The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 131, Rollergames with Fryda Wolff

Episode Date: July 12, 2023

Did you love American Gladiators? You're going to tolerate Rollergames! Seanbaby dares Brockway and guest, Fryda Wolff, to survive 1989's horniest roller derby wrestling race, but what's this? We're just getting word there's an alligator pit! This could be DEVASTATING.

1,900 hot dog! 1,900 hot dog! A podcast slammed with maximum height! Say hot dog podcast worked! Yeah! When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour! Come on!

You know the number! 1,900 hot dog! 1,900 hot dog! Come on, you got the number. 1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. Yeah, 9000.

Welcome to the Dobsone 9000, the official zone of 1900Hotdog.com, we are the only company website, a true greatest of all timecast. Of the last people who will ever write funny articles, we are supported entirely by listeners like you go to patreon.com slash 1900Hotdog, or 1900Hotdog. Dial us for fun. I'm enduring website favorite, Sean Baby, and I'm joined by Beef Magazine's alternate for the summer of beef's Top 10 Beer Boys. A great Robert Brockway.

I'm praying for the death of number four. I know he's gonna die soon, so I can bump up that notch. I've been trying to kill him. Thank you. That's a true friend right there. I'm Robert Brockway, he's a Brockway fact. I'm on roller skates right now. No follow questions unless it's,

can you do a little twirl? Well, that'd be my great pleasure to ask. Can you do a little twirl? Ready? Woo! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Top not show already. You may recognize today's guest from Star Wars Jedi Survivor Red Fall or Cyberpunk 2077. She's a troll and a GI Joe. It's Superstar Voice Actress and second runner-up in the 2007 Blizzcon Dance Contest.

Freedle Wolf! Why? Why? I'm not making fun of you. You know that was hard as shit. You knew the whole time. God. Well, first of all, thank you for doing the thing everyone does, which is when they like, I have a Google alert for myself because nobody tells actors anything

that they don't tell you when you've been announced, they don't tell you when you've been cut, you're just grasping at straws in the dark. And whenever I get hits for like announcements of like, like a thing that just came out like Netflix school island my powerhouse Animation it's all a King Kong theme thing and they just they'll they'll just glaze the top of your latest I have to be known for it nobody nobody knows nobody cares that I've security number two or whatever It's just like you know and stuff that I'm sure somebody watched at some point not me

So good work there I just sort of picked ones I played like I did play Redfall somebody watched at some point, not me. So good work there. I just sort of picked ones I'd played. Like I did play Redfall. I know everybody hated Redfall, but I got pretty far into it. You love that game. You tried to get me to play that. I really, I was trying to stop people on it for about three days. And then I hit like this patch, where I couldn't find an enemy for probably 25 minutes. And I was like, okay, I guess I guess I see their point. But yeah, you were the little creepy girl in that, if I recall. Oh, yeah, no, yeah, daddy don't hurt me,

don't hurt me no more, that was me. You sang that song too? I love that song. Should've could've would've. Was she the enemy you couldn't find, because this is awkward. Yes, she was. I was like, free to wear you as texting you.

I'm like, I'm looking for you. What are you talking about? I'm like, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to. I was like, free to where you at, I was texting you. I'm like, I'm looking for you. Like, what are you fucking talking about? I'm like, I gotta, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you.

Oh, the freaking, the BlizzCon dance contest. First of all, I want a keyboard from that, so worth it. Oh shit. Congratulations. And for the, why did I look? I think it was on the official blizzard.blue, you know, battle.net, whatever. Forums for that, and they post, because it was on the official blizzard dot blue you know battle dot now whatever forums for that they post because they posted all the photos of people

i want to interrupt real quick everyone was a lot of skating no one would know it was real if you hadn't set all this i mean i know it was real is everyone knows this this you know one hundred hotdog is about hard facts hard facts so you know you know you wouldn't be saying it was real yeah that they were hyper this one goes like, was wrong with her armpits. They look weird.

You were getting armpits shamed on the internet? Yeah, I was getting bad. And it stuck with me for out, because you know, you never remember the nice things people say about you online, only like the weird shitting comments. And then just like those will be your, you know, your death rattle of like,

you said I had weird armpits. I think you got great armpits. I mean, I feel like I can say that as you're a long time friend. Like nine of her armpits. That's true. I've been there. I've been all up in them.

He's been all up in my pants. Many rock bottoms you've taken. But I got a keyboard out of that dance contest so that was worth it. Yeah. All the comments I saw were like nice, but not in, so that was worth it, whatever. I did- All the comments I saw were nice, but not in a way that's like cute or fun, like just real thirsty creeps.

Oh, because I had, you know, I was wearing like a peasant top in the titties or out and whatever, anyway, glad that a grade school dance class is paid off somewhere for a keyboard. I was really surprised, because I don't think we ever went dancing together and I was like, she's got some moves

I Used to go so my early twenties I went to Goth Club a lot and I would get Man, I just get feedback everywhere. I would get comments from like friends and be like yeah, you don't like Dance like you're a club you dance like you're dancing. I'm like because I was a fucking dance kid I'm sorry everything is like a dance off you can't turn it off You're just broken forever You're always standing in a turn out and you always have to do a combo. It's like automated.

So you're gonna get in like your full on like, pump on at the goth club while everyone's trying to like move around. Try to fit in. Most of it, most of it is directing airline traffic. If you can do that for a song, you can fit in pretty well. And then like maybe some spurs and some stumps,

but I guess I was overdoing it or doing it too well. Sorry for looking so good, God. Yeah, my sweet spot was MC Hammer. When MC Hammer was like the dance people did, I'm like, this is it for two years, my dance will be cool. Thrusting, all the time. Any direction.

That's the same direction without... Nobody take it, it's mine. Smash, yeah. Well, we are for a list of men of whimsy, obviously. So one of the things we like to do here is have people on who are absolutely not experts on a subject, but that's not the case today because all three of us, of course, have killed an alligator. But free duh, you've been an actual roller derby girl. You've battled on wheels. So you will have some expertise today.

A broke my leg. As Derby and I never went back and I feel as I've been telling you guys, randomly on a whim, there's an American Gladiators behind the scenes documentary on Netflix and randomly on a whim. You guys told me about this, we're going to do roller games, most go roller Derby without a view because we know you did Derby and I thought that's great. And I'm like, but I'm going to procrastinate because that's one thing I do really well. So I thought I'll just watch this six-part documentary first or whatever, which happens, it happens to be directed by Jared Hess, who's no for Napoleon Dynamite and not your Libre, which makes a lot of sense. And I'm really glad I watched it before watching Roller games because we as the viewer, you get the end result, which is

the Vegas show spectacle, the show, the production, you get the cost, you get the end result, which is the Vegas show spectacle, the show, the production, you get the cost, you get the sensory overload, and you don't think about what's going on behind, and maybe because I've been like, you know, and not a, I think I'm not a annoying theater kid, but I'm a annoying dancer kid, an out of voice actor, you gotta think about what's going on behind, and the American Gladiators documentary does a really good job of just making you

Take in what happened in production and development. Oh my god Just now it's like this very visceral experience because especially in a country that does not have universal healthcare So I have insurance where the show American Gladiators did nothing. And I mean, nothing to provide for people for injury, multiple surgeries. People's bodies were destroyed in the survival hoods forever. For multiple tears and vice-up separations and all this crap.

Holy crap, roller games was so much worse just from the basic of life. Only the score people have helmets that kept falling off just that's for the crap. Yes, definitely, purely decorative helmets. They're too emphasized the explosion of a head on the ground. Like that's what that helmet was there for is to be like, I don't know if the people in the far stands can see their head cracking into the ground. Let's have that helmet shoot off like a cannonball every time.

It's freaking real. Maybe because I'm 41, so I'm that much closer to death now, that I'm more concerned about the ramifications of short-term joy with long-term effects. But I broke my fibula, which is your two main bones near lower leg, the tibia, the shimbone, the fibula is the little bone that's on the outside of your ankle, right above that knob on your ankle. I snapped that in a practice, not even in a game,

because we were practicing on a shitty sport court, which is when you have, they're like giant puzzle pieces that like slapped down together and that's what you skate on. And multiple pieces of those were like sticking up. And my wheels just clipped it and snapped it. I had a plate and nine screws installed that I had to wear for a year. And the option was like you got to have it in for a year minimum while you heal. You can keep it for life. But because it's metal and metal contracts and expands with the weather and temperature changes, I could feel it yanking against the bone. So I couldn't wait to get it out a year later. And get back on those wheels. You know what? This is how stupid I am with and this was like early 30s,

so like 12 years ago or so, I didn't know how to roller skate, but I one of those idiots was like, I'll just show up and learn. That was my plan. And I did, I like doing things, look, I mean, look, I just signed up for a standup class because I haven't been scared or challenged in a while,

and that makes me uncomfortable. If I haven't been like pan-shittingly terrified in a while, something's wrong. I grew up with a lot of tension, so I've got to have a little danger. But low stakes danger, though. Whatever emotional injury I'll get attempting to open my stand-up is probably easier than snapping my leg and learning how to walk again over six months. So yeah, I'm oddly qualified to talk about roller games and I just appreciated that, like, for example, when I did it, we all had to wear helmets that didn't fall off.

And like, you know, all the elbow knee pads and wrist guards and all that stuff, because even despite all those precautions, people still got fucked up badly permanently. There are women in roller derby who have permanent claw hands from the level of shattering wrist bones. So yeah, my butthole was clenched the whole time this afternoon watching roller games Holy crap. Just so much production and for what? For what?

I hope all those people went on to have productive lives where they could function and walk when maybe not too much arthritis from breakage and snap tendons or whatever, you know, went on to have productive lives where they could function and walk when maybe not too much arthritis from like breakage and snap tendons or whatever, but like, dear God, was it worth it? Was it worth it? I don't know. Spoiler? No, it wasn't, because that American Glideyitters documentary, the one thing I know is I only

watched the first episode so far. Also it's really good, everybody should watch it. But in the first episode they mentioned like, we went to the expo where you and I, you're gonna sell this show and then we realized, oh my God, roller games is doing this exact same thing, except they're also on roller skates. We're so fucked, we're so fucked and they- We see the thing that this was such a threatening show to them.

Like, everyone's gonna be watching roller games. Every but because they know what roller derby is, so that's your entry point. And plus it's the spectacle of being on skates. Like we're gonna get to, there's no way we stand a chance with the behemoth in the room. And then they cut to so many of these. Like, well, you know, they got canceled in their first year.

Yeah, nobody just gone. All of that for what? For nothing, it turns out. I did watch this when I was a kid. I guess I was about 13. And I remember thinking this was great because I think came at a time when my brother and I had been banned from wrestling

because we had watched wrestling and beat the shit out of each other. And so this was just almost wrestling. And so we're like, well, we're watching this. And my parents weren't, they weren't like involved parents. Their idea of parenting was like, we're taking a thing away from you and then like not watching us for a week.

And so like they didn't notice that this was exactly wrestling. We beat the shed out of each other after we watched this. But anyway, we watched it and we were really, even as children were like, this doesn't make any fucking sense because it's very fake and very obviously fake like wrestling. But the racing seemed to real sometimes.

And then when it was fake, you're like, I feel like this parts fake. Like they kind of goose the points. I mean, yeah, it's fake, but it's also like extremely real. Yeah, yeah, like in the wrestling way of like this is very dangerous, but it's also, it's like a fake sporting event, which had a, it just felt totally pointless. Like it just, it pushed the, the pointlessness to a rateness to a level where you're like, well, I don't care about any of this, then, I guess. It was too much. I mean, we'll get through it, but it was sensory overload.

I kept thinking, the main thing I wanted to say here was, it was doing too much and at the same time, not enough. It was doing way too much with like every, the teams and the gimmicks and the characters and like inventing storytelling that all the rest or stuff, but also like, there's a, there's a gay to a pit with like extreme animal abuse.

I was getting so upset. We were at the, we went to the natural history museum the other day and where there's a, there's a in Los Angeles, there's a California native LA native species they do a really great job of like making you aware of the animals that are here where we live and there's an exhibit where there's live rattlesnakes and my husband

had to tell this grown-ass middle-aged woman to stop tapping the glass and he wasn't doing it to be a hormone or there's a huge sign that says don't tap the glass and upset the snakes and she's like oh I'm sorry like she's doing it in private. I don't know, people are assholes. So they had- They don't mean it like, oh ladies, not to tap on the glass. Right. Every one of those roller skaters skated right on by

and tapped on that alligator tank, it was horrible. Yeah. Just bringing out these animals to like a screaming in arena and all these lights and they're thrashing, there's people taunting them and it was just the duct tape mouth, it was so. But animal was there. He was gonna take care of it.

He was in the hospital. I didn't have time to wiki, but he felt, I mean, the accent was pretty darn good for like Nordic, if he was putting one on, of the decent. I thought he was just, and I thought they just found that guy in the fjords. Yeah, that was just, just a dumb, just big dumb thing.

From American gladiators, a lot of these people were frankly like failed actors. Like actors who just weren't getting in for casting, but because they were, you know, former athletes, they could sell their body for whatever window of time that they could and to get on TV and take their shot. So I was wondering how much of that was going on

with Roller Games. Because I think it's completely appropriate that we're jumping in without even starting or explaining any part of roller games. Well, that's how roller games start. That's how roller games. It starts with just such an explosion of stuff. The actual explosions, but there's like chanting.

And then there's like American flag bikini girls. There's a clip of a woman jumping onto a man's face. You just can't wrap your head around anything. Sick, warp 90s graphics. I have a clip actually of the intro. And then that was the explosion. So I'm proud for the television premiere of RollerGage! Tonight, it's a bone-crushing match up for the coveted gold! Hand, Mr. Mean, beat the odds on the wall of death! We'll dart the star, outshines sweet Stephanie in a hair-filling punch-out!

Blush! Oh, no! Not the devastating alligator, dude! Fuck it's on! So good! They know this part is so good, and if you watch this pilot, you will hear this, this just list part for like, 45 straight minutes.

A good 20% of the show is just exactly what we listen to with different line listings. And different explosions. Like, it fucking rules and the guy animal we're talking about is dressed like Tarzan and he's there to just like wrangle the gators, but he's obviously not there to wrangle the gators. He just got like the hunkiest Tarzan dude to just stand. They show the guy.

Yeah. Wrangles the gators. They actually show the guy in the blue shirt, the chubby like middle age guy that comes out and like actually holds the gator for him. And then he gets out there and it's like, look, he flexes a little bit, gently touches the alligator. I'm really scared. It's so good.

Yeah, they've like duct tape and shed. Yeah, and the dance over at the end is very, I like to think it was like, this is showgirls. This is this is cringy campy showgirls. It's the best way ahead. This is also right from that, I'm not jump that right just from that intro. Immediately, you know, this is, this is a commercial from Robo cop. Like down to the punchline, like the punchline when it sets up, you know, this familiar over the top kind of cheese spectacle. And then

he's like, and the alligator pit, like that's the shit you would see on Robocop that pushes it that little bit into absurdism. It's got the timing and everything. Yeah, and I would say that this is, if it's alligators and they want the danger, but I think they went way too far into the sexy because like when they give him that little alligator to carry, it doesn't look like, oh, I'm carrying an animal

because I'm an anorangal. It looks like he was just like fucking a bunch of gators and he's like discarding the Orgis weakest participant. Like, I don't think this guy can carry anything without looking like that. This guy goes to the grocery store and they're like, hey, fucking honk, you can't fuck those eggs. I'm just buying the eggs.

They're like, God, I'll buy it. Do sexy. Really, really good approximation of whatever that accent was. Yeah, it's like a metalocalypse voice. Nordo German metal first. Yeah. So the teams come bursting out and we first meet the world famous world champion T-birds and always I meet like 10 of them just shoot past the camera and the announcer says they play by the rules. So like that's like the level of announcing. Like so right off the bat the show is like look you can jerk off to this but we are writing this for babies and all American. Yeah they're all American they play by the rules you get it but then

also they absolutely don't they're just total, they play by the rules, you get it. But then also they absolutely don't. They're just total fucking assholes like everybody else. But they're very next to me. They set up like exactly, I have this in my notes as soon as they like, the world champion T-Burts, the all American, they play by the rules and the very next team that busts out is the violators, they ain't got skull graphics

and black uniforms. Their coach is the skull. Just a guy in a Halloween biker costume with a little whip and how I brought down like, okay. I'm not a hot-hard costume. Let's be specific. It was extremely good as priest. It was definitely.

With a little upper. Had that huge as priest edge. But like immediately, like, okay, well, these are the guys in the finals. Right, they're the bad guys. They play where they're in the same place. They're the bad guys. They play with us. They're the bad guys. Here's the good guys. Are the first two people you meet?

Strangely enough, they actually say that in the show, because they're talking about the controversy of the Gator Pit. And the announcer actually says that the good guys don't want it, and the bad guys do. So there's no moral ambiguity on the show. And I think the violators, they're kind of like the Oakland Raiders. And when I say kind of like the Oakland Raiders, one of the announcer says, they're of like the Oakland Raiders. And when I say kind of like the Oakland Raiders, one of the announcer says, they're modeled after the Oakland Raiders. So I need you as the audience

to understand these are the Oakland Raiders. The next is the Rockers and they are all not just roller skaters, but rock stars. They're all in a band together, apparently a 14 piece rock. Apparently a 14 piece rock fucking doing arcade fire in 1989. I love it. They have an entertainment attorney mascot Which is I think a great choice. She's just like very stern like 80s business lady Power Sue lesbian. Yes, power Sue lesbian who's just needs to let her hair down and you know, let's learn how to party There's the bad attitudes and they're the bad boys. They have an old lady for a manager, who's just fucking, her thing is she's cranky. So congratulations on that. A cranky old lady in like a rose pant suit,

like grandma is going line dancing. Yeah, like I feel like when I saw her, it felt like I was coming in 40 years to late on a thing where it's like, oh, this character has been established over like the course of several human generations. Like, you know what I mean? Like her jacket or something. I'm like, this has been her signature jacket for decades.

I don't know. They do refer to her as like some sort of controversy in the 60s as though she's been doing this for like 30 years, which I have no idea if this was actually a thing. I'm assuming you're just making that all up. Yes. There was a roller derby league that ended in 1975. And so this was like rebuilding it for the 90s.

It had been gone for 14 or 15 years. And so it was a little Ralphie actually one of the skaters from back then. Little Ralphie is a legit like roller derby legend. I looked him up. That's fantastic. I haven't later in my notes. We'll get to him. We still need to meet hot flesh and they are they're named after symptom of metapause, but they're the sexy team. Right. I don't understand. I don't understand how we first of all hot flesh,

you have to make a metapause joke. You have to. It's right there. But there were just a bunch of like you know, 20, 20 year olds like, like, with nothing. They didn't even have a theme. They did. They're just hot. Yeah. Yeah. They were hot ones. That's all the homes in base. That's what hot flash means. That's a hot flash. Yep. You're a young hot kid when you have hot flashes. The managers, like a jubby dog low captain and he comes out and they're like, he's the ultimate party animal. I love it. Literally a Horatio Sands character. Like he actually actually he must have stolen that outfit and vibe from this show.

It's so insane already we're meeting people and taking in concepts at a rate indescribable by time. This is like uh, have you seen that Avengers movie where Dr. Strange like, searches potential futures for the one true timeline, that's what we're doing here. This is, I swear to God, this is maybe a minute and a half in, because the first, I wanna say like five minutes of this, took me about 45 minutes to get through, because I kept answering the pause and right down, like, okay.

Oh my God, so close to me. I did the same thing, and I was like, because I watched it just before this, I'm like, holy shit, I'm not gonna finish in time, but I did at one point, I was like, just stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop taking notes, stop, stop, stop, stop, just watch it. Yeah, you can stop during the matches,

but like their exposition, they laid out 800 characters, why you should care about them and their themes, their histories, the past several decades of grudges they have you. Fuck it, what? Get to the next one. That's the perfect example.

I honestly don't think of ever seen anything presented better and sexier. And I've seen free-to-wolf do the female blood-elf dance. At the 2007 dance contest. With American gladiators, what they got right, and I think maybe learned because roller games was on at the time, is that they dumped it down. First of all, they had one woman executive producer,

she knocked back, they wanted cheerleaders as well. So we got up cheerleaders, she's like, why? Why? We have women competitors. Are we gonna have male cheerleaders? So she thankfully, but the lack of bedazzling in American Gladiators, I think gave it validity because they were like, no, this has to be as close

to like real athleticism, real like Greek spirited games and like I think that's what made help make the distinction. I mean, they still have the same commonality of like you know, real-ending bodies and lives and not really helping people out and whatever, but they dumbed down, they didn't have storylines, they dumbed down gladiator characters to like either like your swav your sexy You're the heel or whatever but kept him very very simple and then they made sure that the

Contenders could be every man enough so that the audience could project themselves and be like I could do that And that gave you some sort of investment for be a versus being like I could never do that So that that it's just the formula of things that they the first season you'd seen the documentary was like a disaster and like the games were like nobody knew what they were doing. They were making rickety-ass bridges and shit. I could not believe this. Oh, so scary. So just madness too. Like what if we just shove a guy and he sticks to a wall? What they didn't test it. Yeah, like what they didn't stick to the wall. I was trying to have live on it or they found out. It is truly shocking.

Nobody broke their neck and died or sustained permanent brain injury. Yeah. It was really alarming to watch. It's a miracle that the worse they walked away with his like you know separated ACLs and biceps and tendons and whatever. Right. So they could limp away with but like still have their heads intact. Good Lord.

But I think I yeah, the American gladiators paired down and simplified maybe dumbed down for the audience so that you could tune in any week. And there's no storyline or anything. It's just, you know the formula, you got new contestants. Let's go. It's wheel of fortune. It's jeopardy. It's reliable.

It's comforting. Roller games. You would be a guide. You need a website. The first five minutes, like here's, we've got lore, everybody. Get ready for the lore. All right, to get back to it, the next group is the maniacs. Can I just read the sentence he actually says?

Please. This group of mercenaries have a score to settle, and they look to astrology for their game plan. Yeah, this is like paramilitary mercenaries and their manager is a wizard. Dictated by the stars, of course, and their manager is Guru Drew who comes out looking like party city, Rasputin. You're like, what the fuck is going on? Like you start off like, oh yeah, the all American team, okay, the bad boys. All right, well, I've got this. And then they just get increasingly insane

until you're like, this is our mercenary crew. Right out of ideas. They didn't, like, talk about, it's not just poor writing. Like they couldn't, they couldn't execute the simplest, simplest ideas of the teams of like, if you want to do like a hippie, hippie, zodiac, whatever, like let them be like, hate Ashbury, hippies or whatever.

Yeah, there was nothing there. They just had this poor gentleman in like, like an Indian- Indian style turban swami situation like a Zoltar and then they were like the lady eggs which is something you would spend till illness, but they didn't even look what was the uniform. They just look so. They were kind of just paramilitary like commandos. Unmemorable.

Yeah. Forgettable. Throw away team. Never heard of him again. And this was like in the era of Rambo. They managed to put him in Rambo and they could have been like camouflage military guys. That could this could have just been the 18. They could have been the 18.

Hannibal George Papard, like up there just as the manager and then every single person is from the 18. It's just a 10 person 18. You need seven Murdochs, but like it could make, no, seven Mr. T's. That's the way. No, there could only be one That's true So okay, so that they invite 60 men and women out and then they all start to dance by the wall of death and

This just eat it's so fucking enormous this this set and then the man sings the entire theme song while he's like walking through the crowd. And I guess I guess I guess he tried to describe him. I wrote down he sort of looks like your wedding singer if you got married by Haksajim Duccan. He's kind of got one little patch of hair and it's all ponytail. When he sings his only face is terrified. I looked him up, he's the brother-in-law of Michael Bolton's cousin, his name is Ponytail Freeman-Volton, sex offended DDS. I made it all up, I made it all up. No, his real name is Doug Getchel.

He wrote more songs for this show, including the theme song for the Gators. He's my new favorite musician, because this show will get to it eventually, but it has like six expositional theme songs for everybody gets a song. It's wonderful. I just wrote down he's the guy you picture when somebody says guy in a ponytail. No, no, not the attractive one. Yeah, two-thirds of his massive shoulder pads and they're sewn into like a bright yellow tiger.

It's like a laser suit. This is the poor man's sex man from, you know, lost boys. But, you know, it looks so tired. Yeah, not enough hair to pull together in a thread of a ponytail. Like, what you realize is that through this whole intro, they've been doing doing the rock rock rock and roll their games like on loop and then they cut to him in the stands You're like wait a minute This has been a live band this whole time and he's just been like Wrestling his way through the stands doing the same loop. Yeah, these kids got to be 50 feet further away from me

Not it not negotiable. He looks like he's gonna die at any point. He's just like, this is so fucking hard. Looks so scared. They go down to trackside. They have a trackside reporter. Her name is Shelley Jamison. And she has sort of legally covered her Arrogant of Sones in Red Seren wrap. I guess it's her outfit. She's got like just sort of a horizontal line of shiny red. Just to make it legal for her to go outside. She looked like the trophy girl at the end of every piece arcade game. Just the old, the old, the old, the medieval mold and it just made me kind of sad about

because it made me think about the older I get the more happy I am for newer generations because they get this sort of like wealth of media of representation of like it's that thing where like men can be anything but women can only fit a certain mold, and that mold has like slowly, but surely been broken out a bit, and a bit in like chipped away where like you can be a different height, or size, or weight, or shape, or tit size, or ass size, or hair, or skin color, or whatever. And this poor woman was just like, she was clearly like poured into like the bleach skinny stick, big teased hair. You could have interchanged her with any arcade game trophy girl. Like, you know, the two broads at the side of the guy who's the other little bit, whatever. You just want to do bugger race. You came in third place in a dude bugger race. Here's a Shelley Jamison.

Yeah, and if you don't look like that, you just weren't a woman, period. Like, if you weren't like the Christina Applegate married with children, poor and mold, you just didn't qualify as female. It's really, all the things you're saying are very apt because like when I was looking at him, I'm like, this is the wrong haircut, this is the wrong outfit for this woman. It's clear like she's, she just had to do this. Yeah. There's just one way to look like a woman if you wanted to be on camera.

And to that point, again, with American gladiators, the first three women that they had on there were all identical. They were made to have the same big blonde hair and the same amount of steroids, but no, that they were identical. So like when the first black woman came on, she was like, I just felt so, she felt like she didn't have permission to be there because she just didn't fit the mold. Yeah. So progressive they had two black women gladiators at one point. But they they talk a lot about again because there were so few gladiators and no one was protecting them from production again from like injury and surgery helping them with nothing. They only had

each other. So they have they were trauma bonded. They were all very tight and they talked about since they had no one else to look out for them. And then like some of the some of the gladiators were like openly gay. There were a few lesbians. There was no judgment. They were all extremely fraternal. They still to this day. They're all like in their 60s. They have tick-tocks. They do group tick-tocks.

It's really adorable. I was telling you guys. Right around the same giant ball. Yeah, the same hamster. I was telling you guys like in email email, I was crying at the end. You were like, oh no, I don't want to watch it. If somebody died, I'm like, no, it's nothing. Not that anybody died.

It's just that they were like, they matured together as a group as a bunch of like 20 year olds doing Roads and Growth Hormone and then like working, being real adults and working through their personal issues. So like there's multiple guys breaking down about like, I worked out my daddy issues and I got through the other side of talks masculinity. And now I'm a real man and I'm a better father. And then one guy talks about like being there for a make a make a wish kid. And by the end of the like, oh my god, I did do a piece of wish to that.

American Gladiators. Those are again, just those are the things that they got right by just sort of like dumbing it down. Roller games is another that it is just and I'm from Las Vegas. So I love a good show, I love a good spectacle, I love a lot of lights, but this was just sort of like the party trash punch of shows. So much, I mean, no wonder it lasted for a minute.

Another thing that was great that American Gladiators did, and there was a few exceptions to this, but for the most part, when American Gladiators showed you, like, here's our new game, what we're doing, you could look at it and be like, okay, I get it. Yeah, it's trying to put the ball on that. Yeah, or you fall off that thing or you got to find that guy. Like they would they could just do like an overhead shot of it. And it most like two sentences here. They never explain how it works at all. You have to put it together from like 14 different.

Yeah. And they explain it on the slide. 20 different ways scattered throughout the entire show to the point that they're still explaining it at like the final minutes of the match. Yeah. Like, oh, he did this. Therefore, you're like, okay, what? Yeah.

The election also is always like a bit behind. So it'll be like, oh, this guy's doing that. And then the camera will get to him like after the announcer has told us what happened. And so it's really hard to follow the action. I mean, and how would it not be? There's 10 people shooting around a figure at track. And there's two distinct like actions happening. I get maybe even three, because you have to follow

both the jetters who score points. Should we try to explain the rules of roller games or is that a few? Yeah, let's give it a shot. Okay each team has Five players because they separate them in the women and one of them is a jitter and the jitter's job is the only one with the helmet Yes, they get helmets Modern parlance and I don't know why but in present-day roller-jury that's called the jammer and that took you well The I'm like wait, why are they called a jet Anyways, jammer is the score person, jettar. So then the jettar, the jammer, they shoot up the wall of death,

the 14 foot wall with two lines on it. If you go over the top line, you have to take three big strides. That's where six points. The smaller line is with two points. It seems like a really hard thing to do. You have to get up near the lip of this thing. And I assume on the other side is maybe mattresses or certain death, I don't know, but you're fucking out. if you go over the wall, which seems like an easy thing to do if you're going for maximum points

There's another player next to you So there's the danger of like smashing into your competitor you come down off of that you have to do a jump and everyone knows How fun it is to fucking do a jump on roller-states So everybody hates is everybody doing this jump looks like a 50 year old getting out of a movie van, moving van It's like all the oh shit that job. Oh, and how are points awarded to whatever this is because I never you get two points If you don't eat shit guaranteed and there's a line if you clear the line you get six points I'm going to sell. Okay, okay, and he I know I know like he had to go down on one knee, which I guess does not count as going down. So that's, and again, keep in mind, this is already hard to do, and it's fake.

The all of the competition's fake, so some of these guys might be choosing not to do stuff because they don't want to get points. And then after they do all that, they catch up to the pack of dudes and they have to fight their way through four roller skaters. They get a point for getting past each one. There are seemingly no rules. They mention you can't do the start part of your elbow, but you can just do full pro wrestling shit.

So they're like grabbing them and throwing over the railing, front flipping with them. At some point, and I have no idea what the criteria is, but somebody on one of the teams can tap their helmet and then it's all over. Right, I never determined what that meant, but sometimes somebody would tap their helmet and they'd go, oh, nope, that was it.

And everybody else came off, you're like, what the fuck? I can't be it. The guy did that. He, his opponent had fallen down to getting points. He went all the way around the track and then knee dropped him, got up and knee dropped him again, and he's like, okay, that's it. We're done.

I have no idea what determines that. Did I miss anything? It feels like that's the points. Maybe. I don't know. Okay, sure. And if there's a tie, in case of a tie, fucking alligator pit. Yeah, if there's a tie, you fight alligators. As I'm assuming, now Frida is that. As I'm assuming now Frida is that mom

I'm assuming that's part of roller derby. The animal abuse in any form is just really hard to watch And maybe it's just having the the fore the hindsight of maturity because like you know a kid at the circus You're like wow, they love doing it because they get fed in a warm bed. That's not how any of this works. Jesus so unnecessary alligator pit with these poor animals thrashing in a multi, you know, 100,000 person stadium lights screaming and people. I was kind of stunned that nobody got bit because they got really close. Well, the poor things are like, you know, scared and thrashing and stuff. I was wondering, I was thinking they must be to some point, degrees sedated. They must have been to some degrees sedated, just for safety, which it was also fucked up.

Yeah, I bet you're right. They cut back to the Dune Buggy Prize lady. And I wrote down, this was really strange, because they cut to her, and then she was just making weird rapid fire rock and roll references. So she was like, lead afford a scare to the gators, and Warren didn't think it was exactly heaven. And I just wrote, holy shit, what is she talking about? This is like a, this moto bot generated a list of the moistest 90s bands.

It's just fucking madness. Yeah, she name drops. I thought she'd talk about other players that I know every time they would like pull up names of like people on the ring at that moment, they didn't consistently have nicknames. So like half of them would be like, you know, skinny and mini and Rosario.

Then got a, what? It's like, when I was doing roller derby, like having having a handle was the point, you know, I was I was I was tits a hoi a thousand tits delicious because I had breast at the time. That's a great name. And then like after like an OC OC reader or something, this was a Norge County, they're like, which was dumb because all of them had spicy names. They're like, um, free day, you need to change it.

I'm like, final be splits of what I be boring, whatever. Part of the fun of like doing something this ridiculous is to have a cool name and it was bizarre to me that they didn't enforce that. It was very disorienting. Yeah, there was a Charles Saunders there and they would just be like, ooh, ice box and Mr. Meener going at it and in here's Charles Saunders. Yeah. To give them a loan. Yeah, because when they cut to the, you're right,

the graphics didn't have their nicknames on them. So that was confusing. They had numbers, but not pictures. And so while you're watching, you're like, I don't know what's going on here. So you thought maybe warrant was on the track? Like, warrant was, I was pretty sure it wasn't there. It was just raining because it came out of nowhere. It was a reference to nothing.

It was a reference to nothing except they eventually, I have solved this mystery if it's a big, if it's a big deal later. Yeah, I'm very curious. Oh, okay. They kept cutting away to the crowd and you were supposed to think, oh my God, that's Debbie Harry, oh my God, that's George Michael, oh my God, that's warrant. And in the credits, in the credits, it was Rob Smith's celebrity lookalikes. Yes, I think so. So they provided celebrity lookalikes to cut away in the crowd. And then specifically lied about them by name, which is not allowed to do.

I was going through my notes. I thought it was weird that they kept cutting to people in the crowd they thought looked cool. Because one guy's like, I think cutting that guy, because he kinda looks like Tom Cruise. And then I saw that in the credits. I'm like, oh my God, they were trying to make us think celebrities were watching.

But they were like, okay. They were like, I recognize that guy kinda looks like George Michael, but not for a second today. I recognize, like that guy kind of looks like George Michael, but not for a second. And I think, oh my God, is that George Michael? Yeah, but in 480, I that might have worked with the scan lines. Oh, that's true. 1990.

I'm not giving it that credit. But that's incredible that they also named them. Like you're not supposed to name them. You're supposed to be everybody knows who that is. And then you maybe you make a reference to their movie or their song or whatever. But they're like, that's Debbie Harry and she's afraid of this alligator.

What if she's really specifically not? She could sue you for libel. She could prove it by wrestling an alligator in court. She could kiss any alligator on the mouth and then you owe her a million dollars. So they show, there's a big cup that everyone's competing for. The first matchup is the T-birds versus the bad attitudes. And this is just for me, because I'm watching it for the first time, just a whirlwind of

nonsense. Now before we start that first match, 40 minutes into the podcast, well, as we said, this is the densest part. This is the densest part of everything. My notes get we said, this is the Densis part. This is the Densis part of everything. My notes get real thin after this, once they start skating. Two of the teams are like your favorite teams, or at least the ones you're most curious about,

hot flashes and the maniacs, the astrological mercenaries and the sexy menopause teams are eliminated off off screen. Yeah, this is the first episode. The first minute of the first episode, and then as soon as they finish introducing them, they're like, and they won't be coming back. So we're so deep into a story, and like we just learned this thing exists. It's just like watching, jumping at season seven of a TV show.

So they, we learn that each team kind of has enforcers, like they have monster man and the ice box and that's their sort of job to be really big at the back of the pack and knock you down when you try to pass them. The one thing I noticed here is they are launching these dudes over the railing in a way that seems really close to untrained like it feels like they might have done this a couple times but it doesn't it does not even look like we're watching an amateur pro wrestling show. It looks like these guys are just fucking crazy and have no regard for their personal safety. They're strangling. There's a lot of fake fighting. One of them tries to kill Ralph Y. Valaderas, the living legend, which I thought was.

The living legend. Because he looks very, he looks like he's spife tall. He's, I don't know, I don't know how old he was, but I look. So the little trophy, he's got to be mid 50s. Yeah, older than that. This is three years after he retired from Roller Derby. And he came back for this show.

He started doing this in 1953. So like, when the Vietnam War ended, the troops came home and we were like, holy shit, Ralphie Valaderos is still roller skating. That's how fucking old this guy is. He kind of had some moves too, but he was gonna die. It's clear, he's done this a couple times. So basically, like I mentioned earlier, the sport, this was a real sport that ended in 1975.

They added the music performances, the fake fighting, the allocators, of course the stars of the hit song rollergator, which we'll play later. And you know what? It's a fight right now. The allocators get an expositional theme song. He left the airplane, he don't ever wanna know. He'll do things and hurt you Things you never will want or know His big and his big He's an eating machine If you fall into his bed He's gone a month

Oh man Rollin' Katie gonna get you better run better high Rollin' Katie gonna get you better run better high Rollin' Katie gonna get you better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better run better, man, high. Rollin' gated, gonna get you better. Rollin' gated, gonna get you better. Rollin' gated, gonna get you better. Not gonna set your chance. Rollin' gated, gonna get you better. Rollin' gated, gonna get you better. Oh god, it's so beautiful.

Oh god, the munching. You know what that reminds me of is when my daughter watches YouTube and the little kids are doing like videos and they're talking about like killing people in video games. They'll have like softer words for that so that they can be on YouTube kids. And so they'll call it like, you know, I got ufts or I got munched. Like that's what this sounds like to me.

It sounds like someone wrote this awesome song about a gator just eating people alive and someone's like, could you soften that for the six year olds watching? Can we uh can we emphasize how horny this is? Yeah, because it's extremely horned like maybe not the song the song is just as sexy and funky and it's great And I will accept no criticism of it But as as that starts there's just like 10 women in basically no clothing right thing Lustily and then animal comes out and just he kind of dry humps female animal 10 women in basically no clothing, writhing lustily,

and then animal comes out and just kind of dry humps, female animal, has nothing to do with alligators for the longest time. They're just like barely clothes, primitive, outfitted people, dry-humping each other. You're like, why are we dry-humping each other about alligators? You're so confused.

And then like sex sexy beyond no reason. And then like eight guys come out carrying one alligator very unhappily and they show it for like a second and you're like, oh, okay. I guess I'm reminded that an alligator is here and then it's like now back to the thrusting. It's just, it's really close to a real sport. And it's very frustrating because I bet there's some of these people that are kind of used to playing this as a real sport and trying to win and then other people are fucking around doing suplexes like for the first time.

So it's so interesting how they've done it because like it is, it's clearly faked for a lot of things. Like I have one other point they talk about icebox is gonna do his deep freeze. You're like, oh my God, what's icebox is deep freeze. And then he lays down on top of a guy and kind of vibrates for a little bit. And then the guy pretends like that hurts a lot. Like it's the fake is dumbest thing.

You would laugh it off in wrestling when you were like nine. You'd be like, okay, let's, you know, let's try to take it seriously folks. The joke move, right. But until the choreography is all that, but while that choreography is happening, where they're doing like, oh, I'm pretending to rub my forearm on his face

and he hates it, there's a guy in the background just slipping on nothing and bashing his fucking skull to pieces. But like, yeah, people are getting seriously, it's not where you think they're getting seriously hurt. Like, we're play fighting in the front while somebody else just breaks their arm and have 20 feet in the back of them.

It's fucking crazy to watch. I've had a lot of like dangerous and stupid hobbies and I feel confident as a stupid expert that every two hours you do this, someone never walks right again. Every episode they film fucking cripple somebody forever. They have the worlds, they built the world's ratest ankle shattering machine. I think the entire audience is just big Tom Cruise's and ACL surgeons with a handful of business cards. This is just fucking death trap. I bet that the same person. I mean, it's fake Tom Cruise is doing a see my next job. He's got to have another hustle. Yeah, I'm a terrible Tom Cruise. But I'm an okay me surgeon. So,

so I have my notes here that the guy in the helmet gets flung over the rails and I guess it seems like impossible to do and I'm trying to describe like the way they're like bashing into each other. Everything feels really easy and a very impossible depending on the script. Like sometimes they just squeeze right past somebody. Other times, a guy just keep hitting with an elbow over and over and over and they can't get back up.

And it's just like, as a viewer, I don't know what the fuck is happening. I don't know what the stakes are. I don't know what the challenges are. And this is normally when a manager would come in and try to help the storytelling. But Ms. Georgia Haas, the lady we're talking earlier, the old lady, or maybe the very young lady,

she'll come in and just fucking scream at the camera to get out of her face. So her only job is to go to that camera and explain the story of the conflict or whatever. And she just fucking says, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing anything like this. Why are you even pointing that at me? I came here to watch the roller skating. Who are you?

They made some of the meanest fat jokes I've ever heard. It wasn't nice. Like, wasn't one of the players called Shamu? It wasn't. No, that was him. They called him Shamu. Oh, it was him as well. I was so confusing.

He was skating up. Like, they had this choreographed bit where one of their lead guys, one of their jetters, is getting strangled and he's supposed to skate up and help him, but there was somebody else there that just died not in a planned way, was just like riding on the ground. So because that's like half their choreography

is just like, oh, all these other people are hurting. It has nothing to do with this. So he tripped on that and just fell down and ate shit when he was clearly supposed to do a cool move. Yes. And the announcer laughs in the middle of describing it and just says like, nice job, Shamu. And then they stop and just make a bunch of fat jokes about it.

That guy straight up almost a million dollar babyed himself. He came down neck first on the lip of that track. Like, they're there for every, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they that one of the other people that is not involved in that particular story is just lying on the ground and they have to try to work around them and they don't, they just all fall over them. Just all smashing to them. There was a moment when the ladies came out and the choreography got a little more intense. As the match goes, they're no longer really racing.

Like it comes very scripted and it comes very deliberate. And so they come up and it's Gonzalez versus the brat. And this lady dances Gonzalez. She's like dances up the fucking wall, like she has nothing to live for. Like she came so close to going over the edge, then a brawl break breaks out and this girl named Skinny Mini

throws like a flying kitty cat slap at someone's head that to me like demonstrated an absolute lack of control. Like, she's basically just hitting people and hope it won't land on an eyeball in an eardrum. Like, like, she's not hitting people hard, but like, hard enough that like, you can't just throw it wild at someone's face and hope like things work out.

And I guess that's the point I was trying to make earlier is that none of these people have like, even the most basic of like stage fighting training to do anything. They're just kind of hitting each other not as hard as they can. And except for the several times per minute where they accidentally eat shit in the middle of a wind up to a punch and then just ram into the other person

for real. Did they ever follow up the skater that like straight up went over the bowl out the other end? No, he's gone. So they just disappeared into the void. It just disappeared, yeah, that was like, what the fuck is going on in the show?

He went straight, okay, you're supposed to, they do this like whip, right? Where you skate up behind somebody and they use their momentum and gonna give it to you and whip them ahead. I think they double or triple whipped him or something. Yeah immediately. He was like I have never skated this rest before my life Like his knees. I recognize that posture from me trying to learn how to ski at 13 was just like your knees are in You're like I don't know what's happening. He didn't even try to turn He just went straight up the wall and did it over like it was a ramp

He didn't even try to turn, he just went straight up the wall of death and went over like it was a ramp And then he just disappeared from sight and then was apparently never commented on again. Yeah, he's dead. He's gone Did you notice that they like shot really quickly to like we have an ambulance outside waiting and it was clearly a curse? I It was like it was a hard it was was addressed up in the Spusker's horse. With penalties wagon or something, you're like, no. You really, you actually do need an ambulance, though. Like. Nah, too much cost too much.

I have a clip of some of the announcers. Remember, McCorkle has a bad, actually broken white ankle. How will she handle the world of death? Nice clip there by the team of twins. She gets two points on the wall, as does the fleet. But then goes down, perhaps because of that white ankle. Coming across the jump and that opens it up for that woman to flee.

You think, buddy? You think it's because your fucking bones aren't thinking the other way? It's so good. During that Debbie with a bad ankle, like every time she's skating, they just announce everyone else who has ankle injuries, which is most of the cast.

Yeah, you can just assume. And her name is of course, the corker, Debbie McCorkle. Debbie McCorkle. Makes me laugh every time. I have another Debbie announcement. Jettin' in the black helmet will be the fleet. Paul Noilson in there goes the corker, Debbie McCorkle interesting story born legally blind now has covered sight in one eye still sees only shapes and colors in the other but

look at her go she's got one ankle legally blind only see big blurry triangles but look at her go. That's the best casting he do. But once you understand the rules, you start to see the flaws in the structure. It's a one minute roller skate race through a human mind field with very unsafe fake fights while they reset everything.

There's footage of a woman hating the camera, and then they reset. And so once you see the structure, you're like, this is not a show This is fucking crazy because there's also no stakes in anything because That the score is really updated. It's not on the screen ever So you have to just wait for the answers to remind you like oh, it's like 80 to 20 out of fucking no They cut after the race to the roller game sports central, which is

ostensibly a sports show that will keep us up on like what's going on in the league? It's it's like a guy in guy in a Walgreens Trump wig. It's very very aggressively strange hair choice. And he's just screaming about what we just watched. So he interviews the cranky old lady and she's just fucking pissed. He's like, I fucking hate you. And he's like, okay. And that's it.

That's the update. They cut back to the race. But that's not news. It's just just the same useless thing that we already saw. Anyway, the next matchup, they do the rockers versus the violators. And we haven't talked about the rockers outfits yet, but they're dressed exactly like you're picturing. They're just trapper keeper from head to toe. I wrote they look like a gem episode. They look like the missus from gem they do with little variation They look yeah, that's the perfect way to describe The violators we mentioned skull

And how they're based in the Oakland Raiders mr. Mean is on this team and he was the 1970 rookie of the year So he's been doing this for 20 years Uh, he's the guy who went over the wall. So he's probably dead. This was probably his last appearance. This is a retired, retirement plan for a roller gamer. But yeah, they keep trying to introduce these people

like, okay, gotta meet the rockers, but it's like they don't have their pictures on the screen on the nicknames. We're meeting 60 people. I guarantee that after the 13 episodes of this show, there's not a single person alive who could name all 60 racers. There's just too many people,

nobody gets enough air time. Oddly enough, I remember Charles Saunders for not having a nickname. I was gonna say. The ones without a nickname for sure have forgotten, but no, that was a bold choice and it's rewarded. I remember Sweet Stephanie because we're talking about, generally to throw them off the track,

they hit the railing and then that person sort of stops themselves with their arms and then does a front flip and hopefully only takes a four foot fall. Sometimes they take like a 12 foot fall. Sweet Stephanie fucks up the footwork and goes under the railing and she like slaps the back of her hole this skull on the cement. Like her helmet has already fallen off and she

just goes shooting horizontally off, slaps the back of her skull and it cuts to a bunch of school kids watching her like try to navigate a amateur pro wrestling match after that like she gets up she's like I okay. And then gets knocked on the back of her head again because she's in roller skates and can't stand. And I don't know, I just love it. I, it is a fan of dumb violence watching these people just fucking go for it with no idea what they're doing. It, it kind of makes me jealous.

It kind of makes me miss being young. Why would it, why would it make you miss being young when there are 60 year old men out there doing it? Go do that right now. I mean, just 1970s rookie of the year, Mr. Me. This dude used to have two ankles. It was legally blind. 2001's rookie of the year, Sean, maybe. Well, now I've got to do it. Now that's my goal in life. They have these little production packages too to explain the team. So the rockers are, it's really complicated. They're roller skaters, but they're also, of course, rock and roll musicians.

They explain this 70 different ways, every single one of them running. I took a clip, but when I played it back, I'm like, this is fucking intolerable. I'm not playing this for the listeners. So, well, I like to sell their celebrity. They show them getting out of a limo to like 14 extras that they've hired. And then of course, he plants his hands in the traditional guitar center bowl of sand. Yes, it was so feel.

Yeah, it's big bunch of fucking nothing. You're like, because like, we had a Ford cement, I guess. Right. So they have, it's raised up like a birthday cake. Like, like, he's gonna put his hands in the sidewalk, but instead of that, it's like, what if it was just like a big wet birthday cake

of oatmeal? Again, I think you're right that in, you know, 480p, this is, this is probably scans. They're like, yeah, that's close enough. Nobody, technology will never make fools of us. But in the race that they have a new tactic, one guy, the jitter just bashes everyone on the other team to make his way through. So that like, I feel like that's the meta. I feel like that's the OP meta for roller games is just to punch everyone in the back of the fucking neck. And this was the first time I noticed the crowd

because the cameraman cut to someone in the crowd and she looked like not Beverly Hillballey, so what was the other Hillbally show? Green Acres. Green Acres, it looked like the old lady from Green Acres and she was frowning at the camera in a way that was very theatrical. I'm like, what is going on? And then even the announcer says, who was that?

And then like the viewer, he gets no answer. So I feel like that was her that was supposed to be a celebrity lookalike for that actress. Who? But the announcer didn't get it. I got a nice kid for anybody. That's a good friend. So did we have to go with Rob Smith? I mean, he's notorious for his shot he lookalikes.

And then, God, they show a guy jumping on another guy's face dick first. The guy goes 15 miles an hour to zero in zero seconds with a human pelvis on his skull. They did this move a few times in a few places. It's just an, it wrote it down as the aggressive crotch placement. There were a few sustained homoerotic shots of like, you catch one of like two guys just sort of like gasping and sweating, dust, relieve each other and like held the moment a little too long. I was like, what's going on here? Yeah, it was so fun.

It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was fun. It was so much because the main thrust of what he's trying to get across is like, I don't understand why it's a call these man eaters. They're part of a show. So real athletes is Gaitas. It's the fucking best. Like, where's he going with this? What pages he on? He says exactly they're part of the sport just as much as the players.

Yeah, they're like, stop treating them like they're a hazard. They're like, they're athletes. Like someone like, e-sports are a real sport. They're like long traditional alligator pit. You know this, why are we making it a big deal? Uh, the next race, uh, I, there's a guy named Robeloss and he pulled off Mr. Means Belt and beat him with it. And I'd say if you pull off Mr. Means belt and what Buzon asked with it, that's your nickname

now. You are Mr. Pudi Tang Mean. That's fucking the announcers get like real specific about it. They say he is undressing Mr. Mean. He has taken his belt and he is giving him a very good spanking. Oh yeah, even they make it weird. Like they're like no I don't want you to mistake this for an ask for forgiveness. This is very sexual listeners. They go to commercial break and I just took a clip of the fucking madness here. admittedly, I do not stop. I'll stop. I'll stop.

I'll stop. I'm just listing towns, just like David and I have. So that's all. It's just him listing towns that they swear to God they're going to get to someday. But he calls what's next Donald Trump as president in 1989. I don't know enough about the era, enough about Donald Trump. I don't think he was political at all then.

No, I feel like he might have done an Oprah interview and I think they just always asked rich people like if they were gonna be president, then they asked him that. But he, which cursed us? I'm gonna call it right there. Fucking David Sam's is a witch and should be burned as such.

This is his fault, he did it. 100% agree, 100% agree. 100% agree. But it just captures that error. It's the American psycho wolf of Wall Street zeitgeist of like, you know, greed is good. Rubber Creek. The whole, that was the package. That was in the same way where post, you know, early millennial recession, wealth is Dick class A. And it's very poor taste and ghost to talk about wealth. There'd be a millionaire or a nepot maybe or whatever, because the stock market was so out of control, it was extremely

into aspire to that kind of a parody of a person, and that's also why dictators succeed on in a sociopolitical sense, because it's somebody who believes and eats their own shit and believes their own brand, that people are in a sociopolitical sense because it's somebody who believes and eats their own shit and believes their own brand that people are just drawn to that populous stink. There's your little polycyclass. It's very like very deliberate. You guys are talking about how the,

that interstitial nonsense news anchor guy is made to look like Donald Trump. It was not an accident. It completely deliberate, especially with the dumbass helmet hair. But it was just sort of like, he's such a clown. Wouldn't be funny. Hilarious of this guy actually. Well, that's what happens. We can't have a nice thing. But that's how it works. You just, you elevate, you, nobody wants to clean the shit in the room and everyone just sort of steps around and laughs and then suddenly it's president. I still think the announcer was a roller

which and should be burned. You both make very good points. Thank you. More importantly, the team birds had their own theme song. And there's a file over the figure 8 card portion. Let's take a closer look at this very special team. I could put you in that fucking rose. The soundtrack often kicks everybody gets the highest effort,

explanation via song, even the Alligators. And they know it. Speaking of high effort, they cut to a location sketch with a fucking one more two bomber. What are we gonna do? Jump out of the air! That's right, jump out of the air plane! One, we have no parachute for you. That's what I'm gonna do.

So they don't give a shit, he doesn't care that he's no parachute. They rotoscope him into the shot, falling without a parachute, and then he lands it. Like they drop him off of like the back of a truck. So it looks like he fell from the sky and just rolls with it. And this is so, so much more than they had to do. Like this was too big of an idea for a sketch and the producers were like, yeah, fuck it.

Let's go film it. We'll hire a special effects team. Let's jump your roller skating team out of a plane and they just, they didn't have to do that and they did. And now are you guys worried at all that us not having life-saving safety equipment for one of our performers is gonna be kind of on the nose? No, no, we'll just roll with, okay.

Yeah, we don't. We should mind on that airplane. Yeah, we spent so much on the rotoscoping team and this guy diving team to dress like our guys. The next they have the violator sketch and they have like this huge like CD arm wrestling bar. They're doing a stunt performance in the Smoky Warehouse and their chain song,

a big lot of meat. Which is what I, I had some bad boy, exactly what I did with all my friends. That's how I make every lunch. Scully to cigarette, it's just perfection and so high budget. The narration on that is, there's a line, I got it, how do I pick one line?

He's, he starts giving them the traditional 80s, tough guy speech, he's like the only thing they love more than motorcycles is inflicting pain. Well, you were supposed to say roller skating there, but okay, but he says there are some things the violators won't do. But nobody knows what they are. Okay. They they rock and they stop. They savage and they ravage. They'll do anything to win. And then they cut to him doing this really cute little stopping dance that they threw out. It's adorable. It's straight up adorable. And then he takes this fucking hard left turn because this is what I like the most about

this show is that they'll have these tropes that you can rely on. You could have just said, these are the evil biker teams. Yada, yada, yada, they're going to fight the American ones. Just like you could have said here is the Rambo mercenaries. You didn't have to be like, they're dictated by the stars and they follow, they follow an insane monk, especially since you were gonna cut them completely from the show. And so instead of relying just on like,

these are the bad bikers, he says, their keeper is skull, he's the cranial commander. He only answers to one god and you're like, okay, you know, he only answers to one god and that's victory, you know, he's what he's gonna say. And he says, he only answers to one god. And that's gamba, the all powerful. And then it shows him feeding money to gamba,

the like to worship gamba, you must feed him money. Like what the fuck, world building is going on here? And then when they cut out of that, he goes, and you know, they're excellent skaters. Yeah, they're fine. They're good competitors. So in my notes, I have it, is spot where we were talking earlier about how

the icebox tries to stop a beating and a million dollar babies himself, like all three or fifty seven lovable pounds falls on his own neck. And I feel like this is about the 20th pro wrestling spot in the episode and all 20 of them were catastrophic failures. This entire sport is a death sentence and it is narrated by these men. I have a clip. I'd like to see the icebox give Mr. Bain the deep freeze play. That would really give him a cold spell in his knee streak once and for all. There he is,

357 pounds, the icebox. At one time Chuck, he actually won a hamburger eating contest how many burgers do you eat at one time twenty seven the box in one city life will down twenty four big maps so I was all by me made the local newspapers for it flawless here's a clumsy pond I wrote earlier uh oh you hated it uh I'll make up a new one what's that the burgers? I don't fucking remember any of this shit. Like, one of them is doing some way better work than the other. Like, I said the thing about her dying her hair to steal power from her enemy. And you're bringing this fucking big Mac shit. Are you kidding? They showed the powerplay of the week, which was when Mr. Mean got tripled whipped over the wall. Again, maybe on purpose, maybe on a table accident. I feel like some of these clips are taken from alternate universes where they died, because

I don't know, it just doesn't. None of it quite makes sense. They do a bit here, I really liked, where skinny, mini leapfrogs over someone, and then she goes under someone else's legs, and this is so silly, but it's kind of fun, and I feel like if all the racing was this, if all the racing was dumb pro wrestling sketches, like I would forgive that it's fake,

because like they're doing stunts, but I think the shatters any reality they had, like anyone over four now knows that, oh, oh shit, even the racing is fixed. And I remember the sequence from when I was a kid, like that's the impression it gave to me is that I remember thinking, like, that's what the sport should be, like, look at that lady just leaping over people. And she's skinny, so they can't stop her. She's using her tiny size, they're advantage. But anyway, the point is,

they don't really care about these people. They're like, get them out there and try some random shit, maybe it'll work. I think around here is the point where they discover one move that they will use to the end of the show, which is that they trick two of their opponents into hitting each other. Yes.

And like they discovered that was so cool that they use it at least five more times every round. Like by the end, the entire like last match is nothing except for them like ducking and the other team ramming each other from impossible directions. Because you're all supposed to be going one direction. Yep. But they somehow, every time they move, there's somebody just fucking skate in full speed to close line their team mate.

Which again, I feel is, it's very fun. And if we all agree, this is fake. This is the wrestling on roller skates. They do it behind the scenes package. I thought it was really weird. Because it wasn't up behind the scenes package at all. It's mostly, it looks like just the exact sizzle real they used to sell the show. Yeah, they were selling it. It's exactly sold to the syndicators.

I think they even have little like text scrolls at the bottom. Yeah, they're just explaining how awesome and sexy it is. But like, we just watched an hour of it. We fucking know. But what it does is it helps you put it all together outside the pace and spectacle, the event itself, which is just in the same pace. And you see that this thing must just hammer its money. Like moving this set is probably a fleet of trucks.

And even if you paid the skaters, the cheerleaders, and the staff, slave wages, and you know they fucking did, you're still just, there's so much they have to pay for here. And it says white shots when all 60 men and women are dancing, and that's got a full crowd and all this equipment. I'm like, yeah, this, this probably lost a 20 grand every time they did this. I mean, you could see it in that intro. You could hear the spectacle through the sound clip we played.

But it's all that chaos, too. They just invested in everything, like unrelated explosions and crazy spotlights, more graphics and a cast of dozens and whole stadiums that need to be taken over by this thing. It's, it is just, it is the unmedicated budget free for all. Or two medicated. I mean, I used to be such a joke of like, oh yeah, cocaine in the 80s, but the older I get, the more I do see it in production for the time. Now it's love jump. Now it's like, oh, no, you see it in the 80s. There got some decent sponsorships on the show. I didn't know I didn't catch them up,

but I saw vans and LA gear and just sort of like, brands of the era. Luscious lady Bud pads now for him. Ron Smith celebrity local likes. They're four out of 10. I mean, they'll have to tell your friends who they're supposed to be, but they're fun at parties. They have an interview with skinny mini and sweet Stephanie. And in the middle of the interview, skinnyny Mini hit Sweet Stephanie in the fucking neck with

like this terribly mistime slap that just, it's just a neck slap. She just like hits her in the fucking neck. I'm like, these people do not have the training to pretend to fight in front of others. But they're all on roller skates, so every time they get it wrong, they eat shit and that's for real. That's the real part. It's that they shouldn't bash their head on the ground. And so, but okay, the sport is now very deliberate.

Like they're trying to manufacture a tie because they want the gator pit to get used in the pilot episode. Check out the skater. Yeah, check out skaters. So they're ready to bring the gators in and animal he's like wants to reassure us. Like, Zagaito says, we're not favor any team.

I'm not sure. Zagaito's. And're not favor any team on bias gaita's. It implies that he could have trained them to hate the violators or something, but he didn't. Why don't know why you brought it up? Oh, I brought it up? No, I didn't. The truth of charge of man's nature is alligator.

There did a really weird trick. I took a note of what Mr. Mean like ends up going backwards and he's kind of showing himself along with his hands and then he asks for someone to give him a whip and his teammate comes up grab. Do you have those in your notes? Yeah, he pretends he's stuck backwards and he can't get out of skating backwards. So his teammate comes up and just throws him over the railing. He puts him over the railing.

I have no idea what they're going for. It's strange for this sport, but it just be psychopathic if this was a real sport. Like, it's just, there's no universe where what they do make sense. It was very awkward too. That backrest came, like, it lasted for 15 seconds. So I waited too long.

He was going really slow. It was very deliberate, but it just didn't. There was no climax there. It just lingered. Yeah, what were you going for? Like, what was the payoff to this? I have a feeling like maybe there was supposed climax there. It just lingered. Yeah, what were you going for? Like, what was the payoff to this? I have a feeling like maybe there was supposed to be another person involved because a lot

of this is like somebody legitimately crashes when they were supposed to be ahead. And so the person behind them will also crash. And you're like, okay, well, I'm, whoops. Yeah, this had to have just been a much fun. A lot of times in the choreography, it'll be like somebody was clearly supposed to hit you here So they just go over the rail on their own. I think there was supposed to be something else happening I Think it's hard to improvise when you're going 15 miles an hour on roller skates and there's like eight people in your way

I think this is a scientific study to prove that Which again is another case for it. Just make it a real sport. Like, when I first turned on the show, I thought it was a real sport and then while they're doing the reset, they do the little pro wrestling like choke matches. Monster Wars. Yeah, that's just how they feel the time. But no, no, the whole thing is fake. And this proves it because they very, very carefully get this tie. And so now they bring out the Gators. We learned that there's four Gators, three of them are seven footers. The ten footer is roller gator, the one they wrote the song about.

And okay, and here's... You're not going to believe me unless you've actually seen it, but the two competitors in the sudden death Gator fight, they're wear fucking Gator hoods. Like, hold on, they are not members of the team. They are reserved specifically for the gator skaters if this happens. So each team has a skater that specializes in gators

and will only be used in the event of alligator. And now only two of them, and the only way they can win now, and this man on man, is to win a six lap sprint or beat the shit out of each other and throw one in the alligator pit. You'll never guess what happened. They look like sleasexed, kind of, from land of the lust.

And he goes in, and the first thing he does after he gets shoved into the gator pit is this very specific gator wrangler like thumb move to jam it into the gator's mouth. Like, it just looks like something you would only do if you're a professional gator torturer or nothing else. Like it's- You immediately just reaches into his mouth and the gator's like okay I know what this is. Yeah I've done this before. To me this rules because they're trying to sell this on two roller skaters

falling into an alligator pit and immediately like the fiction is destroyed because they get a close up of him doing this fucking gator-taming thing. So I'm just saying, like, all the things that could have gone wrong in the show, and all the things we saw go wrong, and they still tried to do this. They still tried to sell us that these are two ordinary roller skaters that might fall into a gator pit.

Also, this is the only time they ever used the gator pit of the 13 episodes, this was it. Well, they realized this was a, we're barely qualified to slap each other while roller skating. Right. This is a bad idea. But to give you an idea of how much this idea resonated, I was 13 when this came out, way, way old enough to figure out exactly what they're doing Like oh, they're gonna dump this gator tamer in here one time But even then I've been walking around for like 30 years like

Sure that they had this fucking gator pit that at any point could come into play that that the the that there's a group of roller skaters Crazy enough to agree to maybe get eaten by alligators uh and Like until I rewatched it, I didn't realize how how they faked it. But you know, that's man until free to told me I assumed all roller derby was centered around the gator. Not my experience. All the all the animals in Orange County were just board housewives. Hey, oh, it's aer games end as it differently.

You're not going to believe this, but they ended it like it did everything else with a bunch of explosions and fucking they have every star of roller games come out and just pant into the camera for a very sexy story. Well, well, another expositional thing in some way. It's a different one. Okay.

You are an American hero. This is the one ending. You know it's not. I didn't mean to do that. Just named two flowers ending. And yet the synth perfect, the perfect way to go. Superfighter! Shitty in the Honda Zone, Theo and Astunda, Cupsha, you kids in the wild. I'm not Hunda! I'm not Hunda, Frankfurt! I'm not Hunda, Frankfurt!

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