The Dick Show - Episode 91 - Dick on Road Rage: Portland

Episode Date: February 27, 2018

Road Rage: Portland, planting the strip club seed, women hiding your stuff, bathroom fans that are too quiet, playing the poop blues, cops preventing crimes, 80s Guy loses his keys, the Portland Goss Bomb, Jane Walker Black, the future dystopia and the purchasing power of women, The Dick Show IQ Test, double doors, self-censorship, and getting my nipples pulled off; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

I'm just getting a bunch of these new cameras. Yeah, yeah. This was like a trial run. How many are you gonna get? Two. Oh. Two additional ones. You said a bunch of new cameras.

What do you consider a bunch? That you're just gonna... More than two. That you're just gonna put them all over the place. I'm gonna return that one and get three just to... So I can tell you... Well, that would be a few a few I thought two to three was a few a cup of a you know, yeah, you know, a couple is two you look like a few is three or more

a few is three or more. Yeah a few is three, but you know probably not Couple is two not more than four. Yeah, couple is two or one like if you say I hooked up with a couple of broads last night Yeah, couple is two or one. Like if you say, I hooked up with a couple of brods last night. It could be two or one or one. Either way, you're not a liar. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Presenting. Dick Dick Dick Dick Dick Dick Dick Dick Yeah Yeah Yeah Ha Welcome to Dick

You want to Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick, you got it, it's the show Where everything is a contest, coming to you live from a mountain bunker, deep in the heart of the city of failure on your host, Dick Masterson, AKA the 20 million dollar man, or comedy Jesus, as I like to be called now. I got sued for your lulls. And the Lord said on to me,

Dick, you shall be punished for the lulls of the world. You shall be sued for an incalculable amount because of incompetence and greed. And no one knows what the fuck I'm being sued for. Or who's being sued for that matter? With me as always, Sean the audio engineer. Hello, dick.

Hey, what's up buddy? Man, that was a rough intro. No, yeah, it was the hardest, yeah, to date, because my voice is blown the fuck out. I believe it. Oh boy, what a weekend. What a fucking weekend. All the planning, all of the planning for the show,

the road rage shows goes, gets blown completely out of the water, the second we touch down, I've noticed. Yeah. And then, touch down, I've noticed. Yeah. And then a consistent, a consistency within the four shows that we've done, I think, at this point. Yeah, it's very weird. Like I've started to plan for exactly what I know

is impossible coming up to the shows. Like I'm like, I used to go like, oh, I'll just wake up and you know, kind of like a normal show. Just think about what I'm going to talk about. Like, no, you're going to be, you're going to be extremely hungover. You're going to be dead. Yeah. You're going to be wanting to go to, you're going to be wanting to go drink a bloody Mary

that's the size of a Gatorade cooler. It's on the side of a football game that has six hamburgers in it and a steak and 10 waffles in the bloody Mary. You're not going to have time to plan for shit. And then you're gonna crawl to the show and it's gonna be a, it's gonna be panic nonstop for five hours. Like the amount of panic increases asymptotically because there's too much fun stuff to do.

Hangin' out with everybody's just too fucking fun. Yeah, it is a good time. It's a very good time. It's by the time you get to the show, it is tiring. Yeah, I can't imagine. My voice is fucking shod. Oh, you got a bed just completely horse every night. I can't imagine doing what you do

drinking the night before like that. Oh, it just, it's out of the realm of possibilities for me. Practice. Well, no, it's, yeah. Dedication. Practice. Same way you get to Carnegie Hall. I never got that joke.

What? How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Yeah. Practice, practice. Where is that a joke? Why do people say that? I don't, is it the pun on, you know, it's a direction or a, you know, destiny. It's like, oh, excuse me.

Do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall? Oh, that's that joke. I think it's talking to me for years, man. People say I'm like, why is everyone laughing at this? Like, it's not funny. Yeah. It's like, yeah, you should probably be pretty good to play Carnegie Hall. Yeah.

I mean, why is what, of course, what's the joke to that? I thought it was like someone's name was practice and you got to blow them. Oh, I feel like that. Well, that's actually how I took them. Makes more sense. I like it. Roller-Rage Portland was fucking, was fucking amazing.

Beautiful city. As I say in the show, we need two walls. We need a wall for the US and we need another wall just around Portland to keep anybody out of there because it's absolutely gorgeous. Yeah, it's cool place Everything everybody says about the strip clubs in Portland is true They're unreal. There's no surprises There are also no Fed chicks every every strip could we go to an LA has at least four Fed chicks working there

That was my nice way of saying that oh You don't walk in like oh, what a surprise. I thought this was a strip club, not a way watchers' conventions. Oh, Peg, walk into a strip club today. That was my, that was maybe one of my favorite moments of my life. Weirdly, was making that was after the first bar, which I got to apologize for everybody for those, the karaoke bars that we ended up going to.

The first one was like a laser disco tech, which was terrible. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. We made the decision to go there. Snow and it's fault. Everyone's throwing out recommendations and trying to help us out, but it wasn't a great place. Everyone was kind of packed in there like Sardines. So we went, it was one of those nights where somebody, somebody had mentioned early on that they were going to a strip club and you get that,

you get that wild hair, you know. It's like an egg that's been laid or something. Like a little piece of dirt and a clamp. A little seed has been planted. Yeah. Oh yeah, you've got to make a pearl around the, yeah, like a like a, like a, like a dirt and a clamp. It'll see, it has been planted. Yeah. Oh yeah, you've got to make a curl around the, yeah, like a, like a, like a, like a kernel on your teeth. You can't, like some dude will just say, well, we're off to a strip club, and it'll be like two in the afternoon, and you'll start thinking, what the fuck, what was,

yeah, why did I, why did I forget that I could go to strip clubs? Why did I, what happened to me as a man that I have, how, when's the last time I've been to one? And you start, because if you've been to one recently, you think I'm not going back to the fuck strip clubs. Way too expensive. Yeah, right?

Yeah, yeah. Way too fucking expensive. But then if it's been a while, I'm like, what the hell, why don't I go? And you kind of give yourself a pep talk, like you say, no, no, no, there's got to be a reason why I don't go. They're not, they're not for that fun. Try to talk yourself out of it, but that seed keeps growing,

and that kernel keeps festering. So by the end of the night, I was like, it was Ben from Drunken Peasants, who said, right away, well, we're going to, we're going to strip up, see you later. Uh, let me know if I like, fuck. Yeah, why aren't we doing that? Why are we got to care, let's, we got to get these guys out of here. Mm-hmm. So we went to another bar, and I was like,

well, do you want to go to Strip Club or a bar? I was like, yeah, it would seem degenerate if I said Strip Club right away. So, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. How, make sure you get a bar next to a Strip Club though. Yeah. So we get there, we get to the bar, and I'm just like, like a child, like a five year old.

Oh, we gotta go to Strip Club. Let's go, let's go, let's go. We were not there very long. No, it's about 25 minutes. That was the fastest beer average. Maybe. Yeah. Because it's the weirdest thing is, man, the dickheads are, it's like, like, dickheads are simultaneously waves and particles. Like, they're simultaneously people, but they're also this tremendous tide

that rolls from one venue to another and there's no way to communicate with them except for making decisions and you're like, we're walking and then once everybody gets walking, there's no stopping them. You can only redirect, but if you stop, the wave will crash back and dissipate, right?

And the, everyone's dreams will have died. It's like, okay, I gotta, I gotta get in front of this before everybody gets here, before the wave arrives, we're changing the direction. Yeah. Strip club. All right. I told this story in Portland, but I got there,

and I hate, I fuck, I hate cover charges. Yeah, because Liza Keon so, so insensitively pointed out, it's a surprise box. It really is, it really is a surprise box in L.A. What you're walking into when you kick open those double doors, those padded doors and the strip club, when you kick open that, yeah, those final doors, to let you know that classy things are happening in this establishment. It's a surprise, you know, sometimes,

sometimes you get a happy meal toy inside. Sometimes you get it, sometimes jokes on you. There are so many strip clubs in LA. Do you think some of it is just catering to different fetishes or likes? Some of that has got to happen, right? No, I think that part of the deal in LA is levels of extreme poverty and health,

you would say, mixed with extreme desperation and actresses and like attention whores who have nothing, who have no way to support themselves on the on the far fun end. And like the and they're all like extremely unstable. And then the other end is some amount of like destitution and along with that comes unhealthy lifestyles that produces perhaps bodies that you wouldn't put on a mud flap, let's say. Yeah.

Right? And maybe Portland doesn't have that. I don't know. I'm not here to solve. I'm not here to figure out the problem. I just identify it. Yeah. Okay.

But when we got there, I said fuck cover charges. I fucking hate paying them. I don't want these guys to feel robbed. Like I led my people out of Egypt, which was a karaoke bar in the situation and brought them to the promised land and then then turn around and saying, Moses, the promised land is fucking,

is full of fat chicks, it's like sucks, right? We want our 10 bucks back. Sorry guys. I could get a couple of your 10 bucks back, but I can't get all of your 10 bucks back. No. So I went in there, Marched right up to this guy, and I said, hey, Marched right up to the woman in charge.

Hey, I need to talk to your manager. And she goes, whoa, no one's ever talked to me in that way before. Yeah. She said, well, our manager's right outside. How did that way before. Yeah. She's well-known managers right outside. How did you know that I'm not the manager, did? Because she's touching money. Managers, I know managers aren't touching the money.

Right, you point me to your fucking manager. So she points outside and I go up and I say, hey, she said he's a big, some own guy outside. I said, perfect. This guy's gonna be a real bastard. Per, you know? So she said, hey, Mau So I said, hey Maui. Say, hey Maui, get your fat ass.

I said, hey Maui, who the, your fat ass on over here? Get on your canoe and wiggle your, those fat tits over here, you son of a bitch, just to, you know, assert my dominance and then negotiation. Right, you're fucking smashed as ukulele. Yeah, right. Hey, hey is. and then negotiation. Right. You fucking smashed his ukulele. Right. Hey, hey is. Why don't you coronary your bitch ass over here.

I got a deal to strike with. The devil came up to Portland. All right, you son of a bitch. Oh. I said, I need to get all my guys in. All my guys in for a hundred bucks. That's it. That's the deal. A hundred bucks and he goes, how many guys do you have?

50. Because you're full of shit. I said, get out, get your ass out here. Maui. And we walked outside and I was like, hey, raise your hand if you're here to see the dick show, right? Yeah, going down and all these fucking dudes. Yeah, this whole fucking line of guys out the strip girl is like,

that's fucking right, dude. I bet you did think I was full of shit. These guys are ramped up. They're amped to fuck up. They're just drunk enough that they're not gonna be, that they're not gonna cause a scene you get and he looked at me and goes, okay, for the agreed amount.

That's fine, that's good. I went in there and slapped it down, man, watching. I was slapping these guys on the, get in there, you get in, have a good time, get in there. Get in, get in, get in, get in there. I felt like a coach with a never ending world series team. Yeah. Yeah. You get a, I got a, I think every single guy, you keep them up. Look at shoes. Bam. You can, you can, of course, you can touch them. Everything you've heard about touching is a lie. I really hope one of the local Portland kids calls

in to explain that Portland strip clubs don't have a cover charge. Someone said that, but I know that what I went in and specifically asked if they did and she said they did. I mean, I guess, yeah, maybe somebody, somebody said that too and I was like, Hey, buddy, what are you trying to do here? Come on. I'm gonna fuck up my happy memory of my life. It was like the Andy Kaufman, Melkin Cookies thing after he played at Carnegie Hall. Yeah. Well, terrific story. Right back to the beginning. Right back to the beginning.

People don't know that reference. Andy Kaufman played Carnegie Hall, which is big for a comedian. And then afterwards he took the audience out to Melkin Cookies. And obviously I love Eddie Kaufman. Yeah. Was he never stopped fucking with people? Nope.

Um, let's see. Do I have any more Portland news? The, the giant penises, the seven foot tall penis guys, we're fucking hilarious. Yeah, I took a look in the back. I saw those two monstrosities come through the door. And I thought that the dick show is running people's lives at this point.

Yeah, I don't even know where I exist. No, I, I underestimate the dickheads at every turn. I mean, it's like, how much effort could you possibly put into something? And then there's more. Yeah, then there's huge, like when I looked out and saw the one huge penis like oh man That's dope and then I see a double-drawn yeah, oh his head around. Yeah, that's a fuck. Yeah Guys totally did not even know each other or anything what I came home to some terrifying news. Really?

I came home and it was a very, I'm fucking exhausted. With all this lawsuit shit and the bonus episode, fuckery and excitement. Ben from Drunken Peasants dropping the most hilarious scotch. That was amazing. Oh, because I was, I was privy to none of that. Me, like that was just, I was in the crowd for that one.

Just me too. Like everybody else. Me too. When the video comes out, I think Sean's got to edit the audio. And then the video for Portland's going to come out probably maybe by Wednesday, maybe by, maybe Wednesday night or Thursday,

Ben from the Drunken Peasants was there, who's a fucking great guy. And I hit him out. He really is. Yeah, he's really a really mellow, just regular dude. And it turns out that the Drunken Peasants is still going. Like they had an acrimonious breakup, like Maddox and I did,

but apparently both of them were able to work it out. The drunk and peasants podcast is still going. It's still, it's still fucked. It's still the breakup is fucked, but they always are, right? But at least he's, at least he can keep going and he doesn't have a specter of a lawsuit in him and a, and a insane accusations of being a rape apologist surrounding him. And you can just do his comedy and penis, right? So he was there.

And as we've all always suspected, when Maddox was on the Drunken Pesence show, he gave them a block list of things that people weren't allowed to say. Ben produces out of no out of his pocket. Like we just bring it up in conversation. Now, do you happen to have this list? A matter of fact, I do whips this thing out. And it's like, it's a direct message from Maddox to him with the goofiest dumbest, weirdest block list that you've, that you've ever seen, like weird hacker speak of dick masters and with eyes replaced with ones, like a real insight into the mind of an unstable man.

Uh, it's hilarious and all of our, none of us knew that he had it. None of us knew he's going to read it. All of our reactions are, um, genuine genuine genuine genuine, genuinely hilarious. Uh, I can't wait for that. Another hero of the road of the road rage show apparently is this, the woman who was organizing the stage had really tremendously enormous cans. On a platter.

Yeah, did you guys did both of you guys see this? Absolutely. Okay, I got a load up to picture here, so everybody on the stream can see it. Yeah, that was. I always love coming back to the comments to see what people picked up on. And this was like, this was number one. That was posted up to the four million show was done, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I was. Because I did see them live. And I didn't think anything

of it other than to just like keep staring at her whenever I fucking had a single moment to spare. But Mad Cux, the hero he is, Mad Cux set up a stream. Yeah. And she happened to spend a lot of time in front of it. Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Yeah, there it is for anybody watching the stream here.

My goodness gracious. Oi. Owaaachimachi. Ha ha ha. Oi. Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, really makes me rage this week. I got back in 80s, girl, says, well, I cleaned up the house, made you dinner. I was like, oh, that's awesome. She says, I also cleaned up the studio a little bit, best I could, and I said, what?

What? What do you, what do you, what? Wow. You did what? Cleaned up, because it is an absolute disaster in here. With stuff like fun stuff leftover. It's like a continual party has been exploding for two years in the studio.

But I know where every single thing is. You're the archeologist. I have man, I have that man autism that we all have where you point me at a pile of shit. If I built that pile, I know where every single thing is inside of it. I think that really is a guy thing. We have visual memories, don't we?

It's, they should study it because if you told me, I bet they haven't because you're not allowed to do this kind of pro-men research. Oh, you can Science it's this kind of research cannot be done. You will get your grant pull if it's anything positive pro-men You'll get your grant money balls chop right off if it's like if you told me that birds can find their way home Because if they can see the magnetic fields of the earth to I would have said, you were, I've told someone this, you're full of shit, you idiot. What are you talking about?

They have magnet, magnet, magnetic eyeballs in their heads. It's not a real thing. I googled it, fuck, it's cryptochrome, right? I think it is called. So they can actually, codec makes it. Yeah, codec makes it. I think it's cryptochrome, I don't know. It's Kodakrome.

I think that men have a similar kind of storage apparatus in their brains, where if you built a pile, you know where everything in that pile is. So I said to her, what the hell are you talking about? What do you mean? What do you mean?

What do you mean straightened up? That's the last, oh honey, I straightened up your work bench. Don't worry, I put everything away, it was away. Everything that was on, everything in the pile was ordered in the order of when I thought I was gonna get around to it. Okay? I had screws in front for a mount that I was gonna do, then I had a cable behind that, then I had a USB,

and this was all, I built this all in a last in first, in a first in last out order. You know, that's how the tasks work as a man. You get the task, you decide to abandon it, and go watch TV, and you put it down. Then when you get another task, you do the same thing. So that when you get around to them, the last one in is the first one you pick up again. That's the most important. It's how you don't do things and keep records at the same time. Right. Exactly. Like a totem pole of failure is the stack of things

I need to do. So of course, the first fucking thing I need to do. I got this beautiful new camera for the studio. Finally, and it looks great. I think, I don't know, like a nice olive tan complexion, even though I feel like hell from the trip. Think I look good, you guys look terrible, you look like ghosts.

First thing I do, oh, where the fuck are the screws? Where's the screws that the things that are supposed to hold the camera to the wall? Where's the screws? I know I have, because I didn't touch them. Let me ask again. I know this routine. I know this like when, while like when cops are investigating a witness, that's when you're asking women where they put something, hey where did you put the remote? I don't know, okay, let me sweet, look can I, does that, they're all like criminal informants right? They're like, let me see what, what can I do to sweeten the deal of where this information

might have gone, right? Okay, I understand, don't worry, you're not on trial here. I just need some information from you. Don't worry, right? Here's, how about I slip you a little something? How about I slip you a little compliment, right? Oh, oh yeah, does that jar your memory? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, officer, officer man.

I think I remember, I might remember something about those screws you're talking about. There was a bunch of stuff, officer man, I think I remember, I might remember something about those screws you're talking about. There was a bunch of stuff, unnecessary stuff, on the washing machine that I stuffed into a cupboard. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

I can, I might be back. Keep your nose clean. Keep your fucking nose clean. Johnny, won't, woman, Johnny four fingers, whatever the criminal informin' is. Don't put anything else away. Don't, yeah. I'll be back.

I could be back at any minute. I'm the police. Uh, so I go into the cupboard, start rooting around. And I see screw adjacent things. Wires, bits, bits, bits, this is how women clean. The bit goes in the case of all the other bits

with its family. It doesn't go, you know? Wait, so are you saying that some of those bits actually stayed at the house? Oh, that they were just paying for the home depot? He wasn't just, you wasn't just buying what's his face? No, no, no, no, no. Smile, you're talking about the bits that smiley stole?

Yeah. No, smiley stole, those were drill bits. These are screwdriver bits. Oh, for like a gun. Yeah, I could get good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, alright. Those bits are gone. Oh.

I said, oh, some bits. This seems like if I know anything about me making piles of shit, I would have put the screw bits next to the screws, right? First in, last out, right? Right, so I go rooting around some more. And I find a little, I find the velvet pouch that Steven put my pen in that he sent to me. Remember the pen, the pen that Steven made? Yeah, yeah. I found, I, I'm just on a whim. On a whim, my man cop instincts are kicking in that I have developed over years of over years of being on the force. Yeah.

Of this of these woman, woman related crimes of kidnapping my things and putting them away. And I said, you know what? My, my are, my cop senses are telling me to look at that. So I touch it, pick it up, and I hear a little jingling. I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. I up in this one inch by six inch pouch. Sean, it's a velvet pouch. What did you ever think to stick anything in this? I hid them from you, so they wouldn't get lost.

And outtumbles, the four screws that all look exactly the same and look brand new. They don't look like they were unscrewed out of anything. They don't look like they belong with other screws. They don't look like they go to a computer. They look like screws that came with something. But where's the thing they came with? Yeah.

That's what I want to know, right? And a totally other room. It makes no fucking, so I, of course, I come back, mash them up and I say, hey, I go back. We, you know, it turns out we solved that mystery. I don't know if you're interested in hearing the outcome of it, but they were in a Valour bag in a drawer in the closet 10 feet away from where I had them in a room

All on their own where I do my work out of yeah, that's what that's what happened to them just I don't know that Oh, that's good that you found them Yeah, you know Just I don't know that. Oh, that's good that you found them. Yeah. You know, I went ahead and straightened your things up while you were gone. Boy, I need two security systems. One for inside the house. Yeah, I think every guy will know, understand that one. Uh-huh. Let me see here. What else makes me rage?

They're making a Johnny Walker for women. Do you see that one? No, Jane Walker. This is a joke, right? This is, I thought it was too. Let me show you. Jane Walker. Yeah.

Jane Walker Scotch. Okay. Flavored. Apple Deity whiskey. No, I mean, I'm guessing it's, no. It's Jane Walker. So just marketing to celebrate women. Well, I'm never buying Johnny Walker again.

I mean, I tell you something. What's, how is it, how is it special though for the woman? Well, it's got the little picture of the lady on the front. But is it, is it some kind of a special blend selected by the master distiller? No, because they, no, they would have had to start making that years ago, right? I mean, I'm sure they're going to say that, but. No, but they also, some distilleries buy scotch from other distilleries and then it's up to the master distiller to make a blend.

I didn't read anything about it being any kind of like pH balanced for women you're saying. Yeah. I just, you know, I mean, there's got to be, there's got to be just one more layer as all I'm asking for. Yeah, I got that layer for you. Yeah. All right, because this coach alerted me to this interesting trend. I don't think he has the layer.

No, I got a layer. I got a fucking layer. It turns out that women are in charge of at least like 60 to 80% of every purchasing decision that goes on in your house. Okay. So check out these numbers. Yeah, 91% that's something I've heard for years.

91% of new homes, 66% of PCs, 92% of vacations. This is decided by, this is like, they're not paying for it, but the purchasing power is from them. So no matter what the name says on the credit card, a woman made that purchase 80% of health care 93% of 93% of food 90% of bank accounts 65% of new cars which makes which made me think the strangest thing right So you got you've got An overwhelming number of some of these purchases being made

by women. Right. Why wouldn't a hundred percent of the advertisements and the labeling and every, like, behind at them. Yeah. Like there's no chic women and regular chic. It's, they're both chic for women. They're buying both of them. So like every single fucking, every single product, no matter who it's for, should at least have a strong nod toward appealing to women. Or should might as well just be entirely appealing to them. Yeah. We're heading for, I'm imagining just,

it's a terrifying fucking thought that like every, we're living in a time where I've got a silver can in my hand because advertising companies thought men were making the call. The future is going to be entirely women's shit. Like cans are, they're gonna all be pink, dude. Everything about everything, everything you buy is just gonna appeal to your wife or girlfriend

and you're gonna get stuck with it. And you know what, it's gonna work. Well, I've never seen, I've never seen it broken down like that, but I've heard for- It's fucking terrifying. What I've heard for as long as I can remember that women do make most of the purchasing decisions. 95% of women identified themselves

as the primary shoppers for their household. It's fucking true. There's no, I wouldn't believe you if you said that wasn't true. No. Oh, if I were on that food, I'll just go out and eat dirt out of the ground. I don't care. There's a lot of decisions made because the guys like, I don't know, I don't want to put

energy into this conversation because you're not going to, yeah, you're not going to let it go. You're just going to ultimately, let's just cut to the chase and just buy what you want. I'm fine with either one. I just don't wanna hear you explain it to me. Well, any more the rationale for why you want one versus the other.

I'm fine either way, I'm good, I'm good. Just get the goddamn thing. And it's its own nightmare. It's its own nightmare having to endlessly compare one thing to the other and you get it and it's like, it wasn't good as it didn't have the other thing. It's making these fucking choices

of which one to get, just, I just want to offload it all. I hate it so much. And it's gonna cost a lot because everything that's running ads, I'm talking about like Google, Facebook, listen listen listen okay when cars are all self-driving and nobody buys their own car anymore because all you do is fire up the Uber app or whatever app it is and request the car at your place and there's no driver to pay so So all you're literally paying for the cost of gasoline.

Yeah. Like when all the cars are self-driving, all you're going to pay for is the gasoline. Whatever that costs. There's nothing else. There's not what there's a minute, minute school amount of infrastructure to keep it going. And then somebody's going to say, hey, why are they even paying for gas? Let's just show ads in the fucking car. Where's it driving around? We'll make that gas money back right away. You're gonna, Sean, you're entire,

why are we selling houses? Why don't we just buy houses and put out your entire life is going to be ads for women. This is the future in 200 years. It's not gonna be Star Trek. You're just gonna be sitting there watching hunky men hit on slightly overweight housewives to sell you, beer, through your wife

who's gonna make the decision for you. Like, what the fuck, where do we fucking go wrong? Why did we let them decide to buy all this shit? I can't take it, it's the, because it's the fucking ads, dude. It's all, have you seen all the like anti-NRA shit that's going on on Twitter right now? No, no, I mean, I'm not on Twitter,

but it's all, you find me just around. Yeah, companies are tripping over themselves to say that they don't offer the NRA discounts. Ah, we're not, fuck the NRA. We're not giving them, we're not giving NRA members a discount to shit anymore. Yeah. Cause, cause that, that's just a speckable organization, right?

Even though that, even though that cop that was armed ran away and proved that everyone needs to arm themselves to the teeth, because no one's there for you, even though that happened. If that's, yeah. I hate you. He just released a statement today that said he thought the shooting was coming from outside the school, I guess. I, that's what he thought I heard. He thought it was coming from outside the school and he resigned.

Yeah. No, I know. No, I know. It's not saying it's what had happened was I thought that it was coming from across the street underneath my bulletproof blanket. So I ran over there and got under there to apprehend the shooter. And it was big surprise to me when it turned out to be coming from the kids I was supposed to be protecting.

You know what? I don't even blame that guy. Here two days from retirement. He was actually eligible for retirement. Oh, that's why you know, you think you don't get the best cops watching the fucking schools. I don't think, you know, so he was down like a good challenge on the way out. Oh no, he gets his retirement and everything. That's the fucking thing. So he didn't he didn't resign and now like he doesn't get his benefits or

retirement. No, I get everything. They always get everything. Yeah, he's just going to get to stay at home and like watch TV and drink beer that is, I guess his wife pays for and collect his 90% pension or whatever, just cops get in Broward County. Yeah. Good for him. I don't even, it actually annoyed me that people are taking out so much aggression on him.

I don't even know you know. Yeah, no, that is weird because normally you're stuck from taking out aggression on the shooter because the shooter's dead But in this case the shoot is still a lot right right and he's catching trial. Why is never when met at him? Well, it's the one who did the god I think they are, but it's also like I mean, yeah, I guess so what he's supposed to just run in there and So what everyone would you be happy if he's dead?

Because of Like because we were riding him a paycheck for so long. Like they're not human body sheet, like they're people. They're, you know, they're in. That's what their job is to go in. Is it though? Yeah. I don't, yeah, I don't think, I don't think that's a job.

Like I don't think you can make a deal. Like here, Keon, Keon, you're a lawyer. I you can make a deal. You're a lawyer. I can't make a contract. It's like, okay. I've been making fun of this. I've been fucking with this guy. I've been poking this dog across the street for 10 weeks. And I've got a giant stake in my pants.

And I'll pay you $3. And when that dog, when I go outside, I'm gonna shove you in front of the dog, right? And then you're like, okay, I'll take you $3. I'm gonna go outside and you're like, see ya. I'm like, oh, I'm paying, like, they're supposed to. No, that would be a legally enforceable contract. That would be illegal if that's great.

Absolutely, yeah. We only have to do, give the money back. Maybe we'd have to give the money back. That would be normal. Choose your own dog. Possibly reimburse you for any damages you suffer, like if the dog attacks you and that guy's job to protect you from the dog. Yeah, absolutely. That's hilarious. Get her on the back. Yeah, give the $3 back plus anything else.

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong on it, but they're supposed, that's what they're, that's what they're signing up for. They're supposed to do that. Yeah, but you know, you've no color. I know people here. What's the thing? Oh, no, of course, because they can't do that. No, no, no, no, no. I know, I know he's not signing up to do that. I know, for sure. Yeah, for sure, for sure.

Like that, and that's, and the answer is, I can be dropped something in my house and it moves that away. Oh, you should have got that stain on your shirt. Yeah, nobody, nobody really knows. And people talk a lot of stuff about... Everybody talks so much shit. It's like the only right answer is, you don't know. You don't know.

Except for Trump, he knows. What? No. He said, you never really... Yeah, I was actually surprised. He said, you never know. You never really know until you're tested. But I would like to think, and then you went on to the next of the rest of the...

Well, here's the other thing, which I thought was actually surprisingly, you know, wasn't a crazy statement from him. You should listen to more from him directly then, because he's only talk sense. Yeah. Here's the thing, I would like to think that I would do it. Like I would like to think that I would,

you know, look and run in. And I would also like to think that I would have some good zinger who's lined up. I don't see why that lethal weapon for him at the end. Yeah. But if it would have turned out that I would get killed, I would like to have thought that I would not do it. Yeah. And I think that's universal, right? Self-preservation, I think is a high priority. Like everybody's like, oh, you should have actually done it. You should have absolutely done it. Okay, but what if you would have not,

because you're thinking you would have kicked the guys as. Yeah, what if you would have known, what if you would know that you're gonna die, then Debbie the answer, still would have done it. You're insane then. Right. Okay, you served it. There are a few people.

Go ahead. I was just gonna say, there are some people who would probably still do it, but I think it is drastically less fewer than... That's what's odd to me too though. Yeah. Because then it's like this weird, I have to do it for too.

I have to shite. What if your kids in there? like, I have this. I have this. I have this. I have this. What if you're, what if, what if, what if your kids in there? Well, I mean, then it's, it's just different. It's no question, right? Right. But if it's just random people, it turns into this weird equation of like, oh no. Okay, so you'd be a hero. But did you eat today and let other people starve?

Why is that different? Like because it's not on TV. That kids starve to death and you ate. Like, why the, like, how is, how is everybody so violently reacting to this one thing? But there's so, there's so much suffering that goes on every day that just skates by. It's like, yeah, because it's on TV.

That's why. Right? Well, and it's a sudden, it's a, it's a very sudden thing that can be, that can be dealt with like immediately. Like hunger is like an ongoing thing. Like that particular situation though is like, you know, it's like bam, bam. So do you know what I'm saying? Bam. It is, but that's why it makes me such a rage because everybody gets, it's like everybody gets to show off. That's part of it. Everybody gets to pause.

Can't believe it. Can't believe it. I could, I mean, I could believe it. I think. Yeah, right. More unmovable things are happening. Ah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Like, oh shit, I'm at work. Like, I mean, if you've ever jerked off, if you've ever caught yourself idly jerking off at your cubicle, at your paper factory, whatever, then you understand what it means. He's going, oh shit, I was at work, I was supposed to. Right? Yeah, I mean, you say that, but at the same time,

I'm sure that if you go in there, you get shot, and then as you're dying, you're like, oh, I wish I I never did that. You wake up in a white room and cue from Star Trek comes down, just like that episode where they let Captain Picard take back. Oh yeah. Yeah. So then you wake up and set a cap into the enterprise.

You're an astrology officer on the enterprise. And instead of Dick Masterson, the podcast, so you're going to wake up and realize that you're selling your own like a sandwich as a stereos. That start that start check episode really annoyed me. Okay. Because it was, first of all, it was the finale. Oh wait, no, it wasn't the finale.

Sorry, the finale was when Picard created life. On Earth created the human, right? He was the anomaly that created life. The episode where Q, do you know the one we're talking about, Sean, when Q sends Picard back in time to fix a bar fight that he got into with a Nosykin over a game of, yeah, yeah, because he got Stamjat. Because he got Stamjat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it that he got into with a Nosykin over a game of a damn shot because he got stabbed.

Tom Jot was it? He got stabbed, right? Tom Jot. Yeah, it stabbed. Yeah, because he was showing off. Right. That's right. And the Nosykin stabs him and he had to get a new heart.

Right. And like because he was, because he turned into, he was such a pussy after that, he just was like a blue shirt and piece of shit. He was taking shit from Riker. Yeah, cool. He was taking shit from him. That was the, that wasn't as bad because Jordy's in it. That was, Jordy, seeing Jordy give shit was satisfying.

Yeah, good. Fucking Jordy takes shit all the time. It's about time Jordy gets to reprimand some because everyone's always like, Jordy, uh, fucking computers, they're not working, dude. Let's go and he's like, yeah, but it's, you know, it's a computer, he's like, let your fucking job, Jordy, he's always getting shit.

You get the fucking computers back, come on, you get the warp, driving you piece of shit, you blood piece of shit. I don't care how many spectrums you can see, you dumb motherfucker, you get the only spectrum I see as a warped corn, I'm fucking working. And he's a fuck. Jordan gets beat every time he's on screen.

And he handles it with class. But then that one episode where he has a little bit over Picard, oh, he's like, I'm disappointed in you. You can see him take it out down like, yes. These people are humans after all. That's what people do. Yeah, that's what people do. That was the same level as soon as you get up above

that other guy, you know that guy and all of a sudden it's like, the fuck, man? That was like the episode of undercover boss. Yeah, when Picard went back in time and became the blue shirt. But the worst part of that episode was that he sits down with Ryker and he's like, I think I want to be a captain and I want to move up more

and Ryker gives him that smug ass. He looks at Troy and then looks back at Picard and laughs. Oh, you had to look at your woman first. You had to make this a weird sexual thing, you piece a shit-breaker. But then the lesson was that nothing ever happens for a reason of that. Q's point was don't get into fights in a bar and get your heart stabbed and it will only get fixed because of the technology that we have. But if you didn't do it, it would have fucked up your whole life.

Like, uh, so what did, what did you put in the captain's log on that day? Captain's log, why am I even here? Like why don't I, why don't I take this ship straight to the big titty horror planet and just live like Columbus. I haven't even arrived at my fucking life, isn't it? Yeah, rise of it. It's a rise of the world. Why the fuck, like he didn't even learn the right lesson,

the right lesson was, Picard, nothing fucking matters. Like you can be, you can fuck with, no, you can die and get brought back because of technology and nothing matters. There's no point to anything. Just abuse whatever power you have, that's what you fucking did. Queue even told him to do that, right?

Yeah, don't worry, I'll make it so that everything is the same except you. Galaxas are gonna keep on spinning. No more wars are gonna happen. Oh boy. You know what, the second thing that makes me rage about that, everyone piling on that guy is like this collective, this collective pressure that we have on people to die,

like on men especially to do things that will kill them. Yeah, okay. Right? Yeah. Because you say, like, here's something, here's something you'd say to somebody, hey, if you get mugged, just get the money up. Your life's not worth it. Yeah. But then in this case, it's like, well, we paid him.

So, our mug. Our mugger, in this case, we need that money back. Or we die, or die. It's fucked. Yeah, I'm not saying anybody's wrong, but it is fucked and interesting and weird. It is interesting, like, because I think people are super pissed that he gets, that he gets

that he gets his money. Yeah, I'm pissed too. Yeah, I'm fucking pissed too. And there's also, because there's also a part of every man who's like, I fucking wish I would have been in that situation. Then I'd be on the news, right? Then I'd get rid of this fucking,

that my whole life would be better. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. It makes everybody upset. That's always interesting. The share of threw him under the bus immediately.

I mean, if I fucking immediately, probably to deflect from the fact that like, you know, there's been millions of reports on this fucking wacko kid and they didn't everybody just fucking look the other way and went back to jacking off. Yeah. I mean, just, I don't know anything. I'm dead. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I know, I know I'm know I know I'm wrong. I know I'm wrong in this case. Everyone's saying, well, it's what they're about. That's their whole job. It's like, yeah, I mean, that can't be a job. It's not a fucking job. Right? I guess.

I don't know. I don't know. I think the bottom line is that that kind of stuff is just going to happen. Yeah. All that. And there's, I don't think that there's not, we're not, we're not okay with that either though. No, no, we're not. No, of course we're not. We said, screen for this stuff. They're supposed to be courageous. I, I don't think you'll ever eliminate it. I don't think you'll

ever. I'm not. Well, not to we have like terminator, Android's guarding our, guarding our key. I don't fucking want those either. The T1000 just hanging out outside of school yard. Turned to be a homeless guy, some guy comes in, turns into a tank or whatever they turn into. Yeah. Yeah. I know I'm wrong.

So everybody knows, I know I'm wrong. I've just learned, I've, I've just learned not to expect anything. It's the magic feather. That's why everyone's so upset. Because they need, they need to believe that we can height, that there are heroes for hire. They need to believe that if we pay money,

you will do this thing. That they're not, they're not a possible thing that you might be asked to do. And we're gonna whittle you down to the lowest amount that you will accept for a potential reality that you cannot conceive of, because it can't be tested or explained or passed on from one person to another.

That's right. I have a receipt. I have a receipt. Which is why you never really know. Did you $15 an hour for the past year? How could you run it and get shot for those kids? really know. Did you $15? I bet you. For the past year, how come you didn't run in? How pissed? Shot for those kids.

I don't know. But it's everyone's upset. Yeah. It's a big story. Let me see here. What else do I have? Oh, here's what makes me rage. People who don't turn the fan on when they hit the the crapper. You know what? It's, this was road rage, oh road rage Portland man. Not loud enough bathroom fans. Okay. Yeah. You guys were there. Yeah. Keanu, I know you were there. You were you were holding an orchestra. Was there when you... I believe it. Shit, if you had that many waffles, you would have too.

Yeah, Kean made a bad thing. Well, there's many waffles. That's my idea. Didn't have that many waffles. It turns out Kean orders breakfast and he says he could eat 10 waffles. Okay, to be fair, someone asked me. I said, how many waffles do you think you could eat?

I, you said I could eat a little. Shit, look, I'm a horse. I'm a horse. I am. And he said, how many waffles do you think you can do? A horse couldn't eat that many waffles. 10 waffles,. Oh, I'm a horse. I'm a horse. I am. And he said, how many waffles do you think you need? A horse couldn't eat them any waffles. 10 waffles, he says. It's in no way.

And Diego, I think you should try it. See what you can do. We ordered him 10 waffles and he says he can turn to the servingers. You know that scramble I ordered? Hold the potatoes. Add 10 waffles. Still. Bring me the scramble though.

Yeah. We're in there. We're, uh, it's Portland. And of course, I bring a fret party to this little boutique branchery, right? Where they bring out Keehan's stack of 10 wafflesaffles like it's a dead pig and drop it on the table like we're at a lieu out and we're Chanting with our Forks and knives like Ziggy Piggy Ziggy Piggy We're also amped up to see if Keon can eat these ten waffles a great reference

We're grabbing these waffles and they're like the size of books. I can't make the fuck up of not seeing how big the waffles were before. They were very close to an inch thick. Yeah. But even worse, they were soaked with sugar and syrup. Yeah, they were soaked. That's true. They were very sweet.

They were caramelized on the outside. I ate three of them. And I think that's what, because I felt sick for the first 40 minutes of the show and I think it was from those fucking waffles earlier in the day. I never felt right after that. I think the show of Sean says, I was gonna throw up in the first 40 minutes.

That's why I didn't say anything. Oh, that's a lot. Yeah. It was pretty quiet anyway, but. 70% sugar by weight, easy. Like after number four and a half, like my eyes started jittering and like I was getting just attention to headache,

I could see sound, it was awful. So there's the five of us. I could see sound. There's the five of us screaming at each other, you're kidding those waffles? There's like at the side of this fucking wall. It's not fucking away, you're gonna get in there. Not, yeah, not one person wanted him to do it.

Oh, like I was just like, damn, I'd like to see that. It was like, no, you fucking suck. There's no way you can eat those fucking, what an idiot. You can't even eat five, you bitch. I got five. And meanwhile, like I happen to be sitting at the edge of the table next to another table.

And he's like two older women were having like a menopausal eat prey loves it. Like one's like, yeah, well I just, I think it's time for me. And I just don't even want to think about him this whole weekend. And the other one's like, you know what? Absolutely. This is what we're going to do. She's talking about all these, I turn over to them because I hear part of what they're talking about. And it's, it's, I turn over to them because I hear part of what they're talking about.

And it's, it's what I think would be happening in this. And then I was like, ah, you're a bitch. You're such a bitch. They should get out. That was funny. Yeah, that was a good one. I forget why I brought that up. Doesn't matter.

No, it doesn't matter. Oh yeah. But that's why the toilet situation and then Airbnb, man. Oh right, right, right. These motherfuckers, I don't know if in the 50s, men had shits that were like squirrel farts or something that they came out silently.

Like I don't know if everyone's assholes were looser, back then from all the labor that they had to do and they didn't need that loud of a ceiling fan. But these ceiling fans are like, you turn it on and it's like a computer fan that are louder than the bathroom fans at some of these places. And we've got eight people there saying, well, I've been delaying this all day. I might as well go, okay, if everyone will excuse me,

I'm about to go play a concerto that I call the farting ghost. So the shitting ghost. So you're in there like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I'll just play like blueberry hill I go and I like Like how you walk out as I thank you. Thank you very much. Uh next Keon will be playing a Spanish fleet Spanish Spanish fleet page if you'd like to sing along I printed out the lyrics for you, so you don't forget them. Yeah, Beethoven's third movement. There's a switch.

There's a switch. There's a switch. Somebody's gonna make a zillion dollars making a fan suitable for the modern males, farts, and poops that properly drowns them out. I'm talking about like some kind of military technology that hears the sound and plays the opposing wave to nullify face cancellation, face cancellation,

full phase cancellation. They have the next best thing in Japan. What do they have? Women's bathrooms, they have these little panels and installs that anytime you think you're about to make a real loud shit sound, you press it and it just makes some other noise to mask. Like a lion.

Yeah, like a lion. I think the most common ones, the sound like a toilet flushing, but they might have other sounds right now too. Oh my God. Well, now everybody just knows. Yeah. You know, I think they're not here in the specific zone. Yeah, I know I'm here, but you can't flush the toilet

because then there you have, there's a delay. So you have to save up your flush for the boss. It's like you're hoarding ammo in a video game. Yeah. I can't flush yet. I know there's a big one coming. That's a good idea. It's gotta be loud though. Just like 40 decibels.

Let's say I have a jet engine taking off from all your feet away. Voice actor told me that in the booth, sometimes you'll like a lot of the, I think a lot of the good shows are still recorded with ensemble cast, you know, you get like four, five, six actors in the booth at the same time and they'll like run scripts, they'll run lines.

And they told me about a concept called Shaw Shanking. Just like, you have like really bad farts. You've tried to cover it with like a throat clear or something like that. When he sees like, it's something like that when he says, he's like, it's always like really mistime too, where it's just like, oh, you know.

I met a guy at Road Rage that said he could fart on command. Some people can do that. Yeah, I told him it's all on command. He said he could fart in key. And I said, there's no fucking, no fucking way. Well, that's quite some, that's, that's real control. If you haven't said he could, excuse me, How many can fart on key? I don't know. Okay. And shit on command. I said, well, you better call in, man. Yeah. Well, the okay. All right. Well, never heard

anything like that. Oh, but the Shawshanking because he waits for the lightning and the thunder to strike when he hits the thing with the rock. And it's, let me see what else. In case you needed the end to that story. Very interesting, Sean. Very interesting sound from a professional sound engine. Yeah, yeah. Sadly, I've never been on a session where that happened. For someone who didn't know. Yeah.

No. Oh, I think it'd be fucking hilarious. Oh, okay. I think it'd be hilarious. Let me see here. I got anything else. Oh, Ken Dall and Hyde wrote a song about the woman stacking chairs. Would you like to hear that? Absolutely.

Stacking chairs? Yeah. He wrote like a song about that woman. Wait, you mean at the road rage? Yeah. Yeah. The real star, right? Yes, you mean at the road rage? Yeah. Yeah. The real star, right? Yes, the real star of road rage Portland.

Two chairs become one, it's called. Hmm. There was another check. It was a taller blonde check who was putting up tables and stacking chairs. She was hot. Dude, that's why the strip clothes were so great. Yeah. Because there's so many hot like, they really are.

I was so hot in Portland. They didn't do their hair. Yeah. Did you notice that? It looked like they had tumbleweeds on top of their head. Yeah, there were a lot of good looking women in Portland, man, but it's like that that city, the people, I think that I think a lot of them are fucking awful. Really why? Because they're that good looking. They have to know because they're that good looking they have no because they're because it's so they're so sjw yeah and they're so they're so morally superior to you really we found that yeah we found that a few places what did you what why just

find would you find that uh listen to what people talked about what people what clothes people wore then when we were at brunch the next day, someone pointed out that the street signs indicated that because it's so SJW there, they don't call it St. Patty's Day in Portland, they call it Irish Heritage Festival. Or something like that. And sure enough, when we were leaving, there were all these signs up on the street left

that Irish Heritage Festival. Why, why is St. Patrick, what is he, was he like a Nazi or something? Who knows? St. Patrick, I don't know. I don't know. I don't want people dressingly something? Who knows? I don't know. I don't want people dressing like leprechauns. I don't know. But, but yes, Sean, you're right.

I mean, when we got there, it was so beautiful, the scenery, everything, the water, the trees, the mountains, the snow, that within 10 minutes, I decided I wouldn't move there. And then when we were just walking around looking at all the women walking around, I knew I had to move there. I was unreal. Like, even the dumpy ones are still good looking right yeah I could I could like a yogi bearer. I could get bored. Yeah, even the dumpy ones were good looking yeah Um, Diego had us in an Airbnb between a a weed store and a liquor store and a So I got out of the middle house. I do something, I rarely do.

I turned into Dr. Manhattan and cloned myself. Yeah, I went into both stores. Yeah, yeah. It was convenient. It is convenient. I went, we went and bought a bunch of edibles just for the hell of it. So I got to that first road rage meetup.

Right when the stupid gummy was kicking in. It was a big mistake. And then when we left, when we left, we had all this leftover liquor. So we had a, we made a gift bag, which was, you know, trash bag, that's all we had. And we left it next to this homeless guy that was sleeping on the noodle house next door,

Diego went over, took like a little bag of liquor and dropped it off and like a liquor fairy. And he woke up and he goes, uh, thanks, man. And he goes, I know, you didn't see me. I'm this. I'm in your dream. And we were joking in Portland. In Portland, he would have been like, I'm gluten free.

Yeah. It's like the gluten free homeless guy and the, you know what? I'm freaking. I would love to see a homeless tent, a homeless tent off between LA and Portland. Oh, there's a lot of tents up there too. There's a lot of innovation that goes into those homeless tents. Well, it rains all the time. It rains all the time. It's freezing. It's windy as fuck.

People fuck with your tent. I don't know if either of you gentlemen have tried to build a tent, but I have had to build a tent in the elements and it was hard. It was you learn a lot of things about what bungee cords can take and how which tarp is the warmest one. I would love to see like a DIY, like a HGTV special on the homeless tents of LA because you don't, is it just like whenever I drive around an on ramp, one of those circular ones, and there's just a big homeless village in the middle, I always wanna go check it out and see,

so what'd you do? How'd you got this suspended here? Oh, that's an interesting use of zip ties that you've done there. Because there is some innovation there. I mean, it's necessity being the mother of invention and all, you know, they've created some cool little things on a single school. Ingenuity. I don don't see lifestyles of the rich and famous. I want the, I want to see the homeless tents.

No, Jimmy over there graduated engineering degree from UC Irvine, but just he likes weed too much. Man, this is how it does. He just spends all the money here. Actually works at Boeing and it's time off. All right. Here's two chairs become one. He was only one, he was only three credits away from graduating with a math degree. I kept failing him. I didn't get to the editor. Ran out of editor. Fail the twice and then he saw the trend. Yeah.

Yeah. Did that joke annoy anyone? I've heard that fucking joke. I don't know. I never heard that. He never heard Mattis' joke about how you failed the math test no failed it more the second and third time so then he noticed it was a trend it's like it's I don't remember that oh god for that

fucking joke so many times here's the here we go is so I love it already. Showed all I missed it Who's that stacking chairs? I love her, makes my heart go bitter for her Check out those milk crates Back off we're soulmates Come a little bit closer baby

Stream is on, stream is on It's the night, it's the night. Two chairs become one. I need some cans like I've never need a cans before. Want a motor? Oh, Jeff, baby, I had a little pee. Wouldn't mind one more. Can I get your number, baby?

Send your ladies free It's the only way to be You're pretty girl and awfully busty. You saw the stream and smiled at just me What's your dad like girl? What's your dad like girl? What's your dad like girl? Check it out, we both wear leather. Proof that we belong together. I'm not a weirdo.

I'm so hard on you. You're doing this yourself and you're not a weirdo. And if you're married, it's okay now baby. Get divorced. Get divorced. It's the night. tonight is the night to chairs become one. You stack those chairs like I've never seen chairs stack before, could you stack a few more babies? You're the girl I wanna be, when I go on to I'm a chart artist, babies, that your ladies breathe, you won't hear complaints from me.

When I saw you stack of those chairs, I just knew. That's the girl. That's the girl I'm gonna marry. Why'd you turn the lights off now, baby? You're not done. You're not done. I see. It's all put it on the side. Funny. Very funny.

Was well done. Hey, Matt Madcux. Colin, I see what you're saying about the shooting thing. Colin, I'll argue with you. It'll be fun. I got to thank you for doing the show. Hey, Mad Cux. Did you get home okay?

I know Mad Cux had to go from the show to another show back home. Really? Yeah, he had to like, yeah, what did you have to do, Mad Cux? I had a show today. I was actually had a rehearsal last night. And then I said, hey, yeah, I can't make it to the rehearsal until 9 o'clock. They said, yeah, that's fine. That's fine. We're going to 11. Get to the airport, get my shit, get my car from the parking place, haul ass across town, get to the venue, everybody's gone to fuck home.

Nice of them. Let you know, nobody Nobody even sent me a fucking email, nothing. God. People are such pieces as shit. The amount that you have to really learn what you have to get everyone's sense of how much they're bullshitting you. How much everyone has their own little level of how much they're lying to get you to do something that's not important. So some people say, oh, you know, it's really, it's really important that you do this.

And it's not. And some people say, oh, it's really important that you do this. And it actually is, right? You got to write the ones that say it all the time. You got to write them off and fucking immediately. Yeah. So I went in early this morning to get in to see like how fucked I was going to be at the event today.

It turns out like someone else had taken care of most of my job. So it would have been pretty easy. I don't think that person got paid, but whatever. Oh, good for you. Someone else did your job. Uh, dude, thanks so much for coming to the show. Uh, let me see. Yeah, no problem. It's a ton of fun. It wouldn't be the same without you.

No. It wouldn't. It's not the same without a stereo. It's either, but I think it's better. Uh, same without you. No. It's not the same without a stereo. It's either, but I think it's better. Mad Cux brought these restraining orders. These temporary restraining orders and handed them out at the show. Mad Cux sold crowns for a dollar. Yeah, he did. So everybody in lot of crowns. Yeah, there was like a hundred, you sold like a hundred crowns. Yeah, sold four crowns and they worked chairs in the police. Like a bucket piece. There was a hundred crowns. Yeah, soulboard crowds and the work chairs in the police like a buck a piece. There was a big box of oh dude. Here's like this. Like over 20 bucks. Yeah.

Don't quote me off the air. The number was actually much, much lower than that. I just when it comes time to give you your money. Right. The biggest fucking shame of the whole thing, I wonder where that was going. The biggest fucking shame of the whole thing, that we had these great, great fucking shirts, Pratsky, the guy who does all the art for the road rage, the t-shirts, it's me squishing a hipster skull

with the things in it. It's this giant blue skull. It looks fucking awesome. And they shipped them to the venue overnight, cost a fucking fortune to get them shipped, printed and shipped in a week to the venue on Friday. Overnight, we get there and find that the shirts did not arrive. All of Mad Cux's shit got there like the crowns. Mad Cucks wasn't even supposed to be there, but we lied about that so we wouldn't get

served. Yeah, yeah, yeah, which worked. Get it. Thank God. You did not get served. All of his stuff got there, but my shirts didn't get there. So I got a whole box of these beautiful shirts that you find out why. I text the shirt guy, I'm like,

what's going on? And he sends me the tracking number, oh, attempted delivery, no one there, attempted to look, no one fucking there because you know what, that's why I always say, you should ship him to a UPS store. Well, you don't, you don't, all you see fucking didn't.

You don't always say that, because I texted you asking to overnight them and I really fucking need it and you wear the hell were you that where the hell was this advice to 24 hours ago god damn it. So they're all for sale up on the dick on the shop that dick that show. But Mad Cux had all these crowns like a a sea of crowns out there. Yeah, it was great. It was like a weird cult. His crowns got bigger this time too. Ben from Drunken Peasants really loved you by the way. Yeah, he was a cool guy. He was a cool guy. So what, you were saying you think this, you were saying this cop guy should, uh, should, uh,

should, uh, we're talking in the stream and, um, shit, I forgot the guy pointed out, but he's saying that police have no, uh, obligation to stop an ongoing crime. And that's why the guy, like running away, it's, you know, that's why he gets his retirement everything because he has no responsibility to stop a crime. Oh, I've heard that too. What, what would explain that? Uh, what do you, he has no obligation. He was based on a Supreme Court decision or so,

a court decision, DC versus, DC, is it Derek Gouli? I'm sorry, Derek Gouli. Yeah, I've heard that too though. Why are they obligated to do? Just to take it. Yeah, if you're not required. Yeah, they have no responsibility

which it seems really fucking weird because um if you don't have a responsibility to stop the crime Then why the fuck you pulling me over while I'm speeding yeah I feel like the steam free just send your fucking car and jerk off and play with your computer on your dashboard Yeah, but by all means I to jerk off and play with your computer on your dashboard. But by all means, you know, everybody protecting it, driving. I fucking hate when they pull up behind me and start typing in the computer. I'm like, you son of a bitch. Don't you look where I live?

Don't you look up shit about me that I know is fucking in there. Yeah. So I think that's what, that's what we need to start doing is like, reducing the idea of what the hell is the scope of this. Instead of freaking out and pointing at the side of their car and saying, well, it says to protect and serve there. I was like, yeah, they, they fucking stencil that on. To look cool. Well, I mean, I'm not really in the cleavage inspection agency. Like, I just, I just put this on myself. But they're not, right? Sure, it's just a motto, but there's

like, I mean, I feel like it's a promise and it's an idea of security. It's seeped into your head. It's like, oh, if I'm ever in trouble, if someone's breaking down my front door and trying to like rob me and cut all my Christmas lights, I expect to be the cop that's standing right there. He's going to be, but because he can gonna be because he can just be their siphonist, don't get his fucking no, no, it's coffee like Joe to magio and then he

can go and then want to tell over come in and say like, okay, I'm just gonna be Fox report. You got an open container in this house, sir, I'm not the right you would take it. Well, my Well, my question is, do the cops know this? Because many of them do engage and get killed. Yeah, that's what I mean. There's this huge ocean of not, I feel like I'm getting a very small part of that case or that story.

That went to the fucking Supreme Court. Yeah, but yeah, on what? In what, that can't be like a blanket fit. They don't have to, they have no obligation to protect. And without, no obligation. I don't believe it. Without knowing the same language of that, of that court decision and also the specific.

That sounds like an LIB entertain guy. Yeah, I don't think that that's, that I guess maybe it can be accurate. I just why would you have to have an obligation to stop to have a job, but you don't know it's, you know, how could you know what's happening? I don't want people to stop something. If you watch something happening, of course, I'm sure that definitely applies to like pre-cog minority report shit.

You have no obligation to stop a crime before it's happening. Okay Crimes don't go from not happen not happen not happen to complete it right there's an active thing so kidnapping does Yeah, you're right Damn it a lawyer but like the North Hollywood. Shit. Shit. Make it. If you need 10, you want to know that. Yeah. That's a 10-wobble, man.

That's funny. It's a very, very small window of actual action right now. But yes, they're like a bank robbery. Yeah. Bank robberies, the North Hollywood bank robbery from like 1993, which is the reason that cops in LA now have high-powered rifles and body. I remember that very well.

I worked it right down the street from there. Right. Exactly. That went on for like three hours. Right. Using the cops don't have an obligation to stop there. They're like, well, so that guy just held up those four guys just robbed a Wells Fargo wearing full body armor and guns.

And now they're outside with high powered rifles shooting at cops and cars coming up. We're just going to back off. We're just going to let him get're just gonna let them get away. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes, I want them to not stop that. Just let those guys get away with their money. Fuck it. Like it's all insured, it's just money. We're not gonna have money for that much longer, but we're just gonna phase it out for credit cards.

Like don't be going around shooting everywhere in North Hollywood. I fucking live in North Hollywood. I don't wanna accidentally take a bullet in the side of my head while I'm playing PlayStation Through the fabric thin wall of my shitty North Hollywood house just because a big just because a bunch of cops wanted to save a bank's money Fuck the bank. They fuck me every time That's actually an example I completely agree with That way sure yeah I never want them stopping crimes I completely agree with. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't ever want them stopping crimes.

Yeah. It's why some departments don't have a chase policy. You know, when you see these chases on the news and stuff and then somebody, you know, just an innocent bystander gets hit or something like that. Yeah. I was talking to a guy. Or they told me, no, he goes, no, our department doesn't fucking chase like that. He goes, that's a fucking insurance nightmare.

Are you kidding me? Just let him get away. Fuckin'. Well, but it seems weird to me to say this because like, if you ordered food from a pizza place and it just never came, he's like, oh yeah, we can't put this delivery driver, but he has no ethical, like, duty to bring you that pizza.

Like, you need to come in a Cooper. And that guy just drives you wherever he's going. like, oh, I was going to the movie. That would be $24. Thanks for really appreciating. What about a, what about a, what about a fireman go see the movie with him? What about a fireman? Anybody out in any other dangerous job. I mean, okay, so that's a great example, right?

Like how when fireman's, when firemen first started in Rome, they would show up and say, how much can we pay you for, we'll make you a deal. We'll buy your house and put out the fire or we'll wait for it to burn down and then buy your land. And you have to make the decision, right? I was like, well, and then what happened is,

a fireman got killed, who did that? They said, okay, everybody, everybody hold on. We got to figure out this. We can't just have a bunch of random stabbings in the street. It's all insurance. It's all insurance-based. Like if you got kids burning to death in a house, you can find random guys in the street who want to jump up there

and save those fucking kids. Well, it's usually their parents or something. No, I'm saying just like human beings. Just add it in like fuck, I gotta go. I gotta save on any given day. Cause it's a kid. It's a thing. It's the drags whole neighbor who you're like,

God, my life will be so much easier. Even like if he burns the death. Yeah, in there. Even like a grandma. Why don't I ever get what I want? I helped a grandma on the street. I'm like, maybe she's got a hat granddaughter. She's a Russian lady. Well, on the street. I'm like, oh, maybe she's got a hat granddaughters. This is a Russian lady.

Well, Russian lady lost. And I was like, oh, fuck. I'll take this lady to the police station or the subway or something, make sure she gets home. But in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, Russian probably is a huge can. This grandma may be, but on any given day, a man can be duped and to sacrificing himself

to saving other people, but you can't pay for it. And I don't want to. That's what I'm saying. Got you, guess, I don't know. Yeah, what are we paying for? If we're not paying for someone to like, pull our ass out of the fire. Like I don't, I don't want fucking pay for a guy.

Just tell me how fast I can go on the road that I'm fucking paying for. Yeah. Well, we're paying for whatever women tell us to spend money on, ever. Apparently. Yeah. Fucking school zones, you know,

street where the speed limit is normally 25 miles an hour there's the fucking school zone near me where the school zone is in 20 miles an hour. It's like the only reason why this fucking exists is a cop get park right here and pull over people like no no fucking can't even walk to school

anymore. That's true. Yeah, they're all behind offense on the playground. Hi Madkex, get out of here. Thanks for coming to Thanks for coming to the show. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, see you I'll be sitting up up. Say that again. I'll be sending you an invoice. Oh, thanks. Wonderful. I mean, really you can compare it. You can pair it like this is what a normal human being spend And you can you can determine like which one's more full of shit. Yeah, okay, I will.

I fuck, I still haven't paid a stereo. Oh shit. That's not the bad of lawsuit. Yeah, small claims. I gotta pay him that stupid invoice. Yeah, I guess my problem is the scope creep of cops maybe But we probably probably talked about it for too long Isn't it I don't want I don't want to pay a guy to what are they start life to protect me

What are they start as and then like where has it crept to you know like yeah, it's okay. It started When it was just a guy It's like you've got, like Dunbar's number, I base everything in society off of, which is how many people you can have relationships with before they start breaking down. Like that episode of Married With Children, when Kelly Bundy had to learn sports facts

to be on the trivia show, she could only hold a limited amount of facts before someone fell out. And that's like human beings are with like that with other people and little, they can have little societies. It's like 250 people. Yeah um And then that at that case in that case you can find a guy and go like dude We need you to

Protect us and you need you need to round up a posse of mega men on that of like rough necks and badasses to do that And you're gonna get a lot of perks. Chicks are gonna fuck you two, three at a time maybe. You're not gonna have to work, but you gotta, you gotta fucking protect this or when the shitheads the fan, or you will get killed, or we will kill you if you don't. Like that's what this, like,

that's what we understand in our brains, I think. And then we've taken and blown it up to this homogenized, like, gigantic metroplex culture. There's million people, cities, and we tried to turn this drive into a job, and it doesn't work because it's like fear, it's fear and threats. Like if you don't live up to our expectations of what you need to do as a cop, we're going to kill you online. We will, this guy's name, this guy, if this guy doesn't kill himself, I will be surprised. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, well, especially because now, you know, conventions happen in the public, you know, in the public

side so quickly. And it's just like, oh, yeah. And I don't, to my knowledge, the tape hasn't been released, right? It's only been described where he's, he, he kind of, you know, stayed outside of a doorway for four minutes plus of the six minutes of shooting. Yeah. And didn't move. That's all that was described. I'm probably waiting for a video to load. Possibly. But he was looking at,

we've talked a little bit about that. He was waiting for somebody to call him right back, you know, before he went in. Yeah, before he went in. Yeah. I always probably talked about it too much. I just think it's so fucking interesting when this, when everybody gets so pissed off.

Wait, and people look look for someone to blame. Or it's much easier to focus right on that guy right now. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we figured it out. I doubt it. I'm guessing not. What was I saying?

Some about Dunbar's number. That's started off with that's how we that's where we started. I'm not saying something about Dunbar's number. Yeah, that's started off with. That's where we started. Yeah, yeah, but now you can't, like you can't, if you've got so many people, you don't know. You don't know who's gonna protect you. Yeah, like I don't wanna call,

I don't wanna a random guy to show up and protect me. I don't need that. You might, no, I don't, but you might. I don't need that. You might. No, I don't. But you might. I don't want to. No, if a random guy shows up, I would think he would hurt me more than help me.

What if he's wearing a uniform? The uniform people might be the ones I'm fighting. Okay, well let's keep it in the scope of what's supposed to, like the idea of it. Like it's, oh, if you're fighting, well, yeah, then. I mean, what, so what? A guy with a uniform comes in and it's me with a gun and another guy with a gun.

I'm definitely drunk. What if you're wearing more than the other guy? What if you look like the fucking bad guy? What if you're acting like some semblance of a regular human being? You don't have a loaded gun. You're out of IPA. 100% I have a loaded gun. Yeah, no of IPA. 100% I have a loaded gun.

Yeah, that's sleep. What a fucking loaded gun nearby. You're sleeping over it. Somebody else's house. It's all decorated in pink. There's pink beer in the fridge that you would never touch. You know, maybe women should run the whole thing. Right.

And something each other will just be really caddy to one another. Yeah. Let's see here. I had someone about the Olympics too. I want to talk to, I want caddy to one another. Yeah. Let's see here. I had someone about the Olympics too. I want to talk to this 80s guy, let me see if he's on. Oh, he was great. Yeah, 80s guy.

You still in Portland? Hey, no, no, I made it out. Oh good. So this guy comes wearing a Reagan bush shirt and like a tank top. It's thanks to the absentman. He looks like a, Hey, you're welcome.

Are you gay, Keon absent? Yeah, give me a great one. Give me like the most expensive kind they had there. It was delicious. There's poor fucking guy. Every road rage, there's someone will come out of the woodwork at the end with like the ultimate sob story. Like the ultimate I got fuck story.

So this guy, yeah, this guy's hanging out at the show and he comes up and he's he's having a lot of fun and everybody's laughing. They love the outfit that he's rocking the 80s guy thing. He's got a whole thing. He comes up and participates. And then I see him at the bar later. We went for the first place we went to after the show was like, it felt like a David Lynch movie. Yeah. Like there was a drag queen or some kind of supercharged gay man who was in the middle of getting, he was in the middle of transitioning from into his drag costume.

It's like he was becoming, it's like he was at home, putting on his RuPaul shit and he stopped halfway through and then went to this, and then went left. Yeah. And it was building out a tune at like 130 decibels when he walked in. And that's like an aircraft engine. And then stopping and saying, oh, this is something is messed up with the audio settings that I sound terrible.

It was terrible. He was, he was like, he was tuning a karaoke. I've never seen, like, you know, there are six people in that bar. The frustration of watching a musician tune a guitar on stage we're like, bro, doi-ro, doi-ro, doi-ro. This guy would play a fucking karaoke track, go to the computer, bitch about it, into the microphone while he's replaying the karaoke track.

It was a fucking nightmare. I don't know how he ended up in this bar, but again, it was like, fuck, we just played this show. There's a hundred people coming here and we walk in there There's one bartender and this very bizarre queen on the microphone already ranting and screaming about how he's having a bad night Yeah, yeah So that those were not friendly gaze. No, they were not friendly. No. Not like our top gay, but not extremely friendly. Right. Very helpful.

This 80s guy came and not won us in there. He came up to me and I said, we gotta go. What's he gotta go? The guy tried hitting on me afterwards. No, but he was wet in a stick. Yeah. Okay, so what it was,

who hit on you? The gay guy with the things after he was done doing karaoke after he was moving, there's a point where I tried to get everyone out from in front because they had already gotten mad and they were yelling at us and I didn't want them to I don't know call the cops. For spending money and the bar for trying to spend money on the bar. Yeah, but also it was an hour before closing and the guy the bartender the one bartender shouted it's an hour before closing I'm not opening up any more tabs like so you got to get the gay guys to buy you drinks

which actually wouldn't have been that bad an idea but But there was one point when I ran after you, you were walking the other direction until you were going and I was going back. And as I was running back to Diego, I remember you saying that, we don't go, you don't change. You can't change the fight. I was just letting you know where,

where Lacey went right through a neighborhood. Yeah, yeah. To the next, so I run back and as I'm running back to Diego. Yes, I'm like that. No, another loop close. This guy, I guess he was done singing. He was standing right outside the bar and he looked at me and said, Hey, daddy. Hey, sweet,

daddy, where you going? Where you go? Okay, well, have have a nice night. So, yeah, he wanted some of us there. I'm sure I think you just got a little bit. You know, I respect that. I remember being hit on by gay men, more than women. All the time. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Awesome. That has weird.

It's flattering. It's always flattering. It's always flattering. I get a way to find you. I go, what did you? What did you see? A hundred that I have. Yeah, my wife got her something in the kitchen.

The gay guy must really get what it was like for my personality. You said subject is great, man. I don't see what women complain about. But yeah. So, 80s guy hits me up at the next bar and he says, well, my jacket got stolen and my keys were in it. My keys are gone and I'm pretty much stuck in Portland. What do you think I should do?

I don't know, man. I don't know. What do you want back to that bar? Yeah, eighties guy. What happened to you, man? Let you talk stories. I forgot about that man. Yeah, I mean's got what happened to you man. Let you talk stories. I forgot about there. Yeah, I mean, I show up after you guys get kicked out of the first place.

And I was on the wiser. I thought maybe I'd gotten there early, but I fucking got there later, apparently. Yeah. And so I set my jacket down. I sing a karaoke song. I would you actually sing that you really? That's awesome.

I sing a steering grandation of fuck her gently by tenacious were. That's awesome. During the rendition of fuck her gently by tenacious deep. Wait a minute. So before we got there, you sang fuck her gently and then that we know after. I think it was after you guys had left. Oh, it was after we left. Okay.

Right. So just a rub it salt in the wound. You got up there and you're raking, bush get up. Saying a hetero song. Yeah. I'm saying a very aggressive hetero song. Did anybody applaud? Oh, they fucking loved me.

The guys and the women wanted to suck me off. Oh, it's, yeah. So they thought you were doing it ironically. Okay, so then what happened? So I go to the bar and I meet up with you, you all and everybody's like, well, huh, did you just, did you leave it at one of the bars, man? I was like, no, dude, I didn't walk in the fucking 30 degree weather without a coat. So, yeah, someone just straight up jacked my coat and yeah, my car keys were in it.

One of six people in that bar. Right, yeah, that was the, that was the, that was the, there was only like five or six people. There's nobody. Yeah. And I thought I was a bad two because I'm like, uh, and you, the reason they're in your Jack is probably because you were in those cool shorts to like have a fun time at the show, right? Right. Yeah. God. Shit. So I get to the, I get to the new bar. I meet up with you guys for a little bit. It was probably like five minutes, what they called last call and kick this all out. And I remember when you showed up.

Yeah. And shit, man, it was right about them that it hit me. It's like, fuck dude, I got to find somewhere to stay tonight. So I call a cab and I go, I say, hey, just take me to wherever the nearest hotel was. Which in hindsight was a terrible decision. Yeah. Have you ever watched Breaking Bad? You ever see that fucking hotel in the prostitute with living in?

Oh, yeah. That's basically where I stayed that night. Oh, wow. You don't need a Breaking Bad reference. It could just be a hotel that looks like prostitutes stay there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some Bethfield going down on the fucking parking lot. Anyway, man, so I wake up.

Did you stay there? Yeah, I did. Oh, it might offense, dude. I had been drinking, you know? Yeah. You need a different liquor. Your liquor is not thinking for you. Right?

I make it work for you. Yeah, you got to put your money to work. You got to put your liquor to work for you. You got to drink smart, not hard. They're both. Or something. This guy's liquor is selling him out. So they can prostitute hotel.

Losing his keys and gay bars. So I wake up and walk up in the hooker motel. Say what? You woke up in the hooker motel. Yeah, I wake up in the hooker motel. And I'm home a worse fuck. And I look out the window and it's raining sideways. It's about 30 degrees out. Like, hey, no problem.

Got my phone. I'll disorder myself and Uber. Wait, did you have any other clothes or were you stuck in that 80s get up? I'm stuck in the floor. I'm getting dors� in his face, fucking every- Get to order four different ubers because I'll keep driving off. So I pick up my phone and I'm like, no problem dude, it's raining sideways, it's fucking freezing outside. I'll order an uber.

Where do you live? Where do you live? Olympia, Washington, which is about an hour and 45 minutes north. So you drove down and then lost your keys and you're fucked. Oh, yeah, you're God. That sucks. So I pick up my phone to order an Uber. Oh Shit phones dead Yeah, I'm like I like what the fuck am I gonna do now?

So I have to check out or else they're gonna charge me another fucking night for the stupid ass hotel room. So I check out and I asked the guy at the front desk because like dude, is there a place I can go get maybe a coat or whatever? And he just straight up says no, I need walks away. Just no walks away. No. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Customer service was not his strong point. Well, yeah. I mean, but up there, you're like the equivalent of, of, of like being black and that in the deep south in like 1960, you know, like wearing a Reagan, but he's trapped. Yeah, you're not getting, you're not getting served. Did you turn your tank top inside out at least?

The Reagan thing. No, I said, fuck it. If I'm, if I'm going big, I got to go hard, right? So like dude, so I trapped an ironic costume in an unholy land. I'm just fucking liberal land mecha, dude, wearing a conservative. I looked like a hungover gay Republican walking down the street. You do. And so I'm walking past everybody. Everybody's bundled up and like, you know, fleece and warm looking coats here.

I'm my stupid stupidest tank top. Freezing, too. Yeah, 30 days. Helting rain. Yeah, it was literally freezing. Yeah, I mean, it's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can die if you stay out there too long.

I'm gonna find a few bros and yeah, bros you can die if you stay out there too long. I'm gonna find a frozen. Frozen Reagan. Looks like he's like a marathon runner who got lost or something. He's a Republican. So I just I pick a random direction and I start walking. I find a convenient store and I was like, oh great. Maybe they have some sort of like oversized hoodie I could buy off them or something, right? So I go in there.

There's no luck. But I asked the guy if there's some place I could buy a coat. He's like yeah man three miles down the road I said fuck it dude, and I started walking and I'm like you know This is my punishment from God for drinking too much last night. Fuck it. I'll accept it And I walk the entire way to the uh to the, you know, I was getting some death stairs from behind some cat eye glasses and green haircuts. But I finally get to the department store, I get myself a new coat and a phone charger and then I, and now, and that, that wasn't even the hard part. The hard part was now doing the reverse

drunken detective work of finding my fucking car. Yeah. So you're not working. I parked it. Yeah, so what I mean, what do you do without car keys? Right. So that was the first step was finding my car because my, my mind went to person and as my coat, they could just like go around and push the panic key. I'm like, on my father and

I'm just right. Right. Free fucking car dude. Yeah. Yeah, because you know your car's point not that far for a while. Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah.

Well, it was like a couple blocks away from from the city society where the show was. Yeah. But I found it. It was in one piece. It was in the same spot. I left it and so that's good news. So then I start I go back and I check the secret society

and I check that first bar that we went to just in case somebody, some good Samaritan realized their mistake and took my jacket back to the venues, right? So no such luck. They didn't have it. And so now I pull out my Trump card, which is there's a, uh, I got him literally a man. Right card. Yeah.

Call Trump like one favor. You get all the Trump line. The green One comes into Portland. Carry. Um, but there's a sense that a helper, a guy with a shitty wig runs out and helps you.

There was a locksmith service that would make a copy of my key, but you know, it was probably costs like $700. Fucking dollars. I'm stupid bullshit like that. But I needed my car and that was a price

I was willing to pay to get the fuck out of Portland. Okay. So I called them and before that though, a couple hours before that, I had the bright idea to post on Reddit and say, hey, I lost my coat last night. Yeah, I was gonna ask if you asked anybody. Even staying in a hooker motel,

somebody would let you sleep with them for a piece of a blow job. Again, dude, my mind was on like, what the fuck do I do? Like, where's my coat, where's my keys? I was thinking for the future, not for the present. Right. And yeah, sure shit, as soon as I got off the phone

with a locksmith, I had a little notification in my Reddit inbox and it was somebody, some dickhead head picked up my coat by accident. Oh, the power of the internet. Well, I'm glad you I'm glad you didn't pay $700 for a new key. Oh, me too, man. Me too. Yeah, the timing could have been worse.

Like on that. Yeah. Why the hell did he have your jacket? How did he pick up a wrong jacket and wear it all, my? You drank yourself like that. Why the hell did he have your jacket? How did he pick up a wrong jacket and wear it all my? You drank it yourself. I'm sick. Again, I blame the alcohol. Who knows?

We're all fucking drinking, dude. All right, man. Well, congratulations. What makes you rage? Oh, man. You made the side-fings stranded into the liberal mecca without a jacket. Yeah, besides that. You know, people who full screen like a YouTube video

or something and then leave the fucking cursor in the middle of the screen. That is annoying. Yeah. I like that shit. Yeah. Yeah. Have I been doing that?

No, and I, you like, my college professors are very guilty of this. Like they'll like, hey, watch this Ted talk, and they'll maximize it in the fucking computer to the cursor right in the middle of the game. Oh, you're paying for that. Hey, everybody, watch this Ted talk. I'm gonna go get drunk and look at the TAs on Facebook.

If they post any pictures on their vacation. You know what I, people are watching me do computer shit. I gotta like tone down on my cursor work and highlighting because usually when I read a highlight like words and just click around on the page, but when anybody's watching it, just sitting there or else something like fun of you. Yeah, for clicking in, it's like,

I just gotta put it down. I don't know. All right, man, thanks for coming. Hey, thanks for having the show, dude. It was blessed. It was, I love Portland. show, dude. It was blessed. It was I love Portland take it easy There he goes Yeah, like I was cool. He wants to talk to him for a bit like I've different wait a minute

He is he's still there a 80s guy are you there? Yeah, what up? Yeah, somebody said that they caught you hitting on Lacey on the livestream And that he all know that was a different guy, different guy. Oh, are you sure? Are you sure? Yep. There's nothing, nothing wrong with hitting on Lacey. That was, did you, did you see the other guy doing it? No, I don't know what the hell they're talking about.

I did talk to Lacey, she's very nice, but I just, she is very nice. All right, I thought there was something. I was up there for the single out though. Yeah, yeah, that was fun. All right, I thought there was something, where he's the guy who looks like David single out though. Yeah. Yeah, that was fun. All right, I thought there was something. He's the guy who looks like David Arquette. Yeah.

I mean, to be fair, there were a lot of guys hitting on Lacey that night at the show. That's true. I would pass up to this, trust me, but that wasn't me. You were so drunk, you lost you. Well, all right, buddy, take it easy. You too, bud. Somebody said that there was like hidden like secret audio. Oh, I'm hitting on Oh, really? I guess not

Okay, Lacey's putting the rumor herself Somebody made a dick show IQ test. Oh boy, I can fund a Maddox Okay, here's the IQ test You get 10 points for every correct answer like as how an IQ test should work, right? Okay. Who's Kim Kardashian married to? That's the first question. Oh my God.

Do you know that? I do. A, Bruce Jenner. B, Kaitlyn Jenner. C, Kanye West. Probably, that is a good IQ test, because you got, it's a process of elimination of elimination right how many dark souls games are there three

Four four if you want to be pedantic and include demon souls or V1 Logan Paul film day blank in the Japanese so it's all trivia. Yeah, it's speaking of manics After Ben was on the program, and he was on the, when he was at the show, Maddox sent him an email, accusing him of doxing him. Very quickly, immediately. Cute, that fucking guy.

He like obsessively stalks the show. Wait, so he was watching the line? He was watching the line. Well, no, that's... So he's a Patreon-y? I guess. Or he's paying you to make fun of it. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, there's all kinds of quotes from bonus episodes and like stream content. I mean, somebody's paying attention to everything you do. There's no doubt of it. It's been that way since the beginning. Everything. There's no doubt about it. It's weirdly obsessive.

Speaking of bonus episodes, we recorded a bonus episode. Sean and I, yeah, last week and it was very funny. It was very, very, very funny. And the temporary restraining order was released. Sometime after we recorded it. There is, so we're at a point in the lawsuit now where I have to tell you, usually I'm not a guy that likes to not say things.

Right, you know, because I think that's blasphemous. I think that's against, that's against God. If God is this like a, a, a, a feeling that is in the pursuit of truth and betterment and, um, getting to the bottom of what people are, which, which is in itself inherently extremely violent. It's not, it's not a positive force. It's not, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a little bit Darwin and it's a little bit Mr. Rogers. That's the human race to me. We're all gonna, we're all gonna be real fucking happy. We're all gonna be good neighbors. But if you're not, we're gonna eat you. And we're gonna take everything that made you you and we're gonna turn it into a puppet.

And then we're gonna interact with that puppet. It's a little bit, that's the human race to me. A little bit Darwin, a little bit Mr. Rogers. And I don't like not saying things. I really, I really, really don't like not saying things. Yeah. Some people might say I have a problem with it. It's not even though I don't like not saying things. I don't like being told how to not say things. That's a fucking bigger problem. Yes. Because I can, you can say, well, good for you. But you're really saying, go fuck yourself.

You don't have to scream at that. You don't have to scream at them like that. You say, that's good for you. Yeah. Yeah. You nailed it say, have good for you. Yeah, you nailed it. Good for you. But what you're really saying is, I fucking hate you. Man, you should feel bad for what you just did. But in this case, in this case,

we're at a point in the lawsuit where number one, I cannot talk about what I talk about with my lawyers. That's a, I learned about this thing. We're all getting undergraduate degrees, educations in the legal process. I thought I learned a lot from the fucking restraining order from Keyons. Some people don't know the Keyons,

they hear of the restraining order, by the way. And I'm like, oh yeah, that seems like forever ago. Like, it was a year ago. It was one year ago. I was surprised when someone came up to me at the first bar and was like, well, so are you affiliated with the show? Like, yeah.

Yeah, I'm Keyon, how you doing? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I don't think I ever heard you on the show. I don't know, yeah, I don't listen very recently. Like, oh, yeah, must have been, what's your definition of recent buddy? Like a year and a half, two years? I'll tell you what, I'm kind of a fucking huge deal, dick.

Get out of here. That's what they should say. How this guy removed. If it wasn't for your invention, I don't think any of this would be happening. Well, shit, sorry. No, no, no, no, no. Cause we have to fight to protect the first amendment.

Like that's what we, as much as I rail on men getting pressured and to do things, doing things that are against their own interests, this is one of them. Like this is a, if Maddox wins, the first amendment is dead. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's not even an exaggeration. And one day it will happen.

One day it will happen. Yeah. One day it will happen. Yeah. One day someone will win and that will be the end because it's like that all over the world. It's like that in every other country, but this one, Count Dankela is facing prison because there are not people defending the

first, so Nick Rackett's, or Nick Riccata. Correct. Yeah. I like this. He was in the comments of one of his videos talking about the first amendment and somebody said, well, yeah, but you know, the second amendment is there to protect the first amendment. And Nick says it's the reverse. And I had always thought it was the second amendment, but when he said it, I'm like, well, Nick is, you know, Nick is obviously smarter than me. I got to take what I think and boot it out of my head.

That's my policy. If you're smarter than me, I take what I think, kill it. I take it out back behind the wood shed and I say, you know what, I love you. I second amendment it. Yeah, right in the face. I say, you know what, idea, you know what, Dicks idea. I love you.

I've known you my whole life. I raised you. I watched you be born. And I've raised you from a little idea into a whole system of, into a belief. I raised you from when you were just a little notion and now you're a full on belief, but there's this smarter guy, Nick Rackett, who says, not you. So I'm killing you.

That's my fucking policy, right? Half Mr. Rogers, that's the Darwin part. I love you. I gotta shoot you in the fucking head, baby. The current environment says you don't get to eat or fuck. Yeah, you're done. Next, you're done. Next says you're wrong.

Yeah. A plow. Thanks fucking right. Okay. First amendment, the first amendment is what protects the second. That's what I'm saying. Um, Antifimatics second. That's what I'm saying. Antifimatics wins, it's over. Someday someone will win, and it'll be over.

Yeah, because you can't fight it forever, right? Yeah. As soon as all the smart people start... Nothing lasts forever. Nothing lasts forever. No. As soon as all the smart people start going to Mars, and all the dumb-dums are left on Earth,

and then IQ starts dropping. At first, Pemmins can get harder and harder to defend, right? The robot, right? But I will say this. So like you're saying about lawyers, you can't talk about what you talk about with them because it breaches like some protected, you're talking to your lawyer and it's, it can't be, it can't be like discovered. You can't be compelled to tell anybody else about it

because you're always not talking about it, right? That's like a thing in the court. I'm like, well, you guys are BFFs. We protect the, we protect the communication for BFFs. A attorney client privilege. A attorney client privilege. Start blabbing about it, they say, well, he's telling some, he's blabbing some about his BFFs. That's turning client privilege. Attorney client privilege. Start blabbing about it, they say, well, hey, he's telling some, he's blabbing some about his BFF.

We want to hear all of it. Yeah. And that will fuck you. Mm-hmm. Because then you just spend forever in discovery. Yeah. And that's what we're looking at in this case. It's a, this is a, this is a never fucking ending lawsuit,

lawsuit. That's entirely constructed in my mind to bleed Maddox dry and try to bleed every single other person on the other side dry. Patreon, Weber, by someone who has no, by someone who does not give a fuck about it. But people are human. And in order to get this, in order to get this dismissed as quickly as fucking possible as it should be, because the entire thing is a, is a flagrant and obvious abuse of any concept of a system of justice. Yes.

Yes. Even any concept of it, this is a, it's laughable. It's laughably abusive toward it. But, that's because I know all the facts. Mm-hmm. That's because I know all the facts. You cannot, you cannot assume that. You can assume that, you get raped. That's what happens.

You think you know all the facts going in? You better, you better hope you lubed up your asshole. Just for your own sake. Is what I'm saying. So, I think I'll release a redacted form of that bonus episode. Because the things that I'm doing at this point do not only affect me. Yeah.

If it only affected me, I would say, fuck it. You know, I have no, I don't, I can't tell the difference between, a stripper once told me, she was tweaking my nipples really hard for some reason. I was getting a lap dance at this strip club in Nebraska. And she goes in there and she starts really cranking my nipples and I was like, I start cracking up, I start laughing, right? And she's like, why are you laughing?

And my guy, I just do that when things hurt. Like, your hoof pinches a little. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was thinking about you in a Miss Piggy wig. I said, I don't know, I've just always done that. When things hurt so much, I start laughing. She was gonna rip the goddamn nipples off,

and she goes, well, that's fucked. I've known, I've only been a stripper for a long time. She goes, first of all, your buddy that paid for this lap dance told me to come in here and just tweak your nipples. It's okay. Oh, him a punch in the chin. Yeah. So I owe him a punch in the cog and she's like, because it was supposed to hurt.

And I've been doing this to hurt, but you're just laughing. I'm sorry. It does hurt. It makes you feel better. It does hurt, but like, that's just kind of what I've always done. Like, when something hurts so bad, I just think it's hilarious. I can't, and it's a feeling of laughing. Like the feeling of laughing comes out,

and I can't stop it. It's like, it hurts, it hurts, it fucking hurts, but then it crosses over the line and just becomes euphoric. And she says, yeah, that's fucked. You're fucked, get the hell out of here. So this is what, like, that's fucked. You're fucked. Get the hell out of here. So, this is what, like, that's what this entire lawsuit is to me.

It's all of the pain and like the fear of being stopped by process servers and all these terrible things that might come out on the internet, it's all funny to me because you can see everyone can see what it is. And it hurts, but the pain itself is funny. It's far beyond the point of being something that you would fear because it's so completely preposterous. I mean, I'm literally wiping my ass with it. Some wonderful hilarious person brought custom toilet paper

to road rage and gave it away at road rage. The lawsuit printed on toilet paper. I literally wiped my ass with the lawsuit. Today. It's pretty great. Pretty great. with the lawsuit. Today. It's pretty great.

Pretty great. But if I fuck around too much, there is a non-zero chance and there is always a non-zero chance that it fucks everybody. And I don't mean just me, and I don't mean just Maddox, I mean, Stereos, Weber, my business partners,

Patreon, the fucking customer service guy at Patreon. However meniscule that chance is, it does exist. It exists in a very real way. Yeah. So I am sorry because I know that's, I know that I know I would be disappointed hearing that. But I can do it. Sometimes you, everyone's a cuck eventually. And this time it's me, right? So there you go.

There's been the dick show. Thank you for coming to Portland. I've got somebody brought me a magic deck the first night. A black magic. You know, I've... Some motherfuckers sent in one magic booster pack and I got $300 for a black, a black, a black card. I'm sorting them in bed.

I'm hitting a... I'm calling up... I'm tricking coach to come over to play magic with me. Come on over, play this game magic. No big deal, no big deal. A little bit scared of what it is. He does now. He just put it in before, right?

No, I made him come over. No, see, I knew he wouldn't know. No, I made him come over to play. And it's hard to explain like how magic works. So I thought maybe he had a shitty time. He left right away to go do some pregnancy shit. But then the next day he hit me, I was like, I'm thinking about his playing magic. Somebody brought me magic, never played magic. You're

missing a really missing. Really? Yeah. You know this game? That's, I knew he was a really good kid middle school. Yeah, that's all we did? Like, because he's a man. Because I know like the, you know, two one and yeah, like a, he's a big magic player. I can count to 20 real good. This dude brought me a deck saying he's like, uh, based on some of your stories, I think this might have been your deck.

And I swear to God, it's the exact fucking deck that I played around, I was like 14 years old. Like I'm summing through these cards. You build decks, right? Yeah, like that's, you build like your little army. Okay. I'm thumbming through these cards. You build decks, right? Like that's, you build like your little army. Okay. I'm thumbing through this deck and every single one, my God, my fucking God.

This is like my Ratatouille moment getting this magic-to-gathering thing. I was thumbing through it all week and I was like, I was saying, you're vampire, you're no fucking way. I remember this motherfucker. It does with like whiteboard cards. Whiteboard cards.

Wow. Yeah. Everybody was making fun of me for, I posted a picture of me playing coach and hidey's girl. And they're like, you sick fuck, you put all your lands on top. I didn't know. Oh, you can't do that. I didn't know that you were supposed to do that.

So I switched them, I was like, oh, I get it now. So you can see the other creatures was like, in my day, it was always lands on top for some to hide the creatures from your bones. Yeah. So they couldn't re-activate it abilities. Jim Schmatz made some dickles, they're fucking dope. 3D printed some dickles. Yeah, those are cool. I hope everybody got some.

I got one, I made sure to keep one. If you didn't fuck you, I guess you missed out. And I mean, I'm really terrible with everybody's name. Is this one? There's a re-licensed play. Yeah, that's cool too. Mr. Alaska. Just realist.

Special Olympics. Yeah, yeah. That's all I was focusing cool too. Mr. Alaska. I just realized. Special Olympics. Yeah. That's all I was focusing in on. Yeah. So thanks everybody for coming. I will get that bonus episode up, but as I said, we had too much fun on that one. Yeah, I guess so. Still up on the live.

You know what the worst part is? It's still up on the live stream. I know. I know. But I don't want to appear like I'm Selling it and I don't want to sell it right As soon as as soon as this is over we'll talk about it Okay, this song is called cuck you've been listening to the Dixiel the Dixiel.com patreon.com slash the Dixiel Thank you to mad cucks, my room records,

peach saliva, lacy, Diego, fuck without Diego. We could not do any of these without Diego, Sean of course, Keon for coming, Randy for coming, the how drunk is Randy updates for my favorite parts of road range. Here's cocked by George Stravinsky. Watch me. Why are you watching? Watch how he fucks me. Oh, I think you're so good. Oh, I'm happy about my fake. Brilliant. Yeah, absolutely brilliant.

Worth the weight. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely brilliant. We're the way, yeah! My's will! I get up and watch my girl go down on some dude. She met while clubbing downtown and I know. I wish all music sounded like this Yeah Favorite soup and listen to my little friends wheel I can't you see me standing here. I got my back against our washing machine

Watching him remove your jeans. My little friend suck in his pee. Oh, sick. Oh, might as well cock. Cock. Might as well cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cut. Go ahead and cut.

Oh! See, can I join? Okay, I'll sit back down. She says I must watch. So I watch. And go to brown town. Oh. I can't see her take the the positive like an automated tele machine You just busted his cream I guess I'll begin to clean Oh, my does well cock Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Go ahead and cock. Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka Kaka They're gonna awesome. Yeah. They're in the next lawsuit, Dorggets. This is a commerce for Salt Lake.

On to a good job on the Portland Proof Ridge. Thanks, man. The band wordless was the best part. Yeah. Every Salt Lake thing happens. Yeah. I was talking to that guy from Salt Lake or from Utah or whatever, it's not like you expect that many people from there.

That was one of the most fun things I've ever experienced. What's that? Ben from Drunken Peasants. Yeah. He's ripping out the band words list. Yeah, it was, that was pretty amazing. That was pretty amazing. I was shocked me. Yeah.

Maybe it gets cooted. No, Mr. Arraige. Fucking, these fucking new mothers, with their stupid fucking strollers of the subway and the bus. Their fucking strollers, the same size as the fucking M1A1 Abrams tank, and they stand there at the front of the bus like, oh yeah, look at me. I'm getting off bitch, I got fucking 125 pounds with a tool on me.

Get the fuck out of the way, you stupid con. I don't care if you get a baby, I got fucking jobs to you. Stupid bitch. Fuck. All right, Cooper. Yeah. Go for the rooper. It's been the guy in city slickers when it's like bring your father to work day or whatever. It's like the construction worker. Yeah. He's like you. Well, the, how he, the guy who tells the story about the super human strength, the, you know, yeah. So I says, hey, you stupid bitch, get out of there! I'm saying this 2000 per crane, you know what I'm saying? They are big though.

Yeah, those new strollers, it's like, my sister had two strollers, an extremely, an obnoxious one that like folded into it that had off-roading tires. Oh no, no, no, like a skateboard that attached to it. And then she had one that we affectionately referred to as the Mexican Stroller because it was all you needed to carry the child around. Yeah.

A bit of scaffolding. It didn't look too secure. It didn't look too stable, stable enough. And then like some Mickey Mouse, some cheesy shitty Mickey Mouse fabric on it, whatever. But these, these bobs that they have, yeah, that these new moms have, that you barely even have to,

you just give it an edge. How about the carts they make in the grocery stores, just for the little kids so they can feel like they're lying around and have. Oh, I fucking hate those so much. Yeah, like you're trying to get by in an aisle of oversized people. Yeah.

Now there's oversized cards. You know what? You know what, the shit doesn't throw a fit. He's like, you know, too good to be putting a little fucking wire card. The son of a bitch has to be in a fucking race car that's twice as wide as a regular card. Yeah, he got a little flag on.

He's got a the fucking steering wheel. Everybody gets cool vehicles, but us. Abel bodied, middle eight, men. Everybody gets cool cars, but us. The new moms get their little scooters, their Bob scooters, where the seat detaches, and then it goes right into your car. You just give a little crank there

Pull it out put it in doesn't matter that it's 12 feet wide Doesn't doesn't matter that it that doors have that doesn't matter that it fit doesn't fit through the door You got to take the baby out fold it up and then put it back together on the other side Where's my fucking car? Where's my mech suit? Why do you new moms have, have $2,000 strollers, but I don't have a DARPA suit. Oh no, that's just military guys. Why, why do they have any? Why don't we just buy everybody off?

Give me the suits. Yeah, how come you don't have a Gundam? Yeah, you know what, I just want stilts. I just want stilts that are in some way mechanized. And so they have an app. Just give me a stilts and stilts that are in some way mechanized. And so to have an app, just give me a stilts and tell me that it has an app. I'm fine. So you like got it with your phone? I don't know.

I could just be an app that says dick stilts. All right. Cool. Just to somebody stilts coming on the street to pick you up. Whatever. Like Iron Man suit. Yeah. Like an Iron Man.

So I just so I can wear them in public. And if some stupid asshole comes up to me, why have those stilts on his, hey, it's got a fucking app. That's why I have these stilts on. So legit. It's legit. What do you have?

You got an app on your pacemaker? That's nothing. It might as well be grandpa technology. Here's Facebook news, I forgot to play that. Okay. Hello, Dick and hello, Dick Hads. This is a Facebook group news for the last couple days. And a post-assing people to post pictures of their chins,

two Australian dickheads are now on the brink of throwing down, first onion referred to stove as a beta beard, and stove who's really stressed out right now, called Chris a cont and threatened to make the eight hour drive so that he can beat the shit out of him until he's on the ground crying. He also threatened to break his nose and suggested that he tread lightly or else. I'm running between the two. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You guys post days later with no

sign to this Australian death feud slowing down. I'll sanction that fucking match. Whatever whatever it fucking takes. If those guys want to if those guys have a beef and they want to fight it out in the ring, I can make that happen. Sure. Both of them, both of you, Captain Jackass can be the promoter, the ringside announcer. In this corner, both of you, if you're serious about a beef that you're having and you want a stereo style, you let me know. I'll make it happen.

Speaking of internet fighting, Nick Ruketa and Jonathan McCarthy began bantering back and forth about how it's not cool to make fun of a lawyer for having a DUI. Very quickly, it became evident that McCarthy could be the long-time mole that we've been working for. Oh. The mole I preferring to land out as DUI as unfortunate and was insistent that him getting caught wasn't the fault

of the drinks, but rather bad luck and misfortune. No. Yeah. Yeah. The first time that I saw that, all McCarthy was the first to unveil the news about him getting caught wasn't the fault of the drinks but rather bad luck in misfortune now yeah was the first to unveil the news about maddox maybe the first time and as well as i yeah we will be keeping an eye on this do i sympathize or it's a good good good good but last time it's time hadn't who posted a picture of himself enjoying a nice cold sam annus boss and logger in the driver's seat of his car as expected eighty percent of the post is telling him to kill himself

calling him a fucking retard Accusing him of being land out. I remember that guy running him know that his seatbelt light is on Meanwhile about four or five days has been so miles from Early wrong with the road soda as long as you're not wasted It is only one beer so exactly what is a big deal? After an hour of this post tom posted a picture of his finish and addams in his bedroom with the caption get fucked losers i win

also i'd like to make a quick honorable mention to carry grove the first ever dickhead in the group to have a post reach one thousand comments and it happened with an span of three hours wow this has been the actual facebook group news for the last couple days. What was the, what was the, what do you say? The post? They got a thousand. Dude, there is, I saw some posts last night, a tier, tiering, tiering. The hot Australian check. Oh, yeah, they were showing some of their calendar picks. Wow. I was, uh, they're stunning.

Something they've got like, they're posing with some of the shirts on the show. These fucking women in there are gorgeous. I can't believe this shit is definitely not safe for women. The pictures that they're posing. And it's like, I mean, the level of detail now, where when you were like in the Polaroid days, our parents days, you take shots and you're not, you're not seeing anything, but now it's like, wait a minute, what can I, like you're going through there with a jeweler's loop trying to see what if you can spot any pubic

hairs or stuff like that, like how far does this new, I got a new iPhone, how far does this motherfucker zoom in now? It's almost like and enhance. And yeah, enhance and then it stops. I assume it. I'm in. You know what I'm looking for, I'm zooming and then it stops. I assume it. You know what I'm looking for. I'm zooming in.

Stop zooming. I'm like, no, trying to tear it open. Come on. You'll start of a bitch. You know a little bit more zoom. Yeah. If those guys really want to fight, we can do that. We've learned, we've learned from the

esterios where the fanboys debacle. Yeah. We'll call it. No, it makes me a rage is Girl Scout cookies selling, our Girl Scout selling Girl Scout cookies. Yeah, they're everywhere. I go to the store having no intention of buying cookies. And the girl's, hey, you want to buy some cookies,

but bitch, yeah, do you want me up on the fuck a thin man's? Yeah. How much do they four bucks a box? He's right. Yeah, I didn't have any intention of buying this. I have to make my car payment. You know, fuck it. Give me everything that's on top of and under the table. And you know what else makes me a rage? So I didn't shit my pants, but there was definitely

a breach of cheeks, but it never touched my underwear. So I guess I shit my cheeks. No, you should get pants. That'll make you a fucking rage, because if it's happening to me at 34 years old, what the fuck is it gonna be like at 70? It gets worse, dude. Bad. It gets a lot much worse. Bad. And that definitely, don't be in denial about

shitting your pants. You shit in your pants. Yeah. Like, I've played that game with myself. I didn't really shit my pants. Went on a technicality. Yeah. That's just a little shit on my pants. Went on a technicality. Yeah. That's just a little shit on my skin.

That's fine. Right. No, it's in your pants. No, you know if it's supposed to happen or not. That was not supposed to happen. So what are you- You trusted a fart too much. That's what happened.

Are you not gonna- You're gonna just keep those underwear on then? No, I'm just gonna change them. Okay, right, right. You should your pants set. Yeah, did you sit down? You know, after you thought there might be a problem, did you sit down?

I'm gonna guess in the answer was no. Did you do that weird sitting on one cheek and rolling it over and trying to squeeze them together? So there's less service area. If you did that, you might have shit your pants. That's my Jeff Fox where have shit your pants. That's my that's my Jeff Fox really shit your pants routine Don't lie to me about shitting pants You know pisses me off Tom Petty dick suckers. It was bad enough when he was alive

But everybody's sucking his dignity now that he's dead You've been playing music for almost 50 years and he only ever put out two good songs I want to know what they are just everything else is a pot garbage. I want to know what they are. Everything else is a hot garbage. I want to know what they are. We've been almost 50 fucking years. I've downloaded random albums off band camp with more good songs than his whole career. If I was as bad as my job as him, I'd get fired.

Yeah. I thought he was going to have a little more of a zinger at the end. That's your job. He is bad at making music. Okay. I mean, really, not pleasing to me at all. Did not enjoy his music.

What did he have? What was the last dance with Mary Drain? I want to know what you thought the two good songs were. Me too. Yeah, the most interesting part of that to me. Yeah. American girl. It could be could be who knows what he thinks are the are the good song.

There was nothing that he did solo is everything he did with that like band mud crutch that he had five soul. Oh, that's what he made. And you're from Eugene Oregon. All right. I'm playing two by him. I think I skipped him last week. Okay.

I'll play to buy him i think i skipped it last week okay this one first the next show this is angel organ i think that i know what makes me rages the Yoshi is the uh... anthropomorphic since you being a lot it's not about the assuming you've got like it a brain but i mean that's true it's a guy's one of the saddles with the three-year

uh... oh that was it. That was it. I always thought Yoshi was like Mario's wife. Nobody else. I had like a Japanese version of Mario. Because when Mario, he loses Mario, he's all freaked out.

Ah! He's like runs, falls off, claves, and Mario's like, whatever, like so long. He gets another one. Saddle that bitch up. It's like, whatever, like so long. I think it's another one. Saddle that bitch up. Get drunk back there. Never took that before, but that's actually true. I don't know, that's just how I saw the relationship.

Cause it's not as dog. And then you feel bad about blowing Yoshi off, just to make a jumper, just to like protect yourself, like, oh, fuck, get on Yoshi's, or these guys can hit me again. But it's like why? Um, what's up Dick, this is Twain Wangler, a proud Patreon supporter of the Dick Show and the CU Next Tuesday podcast network. I wanted to congratulate you for another great show.

Doesn't it feel great to have a live stream of their microphone? There's the sarcasm starting. It's two thousand computers, stations 40 feet away from the stage. That would be embarrassing. The good thing, the bass and the opening songs, came across clear and un-intinuated. Otherwise, people would bitch about it. Good thing that's not the case. The good thing, Sean's beautiful, succulent face was cut off. That's who we wanted to not see.

Oh, it was? Sean, you are practicing engineer managed to live stream an event without any audio fuck-ups of the time. Cam Hors 14 year olds on Twitch live stream too, but your audio sounded much better than there. Was it all fucked up? It's unlistenable. The audio from the live stream. So this is what I vowed of the live show. Just happened.

After Chicago, the live stream of the live show. Yeah, yeah, yeah happened. After Chicago, the live stream of the live show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. After Chicago, I vowed to never do. I didn't know anything about who was doing what with that or whatever that was. Because you never do. And all I want anybody to do is make sure that the recorded version is good

because they always fuck it up. Oh no, and they fucked it up. And they fucked it up this time. And they fucked it up again. Yeah. And they fucked it up. And they fucked it up again. Yeah. And despite explicit instructions and nods of understanding and telling them nodding. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no, totally. Showed me the, yeah. Well, yeah. That's what I'm gonna do. Start out fine. Start out fine then before some reason. I don't know.

Maybe it wasn't fine enough. It wasn't fine enough. So, you know, things it wasn't fine enough. It wasn't fine enough. So things were obviously turned up, or which I know never to do. So I vowed never to do another live stream, of the live show just because you can never get, you can never get it right. Like, you can't get the camera right.

It just looks shitty, but Mad Cuck showed up with a streaming rig and his camera. He's like, I brought this to fix it. Like, you know how I like to see, I like to see people do their plans. Yeah, no matter what. I'm like, I don't wanna be a naysayer. You know, nobody wants to be the guy who's like,

well, that's not gonna work. And I'll tell you why, because then they make fun of you forever. Then it's something that's successful. They're like, well, that's not gonna work. And I'll tell you why, because then they make fun of you forever. Then it's something that's successful. They're like, well, this guy dickmasters and says I couldn't do this. And then I did it. Everybody laughs, everybody turn all your insecurities on him.

Yeah. And look at how stupid he is, even though usually he's right. Yes, that's the other thing. That's where it's like, yeah, he got lucky. So Madcuck said it out, and said, well, I said, where's the audio coming, gonna come from? He's like, yeah, he got lucky. So Madcuck said it out, I said, well, I said, where's the audio coming, gonna come from? He's like, oh, the things got a camera.

I said, oh, these little webcams are very sensitive. They sound like shit, even in this room. But it is fun to have the live stream and hang out. Unfortunately, all the comments on every live stream you just audio sucks audio sucks audio sucks Sorry, we can't do it. We don't have the budget. I don't even know if I think this one was another loss leader to be honest But it's fun It is fun is fun. I won one more one more

Hey, big great show last night. I was a guy who had double doors as a rage. Yeah, that was weird. My rage isn't really that there's two of them. It's the fact that no matter how many of them there are, everybody only ever uses one of them anyways. Like, yesterday at the venue, I'm pretty sure there was just one door that was used throughout the whole night. It's like it could be three, four, or 20 million doors, but nobody ever uses the other ones, you know? It's true. You started for the guys in the

thick suits for the free beer. Go fuck yourself. And it's true. We invented the double door, but we haven't mastered being able to use it. Yeah, you actually made a comment about that when we went to brunch the next day. Yeah. And I forgotten that this guy made that rage. Me too. You were making the comment and I was like, yeah, okay, dick, whatever. I don't see why that's funny.

Yeah, because he was right. Yeah, he was actually like, oh yeah, this one opens and this is just like a wall that looks like a door, but it's fake. Can't. Some chick thing, a woman decided it would look nice. I'm sure. It's a great idea.

Doesn't work in practice. We can't wrap our heads around it. It's too confusing. All right, that's the end.