The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 104, Bigfoot Shootout! with Drew Toothpaste And Natalie Dee

Episode Date: January 4, 2023

Brockway challenges Seanbaby and guests Drew Toothpaste and Natalie Dee to an old-fashioned fish fry, claim dig, and Bigfoot Shootout! It's the sasquatch blastin' barbecue event of the season, so put on your ape assault apron and get ready to gun duel bigfeet!

One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power,

You're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on. You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog.

One nine zero zero zero. Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone nine thousand. The official podcast of one nine hundred hot dog. The final form of American comedy websites. I'm bonded blood ape Robert Brockway. And with me is my comedy partner and psychic Sasquatch master.

Sean baby. I'm a thunder brother. Oh, you're thunder brother too. I see. I know. I know there's a reason we go so well together. I'm 11 types of Sasquatch. Yeah.

I'm the native type. I'm the partner type to your Squatch and our guests today. She is a noble forest ape lost to time and he's a blood thirsty hillbilly with a shotgun society will never allow their love. It's Natalie D and Drew toothpaste. How's it going? Happy to be in the dog. Yeah.

Happen to be in the dog zone yet again. It's awesome. To faced in the D in the dog zone. If we seem exhausted, it's because this is our most curse podcast. Our third try trying to get this podcast and every single one has been sabotaged by big feet. This didn't even start out as a big foot podcast. It's now a big foot podcast for revenge.

Like we're just mad. All right. So before we Squatch out with our Squatch out with our crotch out. I got there before we Squatch out with our crotch out. Tell us where to find you on the internet. Natalie and Drew. Well, we are at garbage brain university. That's where you can have our podcast.

We have a whole bunch of episodes of garbage brain and we've started a new project called everything is real where we're talking about how everything is real. Yeah. We drive into everything from conspiracy theories, the paranormal, cryptids, quantum mechanics, science, outer space, inner space, the hollow earth, the flat earth, cultism, magic, all of it. All the good stuff. And we talk about how it's all real.

Interspace the shrinking, the shrinking down and going inside. Yes. Absolutely. Inside the atom, dude. Dennis Quaid has been real this whole time. Right. Now that I don't believe, I believe in every single subspecies of Bigfoot, but I will never believe in Dennis Quaid.

I'm sure this new approach to your podcast has earned you a steady and stable, entirely grounded new fan base. We've been catching some good ones lately, some good new ones. So I'm not going to go too far into it, Brockway, but we got one guy that came in when we had a cover image of aliens sucking sadness out of people's heads and he came in, he was like, yes, this is what I've been waiting for. And then we did an episode about how the Virgin Mary is an alien and he immediately canceled and he was like, I thought this was serious.

I thought this was a serious podcast. That's the one thing. That's the one thing I believe in and all the rest is ridiculous. That's right. Sucking out sadness. Aliens suck our sadness. And I'm here to talk about that and nothing else. Right.

My wife brought up sadness, man. They just feed on it. It's all they're into. My wife runs an urgent care. And this very day, a patient pulled out a magic crystal and rubbed it on her leg. She's like, oh, hold on and give me a second before we check this. And she rubbed a crystal on her leg. You probably can't hear it because my dog is absolutely losing her fucking mind.

But magic's real. Well, she didn't die. Well, it worked then. And they did put her in the death machine. Through her right in the furnace, just it wouldn't burn. Why are you at urgent care if you have crystal and believe in crystal powers? I agree. My mom is also crazy and she tried to heal me with crystals for almost

a full calendar year. So like if I had a headache and I'd like, wow, I just need some aspirin. She's like, no, no, no. Lay down and I'll rub the power crystal near your temples. Oh, hey, my mom's also crazy. And she tried to heal me with shark magic. Like deep, deep down shark magic. What?

I have never. I've never heard of shark magic. Yeah. She was just like, it's some sort of, it's some sort of like essence of shark that you can take or are given somehow. I very carefully avoided details. Anointed with the shark. Yeah, I don't know if you're injected, if you eat it,

or if somebody just like sprays you with with shark essence or something, but somehow it's the cure to everything. And she knows that because she was apparently going to die of cancer in like a day and then somebody hit her with shark essence and she was cured. So she was cured with the shark. Yeah. My mom owes her life to undersea shark magic. There's nothing, then it is real, right?

And I will thank you not to disparage it on this podcast. I'm going to have to look up that shark magic. It seems like it's legitimate. I'm sure it was called something, but you'll get there with deep sea shark magic. Shark magic against cancer. One with the sharks. That's a fun thing to learn.

Yeah, that's your Broadway fact. All right. Well, let's get started. Are you all ready for the rootness, tootness, big, footness, hairy, hoedown, showdown around town? Absolutely. Let's go. Yeah.

All right. Can I get a yip-yip? Yippity-yip-yip. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I gently annoy a fox in here? I said, can I get a yip-yip? Bout of duty, bout of duty. All right.

Well, this is, this takes me back. Go on, big foot. Go on, get it. We're coming for you, big foot. You're going to play the whole podcast? This is the podcast. This is just taking you. You got to match this energy.

Come up to it. Woo-hoo. Come on, big foot. Go on. Come on, man. You're never going to look. I'm ready. I'm ready.

You know, Sean said he got two big foot rifles. I got zero big foot rifles, man. OK, I'll send a big foot rifle. I'm ready to shoot, dude. I got two big foot rifles right here. They're called lift fist and right fist. Foot punch out. I have a little money.

I'm dancing. I'm dancing, but this is not a visual video. You don't want to play. You don't want to play. Here we come, big foot. All right. Today we're talking about playing the whole thing. Gray Barker's Big Foot Shootout.

Oh, buddy. This is a book, if you couldn't tell. I don't know how on earth you would tell from that. It could be just like that audio cassette. Yeah, I actually found that as the fastest banjo in the world. I figured that was only appropriate for this podcast. Yeah, sure. If you're ever going to catch a big foot,

you need the fastest banjo music in the world. Well, a lot of them will challenge you to a fiddle off when you catch them. To a banjoff? That's like fast walking music. So I'm going to start off by asking you because we are amateur big footologists, as I'm sure you know, we've talked about it multiple times.

But I'm really not sure how fast they move. Any time I've seen video of a big foot, it's been kind of just lurking and slumping through the woods. Are they fast or they like fast like the banjo music? What's happening? Well, there are many. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, there are many, many subspecies of big feet.

So I think it all depends. Mountain Monsters alone has 150 species of big feet per episode. And they're all very fast. Like they'll make some big foot noise and then they'll be gone before the caravan can turn. Okay. Convenient. They're mysterious though.

They probably just blink out. Yeah. Generally, the prevailing belief I think seems to be, and we'll get to it somewhat in this book, which you wouldn't assume from Bigfoot Shootout that we would get to weird metaphysical shit, but they definitely get into Bigfoot. It's like a slider.

Bigfoot has a sliding device and shunts between dimensions. And that's okay. Because that's what I think is going on. Honestly. Because otherwise, here's that big brain. Otherwise, we won't have seen them by now. Right? Absolutely.

And you know, there's in all of the native cultures of North and South America, Europe, Asia, Africa, basically all the main continents, there is Bigfoot baked into the lore of the native people like prehistoric, like pre-Ice Age going back. There are tales of essentially a humanoid, hairy creature that's bigger than a man and is hidden in the forest.

And why would that be unless he could shunt in and out of the fourth dimension beyond time? Well, I think he's interdimensional because otherwise we would have found the corpse by now. Exactly. You would have found something. Every time you shoot him. Nope.

He just, he blinks out so fast and he's so big and slow. He has to have other things going on. Bigfoot's got nightcrawler powers. It's the only explanation. He travels at the speed of Banjo. Sometimes usually very slow, but other times inconceivably fast. 150 miles per hour. Easily.

That was top speed for Banjo. Top speed of Bigfoot. We clocked it. That was science retroactively. Squashing 150. Yeah. And you got to realize that he's only in forested areas. And so this is like dodging through the trees.

This is not like a cheetah just straight across the grassland. Doesn't impress me. Bigfoot dodging through the trees, weaving back and forth 150 miles an hour. There's nobody that can touch that. It's that scene from Return of the Jedi. Just zipping in and out of the forest on his speeder bike. Maybe that's why when a Bigfoot fucks up and hits a tree,

they just detonate into nothing. Just sitting right in the park. Absolutely. Yeah. So that's one of the main discrepancies that you find when you start digging into Bigfoot. Like Natalie just mentioned, there's no Bigfoot corpse and no Bigfoot bones anywhere.

And that's impossible to explain without dimensional shunting technology. Maybe they're made of very delicious meat. Like the second it hits the ground, the animals just boom. And soft, soft bones. Just jello bones. Real flexible. All right. Today we're talking about Gray Barker's Bigfoot shoot out.

A subtitle is terrifying tales of interspecies conflict. You guessed it. It's exclusively about gunfighting Bigfeet, an entire book about gunfighting Bigfeet. You're welcome. Of course. Now, we did talk about this very briefly on a bonus podcast before. We never did get into the book itself.

So we, we are very, very much not prepared to beat Sasquatch in a gunfight right now. Like I don't know how you are. Sean brought. Yeah. Sean brought some Bigfoot rifles. I'm not, I'm worried about the listeners at home that might not be aware of Bigfoot gun dueling rules.

So we do have to fix that. I mean, if I'm, if I'm not prepared, then I can't imagine anybody else would be. It's the most of the most. I've always been ready for this. I've been born for this. And yet nobody in this book very much is. They are all caught unawares in some way by various Bigfeets who,

well, well, let's just get into the jacket cop. Here's the jacket copy to Gray Barker's Bigfoot shootout. This 1983 book, which was way ahead of its time 30 years before shows like shooting Bigfoot. So there's a show called shooting Bigfoot and they're really mad that somebody took this premise from them. Features Barker's musings on the unusual intersection of Bigfoot UFOs and firearms, as well as special reports submitted to the

him at his Saucerian headquarters in Riffle, West Virginia. Okay. Saucerian. Saucerian. He lives in like a disc shaped home. This is from, I guess originally was collected in magazines called the new Saucerian, which, which he publishes, of course, who else would.

And I love that it's in Riffle. Riffle, West Virginia is the best name for a town that houses Saucerian headquarters. That's fantastic. You know, if you go into the hills here, I mean, we're in Ohio. And if you go into the hills here in Ohio, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, you're going to get some of the most fantastic town names you've ever seen. You're going to get torn apart by Bigfoot is what's going to happen.

That too. I actually went down to some cold mining town in Southern Ohio recently with a friend of mine and we rolled in and people had Bigfoot signage all over the place. Like they had seen Bigfoot in the area. Oh, hell. Did you, did you go hunting? Did you hunt some squash?

I was actually there on a paranormal investigation. So I did not have time for the Bigfoot. I was investigating ghosts that day. See, if you were serious, you would know Bigfoot's the one real thing. Right. Well, you know, I have to focus on one thing at a time. Otherwise I can't really excel in my quest. Did you find any ghosts?

Yeah, actually, we did. We did some creepy stuff and we, we investigated at this house where we were interviewing this woman and her husband was the mayor and we were investigating their house and running recordings and stuff through their house and asking them about all the stuff that happened there. We got some creepy recordings from the house though. Sounded like guys groaning and stuff. It was weird.

Bigfoot ghosts. Yeah. Might have been Bigfoot ghosts. Yep. No, we solved it. That's it. The end. Thank you.

Good podcast, everybody. Now, Brockway, this is what intrigues me about Gray Barker's Bigfoot shootout is that we've talked about how Bigfoot is maybe a ghost. Bigfoot can travel so fast. I want to know. What kind of person thinks that they can get Bigfoot before he disappears into the fourth dimension or before he runs away? A hero.

He'll prepared hillbillies drunk and ready for combat. There's a lot of them and that's pretty much the only people that Bigfoot shows up to. Going back to the story, I think it's a little bit of a mystery. There's a lot of them and that's pretty much the only people that Bigfoot shows up to. Going back to the book jacket, this smorgasbord of high strangeness delves into alarming matters such as Bigfoot's surveillance of livestock and humans. He's watching. Bigfoot's watching.

The kidnapping of prospectors. Bigfoot kidnaps. And the mystifying aerial lights that seem to provide cover for these dastardly disease. He's in league with the aliens. Maybe they just emit a strange gas. Have you ever heard of Bigfoot fart? They are neon green and light up. That's fun fact.

That's every UFO sighting is a Bigfoot part. I can't imagine that Bigfoot is eating good. He's got to be like a raccoon, like eating garbage and tree. Prospectors. You don't think people leave stuff out for Bigfoot in Bigfoot areas like Santa and cookies. They leave out like some burgers, burgers for the Bigfoot. That's probably why he has that smell to him.

Yeah. Old burgers and stuff. He doesn't get to him for days. Bigfoot wants something other than burgers. Bigfoot dying. Somebody needs to leave a multi vitamin out for Bigfoot. Just once, like once a week. Five or four Bigfoot please.

Guys, I started in a non-profit that leaves out vitamins for Bigfoot. Not the craziest thing we'll get to this podcast. For example, the last paragraph of the book jacket. Again, this is just the paragraphs on the book. Tell you why you want to buy it. Does Bigfoot occasionally kidnap, terrorize, hypnotize and attack human beings? Why would you ask? Can you shift or disappear before your very eyes?

Here's my favorite part. If you shoot him point blank with a machine gun, will he just laugh at you? Yes, he will. The answer to all of these may surprise you is yes. He will just... I've become immune to machine guns eons ago. Finally, are the ape men stockpiling weapons stolen from unwitting civilians hoping to turn the tables at some future date?

Yes. Fucking book. Yes. You know, that never has even occurred to me that they are just waiting. That they're building an arsenal out of our guns. They want you to come into the forest and shoot at them so that they can arm their Bigfoot army. Well, they do think being shot is very funny. So maybe they're taking the guns for a big comedy special?

Maybe they're just disarming us. Maybe they're just like, you guys have too many of these. You keep shooting at us for no reason. Just give them over. Good fucking luck. Good fucking luck, Bigfoot. Infinite guns. It has no idea.

No idea. Running out of place to store in the caves just full of assault rifles. Bigfoot think this is American problem. So of this book, most of them were really good guns. They all involved gun play, but some of them were pretty light gun play. I picked only the most gunfighting as to Bigfoot stories to talk about today. First, we're just going to get, of course, first, we're going to get to the introduction of the book, which is itself completely insane. Gray Barker wrote this and he starts off with one of the first secrets I was forced to keep was my sighting of what I thought was Mothman in 1973.

I made the mistake of mentioning it on the school bus right after it happened and was instantly hit with a barrage of jeers. When I escaped the situation, I acted like I was, quote marks, just kidding. But as readers of my Mothman's photographer trilogy know, I was not kidding. Jokes on those bus bullies. Was he a student on the bus or was he in the bus driver? No, this was as a child. He saw Mothman. He was just a local stowaway on the school bus.

A 40 year old man who was sleeping there. And instantly bullied by all the other children so that he had to act like, no, I was just kidding anyways. Kids ain't never seen a Mothman. Now, Andy and I live pretty close to West Virginia and I have, when I was in college, I had friends who were from Point Pleasant, which is where that Mothman thing happened. My friend said that all of her aunts and uncles, all of her older family members were all completely sold on Mothman. And some of them said that they had seen Mothman. Fantastic. I don't know why Mothman is less credible to me than Bigfoot, but he is.

I don't know. I would at least have a beer with you if you were like, I want to talk to you about Bigfoot. But if you're like, I want to talk to you about Mothman. I'm holding out for the Bigfoot guy. I think there's truth to be found in everything. It's not necessarily true, but there are things about the story that are probably. Well, remember when I was a very young boy, my science teacher explained to me that like once an insect gets too big, like it collapses on itself, like just the way their lungs and exoskeleton work. If you get a bug that's too big, it just doesn't work.

And so I guess that's why Mothman is a little less credible. He's a man. He's a man. He's like Jeff Goldbloom in the fly. Oh, yeah. That explains it. It's perfect explanation, much like the interdimensional Bigfoot. It answers all my questions.

And thank you. And I think, you know, I think Mothman, the idea of Mothman is that he always shows up when there's something bad about to happen, like the bridge across the Ohio River falling down. People said they saw Mothman before the stock market collapsed. They saw Mothman before 9-11. It's just sort of like an omen. Harbinger of doom. Yeah, Harbinger of doom, exactly. Whereas Bigfoot is neutral.

Bigfoot is out. You could have a good time if Bigfoot shows up. This could be an omen for like a sweet party. It could be. There will be several less guns in the neighborhood. If you, if you want to get Bigfoot cracking up, just start shooting. That's how you put him in a good mood. Gray Barker does use the intro to talk about Mothman.

He says, I had three good friends who lived next to where I saw Mothman. All of them also saw Mothman years apart. One of them predicted the 9-11 attacks. You predicted this all the way back in 1967 because Mothman told him about it. What? That is just really something. No, not because of a vision or because of my big, or because Mothman showed up before the plane hit.

Mothman just showed up and was like, hey, watch out for 9-11. In 34 years. Listen, listen, in 34 years. Okay, okay, Mothman. Prepare them. Like I'm going to listen to a fucking Mothman jerk off motion. Gray Barker also explains that this is an ongoing problem with him that has ruined his whole life.

He's constantly accosted by Big Feet several different times. My companions and I were assailed by screaming whales, red eyes, tree-knocking, stomping, movements in the brush just beyond the light of the campfire. This happened all throughout the country. I have no explanation for it until I learned that I was a quarter Native American. That explains so much. This happens on Mountain Monsters a lot too where some strange things are happening and then you're like, oh, it's because there's a little Indian ghost.

And then you're like, yes. Or someone will be like 4% Cherokee. And that is why the ghosts can speak to them. Right, he didn't know. He didn't know why he was being harassed by Big Feet all his life. And then he was like, oh, I'm a little bit Native American. And that's why all Native Americans are so fucking sick of Big Foot. He just harasses every single one throughout their entire life.

On their newsletter, they're just like, get over it, Big Foot. Come on. Do you think there's any kind of ghost or any kind of paranormal kind of creature that talks to you because you have English blood? Because I mean, a lot of Americans have a lot of English Irish blood. And so I got to think there's some gnome out there. And like the 100% Native Americans cannot see it. And I'm like, bro, there's a gnome right here.

This is the English gnome. Listen, I'm like 70, dude, I'm 78% Irish. I can see this guy. You gotta get the smoke out of the casino, man. He's going to take your pencils out of your drawers and rearrange them. Man, it's over for you. I'm almost like, I went and looked up by Heritage one time and I'm almost like 100% English and only the evil kind,

like the specifically the evil kind of English. So I'm just haunted by the deaths of all the colonies. This is all your fault, huh? Yeah, I just see dead people that deserve better everywhere. God, these segues are so great to everything in this chapter because you won't believe this. But Gray Barker says, a Buddhist priest once told me that I was a reincarnated monk.

I suppose this could be the reason spirits are attracted to me. The skeptic in me was always a bit dubious of that pronouncement until I learned that my matrilineal DNA stretches all the way to Tibet about 20,000 years ago. 40,000 years ago at the origin of Buddhism. So what kind of crappy monk was he that he was reborn as a guy who's tormented before? Oh, I'm glad you asked. He is a vampire.

It's a savage burn, Natalie. He is a vampire monk, the enemy of all big feet. He goes on to say, our mitochondrial passage through the Caucasus region also makes me a likely relation of Vlad the Impaler, which even today might explain why I attract certain vampiric spirits. Wow, he really has put the work in to figure out his own story. He's sort of, I would say,

he's really selling me on the idea that he's credible, is what I'm saying. He's getting his paperwork in order. Yeah, it worked on me. He's legit. If he's an ancient monk and a vampire, but also kind of a ghost and a little bit of an Indian, I'm like, this guy knows what he's talking about.

And best friends with Mothman. Yeah, he's made to deal with Bigfoot then. I can see where this is going. He knows the guy who talked to Mothman 34 years before 9-11. I don't know. I feel like you can't get more qualified than that. No, not really. And you know, honestly, if I had seen Mothman in 1967,

now I wasn't privileged to be alive then. But if I had and Mothman would be like, remember this day to 9-11, 2001, I'd be like, that sounds like a prophecy. I'm writing it down. Absolutely. I'm going to have some, I'm going to have some proof for this. 2001, you say, my God.

That would have sounded like the future. It still sounds like the future. I don't know why. You hear that and I still picture like, wow, the future. Yeah, the year 2000 had great marketing. It still sounds like the future. Are they going to market any other dates or is that the only one? Are we going to find another one that sounds good?

2099 is pretty good. Yeah. Oh, I'm not getting there, brother. Yeah, I'm not getting there either. I hope not. I'm done. I'm ready. I'm going to walk into the woods and try to gunfight a Bigfoot when my time is coming.

Do you think Bigfoot will have taken over by then? Do you think they'll have enough guns by 2099 to finally make their move? Almost absolutely, definitely, because we're already, I already have the answer to that question in the intro to the book. Gray Barker is the one that poses it. He says he can't vouch for the accuracy of his Tibetan guide that he hired. Arayadaka. But Arayadaka is his people are also long-term nemeses of Sasquatch and they were camping out and a landslide happened.

And Arayadaka looks up and says, I checked that slope and there is no way a slide could have happened on itself. It was that damn Sasquatch. And this one's so notable because as they fled into a cave to get away from the landslide, Gray Barker sees the boulders falling and somehow sees like sparks and explosions going off in there. And he was certain, oh, my gun was in there. So without telling anyone, he went back to search for his gun, clears the rock pile, and he says my semi-automatic was nowhere to be found to rule out ordinary theft. I secretly checked everyone's bags when they were not around, not a good move.

At the camp and back at the truck, none of us had that gun and it could not have gone over the edge with the rocks because I was pretty far inside the cave pointing the gun in the opposite direction. He was ready to shoot the landslide is what he's saying there. And then he directly posits, is it possible that the Bigfoot's are stockpiling weapons surreptitiously stolen from cowardly Buddhists, confused hikers, and unwitting tourists? Armed Buddhists. Cowardly armed Buddhists. That's why Buddhists are so peaceful, it's not because of any philosophies,

because their weapons keep on getting stolen. Because they're cowards. They're cowards, all of them. Could we be looking at a planet of the 8th situation in the making, planet of the Bigfeet? I'm fucking pitching that right now, planet of the Bigfeet, let's do it. What an awesome maniac. I like at the start of that, he says, I can't quite vouch for this monk's story, but here's a crazier, dumber story about how I looted through all their backpacks.

I can't vouch for the Bigfoot caused that landslide, but I am certain that he used the landslide as cover to steal my gun. This is the intro to the book. To be clear, I feel like the only thing that really happened is this maniac misplaced a gun and then went through everybody's purses. And nothing else happened. And then he said, aha, Bigfoot. Of course. He also claims he knows a psychic that set off Mount St. Helens with his PK vibrations.

Oh, that's sick. I mean, yeah, that's fucking rules. But he also says, unfortunately, when you read the material in the addenda of Bigfoot Shootout, you find that there is good chance a lot of Bigfoots were vaporized by the blast from Mount St. Helens. Oh, absolutely. That's prime Bigfoot territory up there. It goes out to say they were the lucky ones being vaporized seems better than being covered with third degree burns. So think of the Bigfoot tragedy caused by my friend, the psychic who set off Mount St. Helens. What's great about this, he could have imagined anything.

This guy's sitting around obviously crazy to the maximum and he could just think about whatever he wants and imagine it's real. And he's like, what if they were Bigfoots with third degree burns? Let me dwell on this thought, which again is a product of my own mind. I could just imagine anything else. I could be sleeping with 25 beautiful women, but no, I want to think about a Bigfoot suffering under like a mound of ash. Yes, it was then that I learned that the Bigfoots went Pompei mode. They're one weakness. We found it. It's psychically blasted volcanoes. So we just need to harness that and then we can we can take them out.

Man, they're roasted Bigfoot. Why have we not found one? Again, they're delicious. I mean, imagine them roasted. Oh my gosh, have you seen Peter Kane on YouTube? No, who's that? There is a guy named Peter Kane, dog trainer, and he has all these videos, but some of his videos, he has a series of videos where he has this foot that is like a Bigfoot foot that he ostensibly had been keeping in his freezer since the 1950s. He claimed that his dad had killed a Bigfoot. Amazing. It was too big for them to bring the body back to their house, but they needed to have proof that they got the Bigfoot.

And so they cut its leg off and brought the leg back and it had been in his freezer for like however long. And then he had these videos where he was showing this foot, which was a pretty good prop foot. I will I will give him that much credit. He and his dad did kill a very tall hitchhiker. Maybe, maybe. But then he cuts pieces off of it and eats it. Like periodically when he needs the Bigfoot energy? No, he like he makes a show of it. Like I'm going to be the first person to eat Bigfoot. And then he like has all these videos where he's like eating Bigfoot and like rushing and like making puking noises and stuff.

It's pretty intense. Now every time a volcano goes off, he transforms. Well, he claimed that eating the Bigfoot meat made him like viral, like like very. Okay, I'm listening. Like a Bigfoot. Yeah, like like very viral and like hot to trot. Those horny, horny big feet, as we all know. Sexual powerhouses, part of mythology.

Women love is very, very crazy horny men whose mouths smell like an old foot, like a really old foot. Old humanoid mystery foot. All right, well, that's it for the intro. That's it for the intro. What else could you possibly want? I could think about that intro for years. That intro, that's the podcast is the intro to this book. We'll do one chapter and it'll take us 10 years to get through this. Let's get into the stories.

First one, Ohio local boys for you guys. Yeah, perfect. Let's go. This is called Outbreak of Critters in Rome, Ohio by Dennis Pilliches. And it is about a family under siege, but you won't believe this critters who are possibly alien, but definitely big feet. So I guess there are like sub variants. There are alien big feet as well. Not critters.

I feel like that's like sub bear cub size. Right, that's small to me, but I guess that's not the correct taxonomy. So I think there are small critters like creatures, so maybe they're just leaving out critters plus big feet. The big feet are implied. We advance by the end of the story from like sometimes big feet are present with other phenomenon to firmly into the actually all big feet are interdimensional aliens thing that we've already discussed. But this is how the book. The book gets there. This is how the book is with this story.

Quick note. Why don't they teleport inside the house? Like why are they besieging a house when they could just teleport inside? Stand your ground laws. Yeah. Oh, they respect the stand. Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, these are these are big feet that are used to being shot at.

So they probably know all of the Ohio gun laws. We want to be like, it's been a sad week. Let's go get shot at a bit so we can get a good laugh. Yeah, exactly. A little pick me up on the front. I'll say that Rome, Ohio is like down by the Ohio River, which is like not that far from Mothman country. Oh, so this could have been like a team up. This could have been been the big foot cinematic universe.

I'm saying that Southern Ohio and Kentucky in West Virginia is probably the weirdest place in the world. Well, you won't believe this. That's where most of these stories are from. I know. I mean, I ended going in that all the stories are going to be from there. We're kind of an Ohio war nerd. So I know that like tactically, when you besiege a place, you want to open with your big foot and you want to keep your Mothman at a distance.

Right. Of course. Yeah, right. Because Mothman is weak to melee, as we all know. All right, outbreak critters in Rome, Ohio. Dennis Pilliches first just tells us about this story that he heard from the family. Two family members were up on the roof keeping watch on July 1, 1981. Later, they noticed lights hovering over the top of the back tree line.

There were four of them. The family members witnessed a bright white light shine down on the ground from one of these objects. It was estimated that the white light made an area the size of a half acre glow bright as day. While about the same time, screams like a woman could be heard coming from the edge of the tree line. So I guess Bigfoot screams like a woman or maybe they were a female.

It was a lady Bigfoot, maybe. Yeah, you could have been birthing out the soldiers. That's that's how they bring them in. They send a very pregnant Bigfoot down first and then she shoots out the Bigfoot babies. And that's why they call them critters because they were just very, they were newborn Bigfoot. All right, that's how a Bigfoot does a Zerg rush. They put their pregnant Bigfoot down. A queen down.

All right, the bright objects at this point just went out, but as they did so forms could be seen running by the edge of the trees. Now the forms were out of gunshot range. So more guns were gotten from the house. Otherwise we would have opened fire down the forest shapes. I love that sentence. The forms were out of gunshot range. So more guns were gotten from the house.

If you have more guns and make some shoot farther. I was just going to say if you shoot with two at once, does it like quadruple the range? Is it like a squares law or something? Some kind of mathematical thing? You got to put them back to front, right? So you plugged the last one into the bottom. The first one twice as long goes twice as far. You shoot the bullet from behind.

I like to switch to throwing stars when it's out of gun range. That's throwing star range. The super seeds gun range. Fantastic. You got to curve it a little bit. Yeah. If they're, if they're out, I use area of effect attacks. I go for my PK blasting Mount Vesuvius because you never know when they'll close.

Was Mount St. Helens a normal mountain before that psychic detonated it? I think he says it was. I think he says it was a volcano, but it was, it was not going to go off. It was just, I think the guy's name is Ted Owens had like a bad vibration day and blew up a volcano. Oh. Okay. But there's no danger of doing that to an ordinary hill or a mountain.

It has to be a dormant volcano. I think so. I think so. I think that's what they've established. They've already, this is the first one, and they're already saying that there's UFOs in the sky and they're already like lighting up the night. Is that what you're saying? Well, actually, this is the second story.

The first one, I told you, I'm only bringing the most gunfight. Okay. The first one was, the first one was also in Ohio. However, that one was mostly about an old lady having a fish fry to entice, to entice big feet with that good fish smell. And then she, she turned on her porch light and big foot flipped out because he didn't like the porch light. And then she was recruited by like an ESP cult or something.

Okay, sure. But there was, the only thing that happened is that somebody saw a big foot and they fired into the air and big foot went away. That's not enough for the great ones. Did he get any fish? Did he get some fish fry? I think he did. Okay, good.

Yeah. I think, I think they would, you know, set it out for him like the burgers and he got himself some fish fry. God bless him. God bless that little guy. Big foot, appreciate. It's a healthy option. I will leave you an egg and thanks.

That's how she got a big foot egg. And that's why the ESP cult. There you go. Full story. Every time these family members thought they could see one of the forms, they would shoot. And the forms would scream. So that's how fast we get into them.

This is what we call discovery. The part of the story that's admissible is these people saw figures in the woods and shot at them. And they would scream. That's the last part of that set. Screaming figures got shot at by this family. They would watch the wood line and start seeing red glowing eyes and forms running to the left and right and right to the set of eyes.

Now, the family members thought that for some reason the glowing eyes were being used as some sort of diversion to draw attention away from the forms. Therefore, they shot at the forms, hitting them and hearing them scream. You can't trick these people. They are way too clever. So I've never heard of big feet having glowing eyes. You know who does? Mothman.

Oh, shit. That's true. We're in Mothman territory. We've got Mothman forms. However, they did say, and this is important because it comes up again in later stories, that these red glowing eyes are used by the big feet as decoys. So if you shoot at the eyes, you're not shooting at the real big foot. Okay.

There you go. That's smart though. They're using Mothman as cannon fodder. Have they considered that maybe this is a double trick and that this fake distraction is actually a real distraction, but not a real distraction? And these red eyes are what you should be shooting at, but they want you to think that they are a distraction

in order to get you to not shoot at them. I'm pretty sure they just shot at all of it. Are you following the logic? You see, this is the way a big foot thinks. You've got to get inside the head. Playing that big foot chess, extra dimensional big foot chess right there. There you go.

Yeah. It does sound like a giant orb of light dropped a bunch of screaming, pregnant big foots into the woods, but this person's like, ah, we're in a technical chess match. Ah, we've entered the battle of wits now. They're like running around screaming in the woods. Ah, you walked out smart me. According to the stories, I'm pulling just quotes

like the best parts to get to the story, but you're not missing anything structurally. They saw these forms and of course they shot first. Their forms didn't do anything to them. They were just like, that's not a gun range. Let's go get some more guns and then start shooting. Oh yeah. Well, it's the old American, you know,

when all you have is a hammer, right? They even the big feet tried to reason with them. Okay, later while up on the roof, the family noticed two forms each with red glowing eyes come up to the side of the field and stand to the side of the barn trying to talk to them. They waited five minutes for a response, but we lowered the boom on them.

The form screen ran off. My God. So they came up and tried. Who's the bad guy in the story? Is it the big one or is it us? It's definitely us. 100% us. We're the bad guys for sure.

At one point during the night, while taking turns shooting at the big feet, they looked out and saw their only horse standing out in the field. The problem with this is that at that very moment, their horse was locked up in the barn. It had not gotten out. It was not really out in the field. Yet the form looked like their horse,

so they knew something was wrong. Even though it was their horse, it was not their horse. I think that it was probably an interdimensional rift and they saw their horse in a different time. Now put yourself in their shoes. What would you do in this scenario? What do you think happened next? Shoot the horse.

They shot. They're clearly shooting the horse. Clearly, yes. They shot the horse. They knew it was not their horse. Two of them shot the horse, which was within range. They fired into something that looked like their horse, aimed, hollered, growled, and took off back towards the field.

Only then did the men come down and walk out there. There was no blood, no hair, no nothing, only a few strange, indistinct prints. So they went back up on the roof. About 3.30 a.m. in the cornfield across the road, a bright white light appeared. One family member happened to be looking that way as it appeared. He said he felt the glow from it, hit him in the head.

He staggered and almost fell off the roof. One member of the family saw what was going on and fired a large pumpkin ball around at the light until the light went out. What is a pumpkin ball? Is it like a musket? I assume it's a blunderbuss. It's not a blunderbuss, yeah.

I mean, at that time, now you said they're up on the roof and they're getting all their guns. I assume they exhausted all their 7.62, all their high-quality rounds. They're down to musket balls. Could it be non-ethical rounds? Could it be bean backgrounds? They got pumpkin ball rounds that they're firing.

Now, this story reminds me of the story of the Hopkinsville goblin, which, again, isn't that same area? It was in Hopkinsville, Kentucky, where there is a family and they had these aliens attacking their house and they spent all night having a shootout with these aliens. You'll never believe it. I think that happens here as well.

In this book? No, no. I like this story. I think the next part of this story. About an hour later, something like a red-hot coal but bigger in size came down and landed in the trees to the house directly across the road. The red glowing ball was, of course, shot at immediately.

Then it jumped down a branch and turned into a small animal-like creature, something like an owl but with legs. The men continued to shoot at it until it fell out of the tree and onto the ground. At this point, it got up and ran around the woodline. Wow. Now, the Hopkinsville goblin probably looked a little bit like an owl. He had big eyes and like 30 years of stuff.

Sounds like a Hopkinsville goblin to me. He looks kind of like a sable-life from Pokemon. Right. Oh, sure, sure. I think I'm saying this story doesn't sound so... This sounds like a really standard Rome Ohio fish fry. You get on the roof, pop a few rounds into the woods. It's like old Memaw tells you.

I've heard this story before. Get the old Memaw blunderbuss. Yeah, right, right. What is an Ohioan fish fry without a goblin party, you know? Absolutely, yeah. You're not doing it right. You're doing it wrong if goblins don't show up and run around your woodline and getting shot at.

The sheriff shows up, puts a spotlight on the party like, what are y'all doing over there? Memaw, get him with the blunderbuss. Get that orb of otherworldly lad. Now, I know that's not our sheriff because our sheriff's back home at the sheriff's station where he lives. It's just no wrong. The shape's a little off, sheriff.

We gotta shoot ya. The big finale is that a small object flies directly over the farmhouse 200 feet in the sky, shaped like a cigar box. They all stand around just looking at it in awe as blue lights dance around it beautifully. Again, they have not been attacked at any point by any argument by these things. They have just, it has a bright light. They've heard some screams. They've fucked that owl up really badly.

This object flies slowly over the house, drifts over the house across the road. So of course, the father has one of his son's braces feet and shoot the object right as it goes overhead and it went out. He thought he hit it because he heard the sound of a bullet hitting something like glass. But nobody's afterwards. Nobody's the next day. Nope, and that was it. That was the end of the conflict. The shell casings everywhere. However, that is not the end of the war.

Out in the plowed field in the back of the house, the family sees two black forms later moving across the field toward the house. They watched them for about 15 minutes before raining fire on them in their warts. They fell down screaming and then ran away. And that was the only really close call they suffered after the siege. And then nothing else ever again. They won the war. Quite to the contrary. Oh, no!

Dennis Pilliches, the writer of this story, was so intrigued, he joins them. No. He goes out to their, I guess, siege barn, their Bigfoot siege barn and joins them for a provoked Bigfoot shootout because journalism demands that if Sasquatch exists, you've got to fight it, I guess. He's going to get the story. Yeah, that's the rule. That's number one rule of journalism. If you find a Sasquatch, you've got to go and fight it.

What are the circumstances you would say no to this? If you had a family and they said, hey, we're going to get on the roof and we're just going to shoot at anything that moves for the entire night, we're going to get completely fucked up. Like, that's a fun invite. Absolutely, yes, for me is my point. It is. And just for perspective, just for some local flavor, I've been to a four-year-old's birthday party.

Natalie and I both have. It's my nephew. I was going to be more anonymous, but it's my nephew. Yeah, it's our nephew. I've been to a four-year-old birthday party that involved shooting with guns. Yeah, we were popping off and beating hot dog buns to goats and all kinds of stuff. Got to be just implied by it being Ohio. There were some goblins.

And I feel like if you were drunk enough, you could take that story in your mind and turn that into a big-foot shootout when it came time to write your book. Oh, if it's nighttime and you are sitting out in some house in the country and there's trees all over the place and there's not a noise. It is so quiet. If you hear a twig break, you can turn that into anything you want. Exactly.

And you're like something that's a hot dog bun that was no goat. So I opened fire. And by the way, I don't know how they eat their hot dogs because we fed like 40 hot dog buns to the goddamn goat. I stood there for a really long time feeding that goat. He just wouldn't stop because he was unstoppable. That's a big foot. That's a bottomless appetite of a moth goat.

Absolutely. So our intrepid reporter goes out to this family to interview them in person and he finds the entire family loading up their guns in preparation for another all-night stakeout on the roof of their house. Of course. They quickly report seeing red glowing eyes out in the wood line and the reporter to his credit says, I couldn't see any forms at first

but I believe this was due to my poor night vision eyesight and the fact that the others were expert hunters. Okay. But in short order, I had an intense experience. A glowing form stepped out of the wood line. Three family members fired upon it. Taking it down. They went to find it but of course it was gone.

Of course. They went to keep the reporter and Willard, one of the kids starts going ahead and throwing rocks into the forest hoping to hear something run away and then something threw a rock back at him. So that's a clear sign of aggression. Shoot him. Yes, they open fire.

His big finale comes. The best sighting that we had all this night was when three sets of glowing eyes were observed at once. The biggest creature was over 12 feet tall. So there's at least one big foot. It's black hair. It's black hair could be seen shining in the light of my flashlight. Everyone fired at it.

All the critter did was turn sideways with a strange sort of motion as it moved out of the flashlight beam. The shooting did not appear to have any effect at all. Did he make him laugh? No, he just kind of stepped sideways into nothing and disappeared. We were all by this time, 3 a.m., very confused and frustrated, which I imagine is a polite way of saying it.

Fucking hammered. This is what happens. You have this first night, you're up on the roof, you're shooting into the woods and you're like, guys, this is the best night of our lives. And then you try to recreate the same party the next weekend and it's just not the same. The magic is gone.

You just can't even find a dead body. We shot that before he didn't even giggle. He's left. Just another weekend of shooting Bigfoot after the first time. I mean, this time, this time I got the art. They threw a rock back at us. Someone could have been hurt. They don't even know the rules of engagement.

We shoot at you, then you scream and run away. That's the rules throwing rocks. That's it for the Critters of Rome, Ohio. However, our next story, the best title for any story ever, I fought the ape men of Mount St. Helens. Oh, yes. Here we go.

Averagely burned across his entire body. Clearly a prequel before Psychex detonated it and took out the Bigfoot Hive. But yes, Fred Beck fought the ape men of Mount St. Helens. It's all about old-timey prospectors working a claim in Southwest Washington. He starts it by saying, to avoid embarrassment to the relatives

of the other four men involved in the 1924 incident, I will not directly mention their names. The name Hank is a pseudonym of one of the main characters in the incident. Now, knowing only this, what would you assume about Hank? Bigfoot. Secret Bigfoot, of course.

Oh, you think Hank is a Bigfoot? That's what Sean thinks. What do you think this is trying to say about Hank? I would assume that Hank is an upstanding member of the community who can't have his name solely by these Bigfoot habits. Oh, of course, Mayor Hank. Oh, is he a...

Or he's a president. Maybe we're talking about like... President George Hank Bush, of course. Yeah, I was thinking like Henry Rockefeller or somebody... Like someone who cannot afford to get wrapped up in this Bigfoot chicanery. No, I'm sorry, Hank is a total fucking dipshit.

He's the bumbling asshole of this story. That would have been our eighth guest. I love this story so much because throughout it, he will pause and just be a prospector about shit. He starts the story by saying, I remember that night because I had a tooth that was aching and I suggested to Hank that he should take me to town to see a dentist, but he was so enthused

in the prospects of the gold mine, he barely took time to answer me. That's not like part of the story. That'll never come up again. He just had himself a tooth taken. And he also says... He's painting a picture of that. Hank's not a very supportive friend.

Yeah, I feel like that's going to come back later. Right. It does not. He lacks attention to detail. Perhaps Hank's general untrustworthiness could be established by this. Let's go back to their cabin. Here's some more old prospector flavor.

We went back to our cabin on the north side of the canyon. I had a nagging toothache and little appetite for our evening meal of beans and hotcakes. Okay. Hank's descendants from this embarrassment. In the cabin, we had a long bunk bed in which two could sleep feet to feet.

The rest of us sleeping on pine bows on the floor. Hank and I chose instead one on top of the other as we made passionate love. All of this is just a set of singing. It'll never come up again. It finally kicks off when Hank asked me to accompany him to the spring.

About 100 yards from our cabin to get some water. He suggested we take our rifles just to be on the safe side. After we had walked to the spring, Hank suddenly yelled and raised his rifle. That instant I saw it, it was a hairy creature 100 yards away on the other side of a canyon standing by a pine tree.

It dodged behind the tree and then poked its head out from the side. At the same time, Hank shot. I could see the bark fly out from the tree from each of his three shots. Some may say that was quite a distance to see the bark fly off, but I saw it.

Shatterpoint. Uh-uh. Yeah, that clears it up. We're good now, yeah. I judged the creature to be about 7 feet tall with blackish-brown hair. It disappeared from our view for a short time, but then we saw it again running fast

and I shot three more times before it disappeared from view. Now, do any of you notice some details about this story that stand out? Hmm. They were sleeping feet to feet. The next day they saw the big feet.

Yeah, you know, honestly, I've been thinking about, Sean, I've been thinking about feet to feet. I'm trying to figure this out in my mind. Are the feet... Like Charlie in the chocolate factory? Yeah. Are the soles of their feet touching?

Mm-hmm. I have to assume... It's like a 12-foot-long, but two-foot-wide bed, like a little giant canoe, a feet to feet. Just tickling each other through the night, just playfully, like, yoo-hoo!

Man, you awake, Hank? No, the details that you're missing from this story are that at no point was Bigfoot ever a danger. He was 200 yards away across a canyon, and all he did was shyly peek out from a tree, and they shot at him three times, and then he ran away, and they shot at him

three more times. Oh, see, I'm like in full Jules Verne mode, where I'm like, if you see an animal in the wild, you just kill it. You make a note to the reader, oh, here's why we didn't kill these animals if you don't kill the animals. Otherwise, if they see hippos,

or if you see Bigfoot's or whatever, I'm assuming everyone now, and, you know, I don't know how accurate their guns were at that time, but 100 yards is a long distance. I think it's 200. No, you're right, it was 100.

Even if it's just 100, and then when Bigfoot starts running, he's going to have a jump on Hank and the author, right? Remember, 150 miles an hour. Yeah, yeah, and so they're not catching up, so Bigfoot is putting distance

on top of that football field. It's an impossible shot. And he's moving, and they're running and trying to shoot, what, a long rifle? Now, some might say that's an awful long distance to hit a fleeing Bigfoot at 150 miles an hour, but I did it.

I did it. Yeah, it was fine, though. All right, then they return to the cabin and say, we heard a great commotion outside. It sounded like a great number of feet falling over a pile of our unused shakes. We grabbed our guns,

Hank squinted through the space left by the chinking. By actual count, we only saw three of the creatures together at any one time, but it sounded like there were many more. This was the start of the famous attack of which so much has been written in Washington and Oregon papers through the years. Most accounts tell

of giant boulders being hurled against the cabin, claiming some even fell from the roof. This was not quite the case. There were very few large rocks around in that area. Now, it is true that many smaller ones were hurled at the cabin, but they did not break through the roof.

They simply hit with a bang and rolled off. Some did fall through the chimney of the fireplace. So they're hitting three pointers into the chimney with their rocks. You got to come at an angle.

You got to really get it up in the air and come down straight down the chimney. You got to get some vertical on that shot. They're playing angry birds out there. Get to one end. Your fireplace will have several rocks

in it, human. We'll fill it with rocks and they'll drown in rocks. The only time we shot our guns that night was when the creatures were attacking our cabin. When they would quiet down for a few minutes, we would quit shooting. I told the rest of the party

that maybe if they saw we were only shooting when they attacked, they might realize we were only defending ourselves. They're trying to communicate with a gun. You know what? This is still a step up from the last one when they're like, if I see a foot,

I'm shooting. I'm just shooting. If I see my own horse, I'm shooting. You know they killed that horse, right? You know their horse was freaked out by them firing an entire war with the bullets and got out of the barn.

They were like, I don't trust that fucking horse. Yeah. That's not my horse. My horse is in the barn. On account of because that's where I keep my horse. Idiot. They

are trying to communicate with the big feet by periodic rounds of shooting and not shooting at them. They're trying to communicate with the horse code, I guess. Yeah. However, he goes on to say, we did shoot, however, when they climbed up

on a roof. We shot round after round after round through that roof. Jesus Christ. They just shot up their own cabin. Blew the shit out of it. Through their own roof seems like a little bit. Like if the big foot is not coming

through the roof, just wait. We can it with thousands of rounds. We had to brace the huge log door with a long pole. The creatures were pushing against it and the whole door vibrated from the impact. So we responded by firing round after round

after round through that door. Yes, yes, yes. They swiss-cheese the whole place, man. Yes, they did. The good news is Southwest Washington's a very arid place. It will not rain. They should be just fine. A most profound and frightening experience

occurred when one of the creatures being close to the cabin reached an arm through the chinking space and seized one of our axes by the handle. Bigfoot with an axe. Yes, long-time listeners to our podcast will know that if Bigfoot gets a hold of an axe, the entire world

is doomed and he becomes immortal. That's Bigfoot. According to Lightning Man and the Thunder Brothers, Mountain Monsters, you have to choose your own adventure. We need to dismantle that axe and bury the parts in three separate areas.

And then leave riddles. Yes, very obvious riddles. Not obvious, but like, for example, put the axe in a pond and then write on a piece of paper the water hides the key or something like that, right? And then roll that up tight and then leave

that for someone to find in 170 years or whatever. So that hillbillies, so that local hillbillies looking for it will be smart enough to solve it, of course. And then when they reassemble it, that's how they'll save us from the big feet. Thinking quickly,

Fred Beck swiftly turned the head of the axe upright so that it caught on the logs. Bigfoot was not smart enough to solve the turn the axe a little bit and get it out of the problem. At the same time, Hank shot just barely missing my hand, so fucking Hank here again. A humorous thing I remember

is Hank singing, if you leave us alone, we'll leave you alone and we'll all go home in the morning. He did not mean it to be humorous. Hank was dead serious. He sang with the heartfelt belief that the mountain devils might understand and go away.

Not sure why it's through song. It's the only way. Music is like the international language of love, man. He's just trying to communicate some vibes to this bigfoot. What if Hank only communicated in song and we're just getting it right now?

That fucking dipshit took a real bad pickaxe to the head when we were out of mind and now we can only sing. Maybe it's just a musical. It's just like the workings of the next Broadway successful play. They're going to get a Tony award for it. I would watch this play.

I would watch the shit out of this play. Bigfoot Siege of the stage play. Absolutely. The attack ended just before daylight and as soon as we were sure it was light enough to see, we cautiously came out of the cabin. It was not long before I saw one of the ape-like creatures standing about 80 yards away

near the edge of Ape Canyon, which they named afterwards I have to assume. Otherwise, you deserved it for going to Ape Canyon. Yeah, you should not have built a cabin on Ape Canyon, y'all. Build a cabin on Ape Canyon. You get apes. That's how you get apes.

Of course, Fred Beck shot three times, but he's still alive and down the gorge. Learning absolutely nothing. Did he get a body in this story at all? Is there a body? Nope, all the bodies, of course. You won't believe this.

I've disappeared and Fred Beck thinks about it for, I think it's like 60 years later at this point and says, as I will show these beings bear a direct association with the psychic realm. Now, this is not what you would expect of an old prospector, but he's clearly been turned into

a ghost. In 1922, we found the location of our mind. There, a spiritual being, a large Indian dressed in buckskin, appeared to us and talked to us who was the picture of stateliness itself. And they proceeded

to get a magic quest marker from the spirit Indian who loves nothing more than to help four white men invade his ancestral lands. And so he gave them a side quest? Including an actual magic. He never told us his name.

We called him the Great Spirit. The Great Spirit is above us. We are all of the Great Spirit. If we listen when the Great Spirit talks, is the only thing he ever says. And they suggest that he gives them a white arrow is the magic marker.

And they all see this white arrow overlaid on their hillbilly heads-up display, I guess. Next to their infinite bigfoot shooting ammo and whatever powers they have earned. We actually do. If you were born in the Midwest,

you do have an HUD. It tells you where the nearest Arby's is. Come to Arby's now with quest markers. You have to unlock the Native American arrow that will guide you to your fortune. That's like DLC. Yeah, it is. They could see it

clearly and easily at all times. So they followed it and went up the muddy river, following the white arrow for four days. But Hank, who is still with him at this point, I don't know why they're still friends with singing dipshit Hank after the Bigfoot incident when he nearly shot your hand off.

Hank's temper was growing short as he climbed them hills. He had always been a believer in spiritual things. But sometimes he lost his temper and cussed. He swore at the Spirit's lead in us. His face was red and we could not stop him. Just a wild goose chase, he exclaimed. They lied to us and have us running

all over these hills. I want nothing more to do with them. Then, just when he started to calm down, we all saw the arrow soar up high, change direction, and swoop down. We followed in that general direction where it hovered

near the north cliff of Ape Canyon. This is the site where we blasted our shaft. We got close to the site, saw the image of a large door open and the big Indian appeared in front of it. He spoke, because you have cursed the Spirit leading you, hillbillies,

you will be shown where there is gold, but it is not given to you. Oh, what a tease. I was really thinking, Hank's shaft was going to blast, but no. He was edging us the whole time.

He made the mistake of swearing gently at his Native American magic quest. They can hear you. We can hear you, you dumbass. Fucking Indian ghosts. And so they led them to the mine where gold was, but they would never find it.

Ah. It's classic Nez Perce prank. I mean, that's what you get when you're popping off all over the place. You're bound to get cursed, right? Now, there is a little epilogue to this.

Many years later when Fred Beck is an old man, he is interviewed for this magazine, and he says, would you say, the question the interviewer asks, would you say another apont is on now similar to the one in 1924? And Fred Beck answers,

this I have heard. There is some difference in as much as this one will be an organized expedition. The one in 1924 was a wild array of confusion. On my trip back, the hunter even took a shot at me. He was on a hill above us.

I immediately shot back. My bullets kicking up the dust around his feet. There was a ranger with me, and he was quite put out. He scolded me and the hunter. He was carrying a gunny sack full of bread to bait the Bigfoot's. Such was the confusion.

Can you imagine feeding Bigfoot bread when we all know he loves fish fry and small burgers? You're getting his goat. That's how you get a goat for it. Another ghost didn't even prank. Fred Beck goes on to say,

I believe the expedition now is a good thing. Let the young men explore. Nothing could be better for a young man than to try and solve one of life's little mysteries. In times it may lead them to the gates of the psychic world. Okay.

Yeah. If you're going to come out of this with any kind of message, it's like positivity and let's learn more about the world. Okay. I see that as a positive. You can undergo a traumatic

experience where you're Swiss-cheasing the roof of your own stupid cabin on Ape Canyon. You can turn that around and get a life lesson. Or you almost lose your hand to a singing idiot. Yeah, exactly. What's better?

He really thinks that all young men should hunt Bigfoot because it will lead them to the psychic realm. And that's just that's his version. Bigfoot hunting is his version of the psychic Boy Scouts. It's just you should all...

This final question in this interview, he's asked, what was the purpose of all of this Bigfoot fucking mayhem of just gunfighting Bigfoot? And he says, he is real philosophical for a fucking prospector that fights apes.

He says, sometimes that question is asked about all life and more particularly about life other than human. When one speaks of purpose, we usually think of ourselves, but I think the main purpose lies in the beings themselves. They are a part of life, though different from we know of our five senses.

I am convinced by my own experiences and the many accounts I have heard from others that these beings are very curious creatures. I think if we had not shot at them, they might have left us alone. I think it is possible their curiosity is an instinct, a search for higher consciousness.

My advice to anyone who happens to see one is be calm and walk away, offer no threat of force and I'm convinced no harm will come to you. And as if totally thrown, the interviewer says, so you think the blasting had something to do with them attacking you?

Let me sum up this whole experience with Fred Beck's final answer he says, no, the blasting wasn't why they attacked us. It made them curious. Our mistake was in shooting them. Amazing.

Perfect. The perfect coda. He did actually learn a lesson. I feel like we were being sarcastic earlier talking about the lesson he learned, but I think not shooting at shapes that you see in the woods is a good thing to take away from this. And it only took him 60 years

to get full on forest wars with Bigfoot to learn, including one time he directly just shot another hunter in front of a ranger. Didn't learn that one in time. Like, what is the ranger for if you don't make an arrest there?

Like, hey guys, you're both under arrest. Yeah, knock it off. A ranger just being like, now you boys better stop shooting at each other with intent to kill. Because, hey,

save it for Bigfoot. We all know why we're out here. Save those bullets for Bigfoot. Is that a bag of unregulated Bigfoot bread? Straight to jail. And that's it for Gray Markers Bigfoot Shootout.

What a book. We're doing it again, the whole thing. Stop the bitch. Oh, Bigfoot. You're getting out of here. What's that state? I'm shooting it. This is a quick one.

Don't shoot at the eyes, that's trick. It's a Bigfoot trick. You can feel like somebody's shooting at me right now. It's Bigfoot, he got my gun. These are concussion grenades, so let it till they get close before using them. I got some delicious bread.

I know he'll love that. I'm gonna lay it out here. And when he gets close, you reign hell on him. That ain't no horse of mine. Open fire. Get your last yips in here. It's coming to a close.

You gotta miss it when it's gone. You'll never have this energy in your life again. 1, 9, 100, Frankfurt. Our podcast Nuust. And with Maxim razón sufficient. Long dats on the podcast. Correct. EVA鏡

Sonbirds and kids. 1, 9, 100. 1, 9, 100, freind. 1, 9, 100. 1, 9, 100. Here at 1900 Hot Dog Daycare, we believe every child can be supreme. Now let's meet a few of our precious TOTS! No, Alpha Scientist Java, we do not cull the wheat here.

UnAndy, Andreas Larson. Badger, Transformers aren't food. No, especially not if you're a Transformer, that's fucked up. Benjamin Sironin. Ben Talser. Brandon Garlock. Brian Sailor. You need to poke air holes in the Play-Doh mask, or this game of mummy gets way too real.

Brienne Whitney. Brockway loves the meat milling. Yes, he does. Burrito Mountain. Never touch that, never touch that. I don't even understand how you're touching that. Reve. Chance McDermott.

Chris Brower. Curious Glare. Dan B. The artist formerly known as Devin, Sweetie, knives are for grown-ups and revenge only. Dean Castello. Don Finney. Dr. Awkward. Eric Spalding.

A shark. Jell-o-ho. Now see, Greg Cunningham needs those knives for revenge, and now he doesn't have them. Do you see why we save the knives? Ham bone. Caraca. Hot fart, very funny. Jaybur Al-Aden.

James Boyd. Jeff Orasky Fire is not your friend, if anything, it's more of a lover. Jeremy Neal. John Dean. John Hector McFarland. John McCammon. Josh Fabian. Joshua Graves, I don't care how many rats you tied together, you cannot ride them like a magic carpet.

Josh S. Ken Paisley. K&M. M. Jahi Chappelle. Matt Riley. Max Baroy, I know you mean well, but what you're doing is called Compromat. Michael Laird. Michael Wells.

Mickey Lohman. Mike Stiles. Mojoo. N.D., a smaller child, is not a pet, no matter how much they've hurt. Neil Bailey. Neil Shaffer. Nick Ralston. Ozzy Olman.

Patrick Herbst. The amazing rain gets your fingers out of there, the Bible strictly forbids it, it's very clear. Briannon. Sarkovsky. Sean Chase, don't. Actually, fuck yeah, I think you can make that jump, let's see it. Spotting reception. Supernaut.

Ted H. Thomas Cavazos, I don't think you can make that jump. But I want nothing more in this world than to be wrong, let's fucking see it. Tim Ilehi. Tosti Gav. Tomski. Tosti Gav. Tom Sekula.

Tommy Jean. Waylon Russell. Yosarian. Armando Nava. You're actually doing great. Gold Star. Don't, don't attack the other children with the Gold Star.