The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Best Doggs of 2025

Episode Date: December 24, 2025

We take a look back at 2025, revisiting the lofty highs and actionable lows! A year jam packed with cursed movies, games, books and origin stories. People died. Seanbaby ate a kid. Half our guests wound up with lock jaw. But in the end, we found that comedy was truly the family we learned along the way. Also, Robert wrote a book. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert will go to jail if you don't buy his book. I know what you're thinking... This is NOT the time to be a wise guy. BUY HIS BOOK. https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriendd

1,900 Hotney 25. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog, the world's last comedy website. I'm Robert Brockway, and my co-host, Sean Baby, and I are taking some time off for the holidays to, well, just to reflect on what matters to us the most. Which, uh, which I think is that picture of Stephen Seagall eating a carrot, like it's his opponent in a fighting tournament? You know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, please immediately Google Stephen Seagal eating a carrot. carrot for your for your holiday gift that we got you uh actually that's the gift we got everybody just do that even if you know what i'm talking about it never gets old in place of a new episode this

week please enjoy our year-end roundup of the best of the dog zone happy holidays and we'll see you in a couple weeks please do be prepared to talk about the carrot there will absolutely be a carrot quiz did you read uh the articles i wrote on a man called eddie vituinette i've read a few of the Eddie Fuchmanette's articles. He's canonically a part of like the the pressure point death masters like your George Dillman's and the whatnot. He is, but not in an official way. He's just, he thinks he is. But I guess that's what George Dillman thinks too. So for listeners who don't keep up with all the articles on the site, which again are very good and you should, he wrote a book about prehistoric birds in modern times.

He wrote a book that was starting. That's how I discovered him. I was like, what a fucking crazy book. And then I opened it. I'm like, a maniac wrote this. I'm going to Google who this is. And I found out he also wrote a book about homemade CGI military zombie comic creatures. Then Brockway and I together did a teamworking article about his incredible martial arts manual.

We'll get to that. Other things he does, he's a rabbit farmer. He's a semi-amateur singer. He was too incompetent to be adjusted of the piece in Texas, so he's not that anymore. He's an aspiring roadside attraction owner. He's a badge maker, and that's kind of what it sounds like. He makes a lot of circular text badges, no follow-up questions.

He's a sub-English word-paced author, a zero-out-of-ten graphic designer, a rapper, and most importantly, he's a Frank Dukes, which means he made up a story about how he defeated all of the streets in the 1970s and created his own style of martial arts based very not loosely off of this comic book style of pressure point attacks that you'd get in 60s comic books.

It's close to Murielaza, which is the name of his style. Oh. It's called Murielaza, the way of unlimited techniques, a guarded exclusive and confidential course. So if you're listening to this podcast, you narcs, tell no one of this. These Murielaza moves are secret and maybe protected by moves even more secret. The big shamrock, the big cactus, and his DJ name, because Shaq is a DJ, is diesel. That's the only one I knew. I didn't know about the shamrock or the cactus.

Just goes to show you really don't have to be creative to come up with nicknames for a big guy. It's the big whatever. He's a Buick. The only big difference on the bag is that there's a warning on this one that says, careful, sour level may cause irritation to the mouth. Do other sour products have that warning? Because I've never seen that before. I don't know, but I don't recall.

I don't recall, like, wanting to heat it as much as I did with this. Like, I must blow through it. Oh, no. Yeah. It makes me, like, cautious. But I'm like, oh, shit, hold on. Like, maybe it's the volume of that, like, if I'm going to eat. Yeah, it does say that.

Because these aren't, these are, I feel like these aren't as big as the shack heads, but they're still, like, too big to be comfortable. Do you think you could put your mouth on Shaquille O'Neal without getting irritated? Like, is this something that's just unique to him. It's a theme. It's art. I see. It's communicative. I got you.

This is what it's like to take Shaq into your mouth. They cut from here to a trading montage. You think it's going to be awesome, but it's just Jimmy like loosening up, just shaking his wrists out and stretching. And then he finally does the Jean-Claude Van Damme splits between chairs, but only at about 70 percent. And it looks like he hates it. It looks like he might die. When he's warming up, they do the thing where like Bruce Lee clenches his fist so hard that his knuckles crack. Only he does it with his spine and that's not cool.

Right. I do that when I get out of bed. Like that's not. Yeah, I'm 45 and I have scoliosis. Mine does that too, but it's not supposed to. Yeah, that's what I liked about it, I guess, is that, like, I like to snap my bones in a place before a workout, too. I can relate to this. Chelsea Clinton and Vice President Michael Moore are meeting with Ambassador bin Laden in the Oval Office where they are currently letting him sit in the president's chair.

This is the future liberals want it. They're like, let's let Osam bin Laden sit in the Oval Office. I had to just be rack in his brain for what's the worst possible thing they could do? And they would let him sit in the chair. That's such a liberal thing to do, sitting in the chair. Michael Moore gave him permission. Hannity, yeah, Hannity sees this and he turns to Oliver North and say, be glad you're blind. Jesus Christ.

Oliver North, I don't know that you should ever say that to a blind guy, even if it's something terrible. Because like he doesn't, he's not happy that he's blind. Oliver North is kind of like the end word for the sighted. Oliver North throughout this whole comic is constantly being like, God, I wish I had my vision back. And at one point, Sean Hannity turns through and he goes, you should be happy or blind. Because you don't want to be the bad parent who's like, I don't want to get the wrong gender diapers. Look at fucking Huggy's only has the one type.

They must have shitty diapers. Like, that's all it took to like to hijack an American mind in 1988. It's much more complicated. Now you have to tell them, I'm going to lower the cost of eggs. something crazy. This podcast runs in two weeks. Are you sure you want to be publicly pro-age at their... Like, this is dangerous territory. In this political climate... We're going to get those diapers back. Those diapers are all their way back in. Yeah, you're looking at the future, buddy. We're regressing right to it. I think it's far safer

for us as a podcast to get to the woman fucking the elephant. Jason, let me test your hip-hop history. Can you finish this rap line? They Call me sweetness. I love to dance. Because running the balls like making romance? Fuck yes. Exactly right. See, you're a true hip-hop. O-G. That was wrapped. That was wrapped. That's 1998 rap. Perfectly executed.

Because he actually makes the targets. Right. Or does, is there a trick that I'm not saying? Is that woman ripping and dropping the targets no matter how far away gets? That's entirely possible. Oh. I didn't even think about that, but that seems so likely to me now that you say that. Because if she wasn't, he was really fucking good.

Yeah. I think it's that. Yeah, a lot of that bit, too, seemed to be like she was pretending to be really uncomfortable. And the audience was like, yeah, I like that. She's scared. Yeah, whipper. She should be. But then at the end, she gets a little turnaround, and she makes him put a, put like a match in his mouth and bend way over.

And then whips him on the ass. I don't know why he had to present that way. Yeah. It feels like, just put a cigarette in your mouth. He's like, oh, should I stand like this? No, no. Too late. Should I assume the position?

I know this. I know this position. No, it's because this is like it's like of the stars, baby. I feel like there have been maybe two spells cast and about six loads swallowed on screen. Right. Yeah. That's the vibe. Like, Buffy was notoriously like kind of for the queer.

And there was more like a two to one ratio of loads to spells, I think. Yeah. It's just, it's definitely. skew in a direction. This has at least twice as much semen as Buffy, I would say. Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, the first, there's like four sex scenes in a row at the beginning that are just men pounding it out for no reason, just to show us that they're dating.

Just artlessly fucking. For several of them, you do not know their names. Like, what am I watching? Who is this guy? I name the ass, please. I need to know which I to root for in this contest. I'm just going to go ahead and head and say that episode of Next Generation Effect. all of us in weird, different ways.

There was a hand-stuffed ghost episode of Next Generation. Yeah, dude. Dr. Beverly Crusher, Gates McFadden. The Irish ghost that had sex with her grandmother, which was actually an alien. Where were you? God. That's the best episode. Sounds really good.

It was so weird and awakened things at all of us. Uh-huh. I went right from that episode to the graveyard. Oh, that makes sense. I was already living that life, that ghost hand-stuff life. You were already four inches deep. in a ghost by that point. What an erotic show today.

Did you like Bladesman Under C1? If you did, please let us know. This is the last planned issue. That's always just displaying that confidence I love to see. I like that he also doesn't even add. I know it's what he means, but he doesn't add, unless you like, like if you buy a lot, we'll do more. He just says, this is it.

End of the line. Party's over, boys. Well, I mean, he wrapped up everything. The good guys got their treasure. those human trafficking victims got to have sex with the zombie penis. I mean, everybody wins. If there's no rules, you should be able to jury rig up like mechanisms. You should be able to come in there and do like electricity attacks like Blanco.

Surprise gun? That's a good move for a no-rule fight. If you can manage it, if you can rig it up. Surprise gun. Just tape yourself all over with tasers. Guess who forgot to check my asshole before this fight. I know the referee was real serious about sniffing those gloves, but he didn't sniff my asshole. and now I got a gun.

Did you see the guy? He sniffed the gloves every round. Yeah, but that dude sniffed those assholes, too. I know he did. That was off-camera. Yeah, there was no fight cause for sniffing the gloves. That's just a hand thing. A little something for me.

Did you put knockout powder on the... I'm going to take a big whip of these fists. And if I fall asleep, I'll... Oh, you're in trouble. My name's Doug. I love you shop them. Say no more, Doug. The end.

Our dealers are great, they cause no trouble. This is alcoholics oil. There are partners in business, you see. I guarantee the profitability. Well, grooving all day is made for me. It's a lot like Diva advocacy. Uh-huh. Despite his lumbering non-speed, he solves every problem with just sudden punch.

So if a guy has him at gunpoint, his solution every single time is just grab the gun. and bonk him. But I'm making it sound way too fast. Like he's like, oh, goddammer, fucking get up for this. These old bones. Yeah, he's like 60 here, right? Yeah. There's really exertion in every movement. Yeah.

Anyway, I just like the ogre paw bong is so funny to me. But again, the show is written and produced by people who love him. And so he's putting these scenes where women like swoon over him while he plays the saxophone. And when I say saxophone, I mean, he plays like a gigantic. He plays the monster hunter. saxophone. It is this gigantic fucking. They gave him the one instrument that makes him look normal size. I say

I think they should have given a ukulele or a triangle or something to play it up. Yeah, I didn't know they made big and tall instruments. Dirk, do you have in your notes how Fatty Mellon kills that one guy? No, yeah, he farts him unconscious. Yeah, he farts a ghost to death. Okay. So other people saw that. I just wanted

to verify that I didn't imagine that. Yep. True comic fat guy fashion. You got a fart at least one ghost to death. Yeah, but then in the next scene, Melon tries to free the princess, and the little clown dudes are there, and they see his ass, and they each bite one of his cheeks. Yeah. Yeah, so he's going to save the princess, and he's struggling with the chain, so it's showing his plump ass, just shaking around, and then for a very long time, the two little people come up, lift, they gently lift his little skirt, examine his ass, declare, what a plump ass, and then each to a cheek begin to eat his ass. You can't put out the E.T. book before thriller drops.

And also, E.T. Book had this original song on the storybook, and they said, you're not allowed to release it as a single. You don't know this song. It's called Someone in the Dark. It's terrible. It sounds like something a priest would sing to E.T.'s feet. It is just a saccharine pile of shit. It's up there, if you know the song from Free Willy 2, where Michael's like, have you seen my childhood? It's like that. It will turn your penis inside out listening to it. She does have a pimp who sent her here. So the pimp sent her on a baby gig, and a perverted old billionaire milked her as she talked about her lost baby. This is a comedy.

And the pimp's in love with her. And the pimp later is like, come on, man, I love her, dude. Like, he's not very good as a pimp, I will say. He's real bad as a pimp. I think we're skipping past some important notes. Like, he did cut everyone off from their money. And that is like it becomes an important, B plot in the movie because he's like, all right, bad news guys, there's no more money.

Good news, I do get to drink human breast milk. They take no comfort in that. So anyway, I just didn't want to skip past that. Oh, yeah. There's somehow, and it's exactly a sitcom B plot that they don't have their money, because it will only come in for a joke. Like, it doesn't do anything else. It's just like, let's throw to the B plot for a couple of quick wrinkles.

And then back to Mickey Rooney sucking on a titty. Tell me which one of these is fake. Cheryl in Bikini Summer. Babe number one in Assault of the Party Nerds, too, the heavy petting detective. Vanessa in Bikini Summer 2. Laser Model 2 in the cold of the night. Tammy, an alien intruder. Sex dentist in Bikini College.

Mountain Nug in Encino Man. Dancer 2 in White Carg. Go. Number two. Can you guess the fake one? It was number two. You think it was Babe Number One, an assault of the party nerds,

too, the heavy petting detective? The one I made up was sex dentist in bikini college. Every other one was real. She did return in bikini summer two as a completely different character. All right. Read number two to me again. Babe number one,

in Assault of the Party Nerds 2, the heavy petting detective. I knew you would think that was fake. That's why I invented this game. You found the inspiration for the entire bit. Now I just want to watch that one. know. How shitty are you that they can't even like borrow $50? Like they're in like fucking La Pluma Washington like I looked up the motels. It's like 45 bucks. Now today money. Today, yes. Can the people

at the wedding each kick in 75 cents? Combined, that would be enough to get us a bed overnight so we don't have to freeze the death in our vehicle and they're like, no. Or alternatively, we, we, we, we, We're saying we're woodsmen, and we weren't planning on doing this. That's why we didn't bring our tents and sleeping bags. Could anybody just lend us some blankets? Also, no, that's surprising. Yeah. Also, you could just sleep in your car.

It'd be cold. You might have to turn it on for a bit. There's so many solutions to this problem that aren't going into the fucking woods and sleeping in a haunted cabin. With a spare tire on, Sean? That's not safe to do. You're right. You can't sleep in a car with a spare tire. You're right.

I take it back. I take it back. Go fight the ghost. Darcy, I said, have you ever arrested a barb? She downed a spoonful of baked beans before replying. Are you talking about the gang is in the St. Louis barbs? I am. Okay, so that's like just to set up what comes next.

Down them beans, girl, yeah. It was my turn to take a spoonful of beans. It was my habit to save them for last. I'd already finished my ribs and hoped I didn't have globs of sauce on my face. I obsessively wiped it as I ate the messy food to keep red smears away from my cheeks and the corner of my mouth. So it's pretty good. I think it's pretty erotically charged. A lot of bean talk, just like I like it.

Yeah, yeah. We're fucking these beans. I'm into it. I'll keep going then. After swallowing the beans, I took another paper napkin to wipe my face again. Okay. Lot of beans and wiping. Oh, yeah.

The lady teacher walks in and he's like, oh, a lady. Like, just forgets about the kids instantly to get in their pants. I'm like, this. Tries get her those fries. Ask her if you want some of his fries. He fails to impress. with the entire contents of his wallet. He pulls out every fucking thing in his wallet and says,

is this, will this get me late? Will this get me late? Well, how about, wait, no, hold on. This is a diners club. Will this get me late? Yeah, he's got a pile of his own trading cards. But here's the thing. I think this would work.

This is a true story. I'm on a series of video game All-Star trading cards put out by Twin Galaxies. And if I handed you one, you would fuck me. Yeah. Like, I'm sure of it. You know me too well, Sean. She turns him down and he says, well, what's your type?

She says, you're not my type. And this bug the shit out of me. She goes, about three foot seven, six years old. In my notes, it says, I'm out. They got on coming. He wants to be pervin on girls being. Like, we get what she means, but come the fuck on, kindergarten ninja. There's 9,000 ways you could have wrote that.

That was the one you shouldn't. Hey, she's here doing her community service too, all right? For your unspeakable sex crimes, I sentence you to four years of kindergarten teaching. Now she has to be bound in the magical helmet to re-experience her mistakes. Yes, there's a fucking magic helmet. This is so many things. There's a magic helmet in the, in the magic bookstore keepers, magic bookstores, magic bookstore's magic bookstore computer, which contains a subfolder of dinosaur karate. and within that subfolder there's a magic helmet

which contains its own world where you learn about your mistakes. Fucking madness. Just all the way madness. This is an existence inside a scene elsewhere, inside a matrix. Inside an inception? There's an inception thing going on.

So, God, where are we? Inside a reboot, inside a never-ending story. Right, that's up. Your second title card should be just the second part of your first title card, and then your second title card should say, has to hide his vampiric penis at all times or something. That's your dark secret.

You can't see a dick in a mirror. His dick must feed. Wait, you guys can see your dick in the mirror? Oh no, Sean, he's got you too? Oh, no. Sean, baby, shock jock on the podcast. Just found out he's got a vampire dick. Love forever.

Love forever. I don't know. It's better for me to sing it even though I can just hit a button. There you go. Remember in Extra Large when one of the musical instruments was a gun? If this song had a gun as one of the musical instruments, I would... Yes. Wait for it.

It's the fucking gun solo. Here's the thing. I have done some pro wrestling and it doesn't seem like this should be a dangerous thing but to cover the ring in corn flakes you are going to get some scratches and as the night goes on anybody who went to the mat will get up

and there's just a few little cuts like you can just see little chunks of blood on their back and arms just because sliding onto a cornflake it's just going to break the skin. My worry is you like at one point you see the ring and towards the end of the night it's covered

just pulverized cereal dust. Like, somebody's going to slip on that doing a very dangerous move. That shouldn't be ordinarily very dangerous, but if you slip in the middle of it, you're going to die for the breakfast cereal match? Yeah. It's so stupid that this is like something I saw. I'm like, oh, that's kind of dangerous, but it's just dumb assholes thrown cereal. This is like the only song I loved.

I won't say like I would listen to it outside of the context of Eurovision, but if you're going to lean into some sort of stereotype type about your country, and you are, as is Eurovision. People are out here like, I love a good sauna, who wants a meatball? And they're like, we're a dark forest of corrupted wood sprites, and we can beat, the lyrics are all, we can beat any curse or hex,

we will summon things to defeat you. And you're like, yeah, it's true. Fuck yeah, put sitting there in its final fantasy. I have a clip. Yeah, you're dying in a forest to that. Yeah. Again, 90s, Zanya song, could be. Could be.

Or just a fairy trap Left in the Woods by evil spirits. The year 6,000, long after civilization has died and been rebirthed in a shape we don't recognize. Could be.

Could be. And Sean, you're going to play the role of the penetrator. Done. And as the penetrator, you repeat after me. I have been fucking

Zabos this whole time. Zabos, we ask that you help us overcome all difficulties. Zabos, I am the penetrator. We ask that you help us overcome these difficulties.

All of our problems and obstacles. All of our problems and obstacles. Whether they're involving penetration or not. I'm just doing a little ad limit. The penetrator doesn't play by rules, baby. And so we offer you this arse. And so we offer you this art. Wait, no, no, no.

The penetrator is at top. Just, you finished the line. Your gut. All right, DeNard. You're the penetrated. All right, so repeat after me. As the penetrated. All right, cool.

Power bottom, sunny style. got it. This wonderful arse. This wonderful arse. Good. That's it for you. Sean, the penetrator again. One wonder woman will be my bride.

I have the power bottom wonder woman. Until the superpowers team has disbanded in shame. God, these souls are so forfeit. They're so forfeit right now. Sean, repeat after me. This arse. This arse. All right.

And now you slap. Now you slap the penetrated tires? Uh-huh. Okay. Do I have your consent, Denard? Give me a little slap. Half of it. Oh, yes.

I always like to ask permission before. Okay. Okay, let's do it. This is so much more erotically charged than I thought it'd be. But I love it. I found a Malibu Comics Wiki. It describes his origin story as Cal Denton discovered after he turned 18 that he had superhuman abilities. went all out on all of these ideas.

He assumed it was just a genetic aberration and began fighting crime. All right. So he's like, oh, it must be fucked up in the jeans. Let's fight some crime. I mean, it's not exactly seeing your parents get murdered in front of you, but I guess it's an origin. I feel like if you said, hey, what are your guys' ideas for the ferret in like a brainstorming meeting in the 90s? And someone like took a deep breath and opened their mouth. I'd say, stop.

I already know what you're going to say. and then this is what I would say you're about to say. Bitten by mystical ferrets, of course. Of course, of course, yes. Bidden by a wizard's pet ferret. You're going to say just Wolverine. I already know. The rest of that, what he didn't know was that he had been given his abilities on purpose,

possibly by the government. Okay, that's better. Well, that's Wolverine. You go too easy with these questions. You got to make these questions more difficult. difficult because I owned Mac and me on VHS as a child and watched it dozens of times. And when that clip started becoming popular with Paul Rudd on Conan, I was like, oh, Mac and me because I had seen the whole film probably like 10 or more times.

Did that scene ever get normal? I mean, but there's other parts too. Like the dad gets a gun at one point, like not a human dad, like an alien. and dad gets a gun. And he looks real fucked up like you would shoot him without the gun. Oh, absolutely. There's a, I think they drink Coca-Cola out of the liquid core of their planet. I might have misremembered that, but I'm pretty sure that that's...

That doesn't quite sound out. I do remember something about Coke. They love Coca-Cola. It is Macaname. Yeah, it is Maca-Macon-me. A hundred percent. You win a point. Question before we move on.

Paul Rudd started doing that way early on Conan, right? It feels like, yeah, he's been doing it for a long time. Since like... 15, 20 years? Since like 90s, early 2000s? Mm-hmm. I don't know. Yeah, sure.

Was that enough to, like, that was so far back that it was still really special when, like, somebody referenced something that you thought was private to you? Did you fall in love with Paul Rudd at that moment? Oh, that's a good question. Yeah. I'm looking at my Paul Rudd tattoo right now, and that is not a joke. Verbal contract, Merit K-20205. You have a Paul Rudd tattoo?

I have a Paul Rod tattoo. Yeah. Wow. Because of Mac and me? It's early enough in the culture. It's not because of Mac and me. What do these numbers represent? Ethiopia 100%.

India, 86%. America, 11%. Greece, 91%. Korea, 88%. Mexico, 24%. China, 18%. On a scale of 1 to 10, how depressing is the answer? That's a good question.

two. Two. So not very depressing. Not at all. It's great news to some. Population that are secretly kittens? Nope, that's not it. Merit, you can steal and you get your own question during the steal. What was the one that was 100%? Ethiopia. Ethiopia is all kittens. I'm just all kittens. That's what we are the world was about. They deported all humans. Paradropped in just. Does it have something to do with animals? only very, very vaguely, other than humans, yeah, just like only through the sheerest of technicalities. But no, I'm going to say no.

Percentage of the population that owns a nice sweater, a nice wool sweater. Hmm. That's it. Both great guesses. 100% of Ethiopians. Yeah. What that actually is is the percentage of a country's cuisine I eat as a taco. Yeah, ape lover.

Buck. Yes. The passion and the earnestness in this song is so deep that it instantly won me over to a cause I would have said I was against, which is, of course, women having sexual intercourse with apes. So just based on the time that this movie came out, this is some racist shit, right? Like, this has got to be. Now, now, now, hold on. it's very specifically about apes. Right.

Like if that was the song and then it was her going into Harlem or something, yeah, okay. She is from New York City though and she's got, you know, just regular dudes can't do it for. She needs something more. And that's always code, right? It was probably code. Fine. It's not like I'm saying I'm pro. Ape fucking now.

It's like how I feel about first. I don't get it. I think it's like a little goofy, but it's not hurting anybody. And they're here, you know? It's done. It's over. Unless,

I guess if the ape doesn't want to fuck, somebody's going to get real hurt. But so she recruits the neighbor to go to a pay phone. They try it again. It works. And they're in a technical color jungle. Only they're both like corpse gray. And he tells her,

I always wanted to shower together. So they do. They shower together in virtual reality, like immediately. It's like a, I have written down. it's like a poolside shower in the Black Lodge where you're being spied on by Phil Collins. Pretty accurate. Yeah.

And then she, I guess she force morphs him into Adam Baldwin, which seems like a nightmare. Yeah, that's the worst. I think Adam Baldwin may have forced morphed him into Adam Baldwin. I don't know. Either way, his identity is a race. Like, she's established this as a mind-to-mind connection. And then she's like, hey, guess what? You're Adam Baldwin now.

Like, that's, is that what happens? happened to Adam Baldwin? Is that what made him Republican? It's like, you're being John Malcovished himself somehow? I know you're not supposed to do that. I think this is where I realized the show was very, very designed for women. Like, because this is a very woman way to use virtual reality to kill a magician and then have sensual jungle sex. And also for like all this complicated technology, just be like a magic dream. This is one horse away from perfect lady fiction. Let me know in the comments if I have a full understanding of women. So he finds out the hacker

is his son, of course. And he has that information in the government wanted all this time. The aliens were hungry for it. And what's worse, his boss, he finds out his boss, Director Briggs, is behind the whole thing because Goliath, as the

software that gathers so much data, it can predict our thoughts. Okay, interjection, interjection. So they tell this, dude. One interjection? They, I'm still using my interjection. Don't ape me.

They tell this guy, they're like, hey, buddy, if you turn on this fucking surveillance system, aliens will come to Earth and eat the data. And he doesn't say. Interjection. You can't interjection. You can't interjection. Yes, I can. We find that out by a tweet from Senator Chuck.

Schumer. Continue. Okay, thank you. No, good interjection. In the first panel, he is climbing a cliff, and he sees a, he sees like a dark shadow in the distance on the air. He looks up and finds like a really generically designed pterodactal monster descending upon him. It's, it's kind of nothing. It's kind of something. It doesn't say anything. We are not given any, like, context for it. It's like a dungeon master's tattoo. It's like fine.

It's fine. It's nothing special. It also doesn't say anything. We get no context for it. He hurls a bolo around its legs and then cuts it in half. And then holds the bolt of his swords to the air for no reason and screams, gods of the planet, Reinold, give your son's strength. Give my weapons your power.

Let us do your bidding. Okay, so right here I turned on this hard because this is just Conan. But at least Conan's gods like have names. and like personalities, I guess. And so for this, like, you could tell the world building's bad when this guy's like, whatever you call the guys who run the religion here, which we also have it named. And also, I'll do whatever. Yeah. I don't really have a goal in mind.

So if you do, like, I'll build a shed. I could do some plumbing. I can kill another taradactyl monster. I'm not really sure why I did that. We're on page zero and we're out of ideas. They are really bad ninjas, though. They're horrible. The idea is that they wouldn't have been able to get there if they were dressed like ninjas.

People would have been like, oh, hi, ninja. Like, oh, shut. Or you go in at night, which is why you have the black ninja costume. That's a great idea, too. No, it's broad. It's like noon. It's like the sun is directly above them. Try going in at noon while everyone was working inside there without being disguised and were caught instantly.

And then they changed into ninja clothes to run away, leaving them wildly confused. and with a really funny story to tell. Back at the base, Nichols has no idea why Cindy's mad. She's like, dude, no one's ever fucked up anything worse than that. He's like, come on, let's have a little fun. Let's loosen up. It's like, you... This was a puppet.

This guy's got a puppet. He's like, come on, it was just an undercover op to stop a nuclear missile. What's the big deal? What's the hard? I'm going to honk your titt now. Is it just called ancient Korean karate? I feel like they would probably. have a name. It's

Tong Sudo is what his style is, but Tong Sudo is a form of karate. It's not inaccurate, but it's a little See, I just found that in the introduction he's like, just ancient Korean karate. It should be called something. You should probably tell us that. There are some name. Yeah. Right away.

Well, he does like a kata early where he's, which is when you pretend to have a fight against like 15 dudes, but they say this special form of Korean karate designed as a gift for an ancient prince. And I'm pretty sure this is bullshit. Like, there's, I don't even look it up. That's a terrible gift. To get a karate ho-down, you get a little karate line dance in exchange for your heroic

deeds. Like, some guys get fucking mountains named after them. You got a karate line dance. That sucks. That's how you get haunted by an ancient Korean prince, like, for sure. Like, this is the first time I really thought somebody fucked up really bad and made something really crazy. And I'm like, I don't know.

lifts a little bit of the veil off the universe where you're like, oh, things don't just suddenly exist and then I consume them. Somebody made this. And there is a chance that they did a very bad job. Yeah. It is kind of like a nightmare of a character design. Like, it's something you'd make if you forgot you were supposed to design a Rubik's cube cartoon and like your boss showed up in your office. And you're like, no, no, no, I didn't forget about this. It's a, yeah, it's an old man baby head attached to the side of a cube. Yeah, it has, it also has. It also has. It also has. Yes, you're right, boss. Yeah, of course it has feet.

Of course. It doesn't need them. The head is a particular goblin blue that we really only associate with villains and cartoons. Yeah, I've written down here it looks like Mickey Rooney's corpse and a teleporter accident. Oh, God. That's what I have here. It's a fucking nightmare to behold. It feels like the dreams that I have a lot.

There'll be like stuff going on in the background that makes no sense. I watched like five or six episodes to refresh myself. And there's one where they're all in biology class. And there's just a guy in the background lifting weights. But instead of weights, he has a giant torquets. Yes. I, you know what this is to me? Do you ever play the video game Paperboy?

It's like Paperboy shit where like you're a paper boy, but then you'll pass something. You're like, wait, what was that? Like things that seem sort of like background action but aren't quite right. Like the Grim Reaper will just be on the sidewalk or there'll be a single break dancer in the middle of the street. Like they sort of makes sense. something had to be there, but then like when you look at it too long, you're like, wait, no, no, no, no.

What? And it, it just feels like somebody has, like, created this entire backstory for just one second of just something you're not really supposed to focus on. And that's this whole show felt like that. We're just, there's just shit happening. And if you look at it, you're like, no, wait, why is someone just rowing a boat on the sand? Yeah. Was I supposed to see that?

Is that going to come back later? No. Nope. And then freeze frame on a dedication to the children of the special. Psy rap. Him being a clan, like, a clan diversity pick almost feels like sabotage in terms of, dude, he's actually likable. We're trying to build a fucking behelit here.

And people are going to love him. What do we do? We've had to say the worst things we could think of. How do we poison this man? They found a way. It's the only solution they found in the entire fucking screenwriting process is how do we make this character unlikable? They finally did something.

How do we make people not love Terry Cruz? And you know what? Still kind of loved him. I have no idea, like, metaphorically, but I love the interaction that leads up to his transformation. He walks up to the family. Danny's like guessing it what some petroglyphs mean and he notices the guy and he says, are there more petroglyphs down that way? And the ranger goes, in the most like, you're an idiot voice.

I can imagine. He goes, just follow the path. There are clear signs at every turn. And then boom, he's the nude Indian. Just sprinting up at all. That's what he says before he transforms is, is customer service speak for fuck you, dip shit. Use your brain.

Just, like he did not answer that question. Asshole. He said, yeah. See all the fucking signs everywhere? Maybe you should look at him. Anyway, peace out. I'm a naked India. This is so cursed.

I don't know a good way to talk about. it. Like my notes, this is the most scattered my notes have ever been because the layout of this source book is totally broken and insane. Like it, as you mentioned, it kind of has everything you could ever possibly think of, but also not nearly enough. Like, the things that it omits are just as important as the things that it has. Like, for example, I did find a picture of me on page 79 and I found, I found Sean Baby in the supplemental art you included. So like, we're in here. I think I know exactly which pictures you're talking about. Yeah, you're the rogue scholar.

I'm doing shit. Yeah, we're in here. Yeah. We're in this book. And yeah, it's a never-ending story. The juicer hitting a guy in the face, right? Yeah. I got my look from that.

The first time I saw that, I'm like, this is what I'm going to look like for the rest of my life. So that we know the kind of bits we're talking about when they say the ideas are bad, the back half of one of the episodes we covered is that a guy gets too many compliments. so he gets a swelled head physically. So they have to insult him to cut his head down to size. So that's like 10% a joke idea or like wordplay. 90% grotesque facial swelling.

Yeah. That's the balance there. For which they built several prosthetic heads for him. New prosthetic heads. Multiple. That episode's way more about how horrible he looks than anything they say or do at that point. Yeah, he looks like a,

it looks like a sex toy having an allergic. reaction for sure. I'm just going to say it. I'm not sure how he Mandela is a genius, guys. As like garbage historians now, we can just glance at this and see several reasons why this is cursed. But like I had to realize, like I'm, I am witnessing something that should not exist. And it does not exist for many people. It was a weird era. I mean, this was like the vanilla ice era where people would try to manufacture cool. And it sort of worked in a way that sort of felt nostalgic, but we also kind of saw through it, I guess, how like you, so something like this, you're like, oh, they're trying to make a cool thing. And then you see, like, oh, wow, they really

missed. But we didn't quite have, like, the irony. So is it, I don't know, it's this holding pattern for culture where, where stuff sucked and you were allowed to enjoy stuff that sucked, but we didn't quite understand what we were doing yet. To be clear, no one enjoyed this movie in any way. seen enough of that in my adult life of like the advertising world and how that works. It's just like, sure, sell it as a package. And then you just got to wonder, who is the production company that took it on? What else did they do again?

We saw a little bit of it. But just endlessly fascinating to me. Why didn't we give them a camera? Yeah. Make us a video. Sure. What do you want me to film? Oh, no, no.

You do not get a camera. Or we could get a camera, but that'll eat into our budget. So let's just spend as little as humanly possible and get some. stock footage that maybe they owned the rights to, who knows. Or like you said, didn't even get permission for. We will never really know, I guess. I know a guy. Hear me out here.

Who's got footage of just thousands of chimps dying in really funny ways. She says that Pierce Broson is like always on with his fucking smooth brother like, hey, my love. Like to everybody. Like the DoorDash driver is going to get flirted with by Pierce. That's incredible. Yeah, that's his life. That's just what he does. He's just a, yeah.

Just a drifting, drifting hunk. And I think the flirting is like not intended to hook up with anybody because he's been, he was like happily married, widowed and then happily married again. And it's just that it's like a gift he's giving to the world. Yeah. This like pleasantly attractive vibe, you know? Like, it's not to hook up with the driver. It's just like, you've entered the vicinity of Pierce Brosnan.

It's like if you smell the flower near you, you will experience my hunkitude. And then you'll move on to your next thing. Everybody leaves with a boner. It's almost like an AI made this. Like if you said, make me a burger song, like it would probably be pretty close to what a human made back then. When you say you didn't know if somebody made a note of it, I assume you're talking to Brockway because I can close my eyes in the entire film plays.

Like, I can give you a frame-by-frame rundown of exactly. Because this film opens with a montage over the full length of that song. Again, not getting you into the tone of this film. There's no jokes or wackiness in this. It is a straightforward, heartfelt, three-minute-long montage of just people cooking and eating burgers. And then it dumps straight, straight into an extended shower scene. Hell yes. Instantly, 80s comedy.

We need to talk about the titties in this film. Okay.