The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 115, Big WikiWhy With Alex Schmidt

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

Brockway challenges Seanbaby and guest, Secretly Incredibly Fascinating's Alex Schmidt, to navigate the WikiHole. The intestinal tract of ignorance, the tube you go in when you allow fate and WikiHow to lead you to your own certain destruction. WARNING: Don't try anything in this podcast, or in general.

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, America's last comedy holdout. We are the wiki-how of internet comedy. We may not be right, but we are a lot. I'm the factually incorrect.

I'm the factually incorrect Robert Brockway. And with me is dangerously misleading Sean, baby. I am a lot. He's right. We're a lot. We're a lot to take. Admit it. And our guest today,

the desperately underpaid Filipino artist, Alex Schmidt. If I had a nickel for every time I got that bio, I'd be overpaid, baby. Let me tell you. As part of my research and the end of my research for today's podcast, I did read about how wiki-how gets their art

and it's that they commission mostly just freelance from around the world, but they stopped paying human wages and now outsourced to the Philippines for 40 cents a picture. Oh man. There are probably some artists out there right now going, wait, 40 cents?

That's a pretty sweet deal. In the Philippines, that's like a dollar. It's still not worth it. There's no way that's worth it. It's just, you got to do it for the passion and like what? The passion for bad instructions. The passion for tracing Seinfeld stills and putting them into wiki-how.

Yeah. There's got to be like a method to like, streamline the process that's probably really unethical. Oh yeah. That was in the article. One of them got caught drawing, tracing a picture of Obama and then turning him white for one article,

which caused quite a scandal. Obviously for the famous wiki-how how to draw white Obama. Yes. You won't believe this. It was somehow incorrect. Oh. There was, the white Obama community

was just thrown into shambles by that. Yeah, and then they did get caught like tracing sitcom stills too for like. No matters on white Obama community. That's I think a good sign. Oh. Well, we've created one. Surely we've created one.

Well, before we get too lost in the wiki-how and we will, I promise. Alex, what do you want to plug today? I'm so excited about what's going on with my podcast Secretly Incredibly Fascinating and I'm really glad to be talking about it here too because we, I got to join the Maximum Fun podcast network and also I got to like hire on the great Katie Golden

to co-host every week with me. There's still going to be other guests joined on the two of us too and a few have already happened. Really want us to happen. But point is it's like the dream artistic home for that particular podcast to do and now we do, me and Katie making it every week. It's awesome.

It is awesome. The episodes have been great. I love the dynamic you guys got. Thank you, yeah. And you guys will be on again at some point too and Katie was already the most frequent guest and then to add her every week is just, it's a real treat.

I hope folks have fully understood how good of news this is because also not everybody's heard of Maximum Fun but it's an artist-owned, listener-supported set of podcasts and a lot of the vibe we're already doing, like humor and facts and everything else. Yeah, they're great. They're one of my favorite networks. I was already subscribed to them

just if you are already subscribed to them you can go into your account and you can just tell them, hey, also give money to Secretly Incredibly Fascinating which is what I did. Thank you. Yeah, and there's like buckets of bonus audio. There's a couple of feeds and then all the stuff from all their other shows, it's like 35 shows I think

and they're all quite good. It's a really fun group to be in. Yeah, you'll never get through all of the stuff you get as a bonus signing up. There's thousands of hours. You'll never do anything else again. In a good way. Yeah, yeah.

And when I was meeting with them, let me tell you, I sat them down and they were like, your columns for Hot Dog are too powerful, you must stop. And I was like, never, I'll never stop. It's something I will never quit. And so just always so thrilled to be right in here too because it's the best comedy site. It's the strongest.

Yeah, if they ever try to take you away from us, that will begin the prophesied Hot Dog Wars. That's how they start. Which side will Pierce Brosnan take? Oh, definitely against us. Definitely, yeah. Oh, that one's going to hurt. We'd have to have a champion battle between Alex Schmidt

and Pierce Brosnan. I'll take Timothy Dalton. I'm going to bank. I'll bank on Dalton. Let me tell you fellas, I was watching the Living Day Lights two nights ago just for fun. It's great and Dalton's good at it. It's a good movie.

It has some weird parts like when he teams up with the Afghan Mujahideen before that took on a different vibe. That's not right. It's quite a good Bond movie and he's good in it. It's one of the problems when action movies kind of try to predict the future. They're like, nobody's heard of these guys. Let's get on the ground floor.

Yeah, Rambo plays Buscashi with our sworn enemies several years later. Rambo 3. The 80s really thought the Taliban was going to be the next big thing. Yeah. They're making hard on that one. And in Hollywood's defense, Afghanistan has a lot

of pretty mountains, right? If you're filming a movie, you've got to get pretty mountains in there. And so then you end up panning around with all sorts of folks. Right. Well, apparently one kind of folks. Oh, sure. Get those beautiful opium field shots.

Oh, look, as far as the eye can see, heroin. Well, to steer this back from what are we talking about? The Taliban. That's the 10 minutes in. OK. We should do another one of those bits where we make people guess what we're talking about. And it's Taliban.

You're right. It's Taliban the whole day. You guessed it. I love Secretly Incredibly Fastening so much. It's the inspiration for this podcast we're doing because it's based on lots of careful research by intelligent people about small things that are more interesting than you think. And so to celebrate it, I thought we'd do the complete opposite

of every one of those things. So we're going to learn a lot of wildly wrong things that are hugely important and somehow made boring. And yeah, they're all going to get us sued if you do anything in them. Today we are going to be playing a special game of wiki why. I don't know. It sounds safer to go back to the Taliban stuff.

Yeah. I feel like we're going to if you give wiki how enough rope you'll get to the Taliban like it's we're going to get there. I've always thought of the Taliban as a very secretly incredibly fascinating inspired organization. I love how you say Taliban. Like it's come Mr. Taliban tally me banana.

That's great. It adds a little whimsy. Much needed whimsy to this segment I'm desperately trying to steer us away from. Yeah. No, I really appreciate the premise. Yeah, wiki. Why let's do it.

Let's do it. Why? Why? Why though? Why? Yeah. Okay. For those of you at home that don't listen to our bonus

podcast, first of all, how dare you? Second of all, we'll explain the game wiki how is a site that teaches you how to do very basic things incredibly wrong like like maybe Taliban wrong like you might end up in the Taliban at the end of a wiki how article about sewing. It could happen. Here's how the game works. I read you pieces of advice from a wiki how page and the two

of you work together to guess what the subject is. Today is a little different from the game we play on the bonus podcast because instead of carefully curating only the finest wiki how garbage, I'm just going to hit the random button because I learned there was a random button. I could have been doing that the whole time. I mean, most of these are going to be bombers, but some of them are going to be are going to be lunacy and I guess we'll

have to you'll have to listen to the rest of the podcast to find out if we edited out all the bombers. Maybe maybe we won't. You can't you can't be running a website with actionable advice and have a random button like that's a misunderstanding of why Wikipedia is fun because Wikipedia you just hang out and read it and don't do any of it. Like you can't you can't randomly advise people to do

stuff in real life. Yeah, that's wild. Somebody was actually trying to like I need to do some self improvement, but I don't have any direction in mind. Oh, there's a random button. If it was a different if it was a competent site, I would think like, oh, this is a way to like learn a completely random skill, but it's it's wiki how and and so no matter

what you click on, it's going to be you're going to leave dumber than you went in. So it's just like a reverse Batman like if you go there and click the random button like you suddenly like terrible at a lot of skills. Like an like an anti how to reverse Batman. I'm sure that's on there. How to lose competency.

That's the running theme of the website. Okay, the accidental pattern. All right, let's get our first random. And this is real like you're really just going to hit random on wiki how I'm really hitting random on wiki how and then it's going to take me a second to find a sentence that doesn't give it away too bad. Okay, you might think that your comfort zone protects you

from bad feelings, but by staying there you are letting those unpleasant emotions hold you back. When you have sight of it, you can take control over them. Yeah, I just Google this. This is white Obama community. How to get how to escape a white Obama community. I feel like what you just read Brockway is a lot of like fortune teller or horoscope results.

Right. Like a lot of times they're just like the signs say you need to get out of your comfort zone this month or whatever, but it's a wiki how fantastic. Yeah, this is as close to nothing as a person could write. Yeah, that's if they got if they got 40 cents for that, that's too many cents. Yeah, this is definitely like a boardwalk fortune telling

machine that would print this out and you would be like, man, I spent a dollar on this. I've got a big gameplay question. Are you allowed to describe pictures to us? Yeah, sure. Why not? Okay. Can I like to request a picture description?

Okay. The one right underneath that sentence is a man holding his hand to his head like, like, oh, I forgot something. And then there's like a thought bubble next to him with a picture of the sun. A thermometer reading 75 degrees and a big X over both. Like, no, no sun. No sun.

No 75 degrees. Another quick question. How much would you pay for that drawing normally? This this has a lot of elements going for it. I would say this is a 45 cent drawing. Yeah. Okay. Thank you.

That's very helpful. Yeah, it sounds like a drawing by someone who doesn't understand how humans perceive weather. Why is it not 75 degrees specifically? That's not a thing. I'm actually not sure without like just sitting here and talking about the temperature change, which I'm not going to do.

Because it will poison my brain in ways I will never recover from. I think we call 72 like the optimal temperature where you set your thermostat or when it's a pleasant day. So maybe 75 is like that same thing in the Philippines. So this is just sort of like, oh, it's not a, oh, it's not a perfect day. Oh, oh, there's my job to make it a perfect day.

Oh, I blew it. This is how to deal with failing as God. That's a great guess. Thank you. Yeah. How not to play God. Yeah. How not to play God.

But I think that's what you're doing by hitting random on wikiHow. It's reverse. It's a reverse God. You're right. This is undoing God. This is reading the Bible backwards to put back in his cage.

And then it's just like, it's just like, you know, we're gonna have to use this as a whole premise. It's normally when we do the podcast, like, uh, we split up production duties. And so it's my turn. I'm like, okay, I'm going to like do a deep dive into a really stupid movie. And it's your turn.

You're like, I'm going to design an entire RPG system over the course of eight weeks and have an elaborate. And then here you're like, what if I just hit random on fucking wikiHow? It's like, oh, it's a great idea. The next hour is us finding out did that work so far? I love it. Yeah. No, it's a great show so far All right, buddy. What's your guess or do you want to go in with Sean on how not to play God? And not to how to not how to deal with failing as God was my guess

Failing it's good. The picture is very evocative and then also the words are almost commanding you The words are almost telling you like you need to get into this different emotional state to have an adventure But then based on the picture, it sounds like the weather is bad or something And so I feel like it's like your emotional state is supposed to defeat the world somehow How it's some kind of thing of like how to do your day if you didn't dress for the weather But just purely for your mind, you know If you're supposed to be just fucking psychologically devastated that you put on God damn it. I'll never recover from this

Various debris Yeah That would be the wiki-hub version No, this was how to become heartless. Oh my god How to become heartless, why would one want to do that? How to be emotionless to cope with how to be emotionless to cope with pain stay calm and stand up for yourself more It's the sub I have actually covered something very similar to this At first I was like wait, I have I oh my god

We land on when we're done, but no, I think I did want about how to like How to be a psychopath or something like that which right? It's got to be the same like steps. Yeah, that's it They're cousins at least Yeah, when you were when you were talking about this is some kind of reverse Batman situation I think it's becoming that in a supervillain way, right? It's just encouragement to become someone who would build a space laser and overcome the emotions that stop us Method two is acting heartless to stop being used and get ahead Okay, so this sounds like exactly how to be a psychopath. Yeah, this is how to be a psychopath

Great or how to write an 80s self-help book how to write a business book in the 1980s in America Say no to anything that doesn't benefit you are That's the art of the deal as That's where it is just greatest presidents. That is just it's probably just word for word the art of the deal All right. Well, fuck. I don't know what we're gonna beat that We have a narrative arc we're going for now we want to build that space laser All right, your next one Let me find

Oh It's probably not I'm not even gonna read the sentence. I'm just gonna look at the heading of the very first step Okay, look at fire Look at fire look at fire Do you want to do what the image? Yes, please. Yeah, of course. It's somebody looking at fire Wow Okay, hmm, this is how to be the main character in Plato's cave You got philosophical jokes, I'm gonna go this might be too too similar hold me back. That's too too similar

How to make s'mores? How to make s'mores on the fire to make Plato s'mores will combine the two the fire that casts your perception of the world How to use it to make s'mores? Yeah How to make s'mores on Plato's fire? I Guess I did make the main character the guy fucking with the guy in the cave in Plato's cave Is he the main character in that in that what do you call it story the guy fucking with with him the guy Tending the fire to fuck with the person trapped in a cave. I guess I Guess he's probably not the main character

Right, are you supposed to be either role in the allegory? I don't know. I don't know how it works Allegory, that's that that's super unused word. I was looking for thank you, Alex. I'm on top of my game today, too What do you call it when a thing is another thing? Is that called a Plato s'more? I think that's called a Plato s'more Taliban's Plato s'more Already dumber and we're only two wiki house in yeah, we're only two and functionally illiterate Although we did get to the Taliban on our own. We can't blame wiki out for that That that header is just so elevated by being look at fire instead of look at the fire It just really it goes a thousand percent stronger with no article. It's great. Yeah, I love it

Look at fire and then the picture look at fire I Psychological test, but I'm picturing like a giant destructive fire that like you've caused you know what I mean How to how to enjoy fire in the absence of anything specific my mind goes apocalyptic I guess All right, so you guess I like the idea of Somebody as an arsonist and their approach is all about centering yourself like okay You started your fire first center yourself check in with your spirit. Okay, great Yeah, I think this one is how to burn the fucking world down

But it would instantly be my favorite wiki how what what were your what were you guess is give me the guesses one more time. Oh It's more is that how to make a little allegory and how to be the villain in Plato's allegory, right? I did a joke for Freshman philosophy students, but then I changed it to burn the how to burn the world down how to burn the world down Okay, so many got really close there at the end. Just kind of fucking around. It's how to unblock the solar plexus Chakra No, how to unblock the solar plexus chakra step one look at fire I Feel like that's a great place to start. Why not I

Do you kind of want to know more like Do you like pound your chest like Chris Farley fake in a heart attack you surround yourself with the colors yellow and gold? Repeat positive. Yeah, everybody. Everybody knows all that Yeah Add yellow produce to your diet Okay, so yellow produce Well, we got bananas some yellow bell peppers Yellow bell pepper is right. I got some corn and very nice. Mm-hmm. All the class looks like a like a real fuckable peach here

That counts, I guess yeah a yellow peach sure All right, the rest of it is just new agey bullshit. Let's see What we got come on now wiki how I've broken wiki how it doesn't it doesn't want to do this We've done two of these and it's wild how close we've been in some ways. Yeah, I agree at least had tangents that are related Incredible, it's true There's there was no reason for me to go philosophy and here they go I feel like metaphysics and philosophy or you know again at least cousins Yeah, you were in the ballpark amazing. Yeah

All right, let me find something else Let's see. All right. Let's let's go with already know this one. This is how to star in a Movie about a basketball playing dog. That's what it is. We're moving on I'm still trying to get half a point. I'm like hockey playing chip Watch that. It's too late Let's see here's one that doesn't quite give it away. I'll give you a couple since it's so short try to set a limit for yourself It's one

Okay, it's just Mars again. It's Mars. It's Mars. Yeah, you can only have like half a s'more Don't eat the whole thing Picture is of a man opening a car hood and looking down unhappily at the steam rising there Okay, so try not to fix too many cars Whoa, okay Once once you fix seven cars in a day like time to head home Never never do it on the street. Oh No, never mind. I had a guess, but now I don't

Guess some kind of road trip driving tips like don't go to yeah, you know But but do it on the street is different. I'll read your line from the intro Like Bruce Springsteen says when summer's here the time's just right Huh, uh, this is about masturbation. See you don't want to do it in public Bruce Springsteen loves to jerk it during summertime and if you do it into a car it'll it'll completely Blow your gasket jerking it. Oh down summertime You know how all of his albums are about jerking any different pieces I

Like that if it's jerking off one of the tips is try not to do it in the street try not to do it in the street I mean give it a shot Sorry, sorry, I just thought of step one look at fire One look at fire Oh poor bruce springsteen's head injury songs Looking at fire He's kind of warm Took enough into the engine block

All right, what give me some guesses we'll move on from this one Okay, um Sean might have had something with repairs because like don't do it on the street It's probably some kind of like do it in your driveway thing Yeah, maybe changing that might actually be along the lines I'm I'm so stumped. Can we get another picture description? Uh, okay, don't do it in the streets. Is or is that not illustrated? Uh, let me find one that doesn't give away the game too much

Surely let me find one that isn't a dog playing basketball Here's one a man looks like he's he's standing in what looks like the uh the windows default background in the just Blue sky grassy field and he's looking at a street sign that is completely empty. There's nothing in it It says to do nothing Okay Okay, how to survive in a world devoid of context. Well, that's like what we're doing right now, Alex Seeping through into your psyche I think we're unraveling universe

You did this to us broccoli wiki. I was trying to tell you something Yeah, I guess I guess it's just I guess I'll say like how to Keep getting around in life with a car whose engine keeps overheating Uh, pretty close. You both went you both got the car thing clearly. Uh, it's how to drag race I can't imagine a better way to die like you will absolutely die Can you imagine looking up at a drag race on wiki how? That's the fucking craziest shit Why would anyone put that on?

I want to see sometimes there's like a little follow-up section really have like success stories I want to see somebody that's like i'm dead now I died I died doing this You could just rent fast and furious 299 on YouTube red Yeah, that that seems like an activity if you're gonna learn it in real life You either learn it from the fast and furious films or on the streets

You are not allowed to use the internet to learn that you are not allowed to be indoors In your home when you're learning that you need to be in a movie theater Watching the movies or out on these streets of all of like there. I'm sure there has to be worse Like there's got to be a how to parachute Uh page But this is with a wiki how page that I think would kill the most people like the most accessible would look this up This is this has got to have a real high I want to say teenage mortality rate

Like surely this has wiped out a high school class or two You know what'd be a really funny premise for like an apocalypse movie is all information has been wiped off the planet except this Like this is the culmination of all human knowledge is just wiki how In all of the books you have to rebuild society. Yeah based on Based on what you find there and only the random button works Yeah What's was that movie the book of heli? It's that but all the climactic scenes are look at fire. They are stupid It's a dumb movie

Instead of it being brail at the end it opens it and it's wiki how it's like oh god damn it We did all that oh Uh no no success stories, but the warnings are cars have been known to explode in accidents So they know what's going on. Yeah, thanks for that because there's some element of danger to illegal car racing And your car Your car will explode Oh, I don't like this one already Uh-oh

Okay, uh Oh, shit. Let me make now. I it's gonna be dark Like tell again dark get your criminal history reports. Okay How to date a murder one picture to go with it and then let's see uh the picture is of I want to say they just didn't draw it very well, but it looks like Like a the ghost of a demon man He's got no pupils for his eyes. He's just got white eyes and like his facial features are fading out of existence and he is

Holding a gun at us the camera And this is like the last moment Registered and printed on somebody's brain as they got shot in the head Okay, how to turn a mugging into a sexual opportunity Right is there a mrs. Faceless demon man You know No ring, right? Hey Um, I see you like to bang, right?

No, still dying, huh? Yeah That's my criminal history and then It's see I wonder if the reader is supposed to be the demon man or be the pov that that has to gone at them No There's probably a wiki how for each Which one are we in here? I'm gonna give you these are the darkest images. I'm gonna give you another image. Uh, yeah, it is of What looks like a young hipster woman?

Grabbing a jog a look a woman about to go jogging. They're in a what looks like a student dorm room And a young hipster woman has a hand raised as though she's going to slap the jogging woman And there's a big there's a there's a sign on it, but it's not a stop sign. It's the yield sign Okay, okay, it's where you would normally have stop or a big x. It's like hey wait Just assess before you go through with it consider this Uh, don't grab don't be the second person to grab the jogger like if someone's already grabbing the jogger yield the right of way

It's might as well. It could be how to attack joggers in the park. It that that could very well be There's the weird thing popping in my head is from a long ago episode of secretly incredibly fascinating Which is we did one about stop signs and I found out that In japan the long running symbol for a stop sign is pretty similar to a us yield sign. It's a triangle so i'm almost imagining this is some kind of Japanese set and it's a stop. Okay. Maybe i'm i'm mr. This is some kind of yakuza story wiki wiki how this is how to either join or Depart from the yakuza. How to safely escape the yakuza

Maybe how to defeat how to defeat the yakuza someone someone did a wiki how on that Yeah, they're they're doing good in the world. They're like we're gonna finally take them down It was using using the power of wiki how for good Use a vpn because you don't want the yakuza to know you've been googling how to defeat the yakuza How to stop yakuza wiki how? uh kind of a wild guess is so how to stop the yakuza or How to be the second person in a jogging assault?

Have not to be the second. Yeah, those are our guesses Okay, it is how to get child custody if you have a felony record Oh my god Oh my god, that's dark. That's very yeah, you're very dark. Wow. Holy shit Yeah, someone sat down and said you know who we need to help today Felons who want to get custody of their children from their non-felon wives Uh, guy, what is an acceptable joke to make in the face of this resolution in your face in your face deal with that I had like a oddly optimistic thought come to mind

which is that You know not all felons are the same and so I like I hope this is only a useful resource for like Marginally improving your case So then only a felon who already deserves to have some custody would succeed with this help and the others would not You know what I mean? Maybe that's an optimistic take on it. It's at best It will marginally improve their chances at it will probably make it worse So this could be an altruistic person trying to make sure none of these

Like criminals get their kids you could make wiki how pages for dirtbags Knowing full well it will actually make them less like it how to mug someone And then all the tips are like give them the knife to increase the challenge Tell the police you're about to do it Yeah, this is uh a hero a hero made this To stop to stop Yeah, there should be a bunch of these wiki how pages for how to do various crimes But they all mislead you or make you ridiculous to your town, you know, it'd be great

Yeah, it's really trying not to make judgments on On uh molesters and violent criminals that's still trying to help them. So, uh, evil. That's evil wiki. Yeah, you've done Congratulations. Good god. I'm if I get another bummer. I'm finding I'm getting uh, I mean I'm gonna cheat Oh, no, that's a good one Uh a cardboard tube may be a cardboard tube may be the best option, but a thick wooden dowel would work as well This has had a masturbate with bruce springsteen Oh now You could start a fire with two wooden dowels they're like sticks

Rub them together I I love the different directions you guys went with the wooden dowel rock. We put it straight up bruce springsteen's butt And natural instinct Good boy scout stuff with it starting to fire. Yeah, that's right Perfectly to the tune of We didn't start the fire

I love they're both great great directions to go. I have no notes 10 out of 10 for each of you I also believe uh, all of my bruce springsteen songs have been sung to the tune of john kughermanicab songs Yeah, I wasn't gonna say anything. I feel like a lot of people do that Yeah, that's the first thing Yeah, you read the wiki how I have to be a bruce springsteen fan and this is the result Yeah, I I said in the tragedy of wiki how I wound up and john kughermanicab Oh, shit, give me some guesses. Okay, uh, okay Let's see how to set a cardboard tube or a wooden dowel works. Hmm. How to make your own fruit leather

Here is an image, uh, it's somebody with their fingers together making the money sign Oh, yeah, this is definitely fruit leather Make that fucking fruit leather bank start your fruit leather empire You smash it up you roll it around a toilet paper tube You got yourself some prison fruit leather Yeah, because this this needs to be something where the hollowness of a tube is not a feature because you could use a dowel instead This is for rolling sturdiness of a dowel is also not primary because a cardboard tube would be better It's just for making a tube shape or rolling spooling something

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that could be this could be how to how to mug This could be like somebody ambushing the how to mug get a thick wooden dowel. That's good enough go out there Man, that'll do it hit somebody the paper towel roll. Give me all money The white hat wiki how's where they advise you that you can beat someone up with a cardboard tube But you can't like good job. Good job wiki how yeah I have at least I have at least 40 karate books that tell you how to kill someone with a cardboard too Learn pressure point karate how to mug someone learn pressure point karate I think I think that spooling gas is probably it

All right, what's what's your guess say it again? Yeah, like even toilet paper like if all your toilet paper came off the roll how to do a new roll of toilet paper Oh my god, it's kind of reuse toilet paper. That's probably a wiki hat. We landed on that one You got to join join Schmidding the gas Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna change my debt. I had a good call Uh, it's You get a point if there were points because that's so close. It's how to make your own lint roller. Oh Yeah, right on wait. So what do you put on the outside of the dowel to pick up the lint tape

Okay I mean that makes sense, but also, uh There's no way that's cheaper and it feels yeah, that's way more expensive than just buying a lint roller Uh and method two is using your hand as a lint roller I Feel like most people try that if they have lint on something like the first Step one is seeing if it comes off when you rub it. Oh, no. No, no Uh step one of of using your hand as a lint roller is wrap your hand in a adhesive tape. Yes

Yes It was wiki how deranged And that's that that was the making the money sign you make the money sign and then wrap the point of your hand in the tape So that I guess you have like a stabbing claw to sure Then you can you can physically pleasure the uh The vulva of the of the lint covered object

While using the one of the other digits to massage the mon's pubis It gets really detailed on wiki how they mean they know all the names of all the parts I Also, I like any instructions such as covering your hands in tape where then it's hard to keep reading the article Oh, no, I can't scroll down. What's step two? What's step two? I look at lint. What's step two? Right like step one throw your computer or phone in a lake. Okay, great. No Now me no entertain me go look at fire All right

So stupid to our next one which is so crazy that they've all been useless or wrong Like it like it's like it's not a bit that you're doing where it's like some of these aren't very good It's like they're just this huge vast collection of of websites that are stupid. Yeah amazing sad Okay, I've got a fire found a sentence from your next one. Uh read up on kinds of corn Oh God, this is probably that like solar plexus chakra, right like his corn is a yellow produce They did have corn in that image

There is a surprisingly large metaphysical wiki how section just like there is for black magic There's so much black magic on wiki how we're if we had if we went at this for like two years we'd find That because here's like maybe a side thing in defense of the random button on wiki how The random bucket up and on wikipedia is often not interesting There are simply too many articles and too many of them are tiny weird stubs It does actually take you some clicks to have fun with that on wikipedia, but wiki how we're getting gold constantly Yeah, very impressive because nothing is right and like the things that they want to teach you are also not right Like it's bad from the premise stage. Yeah, they're also weirdly high effort. The fact that these are illustrated at all

Uh, it just adds this like Necessary step of of effort to make it feel worse to make it feel like oh a lot of mistakes had to be made to produce this And I think that's what makes it special Whereas a wikipedia entry like one guy could just be like, oh, this is a song from 1967 Songed by this guy and you're like, well, I guess yeah, sure. That's an entry But like wiki how they had to go give like 120 cents to someone in the Philippines to draw a guy looking at fire or an empty street sign Like they must do it based like somebody must just search for something One time and then wiki I was like, I guess we're making an article out of that

Whatever robot they use is it's just like that's an article and then commissions sets it up all automatically. I assume And then then you would just you make an article And nobody polices it and uh, it's gold. It's it's maybe the last The last still how is it still functioning the last like functioning Page of the old internet where just fucking anything went yep it feels like it feels like that like just this

community free fact checking free place for madmen to Write their own instructions for the world There's a youtube video of somebody that knows what they're doing for every single thing that's got to show up first There's like reddit subreddits of people explaining how to do everything. There's forums specifically for it There's no reason to ever use wiki how to do anything. It's amazing that it exists. It's it's I'm convinced it's just an art project Yeah All right, you want an image to help you with this guess uh read up on kinds of corn and the image is Let me guess it's a guy looking at a book with pictures of corn in it pretty close

You ready you want to guess you want to guess what the image is? It's a guy looking at a big old ancient scroll with pictures of corn out of it. Yes Oh, that's so much better. It is it is a reporter Saying uh saying the emoji corn. Yes. Yes. Yes With with an up and a down arrow Oh, okay, corn go up and corn go down. This is corn stocks. Um Sean you just got it. Is trading you got it. You both combined to get it exactly. This is how to purchase corn commodities Oh, that's so fucking excellent. That's amazing

That's amazing. I'm so glad that happened. I made a corn to corn stocks is technically a pun Oh, shit that you got that too Hey, you got that going for you too Good work. What a show. What a show I have no idea if this is good, but it's really fun. No, it's really good. I think we should do this every week This is incredible I feel like this is so fun to play along with at home too. This is great. This could be the show every week. Yeah God

Sean the corn stocks pun and credit like If that's not a t-shirt yet somebody you could sell that at ivy and stuff. It'd be great Like because people are talking about corn commodity trader. Yeah, that's corn. That's what I'm laughing at I just got Sean's pun No, I'm I have your next one Yeah, I don't carry the vibe of a pun guy because that might be the first pun I've made maybe in my life Hell yeah

Because I even like I have a midwestern accent. I'm from illinois and the words stock and stock It takes me a lot of effort to not say I'm the same It's really teed up for the midwest and for printing on some stuff. You did a really good job This is either the last pun you ever make or the first in a long line Yeah Both are you either got the fever or or you never want it to happen again I'll be making fun of those old joke books and suddenly all my articles are like, you know, this one's really good A french fry would win a race because it is fast food

That's clever, I love it you've been training all your life for this. It's not fair. It's not fair the other pun book authors Yeah, it's a real to catch a thief's stuff here. Yeah Oh god, okay Okay, I have your next one And uh, we I'm so sad that we got this and it's not the end of the show because there's There's nowhere we're gonna beat it All right, when you have the energy use it to do something fun And uh, the image is of somebody walking a dog

Okay It sounds like it's gonna be so far away from that though. Wow. Yeah, like all my guests are tragic I'm just like, oh, yeah, this is for someone dealing with the chronic depression. Like no, no, he wouldn't have thought that was funny Hmm. Is it I mean, it's it's it's almost too vanilla to guess like how to work from home Without going crazy, right? Like that's too too simple It could be How to I mean, that's a reasonable guess how to live as a blood powered android So if you once you fuel up on blood, yeah, yeah

Remember the flesh of man and you've got some some juice You're not gonna have that forever. So you got to spend it walking the dog or something. Yep You never know when you're gonna get the next your next blood fuel If you're an alien imitating a human or any android or something Yeah, okay. Now here's my new head cannon. My new head cannon is that this website wiki how Is literally exactly the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy Like it is for aliens to understand our planet and it's poorly written And it's the resource they use when they're trying to figure out what's going on here

That would explain a lot. I would think yeah Yeah, Brock was right. There's no use for it. Like All of this stuff has much much better On the same device You know, I know it's yeah, there's no reason you hit multiple resorts the results for how to do something You're like, I'll go with wiki how No Yeah, like for some reason aliens just can't get read it or something

It's like this might be just how they're trying to communicate with each other without getting caught like You need to know how to do all of these basic things But if we start telling like posting that publicly Everybody's gonna catch on that we're aliens that were dipshit aliens specifically who came here unprepared But when we learn to do something we can tell each other like this Is there someone getting rich off this though like it feels like Is is there like some evil tycoon who's just raking in the millions on wiki how? Well, there's no way right cracked used to be a property of demand media and their other very huge

During that era their very huge property at the time was eHow which was like a marginally better wiki how and even then which was peak internet before the advertising collapse They were hemorrhaging money. So no, right Yeah, no, they are not okay It could be they've tricked like legacy internet media into like paying them as influencers to be like, hey, we want you to promote our

We're a a cabal of learners. We want you to help promote murder on on your wiki how Maybe I'll promote our corn commodities corn is doing so bad you guys Let's talk about corn we'll give you seven cents every time you mentioned corn I don't know it's it's kind of it's kind of freaky. I legitimately did a sketch video one time where it was me and This wonderful dude Randall Maynard But the premise was I was asking him to create an animated character who was a big ear of corn It's basically mr. Banana grabber from arrested development but a big corn guy and then the reveal was that

I had bought a bunch of corn thinking that's how corn commodities work And I was trying to jack up the price by popularizing corn with an animated show You were so that's why you guys guessed it you this was He's been training his whole life for this This was that that movie every question in how to how to be a millionaire Who wants to be a millionaire leads to like some some story of your background. This is your version Yeah, I'm being waterboarded in a back room, but all they're getting from me is information about old comedy sketches I wrote it. It's really not useful at all. You're starring in who wants to win wiki how and it's the saddest thing

All these stories in your life lead back to wiki how pages. Yeah, I'm doing a sucker punch I'm actually completely unconscious being poked at by an evil psychiatric ward Also, I love Randall. Hi Randall. You still have my batman never get rid of it He's great Randall Maynard. Yeah, look him up folks I gave him a giant unreasonable, uh, batman statue with a mustache and uh, I just went That's your fucking problem now and then I moved away from california Well, let's do a wiki how and how to get rid of a mustache batman statue

We we're almost at how to reverse batman. I certainly got how to get rid of a batman. That's almost there Oh, okay, uh, yeah, if you have the energy do something fun Oh, what's your guess is I wasn't kidding about the android one. I think it's a blood-fueled android Uh, how to how to function has a blood-fueled android how to how to live your best life as a blood-fueled android That's a good way to put it I keep wanting to say blood-filled android and that's a different wiki. Yeah, if it's a good day. Hell, yes If it's a day you're walking the dog you better be

Too many what's your guess You know, okay, what if I like drill way down on the energy part like what would be an article about That like presuming you don't have energy I guess is This is just dark. But is it is it like you're recovering from covet and how do you have a good time? How do you entertain yourself? Okay, how to how to have a good time recovering from covet. That's a yeah, that's a good guess It's how to die peacefully Okay, so I didn't go dark enough that's cool

Oh my god One of the middle steps is walk your dog. We don't know if there's a plan for a next owner of the dog We don't know right like that's that's kind of airway on its own But it's just like you might die and your dog is hanging around the house Oh my god, I'm just trying to look the whole vivid story of somebody Facing the end and googling. How do I do this? And then they find a wiki out page They're like, yeah, that's comforting. Yeah, this works. That's the template. I'm gonna follow Right how to die peacefully

good god Oh, I wish that could be the end of the podcast, but we're not quite there How could I possibly hold it up? There's no way I do I want a documentary about About their entire editorial process, but especially if any pitch for an article has ever been turned down on any grounds at all Has there ever been a promise? It's gotta be a robot. It's so sad if this is not a robot That's the man that that's who who commissioned. How did I peacefully so they Now when I wrote for electronic gaming monthly for many years, I kind of got into this

uh like Rut I guess you could call it where I kind of I would fight with the editors And I want to push to get weird shit put into the magazine and the editors would be like, oh, no, you can't you can't say that You can't talk about that and so this that could be that I think alex is on to something that these could be maniac like wikiHow editors and contributors that are like they'll say no to this and they just never say no to anything and Yeah, that's that's the give and take it's some sort of a drama being played out that we'll never understand or

or or see It could be because how to die peacefully is like a real like smart ass's idea of of a wikiHow article Like a robot. I don't think would come up with that because a robot wants you to die violently a robot wants to tear you apart while you scream That's basic robot stuff. Yeah. Yeah peacefully in the first step is just like in a robot's belly Just in the belly of the robot It's they keep it so comfy in there. There's couches Yeah, speaking of documentaries I have played the the documentary game calculords and one thing I learned from that is that all robots want you to

Die violently and be torn apart, but it's just basic robot stuff. Yeah, that's the first law robotics The real one the real one that's the real The real quadratic equation Right not the one sanitized by robot sympathizer isa kazama. There's only one rule And it's death to humans death to humans death to delicious humans Whatever those dalek things say i'm not a doctor who person but whatever they say over and over again. That's the law All right, here's your next one. Uh, I'll give you another header line be available, but not too available This is a whole okay. This is a whole new one available. Okay, this is and this is a header

This is like a whole section is about be available, but not too available Okay, it could be about dating. It could be about employment Yeah, yeah, that's my first thought Yeah, all the human pursuit of Goals where you need someone else to say yes Uh, hmm How to have a human friendship This is not a trap

Yeah, that's the full title Right, it's it's ford pre-fact learning how to befriend arthur den. Yeah, exactly Um Yeah, it seems like jobs are love. I mean it could be how to I mean, it could be We don't know Yeah

Maybe it's like how to work part-time but not get called in for all the worst shifts or something. I don't know I'll give you a hint All of the images have facial hair, but uh, you have to really work to guess. That's what that's supposed to be There's just the wildest drawings of facial hair. I've ever seen like some of them are just somebody Somebody took like the brush tool and just turned the opacity down and like tried to fill in a portion of a man's face And uh, one of the images is a man with a renaissance era haircut Looking at a blank piece of paper like it's the best thing he's ever seen and then another man is behind him looking at the Blank piece of paper like oh shit. You got that blank piece of paper, huh?

All right, it does help because you don't want to be too available Uh, yes Hmm Right. Okay renaissance and paper is an art Oh, is it like how to become a famous artist? Like you want to stay mysterious but still make some stuff and then like a famous visual artist I love that the in the first steps in the wikia page would be like and now to cultivate your air of mystery Yeah

It's all just warhol persona stuff. There's no art tips at all. Yeah Be insufferable. Here's some tips on how to be insufferable Oh, that's the answer be insufferable No, no, I was I was making one up But you're right. There's a whole I've written several times about the whole section of wiki How that is just about how to be insufferable how to be how to be weird how to be disruptive Oh, yeah

Was so offensive How to be quirky I hated that one more than the how to be sonic the hedgehog or how to pretend to be sonic the hedgehog Yeah, no way that's worse The listeners said that one was really easy because it's like hey dressed in a blue outfit and eat chili dogs And we're like, what the fuck are you talking about? but All the listeners guessed but none of us had any idea because we're not

Fucking nerds. Yeah, I was proud of that. I mean, I'm a nerd, but I'm not like a sonic the hedgehog nerd That's a deep. That's a deep nerd. Come on. That's like a that's a high level nerd Foul type of nerd Alienate our banks All right, what are what are our guesses Uh Okay, so Renaissance paper

This is all all this wiki how hard it's tricky because either the renaissance hair could mean something Or it's just an artist is bad at depicting regular hair And that's just weird. It could this could be a total red herring or a big clue I feel like it's got to be a da Vinci reference. I don't think a wiki how would have like that era of person with paper Uh, this has got to be like their idea of an inventor. So I'm thinking it's an invention Uh, that's a great idea. Yeah, how to invent blood eating robots. Yes Yeah, we'll do a call back to how to invent a blood Uh, a blood eating Bruce Springsteen robot and then kill it peacefully

And then die yourself peacefully before before your creation as I together holding hand to claw Dying peacefully together Oh And the final step is look at fire. Yes together. Yes Perfect most peaceful way to die. It's all tying together somebody. What's your guess? Uh Yeah, I I guess that become a famous artist thing it could

It could also be oh, oh, it could be like how to do figure drawing Like how to draw a human model well Schmini got that high of getting the boring one right now. He's like, I gotta Got to get it. Yeah, I get it No, I'm sorry. It's the top 12 ways to make a Libra man miss you Whoa Holy The horoscope sign. Yes. Yes. Okay. Cool. There's also a real big scammy astrology side to wiki how yeah, of course

But the the ways to make a Libra man miss you is so bizarrely specific and they're 12 Uh, I I am kind of interested like, uh, are they unique to Libras or or would these work on Say a centaur Uh, some signs enjoy the chase when a crusher date suddenly makes themselves unavailable But Libras aren't one of them centaurs love the chase. Yeah, that's literally what they're built for True. Yeah, they're good. So yeah, to that extent it is specific You're speaking of course how they carry nets and And our horses

Of course on a real base level you the four horse legs help in the chase All right, let's get your next one big shout out to it. That's hard to make money Big shout out to anybody doing junk internet writing who wrote one article and then Sold it 12 times by swapping and all the different zodiac symbols. Yeah, fantastic. Like you can't Rude for you. That's just a good grift. They've they've created this Like landscape this media landscape where that it would be stupid to have ethics like it would be like suicidal to not approach this job

completely unethically Yeah, the artist too. I hope they just like Truly copy pasted somebody else's drawings of the zodiac symbols into the one set. Good job. It's like how Uh, like con men when you think of a con man in the movies, they're usually they're living high and they're They're fleecing their way from town to town But like a real con man is hustling these cons nonstop just to stay like at the poverty level Like right afford beans. Yeah, that's the wiki how con is just like we're just trying to make beans We're trying to make bean money

And this is just like the trap that they've they've welded themselves into page inside I'm not good at being a waiter. So I just do a thousand different little crimes every day and that's just how I get by Same the same way though wiki how makes Exactly same wage Probably worse probably much much much worse Yeah, just despite the stereotypes you've heard about guys named Monty Most of them can only afford one card two card stops, you know, like don't be fooled You're not gonna be a three card Monty

Yeah, that's a hollywood glamorous Monty. That doesn't exist You know what I'm I'll just I'll just do one that will give it away You'll completely I guarantee you'll get this. I'll be astounded if you don't Make sure you have at least four ounces of fur This is uh, how to be a polar bear How to be a tiny polar bear Are you three or four ounces or you're dead three ounces of fur that's too little Mm-hmm

What if I decided I can't answer this because I'm european or not around the metric system in some way like I don't know What is that like Is that like fill a truck like a truck? I do you know this one? This is uh This is how to film a pornographic film in 1979 That's my head went there too. I was this like you're a specific pornography actor advice. Yeah Bush flicks There is a surprisingly big bush community on wick. Yeah, no, I don't know Yeah, actually legitimately is this like how to skin a beaver or something like the animal not the not the bit like like

Is this how to get a pelt from a beaver and make money? How rude is the drawing how is it how to grift a beaver out of his pelt is that what you guess is I'd just be like the trapper kind like the old kill-em-scanum that is not good for the environment Is the picture uh lewd disgusting or both? Uh, I would say both Okay, it doesn't help that doesn't help It could be either of our guesses All right, all right, you're gonna lock them in

Yeah Yeah, sure. Yeah to reach porn It's how to how to be in vintage porn how to find I think bn, right? Yeah bn because that fur has to be yours Okay, how to be in vintage porn and how to grift a beaver out of his pelt Uh, no and uh, we are definitely going out on this one it is how to make dog yarn What a fucking nightmare What a fucking terrible nightmare

Oh, why would you want to do that my dog shit so much and I love them so much and this would be the worst thing I could possibly imagine. It's just Dartboard shit like how to make diaper spaghetti like what the fuck is dog yarn? And what have you made? Behold the sweater. I have made it from dog Like you're under arrest If you yeah, definitely if you sold that to somebody as anything else, but my dog yarn sweater Like this is alpaca. You would be a fucking there's some sort of heritage law there that is going to put you in prison for the rest of your life

Yeah There's a secretly incredibly fascinating episode about wool And we do briefly touch on the concept of can you do it with any mammals hair? So I'm glad we've dove deeper on this. This is your who wants to be a millionaire. This is your life story Slumdog schmitty the true story that's the name of podcast But the main character is the hero cop who's busting my like dog sweater ring because I'm also doing that in the movie I'm the villain Oh my god, this is this is one of the most detailed and exhaustive pages

I've ever seen it looks like there's 600 steps to making my god Fucking dog yarn and your reward when you're all done is fucking dog yarn Yeah, and a bald pet A sad dog and a wad of itchy fur There is a picture of a sweater and a picture of the dog yarn and I think I think whatever maniac did this might have actually made a sweater out of dog yarn Yeah, I think somebody out there is wearing a dog yarn sweater And you'll and no one would see that and think anything other than you just killed a dog

And you're about to kill me too Like the next step is how to make human yarn, right, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's only one further step. That's it No pets would trust you again. They would take one smell of you and know what you've done It's nine hundred And with maximum The craft is not trapped is not Shitty in the hundersaw feel a stunder Come on, you can't see no more

It's nine hundred It's nine hundred Who did it? Y'all know who's had it too good for too long Sorry scorch Laughing at us from their unspoiled forest. I don't even pay rent Well, I'm sick of it. I recruited the best goddamn big feet hunters this side of the width of kuchi. I call them the supreme's

We got three finger lewitt erin crossen adrian h adan mouat alpha scientist jabo andreus larson armando nava Badger is hunting foot big because he's dyslexic

Benjamin sirenin ben tosser brandon garlock brought bigfoot urine, but not as a lure and that's all gentle say brian sailor brian whitney Rockway loves to meet me there. Whoo. Yes. He does very two math zero

Chatting satisfied hunting bigfoot. He's here to make a bigfoot hunt him Chance McDermott chris brower curious glare bigfoot stole his girl Not romantically bigfoot stole a whole person and he's here for revenge dan b debon the rogue supreme Dean castello bigfoot stole his girl but romantically and he's here to win her back

donnell fenni Dr. Awkworth Eric Spalman Fancy shark stole bigfoot's girl and he's here to do it again jello Greg cunningham hambo Paraca is actually hunting a moth man

fucking takes all kinds of my right Harvey panguini hot fart jaber al-aidan Jeff haraski john dean John Hector McFarlane has successfully hunted seven big feet wears her heads on a necklace and never takes off

He's so heavy he's got neck problems That's real That's real stuff right there John mckamin John minkoff josh fabian Joshua graves is hunting every man's dream Two big feet at the same time

josh s Ken paisley Ken him is hunting bigfoot the truck he gonna skin it MJ he's about Mack miserable Matt Riley max baroy Michael lair is here to save bigfoot the deluded son of a bitch Michael wales

Mickey loman Mike styles Mojoo fell for one of bigfoot's pyramid scams ain't nobody leaves this forest till that $3,500 comes back Andy Neil Bailey Neil Shaffer Neku 104 don't believe in bigfoot But does believe the zoo has lost more apes than they cotton to

Nick Ralston Ozzie Olin Patrick Hurst Rachel is bigfoot's girl and she called him stepping out Rain Vargas Breanna Sarkovsky Sean Chase

Saren is only here to find out what they say about fellers with big feet is true Spotty reception Superknot Ted H Thomas Kovatsos don't want to kill bigfoot, but he sure wants to fuck him up some Timi Lehi Toasty God Tom Sikula has two trained bigfoot hounds and they will attack anything over seven feet tall. Sorry Shaq

Tommy G Waylon Russell Yissarian And unandy who is secretly a bigfoot in a hat and trench coat He's here because infiltrating bigfoot hunts is the only thing that gets his motor running anymore and I support it Oh, no the hounds run run you majestic bastard