The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 10, Ready Player Two

Episode Date: February 17, 2021

Seanbaby and Brockway huck Michael Swaim in the 1-900-🌭 van and take him to an abandoned warehouse where they read Ready Player Two at him until he breaks. You will, too. You will, Two.

One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast work. Yeah. Yeah.

When you taste that nitrate power. You're in the dog zone for an hour. Hour. Come on. You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred. Hot dog.

One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero. Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone. Nine thousand. The official podcast of the one nine hundred hot dog.

Comedy website. I'm the internet's Sean baby from the world wide web. And I'm here. Of course with Robert Brockway the cracked legend. And one nine hundred hot dog. Legend. Welcome. Well hi there. Happy to be here. Steady. Steadfast.

It's appropriate. I'll take both of them and run with them. Yeah. You deserve it. And with us another cracked legend and our old friend. Michael Swame. That gave me a headache that intro. Hi. How are you? I'm a bit much. A lot of people say that. Only at the beginning you Jiminy clicked it.

In terms of energy instead of pitch. You started very fast. And then you're like hey Robert how's it going. So I don't know what energy to strike. It's true. I really think Jiminy click is how I learned all my broadcast skills.

Well comedy is just the rapid interchange of high and low pitch. That's all it is. You want to wildly swing between them. You want to just unpredictably frighteningly swing between manic and depressive at all times. So Michael swing. Michael swing.

Oh my goodness sir. There you go. I like a smooth sine wave just very predictably. Very high. Very low. Very high. Very low. Set your watch by that shit. That's funny. What have I been working on? Thanks for asking. I'm working on

a bunch of stuff at all times. I recently put up my first piece at one nine hundred hot dog. Which I'm very proud of. Very erotic piece. Thank you sir. I spent 30 days living solely on VR porn. And that's kind of true.

Meaning I did. You did a lot of research. I didn't. I didn't. You know I'm going to pull back the curtain here and admit the articles let's say exaggerated. But but I did download and play in depth over the course of several months actually all these VR porn games.

One of them was mostly ninjas. I didn't even get to the most disturbing ones like there's one called gun and sex. It doesn't sound disturbing at all. You can just pose women and put gags and get masks on them and then pose guns pointing at them

in 3D spaces. That's a twist. I thought you would be violating them with the guns. So it's not as dark as it can be. And I'm sure I just plotted out the sequel to that game and I apologize. That's true. And yeah there's some element of I think shooting them in the pussy to make them come.

I didn't explore it for too long because I immediately thought the tone was not conducive to comedy. Right. I was just thinking about that while I was reading that article because I've done an article on porno games before and it always strikes me as how people don't share

in any kind of a porno game culture. There's no grand theft auto of porn games. It's just every time I look at them I'm like this is just a swamp of shovelware. Has no one ever made a good porno game that people are like oh yes I play that one. It's erotic and serves its function.

It's just like. I don't think there is a triple A adult. Remember what a big deal it was. You don't think there's some community that has decided and gotten just fanatical about some sort of porn game. I don't think it would cross over to like outside their community is my point. Like

someone who just enjoys casually brazzers or something. Is there a game where you could hand that person like oh cool this is like porno but I control it with a controller. But it holds up to like video game standards. Right. I remember what a big deal it was when they made that triple X pirates movie

that was porn but it was like a real movie like they fought CG skeletons in between boning and boning skeletons I get it and then you it's that's pretty cute. Did they fuck the skeletons. I'll watch it. I don't think they fucked the skeletons. I think they fought skeletons

then fucks. There's no way it was worth the money put into it. I think a bunch of porn actors just wanted to pretend to make a real movie in the way that I've heard of that movie and I don't you know. Yeah. Outside of xxx articles I don't really you know enjoy the pornographic industry. I have some

good friends who are sex workers and I good God bless them but it's you know I my thing is like the leisure suit Larry Count. Do you think I wouldn't think they're going way back with this. They're comedically raunchy point and click adventure games. I don't know that you would jerk off

you leisure suit Larry. Yeah it would take some effort. I mean you could do it. You can jerk off anything. Well what's amazing to me is these VR porn games are like you can tell by the way they're structured. They are designed to actually masturbate. You can tell by the vaginas and the way they are. Well you know what

I mean leisure suit Larry is like you could but it's not really designed for that but this is this is jerking slash revving material and yet you have to have a giant thing on your head and you're holding wands. Like you do have to control them. It's bizarre man. I don't really

understand. But that's why it's perfect for 1900 hot dog right. It's the detritus of a thing that you can do. You didn't have to but you did it. So let's explore it. I wonder if there's a peripheral would you get a hand peripheral for your VR wand so that you can

jerk off without letting go of the wand. There is a I believe me I did robust research. There's a blow job machine you can put on and see it's so gendered like I don't know what the female equivalent is but there's a blow job machine

for people with penises that can hook to the game so you could do the VR blow job and then feel it. I couldn't look you in the eye if you saw that in my house. It's so much effort to come. It's so much money. Like just

to do this simple task. Like what am I what are my Brett Michaels I don't need to be industrially milked nine times a day just exactly I gotta say now so my version of the Jiminy Glick thing is and I do actually believe this I like to fuse the most

base taboo human thing possible with cleverness and high class like structure I think that's funny. So let me jump to the other thing I'm working on because I am very excited about it for if people don't know who are listening I am the head of video at

IGN now the video game journalism site and I have no idea what this has to do with video games but you guys and you two specifically would be excited I've kind of tricked them into letting me do cracked stuff in the sense that this video feature I'm working on now

is a 50 minute video essay that I have spent months researching I got to talk to the guy who wrote the screenplay for Groundhog's Day I got to talk to all these amazing people and the topic is why time loops are so prevalent in gaming and entertainment

right now and I can like Quantum League death loop anyway there's a bunch of video games and a bunch of movies happy death day Palm Springs boss level on and on Looper boss level yeah really is like somebody discovered Groundhog Day for the first time and they're just going nuts with it yes everyone's obsessed with time loops right now

and I have a theory that's very fucking smart ass and I think very elegant yeah about what that means about society and the future storytelling and why we're doing that but you're not going to share it now though so look forward to that of course not you have to watch the video that's a spoiler I imagine

it has something to do with the accelerating nostalgia cycle and I bet you with your guys's minds you probably could fill in the rest but listeners will have to catch the video you dumbasses without our genius mind so you'll have to wait for the video but me and Brock already get it I promise you

we got it before it happens that's very funny I understand that that's very funny I didn't know the premise of Palm Springs and I was watching it with my fiance and Andy Sandberg came on and 10 seconds into the scene I went oh he's Groundhog Day so like that's

the kind of mind you're dealing with John Groundhog Day and switching to games I was shocked that like the exact same thing is happening in gaming there's well the stats are cleaner on the movie side because we saw catalog movies like

Wikipedia even has it listed in TV tropes does as well movies and series by the trope time loops right and between two thousand and twenty ten there were like eight and between twenty ten and twenty twenty there were thirty six okay so something

I believe you that might correlate just to the increase in media and video game you think even in just the last ten years maybe maybe because I can't think of older examples like braid or Prince of Persia sands of time but I swear

this year we have quantum league we have anyway a bunch of video games that it video game twelve minutes in a video game sense it like helps explained like what's going on like there's so many games that it doesn't make a lot of sense that you start over and play the same thing but

I don't know that's what I love because I got to ask a lot of these developers because IGN has you know legit connections which is an awesome privilege so I got to ask people to make these games and some of them even the very simple games like this this game called minute that resets every sixty seconds very fun game and

they got deep because I asked leading questions like do you think there's a reason psychologically you know you know collective subconscious that this is happening and they got into it even though their games very simple they were like yes I do and they wrote this whole thing and then this guy who directed Luigi Antonio

director twelve minutes an upcoming time loop game featuring Willem Defoe as the lead character which is dope was like I don't know you know video games reset so I figured time loops reset I was gonna say it would be great if somebody was just like no

I was like do you think there's a reason in society that this is happening he's like I think people try to make too much out of stuff like that it's like it's in a bug's life you know it's just a coincidence you're always reading into stuff and I'm like hey dude you just dismissed

my entire career making more of this is all I have being a nerd sir is what he was saying to me I'll still play his game if I get to play as Willem Defoe only if I get to play not if he's a side character I don't give a shit about that I want to Willem Defoe

simulator or boss I believe you play as Willem Defoe who his wife gets brutally murdered in front of him and it means nothing it means nothing about society that's right every twelve minutes it resets and he just watches it again it's fine he accepts this

he got to pick any time to time loop and he's like you know what the time my wife got murdered I'd like to see that over and over again she was an unpleasant woman the time Lord's like dude are you sure Willem Defoe's like hit the button buddy hit that loop button

it's like you could just say no deal and continue your life as normal hit the button you don't want to pick like a tender moment or like a wonderful sexual conquest you're like no no no that really watching her die

and the game is called murder loop that's true Willem Defoe's murder loop there is a game called death loop that looks awesome I can't wait for death loop is it Willem Defoe's death loop no it's two hit men trying to kill each other

and they keep going back in time to kill the other one before the other one goes back in time to kill them it looks complicated and fun I'm on board for that I like boss level I saw that a couple months back I got a leaked trailer one I don't know if you guys played dishonored

but those games it's by the same studio that did those games and they're quite good what's the show about I don't know I listened to one with Jason and it seemed very planned out there was a whole thing oh no we don't do that anymore we never really did that

it just happened a few times and people were like oh we have no way to sustain this I suggested to Jason what we're going to talk about and he decided to just do so much research and he was in our slack just showing us all the stuff he was working on he shared all these google docs and

so then we're like god damn it now we got to do it too so we did have one episode that was intensely researched I wrote like fake Dennis Miller jokes and made him guess it oh yeah I heard it was really good but we're never doing that again I will do that for an article and I will do that

for my own podcast but I'm not going to do that again on someone else's podcast at most you watch a movie read half of something and you show up here to be talked at and that's all you're going to get Rockway what are you working on

let's keep things moving well I just finished it and I was very excited to find it and finally find a chance to talk about it it's called Sensei Rainbow and the Dojo Kids fuck that's the name of my time loops article shit

it's the name of my funk band it's the name of everything it's such a good title and it's by the guy that did the karate rap if you either remember it from just being a meme like 12 years ago or remember the article I wrote about it are you referring to Go Ninja

Go Ninja Go? no that's the ninja rap you idiot it's like a video you might have seen go around the internet where he's singing like karate train your body and it's like kind of overly produced but super super bad and it was so long ago it was

1986 it was not ironic at all and probably one of the first white guys genuinely trying to rap and anyway I it was a kind of a goofy harmless video but I had always wanted to know where it went so the premise of the article that I wrote was just me cracking this guy to the ends of the earth

and finding everything about him and I did and I didn't feel good about it but I put it up on the side anyway and we all we all shared in my misery and his name is Dave Seeger and I discovered that not only did he just do this his whole life that's just made crap for me

to make fun of his whole life but everybody in his family individually and I mean everybody also did this going back going back three generations going back to the 1920s oh really that's an indie comedy right there

the vaughn traps of shitty memes exactly exactly that is exactly what they are they were all we've ever done has been professional losers since the 1920s their biggest claim to fame was that they made batfink that was like that does sound familiar

it's like maybe I've heard of that but no it's just it's more do you guys know from a similar period I think like 2008ish speak the rapper he's very good if you haven't seen that video look it up he's like stop your business

the business is the killing of the children Jesus so he's got a message it's a song that's designed to like save the world and stop all war if you stop all war the children can live I mean there's a logic to that it is

and I don't disagree with this it doesn't sound like any karate rap though no I'm gonna look up karate rap after this for sure it wasn't this one's not about karate rap that was a while ago it's the same guy that did it Dave Seeger who insists on being called Sensei Dave which is your first

major red flag he kept trying to make you know karate shows happen so he made a really super low budget just an independent family produced pilot for a kids program about the magic of karate only he met that literally like karate is magic

it commits magic and like he does karate blasts that just make magic things happen and he tries to oh like keep like he has key power no no like he does a karate blast and it summons a caterpillar and then he does like a little hand vogue thing and it turns into a butterfly

like he's a because it's for kids he didn't learn that when you were a kid I learned that when I was a yellow belt I thought he'd like stand next to a mountain chop it down with the edge of my hand no there's no karate there's no karate it's no like badass karate magic

there's no karate it's karate magic completely absent of karate like even the kids don't really do karate they just kind of pretend like they're gonna do karate and then they dance around and fall down but they call him sensei it happens in a karate class and he talks about how karate

it's so strange it's all it's like 20 shows merged but see they got me fuck this is exactly what that family wants is for me to go but that doesn't make sense these things don't belong together that's yeah that's what they do I think you're projecting your own feelings onto

their madness I think I think their madness is totally genuine no they're fast my fascination I'm just saying and you were saying earlier that you don't even like bad movies you're like I don't get why people like bad movies but look at how fascinated you are just with the idea of a bad karate show

it's so but I wouldn't want to sit and like shotgun 10 episodes of that show probably unless I had friends physically around me to riff with well sure does that make sense okay so watching a bad movie I'll take back if there's like incisive comedy-minded friends

for me to riff with there right but I know you and I know Dave Bell also is this way like a bad movie just tickles you Brockway are you like that oh yeah it's like 90% of what I watch I don't really like movies I don't have good taste really because I also well if something makes me laugh

or feel on the edge of my seat or whatever it's trying to do intentionally consider it a good movie so a bad movie would be it's making me laugh by mistake and nothing ever makes me laugh by mistake like in bad movies where stuff is bad like the editing

is bad and the acting is bad I'm just bored I don't know why it doesn't work you have a recessive anti-bad movie Jean I do it is a medical problem and I pity you and I regret that but if you were next to like a really funny friend and they said something awesome like I'm editing fail you'd be like

oh my god you're right that is funny um yeah like if someone gave me a like a that's gotta hurt I would lose my shit I'm writing that down have you ever heard this one it goes that's gonna leave a mark oh that's good yeah that's I think

the act to break a Schindler's list is that yes yeah and then but they're talking about German marks which he's using muggle the the point is I couldn't I could have justified that if I took long enough you get the idea yeah yeah I saw you building that joke and and then watched you bail on that night

I appreciate both those sentiments I don't think of it as bailing as efficiency it's like wide the chicken cross the road you get we don't know what I'm going for we don't need to finish it well I just finished an article called 60 sexy spells great segue very well

yeah yeah the the horrors of Nazi Germany remind me of the the silly book I just finished making fun of only they'd had these seduction spells right and this was a book written in 2001 and what what made it pretty notable

was it was very very inclusive which was ahead of its time I guess the witchcraft or the Wiccan community is probably a little ahead of the rest of us when it comes to that what's weird is you open it up and it's just karate what the fuck that would so not be out of place like 90%

of these books at some point they take a turn for karate and you're like yeah I knew that was coming there's always everything you guys cover includes at least like one caption that's like go for the groin to disable the attacker and you're like I thought this was a puppetry book what is this

just solid advice I think lunatics just are the only people that believe in karate but they believe in karate so hard yeah that it carries over to everything self defense is entwined with weirdos in some way the art of self defense and being a weirdo is there's

some kind of resonance there sorry Sean what are you working on well there is very little self defense in this book it is it's mainly about how you as a very sexy goddess witch can use your witch powers to attract others and it's

a series of like placebo effects basically like these spells that don't work by like admission of the book's author they're like oh we left out some stuff because like we can't trust you with the magic so it's basically a list of useless rituals to give you the confidence

you might need to attract a maid you can't even like buy the rest like they're not even going to sell you the working part of the spells it's just like this plausible deniability that they built into their book which I think is the context that makes it funny to me because it's just a book of

functional spells that you can just do and they work or they don't and then you'll be like okay this this witchcraft obviously doesn't work oh yeah I do live in a world where magic isn't real okay so yeah that makes sense but um I had a friend who used to do she was she's like a hippie to

the extreme and would do this there's this book Yoko Ono wrote that are prescribed experiences okay so it's like I thought you wrote a book of magic I was so here for Yoko's book of magic every day no but it's exactly what we were talking about it's a ritual that has no meaning or function so you'd like she'd open

it up and be like okay I have to take a bite of a plum walk in a counterclockwise circle in my living room eight times while I think about my deepest regret why Yoko Ono said too it's the 47th thing in the book

another day it'll be like rip paper and listen to the ripping paper these are all gold right leg firmly it's like it's just it just kills time gets you closer to that old grave stone would you like to do something with your morning

you got time to fill it's stuff to do it's the perfect pandemic book I'm gonna find that it's that or Scott Adams daily affirmations and you don't want to do what Scott Adams says so I think is that the way to go yeah yeah he's super into daily

like he believes that all of his tremendous success has come from a his genius ability to cold rate manipulate others and the daily affirmations the thing where you write at 15 times on a paper and it comes true I've heard him say that

Trump is a master manipulator I've heard him say that many times is he wrong based on the total downfall of our society I do feel like it's provably false with most people it's provably false on a one to one basis

but he does seem to be able to manipulate it's provably true on 75 million it's a weirdly high number he's not wrong all the time don't get me wrong I was of the opinion that Scott Adams was totally full of shit about the whole Trump thing until the whole Trump thing and now I'm like

listen I don't like you but I gotta give you that one that one thing and nothing else ever I feel like those 75 million people have had their brain soft and over the course of like decades like I think right but you just gotta find them I guess sure whatever great job everybody the Trump

people if you're listening we gotta we gotta cut that off we'll be here all day if we break the seal on the Trump shit so anyway that's what we've been up to sex and Groundhog Day so that's it and speaking of idiots and manipulation we're going to do

Ready Player 2 oh my god we're gonna do Ready Player 2 I'm so excited for this oh that does excite me I've been Ready Player 1 cause that came out in between the there's like a lot of crack dish stuff about Ready Player 1 that I wish I had was like I wish

it worked somewhere where it was the right time and place to rip into Ready Player 1 Jesus that story what's crazy about it is when it came out talking about it with friends and like none of us hated it it just sort of felt like young adult literature that that felt like it was catering

to us too hard like I think what I said about it was it just it seemed like a guy who was kind of cleverly inventing a world where the dumb shit he knows made him the most important person in the world which we all agreed kind of gave us a nice feeling and then I just didn't really think about the book and then

I think I picked it up like a few months later when my brother was like dude you got a chicken's book at Ready Player 1 I'm like you really liked it that much and then I started reading it a second time changed my life bro this is truly terrible and then of course we all agreed like as a as a people that it's

as a culture it's real Da Vinci code shit where it's like the plot and I would argue most of Harry Potter is roughly this too the plot the order sequence of events that happen is like good and compelling enough that it's a catchy hit but the

writing the fabric of the writing is like it's ranges from terrible to mediocre it's phenomenally bad and the movie I was actually I have big problems with the movie I don't remember if they did this exact thing in the book but they have the iron giant mm-hmm go berserk and

kill a bunch of people the whole point of the iron giant is I am not a gun as a kid that was so important to me he doesn't understand what's good about the references he doesn't understand what is transcendent about the pop culture that he just knows that it's there do you remember that

yeah that was great he did a follow-up he's chris farley from those sketches that was awesome that was awesome I'm sure you both heard of Armada I don't know if you've read it but I'm looking at it yeah okay great I don't know I haven't assigned copy Armada was oh my god

what's Armada with you this is the shit folks this is the good times that will miss when I'm gone we're going out on that one right yeah just cut there one nine hundred out so he followed up his first book his huge hit book

with this fucking book Armada which was just the last starfighter only a novel of it and and dumber way dumber way dumber right and of course not original but it was very referential but almost to the past the point of crutch

like like he would describe things as if like he'd walk into a hangar of spaceship and say oh it's just like this this the hangar and last starfighter as if like the reader he didn't want to do the heavy lifting of like explaining to the reader what it looked like he's just like go watch the movie come back

it's just like the last starfighter there was a pattern to the the book that once I saw it cracked me up every single time I saw it which was a person would make a reference and then another character would like recognize the reference and and then another character would be

very very proud of them for both making and then recognizing actually pause and say you did a really good job doing that all the time like every fucking page it happened and I'm not exaggerating if you read that book it was it was like he gave himself this this insane task to do it

on every page and he did flawlessly hold it off flawlessly he never never failed to do it he was just every character was so proud of the other characters for knowing the references and it was just the sexiest shit in the world like I liked how all the characters knew the reference but they still explained it to

each other like I get that reference that's exactly like and they there's like a paragraph explaining the reference yeah and I think we all have friends who who communicate with movie quotes and it's like a comfort zone for a lot of people but I just I can't imagine them

explaining it every time it'd be exhausting it's the opposite of it's the opposite of the direction of culture and society like we don't do that we do the opposite of that if anything but seriously Michael that that most nicely reference from the hit film Star Wars that was kind of amazing

and I mean I'm sliding my underwear off right now very sexy oh it reminded me of you know the second Darren from Bewitched I'll explain very good reference that's a show about a witch which is our karate masters

yeah we've established that that's a callback I'm writing all of this down because it made him a billion dollars he's a very wealthy man do you guys get the same pleasure you get from bad movies from bad books because I think a bad book actually would make me I do writing so sacred and something

we all excel at is pretending to write badly for humorous effect so seeing genuine shit writing that does tickle me there's something there maybe I'll check out our motto oh I highly recommend it I have a game where my wife and I well if you walk past it and you make

eye contact with the title you have to stop and read one sentence read it always it always cheers you up nice well today I'm going to read you some passages from Ready Player 2 in fact not some passages I'm just gonna start at the beginning of the book I want you to interrupt me when it sucks chapter one is called cut scene

which is a reference to yeah I'm gonna try I'm gonna actually try and wait until like until you see the whites of the suck like I'm gonna wait until it really really sucks I'll do my best we'll keep going if Brock we go whoever

whoever calls it first Sean can you keep going and we'll see when the second person calls it okay yeah after I won Halliday's contest I remained offline for nine straight days a new personal record when I finally logged back into my Oasis account I was sitting in my new corner office

on the top floor of the GSS skyscraper in downtown Columbus Ohio preparing to start my gig as one of the company's new owners the other three were still scattered across the globe Shoto had flown back home to Japan to take over operations as GSS's Hokkaido division Ake was enjoying

an extended vacation in Senegal a country she dreamed of visiting her whole life because her ancestors had come from there and some sucks I can't believe I have lasted you because he does he has like this like X-Men understanding

of like international characters where the Japanese guy is like obsessed with honor and Samurai's and I was it's Star Trek the next generation rules where like everyone represents the monolith that is there's planet or there's really into where they came from that's

that's what all humans are like right right all I talk to you guys about is Portland Oregon that's really all I'm interested in that's the only thing I know I tie everything back to the reload micro bruise the rainy fields of Portland or and you have some opinion about ramp and white supremacy

I forget which it is pro or con but okay I'm not personally saying pro but Portland Portland is very pro that was hard that was like upsettingly boring the whole time I agree but they say grab

your reader with your first line and don't let go and he hasn't even reached oh is that the first is that the opening of the opening is literally the opening of the book oh man that's really describing their business makes me sad and to set it up he's now like the richest most powerful person in the world

right so literally you're giving parallel sentence structures which is inherently boring with and the story you're dispensing is there are no stakes everything is fine he was rich and cool yeah he was probably skateboarding he's now

rich and powerful as the bad guys from the first book man the thing that got me about the movie that I wanted to do a whole cracked article about is this kid becomes king of the universe and decides that the whole message is that we should

turn off the internet one day a week bitch everyone's still living in stacked trailer homes what are they supposed to do that one day a week you're rich as hell it's like if Charlie took over the chocolate factory and was like

and I declare the problems in the middle east resolved and you're like that has nothing to do with this the fuck are you talking about we will allow one out of every five oopa-lupas visitation rights to his family yeah you just won the lottery that doesn't affect anyone else

the message of that book at the end was like maybe I'm on the internet too much that's what we learned that's the whole book came to you coming to that realization 13% too much one paragraph is what you need for that revelation it took the world to be a dystopia for you to learn

that maybe lay off the internet there's a scene in the movie that I think is dumber than any other and that's a high bar and it's the scene where everyone is having a VR battle against the super bad guys and they're in the street like doing straight up like hurricane

kicks like while they're in their VR headsets if that's their world building that they have to actually do flying kicks and walk around in the real world while they can't fucking see it's just like Michael Swain's VR pornastrophe

somebody's going into a thresher like somebody's putting their dick in a wood chipper and counting both my hands I only had to move three parts of my body they're like controlled they have a whole kinesthetic thing going on so you bought the blowjob machine

no at the third part wait what would the third part that be I guess I have to move my head to look around I mean if you're any good let's say I bought the blowjob machine I actually took the floor model the one that they let everyone use because it was a little cheaper

I swear to my kid and I waited in the alley and when they threw out a busted blowjob machine I took it home god damn it you got me you're good if you blowjob machines lying around your neighborhood fuck it said Sean on it I just thought that was good luck

they were traps they don't let go it's pretty good luck it served me well the old bear trap model I had a downgrade I'm like more of a country guy I don't like all that cyber stuff I like a nice wooden blowjob machine oh you've lapsed back into reading from ready player 2 now yes

that's a line from ready player 2 I'm gonna skip ahead cause one day a week I mandated a wooden blowjob machine how close do we get to a blowjob machine in ready player 2 cause I bet well yeah they've got to blur the line between romance and technology

that's part of the thing it's young adult romance in a VR world so now the main character is traveling through his super tower that he now owns super relatable love him already

he has a super secret room that controls the world some of their avatars could enter this room no one could have tampered with the egg so there's only one way that inscription could have gotten there Halliday himself must have programmed it to appear on the egg's surface it could have appeared right after Anorak gave me his robes and I'd just been too distracted to notice

I bent down to read the inscription GSS 13th floor false number 42 867-5309 shut up 42 867-5309 42069 simultaneous breaking point

on that one this is like snow crash with brain damage it's so fucking mad I'm sure at some point somebody says this is just like snow crash that it would be bizarre if he got through the whole book without actually he's probably

never muscled his way through snow crash like in life it doesn't feel like his thing plus I feel like his world is built around 80's nostalgia and snow crash was what a 2005 movie or something oh yeah but snow crash has the exact same thing where there's a virtual

the book has like a virtual world where there's literally a scene where he enters like a cone of silence where other avatars are locked out but as you're reading it it feels fucking cool it feels like you're in Blade Runner just a very different experience

when was snow crash early 90's? this is gonna sound stupid I was thinking snow piercer is a very embarrassing mistake but yeah I know what you're talking about the cyberpunk book snow crash is a really dope cyberpunk book about a pizza delivery guy

that was a good way to make us explain that reference though that was pretty clever now he's armed with this new knowledge this 8-6-7-5-3-9 I gave them all a polite nod and pressed the 13 button according to the interactive building directory on my phone the 13th floor was where the

GSS archives were located and the 13th halliday had put them there in one of his favorite tv shows max headroom network 23's hidden research and development lab was located on the 13th floor and the 13th floor was also the title of an old sci-fi film

about virtual reality released in 1999 released in 1999 what is this now a gene shallot this is like a gene shallot digest review of when the movie came out fuck man

the onboard elevators AI much like a turbo lift computer from star treks the next generation if you will then sprang to life saying hey good job on that 13th floor reference this sounded like so much more fun

yeah no I thought that we would I'm already so tired I thought we'd be having fun but I think we all hate it I don't get it cause you know Evans and Cody and Katie read that Ben Shapiro book and it sounds like they have such a fun time maybe they're better friends than

yeah I think they like each other that's very possible I think they might just be more love in the room yeah that's it I like you guys it's a self loathing thing that's gotta be it all right I'm gonna do a word search on my Kindle because there I think we should that's what we need to go for is make our own fun does

it offend you guys when they get used to when I was like an angry young man I've kind of outgrown it but does it bother you when a bad writer has tremendous success like and it's really bad and you can't wrap your head around it like this

does that bother you at all on an intellectual level yeah I don't get like jealous but I get frustrated with the failure of like like my fellow Americans you know what I mean like systemically just the fact that the globe would trickle

this up versus there must be so many better stories that we'll never hear that we could have heard instead right and I mean we mostly owe his success to his hustle that's how a lot of bad writers are actually

really good promoters and he is a really good promoter I think you could say that about JK Rowling and the Da Vinci Code guy as well yeah yeah like there's I don't get that jealousy so much because you've succeeded for something it's rare that it was nothing and in this case it's your hustle

and promotion so if it gets to the point where you get mad at somebody for it then it's like well maybe I could learn Sean baby is more correct it's not and I again I've outgrown it but I but I used to get mad at he's used to hearing that I used to get mad at

society like I'd go to comment like I used to go to SD Comic Con every year and I'd go to the you know big hall H panels and someone would come up and be like literally the director the one I remember was the Beowulf one of the Beowulf my face came up and was like

I don't even know how I got this man like my mind is blown I've never made a movie before I don't know anyway like it's crazy anyway they gave me twenty million dollars to make this movie can you believe it here's a clip it's like the worst shit I've ever seen and it's just the systemic failure that you're like yeah I

agree why you I don't understand was that the one with Christopher Lambert yeah that's the one okay yeah that was very bad it was very bad that the CGI one the monster was CGI yeah the guy was you know what you know what Beowulf movie I like 13th Warrior with Antonio

Banderas yeah that's there's another 30 he missed it he should have put that in this passage I think it would have enriched the reading experience movie before you and you know what floor they fought Slimer on and Ghostbusters the fucking 13th oh that actually makes sense in retrospect okay sure

all right here's a line I love Kira had visited Miyazaki on a weekly basis for several years there's a planet in this world where it's just based on Miyazaki movies and now I was able to say the name thing say say the same thing

but like Bono before me I still hadn't found what I was looking for oh my goodness gracious can you fucking imagine writing that down and looking at that oh we're having fun again could you imagine

oh my god I would be so embarrassed sometimes when you say something when I hear something and I just know that it's going to stay with me for life like I can feel that one imprinting as I open the rusty garden gate and stepped into Marcy's playground I did

smell sex and candy hair it's fun it's fun to try and write like him I enjoy this yeah no one would be able to distinguish a parody of this from the original I couldn't hustle like him though I couldn't that's the problem is I couldn't present this manuscript and go

this is good give me your trust he piled into his car he bought a bunch of author copies and he drove around to bookstores all across the country and just put it in their hands and told them to sell it and begged them to sell it and I was

not I was pretty far after ready player but somewhere around there on my book tour so everywhere I went somebody had wanted to talk to me about Ernest Cline and Ernest Cline was here you know last year year before whatever with just a trunk load of copies of his own book trying to pressure me into selling it and some of the people were like

isn't that amazing like that hustle that's kind of amazing but some of the people were like I hated it but he wouldn't leave until I bought a bunch of copies so I bought a bunch of copies have you seen the founder used to use that money use that money to buy a DeLorean book and course he did and then gave it away

it to promote the book like dude's got a hustle smart smart obnoxious hustle yeah I did see the founder with Michael Keaton yeah that I'm getting flashes of the founder where it's like someone who became because here's the thing about how it just is

humans are on a spectrum from avoiding confrontation to not giving a shit about confrontation to loving confrontation right people who love confrontation will will end up by enlarge generally on top like assholes

will win in a lot of mundane ways maybe not in the long term in some key ways but like I don't know assholes will float to the top and as long as we have systems that allow for it right the person who's selfish and willing to go well I'll take more of the pie if no one if everyone

else is being polite I'll fucking take the whole thing they'll get the whole thing right exactly like your trumps are they have something going for them which is everyone else is too polite to go as far as them the Kaiser Soze method dude it works

there was a scene in the founder where Michael Keaton walks onto a golf course with a burger furious that it has lettuce on it and there's always a scene like this in a biopic where it's just a moment that tries to like cram a whole bunch of like a character's obsession into

like an actual event that almost certainly didn't take place right but I remember thinking oh this is one of those scenes but also like why put something so fucking stupid in the movie that like will make me turn on that character your protagonist is now like a full lunatic there's lettuce in here he's like dude I'm playing golf

and the other character was right to say like what the fuck are you doing here talking about lettuce and he's like you gotta follow the recipe there's no lettuce on the burger and everyone there's like we agree with a guy who doesn't care about the lettuce just like the audience of this film you're a madman but I guess that was the point

is that he's he has I think that's acceptable because it was supposed to be by the end you are supposed to think oh he's a piece of shit I didn't realize that at the very beginning at the beginning I admired his pluck now I realize he will destroy us all

with his bottomless pit of avarice and that is America and that is McDonald's and it's delicious and we love it but up up up brought to you by yeah or the or you know or a McDonald's something like that you you get what I'm going for

I get it I'm proud of you for this client method I'm searching through this book I'm gonna find some more terrible shit to read maybe we should do some search by keywords maybe Michael try to think of something that almost certainly is in this book

but is also going to be very stupid family family ties family ties sorry I stole it from that's all right Michael family ties and no no family no family no family ties brigh well but that word could just come up

randomly I was gonna say crossfire crossfire we're gonna get in the crossfire like that game I guarantee you even if he just says there was a crossfire he's going to pause that scene that's true just like that game see quest see I doubt it

there's no way all right project I'm looking see my taste is too obscure I was always an indicator do you remember project keeker no one does that's right no one I don't freak is a way to fucking what would it what I think that's too late yeah what

would definitely be in there magnum PI Tron well Tron just is what the book okay we're magnum PI air wolf is in there okay you found magnum PI yeah here we go I put on my imaginary Detroit Lions ball cap

and shifted my brain into magnum PI detective mode that's really good I knew I knew it was going to be exactly that I knew it was going to be a so bad some sort of I thought it was gonna be his shirt I thought he was gonna have a magnum PI

Hawaiian shirt or possibly the car yes and it was going to put him into magnum PI sexy detective mode Pac-Man and or Tetris I want to get a hit this game is gonna infuriate me if I don't get a hit

we got two Pac-Man's alright Pac-Man a classic Willie Beamish pulsing in time with the baseline as they blasted the song obsession by animotion this time I felt like I was really here like I genuinely traveled back in time to Middletown Ohio sometime in the late

1980s I don't know I don't know what happened to Pac-Man it's just gone alright no but that was good pizza with a slice removed looks like Pac-Man I thought that's where it was gonna wind up yeah I think that's where it was got that like Dennis Miller cadence where he has to like pause lip in the brand name and emotion

and that's where the comedy comes around the song oh Sonic the Hedgehog oh that's gonna be bad I'm gonna be offended if there's none okay I'm the only Sonic supporter amongst the entire crack diaspora okay so Jesus Christ

this fucking book Mobius Prime was another oasis world created solely by Kira Moro as a tribute to her favorite video game character Sonic the Hedgehog the planet was a recreation of the fictional future earth where most of Sonic's adventures took place and it featured reproductions of all

of the different levels featured in early 2D and 3D Sonic games along with environments and characters from the cartoons and comic books based on them so just nobody can that there's just like loops and fucking spy kids everybody's just dying nobody can go anywhere fucking dry boring like Wikipedia paragraph

it really is describing the most incredible you're like this person's literally Sonic planet and then someone made a Star Wars planet and a Magnum PI planet and um it's so matter of fact my book crazy yeah

right there's no there's no joy in it exactly what joy there is in the reference he just gets that the reference right not happy about the reference he doesn't he's just like why you'd like it connecting things with a line and saying those things happen in

1989 there you go and like walking out of the room confidently that's the product fuck you let me do let me do one more and then we can do something else and then I think we should just break this candle in half oh my god I hope there's airwolf

there's gotta be airwolf right and be so good he probably flies an airwolf no airwolf there is a part of this book where he has to fight like seven princes like the musician like they have like raspberry berets and little red corvettes and all these song references and do two of them stand

before you that's what I said almost certainly probably right two princes is that some bread now well I would think when it gets down to two he would throw that line in he would throw that paragraph explaining two princes stand before you

now there's a lot to break down here I am referring both to Prince and okay this is it you're gonna love this you drive Z Ake said the little red corvette won't start for you unless you're wearing the raspberry beret

so this is what it sounds like when doves crying that's gotta be in there that's gotta be the next line of dialogue right it's not exactly somebody gets beat somebody gets defeated I bet the car engine sounds like a dove crying listen to that baby cry

try try Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter for me okay member combats with a K no Mortal Kombat I knew no you know I know alright and no Street Fighter what about Magic the Gathering

sorry I'm taking the guest privilege yeah Brock why you should you go next this is fun I like this game yeah this is pretty good I don't see any Magic the Gathering a lot of the word magic but I'm 0 for 3

I'm gonna go for the ones that hurt you are shooting outside the 80s Michael I mean Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat in the early 90s it's true I'm gonna go for the golden idol your tea oh very nice come on Mr. T show me Mr. T

survey says I've got no Mr. T what about A-Team in general try the A-Team come on A-Team someone has to have fan right it's possible that all of these were in the first book and he has a big spreadsheet

where he says I've done it so to be creative now I have to do this one he just writes all the references down and crosses them off now I have to get this next one in here he does Dolphin from SeaQuest he does make reference to the A-Team but as

like the tip top team the A-Team is back in action just like the old times but no one says I'm the Hannibal and I'm the face probably Van Halen that's pretty good I think that might be too cool for him he's cool in the 80s

Magnum PI is cool is he? no luckily I had the best guitar teacher imaginable a fully licensed hologram of the great Edward Van Halen circa the release of 1984 he was a taskmaster too

thanks to his tutelage I was starting to get pretty good then he turned to me and said you're even better than me Eddie Van Halen god damn you're the Van Halen now okay I'm going to cue up a Sean Babies book game

boom okay now this book game is from 60 sexy spells featured on 1900 hotdog and I'm going to pick a number between 1 and 60 and you're going to do this twice you're going to pick two spells to seduce me

and you're each going to do this and we'll see how it works so Michael as our guest pick a spell between 1 and 60 and remember you're trying to seduce me 47 my friend so 47 to scry information on the one you fancy

hell yeah now this one you use some candles some sandalwood incense and some beetroot juice and remember she has left something out so this is not going to work it's mer it's probably mer the best time to do it is the dark moon

the new moon or the full moon really any kind of moon should be fine really so you're going to want to look into the cauldron and then you'll see patterns emerging that concern me so you'll get some good intel on me but wait like I might just find out that you memorized that movie right

yeah you might just be like oh he really likes he really liked weird science as a child the book explicitly says this won't work though right that's the premise of the spells that it won't work well she says in the intro that she has left out a crucial ingredient that like we can puzzle through if we solve some sort of puzzle

she doesn't give the rules on so I'm just saying if you were a witch you'd know yeah if you were a witch you'd know so for the purposes of this game we'll assume it works and you solve that puzzle and you've cast the spell and now you're seeing hints

very vague hints of me so that's that's your spell so far so Brockway your turn to pick a spell oh we're in competition we're vying for your heart yeah 11 give me a number 11 okay number 11

I like that the premise of this game is that you will not fall to one spell we will need multiple spells to take you down you have some sort of magical this part has walls around it he's been burned before the spell number 11 is and I quote magical face mask

for a special date oh fuck yeah it's a face off spell yes this is a homemade a homemade facial so you're gonna have a nice glow on our date you use an egg some runny honey some lecithin some almond oil some time leaves and apple pips and

you're gonna have a nice smooth glow on our date not like I wouldn't call it a spell but I am holding a book of magic that does call it a spell it's just a face mask it just makes you look nice whereas I scryed I know something about you that's intimate

it's a bullshit it's not polyjuice potion it's just a home remedy for a facial mask it's just to cleanse your pores and exfoliate it's only face off in the sense that it makes you look like you traded faces with a guy who has

egg and apple pips all over his face that's it you're telling me my wife is a witch according to this book if she was to make her own facial mask out of this crap then yeah that would count as a spell I've always known you've never been able to prove it until right now

so far Michael has some information on me Vegas it might be in his cauldron and then Brockway has a nice glow to his skin he's looking pretty good he's having a good face day so pick a spell between 1 through 60 Michael and see what you're rounding this out with I will cleverly

use the classic prices right technique and defeat Robert with number 12 okay this is actually over quite powerful number 12 to get what you want that's all it says that's a good spell right there motherfucker and I know what you want

what are their other spells the title that should be the book the book should just be a pamphlet with that spell in it yeah I 100% agree it's it's just of this and variations on love potions and then a few home remedies for like shampoos

and face masks it's honestly I'm looking at this as simple as what it sounds like you put some messages in a bottle and buried in a tree after some sort of ritual and then you just get what you want so it's going to be tough to beat Brockway yeah fuck yeah beat that the

the crudely drawn images of myself and Sean that I stuffed in that tree are bound to come to pass unless there's a spell in there to kill a rival witch what if you pick one that's like yeah completely stop the energy all right

see if it works out for you all right if it's in there it's all down to this number 58 it's got to be towards the end number 58 if there was a spell that was like smite your opponent it's got to be later in the book mm-hmm that logic number 58 one enchanted

evening wow that's so this one is in the month of May sit with your loved one under a new moon and share an orange together hahahaha okay come on Michael can get anything he wants but you have invited me

to share an orange while you're having a really good face day I don't I can't even imagine a world where Michael doesn't win this so congratulations Michael Swam on winning Sean baby's book game Sean one time champion and thank you for the orange Robert

I had a really nice date but you're not being honest you came home and you split that orange with me baby you know where your bread is buttered you're just gonna ghost me after I found the best fucking orange in the world no bullshit it's a great orange

if he didn't have the spell they got him anything he wanted I mean I'd say it's one of the most magical nights I've ever had sweet orange versus anything you want by the way do you plan to play this book game again in the future because not this particular one okay good because 12 is

I think I just won you know what I mean like I broke that game nothing beats 12 everybody's just gonna come on and have Michael's picks out okay I spy on you to find out what you want and then I use get what you want boom I'm sucking Sean baby dick before dinner are you kidding me

well you're gonna have to get out of this blow jab machine yeah I think that's our out me and the tree have an understanding it's a good out but before we go yeah Michael it's a what would you like to plug good gentlemen you can find out everything I'm working on either by following

IGN generally but man they put out a ton of shit so the easiest way to find out the stuff that I'm most passionate about and and track me is patreon.com small beans yeah it's me and a bunch

of other X cracked folks so that's like our corner of I mean I feel like we're all basically sister operations gameplay unemployed one nine hundred hot dog you know Teresa Lee's got her thing going on but our little corner of that universe is called small beans

all right thank you very much and congratulations on our on winning my heart through the power of magic you're in love with me now so and then it feels good yeah I'm pretty happy with it it's not like a

it's not a terrible yearning it's just a nice warm glow in my heart it's tempered by quarantine but I think when quarantine lifts we will inevitably just go crazy on each other but that's for then not now I'm gonna tear you in half you're a tall big man

but I'm like a bear we're gonna break that blowjob machine together it's gonna be like a steam train coming at you gonna burst right through your spine one nine hundred one nine hundred one nine hundred

one nine hundred one nine hundred one nine hundred one nine hundred one nine hundred one nine hundred one nine hundred one nine hundred

one nine hundred one nine hundred one nine hundred one nine hundred This dog zone 9000 was made possible by contributions from hot dog Supremes like Dr. Awkward, Yossarian, Josh S, Zachary Evans, Adrian Hissle, Aidan Moat, Breanne Whitney, Josh Fabian, Armando Nava, Lyman, Toastiga, Neil Schaefer, Doug Redmond, Javer Al Eider, David Forna, Mike Stiles, Eric Spalding, the artist formerly known as Devin,

Hawk, Neil Bailey, Micah Phillips, Yannis Ionitis, Holly Hoisua, John McCann, Nick H, Matt Riley, Bria, Rich Jocelyn, Ken Paisley, Timmy Leigh, Dean Costello, Three Finger Louie, Nick Ralston, Zadarfane, Jamie Gordon, and Joe.