The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 159, Queen Of The Damned With Jamie Kelly

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

Brockway uses his vampiric powers to seduce Seanbaby and guest, Jamie Kelly, into his trap: This podcast about the 2002 movie Queen of the Damned, where Lestat the vampire awakens because nu metal is too sweet to sleep through. That's not a joke, that's seriously the plot. He joins a nu metal band and sings with the voice of Korn's Johnathan Davis! Still somehow not a joke!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900HotDog.com, America's last fun website. We don't care what modern media says. No artificial intelligence would willingly sit through Queen of the Damned three times in one weekend. We're irreplaceable. I'm Queen Robert Brockwayne with me is damned, Sean baby.

Nailed it. Perfect. And our guest who will also be making the new metal squawk, Jamie Kelly. Good enough, right? Oh, that was pretty good. Kind of a kind of a butler doing the new metal skunk. If you asked if you asked a British butler to do disturbed, he would go, Mm-mm, mm-mm. Cadbury, get down with the sickness. Get the door and then get down with the sickness, Cadbury. That's what I would say to my butler. When we should all be so lucky as to have.

That's what we promise to do with your Patreon pledges. Get a new metal butler. Could you imagine if you saw sitcom called New Metal Butler, how quickly you would watch that? Yeah, because it would be gone. I would know it would be gone. It would just be, I have to watch this before it disappears from the cultural consciousness, which is right now. Oh God, it's too late.

We're a bit loopy. Me and Sean at least have watched Queen of the Damned, the 2002 vampire movie, several times over the course of this weekend, which is not medically advisable. Jamie, before we get into it, where can people find more of you? Right now, the big plug is my podcast, the approximate podcast, it is an interview show, all behind the scenes interviews

from my other job that I do, I work in the adult entertainment industry. We're on season three right now, just released episode five, and every two weeks, a new one will be released until next November. So go to approximatepodcast.com, if that sounds interesting to you, and it's just a landing page where you can find any of your preferred means of consuming podcasts. We're on everything everywhere. It sounds charming, sexy and informative. So the direct opposite of everything

we're talking about today. Go do that, go do that instead of this. Yeah, we just watched this at a meat party, which is what we call it. Every two weeks we get together with our Patreon supporters. We watch a movie with them on Discord and it is so much fun. Even this movie, I thought we had fun because it was a sometimes it's nice to just experience a nightmare with people or

plus we've had worse than Queen of the Damned like this. There's 12% of a movie here and I think we've subjected them to like some real endurance, uh, endurance shit. I don't think we've ever made them travel back in time to such a specific era. Like this, this was 2002 in no other year. You say that but I'm going through my head and we've watched some ninjas stuff that's very, very specifically from 1986. 2002, I was like 21, 22 years old and this, every once in a while, I'll be mournful

that I'm 44 years old and I'll want to revisit my 20s. You know, you have that yearning. And then you watch a movie like this, and it's just a cure for nostalgia. It is. Yeah, you don't need to go back. Yep. I do remember when life was like this. I'm like, all right, all right. That's what it looks like. I think it's really funny though. Um, this is probably a point many people have made how like right before 2002, there was just all this like remember the 80s shit. And then we got all the remember the 90s shit and like, we just kind of stopped doing that after the 2000s.

We're like, you know what? We don't, we don't need to look back on this so much. Just yeah, we're skipping that one. We're skipping that decade and then a nostalgia cycle. Just, yeah, we're skipping that one. We're skipping that decade in the nostalgia cycle. We watched this for the meat party. As Sean said, this is the first time we've, I think we've ever watched the movie for the meat party first. If you want to get on that, that's in our Discord, pledge it the hot dog champion tier and above to get in on that. And, and if you, if you do that, that's supporting us. So you

don't have to listen. You don't have to listen to this podcast right now. You could just leave if you do that. That's the only way out. Now that you're here, I've locked all of the doors. There's only one exit and it is supporting us on patreon.com slash 1900 hotdog. Support, joy and escape this current nightmare we're about to subject you to. That's the best sales pitch you've ever done. Yeah, that really is. If that doesn't what we're going to do, we're going to discuss the movie

Queen of the Damned or in the podcast and we will discuss the quite insane behind the scenes stories that went on in the making of what might be the worst movie made in, I want to say, the last 70 years. I'm really glad you did that research and not me. what might be the worst movie made in, I want to say the last 70 years. I'm really glad you did that research and not me. I started and I was like, no, I'm done reading. I just, I'll be shocked by it. That's wonderful because I have some news for you in the bonus podcast,

which you have to go pledge to support us. There it is again. That's two exits I've left you. Very generous. I do worry. I think some of this movie is hard to describe without accidentally sounding awesome because it was an adaptation of the third book and some of the second book

of the Anne Rice vampire books. But I refuse to believe this was even one full book. This movie was about like nine pages of story. I'm sure we'll have more to say about it than this, but if you had to sum up the movie, I think you'd say a bored vampire, you can't fuck, becomes a new metal star. And then the only action set piece worth mentioning really is he fights a vampire time squad at a disturbed concert

and that's a real thing. That sounds awesome, but I promise it sucks. I promise. And also that disturbed concert takes place in a universe where that's the most important genre of music. And then later, everyone eats Aliyah in a legacy of Kane on PlayStation one cut scene. Like that's the movie.

That's the podcast. Yeah, we're done. We could just call it a day right now. We really played it up. We could just talk about something we like. You guys been playing Powell world? You playing that Powell world? No, we will not, sir.

Sir, we will not do timely content. We will talk about a movie from 21 years ago that should never have been. It's what we're going to do. Like all the best movies Queen of the Damned opens with a voiceover spouting exposition for I want to say five straight minutes even though it's literally one minute instead of showing us like the thrill of of Lestat the vampire Lestat from Anne Rice's books

Instead of showing us the thrill of his immortality like slowly collapsing into on we and then despair and then him giving up on like collapsing into An-Wi and then despair and then him giving up on like life entirely because he's so alone. He just tells us that in the first couple of seconds and the start of this show, the start of our podcast, it's a little clip heavy, they're a little long, but it gets a little lighter after that. I just need to establish right away how fucking ridiculous it is that he is awoken from his slumber by new metal. There comes a time for every vampire when the idea of eternity becomes momentarily unbearable. Living in the shadow, living in the darkness with only your own company. I hated this right away. I hated this solitary whole existence.

This is the first second, let's get nothing seems like a good idea Until you realize you're going to spend it alone So I went to sleep So okay his plan was he was gonna just happen. Oh fuck as I lay there Like the place I swear to God I slumped in my chair so hard The weight of a dying son. What? What's this wonderful music? If you missed any part of that, he the exposition opening words of this, he says, OK, listen, yada, yada, my life story and and all of vampirism and on we in despair,

we need to get to the meat of this, and that is new metal. I went to sleep when there was nothing worth living for, and then I heard a new metal band playing outside, and I woke up, because I'm like, I have to fucking get in on that immediately. Concept-wise, you've capped out on ridiculous. Like, there's no person alive who thinks,

yeah, that makes sense. It's fucking crazy. One minute, 20 seconds into the movie is what we have just experienced. I think I was also troubled by how he just decided that if he took a long nap, that would sort of be like dying and like every vampire goes through this phase. But I think the movie establishes him as like,

like an 18th century vampire. So he was basically like 150 before he decided like, fuck, I can't do this anymore. So he just like had a one and a half human lifespan and gave up on life. Because New Metal didn't exist. He's like, God damn it. And then of course New Metal.

I'm just saying, this is really embarrassing. If he lives to the year 13,500, the other vampires are still gonna bust his balls about this. When they're like, remember when you gave up on life after like 150 years and came back for disturb? And he'll still be wearing the same stupid vinyl pants too because those things don't degrade. That's right. That's true. He is, uh, he's, uh, he's unrecyclable. This guy, uh, so was that his, his, his dick. To be clear, preserved to be clear, less debt cannot fuck.

The, and that's not his fault. The author of this book is, is the most sexless, square ass loser. Um, I just go on record and rice. If you're listening, square-ass loser. I'll just go on record. And Rice, if you're listening, you can't fuck. And I'm so certain of that to my bones. And yet all of the 90s would, the heartily disagree, like every girl I dated in the 90s would disagree with you so hard.

You're right. But she had a large swath of the population fooled. Just the floppy-est dong of a movie, this movie. So Lestat goes to sleep, wakes up to new metal, he wanders out of the graveyard holding his violin like, I'm going to go jam. I'm just going to go jam with those guys and see what happens. Yeah.

But first he has to kill the first drug dealer he sees so he can steal his cool leather pants and leopard print top. That way he can make the best impression on the new metal kids who are playing metal in his house. That's literally what happens. It sounds like I'm exaggerating. This is a full on always sunny gag. Like they're practicing, this band is practicing and he just shows up with like his shirt off

and a jacket and it's the vinyl pants and he's like I have that clip Sean of course I have that clip please Well Sean we do need the setup because you need to know that he just walks into the band practice at his old house he purchases very coquettishly on top of an amp, very like stagecraft kind of slutty with his shirt open and he opens his mouth and just unleashes this new metal scream and they're also floored by it. This isn't part of the soundtrack, none of this. This is the band playing and then the voice you hear, he opens his mouth and just makes that and they're all go, oh my God.

And they don't know he's there. He is. They don't know he's there. That's all you need to know Whether it was that first meal or the hundred years of rest. I'm not sure But some of you is feeling better than ever My sense is so high. They led me straight to the instrument of my resurrection Play metal, old house. That, that's what he does to them. That's, yeah.

You're in buddy, you're in. Your voice. What the hell are you? Who the hell are you, man? The question of like the easiest of the average. I am the vampire. The best issues like your voice, like if the voice is the best, the best is the vampire. He's not. You're the fucking, the best issue is like your voice. Like if there was a compliment in the script,

the actress just couldn't bring herself to say it. That's all I'm saying about it. Your voice. No, no, no. The line is your voice so majestic. The night itself calls to me. No, no, no. Fuck that.

I'm just saying your voice. Your voice. It's a, that happened. You did that. Oh, you man. It's like a fucking Jackie Chan villain on bass. I swear to God this actually happened. Like if you were in a band in the 90s, some, some, some, some like overweight kid in a trench coat would show up at your practice and just go like, whoa. I'm the vampire Lestat. Like, all right, get out of here. I'm going to close.

Like we have to practice with the garage door closed. It's just like the boldest vampire, the masquerade player. Look, no one here wants to play with me. I'm just going to go into some garage bands house and start up a game of empire masquerade by myself. And they, they joined. They're like, fuck fucking, we're playing. Yeah.

And the script, the script says it works. So it works. So Lestet holds her face and says, you're all so beautiful. As they're just so majestic, these children of the night. She is wearing a leopard print top also. And I want to say a lampshade for a skirt. Both of the men are on the heroin version of Atkins, filthy and shirtless, of course.

And he thinks this is the most gorgeous thing he's ever seen. He instantly starts zipping around the room, shows them all his vampire powers. Because again, this is the first day at middle school and like I've shown up in my big Johnson shirt like, this is the energy I'm bringing on this cool all the time. It's like there's a poser kind of thing that like people complain about. Like, you're not part of the scene, buddy. But like, he literally just saw the shit this afternoon. And he's like, this is me.

This is my whole personality now. I don't know. It's written backwards from the most embarrassing moment of a seventh graders life, I guess. Yes. In the late nins, absolutely. So he promises he's going to make them all the biggest band in the world with his vampire powers and we once again, we yada yada over that.

Like I think that's a pretty good premise for a movie if you're like, some vampire comes up, joins your rock band, what's the process of you becoming like the biggest stars in the world with a vampire frontman? That's kind of interesting. It is. And everyone could have a different take on it. Like, I hate this. I think this is great. All the different band members could could feel very differently about this vampire taking over as frontman.

Right. That there's a good premise there. And just like there's sort of a premise to the very start when he was like, I became a vampire and then I got so jaded that I sort of lost the will to live and I decided I wanted to sleep forever. Like that's a whole movie somewhere. We're skipping all of that because we need to get to the best part of this movie, which is new metal playing loudly while skinny men pose in coats. Jesus Christ. I think it's maybe important to mention that like,

this band sucks obviously, but this also isn't how like time traveling band members work. Like Buck Rogers can go to the 25th century. I'm sure we all remember when he became a disco god because the future is for fucking squares, right? And you can't just subtract 500 years from those numbers and have it work because, as everybody knows, humans are rad from the years 1975 to about 2025. And then there's super

lame rate after and before ad infinitum, right? So it kind of works if you're a savage. Like, if you were an Encino man and you came to a garage and said, grunt, grunt, I am your front man, that would work because he's not intentionally cool. Whereas the stats like, dude, and you came to a garage and said, grunt, grunt, I am your front man, that would work because he's not intentionally cool. Whereas the stats like, dude, I'm totally cool just like you guys, right? And that's lame as shit. That's my point, I guess. In 2002 was kind of like the last year where cool with a capital C, it was like the last dying breath of that as a concept.

This is like the last year of things being cool. It stopped after that. I would argue it stopped with this. I think this did it. This was, yeah, I think Kurt Cobain killed it. And then this was what, six, seven years after Nirvana. Right. The dying breath of cool. When Nirvana came out, there was like all these things.

Like I was into poison, so I looked like an asshole because Nirvana was way cooler than poison. And I feel like this is where if I was in seventh grade forever, like this is new metal is where the poison fans kind of migrated post Nirvana. Am I making this? I don't know. I don't think I'm even thinking this through. I'm probably very wrong about this, but no No, they follow the leather pants, man. Yeah. You gotta follow the leather pants. It just feels like New Metal was kind of for the ladies. Whereas you kind of got the idea that like grunge music,

they're like, we don't really care if we fuck or not. Whereas New Metal is like, hey, yeah, like we got it. They got to be able to see our dick bolt. It's the last kind of rock that had some fucking in it. I think it's just Lestat himself. He plays like he's horny, but it's like he's on his first day of being horny. He's mostly playing a precocious nine-year-old. Like, I guess if a nine-year-old saw his dad trying to flirt with a Hooters waitress

and then made fun of him, that's exactly Lestat's vibe. Also, he looks like Ed Furlong from about 270 degrees, And that's from Terminator 2, if you're not familiar, Ed Furlong, I guess. Keeping these references timely. OK, I know. I know this 2002 movie that's too obscure for you. Edward Furlong, you remember. You remember, Ed Furlong.

He went on to do all kinds of stuff. Tom Arnold stuck his finger in his butt in that one prison movie. I hope that's a real reference. That's a real thing. That's a real reference. I'm going to look that up. How fucking amazing would it be if I just ad-libbed that? Like what a genius that would be if I ad-libbed Tom Arnold putting his finger in

at furlong's butt for a prison movie. That sounds exactly like some shit you would say is why I said that. That's a really nice thing to say. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. You said that. That's a really nice thing to say. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. You are a genius.

OK, so back to the movie. Like I said, we yada yada over. He says, I'm going to make you the most powerful band in the world. Smash cut to credits where we watch a terrible, terrible music video where he's just it sounds like corn covering filter, which is exactly as terrible as that sounds and the video itself is like old-timey vampire pantomime like The most embarrassing way to be a vampire and I guess he's doing that

This does happen a lot in movies when the movies telling you a song is cool and it just obviously isn't it's really rare to get that That thing you do where the song is catchy and the movie's about the song being catchy. You know what I mean? Right. The bar was so low with new metal, like they may have pulled it off at the time. It's certainly not in the eyes of history,

but at the time, I don't know. I mean, this was not my jam, so I had no dodge this race. The bar was really low. I had a friend, She was a sweetheart, but she was real dumb dumb and she loved this movie and right away I knew it wasn't for me. What would be the agenda for that? People respect me too much. I need to kill some of this. So the very next scene, they're the biggest band in the world, like Beatles in their prime kind, like thousands of people are lined up for this press

conference it's just a press conference that he's going to fans are chasing the bands limo not his limo he's not in it they're chasing just his fucking backup bands limo through the street groupies are holding signs that say suck my blood suck me lestat blood love baby and my favorite which is trying to say, be my dark anger. But they ran out of space, so it says be my dark ang. And then tiny wounds. Be my dark ang Lee. We frantically skipped through everything

just to like start this story, which doesn't exist. The story does not exist. I don't know why we're hurrying so much. Anyway, we're going to do a new metal fashion check. You guys are Lestat's band at a press conference. What are you wearing? Hulk Hogan Feather boa. Repurposed.

It's a new metal feather boa now, but like I bought it at a Hulk Hogan costume shop. Fishnet shirt matches the red of the boa and vinyl pants, dickbasket cut out. Full points for that. But the actual answer is one of them's wearing a mesh chainmail aluminum tank top. No shirt, a braided dog collar. He's completely shaven and has nipple piercings. Another has Kurt Cobain hair, a lip piercing, a hand knit fuzzy sweater with a scary dragon knitted on it, worn inside out.

And the last one is wearing a tight Union Jack halter top, a shaggy fur coat. She has pink hair that's full of sticks and a bedazzled cat collar. Like it just bounces right off my brain. Like when you see that kind of like style where it's like you can tell a set designer's just like trying shit. Just winging it. We will actually see some of these, some of these pieces pop up again on like vampires and stuff, which I like to think it's just like they murdered them and taken their outfits. It's like a big man upgrade.

Like you kill the vampire and then you get this stick hair. You get neon pink stick hair. You can throw it across the screen and surround an enemy with it. Now it's time for, it's time to meet Lestat who shows up to his own press conference on a 42 screen mega TV like Big Brother to announce he's doing his first and only concert, not how music works, in Death Valley.

And it's obvious by the way he accentuates it that he doesn't, he's just woken up. He does not know what Death Valley is. He just likes that there's death in it. Yeah. He's like, why? Is there a reason vampires wouldn know what Death Valley is. He just likes that there's death in it. Yeah. And he's like, what? Is there a reason vampires wouldn't like Death Valley? Somebody tell me.

There's a part I really like here where a reporter asks him some question. I can't remember what it is. Or what are you doing next or something? And he's like, perhaps I could show you in your hotel room tonight. And she's just a plain woman. She's not like plain and all breathy and sexy.

And she looks so confused and like disappointed. Like that was so authentic. Definitely does not seem into it. No, she looks assorted. Yeah. Yeah, she looks like funny. She looks like somebody that has just finished an interview with Vin Diesel. They just what gross. It seems Vin Diesel. It just, gross. That seems unfair.

Steven Segal maybe. No. It's Vin Diesel. I don't want to be a bummer and get into it, but it's Vin Diesel. You look it up. Click, click, click. Oh, no. Yep, crimes.

He explains that this whole band is just like a scheme to dare other vampires to come back to life because it's new metal, baby. What are we waiting for? Let's come out. Let's do this. Yeah, I guess everybody's question is about, hey, where are the other vampires?

We really would love to be eaten by all your vampire friends. Could you call them in here, please? Vampires are revealed to be a thing, no questions about it. Nobody cares. Yeah. Well, I think nobody believes him

because he's just being super lame on there like, Fucking fine. Yeah. You're a vampire. Like this doesn't, this was cool when Bowie did it. It's not cool when you do it. We cut to Glastonbury, England where two groupies are being led in to Lista's parlor.

And one says to the other, I heard he keeps you in a cellar and it's really nice and they give you food and weed So that's their that's their best case scenario that they're going. That's the dream is that they're gonna be kept in a cellar like Like like every major news story of the last ten years. I hear a vampire Wait, wait, wait before we get to that, do you have a snack basement? But going in with, this was the bar, ladies. This was your bar first. I hope he keeps me in a really nice cellar this time.

So the girls are let in. They get really horny for getting murdered by him. And then they start daring him to murder them. And then they do the kitty cat game, where they all get on the ground and slink at each other like kitty cats. And I think somebody got really confused and thought this was supposed to be sexy. Like this is, this is what you do before you have sex.

And rice cannot fuck. This is what she thinks human sex is. It's wildly inexplicable. So he gets on the ground with them. And again, we're all just slinking around like kitty cats towards no end, like nobody's even touching each other. He starts to slink up the side of the wall, which is magic, and they love it. They're like, oh my God, he can slink up walls.

And then he slinks up the ceiling. And they're like, oh, fuck yes, he can slink on ceilings. And then he shows them his teeth and they're like, oh, God, this isn't a Jamiroquai, it's a vampire. And then he kills them with a flying elbow drop. You can tell by the hat. Yes, he fucking macho man kills these girls. From the top rope double at flying elbow drops,

these two groupings to death. They know it's coming too. Like once he turns around, they're like, oh no, this is an elbow drop. This is not kitty cat anymore. This is fucking macho man, Randy Savage. Lured me in with sweet basement promises. And then execute it like a stunning flying elbow drop.

This is such incompetent filmmaking because one of the girls literally like asks to be eaten. She's like, hey, are you hungry for me? And I'm like, yeah, so they know that this guy will turn them into creatures of the night. He'll bite them and they'll become vampires. Like they get it. They're in on it.

But even if they don't believe in the supernatural, like they're just cannibals. Right. They're like, you know who they eat? You, like this kind of person, they eat like groupies that want to be in a cellar. So he kills them and then goes outside to like mope about eternity or somewhere. We cut to elsewhere.

It's irrelevant where to meet our main character Jesse, who is also irrelevant. In fact, I don't think she comes up again. I might be wrong, but I don't think she's in this movie. Yeah, main character is a really strong word. I guess the main takeaway I had from this woman is that she's not very fleshed out. And I feel like Anne Rice just sort of knew who was reading her books and she's like, all right, some, some blog girl, kind of like a, like a cat who's very sick and going off to find a place to die. That's who's reading my books. And she kind of wants to be a vampire, but we don't really know why or care. So yeah, that's, I think that's just a given. So there's no reason to

establish the character because the person reading the book already is that character. She just writes down like in parentheses, this is you. Yeah, like that would have saved everyone some time. So she sleeps in a creepy doll room, like a level one goth. She has a strange dream where she wakes up in a castle full of well-dressed women to meet her vampire aunt who cries blood and then gets really horny about it. And she says she has this dream just like every orphan, which I think is a bold claim.

This is the dream orphans have. This is a dream all orphans have is getting horny for their weird blood aunt. You know the blood aunt dream. Take it from this character who never does anything. It's probably like 11th on the call sheet. So she wakes up, she goes out into the room, You know the blood aunt dream. Take it from this character who never does anything. It's probably like 11th on the call sheet. So she wakes up, she goes out into the room.

MTV News, of course, is talking about, God, I love that MTV News is like your cultural shorthand for this time. Oh my God, MTV News is talking about it. Talking about the stat and how he's a vampire from the 18th century. She loves it because she's, you won't believe it. She's reading a book about 18th century vampires, and then they play his song, which is about 18th century vampire stuff. So I think, God damn it.

This pissed me off so bad. The vampire new metal guy is hiding secret codes in his song to just to let people who know about vampires be certain that he is a real vampire. So the secret vampire stuff he includes is is the name of a bar that existed in the 18th century and nothing else. And she's like, oh my God, I thought this guy was fake, but he knows about an 18th century bar. He's a fucking vampire.

You know about the 18th century. Oh my God, you're a vampire. She's she's close. She's a part of some sort of not quite vampire. I think they're just vampire fans. They're like, yeah, they're just like, they're just nerds. They're just they have a paranormal investigation crew. They have a huge business office in London for their business, which is watching vampires. Not doing anything.

They probably hunt ghosts. They probably lead. I wonder who's paying for that graveyard tours. I just love this because she's like, guys, you got to hear this. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been listening to a lot of new metal. I'm glad you're here for this. You got to hear these sweet lyrics. Yum, yum, neck blood. Yum, yum, yum, yum, humans are crud.

Now step to the left. It's the vampire slide. Now, if we follow the meaning of these words, she called a meeting to tell them about this shit. I don't know. At which point they remind her she's like an intern. They're like, fucking aren't you an intern? What are you doing?

You can't call meetings. Also, we know this song was fucking song rules. It's 2002, it's all we listen to you. I guess her mentor David brings her into his office and she's like, aren't you curious? Shouldn't we learn more and participate in the supernatural world? And David doesn't have an answer for that so he says, come look at my paintings. And he shows her his collection of paintings of an ancient phop named Marius. And then that's somehow the end of their discussion.

It's totally unrelated to the conversation at hand. He just hijacks it and makes her look at his paintings and then gives her a Lestat's journal so she can jerk off to it for the rest of the movie, what she does. We ran into something when we were watching this movie because he showed her three paintings. Two of them were from kind of the same era and same style.

And then he showed her an impressionist painting, like a close-up portrait, like someone painted this man and he sat there for it. But I think this was like an art history nerd that didn't follow through on their idea to have him appear in like every art style through the centuries and just kind of stopped it too. And so I brought this up when an art history nerd that didn't follow through on their idea to have him appear in like every art style through the centuries and just kind of stopped it too. And so I brought this up when we were watching the movie

in the Discord and everyone was making fun of me who'd seen the movie before like, oh, you just wait, there's lots more. And then they never showed up. So did we decide there was a director's cut that you saw? Yeah, I was one of them. I think it might just be a Berenstein Bears situation. Okay.

It's like every, see the crazy part was that my memory is garbage. Like this happens to me all the time. I'll just make, I'll just make up something. I'll be in the movie. I'm like, oh, that happened. Cause I thought it'd be funny if he was like on soup cans and like cubism and like, that would be. But somebody else in the discord beat me to him was like, oh, just you wait.

And then right afterwards I was like, Sean, oh, I guess that was real. But then it didn't happen and I can't find like evidence of it. So I don't know if we all just like were prompted by the paintings throughout the ages. And we're like, oh, he's on soup cans. Of course he's on a soup can or he's in the floor panel or what it should look like. There might be a director's cut of this. And that's the funniest thing I think I've ever said is that, that there's a directors cut of Queen of the Damned directors like fucking this wasn't my vision I need you to see my art in the way it was meant to be

seen anyway if you have that don't send it to us I'm not watching this again if you have that go fuck yourself burn it if you hand that to me, I will throw you into a wall and cave your head in with my elbows. I'll ban your account. You'll ban your account for life. Don't do it. I'll physically murder you with my hands. If you hand me, the director's cut a Queen of the Damned. It's a crime. So she has his journal, she goes and reads it. So the next, like, I want to say, half hour of the movie is actually technically her reading a book. Great storytelling.

It's Lestat's origin story, except for it's really not because we don't meet him until like the moment he's turned into a vampire. So they forgot to do that too, because what they really want to do is have him and Mary as pose at each other in like their fancy coats and have just a thop off, just a throw down, flop off to which Marius fucking kicks his ass. Oh my God,

you cannot out-flop that guy. To floppy, to believe. I really liked them try to establish the different philosophical views. Cause Lestat's like, dude, I'm a vampire. This rules. Let's go do vampire stuff. And Marius is like, no, you must never do anything ever. And they're like, what? And, uh, but also, uh, Marius is like, oh, if you get to know anybody, you have to kill them. Endless stats.

Like that seems fucking crazy. Just like the audience is like, that's, I feel like that's crazy, buddy. And then, uh, and then he poses for paintings across hundreds of years. So I, I mean, I don't think he's consistent in his views. I think we realize eventually those are his paintings and he's been painting them himself and then like selling them and sending them out in the world. So it's even worse. It's even worse. God damn.

Like, we only know like two things about the guy and like they get contradicted by the by each other, I guess. It's not the first and not the last time it's going to happen in this movie. Nobody's paying attention to this movie. I kind of can't blame them. Like, what if you tried really hard making this movie? That would be crazy. But the first one was like,

they got Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise. They're like, we're gonna fucking go all in on this thing. And then the... Well, this will make sense a little bit when we get to the behind the scenes. Yeah. In the bonus episode. Okay. We'll get to why this movie is how it is. So he dies, he comes back to the behind the scenes in the bonus episode. We'll get to why this movie is how it is. So he dies, he comes back as a vampire,

Marius gives him this little speech as they're going through this gypsy party. And he meets a, he sees a gypsy girl playing the fiddle. So he's like, well, shit, I play the fiddle. And he walks up to him and starts playing the fiddle. Only it's like slightly too well for some guy that just wandered up to play the fiddle. Like, it's not crazy. They make it out like it's like slightly too well for some guy that just wandered up to play the fiddle. Like, it's not crazy.

They make it out like it's gonna be supernatural, but then he just kind of plays the fiddle pretty good. And her dad looks at him and is like, fucking that's a vampire. Nobody plays fiddle that good. I'm glad that that was your take on it too. I'm like, cause when I saw it, I was like, there's no fucking way that he clocked him as a vampire

from the fiddle playing, right? Jamie, was that your take on it as well? I think I knew what they were going for. And it turns out like he rocked so hard that he had to kill a lady about it. Okay, okay. That's what they were going for. But the thing is they forgot to make like the performance rock.

They put the little vampire effects on it and everything, but he's just playing like pretty good busker Fettel. And they keep using that effect. It was, I guess it was like brand new to After Effects, that stuttery ghostly blur. Yeah, super vampiric. Yeah, that's how 100% of vampire effects work, is that it's just the blur tool or like the clone stamp

and then the blur tool on everybody all the time. And it's the dumbest shit, but they use it all the time. $35 million budget, $5 million to the blur. How did you do this? So Marius makes him kill the girl once he realizes he plays fiddle too good to be a human man. He mopes about it and he's playing the fiddle for it, for days and days moping about it when like the bow is psychically ripped out of his hand and he discovers that Marius has a sexy fuck basement

full of statues because this is what pornography looked like. I thought he invented the fiddle gun. I did not get that that was like psychokinetic fiddle. The fiddle gun. Kinesis. He just fucked up really bad. That's what happens. Yeah, I thought he just like fucked up.

And he like threw the bow because he's not. Like if you fuck up while playing the fiddle, it'll fire across the room and put somebody's eye out. It's really serious. Like if Mr. Bean was playing the fiddle and you're standing behind him, you're gonna get the fiddle bow in your eye. And that's hilarious.

And I thought that's what they were going for. He wanders into this sexy little statue room, and he immediately knows the statues are actually super vampires. And he plays the fiddle for one of the vampires until she holds her hand up, which I would assume means stop fiddling. I have color I can tell you to stop fiddling.

But he knows that that means she loves it. And she's actually offering her blood to him. So he drinks her chunky, chunky statue blood and trips balls, which looks like a colonoscopy. That's what I have on my notes. I said it looks like a colonoscopy. I really think it was. But with a horny energy.

I don't know why they're doing that. A horny colonoscopy, it's hard to explain, but we nailed it, I think. The statue of Aliyah, I think, is really good because it looks exactly like the beautiful actor-singer Aliyah, very cranky about being in a plaster mold. See, I thought it looked like a kind of a sassy southern oracle from Never Ending Story. From Never Ending Story. Got a little southern oracle from that. Southern oracle giving attitude.

that Southern Oracle giving attitude. She held her wrist out. She's still in statue mode and he's going to bite that wrist. And it's going to hurt his teeth a little bit. It's going to, and they made the shipping sound when he bit in. Yeah. I went, oh fuck. So he showed up in an empty room and a room with, I guess, two statues. And he knew that the statues wanted him to play the fiddle

and then eat, take a bite out of it. Like, that's a crazy assumption to make and he was absolutely right. He was correct to do so. Marius gets furious with him because they never moved for him. And so he abandons of the stat entirely, which teaches him that like, I'll always be alone.

I'm gonna just sleep until somebody invents new metal. Wake me up. When they invent new metal. Wake me up inside. But remember, this has all been super horny, goth, never ending story. This is Jesse. This is Jesse reading all of this.

Right. The last like 30 minutes. And then she just kind of sighs. And what she decides is that you know what I have to go to that vampire bar and get really horny for vampires so she goes undercover as a new metal skank and I would like a new metal skank fashion check now Sean. Oh okay she's wearing a sort of a scotch tape like hot topic dress with like looking really good in it. Like it's kind of got a boosty atop and a hoop skirt bottom. Jamie, I don't really know the names for all these lady clothes,

but I think she has a choker, if I'm remembering correctly. She looks like a poser. She looks like a cop for sure. New metal cop. Yes. New metal cop. What the outfit actually is, she has her hair up in Chun Lee buns, which I didn't realize those a new metal thing She's wearing all of her grandma's jewelry. She has a skin tight fur coat dress with explosions of fur at each articulating joints

Under that she has a pantyhose turtleneck with a stained glass flower bra I'm thinking of the after familiar the show. Yes. I remember the one you're talking about now That's uh, that's her undercover outfit. She's the worst fucking undercover vampire skank. Oh my God. Everyone knows she's food the second she comes in. The bouncer's like, are you sure you want to come into this bar? You are food.

She slips into the bar by being like, just walking close to somebody cool and being like, oh, I'm with them like quietly and it works. Works for the vampire portraits. There's like 11 people there. She does. I'm just going to sneak in with the crowd. She, she sees one of them drinking blood in like fucking full body panics.

Like, what did you, what did you think was going to happen? She runs not only to the bar, but into the middle of a group of obvious vampires. Like that's where she runs to. And they're like, whoa, hey, hi, food. What's up? Like they? They can't believe it. They're like cats that have just had a mouse drop into their fucking their home. They almost don't know what to do about it.

They're like, who are you? You don't have any bite marks. Who are you? She makes up. She's like, oh, it's Marius. You guys know Marius. They're like, fucking, no, we don't. No, we don't.

We don't even know Aliyah. They think these guys are just day drinkers. They're just fucking drunk assholes. It's the worst, it's the worst anybody's ever done at trying to fit into maybe anything. And these are the coolest vampires. Yeah. I'm just gonna give you, it's my turn now,

vampire fashion check. One of them is wearing a plastic union jack corset. Just the collar from a business shirt with a tiny little tie. And I worry you're not understanding. It's like a one eighth scale model of a tie that she has there. Fingerless motorcycle gloves. She's got orange and green scab pants and cornrows that lead into a big purple, puffy, Mohawk mullet. It's impossible to describe accurately. I think it'd be great.

Yeah, it's perfect. And the others are a little more forgettable than two dudes, they're just kind of a vampire standard. But she, whoever designed this lady, the fucking ska vampire, this vampire that woke up because she heard second wave ska. Wonderful. It's wonderful. It's like a costume designer spent four days looking at a person and saying,

it just needs one more thing. And they just kept saying it for four days. Anyway, it's supposed to be really scary, I guess. She just panics and leaves and they're like, we're clearly going to kill you, lady. As she leaves and then she gets outside and yep, they're going to kill her. We wouldn't believe it. Lestat speed wobbles in with their little blur thing to save her.

And I think the effect here is supposed to be like Lestat so fast. The other vampires can't see him, but they don't have the budget to show Lestat doing that. So what they do is just show the vampires making hissy faces all around it. Nothing. They're just going. Lestat is doing like a flash super friends thing. Like he's running around them like a cyclone. He's trying to trap them. She's like in his whirlwind.

It's just a cat caught in a sprinkler. They're all just cats that walked into like an automated sprinkler system. Why is this happening to us? It's a great fight though. God, there's a scene that cracks me up at the end where they like talk, I might be skipping bad some of this, but like then he like dashes away as if to be like, I'm gone, I'm just going to come one with the moon.

And then he just goes like eight feet away and like stops on the sidewalk and she walks the other direction. Like if she just looked back, he'd be standing right there, just feet from where he vanished. It's so funny. Well, you can't skip over this

because this is the core of their relationship, this interaction. Lestat has just saved her and what he says to her is, boo, which I guess is supposed to be cute, but like totally devoid of he didn't, he wasn't like, she didn't even see him. He didn't start a learning and scare just some dude that's like, boo, what do you, what do you want? She just almost got eaten by three vampires, like pick it, pick your moment better. And

I know I said this was the core of the romantic eternal love. I'm not lying about it really as the movie will call back to this. Also, I'm done describing it. It's just that, he says, boom. Yeah. And they have a totally forgettable little exchange and then he sort of lunges at her vampirically and she flinches a little bit. It's just like a vampire fake out, yeah.

Two for flinching. And then she does what Anne Rice thinks women do when they're horny, which is walk home alone and eat four pints of ice cream. You're right. You just nobody fucks. Everybody's so fucking adjacent. Everybody lives next door to fucking and they're like, just trying to piece it together by what they hear through the walls. They're like, it sounds like bouncing.

Should we try bouncing? Like it sounds like they're bouncing together. You get on my shoulders. We got this. We're sick. We got it. This is also when everybody starts getting Vaseline lens effects. Like they didn't do it until now, but now they're starting.

And they will not stop. They got a problem. And maybe it just doesn't wash off. And that's enough. She's fully in love. He said boo. She tells her mentor she's booked a flight to California. She's going to this concert where all the vampires are going to try to kill him

for no for no reason. She doesn't have a plan. She's not going to do anything. She doesn't mention one. She just wants to see that shit. I feel like the movie established that the other vampires want to be secret and Lestat wants to not be secret. And so that's that is an actual conflict that I think I understood. That's the stats. That's not hers. What does she have to do with that?

Yeah, I have no idea how she would stop it or why she would care. Yeah, she's not. She doesn't tell him. She just says, I'm going to see this kick ass concert. And he's like, hey, all of the vampires are going to kill everyone there. And she's like, I know that. I feel like we're forgetting that the author has already done the short hand of like you, the reader, are this nerdy, lonely girl who wants to fuck the vampire and become a vampire.

And the vampire is very sexy. And you know that because it said that on the back of the novel. So we yada, yada over that you're right. Yada, yada, all the character motivation. Lasat is now in LA and he gives us some some shit about how LA is like already a vampire, which fucking fuck you. Okay. Fucking stuff about that.

It's sufferable. It sucks so bad. However, I really like the next scene because they actually coat him so completely as like a shitty sullen teenager that he's in his coffin with like his hands behind his head, listening to his headphones playing his own new metal back at him. Just like, yeah, this is so good. This is so fucking good. This is what I do with my free time.

He leaps up. You know who the real vampires are? The managers and the lawyers here in Los Angeles. As a thing, you know, you're in a band. You got to check that mix on like real speakers, you know, so. Yeah. And the headphones, you got to really get back into it He senses that there's more fob in the air than usual and he just leaps to his feet Marius is back He sees what Marius is like still wearing the old

Fashions first thing he says to him you fucking you dress It's out of date. He is where, Lestat himself is wearing Asian curtains. Like it's not cool. It's not like what anybody was wearing back then. Lestat woke up and killed the guy who just left Hot Topic. And that's like his, he's done. That's like, I'm done learning new fashion. I can't believe you didn't even kill a guy

who left Hot Topic. Anyway, these are vampires who haven't seen each other in centuries. They have this loving bond relationship. They need to catch back up. I of course have that clip. Let's start. It is good to see you, let's start.

And you? Still wearing the old fashions I see. The chemistry. Old habits die hard. How did you manage to slip to the 50s in red velvet? I slept. Don't think you missed much. Elvis?

Elvis, yes. Acting! Ha ha ha ha! They're both just sharing their memories in naps. They're like, I slept, yeah, me too. Okay, so did you sleep 100 years like me? I was pretty close. The dialogue in that scene is,

Mary says Elvis, and the set says Elvis. Yes. And then a long awkward pause, cause they're done, they're out of shit to talk about. Moon landing? No. No. Just Elvis. Talks? Sure. Donuts. Am I right?

No. Actually, not donuts. So fucking stupid. This fucking movie is so bad. I like you have notes, though. My notes for this whole part just says, does anything happen in this 30 minutes? Like, that's notes though, my notes for this whole part just says, does anything happen in this 30 minutes? That's like my notes. I normally take really intense notes when

I'm watching a movie, but I- Nothing happened. Nothing worth writing down. Like the first 60% of the movie, nothing. I'll tell you what does happen. They have a little argument, very gentle whispery argument with no conviction on either side as they all do. As to whether or not the vampire should be secret unless that says, come, let me show you what it means to live in the light.

And then he takes Marius to a giant billboard of himself where the window washers gondola is set up exactly over his own cock. He makes him hang out on his dick. He's like, hey, haven't seen you in forever. Let's hang out on like, Roch. If this was a David Lynch movie, I would say it means something. But here, I think it's just a happy accident. So Marius is here to tell the stuff that Akasha,

the Queen of the Damned, Aliyah's character, the statue has also woken up because she heard New Metal. She slept. She slept for 3,000, or no, more than 3,000 years. And nothing, nothing in all of human history was worthwhile. And then Cold Chamber comes along. Fuckin' what is that? She's like, have you heard this fucking orgy cover

of the new order song Check your that alien ant farm cover. No, that's not the same thing. How can we tell I don't know how we tell That's not cool. Yeah Elvis wouldn't do it, but as soon as chop suey hits the airwaves, she's up and about Do any of you guys want to come hang out on my dick? I got a big seat on my dick So Akasha, Aliyah's character has also killed her husband Who is the entire reason she stopped being a vampire like that her backstory is that Ankeel in ancient Egypt was her king and he drank so much blood that he got full and he didn't want to drink any more blood. So he went to sleep and then she was like,

well, I got nothing to live for. She went to sleep with him. Then she heard one fucking new metal song, woke up, tore his throat out, and then jammed ass to the Woodstock 99, I guess. That's how I lost my first wife. I heard new metal and I was just like, I don't need you anymore.

I actually heard Stained for the first time and it's like, what am I doing with you? I'm going to kill you so I can take your power and get to fucking Bonnaroo. So back at the Vampire, the Vampires are talking about how much they hate Lestad and are going to kill them, but they're also listening to his music videos nonstop. Yeah, that's gotta piss him off.

Gotta hate that guy, but it's so danceable. That song is so good. I'm over it. Can you imagine if your worst enemy was also the biggest musician on the planet and also it was New Metal? And also you loved it and couldn't deny it. Yeah, every molecule, you would be furious. So, Aliyah walks in, and it's a bold decision to play an ancient vampire like the Lady Robot from Mars Attacks.

That's exactly how she's moving. Oh, I love this. She thinks it's like this powerful erotic statue movement, but it looks like she's kind of like she's trying to salsa on a cruise ship going over a rogue wave, like just really, really carefully balanced. So this is kind of weird because she's doing that and like the camera is really perving out on her and she's got like just a like a bra glued to her boobs. And so she's like mostly nude.

Like if from 270 degrees, you would think she isn't wearing a shirt, which if you remember that's a science calls that a Euclidean fur long. Here's a fun fact that her brother did all of her ADR. Like she died before she could record the, yeah, before she could record her sounds. So here she is like writhing in front of the camera, almost naked. And the person they got to stare at this footage and try to match the voice to her lips is her own brother,

a recently deceased woman. Yeah. I just, I can't, it's such a fucking terrible choice. And also they had to like feminize his voice so he sounded more like his sister. I just think in many ways the worst choice anyone could have ever made about anything. Well, we were gonna save that for the bonus podcast, but luckily we have much more terrible revelations to come. You're lucky we didn't spoil the worst thing about this movie.

Okay, we can cut all that if we can. Yeah, no, no, no, we'll leave it at that. It's hard to separate myself. Because when Aliyah shows up, I'm like, this is very sexy, but it's also completely absurd as if the director said, do the Mars attacks thing. And also, I'm not comfortable objectifying a woman who died a week after they filmed this.

Right. And yeah, it's just all of it's very weird. Knowing that her brother is doing her voice is too many hurdles to get to the sexy, I guess is my point. But in any other situation, I'd be like, I enjoy this very much. I think this is a good point to mention that the singing voice for Lestat is Jonathan Davis Leatinger of Corn.

Yep. Yes. Yes, it is. In an uncredited role, but that's him. That's Jonathan Davis doing the singing voice. And I can prove it because when she walks in to the bar, they're playing another song of Lestat the Vampire who has used his centuries of despair and on we, his ancient wisdom to write this song. I'm for me Keep myself for a change I should fade Damn it. Why is everything so fucking hard for me? Wrote the 300 year old vampire

Yelling at his mom Give me back my backpack That's a second barely a tuna melt. I hate you, mom. This whole movie like just really does feel like an extended ill advised, like corn passion project, just because the movie is like inundated with Jonathan Davis voice. And he wrote, he wrote the entire sound, well, almost the entire soundtrack for this movie was original material. He wrote from the point of view of an ancient vampire so this isn't even

a poor adaptation to like the source oh they just took whatever song they no he wrote he was like I'm gonna channel the wisdom of an ancient vampire and he's gonna be saying why is everything so fucking hard for me why does my little brother corner trap me in mortal combat on the fucking time? It's such a 14 year old's list of complaints, I guess it really is I mean he wrote like apparently like five songs and a lot of the soundtrack but with the help not of corn but with the help of a guy named Richard Gibbs, who was the keyboard player and a ranger in Oingo Boingo.

So the music could have been good, but it wasn't. Oh, shit. Man, you didn't even say it in Dennis Miller voice. I was going to spring that on Sean in the bonus. Shit. Like, all the interesting things I wanted to bring up is all bonus stuff. It is. We can get to it.

So she has vampire flame powers, or maybe just Egyptian flame powers. It's not clear, but she burst all the vampires into flame because they don't like Lestat and she likes Lestat a lot. It's her favorite band. That's completely what the scene is. I love that she has fire spells. I thought that part was, this part again, on paper might've been cool.

Like the sexiest vampire ever shows up in the bar and kills everyone without a shirt on. Like, yes, please. But then the scene is all edited together with footage of Lestat on the TV. So it all kind of feels like it's from the POV of someone with like, they just got hit in the head with a chair. Yeah.

Like, it's just a strange choice in editing. For 2002, the effects weren't that bad. Like they did look like they were being lit on fire. And, you know, like, yeah. Well, it's not great, but like for the for the time is competent. Yeah, they looked like they look like they were being lit on CGI fire in the 2000s, which. Right. It's like 15 percent better than like a Mortal Kombat effects.

Yeah, that's about all we could really manage back then. I would have said a higher number, but not by much. Not by much. So here's another strange editing decision. We are still talking about Jesse. Well, I guess it's the main character. You guys remember Jesse? We forgot about the main character again. Of course, she's getting out of cab at the concert. She has arrived with a mission in mind that she's going to seduce Lestat into turning her into a vampire. Give me vampire seduction fashion check. I think Jamie, you gotta do,

I think this was the outfit I remembered when I was trying to describe her earlier. It's just, no, I can't, I can't. I have no memory of an outfit. Luttle, I can't even think of the lady's face. Well, she's dressed in a skin tight tartan corset dress with hanging tasseled fringe, trying to mimic like a skin tight tartan corset dress with hanging tasseled fringe trying to mimic like a flannel tied around her waist.

Right. She's got a turquoise choker from a New Mexico airport and six inch high platform Doc Martins. It's that was hot as shit. That's how it 2002. Perfect outfit. Yeah. I would have been super into it.

Yeah. I think I feel like this whole movie would have been completely disrupted if she had a single friend. If she said, hey, I'm going to go to the disturbed concert all by myself to try to track down the vampire and tell him that the rest of the vampires are going to kill him. Like if she had a single friend, they'd say, oh, you shouldn't do that. Not in those boots. I think they would say that when she said, hey, I'm going to go to the disturbed concert by myself. Yep. Oh, you shouldn't do that.

You shouldn't. Anymore. Don't. Oh, there are vampires there. Double shouldn't do that. But like, even if there aren't, even if it's not a safe place for you. 1.2 times don't do that.

Meaning don't go to the disturbed concert by yourself is five times worse than the vampire stuff. Lady, you smell like fan fiction. Just don't go. They're going to eat you alive. They love that. They love that scent. They know you're lonely. She meets Jonathan Davis in a fun cameo where he plays a scalper trying to sell tickets to LaStat's band, which remember is his band, and he wrote the music.

And in the movie... I knew that had to be somebody. I was like, is that a corn guy? That's the corn guy. Even in the movie when he says, I got, I got tickets to the stat. 200 bucks. Jesse scoffs and says, that's not worth 200 bucks. To his face. I'm not paying 200 bucks for your fucking concert.

Jonathan Davis fucking vampire concert. The stats manager is grabbing groupies for him. I like that he's worried about age of consent. He checked the age, yeah. Yeah. He checked the age to make sure he's only eating adults. He doesn't want to get in trouble. This brings up an important point that I noticed probably 150 times

is that we never see any POV from law enforcement. So like, people are just disappearing all the time, being eaten by vampires, and we don't even see a single cop on his tail. We don't see a single police sergeant angry that nobody can find the dam. There's essentially no conflict in this movie so far. It's just people listening to New Metal, wearing really stupid thrift store clothing and posing and you're like, God.

I'd say there was no stakes, but I said that in the discord on accident and everyone made fun of me for doing a fucking dad pun. I can't get away with it. I wrote in my notes like, Aliyah's really vamping here and then I had to lead it. Yeah, boy. Nope, nope.

No one's gonna let that fly. So the manager brings Jessie in, of course, and some other girl who's just, it looks like, eager to be her first day as a goth. Like she's done up in pancake makeup, like forgetting that's not what we do. She's got Halloween fangs. Uh, Lestet chooses Jesse and sends the other away.

And I think the movie is trying to paint this is like, oh my God, oh my God, you guys, he only has eyes for her. But like really he just doesn't want to spend an hour with that lady. She's too stupid to eat. She got dressed as Spencer's gifts. I'm not, I'm not doing an hour with this. Yeah. It's like eating somebody in a wheelchair.

It's like, it's just, they share the blood as human, but it's like kind of, it's a little fucked up. What? What? What? What is that? What if you think, God, why do they have wheelchair problems? What is happening? I wonder if we're going to leave that in just to ruin your life.

What is it? I'm gonna get you out of this. People in wheelchairs have blood. Stop it. You need to stop you. Keep that in, Jamie. Oh, Jamie. Oh, Jesus. I'm gonna get you out of this with the culmination of Jesse and Lestat's beautiful romantic scene.

It's a callback. Ah, shit. Oh my god, I can't believe it's really you. I'm your biggest fan. No. Boo back. She says seductively, boo, and he says twice as seductively, boo back. And that's it. That's their love. Fucking nailed it.

She wants him to turn her into a vampire and he says no. And so she cuts her titty a little bit because she knows like titty blood is really good. Got it pisses him off too. It kind of pisses him off too. He takes her and flies her through like a Vaseline smear to what I griffin observatory. Yeah, some some basic bitch LA date. And, and Deny's like, I'm not going to turn you immortal because you're so beautiful being human. But I will

remind you this is the second time they've spoken and they have said boo and boo back to each other. So right. That's that's what their eternal love is. Also the actors don't have much chemistry at all to be clear. Like, I'm sure you imagined they didn't, but I'm with each other or like, as a fact, just like in a general way. I don't think they are capable of chemistry. I don't want to spoil anything in the bonus podcast, but he hasn't been in anything that I have that I'm familiar with. I'm so surprised. No, wait, he was in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. As what, as a grip?

Doing this role again. Doing this role for the second time. That's true. Yeah. Because Dorian Gray is like the very old guy. Yeah. And then he was just in like a bunch of episodes of Long Order, that kind of thing. This did not catapult him into Superstar, to my point. No, it catapulted him into this role one more time in a, God, maybe a better movie?

Holy shit. Oh, yes. I think so. I think that's better than this movie. But then after that movie, just like Sonic drive-through from there on out, right? Right, like, that nearly killed Sean Connery's career. It didn't, but nearly.

So he takes her to feed on a woman and she freaks out once again at the sight of blood, like what do you think a vampire is? What do you think it is? Such a fucking poser. You're supposed to be a vampire hunter. I know you're just an intern, but you should know what company you work for.

He wanders off alone into the night. He shows her like this is our bloody reality, and she like sees him for the monster he is, and he wanders off alone into the night like I'm such a monster. No one will ever understand me. Immortality is a curse. And then there is a curse, and then there is a smash cut to the next scene, and I have taken that clip now that I've set it up. Of course you don't. Now he walks off into the night, doomed to be alone forever. Smash cut. That wasn't me! Listeners, that was not me. They smash cut from him saying like I'm doomed to walk alone forever because you see me for the monster I am to...

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Damn with the sickness. Like you can't tell me that they don't know that smash cutting to the worst part of down with the sickness is the funniest thing you can do. It's the funniest joke you can make. Such a good comedy beat. This concert is Burning Man times a million. Every every new metal freak is trekked out here to watch a new metal vampire fight, including her boss David who likes paintings.

He's here trying to save her from, I guess, being a new metal fan. Marius is also here who's like, hey, David, I have got some old paintings for you. And then he disappears, which is still weird. It'll interact. I didn't look it up, but can you take a cab to Death Valley? Like, I think they have like vampire fodder buses We're like, and you want to get eaten by vampires

Right. We saw her get out of the cab didn't we? We saw her get out of a cab somewhere like where all the I guess all of the other Johnson Davis was there scalping So it must be the city of Death Valley. Is that a city? I don't even know I know what I know. It's a bad place to be a vampire The big showdown is here the big concert where all the vampires are going to kill him and he knows it. He sees all the vampires out there in the crowd and they achieve this with like a time-lapse effect where all the vampires stand still and everyone around them like freaks out.

So it's like, oh no, you're unmoored from time. But what it really means is the vampires don't dance. Yeah. Like there. That's how you can spot them. They're not into it. They're just like, I don't like. Yeah, like there. That's how you can spot them. They're not into it. They're just like, I don't like this. This is garbage.

He flies down from the sky and his new metal guitars roar up. He gets ready to unleash his Jonathan Davis corn scream, the one he's honed to perfection over low these many lonely centuries. And then he starts the song and we have to watch like the entire song because it's just so moving, I guess. It really pissed me off.

I didn't take a clip because it's just the song, but I will read some of the lyrics. These are the lyrics that everyone in the crowd loves so much that they all scream them back at him. He says, did you think it's cool to walk right up to take my life and fuck it up? Well, did you? Well, did you?

Jonathan Davis sat down to write a vampire rock opera. And this is what he came up with. New metal, everybody. Yeah, I'm just sad now. You roll up to me in your wheelchair. I eat you. Don't make it a callback. I'm just trying to make it harder to cut it.

You are. This will be the death of you. I'm trying to save you. You fucking slapping lifesavers out of the air. Just... Okay, I feel like the important thing to mention is that these other vampires, they're not like just a bunch of vampires who've been living among us. Like they're all dressed the way they were dressed when they got turned into vampires thousands of years ago. So there's like a caveman

vampire and a druid vampire. No, no, these, hold on, these are the good guy vampires. These are actually our real protagonists of the movie who have just showed up now with 20 minutes left in the movie to undergo the final fight against Aliyah Kasha. These are actually supposed to be good guys, you could be forgiven because they have not shown up in the movie until now they don't get names and only one of them gets one line at the very end. I don't know why you would do that in a movie. There's like a Doc Brown one.

Yeah, you've taken this. Give me that final showdown ancient vampire check. Oh, OK, sweet. Yeah, one druid, one caveman. There's a Doc Brown, as I mentioned. There's like. There's a lost boy, right? Yeah, there's absolutely a lost boy.

There's one she's kind of in a sarong, like sort of a, I don't think she's a South Asian woman, but she kind of has like that vibe. She's the fortune teller in a big machine. Yes, yes, she's a big machine. She's a Zoltar teller. Yeah, there's a Zoltar. Yep, they got a Zoltar vampire.

There's a Centaur, there's a Kram. And my notes I have, there's her weird aunt who cries blood in the dream every orphan has. There is a slack jawed lurch corpse wrapped head to toe in an Ikea blanket. Yeah, he's like the Aristotle. He's like the Ikea Aristotle. It's really like it's a little snit blanket you would buy as a throw. That's his cloak, which probably, I I guess looked better in the 2002 movies. I don't know but you could see it very clearly You know like that I bought that an idea. What are you doing?

There's an ancient janitor with big frazzled dreadlocks and he's wearing a burning max suit under a full sheepskin There's the there's a female Zoltar There's no other way to put that. And there's my favorite, my absolute favorite, who I've written down as Young Count Porcula. Is that the Lost Voice guy? Yes, Young Little Lord Porcula. Yeah, he does. He's got like the chubby baby cheeks that... Yeah, he's got a little bit...

He's beautiful, but he's beautiful. He's like a show pick. He's like a pig that wigs warts. Yeah, he's Dr a little bit, he's beautiful, but he's beautiful. He's like a show pick. He's like a pig that wins sports. Yeah, he's Dr. Murrow beautiful. He's got lovely flowing blonde locks and open shirt and a paisley vest. Like he's really into this seduction part of vampirism, but he just doesn't have like the looks for it.

Yes, some vampire. Did you have to turn me in my little Lord Fontilroy phase? I had to stay like this. And then of course, Scotty Pippen. And of course, Scotty Pippen with his two vampire cheerleaders, always by his side. So the stat finish is playing this entire terrible song we have to watch as we flash to vampires waiting patiently through the set like they're just gonna they're just gonna tank this whole concert like it's every rude but then he taunts them with his masterful psychological mind fuck that he knows will enrage them so much they will abandon

all like all of their vampire principles remember these are the stakes of the movie that all the other vampires want to stay secret so bad that they're going to kill him. They're going to slaughter him for like giving away their secret and proving that they exist. So they don't want to be seen, but they have to abandon all of that when he becomes, when he makes this psychological master play and writes these lyrics that infuriate them. I of course have that clip. You're not. Your face is poop. You think you're smart? You're not. God damn, I would fly right at you.

You say that shit to me at a concert. Like I went to a corn concert and he sang that song. I charged the stage. He left in a wheelchair, which meant he still had his human blood. I don't know why you guys don't get this. God damn it. All right. All right, it's in.

That's it, three callbacks. It has to be in, you know the rules. I was nice knowing you. Yeah, what have I done? I was nice having this podcast with you. That was the end of it. They can't resist. They're so furious at being told they're not smart that they all rush the stage

and reveal their vampire powers to everybody. But then they fly at him with their fucking their smallville CW nightman blur effects. And he he impales the first one with the microphone stand and it kills him. So I guess that means vampires are weak to microphone stands. Yeah, that counts. That counts as a stake. That counts as a stake.

Marius leaps on the stage to fight with him now correctly dressed for the era by which I mean the matrix. He's dressed as the matrix. He's out of the matrix and he's like, that shit rules. That's my whole personality now. And together, it's impossible to describe how bad this fight sucks. The other they just kind of slap fight, but also wire foo battle blurry vampires. Well, who's sound effects and Rami cams zip all over the place. I'm so pissed off at this fight scene because I was I was like this this could be good.

It's not like they don't have money. They these people are flying around. They have special effects and then it's just like they don't have money. These people are flying around, they have special effects. And then it's just like the fucking worst fight. Plus the stat and Marius are like super fast to the point where like, it's just not fair. Like they could just leave and no one would even know they'd done that for seconds.

But these other vampires don't seem to have the super speed. So it really just fails in all of its storytelling and all of its action. And it goes on for so long that you just have time to sit there and think about how much you hate it. The crowd seemed to love it. The crowd loved it. I guess if you're in a new metal show and you're like, this is good special effects. Something happened. Yeah.

And it goes on until all the vampires abruptly explode into flame and like a lea rises from the bottom of the stage. And again, the crowd thinks this is like the skit, which they think Lestat came out, right? He played one song, part of another one, stopped for a 20 minute slap fight scene, and then flew away with a lea. That lady was right, Jonathan Davis. This is not worth 200 bucks.

This is a bad show. I'm at one and a half songs, man. I feel it really illustrates what that these other vampires didn't have anything to worry about. Lestat's like, hi, I'm a vampire. And everyone's like, okay, cool, Mr. Vampire. And then they're like, oh, he's giving away our secrets. Like really, it seems like one person on the entire planet

thinks this guy's a real vampire. And here they are having a vampire fight in front of an entire crowd. They're like, this is a cool show. Again, this could have been in the vampire band becomes the biggest band in the world. But that could have been a cool scene in that. Yep. Oh, they think it's a stage show. There's just so many ways to fuck up this movie.

And you picked the weirdest one. You picked the wildest way to do it, which is to just do nothing for like two hours. So, Aliyah flies him away to a mansion on the coast and explains like, we can just kill the people that live in houses and then live in them. And Alistaz's like, oh my God. Yeah, they have like a difference in philosophy here

where he's like, I don't think we should kill everybody. She's like, I think we should. I feel like the author's very stupid because neither side is making a good case. I feel like one is inherently better. Not eating everyone on the earth seems like the default, right? They put aside this argument because the very next scene is a soft-core sex scene in a bath full of rose petals while Aliah licks Stewart Townsend and Jonathan Davis croons erotically. I want to say there's only one way to take it and it's erotically erotic corn plays as they lick each other in a bath. Cornography.

The pun we weren't willing to make. Sorry. You're so brave. You're a hero. Cut that, Jamie. The movie like abruptly remembers Jesse exists again, which is never a good call. And like last minute panic cuts to her. She's in a different gypsy compound also in the Mojave Desert.

So this is where all the vampires settled. Right. It's her vampire aunt. They're like family, but not really family, whatever. It doesn't matter. They're panicking, full blown. Like we only have 10 minutes left to movie. We forgot to do all of the movie.

Yeah. So they need to set up like, OK, well, these are all your heroes. These guys, we just met the fucking fucking business drag Bernie Mac, business Dracula. It's excuse me, hero, little count, Portula, you guys love him. They live in this compound. He jumps out of the cereal box. I'm with you too, fellas. And Shaq.

And Shaq. Of course, always, always there. Just like in the background. Everybody in vampire Shaq. Don't cut that voice, Jamie. Was that even the voice? I was just trying to do my normal voice. You were so specifically trying not to do Shaq's stupid Shaq. Somehow not being Shaq is the most Shaq of all.

Lestat realizes he can walk around in daylight thanks to ancient vampire blood, but she's also killed like 80 people who I guess were roaming this private beach at night. It's crazy that all these people were just here. So many dead people. And then she promises him like, this is the power. You can walk in the daylight. And then she says, eventually, if we drink enough, the sun will stop stinging your eyes. It's one of the little, little appreciated vampire perks.

It's crazy. No vampire has thought of this. That you could just keep eating people until like you're more powerful. And he hates it. He's like, hey, you can't do this. Fucking Lestet, you just ate a lady on a bench to prove a point to a girl. You did not want to fuck. And like, you don't have any value for human.

We just saw that. He eats the two people who love him most every single night. Like he's got a guy that feeds him groupies. But not children, 18 year olds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Check ID. It's set.

Okay, the ID sets. The ID sets. You're 18. This conversation is cut off abruptly because she says, hey, we have a score to settle. And then they leave. They next show up at the weird ants compound. Like just instantly, we've skipped over

how they know where each other are, why they hate each other, why they're even going to fight, but they are, they're here. This is the fight, we forgot, that's the last five minutes of movie. Marius is on their side for no apparent reason, we just need him to be. And all of these miscellaneous vampires

who do not have names yet, they talk about how Akasha is only weak when she opens herself to give blood. So like that's gotta be their plan, right? They gotta pretend to be loyal. And then when she's like, take my blood, my subjects, they will take her last drop. But they die from that.

They will die if they drink her last drop. Oh my God, this was so confusing to me. It was like a bad X-Men comic where they have to write an ending, but everything's so weird. So they're like, okay, so you'll die if you do this. So then one of them decided to do all the dying herself. Like she took all the death into herself.

I feel like that was like word for word what almost someone said. Yeah, they say like if you take the last drop, they said at the beginning of the movie, if you take the last drop, you die with them and they remind you here. So she shows up with the stat and Now he's oh is he a bad guy or is he just pretending and Jesse is like she said a little Leo says

I want you to kill Jesse to which the sad says why she's like not even involved The next line is just the same. I would like you to kill her. They everybody openly acknowledges she has nothing to do with the plot. The protagonist of the movie is here and every other character in the movies, like I don't know who that is or why we would care about her. Why am I why am I killing her? And it seems like you get the idea of they're doing the thing where like, oh,

I'm going to pretend like I don't care about her. But then he goes over and actually kills her. No, he didn't like kind of didn't give a shit. She's like, no, it's fine. This is what I want to be a vampire. And she kills her. And she is dead on the floor for the rest of the climax of this movie, which is the best place for the main character of your movie to be. Dead and inert on the floor while other people you don't know do stuff is where we're at. All the miscellaneous goofy vampires swoop on her and start biting her. It's a shame that a Bernie Mac sheepskin vampire explodes

and Zoltan, Zoltar, Zoltar vampire explodes. It looks, oh my god, you guys, it looks like little Lord Count Porcula is gonna explode, but then he doesn't. She's like, thinking of that he survived. He fights it off. He's a little, explode Porcula. You don't explode Porcula, you treasure him.

You put him, you give him a little bow and you put him in a display so everyone can look at him and tell him he's a good boy. The action line of the screenplay probably said, count porcula on explodes. That's exactly, that's all that can happen. That's what happens. So now Lissette is somehow back on their side.

Movie forgets why or how. He's just killed. He just killed. He actually did kill Jesse, he's dead. But now he's... Was it like the taste of her true love's blood or something, snapped them out of his grasp on him? If it was, they do not say that.

Yeah, that's very generous. They don't articulate anything. What a kind heart you have, Jamie, to think that they did that for a reason. What a brain that understands consequence, that understands how things are linked together in a logical order. You just seriously just a selfish survival tactic to make it through the rest of this fucking movie. Just shit is happening for no reason. So the stats like I'm a good guy now.

I'm going to drink the last of the blood. And then the weird weird blood orphan ant says no, no, no, no, I'm going to drink the rest of the blood. And then the weird, weird blood orphanage says, no, no, no, no, I'm going to drink the rest of the blood. And in this way, a lady we don't know and just met makes the ultimate sacrifice so that our heroes can have no consequences. It's the worst thing to do in a movie. I guess hearing you say it all out loud, I think I get it now. But like watching the movie twice, I'm like, I don't, I don't fucking understand what's happening. It's filmed so crazy from like moment to moment. It's just like swooping and hissing. Yeah.

Wait, is that guy, it's full of people you don't know, like fighting? Like, I don't know. Are they good? Is that a good thing that little Count Porcula didn't explode or did we want? Did we want Porcula to explode? I mean, up until the point where she like turned into dust, I thought Aliyah might be the good guy. Even after she ate all those people,

I'm like, that seems like a vampire thing to do. I still think she might be the good guy. All right. Nope, darling. But she does turn to dust and the blood ant turns into a statue in just a really sweet cut scene from a PlayStation 2 game. Lestat brings Jessie back to life so she can be a really fucking boring vampire.

Holy shit. But he's going to regret that so quickly. Like, oh, I just, I really thought you were hot forever with this one. They spend eternity together. They return to weird guy, David's, uh, who like, who loves paintings. By the time they got back to him, I forgot who the fuck he was. Right. Cause he's also been in the movie for like 30 seconds,

but we got to wrap up that loose end. So they give him back the stats journal, which remember we used to be important, and tell him we're like cool sexy children of the night now. Do you want to join us? And he says, no, I'm far too old to live forever. He was 43. He was 43 when he played this role.

I looked it up. They didn't like age him up in the role. He looks 43. He's like, no, I can't live for eternity with this back. Oh, on these knees. Jesus. The weird blood aunt was 48. Like, see, you already have an older vampire in the movie.

I just, nobody thought about any part of this for even a second. It doesn't matter anyway, because Marius sneaks into David's office and he's like, hey, you remember me? I'm the guy from the paintings. David the paintings. So the implication is that he is, he's going to settle down and be like, be like husbands, like weird art collecting husbands with David, which is weird. It's weirdly sweet, right? Yeah. I thought it was like supposed to be like an ominous what's up. Like, I guess David's doomed. Well, he's going to turn him into

a vampire. Yeah. I don't know. It sucks. It just sucks. I just, I just, I just, was like supposed to be like an ominous. What's up? Like I guess he's going to turn him into a vampire. Yeah, I don't know. It sucks. It just sucks. I just I just was this was that guy the guy from Interview the vampire that character No, that was Christian Slater wasn't it? Oh, is it the same character like they were you know, it's not I know that man It's not Christian Slater It's like Christian Slater As little could be. It's like Christian Slater. As little Lord Porcula, I love this movie. So, Sad and Jesse walk away together arm and arm into the night, just disappearing into time.

They do the time lapse thing. In London, like the big Ben is like perfectly situated between them in that two shot. That was weird. Yeah, cause like they situated between them in that two shot. That was weird. Yeah, because like they're outside of time, you see. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Right. You don't get it. I hate it. You don't get it, so we're gonna have to do a bunch of time-lapse to show you. Fuck this movie to death. Hahaha. Hahaha. That's what it cuts to.

It cuts to like new metal. It cuts from that scene into fucking the worst music ever produced by humanity. And then it has the gall to cut to a frame that says in memory of Aliyah. Oh, imagine this had to have been a tough choice. I imagine everyone who met Aliyah fell in love with her. So everyone involved was like, we got to dedicate the movie to her. But 5% of all of them was just like, but should it be this movie? Are we sure we should dedicate this movie to her?

Oh, it felt so icky when I read it. I was like, ah, not this movie. It should be illegal. Like, yeah, it should be some sort of bureau that like dictates what you can dedicate to somebody's memory. It's like, you can't just do that. Just put that dedication on the end of any other good movie. It doesn't matter if she's not there.

Put it on a park bench. Put it on this. That'd be nice. I don't know. That's a bigger honor. People will sit on that and find the bench useful. They won't do that about this movie. Anyway, that's one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

I love it so much. I knew it was hot dog content from three minutes in, one of the fastest. Like the second he opened his mouth and went like, oh, yes. When you suggested I thought it was a weird choice. My wife was like, that doesn't sound like you guys. OK. And I asked her why I'm like, she made a lot of sense. I'm like, yeah, but but again, I don't think she's seen at all. Or if she does, she doesn't remember like how terrible it is.

It's remarkable in how stupid it is in every direction. And we're going to talk about a lot of fun behind the scenes facts in the bonus podcast, like the shaky IP exploitation that inspired this movie. And Rice's complicated feelings, all negative about the adaptation. And all right, the ritual murder and suicide inspired by this movie, this movie,

this movie with Jonathan Davis as a vampire, the multiple human lives it costs! See you in the bonus! Sag Frankfurt Podcast? Korrekt! Ja! Die Kraft ist nicht, Trakt ist nicht ohne! Schick die in die Hunde saub! Führ eine Stunde! Komm schon! Du kehrst die Nummer! Heiß, nein, Hunde! Heiß, nein, Hunde! Frankfurt!

Heiß, nein, Hunde! Neue, neue! Heiß, nein, Hunde! Frankfurt! Heiß, nein, Hunde! Heiß, nein, Hunde! Frankfurt! Heiß, nein, Hunde! Neue, neue! Neue, neue! The Supremes were city smart kids grifting their way off the street until they were framed for a cry they didn't commit.

One 900 hot dog mounted an appeal to put them back on the street. This time in business casual as a private mercenary force. Together they are hot dog and Supremes. Starring Aaron Crossden, Adrian H, Aiden Moat, Alpha Scientist Javbo, Anandi, Armando Navar, with special guest star Badger as Bone, Boney Sam Sapson, Benjamin Sirenon, Bim Talzer, Brandon Garlock, Burrito, Cerell, Chase, Clementine Danger, featuring Craig LeBoyne and Quavus as the Wrapping Quakers, Dan B, David Schull, Dean Costello, Devon the Rogue Supreme.

The role of Naked President is played by Dracen. Dusty's rad title, Eric Rihon is the Master Ninja. Every Zigg, Fancy Shark, G Garrett is the master of ninjas. Jell-O, Greg Cunningham, Hambo, Haraka is ninja master 9000. Harvey Pinguini, hot fart, honk, Javer Al Aiden, James Boyd as corrupt politician. James Boyd, corrupt politician James Boyd

Jeff Oreske Jim Salter John Dean John McKammon John Minkoff Joseph Searle as himself Josh S. Joshua Graves Justin B. as typeboyed urchin number six

Ken Paisley K.M. Kyle Campbell as Urchin master 9000, Lisa M. Jaheshappel, featuring the musical talents of MC Mark Taranto Mac Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Baroy, Michael Lair, with special guest star Mickey Lohman as the Knife Boy, with special guest star Mickey Lohman as the knife boy Mike Styles Mojoo the role of mr. Bob Gray will be played tonight by mr. T in an offensive wig and D Neil Bailey is corpulent Louisiana Con man number 17 Neil Schaefer, Neku104, Nick Ralston, OzzyOlin, Patrick Herbst, Rachel, Riannan is, Corpulent, LouisianaConmanMaster9000, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, SpottyReception, Superknot, featuring TEN TEN THE MURDERIST ARRANGATAN Ted H. Thomas Kavatsos Timi Lehi

Tommy G. Toasty God Plays Judge Rageum McBlaster Vilo Plays Dr. Blast McRageum Vooster Plays Professor Stevenson Whalen Russell

Yannis Ionitis with special guest star Brian Zaylor as the Street Pope. I'm afraid it's your world against mine Mr. T and who are they gonna believe some convicted felon or the man who blesses the rats. Hot dog and supreme!