The Dick Show - Episode 67 - Dick on The Devil

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

Modern church and the devil of incompetence, the volume box on your iPhone, Sean's Dingus Fantasy Football Team, people who throw beachballs over the side at baseball games, putting an end to that Ed Sheeran song, girls who are worried about looking "too buff", drunk time traveling, gay detecting computers in the Middle East, Madcucks-gestions on how to interview, auto-playing news videos, customer service at Pornhub, Matt Miller Ink, and the live show tattoo; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

We should do a cold open. That's what we're doing now cold open. Is that what we're doing? I think we did a little bit of that. I don't know. I'm in a silly mode. Are you all gonna tell you? We're gonna sew down there. The new stage of a hangover. Yeah! Yeah! Welcome to Dick! You need to get one, Dick, you love Dick! You got it, it's the show! Where everything is a contest coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure

I'm your host dick management with me is always a shun. Hello dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? How's it gone? Pretty good pretty good pretty good myself. I'm in a silly mood today. Yeah, I don't know why Well, that like it's a mood that's not quite happy. It's a little bit zany Yeah, it's bordering on zany. And this is not a weeknight. Not a weeknight, which they get silly. I think it is. I think I've got fantasy madness. I think I've got fantasy football madness.

Well, you just swapped out Cam Newton for... You like me, like me. Yeah, last minute call. Because I see, I picked, okay, I'm in two fantasy leagues. That's as much, that's as many leagues as you can do. It's just like women. You could do two at a time, can't do more. That's spreading yourself to thin.

Okay. Right, everybody knows what I'm talking about. I've got my family league, you know, virtually nobody knows what you're talking about. Hey guys, take what you should. You should learn how to do it. Give it a shot, you know what I'm saying about. Hey guys, take what you should. You should learn how to give it a shot. You know what I'm saying? The Japanese do it.

I'm just saying odds are, yeah, most people actually can't relate. Yeah. Maybe I think they can though. I think everybody's always got their tendrils out. You know, everybody, everybody's, everybody's got a little, everybody's got that other,

that tentacle going out the back, right? That searching, you know, like that thing in Star Wars that comes up out of the muck. Oh, any other broads around here? No, no, I'm outta here, I'm outta here. There's a bunch of weirdos. Organic periscope. Yeah, that guy.

What's that guy doing? What is that guy doing? What was that guy doing in the garbage? How come he didn't get smushed? I don't know. Like they got smushed in the trash compacted but How come he didn't get smushed? I don't know. Like they got smushed in the trash compacted, but that alien man didn't get smushed. Anyway, it's fantasy, fantasy madness.

So I got my family fantasy team, and I've got my dickhead fantasy team. The Sean's dong is my, there's a group of dickheads has a fantasy league. You sh- fucking sh- So my, yeah. So my team is Sean's Dong. So every week someone either gets beat or beats Sean's Dong.

Sean's Dong had a, Sean's Dong had a great day today. I really got, I really got fucked by Sean's Dong, right? That's funny. That's good. Everybody's saying like, oh, you should do like the wingman or something. I don't know. But then I came to me in a piphany, the crack of piphany, the great magnet. Yeah. So it's got to be Sean's dog. Oh, I really took a beating from Sean's dong this weekend on fantasy football. Or maybe Sean's dong got stomped by somebody. Maybe he likes that.

Maybe he liked it. Maybe Sean's dong didn't do enough team managing this week. Could be. So he got slapped around by a dickhead really really slapped Sean's dong around this weekend. That's what it's going to be. It's the winds of shit in the air. And all the trash talking that's going to ensue for this season, Sean. That's why I'm so excited.

Everyone was making fun of me for having Cam Newton in my lineup. See, I did a terrible job. A lot of people think he's gonna have a decent season. I know, I don't know anything about him. I don't know that much about football. Yeah, you know, the last couple of seasons, I've really taken off too. I just haven't followed it.

Don't care about it. The fantasy makes it fun though. Cause if they say shit talking, shit talking, it's going to ensue. I've never done any of that. My brother-in-law, you should have done the dickhead season with us. You should do it next year. My brother-in-law had this great idea.

And for the dickhead one, I think I'm going to do whoever I beat or whoever beats me is going to have to read an apology from the other person, right? Like a Sean's dong wins. You're going to have to apologize to Sean's dong., you're gonna have to apologize to Sean's dong. And if you be written by Sean's client, yeah, but or bore you, you can write it too. Short, short one. It's not gonna, you know,

we'll put it on the end of the episode. Sure. So, you know, so when you get through the, when you get to the end, when you get through whatever amazing collar we have, yeah, up front. Yeah. That front. Yeah. Talk, we'll talk about that.

Oh my God. Really? Oh, that poor guy. Really? There was like three or four threads and read it about Steve last week's guest. Oh. Yeah.

We're a special group. The kids let their opinion be known. They do not varnish their opinion. No. That is, that is, that is the, the bond that binds us. What is the, how does the saying go? That's the ask that binds us. Yeah. That's the common bond between all dickheads is that they do not varnish. we do not varnish our opinion. And we'll let you know. And we'll probably let you know twice. And if that thread is getting big,

we'll start another thread on Reddit to let you know our lit. And then we'll call in on the voicemail. Yeah, I think the loser should have to read an apology from the other person and vice versa. I'll read an apology about how much I suck at fantasy football. Yeah. Cause I did a terrible job at drafting in the dickhead league.

Like I was all, it was last minute and I was, I wasn't concentrating and that's that goddamn, the Bing happens and you start panicking because like the, the interface is too slow for your thoughts already on the internet. Like already on the internet, if I go, if I do anything, I click it and then go to another tab. It's fucking up my brain.

Like you know how you say people can't multitask? Did you know, are you on board with that? The myth of multitasking. Yeah, I mean, I say it's a myth. Well, yeah, because it's true multitasking would be like reading a book and writing a book at the same time. I do that all the time. I do that while I'm taking shit.

Yeah. Yeah. You can divert your attention really quickly between tasks, but. Oh, you can? Well, I mean, that's what, but that's not multitasking. I mean, I feel like the way even browsing the internet happens is training us to do

that. Yeah, like so that we can't concentrate for extended period of time. Completely agree. I fucking can't, man. Like, I'll start reading a news article and I'll blank out halfway through. I completely believe our attention spans are getting shorter and shorter. Yeah. I've said that for a long time.

I don't know if that's obvious. There's, it just, it just seems, there's too many bright, shiny objects dangled in front of us at all times. And but there's also so much crap. Like everything that you read could be is only that, everything that you read on the internet is only that long, so they could cram and add into it. Yeah. Like they had nothing to say. Like there was, and all of the 800 words that you just read, there was one takeaway. Yeah, no, it's true. It's true. Yeah, it's true.

So it's double, it's not on us. It's on them too. They are always out and then they're blaming it on us. Yeah, what I mean? The only takeaway should be the ad for them. Yeah. So it's like, you know, they don't give a shit. Yeah.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, my fantasy. Forgot already. My fantasy, my fantasy football team. So I squandered, I really, I fucked up on the dickhead league. I made a lot of bad choices. I picked a quarterback first. Yeah.

I was panicked. I was all panicked. Because I was a kid. The decisions were made. I thought I'd have plenty of time to sit there and hit my brother-in-law up for advice, but the thing starts, dang it, and you just start freaking out.

But I got made fun of so much on my bad job, on my dickhead fantasy league, that I took that into my family fantasy league, and I created a fucking powerhouse there. Really? A plus ranking. A plus. A plus I was graded by the computer. As an A plus and here's the thing, it is a politics,

all politics league. My brother-in-law had this idea of doing an all politics league. So everybody was supposed to be a political figure. Right? So he's the spicer. I'm Alex Jones. I'm Alex Jones, interdimensional pizza squad. Uh-huh.

My mom is, my mom was, I think she was Susan B. Anthony and then she got shamed into changing it to Jackie. She put Susan B. Anthony and then she left her computer open so I uploaded an image of a horse sneezing for her team icon. Oh, good. It was so funny that she had to change her, she had to delete her whole account and start over. Really?

Yeah. Well, then now she's just shanky. But every, every week is going to be, who's your dad? Um, I don't know yet. Really? No, I don't know. You mean, let me look it up. Well, I mean, this is interesting to me.

No, no, yeah, I know. I thought he would do something fucking down. Yeah, who would he be? I thought he would be some Mexican thing. Yeah. Like Zapata or something. Something. I thought he would fuck with the premise of the league. Yeah.

Because there's like, like the premise of the league was such a good idea, but then everybody who comes in switches it up a little bit and undermines the premise to the point where now there's like my cousin came in with the black stilettos. My God, you son of a, God damn it. Couldn't we just keep this, I'm getting trolled. I finally care about something and how I'm getting trolled on it.

Yeah, black stilettos, what the fuck? I don't know what that is. Somebody's bills cigar, I can't tell which one my dad is. Bills cigar? Yeah. That's fucking funny. Yeah. One that got crammed up a woman's snatch.

Yeah. Snatch a rou. All right, anyway. Tell you what makes me a rage this week. This is the church part of the show. This is what we do. Every Sunday, we gather together and I give a sermon about the devil.

Come to Jesus. The devil of incompetence. Right? Okay. That's what we do here. It's my dream. I always wanted to be a preacher when I was a kid. Did you know that?

My whole life. I don't doubt that for a minute. I love it. Like everything about it, except for the, you know, the all the molestation and the God stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything, I like the show of it though. You like the idea.

I like the idea of it. I like the idea of it. Without that, if you just have a different message, aren't you Hitler? Ah, you know. You know, it's kind of the, you know. Yeah. Big crowds. Oh, I love it though. And in this church, it's kind of the, you know. Yeah, big crowds.

Oh, I love it though. And in this church, it's incompetence is the devil. That's what I figured out. And I come here every week and go, oh, the devil, this is how the devil appears to us this week. Ladies and gentlemen, the timidious colored pens are the devil. The colored pens are taken over our lives, right?

When you go to Sanga Bills and you reach for a pin and it's a pink pin, you look foolish. That's incompetence. And this week, the depth, speaking of Hitler, yeah, you know that old saying, big colored pen fan, which is ironic. Yeah, you would sit there doodling. It's not even higher. 20. I don't know. No, that's ironic. It was okay.

Yeah, you wouldn't expect Hitler would be into colored pens. Except he was an artist. That's true. Right. So it's not ironic, Sean. Fucked it up. Hitler probably had a bunch of colored pens. It did.

Gel pens. Oh man. Gel pens? Yeah. Oh man. You would jizz all over himself with his colored pens. He'd be looking at those memos. Oh yeah, I mean, what would really say final solution is if it was in like a metallic silver ballpoint pen. Let me just bust out my pens over here and everybody be rolling their eyes.

Yeah, come on. You motherfucker. Someone take this guy out. You'd have to give back stories on where he purchased these. And oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, that's important. And how big of a deal it was. Oh, these were guys.

Guys, this pen's 50% off. I got these. That's a dollar store. I got these at the Von Mox store. Shakes in the dollar store, man. They love the, they love their fucking deals. I've, my mom has told me to shop at the Nordstrom rack so many times that it's like a trigger for me now. I just leave. I start getting PTSD as soon as she starts talking about the Nordstrom rack. getting PTSD as soon as she starts talking about the Nordstrom rack. It's a warehouse of shitty sizes for like twink men. Like men who wear like a size 28 waist, 28 slash 40.

The slender man shops at the Nordstrom rack. You'd be surprised, you can get a lot more than you think there. I can't get anything there, because I'm an average sized man. I can get all kinds of shit there. You're really? Yeah. What pants size are you? 34.

What the fuck? I've never found one good thing at the Nordstrom rack. I mean, the 33, 34 or 34, 34, 34. It depends on the, they're all fucking different. If they're, anyway, they're saying like, if you had a time machine, would you go back in time and kill Hitler? Yeah, right.

No, no, no, no, no. I would go back in time and kill Ed Sheeran. Okay. I'm so sick of that song, dude. Which one? The one where the sheets smell like you. The, yeah. I'm, I cannot,'m, I cannot do it.

I cannot make it to, I've got a new drinking game. It is, when you start trying to do your day, every day, as soon as I start hearing that, do, do, do, do, I immediately drive to a bar and get as drunk as possible. That's my, that's my bet with the world. If you wanna keep exposing me to this same song that I cannot escape, we've got an ocean of music,

an ocean of music on the internet. Even on this show, Water Boy, Leckembra, BD Beads, Sam Glaze, Fingers Music, Vista, or Aishu, or whatever he's calling himself now, Ocean of Music on the Planet and it's the same fucking song wherever I go shun. We were at a Dodgers game last night watching the worst team in baseball lose yet again. And what did we see? A tribute video of that big Irish fuck.

What is that guy's name? What is the, what is the Dodgers guy's name with the big red beard? Oh, Justin Turner? Justin Turner, yeah. There is a tribute video like a, like a get pumped up for this guy coming up to bat, get excited everybody in the stadium, feel like you got your monies worth out of this stadium experience and they're playing this fucking Ed Sheeran song to a to an athlete man, Sean, talking about I love your body and your but what are the lyrics of that song? I'm in love with your body. I'm always watching

a gay tribute to this. What is his name again? Justin Turner. Justin Turner. I'm sitting there internalizing the message of, I'm in love with your body and I want my fucking sheets to smell like you, to a 240 pound, like obviously, a baseball player with a baseball player's body. There's the dad bod and then there's the baseball player's bod, which is just a lot fatter He's Pudgy they're all

Pudgy that's the best part about baseball big fat fuck suffering good shape, but yeah, they're they're making a mistake They're not enjoying true baseball right. They're not cultivating enough mass. It was like a John Cruck Remember you're the hitter-tonk-fruck man. Oh, he's a fantastical. That's how I remember him. Yeah. I'll remember anything. That's great. I have like a rain man memory for hitting the balls thing.

I know that you do. Yeah. Yeah. No, he said this was he was smoking like a batting practice and somebody chastised him for it. And he said it was somebody. I don't know. It was another player's wife or something.

He said, lady, I'm a baseball, it was another player's wife or something. He said, he said, I'm a baseball player, not an athlete. His fucking big ass. Ben and he's all bending over in the whole video, scooping up ground balls, taking big, leading off and sliding into bases, doon, doon, doon, doon, the whole time. What the fuck is, this is like, this is Alex Jones is right. We're being, this is gay brainwashing that I'm watching right now. This Ed Sheeran song being, you know what I would do?

I wouldn't kill him. Nope. No, I don't wanna say I would kill Ed Sheeran. But you take away his horrible comb over? Does he, is he's a kid? No, he's a kid, he's like the worst. I think he's already pretty much bald. Good.

He has the weirdest. Good. Every time he has genetically fucked, as you can get. As a man, if you write a romantic song like that, you are cursing yourself. You are putting a chiskele on you. You're putting a curse on you.

You know what I mean? Because you're just, you're hurting other men. I don't want to sound like I'm writing a feminist blog, but we have to band together and men have to stop writing this horrible dance romantic sex music because it's going to end up on a jumbo tron during a Dodgers game. And it was very hard for me to avoid because for some reason, the beers at Dodgers Stadium are 1750. I walked around, you know, it's so bad

that I had one and thought, I don't really wanna spend $100 to get a bus. Yeah. And I'm a huge, I walked around the entire stadium looking for, excuse me, looking for one good beer. Yeah. The whole thing, I finally found it. The golden road, Pavilion, all the way

on the other side of the stadium. And I walk up out what's, you know, it's gonna be expensive, right? 13 bucks, 13.50, 14, 14 bucks. The prices have gotten out of control. Dude, and they, they should be ashamed of themselves. The brewery should be ashamed of themselves because they're doing it. They're fucking doing this to us. One, like I, I finally understand what all the cigarette people are complaining about. Yeah.

What their taxes. It's true. It goes up too much. You stop. I can't fucking afford this. I'm gonna take out a loan just to drink a Dodger Stadium. How, how, what is, what activity is this? Just a nice calm, sober day, sober day watching my city get butt fucked by the Rockies, who

I remember when they didn't even exist. Watching a gay tribute to a fat ass man, a fat ass long haired bearded man on a screen written by another, another fucking ginger. Yeah. Dora Fying. You know, I didn't even realize that song was playing. Sean, because it's like a disease that's in our brain, this goddamn song! Yeah.

I'm in love with your body! I'm in love with your fucking body! Justin Hall, what is his name? Justin Turner! Justin Turner! I want my bed sheets to smell like you! How the fuck am I supposed to listen to that song ever again? How am I supposed to smell a bed sheet ever again? Thinking about Justin Turner. Good God.

God What what put on like put on like candle in the wind or something? What, what, put on like, put on like candle in the wind or something. Yeah, something a little less gay, you say? Yeah, less gay. Put on your, put on your song. Right? Yeah. Didn't he write that about, did Elton John write that about another man?

Well, Bernie Topp and his written his lyrics, so. Yeah. Probably, he was probably writing that about a dude, right? Well, Bernie Topp and Strait, but. Oh, he's Strait? Yeah, heins straight, but. Oh, he's straight? Yeah, he's married, yeah. Oh, do a woman? Yeah.

I know, I think Elton. That's straight. I think Elton. I'll take that. I liked him for a long time, but it was just obvious that Bernie was straight, so. Do you think that he ever, like, blew Elton to get the shot?

No idea. I'd be worth it. Everybody says they wouldn't do that, but everyone would. Who would use it? Hey man, yo, what's up? I'm Elton John. I'll play some of your songs. Why don't you just give me the old,

Slavery knob. Right? You can be my lyricist. That would, that's gotta be, there's no stats on that. Is there, but everyone would do that. Stats? Yeah. I'm sure you can find stats on that. Is there, but everyone would do that. Stats? Yeah. I'm sure you can find stats on that.

Like if Louis CK said, Hey, I heard you got this road rage show in October 13th. Yeah. 8 p.m. Another ginger. Another fucking ginger. Yeah. They're taking over.

They're the next triple parentheses as gingers. Yeah. They're gonna start dying their hair. Sneaking in. Yeah. Yeah, exactly passing. Oh, God. What a fucking terrible day at the, you know, what else makes me rage about baseball games? What's that? Oh, this, and this one is, this one has made me rage since I was a wee lad. Since I was

a little child. The people who are the people who fuck up the beach ball. Oh. Oh my God, dude. I don't know. They're lucky that the beers are $600 a piece. Or you're throwing that on them, right? Yeah, if you, if you are responsible for hitting a beach ball over the side rail onto the, onto the next lower deck, where they get to play with it.

Now, yes, you should be thrown over the side as well. The amount of work that it takes to smuggle beach balls into a sporting event, it's you have to plan for it. You got to go to the 99 cent store and get one of those hot deals that Hitler's always talking about. Yeah. Fucking chicks, they love the dollar store, man. Do you know, are you aware of that? I was not aware of that.

Oh, if you get a girl talking about the dollar store, that conversation will not end until she's at the dollar store. Hmm. Like, they can't think about anything else until they get their fucking paws onto some dollar-y goodness. Really? It's something about it for them. It's like, oh, it's only a dollar.

This is only a dollar? This two gallon tub of glue, gotta have that. It's like the opposite. It's like how Costco is for men. They're like, oh, 600 things of toilet paper? Yeah, give me that. Two grills, not enough. I need a four pack.

Three pack of pianos. Yeah, pretty great. Give me all the pianos in the store. Yeah. But chicks will go to the same thing, but the dollar store. Huh. Cause they needed to be a dollar.

Mm-hmm. This is a stupid question, but it's been a long time since I've been in a dollar store. Right. Are there items that are more than a dollar? Yes. I thought so. And they fucked up by doing that.

Yeah. Every once in a while, fucked up by doing that. Yeah. Every once in a while, they'll be like a 50 center. And I'm thinking, just make it a dollar. Yeah. Like nobody's, or, so there's things that are like with them together. There are things that are like five bucks. No. There's nothing.

I've seen it, I've seen it 199. I've seen it 299. Okay. But I think, I think they're pretty strict about sticking to a dollar. Gotcha. But you got to go, if you bring strict about sticking to a dollar. Gotcha. But you got to go, if you bring a beach ball to a baseball game, first of all, you're a hero. You are a hero because there's, because most of the kids there, that's their favorite part

of the game. Is the wave and the beach balls? I know adults like that. They do, but kids don't even know what the fuck's going on on the field. So all they have to do is just sit there and hope that dad doesn't get too drunk and too pissed off by the end of the game and look for beach balls. Yeah. Because they know they're not supposed to be there.

And then you get naughty. I don't know. Paper airplanes. Oh, that's a good two. I've seen the entire crowd cheer as to whether one was going to make the field or not. I was telling you about it last night. It was cotton like a thermal right over the screen where that would shield the fans

from like a hard foul behind home plate. And it was sort of hovering over there. Yeah. And it was just like, is it gonna make it? Is it not? And the crowd is starting to anticipate the ump calls time and then it made the field. That's how you know you win.

It's the guy who threw it. You fucked up, you fucked up the day of millionaire athletes. Millionaire fat ass athletes that are having gay tribute songs. Yeah, you inconvenienced. So great. 50 plus thousand in a stadium.

Yeah. Or entertained. Intertained. Intertained. That's what everybody's here for. Intertaining and rooting for things. And my paper airplane that costs nothing is better than all these millionaire assholes.

But you know that those, who's a, those millionaire athletes, like they're looking, they're like, is it gonna make it? Oh yeah, they're into it too. Of course. Yeah. Of course.

Takes a lot of work to bring a beach ball to a Dodger game. Any game, anything. You gotta go buy it, you gotta smuggle it in. I've never done it. I haven't. I really wanna dedicate my life to that now. Yeah, I mean, they searched your,

you know, now there's metal detectors, but that doesn't, you know, that doesn't do anything for beach balls, but they. Beach balls are not metal. No, they are not. They are not, but they do search your stuff more than they used to, but still not that much, because they got a lot of people to get through the gate. So, I don't know, where do you hide the beach balls are not metal. No, they are not. They are not, but they do search your stuff more than they used to, but still not that much,

because they got a lot of people to get through the gate. So I don't know, where do you hide the beach ball? You gotta wear pants, and you gotta line your pants with them, and then you gotta say you have gout, cargo shorts or something. Yeah. And for all this work, then I imagine you gotta hold it like a pregnant belly and blow it up. Yeah.

All this work, you throw it up for your people to have fun. The people that are in the same income bracket as you, you know, all the way at the top, which is where I almost always am. These are my people. These are our friends. Upper reserve. The upper reserve deck, where the seats are so slanted that they might as well be vertical. You might as well be sitting on a roller coaster or a ski lift,

the way you're packed in up there. It's caused this disengaging vertigo. Yes. And it has to be curved to, they have anti-gravity machines pulling you back into your seat because it needs so much curvature, because you should just fucking far away. Right.

You're above the helicopters. Yeah. Which I don't even want to get into why there's black police helicopters that have sports game. Is that a police helicopter? They're all helicopters. They're police helicopters. Okay. That's the government.

Yeah. You go through all that work and then some fucking moron gets so excited or doesn't doesn't know how to slap with their hands anymore. They don't know how to do this. And they just whack the ball straight over the railing. That's it. There's no chance in hell that it's coming back up. Yeah, is there now the next income bracket up gets to have now the fucking now the five percenters get to have a good time

off of your Fukuleber all of your labor your dollar that you paid taxes on all your time all your Ingenuity your creativity the smuggle this shit in there those fucking five percenters don't smuggle any beach balls in Yeah, cuz I know they're gonna get it right it's gonna trickle down mmm this gonna trickle down beach ball trickle down economics you're doing all the work up there for some fucking idiot who has no idea how the beach balls even got there never thought about it one day in their life uh oh well uh get this dumb beach I'm gonna hit it over the edge that's hilarious hilarious. No, it isn't you fucking idiot. You, you are the Judas of our section. Everybody should just get up form a, a, a form a Roman failin'

in a semi-circle. So it's not captured on video camera. And then 12 guys, just like when they killed Caesar, all you and toss that person over the fucking rail. killed Caesar, Alliope, and toss that person over the fucking rail. Nice and clean. Let the five percenters spike that. Yeah. Here you go, five, here you go, you fucking capitalist pigs. Why don't you swap this one around and for them, they got all the time in the world

to play with the beach ball because they're practically at the fucking beach, their seats are so flat. Yeah. You know? No precision. Oh, they'll let the ball touch the ground. And they don't have any cops down there. So it's, yeah, let the kids kick the ball around for a while. No big deal.

So what if we lose it? Another one will rain down. More of the fruits of the proletariat will rain down from the skies. And then those dummies lose it too. The five percenters kick it down to the one percenters. They don't even know what to do with the beach balls sometimes. They call the cops over,

hey, can you get rid of this ball? Or explain it to me? Is this ball pay for a ticket to get in here? Or what? Get it out of here. God, it happens every time. Yeah, and every time it does, it feels like the first time as a kid

just watching that ball. No, I wanted to hit the fucking ball. And even when you do get to hit it, there's so many, it's like trying to grab a titted, a crowd surfing event. I was like it when they keep it away from the usherers who are actively trying to get it. Yeah.

And then, you know, it's the, they just bat it away. Yeah. It's real close. Spike it right in their fucking face. Here you go, you idiot. Smack. And I keep dumb hat off. That's what makes me rage.

Um, I'll tell you what the devil is though. Um, what else makes me rage? It's the... It's a fun game though. Yeah. Yeah it was. On game. Weird, it's weird not being drunk at a baseball game. Yeah, no.

I'm usually so drunk I can't even tell they're playing anymore. Yeah. I can't tell where the game is. That was an exciting game. Dodgers just last two weeks, two and a half weeks. Can't fucking find their ass with both hands. You know what I would do? I wouldn't kill Ed Sheeran.

Nope. I would just go, I would go to his first concert where he was discovered by Jamie Foxx, which I am disgusted with myself that I know this. I had no idea. Oh yeah, he was just kid playing that, he would go to every bar and play the same fucking song. He would just do a real life version of what life is come to. Of what life has been cybernetically accelerated to with this fucking song.

He would go to the I guess Jamie Foxx spotted him. He said why don't you sleep on my couch until you're a huge success. I would just go to that show. I don't know why, I hope that's not true. I think that's true, but it's true. I mean, I think I learned it from TMZ, which is, as my sister says, is the only unbiased news organization. They're right, just about, it's just news.

Yeah, and they report it without bias. They don't make any commentary on it. No, because they just tell you what happened. Yeah, it's really, it's the news. Yeah. And they report it without bias. They don't make any commentary on it. No, because they just tell you what happened. Yeah. It's really, it's the only news network. It's the only professional news network is TMZ. That's fucking scary. Yeah.

So they say somebody's dead. The motherfucker's dead. That guy's dead. No commentary on it. He's dead. And they'll tell you he's dead about five hours before anybody else tells you he's dead. Yeah.

They're reporting on politics now too though. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. Because our president is a celebrity. And, you know, everybody around him is a celebrity. Sure, yeah. They do a great job. Uh huh.

Anybody else sends me a link. I don't even bother clicking on it. Yeah, TMZ, yeah. Let me take a look. Mm hmm. You know what else with the fucking dude? News sites now, they've gotten so bad. It's like, the news sites and porn sites have completely swapped.

Hmm. When it comes to pleasantness, when it comes to the utility that I get from them, and the pleasantness of my experience with them. Yeah. There's so many pop-ups and auto plays on news sites now. It feels like I know Like it feels like I'm back in 19 like 96 on the fucking internet with auto midi playing shit all over everything and just pop ups Pop ups pop ups every fucking it's like they got the art. They've got the article based on nothing

That's just all musings of some moron some moron that I'm way older than now Yeah, which is completely changed the way I look at everything. Yes. Knowing, looking at their picture going, oh, you're 23, I don't even, no, thank you. I don't need to read this. As much as a prick as that makes me sound, like it is, it totally changes the way I look at it.

Oh, just a page of musings based on nothing. And then if you look at it for longer than two seconds, if by some grace of God, they don't have you blocked for being a non-subscriber, for having a fucking ad blocker on, then I'm gonna go, oh, we see you're running an ad blocker. How about a little something, something? Would you like a something, something?

Or would you like to give us a something, something, or you complete asshole? No, I'm a complete asshole. Let me see it. We notice that you don't have a subscription. Would you like to read this article based entirely off the headline, you're gonna have to pony up some money to keep this going?

And if you get through that miraculously, it just starts playing a video that you cannot escape from. You scroll that little motherfucker follows you. No, I know. Like a curse, like a noonah, like an onagi. Is that a, I think that's a Japanese demon. Onagi?

Yeah. Onagi, I think is, is eel sushi. Onagi. I don't know. There's a Japanese demon that follows you around. He's that little guy on the emojis, the one with the big nose for a cock and like the like the round face

with that stuff coming off of his face, that's a demon. Okay. That's a Japanese demon. That's what I'm trying to talk about. But that little video follows you around and it's impossible to get rid of. It's just XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX You made me stupider today. I didn't learn anything. But meanwhile, I go to PornHub, greatest experience in my life. Everything that I want is there. Anything weird is there.

No pop-ups. No pop-ups at all. No pop-ups to speak of. Nice, friendly pop-ups, where the X is in the same place. And it responds on a single, it responds to the click of it. It doesn't move when you try to click it.

So that you hit the ad. Yeah. Yeah. No, porn companies are the civilized gentleman of the advertising world online. Hey, hey, wanna make you dick bigger? Not especially. Okay, I'm out.

Meanwhile, the news, hey, you wanna buy, you wanna, you wanna, you need a new car. You need a new fucking car, man. You need a new fucking car. Have. You need a new fucking car. Have you run your, have you got this, have you bought this credit, um, this credit service that monitor, that monitors for your stolen identity? Well, you need it because this new, new article is about how the credit card companies, the credit companies just gave away all your information.

So now you're really gonna, like, get the fuck out of here. I, you stab at it like a whack of mle and you can't get rid of the thing. Point company's not so much. No. Okay, come on. We know what you're here for. You're not here for credit checks. No. You're here to check out the spicy porn vid.

Yeah. Interested in any kind of dick biggerizer? No, that's okay. We didn't think so. Because you wouldn't, you already have a big dick, that's why you're here. Right? Complementary. Complementary. Here's some porn, compliments to the house.

Not news. Can't get news for free though. That's work. Yeah, so fucking aggravating. It really is. News sites, auto play. But what was I saying? Oh, yeah, Ed Sheeran, I would just get, I would get shit faced and go to that show where he was discovered by Jamie Foxx. I would just go get drunk there if I had a time machine. So

it's this whole thing out, right? Get drunk, heckle is ruined the show. Yeah. This song sucks, I've heard it way too many times. I've heard this song way too many fucking times, Ed. Stop what you're doing. I'm from the future. Buy bitcoins. It sound like a fucking, that's what I would do with Hitler too.

You know what, I would knock both of them down with no murders. I would just go to their first rallies and get drunk. Yeah. Right? He's spoken a lot of beer halls. Oh yeah, they never seen drunks like me at this beer hall. That's probably true. We've been to that beer hall.

That was a pop-up house in Munich. Oh yeah. We've been there. Yeah. They were, they were not prepared for us. They were not prepared for American drinking., yeah. We've been there. Yep. They were not prepared for us. They were not prepared for American drinking. Oh, yeah. You know, right.

And everywhere you go in Europe, oh, you guys drink like Pussies. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, yeah. We'll see about that. We'll see how you feel about Pussie drinking when we're throwing up in your urinals.

Yeah. You son of a bitch. Mm-hmm. Anyway, that's what I would do if I had a time machine. Just go through time. Ruining people's rallies. Ruining Hitler's rallies. Who else has a rally? Probably ruin the inception of the KKK. Yeah. Go back there. I could probably ruin the inception of the KKK. Yeah, go back there. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, to drunk be louder than them.

Yeah. Could probably fuck up some of Jesus's sermons, sermon on the mound, go back there. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, not enough fish, is that a G? He says it's a miracle, only 40 loaves. I'm drunk as fuck, hungrier than that. Let's go, let's go, Jesus, whip it up. Let, only 40 loaves. I'm drunk as fuck, hungry than that. Let's go.

Let's go, Jesus, whip it up. Let me guys show you something. You take this cheese, Jesus, give me a hot hand. Give me some hot coals, take this cheese, put it in the bread, bam, grilled cheese. I invented that shit, I'm outta here. Bzzz, then I would leap into the next thing to rule. Let's drunken this.

There's a show in there somewhere. Drunk, time, just ruining moments in history. Time drunk. It's my team of time addicts. You've got a mushroom guy who goes back in time and explains horrendous concepts. Yeah.

blows people's minds. Like goes back and takes Nietzsche aside and is like, well, you know, yeah, the Uber bench thing is cool, but like, what if we're all just like the same person, man? Uh-huh. And he's like, he's like, wow, never thought about it. Like that. Yeah.

Maybe I'm wrong. Yeah. I mean, doesn't write anything. Yeah. It's a crew, it's a crew of time traveling drug addicts that makes everybody as apathetic and inclined to inaction as them. So that nothing ever happened. Nothing ever gets done.

Right? And then you got guys like Coach, like ultimate perfectionist, you go back like Henry Ford, I mean the assembly line's cool, but like what if there's a, what if this happens? Like it doesn't, you know, what, what if there's the buy-in isn't as good? And you have a competing assembly line factory in the parts are slightly different one side has metric and one side has imperial, then you're just creating like a dichotomy of standards in the same system and you don't want to do that. And so Henry Ford's like, fuck, I never thought about that.

I never doubted myself. So I'm not going to do it. But you know what's the devil? What's that? Speaking of porn hub. Oh, which we were. Yes. The volume, the volume thing on the iPhone.

When you click, when you click volume, okay. When you click that volume knob, that button, that little button that for some reason feels like you're trying to fuck us some, a center block. It's so hard to press down. When you press that little button and the volume thing feels like you're trying to fuck us some a cinder block. It's so hard to press down when you press that little button. And the volume thing comes up in the middle of the screen, obscuring your video. So that you, so that you don't get to see that, that it's like three seconds worth that you don't get to see the set. The most important part, right? When you load up the video to look at it and it's way too loud or it's

not loud at all. Simple process, right? Bop, bop, bop, knock up the volume. I'm just going to knock up the volume. We're knocked down the volume. I don't need a bunch of people in my office. Um, no, I just want to be there. Yeah. Knock it down a little bit or knock it, knock it, same, just both, both are not safe for work technically. A child playing a violin is equally is not safe for work as a woman taking on three dudes, right? That's fair to say, not safe for work either one. Shouldn't be watching videos at work. What you do, you are, because it's a work

is a big waste of time. Knock the volume up or down, either way you knock it. Big goddamn volume sign pops up in the middle of the screen. Obscuring your video. Why? Does it do that on the TV? You turn it up or down? Does it just put a gigantic over the entire screen?

The numbers of your volume? Does it tastefully down in the bottom? Down in the bottom. Where it's not right in the fucking middle of the screen. Right. Hey, I'd like to turn the volume down. Oh, you're a human being, you're a human being, right? So the volume is the most important thing.

Let me just totally cover up what you want. Whenever I turn signal on in my car, the windshield just goes totally black. And it says a big arrow that goes right. Yeah, why does it do it in the middle? Yeah, because it's the devil, Sean. It's the devil is doing it to us. The devil of incompetence. Spoiling our good times and driving us insane.

I did some math. Uh oh, I got so upset by that stupid volume thing. It's, and then you gotta start the video over, man. It's like 10s fucking seconds worth of time. Every day, you experience that every day. Tell me you don't experience that every day. The volume? Yeah.

The volume problem? Yeah. Not every day. Not every day. Yeah, I'm watching videos on your phone. No, not really. I mean, Sean. Well, there's more funny videos on the internet every day

than you can watch. Someone's can watch with the volume off altogether. That's disturbing. Yeah. Um, I did some math. So there's eight hundred and 85 million iPhone users, eight hundred and 85 million. No, 85 million. 85 million. Yeah. IOS users. Two seconds, up to seconds a pop for that delay. Yeah, right? So let's say everybody has to suffer through it once a day. Fuck, I did all the math, but I forgot to write down the number. Oh, let me see.

A five, one, two, three, one, two, three. Because I wanna see how much of our time they're wasted. Is that in America? No, I think it's overall. 85 million? Yeah. iPhone users? God, that stuff's- Maybe it is in America.

It doesn't seem like that much. Hmm, you're right. I don't know. Well. It's 330 million people in America. I know two years by far. Yeah, but the kids don't have it, right? Absolutely.

Okay, that is if it's two seconds a pop, every day, 60 seconds, 60 minutes, 24, 30, 12, every day, five and a half years are being wasted by the fucking volume thing. Holy shit. By that little volume square. Jesus. You know what I'm saying? It's a big problem. Somebody should go to prison. Holy shit. Find that little volume square. Jesus. You know what I'm saying? It's a big problem.

Somebody should go to prison for that shit. Every day. Somebody should go back in time and kill Steve Jobs. Yeah. Every day. Who's paying for this five years? Every day, that's five years wasted. Cause they couldn't just, they couldn't just not show you.

Like don't worry, I'll hear if the volume thing's working. I don't need a box telling me that it's working. Yeah. I don't need a box to pop up and tell me that I'm watching a video. Hey, you, you're a video's working great right now. Get the fuck out of here. Just let me see the video part you asshole. Yeah Ruins it it's own barricing to

It's like I've never mind The stupid the volume square strikes again and made me look like a prick. Yeah made me look unprepared Last thing I need my own devices working against me to look unprepared when I'm showing someone a funny video. Right. Well, start, do over, start over, nothing, I can't press anything to get rid of it. It's just there, it's just there like a fucking herpy. Wait till it fades. Just wait till fades and I'll start this video over and you know, see if we can load a

save state and you can be as excited as you were when I first told you about this video of a guy throwing out a pitch of a baseball game and hitting a fat camera guy riding his balls. Like, let's all just- That's a good one. That's a great video. Yeah. Let's forget- let's forget this nonsense about the volume box popping up. Don't worry about it. Just let's get back on track. That internal monologue of self-loathing.

Mm-hmm. Five years.ologue of self-loathing. Five years, every day, five years is wasted. Jesus. Somebody should hang for that. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah.

All right. That made me rage. Let's see. I got some, how long have I been talking to myself? We're at 54 minutes. Ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, I've got some funny bits, and then I think some peeps are going to call in about the road rage. So the 180 tickets so far.

Cool. It's a fuckload, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. It's the capacity of, I think it's 300, but I'm not selling, I don't want to sell it out. Yeah. I want everybody to have some breathing room.

Because it is a standing only place, you know. Yeah. It is standing over, but it's cool. I've seen, life coach got a, life coach got a drink thrown on him there by Neil Hamburger. Have ever told this story? No. Oh man. So you know who Neil Hamburger is.

Yeah. Not well, but yeah, I know some of his material, but I didn't know he played places like that. He only does. It's all he does, it's like permanent touring of little places like that. Like, little clubs like that? Yeah. Oh, fuck, I forgot to turn the heart monitor on.

Oh, fuck it. All right, thank you for alive. I'm alive. Yeah, I was at the satellite when it was called Space Land. Yeah, the satellites where the live show is October 13th. Go to the website to buy tickets. There's 20 bucks and there's a big fuck you in the ass ticket fee. Because, you know, because it's so hard, it takes so much tremendous work

to keep track of who has a stub of a ticket. But you have to. Places are in cahoots with these ticket places, but you know, Sean, they're private business. They could do whatever they want. That's what I've learned recently. Yeah, private business. They could do whatever they want. Anyway, I mean coach went to Spaceland before it was called the satellite to see Neil Hamburger. If you haven't seen Neil Hamburger, he does comedy. He does the shittiest celebrity jokes possible.

He looks like a caricature. He looks as much like a lounge lizard comedian as like he's like a skinny diseased Tony Clifton Like that's what he looks like right like he's always soaked in sweat. He's got this hunched over look And I feel bad. I say because the real guy kind of looks like that But he's he is playing it up like he's looking like an asshole on purpose and he talks like that He's like why and he does all this and he's got like, he's always got an arm load of drinks, like 10, 10 gin and tonics

that he's holding at all times. He just looks like a real sad piece of shit. So, coach and I went to see one of his shows and he's up there doing his bit. It's right towards the beginning. And he says, he says, he's doing a joke and their jokes like,

their jokes like, you know, why does Michael Jackson like, like, came art? Why did Michael Jackson go to came art? Cause he heard little boys pants were half off. Their jokes that are that bad, but worse. Like way more obscene. And it's really, the way he does it's really funny. Like I don't know how to explain it. It's really, it's not ironic funny, it's more obscene. Yeah, and it's really, the way he does, it's really funny. Like, I don't know how to explain it.

It's really, it's not ironic funny. It's just very funny. And he's always trying to play up sympathy. Like he goes, oh, come on, guys, I have cancer. Like stuff like that. He'll say, just hilarious. So he got, he goes, he says, oh, come on, guys, take it easy on me after one of his jokes and coach for some reason just goes,

Hey, go fuck yourself. He was, he was 10 feet away because, hey, go fuck yourself. So, Neil hamburger turns on him and pulls one of the drinks in his arm out and he goes, Hey, fuck you, buddy, and throws, and throws a drink at coach. No shit. Yeah, I can't believe coach just said it like that. Me either. Yeah, like, he was caught up in the moment. Yeah, like, hey, go fuck yourself.

He's like, I'm like, bam right away. Did he think, because I know like, he wasn't pissed off. No, no, coach was just playing into the, yeah, he just thought that maybe he would like, oh, yeah, yeah, no, he'll think this is funny. And he did. Yeah, because he did it. He reacted as Neil hamburger.

Like, he didn't react as himself. Yeah, fuck you did it. He reacted as Neil hamburger. Like he didn't react as himself. Yeah. Fuck you, buddy. So we're gonna now stem. Yeah. That's good. It was great. Coaches, we were laughing up a storm.

Where the fuck did my pen cap go? Anyway, we're gonna be at the satellite. It's gonna be a great show. I got two guys calling in who, one is getting a dick show tattoo. So I forget the deal I made with the guy, with the tattoo artist and the tattooer on the line. Fuck, what was I gonna say?

Oh, I've got some bits from Madcooks too. I've never heard from that guy in a while. I know. He sent in some bits. So let's see, broke in the last few times with his ass, crappy microphone or, I don't know what's happening. I don't know what that guy's doing, but man, he's arguing up a fucking storm on Reddit.

Is he with who? With that? He's taking on all comers. He's like Digstown in there. Is he a Stereo's? Is he Nobree? He's getting into some real vicious fights. Is he playing like a contrarian or is he?

I think the last couple episodes have been a little too political and it's kind of made everybody pissed off. Yeah, because it's real easy to get. It's real easy to get agro on. Unread it online. Yeah. Everybody's so sure that they're right and they want you to understand it their way.

It's tough. I get caught up in it too. It's tough though. Can't treat people like that, John. But then I'm gonna go do it, you know. Of course. I'll say, I'll say one thing, but do the opposite. There's my fucking pincap. Yeah, let's hear, let's hear Mad Cux's bits. They're called job interview tips. Oh. The Dicto presents. my fucking pen cap. Yeah, let's hear Mad Cux's bits. They're called job interview tips. Oh, the Dixjo presents Mad Cux Chessians.

It's a Mad Cux Chessian. It's like a Dix tip for, you know, cool. Yeah. Here's some tips on how to get a job after your job interview. Don't bring a resume. If they don't know who you are, bringing you in the door, then they really have no business hire you.

They're not qualified. So you don't need some stupid piece of paper to vouch for you that you worked at two jobs before this period of time where things got a little bit tight. And now you maybe need a third job. Not like a third job at the same time, like a third job in your life. I did. But hang out in the bathroom. You know, get up there, get on the toilet, lock the door, put your feet up on the on the bowl, and stay in there for a couple hours.

You never know. Someone may come in there and there'd be being with another guy like, hey, how was that guy that you interviewed with all the crowns? Oh, he was really good. Yeah, I think we're gonna hire him. Yeah, that totally happens to me all the time. All the crowns. Oh, he was really good. Yeah, I think we're gonna hire him. Yeah, that totally happens to me all the time. All the crowns. Be 100% honest. Not like, not like a church stop honesty where you say, oh yeah, I really love the idea of putting stamps on envelopes so that your mail room can mail out stuff. It's just been my entire dream of my whole life. Oh, yeah. Yeah No, be like no, I really I really couldn't care less. I'd rather sit at home and play dark souls all day, but you know

We got to pay money for stuff and you're gonna say like oh look at this guy this guy super honest totally upfront We should hire this guy and not some other idiot off the street Holy up front, we should hire this guy and not some other idiot off the street. Be sure to follow up with the interview afterwards. Call them a few times in the next couple hours, send them a couple of text messages every 10 minutes, send them some emails, they're paragraphs long, like here's all the things that I think I did really great

to send a view and why you should hire me. It shows that you're committed to finding out what they need, what they want from you. So you're like, you're just constantly bombarding them with communication, which is good, because then they know, oh, if we can hire him, he's gonna be a great communicator. Leave it in impression with them.

So don't shower or bathe or anything like that for at least 24 hours. It's pretty interview. That way you can really work up your own macasima. And then also eat something like really pungent, you know, like some Indian foods, some Ethiopian foods. My last job interview, I saw I went out and I ate at this Ethiopian food restaurant.

Eating like three days prior to the interview. And then I didn't shower either. And so I work all these garlic and spices filled up in my pores. There's no chance that they forgot that I came interview that day. Probably for at least three days afterward. Yeah. You know, they knew every time they walked in that office, they're like, whoa, that's mad cooks.

Yeah. It's a great way to get a job. There you go. There's a mad cut mad cuck's gestions. Yeah. Yeah. You send in two more. Uh-huh. It's a great way to get a job. There you go, there's a mad cuck's gestions. Yeah, yeah. He sent in two more. Uh huh.

Maybe I'll play one of them later. Okay. Play next week or something like that. I see here. I got distracted from all the ranting. Beach balls, Ed Sheeran. Oh, I see, Mr. Fancy pants was at the baseball game on this night with us.

First of that fucking smug asshole, he says, he waits until the perfect moment and just goes, oh, by the way, I saw that survey on your show. Looks like you're the weird one. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, what a fucking slide bastard. That little fucking asshole.

I didn't even hear that. Yeah. Didn't even hear that. He didn't want that conversation to extend to three people, did he? No. He didn't want it to be a conversation he know you want it to be a conversation yeah to be a

what a mother fucker prick that's yeah he was all over reddit to soaking in all his attention really yeah he made a special account just to go talk to people and he's in there he's on reddit acting like the mayor of town he knows he's like trying like being all humble like oh well hey fellas you know like the mayor town. Does he know what he's like trying like being all humble like, oh, well, hey fellas, you know, hey, I'm just glad that we all had a good time, right?

Oh, he doesn't know he's playing with fire. He's playing with fire. That's how he isn't work, I know. A real asshole. No, well, he's just, yeah, I know he's, he's in there. He's in there. He's coming right away. Oh, yeah, I know he's, he's in there. Come, come, come right away. Oh, yeah, get right on that. I'll get he acts like that. Chuckling it up.

He's like, oh, fucking it up. He's a, he's an, he's an employer's dream. God, what a fucking prick. I'll link to some of his responses. Um, all right. Let me see who's in here. So I saw that survey So I saw that survey. I saw that survey.

Oh, yeah, I made a little throwaway account to get on your reddit. Oh, well, I was on my yacht. Love it. He doesn't ever yacht. You probably could probably afford a yacht. No, can I make a video? You think so? Dude, you know what the rates that, what? People like his rich, his day rate is stupid.

Is he single? Of course he is. He's probably got the two chick situation that I was talking describing earlier. That's got him written all over it. He seems like the nicest guy in the world, but he's not. He's a real smooth operator, smooth criminal.

That's guys like that. That's what that phrase was, I'm a bumbling criminal. People can see my crimes mile away. I like that fucking idiot. He thinks he's a smooth criminal, but he is not. He's a bumbling criminal. He might as well be dressed like the hamburger glare with the smoothness of his crimes.

But then Mr. Fancy Pads, smooth criminal, like the wind. He comes in, steals your heart. Yeah, he's going. And he's going, He'll just pants down and urnates all over it. He probably doesn't even do that. He probably was just lying about that. Yeah, who knows?

For the, for the story. Yeah. Fucking asshole. All right. I need to calm down. I need to calm down. Take a breath. Okay, let me talk to these dudes. Hey, my man, getting the tattoo, are you on the line? I don't know what to call you. It's a rager. Rager, rager, rager is calling in. All right, what is the, what is the deal? What is the deal that we made for this tattoo? All right, so the deal was I get your fucking logo.

One of the, if you hit my microphone again, I get your logo. This is another cat girl situation. Do you have another cat girl going on in the background over there? No, she's not a cat girl. She's way more normal and that much sugar mama basically. Oh, you have a sugar mama situation?

Oh yeah. How does that work? Well, all the beer that I've been drinking this morning, that's absolutely her buy. Okay. She gets me drunk and I, you know, do dirty things to her vagina and ask. Okay. She gets me drunk and I, you know, do dirty things to her vagina and ask. Okay.

Yeah. That was sugar mama, Eve. She's looking at me right now, like I'm about to get dumped. Oh, no. She loves it. They love it. They love when you go on a huge broadcast

and talk about them sexually. Absolutely, right? Yeah. Anyways, so our deal was, I'll get your fucking logo tattoo to my neck, which let's be honest, I was going to do it anyways. I think you're not on my neck, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to deny a free tattoo. We're under neck. It'll be the front. The front. So if you get a tricky out of me, it can look like I'm smoking.

No, it'll be, it'll be right. Oh, my jug is starting at the mastlois process down on my collarbone. So it's, it's about a five inch tattoo. Oh, fucking awesome. That is fucking rad. And what do you get? What do you get an exchange for this? First of all, do you have a shitload of tattoos?

I do. I've already got the job killers, so everybody that's. Oh, okay. What's the job killer? Oh my God. No, I've already got job killers. It doesn't matter at this point. What are your job killing tats?

I have tattoos all over my hands. Like, maga on one hand and like TRMP on the other one, that's a job. You know what, I fucking wished that I knew that our Lord and Savior Trump was going to be president because I would have maga on fucking knuckles. Okay, so what was the deal? What was the exchange that we had here? Oh, so the tattoo artist, he's going to give me one of my own,

you know, something that, you know, something that I want. I guess something by the deal. You get free advertising. Maybe I'll hang out around your billboard. I don't know. For life, free advertising for life. You got that's a great fucking deal. Sean, we probably get to lifetime unemployment checks too. Oh, yeah. You think I already said that? He's got a sugar mine. But listen to you, V-neck motherfucker. You got a job?

I already got a job. You got a job? I've got a job? I've got a job. You got a job? I've got a job killer tattoos. Can you change jobs? I can.

You can? Yeah, it's just, I'm not allowed to see the light of day. That's the thing. Okay. The little old lady's already staring at me enough. Yeah, I don't need to, I don't need to see that. You know what? Who cares? If you're, if you're fine working certain, yeah, if you're fine working certain kinds of jobs, you know, if you don't ever want to be a corporate guy, if you don't ever want to be, because yeah, those are, they're job killers. Like hands and neck neck. Yeah, those are, those are job killers, facial, facial tats.

They look cool though. Those are real tats anymore. You know, like every girl's got like a Bible stamp or something down by. Oh my God, it's the infinity sign with a sparrow flying away. Fuck you. No tattoos. And it's like on, it's in my armpit so you could never see it. It's under a secret skin flap that I have that basic chicks have installed so they can

get tattooed and then, and then Velcro their skin over. So the nobody could ever see it. My sister likes to say she's tattooed. You would never know she has a tattoo and faster. Yeah. Well, there's tattooed and then I have a tattoo. Yeah. Very different thing.

There's I'm a living tattoo and I have a tattoo. What was your first tattoo? Uh, shit, I was 14. I got a never forgive tattooed on my collarbone because I'm an idiot. I thought I was 14. I thought I was 14. Who are you going to never forgive? I'm 14.

Who did you have to forgive and not and what it reminds yourself that you should never I thought I thought I was going to never forgive. I'm 14, who did you have to forgive and not and what a reminder yourself that you should never forgive them. Hey man, I grew up in the mean streams of Valencia. We, you never know. You're from Valencia? Yep. Are you fucking serious?

Do you mean Sean, know you? This could, this could happen. No, no, you definitely do not know me, but we definitely go into the same bars. Yeah. No shit like docks. Oh, God, I was there last night. Yeah, docks. You know, docks. Yeah, of course. Yeah. What a shit. Well, how about the tailgate? You know what, it's actually a new bar called the shot exchange and that places still a piece of shit. That the tailgate and Valencia had this, it had a bartender with some huge cans. And there's these still there.

Suzy's still there? Oh, okay. Well, I gotta go visit my family tonight, Sean. Yeah. I'll see you at the shot exchange. Oh, fuck, it's called. So what's the tattoo you're getting out of this? So I have like a whole Viking motif going.

I'm going to continue on with the Viking motif. Cool. Cool. All right, let me get your tattoo artist. Now, no, here's the, here's the catch. These guys, Matt Miller, Matt Miller is the tattoo artist. He's on now. These guys are going to be doing this live at the LA show.

Yeah. So Diego set it up. so he'll be getting, so Rager will be getting his neck tattooed, this giant dick show logo tattoo at the show. For the whole talk, because it takes a while to do a tattoo. Matt, does it take a while to do a tattoo? Yeah, it's probably gonna take me at least an hour, I think.

Okay, so if you need me to extend the time, I'll be happy to vamp. Well, yeah, I was gonna talk to Diego about it and how you want to incorporate it. We can talk about, well, first of all, thank you for doing it. Yeah, no problem. When we told the satellite that they were, that we're gonna be doing a live tattoo,

they had to go all the way to the owner to see if we could do it. And then he had to ask his mom. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you do bodily fluids happening. Yeah, I'm public. I don't know. I got to ask my mom if this is okay. Yeah. They had to make sure it was cool.

I was naked. Yeah. Yeah. You're a Matt. You're a, I'm going to plug you for a second. Here's Matt Miller Inc. I don't know. Do you want to plug where your shop is?

Yeah, I'm in the East Dog area in Pleasant Hill. It's kind of near Oakland. My Instagram is Matt Miller Inc. So these two don't know each other? That's mostly what I use. No, this is all Dick's show, Connects. Wow. Sorry, Matt Miller Inc.

Yeah, Matt Miller Inc. What's the most what's the most fucked up tattoo? You've given out there man The Hall of Famer that I tell everyone is that this drunk guy came in and he got a care bear heart on his butt like the stuffed animal I'm just supposed to not tattoo drunk guys Maybe yeah, maybe you let the rules slide. I don't I didn't know he was drunk Uh, I'm just supposed to not tattoo drunk guys. Maybe. Yeah, maybe you let the rules slide. I don't I didn't know he was drunk. I only knew when you were after he left.

Yeah. What from the pile of vomit? Is there anything you can tell us about what tattoos say about chicks, like the Bible versus infinity signs? Oh, yeah. I mean, what, what you will know is that women are the cheapest creatures on this planet. Okay. So come in and be like, what's the cheapest tattoo I can get? Did they ever try to suck your dick for free tattoo? No, but once a pimp tried to offer his hooker to me to give him a tattoo. What tattoo did he want?

I don't remember. It was like eight years ago. Oh, what did the hooker look like? You don't want to know. Yeah. The, the, the, the Pimps name was a hustler. Like, you could have no other name. It's a good BIMP name. The hooker looked like spontaneous Bouté from South Park. Remember that one? Yeah. The hooker, But I don't know, she's like behind the counter. I don't want to try to remember. Yeah, it's been a long time since I watched it, but that's all I thought when I looked at her. All right, dude, thanks a lot.

I'm looking forward to this. I'm really fucking looking forward to this. I know the satellites never had any shit like this at their room. Oh, if I can mention one thing, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going forward to this. I'm really fucking looking forward to this I know the satellites never had any shit like this. No at their oh If I can mention one thing sure

Throughout the week. I'm gonna be there for a lot longer than just a show and I'm offering any dickheads If they also want to get the logo they don't have to get down the neck But I'm offering them a special forty bucks if they like it and they're free to contact me if they want to get involved with that. Awesome. That's a low price. You should get that because I know even two 20s. And this guy's great. I know, yeah, even even small simple tattoos are fairly expensive if they're done by

a good artist. And it's not just LA either. If they're from Bay Area, it heads around, they can also get it as well. Awesome. Maybe I should get that. I already got one ass tattoo. I should get it on the other cheek. Yeah.

Get a second. Get a second. You should get her back in tattoo. Yeah, I get the dick show. Yeah. Yeah. Matt, what do you recommend for Sean to get a tattoo? What kind of tattoo should he get?

You know, I don't know. I don't know well enough to just kind of like pin some on him, but you should get something. You should get a V neck for the sake of humor. Yeah, just you should get a dotted line like where the V neck goes so that if you're ever not wearing it, people know to put one on you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've found unconscious somewhere. And it's not a career killer. Yeah. Because you're always covering it. Yeah. All right. Hey, what makes you guys a rage? You can go first if you want. Yeah. All right. Thanks for the my real name. Major. Okay.

Now, you know what? People are going to see my fucking face on the on the stage might as well I got it. I got it. I got it. He has he's got a neck covered in tattoos But saying his name on this show is too much people have to have to stand That's how many people are named You have some serious autists on this fucking show. Yeah, there's somebody is gonna be able to find me No, my biggest rage is people who call emergency lines for non-emergencies. So I work the store that I work in, it's a great store. I went to go get lunch yesterday. Somebody called the owners because I left for 10 minutes and they had to get their stupid fucking camo pants. Oh, fuck!

Sorry. What happened? What was that? I got trouble. I got in trouble because I went to go get lunch. And this fucking person needed their, needed their cheap pants so badly that they called the emergency line. You know what? That might just be such a super small thing, but think about it when

it comes to like 9-1-1. Oh yeah. Oh, my dog is constipated. Mmm, fuck you. I'm also an EMT on the side. So. Oh yeah. So you're used to dealing with people who are complete fucking assholes.

Like calling. It's not, I like assholes. Assholes are funny. Fucking idiots are not. Yeah. They really, they need like a, a, a prank emergency number. Like if you call 911 and it's like, oh yeah, this is 18. Yeah, they, they, they, they gave me five chicken nuggets instead of six, 911.

911, you say like, oh yeah, you want our, you want our expedited service, nine, one, one, and that is, and then they just read you this number and people fuck with you all, and it just goes straight to 4chan. And they've just fuck with you all day. Like, oh, yeah, we'll dispatch our comedy crew. Yeah. Yeah. All right, dude. Thank you. See, good luck with your sugar mama. What's the canned situation like there? Baby, what do you think? D's, double D's. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

What the matter, quick, what the matter? Okay. This is a good man. Thank you. Thank you, can't girl situation. I'll see you at the show. Now, what about you? What makes you rage?

Mine is people who say they won't work out because they're afraid to get too buffed. Yeah. Yeah. Because if I could accidentally get buffed, that would just be the greatest thing ever. Oh, every time I hear a chick say, oh, I don't want to lift weights

because I don't make me look too bulky. No, no, it won't. That's a policy because you don't have the testosterone to get like the people think that they'll look like a female bodybuilder. Let's start with the testosterone. Like, I always want to sit, sit these girls down and give them like a PowerPoint.

I can't believe that fallacy still exists. Oh, it just exists because they're so fucking lazy. No, you can't imagine you're not gonna get ripped. They can't imagine a universe where somebody puts so much work into something like an amount of work that they literally can't fathom. You're like, no, that person, that woman looks like that, that woman looks fucking gorgeous, by the way, who's that fit, because she works out like two fucking hours a day and puts thought into everything that goes in her mouth Everything eatable that goes into her mouth requires a mountain of thought and research

Yeah, it's a life that you can't even fucking imagine. Yeah, it's a lot of discipline taking a step Taking one step into the gym is not gonna turn you into the incredible Hulk. You fucking maniac Oh, yeah, no and this women who you know who do it who do it right? is not going to turn you into the incredible Hulk. You fucking maniac. Oh yeah. No. And this women who, you know, who do it, who do it right, the bodybuilders, they're on all kinds of roids and shit.

I mean, that's disgusting. That's disgusting ones. Yeah, the disgusting ones, but that's what people in their mind think like, oh my God, I could start looking like that. It's like, no, you don't have a prayer of looking like that. Never in a million years. It's like, well, I don't want to start, I don't want to start playing the violin because I'll be too good. I don't want to, I don't want to be famous.

Yeah. I don't, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I don't know, I'm Yasha Hiphats and, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to be responsible for all the, the million dollar concerts that they're going to ask me to put on if I were to start learning the violin. I don't want to do that. Like Like what the fuck are you, we really, we need re-education camps. Anybody who says that, you know what, you need to, you need to report to your community college on Monday, and you're gonna watch a three hour PowerPoint presentation on how big of a fucking moron you are. Yeah.

For saying something so stupid. Yeah. Get out of everyone's face. Go in the corner. You're in time out, you're in timeout. You've been warned by this, but now you're officially in timeout. Go to your room and think about what you said.

Think about the implications of what you've said. That it's too bulky. You fucking idiot. That's a good one, Matt. Thank you. Yeah. All right, we'll see you at the show. Thank you. Yeah. All right. We'll see you at the show.

Thank you, by the way. Thank you. Think of Sean's tattoo. You're welcome. Glad to be there. See you. You want to hear more interview tips for Madcuck? Sure.

All right. Interview tips for Madcuck's suggestions. The job interview. You know, be sure to do homework when you're trying to get a job, right? So a passing client that's at Wikipedia page of the company is usually good enough. Um, I, what I do is I just, when I'm in the lobby and waiting for them to call me back, I'm like, hey, uh, what is this place? Um, book's a million, what is books a million?

Oh, it's a bookstore. Oh, I know about books. Yeah, that's okay. That's good enough. Don't look at anything books. Yeah, that's okay. That's good enough. Don't look at anything else. Fuck all that other stuff. Transfer success. Always wear your best cargo shorts.

Not cargo shorts, like a hole in the pocket. Where's your wallet's been poking through? Cause they're your favorite shorts that you bought, you know, 17 years ago. And they fit you just right. Cause you were a fat guy when you got them. And you're a little bit skinnier. So there's plenty of room for your balls

and your penis and what now. And you know be sure to wear a take shirt or a video game shirt that the printing hasn't faded it anyway. You weren't a faded printed shirt. I mean that's just immediately they're gonna be like no this guy's an idiot. And you know nothing, nothing tops off looking like your business professional like your cargo shorts, your video game shirt, and then like a suit jacket, did you bought it at a thrift store? Yeah. I checked it.

Bring a gift. You know, it's in like open to the fun case better than bringing a gift. I always bring a bottle of wine for my host and that's here you go. No, this bottle of Trader Joe's wine. It was $3. And I really hope you enjoyed this.

And maybe if they get stocked up, they don't think as much about the questions you're asking you. You know, win, win. Yeah, you can imagine that. I'm showing up for the bottle of wine. Yeah. I got some Maddox related news. The trademark, the trademark,

whatever legal action. The next phase, I think, is in early October. So this phase, I think there's some amount of intent involved in it. The way I understand it, the way the trademark lawyer described it to me, or the way I understood it is that if Maddox's intent was to just rip it off and ice me out of it, then that will count heavily against him. So how do you prove intent? Well, here's the beauty, right? When that all happened, when the podcast first ended and ideas where people were floating across ideas, like, oh, you should just restart it. And this and that. Laurie Foster jumped on Reddit and started running her mouth about like a winky smiley face like, oh, who's to say that Maddox isn't planning on just restarting it. Winky wink. Like she couldn't keep her fucking mouth shut, right? So the plan is to start subpoena, like I think, deposing, I think we can depose these people.

So like compelling Laurie to say, like, well, what do you know? What was said? What did you mean by this? Yeah. So if anybody out there has private chat logs of Maddox saying that his plans for the biggest problem were to restart it, send them to me, send it to me,

because that's shit's evidence as I understand it Well, it would go toward proving intent. Yeah, I would think which you can't do. Yeah, can't fucking do that Okay, let's be he's got got got got got a couple left Another great way to get in the door early is to compliment them You know always compliments you come in to get your bottle of wine. Hey, I you this bottle of wine. By the way, what lovely breasts you have I mean that instantly opens or maybe it's a guy maybe it's a guy right got the equal opportunity come in get in the bottle On what a lovely penis you have Show them that you're up to the challenge while you're ringing the lobby of their

Challenge them to to a battle royale to the death and that that way they know that you, you're serious. I always say like, all right, we need a green, I will play you in Street Fighter Alpha, Street Fighter Alpha 2, Street Fighter Alpha Double Extreme Combat 3 arcade edition. So there's only one copy of it. It's in a arcade in rural Utah, they got struck by lightning, the top two scores on that mark are K cabinet. The initials are MAD and CKS in your face. Mad, those are mad, mad suggestions. Mad suggestions, mad suggestions. Got another one I'll play next time. Uh, let's see.

Got some updates. Frank, the tank is doing great. He now has, he says, I now have an apartment. My life is great drinking to celebrate. Oh, he says, I now have an apartment. My life is great, drinking to celebrate. Oh, good. All right, good for him. There was some, there was a wrap up on the Joel Chaco. Go ask, remember that guy?

Yeah, Chaco. Sure. He got Cernivich on and then he was gonna try for extra, try for some more guests, but then things kind of spiraled out of control. And the next thing I knew I was getting blamed for not paying people and being an overall like shithead. He was on, he was on, he was on,

here's what I don't get. Well, that's talking about what an asshole like. I don't know, yeah, I don't know what happened with that. I lost track of it. I thought he was a, you know, I thought he was tight with the show. And I said, somebody posted all of the chat logs they had with him on Reddit and and chats

that I had with him that he then sent to that guy and then that guy posted on Reddit. So it was like a double, like a, like a double docs. So Joel, I guess, took a screenshot of stuff. I said to him and then sent it to that guy and then that guy ended up just posting the whole dump log. Yeah. And it all, the only thing I cared about was the claims that I didn't pay people.

I don't know how that all got sideways. You can tell if you read the chat log. Really? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Like there's, it begins with a seven day period where I didn't answer Facebook messages. And then he says, I'm done. Like thanks for the laughs, a chow.

Like fuck you, kind of kind of passive aggressive fuck you. That's how I took it anyway. And then it got accelerated after that. It got worse and worse. But through all my sleuthing, I did find that I hadn't paid two people. So they were paid. Oh, yeah. So I guess the claim was right, technically, technically correct.

Well, long as you took care of it. I'm sure it wasn't, I know it wasn't any intention on your part. Oh, please. I have my, I missed my first car payment. Yeah, yeah. It was Wes Morris, the guy who painted the Dr. Phil one. Oh, please. I have my, I missed my first car payment. Um, yeah, yeah, it was Westmore. It's the guy who painted the, the Dr. Phil one. Oh, is there a, yeah, one of them, because things got all mixed up anyway. So if you want to go read some private

chat logs, you know, I, I imagine no one in this audience wants to do that. Just go hop on over the Reddit. Oh, let's say I got some email. Um, Kay Burt says, just listen to the show and heard the voicemail about a blender toilet being a great invention, because then it wouldn't get clogged. As a plumber, I felt I should inform you guys that a blender toilet has already been invented

and it fucking sucks. We thought that'd be, I thought that'd be a great idea. Chopped that shit up, right? Make, yeah, sure, make sense without industrialize your turd cutter. Bam, turd cutter 9000, pop that shit up, right? Yeah, sure, it makes sense without industrialize your turd cutter. Bam, turd cutter 9,000. How that shit in the pipe. Y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all,

chew right through it. Get a garbage disposal in that toilet, right? And we're blocked toilets and it's fun. He says no. He says it sucks. It's called a maserading toilet, assembly. And it's used for places like basements that have no existing underground drainage.

It's a shitty thin plastic box that attaches to the back of the toilet with a blender and a pump that grinds up all your shit and pumps it through a three quarter inch PVC pipe into an existing sewage line. It's a capacity for a shower and a sink and they clog and break all the fucking time. And if the pump is broken and nowhere to go,

it's guaranteed to go all over the floor. Yeah, well, I can see, but that doesn't mean it's a bad idea. Yeah, it's been poorly made. Yeah, it needs to be that toilet's gotta look like, I wanna toilet it, it looks like the de- Get that asshole Dyson on this stuff. Yeah, he makes really cool looking shit that isn't any different than anything else.

Get Elon Musk on it. Yeah. With his fucking hair plugs. Yeah. Get his, put his drilling, his hyper loop shit. Yeah. Put that in the toilet somehow. So it's whooshing, it's whooshing right out.

Space toilets. Matter of fact, get those two assholes on an experimental plane together. And just, and get at a hurricane or something. Jeremy, Jeremy S. Jeremy Silverz says, you show is great. I don't often find the need to comment on things because who cares what I think, right? But here you go. I had an old boss, what a daughter in Honduras, when they were hit with a disaster, the Red Cross, I was talking about the Red Cross last week, the Red Cross shipped them crates and crates of women's high-heeled shoes.

Oh, it's probably smart though. Out of the mud, get out of the mud. Yeah, keep out of the mud, and it makes the women hotter, so the men will work harder at rebuilding civilization. Yeah, that's smart thinking on the Red Cross. After my boss asked whether or not the Red Cross showed up and helped, she told her, I suppose,

if we got hungry enough, we could cook some of the leather shoes. It's not what they're for though. She didn't, they should have explained why they sent them. Yeah. Yeah. Same, didn't understand. Miscommunication. Since then, my boss is only donated to Catholic relief services. Since they

have to post where all the money they collect goes. Also, if they collect something for a particular reason, they're required to spend it on that reason. That seems pretty obvious, right? Yeah. Like, just put a fucking spreadsheet online. Yeah. Not trying to promote Catholicism, just trying to connect people who would help a group who really does. Yeah, but that's somebody who was trying to promote Catholicism. That's what they would say, too. So, who the hell knows what you can trust? Kregio Kregi says, I've started dressing like a cowboy recently

and I've picked up three girls in three different nights. That is cool. Previously, I struggled to pick up any, mainly for my lack of confidence. Nothing will give you confidence, like dressing like a fucking cowboy, man. You can't have, see, if you're dressed like a normal person, you can shrink away and hide from yourself, right? But if you dress like an asshole, you can't hide.

No. You have to just be yourself. You have to put it all out there. You gotta wear some boots and some spurs and some Wranglers where you can see the outline of your dick and a cowboy shirt with those little, those little mother of pearls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, those like pearl-loid, yeah, pearl-loid buttons that have curved pockets on them. Yeah, because they're so fancy.

They're cool. They are cool. And you got to button it way up and you got to wear a Bolo them. Yeah. Because they're so fancy. They are cool. They are cool. And you got to button it way up. And you got to wear a Bolo tie. Yeah. And you got to wear a big fucking 10 gallon hat. That's the secret to picking up chicks.

Yeah. I bet it puts, I bet it puts them at ease too. Because women always think they look like shit. Yeah. Like every time I've ever gone out, I don't care what I look like. If I'm dressing up, I think I look bad because the shirt isn't tailored and I hate that it looks crappy untucked, but it also looks crappy tucked in.

Because I've got a tough thing to find a shirt you can wear untucked that looks alright. Oh, yeah. You look like a child. I think there's a company that specifically makes shirts for men to wear untucked because they're nice and flat on the bottom. Yeah. make shirts for men. Untucked. To wear untucked. Because nice flat on the bottom. And they're the right length. They're the right kind of long.

Like it feels like I'm wearing pajamas. Yeah, I know, it's weird. And then I roll the sleeves up because I'm a little bit hot. Yeah, I know. But you can't roll them up to your elbow. No, no, no. Right? No.

Because then you look like you're rebuilding America with them rolled up. And my arms are too goddamn big. I just can't roll the sleeves up that. So I got them rolled up to like mid, what is this mid forearm? And it just, everything feels like a goddamn balloon. Like whenever I wear any nice button-up clothes,

I feel like that parachute that you play with in elementary school, where, you know, where everybody like that parachute that you play with in elementary school, where everybody gets in and then throws it up and then sits on it and you all sit in there, giggling like assholes in this big tent of air. Remember the parachute? No. You never play with a parachute as a kid? No, like a big circuit or like a... You never had a parachute in your elementary school?

No. Did you go to elementary school? Well, my elementary school was on the ground. Yeah, yeah, shut up, Sean. It's like a big parachute canvas, and you do, and you wiggle it and hit it and kids crawl around underneath it. What am I describing? Like a pedophile activity?

No, I just got juved into this. Traps air under it. Like, yeah, it's like a parachute. But it's billowing and huge. That's how I feel whenever I'm wearing a buttonophile activity. You just got juved into this? Traps air under it like, yeah, it's like a parachute. But it's it billowing and huge. Yeah, well, that's how I feel whenever I'm wearing a button up shirt. Yeah, the fuck kind of, it was fun. Never had one.

What about Earthball? Do you ever have that as a kid? We had Dodgeball. Nah, Dodgeball is, what's Earthball? Where it's a, you can't plan to tree. No, we're getting hit in the face. I went to, I went to plan to tree. It's a tree to play Arizona motherfucker.

We didn't have tree planning there. You're sure? It's a six foot ball that all the kids lay on their back and they kick the ball. It's like you play, it's like you're playing soccer, but you're not allowed to move. You have to lay on your back and you have two teams and the ball is enormous.

And it comes in and you've got to kick it. It's like a rainy day activity. What if you kick it where nobody is? The game's over. Sean, why are you putting, this is a real game that happened. Then the teachers throw it back into play. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

No, it's very fun. It's a very fun game, Earthball. You like lay on your back with your feet up in the air? Yeah, but there's like a hundred kids. You lay on your back on a basketball court inside. It's more than just your class. So everybody, the whole school gets together. It's like a multi-purpose rule. Yeah, like PE, because all the kids are together from PE. So if it's raining, you go inside and play earthball.

That's real. Let's all lay down. Yeah. That's all lay down and get some physical exercise. It's leg day leg down. Last time I did leg day, last time I did leg day, it was my earth ball when it rained in Maricopa County in 1987. So it's a rainy day activity where nobody can go outside for PE. All right. Yeah.

No, I never played earth ball. Anyway, I feel like such a piece of shit dressing up. But I bet, but I never make a big deal about it. Because I know that like, oh well, whatever, this is just what I look like. I don't care. But every single girl always is, oh, I don't, this doesn't look good.

I'm not satisfied with the way I look. And I'm like, well, I would chop off a finger to fuck you in that. So it looks pretty good to me. But what I'm saying is this guy's dressing like a complete asshole, like dressing like a full-on cowboy, probably makes them feel at ease with how they think they look like crap.

Could be. It's like, he's obviously ridiculous. Yeah. Like, he, well, he looks way worse than me. There's no way that outfit could have gone right. So I'm gonna go, I'm at ease talking to this cowboy. Plus, I did some research on romance novels.

I see. Did you know that I did this? What did research? Yeah, no. I went on to the erotic section on Amazon, and I said, like, what are the categories? And cowboys and rich people are overwhelmingly outweigh everything else.

Like cowboys and then like royalty and just rich dudes and captains of industry. That's all romance novels are written entirely for those demographics. No shit. So maybe they just maybe chicks just see cowboys shit and they start getting horny. Seems to be working for that guy. Yeah, working for that guy. The weird part is, however, since I've done the hat boots, leather jacket and shirt, I've been doing far better. The weird part is, is that I'm an Englishman on Britain's South Coast.

So no possible way, he could be a cowboy. Devon Brown says, hey, Dick love the show. Since the question of how gay it is to bang a trap, has come up at least twice. I figured I'd send you this link. Here's the cliff notes. So glad that you did this, man. You know, if you're asking somebody to watch a video,

you should really sum it up for them. You're asking them to put in time. You should put in time preemptively to explain the video. Okay. You know, just in case they don't have time to do it. Yeah. Because the volume thing's so frustrating. Here's the cliff notes in case you get something better to do.

Men get turned on by fertility cues, tits and ass. Right? Okay. We can all agree on that. Yeah. Feet, for some reason. Maybe it's because we're built to be endurance hunters. We're turned on my feet. And cocks, because everything is a contest,

especially banging chicks, and if someone is up in, we wanna be in there as well. So guys, this guy's video is saying that biologically, men get turned on when they see Cox, because they want whatever that thing is going, that cock is going after. And they want, they want their semen to beat it out. That weird.

Gross. All right. I guess everyone needs a little dick. Also watching exclusively lesbian porn will lower your sperm count. Interesting. Wow. Interesting. Wow. Interesting stuff.

That was the news. I tried to get a news baby in this episode to commemorate 9-11. I got, I seriously lined up twin fitness models to come in, but they couldn't come back to town early. They were thinking, that was going to be my tribute to 9-11. Twin news babes. Maybe they'll come in next week though, we'll see. See if we get lucky.

All right everybody, oh, let me get some presents. Okay, Lusso's synthies in. They're a handicap fries. Right. Sean. A handicaps. Right. Sean. And he caps. Yep.

I remember. Sound like he was saying handicap fries. Send a big old display of these things. Oh, okay. That's shit. So this looks like something I would want to eat. Yeah, here you go, okay. That's shit. So this looks like something I would want to eat. Yeah, here you go, man. Some handicap hot fries for you.

Handicapped hot fries. More delicious than regular fries. Oh, my goodness. Gracious. I have to try these. Yeah. Hey, how about a little thank you for those snacks. Ha ha. Ha. How do they taste? Hey, how about a little thank you for those snacks? Haha.

How do they taste? How are your hands your handicap fries experience? They're super airy. Oh yeah, they're incredibly airy. Pretty good. Little bit of hot seasoning. This one's from Chad and Zan. Dicks you mentioned wanting a spoon collection.

My girlfriend and I knew we had to find a glorious like tacky one from our home state. We both been listening since you show with the Armenian Baba Duke. Here's to hoping that you can eventually get a road rage show in Boston. We should go to Boston. Soveneer Spoons, man, all this trouble I went through, Sean.

The book, the podcast, the breakup, getting, getting asked from the entire LA comedy community, losing commercials, it's all been for the spoons. Yeah. It's all been for a wall of spoons that I want to have. From every state in the, every state in the union, every country in the world, every planet I want to fucking spoon from. Is that from Massachusetts? This is from Bar Harbor, Maine. Bar Harbor, Maine, that's a Maine lobster.

There you go. He was on vacation, he sent me a spoon. Awesome. go. He was on vacation, he sent me a spoon. Awesome. That's what these two did, they sent me a spoon. So thanks guys, I got another spoon over here from the Chelsea and Clay show. Hey buddy, Chelsea and I thought with your ever growing internet notoriety,

you could use a shirt to reflect on. So this is totally isn't a chill at all. And anyone who says they're jumping to some, they're just some real conclusion jumping to paranoid bitches. That said, one of the remaining shows in the contest where everything is a podcast, come at us, but just also got one of these nifty spoons

that you love so much. So much for keeping it short. Go fuck yourself, love clay and shells. They're from, they're from internet popular, this podcast. I don't know if they're officially on the CNX Tuesday network, but there you go. Cool shirt. Oh yeah. Cool shirt, yeah. It's most kind of chemically.

Yeah. The shirt does, yeah. Guilded. Cool logo though. No, this is all style, active apparel and active wear. They're on a triple A. All right, but. Upstanding. All right, everybody, go toarel and active wear. They're on that trip, play. So it's upstanding. All right, everybody, go to

go to thedickshow.com, buy tickets through road rage, October 13th, go to patreon.com slash thedickshow. Let me get rid of these handicap fries. This is great. It's always better when you get the whole display case. I know. You know? Yeah. Feel it. They taste better. It's like it was stolen right out of the backroom of like a subway. Yeah. Or something. Lusos. Thank you. Lusos. Where the fuck are my notes?

They're under the sword fighting cocks. Oh, they're not. Oh, no. They're on the ground. Okay. Here we go. Goddamn. I had a bunch of other stuff to talk about. Yeah. It's a baseball game. It's so upsetting to me. This outro is by Dylan McAllister. Here you go. See you next Tuesday. The As she's in song is not better than this. You know. I'm not talking about your fucking sheets. They smell like a professional baseball player. Hey, thanks for the snacks, Luzos.

Hmm. Good. They're really live. Yeah. It's easier access. That's why they call them handicap fries. Yeah. Because they're easier for you to chew on. I say they've distilled all the flavor of a regular fries That's why they call them handicap fries. Yeah, because they're easier for you to chew on. I see. They've distilled all the flavor of a regular fries into a more accessible package. It's called accessibility.

Right. Right. OK. Handicap-free accessibility. Hello, Dick. In your most recent episode of The Big Show, I request that you revisit all of those concepts and stories and funny things you brought up because that gas had no interest.

Talking about you or talking about any of the shit you brought up. That gas, my God. I mean, what a great way to spend ten fifty minutes and a show having a funny conversation about you know when you read about the way that you met broads debating whether that's how that's really interesting to me a lot of people i think because we've got a lot of dick and rier and some of the self-week and maybe a long

game more now because the could in the past. I know it's on its fault that he's a terrible guest, but if you just want to go back and go over every single thing that you talked about, perhaps the Mysterios or even Sean, the audio would be your death. Thank you. I don't remember it all though. Yeah. I remember the book going over the book. You know, I never, part of, I was thinking about that after the last week's show. Like part of the reason I never tell women,

I never told women about men or better than women in the book. Yeah. It's just because like telling, telling the story is at this point, like telling it feels fake, you know? We've told it so many times, it feels like, it feels like it feels like something I'm just reciting. Yeah, like it doesn't even feel like I did it. Like it's on point.

I could see that. It puts a tremendous amount of pressure on them to respond to something that I'm not, I don't know. Yeah. That's weird about it. I hate things that are like the McGregor and Mayweather fight. I hate when anything's predetermined. It's not, it's like loses excitement.

I've told it, teller the same thing. Then this happened and then this, but you gotta pretend to be excited about it as if you haven't told it. Yeah, a bunch of times before. And try not, try not, try not, try not to use all my lies on that. But yeah, you know, plus it, now.

Hey, I'm listening to the Bones episode right now and I just wanna say I fucking love Sean right now because I was also a goalie in I talkie and I fucking Loves ruining people's days by blocking impossible shots Like like oh my god just how mad they were when I fucking just

mad they were when I fucking just picked up a fucking puck that should not have been caught. Yeah, you had no business stopping. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. It's so satisfying. What would be Sean? Dick the fuck self-matics. The fuck yourself but seriously? Yeah. I always think of that when sports movies. Yeah, they're always I always get kind of sad watching them because like the other team tried just as hard. Yeah, but they were bad in some way. They're bad at a bad coach coach told them to play dirty. Maybe one of them has a conscience, but like the kids and karate kid, the bad guys, like they're just

kids. They're parents involved them with an after school activity. Yeah. And, you know, they're not like making those decisions on their own. Yeah, I just told to do that. Really evil coach of the vendetta. Oh, right. Even the ones that are based on true stories. Yeah.

Like miracle. They went with Kurt Russell about the hockey team. About the, yeah. Like, we won, and they won. And you know, the other guys, they put their heart into it too. And they just gotta go home and be sad. Yeah. I don't know.

Sports movies don't work on me. I guess. At least in Rocky, Apollo had a lot of money and had a long time as the champ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before he lost. Right. But Mr. T got robbed.

Yeah, like he tried just as hard. Just trying to make a name for himself. Dick, it's Rick from South Carolina. You know what makes me a rage? My daughter's school. She's in kindergarten, five years old and fucking kindergarten. She's been in school school what three weeks now.

So we kept her out of school the other day. Not a good reason. And I just didn't want to go to school. I had better shit to do. So we kept her out of school. First day that she missed from school. And we get a letter and her little take home packet the other day. So you owe us a little printout. And it's talking about the true

ancy law. And then big like 20 point five. Unlawful reasons for being school being kept out of school. And then the lawful reasons for being kept out of school. What happened to excuse and unexcused that since it?

Or and you know if she reaches a certain amount you they make recommendations to family court i mean what the fuck what the f**k that's it f**k you my child you know don't tell me what to do with my kid f**king f**k the government family court Shit. Fuck, I'm fucked with government. Family court, like the most fucked system in America, with your unexcused unlawful absences.

Well, but my problem is that that's the first day she's missed. Ah, man, there's always been some kind of inquiry into some, you know, if you've been in school a month and you've missed like 12 days, yeah, even if those things are excused, the school is probably gonna ask like, what's going on? Why can't the kid get to school?

Yeah, cause it's probably bad reason. Yeah, but one, and the immediate threat, man, some people have no problems making threats. No. That's what I've learned. That's what I've learned more recently than not. It's just somebody has, some people, there are people who have no problem popping onto

their word document, highlighting a font, making it 20, making it gigantic, bumping it up to 20 and then just dispatching it in the male. Like they have absolutely no concept of another person on the other end of that. Yeah. And they're oh, I don't know what like no matter what position they get into unless it's even if it's the very fucking bottom they judge that's how they solve everything. Threat, call the cops. Yeah. Got Gromis school.

Now, let's threaten to call family services. Yeah, there's no elevating it or there's no progression at all. No. As you start to like, well, the law says, nope, this is what I'm able to do. This will definitely work. Like, so would just showing up at their house

and putting a gun to the parent's head. How do you not see the subtlety of what you're fucking doing? Miss school one day. Yeah. Lawful, unlawful reasons to miss school. What? Gotta make sure they get their money. No shit. That's really what it is isn't it? What are they get a hundred bucks a day? I don't our teachers used to tell us that that it was shamelessly It was very important that like well. Yeah, and that absence is be excused or

God damn it. I read this article this week that said, teaching kids philosophy bumps up their test scores by like huge amounts. It like accelerates their learning in every other subject by like mom. Teaches them to think in different ways than what traditional school teaches you.

Yeah, and it goes on to what I was saying like last week where kids learn just by imitating their parents. Because if you're around your parents all day, your dad's dropping some probably drunk and idiotic philosophy on you, but philosophy nonetheless, like every guy when he gets drunk turns into some version of Kant or Nietzsche, right?

Or, you know, everybody's got their drunk philosopher that everybody's deogenies, when they're, when every man drinks himself more and more, drinks himself away from Plato and toward deogenies with every drink. So kids are getting some philosophy at home, but then there's no hope of teaching that in school, right? Like it's all just a big monolith.

All of school is a one big industrialized monolith a Giant fucking a giant junior military industrial complex now. I'm sounding fucking drunk. Yeah mind Just like explain what's going on here It's like for in the morning Now woke up I thought I would look, can't sleep for reasons. I thought I would, I would listen to the new I have set of the Dick show.

You know, the only thing making me happy is life right now. Mm-hmm. And then you said that A. Parsec is a distant flight show. Oh, no. Oh, I know, I messed that up. Just enough would be with the astrological. Just like, and then just like, yeah.

I mean, so again, it's just kind of complicated. And it's like around three, light years, actually, the light year is the word fucking idiot the problem basically what apart second is the distance something has to be away from earth such that when the earth moves from one side of its orbit to the other side of the orbit it's like a star it looks like it doesn't move and the sky that's basically

what that means okay the light distance to fucking. What the fuck, bro? Why do you even... I still don't understand. Next time you want to think something that doesn't move. It's fucking stop. I don't know how to go to the skies. It's the fucking return that's for you right now. You just fucking crazy. Since I get into like general relative. I have a reputation. Thanks. I love you. You did a fantastic.

I thought it was some kind of angle away from the sun. I did know I did know I was wrong right after I said it. I felt stupid for trying as you should. Yeah. What are you gonna do? Some embarrassing to try and get it wrong. Let's try to get better. But I still every time I every time I try to get an explanation,

I misunderstand it. Like, even that guy's, that didn't make sense, did it? The star doesn't move? Well, it looks like it doesn't move. So, okay, so if you're at the other side of your orbit, a star, but I know it's like 3.2 light years. So how the fuck stars are everywhere? That can't be his explanation cannot be right. I don't know. I hope it's, I hope his explanation

is somehow also fucked up. I feel a web search coming on. Yeah. I don't want to do it. I want to learn it just by bullshit. I'm going to learn it. Hey there, Dick. Hey, Sean. This is Texas Todd. I'm just calling to let Sean know that all y'all see this flicker argue in about where to pull your lasso out to, you know, water the hole. I'm just saying you can't really, you know, wriggle your snake over your belt buckle. So I've always just done the fly method myself. But to be honest, there's one little quantity you boys aren't thinking about over there. And all ocean land, California, where all the liberals

just run free to hang out and hurt you about where the paint is. That's on your onesie. You know, that little butt flap on your onesie. Sometimes that butt flap gets, you know, in the toilet bowl, gets a little bit wet. Maybe gets a He sometimes that butt flap gets you know in the toilet bowl Get a little bit wet. Maybe get a little poop here all there, you know But I mean I usually take my whole ones the off when I need to take a shit But I'm just wondering it does anybody out there have this issue other than me nobody wears one

He's out. I feel alone in the world Buckley has a one day take a picture. You, after I'm done ranching for the day, and it's like an outside. I'll see the flat. Comes right out, falls in the water, and hole in the damn toilet. So I don't know. It just gives me a little bit of disgust

when I hear you guys talking about, you know, pulling your pistol out of your fly. And I'm worried about the booty flap on the damn wounds. So I don't know. Get back to me. Let me know what you boys think. See all city flickers later. What do you think about butt flaps on a onesie?

Well, I have no experience with them. Where those were where it's cold. Where I get to go. See, this is opening up a whole. It really is. It can. Because now, if you're talking about butt flaps on a onesie, this is going to open up the do you stand or sit

to wipe argument. And I'm not interested in having that argument. It's gross. Yeah, because you're going to sit for the butt flap to remain safe. Yeah. If you're wiping. The show has to maintain some standard. Yeah, and we're not having that conversation because the obvious answer is that you stand. Where's Mr. Fancy pants to weigh in on this? Start a poll. Okay. I got a couple of penis related voicemails.

Hey, Dick. This week, her last week, I guess if you be listening to this on the show, we had some voicemails about the dick size as a guest. Let me tell you something. I'm gonna drop some science on y'all. Here we go. I noticed that everybody that ever is gone. I noticed that when people say they're about to drop science on you,

rarely what follows is scientific. Okay. Yeah. See, through military boot camp or anything like that, yeah, will agree with me. All right. But you take in a shower with a whole bunch of dudes, agree with me. All right. Look, you're taking a shower with a whole bunch of dudes, all right? Air Force, Army Marines, whatever. We all take showers together,

and it's like fucking 40 or 50 dudes, you know, shawling together. All right. All the Bragg dudes, when everybody says every black dude's got a big dick it's not fucking true. I look I'm not a gay guy. All right I get it. I'm making some statements about dicks like I've seen some yeah I've seen dicks before. I've shouted at a bunch of dudes. I can't do anything about that. I can't erase those men. Whoop, what a light about it. All right. There's black dudes with eight eight horns for this, right? Eight horns in the same token, I will say, I've seen a black dude probably about six six three. His dick was, was

three car sex and lost his fucking knees. I was like, Holy shit. How the, what the fuck is he going to do with that? What girl is gonna fuck that thing? All right, I don't get it. I don't get it. But like I said, I'm not gay. I just have to see if he's different from a gay. That's all I'm saying. But everybody's got different dicks. White, black, Hispanic. Everybody's got different dicks, all right? So it's not true. All the stereotypes aren't true, right? I think this guy has got different dicks except for that one black dude, which I couldn't fucking believe holy shit Anyway, go fuck yourself. Keep you up at night. Great show. See you next week. I think that guy might be gay You really remember is that one guy's dick? Well, make clearly made an impact. Yeah No, I don't remember some guys did that.

Made an impression. Yeah, he's all describing it in detail. Yeah. Talking about his knees, putting himself in the mindset of what a chick would do if he saw it. Yeah, that's gay. Don't you think? Oh, I don't know.

Well, you know, we got to run that. They had made a computer that could spot gay people. Do you see that? No. On the news. Did you hear about this? Did you see that? Did you hear about that? Really? Yeah. Because analyzing like facial features, expressions, tone of voice, like, no, it would go through your email and see how much you're talking about other men's dicks. I walked right into that. Right into that. I don't know. Of course, it's not going to be scientific. No, it's scientific. It's scientific. It looks at your face. I don't know. It runs an algorithm. And it says, I read the white paper. It analyzes

your face. And if it sees a dick in your mouth, then it determines your most likely. Weird. It's weird, right? Yeah. Uncanny. Weird computer. They patented, of course. Sure.

Google is going to be rolling it out. Yeah. Yeah. They did really do it though. They really made a computer to see you get. I'm not fighting a third time. No, they did. They did.

Okay. And it was. No, they did. No, they did. No, they did. No, they did. No, they did. They did. Okay. And it was, it's more accurate than people are. Okay, people who think they have, yeah, gay, dark. Any people, you know, if you think you're not good at it or you are, it was great at seeing like who is the, it took a sample size.

And it said like who's the most gay? And it ranked everybody. And God, we should get a hold of that technology. There we go. That's the end of the world, man. Yeah. If that technology gets out, it's gonna cause riots. Yeah.

You know, that's worse than credit scores getting out. If the gay machine calculates how gay men guys are, because all women is 100% what would happen to like middle eastern countries. That's a that's an honest question. Oh yeah, real. That's Trump's secret weapon against ISIS. One terminal. One terminal. One terminal where you walk up and it tells you what percentage K you are.

So I just be a bloodbath, wouldn't it? Yeah. It would go and then it puts your it puts your face on a big board. You walk up and it was like, no, no, no, no. All the imams come out. Nobody fucking use that machine. It's the devil. It's the devil fucking The devil's fucking it.

It just sits there. It just sits there like the 2001 space monolith. Slowly but surely they come out of the woodworks. I'm the straightest terrorist here. Let me put my, this infidel machine, there's nothing on me. There's no how many virgins and he just walks up, want, want, want gay.

Even if you're, even if it's like a 90, even if it's your 2% gay, nope, and end of discussion. And then it makes like a big like, who you sound? It starts playing the Golden Girls theme. If you're depending on how gay you are. Oh man, yeah, we got to get them that technology

quickly. It's possible. And then we'll just shut all the while they're distracted. We'll just shut all the women out. And like, you guys, yeah, just come live in America. You're fine. Yeah, you're fine. It's, it's, it's, it tries me crazy that we don't, like, is that not obvious to everybody? Like yeah, well, can we just let the women in first? Like, you know, we all know why. We just, because, because guys are like a pain in the ass. And they like have a lot of energy, especially the 20 year old. Highly motivated to do bad stuff.

Yeah. Like, I'm just motivated to do bad stuff. Yeah. Like, I'm just tapering out of that. Yeah. So, right, it lasts a while. I don't want me to be here. Right. I don't want any other guys in here. Yeah.

Fifth year old, you just not even want you to be here, let alone 20-year-old. No. It's so fucking dumb. That's not... Yeah, like, let's check in. Yeah, okay. Then we'll get to all the dudes. We will never get to do it.

I think that's in the print, what is it? Machiavelli's book, his resume that he wrote to be the advisor for cat. I don't know, I'm getting my facts all. This is gonna be another par second. But I know in the print he says like the only thing you the only way to take over countries is to take the women. That's the only way to that's the only way to change it. Otherwise, it does it's not going to work. Another riveting conversation about Dix sizes

here we go. There's no. Dick, I just wanted to build on the penis rage. So I'm a half Indian half white guy. And so apparently I'm supposed to have like the smallest dick imaginable, but I've been fortunate to have been blessed with a glorious large dick and all the magic Indians. But you don't say. Of course, nobody would ever know because I'm supposed to have this little tiny

that can tell I pull it out, but you're great. But anyway, I'm also a doctor as it so happens. So I've seen my fascia or penis, and I can tell you there's no real correlation to the race. So, I don't know, that's just my experience. But I don't know, just want to throw that out But I don't know, just wanna throw that out there. Go fuck yourself. Indian doctor, huh?

So the one stereotype is true, but the other one's not true, Doc. Mm-hmm. Okay. Dr. Tinycock. Ha-ha-ha. Can I get 10 C's of bullshit, please? Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Mm. I saw a nationality penis chart one time. I don't know where I saw it. I wasn't doing anything gay though. Just in case anybody's wondering. And it was like the look of the penis, the look of your penis, depending on your nationality.

I was looking at it and I was like, what do you mean the look of your penis, depending on your nationality. I was looking at it and I was like, oh, what do you mean the look of your penis? And they're all different. They all have different shapes. Like looking at one of those charts of fighter jets. Yeah, they all have their outline. And 15 looks different than a 16. A little bit different than a 14.

They all kind of look the same, but they all look a little bit different. And I was like, oh, this is stupid. And then I got to the Mexican one. I was like oh my god That's exactly what Someone's got a spy camera and my underpants or what? So then I guess now I know what every nationalities dick looks like wow because I saw that chart. Yeah Wasn't a gay thing though. No, I want to stress. Yeah, stress that just in case anybody's wondering Yo dick

Pracking self-bluff big bear, you know, it makes me a fucking rage tonight. What twist ties. Yeah Going to open up a loaf of bread and you look at it You think to yourself, I can open this. And you go to twist the twist time. But it's just getting tighter. It's the wrong way, man. I think this is the other way.

And still not working. So you actually fumble the shit open. And you get your bread out to make your sandwich, man, the fuck shit you're doing. You're going to close it back up? You can't find the twist tie. And you know where your head really need to do. Wrap it up.

Spin that shit back up. Tuck it in your bread. Yep. Good to go. Nope. You can't do that. Because Whatever woman is in your life, it's fucking pissed off. Yeah. Cause stupid fucking twist tie isn't on there.

She has to scrounge around for who knows how long you find it. You find it later. Something else. Then you find it later and you just are stuck with a twist tie. That's good for nothing, but stabbing thumbs Yeah, go fuck you point good point. That's a good one Let's see here Two more I get two more Third people in my family my family's I didn't skip anything as Andrew from Eugene, Oregon He calls calls in sometimes it cuts them off

Oh, they continue to They're pretty far the metal. That's but they also got a lot of problems drug is alcohol and Few people in my family they say things like I just I can't not believe in and have it because this life is so Shitty and that it's they can't be all the rips and I'm I'm just waiting until I can get up there and finally go live my life. And that really makes me rage because you've completely given up. You've completely given up on life. And even though you're weathering it, you're standing it, you can do what you've got. The endurance, you're pretending like you don't.

You're pretending like you don't and you're crowding up. I don't know if it's much housing. I don't know if it's just what attention. But I don't know if it's just housing. I don't know if it's just what attention, but I don't know if it's just an infustration that can never be listed. That's how people deal with it. I don't know, but it makes me rage. What are you going to do? What do you want? That'd be weird. It'd be weird to know a bunch of people who believe in heaven. It's going to be great when I get up there. Yeah, they all, it'll all work out.

I'll finally get my just, you know, desserts, right? Yeah, like what is it, what is that? I always want it broken down. Like what do you think's gonna go on up there? You know, you're gonna be bored, just sitting around being a beam of light. Forever, sounds kind of fucking boring. Man, I don't know.

Q was bored and Star Trek, that guy had... Cause all kinds of mayhem. Yeah, he said, total assort. He needed to be stimulated. Like, what part of you remains if you're in heaven? And you got to deal with, you got to deal with, like, I thought the whole appeal of it was that you get to hang around all the people that you are with on Earth forever.

Yeah, I'd be reunited with it. But you hate all of them already. Like they're all the same people making you miserable. Yes, man, maybe it's all the good parts of them. It's all, oh, I don't know. I'm making all of them. Like everybody else. It's your birthday every day.

Yeah. That's what happened. I guess. I just want someone to explain it to me. No, that like everybody else. It's your birthday every day. Yeah. That's what happened. I guess. I just want someone to explain. No, that would be hell. In a way that makes sense. Oh, yeah, for you. Yeah.

Exactly. Right. So it's like a bunch of fake, it's like a bunch of fake versions of people that just always want to placate you. It just sounds like I'm sitting down. It just sounds like hell. Yeah. Yeah.

How do you, I don't know. I don't understand how it works. Yeah. It's an excuse. Quiture hell. Yeah. Yeah. How do you understand how it works? Yeah. It's an excuse. Quitch or thankin'. Yeah. I've had too much to think today. Yeah.

Professor Donk here, listening to old episodes, your problem, pussy grapes. Recently, I was texting with a girl and she gave my number to her ex-boyfriend and I started getting texts from this guy like, what are you doing? Messed with her, you better treat her right. You know, I'm making voice right here. And I was like, what the hell is this, broad?

What did you do? And she's like, oh, he's real protective and all this stuff. And like, oh, God, after about a week or something like that, I cut her off right away. You don't go give my number out to strangers or mock the ex-boyfriends while we're trying to talk. Everybody a week or so, and he didn't follow up with any of his threats. I started turning the tables on him because he had was all bark and no bite. So I started asking him some of the great questions like what color is your hair today? What do you think this shirt would look like on me?

Did that scubs stuff? I would deck some stuff like that. So what you thinking? I think that the image has come back to you with all the homophobic remarks. Yeah, yeah. Just I texted him for about a month. Just for racking him.

I said, did pictures of black dress shoes. I'm be like, which ones do you think today? Calvin Klein or the Joseph Aboultz? Hmm. I said to the picture of my wallet and be like, does this wallet match my shirt? That's what you have a great day, bye. He would respond for like a month.

Oh, he has to respond. So pissed off. Oh, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. My daughter was born the whole 12 hours ago. And that feeling, I don't know how you can explain. Things are one way mom moment it's totally the opposite the next you you go from looking at it as this thing's coming to oh my god this thing here it's very amazing I don't know how

to explain it you just have to feel it also about how to go to the bathroom. Holds 12 hours ago, the daughter was born. Yet, all three hours ago, my car was towed. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. What the hell is going on? Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on.

Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on.

Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell is going on. Don't know what the hell What the fuck me so badly? What the hell did I do? My car ended up in the middle of the road after being parked for four days. How does that happen? I don't know man. Fuck! Daughter was born, but then it's car-car-car was towed. Yeah, evens out. It's life. Yeah.

Hey, Dick. It's funny seeing here, all these people get real mad about pissing and what's right. Do you want to get another real good argument going? Ask people whether they wipe their asses standing or sitting down. It's great. No matter what, you're going to get some guy, one, one person's just gonna flip shit because everyone else does it a different way from them and it's, it's great to the 50-50. Nobody fucking knows. All right, go fuck yourself. That's the debate. The show has turned into a best debate.

We're debating these hot button issues. No. That debate, you know, that Maddox death pool is heating up because they missed an episode last week. There's a Maddox death pool. Oh, yeah. When he's going to call the show, I started a death pool. God, I was thinking a little more severe than that. I think we are. No, that's the, yeah.

Well, you know, I thought that was what it was. There, that's a separate pool. She's what the funny one is When when the biggest debate is gonna be called Because it's just a time suck for like three people two of whom could be doing much better things with their Saturday I mean for God's sake. It's like helping It's like helping a guy move every Saturday for free, for some pretzels, terrible, terrible business decision, terrible decision upon everyone involved, except for one person.

But there is a death pool, and everybody guessed the time that the best debate is going to be called, called off, announced that it's going on hiatus or it's moving to once a month, there's some shit like that. Hey, Dick Coachcake, you know what makes me a rage? Fucking Canada and also Oregon and the Eastern Washington. So I live with some Washington, you know, which is pretty much the worst place

for someone who is a libertarian. Regardless of that, but, uh, it's turning into like the being vegan for men. I'm libertarian. You know, how do you spot a vegan? Like, don't worry, though. I don't know if someone's a vegan. Don't worry, though, they'll let you know. Yeah, I got enough. Somebody's a libertarian. Yeah. Don't worry, they'll let you know. Yeah, I got enough somebody's a libertarian. Don't worry. They'll let you know. They'll let you know when you're violating that non-aggression principle.

I can't believe I've turned on it. No, I know, I know. I really have, but right after I turned on it in the episode, the libertarian Twitter account said that many things in Islam are compatible with libertarianism. It's like, who the fuck are you?

Who's this ad for? Are you guys kidding me? Yeah, many things in dictatorships are compatible with libertarianism. Like what? Not well, that idea is not well formed, but it seems insane. Insane.

Too insane to be a part of anymore. Too much. They went too far. They overreached. Yeah. You know, you got too silly. Sort of believing in the bullshit too much. Yeah, you don't even want to see, and you like to be entertained more than anybody I know.

Yeah. And you don't want to see a libertarian on the main debate stage in a presidential debate now. No, because that's not the most damning, you know, yeah, because I agree with so much of it. And I want the federal government to be skilled back, but they get up and they, like they don't know, they don't know how to argue because the, the libertarian philosophy appeals to people because it's so fucking simple.

Like it appeals to men. It appeals to young men, because we can just leave me the fuck alone as long as I'm not hurting anybody. Yeah. And we can earn for ourselves. Not everyone can say that. And we're brand new.

Like we're not admired with a system that owes us money. Like if you're 70 right now, you're owed a shitload of social security. Libertarianism doesn't work for you. Because you've been paying into, like all the rest of society is owed something. But young men aren't, right? So I'm saying, okay, let's focus on just scaling it back

a little bit, but they get, like libertarians get stuck in this trap where they have to explain things, like they come at everything from a theory point of view. Well, yeah. So you're like, oh, yeah, well, how does Rhodes work then? And they always try to answer because it's this, like, it's this ego trip where they think their system is so perfect that it can explain everything and it can, but only on, like only in a fantasy novel can explain anything.

Of course. Like the force, you can't explain how fantasy shit works based on our reality. You gotta write a whole seven book series on it. This is how Westoros works. Doesn't, if you try to apply any of it, it doesn't work. Doesn't, dragons aren't real. You can't like suddenly have dragons going around. Changes everything. You can't suddenly start everything's from scratch being libertarian.

Doesn't work. And I want them to just say, well, let's just scale it back a little bit. Let's scale it back and explain why that's good. But they never do that. They always go like, well, um,, well, the way we would pay for roads and pops like, mother fucker, stop worrying about roads and pipes. So worry about kids getting, parents getting their social services threatened on them because their kid missed one day of school.

That's what we're talking about. They get stumped so fucking easily. That's what drives me. And then they stump each other. It's like they're trying to out-free-do each other. It's like, fuck, man. Same with like environmentalists, right? Nobody wants sludge in their water.

Yeah, but then they're talking about, well, you can't build, you can't expand LAX because there's some snails will get endangered. There's an endangered fucking snail that's gonna get their habitat fucked with. Fuck, shut up. I need LAX a lot more than I need a snail. Same thing, like we get the,

I get the clean water in the clean air part, but fucking calm down. Nobody needs those snails, Fuck them. You know? Nobody needs free market roads. Don't go on TV talking about free market roads. Calm down. Does that make sense? I don't know. It's a driving me nuts recently. Fucking as you know, Canada was on fire, not as long ago. And then Oregon was set on fire. And also, I think California as well, and Eastern Washington is also on fire.

And it just so happens that all the fucking winds have brought all the smoke into Western Washington. So it looks like the fucking apocalypse here. It's like 90 degrees, which is ungodly for people who live close to Seattle. 90 degrees is hellish weather, and I know you guys live for 90 degree weather over there, but it's fucking horrible here. There's no air. All the ash is fucking. There is literally ash falling from the sky as we're speaking. As if Mount St. Owens went off off again except it's really fucking hot. Everything's fucking dusty and even though it's noon the sun looks like it

tons that so everything is just pretty much fucking ending. Me and my buddy are fucking we were digging some dirt and shit you know we're I'm 17 years 19 so we're just trying to get some work done get a little bit of cash you know for that uh... that the for can move and it's

and so fucking stagnant there's so much actually are we are making a panic that's how out over our heads like a taliban trying to fucking breathe so that's what makes me rage fucking pussy states who can't can't just you know our heads like a Taliban trying to fucking breathe. So that's what makes me rage. Fucking

put a few states who can't just, you know, keep the fire. Stop being a fire. You should get a fire. And also, Oregon, and also Eastern Washington. Eastern Washington should really just get a different state from Western Washington because it's totally different. But yeah, that's what makes me rage fucking fires keep your fire to yourself guys. Get the fire to yourself. Keep the fucking fire to yourself. Hmm. Cool looking at it though. Fire. Yeah. Cool. Alright.