The Dick Show - Episode 85 - Dick on Do-Overs

Episode Date: January 16, 2018

Katt Williams chews out Asterios for his $600 invoice, "The Fountainhead" and making furniture with my dad, a "hehe" laugh track, women and Mario Kart, Justin Rupple does impressions in bed, more information on the "Heather" fiasco, getting vicariously rejected, Adam P'nache: Cajun Attorney, who hates swearing, "You're Welcome (For the Snacks)" by Myroom Records, Webber Shandwick puts me on blast, I don't believe Mr. Fancypants buys his own clothes, and I get roasted by a child; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Everybody's levels alright? Yeah, minor, minor's fantastic. I've never had such great levels in my life. But I'm so happy for all of us. Hehehehe. Presenting! Yeah Ah Welcome to dick you want diggin' e dick you love dick you got it. It's the show Where everything is a lawsuit every fucking waking moment of the show,

is a lawsuit coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure. I'm your host, Dick Masterson, the 20 million dollar man with me as always, show on the audio engineer. Hello, Dick, good morning. Hey, what's up, buddy? Good morning, is it? Yeah.

Is it a good morning? It's getting better for me. You know, you know, we have this deal. We have a deal. We have a pact with the Lord. Oh, where we go to sleep. And then the next day you wake up and it's a new day. That's how the pact works. You start over. Your brain starts over. It reprocesses things. it defrags itself, it gets rid of all the shit, it re-remembers the shitty stuff you did as good things that you did. You get a fresh start, you get a do over, every day is a do over. That's what I've always said, except when you wake up drunk, that is a, that is a short circuit of the pact.

It's bullshit. When you wake up drunk drinking, you carry the last day into the new day. It's fucking bullshit. It's the worst groundhog day on earth. It's the worst groundhog day on earth and there's nothing you can do to get rid of it. There should be what can you do to get rid of? You have to keep drinking, which I'm doing right now. There you go.

But it's fucking bullshit, every single fucking time. Yeah. It's bullshit. Every time it sneaks up on me too, like you think I've been doing it for God knows how long, 20 years, I'd learn that at this point you're gonna wake up drunk, you dumb motherfucker, you don't need anymore drinks. You don't need anymore drinks. Look, first of all, if you're ordering more drinks

as an excuse that maybe this time, you're gonna nut it up and talk to the waitress, you're fucking not. You haven't done it eight times already. You're not gonna talk to the waitress this time. Yeah. Stop, you stop drinking. Yeah, there is fucking drink.

Fuck the rape, fuck the date rape straws. I need a glass that tells me I've had too much to fucking drink, because I put my lips on it, and says, motherfucker, you are too drunk to drink. You too drunk to drink, you need to drive home. See, liquor completely obliterates the concept of a future you. Oh man.

You say like, oh no, things will just work out. You know, oh, fuck him. Fuck him. I'll be fine in the morning. No, liquor, liquor, liquor lets me know how much I hate future me. Right. A lot. Right.

I'm gonna punish his fucking ass. I can't hit him because he's through the veil of time. Like that Harry Potter curtain where you walk in and you're dead. I can't hit him because he's in the future. But, did you read Harry Potter? I did not. I don't ever read it. I've seen, it's terrible.

I think I've seen maybe half of the movies. It's what, Harry Potter is what magic would be if women were in charge of magic. Aren't women in charge of magic? Yes. As a comic, it's like de facto. If there was real magic, that's what women would do. Magic is not safe for women.

Oh, because if magic was real, it would be awesome. What's spell one? How do I make my dick bigger? Cool. All right, spell number two. Don't need it. Don't need any more of this shit, actually. Yeah, spell one takes care of the rest of your life.

Yeah, right. Spell number two. How do I make women love me? See spell number one? Yeah, oh, we can't do that. What's the point of all this shit then? Well, you could make a spell where a guy is tickled so much that he falls over. I don't care. I don't want to know this shit. If there was real magic, people wouldn't do it because they're too lazy. Oh, what do you think about that, Sean? If there was real magic, people would be like,

I'm gonna get around to it. Yeah, I'm gonna learn some magic spells. Well, I believe that actually. Yeah. Because there are things that are similar to real magic, or things that you could just do that maybe even can impact your life like real magic. And people are just like, yeah, I'll get to it some ways. Losing weight. Yeah. Oh man are just like, yeah, I'll get to it some.

Losing weight. Yeah. Oh man. Life changer, right? Yeah. And if you're morbidly obese and you lose weight, that almost is magic. Yeah.

It's fucking hard, but magic would probably be hard too. Yeah. Coach, I don't know what this conversation always stuck out to me. Coach was talking about, for some reason he was showing off in front of his wife, I think. Yeah. And he was like, With the bear spray involved. Yeah. He was like, before they were married, he was like,

what if you, what, like, what if you could fly, what if people could fly? Like, what do you think that would, what if you had to learn how to do it? And I'm like, what if you had to lose like a hundred pounds to do that? Would you still do it? Because that's a, there would be people who would just be too fat to fly. Yeah. That's people, there would be people who would just be too fat to fly. Yeah. That's people, man. Yeah.

Uh, all right. Um, I got law, I got a lawsuit, I got nothing but lawsuits on the brain. Uh, yeah. Nothing but fucking lawsuits on the brain. I've had a lot of things. I'm fucking ass off to not just be a lawsuit all the time. Hmm.

Uh, I was out with Keon last night. I think it was a shitty job of, that's why I'm trying. Yeah, okay. Cause that guy, you should see the other guy. He drinks like a fucking tank. He's unstoppable. See the size of that guy?

Yeah, he's like, Keon is, Keon is like a different kind of guy. Yeah, like he's the uber bench, you know? Uh-huh. Like he's just like genetically better than us, I think. Just the size of him and the intelligence of him, the hair of him. Yeah. He's just like a better man.

Yeah, he's pretty cool. And I try to show off by just drinking a lot because that's cool. Yeah. And it's something you can do. It's something I can do, right? Yeah, for sure. I can't do everything else. I can't be a lawyer.

You're the uberman of drugs. I could drink, and I could drink anybody, anybody, and I could outdrink anybody on the face of the earth with style. You know, the difference, because I do it with style. That's true. Yeah, that's true. You know, I'll throw out a passadeade, but I'll turn somebody we like, what the fuck is showing out?

Raiders lost our quotes and he can't even walk. Yeah, what a fuck that is a super villain. Yeah of drinking. Yeah Remember you had a captain Jack Sparrow phase. Yeah, everything turned into a To a pirate accent at one point. A problem around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But God, I think I, but you know what the thing is with, um, it never gets hitting on women, even for other guys, never gets easier. Never gets easier. I think I, I think I stumped, I think I fucked up Keon's, uh, deal with his waitress. He was trying to, he was trying to talk to last night. Really?

Yeah. Because I got the, I got the, I have a boyfriend line and I was like, bitch, I'm not even, I'm not even hitting on you. Yeah. I'm hitting on you for someone else. Do you can't give me that? Yeah. Don't give me that boyfriend shit.

See, I don't think you understand, I don't think you understand the damage. I don't think you understand here. I'm not hitting on you. It's for someone else. No, no, give me bitch. You're misunderstanding. Like I said, never read the books, saw about half of the movies. I get it. You know what else is fuck this tangerine beer that coach gets. He comes over. We did this dictation with this isn't a tangerine beer, but because I sent the other one back. What do the waiters have to say? No, not much. No, not much. He comes over and gets these landmines, like he stalks up on weirdo fruit beers, like their dessert beers for him, I think. I think I've got his number. He comes over and he gets the meat beer,

he gets an aperteep beer, and then he gets a dessert beer. And the dessert beer is always some tangering mess. Like a fruit mess, he gets like a fruit punch IPA. Oh, God. It's disgusting. But then he always plows through the first meals, the first whatever rounds, what are they called when you have meals?

First courses. He plows through the first courses, Mr. Fancy Pants is here in the studio also. It's probably gonna plug his book. No, I can spend it. You don't wanna plug your book? Oh, no, not at all. You don't wanna tell us about your book, is it, try to tell us what your book is about?

It's impossible. Pull that mic a little closer. Get on the fucking mic. I'm gonna get a big sign. I didn't set them up. I'm gonna get a big sign, a big neon sign in the studio that says, get on the fucking mic! It's gonna be a loop, it's gonna fucking mic. I'm gonna get a big sign. I didn't set them up. I'm gonna get a big sign, a big neon sign in the studio that says, Get on the fucking mic! It's gonna be a loop, it's gonna fucking mic!

Get on the fucking mic! Does that over and over again? Welcome to Studio Mr. Fancy Pants, how you doing? Hey, good, are you doing? Okay, good. Is that better, Sean? Yeah, sounds great. That's much better.

Sounds good. Don't ask sarcastically because you were doing it incorrectly. That wasn't sarcastic. Yeah, it sounded a little bit sarcastic. You can't tell. Everything I say is sound sarcastic. But when you spit it, when you put a little stink on the end of it, like you did, is that better, Sean?

Yeah. Then it now, it's a issue. Yeah, we have to escalate things. Someone was yelling at me, so I was, who? You. This is my normal speaking voice through Mr. Fancy Pants. When you're I'm yelling, you'll know it.

All right. I'm gonna try the Stangerian beer, is it absolutely horrible? Okay it absolutely horrible? Okay. There's a lot of nods off camera. Not a scale of one to your book. How bad is it? The book was good. Somebody sent in a review of it. Oh, did they? Yeah. Was it rough or good? I'm not in reading. I was saving it to read in front of you. Oh, God. That's what I do. Perfect.

Oh my God. I thought it was scaring. Yeah, I think it is probably okay. What? I doubt it. I bet it's not. It's probably worse. It's probably accurate.

Oh, no. What? No, I was gonna say it's probably not scathing. Yeah, I know, it's probably like, well, you know, it had some good points and then it, it does. Oh, yeah, worse as far as entertainment value goes. It's probably like very accurate.

That's the worst, the worst kind of, the worst thing you can read is something that's very accurate. And you're just like, oh, I'm just gonna close the computer and go, hang around outside and like kick. I'm gonna go on my driveway and kick some gravel around. That guy's pretty right about me. See, and if you're saying that, it's bad, because I'm more sensitive than you are. I'm telling you, man, there is a worse thing to be than bad.

And that is true. And there's no feeling, you don't get that in your life because either you have somebody buttering you up for bullshit, like wanting your penis, wanting to get your cheek out of you, women I'm talking about. Your essence? Yeah, or the same women screaming at you. There's never an in between where some,

doing things on the internet, doing anything, putting anything out is like suddenly turning the entire internet into your dad, where they all just have very accurate, very accurate descriptions of who you are, and what you're doing and why you did what you did, and what your thing is all about, and where it could have been better.

Yeah, that's probably true. I feel like honesty is probably the thing we, it's the worst thing. It's the worst thing, man. It is it's the worst. It's the worst. It's the worst thing, man. It is the absolute worst thing. It's a comp, it's a sick compulsion that should be vilified like all the other primitive compulsions we have, fornicating, murder, every other vice, honesty belongs on that list. I 100% agree with that.

And everything that we've developed as a species is to combat honesty. Is that this sick need we have to be, keep it a hundred, as Denzel would say. Yeah. In his young person dialect. Mm. All right. Mm.

Hahaha. Denzel. Ah. I made dickles this week. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna put them up. I'm gonna put them up, but probably by the time this launches, I'm gonna have dickles up.

Cool. I don't wanna say what the URL is because then everyone will go hack it before I lock it down. Yeah, I don't say anything like that. But there's gonna be dickles. This week, this is the year of the dicklet. Yeah.

Yeah. Um. Oh, I made some furniture. Will you put that away? I't stop the the dildo. I can't stop touching it The size of it you want to hold it. No, I'm good Randy's here too. I was drinking it. Yes, he last night too Really see he looks pretty good It's cuz he has you know some modicum of self control there and that's yeah, why do you look no? Why are you so good? Why do you look good? You drank all the spirits? You just drank a lot of water. God, I fucking I fucking hate that fucking discipline. Oh you got yeah

Oh, you got a drink water really this is I thanks for the thanks for the fucking how much do I owe you? Yeah, that's when I That's those are my two those are my new slogans of 2018. How much do I owe you? That's when I, those are my two, those are my new slogans of 2018. How much do I owe you? And thank you for your service. And so like, I'll read, I read these comments on the internet that drive me fucking, and I know this is a universal problem and it's not just me because I see my fucking dad

going on like Senators Facebook's and leaving trolling, like I'll see it. I'll see my dad. I'll be scrolling on the book on the Facebook. And I'll see my fucking dad's face pop up. It's like, oh, Kamala Harris says this, this, or what's your name? Whoever the Maxine Waters, is that a woman? Is that a Congresswoman? Yeah, see her and then I'll see like first comment, my dad and it starts with a pair of my gov. Here he goes. Here he goes with some weird tangent, tangent, tangent,

tangent, tangent, tangent, tangent, tangent, off-shoot, tangential. Tangent, tangential. Unrelated bullshit. Ah. Ah. So I know it's a big problem for everybody, but that's all I'm doing now. Instead of a big asshole response to what you're saying,

I just go, thank you for your service. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for serving democracy with your dissenting opinion. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Right?

There's some sarcasm. And the other one is, what did I say the other one was? Thank you for your service. And how much do I owe you? How much do I owe you for that one? Right. Well, you got to drink some water. How much do I owe you?

How much do you value that opinion? Right, right, right. I know I had something to rage on. So I was building some furniture with my father. Mm. Slot furniture. Slot furniture. Yeah. Slot furniture. I'm not sure I know. No screws. No screw. And Mr. Fancy pants. Okay. He knows a lot about this kind of stuff actually. No, just asking. What do you know about building furniture? We're talking about like IKEA stuff here. What? What? You don't know. What do you know

about building furniture? Have you ever built a furniture with your bare hands? Probably, probably not. What type of, well I've done IKEA stuff. Slot front. IKEA stuff is not, doesn't it count? That's like Legos for women. Thanks for making an asshole. I love making an asshole.

Yeah. What do you, what do you think this guy does? He's like a lumber. You see this guy do like fucking tile work and like hard-skilled and all that kind of shit. No, this guy, you know what the fuck he's doing. What do you do? Get on the mic.

Get on the fucking mic. He's fine, I need you to yell. No, we did my whole backyard. Like all the hard-scape, everything. Who's we? Me and my dad. You guys did tile work and stuff like that? We have a tile bathroom, is that sort of stuff?

Brick work? Brick work, yeah. Yeah. Slum stuff, that sort of stuff. Slum stuff like that. What have you have titled bathroom? Is that sort of stuff? Brick work? Brick work, yeah. Yeah. Slum stuff and that sort of stuff. Slum stuff. Yeah. What else you do? You ever build stairs?

No, why would it... Stairs that, oh, no, I haven't done that. You haven't lived till you build stairs. It's fun, yeah. Yeah. All right, I was building some slot furniture. It's just plywood furniture that's easily disassembled. Right? You see it all over.

It's basically like, you know those little stand-up dudes, little paper dolls or whatever, and then they have a slot in the bottom where you turn another thing and stick it in so they stand up. So it's like a little X. A little base. It's furniture constructed entirely on that principle. It doesn't sound sturdy at all. No, I was sturdy.

Oh, man, you guys are about to get stumped so fucking, I went up to my dad's, to my parents' place, because he's got all the band saws and all the equipment because no one will buy it for me for Christmas or my birthday. They buy me fucking shoes. I mean, they don't want you having a bandsaw? No. And Tangerine beer in the fridge? mean, they don't want you having a bandsaw? No. And Tangerine beer in the fridge?

No, they don't want me to have nice stuff. Two great ideas that are even better together. So I go up there because they got all the, all the, all the, all the, all the sawing equipment. Yeah. Same fucking reaction. Hannah build the slot furniture. My dad, well, where does the screws go?

No screws. There will be no screws. Well, okay, but I'm just gonna, you just need a couple screws, right? I get it. I get what you're going for. I said, you know what, man? I don't even care about what you're telling me right now.

There was a point in my life where I'd really feel the need to defend myself, but I am the fucking fountainhead now. I don't care. I'm building this slot furniture. I'm't care. I'm building this slot furniture. I'm building this, I'm building this slot furniture for my electric piano and there's nothing you can do to stop me. Oh, it's your slot furniture. It's my slot furniture that I built. The piece of pie. That's not the world though, Sean. It's whatever you want to do. There's

always people trying to tear it apart. I know. And rip into it. I know. And suggest it. I got my dad in one year saying, well, we're just going to put some, we're just going to put some screws in it. We're going to sturdy it up a little. But I said, motherfucker, this is the plan that I have developed. I've thought of it.

I laid it all out on this piece of paper. I got the motherfucker at lows to cut it all out. This is what I'm doing. I'm not deviating this. Then I got my mom on the other ear. We're just gonna stain it. How about you just put a little stain on it. It's fun. It's gonna really bring out that wood if you put some stain on it. I'm not staining it. I'm painting it fucked. I'm painting fucked up things on it. Your mom says like Jack McBray or. So it's like Kenneth from the 30 Rock You know, she doesn't sound like that in real life.

She sounds like Peter Griffin. Oh, yeah, we're just going to stain it. I can't stain it, Chan. Chan, Chan, what are you doing? So how many pieces is this thing in it? Four, it's four pieces. And you know what, I built it, I built it, and they were naysaying me the whole time,

and then I put it together, and that thing is solid as a fucking rock. It cannot be fucking move, Justin. Come on in, please sit down, sit down. It can't be, it's the most solid thing. You can hit it with a car. Your car would get fucked up. Mr. Fancy bands. I know what we're doing after this.

What do you think about that? The rubs. What's up? I'm gonna brighten you up. I forgot to turn on this light. Cool. Ooh, that was The rubs. What's up? I'm gonna brighten you up. I forgot to turn on this light. Cool. Ooh. That was a morning go.

Oh, it's bad. The morning is going. The morning is going how the night went. Oh, jeez. Which is drunk. Oh, well. Nonsense. It's a cool.

Isn't that the point of getting drunk? The point of getting drunk is to put a is to put an end on the night. But when you wake up, still drunk, you've it's the full you can't be fooled again. That's what I'm saying. I'm fooling it what. Yeah. I'm still drunk. I think that's what's happening.

All right. I've had a lot of a lot of requests for you to come back on. I'm sure. I think that's what's happening. All right. I've had a lot of requests for you to come back on. I've got everybody ready for the impressions. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, for just you. Oh. And it's all, it's all chicks.

For example, Jamie Lennon Hughes right there, every fucking week. We can have, we can have that guy. What was his name? Like, you fucking know his name. Don't pretend that you didn't know. You know what? He was on, I mean, right after we started doing him from the bunker, I think. This was a long time ago. You were your last. Yeah, it was, it was a minute ago. It was at least a year or so ago, right? Yeah. Yeah. Good to know. I actually, because of you, I know which

people on the Reddit are girls that are fans of the show. Because usually you don't know, and you kind of try to suss them out, but you don't want to ask because then you lose. Like if you ask a guy that, yeah, good. Okay. I'm, listen, I'm glad to be of service and, uh, and that's the service. Yeah. It's servicing. Yeah.

Exactly. Check out this wiggly dildo that we have that, know, at least as a man, you know that you're like, listen, if someone's that big, it doesn't stand on its own accord. You know, like the weight of it, the weight of the responsibility of a dick that size, it's like, it's like, it's like Spider-Man. You know, great dick, it's great responsibility. Yeah, and the responsibility is not being held. It's just, that's just, that's like an antenna on a 1970s car.

That's like a dotsin antenna. Well, the amount of blood that would require is... I'm assuming he would be more than a human body. Yeah, listen, listen, listen, I can fuck you. Or I could pass out. Yeah, it was one of the two. It's, or the both. So, it's very impressive.

If I had a dick like this, I would never drink again. If everyone had a dick like this, there wouldn't be wars. That's the end of it. That's why I'm talking about with Harry Potter. If it was a, if it was a realistic book, it would just be, oh yeah. Chapter one, everyone had a dick this size, the end. And Voldemort didn't give a fuck. And why could any grow his nose back if he

had magic? I feel like it'd be come on arms race at that point though. Then they'd keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Everyone would be as big as an arm. That's right. Yeah, exactly. It would be like robot jocks where we'd send out our biggest dick guy in Russia. We'd send out their biggest dick guy and they would do like the Haka, you know, blah, blah. Once plastic surgery gets good enough, that will be the end of war. They'd be like, listen, we all get a 15 inch dick and that's it.

And then they'd be like, we all have it. We all, oh yeah. Yeah. It's like, that's the beer or something. Basing that's it. I think we've talked about that. Like, what would happen if there was nanobots and everybody was as good looking as Justin and Sean, Justin Ruppell and Sean and all the women were as hot as Lacey and

Jay Meal and he like what would happen? It'd be the end of humanity. No one would fuck each other every again. That's it. It would just be home master. It's just be looking at mirrors. Just like I could do this any day. You know, like that's that's got to be what's going to happen. If everybody genetic engine know, like that's, that's gotta be what's gonna happen. If everybody genetic engine cut forward, like 600 years, everybody gets to pick exactly what they look like. It's, everybody's gonna be like, you're hot, I'm hot, who cares, you know, like that's the end of it.

Yeah. The whole point of having, you always try to be better, and if everybody is exactly the same, you're gonna be in serious trouble. Instagram is gonna suck. But it'd be what your parents, the most depressing thing I've ever heard. It's absolutely true.

That's society of supermodels, society of the Lord. Well, anytime you get, when everybody gets exactly what they want, that is hell, right? But it's still, no, I think that the magic of the brain is being able to find a problem with everything.

That's right. Because it'd be like what your parents picked as the hottest thing in the world, like my fucking eyes aren't as blue, as they gave me this stupid butt chin and you'd have like six chicks. So it's all just about presenting your parents. That's all life is.

Yeah. Life is all about presenting your parents. That's the meaning of fucking life. That's a lot of it. You just fucking discovered, John. You know what? It's absolutely fucking, let me tell you something, let me tell you how fucking true that is. Oh no, I know how true that is.

I got fucking, I got roasted, I got hoisted by my own petard for the first time ever. But you weren't going to say that word anymore. Oh, that was a really bad pun. But, oh, Rita. God damn, you are really, you are singing at multiple dimensions now. Oh, that was bad. No, it wasn't bad. That's very sophisticated. Oh, your drunks, stop it some more.

I am drunk. Thank you. That's also what I do when people say something negative about me. I say, thank you. Thank you. No, I have gained weight. Thank you very That's also what I do when people say something negative about me. I say thank you Thank you. I have gained weight. Thank you very much. I have been noticing my fucking my cleaning lady I had to sit Consuelo, you know, yeah my cleaning lady right who's got the cancer. Yeah, John I don't bring us down, but no, no, that's true. She's got the cancer

My cleaning lady I'm giving her a ride to the subway because I'm a nice guy. Right. You know, pay her slightly below minimum wage, no big deal and I give her a ride to the subway. Makes up for it. I'm getting my house, no big deal. I'm the good guy in this situation.

Clearly. I'm giving her a ride to the subway. To the subway by the way. Yeah, exactly not a lot of it. Everybody picked up on that. Listen, I'm giving her a ride to the public transportation stage. Yeah. That's what it's for. That's right.

That's what it's for. I want to do my part and conserve gas. Yeah. Or whatever. The subway store. Did you put a blanket in the back of the truck for? And then everything? Yeah, she writes in the back.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I put when she gets in, I put those wooden side panels in. Yeah. On the side, you know, you are Bill McNeil from News Radio. Listen, I'll drive you. Yeah, you said that. Yeah. I'll drive you home.

But I'll drive you to the subway station. And then I'm reducing my carbon footprint. By the way, your footprints are on my carpet. That's just wanna point that out. Yeah, I do, she's got a little, I'm masking tape off a little space where she's allowed to put her stuff when she comes in with her purse and, you know, with like that blue

tape, my adiqu- my adiquate-acquacity, you know, it's no bounce- Um. So I'm giving her a ride to the subway and I'm complaining about how sore I am because Jamie's making me work out. She's a trainer, did you know that? Yes. And she does like, Sean, I'm telling you, listen to me. Yeah.

I don't want to like just shamelessly plug Jamie's website and services or whatever. But she does this thing, Jamie Lynn Hughes, does this thing where she makes all the food for the week in one day, and then you just eat that food all week. It's like, I feel like you're oversimplifying it though. No, she will, she makes it. I've heard terms like meal one thrown around.

No, no, no, no, no, no, let me sell it to you correctly. Make all the food for the week on one day, and then you just eat whenever you're hungry, you just take handfuls of the food. I'm pretty sure that's not how it works. That's how it works. That's how it works in this house.

And you're like, it's fucking, it's fucking Justin. Have you ever? Yeah, it sounds like the way in Nor Mcdonald would eat food. Oh, hi. Thank you very much. Yeah, thank you. It does have a pile of food, hi. Thank you very much. Thank you. It's a pile of food. Yeah. Yeah. I can't control my impulses. Yeah. But asshole. So anyway, I just ate from exactly what they tell me to. Yeah.

And oh, I'm losing weight because, yeah, I'm not eating an idiot. Yeah. And, uh, it's smart. It is smart, by the way. That is the way you should do it. It's no exactly what you're gonna eat all week. It's fucking great. You don't have to think about it. Right, it takes the guesswork out. Oh, I could just think about the lawsuit. Smart people are making your decisions.

And you're like, listen. People who like me are making my decisions. I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm making decisions for myself. I'm like, every day I wake up and think how I can fuck me harder. Like, oh, this lawsuit seems like, you know I'm getting sued for half a billion dollars.

Did you know about that? Is it a pad roller? What's going on? You gave that pep talk to that guy, Maddx, and then he turned around and sued me for a half a billion dollars. Literally a half a billion dollars. I'm being sued. Me, me, Asterios, this guy who does an impression on my show, I'll see you better

fucking watch it. Yeah. Patreon, Weber Sandwick, a big PR company, my real life company that I started, like that I've been doing my whole fucking life. I don't life, yeah. Yeah, my whole fucking life, my real job. All getting sued by that guy, Maddox, this former internet personality saying that you took his something, what?

I saw we don't have enough time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a 55 page document on things that I've done wrong to fuck him over. There's a lot of videos, like independent lawyers going through this kind of stuff and basically laughing it off the plan.

Just to be funny, it's like, it's ever happened. It is. He's doing his greatest work. He's doing his greatest work. I mean, it's literally like when Daffy Duck keeps getting upstaged by Bugs Bunny and then Daffy ends up saying like, he drinks nitroglycerin and explodes and the body's like,

great as fucking thing actually. Yeah, the only problem is like, it only do it once. Yeah. Well, like, great as fucking thing. I was like, yeah, the only problem is I can only do it once. Yeah. Well, look, that's the fucking love living in a cocktail. Somebody pointed out to me yesterday that Maddox thinks he's doing, he's taking this very seriously

and everything is perfectly crafted and everything. But what he is doing is he is making the room. That's the room. The room, he's making the movie. The movie, the room. The movie. The room. Yeah, that's crazy. This is a master work and everything is perfectly laid out and calculated, but he's making the room. Do you have any impressions for the room? No, you're killing me, Lisa. Your kid. I didn't see it. So how about now? I didn't. Don't see it. Don't see it. No.

Don't be like them. Don't enjoy someone's failure. I, that's the thing. You know what, if you want to go see the room, just go kick a retarded person. Like, here's the funny thing. It's like, they're like James Franco won for this. You know, he's like, oh, it's a great accomplishment. And I was like, so you just,

you couldn't make an original movie on your own. Yeah. What you decided to do was make a two hour diss track of somebody who found the funding, found the motivation. Who did it? Who did it? And everybody in Hollywood loves it for whatever reason they do.

Goals. And he's like, I'm gonna get my golden globe for this. I was like, really dude? That's really, I should feel a little bad about it. He should feel bad every day. Anytime they would, you can't write an original screenplay because that's an original screenplay. That is a, I mean, it's a copy of a copy.

It's like, it's an inception screenplay. And, you know, if you make something original, I don't care what it is. You get props in my point. Anything original. Anything, I don't give a shit is. You get props in my point. Anything original. Anything, I don't give a shit. And every time you see some sort of troll taken out, it doesn't matter who the critic is.

Like I'm gonna go after this person who made this album, this movie or this TV show. All I wanna ask is, what did you show the world? Yeah. Is it this? Is it just this, the criticism? Well, and that's always the argument. You know, why critics are never at the level,

should never be taken that seriously. Yeah, because they're all really respected. They didn't throw anything out there. If you want to throw something out there and be judged, then find, say whatever you want. But if you won't say anything or put your uniqueness out in the world to be criticized, then you're just a coward throwing rocks in the stands.

Yeah, I agree. Yeah, no. So the stance. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, no. So the internet. Yeah, exactly. So I was giving Consuelo a ride to the show. I was saying, oh, it's a call bag, ever back on this. And I had to listen to a minute of her trying to figure out

how to tell me I'm fat, because she doesn't know the words for it. Wow. Because I was complaining about being sore because Jamie was making me work out. And I'm like, I'm all so angry. She's like, oh, well, that's good. You won't be sore when you are in a mall, a basil. How come I say these days?

I'm like, you're trying to say I'm fucking fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when, when, when, when they're saying, is any, you know, you're an embedded, uh,

a, a, a, a shape. Yeah. A shape. I'm like, are you fucking telling me that I'm fat in my own fucking, you're fucking fat, you bitch. This is,

I'm telling me I'm fucking fat. I'm gonna have to cancel that. She's supposed to be. So how'd she get to the subway? How you saying? She's drama off right there. I rolled her ass down. Yeah. I dropped her off and I straight to a young young donuts.

Yeah. I ate a two bear claws. I guess like Kimo's not taking her since a humor, huh? Yeah. Yeah. The Kimo's turned her into a real asshole. Oh, I see. Yeah.

What do you mean up to, Rob? We missed you at the LA show. He sent your friend. I did. I hope he had a good time. He did. People are not kind. He said, he said, that was a wild one.

He came back and said, that was crazy. That was some crazy stuff. It's like this fan ship. I was like, yeah, absolutely. I sent him into the Wolfsden. I knew that. And part of me was a little happy about it. You know? Because he's the guy take on the road with me to bring up. What is his name? Alex Mandelberg. Alex Mandelberg. Alex Mandelberg.

Oh, that was Alex for the... Oh, the opener. I got you. Right, exactly. He was cool. No, that was Alex for the, oh, the opener, I gotcha. Right, exactly. He was cool. No, he was and he was cool. He was cool. He also, so he's like six, seven years in and I'm like 12 years in. So I was like, oh, you should go do the stick show.

Yeah. I'm going to do it. I'm like, you do it, man. Just like do it. Bring that in things again, man. Oh, man. Talk about it. That's like, you guys got a little gang called the fuck your buddy, huh?

I just wanted videos, what I wanted, that's a, you guys got a little gang called fuck your buddy, huh? I just wanted videos when I wanted, because I have that. Do you? Yeah, please give it to me. Okay. Please, because I want to see how it went. But it's, you know, audiences like that are tough. If you don't, if you don't show that alpha male sense,

then you can't control that or alpha female, then matter, you have to, you have to literally grab the audience by the dick and be like, no, no, no, no, it's my turn now. And it's a constant battle too, because every once in a while, someone will pipe him. I got a freak going to give you. Yeah. Never heard that happen.

That happens. That happens. That happens. That happens. Show. Oh, yeah. Do you think I'm making shit up? No.

Well, maybe. I just went to an open carry state. It happens. Where? Texas. You went to Texas? Texas, everybody was side-saddled with a piece. And one guy said, I did a joke that didn't work well.

And he goes, so, okay, buddy, we got you. Ha ha ha. Wow. And he's just kind of like, paths his side. And I'm like, yeah, bet. And then when everybody has it too, they're all like, oh, shit. Then no, we were all somehow I turned into Hank Hill. Uh, I think we're all going to be okay. We all have weapons. That's just going to be

good. This is better be funny, motherfucker. You know, it's crazy. I've never been to an open carry state where it was just coming in the door. Really's crazy. I've never been to an open carry state where it was just coming in the door. Really? Yeah, I'd never, why me in Arizona. Have you shot a gun? I have not. You have not shot a gun.

No, wait, are you from here? No, I'm from Seattle. You're from Seattle. The reason I happen is the same reason I don't do Coke. Cause I know. Oh, you gotta do Coke too. I know, I know I'd like it. It's the problem.

Like I stick the weed because I'm like, this is just enough. Well, weed is the most dangerous of drug. How is it the most dangerous of drug? Because dude, we will set you, we will put you in, you know, in Shawshank redemption, when Tim Robbins gets sent to the hole for a month, that's weed. No other drug will send you into a timeless oblivion with yourself. It's everything else is just fun and too much fun. Weed is another animal. He's really dick is really anti-anxiety.

It should be illegal. It should be illegal 100%. Yeah, it is. It's more dangerous than any 1930s propaganda. It's more dangerous than any 1930s propaganda. It's more dangerous than any woman. Oh God, you're attacking to someone who's so high right now. I don't know how to tell you. That's crap. We're really dead. Yeah. Well, voice story come out unless you have. You never done crosswords before. We call it coke. Codes crosswords. Yeah. Here's why here's why because I don't do

Sedoku is the numbers Molly. Oh, oh shit. That's right. You like what's about? Yeah Here's why because everything on if if you're smoking pot you have the you have the inner monologue going this might not be a good idea Whatever yeah, yeah, you're ideas your ideas might not be good ideas like you Whatever. Yeah, no, no do coke because he might like it, but speed is fine. Dude, because speed. Starring Keanu Reeves. Yeah, exactly. I've done everything except for heroin

and I've done all the psychedelics, but nothing about coke. I was like, it kills the people I looked up to. That's like the big problem. I'm like, yeah, but then. They were really funny. And then they big problem. I'm like, they were really funny. And then they're done. I'm like, well,

that's a thing with comedians, you let them live too long and they start suing people. Like if Maddox had died two years ago, he'd be very resp- even a year ago, even right before he did the Dick Lies video. Yes. He'd have a beautiful legacy, you know? Everyone would love him.

You die here or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. Exactly. Yeah. I forget why I started talking about drugs. I was talking about my love of pot and how much you ate it, so that's a good story for us. No, no, Sean, we were talking about open carry. Oh, right. You never shot a gun.

No, I haven't shot a gun. Do you not like guns? No, I like guns. Open Carry. Oh, right. You never shot a gun. No, I haven't shot a gun. Do you not like guns? No, I like guns. I mean, I've owned the replica guns in my life, because I watch movies like an adult. What do you mean you owned replica? I mean, like the toys. The toys, like the airsoft pistols.

Yeah, call them toys, yes. The toy. Right. Right. I own action figures in replica pistols. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Are you listening to your pal?

You paying attention here. I used to get the replica guns from the movies. You're not saying it's that they had the orange tips on it, but they weren't an orange tip. I got in trouble for shooting one of my friends with one of those guns from the cops. That's so. You got trouble by the cops?

By the cops and cops. So one of my friends pulled up to the house and I had broken the orange tip off the front Cuz the orange tip is stupid. Yeah, it's it's stupid right? It was it looks like a toy. Yeah, it was a desert eagle desert eagle point five You know, it's you see did you see snatched and then why do you think I got it? Yeah Mind you know says replica, Maul says, does it ego 0.50, right? Anyway, so he shows.

Have you ever done your voices in bed? In bed? In bed, my wife will not allow that. Yeah, that's a no, that's right. When we say they don't want something, that's when they want you to do it. There's only one I can do in bed for and it's Ryan Reynolds because she's like, he's on the list.

Every other one of the guys, she's like, I'm not bed for and it's Ryan Reynolds. Because she's like, he's on the list. Every other one of the guys, she's like, I'm not having sex with him. But Ryan Reynolds. She's not having sex with Cat Williams? No, she's like, Let's have Bobo. I want you to spread your legs and let me come inside. And I mean that both literally and metaphorically.

It's never, no. Yeah. But if I do Ryan Reynolds, which is just like, Jamie loves, she's probably wet right now. Excuse me, I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that was disrespect. So Ryan Reynolds would be like, she loves cat Williams. Hey sweetheart, here's what's gonna happen.

Daddy's gonna take his shirt off and then, uh oh, I'm gonna play around with my own balls for a second. If you wanna play around with your finger bangle or whenever you call your thing, you can go ahead and do that. But I'm just gonna play with these tiny swollen marbles. Yeah.

Dead pool. Well, there's gonna be a pool. And it's gonna be dead because sperm don't live that long. Like, she can shingle that. I can do that. Now, what does Vence Vaughn say in response? No, that's weirdly accurate too.

Yeah, that's right. What does Vince Vaughn say? I imagine he'll be able to do that. Vince Vaughn, he's just taping in the corner. Okay, you don't say nothing to him, he's just running the video tape, okay? He's gonna be selling it on a website later. www.Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool, pool scene.

It's a pool scene. Yeah. pool pool scene. It's a pool scene. Please don't assume we've been sworn. That is like weirdly what Ryan Reynolds would say. Yeah. You do a Ryan Reynolds by doing Ace Ventura just really sexy. So like Ace Ventura would be like, I have a package for you, sir. I bet it was something nice though. And just take that down to sexy level and go, I've got a package for you, sir. I bet it was something nice though. Because they're both, they're both Canadians. They're both, they're both Canadians and they're both. Oh, and all Canadians are this pretty much the same. Hey, how are you? Yeah. That's what's happening.

Yeah, they have that sound to it. It's a shit hole country. Oh, no. Oh. Oh. Good times and great thought is and stuff. I love all to what. Never got to get you to shoot a gun.

Oh sure, I mean, look, you know, not your replica. Right. Right. I should, here's the, here's the end of that story. I shot my friend, he was a ballistic gear on his motorcycle. Cool. And from my third deck, I was like, hey, does this hurt? Yeah.

Beams off and he reverses and calls the cops. And the cop knocks at the door and he's like, all right, I'm coming inside. And I'm like, all right, so he comes inside and he's like, let's see the gun. So I hand him the gun toy and I hand him the toy. And he cocks it back and he points it at a skinned point blank and goes, I think we're gonna drop the charges. I'm sorry to bother you.

And I was like, it just, that was it. That was the close I ever got. I'm like, I guess I'm not doing this. So I've like, it just, that was it. That was the close I ever got. I'm like, oh, I'm just, I guess I'm not doing this. So I've never shot it. What, what do you want? You were talking to your friend again? No, no, he was, he was my drug dealer. Oh.

That was the irony. That was the irony. I mean, why would you call the cops? Strange relationship. What the fuck are you doing? How you doing? I'm calling the cops when you had a gram of coke, a gram of weed, two tablets of LSD, you stupid motherfucker. Shouldn't have been calling the cops when you had a gram of coke, a gram of weed, two tablets of LSD,

you stupid motherfucker. Shouldn't have been calling the cops. Shouldn't have done nothing in the first place. Wait, can you chew out somebody as cat? Well, yeah, we had this comedian, Astero's coconose. He works for this show. He's also getting sued for half a billion dollars. Oh, no.

However, he also listeners, fans of the show, musicians, put together a charity album to fund his legal defense. Justin, these are all real things that are happening. Yeah, none of this is right. None of this is exaggerated or made up. And anyway, I'm scared. What's going on here? Yeah.

Yeah. So, but, but we did a live show where the guy who's suing us, we had an impersonator read a, please get back together with me love letter that he wrote to an ex-girlfriend who supplied me with the letter. And, but that's irrelevant. I'm just filling you in on the deeds on the hotgo us as we call it. I didn't do that on one of the shows, did I? No.

All right, cool. This guy, Asterios, invoiced me for, in one day, he invoiced me for the show. He traveled to Chicago from New York to do this comedy show. He invoiced me for $600. 200 of which was food. Like multiple yogurts, he went to the airport five hours early just to eat and charge

me and send me the bill for the yogurt parfaits and bagels. He landed, he went from Chicago back to LaGuardia, stopped when he got home, got more yogurt, invoiced me for that yogurt and then went home. Wow. 200 bucks for the yogurt? 200 bucks for a food. Activate. A food. A food.

A food. If Kamala can just get you him out, I would really, it would be worth the $600 for me. Let's say a Austerios. Let me tell you something, okay? Coconut, Austerios. The opinions and thoughts of being expressed are of nobody's opinion. Let me just start with that.

My legal team was required to say that number two. I don't care if you get an oikos, no yo play. I don't care if John Stamos is feeding you the yoga. That's never a reason for two to three hundred dollars with a yoga motherfucker. Nobody is that clogged up. That's some live culture. All you need to do is get yourself some fiber. You get yourself some fiber pills. You don't need to worry about no oils. You don't need no Jamie

Lee Curtis to tell you about what's living in your intestines. I understand that you got an invoice for something but 600 is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I went all the way. I went all the way to Australia. I said you can just do it for two lollipops and a lift. You give me to the lift to the airport. Them lollipops I'll shut the fuck up. I don't say nothing after that.

Oh shit. Now I'm scared. What the hell is going on with that? Well, you're scared of the lawsuit? Well, I'm scared for you guys, and I don't, you know. Don't be scared, we deserve it. We have having too much fun. Yeah, too much fun.

At this point in my life, I'm getting real fucking weird, man. And I'm convinced that it's the fun having that's what people are pissed about. Screwing everything up. That's what gets shut down. The law doesn't matter. There's no such thing as the law. They write these stupid rules down for slaves,

for people who need rules to live by, and they look at these laws and go, oh yeah, if I just do, it's like the Lego movie. And then I'm just trying to be a master builder over here, building the fucking show. It's not the analogy I expected. Wait a second, wait a second. In this scenario, you wanna be Will Ferrell's character

in that movie. I'm Lord Business. Yeah. Don't touch my fucking like I, you son of a bitch! You say I worked my whole fucking life to fill this basement with Legos. All of my Legos are here. Don't fucking touch them. You get your own Legos.

You piece of crap. I walk around with stills motherfucker. What do you have? You're like four feet tall. You don't know anything. Building a Lego cap. He says to his son. Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do.

Well, I'm gonna go yell at your mom. In defense, that's how you build the next master builder is to just tear down the future, right? Make sure that they have, you know, the perpetrator. You already explained the meaning of life today. You know what? No, no, and I was anger for your parents that this was going to say.

I got hoisted by my own pitard. Oh yeah. In the middle of telling that story, I just dragged a 10 minutes ago. I got to have forgot. I forgot. You were literally the hardest working man. You guys know he's sweating right now.

That's just the account of my fatness in Mexico. No, he's actually not sweating that much. Yeah, yeah, this is better usual, right? This is liquor realizing, this is all the liquor that I've been holding hostage for the night. You gotta get the fuck out of this guy. It's crazy. This is what we're going to get out of here.

He was telling me he was going to drink for a while. I can't some point, but I didn't think it was going to be this much for a while. Can we go to go out and it's fucking plus right now? So how do you get your mother for me, right? So I got got it my nephew's a little Irishman I call him because he's got bright red you got a shock of red hair And he's a little he like in his name is very Irish. He's a little asshole And he's just getting into video games Mario Kart Every time every time I come over uncle. Hey, what's up? Let's video games, Mario Kart. Every time I come over, uncles, Hey, what's up?

Let's fire up the Mario Kart. What do you think about that? Absolutely. Mom doesn't fuck with me when you're playing. Talkin' we Mario Kart or 64, what are we talkin' here? Well, he just got a switch. Oh, that's a nice one. So now we're talking.

The real deal. Yeah. Before he was on GameCube, double dash. I feel like that was the pinnacle of Mario Kart. What? GameCube, double dash. Have you that was the pinnacle of Mario Kart. What? GameCube double dash. It's like, have you played Mario Kart 8? I played it.

I played it. I played it. I played it. Have you played Mario Kart 8? No. Don't talk about Mario Kart, son. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Mario Kart 8 is the dopest Mario Kart.

Is it okay? Yeah. So I'm sitting down with a little motherfucker to play Mario Kart. And he's playing his dad. And his dad's winning. His dad, he's constantly talking shit throughout the whole game. But now he's had a point.

The worst man. Oh yeah. He's talking shit the entire game, Sean. Yeah, yeah. And it used to be where like the last time I played Mario Kart with this motherfucker, he's like exploring. Like he thinks he's playing Link, where he's like just exploring the level.

It's like this exploring the level. It's like this fucking moron is in 12, this guy, this fucking idiot, and I'm telling this story to people. I'm like, you gotta see my fucking nephew play Mario Kart. He thinks it's a game where you get bullet bill and turn it into bullet bill. He calls it bullet bill rocket racing.

He's so fucking stupid. Like that's what he, because he's always in 12th. And you always get to bullet bill when you're in 12th, right? Yeah, you just, yeah, just bypass your way up to 4th. Yeah, and this is what I'm, I'm talking behind his back, and right now I'm realizing that I'm talking

behind this man's back and that it's coming back to bite me in the ass because I shouldn't be doing that. I discounted him. Mm-hmm. I just fucking got, can't raise for shit. Right? Was he really just trying to find the secret paths? No, because he was four.

Yeah. This is all time. It's like nephew I'm thinking like 10. It's your mentor, I mean, he's like, Smother fuckers four. Yeah. It's gotten me fucking dumb as shit. Doesn't know anything about the past.

Or Mario 12. You know, like a four year old wood. Yeah. Doesn't he's five now? No excuses. No excuses. He's five now. And he's racing.

Yeah. For blood. He's racing. And he's telling it the whole time. He's chirping while he's racing. He's getting fourth, fifth now, third, first, he beat 80s girl in a race. In Mario Kart.

He's as good as a woman. At Mario Kart. He's as good as any woman I've ever seen. And he's sitting there saying, his dad's saying he's talking shit to his dad. You suck. You're gonna get last. And Sam goes, oh, I got first. What do you think about that? And he goes, oh, you suck. You're gonna get last. And see how it goes, oh, I got first.

What do you think about that? And he goes, well, you're still a loser. And I'm like, and I started laughing hysterically. And he goes, what's so funny, you laughing loser? And I'm like, oh, you turned them. Oh, turned them on you. The world's in inside. And everybody's laughing at me.

Laughing down at me. Like the opposite of the gladiator, it's like, are you not entertained? I'm like, oh my God, why am I laughing? Like I gotta explain myself to this little boy. And he's just sitting there, no expression, dead eyed, what do you laugh at? What are you laughing at, you laughing loser?

Wow. I guess I can't, I'm sorry, sir. I won't laugh anymore at your 12th at your sixth place. So the whole then for the rest of the race, he's like, God, it's the laughing loser. The laughing loser gets first again. Yeah, he's coming up with good nicknames for him. Dude, laughing loser, he should call you LL from now on. That's what I'm like.

I'm inventing his nicknames. I'm like, no, this is what it feels like. This is why I'm getting sued. Because I deserve this. This feeling is terrible. I deserve it. Mm. The revelations are thick today.

This is fucked. What am I, first of all, I can't respond in kind to this motherfucker because I love him and he's a baby. Secondly, I don't know if I could. I just got labeled as a laughing loser. It's something I do laughing is what I do all the time. All the time. And a loser is something that is weird.

Weird to call someone a childlike. Yes. And I've just been, and they've were linked together with alliteration, Sean. Yeah. Which, yeah, definitely up the game. Oh, we're back to the truth hurting. Yeah.

Laughing loser. Like, nice. Fuck, am I first thought I was like, well, you fucking silver spoon, ass mother fucker. Kids to kids know how to find the soft spot in Batman's armor You know it's so honest. It's like it's not yeah kid like I was in a movie right and then I Can't remember what kid came out to a show and their response was So I haven't seen you since And it wasn't even a bar, but it was just him being honest and I know I know

I work working on it and we're finding some new things Navin is Suppressing coaches talking, but I don't know. Well, movie where you in? I was in Operation Chromite with Liam Neeson, big Korean Warman. Liam Neeson? Liam Neeson. The Taken guy, I have a set of skills. Liam Neeson.

He has a very particular set of skills. On those skills are somehow kicking the shit out of everybody. It's 74 years old. Yeah, that's true. It's very true. I wouldn't be afraid of a 70 year so old. Yeah, that's true. It's very true. I wouldn't be afraid of a 70 year old guy. Dude, it's, it's, it's, it's, when I guess I'm too fat.

Okay, I'm drunk, but I got your daughter. I'm talking to her. What do you, what do you get to say? He's a bad parent at that point in those movies at least, because there's three of them. And every movie somebody takes somebody important to them. They took his, they took his daughter, they took his wife, they took his daughter and his wife and the third one.

They should steal his dick in the fourth one. What happened? Where's my dick? I was just here this morning. Oh, shut up, it's punting. I don't have a particular set of skills. Now I'm missing my cock. I'd be a fun word to hear him say a few times. My cock is gone. What happened to my cock? I would like some cock to fill in on this

box blotch in my apartment. Yeah. That is actually cock. I don't cock. Right? Yeah. Can I have another beer please? I'm going to change. Wait, what? Can I have a beer please? And then change, wait what? Am I completely out of beer? No. I've had almost all the same. Did Jamie Lynn put the beer in the designated things for the food for the week?

No. Beer is my responsibility. Yeah, where's beer falling on the meal? I'll take any beer. Any beer that's available. All right, let me see. It does it does not thanks for coming in by the way, just thanks for having what makes you does anything make you a rage I always ask everybody that absolutely what when the the most infuriating thing in the world for me is I live in Nollywood and people park Not taking they take up too much space when they park parallel parking. And you just like literally, you only have a quarter mile to get in the spots. And now there's four

people parked here because no one knows how to do this anymore, you know? And what's that? That's the wax on wax on. This is the I'm reversing into a parallel parking spot. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thank you. They can't even do it with a goddamn rear view mirror, or the rear view camera, no one can do it. And so I just, I can't, you know, that camera's kind of fucked. Yeah. Like, that camera makes you think that you're better at your car than you are. They aren't even good with that.

That's the, that's the number one issue. That's, I, I can't stand that it's just like, dude, if you just backed up four more feet, then everybody else can park on this street, but I have to park two and a half goddamn miles away. It's the angel's share. Right. They park and they're like,

well, how about that three feet of nice concrete curve? Like that's the angel's share of concrete. It's fine. It's fine. Like I dated this girl who was fucking crazy. She was way more of a rage than me, slightly, in a different way, way more slightly. She was fucking nuts.

And she lived in New York. That happened. She saw that, she saw somebody, parts like that, she goes, she's from Yugoslavia. She goes, this motherfucker gets out of her car and just keys the shit out of the car. And I'm like, huh. And she gets back in like nothing happened.

I was like, it's interesting because that person deserved, I think that that person deserved it too, but what I'm astounded at is your execution of it. Right. Right, the will to just do it. Just go for it. Well, she can with no incentive. She can because someone woman from Yugoslavia, the guy's going to come. What did you, what do you going to say? Nothing. Shit. I heard the accent and saw you. There's no way. Yeah. You've seen some

shit. Yeah. She's from Yugoslavia. Yeah. This is like par for the course. Like you're lucky all I did was, you know, key car. Yeah, she grew up, she grew up riding that too. Could have made phone call, he disappeared forever. We scrapped the car, we sell it for cash. Well, she grew up riding around in Ugo's and survived to adulthood. That's her Ugo, I guess remember the fucking Ugo? Yeah.

$3,995. She ate dogs. She talked about them like they were food. Yeah, really weird. How do you find this huge cans, man? Huge fucking cans. I met this girl. I remember the girl on top.

They're full of bullet shells. Yeah, they're full of bullet shells. I didn't remember until the big cans. That's true. Oh, that's good. Oh, god, she has some amazing cans. Yeah. Oh, okay, that was a good one. Gosh, he has some amazing cranes.

The cans, the cans we lead, right gentlemen? That's all I'm talking about. The cans we lead. Ah, yes, the cans. Anyway, the angel share parking. Yeah. Let me see if the stereosis around. Oh good, now the show will get coherent. Does he tune in? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I better not call but he's from me and I'm point of. Oh, panache is calling in again. It's been a while since we heard from I'm a calling with your complaint about a joke show. Oh, no, Adam Penaish always calls into criticize the show. What is your criticism this time

Adam Penaish? Adam Panache always calls into criticize the show. Uh-huh. What is your criticism this time, Adam Panache? I mean, Ash, who's the williest of boring? You know, seven days given machine of you would ask for not going to smash room with a bikini model, $300 million loss. So, you know, different things given talk. Yeah. Yeah. My complaint is time.

I got an article plate. It's Adam Sandler. Yeah. What's your complaint? My complaint this time I got another complaint Saddam sadly Okay, what's your complaint Keep having a lawyer Nick but don't go don't go on but you're never reached out the old Adam Ponech. I'm a also lawyer Okay, he's not also a lot of finishes also lawyer. What are you a lawyer? Attorney and no, I've got a big piece. Luis. I know I represent a crocodile. Interesting. The big fat white guy who steal a multi-spalked.

Represent a fanboat operator. You're so talented. Smoke. Smoke child. You're gonna go finger-st kid finger off again then I get a beat in the combo. He sounds like a real fucking cage and I can't understand. That's perfect. So don't be your friend, sir, man. You're not gonna be my friend. I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend.

I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend.

I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend. I'm gonna be your friend. Going down blown a kid finger off again, then I get a paid in the combo. It sounds like a real fucking cage And I can't understand Your friend's area you make a photo my accent. I'll show you So what are you recommending you in the bio How do they handle lawsuits in the bot and the buy you For to tell you right now cuz I'm gonna give you some legal advice. Good, thank you. I tell you how to be back a lawsuit, a guarantee.

Okay. What's he, is how do we be back the law? I just haven't. Me, you know, no, I tell you right now. Tell you what you're like. I don't care. You know, you're like, you're gonna lay out. Okay, you lay out. You're gonna say it, yeah.

Yeah. I'm gonna go to a media you'll tell you where the add-on point is on me magical little gays you. Oh no. Okay. You all hear that? Mm-hmm. Now good, there's a good legal strategy.

It's a lack of jump a lot. You gotta mix a lot of things in a pot. You need a dash your why Quarter-couple effort pay respect like a video game for boy In case just miss Yeah, just those two and Louisiana either lawyer can say case dismiss at a time and that in the case Louisiana either lawyer can say case just visit a time and Zed in the case. Oh, that is the case if you say case this may if a lawyer says it. Yeah, we all go drink on a buy you isn't that.

Oh, okay. Well, it sounds like the decent state to practice in. Yeah. It's a good practice. Great. Got your number two. Is a bad man simple. Yeah.

Senator Lise Graham. The director DVD Babylon 5 sequel Babylon 5 of Lost Tales. Up from a score and heart wife. The year 1996. The year 1990. Yeah, gummy bears. Yeah, okay. Raise your mat out, hold him glasses from a major bad out. Are you going to beat just Maddox? I got room tea. Okay. Did Mr. Fancy pants just leave the file a lawsuit? What's going on?

Well then he went to flush the toilet too, not in like fully understanding that all the pipes go through this room. Yeah. Thanks for fucking lying, Mr. Fancy pants. You still got a lot to do here for ruining the audio. Yeah. There we go. Well, that's a, that's good, that's good legal advice Adam Panache. Yeah.

I'm giving you even more legal advice. I have two more list of it. Okay. Okay. With our annual Pornacius Cross examination guide. Uh-huh. Okay. I don't want to be a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid.

I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. It's always the gate.

It's always the fucking gate. Fucking kidding me. Yeah. I got the input sensitivity turned all the way down. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, a retarded. Okay, look, should I just make this a bit and just leave it as a bit instead of a call to you? Hey. All right. How come we can't play that audio that you don't want me to play?

Who was your talking back? I got to go. Hold on, hold on, come back, come back, come back. No, no, no, no. I'm gonna see your later, I'm gonna go. No, no, no, no. Oh, my God, I saw you, serious. You're a f***er. You'm going to go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, yeah. Asterios, Asterios, he's, he's prolific. Yes.

Like, he's always, he's always exactly as funny as he is forever. Forever. Wow. With no effort. Right. Like, that's amazing. That's consistency. He's the most consistent and most funniest at being consistent that like he's like Robin Williams.

Like you look you look at Robin Williams and he's like, yeah, I mean, he's just like always that guy. Like a two-hour test. No, he's not he's not autistic at all. Asterios has no amount of autism in him. No, me. Oh, you, I don't know. You speak for yourself.

So Asterios did a string of podcasts that are Dic show related. Like a, a, a lot of dickheads have podcasts. Got you. Yeah, launching millions of careers here. That's like everybody's making money. It's really everyone's making money. Just, and you have a podcast? I don't. You have fucking losing tons of money. I can see the lawsuits. You know, the lawsuits are fucking expensive, man. Dude, I can't. I can't wait till my first one. I live.

This isn't my first fucking one, but there are, but this one is more expensive. Wow, but it's funnier. You just making my, it's the funniest lawsuit that's ever been. That's why I cost so much. Sean, it's the funniest thing. Like we had wide wire divorces expensive,

because they're worth it. Is that the, I mean, it's the funniest thing. Like we had a wide wire divorce is expensive because they're worth it. Is that the, I mean, this is the funniest thing that's, this is, this might be the, you know what? I always, if this whole lawsuit, like the thing that makes it the best to me and Maddox doesn't realize is that this lawsuit made me think that there's more to me because up until this point, I thought nothing would be funnier than Dr. Phil. Nothing would be funnier than me being on Dr. Phil, just openly saying the worst things possible about women because he's a show that exists for super housewives.

You know? And then I just get out like, hey, hey, hey, it's like, like if you had one way, she was like, please God, can you just, can you let me broadcast a very offensive things to all the housewives in the world? And you got it, and I got it. Yeah, you got that wish. Can you just give me five days on daytime television to talk directly to the housewives of the world?

And God's like, I'll give it to you. Yeah. Except for the house. And now God's gone. And I give another one. And he gave you. Yeah. Except for the hell. And now God's gone. And I give another. And he gave me another one. He gave you another. He gave me another.

He was like, God, can I, can you please just take this guy who is a, who's a, who's an asshole? Like he's been, he's just a cock sucker. Like he annoys, he's a work person that annoys me at work. Can you please just make him let everybody know how much of a cock sucker he he is because everybody's got that Maddox at work right who's a cocksucker and nobody knows that they're a cocksucker and they're like yeah He's just like he's a cocksucker. I don't know what to tell you. He's a fucking ass. He's always an asshole to me

But whatever like I gotta work. I gotta go to work. I have to I have to deal with this bullshit, and it's fine But he's like stop saying that he's so nice and crazy, this is a cock sucker! God, can you just make him tell everybody there's got, God, I got you. God sent you a cease and desist. And he did. And it's the, this lawsuit, it's so expensive and it has fucked so many people over. The people who run my company with me are pissed at me and it's fucked business. I'm not going to say it hasn't. It has fucked business.

It's fucked the stereo solver in a number of ways, because how do you explain this to a, to your place of work? Well, like you can't explain, like, yeah, you just fucked with a guy, because it's so, it's so in the make-believe world, until it reaches out and pokes into the real world. And the line is kind of obliterated. Because everybody thinks we have this weakness in us as humans that you just give people the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, we do.

Yeah. So when a lawsuit for half a billion dollars is filed, everybody just kind of gives it the benefit of that. Well, there must be something there. Well, that, but that number means it's a joke immediately. I mean, that's the right. Yeah, but people say, well, it's half a billion and must at least be something there. Well, that number means it's a joke immediately. I mean, that's the right. Yeah, but people say, well, it's half a billion. It must at least be 10 bucks.

What did you do? What did you do that's so bad that it's 10 bucks? It's like managing expectations. It's gonna, yeah. Yeah, I was like, well, I mean, I didn't even do 10 bucks. I did literally, I did nothing. I have to, although, and then there's also that part where everybody wants it to be true.

Because everybody wants a bad guy. Like, I hope that, I hope that this shit, I don't know, but my point was, my point was that the entire lawsuit has given me this, this feeling that it is possible to be even funnier than the doctor-fuel thing. Like, the whole lawsuit is way stupider and way funnier than the doctor-filthic. Like the whole lawsuit is way stupider and way funnier and a more expensive tens of thousands of dollars are being blown on it and that in and of itself should be funny. Like it's really, it's...

I'm with you. It's, I'm sad it had to come at the expense it did. You shouldn't though, you're comedian. It should be a celebration of how funny it is and how much it has hurt people. Well, kudos for being a... Psychotic? Yeah, yeah.

That's the word he was looking for. I mean, I know what he is. He's successful enough to fight it. I feel like Job, it's like, God just keeps giving me these things that I have to think are funny. You're cleaning ladies calling you fat and chance cancer. You have to find humor in that.

Okay, okay, you fucking you dirty bitch God. I'll find humor in that. Well, it's all a joke. I mean, if you don't look at this life as just one big joke, then you're totally missing the point. Like the whole point, every, like the linear progression of life is a joke. Like, all right, so you don't know anything in the beginning

and everybody's taking care of you. And then by the time you can take care of yourself, you know what? People who are not qualified to take care of you. People who are not qualified to take care of you. People who are not qualified to take care of you. People who are not qualified to take care of you. Or take care of you. No idea how to take care of you. And then by the time you can take care of yourself, you know what I mean. People who are not qualified to take care of you. People who are not qualified to take care of you. People who are not qualified to take care of you. People who are fucked up are taking care of you. No idea how to take care of you.

And one of them probably doesn't want you. At any given point, one of them regrets it. That's not an all. No, but that's not an all thing that's normal. Like, if you love your kid, like there's a point in your life of raising them. And we're like, I don't want this motherfucker anymore. Like every parent thing, every single parent thinks that

I don't believe that they don't. You hope those moments are fleeting, but they probably aren't. You hope that they don't act the way they feel. That's the key. And they're spending the whole time trying to solve their problems with you. Right, at the same time. And they're in their 20s, they're the dumbest people

in the planet. When you finally have a thought in your head, you know, like at the same time. And they're in their 20s. They're the dumbest people in the planet. When you finally have a thought in your head, you know, like by the time you come to adult, you're like, oh, here's a thought. I don't have enough money to do anything that I want. It's whoops. It's been the next, she's been like the next 35 years, like mad scrambling for cash. And then like, you finally get it and then you realize, shit, I didn't spend any of the time enjoying it when I had the time.

And for that, the money. I kind't spend any of the time enjoying it when I had the time and for that, I kind of spending this money on the body to do it. And so now you're 80, you're 70, you know, like I can't spend the money. And I can't do it. It's that's if you don't, I need a Tesla. If you sit back and don't,

if you sit back and you don't laugh at that, then that's the whole point. That's just God going, God, shabits, you know, like that's. This has been super motivational. I'm gonna go out out and do great. You're going to write another book. Yeah. I'm in a fucking book. I'm in a sore. If you're not laughing at the irony that by the time you're aware to do anything about your state and place in the world, you're already dead. Yeah. That's, then that's, that's reason for comedy right there. That's the whole point.

It's, that is the only thing that really upsets me in the world is that if you're going, if you don't see the humor in it, if everything is so serious, like Bill Hicks says, like I'm serious, look at my job and my life and like folks, we're all heading the same place. You know, I know we're. I'm so serious, I need counseling.

I need counseling to walk me to my death. Or you can do what I do, which I highly recommend, which is forget I did shit the moment I did it. You know, like when you reminded me, I didn't even remember that we talked about Maddox on the last time because you just said do it and I was like, you'll let's do this. And then you just brought it up. I'm like, that's what I did. That's where we did have, I was here. I remember coming down this, I, everything I do, I'm immediately like, that's well, I don't need that information.

Well, just, that's why people around go, you remember that shit you did? That's what I do. We should check your mail, cause you're probably being sued. Probably, probably. Okay, let me play, I'm gonna play a cover. I need a little, I need a mind break.

This is from my room records. I think he's gonna be in Portland. Oh, cool. And the tickets for Portland, we're doing live shows. You ever go up to Portland? I have, yeah, multiple times. I used to live on Seattle. February 24th, February 24th, we're doing a live show.

Where you guys going? Portland, the secret society. The secret society ballroom. Nice. Very nice. Is it? Yeah, it is. Diego set it up.

Yeah, it should be good, man. Portland's great. You're gonna have a lot of fun up there. This is a you're welcome cover by my room records. He's gonna be in Portland with us. You're welcome from Oana. Yeah, there you are. I see what's happening, yeah.

Your face to face with greatness and it's strange. You don't even know how you feel. It's adorable. It's nice to see that fans they never change. Open your wallets to me. By my book, it's not rehashed, you'll see I know it's a lie Song about Maddox

Here at the bald When you're staring at a writing gun And what can I say except you're welcome For the snacks, the content for free Hey it's okay, it's okay You're welcome There's nobody superior to me Hey, there's two thumbs and debated both sides

You can't stand to be criticized this guy When Dick Genditha Show, who made a rapist video And stole the feed to promote his own Oh, and I blocked all of you You're welcome to let promote his own Oh, and I've blocked all of you You're welcome to let through no descending point of view Also, my content is free You're welcome, be grateful I don't know you anything So what can I say except you're welcome

I'm a fucking Disney star It isn't it is, I mean it is like It is literally easy It is, it is, it is. I mean, it is like... It's literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star.

It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star.. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. It is literally Disney star. Buy an errant comment? The show, the snacks, the crowns, My arguments are impenetraily found. I kill the show, in its metal jest, That are my issues are from TDS. What's the lesson? What is the takeaway?

Don't mess with metal, and he's on the breakaway. And the picture that is here on the web Is 50,000 bucks of money will spend. But where I've been, I made everything happen. Nothing wrong with a cuckier, and even did he wrap it? Well, anyway, let me say you're welcome for the wonderful show that you know. Hey, it's okay, it's okay, you're welcome, All cause I refuse to let it go.

Hey, it's your day to say you're welcome for the seeds of hate I've sewn I'm taking away away your income Because I can be successful on my own You're welcome You're welcome And thank you That's very talented listeners, man, dude, right. Yeah, like that is production value on that. I, it's very talented. They send this shit in all the time.

All the fun all the time, man. They're so fucking good and I'm too drunk to play it all and properly respond to it. It's like Ben Fultz when he got happy. Yeah, it's Ben Fultz when he was dating a stripper from the crazy lady. Okay. Yeah, like a period of his life when he was dating that bitch from the crazy horse.

Crazy. And crazy. And then the guy from the band that I was in dated her afterwards. Oh, really? Yeah, she dated. Okay, let me slow this down. Ben Foltz dated a stripper from Crazy Horse. I don't remember her.

I, Justin Yuna, don't pretend like you don't know our crazers. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to remember her name. Yeah, wasn't it? Yeah, she saw Kate was based on The girl. Yeah, he made up some bullshit about About that it was somebody challenged him to write a song with a with a monosolabic chorus. No. Yeah Yeah, that was just happy as you could tell. Yeah. What is tortured?

Yeah, she used to dance under a lion. Oh, that's just that. Oh, so that's not tortured. Now he's got kids. Oh, God, kill me. Every song is like some version of like he's blinking like, kill me, kill me, kill me kill me kill me kill me. Cause I could come on the show and joke about being called a

laughing loser, but my brother in law is get it. He's called the laughing loser to this day. Yeah. Saying he's a brick and he's drowning slowly. Yeah. Amazing. I made humbling amazing great songs. You know, talk about the lawsuit stuff a little bit? Oh, of course I do. A little bit, just a little bit. I can't stay away from it.

I mean, it's like, I'm just getting information from all sides. You know, like I don't, I don't go cruising the boards or anything like that. I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry. The, on, it's just, it's funny. It's the funniest thing. I mean, like, Stronger man, you're very, I'm just here. The, on, it's just, it's funny. It's the funniest thing. I mean, like,

Strong man, you're very, I'm this here, let's hear the funny. You're gonna, you would do it too. You're gonna laugh to keep you from having. I would definitely do it too if I had a show and I had an empire. You do. It is an empire.

It's the contendant. It's the contendant. The media, don't tell him. Don't see this. He's building the ego. It's yeah. Well, he's gonna have to have it. We turned out, he's even funnier and deeper than he ever thought, because he thought Dr. Phil

was gonna be the high point of his life. Apparently, this lawsuit legitimized some, you know, twos of coincidence, three's a trend. Yeah, I need to find that third. That's true. That third fucking once, once is a fluke, twos of coincidence. That's a three's a trend. Yeah, I need to find that third. That's true. That third fucking once, once is a fluke, two is a coincidence. That's a recent trend.

Yeah, yeah. Well, the third thing be, what's that, like what would be the, maybe being president. Sure. Sure thing. Trump's got spicy teeth. Yeah.

Yeah, no, no, no, no. Hey, everybody, I'm like Trump, except that I drink. Yeah. That's my slogan. Guess what, I'm going to the first debate, drunk as fuck. I'm debating a computer hologram of Hillary Clinton because she's the only one who's ever gonna run for the Democratic Party until the end of time.

They gotta digitize her fucking duck ass shit. It's gonna be a computer amalgamation of her and Elizabeth Warren. This is how long away we are from running for you. It's gonna be the next one, dude. Next one's all Hillary. Next one, I can't believe it. Until the end of time.

Do you do a hologram? Yeah. And it's gonna be Chelsea Clinton wearing her mom's face like leather head. No, no. She's gonna shut up. Bob, what is that in poor taste? What do you mean?

It's just a terrible visual. Yeah. Yeah. And then Bill Clinton's going to come over and act like it's Hillary and he's going like kiss licker ear and stuff on. Oh, and then it's going to be me on the other side. Look, I'm drunk. Yeah. Who are you going to vote for? Who are you going to vote for? I drink but first of all, drink Bud Light Number one, I also drink other stuff That's gonna be my campaign slogan I drink Bud Light and other stuff and other stuff What's up America it might be time might be time might be time to have a dick president all right It's fucked up. It's so. Oh, I know. Like there's never going to be another celebrity president. There's just never not going to be because it's too good for business to be president.

That's a good point. So what's the change in celebrities? Because statistically speaking, you've got two years, two years, two terms, two terms, two terms. So let's say Donald gets two. So then who's at the back end of Donald? Look, I mean, I'll fucking knock you out of here. I know you. I'll call the cops on your ass. See, this guy is a real good weird, this weird white guy had a weird fall down my stairs.

And then he got, he needs to be arrested. He tried to grab it, my penis while he was falling at all. Yeah. Plausible. All right. So, here's the funny thing about the lawsuit. Weber-Shandwick, the biggest PR firm on the planet, maybe. They fired, like 30 countries or something like that.

They're huge. Yeah. They're getting sued along with me and everybody else. Weber-Shandwick filed their response and they put in their response to Maddox's lawsuit a restraining order that 80s girl, my girlfriend had to get on Maddox's girlfriend because they were calling her job like it was We've talked about it on the show before but they put the restraining order in the document saying these people are insane Like these people are there's there's so insane that they had to have a restraining order brought Grant brought upon them and granted But here's the funny part they blacked out

They blacked out Jane Doe's name, but they left all of our shit It like they left all of 80s girls information in there the fault like Weber Shandwick the guy goes, okay Well, we're gonna block it says it says literally on the form Person to be protected right wide open. Yeah person that is strained Pertison that is restrained black like protected blacked out. It's like this is this is the funniest shit This is the funniest commentary on people I'll ever see in my life and it's all happening in real time I'll pick up in my life and it's all happening in real time. How big of a fucking lawyer can make 500, 700, $1,000 an hour? Well, I gotta block this bitch out because I gotta block this bitch out.

Because the person who had food is restrained. Or not like it what the hell. Black and town did. Black it out. I need you to go through and block out the intermission. The intermission was an error. No, I said everyone's in competence. No was an error. No, it's everyone's incompetent. No, so everyone.

No, because they don't give a fuck. I couldn't find the whole point. I couldn't believe that. So I shot an email off to my attorney. There was a woman who was a woman because that's how little I respect Maddox's lawsuit. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm dying to be making it. I'm just beautiful. It's a long fly ball. It looks like it's about to be.

Now he reaches over the fan, pulls it back in. What a talented touch. We thought that was out of here for sure. Look, if I was getting sued for something I did, I'd get a man to defend me, obviously. Okay. Anyway. I emailed Sarah, I was saying, Sarah, they left like all, all personal deeds in,

like they put, they put the restraining order in, which is fucked because people are now actually seeing what the restraining order was. Like Maddox's girlfriend calling Aiti's girl school, how many times she did it statements from people who worked at the school, like of what she said. And what she said was things that only Maddox knew. Yes.

Like I'm gonna, so they're obviously, and they're obviously working in cahoots. Oh, for sure. For sure. No, I think she, because she's totally normal behavior. Look, what is this? No, I think she, she's totally normal behavior. Look, what is this? No, she has thrown more gasoline on that fire than,

it could not get two worse people together for each other. Yeah. But they black out, they black out person to be protected, wide open. First and they need protection. It's a black day. It's so bizarre that this is America, right? Like this is the democracy, this is like the

the fascicle satirical democracy that we live in. I don't know, I thought that part was funny. That is very funny. So what, I mean, so you talk to your lawyer, is she like, that's not okay? That's emailed the other lawyer, they're like, oh yeah, we'll black it out and refile. Like, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Yeah, perfect, you kind of responses that. And I'm like, all right, that's cool, but how much of that cost me? How much of that email, fucking God, man? You know what that is? That's Sam Rockwell saying, fuck, last night on SNL. Did he say fuck? Yeah, he did. Oh nice. On the on the East Coast broadcast, he said fuck. And then they're like, don't worry. We'll, uh, we'll cut it out when we go to the West Coast

feed. Like, it already was happening. Yeah. You said it. It's America in 2018. You did it. There's no, you actually did it. You already did it. That's the problem. Yeah. See, it was said we have Twitter. And it's there. It's like, I saw did it. That's the problem. Yes, it was said we have Twitter and it's there. It's like, I saw it last night. I caught the West Coast. I didn't see it on there. I saw it on Twitter. So it was like, Rockwell said fuck.

There it is right there. What were you protecting at that point? No, but you're protecting the sensibilities of the people who were gonna tune into SNL. Not safe for women, the FCC. Like you can't say fuck on the air. Why? It's not kids, kids love hearing fuck. They love saying fuck.

I know that this is true. You know who doesn't like saying fuck? Brods, Mr. Fancy fans. I will go, I actually think, if this was a broad thing, it would be different. There would be actual success with it. I'm saying it's, I actually think, if this was a broad thing, it would be different. There'd be actual success with it. I'm saying it's, I hate to say this because you're gonna get mad.

It's old white dudes who hate the word fire. Ah! Ah! That's it. It's old white dudes who are like, because I'll do comedy shows and they'll be like, listen, everything was good except until you said the F word. And I'm like the F word? You didn't mind all the other parables I made about sex.

That's like, well, you don't have to say it. Like you're saying it in your head. You're going to do it tonight. You're watching, listen, I watch good clean shows like CSI and like, CSI where they say there was, uh, well, let's just start with, there was, her cavities were filled with the man's semen. And you're like, that's what you started with, but you can't hear the word fuck.

Like, you can't, you can hear, you can hear like, well, her head was torn off, and the man's genitals were severed and put in a coffee can over there. And this fucking, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy. My sensible ears. In my day, you didn't have to work blue to be funny. Right, exactly.

We just liked Don Rickles. He didn't say, fuck no. Exactly, it was just the most racist bigoted things you've ever heard. But that, fuck, that's the line. We can't say the word, fuck, that's. And you can say anything on television now on broadcast television, we're all the way up to fuck.

That's the last barrier. I watch CNN the other day with... Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, that's a lot. I love saying it too. I love saying it. And every slur I think I've ever heard almost based on 37.

I learned some new slurs. I know. I learned some new slurs. I learned some new slurs. I was 35 year old racists, and I learned slurs from C&M. What was Macroly? I didn't know that was there. It's a Roman Catholic thing apparently. What? Old white?

It's a slur for old white people. Really, okay. What is? Immacroleaders. Wow. Yeah, Macroleaders. Like a fish. Like the fish.

The Matt, yeah. Like the fish. Yeah. This is a real slogan. This is a real slogan. I'm talking like the fish. Yeah, yeah, like the fish. Yeah, yeah, this is this. This is a real talking about the fish. Stop with the stop at the black stereotypes. All right, so Weber-Shandwick is petitioning to move it to commercial court, the lawsuit. Really? Yeah, commercial court. Yeah, but from what I've learned from Nick Rikita, it's Rikita, right? No, Rikita. Rikita. That's what I thought.

Everybody in commercial court has to be on top of their game. Like if they, if you show up and say, I'm not familiar with the case, I need a day to look at it. They're going to say dismissed. Like, that's it. It's like a lightning round. They're, they're petitioning to move it to like lightning round court. And apparently my attorneys are doing this too. I didn't know that. Well, I guess that's the thing to do. I didn't know. And they can assign damages. So Maddox has from like his animated series or his video game or all these projects that he's always making that they're breaking in the money. The judge in New York can just decide to make him pay for everybody's attorney's cause.

Yeah, that's okay. That motherfucker could end up, that guy could end up owing like $200,000. $200,000. Very easily. Whatever attorneys want to charge him for. Yeah. It's fucking wild, dude.

Can the judge go, this is the fucking stupidest thing I've ever seen. Can he just assign damages based on that? Yes. He can just go, you're paying everybody's his fucking dumb. This is fucking dumb. Yeah, perfect. Yeah, because you've sued people in the wrong state for weird amounts of money and you

got too many apostrophes in your lawsuit. I can't, absolutely. With no facts. With no backup assertions. I think he really, I think he really fucked up. You think? But ending up like, it's one thing to try to cost Asterios' job and me, my job and like whatever reputation,

blah, blah, blah. But it's another thing to sue Patreon and Weber and these giant companies and get hit for attorneys fees that are going to easily hit 100,000 dollars. Because in his mind, he's suing the big companies. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So he's suing, Mattics is suing the companies that employ people who work on this show, like a stereos, Adam Panache guy, the guy that just called in, Adam Panache, he's suing his actual place of employment in real life, who happens to be the biggest PR company in the world. Yeah, but why would you? Why would you? You're going to hurt yourself.

You're going to hurt yourself. You're going to hurt yourself. Here's the fucking greatest part. So Heather, this fake report, so this is what, Oh my God. Now that all this lawsuit should have come out, in the lawsuit, Weber Shandwick, the PR company has said, this person, Heather, contacted us as a fake reporter

and said that this guy of stereos is like a misogynist and is like a part of an alt-right bullying. Asterios is the most liberal guy on the planet. Asterios thinks that he wants to uninvent guns and he thinks that every soldier should have tits mandatory. Male or female? Yeah. No, no, he doesn't believe in genders.

He thinks that there's only one gender in that gender should have tits. Just so we could get it out there. Yeah. To the people who fought it to Maddox who filed us. It's not against any law to have an opinion. Oh, no, it is. And like, like literally it's if it makes you feel bad, it is. There's a there's a log in So you swing emotional damage. Yes. Yeah. It he's saying like him and his girlfriend are in therapy to get over being called in his words, I would never say words like this,

but he says a cuck and a faggot on online. Right. So he's, I don't even say words like that in my own shower when I'm by myself. No, no. How did you meet this guy? What? I can't remember.

We had the same editor in our stupid books. We wrote comedy books in the same editor. Why isn't he being sued? Good question. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I'm trying to find, I'm trying to, so you've got like about a month's worth of reason

to do. Oh, dude, it's the greatest story and you'll just, you will wear a dent in your forehead from smacking it with your palm. You just, you got, no, no, that's, this can't be, no, this is a joke, right? This is, I still think that sometimes where it's, is this the world's greatest troll? But very quickly, you find, no, of course not. But, I can't believe what I'm hearing. This is, it's incredible, but yeah. Okay, so this is what, this picture I'm showing right, and you guys right now, this is what the fake reporter Heather

sent to Weber Shandwick to try to get a stereo's fired. This image, you see this image. It's like a made image of me in a stereos laughing. And then it's got this quote from my book, men are better than women, which I'm not gonna read the quote because it's, you can't read a single quote from a satire book and have it make sense.

It's like, you have to be sitting there holding the book and knowing it's a joke, reading an entire article of why it's satire and then getting to the line. It's like taking one quote, it's like taking a lot, a bar of music out of the middle of the song and like, here, this, this music really sucks. Dilly-doodle. It's like, yeah, I mean, it's not the fucking song.

If you did that, you could take it. That's a, that's a, that's a perfect analogy though. It is though because that's sat perfect analogy though. It is though because that's satire. It's the entire character. It's the entire work that you're reading and participating in, that there's a line in, that makes you like, oh yeah, from this,

it's all about resolution. When they're on top of that, he's assigning it to someone else, right? Oh, and he's assigning, and he's got us giggling like jackass is about about about the the topic of rape which is an incredibly like heavy topic. You know, and he sent that Heather Heather the big report that is yeah, Heather the fake reporter sent this to all the female executives of Weber Shambler. We're finding it. It's so, it's unbelievable.

But, but, but this dumb fuck used Maddox used the same fucking font to make this image that he uses on his website. It's just so, isn't that hilarious? It's just easier. It, wow. If it was a girl cottage, is there, I know that font that's a website font. It wasn't just so fucking. No one's ever had that strong an opinion about me

in either direction. Just to suit you. To be mad or love of any level, like either end of the spectrum. Yeah. You've done it, man. My dad told me I was a kid. If you're not getting sued, you're not successful in that.

Well, that's not, I'm not, he said that. He's like, No, that's not happening. If you're not, if you're not, you're not in business, let's read that. To quote to quote Cat Williams. If the any of haters in here who don't have anybody to hate on,

feel free to hate on me. Yeah, that's his, I mean, you know, you hit it right on the head there. All right, let me see. I don't know, we've gone for a long time. I can't tell time when I'm drunk. Huh. For about an, uh, Jordan Cope though,

he sued the customer service rep, Jordan Cope. I gotta get, I gotta get that guy's sound. That sucks. Jordan Cope suffered because of me. Yeah, because he didn't, uh, I don't know. He didn't take his complaints seriously enough from this. Just a guy trying to do his job. I like, I don't want to do it.

There's, there's, um, there's several dozen hours of content around this lawsuit from lawyers who are on YouTube talking about law and they're like going over how, what a stupid thing this is. I don't know how to condense it into the show. You don't have to. you just keep it going. Yeah, I just keep it going. Just keep it going. This is at wild, man.

What are we at? What time are we at? What's 1240? It's hour 40. We've been going for an hour 40. Fuck. All right, let's wrap it up. You want to check out know what's the problem

sure what's up what's up did you know that uh... nick rica does making uh... more money than maddox's on patreon now i knew that i heard that so a guy a lawyer a dickhead nick ricae uh... uh... he started doing like going over the lawsuit and he like you know web cam he makes videos about it and talks and explains it to people. You know, if it wasn't for Nick Riccata, I wouldn't have read any of the documents. Yeah, yeah, because he goes through him. He's fantastic at it.

God, he's good. He makes it so simple to understand and he skips over the stupid parts. And he makes fun of apostrophes. But he's making more money on Patreon than Maddox is now. parts and he makes fun of apostrophes, but he's making more money on Patreon than Maddox is now. A guy who's started his thing, just to make fun of, you gotta get a Patreon, Justin. Yeah, I gotta get, apparently I gotta get a lot of stuff. I gotta get some haters.

I gotta get myself podcasts, Patreon, should a gun, do crossword puzzles? Let's go, should guns. What do you recommend? What do you like? You like a shotgun? Well, I mean, a shotgun seems like, it doesn't seem as much fun.

That seems like a handgun. What, yeah, what, what? We revolver guy, are you like a matrix kind of guy? I don't know any of the kickback or recoil that I'm facing to be thick. No, no, no, what, what, what? We revolver guy, are you like a matrix kind of guy? I don't know any of the kickback or recoil that I'm facing. No, no, no, no, just think about what's cool. Do you like like a revolver where it's like, ch-ch-ch, and you pull it back?

Are you like a cop guy and you're like, I'm just a ruffle, I'm here to fuck. I'd probably be more a six shooter. Yeah, like a revolver. I gotta get a revolver. Do you still have your comical hand, you know, your hand cannon thing? Yeah, I got a I got a 357s Yeah, it's a good idea. It's awesome. Desperado. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We'll go up to Elk. No, I'll meet you and coach

Jamie will go up to throw that last one in. Hey, listen man. I I've never done it. I if I'm gonna do with somebody, you know, it's great. Yeah, it changes your Skrides changes your thinking you get's great. Changes your thinking. You guys can do cocaine and go out there and shoot. Do a couple of lines, grab some guns, go out into the desert, shoot things. Not so much actual things, but more air and rocks and stuff. It'd be great.

Have a good time. We get sued. Yeah. No. All right. This is by Ken Dall and Hyde. We're going to play some voice mails. After this, everybody, you've been listening to the Dixho. Go to thedixho.com patreon.com slash the Dixho.

Justin Rappel, thank you for joining us today. Thank you for having me, my pleasure. What do you want to plug? Anything. I'm in Reno next week at the performing arts center, and then I'm in six to seven different schools next week after that. I don't need to plug those schools. Schools like colleges and stuff.

I can't even remember the names of them. Wow. That'd be fun. It won't be. 34. 34. I have to think about it. That's a good time to go back to school. Right.

Right, exactly. They're like, this is what dashed dreams look like. They're thinking of fresh looking. No, but they're, that's, yeah. I'm fine. I don't know. It's good. It is what dreams look like.

It is, dude. I'm doing exactly what I wanted to do when I went to college. It didn't need to go to college to do it. What would you go to college for? Broadcast journalism with a double major in sociology. You're gonna be like a weatherman? That's exactly what I was gonna be. I shit you not.

That was the first thing I got offered out of college. They're like, do you want to be the weatherman? I thought about it for a while, but then I had to sign a behavioral clause. Like, you can't do this and this and this. And I'm like, nope. Like what? Like you can't go out to bars.

You can't go out to bars. You can't go out to bars. You can't go out to clubs. If we see you smoking or drinking or anything that's in the public eye and we have your name, our name on you, we can, there's just a performance clause and all that. You can't go to bars?

No, you can't drink with any of the, if you're recognizable. Yeah. And you're, you know, you're a news source according to these networks, then we, you need to be one of the trusted people. So you can't do this. I'm like, dude, I am going to mess that up in a second. And my, my career is going to be. Why though?

Well, because hell. It, I mean, it would, you you think so. You want to sit down to the guys were in the channel. Faw's hat. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no How's it going out there? Well, just in case you were thinking of going out and shorts. I wouldn't recommend it.

This week, we're going to see highs in the upper seventies, lows down to the mid forties, 30% chance of precipitation. We've got a low pressure front moving in from the west. Should the stay around too long, do a little bit of dumping in the low highland areas. Like I said, the feel out there is about five degrees below for wind chill effect. But I think all in all, it's going to be a great week. Dan, back to you.

Justin, case you were worried. Justin, case you were worried. Yeah, you got to throw it in at the end. And this, this has been your weather. Justin, case you were planning on going outside. Dan, thanks, Justin. Why do we want that? Why do we want to be weatherman? Stormy weather, what is this name? We got Dallas, we got Dallas, we got Dallas. Yeah, Dallas.

That is like orange, which is fantastic. I got it. He's like a natural color. We need that because it's so silly that someone's even forecasting the weather anymore. It's just so like I was flying last week and they had it down to the hour. They're like at 5 a.m. It's gonna start snowing. Yeah.

Right, and sure enough, 5 a.m. comes and starts snowing. Why are we even going to the weather guy anymore? What's it gonna be like? I don't know, let's check the app. Well, shit. There's my job back to you. Like that's it, man. That's it.

That's why I want somebody to talk to me like that all the time, though. But that voice? Yeah, that's why I think everybody's so afraid of Nazis. It's like I really want someone to talk to me like a weather, like in that weird controlled, affected voice. The non-regional diction is either comforting or terrifying. It's either one or the two. Like that's what my accent is, is non-regional diction.

So you can sound like, you can sound really comforting like, we will always be together. And this kind of adversity will only link us stronger and bonds together. Or you could say really creepy shit you could be like, it's about time this world had a another apocalypse. Let's face it I think it would be a good thing for billions and billions

to perish. You're like whoa. That's why the behavioral class. Yeah. It's like you've a son the dick show. talking about some crazy shit. All right, Justin Robble. You got anything to plug, Mr. Fancy? I don't know. I don't know. You're fucking book. No, we're good.

Last time I ruined that. Pushing up crazy. I ruined it. Last time I wrote a book. Is it called Pushing Up Crazy? Yeah, that's a brilliant title. Well, I figured, you know, it rides on the coattails of other things.

He's trying to find the review that somebody else. Good. This is going to be rum. Push it up, pubes. The track of he-he's. Oh, God. Sound really song, I guess. It's a bunch of he-he's. He-he.

He-he. It's coming. I'm not. if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it.

I'm not sure if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it. I'm not sure if I can get it. I don't know how long it is. All right, place your voice, Mel. So the guy who's suing us, and he like talks to listeners, to fans, and then they leak his conversations,

and he says, he says, he-he a lot. Like, A-G-A-G, when he's talking to other men online. This is why we're getting sued. Should like this. He a lot like a G a G when he's talking to other men online This is why we're getting soon should like this You're here Facebook is it's kind of growing on me Dictus yelled just enough of his chair. All right, I'm placing Facebook news. It's oddly calling.

Like listen to this before, Bill, or something. Hello, Dic had the says the Facebook group news for the last couple of years. Top 3 this week is gay bays who years ago sold a table to a man on the Craigslist. The buyer after a few emails offered to help Gabe save some cash regarding moving the table. The buyer promised it was nothing illegal, and two emails later, Gabe was being offered to have his fee tickled for cash. It required, quote, an open mind and was promised it would be no sex involved.

Just fee tickling. Gabe would tell him the table anyway. quote, an open mind and was promised there would be no sex involved. Just feet tickling. Okay, but tell me the table anyway, what declined is generous offer. This kids were asked, what's the most dickhead, Lysian, or way you've broken up with someone? Here are a few of the most notable and shitty answers. Coming up to guy once, but she found out he was a virgin. Rances, ex had inverting nipples and a freaked him out. Amanda broke up with a guy to be with another guy who played guitar, Eric's long-term relationship ended when Eric's

friend pointed out how she would be ugly when she was older, Eric saw his point and dumped her, and lastly, Sadie's X was taking pictures of her mother's feet, and he was also jerking off the foot fetish videos. Last up is Brian Gibson, who was solicited to pedal dope for a coworker of his. The guy heard that Brian was quote, cool, and the guy pretended like it was just weed at first. However, after a few minutes of conversation, Docu, the product shifted to pills, opioids, and heavy amounts of weed. Brian passed on the job offer, citing Tennessee's strict drug laws as a reason to decline. This is then the Dixiel Facebook

group. That's our Facebook group news. Yeah. Yeah. Just news. The Facebook group stuff that's happened. Incredible. Yeah. You guys' fan ship is amazing. Oh, they're up. I. Yeah, you guys really if nothing else in this world should be able to bother you knowing you guys have people who are reading your fan page news. That's why we're getting sued. That's why because we're having so much fun. Dude, I'm convinced. I'm convinced if you're having too much fun, you're gonna get shit on. They're gonna try to take it away from you if you have anything nice. Yeah, you know, that's, there's, there is a lot,

yeah, I can't argue with it. Super optimistic. Well, I know he's, like, you, you, like you, it might be, you never know. If you get to a certain point, there's a lot of people who don't want to do the work to have the fun. And they want to tear down instead.

That's literally what we do in this country. We build up a star. We tear them down for our entertainment. And then root for a comeback. And then we sit there and go, when do you allow you to come back? Yeah. Like, because we watch you too, every single time. It's almost like we get off on the hero building.

Distraction. Yeah, it's like every, you say you're the builder. I say America's like, we create celebrities and then destroy them for all entertainment. Yeah, it's great. It happens to everybody. Like I can't do a whole bunch of voices in my act anymore for that reason.

Wait, why? Oh, because they sued you? No. No, recent developments. Recent developments. Oh, not like Cosby. No, I never did Cosby. Louis C.

Weinstein. Oh, Louis C. K. Weinstein was, I was such a comedic favorite. People are like, I know. I got the best Weinstein, but I just can't do it anymore. Everybody stand back. Yeah. That's a bummer. Well, it's the, the, it is a bummer. And it's, there's more and more stuff happening where you're like, it's somebody else fucking up.

That's fucking up my fun. Hmm. You know, and yeah, I know that's in that case. It's like I was, I was making, uh, I was doing, I was having a lot of people have a lot of joy from seeing me do a little magic trick of turning into somebody else. But now my SNL video last year in March before anything dropped down was Al Franken, Kevin Spacey, Lily CK, and TJ Miller. And the devil. So it's your fault.

Yeah, actually. Now, people are calling me like vengeance. Could you do an impression of my roommate? You know, like, I'm great. Yeah. So now, and, you know, it's not- You can't do Kevin Space. His was funny, though.

It does have his own gay thing. Look, you can't do Kevin space. His was funny though. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Look, it doesn't matter. Like I, I can come here because we were friends and I go wherever I want. I'm an independent contractor by myself. You're a private business. You can do whatever you want.

That's right. But and inversely, I like people. And I also need to go in front. I know, right? It's such a fucking moron. And to go in front, I know, right? It's such a fucking moron. And I go in front of all these audiences and I wanna go in front of as many as possible. And I don't want to be shot by the open carry laws.

So I find a way to dance that line. That's the live comics line. You guys and Stern and Lycus and all those guys and everybody along the, yeah, along the list of the faddy. That exists so that we can continue to be uncomfortable in the freedom that made the country what it is.

And if people get uncomfortable, it's perfectly okay to sue for $100 million. That's the problem. That's the essence of the problem is that uncomfortable thought is what pushed us to the greatest nation on the planet. Yeah, uncomfortable thoughts that every once in a while we had to be like, well, do we think this as a whole or do we not? And and if we went back in time and went, I don't know if this whole thing is very appropriate. We shouldn't be talking about this because it makes me feel bad. Then we wouldn't be here.

Like, that's the whole point of this. Now, we're doing it on the air. And now it's just a different, it's a different form of the same thing. Yeah. So, but, you know, Mill Power to all of you. Here's a voicemail. So, guys, you want to know how many of you. Here's a voicemail. No, guys, no one will make me a fucking rage.

People who have to be funny in office presentations. I'm talking to each of us, and doing all these fucking office presentations. And I'm talking like eight to five just in an office all day, presenter after presenter. And every fucking one of them has to add these like little off-color remarks like oh I know this is the part you're most excited about and then they like they see their fucking joke is failing but they continue with it because that's all they have.

I mean like I'm telling their information isn't enough enough to carry out I'm trying to add a little fun by adding these fucking retarded remarks Through my presentation to just try and make you laugh But they fail miserably and they still continue with them and it fucking pisses me off To no end and eventually some person usually they're every now and then there's one guy that's like someone funny but overall, they fucking suck I don't know man, you know that's a good day for fucking self

Yeah, he's right. He is right. There's office humor Just shut the fuck up. Well, I'm trying to do this. Oh, I bet it would be you. Hey, go outside. Go against the wall. Go, that's my perfect office presentation if you speak, and you don't get a laugh. You gotta go stand with your facing the wall. Like you gotta go and time out.

You need Liam there. That's what you need. Listen, Gary, you're not funny. Yeah. Are you know why you're an accountant? Cause you can't tell a fucking joke, Gary. Do me a favor. Go outside and play.

Hide and go seek in traffic. Oh, my God. Dodd some cars. None of that was funny. Yeah. Your observations are not cutting it in this PowerPoint presentation. Go, go, go, go, put, go to the bathroom and put your mouth on the faucet and you have to sit there until the next person fucks up in this meeting until

somebody else thinks they're fucking funny. And then they're gonna go relieve, they're gonna pat you on the back, they're not gonna say anything, you're not gonna make eye contact with each other, you're gonna disconnect your mouth from the faucet, they're gonna put their mouth on the faucet, you're gonna come back to the meeting and shut the fuck up. That's how my meeting goes in my office. You know who I just realized you are? You are if Sam Kinnison, say, oh, Sam Kinnison, fuck John Belushi,

and we had a giant baby that grew up to have a show. Sam Kinnison and Belushi, it's a good fucking combination. We had a giant baby that grew up to have a show. Sam, Sam Kinnison and Belushi, it's a good fucking combination. I totally see it. Yeah, I'm really fucking tired of people trying to fucking interrupt meetings. We're all here. You're stealing time. You're stealing time from us.

I think about how much time that guy put into the jokes too. Like, this will be a good one. I'm gonna do a joke about how the thiz and there's red here in this column, don't get worried. Now I'm turning into Johnson. You're a human fucking minion. Shut your ass up. Go to the bathroom.

Put your mouth around the faucet. Shut the fuck, because you gotta really crank your head around to get your mouth on the faucet and off his bathroom. No one's ever come from one of those meetings and said, how's your day tonight? Hi today, honey. Well, I'll tell you, it wasn't going that great. Yeah. But then this guy really, he was, he was doing something about how our net goals have just not been hit in the first quarter. I gotta tell you, he said something was so fine. Well, was it something about, something about shoes? Anyway, kill me. Would you please? Yeah. This is the height of my. It's humor for people who don't have dicks.

And I don't mean women. It's people who'd have no sex organs. I think you guys have probably mentioned on the show that you enjoy this thing, and I do as well to some extent, but it doesn't mean I can't rage about it. And that's classic rock. All the old fucks that I work with, that's all they can do. The songs that have been out for close to 50 years now. If all you can listen to, if all you can do is relive shit from this one's a Jamie ago. Just fuck off. It's all too slow. It's all too simple. I mean, what? I didn't say this.

There's definitely some gems there. But if I have to listen to more than a feeling for Ozzie's work gigs, or fucking Black Dog, or don't stop believing, or any of these shitball songs that I've heard probably I want to fucking die. I'm going to grab a bit of fucking baby boomer by the throat, rip it out, and shove it up there's never any useful ass. I don't even like Aussies. I can't stand for the girl. It's all, you can tell all of the songs were just like, Hey, bro, what is, you know,

what if I were to talk about this girl, but it's like, I got a feeling about her man, but, but it's more than that. Yeah. So, it's my house. Do you think that that'd be a hit man? And it is for 50 fucking years, it's a hit. What the fuck, man?

And it's not even the baby boomers that are doing this. I work with fucking 30, 40, 50-year-olds, and I know fucking kids my age that listen to the shit. And that's all they listen to. Millennials. What the fuck, you fucking traitor? You know how much music we have out today that is, it's not much fucking better, but at least it's new.

I want to grab those fuckers and put them in an old folk home and make them live there until they kill themselves with the sheets and their bedroom. What the fuck? But the best part is here. Cheers, go fuck yourself. Cheers, go fuck yourself, there's. I'm curious how old he is because- He is 20 probably. Yeah Because he is 20, probably.

Yeah, he's 25, you think? Here's the best part about it. I'm gonna find his favorite band, and I'll be like, oh, is it system of a down? What is it? You know, like you love whatever rage against machines. Like, we'll just play more rage. Cut to 50 years from now.

Yeah. Listen, I'm listening to this classic rock station. I will not fuck you into what you tell me. I will not. I am not gonna rage against the machine. Let me tell you something. The machines have made our lives better. And I don't know why anybody would rage against the machine. You fucking morons. Why was that even a hit back then we all know Trump was president. We all now know that the best time in American history was 1985 through 2025 and then when you know the sentient beings took over from the other planet I don't need to listen to this shit anymore. It's gonna be that's gonna be what's gonna happen. But it's good now. It's good now.

I that that's me agreeing with him if he if that no he's right. No he is right. He's right because more people know these no more people know the immigrant song than know the fucking constitution. Here's here's it's like it's gonna it's gonna outlive the goddamn talking about out in the country is the Led Zeppelin soundtrack. Here's your ticket out, bro. The number one, the ticket out of any money issues we have in the world. Number one thing you gotta do is build one classic rock sounding song with four elements. You need number one, an opening,

either jazz or blues riff, right? Like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, That's God-like. Right, so something like... Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun And then if you put in this Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh- the most played song in both television, commercial, and movie history. What is it? Happy birthday. Well, besides happy birthday, I mean, like, you're ruining it. But one that wasn't created in 1795, no, it's Norman Greenbaum's Spirit in the Sky. Oh.

You don't realize how much you've heard it until I told you and now every time you'll hear it, it's used a lot. Ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh he? I don't know, but he was a teacher at like a music school for years and he called it mailbox Tuesdays. That's stupid ass song. Yeah. And he only had one song, Norman Greenbaum, total rock and roll song name, you know. I think I don't know if this is still true, but at one time I think the most licensed song all just all licensing was walking on sunshine by Katrina the waves.

That's a good song. Dane. Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day And the topic of sex came up and she said that any guys who have to use lube when they're having sex, you know, because the girls are wet enough is doing it wrong. Like, and I'm just thinking, you're the least qualified person in the entire universe comments about that. You are a lesbian, you do not have a dick, you've never had to put a dick in and you've never had a dick put into you to just finally know well you know every time I have sex with my girlfriend she gets wet therefore got if got in two times because they don't give a shit about the girl that's fucking retarded there are a billion reasons why you need all of a move is just a pressing women everywhere you know what that's what it's fucking is

all of the is just a simple that men don't care about women's needs you know because god forbid a guy has a two big of a penis or women don't get wet that is too big of a penis that's what it led to it yeah good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good This Chad dick. It's all leader to that. We'll see how it's done. Lesbyans don't know what it's like to have a two big of a dick. Like this gentleman does. That's right.

I love that's where he went with it. You know, some guys have two big dick, but then you gotta loop it in there, you know. Oil's not gonna work, you know. I love Lesby's, but man, when they start talking to me about sex, why don't you just fucking zip it? I'm fucking, I would like to meet the woman who said that and then be like, could you go speak to 20% of your own,

own gender and tell them to stop getting the prescription stuff from their doctors then? What do you mean? I mean, because everybody functions differently. Yes. Some males don't have saliva glands. Some females don't either. Wait, what? To take pills for saliva. Like some people are literally born without the ability to keep their

own mouth lubricated. And the same goes with their parts of the body. Yeah. Like the rest. Like, well, if you're a woman, it can be like this a herodown there for some women, whether they're turned on or not. You know, I'm saliva, you're gatt. Some people don't. No, they do. They gargle with astroplide. I have heard that. All right, everybody. Thanks for seeing next Tuesday. Thanks for listening.