The Dick Show - The Dick Show 410

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

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My eye has not stopped wiggling in like two years. What, you mean like it's got like a little muscle thing that goes like Like in your lower lid or something? Oh, that's- Right there. Yeah, so every once in a while- I mean I've had that- Do you know what that is? No, but I know that it's people- it is a thing that people get that just- I don't know that it lasts two years.

I didn't think things could get any worse. I got a- What's like you can- I start't think things could get any worse. I gotta... I start fucking jiggling out of my sock. If I get pulled over for a DUI, I'm fucked, because my eyes are popping out of my socket over here! I look like a serial killer! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr words you know officer I'm just saying you love Israel don't you what if I give you 20 bucks for your campaign to continue being a cop you said to destroy it I didn't see yeah not in so many words ah driving me nuts what were

you saying about Vito's booty well I don't know I mean I saw the box over there the box was over here it was open and empty so I just kind of want to know where to go what happened that guy is, he goes to the absolute extremes of whatever. I have depression and elation, and two pounds is the difference. He'll weigh himself, he'll strip down of course because he believes we're all fooled by the difference between him clothed and having no clothes on for the weight. He's literally trying to make weight. He tries to make it every week so it doesn't make any sense.

Like, stop taking your clothes off, just weigh with the clothes. We know how much the clothes weigh. We'll subtract it in our minds. But there's something about like, you know, 298.7 versus 300, you know, or whatever. He's cramming for the test right at the end. We've talked about this. It's why short people still lie about their height. Like you're 5'2". No, like I'm 5'3.5". Like, it doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't fucking matter?

It does to them. You had all week to grow 5 inches, and now you're here at the last minute, lying about it. lying about your fucking toes Yeah, he's goes like I did a pretty good job this week I'm like you lost a you should have been losing up eight pounds every month this whole time And you didn't put any constraints on like whether he could like use those in pick or any like I mean stopped using it I know I I don't know why I'm not really sure why he might start again. Oh, but this week. I don't know There's got to be I don't know if there's I know. I don't know why. I'm not really sure why. You said he might start again. Oh, but this week. I don't know.

I don't know. There's gotta be, I don't know if there's side effects. I don't know. Yeah, you throw up your bones. It's like a really, some people get all fucked up with those Zempics. 80% of people, 90% of people, look at all they get stuck with.

There's a bunch of flappy, Zoidberg skin. It curbs your appetite, right? A big head. It does everything. Like, it does everything. It's like, it's making women everything. It's like, it makes, it's making women pregnant. It's like making guys hair. And making men pregnant sometimes.

Yeah. It's making women grow mustaches. Jesus. It's cutting down on addiction. Like liquor addiction, non-food related addictions. Really? Yeah, it's really crazy. Well, you know, I mean,

no, I don't know anything about it, really. Okay, that's what I like to, that's where I like to come from. But if that's, if that's true, that would make, because people, you know, you, addicts, you, food addicts, like, it's like, you're escaping, you're eating your, eating your fucking issues, you're eating your feelings, as I've heard it put, you know, you can do that like you can with booze or fucking drugs or whatever. It doesn't look as fun. No, I mean, but it, to me, that does make some kind of sense that it's suppressing kind of this like compulsive thing to eat.

They just don't feel hungry or whatever. There's a bunch of things that they don't feel anymore. Okay, I'm in the dist right now I don't know if anybody's around. So what's it like the alcohol and cigarette and, you know, drug lobby is gonna be freaking out? People are turning gay now because they're no longer addicted to women when they're on ozempic. Oh boy. Like, oh wow, I don't need this pussy anymore. What am I gonna do with all this money?

Oh man, I finally won the Mexican, the dog puke standoff. You know, the middle of the night, you start here, we're at my mom's for Mother's Day. You have the will to just leave it? Well, usually I'm just up like a, I'm up like a gunshot, you know, up like the start of a race. When I hear that I go, poof, I'm up, right?

You got to pull the dog onto the tile or outside. Luckily right next to the door. So boom, door open, dog's outside. The dog knows that she wants to throw up outside, you know. Well you know, sometimes I wonder if they really care. I don't know, this one does. She's like, hey you gotta let the door, bleh, bleh, bleh. I know cats don't.

A cat will be on the tile in the kitchen and will run to the couch or something or the bed You know, I haven't had a cat in a long time But what I remember they like to throw up on soft stuff for some reason because it's funnier because it's harder to clean up That's because this will get them assholes at the at their root But this time I woke up and resisted the urge. I don't know why. I'm like, you bitch, I'm going to make you do it this time. Because I always have to do it.

Yeah. She's- At your mom's house. No, at middle of the night. With back in my house. Right. With my girlfriend. And there's a deck right outside your door.

Right outside. So I'm laying there. I wake up and I hear it. I think, oh, fuck you. I'm going to make you do it. I'm always the one that has to do it, right? One of the very cool things about your house is that you can, fuck you, I'm gonna make you do it. I'm always the one that has to do it, right? One of the very cool things about your house is that you can, the dog,

because my dog's been coming over lately and you'll hear them running up and down the stairs occasionally, and you can let them out to any part of the yard. You can let them out there and they can go up to the front yard if they want. That's great, that's a great system. Yeah, it's like a different, but you don't,

because you're like on a peer and post kind of foundation up in the hills You're like, oh you would think there'd be like a front yard in the backyard But no, they can I designed it that way. Yeah, then come in and out anyway I've got the finest chicken wire whatever wire I have down there. Oh that one part in it in well They've you know, what are they gonna do? They ain't gonna They're not gonna defeat chicken wire. I know that the. The dogs you mean. Mine is definitely not smart enough. She is smart enough to run full speed into it, I'm sure. But you know.

I'm not going to paint it black. Yeah. Don't worry. But then I'm laying in bed, I'm thinking, oh, you bitch, you're going to have to do it. Fuck you. I always end up doing it. I'm so sick of being,

I'm so sick of getting taken advantage of, my generosity, you know? Yeah, it's a bit- I've been trying to do this thing where I just say no and I have more self-respect. You really need to learn. No, Israel! I don't support, I don't think you have the right, you know? Yeah, there's, yeah. I don't think you should be killing all these kids. I don't like it.

That's my new thing. Yeah. I'm sick of, I'm sick of cheering on fat women. I'm gonna start putting my foot down. Sick of being so nice to you broads. Oh man. It's always been your problem is you're just too- I'm just so nice!

You don't like to say no. You don't like to hurt people's feelings. Very nice. I was sitting next to a- Really to the detriment of yourself. I was sitting next to a bus. I was riding the bus and I turned out to be a woman. Hey, could you move on?

I was like, how do they get buses inside these bus- oh, it's a woman. Busception. And she's eating my hand, and I just take it. It's like a turducken. It's like a turducken. I'm just saying, well, you know, I hope- do you want any salt with that? Whole hand eating. Do you want any salt with that?

Wait, are you making like a horse- These- it's just eating- these kids- Giant iodized salt lick. salt with that? What are you making like a horse? Like a... These... It's just eating. These kids... Giant iodized salt lick. These kids... I'm playing pickleball at my parents' house. Okay, pickleball.

That's cool. We're having Mother's Day pickleball, right? I learned about pickleball over here, yeah. Man, you gotta play pickleball. I'll play pickleball. It's fun. It's great. Yeah.

You really slice... Are you a slice man? A slice man. Are you a slice man? You mean like putting mean like putting span on a little bit of English on the ball. I mean, it's nice to it's nice to be able to do to be able to do like as a I'm Mr. Slice. You used to play golf. It's yeah, it's nice to be able to move the ball both ways. Oh, man. I only hold my paddle at a 90 degree angle.

Gotcha. And I swing as hard as possible like a samurai. And I try to hit the ball so a samurai. Yeah. And I try to hit the ball so it just barely goes over the net. And I do this every single time. Like a flat. So you're just spinning the shit out of it. Like a flat samurai. Yeah. And I put it back in a sheath. So it backs up. Yeah. Yeah. It backs up for slices. I've sometimes hit a ball that's gone completely in reverse. Well, ping pong. Because I put so much spin on it. Yeah. Ping pong is great. I mean, you have to be able to, if you want to hit the ball hard,

you have to hit it with a bunch of topspin. I made two. Or else it's not going to hit the end of the table. It's going to hit the wall. Yeah. We're at the pickleball courts. My parents have a beautiful pickleball court, you know, nice, nice white neighborhood, benches, benches everywhere, wind screens on everything.

When we go play pickleball- Is it an actual, like a pickleball, like a permanent pickleball court? Yeah, yeah, yeah, they do that now. They turned all the tennis courts into pickleball courts, or half of them at least. Wait, and your parents have a- In the world. Are there actually like common facilities

in where your parents live? No, there's like, there's an area where they have common facilities, like you're saying. I just thought that they were all custom homes, like everybody, you know what I mean? They are, but they live near a development that's like condos. More like what you would think of as like common areas,

common facilities. Still real nice. They don't have the same kind of problems we do down here. Well, no, I wouldn't think where they are, no. Some fucking woman, dogs start going nuts at two in the morning, dogs in the neighborhood, dogs starts going nuts at three in the morning, dogs in the neighborhood, dogs start going nuts at three in the morning, four in the morning again.

I'm like, what the fuck? This is a very weird situation happening. I wonder what's going on. Maybe a coyote grabbed somebody's cat or something. Why are these dogs going nuts? Sure. Wake up to an email from a neighbor saying, oh, this crazy woman was banging on my door at two, three, four, uh, you know, asking to be let in.

I didn't let her in, but I didn't want to call the cops on her. Don't worry, she's of no harm to the neighborhood. I'm like, lady, what the fuck are you talking about? That is a very dangerous thing that you've, you are almost murdered. I don't want to freak you out, but if you had opened the door even a little bit, her fucking man's crew's coming in there

to rape and defile. It's like clockwork orange, but all ethnic. Clockwork orange drink. That's what you're gonna be faced if you ever, don't crack the door. It's very dangerous. What are you talking about? What was I talking about?

My parents' pickleball courts. Yes. That slice. We were at our pickleball courts, the ghetto barrio pickleball courts. Where are those? Those are down across the, there was a shooting there a couple, couple months ago,

across the, across the LA river. There was a shooting at a dog park in North Hollywood not long ago. Yeah, yeah, there was a shooting there. Pitbull shot a golden retriever. I heard a guy like, the guy into it with like somebody else and then left and fucking...

Gugged his gun. ...dude and did a drive-by. No, he didn't come back, like he was driving off. At the dog park? That's what I... Oh no! That's what somebody who was there told me. Oh no, did Ice Cube ever rap about that?

Mm. I don't think so. He doesn't have those kind of problems in Bel-Air, you know? He doesn't have those problems anymore? That's good. Let me see, is this working? Is everything working? Somebody tell me if this is not working. Anyway, what was I saying?

Pickleball court. Oh yeah, the slicing. These guys, people, the etiquette at these courts are real hit and miss. You're supposed to put your paddle up and wait. Like quarters in a video game machine, but they don't know. The women have no idea what's going on. It's the first time in their lives where they've ever

had to wait for something. As a guy who didn't care about video games, what do you mean? Like you put your paddles up. I'm next, yeah, here's my quarter, I'm next. This is my quarter. Okay, got it. What do you do in golf?

Just sit around? What do you mean? Put your balls up, I'm next, there's my ball. Well I mean there's a starter, like they give you a tea time, but then it's also like okay, usually they'll say like okay you're behind that, force them on the tea. Okay, they don't have that in video games in Pickleball. So these fucking Cholo's come up at our Barrio cards, where they've turned to tennis. Carl says the Rumble stream is fucked.

The Rumble stream is fucked? Big surprise. Big fucking surprise that Rumble is fucked. How fucked? Let me see. How fucked is it? How? Of course it is.

Well, go to Vimeo. Go to Vimeo. Carl, it's the Vimeo link was the Rumble link. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No, he's done with that. So... He's done with comics now. Now he's right doing music videos. Now did he have people pay for like the ISOM Comics series, right? I mean, it was supposed to be a series, right? Yeah, it was supposed to be the verse, man.

Rip-a-verse, man. I mean, it all started, the house that ISOM built, right? Yeah, this is the one that starts it. And so he's put out two two episodes two episodes Yeah, I have read them both years. They're about one was worse than the first does he has he said anything about? More coming more is always just gonna spin off and they're gonna get one or two episodes apiece They're gonna find Jasmine. You think he's gonna find Jasmine or people Waiting on the edge of their seats for Jasmine?

I think she might find a Jazzman. Yeah, he's the Jazzman now. I found the Jazzman. Do-do-de-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- spinning around, he green-screened himself spinning around in a warehouse that's like falling apart. So some dickheads took the green-screen footage that he posted and put a bunch of guys jacking off. Is that true? Yeah! Cause he's like, he's like, yo, what it is?

Look at my music video. Here's me. I'm spinning around on a platform and all these boxes It's like retarded unreal demo like like real like why is it spinning around in a bunch of squares? Can he hit with like a rain bird sprinkler of cum? Yeah, he's like all fat. He's like, oh look at my, look at my, I'm in my warehouse, it's falling apart We will win. The whole song's about not being able to take criticism either. He wrote it two years ago he says so apparently this has been a running theme I don't know if it's a culture thing or what I just oh yeah I was gonna

try to find that so he's just has so he's like he can't I think he realized maybe how fucking hard it is to follow through an idea like he has to like write a whole story but it's like, we'll just open more stories. It's like what happened to the fucking Sopranos? What happened to the Sopranos? They just started opening storylines around season three or four and then just like, oh, not gonna follow that up.

Nothing gonna do, nothing gonna do, we're just gonna forget about it. Okay, yeah. That's right, the Sopranos is fucking overrated. Deal with it. I hate, I hate those HBO shows. The Wire and the Sopranos. First two seasons of Sopranos, fucking great.

Got worse every season since then. Okay, here's Eric July's. So he posted this video. He posted this video of him spinning around in a green screen to show how cool and crazy it is that they put a bunch of cubes spinning around behind it like as though this is like I don't know 1994 and it's the first time anyone's ever seen his green screen Like he's fucking Steven Spielberg showing how the galimimuses are running around the field like wow man even then I was like okay Yeah, I just I understood the concept when you explained it to me. I didn't need to fucking walk through

He's like check it out. Here's my fat ass spinning around on a ball to dance And then they put in these cubes either he and George have to do a podcast like like just like explaining shit to each other Yeah, yeah, and just loving the other ideas or or pissing on each other's ideas, or they have to get married One or the other this is that this kind of shit right there is so then this look look see the cocks he's basking in the cocks shooting come all over him so funny Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, are they are they wider like do you use they're tiny here? They turn one tennis court into two pickleball courts, and they put them butt to butt because they don't get a fuck right my parents is all Benches fucking lights wind screens, and this is like it's fucking poor people just slap slap a couple of them on this card Right, but you know but like wind doubles are there different rules does the

Like a tennis court you know is that extra different serving? Different rules, but not crazy different. So he's like, yeah, my homie too. And it's like, this guy was like, Oh, he's got his top button. Dickie's button all the way up to the top. He goes, yeah, he's never played before. I'm like, oh man, okay.

Yeah, that's not a big ask at all. Here we are, dressed in like, athletic gear. He's going to hit it all over the world. And your fucking captain Dickie's over here is his first fucking game. What a, that's great bro. And you couldn't play with him? You couldn't make him hit a ball against a fucking wall?

Just to see. Just to see? Just to get the basics down, right? Yeah, the worst is gonna be like, it never gets returned. So like, okay, I mean, how can I say no? Okay, once again, too nice. He lifted his shirt and show you his piece. Yeah, just there's gonna be no problems, that's it.

So I saw this guy, this fucking, fucking homies, whatever, with the bandana, he comes up to serve and he gets like, he gets like one of these cat fucking, seeing its shadow and getting afraid, right? You realize right you realize How few people actually have done anything athletic like maybe maybe in their lives let alone in like the last like you know 20 years time playing did you mean playing anything?

Playing pickleball being outside playing outside Playing outside I grew up in a fucking some kind of detention center and was not allowed to mingle with the- Yeah, they didn't have pickleball and juvie, bro. You didn't have tennis? He had to use a sandbox by himself. Like that he had his own yard time or whatever. So I said, alright, I get him in for a little bit. And towards the end I got so upset. I fucking spun a ball so hard that both of these motherfuckers ran into it. I was like, oh, okay, this is gonna be a good one.

I'm gonna spin it so fucking hard that it goes on his side and lures them over to crash like Rocksteady and Bebop at the end. And he's like, would you mind if we play again? I'm like, no, I wanna play, we wanna play. That's why we came. So anyway, we're at my parents' pickleball court. Oh my God, I gotta tell you this.

My dad called the, He's got a new neighbor. And he accidentally called... He accidentally referred to the guy's wife as his mom. Oh, just like innocently? Like, oh when do you do? Yeah, I give this to your mom. I said to the guy, oh yeah, you can give this to your mom. Because that's my wife.

My mom? Because doesn't your mom live here? He should have just five man. You gotta get a new wife And like that's a bad first impression Should have just made him just yeah, that's hilarious. Hey give this to your mom. Yeah, it's my mom. How old is a guy? like our age Yeah, give this 40 something Wow Yeah, give this... 40 something. Wow. It's my wife. And he explained it to him. Cool, man. You try to explain that?

He went over there with my mom and she's like, oh, I just went down and started petting his dogs and didn't look at him again. Smart move. So we're up there and these kids come on... These kids come on the court

Interrupting in the middle of a point They could be his aunt and uncle or something There's all kinds of fucked up age shit going on over there apparently We're at my parents courts playing pickleball is a very important game my sister and my girlfriend versus me and her husband Me and my brother-in-law, right? Very important game, a lot on the line. But the one who's going to let it be known that they are very competitive, if I know- There's no need, we all know what's going on.

We know your sister is out for blood. Yes. This is why I have always liked your sister, because it's fucking life and death, god damn it. And this was how I am. It was one game too far I'm like, oh no, I can I had partied too hard I swore I wouldn't go overboard last night and I did and this is oh This is really bad. This is a really bad situation. We're in right now Oh, this is really bad. This is a really bad situation. We're in right now

So a bunch of kids come on the come into the court and they have to go through a door That's behind us to get on yeah, and they do it during the middle of the middle of the game You're sweating like a fucking you're a came out of the sauna. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so We're like, oh my god. All right, and then my sister, after this happened, she goes, hey, you guys are supposed to wait for a point to be over to come on the court. To them. Yeah. Oh boy, OK.

And then I hear nothing. She's serious. Yeah, I hear nothing. I'm like, OK. And she goes, hey, hey, I'm talking to you. You're supposed to wait. I look over, and the kids are all fatter than, I mean, I'm talking men, women,

there's the women in their company, they're built like cabbage patch dolls. The arms, they're wearing sports bras and like yoga shorts lotioning each other up like Madagascarar 3 like the hippos at the watering hole It's it was obscene. I've never seen when we were kids. There would be one fat kid Maybe in a group. It was the fat kids in this group. It was it was mortifying. It's true. I can There are everybody's gotten fatter, but I mean you really you really did you were like oh, it's you kind of think of it I mean, you know you think of oh, it's oh, he's the fat kid in class

Yeah, like it's in everybody would know who you were talking about Heads the size of Potatoes yeah, they don't got any fucking no one has any elbows. Back of their necks look like packs of Franks. It was horrible. So that's why we lost. We did lose the game and that's why. Because of the fat women preening in lotion. I mean you could, it was, how long does it take you to apply suntan lotion? A couple, like a minute and a half tops, right? There was just... Pshhhhhh Never ending over there! Pshhhh Can I get another can?

Yeah! Ting ting ting ting ting ting This one's out Like they're using... Just gonna start using Krylon cans Yes, they're using Krylon! Applicators for... Sontan lotion

I forget why I started telling this Pickle up But! I felt bad Making my girlfriend get up to Take care of the dog puke, right? Oh, yes. Secretly laying there going, you bitch, you're gonna do it this time. I felt bad about it a little bit all day because she has to wake up so early.

And then when she got home, she goes, oh, I know, I was sitting there laying in bed listening to her starting to throw up. And I thought to myself, no, I always make him do it. So I'm gonna do it this time, and I said you fucking bitch You've been doing that you've been doing that this whole time And you never once never once felt bad about it never this is the only time Yeah, this is the only time in three years that you've ever felt compelled to get up and do it yourself And you've been f compelled to get up and do it yourself

and you've been faking it the whole fucking time? Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho Mm-hmm like always um let's see what I got here Got a new entry in the women versus bear where so wait a minute. Where is where's Carl? Is this working well? He texted me. Yeah, I'm sweat all the time. He texted you too. He texted me well Yeah, we got the same text does he need to go early. I don't know I mean it is later for him Yeah, it is the rumble stream is fucked send me a video link. Okay, when do you guys when do you guys want to come on? You never seen these kids like this man, yeah kids are getting big I was like Oh, man, are we gonna have a are we gonna have an issue? I am NOT in fighting condition To have with a my sister is really great at picking fights. Yeah getting in people's faces

Yeah, but then I look over it's like this is cool. Huh gonna slide right off of these tanks Women versus yeah, here we go. This is it, Sean. This is the- The answer? Do we have the answer? This is the answer to the women versus bear. Here it is. If you run into her in the forest, uh, I pity the man and the bear.

I guess it's- Oh, wow. Is this fake? Well, it's- Most athletic woman on earth for sure. It's a woman doing a baton routine. Yeah. Spinning a, spinning a staff around. Yeah.

You know, twirling a staff around. Right. And they really believe, this woman here believes could- That this- Would take a bear? Would take not only a man, but a bear. Yeah, well.

Look at these shoulders with this upper arm strength weapon of a bow staff. You probably got, if you miss a man's testicles with this baton once, the first time and the one time, it's over. That's the end of the fight. Right? That's the end of the girl bossing. You can also hear that that is, it's aluminum, I think. You think it's a shower curtain weight or lighter than that?

Oh, no, I think it's incredibly light. Oh, you think so? There's no mass to that fucking thing. How many hits do you think you could take right in the side of the head with this? Probably 50. It would probably be shocking how little that thing would hurt. Yeah, especially when you're all rape crazy, you know? There's no one around here that can stop what I'm doing here. The bear as well, probably.

She could have a chainsaw and the bear's gonna win. Well, who's gonna start the chainsaw? Ha ha ha! I got shit for stopping at Lowe's on the way! Does your girlfriend have some sort of aversion to Home Depot or Lowe's? No. This one fucking, she can't even be kept in the parking lot. Oh really?

She starts fritzing out. Oh man, God forbid I make one pit stop at Lowe's on the way up to Mother's Day. Yeah, why? Because it takes too long or something or why doesn't she, you know, those big. Sean, we've been together for nine years. I don't ask why. Fair enough. Anymore.

Okay. I hate Lowe's. But she's always had the aversion to Lowe's. Cool, yeah. Got it. Make sure I'll, make sure to, you know, make sure to never need anything then if it's convenient. Yeah.

I'll just go on my own time. Makes it a lot, like the app makes it a lot easier, doesn't it? So you know where the fuck things are going. Cause like that place could be, cause the turnover for employees is like insane. So nobody really- Turning them over cause they're all fat Latinas.

Yeah, turning them over would take forever. Nobody, but nobody, nobody's there long enough to actually know the inventory. So like you need to kind of do it online where it's like, this is where it should be. A lot of those girls don't even know like what. There's always one guy who knows everything. Yeah.

And people are bringing dogs in there now too. It's so fucking annoying. Eh, you know. Let's see, there was a portal installed in New York. Pretty cool. A portal? Yeah, they installed a portal to New York and Dublin. See, it's this screen.

And you could see them and they could see you, right? Amazing. Isn't that an amazing television technology, but it's called a portal. Yeah, amazing. Call something we all know different. Look, we installed a TV in the middle of the... That's what Ireland... Oh, no. Oh, no. We install the TV in the middle of this upsets and now what's what Ireland

It's the Twin Towers getting hit by was that plane so they opened it They probably open that thing and that troll probably took like 37 seconds, right? Yeah They thought everyone was gonna be doing like nurse dances and shit We're across the world, we're all coming together because of this thing that looks futuristic that is literally cameras and screens. Yeah, it's like you're on like a Zoom meeting, but it's outside. Oh, wow, that's really amazing, man.

And a big circle, wow. Yeah, it's into the Spider-verse. It's a portal? A portal to what? To nowhere. To electrocution, if you try it. Here it comes. Somebody's laughing their ass off.

Probably Hamas. Maybe. Jesus. Okay. Pretty cool. Put some porn on it too. Somebody did or somebody should. That's a nice little art project you had. It'd be a shame if someone were to put a bunch of 9-11.

Yeah. Pictures. It'd be a shame. Be a real shame. Here is a- Christ. Here's a lady doing her best. Let's see here. This is a graduation ceremony. I'm sure there's a valid reason for this. This is a

graduation ceremony at Thomas Jefferson University. You know where they read the names of all the people graduating? Yeah. Yeah. One by one, then they get their diplomas. Sure. They take your diploma and shake their hand. Yeah. Good job turn to the camera No refunds flip your tassel over whatever the fuck you're supposed to do and flip your me I got a degree in art history here. There you go. Okay Well, that was sire that what was that that says Sarah, what do you Saira, Ouvun, Jinju, Brenan. What? Saira? That- what was that? That says Saira. What are you- what? Saira, Ouvun, Jinju, Brenan.

What the fuck? Was that really supposed to be the- Saira Virginia Brenan, it says. She says Saira, Siri, Jinju, Brenan. What the fuck? No. For real? Maricelyn Brabazin-Kar. Maricelyn, that's Marissa Lynn. Brabazin-Kar.

Marissa Lynn. What did she say? Maricelyn Brabazin-K Carr. How do you fuck these up? Victoria Lee Zubinfrost. No, she must be off on that. Zubinfrost? What's a Zubinf- she's reading names, Sean. Well, no, I know, but something's gotta be off. She's reading names. Zubinfrost. Zubinfrost. The last name's Bruce. Victoria Elizabeth Bruce. Zubifrost? The last name's Bruce. Victoria Elizabeth Bruce. Zubifrost! Something's gotta be off.

You know, all Zubifrosts are back. What? The Halffields and the Zubifrosts. The Halffields and the Zubifrosts. Legendary American names. What the heck? Victoria Elizabeth Groves. Not what she said.

Malina Zobeth. Molly Camp. Malina Zobeth? Molly Elizabeth Camp? What's going on? What's going on with this? She keeps going with this? Nobody saved her This is like the whole fucking graduation like that. Was it in South Africa? There was that sign language person that didn't know anything. No, it's just yeah was just you know

Yeah, like well, they would you know, they said they knew it and like wanted to help. Yeah, it was just complete nothing It was just complete nothing. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah, cool. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Tomu-me! Thomas. Thomas! Tomu-me? Somebody in the background... Somebody in the background is Thomas. Yeah. And now, was that when they're watching it, or is somebody telling this person...

I don't know! What is going on here? I don't know, but it's... Socioeconomic factors, I'm sure. We didn't even get through that name. Come on, no, play it. We want to see more. She just gave up. She said Thomas. Mamume

Michilu Liagri, what the fuck? This is like human as a second language like How do you... I was told... I was told just... I don't detect an accent in that... Like, this woman who's trying to read this didn't... It seems like they came from the United States, right? I mean...

I guess, I don't know. I don't know what kind of name she's used to reading. She said that it was because it was all phonetic pronunciations on... Wait, the woman gave a statement? Yeah, she said it's because it was all phonetic pronunciations. The woman gave a statement? Yeah, she said it's because it was all written phonetically. Phonetically? Makes no sense. Like she would have been...

Like they didn't give her... Because they're like, they don't want to mispronounce. I can see in some instances if you wrote it out phonetically, that would be fucked up. They should have the name and then the phonetic in parentheses. Oh I'm sure I don't believe them at all. Yeah. The mispronunciation has occurred due to the way phonetic spellings were presented on the speaker's card. Oh, yeah, really? Okay. So she didn't stop and go like, how come there's all these goofy names? That's fucking crazy. Okay, let me get

Let's see, there's a surrogate. Ah Israel's crying about something, I don't know. All right. Then Yahoo says in the Holocaust, no nation came to our aid. Okay, is that the official story in Israel? Hey guys, during the Holocaust, nobody came to our aid. What were they doing? What was D-Day? That was, those guys were here to help the Nazis in the Holocaust actually.

Yeah. Every guy- the atom bomb too was supposed to be dropped on Israel. That- and they fucked up because they're stupid and dropped it on Japan. Missed it. The whole world was versus us. Uh, no na- let me see. What do you mean? Yeah. What's the quote?

In the Holocaust, no nation came to our aid. If Israel is forced to stand alone, Israel will stand alone. We will defeat our enemies. Never again is now. Yeah, okay. Okay. Well, knock yourselves out. Let's get a new meeting. Let's get a new meeting for Carlito. Oh. I was on the book. Mamume! What the fuck?

So then how did you fuck up the phonetic ones then? Let me see in this... Well, yeah. Phonetic spelling of Sean. Phonetic spelling of Sean. Here's how I would do it. I would say S-H-O-N. Um. Although that can be written as Sean. Here's how I would do it. I would say S-H-O-N. Although that's written as Sean.

Isn't phonetics written in a weird language? Like weird symbols? If you know English then S-H-A-W-N is the easiest way. People mispronounce my name all the time. Seon? All the time. Who? Well, usually Hispanics.

Seon. But I had a lot of... White people say seen. But it's a seen! It's a common fucking name! Like, that's one of those things that if you've spoken English for longer than five minutes, you just have to look at and know. Like how to pronounce laughter. Uh... I don't... I'm gonna need to see some identification from that shit.

All right, let me send this to Carl. Carl. Uh-huh. I don't know how official phonetic pronunciation is. Oh, well, she obviously can't read that. No. But. Well, the problem was the phonetic thing pronunciation was all fucked up.

Yeah. Why did you put that there if she can't read the phonetic one then? Yeah. What was that gonna do to help? Mm-hmm. Oh, he wrote out all the names phonetically to help you. Can you read phonics? No.

Okay, well, that's not a very good plan then. So like, but what I'm saying is like, uh, yeah, so it is what I think it is, right? Like if you want to spell like phone, you don't use a pH. No, I think there's like a symbol that represents a f sound. Yeah. And that's what it is. F. An F.

I don't know. I'll call my mom. I would say F-O with the straight line across the O so it's not a Fah, you know, O-N. Yeah. Say it like that. Here's a man. Oh, here's a good one.

Biden, teleprompter. No, that's always good. Biden versus teleprompter, here we go. What, Riley versus, oh. Biden. Oh. Eric Jalai is now saying that Riley went to his actual house. Oh God. He's such a fucking crybaby.

People are making fun of his music video, so now he's trying to say that Riley went to his house. Which he didn't, right? He went to his fucking outside his- The video he watched was what he did. Maybe he sleeps at the warehouse. Well, that's- Could be. Yeah. Wouldn't put it past him.

Yeah. Next thing he's accused of forklift rape. I went to his house and raped his forklift. Right. Wouldn't put it past them. Yeah. Next thing is accused of forklift rape. I went to his house and raped his forklift. Right. You raped his wife? My theology professor at the Catholic school I went to was a guy named Riley, last name. And he had... Or is he saying like, not meaning not first name. He didn't deliver that well, but I can see like His name's Riley. Okay. I'm not getting last name. His name's Riley last name. Yeah, Riley last name Yeah, that's his last name. Okay, maybe that's it then. What's up boys? Not that clear, but that's what I'm thinking. Yeah What's happening guys? Look at all these guys I got here Sean Sean. Look at all these people I have on this screen here.

Carl's got a beard and a hat. They're both Carl. That's what it says. Yeah, but he's copying me. Fine. He sees I'm getting all the bitches and he's like, I gotta try that. Oh, very nice. I don't like that Sean knew that was a joke immediately. That didn't make me happy. I make the same kind of jokes. I make the same jokes. Oh yeah. Carl, you're rocking a director of sale, regional sales beard there. I'm overdue.

I got to get in for the old, uh, shave and a haircut. Uh, are you going to go all the way up to Vinny's level? No, I don't want to look like a fruit. Oh wow. I'm not doing that. Okay. No, I gotta look good for Vegas. See that segue? That's how a pro does it. I gotta look good for Vegas for Hackamania. Yeah. May 31st through June 2nd that we're going to be at. Vito and I are doing a show at 6 30 on Friday night there. Did you hear about that? I did not. Did you work that out with Patrick Melton?

Yes. Nice. And I thought Vito would be happier about that than he was. He seemed kind of, I don't know what the right word is. Surprised? He seemed surprised, but not pleasantly surprised. Did he know that he was going to Vegas for a show before you told him?

Yeah, he was like, we gotta go, let's go. I can sell some of my clothes. Yeah, yeah. Vito was all in on it, I know. He was all about it, but then I said, okay, I talked to that guy who's doing it, and he said we could do a show on 6.30. He goes, oh, like a show show? I'm like, well, you know, I mean,

whatever you want to call it, what we do. I was like, ah, preparation, fuck. Isn't that kind of your normal time? Yeah, it's exactly our normal time. Yeah, so what's the problem about it? I don't know. I don't know. You're gonna be live at the venue doing it?

Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, it'll be fun. I also wanna have you on WATP, both of you guys. Well, that would be great because I'm not doing anything else there. Okay, yeah, so Saturday, the creep off is doing a show. Yeah, we have a very coveted time slot, 4.30 PM. Okay. Yeah. We're, we're, so Saturday, the creep off is doing a show. Yeah. We have a very coveted time slot for 30 PM.

And that WTP is later than that more prime time, but whatever, you know, they're all good slots. Everyone's going to be there. Yeah. So I'd love to have you guys on there for WTP. What time are you doing WTP? I knew you were gonna ask me that. Can someone go to Hackamania.com and look up the master marketer ladies and gentlemen. Hackamania.com has all the information you could possibly need for all these Hackamania. And you guys have a promo code, Dick. Oh yeah, it's the N word. Nope. Jesus Christ. There's one thing I know about your promo code. Jesus Christ. It's not that. We're on 8PM, who are you? Spell it phonetically. Did you see that lady?

Did you see that lady reading those names? We were just dying just now. Chamoose? Did they hire her from a make-a-wish? How did that happen? Yeah. They hired her to make a dream. Somebody had a dream, and then now we're here with...

She's blind, but identified as sighted. So... In which case, she was pretty good. Pretty good, yeah. Somebody had a dream and then now we're here with she's blind but identified as sighted In which case she was pretty good pretty good. Yeah good for a blind woman I think you'd be better just guessing Thomas Carrie, I don't know finally somebody couldn't handle it in the background. It's like Thomas Thomas You've Thomas for fuck's sake the name of this college Thomas I'm surprised that the graduates were walking out. I would have just been like, I'm just waiting till they figure out who's coming up next.

I'm like, how are you gonna? Yeah. Well, I guess- I'm not walking out to Oobobby or whatever you said. Right, yeah. I legitimately have to question if that person knows what a name is. Yeah.

Because there's not one actual person's name. No. Yeah. Honestly, if they don't pronounce hamburger correctly, I'm not walking out to get my diploma No Good money for this You can learn to say hamburger or you can you can find somebody who can say hamburger, right? Right? Okay, so hackamania. Yeah, that'll be a lot of fun Vito staying with a with a fan

He somehow got he somehow got a free room free lodging it in Vegas yeah yeah it's gonna cost something yeah what has not been determined but yeah he's staying he's staying at a at someone's residence boy okay for the whole weekend I I think so. Yeah, how many hand jobs that gonna be? I'm not sure what that anyway, just real quick. We're here for the creep off We're gonna read our scum parade stories, but I just wanted to promote Hackamania calm you guys have promo code its biggest. Oh, yeah, or also initials. Uh, uh, TB now use biggest. Yeah. Use biggest get 20% off the ticket price. It's all weekend. We have

a live podcast, live standup shows. There's a poker tournament on Sunday. I'm looking forward to this. Do you play poker? I do. Yeah. Are you good? I'm not. I, well, cause I'm way out of practice. We used to play all the time. Everyone poker was on I do, yeah. Are you good? I'm not. Well, cause I'm way out of practice. We used to play all the time. Remember when poker was on TV all the time? Oh yeah. Man, that was... Early 2000s, it took off.

We used to play every weekend and I don't really, we play like a couple of times a year now. Lot of people did. So I'm way out of practice. Lot of people did. The 2-1 Express was heavily into poker. Get shit faced and play poker with his friend Yeah, like six in the morning like every weekend and they'd be up and down go to commerce

Dollars with each other. Yeah, and then they Nothing until it was drunken again. Drunken midget fight it like they both end up with their shirts off rolling around If Andrew Tate was a game, that's what the poker craze was. And that's like 2004. Yeah. Is that when that happened? Yeah. God, you couldn't get away from it. It was better though. Yeah. Well, a lot of things were better. Okay. Sorry. So what do you guys, what do you guys have today? All right. So, uh, I think Vinny's going to read some stories for us because we like to See who the biggest scum is of the week guys. I gotta tell you I

Really toiled over finding some good stories for this show because I take coming down the dick show very seriously Thank you to tell you some of these and I tell him not to buddy still I gotta tell you I love this opener gentleman by the name of Jason Warren. He's 54 years old He's a grandfather. He was arrested on May 6th in Sacramento After police responded to a 911 call from someone who said they spoke to a man walking around the parking lot of a local bar Pleading for help from anyone to help find his missing granddaughter Okay, that's scary. Okay. So the police show up and they find this guy incredibly intoxicated, screaming to everybody.

They're sex trafficker, I think. They're fucking my granddaughter right now. The cops are like, Oh my God, what? They took her to sex trafficker? Yeah, they took her to sex trafficker. Within two minutes of that, they have helicopters in the air. Oh no. There's drones. There's canines. There's squad cars.

Wow. They are going around the neighborhood, calling the girl's name on a police intercom. Uh-huh. And it turns out the homeless woman that he gave his granddaughter to for $20, four hours ago, to keep an eye on, brought her back safe and sound

How old is the great is the granddaughter six years old six years old gives her to a homeless woman so he can go drink Oh, I'm guessing Bucks, yeah, he's gonna go into a pub for a couple hours Yeah, these regulations and these laws against miners and pubs are causing this correct, this is what I'm annoyed. The article makes it seem like the grandfather's a piece of shit. Whoever gave this responsibility to watch a six-year-old to this guy, this is his first time fucking up. He's a 54-year-old drunk. Obviously he's had a... There's no way that's his first questionable move. In light of the cops. I mean, he found I mean, he got the cops motivated, right?

That's hard. By screaming like a madman, right? That's the best way to do it. Yeah, I mean, I guess it did get results. Nobody wants to help a 54-year-old drunk, but they want to stop him. Or they, you know, whatever. They want a show.

Yeah. So my favorite part of the article says that war was highly intoxicated and this homeless woman said She didn't think that he could care for the child So she took the kid back to the homeless camp And just watched her for four hours And she comes back and they asked the kid did this woman take it she's like no we went ahead chilly Yeah, it was a half fire saying do-op Took this six-year-old to a homeless camp and they said the child didn't suffer any distress like I would have

Well, that's that's the other question Maybe they have it fine after all, the homeless people. Well, I mean, not all of them are fucking wild fucking lunatics. Drug addicts. You know, I mean... Really? Are you sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only the ones in LA.

Yeah, she could have had... How many? You know, I don't know, but most people have some kind of fucking problem that you would not give a kid to. But clearly, there's a guy with a kid who should not be responsible for that kid in any way, shape or form. Because as Carl pointed out, there's no way that's his first fuck up. That's like Harambee all over again. Yeah.

Well, what's annoying is that, so this guy comes up with this great story. Jason Warren's just like, Oh, she was sex trafficked. All these sex traffickers. You guys have been reading the news, right? That's what's going on. You can never trust a homeless stranger with a secret. She immediately goes, no, no, no, no. He gave me 20 bucks to watch it while he went and got drunk. Like, bitch, this was a secret between the two of us. What are you doing? Did he forget that he did that?

Yes. Well, yeah. He didn't know that four hours had passed. Well, my favorite part of this is they take him to jail, and there are at the jail They asked him what was going on and he said I don't well I can I could tell by her character She looked like a decent person and I trusted her Like I trust my sister my cousin he said yeah People just like us, you know, I consider myself a good judge of character. And the first woman I saw who was upright, I thought,

yep, she can take care of my grandchild. Christ. And he really did argue with people, too. Oh, yeah? And the jail said things like, I wasn't in there four hours. Come on. And then he said at one point, he goes, oh, so it's my fault for leaving my granddaughter with a guardian angel. It was my fault. That's a quote. Yeah. Because apparently this homeless person actually took really good care of this

child. They went to a frisk for- So he was right. Yeah. He picked the right person. He said this was God's providence. He said, he literally, he said, he goes, when asked if he would do it again, he said, yes, I would. Everything I did. I told God and I said, you know what? It's your will God, not mine.

Yeah, you did this. Okay, that makes perfect sense. That's a way to not be responsible for anything. So everyone's mad at the grandfather. Yeah. You know, for wanting to go into a bar for four hours to get drunk, I was supposed to be watching for anything. So everyone's mad at the grandfather. You know, for wanting to go into a bar for four hours to get drunk, I was supposed to be watching his granddaughter. But the aunt was giving the child back

as if the aunt's making responsible decisions. She's the one's like, hey pops, take care of her for a minute, I gotta go to work. And then they're like, oh, this, your grandma was very irresponsible. We're gonna give you back to her yeah what if he said what if he said when she was going out hey I'm gonna go to the bar and give her to a homeless woman you okay with that and she's like yep that's cool

bucks can't look trustworthy I ask I'm just saying the answer be locked up before this something should be. Something tells me that whole family is fucked and that kid sadly has very little shot of... I don't know, we should test that. We should give... see if we can give one of those robots to homeless people. Here you go, take care of this thing. Yeah, I don't think that would last very long. This guy is right though. This woman really was the one in a million because like nine out of ten times you give

A six-year-old to homeless people it doesn't end like this well How do you think it would add many? What do you think would be the? What was the homeless person get from a six-year-old? I don't know trying to sell for 30 Somebody immediately they would just like they would do like one of those videos Turn a six-year-old to a thousand dollars like they imagine you're a six-year-old imagine you're a homeless person what would happen you should like you should like oh fuck I didn't have a plan for this yeah like I know I know this six-year-old's worth some it's gotta be worth money I know that on the

street but a six-year-old you flip dude, what you doing? That's a different audience for that. You flip the six-year-old for cigarettes, right? Yeah, all right, that was it. And then you take the cigarettes for some meth, and then you trade the meth up for some coke. It's like the book. Yeah, you start with a paperclip, right? Yeah. You're thinking of prison, by the way.

That's not how things work on the street. Whatever you want, whatever your end game is, just trade the kid for that. OK, so you're going to get stabbed, and someone's going to take the six-year-old. That really wants it. That could happen. It is a white kid, so it's worth something.

Oh. All right, well, maybe Dave Rubin is looking to adopt another. Who? Dave Rubin. Oh yeah, right. Yeah. I got another story from Kansas, guys. The FBI got involved. There's a gentleman by the name of Jace Christian Henson He works at a very reputable famous steakhouse in the area called the Hereford house now

he worked at there for for about a month before the FBI had to get involved and Basically the situation was they got a tip that Someone was online who worked in a restaurant that was doing pretty fucked up shit to people's food and posting it to social media. Okay. What kind of stuff? Well, for example, if you ordered salmon, he would rub his balls on it and then post it online for people to see.

Before or after? Cooking. Well, probably after before it went to the table. Yeah, okay. I used it online for people to say. I prefer like a black pepper. Before or after? I don't know. Okay. Well, probably after before it went to the table. Yeah, okay. It's the best white wine and caper reduction sauce. Like nobody gets it quite like this. What is it, ball sweat? He would put lettuce inside of his pants.

And they said that he would also pee inside of the pickle jars. That old gag. Yeah. He's the guy who wanted to get fired then, right? Because this is what I would do if I was like, I hate this fucking job. We start peeing in the pickles. He would also take food and press the food up against his ass, spit on it.

And once he was identified, listen to this. He was busted after he posted some of these things online, which was noticed by the FBI wing monitoring intentional food contamination and eateries. The New York close said in a report, once the identity of the accused was confirmed, they arrested him, but they said that they tracked him through dating apps or he was using dating apps. Which apps was he posting these videos to? Oh, grinder grinder scruffy and sniff. Yeah, which is crazy because I thought that gay people were better than us. I didn't know some of them were weird perverts. Stop it. No idea.

So he was on these things that guys who'd be like at work like talking with them, like, what do you want to see me do next? He like, could you rub your balls on the salmon for me? Jace? Yeah. And he's sending it to these dudes. They're all jerking off. I like that in the article it says this place is world famous. Now it is. So try our world famous pickles. Why are they world famous again?

Mostly because that guy was pissing at it. Did you say there was a division at the FBI that looks into contaminated food, intentionally contaminated food? Yes. The FBI needs to be playing Seems like it. Yes. The FBI needs to be playing that up more. Right. Hey guys, I know everyone kind of hates us right now,

but we also do like, you know. You want balls on your salmon? Yeah, pissing in pickles and stuff. Yeah, we can't have that. They should be parading this guy around on national television that they caught him. Yeah. You should be on the board at the Today Show.

Thank you, FBI. Hey, look it, we're not just trying to convince people to murder the governor of Michigan. We also are catching people are putting medicine in their pants. Oh, okay. Well, I like that. All right. Well, you know, I look for a text.

Oh, he's got to do that. That's good. Well, he was, he was also uploaded these to this website called this vid.com, which they use to identify his profile. They reached out to a phone number they belong. They believe belonged to him. They tracked that signal to the parking lot where they reached out to a phone number they belong, they believe belonged to him. They tracked that signal to the parking lot where they found the vehicle registered in his name.

They go in and talk to the owner and the manager and they find the guy wearing the same shoes. Do you recognize his head of lettuce? He has to go pick it out in a lineup. The poor FBI agent just picks it up and sniffs it. Puts it back down. It just looks at the kid. Gives him a glare.

Vinny, the details that you just gave there, you and I were talking about this when you came over. I'm skeptical of that. And there's two reasons why. One is it makes it seem like the FBI is so sophisticated that they could figure out anything that anyone does based on all these different parameters, which is scary AF. I don't like that. But also it tries to make them seem like they're like this super organization. They're like, you won't get anything past us.

Nothing's getting past the goalie when we're out the case. Like, I agree it's scary, but in this particular scenario, I feel like they're using this for the greater good. Oh, I agree. But you're saying the ends justifies the means which I don't agree with Wow. I mean tell it to Batman Carl Yeah, all right. Good point. He does punch out a couple people. Yeah, that's all I'm saying so Villain that just puts lettuce in his pants and stuff Joker he's really funny guy Okay, pretty good prank He doesn't... Jack's off in soup? He was called the Joker. He was a really funny guy. Oh, you guys didn't do that shit? Okay.

Pretty good prank. So, his shift was starting as the FBI showed up. They walk into the kitchen and they just start looking at people's shoes. And the FBI dives and slaps a hot dog out of somebody. Nooooo! Hahahaha! Kevin Costner! Nooooo! Yeah. Pfft! Ohohohoho! You win some Congressional medal for it. Kevin Costner! No!

You win some Congressional medal for it. That hot dog's just been up that guy's ass on Scruff. Thank God for the FBI! Ding! And ahhh! He gives a thumbs up after his teeth dwindle. And die! Ay-ya! Oh! He gives a thumbs up after his teeth twin. It's like the FBI logo, like, you know, don't record this. God.

So they interrogated the guy, he confessed. He did this over 20 times to people's food and posted it. Come on, man. Now, how many... are people going to file people gonna file suit against the restaurant or anything? Like, you know, for negligent hiring of an employee? I mean, you know somebody's gonna try lawsuits, right? Every one of those 20 people gets to shit in his food at some point in his life.

Where did that order go? They're never gonna say when. They don't know when, yeah. They get to call the FBI and say, okay, today's the day. Today is the day. He's got a one-deed drive-thru. Go, go, go! I had lentils and cuttlefish last night, and I need to punish someone.

One McFlurry! Hold that McFlurry, ma'am. Hang on, I'm having an egg, Tabasco, and Worcestershire sauce shooter this morning. Sir, if you could just pull forward, we'll let you know when your order's ready. He's like, something's fishy here. Exactly. I'm out of here. Sir, are you paying for your...

Damn it! Guzzle some smoked oysters on the way to the restaurant. Here we go. That's not... I guess that's unusual, right? That's why it's the cruel and unusual punishment. Right. Cruel was fine, but then they're like, well, no unusual stuff. It should be cruel or unusual.

Yeah. I don't know. No cruel and unusual. Yeah, well that's what it is, right? Oh really? Well yeah, no cruel and unusual punishment. So it can be unusual? Or no, I'm sorry, maybe it is cruel or.

Yeah, it must be or. There's no way that they would give us that. I don't know, yeah. It's one hell of a loophole. That's the Second Amendment all over it, all over again. Yeah, you can't have, neither one can be fun. Yeah. Oh well. Alright, sorry guys.

Well, I got one more story tonight guys. And you know what's good, because it's in India. Oh boy. It's gonna be good. There is's good? Because it's in India. Oh boy. Speaking of diarrhea. I saw an Indian fucking a muffler. What? Like an Indian having sex with a muffler in a car.

Somebody had a video and this guy was just pounding. Who came to completion first? You or the guy fucking the muffler? Well, he was interrupted so he didn't get a chance. I can watch it as many times as I want it. Right. Do you have the link or? Yeah, right he didn't get a chance. I guess so. I could watch it as many times as I wanted. Right. Do you have the link, or? Yeah, right.

He's trafficking a compact car. That was just showing off. It's cool videos he had. He was practicing for American women, I think. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Jiminy heavier buffers He's out there with the tape measures like all right This will fit in my shed now they're going to be louder when you get there yeah Exactly hitting a series of my nike's in preparation We're to go to Karnataka India six-year-old disabled child was thrown into the river by his 26-year-old mother Savitri

Kumar and 27-year-old father Ravi Kumar and was killed by crocodiles. Yeah. Now, hold on. This is the crazy thing because the article says the six-year-old disabled person child was killed by crocodiles, but I'm sure it's not a strong swimmer. They threw the crocodile in after it. Oh no he's swimming back somehow! Get that crocodile out there!

Yeah yeah yeah. In this case, and autopsy is probably warranted, the mother said that the father did not, would fight with her all the time because she had given birth to a disabled child. And she said that she threw the child into the river full of crocodiles on her husband's instructions. She did it, but he said, you gotta get this.

Yeah, you gotta listen to your husband in India. That's correct. So neighbors who saw the incident formed the police. Divers tried to search for the child, but the search was fruitless I would love to see that diving team Garden hoses and bags

I'm picturing a Diving team, you know like a lot of rivers in India are incredibly muddy and full of all kinds of trash and show How are you gonna it's like feeling around and you're probably going to grab a crocodile wrong body. I'm saying oh yeah yeah when I saw that the divers were sent to save the child like all of them if I was on this time ET I'm going okay so there's a disabled toddler with crocodiles like it might be too late guys I don't know how to do it Go back to the shore and see anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's dead. I got a flashlight. Will that help?

That's all I got. He want. Yeah. Yeah. Well, these people have a two-year-old child and they were just really annoyed by this six-year-old because the kid didn't talk, nonverbal, didn't communicate. He was born deaf and mute, which one of those things is pretty good. That's like a dream child for some people.

Depends if it's a boy or a girl, you know? If it's a boy, you'd want to be born deaf. If it's a girl, you'd want it to be born mute, right? It was non-binary. That's a perfect joke. So the cops go to the house because the people saw her throw the child in. They weren't really discreet about it

She did it like a football. She's got a nice spiral on it through the kid into this lake comes back home The police show up and she immediately throws her husband under the bus. She says that she let the son die He used to keep saying let him die. Let him die. All he does is eat Just let him just let him die as you go. I'd say no just leave the kid alone, but he was like no you got to kill the problem with children You got to feed him every day. Yeah, it's too much sometimes. She's literally is blaming him for everything She says my husband is responsible. He used to keep saying let the kid die and how much torture can my son endure? And then she added when will anyone feel my pain here? Yeah, she's the victim. She's learning from Americans. So they ended up finding the kid full of bite marks, missing a hand.

And this lead the police to believe that he had been mauled to death by one or more crocodiles. I'm surprised that they didn't eat more. You know what I mean? Crocodiles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they are not picky and they just, they grab and twist and pull off chunks and- I had an Indian last night.

They probably said, Mm. Well, I'll see. Yeah. Too spicy, too spicy. Yeah. Too spicy. Too spicy. So the parents are being charged with murder and maybe I've been watching too much playoff

hockey, but I would give them each an assist. Right. Yeah. But they, they, they'll count for one point. Right. I mean, you know, you get credit. Don't get me wrong. Without you, we couldn't have made this happen.

Right. But I don't know if they're the murderers or the crocodiles that was eating the kids. Give me each an assist. How does the news work in India? How do they source their stories? You know, like getting a disabled kid getting eaten by a crocodile or fed to a crocodile

or his parents would probably last us 40 years here, but in India it's every couple of minutes they have some Train comes by every minute and cuts off people's legs That's how you say that dick on the creep off we read stories from India all the time Oh, yeah, it's always throwing babies down wells and Murdering their daughter for getting raped, you know, I can the murder. Yeah the honor killings crazy shit. They're constantly getting rid of their children. They're murdering their daughter for getting raped. You know, like the murder, yeah, the honor killings and shit. I think you're right about that.

But dad, I tripped. I don't think there's a 2020 in India that's just like breaking this down. There's like, yeah, it happens. True crime isn't a thing there. It's a way of life. Yeah, podcast industry is not doing as well in India as it is in the US. They have like a first class civilization that already imported a bunch of immigrants. The way it's set up over there. Right?

Because they have all these like, you know, they have people who don't do this kind of stuff there too. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. That's a good point. Right. You should pay with that. There's 1.4 billion people that everyone's murdering their baby with crocodiles. Yes Billion people

I mean a lot of them. Yeah But not all My point. Yeah, so those are the stories I brought for you guys. Thanks for having us. Yeah, those are pretty good Did you see the the guy that was taping phones to toilets in the airplanes? We absolutely did that story last week on the creep off. It's never a good idea to tape the cell phone directly under the seat. Well, what's funny about that story is the guy got away with it with three other children. But this one was a 14 year old who had her own phone. So she knew what was going on. Yeah, he got a little too greedy.

He should have asked. So you don't have a phone, do you? Do you know what a phone looks like? Have you ever seen? Yeah. Have you been seen? Yeah. Have you been alive for longer than three minutes? Like half? Okay.

Do you guys think he left the light on on purpose or that that was an accident and he didn't have enough time to turn it off? We saw the light was on on his phone. I think she lifted the lid or something and the light turned on. The light turned on. Oh, I wanted to complain for Apple. He told her that the toilet was broken, so I'm fixing it by taping my iPad to it. It's like the Grinch?

It should be fixed by the time you leave. The light, he didn't have enough room to get a fucking C-stand with the light on it, you know, bounce the light properly. Oh, you gotta piss, I'm in the middle of fixing this toilet, I'm just gonna leave my light, my helmet in there, my equipment and stuff. You can go. Don't be shy. I mean, yeah. Christ.

But take your time still. I don't want to rush you. Right, right. I like to think that like his mom called or something and the phone just started ringing under there. That's all that. Ah! That's funny.

You forgot to turn airplane mode on. You really fucked me this time, Mom! Well, the worst part about that story is they found AI child porn on his phone and all those artificial children were raped apparently, which is awful to think about. We already have like real children that that's happening to no one safe. No, no, no computers are safe. No.

Oh man, that's rough. The creep off.com. We are live on YouTube every Monday at 1pm Eastern. You can watch the creep off with that with me and Vinnie Paulino and that's good. We do is a true crime show for men. The only true crime show for men there is. Yep. And you just caught a vibe of what we're about. Pretty fucking hate is shit. This is what we do. Did you guys, did either of you see Vito's, most recent Vito's booty, where he went on like a 30 minute rant

about how eating is the only thing that is important to him in life and that he's not ever gonna lose weight. If he loses one pound, he's elated and like celebrating his happy, if he gains, this is all over a matter of gaining one pound. Yeah, then it was like You guys I don't I don't you don't know me. I don't you don't I don't owe you anything I'm gonna eat spaghetti by the handful until I'm dead. Did you guys happen to catch that? I

Stopped watching veto because I want to like him. Are you telling me that that bathtub? Oh, I think he was telling me about that shit he was mixing himself didn't work? Taking it because it was working Yeah, so so tell me about this dick what's his latest issue with food That was pretty much it he gave a fat bastard speech, but in a different accent Turned into John Candy. I like me. Yeah, right. My spaghetti bowl likes me. My dead wife likes me Oh, he didn't say yeah, yeah Good for you Vito. We'll hit up a couple buffets in Vegas. Oh, yeah, I'm looking forward to Vegas Hacker mania. I see you guys there

Look at you guys. Thanks Yeah, see you. Thank you. Oh Man disgusting. I like those Thanks for having us on today. See ya. Yeah, see ya. Thank you. Oh man. How disgusting. I like those, you know, the premise for that show is fun. I hope one of those guys gets caught being like a massive criminal or something. Who? One of those two.

Really? Yeah. Turned out that Vinny had like, you know, dead bodies and stuff in his basement freezer. Yeah. He's got like hidden cameras all over the world. Every comedy tour he goes on, he's hiding toilet cameras in them, you know? He's the most prolific toilet camera guy that ever lived.

You know, there's some things, even though they're like they're heinous, possibly depressing, you know, barbaric, there are some things that you just, you go, wow, I really underestimated that guy. Yeah. Like it's impressive. It's like, wow, that guy,

I wouldn't think that one guy would be capable of that shit. So that's what he was doing, right? That's what you'd say. Here's a, I should have played this for him. Okay. Here's the latest craze. They got tired of punching women in New York. Rrrr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r New York I've always wanted to do that with a belt. Yeah, make a loop out of it

Not I'm not necessarily thrown around someone's head, but you know yeah, you have a little belt when you take your belt off sometimes It's like that. Oh awesome. It's a lasso. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder if it would work to like, you know Do Jackie Chan shit? I guess it does work. Set it around their head and then pull it. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty good toss too. Pretty good toss. He's been practicing that.

And this guy doesn't look like this would be on a dare or something, you know? Oh no, he's some sort of a murderer. No, some sort of nut job. Yeah, like. Serious breakfast. Yeah. Yeah. He's wearing an entire bib for a mask instead of just a little COVID mask.

He wants to be able to get her unconscious, I would think, you know? It's not like, hey, this'll be funny. Oh, no, no, he's not joking around. She passed out already? She passed out right away? She absolutely could. It does not take long, man, with you.

Really? Not long at all. Way less time than you think. think you have a plan for that If that's something like that happens to you Reach back real quick. Well, yeah, I get it. Yeah, I mean run back right shove back I don't have a plan for all these eventualities It's dude. It's if somebody really gets a lock in there deep those car keys But you're not gonna have not much you can there? There's not much you can do.

That's not gonna help you out there. Girls need some kind of a new hand. If you really get taken by surprise. They should all be walking around like this now. Yeah, you mean like so they got a cat with their hands up. Yeah, like this. Or just like so they cover their eyes too.

Yes, yes, yes. That's what women should all be walking around like this now in New York. They need razor blades that stick out from their collars. Their neck. Goth collars. Um, cool. All right. Yeah. Damn.

Wonder what happened to her. They, uh, rustled her. Sold her to a horse. They sold her to Culver's. What's Culver's? A, uh, fast food steak place in the Midwest. Oh, really? I don't know Culvers. Okay.

Let's see if I got any other ones. Gay couple sues over not getting IVF treatments. Okay, well that's, you know, they're right. Okay. It's good for them. Gay couple sues New York leaders over denial of in vitro. Yeah, well. couple sues New York leaders over denial of IV in vitro yeah well they wanted to help getting shooting semen in the butt I guess that's for now it does say the

state's definition of infertility discriminates against same-sex couples well probably gay guys, yeah. Former New York assistant district attorney and his husband. Oh, he's a... Oh, that's cool. So he was in charge of crime and law and crime in New York. And now he's suing New York because him and his little buddy there can't do IVF. That's cool. Yeah. File the class action lawsuit against New York. That's what they want. They want IVF. That's cool.

Yeah. File the class action motion against the UR. That's what I want. They want IVF and then obviously get a surrogate, right? I mean, it's not actually going in the butt. Right? I mean, I'm hoping that, yeah. It's a two for one.

Two for one type situation. I'm hoping this case makes it longer than five minutes, you know? Man, oh man. 2038. Man, I'm seeing, I started seeing a lot of retarded news about people younger than me. That's crazy.

Never thought I'd see the day. I thought it was an old people thing. Surely I thought young people were all smarter than old people. This is gonna die out, all these dumb ideas that they have. I remember- Okay guys, Sue over getting semen in the butt denied to them. 35! Wow! Yeah, you know it was weird, it was it was weird when I realized that basically every professional athlete on earth

is younger than me now. Because it's very rare you get a Jamie Moyer who pitched at 50 or Bernard Hopkins who fought at 50. You know, that's very, very rare. So it's like, wow. City leaders in a landmark case for the rights of gay men who want to conceive children in the US. Yeah. Man, I was with you gay guys right up until now. Corey Briskin and Nicholas Magapinto.

Yeah, if it was spelled phonetically, you wouldn't have paused. Yeah. She would have said chocolate or something. She didn't even look down. I know. Oh yeah, these are all totally reasonable names. She didn't even look down. I know. Oh yeah, these are all totally reasonable names. Fongding Blarkus, Megal Mog, Fing Digler.

What are you, announcing an alien graduation? Shlong and Poon. Snork, Fingledonk. Withernator. Yeah. He began working for the city of New York in 2017. That was a good hire. Good job.

Not yet. Year after his gay marriage to Magga Pinto, he and his spouse were entitled to health care with a little bit of semen squirting. Oh no. Uh... Ah ah ah ah ah ah. Do we get to draw the line? Is it possible to draw the line at the inseminating women and then taking the kids away?

I don't know. I don't know if it's, I don't know if we can. I think lines are, it's too late for lines. Too late for lines, right? Too late for lines, that's my platform. Too late for lines. Yeah. Is that your alb-, is that your comedy album?

Too late for lines. Too late for lines, yeah. That's actually not too bad. No, it's not. Yeah. Um, this was a funny one. Oh, this cop one is fucked, man. Okay, here's an AI guy.

He's an expert, right? He's an AI. An AI, yeah. He says, the question was, what workplace experience radicalized you? He says, I spoke at the UN in an event called AI risk. All these idiots are all hopped up on people making it AI. Need to say that AI is like dangerous so that they make it sound more powerful than it is, so they get more money. So they got him to do this. They neutered my presentation by taking out

the AI generated propaganda stuff because it might offend China. Sure. Like a black man on a Star Wars poster, it had to go. Yeah. The rest of the event was no joke, 80% presentations about how the biggest AI risk is white men writing the AI. Yeah. Oh, right. Okay, there you go.

Very important. Wow. Very important that we not have too many white men working. We gotta have them idly sitting around thinking about... thinking about how to apologize more better. A cop shoots a guy for answering the door... with his gun. This is crazy, because I've answered the door with a gun. Not this brandishingly.

I like to try to hide it behind the door, but there's been, the riots were here, you know, crazy people around every once in a while. We had an arsonist going through the neighborhood at one point, so. Yeah, well, I remember that that there's break-ins. Crime do climb. It does. It does. A half of evolution.

You got climbing ropes coming up squatters around, you know, Yeah, every once in a while. It's not a regular thing. I wouldn't think so. But you know, down down down the hill, it's around. So there's going to be, you know, it's like evolution. You have something there. You get a genetic mutation that allows for this and all the time that starts to flourish be selected Or it's they're gonna need the taste of climbing. Yeah, okay. This is oops. Sorry. I got it down

Yeah, go for it Go for it. And I was hearing someone yell, shut the fuck up with your stupid B word. Your stupid B word, someone was screaming. So it's a domestic violence thing. Yeah, shut the fuck up and you stupid B word. Did she bleep out B word, but she said fuck? Well, she, she, she self-censored, right?

Yeah, but she censored the B word. No, I know. It's because it gets so programmed Yeah, you know to that stuff Okay, so this guy's just amblin around Okay, just hit number four sure And I'm gonna go ahead and go up there and you know, yeah, go lay down the law. Yeah, you worry about. Okay.

Walking through the apartment complex this guy. Oh, this must be the one. Sure. Don't tell me it's a wrong place. I don't know. I think it might be. Okay. Post up here, weirdly. Weirdly hanging out outside the door. He's listening, probably. Hitting the door and standing outside of the range of the peephole, if you'll notice. Yeah, sure.

Yep. I don't have him to see me. Right. Aren't you... Under what circumstance are you supposed to identify yourself? As a cop? Yeah. I don't know, honestly. Like you always say, you know, if you're a cop, you have to, you know, open up police and then like to... They bash the door down because they know...

Anybody can say they're a fucking cop. That's true too. So, yeah. But I they know they're a fucking cop. That's true, too. So yeah But I mean they're supposed to do the right thing, right? You just said I'm police open the door. Okay. Yeah Okay, so he's doing it. Hahahaha! Damn! Hahahaha! How did he, uh, how did he have time to see what was...

Hahahaha! Did the guy have a gun? It was open, yeah, he was holding a gun. He was holding a gun, so I mean, that's pretty quick to see it and identify it, I guess. Uh huh. Yeah, open the... go ahead and it and identify it, I guess. Sure is on the door with a gun! Uh-huh. Go ahead and come on out to the door here. Oh, I guess you could have...

Yeah, he could have seen it, but no drop the gun? Clearly his arm wasn't... No drop the gun, no... Oh, you're in your house? Yeah, you can have a gun. You're allowed to open the door with a gun, obviously. It's your house. You have no, yeah.

I don't even know who you are. Right. I'm just a cop who knocked on the door. Yeah. Yikes. Yikes. Woo! They trained, do they train to get them like that? Now, I get- Is there a condition

where they're not this effective? I get that that situation could escalate quickly. Beyond death? But not depend, well, how it ends up, but not depending, I mean, that would mean, like if that guy answered the door, raised his arm, all bets are off. Yeah, you know, it's funny, he managed to avoid the peephole,

but when the gun comes out, just no way to avoid this. I was... Okay. A Florida police raid. Oh, it's the wrong home. Oh, okay. Oh, it was a black airman. Oh, wow, man. Wait, this is the same story?

Yeah. And they fucking, it was the wrong home? Wrong house. So he probably has it because he knows there's fucking crazy activity in the area. Well, he's in the military so he's Better more better equipped than a cop with the gun, right? But the cops defense is sir. He was black

You know the last time the cops killed a black guy we had like we burned a couple cities down remember that I don't know if they're gonna is this one Yeah, I have the same profile look does he it was so fucking pixelated like Is that what they're fucking can't it was this like all you know res to shit because I don't know Is this really what their shit fucking films? Oh? Yeah, do you think they got a downgrade bad that is yeah? It's fucking terrible. That's bad, and then let's see I got this one, too Here's a bunch another one. This is the well, then I got a bunch of them just avoiding they all avoid the the cameras and people's

Oh, yeah, okay. See look. This is what this is what was on the camera See what you think about this yeah this was the This is what was on the camera. See what you think about this. This was the weapon drawn on this kid. Just holding it, not even finger on the trigger. Holding the gun like this. You would think if you dropped the gun, you would say before, I mean I would think in a perfect world.

Give them a chance, you know. Yeah, give them a chance to be like, oh shit, you are a before, I mean, I would think in a perfect world. Give him a chance, you know. Yeah, give him a chance to be like, oh shit, you are a cop, you know, or whatever. But then at the same time, if there's weirdness going on, if he's a bunch of fucking violence and shit, like you don't fucking, well, you don't just do what he tells you. Don't go knock on the door.

Send them an email. Hey, lady, the B word lady, can you send that guy an email and say that I'm the police, and you know, to not answer the door with a gun or anything like that? Yeah, I'll do that. Officer Ben says the deputy was at the correct address, knocked and announced loudly. Oh, the address was fine! Correct address! Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Okay, so...

He was at the correct address! So it was the house where shit was going in? I don't know. On? So it was the correct address. So it was the house where shit was going in. I don't know And announced loudly Roger Forstin knew a police officer was knocking and he still came to the door with a gun if the deputy Hesitated he could have been killed. This is why Officer Ben a real cop. This is why we have that little amendment officer Ben So you guys who all you guys who mostly do think that that's fine to just blow people away

Because they happen to be holding a fucking gun So you can't just go do that all the time because eventually somebody will tap you first Yeah, that's what the amendments for officer because eventually you're gonna get got fucking first because all we know There's no stopping you guys from doing it. We know there's no fucking stopping cops from going door-to-door Blasting people away for having guns in their own fucking house The Second Amendment is to guarantee that eventually you guys get fucking blasted first You can argue your way around you can't argue your way around that Blah blah blah a bunch of word sell bullshit. All right Okay Rough times. Zane, I gotta read it on the screen. I hate reading it on the fucking screen. Zane Parker says, the paper problem, hey Dick and Sean, Goldilocks here,

I probably shouldn't have said his name. I just heard the cold open for the new show and wanted to say that the reason paper quality has gone down Oh is because they haven't worst Worst is they haven't figured out a way to recycle it effectively. Yeah, no shit I work in a paper mill and we make basic paper Yeah based products toilet paper towels packaging is just so thin It's so thin and so flimsy feels crappy Serial boxes just distort and they blow out the glue seams and the bag falls through.

Even the cases we use for packaging is worse because even the cases we use for packaging is worse because they tell us it's cheaper to buy new pulp to make paper than it is to recycle it. But in doing so, they decrease the amount of actual fiber in the process in order to save money. It's cheaper to buy new pulp. Okay.

So now all the paper is thin and shitty in order for them to make more money. They claim the customer can't tell the difference and approve of the materials before shipping, but if someone who makes the product... That is the end result to make more money, period. That is the final answer to everything more money. Period. That is the final answer to everything. Why? Why is this? Why don't I get that? Why is that money? Period. Too long didn't read the papers thinner and shittier to save money. Yeah. They can hide behind a cause for it, but it's money at the end of the day. Chris Primer, I'm in the middle of the episode,

but I need to write this before I forget. The Biden economic advisors education is music theory. That's the guy that couldn't explain what the print that we can't print our way out of great that we can never go bankrupt. Great music theory. All right. Well, very good. Cool. Joseph is the A's probably have the worst broadcast in history. Alright, let's see. Oh, that wasn't A's... Yeah, so they have a woman announcer now all the time? Maybe so. Yeah, the A's are just... And that... the A's franchise has a bunch of World Series.

They've got like 11 World Series or some shit like that. They're always doing this shit though. Uh... Okay, let's hear it. Yeah, got like 11 World Series or some shit like that Okay, let's hear it Okay, oh yeah, I hear it yeah, I hear it it makes my fucking teeth yeah, you played water Yeah, it was the A's the last time we played it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Let's see here. Should she have any catchphrases? Do you think? And I'm on my period! Fuck me!

God. Without looking. I don't know that she has any catchphrases. You think she should have some catchphrases. Right? Yeah, I mean... Every day is boob day here at A's Stadium. This hair's in the crack of my ass. Everyone probably better than what she's been saying. Mother's is for Dog Moms 2! Oh boy. Right? For a home run.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, good. Nice Girls Don't Make History. That one's probably a little cliche. Oh, gotcha, right.

Oh, you like herstory? Is that what you're gonna? Yeah, herstory. Making herstory this season. All right, let's hear it. Well, hello. Okay. Making her story this season. All right, let's hear it Hello, okay bombs away for Brent Rooker Man when he gets a hold of on he sends it a long ways

Wow Well, hello. Taking my top off. Big flopping titties, right? That's what she should be saying. So when he gets a hold of one is more like the when he gets a hold of them or them or what did she say? I said something weird. Say it again. Way for Brent Rooker.

It's a long ways. Man, when he gets a hold of on, he sends it a long ways. Okay. Okay. You know what, maybe I'll start listening to the A's games now. If this is the announcer, this might be kind of fun. I agree.

Right? Yeah, I agree. But I'm a little concerned that it won't be awful enough often enough Yeah, you know you have to obviously there's gold yeah But you know it would be I think it would be a real a real slog to Say the whole thing yeah, and to pull out like you know you know yeah five to ten soundbites I'll give it a shot. Okay. I wasn't even gonna pull sound bites. I was just thinking for my own amusement I don't know. I don't know. That's pretty good. That sounds like a waste of time. Here's another

Mormon gets out of a car to argue with her husband That's where you want to have a fight in a tiger safari Well, you I mean if I'm gonna have a fight it I would prefer it to be in a tiger safari cuz you know Who's getting out of the car Oh, man, I'm being a real jerk. You better get out of the car and storm out of here, right? Oh, what no what though? I'm why I'll walk home. Yeah, let me get my camera Let me out of the car just so everybody watching sees that I'm not pushing her out of the car at all Yeah, right hands up. Okay

There she is getting pissed off. Yeah stomping around. Hey get back in the car there's Bengal tigers out there. Oh is there one coming? Oh no the tigers got her! Oh my god! Oh wow! He gets a guy in the back seat to come out. Oh no! Let's see that again. Oh, how dare you say that to me!

Stupid. I think it's because they're on a paved road. Come out in here and fight me like a man! She turned her back on it. That is a trigger of prey response. Like, this fucking thing cannot see me. I've got my keys in my... Oh Jesus!

I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Did it kill her? I don't know. You know what? I don't know. You know what? That's just something like how am I, there's so much horrible shit going on in the world

how am I supposed to feel bad about that? Sorry that's just one less moron. Yeah that's like the reverse of the blow fight. I wish that would happen more often. People go to fucking Yellowstone and want to take selfies with bison calves, you know? Or something.

Or they charge them. The fuck do you think the mom's gonna do? Okay, 4ButtonSol says, Sean's fruit corner. Hey, Dick and Sean, heard you're strawberry. Heard you're strawberry problem in the last week's show. I picked up strawberry, a strawberry tip from a woman. They know food best. Uh, give the... I'm all ears.

Poonet? What the... What? Is that what that little... He's way more... Green thing's called? He's way more advanced than I am. Give a Poonet a little shake. Give your Poonet a little shake. What is that that you're saying?

And take a sniff through one of the air holes? That gay stuff that you're saying? Oh, wait a minute. Is that the... The little light basket over fruit and vegetables. That's the little green thing. Okay. It's called the poonit. Don't be using these kinds of words with me.

Is he talking about the lid that has holes in it? Or, you know, whatever. Like if it's enclosed. I guess, anything that, well, the definition's anything that a small light basket- Contains fruit or vegetables. Fine, okay. Wow, never heard that word.

Did him and his pals talk to each other like this? I'm kind of impressed that there's a word for basket. Hey boys, bring your poonits down to the bar tonight. Okay. Let's give our strawberries a shake. Wow. What the fuck? Sweeter to smell, yeah, okay, well I mean. A poonit?

All right. Why don't you say a basket, little basket. Whatever. Okay. Okay. Why don't you say a basket, little basket. Whatever. Okay. Okay. Give it a shake. Take a sniff through one of the air holes.

The sweeter the smell, the sweeter the strawberry. Okay, it makes sense. Okay. That does make sense. Usually tips are opposite of what you think though. I don't think that. Usually it's like shake the poonit and if it stinks, then they're good strawberries.

A tip isn't like if it smells good, it's good. I don't think that's really gonna matter with buying grocery store strawberries. I don't think there's a difference. I think they're all mediocre at best because of the way that they grow them and harvest them. Oh really? Yeah.

I just get it on like Amazon. Amazon strawberries? Yeah, I'm gonna instruct them to shake the punnet next time. Hey, give the punnet a shake. That's what the five bucks is for. You're gonna get some more. Well, certainly some stuff.

Charlie Chan, give the fucking punnet a shake when you're getting my strawberries, all right? You're gonna get more than you bargained for. You're gonna get, the FBI's gonna investigate Amazon and they're gonna find out what's on your strawberries. Bro, now that I know the FBI has a food fucking with department, I'm gonna fuck with waiters on purpose.

Oh boy, yeah. Hey gay boy. Yeah. Just so you know, I'm with the FBI Food Fucking With Division. I got them on speed dial. Yeah. So you're on fucking note. I had no idea the FBI had our back on this.

Yeah. Maybe I should change careers. Right. Get in the food fucking with. That probably doesn't exist. The venue's probably full of... That probably doesn't exist. Venue's probably full of shit. I don't know. I mean, I'm just, you know...

He wouldn't lie about food, though. What do you... Well, okay, now I know they have been involved in seafood fraud. Mmm. Because that's a huge one in the restaurant business. Why? Because people don't know what the fish looks like. Like, Red Snapper is one of the most- Frauded fish?

Yes. There are many, many places where they go in and check it out and you are not getting red snapper. Oh, I don't even know. You're getting something else. Well, that's the point. I don't even know how to like taste the fish. That's why they do it.

Yeah, that's why they do it. But I do hate those people who shit on lobsters, saying that they're insects. Oh, like sea bars or whatever. Like, yeah, I mean, whatever. They're notbsters, saying that they're insects. Oh, like sea bars or whatever. Like, yeah, I mean, whatever. They're not. Well, no, they're not. They're delicious.

I mean, I guess they're arthropods, technically, I think, right? That's, yeah. They're definitely not insects. Not insects, and they're good. People think you're not outsmarting that they're good. You're not cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I prefer king crab to lobster myself, but that's me. I don't hate lobster. With the legs? Yes. I don't know. Lobster's got those big claws. They do, but king crab are huge. The meat is super sweet.

Let's go get some. I didn't get enough food for dinner. I'll be honest with you. That's what I'm talking about. What happens to you? Cracker Oats says, Netanyahu's plan for Gaza is $500 billion in resources after the depopulation process.

Depopulation, that's a fancy word for, I don't know, man. Do you see that in a moment of silence for a Holocaust remembrance and for, No, I have. While they were bombing, right before they bombed Ra'afah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if they paused it, they start the moment of silence after the bombs hit, or... That commemorates the moment of silence. Did they start it like, okay, as soon as these bombs hit in Rafa, we're going to start a moment of silence for genocide remembrance. Okay. Do we start, should we time the next bombs so they impact when the moment of silence is over? Do we have to wait for the moment of silence to shoot them? I don't know, but their PR fumbles in this whole thing are amazing. It's because the Israeli government's evil. That's why. That's why their PR is suddenly failing.

Oh shit! Everybody can see what we're doing! Why isn't ourR working? Everyone's seeing what you're doing. That's why. The plan lays out a three-step program for returning Gaza to self-governance and eventually reintegrating Gaza into the regional economy. Oh that's nice. You're gonna let them... you're gonna knock down the walls so they can bring food in there and stuff? That's cool. Well I mean is there a plan for taking Gaza over? Yes. Yes It's in the Jerusalem pose. Yeah. Yeah, look at this shit. They made an AI of what it's like when they wipe out Gaza If we could get rid of all these we get rid of these goddamn Palestinians. Look at this We're gonna have hydrogen tanks over here ships off the fucking coast. so many trains. Oh man. We're taking back trains

We're gonna have some I just got that My god, I have some kind of a sports ball stadium for when yeah American dignitaries come in we could pretend to play soccer is nothing, you know, a Calvin ball, whatever word they're doing I think Israel's a pretty big soccer country, isn't it? Uh, probably, I don't know. Are they good at it? Oh, I don't know. Uh, called Gaza an Iranian outpost.

Oh, okay. Well, that looks cool. Can't wait to, uh, can't wait to visit. Yeah. My God. to visit. Far right, Israelis are smashing up all the food. Israel's right-wing activists blocked aid trucks which were on their way to Gaza today. So they smashed, look at them smashing all their stuff. But they had to say far right. It couldn't just be these fucking assholes. Like these Trump-related people were smashing up, you know, far right. Like, yeah, I don I don't you know far right. I'm sure they I'm sure it ranges

I'm sure it ranges like it does in a lot of countries But yeah, it doesn't seem like it doesn't seem like most I think I believe that most Israeli people probably just want to go about their Lives, they're not they don't have time for this kind of over Yeah, I'm sure I'm sure you know, oh no Half went over, half acted shit over. Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure. Oh no, Assad took it offline. So yeah, to me, it seems like the government is the most extreme of Israel.

And you've got probably some of these groups that are kind of in the minority that will take matters into, they just say, fuck this, oh, hi, Matty. Fuck this food, I'm gonna smash the shit out of this food. I hate food. Jesus Christ. Oh, this one was pretty good. Bill Maher's coming around.

He's always good for a... Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Let's hear it. Some of us did! Some of us did, Billy Boy. Some mistakes were inevitable, but four years on, I'm tired of hearing, well, we didn't know. No, we didn't, but some people guessed better than others. Oh!

What's he talking about specifically? All of it? Like the lab or what? Could've very easily come from a lab. Yeah. Yeah. Could've very easily come from a lab. Yeah. Yeah. Could have very easily, yeah. And the people who got it wrong don't seem to want to acknowledge that now.

Some people said closing schools for so long was pointless and would cause much worse collateral damage to kids and they were right. That was a guess though. We guessed right. Well, some people... You know, that's retarded. Don't close schools. Ah, you...

Those guys, those dumb guys guessed right. There's a lot of medical, the study in the medical world, just on the cost of human suffering as it relates to COVID. And because I brought that up, I don't know if I brought it up on the show, but there's, you know, there's always things

that you don't normally just think of, but how many people there, it's a non-zero number, I'm sure, how many people don't have somebody else to go, hey, you know, that thing on your back looks funny. I don't remember it looking like that because they haven't seen a doctor in person and they just go, hey, now I don't, and years on, even though people are doing in-office visits,

now it's like, hey, we'll just keep up with the telehealth thing. Like it's like, hey, we'll just keep up with the telehealth thing. I fucking hate those, man. Your doctor needs to fucking see you. I have been, I have hung up on every teledoc I've ever had. Oh, really? They will never give you anything. They need to take your blood pressure.

Shit happens. Hey, don't look. Does that thing always bulge like that? Like, is your fucking thyroid okay? You know what I mean? Dude, people don't feel pressured to give you anything when you're on it... when you're looking at them on a screen. If you're with a doctor in person, you can get across, like, look, man, I just... Can you just give me a steroid or something? Can you give me a little bit of something? Like, I need to get this thing done. But over the phone, it's just like, whoop. Oh, yeah, well. Uh-huh. Well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it takes my proof. And I'm like, if you, can you put a little thing in my note that says, if you tell me to take ibuprofen again, like I'm a fucking child, it's gonna be 9-11 times 100 billion. I'm gonna fucking explode and I'm taking half the planet with me. My doctor- Literally explode.

My doctor who's very well connected with the state medical board and stuff and it's been on advisory committees and all that kind of stuff. And he does not think, does not think a whole lot of Fauci. And since the, cause remember Fauci has been there since the, I think, I think it was appointed by Reagan. He's been there since, since the eighties. And he said, he's, when you get to that level,

he is a politician. He was one, if you go back and you look, he was completely, was like, HIV AIDS, it's not a thing. It's not, I mean, it's a thing, but it's like, you don't have to fucking worry about it. And then there was a doctor who I can't, and I wish I could remember the guy's name, who was like, no, this is potentially a problem.

This is a, and then once it became politically advantageous to do so, out comes Fauci with, so it's really, you know, guys not a doctor first, which is why, when I see people talk on TV, if they have, you even got to vet shit, you would hope you wouldn't have to, but you got to vet shit you would hope you wouldn't have to but you got a vet shit Better than that. Yeah

No No system has a guy that openly drinks one beer while driving home from work No system has that level of checks in it, which is it'll be fine Probably fine. It's all outdoing each other. At every level in every corporation, every single person is incentivized to be a little bit more worried than everybody else. And nobody can say, I can drink a beer in the car.

It's fine. One, it's fine. They're like, what are you talking about? You shouldn't even be driving. You should be, you have to buckle up and then wait to you get your blood pressure down and then someone else chimes in well Actually, what if I take control of the car wheel I can get yeah You gotta have you should have your daytime running lights on I'm pretty sure I could drive home with one beer I'm pretty sure I have one fucking beer drive. No, no, no, no level does that exist?

Yeah Christ Thank you Yeah, Christ. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, thanks. Mr. Steve Bannon-Wool administration admits there's at least a 50-50 chance that the virus could have begun in the lab in- Yeah, we all know that. All right. Yeah, could have.

Yeah. So satisfying to know that everybody guessed right, luckily. Luckily. Burples. To answer your question, there is a timer. There is a timer counting down until less than 50% of America is white. This is on TDS and it's, oh, I think there's a Nazi show that has the same initials as us. Oh God, really?

I mean, there's a lot of TDS phrases, but I think that's what he means there It's not got it. Not the dick show You don't have a secret white counter. Do you you can't see it? Yeah Yeah, something else would choose that's about orthodox shoes. I love that show Sean Eric July new video Yeah, you are a reminder to yourself. Oh Yeah, yeah, that was from somebody. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was from somebody else. Yeah. This is a comment. Shannon says, I felt like I was on the spot when you were

talking to Riley about being tall and fat. I'm six, four and overweight. I work as a chef, so having access to free food all the time makes it hard. Going to ditch the calories and hit the bike every day. How are you doing, Shannon? I got to check in with Riley too and see how Riley too and see how he's doing. is he trying to lose weight? He's like who's supposed to be you better be okay? Joseph woman alert another amazing call. Oh is this another one? Mmm. Oh, I like I like if people are sending these in that Oh I like if people are sending these in. And... Hudding Bell. Oh, yes, it's a different one.

Is it? Bro. I need total A's announcer coverage. There seems to be something there. Yeah, there's something here, all right. We're going to watch this? Yeah. How do I make a figure?

Let me guess. It was a home run, I would guess. What an absolutely electric broadcast call from Brent Rooker's homerun it says. All right, let's see here. Should be exciting. Baseball. Yeah. God damn you, Instagram. First time around. That's launched towards left field and heading. Oh, heading as a homerun that just caught inside the foul pole and Brent Rooker has himself a homer. I've seen announcers fuck that up before. I've seen announcers fuck that up before.

But she called that pretty early where it was just like, yeah, it's hooking, you know, because the ball spins, right? It's clearly hooking foul you know, because the ball spins, right? It's, yeah, clearly hooking foul, like, eh, no. Okay, MAGA feminist, did you see this? Kristi Nohm says- No, Leninist? MAGA Leninist. Kristi Nohm, who told a bizarre dog story about shooting her dog, suggests that Biden's bitey dog commander

should have also been shot. Okay. Right. Can you just go away, please? The dog did, the dog bit a few people. Yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Right. Can you just go away please? That Doc did, that Doc bit a few people. Yeah. You know? Uh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're right. They had to send it to his house or so. He had to put it out in the country. Who knows? Probably did shoot it. Yeah, probably. Sent it to Iraq. Yeah. Uh, okay. Women are fatter than men everywhere. Are we already at this part of the show? Isn't that how it starts?

Do you know what- I don't think you ever did an intro, did you? Did I not? I don't think so. Oh no! I don't remember it. Oh no. You're right. Hilarious. Remember it? Oh no. You're right.

Hilarious. Yeah! Sean is a contest committee live from Mountain Bluff, a deep and hardy city of gallery music, managing the 80s and the 20s, and our man! Joining me is always world touring LA based comedian Sean the Audio Engineer. That's what felt off. Good night everybody.

It's the fucking 6 o'clock shows. Male and female and male obesity rates. We did it. Perfect record intact. I believe there's been an intro in every episode. Oh. Obesity rates by country and by... And by... By sex.

By sex. By gender, by biological... Definitely sex. Yeah, OK. God, I got some Maddox is lippin' off to J.K. Rowling too. Maddox is going to shut down shorts. Sports. Egypt. OK, so Egypt is at the fattest.

Well, the fattest women. Wow. Wow. That's why they built... They got to trap them in those pyramids. Egypt, okay, so Egypt is at the fattest. Well, the fattest women. Oh wow. Wow. That's why they built, they gotta trap them in those pyramids. Wait, wait, wait. Both, look, both 45% fat. Saudi Arabia.

Men are 30% fat and women are 60% fat in Egypt. Man. So if you flip a coin. Based on BMI. Look to your left. If she's not fat, you are. In Egypt. Yeah. Oh, God! One of you will not survive.

Poor guys. Man. Look at South Africa. Look at the difference. Look at the disparity. United States, they're about... women are fatter. Was there a lot of black men in South Africa? I mean, obviously there are. Where are you going? I black men in South Africa? I mean, obviously there are. Where are you going? I'm going to South Africa.

I'm looking at the disparity between, look at how few of the men versus how many of the women. How much of the women percentage. Egyptian women are so fat, they're off the charts over here. I can't even fit them on the screen. Boy, that's fucking crazy. South Africa, okay.

Ooh, look, Australia's super close. So 15% of men in South Africa I knew Australian women were way hotter than American women you can grab so much They were tall and they were thinner. Yeah How much I told you I swear to God I saw a straight-up fucking Construction worker woman who were in the street with a hard hat and shit She was she was hot Really? Yep, not like her hat on not like hot for a construction work. No, you could see her fucking her figure

You can see her fit, you know, she would trust me. I've never seen that in the United States You know what the woman announcer should say what her home runs and I was wrong You know what the woman announcer should say? What? For home runs. And I was wrong! It's out of here every time. Yeah. Whoa!

Lean into it. I'm sorry. Your penis is huge! Wow, Argentina. It's been another A-boys ball game. I'm fascinated by the ones that are... Uh-oh. Close.

Poland has more men fat than women. Poland is a fucked place. Are they the only ones? No, Australia's the men are fatter, and Poland the men are fatter. Oh yeah, but look at how close. And Canada, obviously. Look at how close the UK, Australia, Canada's very close.

Russia, where the fuck are the women? In Russia, I only see a man die. US is number two, Saudi Arabia, Iraq except Iraq's women are fatter than... Oh yeah so the US gets unfairly... we're getting beat out by Saudi Arabia, Iraq and South Africa for women. We don't know how fat the men are in the US. Are we the fattest on this chart? Men, I think. Oh no, really? Oh no.

Oh yeah. It's not even close. Oh no, we are. Yeah. Okay, so men being 42% obese. Yeah. I mean, that's not surprising though, too, but. Well, a little bit.

Yeah. I always thought Saudi Arabia was fatter than us, but it's just the women. Yes. Wow. How could you? This is why there's us, but it's just the women. Yes. Wow. This is why there's so much misogyny in the Middle East. Look at how fat these women are that they got over there. South Africa, 46% women, about 14% of men.

Where? 46% versus 14%, something like that, 13 and a half percent. Yeah. What's going on? It's and a half percent, yeah. Whew. What's going on? It's like a trailer park. All of South Africa. Yeah, yeah. The toothpick dude with a 300 pound fucking broad.

Are they doing this on purpose? How does this happen? Yeah, I know, I know. Why? So Poland, they got skinny girls and fat guys. And Algeria, isn't that like the cocaine capital of the world or something like that? Algeria?

I don't know, maybe it gets traffic through there a lot or something. Yeah. Morocco, they got a bunch, ton of fat chicks, more than guys. Yeah. And then it kind of got, you'd think that they would get tighter together as you got down in fatness,

but it actually does not. Yeah. So there's just gonna it actually does not. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. So there's just to be quite a gap. Yeah. Wow, okay. China is, no way, fuck you China. They're all the way down here. Yeah, they're the-

And they're both almost as skinny as each other. Right. What is that level on the fadometer? 9% of China's- Fetometer. Fet-tometer. Uh, ooh. Is Madagascar right in the, oh, well, they're the same, I guess, right? 9% of China is? Fetometer. Fet-ometer. Is Madagascar right in the,

I'm well, they're the same, I guess, right? Madagascar, they're the same. Ethiopia and then Vietnam is the best. Vietnam you would expect to be, they're always shown as like being like skinny and stuff. I mean, I don't see too many obese, you know. No, I don't. I don't know if I've ever seen that.

That I've seen. I've never been, but. So South Korea is the best Country because it has the most good stuff, right? It's an advanced country and any yes. Hmm Yeah, like oh look at you know, Japan Wow. Oh, yeah. No there. Yeah Wow, they're just Japan have the skinniest women on earth. Look at that Look at this. I think maybe Seems pretty close. Oh, wow!

I mean, on this chart. Maybe Vietnam beats them out a little bit, but Vietnam looks like a shithole. No, it looks like Japan looks like it may. Probably a bunch of ladyboys in the Vietnam one. Skewing the results. Yeah. Yeah, I think Japan has the skinniest women in the world. How about that? I know they have an incredibly low obesity rate.

That's not news to me, but yeah. Okay. Yeah, good for us. Good for you. Good for us. Fat Watch Dave, hey, Dick. It's slow. Slow Twitch Dave here.

I wanted to share a Fat Watch story that happened to my job. I work at a call center for a government agency. Today at work, we had some foreign dignitaries from Saudi Arabia come to visit. 70% of our employees are women. When they finally left my boss was telling me how enraged they were, how engaged they were, and how strange their questions were

as he was giving them a tour of our building. What do you think he was asking? Were the fertilizers stored and what are beams are made out of? Any flight paths? He said they asked questions like, what are these walls made out of? Are they bulletproof? Kind of weird, but not the best part.

The best part came when they walked around the operations floor and got to see the women behind their desks. As they were walking around, they asked my boss, why are so many women here? Is it because they make less money than men? And why are they so fat? Wow. Huh. At this point, I openly laughed out loud

in front of my boss and two female coworkers. A little too hard at that last question. The Saudi's observation was on point. I work with a bunch of hens in a hen house, maybe hippo house. They bring days worth of snacks. You never know when you're gonna get trapped at the office and forget how to drive home.

Stanley cups and bags with God knows what for a job that involves sitting 10 to 12 hours a day. I don't think I could have kept my shit together if I'd been asked that in front of a group of men. Hearing someone make such an apt observation about the waistlines of American women warmed my heart. Go fuck yourself, smjis Fashan. Well, let's check out the chart.

Where do they fall? Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Hey, you guys women are fatter than ours. Yeah, you got not much room to talk. Maybe the whores you hang around with, the dignitaries, but you need to fix out, fix up your own home. But, okay, go back to that chart real quick. Okay. I'm going to print this out and hang it on the wall.

I'm sure. Saudi Arabia. Yeah, you don't have, they have a higher... The women are fatter. The women are fatter than our women. Ah, Saudi Arabia. Ah, ah, ah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And Iraq. Yeah. Oof.

Okay, Darren says, don't trust only the headshots. Ooh, okay. Yeah, sure. Let's see what you got. I mean, this looks like a pretty hot girl. I mean, with the filter is fucked. What is that even? Yeah, I mean, you know.

It looks like fucking Michael Jackson is what it looks like. It looks like fucking Michael Jackson. It does, it does. Yeah, I don't know, but it still looks pretty skinny. You got a skinny looking neck. Just dancing around. Alright, let's see what you got. Oh my god! Wow. Wow, that's um. That was big. Yeah, that's, that was a surprise even to me and I knew what to expect. Okay, DEI has a fat problem. Let's see what this one is. DEI's big fat problem. Okay.

Fierce.fattie? Fatty is a domain name? Yeah, right? Is it? I don't know. Fierce.fattie. No way. Fierce.fattie.

So it's.com. Oh, it's the Instagram? Yeah. Okay, it's the Instagram? Okay. Alright, yeah, it looks like about what I would expect. Bruce Valanche shave. People gotta Google Bruce Valanche, right? Yeah, not after seeing that.

TEI's big fat problem. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever had diversity, equity, and inclusion training that was focused on size inclusion or anti-fat bias? Has anti-fat bias... They really should add a T to it. Diet? Shit. Goddamn dyslexia.

Focus on... has anti-fat bias ever been a footnote in any DEI training that you've had or seen? No one would know because no one pays attention to those stupid meetings. I asked these questions to company leaders, DEI professionals in my audience, and the answer was a resounding big fat no. Uh, 69% of people said they had DEI training. Fuck, man. What a waste of time. Had DEI training and the amount, what a waste of time.

Had DEI training and the amount of those people who had training that mentioned the existence of fat asterisks, folks? What's that? Like fat, you got supplement, you were on performance enhancing fat drugs? Fat, well, an asterisk should denote that there's something at the bottom of the page

in small print that you need to look at that Qualifies that statement. Yeah, right fat star folks mention the existence of fat asterisk folks do they mean asteroid Fastroids that's right. It's that's droids And the amount of those people who had training that mentioned the existence of fat folks, 0%. We're all aware of fat people. How can you not be? According to the graph, most of the people you're giving these presentations to are fat.

Right. Why would you want to tell them? Yeah. Not a single person I asked, and it was hundreds of people, has been exposed to anything related to size diversity. This is a problem, okay? The reason why it's a problem? Many of us live in bigger bodies,

and a saddening amount of workplaces alienate and harm fat folks. I always want to say fat fucks, because they always say folks. It's hard to say. Fat fucks with policies and ways of Operating that excludes how us you know I was on boogie show Is there that? How do they exclude them? The amount of workplaces there's Chairs that are like not industrial sized wheels

Not to mention that fat people are hired, paid and promoted less than their smaller bodied counterparts. I don't think it's intentional most of the time. Although- Two asterisks. They're building up. I don't think it's intentional most of the time,

although there's certainly many people who openly admit disdain or revulsion towards higher weight people. However, the unintended consequences still occur. The most common response when I asked folks about anti-fat bias training was, that is so needed. What a wonderful idea. Really? Did you have a gun to their head? That was the most common response? Yeah, you know.

Is that? Survey said, a hundred people said, that's so needed. Something tells me that this person probably didn't,'s probably wasn't a very large sample size. I would imagine. I think the size of the sample size was part of the problem. But still employees are experiencing unwelcome and sometimes harmful attitudes in the workplace. There must be some ideal size where women are not being sexually harassed and also not breaking chairs

in the office that we could scientifically figure out. Well, okay. Yeah. We got to do this sexual harassment training because the women are just too sexy. They want to live with bears. Yeah. They're training with swinging around shower curtains. That chick was hot. That chick was hot. She's not doing anything with that baton. Yeah. And that dumb bitch that posted her believes that that will fend off thinks that girl bossing with the baton. And that dumb bitch that posted it believes that that will fend off,

thinks that girl bossing with a baton, like a fucking Marvel movie, is gonna kill a bear. Sorry, yeah. But, yeah. But then you got the other side where they gotta make stairs illegal. Gotta be a size in between there. That's like a Goldilocks zone.

Life on earth needs to be in that weight. You mean like that would be the best for them. Yeah. Because like you said- No sexual harassment. And still able to walk. Yeah. I mean, it's what we're talking about.

Exactly, exactly. The Goldilocks zone. Yeah. The most common response. Oh yeah, I already read that. Okay. Want your workplace to be weight inclusive, go to weightbiastraining.com. Oh, it's weight inclusive consulting.

Just by the numbers, I don't think there's like a choice. I mean, like chances are it's gonna be well represented. Inclusive just meaning like modifying like doorways. Who is fat according to these people? Because everyone's fat. I know, I know. Yeah, that's... Uh... Okay, here's their website. Weight inclusive consulting. There's... You know it's in the headlines a lot when there are consulting firms for said...

Yeah. ... quote unquote problem. People in larger bodies are often overlooked and marginalized population. Or and often leaders in the DEI space understand this gap. They want to tackle this. We're going to get so big they're going to have to put the DEI in outer space. I said I, you know, I said that before I thought

that all the way through. Jesus. Oh, come on. Lizzo on a laptop. Is that like Elf on a Shelf? Coming this season. Lizzo on a laptop sitting up there making sure that you're inclusive. Right on the shelf. I see your fucking ass. Shelf buckling. Is your organization legally required to protect fat fucks from discrimination Will help is that is it? Well probably

All right Uh-oh this guy's not Vinny that his name is Vinny. I don't say I trust a guy named Vinny Six or I don't take him seriously six tips to make your workplace collecting money or Unless he's collecting money or something, possibly, then I might, but... Okay, here's how to do it. Please, Vincent, you're a fucking consultant. For fuck's sake. This is by Vinnie Wesselby. Welsby. Six tips to make your workplace size inclusive. Remove posters or promotions encouraging weight loss or weight loss challenges. Put up cat posters that say, hang in there, baby.

You can't have a weight loss contest at work? So you can't even encourage it. You can have a weight loss contest if they include a treasure chest. Oh yeah, if you win a bunch of food, maybe. Yeah. Have uniforms or promotional clothing swag in an extended range of sizes.

You don't ever want to not have a size for somebody. Because it's embarrassing for them. You got to never have no end of the size. Also have in place a solution if an employee needs a larger size than what's available. So like have a bunch of spray paint. You could just spray them with a shirt and draw the logo on them if you have any swag. Check to see if the company healthcare has BMI limits. What?

That would sounds extremely illegal or requires a health screening that includes asking an employee's weight or BMI. Well, they're telling you, yeah, don't, yeah. Do healthcare plans ask you how fat you are? I'm sure that some do. Hmm. Include anti, just as include, anti-fat bias. Vinny, Vinny, Vinny. Somebody fucking proofread please. Provide armless chairs. How does that not come up in spell check for fuck's sake? Like, he doesn't care.

Spill jam on the screen. Provide armless chairs. Yeah right. Oh it must be for a bunch of acoustic guitar players. Oh no it's for giant fans. Provide armless chairs or designed for people in bigger bodies that have higher weight capacities. Make sure the chairs are not bolted down in the break room for example. Wait what? So they're not bolted down? Oh because they can't move them away from the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah It may be bolted down. I support that one. I hate bolted down shoes. Yeah Include body size as part of the project protected identities in HR policies or in the HR manual Which the company will now not allow discrimination against. Okay

Great plan Vinny Vinny Vinny. Ah Let's see here You got any more? I don't know. This is from, oh, Shannon says, check out this ass wiping brush. Okay. It's like a selfie stick.

Sort of, yeah. For somebody who's just so fat that the, oh my God. It has like grooves in it. So you stick it in the groove. And then you stick it in the groove. And then you stick it in the groove and then you stick it in the groove and then you stick it in the groove and then you reach however you want to reach and you wipe your ass and then this is like spring loaded so if you spring and you're in the toilet see how easy it comes off you have have to use your hand. Hahaha! Cause the spring like...

Yeah, we saw it! It looks amazing! ...kicks out the toilet paper. You're too lazy to do a second cut of that? So yeah, I am just sitting on the toilet fully clothed. I'm not currently pooping. Are you sure? Yeah, I have a wand... You might be! ...that I use to take...

Like a brontosaurus. Like a brontosaurus starts pooping a horse. Or like a horse. And then the poop comes out two minutes later. You know, like you're just walking and shitting, right? Like. That's a shit wand? It has like grooves in it. So you stick it in the groove.

Yeah. And then you wrap it around. Okay. And then you stick it in the groove. And then you reach however you want to reach and you wipe your ass and then this is like spring-loaded. Here we go. These things are wake-up calls. These should be wake-up calls. It's a fucking device. Yeah. I don't get any devices for

my stuff. Because you're, because things are still built basically for- more or less for you. Ass wiping brush spring loaded. Let's see. Uh, oh no. But scrubber personalizing. Toilet aid. FUNNER. Butt scratcher.

Butt scratcher. Long reach bottom buddy wiping aid. The bottom buddy. Are you fucking kidding me? Right. Got mud butt at the office? Don't you think this guy should have been a lot fatter, this picture?

Yeah. But then it would fill in, you couldn't delineate the brush from if like a stomach is out, you know what I mean? Like, so you would cut it and you'd be like, ah, I can't really see it. They should have put Frosty the Snowman sitting on the toilet. Yeah To enter from the front to wipe

Three after wiping release the paper by pressing the bottom button. I don't really trust this paper releasing mechanism It doesn't see I mean now eventually like toilet paper shred the toilet paper toilet paper like breaks I think well, here's the thing I think what they aren't telling you is that like you're gonna have to end up putting it in the water God and then wash that off in the sink and your hands Fan fan were long reach Bottom buddy wiping aid self, toilet aid for fat people. I love that they put that in the...

Bravo. Bravo. And then all these other like... And, you know, limited mobility, seniors, pregnancy. Pregnancy spelled wrong practice pregnancy pregnancy disabled arthritis surgery pregnancy pregnancy God pregnancy

Misspelled wiping aids yeah for pregnancy people are pregnancy women disabled arthritis pregnant and surgery Aids for preganassi? For fat people are preganassi women. Disabled arthritis? Preganant women. Surgery? Okay, let's see the ratings! Goddamn. Lot of five star. I can't believe, well that didn't work! Didn't.

It's still going wrong too. Uh oh. Gripping part stops working. Uh oh. Let's see what these reviews. It broke after. Well that didn't work. HAHAHAHA Gross out product doesn't work.

Says not to wash it with water. What? Just gross and doesn doesn't work. Says not to wash it with water. What? Just gross and doesn't even work. What? What do you mean? What do you mean, lady? Oh, that's not a real picture. No, it is not.

Gripping part stops working. What? The jaws hidden under the vinyl stopped working and it won't grip the toilet paper. You can't return it. Not a product they'd want to have returned, I guess. No, definitely not. Why would you want to return it? They want a greater angle. The worst thing is that it comes with a hanger that attaches to the wall.

Great. Just hang it right there, just knowing whoever else is living in the house has regularly got that thing jammed up their ass You shouldn't have like a where the plunger goes like a little kind of receptacle yeah, like you know You know away from like you're like you want to yeah, you want to turn right there. I mean, you know When was the button is awkward to press the angle should be somewhat greater. It's just a better idea than a product. It's a better idea. Take it back to the drawing board, guys. I'm going to stick with my stick that I found in the yard.

I guess, yeah. I mean, the worst thing is that it comes with a hang. It could be hung in the hanger. You just try to put the hanger in the hanger, which doesn't really fit. A little string for the handle or something. Since you can't hang it on there. For certain disabilities, the floor might as well be Mars.

You aren't gonna like this. Yeah. I'm sure that's the issue. Oh, come on, really, says this one. Found this and purchased it, hoping to help my diabetic father. I don't wanna read that one. Right, well, he, yeah, let me guess. I guess the reason he can't reach his ass is probably not the diabetes.

It's probably what caused the diabetes. I'm just guessing. It helped him with that significantly. Unless he has like some amputated fingers, in which case how's he, you know, putting it between his palms or something? You're right. The spring inside wouldn't retract to close after a few wipes so that you could start over again. It was just stuck in the open position. It's open when you drop TP into the toilet after each use.

Twice. Two miserable trips to the toilet. Alright. It's a genius idea and it did work great once. Ha ha ha ha. Bought this for my brother. He was so mad at me after trying to use it. Like it was my fault it didn't work. Not mad at you for buying it and like basically calling him fucking disabled or. My brother was so mad at me.

I was trying to do a kind thing by helping him out. So I thought, bitch, why is this in a Amazon review? All this shit. He immediately threw it away. Total waste if money. Said it would not grasp anything. It irritated him a lot. How these fat people are so angry all the time.

I mean, I would not think you'd be in a good mood if you're like basic. Think about it. Yeah, you gotta shit wipe, bring ass wiping, bond. I mean, like the world is not built for them. Nothing's built for them. No, no, no, honestly, they shouldn't we I'm glad that people are kind of coming to their senses going like no, no, no, no not

at any size Stop it right fucking now with that shit. We got to save some money. Yeah knock off the eating bottom line Don't blow your money. It doesn't do what it claims to do. And it's just money down the toilet. I don't think the product was the problem in this one though. Yeah, you know. Save your money, edit. I reached, I got this today to help me. Did you sort by like one star reviews?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, I was gonna say, yeah. Fire the engineer. Here's a good one. This one? Well, no, no. The next one broke within a week. The lousy product.

This was too long for me. The functional end is too fat. Hot kettle. The nail clippers they sent along with the product were very nice. They helped a lot. What? Nail clippers? Wait, how did that help?

You have to clip your nails? Before you use the ass wand? Rip off. This product should be banned from sales because it's totally made me feel more incompetent than I am. Wouldn't hold the tissue keep falling. I was so angry with this product. Are you fucking retarded? Design doesn't work. Ridiculous. Stupid. Really? The design simply doesn't work. I had a wand for years and it's getting worn. A wand? So there was something before this? Were people modifying toilet brushes?

Yeah, she had the fucking, what was that bat that Homer Simpson had? A wand? The Wonder Bat. A guy, lightning struck a tree, and that's what she used for her ass wand. Oh, well, that comes from like, Wonder Boy from The Natural, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Made his own bat, yeah.

Yeah. Uh, the design simply doesn't work. I had a wand for years, and it's getting worn. Man, that's a lot of wipes. Getting worn, yeah. So many of these. It's like polished river stone. So many of these on Amazon, I figured it must be okay.

I couldn't find my old one. How do you lose a swiping wand? I think they mean the same model. Oh. Like they don't make that model anymore. It has a system like a duck's bill. Clamp your wipe, use it, and then drop it. You clamp your wipe?

What the fuck? It's just easier to use a duck. I think My old one was better it has a clamp like a duck yeah Maybe it was a duck Toys those kids toys a paralyzed duck and it was the worst life ever Callison Wonderland with the croquet sticks. Yeah, they were like flamingos, weren't they or something? Yeah, toto sticks.

Trying to straighten out the fucking legs and hit them. Mm, aw. Yeah. I can't believe this exists. Okay. Jesus Christ. Uh, perhaps we should, perhaps we could read more at another time. Okay. Jesus Christ. Perhaps we should, perhaps we could read more at another time.

I don't know if... What the fuck? Come on. What's going on here? Is my shit crashing again? Oh, wow. Come on, come on, come on, come on, baby. Give it to me, give it to me. You can do it. Man, what a fucking...

Spring to release the paper broke the... Let's read a glowing review. What a disaster. That's all, Sean, it's only got a 47%, five stars. That's rough. Yeah. Had terrible cramps. No, no, not that.

Not just great for the tushy. This tool is not just great for the tushy, but also great for people in our periods. No, thanks. TMI time. I've been in need of a tool like this for a few years now due to some mobility issues. I need someone that sounds fat to say.

Okay, totally. Yatoo that thing before. I get it. You don't want to have somebody wipe your ass. It's fucking humiliating. It's gotta be fucking humiliating. Yeah. But we know who's buying most of these. Yeah, we know. We know. I've tried several wipers. This one's the best.

I do not use it like it's designed, so take what I say with a grain of salt. What are you using it? Instead of using the built-in mechanism, I fold two baby wipes over the top and rubber band them in place along the handle. Rubber band them? What? It's not how, that is how I use them. TP would shred terribly, I fear, so baby wipes, they're tossed in the garbage, not the toilet. Oh, come on. My solution? Ah, yes, I do toss the garbage each morning and afternoon. You know, I know how it's not, you know when it's a fat person? It's because they don't tell you how the injury happened.

Every one of these reviews where they say, I'm a disabled veteran, my hand got eaten by a crocodile, you know, something. But when they're not telling you Cuz of that all right. That's another fucking drilling What is going on with my fucking system man? Wow that took a long time to Everything's fucking broken I'm done, dude. I'm just Look, it's all fucked up. Oh, did I leave my backup thing running again? Oh, maybe it's taking a bunch of fucking processing Come on

Whenever this happens with Vito he just starts barking things to try. Oh, why don't you try this load up the task man? I know how to do computers. I've been doing computers as long as you. Yeah. Oh, why don't you try this? Load up your taskbar and say, I know how to do computers. I've been doing computers as long as you. Oh yeah. Well, and you're running, you've got the whole fucking streaming thing going. I just look at it. CPU, 10%. That should not be taxing it. Something's probably my back-upper. It's been fucking around recently. Well, what was your favorite fat watch today?

Oh, that's a it's all a tie for last. Christ. Look, it's all fucking janky and jerky. It's janky and jerky. Maybe it's this thing. Get out of here. Get out of here, Brave Browser. Why is this little installing guy popping up?

I don't know. It's your task manager, huh? Too much memory? Yeah, I knew it. It's the same backup thing again. God fucking damn it. Sneaky little asshole. Why am I so stupid that I left it on again? Stupid. You know, fuck! If only Vito were here. If only Vito were here to gloat about it. Sneaky little asshole. Stupid that I left it on again. Stupid. You know, fuck. If only Vito were here.

If only Vito were here to gloat about it. Alright. Thanks for watching everybody. Go to Hackamania, use promo code BIGGEST to get 20% off. And I guess if enough people come, I get some kind of amount of money. Oh, do you? Gotcha. That'd be nice.

A little something for the effort. Yeah, sure. Alright. I mean, that's a nice little something for the effort. Yeah, sure. All right. Patreon.com. Dick.show, patreon.com slash Dick Stone. See you next Tuesday. Should have started that at the, when I started talking. Yeah, near where the old theme song ended.

Uh-huh. We started it then. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You wanna watch the Eric Jalot music video? Yeah, I kinda do. Okay. You got a million fucking voices in there.

Yeah? He's just crying that Riley went to his home. He's totally making it up. Yeah, because it's not enough that people are like, what, he came to your building and he stayed? Did he like, by the fence? Isn't there a fence around it? No, there's a, it's just like an industrial park.

Riley went to his comic comic book fucking where? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what did he like, left a note and money or something? Taped 40 bucks to his door. And Eric got made fun of for that and now he cried about that for two weeks. Well no, he went to my house. Now he's saying, he went to my house. Bro, you would still be crying about it from when it happened if that was real. Yeah, he just doesn't want to look like a fucking asshole.

I don't know. Why now? Well, because people are like- Why start like that shit now? You're acting, I don't fucking know. Has he like transmogrified it in his idiot brain? Well, I mean, it might be slow to catch up with, you know, with the optics of the situation.

Oh yeah, maybe. Where it's like, really dude, you're like some fucking, you got a rough background, you're fucking worried about a fucking four and a half foot white dude fucking taping 40 bucks to your... He was a gangster. He always talks about how he was a gangster.

That's what I mean. Why are you, you know... East Coast pussy. I don't know what's going on. Okay, here's the white... It's called the RIPAverse anthem. He's doing everything but right, but doing the thing. Yeah. He's got this whole, he does have a verse around, you know, the problem is there's like no real central planet

to, you know, or sun or whatever star to- No, man. I tried to explain this to Vito, but it's like, you watch the righteous gemstones? No, I don't know what that is. It's any like evangelical cult, they always have to have a new different thing that they're working on.

Like the 700 Club, it's like today we're helping, in order to maximize the amount of money you get from your cult members or religion, whatever, you say today we're helping kids in Ethiopia. Now we're helping like dogs learn how to read. Next week, now we're doing, it's a different big project. Makes perfect sense. It's never, yeah.

Because at some point they're gonna- It's not like I worked for two years and made this. Hey, we keep giving money to cancer, nothing ever seems to- Right. You get fatigue, it's, you know. You gotta make the new stuff exciting. We're all susceptible to bright shiny objects of one sort or another. Yeah. Okay, here's Beck Ward's White Pilled, the Rippaverse anthem.

I wish I could splice in the cocks jizzing on them green screen but I can't. I don't think that's allowed on any channel. Oh man. Sean look his factory, his warehouse has been destroyed by Riley. That's what's all floating around. Bro this is like, this is seriously like 2002. Right after the Twin Towers came down. Yeah. This is new, right?

Yes! See, look at all the boxes whizzing around. Yeah. Isn't that exciting? What does it say? but I guess I'll shut it, but you don't love it. We're proven you're so nothing. One can be a bruiser still, but it's a fine legend. I'm gonna stand on the shore and you'll never get out. But I might have you by my side.

I'm gonna stand on the shore and you'll never get out. Dude, it's... It's screamo, right? Like, I mean, it's... Yeah. The warehouse doors are opening up and to heaven. It's like 25 years late. Yeah. It's cute, I guess, but I don't know what he's supposed to...

I'm too serious. Like, it's honest, like I'm being honest, like it's not terrible enough for me to like... Make fun of. Like, just laugh my ass off at. I mean, it sounds like that music. Yeah, it does. Like the production's fine like I it's you know but it's like it's just I just go kind of like why I mean maybe there is still like a scene for for that but well it's

got 500,000 views I think the important thing is just to keep moving on to different projects. That's exactly because he can't, yeah, he doesn't, he's never trained himself, I think, to be able to follow through on like a comic book series. So it's all just like, gotta diversify, gotta do everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, gotta do everything. Yeah, gotta do everything.

So you don't finish anything. There's a real sickness, toxic positivity going around that's like, I gotta do everything. Yeah. That guy, he was a real master of a real Renaissance man. Yeah. He really did everything amazing. You know, but that idea is just that, it's bullshit.

Yeah. There are very, very few people. I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. Yeah. Like actually you're not good at anything. Yeah. It's just you sitting around reinventing the vertical with a bunch of your dumb fuck friends.

There are real life most interesting man in the world type people. Every single one. Yeah, it's like, no, no, no. And also that's not how that ends up. Like the most interesting man, people think like- That was an ad. Yeah, the most interesting man in the world doesn't end up at a table surrounded by chicks

like 50 years younger than him. It's you know how it ends It's it ends like John McAfee. Yeah Dead that's how that is side and Spanish prison I got news for you Keep it in the fucking real world people were laughing to do something People are laughing at this because when he dropped it one of the lyrics was they all thought it was a new song and one of the lyrics is You're not even my enemy yet. You try to sow doubt is your morale this just depletes your weak present It's like it's an honest critique. But how can you call it that when you won't even stand on your feet?

They were busting it. They were making fun of him because they were saying that's like a response to all the criticism He's getting oh wait, wait, so it's- From me and a bunch of people. Did you say it's not new? No, it's two years old, but I thought it was even funnier because he's obviously had these weird like issues with criticism enough to write a song about this two years ago. No, for sure. Obviously, I am not that, you know.

Yeah, but he- I'm not that good. He obviously has some weird problems. 100% and guess what? There's probably a very easily identifiable cause for that. No doubt. And that's on him. Like that's, you gotta, if he wants to be a better man,

he's gotta figure out how to fix that in himself. There's no point. He's already rich. Well then he's gonna, but he's gonna keep getting into these fucking, he's gonna keep making himself miserable. Yeah. I'm just telling you,

that's fucking, that's the real fucking deal. When I kind of, people are just gonna do it more when you, because you react so much to it. Well now he's saying Riley went to his house I'm like man you were doing so good not responding yeah making fun of wasn't going down by the way that's so that was a lie so your friends told you is that we would stop making fun of you if you stop responding was it the same yeah I mean I know we haven't talked as much

about it no no no we talked about it on the other show. Okay, well, I guess as long as you're getting it in. Vito wrote a diss rap response to it. Oh, wow. Like right away too. He's able to do that right away. Comic pegs two years, but he's able to make the diss track. Is this comic book out yet?

No. The funding has finally stopped. Well, I mean. As of Friday. so hopefully the fucking shilling will stop but yeah I'm gonna have to fucking put some out. I mean he will put something out There's no way he died. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know him that well, but he's not gonna. Oh, it didn't work out No, but he's writing a lot of checks. Yeah That is ass. I don't that he's writing a lot of checks. Yeah. That ass is going to have to cash. All right, here we go.

Hey, Dick. I was thinking about the whole bear in the forest thing. Yeah. And I got to say, I think women are right. Yeah. I'd way rather be in the forest for the bear than the man. A bear is supposed to be in the forest.

Imagine you're in like the deep woods and some idiot comes up to you and starts talking about like, what do you think's a Bitcoin or Whether or not he watches hockey or like I think I gotta go with the bear I would also take certain death annoying in the forest with a woman and like having a listener talk about how she's cold and like What happened at work or Starbucks or something? But yeah, just some thoughts. Thanks dick. Bye I'm gonna build a I'm gonna build a giant grid Starbucks or something. But yeah, just some thoughts. Thanks, Dick, bye.

I'm gonna build a giant grid. Am I, you know, like the movie marquees, that material, that white material that lights up, you know, and it shines like the letters through. I'm gonna build one of those, a giant marquee, and it's gonna say, I'm cold. And then the next line is gonna say Starbucks. And the next thing is gonna say something that happened at work.

And every day I'm gonna reset it. And then when she comes home, I'm gonna have a little device where I can, one, two and three, I can light up that one. Right, so as soon as Starbucks comes to go, oh, boom, Starbucks, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, right? And it's gonna take up basically the entire wall on the first floor of my house, right?

So you can... And then if I get to three, I'm just gonna run out the door and never come back. Gotcha. I'm just gonna start spinning around like Daffy Duck. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, you know? And that'll be the end. You know, yeah, and that's that'll be the end

Okay One thing that annoys me is That hack joke that so many guys like to do when Whenever fast food is brought up. Mm-hmm, and they always have to be like, oh, yeah, whenever I have that I just end up on the toilet and they say it like as if it's the fast food fault but like What what about... every time I have McDonald's I'm not on the toilet for the entire night. I think you have the problem. And you need to stop blaming it on the fast food. Because the fast food is good and fine and very healthy for my body.

So I don't know, that's your problem, man. Are you going to have some diarrhea? We could blame it on like the Indian food. Stop blaming the fast food for your toilet problems. Yeah. I had some Taco Bell last night. Did you enjoy the diarrhea? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Uh huh. Excellent. Okay. Dick! It's the gangbang guy. I'm honestly flattered. You genuinely saved my number.

Oh yeah, he knew. Yeah. This has nothing to do with what makes me rage. I just want to give advice to all my fucking men out there. If you're not paying for dating apps Delete the fucking app. Oh, it is single-handedly the most important part of the fucking app Okay, you're not paying for the most High tier fucking Package You are not going to have success How much is Tinder?

I bought Hinge X It is $25 per week If you buy it one week at a time It is $50 per month If you buy it one month at a time They're not worth it I was getting around

Three matches per month It was it screens out gangbang tainted women, then it's worth every penny, isn't it? It was a little less than one per week. And I thought that I was on top of the world. Because I had read about people getting one match per month. That's probably the many matches I ever got. Or even less than that. Like even less than one per month. I got 37 matches in the first 24 hours that I had paid for the premium service.

By the time the week ended and my membership ended, I had 100. Where's my time machine? It was, let's just call it 105. It was about 105 matches that I had gotten in seven days. And sure, 80 of them didn't reply after the second message, but I just care less. I could not care, I could not care less.

I had to say it three times. That's incredible. I had 20 girls. All right, all right, all right. Well, I am too jealous now. Okay, that may be a- Wow, you fucker. Well, I am too jealous now. Okay, I... That may be a... Wow, you fucker.

It may be onto something there. You're supposed to pay for that? That makes sense. Those assholes. Okay. Alright, Dick, this is not really for you. Gangbang guy, look, here's the deal. Oh, that was a coincidence.

Don't try explaining any sort of like long-contved like maybe even maybe even well thought out for stretching notions of like how all of these religions are interacting with each other and what's good or bad about them fundamentally at the end of the day. What matters to dick is you know, you know, using calling the Psyop. It's like he's not a Psyop. It's just he doesn't give a shit about anything that doesn't directly affect him What if it does then you don't or he's all for like, you know murder rape pillage Do whatever you got to do

But if it doesn't not just do it's happening to me good for liking it or thinking about it. Go fuck yourself Fucking that was not long enough of an email. That is a very seldom seen the nail hit so squarely on the head, sir. Wait a minute. What was that? What was about a gangbang guy? Who the fuck? I got to go bookmark that guy. Do not play this guy's voice mail. Please call in again, sir. What the fuck?

I would love to speak with you. Hey, so I know it's always a bad idea to like take Dick's advice at face value. What the fuck? One thing that is legitimately helping throughout my life is I think Dick once said, if you say a comeback that is shorter than what the person said to you, you win. You win. No matter what. That's remarkably applicable for a lot of the things that I do in my life.

So I just want to say things. Otherwise it looks like you're just arguing. Yeah, otherwise it's an argument. Yeah. Yeah, it's got to be short. Yeah, even if it's not any good. As long as it's shorter people just go like, oh wow, yeah, that must have been something funny. Snappy. Yeah. He's really burned you on that one. Yeah. Pretty good. Let's see. I don't remember you on that one. Yeah. Okay. Pretty good. Let's see. I don't even remember you saying that.

That sounds like something I would say. Hey John, or Johnny, whoever's there. So I was listening to the last episode and I heard you started talking about that principal hypnosis documentary. Yeah. My ears immediately parked up because that was my high school. Wow. My senior year. Really? In fact, when all that shit was going down, like I said, oh yeah, let's do a protest,

like yeah, support the principal. I didn't take it any further than everyone else did. Was it a protest. But yeah, no, I found out the other day that apparently I'm in episode 3 of the thing Fuck that yeah, anyways, uh road rage, Arizona win Wait, how did you not now? I got to watch the whole goddamn thing for this guy in episode 3 and I don't know which one he is. Is this the same guy? Hey, Dick. Hey, Sean. Different guy! It's two, yeah.

I was listening to your episode, you were talking about a documentary about Dr. Kenny, the principal in Northport. I actually went to that high school. What the fuck? And I remember when all that shit went down. And my father- Is he on a different phone line or is this a different guy? ...the same exact call that I had when I was watching episode one after you mentioned it and it's that these people are stupid it's a different guy wow what are the odds I don't know you know

they're acting like hypnosis is they fucking say it in the documentary hypnosis is mind control like yeah he's teaching you meditation Everything in that documentary. Yeah, there's no like he he told that he's kids that fucking Do self meditation while driving back from the fucking dentist? It's like no They they have many hearts. So fuck it. It's just it's Things are it just re-ignite all that rage that you had nine, 10 years ago when it first happened. And it just, the whole thing is absurd. Hypnosis doesn't do anything.

He was teaching them how to meditate, and how to like release all the fucking stress and everything. It's just meditation. And the fucking bitch on there is like, oh yeah, he's basically mind controlling them. And there's like a couple dudes on there that are way too emotional about it. Oh, you mind control those kids. How could you do that to children?

Yeah, what a bunch of fucking pussies. Anyway, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Hey guys, if you ever need to escape the world where everyone's just such an idiot and constantly causing you problems and stress, I'm gonna teach you some techniques to like block down, focus on yourself and kind of, you know, calm your emotions. Hey, all that stuff that guy taught us that was brainwashing put him in jail Okay, it's all magical brainwashing hypnosis. Yeah. Yeah. Okay Hey, dick you talked about it a little bit on your last show But I've noticed it real bad in the last couple weeks people are starting to fucking lose it

I don't know. Starting? Like election year shit or if it's like the effects of COVID finally rearing on people's mental but it's fucking tweaking season. Everybody is losing their goddamn minds out here. It's fucking money. Jesus. Nobody has any money. Nobody has any money. Nobody has any money. Nobody's getting laid. Yeah. Social media makes us see like the worst people all the time. Yeah. And it just takes all your energy to not want to kill them. Yeah. It takes all of everyone's energy to not commit acts of homicide and violence all day, every day. Yet people can't stay away from it. Well, what else are you gonna do?

Stare at the fucking wall? You can watch something else. Like, it doesn't have to be like, educational shit. Watch Lord of the Rings? No, it could be interesting shit. There's lots of- Well, what's interesting? There's lots of whatever's interesting to you. Man, I go every, this is the biggest problem

in my life probably. What am I gonna fucking watch here? I'm gonna sit here for 20 minutes trying to figure out what to watch. It's all shit. I'll start it. This is shit. I'll start it.

This is dog shit. Oh, there's, it's an episode series. Oh, it's six episodes. No, thank you. Looked interesting for a documentary, not for six episodes. Well, you know, maybe you just- It's a major problem. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

It's driving me nuts. I know you like some stuff What am I supposed to read shampoo bottles I guess I gotta go back to you could You know read the label on your fucking ass brush you can I'm gonna be should I read those I'm gonna get sucked into that ash ass brush. You're gonna have to get one Maybe I should make a new one. Yeah, go on shark Tank. Yeah, you'll probably fucking make fucking 10 million dollars off this fucking thing. Hey sharks. So this is how I was wiping my ass before. Yeah, you're fat. Yeah, what are you... Which one of you is the fattest? Right. Mark Cuban, you're a gay retard, but not necessarily the fattest, although maybe you would be. Uh, all right. Goodbye everyone.

See you in Vegas. Thank you.