The Dick Show - Episode 68 - Dick on Phony Lollers

Episode Date: September 19, 2017

The scourge of phony lollers, real life cupcake wars, sex vs. a hangover, picky garbage men, [e-mail] gets a hit, the slow death, the kid with better stuff than you, Sam Hyde's War on Pornography, several musical tributes to Sean's D, condensation and condescension, organic comedy supplements, Choose Your Own Adventure books, Goss Squad interviews Asterios Kokkinos, Asterios' School of Satire, Denzel makes a girl cry, and Sean doesn't get Family Guy pornography; all that and more this week on the Dick Show!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Welcome to deck you want dig you need dig you love dig is this only show where everything is a contest Hey, hey, it's it's a you know, it's a podcast that's been unbroken too Sean, I don't know if you I don't know if you know that that's a not a lot of podcasts can claim that every week they come out with an episode Oh every week we come out with an episode. I was going to ask. Some other podcasts, oh, some other podcasts, they just can't sink it in all the way. They say, oh, give us a Mulligan episode today. Couldn't, couldn't do it. Couldn't be asked, couldn't be asked to sit down

and front of a microphone in my bedroom with my shirts all over the place and record some, some hot, hot humor for you people. Couldn't do it. You wanna do it? Now you want me to do it? couldn't do it. You want to do it? Now you want me to do it? Couldn't do it. Go buy my book, right?

That's not this show. Every week, Sean, I don't care if I'm sick. I don't care if I'm hungover. I don't care. I don't care what's going on. Every week I will sit in here and record a podcast. That's my vow. Okay.

This is true. It's unbroken. I didn't know what you meant by unbroken. By the way, there's no ads on this show. I can't stress that enough that there's no advertisements on this podcast. Yeah. It's a show where everything is a contest coming to you live from a mountain bunker in the city of failure.

I'm your host, Dick Masterson. With me, it's always a shun. Hello, Dick Masterson, with me as always, is Sean. Hello, Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? God, why do I do this to myself? I'm so hungover, but man, what? I don't know. You were gonna explain how I do this to myself.

I mean, probably, but nobody wants to do that. What's all your mental health? Knowledge, Sean. I'm glad you said knowledge. Because if you had stopped at mental health, I would have argued. No, no, no. I think you know. Yeah, I think you know a lot. Is it good for you?

Knowing a lot and actually being mentally healthy are two entirely different things. Let me tell you from experience. Yeah, yeah, I agree with you. It's good. It's good when you turn that weapon of knowing, the weapon of knowing things in on yourself. Well, that's the idea, right? Yeah. That's the idea, but so many people turn it outwards. Well, yeah, I'm everyone else like, this is what's, this is what you got to do. This is why you're not mentally healthy. Yeah, it's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, doesn't work like that. It's like, yeah, no, you're talking about yourself.

Yeah, yeah. And they don't know it. No. But everyone's always doing it. It's like one of the most common things there is. And this is our generation, this is our curse. Because they didn't like, like, you know, my grandpa, who had the first,

he had the first Ford Model A in his town. Is it right? Yeah, he was a milk delivery. I think he was delivering a little bit more than milk too, if you know what I'm talking about. All right. Oh, lace, that was his name. Oh, lace, with the cloudy socky.

Yeah, we're trying to know we're talking about socky. Oh, yeah, that was before the show, huh? Before the show started. If you want to see the shenanigans before the show started hop over to patreon.com slash the dick show, you can get the live feed for 20 bucks, low low price of 20 bucks. Some people will buck at that, Sean. But keep in mind that $20 is basically just a little bit more than the price of a beer at Dodger Stadium.

Yeah. So, you know, for hours of enjoyment, for hours of enjoyment and bullshit and talking about how unfiltered sake looks like gizz. You're missing these hot-hot conversations that we're having anyway. Yep. Grape A's. First model A in his town, because he was the milk delivery man. He can make his rounds all over towns, you know,

putting down old flames. You know, I'm talking about. Yeah. Hey, ding, ding, ding. Oh, ace man's here. Yeah. Yo, a little guy too. Was he?

A little guy, grandpa's. Yeah. I met him a couple of times. He remembered dude. I was like, you know, but people get smaller as they age. So it's I think he was always a little was it? It's like a he always he always was like, pop eye. Yeah. Cause he had these squinty eyes. Him and my sister have these,

these squinty eyes. Cause they're shifty. You can't see. They hide their motives by quinting all the time. You know, like when you're, you know, when you're, your hung over as I am right now, and wake up and your eyes are like little slits, that's how they are all the time. Yeah. I don't know what it is. It. That's how they are all the time. Yeah. I don't know what it is. There's just in so much pain all the time. Like gritting, they're gritting their eyes. They've grit their teeth so hard that now it's time to grit the eyes. Yeah. Yeah. And then they do it

anymore. Yeah, grit the teeth and they grit the lips and they grit their eyes at you. Then you grit, you got to grit something else. What's after that? Stages of, I don't know, you grit your asshole. I was gonna say, yeah. Then you grit your dick hole. That's how you know you mean business. Yeah, like buddy, I got a gritting my, yeah, I'm gritting my dick hole that you right now. That's how pissed off I am.

Just making any sense. Uh, yeah. Sure. Model A. Model A. First, first model A in town to deliver the milk. You would come out. What is that contraption you've got there? It's a car, motherfucker.

Don't look at it too long. You're gonna take the shine off of it with your fuck squint in your eyes when you're looking at my new car. Squint your dead. Which you say to people. Yeah, squint your dead. Squint your dead while you're looking at my car.

You dumb motherfucker. You dumb mother fucker. You probably don't even know about internal combustion and assembly lines and the American Jew and these type of things that Henry Ford is right well known for. Well known for. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is what that was his book, right? The American Jew was a, was a publication. I think it was a, like a newspaper or a magazine that he wrote for. Well, yeah, it was under the, the Dearborn Press. I don't wanna think he, I regret even saying that.

Yeah, it's a weird thing. Very weird thing. That it exists. Anyway, old grandpa Aces in his Model A, tooling around town. This is. He's got a car. What I'm saying is he's the first one with a car. He's not like obsessing about the self and inwey and existentialism and mental health issues. He's like, motherfucker, I just got a car.

I had to deliver milk on a horse yesterday. And now I just got a car. I had to deliver milk on a horse yesterday. And now I've got a car. I don't have time to be thinking about why I'm doing things. Really different times. Yeah. And our parents are dealing with this guy. Okay, I think I might have these things called fields.

Yeah. Dad, what do you think about that? And he's like, let me tell you about a thing called having the first car. I feel like you should shut up and hop in the car and I feel like you should shut the fuck up, right? So our parents, they're whole lives, they're like, well, gosh, I just have all these thoughts and feelings and I had no guidance on how to how to deal with them, because our parents are talking about great wars. Yeah.

So I guess I'm just gonna think about myself all the time and then we come along or like, hey, I got those two. You guys got any advice on how to deal with those fields? No. Yeah. We don't at all. Right. So bottoms up.

Yeah. Which has been the go-to method for generations. I mean, it really has. I sound like a real miserable fucking. I'm not, but that's life, right? Everybody deals with things in their own way, man. I'll tell you, speaking of dealing with things in their own way, is it just me or is porn the only cure for a hangover? When God and I the only time when I wake like when I wake up with a hangover that could soak a sheep

like when I when I wake up with that hangover that feels like the moon is on top of my head in bed. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, the moon is on top of my head in bed. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. The moon. Yeah. Came down from the heavens and it's just right on my fucking head. Yeah. It's heavy. It's trying to, it's trying to get in my head. Yeah. It's very heavy. Yeah. It's trying to get in there. And the only thing that keeps it away is just like watching pornography. Is that just me?

Well, every time I'm hung over, I think, why is there, like, why don't anybody who's having like a erection dysfunction just be hung over? Just drink a lot and wake up and you are going to want a bang. You got, I got like a Tasmanian devil in my pants when I've got a hangover. Is that just me? No, I, it's weird. Yeah, it's weird.

Yeah, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, come on. Don't you feel it's getting going? But don't you feel worse after you're done watching porn? Yeah, but then I got over to your life. Yeah. Yeah. Immediately, you want to die, right? Yeah, I guess it would, yeah. All right. Oh, you're it. That's your that's the cure for hangovers. Just edging

Working yourself up till you write about to unload it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,'t think so. It's like those, those baser desires, they're just well, whatever. The taste of liquor is on my lips, and I feel like a new man. Yeah. I'm totally cured. Somebody cupcakeed my truck this week. The hell's that? They threw a cupcake at my car.

Ha, ha, ha. I thought that was some weird, you know, like term I was not aware of. You know what else I need to do? I need to cupcake my car. You know what else? I need during a hangover. It was where I was frosting all over.

Like somebody, like, no, what? There was frosting all over. They threw a cupcake at your car. Yeah, at the fucking gym. I parked on the street because the parking lot was full and I thought, oh, nothing parking lots full. No big deal. I'll just park on the street.

Was like outside smashed into it? Or was it was like a splat on the back window and then a cupcake sitting in the bed. Oh, pretty funny. That's the fuck is, that's something that we would have done. I know, I get it. You know, my first instinct is to go like, oh, long order, that's these fucking kids

with then I think, huh? Uh, I remember throwing paintballs at a guy bicycling down the street. Oh yeah. So, shit. That's all right. Throwing rocks at a train or, you know, throwing a, but this is a man's car.

You know, fuck trains. Fuck the government. Yeah. Everybody should just throw shit at government at post office guys. Yeah, right? She's saying, peltum, yeah, don't take your cupcakes out on me, man. I was so pissed, but then I was trying to just laugh at it. Like, well, perfectly good cupcake, too. You know, that's the

things with, that's the thing with cupcakes. Is that people give them to you, but you can't eat. What are you gonna do? Eat 12 cupcakes? Eat set, like it's like a, it's like a, it's a terrible thing to do, to give someone a huge tray of frosty treats.

Because you were just making them, it's like what if there was a thing that just made someone stupid that you could give them? Like here you go, here's a thing to make you a big fat ass. Here you go. Just sit here and eat these cupcakes, all of them. So part of me was like, yeah, you know, good for you guys. Throw those cupcakes.

Yeah, but did you have to have such a good aim? It's like a big splatter mark on my fucking car. What color was it? White, white. I think it was red velvet. It was red velvet. Yeah. The trendiest of all cupcakes.

They're good though. They are good. Cupcakes are good. They are, they can be. They're vanilla and they're an interesting color. Well, they're chocolate really. They're chocolate? Well, it's, they're chocolate vanilla.

No, they're supposed to have cream cheese frosting. They're, they're, they're chocolate with a little vinegar in there to make it. Oh. Let me, we can taste a little different. Okay, let me get, let me get to something that makes me rich. Uh, 200 tickets sold. There. L.A. road range.

There's not a lot left. Maybe 40 left or something like that. Cool. God, I was with Diego. I felt like such an ass. Should I get to answer him? Yeah, he's always like setting up the show. He's doing a lot of stuff to set up the show.

And my response rate is atrocious. Oh, mine too. Sorry. Like always. But he's, he's, he's to help us set up a great show. He's also setting up Chicago. I know he's got a whole list. He does with dates. It's like he's a fucking professional at this. God damn. Somebody needs to be if you're waiting to buy tickets for L.A. Do it now because there's not a lot left at 200. I want to try to keep them small like 200. Yeah. From now on. You know, like a tight, a tight experience. Yeah. Yeah. I feel it. Philly was a lot of fun. A lot of fun. And it was huge. I think

we learned a bunch of stuff too. Did we? Who knows? I guess why I guess L.A. will show. L.A. will show. L.A. will tell them. Let's see. I think Sam Hyde's calling in. I know Stereo's has some beats, has some bits that he submitted. I'll tell you what makes me rage this week though. Phony, phony lowlers. Oh, phony lowlers. Sean. Okay.

Lowell. Yeah. If you heard of Lowell. Yes. LOL. Laughing. I'm laughing. I'm laughing out loud.

I've become so, I'm so, I've, my brain is short circuiting and I'm laughing out loud at the hysterical thing that I'm seeing. So that's what it's meant to say. Low, low, this is so funny to me that my body, my body is expressing joy. Joy. I'm laughing out loud. What a tremendous thing you've done. But, and it's great. Great is feeling in the world.

Great is feeling in the world. Somebody just says, LOL, text you. LOL, and you think, oh man, great. I made their day a little brighter. Made their day look, because you can't buy that. You can't buy a LOL. Yeah. You got a movie? Was it any good?

I asked my sister, I don't know, she saw Ted, that teddy bear movie, Teddy Ruckspin movie, but it's Cras, the Cras, Teddy Ruckspin. Right. That's the log line of Ted. Cras, Teddy Ruckspin,, but it's crass. The crass Teddy Ruckspin. Right. That's the log line of Ted. Crass Teddy Ruckspin, I said, how was that movie? It's good, but I didn't lol. It's not good then.

No. You know, then it's just a thing. But a lol, that's what it's a special thing. Cause you can't explain it, you can't buy it, you can't replicate it, it's a lull. But there are people using lulls for evil, Sean. Cheapening, cheapening. Lulls, they use it for sarcasm.

These people know. Oh, what you're, they say they get on your, your Twitter and your comments, what you're doing is, I see what you're doing, lol. Like, you son of a bitch. Were you really laughing? Were you really laughing out loud at how, at how hysterically sarcastic you are? Mm-hmm.

Is that what you're doing? Should be ashamed of yourself, Fanny Lollars. Mm-hmm. But you had to type it out. You had to type L-O-L. You knew what you were doing. You knew what you were doing. You knew that you were taking something good

and using it for evil. Isn't that what we do with everything though? Yeah. We've got to constantly be creating good things because people will turn them and twist them to evil. We took the croissant and made it the croissant, which, yeah. And now I can't even look at a croissant without being disgusted.

You're right. We did. Yeah. Fucked it all up. We fucked it all up. Yeah. We took something simple like pumpkin spice and just shoved it all up. We fucked it all up. We took something simple like pumpkin spice and just shoved it in everything.

Shuffed it in everything. Yeah. Buy a shirt this fall. It's a pumpkin spice shirt. Yeah, no deodorant necessary. Yeah, pumpkin spice deodorant. Axe body spray, pumpkin spice edition. Bitches will, chicks will be all over you.

Right. With our pumpkins, moms,, chicks will be all over you. Right. With our pumpkins, moms, soccer moms will be swarming you to just sniff your pumpkin spice axe body spray. Yep. Cause they gain weight every time they inhale. Yeah. Pumpkin, it is pumpkin spice season. I wish there was something, like,

I wish there was something like pumpkin spice for me to get so excited about. But there's nothing. There's no, they took. As he holds an IPA in his life. This is how, like, I wish there was something that was not liquor for me to get so excited about, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Well, but there isn't. Is that me? It's just that there's nothing, man. I remember being a kid in school. It's not just you. I remember being a kid in school, looking forward to summer. Yeah.

Just because it was different and it was a break and I remember, I remember the feeling so fucking clearly when I realized that this was only temporary and that soon all of life would just be a homogenite like every day would be exactly the fucking saying. Yeah. There would be no summer, there'd be no forced activities, there'd be no, like, oh, we're looking, even the test in school, they were miserable, but it was like something to look forward to.

Your day. Something to prepare for. Yeah, because not every school day was the same. Not even, and sometimes they would be a fire drill. Oh my God, we're gonna see all the people in different classes. Sometimes there'd be a fire. Oh, God forbid.

God forbid there would be a fire. Then there was a fire drill that was not a drill. Oh, how exciting would that be? Yeah. I'm going to my high school reunion next weekend. Is that right? Yeah. I wasn't gonna go, but then I thought,

I'll be good for the show. Yeah, true. Are you going with Mr. Fancy pants? Yeah. Oh, that'll be fun. Oh yeah. I'll try to get that guy to come in afterwards too. He's funny.

Good idea. Yeah, I remember when I remember the realization that life was not like school, and I don't think I ever recovered from that. Yeah. It's like a different kind of puberty. Like you got the puberty when your ball hairs grow in, but then you got that other compute, other puberty of the mind when you realize that it's just all,

it's all a big fucking joke. Yeah. What was I talking about? Pumpkin spice. Yeah, pumpkin spice. There's nothing for you to get that excited about as soccer moms enjoy pumpkin spice. Yeah. And everybody's, everybody's trying to get that back. Everybody's trying to get back. Everybody is racing back to the time when they were just, when there was a standardized test. That's all we need. Just trying to grant that feeling over again

of having a standardized test to prepare for. Who's exciting stuff happening? Who's always exciting stuff happening when you're a kid. And then there just isn't. Mm-hmm. No pumpkin spice for me. I guess new Bojack Horseman seasons are the white privilege, 30 somethings existentialist pumpkin spice.

I've never seen that show. You should, it's great. Really? Yeah, it's good show. It's funny. Cool. Uh, phony lollers though. Oh yeah.

Well, cheap and slow. It's wrong what they're doing. It's wrong what they're doing. It's wrong what they're doing. And they should feel bad. If you, and I do it, I do it. I'll be the, I'll be, I'll, I'll say that I do do it. I have done it.

What you're saying, it says, that's level of sarcasm. So you're, you're so ugly. But your main point is phony lollers who use it sarcastically. Yeah. How about people who aren't actually laughing out loud? Do you get that pedantic with it? You know what, that's a hard thing too. Because sometimes you wanna tell somebody

that what they said was funny. It was funny. But it's like a ha ha seems kind of sending. Because there's not enough ha's. A ha, a ha is definitely fuck you. What about ha with an exclamation point? But come on, who really feels Ha Ha with an exclamation point? What do you, I don't even know what that feeling looks like.

Okay. And you gotta say, I'm trying to give options. You gotta say low, but it's, yeah, that's bad too. Yeah, that's bad too. Yeah. But not as bad as it's a retrenching. But not as bad as the sarcastic lowlers Those people have I've been saying low wrong like I always say law

Law yeah, like LOL. I just law like is that not is it low with a long oh long vowel? I Don't know I think so LOL You probably I mean over the time would say one of us is more I don't think it's meant to be I don't think it I think so. LOL. You probably. I mean, over the time, I would say one of us is more than I think it's meant to be. I don't think it's meant to be pronounced. Well, that's the thing. Yeah, I'm sure that's true too. Yeah.

Let's see. What else do I got here? Garbage men not picking up boxes. You know how fucking finicky garbage men are? Garbage men, when they come to pick up your trash trash they become the hottest girl on Tinder. Yeah, right? You know, oh Is that that thing that box you have there that's touching the garbage and it looks like refuse? Well No, I'm swiping left on that. Yeah, because it's not exactly

100% in the fucking garbage can. Yes I don't know. Maybe it's just I don't think it's just LA. No. That that happens, though. Come on garbage, man. Help us out. Otherwise, what? Like, what is your purpose for doing what you're doing?

Just grab it. Doesn't that get a call the city? Oh, hey, where do I go to drop off? Where do I go to drop off garbage Where do I go to drop off garbage that doesn't exactly fit in my garbage can? Because of the automated arms and things on the newer garbage trucks, I don't think they get out of the truck anymore.

What, really? Garbage men. Sometimes I've seen them come by, they used to do a lot of work from home. Yeah. And you'd hear the, you know, it would usually, well, the sound of the truck would, would clue me in that I had forgotten

to run the garbage out of it. Yeah, me too. So I'm running every time. Yeah, luckily he goes down the other side of the street first. So then I go, and you'll watch him, and there's, they can't send a text. They can send you a text if a dad tried to take his kid back. Yeah, for a month.

For a month. They can take a text everybody in the goddamn world, but hey, pick up your, hey, trash is coming tomorrow. No, not possible. Not fucking possible. I've seen them push, I have seen them push garbage cans like into cars with that arm and then pick it up.

It's, they'll never go out. If they don't get it with the truck, they're like, ah, fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Oh, man. Also, it's a technology it with the truck. They're like, ah, fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Oh, man. Also, it's a technology problem you're saying. I just think they just, I don't think they're,

I don't think they get out of the truck. I don't think they're allowed to get out of the truck. I think they're like a teamster. It's a truck that you put garbage in. And yet, every even in the, you know, I am a new, I am new to this whole thing of living in a house versus living in a house versus living in a cubicle of death,

like living in a mausoleum of misery, in the big city, right? This is all new to me. And the idea that garbage men are so fucking picky about picking up a box that I have to gift wrap garbage for these assholes to pick up, like, are they confused? about picking up a box that I have to gift wrap garbage for these assholes to pick up. Like, are they, do they, are they confused? Is it like, is it like a color war situation where the garbage men don't wanna encroach

on the recycling men's turf? And they, like, they're fighting over this box that's sitting in between the units? What do I have to do? If I tied a rope to the rope to the box and then tied it to a piece of trash in the garbage can, will that get it picked up? You're probably not making big enough like a union contributions. Right. Yeah. All I know is that it's not a certainty. If I were to just put garbage in the street

in the garbage area, where the garbage men come to take it away, it's not a certainty whether it leaves my house or not. It's true. Which is what I'm fucking paying for. I got a, then I got to get involved and start calling numbers. Hey, I got a bunch of garbage.

What can I, what should I do with it? Oh, well, a lot of options. You can, you can take it to a garbage center and drive it. What, why don't you guys do this? What if there were people to come pick up garbage and they do this on a regular basis? Well, I've wasted the, I've wasted the hour of, I've, I've wasted the singular hour of productivity that I actually have in the day talking to your ass, right? I'm just gonna, time to go to bed. Yep. I'm just gonna pretend to work on the internet for the rest of the day. Hope tomorrow's better.

Hope tomorrow turns out better. That's every fucking day. I hope tomorrow turns out better. Well, I tried to call a bunch of people about garbage today, but it didn't work. Well, I fully intended to replace the battery on the smoke detector today, but it didn't work. Well, I fully intended to replace the battery on the smoke detector today, so it didn't beep at intervals that are long enough for me to be annoyed and then forget that my intention was to get up

right after I sent this email to replace the fucking battery in the smoke detector. Maybe tomorrow be a better day. Maybe tomorrow I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll rip it off the ceiling, or maybe I'll rip it off the ceiling, or maybe I'll just fucking burn to death. Feels good though.

Burning to death? Yeah, I imagine so, but ripping the smoke alarm off the ceiling. God, it does. Cause it's real cheap, shitty plastic. Big spiked that fucking thing right into the ground. I do, I've got one ripped off right now. Let's see what else, you know what else makes me rage? Condensation.

Oh, okay. Sean. That's a good one actually. Yeah. You're condensing right now. Yeah. A bunch of either, I don't know what's, I don't know what's leaving me, either liquor or humanities soaking through my body.

Well, that's in the nucleus of the liquor. Humanity? Yeah, that's coming out in the nucleus of the of the liquor humanity. Yeah. It's coming out to condensation. Yeah. You know what condensation is? I mean, to read you a Wikipedia go for it. I don't know.

It'll take me back to taking back the other show. Man, I had I had I I fucking stumbled in I stumbled into a quick sand of art of spaghetti. Oh, yeah. This week. Uh huh. I thought I was sheriff of Coolville, but I stumbled into a quick sand of spaghetti this week. I thought I was sheriff of cool veil, but I walked into a spaghetti, I walked into spaghetti, really? Yeah, I made a big mistake this week. Maybe I should tell you about it later after I talk about condensation. Okay. No, it's more interesting, right? So I was just, I was tweeting at this guy online, this guy Destiny, he's some Twitch streamer.

Okay. You remember Mr. Metaker was on the show? Yeah. He posted a video about this guy Destiny, this supposedly big time Twitch streamer who has debates on the show. And I've seen a little bit of his debates because people were talking about it, so I clicked on the link.

It's like, okay, what's this about? A couple people have sent it, so what's this about? I click on it and it's like the most painful, disingenuous version of arguing I've ever heard. It brought me back to the old show where it's like people who are, people who purposefully don't understand what you're talking about and misrepresent what you're talking about. To a degree that's just aggravating. And I think what is the point of this? Like what are you, what are you, what are you doing?

Do you not, like there's, there's always two ways you can go, right? When you're talking to somebody, you can either try to understand their point or you can just try to undermine, try to undermine the way that they're making it. Well, that's the, that's politics 101 right there. The, the latter, right? Which is terrible. Yeah. And it just, it makes all of us hate each other

to such an incredible degree that esteriosis in here talking about putting tits in the military. And we're fighting like this is like this matters. Yeah. And it doesn't. And it's like, it's everything, man. I go to look up stuff to talk about for the show. And I like, I'll go to a news site. And it's just hateful, hateful, hateful. Hey, like,

back when I was talking about my grandpa, right? Back in his time, there's only, there's a finite amount of things to get outraged about. Because it's just stuff that's happening in your town. Yeah. But now it's like, you have to, you are forced to suffer through what's terrible in every town, in the world. In the world, in the you, like, as the, in the white world, because obviously, obviously,

we're not reading stories about what's going on in Africa, right? Of course not. Not unless it peaks my interest. No, nobody's reading it, right? Of course not. Not unless it peaks my interest. No, nobody's really, right? That's fair to say. But it's this, this, this, this arguing style where people are veering right into, oh, I'm going to just pick apart the way you're making points instead of, oh, I could, yeah, I guess I could see what you're saying, you know, obviously there, yeah, I guess I could see what you're saying.

You know, obviously there's some, yeah, I could see what you're saying. And it's so, it's so goddamn aggravating. And everybody can recognize it immediately. You know, like, they joke about it. Actually, like there's a joke, or like if you say, actually, you're probably doing it. You know, of course, you're not always doing it. Okay. That's the joke. Yeah.

So I was making fun of this guy on Twitter. Yeah. Said, hey, yeah, this, this is what you do. Like you're a disingen, you, you misrepresent what people say and you're a disingenuous piece of shit. Isn't that, is that what a straw man argument is? It's when you, you misrepresent what somebody's saying and then, or you argue against a point

that they're not actually making. Yeah. I think that's what it is. Well, you think, yeah, you think this, and I'm gonna argue this, but it's like, that's not what they were saying. So, you do a quick pivot, right? You know what?

What you're saying makes me think that these like, like everybody can say racism is bad. Yeah. Yeah. Like even if people are or it or not, it's like yeah, it's generally bad for people to feel that way. You know, like it's sure, it's built into our, like the way we think about things and it's, it's like, it's based on biology because we have like a tribe mentality and we're like prone to generalizations. Yeah, well, you fear what's not like you. It's a thing it's on a base level. This is different, I'm wary of it.

Yeah, so we all understand the where it comes from, but we've decided that it's not good. Yeah, well, because you don't wanna put people through that, right? Just on the studies that I've read, it's if you get people together, people are initially wary of each other, you get them together especially as young people, and that goes away fairly quickly.

What do you mean? As far as like, oh, like you're a person, I'm a person, the difference is you stop seeing or feeling the differences as much as if you have no exposure to that other group. Yeah, that's what American History X taught us. Yeah. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, you gotta go to prison, get raped in the ass. And then you find out that racism. Then you find out the real, that the black guy doing laundry with you is is another human being the real enemy is capitalism Okay, right. Yeah in that movie so that was a bomb. Oh Cuz it was the drug business. Oh Well was he did he become Disenfranchised also yeah, cuz they were working with the Mexicans

Well, and that's a real like you know like Aryan brotherhood is I think they're with they're aligned with the Mexicans. Well, and that's a real like, you know, like Aryan Brotherhood is, I think they're with, they're aligned with the Southern Mexicans in prison. Yeah, they gotta be selling drugs. That's right. That's right. Anyway, what was I talking about? Sorry, anyway, you were talking. I always used to use that movie,

like I would call into these shows when men and men are better than women first came out. I would call into radio shows and they'd always talk about like, oh, sexism and misogyny, and this is one of my talking points on the shows was like, yeah, well, you know, racism goes away when you are exposed to like when you kind of get to know

that people erase this against sexism isn't. It's like, it's made much, much worse. It's pretty funny, right? Like how do you hear racism? You know, go meet some people that you're so great and you'll find out that you have a lot in common with them. How do you hear sexism?

Don't hang out with women. No, it's funny. The people I know who are the most afraid of being sexist are the ones who never hang around with women. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha used for right right that's why i'm bomb doing my part to fight the good fighting no i think this is same hide could this be all the oh shit we got to get back to that story though no yeah hey is this same hide hey have i reached the right is this plan parenthood yeah defunded yeah this is plan parenthood get your abortion

something else maybe is you need removed sir listen do you do listen do you do same day aids testing this is really important uh... uh... yeah we yeah yes the answer is always yes because i need because i need to know my results asap i can't explain why but i need to get them today bring that monkey over here we'll fix them right up all right

hey sam how are you doing man uh... doing the excellent which people uh... people didn't believe uh... i can't even uh... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha very much. And thank you to whoever it is that's keeping the price of crypto currencies propped up. Are you a big investor in cryptocurrencies? I mean, I'm having a good time. But no, I've been working super hard, man. I've been, I rented an office. We got a 3000 square foot office. I got two full-time employees, I got an animator and a graphic designer who are working there like over 10 hours a day now when we're really, we're really hauling ass and I'm doing a little video game with Andrew Rooz, the guy that directed our show, so we got a video game coming out.

What's your video game project? It's it's this short story that I wrote this choose your own adventure called another day in hell which is kind of a not not the greatest title but we might we might title it something different for the game release. But um wait what's it about man I love those like i've never felt pleasure reading like i have on a choose your own adventure book it's uh... you have a do you have a copy of our book no uh... fuck i should have sent you one bomb the u.s. government

was that what's called uh... because the the stories in there it's a post-apocalyptic uh... choose your adventure but the twist is that it's got some sort of perverse black humor so for example uh... you're trying to evade the coppers who are not they're not cops there just another gang that found a cash of surplus police equipment so they're sort of slightly better equipped in the

other gangs are okay but they call themselves the coppers and they put people in uh... prison prison barrels Which is just where they put you in a barrel and seal it shut and that's the that's the prison And you live out the rest of your life in a barrel and there are many there are many scenes and there are many scenes and motifs concerning testicle torture Like scenes and motifs concerning testicle torture.

This is a choose your own adventure with testicle torture. Yeah, yeah, and that's always where it ends up. Yeah. The character that you play as like the guy that you're the guy that you're experiencing the story through. He's like a complete fucking loser. Like he does nothing. He like hides in sewage pipes. Like that's one of his skills is that he

likes to dive into sewer pipes and hide in them okay he has like Mario he has no abilities no no equipment no nothing except he's he's he's he's really good at with standing testicle torture and also dishing out testicle torture takes one to know, I mean. And for the game to be able to go on steam and the Android app store and stuff, we're changing it from testicle torture to crystal arts. That's the name of the skill tree is crystal art. Why crystal arts? Well, in the artwork, in the artwork for the,

because it's gonna be illustrated, you're just gonna see guys squeezing giant crystals, like ringing out crystals with their hands and stomping on them, and another guy, like two feet away, in terrible pain. So you'll get what it is, but it's still PG rated. So this is out my balls, the game. Kind of. No, it's actually, it's not entirely centered on testicle torture. That's only

one of the, one of the highlights of many facets of this. Yeah. And you're coming in that way. What's the what's the name of that that game? Don't know yet and we might we might release it suit on us lead to to avoid of try to attempt to avoid controversy at first. Oh, good.

I still haven't picked that a title because they're after us. Hmm. Yeah, well, we've got both. I don't know if the if if the SJWs are in it's steam yet, but they might be. They will be soon.

Yeah, and you got a, you got a, like a, a nutritional supplement too, now, right? We got we got Avacus pills. That's it. The Avacus pills is a company. we got avocates pills ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha eat that every day. The bug man's soy drink. Yeah, if you want to grow ovaries, I think you could definitely just eat that. Yeah. I do.

A little bit ask it. I want to grow, I want to do my part, like all the men going their own way. They should be eating as much soy as possible, because then they can, then they can be their own baby incubators. That's the future, Sean. Everybody's just completely separated. Men having their own babies and pregnant themselves, women doing the same thing, like a petriogenesis kind of set up, living, and then if they have, you just throw it, you throw it to the other

side. Yeah, yeah, take care of this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is it. That sounds like utopia right there. I can't imagine a society that's better than that right there. Yeah. I mean society that's better than that right there and and he isn't that like if if everybody on earth had to decide if they want to live in this one or that one how many people do you think would pick that one

probably a lot probably a lot probably all the people that we don't want in this one right and true very true anyway have have you been doing, man? What's going to going on with the Dick Masterson whole thing? Good. We got a live show in LA.

Let's come in. Yeah. Yeah. That's going to be in front of an audience. Yeah. Yeah. We do these, we do live shows now. Well, that's exciting. The drunkest people in the world to show up and do the show in front of them. Is the crowd receptive? Like I'm surprised there's enough people at LA

that are down with what you do. I mean, you know, like LA has a bad rap because all of the people who want attention and who are complete, like people come here who want attention and use the most despicable means to get it. They're all in LA. But there's a whole, there's like 20 million people here who are just regular dudes who are not like

who aren't the embodiment of TMZ. You know, there's a lot of guys in LA who don't have a fucking Instagram, right? Yeah. Like, just because they're living here doesn't mean they just buy in to the LA thing. It's just that there's so many people who are screaming LA as loud as they can. Well, there's an expression that says the most normal person you know in LA is the one

from LA. Yeah, because they just had the misfortune of being born here. Yeah. Eat. Well, I guess the shit rises to the top and in all circumstances. Yeah, it does. Hey, man, what makes you a rage?

What makes me rage? Yeah. My upcoming supplement, bug sports, Sam Hyde, Mad Lion, anti-gravity rage. What is that? Could you spell it? The graphic on the bottle is going to be me with a lion's mane glued to my neck brace and then a leash going from the neck brace to the owner's hand, which is also me, and

it's basically a bodybuilding supplement that's gonna get you jacked do you do it do you take this supplement uh... no but many many people hopefully will they will reap the benefits they will reap the rewards the same i'd supplement phenomenal i do take abac

do you do a comedy supplement. You should make a supplement that just makes people phony here. I mean, we could work on that. That would be something like, I don't know, that would probably involve a lot of weird ingredients though. I'm not sure which stuff. Yeah, yeah.

No matter how that would, how to do that. You'd do the first. You'd be in there. We'll see, I'd probably take it myself and get my show back. Oh Man, that's brutal Nah It's I'm excited because I think I'm pretty sure that we're gonna I'm gonna self fund world peace season two I

Have I have enough money to do it. I just don't have the time right now And I think I think it's got to be done. I think world peace season two has got to happen. Yeah, you got to do it You really you got to you got to you got to fucking do it. You got to execute I'm gonna I'll do that within the next three years. It'll be it'll be a real thing. All right. Don't be like me I opened up a book I'm like I want to write a second book or I want to publish a second book and I opened it up in the day. It said last modified like 2014. I'm going to come on, dude. You can't get a shit together.

I have a guy dozens of projects like that. I'm pretty sure that's how long it takes me to ship t-shirts about three years. Yeah. I got that one. It's a creative process. You got to put a-shirts about three years. Yeah. I got that one there. It's a creative process. You got to put a lot of stuff on the back burner, I think. It's just how it is. Yeah.

You know? Well, I'm excited to try these supplements you got. Try the abacus pills. Did you get those in the mail? I got them. Yeah. Because those are actually, those actually are good. I like, I'm not going to grow tits. No, you those are actually those actually are good. I like I'm not gonna grow tits

No, you're not gonna grow tits. It's it's caffeine. It's some B12 and then two other things I forgot what they are, but it definitely works. Oh, it's caffeine Yeah, that's all I need yeah, yeah, it's cuz I don't I get I get Heartburn easily somewhat baby. I'm a little bit. I got a baby tummy So I can't I can't be slugging down energy drinks and coffee all the time. Hey, what do you think of pumpkin spice? I love it and I want some. Good answer.

Fall is here. Fall is here. Is he listening? Yeah. I think everyone, and it's like a pure, like it's like a pure, it's like a childlike joy,

a childlike embracement of pumpkin spice that they get to have. It's like the joy of a child that I wish I had. I don't wanna be cynical. I don't wanna be the guy that's like, oh, pumpkin spice is everywhere. I wanna buy, I wanna drink the punch, I wanna enjoy what normies enjoy,

I wanna feel that innocence. I really love pumpkin spice. Yeah. It goes good with a tea watching TV. I'm just so jealous. Yeah. I've got to get yourself sort of a partial lobotomy, a temporary partial lobotomy. Is that it? Like, do you think that's it? Put some, Put some electrodes on your head or whatever you got to do, to sort of dumb yourself down and get on the pumpkin spice train. Yeah. Hey, I didn't ask you last time. Are you a titser and ass man?

Ass man. You're an ass man, really. I like tits. The thing about tits though is that uh most girls have disgusting tits haha so I would I would you think most girls have a great ass man I'm most I don't know if I have a good ass and I actually work out I don't

like go yeah most girls most girls at the very least have an acceptable ass most girls they their tits look like uh... like fucking uh... two big bags of cottage cheese they don't look right they're something fucked up about the they have the thing that bugs me oh my god man is the uneven tits

well they're all uneven uh... nasty no uh... nasty uh... ones bigger than the other that's that's what i expected a different you know the appreciation of uh... of asian art where symmetry

you uh... what's the what's the no you're symmetry uh... you must appreciate the symmetrical uh... like now i'm gonna this is the situation where symmetry is important Yeah, it's gonna be symmetrical. Well, there is like it's there's like a level of asymmetry. That's okay But every once in a while I was like whoa, where's the other one? Yeah, yeah And then you try to skip you try to like maneuver them in a way where you like the other one just kind of Yeah, the one just kind of hangs off and you can ignore that because that you're touching that one Yeah, like stick the good one you have like you have to invent moves sexual positions for every girl to showcase the good

Hit but they don't know that you know, they don't they don't they don't know these because they should know this already Right like they should know which one is the good one Go ahead this girlfriend. It was this girlfriend. It was so distracting. I would make her wear a t-shirt when we fucked What was so distracting? That's like go put on a t-shirt, honey. We got it. We're gonna have sex now size difference What's that it was not the size difference was so fucked. It was like fucking, it was like two cartoon characters on our chest. Yeah, you know, I'm a I'm a big Lucy wild fan. Everyone knows that, but she retired. So I've been trying to replace her.

And it's it's hard. It's hard. The big, the big boob, big boob porn stars are hard to find because some of them, that size difference, man, it's very distracting. And it puts you in a mood where you're thinking like, what, you know, so what am I, it makes you a question too much what you're looking at. And like the moves, like, it, like, deletes the abstraction of I'm looking at boob. You're like, oh, fuck, now I'm just looking at like like the moves like it like deletes the abstraction of I'm looking at boob

you're like to out of it. Oh fuck now I'm just looking at like appendages. Now it's not now it's not sexy anymore. That makes sense. Yeah. That would be very that is very distracting. We're making a lot of sense today. But try not to you shouldn't watch porn though. Porn's really bad for you man. You you got to kick that habit. Oh really? Yeah, no, it's not good man. Why? Just cause it fucks your brain up. Well, I mean, you know, fucks my brain up for what though? Like I'm not like a brain to Catholic.

What am I training? What do I needs my brain up? Well, just Google your brain on porn. Yeah. Google that if you want to learn more, I'm not really well versed. It's like a picture of a frying egg in a pan. It's a big, it's a big, big, mega-tow thing. And my mega-tow communities, it's something that I just talked about.

You don't look at porn? I really don't. I have very, very rarely. Yeah. What about in your mind? Do you picture sexual things? In my mind is like nonstop lobster tube all the time. What's that?

What's lobster tube? That's like a red tube. It's one of those tube sites. Oh, so porn? Yeah, nonstop. Well, then that's the same as looking at porn. Say, I'm, what do you mean, don't look at porn. I can picture like every time they say, don't look at porn because it fucks up your standard

of beauty. I'm like, bitch, I can picture exactly what I'm, like what I'm looking at is just a lazy version of me picturing it. What do you mean don't look at porn? I'm picturing, porn every time I see anything I'm picturing tits on it. I'm seeing a woman like, I'm picturing port every time I see anything I'm picturing tits on it I'm seeing a woman like I'm picturing bigger tits I'm looking at my fucking car I'm picturing tits on it you think porn is gonna distort my reality my reality is so fucking can't even conceive of it I like that I'm giving you advice and I have I personally have a

giving you advice and I have uh... I personally have uh... fantasies about ten times a day about uh... raping so quick with a glass bottle okay we have no i'm telling you what to do i have a google search alright yeah i've got to go google search that all right get out of here and

uh... i'm uh... i want to take these supplements but you got to do like a comedy supplement take the abacus pills and i'm going to come out with the the comedy supplement next hey where do you live uh... fall river massachusetts comedy supplement. Take the abacus pills and I'm going to come out with the comedy supplement next. Hey, where do you live? Fall river or Massachusetts. All right, so if we did a show on Boston, would you come on that show? Hell yeah. Oh yeah, man. All right, I'm going to start setting that up right away. Cool. All right, dude. So, I'm in your book. I like to choose your own adventures. Cool. Alright, dude. Alright, dude.

Some of your book. I like to choose your own adventures. Okay, well, alright. Peace, man. Peace. Bye. Choose your own adventures. It's really like every book should be a choose your own adventure. Even if it's a math book, like two plus two equals question mark. Yeah.

Do you think it equals four? Or do you think it equals four? Or do you think it equals two? Turn to that page. Yeah. Right? Sure. We have that technology. Oh, we do.

Like even historical bios. And now? Yeah. Like what do you, those could be fun. Walk through, walk through like the, walk through the decisions that people made. Even though we know them in advance,

we would still make them. Oh yeah, right? Like what would you do? What would you do in this case? Should you bomb a Vietnam or not? Every bomb Vietnam? Like yeah, bitch, that's what we did. Like don't do that.

But still, it would make it more interesting. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Condensation, Sean. Condensation. Condensation. It will embarrass you every time. No. I was at my brother-in-law's house,

drank and having some old, having some Manhattan's. Okay. That guy's the, he's, he's got it all figured out my brother-in-law. You start with a drink that takes preparation to make, and then you've immediately devolve into just liquor. But you have that first drink to keep you honest.

Okay. Right? So he puts it in these, he puts it in these Yeti cups. And at first, I think, this fucking richy rich over here with his fancy shit. He's always got fancy shit, you know. He's always got better stuff than me. Yeah. My brother-in-law is, you know, when you're a kid, and there's a kid on your street that just always has better stuff than you, like his dad owns a dealer's ship. Trying to think of that kid. Maybe you were that

fucking kid probably. I wasn't that kid. There's always that kid that's just like that kid that had a neo geo. You know, like how the fuck, how did you convince your parents? I got to chisel my parents for months to get one Ninja Turtles action figure. How the fuck did you get a neo geo dude? A $600. It's $120 a game. How the fuck did you get a Neo Geo dude? A $600. It's $120 a game. How the fuck did you convince your parents to do this? They're divorced. Doc, that's the answer.

There you go, that's the answer. There you go. But there's always that kid that's got better stuff to you. Maybe they're not always divorced, but there's always a kid that's got better stuff to you. Even if he's still coming out ahead of you. He's still coming out ahead. Even if your parents are divorced and you don't have good shit, there's always that fucking that's got better stuff than you. That's fair to force. He's still coming out ahead. He's still coming out ahead. Even if your parents are divorced,

then you don't have good shit. There's always that fucking kid on every block, every fucking block. And then you finally, like, always got roller blades. Man, maybe if I scrimp and save and take all this charity money that my parents give me for whatever, maybe I could have, maybe I could have roller blades.

And then you get them and it's like, oh, this fucking guy now. He's got a roller blade suit Now he's got shot now. He's got elbow roller blades and he's doing she's like fuck man. Oh Why does what how did you do this? How did you do this? You know that kid no actually I do who's that kid for you? I do I just a neighborhood kid What did he have that was better than yours? Well, the roller blades thing got it. It's like, I always the first one to have roller blades. First one to have the latest gaming system.

Yeah, I can remember. I can remember. I can remember. If you had a neo geo as a kid, that's the privilege. Neo geo privilege. Yeah, I don't know if even, I don't know if I knew anyone who had one of those. I did. Yeah. And the games were if even, I don't know if I knew anyone who had one of those. I did.

Yeah. And the games were great. They were as great as you. It was, and I sat down to play his Neo Geo for the first time. And I was like, oh my God, I can't even, I'm not prepared for this. It's like seeing God that Neo Geo as a kid. I don't know anything about that system. Well, it was just better than everything. And it was very expensive. God, and it was, and it was, it was, it was just a simple baseball

game we played. Really? Yeah. And you know what the thing about the Neo Geo? It didn't try to sell you on its games. It just they had made up names in this baseball game. Nothing fancy. It was just a good game. Yeah, anyway. Anyway, that's my brother-in-law. Always better, always better stuff than me. And like even now, I think, how are you able to do this?

Why does your house look so much better than mine? Why does everything that you have and do? Look, like now I think, well fuck, like was that the thing as kids? That guy's parents were just like this, like they have this ability to make everything good and I don't. Yeah. Yeah. It's gotta be, yes. Everything's always so clean and nice. It's like, oh, let's go out into the garage. There's all these beautiful cabinets and like surface areas.

And I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm here. If I have a cup with something, I don't even have anything to put it on. Cause I don't know how to, I don't even know how to get a fucking shelf up in my own house. He's got shelves galore, 10,000 shelves. Grip like that. Me nothing, totally unable to do that.

But he's got these Yeti cups that he puts the drink in. What's a Yeti cup? It's like a fancy pants cup, like a dual walled cup. Oh, oh, oh, oh, to keep things cold. Yes, but it also, there's no condensation that comes out of it. Yes, okay, I don't want to worry about that.

But you put it in, I've got this, I mean, I've, everything, every cup that I use, as I fill it up now, I kinda, I look at it and say, I'm looking at it right now and it's, and it's just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, I'm filthy with condensation. I can't even, I'm at as well, just spray water

all over the entire house. Mm-hmm. There's not enough coasters in the world that can soak this up. I can't even tie, I might as well just spray water all over the entire house. There's not enough coasters in the world that can soak this up. I'll do a lot of editing at home and I'll sit there with like an ice coffee. And at home, I've got a cordless mouse and it'll sit there and I'll forget that the table is just slightly slanted toward me. Yeah. And all of a sudden that mouse will get all wet and will stop working.

And I'll be like, God damn it, I said. God damn condensation. Fucking ice coffee about a foot in, you know, to the north of the seconds. Yeah, so what's, it's not like. A few minutes later, all of a sudden, God damn it. It's all fucking wet. I gotta to turn it off and dry it off and I can't bother to you know figure out I should just put it away from the mouse that's beside the point I should just drink it right out of the pot and not even bother with the cup

Yeah, because the cup doesn't contain it temporarily contains everything. I do it to myself every other day. I know I'm getting I got I'm getting dumb It's really getting bad. I do. I'm getting, God, I'm getting dumb. It's really getting bad. I do feel dumb or every year. There's no doubt about it. And it's a terrible thing to realize that your brain is not as sharp as it used to be. No, man, but it's also like, I hate it. It's like, God, I could come up with that. You know, three years of gimp snap. It's also just realizing how to learn. That's like I could come up with that, you know, you know, three years at GAMP snap right there

So just realizing what's the word fucking care about like what the things that you were so Agro about like you got it. Okay, that can be too But like people people listen to the show for advice sometimes a lot of people write in in their 20s Yeah, and the one like the one thing that Is true in your 20s that is not that is not true anytime is you have so much fucking energy. Yes. In your 20s that will that will evaporate. When you're like 34 like as soon as you will and it will be fucking. So if you have any preach any if so if you have any desires like like anything. Do them now.

Do them fucking now, no matter what the cost is. Because you can, like you could stay, you could be committed to something like the fucking crack addict all day, every day, for eight, for 25 hours a day when you're like 27. You could work and make calls and do anything. And that is a tiny ass window. Like you are landing a space shuttle.

Yeah, you're coming in right at the right trajectory to get through the, not to bounce off and not to burn up. And I don't tell you that. No, they don't. They don't. No, I think they tell you other things. Yeah, they tell you like, oh, it's a lot of vehicles.

Are you gonna plenty of time? It's never too late. Yeah. I don't believe this stuff. There's a reason. It's's never too late. I don't believe this stuff. There's a reason. It's never too late stuff. I don't, not really. Not really.

You can do things. It's never too late to learn things. It's never too late necessarily to try things, but I think you've got to have some realistic expectations on when things can, when you can really make things happen. And there's a reason why most people make things happen at around the same age, if they're going to do what we consider great things.

I don't know if that makes any sense. Yeah, it's fucking weird. So I just, I, Because of the energy thing that you're talking about and such. Yeah, like I've been, I've been reading all these always exceptions, but Nobel Prize winning biographies. Yeah, because it's just because I like it. I like

reading like like a like Oppenheimer and Iraq and I'm sure sure it's really, you know, there's just it's interesting to see what those people did with their lives and like it's and in every single case, every single one of them. There's this golden period from when they're 25 to 35. And then the rest of their lives are spent dealing with the consequences of that time. This is so fucking crazy to see even like you could apply that to songwriters. You could apply that to great songwriters.

There's the golden period and then productivity drops off drastically after a certain age because you, that's what's in you. You wrote the stuff that was obvious to you. You don't normally start, you don't see Paul McCartney writing Beatles songs today and he has it in 40 years. How do you think Sam Heides? Was he like 30? Yeah, it is 30, I guess.

I hope he turns out some good stuff. Five years. I really like that guy. Yeah, he's, that's the second time we've had him, right? Yeah. Yeah, I like him. He's Zany. He is Zany.

Let me see. Asterios sent in a bit. You want to hear it? Yeah, sure. It's called the School of Sad Tire. Okay. Asterios is School of Sattire. Uh-huh.

Listening for the trains. And now the Asterios-Kiokenos School of Sattire. One of the things the people miss in Sattire is, you've gotta have a message. A goal, but here's the key. You've gotta work it in. Very deaf key. You've got to work it in. Very deafly. You don't want to shout your themes.

You know, it's a gentle talk. Here's the jam. From my latest sketch about President Trump. I'll ready to turn this down. Oh, God. My fellow Americans, I'm your president. President Trump. Huge. My hair sucks. And I'm your president, president Trump, huge, my hair sucks and I'm a Nazi.

I'm grabbed by the pussy, tremendous. Well, gotta go, Trumpy, don't be do. Now a lot of people listen to that sketch and they ask you, you know, but I know what your characters think, but what do you think of the president and I go Honestly, that's a relevant because when satire's done right It's almost invisible But I do think Trump sucks I swear to Christ, I swear to Christ. I swear to Christ, I swear to Christ.

Oh man, I swear to Christ. I was talking about the destiny and the call that I had. You were, right? Yes. You remember that I was talking about that. Yeah. That was my point. It's like, everything I knew or everything I needed to know

I learned in kindergarten, you remember that poster? Yeah, that stupid idea that our parents had. Yeah, that was their meme. Yeah. That was like the meme of the century. That was their meme. Everything I knew I learned in kindergarten. They had memes too. Everything I needed to know, I learned in kindergarten.

I learned in kindergarten. Yeah, and it had like just a bunch of like, kind of common shit that they knew. Yeah. And it brought them together. And that's how they felt. But us, like they don't tell you, like we really need like this is what,

this is what you're gonna fucking miss. You're dying. Every God, this is, and this is what you're losing. It's death, you think of death that just comes at the end. No, but it goes, it comes on slowly. And every, every five years, something new dies. And you are not gonna be prepared for it. And you know what?

You're probably your brains probably going to be one of them when you're like 80 and somebody's going to have to take care of your ass for 10, 20 years. Yeah, you know what? That's a good, that's a good way of putting it. It does. It comes in stages. It immediately as soon as you can breed, that's when the dying begins because that's when you're no longer biologically viable. Like that's when your purpose is complete.

I mean, some animal, they breed once and die. Yeah, that's, you know. Humans, that should be, God, that would be, what if it was like that? Yeah, man, I really gotta pick a good one. Would it change anything? We'd probably still be just be like, yeah, so what was yours? I just got drunk at a bar and banged some fat chick

and then died. I just had to get it out, you know. It's too dark. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let me get speaking of dating. Let me get Denzel on. Hey, Denzel, are you there? Then I got to talk about destiny. Yeah, what's up, Denzel?

How you doing? Hey, how you guys doing? What's up, how are you? Hey, so are you coming to the LA show? Yes, I will. In fact, I want to put on a little dating game at the live show and you win a date with your boy, Denzel. Rules are, you got to be a woman and give to the blow jobs,

which I'll get into later. Oh, you're a, you're a, you're be a woman and okay, I give to the blow jobs, which I'll get into later. Oh, you're a, you're a, you're a, you're a schoozer now. This is a bragging call. This is a bragging call. Benzel, you could know on my fucking cock if I'm getting a blow job. What do you mean you're, can't give to the blow jobs.

Okay, so first, all right. Well, I go out on a date with a woman and, she's like, hold on, hold on, hold on, beggars can't be shoes with a woman. And where is hold on hold on hold on hold on. You got you want to do a dating game? Yeah. That's a show. Let's go back to how this affects me. You just got to be a woman. That's really and hopefully in the LA area and Dick's going to pay for the date. No, there's not going to be first of all, there's not going to be, there's not nearly enough. There's not nearly as many women is you think there's going to be at the date. No, there's not going to be, first of all, there's not going to be, there's not nearly enough, there's not nearly as many women as you think

there's going to be at the show and they're all going to be accompanied. Let's start there. But, but, no, no, but listen, I am, there is already hundreds of people coming to the L.A. show. There is no chance one of them doesn't have a single friend or a sister or a coworker or something. Totally.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Like this is, the dickhead crew is, it's the sweet spot for guys that you, like a regular dude, like guys that power the economy, listen to this show. And they, and the chicks that they know are the type to say, I wish I could just meet a regular dude, right? Like I wish I could just meet a guy with a fucking job. Sure.

Like Denzel. Yeah. So if anybody listening who's coming to the show has a friend or a coworker or even a sister because that's funny or who wants to date Denzel at the show. Let me know and I will hook you guys up with a great date. Oh yeah. Thank you, Dick. Yeah. How does that sound? That sounds perfect. I think that's a better plan than your fucking live show dating game. Yes. Yes. That's a much better idea. Anyway, so what do you

been, how's the dating, dating game going for you lately? So your boys have been all the time. Two weeks. And like the last two weeks have been pretty good for your boy. And I mean, it started out with this gorgeous six foot one blonde woman that I met at a local brewery. Six foot. That managed to talk me into not only getting her number, but giving her my or getting her number from her and me giving her my number. But like I can hear his chest out right over the phone.

Talking about as gorgeous. Oh, yeah, he is. Yeah, he is. Well, that didn't turn out too well. Dude, how tall are you? I did not. I told you. He's not six, three, six, three.

Yeah, six, three, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six,

six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, That's a huge requirement for them. Right? Yeah. The dating guys who are taller than them, and you're very fucking tall. Yes. Okay. So what was the set up light? What was the canned situation like with this girl? I mean, I guess like oranges, nothing too spectacular.

You know what's funny? Is guys don't even need to answer that question. I can tell what the answer is is when they start thinking mm-hmm like they'll audibly Start thinking and I tell immediately what like what's the can situation? Like that means you know small. What's the can see like a little bigger? What's the can see? Oh? It's like okay. Just stop right there. Yeah, right? That's the Kansas. Got it. I need to be alone now. Okay, so what happened with her?

So I, you know, because a lot of the night that we spent talking to each other, we were talking a lot about work. So your boy decided to shoot his shot via LinkedIn. And wait, what? I didn't save the number. I like I fucked it up because I was too drunk and I couldn't get her saved her number. Oh, so I get on.

I remember. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean she gave you her number and you didn't write it down? What do you mean she gave you her number and you didn't write it down? What do you mean? She typed it into my phone and like She didn't save it like she didn't hit save on the number what she did was typed it and said hey This is my number. I want you to go ahead and save it so you know I'm not fucking with you and I said oh my god. This is great. And what did you do when you got it?

I think I just locked the phone and closed the app by accident Oh, my phone died on the way so you got this gorgeous girl's number And she put her not she put it in and you just locked the phone and you didn't save it. I thought I saved it But I didn't ah good grief Denzel Look always call them know, uh, look, always call them. Right? When they give you, when they put the number into the phone, just hit call and tell them it's to make sure every, every single time no matter what, tell them that to make sure they give you a right number. And then they'll get off because it's a funny joke. Right? Always call. You didn't. Oh my god. Buddy. So stupid. Yeah, but the next night,

things started looking up because I matched with somebody on Tinder and some microbiologist or something. This fucking gorgeous woman with like cantaloupe titties and huge teeth. with like cantaloupe titties and huge teeth. And she's. She's chiclets in her mouth. She's gorgeous. Yeah. And so I'll just get towards the end of the story. She, at some point, like we're at her apartment and she's like giving me a blow job and

towards the. Wow. Really? You just snag this chick off a tinder who's a microbiologist and is down to go downtown. Right? There's a joke in there somewhere. She's microbiologist. She's into small dicks.

That's the story that I skipped. What is that? She went to a big school that was big on football and she used to fuck a lot of black guys. It's a white chick. It's a white chick who wanted to walk down memory lane. He's the fuck a lot of black guys. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I the time to have pride. Every time a fucking, every time an Asian chick says that they don't wanna date like a guy who likes Asian chicks, I just, I think, you know what, fuck you. Like, you get that kind, you have that ability to just turn,

got like turn sexual partners away. Well, I'll take anything. I'll take like literally anything. Like, oh, I wanna, I wanna fucking Republican or like, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever like literally anything like, oh, I want to fuck a Republican or like, it was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you want. I don't like a guy who has like a slight preference for Asian women like, so fucking frustrating. Meanwhile, you got Denzel. Fuck it. So she liked fucking a lot of black guys. And she was swiping right because of that.

Yeah, yeah. I learned that while talking to her, she made some sort of gaff where I had asked her about rap music and she said something about black people instead. And I was just like, Jesus. What did you ask? I was just like,

do you listen to a lot of rap music or something? And she was just like, no, I know. I love fucking black guys. What is it like for you as a black guy to date, to date, like, to date in general? What does that like? I mean, that's got to be like a significant part of your dating life. Yes, it is surprisingly. I mean, I guess not surprisingly.

Everybody's got a preference. And it's not like a lot of people come out right out and say like, yo, I don't fuck with black dudes lean you alone if you're black. It's like, but it's more so people just don't respond. Yeah, well, I mean, so like, it's like, how can you tell people just don't respond? They'll, you'll know, you'll know.

You probably have some female friends that you know that are just way into black dudes. They listen to maybe a disproportionate amount of rap music or they watch sports. Like certain types of sports, not baseball because baseball has a ton of black dudes in it. Like, yeah, watch a lot of basketball where it's like dudes in tight shirts running around.

Really? So like that. So these are the things that you look at to know that a girl's down with dating black dudes. How have you not snagged a girl in a shot? I shoot my shot where like whenever I have the opportunity, it's like, all right, well, I'm not gonna know for sure until I start talking to this person,

whether or not they're gonna be down to fuck black dudes, but like why not just approach everyone as if they don't have some sort of weird bias against black people. Yeah. Yeah, but we, I mean, I don't know if it's weird. I probably got a lot of weird biases on chicks, right? Yeah, I guess I mean, I don't know if it's I don't know if it's weird. I probably got a lot of weird biases on chicks

Right. Yeah, I guess it is it might be a unfair characters characterization. I don't even know that He's got sexual preferences right? Yeah, it's like feet and and chicks are very man They really got to protect that they really got to protect their treasure box. Yeah, and I don't even think it's something that you have to, I don't think you have to overanalyze it when it comes to, it's like, why do you think there can be two checks that are fairly similar looking or they have more in common than no. You can be completely into one and just like me on the other. It's how the whole thing strikes you, I guess. And it's, but, yeah, have you ever been with a black girl? Sean?

Yes. Really? Yeah. And not how does, does half count? Half black or half been with? I mean, if Obama's a black president, then yeah, yeah, no, I sort of a joke, but yes. How was it? She was, here we go, did she read like a death poetry jam to you? No, she was, like, she was raised pretty white. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Was it Maddox's girlfriend? No.

My boy. Hey, that's, line is breaking up. She was raised pretty white. Yeah. Man, I dated a quarter, quarter black girl. Yeah. Oh, those lips were amazing. That's all I know about it.

Don't ever remember her name. I could remember her if I tried. I watched a Game of Thrones episode for her. Really? Yes. I know, these are the things that we do. I just, I thought she was in it. I was like, I watched a Game of Thrones episode

not knowing the buildup, any of the reasons that any of these assholes were doing in the middle, like season five or something. I guess, I guess I'm just doing this. Well, do you date like, what's the, do you usually date black girls? I literally like, I'm not in a position to be picky, Sean. No, no, no, no, I mean, I just mean in like, like past experience, I'm not in a position to be picky. Sean, no, no, no, I'm not just me in like past experience. I'm not saying preference. I'm not saying preference just because again, like, you know, these are things that like I don't think about. So it's because there are a lot fewer black people in the US.

You're saying, I'm asking you as a black man who you're, like you said, or are you saying you're not in a position to be picky because there are, there are, there's a lot more white people. Uh, it's more so that it happened so infrequently for me that I can just go with whoever shows up. Yeah. You know, and like in San Diego, it's, there aren't a ton of black people here anyway.

So it's not. It's not Mexican chicks though. Mm-hmm? Yeah. Yeah. Our Mexican chicks more likely to be down with the swirl. Maybe. I don't know. Like I that won the woman. Oh, geez, from a while back that juice me for a meal was a Mexican woman. Oh, geez. The job's got PTSD. Tensel, you got to get you got to get the number. You got to get the number, geez. The job's got PTSD. No. Uh, Tensel, you gotta get the number.

You gotta get the number, man. And nothing is like, you know, it's terrible, but that pain will never go away. Like I, uh, it makes me think of this time I was in star, but like eight years ago, a decade ago, maybe more. I don't even want to start doing the math anymore that I found this piece of garbage in my car, this cup wrapper from a Starbucks, because I'm a very, I'm a slavvently man,

very crude man. When I have garbage in my car, I just throw it on the floor. I'm trying not to do that with the new car. Except for the cupcake bandits, maybe that's gonna be the downfall of the car. Now'm trying not to do that with the new car. Except for the cupcake bandits. Maybe that's going to be the downfall of the car. Now I'll just start littering in the car like it's at my own personal garbage can.

Yeah. As long as a gateway drug with every new vehicle. There's always the moment when, when you're like, oh god damn it, I can't have nice things. You know what, I got a dent in that car and I fucking, I paid a guy 150 hundred and fifty bucks to fix the dent just so like I'm do that yeah just so I wouldn't just start treating it like garbage you got to get that you got to get on that right quick yeah yeah yeah I do then you won't do it I did

and I see every time I see where that dent was I think yeah you yes like this is this is this is the this is me this is my eat this is me time. This is my eat prey love moment. Like no dense paying taxes on time and auto bill. That's my male eat prey love. There you go. It's like, yeah, now I don't have to, now, now it's back to normal. Give me the bottles I can dent my brain.

All of life is just pulling in, all of, pulling in these external forces to just keep it normal. Keep it normal. That's what happens after you're talking about being 20 and 30. When you're 35, it's just, ah, you spend all of your energy just keeping things the way they are.

Yeah. I gotta, like I gotta wake, I gotta fix this dent. I gotta keep, I gotta keep the bills, I gotta keep the bill train going because you don't, you don't give a shit about that when you're 20s, I don't care what's crudded, doesn't fucking matter, right? But after that, it's the little things, it's the little, it's all the, it's the, that's when you realize the condensation rings, they don't go away on their own. Yeah. The thing is ruined now. It's ruined forever because you didn't get it off the side of the road.

You didn't get it off Craigslist. This is something that you traded your life for. Yeah, you paid for it. You paid for this with your life that is ending a minute at a time, a second at a time. So it's fucking, so get some Yeti cups is what I'm saying. Yeah, that my brother and I, and I made, I was in my mind, I was making fun of them, but they don't, there's no connotation.

It's like it does what it does, it's chop. The chop does its chop. It's competent. It keeps something that is increasingly rare. It's not, yeah, exactly. You could just use a coaster. Denzel. You've never had so much condensation You could just use a coaster. Mm. Denzel.

You've never had so much condensation that it overruns the coaster? Stop. I'm not, I'm not, I don't live in a bar. That's why you, it's like the cork coasters. What was I talking about? We're talking about Denzel and his dating. Yes.

So I go see this woman. We're at her apartment or whatever after we match on Tinder or whatever it was. And I was using so many different apps. I know. What do you mean or whatever? What was it? I'm pretty sure it was Tinder. Was it a black tinder? Like, chicks who like black guys, there is actually a black tinder. There has to be a soul seek. I like soul Plane! Yes, yes.

It's nothing but baked potatoes. Dude's fingering baked potatoes. Oh, it's on an app. What's baked potatoes? It's Soul Plane. There was a scene in the movie where I think it was a blind, blind guy was fingering a baked potato. And thought it was a chick? Yes. I didn't see a baked potato. And thought it was a chick? Yes. I didn't see salt plant.

Yeah, it was terrible. There's that one. That's the reason why you didn't see it. Okay. So there's a reason you didn't see it. Where it's definitely the quality of the movie. That's why I didn't see it. Because it didn't get good reviews.

Every time Tyler Perry comes out of the movie, I'm like, well, what's the response of people? Are they saying it's a quality movie? Because if it is, maybe I'll have to check it out. Yeah. Yeah. I'm laughing. I laugh all the way to the back, man. Everyone is movies makes money. Is he gay? I don't know. Tyler Perry. I have no idea. No, I don't know. I have a kid recently with a human woman. You could do that if you're gay. Oh, that's true. Yeah It's easy to live a lie. We all do it every day. Oh, you're fucking right. You are so right Okay, so what happened with this one so you know like I don't know how this happened but the I was getting this blowjob from this girl and it started out I know how it happened. I know how every blow job in my life happened.

A tremendous amount of effort. Like I could give a building a pyramid amount of effort. What was the following part? So after maybe 30 seconds, it gets real toothy and it's just like, what are you doing? And then like, trying to take a culture. A life seconds after it felt like Somebody was going at my dick with like a potato peeler

Jesus Christ I have to like physically remove her from my penis and I'm like what do you do it? She was just like oh like everybody else that I've ever done this for really likes Talking about, no. No, and so from there, like she's like trying to insist that this is the best path to a good blowjob, but I'm in a lot of pain. So of course, I don't let her continue.

Yeah, but you're kind of like a, you're kind of a little prissy when it comes to pain though, right? Like you threw your back out, you couldn't fuck. Now you can't get a blood job because there's a little teeth going on. Yeah, a little teeth. Oh, yeah. But I didn't realize that somebody grading my penis with their, nah, you got to fix that, man. So she, of course, I mean, like, I'm I'm I'm I'm a little bit freaked out and like I want to stop all this and leave and then she starts crying and it's like oh no what do you mean you want to stop this and leave. She wants to continue blowing me and she wants to continue blowing. She wants to continue blowing, she wants to relive her college days. What are you doing? What?

I like, I try to talk her into letting me have sex with her, but she's not having it. And it's like, oh, I can't imagine that. I can't imagine that. I can't imagine that. I can't imagine that. What are you doing? What are you doing? I can't imagine that.

What are you trying to say to talk her into having sex with you? Right. Basically, there's, I mean, there are other things that we could do here. I needed this. It's okay. It's okay. You don't have to do it.

But it's like, fuck, man. What are you supposed to do? It's disappointing to you. It's disappointing to you that the blowjob didn't live up to your fantasy, right? The first, the first 30 seconds did. Why? I'm telling you that much. There was no two.

It was dope. It was like I was living in every convention at once. It was fucking sick. It was a dope-ass blowjob. And then the team came out. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, I don't know how you recover from that, buddy.

Yeah, like this, I feel like sometimes they're just situations that you can't recover from, but on the plus side, what you're describing is a common thing. Like it's not, it's not- It's not- It's not- It's not- It's not- It's not- It's not- It's not- It's not- It's not-

It's not- It's not- It's not- It's not- It's not- It's not- because like imagine that you're doing it, you know? No. I just- I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just,

I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just,

I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, out mentally. And it's like, well, you know, it's a job. A blow job is still a job right in the title, right? Yeah. Yeah. Like it's it's sexually charged. But it's like, yeah, you got there's there's got to be some compassion from your end with a, oh, yeah, 30 seconds. That's that's plenty. Like if somebody, what Sean, you're not it. No, I was just, I was just gonna say, it's like, I don't know if he realizes, like that it wasn't that far fetched

for her to start crying. After that. Oh, it's, look, I've softly, you're gonna own a lot in the last few months. Yeah, I mean, it's pretty harsh. It's pretty harsh. It's pretty harsh. You be harsh. And then this guy's It's pretty, it's pretty harsh.

You feel you're all on the line. And then this guy's like, look, that wasn't satisfactory to me. I'm the fucking blowjob in Fishingado Denzel over here. Yeah. Is it too much to ask for no teeth? I mean, like, okay, like so what? You nick the penis a little bit with your teeth. All right, it's an accident.

Look, do you know how to give a blow job? Ben Zell, I'm saying. I'm so happy that I was able to take that as much practice as possible before sucking your dick. I don't. I've definitely gotten blowies from prostitutes before. So it's really, wait, wait, wait, really? Yes.

How much? It's different pricing. It was, so basically I was in the Dominican Republic and I, oh my God. Yeah, this was, this was a few years ago though. Okay. And like four and hour. I need to keep that microbiologist number.

Sixteen. You cop blocked yourself in the middle of a blow job, by the way. Yeah, that stands out. Yeah. Good grief, Dens. Good grief, Charlie Brown, Black Charlie Brown. What was the black guy in Charlie Brown? Charlie Brown. Oh, uh, Franklin.

Yes, Franklin. Thens out those right away. Oh, man. I don't know. I mean, like, it was it was a reflection. No, no, no, look, it was like, you don't know, you couldn't give a good blow job, right? Or could you?

Do you think you could? I wouldn't imagine that I could. You wouldn't imagine that you could. So like, why should, why should she be able to? Like, just imagine it from her point of view, she's trying to get you, she's trying to get you off, right? Blow an entire football team. She's trying, she's trying, you gotta help her out. trying to get you off right? Loan entire football teams.

She's trying. She's trying. You got to help her out. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like, you two quick to criticize. You got to help her out, you know, reacted. It was just like because there was no masking,

like my initial reaction, like there, like there wasn't like, oh, I'm in pain here. Let me calmly try to tell. It's like, when you touch something hot and you're like, ah, fuck. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that wasn't a bite. I'm just gonna seem like a severe reaction.

It turns out it's like a, like a postal worker. And this girl's just biting in his cock. He's like, oh, what do you mean? They're like touching something hot. How sensitive is your dick? Quite like I, you have any circumcised? Am I, that's a weird question to ask. I'm not gonna answer that.

That's a weird response. Somebody has me if I'm circumcised, it's yes. Yeah. Right? So that means he's not circumcised. I mean, if you really have to know, yes, I am. Oh, okay. All right. So you jump. So you hit a hot plate. She hit a hot spot. And then you ended the blow job. Yeah. And then she cried. when you ended the blow job. Yeah.

And then she cried. Yeah. Well, what did you learn from that experience? Are you gonna approach it a different way? Oh no. That's not. What would you do? I don't know.

Like maybe you take like a blow job in prof class so I can better yakish macadie my way out of it. Mac Mac. Oh, oh man. This blow job is crazy. I don't fucking know man. Like how do you react to that? How are you supposed to react?

As soon as it's not good, escalate it to something else because she's bored. Okay. You know, like it's work. It's a job. Blow jobs are a job. So as soon as it's not working for you, change it up, do something else.

Like how's, what was, what's she supposed to do if she's blowing you and then she's tired of it? Like what does she just stop and sit up? Yeah, she was like, I don't know. I don't know. Well, I mean, think about it. That's the point. You got to think about it. Like that's what she's got. She's got her own whole life going on in her mind. Like she's like, yeah, I want to suck this guy's dick. All right, I got this guy's dick in my mouth. I want to do something else now. But, you know, like I want, I want some attention for the house. House has got to win here. Yeah know, like I want some attention for the house. The house has got to win here, right? I want some attention played on me. She's just done with it.

So as soon as it starts going down a teethville, just stop and do something else. You still want a fucker, right? Yes. Yeah, do that. Yeah, how much, I mean, how much tick mean how much tick how much dick does a girl need? In her mouth 30 seconds. I think they get the point after about 30 seconds Yeah, okay, I got it. I got it. You got it. You got a little sometimes. That's all you need just get a little just

Just touch it. Just touch it. That's all that's what we want right just touch it a little bit Just get a, just touch it. That's all, that's what we want, right? Just touch it a little bit, just get a little taste of it. A little bit, a little bit, that's all I need, a little bit. Not it's over. Is this drunken ramblings or is this inside full? Oh, no, this is the best part of the show. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, no man wants to imagine what it's like to suck a dick, but you have to. To be a good lover, you have to. You don't learn that until you're 30s. Yeah, you learn that in your 30s. Things I don't tell you. And that's all you think about. All right, Denzel, get out of here.

If somebody has a sister or a coworker or whatever wants to date Denzel, I'll say, dude, I'll say, you guys send a moment to your house. They will ask to suck Denzel's. And the criticism will be overly critical of their blow job. They make them cry. This was the first date you went on with this woman. Yes. That's fucked up, dude.

I mean, look. It is. It is. It's all over. I'm not going to lie. It's like, it was just a reflex. As soon as I did what I did, I knew I fucked up. Yeah.

Well, thanks for having me on. Did you go down on her? Did you go down on her? Yes, I did. Big mistake. Did you put a lot of teeth into it to give her a hint? No, no. You did a good job.

I would say so, yes. Did you get her off? I'm hoping so. What do you mean you're hoping so? Yes. Did she, was there an indication that she had orgasmed? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the fucking tried to crush my head with her thighs. Oh, so that makes the shitty blowjob even more painful, right? Right? Yeah, because it's like, ah, you bitch, like I gave you exactly what you wanted and you couldn't put your effort into it for me. Yeah, I got it. I'm kind of swayed by that.

By that last part, I don't feel as bad for her. Me either. Yeah, you got cut, Denzel. Shawnee pussy until you come. And then just go to sleep. Women are terrible negotiators. All right, get out of here. If anybody has a sister or a co-winner that they want to set up a dental for the live show,

make sure you send them on in. Oh God, what was I talking about the destiny? She'll show up at the show that the chargers moved LA, you know? We got the Rams back. So it kinds of footfall here. So the chargers moved LA, you know? We got the Rams back. So it kinds of football here. She could, you know, rebound from that little unfortunate experience. From that crying bloja.

Yeah. I mean, I mocked Enzel, but I've done it. I've done that same shit. Ever it's, it's like that's the only thing. He, he, yeah. And then he's totally right. He's reminding us of her. He's reminding us of her.

And she got off. And I was like, yeah, bitch, well, like, what the hell? Where's mine? It's just it's the way he did it. Yeah. I mean, the way he said it, I'm sure it was, he probably could have been done with a little more tacked. No more.

It is just all that I'm tacked. It does. It does grow. It should. It should grow. Yeah. Let's see. Okay.

That was funny. You have some exiled condensation done with that. Well, I was talking about destiny. Yeah, well, that's where I was going back to, yeah. So Mr. Meadekerb, post this video of a guy destiny, he's a Twitch player. Yeah.

And he's become like a, a debater. He's known as debating. It's his thing. That's his thing. And I hate, you know, that I hate debates. So he brings guests on. Yeah, and debates them. Sure, sure, sure.

And I hate that. I think it's, I think debating, like, you know, you look at where, because you can win a debate and you can win a debate, sorry, and not be correct. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and winning is a skill. Whether or not you win or lose,

doesn't mean you're right. What was the purpose of this? It's like a sporting event. Yeah, right. Yeah, I love the Dodgers so much that I'm going to throw a beer at a Giants fan and get ejected from a game and a Giants fan is going to get beat into a coma. Like, this is, this is what it is. It's a sporting event. But debate has come. What arguing has become on the internet. And there's no, and the, the,

the, and it's, and it's an impulse. I think that's what I was saying with racism to begin with. It's a human impulse to be racist, which it is. It's a human impulse to be tribalistic and to generalize, because it keeps us safe. You know, for millions of, for thousands of years. Yeah, we generalize. Because it's efficient. Yeah, it's efficient.

And it's just like, it's not always correct in every situation, but it's efficient. It's a feeling. It's the same way that arguing in this style is also an impulse. Like arguing in this style where you just hit people with facts and links and bullshit is this, is this kind of an impulse. It's like a self like a like an act like a squid shooting ink. It's like this is what yeah this is what I think this is what I think here this will really slam you. This will

really jam you up. But you know in reality everybody like everybody has their own reasoning that they're using to look at extremely complex issues and trying to prove their point as correct because it threatens them. Yeah, because this is what, like this is, this is a major part of their identity, what they're saying. And, and it's not easily expressed in politics. Like, because it's, it's, because politics is huge. It's massive.

Like you have to be, your, your feelings are codified into law. And then the law has huge ram massive. Like you have to be your your feelings are codified into law. And then the law has huge ramifications. You think, well, I didn't, I don't feel all of those things, but I had to put it into a law and it would sounded good at the time. I don't know. I can't tell if I'm making sense or not. No, no, I got it. But we don't do that. Like we don't say in debates anymore, it's not like, ah, this is what everyone thinks. No, of course, if this is what everyone wants and this is what we're trying to do and what do you, like, what do you really want? There's a, and as, as we go, as it goes from, like, I saw this, this graph from the, from the fifties, I saw this graph charting,

charting congressional votes from the 50s. Mm-hmm. Until now. And how often one side would vote for the others bills? Yeah, right? Yeah. Would you think would be good? Like, if the more the more cross the whole reaching across the aisle working with the other side, you think like, well, you know, it'd be great as if there was just no such thing as reaching across the aisle.

And people just, you know, looked at the issues, regardless of political affiliation. Yeah, and tried to understand what everybody wanted, like, worked it out and understood that there's like a budget and there wasn't all these external, but there is external motivators. That's the point. However, the bigger point is that as it's gone decades from back in the 50s, it was, there

was a tremendous amount of cross-Isle voting. Like, you look at it and it's like there's red guys and there's blue guys, but there's all these lines connecting them. They all vote on each other's stuff. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Because they're trying to help. And as you watch, you watch through the decades,

you watch the people just become, you watch the red side and the blue side become so fragmented that they never vote on each other's things anymore. And that's terrible. It makes headlines when they do. It makes headlines when they do. And that's what it's all about.

Just looking, it's about the perception of who's right, the perception of who's doing right by whom. And that's the part that's turning us. That's the part that's making us hate each other. Is what I'm saying, because, and I have it in me too. I have the same, I have that condescending hatred towards the other side and I don't wanna have it. Like I don't, like, Asterios comes in and we fight like, horrifically and terribly.

And I think, why are we doing this? This is terrible. It's terrible that we're fucking doing this. And I think it's driven in a large part by this failure to understand motives, understand what people want and instead focusing on arguing, like a sporting event. Yeah. So I said, obviously, compress that into 140 characters

on Twitter, I was like, yeah, you're destiny, this destiny, kid. Yeah. Yeah, you're fucking jackass. You're fucking pro. How it could probably win? Yeah, you're like you, you are a, you're diarrhea mouth and you, you've hyper focused on details

and you ignore the point. Like you misrepresent the point. You misrepresent the point. Because that's the worst thing you can do to people is take what they say and twist it around. It's, it's a terrible thing to do that it's a sick thing to do that. Proof and debate tactic.

And that's the nature of debate. It is. It's become that, I don't know what debate started as or what it is. It has to be shameless to win a debate. You do it. It's terrible. Yeah. It's like at least in football, you know, there's rules.

Yeah. They break them, Bellachack breaks them, but it's so dirty to win a football game. By the way, Sean's dong took a hell of a beating. Well, that's weak and I'm sorry to say that. By Beatty Beats. Beatty Beats. Beatty Beats really knocked the shit out of Sean's dong.

Beatty Beats took it to Sean's dog. Like there's no tomorrow. Beatty beats really put a whooping on Sean's dog. It seems like Sean's dog wins a lot though. I mean, either way, even when he loses. He wins. He's over one. He's over one.

Oh, as I say, oh yeah. So this destiny conversation. I know this prick does it. Like I've seen, I've seen a couple minutes of his videos up until, up until this week. I was like, ah man, it's just, it's disgraceful. It's terrible the way you do that. Terrible the way you misrepresent someone's ideas.

Yeah. That was my point on Twitter. So I'm busting balls. Like this guy's, I don't know if he's criticizing PewDiePie and then he posts like how he's not racist saying like well I have black friends. Okay, you that's that's something that Right, okay, we all know the next sentence. That's what every guy who says racist shit says yeah, right, right So I'm making fun of it right and he goes. Oh,, oh yeah, well, why don't you call into my streams? Like, all right.

So I call into his stream. You know, here's the thing, it started at about midnight where I'm making fun of him. And then I wake up and I talk some more shit. I'm just like eight in the morning. Because I like, like I wake up and then kind of decide if I'm going back to bed or not. Yeah.

You know, I wake up and talk some more shit on Twitter, and then he says, oh, why don't you call him to my stream right now? He's eight in the fucking morning, dude. What do you mean? Okay, fine. That's my, that's my, it's been streaming this whole time. I don't know.

That's my thing though with the show. Yeah. He's always say yes. Come on my thing. Yeah, sure. Because I think I have a valid point of view. And I'm going to express it. And I think that that's why people listen.

Because as much as it sucks to have like thousands of people telling you you're an idiot, yeah, like it feels good to see someone say that. Like you can't, you can't win them all. No, nobody does. And sometimes you can't even win. Right, yeah. Like you can't win against someone like that. You can't win them all. No, nobody does. And sometimes you can't even win. Right. Yeah. You can't win against someone like that.

If you're telling someone, look, you're a piece of shit. And the way you think is cancerous, your entire brand is cancer. And it's spreading. And your success shows people that it's a good way to be, but it's not. It's making everybody miserable. Like there's no winning that fight, especially on his thing. So what happened? So I called in. Yeah. Sure. Right. People are you not entertained? Yeah. I was like, yeah, we have to. You have to say yes. I always say yes. I always say yes. So I call in and say that.

Yeah, I think you're scumbag. You don't you miss represent people. The way you argue is disingenuous like you you you hyper focus on on individual like fact totems and data points because you and then you call that logical like your entire your entire existence is this weird judo of trying to prove who's more logical because you believe being logical is necessarily right. And it's not.

And it's not. And what you're doing is like a disgusting disservice to humanity. And I think your cancer, that was my point. And it's like, he saw it differently. Well, yeah, he's just like, why? Give me some examples. I was like, I don't know, man.

Like you're just kind of like this. Like everything I've seen, I've never seen you do this because this is the way you argue. And then I, like I brought up one stupid example about Trump. Like this is, here's how you misrepresented that. And it turned into a whole stupid thing about Trump and we're all tired of Trump. Yeah, I'll fucking tired of politics now, you know Yeah, we're all very tired of it We don't we don't need to talk about politics until 2024, you know

Right when right Thank you, we get to see what eight years of Trump looks like Okay, yeah, because there's. Because if the economy is doing good, the incumbent will win. The incumbent generally wins. And it's ridiculous to think that the economy won't be doing good on a Trump. Be very interesting. Yeah, it'll be really interesting. Even if nothing happens, like, yeah, the economy's going to be doing great.

So it turns into this, it turns into this stoop. Yeah, even if nothing happens like yeah, the economy's gonna be doing great. So It turns into this it turns into this stupid it turns into this tiki-tanky Wikipedia it turns into an argument where I'm I'm being asked to describe what LaRaza is the rate LaRaza, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,, everybody knows, what do you mean? What is it? Yeah. Everybody knows what, this is, and this is the point. Like everybody knows what it is, and it's not, it's fine.

It's, so you get bogged down in the details. He bogged down in the details. Which is what he does. Which is what he does. Yeah. Which is my point, that he misrepresents people. So, sure enough, I do this eight in the morning. All right. All right. Get the... My purpose was to do zingers. I call it and it's like, yeah, so at the very end

of the interview, at the very end of the conversation, he goes on this sanctimonious rant about how I'm all about feelings and whatever. And I'm like, yeah, man, feelings are, you know, whatever, no matter what anybody says, they're basing everything on feelings. That's like, that's what you don't understand. Like, that's why that's why people buy new cars. That's why things cost 1999 instead of 20 bucks. Like, there's no, the idea that some people are logical and some people are based, some people are just

like irrational monsters is an ad that you're selling. That's what, and you're trying to promote this as your brand, so I understand, but it's, it doesn't mean anything. Like you didn't, you don't know the world is round because of facts. You know what? Because you were told that as a kid. And as you grow up, like it's,, like, yeah, it's delusional that it's not.

That's great, but when things are less precise, when you're not talking about the goddamn world being round, when you're talking about more nuanced issues that reliance on facts is a crutch and a poison because it does nothing. Like you can see that the world is round. You can see, it's definitive. When somebody dies on the operating table,

yeah, facts would have prevented that. But when it's like these subtle, when it's politics, facts don't matter. Because everybody's just going on feelings. Way too complicated. You know what I'm saying? Well, there's a lot of variables and there's a lot of different points

and that's my problem has always been, I get what you're saying on the on the gut level. But facts are important to boost your side of the argument as long as you don't lose the overall concept of what you're talking about. Yeah. And getting bogged down in those details. Yeah. It was like that, um was like that solid snake called in, the black dude called in, who said that their statues and courthouses and it makes people feel disenfranchised. Yeah, sure.

I get it. Yeah, there's no facts. Like yeah, if those were removed, if those statues were, I wouldn't really feel that bad about it. Yeah, you know? Yeah. I'm merely suggesting another way to look at it, but like I totally understand what you're saying.

And there's no amount of facts, there's no amount of facts that can prove or disprove these prejudices that we're not gonna call his feelings false. Yeah, you know, like go, yeah, make sense. Sure, make sense. Like, hell, yeah, make sense. Sure, make sense. So, the ultimate proof of it,

and as I was saying in the call, it's like, well, look, this is how you argue, and you're going to do it on this call. Yeah, and to misrepresent things, and you're going to ask for specifics until you can argue about specifics, and it's not about the point of what I'm saying. Because the point is what's important.

Yeah. The facts don't matter at all. It's the point of what someone is saying. And that's what we have completely failed. That's what we've completely failed to pay attention to was what I'm saying. Yeah. Is the point of what people are saying.

Yeah, I think that requires a, I think people, I don't even know if you need to think abstractly, like it's just more big picture thing that people lose. Yeah, and it's, and the way, the way that the media, the way that the news capitalizes on a discreditatory, in my opinion, and it was proved, and so beautifully, my entire initial point of you, you misrepresent people's arguments was proved when the video went up that was destiny, debate, stick

masters, and on Trump. Like, yeah, that wasn't, didn't call in to debate on Trump. Yeah. Don't I don't care about debating on Trump. It's ridiculous. But that's what it devolved to. But that's what it, but that's what the video is called. So if there's any more proof, there's the catchin' you need. Yeah. There's the, yeah. That you misrepresent people. It's that, and you know what else I know,

it's the very end of the debate. Destiny goes on this big, this big like sanctimonious speech about facts and reason and how I'm a shithead. And I wasn't prepared. Yeah, I wasn't. Of course I wasn't prepared. Because my entire point was,

you are a disingenuous prick. You can't prove that. You can't prove it. Like there's no proof for you're a prick. You just are. Like this is what you do here. I got in the zinger of like, oh, I guess you could say I'm a little short, right? Because he's a little guy.

And my, you know, my big brother instinct was kicking in. And he immediately, oh, yeah, well, I guess I'm not, it's good. I, it's, I didn't come up bald. That was his co-zinger. And it's like, well, you know, so all of these facts, all of these beautiful facts that you have, what I see is a witty response and someone who couldn't have a joke. Yeah, response. And that's what matters.

That's all the fucking, that's all that fucking matters. All these stupid facts and bullshit, they don't matter. They don't matter. It's funny how, it's funny how true that is, even on the presidential debate stage. People always remember that, oh, it wasn't that's, and it's like, yeah,

I've heard that line delivered much better a million times, but millions of people across the country have never heard that line, and they thought it was so witty, and that's all they talked about. And it's, it's, it's, it's sickening. I don't know, man, like I'm, it is.

And I'm, I'm trying to, I don't want to be, like I don't want to pretend, like I'm being the great unifier, but I, there's a big fucking problem with the way we treat each other when it comes to politics. No doubt about it. And it's, and it's getting worse, worse. It wasn't always to politics. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. And it's getting worse. Worse.

It wasn't always like this. No. It wasn't always like this. And it is a fucking nightmare to see it get worse. Yeah, it's really bad. And a lot of it is media driven. Or like the city at Destiny that I was talking to. Yeah, that's media too, I guess.

I'm, you know, I'm, yeah. I don't know, I don't know where it ends. Let me see here, let me see here. I think I'm being too preachy. I've got some more bits, Consuelo called in. Oh, he did. Consuelita called in, the dating app. BEEP

Hi, I'm Ricardo. I'm calling for the podcast dating service ad. I'm interested, well, I'm not interested, but my cousin, she's very interested in meeting the good-looking, well-established, well-endowed, so-melting-boys, honk of a lawyer. And well, she's kind of nervous to talk to you, but honk of a lawyer and well she's kind of nervous to talk to you but um that let me get her on the phone andhali yama con el hello hi my cock oh my god I can't believe that I'm speaking to you my name is consulita and I want to get to know you you may don't know it yet But we got a lot in common Macock we bought like Second key in the earned money. Yeah, we would like expensive things but by someone else

We bought our six feet tall. We are destined to each other Macock We can go to the beach to pick up you syringes. I could pick out the hairs that you find in your food. I'm a natural when it's about finding hell hazards in the food, my cock. You should come to my place right now. We're gonna have a great time, you know. And don't worry about bringing any condoms. I got you, baby. They certainly don't happen. this is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this.

This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this.

This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this.

This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. This is a guy doing this. would, I would think so. Yeah, he wanted a date. No shit. Yeah. So you're gonna come in the talk last night. I don't know how I was trying to give him for 69. I got some songs.

Here's a song about Sean's Don. Oh, wonderful. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Sean's Don. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh Sean's dong Oh god Don two fantasy leaks Smash mouth comments I made

Yep, dog Don't stop Don't stop coming in they don't stop coming fed to the rules and I hit the ground Coming you don't got stomp You have to apologize Jesus Hey now Hey, now Hey, now Sean's gone.

Sean's gone. Great Great Oh my god Jesus Christ. I got another one. Oh good. Uh, Jesus Christ. I got another one. Oh, good.

What's this one about? Look at the picture of you. Oh my God. It looks like the jabassal. Oh my God. This feeling inside. It's not one of those dolls you can't see. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal.

I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. I like the Jadassal. That's good song

It's a good Elton Okay, okay weed jokes great. I was a shun's dog No, if I Not a little show. I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do. My gift is my Dunga. This one is for you. Ah, the chorus. The chorus of guys! Yeah.

You can tell... What the hell are they doing? This is Sean's dog! Look at that picture. Maybe it's not simple but... At least it's a lot of fun. I hope you don't mind! I hope you don't mind!

That I put it in your butt! I don't mind. Elton. I wonder for lies, I'll shone in the world. I can't tell if they played that or not. That's not the original notes. Well, it's not the original recording. Oh, yeah. I mean, they are the backing track. ACU. ACU. Although he's going by Vistas now, I think. Yeah. Vistas. Yeah, that was ACO or Vistas, AKA also known as Vistas. What a sick, sick fucker. Okay.

He's good. He's good with that. He's got a bunch of them. Oh, yeah. Okay. Let's see. I also had, Haasen Crews sent in,

what could this be? Yeah, it's, people get very heated. I'm headed. People are getting very heated on Reddit. Lately, it's all the politics. It's all the political climate. It's a political climate. Can you, man, like what's it gonna be?

Because it's definitely getting worse. I don't know, man, but I'm like, I'm in a bad mood always. Always. Now, I did, when it's probably been, I don't even know if people can tell, but for the last, probably like maybe 15 to 20 episodes, I'm always, I'm just in a, I'm in a foul mood all the time. It's summer, it's summer.

It does, it does it to all of us. Oh man. Yeah, we'll see next year. Yeah, I don't like the way, I don't like the way the, I don't like the way society is right now. I really don't. No, it's fucked man. And I can't even put my finger on what's wrong with it.

I'll be, you picked a one. I definitely picked one. I found one mole of all the moles I want to whack. I found the one. It's like you guys, if you're working against, if you're working against what someone is saying, if you're trying to mischaracterize what they're saying, you're a big problem. You're basically a racist. That's like a thing that is in your mind that you want to do, that you do impulsively, but it's bad. And it

makes you, and you're a bad person for doing it. Like that's the branding I'm trying to get across. You know, you know, and we don't have that yet. No, you have to make shirts. Yeah, I got to make some shirts. Erases. Yeah, I got to make some shirts. So, um, Haasincrew sent these in. He did some, he did some interviews. I don't know, I haven't listened to him yet. Oh, it's not a song. these in. He did some interviews, I don't know, I haven't listened to them yet. Oh, it's not a song. Oh, good. No, no, no, it's not.

So these guys are really butchering each other on Facebook or on Reddit. Oh. It's called Goss Squad. Oh, because there's so much that goes on where people are bickering and fighting, that I've put together a squad of crack journalists to keep track of it. You understand? I do. No, I do. Because it's great. It's great to see, it's great to watch happen in real time,

but it needs to be condensed and reported. Yeah, right? This is the, right, the Dick Masterson's God Squad team of journalists on crack. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. The Dix show subreddit, home to breaking news at this hour as totally professional comedian, Asterios Cocanos, and writer-thought-leader Matt Cuck square off in the text-based octagon. Goss Quod's own Haazun Cruise has the story. After I heard what happened, I really wanted to get in touch with everyone, so I called Astero's first, because his name begins with the letter A. They've been bickering.

Those two. Stereo and Mad Cuck. Astero's just going on. Hey, sayas and cruise, what's going on, buddy? Hey, man, I met what's going on, buddy? Hey, man, I'm at La Disco Taker. Herd you madcucks are having a little beef going on on Twitter. What's going on?

Oh, yeah, I guess we gotta talk about that. All right, so look, madcucks has been shit talking me on Reddit for weeks, you know, for weeks I ignore it because I thought, you know, it's even nice guy. Maybe it goes to a rough back or something. We've all been there eventually enough is enough. I just hold it back and then it cuts goes nuclear right away. Immediately bring my girlfriend into this. This guy got the balls to come after my fucking girlfriend. But the bans don't stop there.

My girlfriend invented cutlass carols. She got Santa Cuck on the billboard charts. One of his girlfriend's these data. Paul Triggard retard. Also, that cut uses his own girlfriend to play the mental chess and he's pissed.

So he's a hypocrite. We forgot to talk about politics on the show. He's so nice to show he ran about the minimum wage. He's a hypocrite. We forgot the politics on the dick show. He ran to the minimum way. He said, hypocrite. He says, I don't help jokes. His mad cups riding fish and he

does on his pace. Rihanna. Yeah, that's my the five minute podcast fit without joke. He seemed really aggressive on the phone when I called. Maybe the wind was still fresh. I may be an easily triggered Bernie Brochillary,

Libertard, New Mail, beta cut. There's one thing I'm not. It's a hypocrite. I can't find my words literally in the act of guys. This guy hides his shit talk behind some cocky online. He needed him. He called himself like pork conspiracy. What's the conspiracy? How to waste a year writing a completely unreadable parody of a book someone else wrote 20 years ago

She can make a little bit of money someone else. Is it a piece? Hey, man, I think I cracked the conspiracy your book fucking stuff take a comedy clap then he started advertising his book his book. Then he started speaking Greek. Sorry, I'm gonna go last you guys are calling me. I love it. Lots of so take up. Uno moment. So guapa. Yo soy, I'm that so machino, we're still really not sure what's going on, but we'll get to the bottom of it. All right, there you go. Maybe we'll have some responses next week. Oh boy. Let's wrap it up, right? Yeah, we're like at 220ish.

220? Sean! Little shy. It's a whole episode powered by alcohol. Yeah Well, I've got a shitload of voicemails You you down to stick around for a couple of voicemails. Yeah, okay, everybody go to go to the live show Go to dick show.com the dick show.com dick.com show patreon.com slash the dick show. We're gonna listen to voice mails now. LA, road rage LA, October 13th, I heard we're getting a cut of the bar.

Two. Was that right? Yeah. Yeah. Hope it comes up in the in the black. I think I want to hit 10k. A bar, a bar tab of $10,000. I'll be that's some work never seen before. Never seen before. Oh Jesus Christ and Matt Miller is doing tattoos. Yeah of our logos for 40 bucks. Yeah. Going up to the show.

He's already got a couple of people. All right, everybody. This is one of the Dick's show. See you next Tuesday. Oh boy. Alright. I had some voice news. Hey Dick, this is BB. I'm gonna go get some of this. I'm gonna go get some of this. I'm gonna go get some of this.

I'm gonna go get some of this. Oh boy. Alright. I had some boys and girls. Hey Dick, this is Bee Beats. I just wanted to call in and thank you for giving me the opportunity to give Sean Stong the old Ted Dusky. I think the Jopterno, the KSans are going all the way here. That's a team name. That's his team's name. That's his fantasy team.

I'm going to open turn OJ Care Center. And I want you to apologize for being a big gay baby. Yeah, go fuck yourself. Sorry. I'm sorry for being a big gay baby and for losing a fantasy football. Stuff, you know, you talk a big game, but you gotta just apologize. And it's okay, you know, you know, in Friday when John Witherspoon was talking about

fighting with your fists, you win some you lose some, Craig. But you live, but you live. But you live. We gotta do that with apologizing and losing arguments online now. Yeah, you win some you lose some, but you're, you're, you're Reddit, but your username

lives to another day. It's okay. That's right, it's fine. It's fine. Hey, Deck, I have a rage here. It's been boiling up the last few months. Women with tattoos. Specifically, tattoos with a phrase on the shoulder.

You know, it used to be unique. Now everyone has them. And I hate to break it to anyone listening to this who has that tattoo, but guess what? It's actually become the new france dance. And I know you dick. You know, like girls who have inspirational posters in their bedroom? You can stop the girl. Well, how about a girl who has a phrase,

ain't got a fucking body? Yeah. God damn it. It is, if you ever, you know, the girls with like phrases on their body, yeah, seems a little lazy to me. Seems like half a tattoo. Like somebody else's idea just hasn't released as expressing their thoughts.

Yeah, I want this tattoo, but you know, figure it out later. And then you got a tattoo that's just like a description of a tattoo. Yeah. That's the, it should be, a tattoo should be something that you see and you get immediately. You don't need to read it.

You know? Yeah. Like if you lived here, you'd be home by now. It's not a good tattoo. No. That's something for gridlock. Yeah. I don't want to have to be in gridlock to read your fucking paragraph tattoo.

If you lived here, you'd have terrible property value because you're right on the fucking freeway. You're fucking freeway. That's what it should say, honesty in advertising. They do that though. Don't put words in a tattoo. Don't describe the tattoo, just have the tattoo. I don't need a Bible paragraph

describing how I should feel by looking at your tattooed flesh, just make the image that. You know? It's not a tweet. A tattoo is not a tweet. It's a picture. You've got all the shapes and the art in the world to make on your body forever. I have one, so I know what this is like.

But you don't just describe the tattoo for forgiveness. It's not a tattoo. Make a picture of something that's forgiveness, right? Yeah, sure. A Bible verse, just make a little Jesus on your ass. Yeah, yeah. It's perfect.

I don't know, I hooked up with this girl that had a Bible verse on her body and it weirded me out the whole time. Yeah. Cause I always wanted to read, every time I saw it on her, I wanted to read it. Yeah. But it never changed.

It was the same thing every time. Right. That's the old me again Yeah, I wanted to be like what's What did you want it? What did you want in here? What did you want out of this? All right, we should do bonus episode this week. What do you think a non drunk bonus episode? Good to do one of those okay Hey, Vic it's them You know the next year. It's up to him. Porn pop up ads while you're trying to jack off. For instance, like when you go to Porn Hub and you're looking at the front page and you're looking through the thumbnail,

trying to select the one that you want. Yeah. You click on the video, it opens up and then you go to make it full screen. And then you get started. And immediately a live chat and webcam pop up, that pops up, destroys everything. Then you got to close that window. And then by the time you make it full screen again, you're like 15 to 20 seconds since the video. And you've already missed part of the plot. Yeah. I want those guys. I like plot.

So completely rooms it for me. Then I got to start over again from scratch. So that's what makes me a ridge. Later. There's just there's so much in there that I want to dissect the pop up ads and porn. What you were saying last week, they're much better. They are better. But they are better. You know what the ads in porn. Well, you were saying last week, they're much better. They are better, but they are better.

You know what the ads in porn though? Why they're fucked? Because it's stuff like you'll see the porn ads and every once in a while it'll be like the Simpsons fucking. Ugh. You're like, what the hell did this? Why is this? Why is the Simpsons fucking?

I don't wanna see this. Like I have a lot of fond memories of the Simpsons fucking? I don't wanna see this, like I have a lot of fond memories of the Simpsons. Somebody does. Who wants to see the Simpsons having sex? If you think it, there's porn of it. There's somebody who's, who gets off to it. I understand, I understand that rule,

but it's just like, it's like they're aggressively, some porn ads are aggressively trying to distract you from pornography. And they employ terrible tactics, in my opinion, like by sexualizing the Simpsons, that's disgusting. It's terrible for them to do that, reprehensible.

It is, and it's repugnant. It ruins my masturbating experience. Like, you know, don't show me, find me the hottest ass in the world, show that. Don't show the Simpsons. That's a lot. It's terrible, because I have an emotional attachment with the Simpsons.

Does it have to do with anything like web searches? No, I always incognito browse. There you go. My porn. Okay. Dude, I'm good at that. Incognito, bam. Yeah. I. Dude, I'm good at that. Incognito, bam. Yeah. I don't want anybody knowing about this shit.

There you go. But what else did he say? Well, the Simpson's is, no more Simpson. No more Simpson's ads. Yeah. You know? Mm-hmm. I don't want to see that.

Ruins, it ruins everything. It ruins everything because then I go watch The Simpsons and I think of when I was jerking off about Laugh Sideed Tits, like a Hitomi Tanaka video. I'm like, well, now I got to think of this while I'm watching The Fucking Simpsons. Thanks a lot. You sons of bitches.

Okay. Is that clear? Yeah. Evidence to back that up? Yeah, I think so. Okay. Hey, that dick. I'm listening to one of your episodes 66. You talked about how America football is just shit for kids and it's just not at all fun to practice. Well, that's why the rest of the world

play soccer now are you probably gonna give me shit for this but Practice playing soccer is just going onto the field and kicking the shit out of that ball as hard as you can and Hoping you get it to go where you want to now. That's a lot more entertaining than whatever the fuck you've got to do Remembering all sorts of bullshit rules about getting in lines and whatever the fuck you have so yeah That's all I wanted to say go fuck yourself great show Soccer is better than football. That's what you say. You know what else is there's too much porn a family guy Oh, you ever see a family guy porn ads? No, you're on porn hub. I haven't seen family guy porn ads

Like it'll be like lowest with it with lowest with their tits on you like what the fuck? Hmm. I thought this was a porn website. This is the opposite of porn I don't want to see this The family guy pornography. Yeah, why who did? Why did, why did you do this? I don't understand, I don't understand animated porn of any kind. Really? No.

Of any kind. No, because it's not, it's not real. That's why it's good. I don't get it. Because it's, it's perfect. I don't get it. Because it's perfect. I don't get it. Because if there's no chance of it happening, so what like a picture of a woman, picture of a beautiful woman naked, right?

We can picture it. Black, brown, brunette. I'm picturing a live woman. Right, I know, but what's some characteristics of her though? Well, how long's this show? No, I get your point. But like you can draw that, that live woman. Yeah. So what's the where does it end for you?

Well, you can draw it. Why would you draw it? You can imagine it. Yeah. But I'm imagining the image of a live woman. It doesn't, it's hard to find though. It's hard to find hot chicks for porn. You think it's hard to find hot chicks for porn?

Yeah, man, there's more porn than, it's gotta be porn for everybody. I know, but you look in their eyes and you see the sadness and the terrible. It's like, yeah, sometimes I'm in the mood for that part. I can't see this. Like I can't, I know your backstory. Like I know that the realness makes it worse.

It's like, ah, man. Yeah. You've had a rough life. I can't get off, I can't get off on this, I can't get off on the set of circumstances that has led you to the beginning. Gotcha. You know what I mean?

I can see that, yeah, the, yeah. has led you to the end. Gotcha. You know what I mean? I can see that, yeah, the, yeah. It's tough sometimes. So, have that feeling? Yeah. Yeah. I know what you're talking about. So, the animation absolves you of all that guilt.

Well, yeah, because you don't have to, it's sharp. Sure. Because it's not real. It's not real. I don't need to, I don't need to participate in a culture of abuse to get off on this, which I'm fine with sometimes. I think, all right. Like fair enough. Yeah, that's, I mean, I don't know.

And then sometimes it's like, yeah, I really, that's the only thing I want. Yeah. I want to see the look in your eyes. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Soccer though. It's better than football. It's probably more fun to practice for sure.

And anybody could do it. Place of soccer, just kick that ball around. Kick the ball against a garage door. I got in juggle, you know? Okay. With your feet, can't touch it with your hands. That's. So I'm sitting here thinking about this destiny mother fucker.

Oh boy. And how do you remind me of a recent man-lit encounter that I had? Oh. Trying to sell something to this vendor, right? And he's probably five foot two looks like Booth goggles on. And you were also already slightly vision impaired. That's what this guy kind of looks like in comparison to Harry Potter. But this short man is a lawyer

right even if that's not what he's doing right now. But he insists on putting S-quire in his email signature. Bill S for that. That's not square. I didn't know that was a lawyer. How aesthetically small do you have to feel? I have never met another lawyer that actually uses the word as square in their fucking title. How hard are you making up for that height right now, bro? As square.

Yeah. Does sound engineers have like an as-quire that you guys can use. Um, no, I mean, if you belong to a union or something in film, then there's a... S-ag. Well, that's like that's for actors. Oh. Screen actors are all you always use. There's different, uh, there's different titles put after like a...

S-qu choir, man. I would use it. That's choir. If I could, yeah, sure, right? Sound old, timey. Yeah, it's cool. I would like to have, like, I want more. Of course, I'm just a barrister anymore.

What's a barrister? Do they still use that in England? What? As choir? The solicitor or barista? Barista or barista? I don't know. I never know what people from England are talking about.

Like they talk like a Charles Dickens novel. I think those are both. I think those are both. What's a barista? A lawyer, I believe. I'm almost sure. Everybody should have these. Barista or barista.

Yeah. Say R-R-I-S-T-E-R. Okay. I don't know. Look at them. To another desk. Hey, Decaix, I didn't just fucking comment about this. God damn fucking guest city debate bullshit. Yeah, man, I guess it's fucking asshole.

All right, first off, it's like the whole crux of the debate was his argument style, that it turns into some fucking dissertation about Trump and Beckett. Already from the fucking back of my mind. He says his like fucking debate tactic is about like a defeaty emotional tactics by a fact in adaptive reasoning. But then when you point out that the whole black friend argument is fucking retarded and silly, oh, excuse me,

oh, stupid. And he says that the reason why it's not, it's a good argument is because it has nuance and that people can understand it. But if you have to fucking explain your goddamn argument that way, that it's not a fucking good argument. If people already scoff it off, just write up for face value, you're gonna get fucking nowhere as useless. And then also he constantly presses his statements

with so, or it seems, it must be, those are fucking common tactics of fucking softness. And then when he inserts like the extreme as they get to the Laura and all that bullshit, and the biggest thing though is the fucking end when he's talking about the bait and switch shit with trying to reframe the purpose of why people come over. Now you were bringing up a fact. The fact is that illegal come over in a drive down wages for legal residents and then the U.S. exploits

with Blue Bull, which would then lead to poor conditions for all the communities. Yeah, I agree with that guy. It's, I don't know. It seems like everything makes, it just seems like everything should make more sense to people, to everybody. Like, we get it. We don't get each other's sides, right? I get it.

I get what a stereosis is talking about. It's it. That's all you need. Anyway. Hey, Dick. So I'm listening to your episode again, because, well, no homo, but I can't get enough dick. And then I hear that you stand up to wipe your ass.

Yeah. I'm all with you on the fly thing, but I'm going to drop some science on you. Yeah. You have a capillary action. You see, you don't get it clean enough, and it immediately adheres to everything. Well, okay, let me put it in easier terms, okay? When you stand up, everything sticks together, and it's a hell of a lot easier to clean peanut butter off the mouth of the jar that it is to scrape it between the two pieces of bread

now i'm saying it's true it's a good knowledge of it come on for god's sake why don't know maybe that's it maybe that's like a walk a mile in your shoes that everybody needs to try to do it the other way. I'm not biting on this one. I've tried to wipe my ass sitting down.

It's just too much, you know? It's too much. It's like too difficult to cram my hand in there and my arm in there and you can't look at it when you're done. That's a big problem too because I want to look at it. Is that not, is that weird? I'm leaving now. Is that weird to say?

I thought that, like the looking at it is the high point. So people who are sitting down to wipe their ass never get to look at it, right? So what are they wiping their ass for? That's the reason to wipe in the first place is to look at it. You know, otherwise I'll just not rocket that shit. I need to look at the tissue and see what's in it. That's what's making too many, too many, too many good point, too many good points. Too many good points. Yeah, I'm not. You can I have no I need a toilet cam

I need a camera a webcam in my toilet to show me to show and weigh What's come out the shape of it and great it against other men? Yeah, you can get in trouble for that kind of stuff probably Not only on my toilet. I want like of all the things of all the things that have been smarted and I want like of all the things of all the things that have been smarted and Why-Fide the toilet is not one of them and that is fucking dumb. I'm gonna kick start a Wi-Fi toilet that measures your poop and Rate and grades it on color Consistency and size

Sean that's the greatest thing that's ever been invented the show has officially jumped the chart That's the greatest thing that's ever been invented. The show has officially jumped the chart. That's the greatest thing that's ever been invented. Oh, fuck. All right. Don't you think? Hey, this show I just had to come, so fucking pissed. Has nothing to do with you, man. You're the guy who's going to do an event, too. What is with these digin' meters?

No, look, if you're sitting down to wipe your ass, how do you know if you're done wiping your ass? Because you can't see it. Like, I'm not gonna pipe. I'm not gonna do it. I'll wipe my ass and then I'll think like, oh, that's what a great ass wipe. All I needed was that one thing and I look at it,

I was like, whoa, I need another ass wipe. Boom! Boom! Bam! I need another one, but look at it's like, whoa, I need another ass wipe. Boom! Not doing it. Boom! Bam! I need another one, but then sometimes you're like, oh boy, it's gonna be like Mud City. It's gonna be like Casey at the bat down there, right?

Ha ha ha, Mudville. Mudville. Ha ha ha ha, right. Ha ha ha ha, thank you. Wow. What a reference. What a reference. What a reference. What a reference. Hey, did you read the time drunk script that I wrote?

What? Did you read the time drunk script that I wrote last week? No. I wrote that idea I was talking about where I would go back in time. Yeah. I wrote a treatment for it. I wrote a cold episode. I wrote a cold open of the first episode.

Really? Yeah, you should read it. It's funny. It's on the main page. Yeah? Yeah, you should read it, it's funny. It's on the main page. Yeah, I go back in time to stop Hitler by being drunk and making fun of them. And you're like, Al. Oh, okay.

And you go, like, Sean, I've stopped Hitler. Like, why haven't I quantum-leaped? People are calling it quantum creep. Oh, that's good. Pretty good. It's good. And then you're like, oh, sorry, I had to reboot pro tools. Ah, you're now, um, fucking thing. But you, you have to be able to see. That's my point. You have to be able to see if there's poop left that you need to be, we just look, we need a camera.

We need a camera. We need a camera. We need a camera. We need a camera. We need a camera. We need a camera. Clearly the easiest solution, most practical. Today, I make an appointment six months ago to go get my bullshit health care exam. Well, the doctor does is grab your dick and tell you your fat. I know that I'm not a good face. I come back every day and I need to get done by the 30th. Otherwise, I've got to get ass-waped for another 500 foot year of my insurance. He needs to do that to tell him to say that. Well, I told him to hop-roll, we get to work. Oh, we can't forget when they roll with my car. and my cover and and

and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and I'm getting the shit. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, back to the different business of the death now also you have to go to the other desk i go to the other desk what happened you can't put my fucking appointment i made six months ago

oh sir you know you have to come to understand we tried to contact you what about my fucking time you're waiting for your way to get out it's gone dude it's gone it's gone never get it back you can get an appointment but you can't just say oh i'm sorry it's all, you got to understand shit comes up. I say what why do you really say about somebody fucking else then call Somebody's saying it say what you have to leave I was a little bit excited appointment right now today. Yeah, don't do that No, you just get

Fucked on the shirt It's a need to fly my house and nobody give the shit. Yeah, no then title prick That's like a solid inner fault. Yeah, they do. But it's awful. I feel a little bit better now, Rick, so I'm gonna get through the rest of my day. Thanks very much for being in there, buddy. Go and fuck yourself. This is a regular guy.

Good rage. And he went off and had a regular day after that. That's good. That was therapy right there. That was therapy. Yeah, I can just imagine that, you know, him or the doctor coming in, I'm like, oh, Sarah, let's look okay,

deep breath for me, and, you know, it's like, oh, Sarah, let's look okay, deep breath for me. And it's like, oh my God, you're fat. They get off on it. The whole checkup, the whole yearly physical thing is just a scam. The doctors have invented to tell people that they're fat. That's what they did. They're like, oh, I got a good idea.

Grab his dick, yeah. Yeah, I got this doctorate, but I want to just grab dicks and tell people that they're fat. Yeah, that's what they did. They're like, oh yeah. I got a good idea. Grab his dick, yeah. Yeah, I want to just, I got this doctorate, but I want to just grab dicks and tell people that they're fat. Yeah, yeah. Come on, I got him lined up. Yeah. I'm getting paid.

I'm getting fucking paid to go in there and grab this guy's nuts and tell him that he's a big fucking fatso. Yeah. A, did you know that you're a fat ass? Yeah. Yeah. I'm a doctor, I can say fat ass.

Yeah. Hey doctor, hey doctor, anything wrong with me? Yeah, you're big ol' fatso. Yeah. Yeah, look at you, you're fucking behemoth. Things, I know that. That's why, that's why. I'd love to run down to the subway

and go on the Jared diet or something. That's why my clothes have extra in front of them. Extra large. So, so large that there's not even a word to describe, like just call it Leviathan, except the abbreviation is still L. Thanks, Doc. I didn't know I was too fucking fat to live

by the big X, like death, two X's in front of the size of my shirt, you prick. Fuck, and I'm paying for this. And I had to have this. I had to have this yearly medical checkup. Yeah, the stress. The boiler alert. The stress from knowing your undead's door,

probably shortens your life. Yeah. Oh, oh, okay. You just go through life and denial. Like, I'm not that fucking fat. I better just go home and eat a bunch of cardboard or just not eat. Well, I just not eat at all.

Cause that's just as realistic as me eating something healthy after busting my fucking ass all day to feed people that I'm kind of stuck with. Who might as well be anybody. Could be anybody here in this house. Could be a bunch of animated bums, good nothings. Could here a bunch of animated bugs good nothings Come here a bunch of fucking puppets that I live with for all I fucking know my wife and my kids

And I'm here getting a fucking physical from you Telling me that I'm too fat to live. Why don't you eat a fucking brick doctor brick you son of a bitch You know and I skipped work for. I could have just been doing nothing. I Could have just been sitting on a dock of the base smoking cigarettes and Oggling bitches behind sunglasses, but I'm here dealing with your ass and all of your nurses and all of your big Fuck it. All of your your museum to health, you prick's. How do you find energy? I hate the doctor, man.

I fucking hate the, I hate the doctor. I hate going to the fucking doctor. They're all, I know they're just guessing. I could see it in their eyes that they're just guessing. So they don't look you in the eyes when they're talking to you, doctors. They look down at their charts. Look at me in my fucking eyes when they're talking to you, doctors. They look down at their charts. Look at me in my fucking eyes when you're diagnosing me, you son of a bitch.

I was like, and how are you today? Mm, sir, I was like, yeah. Oh, so I think that's right away. I think that's right away. Everything is a problem. What can you, will you tell me what you can fix? Write it down, write down a list of things you can fix. I'll tell you what I have.

And I'll tell you how many of them I have. Yeah. Doctors. Doctors, man. Yeah. Bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. The problem. I think somebody called in about a doctor.

Wait, that guy just did. Yeah. That's how we got on this. Oh, no, wait, here we go. Here we go. I do have a doctor rage. Oh, yeah. Hey, Dave, let me tell you what makes me a rage my doctor This is about a week ago Try to give me medical advice based off a quick bait article I'm talking I

Came into her office And she sees me right where in the book. So instead of asking the first thing she does instead of asking how you're doing or hey how's it going? I mean I went to some city walk in place because I'm in a new

city so I don't have a regular doctor. I don't even know how to get a regular first thing he does is oh you're wearing flip flops just condescending is all hell right from the get go you're wearing flip flops yeah yeah that a problem like i figured it was like a medical thing like oh i should have been wearing so you spent an hour doing your makeup is stupid but on fanat No, she goes, don't you know that flip-flops are going to ruin your feet, ruin your walk,

your stride? I'm like, oh, I didn't. Please tell me more. It's like, no, you're not going to believe me. Look it up for yourself. You millennials, never, like, she didn't say that. she's like young kids aren't gonna listen to me Just look it up for yourself. So she comes at me right away with this bullshit

talking Just like I will sit up later and of course the first thing I look at is like a Buzzfeed article from a day ago So she's getting her info from there trying to give me advice based on Buzzfeed. And because she's in that position of power that that doctor, she sees it. And in her brain it becomes fact. Like it becomes a wall of the land because she was able to read it. Because she's smart. So of course anything she reads is that the belief is that much smarter.

I'm still mad about it. All right, that's a doctor. Yeah, well, yeah, there's the same. The same as everybody else. Any professions got competent and incompetent people. Yeah, they're not aliens. Yeah. The same assholes as everybody else, doctors.

You'd like to think, you'd like to think that generally if you take a group of doctors and a group a randomly selected group that the doctors generally would be smarter. Well, they'll IQ wise. Yeah, yeah, but it still says you're ego. It's you know what I mean, like that kind of stuff. Sure, absolutely. They're not immune to that. I read this thing that said people with high IQs are more likely to either to stand by their belief or disbelief in God. Okay. Right. They just have that bias and they use their IQ to prove that. To support that. Yeah. Okay.

Makes perfect sense. They're more committed to beliefs in other words. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see Aaron Aaron P. AP. Wait, wait, Steven. Hey, Dick Longtime fan here from Ireland. My best friend is getting married on Saturday and we're both patronis and your show keeps us going with all the shit weather we get over here. I know when your Ireland's fucking a great country man. I never been. It's like I really want to to, I'm afraid if I go, I'll never come back.

I didn't want to come back. Yeah, why is it so great? The people are amazing. No. They're just, they're just friendly man. You get, it's, I don't know man, I just never had any unpleasant experiences. They seem to have,

they seem to have life kind of figured out. It's got an incredibly high rate of home ownership. One of the highest, it's got a high rate of a home ownership. Yeah, home ownership. One of the highest, it used to be the highest in the Western world, I think. Really? Yeah.

It's great. It's beautiful country. Beautiful country, awesome people. The food is not near as bad as what everybody's like, it's like Irish food is like English food except bland. Or, yeah, every time I hear one of those memes, just kill yourself, please don't. I got it.

Oh man, no. You're stand up. Ireland's great. I get it. I know in your book, you say the marriage is stupid and I have no idea why he's doing it, but since he's 10 years, my senior and I'm broke, this is the only thing of worth I can do for him.

My name is Steven Fagan. And I'd love if you could give him a shout out on the next show. Thanks a lot, man. Well, here you go. Get married in Ireland. I do wanna go there. Why did you come back?

You ever wanna go there permanently? Yeah, sure. Yeah. I could go, I could be talked into going anywhere permanently. Dick, I'm a mechanical engineer and formally spend a number of years in the waste water industry. Shredder pumps are all very commonplace in wastewater, generally speaking, since people flush all kinds of non-organic waste, there has to be some sort of way to shred those items before

they enter the waste. So this guy's saying that toilet blenders are real and all over the place. You know, we talked about home toilet blenders last week and a week before that. If not, the clarifier, screen presses, et cetera, would just be jammed within 24 hours. Condoms, cotton balls, tampons, we call those things muffins.

Oh, okay, no, I know what he's talking about industrial. He's talking about sewage treatment plants. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. I saw dirty jobs on this. I know all about muffins. So while the shredder toilets are a bit off in technology, the concept. I call it a muffin. So everything you put down the toilet is shredded, blended. We just need them in the home. Yeah. Yeah. We just need them in the home. Yeah.

Yeah. There you go. Ket Rallis says, dick, I've been to multiple elementary schools in different states even. Never once have I encountered this parachute thing you speak of. I hope your teachers weren't Mr. Fogel and Mr. Jackson. Hmm. Yeah.

Exist. Parachutes exist. Earthball exists. Yeah, I know. I know. I know it exists. Parachutes exist. Earthball exists. Yeah, I know. I know. I know it does. Let's see. That doesn't make me think that it's any last dumb. Well, you're in school. Yeah, I'll be doing some dumb from the start.

It is very dumb. But then I miss it. Like I miss being, I miss being stuck somewhere I have to be and being given these moments of pleasure. It kind of takes all the responsibility off you. It does. Like I want. Oh, I have to be here.

I wouldn't be doing lots of other stuff. Yeah. I want to be enslaved. That is my, that is what in my heart, I want. I want to be ruled by this historical figure. Am I wanting to be this slavery is like that? Well, that essentially men want to be ruled. But who the hell am I thinking about?

Wait, maybe you're thinking of Lord of the Rings. I have no idea. I don't know. Anyway. Yeah, it's a weird feeling. I must be drunk. It's of Lord of the Rings. I have no idea. I don't know. Anyway, I don't know. Yeah, it's a weird feeling. I must be drunk. It's the end of the show. Yeah, I did. Haha.

Raging hot truth. Dr. Madcast is unskippable. No, no, no, I can't get off on another day. It's too much. It's coming up on. We've been too long. Three hours. I'm sick.

Okay, I'm sick. That's it. That's it. That's it. See you next Tuesday. Let's do a. Coming up on, we've been too long. Three hours. Okay, let's do it. That's it, that's it. See you next Tuesday. Let's do a bonus episode this week. Yeah, all right. See you guys.

Bye.