The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 135, Baywatch Nights with Mark Mahoney

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

This is exactly like last week's podcast about Baywatch, except the roles of Seanbaby and Brockway have been replaced by lesser known actors, guest Mark Mahoney is a ghost, they all fight monsters now, and we've added the word NIGHTS to it.

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Welcome to the Dogs at 1,000, the 1,900 Hot Dog Podcast. We are the last comedy website. Go to our Patreon, it's How We Make Money, and it's the only ethical way left. Patreon.com slash 1,900 Hot Dog, dial in for laughs. I'm TV Sean Baby from the internet, my co-host, a sexbeard.com's runner up

for the winner dream date with Chuck the Iceman LaDale sweepstakes, the great Robert Brockway. Always a Chuck LaDale bridesmaid, never a Chuck LaDale bride story of my life. Here's a Brockway fact. Twice now I have successfully pitched spin-offs of existing properties that have instantly, completely destroyed the entire company that I pitched them to. Twice.

No follow-up questions. I wouldn't have any. I'm returning guests. You might remember from Web, one point owes the ultimate bad candy website. He's my long time pal. Bad candy, Mark Mahoney. Welcome back. Living truth that anybody can be on a podcast.

It's true. I didn't. Tony, welcome back. Living proof that anybody can be on a podcast. It's true. I didn't, didn't the first time he specifically asked you not to mention that. At least Tony introduced me like that. That's right. That's right. Last time we talked about you, people in the discord remembered bad candy.

Like it's people have a longer memory than we give them credit for. Yeah. Yeah, fun. And I've actually talk to people in there about it? You know, if not fondly, at least with forgiveness. They take care of the event. It's, you know, I don't, I'm not embarrassed of it, but it's like also, I just feel it was a Geocity's website, man.

Like, but yeah, I mean, you've calculated it. It's actually a memory. Yeah. Wild West. I was a fortune city website. But yeah, I mean, you can't do anything. It's hard to explain. It's hard to explain. Yeah, Wild West. I was a Fortune City website. And look at me now, my own podcast. I was a live journal.

Different, different generations. I've never gotten over it. I have in my notes. I wanted to banter about something. Are you guys playing Remnant 2? I haven't started yet. No, I don't even know. No, I don't even know that. Oh, fuck, you'd love it so hard.

So it's a lost soul's kind of clone, but with guns. And the first one was just like super good, but kind of had sort of a generic design sensibility. Like people would look at this game and be like, oh yeah, that's Dark Souls with guns, I'm not very interested. But it was like weirdly amazing. The second game, they have a budget, and they put together this fucking perfect video game. So it's like post-apocalyptic.

There's a lot of weird mysteries. I don't want to spoil anything. But it's randomly generated like worlds. And so it's kind of hard to just go on the internet and like Map shit out. So it's like you're sort of forced to solve all these mysteries on your own. It's like this this perfect modern video game that like How do I explain it? You know when you like Ask somebody to do a destiny boss with you and like you say okay You got to go watch this 90 minute YouTube video and then they come, you got to do it like a pro or 11 or 12 times and it just fucking sucks. The bosses in this game are twice as interesting as the Destiny bosses, but also like pretty intuitive.

So like once you look at them, once you're like, okay, I got it. Everyone has some ideas and so it's just really fun games to discover. So if you haven't played Remnant 2, just jump in and start fucking around. It's also unlike Destiny, it's kind of easy. Like, I don't want anyone to get turned up by the Dark Souls thing. It's like, basically, you have a dive role and that is sort of what links it to that other game. And like, sort of the weirdness of it. Anyway, I can't say enough nice things about it. The vibes of it were strange. Like what little I've seen, I was like,

this has a strange distant appeal. And then the guns, I like, I'm always a sucker for a shooter. Yeah. I'm looking for a destiny replacement, sure, because I'm watching the fuck out of destiny. Yeah, nobody's playing that anymore. I haven't, I stopped sometime mid-last season and I don't know what it was,

but just like somebody cut the cord inside of me. I just had like no like interest in ever going back. I heard that. There was the fishing mini game now. I thought somebody was making a joke. And then I saw a new story. It was like, what the fuck? That's really what we're doing.

It's tied to some kind of important exotic quest line where you have to fish in how we're flushing ourselves. Absolutely. Fuck yourself, Destiny. We're actually going to play... I'm going to do some shot or a little jump it. So it's I go the dolphin now too. I'm so glad we do a destiny talk again. We have a lot of audience immediately in a while. It has been a few weeks since you brought it up though. I'm impressed.

Yeah, it's been. I don't think about I was playing Diablo, but they kept every time they do a patch on Diablo, they make the game just like 4% less pleasant. And I don't think this is a unique opinion. Like most people are like, oh, this, all of this sucks. This is all bad news. And it sounds like you can't play any more. Like you can't.

I think that's why I brought up now. Like remnants easy. It's like, I feel like Blizzard and Bunchie have this design philosophy where the only people they talk to are the top 1% of the players. And so they're like, how's the new raid? They're like, oh, it's too easy. And then they say, okay, cool, we'll make it harder.

And then they've made this game that I would say 40% of the content, no one will ever see just because like, you're just not going to get through it. I mean, I've been on raids with you, Brockway, where I'm like, oh, look at this fucking this fucking jumping puzzle guys go get a cup of coffee. I got fucking We've set we've set a top of bail a mile away and just laughed as this little pixel falls to its death Yeah over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over I'm like, pretty fucking good at video games. So sometimes when I'm playing Destiny, I'm like, who is this for? This first person, first person, platforming puzzle.

Yeah. You're telling me that's a bad idea. You want me to jump on that? Yeah. Did you guys play Destiny? I guess it was around the era of the Forsaken expansion when they had the whisper of the worm secret mission. Yeah.

It was 100% just fucked up level geometry and there was like a 20 minute timer to finish the level. And if you missed it, you'd sit around and wait for it to come back again. That's how I got good at jumping puzzles was bashing my head against that. I kind of like I kind of loved that. I don't know why. I missed that. I wish you could bring it back just to show Sean so that he could have some sort of rage aneurysm. It's not only a jumping puzzle, but everything's like fucking diagonal in a way that you can't see until you bounced off it to your death. It's literally the first 10 minutes just trying to push you off of the edge of everything. It's infuriating. I would hate it so much. The worst. You would. It's really terrible. Anyway, I'll get to remnant too when I'm finished with Zelda,

which will be 2025. I think. Yeah, Zelda's too much. It's so much fun. 200 hours of toy, 500 hours of game. I just quit. Once I saw like the scale of it, I'm like, no, I just don't have time for this. I got a new baby. I wish I'd done out. Yeah, I can't stand still in by that game with a newborn. That's that's too much. Yeah. No, I'm a remnant to man. You can play remnant to 15 minutes and see mysteries beyond reason. it to me. You can play around it to 15 minutes and see mysteries beyond reason. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. But I've got the brain poison. So I have to finish this. Okay. I finished it. It is great. It's great. The ending is really good. That that there's an ending.

Yeah. Yeah. When you choose to and that was the thing, I was like, I realized I was about to finish it. And I set one of those movable travel points and just left for like 20 something more hours. And it wasn't if I was just like, I had one day where I was like, I don't know, I was trying to kill something and I was like, realize like, I'm not having as much fun right now. I'm just gonna finish the game and then come back. And so I finally beat it and it's good. It's good.

It's worth seeing. I'll never come back. I'm just like beat it. And it's good. It's good. It's worth seeing on the back. It's never come back. It's like this and Elden Ring are just, like they're so massive. I have had a great time. I'm super impressed. I will never touch it again. Once I'm done.

So what's it? Once I'm done, like the part of me that understands life, we'll just look at that and be like, oh no, danger. We know this danger. We ate those berries. Those berries are bad. But then there's like, have I ever seen you have starfield and baldersgate three like they're, I feel like nerds aren't going to have any free time for like five

months. Have you played a Dave the Diary yet? I don't even know what that is. It's, I think it's Steam only right now. I've been playing on my Steam Deck. It's, you're this like, like, heavier, like, guy's a professional diver, no one has any respect for you. And the game loop is basically like, go diving for fish in the morning, which is just sort of like in your, this two-dimensional kind of pixelated space, you aim your harpoon, you fire it, you grab fish until you can't care anymore,

and then you go up and then you run a sushi restaurant night. So it's part sushi restaurant restaurant. I'm seeing that I'll be in a ring link. I get why you're out of that. Yeah, that's the next season of Destiny. I get you. The ocean part, it's randomly generated like the layouts and different events. And it does a really good job of kind of layering on gameplay elements as you go. I'm maybe like 15 hours in and still really enjoying it. And it's like, you know, like a $10, $15 game. Okay.

I'll check it out. So you're saying it's heavier, heavier diaries. Got like a weight problem. Yeah, yeah. He's believed by that. I, oh man. People break it up and it's a game. I believe it's out of South Korea. Okay.

They don't always, yeah, deal with everything. That's a big issue in South Korea. Overweight divers. Like someone's got to make a game out of this. It's just a process, but a national pain. Last week we did Baywatch. And it was crazy. Yeah, I haven't looked into it yet, but I was really excited to see we're doing this

in the proper world. We're doing a whole theme, theme month, I guess theme two weeks, Fortnite. So we all agreed, it was crazy. like the pacing of Baywatch is just like an onslaught. 700 things happening, you never know which one was the main plot until the end, and then they're like, oh hey, remember that one thing? That's the one we're talking about. So it's like maximum cocaine energy, but without the restraint of the 80s. But this thing we're talking of Baywatch nights, which is all restraint, still too much cocaine, but a very, very different vibe. It's a lot of people probably know this,

it's sort of like- Not all restraint. I like the kept, the kept the, the philosophy of, we don't really have to finish this plot. We can start a plot. Okay, sure. And then just walk away. I suppose you're consistency.

But for the most part, it's kind of just the one thing that happens. And there's like little threads that sort of fray off, but not like regular bay watch, which is just like, hey, I found this lost kid. Oh, there's a bomb inside them. Oh, the bombs are filled with snakes. You're like, Jesus, slow the fuck down.

But anyway, we're not going to talk about that again. Here's Jeff Altman doing a wacky voice. They watch nights. It should be really sexy, right? They add a word, nights to a thing that's already known for it, swimsuit models. My brain still falls into the trap when I hear they watch nights. I'm like, oh, sexy. I know what it is. I know it's a geriatric exfiles thing.

But I don't know. I have been watching it. I'm like, like, red shoe diary. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, totally. They watch nights like bikini Saturdays at the Titty Hole. We know what we are.

I'm really lazy. We're like, try to wet thongba fae. We're open sunnages. We're near the airport across from Titty Hole Knights, which is a crafting store in Notary. I don't know. We have part of our identity tied up into that misunderstanding.

Like we have saved our Knights theme song just for sexy stuff. And that has never been true. It's based on something that was not ever a truth. What I was, when I first heard your Baywatch Nights inspired theme song, I was very excited because Shana had talked about Baywatch Nights like months ago. And I was, it was intriguing because I realized like, oh, they actually use the theme song from season one,

which we should probably talk about. I don't know actually how, where are you all of how drastic the tonal shift is in Baywatch nights between season one? That's my favorite part. I love it so much for that reason, for the reason that they just had no idea, no plan and no commitment. I love that specifically, there's no commitment,

where they're just like, you know what, we're just gonna play it loose. We're gonna be, we're gonna start off just being detectives, just being like cool beach detectives. And maybe there are monsters now. I don't know, fuck that last thing I said. They literally threw away 90% of the cast for the first season.

They tossed that theme song right in the garbage, and then they just said, what if we made shitty ex files? Yep. And this is like, I think this was probably season seven of Baywatch which was I guess at that point probably near the peak of it's like it was like the most of you would show on television ever. Yeah it was huge and this is the exact opposite of that. Yeah I never watched TV. I had never watched it until prepping for this podcast. Yeah, so when I decided my wife and I had finished Baywatch, I was like, well, we have to watch nights.

This sounds insane. I want to buying it on a DVD, PAL formatted DVDs from Germany. Yeah. Because they were the only people making actively selling new copies of this show. You can't stream in anywhere. I'm sure there's bad YouTube rips probably, right?

There were. I found them, but I preferred yours because I liked the German subtitles. Like the first one we're going to talk about is called Night Whispers, but in German they called it Van Ferlach Fluster. Van Perg Fluster. Van Perg Fluster. That's a better name. I was hoping against hope. I know it defies logic and this isn't the way reality works, but

I was hoping they would have a German version of the theme song on that file and I saw the original subtitles. Oh, sweet. No, no. Unfortunately, everything is exactly the same. But I do know, season two, the theme song is just like the little synth music and the saxophones. And then at the end, it's just David Haslock going, nights will never be the same. And I think it's just really fun. It's like hot and hot and fast.

And music and background. Yeah, it sounds like the ending of a song he only released in Germany. It's like, hey, just go music background. Yeah, it's like the ending of a song he only released in Germany. Like, hey, just go love, just go love, natural, never be the same. They're like, we just take that. And it's like, that's what that's how they came up with the idea for the show. It's an adaptation of a hassle off dance remix. Just like a tree with a crow in it, and like a skull, and then you just like striding through the fog

for literally the entire credits towards you. It's fucking wild. I have a theory you might be able to verify. I think most of the clips they use in the credits are filmed specifically for the credits not taken from episodes. I agree. I don't remember most of those moments. Because like they'll just be like, like a taxi-dermy doghead,

and those sort of like thick camera will float around on it. And you're like, I think that couldn't have been part of an episode. Like that was just a surprise. You don't remember the time? The one where they fight a taxi-dermy dog? Right. So I favored it. And then this show just started.

It's a very erotic. Second. So we did want to talk about two episodes, And then this show just starts. It's a very raw second. It's a very raw second. It's a very raw second. It's a very raw second. It's a very raw second. It's a very raw second. So we did want to talk about two episodes just to sort of give an example of how crazy the show is in multiple directions after it had already lost its mind. So the first one we're talking about is Van Pergifleuster.

And it starts with a slinky lady and she's like rubbing a glass tumbler on herself while she kisses flowers, which right off the bat and this the first Baywatch night's things I've ever seen, it's just like this is someone trying to do sexy who just has no idea what that means. Like she's so popper a sexy. Yeah, it's a very like a flower. I know all the visual shorthand for like sexy in the 90s. Believe me, I know that.

It was how I got through puberty. I've never seen anybody tongue kiss a flower. I'm like, no, that's not quite it. Let me rub this tumbler across my upper chest. No, that's not quite it. Let me put on my negligee cloak. That clump of wool. How was actually pretty sweet.

It was pretty sweet. It was pretty sweet. She had a lingerie cloak that she put on you. Yeah. All right, it all has the stink of weirdness. She has a glass of champagne. She's trying to drink it all sexy. So she goes out on the balcony and pours herself some more,

but she pours it half. She already has a full glass. She pours just like half an inch. And I love that kind of detail, that kind of the set designer and the director just kind of get together and say, let's just subtly tell everyone we're insane. Let's just fuck it.

Get real, fuck it. Stupid, weird with it. Yeah, if it was a film now, I'd almost say it has the stink of AI on it. Yeah, yeah, it really does. It really does. Is she everything's like a little off? Yeah.

And speaking of a little off, she has vampire superpowers, so she can hear stuff. And she's listening to this. I guess she's the main character of the show. I didn't know at the time I thought she was completely random jogger. Just fucking complaining. Just, ah, hey jogging. Like she complains for like two miles straight and we watch every step of it.

And that's like triggering her vampire hunger. She's like, oh, I'm gonna fucking eat that upset lady. So she dives off the balcony. And this feels like it's meant to be a big reveal But like I knew shoes of vampire the second I saw her haircut and outfit and the name of play Alcharek cloak. Yeah, oh my this is a vampire If you're lady if to if at any point you're getting sex in your lady puts on a seat through cloak Get the fuck out of there. That is a vampire. No

No human would freshen her champagne like this, vampire. Before you even noticed, you can't see her in the mirror. You already knew. Yeah, oh my god, yes. Before we get to that though, she, she like jumpscares a different jogger off of a bridge. And then the complaining lady finds his dead body and the vampire lady's like smirking from the shadows.

And I make a net sound like it's sane, but it's all, I guess this is, it may be sort of feel like this was a show for babies. They want us to like figure out she's a vampire without saying she's a vampire. The next 10 minutes are just vampire clues for people who just fucking already get it. So they go to her apartment. Hotel? She lives in a hotel, right? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a nice condo.

Like a vampire. It's all vampires. Yeah So I have a clip of the interrogation, which is I was able to work Just and I'm a side and watch this maybe nothing I'm a chorus. I'm a side. You know about the investigation. Yes, I do According to the door man, you were seen outside the building last night late near the park. I was. I enjoy the outdoors at night. Sunlights too much for me to bear.

It pains my eyes. It's also a little bit... Oh, yeah. That's a little more information than you need to give. It's a hot tip for other listeners. Never, never answer a question a cop cop didn't ask. So I love that clip because it lays a consistency. It lays like a groundwork for what is a consistent theme of these episodes and that everybody acts every scene as though they're very shy. Yeah. Yeah.

Every party weird. One of the reasons I picked these two episodes, and I do regret not having asked either you to watch the Frozen Viking episode, but maybe for a future podcast. Yeah, sure. These two episodes in particular, felt to me, especially the second one we'll talk about, like you could have staged them as a play at a local community college. At the local middle, like, maybe you're great school. Yeah, they have like the production quality and acting ability of like literally like a stage play. I mean, also, especially in the next episode,

there's like two locations for the whole, for like a 45 minute show. And that combined with the acting, I can never really like figure out exactly what feels so off about it. But something is just very, yeah, I don't know how else to explain it. It's just very community college about this

entire production, which I have a good example. I think. So the cop asks her for identification and she's like, absolutely. I have a good introduction. I have a good introduction. I think. Yeah. Yeah. So the cop asks her for identification and she's like, absolutely. And then she hands him like a stapled booklet of copy paper, like just a water receipts. And then he opens it up and we can see as the audience, it's not fucking anything. It's not a passport or a license. This woman's just like, the sunlight pains my undead flesh.

Have a soul. Behold, issue one of my zine It's just it's fucking nothing and like you're looking at it and you know it's not anything. I don't know It's it's a perfect example now generous and Like assume Well, they didn't know what we'd be watching it on high definition screen So there's no way but I feel like they get pretty close to, yeah, to just the sheet of papers. Where I feel like on normal broadcast, like TVs of the era, you still would have noticed they would have thought as a passport. But if we're being very generous, maybe this is like

the kind of identification she had like, 1,280 or whatever, And she's like, yes, you used to just have a list of boats you've been on. And that's how you identified yourself. You heard. Ancient Romanian list of dead husbands or whatever. Right. So the Fussy jogger is there. Like the cops are like, hey, jogging lady,

you were cut near a dead body. Why don't you come and tear get the suspect with us. And she's really suspicious about like the sunlight crap and the weird pile of papers and So she's writing down number she's taking notes on this investigation The vampire also has blood on her night down and she's like yes, I caught myself shaving like it's just really suspicious Then she's not in the mirror, also kind of suspicious. And she's a suspicious,

she doesn't point this out to anybody. Right. Again, I feel like this is, it's hard to imagine the intended audience who's going like, wait a second, she's a vampire. But it does feel like that's who this is forced. So I'm an imaginary person who's just now figuring out

that this creature of the Knights of Empire. She immediately hints to the doctor to tell David Haselop she's found a vampire. And I took a clip of her trying to explain it, which I thought was great. I, yeah, I can't say this, it's so nuts. Well, you got my attention and what are you talking about? Okay, she was wearing gloves.

No, that's not it. I'm sorry. There was a blood on her nightgum. No, that's not it either. Ryan. OK, OK, the jogger. The jogger died because someone cut into his pulmonary vein. That vein carries the richest, most oxygenated blood throughout the entire body. So, there you go.

There you go. So, right. So what? So, when the woman was leaving with the tech, of course, there was a reflection of him in the mirror. Nothing of her. Finally gets to the magic part. Finally gets to it. Right, there's a magical vampire. And then re-interests. In August. What? What? What are you saying? I'm saying that. I think she's a vampire. It's stupid. What are you doing?

I want to suck your blood. Okay, that's the end. He's immediately not taking her seriously. What was the goal with that scene? Was that supposed to be funny? Was it supposed to be hard doing a bit? It sounded like a drunk date trying to explain game of throws?

She's like, no, no, that's not the... Be fair. He's the last day to jump. It was a close check in the laughing. And with the sister, but he fucks her on the coffin of their dead. Oh, that's not it. It's the guy.

You know, the guy from the guy, he's always dead. You know, the guy. Why did, he always did, you know, the guy, like, why did, like, you can sit down and write a scene out so it doesn't turn, turn out like that. Right. You're, you're not weighing it, but maybe they were. Everything's insane. I wrote down, Hasselhoff is the scully, five question works.

It's a fucking madman's decision. You know, so actually, five question marks, it's a fucking madman's decision. So actually, actually, he's, he's, they've said, so, so Ryan is his assistant, and she is the only actor who survives from season one to season two, and they've reinvented her in season two as the scientist. So she's partially the scully, but she's also partially the molder. She's like a little bit of a hybrid. What's fascinating about this scene though is that he so clearly doesn't believe that she has encountered a vampire. And this is the ninth episode of the season.

So they've already fallen into another dimension together in a previous episode, fought a aquatic chupacabra together. Like, he's seen enough shit that like vampires wouldn't be that crazy with concept anymore. I mean, that's the danger that the X-Files introduced is that now everybody wants to have like, oh, we need a skeptic for them to bounce off of into a Wild-Aid one-day thing, I believe I don't.

But unless you're playing it on the line, like the X-F files was in the early seasons where they didn't quite see something, you can't have him like punching an octopus man straight in the face on the next, but something being like, I don't believe in mega sharks. What are you talking about? Like, you can't have both ways.

They literally spent the whole episode chasing a Viking around a boatyard, maybe like two episodes before this. Like nothing's off the table anymore in this universe in my mind. But a vamp, I mean it, she wears gloves. Obviously she's a vampire. We do find out later she has like an airport book about vampires. It says, oh, they wear gloves because they grow hair on the palms of their hands. So they're doing some weird deep cuts. Yeah, I didn't find that anywhere.

I've never made that before in my life. I've never heard of that. So that was that up and it's masturbation. Yeah, that's a masturbation trope. So that's a Baywatch. Maybe this is a holdover from an original Baywatch script where they're like, oh, we've got this guy he's wearing gloves a little time

to get hair on his palms, because he's jerking it to the lifeguards. I don't know. I don't know. Again, I'm very sleepy. Because he's an immortal master racist. That's, there's no way that doesn't exist. I got a look.

I get from the airport. Angie is the woman's name, or the actress's name, Ryan is the character's name. So she has blood all over her stuff and then she calls over the other scientists to bring us lab equipment to Hasselhoff's apartment and they like look at it and they're like, oh, here's the blood that she got from the victim, and it's not coagulating because the vampire like made it so it wouldn't coagulate so she could drink it better. I don't know. This this back guy team to shows up for the with the stuff. He is basically the smoking man of the the series. He's the one always has government connections and pulls them into things

and somehow often gets them out. He's terrible. Terrible. This guy's terrible actor in the show. Yeah, he's like a legit bad actor. A lot of the takes, he flubbed lines and flubbed words and they just left it in. He strikes me as like a college football player

going for like a theater credit. He's just fucking pissed off about. Right. But then only like three or four years later, he played a cop in the TV show Charmed. He was in like four or five seasons at Charmed and he's not that bad in it. So I think he took acting lessons at some point or something. I'm gonna get better. Good for him. For what it's nice for people to grow. I think these were his acting lessons. You can watch him learn after he does something.

He's like, no, real talk. That wasn't it. That wasn't it. I'll learn. I'll be better next time. There is no next time. Fuck. They go to try to talk to the vampire lady,

the murderer creature of the night. I think the writers forgot the stakes. They really think she swoops down from the balcony Ada man's blood and it's now like living among us and they're like I think we should go ask her some questions as fucking vampire so Real real Lucy Goosey with the danger Hasloff still can't believe she thinks this is a vampire and they have a long argument about like this folklore has to come from somewhere. And so I'm really confused.

If she's a scientist and her proof is that like people talk about it, people talk about vampires. It's pretty stupid. You know, yeah, they never really like made it really stuck that landing because again in the first season, she never once looks in a microscope. Yeah. They also do a thing on the show, you're not supposed to do in screenplays where they tell you more than they show you. So all these moments of discovery, which they already can't seem to do right, she's like telling us about it. Like, oh, I talked to the coroner and he says no instrument could have made the cut on his chest.

But I asked him if a tooth maybe could have done it and he was like, oh yeah, totally a tooth could have done it. And like all these stuff that a regular show would have shown you that conversation. And you would have been like, I'm starting to get some real vampire vibes from this lady. They just skip it over. Tell us about it. Okay, so here's, it's going to sound like I've lost my mind,

but here's what happens. They go to the police station like, hey, we want to talk to your vampire suspect. They're like, ah the fucking the pants of porches are shutting down the police station So it's close. They're like moving out with movie boxes and shit But there's still it's still a working police station and they're like you could go in and talk to the interrogator lifeguard I think he actually says we're going to submit this Have to leave you another door. We're lucky.

It's got that Baywatch. It's got that Baywatch consistency of like not actually knowing what happens. Like what happens when they leave a building? They must just like seal it up so it's a solid block of cement. Why would you assume that? That's not at all what happens because the cement shut all the doors. What the fuck are you assume that? That's not at all what happens. You can just submit shut all the doors. What the fuck are you talking about? And we'll pay watch right away.

I've never used the same doorway choice. Okay, it's fucking madness. So they they stop for a bathroom break. So Angie goes into the bathroom and then the vampire lady creeps up on Hasseloth and she's just mesmerizing and sexy, which is Hasseloth's weakness. And they have like this weird thing. Angie comes out of the bathroom and with a big ol' like big acting grunt, like slightly more subtle than oh fuck. I just lost eight pounds, don't ever go in that bathroom again, Hasselhoff. So that's like where we are. They're just like loose in a police station.

It's like also a spooky abandoned maze. Like being sealed up around them as the one mummies tomb to preserve the memory of the chief of police forever for future generations. Now, with that end of that conversation that Hasselhoff has with the vampire, she starts drifting way down the hall and he's watching her go like Oh, yeah, and then she disappears in a puff of smoke and he goes like, oh, well So just at this point some vampire vibes They just they specifically show him watch her do it and you're like, okay, so he understands now. He does not understand He literally says That's a little weird. That was weird.

Not wrong. It's not wrong. They usually don't do that. I mean, sometimes they do that, but not usually. There's a couple of prostitutes they're doing like their prostitute paper were like among the moving boxes The one service still being provided Right, so you say literally the cop the cop is frightened the cop is frightened that they might not finish the paperwork on time And he will be sealed inside the police station. He's like whatever you just got to sign it and the lawyers are I don't even care sign it. We have to get out of here. We have to fucking go He says something like like someone, like something about the phone. He's like, yeah, we can, we can receive calls in this, but we can't make outgoing calls anymore. They cemented the phone line shut.

This, the next episode we talk about is worse than this, but it, it feels like playing games with the five-year-old. Like, the rules just change, and they're whatever they say they are. It's like, no, daddy, we're not playing Sonic anymore. We're doing karate. And that's what this is. It's like, what we need the phones to be able, they can't have phones, but we do need them to be able to take some calls.

Okay, okay, here's how the phones work. Also, I got told we need a ticking clock. So there's cementing up the doors. They have five minutes. It's just, it's fucking so stupid Like they just can't ever get their feet under them when they're when they're writing these scripts They go to see they go to see the vampire lady and Life cards go fucking talk to talk to our suspect. Yeah, that's another crazy thing about the show is it's like a

Talk to our suspect. Yeah, that's another crazy thing about this show is it's like a lifeguard and a private detective and they somehow keep getting like roped into like for instance being called in by scientists to find the unfrozen Viking running around a boat. Yeah, like feels like a matter for cops or feds. I'd call a lifeguard. I call Viking force. You said it was a bone-in-one product. That's like Viking Force. You're right. You're right. So she's killed the guard with the exact same cut as the jogger. And they're like, oh my god, this is very suspicious. I'm starting to get a real vampire vibe.

And I think this is how she's operated for so long. She's hundreds of years old. I think she's like, is that this kind of subtle? She's just like jump out of her hotel room, eat a guy, talk to the cops the next day and be like, yes, I'm clearly a vampire. I ate that guy. And then when she gets arrested for it, she'll eat the guard. And then they're like, God, she just vanishes into the night, leaving no trace. The cops are now after her. The prostitutes over here, this is super turned on by it. They're like, you guys talking about vampires?

I'd love to get murdered toothed first by some hunk. Like, I don't get what that was. They don't accept that. Almost they were. Almost they were. Almost they were. Almost they didn't write down the exact quote. But for the most part, the pace is very slow and the plot is very simple.

It's like a first draft with no polish or extra ideas, just the raw concept. And then we just sort of see the foibles and failings of these people, like the educational system that failed the writers of the show They don't know anything about fucking anything and I include vampires with their hair hands So so anyway, like two life cards and two process and a dirty cop and they're hunting a vampire and they're and they're lawyer who I think they said his name was pantalone All right, they all they all walk into a bar and there's a horse there. So fucking stupid and then the vampire takes out the main cop and so he he finds her feeding on him. Hasahop finds her, I'm trying to remember how it all happens.

Yeah, yeah. He's like, hey, are you eating that guy? And she like, capes slams him and then chases after him. And he does like some Jackie Chanfully oxidize down. Yeah. And he like, like, was she even chasing him? Because it's like unclear from the camera work. But he like, so like, runs through this like, was she even chasing him? Cause it's like unclear from the camera work, but he like suddenly runs through this like,

chain link doorway grabs the top of it. And like, it had to have been a stunt man, right? Cause I was like, damn, like he plays himself upside down and like is now hiding in the ceiling. Yeah, he just, helps the sideways. This is my favorite scene in either of these episodes. And I would like to paint the picture

as I understood it. I don't know if you have the same take from this, but so she, he stumbles across her, actually eating a guy, like actually eating a guy. Just keep that in mind for a minute. She slapped him so hard he does like half of a backflip and flies 20 feet. And what he does is he turns around and runs away in total blind like baby panic. They even do like several closeups on his face of him just like no dignity, fuck, fuck, oh fuck.

And I thought that was great. I was like, oh shit, that's like, that's what you would really do if you were like, okay, a vampire is real. Like I kind of love that you played that expectation. And then we just stay with him as for like a minute and a half as he just goes, fuck, fuck, and runs around the station. Jackie Chan flipping slam and gates trying to, he finally tries to like hide an event or something

and then he realizes, like, oh, this is a terrible hiding spot and he runs away. And then he trips and just falls down a flight of stairs and ends up at the very bottom of the flight of stairs sprawled out like a toddler that took a bad spill just utterly disweighted for death. He's like, like, waiting for death. From his own clumsiness. He does his own clumsiness.

Yeah, from his own failures. Four cool things and then falls down to flight of stairs. And that's that's where she finds him. She finds him at the top of the flight of stairs. It looks down at him and in any any any movie you would expect it to be like, what a fucking idiot. Like I can't believe you just did all that. But yeah, but instead she says it like, I've never been this impressed in 400 years. I've never known what I've wanted.

And then they cut back from her saying all this to him still brokenly sprawled. Like he has not enough removed it. Like, he's kind of confused to really fuck it up myself. Oh, yeah, there's no bad. She's like, I in 400 years, I never knew what I wanted, but it's you. It's you eventually leaves and he's still there.

That's just incredible. Incredible. This is shocking for a couple of reasons. Like, first of all, she's super impressed by him almost dying to stairs. But also, it sort of implies that there was another version of the script, which I find completely impossible, that this is not the first draft, which means

at one point he was doing something cool, and then she's like, impressive. And then later they did a rewrite where he's a giant pussy. And they're like, we're not at the time to rewrite all those lines. She's like, we already filmed that order. Then that stopped. First you slammed into those bars,

and then you fell down and you cried a little bit and then you jumped over that fence Which was cool, but then you tried to hide in the vent and I was impressed at every single step Yeah, and it's just like and her her reflection is so like she's so like this made her so horny so Tapely horny like so horny for Mitch Yeah, which is a very common theme throughout Baywatch of women way out of his league, falling madly in love with them for really no reason. So that's at least consistent. Well, the script did establish she has super hearing.

So like she can hear him shitting his pants. Like the whole time he was running, she heard that. And I think that's like maybe an ancient Romania that was like a very impressive thing to do to shit your pants running It's like that that was the only big head like how long you could shit proved how much food you had Therefore your wealth and security as a mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm standard beauty So they split up the groups splits up from the prostitutes They have a big argument because there's this place is amazed nobody knows the way out of the cops station. Even the cops. They say those words.

So the prostitutes split up, which is television shorthand for goodbyed prostitutes and sure enough the van barry. It's one of them. Haselop finds his friend and the cops and he's like, what the fucking hookers? And he's like really mad at them for splitting up even though he he just ran off solo to shit his pants at the bottom of the stairs. Well after they meet back up he says oh maybe you have this clip. When they meet back up everyone kind of like recaps it and it's like they do it it's so subtle like most people would never notice it's so careful and elegant they just weave it right into the dialogue I want you to hear it. We've it, right into the dialogue. I want you to hear it.

I'm not going to be able to do it. I'll see my dad in that back too. This place is like a maze. I don't understand. Where's Shontal? He's dead is where she is. He's gone that bitch with the overbite. She did it right in front of me.

Oh, Shontal. Oh, my God. What? What? Are you saying there really is a vampire? Yes. Shontal is dead. Oh my god! What? What? Are you saying there really is a vampire? Yes! Shantal is dead! She's gone! Sucked up and sucked dry!

Oh man, we gotta get outta here. That's what we've been trying to do! See how? They remind you that they need to leave, but also there's a vampire. A lot... There's a lot of a wreak... I feel like they're still writing this for the Baywatch audience. They're just coming in for 30 seconds to see if it's a sh of wreaking. I feel like they're still writing this for the Baywatch audience. They're just coming in for 30 seconds to see if it's a shaggy video. They might have just come in after this commercial break and they're just like, yeah, you need

to reiterate there's a vampire. When Mitch does rejoin them, the first thing he says is, not that I'm buying into this, but how do you kill one of these vampires? Right. He literally, this is, he's seen her disappear in the middle of the night. He's not there to kill him. He's, he's walked in on her eating a man. And it's like, ah, you're, you're crazy. If you think it didn't do a bit where, where like one person mixes up vampires and war wolves. They're like, yeah, we need a staker

in the heart or get some sunlight or maybe a silver bullet. No, no, I think that's where we're supposed. They're required by a lot of do that. I didn't judge them for that. But it's okay. So the plan actually is since she's in love with David Hasselhoff, he's gonna like go like honey potter and the dirty cop is like, yeah fucking go ahead, go on date with the vampire fucking MOOC. He's like saying out loud, he just doesn't care. He actually says the word, it's him or us. He's a very self-serving antagonist. Well, what was the part about, like,

there was a brief moment where they hear running water and they're like, oh, there's a tunnel under here, maybe. And they pull a great back and just a bunch of rats fall out. Yeah. And then when it screams, and just a bunch of rats fall out. Yeah. And then when screamed, and no one ever mentions the tunnel or the running water ever again. Right. They found a rat hole.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. It's so seem to imply that she controlled the rats. Like that might have been her pudding rat there. So they couldn't escape. Right. But she's now calling with her mind.

She's like, bitch, bitch. I also liked that one of them suggested hitting her with holy water and the surviving prostitute. Here's the word, holy water. She gasps and then makes the cross on her chest, which I thought was a nice touch because what the fuck is that? In the original version of the script,

she used to be a priest and quit She's gonna say holy water near Don't say like oh shit oh sanctumist Sektola's I whatever the but I've never seen it. I don't know why she did it Just reminded there's like God somewhere and she's like oh right right the God thing Anyway They they now know how to kill her. Some light sticks, holy water, whatever. Maybe silver bullets. So Hasselhoff goes after her, he enters a realm of tubes and mist, and he confesses to her, his infatuation. Like, I don't know, they filmed this part in a sewage treatment,

plan something. I have no idea. To set the stage, she's in a silky black nighty with her arms crossed, an elegant and timeless beauty. David Hasselhoff wearing an old denim shirt he was fixing his boat in, shuffling through fog machine smoke in the sewage treatment plant I mentioned. I do have a clip, I happened to me. It was... I said, if I've known you... over a hundred years... tell me what the girl said is true. What did she say?

That you wanted me. Won't forget. What did she say? What did you want of me? What for? I do. You are the most desirable creature I have ever seen. No man. It's a really bad thing. It's a really bad thing. It was a great thing. I'm not a real shit thing. I'm not really good at that, they just was. I'm not really sure if they are.

I'm drawn to it. I think this is the part where he palms her face like a basketball. I think I'm not that cute, special. That he is a one of us. Here I touch you. Please. He got consent. I love it. Oh, you ended the clip before the horny monk chance. But yes, they do.

It was never clear to me if he was actually kind of attracted to her. Or if this was all sort of a bit that went on longer than it ever needed to. Like, I feel like it could be both. What's he talking with her? Okay. Because he did mention that she was hot. I mean, she's undeniably hot. And they mentioned the allure of, you know,

the vampire many times. So in a text of the art, she's very sexy and he's, he desires her. The desirable creature line was real bad. I'm glad that she hated it. That's good writing. But it feels like they're like often in another world, just because the set's so different,

but everyone's watching them. The prostitute, the living one is watching and she's like, literally says, what the hell is he doing because they're making out and again She has super hearing so like she's listening and seems very into it, but then while this is happening He grabs the back of her hair pulls it off. He just screams back off bad woman and Then he runs that that was part two of the plan

And then he runs that was part two of the plan. That was the first. My mouth on it. He didn't need to walk all the way up to her. No. Talked her for like several minutes about how attractive you found her and then make out with her for the second part of the plan to still have worked. I just. They had to have consulted about that. I get to have been like, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to santa up to her seducer with my words make out with her and then when I've got her

good and ready, I'm going to slap the back of her head and yell back off that woman and then run away. From the super fast creature, but like she's legitimately arcbroken when I've never heard her. Yeah, like it's weird to get us to care for the film and of the show, but like they staker with a chair. Son, God, this part was so badly filmed. I genuinely don't. Did you know what happened? Okay, I rewind this several times. I never figured out what happened. So there was like a shaky cam, a little Sam Raimi thing,

and then she's dead. You're like, what? Yeah. But dead in like, the gnarliest way possible. Yeah, I think they put a chair out. How? No, what happened? I think it's a pitch fork, which means there is a

point that they have pitch for. In a police station. I think it could have been an evidence. I think it could have been a good, because it's like a, there's like a kind of of like a metal grading over the window that they somehow read. And then they put like the front part of a pitch fork through it and then shut the door and then she just slammed head first into the door and the pitch fork wanted to be in very in his tomb with his favorite pitch fork. Of course. Yeah. It all makes sense.

That was probably the first trip. Then Hasselhoff said, I have an idea. What if I put my mouth on the young actress for seven or eight weeks? Yeah. That doesn't quite make sense. No, listen, keep listening. I grabbed my back of the hair. And yes, you'll be watching the whole time. And yes, you'll be watching the whole time. Yes. So, after she's dead and like dies very sad, she was like, oh man, you are real vampire material. I thought we were in love. Like, she dies and then the rats swarm her body. And so this actress is super not happy about it.

There's like a rat on her fucking face. And she has like that dead. And she can't twitching and like oh it's so bad this poor lady so that's it that's the story has to love spackin' a lab um he has like some claw marks on his face so now he's kind of turning into a vampire he's turning off all the lights and Angie's like hey are you okay he, oh, I'm transforming into a bat. And then he attacks her, but it's a prank. He like, bought fake teeth for this shit.

He's like, ha, I'm not a real vampire. And she loves it. Yeah, she does. It's pretty cool. Good, just good, Colleen Fun. Actually, the last lines of the show, he says, it's very funny. And she goes, no. She's the king of all of us. Just good writing. It's so efficient.

Okay, so we do have another episode we want to talk about. It's called The Mobius, but the German title is Dimension X. They're both good. Yeah. So in this episode, it opens with Hasselhoff and a Tuxedo. And instead of a bow tie, he's wearing like a silk collar with a little tiny brooch. He says it's the latest fashion, and I love that I've never seen it before. It's so sad, it's very cool. Yeah. Never before since it's not existed. Yeah.

This was a no-whole thing. This was 1997, I want to say. I had girlfriends since is that existed. Yeah, this was a no hold on. This was 1997 I want to say. I had girlfriends that wore that. Okay, got girlfriends. Okay, but not over their taxidos. Suicide girls were gonna start up soon, like, you see? That's just, you got us for it.

You got us for it. If you saw this taxido and it was called the Suicide Girls Taxido, you'd be like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, make sure it is. Yeah, that's it. So a beautiful scientist comes into the room with a complicated problem. I will let her explain. No, nothing special. Only the opening of Luznou Club down at the beach. Come in, you look upset. I don't even know where to begin. It's so complicated.

For two years now, Don and I have been concentrating on quantum physics. We were conducting a simple countering experiment with the particle accelerators when something unexpected happened. A convergence was created, a force field. A physical force field? Yeah.

Why is everyone so shy? I don't know. It's such a strange acting choice. I think as the writers are writing waybond beyond their means, like, in the local's university, it has two particles, at least two particle accelerators. I don't know, this isn't my field expertise.

We will see. And we will see exactly zero, any things that look like a particle accelerator for the entirety of this episode. Yeah, what we will see is like a janitor's office. For like a surprising episode, I'm like, this could have been a stage play. This could have 100% just a minute stage production. And it really shouldn't have been because like when she says force field, what she means is like a hole in space time. Like they've created a, like an anomaly, I guess they say in the show.

Very specifically not a force field. I don't know why they- And they've had that in the script. I feel like any child knows what a force field or a wormhole is or whatever. It's just, it's like they're taking random science words and just throwing them in. Again, it has the stake of an AI script.

Right. And the first thing I would do if I had a problem with my interdimensional barrier is go to a private investigator. Agreed. I'd go to a lifeguard. A lifeguard? Oh, it's both. Oh, that's problem solved, baby. Very convenient. What's great is they get hassleelop the lifeguard and Angie is she understands the physics of it. So they have this cast of scientists and Haselop.

He's the only non-quantum physicist in the cast. So they have to keep explaining stuff to him, but every time they explain it it gets wronger and weirder. And again, I'm just a fucking guy with the fucking normal education and I'm like, God, it's show so dumb. Yeah, so anyway, he makes a bold decision here to play every line throughout this entire episode no matter what happens to him very sarcastically. Like he didn't do that in the other episode, but he's just everything he says now is, oh, sure.

Yeah, that's great. While he's being sucked through time into other alternate dimensions, he's like, yeah, I love this. Yeah, hooray. I do like, there's a moment where he's like, I don't understand what you guys are saying. Cause they're like, there's a whole in space time.

And he's like, what the fuck is a time? And they're like, no, what they say is the football. They say there's a time anomaly. And he says, what's that in English? Those are just basic words, the time and anomaly, they just mean that. Neither of these are normal. They need any additional explanation.

Yeah, time and something's wrong. That's all like, you got the gist of it. But they show him, they give him a football and this is how they show him, which I thought was really funny. Like this is the real sarcasm. Like here, I'll show you how it works, Dickhead. And they throw the football through the center of the room

and it vanishes for 12 seconds. And then it comes back out. So these are the rules they've established for us, is that stuff goes into this hole and it comes out 12 seconds later. But then two amendments real quick. It's a Nerf football and it hurts Mitch a lot to catch it. Yeah, Mitch is not tough to catch. Definitely acts like he caught like a large rock.

Also clearly in Nerf football though. They're all standing around this interdimensionalift that's just like represented by like a spotlight in a room. And there's no like nobody's set up any kind of barriers around this thing. Like you can't see where it is, but we're just kind of milling around it as though it's not like most dangerous thing mankind has ever created. Right. I guess you know what we forgot to mention? Is that the male scientist,

she's worried that he's, this guy's too obsessed with this fucking hole in the universe and he's gonna jump into it. So part of why she brought these people here is, it's sort of as like social workers, or rescue workers, to like talk him down from jumping into the time bubble. And, but when Angie sees the football,

she's like, oh, guys, we gotta throw some more shit in this thing. We gotta try something organic. And the scientist's like, see, she likes to do my time hole rules. I'm right about it. Oh. I just don't know. And she doesn't have any response to that.

She's just like, fuck, not does. I can't. No, you're right. Fuck, everybody loves your time hole, buddy. I got a second opinion and I was wrong, I accept. And then she's like, something's pulling me, some sort of gravitation of Paul and everyone's like,

don't go near the fucking hole, you idiot. Of course, she goes in the whole group, blue portal grab, Hasselhoff jumps after the two ladies and none of them land in the same spot. They all land in different places in the same like Funky Caveman warehouse different places in the same foggy caveman warehouse. I have a clip of the doctor. As soon as they're gone, he's like, oh, fuck, they're dead.

They're dead for sure. And I have, God is acting so good. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. That's all. That's the whole clip. He's holding a space. He's holding a face in, it's, it's, it's playing again.

Come on, they gone! They must've been the next half hour. Cutting back to him like every five minutes, just being a sad sack of shit. Yes. That he's like now, he's like murdered the love of the leg. Teague, the smoking man guy actually shows up and says, do you have any theories? You're the scientist who has been working on this.

Where might they be? And he says, no. Damn, I'm fucking dead, buddy. He doesn't have any input. I've just been fucking throwing shit in there and it rules, that's it. But this is all I know about this whole. There's a part where he's, he like breaks down, he's like,

God, I do it again. Years ago, I exploded some shit and killed somebody else. And then like that story goes nowhere. Because again, I guess this is Baywatch, that's kind of normal for Baywatch, but meanwhile, back in the... No, it goes somewhere, it just doesn't go where you think. Because Teeke, he's telling that story to Tee and he says I

Did a laser experiment that also went wrong and it killed two students and I learned nothing and Tee says No, no, no The don't talk like that. You're a scientist. You're an explorer. It's a noble profession and everybody knows it can be dangerous You've got to ignore the student death stamp. He uses that as a motivational speech of like, you're wrong to more than these students. And that's what gives him the confidence to try science again. You're right, fuck those guys. Yeah, when you put it like that. So to give the stakes of the danger,

Hasselhoff is being stalked by like a trash ninja. And then he'd like leaps down from a catwalk. And like to know, in fact, he like tasks on the shoulder and like chimpanzee escapes. Just like, it's like a world of full-size jolars like in size. Right. I just called them bag men because they're, they, they, they clearly ran out of costumes for like some of the ones in the background. So they're just wearing paper bags. Right. They're, they're like, they call them mutants, but it's clearly just like, like, people with bad posture wrapped in fabric and trash bags. And so it's like, I don't know, just the warehouse filled with like, carbonettes and burn barrels. I sort of love this set, because I feel like looking at any frame

of this show and you know exactly what you're looking at. Like this is a doctor who episode about a dimension made out of junk, or like a time traveling thing on wrong. Like this is whatever the time machine, the HD Wells book. This is just the, the chocolate I sent back. I don't think they had to build that set. I think that's just like a universal stew to go's fucked up dimension set that everybody can just rent it for like $300.

I think it was just a storage warehouse and they're just like, no, it's fine. Just leave all this stuff in it. Cause it's probably a laser tagger. It's only a location. Yeah, it's the only other location in this entire episode. And they try to shoot it from a bunch of angles and they move some of the junk around to make you think, but it's like not fooling anybody.

Like it never leaves that warehouse. Yeah, it's so fucking stupid. But despite all these obviously human things, like carbon nets and burn barrels, like Angie finds a rubber ducky in a baby teething ring, she's like, wait, humans are here. This is an order to mention. Wait a fucking keep up lady.

They find a newspaper from three years, it's from 1999, it's from three years in the future. And the world has burned from an ozone layer fire. And so, you're like- It's not to get ahead of ourselves, but they never really figured out how they were going to prevent that future in this episode, did they? They do align out almost directly to the viewer where it's like it's up to us to stop it like it's sort of an environmental message which they did not decide upon early in this episode. They figured out maybe we could say something about the environment in the last five minutes of

the episode because what happens next is they find a giant egg and they say humans aren't the only thing mutating. Now it's important. You remember. We got Godzilla three years in the three fucking years. The ozone layer specifically makes California of Godzilla seagulls within three years. And it's important that we all remember that because the show does not. For these eggs exist. Like you never, never pays off. I feel like they went to a commercial with like a loud noise.

And they would stay back like, yeah. Yeah, you hear something rowing, but that's it. You never see it. Nobody ever sees it. They also never go back to like these are mutants. Later in the script, they decide they call them marauders and then they just like yeah, they're marauders. They're just like they were just bandits But they very clearly said these are mutants humans are the only thing mutating They have some sort of mutant human form and then just completely forget about that. None of that is it just ever mentioned again

There are more people at best So Hasala finds an old guy a very non-mutated human old guy, and he immediately clocks them as time travelers. He's like, you're not from here. How the fuck? So he just spills the beans about like their planet's history in a way that like I guess I appreciate as a viewer, but like as a critic of args, I found this to be pretty clumsy. Mitch just feeds him a ladle of water,

which had to have been this guy's toilet. Like I saw him just, he grabs the nearest bucket of water and starts shoving it in his mouth with a big old soup ladle. I'm like this, did you wanna check and see if that's drinking water? Fuck anyway. I thought everything about this is weird. He gives him a second scoop of filthy water

and he just looks at the girl and says, there's nothing I can do. He's just like this guy's dead from three years of cosmic radiation. I can shovel some more sewer water into him, but like that's it, that's all I've got as a lifeguard. I had the one move, like as a lifeguard, I can give you a water bottle. That's all I'm legally authorized to do. And we were talking earlier about writing beyond their means as the uneducated

idiot who wrote this show. And so they're talking about bringing it back to, like, hey, let's bring it back to our time when we have actual good doctors and not like David Haselop with the fucking a ditch water. And they're like, no, he can't go back to it. Non his time. It's like they're just throwing out time-copy rules. We're like, what the fuck are you talking about? They're just, we have to leave in the air. Yeah. And the other lady finds her college notes in another room in the fucking warehouse. Like they can't find any human artifacts except for a rubber ducky teething rings and this one individual person's college notes, her literal possessions. Yeah, in a Southern dimension.

Yeah, pretty significant coincidence. And now the more locks are found, like grown- hair. So they they attack and they kill a couple like really easily like Hasloth just sort of throws one off a catwalk and he's a one-man army with that piece of rebar he's found. He's just like fucking those dudes up There's like 20 of them and they're all like just getting yeah thrown off of railings. He does this move that I swear to God I'm gonna use someday if I'm if I'm ever in this scenario that I swear to God I'm going to use some day. If I'm if I'm ever in this scenario where I'm being attacked by possibly mutants, I'm going to tell the woman who's with me, grab hold of my belt and then I'm going to hold the rebar in front of me and waggle it back and forth while I run at them like a battle train because it works so well

when he does it. You're skipping west when I'm in the show. Because they kind of get cornered, they're throwing potatoes and trash at them, and then they get to the end of a catwalk and Hasselhoff's like, we got a jump. It's like a 10-foot drop, it's significant. And she's like, I don't know how to fucking jump. And he's like, do gymnastics. And she's like, I didn't do gymnastics. He's like, okay, what did you do? She's like, dance, he's like perfect.

And she's like, no, tap dance. I'm telling you, this all happens. And I'm making, I'm fucking abridging it. Like this is like a 30 minute conversation they have to decide she can't jump off of this thing, even in these desperate circumstances. And that's where, and his solution is trained.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, battle choo choo formation. You be, you be the war kaboos. I am the choo choo watch me watch me pop and off. They find their friend, the lady scientist, like just in time, like a few of the Morlocks had or in a position I was like, guys, can we cut? Can we make this a little less disgusting? Anyway, they put a note in a football back in the real world and they're like,

okay, if you're there, send the football back. Now, we're all watching the same show, so we know that the football magically comes back on its own. So either the show is implying that the more locks are finding this football and then throwing it back through the time hole, or the rules changed some more along the way. Is that like what we decided? It doesn't matter. We're switching. That's exactly.

Yeah, I think the more locks had been throwing stuff back the whole time. Okay. There's a scene where we skipped over before all of this goes down where they throw an apple in. And then if it's second later, like an old peanut butter jar pops out and the scientist goes, this has never happened before. Like, fucking loses his mind. And then we put it together after they throw the like the footballs coming back and they

they have to send it back. So yeah, the more locks are there and like like, should is coming out of the time hole, and they're just like, hell yeah. So they're playing interdimensional. Get this playing catch. Across time, across the multiverse with the more locks. And it's not only they made it the more like side of it knew that that was a game, I guess.

So they were just standing with their skygods. They're like, hey, whatever. There's even another scene where Teague, like in the cutbacks back and forth, Teague and the scientists are trying to figure this out or whatever, and Teague like throws a coffee cup through the hole and rage, and then it briefly shows one of the Morlocks

just catching it and like squirreling it away. And then later on, he keeps like looking at the portal and he goes, why isn't my coffee cup come back? He's so looking at the portal and he goes, why isn't my coffee cup come back? He's so mad about it. But the more luck was just like, sweet. I'm going to keep this one. I'll use this for the ditch water. So they decide, they find the football,

right, in the more luck dimension. And they're going to throw it back, but then the scientists is like, no, no, no. You know what we should do is climb up above the time hole and then throw it down to the time hole To my satisfaction is not explained why Yeah, nobody ever explained why they needed to be above the time hole right and again This is what I'm saying when it's like playing games in the five-year-old you just someone will just shout nope You have to be above the time for it to work.

You're like, all right, okay, he says the rules now. They go back for the college notes to save the future because he's like, hey, he wrote down all the ozone shit in the notes. We can bring that back and save the future with the blah, blah, and Hess loves like, yeah, okay, cool, I got it notes. She's like, yeah, it's in a brown bag. And he's brown bag He's like I don't find this notes. I fucking get it lady Then here's where the ears where they run into the monster like that they cut to commercial after that going back for the notes

And the whole world starts shaking. You're like, oh here we go where we're preparing for the Yeah, the big monster reveal the eggs, the radiation, and then we come back from commercial and he's just like running to find the notes. They just forgot they forgot on the commercial break.

What they were doing. Did they forget or did they realize we can't do this? Yeah, there was a monster there. Like, yeah, it's some like car room floor footage is the fucking coolest looking piece I think there was a monster there. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, and some, it's like, I grew in four footages, the fucking coolest looking piece of God's ill phone. We're gonna eat that for $20.

God, fucking new me in the John Club, they had damn predator cows too. They'd say, I'm like, that's fucking, it doesn't work. I, they do a hot solo thing here. I took a clip of it because she tells David has a lot that she loves him after he goes back for the notes and here we go. Miction. Um. I love you.

I know you tell. I'll start getting cocky on the metal. Okay, alright, just go, it's gonna be okay. I can say it. He very carefully. I'll be waiting for you. I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm not gonna say it's okay. Right.

Okay. She's like, we're not gonna... She just won't let the live... Just let it land, lady. He's like, yeah're not gonna, she just won't let the live, let it land, lady. He's like, yeah, I know you do. Like it never strikes back, yeah. And she's like, all right, no, but you fucking, you have to say I love you too. No, okay, get the fuck out of here. You like, that's how she, I don't like to, she called them out on like, hey, you're no

Harrison Ford, you say it. Right. No, no, no, I think it'll be cool this way. No, but Hasselhoff stick to the script. I think I should put my mouth on that lady from the other. The vampire should be here for this one. Anyway, then she gets the notes and he uses them as a way like he fights his way back through them. He then he grinds a more locked to death in a fan.

And I love this because it's just so he didn't have to do it. And they also, it happens off camera. Like we don't like, of course, see him shove a guy into a fan. And also I was expecting something more like, like for it to have his face or something. Like, oh, I just killed my future self or something. But no, it's just he just murdered a guy on the way back. And they asked him, like, what kept him?

And I took a clip. It's so fucking good. You all right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, then what the hell took you so long? I ran into a couple of mutants. It should have been something, right?

Like, he should have said a random thing about the biggest fan or had to talk with a guy My unconditioner looking anything. He's just like a stupid cow the monster met up dimension X We were invading the road It's what it mean by like he plays everything as annoyed and sarcastic in this episode I granted him what the fuck did you know that? I told you I was going to do that. The only thing we saw that I could. So he that's that's like it. He zapped through. That was the final confrontation was anonymous bad guy that gets pushed into a fan instead of the monster. Yeah, instead of anything. There's never been less stakes in anything. He just savers back to the time. And then he does.

Yeah. And then we're done. Imagine, imagine Taylor trying to explain this. They're like, all right, well, David Hasselop's going to jog through this future apocalypse warehouse, but pursued by solar, bag mutants and possibly, possibly giant seagulls. He's racing the collapsing time portal so we can get the time lost scientists notes about how to avoid the apocalypse back to his own timeline. And then imagine like explaining that in 1973 to the lifeguard that wanted to pitch a life

guard show. You're like, no, no, this is the same show. It's the same universe. This is where it ends up. I know you want to pitch your lifeguard show. This is what Howard ends up. Oh, I think. And just to like make it worse, we're like, okay,

this is fucking crazy. It's all for nothing. The notes are, they're all completely burnt up. And then they look at these scorched papers and somebody says, the metal and the binder. No idea what the fuck that means. Was that something to left out? Or something I missed in a std?

I threw on pedal, I don't feel like there's a woman in the video. I think all of this. This is one of several places where it feels suspiciously like pages fell out of the script at some point. And no one noticed. You think, Dave Kasselhoff's little suicide girl's

choker isn't made out of metal? There is a scene cut where Numi and his predator costume shoots a fire breath at him. And he has to protect himself with the notes from the futurist. Ah, it was very meaningful. It does feel like the most actually ex files piece of the show though, because much like ex files like nothing is resolved. Literally nothing got done. Yeah, all the evidence just this was was not. Like nothing. Yeah.

Right. And also, you can never use the skeptic character again, because he has now been thrown in through time into an ultimate dimension where he pushed a solar mutant into a fan and then jumped back through the portal. Like, and he gets it now. And then he's seen two episodes, and there are many more, where he never drops that character.

It's very strange. but it's very strange. And they live in a city with a string of vampire murders that many people witnessed. Yeah. Yeah, they fought. Where wolves, they dealt with like demonic possession, like, yeah, but unflagging his resolve to not believe anything or care. I love that earlier in the, I think it's the vampire episode, Ryan, the, those female scientists character, calls new me at the life house station looking, looking for Mitch.

So they even like acts any, any pretensive like, no, this is a different like universe using some of the same cast they're like no no He's still the lifeguard Baywatch is still happening over here Yeah, and then if you just go like a mile inland. It's where wolf country what the one of the Final episodes of Baywatch nights One of the main cast characters from the mainline series, Stephanie Holden, dies in like the second to last season.

They bring her back as a ghost in one of the final episodes of Knights. It's really, it's really good. But it's like the threads are so thin at that point. They're so tacit and pulled so taught the connection there. But they, I feel like they were desperate to remind you like, no, no, we have roots in like a real TV show. Like, right. Like they would sprinkle it through still, but all cast has been

excised like no one other than Stephanie ever from the from the actual Baywatch show ever makes an appearance in season two. It's, yeah, it is really fun. Yeah. And these two episodes, I did recognize some of the names of the credits and that none of them were in it. It is really funny. It is really funny. And how in these two episodes, I did recognize some of the names in the credits and that none of them were in it. It's like they're still...

All these beautiful women from Baywatch listening to the credits, you're like, yeah, Donna Dereco, like yeah, she is like in a bunch in season one. She walks up more locks maybe. Special appearance, as a more lock. The glamorous Donna Dereco. special appearance as a more like the glamorous Dada Dierko friend more like one. The guy who is a gardener in Baywatch.

He's like a cop who rides like a quad bike around the beach for many many seasons. He's in um crap. What's the actor's name? He's in the righteous Jim Sons now. Anyway, he had a prominent place in the first season of the show and they dropped his ass too and I think they still even kept him in the credits for some reason. It comes back as a ghost. Quad ghost. Maybe it's like one last clear guess.

Oh, shit, I'd watch Quad ghost. I would watch Quad ghost for sure. So, earlier, Angie said she loved Mitch. Ryan, I'd write a character to him. And so now he uses that to like move in on her for not love but casual sex. Because now he kind of holds all the cards. He's like, hey, now I know you're into me.

And so he starts to do some real sex pasty shit. And that's how they go out. Here it is. And so he starts to do some real sex pasty shit and that's how they go out here this You really love me Go away. No, I'm not gonna go away because if you really do love me then we should make the most of the present and do something about The future you did say you love me I'm not giving up on this one. Now come on. You said you love me You did I know maybe it was a moment of weakness. You did. You said you loved me.

Sexually, we'll go version 2. Get a phone. Haha, I love it because it is so funny. Haha, I have many defenses for exactly this type of thing. Haha. Yeah, I recorded the whole song. We're going out on it. Haha. Yeah, I record the whole song. We're going out on it. I love it. There's like that guy at the background, the saxophone, there in this whole part.

And then it will be turned. And then it can, though. Then it will be turned. It has a lot half slipping through the steam Emerging from the mist Sexual trash ninja super bird no super bird worked all I got super bird, we're told. Look at super bird! Lots of the budget for super bird! I should have paid it for super bird tanks! Super bird diarico!

Hey man, like Edgisins? Omelette! I don't even know what that means. I got said I'm very sleepy. I just thought maybe all the celebrities would have their eggs in the episode. Like super-burk. Ich stehe Hundert Frankfurt in der Podcast-Kanal, und mich maximal im Schaum. Lock Frankfurt Podcast, Kundeck, ja! Die Praxis, die Traxis, die Uner, schick die in der Hundezau, die Ohrenestunde,

Kupchon, du Kids in der Waffe. Ich stehe Hundert Frankfurt, ich stehe Hundert Frankfurt, ich stehe Hundert Frankfurt, It's the 9000 annual Monster Dog rally supreme, the only monster truck rally where the trucks are also huge angry men and also hot dogs plus at least one other thing. Maybe more, always more, all your favorites are here. Three finger-lui, the only truck that plays the blues! Aaron, Crustin, Adrian, H, Aiden, Moat, Alpha, Scientist, Javo, Sworn, Truck, Enemy of Dr. Truckopolis.

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