The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 142, Hardcase with Lydia Bugg

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

Seanbaby assembles "The Squad," an elite podcasting unit consisting of Brockway and guest, Lydia Bugg. They are immediately slaughtered while reading Hardcase, Malibu Comics' most privileged coward superhero written by a dead Libertarian idiot.

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Welcome to the Top Zero 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-hott.com, the final comedy website. We are supported by patrons like you, so please go to patreon.com slash 1-900-hott.com to support our All Star Cast of Comedy Writers. I'm the internet shunbaby, and with me is Dick Baskitguides, fifth hottest water skier, Robert Brockway. Aw, me and fifth. Never gonna work my way up. I'm Robert Brockway, here's a Brockway fact. Much like the subject of today's podcast,

I was also a member of a super team that got destroyed by evil, and now the survivors are just trying to pick up the pieces. I don't think anybody needs follow up questions for that one. Yeah, I think we all know what you're talking about. Um, our guest is the hardest of cases. She's our own and our fantastic Lydia Bug. Thank you for having me.

I was also coincidentally part of another superhero team that was destroyed, except for me. Congratulations. Another unrelated one. All survivors, all survivor podcasts. Everybody's got a tragic backstory. I like the idea that our tragic backstory is just that like the media landscape we chose to work in keeps imploding.

It's what a tragic, like it's like, in a sexy way, but it sucks a lot. We had no one got their legs torn off. Hey, listen, you know what happened in the comic book we are discussing today? A robot came in and destroyed the entire thing. Oh, just like what's happening. Just like what's happening.

Just like what's happening. Layers and layers to this podcast. I, it never occurred to me that we are doing an allegory today. Today is a full allegory day. We all Lazarus pitted our careers back into existence. Well, before we start though, Lydia, do you have anything you'd like to plug? Yes, I have a short story in up all night.

It's an anthology of horror shorts from Eric Gumney, who is also a cracked freelancer back in the day. And it's being released October 24th, just in time for the spooky season. Nice. You've always got such fun coherent projects to plug. Like most people are like, oh shit, I don't know.

You're like, oh yes, I have a short story. I have a comic, I have a book, you know. I always try and make a point to like make a little note. Like the reason you're supposed to do podcasts is to tell people about things. It's true. Ah, shit. Really? Yeah, we blew it.

Yeah. Oh, Rockweigh. Tell them about Big Feats. Oh, Big Feats. We have started another podcast that doesn't pay us. And in fact, we pay a lot of money to do. It's me, Sean, maybe. And Jason Pargin are watching every single episode of Mount Monsters, the Hillbilly Monster Hunting Reality TV show.

There's nine seasons of it, so we're gonna do this until we die. It's glorious, we're just getting into the, though really good shit when they find their flow and accused like, accidentally accused Mothman of doing 9-11 and shit, it's wonderful. It's the best goddamn time. Listen to Big Feats, leave a review, support it, do whatever. I remember to do the thing.

I can also endorse big feats. I've listened to every episode and it is, it is incredible. I'm an unbiased third party and I love it. They're just, we just released episode three, but it starts really kicking ass. Like episode four on is just like, they, they get the ball and they run with it right into bigfoot territory. That's amazing. I love that we like unashamedly love it. Like, in the Slack, like it's just very clear the three of us completely love this show

and like, I can't wait to talk about it. I saw today on the Mountain Monsters subreddit, they found big feats and somebody was like, what do you guys think of it? Surprisingly positive. Okay. There's only like five people in the entire subreddit. They found big feats and somebody was like, what do you guys think of it? Surprisingly positive. There's only like five people in the entire subreddit. So that's not like a huge bar. We have five out of five. But the only negative feedback was they thought me and you were too harsh,

but Jason was far on. Well, I think Jason loves the show more than you guys. I think he loves it more than anyone. Like he loves it more unironically, definitely. I thought he was just watching like his way. I'm friends with his wife. And she was like, yeah, Jason's been watching the show called Mountain Monsters for Hot Dog.

And I didn't know you were doing the podcast so I said, he's lying. He did what? He has not done a hot dog thing for that. He just loves that show. I don't know. I love it. It's hard to imagine somebody loving it more than all of us do equally.

Yeah. Maybe wear a little bit meaner about our love, but that's a personal problem. I feel like roasting is how I show my love. How bullying is... I feel like that's how toxic masculinity ruined my soul. Right. In particular. That's what's wrong with me.

I don't think you should blame that on mountain monsters. That's a meaning. I think that's a good segue into hard case. It's a good segue. Oh my god. This is the toxic masculinity comic book. It's 1993 and it will be forever. Okay. It's tough to know where to start with Hardcase because the comic didn't quite know where to start. Like it basically opens with his friends getting massacred, but let me tell you about Hardcase. He was a struggling actor and he got hit by an alien ray because in the Malibu universe, that's how everyone got their powers. I think they're called... It doesn't say. I mean, you get his origin story like book three or something. His actual like origin story.

Yeah, this comic is like 50 origins in one, except for how this fucking person is a fantastic power man. So I did external research to find out that he was hit by an alien right. His powers are being very strong and very tough, but later he was figured out that he was hit by an alien ring. His powers are being very strong and very tough, but later he was figured out that he's filled with something called new bow tech robots. So once they figured that out,

he could just do anything he wanted. He's just filled with like nanobots. And so if he needed a power, the nanobots just gave him a power. But for now, in 1993, he was just a strong guy in a world with none of those. I like that he managed to be out of ideas both ways, where it's like, I don't know, he's strong or whatever,

or he can do anything. Somewhere in there is an idea, but you manage to miss it both times and different directions. Right. But with just a touch of stupid in each one, he got hit by an alien race who he's super strong or he's filled with spiders so he can do anything. It's just it's it's it's creatively bankrupt but also very stupid. Well it's also like he's super strong except sometimes when he's not strong enough but

then like five minutes later he's strong enough. He's strong he'll be just fine. He's a part of the squad that's the name of the team they are. You probably know there's a squad in politics. It's basically all the non-white people, AOC, Illinois bar. And they stole that from Malibu. They stole that. That's a reference to all the kids. And if you tell them that, they'll give you the secret high five. They have big Malibu comics fans in Congress. I always thought that was a really uninspired name. Like when they called themselves the squad, I'm like, oh, that's kind of weak. And I didn't realize it was like 1993 Malibu comics

uninspired, like it's just a burn. That's a fucking bird. Yes, talk about hard case. The team is starburst and forza and DJ blast. And I just- Which one's black? I think every black person should get to slap the author of this book for the way it treats all people of color like I would like to mention in relation to that that DJ Blast real name is Jamal. Of course, of course. We should note that.

Jamal Blackman. And then there's another there's another black character later named Zipzap. Yes, that rules. Zipzap's a good name. That sounds like, I don't know the fucking name of Zipzap. Well, he's fast, so he zips out. Oh, okay, well that's perfect.

I think a fast character is really hard to name. There's a fast character named The Wizard, which really demonstrates how much they're out of speedster names. Is anyone used Quikki? Malibu definitely has. There's a Quikki. There's a Speedy, but that's an Archer, not even a fast guy. That's what I'm talking about.

That's a quickie. Oh God, that'd be perfect for 90s Malibu comics. God, so many quickie jokes. Well, just the one but every issue. Yeah, that's enough. The ones and all. I really liked how this team is so weird. Like Starburst. I don't even know what she does. I imagine she shoots. They never say Starburst. Yeah. She's already dead by like the time she's either like the one female character is. She's dead and like a gone with the wind sense She's just ruining dramatically in his arms and then has the decency to go into a coma when she survives so that the perfect woman He can have inspiration, but not have to talk to her. Uh-huh, and her costume is a pasty like that of course

Yeah, yeah, well spray paint and then a pasty on one that. Of course. A pasty prominently involved on her costume. Well, spray paint and then a pasty on one nipple. That's her costume. You already knew. When we said 90s comic, they already knew. That was her costume. Forza is, he's got like long sleeves, like dramatic sleeves on his unitard.

I looked him up, he does telekineses, or he did. He's dead. He's like completely torn in half on the first page of the comic. I thought this was weird because like this is an era where everything was an archetype, like a comic would show up and it'd just be like okay this is our Batman's, our Wolverine, our Superman, so what the fuck is a forsa? The guy did nothing, it was just mep to represent the idea of a superhero, but like I I don't know. Like, I get DJ Blast, he's an explosion powered party machine. For sure.

Well, like, no, wait a minute. But was his power just, he explodes? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. You got one shot if that's your power. There's a lot. Later on, they introduce a different team from a different Malibu title. And one of their guys is named Grenade. I'm pretty sure he also just explodes. I thought that guy just threw grenades because there's another guy whose name is like guns and he just has guns.

This is really just great guns. You did not have to have an idea to have a comic book. You could kind of start it and then maybe figure out an idea along the way but it was not required. I really do think that if someone met the X-Men in real life, they'd say, the grenades I'm carrying are better than your superpower. Like I feel like there should be an entry point to being a superhero where,

is this better than just being a guy with a handful of grenades? And if it's not, then you don't get to be a superhero. I don't know. I'm getting away from it. Some of them don't be at a car Like, are you better than a drunk driver? Because like, if a drunk driver can do the same thing, but you're about to do. Yeah. Yeah. There's a very low bar. Turned into a drunk car. A turbo T. I'd really drunk turbo T.

and X-Men. It's 1992 San Fernando Valley. Hard cases, costume is purple, yoga pants and an aquaman shirt. He's got Duke Nukem hair and a Duke Nukem face. And it opens on a xenomorph killing his friends. Like this is just like a cyber alien movie xenomorph. Yeah, they just painted it away. They painted it away. They painted it away. Yeah, from aliens, but it's got many guns and stuff.

They're right. Yeah. I mentioned creative bankruptcy, but this's got many guns and stuff. Right. Yeah. It's. I mentioned creative bankruptcy, but this is, I mean, it's not just an alien. It's, it's name is enemy. And I don't know if this makes it worse. I'd say it does. That stands for nano mechanized entity.

Yeah, it's worse. It's an alien named enemy. And it shows up in all of the superheroes are dead. This is literally the first thing he's fought with superpowers and you can't lose harder than this. His thought bubbles are in this order. It's killing my friends. It's killing my friends. And then he says, you bastard, I'll kill you. Yeah, the snappy dialogue in this one and this one is great. Yeah, the snappy dialogue in this one and this one is great. It's really something.

Multiple times the dialogue will be, you're a jerk and then the other guy will say, nah, ah, you are. You are. This has that thing you see a lot in bad writing where basically the guy's saying, I'm going to punch you. And the guy's like, okay, how do I say this? I'm gonna Fist ride my hands down your mouth hole, you know like it like this overwritten like extreme like nonsense

That I don't know I guess we were all 12 years old once but this was a grown man writing this was James Hudnell I have a lot about him. He's a real special character RIP, but what's a real piece of shit before you guys? What's it like? Everybody at Malibu, a real piece of shit? Like I was reading about the how Malibu got started and it sounded like it was essentially like a Ponzi scheme for comment, for comics that like accidentally became a real business. Oh Jesus, I don't even know about that. I know about Prime. Do you know about Prime? We can't talk about Prime. Yeah, we know we don't even know about that. I know about Prime. Do you know about Prime? We can talk about Prime. Yeah, we know we can talk about Prime.

And we're back from 40 minutes of talking about Prime. We cut it. Cut, cut, cut. No, the only thing I can quickly summarize, what I know about Malibu is that there was a comics distributor who was secretly investing in a bunch of small comics companies. And then basically when people came to him and were like, what comics are really selling?

He was like oh It's you got to get dinosaurs for hire everybody's buying that because he owned dinosaurs for hire And then when it came out that he was doing that he was like okay you caught me I won't distribute comics anymore. I'm gonna combine all these small companies that I own into one and we're gonna call it Malibu comics Okay, it was it started as a scheme and it didn't fool anybody. The second he said like, oh, dinosaurs were hired. They're like, and no, no, yeah. I caught you with something. Didn't I? I don't know what it is yet, but I caught you with something. No, but listen, they're dinosaurs. We don't, we don't get why. They were,

lady just did an article on this. They were originally supposed to be Elvis, and then Elvis splintered into several dinosaurs. And they're like- I see no herbards. Oh yeah. They had to- I was doing the ad for that comic and I was just trying to find like a funny panel,

like a, you know, ironically funny panel. And I found one where the dinosaur had dug through to China, no to Australia. Yeah. And was just looking up, skirt. His head was coming out of the ground, looking up skirts and he was like, ooh, your panties are white. Oh, your panties are red. Oh my! Because one girl didn't have underpants on

and he's like, it is a wonder from down under. It was so aggressively the saddest, most in-sale shit I've ever seen. Yeah. Just the Rob Schneider roll. Yeah. Yeah. Just popping out of the ground and naming panty colors. Yeah, I assumed that's why you wanted me to talk about Malibu comic because you could sense how frustrated I was with dinosaurs for hire. I was so pissed off at that stupid comic. Yeah, you would piss stuff. You took Malibu comics and broccoli. Malibu comics was Brockway's thing. I just bought like a hundred of them. I know I can't even do them anymore. No, you can have it, my friend.

I don't want it. You do have to toe in the water and you're like, Oh, this is poison. It's quicksand. Oh no. I took my whole toe off. You can have it. Back to the comic, DJ Blast has a plan.

He's going gonna try something now He only has the one power of exploding so even a hard case our dumb shit protagonist like knows what this means And that's all he needs to hear to leave like I would say Normally there'd be some pushback like you know, no don't you can't do this we've there's got to be another way Don't sacrifice yourself, but no he's gone the second he's like I'm gonna try something He's like yeah, my friends gonna explode, I'm gonna try something, he's like, yeah, my friend's gonna explode, I gotta get the fuck out of here. At least I can still jump.

And like, I could still jump. That's the thing I do. That's the first thing we see him do, aside from Suck. Like, we open up on him, having gotten the shit beat out of him. And then his first heroic act is to say, at least I could still jump. Well he leaves his friend to die. Yes. So DJ explodes under him and the caption which is still hard case his thoughts says I try to heal my friend's name but the explosion lots out my scream

which I just love so much. This is a medium where you could express that artistically. Like, he could be yelling out his name and have the sound effect covering the word bubble. I do that all the time with man comics. It's just a thing you could do in a comic and he's just bad at the media, the medium, I guess. Yeah, it reminded me of like silver age comics when they were getting stuff from like the radio, you know when they were Yes, so they're like describing everything that's happening. Yeah, and you're like dude. This is a visual medium my friend You don't got to do that. You don't got to tell me I guess I grew up in the era of Chris Claremont X-Men where

Every time someone did something they would narrate it out loud So to see someone internally narrate it, felt so already broken, but then to do it in a way that wasn't necessary. And I don't know, just took, it's so stupid. Like if you're thinking the readers involved in this drama, I assure you they were not even in 1993. Like this is all falling flat.

Poor DJ Blast. He went out big. Our hero lands at the beach, of course, with a hot bikini girl running straight into the background. Which, I mean... First of many. First of many, many of these panels will just have a hot bikini girl or like a sexy secretary

with her tits bouncing, even though like maybe his best friend is dying. You're like, still got to drown them titties I Have a I have the comic open so I might be able to verify this But for now I want to say that every time someone is knocked into another room There's a hot girl like heaving or chest at the at the reader. That's I think it's 100% So now we get a newscast 30 people were injured in the blast, but the only deaths were

Forza and the guy who exploded. And I guess enemy, they got enemy. Oh, and can I just note that they did this thing that Malibu does all the time that is hilarious to me where the superheroes are strong, but their outfits are not. So his sleeves get blown off in the explosion, but he's fine, but his sleeves gone, most of his shirt gone. There was a thing that a hack artist did at the time, which was like they thought this tear and the clothes looked really cool.

And so you see Rob Liefeld do that. Jim Callahan drew this and he's kind of Liefeldy. Rob Liefeld, it's got that stank all over this. Like, from the outfits to the naming conventions, this is somehow Rob Lifeld without all the good ideas. Yeah, and like hard cases, enormous thighs that are like practically deformed because they're so big.

Like he literally draws a character that's so Rob Lifeleld, he names him Gunnut. That's it, yes. His powers I have guns. I looked at him, it's not just guns, it's his name is Gunnut. But I mean, Marvel has dead shot, so can we really complain that much?

Yeah, Gunnut's worse. Yeah, I think Gunnut. I feel like I'm okay with a guy whose power is gun, because it's hard to shoot a gun perfectly accurate I mean they have archers a guy with a gun is A guy but he had a gun. Yeah, that's like much better than a bone. Yeah, you can't shoot a net generally But whatever you you fucking get it He's now in the hospital with

Starbursts Our beautiful coma victim, but doctor comes in and asks what did it? Even though this was theoretically all over the news, it's the alien from the hit film aliens in the center of the explosion recently covered by the local news, you dumb fucking asshole. But hard case doesn't know,

despite how I just said, it's the main creature from a very popular film franchise. He's like, man, I don't know what killed us. Oh, it looked, God, I can't even describe it. The alien aliens, oh, thank God film franchise. He's like, man, I don't know what killed us. Oh, it looked. God, I can't even describe it. The alien's maleants. Oh, thank God. Yes, there's something.

Some point of reference we can all share. It cuts to a year later, and he's doing superhorses. Punching through a wall, but oh, here's the reveal. It's a film set. He's a movie star now. He's playing himself in movies. Because he learns that super heroing was too hard. It was too hard.

And no one cares. Like that's the weirdest part to me is that if Superman was like, guys, I really got beat up. There's some kind of idiot monster out there that can destroy anyone in the world. I will not be looking for it. I'm gonna go be an extra on the sopranos. Like, nobody cares. Everybody's like, oh man, that must have been really hard for you when that thing killed all your friends. But they're not concerned about it. I just, I love that he specifies in the comic book. It was the first thing we thought that actually had superpowers. So up to to then we were just like punching a gang member into this and we were like

this rules and the first thing that fought back we lost really hard and I quit I'm your hero everybody welcome to my comic book it's the worst story like how is that not it's like a reverse save the cat like he comes out he kicks the cat out of the room and you're supposed to like him Oh, don't worry. You'll like him because he's incredibly rich and he loves to flaunt it He's that yeah, he's a Likeable character you've ever ever made Ruponita and he wrote ponytail

Now he has ponytail even loves the buzz cut, which I kind of liked him for And he grew a ponytail. Now he has a ponytail. He even loves a buzz cut, which I kind of liked him for. Yeah, everybody loves him and thinks it's great that he's like doing him. Yeah, his co-stars are these two hairdressers, just these beautifully-made, like, muscle men. And when they call cut, they're like, wow, it's so cool working with you. I can't believe how much you can jump. I love you. And then I wrote down the word bubble. He says he says I was gonna take a break suck down a pela grino

Suckin down a pela grino You know like that bunch John John Bon Jovi song real relatable every man shit here Just just me and the boy sucking down pela grino's John Cougar Jovi Just me and the boy sucking down Peligrinos. John Cougar Jovi. Suckin' down at Peligrino. Every time I get him backwards, I'll never, in my life. You'll never get him right, that's fine. It's such a strong way to say such an important plot point.

Like you need to have the character drink something, but like suckin' down at Peligrinos is just like the coolest way to say it. That 90s attitude just establishes it right there. Why would I say drink some water when I could say suck down a pelagre no. He's so fucking cool. That's what a cool guy would say. He thinks writing this at home. I worked at an ad agency for like one year before my website made enough money to quit

and that's the kind of pitch we would get we'd get someone's like we want something with a lot of attitude something like suck down a pela grito so I've been there I've seen the this is a final draft that this was not the first try he had a lot of like oh gonna fucking deep through to parry eight. No, it's too alluring. It's too alluring, James. Justin Cutner is, he's in the, his trailer, hard case is trailer to say, I counted the lines in the script and I see that I have fewer lines. So I want the same number of lines. Maybe more lines.

This is how a baby might think about filmmaking, but this really plot heavy comic, and they stop for like four panels to explain this. Well, yeah, and the guy's plan is to bully Superman into giving him more love. Yes, yes, because he knows that he used to not be Superman. I remember when you weren't Superman, you used to deliver pizzas. Back before you were a world famous movie star superhero. Ha! I have the upper hand. Plus he's a psychic in the movie.

Like the script pretty clearly identifies him as a psychic and hard case counters look like, but you are a teen heartthrob in the 80s and you're career faded when your face cleared up. BFD, that's a direct quote. I don't, I wouldn't, to normally talk so cool. So I guess this guy's like a Cory Hayman, a Cory Feldman.

I thought it was Robert Downey Jr. I thought it was. At this point, you gotta remember in 1993, that's how they thought of Robert Downey Jr. at that point. I suppose. Yeah. I guess he had like more of a pathetic vibe to him,

which made me think the Cory's. Yeah, I thought Cory's. But that would never that cool. He's like, I do not think the Corey's. Yeah, I thought Corey's. But that would never be that cool. He's like, I do not think I'm going to go to the producer with this note to double your lines so that you have more screen time. Plus, I don't think that's how writing movies works. Yeah, is it?

So anyway, it didn't work. I think that's supposed to establish how cool he is, but that whole conversation really sounds like, when someone thinks like, man, this is what I should have said. You know, like. Yes, yes, this is like James Hudner working out some shit he had in fourth grade. Oh, remember that bully said to me,

oh, I should have told him I was sucking down a pela greeno with his mom. Yeah. It's gonna tattle to the producer. He's like, excuse me, producer, me want more lines? Super hero star, used to deliver pizza, giving my lines now. I don't know his plan, but it gets interrupted

by a cop asking for hard cases autograph. And now we're stuck with a really heavy-handed couple of pages where the cop's like, hey, why'd you stop being a superhero man? And as Brockway explained, it was hard. He as soon as he found someone in superpowers, he got fucked up. He actually says that to the cop.

He says like, in so many words, he says, ooh, it was real hard. I quit because it was hard and I got hurt. Yeah, I can't win a fair fight. You get it. But like, he's a wh to do a guy who's like, buddy, you're describing every cop who has ever lived. Like, this is just a normal thing.

This is like the shittiest people I work with do the thing you say is impossible every day. Yeah. I mean, kind of, he kind of gets the cops sympathy. Why? Why? What is happening in this come? I actually found this part. If they would have ran with this, I found this part kind of gets the cops sympathy. What? What is happening in this come? I actually found this part.

If they would have ran with this, I found this part kind of refreshing. Like, what if there was a superhero who got superpowers and realized it doesn't make him good at it. And so he just really didn't want to do it anymore. Right. Like, he's just kind of a coward.

Well, meta-ironic commentary on super heroes or something that should have been done 10 years later. But no, you're just supposed to feel bad for them. It's not like a matter of, I've run a commentary. You're supposed to be like, yeah, you're right, when things are hard, you should quit. I do think this idea has been explored where like a superhero is too powerful that they're worried about it. Like, like, they're so strong, like, they tore a kid in half, or like, they let me to, let me to kid. and that's why they don't want to be a superhero. It's like I can't every time I punch someone they die. That's really fucked up for me.

Well like and I can see that being fine with everyone if he had defeated the thing that killed all of his friends, but I just don't see how the whole world isn't like, um, we're really worried about that alien looking thing you guys fought. That is very much still out there somewhere. Yeah, there could be a second one of those. Yeah. Maybe don't leave that for the police as you have just specified literally anybody else with superpowers. You're very scared of them and you don't want to fight them.

We understand. So here's a real strange thing I want to get you guys take on it. It says while he's talking to the cops, it says elsewhere. And there's a guy named Mr. Loan and he's withdrawing his entire $5 million bank account from the bank. And he tells the teller, I got a limo waiting with two Laker girls. And the banker like has no idea how to take this. I don't feel like this was in any way related to the story. No, I assumed it was from another comic or something.

Like this was another super cool playboy from another Malibu comic. Okay, that could be. I thought it was just- I think it's just what a nerd thinks Hollywood is like. Right. Yeah, that's it. Like he didn't know what how movies might be made. He was just guessing.

And this is what he's like, if I was rich, this is what I would say to the man at the bank. But I don't think he was just guessing. And this is what he's like, if I was rich, this is what I would say to the man at the bank. But I don't think he was even involved in the movies. I think this is just a completely unrelated, like, rich guy just doing super cool shit. Because I think James Hutton will thought like, this could be anything, right?

I might as well make it the coolest thing ever. And he brings in a big briefcase for them to put all the money in. Yeah, fill that with cash for the Laker Girls. I got in a limo. Now the coolest thing ever is like, is like when dark side, but also to the Joker shows up. Yes.

I see I took him as like a lobo Grinch. Yeah. He could be lobo apocalypse. Okay. So yeah, the heavy metal Grinch barges in and he's like, everybody on the floor, I'm taking this place down, which is a very confusing thing to say, what probably is a bank robbery? Maybe, I don't know. So we cut back to the movie, Hardcase is still complaining to the cop, which makes it feel like he's been doing this for hours. Like it's gone on for three pages and we've cut somewhere else and come back.

So as a reader, I'm like, God damn it, this fucking cop has to get back to work, Hard Case. I got a girl, man. Like, can you make that out to Billy? And I think anyone who's ever read a comic, we'll see where it's going now with a cop is like, a bank robbery, do you want to help hard case? If not, me, this innocent person you've grown to love, it's gonna go take care of it without you.

And hard case is like, yeah, you got this. You got it. Good to care it. I love that he just invites this guy along, even if he knows his super power, he's like, do you want to come and like hang out at this bank robbery? He's like, he's like, he,

do you want to go bowling real quick? And also kill a guy? Yeah, because if that were a normal bank robber, hard case could just obliterate the. Yeah, like he should be fine, but he's like, no, I'm too scared, what if they, what if they're a super powered alien from space?

Like I feel like you could take that chance, but sure enough, it really is a super powered guy. But what I liked about it though, is hard case is such a like, wispy little mouse, like he's like, I don't know, I think I'm supposed to stay on this set. I don't think I'm allowed to leave. Do I even for a bad robbery, Mr. Police?

The cops says, and I quote, suit yourself to care. Just adorable. You just must to get out of there. Shitty of heart, baby. It's been an hour and a half, listening to the new sad sack. About the time you got me it up.

All right, take care. Thanks to the autograph. You probably forgot the autograph. Just a really make hard case cry. Could you make that out to pussy? I mean, peedie. Peedie is his big hot dog. I'm sorry, hard case.

Freudian slipped. The security guard tells the green guy to put his hands on his head and the green guy like explodes his skull and says, oops, you met my head, not your head, sorry, ha ha. That's the level of wit we're looking at here. That may be one of the best lines in this series. I don't disagree. I mean, it's, I'm not saying it's a good line.

I'm saying, like, this is peak performance. There is in like issue three, someone says, I'm gonna eat you for breakfast, and then hard case says, no, I'm making toast. No, it's hard case says like your toast buddy, and the other guy goes, nah, I'm making breakfast. That's what it is. They're both good, either way.

It works. It's magic. It works in the like exchange. That's what it's so great about it. It works both ways. Every single exchange would end like with both of those people like kind of looking down going, oh shit. We really blew it there.

Let's start over. Let's start from the top. I'm mad at you. Okay, so next to the green guy says, I want saxomoney pronto or you're going to be wearing your intestines for a necktie. Just top notch writing. Okay. So he throws the manager with far beyond lethal force.

Like he, this motherfucker goes 80 feet before he hits the wall. He's dead. He's not going to get your saxo cash. Yeah. Uh, the cops show up and we go back to the set. Like we are just bouncing between these locations. Uh, hard case. here's the gunshots, and he leaves the directors like,

dude, you can't leave. You were right earlier and he goes, do you have what he says? Bill me? I mean, he screams, Bill me. Oh, Bill me. Everybody, we cut away before everybody on set goes, that fucking asshole.

Fucking asshole. And you know that like, if they set goes, that fucking asshole. That fucking asshole. And you know that like, if they bill him, that's gonna be six figures. Like a day of shooting a huge blockbuster's not like, oh yeah, cool, bill me. Oh, you're forgetting his primary cool guy personality trait, which is I'm very rich and I like, I would like for you to know that.

His Pellegrino budget alone on this movie is like a million dollars. So much so good. You got any idea how many Pellegrinos I suck down a day. I suck a factory draw every single day. With Laker Girls. He says to the reader, I can do about a mile at jump. And then he starts juggling, he jumps jumps and he just launches towards the bank. Like picture yourself in a crowded city,

look towards the bank and just leap. Now to the artist's credit, when he lands, he explodes like a mortar because that's how physics work. And I wanna talk about this just for a second, this is napkin math, but a human man jumping a mile, he would land with a force of about 15 civil war cannonballs. There's not a place in a crowded city you could do that without just killing dozens of people.

It would be almost a 9-11. People would talk about it. The day the superhero fell from the sky and exploded the M&M store. It's a crazy thing this man is doing. Yeah, and he lands in the middle of a busy street too. Like it. Yeah, like he didn't do any math before he jumped. I bet he leaves a sinkhole behind that will that they will crash into. I see something else from this, which is that he can hear crime, which is never like explain that I've or mentioned before and

after. But that also means that this entire time, he's been intentionally ignoring crime, he has to listen to it all the time. So it's like, exactly like Superman, except for if he could hear everybody being like, Superman, please help me. And he was like, no, not to. I'm gonna make a movie, sorry. Which, I feel like is something they should explore.

I think Mark Wade did the Irredeemimbo was like that, where he made a Superman character that like, could hear everyone talking shit about him and like lost his mind. But I do feel that'd be stressful. Superman trying to take a nap and hearing people cry for help the whole time. And if you can hear gunshots in LA,

like I feel like there's not a tiny, tiny amount of that in LA. He'd be jumping everywhere all the time, looking for the, did someone shoot a gun around here? Like no, like no we were no it's a car back firing you you killed my family When you landed the guy Has killed the cop that he was just talking to and he's just swinging around by the neck So this is obviously just Peter Parker's origin. This is Uncle Ben getting like

Manhandled his corpse being man handled by and this is Uncle Ben getting like man handled, his corpse being man handled by Lobo Grinch. Well, that's, I mean, this is so crazy too, because all of his friends died, and then he met this cop for like two seconds, and the cop dies, and that's, yeah, like the impetus for everything. It's like, did you hate your friends?

I would like to interject real quick. In issue two, he does attend the cop's cops funeral and we learned that the cop, the second black guy that has been in this comic book was also named Jamal. That's really. No. They were both named Jamal and he killed both of them. Actually, the cops name is Jamal Brown and he did. Wow.

That's a, that's a very black name. Good job, James Huddinal. Dear God. It's a name you would not catch a white guy with probably He put two black guys in this comic five pages apart what once Jamal the others Jamal The other is Zips act don't worry. They're broken then you'll never see him again You will be shocked to find out this person was in real life a flagrant racist I will not be shocked to find out this person was in real life a Flagrant racist. I will not be shocked. You can't make me. I'm gonna Google if zip-zaps real name is Jamal because I bet you My god, yes, everybody's a gem. I'm very interested in this. There's another scene There's clearly no way we're going to get to it, but way way later

There's another thing where where that cops brother becomes sort of an important character. And they see him, they talk to him and he's like, hey, watch my house real quick, and then they take off and they come back and nobody is watching the house. And they go to the station because he's also a cop. And they go to the station to yell at the brother, and it's even drawn as like a totally different black guy. Like, he's 10 years older, he's 100 pounds heavier, he's got a different haircut, he's got a mustache, and they're like, why the fuck didn't you watch my house? I've never seen you before.

So like, even in the comic book, they don't recognize, they can't tell the difference between black people with radical differences, and he even gives them an out, and it's like, so you're saying somebody that looked exactly like me, was that your house, and they're like yes That is wild his name is Leon, so man Better not tomorrow. Okay. What that's it. I say you get one Jamal. Yeah, one Jamal

Yeah, you name two Jamal back-to-back. You got a problem. It's the maximum Jamal rule. As the only black character is absolutely. When you kill both of them, we've got to talk about some shit. Ridley enough you get five zips ass. You can name a clock is checking on that one. Eventually we will understand your name wrong. If someone's a starburst you can't have a skittles. These are the rules. So hard cases pissed. He's like, like oh damn, and I fucking knew that guy

He says put him down put him down. He's super serious about it and The guy throws him at him. He says you want him take him and hard case things while he's still flying at him He goes he's dead It just now it turns to him that he's getting a corpse thrown at him. I love it. I love that that thought entered his head. Like you can just see he's like five pages behind the reader. Like hard case is so fucking slow in his own story. I don't love the performance of that because I didn't read it that way so it really really really added something to it I bring a theater to the comic

I'm not gonna even try with the slime the bag. I says come to daddy schmuck And in hard case it's his worst fear. He instantly realizes this guy is as powerful as him. And then he says, only one way to find out. And he kicks him in the dick. And this launches him into an office. And did you notice what was in this office when he launched him into it? I'm gonna guess either a hot girl

or a guy named Jamal. It was a very hot lady, yes. Yeah. Yeah. A couple of sexy, chesty hot girls working in the office. The next page is just the bad guy jumping because they got to reveal his name.

This is it. People are gonna remember the first appearance of this character. Lydia, do you wanna tell everyone his name? Head knocker. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. He says it like the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Like what is this reveal? I thought surely even in this comic book, like at least Hard case was gonna be like, really that's your name or somebody was gonna laugh at him or something, but no, everybody's like,

that's really cool, that's roll with it. Yeah, it knocker rules. Like, but they reveal it as if it should have been forced or DJ Blaster. You know, one of the characters we know, but it's just a completely new guy with a completely stupid name. He knocks hard case out on the street, like just dead. And the caption just says, he's more powerful, which I thought was cute. Credit where it's due. This was like a little button that was kind of funny.

Except he ruins it by immediately after saying saying you're the one needing a tombstone Yes, like an instance of not you are So it's two pages and three panels too late like so you miss that you missed your mark buddy So hard case does to run away thinking I can't let him win can't fail this time and The readers like oh no, he's running away, but no, he's just going over to get a cop car to beat him to death with it. And so he beats him with a cop car. It's probably the patrol car of the friend

who just got kids. It is. It has to be. Are we really skipping past the dialogue where a head knocker says, where are you going, Wimp, running away? And then we cut a really cool panel of hard case lifting up the cop car and he's saying, not.

Yes, he says not. He says not. As he explodes the police car of his dead friend to avenge him. That's his line, is not. Can you do that to someone else's prompt? No, no, you can't. That's not how the works.

I, this is part of the maximum Jamal rules. You're not allowed to not somebody else's setup. I would like a better if it said like your mom, like just you are a period mom. That would be better. Yep, that would be so much better. I got a pillow greener to suck. You could suck pillow greeners and hell.

I think there's a lot of better options. So he's beating him with a cop car saying, I can't lose. Never again, never. God, just having a full emotional breakdown. One of the sand effects is chod. I just felt the need to. Yes.

That's the sand effect. Your dead body armor. Copcar makes us use, smash it into a metal grinch We all know that chun He has like an upside down anarchy symbol on his head too. Yeah, it's upside down. What is that? Because he wants order he wants he's a fascist not an anarchy. Okay Maybe now or maybe he's like half-satan half anarchy I just I don't think it was thought through. Yeah, I don't know. I just noticed. I knew he had an anarchy symbol

But I'm like, why is it upside down? It looks like a V No, yeah, it's gotta be like a church of Satan type thing. Okay, like an inverted pentagram. I don't maybe it's like a Jeep bumper sticker thing like He ends up upside down so often that it looks like the anarchy symbol the right way. Oh, right. He was, he was getting branded, but he also was doing cartways. Like, if you can read this, first of all, anarchy, second of all, tip me back over. That's what it is. We nailed it. So now he thinks looks like and then he says, I'm back to a newscaster. This is so much origin except for how he got his power. It's not like it's an origin except for his origin except for the one we care about. Most of it was lifted

from Spider-Man and the rest was just the alien from aliens killing a superhero team will never meet. Headknocker is alive and they're mummifying him with steel cables. They have a special holding cell being prepared for him. It seems a little yada yada to me that like there's two super powered people in the world and they're yeah, I guess we can, we have a cell that can hold the head knocker, right? Well, yeah. You tell me he can break through steel walls? Okay, we'll figure it out. Don't worry about it.

You think they would have some questions for him too, especially since they think that like all of the other heroes are dead. Like maybe he would think this is somehow connected to the thing that killed all my friends? No, he has no questions. He's just like, I captured him. Not. Done. Guess I'm a hero again.

He's obviously very bold like daytime smash and grab criminal. Where has he been for a year and a half, a giant seven foot tall green man? Yeah. He's just biting his time for this one perfect ice to where he runs in and just starts smashing people's skulls and asks for money. Are you kidding me? We're in like a trench coat and a baseball cap so nobody asked any questions. That's gotta be it. He's just an engine turtle in disguise. They're with Ron and Coleman. We cut to a nude man watching 56 TVs in a cave.

It's almost worked for word when I wrote that. I really thought he's watching like 50 television at the same time naked in a cave. What do you think? I thought they would explain why he was naked, but no, I mean maybe it like seven issues or something, but it's really quite a while if they explain it ever. I think they were going for the osamandias from Watchmen vibe, like, oh, he's so crazy that he's like, he's going to get naked and make it like weirdly sexual, but they never did anything with it.

It's just a single panel, so you're like, why, why, why, why show me his ass? What? It is just a man deus from Watchman. I've been if you held the panels up next to each other, it's the same pose and everything. The caption says, somewhat far away, deep down within the earth.

A man who isn't a man feels annoyed. He counter cut that with, feels annoyed. Like it's garbage anyway, a man who isn't a man is a, you're out of ideas halfway through your sentence, but then to be like, well, he feels a little annoyed. And then he sees on the news that like, head knocker got knocked out. And it says the man who isn't a man begins to feel angry

So we're getting a full run down on this guy's emotional states this nude man Anyway, he has some kind of a plan to kill half the earth that he wasn't gonna do until he saw The green guy get knocked out and he's like god damn it now. I have to kill half the planet Now I have read ahead a little bit and we do meet the man who isn't a man. It turns out his name is Rex and he's a little bit of Jeremy Piffin. Okay. That's what makes him not a man. That's not half man. He's like portrayed as a high-powered like executive in LA. Okay. Why are you hanging out naked in the cave then? None of this thing. None of this thing. Not PCU, Jeremy Piven, but like, Ontario's Jeremy Piven.

Yes. Okay. In the ill fitting suit. Jeremy Piven. Oh, he's like an agent and head knocker was one of his clients. Oh, and he's gonna go to bat. Can I wish my agent was like that?

So he gets like a cut of the, like head mangling bank robbery? Yeah, he gets 10% of that cop. He gets 10% of what your malls. He gets just a bit of the neck from the head he exploded. So here's some fun facts about hard case. That was issue one. That was how we're introduced to that character. That was it, you're sold.

You wanna know the rest of this story? Absolutely. His first appearance was it, you're sold. You want to know the rest of this story. Absolutely. His first appearance was technically in Prime Number One. He did like a little two-page thing where it was like, I'm hard case, I'm on the phone talking. And then it was like, you got to see hard case coming out next. It's like, it's maybe one of the worst ads that has ever been. But it's probably better than the short film they made about it.

There's a guy named Darren Dohn, he directed it. You may know him from some Cameron Christian movies. He did saving Christmas and unstoppable. He did a documentary about the death of free speech. It's called free speech apocalypse. He also made a 30 minute short film about another Malibu comic called Fire Arm. I think his thing is that he has guns. I wrote about that for the site.

For the one 900 hot dog site, go their neck. It's a great site. So the hard case movie is just Gary Daniels, who's kind of a be list like karate actor. And he's just running down this moist alley from some shadowy bad guys. And this is hard case. So remember, he's the only person in the world

with superpowers. So they shoot him and it heals, but it's so much worse than you could imagine. I want you to picture Gary Daniel so that a shirt, easy you're already doing it. Then picture someone rubbing a bunch of lipstick on one of his pecs and then taking a picture of that, wiping a bit of it off, taking a picture of that, wiping a bit of it off. You get where I'm going with this, but there's

only like two more frames. That's how they show him getting healed from the gunshot. Some fireballs go off. It's honestly insane how bad it is. There's no dialogue or sound effects. It's all just like DVD menu music. And then he beats up ordinary dudes using ordinary non-super karate with like slow motion arm locks. It's like guys kind of going through the motions of a shot setup and then they just kept it and then it kind of ends. And that's the hard case film. Sounds exactly like what hard case deserves. I read a few issues. Mostly I wanted to talk about that insane scene

where they mistake a man who is drawn completely differently. Which like, is somebody sabotaging him in the script? Is the artist like, gets that script and is like, yeah, you're a racist. I'm going to show everybody and prove it. Because otherwise, it's insane that he would be drawn completely differently and none of the characters would realize it Yeah, it is so weird

It's a bizarre decision or it could be like him acknowledging that racism exists which seems crazy and hard case is it Yes, I like to know there's a running bit that goes on through where he meets a girl named Choice, who is the superhero of a corporation, which is another idea that I thought was, if that was in competent hands, that could have been good. That's kind of what makes me matter that anything, when they do things that could be cool. I liked Choice 2, and then they just do nothing.

That's right. Well, they lifted the concept from what? Yeah, that's true. I liked choice two and then they just do nothing. Right. Well, they lifted the concept from what? Yeah, that's true. Like the naked man watching TV and again. Well, I just like the idea of her having the same name as the corporation that sponsors her. Like, yeah, Diet Pepsi, the superhero. It's pretty.

Because that's prescient. We're naming all of our shit now, like the Staples Center. Like, why not? Why not name them Staples? The Superheroes. Superhero named Diet Pepsi. I would dedicate my life to destroying this superhero. I would, I would make my self.

That would be your origin. I would be waiting for the headline that's like, Diet Pepsi killed three people today. Diet Pepsi explodes M&M's story. Begins the corporate wars. New superhero unveiled Eminem. I like the running bit they did where every time they're about to fuck

there's like a missile or a guy with a gun or something. Yes. They do it across the like four comics of every time they're like, all right, you wouldn't be getting this jacuzzi and they're like, oh, no, Dr. D.O.L. is fired to missile it us. Every time. It's a great thing.

Oh, hard case. Yeah, he's constantly trying to get her into a Jacuzzi in the middle of like their lives being threatened by monsters. He's really worth it. And she's like a high schooler. He's like, washed. So it's not okay. Yeah, she doesn't know who she is.

And he's like, we'll figure it out in the Jacuzzi. Yep. He has a high schoolers idea of sex where we're most of like a sexual relationship is about opportunity, not about like establishing a relationship. It's just like, oh man, if I could just get away from my parents and into a car with an impression of a young woman, fill the drugs. Who ironically, who ironically don't know, it's the layers, I don't want to know. There's also a bit where he gets attacked, they're just drafts of a robber. I felt character.

Like there's one that's just generic Spandex, one that's generic Spandex, but a couple of pouches, a couple guns, and then the next guy is all pouches, all guns. You can see him developing that. Goddamn, that Omega Force. It was like a perfect punchline, if you put it in the comic today.

Like you would just know that like the character had traveled through time to like a sarcastic 90s Disgopium when he said his name is gun that you're like yeah, all right, so long. We knows we already knew my brother's name is trouble That's not a joke that was his brother were brothers And then those are real names is Jamal Well, no, they're all white man. They get their own person. Oh, okay. Right. And then there's another issue where they meet up with another team, which is another

Malibu title called The Strangers. And somehow it makes hard case look better. I had huge problems with the women on the strangers with the names of the women like electrocute. I should get to... Because she's cute. Well, and the team name is the strangers, and her name is Candy, like her real name.

Her real name is consent. Candy consent. But you can call me electrocute because we don't talk about consent. Yeah. Very much the way. And the other lady's name was Lady Killer, which like, no, because that's a woman, see.

And she introduces herself as like, she designs fashions, but then she also uses them to fight villains. What the fuck does that mean? What are you even talking about? I thought their deal was that their powers all came from their suits. Like they acted like, I don't know.

They acted like the clothing was part of it to me for some reason. And I just wrote a real quick talk about Bob, the king says, I'm Bob, but you can call me Adam Bob. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's all around and that's where grenade is grenade is another member on that team just fucking One more and one more one more draft just after you write it down Drug drunk at the bar drunk at the strip mall video poker bar. Just just take a look at it before you turn it I'm grenade, but you can call me the illustrious grenade professor. I Know we say a lot of the website that we write about stuff that like cut came from the wrong dimension But Malibu really does feel like Marvel that is just one dimension off for Mars

Yep, it's like these guys trying for something and missing no matter what they try for there Like we're gonna make Marvel. No, I can't do that. We're gonna make like a cool version of Marvel. No Image comics put for like Nerds you've almost fucked fucked who got a finger in once. You're not getting it. Are just Rob Liefeld then. Now we can't do that either. Well let's talk about James Hudden all now, the person. He wrote one of my favorite comics when I was a kid. I love this comic called Strike Force Moraturi. He didn't start it, he didn't conceive it.

This comic had Brent Anderson doing the art at the beginning, who's a legend, that Astro City kind of has a Neil Adams look. And then Mark Bagley took over, who's another comics legend wrote, drew probably 500 Spider-Man comics. To be fair, I stopped reading when James Huddinal took over,

so I don't know if his run out of his good. I also count the vouch any of the one. I was 10 years old. I was kind of a dumbass, but So I just want to say like he's had a comics career and some of it is kind of You know respected like he's nominated for an Eisner for one of the things he wrote, but then he had a blog Called Hudd's blog O'Rama You knew it was called that. You knew. What year was it 1990, anything? Yes.

Yes, I was called that. And this ran until the mid 2000s, at least. I went on the way back machine and I just kind of picked a page at random. So I just want to go through what I found. It's very good. I don't know if this was a current bit he had, but he, the first

archival I saw was called anti-progress watch, and he was really, really mad at environmental legislation that would get in the way of the raw capitalism that was so important to him. So he had an article and it was about an environmental group in Switzerland that wanted to reduce the country's energy consumption by two thirds across the next 40 years. It was, I would say, way past nothing. It was absolutely nothing. It was well-intentioned people wishing things could someday get better decades from now.

And Huds Blagorama was like, fuck you greens. His quote was anti-technology, anti-futurist so-called greens want to take society backward, not forward, as I have pointed out many times before. Here's another example, and then he linked to an article saying very reasonable things about how maybe the world would be better if we weren't burning as much coal. In this one tiny part of the world, you have 40 years to comply with my polite request. As we would find out, no, we don't. Yeah, we don't. We will all be dead soon. James Hutt and I'll be

just to it. His next article, well, right under that was called The Other Terrorists. And this one, he was just mad at communists. It was unclear why he was mad at daddy Glover. He was mad at Oliver Stone who are quote lefty Castro groupies. Those are his words because he's a very good writer with excellent points. The next one was called bad news for Democrats. He says presumably two to Democrats reading his blog, importing more Mexicans won't save you if you keep losing everyone else. Oh God. Here's a Berkeley Democrat in Time Magazine of all places Saying why she's voting Republican So he found a time magazine like rage bait article fell for it completely and then does a thing You'll see from a lot of stupid people where he'll see one thing happen

That might not have even happened it might just be like someone saying it happened and you'll decide That is everywhere that one thing is a trend like multiply that thing I saw or heard about by a million and that's what we're dealing with And so he's just mad all day from just shit. He overhears from like reactionary madman So he's the like Alex Jones of comics Yeah, I guess or the Alex Jones of comics. Yeah, I guess, or the Sean Hannity maybe, like, or the Tucker Carlson, I guess, is closer because he's conspiracy theorist,

but not like they're gonna take our demons and the Democrats are gonna take our side of the deep into the center. The water's making the fracks gay. Yeah, yeah, he's not like that deep in the made up shit. He's the one, the other one's beat up. Yeah, yeah. Like Taco Carlson Exactly this little bow tie

I guess he hasn't worn that many years ever since John Stewart told him he looked like it's only truly at home in a lot The next article was Food fascists of the day now. I don't know if this is a current bit or if he's just doing his thing where he's like Oh my god, this is gonna happen so often often every day I'll have a new food fascist. So he says, one of the many reasons I didn't Clinton is he was slash is a nanny state endorser. Those are his words. I was very careful to read them exactly as written.

So he's not even editing this. He's really just just going at it. Ranting. So this was an article about Pepsi taking sodas out of schools, which I feel like it's close to objectively a good thing, but he's like so fucking mad. He's like, what happened to choice? It's like, buddy, they're nine. Don't let them choose Pepsi. They'll choose Pepsi. You fucking idiot. So this was food fascists, was Pepsi trying to make- Of the day.

They'll be back tomorrow, I promise. Every single day. They never were. What will it be next? You can't give kids poison anymore? Right. Let them choose. They might want the poison.

I would have never imagined that the author of an entitled white man who gave up when things got difficult and his main personality trait was I am super rich So everybody should do what I want. I never imagined he'd be like this Who could have seen it coming? Okay, I do have some fun ones in here though The next one was him chiming in on Taylor Hicks if you remember Taylor Hicks from American Idol from American I know yes he he had a lot to say about Taylor Hicks, all of it pro. Ten times longer than any other blog post. He's a Taylor Hicks guy.

What? What's the worst of American Idol ever? He was on American Idol and he had like, like, premature gray hair and he was, he did a thing called Soul Patrol. It's even he knew his stupid because he sang like kind of rhythm and blues soul music and he would be a Soul Patrol but he had a look on his face like, I'm really sad that I've stuck with this thing.

And people liked him on the show because like everyone else is singing like, you know, it is ailias songs or whatever, like songs for young women and he's like, whatever. So if you remember, he won American Idol. I think his album made negative $14 billion. Yeah, he disappeared immediately after winning an American Idol.

He's still working that off. He's never gonna get out of that debt. People were willing to spend $0 for Taylor Hicks. But maybe if James Hudd was still alive, he'd be buying those albums. I don't know. But maybe if James Hudd, no, was still alive, he'd be buying those albums. I don't know. But loved it. Very funny detail.

The next one, he praises the Iraq War Great job. Everybody, he's just really proud of all the good work we did in the Middle East. It makes sense, like, the way this comic treats cops, that he's a total bootlegger, that it's just like, oh, thank you for your server, sir. Yep.

I think I can tell by the way this comic is. Well, it's you bring up an interesting point because this next one is more overtly racist. It's called the white, yes, the white guilt albatross was the title of this blog post. Oh, and it's what you think He basically complains that our stupid politeness makes us too dumb to be racist, which is actually smart and good. It's just full on white nationalist, like non-race-mixing shit,

like how multiculturalism makes us so belkenized and stupid. Very, very racist. But I love it. Now, next one, more Taylor Hicks. You're never gonna believe this in 2006. Hutton all the writer of hard case found a flash game where Taylor Hicks is Pac-Man and that was his whole post of the day just fucking go Go check this fucking amazing shit out. That's the kind of Taylor Hicks flash game of the day Sometimes I think you should have to get like a driver's license to be on the internet

You know we should we should check if this is what you're gonna do and we should be able to say sorry you can't Yeah, you blew it license to blog is absolutely the name of one of these two thousand yeah It's racist racist racist Taylor Hicks racist racist Licensed to blog. They're trying to take it from me The next post after the the amazing Taylor Hicks racist racist. Lies us to blog. They're trying to take it from me. The next post after the amazing Taylor Hicks Pac-Man game, it's called a day without illegals. And this is, yeah, this was a quote from a very racist

politician who sort of wrote this rant about how if we could have a day where there was no illegals, this is what would happen. And he has like all these specific numbers. Like, I'm not kidding about these numbers. He said youth gangs would see their membership drop by 50%. Child molestation cases would drop by 34%.

Autothept by 40%. OBGYN clinics with free up space. It's just, I mean, it's so fucking, okay, you gotta give them that one. If they were objectively less posted in the world, they would need to be a pro-sacritor. I can't argue that. I would just love to see where they're getting this statistics because I know it is just so made up.

It is, like if you hear this and think it's true, or even possible, you have a fucking dog brain It is just like I like to when I hear a statistic like that imagine how they would collect it like they're going to all all these people's houses Being like hey are you a gang you're in a gang? Okay, cool and you're in a legal. Yes. Okay. I'm gonna put you down for both Your friend he's also in the gang is he legal? No, okay? Like could you pass these surveys around your history? He is going to know who's in G1 and he's... That's weird.

I'll write that down. I just want to watch some of these Latina ladies give birth. I have some questions for them. Yes, I'm a senator. Yes, Republican, how did you know? There's three more of them here. There's three more of them here. It's not anyway, it's just this the dumbest, the most racist thing that like is conceivable. Like it's just it's capped out, bearing the needle on racism and James Hutt and I was like,

hell yeah, great point. It just lets, let's fooling it for doing this. I think it's a block. I think you're get my fucking email. Do you think Taylor Hicks has a restraining order against this guy? What do we think the odds are? Here's Taylor Hicks. Anyway, this was page one of 235.

And I did not click on page two. That's all I have. I just wanted to share the writer of hard cases blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah The fact that does this guy's blog is the least surprising fact I've ever heard in my entire life. I was waiting for the turn where he turned out to be a decent person because I could have told you 100% of this just from reading an issue. No question. Maybe the Taylor Hicks would be a surprise. Yeah, that was a surprise. Although do we think hard cases of fan of Taylor Hicks?

Yes. Oh my God, we got to read all of the issues and see if he would be a member. Wait, I got hold on. I have to look up real quick. Is there a male of who comics named Soul Patrol? Oh, he died before he had to write it. Well, this was what like 13 years before American Idol. Yeah, if Hard Case had lasted that long, that long we would have gotten a Taylor Hicks appearance in Hard Case. Oh, my God. I love when celebrities show up in comics.

It's great. So I was like, hi, Randy Jackson. What are you doing here? I see you're up patrolling the city. Well, I'm going a patrol of my own. That's right dog. That head knocker, it's a big no for me dog. Maximum in Shao! Rock Frankfurt Podcast, connect! YAH! The practice, the practice, the order!

Shitty in the Honda Zone, Theo and the Standard! Cupshawn, you kids in the wild! I'm not a Honda! I'm not a Honda, Frankfurt! I'm not a Honda, yeah! I'm not a Honda, Frankfurt! I'm not a Honda! I'm not a Honda, Frankfurt! I'm not awinter, Frankfurt!

I'm Stagwinter, Frankfurt! For generations, the hot dog mountains have had more sight in some mysterious creatures than anywhere else in the United States. Now hardcore hunter and husky ninja shong baby, along with his partner, the chemically augmented trappist broccoli, are after the most dangerous, most mysterious creatures in the world. And the supreme. Brief finger-loy.

Air and crosting, known by locals as Medium Foot, Adrian H, Aiden Muwaff, Unending, Armando Knoth, Badger sometimes called old skunkfoot, Benjamin Siren, Bum Telsen, Brandon Garth, Brian Saley, Brian the Sailor. Brienne Whitney, Alpha Queen of the Demon Kiles. Burrito. Cerelle. Chance McDermott. Chase. The Mothfoot, whose daddy was Bigfoot, and whose mama was the Mothman. Chris Brower.

Clementine Danger. Craig Lemoan actually five Chupacabra snapped together like Voltron. Dan B. Devin, the rogue supreme. David Schult, the gooseboy of Smackamhala. Dean Costello, Dr. Otto. Gracie, original flavor bigfoot. Dusty's rad title, the new bigfoot, who killed original flavor bigfoot. Eric Spogman, every zee, the ghost, a Bigfoot. Fancy Shock, Garrett, Bigfoot Ghostbusters, Jello, Greg Cunningham, the Bigfoot Who kills Bigfoot Ghostbusters.

Hambone, Haraka, Harvey Panguini, the music-city wolfman, Hotfark, Ha, Javr Al-Aden, Jeff Eraski, Bigfoot's evil doppelganger from the dark foot dimension, Jim Sultard, John Dean, John Hector McFarlane, John McCannan, John Minkov, Joseph Seryles, whom locals call Chucklesfoot for his amiable nature and smiling feet. Josh Fabian, Josh Quicksal, Josh Asus, Joshua Graves, Ken Paisley, the Rhode Island boatfoot. K&M, Lisa, the big foot who got a truck in license and makes $1,500 a week, go on ahead and ask truck food how. Amjahish Pett, Mack Mizrable, sometimes called Glumfoot, sworn enemy of Chuklefoot. Matt Riley, Max Baroy, Michael Lair, Party Foot, Michael Wells, Mickey Loman, Mike Stiles, Mojoon, and D the Pittsburgh Wampus, the only encrypted known to steel catalytic

converters. Neil Bailey, Neil Shaper, Neku 104, Nick Ralson, Aussie Olin, the bigfoot who learned sign language and won't shut up. Patrick Harps, Rachel. Rev. Rehannon. Sarkoski, the reckless bastard who brought language to the feet. Sean Chase. Spotting reception.

Supernove. Ted H. Reverse possessed double bigfoot. That's right, he puts the spirits a two big feet in you. Thomas Kovatsos. Timi Leihy, Toastigod, Tom Sacula, Tom and G. Whaling Russell, the Whaling Wahoo of Walla Wall. That was a cute one, that was just for me. Yannis A. Ionakis, Yosari, and the biggest game of all, the last thing

can't was Bigfoot has ever seen in this battle world. They'd call him the Widowmaker if any Bigfoot hunter ever had a wife. He's the vile one, that old enemy. Alpha, scientist, Javbo. Whom locals call when they dare to speak of him at all? Jerkfoot. you