The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 116, Seanbaby's Big Book Game With Jason Pargin

Episode Date: March 29, 2023

Seanbaby makes Brockway and guest, author Jason Pargin, play a super-size Book Game! 6 terrible 101 Things books, over 600 of the dumbest ways to arrange words mankind has yet discovered, 30 straight minutes of rambling tangents about niche online hate groups - this podcast has it all!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Out of podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast work. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero. Yeah.

Nine thousand. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000. The best zone for fun and friendship. We are the creators of one nine hundred hot dog dot com the final comedy website. Supported by listeners like you at this World Web address. Listen. Patreon dot com slash one nine hundred hot dog. I'm longtime internet funny man Sean baby.

And my partner is taking the A train to fashion in his mustard socks and his ketchup sash. He is a real hot dog. Robert Brockway. I would actually wear the shit out of that. That is a good idea. We should the next time this is a video podcast. I'm going to I'm going to wear all that. Here's a Brockway fact.

I can hover four inches off the ground as long as you stay exactly where you are. And there are no follow up questions. No questions. We're here with the hippest cat in town. Ain't no doubt when he's around he's best selling author and tick tock legend. Jason Martin. Guess we need to address the elephant in the room. I don't want to I don't want to stretch this out.

And like I know a lot of people have tuned in just to hear us address this. So a couple of days ago at the time of this recording, I guess the podcast had went up with you and Zach. And I my phone that morning my phone is blowing up. I'm getting texts from everybody. Everybody in the crew. I'm getting Frankie, Big Mike, Hutch, T-Bone. Sure.

Tanks, Dewey, Fat Johnny, the whole crew, the whole squad. They're all taking scene. Hey, God is home fixed. I think he borrowed. I think he goes to the library and uses theirs. Classic T-Bone. And they're saying, hey, Jason, if you heard, they're talking smack about you on the dog zone. They're putting you they're putting you on blast.

They're talking all sorts of trash about you. They're, you know, they're, they're putting their balls over. Yeah. That's T-Bone, right? That was T-Bone. You put your balls on something T-Bone tells everybody. Yeah. So this is, and that's part of what have set me about is like, this is how I had to hear about it.

Like, I wake up one same morning and I try to think of another way to say they're talking smack. Anyway, and we're getting off track. And I get a text from Moussine. Hey, you know, they've left ball tracks on your name on the dog zone. So the accusation was in everybody, you might people old co-workers from crack. I haven't heard from years. My dad, everybody's texting me saying this. So I listened to it and the accusation that is made on the show is that I go on subreddits

and message boards of obscure hate groups because I think it's funny. Which you do. I don't know that because you think it's funny, but you do. Okay. This is what we need to clarify. Okay. For one thing, okay. I'm not going on like forums of like white nationalists.

What I am doing is that if you are on Reddit for any amount of time, their algorithm will occasionally feed you a post from a new hate group that you didn't know was a thing. You actually have to browse for a long time to figure out who they're mad at because in many cases it's another community. Like it's like six layers deep of like they like they splintered off from some other thing. So like as you guys alluded to, I shared in the slag, I was asking for help deciphering like a political cartoon that had been made by one faction of neo-nazi furries. Right.

I think who were the cartoon was rebutting a common talking point from, I guess, the other faction in each side was trying to claim Hitler. Like what kind of furry would Hitler have been if he had been alive today and then they were each saying like, oh no, you would have been like these guys be so surprised that these fin boy furries, you know, when they would, they would be in the camps, not like us. We would be guarding that. Jesus.

Wolfboy furries. Wolfboy furries. Yeah. And that's the thing is that I, people are saying, Jason, you're probably doing this because you're going to write about it, right? Like you're going to do a column about it. No. I have said again and again, you do not want these people showing up like in your social

media. You don't know. These are people who have nothing but time. Like no, you don't want to dip into some in cell community. And again, not just a community of in cells, which is, that's just Reddit. Like, but the specific faction of it. Reddit. For example, um, I found there's a, a semen retention subreddit where they believe that,

that not masturbating gives you superpowers. And so they would oppose their duty. Do they have, do they have a name for themselves? I'm not, again, I'm not going to give out the name of the subreddit because some of you think that'd be a good name. I think it would be funny to go in there and start saying, Hey, you know, they're talking smack about you on the dog zone. They say you're jizzing all the time.

They say they saw you come just this week. So go, go on their Twitter, go on their, their Patreon. I guess they'd have to pay to go in the Patreon comments. I don't know. And you don't want, you don't want that. Like that's Sean, you've been on the other end of that fight though. The wrong, weird group. Um, and then I spent a long time on, I don't know if there's a subreddit.

I'll say the name of the subreddit at this time. Please listeners, don't, don't go into it. And in fact, when you're editing this podcast, maybe bleep this out, but it's a female dating strategy subreddit. And you would think, Oh, well, that's a strategy. It's a subreddit for like dating tips for, you know, women who are, it may have been that at one time. Now it's, it's, it's a female incel or at least last time I checked, it's an insult

subreddit where they refer to men as scrotes. Um, and then the whole thing is about how they need to be genocided, how the entire gender is, is, and we've been corrupted by pornography and that there are no good men left in that, that we need to be rounded up and put into camps. I don't disagree with all that. Yeah. I'm on board. And the listener may be saying, okay, well, if you don't think it's funny and you're not

doing it and you're not doing it for work, what are you doing it for? Like, why do you spend part of your, your precious one life you get on God's earth? Why are you devoting even one minute to doing this, let alone hours, let alone this being a routine habit that you have that is that you, and the answer is I can't stop. Oh, I thought there was something good. Um, because the way you go into, you go into a new group and they've all got their own terminology. They've all got their own jargon, their own slang and their own language and their own

little, and then you can see over, see, I'm laughing as if I find it funny. I don't. But you can see like schisms forming even inside their weird incredibly already incredibly specific group where it's already about to like splinter off into some other thing because once, once your people skills are so poor that joining a hate group is like the only way you can deal with the world. Yeah. The odds of you being able to cooperate even with other members of the hate group are really

low. Right. Um, so I would say that it's like a fascinating kind of sociological like observation or experiment or whatever. But again, I have no plan to ever do anything with this information because you don't, you don't want these people like showing up at your house or whatever and they probably will. I wonder, I wonder if there's some, maybe you could start it, maybe you could start like a subreddit for people like you that are, their lives are being ruined by their addiction

to subreddits. It's starting like a little community there. But it's got to be brainbroken in that same way. Is our goal to quit or are we just talking about the fact that we. Well, your goal will be to quit, but apparently it's going to turn into a hate group. Yeah, it would turn into like a look at how weird a thing I found type of like arms race, which I think would be a valuable resource. I think you should start it and then we could go there and you say, I've been on the internet

for a long time. I know not to poke at them, but I poke at them a lot. I've always sort of been fascinated by, by communities with a lot of time and I like I say don't poke the hornets nest, but I really like it. I really like poking hornets. I do. I do like it. I did an article at the wave about the scrapbookers and I reprinted that it cracked and this,

it was just a community that really organized to write like a letter writing campaign to the magazine where I made fun of scrapbookers in like, it was like 6% of one article. It was like the nerdiest hobbies or something like that. And I was just kind of making jokes about different types of nerds. Not really even really mean spirited because I am a nerd in several of the ways and one of them was scrapbookers. I needed, I needed some sort of like a palette cleanser. I didn't need like, you know, Star Wars, Star Trek, Dungeons and Dragons.

I didn't need, I don't need all genre. So I needed like some like square ass, like old lady nerds and I picked scrapbookers and they fucking went crazy. It was hilarious. And the president of the, or the CEO of the company normally was kind of a, like a coward when it came to confronting people for whatever, good reasons. And he got all these letters and he's like, you know what, tell Sean baby that we're not going to take this fucking shit from scrapbookers.

And they like gave me free reign to just write an article making fun of the letters they sent in. And when I turned that article in, then he like, it's like, no, we can't print this. Yeah. Cowardess wins. But anyway, I think those people deserve to be poked at and made fun of. That's just, and if that means, I don't know, I Twitter, I think the Hornets deserve it. I know that some of these people like don't, they just like don't leave the house and

they don't, this is like, they found a thing. They found a thing that it's like a lot of the flat earthers. Like they've just found a thing that it's like me and my weird friend. This is our weird thing. They don't care if the earth is flat or not. It's just, it's a weird thing. And then they like it when people come and argue with them and it's just like a game. And then they've got trolls and that even among like flat earthers, there's two, like

there's multiple bitter divides about like, well, are the other planets flat or is the earth uniquely or do other planets exist? Or are they all just like a projection or something? And it's like, because they don't use the scientific method, they have no means of resolving this. Exactly. So they just, so again, you do all you can do is just splinter off into your own little increasingly weird group.

And I don't know if the internet brought this to the world. But I guess what I'm saying is if somebody, like if say there was a thing in the future where they are able to retroactively, actively go back and see the logs of every website, everyone has ever visited and make that information public, which I feel like it would be bad for a lot of people. In my case, it would look like I belong to like 36 hate groups. Cause like, well, why do you have 15 hours on this message board? If you're not a member of it and me saying, well, it's not that I thought it was funny.

And I wasn't doing it for work because I can't produce like a book that I came up with from that I really just, it's a compulsion. I think they say, well, that doesn't, that doesn't exist. Like that's not an addiction that anyone has ever heard of. I don't know what to tell you. It's maybe it will be recognized in the future. Yeah. You're doing pioneering work right here and you're going to get it in the next DSM just

right now. You're going to find your people. I imagine there's a big overlap between the people that read our stuff and your people whose brains are broken and causes them to seek out novelty hate groups. Although I will say, I do have to say this. I came up on the early, early internet, right? Like I was, I had, when the internet was invented, I had a connection and some of the first content I ever saw was like shock.

It was like people being beheaded by cartels, right? Those shock websites and rotten.com and all of them, whatever they were. There's a bunch of style project. There are all these aggregators and was just another body, another person being mutilated by wolves or something every day. And that was like my first exposure to the internet was like the most extreme horrifying, whatever, you know, actual autopsy footage stuff like that. I think it's an extension of that.

I think it's because that's when I came up online. It's like, well, this is what the internet's for. It's where you view atrocities. Right. So that's what happened to you. You get deep enough into these communities that it doesn't even occur to them to be normal as you and I would know it or we're good as most people would know it. The internet.

Find out what kind of weirdo you are. You just, there's like an amount of time you get to browse before you're like, uh-oh. Is this my thing? Oh, shit. Oh, this might be my thing. And then I live in dread of that day because I don't know what my thing is yet. And I'm very wary every time I learned something new on the internet. I feel like you would have found it.

Yours is going to be so dark if you haven't found it yet. I guess it's this. I don't know. I don't know. Like I'm not right for sure. I have a lot of weird, weird dark stuff in there, but there's no like, there's no cohesion to it. And that's what I'm talking about. It's like that moment where you find the linchpin to all of the weird shit that's bouncing around

and then you're like, uh-oh, that's the kind of guy. I don't need that. We're really learning a lot about each other today. We're just, we're 20 minutes into the podcast and now we're all just like, oh. Well, I feel like Brockway took it to a pornography place. No, no, no. I'm not talking just porn, but yeah, some porn. Yeah.

Cause I think, I think we've all had that experience, but me of where someone showed you a link to like a weird fetish, fetish site. And it's like, haha, look at this. Look at this ridiculous. Like these women are dressed as clowns and then they're just farting on sheet cakes. Oh, shit. That's it. You found it. And then, yeah.

And then it's like, you know, they watched somebody's search history or their rouser history. It's like, there's the day that they went on there to look at it ironically. And then the next day they like went back like, I'm going to go laugh at that again. Ironically, I'm going to go look at that a second time. And then like, I'm going to ironically masturbate to this. And then now you, like you straight up are paying women for custom, you know, $300 to do like a custom. It's like, no, the cake has to have Mickey Mouse on it. And you need to be like insanely specific thing.

Yeah. You need to be so farting on a cake. Yeah. Farting on a cake while you have to be dressed like a scary clown, not goofy. It's got to be creepy, creepy. Like from it. I have this thing. I think I learned this from video games where when I feel like my brain betraying me when

I'm like, when something's attacking my like primal instincts, I get really pissed off at it and I completely disassociate from it. So like, like when World of Warcraft tries to like, addict you with all the little things, you're like, okay, well, I'm pissed off at this now because it's trying to addict me. I get that way with like super normalizing women, like, like AI porn will make a lady with tiny little wasted gigantic titties. And my brain is like, oh, hell yeah. Like, like, I'm sure you've heard about this, like those Beatles that will like fuck a bottle

of the death because it's so shiny and that's what they're attracted to. You don't know what I'm talking about? No. Okay. So these Beatles are perfect to shininess. And so if like they find that a glass bottle, they'll just be, that's the hottest beetle I've ever seen. And they'll just fuck it until they die.

And so like your brain will do that sometimes if you see something super normal, like, oh, this is hot in a way that like is beyond the capabilities of nature. And so when I see something like that, like, it completely becomes non erotic to me where I'm like, so you think you can trick me giant cartoon titties? I don't know. That's me. Not today, giant cartoon titties. You got to tiddy up pretty early in the morning to get me.

I'm too trained in your ways. Sean, I know exactly what you're talking about, by the way. Okay. We can sense that. Oh, it's one of those fucking subreddit things, huh? I'm not even honest. Something that something is trying to hijack your brain. Yes.

And then the same thing when I play certain video games where it's like, oh, this is just a Skinner box. I'm not even trying to give me like a fiction to follow. This is just make the number go up by clicking on this thing. Yeah. Like you guys, I think you both play Destiny and I think there's a level to that where it's of course very fun and kinetic and you get the enjoyment of hanging out with one another.

But also there's some games where I'm playing them with somebody else and we both just go silent for hours while we're trying to, because there's some piece of loot that only drops once every 500 times you kill this boss, we decided we're just going to kill the boss 500 times. And you're sitting there just locked into this completely disassociating, blowing up this boss over and over again to see if it will drop this special piece of shoulder armor that will raise your elemental defense by 0.2 percent. So you do play Destiny.

Yeah, you get it. And there's a point. Give me a game or two. I will get mad. Like I will get angry and delete my save. I'll delete a whole game because it's like I caught it trying to get my brain into a loop. That's why I can't play mobile games on my phone at all anymore. I know some games aren't like that, but I've associated it so hard with like this exists

for no other reason than to exploit me into doing something that I'm just wary of the entire device as like as a console. Now like, no, that's where that's the bad box. That's where tricks are. I gotta stay away. I'm not going to lie to myself with that. I have one I play called Street Fighter Duel and it's got beautiful Street Fighter art, but it is almost entirely just nothing.

Like you just kind of click a thing and you're like, okay, they'll do all the fighting for me. It takes like six minutes a day, but it's like it just inoculates me against like that addictive gameplay loop. And it looks beautiful. I love Capcom guys. That's my hot tip. You'll get addicted to this one thing that takes six minutes a day.

My weakness is what Destiny's doing right now is almost exactly what you described, which is where there's something very good about it. Like there's actually like a very high quality phase in Destiny's case. It's because because it gets very good. And then it also will just be like, no, now it's just brain poison. Yeah. So yeah, that's the danger with me. It's like the Street Fighter art.

You'd be like, oh, cool. I don't look at the side there. See, there's something really good here, but then there's also brain poison. And then that's that's the thing that gets me. That's the Robert Trap. Yep. Oh, God, Destiny has so much brain poison. We've got to cut all of this Destiny stuff.

People were so mad last time. You'd be great at Destiny, Jason, because like we just get around. We complain. The game is really good and also super fucking bad. This is it. That's a whole episode we could do. And I realize people are listening to this. Like, what is this episode?

Oh, OK, that's good. Yeah. No, because I play Borderlands and it's the same, you know, it's the same thing where you're sifting for loot. And the whole theory is that if they give you 10,000 pieces of junk, if they if they drown you in junk, then when you finally find the one good legendary piece that like makes you makes the brain juices go specifically because you had to sift through so much junk to get it.

Right. And like, that's the model. And I know that's the model. I can sit there and do it and know what it's doing and know that it's robbing this time for me. But this is why you said this is the same mechanism that you're searching out, increasingly niche hate groups. You're looking for the legendary hate group.

The legendary. Yes. And see, here's that brain juice. Here's one where they just fucking hate Charles Groton. You're going to be like, these are my people. And then they turn against each other. It's like, no, I hate his fucking teeth. No, I hate his hair.

Oh, you're fucking hair hater, classic, classic hair hater. And the thing is, I would like to say that when I find these crazy groups that that it's like disappointing, man, it's never disappointing. They always are weirder than what I expect. Like whatever my brain is seeking out. Well, you know, just the novels here or whatever. It's never like, oh, no, that that's kind of boring. No.

They're they're always weirder than what I thought they were going to be. It's almost always a good rabbit hole. The human brain is so creative and humans are never more creative than when we've just randomly decided to hate a thing. And but we don't really have a reason for us. We have to like invent a reason. Exactly. Yeah.

I get so excited by the by the brain poison mechanism when I find like a hot dog thing. Like I found that guy s Rob. And then I was God, it was so good how deep that rabbit hole went. Like I found one book and it was about tactical pen occultism. I was like, yes. Casting casting fucking casting spells with a tactical pen is the greatest thing. And then I just kept finding like every time I looked like, oh, my God,

here's this IMD IMDB profile. Oh, my God, all of these are available on his YouTube channel. Oh, my God, he made an entire feature length movie. Oh, it's a fiction movie. Oh, he's the hero of this fiction movie. It just fucking it felt like I could feel it at the time of like this, this maelstrom, this fucking vortex beneath me. And I'm like, I'm, I'm just going to go down there aren't I?

Like I'm never going to come back. But I don't want to feel like we are like our goal as comedians or as writers or whatever is to enforce normalness. Right. I don't want to see these people who fail to be normal because there's nothing normal about how I function. A lot of these people are probably healthier than I am. It's not about that.

It's, it's, I don't know, humans are a rich tapestry. Right. I think at least for the last 10 years, I've always tried to find something unethical about what they're doing. Because at this point saying, hey, you're just a weirdo. Fuck you. It's like it seems intolerant, I guess at this, human history, whereas maybe it didn't in the early nineties,

because we all agreed, hey, this is the default. But, but now I'm like, I got, they have to be an asshole in some way. Yeah. If it's, if it's judgmental on them, you have to find a grifter angle. Otherwise I will still do it. Like our discord brought up some guy who was just like a local lunatic. And it was completely fascinating how much of a lunatic this guy was. But we were like, I don't, I don't know what to do with this.

Like he's just, he's not famous. He's like somebody's local maniac and he's got a webpage and he's got a prolific output, but we can't do anything about it because he's, he's just some guy. I feel like you especially are good at celebrating someone who normally would have been made fun of. I feel like you can find a way if you really want to talk about it. Okay. I could celebrate, but then do I want to make a hero out of that guy?

Because that's the other danger is like, maybe I just don't know. Maybe I just think he's a juggler when really he's an international sex criminal. Correct. Right. That's the danger. Shockingly high percentage of the time. With all jugglers, of course, but yeah. Yeah.

But the delightfully crazy quirky people have a dark side that is usually just very non-crazy crimes of some kind. Oh my God. Who was that? I covered somebody. I'd celebrated somebody. Some like, oh, there was the local fucking stargazing guy. I'm blanking on his name right now.

I thought he was great because he was just a total weirdo doing a really bad job at celebrating his love for the stars on like local TV 30 years ago. And of course somebody popped in the comments afterwards and everybody's like, this guy rules. I love this guy so much. Somebody popped in the comments and be like, yeah, he kidnapped a gay man and like fucking god damn it. I was doing research today and I found this Christian patriotic mime and I'm like, God,

this is fantastic. And he was really bad. He murdered someone. Like within two minutes into that research, I'm like, oh, he's a murderer. Okay, nevermind. Listeners, I want you to know Sean now knows to Google name murder or name arrest. Every single time I do that, I do a rest lawsuit, murder, kidnapping. Yeah.

We all learned that lesson from that juggler. It's the juggling. Trust the juggler. Extend it into like, we need to do some thorough vetting to make sure there's not a greater atrocity waiting in the wings here. Yeah, I did plan a loosely plan a show today to celebrate Jason's upcoming book, Zoe is too drunk for this dystopia coming October 31st pre orders available now. Please pre order.

It helps your favorite author so much. We are playing a full episode length book game today. We're just getting to the plug. Yeah. I know some, I know some people hate it. One podcast take like 25 minutes to get to the point, but I really can't emphasize enough. I don't think this episode is one of those shows where there is like some great point we're going to get to.

It's like now to talk about the finale of the last of us and and how do you agree with the decision that Joel made in that moment? Let's more like about a video game show. Okay. It's called today's book game is called 101 ways books are useful and fun. And here's how we play using fate and deduction. You great men of book words will be competing for glory. You each need a six sided die.

So if you have a six sided die handy, great. Otherwise you can use Google or any online dice roller. So let's get that ready now. If you don't mind. Okay. I am proud to say not only do I not own a six sided die. Wow. I literally did not know there was such a thing as an online dice roller until you guys started

using one for the barbarian brothers games. So if I Google the opposite, you're like an ass crushing jock. All right. So I've got. Okay. I've I've how do I make. Okay. I've got a Google's dice roller, but it's okay.

I've got too many dice up there now. There's like it just. Okay. Hold on. You can just look up random number generator and Google will pop up a little window then you specify one through six and they won't do any shit. I'm now I'm now ready. I have six books here.

Each of them cursed. Some of them familiar. You will roll to decide your book fate. Here they are from most chased to least. Number one, 101 things to do during a dull sermon from 1984. Number two, 101 things you need to do while you were a child by hot dog favorite Mario Corelli. Now we discovered today we have a Polish reader who said he figured out a lot of the mystery

things because there's a lot of things in here like let the duck out of the pebbles where you're like, what the fuck does that mean? He explained that that was like a Polish idiom for skipping rocks translated badly into English. So that that's what that that's what happened there. And he figured out a lot of the weird mysteries and also said that he found a popular parenting blog that was basically this book like this, this person Mario Corelli took a Polish parenting article on things you should do when you're a child and just ran it through a translator

and printed that as a book. I love our fucking garbage detectives. Just good job. Good work. Yeah, fantastic job. Number three, 101 whacked computer jokes from 1998. And number four, 101 uses for a bridesmaid dress. You're going to love this.

It's a 1999 humor book by Sydney Walker. Number five, 101 ways to say I love you. 1991 by Vicki Lansky and the jackpot. Number six, 1001 best pickup lines. Sure fire opening lines for meeting and attracting seducing women by Don Diebel. 1999 has 101 pages, so it still works for our game. Now the way this game works. Once your book fate is sealed, you choose a number between one and 101.

We then consult your book where you are awarded up to two points. You receive one point if you land on something useful. You may also receive one point if you land on something fun. I'm the final useful fun judge, but each or both of you are allowed unlimited time to argue your case if I'm wrong. The winner will be decided by whomever has the most points at the end of the show. However, you can also shoot the moon. If you make it through the entire game with zero points, that's a double victory.

I was going to say, we're going to make it through this game with zero points. It could be a double victory tie. Certain in-game achievements will unlock re-rolls and re-picks. These are secret, and now we're ready to begin. Jason, as our guest here to promote the pre-orders for Zoe is too drunk for this dystopia. Would you like to make a plug before we start? That's the whole thing. If you just Google that title, you'll arrive at it.

You can pre-order it from any place that sells books. That's it. If you follow me on social media, there's a link to get signed copies. They cost exactly the same because me signing your book actually reduces the resale value. No, I don't charge extra, but it's pre-order only. It's like the DLC for a video game that you know is going to be bad, where it's like, ah, if you pre-order, you get all this free stuff. If you go out and pay now before you see the reviews, you'll get...

It's like that. Signed copies are pre-order. This is not your best plug. Except if anybody looks it up, Jason has the best reviews per number. There's no books out there with the number of reviews that keep that high of a score. People have been very kind. It's a hit series, critically acclaimed, and you don't have to have read it, if I'm not mistaken, to get the next book.

No, I never will ask you to. I will never look readers in the face and say, hey, book three is coming out, so now you need to read the first two. I get it. I know that's a standard way to do books, especially a series. I would never ask someone to read. Like, okay, you need to go read the 700 pages of previous lore before you can enjoy the new thing. No, these are like Sherlock Holmes stories.

It's a new adventure. Obviously, if you read an early one in the wrong order, and you notice, wait a second, there's a character here who was not in book three. Maybe don't get too attached to that character, because obviously something bad has happened to them. Because they're going to move away and have a great life upstate. That's right. You don't know.

You don't know what happened. But anyway, yeah, so if you want to start with this, but otherwise the first two are obviously much cheaper. In fact, I'm sure if you can use the internet, you can get them for free off of some sort of a pirating site. This is the worst. Only chumps pay for media. It took 40 minutes to get here, and it's the worst plug I've ever.

Where's defector Dan? He needs to come in here and save this. Yeah, he needs to do your plug. So Jason, you're going first, roll a die to decide your book fate. I'm going to do four. All right. That is 101 uses for a bridesmaid dress. Oh, Jesus.

I'm so curious. 101. 23 for Michael Jordan. 23 for Michael Jordan. That is not an achievement to pick the Michael Jordan number. All on a blind date. Okay. I guess I have to read the one previous because this is a callback.

Number 22, give the dress another chance. Wear it at your IRS audit. Maybe they'll take pity on you. And then your choice number 23 or on a blind date, because you were told he had such a good personality in italics. So that's that book. I award you zero points. Let's be clear right off the bat.

I have to back up. I have to back up because I'm, I apologize. There is clearly some context for a, this is 101 uses for, you said a bridesmaid's dress. Yeah. There is neither of those work. There's clearly some context for why a bridesmaid's dress is funny that I am so detached from society that I don't know what the joke,

like why is it funny that you have a bridesmaid's dress? Does it mean, does it imply you're a loser somehow or that you're, that you're a disappointment? I don't, because that just means a friend of yours got married, right? Yeah. It doesn't work because both of those jokes were almost sort of work if it's a bridal dress, if you're like, if I wear my bridal dress, the IRS, they'll take pity on me

because something has clearly gone wrong. Or if you wear it on a blind date, he'll think like, oh, she wants to be a bride so badly, she's gone crazy. But a bridesmaid's dress is nothing. Like it changes based on whatever you want. There's no consistency to it. It will just look like a dress. Right.

It has no significance. Okay. Are we saying that only because we are three hyper-masculine dudes? And like if we had a woman on the show, would they say, no, it's a joke, it's a joke that, it's a joke that if you still have your bridesmaid's dress that you blank because of some context that we're, we're too incredibly manly that we can't think through the

testosterone to understand the joke because we don't have that context. Like, oh, what a loser you, you were a bridesmaid. Like a smart person would get out of it. Like it's what, what am I, if I Google it, will I, if I see, if I Google what's funny about bridesmaid's dress. You'll get a lot of snarky hate reviews from men's rights activists.

But you know what, I think it will be clear. As we, as we play this game, it will probably, it will probably reveal itself. Could be. Well, I have good news for you. You unlocked an achievement. You unlocked the mystery achievement. You tried to solve an unsolvable mystery right off the bat.

I actually knew you were going to get this one. So you have, for the rest of the game, you have one re-pick at any time. You can re-pick a number or a reroll a die. So from the forward, it seems like she's mainly complaining about like, these dresses are ugly and they're expensive. And so the traditionally, the stereotype is that the bride will make sure the bridesmaid's dresses are ugly.

So she's the prettiest one. And traditionally, they're supposed to be ugly. She doesn't quite like explain that, I guess. That's just something I picked up from sitcoms. And, but she mostly complains that like, you just kind of get a closet full of them. Like they're very expensive, too expensive to throw away. And you can't wear them to anywhere because they're obviously

these roughly ugly things. That's all I needed. That actually makes perfect sense. I owe this book an apology. Now that said, I still don't think I get the two. No, they said doesn't work. They don't work. The jokes do not work in any context.

So yes, she goes to the IRS or a blind date in a bridesmaid's dress, which I would just assume she like did some hipster shopping at the thrift store or something. You're like, oh, you got like a funny old bridesmaid's dress. That's you're like a manic pixie dream girl from an early 2000s movie. Okay, this will be a terrible day. I mean, you're gonna fix me. Right.

I know how to fuck you. I actually damaged. Yeah, I'm, I'm so, I'm so detached from what a normal person's life that if, if I went on a date and a woman tried to wear like a wacky ironic dress, I would have no idea that it wasn't just how people dress. Like I can't. Yeah. It's like, oh, okay.

Yeah, that's, I'm probably doing it wrong. Like if I think this is weird, clearly, it means I don't know what is cool. So you can wear anything and I wouldn't. Well, as I said, you have zero points. So Brockway, it's still tied at zero. It's your turn to roll. All right. Let's see.

I got a three. 101 wacky computer jokes. Hell yeah. Give me a number here. Uh, let's go with, no, let's go later. I want to do 75. 75. This is gonna be awful.

Oh yeah. Why were the two mouses arrested? Why were the two mouses arrested? Uh, is it not mice? Why is it mouses? I think he doesn't know enough. He doesn't know enough about computers. So he thinks they're probably mouses.

Uh, God, it's got to be something about clicking because that's like the one thing he's going to know about mice is that they click. Uh, they, they needed to be thrown in the click like clink. Oh, that's a very good guess. Um, the two mouses were arrested because they were caught drag racing. You forgot about the dragging. You know, people always talk about dragging. Drag.

It was the part two. Right. 50% chance. Very common term. Hilarious. I had the logic spot on though. I knew it was one of two things. And it would, it would just make me sad.

I knew that too. And wait, before I turn, before my turn is over, uh, fuck you, Sean. You, uh, found a secret hidden achievement. Uh, you unlocked the, you were right to fight achievements. Uh, you were the first to attack me. You get one. Uh, fantastic. I want to re-roll right now.

Uh, I want to stay on this book and re-roll. Give me 40. No, I want to go early cause that, that was rough. Uh, give me 10. I like that. You know, that was the one I wrote for you. I knew that one. Okay.

I've been waiting. Okay. What did the fir tree do when it got a computer? Uh, what did the fir tree do when I got a computer? Uh, I can't think of a single tree. It's going to be a terrible tree pun. It logged on. Damn it.

That was right. That was on me. That was right there. That was on me. I was trying to think like something about needles. Like, I don't, I don't know. I don't know of enough about fir trees to, to get it, but. Huh.

Despite using your, uh, re-roll you, uh, you still got zero points. Okay. And that is a no use to anyone. And I would punch you in the face if you fucking liked that joke. Fucking. I don't care if you're sick. Well deserved. Fucking.

Blasting that fucking teeth out your mouth. Okay. Jason. It's your turn. Look at these babies. Number. Was the most scotty Pippin's number with the bowls was a 20, a 32.

33. All right. 33. Okay. Uh, we got to roll the book first. Oh, I, I'm not just stuck on this book. I thought I was stuck on that same. Every round.

Every round. Uh, Jesus. Thank you. Uh-huh. See, I want to get stuck on your book. Your book's the one I most intrigued. That's the real mystery. Two.

All right. That is 101 things you need to do while you were a child by Mario Corelli. So 33 is look for treasures on the beach. Um, the only coherent one. Yeah. That's really coherent.

Uh, and that was pretty good. Yeah. I feel like, uh, not, it's not worth a point, but, uh, it's coherent and you might find a seashell or a quarter. Like, I wouldn't call that useful, but it's not nothing. I'll give you a tenth of a point. Well, I'll just keep track of it. Like somewhere out there.

There's the, there's the beginning of a point. In the zero point tie, it will go to Brockway. Okay. So Brock, your turn. Roll the die. Choose your book fate. Four. Oh, that is 101 uses for bridesmaid stress.

Yes. Uh, I need to know when they start running out of ideas, uh, which I'm, I, I'm assuming it's in the top 10. Let's start. Let's start later. It's 99. Give me 99. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's start.

Let's start later. It's 99. Give me 99. Okay. 99. Here it comes. Make a toboggan for the neighborhood kids out of your dress.

Wow. Yeah. It has a picture of three children riding a dress down a hill. Don't think. So is it, are they the style of dresses? Are they like typically really stuff or something? Is that the joke?

I feel like that they're really like maybe they're polyester and that would kind of, I mean, I, I, I feel like it wouldn't work. You can't just throw a dress in the snow and be like, Hey, we're going. But also like, I don't get what the leap is to make it a joke. Why would kids especially?

I don't. According to the back of the book, Cindy Walker is a model and actress. She admits to an un-customary lapse in good taste and her bridesmaids disresses shown here. That's, there's a real like party picture over here, but does point out that the material is perfect for clever little shoe bag.

That's, that's all I have for you. That's the entire bio. I don't like her. Yeah. No, no, she, she thinks a lot about herself and thinks that dresses could be different things. And that is inherently funny. I award you zero points.

Jason, it's your turn. So again, I'm re-rolling for another day. And then. Oh no. Six. Oh yeah. Give me that number. One number of the Dennis Robin and where when he was with

the bulls. Anybody know? Oh God. I felt like one that was like hard for the refs to call a foul on. Like it was over 55. 91. All right.

Yeah. 91. Boy, this should be something. Yeah. Okay. Okay. It can be difficult to gaze into a woman's eyes to get used to making eye contact.

Focus your gaze a little below or between her eyes for a few seconds. Look into the pupils and smile to ease the tension. Look into one eye at a time to relax. Travel over the features of the face, lips, cheeks, nose, ears and hair. After a few moments, go back to looking at her right in the eyes.

How did you make? How did you make looking at a woman's face into something disgusting? Just. I don't know how you made that gross, but it's so gross. Yes. That he was keeping up that energy, that level at entry 91. That is a LeBron James level achievement in terms of like

stamina, in terms of like, no, we're only getting, we're only going to get weirder as we go. So many of the authors you deal with, they give up 25 entries in. This is, yeah, he's like, no, you paid for 101. You're getting 101. I would, I would hate every single piece of advice, just even like as a man on a date.

If a woman stared at something on my face that wasn't my eyes when we were talking, I would think there was something on my face. If she made a hard contact with one of my eyes, like, it's insane. But my first thought would be, is my eye bleeding? Is my eye bleeding? What is wrong with me?

But as a man, you're, you're thinking, oh, she's a little bit weird. If you reverse the roles, she's thinking, oh, this guy's going to try to kill me. I see. He's an eye collector. Another one of those. This guy, like his eyes just bounce all around my body

when he's talking. Like this guy's brain is not firing the way it's supposed to. Like there's. He's cataloging. He's not. He's not. His brain is not firing the way it's supposed to.

He's cataloging my parts. It's the difference between, oh, this, you know, oh, she's, she's kind of goofy or awkward or whatever. And, oh, this guy might be dangerous. Yeah. Like he might not be in control of his own eyes. He's looking for, like, which of my prime parts will fit best with the woman he's building out of other women?

Right. Yeah. That's a real nice elbow. I feel like, I feel like your best case scenario is an honest conversation. Like I'm interested in what she's saying and I want to contribute to the conversation. And this is just like eliminating that possibility in

every way. Like just don't listen to the woman here. Concentrate on this weird map you're drawing with your eyeballs across her face. Like he's just so completely not even in the imaginary moment. Like he's never going to talk to a woman. Obviously he's going to die alone.

But like the idea of like, oh, what if I wasn't a date with a girl? Yeah, here's what I would do. That fucking stare at her. Weirdly. I love it. Good. So I would use your points.

Rock, wait. It's your turn. All right. Number one. All right. Things to do during a dull sermon. I actually wrote about this on site. This is fucking awful.

It's my second, my second favorite pick. Bridesmaid dresses and then this. Oh, you got to give me 69 for this one. What if he does it? What if he's the one that finally does it? It would be terrible. It would be a crime. We'd cut it from the podcast.

Got an achievement. Zany number. You were the first to pick the funny number. Yes. All right. Okay. Let me get to sorry. They're not numbered very well.

Okay. Creative responsive readings. Come up with some new responsive readings for your congregation. An example might be pastor. Hello, Dolly. Well, hello, Dolly. Congratulations.

It's so nice to have you back where you belong. Pastor, you're looking swell, Dolly. Congregation. We can tell Dolly. Pastor, you're still growing. You're still showing. You're still going strong. Congregation.

And also with you. Oh my God. What the fuck are you talking about? Oh my God. What the fuck has he found? Okay. See, again, I fear that I don't have the cultural context to understand even the background context for

context basis of the beginning of the joke, let alone where it wound up. Yeah. I. What the fuck. Do they, do they have like power slap contests in church? I haven't been to a lot of churches, but he sounds like he's just lost the coin toss in power slap.

Right. It feels like they knocked both, they knocked each other out and then they woke up and in their concussion had a conversation. And this is just a transcription. I can't award you any points. But you do have a re-roll. You could try again.

I would like to re-roll while I'm on this book. Okay. So give me, give me how it ends. It's gotta, it's gotta be something about thanking God. Ministerial reactions. List the 101 ways your minister will overreact when you give him this book for his or her birthday. And the unlikely event that he or she actually enjoys this

book, direct them directly to the deeply moving sequel, 101 things to do with adult church dot, dot, dot, your minister must be in one in a hundred and one. You tried to start a joke into a plug and you didn't know how to do it. It just, you couldn't get there at all. You didn't have the start of it. You're like, maybe I'll tell part of a joke and then try to

just plug and then I'd wander off at the end of the joke and just start a new life, start a new life under a different name. I can't believe he started. So he has a series of, of church books. I don't think so, but it's possible. It's even better. It's even better that that doesn't exist. Or that they say no.

He's not allowed to like sell them in the church, right? Like, wasn't that the thing? God has a rule against it. Okay. I thought that was the thing. Well, didn't Jesus pull out a whip and start going? Didn't he go on a whipping frenzy when he saw people selling things at the temple?

Oh, that's right. Cause then like, like a turkey leg fell out of a candle. And he ate it. Yes. Yeah. That's how he came back. Yeah. Okay.

I obviously award you zero points. And, uh, Jason, it's, it's your turn. Please roll and pick. Uh, five. All right. That is 101 ways to say I love you by Vicki Lansky. Uh, and if I pick 69 here, I obviously do not also get the

achievement because it only goes to the first person to pick the funny number to totally defeat the purpose of the achievement. All right. But no, let's try 69 to see if. Okay. Here we go. Uh, 69.

Plant a gentle roast for your special person. See everyone at a long table with the middle spot reserved for the Roastee. Each person should take a turn telling a funny story, anecdote or memory about your special person. Okay. Um, I just, there's something I do that I know for effect annoys listeners, which is that I will pick the book.

I'll pick the page number and then after you read it, go back and ask you what the book was again. Uh-huh. Because what happens is, but part way through you reading the joke, something dissolves in my brain where I can't, it's like, I'm trying to connect it to what the book was. And I start to doubt myself because I thought it was 101 blank and then you do this protracted thing.

And it's like, well, no, it couldn't have been. So again, I'm, I'm afraid I must ask what was the book called again? 101 ways to say, I love you. And one of them is to- That's what I thought it was. A range of roasts. And host a roast for, maybe I'm, maybe I'm picturing a different

kind of roast than what I'm- It's very specifically not a funny roast. Like it's like, yeah, just have everyone, like the roast is in quotes. Like I think they know you shouldn't have your friends like weird spirited jokes or insults. And it's just like, yeah, everyone just talk about them, which is very much not a roast.

Okay. Robert. It's my birthday. If I want you to, whoever you feel loves you the most in this world, let's say next week they invited you to a thing as a surprise. And when you arrived, you found they had, there's a long table and they had invited literally everyone in your life to go

around exchanging amusing little gentle ribs of you and your personality things. Would you find that delightful? Or the worst thing that had ever happened to you? I would never do that to myself. On a million years. Just leave it. Oh, I get it.

Oh, I get it. That's sad. But you're cute. It's just not going to be able to look cute. No, I would hate it. I would definitely hate it. I wouldn't like being the center of attention, first of all. So there's your, your first one and like, oh, it's all about me.

All right. Well, I guess I'm not having fun tonight. I guess I'm watching how I behave. And then I would find out, actually everybody would find out at the same time, what various friends of mine think it means by cute. Those are going to be some wildly, wildly varying levels in there.

We're all going to have that discovery together. Don't, and I hope no one is offended by this, but I think if you would enjoy being the subject of this gentle roasting at the, at the hands of everyone, you know, who has agreed to gather to your, your adorable roast. I think if you like that kind of thing, you're probably an asshole. You're probably the worst person anyone has ever met.

I'm going to give you an achievement for that. Secret wisdom achievement. Jason said something very right. Oh, that was built for him. I was never going to get that one. I made it up. That wasn't a pre-written one. Oh, okay.

There are no rules to this game. Can't stress that or not. So, uh, so you can't re-roll if you'd like. Um, let's, I want to try a different page out of that, out of the book to see if there, in fact, let's take the very next one, page 70 after the, the horrible roast. Hire an actor from a service, anything from a pretend gorilla to a belly dancer to deliver your message or poem

at your love's place of business. No one's been fired for receiving such a gift yet. How the fuck could she know that? Yeah, they have. The belly dancer comes to your work. Yeah. Yeah, you're getting fired. Yeah, that's an HR, at least a meeting.

I wait, what, what year was this published? Uh, 1990. One. All right. Maybe. Maybe get away with a belly dancer. I feel like belly dancer, like, is kind of a free pass. Like it's just so close to a stripper, but like there's an

air of like class to it, of like an art. I feel like in 1991, you're right. You could get away with it. I feel like you could still get away with it some places. I think that really, I've seen, I've known belly dancers where it was not an, it was not an art. There was for sure. Absolutely.

You would never accuse them of having class. That, that's more about me. That's one of those anecdotes you would tell at my terrible roast. Right. Uh, okay, I've got to say something. There's something that comes up on this show, other podcasts, other people say sometimes when they will, they will look and say, well, was that joke okay?

And then they'll say, well, the movie is in 1995. So maybe things were different back then. Let me be extremely clear. There were jokes that some very good and progressive people were telling in 2013 that now sound like they're from 1955. Things changed a great, great, great deal in the last 10 years, not 30 years, not four in the last. Going back to just the Obama years, it's, there's a radical change.

And even if you watch sitcoms from the era, the type of joke that they, that they thought was okay. Stuff has changed very, very quickly. This is why the one thing I try never to do. I know this is completely getting off subject, but occasionally they'll, there will be, they will have dug up, uh, like old tweets from somebody that are like, uh, inappropriate. And they'll say, you know, this wasn't even for that long ago.

That was, that was from, that was from 2014. It's like, no, that was a 2014 was a very long time ago in terms of the culture, in terms of what type of words people were, were using. It was for sure. That was ancient. That was a hundred years ago in internet time. What was it like? It's game arcade, right?

Like, I feel like if you could graph, like what happened, it was like, okay, this is where it splintered. Some people decided it was true. It was 2014 stuff. Yeah. Everything, everything about the nature of the comments we were getting at crack, the type of like the stuff we started editing against it. There's everything changed, but it wasn't just us.

Like there, you can look up any of the old like Gawker writers, what they were writing at the time. You don't have to go back to freaking 1986. It's 2014 was when everybody really tried to clean up. And yeah, it's a subject of another podcast. There's an article I did at crack. It was about Herculoid. I just love Herculoids.

I wrote about Herculoids and it needed a punchier title. And so whoever, somebody did, I don't know who did it, but it, they changed the title. It just took Herculoids out of the title and said, proof your grandparents' cartoons were retarded. I was looking at that title now. I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, no.

Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck was that? Totally normal. Like when I saw it at the time, like, I liked mine better, but like that's, that's the issue I had with it. And I was like, I guess this is punchier. This is.

Well, it's because, because there was, that was the time where it was like, these people that all of the game arcade was like, you, you're not even going to let me say retarded anymore. And like, can you believe this dark future? It's time to attack, like physically attack all of the women who are responsible for this. And you're like, okay, well, I don't want to be on that side. Yeah.

So I guess we have some work to do, which I, well, it was for the better. It was, it was right to do so. But yeah, that's, that's what happened is they said, pick a side you're going to understand with us or with them. I mean, all the side of people who sent fucking gorillas and belly dancers to someone's work for you're on the good side.

I don't want to be on your side, whatever side you're on with the fucking gorillas at my place of business. That's the enemy. I warned you. I warned you zero points. I think if someone sent a gorilla to my office, I'd be like, God, this is the opposite of fun. Like there's something about that on paper that,

that is like, yeah, that's fun. A gorilla comes into your office, but then you're like, Oh God, I'm, I'm probably in the middle of work. There's some poor guy. I don't know how to interact with, at least five or six minutes where I'm like, what the fuck is happening? There's also like, am I being humiliated for a prank show?

Am I, do I need to fight? Do I need to fight? I knew, I knew, do I need to fight was coming in there, but I thought it would be higher. I really thought it would be up there. Do I need to fight this? Congo has taught me so much. All of my Congo instincts are flaring.

All right, Brockway, your turn. Oh geez, I forgot we were playing a game. No, we got a fucking game where we're wrapping it up. No one has scored. I don't think anyone will. Oh hell yeah, I got four again. Okay, Bridesmaids, now give me a number. Oh God, I can't remember what I did last time if I went higher or low.

Give me, give me right down the middle. Give me, give me 50. 50. And while you're at it, make a shower cat. Oh, now we have to, okay. You, I'm not going to spend a re-roll or whatever. You have to just tell them you have to find the star of that bit. 49, liven up your bathroom with a new shower curtain,

leading to the punchline you got. And while you're at it, make a shower cap. Bridesmaids, right? You know what, I'm going to give you the extra useless achievement. You found one so dull it isn't even funny to react to. You have one re-pick. I'll use it now. If I hang on to it, I'm going to forget about it.

Give me number one. I want to know. Number one. Okay. Here's my theory. A secret theory. It's never true, but I still like to think it. And it's that number one is the joke that was so good,

they thought of that and were like, I have to make a book. You're fucking right about that. I'm waiting till you hear this. Use it as a Matador's cape. That's the one. Yeah. That's the one. You were like, can you imagine?

That's pretty good. A bowl? Yeah. All right. Because there you could think, well, it'll just keep scaling up from there. I would argue that's the darkest moment of the book, because that's when you realize this is the gold. Yep.

So it's somehow downhill from here? And that's pretty far downhill. Yeah. I would also say that invoking a bowl fight, is it like a guaranteed comedy slayer for most people? This antiquated thing where they fucking murder a cow in front of a bunch of people is not like, oh, that's funny. Some sort of metaphor for marriage?

That's a dark metaphor for marriage. I would use arrow points. That was as close to fun as we got, but not close enough. So I think we're running out of time, but Jason, let's do one more round. Roll an A. Okay. Three.

Okay, that is 101 wacky computer jokes. So let's hear the number. Well, I guess I'm almost afraid to do the same thing to see what their best was. Let's go with number three. Okay. Number three. Let's see.

What do you get when you cross a mountain goat with a computer? A mountain goat. Mountain goat with a computer. When you cross, so they're being crossed together. Oh, they're fucking. A whole lot of RAM. Oh, there you go. How do they phrase it?

Love RAM. Wow. There is an achievement. You got one of the jokes right. You get a re-pick when it's your turn. Almost got it right down to the letter. Very impressive. This is unspeakable, but as I thumb through the book,

I'm like, just like, God, fucking. Let me just read a couple of extras. This page just says this. There's no beginning to this bit. It just suddenly says this. Abe modem Lincoln. John. It's no start.

No, there's no like, hey, here's some computer presidents. Nothing just like fucking out of nowhere. John Quincy Apples. That's it. That's for the whole page. The next page, Warren G. Hard Drive. No second thing. That's it.

Three presidents. The dog is right to be angry at that. The dog is so fucking angry. Animals can hear, there's a special frequency of bad joke that animals can also hear, and it drives them insane. Okay, so Brock, your turn. And then I think this is the final one. Everyone has zero points, so if you get a point here,

you lose. Okay, number five. Okay, 101 ways to say I love you. Give me that number. Give me 43. Post a lawn sign of your love and affection. You can find one in a party store or you can make your own. Oh, what?

Oh, my God. Is that your lawn? I love my husband. And you fuck people just drive by and look at that. I would assume she was hostage or dead. I would assume she was dead and the husband killed her and is really bad at covering up. Yeah.

We're happy over here. Don't look in the basement. I am not kidnapped. Okay, I guess I'm confused again. Do these all involve doing things in public? I thought this was going to be like a non-devil thing, like give them a coupon for their favorite ice cream or whatever.

But instead, these are all like public, like put them on the spot publicly. Is it a whole book of that kind? It is a lot of like performative ways to demonstrate your love, to really like... Tells you a lot about who she is. Yeah. I don't want to judge.

I think she loves her husband than to love her husband is what the vibe I get. You're absolutely right. Exhausting. That's who she is. Yeah, that's exhausting. She is. She probably posts a lot about how perfect their family is on Facebook

while he just sits there and complains about her. I was fucking woman. He makes a lot of take my wife please jokes, but there's a darkness behind his eyes. Yeah, there's a real truth to them. This is the only time I feel you're being honest with me, Dave. What is the value then of that book to the reader? Because again, they're not going to do any of these

because they're all too difficult. I assume they're not. I assume not a single person bought this book, like paid an actor to come harass their wife or whatever at their workplace. That's not a thing that I assume has never happened. I guess I don't know what's the value in reading that. Are you just supposed to sit there and...

Because it's not funny. They're not supposed to be jokes like some of these other ones. These are suggestions for things you're not going to do. The value is you just sit there and imagine yourself doing them? I don't. I feel like these are books for very, very lazy people to give to either a different couple or as a joke to a non-romantic husband,

you'd be like, oh, here's something you could... Maybe they'll learn something from this piece of shit. I do think, for the most part, they're written by people who are very below average who don't really understand humans or romance. Probably have only fucked the one person their whole life and they just sat down and wracked their brain for cliche romantic gestures.

Go-to-x books are like that, where a thousand-word-in-ways-to-be-romantic. There's not a thing in that book that literally any person alive couldn't come up with. If someone sat down and said, I'm going to write a thousand-word things, it would be identical to that book. But before we go, Jason,

is there something you'd like to plug? Yeah, aside from the book we mentioned already, I'm Jason K. Parjan on all of the J-S-O-N-K-P-A-R-G-I-N. On all of the platforms, including TikTok, where I now have over 100,000 followers somehow and my videos have thus been viewed something like 90 million times, I think. TikTok legends?

That's enough to start a new slang. Take advantage of it. Yeah, I do want to apologize. Drag your balls. There you go. At the top of the show, I was going to come in and act like I was really mad, but I started laughing at my own turn of phrase.

They're dragging their balls over your name. I did not know my brain was going to invent that phrase until after I had said it and then laughed at my own turn of phrase, which is a thing. I do sometimes in that my wife hates and is the reason why I don't have any friends. So I went up laughing through my own thing where I was trying to be angry.

We should go back and redo it, but I would start laughing again. So yeah, but if you want to start using that, somebody's talking smack about you saying, they're putting their balls on your name. They're putting their balls over your name. They're leaving. Drag the balls on your name.

Number 76 and 101 ways to say I love you is to fill up a heart-shaped box with love slogans and give it to your love. Some examples for the creator. Come live with me and be my love. Love makes the world go round. Drag your balls across me. The craft is not trapped. It's not without.

Shit you in the hundersaw. You're on a stunder. Come on, Sean. You can't see no more. I'm still a hunder. I'm still a hunter. Frankfurt. I'm still new in New York.

I'm still a hunter. Frankfurt. I'm still a hunder. I'm still a hunter. Frankfurt. I'm still new in New York. Yeah, 9000. There's nothing so tragic as when the young die

before the old. Here at Hot Dog Space Camp, we know that all too well. A moment of silence, please, for the late Hot Dog Space Class of 2023. Three-finger Louis. Aaron Crossden. Adrien H just wanted to see the stars.

Buck. We told her that's not how it works, but she was a dreamer. Aidan Muatt. Alpha scientist Javo. UnAndy. Armando Nava worked hard, harded harder,

and they say, died the hardest. Badger. Benjamin Sironin. Bim Talzer. Brandon Garlaw. Brian Saylor was the first to suggest they steal a real rocket,

but we're trying not to place blame here. Brienne Whitney. Rockway loves the meat hilly. Still does. Barry Tumac. Cyril was the one who actually stole the rocket and it's his fault. Chad.

Chance McDermott. Chris Broward. Curious Gilaire just wanted to smell space. Devin the rogue supreme. Dean Costello. Donald Finney will never forget your tragic last words. Ghost rod in the whip!

Eric Spalding. Gela Ho deserved better than to be torn apart by space apes, but he did bring those apes up there. Greg Cunningham. Ham Bone. Haraka. Harvey Penguini's parents are suing the school,

we understand they're hurt, but exploded by asteroid is a pretty classic act of God. Pot Fart. Jaber Al-Aden died how he lived, on the moon. Jeff Haraski. We've lost

every one of our precious Johns. John Dean's family asked us to say, may he rest in the peace he hated in life. John Hector McFarlane's family asked us to say, may he rest in war. John McCammon's family asked us to say, may the bastard find no rest.

John Minkoff's family chased us off their property with a thresher. Johnny No Fun was ironically too much fun. It turns out space is not the ultimate bomb cooler. Joseph Searles will never

forget your tragic last words, which were just your own name yelled from a saddle tied to a booster rocket. Now, it may not hurt as badly as losing the Johns, but we lost all of our Joshes too. Josh Fabian,

we hope you finally found Alph. Joshua Alph Graves, if only the two of you had met in life. Josh S. We hardly knew ye. Nobody could even find a picture. Leading theories say you were an urban legend. Ken Paisley

K&M M. Jahi Chapelle Mack Miserable Matt Riley, when you enrolled you told us you wanted to die naked on a comet. We laughed at the time. Max Baroi

Michael Lair Michael Wells The school is suing Mickey Lohman's family for defamation. We are not a school full of buttholes who teach kids that rockets point down. Mike Stiles Mojo

N.D. Neil Bailey Neil Schaefer will miss your laughter most of all. It went like this. War, war, war, war war, war, war war, war, war like a horny walrus choking on a

smaller walrus is wild crazy stuff. Nekka 104 Nick Ralston Ozzy Olin Patrick Herbst, you asked in every class what would happen if you stuck it in the lunar rover.

What was the answer, Patrick? Rachel Rainbarkus Sarkovsky Sean Chase is the one who started the deadly rumor that Huffing Space got you high. Spotty Reception Super Knot had a theory that

in zero gravity, a fart could propel you forever. It's still going as far as we know. Ted H Thomas Kovatsos Timmy Lehi overdosed on freeze-dried ice cream. You can only eat four of those in a lifetime, you know.

Toasty God Tom Sikula Tommy G Waylin Russell Yassarian Yannis Ionitis, you were our best our brightest. The live feed showed you weren't that way, too.

Dr. Awkward all of your instructors said it was impossible to do a kickflip in space. They said you'd never land it without gravity. I guess? I guess? I guess the joke's on them because you're flipping forever now.