The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 112, The Brothers Barbarian With Katie Goldin

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

Brockway tears open a hole to the Barbarianverse, pulling Seanbaby and guest Katie Goldin into the bodies of two impossible meat golems - The Barbarian Brothers! We're roleplaying the miscellaneous publicity appearances of 1980s bodybuilding twins, the Barbarian Brothers! Can you believe we're the only podcast doing this?!

One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast work. Yeah. Yeah.

When you taste that nitrate power you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on. You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Hot dog.

One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero. Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone nine thousand. The official podcast of one nine hundred hot dog. America's strongest

comedy website. I'm bulky beef cake Robert Brockway and with me is beefy bulk cake Sean baby. Great pleasure. And our guest the absolutely yoked I mean ripped to the gills. No way she's natty.

It's Katie golden. My bones are meat. Fantastic. You're going to be you're going to do so good at this already. Solid muscle. No blood nothing else. No bone no skin all muscle. See that's how you get ultimate gains.

You replace your skeleton with muscles. And then yeah. My eyes are little biceps. You just walk through any space. Before we get started and what do you want to plug today Katie. Well I do have a podcast

called creature feature where I talk about the swallest animals in the world. Exclusively exclusively evolutionary biology of the strongest animals. No it's any animals. It can even be the squishy ones. I also am now the

co-host of the podcast Secretly Incredibly Fascinating with Alec Schmidt and we just got a new home on the Maximum Fun Network. So that is very exciting. I highly recommend you check that out.

It's super exciting. I just I was listening to other Maxfun podcast a little bit ago and I just got my first Secretly Incredibly Fascinating ads. I was like wow yeah. Yeah it's great. I like your ads way better than most ads on that network and maybe it's because I'm biased but

but no. You make everybody else look like crap is what I'm saying. Well thank you. That is our goal exactly. They don't talk about yeast like you and Alex do. That's true. We do talk about yeasts. Who does talk about yeast like them.

Top of the yeast game you guys. Yeah the 30 under 30 yeast talkers except I don't think either of us are under 30 so. It's amazing you cracked that list then and then just dunking on those kids. The problem is nobody under 30

is talking about you. Don't get there though. Don't get there someday. Go up kids. Alright then well. Let me tell you what I'm wearing first. I'm wearing a potato chip bag with two leg holes.

Cowgirl boots and 11 spine berets. That's my barbarian fashion check the first one. Oh it was a barbarian. Oh see I thought it was just your everyday workout outfit. Well that's what we're doing today. We're doing

another Barbarian Brothers podcast and Katie the only thing I asked you to prepare for today was to not know anything about 1980's multi bodybuilding twins. Did you do that? Oh shoot I learned everything about that.

Wait hang on a minute. No I got confused with another thing. I was learning Italian that's what I was doing. No I know nothing about this. They're very close. They both have masculine pronouns and just

you know a lot of problematic history. The Barbarian Brothers kind of talk Italian. Are they Italian or just like really from New Jersey? No that's one of the problematic things. They're not they're not they're from where they're weirdly enough I don't know if this just leaked

into my brain because I lived here or if I moved here to be close to them but they are from where I currently live Hartford Connecticut. And do you run into people that talk like that? No Okay. Talk like they're from Connecticut. No the Barbarian Brothers

are just they're when doing a Barbarian accent I guess is what that's Is the Barbarian accent the same thing as like an American Italian accent? It's pretty close.

It's like an American Italian accent but bigger. A little huger. After being kicked in the head by a donkey. Yes like pure just pure meat like an Italian accent being spoken by a pile of meat. Like if you squeezed Italian

out of two shanks of beef. Right. A bowl of Italian meat shot through a trumpet. Sure. Yeah. There you go. The Barbarian Brothers were I always say I'm gonna keep saying they're wrestlers because they really

showed up in wrestlers but they're not. They were just bodybuilders and they were twins and they were huge and they were goofy and somehow for what to say about three or four years there they became just an absolute cultural icon and then disappeared completely. We've covered their other movies

the Barbarians which was their Conan the Barbarian ripoff Double Trouble which was like a spy thing Twin Sitters which was my favorite and that's kind of a home alone ripoff where they become kind of a kind of a Mr.

Nanny ripoff where they babysit twin boys and then are attacked by evil doers and have to fight them off with a home antics and then Think Big which was their trucker movie and they're just all fantastic.

You'll come to understand the unique logic of them as we go through them because I have turned all of those movies into tabletop role playing games and forced people to role play as our favorite big boys but like I've said

we're all done playing the movies so now that's all that's left is like the bonus features so we're going to play the best Barbarian brothers supplemental material. Finally I get to play in supplemental material.

We found some old voicemails they left Brockway telling him to leave him alone. You're going to play them. We're going to play the voicemail. I feel like that does it does sum up my personality is supplemental. In

found in the appendix in addition to you know whatever you got whatever you got going on. We're already getting so sophisticated that's the smartest thing that's ever been on this podcast right there.

Okay the rules are simple. Me or Mika you're a police emma. The rules are simple. You Katie you're David Paul he's the sensitive and artistic Barbarian. Sean is going to be

Sean is going to be Peter Paul and he's the wild card Barbarian. They're both wild cards. I guess I had no idea only one was supposed to be a wild card they are maniacs. They're both maniacs. I'm going to give you a scenario sometimes both of you but usually one or two of you.

You respond like a Barbarian brother and if you sync up with what actually happened or if you're just Barbarian as fuck you get a Barbarian point. Great so it's okay that I don't know it's okay I don't know anything about David Paul.

Yes it's fantastic that you don't okay because you'll this is about you figuring out what a Barbarian brother would do in an ordinary in well not an ordinary situation in any situation and it's not what you think but you'll get there and you'll learn to understand them

the best way that you can understand a human being which is through Dungeons & Dragons. I guess the one thing I do know about David Paul is he has beautiful hair and better cleavage than I do so already I'm trying to put in this mindset.

Yeah maximum cleavage let's test your Barbarian skills right now can you give us a Barbarian fashion check like what are you as a Barbarian wearing give me three items of clothing three items of clothing ten cans for my shoes

hmm second string but it's just got ravioli as sort of suspended on the string like a candy necklace but ravioli. How does she know about the ravioli?

It's natural. And then to cover my shame I would wear hmm I think maybe a live animal that I've formed a relationship

like a living mink two living minks that are hugging me This is dangerously close to mink sex I'm not going to have sex with the minks that's how you get there

I feel like you already are legally speaking this is already you know you're their home they live on you exactly they're my tenants it's just they're going to be very soft but I'm against killing them

so the thing is like if I care it's sort of like a baby bjorn that the minks are in but a little lower so it covers my business Katie that is absolutely and completely correct on every level you get a barbarian point

we haven't even started yet and you got a barbarian point that is a first fantastic the ride of its life oh I should keep track of these I'm going to keep track of those yourselves if you don't at the end you'll have to make up any number and I will

believe it without question and who wants okay let's get right into it first up is a deleted scene featuring the barbarian brothers from the 1994 Oliver Stone movie natural born killers now imagine

if you will what one would have to do to get cut from natural born killers it's pure indulgent chaos and there's just they left everything in that movie except for this you are playing the Hun brothers

Simon and Norman Hun who are thinly veiled versions of the barbarian brothers which is you actually playing them why are you even thinly veiled versions of yourselves it's unclear from the start you're being interviewed for a documentary on Mickey and Mallory the serial killers

and Katie you're up first where are you guys where does this interview take place so this is in the movie natural born killers yes is it in a meat facility that is so close

that is so close that you get a barbarian point it's in a gym in your home that's where you die yeah that's how you translate a gym into Italian that's exactly correct exactly that is just called meat making facility but the meat is yours

and the interviewer wants to know what you think about serial killers wait is it still my turn or is it it's still your turn as David Paul the sensitive and artistic barbarian what do you think about unrepentant murders

I think they should have had a better childhood I know I'm sorry you admire them you respect them sure okay Sean okay you're up now Peter what do you admire about murders

well a human face makes a great shoulder pauldron and there's no way to get one like the doctor or the morgue so you sometimes need to go kill to get your own fashion it's all about fashion you got kind of a Seinfeld thing going in that barbarian

I didn't want to do an offensive Italian voice oh now the Katie's on you won't do the voices huh I see what it is that kind of respect I have for our guests in fact you answered they's mesmerizing they hypnotize it and you will

that's not you don't I can't believe Oliver Stone cut that you don't flood the line because you will say it several more times and every time you call it hypnotizing it's great it's adorable so he thinks serial killers are hypnotizing they's mesmerizing they hypnotizing

is what you admire about them and the camera pans out to reveal something shocking you can both guess what is it we've been dismembered I'd say we've been extramembered in a way you're both right you can both have a barbarian point yes you've each lost

both of your legs you have had both of your legs removed Katie how did you lose your legs I lost my legs to crocodile on a boat he was on the boat too I was on the boat we were both on the boat

and there wasn't enough meat for me and the crocodile and I wanted a crocodile to live his name was Jimmy so I gave him my legs that's a perfectly barbarian answer it's not correct but you get a point they were in fact chainsawed off

by Juliette Lewis that was gonna be my second one alright let's do a natural born killer's barbarian fashion check Katie, David, what are you wearing well I am wearing a headband that has

a little bit of spikes on it I am wearing a tank top but my nipples are showing and under that very very very very very very very short shorts

that is amazingly correct that's like movie authentic that's definitely had they have worn that at some point so you get a barbarian point for that you're wearing cut-off shorts completely right

you're totally shirtless which isn't always the case so your instincts were good you have a single jade amulet as though you're under a magic curse you're wearing a black maybe you're wearing a black rubber belt

but not where a belt goes and a purple towel alright Sean, what are you wearing a vest made of Dwayne the Rock Johnson Valentine cards the bed sheets of a forsaken child Kleenex boxes on my feet

well they were on my feet when they were attached now they are bloody rectangles on the other side of the room you lost your tissue sneakers that's terrible Julia at Lewistroom all the way across the room now you're wearing cut-off

cut-off khakis a child's first sports bra so you'll get a point there I think that's close enough a single wrist warmer a New Mexico flea market bracelet and a matching but slightly different jade amulet as though you're under a different kind of curse

you also have a purple towel and your Bolton wheelchairs when we put our jade amulets together do they fit? they absolutely fit they transform into one much huger man oh do you have way half the impulse control

it's like one of... are we sort of like a man-man centaur where one of us is on the bottom and our feet is the... sorry our hands are the other person's feet and then one of us is on the top and their hands are the hands oh of course that's absolutely

I'd like it if our waists were like glued together so that we could swim so we could do cartwheels if the other one wanted to do the talking as the head yeah exactly it's a cat-dog situation but it's a man-man man-man is his name that's what people call him

this situation requires a delicate touch dual cartwheels so I'm the head and you're the crotch okay yes that's exactly what happens of course Katie how do you feel about your legs being stolen I think it only makes me stronger because it's less

meat overall so I can focus on the meat I got and not the meat I want my god see I told you by playing this game you would understand this person and you completely do that's almost word for word correct

I'm not even going to read you the real quote because that's so close that's what he that's genuinely what he answers get a barbarian point wow Sean you also have complicated feelings about this maiming can you explain them as best your huge mouth can I'm just happy to be a part of such

a hypnotizing near serial killing I like to be a part of most of a serial killing it's just a real honor you don't get a point because it's far crazier than that Peter says it's like this

two people are standing in a dark room waiting for the other to attack these two people can't see each other yet they know they're there now they can either stand in that dark room forever waiting to die aboard them or one of them can

make the first move it's beautiful so Mickey and Mallory made the first move is what he said and that's why they respect them because they thought to murder the data thought to cut their legs off first yes I that's what he is implying is that

every single human being is in a dark room with another human being and if you don't chain saw their legs off first you're going to get your legs chain sawed off yeah shame on you is the philosophy alright let's flash back to the moment you got your legs chain sawed off I'm shocked that Oliver Stone cut

this it's just that was okay so you're you're relaxing in your own home you're in your pajamas give me a flashback barbarian comfy clothes fashion check Sean what are you wearing working TV

VCR sweater playing drug free PSAs the bottom half of a police tape mummy costume gloves for socks I'm sorry I said your your pajamas your comfort clothes you're of course in just

a striped strone man's leotard okay and you're getting your legs chainsawed off how do you react so I would say with bad acting with really bad acting and a dodgy Italian accent oh oh my legs

yes that's all true you can get a barbarian point for that in fact it is the walrus noise oh fuck I should have just known that now okay we have to pause and tell you that periodically a barbarian brother will

a walrus noise we don't know the significance of it she knew the second you send her that jpeg it goes it goes a little like this her her only with that audio clip or did you just fucking make that

sound with your mouth I just fucking make that sound listen to it enough times that I can do it it's unknown why they do this sometimes it's in pain sometimes it's in celebration I think I know yeah you know in your heart

once they used it to escape a noose walrus sex sorry that is absolutely the noise they make when they come you didn't even need to say it we all know that you are now the villains of the week on a night writer episode

it's a villainist barbarian fashion check Sean what's Peter's villain outfit okay I gotta be a villain car key chain mail all black car keys uh bunless jean shorts black jean shorts

one high heel one sensible flat fantastic what you're it's actually a little chiller than that what you're what you're wearing is a peach tank top and gray sweatpants with stripes but here's the thing the sweatpants are pulled up to your ribs and the tank top is tucked in and somehow the sweatpants

are also tucked in like paratrooper style I don't even know I have no idea what that is Katie what's David wearing David has high pony tail very high pony also

black eyeliner also oversized tweety bird t-shirt and nothing else I like that a lot you get a barbarian point for that you're wearing the exact same thing but palette swapped like you're the player two version in a video game

which I think you are I think that's what's happening here thank you Billy and Jimmy Sean Peter is abducting a young woman she screams let go of me you anthropod and your quip is well thank you I just got it

done that's so get a barbarian point for that that's so close thank you your actual quip is up and call worth things thank you I think Katie you are helping your villainous master drug a woman

and she summons you away by saying ready boys I smell rain in the air tonight you'll sleep inside the implication being you are her dogs how do you respond to this well this dog's bark is at least as good as his bite if not

better or worse that's pretty good walrus sound I think it sounds like a dog but that's what it's going for but it's walrus no in total silence you put one fist in your palm kung fu style and bow

somebody cast the barbarians as like silent warrior monks no they cast them as themselves this is just what he does it's like improv when they right before they walk away he thought that was appropriate for the situation perfect choice okay we cut to later you're guarding the villains compound

kit pulls up and david haselhoff electrifies the fence around the compound with a battery from kit then sets off the alarm interrupting what you two were doing what were you two doing I gotta say I mean it was worth really deep into the podcast and we haven't kissed yet

I think we were kissing I actually agree with that yes you both get a point for that you're not kissing but to be clear these are these are actual twins and Katie they did kiss in two of their movies

on the mouth on the mouth no they made out like they find ways to make it work at the story though yeah it's necessary it's tasteful and classy for the story okay I say you're right because what you're doing is working out like almost touching

each other right next to each other in total silence and I think that's kind of like kissing to you guys yeah it seems very intimate it's called a it's called a gains hug you're gains hugging yes give me that brother pump well less filthy than it sounds

more beautiful you hear the alarm go off and you jog just with great difficulty to the close circuit system you examine the monitors and Peter what do you think about this what's going on hey it looks like David Hasselhoff's

really electrifying the scene out there good use of the pun you get a barbarian point for the pun however you say it's probably a squirrel I check it out I'll go I'm on squirrel duty again you run out there like you're going to chase a squirrel off

I think I should bring my squirrel hunting equipment which is a small piece of cheese and a cardboard box of course yeah the loony tune style so you're bigly jogging out there like every step hurts

both you and the ground and you see David Hasselhoff he waves to you and jumps over the fence what do you do I run straight through that fence yeah you get a point for that that's really close you charge the fence and grab it with both hands

as if you're going to rip it off the hinges even though you're on the inside so you have the process to open it I don't know it's electrified so now you're being electrocuted I just ran up and grabbed an electric fence yes you did David Hasselhoff says

good morning rather electrifying hey don't you think that was really good Michael Knight you get a point because my next was I was going to ask for your response and then I was going to say

no you say because you're being electrocuted but you already got there you already got there Katie you're David you run out next you see your brother grasping the fence with both hands every muscle seized up

elaborately mime twitching making noises like he's being electrocuted while David Hasselhoff stands there and grins we're getting in on this brother pump brother what do you do I go to embrace him

and I too start to be electrocuted that is a very important point that's exactly right you see your brother clearly being electrocuted by a man on the other side of the fence who you know is a villain to you you run up to him first you carefully examine him for what seems like a full minute

then you ask is that that new break dance and stuff and you try to do it like it's a break dance for a little bit and then you grab him like you're going to just hug him and you are now being electrocuted Hasselhoff this is the interrogation scene Hasselhoff wants to know where you put the girl

what do you guys answer oh Jesus I've been on this fence for so long I think I answer what's a girl and then just foam the rest of my organs out of my mouth Katie what do you answer she's under under the desk that's part you get a point for that

that's exactly where they keep her no you both answer oh because you're still being electrocuted you can't talk Hasselhoff Hasselhoff calls you both a name before knocking you unconscious what does he call you night night muffin top and

dingus muffin top and dingus that's pretty good which one's muffin top this is your David's mother yeah you're right you get a point just racking up the points

yeah you're right he calls you both electric muscle necks electric muscle necks is the he distinctly looks on you and says electric muscle necks now I've heard about that I've heard about electric muscle necks yeah

yeah they're sweet in the nation it's a plague it's a disaster what happened was that there was a splinter group of the Miami sound machine and they went off to work with David Hasselhoff and they called themselves the electric muscle necks and he hated them he's like he didn't like

having to drop their name in this episode he's like I don't think it works in the script they're like come on fuck I put the name of the band in the show I'm a night writer it's perfect publicity for us maybe if we recruit some muscle necks and electrify them I guess and that's how we call them Barbarian brothers we call them Gloria Stephon

they're like yeah watch a night writer tonight bitch that's right David Hasselhoff said our name I don't know why but you get a barbarian point for that I apologize to Gloria Stephon who is a a lovely woman

can you guess where you go next what is your next appearance in the same movie no no no we're done with it we're done with night writer you've been knocked out and called electric muscle necks you have been destroyed I hope it's like I hope it's a

like a stage production for like a like a I don't know like an infomercial type of thing I want to say like a telethon I want to be a part of a telethon Japanese telethon

I'm gonna say one of the blades one of the blade movies yeah one of the blade that would be good you're on the Regis Philbin show in the early 1980s this is this is free barbarian fame

so give me a prototype barbarian fashion check and I'm gonna make it easy on you you're both doing this one you're doing the palette swap thing again so you're both wearing the same outfit and you can both take turns adding an item Sean go first

green condom Terry cloth shorts but the side has a little cut out very good Sean diaper hat also good Katie a shirt but

it is mostly not shirt there are two squares cut out for the abs and also a square cut out for the belly button I think that's actually something they wear at one point you both get points for that that's great

what you're this is gonna take some doing what you're wearing I can only describe as pastel muscle cloaks you got rolled up headbands like your sushi chefs Chuck Norris blue jeans stretchy workout pants

and cowboy boots socks now when I say cowboy boots socks you're going to think socks with cowboy boots on them or socks that look like cowboy boots they're cowboy boots that are also somehow socks Sean Regis is about to ask you a question

but something interrupts you what is it something interrupts me while he's asking the question Africanized bees that's pretty cool you get a point for that it's a loose dog on the side of Regis film it goes to you but then it goes immediately

after Regis because he's holding meat why is he holding meat is this still to me yes because I got distracted by the dog during rehearsals and Regis thought if he held some meat it would hold my attention he was wrong

he doesn't know anything about meat I can't give you a barbarian point for that you will understand it a little bit why he's holding meat because a cooking segment is up next and I guess he has to hold the meat the whole show part of the job

that's why he's the best he can host, he can meat hold you were telling a story what you were doing is telling a story before the wild dogs that roamed the Regis show interrupted you tell me that story we got started

looking at meat four to five minutes ago Regis when we came on your show and saw you holding meat and ever since that day I've been wanting to eat that meat gentlemen I will tell you to get to that meat that's really close

you get that barbarian point back here's the story you tell after a wild dog interrupts you what you go is what I was saying was if you're in the gym and you're there with your girlfriend and some guy comes in there and he slaps her in the face

are you going to look down at the end of the dumbbell row with like a 10 pound dumbbell or are you not going to think you're going to react to this situation with pick up the 200 pound dumbbell that's there and throw it in the guy's face and uh

he's asking Regis the questions turn the tables Regis asked him a question this was the answer Regis says yeah you're a barbarian but he's not done Peter is not done he continues to say in normal day every day like you think first and you react second

and that's what we say human beings don't do the reason there's so much prejudice in the world and stuff is because they react first instead of meeting the person the first time thinking about them and then coming to conclusions but when they go in the gym they do the opposite

they think about the weight first and they react to it second so he is stretched so he's like an idiot I guess and he's saying this idiocy is really if you think about it a great way to solve problems like lifting and racism yes that's

that's his story that's what he said you gotta really stretch the metaphor but it works it works alright Katie the whole time Peter's talking something is distracting you what is it I'm gonna say

it's my own pants like I keep adjusting them a little bit and then I kind of adjust them again and I stand up and then I readjust and I just keep readjusting I'm sorry I can't give you the point the answer was right there Sean already had it

it's the raw steak Regis is holding you can't take your eyes off of it you've been watching it the whole time like following everywhere it goes with your eyes Regis is completely stunned by this insane story about racism and lifting and he says has this been your philosophy

your whole life and how do you answer that I just came up with it Regis I never honestly thought you say no we only been out here three years never gave anything a thought before three years ago Regis

we thought about this alright Regis has feats of strength for you to perform he has a phone book and a hot water bottle what do you do with them I eat the hot water bottle I eat the phone book I'm going to say

it's a hot water bottle I pour that directly in my eyes and then I rip the phone book apart but not with my arms but with my legs with my feet you can both get a point because that's what

should have happened but what you actually do is toss them off screen refusing because it's beneath your dignity nobody nobody could have expected that that's for Jesus bodybuilders not maniac bodybuilders Regis

absolutely harangues you mocks every part of you your philosophy your motto your outfits he hates this so much what do you do to this little goblin biting your ankles cower I'm not going to come on Regis's show and fucking alpha dog him

I curl up in a little ball and take his abuse this is the whole reason I'm this big is child and insecurity you think I got over that you think fucking lifting fixed that no I'm just that little boy that got screamed out by my step dad you're wrong but you do get

me I pick up a chair I kind of squeeze the chair and frustration and then I put the chair back down but not gently I put that chair down rough pretty close what you do is you lift Regis

and carry him off screen and God knows what you do to him but they cut to commercial and he's a lot nicer when you get back when you come back you have changed into your weightlifting clothes because those weren't your weightlifting clothes from earlier you have a weight bench

set up and here's where you're going to perform your feats of strength what do you do I benched I benched my bro I benched my brother my brother's getting benched I'm still a little teary-eyed from my outburst earlier he's crying in a little ball

he's crying in a little ball and his tears drip on my face and I bench him and I say it's alright I got you you're my weight who's my little weight I think that actually happens in a Barbarian brother movie so you do both get points for that I think they actually did that at some point they don't do that

here what they do is they warm up sensibly taking their time with small unimpressive lifts and working their way up to decent lifts again there's no way you could have predicted that and I'm not going to punish you for it it's impossible it's terrible

they couldn't have warmed up during commercial they were beating up Regis Philbin they were beating up Regis Philbin and it wasn't enough of a warm up Regis fucking hates this every second of this he'd kill you for it if he could they can't so they let you do this

Katie David how do you respond to his negativity rip a nipple off just rip one of his little nipples off it's like small too he's got one of those little ones where it seems a little too small but I take it

I'd take a grape and just pluck it right off that's I can't give you a point because what you do is even more of a power move you turn to him and say this is what I was saying when they called me but I wanted to run your show because you guys are incapable of doing it

you're not doing a good job holy shit this is a disaster they were invited on when they invited the bodybuilders on the lift weights they said can we run the show let's let us produce the show they're like no just lift some weights

like no we're going to tank your whole show and then that'll be our sales pitch for why we should run who's behind the camera who's behind that camera that should be me I should be on that camera everyone here should be barbarian

brother we can multiply is that a boom? give me that boom it's madness you're doing your lifts you're getting up to impressive weights but the entire time you're complaining about the work ethic of the Regis Philbin show

what does that sound like Katie? you guys think you are in here with your little khakis and your little polos and you never once you never once think

why don't I just get up why don't I just stand up right now just stand up but no you sit down behind your little desk with your little mug full of a little bit of water but you don't stand up yeah you fucking teller bro

that's remarkably close remarkably close you can get a barbarian point for that what you actually say is if everyone's like us and just went 100% for one goal the fastest way to get anywhere is a straight line and if you have to go get your weights

go get your clothes you have to go you have to go out with your girlfriend you go do this, you go do that you never finish that thought because there never was a finish but you're still not done it just turns into a different thought Sean you can continue this your next ramble is about

parenthood and garbage and remember you're lifting powerful weights the whole time okay parenthood and garbage let me think about what I know as a barbarian about parenthood and garbage I've got it 14 seconds of vulra sound barbarian point for that because it should be

you continue to say that's why when I have a kid ladies and gentlemen what you do is put your energy into your son no matter what he wants to do if he wants to be a garbage man fine but that kid is going to be the best damned garbage man in one week he'll lift up more garbage than another

garbage man in a month if he does it like that he's great he's great at what he does and he's happy and that's fine he's going to be the Harvard of garbage interesting philosophy that they're coming up with on the fly while lifting powerful weights it's wonderful you do have a big finale planned

I'm going to ask you what it is but I'm going to give you hints and you will revise your answer as each hint is revealed so your first hint is the brothers say we've been training a girl for the last six months I crawl inside a woman

and burst her from the inside with one message for me it's a baby but for an adult woman and she goes in there that's wonderful

points to each of you the next revision you clarify she's 120 pounds okay she's between two slices of bread she's curled around a bar

like she would be a weight on one end alright two more points you're getting it you go on to say she's gorgeous and then the other one says yeah gorgeous hmm

oh no I think we're going to make love to this woman together Regis you got to see the shit look at my brothers face when we do this I pull out a chair but it's got a spike in the middle of it somehow

Shawn gets the point and you don't don't ask me to explain you always take it too far Katie the next line is I believe it's Peter that says she's a mulatto she's half black and half white no

I feel like that was already offensive whenever this Regis film and show I have a I do wear put on a hat that's got a chair on it but there's no spike on it okay

like a like a circus act okay that's perfect it's like a baseball hat with a chair attached to it oh so she could sit on it so she could sit on it but it's attached to my head

I'm going to go a different direction I feel like this is sort of a Prince Sheila E thing this is a musician we've discovered and we're like you got to see her she's 120 pounds she's of mixed race because this is how you would describe

the next big act this is how we would discuss everyone he's ever found right your next takes her shirt off and throws her in a fucking lake your next your next hint and she's going to pose

for us oh we get out I get out a little beret it's too small for my head and I get out an easel and then I get out a paintbrush really big paintbrush

so it's very heavy lifting art it's perfect I get out a a big bottle of moisturizing lotion make it very clear what I'm about to do but I'm making a big show of it it's not lewd yet it's just like oh get ready for this we're really gonna

okay you can both have a point for that no it's the dog the dog comes back out turns out you brought a loose dog to the Regis Philbin show for this bit give me a dog barbarian fashion check dog has a mohawk

dog has a mohawk castle lego dog shirt space lego dog panties this is great you can both have a point for it but I'm sorry he's wearing your outfit so you're all in matching with your outfit and what do you do with the dog

toss him throw him just as far as I can just see the back of that crowd someone throwing 120 pound mulatto dog overhanded yeah no you guide the dog through

a series of bodybuilding poses oh my god this is so fucking weird the dog hates it but you continue doing it Regis tries to get it out but you have one final word to end the segment what is it? punch to Regis Philbin's face

my final word is and that's that's dog's got it's bone today that dog that dog got it's bone today no I'm sorry no points awarded

your last word is actually fur fur you are now on a Japanese variety show I know holy shit give me some barbarians in Japan fashion checks Sean you're up first

okay I'm in Japan so I'm gonna be wearing the smallest American army camouflage they make sections 8 and 9 of a Chinese dragon and the tangled debris of a fence I ran through I think that's frequently an accessory

what you're actually wearing is a tie dyed sweater that has been attacked by six dogs white linen slacks but somehow sweatpants but somehow also cut off to be shorts a black fanny pack rainbow socks tucked into untied

hiking boots Katie go ahead go ahead a bright red speedo but over the crotch is plastic lion's head my shoes are combat boots but they have

also a lot of stars on them that are bright and I think they have LEDs in them well if LEDs didn't exist at this point they are at least glow in the dark shirt is very short long sleeved Henley shirt

but it's cut off right below my nipples and on my head is a normal news boy hat that is played so that's so accurate

to their persona you can both have a point a great effort what you're actually wearing is a very large man's everything his Japanese carpenter's pants tucked into his athletic socks his stretch tank top his torn rebox and definitely

all held up by his black karate belt all right you're surrounded by Japanese celebrities you do not speak any Japanese and no translator has been provided or you threw him out a window

he's just not there and nobody understands anything what's the first thing you do I say very very slowly and haltingly koni chawa sumimasen for my brother now what's the Japanese

word for mulatto dog no I'm sorry you lift the host against his will you don't understand what he's saying to you so you just lift him they bring out a weight set for you with extreme difficulty

it looks like several people are hurting themselves do you guys help them no I stare at them now I watch their struggle that's exactly correct you watch and laugh at their struggle finally it becomes apparent they simply cannot

get the bar up to the rack it will never happen so you do help them but only after many hernias have been made you're ready to performatively lift weights again so you inform the tiny men you have the world record on this lift

how do they respond confused nodding pretty close it's a shrug they don't speak English Sean Peter has a special way of lifting what is it pelvic

it is actually very pelvic you do get a point for that you also reverse your grip so you can body build goofy style whoa you don't explain why you do this but you do

now Katie David has a very special way of supporting his brother while he lifts weights what is that I get behind him and I squat real low and kind of clap my hands near his butt come on

I just keep saying that that's so close you get a point for that after every lift you say up and at the end you very gently say strong okay to both of you Japanese crowd is eating it up they do they actually love it

the both of you do it you lift weights performatively everyone claps for you what do you do I also clap that's fucking correct Katie God you understand the barbarian brothers you join in clapping for yourselves you're proud it's great

now Katie this will go to you since Sean has possibly already seen this this whole time you've been on the show a very strange man has been watching you silently not participating in any way who is he and what's strange about him he's strange

because he's Bono I would love that so much you get a point for a better idea well maybe not a better idea

he's strange because he's Richard Keele the man who played Jaws in the Bond movie you get a point for a better idea well maybe not a better idea but the man who played Jaws in the Bond movies he's fucking eight feet tall he looks like an ogre

he's here for I guess moral support he's been here the whole time without saying a word just silently watching you lift weights and mauling the hosts he will reach over and grab one of the hosts and just shake him shake him around when he gets bored to celebrate your successful lip

you do an inspirational rap give me the best lyric from that rap okay uh uh when you're made out of meat and you grew up without hugs don't uh

take to the street and uh get lost in drugs that's great and very authentic I'm not trying to be funny I feel like that's really close to what the words must have been it's pretty close

the best lyric that I think from that rap you must work real hard and never say no Rome wasn't built in a day it went real slow okay does Richard Keele join in the rap? he does but kind of as a background beatboxer

that's exactly correct of course he does but he's in the background and there's a part where you go think big and the voice goes no doubt about it and Richard Keele does the very deep voice that answers and it's uh

he's just not some random guy on the stage he was there to do this he was there to do that he was in very very briefly he was a villain from one of the movies that they're here to promote but he doesn't have any other part in this performance other than to go

no doubt about it that they flew him to Japan so he could stand in the background no doubt about it fantastic uh David, Katie you add one accessory to your outfit during this performance, what is it?

mmm it's a big chain on the end of the chain is a cast iron dog you get a barbarian point the real answer is just blues brothers sunglasses just tasteful

you flip on a pair of blues brothers sunglasses it's a cool thing to do uh Sean, do you uh do you kidnap a small Japanese man and force him to dance in your show? well the way you ask that, I feel like the answer is yes yes, the answer is yes

the wild card answer is double yes double yes, yes you do you grab one of the variety guests standing to the side and you do wrestle him physically over as he tries to get away from him bodily by like shaking his body around to dance with you

it's gotta be so hard being on a show knowing your role is to just be a giant meat monster and like, because I feel like under most circumstances you wouldn't just grab a man and shake him around but here it feels like like expected, like if you didn't do that it'd be like well what am I even here for? I'm gonna just grab a random

person and they make it look easy and that's how good they are how does the wrap end to both of you? that is exactly correct you both get a point Katie you can just coast off the point

but yes, it's walrus noise I'm glad that was your immediate reaction alright your final scenario you guys had a music video what's the song called and what's it about? got it, like literally could be anything song is called discipline

and it's also about discipline I think that's on the album somewhere you get a barbarian point for that show them what's your guess I'm gonna say it's about a mulatto dog we accidentally tore in half

we'll miss you you get a point because maybe that is what it's about the song is called I'm a wild one only you misspell it in the official video it's about being a wild one yeah

you do use a prominent sample as the backbeat throughout the whole song what is it? ice ice baby we built this city no I'm sorry no points it's monkey screeching monkey screeching forms the backbone of this song

species what species of monkey I don't know you don't have to listen to the entire song yourself is it a howling monkey or like a deep monkey I think it's just like a screeching monkey

it's a screech it's probably a chimpanzee it's definitely a screech yeah sure we'll go with chimp it's a screeching chimp because you're a wild one you want to perform this in the wilderness where is the wilderness to you? it's gotta be a jersey shore

park I was gonna say a park pretty close you both get a point visible like public restrooms maybe a landfill yeah that's pretty close you both get a point it's an unadorned dirt lot in the california hills

it's just like a dirt pull off that they're clearly about to build something on that's what you think of when you think of the wilderness give me a barbarian fashion check katie hmm well we're wild ones

I think I'm wearing rags for pants just rags a shirt is a sort of like one of those safari park kind of shirts

like Steve Irwin would wear but it's cut off and the sleeves are just shredded for a hat it is a snake I love the the wilderness vibes you get a point for getting the vibe right

what you're actually wearing is a silk scarf for a headband mongolian riding pants and moccasins one hand cuff earring you've permed your hair one half of your face is painted like a blue leopard you're wearing a shredded beach towel over a hooded sweatshirt

and occasionally a live monkey yeah barbarian fashion check a tourniquet on each limb guitar pasties what am I covering my shame with golden lion tamarin alright pretty good

again you've got the wildlife motif correct you'll get a barbarian point for that you're wearing a bright orange harry krishna robe you also have a silk scarf for a headband and also the mongolian riding pants and moccasins one half of your face is painted like a tiger you have an elaborate ceremonial dagger

but not for display you spend the whole video thrashing it wildly you've got the other hand cuff earring unseen enemies of Peter barbarian brother you've got the other hand cuff earring and also occasionally a live monkey

share it like the earrings, like the pants there's a steel cage and somebody dancing seductively in it while somebody else walks around inspecting them erotically who's in the cage Richard Keele and who's inspecting Katie

I think it's me inspecting the cage and it's Sean's twin in the cage and that and Richard Keele are all great answers you can have two more barbarian points David, you're correct

is in the cage dancing seductively while a beautiful woman walks around poking at him like you'd think it'd be reversed or played for laughs no, David just didn't understand why the woman would get the erotic spotlight when he could do a better job and he was right, he was absolutely right there's another sample

entering the riot that is this song what is it the last one was the screaming monkey I'm going to say a fist entering a bowl of cottage cheese I'm going to say a cuckaburra no, I'm sorry

it's god damn it, it's always walrus noise it's pure audio chaos if there's already a monkey on set you're bringing in another animal what's that animal you can get it you can get it

Richard Keele in a bear suit an endangered tiger you both get points if you combine those two things you'll get the actual answer it's a bear, it's a bear on a chain that is purely decorative in fact, let me check

it's made out of your earrings is there a trainer guiding it no, of course there's not trainers are for quitters more animals on set more animals on set raccoons, foxes, the bear is still here what does the bear do

eats one of the raccoons you would think no, it joins the rap it joins the rap just like Richard Keele there's a shot where you both lean into the mic to harmonize with the bear more for the entourage John, give me a couple

how about a sorcerer just like an old Wysand maybe a vampire sorcerer sort of a garbage can droid that rolls around on skates I wouldn't mind just like a flurry of

man-shaped crows you get a barbarian point for that what actually happens is a bikini lady a little person and multiple children join in how does this rap end it's not walrus noise just

the monkey I throw it as hard as I can you get a barbarian point for that this barbarian is fuck John, how does this rap end we discover we've been rapping on quicksand this entire time and we all go under together

and give a terminator two thumbs up no, I'm sorry it's a clip of you guys from barbarians the one where you're holding a severed werewolf head and barking at it mockingly of course, I remember and there's only one way

to end this podcast I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I