The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 153, Burt Ward's Erotic Memoirs With Michael Swaim

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

Seanbaby lures lascivious lads Brockway and Michael Swaim to his lusty lair of libidinous libations to read from the erotic memoirs of Burt Ward, TV's Robin. JIZZ. POW. HOLY FUCK this I'm not writing like that anymore.

One night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, one night, night, one night, one night, one night, one night, night, One nine hundred H-O-T-O-G Nine That night's a great power in the night It's not the size of the dull But how hard you can fight it You will survive or maybe not When you're in the dark zone. You gotta give it everything you have. One, nine, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, hundred, the official podcast of the final website, 1900Hotdog.com. Our brilliant writers are funded entirely through subscriptions.

That means you can help so easy by going to patreon.com slash 1900Hotdog. We really are beautiful oasis of creativity and hilarity in the war zone of our rotting internet. Speaking of the internet, I'm TV's Sean Baby and my co-host received an honorary doctorate in Hunk from the University of Dick Baskett Dr. Robert Brockway P.H. Hunk They won't let me do exams though with that they say they say it's not good. It's not technically a medical degree That's just a shit you let a hunk examine you when a hunt you let a hunk touch you wherever the hunk asks That's that's hunk. You let a hunk examine you when a hunk wants to hang in there. Yes, you let a hunk touch you wherever the hunk asks. That's hunk law. It's hunk law.

Coming this fall to CBS. I remember Brock, here's a Brock Wave fact. I fucked Batman. No follow-up questions. Our guest today is a filmmaker, a comedy writer, multi-hyphenate delight, and they are here to promote their new book. It's our different Michael Swim. Holy, baddering, bad whole broccoli.

Yeah. What an intro. Yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry, I didn't realize you were going by they'd them. I probably have fucked that up. No, no, I'm not. He just did that.

I'm a he. I saw you tweet about it. I saw you're getting like maybe a little more fluid with pronates. Oh, I like to play it safe. That's true. That was both true and a joke, you know, in the context of the column, I was using it to contrast with saying I'm a simple man comedically, but it is true. It does happen to be true. My partners they them, I am, I consider myself queer, but I'm still he, this is not what the podcast is about. Thank you for podcast. Well, the podcast is going to go places. We don't know that is meat famously toxic dude. Talking pronouns. You can't say shit anymore,

guys. That's the voice. That's the voice he does. So your new book, let's plug it. Oh, it's time. Okay. Thank you so much. So I'm going to take just a little bit of time to plug my book, The Climb, and it's my debut novel, Roberts Reddit. It's fantastic. Thank you, sir.

It's a memoir of sorts because it deals frankly with my alcoholism struggles with mental health, but also it's quite hilarious. And it's also a sci-fi fantasy epic. So there's magic and robots. So it's not exactly a memoir. It might describe me a right, Brockway. It's kind of hard to describe. And I'm describing it right, but I think maybe people won't believe you.

They'll be like, oh, it can't be all of those things. It really is all of those things. It's very like in the Vonnegut genre of just really playing with format and bouncing all over the place, but it's very cohesive and holds together. And it's you loved Ready Player One. That's right. You will hate this. Hi, praise and, Dave.

No, I'll take the Vonnegut comparison first. So if you're interested in checking it out, it's over at patreon.com slash small beans slash shop. And if you check out the thing there that's called demo, you can read the first 50 pages for free. If you get hooked it's right there. Mike, you're the best book I've read all year and the year is almost over. So that's a good one. That's that one means something. If I say that shit in January, it's meaningless. Right. High praise. Right. He's not. Hi, praise.

Fantastic. Today, we are talking about books in particular, very erotic book. Before we start, I want Swainbrockway. I want you guys to open a browser and look up, boy, wonder, my life and tites, and just to see what this book costs on any bookseller. Just wherever it comes up on the internet shop. See what the market puts it? From $40 to $105.

Yeah, I have $880 to 105. Okay. So it's a very rare book. It is. Very valuable book. That's the budget of our podcast today, because I tagged the book out of my book. That's the budget of our podcast today because I tagged the book out of my book. The caviar is coming out. Yeah, the caviar in that green room. So this is the 1995 Bert Ward tell all the sexual memoirs. Bert Ward, what he played Robin on the 1966 Batman TV show. Most people know this. He did not play much else. And so for 30 years,

he basically told and re-told these stories whether they're true or not, and refined them down, he worked with Stanley Ralph Ross, who he met on the Batman TV show, to make what I would say is the most erotic sexual memoir book of all time. In 1995, let me just read the disclaimer. It's both very serious, but also a little silly. No one under 18 should be allowed to read this publication. No one should turn these pages who was unaccustomed to written materials depicting sexuality, sexist views, and uncensored reality. They did not have quotes around reality, but I want everyone listening to know that I'm putting heavy quotes around reality.

Then it says warning, or rated, don't read this book if you are sexually conservative or erotically deprived. So this is a very serious disclaimer that he thinks is very silly, taken however you want, but this is definitely a hot dog, hot dog night's episode. Really nailing down is demographic of like, don't be sexually conservative, but do be sexist.

Yeah, that was the, that's almost like the data equivalent of your trigger warning or triggered much is, yes, I'm gonna be sexist. I love that man. It's funny because when a guy says, I'm not racist, you know, he's racist. And when a guy says I'm not racist, you know, he's racist and when a guy says I am racist You know he's racist there works both ways And I think it works here too. I think Let's see it starts off kind of like an ordinary memoir He talks about like how hot the actresses were on the show and how he got to talk to all of them He talks about some difficult shots.

Like, there's one that he's told many times about a drunk prop master who broke Union rules and exploded three sticks of dynamite right next to him and it like, really fucked him up. Like, I dropped a two by four in his head while he was tied to a table. Oh, is this, is this Gary Busy rules? Was he normal before this? Holy shit, you might be right. I think we found the origin story of this version of Bert Ward blew up the erotic center of his brain.

He was fucking against the palm tree and a coconut hit him in the head. All we need to do is hit Bert Warden the head of the shovel and he'll get back to normal. He also got lit on fire by PyroTechnics once. I have an excerpt here. I wanna read this just to kinda like get something out of the way that it's not like, just give your boners a rest. I don't wanna have everyone just be fully erotically charged the whole show. All right, I'll put it away.

Thank you. So, here we go. Ow! I winced as something hot, struck, and stung the inside of my right forearm. My skin sizzled. I didn't dare move my arm, lest I ruin the shot.

Then my left forearm started to sting badly, though not nearly as much as the right one. So it doesn't like just helping you understand where on his body he was hurting. It's good writing. I just use the word last, so you know it's good writing. Absolutely, absolutely.

I don't know how much he wrote versus his ghost writer Stanley Ralph Ross. Later in the book, you'll find them contradict each other a little. So I think this is Stanley. Generally, Bert only seems to come in when he's like correcting something to make him look cooler. So if he says, like, oh, it's stung. And then if there's a parenthetical statement and says, oh, it didn't sting that bad, I'm super tough. That was burnt. Every time it says parentheses 10 inches, that's part shot. Really, really, really badly because of

my thick muscles. That's burnt. Let me skip this paragraph because it's just him saying, bam, Kapow, Biff, boom, bam, stop already, stop, the explosion's kept on coming and coming. So he speaks entirely in Batman. Get used to that. Oh no, something began to burn through my green polyester bettronks. Eee! Holy, scorched, screwed, screwed, screwed, them!

This was more than I could stand and I decided to get out of there fast. Is that the whole book? Is that really the whole book in that voice? Oh, yes. Like when he does the Holy Blank Blank, it's all caps, bold. Um, wow. So, oh, that's acceptable already.

I've heard 20 words. Yep. I'm over it. One was last and one was scrotum. I'm done here. Like podcast. Lest my scrotum. I'm done here. I'm done. Less to my scrotum with a... 100, 100, 100.

Okay, I want to calibrate his sexuality now. Like, how sexily does he see the world? So, I guess what I'm saying is, like, if he kisses a girl in the hand, might he refer to that as a rampage of sexual compost? Probably, and I think I can prove it. So here's how he describes the Bat Tussi. Are you familiar with the Bat Tussi? Of course.

It's the dance. Okay, the little batting. The dance, of course. The famously-meamed Bat Man Bat Tussi. So this is Robin describing that. And what a way to go-go disco bar. Bat Man meets Molly, and she invites him to dance on the dance floor Jail's ample breasts struggle to stay in her low cut sequin dress a young crime fighter shouldn't be exposed to such sexiness

He was a 20 years old when they filmed this Bet Just going through puberty Right? Dance for my scrum brushed against the ground as my tiny live 20 year old friend. Yeah. A fully grown married man. Batman does the bettusi less than 15 seconds airtime and creates a fiora worldwide. Millions of girls fall in love with Batman.

Oh, yeah, it was like Michael Jackson introducing a moonwalk, dude. It's all you can't. You all remember when he like moved his fingers across his eyes everybody was doing that Begin getting Batman style haircuts and dancing the BatuC. I don't know what that means Your hair cuts. Yeah, thank they cut they've made their spray up the edges like a little Like a little brain maybe that's a little It was really just a Batman haircut and he got the reference like a little like a little like a little. Like a little brain. Maybe that's a little brain. That's what I'm trying to do. It was really just a Batman haircut and opening up the reference.

It was just trying to impress this girlfriend. An interesting piece of trivia is the origin of the Bat Tussie. Adam gets credit for creating the dance and I can vouch for that immediately after filming his suggestive cavorting. Adam rush to tell me the inside scoop. Last night I was humping a new-by-all-, and I had a vision of the Batucis movements. It's sort of a horrors on a mambaau. I listened and shivered. It was then that I realized

this cowled crusader really did have a secret identity. Adam elaborated, add infinitum, and add nauseam about all the sexual symbolism and double meanings that he had secretly injected into the dance. At 21, I didn't catch half of them. He prided himself that no one caught on to what he was doing, and with any luck, it would slip past the censors. Look closely at his motions, and you can see his symbolism and interpret it for yourself. For example, as he approached his Molly on the Dance floor, he begins a series of hilarious frontal bumps, tantalizing her. I wonder if he did those same bumps and grinds the night before to tantalize his date. So let me pause here and like just like get a

feel for the room. How how hot is this to you fellas? What a bizarre tone. I don't think I've ever encountered this with boom bomb Lest we ever find add in finitum my dick was in there man like it's every tone at once. It's amazing It's so much are you and I don't think he's legally allowed Like it's not true. So I think it's libel that he says Adam West talks like that like as I was, so I was pleasureing a new bio made it like a new bio young maiden. That I'll see you in court, sir. The idea that he couldn't embed that much meaning and a dance like a B or something

is incredible. Yeah. Like a B signalling out of fuck. I found fucking over here. Everyone follow me. Is there any dance symbolism besides just humping the air? What else could he possibly be doing,

but humping the air? Right? That's so glad you asked. I'm so glad you're asking. I will continue. He goes on like this. Then he raises his hands in a weaving snake-like motion on either side of his cowl to indicate his removal of his mask.

His hands recoil and snake up and down, simulating the removal of his clothes, and as he loves to say, his growing serpent. He then raises his cape, Dracula-style, to unfold it around her and draw her to him. This is a control move to show how he overpowers her, how her defenses and her will to resist him crumble, in realization of the unavoidable taking of her body, and, how her defenses and her will to resist him crumble in realization of the unavoidable taking of her body and how she inevitably succumbs to the massive thrust of his will. Finally, he throws his head back and forth, rapidly indicating a climactic sexual moment where he is on his back and she is writing Bronco on his saddle's horn. I do have to give Adam and A for imagination.

his saddle horn, I do have to give Adam and A for imagination. So in 1995, Adam West was still alive. He was. So he made an enemy. He made an enemy this day. Yeah, generally when the interview Bert Ward, which doesn't happen a ton around this time, he would sell stories like this and then they would interview Adam West to get his take.

And it was always like sort of a silly dismissal. Like he seems to think it's ridiculous, but loves the idea of people thinking of him as a sexual dynamo. So he has contradicted a lot of these stories, but in that wink wink, I'll let you decide. Only way I would believe Adam West said any of this to Bervard is if right before that,

he said to a stage hand, check this out. I'm going to ruin this dipshit's life. Or bring me that pile of cocaine. Either way. I am. I'm going to keep going because I think the section really is good to just get us to give us a sense of Bervard in general.

Also he shakes his head back and forth. And it's not pussy eating is a hugely missed opportunity. Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. I'm just reminded of when I was on here and we did cover a thing called bat pussy. Yeah, we've seen bat pussy. Yeah, experts in this. He could learn. Perhaps the world's only. Well, in B, it's really lured. Like if you're speaking honeybee, like that, that head wiggle is just fucking, it's almost gross.

It's like the word moist in B, I guess. The truth is stranger than fiction, and this is the truth. Adam has the unique ability to penetrate an audience's thoughts on a subconscious level. It's a fact that in less than 15 seconds of symbolic dancing with a powerful subliminal message, even seen through the squeezed electronic medium of a cathode too, millions of women, and even men were affected around the world. His performance played subtle tricks on the unsuspecting minds of an unsuspecting audience then and all through the series. The Batuse became a giant hit that no one would have ever expected. And I was amazed to see photos of all those Batman style hairdos that women began wearing.

So it's the women that have the Batman hairdos. Wow. I don't even know what he means by that. Um, does he mean like that little like parted short hair that Adam West had? Yeah. Does he mean like Bruce Wayne hair, which is like business man, black hair, combed back very severely? Cause that would be amazing. He's taking credit. Adam, Adam West did that. Adam West started that with his with his gyrations. They interpreted his gyrations.

They fed them to a hairdresser and she output that haircut and everybody had it. All women with a Katie laying haircut. Thank you, Adam West. It's specifically his dancing. You know what? I think it's time to move on to the next section. Sure. He does blame Adam West on the sexual apocalypse that his life became. This chapter is called Beyond Decadence, clasping the hand of a susceptible young conquest that's in parentheses.

Would you like to touch my bat? Lettersley asks Adam West, dressed as Batman as he swells his chest with its bat insignia, pretending the surprised young woman has accepted his request. He adds with a feigned pleasure, ugh! Mmm.

I've got steam coming out of the corners of my mask, Pantspert Ward dressed as Robin, anxious to participate. Oh my dear, deeply groans the cowl co-rauser in the blue cape as he draws her young hand to his veterans. I'm beginning to feel strange stirrings in my utility belt, how do you feel? That's all on italics, I think that's quoting something. Oh, I think that's a lot. I think that's quoting something. Uh, so I think that's a lot.

That's why we say the lies. I vaguely knew that this book existed or that Bert Ward claimed to be a sexual dynamo and that he blamed it as like a child actor. I thought he was like 17 or 15 or something. The fact that he's 20 changes this radically for me. In a minute, very, very, very, very, very, very. He's actually 21. And so he had been married for a little while he'd been a little virgin still clearly a virgin completely acts like he doesn't know what sex is the strongest virgin energy outside of just like a slash fiction board. Actually

the writing belongs to that. We Batman invented slash fiction right here, right here. And that's what his dance is incredible. After that long quote, it says, okay, this is going to get very erotic. The Pantyhose Python was poised to strike while his junior partner watched and learned like Dracula casting his spell upon beautiful young women to make them swoon helplessly. The senior member of the dynamic duo was in the final stages of preparing his evening meal. With strong eye contact, a seductive smile and an armada of suggestive double-meaning comments, the young woman's will wavered. She was mentally numb and ready for the taking.

It happens so fast that she never knew what hit her and never had a chance to resist. It was always that way. The awesome power of this predator was unstoppable. Time after time after time, the beast engorged himself at will. No woman was safe. Married or not, my crime fighting partner was a consummate expert and my educator. His tutelage helped to contribute to my first divorce and to my becoming an insatiable creature who hungered full female bodies.

Like, day we were human and relatively harmless. By night we became sexual vampires. I am sex more. I need four virgin women. I drink sex to live. Incredible. Yeah, there's, I know he's going for like a boat, keep with his language here, but it just makes me think

that Adam West was swallowing these women whole, like unhingeously jaw and just horking down women. And as a beast, some sort of ancient beast. Some Dracula hypnosis beast. It's funny you mentioned that. Go ahead, go ahead. Oh, well, there was a section here where he says, there was a chemistry between Adam and me

that ignited two sane men into a pair of wild animals. What resulted was a feeding frenzy of a couple hungry sharks in a world of unlimited aloeba. Let me amend that in Adam's case. It was more like the feeding frenzy of a killer whale in a world of plankton. And um... Adam West, who immediately introduced me

to the wildest sexual debauchery you can imagine. Within a few months, my marriage had dissolved. And Adam and I were like two hungry sharks in a world of unlimited halibut. Actually, I think Adam was more like a killer whale in a world of plankton. The sexiest word, halibut. These women are too old.

Yes, the killer whale, a step up in killing power from a shark. I don't even know that it is also, yeah, hellabit. I mean, I don't need to be on coo, but there is some historical fish and vagina connection, but plankton. There's nothing for plankton plankton. Yeah, I wish I feel like most people know this, but killer whales don't even eat plankton. They have fucking teeth. They don't have bailings.

Yeah, they actually kill stuff. Yeah. So it's like, hell, it's an ugly, that's a two out of ten fish. Like you can pick a swordfish. That's what I mean. So there's such sexier fish. That's a fuckable fish. Barakuda.

Yeah, man. Oh shit eels and stuff come on That thing it's like 40 feet of clitoris fucking that's your sexy Anemone I'd fucking anemone see I'm glad I didn't put this phone in a way. I knew it was gonna come in handy eventually handy I've been wait and I have been it has not been you so far Glad I didn't put this phone in a way. I knew it was going to come in handy. Ben, that handy. I've been waiting. It has not been, it has not been you so far. My notes said to read to the bottom of page 36,

but I think we can skip that. It is, it just says with bang pow, bam, with bow. No, okay. Let me read a little bit of this. Sure. I remember one incident backstage in a break between appearances. I was still in costume when a young fan knocked on my dressing room door. Upon entering, she professed her love for the show and her desire to have sex with me.

I thanked her for the opportunity, but explained that I had to return to the stage in a few minutes. Curious to see if she would be affected, I took my Robin stance with my fists on my hips as I spoke. I got more of a reaction than I expected. She began pleading with me that she had to have me inside of her. That very minute, I declined. She cried and cried.

I was upset by her near hysteria, so I locked the door in. Still in full costume, mid-loved to her on my dressing-bench. She cried and groaned through the entire experience. After I climaxed, which she seemed to feel intensely. She made loud animal noises, growls, and deep throat panting. And I was more scared than ever, believing I had an uncontrollable situation on my hands.

So that's just like the sexual dynamism that he's raised. I get in an A-year-old to work, she's so horny it's gonna be a problem. What problem exactly? I don't know, but it's so horny. It's going to be a problem. What problem? Exactly. I don't know, but it's going to cause trouble. So he fucked some sort of escaped like great cat. That's what I think. And we're rubbed one out right before going on stage. Like I truly believe this is a grand eyes from a real event where maybe a woman walked by his dressing room and he quickly jerked off before going to shoot. you know, that became this over time.

That's the nugget of truth. Yes. Well, this is for you. And then when she said what, he said nothing. Nothing. Sorry, man. Would you like a autograph? So, yeah, I'm glad you're picking up on how this doesn't quite ring true.

There's a section here on karate, I really liked. I don't know if it's worth reading, but he does claim to train with Bruce Lee and how he has a bunch of Karate. I feel like I've seen a picture of them in the same room, but he he he breaks about how like he was the first guy to do Karate in America, which I think a lot of people did in the 60s. Like if you if you took Karate class in the 60s, you're like,, I actually brought karate to America. But Bruce Lee was skiing now. Taking him in America. So that would be, you can just watch Bruce Lee movies at the cinema.

You could, like, I don't know. But I think if you learned it from Bruce Lee, then it's clearly it's Bruce Lee that, that, if not, but he did karate, you see, Bruce Lee was a Wing Chun Adapted in a jeep kundal. I mean come on guys. This is I want to read it. Robert this chapter is called on your knees girls and stay in line and there's no surprises That's exactly what you mean and our personal appearances our dressing room was usually a trailer or motorhome about

25 feet long position behind the stage where we were signing autographs. There were curtains draped to block the trailer from the view of the thousands of parents and children anxiously waiting to meet Batman and Robin. So just just something to keep in mind that the children, sexual things happened with a curtain between him and the children. Love to mention the children. Are they making the children? They're making the children.

They're making the children. They're making the children essentially. Yes. While I was still married to Bonnie, I controlled my desires, but knew that it was only a matter of time until my sexual addiction took control of me. Adam succumbed to the opportunities at hand every waking moment, even minutes before and after work. I felt he was cutting it too close. He had an unsatiable cobra that needed to be fed or more appropriately described, nursed,

constantly. Nursed isn't quotes, that's why. Is that at all gross? Terrible. Terrible. Nurs the cobra. It's assembled. During?

Oh, oh, I get it. That's a good point. It's during breaks between autograph sessions, I would return to the hotel to relax and grab a gnaw. I remember returning to the hall about 20 minutes early one day, accompanied by show security. The security guys left. I opened the trailer door and went in.

As I entered, I looked to my right and saw our employer and two assistants at a table in chairs, discussing arrangements for crowd control. I turned left to go to where Adam and I addressed and noticed the overhead light was off. However, the lights in the front of the trailer clearly illuminated the rear. There was Adam leaning back on a cushion bench

in the shadows with his legs apart. All he wore was a shirt. I could see the back of a girl on her knees with her head buried in his lap, nibbling a notch of her own. We were minutes away from going back on stage. I was stunned that he had allowed a young lady to bob his boi in front of the people who hired us. Holy Chutzpah!

Holy mouthful! Holy mouthful. I hope that's what you say. people who hired us, holy chutzpah, holy mouthful. Holy mouthful. I hope that's what you say when someone goes down on you. So that she will know to leave the premises immediately. She should have a gun for exactly that occasion. It's a holy mouthful. So he's a good sign when they're nibbling on it, right?

Just a little rabbit like nibbles. That's what you would. That's what he thinks happens. Like she must, she must gently eat your penis when she goes down. He's like a little corn on the cob. She just strips it there. He was still married to body. She didn't do that. She was a good girl. Um, so. He's speaking up. She didn't die in like a car accident before this or anything, right? No, there's a lot of stuff in here that like, I think the women involved in these stories

wouldn't want it to get out. I think that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that's what I'm saying. So she didn't die in like a car accident before this or anything, right? No, there's a lot of stuff in here that like, I think the women involved in these stories wouldn't want it to get out.

So especially like your wife, the, that you were apparently married to. Like, I just can't, I can't believe the audacity of doing this when there are people alive. Like, okay, if you're gonna do this, make sure everyone's dead. Even if like maybe you're the one that has to kill them, but they have to be dead before you start,

otherwise they're gonna know. Somebody's gonna know, and I don't understand how you live with yourself. When that, whenever a woman is named, I should be clear, like the stories are like, oh, he was like, really, she was so hot, and like, he almost got a kisser when they were filming a scene, and like, that's the sexual conquest and

If a woman doesn't have a name she's like an X-Men character and that like she's sort of a thing and then all the stuff a very dumb person would associate with that thing So like oh this girl was from Russia. So she was a Cosmonaut she's a boy. She's really contemplative art. Yeah, she, she was a boss chef. She's really sad. Yes. Uh, this is an Adam West quote, keep an eye out for the big Polynesian mama, who looks like she got hit in the face with the plank. Did he get hit in the face with the plank?

I love. Yes. Like projection, man. I agree. Does he think of himself as a big Polynesian mama? I think that's where we're learning. Yeah. Yeah. Adam West is just trying to dodge him. He's like, God, fucking, Bert keeps following us to lunch. Okay, so Bert says, what? I asked, I'm telling you, she's going to show up here and you've got to warn me so I can hide in the trailer until she leaves.

And you've got to tell her that I'm not here. I thought to myself, his horneiness must really have been desperate last night. Apparently the beauty he bedded looked beastly to him afterwards. I can't tell her you're not here. That would be a lie, I answered, innocently. So lie! You've got to keep that Amazon away from me. He was an agony, and I was suddenly having fun. I began to lay it on a little thicker. She sounds like a nice girl, you know Adam. I think it's about time you settle down. You haven't been married for a while. Any chance you might consider this vision of beauty as perspective nuptial material?

Adam wins. Cheeseburg with those lips she could suck the chrome off a bumper. So I think this is just the kind of back and forth these two best friends have. He's like, both in Burt Ward's voice. Yes. I hope in real life they alliterated constantly. back and forth these two best friends have. He's like, both in Burt Ward's voice. Yes. I hope in real life, they alliterated constantly.

Cause that's the meaning. That's the other writing technique that I'm picking up. The beauty he betted was beastly. They've done that like 10 times now. I'm, there haven't been as many whizz bang wow, Biff things as I feared. But there has been writing where they're trying to write

like a literal comic book. They're writing like comic book people talk, except comic book people aren't always talking about their come. Well, the pants on the comments on the green lantern a lot. Give him. Right. Here's another thing he does a lot. He goes, but now I was more curious than ever to see what he'd gotten himself into. Literally. If you're gonna read this book, get used to that fucking shit. I worked at Crass. Apparently I used to that.

Yeah. Just so that story has a button on it. He did betray Adam and he showed the ugly woman to Adam's trailer so she could wake there and He basically is like, I don't know. I don't know how that resolved itself So he assumes that like Adam West is just unable to not consent and was just like Mald by the woman he didn't want to have sex with I woman he didn't want to have sex with. I realized, as I say that, I love.

Man, like he's not gonna ending the story. He throws out a big offer, like Batman getting a blowjob in front of the producers. But then what? Did he get in trouble? Did he not? Did the Polynesian Mama, like he's not good at closing out. Yeah.

Which is kind of a trait of a liar, Like the spectacle of the stories, easy to imagine something like that happening, but it takes like a true imagination, a real actual good liar to think what would have happened. You have to know how sex concludes and I don't know if he has a theory based on this. I think he's being up to that point. But then like, if he continues the story, he'll be like, and then they juggle. Then they both, and it knows the same time. There's definitely peeing and biting for sure.

Let me just, to be fair to Bert Ward, here's how he punched that whole section. Was he at that very moment having a second serving of his Polynesian mama? I never found out, but I'd love to know. So these best friends he never said, hey, that Simone woman chasing you down, like did you ever have to make love to her again?

Did she kill you? Are you okay? Yeah, even though that's all they ever talk about is who they've just made love to. Yep. Never came up. Never, despite it being like something I think Adam would be mad about. Like, Hey, buddy, I asked you not to tell that lady where, where I'm staying. Are there stories that aren't about sexual conquest?

And I'm not saying that because I'm bored of sexual conquest stories because they're phenomenal. But I mean, is the whole book this, is the whole book these stories? Do we find out about Bonnie? Anything. It is about 60% of these stories and 40% like just like wrote like Hollywood stories. Like here's, here's the kind of like the story he would have had ready on Johnny Carson, right? Like that type of stuff that. So if you've followed Bert Ward's career, you almost certainly heard these stories. Because like I showed you in that clip, he he tells these stories,

you know, in any opportunity. Right. Not that way. Just like Carson hated it so much. But Johnny Carson versus Bert Ward, the ultimate showdown. I was going to say that like these guys that sort of had like one or two big hits, Johnny Cushson versus Bert Ward, the ultimate showdown. I was gonna say that like these guys that sort of had like one or two big hits and then they spend the rest of the time signing autographs at Comic Con. They tend to boil their life down to like, you know,

like five or six stories that they tell to people that never see again. Yeah, I imagine this all takes place within the span of about three years and then the rest of it is him telling stories about those three years, which is so sad. That's some sort of curse I would put on somebody. I'm glad it's not my life.

You see it at Comic Con, there's like that autograph alley that's really, really very sad. Like, I got an autograph. Oh, sometimes they're really dragging them out from the back of the closet, yeah. Yeah. Like, sometimes you'll see Virgil, who was like the million dollar man's spotty guard.

And that guy's very famously sad. He'll like have a big ol' million dollar man at Virgil sign every time he goes somewhere. And million dollar man, it's like never signed an autograph with him in 30 years. And so he just pretends he's in the bathroom the whole day, I guess. Yeah, sad Virgil's like,

one of those like really funny things you can look up, but it's also kind of sad in the obvious way, but also some unintentional ways. And if you talk to him, it's just, it's all about million dollar man fucking people over and over again. Over and over. Teaching him how to use this dick.

Yeah, open mail to the world of sexual exploration. The main dollar dream is not a normal submission old. It's actually a lot of sexual connotation that that's why a lot of women got those million dollar man haircuts back in the day. You hypnotized them with this gyroscope. We're able to fuck it 12 kilo fucks a second. Now I want, we're on page 85 now. I'm skipping over a lot.

I just want, let's just fucking get into it. Hornie people, if you're like having some trouble with your horniness, this will not kill. Now it's the time. All right, whip it out. We're ready. Phantasy is fulfilled. I sat on the edge of the bed waiting. The bathroom door opened slowly and a ravishing young woman emerged. She was wearing my robbing costume. Everything except my trunks. I was stunned.

Her long brown hair flowed over the back of my cape. Her piercing gluise filled the openings of my mask. Her large breasts stretched my t-shirt and crime fighting vest to the limit. She put her hands on her hips and took a familiar stance. I'll write you feigned, she purred. Sorry, I should have purred. I smiled and noticed she had several colorful scarves tucked into my utility belt. Even my bat boots slipped sensation on her. In fact, she looked better in the costume than I ever did. She placed the scarves on my shoulders, teasingly brushed against me and stepped out of the

bed. And trance, I watched her lie down and stretched your arms and legs suggestively toward the bedposts. Hi, Mjola, spoiler wonder. Take me. She was a fan. I was the star. This was the moment she dreamed of. I thought I was joking about the job going, they're gonna juggle.

I was thinking she about to do some close-up magic right now with the scene. You guys make fun but let me read the very next paragraph. It is clinically how you fuck. I moved to her and gently glided my fingers back and forth through her pubic hair. It was warm and soft and glistening in the deep light of the bed frame. Yes, what I was doing. Yes, in a rotating motion. Again, this is the vagina. I said, I gently rested my elbow in her belly button, like Adam West taught me. Lower, she said, no, actually, like it's, it's physically lower. Her eyes closed and her body tightened. I ran my hands slowly along her legs, trailing my fingertips over her peach skin, easing them

down the soft crease on the inside of her thighs and caressing the outer edges of her curly locks. She breathed deeply, reaching underneath I clasped her small firm buttocks in my palms and squeezed tightly. Her back arched into the air and her mouth opened. I raised her to meet my face. My tongue delicately spread her lips and I pressed against her kissing her firmly and drawing her into my mouth. Her body shuddered twice and became

limp in my hands. Wow, look at the box. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, butt with both hands. Long hair, long hair, long hair, like a can of snakes. Yep. And then she climaxed and died. That's how you do it. Kissed her clip once and she's out. She's done. Fantastic. I thought I was going to learn about fucking Batman shit, man.

I thought we were going to riff about the penguin and stuff. This is much better. It is. There's so little of that in the book. Do you ever fuck with those? I was gonna, does he ever talk about the Batman mythos? The legend of the bad seems like not. Hardly at all.

Like, I think Cesar Romero gets a couple of sentences. That was my question. Does he fuck alongside or with or on top of Cesar Romero? He does not have sex. What cause all of that? Does he fucker? It's a kid. Absolutely not.

Oh, she would fuck it. Kill him. Who is a Ivonne Craig? Is that who? I can't remember who did the forward. Don't know. Yeah, Ivonne Craig, who was a back girl. I don't think they ever had any sexual relationship.

He didn't have any sex with any of the women on the set But he almost kissed one And that's a chapter the people who would verify or dispute it He had sex with anyone you can call he suspiciously did not fuck. Okay, so now this is a very important section Please listen closely this Chapter is called Indicent Exposure. Oversized underrated problem. To bulge or not to bulge.

That is the question. You've got to be kidding. Come on. Is this some kind of joke? I found it hard to believe then. I find it harder to believe now. Suddenly my most private parts became public. Greenway Productions' busy front office called to say that 20th Century Fox had called them

because ABC Network had called them because of the Catholic League of Deciency had called ABC, without raged indignation that the boy wonders genitalia, bulged indecently and enormously out of his tights and through his bat trunks. So, Bo Ciferous were their complaints that ABC demanded immediate action with the implied threat that future earrings of Batman could be in jeopardy.

Dick too big for TV. My dick so big, you can't see it. Dick too big for TV and that's not the title of this book. Fuckin' whifted. Okay, I'm going to skip ahead. Adam West said that he stuffs his undershorts with Turkish towels, but that wasn't the case. It was all natural gigantic penis. Here's the section called shrinking the serpent or the eleventh commandment, thou shalt not fool with thy tool.

Bind his balls and let's get on with the show, Wisecrack, a frustrated crew member. He was referring to the ancient oriental tradition of binding the feet of women to keep them as small as possible. His comment was a quantum leap across centuries and gender, but our wardrobe department took it seriously. Dancers belts, jock straps, double thick jockey shorts, dong socks, testicle supports, padded underwear, nothing reduced the swelling, not even ice packs. The battle of my bulge was becoming an even bigger problem and the studio wasn't winning and with the physical hell I was going through, I certainly wasn't coming out ahead either. Of course each show's director could have been instructed to film me in such a way as to avoid the beast in the bat trunks as the crew referred to

my problem. However, that would have been so artistically restrictive and time intensive that for a practical point of view, it was nonsensical. You see, you can't just film a guy from the way stuff. What you need to do is have hundreds of prop masters stuff things into a little little 21 year old boy's pants. You need to team a guys behind him holding elastic bands as hard as they can, just pulling the balls back while you film. So he had his cock dressed up like like an 18th century maiden, just the layers and hoops,

corsets and bone, pants and biding. Nothing worked. You've got some engineering could not restrain my cock. Is Dix not too big for TV. It's too big for pants. It's too big for ice. Ice can't keep this dick down.

Nothing can work. Now, hold on, I do want to resolve this story because I know everyone's wondering. This crotch crisis whipped me back and forth between the insistent demands of the studio, the network and the production company. Faced with the witch hunt threats of the religious right that kept rearing its angry blood filled bulbous head, the production company's haunches decided enough was enough and it was time

to bring in the heavy artillery with great secrecy. I was taken to a special doctor. I can't remember his name, but I do remember his thick German accent. My memory blockages probably due to my pre-visit trauma, which included nightmares of castration. You see, in showbiz, extreme sacrifices are given because everybody knows that the show must go on. Yeah, right.

That's a book, Lord, not me. Did he? It's just saying Hollywood chopped his dick off? Again, want a title for a book the studio cut my dick off. Yeah, I'll be with you off my dick off the board ward story We're we're going to try something he said I apprehensively acquiesced He held up his hands in us. I never said anotherced. He held up his hand. In us. I never said another word.

He wrote a prescription. I don't know if it was for salt Peter or what? Whatever it was, I took it every two hours while I was shooting for the entire next show. It worked. During the filming of that episode, I became a shadow of my former self. Okay, so salt Peter is an erection suppressant. So what he's really saying is he had a boner this whole time and they're like, you got it. Stop getting boners on

set, buddy. Right. It is a half mass. Then it's big. Like, that's why it's that he can't stop being horny all the time. And I mean, we've all been there. Sure. Watching Adam West's gyrations hypnotizing him with his propaganda thrusts. Now, I found a Australian show where he was doing an interview and he said this. Legion of Decency said that bulge in Robbins' tights is not acceptable. A found a doctor who had these special shrinking pills. Stop your making this up. I'm not really. I took those pills for like three days

and you said, I'm a shrunk your what now? Well, well, well, he got, I don't want to say I have a tiny penis now, so no. It was temporary. You're right, I've started myself in this lot. I'm better.

What I like about this is that it shows how this guy did not read his book. Even the part about his giant penis, this interviewer didn't bother to read it. And his first reaction was, no, you're making that up. Because that pill does not exist and no one would take it. If someone did make that pill, it would be very famous. I like the idea that only a Nazi would make this dick smaller. It's a holy like right. That's a subtle implication. He's some kind of Nazi doctor. I told Nazi dick shrinking pills, the birthboard store. They're all better.

Everyone is a really good title. Reach out and pop some of these. And that's I guess what I mean by like when I said X-Men characters earlier, he has like this natural storytelling to sort of slam people into archetypes. So it's like, oh, if you've got this like doctor, he has to have a German accent. That's it. That's all you need to know about the guy. You don't need to know like where his office was or like, you know, if he was a nice guy or what his hair looked like. Do they have Batman hair?

That's fucking important to me now. So this is chapter about when he and Adam West went to a nudist colony and Robin had a boner the entire time. So this could be a boner. He might just be a very bonered individual. He does actually say the words holy, Priavism, because of course he does.

And fuck you. Yeah, so they all make fun of him at the nudist colony. Like while Adam West is playing volleyball, just flopping dong and everything, on the way out as they walk past the Orchee because surprise, this isn't a new discony, this is a, orgy-new discony, like you, like they have, and then that's when they get recognized, they're like, holy shit, that's Batman. And the woman said she recognized the way he walked and then she's like, hold on a second, hold on a second, that means you're Robin.

And I think here's where they give away at least one of their storytelling methods. Let me switch to page 103. I like that she can only recognize them by the way they walk instead of the fact that their faces are on television. Yeah, very famously an actor. Because he's like, how do they recognize us? That are cowls on. It's like, you's fucking face. Right. Very famously an actor.

Because he's like, how do they recognize us? That are cowls on. It's like, you're fucking Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson for half the show. You don't fucking idiot. You have one acting job, your whole career. You can't fucking remember it. Does he not get the part that he's probably. He doesn't know that I sidekick.

He just thinks he was a lucky guy who got to ride along with Batman all the time. I do think maybe, and the news calling you just look at everyone's penis, right? That's polite, right? So you wouldn't, you wouldn't recognize someone because you got, you're looking at that flopping down or throbbing hard erection in, in Bert Ward's case. But you go to shake hands with that dick and you're like, wait a minute. In this dip flop set of familiar fashion. in Burt Ward's case. But you go to shake hands with that dick and you're like, wait a minute. This is a television dick. So she says, oh my, well, you certainly can't be the little one.

Robin, can you? Embarrassed, I nodded. Anxious to leave. I turned back to Adam who was engrossed watching the caterpillars permutations because they were like a full human centipede of fucking going on in this place. That's what he thinks an orgy is. It's a line. It's a line. It's a 50, 50 dudes in a couple. They join up like a barrel of monkeys. Just revenue chudders pubic hair back and forth, back and forth. Until the cloud. like black crab, which happens within seconds. I was reminded of my trips to the zoo to watch and imitate the kangaroos.

Maybe the old dog was learning a few new tricks. Satisfied that he'd seen enough, Adam indicated we should go. I was more than ready, although I was sorry I hadn't scored with the brunette than in parentheses. I did a week later though, when she came to visit me for the weekend, we never got out of bed. Oh, yeah, that's it. Classic Liars maneuver,

that he can't even take a tiny L in reference to anything. He has to go, but later we did, later we did. And my dick was not shrunk from the Nazi pills anymore, by the way. It was huge again. Super. Crazy side effect. The dick pills made him gigantic. The old Liars parentheses classic.

So yeah, no one in the story does he number close on this naked babe? So I also think that they wouldn't have pens with them. So it's like, hey, what's your number? She'd tell them and then he'd have to remember it fully nude. No, unless all the remember it through like interpretive dance, he would dance it back. That's a good point. He would just like spin his dong in the honey bee way.

Yep. Uh, so yeah, all the space in the book is dedicated to like all the near kisses that Burke had on the set of Batman. So it seems weird that this nudist lady he met at an orgy who he boned for 72 hours just like didn't ever get another mention in the entire book. Just like, oh, I totally, I totally whatever, whatever Stanley Ralph Ross wrote. No, no, no, no, come on. I, I, you know, I hit that. Right. I'm sorry, but what is it to almost kiss someone? Does that mean he tried to kiss them and they rebuffed him?

Does that mean in his mind there was a fraught moment where they should kiss? Because almost kissing someone is nothing. That's not doing anything. Yeah, I agree. Okay. There was a scene where he had to act alongside a woman and she was supposed to be seducing young Robin and he like came close to kissing her and then like other stuff you know Batman burst in or whatever. Yeah and so like in in the script he almost kissed a girl and when he

acted that out he was like oh fuck that shit was real it's like a guy who like thinks his hooter waitress fell in love with him. Right you know it's like that she was so close to me I could have touched it with my tongue But she would have climax and ruined the shot Just flopped around like a hell of it sprung into the air perhaps perhaps embedding herself in the in the lights overhead and and dying I saved her life right She would have been filled out through the krill teeth of the

West orca. I don't, I don't fucking know where I was going. I think maybe that bit he was telling on himself a little with that bit about watching the kangaroos. I think that's where he gets how women orgasm is that they just spring into the air. I guess I learned, I learned my sexual information from the zoo

watching the kangaroos. They leap 10 feet into the air. Well, and they're dicks are always bulging through that pouch, you know, so he can go kinship with them. I'm gonna skip ahead about 20 pages to the section called beautiful, but nobody will touch her. This girl says, I rested inside of her between orgasms. We kissed tenderly. I broke the subject of why she didn't have a boyfriend or if she did her eyes Between orgasms, you ask if she's in a committed relationship her eyes teared, but her expression remained warm

Something was hurting her very much. I was sorry. I asked I don't have any boyfriend Yes, actually she even limp that's got to be tearing her in half. He can't rest that inside the human. Go follow her. Birth canal. I don't have any boyfriend. She, because no one will go out with me. Her voice quivered. Why? You're wonderful, intelligent and beautiful. I said, guys are afraid. She answered, of what? I asked, you don't seem like the kind of person who would hurt anybody. I'm not sure but my father is. He's the sheriff.

My heart stopped beating and I thought I was dead. Fortunately it started again. Gee, I said, even though your dad's the sheriff, I'm sure he knows you're a normal girl and they are old enough to do what you want. No, I'm not, she said, without offering more. Holy Jail-Vay! Forget my heart. I was about to dump in my pants. I felt like the remains of Hiroshima in 1945, and the fact that she didn't willingly provide any details to soften the atomic bomb she had just dropped, scalded me like radioactive fallout. I prayed to hear something like, don't worry, I'm 17 and 11-12, or it's not a big deal

I'll be 18 next Thursday. No word at all was an extraordinarily bad sign. I cleared my throat. How old are you, I asked weekly? 15 and a half. This is going in the book. Yeah, I wouldn't have put that in my book. It's a wacky, misadventure. If I did put the statutory rape in my book,

I probably wouldn't compare it to Hiroshima. I probably wouldn't compare it to Hiroshima. I probably wouldn't also double down on that. I probably wouldn't describe myself shitting on her between orgasms. In his pants, so he's still at his pants on. Filling his pants, he's coming twice with the pants remaining on and filling them like a diaper. Filling them like Hiroshima. Like Hiroshima. Filling them like Hiroshima.

Like the victims of Hiroshima. I'm 15. This would make it great. No, I want to see this drawn. The good thing is I don't think any of the stories in this book are true. But he basically, you'll start to see that the tail end of the book were now past half way all of the stories are kind of like

Like I was saying like an archetype like who let's do one where there's a cheating wife Let's do one where blah blah blah and so we'll see sort of just a twist on a bunch of classics one time I stayed with the farmer and he said don't touch my three daughters one time I stayed with the farmer and he said, don't touch my three daughters. Right. Holy three musketeers, Batman. Okay, so this, let's see, page 134, we're gonna do the mile high club,

because of course we gotta do the mile high club. So let me run through this. So he meets a woman in line and she's a beautiful French speaking woman and she doesn't know him from the TV show. So he is seducing her cold. As we spoke, I noticed we were being listened to by a man in the seat across the aisle. So I suggested we switch from English and speak in her native language. Voulet Voucou Che, that was the only French I knew.

I explained that I wasn't proficient in foreign tongues. So again, this is not a great plan in his fictional story, back to the book, but that I would make an exception with hers. I was great in charades, however, and we had a lot of fun trying to communicate with each other. I finally succeeded in conveying my plan to make love in the only available private place.

The bathroom. Those were his ellipses. I would scratch. Is too tight. She said I was still trying to speak French and she was helping me by answering in English. So there are two people speaking English just to be clear. Unexpectedly, the passenger across the aisle spoke to me. Excuse me.

I really think you should speak a different language because if you don't want anyone to know what you're talking about I'm a French interpreter for the United Nations cute little detail cute little detail the He's like hey, I I Speak this lingua franca guys. I'm a fucking United Nations interpreter. Yeah, I'm not just a French person I work for the United Nations and I would like you to fuck I'm here on behalf of the United Nations. Please take it out, Bart Ward. On the plane, see that hog, that famous hog that required all the salt beater to fit into the panties. I'm invoking article 99.

Bird Ward's dick must come out for the good of the world. So many other things. If we put it on the good of the world. So we have a couple. We put it on the table for Ward. Well, that was it. I nearly died of embarrassment. More agonizingly, I realized that I had another three hours of sitting across from this man before I could get off the airplane and hide. Even more horrendous was the fact that I had no alternative place to be with this girl.

If we were going to join the mile high club, I mean, golly G. Willikers. That's a fucking quote. Uh, when I was, when was I ever going to get it? Or chance like this. So this is a guy who's on the tail end of just a fucking country wide sexual rampage. And he's like, I cannot pass up even the fucking most remote opportunity. Um, anyway, size note. How like even to this day, a French woman has to be the most sick of men using the Voulet Voucauché, Auffect Mois. At the peak of its popularity, she would have just punched you in the... It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you were TV's Adam West. She would punch you in the face for that long. He would have just punched you in the, it doesn't matter. It didn't, it doesn't matter if you were TV's Adam West. She would punch you in the face for that long.

He would have communicated entirely in body role. Just then, a passenger sitting in front of me turned around and started talking to us. I recognized him immediately. It was Donnie Most who portrayed Ralph Malf on the popular ABC television series Happy Days. What the fuck? There's no news in this video.

I'm gonna throw it now. There's a fucking, F**k it now! It's a fucking... fucking cameo! He didn't know that the young lady and I had something going, or at least I thought I did, and he made a gigantic play for her. After 10 minutes of listening to some of the biggest corn I had ever heard, I finally interrupted okay, Donnie?

We'll talk to you later. Fucking cock blocker. Fucking the fons wouldn't do that. He turned around and went to sleep. I wanted to refocus on the most important issue at hand. Are you ready, I asked? She nodded. I suggested she go to the restroom and close the door,

but leave it unlocked. I would join her in a few minutes. Can you guys predict like one more obstacle that might get thrown in their way? The entire cast of welcome back caught her. That's close. I'm gonna guess is the air marshal pulls his gun and demands that he put it on the table.

That's another really good guest. No, bathroom poop. As she started to rise, a huge man sitting in the front row stood up and stretched. I told the to hurry, but it was too late. The man emitted a rude bodily noise and suddenly dove into the bathroom, holy past gas!

What an unexpected, uncontrollable delay. I actually expected this, because I think in every comedy movie where they're trying to fuck in the bathroom, someone goes to take a giant crap. And Bert Ward's story is no exception. This is a very giant crap. Let's continue.

The rest of the section is about the crap because that's how we're on the book. More than an hour past, I want to make sure everyone heard that. He's shit lasted one hour. One airplane hour. That's like seven normal hours. Yes, that's like 70 people trying to use the bathroom. I thought the man must have fallen in. Actually, I was hoping he not only fell in, but got flushed away just for causing this unbearable weight. Finally, he emerged.

After that much time in the can, I expected the guy to come out as a shadow of his former self, not so a number of thoughts raced across my brain. What could that man of Eden to cause him to be in there for so long? And he doesn't look any different than when he went in, whatever he did. thoughts raced across my brain. What could that man have eaten to cause him to be in there for so long? And he doesn't look any different than when he went in, whatever he did. It didn't do him any good. And gee, no telling what that place smells like.

Maybe we should forget the whole thing. Before I could utter a word, my hot to trot date got up and walked straight to the bathroom. She turned and smiled at me as she went in. That's my cue, I said to myself. So I went for it. Even though... Oh, shit in here. Come on.

Even though it was cramped with me sitting on the toilet seat and Lady Godiva mounted on top, it was wonderful. Together with the up and down motion of the plane, I felt like a loon ranger. What a joke. The planes don't work the way they go. That a joke. No, no, no. He's like, no. That sex doesn't work like that.

I guess the turbulence, the turbulence was working out perfectly for him. Wow. But also pooping doesn't work like that. Like he expected, does he expect people to look different when they're done pooping? He was surprised he didn't come out of skinny, man. He hit that two different ways. He's surprised he didn't come out of skinny man.

He hit that two different ways. He's like, no, really, I think I'm onto something here. He should be smaller. So they fuck for a page, a terrible thing began to happen. She was having such a great time that she didn't realize her groans and sighs were getting very loud. I said, we can't be too noisy. She didn't hear me or didn't care.

She just kept raising her voice. At this point, I was too worried about the noise she was making to have a good time myself. What a helpless feeling. I couldn't stop her and I couldn't get up. Of course, I was complemented by the fact that she was enjoying herself, but she was scaring me to death with a racket she made. Oh! And then a blood curling climactic scream! I let go and screams to shut my wad and it was over. Then I realized where I was, the close proximity of the passengers sitting quietly in their seats and the shattering noise we made. I went down faster than I went up, deflated like the Hindenburg.

I was the incredible shrinking man who was afraid to come out of the bathroom. Clean up and there was like sardines showering in their can. Stop comparing your dick to horrible disaster. Yes, it's like my number one tip. Why, Agedies? Also it famously didn't deflate it. Fucking explode it. Yeah, he really fucked that up.

So then I guess he was now so conscious about his bulge so that when he doesn't have an erection He's like I can't be seen in public like this Just a weird to tail that got thrown in there I just do not think this guy knows how penis is work and that's weird and he's mad at the female orgasm Yeah, he's really pissed off about it Ralph mouth heard the whole thing Ralph. Matt was sitting right outside the door off about it. Ralph Malfe heard the whole thing. Ralph Malfe was sitting right outside the door.

And that French interpreter probably went to the UN and told everybody. He's like Finland. You know what happened on the flight here? Then there's a slight delay because they hear the translator in their ear and then they're like, whoa, yes. Oh, incredible. The entire cast of Welcome Back Conner, you say. So let's do a story about one that got away. These are all great, fantastic victories, but like the action is Robyn's arrest of Pussycat as I speak my lines Leslie raises her hands above her head and turns to kiss me. I move in close.

After two rehearsals, less than a fraction of an inch from her lips, I was so hot and bothered kiss me. I move in close. After two rehearsals less than a fraction of an inch from her lips, I was so hot and bothered that I thought I might lose control. I wanted to kiss her and make a beeline for her honey pot. Thinking about Leslie and that sexy outfit now, I associate my passion for her with the song Tom Jones made famous and I find myself singing. Pussycat, pussycat, I love you. It was time for a take. I just wanted to let that fucking land, just like that flop on the floor, that fucking shitty line.

Just fucking gasp for Aaron Die, you shitty fucking line. Okay, okay. I considered Leslie equally at fault for being so charming, beautiful and sexy. There ought to be a law against it. On action, I said my lines had moved in close. I was trying to concentrate, but all I could think of was Leslie

in her delicious lips. Her death, I could sexy perfume. It was no deterrent. She raised her arms. Out protruded those boobs. My resistance was collapsing. Like an action figure. You're really astounding boobs. Raise those arms. Boo, growing action on the

Leslie action figure. I briefly cast my eyes downward and saw that mini skirt rising along with my temperature. I tried to frighten myself by reminding myself that this was my producers niece, and there would be horrible repercussions from an unwarranted gropeing. But that didn't do any good either. I moved closer to those lips, so close that I could feel the warmth of her skin.

I wanted her badly. There was no stopping me. Cut, y'all the director. That startled me and I stopped. Good story. I got really horny for somebody that wasn't into it. The end. The end.

I occurred to you. It occurred to the end. I just drew your high, man. It occurred to me that if I broke them without consent, it would be a problem. So I didn't do that. Yeah. Just this particular woman. And nothing can stop me, except someone telling me to stop or go someone saying, actually, it's time to shoot. So it's 15 and a half. She said I deflated like the Irish potato famine.

So that's the one that got away. There's one where you hook up an older lady. You, I mean, you get what's going on here. But all of the Xing all of the penthouse, dear penthouse tropes, every single, I bet he fucked his secretary too, right? I don't think he fucked his secretary. You know what? There is a story about that.

I'm not sure I clipped it, but he did almost have sex with an assistant. There's, yeah, you nailed it. Mary knew what she was doing. There were no false starts and no naive growings. She was so calm and comfortable with who she was, almost as though she had been around for centuries. Her touch was soft, efficient and effective. She had me ready before I expected and introduced me into her warm, hospitable nest. The experience was smooth and heavenly and I felt mesmerized by her presence. We enjoyed each other continuously throughout the night.

The next day near Taberick, she became extremely tired and weak. She wanted to go to sleep before the sun rose. I was tired and thirsty and asked if I could find myself something cold to drink. She directed me to her refrigerator. I was considering pineapple juice when I saw four plastic bottles of what looked like grape juice. But there was no colorful printed label, just a hospital-style tape on the neck of each one, inked with scribbled letters.

My vivid imagination was playing tricks on me, and I imagine that these were bottles of blood. Let's see, that would make Mary a vampire in me. Her next victim? I shuddered, not a pleasant thought. In fact, a ridiculous one, considering the typical American household I was in, I vowed to control my imagination as my next New Year's resolution. I chose the pineapple juice and went back to Mary's bedroom.

She was waiting for me. I referred to her refrigerator and made a tasteless joke about her being Dracula's ex-wife. She didn't laugh. I apologized. Those are files of blood. She read my mind and I answered my question before I asked it. Hey, I'm cool. I said to myself, I was in January for all I knew she or one of her kids

could have undergone a recent operation. I didn't notice any IV equipment. Maybe she did charity work for the Red Cross or it was a regular donor or I drink it. She said calmly. I felt the hollow feeling in my stomach and instinctively placed my left hand around the front of my throat. Why, I asked. I didn't want to appear frightened, but I was. I like the taste of it, and it's nutritious. A cold chill searched through me. I didn't feel comfortable about this revelation. Stupidly, I dropped the subject, rationalized some far-fetched excuse,

and continued dating her for several weeks. Nothing bad ever happened. Well, except one thing. We made hamburgers one night. She liked hers raw, with garlic salt, pepper, and parsley staked our tar. While slicing some tomatoes for a salad, I cut myself.

She was genuinely concerned. I went for a paper towel to apply pressure and stop the bleeding. No, she blurted intensely. Don't do that, I'll take care of it. She put her mouth against my finger, and her lips went over my wound. I felt a little sting and then suction.

She was sucking my blood. Go. He's brought up Dracula multiple times. Yes, you know, Batman. And they're like equivalent figures. Talk about Batman. Compare shit to Batman shit. As a fan of Batman, I'm disappointed. But this was, I do you think you felt action to like include vampire bat like

associations somehow, but he couldn't like draw the connection or analogy. So he's just like, I was just talking about vampire stuff. Yeah, he also keeps saying stuff as if the character, as if he's being facetious, like, you know, then I thought her tits would explode, but anyway, no really I thought her tits would explode like he then buys the shitty thing that he just said and then they did yeah And then it happens for real I feel like we're not making a big enough deal of how Bert Ward claims he had sex with a vampire Yes, like his his older lady story got so out of control He's like she must be so experienced.

She's a thousand years old, but how could that be possible? Of course, I'll make her a vampire. I didn't even connect the time. The time, the fact that she's sent you a result. Well, I think I was too hung up on the phrase hospitable nest. Yeah, that really threw me early. Brilliant.

Because of all the, 40 minutes, cussed that. Because of all the, I mean, that's because of that. Because of all the mountain monsters. I can only think of big footness. I just make sure that little big foot down there. I, you fucked a band. He, I cannot believe he included that in his book. He fucked a vampire.

It makes me so happy. He does share another story about an older lady because Shelley Winters tried to fucking when she was a guest star on the show. And she was a mom. But she was a mom star on the show. And she was a mom. But she was a mom. You know, Bert says she was too old for him. And after all the last old lady tried to fucking eat him.

And Shelley Winters, you know, famously had an overeating problem. So just to be safe, he did not have sex with Shelley Winters. This next one might be a little too sexy. I'm going to read it anyway. This is from a section called Holy Fem's Fatalace. Fem's Fatals. That night, we made love endlessly.

It was like having sex in a circle with no beginning and no end. Recival to the point of pain. It was one of the most profound experiences I ever had. I was definitely smitten with her charm, even though a small voice inside warned me of danger. Was this girl another heartbreaker? Oh, man, eater! I was too tired to ponder the ramifications. It was now very late, we both had to be on the set. For early makeup and wardrobe calls,

and I still had a long drive back to Malibu. I kissed Debra good night, and tucked into her, tucked her into bed. As I left the room, she called me back. She asked me to leave by the back door, which was reached through the kitchen. I wondered why, but accepted her request. Figuring she knew what was best. Rung again! I walked through the dark hallway into the kitchen, fumbling my way to the back door. As I started to leave, I noticed there was no lock on the inside of the door knob, just a dead ball on the door that could only be locked and unlocked from the inside. If I went out that door, there was no way I could lock it as I left. I decided to do the right thing to go back through the apartment down the

steep stairs and out the front door, wrong again, again. I headed through the kitchen as I entered the living room, something eerie caught my eye. It was shiny and appeared in the distance, momentarily from behind one of the pillars. Now I want to stop here. He fucked a lappercone. What do you guys? It's a fucked a lappercone. Yeah. I think it's aliens. They're great guesses, but let me continue. Then it disappeared. I thought my eyes were playing tricks.

I started down the stairs. Suddenly I heard a very soft, slow laugh, and stopped dead in my tracks. I listened again, but heard nothing. I started again down the stairs. Now I heard an animalistic chuckling and knew that what I'd heard was real. Then I saw it, a long metallic object with a strong shiny reflection. What was it? I didn't know and wasn't inclined to take the time to find out, a shriek in the darkness I saw someone running toward me very fast. Then I recognized

the shiny object, a large, long, very sharp looking butcher knife, and someone was coming at me. I ran from my life, bounding on the stairs toward the front door, whoever was chasing me now began screaming and was coming down the stairs towards me very fast. I struggled to open the front door, but the deadbolt seemed stuck. I used all my strength, and at the very last possible moment, the door swung open. The danger was now very close, maybe five or six feet away. I turned and saw Deborah, holding the huge knife over her head in a threatening position. She had a wild look in her eyes and seemed to be in an uncontrollable frenzy. The girl's got crazy, I thought. She must be possessed. I dashed out the door as the

blade came down, missing me by inches. I ran into the night toward my car. I couldn't believe how close I'd come to losing my life. And then he fucks her, right? You didn't get to the... Oh, they'd already made love many. Oh, they already fucked. But he...

Oh, all done. Okay. So, it's a jackal in high. It's like a female jackal. I guess. Yeah. She just like, or it's just another vampire. Maybe it's all vampires all the way down.

That's who you get. Well, Hollywood is filthy with vampires. That's what Cory Feldman was trying to warn us about. That's what ascension millennium is about. It's about the awakening of a millennium worth of vampires. Hollywood vampire rings. At the end of this chapter, it says Deborah was last thing lobbying a producer to give her the role of Lorraine in the John Wayne Bobbitt story.

A literal punchline. Wow. A literal, a good one. Shit, my pants between orgasms because she was into that. You see when a person likes knives that becomes their identity She was Mrs. Knife. I forgot to say her last name Deborah knife Here's a fun story about Adam West fucking finally yes Adam and I have had our fights But they never got physical they were usually over petty things like who had to wait for whom on the set

And who got a nicer carpet in his dressing room Which dressing room was closer to the set and much more seriously? Why Adam refused to make a guest appearance or an autograph party with me unless he got 60% of our combined salaries Since we were offered the same amount that meant I had to pay him 20% of my fee holy extortion. So that's how Adam West bucks. You included that in your book, or you do nothing but look cool. Oh shit. It's so humiliating. Like for no, like that's like tens of dollars, right?

Like you made 20%. You made a 20%. Like I'm not gonna show up with you. With you? No. You pay me 20% of your fee. We'll talk. I'll tell you.

I'll tell you. They won't take just Robin. Yes, I know Robin. And that's why you have to give me 20% of your money. Yes, obviously. You know what they will take? Just Batman. Yeah.

Jennifer dropped her towel and sauntered outside. We stood by the rail and watched the relentless surf pound against the beach. I gave up trying to control my curiosity and asked if she would perform a bodybuilding routine. She asked me to put on some upbeat music. I did. Improvising perfectly to the music, Jennifer began a routine. Oh my god. Those muscles, that body, those breasts,

that pussy, a combination to time. Sorry. I got it. Just a little bit of violent. Finally, he says, finally, he says the word. And she'll get to see what's going on now. I've been confused. That's all that. She had hundreds of muscles. He found the word. I sat on the end of my bed watching the show of a lifetime spectacular. The music ended, I applauded. Jennifer was breathing heavily. I could imagine the energy it took to flex all those muscles one after another.

I brought her a glass of ice water. As she drank, I noticed the moisture on her skin. It was warm to the touch. I asked if I could feel her muscles, a fantasy since the moment I first saw her. Where would you like to start? I'm doing a Jim Carrey's body builder lady. Your biceps.

It took both my hands to encircle one of her upper arms. Ruckard! Oh, I sighed. Why wasn't I built like this? I felt everything and it all felt wonderful. I told her so. We kissed unexpectedly. She climbed to top the deck rail,

straddling it with her bare bottom and legs. The moon illuminated her tanned, nude body from behind, outlining that spectacular figure with a bluish white glow. We talked about the exotic sexual pleasures of Asian cultures. Do you know what you're saying? All right, hello, Sammy Ralph Ross. We can tell when it's the right or guy trying to get right or he. Yeah, yeah.

She mentioned that many Asian women had a unique ability to form controlled contractions of their vaginal muscles. They demonstrated their dexterity and excited their lovers by picking up and manipulating tiny objects and coins as small as a dime Come on. How can anyone control her? You know down there You said he lost it again. He lost the word poor guy. You only have one pussy of the book I gulped she's put her out on the rail and unabashedly opened her legs. I was stunned

I looked directly at her nest, which was surrounded with dark brown hair. It was breathtaking. Do you have a dime? I was too shy for this, but I didn't want her to laugh at me for being bashful. Inwardly, I breathed the sigh of relief because my change was inconveniently downstairs in my pants. Uh, no. Well, I'll show you anyway. She began by manipulating her lower lips, expanding them open and squeezing them close, moving them up and down and back and forth. She could probably have done a routine with them to music. They were like an extra hand. And about the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. I was speechless.

That's not how that works. And it's not a predator face. Of course, a predator face down there, right? It's not a face hugger. It's not gonna plant something in your belly. The final line is, I wonder who she's delighting these days, Si. But I think what happened here is they wrote a, in their outline, they're like, you got a fuck a body builder.

You got a fuck one of those ladies that shoots the ping pong balls in like Thailand. And they're like, dude, we fucking body builder. You got a fuck one of those ladies that shoots the ping pong balls in like Thailand. And they're like, dude, we're running, we're running heavy. We can't, there's no Caesar Romero room. Like, tell you what, let's just combine the ladies, combine the ping pong balls, vaginal lady with the body builder. All right. Now between the two of us, surely we know what a pussy is or does.

Or I can go first. Or I can go first. Sure. He also did that right with the, he's got a fuck a French person, but he's also got to do the mile high club. I'm just realizing a lot of these are just checking boxes. Yep. Or Ness. Going through his penthouse forum. We discussed the Ori total pleasures. Fuck. Her nest was like a monkey's tail, gripping things from around the room, including my heart. Let's do one more and then we'll put the rest

in the bonus podcast because I feel like we're getting too erotic. This is maybe one that, let's each of you just kind of think, go down the checklist in your mind. What else do we need here? And see if you can just guess it. Is he boning his teacher, his set teacher?

That's a good one. That's not in the book. Real answer three way, right? He hasn't done three way. Oh, sure. That, but double it. And then almost double it again. This chapter is called Eight is enough. That's how good my math is.

Nice. So I split my dick into eight individual portions and began assigning them. Why don't you come back to our place? I laugh. That's all I need. I reply. I don't want to get you girls in trouble with your sorority house. They all laugh hilariously. I feel stupid. Linda saves me further embarrassment. Boy wonder, we don't live in a flat house. We have our own house. My curiosity about them increases. Maybe I've misjudged my company. What do you do? We're working girls. Linda answers. Oh, that's nice. Where do you work? They all laugh at me again. I'm getting a little irritated. Bert, we're prostitutes. Oh, I answer. Shocked. You certainly don't look like ladies of the evening.

So he knows that phrase, but not working girls. God dammit. Writer, guys here like I'm young and innocent, a pretty blonde, replies, I can't believe it. I'm dumbfounded. This is the first time in my life that I've met a prostitute, or even seen one up close. And in this instance, there are eight of them here with me.

I don't know what to do next. They do. Come back with a sympathy, one of the girls offers. Didn't you say something on Batman like there are eight of them against the two of us? Odds are in our favor. You've got an incredible memory. It helps in our line of work, Linda says.

They all laugh. Well, there are eight of you and only one of me. I guess the odds are in your favor. Okay, we see where you started the story and worked backwards. Yep. Right. You're like, it's, and I'm guessing by the end they pay him, right? For the odd.

You could have at least changed the number. We'll see. Linda puts her hand on mine. God, her touch feels good. I guess tonight we'll find out if you really are. The boy wonder, more laughter. I'm in a days. They've made me an offer. I can't refuse we go back to their place It's beautiful and near palace in one of the rooms. They have two king-size beds. They push them together Is this really gonna happen? I wonder eight pros and me on the ceiling in the center of the room is a motorized disco like

The kind with little pieces of cut me or that cast shadows as it turns along the walls or floor lamps with colored bulbs. Someone dims the overhead light and the colored lights and the rotating ceiling light are turned on. I hear soft music. Am I in heaven? So they have like a disco set up and he spent an entire paragraph describing that

rather than like what these eight beautiful naked women might look like. Taken in the room. I think that's got to be Stanley Ralph Ross going in there and being like, well, I want to describe stuff. I've already used the pussy word. I use the nest word. I want to describe the surroundings or at least something.

He's just trying to flex his riding muscles, man. Yeah. I'm just saying I am very much not in this moment because the questions I have when you're not about the lamps. Yeah. I'm like, I want a clumsy description by race and weight of all these. So, Burt Ward. Burt Ward has been fucking his way through Hollywood for all of the 70s.

I'm assuming 80s at this point. Yeah, and he's never even seen a prostitute. Yeah, never even occurred to him. Doesn't even know what to call them except for some of the terms. Most of the ladies were fours, but total, that's a 32. I'm just kidding. That's not in the book. That's a George Carlin joke. Linda undresses. Apparently, she has first dibs on me. Her body is young and firm. She kisses me so gently that it drives me crazy. Soon the others appear.

All of them are nude. From behind, I feel my shoulders being massaged. I love it. These nymphs approach sex as though it weren't art form. My god, I think to myself. They're like Renaissance masters. Wait a minute, they are Renaissance masters. Vampires!

They're eating me. I deflate him like COVID-19. The hallexas, you can say it. Yeah, I literally stop myself saying, oh, that's like, come on, come on. I'm kneeling near the center of the two beds. I notice blonde hair in front of me and I feel my left nipple being sucked. Another girl is kissing my back. Another is

licking my neck. No one has touched my privates. They seem to be orchestrating this affair. Like a symphony! Two more approach. They each take one of my hands and pull my arms outward. They spread my fingers apart. Select one and put it into their mouth. They suck on it gently. I lie down on my back. Linda preps me, gently bending back. My leading member, she takes first one. Then both of my supporting players into her mouth.

I feel so vulnerable. I'm in a dangerously delicate position, but the feeling is spectacularly pleasure intensive. I'm worth the risk. God forbid, she should have a sudden attack of a lockjaw! Thank you in the middle of some oral sex, and you suddenly think, oh my God, I'm gonna get my penis and balls bitten off. She doesn't bite down really hard right now.

Why am I thinking that? Oh well. The sign of a real sex pro. Look at that disco light. That's interesting. I'm like, but they all make it, no. They all move with one hive mind. I would have carefully prepared this so they specialize in eight ways. That's economical for prostitutes.

They're like Linda, I told you we got to get the fingers in our mouths at the exact same time where the whole bed feels lopsided. Brittany, you just do the left nipple. You're the left nipple person. We talked about this. Tony, I'm sorry, both nuts. All you. Well, Cheryl's sick tonight. So you got your own both nut duty. It's possible he might have mistaken a massage for a room full of prostitutes though,

because the next line is two others cleanse my feet with a warm wet towel, then suck on my toes. I feel like royalty. Meanwhile, three or four kiss my face, neck and chest. All I can see are masses of different colored streams of hair swirling in front of me. I'm ready. Linda removes me from her mouth and takes me to the next level.

Suddenly I feel an ice cold towel wrapped around my testicles. My heart jumps. The two holding my hands place in between their legs. I caress their hair You know, you know how you do that's how you do finger stuff. You just rub on that pubic mount They insert my fingers and sit on them. So again, they're these are women actively teaching Burt Ward how to fuck on his like 9,000th sexual conquest and their inner warmth is fierce and that's just good writing uh the two the two of my feet do the same

Linda mounts me and slowly rises up and down on me i am a rock Another positions herself above my face. I lean into her and lick her spot my face. I lean into her and lick her spot. Again, again, no better way to put that. She comes powerfully twice and flops over like a halibut. I go to town on her mommy's own. And I pooped my pants like the Holocaust. So he's having an eight way. What happens is the girls like I'm just doing it. So he's having an eight way. What happens is the girls like set him up like a Lego board and just like plug themselves onto his fingers and toe. So that's why.

Well, while also swirling their hair together in front of him, just like shaking their hair all around. So he can't see anything. It's just I'm just a fucking duploblock. I can't I don't know what's happening to me. He wakes up. He's just in nine different milking machines. What have you done? These ladies were milk monsters.

I've got, I'm going to say that this story is true and that it was based on like the time he fell into the eel tank at SeaWorld. Yeah, this is the truth. Yeah. One girl, her name is Moray. Emerged from a rock to hide the fish Her jaw unneeded. Yeah, that's a deal. That's a deal all eight take turns having intercourse with me That's because that's how you would put that

I could never have made it without that ice cold towel as the final moment approaches Linda climbs on for the finish I explode inside of her it was a-shot deal and the experience of a lifetime. It's nearly daybreak and we all fall asleep. I wait before noon, enjoy a delightful breakfast in bed and passionately kiss every one of them goodbye before flying back to Los Angeles. On board I am flying higher than the airplane. Several weeks go by as I think about land and her friends, I miss her, I pick up the telephone and fly her to spend a week with me on tour. She broke a red ankle shortly after I left And is in a cast up to the middle of her calf even this impediment is no hindrance to this gorgeous nymph

She proves herself to be a one woman army. We share a lot of memorable moments together now and later so What a beautiful story of the time she bang eight prostitutes and then like had a very long-term relationship with an accident prone one of them. And that's how I lost my toe to foot, Climidia. He kissed them all in a row on his way out of the house like their dwarves and stuff. Yeah, I love that. Imagine being the eighth woman, waiting for seven women to go. Just keeping yourself ready like a gang bang. Imagine being the eighth woman, waiting for seven women to come here.

Keeping yourself ready like a gang bang, getting those lips moist, keeping them moist. Fluff in your lips. So gross. Slip fluffer. That must have taken 10 minutes to passionately kiss eight women goodbye. I mean, let's say two minutes, what is it, they're fucking birthday, come on. One of my friends. One is accident prone, that's three minutes right there.

Yeah. The first one circles back around. They trap him in a loop. It's been kissing him for three hours. This one's still on my left nipple. Will you get off of there? It's red and swollen. There's four more stories, but I think we're going to put them in the bonus podcast

because we got to keep this moving or we'll be here all night. On the way out, let's plug your book, Mike. Let's do it one more time. Sure. One more time for the people in the back. If you had to patreon.com slash small beans slash shop, you can check out my novel. It's called the climb. Robert Brockway called it heartbreaking, weird and very, very funny.

And he can't deny it because I said it in front of him. I love that guy. You can check out a demo there. Just look for the word demo and click that and you can get the first 50 pages free. If you're hooked, buy it, read it, twist it, make it suck it, hurt word. Lean into it and lick it spot and pop it. Lene and Liket and Bob and Bob

I'm not who I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt

I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt I'm not Frankfurt Die Kraft ist nicht, die Kraft ist nicht uner. Schick die in der Hundezung, die ohre in der Stunde. Kupchon, du kitzst ihn doch mal. I'm not a hunder. I'm not a hunder.

Frankfurt. I'm not a hunder. I'm not a hunder. Frankfurt. I'm not a hunder. I'm not a hunder. Frankfurt. I'm not a hunder.

Yeah. Yeah. Neuthausen. It's hot dog junction, America's last comedy, children's variety, trivia, Keohaw laughing for Christ. Now here's Rob and Markey. Thanks Yodel and Julius. I'm Rob and my friend Markey here wants to tell you all about the supremeest cat this side of Job 410. Take it away Markey!

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Just for sure. John Dean. Daniel Karen. John Hickah. Joseph S. R.R.L.S. Josh S. Josh Wal-Bridge. And Facy. Kevin M. Joseph Seryles, Josh Piss, Josh Lohbrane, and Lucy Cadam, who are really good at Lisa, and Josh E. Schaffel, and Josh E. Schaffel, that's enough, that's Friday, that's Friday, no No color! Lucky Lauren! Look, Stiles!

Houses are really hard! Okay, just close and start her! Close you! And you! Behold the elixir! Elixir hearts! Rekord, final floor! Negralsen,

Houses and Foulding! Patrick Hurtz! Patrick Hurtz! Patrick Hurtz! Here, Crelson, Clawsy, Golden, Patrick Hertz, Patrick Hertz, Patrick Hertz. Yeah, I know everybody knows how to turn a Z- Hertz, okay? Rachel, we're in Sparkovsky, Sean Chase, Scotty Recephan, Silverna, Anten, I'm a fan of SuperDoc and Tim. Edit. How is Korsh Off? Korsh, Korsh Off. I can, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't Lots of s- Okay, time to go! Oh, hey, geez! We're gonna learn a ruffle!

You're the unnoticed! You're the serian and the last but not least, the 12 of us! And time! And time! Okay, hold on, I'm gonna do a good to watch. I'm just gonna do a fast, real fast. Bring it over, I'm gonna turn it off. Fuck this, I'm gonna go eat some kids.