The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 103, Eliminators With Dirk Marshall

Episode Date: December 7, 2022

Seanbaby tasks Brockway and guest Dirk Marshall with the impossible: Come up with a more ragtag team than the Eliminators, the raggiest, taggiest motherfuckers to ever dethrone a cybernetic time god.

One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. Yeah.

When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on. Do not win number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog.

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Dot com, the final comedy website. If you're listening to this at the end of twenty twenty two, come visit and see the nine seven hundreds of articles we produced. We are the best and you suck at MCs are absolutely whack. I'm Sean baby from the internet and I'm joined by my co-hot dog

and pro big hog Robert Brockway. I'm Robert Brockway. Here's a Brockway fact. I have an elaborate lower body unit that augments my destructive power. No follow up questions. Our guest today is a hot sauce man

and a movie fan. He hosts the VHS podcast. Dirk, welcome to the show. You're a Portland culinary star and you and your wife run the Marshall's hot sauce company. It's great to have you back. I am quite a strength man droid.

How hot? Hot? That's how you say it, right? I've never said it out loud. No one calls it. People just say Marshall's hot sauce, but like I mean twelve years ago it was a funny pun, very clever.

And then I had over a decade of people explaining it to me. So it's been sheer hell. That's hard, I'm sorry. I mean it was your mistake. I mean that's some pretentious shit. I'm an educated man and I have trouble saying it.

I have a bachelor's of science and art. This is very stupid but every time I see that little thing over the E, I never say it any differently. I just make a little mark on my finger. So I'm not an educated man? I'll do a Swedish chef voice

for like four minutes surrounding every umlaut I see. And that's your fault for fucking putting an umlaut in your word. I think it's an accent agoo. Am I correct there? I don't know. Accent agoo. Anyway, welcome back.

I'm really glad to have you here today because we're talking a movie but before we do that, I do want you to plug. I know we just plugged your head sauce but let's talk about your podcast because my intro got super mangled. I find a movie that has a profession

and then I find a stranger that has that profession and I make them watch the movie and then talk to me about their life. Yeah, we just started season 11. We're kind of mixing it up this season so some of those same episodes will happen with the profession but we just did an episode with Edmund McMillan

that did a binding of Isaac and Super Meat Boy the video games and we just talked about like 10 movies that mean a lot to us and it's deeply disturbing so I recommend people check that out. I bet that guys movies are weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're looking for one of our classic episodes

we did a class of 1999 with a teacher. We had a kickboxer on and covered the movie Chuck D and then someone who identifies as a mermaid and we talked about the Polish murderous mermaid musical so there's some of the content. They can find it.

VHUS underscore podcast on Twitter and Instagram. Were we supposed to be doing seasons? Do podcasts? Do we fuck this up? Only if you like to take breaks and lose listeners. That's basically the structure of a season. I do like that.

Today we are talking about Eliminators which is kind of one of those perfect movies from 1986. No one remembers anything about it other than the amazing cover featuring an action team that nobody remembers anything about other than the tank-legged cyborg. It's written by the same writing team as Irina

and has the director of Irina because we remembered this movie when we did the podcast about Irina. The ninja's actor's name is Conan Lee which is a fucking great and it says like a Turkish movie about a Kung Fu barbarian. I love the name Conan Lee. I wish they hadn't changed it for the movie.

Why would you have him play anybody but himself? Conan Lee adds himself. Yeah, who do you play? Kooji? That's much worse. Can we name him Fuji? I can only think of seven or eight Japanese things. Yeah, Fuji's fine.

No, maybe Kooji. Well, nobody's going to buy Conan Lee. The name's probably like Bruce Wang or something. He's like, no, no, no, I got it. I got my stage name ready. We didn't see this guy a lot. I just thought he was great in the way that

we were all great ninjas at age nine. I feel like he really captured that nine-year-old playing ninja very well. That a lot of people would be too self-conscious to do. A lot of people would do movements like him and feel very embarrassed

and stop doing them but not Conan Lee. No, he did not stop doing them. Not ever. Not even when he wasn't the focus of the shot because he always had a little hand thing to do. He always says ninja hand. We'll talk about him later, I guess.

Before we even start talking about the plot of the movie, as we do that, we're going to play a game called Ragtag Recruiter. Now, the way we play is the two of you, Dirk and Brock, where you're the head of a ragtag adventure squad. You may each select one real skill

you currently have right now in your life and use that during the game. So, Dirk, what is the skill, your real life skill you're bringing to this game? I have the ability to turn any conversation into a discussion about a movie that I want to talk about.

That could be a very powerful ability. Brockway? Fuckin'. Hell, yes. That could also come in really handy. So, during the game, this is the only skill you can personally use

to get out of jams. You can either switch the conversation to movies or fuck. I know what I'm going to do. I forgot to have time. As we go through the movie, two of you are going to imagine that you're in each jam

facing the eliminators. If you can handle it yourself, great. Otherwise, you have to recruit someone with a very specific occupation. You are not allowed to pick cyborg or ninja. Basically, we're going to see if someone could beat you using only household materials. The object of the game is to beat the movie

with the smallest ragtag squad possible. If you can use the same occupation multiple times or fuck your way out of everything, great. Brockway, you're in charge of keeping track of your team. Please get a pen and paper ready or the cyber equivalent to that.

Here are some sub-rules. Assume each job is very specialized. In the case of argument, I am the Eliminator Master So, those are the rules. Are we clear on the rules? Yes. No. Perfect. What are your questions?

I don't have any. I'm just not clear. I'm the same body. I'm the son of my life. So, the movie opens with credits, of course. And during the credits, there's a pilot crashing. And then there's a bunch of Roman gladiators getting shot by lasers and running away.

And this is great storytelling because it's exactly what you were hoping for. An evil scientist has sent a mandroid through time that he has made out of a dead crashed pilot. That's how you get started on him. That's how you fuck every other cold open.

That's how you sell me on a movie from now on. 11 out of 10. No question. Just amazing. So, now we're like we've established that's the plot of the movie, kind of. The scientist guy is sort of being kept alive

in his first colostomy bag. He's like plugging this shit into himself. He's got like... Yeah, his face is melting off. I wrote down science juice. I wrote down who needs to fill up on science juice. So, we all had our own take. Yeah, that's a nicer way of putting it.

So, now that he's confident his time orb works. Because the mandroid came back, he's like, I don't remember anything, but here's a Roman shield. He's like, okay, cool. Now we can go ahead and kill our Robocop. We can level kill him, I guess, because he was already dead. No more need

for this Robocop said fucking nobody in history. Nobody. For the dumbest asshole. He has an assistant named Takata. And Takata is like a good guy working for the evil scientist. Not sure why. I don't know what leverage he has on him.

I don't think they established that. And he's like, dude, you can't you can't kill Robocop because there's a running theme of this movie that falls in love with mandroid. He is very sexual. He's also part of his scowls. Yes.

He always seems a little cranky, but it works on everybody. Reeves does not care about ethics or compassion. Because Takata is like, dude, you can't. He's a guy. He's mostly a guy. And the evil scientist Reeves is like,

do you think I've had it easy? Because he has a weird face. So that's why you can do evil. That's your permission slip for evil, right here. Yeah, pretty thin, I guess.

But technically, the movie has established the motivators for the characters. Yes, it's pink guy. He's got pink guy, and now he's evil. I mean, who wouldn't be cranky with pink guy? That's true. So Takata warns mandroid, he's like, Mandroid, you gotta get it out of the base,

we're going to kill you. our first eliminators jam. The two of you need to get out of the base. Oh man. I can't wait to hear what Robert's going to fuck. There are a few directions I can fuck. I don't know if they're getting us out of the base. We could be we could be Kings of the base. You got a clear goal. You beat Kings of the base will be almost the opposite of your goal. All right. Can I fuck my way out of the base like literally? I feel like I resonate. Can I thrust to the resonations of stone of I'm sorry, like South American stone, stonework masonry, loosen the mortar enough through just vibration.

I think the security is too good. I think they would hear the I think they would hear it if you were trying to just perfectly slam through a wall. And I feel like a Mexican military base in a 1986 American action movie is way too homophobic a place to to attempt to have sex with the 11 or 12 men. You'd have to have sex with it out. All right. Fine. I'll recruit. Okay. I am going to recruit a golf cart driver. Let's say a caddy, a teenage caddy, complete with golf cart. Okay, because that's all it takes to get out of here. In the movie, Mandroid, of course, famously grabs his mobile unit, which is that's also what I call mine. And it's just tank legs, but in the same way that like a centaur is built, like he's like

half his half tank, half man in the same way a centaur is calf horse. And it does nothing. All of his weapons, all of his weapons are still on him. It supplies no weapons. It moves at three miles an hour and it tips over very easily. So to get out of this base, I will need a golf cart driven by probably a probably a high 14 year old caddy. Okay, so you've got a high teen caddy driving a golf cart. That's 100% going to work. You absolutely can just drive that right out of the base. There's no reason to think anyone would care. Most of the guards would be like, oh, hey, Mandroid, hey, Takata, going for a golf in the jungle. Yes, so yeah, I'll allow it. So write that down. You now have a

teen caddy on your team. And I'll allow him to be high, which could theoretically imply he has a little more weed on him if that would come with golf cart and everything that comes equipped with a caddy. Sure. That's true. Like you would have golf clubs. Let's see. They have ball washers. He's got ball washers probably. Connections that will last a lifetime. That's true. He's probably got a rich uncle. Okay, so I love this tank. It's like a real practical effect. I want everyone listening. If you haven't seen Eliminators, they've really built like a powered wheelchair that looks like a tank. They built a fucking tank legs, actual tank legs. It looks really uncomfortable. Like

he's all crammed in there so his legs are up behind him because he does sort of look like he doesn't have legs while he's in it in a kind of impressive way. Like I was fully convinced as a kid, this was a robot man. No, that rules. It rules completely. It's completely part of the poster. Yes. The only part of the poster anyone remembers. So Takata gets killed and he gives the mandroid a mission to go find Colonel Hunter. So this movie is so good about motivating the characters. Mandroid takes that shit downstairs, just wipes out everybody on the way out. But the bad guys have a super hair belly who has like a hunting rifle with like a triple radar scope on the top of it. And this is the main antagonist for most of the movie. Just this, this, I don't know

I've seen this actor in other things, but he just sort of plays the same like squealing hillbilly in every movie. He shoots mandroid in the head, blows his arm off. Mandroid eventually blows through the wall. So that's how the movie handles this jam is they shoot he shoots a rocket through the wall and leaves that way. So now here's your next jam. You got to get through these woods. Brock, where are you going to fuck something? Oh, I thought I thought you were taking the lead on this one. I took the lead on the last one. I wanted to give you a chance to do something before I fucked it. Okay, it's generally because it's it's it's done after I fucked something. Okay, well, I mean, at this point, we'd be alone in the woods. So there's no one for me to talk to.

So I'm kind of stuck here. I mean, we have we do have a high caddy in a golf cart. Oh, that's right. Can we just did he grow up there? And he helps get through the woods? I bet he has a connection through this through this excellent networking opportunity that has been granted to him by his parents, who are good friends with the guy that runs the golf club. I'm sure after recruit because this golf course not going to make it through the jungle. And he's got no cell reception since it's 1986. But he knows some he knows a gardener. Are we going to recruit in the gardener or does does it count that he just knows one that'll do him a favor? An entire landscaping team that owes him a favor. Can we turn the jungle into a winery through people we know?

You get a long term solution in mind. Yeah, yeah, like technically, it's not the woods anymore. If it's a very nice winery. That's a good point. All right. I'm at propo of nothing. I'm going to recruit a caveman guide. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, on the same page. Perfect. Allow inexplicable caveman. I would like him to come from nowhere in particular and not be explained for a very long time. We'll explain in about 40 minutes. But yeah, caveman guide. Absolutely. He's on your team. That's a perfect addition to the ragtag squad. So back at the base, we meet Denise Crosby, who plays Colonel Nora Hunter. I think she's an Air Force Colonel. But in the movie, she's just like a like a robot mechanic. She has built a

little robot buddy that can fly and has a personality. It's a full on Star Wars creature can like teleport. Then and yet it looks like a 1986 Nintendo peripheral that you would do very, very disappointed to see in real life that you would be like super stoked to see. And then you'd be like, oh, when I saw it this time, I was like, is that the robot from black hole? Wasn't there a robot like this in black hole? It looks a lot like it. Yeah, except I think that had tits on the bottom of it. And this is just like this is just like a water cooler, like a little little water jug. He does look like robotic operated buddy. He's just playing some gyromite. Anyway, the base is being attacked by man droid. He's infiltrating. He takes out a security guard and then this other

nerd security guards like I'm gonna fucking shoot whoever's doing this. Like he's going full die hard. So here's your jam. There's an Android infiltrating your base. We're not the ones infiltrating. No, you're Denise Crosby in this situation. Oh, shit, super magnet. I'm gonna fuck it. I'm gonna fuck the Android. Well, he does not have genitals, but he is very capable of love as this movie makes clear. Your fuck abilities will allow you to disarm him. He literally he has swappable arms. I think that's where his genitals are going to be. Well, your skills are fucking you'll find you'll find where to put it. Like that's your specialized ability. We don't need to go through all the

details here on the podcast. But needless to say, he's very satisfied and no longer attacking people. No, I can go through the detail. We can go through the details. Hold on. You gotta cut that last 50 minutes. Did you say his genitals are in his armpits? Is this alienation rules? Is that what we're doing? Well, he can swap in and out. He has to swap his arms and he has an infinite supply of them behind his back. So I'm going to say at least 70% of them are genitals geared for different situations because that's that's what I have and I'm not even a mandroid. I love the idea of him being in battle and being like, oh, no, this one's a dick too. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, this one's a dick too. This is my favorite fight I've ever had.

So now, Denise Crosby and John Doe, the mandroid meat, and she's like, you're just a machine, you you fucking piece of shit. And I have a clip here because it's really good. And what's more, he's stolen my design to bastardize them. That last little explosion was his head exploding. So he shows up and they they established very quickly, like, there's this like conflict between whether he's a man or a machine. And then he's like, I got to go to Mexico and kill that guy. And then his head explodes. And this leads us to your next jam. You got yourself a malfunctioning mandroid. I don't know, Robert, do you want to fuck him? Well, I'm still fucking him.

So I think it might be functioning. Yeah, I think it might be cheating to say like, like I fuck him when it's it's still it is still going down, baby. Honestly, if you could just get some of the semen out of him, he'd probably be working again. No, you might be able to get through this if you just hire someone who carries him up. Oh, then I'm going to take the search patrol and operational technician, otherwise known as Spot and have it siphon all the semen out of the mandroid. I'll allow it. So you now have a flying robot buddy on your team. So please make a note of that. His semen capacity is maxed out. I should just make a note of that as well.

If they're he can't do that another another time. So Denise Crosby, she figures out that he does have a functioning human brain as she starts pulling out his hard drives, which causes him to remember that he has been lasering the Romans, which reminds everyone, holy shit, this is a time travel movie. And which is it's important because the movie will not remember that until the end. It's true. They dropped so many hints that like, this is a time travel movie, Denise Crosby. She's like, hmm, this is strange. Why would there be these dinosaur bones here in this future tank? Anyway, that doesn't specifically happen. What I love about the end of this scene is that the end of that clip even is that he says,

he stumbles in there and is like, Hey, what's up? I'm a mandroid. Those exist. I'm on a revenge mission against this dude. You sort of know I'm going to go kill him. And within 15 seconds, she says, yes, absolutely. I'm coming too. And that's how the scene ends. And there's no convince everybody in this movie is so gung-ho to be in this movie. They're just fucking stoked. They're like, hell, yes. I'm going with the mandroid on a revenge mission. Well, she has to stop them from making more horrible monsters like this guy. No offense. I also love that when they meet, mandroid has like a tarp over himself and I wrote like, he broke into the facility meeting the doctor and he's still wearing the hat.

He does wear disguise like he's like a Ninja Turtle or the thing. Like he's just like, Oh, I got a hat on. No one will know I'm a fucking monster now. Just a lot of bad hats. They're all real bad hats. But they also seem to live in a world where like, it's not that crazy that a guy's half robot. Like people see him, they're like, Oh, oh, this makes sense. Right. You're half robot. Okay. Okay. So they drive off and they stop at a stop sign for a very, very, very long time, long enough for local criminals to attack them. So here's your next eliminator's jam. You stopped too long at a traffic light and you are attacked by a pair of car jackers.

Is this me? Whoever. You're a team. Okay. Well, I'm going to, you know what? I'm still fucking the mandroid. Seaman capacity. I'm not sure how this helps the situation, but it doesn't hurt, baby. All right. Fantastic. But that does mean you need to probably recruit someone who can stop a pair of car jackers, unless Dirk, you think you could start a movie discussion that would distract from the crime? Yeah. Actually, when they, when they have their guns out and are going to kick us out of the car,

I, I, maybe I see a tree and I remind them about the movie, The Guardian, that because Robert's the mandroid fucking machine also involves a woman having sex with a tree. And then perhaps they want to go see that. Fuck yeah, they want to see that. That does sound like a good movie. We're sorry for carjacking you. I think jam solved. In the movie, the mandroid uses his magnetic hand to pull one of their guns away and then explodes a car next to them while they run away, which is a great time to let everyone know that I don't think anyone in this movie dies. It has a real like joyful GI Joe kind of sense of danger where just there's gunfights all the time, but no one gets hit. And when they do, it's by a laser that's probably a sleep laser. That's absolutely what

this entire movie is. This is, this is two kids with ADD playing GI Joe's and mashing up like all of their toys because they were poor like me and didn't have a bunch of GI Joe's. They had whatever the fuck they could assemble out of like eight different toy lines. There's another moment that happens around here where earlier the mandroid looks at the little robot buddy and says that little robot is too shiny to infiltrate the woods. And then in this next scene, he reveals himself to have like a new camouflage paint job, which is just just so fucking stupid, especially since he travels by energy ball. So fantastic. There's another weird scene in this where the mandroid has his chest played off and his chest is all jacked up from when he was, I guess, autopsied. And

Denise Crosby walks in and she's like, oh, oh, gosh, I saw your horrible scars. And it's kind of awkward because he's not very fuckable, which is a tough thing to accept for a mostly marvelous robot with penis. Yeah, no, you've proven that wrong. But under most circumstances, very few people would find a place to have sex with this thing. So now they need a guide for the Mexican River to find the enemy secret base. And here's where we meet the sassy riverboat guide, Harry Fontana, fantastic name. And we get his backstory and the backstory of this town, which is he's undercutting the other river guides. And one of them is a real butch lady who punches him in the hand and then threatens to punch him again. She's like the

80s idea of a lesbian, which was just a very cranky Andy Richter. And then Denise Crosby walks in and the whole goddamn bar is like, va, va, va, boom, like everybody in this bar stops what they're doing and like turns into a cartoon wolf. Look at this total lack of disease right here. She doesn't have any weeping sores on her face. Va, va, boom. She says she wants the toughest guide here and a fist fight instantly breaks out. The butch lady, Bayo Betty punches her own partner, punches the guy she would presumably take with her on the gig. And I have a claim just to yes, he's with his name Maurice. He's very, very French. I have a clip to show you how long it takes for her to say these words and for a fight to break out. What do you want? I want the toughest

guide in the place. It's such a abrupt chaos. I love it. Everybody again, everybody is so gung hoe. Like all the extras in this movie were just fucking jumping the second they saw a little flag go up there like, yes, let's do it. But here's your next jam. You need to recruit a competent river guide. I've recruited a competent river guy. Yeah, just with the skills you have as a okay, I guess that makes sense. Do you think you'd try it the same way or would you just like talk? Wait, am I still Denise Crosby? No, no, no, you're you, the fuckmaster covered in motor oil and and Dirk is a Portland hot sauce man. Oh, I get it. Yes, you're you and you have a lot of movie knowledge. That's two of you. You have a robot buddy. You've got a whole team is

with you. I'm just going to ask everyone in the bar who's seen subspecies three and just take whoever's seen it. See, that's a great plan. I'm going to fuck everybody in the bar and whoever fucks the best and whoever fucks the worst. I'm going to take both of those and I'm going to have them square off against each other. And we'll have we'll have we'll filter them through Dirk's interview method. That's my figure. One of those one of those is going to be right. Just by law averages. Is some species a good movie for riverboat guides? Not particularly. Okay, I just thought maybe I haven't seen it. I thought maybe there's like a good river scene in there. It's a vampire movie where the main vampire Radu snaps his fingers off and

they become tiny demons. So that could be handy. No pun intended. I don't make for a great conversation on the water at least. There you go. I think. Okay, so we you guys have some great techniques on finding a competent river guide. I think I think you're fine. Obviously in the movie they just Denise Crosby starts a riot and waits outside for Harry Fontana to come out. Well, see, I think we're using the same logic because her logic there is that whatever kind of king psychopath comes out of this unscathed is the man that I want. And with me bringing the most fuckable and least fuckable either we're getting somebody that is not going to molest us on this tour, which as we will see with Harry Fontana is a very real danger.

It's absolutely. Or we'll get somebody that at least will be good at it. True good point. So now Denise Crosby drops the other shoe on this this boat taxi driver and she's like oh hey I have a friend with you and he's like oh hell no I was going to get you alone on the water where it would just be you and me and the implication there's no cock blocking on my boat. And she still does not spot this as a red flag and just gets railroaded in the negotiations. He's like sure extra C note for the elephant man which by this movie's money feels like a lot. Yeah. So he like doubled the fare just for having a guy with her which again that's a red flag. Yeah if you're getting a real good deal you're paying some other way. I think that's on the

back of Harry Fontana's boat. I think that's his. Do boats have bumper stickers? His boater sticker? His boat said no questions on the back. There you go. That's what it is. So now Bayou Betty and Maurice are hunting them with guns and they have like a bunch of other guys with speed boats. Like not because hey we're going to get revenge for winning the brawl because we're going to kill them and take their customers. That's the stated goal several times in this movie. Harry Fontana thinks that they have a secret mission to find Aztec Gold. He knows they're not tourists. He knows that this weird guy in a disguise and Denise Crosby are there for gold and I just don't get it. I think they're living in 1980s adventure movie rules. So like

I mean he is straight. He's from everybody here is from a different movie. Like the Cyborg is from Universal Soldier Robocop and he's from Romancing the Stone. Like absolutely he's from Romancing the Stone. So he's just trying to understand how they fit into his movie because he doesn't just say Aztec Gold. He says oh it's not Aztec Gold. What is it? Dope diamonds artifacts. Like he's just trying to pin down which quest. Is there like a high school bet about turning the unpopular dude into a popular guy with the hot girl? What movie are we in? Are you guys making a woman with your computer? He even this will come up later but yeah he very much his whole character arc is what fucking movie am I in? Yes. I need to know this. I think I'll have that question. He's the

most loudly and aggressively voicing it. He's the most he's unhappy about it. Everybody else is just like oh this is so a weird movie for me to be in. I have the same answer for all of them. You're in the best movie. I distinctly remember being a kid and seeing this in the theater and this part of the movie was where I realized what kind of movie I was watching because like I was telling Chonbaby like I cut out the ad for this. I kept it in my Batman wallet. I was so excited for this movie with a mandroid a ninja and a scientist that like I didn't understand a movie could not be what I wanted it to be and when they first shoot at the mandroid and they're just rednecks I was like well this is weird that you think his pose would be better than that

and then at this part with swamp rednecks I was like oh no I see what this is. This was in theaters? Briefly yeah wow. That is kind of shocking. You are in an eliminator's jam though back to what we're doing. You're being chased by many boats. They want to kill you to get your customers. I mean this seems like a job from my caveman guide. Like this is a river. This is apparently his primordial forest. He has keen caveman instincts to avoid fire which is what they're doing at us. They're firing at us. Makes sense. I'm gonna give him. You want to give the wheel to the caveman guy? And I'm gonna tell him this is a really fast fish and it just needs his help. With like sign language like improvised sign language and just through fucking through the

language of love which is the transcends time. I'm going to fuck that message into him and then let him take the reins of our fast fish. Through passion alone you've communicated to your caveman guide what needs to be done and he does it passionately. Amazing. So in the movie they uh this is no small threat. They're shooting at them but like Harry Fontana is just kind of weaving the boat, dodging the bullets. I think at one point even says it's not like we're in any danger like while a bullet destroys like his boat console. Mandroid's super annoyed. He says we've no time for this and anyway he gives the wheel to Denise Crosby and he grabs a barrel of oil and throws it into the river and everybody knows what's happening. The other boats are like oh he's gonna shoot that

barrel of oil with a gun. We have to jump out of our boats and so that's the that's the GIGO rules we're operating under is that like he doesn't kill these people. They all like jump out of their vehicles while they explode. And you can't steer away from it because that wouldn't be cool. Right. Because they have a good 200 feet to steer away from it when they see it and they started by the time they leap out there's they've still got five seconds of like boat control they could have just like hit the brakes. Yeah it's a wide river too they could have easily just drive around it and Denise is like what the fuck are you doing you blowing up oil barrels and like but these are people shooting them with stated intent to kill them and she's still like hey you can't just blow

up oil barrels so I again I don't know what armed services she was in but these are very strict rules of engagement. Lady what fucking movie am I in because this is this is normal movie shit for me. Right. So I think their engine explodes just because of her complaining like she's like oh you're going too fast. God. So he finally slows it down and it breaks just so the movie lets us know she's always wrong. So now here's your eliminator's jam. You got yourself a broken boat. Can we use the the golf cart and just take off into the woods. That is how they solve this eventually. Just get off the water completely. Yeah I guess I still earlier I didn't let you use the golf cart because I don't think it's a great

all terrain vehicle. But this movie does like to forget things it mentioned earlier. Okay it is exactly as good as fucking tank legs because I've seen those tank legs. We use the man droids jet heels as that comes up later. He has those later. So we're ditching the boat and we're taking the golf cart into the woods which I think is a great way to handle it. I think you've found a way to not have to recruit for the monster style baby. Mount monstering this shit. Hell yes. So in the movie they get held at gunpoint again for their passengers. She's like you hand me them passengers. They're my affair now. And man droid shoots a torpedo at their boat and explodes them. Because he has that. Yes he just

has a torpedo armed. I can't remember. Does he actually switch his torpedo arm on or did he already just have it equipped. It was just I think it was just ready. He was like I'm gonna need the torpedo. Yeah he knew. I'm probably done with oh no this is the dick arm again. Shit all right. This also brings my favorite line of dialogue in the movie which is we're moving to Alaska Maurice dog sleds. I don't know why she does it. She does. He's like hell yes. This movie has like rival comic relief characters that come in there like no no we're the recurring comic relief. They're like fuck no we're the hillbillies. We were here at the start. I love it. Colonel Nora Hunter asks for some alcohol. And so Harry Hans or some and then she pours it like into these two weird

discs inside the boat motor like I guess that's the alcoholism regulators. It's like the boat was just going through withdrawals and she's like I got a little for you pal room fixed. You should get the boat drunk. The boat is fine now. At this point he has completely stopped the boat and he's like why the fuck does your guy have a robot arm and what is going on. And man droid shows himself. He's like shut up and drive. I'm a robot. Fuck you. So here's your eliminators jam. You got a riverboat guy asking too many questions. I mean it's a one surefire way to shut up a riverboat guy. Is it fucking. It's fucking baby. Like this is the come on you have to give me this but this is like this is from the start what he has established his character is his only desire.

Absolutely. Is there an upper limit on the fucking like how many per day do you think anything at some point. Yeah I think I think there's going to be a refractory period which is why I kind of that's when when dark really gets his time to shine is when I'm you know sticky and exhausted. Perfect. Like that's why we work well together. But for now you're feeling strong. For now you're like here's the only answer I have for you and you pull it out and it is good. All right. So now super ability comes up in the in his speedboat and he laughs at Maurice and bio Betty who are stuck in the river. He does not know who these people are. He just finds it funny that people are in trouble. Can we just pause here and introduce the fact that this the science

hillbilly is just a fucking barrel of laughs. He's having so much fun. He's always just having his character is having a really good time doing evil. Like it's always the most fun thing he's ever done and it's you know what it's infectious. It is. He's he sets the tone for the whole movie. Like if he was on a softball team that is the best softball team anybody's ever been on. Yeah they're not going to get a lot of wins but like they have a lot of fun. They're very drunk. The Maurice is pulling on his boat and he's like oh please we were attacked by a man with a torpedo arm and he's like a torpedo arm. Hmm sounds like that's Sabor that left here several weeks ago. Like for some reason the movie expects us to believe he's just on this river hunting

this cyborg that escaped from the lab. I just it's it of all the things in the movie. This is the one where I'm like I just don't think they get how fucking stupid this is. But there's of all the things this this is it. It's so much to come because he's like torpedo that sounds like the cyborg I'm hunting but I'm like why are you hunting and if you wore why are you just driving up and down a river seemingly millions of miles from where he is like he left that place to leave not to like go into the woods to regroup. Well and he also wouldn't be on the river like he left in like a tractor legs like he's not like he would be at the bottom of the river if anything. If anything so it's it's more or less the the last place in the

world anyone should expect to find man droid and that's where he's looking. Anyway we now check back in with our ragtag group and nobody knows how to get to the enemy base. No one really thought about this. They tell Harry he can just go home we don't need your boat anymore we're going on foot and he takes it real badly like it's a breakup like he's like his feeling seemed really hurt that he gets to just go back home after completing a job. But also maybe because he wants to know what fucking movie he's in. That's not how my movie goes. No we all in love and you you come to love my rough edges and I come to love you know your emotional vulnerability and we find a treasure but the real treasure is each other. What fucking movie am I in?

But this is not happening. For someone who drives a boat it's called No Questions he's full of questions. So many questions. That's basically all he has. Yeah he does not follow the rules of his own boat but you're in a new jam eliminated jam you can't find the enemy base. Oh jeez. What do you do? I mean we have a caveman guide for exactly this reason but I don't want to use that answer just because it's kind of boring. So in routine. What was this? Should we recruit? Yeah absolutely. I think we need a new member in here. I'm tired of fucking these same people. That's what's happening. I need some new blood. So a dragon. Is that what you're thinking? Are we on the same page? I was not but okay.

But you know what? That's entirely appropriate for this movie. I agree. It's just to throw in a dragon. Why not? It is weirdly missing a dragon. It is yeah. I'll allow it. Can it be a fuckable dragon? A horny dragon. That's how silly of me. That's kind of dragon he is. They're all fuckable dragons. He's very fuckable. Very good to go. So now he's on your team. In the movie they send out spot a little the little robot specifically designed to do this exact thing and Mandroid's like oh hey I recognize his matter transfer. His little lights and she's like oh shit Reeves stole my matter transfer. This won't come up later. I'm just saying like that's the kind of movie this is. Back on the river here comes Super Hillbilly and they find they find Harry and they're like hey

where are your passengers at? I'm looking for a cyborg and he does not betray them. He in fact shoots them with a fire extinguisher. Denise finds some bloody bones and caveman tools and says huh this is strange. Huh and you found and you talk about like Roman soldiers huh and there's like an evil scientist doing I don't know I can't put this together. I believe she even says something along the lines of oh it's weird. I don't think there are any cavemen in this jungle. I think she says primitive. I don't think there are any primitives in this jungle. Indians I think is what they say and Harry's like dude there's no Indians out here what the fuck. But there probably are I don't know. Back in the boat they're doing they do this bit that is so cartoonish and awesome. The bad guys

catch Harry they're like we're going to ram him and so they're going to take their like fiberglass jet boat and just smash it into the side of this tour. Fucking suicide bomb. The much larger sturdier boat and he's so happy about it. He's if you pause that scene like I did and rewind it and watch it again he's standing up in the boat holding the shotgun above his head with both hands and just laughing going like I'm going to fucking ride into Valhalla here buddy. It's so amazing. It's such a nice boat he's just going to trash it. Yeah and how they get out of this jam is so funny because Harry secretly has been revving his boat this whole time and he's tied to a tree. He machetes through the rope and the boat like takes off like a car that's

been spinning it's been like a drag racer just gets out of the way. Not sure that's how it works but it works in this movie and it will allow it. Their boat explodes because it misses them completely and hits a rock. That's just like stuff happening like on the side. Back in our main group Spot comes back and I guess he found the place or did they I don't think he's found it yet. It does it doesn't matter. He's found the plane is what happened. The plane that Mandroid originally crashed in because then he knows he was taken up river and that's what they need to like start to find the base. Right that was just a little breadcrumbs leading to the base. I like a moment here where Spot like comes and lands on Mandroid's shoulder and there's like a

little bit of sexual tension and that's where you realize like how fuckable Mandroid is. He's kind of like a beautiful idiot baby like a Daryl Hanimer made or a Lelu Dallas. It's like this is a reverse splash I guess is another movie this could be. So the Mandroid is not in a Robocop movie. He's in splash. That's when some people first realize it. So they find the crash airplane like you said and they have a fight about searching it. Mandroid's like it's too dangerous and she's like fuck you you have to face your past. You're like what is what movie are these people in. And I think Mandroid just can't swim. But anyway Denise Crosby swims into the crashed airplane and starts looking around for crap. Aggressively aggressively brawless. Yes. This is the reason for this scene.

I think they did a good job of not perving out on her like she's so clearly brawless in a wet tank top that's just like Denise this is you should have worn a different color shirt. Okay they cut to bold fontana and the cyborg going oh yeah yeah they're in there. It's implied a little bit of perfect but this cinematography is I would say four and a ten tasteful. Yeah all of the work is being done by the horny robot you're right. It could have been worse is all I'm saying. So wait I have a question did the bad scientist with the pink eye did he find the mandroid crashed in this airplane or yeah like just he was just out in the woods and he's like oh I found this crashed man I will make mandroid perfect I needed I needed most of a man.

Yeah it doesn't seem like he would care about the ethics of just killing one of his henchmen to make a mandroid but yeah but they do say in the movie that they found this dead body in the woods and he's like oh maybe I can turn into a time-traveling mandroid. Anyway here's your new eliminators jam this crashed airplane you're searching it's sinking in a shallow river how do you get out of this jam. I mean dragon right. Dragon let's do a little teamwork I'm gonna send the really high caddy in there because he's he's used to diving in ponds for balls great so I'm gonna send him in there just try to get her out and we can we can strap the dragon to the plane and we can we can like carrot and stick him with the caveman guide who was just

fucking completely terrified drawing all of the dragon's attention really Rube Goldberg tow truck this plane out of there. Yeah you bring up an interesting point as your team grows bigger you're gonna have to deal with things like your caveman now has to deal with airplanes and with robots and with dragons. Yeah he's not having a good time he's definitely floods of tears you might notice we're not using him this is why we're not using him as a guide as he is mostly just peeing and rehydrating. Right. So in the movie they don't handle it the same way a cyborg grappling hooks her but he can't pull out the whole airplane I guess he just doesn't believe it's possible and that is why he fails but then Harry shows up and he offers to

machete her out of the wreckage for a third of the treasure which he's fine agreeing to you because again he's the only fucking idiot who thinks there's magic treasure in the Mexican jungle. So we actually stumbled on the correct solution that was basically our solution. Yeah hit it with a hit it with a sword she changes shirts which is pretty great but from the from behind and Mandroid checks her out because there's still a little humanity left in him and she checks Mandroid out yeah he's like huh you see these titties you like these yeah you're not all robot huh just my dog arms but not his boner arm uh the Mandroid starts remembering the Roman soldiers and Denise is like oh good your memory is coming back not oh holy shit this correlates with the

other time travel evidence we've been finding no um Harry starts making fun of spots the trying to establish other relationships but a spot takes no shit he shoots him with a laser like a second a joke and then we're not friends in that way he says hold on and takes a slight right and Mandroid just falls out of the boat just with the gentlest of turns it's not it's not presented as an obstacle or dramatic moment he's just like let me redirect the boat water and they lose him yes your eliminator jam your cyborg just fell in the water what do you do okay that's what they do in the movie yeah you're right you can leave him for dead almost instantly

so now they cut back to the evil villain and Reeves is putting on a robot arm and he's got like a full jigsaw face now uh not jigsaw like the comic like he's got like patchwork or Frankenstein face and here comes super hillbilly running into his office and he shoots him with electricity instantly and then after that he says report so he did not even know his bad news yet he's already torturing his henchmen he was just like I got I you know what this is a new toy I never treat myself I'm gonna electrocute him a little bit one of my favorite parts he's like boss there's this real jerk out there the boat oh fucking hate this hairy guy anyway he's got a torpedo shooting guy in his boat and Reeves is like

a genius so he's like hmm this could be mandroid and then hillbilly's like you know you might be rad so like he he hadn't put it together yet I don't think he was out there hunting mandroid he's just like he was just having a good time he's just partying he's just tearing ass in his speedboat picks him up by his neck with his palpatine arm fucking force lightning now you fail me again and then I'm sure you guys have this in your notes oh he just gives him a little electric dick tickle just I wrote laser balls in my notes no I wrote down exactly electric dick tickle that's oh and I it didn't seem like it hurt him that much like it was just a fun one he's like no we're still you we're still cool sorry I'm being a bad boss here you go just uh just a little

sexual harassment uh so now back in the water mandroid who's been left for dead just leaves the water and spot can swim too again with everyone forgot about spot no one's like oh shit spots in there too they're just like fuck I you can't we drop the robots in the water they're dead so there's never that much danger uh mandroid's like hey can you go find our people uh and spots like dude I'm too wet I can't fly so here's your load it down load it down with semen yeah if he wasn't so filled with semen he'd probably be okay but he is so here's your eliminators jam your friends ditched you in the river and uh left without you what do you do do you need to recruit yeah we got the caveman guide who's just gone completely psychotic with

fear and incomprehension we got this 14-year-old high caddy who's been doing a lot of lifting and we got the dragon who's had the chance to play I do think we need to recruit and I think I think our most important priority right now is recruiting some better friends to just have a real bitch session about this right just I and they he took a he took a hard turn he knows I'm a robot he knows I'm heavy as fuck and uh they didn't even really slow down they just just fucking took off and I need some friends to be like uh-huh yeah that sucks dude we wouldn't we wouldn't have done that to you so like maybe like a David and uh you know what how about a Kenzie oh okay and a Ken I'm gonna write that down a Kenzie who's just a really good

friend yeah they're just really good friends and they're uh they're gonna listen and I think everyone has to bring very specialized skills but I do think just being a good friend you'd still know that um if you need to find your friends who ditched you in the river you just go the one fucking direction of the river the direction you were already going right so I think you're fine I think uh their their skills and friendship should translate well to just going one direction uh by the way the boat is broken down again uh and while they're trying to not fix it Harry's just dragging it through the water like like an ox like an ox he just just grabbed from under the water by something in the river so here's your eliminator's jam

you're under attack by cavemen water cavemen I mean this is the scenario built for Brockway right yeah I'm gonna fuck all those cavemen I'm going to come out of the river this filthy horrible river just like the bond girl right out of the beach flipping my hair back water streaming down my body my smooth man body un un marred by caveman prosthetics which they have never seen before and are complete as we will establish in an upcoming scene are completely in love with uh there's a ton to shreds yeah they they love this so yes thank you um now I am going to take a lot of your stamina away because water's a terrible lubricant and there are like 14 of them yes so uh not sure how much more that you have in you but uh in the movie they just are easily

captured uh they the cavemen have an underwater cage that they have rigged to like capture a man and then get raised out of the water they grab nor they're very interested in this uh in this brawless woman uh and then back at back with mandroid he finds a fucking ninja sucking fish out of the river with his hand it's awesome both movies I've been on this podcast talking about have fish and ninjas that's incredible you're our ninja fish specialist and the only movie is going forward we will invite you back for we'll have prominent fish and ninja things you're welcome anytime as long as there are ninjas and fish in the same scene can I just say uh I had to pause and look look at the timestamps here this there's

only a half hour left of movie when they introduce cavemen and ninjas in back to back scenes like fucking movie there's only 30 minutes left including credits you cannot introduce ninja and caveman complications but you you fucking you do when you pull it off absolutely did pull it off this ninja kooji is the son of dr. takata the man who the only person who is killed in this movie at the start um mandroid says your father is dead you're not the only one with a score to settle and then boom the ninja is on the team so they are real power heavy on this side of the movie they've got a ninja they got a cyborg they've got a robot that can teleport and the other side has a boat guide and a robot repair woman just getting dominated by several cavemen uh Denise

is using her science ability to try to like uh navigate the situation she's like smile but don't show teeth that's a sign of a great show she's teaching them like like apes um the elderly caveman is super gropey uh and he grabs Harry's ass and Harry goes fruity caveman I was sure you were gonna have that on the soundboard I didn't I didn't even put it because my impersonation is so good here's your jam your limit is jam fruity cavemen oh I burned fucking cavemen so early dork you gotta help me this might be your fault yeah I might have converted them dork I've I made my bed and I don't want to sleep in it it's all wet spot okay perfect well then I'll I'll just uh I'll just start talking at them I presume they don't understand English so I'll just start telling them

about the movie catacombs which is actually the curse for even though it was made before the first curse movie and by that point they would have probably fallen asleep this is good uh fast talking always works in an 80s movie yeah actually fully taught us that so uh the cavemen that is how they get out of the scene too basically fast talk sir yeah uh yeah we should talk about that because Harry's plan is he's he's like hey would you kiss me goodbye she's like what the fuck no dude like he he literally asked her in a in a way that's like hey we're gonna die here let's kiss goodbye she gives him a clear note and then he does anyway but it's part of the plan he hands her a couple of bullets and he's like throw these in the fire and then he just starts punching cavemen

so she throws some bullets in the fire and they're like oh no a popping fire ah and I don't know if anyone's ever uh seen a fire probably probably most people but they pop sometimes so the cave but the cavemen are like gone they're they're running away uh this is where the ninja shows up and num chucks one of them uh spot and shows us one man droid takes one out so they each one they each take a caveman out um and so like it's great they they've solved the caveman problem but here's what's kind of weird this would be the end of it for most movies but here the sexual assault comes back up she's like hey why did you need to kiss me for that plan and uh I have a clip here you know they don't speak English so why why didn't you just say Nora throw your bullets in the fire

wouldn't have gotten your free smooch you lousy hey let's get out of here while we still can okay what you can't see is her very aww shucks smile she was into it the whole time so here's your eliminators jam your co-worker is acting very inappropriately dragon yeah i'm not qualified for this scenario at all i think i'm the co-worker uh yeah i you are getting a pretty big rag tag team and as the company grows you might need an hr department i don't think your dragon would handle this very well no um oh let's recruit an hr department okay uh so we uh this is perfect so now you have an hr department you know what i'm going to insist that the head our hr rip is also a kenzie and we'll call her kenzie too

perfect and it'll be kind of cute to us but she'll always feel like she comes second in our hearts because of it mm-hmm that's a good that's a good point that's gonna really daring move for someone in hr if you're gonna give them the number two spot everybody hates hr yeah i hate hr fuck hr fuck you kenzie too suck my dick oh dammit dammit sorry kenzie too the worst kenzie uh so they run over and steal a caveman rafts and um here's when oh yeah it's clear kooji is just like stealing he's gonna steal the rest of the movie because it's just a raft they just get on the raft and the whole time he's looking around and putting his hands out and sneaking god you can't take your eyes off him he's just fucking mesmerizing so ninja uh but now you're in an eliminators jam

cavemen are chasing your raft they got their shit together i go phew which is awesome yes that's a caveman arrow yeah i'm sorry this is our this is our this is our problem yeah let's let's use kenzie too his propeller feet which he has we try not to bring it up but yeah we should use i think bringing those up at work uh is inappropriate and i feel like um you're gonna that's a demerit that's a ragtag squad demerit practically racist but i'll allow it she'll say she'll reluctantly say in this emergency i suppose my propeller feet will be handy but uh these are my propeller feet uh my and we'll never bring it up again i don't know yeah so uh that's how they do it in the movie uh the android sticks his feet in the water and turns on his jet boots it does not

go well the first thing he says is my function shoot across the river like 40 50 feet and um they all fall out of the raft except of course koojee who just like lands it and squats it out like a full sneaky ninja i think he does a front flip and then lands it and he looks back this god he steals every scene he's in he does like a flip he lands it and then he looks back disappointed at everybody who didn't land it like fucking weak ass ninjas you guys not ninjas like are you not in a ninja movie with me because this is a ninja movie since i got here what i love about this scene is that um already things have gone so bad but these guys have bows and arrows the cavemen arrows go this far also they've established them as underwater cavemen

like they can just live in the bottom of the river and so they are not out of danger but the movie just sort of assumes like yeah we solve the caveman issue uh harry now quits he's given up trying to figure out what movie this is he's like this is too silly uh i'm clearly not the right guy for this movie uh he says uh robots cavemen kung fu what is this a comic book is this is this some kind of weird ass science fiction right and dian crossby looks at him and just goes yep for like 12 seconds it's just yep this is weird ass science fiction you figured out you figured out what mover you're in and he's like then i quit the movie yeah this is bullshit but she does sit him down and tell him the whole story they fade out so at this point the only

person that actually knows what's going on is harry uh not the audience uh they do find mandroids tank legs and they send spot to find the base there's a little bit where mandroid unveils his tank legs and he looks like he looks to everybody else and nobody is impressed and he looks so annoyed because i don't know why he played it that way they just like god damn it i went to this uh actors i am db and he basically did mandroid and very little else and he has one of those great i am db profiles where it's just like all of his headshot pictures like he couldn't decide on a headshot picture so it's like eight of them in the same shirt with the same smile and it's it's it's so unnerving he can smile he can smile and i think he's trying

to prove that he's like i'm not just the mandroid i can smile this way smile slightly to the left anyway it's great look him up the ninja knows about the time travel so now denise crossby has pieced it together then he's like oh yes reeves he was working with my dad and he's got time travel and he's like holy shit this would explain the 15 time travel elements uh now and yet somehow we're in a movie where the time travel does not explain the ninja or the cyborg or the hillbillies for that matter like you you would assume all of these elements would come from the time travel unrelated unrelated uh here comes super hillbilly with two guys on three wheelers shooting roman candles at them because here's your eliminators jam three punks on atvs are shooting fireworks at you

oh my god just says combine golf cart with dragon yes i mean it's right there i gotta do it and what look maybe he did such a good job we'll give control to the caveman guide uh of this of this terrifying concoction and then we've gone like full hannah barbara on it yeah and that's like when he finally is a part of the team and he's like smiling because he gets the fun chaos of the dragon cart yeah that all comes together and we've got we've got something that plays after fucking herkyloids yes i'd watch it i would have also accepted just the hr rep telling them that they can't do that i'm gonna call your parents uh i think she's sulking because we we we did bring up the propeller feet again yeah

this section of the movie it makes me laugh the hardest because when mandrid just drives up a little bit of a hill and just flops over it's like facial expressions just like yeah whatever okay now i'm just gonna die anyway i can't believe they showed that the tank is just a really ineffective bad thing like the first time it has to do all terrain it just tips over and they show it and then he has to like awkwardly get out be like fuck fuck yeah he only uses it for like eight feet in the movie and it's like oh okay i guess you really needed that mobile unit probably 30 of the budget too to actually build it yeah it's incredible it's really good so cyborg uh he does take most of them out in just the most insanely

unfair fight uh until he tips over and uh there's another thing i'd love like the ninja is really amazing in the scene because he's just posing taking a few steps posing taking a few steps and there's like a three-wheeler just kind of trotting along next to him uh and then norah gets in a knife fight with a guy and he's like oh i'm gonna kill you and the ninja shows up and he scares him off power ranger style it's just this is when the tone like hits hits the climax where it's super non-lethal and giggly and um uh mandroid in the middle of this in the middle of all this joy says please dismantle me he's discovered that revenge won't satisfy him but he also can't self-terminate which is a very robot thing to not be able to do

and so uh his programming won't let him kill himself so he has to ask a friend to kill him i'm so fucking embarrassed about the tank tread thing i'm not going to get over it so uh here's your eliminator's jam your mandroid friend is having thoughts of self-harm oh bring the friends in yeah we got to bring the friends in perfect nobody reported to fucking kenzie too i swear to god she's just gonna make it into a bigger thing she's still drying kenzie one it's very specifically for david and kenzie one all right i'll allow it uh it's fine in the movie uh denise crossby reminds him of his wife and kid and then you're not gonna believe me if you haven't seen the movie kisses him on the mouth passionately remember you have a wife and

kid and then she and then let's make out thank you mandroid this movie is fucking nuts the ninja's the only one that doesn't get laid uh spot shows up at this point and he is apoplectic with fury like he's so jealous uh he sees this kiss and he just starts shooting lasers everywhere so here's your eliminator's jam your tiny robot it's in a jealous murder rage i'm coming it he's not he's not full of enough semen he won't be able to do this that will absolutely overload it his semen things are beyond established it's his weakness i've been waiting for this moment all right like state of readiness to fuck that robot you erotically navigate the lasers make love to the robot and it explodes in a a semen eruption uh in the movie the ninja just does a flying jump stab because there's no

problem at any point in this movie the ninja can't easily solve it does it does yes yes i love it um reeves has somehow reprogrammed it and it came back here to kill them uh he's now now that it's dead it sends a little wizard of Oz head out them out and it's like turn back now or die because this movie is just completely off the rails and it's just going by super friends rules because you also have to remember that reeves that they're here to stop reeves because you've done so much shit and he hasn't been in the movie for like 40 minutes you're like oh right that guy what the fuck were we doing we thought it was just red mechs and cavemen yeah at this point they're in a regular movie there would have been a hostage situation or some way to get the villain

to talk to the main character but no not here uh so now um denise plugs in some stuff in the robot and and finds uh in his memory the entry point to the base so they head to the base they're ready now here's your eliminers jam there's a couple of very distracted guards how are you going to deal with that can we put the caveman into some kind of like sexy outfit yeah i'm tired i gave everything i had to that robot i think man distraction or would as hr gonna be a real yeah and he's gonna be a brat about it yeah uh yeah it's true you i guess the danger in getting too big a rag tag squad is now you're you're gonna eliminate some of the options why did we get an hr rip they always ruin every rag tag squad i've ever been in i would imagine she has a lot of notes about you fucking

that robot to death too in front of you yeah yeah yeah so you might be in a lot of trouble um luckily i feel like you could just walk past them because in the movie that's what they do they just wait for the guards to leave all right oh that's a nice pipe and uh right before they go in uh denise crossby kisses harry so again the ninja is the only one that's getting no action um um spot left out one part of this there was a giant industrial fan in this tunnel that they can't get past so here's your eliminators jam there's a huge industrial fan in the way hi catty he's gonna jump through it yeah this is moment he's ready he's on it instantly i also love that they find like a vent cover like velcroed to the wall of the compound that's how

they get into the shaft where the fan is they knew no one could get past the fan they didn't need to protect the shaft right um yeah we're we're sending our hi catty in there he's on it before we can even ask him and we're just gonna jam that fan with wet catty parts and uh and let's jump over let take your catty off the list don't take him off the list but put a strike through in his text yeah he's dead uh i would say that your hr rep is furious um i feel like kenzie and david are gonna need some time to deal with this who will propeller feet i think it works i think uh you you gummed it up with catty uh you really made a mess of your group dynamic but the fan has stopped and you can get through in the movie of course they solve this problem in the

fucking raddest way possible uh the ninja just jumps through the fan and then he times it so perfectly perfectly and then he kicks it in the weak spot on the backside which is just the middle of the fan which i kind of i rewound it it has the same sort of nub on the front so i feel like he could have just done that but we'll allow it it's so it's so i love how it's traded in the movie as so fucking sweet too like they all just stop and like did he just fucking jump through the they're starting to really enjoy the movie they're in yeah that was so cool that's why they had to introduce the ninja at the last 30 minutes because after that it's just all mint like he solves every problem every problem there's no need for anybody uh the by the way the the man droid is not with

them the man droids part of the plan we don't know but they've split up uh so we follow this team in and the ninja finds some latin papers and then he's crossbees translates it badly with their science skills and it's like oh he's gonna take over ancient Rome and the ninja says but if he changes the past and then that like they don't even have to finish like that's just fucking the terrifying implications of that just like hang there well they're fucking you already sent a cyborg back to laser blast entire squads of romans who are famous for taking notes because you're reading them right now yeah they would mention this man wait you are living in the broken timeline that created that's why there's all this shit happening that's why you've got

fucking ninjas and cavemen that doesn't make sense so then Harry takes uh he finds a little corona civic on a Caesar statue and he's like ooh little gold leaf hat i'm taking it alarm goes off so their stealth mission is over cut away we don't know how that's gonna end up man droid is the front door just calling Reeves out like a high school bully he's like you're most surrender to me my friends are inside your base doing super stealthy stuff it's over uh now we see that off camera our team has been captured so here's your eliminator's jam your plan has gone to shit and your team has been captured by three gunmen well i feel like i try to talk to them about my favorite phantasm but it doesn't work out which one's your favorite phantasm we'll decide that

phantasm too and why isn't your favorite because that's the one where he has the shotgun has like multiple barrels it's like a four barrel shotgun he welds it together these gunmen are very interested okay and that gives me the idea to recruit reggie or the tall man who are you talking about reggie's no no reggie reggie absolutely yeah reggie banister fucking pony tail and his his multi shotgun we're gonna recruit reggie from phantasm too and he has exactly as many barrels as he needs to shoot all of these people at the same time perfect uh so uh that's handled much better than the movie where uh the mandroid just starts dismantling himself and all of this stuff that keeps happening off camera uh hold on the dick arms are going to take a while just stand stand back some of these

will be squirting uh so off camera the the bad guys somehow have a giant disintegrator cannon no one thought to use until now so they're like this movie's got a death ray of course it does i won't get me on the death ray i won't shoot that mandroid it'll turn your atoms inside out was what they said yes hell yes so now the ninja remembers he's a ninja and just starts kicking dudes so fast they can't shoot anybody takes a throwing star throws it at the disintegrator cannon it's gone uh and then here comes a truly insane gunfight uh the good guys are just stuck in the center of this area uh oh just tell you the eliminators jam you are massively outgunned in the middle of an open area being shot at by men from an elevated cover position how do you get

out of this one i mean we've got let's review our team uh we've got the spirit of a 14-year-old hi caddy with us uh to inspire us we've got a caveman guide that has now completely lost his mind and given into the glee of chaos yeah uh we've got we still got that golf cart golf cart didn't die with him uh the dragon i'm gonna say the dragon's just kind of writing that now yeah we got david and kenzie and we're real good friends uh we got kenzie too who's kind of a bitch but we had to watch a six hour seminar the last time we said that uh and we've got reggie from phantasm too i think we've got enough offensive firepower here to just load up this fucking battle golf cart like a george miller movie and and i want i want this to be an all-in-one

firefight all yeah no need to recruit i think you're gonna win uh in the movie the ninja just goes around taking everybody out i think same word maybe got one uh and then if we had a ninja we wouldn't have to recruit anybody that this would be we would recruit the ninja at the start of the movie uh and the movie okay start over that was one of the rules no cyborgs no ninjas reeves is not super worried about this they're calling him out they're like reeves calm out uh and you'll you realize why reeves doesn't give a shit because he is uh decked out so here's your eliminator shim you face a time traveling mega cyborg with all manner of cyber weaponry uh throw kenzie too

no we probably can't do that uh i mean we can do that but he's just going to laser her to death with his he's also a roman robot so he's made himself into a a legionary robot transcending time i don't think hr really is equipped to deal with that uh since they're really just here to look out for the company he is known to strike at genitals without warning so he will just i'm gonna go ahead and strike out kenzie too since you have just demolished her i imagine that gets him that probably buys a couple of seconds as he's just thoroughly drenched in kenzie too blood uh we knew that the hr member wasn't gonna live except we threw her like a human grenade like a human water balloon of just i feel like you handled that about as well as the people in

this movie did because what they did in the movie was for mandroid to stand very still and get slowly lasered apart while everyone watches in a it's so gruesome like for this movie with its g-rated violence it's like suddenly looking at knee surgery footage and they won't even let the ninja help he's like hey i'll just go take him out they're like no no no no let's just watch our friends slowly die yeah and that was their plan that was the plan the whole time uh and now uh reeves has put them in a cyber cage so here's your eliminators jam you're trapped in a shrinking taser dome i love that he could just do that i love that he's got fucking superman two powers now he's just it's whatever don't question it it's okay i have chewed a laser that becomes a cage that shrinks now

but that's what you gotta deal with well i'm starting to regret having oh i guess we freed up a little space with kenzie too but we have a pretty big team here yeah can we dig they don't dig in the movie oh we recruit a digging hulk yes oh my god that's such a great team member you'd hulk dig hulk underground easily escaping the shrinking taser dome uh better than how they handled in the movie which was to uh just kind of hang out in it uh until mandroid slowly gets up and he is looking real rough they he they thought he was dead but he fights against his programming to eat the web also i have a clip of that don't touch the web it's charged he knows he's dead god i'm a little choked up it's such a beautiful moment so beautiful i love that the

ninja finally took just understands him completely and can narrate his thoughts at this point like yes connected with the mandroid he knows everybody he's gonna die he knows uh there is a cut of this movie at least there should be that's just the from the mandroids point of view and because he's just so miserable the entire time he dies before they get revenge so it's just he doesn't even know yeah and so and they don't even check with the robot expert before they like run inside so they leave him for dead for the third time in this movie and get there in time to watch Reeves getting into his time orb so here's your eliminators jam your enemy is escaping through history in his time orb i'm gonna say we lost david and kenzie here because they're gonna go ahead and stay with

mandroid uh because that's what good friends would do uh and probably i don't know call somebody see if there's anything they could do to help them as opposed to just nothing at all yeah um we are definitely we are definitely gonna give that dragon to reggie from phantasm too okay uh because that's a fucking sweet metal album cover yeah and he's ready for it and you know what the caveman on the back like arms around him one arm in that one arm in the sky that's the that's a metal album cover we're going with and i think that's an excellent vehicle to drive through time in pursuit of a roman legionary soldier i think fucking meatloaf wrote a song about that and i think we're gonna fulfill it like it's a prophecy uh fantastic answer and requires no new

recruiting so very good gamesmanship uh in the real movie denise crossby just sits down at the controls and she's like oh i'm working these time machine controls and i can read all this he's like oh damn it he landed in ancient rome i guess we can't win but then harry with full confidence of dirt bag riverboat guide just punches a nearby keyboard and every fucking thing in the lab explodes including the timelord back in like one jillian bc and uh reeves ends up getting out i think they say 14 million bc or some some nonsense number but anyway he is uh i can hold on baby i've punched a lot of vending machines i gotten a lot of junior mints like this i got it and uh she says habit reeves is the ruler of nothing freeze frame end

a couple of things here you're skipping that he the this total sweet or at least underplaying the total sweetness of of how long uh reeves raises his arms to the sky and screams no oh just got out on him it's the best the best screaming to the sky i've ever seen and also he was just sent a fucking master of time roman cyborg to the origins of life and you're like problem solved problem solved yeah it's fantastic i loved his crazy grin when he got out of his time orb too he's like i'm here i'm gonna say oh no this is bullshit i'm gonna rip ass through ancient oh damn it i'm so glad they end on a freeze frame laugh like a jackie chan movie

i've said it before i'll say it again it's the perfect end to any movie like if you don't know what to do freeze frame laugh and we're all like yep that's it they're all happy except for anyone that remembers mandroid and the life of suffering and then we cut to the outtakes of all the times the drunken hillbillies hurt themselves he has a wife and kid we just cheated on his wife and kid they haven't seen him in at least a year but like they're presumably alive he could have called them anyway brockway i'd like you to go through your list while i play the eliminator's theme song all right we've got a 14 year old hi caddy with golf car we've got long dead long dead we've got a caveman forest guy driven completely insane by the forces of chaos we've

got david and kenzie good friends we've got kenzie too kind of a b word that's acceptable right kenzie too no no we've got a dragon we've got a diggable hulk the only thing he does is dig baby but it's enough we've got reggie from phantasm too and we've got i'm just gonna say meatloaf we got meatloaf in with that last one what a team what a ragtag team well durk thank you for being with us for a eliminator's podcast oh here at 1900 hot dog daycare we believe every child can be supreme now let's meet a few of our precious tots three finger louie

erin crosston adrian h adin muet get well soon we're all rooting for you no alpha scientist java we do not cull the wheat here unandy andreus larcen badger transformers aren't food no especially not if you're a transformer that's fucked up vanguards iran and bin talzer brandon garlock brian sailor you need to poke air holes in the play-doh mask or this game of mummy gets way too real brian whitney brockway loves the meat milling yes he does burrito mountain serral don't touch that never touch that i don't even understand how you're touching that rev chance mcdermott chris brower curious glare tan b the artist formerly known as devon sweetie knives are for grown-ups and revenge only dean castello don fennie

dr. awkward eric spalding fancy shark jell-o now see greg cunningham needs those knives for revenge and now he doesn't have them do you see why we save the knives ham bone haraca hot fart very funny jaber al-aid james boyd jeff oraski fire is not your friend if anything it's more of a lover jeremy neal john dean john hector mcfarland john mcammon josh fabian joshua graves i don't care how many rats you tied together you cannot ride them like a magic carpet josh s ken paisley k&m m jahe sheppell matt riley max baroy i know you mean well but what you're doing is called compromat michael lair michael wells mickey loman mike styles moju nd a smaller child is not a pet no matter how much they perp

neil bailey neil shafer nick ralston hazi ulman patrick herbst the amazing rain get your fingers out of there the bible strictly forbids it it's very clear reanna sarkovsky chan chase don't actually fuck yeah i think you can make that jump let's see it spotting reception super not 10h thomas kabatos i don't think you can make that jump but i want nothing more in this world than to be wrong let's fucking see it it timmy lehi toasty god tom sakula tommy jean weyland russell yosarian armando nava you're you're actually doing great gold star don't don't attack the other children with the gold star