The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 113, Standing Strong Forever with Dan McQuade

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

Seanbaby brings Brockway and Dan McQuade to the drawing room to solve the podcast mystery once and for all. What the fuck are we talking about? It's Mannequin! The 1987 masterpiece about a mannequin and the man who bones it.

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killed by chatbot. I'm enduring web favorite Sean baby. And I'm here with my co-host third runner up for Bobby magazine's beard history month hunk. Robert Brockway. Coming for the number one spot. Here is a relevant Brockway fact. I once worked at a department store

where my job was tasting things that weren't food. No follow up question. Damn it. We are joined today by sports writer and defector editor Dan McQuade. Welcome to the show. Hey, thanks so much for having me. It's a pleasure.

Now, for people who don't know much about defector, can you give our our listeners? It's a very it's a very rare modern Internet success story. So I want people to know. Yeah. You know, I tell people I'm not, you know, I'm a journalist. I like to tell the truth. I did not think this was going to work when we started it.

We started in. I think we announced it in like July or August of 2020. We all used to work at a sports blog that I won't name. That is a, you know, probably the most famous sports blog there. There is. And we were in a dispute with management. They were, we had new ownership. It was some private equity doofuses and they, they were,

you know, trying to ruin the site. And I think violating our union contract, you know, that sounds familiar. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you know, I mean, this has been in like most places I've worked has violated my, my contract, maybe not most several. And, and they, we like pulled a little stunt and they fired the editor-in-chief.

And so we all quit. And that was at the very end of October, 2019. I was pretty confident I could pick up a bunch of freelance work right away. And I did. And I think a lot of other people did too. And then COVID hit and freelance budgets disappeared. And so we decided to start our own site. It's a worker co-op, which is really cool.

I own like five point something percent of it. And we've done really well. You know, we have about 40,000 subscribers. You know, one thing that's great about the site is we sort of are allowed to talk about our own, you know, like work on things that are, we are interested in ourselves. One of our writers, Kelsey McKnee, she started a podcast called, Normal Gossip last year. And it was like a huge hit.

Like if you look at top podcast of 2021, it was like number one or number two in like every list. And not just that it was on less, it, you know, it's a really good show. And so I'm really hopeful we can continue to create sort of more interesting content. And yeah, it's the most stable job I've ever had in my life, which is great. And I run our merchandise store, which has been really fun to, you know, I'm a writer by trade, but I've had a pirate copy of Photoshop since I was in like, you know, fifth or sixth grade. And yeah, I hope Adobe isn't listening. I have a legal one now.

So we're all good. And it is probably the best $10 I spend every month is on Adobe. That's, I think that's the most money or the most worth I get out of my money of any subscription. Oh, absolutely. I do. And you get like, like I have like their fonts and like their stock photos, you know, and it's the DLC it is. Got all the Adobe DLC of the DLC Adobe Creative Suite.

He's got that pay to win shit. I actually, I followed David Roth there, who I think is one of the great Trump writers, I guess. Now he's a great Elon Musk writer and a George Santos writer. He has a way of kind of maintaining this really level headed contempt for that right wing stupidity and hate that like we kind of rationalize as a as an instinct. And he just through the whole Trump era just maintained this like, no, this guy's fucking stupid at anyone who can't see that's fucking stupid. And that was like the tone of just 5000 words every day. And just it made me so happy that he could maintain that like just anger just that burning like this fucking guy is shitting on our world and you're watching him. I don't know.

Yeah, he is my direct editor. So I work with David, you know, I talk with David every day. He's like a great writer. He's also a really good editor. I believe he pushes my like me in the right direction when I'm doing stories. I can actually plug one that I will be out by the time this podcast runs. So I recently went to the John Bon Jovi rest stop on the New Jersey's Garden State. Congratulations.

The sexiest rest stop. It could be the cheese quake rest stop, but they've they've announced like in 2021 they're like renaming all the rest stops on the Garden State Parkway after like famous New Jersey. How are the casual hand shops at the John Bon Jovi rest stop. You know, pretty good. You know, I haven't gotten one every time but you know, occasionally they're not quite as good as the Celia Cruz rest stop down the road. Tony Morrison is at the very bottom of the of the Parkway now. I don't put my mouth on anything at the Tony Morrison rest stop. I'm just saying that rest stop has been turned into basically the flagship location currently of the New Jersey Hall of Fame, which is so appropriate.

So so they are currently building like a real Hall of Fame hilariously. It's at the American Dream Mall. I don't know if you know anything about the mall. It's like at the Meadowlands. It's like cursed a helicopter, like a decorative helicopter fell on people at the mall like a few days ago. The last story I read they have like $80 in the bank and they're just like constantly negotiating with their creditors. I love it. But it's it's like brand new.

That's the thing. It opened in 2020. And so but anyway, but so at the rest stop, it seems like the premise of the New Jersey Hall of Fame is like New Jersey has a lot of famous people and they all want you to follow your dreams. And there are like just pictures of famous New Jersey people and they're they're like, you know, up on the wall next to each other in no rhyme or reason like Gloria Gaynor is next to Albert Einstein. Dick Vitale, the college basketball announcer is next to Walt Whitman. And all that seems appropriate. You say that like it's ridiculous, but that sounds that's exactly what I would put them. So what's interesting about the quotes is, you know, they're sort of that typical like pithy inspirational quote thing where like, it's some sort of boring saying, but because a famous person said it, it's supposed to be, you know, like, I don't know.

You got attributed to somebody. Why not? I tell. Well, so the quote that Walt Whitman is given is be curious, not judgmental. And that is a quote actually from Ted Lasso. Ted Lasso says it as a quote from Walt Whitman in the show. But Walt Whitman did not did not say this. It actually originally comes from an advice column in a 1986 Charlotte newspaper that was about like a mother who had written in saying that she had found birth control pills in her daughter's bed.

Okay. Ted Lasso is often written to be kind of like the way I read the characters. He's an idiot like he doesn't have a shit together, but he's pretending to have a shit together. So that was intentionally wrong by the writer of Ted Lasso, right? I'm not entirely sure. It is a quote that is passed around. You know, it's on all those quote websites is something Walt Whitman said. Okay.

He did not say it. And there's there's like a couple of those there where it's like, oh, this is on all the quote sites, but I can't really find a citation for this of some of the other famous people. But there's one quote that's incredible and I couldn't find it anywhere. And it is from Ed Harris, who grew up in, uh, in North Jersey. And the quote is acting is like scoring a touchdown. That's the whole thing. That's the whole quote. That's the whole quote.

Acting is like scoring a touchdown. No second thing. Harris out. Any direction you want it works. Yeah. So I spent a lot of time like thinking about it, just trying to figure out like, what could this mean? And like, sort of the most reasonable answer I came up with is like, Oh, acting is like such a great profession that like every day is like scoring a touchdown. The only other guess I came up with was like, acting is like scoring a touchdown.

OJ Simpson has done both. You know, like that that's like works. Yeah. And so I contacted, uh, Ed Harris is publicist and she was very nice to ask him about my silly question. And it turns out that he gave a quote somewhere. I'm not entirely sure. I think maybe to the New Jersey Hall of Fame where he talked about how, you know, he had played football for his high school in Bergen County. And he was like, you know, like once I saw my football career was over, well, like I saw like a great actor in a play.

And, you know, I thought, oh, maybe they'll applaud for me after acting like they used to applaud when I scored. Which feeds my insecurity. Hi, I'm Ed Harris. And somehow they, they like shorten that to acting is like scoring a touchdown. This does happen sometime. There's that Martin Luther King mural in or a monument in Washington DC that had the quote on it when it opened that was like, I was a drum major for truth, justice and righteousness. And like the quote is actually like Martin Luther King saying like, you know, some people have called me just a drum major. Call me a drum major, you know, call me a drum major for truth.

You know, like it's like one of those great, you know, speeches of him. I did a really bad Martin Luther King impression there, but that's probably better. It's probably better to not do the voice to sound like them. So they just sort of condensed it into like a nonsensical quote. So this does happen sometimes. I don't think I've ever seen one as funny as this. It is fantastic. It's a real legacy media move to actually call us publicists like my instinct would be to make fun of it and nothing else.

And you're like, I'm going to I'm going to call a real person with a phone and get to the bottom of it, like with journalism. Yeah, you know, I mean, I mean, I listened to this podcast and I've been reading, you know, both of you guys work for a while. What I really like about both of you guys work is that you do research things, you know, like lots of comedy on the internet, wherever that exists anymore, not on the web, but somewhere. It's just sort of like nonsense, you know, like it may be nonsense. It may be funny, but like you you you have always like research things, you know, really well. I think, you know, whether it was like old Nintendo power letters or, you know, or, you know, the film mannequin. And so I like had to call up because I was like, I had no I could not fathom what this could possibly mean. You know, if you search the quote on Google, the only result is like a dude replying to me on Twitter when I first posted about the wall Whitman quote being like,

I was there to acting is like scoring a touchdown. Ed Harris's publicist has now asked the New Jersey Hall of Fame to remove. This is the most New Jersey story. I may have ruined like Governor Phil Murphy's electoral chances. You're an enemy of the state Jersey Hall of Fame. But yeah, you know, I've done some other accidental things in my career in New Jersey now. I just like to picture Ed Harris like after every movie, like just being like, hey, hey, you guys see in the abyss touchdown. Touchdown.

Like in the football like some way. He just grabs a boom mic and throws it into the floor. If you subscribe to defector media, you can read that story. If you don't subscribe, you can I think you get a couple for for free. I don't I don't hit the paywall. But you know, I've been told you get some fantastic plug. Yeah, that was what a journey for a plug. I forgot we were even plugging anything like I was listening to some episodes and like like Lydia plug the book and

whoever you had during the Cleveland Browns episode plug the book. So that was totally the time and place to plug. I'm just saying I there was such an odyssey we went on that I forgot it was a plug like four different times in there. I needed to do something special since I didn't have anything, you know, we went to a dying mall and avoided a helicopter. We found out the backstory of Ed Harris. It was amazing. Nobody's ever going to plug. So the the the John Bon Jovi rest stop has like a gold record and like his guitar or something.

And what's amazing is that it actually was a great idea. Like when I sat there writing this, you know, when I was there, I've been there several times now to like investigate it. And because that's the type of journalist I am, people are always stopping and like taking photos of the Bon Jovi stuff, taking photos of the quotes, like standing next to his gold record and getting like their, you know, their husband to take a photo. It's like it worked. I just wish they had used like real quotes. But there's another thing there about a there's a quote from Plato Aristotle and Socrates. Yeah, Plato wrote medicine, famous, famous New Jersey residents.

And they it's like it's it's a quote about like a term that isn't isn't their work, but like is is not it's said that it's a quote said by them in 2500 BC, which is not when any of them live. Great start. The the like summary of the of the the concept is right, but it's like a quote that the New Jersey Hall of Fame made up. I talked to a professor of ancient history. And he gave me the lowdown on this and was like, actually, it's really great. Like New Jersey is a town that is a state that like invents its own mythologies and loves like Courtney kitchen crops. So these fake quotes are like perfect for for the state. And I really do think he's correct.

Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Before we do anything else, I would like our listeners to stop right now. And I fucking dare you to picture what this podcast is about. Oh, that's a good idea. Oh, right it in. I want to see I want to see your guesses. I want to see what you think based on so far.

What are we careful not to title this in a way that will give it away. Yeah, we did. We did mention what we're talking about twice, but it was so offhand. No, we've given you clues like somebody could get it. I want to see if anybody does. I'll put together a prize for you. Nobody hold me to that. I'm completely lying.

But do it anyway. I will give you if you are successful in guessing what this podcast is about. I will send you a defector t-shirt from the defector store. Another plug is defector store.com. There you go. Official official contest. That's a pro. What a fucking plug.

Never seen anything like it. I like that you also went to a history professor and you're like, you got a debunked things. I found written on a wall at John Bon Jovi rest stop. And he's like, Fuck yeah. I don't have my life for this. I don't have a training for this.

It's hard because you got to find somebody who will like play along a bit. Yeah, for sure. Like sometimes I've gone to academics for, you know, really silly stories and they're basically like, you know, like stop wasting my fucking time. I'll tell you, sir. But fortunately, there are lots of academics. You got to find the ones that party for the John Bon Jovi story. We do not impune Ed Harris at this institution.

You know what we're talking about today. 1987's mannequin. You guessed it. You got it. It was the hit film written by the dream team of Michael Gottlieb and Ed Rogoff. Who worked together to write a list of huge movies like mannequin to mannequin on the move. Hulk Hogan's Mr. Nanny. I'm done listening.

The logical progression. I mean, once you leave mannequin, where else is there to go but Mr. Nanny? So Michael Gottlieb was also the director and he also directed Mr. Nanny. And his other film was a kid in King Arthur's court. Another classic. Another classic little league kid thrown in the King Arthur's court classic concept. He directed only one other movie. It's called The Shrimp on the Barbie, which was a Cheech Marin movie where he Alan Smithied himself.

I mean, he took his name off of it. It's a movie where a wealthy woman, the main human woman from mannequin, hires Cheech to pretend to be her boyfriend to make her father like her real boyfriend, who's the bad guy from Commando, more by comparison. That's a bad idea. But here's what happens. He teaches her stuffy country club how to party. That's a good idea.

So that's the legacy of Michael Gottlieb after this movie, which is completely awesome. And I guess now let's talk about mannequin. That's literally all the mannequin facts I brought. I think Dan brought more. I did. So I listened to, I'd previously listened to the How Did This Get Made podcast. It's like Paul Scheer and June Dan Raphael and Rafi from the league. And they did mannequin two on the move.

And Paul Scheer shared that he read an interview with the, he found an interview with the director and he said basically like, well, we only thought about if it made sense for about 25 seconds. And then we just moved on. It's very clear that that is how this movie was. Now there was a reason we did that in the 80s, but I can't say what it was. If only you could put it into your nose. Way to just get it into your blood.

25 seconds. That's the best idea I've ever heard. 25 seconds is way too long. We gotta move on. Now I think, I think mannequin is one of the most truly insane movies. And I did a cracked article on it pretty recently. I was in last six or seven years. And the hook I had in it was how every character that wasn't Andrew McCarthy got their life destroyed,

which I thought was a good way to frame sort of a listicle type thing. Because the way they hit and run with concepts in this is just like, fuck him. Here's a guy. We destroy his life. He's out of the movie. And they, that's basically every secondary character. And I guess that's pretty normal for an 80s movie to just sort of not care about others and,

and, you know, But I feel like even the good guys were like, Yes. Nobody made it out of that movie clean. Right. But I guess let's, let's go through the movie and we'll talk about things as they happen. You're not going to believe this, but the film about a mannequin that comes to life starts in ancient Egypt.

And though it doesn't give us the exact date at first. It says a really long time ago that it adds right before lunch, which is a great way to set the comedy tone. Just like real, real silly grandpa level of joke construction is my point. If they had said 2,500 BC, like the New Jersey Red Stop, it, it actually would have been pretty accurate, I think. Just pick a nice round number. No, that I love it because it's my thesis statement,

which is that you didn't have to know shit about shit before the internet. You could just say stuff and nobody was going to ever check. You could just, yeah, whatever. And she needs it. Who gives a shit? Let's go. And we are so on board because we've already like seen the poster or picked up the VHS box. We're like, yeah, the mannequin comes to life.

Like I'm fully on board of this concept. If you try to explain it with some rules, you're only going to fuck it up. Like, I guess it's like if you started gremlins with like a flashback to an ancient man wishing upon a star to become something strange, but definitely not a gremlin. Like what if I could play baseball really well? And then also in addition to that, one of those baseballs was picked up by a gremlin. Just this real loose linking between two fantastic supernatural ideas. Well, they explain their entire premise and all of the rules, my favorite way,

which is an animated series of antics over the theme song, just masterfully done. Yeah. Well, she's a muse. Yeah, but like also a cat monster? That was weird. Cat monster? Where did the cat monster come from? Because I don't, I don't get, the cat monster was never referenced before or since,

but she is a time traveling inspirational cat monster in this animated series of shorts. And she is responsible for every great piece of art. And then also the discovery that the world is round. Right. Yeah, she was involved with Christopher Columbus. They set her up as like she's a priest here. Artist, artist, artist, Christopher Columbus. Famous slaver and murderer.

Well, I think what's interesting is, you know, so like the opening is, you know, she's in ancient Egypt and they say like Ed Fu, Egypt, like, oh, thank you for giving me the city. Like, I would have gone way out of this movie if you had it. And it's, it's like Phyllis Diller is her mom in the opening and they actually like, she gets her, it's like, she gets her, her name at the start of the credit. So that had to have been like, I'm not, I will only do this, like, if you put me before the credit. It's not quite name above the title, but it's something. Yeah.

I don't think even at the time Kim Cattrell and Andrew McCarthy were bigger stars than Phyllis Diller. Got to get that Diller energy that this movie is going to take. So then she like, she, she, you know, I guess, you know, we have the animated scene, which I guess sort of tells you things. And then later she says like, oh, she dated Michelangelo and Christopher Columbus. And like those, those people aren't contemporaries, but they're pretty close. And then the next we know she's in 1987 Philadelphia. Like, yeah, I guess this movie would be worse if it explained the rules.

Like there are way more rules in mannequin two, which actually doesn't feature any mannequins oddly enough. But, but like, there are lots of rules in mannequin two and it's like a significantly worse film. Right. And it's like they hint at the rules because she, she begs the gods for sort of an unspecified thing. She says, I want, I want interesting things to happen to me. And then she vanishes. Like the gods are like, oh, we got this cat monster force gumping through time. Sometimes you're a mannequin.

Most times you're not. When you're a mannequin, you turn into a human when no one's looking except for one guy, the guy who makes you as a, as a, not a mannequin sculptor, but a, you know what, let's just. This is one of my favorite parts. Okay. So she jumps ahead to 1987 Philadelphia. And she jumps ahead and we open on 1987 Philadelphia with, with him working as a mannequin sculptor. Now sculptor, I know that he says he's a sculptor because he says this took me like three or four days or weeks or whatever to make this to sculpt this mannequin by hand because that's how they assumed mannequins were made without

checking into it at all. And then he's like, three or four weeks, you got to do this in three or four days or three or four hours. And like, no, it's you're not hiring speed sculptors to make women out of, that's not how any of it works, but you never had to look it up. Yeah. Well, my take on this was that, because all of the arms and legs are just like dangling around in, in piles. And so I thought this was a place that assembled mannequins from pre-made parts because they also didn't show any sculpting. I honestly think he spent six days applying makeup to this nude human torso he found in a crate. That's that's that was my read on it.

I think he's supposed to be a sculptor because they didn't look it up because they made assumptions. Right. They were like, how do you think they make mannequins? They probably ain't sculpt them every single one. This may not be a surprise, but I have interviewed the woman who made the mannequins for this movie. In preparation for this podcast. No, for a story I did. Because you've been training your whole life for this podcast and didn't realize it.

I can get into my personal history with this movie later. Let's let's save the embarrassing stuff for later. But so the movie, the woman who sculpted the mannequins for the movie is Tanya Wolf Rager. And she is great. She is like a really good, you know, just just sculptor. And she, you know, she she called herself serious as a heart attack sculptor. I'm looking at my story now. She said that she cranked out a mannequin every two weeks.

So this place was like a sweatshop. I guess if they if like Jonathan taken a day or two to do it was enough to get him fired. You're right. Because he only sort of like assembles the mannequin. We sort of say he sculpted it, but we don't see him do it. Well, he has the torso and he's applied the makeup and he's like already fallen in love with her. And then he just grabs the torso and like sticks it on a few different legs. And he's like, OK, these are the legs.

And he just grabs some random arms like, OK, these are the arms. It's the torso that takes forever. You got to get those. You got to get the right titties. You got to get the right face. Yeah. And then the rest is whatever. It's just like real life.

He picked Kim Cottrell. 10 out of 10 choice. If you're listening, Kim. 1987's Kim Cottrell. So yeah, I think we all agree the movie's already off the fucking rails. Like the premise is insane. The plot has some errors. And so he's fired.

And now we do a montage of Andrew McCarthy going through all of the jobs he gets after he's fired from the magical job that conjured an Egyptian, I guess. She's a muse. She's a muse. Right. She's a muse. She's like a living monster. Yeah. Yeah.

She eats his brain at the end of this. We all know that. I was thinking this was this movie is a lot like Xanadu in that like a muse comes down and helps someone in business. Right. That's like, at least this one is kind of our artistic. Xanadu is like, he's like, I want to be an artist and then they open a club. But, you know, but, but like, it is very strange that like he, like he wants to be an artist and he ends up vice president of a department store. Careful what you fucking wish for.

This is ironic. Jeannie rules in 1987. That feels like high art. When just like, it does like a fancy way to do capitalism is like, yeah, that's a form of art of the highest form of art. I really like one of the first jobs he gets is a birthday balloon folder. And there's a kid there named Super Kid. And he's like, I want your big balloon. It's this giant balloon that has his company's name on it.

And he's like, all right, fuck it, kid. And he gives the balloon to the kid and he starts to float into the sky. He grabs him by the ankles and the dad says, hey, biscuit brain, get your hands off my kid. And Andrew McCarthy makes a great acting choice to demonstrate he knows what this means. He's like, well, I'm going to do what he says, but the kid will die. He lets he's like, oh, fuck it. He told me let go. Let's the kid go.

He's like 70 feet high before they leave that scene. Like Super Kid. There's no way he lived through this dead. The tragic ballad of Super Kid died to died to Andrew McCarthy. Yeah. He's an actual balloon boy. Yeah. So far the film has, uh, I guess let's let's take stock.

Uh, the, the filmmakers said we are crazy. We make a lot of mistakes. We kill children. And that's like what we know about them. And, uh, he now gets fired as a topiarist cause he's too slow. And then it fired as a pizza assembler because he's too slow. Like, They really only had like two ideas there.

Yeah. Like, Yeah. He just loves heart any kind of media as long as it's slow. It's pizza. Yeah. I just think it's very interesting that the two men who wrote Hulk Hogan's Mr. Nanny don't seem to understand art.

It doesn't make any sense to me. Real artists just do what we do, but really slowly. Like if we, if we did this really slow, which we can't, for again, reasons we can't talk about, we would be much better artists. And, uh, They do another thing. I love, uh, feels like an 80s thing to me where, uh, the guys partner, they paid each other and she like knows stuff.

He reveals his secrets to her in strange ways. So she's like, Hey, you're ready for dinner. And he's like, how about we just get a hot dog and she's like, Oh, you lost your job again. Like she's, she took that suggestion and like understood like his failures. And, uh, so she basically was like, I hate you cause you never have a job. Uh, terrible, terrible girlfriends of the 80s.

Right. But the whole decade when we hated girlfriends. But, uh, he has his, his motorcycle breaks down. He's having a real rough days walking at home in the rain. He sees the mannequin in the window and runs right up to it. It starts talking like, like, so he's, he doesn't know she's magic yet. And he's already talking to her. He might literally, literally be crazy.

I think a safe take on this movie is that it's all a hallucination by this troubled person. I see. He says that in the text. Uh, so keep that in mind. They don't reveal that. And I guess the sequel sort of throws a monkey wrench in that, but, um, There's no way we can factor a sequel also into the mannequin, the MCU,

the mannequin universe here. Like this is enough. This is enough to go off of. God, I would love it. I would love it if eccentric billionaire just threw $200 million at a mannequin universe, just a full one, two, three of mannequin. As you'll, as you'll probably learn by what things I'll say about myself and mannequin later in this podcast.

Like, I think I deserve the rights to it. Someone should just like give me the rights and I'll become a filmmaker and remake this movie. God, I'd be so good. Like a recent, recently an idiot bought Twitter for $44 billion. Do you have any idea how many mannequins that would buy? It's possible. I can't wait for that movie.

A movie where you just impulse wise. Twitter. Fuck it. Anything's possible these days. A billionaire might buy mannequin just out of spite. You don't know. So we're trying to, trying to speed run this plot because there's so much that happens before we even get to the movie promised us by the poster.

So the next day, Andrew McCarthy shoves a still getty out of the way. She runs a giant department store. A sign was going to fall on her while he's swinging through the air on the sign, like Looney Tunes style. Being electrocuted in the asshole. Also being electrocuted in the asshole. He's like, she's like, can I do anything to help you? He's like, well, I could use a job, man.

She was like, okay, cool. What do you do? He's like, I don't care. Anyway, she puts him in touch with James Spader, who right away smells mannequin pervert on this guy. Cause he's like, what do I do? Absolutely. He's like, I want to do something with mannequins.

And James Spader is like, you're going to the mail room because that's a mannequin pervert shit. We're not putting you anywhere near it. We know that. See, this is okay. I want to pause at this point because this is one of a few large statements that mannequin, the movie makes about the world, whatever weird dimension this takes place in, totally accepting mannequin magic from this movie.

It's the weirdest fucking place because this is, this is a thing. Like he goes into this store and immediately everybody that catches him in any like risque situation with mannequin, everybody knows what's happening immediately. They're like, oh, you're a mannequin fucker, huh? Another one of those. No, no, no. Don't explain.

I know enough about mannequin fuckers. I don't want to hear it. It's fine. It's like, it's like a guy with a foot fetish at a shoe store. They're just like, yeah, it makes sense that you're here and that you're doing this terrible thing and I just don't want to know about it. So like every, this is a thing in the world. You have to accept as part of the world that this takes place in.

Yeah. Everybody fucks mannequins. Everybody knows that. Like it's so weird that the movie does not get much if any comedy out of like him trying to hide the mannequin. The mannequin turns into a woman if you haven't figured that out, only in his presence. And like there's not, I thought, you know, there like should be scenes where he has to like, you know, sort of hide her or hide that he's with her or whatever.

But instead he just like walks into the like women's room with her and then like all the associates are like, oh, he's in there fucking the mannequin again. It's an accepted part of reality in this world. But the part of this world is like every, yeah, we have to deal with this. Every department store has like a system of laws and inspections to prevent public mannequin fucking. And he's violating those is the only problem we have. Do you remember the film duets?

Dan, have you seen duets? I'm aware of it. Okay. So that's like a movie where someone sat down to said, I'm going to write a karaoke movie. And I feel like this might be a movie. They don't know anything about karaoke, I guess. I'm glad we're getting into this because I think this whole movie is the duet syndrome where they invent a world that does not exist.

And they just, it's the craziest thing that they assume. They're like, let's make a movie about the people who fuck mannequins. And the other guy's like, well, hell yeah, let's put this Mr. Nanny script on hold. And imagine that world. And then they wrote for people who fuck mannequins. However, there's two, there's two points. They do that in this movie. One is that everybody fucks mannequins and this is a known thing.

And we're just going to work around it. Two is that professional window dresser is not only a profession that one person has. It's a profession that many people have. It's the sole thing they do. The world is completely crazy for it. Yes. At one point in the movie, they have the frontline, the headline of a newspaper, the front page is just about the window dressing of a story.

And they're like reporting on it. They're rival window dressers. He's head haunted as being the chief window dresser. They assume that the high stakes world of window dressing, much like over the top is just like, yeah, you know how there's obviously a black market underground arm wrestling competition in all trucking? You know that. Let's make a movie about that thing we made up. I want people to know that.

A window dresser doesn't exist. And it's like part of somebody's job for sure. But it's not a career. I looked up the news clippings from when this movie came out. And because this movie was filmed in Philadelphia, Philadelphia is a town without celebrities. You know, we have like news anchors and then like me, like I get recognized on the street sometimes. So like that's how few celebrities Philadelphia has. So there were like a lot of more.

Yeah, yeah, there's a decent amount. A lot of. So there are a lot of stories in the local papers about this, even though like all the local papers, you know, we're like, this was a terrible movie. But so the store that it filmed in was Wanamakers, which is since it's now a Macy's, you know, it got bought in in in the 90s, I believe. And so they, they say so they asked like a Wanamaker executive, like, could like, let me just read the article by Robin Pally in the Philadelphia Daily News. Okay. Could grand window displays really turn a store around? And then here's the quote from the exact.

Not alone, though, visual merchandising is key to the retail business. So, so the answer is no. No. But, but I, when I was talking to this movie about my mom once, she was like, oh yeah, when we were kids, we used to go downtown to see the Wanamakers window. Like there used to be like five department stores on Market Street in Philly. And she was like, yeah, we used to go down to see the window displays every winter. And the, the what's now Macy still holds like a light show the same one from like the 60s. Every Christmas, like in it's like in that grand big hall that they're that they're sometimes like dancing in.

So it's like mannequin just like turned it up like. Yeah, they saw that and they assumed like, well, we got to do a movie about the cutthroat world behind this. And then they just made everyone to be very clear that for us, the viewers and Andrew McCarthy and his mannequin. This is a film about a mannequin that comes to life for every other character in the movie. This is a race to get the greatest window dresser in Philadelphia to work for them. Like that's the A plot for every other character. I guess George Bailey is trying to kill. And of course, the B plot is mannequin fucking.

The article also says like, here's a quote from from Jeffrey Comet want to make her president. You have to buy mechanical things that will adapt to different displays and motors that can drive more than one application to produce them all all the time. Like in the movie would be prohibitively expensive. Yeah. And yet in the universe of this film, I believe the number is is that they say it takes away 87% of the business from others. It's the only reason anybody shops is based on like the window display. Like I'm not going to that fucking loser's store. Put some fruit in a window like pounding on the windows and excitement.

It is like so funny how much there's a sense of Philadelphia love these windows. There's a woman who is frantically sketching it like she's in a like a gallery sitting in front of a grandmaster work. She's just like, I got I got to get these tennis racket arrangements down the beauty of this. I fucking love it. My notes say here we're only 16 minutes into the movie because I made a note of the first time Roxy gets sexually harassed who is Andrew McCarthy's girlfriend in the film. Her co worker motorboats are at work and she places off like, hey, come on, buddy. Like, I got to get back to work. I can't be, you know, there's a lot of direct sexual assaults with no come up.

It's with no punchline. The punchline, I guess, is is this works and women love it? Is the eventual payoff? That's the sort of the theme of most 80s movies is just persistence and sex crime will eventually get you the woman of your dreams. Two minutes after that, Andrew McCarthy bursts in on a real woman in a dressing room. So that's two sex crimes in two minutes. It's just what I had in my notes. He does.

I got a set of pace here. He does find his mannequin there in the store and Hollywood catches him falling in love with a mannequin. So we should introduce Hollywood. This is I can't believe we haven't talked about Hollywood yet because yeah. Okay, can I, before we talk about Hollywood, I have a request and I know it's not going to be granted. Can you not do the voice? Oh, God, that's going to be really hard not to do the Hollywood voice because Hollywood introduces himself with a squeal and then he screams Hollywood. And I knew your answer was going to know.

I'll do my best. But I mean, it's hard. I'm glad you mentioned it, to be honest, because there's no chance I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't said it. But if you do the voice, I may need to leave the podcast for fear of everyone unsubscribing from. That's true. 87% of readers will unsubscribe because of Hollywood. Yeah, so this is Meshack Taylor from Designing Women. He's no longer with us, but a great actor and not not a gay man.

We should make it clear. Yeah, he kind of plays the same. He plays like a 10,000% version of his Designing Women character right now. The much more 80s version where they were like, this is the only kind of gay person that exists. We all know that. I want to just go on the record and say that his performance is captivating and mesmerizing. He steals every scene he's in and I love Hollywood. That's part of this movie for sure.

I mean, his wardrobe is great. But yeah, he steals it even from his own wardrobe. The first time I wrote about this movie and it has been, we'll get to more about me. I feel like I'm like previewing it. Eventually I'll. I've been hyped for this revelation. The first time I wrote about this, I got emails from older gay people who were like, oh, this is such an iconic movie for us.

We love Hollywood. And I guess there were just very few flamboyant gays in movies at the time that this, I think you wrote in your cracked article, he combined the gay stereotype, the writer's news, new and nothing else. Right. But also, I mean, you got to appreciate what it was is that this character was the gay stereotype character was in all sorts of movies as the comic relief, which he is here too. But they always found a way to dance around it.

They'd be like, oh, he's so quirky or I don't think he's playing for our team or something like that. This is the first eighties movie. I can remember where they were said this, this is specifically is a man who dates other men. Yes. He's going to talk about it. He's going to reference having sex with other men. And to that credit, Andrew McCarthy is fully accepting. He's not like Ugros.

He's like, I'm talking about this. Like I'm talking about a normal thing with a normal friend. Yeah. And one of the other characters, George Bailey, the security guard says something homophobic and Andrew McCarthy calls him a bigot. So in the text of the movie, it's like this guy's a wild flamboyant gay man and that's super cool and his thing. And we accept that.

We still weren't doing that until like late nineties. There were movies that were hesitant about that. So yeah, I see it. I see it as like plus. I'm saying this movie is written by maniacs and very stupid, but holds up like, you know, it's very progressive part. Yeah. I mean, this is six years before the movie Philadelphia.

Like this movie should like how like Misha Taylor should have won the best supporting actor. This is the real Philadelphia right here. God, can you imagine Philadelphia with two Hollywoods? God, that'd be a fucking good movie. We're starting to get the second picture slated for our split. Taylor. Oh, fuck that'd be good.

It's green deep fake. Like if we put him if we put like him in all of the M night Shyamalan movies, I think it would improve like most of them. He could go to the beach where you get old, but it makes you old and like like Palm Springs old man gay. Oh, God, I'd be really precious. One of the one of the pairs of sunglasses he wears are like the pair of sunglasses that they gave out at Pizza Hut in the late in the late eighties.

They were they absolutely were. Yeah, it's like one like circle and one like triangle. Yeah. God, it was so great. Checkerboard wing coming off the side. Yeah. He's dressed like a gay trapper keeper. Wait, hold on.

I need no need. You need to let me explain that he's he's not. I'm not saying he's dressed like a gay child's trapper keeper. I'm saying the trapper keeper itself is gay and choosing to express itself in this way. I just want to line it better. I went online and looked it's totally cool to call someone a gay trapper keeper. Okay. Yeah, I checked for you.

It was meant in a positive way. I can't think of a higher compliment. There's no way anyone would think we mean any of this in a negative way. We clearly love Hollywood. He gets introduced to us. Well, Andrew McCarthy is like, you know, falling in love with a mannequin. And I just I made a point in my notes of keeping track. Who knows at this point.

And so right now this in the film, three people suspect Andrew McCarthy of being a mannequin pervert. And that's James Spader, the guy who watched him fall in love with a mannequin as he made it. And then Misha Taylor, who just straight up caught him with his own eyes. He clocks him immediately. He clocks him immediately as a mannequin. That's the first time I sat up and was like, wait, that exists in this world. Like he's so ready for it. That has to be something he not only has experienced, but is just sick to fucking death of as like a window dresser.

Like he comes into work every day and has to just chase perverts away from his workstation. Stop fucking my mannequins, everybody. So this is also the scene where she comes to life for the first time. But I only remember it from this. I have a clip of Hollywood's introduction. Listen, I got to go. Okay. I promised my girlfriend that I was going to take her out tonight.

Okay. What happened? What did I say? Albert left me that bitch. He said my thighs are too fat. My thighs are too fat to you. You didn't look. Hollywood, I don't know about men's thighs.

They look fine to me. They really, they really do. They really do. Thank you. Albert called me, sir, your light city. Maybe he's right. Maybe I should have my hips lit. God, he just takes this scene away.

Because, yeah. Oh, diets are no use. It's those jelly donuts. They call to me in the middle of the night. Hollywood. Hollywood, come and get me Hollywood. I can't stay away from them. It's like you and women's dressing room.

No, no, no. That was a misunderstanding. It wasn't, though. Have your friends ever been vacuumed out? I heard those doctors in Beverly Hills. Vacuumed out. They just open you up and suck those fat cells out of there. It sounds nice.

I wonder if there's any way you could do it yourself, like with a vacuum cleaner or something. I think he's working class. I've been off work for an hour now. There's just no telling what he's gotten himself into. Hey, hey, take it easy. Okay, go on. Just come home.

Poor Andrew McCarthy just being fucking steamrolled. Yeah, he came to work that day. He had to sit down after this and be like, oh, what am I going to do? Oh, damn it. What am I going to do with my life? He's the principal star. He's just...

Nobody's going to remember a goddamn thing about me after this. Because Hollywood is on your case. Yeah, go get him. And he was 100% right. What prompted that was him just mentioning the vague concept of romance. Like, oh, my girlfriend's left seven.

And he goes, yep, and then goes off. It all feels improvised. I'm sure it isn't because, you know, on paper it looks very scripted, but just the way he steamrolls Andrew McCarthy and he's just kind of laughing through the scene, it just feels like, God, this guy must be so off script. Anyway, he was 100% right to do it

and 100% correct that he would just kick Andrew McCarthy right out of the movie. I hadn't seen this movie in a long time, but the only thing I remembered about it was Hollywood. I was like, Hollywood and something about a mannequin? Is he like best friends with a mannequin? This is a real story. I ran out of a summer camp to get married a couple of years ago.

Like, right as COVID started. It didn't happen because of COVID, but we were going to have our friend dress up like Hollywood and do the ceremony as Hollywood. And that's how much my wife loves mannequins. Oh, wow. I'm so mad that party didn't happen. Yeah.

Yeah. You would have seen a man dress up like Hollywood and do a marriage ceremony. I can't believe that's not an option in Vegas or in Philadelphia, really. Yeah, it's one of those ideas. It's just a dedicated chapel. A Hollywood chair.

Get married by Hollywood. 24 hours. Renew your vows with Hollywood. Didn't do the voice that did not count. Nope. Nope. I'm proud of you. It was like an announcer saying, come see Hollywood.

Yeah. Talk her on the street. So she comes to life and he's like, oh, I'm going crazy. We have to deal with that a lot, obviously. But she finally says like, hey, I saw you last night. You looked real sad. And he's like, oh, wait, you saw me last night. It all adds up.

You must be a magical mannequin from ancient Egypt. And finally, we can get on board of the movie after all of this. She makes it clear that she's been forced gumping through time. She's Icarus, I think, from one of her stories. But also she- And no part of that lines up. Right. Yeah.

I feel like that's fair. But then she says, hey, that's the dress I should wear in the window, which was really troubling to me because she like knows what she is. She knows like, OK, I just came to life, but I know I'm a mannequin. I've fully accepted these weird toy story rules where when people are looking at me I'm a statue, but I'm also like my senses are working and I'm fully aware. I'm just like trapped in this unmoving body. I love it.

It's great. I'm so happy that- She becomes a mannequin, which they don't explain. And like, obviously, like she had had previous boyfriends as she does explain, even if they were, you know, hundreds of years ago. And like she becomes a mannequin and she immediately knows like what a mannequin's job is. And she's immediately good at it, too, because she helps him decorate all the windows and they win all the business.

But she does not know what musical equipment is because later in the movie they fall into some musical equipment it turns on and she goes instantly, where do they hide all the musicians while she starts dancing? Like it's a throwaway line, but it's like she's been not on earth for that long. She can't imagine a phonograph. It establishes that she doesn't exist when she's not with a man, which is a... I mean, that's 80s. It's not great, but it's very 1980s.

Yeah, I read a bunch of reviews of this movie and like virtually all of them are like, just a rip off of Splash. I disagree. I hard disagree because Splash is a woman who comes from the water as like a baby and she's like, oh, you're a fantastic man because you're the only man I know. Where Kim Cottrell has been like traveling through time meeting the greatest men in all of history and she still is attracted to Andrew McCarthy. So like he's up against some real standards.

A Christopher Columbus notorious for his dick game. You've got some high standards. It's true. So I guess that's my big disagreement there that certainly she seems like a magical woman conjured in weird science circumstances, but she's way more capable than like the fish lady from Splash. Yeah, that makes sense. So I wouldn't say she has agency obviously because she's a literal statue. Because it's 1980s.

But conceptually at the end of the movie, when she comes to life, she should have agency. Whereas in weird science, Lisa had like too much agency. She was like an actual genie who could fuck with people. But although she was still owned by them, I suppose. This is going to take a lot more thinking. I think we forget everything I said. I might be wrong about a lot of stuff now that. Just being shattered by deep thoughts about mannequin.

Oh my God. Fuck my life. I have to rethink everything. So the next morning he runs up to his girlfriend who's with her sexual harassing co-worker. And he tells them both like, guys, last night my fucking mannequin came to life. And she's like, oh, that's your excuse for not calling. Fuck you. But I made a note that now five people know about him fucking mannequins.

Anyway, the crowd is gathered to look at the window display. And we see that Roxy gets hit on again by her regional manager. And she gets luckily rescued by a maniac talking about this amazing window display that Kim Cattrell and Andy McCarthy made. And it's the talk of the town. So. Yeah, instantly. Again, it expects you to be on board immediately. Like it doesn't even tell you window dressing is like a really big deal in this world.

It's this scene that shows you like he sprints up to them breathless. And it's like everybody's talking about it. The whole city is going nuts. Oh, yeah. The montage with the news articles about the window displays is like on the screen for like, like there's like, you know, of a newspaper is on the screen for like a really long time. And they didn't even bother to write actual articles. It's just like nonsense text.

Right. It's on screen for like a full minute. It's like, whoa. They just really like nobody. I admire how much confidence they had that nobody would give a shit about this movie. They're like, yeah, whatever. We're making the mannequin movie. Nobody's going to read.

Nobody can read. Here's what's so great about that is that they have these newspaper headlines that are obviously stupid and insane. And the writers put this in the script that like there's this amazing paradigm shifting department store window display. And then they gave this to a production designer and they're like, hey, the script calls for the world changing window display. And the media blitz that would surround that. And I don't think it worked. I don't think that production designer lived up to the task given to them by the Imagineers behind Hulk Hogan's Miss Penny. That's to the point I'm trying to make.

You would think that like the article about the amazing window displays would include a photo of the window displays. Right. Or anything. Or why suddenly we're talking about window displays at all. It's so out of that field. So we also find out that her sexually harassing regional manager is conspiring with James Spader to like ruin the store so that the evil Alestra can do a hostile buyout of the department store. So he's in the company. He's trying to tank it.

So it's it's also a springtime for Hitler in addition to being a forest gump and a toy story and a weird science. Or if you think of Kim controls a motorcycle, it's also kind of a dirt bike kid. Anyway, these are all these are all great. And I don't have a comp for the mannequin fucking part. I think they invented that. They might come. I think all the mannequin fucking movies after this were doing a mannequin. Yeah.

If there was a toy story parody, then this is stealing from that. Yeah, the porn parody. Absolutely. And the porn pressure that was implied, I guess. I mean, I'm getting I'm moving all around now, but that is something I've thought about the movie for a while. Like, is it a children's movie or an adult's movie? Because like it's it has a lot of like sexual innuendo in it. But like all the characters are about as smart as like four year old.

Like it seems like it's a kid's movie. It's written like a kid's movie. But there's lots of like, you know, sort of half sex jokes and yeah. Yeah. Things like that. And speaking of let's do let's speak in kids movies. Let's let's settle this right now between the three of us. He ended McCarthy's having sex with Kim control as a human.

Hollywood walks in. She turns into a mannequin. Does it pop his dick off? No, his dick is just stuck inside there. I thought about this immediately. Okay. It is stuck inside there, though, because she does not have anatomically correct parts. We established that early.

You can see on the other mannequins. So he does become at least temporarily fused into the mannequin. Living penis or is it mannequin penis since it's crossed like the threshold of the magic barrier? I think this is tough. I think it chops it off and it's just stuck inside of her teleportation. She comes to life again. Okay. What if it's going through a hole in 2500 BC Egypt?

Oh, that is going to be a tough one to answer. I'll have to ask like a professor. The inspiration for all Egyptian art. That's why they make obelisks. It's all just supposed to be Andrew McCarthy's penis. Fantastic. I'm really glad we settled that. So they have a board meeting about the stock boy who made a great window display.

We are led to believe this is the only order of business. They have brought in all of the owners and board members to discuss this. But they've decided, okay, the guy who made the great window display gets to keep his job. It's such a great seat. They're considering selling the company and it's still getting like, oh, but we have this great new stock boy. They're like, all right, well, we'll get it six more weeks. It's so good. It's so fucking good.

So at the end of the movie, I want to make it clear that this is a spoiler, but Estelle Getty has a security system installed and she watches the store at night. So she knows already that Andrew McCarthy is having sex with a mannequin that comes to life. She already knows what's happening. Everybody knows that already. Everybody makes that assumption the second they see Andrew McCarthy. Only Estelle knows that it's a magical human mannequin, though. Everyone else thinks he's having sex with just an ordinary store mannequin and they go the whole movie knowing. That's depending on your point of view because I believe that if they reviewed the videotape, you would see him dry humping a mannequin.

I don't think you would see a living woman there at that time. Do you think even the act of looking at it through a recording would like retroactively turn her into a mannequin in the footage? Yes. Perhaps in time also. Okay. God damn, that's fucking... Yeah, it's fucking... That dropped a bomb in my brain.

Schrödinger's fuckable mannequin. It's a classic. I'm not sure how it works. And I do think like, no, trying to think about it more would be very funny. This is what a mannequin too had to be made. Yeah, but no, mannequin too like makes things way more confusing. It's actually like a thousand year old peasant girl statue. Sure.

And it tours America and for some reason instead of appearing at the art museum, it appears at the department store. There's a whole show about this. They still didn't look anything up. Yeah. Hollywood keeps calling it. Like, I have to prepare for my presentation. He says it like 45 times in the sequel. Well, the thing is he probably did many takes and they're like, we're not losing a second of this.

Me check Taylor for it. Yeah. Like that's a good choice, I think. But I want to talk about what they do at night because they obviously have some sex off camera. But while they're on camera, they are performing like comedy tableaus for us. Like it's so fucking weird. They get all dressed up in costumes and then just kind of do little skits. Or like no one.

Yeah, for good one. Like if this wasn't a movie, it would be insane. This really suggests that it all is happening inside his mind. That this is just a maniac who goes in and like plays mannequin with the mannequins for a sexual fetish. And then someone adapted that for a screenplay. But the security guard has this point in the movie. Yes. At this point in the movie, the security guard is looking specifically for him.

He's like, I'm going to come at night and find that guy making Windows plays and fucking kill him with a dog. Like that's his plan. And Andrew McCarthy and Kim Kirtle are just rampaging through the store. They're just grabbing stuff off the shelves, dressing up, recording music videos and playing music. And I just feel like if your security guard can't catch the two people doing this, like what is the point of him? It is a big story, to be fair. He's just a security guard, but he does kind of just play his character from police academy. Yes.

Which is great. I'm not sure he has a huge range as an actor. He seems to have one comedic take. So every time James Spader says something to him, he looks puzzled off to the side. But then sometimes he's truly puzzled and sometimes he's like pausing to deliver something sarcastic. And I'm just like, I feel like he might have actual brain damage. I feel like that actor, George Bailey. There's like a really good, like negative Roger Ebert review of this film.

You know, he was always like pretty funny when he, when he panned like, you know, a real bad movie. And he talks about that character and he's like, he even says in the movie like, why, why you? I don't think I've seen that in a movie since like 1930. It is a movie that does seem like it's, it should be set like, you know, 50 years earlier. Right. The other cops, the other security guards are full on like keystone cops. Like they're like, yeah, we'll get you. I think they overshot it to like almost hit fast zombies. If you watch the scene where they're chasing in McCarthy, you're like, this is a, this is a fast zombie scene.

They work human bodies. They have no experience working human bodies at that point. It's their first day in a body. This film also does the, we sped up the movie to because we realized that this wasn't a good joke. So we're, we're trying this now. It does that a few times. Yeah. So during the scene, George Bailey sends his bulldog Rambo into the elevator.

He sees, oh, Andrew McCarthy is an elevator attack. He sends the dog literally to, to kill a man. And we don't see what happens, but like the mannequin does something to the dog and the dog's never the same. The rest of the movie, there's like a running gag where the dog is afraid of mannequins making him a really bad department store security dog. So it's such a weird joke that like, haha, the mannequin kicked the dog, I guess. Also, I, I want to go on record and say, I think it's strange to, to kill on a, an employee of a store with a dog. Just, just, just a man who's meant to be there. You shouldn't send a dog to murder him.

He, at one point, they have normal, they first have their showdown, the security guard, like finally says, like, I've finally caught you fucking this mannequin. And then he straight up attempts to murder him. Like he's like, now I'm going to murder you. I think he just, he has so much experience and is so exhausted by mannequin perverts in his store that he's just like, he snaps when he sees them. He expects it. He's not surprised by it all. He's like, I got you, you sick little bastard. Now I'm going to kill you for doing this mannequin.

He knows there's no rehabilitation. You don't send someone to prison. They come out not fucking mannequins. It's like, you've got to kill them. It's, he's the, he's the punisher, basically. So, God, what do we have next? So, Roxy calls Andrew McCarthy and invites him out for lunch and they go to a place he used to work at that he burns down. And the major D instantly recognizes him.

He's like, what the fuck? It's you, the guy who burned the restaurant down. And Andrew McCarthy's like, yeah, fuck you. I don't give a shit about that. Fuck you. I'm a stop boy now. I burned what I want. I made a window display.

Maybe you read about it. Of course you did. It's all anyone talks about. So she's there to say, hey, we want to hire you to do windows place for the other store, for the evil store. And he's like, if I'm one thing, I'm loyal. And I want to, obviously that's a great thing for a person to try to be, but he fucked a mannequin the night after having an argument with his girlfriend. Like they didn't break up that morning. They had an argument and he's like, fuck, I'm going to go have sex with the mannequin.

He leaves the restaurant and he tears the wig off the major D. He slaps a fire that he started and does nothing. You can't put out a fire with a wig. Leaves the burning remains. Andrew McCarthy's just like, fuck you, bald, flammable liar. I don't know. I'd like that they cut away from that scene while the fire is actually growing. It's quickly growing out of control and nobody has made any legitimate attempt to contain it.

So the joke is that, of course, he burned the restaurant down again. And I just, it's just such open spite. I love it. Yeah. It's a very 80s attitude to just have the main characters run through life and just let everyone wallow in the scorched remains of their chaos. Just fucking, we're important. Fuck you. Anyway, I love it.

So they, at this point, the movie's kind of in a weird loop where they keep cutting back to them at night, just doing weird comedy sketches and tabloids. There's one where they do like a sort of a cruise ship scene and he's rubbing lotion on her and I'm just like fucking now my brain. What are you? Why would you rub lotion on a mannequin? What happens when she turns back into that statue? Does it absorb the lotion? Yeah, like she needs to moisturize.

Like how does this work? Yeah, it's just, it's a step too far in a thing that's already like several steps too far. I just, I fucking hate how much it makes me think about these things. So the security guards try to catch them, but also his girlfriend and her sex pest have also broken into the store to catch him in the act of having sex with a mannequin. That classic comic parry. Yes. The security guard wants to catch them because he's been given this task by James Bader. He wants to destroy this guy to destroy the company.

Roxy and her sex pest want to just want to catch him to blackmail him into making window displays for the other store. Like that's the thing. The hottest mannequin pervert in town. All the mannequin perverts are talking about him. Haven't you seen the front page of mannequin pervert magazine? This scene has a fist fight because the security guard does catch him fucking the mannequin, like dead to rights. He's rolling on the floor. It's in his swimsuit and they have an actual fist fight and he punches in regarding the face and says, this is for my mama, which is fucking crazy.

Unrelated psychosis. Yes. Kim Contrero knocks him out because he wasn't quite looking at her when she threw the kick. Which again brings up so it's only if you're directly looking at her not if you're in the room so every time somebody's in the room but looks away she comes to life again. She can move a little closer to you. Just every time you look away. Only humans count. I guess.

Yes. You can blast it off late in the face while it's looking at you. Yeah, for sure. They have a bike race past Hollywood and here's another thing I want to settle. Let's say he turned around and saw her. She'd seize up and turn into a mannequin. Now, would the bike freeze in place or would she keep her momentum and just crash into body parts? I think she would crash into body parts.

Yeah, she would keep that momentum. The bike isn't part of it. Yeah. Okay. I agree. I agree. So it's very dangerous to have a bike race past people. Yes.

If you're a mannequin. So this is some daredevil shit. She also hand glides in the scene. She's in an Amelia Earhart outfit and she's like, oh, I got to fly. Even though the movie established she was Icarus. She's like, oh, I finally get to fly. She dive bombs the security guard. He looks over.

So she's a mannequin when she does this. Let's clarify. This is all still in the department store. She's hanging. She's hanging. She's hang gliding inside a department store and dive and dive bombing in a full size hang glider and dive dive bombing security guard. I lock some out cold for the second time in one night like, he is concussion on top

of concussion. It's fine. They leave him there. But he's there to text morning. Like fuck that. Yeah, he's definitely dead. And they ended McCarthy is joking with his mannequin about having kids. He's like, should we name our kid Pinocchio, which I feel like is a real, like real rough

chunk like she should have said, get the fuck out of here with that shit. with that shit. Yeah, that's like, it's also like, yeah, it's just that joke like makes me angry. Yeah, yeah. In a film that starts with a long time ago, just before lunch, like that's better than this. Yeah, yeah. So we have a scene now where he's carrying the mannequin into a storage room, presumably to dress it up for a window display. This is his actual day job, but everyone's looking at him and giggling like 12 people are like whispering about him. We know what you're gonna do about mannequin. Everyone knows. The second after that scene where the whole store knows he fucks mannequins, he's promoted to vice president.

Love it. I love it. They do have pictures of having sex with mannequins. So the blackmail project is still going. Which again, they don't they don't want to ruin him. They want to hire him. Yes. Despite or because everyone at the store already knows he fucks the mannequins. Like, what is there to blackmail him? Right. It was part of his promotion. Like, they were just like, yeah, you could be here all the time with your mannequin. Like, we wink, wink. We know what that means. Yeah. And at this point, he like, he decides he doesn't care. Like, things are going so well for him. He's like, I don't care if people know I'm in love with a mannequin. And yet he does not explain, hey, guys, this turns into when you're not looking, it's a real woman. He's just like,

I just will let them think I fucked the mannequin. He puts her on the back of his motorcycle. His real girlfriend sees it and she's heartbroken. She's literally been left for a mannequin. So the pervert from her work says, Hey, you know what you got to do is have sex with me. This is probably a 15th time he's offered to have sex there in this car ride. And she's like, fine, whatever. And ladies, it works. It works. But then he can't get it up. And so there's a big impotence gag because she is colder than a mannequin. So so so this woman has been like basically whatever, femasculated by by a mannequin twice. I enjoy how how the impotence is portrayed in this and that he opens the covers to look down at his penis. And then he screams to the sky and shakes

his hands and then gives like an Italian, what are you going to do about it kind of thing? I think he says like, why could I have a mannequin too? Or whatever. So not only is he like, you know, sexually harass her, like sexually assault her, you know, then eventually she she's like bullied into it. And then at home, he he can't get it up. And he insults her by saying he would prefer a dummy as they say a bunch, a bunch of times in the movie as well. All while doing just Italian pantomime for for exactly the scenario that's happening. Yeah, when age gets the better of me, and that happens to me as it might someday, I'm glad my wife has seen mannequin and will know exactly what I'm doing when I do exactly this.

Hey, what's the impotence? I wish I had a mannequin. I guess that sort of gives it away. So at this point, there's a car chase also, like they're really like speed running the movie at this point. So the James Spader and George Baylor chasing Andrew McCarthy, he's on the motorcycle with the mannequin who who's the dude like little gags where the mannequin would come to life long enough to flip him off and then turn back into a mannequin. And they're chasing him in a car and he's in a motorcycle. So he's obviously just zipping through traffic to get away. No problem. They crash this car like fucking eight or nine times like they're just completely trashing Philadelphia. And I guess the plan

was ram them and take the mannequin not because she's magic. But if they had this mannequin, they could coerce the man in love with it into making window displays for them. So that's still the plan. And they're classic trope. Yes. Like, I don't know. I mean, at least they've come up with a better plan. Like that one might might work more than the take photos of him with the mannequin. Everybody already knows he's exactly. He has no shame about that. He's like, these are nice. Can I keep these? He's already masturbating to the photos. But they go out and they kiss on a dock. And it's kind of a nice scene. They're demonstrating for probably the 20th time. Hey, no, they're really in love. Then they go back to the store and they just fucking the store.

They show there's at least $150,000 of the merchandise that has semen on it. And like this scene alone and maybe saw us. I don't know how mannequins lubricate. I promise. I promise. I don't know how mannequins lubricate. He like wakes up in the middle of the store naked. Yeah. As their new vice president. Yeah. And what does everybody that sees him naked in the middle of the store covered in fluids do? They applaud. They openly applaud. They take a full standing ovation. Now, I don't know if they're like, this guy knows how to party. So we're applauding him. Or if they're like, this is some sort of profound window display taking place in the center of the floor. Featuring only the artist himself nude. Truly. Truly

a bold innovation. Dozens of thousands of dollars with a fur coats. Like these are such expensive coats. And he came on all of them. So he goes, they do take the mannequins. They did break in that night and take all the girl mannequins. And so they wake him up and he is like, oh, shit, I got to go get the mannequin back. He goes over to the evil department store. And he's like, yes, yes, we knew our trap would lead you here. Here's our offer. $55,000 a year to be a window display guy. And that's again, it's probably too much for a visual merchandiser in 1987. But it's also like it demonstrates the stakes. Like it gives us a number for the stakes that doing all of this to fill a $55,000 a year job position. And like they didn't even

use the mannequin to leverage anything. Like could have been like, how about an unpaid internship? They're like, no, we'll give you a very, very nice, generous salary. Getting your love back is just a little bonus. Now he's like has an actual fist fight with security cards, like multiple security guards. He's beating them all up. It's full cartoon battle. Roxy out of pure jealousy has taken all of the stolen mannequins, which are probably $800 or $900 each. These are like more expensive than one might imagine. So she's destroying a lot of expensive stolen material. And I guess it's worth mentioning

that she's destroying them on the department store's conveyor belt, conveyor belt leading up into like a pit that drops into like a wood shiver. Yeah, into their machine to destroy mannequin. It's straight out of fucking Roger Rabbit. It's just like a doom machine. Yeah, it is. It's a hundred percent how you would kill a super friend. It's just this fucking madness they have that feels like I didn't even notice when I was a kid. Like this is just totally ordinary. The world they invented is completely insane. Like what is the use for this? What sinister

thing do they use? Yeah, there's a long conveyor belt going up to the mannequin chipper. It's like, how much do they have to like, how many mannequins do they have to destroy that they created this like chipper for it? And they have like a, you know, like 10 foot long conveyor belt. Takes up basically an entire room. The mannequin destruction room, of course, is where this next scene takes place. Again, she does not know this mannequin is magic. She just says, I hate this mannequin because my ex-boyfriend loves it. I just, everyone needs to be clear. No one knows about the magic mannequin

except for one person. So now during this battle where Andrew McCarthy is fighting his way down to the mannequin destroyer to save her, Hollywood picks up a fire hose and sprays down the security guards and some real cops. I think at this point, I have a yes. Yeah, there are. Yeah, he does. He does attack the, the, uh, Philly police force ruins them with a fire hose. It's a classic twist on a civil rights violation. I really like this. In several directions. He's having so much fun. I love to do. It's fight and kiss boys. Come on. Two things I love to do is fright and kiss boys.

What's the matter, honey? What's the matter? Come on. This is what being a man is all about, honey. Mine's bigger than yours is. Mine's bigger than yours is. Can we get that damn water turned off? Yeah. Shit. Shoot him. The two snaps.

The two snaps. And then shoot him. Murder that man. I am 100% certain they gave Meshack Taylor the fire hose and said, just scream shit for 20 minutes and we'll keep all of it. Just hosedown these white men dressed like police officers and he's like, I know exactly what to do. I love to fight and kiss boys. Take a sloppy floppy ride on this tube, Dr. Wick. Like just nonsense. And that's, that's what made him, this scene is what made him a gay icon. God, it's so hard not doing the voice. Yeah, he did the voice.

We were getting dangerously close to the voice now. I get the character. Like as you see, like I embody the character very well. Yeah, yeah. This is the finale. And Andrew McCarthy does like a diving save to save the mannequin from falling into the wood chipper. Wait, hold on. Because right before that happens, the janitor, who's a very important character for the finale, comes out of a back room doing up his pants in a way that's very clearly telegraphs, I was not taking a shit. It was something else. Yeah, yeah.

And it's suspicious. Proceeds to view this entire thing so there are multiple witnesses and she can't turn back. Right. So that's a good point. Like janitor knows that this is some sort of a magical mannequin situation. Instantly clocks the mannequin fucker trying to save his love. Yes. And she comes back to life, I would think because of true love. Like he's like,

Yes. But this is true. I guess the rules are she comes back to life after true love has been declared, but like 72 hours after that. Like from the first declaration of true love, you have to wait three business days and then the mannequin comes back to life. So anyway, she's a human now and the janitor does not think he's crazy. The janitor 100% understands what's happening here. So he is also a mannequin fucker is clear implication. He knows what's happening.

He clocks him. He's a mannequin fucker too and is like, Oh shit, I knew it all along. There are magic mannequins. Right. So he's searching through the trash to find more of them and he finds Roxy who has been knocked out by falling garbage. And he has no reason not to believe this is a mannequin that came to life. I found one. This is yes.

It's really happening. The rapture is here and the mannequins are coming to life as the prophecy foretold. Yes. The laws of the universe he just witnessed that this mannequin will come to life has come to life and will love him forever. Despite her loud and continuous objections that she hates it and to stop touching her. This is troubling. He kisses her. And I did make a note that three out of the five straight men she has encountered in this film have groped her.

None of them were her boyfriend. I should say three out of five. One of those includes her boyfriend. Zero were her boyfriend. That's a mannequin fact. Anyway, she rejects him and he fights it. And this goes on for I don't probably 15 seconds of her saying no stop. And he's like and Andrew and in the mannequin are right next to them.

And he actually says to this you have to call it a sexual assault at this point a criminal rape at this point. He's like have fun Roxy like he's like leaving her to be torn apart by this and she ended her basement. To the mannequin destroying. Yes. Pervert in the basement. But we'll certainly throw her in the wood chip or what he realizes this mannequin is broken. Oh, she doesn't love me. Okay.

This is a bad mannequin. I'll throw it back. Clear implication at the end. That's we're two minutes from that. So now Hollywood reacts to the mannequin coming to life pretty quickly. He's like, oh, like what does he say like mama put quarters over my eyes because I know I've died. But he he knows this. This is the mannequin that came to life dealing with it quickly.

I like that him and the janitor do that. But also we got to we got to wrap this whole movie up. So the cops come in and they have the right to arrest every single person in the room. Roxy on grand theft and destruction of property. The janitor on the sexual assault currently happening. Andrew McCarthy for 25 counts of assault among numerous indecent exposure charges. Hollywood for a very erotically charged fire hose rampage. I think that's against the law.

Anyway, they have a lot of reason to arrest everyone, but it still gets like no guys. I have a security tape that'll explain everything. This old lady has a tape. We need to see that. Ask any questions. Yeah, such a great ending. This tape has proof of the supernatural on it. And she's kind of cute about it.

Like she tells Andy McCarthy, I only saw what I needed to see in a way that affirms. I've seen your dick going in and out of a time traveling mannequin on the fur coats. Very plainly. Like I watched you rail that mannequin in every position all throughout my store and I'm into it. Love it. Your secret's safe with me. So they leave with the janitor. They have no further questions for him.

He decides there's got to be more mannequins in here and he dives into the garbage leading to the fucking woodchip or conveyor belt. Like he's risking certain death to get another magic woman. You see two of them already. So lonely. Cut to a wedding and that's the movie. Cut to the wedding you never got to have. Yeah. I made this point in my cracked article that this would be a real hard wedding to set up because these two have no guile or understanding of the universe.

And she's like a 4,000 year old like foreigner with no papers. I just feel like it's probably not a real wedding. I think they just got dressed up and sort of. It really is the store's like latest fancy window display and like think of the stories in the paper like famous window display designer married in window display to mannequin. It's the only thing any of them understand. They filtered the world through window displays and mannequins. So you know that guy that the janitor that the trash compactor room janitor at the end. He's also in the second film.

He and Hollywood are the only characters. Oh my God. Carry over to the second movie. He has like a bit of a plot. I think he still works at the department store there. He's like I'm looking at his IMDB page. He was like a writer for all that. And the I Carly like all those shows by that guy like Dan Schneider who's like a creep.

And yeah, it seems like he's still working even as an actor too. So good for him. Yeah. Mannequin was his first role. So really this this movie created a lot of a lot of that just in Mannequin too. I bet he's just chain smoking like I keep looking. I can't find another one of these magic ladies. He did.

That's the lesson in this movie. If you do a good enough job, you get to fuck all the mannequins you want. So the wedding, the wedding actually gives me a good segue into my story that I had been hinting about earlier and my personal history with the movie Mannequin. And so I definitely saw this movie as a kid. You know, so I was born in 83, like four years before this movie came out. And I definitely saw it as a kid. I know that like Mannequin too on the move like ran on HBO one summer just like on a loop.

You know, one of those things. I definitely saw both of them as a kid and I didn't really think much of it. And then like about a decade ago, I saw for sale at like the FYE at the gallery, which was like was Philadelphia's downtown mall. And so I watched it and I was like a freelance writer for Philadelphia magazine at the time. And I was just filing like I don't I don't know how many stories a week I was filing. But one of them one week was titled Why Mannequin is the best movie ever made about Philadelphia. You know, and the article is just about like how on board the movie is.

Yeah. But the point why I say it's the best movie ever made is that there's a part in the you know, in the end of it where she says, you know, he asked her, quoting the movie here, like, how do you know you're not missing something better 5,000 years later? And she responds like nothing could ever be better than being here with you. So like, this is a time traveling ancient Egyptian who dated Christopher Columbus and Michelangelo and like was around for, you know, all of these things. And she thinks the best time in world history is 1987 Philadelphia, which as someone, you

know, this is a city and this is going to sound like I'm making this up and I'm not. This is a city that just two years prior dropped a bomb on like a black separatist compound in a row home and then like decided not to put out the fire and like several blocks burnt down. Obviously, I love Philadelphia. I live here. I might have picked 90s Philadelphia. You know, there are other times.

I guess they will be moving on there. Pre-racist bomb or very, very post-racist bomb would be the best. Yeah, or I don't know. Lots of times. I mean, obviously, I, you know, I when the machines take over and we look back on this time, we will realize that 1987 Philadelphia was the peak of humanity. And that's what will design the matrix around. So, so I met my, my wife on Tinder in 2014 and she like Googled me before meeting me

and found, you know, to my horror that she had, she had read some of my articles before and like she knew, so like she knew of me at least. And one thing she found is that like there was a section on the mannequin Wikipedia page. It's not there anymore. I'm still where like I was quoted. It was like reception in Philadelphia. And then it was just like a brief summary of my article that's still in there. But there's no like reception in Philadelphia subhead.

And you've made, you've made two references to how you're not super proud of this article. Is that, is that what I'm getting? No, no, I'm actually very proud of this article. I'm just a self deprecating person generally. So, so, so we watched my, so she was like, well, I like, I want to watch this movie with you. So we, we watched it. And then like mannequin became one of our things, you know, like we'd, we'd play like

nothing's going to stop us now to like guide each other. Our first holiday season together, like I got her the laser disc of it and she got me like a 12 inch single of nothing's going to stop us now. It's adorable. As usual, she did, she did better than at the gift giving. And so then I want to add a point to this. I personally have given my wife this soundtrack on vinyl to mannequin. I bought her the DVD, which is actually kind of hard to find and it's not streaming anywhere.

So you have to buy it on hard media. Also, for one Valentine's Day, I commissioned a poster of the mannequin cover with me and her on it. She's the Kim control mannequin. So, so I mean, I'm really vibing with you here is my point. Much like, much like, much like Andrew McCarthy's whose head is obviously pasted on the poster. And I'm someone else's body. I'm a mannequin fucker.

I'm out. So we all have a personal connection. The dream mannequin team here. So, you know, the big like, you know, center court area where she hang glides and sure hits the, hits the security guard. That is where I proposed to my wife. I wanted to, you know, like there's a lot of cliched I live. Like, you know, maybe like six blocks away from this department store for like 15 years.

She had moved in with me for, you know, after, after a while and I wanted to do something near us. And this seemed to make the most sense. What's amazing is that I later wrote a second story about mannequin. I've probably written maybe others who knows, but I was trying to do like an oral history of it for Philly Mag and like no one would want it to talk to me about it. Well, I'm making Mr. Nanny to still in production. I can't wait for them to finish that.

So about a month before my career at my old, my old sports blog imploded, I wrote, I wrote a long post for the, the feminist blog and that same, you know, network of sites about mannequin, specifically that one of the mannequin heads from that movie was on display at a store called South Fellini, which had a new location at that same mall, which has since been renovated and sort of made worse. And they had like posted like, Hey, we got one of the mannequins from mannequin. Like, and I later found out they had gotten it from some dude who worked on the movie who like, they were going to throw out all these mannequin parts.

They've been fucked to death is what the problem is. And so he just like took a bunch of them. He left, he left on the mannequin destroyer and saved each and every one. Yeah. Yeah. And so they, they posted the photo and then like Kim control saw it and she was like, No, that's not it. Like I have, like, you know, like, I have one, Tanya has one, like Michael has one, like,

I don't know, like said all these things about like where it was. So that is how I ended up interviewing Tanya Wolf, Wolf Rager, who did confirm that the mannequin that they had was the mannequin from the, from the film. They like, they had like a different body, like they just grabbed, they just grabbed sort of whatever mannequin arms and. So Kim, Kim control is wrong again. Yeah. Her, her like, I loved her quote, like about, you know, like, so they basically just like

gave her the script with like notes on it. That was like, here's where you like, here's, here's where you, here's where we need mannequins. And so she says, I was given the task to figure this shit out. Here's everywhere where a mannequin appears in the movie. I said to myself, look at the script, Tanya, what do you need to sculpt? Here's where she turns into a mannequin. Here's where she's going into the chopper. We had a nice long conversation that did not make the article about the idea of the

mannequin chopper and, and how that product did not exist. Nobody has the need to destroy mannequins on such a grand scale. To her credit, I want to say that like, there's only one point in the movie where you're like, Oh, someone did a specific pose to get in this pose. Like Kimberly Charles dancing and she does this really weird move, kind of like a dab. And then like Hollywood comes in and the mannequins in that position. It's like, that's the only time when you're like very, very conscious of the transition. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. She does. She also sculpted a Misha Taylor. He gets turned into a mannequin briefly in the second. Oh, fantastic. They brought it back. You got to bring back the same mannequin. Yeah.

Yeah. And, and like I said, she's like a very good sculptor, a very accomplished artist. You can, you can like find her on Instagram. Where's that? I mean, she's like Taylor mannequin. That's an anniversary present. I'm going to help. I have a photo that I'll, that I'll send you.

That's like a shot from her studio. That's like a bunch of mannequin heads. Okay. One of them is Bill Paxton. I don't know what shit. No, wait, I'm getting that one. But God, I'm trying to figure that. So, so anyway, like our, my and my wife's love for this movie has, has moved from,

you know, like ironic to, you know, full blown, complete fandom. Fantastic. That beautiful romantic story about you and your wife and also for the information that there's a Bill Paxton head out there waiting for me to fuck it. Y'all know who's had it too good for too long? Sorry, Scorch. Laughing at us from their unspoiled forest. Don't even pay rent.

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