The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 133, Theodore Rex with Tom Reimann

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

Seanbaby suddenly remembers Theodore Rex exists, and he takes it out on Brockway and guest, Tom Reimann. The only 1990s dinosaur buddy cop movie where they had to sue the star to be in it!

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1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. Yeah, 9000. Welcome to the Dark Zone, 9000, the official zone of 1900Hotdog.com. The very last comedy website. Go there, support us on Patreon. We're all text and picture jokes have left. I'm Sean Baby, the internet's first funnyman,

but my co-host is no laughing matter. He was serious business magazines, runner up for most serious summer hunk. The great rubber rock wave! Uh, here's a rock wave fact. I'm only appearing in this podcast because I lost a lawsuit. My, uh, my lawyer advises no follow up questions. Yeah, I don't have any.

I think that, uh, that explains it all. We're joined by, uh, columnist for one-hundred hot dog and co-founder of the podcast network Gamefully Unemployed. The also great Tom Reiman! Hey, it's me. Thank you. I'm back. Welcome again. You're the perfect guest today because As Brockway said like when you came on to our website Normally columnists take a couple of articles to get their feet under them and you're just like fucking 1995 all the time

What's my thing? What's my thing? I don't know what my thing is you like nope Just this I didn't even real I didn't even realize it was my thing until you guys pointed it out Which was it like your third column? We're like these are all from 1995 It's like every single movie you're writing about is from like 1994 to 96. Yep. The Tom era. This is the only, I stopped. Ninety-jentie stuff.

I've caused the sweet spot. Even the stuff that's not movies, like overpower, that's 95. Like, that's the year that I exist in. Those Doom novels, with those 95. You bet your, well actually the first one's 90 and more. Yeah. Okay. Just it was the, I think we'll prove with this podcast.

No, you're fucking right. It was 95. You're absolutely right. It was 95. Yeah, it was 95. Let me tell you what my brain did. Let me tell you how my fucking mind palace works. So my brain has linked that first novel forever to Celeste Stallone's Judge Dread because they came out the same summer.

And my brain erroneously a second ago was like, Judge Dread was 94, no it wasn't, it was 95. So that's how my mind palace solved that riddle. It's in the giant It's in the bigger pile titled 1995. It's in the judge dread chamber In the pile is garbage on building to say There's more than one thing in my memory. That's tied to judge dread starting so that's a lot It's a great foundation, I think like build it all on top. It's solid. It's really to Judge Dredd starring Sylvester Salon. It's a great foundation, I think. Like build it all on top of it. It's solid, it's really solid.

Yeah, unshakenable. Might as all Rob Schneider. The whole foundation is just Rob Schneider. Yeah, it's gonna say starring Sylvester Salon. Co-starry, at best. That's true, that's entirely fair, yeah. But we're talking about Theodore Rex today, I guess. And of course from 1995, I probably should have mentioned

that we were just focused on the era. They read the title, they know. I don't even know if this was a movie of its era. It feels like it is just from the wrong universe, more so than anything we talk about. It does, it feels like a lot of reasons for that. Like somebody's making fun of 1995. Like in 1995.

Like don't quite get it. Like a bad bully is doing it. It's six different movies that collided in 1995. Like they were all traveling to different points in the time stream and this is where they intersected. Yeah, it's a quivering water flesh that happened after six movies collided. It's just a real Ron Silver. It's a real Ron Silver. Yeah, it's a teleporter water flesh that happened after six movies collided. It's a real Ron silver. It's a real Ron silver

It's a teleporter Silver A little movie It's a quick speak it would beg for death. I think is we can all agree. Yeah But it has no now yet. It must I have detailed notes of like the plot and I think we should go through the plot It's faithfully as possible without getting ahead of ourselves But I do want to talk about like the background of the movie. I think we should do I was wondering just Okay, I was wondering if you were going to do this because I couldn't decide

Which was the better way to do it up front or to do it at the back if we're gonna do it up front I kind of agree I kind of agree. I kind of agree that that's the right approach because you have to do everything we write. I'm sorry. No, no, you're absolutely right. There's too many twists. If we talked about the entire movie and like,

say the audience hasn't heard of Theodore Rex and we're like, here's this movie and it's very silly. And then at the end, we're like, oh and also it was all these other things. I feel like that's, there's too many twists. Right, I feel like we need to put it up front and then everything we say thereafter are the footnotes. Because watching it again, like with this knowledge, it's so nihilistic. Like this movie just fucking hates to be.

Like it doesn't listen, everybody hates it. Listen, this was like the template for so many columns I wrote for cracked because so many things I wrote about were these Obscure ass movies like theater wrecks that 178 people have seen so I always had to really I had to explain what the movie was So that I can then make fun of it Yeah, I of course As a crackwriter for many years I had had just as a Gillian column ideas, and I love this movie. I love how it's insane and the back story's insane.

But this is one of my new favorites, 100%. Yeah. And the problem with writing a crack list is you see something like this and you're like, oh cool, I'll make a list based on that. But you're like, no, this is so uniquely fucked up. You can't make a list of like, hey, here's a list of movies, we have documentaries. Do the principal start to be in it?

Like, that's not a list. Here's a, movies with a cop. It defy the list format. It's not the, yes. It's far too expansive for the list format. There's too much to talk about. I got a lot we're to do it in a podcast. We got to explain it.

We got to explain it. We got to explain it. Yeah, OK. What happened? So this was written and directed by John Patul. He was the writer of my science project in the last Starfighter, which I think is kind of perfect because those were both really big

in weird movies. But one is a timeless classic, and the other one no one liked to remember. And Theodore Rex combines like all four of those things. Like this is just timelessly terrible and no one will ever remember it properly. No one will remember it fondly, but I'd like, as soon as you know about it, you will never forget about it as just like a cautionary tale. I was like, I was going to say, as a tale of man's humor.

I was perhaps. I think that everyone who remembers it remembers it properly. Okay. As a terrible mistake. Yeah, it's like, you know how we have to come up with like a language so that several generations in the future will remember like where nuclear waste is buried? Like I think it's that. I think this is that language. We're teaching that language in movie form. You might not know what human English is in the year 2600, but you would watch this and be like, oh, something terrible is here.

We should watch that. In the year of Tare, 2600. It's the challenger explosion of rubber dinosaur. That's what it says on the box. It's like Coleberg, Jean-Charlet Polk. So the movie was historical in a few ways. It was when they decided not to release it at the theaters, it became the most expensive direct video movie ever made

at the time. It's cost 33 and a half million dollars to make. It doesn't look cheap? Yeah, no, it's like 95 money. It's, it looks like shit. It has like a, but it doesn't look cheap. It doesn't look cheap and it looks like it was a really hard job to make it look like shit. It looks like it was a really hard job to make it look like shit

It looks like it was exhausting. Yeah, a really fierce shit a really hard shit You can feel like the insecurity but the effort Yeah, so it's a real it looks depressing, but I mean it looks shitty, but in a depressing way Right, right like someone tried to make like a foreigner tried to make Batman returns and just really blew it, which is almost exactly what happened here. So I think the razzies are kind of stupid like they're just kind of like insult comedy for people who clip Marvardouk. Yeah, like and they're all normy. They really they play around in transphobic jokes a lot too. It's the fuck the razzies they suck. Yeah, agree, 100%.

But you could sort of use it as a barometer for how much people were making fun of something. And this was the very first straight to video movie nominated for a razzie, which you find as a trivia effectoid whenever you look this movie up. So it's something just to keep in mind that like, the second this came out, people were making fun of it. Right, like the cultural penetration of this movie

was way more than a standard direct to video movie would have been. Like they had this standard clearly because making fun of, if you nominated direct to video movies for the razzies, then it's just fucking anything. Then you'll wind up with some shit, numbers ever heard of. So it was too low hanginghanging fruit for them, and they decided to break that qualification for this movie.

And they're like, we're making an exception for this piece of shit. Congratulations. They're getting his theater rex. The theater rex clause. It's in the bylines now. But to be clear, the razzies are the girls gone wild of the Oscars, so like, who gives a fuck?

Yes. For sure. That would be a serious red flag if someone knew anything about the razzies or were really interested in following them. If someone said, hey, come over to my house for a razzies party, I would never go to that person's house under any circumstances. That's a felon. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe I'd go there to rescue the hitchhikers they have in their basement. I was just about to say you check your basement. There were some bolt cutters. That's a basement red flag. That is a basement confession if there ever is one. Yeah. So the most famous story from the movie is that

Wobby Goldberg didn't want to do it. She saw the script and she's like, fuck this. It's the only movie she claims to regret making. She made a lot of fucking bad movies. But apparently she agreed to be in the movie for five million dollars. And after she backed out and said, fuck you last star fighter, they're like,

no, you have to do it. So Richard Aberson sued her. The producer of Peewee's Playhouse sued her for $20 million and whoopie Goldberg was like, okay fine, I'll do the movie, but for $7 million. So she negotiated down from $20 million to negative $2 million, which is pretty good negotiation. And what they had to sue her. But you can't hurt them. To get her in the mood. They had to sue what they had to see. I want to remind you that whoopi Goldberg is not in 1995.

Whoopi Goldberg is not star of the view whoopi Goldberg is Academy Award winner whoopi Goldberg. Exactly. Like she's a major cultural figure at this point. And she realized she's the huge star they attached to the movie to get it made. Exactly. Because she- That's why it is. Yes.

Oh my god. So she doesn't know. Like that's why. That's prime woofie. I just wanted to say that. No, I think whoopee Goldberg is the Nicolas Cage of Black women of black women and wait wait wait I got to look up if I can say that you can't know you got to cut it the the point I'm trying to make is she sometimes brilliant funny and other times just like like a charmless weirdo

grouch right maybe she's a Tommy Lee Jones yeah yeah Tommy Lee Jones but like I was gonna say, in terms of this movie, it feels more Nicholas Cage, because she's not, she's not, she's not sandbagging this movie. She's performing the scenes that she's in. It's just, you can tell, she's not giving it her all,

but she's not like sandbagging it. She's not like dead reading stuff and shit like that. Imagine, like, okay, imagine her scenario. Like, you have just signed up for a job. You've said, oh, okay, I'm gonna accept this job. And then before they even hire you, before you work your first day, you're just like, this sounds like the worst job I've ever fucking heard of. And then they say, if you want to quit, it's going to cost you $20 million. And so you show up for work the most reluctant any human being ever has. And you got a slight pay raise, you got a little bit of a pay raise. That's fine. You don't want to be here in any way, shape or form, but you also know over your head, already you have lost a $20 million lawsuit

So she's she's doing her job here because she knows like a guillotine $20 million is over head if she doesn't like she knows they they have successfully sued her into the fucking ground So that's this is like under threat. She is acting under personal threat I also want to point out that the makers of this film acknowledge that it is shitty enough to give her like a 38% increase in her salary to get her to get her to not quit the film so that they don't have to sue her for 20 million. But like it's a real like mission of guilt.

Like increasing from 5 million to 7 million is then acknowledging that this is a piece of shit. That's your $2 million. This movie's a piece of shit. So $2 million apology for writing this movie, for writing Theodore. What an image. Imagine writing something so bad.

You had to pay someone $2 million more dollars to read it after paying them five. No, great, $5 million dollars, they were like, no, that's not enough. That's not enough. You have to pay them $2 million dollars to convince them not to breach their contract. Because the fact that Wippy came back with OK, I'll do it,

but for more money, means that she was at least a little confident that she would have beaten the lawsuit. Or she was like, or she was just thinking, maybe I'll take that 20 million hit. Yeah, that's worth it. Maybe just juggling it. She was in a movie where she was like the sassy coach of the New York Knicks, it's through like some weird accident. So I don't know if we'll be cared $20 million enough to protect her reputation.

Like, she would like win an Oscar sometimes. What was the name of that movie? Eddie Mike? No, Eddie, Eddie, that's right. Shit. That's a real thing. I didn't make that up. I saw Eddie as a theaters. Jesus Christ. What?

Was it 1995? It was close. What does it take for you to look at something? It's a ass. Not going to be very good. No, I might see every goddamn thing you put in front of me, man. Yeah, I might do that too. I cannot criticize. Oh, we'll be super fans. So celebrate the whole catalog. Listen, listen, I just explained to you that my brain organizes information

according to Stallone's judge dread. So I don't know what answer you want from me for that. That makes perfect sense to me. And mine, Pellis, is Judge Dredd. From a movie Judge Dredd? Yes. It's a waste land. It's a much like Judge Dredd.

Much like Judge Dredd. It's the curse turf. But so whoopie is obviously very cranky making this movie? the per- every time she saw the Producer Stefano Ferrari she would call them mother fucker Like just whenever she saw them on the steps she would say that to the point where she got him banned from the set now I looked him up his dad was an evil Italian pharmaceutical guy Oh shit, and this was him trying to be a big Hollywood filmmaker. Yeah okay. So I'm this guy. Yeah so I'm not kidding when I say his only previous project was a crime movie

from nine years earlier, starring Richard Harrison from all the God for Hone Ninja movies. Not critically acclaimed. So he might not have known he was in it. Right. He might have just been likeicing. This might be his footage. He might have bought it from God for your hope for 80 bucks. He's like, hey, I can't, I can't have some of that ninja footage. I'm making a film. A big Hollywood picture. Uh, I love these other anti-mages.

His next one would be an Italian TV movie called Viagio Nella Pedophilia. Oh no. Oh no. Don't translate that. Don't translate that. Yeah, please. No, it doesn't sound as bad in Italian or in English. It means journey into Pedophilia eventually For some reason the journey into was worse than what was

Journey into like on a riverboat I don't want a journey into like on a riverboat. No. I've found an interview where I found out that guy hates the movie too. So his first big Hollywood movie, he hates it as well. He will farm a certain reporter. Petophile doesn't like it. What the fuck must be that for him? Jesus.

What kind of hate? What of hate millimeter shit is that? We'll be went on the record about this guy. She said, just for the record, I hate your guts. Maybe in 10 years, you and I can have a cup of coffee and laugh about this, but you've made my life a living hell and I hate your fucking guts. That's the kind of like fucking press work she did for this. You can feel that he's also just burning in every minute of this movie. Oh, like a- Oh, she hates theater wrecks with her entire being.

For the whole- I am. Everybody in it, you can feel it's not even just from her side because for sure you can feel her hating doing this. Like, I can't believe you're making me fucking say this, you assholes, but you can also feel like the producers and the director is just being like, yeah, make your talk to the fucking puppet for five minutes. Do the fucking, do another take of the fucking puppet scene, the puppet in the bag, that's relevant.

I'm like, just, it's all out of spite for each other. Do the burp joke again, should we do it different? No. Have the dinosaur burp in her face again. What's the punchline? There's not. It's the same scene we can use. You don't even need a film at twice.

Speaking of office, they had a bunch of puppet-pup trouble. The first set of filming, the vanser didn't work. And what we go through, a temper tantrum. Another fun fact, I read that her part was supposed to be Kurt Russell. I don't know if they had him officially attached, but that was who they were trying to get. So anyway, this movie was probably mild though, or funded by pharmaceuticals.

I'm sorry, they wrote with Kurt Russell in mind that they settled for Oscar winner Wuppie Goldberg for $7 million. A third of the budget of this film. Or rather a quarter of the budget of this film, I'm sorry. I just like any ladder where the first at the top, Kurt Russell, number two, whoopie Goldberg. Alright, I'm like, my celebrity basketball team, what is this list for? Yeah, so it's got a star who just want to be there.

The script is terrible. I haven't mentioned that the writer was very insecure about the script and was changing it all the time. Like, a lot of the actors were complaining that he kept giving them new lines to write As we get into the movie I'm good at bad couple things Somebody stop me from digging this hole. I don't it only goes down There's a few moments in the script where I'm like I feel like they're reading from a wrong draft like there's a couple things that happen where I'm like This doesn't I think they're wrong.

I think this, like, there are a few things that don't add up, yeah, that don't get it. Yeah, and there's a lot of like threads they never like wrap up, but um. Seems that come in and don't belong. And then they just run them for like seven minutes and then it'll stop and it will have nothing to do with anything.

It's just, just, it's just like... It's just like... The point is everyone involved in this movie was either incompetent or not giving their best effort or completely hamstrung by somebody else's incompetence. And that's... Or being coerced. Or being coerced. Yes, so being coerced.

So being coerced. So I have the intro of the movie. This is like literally how it starts with like a Star Wars style crawl and someone reading it to you. Always a good sign. One sup on a time in the future. At midnight tomorrow, billionaire Elazar King will launch his new Eden missile to bring on another ice age.

Two senses and a dumbest thing about Earth. King will re-animate the pairs of all Earth's animals he keeps frozen in his arc and create his vision of paradise. One hour ago, two workers escaped from the new Eden compound and are racing to tell the police about King's master plan. That sounds like it might have been cool to see in like a scene, like the two people, because I didn't remember that at all, that the two murder victims were people that escaped to tell the world about King's master Plan. They tell you all of these things at several points in the movie. So this is not an exposition dump

that they couldn't fit into the movie or that you need to know for the first scene. They just weren't confident. Like they weren't confident you would get it. They weren't confident enough in the audience to just tell them the plot. So they had to reach you the plot. I didn't get it.

Why? Yeah, it they have to reach you the plot. I didn't get it. Why? Yeah, it would have been a nice twist and I got it would have been deep into act three, but like they do tell you this in the movie and in the movie I was like, oh this would have been not interesting but a surprise. Right, to like reveal that he's building the art, like why do they tell us his plan up front because the movie doesn't? They present that the movie just begins like a noir where there's some random murder

and then they go and do that and then there's another murder and then they try to try to connect it and then they figure out that it's connected back to the sky cane and then they realize he's building an arc. It's weird that they tell us the whole game and the opening crawl.

Yeah. I can guarantee you I know what happened here. Like, they watched, okay, it was filmed exactly like you saw because it's a functional movie, the first couple apart. It's dumb as fuck, but it's like it's a no, they're just stealing a noir pattern. But they showed it to, I'm gonna say studio executives. They showed this print studio executives and there

was a long silence and they went what the fuck was that? And so they thought oh they didn't get it, we'll put in a text crawl and they're like no no no that's not what they didn't get. They didn't get the whole thing. Like none of it. None of it made sense. Just summarize the entire movie in the opening scroll. Like just because it's complicated, just because it's stupid doesn't mean it's complicated. Like, you know what I mean? That's what they're, like that's the pandering that they're doing to you.

No, I'm sorry, you don't get it. The questions you would have aren't answered here. Like, you're like, why are the dinosaurs talking? I think they're going in the text. Why is any so long? How long has it been going on? Why is any of this happening? The most fascinating thing about this movie to me,

like the most unexpected thing was how many different hats it's wearing because it's not only that, like you look at like the cover of this movie when you walk by it and blockbuster or whatever and it's just like a T-Rex and like, whoopee Goldberg pallying around. And you kind of like create like an image of what you think this movie is in your mind, which is like a buddy cop,

kind of like goofy family oriented, like you know PG rated, she's got like a dinosaur and it's just like, oh there's just people in dinosaurs in this universe and that's just how it is. And it's gonna be like, joky and fun and light. but like what this movie turns out to be is like a futuristic movie like it's this weird sci-fi movie it's got there's also

magic in it and then also whoopie goldberg is like a robot cop like she's not a person she has like she's like a machine. There's like so many different layers that they keep throwing it onto this movie that you would not expect from just like, what this elevator pitch must have been, was just like, oh, it's like, you know, like a dinosaur and a person team up in a world where dinosaurs and people live together.

And then this is what they fucking came up with. It's like, what the hell is this? This is like the taxi cab carpet of that interpretation of that elevator pitch. Yeah, it's fucking madness. Speaking of madness, it opens with a little butterfly flying on through a dinosaur's face and exploding it. And then Theodore Rex wakes up and calls work.

I think does he work as a cop? He's not a detective, he's just like, he works. He works. A public relations officer. Okay. Okay, so he forgot about that. He forgot about that too, but I did want to mention that in all the hats that this movie wears,

is that the diner, because this movie can't think of anything cool or unique for the dinosaurs to do that has anything to do with them being dinosaurs, it invents this plot thread where every dinosaur has a psychic link to each other where they can see when another dinosaur is in pain. It's really weird.

Dinosaurs. Yeah, nothing to do with being a dinosaur. The way they assume that, they're just barely mentioning. He's like, I just have this connection with other dinosaurs as though like of course U.S. Children learned about that in a natural history museum field trip how all dinosaurs have telepathic licks like that's It's it's it's it's such that meteor took from us It's like such a Obvious signal of the screenwriter giving up,

or it was, couldn't think of anything interesting or unique for a dinosaur to do. So, well, I just make this psychic. Nothing to do with it being dinosaurs. And speaking of interesting and unique, he lives in the apartment from big, or maybe like Peewee's playhouse, not quite Peewee's playhouse, sort of like a not quite Peewee's playhouse

but just like just a violent bunch of high-contrast shapes and colors. Yeah, it's really a great Like just like a playground. It's like and it's really high. He lives it in the 90s. He lives inside a trapper keeper. It's the clubhouse from Ninja Turtles. It's the foot clan. We all have a perfect vocabulary to describe this. Everyone from 1995 knows exactly what this is. He lives alone, but he does a weird shower gag. He goes in the shower and he's like, oh, the temperature is perfect. Do not flush the toilet.

And I'm like, does he live a, like that's the level of jokes in the movie where it's just kind of like silly in a and like a indeterminate way There was a whole decision here in in general a bold decision that They decided what's really gonna make this movie is that The dinosaur should be mumbling all the time and I mean all the time every single scene every second he should be mumbling all the time. And I mean all the time every single scene every second he should be mumbling just nothing just like

I want to close the store he should just be mumbling under his breath about like everything he's looking at and seeing and they do it for the entire movie it's a fucking narrates he narrates every moment of his day as though he was supposed to have a co-star that was sharing these scenes with him But she refused to film them right she said I will not be fucking the dinosaur right that out of the script So like not most of the time this movie it's like they play out these scenes where it's like it's a It should be a buddy cop movie, but it's just Teddy narrating the events of his day to him So right well, there's no

Bear I'm eating a cuckoo my character likes cookies He's got a cookie. She right. Yeah, why does he have a fucking He's just pissed off. He looks like this. Why am I see him? Why is he obsessed with cookies? Why is he literally cookie monster? It's just I don't know I don't know. It's just, I don't know. It's like another cookie shooter. I thought he was like the Gremlins dad. I thought like, oh, he makes little gadgets. Right, he's an inventor.

But no, he just loves cookies. It's a shooter. He needs a shooter. It's like the psychic link where it's just like another sign that like the screenwriter just gave up. Because like, well, we need to give him something, I guess, that's like the psychic link where it's just like another sign that like the screenwriter just gave up because like well We need to give him something I guess that's like fun for kids. So he loves cookies He's he's a tyrannosaurus Rex. What can we do with that? He loves cookies That would be crazy. It blows my mind that they do absolutely nothing with the fact that he's a dinosaur

They don't do anything with that. So why is he a dinosaur? Okay, but here's the thing about dinosaurs is they have tails and so when the Udo Rex gets in his little car There's a tail storage door like he opens it up puts his tail in there close to the door And I hope you like tailgags audience because the fucking movie because the fucking movie has the least 50. The fact that dinosaurs have tails is the funniest thing to the guy who wrote the last starfighter. He put that shit, this tail thing I'm talking about right next to the written and directed by credit.

They're like close the door on that tail, tail compartment, oh this is where I want to put my name, this is my opus. That's all this movie knows about dinosaurs is that they have tails. That's the only thing they do with the fact that he's a dinosaur. It's like it fucking boggles my mind. It's like 80% of the movie is just literally him mumbling and hitting things with his tail like he has dementia. Like this is a very sad tale of a

demented dinosaur. Like this a family is stayed over that is like looking for him like his posters are up everywhere. He's just wandered away and it's now like I'm a cop. I've joked myself in the corner and I only have terrible jokes. I'm not allowed to say for me like that. We got to go back to the movie. Just say it. We'll cut it. We'll cut it. Oh my god. That was a, what an impossibly terrible thing. You said, okay. So we cut now to like, what be is a cop and she drops down onto a truck after they watch people steal a dead body. So we don't know this universe obviously, but this is, they make it very clear they're taking this body for an unspeakable crime.

Like maybe they're gonna fuck it, maybe they're gonna eat it, but whatever they're doing, the tone does not account for it. The tone is zany. Like, whoopie Goldberg is like having fun with her partner. Currently a human partner. I have a good clip here where you can tell

she's just fucking pissed about being here. She's trying to do kind of like an axel-follow thing, which is kind of her character. She's clearly like, oh, I'm gonna just be Eddie Murphy in this role. I don't want it so good to see you. I'm from the Dread Police. Are you collecting for the police news bar?

You're my... You're my... You're my... Put that thing away. Cool off, damn he could get hurt. Well, then I suggest you not move, huh? You've been observed. You've been seen spotted, caught. Committing a plot.

So you're under arrest She's so grumpy about it. She does humor humor funny. We're doing funny fucking stuff today. That's great Talking fast. I forgot about bud court playing backster stockman in this movie I forgot about Bud Court playing backster Stockman in this movie. From Harold and mod, of course, the whole blood court. And he, I don't feel like he's right for this role. I know he did like a toy man voice in one of the Superman cartoons, but like this was

before he'd perfected it. He's just, maybe he's just not directed very well, but it just fucking feels so bad. Every time he opens his mouth, I'm like, this is embarrassing. Yeah, I mean, it's this whole movie is embarrassing. Like, yeah, like Bud Court has done a ton of weird shit like this, so it's not like totally out of, it's not as weird for him to be in this movie as it is for Wuffy Goldberg, especially in 1995, but I think, yeah. Right, like they only sued him for like $200,000 to make him right right yeah

for sure I Took a clip at the end of this scene as well, which I really like because everyone's delivering that line insanely I thought you said you had the front. I thought you said you had the back. Oh like you had the front like you had the back Right then there's an an explosion that isn't entirely too big for this movie right like that was my first indication that this movie was way more expensive that I thought Like you had the front like you had the back Great direction all around You have the back. Great direction all around. I'm glad that it was.

No second takes. Directed by a person who's never seen a comedy sketch before. He's never seen who's on first before. Well, if you watch this scene and a few other scenes, there are a few shots where they're on camera together. But repeatedly through this movie, they'll do a thing where it's just showing,

it should be showing two people having, you know, a back and forth, but it's just showing Wopey Goldberg and then somebody else. So it's clear she's just doing her side of the scenes and then somebody else is doing their, like she doesn't wanna be in the same place as them. Yes.

Yeah. It has that energy. Like sometimes we have to record the podcast, like intro's or whatever with no one else here. And it's just fucking sucks. It takes like 15 takes, because there's just like no energy from other people. And like that's the energy whoopi brings

when she's clearly like alone in a studio going like, oh, everybody like, oh, humor, he will run glad you could be. You know, I'm jumped into, like it's just so fucking bad. Yeah, Academy Award winner, and she still can't make it work, I guess I have a feeling they had to shoot her out in about like 10 days She made she made $700,000 a day for sure Fucking Bruce Willis money. It was not enough and it was not a nut. Yeah. So, my notes just say tailgags, tailgags.

I started keeping track of every time he bumped into some shit with his tail. So, he happened so many times. You can't. Where do they go to a hotel? They go to the policeman's ball or something? I can't even remember. Oh, they go to some fundraiser. Yeah, right. Because it was insane like he goes to like his first case and it's a dead dinosaur which is apparently weird and a huge deal so he

Calls that case yet. He calls the station and it's like where's the commissioner and they tell him where the commissioner is and the Commissions from Richard Roundtree which we haven't mentioned yet somehow The only fucking scene he's in? He's in a few scenes. He's in like two more scenes, and he's bringing the same energy. It's like, we'll be golden, because half of his lines are just him going, what? And like, that dead pause pause that was that was perfect because that's what happens in the movie yeah no I wanted to give it the the exact same

gravitas that it has in the film but like Teddy uh theater wrecks drives to this uh fundraiser to confront the commissioner and demands that he be put on this case and made a full detective. Yeah. And the movie makes very little justification for it. It just seems like he's having a weird break or something. It's this movie. Oh my God. It feels frustrated.

It feels like frustrated with storytelling. Like it's like just fuck you. Okay, he's on the case. Fuck you for asking. It feels. It's feels like frustrated with storytelling. It's like, just fuck you. Okay, he's on the case. Fuck you for asking. Don't make me feel in the scene. It feels like every scene is somebody struggling to come up with an idea for this premise. Like they have this premise of like, hey, a human team's up with a dinosaur in a world where that's plausible and they solve crimes.

It should be fun. But like, right, it should be fun and it shouldn't be this hard. Like, it should be working this hard for it. But like, every scene is like making it like this complicated fucking bonkers thing. Just one of the, you just want to sit him down and be like, okay, hey, hey, hey, just take a minute. All right, you got this. It's just fun. You're gonna be we're gonna be I

Have the toddler I don't know man there was like 800 tail I think yeah, he not so reass with a tail. He bumps into an employee So he doesn't seem to know he has the taste. He's laughs an ass. He's He's laughs an ass. He's just bashing into everything Let's see I Think he goes to the party and he knocks something over And now we learn that that this is not like an alien nation situation. It's more like

a Dr. Varro thing, like one guy made the dinosaurs and then like made it so they talk and just sort of release them into the world. And everybody's mad at it. Sort of a right, I shouldn't say sort of. It's a pretty overt racial allegory. Like people don't respect dinosaurs because they're inferior. And it was especially bold of them to give the mouthpiece seen to the black woman where she's like, oh, he's a dinosaur. I'm not working with no dino. And then somebody else says, you're not species,

are you? And then everybody laughs like, you graduated from the academy just like you. Is it dinosaur? You're from the Academy just like you? Yeah, it's a dinosaur. You know the species, don't you? Give me results by prime time tomorrow and I'll double your regular commissions It's a dinosaur come on Hey, culture straighten up and fly right. It's your chance for a comeback. Don't blow it He's a dinosaur

Look up. As long as we're partners, why don't we make the best of it, huh? Hmm? A dinosaur? Yes, technically. I have this dream. I've always wanted to be a detective. Yeah, I kept thinking.

I kept thinking the clip was looping because sometimes our podcast service doesn't I? But no, that's how she does that. She keeps going, he's a dinosaur. He's a dinosaur. She says it like seven times. Yeah, that's a clenese to it, scene. Yeah, like the idea that they made Wopey Goldberg the mouthpiece for like the the racism is so weird. It really is yeah. Or maybe it's a super like progressive decision. They're like no this this world is so not racist that we're going to give the racist character we're gonna make that

Wuppie Goldberg. Kurt Russell would have been great at that. Kurt Russell would have been such a great round-grab. Really really would have been better for the film, but I understand like they saw their opportunity to get Oscar winner would be Goldberg in their movie so they pushed it. So I before he leave the party, I want to talk about the scene where he goes up and he wants a cookie.

Oh my God. And you're not gonna believe this, but his tail comes into play. So there's like a, he goes up to get a cookie and since he's a dinosaur, filthy fucking dinosaur, like the chaffer guard, there's like a guy guarding the fucking catering. And he's like, he only get one cookie.

And so then, to get around it. Not a thing that exists. He takes his tail and he whips it around and taps him on the shoulder. And the guy's like, oh, who's that? Who tapped my shoulder? And when he doesn't see anybody, he fucking leaves. He's like, I've got to find out who tapped my shoulder.

Right, it shattered his mind. It broke his brain in half. They don't get any bit. Even if it's like a classic three-stooge is bit of the tapio on the shoulder, whoever's doing it, it's just like, okay, and then he leaves. Like, no, that's not how that bit ends. And it just... And then the guy who would have taken one more cute cookie,

little cookie scheme, instead stays in one spot, gorging himself on cookies in front of everyone else. So this is what he's doing when they're like, hey, you gotta put this guy in the case. He's a dinosaur and he'll, and then he's like, oh, just stealing cookies. Well, the guy from Herman's head is trying to talk shaft into like, he never does, does the thing that you might expect to film like this to do, where he displays some sort of aptitude that would be goals that can meet him halfway on. Like he has no aptitude. The only thing he has is this vague psychic magical connection that all dinosaurs share.

And then he should, he will just, if he sees a cookie, he will lose his mind entirely and just eat them until he shits himself to death. Which they should start to finish in the movie. Right. So she's, she's just been partnered up with a dog basically. Right. Yeah, he's so cute. Well, this would have been so much of a cute movie if she was partnering up with like a fucking useless.

He won't do anything that has anything to do with him being a dinosaur. Like, the way they have him take out a bunch of henchmen later is he swings in like tarzan and knocks them over Yeah, nothing to do with that fact that he's a dinosaur Airbud would have done this shit out of that. Yeah So so we did that got that lampshading scene like this movie might have like invented and killed lampshading with that fucking he's a dinosaur scene but we now cut to the there's a guy that talked Richard Rountry and putting him on the case. And then he goes into the car with Academy Award nominee Armand Mule Stahl and Julie Landau.

The guy that talks him into it that character looks like, man, I'm trying to figure out how to describe this. It looks like Jason Sudakis wearing a Jim Gaffigan Halloween mask. Yeah. That's perfect. That's perfect. Perfect. I was trying to wonder where I saw him from, but he was the smart part of Herman's head,

which was a short lip sitcom where... Oh, that... Oh, yep. Yep. Anyway, they're in the car and he's bragging about how dumb the plot of the movie is. He's put the dinosaur on the case, knowing that he can't solve the case

because the dinosaur they killed was killed by them for their ice age scheme. So this is a springtime for Hitler or a major leaguer of Ted Lasso whatever you want. So the plan is for the plan not to work because whoopie Goldberg's a burnt out has been and dinosaurs are fucking silly tail rampaging cookie maniacs And so they'll never solve this case. Ha ha ha. We will win Don't know why they did this I they call the adorex the precincts token dino so they're really laying it on thick. Yeah

Yeah, they do they do say that exact phrase. And here's a token dino. A B plot of the movie. Is it the B plot? Maybe this is the A plot. What token? A budcourt is being called to watch the dinosaurs. So he's like, I need you to go watch Theodorex and make sure he doesn't solve the murder.

But don't do anything. Our plan for world domination is writing on this, but I just want you to fucking watch the dinosaur. And the dinosaur just fucking does silly shit. So it's just the dinosaur doing zany-bits and a creep in the shadows watching them for a literal like world destroying plan. The one guy that she actually has encountered tried to arrest a

nose of course. Yes, yes. Like the only guy involved in this scheme that she actually would see him and go like, Hey, you're under arrest instantly. We also haven't mentioned yet. Has like a robo face. He's like, he's like a sad. He's, they call him a zaphead and I think his gang, like I think that's their term for people like him or, well, they're the meth heads. They're the meth heads of this universe, and they literally write around.

They're cyberpunk people. They're cyberpunk meth heads, because they write around on electric scooters and steal car parts. Like, they called it. They called it. Yeah, they do. They look like jealous. They look like jealous, I guess.

They are. They're, yeah, they very intentionally look like jealous. Yeah. So, the character traits of Theodore Rex are that he loves cookies and he's a fucking clutz. So, when he gets, whoopie Goldberg in his car, he's big clown car, P.W. He's play fucking clutz. So when he gets, whoopie Goldberg in his car, his big clown car, P.W.S. playhouse clown car, he like, it's a roll,

it's made out of roller coaster parts, and he like, bash us or into the roof of the car, while she's protesting, he's like, hey, let me raise your seat, she's like, no, don't raise my seat,

boom, bash you into the fucking seat, and then they drive to the museum of natural history to find it. I have a question about that. I have a question about that. I have a question about that. So, that car is presumably designed for dinosaurs, right?

Because it's the dinosaur car. So white and earth would his passenger seat raise up to the level that would bash whoopie Goldberg's head through the ceiling because he is shorter than dinosaurs. Why would it raise up at all? He has an asshole car built for assholes, is Michael. He has a stupid son of a bitch car built for motherfuckers. That is the best answer. I feel like the real answer is this was from a script where he was an inventor and he invented this car.

Right. Why the fuck did that happen? It makes no sense why that happens. Sean can't be right because that implies this movie cuts something. No, I think cut I think just changed but forgot to make all the necessary supplemental. Okay, I can buy that. I'm back on board. Like someone's someone said hey Jonathan the fuck it's too many things make it so the dancer's not an inventor. He's like no problem. I'll just take out page 37. You're forgetting that there's a cookie launcher and a roller coaster car.

That's just a big goldberg set to the ceiling. It makes no sense. She's like three feet shorter than every dinosaur. Why would that happen? Why would he put that in his car? So here's where there's a big tension in the movie because he crashes into the museum and national history sign. And then he goes into this thing with all these delicate dinosaur bones and he's talking about the history

and they're like, he's like waxing philosophically about what if like all the dinosaurs were alive and all the humans were dead and what'd be going on? He's like, what? Yeah, okay. Yeah, so deep. Like he's just thinking of it now.

But there's a tension for you because I mean, there was a time. He's gonna knock all this over with his tail. I'm sorry, there was a time when that was true. That's true. The movie tries to knock us out with this philosophical question, but yeah, that was literally true for 65 million years. Like way longer than that actually.

Like hundreds of billions of years. That's just the entire messes of Zoakera. 65 million years like way longer than that actually like hundred billion million million million million million million million million million million million million million

million million million million million million million million million

million million million million million million million million million Really nice. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so much. He's so. He's so much. He's so. He's so much. He's so much. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's so. He's Literally anything. Did you mean to take a second pass at that line? Was it just a note like, hey, maybe the bones talk to him in his head and then somebody's like, oh, that's dialogue. I guess, so we're here to look at a dead body now.

And so theater wrecks ask the corner, he goes, may I? And they're like, may you fucking what? And then my first instinct is that he jerked off onto the corpse's head. He like stopped putting his nervous up against the the table and and has a dinosaur orgasm like he used to resist ears yeah just right through in one ear and out the other they said he's like shakes white works it's right yes and whatever he does it works and he finds like a chunk of the butterfly bomb and they're like oh cool

I can go figure out what this is and then he take a tail print of the dinosaur because that's how you take like a thumb print from a dinosaur sure Which is great world building because like it instantly hit me like how many fucking dinosaurs are there because I thought it was just like a small Community but now I guess there's so many dinosaurs that they they need to be tail printed but not enough That right few few enough that this is the first murder. This is the first dinosaur. Yes, excuse me exactly They go to a dinosaur bar called the extinct species club to get I Guess

Information cuz like that's where the dead dinosaurs wife ex widow works roommate right right right this is one of the heirs the movie specifically says roommate but I thought that was a mistake because earlier in this scene here I think they said that they were lovers oh They said all of the above and then, you got to delete it. They said all of those things. This is just letting you guys know what kind of picture you're dealing with.

They said all of those things. And then instead of deleting that in the script or reshooting the previous scenes which they apparently couldn't get, what be Goldberg for, they just had her also be confused. They said, oh, your husband and she's like, no, he wasberg for. They just had her also be confused. They said, oh, your husband and she's like, no, he was a friend, well, maybe more of a roommate.

I don't know. You could have just deleted that. No, no, no, no. You did not have those resources, those whoopey resources. That's your disposal whoopee sources. So the roommate, we know whatever is Carol Cain, and she's great.

The bar scene is really strange. She like fights away through everybody's tails. I don't. What has to be very racially insensitive by these universe's rules. A dinosaur does burp on her. All the dinosaurs want to fuck her and I think that's supposed to be played for us.

Okay, thank you. I did not, I could not commit. I didn't want to be like showing my ass here and being like, I think all of these dinosaurs are really horny for whoopee goldberg because I wasn't sure the way they filmed it. But this whole scene is fucking super horny, right? Oh yeah, no, yes, yeah. It's the horny scene from the great mouse detective.

That makes sense to some of your listeners, I guarantee it. Oh yeah. It's not me, but when I watch the Great Mouse Detective, I'm gonna go, oh, this is the horny scene. You're gonna get it over. You're gonna get it over. Yes, as soon as it arrives, you're gonna be like, oh, this is what he was talking about. Why was your one scene when you got all of the puppets together? Your first instinct

was, and they all are super horny. I don't know, man. This movie is fascinating in that way. Yeah. The decisions it makes with the dinosaurs. It always picks the most broken and wrong decision every time. It always picks the most repellent decision. Yeah. Yeah. And it has no comment. It has no comment on that. It just wants to show like, it shows a dinosaur.

I think they call him rock and he says, like, rock's really into you and then it shows him just like orgasming in the open air, like just, ugh, like looking at her. And then end of the scene. Pro in ropes up into the sky. Yeah, that's it. Like thanks.

Okay. What, why? Why? Why? They're like talking about the murder and then it like occurs to them. They're like, hey, we're trying to find a killer and then the lady's like, oh right, your husband's dead.

It's just so fucking weird. It's like, it feels like 20 pages of script they can combine into one paragraph and made a lot of mistakes She's already planning the funeral and what he's like planning the funeral. Okay, you killed him And then Teddy is like no, no, shut the fuck up. Don't talk about funerals. Right like and Teddy What does that mean? I'm not sure he's uncomfortably horny in this scene. Yeah They extend the horniness into this scene. As a set

designer, if you do the, if you do the dinosaur scene and suddenly every character is just out of control, horny, like what do you think that says about you as a puppet designer, as a set designer? No, no, I know what it is. The only person, if you will take

careful note, that isn't horny in this scene and is the victim of all the horny, course whoopie goldberg This is another spiked scene. This is just okay. It's the club scene and this time can we get a can we get some horny takes horny takes from everybody not you whoopie not you Yeah, that's true. Maybe there's some sort of a euphoric thing like this like you go here And they have because there's a lot of talk of, how the air smells funny and how there's no toxins and anything and maybe it's like very alluring or something and this is supposed to be a sexy scene

and what he's just fuck it, I'm absolutely not doing this. This is the scene that she looked at, and the script in is like, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing this movie, I'm not gonna get out. I'm not gonna need that, it's our bar scene. This is why they paid her that extra two million. Yeah, this is one of the scriptes that typed you to. We need the scene to establish that the roommate,

or maybe the widow who's just finding out about the murder has to plan the funeral. It's really important what we, we can't lose the scene. I don't know. Here I wrote down that Teddy smashes something with his tail and it hurts him. So I was very surprised that he can actually feel things with the tail because he's maimed a couple of people already and

Right seem to notice. Yeah, that means he's doing that on purpose. Yeah, he felt that as he slapped And Let's see so now bud court has a bunch of java's attack the T-rex They've split up so weuppie is checking the autopsy. Yes. Thank you. Wuppie is checking the autopsy of the dead body that she recovered from the cannibals or the molesters.

We don't know. And then the java's are tearing apart. Theodore Rex's car. And he can't do anything about it because he's pacifist. We discovered. He's basically at the top. Wuppies. And he can't do anything about it because he's pacifist we discovered He's he's anti-violence except they also gave him a gimmick where he has a short

Tempor like he has a rage right. Oh, no, they haven't given him that Right, they were about they will live immediately after this so if you have a T-Rex character at some point He's gonna be like girl on a T-Rex and, at some point, he's gonna be like, girl, I'm a T-Rex, and I will fucking kill you if you don't do what I say. Right. Like a teen wolf, right? Like you could, like, how teen wolf can make his eyes red. And you're like, oh, I'm dealing with the fucking teen wolf. Like the T-Rex should be able to remind you

that that's the situation. And I feel like that script got completely deleted except for like half of a event later. But this is supposed to be as anything. He's a pacifist except of course he's not. The other guy, they go back to the precinct the next day. Am I leaving anything out? Oh, whoopi discovers that the dead body was a clone made by the same guy who makes dinosaurs.

His name was Saddam. I the same guy who makes dinosaurs. His name was Adam. I just want you to stop talking. I know. It's a lot. When you asked, did I leave anything out? You could have said fucking anything. And it would have been like, oh yeah, sure, yeah, you left that out. That wasn't it.

It's so many things that his name was Adam. And they like made a thing thing of it like they took a little beat to be like what do you get it? But because they also would say he's from new Eden and then pause like right huh because it's meaningful It's so much shit guys get up right stop heading shit We're an hour into the podcast. We're 20 minutes into the movie. What be fine, Theodore Rex is fucking cars completely torn apart covered in white foam. He's muttering. He's muttering something about a fire extinguisher when she says. Yeah, but off camera.

Right, like it looks says yeah like off camera what right like it all that's off camera it must be something that they either cut or couldn't film because it's he's he's dealing with he got attacked by a job he's like no that didn't happen those were fire extinguishers he just couldn't deal with the fact that but courts jawless masturbated all over they just host him down yeah it's no it's not what happened. It will be this fire extinguisher foam. Anyway, the cops, they all make fun of T-Rex. And he's acting like a total baby.

And he's like, oh big band make fun of the dinosaur. That's real hard. But like, you're a fucking dinosaur. Eat one of the cops. Right, you're a hulking demon. Bite someone's head off. Make them respect you. We need a new car in the cops like fuck you fuck you and he's like I'm a mad dinosaur

But like it kind of like nobody buys it Anyway, they give me a garbage truck I don't know and Richard round tree's actually blaming whoopie for this. He's like why weren't why are you fucking Investigating a crime when you should have been there protecting your He's like, why are you fucking investigating a crime when you should have been there protecting your 1,200 pound monster from teen mischief like you should have been fucking This is your fault. We'll be goldberg. It's just a real week. I feel like Those screamer are new that this there had to be an angry police chief, right? Yeah, but nothing they hadn't done anything bad yet

So he's like I don't know may orors of my ass about you, your partner getting his car torn apart by a hijack reaction. He's like, when he initially shows up and asks him to put him on the case, or he's like sort of his behaving like that. Oh, the mayors of my ass about you, all this profilier and destroyer and you're just too much of a loose cannon. But he's like a PR detective that just is, you know, just a mouthpiece.

Like he hasn't done anything. Like they've been pushing that the whole movie, but you're right that they don't ever do anything that like earns that reaction. They just know that it's a trope. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Like many of the things in this film. Like you could do so much with that idea of like a tyrannosaurus cop

that has to answer to a chief who's like, who's like, oh, the mare's up my ass about you, blank. Oh, I don't know, what would a T-Rex do? Bite people's heads off. Oh, you're biting. Too many people's heads off. T-Rex. But they don't, they can't even figure that out.

Like, they don't do, I can't stress enough that they don't do anything with the fact that he's a dinosaur like they don't Yeah, it doesn't matter. He's a dinosaur at all. I thought they did all They do bad breath jokes. They this the scene marks the second time. She's done a bad breath joke Yeah, they decide to do back and everybody let's let's start a bad breath joke this far into the movie like this is our running joke now He could be an elephant like you could swap him out with an elephant and this nothing would change Like that's how little it has to do with him being a diamond. He could be a human He could be a human who likes to be a human who likes cookies and just has halitosis. Yeah, that's true

He could be Jim Belushi. He could have been Jim Belushi That's true. It could be Jim Belushi. He could have been Jim Belushi. Goddamn it, that'd be it. So really. He mentioned this movie without any dinosaurs and Jim Belushi. We would have never stopped talking about how much we hated this movie. Jim Belushi's character and red heat.

Just a fucking psychopathic ogre. So, okay. So Theodore Rex needs to get like close for some sort of an undercover operation that I feel like got cut out of the script. So he tells the lady cop that he needs to blend in and this woman says to him, go to the zoo, which has to be just fucking like the n-word to a dinosaur. Like this is a fucking racist. And but like I think she means must be a hideous slur.

Yeah, yeah, and anyway, they have a, they have a, in the police station, they have a costume summoning light beam, like, like fucking secret quarters. For fucking no reason. And why not? And so they do a trying on silly hat scene and I took a clip. Okay, hello? Dress me up. Now make me look nice, okay?

I've got this very picky partner. I took a clip. Okay, Ella. Dress me up. Now make me look nice, okay? That's a very picky partner. Besides being loud, not just a very pushy, she's a joy to work with. M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M- But, yeah, Ella, this is not undercover. Push the button! Ella, undercover. What if I were to please? Ha ha ha! No, no! Oh, galaka, galaka, galaka, galaka.

Shaka undercover. Now! Mahalo! He's a car. He doesn't make him look like a real car. Oh, he's a car. He's a car. You gotta make him look like a real car. Oh, I'm getting it. Ella. I'm getting a wee bit of breeze in my lowlands, lassie.

Work with me, will ya? Alright. I think this will do fine. Yeah, you look good. You look like a real car. I'm too sexy for my clothes. Where are we going? Holy shit. Holy shit. Every single voice he did was racist. Yeah, and terrible. And think of the effort this took. Someone ought to make a fucking full Viking and Highlander costume in dinosaur puppet size and licensed bagpipe music.

Also, why does their undercover costume generator force him to speak in a language and or accent? Right, is this like a normal bit? It's just like, because the woman cop thinks it's funny, but he doesn't seem to think it's funny. This seems to be happening against his will. And we know she's racist against that. She might have, might have hit her.

Why on earth would a future police woman who is assigning him an undercover identity? Why would the first thing she hits him with be a Viking? Okay, I want you to stop and think think about like Think about the practicality of this scene. What do we need what do we need to happen in this scene? So we we go into this scene and we need For him to get a change of clothes and now what do we need going out of this scene? We need him to be wearing a sweater and this is how they are, this is how they connected those two points. They were like, okay, how do I do this? Okay, let's see. A hologram

that turns him into a bunch of racist caricatures. And they're like, yes, perfect. Perfect. We'll be, we'll see. I hate that. Like a 1995 hack screenwriter. They're like, we need a scene where they change into sillier and sillier hats. But this is fucking space alien shit. Like when he was writing last starfighter, this man was replaced by a star visitor with no sense of earth humor. Fuck this idiot and the ground of porn.

This is like way. We went through all that so we could wear a sweater. That's the end result. Yeah, it's like a real hoodie cop. He also has triple chucky all-star shoes and a giant Dakota ring Why I don't know fucking tell you It's a dinosaur fashion check. Why was the first costume a fucking Viking When the future you fucking idiot I feel like he was supposed to do more of an opera thing.

Like I feel like the script called for an opera left. Like, like we're working better. Oh that makes more sense. He had Zany costumes. And but then he's like, I can't do an opera voice. They're like, he's dressed like a Viking in an opera. Like opera crimes. He's going undercover to investigate opera crimes.

Why would the first identity you assigned to your fucking future police detective be a character from an opera with like a fucking horn helmet and a 13 foot ponytail and a toga? I'm just, it's so fucking frustrating. It's so fucking, it's like they don't know why things are funny and they're trying to write a comedy scene.

But anyway, speaking of that, they now get rid of their stupid little cartoon van and they get a garbage truck. And even that, they set up wrong because they're like, okay, cool, here's our little van and then the van leaves and they're like, wait, that's not our car. Oh, that's our car. And then we have leaves and they're like, wait, that's not our car. Oh, that's our car.

And then we have to sit there for like 40 seconds while the camera doesn't cut to the fucking car. It's just like a quick contra- It's just like a quick contra- Yeah, and then it lingers and lingers and they finally show a garbage truck. And you're like, well, yeah, I guess I remember that fucking set up from yesterday.

And it's filled with garbage. So like he gets in the back of the garbage truck and it's just filled with. So, so like he gets in the back of the garbage truck and it's just filled with actual garbage which I don't fucking I don't know like that. It implies too many steps both in the screenwriting process and in the universe in which they live where they're like all right we're gonna give that Theodore Rex pussy a fucking garbage truck. Oh make sure it's filled with garbage like where am I supposed to find a bunch of garbage I don't know dude but I need you to go get a full-size garbage truck filled with garbage and bring it here to the fucking police impound. I put that piece of shit in the store.

All of their jokes are like tired tropes, but they don't know that. Like, they're trying to invent them. Like, they've never heard of it before and they're not great a good job All of their jokes have nothing to do with the fact that he's a dinosaur Like this movie has nothing to do with the fact that he's a dinosaur Well, they did fill it with trash and dinosaurs are all trash So that hit something I can't hit that point harder than I already have. Well, they flored me when I finished the spin-fing. The next scene is as 1995 is everything else.

They go play roller hockey with a bunch of kids. And they're like, dinosaur, come play with us. And he's like, all right, I guess. And he takes three roller balls and knocks them all into the goal with his tail. So that's fun. This would have been a different movie. If you wanted to make a movie about a fun loving Dinosaur,

a kid discovered and he went to school with him and became a field hockey player, that's a fun movie. Then for the last dinosaur. It exists. They did that show. Yeah, they did that show in a kid's house. That's a fine for the last dinosaur. It exists. They did that show. Yeah, that show and a kick-task. This is just a touch of that. It was very dear to my heart for a few years in the 80s. I guess my point here is that but also like is he good with his tail? Is he clumsy with his tail? Make up your fucking mind movie. But court is also watching all things. He's just fucking watching the dinosaur play Street Oki,

which has got to be good news for his boss when he's like, hey boss, uh, because he tells him he calls his boss, he's like, he's playing Street Oki, which is like, the dinosaur's called Three Goals. Miss Lippie's car is green. But the fucking guy, he loves it. He's like, uh, thanks for this information, because now he knows one of the kids has a connection

to the cop that he knows he's like find one of the kids that the cop knows and they pick the black kid uh... assuming he has some kind of a connection to whoopie goldberg and he i'm not that he does just hold on to it's this guy assumes that the only black kid knows the only black lady and they do

but they're not They do I don't think we forgot to mention the very start this kid was in the very start of the movie where they Where he's like what like 12 13? What he's walking along the street and she comes up to like a restaurant and a little like you know Cart restaurant along the side of the along the side of the road there and it's run by the kid. He runs like a meat stand. Right. What the fuck? And it does. Here's some meat.

And it is. They even record that later. They were up with his dad, right? Like that was the bit they were doing. It's you got to come over here and meet my dad so you can date. But it says not at the meat stand. That's his meat stand.

They even record that later. Is that meat stand? Yeah. That meat stand only is the pump. We at the meat stand. That's his meat stand. They even prefer to play later. Yeah, that meat stand only is a pun. We meet the dad later. He doesn't ever hook up with Woopy Goldberg. If I'm understanding the script correctly, she kind of has a sexual thing with Theodore Rex by the end of the movie. But that might be just me reading into it because I can tell she would I think I think Theodore Rex and the puppeteers that real horn. I think I think Theodore Rex and the puppeteers that that managed him got that note. I don't think we'll be got that note. Or she asked who'd be Goldberg. She'd say absolutely. I'm not

fucking that dinosaur but everyone else who made that movie thought that character was fucking the dinosaur. I did. The script called for her to do it. Yeah, you don't get it from her body language. You have to get it from the subtext of, it doesn't matter, it doesn't mean. I should confess, I'm just so horny for all these dinosaurs. They go to the villain's base, they go straight to the villain's base, they meet up with Cain,

which is a lot like meeting God for Teddy because he's literally the man who made him. The guy, he shows them how he can freeze animals and unfreeze them for no real reason. This seems like it's more for our benefit. He thinks it's... And then he tells them nothing else. He's like, I don't know anything about the burger.

Get the fuck out of my office. He thinks it's neat. He does. He's like... They come in, they say, He even alone, he thinks it's neat. He literally says, Well, make sure he's something.

And then he walks over and explains this and like, frees in some fish and then just kind of waits for the reaction. It's like, all right. Well, see sure you sell it and then he walks over and explains this and like frees it some fish and then just kind of waits for the reaction It's like all right. Well later Proceeds fish right? They're here pretty fucked up. It's about a murder. Anyway, murder! Get the fuck out of my office. So now they are trying to lure the little boy into a trap. The one that they think knows whoopee And they're accidentally right about that.

This is my favorite trap in all the movies. Like you can give it, give the rest of this movie all the shit you want. This is the best trap I've ever seen. Please describe it. Okay, so the kid is walking down like a, into an underpass, a mysterious underpass. And there's a brand new blinking arcade cabinet

like sitting in the middle of the screen. With a blank screen. With a blank screen that doesn't even look like a screen and he walks up instantly hypnotized like, yes, finally they put an arcade cabinet in this underpass and then hands explode out of the screen which was made out of paper and it's butt court and he grabs the kid and yanks him inside inside the video game cabinet and then in the

scene in the scene that we cut around a few scenes but the next time they show this video cabinet they're wheeling it in and he's still in there with blood court just struggling just fighting in the whole time in a box. That's the fun. It's the fun for your life against butt court. In a box. That's how you had to play bad dudes back in the day. So they're the dino funeral and dino funerals are kind of weird. They liquefy the dinosaur's body and they turn them into flour food so that everyone can take a little flour home.

It's completely... It's still... I'm'm so tired. I know we're still fine. There's so much more to get through. There's so there's more shit in this movie. I have a line I have to mention here. Dr. K. comes out at the dinosaur funeral and he blames himself. He says I blame myself for this and like the theater Rex is like oh he did do the murder But he doesn't blame himself because he did the murder. He blame himself for bringing dinosaur's back to life. None of this would have happened if he hadn't brought dinosaur's back to life. Which he says to the dinosaur's face.

My notes say, ah, what the fuck? I wrote that down. God came out of the funeral and said, I blame myself for making you. Yeah. This is my family. God came out of funeral and said I blame myself for making you Your your lives are the consequence of death God we're just kidding shit. They're so much shit. Yeah, just they do another bad breath gag because Teddy is now making moves on the widow Who's murder? He's invests who has been murder. He's investigating, but they're now calling him a roommate. She tells him to take a breath, oh this one's weird.

There's a Styracosaurus there and he just grabs Theodorex and he says like, I must advise you to give up your dreams. Like those exact words. There's more like, I think there was another plot where they're supposed to be some sort of psychic destiny for him because they say that later up they have like the king character. Oh no my desk. Oh no my dreams. Oh they it's just like scattered shots. I'll check him or some wells at the end of the Transformers movie. It's just my desk to be. And it explodes. Oh, red shoe iron.

So T-Rex invites Molly, like, Molly, the widow wants to walk home with Teddy. Or she needs someone to walk her home. She's clearly trying to fucking, but then Teddy brings her to his house. Which again, I feel like is another script mistake. And they start showing her toy cars and giving her cookies like he thinks she's a baby, but she wants to dance. So they start to dance and it's getting a little romantic. And then it pulls out to reveal the bud court is watching this whole thing and reporting it to his boss. He's just giving him every detail of these inconsequential fucking antics. Much more tailgags.

He gives Molly the Dakota Ring, this very special Dakota Ring he got from the costume generator, and leaves her at his house with the Dakota Ring, which I think that must have been. They never comes back. Part of the plot at some point, right? Like they, they, they, they pause, they do close up on the ring and he's like, this will come in handy or some, some shit like that.

Like that has to not, it has to do something at one point in the making of this movie. Surely. They just keep doing this. They keep forgetting that they set things up and taking pages out of the script. They do know the bad breath gag. They find out that the bomb butterfly was made by someone called the toy maker. Oh, do tell me you got the sound clip of this. I have the bad guy. It's my favorite line in maybe any movie ever they they're talking to like the local expert

The local expert who has analyzed the exploding butterfly and he says they ask him who could do this? And he says only one name comes to mind in Techno kill circles. He's known as the toy maker. He runs a dead storage company as a cover. It's called He's known as the toy maker. He runs a dead storage company as a cover. It's called Dragon Tail dead storage company. It's located somewhere in the ninja grid For a second there I was worried this this thing wasn't gonna have any ninjas in it How foolish I was This whole thing this whole operation is a breeding ground for ninjas

Ninja the dead storage company in the ninja grid. That's where that's where you'll find the techno kills I fucking what the fuck you talk about about moving your fucking shit whatever I'm sorry. Who is the guy you were gonna say who the guy the toy maker. Yeah, he didn't recognize him No, that's the fucking lightning guy from big trouble in little China. Oh the bad guy. I thought we were talking about that Yeah, yeah, no, I recognized I recognize the guy from big trouble I thought you were talking about the guy who says in techno kill circles. Oh, no, I don't know that's a guy from McDrupple. I thought you were talking about the guy who says, in Techno Kill Circles. Oh, no, I don't know who that guy is. He's probably having a bad nominee. No, but the ninja that we've got to is the guy from McDrupple and Little China.

Yeah, very happy to see you. Who is a toy making explosive ninja, I guess? I thought he was the guy from Robocop 3. You said you're ninja cut the feet Robocop Okay, but here's it's here we learn speaking of that whoopee is a Roboclon We mentioned this early in the podcast, but this is the first time we're learning it in the movie. She says She's more human and human which is obviously played runner quote So she's like I guess a repl replicant and a white zombie quote. A white zombie quote.

This scene, I fucking broke my brain, okay. So there's a dog barking and he does a T-Rex stream at the dog and the dog doesn't care. We're in any other dinosaur movie, he'd be like, and the dog would fucking, or for a fort, and that would be a bit. But in this, it's just like,

all right, that happened and it just, we're keeping moving. Yeah, again, this right, that happened and it just, we're keeping moving. Yeah, again, this movie doesn't do anything with his dinosaur-miss. Like, at no point, they give him so many opportunities and it just treats him like he's a normal dude. It's so, this movie is so baffling.

It's also just another very old joke that they think they were inventing like you You have the pattern for this you know where the punchline is we all know where the punchline is and you're just like What comes next? Fuck I don't know just cut the scene and the scene We did it. That's a wrap on T-Rex So he farted on her and he said or she's like, why'd you fucking fart on me? He goes, I didn't butt-trump it.

But like he did. And so I don't, even though movie can't even do fart jokes, right? So I'm like legitimately confused. Like, did he not fart on her? Is this his public he was? Yeah, he was. He did, but this is later.

Yeah, this is the setting up another running joke. Yeah, so what he finds a Frankenstein puppet in a purse, and they have a very awkward exchange, and I have a clip of that. We're looking for the toy maker. Never heard of him. I mean, you never heard of him. Come on, we know he's here. Where is he?

Who wants to know? Who are you? I'm the guy from the bag. You want me to get in that bag with you and snatch you to pieces? Oh, I love it, baby. Come and get it. Come here. Don't be going in my bag you understand listen zit

Ooh, I want to know where the toy maker is my friend here's gonna bite your pee head off food I mean, huh Not a single line of that related to the previous line, so this is a guy from the bag Not only is the movie in the future with humans and human cyborg robot people like Woppy and then also dinosaur humans who just like live like humans and don't Really do anything as dinosaurs, but there's also like Little little tiny little gnomes Little little little bag boys The. The fuck is the loop

Right we haven't seen anything like this to this point It's a name when they ask him and dinosaur human they ask him what the fuck is going on? And he says I'm the guy from the bag and they accept that as though it's an explanation. I will snatch you to death. Like, what the fuck does that mean? Why is she going to kill him with their vagina? Does he need the bag to live? What is happening? Is that what he means by snatching to death? What the fuck?

Okay, so T-Rex, it farts on her again. And he says, I didn't pop gas. So the comedy rules are two, we're done with that. They do not do a third fart joke. I don't think. No, they do. But it's not recognized. Oh, right.

But he doesn't have any like hilarious fart euphemisms this scene ends because The back they call fuzzy and whoopie's like what what's fuzzy and then like sitting on the desk the whole time is like a little worm that pops up and Then the bad guy says hey, we don't want to mess with these cops and then the worms like what the fuck cops? Even the whoopie goaboo is wearing her space police uniform. And then it turns into a butterfly and leaves. And then the bag guy leaves, just goes into the bag. And we're sort of just left with that. Just sort of like she meets two creatures

that say nothing of consequence that makes sense. And then they leave. It turns into a butterfly and flies away. And just, it's impossible to describe any part of this movie. I didn't think. If I would if I would have thought this through I would have been like we can't do a Theodore Rex podcast Sean. It would be four hours long. We really there's nothing that makes any sense every part of my notes I because because because okay, so that happens right and

Next to any other parts the dinosaur doesn't Arnold Schwarzenegger personation and a Jack Nicholson and a Jack Nicholson Yeah, yes, and this guy is not a talented person. I didn't even take a clip cuz I'm like fuck it is a loan too Was yes, that's right. I feel like this part was written for Dana Carvey and then they got like this kind of a generic voice actor who can't really do any of these voices. Anyway, the plan is they meet the guy from Big Trump and little China, the toy maker, and they pretend to be a non-cop dinosaur

who's there with his cop friend to buy an illegal gun big enough for his dinosaur hands. This is to trick him into walking across the room and pulling out a bunch of guns so they can immediately announce, hey you're a murder suspect. And he goes, oh shit, and he hides and throws a bug grenade at them. The bug grenades slowly crawls at them so they can do sort of a zany sneak away where like, oh this bug's gonna explode on us. And then it does.

And the movie is fucking insane. The bad guy. Okay, hold on. Pop sound before you continue. I can see it this up. Before you continue. I want you to just everything you just said in a row just now. I want you to imagine standing in front of like a studio table

and explaining this is what I want wanna make. This is my movie. And then you say everything you just said in a row, they would have you tased and dragged out of the building as a potential threat. Insane. You imagine being like, I need $400,000 for this scene. I need 11 of your best puppet makers. Like, on the four days with Wubby, it's fucking so good. I need the guy from Big puppet makers. Like the funny four days with Wuppie.

It's fucking so good. I need the guy from Big Trouble in Little China and he's surprisingly not cheap. He's not on any of these coupons. I wrote down that the bad guy, he says, hey, I clean and dis up when everything explodes. Yeah, that's how it explodes. That's how it explodes.

It's done. The scene is done. No. We're still here. Teddy grabs the big trouble, little China guy with his tail. So it's a prehensal tail now. He does a bad breath blow in his face. Like they now have him captured and they're torturing him.

It doesn't bother him. So whoopie punches him. And then Theodore Rex sits't captured and they're torturing him. It doesn't bother him. So whoopi punches him and then Theodore Rex Sits on him and starts farting on him like they fade out and then fade back in to show us the passage of time They've been farting on him for fucking hours Must suck a lot of anus, right? Yeah, because his breath is like a considerable force in this film Like it brings people to their knees. It's the ass eating breath.

And dinosaurs are always farting. So now they're gonna fart torturing some more. And I finally confesses at what, they threaten to bite him. Like they're like, oh, all right, I'm gonna turn a star's wreck second like bite you and kill you. And he's like, oh my God, I confess.

I'll tell you the whole plot. And so he says, you have to find K, but he has hostages, and then he describes the hostages, and they realize, oh, this is that kid I know from the meat stand, and the widow, who's a burger we're investigating. And so they smack him with a tail, the knock him out. Maybe kill him, I don't know. And then the worm pops out from earlier,

and he goes, oh, I quit. So that's fucking two Flintstones gags and Fart torture They they should have closed the circle the porcupag circle on the scene like five times They have no idea they know there should be a button so they're just putting buttons right everything But they don't know that you should leave afterwards What do you guys think about that button? you got to go white big different farts fart Please let us in the scene

They cut out and came back on the farts scene why would you? So yeah, the farts aren't explained the fucking the ring isn't explained There's something weird about dinosaurs dying that I wrote down that hasn't been explained yet, because earlier, like, there was just weird talk of the life cycle of dinosaurs and how it's a real tragic thing. That's not explained.

The psychic shit's not explained. I'm just, at this point, I just took stock of what I know about the movie and I'm happy to say, none of it gets explained by the end of the movie. We cut to the case. I think so, I think, at this point, you just need to cling to whatever drift would you I'm happy to say, not of it gets explained by the end of the movie. We cut to the kids. I think at this point you just need to cling to whatever drift would you can. It's just, it's, it is picked.

It's a snowball picking up mass and it is going to destroy everything in its path. Or you're going to become hard to think. Throw a chimpanzee in the snow. Throw a chimpanzee. It can't just be a prisoner At a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee in the snow. Throw a chimpanzee. The chimpanzee. The chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. The chimpanzee. The chimpanzee.

Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. The chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee.

Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee.

Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. Throw a chimpanzee. it doesn't come in handy. It's never, you know what, we'll talk about it once briefly again, but it will never, it doesn't relate to any. Don't worry, don't worry about the chimpanzee. They freeze the main bad guys, henchmen, the hermins head guy, because I think he was hitting on Martin Landau's daughter, or maybe it was part of the plan. The movie's still off the rails at this point.

I don't know why they froze like the main, the third in line bad guy. What be smashes into the enemy base to distract them. So all the bad guys go over the front of the main, the third in line bad guy. What be smashes into the enemy base to distract them. So all the bad guys go over the front of the truck, they're like, oh, what's this garbage truck doing here in our base? What be Goldberg, we're pals down the rope behind them to give a speech.

And I have a clip of this speech, and it's a very long clip. I just wrote this, I call this clip, maximum what be. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. so hey guy is how y'all doing? Spray keeps popping up Don't I though did you miss me? I bet you did I missed you We had such a good time. You know, I was thinking about it the other day It's such a good time when I was shooting at you

You were shooting at me trying to kill me remember and thought, where do I go if I have a problem? Where did I come to you? I'm looking for Cain, and I need your help. Now, what would you do that I'm really crushed? I mean, I came here because I thought, you could help. I mean, I'm so emotional, I don't know what to do. And my partner is just really going gonna be put out by this. You partner?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You thought I was gonna come here by myself, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did. No, you did. No, you did. No, you did. I'm happy to live there.

No, no, no, no. I don't even... it's so frustrating to me. Like she is hate fucking this script. But also it feels ad-libbed like they're like, okay, whoopee. This is your- you gotta just fast talk these fellas. This is- well this is how I would torture somebody. I would- if I hated somebody, I would put a very stupid situation with millions of dollars on a line and be like, and go. And they could go, go, go what? Just, you know, go.

Get loose. But also, this is one of those situations where she's just talking in a room by herself. She's not there with these people. No. And so it feels like the script could have literally said, like, this is a tyrannosaurus swinging on the rope, hitting you in the side, or anything.

It could have said anything. This is obviously an axifoldy thing as who I associate with, but you saw this in Guardians of Galaxy, like the idea of going up to a bad guy and being like, I'm engaging you in a compellingly silly conversation. Oh, it was a distraction, but there was no need to do any of it. Like, again, Wuppie Goldberg is a super Robocop.

Like she can just kill groups of men easily and does later in the movie. Yes. They do this elaborate plan so that the dinosaur can somehow swing down on one of these fucking warehouse ropes they have everywhere. And now they're in gyrocopter. But it is flying the marana gyrocopter. It's amazing that it isn't relevant in that last scene that she's a robo cop and he's

a dinosaur. Nope, yes. It's a scene with a robo cop and he's a dinosaur. Nope, yes. It's a scene with a robo cop and a dinosaur. And nothing, none of that comes into play. And then it ends up being ever matter. Ever. And then it cuts away to them in a gyro copter, which is also not explained. You're just,

Nope. And it also doesn't matter. Yes, it doesn't matter. Like the idea of these two people, like I'm a dinosaur, you're a Robocop. But what do we have? How are we gonna take these guys out? Like well, I got these two ropes.

They're like, oh yeah, we're between our wits and these two ropes. This dinosaur and Robocop might be able to take out six ropes, you know what I'm saying? Get our rope with, it's a badass. It's a good thing you found that rope, though, or we would have been fucked. So now what is the Jirocopter?

I wrote Coptar. Because, again, writing movies is hard. They knew they had to get them from point A to point B. There's, they do a gag where they're hanging Teddy Rex on the bottom of the Jirocopter. And he's like, oh, I'm getting kind of sick. And whoopie goblers, like, don't you fucking dare puke. But he's like 12 feet below her. I don't I don't get this at all

But they keep hitting it over either fliger you fucking puke. I'm gonna be so angry at you Oh, you better not puke like who get Five minutes it takes five minutes this scene minutes this scene. And if he crush you, he's just puking down on whoever. But he doesn't. He doesn't because they don't know where this joke is. Right. Not only is Wuppie in no danger, she's not at all in the splash on the puke, but yeah.

Well, like that scene should end with him puking like and it gets on her or something. It's a bad scene, but that doesn't. And it doesn't end. to end. Nothing happens. Nothing happens in this scene. Right, it's just to get him here, they crash directly into the room where the boss is, the final boss of the movie. Someone gets shot and turned into a coaster, I wrote down.

That can't be right, but I feel like, it must have happened, I wrote it down. And then whoopi, the Super Robocop just gets captured by a couple of jawas just a couple of methods are like, all right, we got the Super Cop. They take her out of the room and then she just fights her way out. She's like, you know what? I could probably just kill these guys and then does and then kills like hundreds more. Meanwhile, Teddy thrashes his way out of the wreckage and his creator his god explains the whole plan He's like yeah, I did all of this. I'm gonna freeze the entire world

unfreeze the dinosaurs and a couple of good people like like the Bible It's gonna be just like the Bible like the no one's are two of every animal insect and plant on earth that he has now yep Yep This should work he will create some new ice age This would have been a crazy reveal. We would have said, what? Is that really what's happening? But they already told us about this in the opening crawl.

You guys ever get to this movie is broken. So then the other guy comes in, the guy who looks like the bad guy from the crow, and he says, we call it survival of the fittest, which is extremely is not. This is a madman freezing tube, everything, and then killing everybody else. He didn't have like a battle.

He didn't have like a battle. He picked the two best ones or something. It's a guy with a very specific bingo card. I think they invite theodore Rex and they show him the hey, your girlfriend's frozen. They're again, the girl he walked home one time. I feel like this might have been a rewrite. Like, because we just haven't seen this puppet

in a long time, they might have been like, oh shit, we should freezer. Because her puppet probably killed a stunt man or something. I don't know, but anyway, like, he reveals the whole plan while Wuppie is killing his entire army. And they think Theodore is agreeing to be frozen. They're like, hey, why don't you join us? We could freeze you up, note you out after we kill the earth. And he's like, ha, I've tricked you. And he tailwips Martin Landau's daughter into the

free spot. They freeze her. Whoopie saves the kid and the champ. And then here comes a couple of jawwas coming in. They're like, ah, I'll kill you. And then she starts waving a live grenade. She arms a grenade and waves it out. I'm like yeah, fuck it out of here. That's how she protects a child and an ape I like how chill she is like at this point in the movie. She's exactly the mental state where we're at where we're just like Yes, she seems like the champion is just like yeah, fuck it Questions I just want this to end one way or the other. Bring the monkey, the fuck not. Here, look, can the monkey hold a grenade?

Let's find out. This is a male Gibson move. Like, he would have been great in this role as a racist cop who doesn't care if he lives or dies. Like, that's a male Gibson role. Yeah, that's a grenade. Yeah. He's just a real racist grenade. Right, they unfreeze Molly and she is ecstatic to be reunited with the Bumbling Cop who walked

her home to the wrong house that one time. Whoopi is fucking shot dead suddenly and then Teddy screams why to the villains who are going to kill the entire planet. He's the one which you shoot so much. Literally the last lines were him telling him. He's literally the last lines where him telling him why he's going to shoot them and then he shoots every. What?

Why? Oh, because he shoots the one person that I know. Oh, because of the stuff you said. That's right. That's right. I'm sorry. Is it become she's a cop and you're doing a lot of crimes? But then he also gets shot. Not fatally

just in the arm and he like plays it up like, oh, I'm going to die. So they all leave, they're like, oh, cool, you shot the dinosaur in the arm, he's probably gonna die from that. Whoopi's alive, but she can't move, she's like fizzing out. Okay, and then she gives what, in any other movie, this is where one character would like, say, hey, it's up to you now.

I do, I know we have some hard times you and me, but I love you or brothers. They try to do that, and it's so wrong in every direction that it's just fascinating. It's one last final long clip. I'm going to find any guys and qualified. Yes, whenever there's a killing fight, I know I'm going to find energized and qualified. Yes, whenever there's a killing fight, I know I'm going to wait. I fuck up a motherfucker every 15 minutes. I caught a star, traveling a million miles a minute, slowed it down to the state speed limit.

I had the elephant, rootin' and cheese, and the motherfucker can answer and DVD. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, the perfect clip, that is how the shot did you realize you played the Dolomite clip? Is that the Dolomite clip? No, I can't hit the Dolomite clip. It's shameless. Absolutely amazing.

The theater ex clip. That's if I hadn't said anything. So Zencaster, when you name a file something, it saves that forever forever and if you upload a file in the future with that same Filemame it plays the original this happened last podcast remember when I played the fucking super fight song that wasn't a bit That was not a bit I told you That wasn't a bit and you didn't believe me I'm so good. It's so good. So, uh, since you didn't hear the clip, whoopie tells him that he needs to use his brains. He's like, he can't use his dinosaur powers. He wants to give me a gun, I'm gonna fucking end this. He's like, hell yeah, he racks with a gun. And she, after mowing down 800 people with a gun, literally a minute ago, and then threatening to explode

a boy and ape out of spider. She's like, no, guns are the right way. You were right, you need to use your brain. In a way, this is a character arc, because the movie faked us out that Teddy's character arc was that he was going to learn how to do violence. He was going to learn how to use a gun to save the world. And then, whoopies like, no, no, no, here's the twist.

You don't use violence. Gun violence. You use regular violence. So he runs outside, he gets a gun immediately, and he's like, no wait, I remember what he said four seconds ago. I've got to throw the gun away. So he gets a gun immediately and he's like, no way. I remember what he said four seconds ago. I've got to throw the gun away. So he gets a rope instead and he builds a grappling hook with his fucking impossible strength.

And then he chases down the bad guy's car. They're just kind of cruising away in a Jeep at normal speed. I guess to get to a rocket ship, I have no fucking idea where they're going. He throws the gravity on to Cain's seat, his car seat, and just pulls the car seat out of the car at whatever. I'm not a mathematician, but the car is going like 30. He's pulling him at about 30. That's 60 miles an hour. This is how you melt a crash test, dummy. That is undeniably what happens. And the other guy drives into an exploding billboard, like suspiciously exactly like running

man. And then the missile explodes in space, but not a bad explosion. Like this was supposed to happen for the good guys team, so it explodes harmlessly in space, so the world does not go into an ice age. Cut immediately to Richard Roundtree at like an award ceremony, apologizing to Teddy Rex, giving a speech about like the civil rights of dinosaurs, and then also by the way I'm promoting it a detective, he's realized his dream, these words are said exactly directly, almost in spite of the Stairraycosaurus from earlier. The child attending this event, still holding the fucking chimpanzee.

The best friends forever now. Bounding through grenade trauma. the horny dinosaur from earlier is for some reason is in the crowd and makes horny faces at Again, he's he's fully stalking what be goldberg at this point glad we got that character arc But he's still coming while looking at what be goldberg story would have been complete without it This is how the movie is ending. This is happening. Yeah, yes. They walked directly into the foreground,

talking about how they're gonna be partners. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Those exact words are said because this movie is just a pile of cliches. And then it just says, see ya, just the text, see ya, shows up on the screen and that's the fucking movie. I didn't think that was ever going to stop.

God, it was really relentless. We did it though. That's more longer than the movie itself. More things than I've ever been in a movie. It was such condensed stacked madness. It's just a can of snakes. They just stuffed every goddamn piece of shit in one can and tapped it down under pressure

and gave it to an audience to open it. And we're like, ah, fuck you. What we've done here shouldn't have happened. Yeah, we made a mistake. If you set out to make a movie where you got every 12 wrong, this would be kind of a work of art. This would be such a realization of your vision. It really, it's not art, but it's a valuable lesson. Like if I ran a film class, I would end every class with the entire showing of theater wrecks. So that they could just really internalize

like how badly a story can go wrong. Like, oh, no, there really are some like correct ways to do this and incorrect ways. And here's every single incorrect way that's ever been in human history in one movie plus a chip. That part's kind of right. Yeah, it's pretty exciting.

Maybe not. I think that Chimp Anzi probably tore that kid apart. Moments that they wrapped. I'm sure that was a scene. See ya. Aistain hūdder, Frankfurst! Inso, Plākās, Kālums! Un mēk smalim Čā! Lāk Frankfurst, Plākās! Konek!

Jā! Dek prafis, nietrātis, niet unas! Šikdi, Indo hundas, O! Dio, anas, Štundas! Kāpšā, Dukītas, Indo Vā! Aistain hūdder, Frankfurst! Aistain hūdder, Frankfurst! Aist Stain Hounder, Frankfurt! I'm Stain Hounder, Frankfurt! I'm Stain Hounder, Frankfurt!

I'm Stain Hounder, Frankfurt! I'm Stain Hounder, Frankfurt! I'm Stain Hounder, Frankfurt! Yeah, no it's thousand! It's the 9,000 annual Monster Dog rally, supreme! The only Monster Truck rally where the trucks are also huge angry men and also hot dogs plus at least one other thing. Maybe more, always more, all your favorites are here.

Three finger-lui, the only truck that plays the blues. Aaron, Cruston, Adrian, H, Aiden, Moat, Alpha, Scientist, Javo, Sworn, Truck, Enemy of Dr. Truckopolis. Un-Andy, Armando, Navar, badger, the feral truck that implies you can tame a truck. You can't! Benjamin Sironon, Fim Tolzer, Brendan Garlock, the truck magician. What's that behind your ear? It's a truck! Brian Sailor, Brienne Whitney, Barry Tumat, the adult, truck, a full-grown truck.

Cerelle, Rev, Chance, McDermott, Chris, Brower, Clementine, Danger, the truck, who sees a therapist? Curious glare, Dan B, truck therapist. That FM Entertainment, Dean Castello, Donald Finney, Doctor. Upward, Dusty's Red Title III, Child Trucks in a trench coat, trying to sneak into this R-rated truck rally! Eric Spalding, Embracing, Fancy Shark, Jellahoe, the Well-Hum truck, and the reason this truck rally needs an R rating. Prig cunning hand. Ham mode.

Oh, Raka. Harvey penguining the hot truck. That's not a sex thing. It's overheating. Hot fart. The hot truck. Also not a sex thing. It's Dolen.

Hock. The hot truck. Who doesn't know it? So it's still pretty attainable. Jaber, Al Aiden, Jet, Orozki, Jim, Salter, aka Dr. Truckopolis. John Dean, John Hector McFarlane, John McCammon, the truck who graduated college. John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Josh Fabian, Josh Quixol, the truck, who's a billionaire?

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Dad's begrudgingly respected even if they'll never admit it come on down this Sunday and see the one and only toasty God the truck eating truck you