The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 157, Space Cadets With Gareth Edwards

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

Brockway tricks Seanbaby and guest, Gareth Edwards, into a shaking fartbox for five days and all they can talk about is the 2005 British reality prank show Space Cadets! But don't worry, if they survive, they get to do it all again but as a prize this time!

1,900 hot dog! 1,900 hot dog! A podcast slammed with maximum height! Say hot dog podcast worked! Yeah! We need to taste that nitrate power! You're in the dog zone for an hour! Come on!

You know the number! 1,900 hot dog! 1,900 hot dog! Welcome to the Dogs of 9000, the official podcast of 1900 Hot Dog, America's Ultimate and Final website. Remember websites, we do that. We pay talented comedians good money to hand right hilarity for no other agenda, for hilarity's sake. If you're into that, and you are,

you're listening to this, come support us, patreon.com slash 1900 Hot Dog, or you can die in the hot car that is the modern internet. I mean, that sounds fun. I'm Robert Brockway and I'm pretty sure this is all a hoax. Uh, with me is my comedy partner, Sean, baby. I'm pretty sure he's a hoax. I'm real.

Yeah. Are you? Are you? Sorry if that wasn't convincing. Alright, well, I know for a fact I don't believe in our guests today. It says he's the most fun kind of analyst here. A transport analyst, there's no way we got that heat coming into this. It's guaranteed that words. Yeah, hey, good to see you again.

Welcome back. Welcome, welcome back. You brought this, you, you, you fucking brought this to us. So before we lay all of that blame on your feet and destroy any good will, you will have nurtured. Where can people find more of you? Well, I am now doing a tech history column. That's one of my things.

You'll find me over in every the AI newsletter and general tech history newsletter And yeah, generally just streaming streaming games and history things on on twitch and YouTube is gary is the Brit So so yeah, keep an eye out All right, go check that out now before we start talking about the thing that he has brought us Which is going to be an ordeal what What he has brought us is a show called Space Cadets. This is a very British show and also a very terrible show. And I would say those are not, they're not mutually exclusive. But in this case, I do think they are tied together. Space Cadets is a 2005 British reality series hosted by Johnny. Well, I don't know how

to pronounce the last name. Vaughn, just Vaughn. Yeah, it's Johnny Vaughn. Johnny Vaughn. Quick question. Is that guy a dick? That guy's got like... He looks like a dick. Some scandals, right? Yeah, I mean, well, you know, he might be sold Coke to cops. I mean, but then we've all done that at some point in life. Okay, that rules though. Yeah, that sort of rules. That's not been a scandal I was expecting.

I just got like, we didn't handle it, right? You didn't like turn some of it. Yeah. No, the problem you have with Johnny Vaughn is he is a peak sort of early 2000s British Lads television. So that's that kind of thing of like we want the presenter who is the guy you go out with for a drink. And he never quite sure if he's going to start a fight or not.

Yeah. And it's that kind of vibe that he definitely gives off in everything he does. I'm so glad you brought that up because that was my, I went looking like, surely I did not find any meaningful scandals beyond the drug sales, seeing which which actually kind of rules. But I just, I'm sure you're a dick, right? I don't know.

It's a dick on camera several times. He's a massive bellend on camera on this several times. And I do wonder how much of that is him and how much of that is the writing, such as there is any writing. And how much is just the era? 2005 reality TV is like all three of the worst descriptors to have in a row.

Like that's all just bad news. Okay, let's describe what it's about. Space cadets, it's a prank reality show, which there's another terrible descriptor that throw it in the mix, just gets worse. It's about, in their words, putting everyday brits through brutal training and a Russian camp and then blasting them into space

only they never leave Britain, which I think is a crime. I think that is actually a nest of crimes It should probably was after they made this show. Obviously, the concept is stupid and insane on its face, but also what's frustrating for me, like as a writer is there's no landing strip for the gag. Like I've, I've, maybe it's because I saw a WB superstar, but I can already look at the last episode in my mind and be like, there's no fun way to tell people that they fuck you, you know?

Right. There is zero ability to turn around and go, we've just spent 30, 30 days building up your best dreams in life and by the last, all of, all of a prank. And your girlfriends and boyfriends signed off on us doing this to you. Right. Yeah, it's like, a surprisingly nice. It's like a well-funded

Syop conspiracy. It's why it's what happens when you're still what happens when you have too much cocaine in the Rites as Roman not enough people to go. How do we land this? Yeah. This is a great idea. As long as we don't think about it. I have a solution to that part. It's okay. That's okay. Yeah. It's more content. It's we need to stop this. We need to stop this, but we can't because we've already spent five million on the simulator from space cowboy. So I would know you with the VB superstar. Do you know that show?

Yeah, briefly. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. For the listeners, that was a fake American idol where they got people who couldn't sing and then they fucked them for the entire season and at the end They're like, oh my god now we have to tell people We've been humiliating you for weeks and it wasn't funny. It was it was it was a very very strange finale Also for our listeners we have already done a podcast on how dare you how dare you not know about that? What is wrong with you? I would say this I think think this one is worse. In a way, WB superstar

had had they were better at cruelty. I don't think they're very good at cruelty in space cadets. I don't think it comes naturally to them. I think it's a very cruel idea that was not executed. Well, whereas WB superstars, they just all the way through out they got they got some sociopaths to design. They sacrificed those lives for entertainment. Whereas here they, which is the thing, you could absolutely do that here. If you just take the same concept and make these actual sociopaths who think they could be astronauts, it would work because you would hate them. But the whole problem with this is you just start to like the people and then you just feel

really bad for them. And also the problem with that is that WB Superstar put them into like a singing contest and otherwise they had normal real lives. This required basically abducting them for a month on hand and putting them through brutal relentless physical training toward no end to making the exams, like literal exams. On lies, which we'll get to the wrong stuff. We'll get to it, but there is a problem with that. That's one of the crimes. That is, like, there are thought crimes.

That's one of them, surely, by now. So to soften the blow, the idea is that everybody is paid a very modest amount for participating in this that will hopefully keep them from suing. The people that make it to the end are paid a little better and they get the opportunity to, once again, go back and do it for real this time to actually go to the Russian camp and train for space, which they don't get to go again. So if they, if they win this show, they get to go through all of this again for real, for no prize, which I'm sure they...

I think this is going to turn into a running bit on our show today, but I think a good prank would be if they go, they take them up on that and they go to the real camp and then that one's also a fucking prank. That's funny. See, that's it. You just lay is. You need to lay is to this. Yes. Just keep pranking them. That's funny. You just lay is you need layers to this. Yes, keep pranking them. Yeah, right. I think it should be going to this day like you should just take their lives away. And the rest of the day as well, they should come out and

be told, you're not only you're not going to space, but that person you thought was your girlfriend has been an actor the whole time. It's a reverse Truman show where you take somebody that has lived a normal life and then you take it all away from that. Next year will be the 20th anniversary. The hosts should go to their homes and say the last 20 years, if it's fake, it's fucking brilliant. The last 20 years have been fake and you are actually in space.

But don't worry, we have 25,000 pounds for you. And the opportunity to go do it all again right now. We have what's that? You don't want that prize? So to keep the secrecy, which they make a very big deal of, I would argue, so much thought has been put into the execution of this without any idea towards, as Sean said, the actual ending of this, which is the important part. To keep the secrecy, they didn't tell anybody applying for this on any level what this job actually was. They made up fake reality shows for the people, for the contestants to apply for. They made up fake acting gigs for the actors they needed. They got a base modeled after Russia's star city, which they replicated in Ipswich. And they make a big deal about how exactly they have to replicate everything, which I don't think is true in the slightest.

Yeah, you need to think of Ipswich as being like the scranton of the UK, by the way, if you need a sort of reference for this. Yeah, it got a couple of laughs in the show. So I got that that place sucks. Yeah, they did some, you know, be your old footage of it. So I got that that place sucks. Yeah. That's the thing is that they had to like chaff an entire media landscape to hide the show.

But not really like they could have just not hidden it that well, who cares. But the people that were deceived at every level production from contestants and journalists to employees It's just it's just a bunch of lies to help the CIA create another uniform Or it's just it's point. It's it's just makes everything in the world a little bit less true For anyone who touches it. Maybe I'm a fucking genius But I don't think you should devote this much time and resources to to pointlessly diminish truth

I feel like all this did is make the world just a little bit worse for everyone who sees it or it was a part of it. And it's continuing to do so. I don't know if you guys spotted it, but obviously because these are all on YouTube is the growing increase in the number of flatter for comments as the series goes on on YouTube. Because if you think the more animals fake, just knowing that someone fake to reality show about going to space is enough for you. You don't have to watch it.

You don't have to know whether it was good or not and it to be clear at fucking sucks. And like you could just cite that as evidence. Like, hey, I think the moon landing is fake. After all, they fake that show about going to space. It's just more than zero people are going to use this as proof that everything in the stars is a lie. This gives you ammo now to say that the astronauts, when an astronaut, when that, when, when an astronaut is about to punch you in the face for saying

the moon landing is fake, you could say, no, no, no, I know they deceived you too. Yes, I'm sorry. Just like they did. We did that in this show. Yep. It's been. You'll still get punched in the face.

Deservedly. So that, yeah, that's Sean said, the amount of resources Yep. It's been- You'll still get bunches in the face. Deservedly. So, yeah, that's Sean said, the amount of resources that go into this is, it's frankly astonishing. They use a decommissioned military base from the Cold War, and not fully, but at least all the parts they're going to use renovate it to look like the actual star city. However, they also select all of their contestants specifically so they don't know anything about space, military or Russia in the slightest.

So you could have put them fucking Walt Disney World. They would have no idea. And also you self-selected them for just the dumbest and most trusting people, for Labra's of people. I had a room with one of them. I told them. Because is it like really a prank? If you carefully pick the people who can't tell they're being pranked, like they cast for that.

At a certain point, just find people who've been kicked in the head by donkeys. Found a bunch of coma patients and told them the families died while they were asleep. It's just fucking cruel at this point. It's just eliminate anyone who's not in a coma. It also massively compromises the entire ability for it to be a successful reality show, because you lately require conflict and doubt for reality show to work. And they have certainly deliberately selected out anyone who might be a good reality show contestant.

Yes, they they okay, we'll get into the test. They just support people out of lakes that have just recently been legally dead from drowning and say, I'm the devil. I'm the devil in your inhale. Just, and then three months later, two or a 20-year-old. Go down the nearest gym, pick, pick the biggest gym bro who thinks he could be an astronaut and is absolutely the least suited person to it.

Find out the 10 of his mates and put them in this and you've got to show. It's a great point that they've self-selected not only in self-selecting people that would not expose their elaborate by very stupid prank, they have also made sure that they have found really stupid but generally nice and easy to get along with people.

I thought this might have been a British thing. Like in America, everyone's like a selfish dick and reality shows like amplify that. Like that's a the the casting self selects for that. But on British reality shows, whether or not this is the reality of of it over there, like they all seem very polite and neck new ones clamoring to win. They don't like backstab each other. So there's like not as much drama, whereas on American reality show, like I just watched 90-day fiance and some guy, they put on blindfolds to do like couples therapy

and he could see through his blindfold and he just cheated his way through like a communication test. Just to win and then picked a fist fight with a guy who said, it's obvious that you can see, buddy. So I'm like, that's, when I saw that, I'm like, that's very American, that's very normal. And on British, it's just like, hey, hey, let's, let's be best friends and you're through this a little bit.

More reserved on the reality shows, but if you watched, particularly around about this time, you know, big brothers into it, so I think season four when this is screening. And you, by that point, you have got the, this is my chance to be famous for 15 minutes. I'm going to maximize it. I'm going to do anything else. And so you do get those, those sociopaths come through in real strength, but you just don't get them here because they, they didn't even tell them they were going to do anything

like that. So, right, you know, it's like you're screwed from the start. Yeah, they kind of planted a seed of competition, like some of you will be selected, but they didn't really tell them how they're going to select them. They placed a fake ad, and it said exactly this. Are you missing out on life's great experiences? Is the British public missing out on you? You need the personality to win over a nation, the determination to succeed more balls than you can ever imagine. Time to stand out from the crowd to apply, call our email and a mall UK. That was it. That was the ad that they placed.

So everybody here answered that. Absolutely enough. That like that ad is how a cannibal finds victims. Yeah. That a little of the non douchebags. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV.

It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV.

It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV.

It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn't say you were going to be on TV. It didn say you were going to be on TV. right. Well, they were explaining this on the show. They showed some of the doucheys and one of them I was a shirtless cowboy. And he says, what is it about me? People want to see? What is it about me? People want to see? Well, there you go.

I can turn any question into a rhyme. I think you skipped over my statement. I've gotten down to my note says naked dude. Yeah. Naked Gavin, but that's skipping over the The winner of this show what should have been the winner of this show if this had been cast by Americans, which was Well, I'll just play the clip hold on you look interesting. Who are you? My four name is Jonathan Edward Sydney Harris the seven

And I am a lord. A lord? I say. I love that. I had him in my notes as John what's it what's it dipshit in bread the seventh? That is how you select for a reality show. I was instantly like, okay, I'm not going to take notes on all of these people, but that guy is going in the show.

So there's two reasons he doesn't make it through the through the testing. One is I have spent more time than I should have trying to work out if he really exists. I have gone through Berks Peirich and there is no Lord Jonathan Edward Sidney-Ara is the fucking seventh. I'm a crap. Which makes it better. Like that ensures your cast on the show. Yeah, if you're on fake lord. 100% on the radio. So jumping ahead slightly, but you know, we'll get to anyway, but he is the chap

about in about three episodes time who correctly identifies two stars. So I think I have to eliminate him because he knows what a star is. Right. He knows what a star is. You're out on your ass. That's that's probably where's Lordship is. He probably bought one of those stars for 48 bucks.

Let's go for a photo on the moon. That's how you get. That's how you get a Lordship. If you've ever received a star, you're the Lord of the stars. That's how star lord. That's what a star lord is. I have two more notes on what the American casting would be. One is definitely a naked Gavin who thinks poetry is rhyming the same word, the same word.

That's the same phrase with the same phrase. Another was Damien, who doesn't hate the gaze, but he hates the gaze. And he's in my notes as Damien the asshole. And Dennis, who is the gayest man that ever lived? They would be, this would be your cast if it was America specifically to watch those people tear each other apart. And the fact that they don't get cast because of the standards of the show

is what makes, it's what, how you know, from the first episode, this is gonna be really bad television. Yeah, their hobbies must have been military bases. They said that twice that we eliminated people whose hobbies was military bases. Like, what the fuck does that mean? That's a question I had. Is that a hobby? Oh, yeah, no, we spent our whole week and it's like going from ex-US military base to military base, taking notes, drawing pictures. It's so fun. Like, it's inspiring, but basically

exactly. There was also, it didn said they eliminated anyone who could name more than four characters from Star Trek the next generation Which you know, yeah, that's a weird way to do that. Yeah, there's data Tasha Yarr. That's it. I got a guy again. No more more. more needs you got more. That one. The Horta I think I'm just you still look at the show. You still look at the show. Can we let me on the show? Yeah, great ass for not.

I love the foreshadowing this in that as the candidates are being interviewed, not selected yet, just interviewed to see if they're even remotely right from the show, he cuts to them ahead where they've already selected like who the candidates are. And he points out that if you listen closely, you can hear English church bells in the distance. So he tells us in episode one before we know what, who's ever been selected, we fucked

this up. Like we fucked this up bad. Yeah. Anyone who listens can hear we did not pay the church to not ring the bells. So this is true, but I think you could make a case for every level of production had failures. Like I thought the editing was really bad. Like you mentioned how they show all these contestants, but we've already seen who's won, like several times.

The storytelling is really bad. Like they sometimes things repeat and I'm like, wait, was earlier that like a preview? What the fuck is going on? Yeah, this is my incompetent on every level. This going on? Yeah, this is incompetent on every level. This set out to be, this is why I love the show. This is why I said yes to doing this show. I was like, we've done this cruel,

we've done cruel with WB Superstar, but what's interesting is that it's incompetent at its cruelness. Like this doesn't actually wind up being very cruel Because they don't pull it off. They picked the stupidest and most suggestive people through careful psychology Spent millions of dollars trying to fool them and did not Yeah, at all. I'm sure a lot of people would put them in the situation.

Like, what would I do if I was here? And I don't think anyone would think anyone would do this. Like, it would cost less money to send you to space. And I'm not being cute. Like, I looked it up and it's like half a million dollars to get a tourist pass to space. They sent three people and fake space. That's $1.5 million.

It's way less than they spent on the show It's like don't even do the space bit just put them put them all on in the camp there Tell them it's fake but tell them there's a massive prize money at the end and they're gonna get it I go on the vomit comment and then let them eat each other you know like you could just do that bit and it's a show Well, I have a better idea You actually send them to a brutal Russian training camp and you tell them it's a show. Well, I have a better idea. You actually send them to a brutal rush and training camp and you tell them it's all fake. Yes.

And so don't worry about it. This is all for the show. You put up your hidden cameras and then you just leave and whatever happens. Just watch them fuck with spets nets. Yeah, I'm not gonna push up anymore. It's like you will do push ups. Who gave you a new you from Essex? See, that will do push ups. Okay, buddy, I know you're from Essex.

See, that's a better show. Yeah, that's a funny show. So in selecting for their gullible idiots, they do a lot of psychological testing. They do the dot pattern test where they show every contestant, a bunch of dots in a pattern that tell them it contains faces when it actually doesn't.

And then whoever sees the faces are suggestible. I haven't my notes that this is bullshit, because we have such things a Rochak test where you just see shit, we just see shit in patterns. You just confabulate stuff. It's just what human brains do. The idea that this makes them weak is probably wrong, I think. I mean, that's it. When Asgard says that she sees a skull on top of a lampshade than week is probably wrong, I think.

I mean, that said, when Asgard says that she sees a skull on top of a lampshade with a cowboy hat on, I do think she might be making up. Yeah, she's having some fun. Yeah, she's having some fun. Which is again, a something you can't control for. Like some of these people are just gonna fuck around. Some of them are gonna be silly because they think that's what you're casting for.

And also they're making sure everyone's like sane. They're making sure they're not going to like, their minds are going to shatter against, you know, the confinement of it all. So I guess now they're going to have date on what happens when you fuck with the reality of a previously sane person. So that's not useless. I think scientists might want to...

They're scientifically... They're findings. No, there's something has been proven here to some extent. I just like that they end this test by including one with a clear picture of an alien face, like a little hidden clue. And then the editors of the show themselves cut to every single person being like, yep, that's an alien, I see an alien, there's an alien.

So this is foreshadowing for how bad they are at their jobs. Yeah. Great prank, guys. Here's a picture of an alien. What does it look like? Oh, like an alien. But every single one of Alien. What does it look like? Oh like an Alien? But every single one of them got it back to the bad editing again, like they keep repeatedly include things they shouldn't include because they just make the show profoundly more depressing.

So I think this is the point where they show some of them describing what they want to do in life or their what their ideal jobs would be and carry is like if I could pick any job it would be an astramore. There's another world out there, But I guess I'll never get to do that. And you're like, oh my God, not only are they going to definitely put you on the show, but they are going to shatter your dreams at the same time. Yeah. They're like, let's maximize this one nice girl sadness. I have that many times that this woman left a much sadder person than when she went in. Yeah.'m not that much richer

Yeah, a little a little bit richer a little bit more famous in a way that is probably not great for her She has money by BMW that's not a it's not a replacement for shattered dreams And has been has proven on national television that she is Suggestible and stupid so you can take that B&W from her. Like this just painted every single person here is like here's your victims. Yeah go find them. So where's Waldo of your next victim for your pyramid scheme? Here's your victims and you know they've got 25 grand burning out in their book. Every single one of you one loses it to an MLM within like a week.

Just on the wanted board. The next one they did was a bunch of eyeballs in a jar and the test was to see how like suggestible they were by they say okay guess the number of eyeballs and then they show them all the previous guesses and they make them like crazy high and then that's to test like oh will they adjust their answer after they see the peer pressure? And like, make me, this is like because of my time at Crack or our time at Crack or my brain is just filled with party fact pop science nonsense. But this is such an obvious trap. Like if someone showed me a jar of eyeball eyeballs and said, guess, and then showed me a spreadsheet

of other people's scores. Like, I might not bust the whole graph. I'm not like, hey, this whole thing is fake, but I at least know I'm not there for the stated eyeball purpose. Like, it's just so obvious something else is going on. You're saying that you weren't high age to BD, I eyeball the counter. You know, I'm saying not the thing. I'm saying, that's not the test here.

There's something else going on. And then maybe I come up with it, maybe I don't, but all it does is just plant the seed, hey, you're being deceived. You may not see the whole picture yet, but like we are fucking with you. That's what, that's what it's very obvious from this test. Yeah, they set this tone of, this is all definitely not what it seems. They might not guess what the end game is, but everybody I would say from this stage, onward immediately knows like,

okay, you're fucking with us to some degree. And I can prove that because the show just shows us that. And the show is clips repeatedly in almost every episode where somebody's just like, this is prank. I don't wanna do this. I still come back to you, you listen to their comments and die rooms and everywhere else.

I think this is back to editing again, as there's a lot of editing after the fact to kind of try and go, look, see, see, they definitely knew. We definitely didn't entirely shatter them as human beings. But when you listen to the sides in various things, I think they were wanted it to be true. Yeah, I think they can all want it to be true. And I think it can also be executed very incompetently, which is what we're looking at. And to be fair, a lot of their speculation was like, this feels really fake, but they're not like,

I'm being tricked. They're just like, this is something's wrong. So they get that this is wrong. But here's the thing, if you guess that it's wrong, right, that this is a prank, and then it keeps going, if you publicly say, like, okay, I get it, this is the fake thing, we're not actually going to space. And then they're like, okay, you've got to get up tomorrow for training, I'd be like, oh, so that wasn't it. Because why would you, why would you keep going with it? Because then it's not funny or interesting.

If I guess it and you keep making me do it. So surely that can't be right. I guess I must have been wrong. Are you familiar with the show called Joe Schmo? Yeah. Which was like, okay. So that was like a true min show that they executed on a guy.

And then season two, they tried it on a guy and a girl. And so the prize for this was a woman. So the guy's just like, I'll do fucking whatever. The awesome course is humiliation, whatever. I could win a real human woman. But the woman is just gonna win it, dude. So she's like, yeah, okay, this will be a fun weekend. And she immediately like shattered the illusion.

She's like, oh, this is a German show thing. Cause like, she's not like driven by a boner to chase some like like I don't know Shiny object so They actually took her and put her in the cast they're like okay cool you caught us you're now a you know Improper former to trick the next woman and they brought her in for a few episodes So I guess there is precedent for Like a plan B and I don't think this show had one but this, this doesn't have a plan B because at the end of the day, all of the cash investment

is backloaded on that fricking simulator and everything else. So it's like they constantly making those first few episodes and these episodes about going, well, what they might find out if we push them too far. And it's like, you can't push them too far because you've got 10 episodes to fill. Yep. So all the specs are $5 million renovating a cold war military base. You can't go back to your investors and be like, I don't guess it. Sorry. They got it.

But it's four episodes of sets up and six episodes of gas lighting. That is essentially one of it. That's what it's what it's up to. All right. So we're still self-selecting for our gullible lovable Labrador's. They want to eliminate claustrophobia because I don't know that we've stressed this, but at the end when they do the space mission, it's not you get in the space shuttle. They pretend to go through the launch. You're like, wow, space. And then they open

it up and you walk out and you're like, oh, no, they make them stay in it for five days. They make them stay in an eight by eight foot room. All of them in that room together for five days. Yeah. Which is constantly moving. Yeah, just shaking it on hydraulics the whole time. It's a nightmare. It is an absolute nightmare to do to somebody.

And the only way you would get through it is if you thought you were genuinely like a hero in space. We talk about how bad it is. So you do the TFX test. This you don't do this is a psychological experiment. No, this is like taking a Greyhound bus across six states. If you've ever done that, like you're, they should just cast for that.

Like, have you ever taken a really long bus ride? that, like, you're, that's, they should just cast for that. They're like, hey, we're taking a really long bus ride. Okay, cool. You're in. One of these, okay, when during this part of the show, they still had a lot of people they didn't select. So they have a lot of rejects in the group. And one of them had a big ol' fuzzy blue hat on. The Jameeriqui. You've spotted the Jameeriqui. The Jameeriqui. Now, see, I think the real psychology test is happening. It's a, if the TV producers are basic enough to put some shitty fuck on TV whose entire personality is fuzzy. Jamir Koyhat. Maybe you're the suggest the one.

Jamir Koy was running his Jamir Koy science on you. Thank you. He's probably the one who came with. Right. I like that they put Jamiracoy in an elevator. That was, that was a good movie. So it's like, I just like,

I like Lennel Wolves. And then they made the, they stalled the elevator out, which was to test for their claustrophobia. But I think the real test is like, how long am I gonna stay in an elevator with Jermiracoy? And it's not 20 minutes. Without fucking him.

Without just taking his hat, like I'm gonna, I'm gonna take his hat after about five minutes. I'm, I'm just gonna do it. Uh, they did, uh, the next one they did was the silent dance. I guess to sort of test their capacity for like humiliation or, but like this turned down to a real mean spirit of thing because they didn't make them all stop at the same time. So one guy took it off and realized, oh, they're all watching him dance while he's blindfolded. And he's fucking pissed about it. He's like, oh, this is just a fucking thing.

Okay, okay, I see how this is. He's right, like, yeah. Like he didn't think that was cute. However, they also fuck up being cruel in that sense. And the, in the sense of like what they're trying to select for in the show, they say they're doing that to test their confidence. Like now we're going to take off the blindfolds one by one to see who's still dancing confidently, but they didn't tell the guy they were taking the blindfolds off, so he does not know.

Right. Therefore, you test nothing. It doesn't. You tested nothing. You tested nothing. Whether or not this guy's going to kick your after you realize that you've been humiliating him for no reason. It turns out he is, the only one who isn't is Jermé

required. Jermé required will take almost that. He'll dance. He'll dance like there's nobody watching forever. So they make a big deal about how absolutely thorough they are in their set design and picking this, I will give them that. They went, they flew to Russia to pick up all of their set filler, which at some point,

I know this was 2005, right? So we thought we're gonna live forever. Yeah. Nothing matters, everybody has a million dollars, let's just throw it around. The amount of resources just wasted for this show. Like you getting on a plane and burning all of those resources to pick up actual, instead of just ordering it from somewhere, when you know, when you selected

these people to not know about Russia, but no, they go to Russian markets to pick up their set filler. They go to, they go, here's where I got offended, they go to Russian markets to pick up litter that they then litter all around the actual English country. That was just so it's, it's also the, post so the at market because you just like, you can just buy any military gear you want in Moscow at that point in time. Right. Which I know, just walking by regular groceries and say, hey, idiots, we flew this in from

your home. You're in Russia, but look, it's regular groceries and say hey idiots we flew this in from your home. You're in Russia, but look it's regular head and shoulders This is a thing that it's so proud of like going Blank-no-one plane ticket to go to the grocery store in a different countries It's like the 79th special feature on a Pixar DVD and they let the show with it They're like guys you will believe how we built this set. We fucking botched it and put it on the walls It just makes you a man on marked, like they're not gonna know. Space shampoos.

To do this. And they actually come to this because once they get to the camp, several of the staff members that they need for the show, they realize like, oh, we can't have them be Russian because they need to understand each other and the television audience. So then they just have English people do it. You could have just done that for everything. You could have just done that for everything.

You could have just done that for every part of this. You could just show me an office designed to look like a Russian office. And I'll guess how you mostly did it. You don't need a whole special feature at on how you bought groceries. I'll just figure somebody want to a Russian grocery store. Yeah, but then Johnny fucking Vaughan

wouldn't be able to say cheap as chip skis as a joke. Yeah, that was killer. Is that a joke? That was worth it. Technically. I mean, it's either a joke or a war crime. I think I think it's under the fence. Which one? Something we've forgotten to note up to this point is that there are three actors, three plants that they put in here because they need all the help they can get with this show. They're so desperate to pull this off.

They need every every advantage. in here because they need all the help they can get with this show. They're so desperate to pull this off. This is every every advantage. This I think is the kind of the worst portrayal. Like this is extra seat. It didn't actually need and it has this intimacy. Like like you've got this buddy going through something with you and for him to be fake, that's like, whoa, what the? No, that's not cool. Fuck.

So, almost, it almost lose one of them because he's too out of shape to do anything. Well, hold on, we'll get to Steve. We got to get into Steve. Steve, Steve, Steve is a whole section of my notes. Our actors are Charlie, who just seems like a normal dude, Rainy, who seems like a normal woman and Steve, who was a goblin that lives under a bridge and will never, will never be loved by anyone again after what they've done to. If there is a thing in life that can go wrong, it will go wrong to Steve.

Yeah, he's a little shimazzle. That man is rolling, rolling critical fails on every role you make to the life. They had to know this casting him. Like, you can ask, hey, can you, uh, can you walk for like, Crickle fails on every role you met in the market. They had to know this casting him. Like you can ask, hey, can you walk for like, can you walk around a store without hurting yourself? And he's like, absolutely not. We probably won't send you to the brutal Russian training camp

for 20 days. There's no way he walked out of his audition and didn't accidentally walk into the cupboard. I can't. That's how they didn't accidentally walk into the cupboard. That's how they backed. Whoever walks into this cupboard is going to be in the interactor. In the time we started this podcast, seven things have hit him in the balls. He literally, he literally hurts himself walking like the first time we see him. And they cut a testimonial where he says, get my agents on the phone, they're not paying me enough. Please.

Don't walk. Just walk. Did they ask you if you could walk? You might have light on your resume. They also put Charlie on the spot. Who's actually very good? They put Charlie on the spot by saying he's a poet, which is an insane and incompetent decision

when you're trying to like make the blend in because you've cast media student, you've cast somebody that's called a telephonus. I don't even know what that theory is. Every single other of the genuine people on this is in some kind of low-level admin job or their acclama or an electrician. And it's like, you know, except Charlie who is a poet.

Who is a professional poet. I think I saw this later in the show, they did some like reveal that I thought was so stupid. In my notes, I just put in that knee jerk joke from contact where oh, they should have sent a poet and it hit me. Oh my God, it's him being a poet, a contact reference when Jodie Foster's in space and she can't describe the wonder of the time portal. And she said, you guys, you're a new little line, right? Yeah. Yeah. I think you're suffering from a considerable amount of Stockholm syndrome with this show at that point. And you're just trying desperately to give them any sense of competence. Well, here is the one time, they immediately, they immediately, as a comedian,

whenever I tell somebody I'm a comedian or a writer, the first thing they say to me is tell me a joke, or have I read what you've written. So they didn't think that through at all because the first thing they say when Charlie says he's a poet, is tell me a poem and I do have that clip. Before they've even arrived, Charlie's cover story that he's a poet

is suddenly put to the text. So, well, give a poem to the camera. Say a poem. Let me say a poem. Oh, no. Oh, no. A sore pebble on the beach. And it reminded me of you.

What does it look like? It's a dog behind scratching its shit into the cold sand. Meanwhile, Paul and the boys, I gotta give it to Charlie. Yeah. That's how you don't get asked to do another pop. Yeah, he went hard. It's I remember that scene because I remember it's Billy who asks him to do the poem who's sat next to him on the bus and you can physically see Billy trying to move to another seat.

Yeah. At that point. Billy, I think, was the closest thing they had to a jerk. He was the guy, I was like, this guy feels like an American reality show guy. Like, see, I thought it was going to be Paul, but Paul, I think, ended up being too stupid. Paul's like a Joey. He's a Joey from France, Canada. Paul is a golden retriever.

If we're doing dog comparisons for every single one of them, he's a Joey from France Canada. Paul is a golden retriever. If we're doing dog comparisons for every single one of them, he's a golden retriever. And we'll run down who these people are when we get to the selection process. At this point, they're still doing the selection process. And they have just a ton. They have most of the people from the interviews here. And they're weeding them out.

They're making the actors go along with all of this. And one of the tests is repelling off a mountain, to which they ask Steve to do it. And he gets to the side of the mountain. He does not get a step down the mountain and he falls over just trying to get up to where he would have to where he would go down the mountain. And then everybody talks about how it looks like he's on a toilet. This guy runs the fucking repel rope for like

This guy runs the fucking repel rope for like a zipline place, right? Like he's the guy at six flags or whatever. He's never seen anyone fail like this. He's like, he does this for like Wisconsin tourists every weekend. He's like, I've never seen anyone fucking up like this. How did you do that? This is for nine year old girls on Brownie expeditions. And Steve just like this shot at this should have been all one elaborate show. At Steve's expense to make him like the least loved person in Britain. Again, we're going to do this.

So much. That's what has this show should have just been following Steve around and telling him that they got him another job going under cover on reality show. And just again, all every variation of the show is better than this show. So we weed it down to nine through. I want to say that right here in my notes, you're never going to believe me, but I'm calling it here in episode one actor, Steve fuck something up catastrophically. I made that bold prediction. I'm not sure if I was completely right, but... Forshadowing, all of this is forshadowing

for how bad everything goes at every stage of this show. So eventually, as we know only three will make it plus the actor, but we're down to our nine. They tell us at this point that the contestants will be in isolation for weeks before they even start the show and then will be in further isolation for weeks as they do the show. And then their prize at the end is to go back into isolation for more weeks. Like, you're just, I got to put you in the hole to prepare you for the whole. Then once

you've done with the whole, your reward is more whole, which you're still not going to be convinced is real because we've just been so long to see you about the last hole. But they narrow it down. Our final cadets, the final nine anyway, they're going to the camp are Andrew, who thinks he's a leader. Astrid, that's our telephonist, which I got to assume in 2005 wasn't a career. That's not a thing. Billy, who's only personality trait at this point, is him in playing.

He might have a big dick, but is not willing to commit to that. Cheryl, who I kind of like, but I don't know why because I can't understand what word she says. I don't know if that's just me. Well, welcome to the adjoida is putting a show together with everyone who has a regional British accent. God, totally lost honor, but she seems great. Maybe she's saying terrible racist things, and there will be a come-up, it's for me at

some point. It's Kerry who wants to be an astronaut, you know, she was getting through because it's cruel. PE teacher Louise Paul, who looks like a dog watching Magic Trick, but does not get it, will not get where the treat went. There's a guy with a ginger afro named Ryan, Sarah Jane, who says, I like fun, which I like as a personality, and then plus their actor is Charlie, a lady named Rainy, who is very upbeat and normal and Steve.

They kept Steve after this. They kept Steve. When he proved he does not have the ability to walk, they were like, sounds great. Here's your brutal Russian training. Hope nothing goes wrong there. This is the cast they narrowed down to. They got rid of fucking the fake scam,

the Lord of Lord Frumple Roy up there. They got rid of Gay Dennis. They got rid of Hates the Gays Damian. This is our Royal, they got rid of gay Dennis, they got rid of hates the gays Damien, this is our cast, it's gonna be the most boring thing that has ever happened. They only just now finally tell all of the contestants what the show is about. So up to this point they got to be worried like there's some part of them that has to be worried like is this another cannibal thing? I barely escaped the last one. Here is the reveal. You are about to become the first televised British space tourist.

That's right. Let's just go through that again. You can take it. The very first televised British space tour. I left it in so you can hear them go, okay. Okay, we'll fix it in post all we want. But they don't, they don't fix it in post. You're going to space. Some of you are going to outer space. It's like, it just needs a punch. It's Thought he worked in show business

At this point he makes a big show giving everyone an out but they all of course say yes I like this part because Sarah Jane tries to give an Oscar speech and Johnny immediately cuts her off like within seconds She says yes, and then starts to be like and I'd'd like to, and he's like, no, Steve, what's up? And Steve somehow doesn't walk into the propeller. I guess. Yeah, it's a miracle. You try, Steve's like, you tried us. Stop making it from him getting on that.

Steve, Steve, I think I could do that. I take that challenge. I think any nearby rake will stop you from getting on that. Steve, Steve, here is my counter move. Stairs to the play. And they make them all get on the plane. And then they circle the plane over the ocean for four hours. Again, I'm just, I'm not like an ecotarrist, but the waste of resources for this of all things.

Yeah, they, they fucking licensed the John Denver song. They're leaving on a jet plane like fucking why bother with any of this like That's a five-figure music licensing fee like they just are throwing money at this trash You you also can't tell me it isn't genuinely an FAA violation of some kind to lie to passengers about where they're going If you're the pilot on the line. That's what I'm saying, right? There's crimes. There are actual crimes if somebody wanted to prosecute this. Human trafficking, kidnapping, a number of crimes.

Like you could, then you get this is illegal. What you have done, a lot of it. I like, I like when they cut to other testimonials and Billy, Billy can't believe it. Billy says, my, my kid's going to grow up saying my dad has been to space. Andrew says, my mom said I was destined for great things just to like grind in that this is a tragedy. We are attempting at least to make here. It's like don't put these lines. I genuinely don't think it's until after like episode three that someone has a word with them and says you do realize that it's coming across really

badly. How much you're about to Ralph Wiggum, these people. I guess in 2005, we were all a little more cruel, but this, it does feel, especially from like the modern lens, like this just fucking sadistic. And like, you can see, you can watch them build the dreams up, just so I don't know that these people are like,

they're gonna be hurt by this, fuck them, right? This is a dry run for your CIA-SIO. This is how the mission and possible team would get your half of the password. None of these people ever trust anyone again. I guess that's my point. This is a fucking- No, that's the problem.

There is. You know that every single one of these prey people trusted everyone again. Mm-hmm. Yeah, maybe you could. That is- What does that William syndrome where the dogs just have to love you? You just you selected very carefully for people that have to love you no matter what and then betrayed

them. It is you know what? This whole thing is a magic trick to a dog. It's that about Paul. It's the whole show. I forgot to mention they bought a tank. They bought a tank for this show just for the one section. It takes about three seconds where they bought a tank. They bought a tank for this show, just for the one section. It takes about three seconds where they drive a tank out and never use it again. I feel compelled as a military historian to point out that even screwed this up because it's not a tank, it's a self-propelled gun.

It's a tank. It's a real shitty little twist. Shitty tank. Because that's the thing, it's like, the guy doing the line budget is like, okay, I can get your tank, but you know what? We'll save some money if I can get you like a stupid little propel gun. I like five.

They'll believe it. They're hobbies are not military basins. I thought of this. I don't worry. We've covered it. I asked specifically about tanks. So we are like 10 minutes into episode two. The plane is just landed where we're about to begin the grand experiment.

And Louise says these exact words. Some of our cadets were scarily closer to the truth than they could ever imagine. I think it's exactly like that. We're going to be crying too. And you're going to go, ha, ha, I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. Are you going to cry? I'm going to cry. So 10 minutes, the plane is just touched down. She's not even off to see the base yet.

And she says, I think this is all fake. I think at the end you're going to go, aha, and look at my face. And Johnny prefaces this by saying, closer to the truth than she could ever imagine. I would say she's, she could imagine it. I think she, uh, think she imagined it pretty good. Yeah, I don't, I, what do they have for the drama?

They start off with like some fake paperwork dispute. Like the guys like, you're not on list. Oh, I genuinely liked that. I thought that was brilliant. That's Ryan. They basically revealed out they get the guy in the fake Russian Union uniform, which is actually a Soviet Union with Soviet stars all over it, to pretend that Ryan, the guy with the big hair, isn't on the list, which I presume is meant to make all the other ones

waiting on the bus for him really worried, except they're all so excited to be on the bus, they just don't care. Yeah, they just don't notice for a long time, and then they do, and they're like, oh, that's weird. And this is the most easy guy, easy going guy ever. So he doesn't care. And I feel like shit like this happens

like every three times you drive to Mexico. It's just like paperwork. Like it just happens. And I swear to God, they spend four hours on it. And they finally let him on the bus. And then he tells them the entire story again. So here's a fun tip. If you're a TV editor and then he tells them the entire story again. So here's a fun tip. If you're a TV editor and you're putting in a paperwork story, followed by a full description of the paperwork story, you show fucking socks. You don't have enough

good footage. You blew it. And it does. It absolutely does. There are just long stretches of absolutely nothing throughout this entire show. They need to fill five hours for this series, five hours, and they had, what, five, six months of footage? Like, that's an insane, and it's got to be a 70% clip show. So really, they took months and months of people's hard work and millions of dollars and boil it down to like two hours of extremely boring trash. And that's just, I can't scare you thing is this must be the best

they could have come out with. Yep. That's being generous. I think if anybody who knew what they were doing was involved with it, maybe you could have edited out all the parts where the entire entire cast just guesses what's going on or the long stories about nothing.

Hey, how about we edit that taking a test section down some instead of watching somebody take an entire test and say, if you say that you've got 50 minutes to do the test, that doesn't mean you need to show the entire 50 minutes of people sitting at test. Lansing to the clock. It's time takes it. It's terribly by like a fucking German art film.

This happens. I talk about every part of the show fails, but they don't have very good coverage. So a lot of the footage is security camera footage. They don't have like a camera guy and a sound guy running around with these people getting good shots. So I don't know. I guess nothing really looks exciting when it's a security game footage of someone taking

a test, but I feel like if you're next to them and zooming in on them and like, you could make a nice angle for 10 seconds, you could get the tense, like test taking action. Right, you could. Especially as this entirely justifiable, you might have camera men in this room because you've already told that it's going to be broadcast on television. And this is the first British bass astronauts. You would make absolute sense to have camera men in those rooms. Yep, they could have put one in space with them and it would have it would have only made the story more believable. So here's a fuck up that I like that they realize you can sometimes watch this show realize

that they have a bit on their hands when anybody else would have realized the bit instantly. So they start off by having all the guards do little scripted skits. Even though they don't realize at this point, they've self-selected for people specifically who don't speak Russian. So this is for nobody. And you could put anything in there. This is where you could put a joke or something in there. They don't realize it yet. They will get there. They will realize eventually this is this is the place for quote unquote jokes. But at the start, they're just have actors do

we skits for no one, which is I think a great metaphor for this entire show. which is, I think a great metaphor for this entire show. The host, are Johnny talks about their host for this mission, the mission commander, Campbell, commander Campbell. And I will give them one thing. I think this was great casting because he talks fucking crazy. This is what the first thing he says to them. Say something like a basketball.

What's the sound? What's. Oh, okay, everyone. Would you like to settle down in the comfy chair? Yeah, I have to settle down. That's pretty weird. Would you like to settle down in the comfy chairs? At the very end, you see, I think it's Paul who says, yeah, I'd love to settle down. Because he is in pure dog mode. And at the very end, you see, I think it's Paul who says, yeah, I'd love to settle down. Because he is in pure dog mode because he told him to sit.

Because he told him to sit. Oh, yes, I was told. Paul Neppapali is waiting for his train. You do have a biscuit, of course. You don't have a bit. You don't have a biscuit. This is a trail around the time they started showing the video diaries. They made them record and that really the crushing pointlessness of all this, the sad humiliation of this, like it kind of hit me at a more like severe level, like just this is this is carry shit, this is how you like create a murderer, like why make them record all of these like intimate thoughts about their experiences when they're so phony and just fill hundreds of hours with it.

It's just the uselessness of this endeavor like hits hit me here in a way that I really felt it. I do think this is the point where you realize as an audience how pointless this all is. When they announce we're going to do video diaries, there's a room for it. It's Andrew who gets incredibly excited and he records the very first video diary

of this entire experiment and I have it right here. Okay. I'm going to fucking video diary room to fucking record a message. I'm going to do a shit. I would. Andrew, a student from South London, is the first to record a video diary.

This is different. This is Sinehouse. It's fucking him. He's freezing, you know. You know, yeah. Someone is going to go to space. Can you believe that space? Excuse me, excuse me, sorry

That's a that's a very first video diary He's left to do it as well He leapt to his feet, screamed, I'm gonna go record a fucking video diary. He gets in there, he launches like a Calvin Klein model, and he just goes, ah, space. He found the worst place you could fart, and did it.

You know everyone's excited to run in there afterwards. We're shining in close include space being heavily recorded. He's like, it's just, there's nowhere to play as the fart. I really liked this because people were starting to talk about how fake it all feels. And then Steve, who's so bad, is like, wow, this shirt is plausible. Got fellas? Wow. Like.

And then he like goes into record his thing Steve does and he's saying all of the shit so out like I can't believe I'm on a fake reality show but just one wall away from all these marks and then I have my notes that he gets his toenail kicked off by the other actor. Charlie. He got his first day. He gets his fucking gross toenail kicked off. He makes sure we get a nice close-up of it. He sticks his filthy foot up into the camera bleeding and swollen everywhere just so we can see his shapeless pale bloody feet and make sure that nobody will ever forgive or love him again. Ever with his own dog. Don't show that editor out. But if we tell, don't show, you don't need to show us

a really gross toe. It's not, it doesn't add anything. But it's Steve, so he did, he did need to do that. And it's not, it's foreshadowing. It's more foreshadowing specifically for how gross Steve is. Yeah. He is a guile-ass idiot of fucking weakling falling into parts just the absolute worst undercover agent anyone could possibly have. I can't believe he gets his toenail kicked off on the first day. Shows us his filthy filthy foot. And it's not the grossest thing he does in this

episode. All right. So so now we finally caught on that we can do bits in languages. They don't understand commander Campbell tells them the stars motto in Latin. And they tell us it actually means it's not rocket scientists, although he tells them it means we the adventurers. What is that? What is the punchline? There's nothing to that. Yeah, that if're going to fake, if you're going to do fake translation, like at least make the thing that it really says, not actually also valid as the motto for the space agency. Yeah, do something. And you can see, like these are just notes that anybody would give at

any point in the show, because they eventually get that note, but far too late. I'm actually, this is also the point where it becomes really slight young comfortable as it becomes really obvious that this is just a whole show built around mocking people who've not really had a lot of opportunity in life. And it's like and you get all the Johnny Vaughan cutaways where it's like, haha, look at them. They don't speak another language and you're know, oh, is that fun? Yeah. They make their speech class. And they make us watch them go to class. So we, they stay for the joke is that this is a long boring welcome lecture for a prank show. And then

they show us the entire lecture. And it's long. and it's boring, it's terrible television. They show us them actually taking notes on this, like they are so eager, they're gonna take notes on this meandering stranger. He finally gets to the part where he tells them the one big glaring problem with all this, they did not figure out a way to fake zero G.

Like, that should have come up at the idea stage for this right that should have been like the third thing you say when somebody's like I've got an idea for a prank show it's going to be my first post in though on the whiteboard when someone says this in in in the in the the spoke scoping session yeah see just here in my notes I made a note that like the way they handle it here at the beginning was kind of reasonable. They're just like, they do it right. They could get away with the explanation they give here. I've got it as well.

They say that they're just not going to be high enough to get weightless. And they give numbers and they're going to be twice as high as the carbon line, but I think it'd be weird for these people to know that off the top of their head. Like, they selected them to not know that. And it's not like they're telling them, like I have this in my notes, it's not like they're telling them they have a quantum grab generator or some shit. They just say we're not going to be high enough to be weightless. But later in the show, they change this and say we do have like some bleeding edge gravity

simulator that now I have taken this clip specifically for what you just said, which is that they had it. They give them a real quick handway, the explanation where they say, we're just going to, we're not going to be high enough. And here's how that goes. So far, so good, but brace yourselves for what could already be the end of the show. The moment we tell them, there'll be no zero gravity on their mission, which means they won't be floating around. Will they buy it?

One thing that may surprise you, it might disappoint you, but it makes our life easier. Is that it's unlikely you'll experience weightlessness. On this mission you'll be scourting the Earth's atmosphere, high enough to reach orbit, but still within the reach of Earth's gravitational pull. Full training and a climatisation to the zero gravity environment takes 12 months, which we haven't got. Brace yourselves for the thing that can bring down the whole show. Here is a gentle English man, very slowly explaining something that sounds kind of reasonable at first glance.

Well, that's why I think they have to then create the antigrav generators, because they want at least one of the people to go. That sounds a bit dodgy. And no one does. So they try and create a question that doesn't exist. So they have to then try and up it to create it later on Exactly. So then they come up with the second stupider explanation because they did not get because they're so bad at this They did not get the reaction. They wanted

I just wanted to clarify you can hear Nobody asking any questions at the end of that cliff. And why would this? All that sounds totally reasonable to me, and I had the internet in front of me while they were saying it. And I was just punchy-gun at such a weird way. This isn't happening upon someone in a wheelchair and making fun of them. It's holding a nationwide search for the saddest wheelchairs and sparing no expense to trap them all at the bottom of the most elaborate staircase.

It's it's just monstrous in a way that like I don't understand how no one saw this like in all the people that must have been on this crew. No one said like, whoa, what the fuck are we doing? How many millions of dollars are we and for and for what? Yeah, we bought a tank. We're not a tank. No, not a good tank. We got a tank. We got a tank. You know, you know that tank is currently in service in the Russian Army in Ukraine right now. Right.

They are at a level now. We got a little tank. And the other thing is, this is a bit where I thought they announced that the whole program is funded by a Russian billionaire called Boshchov. And I was like, oh, right, here we go. He's going to turn up later, and there'll be some skits around him. And I was like, all right, here we go. He's gonna turn up later, and there'll be some skits around him, and everything else is in the book.

Nope. Wouldn't that be hilarious and fun? No, no, it would not. You know what, would be instead, a long boring, welcoming lecture and test taking would be a lot of fun. All right, so we're, to the training, the physical training stage of the show,

and they make a big deal of telling us that they got, fun. Alright, so we are to the training, the physical training stage of the show. And they make a big deal of telling us that they got for the first time a genuine Russian. They have a Russian everybody. Wow. Everybody else is doing a stupid accent. They have one Russian. His name is Val. They say he's X KGB special forces. And therefore capable of stopping his own heart. But I think we all are. I mean, I could, I could right now. You just gotta remember that. I think Val has been padding his CV.

I like Val. I like Val, Val showed him how to show. Val is the MVP of this entire show. Yep. He's got just, he's got the right vibe that nobody else in this show has where he's kind of having fun, he's taking it easy. He knows what he's doing He's a little bit serious like nobody knows what to make of him

Nobody else follows his lead though. I wish they all did Val's great Carrie, Carrie says it better. She says Val He's like spider-man God and the terminator rolled into one times that by a thousand and you've got Val You hopefully me want to tell you this. I think she might like to fuck him. Yeah, I couldn't pull his descriptions was EZR disman I've ever met Of course we we cut that down a little bit because the B-roll footage of him doing cute little summer salts while everybody says this about him is I'm super great. He does seem like a tough dude.

Like when he's doing, he's doing just those press ups that are actually more difficult to do the normal press ups, you know, when you're holding your hands in a different way and all of that kind of thing. So, for sure. At one point, just to just a fuck with Steve, he lifts him up over his shoulders and shakes him around, which is such a dangerous move when you're dealing with Steve, who is just a water balloon filled with diarrhea. Steve, Steve, you two seconds before has almost fainted on his feet. He has literally collapsed just before valve picks

him up and spins him around, puts him down, says, you find now. And Steve's like, no, I love that so much. He's on the light jar version. I'm gonna show him. On the light jar portion. Steve is, of course, lagging behind. He's got, I want to say three feet of drool off of his face. They asked to remove with his hands and we watch all of it.

This is just about making this man as unafocable as possible. And these are the best. Because he's got no toenail. He's got no toenail. He's got no toenail. It's covered in three feet of drool. I think you like to make a baby flashlight. And shaking around again, like a big fat baby. Just again, I'm doing that bit again, but I think this is a good show. If you take this idiot Steve who thinks he's an undercover actor and

you just torture him, he's like, I'm the spy, I'm here among a group of people who think they're astronauts and then you just make him do some assaults until he shits his pants. That's a show. And that's very literally what we're watching, I guess. Never mind. The best part of it. Charlie, at this point, says something that I think is really prophetic. He says, this is hard, boring, painful, annoying, slightly fun. I'm hoping

the whole fun thing is going to crank up a little bit just a fantastic summary of this entire show. I can't put it in the clip section. I put it in the clip section. Or if you do pull back and say, we're TV executives who tricks these producers into thinking they're doing a real prank show. Oh, that's your show. Then maybe pull out once more to reveal you watching it home. A bit of robot this whole time. Then you're like, what the shit?

They also reveal at this point that they have to do 65 hours of tuition. So somebody had to write, they had to hire writers to write 65 hours of fake college courses. And I can't imagine anything more soul crushing. Nobody that wrote those courses ever wrote again. Like that was it. That was the dream for them. Because about what, 15, 20% of it is fake and like, it's supposed to be funny, but it's very much not. They didn't get like, the UK's hottest comedy writers to come in and fucking punch up this fake lecture.

So they're just kind of teaching them stuff that's a little bit wrong. The irony of this is this is because by the end of episode two I was reading the credits and I spotted the name Richmond Richard Osmond as the producer and creator of this and I was like I know that name and the short version is he is legitimately now one of British find Britain's finest comedy writers and presenters and everything else. This is not on his Wikipedia page, and I looked up and it was him that created it. This is his moment of shame. He has everything on his Wikipedia page apart from this. That's very real.

The idea, when you just say, let's convince people they're going to space and then we just don't. And you're like, ah, there's problems with that. Somebody else is like, no, we'll do it. I'm sure that's how he created it. I'm sure he set it out loud and was like, hold on, what are we gonna do about the zero gravity thing?

Like, don't, don't worry about it. We got, we got it. I'm sure that's how he justifies it in the hey. I just not convinced that he's gonna happen. All right, so it's the middle of the night after the first day of class. I had a thing in my notes I wanna talk about, because Steve, who can't walk and sure,

his fuck can't karate summer salt. And he goes and does the testimony or he volunteers to be the brains of the outfit because I got to be the brains because I can't be the body. It's like Steve, you're the fucking kidney stone buddy. Not the anything. Steve, Steve you have the diarrhea of the outfit and I think I can prove that by the next section where you make it when you wake up in the middle of the night you puke. It went to have very public diarrhea in front of just everybody. So, yeah, to be clear, they gave them dozens of hours of mostly wrong education. They made everybody really sick and that's what we've done.

So congratulations, England. You fucked around and invented America again. This is a Florida grade school. So he brings Steve back. Steve explains he had the stomach flu. No shit. Then he tries to spin it like he's a hero for not going back to exercise some more. He's like, well, I couldn't return

to risk infecting everyone and ruining their grand adventure. Huh, you didn't want to do more sit-ups when you had diarrhea? He's a hero. He's a national hero. But they do show, they do show the dialogue between everyone after Steve's gone, where people suddenly start to turn on him and be like hang on. He said he was sick yesterday. So he's been sick all this time and he's been risking our going to space and you just get this gradual escalation of people like comedy, you know, they're making playing off each other of kind of, well, I spoke to him face to face and it just ends with Paul going, well I made love to him and he could have told me, which is just genuinely one of the few funny moments in the entire show.

Paul's cursing off that to this day. funny moments in the entire show. Paul's coasting off that to this day. But I admit I was wrong. Steve did not fuck it up. They kicked him off the show here and he managed to not destroy the entire bit with his incompetence. That's Charlie. Charlie does that many times. Yes. Charlie will destroy the entire bit trying to be clever. So we go back to the training classroom, where, and this is going to sound like I'm exaggerating, we spend about 20 minutes talking about the tragedy of the first dog in space who then died.

We take about 20 minutes to talk about adorable dogs dying in our comedy show. Yeah, and then they decided they're going to make up a whole bunch of stuff, and the thing, the only bit of genuine stuff they show us that they teach them is about a dog dying of stress and heat and heat issues in space. Yeah, and heat exhaustion. They specifically describe how the dog dies until until Freddie, I think it's Freddie, no, Freddie's gone until it's Cheryl is broken written in my that's it. That's it. Yeah. Until Cheryl has to flee, uh, sobbing your comedy show.

Once again, and then they tell them that they have a city called minsk named after the monkey minskie. And I, this is genuinely absurd. So like great work show, but also, um, I feel like no one's going to question this too much. Like maybe like it sounds a little silly, but I I feel like no one's gonna question this too much. Maybe it sounds a little silly, but I'm not gonna stop the class without my phone and say, your fool's no mongreless of

savage to name a city after an ape. She's not against the seabirds. Every single one of these lectures is punctuated with a cutaway to Johnny Vaughn saying, look at them believing the experts we put in front of them. And he's like, yeah, because they're freaking experts. Strings they know. They're idiots. You know that we've established that. What's your next move? How do you increase this premise? How do you step this forward from, we got a bunch of idiots and we're going to lie to them? Oh no, it's episode three of 10 and we don't have another thing. But yeah funny bit with the dead space dogs guys. I don't take rises to the level of prank. I think I believe you're entirely true. Sad dead dog stories and it sucks and it made me sad and then they play a very long time. They do play like a silly pop song in the dogs honor and that's, I guess that's something

that like a space dog lover driven mad by despair might do. So again, I don't think I'd call them out on it. Like I'm not gonna choose to heckle your weird grief. Like I'm not gonna be like, ah-ha, this is a prank. You're very sad and a strange way to understand. It's just fucking, it's such an unfair prank. And part of what I like about Joe Schmo,

which I mentioned early, and W Superstar, is like there's so many opportunities for a self-aware person to realize, oh, this is a prank, whereas there's just not that here. Everyone the whole time is like this is probably fake, but like they never pull the trigger on it because that would be fucking silly. Well, because again, because they can't,

they've got another, they have an episode to get through. And they've got the simulator from space scalpers in the other room. And because if you guess, if I guess this is a prank, and I guess the exact nature of the prank, I say you're tricking us into thinking we're going to space as at least four of these people have publicly done at this point, and it keeps going,

you're like, what, that would be insane. It would be insane to keep going. You would spend millions of dollars to continue to not fool me. Surely I must be wrong. Because the alternative is so stupid, nobody would do it. But they are doing it. God. So no, instead they give them three weeks of useless education. Which again, that's just cursive, boom in your face, turn grade. Okay, I want to cover that how that's a crime, because I also believe that's a crime. Probably. To teach somebody, if it's entirely fake and you can dismiss all of it, okay, that's kind of a prank. If it's 80% true, which they say, and it's 20% not, and then you actually use rigorous methods of education where they perform exercises, they have textbooks, they take notes, he makes them take exams to cement it in their head.

None of these people actually can forget that. These people now have these as facts in their heads that they will be like 20 years from now, they'll say that Minsk is named after the monkey and be like, wait, was that real? Is that fucking real? Well, the hazelnut cluster, they make a big thing about how they convinced him that there's an area of space called the hazelnut cluster. And you're like, we literally live in the fricking

Milky Way. It's not that absurd. It's not that different, you know. It's just, it's crimes. It's crimes are humans and humans fuck around. It's a crime to 20% pollute the knowledge of idiots. Like, they need all of it and this, yeah, this is illegal. I like that they come back from their first day,

their next day of class and they do a testimony on video diary from Billy who is now getting very worried about the competition from the other idiots. He looks at Paul and he's worried he can't beat Paul. I think that's incredible. And he's incredibly low-balled to be worried about. The billy is so shaken by this education. He's like, I'm not gonna take Paul.

Like, what man could defeat Paul? And so they continue. I can't believe we're still continuing with the classroom. This is several episodes that they will continue to do this. They get another act in a thomad to pretend to be from mission control. And he gives them silly fake nicknames like like flight capcom, phyto, Nacus and and momey. And none of these, some of them are real, none of them are any more ridiculous than actual military nicknames, which are intentionally ridiculous. Yeah, I didn't even look it up, but I figured starting at Fido, they were fake, but I don't

know. Yeah, so the fake ones were Fido, Lido, which is a type of swimming pool, Dido, Nacas, which is obviously a British thing for your bits and mummy. But as you say, like real military terms are deliberately silly like this. It's a thing the military does. Why would you, why would you suspect these weren't the same? Yeah, this is not a prank. It's not a joke. It's just a lie. This is the, this is the thank you for defining the difference between a joke and the lie this show. This is how you tell. Tom goes on to show them much of silly pictures to prove a true point of like being

actually this like because they kind of, I don't want to spoil anything for the end, but like they kind of said like, oh, here's all the different ways we trick you. But imagine saying that thing is not even called Lido. Like can you imagine someone hearing that thing like, oh my god, you caught me. Like, it's, you can tell it's not a prank because that interaction can't exist. I guess, nobody, nobody would ever understand that. If you told them that on this show,

they'd be like, how are you thinking so far ahead? Are you magic? Where is, okay, where's the snack? It's like, I've been in, I've played the indie games with really bad, the games where they create this kind of massive scenario where a whole bunch of stuff is fake and they do that at the end and they go, I can't believe you didn't, you didn't work out that this was fake because of XYZ and you're like, all of those things seem reasonable in the context that you gave them to us. Why would you see them as fake?

Yes, that's, it's this entire show and nothing exemplifies that better than this exercise they're doing here, which is Tom showing them pictures and he shows them silly pictures, but in the context he says it's important to be accurate no matter what you're looking at. So he shows them silly pictures and has them practice describing exactly what they see no matter how silly. And the joke is that the pictures are very silly. No, that's the exercise. That's the exercise. That's built into the, that's actually how learning works.

And it's the one point is the one point where Paul absolutely lands one of the smartest things he would ever say, which is he's shown a picture of a puddle and and he says his reply is I command I appear to be looking at a puddle and the guy corrects him and says no you shouldn't say I appear to be because that's very vague and he just turned around and goes but I don't know it's a puddle it might be a stain I need to touch it or get close to it to see it's a puddle. And it's like, yeah, Paul, actually, that's really small. You're right. Paul's dumbness, his simplicity is so, so far ahead of the show is like, Shaqainery. Yeah, he's just, he's too simple to be tricked by this type of shit. So you can help. But Paul, you may have problems with your writing.

Shroudic. Yeah. I would argue that none of the things were silly enough. Like they were silly in a fucking the most square ass grandma way. Like, what if the fawns met Rambo and they did a high five? It's just like, yeah, okay, that's a fine first draft. Let's put it up on the board. See if we can beat it. Right, but that's 100% something like a cool teacher would do

as an exercise. Yeah. Like that is added. That's what's happening. Yeah, I want teacher would do was an exercise. Yeah. That is what's happening. Yeah. I want to have that happen in a college course. Which is the only frame of reference all of these people have is school. But that's where they repeatedly say all the way through, oh, this reminds me of when I was doing my GCSEs, you know, the equivalent of the kind of the high school tests.

Because that's the only frame of reference they have for this. None of them have been to university. You know, they don't have that frame of reference going actually, maybe this isn't how stuff is taught at this level when they say they're going to teach us astrophysics. Yeah, there's a, both versions of the office start with the manager, like stopping by a little funny toy in the office, like Ricky Gervais stops by a monkey and he goes, oh, monkey. And then Michael Scott stops by a Homer Simpson and it just is all smug and proud of how zany they are.

Like that's what this feels like to me. It's like, and that's just a silent joke to let an audience know instantly this guy fucking sucks. And the show did that unintentionally. This is shorthand for how fucking stupid someone is and they're doing it unironically. It's finally time I think it's time to wrap up part one of this podcast which can only end with penis skate. It's the only drama that has happened in this entire show. It's the only drama or source of conflict that has happened in this entire show. In the show, yes. Why wouldn't you?

It's the only drama or source of conflict that has happened in this show, a reality show about tricking these people to make them live together. They did it so badly that this, this is the big source of conflict. Kerry, I asked her not Kerry, who was taking this seriously,

gets up, she's studying, she gets up to leave, I get a drink and a Paul Who is who was child draws a penis on her paper? He makes a huge deal out of lying about it when she gets back like no, I would never I would never do this to him and so Paul They start to have a fight about it and Paul is out of his element with all of these With all of these words and these talkings. And this is how he explains his thinking. Are you being an autoboy? No, it's just a bell in the middle of a

course, but a paper and she's at the breakday. Yes, but how's that? Like Cheryl says, if you would have written all your stuff out and we would start defacing it, well how would you feel? Mr. Take me seriously. No, if I went through life worrying about what people said to me all the time. Yeah, but hang on, look how close this is. I get that time. You can see it and then I'll have mine and then you have yours and then carry on there. If I went through my life worrying about what people thought of me all the time, I'd never get on. You've got to understand if you want people to take you seriously, yeah, you can play around.

But don't like when someone's actually taking the time to do their stuff then don't just shit back. Right, but it's half a page is a Willie, grow up. 10 minutes of TV, 10 minutes of TV they spend. Yeah. They were so excited. We finally got our drama here. And they just worked it out. Like he's a piece of shit.

Obviously he shouldn't have done it. And then he lied about it. And then he's like, oh, I don't even care what people think. While he's clearly caring what people think. But like they took turns talking and worked it out. Like this, this honestly made me proud to be British because I sat there and thought that on any American show, this is going to end in a screaming argument. And here it ends with two people who really can't quite see each other's point of view.

But genuinely feeling a bit bad and poor apologizes. And then everyone moves on and everyone's fine with it and I'm like, that is what I, that is my country at its best. We're terrible at everything else, but just for that one moment that showed us our best. One glorious moment. So England had a chance to shine. And it was all about someone just drawing a hairy cock and bulls on a bit paper. That's appropriate.

I like that they that Paul is Trump's sops and he gets carried away trying to describe what he thinks a conversation is. Like I say something and then you have your bit and then I have mine and then you went and they have to say, okay, carry on. Yep. They go, okay, I was you're right, I was stuck in a loop there. I was just going to keep going. And then he like gives us two most predictable words. Like, oh, here's how it was gonna end that sense.

Well, yeah, okay, no shit. And grow up. I just threw a dick on your paper. Grow up. Right. And of course, the response, you cut that off, but the response was like, how that? Maybe you do that.

You're the one who drew the dick and started this. Which is the obvious. Everyone has fair points. You know, how excited they must have been in the booth when this happened, they gone, this is it, you finally got some conflict. Jackpot. And we shall call it with all of our writers,

our staff removers writers. We shall call it penis gigs. Dude, on Flavor of Love Season 2, a woman took a ship on the floor. And that took up less screen time than this dude trying to take. Yeah. Shit, they shall call it shit gate. and that took up less screen time than this dude trying to take. And they shall call it shitgate. They didn't call anything.

They just were done. There was other crazy things happening. Guess I wasn't the craziest thing that happened that day. That's called, that's how you do reality television. You said you were so proud of your country because of how they worked out this problem and walked away. I'm so proud of my country because a woman took a shit on the floor and we were just like whatever next. Die Krasse sind in der Hundezone, die sind in der Stunde. Komm schon, du kannst dich machen.

Ich bin nicht Hunde! Ich bin nicht Hunde! Ich bin nicht Hunde! Ich bin nicht Hunde! Ich bin nicht Hunde! Ich bin nicht Hunde! Ich bin nicht Hunde! I'm St. Walter, Frankfurt! I'm St. Walter, Frankfurt! I'm St. Walter, Frankfurt!

Yeah, no it's housing! The Supremes were city's marked kids, drifting their way off the street until they were framed for a cry. They didn't commit. One 900 hot dog mounted an appeal to put them back on the street. This time in business casual as a private mercenary force. Together they are, hot dog and supreme. Starry, Aaron Crosston, Adrian H, Aiden Moat, Alpha scientist Javo, on Andy, Armando

Navar, with special guest star Badger as Bon, Boni Sam Sapson, Benjamin Sirenin, Bim Tolzer, Brendan Garlock, Burrito, Cerelle, Chase, Clementine Danger, featuring Craig LeBoyne and Quavis as the Rappin Quakers. Dan B. David Shull. Dean Costello. Devin the Rogue Supreme. The role of naked president is played by Dresden. Dusty's Rad title.

Eric Rion is the Master Ninja. Every zinc, fancy shark. Garrett is the Master of Ninjas. Jellahoe, Greg Cunningham, Hambo, Haraka is Ninja Master 9000. Harvey Penn-Gweeney, Huck, Fart, Huck, Jaber, Al, Aiden. James Boyd as corrupt politician. James Boyd. Aiden James Void as corrupt politician James Void Jeff Oresky Jim Salter John Dean John

McCammon John Minkoff Joseph Sears as himself Josh S Joshua Graves Justin B as type Just-in-B as Type-Boyd Urchin number 6. Ken Paisley, K&M, Kyle Campbell as, Urchin Master 9000, Lisa, M. Jahishapel, featuring the musical talents of MC Mark Toronto Mac Mahoney. Mac Riley, Max Barore, Michael Lair, with special guest star Mickey Loman as the knife boy, Mike Styles, Mojoo. The role of Mr. Bob Gray will be played tonight by Mr. T in unoffensive wig. Indeed Neil Bailey is Corpulent Louisiana Con man number 17. Nia Sheifer, Neku 104.

Nick Relston, Ozzy Olin, Patrick Herbst, Rachel. Riannan is Corpulent, Louisiana, Hanman Master 9000. Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, Spade Reception. Supernaught, featuring 1010, Lumberterus Arangatan. 10H, Thomas Kabatos, Timilei, not, featuring 10-10 the murderous Arangatan. 10-H. Thomas Kabatos.

Timmy Leihy. Tommy G. Toastie God plays Judge Rageem McBlaster. Velo plays Dr. Blast McRageem. Vuster plays Professor Stevenson. Whalen Russell. Yannis Ironitis. With special guest star Brian Say Sailor-Edge, the Streets Pope.

I'm afraid it's your world against mine, Mr. T, and who are they gonna believe some convicted felon? Or the man who blesses the rats? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Leave.