The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 110, Masters Of The Gridiron With Django Wexler

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

Brockway drafts Seanbaby and fantasy author Django Wexler to talk about his favorite fantasy movie of all time: a 15-minute football promo. In 1986, the Cleveland Browns made and starred in a short Conan ripoff called Masters of the Gridiron, guest starring The Michael Stanley Band, Tiny Tim, and a loose bear. On to the planet of battle!

One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. Yeah.

When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on. You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog.

One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero. Yeah. Not thousand. Welcome to the dog zone nine thousand. The official podcast of one nine hundred hot dog. The final resting place

of tech space comedy. I'm Robert Brockway and I'll be playing Brock a Thor the football viking. And with me is my partner Sean baby who will be playing Sean baby kiss the wizard who deceives men with his feet. Fuck yes. Hi.

Hi and our guest acclaimed fantasy author of books like the thousand names and ashes of the sun. It's Django Wexler who will be playing the role of a loose bear. The loose bear is pretty great. It's what it's well known though that my wrestler name is Django Rexler.

Django Rexler. Oh that's really good. That would absolutely be your barbarian name. Your barbarian name is built in. Very lucky. And I'm happy to be here. Thanks. No it would be way too clever.

Also we're happy to have you here. And before we get started what would you like to play today? What are you doing lately? Me? Well my book Emperor of Ruin which is book three in the

series. The grand conclusion is coming out about a week from when this podcast airs February 28th. It's like we planned it. That's crazy. Yeah just coincidence. And I'm super excited. I didn't have any releases

last year because of supply chain issues and other baby related delays. And so it's like I feel like I'm getting back in the game again. Beat that apocalypse. That'll be a lot of fun.

The first book is Ashes of the Sun. If you're not caught up with the series you can go check it out. It'll be complete and that'll be good. And then also we launched a Patreon last month and we're doing writing craft discussions with friends of mine in the industry.

We had Scott Lynch on. By the time this goes up we'll have Yoon Ha Lee on and we're doing one of these a month and it's really a lot of fun. Patreon.com slash house Wexlayer W-E-X-L-A-I-R because it's a blend of my name and my wife's

who works on it with me. You can see stuff for free. There's a lot of free content you can subscribe for the usual set. I see you also hate SEO and marketing. Yes. That's 1900 hot dog.

We're tied to it. It's who we are now. You don't like the name. This whole time you haven't liked the name? I love the name. It's just that the name flies in spite of success. It destroys success, Sean.

You can't call us. You can't even really look us up. People have no idea. Is there still such a thing as 900 numbers? Does that still exist? It's replaced by some internet based deviance. I think there's probably room

to be a fetish. Somebody's on a land line. It's like an old rotary phone fetish. That beige that's part of it. I like it to get interrupted. When I'm making love to a woman on the phone,

I get interrupted by someone telling me it's going to be $5.95 for the next minute and I'm like, yes, that's what I needed. Your little brother picks up the line and is like, I want to call Bob. Get off the phone, mom! Can I just say it's great.

It feels like an honor being on with you guys because I have followed since the old crack days I've been reading your stuff and Sean, I guess a little even before that, back when it was just your site.

I feel like this is like the OG of internet comedy that I'm talking to here. I'm happy to have you. We've brought Django on because of course we needed an authority in the world of fantasy

to discuss my favorite fantasy movie of all time. 1986's Masters of the Gridiron. This is a 15 minute just like all the best fantasy movies, a 15 minute short fantasy movie made by and starring

the 1986 Cleveland Browns. All the best fantasy films. Much like all the best fantasy films. You probably found this in your research, but this was mostly the work of Mike Bab's wife. Oh yeah, we get

deep into Lawless. I purposely did not read up on the lore because having watched it now just an hour ago, I have a lot of questions. There's not going to be answers for some of them.

They're philosophical at some point. I do have answers for the hard questions like who wrote it? Which was Lawless Garcia Bab. Bab? Bab, I'm assuming.

Lawless Garcia Bab. The proceeds, she pitched this as they had to make it because the proceeds were going to go to the United Way. She did not have a plan for what proceeds and why they would be generated. Also, I'm going to call

bullshit on that because I did read a story about how furious Mike Bab was when he found out that some of the promised money didn't come through. They had to make it like United Way came and held a gun. No, they were just doing like a fundraising

drive and really tied into the UTA and were just looking for projects to do to fund them. I thought it was because they saw Super Bowl Shuffle and they thought, oh, we should do something exactly like that. But with no wrap

and maybe some Conan. That's the real reason. The on paper reason is that they were going to share funds with the United Way. Lawless Garcia Bab, it was her idea but she also wrote it.

If you check her screenwriting credits, you might see she is known for this. I'm going to take a wild guess. I was going to guess Masters of the Gridiron and ET, the extraterrestrial. You won't believe this. Just this.

She worked on just this and nothing else ever again. However, it was directed by a man named Randy F. Martin, who you might know from. My left foot. Just this. Only this. Nobody working on this had ever done anything

before and would never try again. I have to say though, watching it, they look like they're having fun. They look like they're like, yeah, whatever, this is great. This whole thing rules. They're running around in barbarian costumes.

As you will soon find out, that is 100% what happened. So she wanted to do a fundraiser for the UTA. She originally did a music video. This was just post Super Bowl shuffle. I'm assuming she was like, we should do a Super Bowl shuffle.

She went to everyone in the bears and their reply was, we're not going to do that. That was something that everybody did. Super Bowl shuffle was so big. It penetrated every aspect of the culture. That must have been a weird time at a lot of

NFL teams. These groups of people, I picture them in the locker room looking around and being like, well, what are we going to do? That's exactly what happened here. That's what this is. This was their answer to Cleveland Brown sitting around the locker room and saying, okay,

well, what are we going to do? It's a fantasy movie because Lawless realized that Michael was a huge Conan the Barbarian fan. So in her words, she says, we started to open bottles of wine and two or three hours later,

all of Masters of the Grid. I'm shocked that it could have conceivably taken three hours. I just don't, I don't buy it. I don't know where that time went. Maybe they had a bunch of bad ideas that had to be caught. The bear.

The bear. Bad ideas that had to be cut and then they didn't. They only had 15 minutes. We can't cut any. Well, this is what's left, right? This was the best. So next, they had the concept of

let's do something, something fantasy. They had written the script drunk in two hours. Now they had to get the owners to approve it, which seemed impossible so they didn't. They just did it smart. No, they did not. In Lawless's words, she says, can you imagine

a bunch of NFL players out with Axis swords and swinging them in active sword battles on their days in between football games? I don't think the Browns had any idea what we were doing. They would not have allowed it. They just took the team out to the woods. Yeah.

She told the owners that they were making a promo video. Just a promo video because the Cleveland Browns had done a Christmas special the year before that went over pretty well. And since this was all for charity and since fucking nobody

would have possibly imagined they'd be doing this, they were like, yeah, go make a video. And then they went out to the woods. First they had to convince the players. This was a very difficult job. Mike, the guys were in on it right away when they figured out

we're going to dress in furs and carry Axis. Everyone said the same thing. Don't make me look stupid. And do I get a line? If I was hanging out with my friends and they're like, we're making a Barbarian movie today, there's no way I would say, oh, absolutely not. No.

Yeah. Screw that. Who wants to go in the woods and swing Axis around? Especially if all of your friends were exclusively huge guys like, I gotta use this. I built this for a reason. Okay. Here's my question. Don't waste the meat.

I don't know very much about football. Were the Cleveland Browns any good at this time? As it's time they were. Okay. It feels different if this is like a beloved championship team versus like the team that everyone hates.

It was both. I looked it up last night and in the last 20 years they are officially the worst team in the NFL. However, during this time they were in contention. They were in contention. They were a playoff team. Maybe not the Super Bowl, but they were a playoff team. No, they almost made the Super Bowl

this year, but not quite. See, I went to school and lived in Pittsburgh for 10 years and like crapping on Cleveland was like a thing in Pittsburgh. My view of Cleveland is somewhat

biased. I think that's a thing everywhere except for Cleveland and maybe also Cleveland. Yeah. The Cleveland Browns, you might not know this. The team got their name because the town touches like Erie, which is made out of diarrhea.

It's good. The ruler of the city of Cleveland. We used to describe Pittsburgh as like the city motto was Pittsburgh. It could only be worse in Cleveland. And you were right.

You were right. Well, now that we know this was a project conceived based on nothing except for maybe exploiting a fad that happened a year before and firmly nobody liked any more by that point and written drunk

by an on-writer for the first time. A lot of head damage. Possibly against the wishes of the owners. Certainly not advised and recruiting just a bunch of huge guys who wanted to have fun in the woods with weapons.

That sounds like the perfect recipe. Sounds great. Well, I also assume they go into the woods and they fight ninjas for summary or samurai, it looks like. Which I'm assuming is like the Cleveland metro area

karate club. Because it looks like they... I do have answers for that. I hate them. Let's get into the movie itself. It starts off like all the best movies. Just a bunch of foggy druids and synth music

that morphs into the Cleveland Browns hanging out in their locker room having fun. I like this because it's manly in a very 1986 way. Looking at it today just seems like everyone's about to fuck. One of them is brushing

his hair in the mirror and then he just fucking loses it. He explodes with so much sexual ferocity he tears his shirt off and starts brushing his chest hair. It's not explained, it's just like all this passion around him is just fucking tearing him up. We call this the top gun effect.

Yes, the top gun effect. Absolutely. It's kind of tender like the rubbing each other's feet. They're kind of snuggling. Last of us, episode 3, is getting all this credit for being a touchy love story between men, but Cleveland Brown infected it in 1986. They had it nailed 40 years ago.

The guy that explodes his shirt for no reason other than I guess sexual tension. That's Dan Fike. We'll need to remember that one in particular. A lot of fikes in this movie. A lot of fikes in this movie.

He's reading Conan comics and making faces like he's never even heard of stories before. It's just blowing his mind. Did this all fucking happen? When their coach comes in and reads a message from the mayor that boils down to, I'd really like you

to bring home a championship ring to Cleveland. Which is just... The mayor says, I don't know what to tell those meatheads, to win the football game or whatever, the house of the shit. Anyway, that's the message from the mayor. You can do it.

Just do it. You all killed. I'd love it if it did happen. Anyway, this is expert foreshadowing for what the whole thing is about. The Browns take the field and we cut to a chubby, bearded drunk cheering just half shirtlessly.

He's what I can only describe as a Cleveland 10. Robed hand, taps him on the shoulder and sits down and he does. And this is the first of a few funny bits that completely break the premise if you think about them at all. So don't.

I never return, either. There's some football. I feel like that's a time-traveling skeleton from Mike Babs' future concussion visions. Yes, that's exactly what it is. That's the way I read it. And you're thinking about it,

I didn't listen. I didn't. My exact response was fuck you. And now you have a time-traveling concussion skeleton from CTE World visiting the past to watch the game where he was born, I guess.

I feel like that works in canon. I don't even need an explanation. He belongs here. Just if you think about any one thing from their premise, they break it immediately. Or it was an unrelated skeleton. An unrelated skeleton. Who was just like, sit the fuck down

so I can watch the football game. We didn't think this through. They actually cut to some football and like, we're, I want to say three minutes, four minutes into the movie. Like, I would have, of my own volition,

I absolutely would have turned this off by now if I didn't know where it was going. Can you imagine the person I'd be when it happened? Because you make a point that there is no, there is no point, or narration or anything. You're just like, what am I looking at? Is it locker room footage?

Is there some random football footage? Like, there's no story at this point at all. I would think it was like B-roll for some sort of documentary that was being made of them. Like, maybe a behind the scenes of a documentary that had a point. Like, the football stuff is definitely just B-roll. Like, I'm sure

they didn't go out and shoot the ball scenes. No, it's true. But then they don't like segue it, they're just like, we're going to play a game and then stock footage football. It's such a weird intro for what is a very weird project

already. I'm just imagining the world where I turned this off and was like, not for me. Because the very next thing that happens is Mike takes a bad tackle and loses consciousness that we are transported to his concussion world.

Now, see, this is real. Like, I'm not a big football guy, but I have been concussed many times while thinking about Conan. And so this is very authentic to me in my experience. Well, I'm just nostalgic for a time when,

you know, people getting the hit on the head in football matches was like whimsical fantasy and didn't lead us to be like, why are we, you know, why does this keep happening? It's just a funny side of me. Now that you mentioned that it's sort of a theme of this whole video, it's like all the punchlines

are these traumatic, terrible things, like people getting hurt or murdered or concussed with no second thing to make it absurd or funny, just like, hey, isn't it funny that that guy died? All right, now that that punchline landed, keep it moving. Yeah, if you made this today,

I think it would be sucker punch. I think it would be that kind of sucker punch. Jesus. This is probably where he got the idea. But then Mike Babb has to, like, die on the operating table. Which he might have by the end of this movie.

He might have just died there. So he takes a bad tackle and slips off into a concussed dream world that doesn't make a lot of sense. And anyway, we have that sound clip. On to a point of battle! On to a point of battle!

On to a point of battle! On to a point of battle! Huh, it's weird. What is that I'm saying? I think he's saying on to the planet of battle. On to the planet of battle! That's what he's saying.

Planet is a weird way to put it. All right, the real one now. Let's get in the world building. Wake up. Arise, Baffarian, O great warrior. I must send you a journey.

A journey that will test all of your warrior skills. A journey. What is this great journey you seek to send me on, a ruler of the city by the lake Kuliri? Baffarian, I beseech you to take your warrior clan in search

of a great ring. A ring that is only worn by those known as the Masters of the Gridiron. On to a point of battle! How does that keep happening? I didn't even upload that one. That clip is so good at establishing how wrong

the tone is. It's so silly, but they're all taking it really seriously and failing spectacularly at that goal. There's a lot of ways this could have gone wrong, and it kind of did all of them, is what I'm trying to say, I guess.

I didn't put together the first time I watched it. I didn't put together that the ancient druid king of mayor of Cleveland. Oh, is he really? Well, that's the conceit of the story. Oh, no, but it's not like the real life mayor. No, no, not the guy.

That would be funny. You know what? It was. I dare you to check. I dug into this for so long, I have all of the information there is about it. Yeah, it was. Come at it. Awesome.

I like the thing. But there was like a part in the crowd called Babs Barbarians that they would show up to the games and dress up like Vikings or whatever. And so I just like how in this stupid movie, Mike Babs Wife comes up with a better name for them

than like the actual fan group. Like they could have been barbarians, but no, they were the Babs, Babs Barbarians. It's fucking, it's right there the whole time. And he got his identity from a bunch of housewives that made it up for him. He didn't start.

Did those guys like feel bad afterwards? Like they watched this and they're just like, oh, that's much better. It's right there the whole time. We're assholes. The one guy who got overruled was like, I told you guys. But like if his name was,

this could have been so different. His name was like Mike Gremlin or something. And then it'd be like, it'd be a whole Gremlin spoof. No, you have no idea how correct you are, all into time. You found gremlins in your research. Oh, we'll get there.

Oh God. So he's been the druid king of Cleveland has given him his assignment to go find the mysterious ring, which is in possession of the Lord of the League, who I guess,

I'm trying to figure out who that is in terms of his like, concussed interpretation of reality. And it's got to be just some sort of commission ruler. Yeah. Just an NFL owner. It would have to be.

And his concuss brain is interpreting that as an evil wizard who forces strong men to fight each other. I mean, you know, uncomfortably true. Uncomfortably true. Plus one there. The League player relations like Bab

is getting it right in his subconscious. He's working some shit out. It's so funny how they made such good art on accident. Yeah, they really did. My question, like every time I saw stuff I didn't understand, I assumed it was like an in-joke.

Like when we actually see the evil League Lord of the League. I'm like, are we making fun of a specific guy? But hearing your description, I don't think so. I think it's just

random. There is one inside joke that they were so proud of. They tried to pull some trickery and bullshit to get even more credit for it. But that's it. That's the only, that's like the one thing that they had. You know, they're, occasionally the rich guys who own these things get like

parodied, right? You know, Seinfeld and Steinbrenner. This is a very cool parody. Yeah. So, okay, so Casting Tiny Tim is really mean spirited if you're like making fun of somebody. Yeah, that's, that's a hate crime.

He's tasked with assembling his warrior clan to search out for the ring. So he will have to do battle with the Lord's beasts such as bears, rams and falcons, which clearly is them tempting to do a little joke.

But also implies that in this fantasy world he's going to have trouble taking out some falcons, which, uh, I don't know about that one. Falcons can't take a punch. I think it'll be fine. Yeah. If you, if you tackled a falcon, I don't think it'd get back up. Even if you put a little helmet on it,

that would be adorable. In a way like seven pounds, like, I don't like their chances to the fist fight. Can you take these? Yes. Yeah, I'm fine. Just jumping volleyball, spike them right down to the earth. They'd probably be better in a game

of football if they could carry a ball, because good luck catching one. It's a good point. Maybe two of them on a line. I don't think that's been done yet. Ain't no rules about putting a hawk in a football game. The

FFL. We could do this. The falcon football. So Babarian plays a rams horn to summon his mighty warriors. From the plains of past Russian came the huge Golikon, Bob Golik,

Pozmong, Dave Pozzoli, and Hairstone, Carl Hairston. Hairstone's my favorite. It sounds like a really old timey insult. The names and the like the places they come from are the best. That's the cleverest

part of the whole thing. They're having fun. And you can tell it took them, like that's why this took two hours. This is where the two hours were where they were like, I don't know what to call this. They also drew an adorable little map that kind of is

like meant to resemble the Lord of the Rings map. They got a fantasy world map. I would love to have this map, just a copy of this map on my wall. It even looks like it was drawn on a bar napkin. It just looks so childish and lazy. I'm sure

they were drunk on wine. I'm sure it is just a stained wine napkin. What's weird is when they show the planes of past Russia, past Russian, they show the three big men and they're like kind of just slowly killing a shirtless man on the woods. They are just bare-handedly

trying to rip a normal sized man apart. Just in jeans, shirtless in jeans. In jeans. For no reason. What are you guys filming? Why are you doing this? They're all just totally mutely pulling a man apart.

How do they recruit that guy? I need you to lay down here and let these three huge dudes well on. Wait, wait, wait. I just had an idea. Take your shirt off. Pop that shirt off. Let's really get this scene. We'll take it off for you. Oh, man, just the perfect...

But now you know everything you need to know about the characters and that they're just mute killing machines. From the Hills of Linebacca, pause for groans, play Matthews, and Scott Nicholas as Nikolai.

Yeah, almost worse. Almost less barbarian. Did they come up with the names themselves or did she come up with them? They had to have come up with themselves. I will accept. Everyone come up with your barbarian name. I'll tell you why I believe that. It's because next up, from the Village of Receivus,

it's Aussie Newsome as the magical wizard. Okay. I took this. This is world building. I think in this world, sorcerers are not given names. I think that's what they're trying to say. They don't reveal their name. They're true names.

Right. So defensive linemen are sex murderers and linebackers are like woodsmen and then wide receivers are nameless sorcerers. I think that's just what we know so far. So he put too much thought into it whereas Scott Nicholas put

no thought into it. He got the black and white notebook full of ideas. He got the fantasy thing so hard that maybe he lost track of the football part. He's like, I've got stats and all this stuff. I wrote it up.

I believe all of that because when he teleports in, he's the only one with magical powers. He teleports in and he's already in like 10 times the costume of anybody else. That's not saying a ton about his costume. It's just... Aussie Newsome owns a pouch of dice. I believe that.

And that's where they say he is able to deceive men with quickness of foot which he illustrates by jogging at perfectly normal speed while laser sound effects go off. I was mesmerized. Entrict. That's the deceit as you think he's going

so fast. But no baby, that's just the laser sound effects. From the town of Quarta, the javelin thrower Pagallion, Mike Pagall, whips a javelin off screen and there's a scream like, oh no, he killed a man.

But it was never shown what he was throwing at so you assume he's throwing at a man anyway? Yeah, they changed his mind, I guess. Or at least he hit a man, whatever he was throwing at. Yes, he hit a man. But they forgot, that's what we're working with here. They forgot that a joke needs a setup. They were just like, that's a good punchline.

Let's do that. He killed the guy. That's what I'm talking about. He just killed the guy. From the minds of a fensia, comes Fike the Fierce, who is Dan Fike. Remember, let's keep an eye on Dan Fike. Mack Mollis, Kevin Mack and Ernest Beiner as Bind Thor.

Fike, and once they're announced, Fike and Mack Mollis pull out swords. And in the best moment, I guess of anything I've ever seen, Ernest Beiner reaches off camera and comes back with a shotgun. It's really funny.

It's really funny. It's weird that this joke works, right? I was waiting for them to pay that joke off. Right at the end, he's about to fight one last guy. And if that guy came out with his shotgun and blew the bad guy away,

I would have laughed my ass off. You're thinking of Chekhov's gun, but this is Ernest Beiner's gun, which means that it doesn't cater later. He cannot fire. Yeah, yeah. They follow up the Javelin murder joke with, haha, I have a fucking gun joke.

And it somehow works and I loved it. It's because he sells it so well. He doesn't just reach back and come back with a shotgun. He does this pause where he stares blankly at the camera for like 30 seconds and then cocks the shotgun and grins like a maniac

and runs away. It just starts off like, I'm off to mischief with my loaded shotgun. That's how you run with deceit, Ozzy Newsom. Got a last Boy Scout this thing. Haha. And from the Hamlet of Interceptus comes Dixonus,

Hanford Dixon, feared for the viciousness of his attacks and then he takes a bunch of little quick steps towards us, unsheaths a samurai sword and then barks like a Pomeranian. It's crazy. It's crazy that he does.

I forgot about that. I think I made you a clip for that on the sand board. I think you did. And from the backfields of the Hamlet of Interceptus came Dixonus, feared for the viciousness and quickness of his attacks

and they all came forth before that buried to hear of their great journey. Hear me warriors of the clan of Modella. We are about to begin our quest for the ring worn by the masters of the gridiron. Letting the man weak of heart

be gone from us for the journey will be a dangerous one. Must be from the USFL. We are the warrior clan of Modella and we will go forth as one and fight to the death if we must. So first let's cover the tiny bark. We can't let the tiny bark go.

He mouth, he lip syncs that bark. Yes, he does. That brings up so many questions. Did he pick the bark in advance? Right? He has to know what the bark is to lip sync the bark. Is the editor fucking with him?

And if so, how big is his balls? That's an imprediction. I'm going to go with he was like, I want to like do a cool dog bark and like he's picturing like a big deep bark for whatever reason their editor put in a

pabarita. I believe this became a trademark of his like he barked after this but this very after? After this that's what it seems like. He would pull a samurai sword every play after this.

I would argue that dog isn't even really mad. Like it doesn't even sound like a mad dog. It's like you have a ball and you won't quite give it to me. I don't know if it's an intentional joke on their part. It was very funny. It works. What is not very funny and they play off as

unintentional is that bit you here next where I'll set up what happens. So Mike Bab is the barbarian is giving his big speech let any warrior weak of heart be gone from us for the journey will be a dangerous one and then somebody just kind of passes out and falls

over and just walk a walk and another player quips instantly like stepping on the fall must be from the USFL and they all laugh laugh and laugh and that's some real corporate stand up shit. That's like

how is everyone tonight? I'm a little tired. I was up all night spilling popcorn like Clarence Wethers on a flight to Denver. So they would have you believe this was ad libt. They think

they want to say that the man I don't know who it was that falls over legitimately just tripped standing on that hill and the other guy ad libt that line but watch it you can hear it there's no way it happens like instantly crazy ad r and also yeah it's

clearly really bad ad r over the audio so he ad libt ad r later I guess is maybe the implication it's weird that they want like he's a master improv comedian to be the story that comes out of this they're like I found multiple interviews

where everybody's telling us is there a context for that joke oh I think at the time quotation marks around it I think the USFL was poaching NFL players at the time they were trying to become like yeah it must be like another football league

I don't have no idea what the USFL is yeah I think it's just another failed football league like like the world league or the XFL or whatever and it do come back later when they talk about it and say they regret that they just weren't thinking about it very much because it turns out

the USFL was like good for their rights as players ultimately to have like some competition and uh well we regret that we just weren't thinking about it we weren't thinking about it really hard

I mean that's probably true I believe that I absolutely believe that that's why I only watch lingerie football anyway that actually that's the first and only context sensitive

time I will use that clip that's actually what happens random guys on to the planet of battle and everybody runs away it worked whatever he said it's what they wanted to hear everybody gets a line they just look so awesome as shit

they're like all jacked 275 pounders and they're like in this really low effort stuff but like it's really sincere but they're just having so much fun I don't know I love it just jogging with the boys through the Ohio forest

it's like fur boots and horned helmets and axes and I could see how hard it must have been to talk them into that but then afterwards like the 50 players who didn't go must have felt like total assholes like god damn you guys I wish I'd gone to that

that looks like so much god damn fun now they did rent out the estate I think it's called squires castle where they filmed a lot of the where they filmed all of the like in and about the castle scenes but the rest of this is just like national park and forest they did not shut down so it is possible

that you were out hiking and saw the cleveland browns in barbarian gear all running at you in sync screaming on to the planet of battle or gently barking I don't know which one's scarier but you immediately of course

shat yourself and they all that's what happened that's that guy from the start that's the guy they found he's just some guy that they started just started manhandling him let's get this guy this is what they do when they're not supervised now there's this

when tiny tim comes out as the wizard he has a slave girl with him that carries around the super bowl ring and this is gonna sound crazy but I don't think anything up to this point was embarrassing until now as soon as she opens her mouth it just sort of hits you that oh my god

this is humiliating everything about this is so embarrassing and I don't know it's maybe her bad acting maybe it's just adding that female energy to like this hey we're just boys fucking around in the woods type energy but it just like derailed the whole vibe of this this film

for me I think the first derail happens when the lord of the league turns around takes off his hood and it's tiny tim tiny tim yeah right okay he says I'm not gonna do it but he says hi fellas welcome to my nightmare in a way that sounds like he's ironically

welcoming hunks to like a pool party yeah I was just like wait like this is the part where I'm like is this like a bit like is he doing some other like an impression right well all these tops did need to meet a bottom

eventually is how I took it and destroy him that's gonna be a rough party yeah that's gonna be a bad one Dixonus is immediately but just about to cut him when Barbarian stops him and says he has powers beyond those of mortal men only he doesn't we never

see them he never does anything we just don't have the budget for that so they demand the ring and he brings out a small woman I can only describe as a Cleveland 10 she has the ring and Tiny Tim looks at the ring and reads them a short poem about the ring

and about how much he loves football and it's just a wonderful moment oh yeah he rhymes for a while I think I pulled a clip for this we mean to have the ring of the masters of the gridiron great line delivery I'm forth my fairest

and let the clan of modella gaze at the treasure they seek yes my lord, behold the great ring see it's like what are we doing here? when she comes out and says that you're like

okay what the fuck honestly she's the first one who doesn't seem like she's into it their line delivery is bad but at least they're like yeah we're having fun it's so enthusiastic it's like you're playing D&D and everyone's

getting into their role playing and then your friend goes in and's like what are you guys doing? like your mom and you're just like oh you killed it she does have the energy of somebody leaning over like a big sister leaning over your shoulder and reading your D&D script out like

the next line of it here's the great ring, really good really good Tiny Tim fucking nerds but they do sort of save it because the next thing that happens is Tiny Tim demands the Cleveland Browns Barbarians in one wizard have to fight

like a fucking full state park of Cleveland's least fuckable adult karate class I would describe them as Cleveland 10s every single one I don't know what you're talking about well okay our descriptions can stand side by side

at least fuckable on a Cleveland 10 is the only one who doesn't get a 10 is the bear no I think that bear can get it did you see it wrestling Mike Bam? that was a beautiful scene beautiful they look to the forest and you expect the callback to be like okay you're gonna fight like rams

falcons and bears exactly as they said only it's just a bunch of doughy like 1980s karate freaks so good funny like when that scene first pops into frame you're like I can't believe how funny this

thing that I'm looking at I can't believe it's really happening it's the best day of my life only it gets way funnier because they stand off for like a long quiet second and then they enter battle as yacht rock bust into the soundtrack twice as loud

as the rest of the audio it's so fucking great the songs about like secret lovers and finding heroes it's so not about football or wizards it's by a band called the Michael Stanley band it's the songs called hard die the heroes which is why they picked it

thinking sweet hard die the heroes sounds like we don't need another hero or something it's about heroes only the whole song is about how he misses his lover and he's not even gonna try to find another and they got video footage of him that is intercut

with this montage of these just giant angry barbarian men fighting with fucking used car salesman and retired boat painters it's all intercut with the Michael Stanley band and Michael Stanley looks like fucking like Benny Loggins

out there he's just like a Nego Loggins for sure and they're in Stanley is in the empty football stadium God that cracks me up that it's empty like he couldn't draw you could not fill out a crowd

for that so they're just wandering around this empty football stadium intercut it's art it's pure art intercut with all of this I genuinely cannot believe how funny this whole part is like every decision they make makes me laugh now I think you have

let's see if you have a sound clip for this look to the field millions of modella your enemies await you you do hahahaha oh yeah that's like a sound part you

gotta there's a plan of wrestling a man here or fights one he's just a little bit more it's awesome

if there was a just listening to that song like if there was a South Park episode where like Randy Marsh started a band that's the song he's got that nasal I love that you put the whole song on there why would I not

I could have stopped it yeah you didn't how could I that's the entire fight scene this song plays over it it's the most perfectly 80s thing that has ever been but also they kept they keep all of the

the sound of the fights themselves like they're doing choreography really really bad choreography like really deliberate like 20 steps and so you can kind of hear their sticks slapping each other and people kind of grunting and the bear is there

and sometimes it makes noises and all that audio that's just dumped on top of the song it's pure chaos I love it so much okay so what happens in the montage for some reason Tiny Tim's woman turns on him it never even crossed their mind

to explain why that might have happened here's what I think I think we're supposed to infer that she just found out what other men could look like you liked me I think that's what that is you said you were a 10

you said you were a Cleveland 10 you left out all of them all she had ever seen was Tiny Tim and all these adult samurais and she's like who knew that there was a giant barbarian you're right that's exactly what it is out there ruining the curve for all of Cleveland

bumping them down to Cleveland 7s which is the meanest thing I've ever said but again someone brought a real bear here and they just placed among this chaos I would say the maximum amount of chaos like you can't have more chaos than this and someone's just let's unchain the bear

and put it in the hands of a fucking concussed NFL player as Mike slow dances with it like there's no other term for what they're doing I think it's supposed to be wrestling they say it's supposed to be wrestling but paired with this song and that gentle swaying motion

it's clearly supposed to be love and like that it was like okay like all the stuff that we've seen so far would be like okay this is all within reach of your average like sixth grade home movie

except obviously that all the guys are six foot six and two hundred seventy pounds or whatever we all filmed a version of this when we were children for sure but then like they get out to the forest and there's a bear like where did the bear come from the bear is my favorite part

Mike Bab says this later he says uh Tiny Tim was a unique individual which fucking everybody says that you think he was a little weird Tiny Tim was terrified of the bear and would not come down from the top of Squires Castle until the bear was back in his

trailer he thought the bear wanted to eat him sure like however I don't know if that's what makes Tiny Tim unique Mike believe it well Mike Bab thought so because specifically he was wrestling with that bear between takes

just for fun nobody told him to do that they cut in the footage later wait but that's the only footage the bear is in so what was the bear supposed to do it's like chained up behind the battle like in the back of the battle there's a little like there's a tiny piece of wood driven into the ground with like a chain

and the bear is just going fucking nuts as these like karate everybody flips and runs around and screams like they are so close to being mulled by that bear so they they brought a bear out and they were like but we can't actually have it fight right like that's obviously a bad idea and then he just like did it anyway

and then he like undoes the chain the bear has nothing on him in that the bear is totally like free to do whatever at once with Mike Bab and he's just there slow dancing with it like come on down Tiny Tim there'll be a coward man this bear is the best dancer I've ever seen just where did the bear come from

why do they have a bear that's a good question did you find that no of course of all the interviews they sit down and Mike Bab who wrote this fantastic screenplay no one thought to ask why is there a fucking bear among you

where did you get the bear they found it in the forest I think Ernest Beiner brought his own shotgun and bear that's what I think you can finally see the Karate Nerds got to choreograph this scene because they make themselves look like

total bad asses just 90% of this fight is these fucking Dewey Karate men Cleveland 10s everyone just beating the absolute shit out of the browns and it's the least believable thing I've ever seen there's a lot where it's like

when you have two idiots like filming a fight scene they'll just kind of slap weapons against each other and think oh this will look super cool on the film so there's a lot of the fight like that but then there's a ton that's like so many steps like trip stab dodge roll roll counter kick and it sort of sucks but in a really fun way

I don't know I feel like asking the Cleveland Browns to do this should have gotten someone killed but it didn't they fucking did it they're like hey Mike Bab I'm gonna take the stick and swing at you and you'll block then counter block then X block you're like yeah this is a great idea

local Karate man he's gonna just pull you apart like they're gonna say action and he's gonna pull off your arms he's like the bear it's bear rules same thing I did Cleveland Browns with bear rules I did find something about one of the karate men I don't know if you found this did you read anything about Richard fight

yes hold on to that for the entire bonus podcast okay so these the huge man beasts they like barely turn it around against the do we call karate nerds and they prevail in just a toughest battle they've ever had against

against the least opponents they've ever had and then it then it starts getting intercut with some football as if to say this is what football is like for them it's like a battle with tiny karate nerds I get it do you remember gladiator when that came out in theaters

they would advertise that in during NFL games with like they'd show gladiator battle gladiator battle and then they cut it with like a football play and they would like smash back and forth as if like oh oh I get it like football's like modern day gladiators like they were the visual metaphor was really

like driven home and I feel like that's what they're doing here it's like I feel like football nerds will attribute it to other like glorious acts of violence so I get it football's like a loose unplanned melee with karate nerds I understand

and that the bear symbolizes the lions from the arena it's a modern day mauling I get it now not something you want to think about for more than a second again like yes nothing everything breaks the premise if you think about it at all

so don't do that stop doing that tiny Tim senses they're about to win so he flees with the ring and barbarian goes after him I think you have that clip in here I did but look the evil lord he flees

the evil lord the lord is mine fucking ghost in ghoul's ass music you got to picture them back to back when they said that they were like back to back fighting off the last of the samurai's if you didn't immediately assume that I don't know what's wrong with you

let's use you so he pursues them into the castle and they did get permission to film in the castle but did not bring lighting equipment for it so all the rest of this is completely black just completely black and muffled the woman pleads who has not been

why would you name her pleads for tiny Tim to give Bab the ring but he says tiny Tim says there's one more fight the final ultimate battle you won't survive and it's another overweight karate nerd that was disappointing I was like come on

give him a different costume do anything like a football helmet or something they didn't even give him like shoulder pads or something you could have given him anything do you have to get like one player from a rival team and like his football gear

no of course you want me to do what in the woods? no no just now I've been through this before you're not getting me give the karate nerd props he really fucking sells

the Bruce Lee bring it on thing and then they cut to the fight and Babarian just punches him in the face like eight times and then stabs him it's not like played like it's a joke but it's the funniest moment in the movie it's the first time that looks like oh that is what would actually happen

yeah but Tiny Tim betrays him he's like hey you owe me a Superbowl ring for killing all those samurai nerds and one bear and Tiny Tim's like no and I don't know I guess that's the act too

well it finally gives and he finally gives the woman a name do you remember her name uh no it's ring wench I would have got I guess I remember that now that you mentioned it is that her credit

is she credited as ring wench no she's not credited as ring wench because she's not credited that had to have been someone's like niece or something right I don't know there's lots of people's fucking nephews in this and they're credited all of the stunt men are credited

yeah that's true oh shit so Tiny Tim betrays him and bashes Bab over the head knocking him out and sending him back to reality where he wakes up implying there's only one metaphor to pull from this and it's implying that repeated CTE

strands football players between worlds to battle delusions and like that's a little on the nose did they know they were doing that in 1986 well uh I think NFL doctors still use that procedure to this day I think he just hit on the head again

this guy has a concussion he needs to die in the forbidden realm of gridiron to to get cleared for playing everybody get on your barbarian costumes we're gonna have to act it out I kind of want like a modern

day sequel that like plays it completely straight horror now where there's just like well but it doesn't have like giant football men like if you picture sucker punch instead of the girls it's like

giant football men and that would be hilarious that is way better you know fucking greenlit let's do it you know when it could use a bear just a loose bear loose bear and yacht rock we need the yacht rock in there we need to bring back the yacht rock

single handed he rolls only he comes back to reality only he has the ring so was it all a dream don't think about it don't do it don't think about it for a second it all falls apart his friends are like why do you have a ring

we didn't win yet we're still in the game that ring also exists in our dimension and we have to get it from this doesn't work at all man yeah well it's not even the same ring because it says masters of the yeah it's not a superbowl ring the championship ring so we won that instead that's his

consolation prize and then a sweet fucking credit sequence plays as each player appears with their screen with their headshot inside the ring inside the jewel of the ring alongside their fantasy counterpart name that they turn into every time they get a concussion I'm assuming

they all should I think that's how that works these people don't have free time this is 20 celebrity millionaires with wives and families in between like intense training schedules like this is something like 14 year olds find time to make

and even then not with the blind enthusiasm well can't take the longest of one day this is not like a six weeks of shooting well I read it was a two day shoot which is still kind of alive it was only two days but

the second day is just him wrestling the bear just love dancing with the bear all day I guess we gotta keep filming this it's starting to feel like pornography now see they missed so many jokes because the thing to do is like

okay he's back in the real world and he sits up and he's like okay let's get back in the game and then there's the bear is there and he's like and that's where they do the last boys cat scene where they just hand it to the bear and he runs across the field and molts somebody that's when the shotgun comes out

and it all comes together baby anyway I found a USA Today article that says this was a huge success and immediately sold out of all 40,000 copies they made amazing so they were selling it on like DHS

like a mix tape so you could own it forever like yeah you got people willing to do that on this podcast I wouldn't imagine in 1986 yeah you found 40,000 people the season started

they made this the start of the season was going really well for the Browns they made the AFC championship with the Broncos where fucking John Elway destroyed them with a play so famous it has a name like you can just google the drive and it will bring up

this series of plays in the fourth quarter where they ran back 98 yards to tie at the fourth quarter and then one and overtime just fucking completely demolishing and humiliating them which is bad enough that that happened after they made this

embarrassing but wonderful film at the start of it to announce how good they were going to do but Lawless Bob Bab's wife did not tell him what she had been doing just like she hadn't been telling anybody what she had been doing every step of the way

she had been orchestrating a huge distribution deal again behind his back behind the Browns back unbeknownst to anybody it would all be triggered if they won this game if they won the AFC and Mike Bab

says after the first Denver game Lawless is really distraught and I remember telling her oh it's okay we'll get them next year and she tells me we just lost a $250,000 signing bonus and 10% of national and international distribution

that's when I punched the windshield out so negative $400 negative $400 Charity? they're losing that game like the charity guys are like oh

sorry kids I love Lawless so much Steve's weird he's so upset about money that's for somebody else that's what I mean by like I don't think that money's going to charity yeah I think some of it I think maybe the initial run

was flagged for charity and this run was gonna not was just gonna go to them but yeah she's done the little finger thing in the background this whole time just masterminding this plan that would have made them millions of dollars if it all worked out

and who's the guy who's like watched this tape and was like I will distribute this but only if they win the game like that this is my idea and I will put my name on it but only under these good days that's a great point is that there's a fucking

devil's bargain in here I didn't even think about that but who is the it's gotta be the lord of the league it's gotta be the guy that based that on with his evil robe this talks like tiny Tim so many holes in this story so we have to believe that Lawless made this deal happen

no one she didn't tell anyone about it and it was all predicated on them winning the AFC championship something no other film deal has ever hinged on and it's an insane an insane amount of money $250,000 plus 10% of

what international distribution which sounds like someone who doesn't know what that means would call it and he also punched out a windshield yes, an absurd deal and anyway and he punched out a windshield when he heard the news

which I think is unlikely it's but the perfect confusing and unlikely story and next time of course on the 1900 hot dog sport zone we'll be talking about the Cleveland Browns again

who did this same fucking thing two years later with a movie called DT in dog territory it was a sci-fi action movie they made about the Cleveland Browns returning a tiny dog alien to his home planet yes, I'm glad you asked the dog alien

is played by a little person in beagle makeup awesome, play the battle that's weird that's weird that that one came up again when what I was really looking for was wait, no, that's not right either wait

no, it's right it's right baby I'm not even gonna be on the podcast and now I have to go watch it $10,000 accepted right in the twinkling of an eye the demons of hell will come

walk to the falls of your life ah, what you are awesome we'll swim them, they'll turn it off keep it going you're mighty oh there's a rain of protection

the shower oh only there's a peace as I feel the touch of I feel the touch of my master's hand $1,900

frankfurt $1,900 frankfurt our podcast is coming out and with maximum ciao say frankfurt podcast correct the power is not trapped

it's not without send it to the dogs for an hour come on, you can do it $1,900 $1,900 frankfurt $1,900 frankfurt

$1,900 $1,900 $1,900 $1,900 $1,900 there's been too much violence too much pain none here

without sin but I have an honorable compromise just walk away give me your artifacts hot dog supreme's give me your sexy sci-fi show shoots

your horrifying secret comics and the whole untubed sausage compound and I spare your lives just walk away I will give you safe passage in the wasteland just walk away and there will be an end to the horror

three finger louis put down your boomerang and go erin crossed it adrian h moat alpha scientist javo just walk away un-andy is your heat cliff

truly worth dying for just walk away andreas larson you could live you could have children you could eat them just walk away armando nava

badger benjamin sirenin you could pet them all just walk away bim talzer brandon garlock brian sailor brian whitney you would be a champion

in the thunderdome just walk away brocway loves the meat milling burrito mouth seril rev look at this sweet dune buggy rev you can have it just walk away

critsprower curious glare dan b devon the rogue supreme i know a place with all the dog food you can eat just walk away dean castello

donald finney dr. awkward eric spalding my war party is badly in need of gifts do you have a gimp resume just walk away fancy shark

gelahoe greg gunningham hambone harakka harakka's already gone good job harakka see he walked away harvey panqueenie

there are two mannequins over that hill both girls you could make them kiss just walk away hot fart jaber al-aidan jeff oraski john deane your battle wagon is mighty

everyone respects a radio flyer in the wasteland just roll away john hector mcfarlane john minkoff josh fabian joshua graves it would be a shame to destroy that mullet

just walk away just walk away josh s ken paisley if you go i will give you joshua graves' mullet just walk away knm mjahi chavell

mac miserable do you want to be stripped naked and strapped to my war chariot if not just walk away if so just walk away we can work it out and riley max baroy

michael lair michael wells just hop away i am sorry we ate your leg you can still hop away mickey lovin mike styles mojo indy

neil bailey the wasteland needs lovers just walk away neil shafer nick ralston ozzie olin have you seen barter town they have pig races there it's adorable just walk away

patrick hurst reyn vargas ryanin shan chase spotty reception you don't have to die like your father butt naked and upside down in a catapult just walk away

supernaught dead h thomas kavatsos life is precious and the dead they cannot name a just walk away timi lehi tosty god thoms akula thommy

wailin russell we all read your poetry out here everyone we all read it right it's like really good it makes us feel ways about rivers and old broken guitars and stuff just walk away yosarian just walk away

we hate to see you leave but we love to watch you just walk away i await your answer you have a full day to decide you will be safe in the wasteland except for you john macammon you're so fucking dead

john macammon oh my god we've john macammon you're fucked john macammon you can try to walk away it will not work you're so fucking dead