The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 100, Kumite the Home Game: Part 1

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

It's our 100th episode! Celebrate the traditional way: With liberal and vigorous Bloodsporting. We're playing Kumite: The Home Game, which is Bloodsport as a D&D campaign! Brockway is the Bloodmaster, Vanessa Guerrero is the Ninja Liar, Zak Koonce is the Karate Shaman, and Seanbaby, just like in real life, is the Unstoppable Kick Machine.

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast work. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone nine thousand, the official podcast of one nine hundred hot dog, your final home for comedy on the internet. I'm Robert Brockway and today I will be your blood master and your dungeon sport.

Today we're playing blood sport, the home game, which is the movie blood sport, but dungeons and dragons. It's based on the true story Frank Dukes made up. Blood sport is the best movie made by victims of a martial arts grift. Do you want to stand by that? The three delusional pillars that comprise Frank Dukes are unstoppable kick machine,

which is what he wants you to think he is. Karate shaman, which is the part of him that has over time come to believe his own lies and actually thinks he can do karate magic. And ninja liar, which is what he actually is, a sad, pathetic man, but my God, a fantastic con artist. He got blood sport made on lies. It was, it was incredible.

All three of those characters working together will make one Frank Dukes. Now, if this is ever ridiculous or confusing, if it seems absurd having one delusion of Frank Dukes help out like the embodiment of one of his lies, if it ever seems weird that Frank Dukes is arguing with himself about one of his own stories, please understand that's completely accurate

to the Frank Dukes experience. Your players today are Footmaster Sean Baby, who plays... Half kick, half kick, all kick. He's the unstoppable kick machine. I shouldn't have had to say that. I don't know why I did. It's insulting. Is there anything you want to plug today, Sean?

Oh, there's this great comedy website called 1900Hotdog.com. I've heard of it. I love it. If only there were a way to give it money. But we'll never know moving on. Forget it. Move on, move on. Zac Coons plays extra special poke wizard. Drank fucks.

I did a letter swap there. It's super clever. It is pretty clever. I love it. If you ever lose a goldfish, I will retrieve it with blinding speed and true belief in myself. And he is the karate shaman aspect. Lots of pressure point karate and chi moves. Anything that is magical based on your ability to punch,

I guess, is that's going to Zac and anything you want to plug today, Zac? Yeah, we're still pumping out episodes of Larry, which is our version of the Obi-Wan Kenobi show. Episode five should be out by the time you hear this, which means we got one more to go. And it's going to end strong, I think. So you should really check it out.

Only one more to go. I love old Larry Kenobi. He knows how to party. He does. He can't stop. I also just looked at Vanessa's player icon. I just tried to get him to laugh the whole time. It's really, it's needlessly beautiful. He doesn't deserve to be that glowing. Yeah, let me try to describe it.

It's Frank Dukes in his blue ninja karate gi with luxurious blonde hair with bangs, very thick bouncy bangs, bright red lipstick, some subtle rouge on his cheeks and very nice five o'clock shadow. Fun fact, I made that. I did not put rouge on his cheeks. Oh, that's just a natural blush of the ninja.

I told Vanessa that she had to send me her character art or I was just going to Photoshop or Wagon Lipstick on Frank Dukes. And there was a silence and then she said, okay, that's what we get. Speaking of Vanessa Guerrero has a black belt in scams. She is. I am Francine Dukes and I can bench press 500 pounds

without my anus prolapsing. And that's 100% true. Both parts of that are absolutely true. Her character is my favorite to come out of this in that she accidentally made a level 20 character when everybody else is supposed to be level five. And that's the perfect thing for Frank Dukes to do. So we're going to let that stand,

but she's going to roll everything with triple disadvantage and take triple damage. So it's just going to be a man who's lying about doing fantastical things. Although I'm going to assume at least once or twice one of those is going to happen and it's going to, that's it, like that's your blood sport moment when everybody has to be like, but something,

this must be something, right? You must have done one of these things. And that's the essence of Frank Dukes. I'm low key jealous about how well you nailed that in character, like on the character sheet. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much, truly. I, I playing a ninjitsu liar is all I've wanted to do my

entire life. And I say that without any sense of hyperbole as Vanessa, the truth teller and not Francine, the dirty liar. Did you go through space as a, as a young girl where you were a ninjitsu liar? Like I had a lot of ninjitsu liars at my school. Were you, were you one of them at your school? I definitely was the one that like was very hyperbolic

about my abilities. And I remember in Taekwondo class, which by the way, they embroidered the words motor mouth as my nickname on the back of it because of the sheer amount of times that I'd be like, I can kick that. I could punch that. I could take that guy and I'm like a small child. Born for this.

Yeah. It was great. My teacher was sick of me. Now, Sean, you said you had a lot of ninja liars at your high school. Were you one of them? I think I stopped lying about ninjitsu like around fourth grade.

I don't think I was like intentionally lying. I think we were just having fun. Right. Who knows how seriously anyone took me, but I mean, I was obsessed with karate. Like I saw karate kid and I was like, I'm just going to fucking master the crane kick. And that's just like what I did on recess.

I would kick the tire swing with the crane kick. And we got like a few people got into it. So we had like our own little like karate kid cult that I suppose looking back, I started. So I've been, I've been training for this. Not like Vanessa. I didn't like earn a taekwondo nickname. Right.

But like, but yeah, I had a karate cult in third grade. So that's almost as good as a nickname. That's better. We had something similar. It turned it, it unfortunately dissolved into a basically a gang war. I was not proud of myself for this, but because we're like they count Dante of your school.

Basically, we were just having some fun. My karate nerd friends and I were just like shadow karateing out in the playground and some other people took an interest in it. And they were like, what are you guys doing? And they're like, well, we're on teams and we're just fighting each other's teams with karate. And they're like, I want to do that too.

And then it went too far and people started taking it way too seriously. And suddenly you would get like jumped in the bathroom because you're on the wrong team. And I'm like, bro, I started this. You started a karate war. I started a karate war. Yeah.

My God, the qualifications in this podcast. This is truly the perfect array of people. And I'm the idiot child that believed you all until this very day. I'm still telling people about the Ninja Liars from my school. Like there was one kid who jump kicked a man in half, like straight in half.

This other friend of his saw it. Those two halves go on to start rival gangs. They both just pledged their allegiance to him. Totally unrelated to this, but just as a follow up. My favorite game, dangerous playground game we created was we got all the biggest guys and all the littlest guys and paired them up and played joust with each other. I was a very small individual.

So I was known for my good stiff arms. So I would write on another Zach oddly enough. Zach Mosier was bigger than me. So I got on his shoulders. Zach master. Zach master. Zachster master. Charge full speed into another joust mount and just we just

tried to blast each other off of their mounts. It didn't last very long. Somebody broke some permanent tooth enamel damage happened. That's not that serious. That's how every game ends. That's regular 80s shit. That is the win condition when somebody gets too hurt to continue and then you never do it again.

It's kind of hard to picture karate ending any other way. Like, like, you don't just play karate and say like, okay, guys, that's thanks for the karate. Like you do it until something terrible happens. So your spirit is broken or bone. Something. Yeah, someone's mom is mad. Yeah, you can tell this game is going to go well because

this is all technically Vanessa's plug. Would you like to plug something? Oh, I forgot. Yeah. I used a podcast called the kicking and screaming podcast where we take horror movies and martial arts movies and then we make them kiss because we think they go very well together. We actually recently just did a double feature of basket

case, which is about a guy with an evil twin and double impact, which is about two band dams. And that's maybe one of my favorite double features. We've done in a minute and this great movie called baby assassins that we paired with the tragedy girls. So if you like genre and you like punching and stabbing, we talk about all of that. And it's very much just like hanging out with your friends

in a lobby after a movie. But it's me. It is the perfect podcast idea and I'm often jealous of it. Thank you. Good name. Good idea. And sounds like a lot of fun and is a lot of fun. Good job.

I'm still Robert Brockway and I'd like to plug our story by our shirts. By the time you're listening to this, most of them are either about blood sport or we have forgotten the store again. Equally likely. Equally likely. We begin as all great stories do. Within a crotch.

You are two testicles. I roll to kick. You are two testicles and a penis. I'll let you decide amongst yourselves, which is which. Well, ladies first. Okay. I think I'm going to be the dick because that's the organ.

It's the most frequently light about. That's perfect reason. Interesting. I'll go left nut because I feel like that's where all the creativity comes from. They do say. They do say you're left nutted if you're an artist or a creative.

I'm going to also go left nut. We're going to have two left nuts if you don't mind. It's amazing that you've actually called this. They do both hang down on one side. Nice. So you're doing normal genital things. You're bouncing around. You're itching.

You're sticking to thighs. It's a happy and peaceful existence here in this shady old crotch, which is kind of like the shire to your hobbits. Give me some flavor. What are you doing in a crotch village here? I'm gently resting on top of my boys. That's getting me going.

I am fucking generating some little boys. Some little boys. Yeah, I'm filling myself up. We're going off later tonight. I know it. I feel it. We're due. I am just stressing the hell out, trying to prevent

torsion, which is a constant threat when you're both of your nuts are on the same side. Yeah, both on the same side. You got like rotational. And I feel like I'm the only one that cares about it. And I often express that out loud. I'm with you, but not like. Give me a dexterity save.

Which one of us? All of you. All of you have. All of you have a dexterity save and I'm going to apply a negative five to both of you, except for. Zach. He's okay. I feel like that high anxiety is keeping you ready.

I'm just, I'm just clicking the dexterity button on my sheet. Yep. Go ahead. All right, let's do it. Look at these roles. Great saves. Damn.

Negative five to all of those puts you at a 13, a 12 and a. And is that a three or nine? Oh, it's a four. I thought I wasn't getting a negative five. Right. So you're, you are at a 17. Okay. So you're at a 17.

You're going to survive this. However, the, the, your other two are completely obliterated by a comet. Just an absolute maddening impact. The Tunguska airburst. That's you. You're, you're the 100 miles of forest. We're playing a dick and balls and we just got hit by a

comet. And you just got hit by a comet. And it's absolutely cold open. I've ever. Okay. So I've burned up like a, like a little wick or a shoelace in a fire. Yes.

You have just utterly evaporated and it's just, there's a weird thing about it though. It's unlike any comet you have ever known. It is made of flesh and it's attached to something more flesh. It is a fist connected to a wrist, which leads to an arm, which leads to a Van Damme who is screaming while doing the full lateral splits.

Welcome to Bloodsport, the home game. It was a fine death. My dick and ball friends. I'm hearing the, the fight club opening theme music from the desk brothers, just with that, that microscopic camera movement pulling out. It's perfect. It's like uncut gems in a vas deferent.

We open in Kowloon, Walled City, a no man's land of dense high rises, grown together into a single impenetrable mass. Anything goes in Kowloon, Walled City, drugs, prostitution, gambling, blood sporting at its heart, a vast arena is being cleaned by industrious karate maintenance engineers. One man sweeps the ring. He will be weirdly important for reasons we will never understand.

Let's say Zach, Zach is going to give me a role plus we'll just mentally add 10 to it. Okay. Because you survive. This is your rewards for being the sole surviving part of that crunch. A free floating nut with no body attached to it. Oh, no, no, the body price still exists.

What am I rolling? Just a d20. Just give me a straight up d20. Just a d20. All right. Here it goes. Oh, yeah. A 12 plus 10, 22.

That's how important this janitor is. He is 22 important. That was a vital role. Thank you for doing it. My pleasure. I hope we get a lot of weird close-ups of him during this blood sport tournament. For a 22, we're going to have a weird subplot where he like

steals a human tooth. It's going to be insane. Yeah, that'd be great. Okay. Real conspiratorial look while he puts it in his pocket. Well, hold on. He didn't get a 25. Let's not go nuts.

Fair enough. We meet our fighters in the opening fighter montage. Chong Li, who has magnificent tits for a man. That's not fair. Magnificent tits for a human. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah.

Maybe average tits for an ape, but on a man majestic. He is kicking ice blocks in half to make karate margaritas. A rich white man kicks boards while a butler holds his coat. So now you know who not to root for. It's that guy. A black man. Oh, no. Crawls up a tree like a monkey to chop coconuts in half.

Quick. We need to move on. Vanessa, what's your intro montage action? What are you doing? Uh, my intro montage action is to directly make eye contact with that janitor and try and tell him through my eyes that I'm go. Oh, no. Sorry.

The butler holding the coat and tell him through my eyes that his day is coming. Kill the butler. That's both. All right. Yeah. He drops the coat and he just runs and now that guy's going to have to fight in a dirty coat.

Perfect. Chinese kung fu artists fight and it sort of looks like dancing. Capoeira fighters dance and it sort of looks like fighting. Zach, your intro montage action. Uh, I am just facing wave after wave of willing. Participant who just run into my fingertips and just completely collapse and sometimes fly completely backwards at the slightest touch from my, my clearly superior attacks.

And this is like, this is an honor to, to sprint into your fingers and be shot across the room. And then it will, it's going to pan out through the glass and you're going to see that I'm next to a lens crafters and a dentist at your, at your strip mall. Of course. And the lens crafters is just, just overjoyed to have these destroyed karate bodies flying through their wall and exploding

their glasses. It's an honor. It just, just goes to show how durable their frames are. It's a selling point. If anything, it's a symbiotic relationship and survive hurled karate opponents hurled by karate magic. A beefy boy throws sloppy haymakers at a bag. One of his gym rats asks, uh, you going to Hong Kong?

I heard him get killed at that kumite. This is like a golds fitness. Like everyone in this low rent American gym knows about the secret deadly kumite because it's, it's up there on the cork board next to jazz or size for the ladies. Sean, your intro montage action. I am laying down a bed of spikes. I put myself into a trance and then I lay chest up and invite

my friend to drive over me with a motorcycle. Demonstrating my inability to be harmed when I've entered my karate trance. And you're so lucky. You're the one aspect of him that is actually the functional delusion. So you survive that. It's amazing.

Fantastic. A sumo guy, his body and impossibility. He has a fat six pack. This shouldn't be possible, but it's there. He lifts punching bags and throws them at smaller men laughing uproariously. He is immediately your favorite character, but don't get too attached.

We know how his crotch is story ends. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. Everything has a victim, man. You got to think about the human costs. Frank Dukes, who here. Who here as in all his dating profiles for the next 50 years

looks like Jean-Claude Van Damme throws fancy roundhouse kicks at a speed bag. We are in what looks like a karate gym in the corner of an airplane hanger. Because you need to know immediately without any words being spoken that this guy you're looking at is something army, something karate. It's truly beautiful filmmaking.

PFC Westley with a T, Swetnowski. His friends call him sweats, but he doesn't have any friends. He wanders up like he's at a junior high prom and he's going to ask you guys dance even though he knows you're going to say gross. The Colonel needs to see you before you leave on furlough. You found out you're using your vacation days to kumite again.

Oh, now we decide what to do. All of us. All of us. Okay. Yeah. Well, we have to explode the bag before we answer. Yeah. I was going to say kick that speed bag.

Yeah. Fantastic. And since it's your idea, you're going to give me the roll. Give me an attack roll. All right. Let me find out how to do that. Is that supposed to be on my main character sheet? Yeah.

Just any attack, whatever you would use to attack. Okay. Unarmed strike, I guess, or if you have a weapon. Acrobatics. Acrobaticist. Sure. We'll go with that. It is 12.

Okay. Well, the roll was never to see if you hit the speed bag as your movie. Of course, you're going to hit it. It's to see whether that moment was cool or not. And it's a little cool. Yeah. It's like, sweats over here is going to go, huh, not bad.

Like, by all rights, this man, this just, this quarter of a man at best should be worshiping your feet for being able to kick at all, much less the speed bag, but it's all right. It works okay. And are you going to, are you going to listen to him chastise you when you have anything to respond with? If not, you're just going to follow him. I'm going to try to charm him into thinking that I need to take a shower because I'm so dirty.

You can just tell how hard I've been working at a glance. All right. Give me that. Give me that spell roll. Is that a charm? Spell roll. Okay. Oh yeah.

Spells. Charm person. Here we go. I'm going to click it. Okay. It's a DC 14. So let's go find out what sweats is going to do. A wisdom save does sweats doesn't seem like the guy that has a lot of wisdom to him.

I feel like this is, this is going to be pretty easy. He's a PFC. That means he's one better than a private. He's not, it's like the yellow belt of the army. Yeah. Yep. He got a two. Oh yeah.

He bought it. He's fucking buying what I'm selling. You're going to get a shower, Frank. All right. So can I, can I hold you towel? You know what? He thinks about it for a little bit and then he decides, actually, that was pretty fucking cool.

What you're doing with that bag. Thank you. Thank you for saving me. I was like, oh, that's a little too, I didn't mean to charm you that hard. But you know what? What's done is done. All right. And you're going to convince him to take you to the showers.

Yes. Are we supposed to follow the plot of the movie because like, I know we escape out the window. I've seen. Right. I'm playing it safe right now, but I feel like we do have freedom to wander. Right. Yes. This is going to be our version of Bloodsport.

We kick our way out of this place. I'm just starting off easy and familiar. If we kick enough people to death, Forrest Whitaker cannot chase us. We'll eventually get to Forrest Whitaker. Right. Like this doesn't end with you guys like in the White House overthrowing the presidency. This still is going to be Bloodsport, but yeah, you're going to approach that however you want.

We're going to try to take you to the showers and I fully expected you to kill him for that, but this works out great. Nice. We didn't need to kill if we didn't have to. All right. Well, it's fine. You need a shower, one look at sweats and you'll never skip a shower again. However, he drops you off before heading into the shower.

You have to fuck with sweats one time. It's like inherent to his being like nobody leaves a room with sweats in it without fucking with them a little bit. So how are you going to fuck with them? I'm going to pee in his shampoo bottle. Fantastic. And anybody else? X kick.

Oh, you're going to murder it. Where are we? We're going to drop it on his shoulder like, you know, Kyoko Shin style. Try to dislocate it. I do like that. We go for the Vulcan nerve kick. All right. Give me give me an attack role to kick this poor man who looks like he's barely existing

like he. Oh my God. That's super. Yeah. No way. Kick that bitch in half. Yeah. So he is completely charmed by you, by the way.

He thinks you guys are great. And you take to the showers and you turn around and say, like, oh, one more thing. And then you ask kick his arm so hard, it just falls to the ground. Oh, Jesus. Is he still charmed? It was my Maserati arm, but don't worry. I don't use it. He's cool about this, right?

Okay. Yeah. He's having a lot of trouble existing even more so than usual. And if you need like a reference point, watch this movie. This poor guy in this role is the sweatiest and saddest man I've ever seen. He keeps being in this movie so much. And you just ax kicked his arm like right in half. Wonderful.

Wonderful. He's the one that has to narc Frank Dukes. And he just drew the short straw on that one. There's no way anybody wanted to do that. He's doing sweet fucking kick routines in the corner of the gym. All right. So you hit the military showers. If you examine these drains, you'd find testosterone, America, semen, human growth

hormone, the keys to a 1986 TransAM with 1700 miles on it because the owner is never here to get it, but you got to spend that signing bonus on something. America and semen four more times. This is a shower for men brutal in its efficiency, faded blue tiles, rattling pipes, a large square room with shower heads lining the walls, a series of benches in the middle, steam holes lining the room at chest height, a six by six squares looking out into the hallway, a rack of towels sits against the wall by the only exit, a heavy steel door shut tight and guarded by PFC sweats.

That it's orders that he guard you while your shower, but it's not the first time he said that to you. It's not even the fifth time he said that to you. Right, right. The shower fixtures themselves are bent at weird angles. Some seem to have two hot knobs, some too cold and some have neither. There was either no rhyme or reason to how this was put together or a maddening amount of rhyme and a dangerous amount of reason.

There's one other person in there, a much older veteran standing under the farthest door from the door. What do you do? I guess I'm you're describing your shower. Oh, I should probably roll to resist athlete's foot as the feet. Yeah. All right, give me their role. All right, sort of that the constitution check.

Sure. 13. Yeah, you don't get athletes foot, but you get some shower stank in there. You went into this barefoot, which is real rookie mistakes. Can I try approaching him and like starting a conversation, but I put my arm around him while we're both naked and he's like not prepared for that. Oh, that's the military veteran or are you going to go for sweats? The military veteran.

Sure. That's an alpha. That's an alpha move. Yeah. Just like, hey man, how's it going? And then I put like a big wet arm around him. You are going to take, let's see. It's also very Jean-Claude to just do really homoerotic stuff without like actually being

homoerotic. Just like we're like crossing like physical boundaries with another man. Yeah. Yeah. Like when he gave Danny Trejo a foot massage. Yeah. Okay. So you can do it, but you're going to take four damage because you didn't look at the

water first and judging by the steam. It's scalding hot and he is just scrubbing himself and muttering something quietly. Okay. So the side of my face is welting up in the hot water, but I'm like, but she got an arm around him. But I got an arm around him and I'm just like, hey man, what are we going to do about private sweats here? He's muttering to himself.

Call you a hero. Call you a hero. You kill 100 men. They call you a hero, huh? Jumped in that trench and mowed down 100 men with that machine gun. They call you a hero. You're really a hero to me. I tell you at night, it doesn't feel heroic.

Not tonight. Not heroic at all. Man, I always feel hurt when I talk to you. I feel like based on the temperature of the shower, I need to train in it to gain boiling hot water resistance. So I feel like I'm now more incentivized to share the shower with this clear just instrument of destruction. All right.

In the purposes of the game, you're all one person, but not in action. So let's get, let's get more bodies under the shower. Let's do it. Yeah. Let's just, yeah, let's all get in there. Well, I agree with that completely. I'm going to roll a dexterity check to do the splits. That's a big roll.

One, two, three. That's your splits. Actually, I think they probably go higher than your body, like higher than, you know, completely horizontal. All right. So Zach, you're going to take seven scalding damage. Okay. And you know what?

With that 23, you're not going to take any damage at all. You're going to somehow do the splits over the water and you're going to wedge yourself in there. Like you're waiting to ambush an oblivious ninja who's going to walk beneath you and get just crotch bombed to oblivion. Training complete. The veteran is just completely unresponsive to all of this. He's still murdering just a hundred men.

He's lost a hundred men with a machine gun, a hundred men with a machine gun. Now, I don't know what you're going to do with this information, but I believe at some point, Frank Dukes does relay the story of how he killed a hundred men with a machine gun. Yeah. We're taking in all of that to tell later as if it's our story. Yeah. This is, this is your chance because you took this moment to bond with this man, you steal

his valor. Mark I's stolen valor. Everybody. Put that in my inventory here. Yep. Put that in your inventory. The heroism of a broken man. And items.

And then do you want us to do you notate the damage on here too, since it does an auto update? Yeah. You've got to manually put your damage in. All right. What else are you going to do? You know, you're going to have your shower, which I guess you've already done with this poor veteran.

How are you going to get away from PFC sweats and to the kumite before the colonel choose you out for it? Ooh. I want to make a big, stupid lofty throw by doing an actual big, stupid lofty throw and throwing the guy whose valor I am stealing at sweats. And I want to like judo throw him over my head into sweats and then take off running naked. Okay.

You want to steal door between you two? But of course I'll allow it. It's just going to be a rough roll. I think you can clear it. Yeah. We just throw him through the door. Yeah. Give me an athletics roll for that.

This is a ninja bullshitter throwing, right? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. This is an athletics roll. An American hero you're throwing, of course. With a 23 again. Huge.

Huge. All right. So you lift him out of his punishing shower of repentance and you whip that bitch straight into the steel door. It explodes out and further crushes sweats who again was still trying by you and would have just walked away if you would ask him to. The least use out of a charm spell anybody has ever gotten. He is completely crushed and I'm just going to say dead.

You've destroyed this poor man and yeah, both of them, both of them are dead. He never came back from the war. Everybody who has ever stood against around or on top of Frank Dukes is now dead. So according to him anyway, and that's what this game is according to him. So yeah, fantastic work on this shower. Take a shower. This is a crazy foot idea maybe, but do you think we should take his skin to use as a disguise in our ensuing escape?

That's the best idea I've ever heard. I'm glad you like it. Sweats or the the hardened veteran? I feel like the hardened veteran is the better skin to test. That's going to be the yeah, because he's easier to impersonate now that we've stolen his valor specifically. Also can we loot? Let's loot the other the PFC to see if he has any valor worth taking.

Yeah, you can go through them and there is a little bit of valor to the time he stood up to his grade school bully and was immediately and severely beaten and sent to the hospital. You can take that if you want. Okay. Well, yeah. Absolutely. Mark, a moment of foolish childhood. Two Valors.

All right. So I got two Valors. Yeah. Got two Valors. Not too bad, guys. And you and you let me hold it. Let me get this right. You're going to skin of dead veteran.

100%. We're going to walk around with a pocket full of veteran skin. What? No man left behind. We're taking him with us. What role do you think you would give me to skin a veteran? That's probably dexterity, right? Who's got high dexterity?

No, this is going to be a skill role. This is a skill role. Okay. You know what? Medicine? It might be survival. Survival makes sense. Okay.

Like as though you would skin an animal in a survival situation. Oh, I've got plus six on mine. I rolled a 20 and you rolled a 20 pretty big numbers tonight. I was born to do this. Also immediately forgotten about Francine's rules, which is that she rolls triple disadvantage. Give me just just out of curiosity. Give me two more athletics rolls, Francine. Oh, me two more athletics rolls.

Got it. Doot, doot, doot. One more. All right. You would have made it anyway. I really tried to make it so that we didn't skin a veteran in the first few minutes of the podcast. But here we are with a 20.

There's more than one way to do it. With a 20, we'll keep it classy. With a 20 and it's Tarantino Liefeld who does it. I'm guessing you're, since you're mostly just foot skills, you're going to somehow skin them with your feet. Yeah. I don't clip my toenails a lot. Oh, God.

That's our most natural. Can I help with chi to somehow make it a bloodless, you know, knock his skin off with a dim mock? Oh, I like that. No, no, no. We could cut still. We could still go in. Okay.

We could use the survival roll. I'm just going to keep it clean. All right. I'm going to use chi. Hold on. If you dim mocked his skeleton out of his body, then we'd just be left with the skin. Right, right. All right.

I'm going to roll for a dim mock the skeleton out of the body then. That's a great idea that I wish I came up with. Oh, like fish. Yeah. Like when you dim mock a fish and knock all these guys out of the bed. Yeah. I'm going to debone him with chi punches. Yeah.

So that's going to be, let me look at my actions. What the hell is the chi punch? I'm thinking that's going to be my first Eldritch Blast. Eldritch Blast is more of four attacks. This is, you're not going to miss this guy, so it's not something that you would hit him with. Okay. This is a medicine roll.

Okay. This is a medicine roll? Karate medicine. There's no specifier that says karate on the D&D sheet, but it's karate medicine. Karate medicine? Is that a skill? Where do I find that? Oh yeah, it is, but wisdom.

Yeah, it's linked to the wisdom. All right. Hold on. God damn it. All right. I'm looking at the skills menu. Yeah. You just click on.

Click on medicine. Yeah, and it should give you a little dice prompt or whatever. There it is. All right. 17. All right. That's the best goddamn roll. Yeah, this is a successful de-boning if I, uh, yes.

The lowest like actual action roll any of you have gotten so far is Francine with an 11. You're just allowed to do whatever the fuck you want, which I guess, yeah, in the realm of Frank Dukes' lies, which is the realm that you live in. This makes sense. So, yeah, you pressure point his blood, his blood points, the points in the body that dictate blood, and you have a just a flawless, immaculate veteran skin. You could, you could put this on. We also have a full skeleton if I'm not mistaken.

Yes, separately, if you would like to make use of every part of buffalo. I don't know why we wouldn't, but I can't tell you what we would do with it yet. It's just, it's a, it's a perfect disguise. And if anybody sees you passing by, they will only see a nude veteran, nothing suspicious, just a man they've disappointed as a society. Right. It is best friend, the perfect skeleton. And his skeleton, best friend.

All right. Are you guys, are you guys just going to murder everybody on this base or are you heading out to the, heading out to the Fumitay? Yeah. We're playing this like we, we just hit save on our game and now we're just going nuts because this isn't our real save file anymore. I can't believe all of this work. I would like to go back to give you some clever solutions to the puzzle you did not take.

You didn't even think about taking. It's wonderful. You could have, when you looked at the towels, the towels are, I don't want to say racist white, but there's a problem with the color white they are. They are Navajo white and you could have clothed yourself in them instead, instead of a perfect veteran skin, which Sean has just made an item for so that he can perfect veteran skeleton. I'm sorry. Right.

We got both. You got both. You could have just used the towels instead of the skin of a veteran, but that's, it's your, everybody solves problems differently. The holes that were six by six feet every two feet, you could just barely reach through to touch PFC sweats and could have pressure pointed him instead of crushing him to death with a door underneath a throne, a throne veteran. There was a shower head and, and handle puzzle that I was going to punish you for taking,

but I didn't have to. Obviously, I never had to, I had to scold you for, for trying to do a puzzle in blood sport. It never occurred to you. And that's perfect. We didn't even attempt to use the shower in any way. Yeah. And we have a very, very clean skin we can put on.

Right. Right. It's showered. So you're both spotless skins now that you, uh, yeah, now that once again, you have skin to that poor old man. And I made a whole character sheet for a PFC Wesley sweats in case you got into a fight with him. Didn't use that one either.

So this is a learning experience for me. This is extremely D&D and blood sport. I agree. It's, it's great. It's great that you're shitting on my entire already, I'm already changing my whole opinion on D&D through this, just this shower alone. All right. You were on your way to the kumite, but first you must pay honor to your shidoshi, a made-up

term based on misunderstood Japanese. But this is 1988 when you could just say anything, my God, anything, and what were they going to do? Check? Nobody could check shit. It was pure freedom. It was the promised land for grifters and I was born in the wrong time. It's just, it's unjust that I had to be born when you could check lies just instantly.

Everybody can check a lie in their pockets. Society is bullshit. Okay. You're at your shidoshi's, your shidoshi's dojo. Shidoshi Tanaka lives in the American suburbs. But like all Japanese people, he has made his house unmistakably Japanese so you can immediately spot a foreigner if you need to find one in a hurry. It's all maples and cherry blossoms, sand gardens and koi ponds, male boxes, polished

wood with that intricate joinery. The trellis is a torii gate. You aggressively get it. He is Japanese. Mrs. Tanaka answers the door, still looking pretty good at whatever Masiri is aged. She could, I'm glad I didn't have to say it. Yeah, she looks exactly like she did when you were a teenager because they used the same actress.

And this, this is weird, but one of you, no, all three of you give me, give me a charisma role. All right. Whoa. Oh, your first bad roles. Right. What is happening? I've never seen my whole thing.

Disadvantage. So give me three charisma roles. We'll take the lowest. I just walk up to Mrs. Tanaka and burp in her mouth, trip and then catch myself on one of her titties. 23, we're going to take that 13. All right. Well, with the 13, Francine's 13, Mrs. Tanaka is kind of into you.

She gives you, she's about as impressed with you as sweats was when you kicked that bag. Like, huh. Like honestly, you looking like Van Damme in 1988, she should just be just splush. She should be slipping, sliding to that door. But instead she's like, all right, not bad. So there's sexual tension here. Is that already? Yeah.

A little bit. You did this to yourself. All right. I would like, can we go? Sure. Is there more scene to set up before I just, you know. Or just burning sexual tension. Yeah.

I've right into this tension. You're just going to try to rail her right here. No. It's so thick. I got to start to swim in it, you know. You enter the Tanaka home, noting with pride that the inside is also immediately powerful, orfully Japanese as it should be. Nobody adapts in 1988.

Every home is an embassy. You see a katana, not the kitchen katana, or even the living room katana, and certainly not the guest katana they keep in the foyer for undress guests who arrive without a katana. This is a special katana. It really takes you back. I roll a perception roll because I wanted to see the sword. You will get there. I'll let that carry.

It takes you back to a time when you were a shitty teenager with not just a French accent, but specifically Andre, the Giants French accent. Now you're each going to give me that accent. You're not good to go to Gabs. Uh-huh. Really good. If you expect me to be his punching bag, you can forget it. And Francine.

All right. You're not good to go to the Gabs. I feel like I offended someone. Yeah. Yeah. Probably. And now I think, I think Zach's was the best of Zach. You're going to give me another charisma roll.

All right. This is, let's do better this time. This is one of my biggest numbers. All right. 13. That's not great. Now I want everybody to do that accent again, but amped up by 13. Oh, shit.

I'm just going to really quickly look out my window to make sure it is ready. No passing. No passing. TMZ is not walking by. All right. Here we go. You're not good to go to the Gabs. Great.

I wanted to see the forward. Pretty good. I don't know if that's 13 better, but pretty good. That's definitely still cancellation level though. Yes. If the French had the power to cancel people, we would all, we would all regret this by now. You can do it.

There you go. She will be doing the accent. Very nice. Very nice. No, I won't make you do the amped up version. I had to do it from the back of my throat. It sounded like it touched my tongue to the back of my throat. I physically reacted to that so much that I knocked that wire out of my headphones.

Radio silent there for a second. No, you would be dead if we tried to stick to that. No. So you three are a weirdly accented Francantine who visibly hates being in this movie. And you are stealing this sword with a group of fellow shitty teens. And Sean has rolled 16 perceptions. So he wants to see the sword. And you know what?

It's a sweet sword. This being 1988 and you being, I guess some sort of Frenchman that doesn't exist. You don't know shit about swords, but you're like, oh, it's pretty cool. Yeah. Good role. Okay. Good. I'm really enjoying the sword.

That's exactly what you're doing when a very small child beats the ever loving shit. Hold on. A very small child beats the ever loving shit. Give me a minute. I got to load your shit getting beaten. Beats the ever loving shit out of you sort of with his Frank Dukes kick. It is an attack that only works on teenage Frank Dukes and no other children. Surely that will come in handy later.

Tanaka himself catches you being just mercilessly destroyed by his tiny, tiny son and says you cannot get katana sword by stealing. It is very special sword. You must earn it. And then he cuts the bill off of your hat like a fucking psychopath. Give me a reaction. Well, give me a dexterity save Vanessa because you did the best accent. Sweet.

All right. And then I rolled dexterity three times. Yes. Okay. Maybe we'll just do it twice if it's going to be this goddamn slow. It's faster this time. All right. Five.

Yikes. You did not flinch. Yeah. You still there like a blocking spirit. You didn't exactly what we wanted. Yeah. There was a whole failure state for if you succeeded. You didn't flinch.

You have warrior spirit or you're just dense as fuck. Either way, he wants to goddamn slow this big block of wood who does not react to threats in any way. So he sits down with your parents and says you came to America to grow vine. I came to grow fish. We both grow children. You use science to make vines grow better like vines. Children need training.

Martial science provides this training. So Tanaka has. What do you mean by martial science? Should have let you do the paranax and yeah. Tanaka proposes a bargain to your parents. They will sell him your body, which he will use to feed his own child's boundless rage in exchange for nothing. He will teach you nothing.

They agree. It is time to enter a different flashback within this flashback. Only this one also has several flash forwards and multiple montages. Some of which, but not all are flashbacks. So it's perfect filmmaking. Yeah, I'm going to need you each. Are we taking damage in the present from the memories of this damage? Well, what you're taking, I'm going to need you each to roll wisdom saving throws.

And this is to see how unmyred in time you will become at each level of flashback inception. And this will last one. There you go. This will dictate your penalty on future montage rolls. So I got, oh, this is some good rolls. Well, we brought the, we brought fat brains with us. All right. I remember this when I wanted to see the sword.

No damage. You are, you are down with the multiple time skips this time. Nice. First flashback. It is a beautiful day. And you like all teens in the 1980s are in the backyard arena of a strange Japanese man because your parents think it builds character. His son is beating the ever-loving shit out of, hold on.

That's the sound of him just beating the ever-loving shit out of you. This guy expects us to be his punching bag. He can't forget it. He can. Absolutely. All right. He uses, you won't believe this. He uses kick again.

Yeah. It's an attack that only works on you, but it does work on you every time. Yeah. He's beating the ever-loving shit out of you. However, that roll, the one damage does not dictate the fight. It dictates how racist he is after. So after he's done beating you up, he says, one to five is pretty good. He says, you fight like your puppeteer is sneezing.

It's not bad. It's not a bad burn. I'm not quite sure how that's racist. It's not. He only rolled a one. Yeah. He rolled a one. It's racist, but it doesn't translate outside of his own brain.

Yes. He could have said, give it up around I, which is what he said in the movie. Pretty racist. Yeah. That's the next level. A level up from that is whites just don't have the fast twitch crotch muscle fibers for karate. Yeah.

And his most racist level was, hey, pretty good for some drunk frog struggling through carb death. So we get, we've really lucked out getting the low racist role. Yeah. A Shadoshi Tanaka laughs while notably not teaching you anything. Are you just going to take that? He can forget it. If he expects us to be a punching bag, yeah, he can forget it.

I'm going to fucking kick Tanaka. Oh, shit. This memory just took a left turn. I'll fucking kick your dick because I know he's got that Frank Dukes kick that only works on me. I think Shadoshi Tanaka. Yeah. I don't know if he has it.

He's great against hat, but I am hatless and ready this time. All right. Give me that. Give me that attack role. All right. Give me this role to attack the memory of yours and say 11 on our strike. That does not hit Shadoshi Tanaka. God damn it.

He has all the ancient wisdom of karate, which gives him a 12 armor class. That's what it gets you. It gets you a 12. It's not hard. So now you take a big air ball of a kick at him and he knocks you over and says, you are not Japanese. You will not question my methods. And you continue to be meat for Shingo's hungry, hungry fists.

We flash forward. Give me a wisdom role, everybody. Fuck. Seven for DrankFooks. 11 for Tarantino Liefeld. And a six for Francine Ducks. Seven. And I will make you breathe.

It's always the third one. It's always the third one that ekes through. All right. Well, maybe we'll start doing just double. We'll see how that plays out. But anyway, six does not make it. So I need the both of you to mark Chronostamage. Mark Chronostamage points.

Just, just a single tally. We will use them later in the montage. You've both taken one. Okay. Chronostamage. Chronostamage. Does that just get marked as regular damage? Just mark it as one.

Just make a single mark somewhere. Remember, you've got one so far. Okay. We flash forward. You are in a 1980 school parking lot, which means there are no laws and nobody's watching you. You genuinely really could die here. Actually, several children already have their corpses littering the parking lot waiting

for families to claim them, but only one will. This was the 1980 school experience. Three larger boys are beating the ever-loving shit out of Shingo. They don't have names in the movie, so I've named them after my own childhood bullies. There is Prep School Micah in his immaculate polo. What kind of child wears a polo? I tell you. There's weird Peter with his half of a mullet.

And there's Rat Tail Jeremy who has, let's be fair, a pretty sweet rat tail. And they're beating the ever-loving hell out of Shingo. I'm sorry. You had to go through that. Robert. Yeah, no problem. I just, I live the rest of my life trying to get some sort of vicarious revenge. Micah is a pretty 80s name too.

I don't know any Micahs right now. I think they all died. Yeah, they're dying. It's an exclusively 80s name. Yeah. Yeah. I like to think that the best revenge is living well and having your enemies die. That's how that old saying goes.

And all Micahs are dead. They're all dead. Or they go by Micah. We're not shit. Yeah. We're beating the shit out of Shingo. And you, the awkward goddamn Frankenstein, you are three times the size of everybody else.

What do you do? We execute the moves that the Tanaka's swore we would never master. So you're going to intervene. Yeah. Well, yeah, just for fun though. We don't even know Shingo's there. We just see Fred and we just. It's not for Shingo.

This is for young Robert Brockway. Well, you see. This is memory. This is for you. So you see a child wearing a polo shirt, half of a, half of a mullet like they didn't have the courage and a rat tail and you, you attack. Okay. Yeah.

I'll use that role. You are actually lower in the initiative. They're all going to go first if you're, if you're, if you're jumping in, they get to go first. Okay. Fair enough. In that case, since they're going first and we're not attacking first, can I roll for intimidation to do that?

Like really unsettling high pitch scream that every child is capable of when they like are about to engage in violence at all. When it's your turn. Hell yeah. Absolutely. You can. All right. Prep school.

Micah is going to use trick kick. Let's see if he hits. He gets a 16 and he does two infuriating damage. Micah pretends like he's going to pass you the soccer ball and then kicks it in your face at the last second. Everybody laughs. Even Aaron Meyer, who you thought liked you. This is, this is getting dark.

This is devastating. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. It's not like a true story or anything. But you have taken, let's say Tarantino because you rolled for first attack. You've taken the two infuriating damage. Two infuriating. Okay. Yes.

Next up in the order is Shingo. He is going to use, he's going to use Frank Duke's kick. This is his attack that only works on teenage Frank Dukes and no other children. You won't believe it. It doesn't work. It, he does nothing. He just destroyed you a giant many, many times and he was totally helpless to these three weird kids who are as exact same size.

Now it is weird Peter, the child with half a mullet and he is going to use, oh my God. He is going to use Kitty Compromat. Weird Peter tries to goad you into striking him while a friend records from the bushes. You have disadvantage on all strength based checks or attacks for the rest of this terrible birthday party. Not a true story. Don't worry about it. Okay.

Okay. We're not worried about it. Yeah. You're just exceptional writer with a wonderful imagination. Yeah. I know. I'm pretty, I'm pretty cool these days. I'm the blood master.

I'm the blood master now. All right. Rat tail Jeremy's up. He's going to use dribble Dutch Jeremy and his stupid friends with their capable bodies keep passing a basketball between your legs until you trip on it and each shit. You are prone until you use your movement to stand up and run to the bathroom for the rest of recess. Good.

That was a good play. And that's a you. I mean, sorry. Van Damme made the right call. Sports damage. Who's taking that? Well, actually, no, hold on. He got a four.

So that's even for them. That's going to miss. Okay. So nobody has to run to the bathroom and read D&D books. Again, never. This is just a completely made up story. Yeah. Hypothetical for the purposes of blood sport.

The game. I remember this happening in blood sport. Now that you mentioned it. Yeah, these are all from the director's cut of blood sport that I have. And you can't see it because I keep the tape in Canada. This is the Micah the Micah cut. All right, let's go. Let's see.

Sean volunteered first. Just your eagerness for battle is what I'm going to go off of for this first one. So Sean, you go first. Okay. Are we keeping the role I threw? Yeah, you are going to throw a 14 unarmed strike at who? I have an intense distrust of rat tails as all men do. Yes.

So I fly and kick the rat tail and tell me what that tell me what that looks like a little bit. Well, it's a bit of a spin I take off on my lead foot and then I'm going to twirl around and throw my rear foot hook kick style at the rat tail. Hopefully decapitating the head. It's attached to. Okay. And give me a give me a damage roll. You just click click the 14, I believe.

Four, four damage. Yeah, that decapitates him. Yeah, that did not take much. Yeah, that's not a load bearing rat tail. Then yeah, it's weird. He somehow had less than four hit points and is now decapitated. And he is a child is stupid. I'm really glad we can help you work through this.

Yeah, it bounces away like like that basketball. They tried to pass between you. Which which one was rat tail boy? What was his name? Rat tail. Jair. Rat tail Jeremy with an extra E like a dick. What a fucking asshole.

Since we've already just started walking down this road of murder now. I'm going to attempt to blast a hole through the center of the chest of Micah with Eldritch Blast. Which is your dimmock attack? That's my dimmock attack. That was a dimmack. Not that. Here we go.

Give me that. Here we go. Here we go. Why can't I do it? Here it is. Fucking roll that shit. 18. Hell yeah.

And you do goosh. 13 fourths damage. Just tell me what that looks like. It doesn't look like much at first every Micah kind of looks around for a second. Not sure what just happened, but then there's a rumbling sound and then just his shirt just erupts in in blood damage out the back. So we see bones. We see his heart little pieces of spine and all just ejects right out the back of his

shirt and yeah, that's exactly in the shape of a palm. And yeah, it's in the shape of a palm like a cartoon outline. And he gets blood all over his pristine outfit just like when somebody let's say shingo spat a mouthful of blood on him after he punched him in the face and ruined his outfit making Micah go run and cry to the principal. Excellent. So that's two successful murders then, right? You murdered two children.

We've also murdered a helpless soldier and a proud war veteran going through some issues. Is this helping you at all? Like picturing your childhood bullies get get massacred? My childhood? But what hypothetically, if this was somebody's childhood bullies getting massacred in a story in the hit film Bloodsport, would that make that person feel better? Do you think I mean, it's just down to the dice, isn't it?

Isn't it? So, uh, Vanessa, give me that last role. Your last opponent is a weird Peter with his half of a mullet who no favoritism on this role. I'd have captivated a guy with four hit points of damage. No favoritism. Yeah, it's just how the, it's just how the dice go. You know what, I think I need to put a little more liar into this.

Um, so I'm going to tell weird Peter that I can talk to animals and I'm going to start barking because I'm trying to command neighborhood dogs to attack weird Peter. Okay, fantastic. Give me, this has to be an animal. I actually have a spell, which is animal friendship. Okay. Give me that spell.

I'm not. Do I do three of these? Uh, do we decided on two, but it's just a DC safe. So it's going to be the same thing. This is just not a spell. That's a cantrip. Oh, okay. It's just different.

I'm told. Okay. Fucking nerd. Hey, listen, I had to spend all recess in the bathroom to learn that. I'm going to use it. I went to D and D school with Robert one-on-one to learn that. All right. I worked hard for that knowledge.

All right. So weird Peter. It was a 14 that is a wisdom save. Let's see if this child has a good wisdom role. She had to use American child. Yeah. That's her spell component. A nine.

You won't believe it. He does not succeed. What are you doing? He flees, uh, urinating in fear, but that just the dogs love that. Like they, uh, let's just extra flavoring for them. And, uh, he's, we'll give him a break since he was, he didn't actually, you know, attack Shingo. He just tried to do some weird blackmail that why would a child do that?

What kind of child does that? So he's just chased away by dogs. Uh, no, he's mauled to death off-screen, but it's tastefully off-screen. Right. Right. You can't hear him scream. So he is spared a public execution. Yeah.

Okay. I mean, you could hear him scream from beyond like the, the, the handball courts. But that's, I still can't believe it worked. It worked. It's gotta be Frank Dukes' entire life, just like looking around like, I can't believe it worked. They made a movie out of that shit. I said, that's his entire life until I'm gonna say 1996.

When people started having the internet and then there was a reckoning for all con men. All right. Well, Shingo was beaten and bloody. He reaches out a hand for help up from you, his former nemesis. I'm going to say that we don't take it right away. We're going to trick him. We're going to like act like we're going to help him up and then we're

going to, we're going to trip him so he falls back down again. Just so he knows that we, we didn't forget. Okay. This already severely humbled child reaches out for a little bit of charity and solidarity and gets a little bit of just a little bit. I didn't like the, I didn't like the puppet thing. The whole, the Pinocchio comparison was like almost racist and that's, you know, I can't let that stand.

Oh man, imagine if he rolled better. I'm not sitting anything up, but I'm going to tell this kid, you will never fight in the kumite. And he says someday I'll fight in the kumite and make my father proud, fights back tears and runs away. You told me that was so much more emotion than the original shingo actor. Oh God, you're right. I'm sorry.

Someday I'll fight in the kumite and make my father proud. Someday I'll fight in the kumite. What happened to that kid? That's not, that wasn't, uh, who was that? I gotta. All right. We flash forward. I'm going to need you all to roll for chrono sandwich again.

Give me wisdom saving throws. Blam. All right. I'm not impressed with my wisdom throws so far. Yeah. That's like my best stat. Mine are real bad, real stanky. Just give me a double.

We'll go with double until the internet can work with numbers. A nine. You, you do not take it. Uh, drink Fuchs and Tarantino life held with the 10 and 11. You do not take chrono. Stamage this time francing ducks with a nine. You definitely do. I need you to mark another chrono.

Stamage point. So we flash forward to reveal shingo died on the way back to his home planet. Shingo has died mysteriously off screen and without comment. Uh, exactly. I would argue as his character deserved so far. Uh, he, he's died mysteriously and you are standing in respectful karate morning at your Shredoshi's dojo, the appropriate place for a child's wake. Uh, Tanaka looks lost and vulnerable.

He has treated you just like a son with regular beatings and no instruction, but he needs you at this time almost as much as you need his sweet karate instruction. How do you approach it? I think, uh, I'd like to pull a fish from the pool and present it to him. I think he could use a real, a nice fish in this trying time. Okay. You think that'd be some sort of dexterity thing. Give me an animal handling rule.

Oh, hell yeah. Fucking an 18. That's a fish grab. That's a fish grab. You, you grab three fish somehow in a row. They line up. You wait for the moment where they line up like ready for a headshot and then just snatch up three fish and present them to him.

Just looped between your fingers. Like Wolverine claws. Like Wolverine claws. Yeah. And he blinks and he looks up at you through tears for his lost son. And he says, very good, but no more trading. I am done now. In the war, I lost my first family to Hiroshima.

In America, I lost my second family to karate. I will not start like a third family and lose that too. It just seems weird. Plus, you are not Japanese. You are not a Tanaka. Teach me. That was to teach me a heartfelt, heartfelt play. Give me a charisma.

All right. 17 coming through an open mind. You know what? Maybe you are Japanese. Maybe you are a Tanaka. Let's do this. We are going to cut to a training montage. Flash forward inside the flashback montage.

Chrono-stammage rolls all around. What are we rolling again? What are we saving throws? Okay. Your last one. There it is. There, Lewis. And one more from Francine.

18 and 18. All right. So far, Tarantino life held rolls a six and takes a chrono-stammage point. Frank Fuchs with a 16. Francine with an 18. Do not. And this is where we are going to use them. We are going to experience a montage.

I have assigned the montage scenes to a table and you will be rolling now to see what you get and you will use your chrono-stammage as negative modifiers. So you're going to each roll a D12, which is what is that? Slash R, space one D12 minus whatever your chrono-stammage modifiers are. Negative six. So I have a negative two. Okay. So roll one D12 and just subtract two either from the roll or just yourself.

But you give me twice. Oh, right. I'm going to do twice. Yeah. So your first one. Your natural failure. Once I already did the math was a negative two. This one's 12 minus six.

So this one's a six. Okay. So we're going to take Sean Tarantino-Leifeld gets a five. Francine Dux gets a four. Zach gets also a four. So we're going to round you down to a three. So you're getting three, four, and five. Sean, you are getting hit with a stick while doing karate yoga.

Not too bad. Okay. Not too bad. I just breathed through it. I know how to do this. Okay. Yeah, you're intimately familiar with getting beaten with sticks because that has been part of your training with Shidoshi Tanaka all the way.

Since I was a young child. It's the only thing he's willing to do to you up until his son was just completely destroyed. I'm going to assume by you, but we never specify. Zach, you are getting open hand slapped just over and over. Damn. Am I doing anything else like cool with like? Nope. You're just getting open hand slapped.

Just standing there, just taking it. And again, and again, and then he pauses a little bit like he's going to instruct you. And then he just slaps you again. And I, I don't, I widened my eyes a little bit like, yes. And he slaps you right in the mouth. Damn, just crying and crying saying you're not my son. None of this will bring back my boy. And Francine, you are blindfolded while Tanaka slaps the shit out of you.

Okay. I'm going to grit through it and tell Tanaka that I promise I'm going to make him love me more than he loves his dead son. I love the audacity, but this is slapping hour. And he continues just slapping the shit out of you. Give me. What's Tanaka doing? Is she's looking at all looking in on all this?

Yeah, she's watching. She's watching the scene. But if you'll remember, I think he got a 12 on on her sexual attraction role. So she's, yeah, she's just looking to see how you do. She's not, you know, not really waiting for that to come out in that right. Right. All right. Give me that.

Don't believe that. Give me that role again. And we're going to round to what's left and get through this montage. So which one was it? Just the same one you did last time. Oh, wisdom. Oh, the D12. Oh, the D12.

Sorry about that. Come on, splits. Come on, tied up. What the fuck? This is why I hate D&D. I'm just remembering why I don't like D&D. These are actually, you're getting good roles. Remember, it's just.

Oh, these are good roles. Oh, I thought this was like getting damage. Fretzy somehow rolled a 17, which again, I'm going to reward as the ninja liar of the group. Amazing. I took a swing for it. And yeah, I'm going to reward it almost every time. All right. Well, we're going to round down to the possible numbers that you can get.

So, let's see, Zach gets a 10. He is out there catching fish with his bare hands. About time. Always looking to Tanaka for approval, which he sort of gets. It's a little bit of, it's a little, all right, not. And Sean with a nine is serving T blind folded. Okay. Oh, how does this is Tanaka feel?

Someone's about to slap. Oh, she's lovely. She loves it. She knows what's coming. She's about, she's about to see her favorite part, which is where the white guy gets slapped while holding boiling water. Not this time. Give me a dexterity.

Oh, shit. Baker's proud. Nineteen. Are you sure you're not the ninja liar? My God. All right. You won't believe this. This is totally unrealistic, but you catch the fist being thrown at you while serving

T blindfold and you have the audacity later in life to tell people that happened with a straight face. Meanwhile, with a, meanwhile with a 12, which is the 17 rounded down to a possible number. Francine is absolutely railing Mrs. Tanaka while your Shadochi watches and what? And deducts points for Miss Time Thrusts. You thought class was over. All right.

One more roll. Last one. Wisdom for long. Just one D just one D 12 minus whatever. Chronos damage or in the case of a ninja liar, who is the only one who can do this. Whatever you feel like. Sick. Ooh, both rolling eight.

We're brothers. Because we're brothers. Sean and Zach, both, both roll. You are not Japanese. And I would, I would counter that with neither are you Roy. It's in rolls a 12. Roy, Roy Chow. It's in rolls a 12, which was two D 12 plus one D six, which is a powerful move.

So waiting into the line. Mrs. Tanaka's got to be climaxing at this point. And only got a 12, but that's just that's somehow perfect to that. You overcheat and then barely succeed. It's fantastic. For a 12. We'll do yours last.

Sean and Zach both get an eight. So you are both doing magical meditation finger-tutting with Shidoji Tanaka. I'm not sure what this teaches you, but what's a cool finger stuff you're learning? Like maybe you're gonna, you're gonna go impress somebody at like a middle school dance. What I loved about the Bloodsport finger-tutting is that it was so obviously made up with someone very childlike in their martial arts knowledge. We did not have back then. You will not believe this.

We did not have finger-tutting masters to teach you to teach movies on command. I recognize a lot of these from Ashita Kim's book though. I think they collaborated and they were like these. I believe they're called the eight signs of the Kujikiri. Is that, that sounds familiar. I have that book somewhere on my shelf. Yeah. It's like Ninja Mine control or something like that.

Yeah. I'm really looking at where I can buy it. Yeah. I, yeah. Highly I think, I think the boys have talked about Ashita Kim on the podcast before, but he's well worth a dive. Just be aware. It's a very deep dive and you might, you might lose a lot of you, a lot of your time

and spiritual energy. Sorry. I just got to the, the sexy one. I'm, how did you get that first? That's the one everyone loves. I think your podcast boosted that one up in the algorithm. It's literally the first two. Damn.

Yeah. The sexy one's great. All right. Let's get through the rest of this montage before we all get lost in Ashita Kim's dreamy, powerfully sexual eyes. I'm going to take any erotic damage. Yeah. Go ahead and roll that.

What's the role? Uh, I would say I guess it's a bone, animal handling. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like hog wrestling. Yeah. That's animal handling 17.

You resist. You resist Ashita Kim's sensual eyes and erotic folks. Not the first time. All right. The rest of this montage that you did not get was a dodging the sticks while doing splits, always a classic meditating by rubbing your hands together. Always a classic getting punched in the fucking face while serving tea blind folded, which you avoided with your role.

And, uh, of course, of course, getting drawn and quartered on a hobbyist level rack is the one you've avoided. That was your worst outcome. But there's one role left. Uh, and that was Francine's role of 12, uh, which is actual martial arts instruction. It's crazy. It's not even supposed to be on this list, but you got it.

It was the only way through the month through the montage was cheating and rolling the incorrect dice. Are they wearing cute little boots during this actual training? Of course. Little tabby, little tabby boots. Yeah. Of course. Of course.

The little tabby socks that you would buy, uh, at like a spirit Halloween. And so you're out of the montage. Or finally, Shadoshi Tanaka gives you a look that says your training is complete. You have earned my family's sword. Even though his mouth says, this got out of hand. Do not tell the cops and I'll give you this sweet sword. I did not think you were going to let me torture you and blindfold you and try to punch you.

This really escalated. So here's a sword. The story does make more sense. If he just started torturing the boy and had to pretend it was martial arts shortly into it. Yes. When he survived all all attempts, he just was like, fuck, I don't know. He just unintentionally created a martial arts golem.

Is that the doomsday's origin story? Yeah. They just let the weird baby out on this terrible planet and kept dying and dying and dying until finally it got so tough it didn't die anymore. Which is, yeah, which is the doomsday of the martial arts world. Frank Dukes is origin story as well. You are out of the flashback, but your Shadoshi lies dying of elderly karate master disease, the disease that kills all karate masters.

Once they have taught everything they have to teach or weight cancer. Right. He said that thing about the A bomb. It's probably cancer. That's less fun. Let's say karate master disease, starting karate master disease. Tenaka transfer of knowledge just deflated. Yes.

Tenaka says, I have poured all my knowledge into you in kumite. You will need it. It's weirdly kind of an erotic sensation to have like a domineering man talk about pouring himself into you. Put that kumite in me. Is that that's what you say back? Fuck yeah. He gives you a look like I have no sense of boundaries or what's

appropriate for one dude to say to another dude. Yeah, he gives you a look like if only we had said this sooner. So much of our lives. I deliver everything with an impish sexuality. He's run out of energy and dismisses you before you leave. He says, make me proud cripple several Chinese men for sport and you reluctantly agree before you leave his house. You stand quietly in the living room remembering Shingo.

How do you respectfully remember Shingo? The child who beat you over and over again. I piss on the floor right in front of his family portrait. Just right on the carpet. All right. Give me a piss roll. All right. As we've established that's animal handling.

Animal handling. All right. Let's do it. Oh, Gresslyn. Roll it. We're nine nine piss. Nine piss. All right.

You use that frothy. Does that bubble up on the carpet? You deliver not, you know, an impressive volume of piss, but it's like dehydrated piss. So it's worse. Right. Right. It's got a little tang to it.

Anybody else want to remember Shingo? I have some. I don't know some reservations about pissing on the floor. I'm going to do a sleight of hand to try to cover that up with maybe it's like some ancient Japanese like artifacts. A 12 will take it. I mean, just a tasteful like vase just over the time. Yeah, it's like I'm just screaming like a mean dynasty Japanese vase.

I'll tell you what, a 12 you're going to take Shingo's portrait and it can cover up the piss stain. It's perfect. I'll never know. All right. Vanessa, any fond remembrances of Shingo before we leave? Yeah, I just got done banging his mom again. Yeah, I would like to hold up my middle finger and index finger

under the his nose on his portrait. So that his ghost can smell his mother. Yes, yes, the appropriate. All of this happened in the movie Bloodsport. If you haven't seen it, this is why we love that movie so much. We were allowed to because we technically became her husband when we absorbed the rest of his karate knowledge. That is how that works in karate.

You become the husband of the master who dies and pours himself into it. You get the dojo, any remaining family members and the sword and the sword, of course, but it's never enough sword is it? So you have to go to the kumite to win another special sword. The only way things are measured in Bloodsport world is through Katana. Various Katana. As we slip out of our old master's house, possibly for the last time, we can't help but wonder if we've also slipped out of this flashback nested

montage that took eleven straight minutes and encompassed several lifetimes. Did we close all those parentheses or is this entire story taking place in the past? Are you Frank Dukes or are you the Frank Dukes? Frank Dukes is remembering and what's the difference between the man and the man and the story that he tells himself about the man? I'm not musing, fucking tell me, you roll for it. We have a flashback roll. It's a straight up intelligence roll.

Boom. OK. Well, that's not my strongest. Eight. Eight for Drank Fuchs. Seventeen for Tarantino Life Health. How do you cheat at D&D because you're doing it? We are doing the opposite of what our roles should be. And a nine for Francine Dukes. So Francine and Drank Fuchs,

you are both you are both harboring the suspicion that a guy that acts like you probably doesn't look like Van Damme, right? So, yeah, you might not be real. You might not be an accurate memory and that's going to plague you. Sean, you're just fucking real as fuck. You're here in the flesh. I'm certain I'm here. Yes. And as far as it works with with some of you maybe being the faulty

memories of Frank Dukes and others of you actually being the real Frank Dukes. I'll hear at the same time. I don't know how that works because this is blood sport. It's not fucking think sport. Let me tell you about the night the Supremes crashed. A little Halloween party called the monster match. The zombies were out having fun. The party had just begun.

The guests included Wolfman, Dracula and his son and three finger Louis. Erin Crosston, Adrian H, Alpha Scientist Javel. An Andy Brotter succubus as his plus one and everybody could tell. Andres Larsen spiked the punch with holy water. Armando Navar, Benjamin Sairanen. Bimtholzer locked Dracula out on the porch and it really hurt his feelings. Brandon Galak, Brian Saylor, Breanne Whitney. Brockway loves the meat milly and nobody appreciates the PDA.

Burrito Mouth took a swing at the devil. Cyril, Rev, Chance McDermott was tripping balls so hard he thought that everyone was normal. Chris Brower, Curious Glare, Dan B, Dracula politely asked the artist formerly known as Devin to leave after he puked in the blob. Dean Costello, Donald Finney. Dr. Awkwood brought Dr.

Awkwood's monster and was very pedantic when people called the monster Awkwood, but that was not what they meant. Eric Spalding, Fancy Shark. Jell-Oho just kept making Frankensteins until they drink all the beer. Greg Cunningham just kept fighting drunk Frankensteins. Hamboad, Arakha, Half-Fat, Jaber Al-Aden. James Boyd brought a van Helsing as a date and not one of the chill ones. Jeff O'Roskey, Jeremy Neal, John Dean, John Hector McFarlane

transformed into a bat because it's way cheaper to get drunk as a bat. John McCammon, John Minkoff, Josh Pavy, Josh S, Ken Paisley, K&M. M. Jahe Chappelle broke the chandelier trying to show off for the wolfman and he was not impressed. Matt Riley, Max Barois, split into six parts, hit himself around the mansion, but nobody looked for him. Michael Lea, Michael Wells was a perfect gentleman, but Mickey Lohman was the malignant monster on his back and a total embarrassment.

Mike Stiles, Mojo, Andy, Neil Bailey, Neil Schaefer ate every single one of the mummy's hard-boiled eggs. Those were work snacks. Nick Ralston, Ozzy Orlit, Patrick Herps made the monster from the black lagoon cry in the coat closet. Rain Vargas, Briannan, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase brought a pure mood CD and wouldn't stop playing it because it was his words so funny. Spotty reception, Superanarch summoned a demon and made it do a keg stand.

Ted H, Timmy Leahy, Dostigard, Tom Sakuula, Tommy G, Waylon Russell spray-painted all the Hellhounds pink because he thought it would be cute. Yossarian let all the Hellhounds out and it was not cute. Aidan Mouet, but dialed the cops. The monster cops, they did the bash. They beat those monsters ass, the monster bash. It was monster police brutality.