The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 134, Baywatch's Scorcher with Dan McQuade

Episode Date: August 2, 2023

Seanbaby and Brockway drown in the chaos that guest, Dan McQuade, has brought in the form of Batwatch's "Scorcher." A single forty minute episode of television with 814 plots, all screaming, all at war with one another, none resolved.

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Welcome to the dog zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 hotdog.com. Go to our Patreon today and support us. We are the last company's website because that's the way the internet is. And that's crazy because I'm Sean Baby. I ain't been at being funny on it. Watch me do it now. My cohost has a perfect full-border rating on hunktoes.com. It's Robert Full-Border, Brockway.

Here's a Brockway fact. I used to be in a gang that made fishermen jump off peers. We were called the fish boys and we owned seaside organ and life was good until... Well, no follow up questions. I have none. Uh, I guess today is co-founder of Defector.com, local dog zone and Philadelphia favorite, the great Dan McQuade. Welcome back. Hey, what's up? Thanks for having me on as usual. I caught myself singing the hot dog pod dog zone theme while I was walking around the house today. So maybe I've been on too often now. But yeah, I will try to point you know to have you. Oh thank you. The standard hotdog theme of the German one.

The standard hotdog theme. I don't know what the German one is saying. Do you mean the standard normal one or the hotdog nights one? Wait, did you mean the anime one? normal one or the hot dog nights one. Wait, did you mean the anime one? Not the anime one. I've definitely never listened to your anime episodes because Okay anime kind of frightens me. Oh, that's only one and there will only ever be one. Yeah, I'm glad we're retired that immediately What are you working on then? So I am currently working on a story about a ultimate Frisbee team that has lost like 75 straight games. I could relate to that.

They are the Detroit mechanics with an X. They have been around since I think like 2008 or 2009. There have been a couple different ultimate leagues. Obviously like Frisbee is a trademark name, so they have to have like a different name for what I would just have called Frisbee football until recently. But yeah, so I talked to like the owner slash coach and a player and somebody from the league and I need to finish that. So that's why I'm saying it here. So that by the time this podcast is out, I will be, I now have pressure on me. Okay. I'm glad we can help with this story. I also recently had a story.

So that's for a defector media where I work. You can subscribe at defector.com. Hopefully by the time this comes out, we will still be running our dollar eight. We have a promotion that used to mean $0.99 and due to inflation, it's now $1.08. We think it's still a fair deal. It's catchy. And so you can get your first month cheap. now $1.08. We think it's still a fair deal. Catch it.

So you can get your first month cheap. It's a sports blog, along with other random things. I also have a thing in Lappams Quarterly recently, which is about a, I was going to use bookstore and I picked up this book that was like zone defense and attack like a coaching manual by this guy Claire B who was like a coach for Long Island University in the 30s and 40s when they were a basketball powerhouse. Obviously the game was very different. Not that it wasn't quite peach baskets but the ball still had laces.

It wasn't really the same type of thing. You could just give up the long range jumpers. You know, like a really good guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't flex. But they're these balls. But like, Claire B invented the like 131 zone defense. He invented like a lot of like things that are still exist in basketball. And so I as a sports writer and I love college basketball. That's the main thing that I cover. I was like, oh, this will be fun to read this book. The lane was smaller.

It's see what it changed. Who knows how this coach writes. Sometimes coaching manuals, the person can't write. So it ends up being really funny. Like it ends up being something that could be in your library, Sean. And actually, this could be in your library because on the back cover, there is an essay by a guy named

John R. Tunes, who is a sports writer for a large chunk of the 20th century. And it's all about how sport must prove itself to defeat the Japanese and the Nazis. Oh shit. And there's no other, there's like, so the book was published in 1941, obviously, but there's no other discussion of this anywhere else.

No other books in this series. It was like a whole coaching series that Claire B wrote and that this publisher put out like a bunch of instructional sports books. None of the other books I could find had any sort of like random essay on the back about like the war. And because we did it. So we used, we used some defense. Yeah, we used the same defense. So I wrote a thing for La Pomme's quarterly, it was just like a fancy literary magazine. And the way that I like to think about it is that it really was like the fancy lit mag version

of a hot dog, of a 1-900 hot dog article. It was sort of just like making fun of this weird essay. But also I went in and like both of these guys, Claire B and John Tunis wrote like a series of popular children's sports novels. And they just happened to, and so I read some of their books. I read some of their sports writing, John Tunis. They cut out a little of my sad stuff at the end. I read an essay from John Tunis at the end of his life where he was like, God damn it,

I didn't change anything. That's a sports writer my whole life. Did I waste my life? And I was like, oh, man. That makes me like scary. Am I going to feel this way in 30 years? There's a big difference between you and someone writing a Zoom and Defense book. No, no, no.

This is the guy who wrote the essay on the back. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, that guy's a full man. He was like a sports writer for a long time. He was kind of like a schoolbie writer about how college football had, you know, like you'll see these writers now that's like, oh, college football has, it's too commercial, it's too driven by, you know, like, ruined schools. And you know, this guy was writing the same thing

in like the 30s. Well, he thought, but you could use sports to turn the tide of the war. Maybe his expectation, maybe his standards were a little too high if he was, that's why he's disappointed. So that's what's weird. This essay made no sense based on all of his other writings. The best I could figure it out is like, he needed, like I found some essays from around

the time where he was like, I need some money. So it totally was just like someone gave him a nice check to write the essay on the back. It was his Dennis Miller 9-11 moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Changed everything. Well, yeah, yeah. Change everything. Well, I think we did win the war when the Dream Team played Iraq. It was like that, that stopped the whole thing

if I recall. It's been a while since the 90s, but I do think that this kind of crazy is like underrated when someone is writing like a book on zone defense and it just kind of gets insane. Because if I'm not mistaken, his own defense is like, okay, one guy stands here, three guys stand there, one guy stands there, you're done teaching it. And if you try to fill 150 pages with that, you start to go fucking crazy.

But usually on the back, every other book in this series, the back cover was like, here are other books in the Claire V. Coaching series. And just on this one, it was like, here's an essay on the back about Nazis, and it's like the Japanese Empire. He's screaming every fucking corner of his brain to get content for those books. Yeah. You're gonna get some Nazis in there.

You're gonna get some Nazis. I mean, I guess in the 40s, like what percentage of books in the 40s had some like, we need to fight the Nazis. I would hope all of them. It's got to, it's got to penetrate. It feels like the Trump area. I'd be writing jokes about anything and I'd be thinking like,

I should like equate this to the modern state of politics and really like, take a stand and help remind people that this stuff is bad. I'm like, what am I doing? It's very pervasive. But today, we're talking about a better time in life. The mid 90s, we're talking about Baywatch, which was very literally at the time the most popular show in the planet.

It was in almost 150 countries. And I would say no one can remember a single plot line. This was just the horny background noise of the entire world for about five years. I actually have a question to establish a baseline along those lines, which was, have either of you watched Baywatch before this? So I have a really depressing answer to that. I knew, I knew what I was. You had an answer, it was gonna be sad. I watched, I watched Baywatch like a bit as a kid,

you know, it was like on in syndication on Saturday afternoon. I'm 40, I was a teenager, I was a big fan of like Pamela Anderson and of course the Asman belief and he's not in this episode we watched but that like French guy David Sharvey, he's he's later on Melrose Place. Like I like I'm straight but I'm gonna appreciate like a hot French dude as well. And so then in 2020, I'm straight, but not in France.

You do. Like he's a guy who I would be like, well, I would consider it. He, so in 2020, we were indoors. I was unemployed at the time. And we watched the Baywatch episode with Macho Man and Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair and Vader. And it was like pretty stupid, like a podcast I listened to was doing an episode about it. So I watched this episode so I could hear the OSW review,

the old school wrestling review guys talk about it. And there's also a podcast called Baywatching that was like they did like a crossover for this. And so we watched the first episode my wife and I and we were like well that's stupid, but that was kind of entertaining. Why don't we watch the Baywatch pilot? It's like a 90-minute movie. I had never seen it. And it was like pretty stupid, but it was pretty entertaining.

Matching Amic is in it. Like, she's in Twin Peaks, and a lot of the music has like a Twin Peaks vibe in it, and she's like, stabbing things. Like, the pilot is very different than the rest. I saw the clip you posted on Twitter. It was so weird. Yeah, so we were like, let's keep watching it.

And like this Baywatching podcast with Allison Pregler is very entertaining. It's not a podcast. It's like little recaps on YouTube of every episode. And so during 2020, we watched all 242. You want to go for it? So we also ended up watching all four seasons of Night Writer. What's that about? Oh, well, that's all this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's nice about those both those shows is they've been remastered. Like because David Hasselhoff was so big in Europe and obviously Baywatch was like all over. All those shows were shot on film. So they've done like a really nice remaster of it. There's also like tons of issues with it. Like the Baywatch ones, there will just be scenes missing if they didn't feel like writing a new song for it or like sometimes they don't have the original footage or they'll skip it or sometimes the footage

is like standard death of all the sudden. The best thing I want to say. Yeah, so we also watch this two, we also watch like a season and a couple episodes of Baywatch nights. That's the one where the second season they fight monsters and we could go through that. So I have seen every Baywatch episode at least once. I've now seen this one like four times and I'm like I watched it a while ago when we were

talking about doing this and then I watched it again today just for a refresher and it was a real, it was a real slog. Fantastic. So this is my cool, perfect for the question. My question to you is, was this, was this plot line that we watched for this episode representative would you say of like overall Baywatch? And if it's not the whole show, is it certain seasons? Did it start getting wild at certain parts? So, it's perception of it was as a totally mid-forgettable CSI-like,

it's just on kind of show. So this is season seven. It definitely starts to go downhill around here. You know, it's like one interesting thing about the show. There's only one episode that David Hasselhoff directed. It's the only thing he's directed in his whole career. And it is definitely the worst episode. Is it this one? The whole series. No, it's not. But there's a worst in this. There's a list of lists. There are way more worse ones than this. Yeah, that's the best one.

At this time, Hasselhoff's doing the second season of nights, which they preach. The first season, they're detectives. It's him and Gregoriel and William, who was the cop on Baywatch. And he, they're like the, tactives and I guess it wasn't working. Oh, like the show takes place during the day. They just like work above a nightclub owned by Lou Rawls called Knights.

And that lasts for about like 12 episodes and then it just becomes like, basically just like day watch plots. And then the second season, they fight monsters with literally no explanation at all. There's no mentioning like, yep, we're fighting monsters now. It's an X-Files rip off. I love the implication of that change when they don't acknowledge it because it means that monsters were always there in the Baywatch universe and we just haven't been focusing on them until now.

So as David Hasselhoff gets less involved with the show, it gets much worse. He was definitely like, he's what held Baywatch together. And so what's interesting is that this is kind of a representative plot. There'll be an A story that's usually kind of bonkers. Like, oh, this crazy secret service agent has to protect the president and it's having these wacky comic adventures. And then the B plot is like, oh, there's a missing girl, and they got to find her.

The best example is actually. We're gonna run out of letters if we try to put letters to all the plots. Yeah, this definitely went down into at least M plots, where at least M plots. Where M plots. Yeah, so the best example is that is actually the the whole Kogan, uh, not your man episode, where they, um, like the A

plot is for some reason, like muscle beach and Venice, the famous like open air gym. For some reason, that is portrayed as the old boys club and they have to wrestle Rick Flair who bought the deed to the boys club and wants to put a hotel there and they are resting for the deed like those mistakes for the deed and the like B plot is Stephanie that's the short-haired lifeguard Alexander Paul. She has cancer. So they always match together like a really a really wacky plot and something like dead serious. This for a while was the longest running show to never win an Emmy. I believe super natural past it,

but Baywatch was never even nominated for an Emmy. What the Baywatch and podcast calls it is any cancer. Like they were really trying to win an Emmy and their ideas for how to win it were like terrible. Yeah, they're worse the more seriously. They get it. They're absolutely. All right, I want to jump ahead, but there's a part that they think is serious, and that's

definitely the worst part. Oh, if you want to watch along at home, we're talking about season seven episode five. It's called scorcher because it's about a heatwave, but it's also about, I would say, 75 other things. At least. Each of them get 10 seconds. I never watched the show either. I think I watched it one time. My ex and I were friends with Tori Wilson, who

is a fitness model of the time. And she got a part on Baywatch. And we were very excited for her. So we watched the episode. And if I remember, she had like a three-word speaking role and that was it but along the way we saw what the show was and I think I was really shocked by how many music videos that were like they're always just stopping the show to just do a full four-minute music video and I was I wondered all these years like

is that a trope like do they do that every episode and apparently they do because they did it. Yeah yeah yeah. So what's great about the remastered versions is they had to do all new music. In most cases, they only paid a couple people. And so some of the music, like there's one where the original song was on too sexy. And in the like remastered version, it goes something like, I've got it going on. Then there's, you know, when Hulk Hogan was in WCW, he had like a knockoff theme. So in the Baywatch episode, there's like knockoff, knockoff theme. One of the OSW review guys says a lot of the music in the new Baywatch sounds like South Park music,

which it really does, but it's like dead serious. It's not trying to be funny. Which is the only way to ensure it's funny. So there will be scenes where they'll be showing a David Hasselhoff music video and another song will be over it because they didn't want to pay David Hasselhoff music video and another song will be over it because they didn't want to pay David Hasselhoff money for this re-laster pay watch. So that's held together. I'm using on sweat and tears. There's an episode where Richard Branson tries to break the world record for water skiing behind a virgin cola blimp and what's the world record the fucking only one time enough to do it yeah yeah a little Richard is in the episode and has several musical numbers

uh and and like they're just cut out but they're just cut out in completely random ways like little Richard will say something and get ready to start a song. And then they'll cut out of the people and be like a flawed and like, yeah, great, great song. So they really didn't put much care into this. But it does look pretty, the remastering. It's nice to watch a nice looking.

Yeah, like this, the wide-roading show. And the show are insanely beautiful. Like, like the, and they know too, like the whole intro is just like a cameraman purving on every single cast number, Pamela Anderson, was like, like kind of hot in a way that seemed like a burden. Like she wasn't just like beautiful and on TV

but she was on a billion TVs. And then I think her character was meant to be disarmingly hot. And always the sexy swimsuit. They introduced her by having her play a saxophone on a rock. Like I saw on your Twitter thread that that was, that's how they introduced CJ.

So I'm just saying like she was sexy in like a very literal and conceptual way. I remember when she was on the Chris Rock show, he straight up asked her, is anyone not trying to fuck you? He also What what was her answer? I? Think she kind of just tried to laugh it off, but like you could kind of tell like yeah

It's sort of a problem for me like I can't have a regular human relationship Yeah, you landed on the biggest problem in my life. Thank you Yeah, you think it's nice, but no, that's why I can't fucking buy my groceries Yeah, you think it's nice, but no, I can't fucking buy my groceries. He had to hit a joke. It is acting about how no matter how hot a chick is, someone is tired of fucking her. And he referenced Pam Landerson. Like, you know, Pam Landerson, someone out there is tired of fucking her. So, I guess my point is that thinking about sex with Pam Landerson was a big part of

Chris Rucks writing process and he didn't care who knew it. It's just a hobby we all had in the 90s. So I guess that's like my take on Pam La Anderson. It's just like, oh, I kind of want to like meet her and not try to fuck her. You know, just, I don't think I would. I feel like I would absolutely try, but like, but if I didn't, she'd really find that refreshing.

Yeah, like she'd go home and have a good day. Maybe she'd appreciate the effort. She's like, I like that, you didn't like, literally say home and have a good day. Maybe she'd appreciate the effort. She's like I I like that You didn't like literally say Aruga when you met me like yeah, I tried my best. Pamela She there's like a documentary about her. I think it's on Netflix and it's made with her cooperation. It's it's one of those she comes off as incredibly Likeable and a very cool person in this documentary. It might just be called Pamela.

Because no one's ever been mean to her. There's two ways I can go though. I mean, I think Tommy Lee has been mean to her. I think there are some people who have been saying this. And I guess all some people she said no to. So like everybody, you know what, I take it back. I think everyone eventually have people to say no to. So like everybody, you know what, I take it back, I think everyone eventually gets me. I want to see you meet me.

Or bear, Mike. It's slowly understanding like the psychological trials about hotness and this we work our way through this. Through this intro, because we're only at the intro. I get the popularity of this show. It's weird today. It's hard to relate to if you're very young because like media is too fragmented for a single show to ever reach a billion homes.

And I think most 20 people just tell their phone, Siri, whatever specific thing I want at this frame moment. Okay, just step on their stuff, I guess. All stepmothers, fine, Siri, you're right. I think it was definitely more popular, actually, out of America. I think in America, it was well watched, but it was sort of people just, we're really aware of it,

but maybe didn't really know anything about it, because when I was talking to people when we were watching all of Baywatch in 2020, which I could not and still cannot shut up about, the thing that people always say is like, oh, slow motion running, and it's like, yeah, that's true. But also, that's the joke from friends about Baywatch. Like, that's what people remember.

That's how it was in the zeitgeist. And then when you actually watch it, you're like, oh, this show is both poorly made. It's so poorly made in such ways that it can make it really fascinating and it's Super fast paced like it is the opposite of slow motion running if someone thinks that's the trope of the show is that It's absolutely not there's a million things happening in a million characters Yeah, this episode is emblematic of it then it may have the most things happen out of

episode is emblematic of it, then it may have the most things happen out of the show in history. Our lifeguard is is audited in this in this episode. Yeah, I think that's the white plot. Yeah, that's the white plot. Yeah, that's the white plot. But listen, I did take some else, so let's try to get through all the things that happen. It starts off fucking luck. All the things that happen. It starts a fucking walk. Yeah, good fuck. So we're all night It has a shaggy cover of the Mungo Jerry song It's and it's just shaggy as buddies lip syncing with bikini babes In a way or they sort of figured no one's really watching this like let's just go out to a swing set on the beach and fucking make a music video It's's like in a lot of ways the show seems like teletubbies for horny adults. And it's just kind of just stuff, just stuff happening that's

high contrast and interesting to, to, and to nice. So it does seem like this is part of the plot. They fake us out because Hasselhoff is talking about the reggae singers on the beach. Which he, which he calls reggae. Reggae. He calls it reggae. He calls them reggae. That was after reggae.

He did five takes of reggae. And they're like, David, it's reggae. I got it. I got it. He brought it. But we also learn the other plot. The main plot is the great Jeff Altman, funny man Jeff Altman from Thunder and Paradise.

He's playing a secret service agent and he's way too, he's like, comically serious about his job. And he wants to protect President Clinton who's gonna go for a jog later that day on this beach. This is the first fascinating thing, which is that he is, he is the A-plot, if there is an A-plot in this. Right.

And the whole bit they do with him is he's, he's the comically straight man to nobody's wacky man, to nobody, nothing. So he's just playing the most aggressive straight man you've ever seen to awkward silences and bewildered confusion because there's supposed to be something else there, but they never is. There's never anything else there. All that stuff you're saying is reasonable.

He's like, I'm going to take over the beach and make sure the president stays alive and has to off like, yeah, no, that sounds great. He's like, I'm going to go away. He's like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, sh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh that Jeff Altman, that everybody else in this cast, new Jeff Altman was going to begin this episode before they started shooting this episode, because I don't think they did. I think he showed up and somebody owed him a favor. That could be. He is in five Baywatch episodes, I believe.

As five different characters. This is a secret. Secret somebody's eye is in around for five minutes. Somebody said, come by anytime we love having you and he did. One thing that's odd about this episode is they don't say president Clinton. They just say the president like as if Bill Clinton was going to sue them. There's one him as a character. There's one way we know. I know it's not the real president.

They didn't want to date the show They did name Hasselhoff's son because he did that bit where he's like I know you six foot four two hundred thirty five pounds son named Hobie Hobie Hobie Hasselhoff You can't Hobie Hasselhoff Buchanan. I do I want to set up a motif used throughout the show with Jeff Altman. They have a little hail to the chief, sounded like musical sting, and every time he does something sort of wacky, they just kind of put a button on it with the hail to the chief. So here's a clip. That's supposed to be his wacky counterpart.

That's what he's playing against. It's a sound clip. 10-4 Tiger Shark. We will commence Operation Razorback on my mark. I'm making way for that mark. 3-1 mark. I will be usurping much of your authority during the day. I hope you won't be slided it's a matter of natural security. Thank you. Not even 930! This could be one mother of a day. All right to that turtle boat. So nobody interacted with him in that scene. Nobody said it was him.

No second take to fix the timing. It's like, hey Jeff, do we need the fucking nine beats between waiting for the mark? The rule of nine, the company rule of nine. That's fucking brilliant. The next plot, I appreciated this one, is Pam Landerson. He has me to believe, fanning the sweat off their boobs in the break room fridge.

I was like, this is the appeal of the show. Both in like past-tailed 90s in like the break room, the nutcher, that's official streetwear again. I think when your uniform is like the sexy red high-cut swimsuit, like your break room attire is like Whatever pasties in a belly dancer outfit the air conditioning is broken is that second plot and you think like okay, right We're gonna count got to get out of hot swimsuit The sea plot is Pamela Anderson is getting a root canal. So that gets introduced to the scene

And the deep plot is that no one is going to remember yes, we believe birthday. It's like on the calendar and she keeps dropping hints like, Hey, boy, what are you doing tonight? No, she even says like it's my birthday. And she's like, oh, like you're getting a root canal in my birthday. She's like, uh-huh. Because you're not seven. Like, I don't know. Right. You know what she's doing. Like we're not going to Jackie cheese or something. Now the E-plot is the biker's are rolling in. It's the summer annual barbecue.

The, what are we at? F, there's a jellyfish migration. There's a lot of jellyfish, a killer jellyfish. This is, I want to say, six minutes into the episode. Yeah. Yeah. Just not counting the Shaggy music video. I actually made it count in the Shaggy music. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's happening so fast. On a normal show, I feel like these would all be the start of something. These would all be seeds to be grown. I thought they were. I thought we were going to revisit them. There is a woman who gets stung by jellyfish later but I don't know if it's really this particular swarm of jellyfish. Is that the end of that plot? Why did my mind I think so yes. Did you get this wrapped up? I don't think the bikers come back the root canal

and the birthday do. So I mean that's like two out of seven that's pretty good. Yeah two out of seven ain't bad. Next row and all plots at the wall. And you're just put them all in the episode. I feel like this must be another trope of the show too, is that just like crises happen that are wrapped up pretty quick. Like the crisis now is jet ski bullies. Like these guys on jet skis drive in a circle around these swimmers. And they're like, oh, I'm sorry.

That's what it is. It really is. They're just jerks. They're not going to pretend to fit. And they do wrap this up later, but they cut to something else because one lifeguard's found a couple of kids, and he's really pissed about. They're unrelated.

They're not a brother and sister. One of the children's disease's Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's an important detail that I don't think will come up again. Never pays off. It's just, I mean, it might as well be silly. It's nothing make it something by being silly. I feel like they're trying to lose us. Like, are they trying to share us?

Who is it like? Yeah, I feel like that's what it is. I feel like they know no one's watching this for more than 10 seconds. And so they're just like, let's give that, those people a 10 second little show. Let's just have a, have a, have a, have a, have a, That's a little Schwarzenegger thing. That was a joke.

Like I would have been diving in and they would have just spun away and I would have eaten shit as they laughed and ran off. Like I was certain that was something. On a competent show that kid would have had DID and one of his personalities would have been our Schwarzenegger and that would have, we would have followed that kid would have had DID and one of his personalities would have been our horse nigger And that would have we would have followed that kid as he liked

Got into trouble and solved crimes with all of these different characters living inside of him and that's a show That's an A plot they watch I think we're yeah, we actually there. There is an episode where a celebrity impersonations is able to shock the lifeguards through the phone and is causing havoc. Wow. I was so excited. It would turn out he would have DID and they would all learn a very special lesson. I was positive the 90s were going to do that.

Okay. I don't remember if he had DID, he might have. I don't know if... Some of them they want to let happen. What DID is or yeah. Yeah, I think they would have called them multiple personalities or whatever. A very real thing that lots of people in real world have. There's also an episode where David House will off goes on dates with two

Sisters, but it's actually a one woman with two different personalities. Hey, here it is and The actress is and the actress is Carrie and Moss like from the matrix fucking fantastic Good job the 90s. You brought it. She got the job They're like this matrix is about the duality of reality. She's like, well, I did play two different people on one episode of Baywatch. They're like, you got the job. Did we learn a very special lesson?

You bet your goddamn ass we did. You're the key out of it. Some of the early episodes have Brian Cranston, Mariska, Hargote, David Spade. There's a couple of-moving shader went on to, to like, actual TV fame. Uh-huh. Uh, on early Baywatch episodes in like, guest-starring roles. Also, the last two episodes, or the last two seasons of Baywatch where they moved to Hawaii.

One of the stars is Jason Mamoa. One of his character's traits is that he smokes cigarettes. I don't know why they made him. They gave him that trait, but... Yeah, he's a cool Hawaiian. Yeah, I guess so. I was saying that we're, I think the J-plot, the blonde hunk is getting audited by the ares and he's too much late and like the guys like up you are chivalrous ladies like yeah buddy what's the big deal is that give me a text receipts and he has them in like a paper bag which I feel like is a reasonable place to keep a bunch of

receipts and then he drops them out on the desk and and the shows trying to play this off like it's crazy, but I'm like I feel like What what else do you speak do people like lemonade their sheets? They put them in like photo books? What the like and get it folder would be better, but a bag isn't exactly the worst seems But like what does he do that he has all these receipts. He's a lifeguard. He's a lifeguard like mates in the 90s He makes 475 an hour. Like, he gets a W2, like, or a 1099, that's it, right?

That crippling, flying, he gets spoilers, crippling, fine, he gets at the end, is like $17, and he just, right. Yeah, that goes on out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again.

Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again.

Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. Not going out again. A prototype, weaseling. Yeah. Just like this is my one chance,

my one chance to be a weasel, and I'm not gonna waste it. He's a James Spader in Manacan. He's like, oh, I can triple that. Yeah, yeah. So they cut back the Jetsky bullies, and in the passage of time, with the number of things we cover in the show,

this feels like it's been 45 minutes. Like they've just been out there, like just trying to create a fucking swirling whirlpool around these swimmers. Just like a super friends plot. Anyway, they run when they see the life cards. The life cards come out in a boat. And I guess this is a chase scene,

but like there's music in everything, but it's just like a 30 mile per hour straight line across open water with no stakes. Like if they catch these people, you're like, are they gonna teach them to be polite? Like, I mean, I get that there's a bad chance. I'm trying. Well, this is a lukewarm prank.

This is just like a weird impulse. Anyway. Right, but it's settled along those stakes as well, because how that chase ends is that he just keeps asking him, hey, stop, hey, stop. And finally, he just like, oh, all right. And he just stops. And then he hangs out.

And I know there's no stakes to anything that's ever happened. But they do split up. One guy gets off the jet boat and onto a jet ski and they chased the two bullies and he actually joked on it. That fucking jet ski that comes out. Yeah, it rules. It's like this little like mask sidecar thing. They watch have toys. That was what I've had some really bad toys, but this one would have ruled the rest of the two big tits and done nothing. I have a panel of Anderson, like Barbie, I found it at a thrift store.

So sort of. Okay. So there were some sort of toys you would think. There's a bunch of seasons where suddenly they have a bunch of different boats that they're trying out. So there must have been toys, because it felt like a Batman and Robin.

That's what they're just adding more and more vehicles to sell them in the in the toy aisle. Yeah, he comes in the this is the only sign that's in he comes the detachable jet ski and then he dive tackles a bully off of a jet ski and then they're like all right problem solved never seen again. I feel like he doesn't have the authority to physically assault a jet ski jerk. I mean, I, I agree with it. I think he should have. I'm just saying that that guy could probably tell the police and the police are like, you can't do it, buddy.

You can't, you can't just fucking run around in the water deck when people cause they're dicks. I trust me. I trust the lifeguards in this show kind of have arrest powers. There are lots of times in this episode where the lifeguard sort of just leads someone away as if they are a police officer. And the guy who jumps on the the guy who jumps on the jet ski is Michael Newman. He is an actual lifeguard. He won like the National Lifeguard Championships

one year, which is a competition. He at first was just like a background guy and like a technical advisor. He was going crazy. So actually started in the 70s. One of the work for it, one of the creators is this guy Greg Bonan, who was a lifeguard. And starting, I think in the early 70s,

wanted to get a show about lifeguards. He thought it was a lifeguard and starting, I think in the early 70s, wanted to get a show about lifeguards. He thought it was a great idea. And shockingly, he was kind of right because of how long it was on TV. But in 1978, he rescued the son of a TV executive as a lifeguard for real. And then asked him, hey, can you help me get the series I've been

trying to get made? And then 11 years later, the show started, but one of his friends or colleagues, I have a quick question. Sorry, I didn't interrupt. How many kids do you think he drowned after they said no to that question? I was going to say 11 years later, cleared the answer was not really. Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, I'll give it a shot. And so Michael Newman was one of his colleagues, Numi is what they call him on the show. He's on it for all 11 seasons, mostly in the background. Later he becomes, I think his name is in the opening credits later.

He said in interviews, he's like, well, basically they kept me around because they didn't have to hire a stunt person if I was in the scene because he get his own stuff diving. Yeah, he actually jumped onto that Jetski or guy. the most important role he had in the show is that he was David Hasselhoff's leg double. Like the book is. Yeah, I guess. For like, Runez Hasselhoff was a little, yeah, for like, like shots without,

like shots where you would just see Hasselhoff's legs, it was occasionally Michael Newman. My very first thought was like in a bath, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, holding his breath. Possibly, possibly. He's a lifeguard, he could do it. He could do it. The perfect skill set. We're back from commercial. They went out on that. They're like, boom, they arrest these guys. Look, I had so many questions.

I wrote that down like, oh no, what, what are they gonna do with these guys? We never find out. We come back from commercial. Yeah, that's the end. They left those guys to die in the sea. So we come back from commercial with no answers. And Jeff Altman is, he's like a dork,

and they're still doing this bit. And he's in a suit. He's in his full secret service costume. And the hassle office trying to explain to him that like secret service beach agents, they should be in disguise disguise like for comfort and for tactics. Like these, I don't, he'll explain that I have a clip of it, but I just want everyone to know you should never trust him in trying to get you to take your shirt off for unclear reasons.

And this is the second time we hear the uh music sting. Sir I am on duty. I am patrolling my sector. I'm guard for any kind of sabotage, reveal any. Agent Dawson, you're the only one on the beach. Wearing a dark suit and dress shoes filled with sand. We are having a heat wave. Now don't you think if there's any sabotage or villain out there, they're going to know exactly who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are?

Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are?

Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are?

Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Who you are? Keep somehow? Yeah, that's great. That's just great work. God, we're still going with plot. Okay, the next thing that happens, there's a gang has a local fisherman. They like, they're gonna jump again to the water and Jeff Altman interrupts to be like, hey, I think that might be a communist plot to assassinate the president, but I'm not gonna let that happen.

And they're just all laughing at him. Like, these guys, there's a fucking gang just charging people and making them jump into the ocean. And they're like, thinking it's funny. Anyway, these people live every day in the eye of a chaos storm. And they're just mocking this fucking asshole for taking any of it seriously. We're in the middle of 70 plotlines,

Korean-Nedic and controlled. Most of them with a high risk of drowning. And they're like, look at this door, can it dress shoes? Socontrolled. Most of them with a high-risk adrounding. And they're like, oh, look at this, Dorken is dressed shoes. So I hope it was the really- The question of ocean by a rap agent. Yeah, what the fuck? It's the closest thing they have to a plot. You think they would be just grabbing onto it

like a life preserver and hoping not to die in the sea of what is happening in this episode. And he's giving them like, I'm the A-plot. Hey, hey over here, look the A-plot. I have to fuck you. I feel you're not. They talk about the fisherman later. I feel like they mention him, but again,

like that doesn't get wrapped up. They don't take out the gang or anything. Jeff, he's like, this is too much stuff. We gotta clear the beach. And I just want to- Wait, I know you skipped the kid who crashed his hang glider into somebody's pool because he was looking at them naked. Thought that was gonna be a plot one too.

You're right! Yep. But that was the one in there. I don't even have that in my notes. There really was a lot in this episode. Yeah. There is another music scene here. Let's hit it.

You want me to tell 200,000 people to go home that the beach is closed. Let me tell you something, my friend. Any one of these 200,000 people here could be a potential terrorist. Need I remind you, our president is going to be jogging on this beach at 16, 30 hours. You want a lot of television, don't you? That's a half slam! Got a little fuck in that one. You've walked up long. I like how he reads all of his lines like he's reading a children at a library. Like that's his sort of delivery.

Like, don't you think that maybe you shouldn't be wearing a suit to trick the terrorists? I don't know. This seems complete. His guess here that that that this beach contains 200,000 people in just his jurisdiction with his lifeguards seems like the maddest thing I've ever heard. There's no possible way that could ever even buy orders of baggage. Like there might be 11,000 people there and that would be insane. But like, what is a beach contained? 200,000 people? Like are you personally guessing David Hasselhoff?

It's like, it's somebody who's never been to a beach before. You're right, that number is off by probably 199,800. It's madness to insist that and nobody questions it. Right. We got a root canal. CJ is there. I don't like that the hottest girl in the world is drugged and alone with this dentist. But luckily she escapes.

But she's filled with Novakaine and obviously this pays off because she can't talk. When I say pays off, they do a couple of bits later that would have been exactly the same as she could talk. A couple of people say, what? But then normal things happen after that. She's like, blah, blah, blah. They're like, okay, I give it your saying. And then they do that.

Well, it has no consequences related to the main thing that's happening. Like something should ever happen. Somebody should have misunderstood her or thought she was a lost cave woman or something but no there was never any misunderstandings they were just like something like it's going on with your mouth. I'm sorry about that. Oh I love it if she got like captured by anthropologists like we found a caveman. Sex caveman. This was the 90s that would have played. Yep I would have totally bought that. It would have been in Seattle. My wife walked in while I was watching this episode.

And like the first thing you said was like, a Jeff Almond episode, this one sucks. She noticed that CJ, panel Anderson, had Whipliner on for the dentist, which I found very interesting. I love watching. She put on for the dentist, which I found very in music. I love watching. She put on all of the makeup. Yeah, that's so funny. I never would have noticed that. I didn't notice that. I watched it noticing things that didn't

notice it. So she finds a kid, the kid gets lost among like the most beautiful bikini extras in TV history. It totally took me out of the story because I thought about like the creep kid, the kid gets lost among like the most beautiful bikini extras in TV history. It totally took me out of the story because I thought about like the creep show, the casting for the show must have been like they had to have gone through so many hundreds of bikini models every single day to cast the show. And I just don't see how you like regulate an industry like that. Like that has just got to be all self-selected creeps. industry like that. Like that has just got to be all self-selected creeps. So there's a Baywatch eTrue Hollywood story.

If you like Google it, it's on, it's not on YouTube, but it's on one of the less reputable video sites on Vimeo or Daily Motion or something. And the two casting directors say, I think proudly it seems, that they say that they're responsible for more than half of the eating disorders in Hollywood.

That's it. They also put a, like on the show, they put pictures of Yasmin Bleefe at catering with signs that said, do not feed this woman, because they were always honored for her way. And like, she actually did. Beautiful, yes, yes, mean, Bleefe.

Yeah, yeah, like, could not be hotter. And like, it's, yeah. So yes, you were right. The casting on this show is like the like creepiest thing in the world. The people who said they gave the people eating disorders are women. They are not men. So the creepy casting was of all genders. Okay, good for them. thing was of all genders. Okay, good for them. Every time we have to pause for a second and you say, so I know some fucking crazy is gonna happen. We have more plot because CJ helps this kid, he's like, what the fuck are you talking about? She's on Marshmoth with the nerve-kate. And now there's a bunch of

frat guys watching the volleyball babes and there's like a beach bag band that stealing everybody's wallets while they're doing that. Still interesting. There's a lot. Yeah, there's still shitting. They're not even close to done with the new plots. I know, but they add amazing. They add a weird twist to one of our old plots here

because the rookie has the two kids and the boy needs to pee and he's like calling in the basis like guys One of these fucking kids has to go pee. What am I supposed to do with the girl while he's pee? But he's like ten like he can fucking go use the potty I didn't get the fucking guide book out. What do you do when you have? Two genders of children who need to pee? And you need to watch the other side of the radio says take him to the ocean just kidding, but like yeah Yeah, there's a ton of people if there's 200,000 people out here. That's pure urine at that point It's like find a jelly thing

Turn it to sit it enough to kill all the jelly fish and we wrapped up two plots at one. Jeff is there. He's still got his black socks and dress shoes on, but now he has a camp counselor costume on instead of the Seekin' Service suit. This is like a comedy beat. That's why I'm telling you about it because it's obviously very funny. There's a big crowd watching the woman crown I feel like I feel like a woman giving birth on the beach is the only role they have for non-Makini models like so

But honestly, this is so like I don't even need to bring it up It's just a woman having a baby on the beach. I only brought it up because Jeff Altman has a space right in it And then he faints and they do the fourth Altman music scene. Keep breathing. Whoa! So, already crowning, huh? Back to the get a tan. Okay, on three I want you to push. One, two, three, push! Come on, keep pushing. One, two, three, push. Oh, come on. Come on.

No, almost out. Oh, he's coming. He's coming. Push, push. No! He's almost here. I mean, she's here. You got yourself a little girl.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Just here. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Jeff Altman once again nailing that comedy nine beat. Just 45 seconds after the baby's been delivered. Not like whole scene, it reminds me of the baby scene in blank man. It's like 40 seconds long. It is the quickest birth that has ever happened. It is TV magic, but this is about how fast my second baby was.

Like we induced labor and the delivery doctors like, okay, cool. I'm gonna head over there. I'm 10 minutes away. So once the baby's 10 minutes out, you know, give me a shout. And we had the baby five minutes later, and she didn't make it.

So we had like all these other people that weren't the delivery doctor But anyway, it worked. We had a baby So so you basically had the experience of this woman on the beach like exactly yeah, Hasselopp was there He was like you're doing great And he said that a second time and then we had a baby Who played the musical thing for you if the delivery doctor was in there. Well, Jeff Altman was there, so we let him take it.

You don't want to compete. Speaking of heads emerging, there's a new plot, I can't run some, and he tells you guys, we believe that you're a fucking human head and a trash can. And you're thinking, okay, there's a lot of fake outs in the show you're like, this is a prank. But there is a human head in a trash can in the fake out

is it is just a hobo. In a trash can. Now I worry, I worry, people are picturing when you say that that he's like laying in a dumpster or something. No, he's stuffed in like a normal trash can in which you would throw away like a soda by the beach, perfectly normal sized, if a little bit small trash can,

he has curled himself up into a ball and thrown himself away. And then he is covered, and then he is covered in garbage. There's no cover on this. The cover is open, so multiple people walked by him and threw their garbage on him and walked away for him to be covered in garbage. The way you'd have to like, you're the skin off your back, standing in front of this idea.

Yeah, it's, it's like my nightmare to get trapped in a garbage can like that. There's a lot of, there's a lot of product placement in this show and there's famous Amos and Gatorade in the trash with him. Like, I'm sure they were very happy with the money that they had spent on their product placement. It was a real clear shot. The guy positioning the labels just so on the homeless man. Who fucking thinks that's, they thought that's how homeless people lived?

Like, well, when we don't see them, they're busy stuffing themselves into trash cans. That's where they live that's how homeless people lived. Like, well, when we don't see them, they're busy stuffing themselves into trash cans. That's where they live. That's their homes. They filled on the beach in Southern California. Like, surely they've encountered someone living on the beach before. I promise you, there are homeless people in these shots.

How did they get it so wrong? Like, I don't know. It's such an insane decision. I just can't stress that stuff. They do say hi to Yasmin Belief. He goes, morning, she says morning, commercial break. That's how we meet. And it comes back.

God, what do we have? A kid getting rescued from drowning. They just like yada yada that. Like we catch that at the tail end of it. There's a couple covered in second-degree sunburns that's that's just don't get distracted by that. We're now back at the IRS audit crisis because sunblock is not covered as a vocational expense for lifeguards which seems an insane detail to just make it. It's almost certainly is. Yes, it would likely be the only one, but it would be.

Yeah, you've got panties and a fucking sunblock. Those are the two things you wear to work. I feel like you can write those off. Yes, me and Bleeve is helping the mentally ill trash man. He is now taking a shower outside surrounded by children. Fully naked. I want to be clear, he's fully naked. She thinks this is cute.

There's a fucking trash can pervert And she's like let me let me nurse you like a baby bird. Oh no everybody everybody thinks this is cute They are they're like three feet away from him. There was a crowd around just like Yes, watching him clean his dong and they're having the best time I've ever seen like that crowd It's done. That's it. Good fucking time There's a dong water on these on look. First on these children. Yes. On these. I didn't want to say all that in the same sentence.

Well, well, okay, fix that in Italy. So now there's a joy writer on the beach. Like he's in a, he's not asked in Martin, I think. Yeah, that's like a fancy car. Yeah, like with a steering wheel on the wrong side, he's in a, he's in a Aston Martin, I think. Yeah, that's like a fancy car. Yeah, like with a steering wheel on the wrong side, he'd be like, imported this car. And he's just cruising along the beach, try to run people over.

Like no hands, top speed, just squealing. Like, wee he, I'm in a car. Wee he, like he's never been in a fucking car. He's still sitting out in the ocean. CJ, um, ditches the show's fourth-lust kid, and she pulls this maniac from the car. And he's like, we he why? Like, he's absolutely lost his mind in a way no one has.

He's not a pervert or on drugs. In fact, when the most beautiful man in the world pulls him out of the car, he's just like, oh, come on, cop, not like, oh, hey, yeah, I'm obviously an unhinged maniac. I'm gonna turn this into a weird sex assault thing. No, it was just, I respect your authority. Yeah.

How did this not intersect with the Jeff Altman? Right. Right. This is what he's there for. There's so many, there's so many of like these plots that could have intersected and I kept thinking like All right, this is gonna dive back into finally give Jeff Altman a bit to riff off of Instead of having him stand alone and play a straight man to nothing, but no They refuse

They resolved completely like miles away from him. He never even knows about them. Do you guys have any notes what happens after this? Carmaniac I have the lost brat eating Neely's sandwich. No, we got a couple things before that. Oh There's a fucking outhouse fire It was impossible to take notes on this you can't do that. I had to pause a lot. But juke, but then yes, the lost kid has locked himself in the lifeguard booth and he's eating everybody's lunches. The trash hobos now just wanted you to the seat to die. All right, we need to like slow down

and discuss how that scene actually unfolds because we cut to him in the water, fully clothed, dog paddling, apparently miles and miles and miles out to sea because there's nothing around. And yes, being bleathed like paddles up to him on her medical surfboard, I don't know what to call that fuck a thing. She swims out to him and says, what should do in?

What? That's a thing, that's a thing. She swims out to him and says, what you doing? That's how you like to say. To be clear audience, she knows this man came out here to die. Like this is her. I'm pausing because I was sure you would have a clip. Oh, no, I did not take any clips of anything other than the music scene. I'm glad I have the rest of the notes because she says, what you doing? And he says

Swimming to heaven. She says well, that's a long swim and he says to be perfectly clear. It's not so bad one way Just let let me die. Yes, we believe yeah Yeah, I don't even have a name. They call me fella. I think that's my name. I live in garbage, like choice. And this is, it seems like I'm making a joke. I'm only paraphrasing her mama because what she says next is, you live in trash cans.

You take showers on the beach and you know what? I feel sorry for myself because everyone forgot my birthday. You can't give up, fella. What part of that means he can't give up? Cause you just added more sentence. Yeah, just, oh, fuck, it's so weird.

Yeah, when she started listing things, I thought, oh, here's, she's like, you got it, I'll figure it out. You take showers on the beach, you live in trash cans. You, I wish we could all take a page from him. Then when she says, I feel sorry for myself, you think she's gonna contrast, but then she's like, no, that's just what I do. I'm making it about me and I'm a piece of shit for that. I'm learning a lot from you. Scootin' did be dead, Holo. I love this so much. It's so fucking weird. And you can tell whoever wrote it,

like thought they were like putting something really positive into the world. Like, yeah. I thought you were making a difference, but what do you think homeless people are? Like, where do you think they are? Do you, do you think we literally, did somebody tell you where people,

there are people we've thrown away? And you're like, oh, I get it. I don't have any further questions. I understand this. Like trash. Like trash. Anyway, she says, he says, why didn't you let me drown in a weirdly cheerful way? And she says, because I happen to think your life is worth saving. Besides, you can't die on my birthday. You can't die on my birthday. You're not fucking allowed. It's my birthday.

This really broke my brain. And then it didn't help that we came back to like a bride and a groom and a priest completely soaked and they look like really sad like they're being scolded because Hasselhoff had to break up their underwater wedding because they didn't like it the proper permits. He has this long speech about like, oh, it's fucking unregulated, fucking underwater wedding. And the secret service, all this have a dog camera, but Jeff Altman apparently saw the

full wedding on the ocean floor and decided it was a terrorist attack to kill the president arriving many hours later. And so that's what we're dealing with. Like we just go from this fucking insane, like suicide talk down to this. And I believe we're on number five of the musical stings. But they could have been terrorists and underwater attack.

The beach is covered, I was just offering help. Don't. I'm operating in razor back as your business. And I'll help you because he is my president and this is my country and you ask me to. offering help. Don't. I'm operating in Razor back as your business. And I'll help you because he is my president and this is my country and you ask me to. But for now on Operation Life Gardens over on my mark, 3, 2, 1, mark.

You're sad, I'm afraid. Watch your doctor, devilhead. I'm not your doctor, that's all head. Boom. Boom. Fucking great. We do the music video now. We just totally work there. Just fist fucking mayonnaise the whole time right into the microphone.

Let's play the main makeshift. So we now cut to music video, just a vibe on a swimsuit montage. It's outrageous how much time they burn on music videos since there's 80 characters who are still in mortal danger. 400 and also plotlines that we've never visited again. Here's what's great is that the plotlines get, one of them gets wrapped up in the musical montage because the backpack band it's back there and he gets busted by the middle-aged talk,

what's his name again? The new me. New me. New me. He puts him in like a million dollar dream with his rescue float. It's kind of an awesome like lifeguard chokehold. I really liked it.

The second long lifeguard. To wrap back up, this is the least dire possible one. Not the jellyfish, not the nude hobo. With the death wish. With the death wish. Like our party. Just like let's let's really we've really opened a seal on this this minor theft bandit So fucking crazy so the second blood lifeguard finds a ginger family and She's like this fucking ginger mom has way too many kids. You know what? I bet she's the mother of that fucking redhead kid we found if this is not a little racist this feels a little racist This feels racist absolutely You said there was a hundred thousand people on this beach and you found

Like a family with a with one two way with like three submitted kids and some of them are redheads and you're like I know where you belong Yeah, you're right But she is right. She's like hey lady. How many kids you have she's like eight and then she still doesn't get it and She's like okay, do you kids do you have? She's like eight, and then she still doesn't get it. And she's like, okay, do you have them all here? And she's like, yeah, they're all, oh no. Where's Mikey? Yeah, she started with 10, you know she did.

Yeah, she always tells lifeguards like three or four under the number of kids, because she's always missing several. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, we're finally to the president. We're fighting to the A plot. We, uh, it's big, dramatic music, but definitely not hailed to the chief.

They, the cut to the president of jogging is just an amazingly mean spirited look alike. They stuffed a pillow and down the shirt and a sweatpants and some dude. And he's like, all Bill Clinton, all an untrowned actor, not employed as Bill Clinton, look like, do a Phil Hartman, Bill Clinton, all but untrained actor, not employed as Bill Clinton look like, do it Phil Hartman, Bill Clinton impersonation, it's just it's fucking so half

asked. His t-shirt has a saxophone on it. Yes, so good. Just so lazy, but also like very straight. It's like, like you said it was the president, you don't need to put like a saxophone on it, especially because this was the Bill Clinton was the president when this episode came out if you say the president yeah, you don't need to People to be like oh, it's that president. It's I think it's a great shirt because imagine

Imagine the actual president wearing that like I mean like saxophone you I mean like saxophone. You know me like saxophone. What's a good saxophone? Why are you wearing that? I like rock climbing. So they put a little rock on the shirt. It doesn't say anything. It's really just a picture of a saxophone.

It's just a picture of a saxophone. They also Mitch is running with him and they don't explain how that happened. Right. They're needed to be a scene where Jeff Altman gets, he's about to run with the president and then Mitch steps in for him or something. But I really liked what Hasselhoff said

to Clinton in this scene. You're running with the president. You get to ask him one question. You can scream at him for his policies. You could say you're, you know, you really like him. And Mitch says, so they have beaches like this up in Washington? Like, no, man, don't you go.

I need to get about Washington DC. No, there's no beaches like in Southern California. He is the beach expert asking a probably not beach expert about beaches. I don't know. It's. I think it's writing. It's actually a sex photo. Yeah, you like sex. I mean, like what would you like to talk to the president about? I don't know. Probably beaches, right? Never resuscitate anyone in the White House.

Never pull anyone out of the ocean at work and bring it back to life with your mouth. It involved with writing this episode, ever been outside. Like, there's some sort of, like, they're clearly very privileged in their understanding of the world, but I suspect they may have been like raised in a locked pool house by maids or something because they don't understand anything about the world or how it functions on even the most basic level. It's incredible. Well, all these things are happening. An old guy with a metal detector finds a bomb and Jeff Altman demands to be taken to it. And so the bomb is like sort of a thermosize thing.

It looks like it has like the die hard three chemicals in it. And I feel like this would have to be just the most fucking impossibly powerful bomb to be worried about it. If it's 9,000 yards away from its target, there's like no fragmented device on it. Well, when he says, when he finds out what's what's going on, he says there's there's no time to change like anything. He has to go to the bomb. So they're treating, they're

treating the threat like the jogging president cannot be stopped. Like he's an out of control train. You have to destroy any obstacle in his path because what he could do right here once you hear that It's used the same walkie-talkie. You just received that news on To radio the 700 people you just showed jogging with the president and say hey, it's bomb there Maybe you should turn around and move or something, but he's like no, no, no, what's he's what's he starts? He cannot be stopped No, listen to the fault. When I start running in the line. I do not stop running until this saxophone on my shirt turns into a little bed for a nap. I know that it's great for... I met a little burger just like a hungry.

That's Bill Clinton canon now. I'm sure this is like a fun little vagina stuff. Sean, you're right. Like the bomb would have to be absurdly powerful. It would be the, like that would be a new A-plot, is that someone has invented the world's most powerful non-nuclear bomb. Or maybe it's a nuclear bomb. I don't know. I realize that asking for logic in this show where like a man lives in one of those like flaming barrels from a from a Rocky montage run. But if the bomb were that powerful,

diving on it would do nothing. Like he absolutely would. Yeah. So Jeff does dive on it. And we also established really, really sell before we get to the diving sequence. What this bomb is, because you've said it, it looks like it's filled with diard chemicals. They show it very clearly. They show this very clearly. It is a clear plastic tube about like 16 inches long.

It's full of just just diodes, just like open circuitry and like some weird liquids. That's, it's very clear what it is. You could not mistake it. Like, it's not a three bomb. For sure. So like, it didn't even occur to me that like, oh, this is like something that's not a bomb,

but looks like a bomb. It looks like nothing other than a bomb. And, and so I was actually writing down how, like how big would have to be and how there's no, something that's not a bomb it looks like a bomb it looks like nothing other than a bomb and and so i was actually writing down how like how big would have to be in how there's no there's no fragmenting element to it like it's not going to it it's stupid right and just as i was typing that

jiff altman jumps onto it and i'm like well of what now fucking to throw a bone splinter might kill the president you just like that uh... but then a kid comes over and he says, hey, that's my intergalactic warrior. Was that what he said? That's fucking crazy, right? That's what he said.

That's what he said. And then, and then when the scene is over, they show that kid just to be clear, holding the tube and going like dancing around like it's a guy and going, raw, raw, raw. It's a fucking tube full of chemicals. It's a guy going, raw, raw, raw. It's a fucking two full of chemicals. It's a two.

It's not, it's just found this like mutagen syrup. He's like gonna go make some new journals later, but like he, he tells Altman, you broke it, you big jerk. And he's like, you big jerk. You know, he tells him like twice more. But maybe he's the fucking jerk, played with an empty Plexiglass too. He's a play episode for Jack.

With a bomb, a terrorist gave him a bomb and said, this is called intergalactic warrior and he fights the mechs Lars from planet Zorn. He's like a trapezole. In the world is to be near a running president. It's a force like I can't believe that worked. I've been doing that every day for three years. He's all embarrassed because he's like never foiled a presidential assassination. So he's like, I just most just stand around. Well, presidents have meetings like a big dummy. But like that describes every single secret service agent that's ever been mostly.

Yeah. That means you're doing a good job, by the way. That means you're doing a really good job when nothing happens to the president. Like, you can't, nobody's going to sympathize with your failure of being like, nobody killed the president today. Yeah. It's so weird. Again, written by someone who just hasn't given a second thought to anything, all of these

plots that we've mentioned are not being wrapped up. He's trying to give his little camp counselor costume back to David Hasselhoff. He's like, then you should keep it as a souvenir. So that's the conflict here. This guy thinks he did a bad job because he jumped on a bomb to protect the president. It turned out to not be really a bomb. But anyway, one more musical sting. Hey, you know, I got a nephew. Maybe I could use these after all. I'll see you. Give me the tiny shorts.

Okay, tell me, tell your nephew when he wears those, not to wear black shoes and socks. That's a Roger Wilcole Pell. Roger. It made it stumbled, it fell down. I liked the upbeat version at the end. Yeah, it really got its groove back. Right, right. And the DVD extras, one producer says, I like to think of Venice Beach as one of the characters

that show another guy, you know what I'm saying? I think of the hail to the chief musicals. You're right, it was the best character we wrote for that episode. It's the only one that saw any kind of conclusion. You're absolutely right. I'd like to change my answer to his answer. There's a problematic part here at the end. All of the endings that they wrap up are really fucked up. But the first one is Tracy Bingham. She's been helping a little lost girl all episode. And we didn't mention this, but the little girl's kind of been looking at her

weird. And so it's weird that she only got the one thing because all the other characters got 11 things. But there's actually two things going on because the little girl's dad finds her, she's like, oh, good, you found my daughter. And the little girl confesses to him. She only got lost so she could spend time with Tracy Bingham. Now, I'm thinking this is because she wants her single dad

to ask her out. But the daughter wanted to spend time with her because she saw her rescue a kid from the ocean and realized that she could grow up to be a lifeguard if she wanted to be. Now no one has mentioned that these people are black and it's not mentioned in the show. It's just like you have to have internalized racism to even understand what this scene is saying. It's that she saw an adult black woman and said, oh wow, she can be a lifeguard,

just like me, a young black girl could grow up to be. And I'm just kind of wrestling with that. Like the only way you could take inspiration from this is if you're racist, and that's fucking weird in a way and then the man kisses her hand in just a slobbery weird way and leaves and this was also weird to me because I don't think anyone walks away from Tracy Bingham without giving it a shot right like you're like before I go sex no all right no okay bye yeah I had to try man okay this was 1996 too we No, sex? No. All right.

No, okay, bye. I had to try, man. Okay, this was 1996 too. We were not, it wasn't great, but we were not living under segregation, like, for several decades. Right. Also, I'm a sports writer. I knew who that dude was.

It was Willie Galt, former Chicago Bears wide receiver. He's in tech mobile. I was his role. That was a, he was, he was held at the fucking world record in the four by 100 meter dash. Like he ran the second leg. Carl Lewis ran the anchor. Like it was a. So he had a shot. He wasn't just some random guy. He could have. Man, he blew it.

I also googled him when I saw, I was like, that guy looks familiar. And then I was like, oh, really? I don't think he might be done, but he holds the world record for 45 plus 50 plus and 55 plus 100 meter dash. Well, he ran, he ran a 30, he ran an 11.3 second 100 meters when he was 55 years old. So that went wrong. Like that, that, that hitting on scenario, Tracy Bingham, he could have just booked ass before the embarrassed minimum started. Like he could have been gone.

Give it a shot. And then you got nothing to lose. The other plot line they wrap up, the hobo's all cleaned up and he's like wearing regular clothes. He's not nude and covered in trash. He's stopping by to thank Yasmeer. She's like, who the fuck are you?

What? You're the hobo from earlier? He looks exactly like that. He's got in a haircut, which means she almost all the trash. Even when he was in the ocean, she's like, all I see is those famous Amos rappers you fucking violate. She said, recognize his face because all she saw him was originally was a head in a garbage container.

There was nothing of carrying his face. And there's nothing changed about his face now. She's just like, I didn't recognize you outside of a garbage can or not trying to die like without that context. I don't know what you are. She, thanks for reminding him what hope is really all about. He gives her, like he whittled her a wooden sea lion. And then he kisses her cheek.

This is weird. I think women, probably especially hot women don't think it's a precious gift. like he whittled or a wooden sea lion. And then he kisses her cheek. This is weird. I think women, probably especially hot women, don't think it's a precious gift when strange men put their mouth on them. Ha ha ha. So the day's over, right? Nope, there's a boat fire.

Six or seven victims, we gotta go. And again, like rescue workers like to do, this is all a fake out. Ha ha, yes, me and Bleat. There's no fucking boat fire you dumb idiot It's a surprise they say they were kids Involved they were like there are children burning in this boat. You've got to go and then the happy birthday We got you she is fully panicked. They show her a few times like and they gave her the take You're you're super scared about what's happened into those kids in the ocean because she's going like and the next

I don't see him? What do I see him? Next time a child is really burning to death, there's a non-zero chance she thinks they're fucking with it. Oh, it's my birthday again. I just got so busy I forgot. So, to be clear, both of those women got kissed by strangers.

So the episode ends with only two of the 58 plots getting wrapped up. Nope. He forgot about the audited lifeguard. The audited lifeguard. Oh, it didn't get wrapped up. Well, does pay off. The art closes when he finishes getting audited and it sucked.

Yep. That's what happens. He's got a big sign. He complains that he won't be able to do anything for many years because he's going to be out of money. There was no twist. He got a big fine. He complains that he won't be able to do anything for many years because he's going to be out of money. There was no twist. He got audited. It continued to be audited and then was finished being audited and didn't enjoy it. That was what happened.

That was what we spent screen time on. I just squeezed that in. I like the idea of going to a Baywatch writer and saying, Hey, we want to flesh out a couple of these things. Are there any of these that we can cut and them saying no? Like, no, we need the fucking potting? I know, I know, I know. I know.

But, oh, back to what I was saying, it ended with Tracy Bingham and Yasmey Bleefe getting deceived, molested, molested, and deceived in that order, and that's the end. What percentage of the plot lines would you say we wrapped up? I would say 13% perhaps? Yeah, I feel like it's 10-ish 15.

Yeah. I think several gangs are still on the beach, some of them on. There's the Jazz Brothers' Club. There's a real world motorcycle club. The Jetsky guys are like in custody. I guess they don't have a jail here. So they had to, there's a plot we didn't see where they have these guys with like a local sheriff's department.

They're like, look, these guys were being dicks. And that guy fucking tackled me into the ocean. Did you really do that, sir? Yeah, because he was a dick. Okay, I think you're under arrest. Jetsky believes you're free to go. Well, so while all of this was happening, at least 7,000 of these 200,000 people died

from the jellyfish swarm that was clearly the best for a lot of dead and was never mentioned again. That one tourist couple is absolutely dead from those sunburns. That's close to everything, right? The homeless definitely lost his mind again. Like it's not like his mental health's in a better state just because he fucking wipes him A&W rappers out. Yeah, nothing changed for him. Absolutely nothing in his scenario change except for he was like, I have hope now. It's your home still the trash. It is. Okay. Okay, I think the hope is gonna be fleeting, pal. I kissed a beautiful woman. Her face is gonna be fleeting pal. I kissed a beautiful woman.

Her face is gonna melt off cheek first. The darkness inside me, you can't be traded with medicine. I'm saying hooter Frankfurt. I'm saying hooter Frankfurt. It's a podcast now. Put me back to my lame job. Dog Frankfurt podcast. Connectundeck, Ja!

Die Kraft ist ne Tratt ist ne Tune, Schick die in der Hundezung, Dioh an der Stunde, Kupchon, Du Kits in der Wab! I'm not Hunder! I'm not Hunder, Frankfurt! I'm not Hunder, Frankfurt! I'm not Hunder! I'm not Hunder, Frankfurt! It's the 9000th annual monster dog rally supreme the only monster truck rally where the trucks are also huge angry men and also hot dogs. Plus at least one other thing. Maybe more, always more. All your favourites are here.

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