The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 11, You Know What Your Problem Is? You Don't Like Being Attacked!

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

Seanbaby and Brockway put on paper sacks and seize Daniel O'Brien at a bus stop, then force him to read the craziest karate book ever written. You'll laugh, you'll karate, you'll heal this broken country once and for all.

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast work. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You got the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone. Nine thousand. The official podcast of one nine hundred hot dog. I'm TV's Sean baby from the internet and my co-host, Robert Brockway. Welcome once again.

Robert Brockway. That's you. We have a special guest this week, our old colleague, another of Crack's legendary editors, and not a winner of a Latin daytime Emmy, but a winner of a couple of regular ones. Daniel O'Brien.

Hello. Thank you so much for having me. I think the most. It's a pleasure. I've never been called legendary before. It's unearned. I don't think that's true. I think between the three of us,

at least three of us are worthy of the title legendary. When it comes to Cracked, I think Cracked is, we'll probably go down as one of those places that, like the Dana Carvey show where you're like, how did they get like all those people together? I mean, they had TV's Sean baby. They had Sean baby from the internet.

They had fighting Sean baby. They had Sean Riley who wrote as Sean baby for the internet. I mean, all this talent under one tent. I definitely always admired your work there, Daniel. And towards the end, you're on screen stuff was becoming very good. I mean, Rocky, I'm just kidding. You're always great. Legendary, I believe the term was.

I think I use the term legendary and I pick my words very delicately. Thank you. That's all very kind. Is the rest of the podcast more just, so now Brock, will you say something nice about me? I've always thought you were extremely handsome for your size. All right.

Nice. Another thing we do on the podcast, I don't know if you listen, but I like to give very awkward compliments to our guests. And then it gets a little uncomfortable and that it disarms them and allows us to really talk about what's important. It's really like a kind of psychological warfare. Can I ask you Sean something about this?

So is that something that you apply to your non podcast life as well? And I asked because the first time I met you, I was it was like a meetup when you were in Los Angeles because you weren't based there. And it was myself and a few other cracked writers. And you like without making it feel too formal, you did one by one, say something nice and specific to each of us. That like as if you had learned in like politeness school,

you went to me and you were like, you wrote this article. It was this. It was titled this and I really enjoyed it. And here's a joke from it that I liked. Okay. Now Soren. Nice jawline.

Not like jawline obviously, but like something specific that made every person feel like seen. Why not nice jawline specific? Why did you have to take that one back? He's got a great jawline. Tell him next time you see him. You're right. I do this sometimes in real life.

I don't know if I have learned it anywhere or if it's ever given me any kind of a benefit, but it's just I do like when, when I admire someone to like no bullshit, let them know I admire them because I think like, I guess we all kind of give each other compliments so often. And I just like a little sincerity every now and then. Plus I'm extremely irreverent on the internet and a lot of people meet me

and they think I'm like going to beat them up or like just make fun of them the whole time. And so it's, it's, I'd like to establish like, no, no, no, no, I just just I'm not probably not going to do that. Yeah. It was, it was certainly very effective at putting me and the other folks meeting you for the first time at ease. When I was ready to either fight you or like quickly be discarded

and hated by you because you, you, you know what you look like and how you present on the internet as, as, as, as a tough fighting man who, who, who is unfairly funny to boot. And I like went into meeting you thinking, see now you're doing it to me like this. These are like things I really love to hear,

to hear like. See, it just really fucked me up the first time we met because my, my strategy is I like to say something really nice and specific about myself to start things off. Yeah. And it just had, I remember that my entire style. I had, I had no idea you literally took my fact, which is.

Uh-huh. He put his dick basket on the table and he was about to say something about it and be like, you ever seen anything like this? And I was like, I have never seen anything like that. And you, I could, I could tell like I really. I just had to sit down. I had to sit down after that.

We kind of nodded and we agreed that we're on the same page and now we're good friends. All of that is to say that Sean baby, I think you're great. You were a very nice man when I met you and we're so complimentary to me and my buddy Soren. Speaking of me and my buddy Soren, we have a podcast called Quick Question with Soren and Daniel. The only reason I'm bringing it up is because right before recording this podcast,

we had a meeting with our, our business person who handles the podcast. Uh, and he's made it clear in no uncertain terms that one of the things holding our podcast back from being truly successful is that I don't promote it either on social media or in any of the podcasts that I guest on. And in fact, do you have a German theme song? Do you have a German theme song? We do not. Well, we do.

And it's done very well for us. So that's a hot tip from podcaster to podcaster. Thank you very much. Uh, it's, it's actually more enjoyable to me to, to coily not plug this podcast. Uh, cause I'm trying to tank it so we don't have to do it anymore. I think you're doing really well. Thank you.

If you're trying to fuck it up, you got a long way to go. And so, um, the other thing we like to do when we open a show, besides make everyone uncomfortable, but like in a nice way, uh, we like to sort of talk about, uh, current projects we're working on. And of course you're on, uh, the Emmy award winning John Oliver show. And so, uh, do you have any stories you're working on that you can talk about or something due to aired, I guess you're coming back this weekend as we record this. We do.

Last weekend when you're listening. We're back, uh, Valentine's Day is our first episode. And, uh, we'd like to keep things pretty close to the chest as far as what, uh, we'd like to talk about. It has been, uh, so John has been doing the round of interviews as you'd expect. And it's just, uh, like everyone in the world is sort of asking the same question, which is like, now that Trump is no longer in office, what are you guys going to talk about?

And it's like so many things that like have been going wrong for four years that we haven't been able to talk about because, you know, we're trying to focus on, hey, uh, the rainforest or prisons or, uh, economic instability across the world. And then, uh, never mind. He stuck his dick in a fucking pencil sharpener. So we got to talk about that this week. Scrap the thing that we're going to talk about how airlines are completely bankrupt because the, the, the president like cutely threatened North Korea with nukes again.

So we are excited for, uh, the first time in a while to, uh, be able to talk about, to, to have our, our content not sort of dictated by the whims of our, uh, least creative dictator. Right. Is there a story that you, um, are quite sure that we'll never get on the show, but would be your dream to put there? Like a pitch you know, they'll never say yes to. I think, uh, various times, uh, writers have pitched some version of like,

uh, completely destroying the show. We all enjoy working on the show, obviously. Um, but like, uh, if you've seen the show every once in a while, we'll do like, uh, a very obvious misdirect where it's like, today we're going to talk about silly mascots. Just kidding. Silly mascots was our way into, um, horrible abuse in the mascot trade. Uh, and just one of these days, I want to like, either really steer into

a silly thing that doesn't require that much attention. Uh, or not, not or, and, um, pretend it's a much bigger deal than it is. Like, uh, I see. Like take one high school scandal and treat it with the same severity as we would treat, uh, like prison labor issues, uh, or, or the crisis at the border, but just like focus it on this one kid and like, like a kid who stole a presidential election in some high school in Indiana. And we're just like, just insisting for 30 minutes.

Look, this matters. It's important. I would love it. Democracy isn't important. Right. Okay. Good. In all its forms.

I do like that, uh, you're going to have to refresh me on what this was, but there was a time when you stopped and did like, uh, it's made in, been before your time, but John Oliver stopped and did like eight minutes on this hallmark movie, uh, or this, this TV series. Uh, mother, may I sleep with danger? That, that has to be it. No, I don't think that's it. It's just the only one I know off the top of my head.

So if you did say like, I want to do fucking, I want to do a deep dive into these nine Magnum PI episodes, it feels like they wouldn't instantly reject that. No, yeah, that's the sort of the, the good thing about this show is even when you say like, what are some dream projects that you don't think would ever make it to air, they've been very, uh, generous with us that like we've pitched some very silly, like this is a two page diversion in our very serious piece about immigration or poison water somewhere. Uh, and I was like, are you sure I can, you guys are, you guys are fine.

I'm going to talk about flubber for two full minutes. You're okay with that? And they will indulge that. Like they're very, this is, I'm not, uh, I hope this doesn't come up like I'm, I'm sucking up to my bosses. Uh, I mean, I, that's what I'm doing. I just hope it doesn't come off that way. Um, but they really, if you're passionate about something, even if it's like

stupid or silly, that passion, uh, resonates with them because they're, they're cut from the, my boss are cut from the same cloth as all of the people who work here where it's like, yeah, democracy is important to us and, and injustice. We hate it and we want to see it resolved, but also I'm really hung up on flubber and, uh, and, and I have, I have no, nowhere to talk about it. So can I please, can you carve out eight minutes of this HBO show and let me do it?

And they, and, and they will, they're, uh, they're good like that. I think, um, to go back to the uncomfortable compliments from earlier, one of my favorite things you did at cracked was when you finally got a chance to talk about gremlins, the, uh, the insane part of gremlins that had been eating at you your whole life. I really liked that video. Cause the, the tone was like, look, this place is falling the fuck apart. So now it's my chance.

Who's going to stop me? This is 10 minutes. Nobody. Nobody. EWC rips. Dead dad in the chimney gremlin story. That's, I think there are, there are plenty of comments on that YouTube video where, uh, I think if I recall correctly, that video starts with me strapping on

wax wings and then going straight for the sun being like, I'm going to rule the fucking school now. Nothing bad is ever going to happen. And then the comments are like, this hits differently now. Now that everyone was dramatically fired. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you knew and caused it.

This is all your fault. Why we're doing such creatively fulfilling jobs now when we found success and, and, um, freedom, sir. Today, uh, Brockway and I, uh, finished an article that we've been working on together for, what was it like three weeks now? It has to be longer than, oh my God, time means nothing. Uh, I think it's probably only been three weeks. It might be.

It feels like a season of my life. We talked about this briefly on a bonus episode of the podcast and it's, it's a show called cocktails and it's about a guy named Ron Merck. And he went to San Francisco and he apparently had like a good group of drinking buddies and said, it's kind of one of those people that said, like, oh my God, we should make a reality show of our lives. And so that's what the concept started as. And, um, it didn't go well.

It didn't, it didn't go anywhere that doing a reality show about gay bartenders in San Francisco sounds like kind of fun on paper, but if you go to a gay bar in San Francisco, you're like, this is just very busy and noisy. And I can't imagine, uh, finding a narrative thread here. Sure. So he adapted it for like, uh, drama and he put together the sizzle reel, which is just a bunch of community theater actors, uh, just kind of running around in front of a camera, just basically mostly doing screen tests.

And he's added slides to everyone about like these characters and like their fucking weird dark secrets. And it just gets crazier and crazier as like it starts with like, this woman used to be a man, now she runs guns for the Mexican cartel. And you're like, okay. So that's kind of the tone of it is like sort of a, sort of a, this LGBT person does this and here they, here's their dark secret. Yeah.

But by the end of it, they're fucking fully on the moon. And like one of them is the goddamn devil. And one of them is a half angel samurai. And, uh, anyway, we love it so much. And over the course of two minutes, it introduces 30 characters like that. And so can you imagine two writers getting together, right? Fucking 30 things about 30 people also introducing it. So, oh, sure.

Yeah. It is all, it is, it has got to be more than two minutes. Uh, there are so many characters. John just kind of says by the end of it, but several times you will look at the runtime and be like, this is still, this is still going. We're still just naming, naming gay bartenders. Are we really, are we really doing that? And there's like 48 of just, just gay bartenders with secrets.

And they just keep going and the secrets get crazier and crazier to a degree. And then it, it jumps like eight levels with street samurai psychic, the devil. And where is it available? How are any of these people going to interact? It never got made. It's just the trailer. He made the trailer for it. And nobody cares.

I don't know. If you're like me, I kind of juggle like 70 projects at a time. And so sometimes I'll think like, oh, I have an idea for a screenplay. And I'll just like jot down some notes and like character ideas and plot ideas, that kind of thing. It feels like less fleshed out than like 40 minutes of that. Like it just feels like this is the very bare minimum of an idea. And he's like, oh, fuck, we're just a step away from this being the hit show of the decade.

And so to me, it reeks of like lazy writer and like overambitious idea. I love it. But there can be, there can be no, he put no consideration into how any of these people are going to interact with each other. Like you cannot have the guy who's just like thinking about getting a new vacuum cleaner and the devil. Like if I'm being totally honest from a content creation standpoint, like if this person had known that like an intro sequence was the right format for this idea,

then it would have been perfect. Like the tragic thing about this guy's life is that he thought it could be a whole show, like either an episode or a series or a movie. And it's like, no, no, no, no, two and a half minutes of you listing bizarre, escalating lunatics. That's, that's, that's your thing, baby. Like do it for two and a half minutes and then, and then, and then leave. Like take your check and go somewhere else because this is nothing about the plot. Not a single, not a single word about the plot.

It is aggressively entertaining. Like when Brockway showed it to me, I was like, this is fucking incredible. I had to keep pausing it to like text him be like, how did you find this? This is my dream. It's my dream come true. Whatever the show is museum of home video. It's a Twitch stream where it does just stuff like this. That's where, that's where I found it.

Well, my wife found it and sent it to me and then I just treasured it. I hugged it tight to my breast and I ran until I did it. It had that, that rare feeling of discovery too. Like when I found the, the video had like 6,000 views. I'm like, Oh, it's not even that. It's an internet thing. It was like 140 views. That's great.

Ten years. It was nothing. And it was, and I really, I just hope that we can get the show made since we wrote, oh my God, we wrote 4,000 words about. We've 1000% written more than he has written about the show. It's a seven minute trailer and we wrote 4,000 words about it. That's great. Do we, do you have any sense that this person is still alive?

Oh, he's still working on it. He's moved it to New York despite promising that San Francisco is a character of its own. Yeah, dude, he said it. He said it. He said the word forward. He said my favorite thing. When then he moved it to New York. He moved it to New York.

Yeah. He's still trying it amongst his other shows. He's trying to get a show or a show called Gaber hood going and a movie called ghost mall. Like I'm the fan of this guy's projects that will never get made. I know nothing about them. Ghost mall. M A L L. I'm not trying to be cute or anything.

Ghost mall. Like a shopping mall. Okay. Yeah. It's a shopping mall that is dead. Everybody in it died and now they've come back to shop. I'm going to say are you so I think every town has a mall like that now. What do you think of someone like that who will say like I have an idea for a movie.

It's ghost mall and that's like the beginning and ending of the idea. Right. I am. I'm jealous of that level of confidence. Like earlier when you said are there any dream projects I have that I don't think will get off the ground. I that that that's a shallow bucket because I'm I'm so afraid to come forward with like half formed ideas.

But I truly respect and admire the tenacity of someone who's like I got these ideas. One. Ghost mall. Two. Gaber hood. Nothing but the title. But like it's good. Right.

Three. What if monkeys had guns. Four. What if the guns had monkeys. And it's like I like fucking go man. Like I am one of those of that confidence. What are you now that I've I've spoken in like one long uninterrupted sentence for three minutes.

How do you guys feel about what I just said. Let's see. I feel like I I share some of that confidence. Like I do have a lot of projects that I know I will absolutely never finish. But if someone's interested I would love to talk about it for for hours. I'm with you on the jealousy thing. Like I'm I'm very jealous of that kind of confidence where you just run out in front of people's faces and yell ideas at them and like you don't really care if they listen

or hear it or whatever. I wish they had better ideas like if you had good ideas and that confidence you would rule the world. But you're never going to get so rarely find. It's not like a 20 something Corbyn McCarthy was like I got this one idea it's called the road and I got this other thing is like this country and it's not for old men. Like it's not you're never going to get that guy. That guy goes away.

Quiet. That's what I want though. I want that guy in front and center like run up and just hold you by the shoulders and shake you and tell you brilliant ideas. It never happens. It's just like just a guy that's like what if there are 40 gay men in the devil. What what. All right.

What if there were. I don't know. What if there were. That was it. I guess. Yeah. As a writer I've worked in a lot of different medias. I know the dread of someone saying like yeah sounds great.

Write it up. You know what I mean. Like yeah. So if I went to someone and said like you don't care it is. And then someone says cool have it on my desk. In two days I'd be like oh no I didn't really want to write Ghostmall. Like I liked the idea of maybe it existing but the work to get it done is no this is not for me.

This is no. You were supposed to not like Ghostmall so that I could tell you my real idea. Right. I just it felt like a good enough idea to bring it up. I just yeah you're right. I fucked up. Now I'm the Ghostmall guy. That's me.

So I guess like doing this long enough and whatever wisdom I have with me I guess I can see how stupid this guy's idea is and how not an idea it is. You know. Yeah. I see him just missing the characters I'm like oh sweetheart you didn't finish all the work yet. Oh yeah. You know what I mean.

Like this condescending been there seen it all attitude. That's how I'm an asshole. You talk. You were worried I was going to beat everybody up but really what I do is is this I take your life's work your inspiration and go oh you don't know what the fuck you're doing this is never going to happen and then you go home knowing I'm right. I wish he just kicked me. I heard he was going to kicks I was ready.

I'd gotten so prepared to kick but he like he's like an academic comedy bully wasn't prepared for that tore my specifics I'm the worst. He asked questions he knew I didn't have the answer to watch me cry. Yeah. So that's that's what we're going on today on the site. This is Wednesday the 10th. I introduced a character I've been meeting to talk about for a long time and I think you'll like him Dan because his name is hot Dan the mustard man.

Hell yeah. That's the rule you have to like him if he's got your name. I think you should fight for this nickname because I think they let this character lapse a long time ago. He's like introduced in the 30s. He's like this kind of maniac old man baby in a giant bow tie and chef's hat and he'll like appear in your house when you need mustard and he'll all of the ads sort of follow this story.

You never need mustard. Right. You don't do it. You don't want to need mustard. It's always a husband yelling at his wife or something like this cold lamb sucks I'm going to hit you in the face and then hot Dan will just appear and say this mustard will cheer up your cold meat except he kind of rhymes like I'm not a very good like freestyle rapper but imagine I made a perfect little musical rhyme and that's sort of the that's

what happens. Okay. Dan the mustard man. I'm imagining it. All right. Oh it's very impressive. Yeah. Okay good work.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Oh I think so this little this little mascot he also gets called gay a lot because that was just a real nice thing to call someone in the 30s. So it'll say like three this is a direct quote from an actual ad from French's mustard. It says three lusty cheers for our gay little man and I'm just like I you can't choose words like I don't think lusty was no bullshit three I believe you about gay I don't actually

I probably googled for 40 minutes just to find a second source for the ad because I'm like this is like someone doing like some rewrite shit and just putting it out on the internet as if like I wouldn't catch it right now it's it really happened three lusty cheers for our gay little man but Dan the mustard man that is so I'm just saying this if you want to try to make this work I we could start calling you hot Dan the mustard man and you could say you could come into a bar and say three cheers for the gay little man three lusty cheers yes three lusty cheers insist on my lusty cheers that's I so devotees of my work may know that I have struggled with nicknames my entire life and like I've I always

introduced myself as Daniel that never sticks that's not even a nickname it's just my name but still people are like you can't pull that off so I've never really like been comfortable with what I've been called ever and I just like as a child and middle school and high school settled in with being called Dan like that's fine I just dealt with it and then we met a second Dan in high school and he was immediately Dan the man and I was like but I was here first and luckily Dan the man went to a different college so I didn't have that dog me but there was I went to college like away from all the people who knew me as not Dan the man and there was a second Dan on our floor in college and like well

that's big Dan you'll be little Dan and like well can I just be Dan then like this is a downgrade from just Dan compared to Dan the man just Dan so they call you know just Dan I'm happy I'm happy to call you hot day in the mustard man thank you that this is what I was leading towards is like this is something that I feel like I can pull off there's not the the gravitas and the self seriousness of Daniel I'm not good I could never pull off big Dan or Dan the man I'm fine with that but like hot Dan the mustard man is like like yeah you probably won't kind of one on show like that it sounds like fucking music coming out your mouth thank you and if I'm ever at a party and there's like a second Dan

I was like oh I'll clear things up right quick I'm hot Dan the mustard man you're the other you could be whatever you want suck it other day I've got this I think you should cultivate a personality that speaks entirely in rhyme okay just try it out this is like a ghost mall idea like maybe maybe I don't want to see it executed I just wanted to say it out loud and let it sit there see how and you should use it to prevent domestic violence okay that's like we just skipped over how weird that part of it was yeah so there there's I was already I broke into a terrible sweat thinking is there a way that I could rhyme for the rest of this podcast if I speak very slowly and like really think about my words

I just might be able to pull it off but then I got this second comedy specific of preventing domestic violence and I was like well no like I can't get both of those asks one has destroyed the other yes that's the way already the rhymes and think like I can I'll milk rhyming violence with silence for for a couple of beats but then after that what like that that's a that's not a very deep well at all not really comedically it is I honestly think we could talk about domestic violence and laugh all day long I really feel like every everyone can appreciate those types of jokes certainly right I'm glad I brought it up you're welcome everybody enjoy it with the people you love so before we start the main podcast Brockway is there is there something

you'd like to speak about I spoke for 20 minutes on hot day on the mustard man I feel like I didn't give you an opportunity to pitch your current projects my current projects even though one of them was writing with me for three weeks about gay bartenders yeah I'm just I'm living in cocktails man I've been in this place for so long that I don't remember what the outside looks like it's just I walk by people and I superimpose two slides over them that reveal their dark secret but uh yeah I am watching all the lawnmower man movies because one of my favorite things is when you're very very scared about something very stupid and it's obvious even at the time that this was a very stupid fear which is why I'm such a big fan of like the satanic panic

right because they were I mean they were so scared of everything but it's the funniest when they were scared of nerd stuff when they're afraid of of comic books when they're afraid of Dungeons & Dragons because even even in the middle of the 80s you were like what no it's just for nerds fill out and magic magic nerds yeah I mean this is for power nerds sure like you should be you should be uncomfortable but not scared and it's very much the sensation I get with the with what the like the 90s in the early 2000s felt about virtual reality there were so many virtual reality sci-fi horror movies about how it's going to be used for evil and like unlike the virtual boys there just you know like no it's it's like the little red tennis thing that doesn't work

like this is what a virtual reality is and nothing nothing proved that better than the lawnmower man my god even just revisiting that that movie is it's so I mean it opens with a monkey murder I don't know how much stronger you can get than that that is the best way to open a movie I agree 100 I'm shocked I'm shocked and appalled frankly that more movies do not do not open I think movies should even if of course it has nothing to do with it like they could just they could be watching one on TV and then pull out they can just watch the lawnmower man at the start of every movie and then pull out get to whatever movie you're doing after we get past the monkey murder right you have to have like a cold open monkey murder like maybe maybe the monkey is reenacting an actual

murder that happened and then you get to the bottom of that murder but that's how you approach it this reminds me that I think that's the article I told you I liked so much hot damn the mustard van was your article about being trapped in a room with a monkey oh yeah monkey with a gun certainly that that was correct that's exactly right that is the the the column that you complimented me on great memory great compliment what a fun time we're having I have a question I'm interrupting your podcast again with with more questions I apologize but I feel like um you two specifically are the kind of comedy architects that might um you're some of the only people that uh this would be a common problem for because Brockway mentioned you're rewatching all of these movies and I'm

curious uh though has there ever been a lot of time that you sucked into something that you thought was going to end up being a meaningful piece of content uh that it turned out was just a dead end like you watched every single movie of this thing or like every episode of of uh whatever that horny time travel show is quantum leap and uh hope that you'd come out the other side with some like grand important thesis and then it turns out that no there was nothing there oh yeah like I feel like that happens more often than not yeah more of my time is wasted than is spent fruitfully thanks for making me say that out loud no sure no there's I I bring it up because like there's there's one that was sticking out in my mind recently uh this movie are you guys familiar

with pushing 10 it's yeah the air the air traffic control yeah it's it's John Q second Billy Bob Thornton and um uh a very young Cape Lancet and Angelina Jolie and they they work in air traffic control out of uh Newark which is the busiest airport uh certainly at the time perhaps still today and it's it's a truly stressful and and bonkers job um the movie opens with this quote you land a million planes safely then you have one little mid-air at collision and you never hear the end of it uh and because of the time that this movie came out and because it is about air traffic controllers in Newark you then cut to a bunch of planes flying around the twin towers of New York that's just how this movie opens because this was a pre-911 movie and I saw that and I thought

that's got to be the worst opening to like of all the movies that came out before 9 11 just like a terrible doesn't hold up for the reasons that that other movies don't hold up and then I just like spent so much time trying to find other 90s movies with very with that fit this very specific criteria of have of having openings that didn't hold up post 9 11 and there's not it's just that one when you put it in a context like that uh at cracked I would always find something I really wanted to talk about and of course it cracked the structure was making a list right and so I would just waste weeks months like trying to find other examples of something that's just completely bad shit and just being you know a give up on it I probably have 700 like article ideas that are

basically just this is super funny see if you can find four more examples of this very very unique thing nope yeah and that's my favorite part about doing what we do now is that we can find one seven minute trailer it is yeah four thousand words about it that's great it's just such luxury working on the site now because you just find one video and uh you're talking about wasting time and I'm like I don't think I've done that in so long like if I pick up a book and it's a dud like that's 20 minutes out of my life tops like looking through the books and oh this isn't funny I did that for the site not too long ago and I wrote about a jet man and how weird jet man was but everybody hated jet man within his own show I watched quite a bit more after after jet man I stumbled on jet

man first thing but then I was certain that somewhere in these I don't know 117 different seasons there was more like jet man and I found lots of weird stuff and I maybe will find an angle to talk about it someday but I never found that magic again I just kept chasing it so I'm so sure it was still gonna be there and I was so wrong well I was just gonna lead us into like the main topic of today's show and this is my favorite book without any qualifications it's a self-defense book written in 1977 by Lieutenant Jim Bullard I believe he was a police officer in Tennessee and he was asked to lead some self-defense training seminars for women and he took not what he learned but what he taught and put it into a book and it's um it's just a magic magic

book it's called looking forward to being attacked and if you're an old fan of mine I I use this this book a lot and I think I called a kick to the groin comics which is where I would take pictures from crotty books and add word bubbles and little little narrative structures and I did mention it on cracked ones it's it's just the perfect book so um let's see I'd like to start at the structure of the show is I'm just gonna read from this book for a little bit and I want you guys to enjoy it and learn from it uh because a lot of being attacked uh and surviving an attack has to do with attitude not so much ass whooping but like just enjoying it yeah you gotta be into it let's see uh the thing that was foundational to him was after he gave a seminar a woman came up to him

and uh she said that she was uh attacked and she panicked and he looked at her and he was just like yeah of course you panicked you're a piece of shit and that became I'm trying to paraphrase in a way that doesn't spoil the whole book he he does a lot of victim blaming and and this poor woman who got attacked uh he decided that that since she did not enjoy getting attacked enough that's why she was a victim and so that's I just want to establish that's his starting point for his his philosophy for his survival philosophy okay I mean it is true to some extent that like if you don't go into a new experience with a good attitude you're gonna have a bad time like it's it's a good point sure it's

never been attacked before and you have a it it it does uh and I I I know nothing about this book so forgive me if this spoils anything but it it really colors what um it's just a very specific bar for what he would determine a successful reaction to a fight you know like like off the bat it doesn't sound like um it doesn't sound like winning means you get out safely is that fair I think um he's got that kind of um limited imagination of like a conservative mind where he has like a a place he wants to get to where all criminals get destroyed and so he doesn't take all the necessary steps to get there so what he does is he sort of imagines you destroying them and step one of that is to want to destroy him and the rest he sort of yada yada's through so it's it's

tough to say like do you know what I'm talking about with the conservative mentality I guess where you sort of believe one big truth whether it's true or not and you just kind of make everything work in order to get there and that's certainly uh that's how he thinks right you start you start from tough right tough on crime or bad guys behind bars and then like any potential gray area between where we are right now in the world and the end result of in quotes bad guys behind bars that the middle stuff doesn't matter right and there's no statistics that he uses I don't think he uses a statistic in the entire book and he doesn't even really use anecdotal evidence it's all based on this one anecdote told to him by a woman who almost certainly doesn't exist came

up to him after a seminar right like never trust like a conservative saying here's some here's what someone said to me backstage it's like that that story didn't happen yeah that's an anecdote you made up to believe the thing you want to believe so anyway here we go this is chapter one you'll never enjoy being attacked if you don't change your attitude the delightful subject the delightful subject of this book is you're being attacked attacked on the street in a parking lot in an elevator in your car in your bedroom in the library social science section in your dentist office etc wherever you are in today's social climate you are subject to attack which is terrific because when you're finished with this book you are going to be looking forward

to being attacked you will have so many wonderful surprises in store for your attacker that the pleasure will be all yours the next time you are attacked however i'm talking about you're being attacked by a stranger not husband and or boyfriend i'm sorry to inform you that it is a lot easier defend yourself from a stranger than from husband or boyfriend these movements will work against loved ones but seem more easily applied against strangers the simple reason for this is that while husband boyfriend uncles and even neighbors may know your defenses strangers do not so most importantly do not tell your attacker what you are going to do the element of surprise is the most important part of your defense let everything you do to your attacker be a surprise to him

you'll love it do you guys remember as as that's how he begins his book as as young writers do you remember did you have the same sort of reverence for books as i did as like like i i viewed him as such a unimpossible dream for so long like because like i took the idea of books so seriously that like i can't i i i needed to have written for years before i even like had any kind of courage enough to be like uh i think i think this is worth reading this is a thing that i i think is is worthy of a book and all it will take is one person to tell me i'm wrong and i'll be like yeah you're right i'll throw it out you're right it was dog shit anyway like i i for decades of my life i was like no books are are written by the the special people who know the truth and then there's

this guy who's just like yeah this will work better on like not boyfriends or husbands because right because you know you know i'm surprised he has to call that out like this will not protect you from the i'm not about you know stopping domestic violence i want that on record i want it on record that i've never stopped domestic violence but it will not happen it's truly a guy whose background is whatever and he's just like i'm gonna write a book here's what i think this is what i think is wrong with people who get beat up this is how i think they could fix it and i'm gonna leave no wiggle room i'm just gonna say like did you get so it's doing that it's doing that karate thing where yeah where he's assuming that the problem of domestic violence is that your husband knows all

of your moves right exactly that he's gone into it like a UFC fight and he's like got a game plan and he like i know she goes for the cross block here yeah he got a circle away from her leg go for a takedown when she because i know she loves to throw that jab yeah it's so good the idea that like a stranger he's like he's not ready for that but your neighbor might be so much wrong to unpack like it's rare that you can be incorrect like eight times in one paragraph right yeah philosophically pragmatically like this guy will never be right about anything but it's genuinely shocking that there's not like like he didn't throw in a racist element as well because like i'm already picking up that general vibe from him sight unseen i'm picking up well the

book is young yeah okay good all right it would be outrageous if this guy wasn't racist right i would just be if there was a gun to my head and it went off if this never you get you get it you get what i'm trying to say okay so he talks about the this woman who got grabbed from behind and she got this is a police report he's citing and he came up and grabbed her arm and he says give me all your money and she gave him ten dollars and left and he was so disappointed in her because she didn't fight him she didn't scream she just seems really scared that other guys in the future might grab her and this is pathetic he literally says the words pathetic uh she okay she is still the victim because she allowed a social emotional and intellectual zero to scar her emotionally probably

for the rest of her life not only is she fearful of another attack she has infected others with that same fear some pathetically ridiculous offender who has to hide in doorways behind trees lurking alleyways or figuratively under rocks to sustain his miserable life doesn't merit this reaction she did the inexcusable when she reacted to his attack with fear because she responded just the way he hoped he was looking for a frightened mouse and he found one so um i don't think there's a clear example ever of victim blaming this bitch is a zombie plague carrier of cowardice she is there will be a global pandemic of cowardice that will sweep across the world because of her and if i could just connect his thoughts for him he thinks this would have been

this would have gone better if man came up to her this this very real man came up to her grabbed her arm said give me all your money you know like crooks do things would have gotten better if she had turned around stood tall and said you sir are an intellectual zero that that's that's what he thinks would have would have a better interaction have been well for ten dollars ten dollars was the stakes here he makes the point that she could have pulled away from his grip using uh weak point grappling which is where he's got you know how your hand works so you've you've got a hand so she pulls her entire body away from this the space between his thumb and fingers and he and you can't hold on to someone if they pull because your thumb is not as strong as their

whole body that's his that's a quote from him okay so she should have done that uh also i think it should be noted that he talks about a bruise that spreads up and down her arm for four weeks after making it clear that he learns about this woman from a police report so he doesn't mention going and interviewing her later which to me um i got sort of a decent bullshit detector tells me this woman probably didn't exist in the first place so he's he's made up this situation he's made up this woman he's made up her pathetic victimhood he's made up her bruise he's made up how she could have escaped and this is a conclusion she came that he came to that um that she deserved it and she's making the world the worst place so so to um to recap nothing happened and he's

very angry about it so and it's purely a coincidence maria my ex-girlfriend that she has the same name as you and physical description so this uh chapter one is just two pages long i'm gonna read the final two paragraphs this country was built by the superhuman courage and fortitude of its founders may be lost due to the timidity and faint heartedness of their heirs the disgrace of this situation is not totally made up in the criminality of this country but also the reaction to this criminality we must realize that whenever one person is offended in this country everyone is offended it isn't a crime against an individual but a crime against all of us it will take a collective response of anger from all of us to stop the perpetrators

once we stop playing the game the way the offender depends upon us to play it then we will succeed in stopping his game all together so i i think you now get lieutenant jim bullard it's read just the read read just the start of that again our founders and and their heirs this country that was built by the superhuman courage and fortitude of its founders may be lost due to the timidity and faint heartedness of their heirs okay so this and this uh what did you say 1971 when when did this book come out 77 77 okay what i'm trying to like what's he actually mad at right now it's right um there's there's definitely crime exists okay sure that might be one we'll certainly i'm trying to make it look like softness on crime that like that we would

allow anyone to mug anyone is like i mean women i'm going to put women out there right yeah very very very very mad at women i think also yeah i'm just yeah there's there's a bit of that i mean racists don't ever really need an excuse they're just racist and that and that's that's racists are gonna are gonna do racism and think racism but i'm just wondering if there's something culturally that uh that made him decide like now is the time that we are losing our country because that's that's where my brain naturally grows whenever i hear someone do that kind of dog whistling rhetoric of right we are losing my country and it's like okay neat there's a racist uh so what was going on like is that the first time we saw a black person on television uh thriving and then

it's like i gotta write a book about how soft we've gotten right now like i'm i don't know for this president that doesn't do it i could see an uh of course everyone is angry about crime right nobody likes crime but uh you see the quickness he is to just sort of other people you know what i mean like he's like there is a different type of person than you and i and the idea that we've like coddle them and allow them to exist that's so weak and it's hard to find his call to action like i don't know who i'm supposed to attack well yeah but he made a very clear call to action the entire country must get together and destroy every mugger personally destroy the mug every time somebody's mugged several million people get together and haunt him down across the country and if he

lives to see sunrise he's the new president i i think i'd agree to that i do that's just it's in the constitution okay i'm gonna um let's think about that i think that's a a good idea maybe not the best idea uh let's take in more of jim bullet's wisdom here in chapter two the principle of the weakest point adds zest to being attacked zest much like hot damn mustard man adds zest to your cold meat meal a little tang so here we go what would you have done if you had been a lady in the story would you have screamed to attract the attention of the people on the street would you have kicked him in the shins and hit him in the head with your free hand perhaps you would have need him in the groin as your father or brother probably instructed you maybe you would have

screamed scratched knead punched and kicked then again maybe you would have done just as she did short circuit so to speak right down to the middle of your very being you may have even fainted upon his first touch of your arm would you've screamed well if you had he would have been forced to shut you up your first little peep would have brought his hand smashing across your face in an effort to silence you even if he did not intend to hurt you your screaming would trigger his automatic reaction of shutting your mouth don't get me wrong screaming is a valuable tool in terms of self-defense but it must be used at the proper time right like not when you're getting attacked right now wait till you're at home it's an after thing have some dignity yeah it's after when you're

standing atop his corpse victoriously then you bellow to warn other criminals yes this is your kill and you you will feed i certainly i don't imagine anyone actually uh pick this book up and read it to get any practical advice but the idea that someone might have is still very amusing to me that someone had just survived an attack and was like never again i'm going to read about self-defense and then they're at home like honey i'm two chapters in we're still not at punching yet i don't understand i'm feeling really worse than when i picked up the book he blamed me it's just smile when you're attacked so far that can't be right two chapters just smile i need to add zest kicking in the shin is wrong too all right scratching screaming literally every action

is apparently wrong so far so let's see if we can learn would you have kicked him or perhaps given him the famous knee to the groin i swear to god he just mentioned these things so i i don't know how he lost track of the thread after like 40 words but he did you might think you would have but he would have just jerk you off your feet before you came anywhere near your target the first thing an attacker expects a woman to do is kick or knee him and he is set for either move yes the groin is a vulnerable area but most men have an instinctive reflex that protects them from being struck there successfully maybe you would have slapped his face or tried to scratch his eyes out if you had tried more than likely you would have come no closer to his face than two or three inches

before he counters your move because he has control of your arm he has control of you he can pull or push you turn you sideways or swing you against a lamp post then again he could have been one of those peculiar types who enjoyed all the kicking punching and flailing you could inflict and he would stand there getting his fill before lifting your head off your shoulders by smashing your face with his fist generally as soon as you make any move to strike him in such an inefficient manner he doubles it back against you don't kick him punch him scratch or scream as long as there's something else you can do all right that got a little pornographic yeah like he was getting off to that a little bit I don't disagree I can't but that's a peculiar type yeah I cannot wait so this

this mugger is just is like a triple black belt he knows your every move he's prepared for every attack I know him well I'm on first that's Gary I talk to him all the time you need to trust me once you've mugged a few ladies you start to learn their moves because their brothers and their fathers teach them how to kick to the groin yeah I apparently I am not I am not nobody taught me manfu because I am not prepared at all times to be struck in the groin I would argue that I'm almost never prepared to be struck in the right especially I do a lot of interviews with men and I'm like sorry I was saying that I do a lot of interviews with men and I say hey did you teach your wife any karate moves and then whatever he taught her I break those down and then I like

trained to defend them just because I do a lot of mugging on the side it's just a yeah of course you got it in this economy you got to have a side gig I'm trying not that I I actively think about mugging anyone but I I couldn't wrap my brain around being the kind of mugger that this author believes is very common I can't grab someone and also protect my groin and face and have a hand ready to accept the money should they be a coward and just give it to me when I ask for it right like this is I guess I could protect with because then I met then I'm I'm if I have to like twist myself awkwardly so that like the meat of my thigh is is where she would strike to protect my my my genitals I still now I just look stupid and that's part of it too yeah you

gotta look cool when you're mugging I am I'm sorry this book is uh it's very crazy I was trying to find my spot and uh he just he kind of melts my brain every now and I think I want to apologize yeah that's that's fair I'm gonna just sit here and like daydream of how I would mug this woman who doesn't exist am I interrupting too much I feel I feel like no no I maybe not even enough I the whole idea is that we're just reading this insane book and growing together as people okay good I don't know if you if you had like the the highlights of if if we are like two percent into what you wanted to get into we are probably halfway through what I have prepared and then uh I thought we'd like let fate decide a little uh because I wanted to sort of establish uh like the foundational

parts of it just like here here's how he's crazy and then we'll just sort of maybe just to prove to everyone how I'm not making this guy up or cherry picking the craziest parts we'll we'll maybe pick some random spots and I'd like to start here we're still just on page seven I just kind of want to establish uh who this guy is and then we'll go a little more freeform um this is called don't just stand there breaking the grip escape as soon as you escape his grip then separate yourself from your attacker as fast as your little legs will let you chug once separated by two or three quick steps according to how excited you are that may be 10 to 20 yards then scream what will you gain if you turn to face your attacker and slug it out with him even if you win you're gonna bark

your knuckles and he isn't worth paying that price bark move away from him but this is not letting him run you in fear a bark is in quotes I guess like um okay you have no you have more experience than than I do is bark have you ever heard that in this kind of context before I have not yeah okay but this is it's it's just real old timey slang for like knocking against something really okay yes well I've now turned turned a corner on this guy you can start using it with confidence and nobody will ever call you out well so the other thing about this book is it's really well produced uh martial arts book where there's a lot of different sets a lot of books will just have like they'll spend an afternoon taking pictures of them in a studio

apartment or something but this he goes to the grocers he goes to tennis games he goes to the dentist and he attacks women and then they show him how to like get out of wrist grabs right and then he says no no it's for a book when it doesn't go well at the same point says does camera man and he likes his wounds and there's there's a real like like darkness to like some of the very funny like attacking someone during a tennis game is funny because it's not only in plain view of everyone but like she's definitely got someone there to help her it's also pretty far from the gate like you have to go a good amount yeah when a mugger opens the gate and he has to like run over to you it gives you like a good amount of time to be like well what's this guy gonna do and you

certainly don't have your wallet on you like you might actually have your wallet over where you're not playing tennis give me that racket bitch no and um there's one that's very scary that's the thing it's like uh the whimsy goats really dark sometimes like there's a guy in a men's room and he's just a hand coming out of the men's room pulling on the girl and I'm just like oh that's just it's so darkly weird yeah uh there's one where he's attacking a little girl at church uh I'd like to read you page 17 in its entirety okay this is how to escape a wrist grip uh from behind he grabs both your wrists if you could picture that this woman is on the stairs and he's just grabbing a woman by the wrists from behind okay uh the defense this is tricky and

has to be done just right the element of surprise must be present in this defense probably more than in any illustrated so far if your practice partner gets frisky and removes the element of surprise then just take your foot and kick backward into his groin simultaneously singing surprise don't do that I'm only kidding save that for strangers they'll appreciate it more but he said they would always be prepared for that uh here's another one a shoulder grip so this is if a man comes up to you and has his um he puts his hand on your shoulder uh defense warning do this at about half speed against your practice partner stop before making a full circle your practice partner is going to be miffed

if you rip his arm out of its socket so uh yeah it is a good day if it is a good day and you have used sufficient speed you'll spin his arm in his shoulder socket this is a terribly maiming injury which is terrific if your speed has been a little slow or if he is light he may just spin and only be thrown to his uh thrown on the ground to his back so a lot of the book set up is that you're just a tiny little woman you can't ever win a fight but once it comes time to like actually do these moves like they're just this fucking terrible things like you might snap them in in half if you do this wrong and now you're gonna pull his arm off and beat him with it you're gonna tell him quit hitting yourself while you're doing it but he can't because you're doing

it and uh i read i read you that part where he's talking about some dudes just super into it if he was like beat on him and he'll just like let you beat on him for a while before he kills you that's he rewrites that probably 20 different ways up until this point like how you're just like okay so some men in quote marks enjoy being beaten let me teach you how to beat me in the way that i enjoy i got you i got what this is this is uh let's see here's what's such a bummer about this is that uh i i wish i could write something like this but i'm not allowed to there's no market for fake 1970s self-defense as written by uh uh horny maniac books there's i can't i can't do that and even even if there i would argue that 1900 hotdog we would love an article exactly as

your if you're pitching us we say yes but the the thing is i like that sounds great i can't i can't go beat for beat with this guy like i would never come up with the specifics of like and here at a tennis game at the dentist's office are you a little girl in church what if you're walking down the stairs and he grabs both of your wrists from behind like i don't have it in me i'm not imaginative enough to do what this guy to uh come up with the version of reality that this guy thinks he lives in exactly he's he's beyond parody it's if you're on a roof and he grabs both your ankles i will teach you to defend against this i promise he's a very real man though i i mean we all lived through i believe you through the last four years we understand that

there's people out there uh with where we have no capacity to parody them they're just ridiculous and he is one of them i 100 believe you and if uh if my girlfriend is ever attacked uh at at the driving range on her birthday like god help me i hope she reads his book because that's the only way she'll be prepared for that kind of nonsense i imagine you just hit him in the head with the golf club right no that's exactly what he'd be prepared to defend if you're in a golf if you're mugging at a golf club that's the move you expect right because in this scenario he's asked me no you're gonna attack with the birthday cake we're like hey pal if i grabbed somebody's girlfriend what would you do and you're like

well i i suppose i'd hit hit you in the head of the golf club good to know you're like wait oh no what have i done that wasn't the ball boy so i'd like to uh read now from chapter three which is called unbalancing an unbalanced attacker is a delight principles of unbalancing when i said you were going to look forward to being attacked i was thinking of your using unbalancing techniques against an attacker unbalancing techniques make being an attack being attacked an absolute delight remember do not tell your attacker what you're going to do so long as the element of surprise is present in your defense it will work speed timing and leverage coupled with surprise makes unbalancing your attack

are easy and a heck of a lot of fun okay that's that's like his number one tip is don't explain what you're about i'm going to turn and punch you in the neck oh how how were you prepared every woman is just an anime character yelling moves out here here's a story that i'll tell us as as briefly as possible to explain why i love this guy's writing style so much so it's my freshman it's my sophomore year of college i have a roommate his name is john he's the worst person in the world uh i hope he's dead now and he fuck you john he made uh he made my living situation so terrible because he's just a disgusting trash person who filled the room with cigarette smoke and and his farts and like every bad thing you could

imagine a roommate to be he embodied that uh to the end of the degree and one of the things this is not like this is like like barely registers on the list of horrible things about him he used my coffee machine to make coffee one time and never cleaned it and didn't uh tell me about that and then like days after it had just been sitting there collecting mold i was on my way out to go to class or something and he was like oh by the way before i forget the coffee that's in the pot that's coffee that i made like four days ago uh so if you see coffee in there don't drink it it's old and and that really stuck with me as like him thinking he was being helpful but i really wanted to respond to him with like you are uh preparing me for a problem

that only you would have no one else in the world would see a strange pot of coffee and assume i guess i made this this morning hmm i don't recall that but it sounds like something i would have done yeah i do like coffee and i'm gonna just like pour this cup hey oh no i've been fooled again like i don't i know where all my food comes from so that's not a problem that like is an issue in my life where it's like find errant sandwiches around and forget where they came from i recognize that this is a very real issue for you that like you've probably drank someone else's shitty coffee multiple times in the past but you have to know that this isn't a concern for the general population that's how this guy writes and i i'm obsessed with that kind of mindset because it's like

now i know what you're thinking announced your karate chop in advance but don't do that no don't do it that's gonna take off yeah a lot of people aren't as smart as me they they don't say at this higher level but you want to keep it real good to say karate chop but uh try not to do it until after you chop i do sometimes uh yell out moves when i do them uh i'm not uh who doesn't i i know i i here's another thing uh this is totally an aside uh i i do this thing where um i i'm not as my reef as i get older my reflexes fade i do this thing where i'll block a jab with just a headbutt and i say it like it's a new thing but i've been doing that since i first learned how to box and uh i think i learned it from that brian denahe movie uh it's called gladiator but not

the russell crow gladiator and he like it's a very knuckle box yeah so he headbutts that guy's hands and they shatter and i'm like that's fucking awesome and so best you can just take lessons from movies if you want and so i took that lesson and i still do that and uh i've since tried to like train myself out of it uh because it's it's not great to headbutt punches uh but i i here's the thing you can't unlearn hulkomania and that's really the lesson i'm trying to impart right you okay in in that case if i there has to be a clause if the move is sufficiently crazy enough you absolutely have to say it while you're doing it otherwise they're gonna think it's an accident they have to know you did it on purpose when you headbutt their punch they have to they

can't be like oh i was gonna sneeze i'm sorry try that again it has to be headbutt what that's fucking crazy why would you do that uh there's another move i really like uh it's uh spinning backfist it's pretty effective to like close the distance if you throw it really hard it's it's it hurts um but i like to do it like lorenzo llamas where he'll like throw the backfist and then spin back to where he was rendering it virtually like pointless and so i do like to throw that move and scream lorenzo llamas at the same time and that's just the kind of the kind of fun i like to have when i'm fighting it's not pointless it it flared his ponytail out it that's it looks beautiful hair twirl it looks sweet as hell and you just you can't hurt a stunt guy with it it's just like

lorenzo do that all day yeah that's fine so um let me continue the first attack from uh from chapter three is the flirty guy approaches from the side your defense to this you hesitate in front of your favorite department store to admire a dress on display in the window like a woman does i'll continue you stand there trying to figure out how to work it into your budget behind you stands a fellow admiring you and trying to figure out how to work you into his budget this is wait what incredible he has a he has a budget for attacked women like i can only have three i think he's just got like 40 minutes to like sexually assault women before he has to get back to work so it's his time budget schedule he said budget yeah he did he said budget i think that was just

for the um the elegance them to mirror that it's like poetry it rhymes um he slithers up beside you and wraps his arm around your waist offering to buy the dress for you you might say size seven or whatever and encourage him to buy you the matching shoes and purse but i hope you would throw him to his back leaving him screaming outside as you run inside screaming too this is here's another thing that's that offending that's effective about his his writing style is that it's very similar to like the rhetorical style of uh tucker carlson type someone who they throw so many different things that you want to dispute at once that you can't read like it would take too long because now i'm spending there's like 10 wrong points and each of them would require me 20

minutes to explain why they're wrong and so at the end i just throw up my hands because i'm i'm defenseless here like they're like like a tucker carlson he wins the debate elon omar and aoc plus three they want us to go to be socialists like they are in venezuela well well we saw what happened with ducante and i'm like hold on slow down slow down i i i only wrote down elon omar so far like you need to go back and like by the time i i look up tucker carlson is already at and and and that's why black lives don't matter like ah right fuck there are too many threads for me to pick up on there that's what this guy like i'm still i'm still like knee jerk 2021 mad that his go to was a woman staring at a dress at her favorite department store trying to figure out how it fits

into her budget and i'm like hang on sir that's not that's not how that's like a like a dated stereotype right now and then like by the time those words are out of my mouth we're 20 miles down the road and there's nothing i can do there is an art to it there's an art to being like he he probably only said like 14 words there and he's 16 different kinds of wrong like it's the packaging is just it's the compression rate his compression rate is amazing right it's the things that he doesn't say that like the resonation from earlier where we're like oh yeah he said that like women would only know how to knee someone in the groin if they were taught that by their father or brother like not even like your father like your brother like yourself like someone age of your same age

knows how to attack someone because they're a boy right like he just can't picture women knowing to knee someone in the groin now honey i've learned this over 60 or five years of being a man uh balls yeah the end that's it did you even know about them yeah anytime i try to rob someone and they knee me in the balls i'm like whoa you didn't tell me you grew up with brothers how did you think of this well uh we'll continue the attack uh the does that offending hand have to be at your waist for you to perform your throw the truth is if he knows anything about molesting his hand is not likely to be at the waist we know where it will probably be but even if it is on top of your head it won't

make any difference he's too close and that's his undoing oh my god if he knows anything about molesting if he went if he went to molesting college yeah that's in this in this very specific community where like it's a group of people who are all molesters and then they watch someone else put his hand on someone some woman's waist and like this guy doesn't know the first fucking thing about molesting what an asshole oh what is this first day in molesting school come on get this rookie shit out of my house there there is an attack in this that's a woman at a bus stop and uh jim bullard does all of this photography himself so he's he's the attacker in all these pictures and he does come up behind her and grab her by the tits and this one i think he's like

you know i don't want to be seen in this picture so he has a fucking potato sack on his head in the picture so she's being full on like groped at the bus stop man by like a resident evil four monster that's where they got the idea where they got the inspiration i mean i just don't want to like note this guy's book to death or anything like that but if assume that your reader genuinely does want to learn how to defend herself or herself and like don't be don't be coy about the language don't be like we all know where he's gonna put his hand no like like no one could actually learn from your book but just pretend for a second that they that they want to and like go for it explain what like i don't know why uh in your book where you're trying to teach people how to save their

lives from uh murder and molestation like don't why is it g rated what the like what the who is this four right there is this something about self-defense books that uh even when they're like here's exactly how you break out of this holder here's exactly how you throw this type of kick there's something about them that's like yeah we you can't really control test this stuff you know what i mean and so when you go through an entire book and again i have a lot of experience sparring which you know maybe i haven't been in like a real fight since high school right but like i can look at these books and say this probably won't work or this probably will work and but who the fuck knows right like every mugger is gonna be different mugging is a beautiful

spectrum and just the idea of like oh don't scream because they'll do this or don't punch do this don't hit in the groin it's like i i feel like this is all just like a theater to make people feel better about themselves and and the choices he's making to make me the reader feel better about myself are very strange because assuming i was a mugging victim he's already said like that's because your piece of shit and it's your fault and here's how you do it next time some pervert tries to like flirt with you because again a lot of these are terrifying sexual assaults but there's probably 15 that are just like uh misinterpreted like over the line flirts where we're we're physically attacking someone for putting their hand on your leg is like maybe not the best move

i mean definitely he's a bad guy for doing that he deserves to get beat up but like to to escalate that to like a karate fight is maybe not the safest option is i don't know sometimes it is that's my point he definitely he thinks that there is like a bizarro universe version of himself out there that is writing this book for muggers and molesters right and that he has to combat this rival source of knowledge like there's like there's mug fu that they're at they're studying like if he comes at you with your classic between the butt cheek grab you need to counter okay like yeah there is a rival well of knowledge that he expects every mugger to adhere to right and train by i also feel like he makes i feel like describing the

the would-be attacker outside of the department store as uh a flirty stranger is giving a little bit too much there's too much generosity there for the attacker like like i half expect like the flirty stranger comes up puts his hand on your waist here's how you could break his grass or you know like back see if you like it i don't know like like there's some element where it's like or give him a chance who knows maybe he's gonna buy you that dress how about that you saw pretty woman i didn't but i imagined it's something like this i think you're right i think uh cowards richard gear came up to her and he put his arm around uh her breasts like a good molester and then it took off the potato sack and she was like oh yeah oh pretty handsome

and it's clearly and she said i'm going i'm going to knee you in the dick now richard gear and he says ha ha you revealed too much of your plan okay so that's those are the ones i wanted to read to you just to sort of let you know the foundation of of of how fucked up this dude is i'd like to now read you the um remaining um eight chapter titles and descriptions so here we go chapter four is called life affords few pleasures that can equal the striking of vulnerable areas with an exclamation point chapter five is called applying pressure points against joints to surprise bewilder and gain the admiration of your attacker hey now wow i really i really respect that you know what you're hired chapter six putting the old spark back in your obscene telephone calls

you made that one up i didn't make it up i promise what i promise wait wait read that again putting the old spark back into your obscene telephone calls there's always there's there's a twist at the end of every chapter title that makes it so perfect and i it's always a surprise and i've loved it every single time it's always something like here's how to dislocate his jaw this autumn all right nice i think you might like chapter seven is it ever possible for you and your burglar to have a meaningful relationship where do you go from here where do you go for i'm glad you asked because chapter how do you turn that chapter eight don't shoot the peeping tom he may be your next door neighbor what the the depth of the strangeness oh my god okay he is actively he's gone from

kind of advocating murdering them to on their side yeah he's like give him the bend of the death so now now it's so gradual Sean you've read this whole thing i have um where do we land on chapter seven can you have a meaningful relationship with your burglar in time for the christmas ball or whatever i i don't think so um it says so it's warning you that like don't try i know your natural instincts are going to assume that this is dating material but i'm warning you it makes it even better that like burglar that that he digs into it and then comes at the end of it he's like look i looked at this from every angle you can't burglars or burglars that's just in there yeah you know they're not great people short term relationships uh but long term no no they're

just too different here's here's why he's gonna rob someone else he explains by nature burglars are shy and skittish individuals tending to be withdrawn and antisocial they much prefer to be left alone in your house with plenty of time to rummage through your possessions weighing the value of each article they tend to be night people with a distaste for light and airy surroundings most burglars are not disposed to hard work in tailing prolonged effort but much prefer the simpler challenges of standard locks and casement windows though quiet they are not particularly neat some burglars leave houses and shambles i'm afraid the majority of burglars detest animals of any type and have marked antipathy for barking dogs so um i guess that's if that's something you're interested in

that's um they have nictating membranes that protect them from sudden light that's they can burrow some of the gentlest and cutest way to describe burglars that if you went into someone's house you're like hey what are you doing here don't it i'm shy get out of here i don't like i don't could you turn the lights on come on i don't like the way my thighs look in my burglar pants stop it that's the only reason i'm not robbing you in broad daylight what's your size nice chapter nine it's called exhibitionists could be nice if they were not so bashful and once chapter ten is no no no no how dare you one more time around on chapter nine exhibitionists could be nice if they were not so bashful

how are they bashful of the exhibition i i agree no because now it may i get it this is like clickbait of 1977 it is very clickbaity the the page it's making me want to read the chapter to find out the chapter is one page long the national pastime of streaking has made exhibitionism almost a thing of the past unfortunately there are still those terribly traumatized by their first encounter with the exhibitionist exhibitionism is almost entirely an avocation of male adults females are born exhibitionists and certainly no one objects to this fact especially males wow that's you with like eight ways just fuck you in all the ways wow that's chapter i'm glad we read a bit of that chapter chapter 10 driving by yourself

can be very exciting okay um no objections to to chapter 10 driving by yourself can be very exciting i'm fine with that chapter nine is 100 it can i agree like uh someone invented someone in 2017 invented a babe.net headline generator and they came up with chapter nine yeah it's real troubling what do we think is that reference going to scan for this audience 2017 babe.net jokes i i think they'll get it i think there's context to understand it all right i think babe.net is inherently descriptive okay good all right uh chapter 11 is uh sort of sums it all up it says walking streets parking lots alleyways and theater aisles looking forward to being attacked so these are like all the locations where that might be really nice for that to happen

and those are the chapters of looking forward to being attacked um i want to read the very last um um very last paragraph well it's chapter 10 brockway driving alone can be nice sometimes yeah driving alone can be very exciting oh excited yeah i agree i like a nice solitary drive absolutely put on some music and and like i never thought yeah i would say i agree with this guy but he did it yeah he pulled it out this is a guy who wrote most of this book when it was raining and then wrote chapter 10 on a nice day he's real susceptible to those mood swings like you know when you put on sad music when you're writing and you're like oh all my writing it's really taking a touching tone yeah that's what happened to this guy i've been saying it's come marching in started

playing hey oh all right here we go picking up okay this is how this is the final paragraph of the book have you ever seen a mouse chase a human being i'm not talking about a rat but a tiny little mouse a little mouse with no avenue of escape will rear up on her little haunches and expose her tiny little claws to strike at the oncoming danger people run out of the house all you have to do is walk over to the little mouse and step on it it will be gone but no one does that when the little mouse takes that stand of resistance people will run from it if that attitudinal stand will work for a tiny little mouse will it not work for a nation and then i swear to god i swear to god there's a there's a mail-in thing to uh to order from

him directly a protect her mini ice scraper keychain and so it's just like a little ice scraper that you could presumably like use as a knife against an attacker it's um five dollars one dollar for postage and then one giant blank page at the very top of it it says list the freedoms you have lost that's it wow he he thought he was he thought he solved the country i thought we were working on like a person a person basis in india and he's like america fixed so we you just gotta freak the fuck out until muggers are scared of you that's i couldn't oh god i couldn't imagine fuck that rules so much yeah you never you're right like no one could have imagined it like if you were doing a parody of it you wouldn't think let's have a blank page at the end that just says

list the freedoms you have lost yeah it's just but i do now everything i do is now going to have a blank page at the end that says list the freedoms and it's not a like a running theme of the book very little the book is about like loss of personal freedom it's about like the loss of like the integrity of the nation that would allow crime to be on the rise i just looked around and it turns out the star spangled banner is not playing anywhere i i guess it's just in my head put it on the list seem right it seems about right it's so compelling i i i would love to just be in an audience and watch him deliver the entire book just say it all just because i'm absolutely hooked when he gets that last paragraph and it's like have you ever uh seen a human run away from a mouse i'd be like

everyone shut the fuck up let's see where he goes let's see i i've seen everyone actually pause him time to breathe everyone time to move let's all write down let's all write down where we think this is going let's all write down the last word we can imagine of this book and i guarantee you none of us are gonna get it right and then he closes with the nation oh god so good thundering applause if this was a one-man show you know a lot of ways it's a perfect allegory because america as a nation is like just a tiny little mouse like we we don't have any military strength we don't have any like personal armaments uh our people are a very frail and tiny people radically underweight uh short tiny people um anyway the point i'm getting to our biggest

and our biggest problem is that we are just not confrontational enough right we're just these timid little things people say put on a mask to protect your neighbors and we're like okay mr government i i love did i did i follow the metaphor right we are we are the the mouse we need to be the mouse we are the mouse it's it's such whiplash because like there's the mouse who's affecting this pose and people don't realize you can just go up to the mouse and step on it but people run away and i'm like i see where this is going i'm the people nope fucking nope nope you're that fucking helpless mouse you're not even the mouse america is the mouse you're this little kitten standing sideways trying to look big you're not even here you're not i'm not even

talking to you anymore i'm talking to i'm talking to the nation you're a cardboard cut out of kevin sorbo pretending to be the real kevin sorbo oh my goodness but you're not can i that was a terrible terrible work of art thank you would you spell his name so i can look at pictures of him on the internet please uh lieutenant uh jim bellard b u l l a r d and uh this book has been discovered by a few found footage type places so i'm i imagine you'll find lots of uh lots of pictures from the book and of course if you go to shahmabie.com and find the kick to the growing comics you'll find remnants of it i absolutely promise you he tells everybody to call him bulldog yeah well he died in 2017 but yeah up until his death but i'm sure i'm sure his last words were

call me bulldog just wants here's a list of freedoms i lost life that was his final words we want to thank you for being here hot dan the mustard man and before you go are there any uh freedoms you'd like to uh list that you lost yeah you know here's the thing i started this book because i wanted to learn how to uh beat up my attackers i wasn't repaired for a quiz at the end about my freedoms so so you're saying no you're you haven't lost any freedoms worth mentioning yeah i mean it's not oh lordy da mr prince yeah gun to my head i i still pretty much do whatever i want so fucking a fucking a oh okay good all right tomorrow

this dog zone 9000 was made possible by contributions from hot dogs of dreams like benjamin syran dr awkward yosari josh s zachary evans adrian hisbrock adan moe brian whitney josh fabian armando naba lineman tosty god neil schaefer doug redmond jaybur al-aidan david forna mike styles eric spaulding the artist formerly known as deafen hawk neil bailey micah phillips yannis ionitis holly poiswell john macamon nick h matt riley ria rich josley ken paisley timmy lehi dean costello three finger louie nick ralston zadar fan jamie gordon john and jeremy neil oh

drink in the night away drink in the night away drink drink i get knocked down but i get up again you're never gonna keep me down i get knocked down i get up again you're never gonna keep me down i get knocked down but i get up again you're never gonna keep me down