The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 122, Shaolin Dolemite With Zak Koonce

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

Seanbaby emits a series of gibbers and punch sound effects followed by a noise like the boogeyman trying to scare a horse. That's how you ask Brockway and guest, Zak Koonce, if they want to watch Shaolin Dolemite in native Dolemitese. They reply "Motherfucker!" which is Dolemitese for "yes."

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000. The official podcast for one nine hundred hot dog. Dot com. The last place to find funny world wide web articles. We've got jokes and pictures and it rules. Go to our Patreon.

Patreon dot com slash one nine hundred hot dog. I'm Sean baby. The total experience and my partner will fight you all night and half the next day. He's the shining signifying Robert Brockway. That was a beautiful intro, but I am a little hurt that it's nothing about my package this time. I was I was getting used to those.

Here's a Brockway fact. I was once arrested for childhood ninjitsu. No follow up questions. I have the police records. Our guest is a bad motherfucker. This is the truth. He's the hot hour or not. Mr. Zaccoons.

Way down to the jungle deep. The signifying monkey. Except on the ninjas feet. I think we do have to explain what we're talking about before you start doing. Oh, right. They already know from the podcast title and my perfect impersonation.

It's Dolomite Day. But one of the dumb Dolomites, Shaolin Dolomite. I will say I'm also been arrested for childhood ninjitsu. Maybe not as childhood as I would like it to be. What age was yours? Older than younger than 20, older than 15. He killed his ex-wife with the first.

Older than 15. Oh, wow. I was 12 and I felt like I'm too old to be doing this. The cops definitely said that. Zach, let's do let's do a plug. All right. Got some some hit funny shows on the oral nuts. Yeah, we got some oral nuts stuff going on.

We did some AI training experimentation in the form of making all the characters in the matrix sing Ice Ice Baby. I think it turned out pretty well. There's a surprise guest appearance by someone who's no longer with us. Right. That's what AI worked to recreate the voices of the dead.

We did it. I run into this problem a lot. It's a nice thing I'm saying, but it's like almost distractingly good. Like in the video, I'm enjoying it, but I'm like, God damn it, this is really fucking good. Like it's just like, how did they the inflection on Larry Fishburne?

They're like, how the fuck did they what? There's a lot of trickery involved in. We had the same issue when we we have like robot. We've had robot voices in our videos for a while now. Like the voice of the Death Star in our Star Wars saga is like a text to speech program. And it was the same thing where you have to type in phonetic pronunciations the way you want them to say it.

So if you just type in a sentence the way grammatically it's supposed to be, then it will be incorrect. They'll read it weird. They'll say something. But it's a perfect Keanu. Right. The robot's default is Keanu. But yeah, always perfect Keanu.

Yeah. And then there's another video we did, you know, we counted every time somebody says this is the way and a Mandalorian turned into a funky song. So that's a fun little, you know, ditty to nod your head to while you see if we were right or wrong. And and then we've been keeping. We've resurrected our long dead podcast as well.

And both of your hosts of the dogs on have been on it. So check out the arm. You kept going after my episode. Yeah, we did it. I don't. I will not be defied by the pronounce the the pronouncement of death. I, yeah, you guys did the the Samoan movie where it played a

special needs kung fu master. Yeah, we just he was not a kung fu master. He was a special needs adult who was the victim of every kung fu master. Okay. Yes. Zero kung fu in the entire movie. I would I would say that we just haven't obtained the right

amount of reach yet to get canceled. But that'll be the that'll be the one in your closet like six years from now. Yeah. When I'm running for president or something, that shit is tearing me down big time. You too. Dig that up like a 2007 tweet.

But if somehow Samo hung will be okay. He's always okay. That's my entire backlog. Like I don't think I have a single article you can go to from any time in any of my any point in my career. It isn't hugely problematic. Always learning, always growing. That's how you categorize that.

That's really important. And I think we're going to do some more of that today because we're talking about shell endola might. I bought a copy of this on VHS in 1999. But this is before you could like know anything about movies. No curation. Yeah. I just like what the fuck is shallow endola might.

And I went into it hoping it could be like a lost root or a more project. But I obviously figured it could be this, which is a Taiwanese kung fu movie just run through a shredder with 15 seconds of dole might on a major hike. Like that's that's the movie we watched. I just want to preface this for your audience, because I know a lot of the times you guys talk about

ridiculous TV and movies. And you're always like, don't watch this, but it's like wink, wink, like, you know, they're probably still going to watch it. Just for the curiosity factor. Don't fucking do that with shallow endola might. It is not good. There's not enough ironic enjoyment to be had in this two

hour runtime. Like it's. Oh, I'm the enemy. Okay. Because I thought it was great. Everybody should watch it. Everybody should watch it. I agree that it's great on paper.

Like, right? Like paper. Fantastic. Yeah. Sometimes my brain will just imagine what they're trying execution, perfectly executed. I take it all back. It's it's perfectly fine on paper and execution.

It earned every minute of its two hour runtime. It's two hours, two hours. So it was that was a full hour longer than any other kung fu movie should ever be ever. It's unreal how fucking long some of this scenes. But this was originally released in America in 1986 under the name of Ninja, the final duel. And they were right to think they could get away with it

because that year for Ninja movies came out every day for each VHS player in circulation. But this one, it sounds like I'm making fun of Godfrey Ho because he was responsible for that. And he also liked to add 10 minutes of very silly Americans to a Taiwanese ninja film. It was his business model, but this was not Godfrey Ho. This was Robert Tai, who I don't think was one of Godfrey

Ho's 120 fake names. There's no way to know that. Robert Tai was in this movie. Yeah. Yeah. I'm almost sure I'm kidding because he was in this movie. Yeah. I still don't believe it. I think that could have been Godfrey Ho.

Like he could have just had some sort of doppelganger, some sort of elaborate mask. It's just, I never, I will never trust that somebody makes this movie because, hold on, you've spliced it together from, you know, all this B-roll footage of Ninja the Duel. So it wasn't just Ninja the Duel that they went through. It was that Robert Tai had fucking like 10 hours of fully

filmed and ready to go footage that he had cut from his, I'm assuming, original drama mini series of Ninja the Duel because he had fucking 12 hours recorded and this shit. Yeah. And so they went back through and did, went through like 10 hours to assemble this new movie that had not been seen before. I want to be clear.

In the original Ninja the Duel, there's only about four to five minutes of crossover footage. Like, it's, so they had 10 extra hours of movie that had like a lot of like story and a ton of complicated kung fu and set pieces. So I just don't think you filmed 10 extra hours of a movie without a plan. And I definitely don't think the plan was to give it

to Dolomite 15 years later. Yeah. But that's, I absolutely agree. But that was also my number one question. And this was, okay, what was the fucking plan then? Yeah. I think this is the revenge of the Sith. Like, I think this is the revenge of the Sith footage

where like all these guys turned evil because Davey Crockett in the original Ninja the Final Duel was like a Hare Krishna who was going to the Buddhist temple to learn kung fu to like, you know, because he was training in all the monk styles, Hare Krishna monk, Shaolin monk, all the fighting, all the fighting religious monks. And then he became Davey Crockett somewhere along the way.

They did, I don't know what happened to that footage. But then also Tupac, who's the, you probably remember Tupac from the movie. He was a good guy in Ninja the Final Duel. That did not come out that way in this version. Yeah. Well, he died in the end. So I think they resurrected him as a bad guy

in whatever the hell happened. Yeah. I can't imagine any of the footage they used of him. I believe eating actual babies as a good guy. He was hamming it up. Like it just hard miming such a villainy. Yeah. Big, big, full face laughter.

I, so I didn't do, I did the research on the Taiwanese version of it. Like that's readily available, you know, the Robert Tai stuff. What I couldn't find. And then I just quit trying to find it. Cause I thought maybe I could be the, take place of your audience here and like learn in real time. Did you guys find any about the redubbing process?

Who are the people behind the Dolomite aspect of this, this equation? Not really. No. Who brought Dolomite in? The Vio and why? Well, the version, the version I watched, I'm not sure if it was the version you watched,

but it was the Wu Tang version. Yeah. The Wu Tang collection is what I watched. So I have to assume the answer to your question, as well as, uh, as don't fuck with who is, uh, is the Wu Tang clan. Now, is there, is this the version that you owned, Sean?

Yeah. I had the, it was, it said Wu Tang on the VHS box. It's the same, all the same dubbing. I barely remember anything about it except when he like, went up to the statue and ad libs the line, the hunchback of no today. Imagine if you will for a moment, if there were multiple versions of this,

if this warranted multiple releases, if something went back to the well again, cause this is already completely fucking mental. So let's track the process. So Robert Tai, who is a Kung Fu lunatic, films fucking 12 fully produced, like hours of this, this Kung Fu saga. This is like Stanley Kubrick shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Of the, of the Kung Fu Stanley Kubrick here. He films all of that cuts it down to, I'm assuming 70 minutes. About that. Yeah. And then just shells the rest is like,

this is the cost of creating art, creating perfect art is that the world won't get to see the other $8 million I spent on, on the far more elaborate backstory that was cut. So he just shells that and walks away while it burns and fucking the, then the Wu Tang clan comes along and is like, we have to bring this back, which okay, fine in character.

And they say, and also it stars Dolomite. So they bring Dolomite back in, they create spliced in footage to re-edit the abandoned footage of that original movie. It's like three, it's like three power rangers deep. They're just, they're not just doing a power rangers. They're doing a power rangers of a power rangers. It's the layers of, of insane decisions that led to this.

For what seems to be no reason, like they didn't seem to be having a ton of fun doing it. Like there's, there's stretches of this where for like an hour, it's just a Kung Fu fight and no one is cutting to Dolomite saying something or dubbing over it in any way. It's just like, yeah, fucking let it run. And then, then we all like, you know. Well, I think they did.

When they redid it, I think they redid all of the dubbing because some of the people have a consistent voice throughout. That is, they did the entire track. So what's crazy is that they'll do that, you know, hour where there's no jokes or anything. There's no like little parody moments. There's no Dolomite in it. But that's still whoever got the Wu Tang,

whoever the Wu Tang got to do this, that's still them doing this new dialogue to make this movie. Yeah. So they just wanted to make it. Total like laziness or if like, there were people in the production fighting to go different direction. We're going to make a straight Kung Fu movie. And then someone's like, no, we're going to be very silly.

It had to be the latter because a lot of this is just dialogue structure. Everything is just like, doesn't this fucking kick ass? Isn't this just a great straight up Kung Fu movie? I think that, yeah, there, there was, there was a tug of war. Then they all just proceeded, you know, fired on all cylinders and just went full steam ahead without really settling the argument. So it's like half sincere Kung Fu action movie and half just completely silly.

Yeah. I mean, so many kids. It's hard to make the argument that the sincerity one, when you've got the evil ninja clan, just speaking like colloquial LA, Vato Spanish, like they're like, they're always like, all right, dude, this is for La Raza. They call people gringos all the time.

And it's like, this isn't serious. Like, you know, it's not serious, but then they start fighting and you're like, this is deadly serious. The stakes are as high as they could possibly be. No one's laughing. People are straight up getting impaled. It gets really hard. And they will forget for like half hour stretches of like,

there will be nothing that breaks the immersion at all. Not a single word that breaks the immersion, that this is just a not so Kung Fu movie. Yeah. And then all of a sudden one will be like, take that bitch. And you're like, oh, oh, yeah, right. It's the Wu-Tang Clan. I remember what we're doing here.

Did you guys watch Kung Fu? It was this movie predates that by four or five years, but it was a show where they took old Kung Fu movies and they had Bismarck he and like random hip hop stars redone. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking the wrong thing. OK. That sounds like it rules.

And the one that I'm thinking rules and it just shows how like someone saw Shaolin Dolomite. They're like, let's do that. But like good. Yeah. And it's fucking good. But so you basically have the idea of what Shaolin Dolomite is. No one quite new and we don't.

But let's talk about it. It opens with a guy doing Kung Fu magic. And he's his name is Tupac. He's dressed in bones because I think there was just the one role for black actors in Taiwan in 1986. So you just let some stuff go. And so if they like. Hey buddy.

Yeah. Yeah. This guy's name was Eugene Thomas. He was in a lot of Taiwanese Kung Fu movies of that era. Bones is generous. I have I have here his outfit for a Shaolin Dolomite fashion check. He's wearing he's wearing three headbands only one on his head. He's wearing a necklace of bone shaped dog toys.

They were very clearly rubber. A small plastic telephone. He's got a shredded sweater around his waist and he has comedy and tragedy masks on each shoulder spray. Right. So he's kind of like Dulcene. He's mostly nude but with a bit of human remains and faces on him. I guess.

Yeah. Yeah. And a little bit of a play a little bit of play school. And these bones are like. They're not small bones. These are like full femurs. Yeah. In the shape of a necklace.

Yeah. They're massive bones. But it obviously kind of rules like he's like good at Kung Fu and a magic eyeball. He's in like an Indiana Jones style temple trying to like steal the treasure. That's generous. It's supposed to be like an Indiana Jones type thing but it's

right. Really what it is is like a pop up kids fun house. Like. Yep. Exactly. I have those exact words. This is. Like a B-Mite is carnival haunted house.

Yeah. It's meant to be torn down and moved quickly. Like that's. All this is fair. I just I really liked this vibe. I really liked that a cartoon eyeball started glowing and it started shooting arrows at him. Yeah.

And then he dodges it. And I like to use the force to open a door and then teleport it anyway. Like he didn't even end up using the door. Like it was. I liked everything right out of the gate. I think it's important to establish what magic is when we say doing Kung Fu magic in this movie.

It means just jump cutting them out of the frame. And then teleporting in. Because everybody does that's why magic. But that's it. That's the special effect. That's the first like is this Godfrey Ho because that's a pretty. Yeah. Hard Godfrey Ho hallmark.

Yeah. At one point later on I'm sure we'll get to it but later on one of the characters appears by just spinning. He just starts spinning and then they jump cut him over and over again across the landscape like. There's a cut from the original that. Ninja the final doer where the guy starts he kills a guy and he starts laughing and then he teleports like 10 feet behind him

and like starts laughing again and he like teleports like all the way over the horizon like that. It is so funny. I took a clip here of this scene. I'll play it now. Zodos. Don't come closer to pack. There's nothing for you here.

Leave now with your life while you have a chance. Yo, I came here to boost some shit. So back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up. There's nothing of value here. Bullshit. What's that? Not on your life. Kill me first you bastard.

Step off bitch. And maybe I'll spare your punk ass. Go on beat it. Bastard, you dare have the nerve to insult the clan of the Wu-Tang? Why not? You ain't shit. It's a good point.

Right away I developed a fear that ended up being like a well-founded fear that Tupac is a black man on screen. This voiceover artist is not. It's Toe for Grace if I had to guess. I'm afraid you're right. I was very concerned that none of these people matched the race of the person they were doing the voice of. And my initial fear was that because this was a Dolomite

project, at least not in name that this white VO actor was probably going to at some point try to drop it in bomb. They definitely are. The point when he does is did I wasn't surprised when he did it. I was surprised by how he did it. So we'll get there. I was surprised when the actual white people like on film

there's one thing to have like a black character. You're supposed to believe it's a black man saying it. But also several white kung fu masters drop those in bombs. Oh yeah. In 1999, which I think we're pretty well past the horizon on 1999. We knew, yeah, NWA as a group existed like 10 years before that.

We all knew where the hard line was. And I've been to enough midnight screenings of Dolomite movies around 1999 to know that his his crowd was it had a lot of white people in it, I guess. So I could see one of like someone like me be on the Super Dolomite fan like sitting down with worse judgment than I would have had. I doing what they did.

I forgot to ask if you were involved with this project. At the time frame, I feel like there was a good chance like that you might have been. If you did Google Dolomite around this time, you'd get some shot baby.com hits for sure. Yeah. Yeah. And I go back with as a fan as well.

I got I got this is the only celebrity I've ever asked to have a picture taken with. Like he's not the only one I've met my whole life. I've never once been like, let's get a picture. Like I but I went to see Rudy Ray Moore live and I was like, I got to get in line and get a back scratcher and get a picture. And it's it's it's it's I love this man, which we tell you

picture with Dolomite. Yeah. You got one too. Brothers because we're brothers. So that when I say I don't like this film, that's that's a strong that's coming from a place. Yeah, they really had they really had to betray you. Yeah.

Anyway, Tupac steel in the the Temple of Doom. There's like a bowl here that's very precious. But but in the text of the film, he's like just there to like fucking steal whatever he's just I'm here to even know what it is. Everything looks nice. Can I I'll take that. Yeah.

He's looking for a kung fu copper in those walls. She found kung fu catalytic converter. Yeah. Is that a stemless wine glass? I'll take that. No, not on your life, bastard. No, not the one thing in this room. Then they cut to Dolomite and all of my fears were made true

back in 1999 when I realized they're just going to cut to Dolomite just fucking filming in his garage on vacation. Yeah. So he's I guess it's not his garage. He's like walking through a Buddhist garden and and like mocking the statues. I have a clip of this. Oh, look at this bad motherfucker.

It's like shit. You say when you're alone in the house, just like getting some milk. I'm going to get some milk. He said absolutely nothing, but somehow it still sounds racist. Yeah. Yeah. He said that was pure gibberish.

It wasn't even to the tune of anything. But you were just like, yeah, no, you're not allowed to do that. Yeah. This is this is racist Chinese gibberish. This isn't good. I can tell which direction you're gibberish. It just he they absolutely how how much do you think they paid him to have this little of a plan?

There's no way he thought he thought about anything at all. He showed up. He did not know what was going to be in that garden. He was willing to do almost one take. Like 0.75 of a take and he just I mean, one of his lines is just well, look at this bad motherfucker. What's great is that he originally said that like you can sort of see his lips.

This is all ADR, by the way. But I think he's trying to ADR to match something he said in the moment. Trying to remember what he said the moment doesn't always get it right. No, not even close. Yeah. The whole movie is done.

Even his parts are done so that he's ADR and himself to look like, oh, well, like a bad dub. But yeah, you're right. He he he must reinforce that line. He had to listen to himself say back. I came up to the statue. I tried to think of a joke and what I thought of was why? So I'm just going to sing his song.

I'm not going to rewrite that. I'm just going to try to get a clean take of it. Yeah. And I think it's the best choice. Like if you would have tried, I think it would have sucked. Whereas what he did was like kind of magical. Yeah. Just let him.

Yeah. Do his sounds. You'll get the best take. You know, you got a really Madison, like Adam Sandler invented that just screaming gibberish thing. I thought that was very funny, but it's just something Rudy Merremore did all the time. That's what he did in his sleep.

Yeah. I love the whole career is just a Dolomite impression. Dolomite impression nobody caught. I would change my entire opinion on Adam Sandler. Like that man is a fucking genius given all the awards. He continues his like sort of racism. He meets a monk, an actual Asian man sitting there. And he goes, great.

Greetings, my yellow brother. Yeah, dude. I had to rewind that like five times. He's not saying that is because audio is so bad. He said it. Oh, buddy. I like when the guys like, hey, let's play some Chinese checkers. He like really hits those words.

And that's when it hit me like, oh my God, this is a white guy doing this voice too. And after he says that and he's doing like Bruce Lee sounds like when Bruce Lee is thrown a sidekick like that guy. That's like how this guy takes a breath. And then Dolomite in response to Chinese checkers goes, what kind of mother fucking shit is this? Oh, what a fucking amazing dialogue.

It seems in like a friendly way too. Like that might just be how he asks what something is. Yeah, that's his way of saying, please explain the rules to me so we can engage in this friendly challenge. What kind of mother fucking shit do we got here? Ain't you got Candyland? But anyway, I'll give anyone $10 million if they can prove that the man doing the Chinese man's voice was Chinese.

That's fucking on the table. There is not, yeah, there's not a single Asian or black person. Dolomite's the only black person in this voice cast, this voiceover cast. And there are zero Asian people in this cast. Well, Jimmy Lynch probably did his own voice later. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, Jimmy Lynch definitely walking through.

Yeah, he's sleeping. They couldn't actually get him to leave. He's still there to this day. So now there's a ninja attack. I don't know why we even should bother to go through the plot. Like I took notes in the plot, but I did at a certain point in my notes, just say if they started the movie here,

it would be more coherent, like 45 minutes in. I'm like, just forget everything you've seen and the movie makes more sense. So this Kung Fu guy takes to the trees to battle these ninjas and they call him a stupid gringo, but he's Asian. Yeah, that was a red flag. Yeah, and I was like...

That established the ninjas as like a Latino gang, I guess. But it's real dodgy, like most of the time they're like, hey, we'll kill you bastard. I mean, battle. They're not very consistent with it. Consistent with it. He beats the ninjas and they leave and there's a little fancy man in a box

being carried by his sexy boys. And he goes, yeah, good. He's got a Hitler mustache. Again, I don't know why I bothered to take these notes. That guy is not very relevant to the plot. He shows up again though, right? Yeah, he shows up later at the end of the movie. Yeah, I was confused.

Was it a setup just to test this guy or... I do think so. You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. Yeah, it's true. The original, that's a bad guy. Yeah. There were 10 hours for him to take his good guy to bad guy arc.

Yeah. He had a fucking just war and peace arc in the 10 hours of footage you'll never see. I know that he didn't... There wasn't two silly Hitler mustache guys in the movie. That's the same guy. No, it's the same guy. But he was definitely with the ninjas at the end of the movie

and he's being attacked by them in this scene. Dude, I'm sure extensive personal tragedy and a lot of moving speeches and scenes did he have his fall from grace to side with the ninjas. Probably something with the shiny boys that carry his little caravan. Yeah, I didn't realize Sheldon Monks wore short shorts until then. A lot of hot pants in this film. A lot of Sheldon hot pants.

One thing this movie does well is that it makes sure that all the characters are recognizable. Because like Hitler mustache guy, you're like, there's only one guy with Hitler mustache. This movie does a good job of saying like, this is the guy who wears like a little Vanna White off the shoulder kung fu outfit. This is the tall, likey guy. Everyone has different hair and outfit that they stick to. So, you know.

I didn't get lost with the characters. It was everything else that fell apart for me. It was like demon flute guy. His crew showed up. I knew, you know, what to expect. Those guys in the original are fucking awesome. They're just like Tiger men that climb around through the trees. There's so much footage that Dolomite could have used that was awesome. They fucking rule in this one, too.

Some sort of kung fu cyber got that flutes, flute commands ninjas. He's like a ninja pied piper. Yeah, he controls like the tremors version of ninjas. Like controls fucking ninja Graboids with a You guys had Graboids. I had Bugs Bunny in my notes. Normally, yeah, what normally when you see like a traveling mound of dirt, it's like, oh, it's it's it's groundhogs or it's Bugs Bunny.

No, it's fucking ninjas. It's any weird thing happening in nature. It's ninjas fish traveling dirt. I think we need to establish what we're talking about here. Do we? It's ninjas. It's ninjas. Not only is it ninjas. It's your amount of dirt coming right at you.

Get the fuck off our pockets. There's as much explanation in this movie for what we just said as what we just said. Like there's no explanation of like, oh, it's ninjas must be. No, they're just there's like some little dirt mounds moving around. And then our ninja pops out. Yeah, I accept this or I don't. I'll take it a step further because I had already accepted it. That like ninjas have the power to like.

Basically power dive through the dirt at high speeds. But the movie breaks up on themselves to explain it. And they show with little garden shovels like quickly digging. This is how we do it. It's like, I didn't need to know that. It's terrible. They got little ninja shovels and they're just digging as hard as they can. It is show of just little busy bodies just stroking away as hard as they can.

Several times before that in this movie, they show the ninjas leaping into the air headfirst and flying through the air like a like human bullets. So you're like, yeah, OK, they just do that in the dirt under the dirt. And they're like, no, no, no, they have they have like your mom's shovel and they're just working as hard as they can is what's going on here. In the original, they also use those shovels as paddles to row spider creatures, spider boats, I guess you'd call them. Yeah.

Fuck yes. There's spider boats. God. Now, I didn't. I wasn't prepared to hear about the movie that I didn't get. Now I feel like I've been robbed of a secret world, you know. I guess that there's a better version of this without Dolomite. It's a it's a. I don't know if it's worth doing, but I guess we can explain how the fuck we get to the dirt ninjas.

But there's like a Japanese guy, Prince Sonata, who's the one that saved Hitler, a mustache man from the ninjas, he decides to go train with the Shaolin monks. Right. But he's like just fucking rules right out of the box. Like, I don't even understand what he's doing there. He's like, here's five animal style. He's like, got it. And he's like a master of it.

And it's like, what? Why are we here? Those ninjas ass is way before. So it's not like it's harder once he knows the shell. You know what the Shaolin monks that he goes to train with don't do. They don't whip those ninjas asses ever. They get fucking murdered by them every single time. Yeah.

Yeah. That's why. That's why he got it so quick. He's like, yeah, this is basic shit. I'm sorry. I sailed across the ocean to learn your basic shit. Yeah. And when he does it, he's demoing all the animal styles.

He's got monkey, you know, all the, you know. I will say there's a moment in that in that montage that bears some calling out, which is when the monk is showing him a monkey style and one of the special moves of monkey style is to cup and juggle your enemy's testicles. Which they don't do with the movie. I was really upset that they did. It wasn't like Chekhov's monkey ball jug. In the middle of the monkey style, it cuts over to Rudy Ray Moore, who says this.

Oh, look at that shit. This motherfucker's out of sight. And good enough, you earned your $50. Thanks, Rudy. And then right after that, this dude poured his heart out too. He's going as hard as he can, just nailing every animal style and the monk that he's training with, just when he's done, slaps him on the back and goes, good job. He's a comedy beat.

He's going to be a sword or something. Like, you know, let's, let's mark this occasion. You got it. I have in my notes, I was trying to actually make sense of this. I think all of this was a flashback because they're talking about being allowed to stay in the temple because they let Dolomites stay. And then while he's doing this flashback, the monk says, I remember the first time I fought the ninjas and then they do a flashback within the flashback.

And he remembers the time when a Buddhist statue came to life and he goes, and now for your tricks, show yourselves. And here's where I got like pissed at the fucking movie. And I'm sure you know what the ninjas said back to you. I did clip though, right? I did not fucking clip this. Well, silly Abbott tricks are for kids. Yeah.

I had it in my notes is like, I think that's why they did this. I think they were watching some sort of footage and somebody came up with that line. Yeah. Somebody else who has not had enough good ideas in their life was like, oh my God. Yes. We have to do something. This is when you, this is when I realized that a bunch of dumb ass film school students were the ones behind this.

Yeah. This is, you would not show that to Dolomite. You should expect an ass weapon if you handed that joke to Dolomite. Oh yeah. He might make that joke. He is not a coherent man in 1999. He's allowed to make that joke though. Yes.

He'll sell it. He'll say it better than that. 100%. He would at least put a couple of motherfuckers in there. Yeah. And maybe some racist noises. Yeah. Maybe some like weird lip wobbles, you know?

Yeah. He'll sell the joke that's just bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Yeah. I do like that they use their ninja illusion power to make like a, basically one of the Elden Ring bosses. Yeah. The cat statue that just stomps after you. I was like, I got some PTSD looking at this footage.

I hate that fucking boss. I wouldn't mind if every movie sort of cut away to Rudy Raymore like admiring something. Like if every movie just cut to him going, oh, look at that shit. You could totally make this movie. I mean, if you put all of the Rudy Raymore sections together, there's no way that's more than three and a half minutes. I think that's, I think that's $250 on cameo. I think you could buy five cameos, splice it into a movie and make just as valid an effort

as was done with Rudy, Rudy Raymore in this movie. Yeah. Just have him go in his backyard with the camera. Like if you, you know, my one request is if you could do this outside, that would be really great. You know, find some greenery, make some racist jokes. He's like, look at that shit. Your friend Terry said it was your birthday.

Shit. I like the way, the way you enunciate shit though. That's why he's the game. He's the best. Yeah. There's a fight later where he comes back in when, when Prince is training and Dolomites still there after like weeks or months at the passage of time isn't clear. And he goes, oh, he's doing it.

And I really liked that. And then he's like just gone for a while. Yeah. I guess it's important. It's relative, whatever is important in this discussion, but he's there with the monks because he's looking for Tupac. That's his student. He was left to go train with the monks and now he's gone rogue.

So he's just walking around like maybe 10 or 12 steps behind Tupac, who is currently at this point, probably inside an Asian woman who. Yes. I can actually real quick clarify something. Zach, you said you weren't sure if you knew if it was important. It's not. Oh, gotcha. We're talking about what little motivation there is in this movie.

There's no closure to that story. There's no closure. I didn't think this love scene was gratuitous though. Like they had to show how Tupac can fuck what he does. He'll like, he grabs the boobs and then he rubs them vigorously like a clinical type of like applying Vick's Vaple Rub. If your grandma had to rub Vick's Vaple Rub on your chest, it's very much like that. If she has a lump, he was going to find it.

Yeah. This is mammograms back before like medical ethics. Yeah. He has a great I'm inside you now face. You know, there's a moment where he's like, you know, it's waist up, she's out of frame and he goes, he goes, he makes that little like lip change where you're like, oh, he's in now. That's what he means.

There it is. The great is I assumed this lady that he is is making sweet Jack Cameron love to is is from the credits because the credits roll at the start of this movie and somebody's credited it as Ninja Ho. Yeah. And I was like, oh, here it is. It's Ninja Ho. I don't think that's her.

I don't think that's her. Yeah. I think there are multiple Ninja Ho's in this movie. I will note because this is a Dolomite film again in name, even though the Tupac is like in fantastic shape, objectively more attractive than Rudy Raymore. This is somehow not as fun to watch than Rudy Raymore fucking somebody. Where's Kevin? Let me keep my girls.

Where's Kevin? Let me keep my girls. The room never fell apart. Like it's just, you know, the room. He's established that Dolomite gives head to. So I think I think you've got to come up to that level. He has an album like named after that. You know, he's dedicated to at the end of my love scene.

He'll like get naked and jump down a hill. Whereas at the end of this love scene, this is Tupac goes to sleep. My God, it's true what they say about you black men. Joey is my sweet honey. Come on. Let's get it on stud. Yeah, that's, that can't, that can't be a black guy. You see what I'm saying about Toa for Grace though, right?

He's got that falsetto Toa for Grace. It sure is my sweet honey. That's exactly what I sound like when I make the mistake of doing that voice. That's why we cut that voice every time. We're going to, you're going to reveal the twist at the end of this podcast and be like, that was the whole time. I'm sorry. This is my apology podcast.

I love her. She goes, let's get it on stud and then leaves. Like even the voiceover is fucking wrong. But I also want to make it clear that it does seem like they're kind of trying to match the voices. Like there's weird pauses like you would see in a, in a bad dubbing as if they're trying to kind of, there's, you mentioned earlier that there's sort of a joke about the ADR being bad, but I don't think they're, I don't think

that's an intentional thing. That's not like that. I never got the impression they were doing the. I thought that was so bad. It had to be. It had to be on purpose. See, I was confused about the extent of what this movie was. Like I thought at some point while watching it that, that certain,

certainly obviously they'd cut Rudy Ray Moore's parts in, like he is removed from this movie by, by camera quality in several decades and a country. It gets very clear, but I also thought maybe they filmed like new scenes because there was, it was once we got to the sex scene, I'm like, oh, that's not, this isn't in the movie. Like this isn't in a kung fu movie with him vigorously rubbing down those titties. That's like a, like a Wu tank thing.

So I was trying to assume like, okay, if, if you've added this part in, what other parts did you add in and how did you do that? So I was watching for tricks the whole time and I found like, I, I don't mean to spoil because we're going to get to it, but there's, there's another topless fight scene later. I'm like, okay, yeah, that's not in the movie. You put that in. And so I started deducing like, okay, but you can track this actress

interacts with this person and this person and this guy interacts with this other guy. Like I had this timeline. I wrote down of, of these are the people that were put in afterwards. They were, these were all, all of their scenes were spliced in by like the Wu tank plan or whoever did this remix to make this much more ridiculous. And then finally towards the end, there's the big battle scene where everybody shows up together.

And I, I had to realize in my notes theory was annihilated. Oh my God. This was all in the movie. Yeah. No, these kung fu movies were, I remember being a kid and being like, there's a chance I might get some, some titty. And there's a movie I never heard of. If Jackie Chan wasn't in it, I was like, there might be some titty in this movie.

Okay. Are we going to have to jump ahead? Because it's not like you just see some titty in this movie. Like the titties are used as weapons. They're weapons. Yeah. Okay. There's no way you're doing that in fucking 1982.

In these kung fu movies. Absolutely. Yeah. We should talk about our entrance before we talk about our titties because. Yeah. I'm sorry to jump. They, so. I guess she's disguised as the whole reason they wanted to kill the Abbott because he

has these unique beads, right? And so they take those beads so that she can disguise herself. She's like a shape shifter. She can. Store her soul or whatever inside the bead and make herself look like a little phantasm ball. And my first thought was like, Oh cute. It's like a phantasm ball.

And then this guy's like, I call her phantasm. Okay. So I'm not the only one that thought that. Okay. Good. So I throw this like the ball and then a curtain comes out of the ball and then like she front flips out from behind the curtain and then vanishes. And then the curtain kind of vanishes and it's just like this barrage of special effects

that don't work. Like, like it looks like they're trying shit. How long would you say that goes on for? Oh, 40, 40 years. I got fucking hypnotized. I think they Manchurian candidate. They did me. I like, I was like in a trance and I could.

The message of time. Like I had no idea what the, I want to be, I want to be very clear. It does not look like anything. It, it, it's just, it just looks like someone edited a fucking film room. Like there's, you're not saying like, Sean says she flips out and then disappears. She flips out and doesn't land. It's like half flip she flips like up and then vanishes and then flips up again and vanishes and then, you know, that happens 97 more times, right.

that I don't get like what how it ended up I don't get what they were going for like what was yeah what was the intent like how did we start off with that no idea I like all I know is that the sound guy was going nuts with that sheet because it does the kung fu movie thing we're like anytime anybody takes to the air at all they just get a bedspread just start shaking it into a microphone and it's they went nuts with it on this scene I think that's sort of why I was also lulled into a trance like state because that sound was just kind of like unrelenting and I was like this is this is like ASMR this is like kung fu

ASMR I'm a sleepy boy so she appears in the prince's room and she leaves the master's bead where he can see it so he comes in he sees the bead he's like wait this is like my master I should say that earlier that that master got killed because yeah some and a bunch of tremors ninjas which he easily dispatched the ninja grab boys yeah the piper of the ninja grab boys we've discussed this everybody understands what can we do can we do a dolomite a challenge dolomite fashion check for him because he rules a piper of the ninja absolutely he's got a white type of shorts my dad's bathrobe a pink wig a tiki mask the flute of

course and and my dad's black ankle socks so it looks like my dad was fucking in the middle of some mask and came out here to be like are you guys playing ninja grab oids can you fucking dad your sex mask is still on yeah and it's not a cool like ninja demon mask like you might be thinking it's like blue with this like really off-putting pink hair coming out of it it just he's a cyber gov he looks like cyber gov yeah a pervert though like when you go to the cyber sex club he's there that's a cyber gov yeah we say pink wig we mean like square ladies bachelorette party pink wig yeah yeah that was that was a

Halloween costume yeah it's not tastefully done so that guy also like brought his dead friend back to life and he like grabbed him so the flute controls like recently killed good guys anyway I love it cuz he does not come back up again yeah there's a guy like tied to the ground and he actually says oh deadly ninja trap all right into it again didn't work at all so okay so the prince sees this bead and this exchange happens which I really like those beads master I screwed a guy to death so I could get those where did you get those she just told you buy it he doesn't know what she's talking about he's so innocent

she also did not screw a guy to death to get those no the fucking Robert's dad got him this is a great fight so they fight and it's an amazing fight because she you know Prince Anata like we said out of the box he just kicks fucking ass he's no joke he starts beating her ass pretty handily she realizes that and so she uses his his modesty against him I think it's supposed to it's supposed to be because the other shallon monk comes in too it's supposed to be some sort of vow that they made yeah it's a monk issue yeah this temple that they're not allowed

to touch women yeah so to take advantage of that what she does is when he starts lunching for her she rips open her shirt and bears her titties and that stops and repels him like a magical force field and if he's if he's not repelled enough she starts shaking him at him and that uh though I'm guessing the titty shock waves are hitting him are like resonating with his with his with whatever vow he took and threatening to shake it apart I get let me just read you the notes I took okay they have a throwing star duel he's too good so she flashes her tits he is paralyzed by shimmy and gets slapped then he goes back

to fucking her up she takes off her whole top he has to hide in shame he lands a titty grab that's that's the play-by-play yeah and then they hit the ground yeah she's in she she's got top control and pins his arms down and then just two of these laps she most she forces a motorboat on him yeah she doesn't back and forth this is where the sound department like really got to shine every little slap has a sound effect with it yeah it feels like the right sound too I feel like this was the best work in the entire film yeah it's like a wet bed sheet yeah hopefully you can see why at this point I'm like all

right that wasn't in the movie yeah this was silly kung-fu like I was funny so they made a little scene I genuinely was like how the fuck to do this because this is the prince from the movie right yeah I was looking to see if they were in the same like seen film so you could see both of their faces and I thought oh okay I get it there was an actual like pink purple ninja lady in the movie and then they've also got their own scene with a pink purple ninja yeah but it's flawless but it's it was I was so I've that's literally my notes a few times of like this is such quite big they put in such good work you your your line of

reasoning started to make this movie to give this movie way more credit than it deserves I gave it so much credit up until the end like it's in my notes over and over again of like okay say what you will but that was masterfully recut to look like it yeah this film stock was the same this is brilliant it was only at the end it was only like one of the penultimate scenes of the movie where they all show up and then it pans very deliberately across them all that I had this realization of like oh oh my god this is this was all in that ten hours this this little monk buddy walks in and has maybe the best VO work in the

whole movie he does this like kind of genuine like oh my god oh I'm so sorry I'm just a little chuckle and like it's very embarrassed for him and I was like I like that guy whatever else he does the movie he's my favorite he gets kicked out of this movie fast I'm not allowed to touch girls is what he says he doesn't say like our money our monk of our or anything just I'm not allowed they don't let me know I never thought to take their shirt off and come in here because you can do anything just I don't I can't do anything to stop you the prince decides he's still gonna fight her it's it's funny because every one of

his shots hit hits her in the titty after she takes him out yeah so he grew he learned yeah he got over it the titty is your strength the titty is also your weakness he adapted he evolved he survived live by the titty die by the titty kicks are twice in the boobs and there's that there's just no other way to put it they jump over each other a couple times it's weird then each is sidekicks are in the tits and then my notes they toppled in japanish because she just top she's gone boom gone yeah and I the way the film kind of panned over to the monks beads again made it seem like she was hiding in plain sight

but no yeah nothing ever comes to that no she left yeah she's gone so now to pack is he's got these two sidekicks that we are meeting for the first time and I guess they're like bronze men they like Aztec warriors yeah they look a little I thought they were maybe Native American I think they're just really bronzed up Chinese men if I yeah but I thought that's Taiwanese I think they're trying to make them look like like yeah they're supposed to be yeah I I don't know about American Indian but they're supposed to be sort of other eyes like they're not yeah yeah like anybody else in the movie they're two pox boys so they

didn't have any other black actors but they were that they tried to get as close as they could sure this is the black crew oh speaking of black crew he runs into the shoe bags white monks one's a Nike teenager and the other is a middle-aged bald man with earrings I call him kung-fu rip-torn yes I just in my notes he has a little crescent moon on his head so every time he showed up I just put down moon honky two packs says I hear you guys are white and words hard are which yeah this is the first time the the voice actor got to drop his n-bomb but on two white guys that's why it's hard to there was like a yes he

was how they respond you're going down gee you're back what you doing here man you're on the east side now motherfucker west side can't help you sorry punk ass now brilliance they drop an n-bomb right after that too don't yeah I cut the end yeah we have to we have to I couldn't remember I was I wasn't sure that will not it's also worth noting that they're called the tribe of Shabazz which is like a nation of Islam so it's like they're the black gang basically all right I don't know it's I think these guys had all they the only they knew about kung-fu movies whoever did the VO and the final production this just

listened to Wu Tang albums and that was it because I'm pretty sure like the tribe of Shabazz got referenced in a Wu Tang lyric that's it that's my theory it's just this is all and it was 1999 so it was impossible to look any of this up you just had to be like yeah I know what that is it's a comfortable thing yeah that's it goddamn I I have here that like they kind of fuck up two pack like they land a shot on them and they got some moves yeah so so two pack has to pull out the magic bowl from the earlier scene and he went what happens when he has the magic bowl he bangs it with a stick and then everyone's like brain

explodes yeah this is the power ranger shit I was looking for in this part starts I'm like oh here we go now we got a power ranger is our special effect is your imagination and how hard I do like these guys had a wardrobe change though they got more they had like another form that they like oh we're not strong enough hold on a second and then they just do this graceful transformation like Sailor Moon style into their tank tops super Aryan yeah I think they might have used their clothes too they're like unfurled in a maybe an attack yeah sort of way I don't remember but it was very cute well they ran away cuz no one can

deal with this fucking bowl and here's what two packs is get yourself some knockies next time you sorry apple-headed Zulus let's get some fried chicken just a white guy who thought he was being clever like that's just okay what exactly does he say there can can somebody give me a clean take on that get yourself some knikies next time haha you stupid Zulus let's get some fried chicken apple-headed Zulus let's get some fried chicken yeah that's like some shit that like you would discover your racist during an improv they're like yeah that's like it came out of the voice actor's mouth like oh my god I

need a fucking like reassess the darkness inside me this is the ten hours of raw footage from the the Kramer stand-up this was like somebody asked Steven Crowder like what do you think a black person really sounds like and this is what he believed in his heart this camera's off I swear to God yeah go nuts no one's gonna judge you so we follow the east side guys back the Shabazz guys and they're just dying like they're still dying like long after they've been hit by it and then a new girl comes and she finger saves them she does like the little ninja fingers read my notes I had to type a lot of my

notes one-handed because I was holding the baby and I wrote oh okay hold the finger saves them I probably wouldn't have if I had both hands to type your baby is learning this she's learning shell and dolomite the they run into a guy with a coon skin hat and I wrote he's David oh he's David Crockett and he like says no I'm actually David Crockett yeah I said I said again I at this point I said why not I was like this is just the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen now and like fucking Huckleberry Finn shows up or whatever I'm like sure why not don't care

it's funny that we all sarcastically wrote down oh here's David Crockett and then he's like hi I'm David Crockett I'm David Crockett yeah okay does the timeline on that work like I guess they're saying that David Crockett went on sort of a Batman journey to become the best fighter like somewhere yeah but also like dolomites there and it's just if this is dolomite but it but it's not either because they call him like yeah so it's like because if he's dolomite then it's it's 1999 he's clearly he's clearly 20 years older than when we first saw him as dolomite so this is I thought too much about it yeah this is

regular David Crockett yeah this is ancient you know Taiwan or whatever this is where the dolomites originated yeah he's playing his ancestor that's what it is I thought it was weird that he had a Chinese straight sword and not a bowie knife yeah I guess yeah that's him I have some notes but anyway he's a very good fencer he's sort of fights like a like a European Saber fighter and he scares the ninjas off and then he goes to the Shaolin Temple and then he just jumps into a fistfight and they're like hey thanks for coming in and doing a fistfight with us Davey Crockett you're one of us now there's one of these monks and the

monk flies off screen and then he starts engaging with the other monk for a few a good few seconds and then it finally cuts back to the other monk landing and I don't know if they meant to make it look like kicks that guy's so fucking hard that he sailed for like five seconds but it was I thought it was pretty bad ass this is an important point because that happens more than a few times in this movie where they'll kick somebody and they've got the wire work but the wire work just keeps going like you think you think the wire work is gonna launch that guy like 10 feet in the air but they'll cut away and that

guy's still it's clearly accelerating and he's like honestly no exaggeration like 60 feet in the air and accelerating so like there's there's no way off of that set that that man lived like you're fucking trebuchet an actual ninja into the sky think how many people Robert Teichild after 10 hours of film and then you got cut your death got cut only to be mocked I like to think of does it dude from Heart of Dragon that fucking jumped out of the restaurant got hit by a car I love they're saying oh yeah Monk Rudy of the clan Dolomite has been hunting Tupac with this girl and now they have Davey Crockett and Dolomite and I'm

just like this is a fucking movie now like I've really on paper I love this idea and Tupac is now allied himself with the ninjas and right which which they mark the occasion by saying Viva La Raza because that's a common ninja phrase and it's not clear why the ninjas need Tupac though because every time the ninjas have fought the monks they do all right they've they're they're they're they're like five and oh I think against the monks at this point yeah but they got the they got the Japanese guy all right who knows a usable form of kung-fu they have rip torn and Tony kung-fu rip torn and and his little his

sub his bottom did you mean moon honky and coo-coach so it cuts to a drunk guy to the sound of someone else mumbling you mean this is Jimmy Lynch everyone knows Jimmy Lynch from Human Tornado where he played Mr. Motion the guy who got about four percent of the lip-syncing right in a musical performance where he helped the crowd he was wearing an orange jumpsuit that under the giant top he played this character in the first Dolomite too he's basically just Jimmy he has a little scene where he got to stumble around and be drunk yeah this is what he does and they're like every Rudy Ray Moore movie

basically I will say at this point I lost a little bit of what was happening as I have a head captions on which were not helpful I had them set to English and okay for some reason for some reason this broke like trying to get his dialogue here his drunken it switched to Spanish it was like oh no no I got this this is Spanish dude that's more racist than anything in this movie it's not even fucking English speaking it told me he said oh no hey Peromira Kda Ray and then it thought what he said was musical notes for a little bit and then it thought he ended the scene by saying leg leg leg a leg then for the rest of the movie it

would not switch back from Spanish so it I mean half the cast the ninjas are a Spanish based gang so they are Spanish but at the movie like it was struggling with these sub with these subtitles and then all of a sudden it was like it clicked on the scene it was like oh no this is all Spanish you'll never fool me again you will not switch back and the only upside to that afterwards was that uh it referred to all the ninjas as ninos no the ninos I should make it clear to your audience because they're never gonna watch this movie right guys like you're never you don't watch this watch this movie it rules but when the ninjas

that when I say they're speaking Spanish they sound like two packs voice actor they're not trying to like yeah like politely speak Spanish they're like all right Mike Mike Gringo this is for La Raza you know they have the exact same inflections it's it's all it's all very insensitive it has a spirit of racism yeah the jibby litch fight hold on maybe I have a clip that might make sense of Robert subtitles Sam the spill you motherfucker you out here these woods bigot you ought to get your ass a job you know it's ninja everywhere you know whatever I was

looking for a job I got tired of hearing the same fucking thing yep can't be in this neighborhood you have a job yet don't you know there's ninjas everywhere yeah Jimmy this is this is new footage yeah it's attacked by ninjas and since they film this later at a later date they they're different ninjas too they're not Taiwanese kung fu movie ninjas anymore these are like ball ninjas right Jimmy is too drunk up yeah this is a good drunken master fight I was kind of impressed by Jimmy's fucking kung fu fight yeah this is so much more competent than any dolomite fights yeah like no joke perfectly does the falling down

attacks just right that was yeah they still got a choreography from drunken master one like they stole the soundtrack too if you could hear it in the background Christ Dolomite every time someone does a training montage it's Jackie Chan's drunken the first drunken master movie training music so where we have this movie now I guess that the topless purple ninja lady is now leading a ninja attack on the temple like that we don't see Jimmy again that Sam the spliff he's gone he just beats the fuck out of a couple ninjas and then stumbles off into the woods presumably to get a job so we can stop attack by

ninjas out here in these dead end comes the only protection you got but what a fucking ragtag crew that would be if they had Jimmy Lynch drunken master Davey Crockett rip torn moon honky the starting center for the 1998 Chicago bulls so yeah the fights are they're better than they should be I guess like they're just so fucking exhausting this is like go ahead what's that I was gonna say that that stiff and deliberate style of yeah Cynthia Rothrock fighting but but like good very competent but it's just by the numbers and there's no evolution in in stakes like one thing that I think Jackie what I loved about

Jackie Chan growing up was that he understood that every scene had to sort of outdo the previous one like they had to have a reason to exist right and then he kind of just started to feel that way from movie to movie as well he's like I have to I have to constantly outdo myself yeah till he finds running down a goddamn building in Rotterdam control yeah these fights if you without any sort of like end goal in mind or like you know cool gimmick or theme it they just will never end and they don't they fucking don't this is there's an hour left in this movie and it's just by the numbers kung fu

fighting yep basically just this one fight fucking yeah this battle real yeah and looking at the the file I'm just like oh my god I have another hour of this movie yeah and and this is the climax like I can tell like this is it this is the climax every character just kind of came out and started taking turns fighting each other yep everything's on the line I don't there's nothing really I don't have a whole lot of notes for this because there's not anything remarkable that really happens in these fights other than like Tupac activates his elite you know dark skin warriors I think he controls them by like like

whipping wet basil at them he's got some plant-based I have that my notes little splash of verbal water so maybe they're plant men it might be plant-based yeah he's a druid they do die and he turns them into metal men he resurrects them he can do some necromancy and turns them into a golden silver man they are carpenters and they are workers they are not made of warriors I know that like how you name that movie I can't no return of the killer tomatoes starting George Clooney I do like what he the resurrection process for these these unkillable golems is shaving their hair scalps them basically he puts a little

he has these smoking like herbal stick I mean we call him incense sticks that he throws into their scalps and then the frame cuts and they just have like male pattern baldness all of a sudden then they turn gold and silver yeah I do have some fight before that because they're all kind of fighting and then Tupac shows up and he hits his bowl and they're like okay it's over everyone's brains gonna explode but then wutasha I think it's the girl's name yeah lady who or whatever her name is right she starts ringing a little bell and the little bell counters the bowl and so people are like you know extra noise counters it

and you know real quick how long would you say that goes on for oh my god 92 minutes at least at least 92 minutes the sound of it was like driving me fucking crazy and I skipped ahead they do to the film's credit they cut away from it but it's like two solid minutes of bell combat it's insane but then Tupac says nobody steals my shine bitch fuck you and your mama I didn't pull a clip of that because my impression so good it's somehow blacker yeah like it doesn't have any right to be I'm probably gonna give you an NAACP award for that yeah thank you I just see he's way too tough for her to take in a real fight but

everybody else in the movie can take Tupac when he's got no bowl like he's really not like that indomitable of a villain he's tough but he yeah he without the bowl he's he's he's beautiful he's human but but basically they all he's just on his last legs he's almost dead everybody like runs away for no reason can I can I read you my notes real quick oh please I'm it's about a paragraph so bear with me okay my actual notes just forgive the it's just you know rough notes as I was watching this but here we go David Crockett must be in the actual movie because he's in scenes with the

white guys who were in scenes with Utasha who was in that scene with the monks now David fights ninja master here who fights our main character I'm starting to think this is all in the movie I guess I guess Tupac is original footage I think so holy shit if he's not does that mean the sex scene was real the tiddy fight can't be real that can't happen that can't happen I love the real-time unraveling your theories all your fucking notes all of it came apart you could see I wasn't kidding I was tracking like scene by scene going I can figure out you know which nope yeah I feel like you had like a Pepe Silvia

board with like yarn connecting thumbtacks it all just started falling away as I realized I was just looking at the real world you just rip that board down to the ground so anyway they leave Tupac for dead at this point and he gets up with his last breath and he walks over to his sidekicks and he's like you useless motherfuckers and he gives him Buddha palms and that kills them they turn into spinning ghosts then he leaves and he screams I'm the man I'm hot shit I'm king of the voodoo side note how long would you say the spinning ghosts last lasts a long time but comes in parts yeah it's like five

sets of a minute 20 yeah they just there's just ghost spinning over their corpses for a good five minutes too long is the correct answer you want it to come in at a tight two hours so they'd like they'd left in some extra spin I was the next scene they we go to the good guys recapping they have one of my favorite quotes I just want to make sure you don't miss it which is they're all like sitting there thinking we're outmatched by these ninjas which no you aren't you fucking whiz their asses in that last scene and you just kind of left for you got a two tap those ninjas get the fuck out there but they're

planning and how they plan is they talk about planning and one of them says they must use their brains and the other says that's right we need to plan a very good plan and that's the end of that scene they did a great plan fight everybody one by one two by two whatever just whatever like shit I've been given the VO people that put this together that's some good writing that's pretty fun it is great I do want to talk about editing real quick because we skipped over earlier when that one monk recognized the deadly ninja trap he actually killed a bunch of the ninjas first and then they reset the fight so but that was the

only time where that happened where like there's a clear error in the editing where someone like fucked up and put like 20 seconds in the wrong spot but like there's a lot of stuff like what we just talked about we're like let's do a plan and they probably should have included a plan and they didn't but for the most part it feels like a lot of these are deliberate decisions like let's have these fucking ghosts spend for five minutes was not like a oops somebody forgot or maybe they did there is precedent for it so now he makes the metal guys he like resurrects these these guys as like metal metal kung fu guys

yeah here we go get me a couple of ninjas out here I want to show you what these metal motherfuckers can do I'm gonna show you realize they may end up dead right I do I accept these terms for these other men's lives they end up really dead because these guys in the testing phase like fucking feed on the necks of the dead ninjas yeah they're like vampire zombies have they have they pulled that off which is that it wasn't that these these guys eat flesh like the golems themselves in that scene did not realize they eat flesh like they didn't know they learned it yeah they learned that we learned that with them

as they killed the ninjas and then one of them's like fuck it I want it it was really good acting for the moment which was I want to do something I don't know what it is I really want to do it though is it eating is it biting that ninja and then he bites the ninja and it's like looks to his friend like fuck yes it's biting the ninja and the other's like I shouldn't gives a perfect look of like I should not eat a ninja right I shouldn't go like to though I'm gonna eat that ninja even for this movie is it too much that we're also vampires and then the movie decided that yes it was because it doesn't come up yeah it does not they're

just regular kung fu golems from this point but the side which makes it so much crazier that one time they each ate a ninja like bro you believe we did that we just ate that guy's soul that went too far we gotta get that under control yeah because this whole time I was worried like dude Davey Crockett better watch out these guys might eat him yeah yeah that I didn't have to worry about a thing so now they it's almost like a rubber Rodriguez style like fuck it type situation they all just show up at the same spot for a final showdown yeah but it's like a heavy regulated tournament

maybe yeah they send out like chosen first wave like a first like a first seed you know like all right you guys so it's the it's the white guys kuko chan moon honky and they are no match for the middle motherfuckers and they're all like watching like oh geez these guys are like immune to sword and stick they cut to the prince and he's kind of feeling up his like chocolate yeah he's like he's doing is like I couldn't tell if he was like studying the golem men like oh maybe that's that's what he was going for yeah yeah the tiddy ninjas reappears and they send an all-new monk there's like this whole new

guy that fights her yeah and he's the only new guy that the good guys get whereas the bad guys get like two new guys which and they get like a new mask demons to like new flute guys yeah there's a masked demon although that they're I will say they got the perfect the good guys got the perfect new monk I think they went through their ranks and we're like yeah we are completely helpless to this ninja who fights us with her tits and they one guy raised his hand and it's like I kick vaginas yeah he's like I actually been reading hentai this whole time I haven't been observing the rules for one single

solid he does kick her in the vagina until she dies from it yeah it's fucking crazy I in my notes I made it I decided that this was crazy to me because I thought we already had a climax like the film already had the final fight and then everybody left and then made recruits like they fucking brought in more people and then had a second climax with extra people and I just thought that was fucking crazy I made a note of that this is a this is a good 30 minutes so this is like the last hour of the movie is one big climax then this like weird like golem man creation scene which is the kind of a fight still they

fight sure and then this next 30 minutes of a final showdown and then there's a lot of weird moments here where it's they're trying to make it seem like a giant like chess match right like so one guy will like throw some beads into the air and then someone else will throw a bead and I'll be like oh bead cancels be next matchup and it's Davey Crockett fighting four ninjas and they're like okay that's a fair fight David David Crockett's got to fight the the metal men he's right he does eventually turns out they are not they're also immune to plucky frontier whimsy so he doesn't do very well yeah they're immune to sword

but there went one weakness seems to be and I think this is a little antithetical is that when Prince Sonata jumps in after Davey Crockett loses because they're immune to sword he's like but you're not immune to kicks and just kicks them yeah yeah it's not like a thing it's not like a thing that he realizes it's just like there's like oh water like stiffens it nothing it's just no just different kung fu yeah it's just like you know I've made I've made an observation that you are not immune to kicks well everybody tried to use weapons against them before that I guess that you know what I'll give that to them

that makes sense nobody tried just kicks they tried Tupac chairs the chest out of Tony Coo coach and moon honky goes god damn you so they like completely forgot to do that east side lingo that they were doing all day so it's like so this what felt lazy it's just like did you guys just take an hour of original footage and not dub it like it's fucking I think because I started to tune out at this point I'm pretty sure they did too they're like this fight is too fucking long I cannot follow it at all and can you imagine watching this two or three times in the editing bay just absolutely not my notes here just say it's real

it's real it's all real how much time did I waste how much time did I waste tracking all this you hope that piece of a board just tear it off had to be an hour had to be an hour of time I wasted just just don't mind just broke up ripped a hole open in reality was like you were wrong mother fucker so then but Dolomites here watching so he is over they're in a valley but he's looking up at them and it cuts to him and he's like which makes it look tiny it makes it look like he's really tight as we have those maybe you shrink you maybe he's hiding in the grass blades was one of his powers because we don't see him next

to like honey I struck the kids himself for greenery so he might have been really tiny this whole time right and he's not commenting on how great it is he's commenting on fucking the tedium he's like knock one of these motherfuckers down and another one gets up like he's like this is just too much even later and says 10 up and 10 down these little motherfuckers is coming round and round Dolomites sick of this shit you paid him $250 it wasn't enough it's supposed to be over by now god damn it seriously though just cutting to Dolomite on the couch getting frustrated by

the kung fu movie he's watching would be the best show I would I would love watch that it happened here which we're watching yes they just needed more of it yeah they needed way more of it add 10 minutes more to this fucking two hour long movie and just make it Dolomite shitting on it we're good so then Prince throws some beads at the metal men and they melt then he goes off and he's helping hat guy fight Hitler stash because they're also in the mix there's like there are there guys we haven't talked about and again this all should have worked this is a ragtag team versus a ragtag team and each of them just keep

adding to the ranks for the whole film and it's a movie where all the scenes are just basically one big fight scene and then Dolomite fucked around with it and he's in 2% of it so anyway I I say should but it did it ruled Brockway's right this movie rules one point to pack throw some like Sonic rings into the air as one of his attacks but scarf beats Sonic rings so the every time hit that way which I love so many of those scenes are like okay it it's clear that Robert tie like planned some of these is like these are your moves or these are some sort of callbacks because this is the it's build is like this is finally

it it's the scarf's big moment waiting to see this scarf rally but it's the first time you've seen that scarf you're like fucking I'm not psyched for this and it keeps like doing these jump cuts back to like can you believe the scarf is coming out like it's the first time I met the scarf man I yeah there was a whole of the movie where people told her like you know what the scarf's never gonna work let it go you know right there's a better way like I've got a sword I think it's a lot better yeah I did lie when I said that Dolomite was done he comes back in one more time when everyone starts jumping around Dolomite

says I want hold on I want to make one thing clear Dolomite is vibrating and wiggling and screaming and then they've taken that footage and then Dolomite says very calmly bitch is flying blah blah blah blah blah somebody you can't understand they got nothing on them baby well he's just going like it's amazing yeah it's like this for movies version of like porky pigs saying that's all folks yes it's fantastic whatever he said it was ten times more than that also I don't know what he said he's having fun though something all this before we continue one real quick something I forgot to mention towards the

stop is that one one of the first scenes where the our younger honky that it has just gotten his tits ripped off winning this first introduced the YouTube captions were still working and they thought his name was careful white Smith and I thought that was careful white Smith I like that I thought that was kind of wish you would have said that earlier that I forgot to bring it up whole time so much better than Tony co-coach yeah I still like Tony my name's careful white Smith yeah kung fu Rick Torn and careful white Smith perfect name our couple yeah this is like so this movie on paper rules like

everything we described rules like I would love to see this anime or whatever like fucking put Tony jaw in it I'm in but like I was just fucking bored bored tears so fucking bored I'm telling you this movie fucking kicks ass like this movie rules I'm so glad you appreciate it problem with it is that unlike every other kung fu movie that's ever been made it's too full hours long if this movie was 70 minutes long and all this happened which I would love this movie was 70 70 it absolutely could have been 70 minutes and you would have lost nothing like there's there's not even kept all the madness in here and just cut

like cut up the two minutes out of the bell fight okay you could have you could have cut the second climax like or you're cut the first climax make the second one the final climax you know cuz you got the sonic rings and the the column yeah you know you know what happens to when you cut it down to 75 minutes your dolomite to not dolomite ratio goes up just you know without changing anything with dolomite that means we need to read green screens green screen and dolomite have him walk on to the set yeah it can look like shit that'll only make it funnier just get some footage of his like his stand-up

acts and just like cut it in we need to kick start another version of this like the hot dog remaster of the remix of the remaster of the abandoned footage I feel like your your audience would super support that featuring dolomite I don't know how we're gonna do that but AI trainer oh there you go well for brimley we could do it with dolomite the science is there and you have the science absolutely the first yeah the first ethical the first ethical choice so Davey Crockett's now fighting two pack and this is like kind of actually set up you're like oh this is this is the fight this is the good

guy champion versus the main bad guy deadliest warrior Davey Crockett's versus two pack so then do you guys remember that show that was one of my favorite shows at least warrior absolutely fuck I love that I was like ninjas versus Native Americans and shit like that yes I think ninja fought sparking on the show if I remember right right I just the experts they brought in were just always cracked me up because they were just it was like watching their whole reality gets smashed because everything they believe was just fucking nonsense right this weapon would not kill a man right they're like heckin it old old

ham and they're like your little ball sword broke no this isn't the way this something went wrong but right but when a mafia guy would totally be the Navy Seal they all run in and they kick two pack and they all run in and they assemble to him yes they like they form devastated around to park and we're supposed to water wait you know what we're skipping ahead because he first he makes his hand metal right ninja girl says careful of his golden strike it's lethal don't let him get near you and he is fucking blowing craters in the ground with karate chops it's awesome the effects are ten out of ten it just looks

so so fucking sweet I cannot believe Robert Ty cut this from a movie and just left it on the floor for Dolomite to find years later and then they all form devastated around they just hit their ideas get him and it just instantly works like there's no struggle it's just like well I'm fucked and then he does yeah and they she sticks her hand clean through his chest just fucking knife hand chops him a lot of that was the only way people in this movie died was like a knife hand through the chair there's like five deaths in here and they all died that way well that one lady died to crush kick so that's right all

right I guess that guy got vampire yeah couple of inches got eaten everybody else got knife hand spirit though yeah so he dies because of that and that's that's the end that's it and then Dolomite pops in he has some to say about four seconds different from when his mouth said it I have a clip of that yes whenever there's a killing fight I knew I'm gonna win I fuck up a motherfucker every 15 minutes I caught a star traveling a million miles a minute slowed it down to the state speed limit I had the elephant's roosting in fees and the motherfucker that is that is the final word of the movie I think

he was basically the same that sexually aroused by what he just witnessed yeah I totally didn't get the last line but something about elephants and then DVDs like I bvds yeah I thought it was DVDs yeah I think the answer wearing underwear yeah I think you put I don't think I don't think DVDs existed at that in that year so I'm not sure what he did to the elephants I love that the very last I mean the very last line of this is Dolomite making his horse noise and then they just cut hard cut to the end before he's even finished it he's just starts leaving he starts walking off the set like that's exactly as much

time as you bought no shit cut okay but I guess by Dolomite no music to the credits just no sounds and I did so we got the credits now and I actually tried to do some research here I tried to look up Robert Taijitsu Academy yeah the ninjas which in the credits they actually said ninjas the words the exact words ninjas supplied by Robert Taijitsu Academy they had a ninja wholesaler it was a guy ninjas we got a we got tall ninjas short ninjas we got we got real tall ninjas yeah we got Harke ninjas moonhawke ninjas moonhawke ninjas you want a Davy Crockett ninja you got it that can't be done get out

of my office just kid we got ten of them there's nothing so tragic as when the young die before the old here at hot dog space camp we know that all too well a moment of silence please with a late hot dog space class 2023 three-finger Louie Erin crossed Adrian H just wanted to see the stars fuck we told her that's not how it works but she was a dreamer Aiden Muatt Alpha scientists Java on Andy Armando Nava worked hard hard it harder and they say died the hardest badger Benjamin Sironin beam Tulsa Brandon Garland Brian sailor was the first to suggest they steal a

real rocket but we're trying not to place blame here Brian Whitney Rockway loves the meat hilly still does Barry Tumac Cyril was the one who actually stole the rocket and it's his fault Chad Chance McDermott Chris Broward curious glare just wanted to smell space Devin the rogue Supreme Dean Costello Donald Finney will never forget your tragic last words go throughout the whip Eric Spalding fancy shark Jell-A-Ho deserves better than to be torn apart by space apes but he did bring those apes up there Greg Cunningham Hambo Haraka Harvey Pinguini's parents are suing the school we understand they're hurt but exploded by asteroid is a pretty classic act of

God hot fart Jaber Al Aiden died how he lived on the moon Jeff Harassky we've lost every one of our precious John's John Dean's family asked us to say may he rest in the peace he hated in life John Hector McFarlane's family asked us to say may he rest in war John McCammon's family asked us to say may the bastard find no rest John Minkoff's family chased us off their property with a thresher Johnny no fun was ironically too much fun it turns out space is not the ultimate bomb cooler Joseph Searle's will never forget your tragic last words which were just your own name yelled from a saddle tied to a booster rocket now

it may not hurt as badly as losing the John's but we lost all of our Josh's too Josh Fabian we hope you finally found Alf Joshua Alf Graves if only the two of you had met in life Josh s we hardly knew ye nobody could even find a picture leading theories say you were an urban legend Ken Paisley K&M M Jahi Chappelle Mack miserable Matt Riley when you enrolled you told us you wanted to die naked on a comet we laughed at the time Max Baroy Michael Lair Michael Wells that the school is suing Mickey Lohman's family for defamation we are not a school full of buttholes who teach kids that rockets point down Mike Styles

Mojoo and Neil Bailey Neil Schaefer will miss your laughter most of all it went like this war like a horny walrus choking on a smaller walrus is wild it's crazy stuff Nekka 104 Nick Ralston Ozzie Olin Patrick Herbst you asked in every class what would happen if you stuck it in the lunar rover what was the answer Patrick Rachel Rain Vardis Rhiannon Sarkovsky Sean Chase is the one who started the deadly rumor that Huffing Space got you high spotty reception super not had a theory that in zero gravity a fart could propel you forever still going as far as we know Ted H. Thomas Kvatsos Timi Lehi overdosed

on freeze-dried ice cream you can only eat four of those in a lifetime you know toasty God Tom Sikula Tommy G. Wayland Russell Yossarian Yanis Ionitis you were our best our brightest the live feed showed you weren't that way too Dr. awkward all of your instructors said it was impossible to do a kickflip in space they said you'd never land it without gravity I guess I guess I guess the jokes on them because you're kick flipping forever now