The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 126, It's A Royal Knockout with John Bull

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

Brockway cordially requests the presence of Seanbaby and guest, John Bull, to discuss It's a Royal Knockout! The slapstick obstacle course TV special conceived of, executed by, and starring the actual British royal family. And Walter Payton. And John Travolta. Tom Jones headshots Christopher Reeve with a ham. It cost half a billion dollars. Meat Loaf attacks a Prince. It damaged the monarchy forever. This one is impossible to describe.

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100 hot dog. 100 hot dog. 100 hot dog. 100 hot dog. 100 hot dog. 100 hot dog. 100 hot dog. 100 hot dog. 100 hot dog. 100 hot dog. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-Hot Dog, the United States of America's ultimate comedy website. Come support us Patreon.com, 1-900-Hot Dog, if the art is important to you and by art, I of course mean garbage. I'm his royal highness, Robert of Rockway, and with me is the Duke of Babies, Sean.

They will be put into the shrimp on the barbie! Our guest today is internet historian, transport analyst, enjoyer of terrible British impressions that turn Australian and then maybe I think a little Jamaican John Paul Greetings. It's nice to get the the the the Welsh fire India accent There I will not be doing that again. It might happen accident, but that'll be a less purposeful Faith British accent that I lived in New York for like a year and a half. I got used to it after a while.

The fate British accent? Oh yes. To people who like them to your face. It would go to switch to British to make you feel more comfortable. Yeah, there's a sort of code switching thing that goes on. But also I found myself like I come from London. And that means I can put my accent code switches anyway.

And I found that in different situations, I'd either go very London and sound means I can put my accent code switches anyway and I found that I in different situations I'd either go very London and sound like the worst dig van die impressionist ever or go full eagram just depending on who I was talking to. On how many romantic misunderstandings you were having? Yeah exactly you know and that varied night by night you know. Let's see I think I would prefer dig van diek if it's all the same. Yeah, I've got a glass of wine, so I tend to lean that way when I'm out half way in so you'll be all right.

Yeah, because if you do, Hugh Grant, I will fall in love. I'm expecting the accent to vary wildly throughout as we like travel through the various regions of what I assume are terrible faux pas of society on every level, as we talk about whatever the fuck this is but first do you want to plug something? Yeah, I mean obviously as you mentioned I'm an internet historian, a historian of weird shatters someone's once described me which basically means you find me on Twitter and

master done on on medium and I've got books on Amazon and stuff and it's all stuff about things like the time Australia lost wars against the emusnews and things like that and weird television as well They lost a war to the e-mews. Yeah, oh no the Australian is lost a war to the e-mews. You don't know about the e-mew war Man every time I find an e-mew I like at least draw. Oh, no, it was a terrible loss. It was a massive one-sided F***ing ass. Turns out you can't kill e-m emis with machine guns, which is a massive problem in about 1923 I Gotta get this book. That's a good plug That's a great plug

If you want to see emu's not mowed down with machine guns Twitter at garrious for that one. So it's pinned to my posts. You'll find my my my threads on emu Well, this is the perfect subject for you then. And actually, I would like to start at the very beginning because you contacted us for this. You tagged us on Twitter and said, you would love to do a podcast about this. And I would like to open by saying,

that's a bold move. That's a real bold move. He was absolutely right. He was absolutely right, but usually they're not. This is very rare for somebody to say, I want to do a podcast with you. Here's what it is, you should check this out. It's like, it's usually a sitcom.

We're like, somebody's a shoe. We're like a video of someone farting there. Like, we got to talk about this. And you're like, I'll just like,'re like a video of someone farting. They're like, we gotta talk about this. And you're like, I'll just say it. Just like guys, I found the perfect movie for you. It's called Shark Nado. Yeah. Oh, it's bad.

It's good. It's so bad. It's good guys. I think you usually say, having been a podcast listener for about two years, there was literally only one podcast that was ever gonna let me talk about this. And that was your selves. And you called your shot and absolutely landed it. We're talking about a 1987, I guess TV special would be the best way to describe this called It's

a Royal Knockout and I'd like to to take you through my notes. I took some notes immediately upon, well, I watched this to make sure, like, first of all, that it wasn't just Sharknado and then, like, we actually had something to talk about. But immediately afterward, I wrote down my, like, impressions as I went through and the various stages of realization.

So, at the very first, I was like, huh, this is like British wipeout. Like, this is just a slapstick comedy, you know, game show kind of thing. But it wasn't just a British version in that like, we're doing wipeout and we're British. It was like quintessentially almost racistly British. Like I would feel bad explaining this if it didn't actually happen.

Like, this would be very problematic. Like, if it was an American show, they would take place in a Denny's and it would be about gun violence. It's just two on the nose. And so I was writing this down like, this, yeah, I guess this is okay. It seems a little bit. It's funny that they're pretending to be royalty And it took after a little while I went why do they keep just saying the names like they're gonna get in trouble if they just keep saying like this is actually

Prince Andrew when obviously not obviously not you know, and then finally like five minutes in they cut to somebody and I went I have it in my notes Is that fucking Fergie? And that's what I realized. What is actually happening here, this is, this is starring members of the actual Royal family playing, playing a problematic British wipeout. And it's incredible. They're each team captains for a team of celebrities. It's all celebrity, royal family headed, much more embarrassing version of the slapstick show with the least dignity, like infamously,

the least dignity on TV. It's incredible that it exists. It's got a weird amount of pomp that like they keep kind of commenting on, like isn't it silly that we're doing silly things amongst all of these royal, you know. It's really hard to get the tone, I guess is what I'm saying. It's better than that in the sense that, and you know, it's not a spoiler to say that

there is a lasting society implication of this, because essentially the result of this indirectly is that the royal family end up having to pay tax for the very first time in history. That's okay. So fantastic. So first of all, that's true. Like I'm relying on you for cultural context because a lot of this, it's hard to know if people are just writing essays about this show changing how the royal family was viewed are just making, like, I have a thesis statement and I need some views or if this actually fucked things up for the royal family.

And it seems like it's the latter. Like it actually screwed the reputation of the royal Family up in a very major and irreparable way. In a major and irreparable way and in ways that aren't actually often written about in those essays, which at some point I will bring it up when it's relevant, but this screwed the Royal Family in multiple ways. Fantastic. It's one of those things where if you look up, this seemed like a good idea at the time

in the dictionary. If it's not just a picture of the royal family in very dodgy, gestural fits on the show, it's just failing as a dictionary. All right. So this game has a spin-off of something called It's a Knockout. Again, I don't have the cultural context for it. It seems like it was just a pre-curs or two wipeout, just straight slapstick, no themes or whatever.

Yeah, silly. Yeah, silly off course. You know, you're... You're amazing. Oh, still courses. Most interesting thing I found about the original show was that it was the inspiration for Peter Gabriel's games without frontiers. I would say the second most interesting thing I found out about that show and and this show consequently since it did use the same host

Is that he was a convicted sex offender Jesus on a massive scale on a massive just dipping into the field of sex offending All they was a huge scale. It wasn't an amateur. He was a pro. He went pro That like really unpleasant guy that interviewed him before the He went pro that like really I'm pleasant guy that interviewed him before the Stewart Stewart Hall I believe is his name, and I don't have the cultural context to know of this guy He just seemed like your generic host. It seems like This was his claim to fame was the original hosting the original. It's a knockout and then helping to bring This this special back the original it's a knockout seems like it ended in the early 80s And he brought

along with Prince Edward, whose idea this was. Prince Edward had this idea, they didn't recruit the royal family. Prince Edward wanted to be on TV, so badly that he's like, this is my in, is doing a silly obstacle course for charity. So he brought back this already kind of old cancelled show with what turned out to be a very prolific sex offender they brainstormed this whole thing together and Edward was actually a massive fan of the original and that's what straight stays into this

the other thing he's a massive fan of is James Bond and that boy is that show as this goes on yeah and now imagine Superman. It seems like most of the celebrities were taken from James Bond and Superman. I've always wanted, I've got weirdly obsessed with this over the years to the point where I'm surprised my wife is still with me after 15 years. And like, yeah, you can kind of, you get to a point where you're almost pinning pins and bits of paper to boards to try and track who's agent overlaps with who's other agent to get them on the show. Exactly. And who's fandom like for who loves

who's the big meatloaf fan? Who brought meatloaf into this? Because and I guess that's a spoiler meatloafs in this. And the person who brought meatloaf into this was the team captain of meatloaf's team because they actually had a lot of choice in who they brought onto their teams, which very much influences how it goes. Wow, so the captain being a Duchess of your Fergie personally brought personally brought meatloaf into this, requestedquested the presence of Sir Mealof. Requested, she requested the presence of Sir Mealof and communicated to that to Edward who took it onto himself for a lot of these celebs when you look at their accounts.

They talk about just being on set somewhere and getting a phone call from Prince Edward saying, I'm doing this thing. I'm not gonna tell you what it's about, but I really don't. That's a smart move. I'll do it. That's a good move. That's a good move to it. I'm not gonna tell you what it's about, but I will do it. That's a smart move. That's a good move. That's a good move. I'm not gonna tell you what it's about.

You're gonna think it's like a royal ball or something. I've come equipped to get wet, brings flashcards. It's gonna get goofy. I'll just say that. So this takes place at Alton Towers. It looks like a theme park. Am I wrong in saying that's like medieval times? Like it's so it's sort of the probably the biggest kind of equivalent would be

it's sub-Disneyland. It's like Britain's kind of biggest theme park. So think sort of six flags type thing that bigger. And yeah it also happens to be on the estate of a member of the Nebility who realized it was a good way to make money. So yeah, it has, they have a big house there that you can visit and all of this. And obviously they built this giant one out of wood and cardboard for this. That's fantastic. We're on to the setting, like the physical setting and it's already corrupt. It's yeah, it's all right.

We're on to the host, the origination of the idea and the setting. We've already found corruption and a sexual predator. Welcome to A.T. is Britain. That's R.M.O. in yet. It's just all we do. It's just corruption and sex crimes. And people apparently were pretty chill with that until they did this. Let's run down the actual members, the Royal Family participating. So there's the Duke of York Prince Andrew, Duchess of York Fergie, Prince Edward himself,

and the Princess Royal, and that's the right title. Yeah, so Princess Anne is the oldest daughter of the queen, the now the zombie queen. And she is by far the most sane member of that entire family. I had that in my nose. I was going to ask if people like her because she seemed to be the only one with with any charm.

She is the only one who comes out of this entire thing with her credibility enhanced rather than dropped. She's the only one that seems like she really didn't want to be doing it. Yep. She handles it well, but she's very open. The context after we're with Prince Anne is Prince, Princess Anne has always always somewhat disliked all of her brothers and therefore will attempt as an elder sister to beat them at every single opportunity. She has big sister energy coming out to the end of the time. That's fantastic. For everything that happens after this. I agree with her taste too. Her brothers are the fucking worse. Yeah. I agree 100%. I know very

little about them because that's my right as an American is to not know anything about Greybreddon and especially the royal family. Well the things things to know about Princess Anne is she is a legit Olympian and a champion jockey like she has one legitimately one horse races. She was in the 70s, someone also attempted to kidnap her at gunpoint, shot you know, shot up a car driver and everything else. Riped open the door, tried to kidnap her to hold her to ransom and she basically told them go away, don't be so silly. And then a passing, a passing boxer punched the kid

napper and that's how she got away with it. That sounds like bad writing. That's like you panicked and wrote yourself into a corner, you're like a passing boxer. Now they self-crime together. Well, you know, the plot of the beginning of Patriot Games by Tom Clancy, who literally lifts the entire thing and just inserts his character in the place of the boxer. Amazing. Fantastic. Alrighty.

So, yeah, this is all, this is all down to Prince Edward. He wanted to start his TV career. Everybody, it seems like everybody thought this was a bad idea, except for possibly three out of the four people participating. I can't believe you wanted to do this because my notes said that he was just like had no charm or enthusiasm because they just uh Duchess of York gets introduced first and she's like doing a little cheer she seems super like hungover and coming off a cold and sick. Yeah and then it gets to Edward he's like oh yeah I mean yeah, I mean, mom, maybe do this. I wasn't told that we speak in fuck off

Like he just doesn't want to be there from his demeanor. I think that's the lack of charm Yes, it was his idea and he was certain it was going to skyrocket him into a career in television And you can watch him find out live from the second he's introduced on the show that's not going to happen live from the second he's introduced on the show, that's not going to happen. Like, as soon as he opens his mouth, he doesn't have anything. He's out shown just at every turn by literally everybody else with camera time. It's incredible. They are all, or a good percentage of them are genuinely unover by the way, because they did hold a massive royal ball the night before.

Yeah. Yeah. I was getting that energy. We were like, I was getting, and I was getting that every celebrity here too was there and is also now either still drunk or very clearly has done some things that they regret. There's a look in everybody's face where I kind of don't want to talk to these people. Right. I get the feeling that from the research that I've been able to do, well, and we've won very specific incident.

The ball before was a bit of a student-esque regretful night, and it would also have been raining all the time for the last two days, so I don't think anyone was overly enthused when it started. Well, they definitely get into it, I reckon. Yeah, some of them get into it a little more than others. I read that everybody wasn't a fan of this. I had a great quote here from Prince Philip who said, it was unwise and unwelcome. Why doesn't Edward let the TV people get on with it and just turn up to accept the checks he's making us look foolish. Wow. It is right there, I guess. How does he do something? He shouldn't be doing nothing,

Dad. Thanks, Dad, for that vote to come out of the world as you have TV. That's what it's done. Dad's been in about his one stab at doing something outside of the royal family. Why don't you just shut up and take the money you idiot? That's what we've been doing. And that's, he's 100% right. That's what they've been doing up to this point. It's just shut up and take the money.

I feel like you're looking on that now. It's a good use of money. Like, it's sucked. But like, the idea of getting a whole bunch of celebrities together to like run obstacle courses for you is like, I think what I would do if I had an unlimited amount of wealth Right, but then everybody would realize Wait a minute you have an unlimited amount of wealth

Sure, there is that should probably pay tax And you should probably pay tax There's a when he said just turn up and he was really being literal like if you do this you You uh you're gonna make them come for us and he was really being literal. Like if you do this, you're gonna make them come for us and he was correct. Mm-hmm. Okay. His team was pretty stacked though.

Like he had some British actors and broadcasters that never heard of, an opera singer which was weird. But then he had Christopher Reeve. According to Wikipedia, he had Morrissey and Charles Bronson, but I did not see him in the show. Yeah, there's, I saw that on Wikipedia, but further research on anything. Never mentions that Mr. T. Branson and Morrissey were in this.

I don't think they ever, I don't know what that is. I can absolutely confirm that they weren't. I think I'm literally the only person in the entire country that still owns a copy of the original playable and behind the scenes book, which tells you everyone who's there and they did and has quotes from them. But what I do love is that Wikipedia page has become one of those pages where you can add anything to it. Yes. It can't possibly be more insane than what happened. Yeah, I remember before watching this when you brought it up, I looked at it and I'm like fucking Mr. Teas in this holy shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I was bouncing. Moracies in this. I can't wait to see more. So you get killed by a cannonball like this is amazing. But no, no, they're not in it and like blatantly not in it. You watch it and I was looking like, why is Mr. Teasin not in this? Every event I'm like, this is where I would put Mr. Teasin. Oh, Mr. Teasin would kill this event. This is seven years after World's Best Bouncer Competition. Like, he's your ringer if you got Mr. T on your team.

Yeah, 1987 and nobody would pick. Morrissey would be the last picked. Morrissey would be like me on a kickball team in elementary school just like sitting on the bench. Look at the sad. All this powering less than that. Morrissey would be there basically saying, I don't want to get involved

while absolutely wanting to be involved in every single opportunity. Everybody pay attention to how cool I am for this. What? Can you imagine if Mr. Teason and Onion Costume and Morrissey had to catch him, he'd be fucking cool. Holy shit. And you know what's great? We're barely making up something more ridiculous than what actually happens. It's a little more ridiculous. It's 10% more ridiculous than what actually happens, which we'll get to. Afterwards, hold on, the rest of his team was like all Olympic athletes. He had four Olympic athletes on his team, and John Cleese and Christopher Reeves. So it's clearly like, let's stack this with fucking professional athletes and like my personal heroes. Like this guy, I think did it right.

So we're all called him out for that too. He said, like, you're, you've got a team full of ringers here. And he's like, this would be your chance to be charming, and be like a little rascal or whatever. And he just kind of scumbles around and says nothing in particular. The difference though, it becomes very clear though, I think in the team set up very quickly, is you're absolutely right. He has stacked the shit out of his team. But he's done it in the way of someone playing like fantasy football for the very first time

where they just pick the people whose names they recognize rather than actually building a solid team and in the background his sister is just undermining everyone else by picking all the people who are actually good at things. So this is his first chance to shine in this game that he created and he whiffs it. He whiffs it completely as he will continue to do. One thing to clarify is that the four teams are led by the royal family, but the royal family does not participate in the games like it's beneath their dignity. I just find that fascinating. So they knew there was a line. They still thought there was a line to like, well, it's beneath our dignity to scoot on our butts across a muddy field, but to supervise butt-scoting, the supervised Christopher Reeve as he skutes on his butt like a dog across a muddy field.

That's fine. But that's the history of monocated. The history of monarchy's job is to watch as everyone else squirms around in the mud Doing all the things whilst you cheer them on from the side. So the show works as an allegory. It's just not it doesn't work in any other way But what but what an allegory The thing was the queen the queen had specifically said she was only letting this really happen because Edward was massively at the time her favorite, or her and Andrew, and both were up for it. So she had kind of said, look, if you're going to do this, you cannot in any way get involved, you know, divine right of kings or whatever, do not get your hands dirty in this. But if you, I don't know if you spot it, they do at multiple points. They're in the mix. At the end, they hopped you spot it, they do. Multiple points. They're in the mix.

At the end, they hopped on a horse, I think. I don't know. One of the things, one of the problems I have at the show is I had no idea what was going on most of the time. The camera was always in the wrong thing. The announcer's clearly weren't watching the monitor, so they're calling things that you're not looking at. And then the production team would try to cut to that,

and you'd miss it. And they generally did not introduce who we not looking at. And then the production team would try to cut to that and you'd miss it. And they generally did not introduce who we're looking at. So it's just sort of a blurry guy in a celery costume. And you're like, and yet, despite all of that, you get at least one shot of a bear ass, which is not something you expect to see British TV in 1997 on a Sunday afternoon. Also, Rowan Adkinson is here.

He's to be opening the ceremonies. He says something now that we have this context of how this would go down for Royal Family and everybody involved. He says something that was very unfortunate. To compete in games whose grandia glory and overwhelming silliness will be forever remembered and It was That's called lampshading Riven, well done Yeah, he does so much fucking lampshading. It's it's the laziest writing and it keeps coming up

The show actually opens with a liner up down where it says a Hawkins back to the ancient time when every glade echoed to the chart top in favor of, hey, na-ne, na-ne, no, which is not a punchline in any world, it's just like, isn't it silly that we're doing this very fancy thing? Look at the silliness, and they just fuckin' loop through that same fuckin' shit, and Mr. Bean like, I don't know, he just wallows in it. Every line out of his mouth is just like, fanciness, silliness, aren't we wacky? To be fair, I think that was his bit at this point in time. Okay.

Good for him. I actually think Princess Royal and I think she kind of nailed it because she seemed to genuinely be too fancy for this and hated it. What was kind of trying to have fun with it and so I'm like, that's the vibe right there. I don't know. Yeah, that's...

She initially, the two royals that initially refused to do it were Prince Charles, now King Charles, and Princess Anne. And Princess Anne said, this is an utterly silly idea. This is not a thing we should be doing. And then Andrew said, allegedly said, well, that's good because I was going to win it anyway, at which point she said, she essentially said, right, I'll do it then. Yep. And her team, she's got a soccer player, a cricket player, an Olympic herdler, four singers I haven't heard of, a Formula One racer, a horse

racer, someone on Wikipedia added Kevin Klein, great addition to Wikipedia prancers. She's got fucking Walter Payne. Kevin Klein said, Kevin Klein said, Kevin Klein, great addition to Wikipedia, pranksters. She's got fucking Walter Payton. Kevin Klein said, Kevin Klein said, he was able to look key, but he was in this. They mentioned it. I know. Okay. She's also got Kevin Klein, Walter Payton, greatest football player in the world at the time. And Tom Jones and Sheena Eastern. So I, the project team, amazing. Think about that for a second at the point

of which remember the team captains got to have an awful lot of choice on who they had on their teams is at some point that means Prince Sain has gone through some listing gone I need patron on my fucking team. Not if she got sweetness. I really need them to balance out Tom Jones. You know what I mean like there's two ends of a scale here and we can't we can't go to Tom Jones. You know what I mean? Like there's two ends of a scale here and it we can't we can't go to Tom Jones. I need someone who loves to dance, run in the bar like he's making romance. Someone who's not here to start no trouble, someone who's here to do the Super Bowl shuffle, that's what we're looking for in it. There's somebody that's exactly that. I was just making that up. It's amazing. But the thing you got to remember as well is that he would have had no identity or recognition in the UK at the time. Yeah, of course. So that is absolutely a pick

where she has gone right. There are skills I need on this team and I have scoured the world for a sportsman who fits this profile. Yeah. Most of these events are just like darting in a direction and changing direction with like a lot of weight on you. So I mean, Walter Payton can't get better pick than that. It is. It is a great ringer. And I think that's, yeah, that's where Edward fucked up. Is he picked people that play sports, certainly, but don't do it wearing 70 pounds of foam rubber. Right.

If you would pick like the mascot from a hockey team I bet that guy would have whipped as yeah he'd be the king of this He'd be the new king of England's probably If they suggest to me that one thing the XFL might want to think about is whether they need more potato and onion suits on that Feel that they really want to compete with the NFL. There are some fucking moves in that Well, okay, well it gets I'm acting like there's context that will explain it. There's some fucking moves in that. Well, okay, well, it gets, I'm acting like there's context that we'll explain it, there's not. We'll get to it, but it won't, that number. That's what we have mentioned.

So far, it could be real and no one would know. I was an hour into this show and still trying to identify Mr. T's legs at the bottom of a costume. Yeah, I was looking for more of them. Good guys, Mr. T, I know it. And they love, they love like popping out. Somebody is a surprise that they're never mentioned, because there's like 800 people on these teams, 800 celebrities.

And sometimes one of them will just pop up for like three seconds in an event. And I believe, oh, there it was. You missed him. Mr. T, Mr. T just tackled an onion. He's out here. All right. See you later, Mr. T. Okay. So the blue team, uh, Fergie's team, Duchess of York, notable members, being meatloaf, hand-pairantly hand-picked,

hand-picked by the Duchess of York. Needed those meatloaf skills. He looks so funny in this. He looks like a five-year-old sub-zero costume. They got like, a rough break. He looks like a child sub-zero is exactly what I had in my life. No one looks like a child sub zero is exactly what I had in my notes. No one looks like a child sub zero. Because he's dead. That's 100% what it is.

Yes. Oh, I hate this. That is actually very funny. We didn't plan that listeners. I know. I know we didn't plan that. But what if you see him during this, if you scan to him, the first time they show meatloaf, you're like, oh, child sub zero. Mommy made a sub zero costume for her chubby little baby boy. She's also that she's got Paul McCartney and Jimmy Page on the

team according to Wikipedia. According Wikipedia what they're not. The Wikipedia is all four members of Frankie goes to Hollywood. I was just trying to picture this in my head that like meet love Paul McCartney and Jimmy Page are there. And then all the freaky goes to Hollywood and they're like, guys, you know, we should call ourselves the seven music legends, right? I don't really think the editors of Wikipedia have just given up on that. Yeah, they have to have because it's so wrong, but it's also

very high profile. And somebody's just messing with it so constantly. It's wonderful. What she definitely does have is Jane messing with it so constantly. It's wonderful. She definitely does have is Jane C. Moore, Dr. Quinn, Dr. Quinn, and Mille on her team. Definitely doesn't fall regarding and Jimmy Page getting dive tackled by Morrissey and Mr. T. That's the first bond connection, by the way. That is the first of two bond girls who are in this. And and a lesser bond, of course.

And a lesser bond. George Lassenby, the great George Lassenby. The great George Lassenby, of course. What team have we forgotten? We haven't gone on. That's Prince Andrews team. Prince Andrew has... We haven't done Prince Andrews team.

Our Olympic athlete named Judy Simpson. She was a haphathe late who went on to become nightshade on the British version of American Gladiators. Oh, of course. I assume it's the same, it was the same with American Gladiators, but obviously anyone who was black on Gladiators had to have a name that absolutely made that clear. They had nightshade and shadow. Our black guy was Gemini.

Oh, so you were slightly better than Austin? Yeah. In your face. What's again? Yeah, we solved racism first. Oh, yeah, it's all done though. It's done. We named black, I Gemini instead of, instead of black shadow. Like don't remember whatever.

Oh, yeah, he had George Lassenby Michael Palin, Margot Kitter was on that. And John Travolta, a surprise, John Travolta for like, yeah, seconds, like literally it's the best moment when he, when he comes out. Yeah, he really makes the most of his two seconds. Yeah. Uh, they seem shocked too.

I don't know that they knew he was going to do that. Uh, but he seems stuck with, uh, soccer players. It looked like. So he kind of had some bringers too. Yeah, everybody tried to bring a few celebrities that'll just be fun, which makes it so good that Fergie's was Meatloaf. I just...

I was a fun celebrity. I've always wanted to meet Meatloaf. Of course, Meatloaf. That's it. I guess Dr. Quinn. That's it. His size make everything difficult for him. Like, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He's been in a real time out there. So we have several people here. No one of them truly wanting to do this except for Edward. Andrew is here, and it's good you've called that out because Prince Andrew, what I have in my notes is that he's just here to whip ass. he only wants to do this seriously as a competition to prove something to his siblings.

Yeah. As always, Prince Andrew's goal is to beat Prince, is to beat Princess Anne because he has a massive inferior and ority complex around her because she outranks him in the military and still does. Fantastic. And she is here to just not really want to take part in this and effortlessly shut the whole thing down. Did you write down what she says in her answers to Stuart Hall's questions when he asks her what she's looking to get out of it? I might have a clip of that. What did she say here?

I think Stuart Hall asked her, like, what are your tactics going to be? And she's just like, well, very cool, calm and collected. And he's like, well, will there be excitement? And she's like, not until we've won. Oh, yes. And she goes on to say. She goes on to say, could you possibly describe one or two of your team, like Emlen Hughes? And he's hardly laid back. No, this is a team effort. goes on to say. Could you possibly describe one or two of your team, like Emlin Hughes?

He's hardly laid back. No, this is a team effort. I describe them as the Red Perils. The Red Perils? Have you a war cry for us, Ma? No, no, I told you we're the strong silent type. The strong silent type. Thank you.

Silent, silent. Yes, silent type. Yes, yes, yes, I will. Thank you. Good luck to see you. Just yell aton. Sydon. S. Yes, I will. S-Sydon. Thank you. Good luck to you. She just yelled at him. He spoke wrong a little bit

and she just calls him out publicly and yelled at him for her for like 15 seconds. Excuse me, did you just say Thailand? Are you an idiot? Are you an actual idiot? You never said that to him. This whole thing prowling the sidelines like she's fucking the podium. Yeah.

And it is glorious in every way. It's really admitted Republican. But there are many like me who've watched this as a kid. And we're just like, I want either a republic or princess Ann on the throne. Like you want to feel bad for that guy because he just slightly mishpoked, but once again, reminder, he was a prolific child predator at this point. So she was right. She was right to do this 100% right to criticize him. She probably didn't pick the right battle. She might not have known, but he deserved it anyway.

She you could tell she was into it. Like when they would cut to her during events, she was so fucking pumped, like just like enthusiastically cheering for her team. Right, but never when like the camera was honored. They got to her on the sidelines and she's off there like talking like very certainly to people and pointing and like planning to do that.

Right, but they caught on camera and she's like, Oh, so I just showed up. Yeah, she doesn't want us to know, but she was into this. And you see immediately like, oh, I just showed up. She doesn't want us to know, but she was into this. And you see immediately like that attitude, it's just fucking dry as Prince Andrew and Stain. Like that's why he's spent his whole life in her shadows, just trying to deal with that dichotomy right there.

She turned up in full military uniform at Prince Charles' coronation. And walked into that, walked into that abbey, flicked off her coat like she was fricking zuok off in death of Stalin, like just meddles everywhere, and then just went and sat at the front because she knew full world that four seats over from her was Prince Andrew, who has been banned from wearing any military uniform for reasons for the rest of his life That's so good. Oh, that's so good. I liked her a lot in this But I didn't have the ammunition to know why I know I do that's wonderful

We get to our first game which is call out the guards uh, I'm I'm not going to explain the rules here because I don't think there are any and they also don't explain what the rules are. They seem to think they seem to first forget that they have to explain the rules. Then sometimes they'll remember that they have to at least explain the name of the game, which they'll sometimes do after the event. If they do have to explain the rules, they'll often tell you, so knock out fans will know what we mean. And just this show has been off the air for several years at this point. No, they won't

And they won't but uh, we have I believe it's for you plays a Joker on the first game This is never explained at any point throughout you will get it through context that if they play a Joker and they win it means Or I think just anything they do, it's all just points. Yeah, but they don't get to. It's no reason for a team. It offended me on every level that they get to play their Joker twice. It's like, where is the logic in that?

Just let them play it once. That's what a Joker should be there for. And you also don't know that until it's over and they've only played too. No point do you know what the Joker is that they can play it much less that they can play it multiple times. They also did not explain this game so they just they fire a cannon and say call out the guards and fucking absolute madness unfolds. Just anyone is a clown riot, full of royal families and celebrities.

They run out in like dumpy inflated armor with clown shoes on. They all assemble around a crank with a rope attached to a cannon, and then they start spinning. And as they spin, they must leap over the rope every time in this very, very elaborate gymnastic way that flares their skirts up, because they're also all wearing skirts. And it's just spinning and skirts and flailing and twirling and smoke and explosions that are cannons.

And when the cannon gets close enough, it actually fires. And this doesn't just look like chaos. It actually was sort of unplanned. If you're watching the cannon fire that starts the event, goes off in the middle of announcement. Yeah, can I read out what I wrote down as the was my notes on this? Because I thought I would be clever and try

and actually write down what they were doing and I failed miserably. Yeah, go ahead. My notes are Barbara Windsor, who's the weird person. She was big in sex comedies in the 70s. Barbara Windsor drowned out as they start firing cannons into a lake out of theme park. Barbara cackels her sex comedy laugh, the crowd cheers, the explosions and smoke obscured the cameras, contestants in fat suits start running around, we are a perfectly normal

and sensible guy. That's very accurate. I did not write sex comedy left, though. No, but for real, my notes say, I didn't know who won because I was in my notes typing. I can't tell what the fuck is going on. And while I was typing that, that second I looked away, the something happened that it stopped. And I was like, I don't know what happened. No, it was, it's never clear what happens or why. And it's only clear that it's pure madness. Now, it was it's never clear what happens or why and it's only clear that it's pure madness. Now what starts the whole games off is I believe it's Prince Andrew who

fired the cannon too soon and you can hear that he cheats because he sees his sister's going to win. He fires a cannon too soon to kick off the games and Stuart Hall says Another two feet closer to the camera and he would have blown my bloody head off I was sent flying and he does say that later on in the competition When he's walking by another judge with a gun. It was turned it was firing the guns off. He says Well, don't blow my head off the last time the gun went off. It sent sent my eyebrows. Oh, yes, it did. It blew them off. I got a lot of laughs. So with people laugh and he starts to like walk away like like he's playing a bit. Oh, it blew up my eyebrows and somebody's like, haha, that didn't happen. It's like,

yes, it did. I almost died. So at some point, the first game of this very nearly kicked off with a member of the royal family Exploding the head of a pedophile with cannon purely because he didn't want his sister to be to the That's that's how it starts and And it does not get better from there. This game has everything the promise of mr. T Child printers, give it a go-no. Paddiness among brothers and sisters.

It is based as if the writers of friends went back in time and wrote what they thought Britain is like. Right. And it does feel like a real ignorant person's idea of what the royal family gets up to. You see what I mean? When I watched it, I was like, this feels racist against British people. It can't be like this. Of against British people. It can't be it can't be like this of course surely it's not this. They do go to the when they go to the scoreboard they have it being held by the world's strongest man which I thought was a nice touch.

How big is that scoreboard? Which is I? I mean a normal sized guy could could hold it. This it's very well explained though like the the event we just saw was complete madness. We don't know who was in it, we don't know who won, we don't know what the rules were. But then the scoreboard, it's just some fucking numbers. This team has this many, this team has this many, and they spend, I would say 40 minutes explaining that. But not for the number is. The short person is doing the announcing, we're doing a score announcing by the way, is a British magician called Paul Daniels. So you guys got Penn and Taylor, we got Paul Daniels,

who is very much a discount version, but never ever ever Google Whizbit, which is the kids TV character he invented. And it's a genuine horror to all mankind. We are talking already betrayed you. Oh, no. He's like a little triangle monster. Loveable TV kids character with bit to believe it meant to be a magician's hat but is a legitimate nightmare, nightmare fuel for an entire generation. It's a pizza the hut muppet baby.

It's a pizza the hut muppet baby. It's the sex toy of that I think is right that land on that. Yeah, there's a sex toy of pizza the hut muppet baby. Okay, so I believe I believe here because a geoker was played, which is only explained after the effect when Stuart when Stuart Hall says, as you know, knock out buffs, the points automatically double. No, you didn't. But you do, I guess, at this point retroactively. Red, which is the Royal Princess Anne's team,

wins, and the man who staffed his team with ringers, and did this whole thing to make himself look good. Prince Edward loses really badly and is not taking it well. Like he's throwing a mini-fit and trying not to get caught on TV throwing it. I heard baby. First event, because Fulub does only performance, lost place in the first event and throwing a little tantrum about it. A member of the green team got his skirt on his Chubby Arbor costume. costume caught in whatever this device was.

Oh right. And they have to strip him down to, I guess he was wearing pantyhose. I don't know why they had to wear pantyhose, only pantyhose. And you see him walk off in his pantyhose and briefs. That is Gary Linnaker, arguably at that point, one of the greatest footballers in the world. Mid season. This is still, well, the world, mid-season. This is

still while the football season is going on. He is a Barcelona player. He should be in Spain. And yet he has flown over to do this. And you should think there's no way the insurance on what that would work in. What if he got hurt twirling a fat suit with clown shoes over a cannon? Which already almost killed somebody. How do we even say that in Spanish? To your manager at Barcelona, that's what you need to do. We move on to the next game, which they forget to name for now, and we'll tell you later. So I'll do the same thing. Are you going over the judges because the judges really don't need to be skipped over. Okay. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Because the judges are your four judges who look like they're straight out of Hogwarts and who are genuine British aristocrats. They are not mentioned again. They never show up again. But they are the Duke of Westminster, the Duke of Gloucester, the Duke of Roxpert and the Duke of Albrekord. And without spending much time on him, I'm going to say, I'm going to set you a question here. Duke of Westminster gerald the first one up. How much do you think he is worth in dollars? And that dog shows worth a lot. Yeah, and dogs are dollars. In dogs he's like 17. Duke of dogs, the Duke of dogs here, he's got to be, well, 20 million dollars. the duke a dog's here he's got to be what 20 million dollars. That man is worth 13 billion dollars. Oh my god. He is the largest landowner, he's found he had the largest landowner in like Forever

because they've been around forever. He is the reason that the US Embassy had to move in London to their new site because he owned the land it was on and they tried to buy it off of him for a synumount of money and both he and his father turned around and said, we won't sell it to you but we will swap it for the land you took off during the American Wars of Independence. And the government, US government said, well, it's not really what we do but if you tell us what it is, maybe. And I believe you call it North Florida these days.

That would have been a good trade, we should have done that. It is a good trade. I would trade call it North Florida these days. That would have been a good trade. We should have done that. It is a good. Yeah, I would think it would have done this well, but yeah. Give that back to the crowd. It would have been going much better if that it is right now. Yeah, I mean, the others are only worth generally between about sort of 20 and 200 million quid.

Ah, you know, they're low ball and they're such a good way. There's no reason for them to be there. You say they're just, they're just isn't. Yeah, they don't show up again. I didn't think they were important because they showed up for, I wanna say a grand total of 15 seconds. Each of them said something,

you immediately forgot while you were talking. Right. And then they are never shown again. I didn't assume that that would be the collective like GDP of a continent. Right there. Yeah. What you essentially have there is the GDP of what would rank as I think number

eight sized country in Europe between not too bad. And then they're gone. They're gone and we're playing a game that we don't know the name of. We do know Christopher Reeve does not enjoy it. They cut to each of them for their for their impressions. And they say something, you know, very generically sporting until Christopher Reeve who says, I'm in trouble here. This is not my element. I don't think he knows what's happening. Like, I don't know.

I just have ever seen Christopher Reeve and he had a real rough end of life. Okay. He seemed much more game for some other stuff. He's living in London at this point. He's just on Superman 4 and he's just got divorced. It is not okay. Yeah, I would explain it. No one is trying to win among children. Like, Christopher Reeves wet like 6-3 and he is just towering over these people. Tower was over Barry McGuig in the box of it. He's I think comes after him who just says when he's when Stuart him, like, what do you want to do? He just says, I just want to get out there without Tom Jones throwing a ham at me.

If he hits me, I'm going to go get him and I'm going to drown him. And now I thought there was some slang going on here. I thought there were some colloquialisms I didn't understand. And then they start the game and Tom Jones is at a table throwing hands. Just throwing hands and throwing hands and cackling away at the so this game which they did not explain or even name before they started doing it

sees a Christopher Reeves scooting scooting ass first like a dog over a spinning log over a pond while tom jones in a fancy dress costume throws inflatable hands and just really enjoys it maybe a little bit too much. I mean, he commits, you got to give it to him. Tom Jones can fucking throw a ham. I want to say Christopher Reeve is very good at this.

Like he is majestic at log hump. He's just, he consistently gets across that pole. Yeah. And that one else does. Exactly. The ham's doing nothing. He's taking ham straight to the head. Doesn't fuck his composure up at all.

Just, and Tom Jones is landing those hits. He's, he's head shotting Chris for Reeve with a hand. He's like, this is the first time Tom Jones is throwing a hand. What? Well, he asks you to cross this log for the royal family. The person throwing Hams alongside Tom Jones, by the way, is Jenny Agata, who you probably would know if you saw her in a film, because she's the main woman in American Webwolf in London.

Okay. Oh, hey, yeah. I did not recognize her or a lot of these are. A lot of these. Even by British standards of the time, a lot of these people are sea-list at best. That's the impression I got. This is like celebrity practice. Is first you go from sea-list to S level, like just with no warning between the celebs. You have you get one meatloaf on your team and then the rest, the rest have to be, you know, not.

It's basically like you're having a 40k. You have a certain amount of points you're allocated or to allocate your team and you get a couple of superstars And then everyone else just gets bogging Yeah, you burnt your spend on meatloaf and now you only got pions. Yeah, it's too bad You got to climb now you got to take the four members of frankie goes to Hollywood But not even them you get them added your competing a 20 years later Smart the smart move is to it's to spend your points to stock your front line with Tom Jones-ham. Tom Jones-ham hookers can like three of them together will take down a meatloaf.

Now, the smart move is to spend it all on Walter Payton who no one else in the entire country is fucking heard of at that point. Okay. So, now that that game's over, we explain that was called the Asta Marathon, and this is an important bit. These games have sponsors. Yes, the games are sponsored, so they went to large businesses and explained what they were going to be doing and why in large businesses said yes, please attach our name to the one

where Superman humps the log, well Tom Jones hits him in the face with hands. We would like that very much. To be fair, Asda is essentially British Wal-Martin is now owned by Wal-Mart. So I can absolutely see Wal-Mart going, yeah, I do that, we'll back that. I get it.

Well, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart, Tom Jones, ham hookers. Yes, of course. Of course, our next game is called Ghost of Alt and Towers. Okay, this one was fucking weird to me because the interviews were about ghosts. And I thought this is definitely slang. Tom Jones throwing ham, sure that was literal but the ghost must be like a ringer, right?

No. No, no. Before we explain anything or play the game, two jokers are played, Edward and I think it's, it's Andrew plays the other one. Yeah, see Sandra Andrews, the other joke here. So they both, you can both play jokers and both decide that you get double points, which does not make sense to me. But of course, nothing here does or ever will. So this, this So they start this game

and I believe the first competitors, I did not catch their names, the two Olympic athletes, they frantically start hopping. They're not like tied together in a sack, you just have to hop. So they start hopping while gathering roses placed about a field and from behind them,

a giant foam rubber ghost, a headless ghost, thunders down the field and he, you think like maybe he's gonna tag her whatever, he just fucking tackles one of the ladies. It's just, it's really fun to, to the ground and you're like, oh shit, this is real. They really, they really should be scared. And then they, they reach the end. And that's when we reveal that scoring, the scoring is either time or roses,

never explained which one is going to be which or how they apply. But somebody gets roses, somebody gets time. What do you get, sir? It was Judy Simpson, the one that did not get tangled. She's nightshade. And I wrote that she was a beautiful gazelle. I mean, she's just like horizontally

bounding like a kangaroo while the other lady is just getting mulled by an unknown celebrity in a costume. It seemed like he was still, right? He was still attacking her while she was down. Yeah, look, it's over. And he's there. That's Debbie Flintoff, who was, it was an Australian gold medal, herdler. So that, that was Princess Anne's choice again.

So she is half 100% going for the win on that one But you should have one like that's on paper. That's a great choice. This is a fact She gets utterly taken out. I think I think it's Viv Richards the cricketer the jock Okay, he does and had no mercy on her for No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no her like a bear. Well, actually, they actually carry her off injured. You can see it in the back of the shot. And her teammates come and carry her off injured in like the, the third game we played, it just mulled by a ghost. It's just one of the notes again in my underlined toys.

Who is in insuring this? It's, it's utter, like, it's utter madness and it's so early. I love this too because I just watched physical 100 on Netflix and in that show it's about a bunch of like Korean muscle men and women, like kind of just torturing themselves and it's, they'll take the same event and just ring it dry across five episodes. So I really like this where it's just like behold whole the strangest event you've ever seen. Next, and even more of a something, I'm not targeting because some of that do a custom next, like just fucking, there's no time to explain what it is who won, how the score works, or why. We're already doing

something crazier and everybody's hurt. It's just an endless progression of that escalated quickly memes just back to bat. Yep. So they cut to a Fergie seam who won and here's the showmanship she displays. Let me ask the Dutchers of York, will you please that performance man? Will you please do? Yeah, it's brilliant. Do I have to send them to the else? Is your voice coming man?

No. All right, let's go and find out what was happening elsewhere. Do I have to say anything else? No. You're still, lady, fucking. You can kick the guy in the pond if you wanted. Let's go somewhere else. Let's just do something else.

Sarah Hardcastle, who's her contestant, who's her contestant, I think it's her contestant, is only 17 when she's putting this event. And having seen how just heavily taken out there be flint of what? You can just imagine her lining up and just sitting there going, what a guy told myself into. You have to legally, you have to tell me if Walter Payton is in the ghost costume. I'm not running down this field with Walter Payton fucking barely like a phrase. You would just get him.

You missed it. He wouldn't even know he hit her. He would just he would collect all of the roses at the end and be like, did I do it right? Nobody explained what this is. Just be like a straight sort of street fighter move just going straight through. Charge back forward and destroy 17-year-old. So this fan and Edward never comes in third, leaving him still dead last and he is so unhappy. This is all his idea. He's throwing a little fit. He's no longer having fun. And he was terrible when he was having fun.

And that was already falling apart as well. School board isn't already given up and it's falling apart. Right, because in each event, sometimes they'll write down points and sometimes they'll write down times and they'll never compare like how they stack up to each other or why and then they'll declare a winner. And so it's just chaotic.

It's being held by the world's strongest man and it's half his size and made out of magnets. It's goddamn wreck. Yeah, I feel it was causing a fat and he adds, and you can see Jeff Cates almost almost clock him and realize he's live on TV and go. Yeah, I think he does. He goes hand up, he kind of gave him a little pat on the head,

but he was like, that was almost a bash. Right, and that was a little bit. You can play that up as a little bit, but they try it again later. He says something about like, I was having trouble navigating around him or whatever. And you can see him get jostled a little bit, you can play that up as a little bit, but they try it again later. He says something about how he's having trouble navigating around and whatever. And you can see him get jostled a little bit. You definitely put an elbow into his back.

That was not for a cute bit. It was just like, you fuck, I told you, you fucking watch it. Shulpe, fuck up. So now, I feel like the show could use some graphics. The Battle of the Network stars, if you've ever heard of that. This was like a show from the 70s where they'd get like TV actors and so proper actors and you know sea listeners and athletes and they would just sort of like do toggle war and shit. It was exactly this but despite being 10

years earlier it makes this look like a school play like it would say like here's Linda Carter from the television show Wonder Woman and they would say her name on the TV screen. This is it doesn't do either one of those things. So it's just like, here's a guy running past that I was like, tragically looking people up on Wikipedia, like, who the fuck is that guy supposed to be? Trying to identify him by the legs because everybody's wearing a fucking mask.

What are these? This is Mr. T. I know it! Even at the time though, this was like, you would have those graphics on TV in the UK as well. We had shows like the Krypton factory, which was all special effects and all of this. So this looked bargain-bind even at the time. Yeah, you can tell it's not it's not put together. Like it was it was knocked together in a night by the least competent royal and a child molester. Like it was not

it was not executed very well by an elite team. So he was so well distracted. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. Oh, we'll be cutting that. Okay. We have a new thing we do. We clap when we say things like that.

So we know where to cut it. Good plan. And we never do. We never do. We probably want this time either. All right. So so Edward throwing his little face. It's time for the next game, which is McDonald restaurants knock a night.

Can't believe this response. It's like the British Royal Kingdom, Bratty by Ronald McDonald. Not since. Bratty by McDonald's. They have a big bag. They swing at night dummies well instructed by another team member up top. It blue plays another Joker before the rules were to be clear to listeners. They're blinded. Like one person has a big bag and they're blinded and they throw the bag. Okay, sound like it's going in a in chronological order to to try to Okay, sounded like it's going in a in chronological order to to try to of course Sorry in the chaos. So you're you're explained that that they they swing a big bag at the nights while another team member instructs them Fergie plays a joker here again the first time you're like wait, you can do that now So for the rest of the rest of the match you're like can they just do that whenever and

the rest of the match, you're like, can they just do that whenever? And they start to explain more rules, and then they run out and put a big goofy mask on the player because they forgot to tell you that they're blindfolded. Yes. And then they explain at this point, after they put a big goofy bearded guy mask, they say, and now he's blindfolded, he can't see through that, and then they start going. So less, less made it easy. I think it's the most that looks exactly like a really, really bad caricature of Jeff Cipes, the world's strongest man. Is that what that was? Yeah.

Yeah. This all is intentional. It's this is the case. Burn. Now, I thought this was sort of a sort of a beyond Thunderdome gulag situation, where some sort of last minute punishment for the player, since it really seemed like they just ran it out the last minute. So they run out, they throw it on and they're like, yeah, by the way, it's blindfolded, go. I don't think you knew entirely

that you were going to be blindfolded, going into this. And I don't think the instruction reflects that. Green team goes first, I don't remember who the lady is, but her instructions, the very first thing she says are, pull it back really far and push it, yeah. Ah, that's Fiona Fullerton who is our second bond girl of the year. She plays a polar, even over, I think, is. The beautiful girl. Yeah, that's the one.

She's known for her strategy, clearly. Pull it back and push it. That's about as helpful as she gets. for her strategy, clearly. Pull it back and push it. That's about as helpful as she gets. So, the thing is sex comedy level. I mean, I wrote down a couple of quotes from her and it's push it, push it, straight, Gary, push it hard, push it really hard.

Will Gary did it, sir. Gary did it, sir. Yeah, I think it was designed because every one of these, they, a few of them will get like rotate to a certain degree or whatever. Most of them are just like, give it to me. Give it to me. I'm right here. I'm waiting. Give it to me hard. Don't knock that night out of the way and come inside of me. Yeah. But uh, it's forwarded into my mouth, meatloaf. Meat. She calls them meaty. Uh, you know who's great at this?

Walter fucking Peyton. When he'll, that it's Walter Peyton and he'll say, Sometimes out there, just wrecking it. Clear's the whole set of bowling pins. Yeah, this is also how I dispute your thing that they didn't notice was coming, because that's Jenny Agueter again, that's who's doing the in the announcement, the instructing.

And if you listen, she's clearly got a code language of them. It's like she's saying stuff like turn watch and ring ring and they're all military terms. So I think Anne had them ruthlessly briefed as to how they should do this. Yeah, I think they told some people what was happening and not others. I think that probably came down to the team leader.

So I think like Anne was briefing and planning. She thought she'd tell her to do her stuff. Where was think like Ann was, was briefing and planning. She thought she'd done whatever herself. Where was Prince Andrew and was like, do your best. Well, I thought it was a point, mate. I thought it was really funny because when, it was revealed, it was Walter Payton, they interviewed like how he did so well.

He's like, oh, I thought that. Oh, you got the clip, excellent. Yeah, yeah. Well, first of all, they don't tell you that it's Walter Payton. So somebody just fucking cleans up. He cleans up the whole thing. So good that he keeps going after they're all knocked down. And they forget everybody celebrates and they forget to tell him that he's killed everybody around

him. So he's still just swinging away. Wait, wait, stop, stop. They're all dead. You've done it. So now they take off the costume just now and reveal that it's Walter Payton of the Chicago Bears. And they cut to him for an interview for his strategy and it's some really good tactics by Walter. What I did was align myself up before we started and I just push it straight and I knew it would come back. So that's why they just raised my arms out and it came back. Absolutely marvelous. Absolutely marvelous. I love it because it almost sounds sarcastic because it's so stupid and simple, but being really good at something stupid and simple is like what made him a world champion.

But you can also see how overjoyed Anne is in the background shortly because he bends down and she knights him with a wooden sword. Yes. I think might technically be valid. I think he might be so world-spirer. Sweet best. And then my notes like, wait, doesn't that count? What else is needed for that to count? Her Majesty and Princess Royal is super

into this for the record. And it gave us a new night in Sir Walter of Peyton. Got it for his prowess on the battlefield, killed eight nights in six seconds. No, the team is a disgrace. I had that in my notes that the thrower was Duncan Goodhue. He's a swimmer and he was getting screamed at by an opera singer named Dame Quiri Te Canawa and they did not do very well. They did terrible. Ittyocracy. Remember ittyocracy when the third Wilson brother is beef supreme and he's like Played at the crowd like, oh, do is he this way? And it was like, no, no, he's not that way

It reminded me of that because like the screamers hey to your left and he just goes to his right and It's so funny At some point in here and gets way too into it and runs out to protest a point. I think here and gets way too into it and runs out to protest a point. I think Andrews team was it? Was it? It's yellow. It's Edward. It's Edward.

She does it here because she claims that Duncan Good who stared like pushed over one of the nights because he stumbled into it when he was being an idiot and falling over. So this is the first time we see them like, no, no, this is not fun in games. We are now starting to see straight up arguing with with the magician Paul Daniels about this. She is looking like she will be very serious. Yeah. She's like, my Royal tradition, the armor must be knuckled not my Bumble Reba rather a proper bar second.

I've got scroll down in my notes. Isn't this why we have judges that we saw for 15 seconds? Right. Yes. or for 15 seconds. Right. Yes. And they, they're off screen and they'll, they'll occasionally say, well, the judges have decided, but they will never. They just don't care. They're like, would they hit it anyway? Because he was like lined up with it.

Was there a logic? They explained that several times that like, no, no, he would have hit it anyway. The four richest men in the world have decided. Have decided Walter Payton whips ass objectively. The literal illuminati have rules. That's what I was saying. Pricingly the rich people have decided the rules don't matter. But everyone thinks the illuminati are out there running the world

and really they're just judging it's a knockout tournament so they're like, that place. That's what it looks like. This is how this is robot jocks rules. This is how world conflict is decided really. Like we think it's the war. That's what it looks like. This is how this is robot jox rules. This is how world conflict is decided, really. Like we think it's the war. That's entertainment. It's all decided here.

Now, as she runs back, as she runs back, shuts down, they don't slide with Princess Anne. She gets shut down, the Illuminati shuts her down. And in the background, you can hear Stuart Hall says, you can bet there'll be protests about you, Meatloaf. But we don't understand why. What? What the fuck happened?

What did Meatloaf say? Stuart Hall is not wrong, by the way. There will be protests about Meatloaf, but for other reasons. So we never know why. There's so much that happens off camera. I think you brought pretty much corn syrup awareness to the British people. Thank you. And then there's some protests about it. So

meatloaf, meatloaf is up next in his in his mommy made my sub zero cost to me to make fun of it. So I do actually know why I have again I have done nerd research into them. Oh, you know, more and they know why they need to know. They're going to be complaints. Meatloaf's trousers have already broken before he actually gets down to do the thing. Meatloaf is sack out when he's doing this. There's an instruction to the cameraman to not shoot it in a way that shows that Meatloaf is from the right angle. It's broadcasting Fasting Sack. It has playing, okay, picture with it,

playing this entire game with his dick out. With all of his genitals hanging out. Because he's Meatloaf and that's a Meatloaf moment. What? That's a... That's a two minute gym stymon song about it somewhere, I'm sure. It's 18 choruses, there's 400 people singing

and stacked melodies all about meatloaf testicles and how they defeated the Greatest Knights of Britain. Yeah, but they don't announce that it's him. It's like they started. And I mean, I, you can identify him by his penis, of course. Yeah. Like the screener is calling him meaty, which kind of gave it away. Also, there's not a lot of people that have like four foot wide American asses. Yeah, I assume that there's like, don't that they just call a meaty because

They're not going to do a surprise reveal first because it's dick is out I mean there's only one contestant who's dick is out and you know it's gonna be meatloaf but yeah, they call him His announcer is caller calls him meaty the whole time and I have a clip on that because I love that I love the many meaties that happen here. Now meaty 11 o'clock meaty that's yes no 12 o'clock 12 o'clock go for it 12 o'clock meaty go yeah meaty coming back if you try that again try that again meaty 12 o'clock yeah go for it meaty go yeah try that once more yeah Yeah

It's the cutscene from paradise by the dashboard lights right there Count the fact count the factual I wonder like is she shouting me to to a vote to tell him what to do Well, does she not know that he doesn't know that he's balls out of this Yeah, which is she talking to him or has crutch the You got to meet balls out make balls are out made it. I love that they made these sticks by the way that they will call him meaty again later in this competition. It's a good nickname. I wonder if he started that or if they just decided it because it's it's wonderful. He meatloaf, chaotically knocks over like six nights with his dick out. It's a really good job for a big drunk guy

Funnily empirically that meatloaf enjoyed this because he turns up in the sequel Real I could tell from his boner, but like I didn't I didn't realize that he showed up for a second one There is there is a sequel to this about a year later in which they go big They don't they realize the royals are a bad idea and then I have nothing to do with it. But it's basically the US versus the UK versus Australia. And meatloaf is the captain of the US team. Fantastic. With the performance like this, you know he's cool under pressure because he's still

knocked down six with his dick out. That's the man I want leading my armies. I don't know what your qualifications are for a leader. A princess Anne, basically, she just looks like a triumphant general throughout this entire round. Yeah, once again, once again, just dominating, they beat every, they will not be shut down and Walter Peyton just murdered everything around him as he always does. He came out of

the bloodfugue and was just like, did I do good everybody? I'm a knight now, all right. Now we cut back to the Azda Marathon, which was the event where they crotch scoot over a log while the Hams are thrown at them. That's right. One of the events is broken up into rounds

that take place in between other rounds. Again, did not tell you that and we'll just be randomly jumping back and forth to people scooting around with hamster being thrown at their heads. This time this time John Colleases at the ham table and I just struck me how completely at home he's he must be like this is a Monty Python sketch. Yeah, absolutely. sketch. Yeah, absolutely. He must be the only one who's like, Oh, I know exactly what to do here. I actually spoke to Michael Paylon about this, this event, one of the books I need. And I think I might have been the only person who had ever asked him about it's a knockout. And he did tell me that the person who enjoyed it most out of everyone was John Cleese. And the John Cleese, when they kind of sat through to rehearsal, having to

watch the military, because the military did the rehearsal of this. Watch the military doing it, and every other celebrity's looking aghast. John Cleese just kept hysterically laughing and shouting, I want to be a potato, make me a potato. LAUGHTER That's so weird. That's so weird.

The military did the rehearsals for this, but they still made them dress up as the potatoes. Still made them dress up in the castle. They have the British signal called fresh back from the Falklands deployment running this. The two stages of your life have been, yeah, your two stages of your life, like four, have been fighting the Falklands war against the Argentinians and then coming home and being made to practice X and knock out for them. Oh, it's like it's like being on but in reverse, like I came home and they spit on me. I came home and they made me a potato. Where's my parade? Where's my where's my onion costume? I joined the army to get money for college.

I joined the army to be a potato. To be a potato for John Cleese and it was an honor. It was an honor to show him how to potato. He does, he seems so at home in this round. They dominate too, the ham team dominates. They only got like a single point from him. Yeah, the ham team, John Cleese, John Cleese, it lives, this is where he lives. He lives at a table throwing ham at royalty sponsored celebrities. Like this is, he uniquely, his life has done nothing, but prepare him for this. And I think this is the only event

of the red team to bad up. Yeah, they get massacred. They get across one, like by far the, by far the worst. And, and yeah, that's down to that, that's down to John Cleese, which is Anthony Andrews, a classically trained British actor, doing his best sex face as he kind of crawls. Oh, yeah. He's swarming across that thing.

Some of them are very desperate. They're very serious to win this. They really, really wanted to get across that log. And Chonk Leaks is just back there. I'm assuming still drunkenly, just whip in hands and taking them down. Well, that's damn right. But I still think that was the best thing

they could have done about this was because everyone got so utterly drunk together the night before in their team groupings. That instantly gets you into a position where you go, we are a team now because we are all hung over together and we will win this thing. We will die as potatoes together. We've all seen each other's genitals and in the case of meatloaf, we will again. Okay. The next one is called Canada Life Assurance Lovers. It is.

We just like a scoundler and insurance fund. Yeah. It does sound like a controversy. The Edward comes out and plays. It feels like his fifth Joker. I don't know. He, this is his chance to say something charming, so he does not. He turns around at Leap's.

That's, you sponsor this to get on TV and you're already just like, no, I'm done. I'm done. It's going bad. I don't want to do it. The rules of this event, I believe, because again, not really explained or like half explained, there are, it's a Romeo and Juliet thing. There are Juliet's up on the balcony and what they have like a bunch of roses and then

the Romeo's are below and the Romeo's have to run across floating platforms and climb part of a rope and grab the rose from the hand of the Juliet, run it back and place it on the ground. And then there's a twist about halfway through where you think they've won, and now the Juliet's have to climb down the rope and run across the floating platforms as well. I guess who does it?

I thought who got the most roses? It turns out it's time and then sometimes roses, which is consistent throughout. It's time of roses, which is consistent throughout. It's time to roses. Nobody knows. Right. And some of the women just jumped into the water rather than climb down the rope. So I don't know that. That was a penalty. That's okay. So that was a penalty, which they did not explain to his team. That was Andrew's team again, because once again, and Prince Andrew is the one who chees. Yeah. Yeah. They definitely tried it.

And it worked because even though green team jumped, she just, she's fucking faulted. Like, as soon as it was time she didn't try. She just vaulted straight over into the water. It was like, we've calculated that it's only a 10-second penalty. And they were right. They still won. They didn't have like a protocol for it. They're just like, I don't know, make it 10 seconds because we didn't think anyone do this.

Prince Andrews fucking Kenny Gamesmanship I mean this stuff gives me newfound respect for like people like who designed like Ninja Warrior obstacle courses Because I have to think about this shit and you kind of go well, okay It's just doing stuff and then you watch something like this and go okay, no that is a really hard job Yeah, somewhere in this mix. I believe it's red team Tom Jones is against yellow team professional boxer and it doesn't seem fair except for Tom Jones whips ass at this, which I guess you should have seen coming.

He was just neck and neck with him. The only reason they lost is she and Easton is way slower at getting down a rope than Olympic javelin throw or Tessess Anderson. Yeah, and who would have known? It's important that we've proved to that. That's the word problem that we've proved today is that Tom Jones, no matter how fast your Tom Jones goes, it just doesn't matter if you're sheen and he's didn't will not meet him halfway. Tom Jones, they are trying to avoid his crutch too. Like he comes out in tights and I'm like,

oh, he's a notorious pelvic thruster. This can be dangerous to get that pelvis wet in a skin tight outfit. And so luckily, they really avoided that for the rest of the event. So the behind the scenes fact on this is the original thing was meant to be that he, I think, is doing the event, he not meant to do this event.

He's meant to do the one where they swing stuff. Okay, who did the swing stuff event for the red team? Walter Payton. Walter Payton. It was meant to be doing this one. Walter Payton took away. Took something away from Tom Jones again. I think that's probably.

Yeah, you want Walter Payton on the other one. Yeah, I think it was a good swap. I think it was good tactics. Yeah. You want Tom Jones doing the Marxa-do-sing of women, and you want Walter Payton on the other one. Yeah. It was a good swap. I think it was good tactics. Yeah. You want Tom Jones doing the moxadoosing of women, and you want Walter Payton murdering as many people as he can. Yes. This was a delicate one because they're like floating docks. And like the thrusting power of Walter Payton would have

pushed him right into the water. And then, you know, he'd spend the whole time on this entire thing. I think my grand desire to recreate this entire thing as a JRPG game, because I just think it would work so well. Tom, Tom's better stats, better love, better charisma, first party composition, you know, you're like, oh yeah, no, this is the, this is the, this is the war to Vulta versus the, the potato runner.

Do you think this is all a good idea? It just should have been a JRPG and a television special. Yeah, right. Okay. I've always wanted to play Meatloaf in a JRPG. I've always thought he should attack and dethrone God. Like that's that's my guy. I have his songs are about it. Yeah, I mean, 13-minute cutscene is well in his wheelhouse. Exactly. Which is me one song the whole time. So someone on red team that I don't recognize because he's British, register is a protest and he it looks to me just so they they don't have audio on this.

It looks like it wasn't supposed to happen because Princess Anne runs out and yanks him away by the elbow looking really unhappy. She's like, take your van if you go full JFK on this and like just keep watching it frame-by-frame. As far as I can tell what happens, again, perfectly normal serious country, is that that's Cliff Richard, one of our greatest ever rock stars, think of him as the Christian L this, is probably the best way to think of him, but he essentially objects, then withdraws the objection because the yellow team go, oh, it's just a game cliff, at which time he kind of goes, oh, okay, fair enough. And then Princess Anne runs out to essentially

try and stop him withdrawing the objection, then realizes she's on camera and realizes it's a better look if she doesn't do that. She's whatever it is, he very nearly got thrown in a dungeon for that. She really wants to win, but also I feel like she understands the optics of, you know, so good for her. Yellow gets a couple of penalties and is still losing. Still losing. Still losing very badly the guy whose idea this was and who wants to be the star of it is doing the absolute worst. I actually, I googled him, I put this in my notes,

I googled the sea of people like him and I got a lot of articles explaining why they don't. So that was my research on the subject to everyone agrees with me, this guy sucks. This guy sucks. Yes. Yes, this guy sucks. Let's get sucks. Yes. Yes, I know it goes just generally, man, he's he's he's the royal that the if all of it kicked off in a proper kind of medieval style. He's the one that would believe every single other one of those royals when they said,

don't worry, Edward will look after you. And every single one of them would have him in a tower and murder him within two minutes of taking power. Yeah, he's dead. He's one game of thrones. Yeah, he's dead. I put one game of thrones. Yeah, he's the Shakespearean one when it's like, oh yeah, ha, ha, ha. That's my simple brother. I feel like he's probably the one

that gets murdered at the start that kicks it off. He seems like the kind of bumbling guy that's like, why was he, why was he in Denmark? He shouldn't have been in fucking dent, now we've got to go to war. Goddamn it. Yeah, he's the cannon fodder that makes the war start. And Prince Andrew is the one who thinks he's going to win and absolutely

doesn't. Yeah, no, he does not. He very much does not. Next game is Herod's King of the Castle. And this one I understood, I don't think they, I think they were right to not have to explain this. Is everybody runs out in giant cumbersome they were right to not have to explain this. Yeah. Because everybody runs out in giant cumbersome King costumes and then they have to run to the end of a field and get through an aerospace. And that's it. So it's a foot race in a mascot costume. What they don't say with a choke point. Yeah, with a choke point. And what they don't say is that fighting is not only allowed, but encouraged. Right. Yeah, they do each other a lot. This gets brutal.

This gets genuine. This devolves into a series of what look like fist fights. Yeah. So they go. Right. They go and there's it's an elimination round over and over until there's only one winner. So all all the teams out have two two kings out there. They go in the two greens two greens when both blues come last fighting each other.

Right, they go into each other so much that they eliminate each other basically. Yeah, doing a three stooges bit that goes terribly wrong. They run it again, the greens come through first again. I think it's red and yellow and October, and this is your first, like, this is a fist fight. Yeah. They follow their costumes.

They battle. They come out of their costumes and then keep fighting. Yeah, they just bats. They go again. And her majesty and Princess Royal is fucking peeing her down. Like this is the funniest thing she's ever seen. It's pretty goddamn funny because yellow dress. She's's just she's just like there's actual blood now. I'm happy. Yeah, she's ecstatic for this and it's it's at her Expect she just likes blood because yellow grabs Red's jock strap and lifts him up and just power wedges his face into

Like they're at the choke point. So he grabs the jock strap picks up the wedgie and then Rams is heading to a So he grabs the jocks trap picks up the wadji and then rams his head into a wall And they love she loves it so much I know she loses any throws his costume over the line like that counts and they're like yeah, that's That's good enough and I guess it kind of does count except for Green team thought something was off with that and runs to yellow even though it was it was red that got attacked and they run Too yellow because I guess he also attacked, and they run to yellow because I guess he also trips somebody, and they aggressively pull his pants off. They get eight people charge this man, run him into the corner, the camera's tried to cut

away from it. Left by superstar actor, John Travolta, they tear the pants off of him. They tear the pants off of him, straight off of him while he fights. He does not want this to happen. And repeatedly like check back like is it over? It's not over. It takes like a good two straight minutes of fighting this man's pants off So fucked up If you got did you got right down what Prince Andrew says in his official complaint about this because he is furious He's played his joke on this. He does not he's lost to his sister again I just wrote down that he is furious. He's played his joke around this. He doesn't. He's lost to his sister again.

I just wrote down that he's furious. He files a protest. He seems really serious about what is wrestling in giant mascot costumes. He does your classic bit of royal family accidental racism by coming over and when Stuart Hall asks him, asks him, well, what are you complaining about? He says, some yellow man came over and knocked my guy out.

I'm a furgy. It's a support it. what you complain about. He says, some yellow man came over and knocked my guy on. A Fergie was like, this is a supported like. Princess Karen, Duke of Let Me Speak to Your Manager. Yeah. So that's exactly what happens. This is where you really start to see the turn of like, this starts to become very much, not about the game and very much about Royals

wanting to get their way. So they they filed this. Confused. He is legit fury. Yes. When he's turned his turns him down. He's mad. Uh, farting.

You know, but just like, fuck you. For kids supporting it. They're so sure he turns and tries to what I would consider a dick movie tries to like overturn it by getting the crowd on its side by just being like, who wants to see this rerun? And of course, they'll just cheer, you know, cheer in that scenario. And he thinks that's enough. But it's not. But it's also, it's not a big enough cheer. It's like, it's the most half-hearted cheer you will ever hear.

And it's like, I love that it's again back to that Shakespearean thing of the guy who thinks he is the beloved would be the overthrower and the nation would rise up. And you just get this half-hearted cheer from the crowd who I reckon must be 90% military military families because it's just the height of the IRA bombings. There's no way they're letting the general public into this. Jesus. More context. Everyone's life is in danger. It's not. You know what's a very good idea during the IRA, bombings are deeply embarrassing.

Contest, full of American celebrities led by a child in the last year. We would like to do that, please. Anyway, I did clip the judging because I love the moment where he realizes, uh, perhaps for the first time that being royal is not enough. The judges say no rerun. Damn the queen. Who said knockout was all fun of games? It's for real, isn't it? Yeah. You see the problem here, is some people believe this is real. It is?

Yes, now look, there'll be no reruns or anything like that. It was a fair and square, they had enough time to get ready. That's so great. That is, they call them out there like, wait, you're forgetting that this is a game. Some people are starting to believe this is real. What are you doing? No. It is real.

Like not equipped in any way to deal with that kind of shutdown and disappointment. They just have to like go home and be like, he said no, but he said no. I love the lifelessness of the crowd too. It sounded like a wrestling game. You know what I mean? Like just the crowd to it sounded like like a wrestling game You know what I mean like like just the crowd noise in an old video game the gay Oh, yeah, all this missing is like a will help scream like half

There was some chatter and there that was a I did hear damn the Queen I did also write down that this is the first time I saw a non-white face in the crowd I did also write down that this is the first time I saw a non-white face in the crowd. Like even by British 1980s demographics, this crowd is very white. This was for the whites. It's like as if you needed to explain whatever this is. When they first ran out and there floppy fat suits and clown shoes and started twirling over a crank, you're like, no. As a Londoner, I know exactly what we were doing whilst this was on and mostly it was writing against Margaret Thatcher, a mean right out in the middle of fucking Staffordshire,

everyone else is doing this. This is how they're wasting their time. The whole time I was thinking how much Mr. Team has to hate this and it turns out wasn't even there. I will applaud whoever is vandalizing that page. It would have been so much funnier. It's the team was there. And it does kind of seem like it kind of seems like yeah. Yeah, you know, there is one unknown

celebrity because there is one celebrity from America who pulls out at the last minute. And as far I've never been able to work out who is I know there's one that pulled out. And what actually happens is they put in a manager of two of the Olympians as a ringer and claim he's a dog sled champion. Oh, yeah. I had him in my notes that there's one guy that's that's black text on Wikipedia. I mean, he hasn't ever known entry. He was a dog racing champion. He wasn't. He was manager of the two of the Olympians and they absolutely ring a dim in because one of It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte.

It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte.

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It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It's a charlotte. It, more sees the funniest. Yeah, I give it to you. All right, so many more fist fights happen. Those were the funniest ones in the biggest controversy, but the controversy about that. The big big takeaway is that Prince Edward is still losing very badly and has nothing charming to say about it. Yeah, and An's team went about the third event out of all of them. And An is still dominating. So now we cut back to the Esmeralde. This is my notes I wrote down. Soccer player, Emlen Hughes barely sticks his costume

through first. And then I wrote this, this is my notes. So he came first in this screaming dry double penetration. I don't know why I put it like that while I was watching this, but that's how I put it. And now, well, they're very, if you take them off and then lay them horizontal and jam them in a small hole it does become very penile and that actually is how the cost of

contest is designed and how every race once they realize they can fight every race is just a fight at the finish line and with their costumes off jamming just ramming a phallic symbol through a tight space over and over. So emlin Hughes and Princess Anna actually were actually really good mates at this point and they'd only met about two months before and it was because he was the captain of like one of the big British sports quizzes and they had like a picture round and there was a picture of a jockey covered in mud in that round and he identified it as like some generic jockey and then you could hear the entire audience just kind of freeze because it was princess Anne and when she heard about it she turned around and laughed so hard that she then

got them to book her on the show as one of the surprise guests on his team and they formed a massive friendship from that. That's nice. Yeah, that's maybe the only cute story. We have so far. Every other story ends with Barby. Every other story ends with with Barley. Every other story is about how much that family hate each other in various ways, but yeah, she knows she did that. She was massively good friends with them and used apparently. All right, so we got away from that event. It's the Asamirathon again. This is my favorite round. This is my favorite round. It's it's green team going across and the star. Nightshade. Yeah, nightshades here, Michael Palin's here, throw in

and throw in Hams as Jane Seymour. George Lazzinby, he starts off this round by complaining about cheating in the last round. About how they were robbed. So you can see he's got like, he's got some some shit to work out. And he is the only one of any competitor during this that takes the log upright while making hard eye contact with the people at the table throwing the hands. Like just marking every hand thrown at him, like you're going fucking get a hand. You're going to get a hand back.

You're going to throw that like just every time hard eye contact with them. And revenge. And still fucking takes it over and over and over again. He comes across that line. Hard eye contact, just face tanking ham after ham, after ham, unstoppable in his fury. It gets so out call them George Ham vengeance, lesbian. It's where this originated.

It gets so out of hand that somebody hits the MC with a ham like off camera and I've caught that moment. I didn't see the... Oh well, oh! I'm getting tagged right in the head with a hand off camera. He's a KBC productionist. He's a genuine series, BBC production. At the same time, we're reporting, I'm doing live interviews with Frickin, you know, over in Soviet Union with Gorgon're doing this on the other channel.

I had that night she had this unique form that I really liked when she was creeping along. She was like a chameleon like she had her hands turned in and she was scoot and she was like Christopher Reeve like in her long navigation. Great. Getting serious basically. I assume this was basically what she sent to Gladiators as her kind of video as to why she should be on it. Yeah. Do you see how many hands I avoided? The next one is a couple of Jack conference. I don't remember the name of this one. Britannia building society cooks. Okay. So it's our next game and they open it with two enormous cooking parts. And then

this is of course a reference to the savage native soup. Many of the Empire's early conquerors became an racist doctrine. And this is the most chaos since the opening event. It just kind of kicks off and people are running screaming out of like a gate across a field around the cauldrons. There are many giant foam rubber costumes. There are two onions, two leaks and two potatoes,

and just sprinting for their lives, and behind them, two uncostumed, it's ladies first, two uncostumed female chefs, sprinting out there, and one takes a fucking flying dive tackle, downs an onion, and just, like, that wrecks that onion, two deaths. I love that these are women in flowing, like, chef, princess costumes, and you're like, oh, they wrecks that on you. Two deaths. I love that these are women in flowing, like, chef princess costumes and you're like,

oh, they're uncostumed. Like, they're not an vegetable costume, but they're very costumed. Okay. Fair enough. They're unphometro- they're unprotective- costume is the important part.

They have no protective gear. And likewise, the people underneath the costumes don't, but you got to figure your big foam rubber onion is just as good as a crash helmet. Marvel Kidder got dragged to the ground by one of her league stocks and just left for dead. And no, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So, So It's a fun, you can absolutely. And they, they come out savage. Like they're just everybody here. They explain the rules eventually.

Like while it's going on, while the chaos is underway, after somebody has already been just knocked unconscious in an onion costume, you're like, oh, I guess we should explain why he was just mauled in an onion costume. Well, you see, when you're touched, you have to lie down. And then they get to take your costume, they have to run it back and put it in the pot.

Absolutely. No person lays down once they're touched. Every single one is a fight. Every single one runs out there and just flying tackles an onion, an onion fights back like crazy. It's just natural potato instinct. This is where John Travolta surprised,

catches up. If you've forgotten he's in this, he was not been in this before this moment. All of a sudden somebody just fucking dive tackles a potato. And then the he is well practiced at tearing the clothes off of people right here on this very stage, like he's been doing that all day. He's he's very good at it. He runs out, just rips it off and they go, John Travolta is on the field. John Travolta mega star everybody. And then he runs John Travolta is on the field. John Travolta, mega star everybody, and then he runs out the gate and is never seen again.

Oh, down my onion, I'm out. Meatloaf, that says to scene where meatloaf has to chase an onion. This is onion is so much faster than meatloaf. Hold on. Okay, you got the clip. I'm obviously, obviously. I know this guy is the best. Obviously, I've got the full video.

The least god's I meet loads released. It's me low. And I don't think me low will ever catch that onion, I'll tell you. This is gonna go all night. It's heading metal. It's heading metal against Olympic gold. Come on, Meatloaf. Go on, Meatie.

Go on, Meatie. Go on, Meatie. Go on, Meatie. Go on, Meatie. Oh. I kept the temptation there, of course, is to end end it after I don't think Meatloaf is ever going to catch that onion. That's such good commentary.

You have natural comedy wants to end it there, but I left it because some important things happen. Afterwards, you hear the crowd just start to laugh at Meatloaf's efforts. Just like he's lumbering around, it's comical. It's not going to happen. And what they've done is they put me up against Olympic athlete. And that's what he says, heavy metal versus Olympic gold is that he's trying to catch an Olympic athlete in an onion costume. And he's, well, he's not even vegetables. It's like 1948.

Well, the thing is as well, it's Steve Kram, who's a genuine ego to them, Pete Runner and a endurance runner. It's not even like they've gone, we're going to put a sprinter in this. It's like, we're going to make it so you can get some money wrong for four hours and not catch this guy. Right, like that's Meatloaf's problem, is that he's more of an endurance man. He's going to run him down, eventually. Yeah, no, if you put him up against anybody but another meatloaf, this was not going to end very well. But so meatloaf is lumbering around. His

team doesn't finish. He's still he'd let him out there to just chase an Olympic onion around to never result until time runs out. And what they say after they're telling the scores, I'm sure they meant to add the word technically when they said this. And what they say after they're telling the scores, I'm sure they meant to add the word technically when they said this. But what they say is blue team still hasn't finished. Meatloaf is still running. This is my second onion is still out there. Three minutes. You do this day. This of the clock on this event is running. And Meatloaf still has not caught that onion. There's actually a digital clock of meatloaf's grave that's still counting up. It's still the time that he's running.

It's just like random British actresses I've never heard of because I was 11 in American when this came out and they are chasing down Olympic athletes in their dresses and Each of them got their vegetable. Everybody got their vegetable. It was only meatloaf. They put them up against the worst opponent. And then after they're sitting there tallying scores five minutes later, they just say, and I can't help but picture meatloaf still just running around that field. Like, I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you a virtually.

Just like, nah, not today, Meatloaf, not this onion. But this is also the point where you see Princess Andrew laughing heartily at Meatloaf. Meatloaf turning around and pointing at him and Andrew shutting up and looking very worried. See everybody gets to laugh, but you asshole. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, he doesn't ever get it. Red princess and I believe still wins this. Edward still. Yeah, she wins it with the Joker that she only reluctantly played because she very clearly wanted to win it without even having to play her second Joker. Yeah, she plays it. She gets several points from Firm winner at this point. Firm loser is Prince Edward, who I want to say once he started losing, just started

retreating from the public eye because he is not in this show as much as every single other member of the royal family. Like everybody else is out there talking and he's only reluctantly like saying a word or just not cut to it all. This is his idea, it's supposed to be his vehicle for start. He's out shown and everything until he gets embarrassed and retreats. It's wonderful watching just something blow up

in somebody's face this hard. All right, the next event is the uninvited guests where they release. They, again, they don't explain first. So what happens is a man comes out in an embarrassing comic drunk costume. Big foam rubber drunk, rosy cheeks, stumbling all over the place, and then he proceeds to run across a floor that then begins shifting violently, sending him careening into tables, and it pans out to show that there are people

yanking these chairs connected to the floor to like make it harder for him and make him seem like he's drunk. Yeah, they're like bashing him with furniture that's also turning the floor into a conveyor belt. Yes, but it's an unfair mega man level is what it is. Yes. And he's just beat to shit. Stumbles down the stairs very slowly and carefully in a way that you're like, maybe he's very clearly

you could still be drunk if not hard. Barely manages to sit down at the end and then they explain the rules, which is that what you've just witnessed, which seems like an open assault, is actually a game. It's called the uninvited guess. We put a phone rubber costume on you. You try to cross this floor while the other team shakes the floor using the chairs and then you have to sit down on the bench and that's the only way that you win it. I did not like that when he was coming slowly down the stairs.

The announcer goes, come on boy. Now it's like, did you notice that the only person he did that for was Vivritch, the Black Cricket. Did it happen to make that? In fiction. Because when he said that, I'm like, God, I hope whoever's in that is not a person of color. Oh, oh, Viverichards. Yeah.

No, I was like, that's you. Oh God, please don't be Mr. T. Oh, it's Viverichards. Just be fair. Mr. T, when I take enough that drunk hat and charged. Oh, there would have been no pity for that fool if he said that to Mr. T. That's very good, Mr. T. Vernacular. Okay. No, that good Mr. T. vernacular. No, that's exactly what he would have said. There is there will be no pity for this particular fool. Yeah, the next one is yellow and they were a champion like compared to blue they just dashed through this. Yeah, no problem. First of the first like real shining victory for Prince Edward at this event where red has a lot of difficulty and steam has a lot of difficulty and they revealed that it's Tom Jones looking so unhappy and hurt

like he's bashed his legs into these tables over and over I think he got hung up for a little bit and just took bash after bash after bash yeah falls over he tries to get on the seat he's like hurt and exhausted he takes off the costume And I have to see goes it's Tom Jones. It's not unusual Tom Jones and then they cut away Doesn't have a punchline that got to tie it in just like here's the thing you do Nick named it song We're an hour in we're overrunning. We're not gonna bother with punch lines in here It's not unusual Tom Jones Jones, to see you bash with a table by the royal family.

Yes, a little bit, you know, a little bit. It is a little unusual, I would argue. I wrote down once again, once again, who pleases insuring this. Because Tom Jones took some serious hip injuries, and that's his money maker, baby. He needs them hips. That's all he's got.

Arguably. Yellow seems like they're in a lock. They did so good to win it, but green blows through it, taking the only win so far from Prince Edward, who has just has to be emotionally crushed. Did you take the clip of this where Prince Andrew, the fucking Duke of Nerd walks up and he's like,

oh, I should have put the Joker on that one, shouldn't I? You're like, yeah, you're no kidding, buddy. No, but he comes out, he interrupts the proceedings just to say that as though that's my love. The most obvious thing ever. Yeah. As though it's relevant commentary.

Like it was a clever thing to say. It was was not and then he disappears because clearly nobody liked it Yeah, it was it was I don't know a guy popping up to a group at a party like Hey, what are you guys talking about oh oh you all hate me okay? I'm talking about that little fluffy pandery keeps waving around as the team is mascot By the way is one of his own fluffy pandas He is a collector of of small fluffy toys and if they get

Rearranged by his staff when they clean them he gets very very angry with them. Oh It's so embarrassing that he does it and that anyone knows about it and that everyone apparently knows about it And then he's like, and you found out about my fluffy panda like foibles I would have the next cutie for sure. Your fluffy panda, your fluffy panda tantrums, you mean? The list, the look, the your fluffy panda fits as they call them. Which is it, which is another 13 minute song about Jim Steinman sung by me. Lovey pandafits, of course, a classic. We jump to the last round, I believe, of the Azda Marathon, which again is the Buttsgut

and Ham throwing event. This is where... This is where... They are. Sassants. You see, it's like a super move where George Lassenby has spent the last round gathering points and aiming at all of his targets, And then he's been charging up. And now they cross in front of him and he unleashes. He unleashes his ultimate, which is just

an absolute ham meteor shower. He gets who straight ham kills. And then Judy Simpson nightshade, she gets two after that. Just fast-balling hands at the blue team. And George Lasmi is not soft-balling hands. He's whipping him with fierce velocity. He absolutely headshots a woman right off of that log. First thing, fucking brutal, whipping those hands. He headshots somebody else, knocks them off. Headshots a third and she tanks it and makes it across.

Without even missing a beat, he headshots a fourth with a ham and then finishes somebody else off with like an apple, just like taxing the ham. The only thing is he runs out of ham. He runs out of ham. He is a ham assassin. Is the only thing that stops him. He clocks a five straight headshot kills with ham and then one with an apple.

He runs out and just tags somebody in the head. I'm not even sure if that apple was foam rubber. I don't know if we were supposed to throw that. I feel like Judy gets credit for two of those Ham kills. I think she also gets because they they cross and then loop over. So it's not just like four people in the team. It's it's however many people. So they just there's an unspecified time limit of which we never made a word. Of course not that would be. That would be. Anything. Blue finishes with with two.

And this is the first time yellow takes over. Like Blue is done badly enough. So now Prince Edward is not dead last for the first time. The games are almost over and he has spent the entire time losing and throwing a fit about it. But right. But he's now slightly in the league. Her Majesty, Hynast and Princess Royal is way ahead doing it the final of that.

Whipping ass. He's not going to come in first or even second. And Prince Andrew, yeah, is a lock for a second, especially with George Lassenby's absolute ham massacre. Just got a tragedy for the history books, what he did to those people, those hams. Our final game is The Joust. They do explain the rules for this first,

which is, I believe that this is the exact quote, you go down the arena, toad by two boys knocking down targets. And that's it, that's the contest. Close enough. Toad by two boys. They're leaving out how you have to stop, pick somebody up, change direction and come back.

Yeah, that's the twist. Is that halfway through you have to stop and then they think that's going to be their big pivotal moment. I, you really think that's supposed to be the way they play it, which this is where the world family actually gets involved. They start jumping on the horses. Right. So this is supposed to be the big moment of the show. Oh, and now the damsel has to jump on the back of the horse,

but it's so muddy and so confused and then they don't come in at the same times. So they don't get the announcement right and the whole thing is just like a fucking riot and you're like, is that the royal family involved? Is somebody getting dragged by a horse? What the fuck is happening here? It also seems asynchronous. Like the targets that they have to bash with their jostling

lances are at different points in the course for different teams. If I'm not mistaken. Yeah, it's not even, it's not managed correctly. You're wondering if they're staggered because of points, like maybe it's by their placement. No, but I think also the royal involvement on this one was optional. And I think that's why Anne's team again absolutely dominate because clearly the other rules are like, oh, this is going to be fun if we get involved. And Anne's like, fuck off, I'm putting someone on that horse and they're getting down the end and that's it. Yeah.

Yeah, she's all business and it pays off. She wins. She wins quite, quite easily, while making it look very aloof. Well, and Prince Edward manages to barely pull off second to last while making it look like the hardest thing anybody has ever done in history. And humilian stuff at least five times. really in himself at least five times. He deservedly just creating his own most embarrassing moment. He just came in, he kicked down a door and was like, I haven't been embarrassed enough. Well everybody pay attention to me now while I do that. And they did. They did.

Uh, ending ceremonies, they give the Princess Royal a bowl which he is not a press spot. This was all for a bull. She looks like a cherry chip inside the bull. And I think when she saw that, she's like, okay, I should pretend I like the bull. She is so unhappy with that bull. Yeah, she wanted like a big flash, she price, something to really rub in.

And it's like a serving bull. It's not even like an ornamental bull. It's got some pictures on it. She just legitimately wanted Prince Andrew's head. Yeah, that's all he wanted in life. Or failing that something like just real phallic and twice the size of him to show up at his coronation ceremony with. The event ends and the very first credit aside from the production team's. Our first credit is event producer, his royal highness, the Prince Edward, wants all the credit for this, that he just absolutely

tanked right into the dirt at every stage. Really thought that credit was going to be a linchpin for him. He even blew it harder because he basically walked off from this, went to the press 10, and then was like, so what did you all think? And hadn't realized it because of the security arrangements, not a single member of the press had been allowed in to view it. So they'd all had to watch it on a really small TV in a wet tent, and they were therefore not a very receptive audience to Prince Edward at this point.

And he absolutely threw a tantrum when they didn't-chair and say it was wonderful and stormed out. And he said, thanks for sounding so bloody and thosistic and then push out of the tent. This is exact words. That's definitely how you handle the press after an event, right? And I think now would be a great time to stress the lasting consequences that had for the royal family. I couldn't tell if it was thematically important or not to some essays, but you are of the opinion,

yes, this did have lasting like physical consequences. They started being taxed for the first time because of this directly. Yeah, so essentially what happens beyond this is this definitely takes the tarnish off, because the press reaction is genuine. People actually really enjoy it, but press just go into it, and on a political level, it becomes one of the things that leads up to them essentially having to go, yeah, we maybe do have a bit more money than sense

and we're not this kind of all shining entirely separate group of people anymore. So the Queen has to agree to pay tax, which ends up costing her. I mean, essentially this event has contributed to the costing the royal family accumulatively about half a billion pounds in the long run in taxes, which is quite impressive. Also the official journalist for the event was meant to be a guy called Andrew Morton, who was for the day telegraph, and he was forcibly kept out again for security reasons. He nursed that grudge so much that eventually he was the guy who wrote the book that was kind of the killer book on how the royal family had treated Princess Diana and therefore really tarnished all of that stuff as well.

Yeah. You would not have written that book if he hadn't been kept out of this event. If this is for excluding me from that one game where they dress like kings and ram the phallic thing into the small space. I really wanted to be there. Fuck you. I heard Mr. T was going to be there. Yeah. He's the person who's been editing that we could pay every day, ever since. I love so many grudges. I've ruined the whole family's reputation cost of half a billion dollars for this absolutely ridiculous, incredibly stupid thing. What I love about this is that, this seems like the only real thing

the royal family has been training for for like a hundred generations. Like if they should be good at anything, it should be the getting people together for a pointless tournament of night like things, you know? And they just blew it so hard. But Anne comes out of this with a legit boost in her reputation. She's out of his way. She just stays aloof and just looks like she's trying to win it.

She doesn't go like really stupid on it. She goes, no, I am going to take this seriously. Yeah. And everybody loves it when you take your foam rubber, drunken mascot race very seriously. If you lean into it, if you're going to do it, you have to lean into it. I mean, if Meatloaf had caught that onion, I have to believe he'd be at least a duke by now. But you have to assume you're going to drop the Meatloaf bombshell on this as well. Well, now I've found that story from Meatloaf, who was not a journalistically sound source. So I was a little reluctant to share the story that I can confirm that I have had it

from two other sources that it did happen. All right, well, you tell your version, if you miss something funny, I'll tell the version I heard from Meatloaf. So as I mentioned earlier, there was a ball the night before and all the people kind of involved were there largely because in some way they had been requested and that was obviously the Duchess of York in Meatloaf's case. Meatloaf and Duchess of York

got on very well at that event beforehand. Nothing entirely untowards, but there was an element of handsiness on both sides. This has been described to me, which Prince Andrew did not approve of. Now it's worth remembering that at this point in court deposition since, you know, for recent events, the Duchess of York has said that they were in an open relationship at this point. The Andrew really did not like the attention that the Duchess of York was paying to to meet loaf and yes, during the morning rehearsals where the celebrities were involved he did at one point attempt to push meatloaf jokingly and inverted commas into that large pool that they were all scooting over on that pole and to which the the versions I've had from various

people goes that meatloaf immediately turned around being a much larger man picked him up and return around said don't touch me i'm royal you bastard and at which point said meetlove said yet if you try and push me in the mo i don't give a shit who you are i'm you're going in the moat and his security guards had to pull him off of him that's a word for worth the story that's great to hear confirmed that means meetlove was telling the truth uh... and lens and credence to what he said afterwards which is that he believes this is why the Queen of England bore a grudge against him until a day he died.

Yeah, I kind of reckoned that's the bit where he overhipes it. I think Meatloaf would like to have thought that the Queen bore a grudge against him, but the reality was that just Prince Andrew was terrified of him for the remainder of his life, and I think that should be enough for anyone really. Oh god, and you know I'm gonna end the podcast. There's only one way to do it. It's been a lot of fun, but... The least god's I meet loaves released! It's me loaves! And I don't think me loaves will ever catch that audience, I'll tell you. It's meatloaf And I don't think meatloaf will ever catch that audience I'll tell you Die Praxis, die Praxis, die Unerschickende Hundezone, die Ohren und Stunde,

Kupchon, du Kitschen du mal. Ich bin nicht Hunde. Ich bin nicht Hunde, Frankberg. Ich bin nicht Hunde, Frankberg. Ich bin nicht Hunde, Frankberg. Ich bin nicht Hunde, Frankberg. I'm not a hoondah! I'm not a hoondah! I'm not a hoondah! Yeah! Yeah!

Noit House! There's nothing so tragic as when the young die before the old. Here at Hot Dog Space Camp, we know that all too well. A moment of silence please, for the late hot dog space class, 2023. Three finger-lewing, Aaron Crosston. Adrian H. just wanted to see the stars, Buc. We told her that's not how it works, but she was a dreamer. Aiden Muwet, Alpha Scientist Java, Unandy. Armando Nava worked hard, hardy harder, and they say,

died the hardest. Badger, Benjamin Sironon, Bim Tulsa, Brandon Garlo. Brian Sailor was the first to suggest they steal a real rocket, but we're trying not to place blank here. Free and Whitney, Rockway loves the meat-hilly. Still does. Barry Tumac, Cerelle was the one who actually stole the rocket and it's his fault. Chad, Chance McDermott, Pritz Browell, curious glare just wanted to smell space? Devon the Rogue Supreme, Dean Castello, Donald Finney will never forget your tragic last words. Go surround the web!

Eric Spalding, Fancy Shock, Jellahoe deserved better than to be torn apart by space apes, but he did bring those apes up there. Greg Cunningham, Hambo, Haraka, Harvey Penguini's parents are suing the school we understand their hurt, but exploded by asteroid is a pretty classic act of God. Hot fart, Jaberal Aiden died how he lived on the moon. Jeff Horskey, we've lost every one of our precious John's. John Dean's family asked us to say, may he rest in the peace he hated in life. John Hector McFarlane's family asked us to say, may he rest in war.

John McCammon's family asked us to say, made the bastard find no rest. John Minkos family chased us off their property with a thresher. Johnny Nofun was, ironically, too much fun. It turns out space is not the ultimate bond cooler. Joseph Surles will never forget your tragic last words, which were just your own name yelled from a saddle tied to a booster rocket. Now it may not hurt as badly as losing the Johns, but we lost all of our Josh's too. Josh Fabian, we hope you finally found Alph. Joshua, Alph Graves, if only the two of you had met in life.

Josh S, we hardly knew you. Nobody could even find a picture. Leading theories say you were an urban legend. Ken Paising. K&M. M. Jahi Shepel. Mac Miss Robles. Matt Riley, when you enrolled, you told us you wanted to die and make it on a comet.

We laughed. At the time. Max Baroy. Michael Lair. Michael Wells. Now, the school is suing Mickey Lomans family for defamation. We are not a school full of buttholes who teach kids that rockets point down. Mike Stiles.

Mojoo. N.D. Neil Bailey. Mike Styles. Mojoo. N.D. Neil Bailey. Neal Schaefer will miss your laughter most of all. It went like this. War war war war war war war. Like a horny walrus choking on a smaller walrus is wild.

It's crazy stuff. Neko 104. Nick Relston. Aussie Olin. Patrick Herbst, you asked in every class what would happen if you stuck it in the lunar rover. What was the answer, Patrick? Rachel. Rainpogus. Rihanna.

Sarkovsky. Sean Chase is the one who started the deadly rumor that Huffing Space got you high. Spotty reception. Superknot had a theory that, in zero gravity, a fart could propel you forever. Still going as far as we know? Ted H. Thomas Kabatsov's. Timmy Lehi over-dost on freeze-dried ice cream.

You can only eat four of those in a lifetime, you know? Toasty God. Tom Sikula. Tommy G. Wayland Russell. Yes, Seryon. Janis Ionitis. You were our best.

Our brightest. The live feed showed you burned that way too. Dr. Rockward, all of your instructors said it was impossible to do a kickflip in space. They said you'd never land it without gravity. I guess? I guess? I guess the jokes on them because you're kickflipin' forever now! You're kick-flipin' forever now!