The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 12, Miami, Mona Lisa, Mud Cookies and... Murder?!

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

Seanbaby and Brockway skate up to David Bell and peer pressure him into revealing his Miami Connection. Brockway loses his Equilibrium and Seanbaby Traxx down a wanted criminal. It's Worst Movies We Still Love! You'll learn way more than you think on this one. For example: Did you know some art is good? Stay tuned for more bombshells!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone. Nine thousand. I'm TV's Sean Baby from the internet. And with me is the legendary cracked editor and handsome fellow Robert Brockway.

I am honored to be here. I'm just, I'm such a big fan. I've always dreamed of this day. Of the dog zone. Yeah. Of the dog zone. Of your work. Of my own work.

I'm just, I'm honored. Yeah, you're the best. Yeah, I know. I'm honored that you're honored. And we have another old friend from the website we just mentioned. David Bell. Hi.

I also dream of things. I dream of, this is a, this is a dream I had. Really? Yeah. Of being on the dog zone. Nine thousand. Yeah.

Of one nine hundred hot dog. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for having me. I am honored. Of course. A window into my life. I got the, the second dose of a

COVID vaccine yesterday. Oh, shit. And a lot of people are, their bodies are reacting in different ways. It's pretty, the first one was very easy going, but this last one, some, something in my

skeleton decided to fuse with all of my organs and just to create a giant dry cracker inside my body. So I got a luxurious four hours of sleep last night and I woke up in cracker form. And my sweet daughter is

turning four years old tomorrow and I built her a full size trampoline today, which is probably the worst thing I could have done. And so I'm mostly just a pile of cranky gravel right now. So if this is a terrible show,

blame COVID. All right. And my current immortality. So. Yeah. Specifically blame getting vaccinated. Yes.

I want everyone to know vaccines are dangerous. Don't do it. Yeah. Bill Gates knows exactly where I am. I don't know if we should joke about stuff like this.

No, maybe not. Maybe it's fragile territory. Just have all the vaccines. I think we all have. Don't get the cracker vaccine. The cracker vaccine is the wrong one. Yeah.

I got the bad one. Drink lots of water. That's the other thing is I haven't had a glass of water since about 2004. So that's probably my bad. Yeah. And I know a lot of our

relatives are legitimately, you know, crazy like I was joking. So I maybe, maybe it's not as funny as I wish it was. I really give myself a lot to think about. You're literally learning

something. You taught yourself a handy lesson here. And one of the things we like to do on the show, first, I get on and I complain a lot as a comedy writer. I mostly just fuss all day.

That's my job. And then we like to talk about our current projects or recent projects. So, David, do you have something fun you're working on? Something fun I'm working on.

Well, that you just did. Oh, geez. Let's see here. I just did a episode of Hypecast from my podcast network Gamefully Unemployed with a good old Jason Parjan. So it was nice, a nice brisk two

hour long episode. Yeah. You're not getting out of that one. Yeah. Here's a fun fact. I've been on that show and I know that gentleman.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. So what movie did you talk about? What was the question? What movie did you talk about? What movies? Oh, God, all of them, you know.

No, we talked about the lineup this year, like 2021, how it's filled with movies that we were supposed to see like two years ago, a year ago, like the Black Widow. But then also like the Mortal Combat movie.

And I don't know about you guys, but that's really all I need to see this year. I didn't know nothing about it. I didn't know they were making a new one. Is it a sequel or a reboot? No, it's a reboot.

It's coming out on HBO Max because, you know, nobody wants to go in theaters. It's coming out, I don't know, like April. Yeah. I don't know anything about it either.

Who's casting the, who's Liu King? I don't know. I don't know. All I know is Mortal Combat. Yeah. I think it is mostly unknowns. No, they're not going to reboot

the song. Why would they? No, that's my only condition. I'll watch your entire movie for that song. Like, like people listen to this entire podcast for our song. Oh, yeah.

Which, you know, there's, there's like a moment in some movies where you're like, OK, this is magical. And Mortal Combat Annihilation had a moment like that where ninjas were dropping from the sky on fire and you're like, this is great.

And then the two lady fighters, I think it was Malina and I can't remember. But they had a mud wrestling fight. I might have been Sonya. I can't remember. It's Sonya. I believe it's Sonya and Jax is

there as well. Yeah. And so the ladies had like a sexy mud wrestling fight, which was very much like a, hey, we don't give a shit. We're going to put this in the movie and we know what this

looks like, but we don't care. And then they, I guess they went into a cave and there was like a nice shower in there. So she came out and she was like completely free of all the mud. And I thought, this is a movie that really does not care.

They had a goal. They wanted a mud wrestling fight. They knew that would fuck up the whole movie. And they just said, no, no, just have it work out. I think Mortal Kombat Annihilation, they knew they knew what they knew

what we wanted, which is as many Mortal Combat Characters as they could jam into that movie. And they did it. There was another moment in the first one where Reptile appears and the movie stops and says Reptile.

And I thought that's fucking good choice. Fucking great movie. Yeah. I'm okay with the movie being as embarrassing as it wants as long as it doesn't equivocate. As long as it doesn't

apologize and be like, yeah, well, here's the reason we're doing an embarrassing thing. No, just do it. There's a shower in the cave. Nobody's going to question it. Who cares? Some asshole, all cranky with a

skeleton full of gravel is going to mention it. What, 30 years from now? What an asshole that guy will be. Yeah. There's another scene I love in the first movie where Liu Kang punches Shang Tsung in the face

and Shang Tsung goes, you fool. Which is just like they're in a fist fight trying to punch each other in the face. It seems exactly what he was going for. He nails it and I just love it. I love when the ending battle,

he has to like face himself and like face the enemy. And there's like three tests and one of them, the test is just the bad guy saying, I've seen your fate, you will die. And then Liu Kang just goes, no, I won't.

And then they just move on. It was like, wow. The perfect counter. How did you know? There's a puzzle element. There's a puzzle element in the first one where the magic lady says, in your next match, use

the element that brings life. Yes. Which could be any four of the elements, right? Right. It's sub zero and he stops in the middle of the fight and just fucking makes us freeze ball for

an hour and a half. And then Liu Kang finally is like, oh, I got that bucket of water, which was like left there by the magic person. The magic person could have absolutely said, hey, throw this bucket of water at him.

Like so many steps. Yeah, bucket. Okay. Yeah. I like to picture Raiden gathering that bucket, figuring out a good place to drive it, meaning like, will he spot it here?

You think it'll spot it here? This looks like a good spot. I'm just going to maybe a little you'll find it. You'll find it. There's like a fortress employees like, hey, aren't you like the Chinese god of lightning?

What are you doing with that bucket? What? What? You're up to something with that bucket. That first movie, there's there's they they joke about it where

Johnny Cage brings like a bunch of luggage. Right. But they are staying for like a week. Yeah. So it does mean that they do have like rooms, right?

And like bathrooms that they're using. And like, I don't know, whatever the equivalent of a vending machine is there. Like they don't really talk about it, but they are just like, it's like a resort.

They're staying for days. The Mortal Kombat resort. Yeah. Yeah. It's one of my favorite vacation destinations. I believe it's the sandals. Yeah, exactly.

And if you try to make a case for it being a perfect screenplay, I think you did. Like that's good character development. He's kind of a high maintenance dude. Yeah.

It lets us know that he's going to be there for a while. It's elegant writing. It's perfect. It's a perfect film. Perfect movie. I'm excited for the for the sequel, prequel, reboot, whatever you

want to call it. Here's the thing. The the the reboot is rated R and is promising to have fatalities. So that's that's the most I know is that I don't think. Yeah. I don't think it's going to take

itself seriously. But I think it's going to be. I don't know. Pretty pretty gruesome at least and fun to watch. And I think it's going to be the best thing ever. And I'm excited for it.

I also appreciate how Mortal Kombat never left the exact age group it was targeted at in 1990. Like if you play Mortal Kombat now, all the DLC characters are like Robocop and Predator and God, who else the Terminator to the T

800. It's just it's exactly for like middle aged men. Yeah. Yeah. I appreciate that. Yeah. So anyway, I love a hypecast.

It gets me maximum hype. Get you high. That's crazy. Our show. Yeah. Yeah. It's good to hear. I've been working on I've kind of

been on a kick about alien abductions and I've been sort of collecting alien abduction survival books. And the issue I'm running into is they're all exactly the same. Like they're all written by people that are obviously the same like

alien group therapy and they all sort of talk about how like space aliens come down and then they list the exact symptoms of sleep paralysis. And so you just kind of feel sad for them. We're like, oh, you guys just have

sleep paralysis with like imaginations. And and then they talk about how like assertive they are to the aliens. They're just like these really sad lonely people who are like sometimes when I tell the aliens

to fuck off, they don't take me to space. And like that that's how strong I am. So try to think. Don't touch me alien. And they'll spread that tiny sentiment out across like 250

pages along with like child like drawings of the monsters that took them to space. Anyway, I've written two on the site already. I don't think I'll ever be able to write a third one because like what else is there to say?

I just summed up every alien abductions to rebel book that will ever be. I wonder if they all know each other. Do they mention each other by name? They mention the same stories,

but not like the other authors. I haven't run into that yet. They're bound to like go to the same conventions or something, I'm sure. I've just actually been reading about cryptids because I'm working on a podcast about

cryptids, specifically the Loch Ness Monster. And that's also a hell of a hell of a history. The whole podcast is about the Loch Ness Monster. No, I'll do an episode about Loch Ness Monster.

And I looked into the history of Loch Ness Monster and it's just it's mostly people seeing eels. Like that's I think mostly what the Loch Ness Monster is. It's kind of a monster. Yeah. There was a brief period in

World War II where like the Nazis. That's the one where we bought the eels. Yeah. The Nazis claim to capture the Loch Ness Monster. And then Mussolini claim that

an Italian pilot bombed the Loch Ness Monster. So the Daily Mail put out a counter story saying, no, we have a witness here who saw that he was bombed, but he got away. So they didn't say like that's not true.

They said they yes and did the Mussolini story to add no unless he got away. So embarrassing for Mussolini. It's just not hot. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

Paranormal stuff like reading it because they're written by people who 100% believe the stories. Yes. So everything is framed from that perspective. And it's very funny what like

obvious things they are saying is like Loch Ness Monster or ghosts. And it comes really embarrassing because they all like just completely breathlessly believe anyone who comes up to them. So they'll have like, you know,

some total asshole who's just fucking with them being like, oh, yeah, aliens took me, but I like punched one in the face and they'll be like, so this this is proof that you can punch aliens and get away. Yeah.

One weakness. And they came to the one planet absolutely full 80% punches to the face. Right. It's like the movie signs where their weakness was water. Like the their actual weaknesses

punches to the face and they came to the planet filled with punches. Let me tell you why I love signs so much early in the movie. Mel Gibson's wife. This is a lot of spoilers if you haven't seen the two thousand

signs. So wife gets like smashed in half by some train or something. Yeah. And he's hanging out and they know she's going to die. Like, dude, as soon as they pull

this off you, you're going to fall in half and just you're gone. And so she's like, tell our son to swing away. And he's like, whatever. She's like, oh, what a chittering madman just saying

crazy shit while she dies. But then later all of these like planned payoffs come together so that an alien is like standing next to a glass of water because the little girl leaves glasses of water everywhere. And then here comes his son

right next to a baseball bat. And he's like, oh my God, swing away. This is it. So he grabs the baseball bat and hits the alien with baseball bat. He hits the water and then

that's how they figured out which but I love it because I feel like you don't need to saw like a woman in half to think of like hitting an alien with a baseball bat. But like it's very clear that God chose to murder his wife to

give him that hot tip. Yep. And well, you know, you remember who plays the guy who sought his wife in half with a car, right? It's M Night Shyamalan. He plays God.

Well, he's the guy who drove the car. So he is God. He was God. He's basically God in every one of these movies. Yeah. Yeah.

There's another theory. Let's talk about M Night Shyamalan for a minute because there's another one where they're all trapped in an elevator except one of them is the devil. Right. And my favorite.

There's like my favorite elevator pitch. Yes. It's great. Robert. I was going to say where the fuck is Glick for that? Come on.

So they're in there and one of the guys is Mexican. And so he's like, oh, I know what this is. Sometimes the devil will show up at an elevator and it's just like that's what you have to deal with.

We have a story and we have a fable of people about the devil in an elevator. Right. Right. Well, that's what we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about

the devil in an elevator. Right. Right. What I love about that is like Mexico is right next door. Like we all have multiple Mexican people in our life and, you know, we learn Spanish in

school. This is not a wild exotic location where they're like, oh yeah, these crazy people have these these customs where the devil shows up in elevators. It's like, no, no, no. We know this is make believe.

We could just ask. When you grew up across the border, did you ever have any devils in your elevators? No. No. No. No.

No. Yeah. We've got elevators. That's what I love about it. Oh, you did, devil? Oh, every single one. Oh, all right. It's like a rule for horror

movies, right? You just have a character like that, and if they have an accent, then we're like, well, I guess they know what they're talking about. It's a Native American, of course they have some sort of magic

power. Yeah. You know. Wouldn't it be great if there's a Native American in my respectful scenario and he was a total dipshit, wouldn't you love to see that just once?

You ever see the Chupacabra episode of X-Files? Because that begins with, it's just about a guy with a like skin disease. And because at the very beginning, Mulder talks to an old woman who uses the word Chupacabra for the rest of the episode. Mulder is just referring to this guy as Chupacabra. And that's the episode.

Like the Chupacabra episode of the X-Files is just a guy who happens to be Mexican. So Mulder is calling him Chupacabra. He's like, agent, I just have like psoriasis. You've got to leave me alone. Yeah, he's got stuff coming. This is so racist, Mulder, even by this lens of the 90s. This is very racist.

Yeah, it's like a fungal disease that kills other people. Like it is a hazard, but it has nothing to do with the Chupacabra. It is the Chupacabra. Yeah. That's what we call that disease. My name's Larry. I'm like ninth generation, dude.

Yeah. I don't even speak Spanish. From Long Beach. Anyway, so the devil lives in elevators. Yeah. Ask your local Latinos to tell you more. Any Latino. Don't even preface it.

Just be like, so how about that elevator devil? Have you seen that guy? Preferably bring it up in an elevator, right? Right. Just accuse them of being, if there's only one other person and you know you're not the devil, you have to be sure you're not the devil.

Right. And then the other guy's got to be the devil. Elevator. And you say it like this. You say, con permiso, hay muchos diablos en este elevador. Probably. I don't think that's right. Elevator.

They'll get it. They'll know what you mean because you'll be in the elevator. Yeah. Yeah. Just point it all around you. They'll say, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah.

They'll know. No, they'll be like, oh, you saw that movie. Yeah. Our secret's out. Right. Son of a bitch. Best part is when he drops the toast. Doesn't he drop toast

and it like lands butter side down and he's like, see the devil's here. By the way, that's not, that's not proof. That's by M. Night Shyamalan. That one was like produced. Yeah, and wrote it. Right. His true strength.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's what you want. I think one of you six people is the devil, but I need to be sure. Does anyone have any butter? You did bring toast on the elevator. Oh, good.

What a coincidence. If you butter a cat on the back, that will make the cat levitate if I, if I'm understanding the physics right. Because the cat will always shed on its feet, but your toast always lands butter side down. So the universe can't decide what to do with it. Listen, I don't have the range to do

a Jiminy Glick impression. So you're going to have to Glick yourself. That's very cute of the other cat. That's what they're about to do. How did we do it? Brockway, what are you working on these days? I am working mostly on healing my broken goddamn shoulder. What'd you do?

It's not broken. It's just falling apart on me. I have no idea what I did, but it stopped working. Now it makes a horrendous sound when I move it, which it turns out since I'm on the computer, like 14 hours a day, basically all I do is move my shoulder. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you like pull ups? What you want to do is do some pull ups. Before you do the pull up, eat like a large pizza and that'll increase your weight, make pull ups a little more effective. That makes a lot of sense to me. This is the first diet that's really speaking to me.

I know, aside from that, I've been doing a lot of research for stuff that I really hope I can one day get to. And I bought the Infernal Dictionary, which is a book of demonology, that's supposed to lead the book on demonology full of illustrations from like the 1800s. That is dumb as shit.

It is dumb as shit. Somebody pointed it to me from our Discord, who is fantastic, even though I do not have who it was right in front of me right now. Well, thank you. We'll fill in that name in post, I'm sure. And so are there like stuff that,

are there things you can actually do? I guess that's what I love about magic books is when they say like, oh, here's a potion that will do this. And you can just test it at home and like prove magic is fake. You know what I mean? No, it does my favorite thing where it's just cocktails.

It's just gaming characters. So it's like 150 pages of just a list of every demon and what they do and what they look like. And so I am putting together a 13 crappiest demons in the spirit of your 13 crappiest dinosaurs. I saw that in our spreadsheet. Yeah, introduce you to my best friends here. This is Orcus, he loves tuna sandwiches.

That is not very far off. I just opened it at random to Malthus who is a crow in trousers and he carries like a spade, like he's gonna lay some bricks. His name's Malthus. So if I see a crow in trousers, I'll know that that's a demon.

That's a demon. He's the great president of the underworld. That's a crow in trousers. It could just be a crow looking for work or something like that though. That's pretty much what he is. The sound of his voice is horse. I saw Blue Jane trousers

and he said he was city control in this world. No, that doesn't count. That's probably- That's a cute little joke I made about, what do you wanna say? That's probably just a Blue Jane. He's not in here. But this crow gives familiars. He receives sacrifices and he deceives priests.

I mean, everybody receives sacrifices, right? But he deceives priests. He tricks them. Tells them like the wrong directions when they ask how to get to the present yogurt joint. He taps on their shoulder and he's on the other side of them. So they look the wrong way.

And that's what made him- He confesses his sins and then he's like, just kidding. That's what made him a great leader of the underworld of hell is lately deceiving priests- Democratically elected. And having some bricklaying experience. Right.

And I imagine that's a very long term you serve as like a president in the underworld. It's probably not like a four year term. I feel like it's one of those things where- I mean, you have to update the book a lot, right? Where everybody is special. Every demon is like, oh, he's a great king in the underworld.

Oh, this guy, he's a true king in the underworld. This guy's a real king in the underworld just because there's so many shitting demons. And you don't want them to feel bad. They're already in hell. It's like, this is rough enough for them. And if they can't mess you up, they probably at least know somebody who could.

So you don't want to offend them. Yeah, there's one guy- Like this crow's not gonna do shit to you, but like, crow might know somebody. Yeah. Is there like a go for me where we can like send some baby blood to like cheer him up?

To cheer up the crow? Yeah. To cheer up Malthus or his vice president, whoever. I really don't know. I feel kind of bad for these demons. You should. Like they don't have a lot going for them. One guy, he just invented frying.

And I guess that's what makes him a demon. Frying? I think it makes him really nice. Like deep frying. Yeah, that sounds like it makes him an angel. No, apparently straight to hell. If you fry something straight to hell. And then you meet Bill Fry or whatever.

Right. God, that's the thing, you go to hell and you're like, what did I do? And they're like, it's frying. Yeah, you shouldn't have- Really? Did you not know? It was named after Fry, the demon fry.

It's like one of the only like three things people go to hell for too. And everybody does it. There's so many rules to stay out of hell. Yeah. Well, apparently it's not that bad if this book is by any indicator, you can safely take, I want to say,

89% of the demons in hell. And if you safely just whip the holy shit out of 89% of the demons down there, I'm going to bet the remaining 11, they don't come after you so much. Yeah. Well. Yeah, they've got too many to deal with.

I feel better about my chances than I'm going to go make some french fries tonight. I'm going straight to hell, you guys. Guaranteed, I'm going to work on it. Oh yeah, we're all going. Same with the people listening. They didn't like we're just by association. We're dragging them all down with us, right?

I told you about frying that day. That was it. See you in hell. Yes. I was just going to do the rest of the podcast backwards. Nice. I mean, I just been working on my demons this all. Cool.

Well, I look forward to reading that. Because I love the supernatural books, like just kind of written down as a matter of fact stuff. So you can just understand like the political workings of the underworld. And I just love how it only takes one or two details before you just suddenly like, what the fuck? This is so stupid and ridiculous.

And when they're when they're old like this one, and it's like two or three hundred years old because the bar has moved so far on what is frightening. They're just like, look at this owl. He's he's got like he's got like a sloth head. Also, is the only like qualification of this book is that it's old? Like who wrote it?

Do they have some sort of experience with demons? Or is it just someone from a long time ago? And so we're like, well, it's probably correct because apparently written by Colin Diplancy, who does not inspire no demonology expertise. But Colin this book of demons. That was the original author. This version has been edited together by Diableto Ordo Al Ghul.

See, that's a demon name. That guy knows his demons. That is a demon guy. Yeah, that sounds like some ninth gate shit. That makes me feel better. That sounds like one of my high school goth girlfriends friend that really doesn't like me for dating his goth friend.

Yeah. Now, it's crazy. Did your shoulders start hurting after you started fucking around with this demon book? I did. I bought the demon book and I hadn't read it. And then my shoulders started giving me problems and it forced me. It forced me to read the demon book. Yeah, this is already more evidence than I've seen in 25 alien abduction survival guides.

Just yeah, hell's a little bit of solid. So what you want to do is you want to take that book to your backyard, bury it at least 12 inches deep. Yeah. And you know, rub some coconut shavings on top and that'll make the book fall in love with you. And then I think you just ask it to leave you alone. You got to eat it, right? Two. I feel like you got that's a book you want to eat.

You just put coconut on it. Sounds pretty good. Yeah, it sounds delicious. Be ashamed to waste. All right. So problem solved. Yeah. Great job. So the actual thing we're working on today. Oh, right. We're doing a podcast. Rockway to hell. We are doing a podcast.

We're going to talk about terrible movies that we love, like movies that are crowd pleasers when you like show them to your friends. They're objectively obviously bad, but somehow lovable. And we've each brought our own example. So, David, would you like to share yours first? Yeah, I don't think this is an obviously bad movie when I brought in. Well, then you fucked up the whole premise. Yeah, I want to talk about I want to talk about the movie Miami Connection.

Oh, see, that's a fucking sweet. I didn't know you were bringing that. I like that movie. That's a great it's a great movie. It's got it's known for being bad. But I don't think I really don't think it's that bad. It's this is all right. For people who don't know, this is a movie from 1987 by Y.K. Kim, who, I believe, owned a series of like

karate like studios. And he met someone named Richard Park or Park Woo Sang, and they both decided to make a movie about Taekwondo together. They filmed it in Central Florida for a million dollars. And that's a million dollars. That's that's the like estimated budget from the Internet. Who knows, like, you know, who knows what it actually cost. And it bombed and it was forgotten for a very long time

until a programmer from the Alamo Draft House founded on eBay for $50. Just found the like the copy of the film, watched it. And Draft House basically went to Y.K. Kim and was like, can we release this? And we came kind of a cult classic. There was a riff tracks on it. But I don't know. I just think this movie rocks.

It's I think of this movie as sort of the the anti room where or the room like it's like Tommy Wiseau made the room from being just like a grating individual and wearing people down. Y.K. Kim, from what I can tell from the making of this, was able to do a lot of stuff cheap and get a lot of actors on because he was just really well liked around Orlando. So it's it's just such a positive movie. It's about friendship and family.

It's about awesome fucking. Well, yeah, it's about an awesome band, Dragon Sound, who I would legit watch like I would legit go see Dragon Sound. The music in general is really good. I don't know if you guys have watched it recently, but the music is fucking great. And it's they're just very wholesome and friendly. And then at the end, it's like a fucking trauma film

where they just murder ninjas. And it's just so bloody. And so like the overall. It's it's just like we're friends. We're having a great time. But if you fuck with us, we will tear you in half. We are Dragon Sound, and that's the movie. Very close to Bakarubonze.

That's almost a plot of Bakarubonze. Yeah, I would say the the the the weakness of this movie is that it's not shot particularly well. But like the broad strokes is it's fucking great. The gangs, the gangs are dressed like they're in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, like cartoon universe. Right. It's just beautiful fucking 80s gangs.

Yes, it just like in my brain, I always mix it up with the anti-Sidaris movies and which has a similar theme of just people getting together and saying, like, what would be the most fun movie we could make? Yeah. And that's I guess that's what I like about it. And no decade, no decade was more terrified of gangs and no decade portrayed gangs as looking like such good fun in the 80s.

We're terrified of gang violence, but look at what a good time they're having. Some of the gang members in this, you remember the guy who looks like Kid Rock and he has like a belly shirt. Not really. He's amazing. Yeah, there was I don't know if I don't know who took the initiative, but a lot of the the thugs in this are really making it like making it count.

I mean, like they seem to know 1987. It's very possible. They just went on the street and just said, you are perfect in every way as a human, but also for this movie. Don't change anything. Just stand here and say ninjas. Yeah. Do you have a gang of people dressed exactly like you who have the same hobbies and you've made a whole persona about it,

maybe baseball or yeah, it's called the bus stop. Yeah, yeah, I can't recommend this movie enough. The again, the wholesomeness of the fact that they they they sing about friendship and it's all about how they want to do a tour to all the countries they're from like and teach Taekwondo to like the locals and stuff like that. Like there's there it's I would love it if instead of a merch table after you saw show like you'd go to the corner and like they have some mats laid out

and they would teach you some sweet drummers going to teach you how to do a spin kick. Yeah, they do this for a big kick. There are so many guitar solos in that movie, and that's really my only metric for a good movie is how many guitar solos are there. And I feel like there's if there's not a guitar solo happening right now, then you can see it in the character's eyes that there is going to be a guitar solo soon. You just know there's only there's only two songs.

The friend the Friends Forever song and Against the Ninja. So they have a song about being best friends and songs about beating up ninjas. You can look up the soundtrack online if you just want to listen to the songs, which is how you described the movie. You're like, this is a movie about best friends fighting ninjas. Yep. And the the actors wrote the songs. As far as I can tell, the songs were written by the people who are performing them in the movie, who are also doing Taekwondo in the movie.

Triple threat. That's what you call it. Yeah, that's talent. Yeah, it's just it brings me so much joy. Also, eighty four minutes can't stress enough how great that is. Lost are the circumstances under 90. Yeah, yeah. What what's an occasion you think this movie would be perfect for? I mean, this is this is a good getting together with friends.

I recently showed this to Tom Reiman, who had never seen it before, and he was fucking delighted because it really it's from being to end. It's also it's it's it's not on purpose, but it's a hilariously efficient film. Like when a scene ends, they just cut away. When they don't need the music anymore, they just fade it out real quick. They just get right to the point. Yeah. There's no there's no scene that feels unnecessary,

even the scene where they all just go to the beach to ogle women. And then nothing happens. It doesn't matter. It's it's a delightful. It's it's it's a perfect movie. I would say this isn't a party movie. I think this is a watching with a few close friends who hadn't seen to be for you just have to you just stare at their face and you bring them in and you form an intense emotional bond that can never be broken.

The they sandwich it. This movie with just tremendous violence. And that's also what I love about it is that the very first scene, the only scene that takes place in Miami is like a cocaine deal where a motorcycle riding gang of ninjas shows up and like a guy gets his arm cut off. A guy gets like ninja started in the face. Nice.

And it's very fast and violent. And then we do we like for most of the movie, we follow just the band. And then the final fight, it suddenly just gets just as violent. Like heads get chopped off. And I don't know, there's something about that that's it escalates perfectly. It starts with this little promise of like, there's going to be horrific violence in this movie. And then that keeps people around watching.

And then by the time we get like, it's something like 10 minutes in, we hear the band play and we know what we're in for at that point. So if someone gets hit with a throwing star on the face, like early in the movie, that's that lets the audience know, oh, no, don't look at your phone during this movie because this is happening. Exactly. And then it takes a while to get back to that level of violence. But in that journey, you you fall in love with a whole other thing.

Like you fall in love. Like I think what what's kind of amazing about this movie is that I pay attention to like the dialogue scenes. And most bad movies, the moment someone's talking for more than a minute, I get really distracted by that. But they have they give one of the characters a entire monologue about how he never met his father and he's crying. And they just stay on a shot of him and you can't look away from that shit.

They're not great actors. None of them are good actors, but they seem like nice people. Do you think it was off script? Do you think like one of the actors just like said, guys, we got to cut? No, because it completes. It completes the arc, though, because he's the character. He goes to the hospital, the inspoilers and meets his father. I don't want to spoil Miami.

You think that was off script? You think that was improv? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was it was like, what are you doing? Why are you dressed like this? I'm dying, son. They're the best. There is an off script moment, which is that there's two cops in it

and they just got real cops. And one of the cops was so nervous to be on camera that he wasn't paying attention to where his gun was pointed. So in his scene, he points his gun directly at his partner's heart. It's it's amazing. You just do the scene and he's Do you know which Fred Williamson movies? Because who Fred Williamson?

He was in he's a big black guy from Dusk Till Dawn is like the one we you almost certainly seen him in. Anyway, he has this. He did a lot of exploitation films. Most of the names I literally can't say out loud without causing a hate crime. But he would just he had this production company would go to Italy and just like shoot fucking guerrilla style. And so all the extras are looking directly into the camera in every single scene.

Oh, yeah. And they're fantastic. So next time you're looking for some bad movies, just just check out Fred Williamson. One of the ones without the N word in it. And I think everyone will have a nice time. Definitely check it out. There's a there's part of that in Miami Connection because they have a group of bikers and they just got a bunch of bikers from Central Florida, gave them a bunch of beer and they agreed to be filmed for it.

So there's scenes where they're yeah, and they're just like mooning the camera for the sequence because they don't give a shit that it's a movie. And yet it works. It works perfectly. This movie just works. I think Mortal Kombat Annihilation would be better if a few of the extras moved the camera. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think the key to making a good movie is to not really give a shit that it's a movie. Yeah, I really. Well, what I think really it's what really shows in this movie is passion. And it really seems like and, you know, maybe I'm wrong. But from everything I can tell, everybody involved in the movie enjoyed making it and was just having a great time and genuinely seemed to like each other. And that's why I think it's like the anti the room because it's just birthed from joy.

Yeah, the real struggle. You can feel the. Yeah, the once you get to like the fifth sex scene. Yeah, yeah. It's it's it's real bummer. So I I don't know that's a. I think that's great for this movie. It's it was beautiful pitch.

It was hard when you asked me. I you know, I was torn because I was thinking of doing the core, which I could also talk endlessly about. I do you liked the core. Yeah, but I can't really the reason I went with Miami Connection over the core is the core is more of an ironic enjoyment. Sure. Miami Connection is like genuine enjoyment.

I do feel like the core also did at least they committed. Like they committed to not giving a shit about physics. Yeah, I signed about any coherent logic. They were just like, look, this is what's happening. We're taking a train through the earth. Like, you know what? That's just that's it. It was right off.

It was at the very end of those Emmerich like disaster movies. The core was like trailing the caboose. Like us too. And everybody was like, no, we're good. The core like consult with the seventh grader. They're just like, you think this would work? I'm not calling anyone. We're we're filming it.

We're just doing it. Yeah. I'm right. Today. Best part of the core is when Aaron Eckhart has to explain what's going to happen to the earth to a bunch of scientists and they do the scene where the scientist has to explain it. So they did like, you know how they always do the thing where

like an Armageddon, he's like, imagine a fist with a firework in it in this one. He took a peach and he holds it up and goes, this is the earth and then takes an aerosol can and just flames this peach and everybody just goes, oh, I get it. Like they needed. Yeah. Like they needed that to understand what was going to happen

to the earth. It's an incredible scene. It's going to grill us like a peach makes perfect sense. Yeah. Yeah. Like when you flamethrower a peach. Yeah. I get it.

I actually like that. Well, you're talking about how like you ironically love a movie, but I think that's the appeal of bad movies is that you can love them in a lot of different ways. And so my, yeah, my argument is that Miami connection is not a bad movie. It is a it is a movie that has poor quality. It was not done by professionals.

Okay. But I think it's a movie with heart and that brings joy and is at least the music is genuinely good. The music. If the intent is good. Yeah. I always, my thing is if they're trying, if they try the worst thing in the world to me is a movie that's just like cynical or

like mediocre and like doesn't seem to be giving a shit. Miami connection, I think is trying really hard to be awesome and succeeds in a lot of points. They know they're doing a lot of the like they do a lot of the Jackie Chan formula. The I don't want any trouble situation where they keep putting them in a situation where goons show up and they're like, we're going to get you.

And they like they, they understand what needs to happen for this to be a good movie. They just they didn't. I think they were a little, you know, limited in their resources. And so they couldn't fully realize Miami connection. But they did their goddamn best. And I don't know. I think they YK Kim deserves to get.

I don't know at least a billion dollars for a remake. That seems reasonable. He made that happen. Yeah, here's what we do. We go to we get whatever they're given James Cameron. We take that away from him and we hand it over to YK Kim and have him make another Miami connection. I love it.

Yeah. He's still making the Avatar movies, huh? Yeah. And I can't even imagine a person that gives a shit about that. I can't even conduct like an imaginary person in my head. Yeah. I would argue that Miami connection is a better film than Avatar. If you had to put the two movies side to side and pick one to

entertain yourself for an evening, you pick Miami connection. Well, I remember Miami connection. I've seen. Yeah. Could not tell you anything about Avatar. Yeah. That is that amazing thing about. I feel like we've said this before, but it is astonishing how how

how many people saw that movie and how important it was for just a brief moment of time and no one has ever like had a conversation about it. This is the longest I've talked about Avatar. Yeah, because it's nobody's mentioned it in like 20 years or however long it's been. It's such a mediocre film. Speaking of movies, no, he's mentioned in over 20 years.

I think Brockway's movie. Yeah, exactly that. Oh, is it time for equilibrium? Yeah. Transition into equilibrium. Has been roughly 20 years and I think it's it's about time we revisit equilibrium because I do love it and I don't know it's it's at least partially ironic.

But it's not entirely ironic. I get a genuine enjoyment out of how seriously that movie takes itself. Equilibrium to sum up. I guess let me interrupt for a second. It sort of reminds me of cool as ice by vanilla ice where there was like this very fleeting idea of what was cool and they're like, this is cool, but it's not going to be cool for like fucking

eight more minutes. We've got to like make this movie right now. And then yeah, the matrix came out right. It was after the matrix. But before the third matrix, I think. Yeah, 2002. I think it was before we were like, fuck the matrix. That happened real quick after the third movie.

Yeah, that's true. So it was still in that he hit in that sweet spot when like you could still sell a movie by saying this is like the matrix but and then whatever bullshit and it it couldn't happen. Yeah, you're right. It couldn't have happened any earlier because it needed the matrix to show somebody that this dumb shit could be successful. Couldn't happen any later because we were all over it by like

2003 and it's just it's so goofy and it's so ridiculous. And no movie knows that they're goofy and ridiculous less than equilibrium. If you laughed at equilibrium, the equilibrium just what do you not get what we're saying? You don't get what we're putting down here. This movie is also the height of the gun kata craze, which I believe started started with equilibrium and ended with

equilibrium. Yeah, exactly around there. Yeah. Well, if anybody if anybody hasn't seen it equilibrium real quick, it's just Fahrenheit 451 with like a little bit of Brave New World only instead of like burning books, it's just like having emotions. Yeah, that's it.

That's your twist is like, what if instead of burning books, they were burning like emotions and that's all Hollywood needed to be like, Oh, right. Okay. And there are trench coats. Yeah. Yeah, there are trench coats spinning and twirling trench coats.

And somebody somebody does something in slow motion. Everybody's in slow motion. Everybody. It's great. Right. Here's $800 million or however much money you got. But he invented gun kata, which is the best part. It's the best part of equilibrium is the extremely stupid

martial art based on posing really cool with guns. Yeah. The guns don't they have like something on the on the guns that you like that like come out and you're supposed to like hit each other with it or something. They do have little tiny nubbins that I never got the point of the pop out of the pop out of the bottom. But mostly gun kata is it's about supposedly it's about

statistical analysis that like we've analyzed where the most common angles people shoot you from and how you can stand so they can't hit you. And then the poses that you can do to guarantee you hit them. And it makes the loftiest promises like you will become 120 percent better killer than what you are. I believe that's actually a quote in the movie. Right.

It's sort of the natural progression of traditional martial arts. Right. Like if you look at an old martial arts book they have these katas where you're like high block cross block. Turn to the right. Do a punch. And what if you did that with guns.

Right. Like it feels like where was this movie before like someone had to have come up with that with swords and clubs and whatever throwing stars. But I mean there were other sword katas and all that stuff there for weapons. This guy was just the first to go what if you held guns and did that.

Right. It was like well if you were holding guns you wouldn't need to do that. No but what if what if you did it anyway. And I love how there's so little application of it. Right. Other than just like oh it's a choreographed gunfight but it's like that's already what a gunfight in a movie is.

So there's little things like he'll put the clip on the ground it before the gunfight and then as the gunfights going he'll like slam his gun onto the floor to like put the clip in. Right. And you just just put the clip in. At the beginning. Sure. Like there's no need.

But it feels like that's the only the only application of this thing is to just really hammer home that this guy is he planned this choreography before the bad guy showed up. Right. And you have to generally inconvenience yourself. Yeah it's all it's very inconvenient to everybody involved. It's just a lot of posing awkwardly a lot of stretching like light stretching but with guns which is why it makes me so

happy that Kurt Wimmer invented it. It wasn't you know something from the movie. I found an interview with him where he talks about how he invented it in his backyard and that just. When he was seven. No like before he was making the movie it makes me so happy to picture it. Yeah.

Like all of his neighbors try not like what the fuck is he doing. Because if you watch them practicing their practice scenes in the movie of like these elite warriors practicing guncotta without you know actually killing. Yeah. They don't have fake guns. They make gunfingers.

They make pistol fingers. Like. They make pistol fingers while they're doing it. So you know Kurt Wimmer was in his backyard making pistol fingers. I hope because the alternative is he's swinging guns around in his backyard. Yeah.

You would hope he's in like 10 feet of his neighbors. And then he saw that the actors do it and he says oh thank god I was worried I'd looked fucking lame when I did this in my backyard. This looks awesome. Yeah. He was so proud of it. He came to the stunt coordinator for the movie and

demanded like they work together. And so he's credited as like hybrid style. Like the guncotta they do in equilibrium is a hybrid between Kurt Wimmer's original vision and the stunt choreographer. And he has a story of he has this quote here. I came to him with the guncotta and I remember I remember that I demonstrated to him the guncotta.

And I said this is how you do it. This is what I want to do and this is how it works. And everybody looked at me like I was really fucking crazy and I felt really silly doing it. But I have to say I didn't show it. Wow. You know what you know how like ballsy it is to invent a martial art show it to a guy who probably

really knows the martial arts. It would be like this is how it works. It's like inventing a language where it's like this better be really good because we already have too many of these. So like this better bring something to the table. Otherwise no we're not going to use it. And guncotta is the most useless martial art.

You know I have a lot of videos that it's just bikini ladies shooting guns and they don't really do anything. They just like shoot the gun at a target sometimes it's not even on the screen. Yeah it could be battle voking the whole time. They did guncotta I feel like that would be better in every direction.

Yeah bikini guncotta is where you should have taken that card. It's my favorite that he invented that but I think guncotta is clearly. I'm saying a porno parody of this could be really good. Maybe not really good but better. 20 years later when nobody remembers it. That's my pitch.

Oh of equilibrium. Right. What was the name? No just guncotta. Oh. It would be. It would be ecoclibrium. Yeah guncotta.

Equilibricum. Equilibricum. Equilibricum. Equilibricum. Equilibricum. That's it. That's it. Oh I got clicked again.

It's a two-click podcast for me. Yeah. Well like clearly everybody's favorite part of this movie is how dumb guncotta is. And my favorite part of the making of it is how just in earnest Kurt Wimmer was about it. About how he made it up in his backyard and he showed everybody like a proud second reader.

There's also. It's just it makes my life. In the same way there was an influx of we're doing the matrix. There's that influx of we're going to do dystopian worlds. And that is they get so funny. Like I do remember in this one don't they like

like light the Mona Lisa on fire. Like you're not supposed to have like art. Yeah they said it they had somebody like test it like it was cocaine. Like he comes out and he takes a little scratch. It's real. Yeah. And then it's just a real Mona Lisa.

Also it wasn't because it's like a huge on the Mona Lisa is tiny which anybody could look that up. Even in 2002 you could look that up. You could google it. Or I guess. I'll tell you. Right.

Yeah. It's so funny because he made this he made this movie to be about art. Like it was about he has this whole long quote that I'm not going to get into the whole thing. I just sum it up. Kurt Wimmer went to art school and he got really mad because everybody there had said that they

were an artist and they could make art. He was like not only famous people from history books make art and after you do it good enough people call you an artist and everybody that's what he believed. Is that what he still believes. This movie every single person that goes to art school is that self important and they are

trained to think stupid shit like that because there's an entire ecosystem of ideas that clash where they're like oh everything is art. You could put a snow shovel up against the wall and that's art versus someone who's like no no no art has to be accepted by the masses as art and have years and years. So that is it shows that he's kind of weak willed

that he got out of art school still thinking shit like that because yeah I'm saying I've heard that almost word for word 10 different times. He talks about how he had an open contempt for art for years after that because these artists called themselves artists and they didn't wait for history to do it but then he started writing

the Thomas Crown affair and to do that he had to visit a lot of museums for research and stuff and his exact quote is I went to a lot of museums and I was just blown away by how good some of the stuff in there was. That dig up. That dig up can really paint. Have you seen Kurt Weber?

You should see him. He looks like a guy that would say this he was born in Hawaii he's just this utter he's a himbo he's just a beautiful idiot and he means so well. Oh my god I'm looking at a picture. He means so well and like these are the deep thoughts that guy would have and so he made

this movie to be like to try to tell the world everybody can like art. Did you know that? Did you know that everybody even you could like you could go to a museum and look at art. Man I hate to like it so he's just a white guy with money right that's what I'm seeing

here. He's a beautiful white idiot with money from Hawaii. Yeah he white guide his way to the top because he hasn't had to think like critically a day in his life and he's made several movies here. Why would he think critically?

After the critics tore apart this movie because of course they tore apart this movie. He responded in an interview why would I make a movie for someone I wouldn't want to hang out with? Have you ever met a critic you wanted to party with?

It's fair. I haven't met a critic I wanted to party with. So this guy is I'm looking at the things he's written he also wrote salt he also wrote the total recall and point break remakes. So a lot of things are yeah a lot of

things are coming together here of like you ever find a writer like this and then you're like oh this is what's wrong with Hollywood. It's like it's like six people you can like boil it down. Yeah this guy is a real and then of course he wrote and directed ultraviolet

another one of my favorites. Oh god it's so now there's no earnest goodness. I believe there is earnest goodness in equilibrium because it's because it's this beautiful idiot having what he thinks is his one good idea and he's very earnestly trying to communicate

that to you that like art is okay art is alright. That's what this movie with gun caught and shooting everything was about was that art's alright dude there's some good stuff. Don't destroy painting. Enjoy paintings.

And like a dumb asshole. I like that he got to make a movie about the one important realization he had in his life and it just I don't know. Art is good. Yeah just him going to a museum and being like wow these painters can really have you seen museums they got some good

stuff in there. Meaning to check it out. Let me close this out with this is an old interview so clearly it has not come to pass but the IGN asked him what's one project you've always wanted to do but just aren't able to and he said I have a prohibitively big budgeted film about

dolphins I'd like to do one day. Oh I'd like him to do that too. I want that movie so badly. I don't know what it is. I mean it would just be CG right? Does he need to train the dolphins? It has to be live action dolphins? Prohibitively big budgeted film about dolphins.

He just needs to kill a lot of dolphins I imagine. Those are expensive permits. Just like horses back in cowboy movies. Just going to have like a truck to haul him away. One final thing about this movie or one more thing is this is a Christian Bale

film and like I always forget this about Christian Bale. Have you noticed that he has range just in playing sociopaths? Like he can play like six different types of sociopaths of emotionless characters. I mean it's generally what he plays is very serious people but this is yet

another like he's supposed to have no emotions and it's right in the sweet spot it's after American Psycho right but it's before Batman where he's just sort of like he's doing shit like this in Rain of Fire. Rain of Fire? Yeah.

None of us picked Rain of Fire? Oh shit I should have brought Rain of Fire. Well that's a good movie guys. That's just a good movie. That's an entire movie based around a dumb idea. I guess that's a lot like equilibrium in that way where someone's like what if you were skydiving and had to fight a dragon

they're like all right I think I can make I think I can create an entire world with that one stupid thing you just said makes sense yeah and they didn't they didn't quite get there but but that's what they tried. David have you seen the movie I brought do you know what movie I'm bringing?

Tracks? Yeah have you watched Tracks? I watched it today for the first time. So tell me your first impressions of Tracks. Well motherfucker looks like Buffalo Bill. And I he's the the first scene really you know it really grabs you. This is the this is I assume 80s mid 80s

I'm guessing like it's like that real Reagan shit and like real like right it this is this is death wish but apparently not racist because they like make a note that he's multi he's killing like every every race. If you kill one from every race specifically that is the definition of not racist.

And you get a free milkshake. But they immediately they immediately established that it's a taking scum off the streets guns are great movie by the first scene where he skateboards into a building into a pet shop. Yeah that sounds right where a man with struggling with mental health issues

puts down his gun and he hands him his gun back so he can kill him. Yep. And the guy commits suicide by tracks. Suicide by tracks. Suicide by tracks. Suicide by tracks. He's an ex cop according to the box

but it doesn't really make that clear in the movie in the movie. He's a town tamer. I know if you got a problem if you got some problems with some maniacs. Right. You send them to tracks. Yeah.

If you got a problem maniacs call tracks. Yeah. Let me read the back of the box here. It says tracks is a mercenary ex cop who knows nothing about the law but everything about justice. He's tried El Salvador Lebanon Afghanistan but something keeps drawing him home.

The smell of fresh baked cookies tracks dreams of starting his own cookie business but faces two problems. He can't raise the money and he's the world's worst cookie maker. To raise the cash he returns to the one thing he does know about. Gang busting for fun and profit.

Taking on Capone clone Aldo Pellucci almost single-handedly demolishing an empire built on drug running, murder and prostitution. The cookies on the other hand aren't going so well. So it's a vehicle for shadow students. The scene where it makes the cookies

it looks like fucking silent hell. Yeah. Like it's, I've never seen, like he lights the kitchen on fire. Yeah. It's just completely covered in like glop. Yeah.

And then it's, he moves to the woods and the movie, I don't think makes it clear why but I think he's like in hiding from the bad, he doesn't want the bad guys to know where he is. Right. It's like he's like camping base and so he continues making cookies like

over and over on fire which doesn't help and they're like anti-freeze and like dog poop cookies. Like these like really normal headed joke cookies. Like what's in this one? Chili and fish. Right.

Right. But he's also, I guess the tone is very strange in this movie because he's a very carefree man but he murders many, many people for almost nothing. He's a serial killer. Yeah.

And he's also got like a sadist streak so he, it seems like he'll give his cookie to someone and be like eat the cookie knowing or like communicating very clearly that if you don't eat this cookie I will fucking kill you. And there's also

no act too. Like he's never in any trouble. Like it's just, he's an invincible guy. Nothing bothers him. Bullets can't hit him. Yeah. And then he just kind of kills

everybody. And that's, that's the, his character. Yeah. Is that case. It was supposed to be a parody but I don't think they told anybody like when they started filming.

Right. This is a parody. So they played, everybody played it and shot it like it was supposed to be straight. But it's written clearly as a parody. Maybe.

It's the weirdest goddamn vibe. It's like, it's like a maniac has memorized a list of extremely good jokes and has no idea what makes them funny. It, it reminds me. And it's just reading to the, them to you with like a knife at your

throat. It reminds me of Hulk Hogan movie where like since Hulk has to be like cool in every scene then there's no like third act. Right. Nothing, there's nothing at stake because he handles everything that

happens. Right. Just like reality. Like the holster is, he speaks French. He's. I just, yeah. You just watch No Holds Bard.

No, well I was going to. He can identify Dookie. Oh yeah. He can identify Dookie. Have you watched Santa with Muscles? Ah, been a long time but yes. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. That and No Holds Bard man. That's, that's fucking dream team right there. Mr. Nanny. Yeah. There's a lot of. I also watched the Timothy

Olfin Hitman movie and it has the same problem as Tracks where it's just a series of scenes. Right. Where he just kills people. Yeah. He's never in any trouble. It's pornography, right?

Like it's, it's, we just have him kill street scum. Yeah. And the other thing about Tracks is he'll like, he'll go into a bar and just be like, hey everybody get out of here or I'll kill you. If you're here tomorrow, I'll kill you.

And like, they're just fucking having a nice night like. A bar is a legal business, Tracks. Yeah. What do you think you're protecting? No one's doing anything illegal. There. They seem sad.

I mean, they're dirt bags. Don't get me wrong. They're not great people but death penalty seems a bit much. The movie starts with him going to like the chief of police and being like, I'm going to go on a killing spree and then charge you money.

Yeah. Ten thousand dollars a week. Yeah. So I can. So I could fund my cookie business. Yeah. Like he is, he should, they should arrest him right there.

Because he's literally saying, I'm going to go out into the street and kill people. For money. Yep. Unless you, yeah, he might as well say, unless you pay me. Right.

The money. It's the same threat. And I don't know, I feel like they could at least do a, hold them for a little while. The love interest in this film is Priscilla Barnes. And Shadow Stevens is very like

passively handsome in a, I guess, like your grandmother would think he's handsome. Like, I think in this movie he's probably in his 30s. It's a good looking piece of wood. Sure. In the way that a wood worker

appreciates a piece of wood. That's how he's handsome. Right. Not like a super desirable man, I would say, but like handsome. And so Priscilla Barnes didn't have zero chemistry. And she, more than any other actor in

the movie seems to have no idea what she's going for. So I think she's trying to be funny, but that's not her comfort zone. And God, I don't even know how to describe their sex scenes where she's like kind of moaning and screaming and seems troubled by it.

And I remember I met her at Comic Con and I was very excited to talk to her because I love tracks. And she fucking pretended she'd never heard of it. Did she have any choice? What can she say? I don't know what the fuck was going

on with that movie. Can you explain that movie to me? What are you talking about? I mean, that is the correct response, right? If someone approaches her and starts talking about tracks, like I would I would pretend to not speak English

or something. Do you want to end some of tracks? You don't want to talk to fans of tracks. That's us. That's us. So when she saw me in the back seat of her car later that night and she

was not happy about it, but she did eventually admit that she was in tracks. And then the card catalog exploded. Yeah. Her glove box just started shooting out files. What?

That's what happens in the sexy. Oh, that's right. When he penetrates her, all of the card catalogs in the library start shooting up cards. Yeah, it's like about maniac logic. It's so insane. About two thirds into the movie, it

just kind of turns into a cartoon, but not like an American cartoon. Just like things are happening. And I'll give you a good example. When Robert Davi shows up and he threatens to kill him and tracks doesn't care because nothing can kill tracks and he gives him a cookie and

Robert Davi is like, what's in this cookie and tracks is like chili cone carne and, you know, a Velveeta or whatever the fuck. And he's like, huh, whatever. And he takes a little nibble and then later the car explodes and there's this moment when you're watching it with

thinking, understand what happens. But I'm 80% sure that he just farted in the car and the chili cookies caused such impossible farts that it explodes the entire car. Probably. But yeah, you saw that. That's what happened.

He lights a cigar. It goes off. He dies to a fart. And there's no showdown. There's no anything. The bad guy just shows up at the campsite and is like, hey, you want to hang out?

No, get out of here. And then he farts himself to death in a car. That was the main bad guy. That's the end of the movie. That's it. Yeah. That was it.

And then a famous Amos shows up. Tracks. And does not like tracks as cookies. His character arc is not that he learns how to make cookies. It's that everyone is so appreciative of him murdering everyone in the town that they just sort of tolerate his

cookies and pretend to enjoy them. The thing is, it's not that he's bad at making cookies. It's that he's decided that he is not going to make cookies the way he likes making cookies. I mean, it's a combination of both. He's making them out of spite.

He's burning those cookies. It's like being like, I want to be, I want to draw portraits for a living. And someone's like, yeah, but every portrait you draw is just a dick. You go to draw their face and then you draw a dick. And they're like, well, I don't care.

And this is the career I want. Like he's not trying. He's purposefully sabotaging his cookie career. That's very fair. Until people are just so scared of him that they're like, yeah, the cookies are great, man.

Yeah. I mean, like anybody can call themselves an artist. That's not how that works. Exactly. That's not how that works. History has to tell you you're an artist. Yes.

You got to be in a museum. Yeah. Trax is one of those movies when you show it to someone for the first time that they just can't believe they never saw it. It's so entertaining in a strange way.

It's sort of like an army of darkness where there's sort of never a moment that isn't entertaining or silly or weird, but with a character with no flaws and a script with many flaws. And so you're just constantly enjoying something they were trying to do and something they totally fucked up while

just being just marveling at the choices they made. And anyway, wall to wall entertainment. We recently showed this in our Discord and you could like see people's lives being changed as they're talking about it.

It's become very like legendary in the 1900 hot dog community. We talk about it a lot and for good reason. They have started a rolling storm of Trax where just somebody new will come in and be like, what's Trax? And then they'll make them watch it.

Right. And then they'll be just like, what the fuck? And somebody will be like, what the fuck? I'll be like, I just watched Trax. What's Trax? And then somebody else has to watch

it. It's changing lives. It's out there. I just don't understand how there's still people alive that haven't seen Trax. There's people listening right now who probably haven't seen Trax and

they just find it. It's got to be like on Vimeo. It's probably on YouTube. Just Google for Trax. It is on YouTube. I don't think anybody gives a shit about the copyright to enforce it. Right.

So. Trax with two X's. Yeah. Go watch Trax. Stop listening to this. I'm looking at the screenwriter of this. Yeah, he did.

Red Dawn and Running Scared. I'm seeing him credited for time cop. That's not right. No. That's not right. He's right here with time cop. See that.

I can see that. It doesn't make any sense though. Last I checked he didn't write time cop. But given the nature of time cop. His Wikipedia, they have him for fucking time cop. What's the date on that?

Is it 2038? Was the change made on 2038? I don't know. I don't know. His Wikipedia is also saying that he was killed and they haven't solved his murder. Holy shit.

And at least one person that says it's the result of a government conspiracy. I'm sorry to bring down the podcast, but Gary D. Moore, writer of. I don't know what. Yeah, his body was discovered July

9th. Hey, that's my birthday. And the Mojave Desert canal having disappeared a year earlier. Circumstances of his death are still under investigation. Oh my God. He tracks his own Wikipedia page.

This is that incredible discovery. I'm so glad this is happening in real time. Yeah, we have to realize to complete this arc. We have to solve this murder. I'm 100% going to solve this murder. That's what our site is now.

Wow. This is wild detectives. Holy shit. Jesus, he was found. Yeah, he was found in a fucking aqueduct deck dead. His gun was missing. And the way the car was there,

they determined he couldn't have crashed and they determined that it must have been a homicide. My God. Was there any fart? Tracks. I don't see any fart residue, at least not in this Wikipedia.

And apparently also must have been one of the writers of time cop. I don't. That's the least believable part of this whole thing because I could have sworn time cop had a very specific group or specific writer. Well, that is how you would kill

somebody if they misbehaved in the past. Yeah. You would make it exactly like that and then you would erase them from the time cop credits page. Yeah, that's true. Holy shit.

Solved it. I really, I look forward to this being what we do on the podcast now is a our true crime series on the murder of the tracks writer. 1,900 hot dog. Solve it. He doesn't get on this.

Solve this murder. Detective agency. Oh, you know what it is. It's 1,900 hot dog nights. Oh, that's fucking good. Tune in next week for 1,900 hot dog nights. And with Max Malin. Ciao.

Do you think Frankfort podcast? Correct. Correct. Yeah. The craft is not trapped. It is not without. Send it to the dogs. Four hours.

Come on. You can do it. 1,900. 1,900. Frankfort. 1,900. 1,900. Frankfort.

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