The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 160, Ape Week With Lydia Bugg And Dennard Dayle

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

Seanbaby demands 50 feet of safety space between him and Brockway, Lydia Bugg, and Dennard Dayle - just in case they go berserk when he tells them they have to talk about The Chimp Channel, a 1999 sitcom starring horny, unlikable chimpanzees.

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. Welcome to the Dock Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog, the final website. We do daily articles with all the things you love, jokes, mess arounds, japes. We are funded by Patreon supporters, patreon.com slash 1,900 Hot Dog, and we recently crossed a financial threshold

high enough to pay our writers, like they were writing for an early 2000s enthusiast magazine. I'm sleep deprived Sean, maybe from the internet, and my partner and hot dog won the Lifetime Achievement Award in Worst Muffins from Pies and Hunks Digest. It's Robert Brockway. But best buns. That was implied. I don't leave it implied. I need it said. I have them out. You can test them. You can smack them. They're amazing. I'm Robert Brockway. Here's the Brockway fact. I'm a simp for chimps. I go ape for apes. I can really mean it, you guys.

I'm not monkey in a rat. I'm just bananas for primates. I think primates more like prime apes, am I right? That's my time everybody, Brock way out. Oh man. I loved every second of it, wonderful, wonderful. I guess that's a good segue because it is a very special eight week episode. So we're joined today by both of our weekly columnists for Tornado Tag Match with no rules and no remorse.

They are authors and comedy writers, Donard Dale and Lydia Bug. are weekly columnists for a tornado tag match with no rules and no remorse. They are authors and comedy writers, Donard Dale and Lydia Bug. Everyone please say hi at the same time. Hello. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm surrounded by banana peels, but I do that every podcast. It's just the way I work on the highest of wires.

No net. Yeah, I got all my monkey hides hung around the office. Is that not the vibe we're going for? I thought that was not where we're going for. That's there's your wife like that. Is she called like your monkey hide room? Oh, yeah, we get we get busy on the on the gorilla, the the gorilla skins. That's beautiful. And I brought a story.

That's that's got to be great for like the safari enthusiasts. Right. Like, you know, they trade notes. It's like, I'm the lion guy. Oh, I like killing the things that look the most like people and only those. I call them the unhoused. And tonight you're joining me for the hunt. My first date with my wife was a human hunt. Monkey murder is a real red plug.

Okay. I love craving the hunter. That's just what I do. That's the only thing that gets me off. I must become the spider. Let's do some plugs. Danard, you're a brilliant academic and an even better break dancer. Besides the illustrious website, 1-900-HOT-DOG-WORK,

where can people find Lydia's work? Oh, God. I don't know, man. 2024 started off rough and I have no plans. I guess my request to the audience would be help. What should I do? You tell me, Lydia Bug. And where can they tell you? Oh, God, I don't know. TikTok. You know Lydia on TikTok. There we go. I'm not on Twitter anymore really. Fantastic. Turned your cry for help into a plug.

I'm giving you the same question Lydia, but with the same unexpected twist so we're thrown into the nerd. All right, so I'm doing a sub-stack thing for the two months until that implodes in the whole sort of weird 4chan Twitter cycle. Every website does where everyone sort of does their best moot impersonation just sees how quickly they can drive And otherwise profitable bus off a hill That is that what's happening. We're working on I didn't know sub stack was It's a whole dodgeball game, but yeah, that's a extra evil at extra evil dot sub stack dot com. Or I don't know, I'm sort of a loading screen for six months.

I have some cool. I have a cool book coming out around June, but that doesn't exist yet. I don't even think the preview page exists. So just focus on my, you know, I have like the house on the hill right next to the sort of weird smelly Nazi valley on sub stack. House on the Hill right next to the sort of weird smelly Nazi valley on Substack. So we put it all of your reading hours for the summer. Like, I know you only want to read for like six hours a year.

Save them up. Save them up. Yeah. I have some fun stuff for you there. But yeah, it's like a, it's called how to dodge a cannonball if your memory is really great. I've never remembered a book name for six months so you'll really be outclassing me if you have. It's a good title though. You'll at least remember something about cannonballs. You should have called it, remember that chubby dude that got hit in the tummy

with a cannonball and like the black and white footage that just kind of is everywhere? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, they, you know, they put a really heavy editorial thumb on you. So I like came out with that and they said, okay, good idea. We're gonna pretend you didn't say that.

Now here's our thing. So the title is still available, you say? The title is still available. Okay. Like what if we shortened it to just boom? It's like one word title. Oh, you're with Netflix. I do like that.

Let's do that. That's pretty good. It's making boom. Today we're talking about the Chimp Channel, which speaking of bad names, this was almost called Channel of the Apes. And I can't even- That's way better.

It's so much better, right? I might've gone into Channel of into channel eight without like fear. Yeah, like who said, no, I got this, it's much better. I guess the concept fits, channel may be better, but whatever, we'll get to that. This was a 1999 show. It premiered on the TBS Super Station. This was their first real show. They basically

never did original programming before this. They sort of just accumulated trash like old cartoons and shows. It was basically a UHF channel bought by a billionaire in the 70s and he sort of recognized that satellites were the future before anyone else. So he sunk all of the station's money into beaming this Atlantis network around the world. So it was a channel everyone had on their cable box, but it was aggressively mediocre. Until of course, this original show came out,

the Chip Channel, which everyone talks about still to this day. Up for accuracy though, the history of TBS is very, very long and strange. And they did try to make a few original shows in the 80s back when they were called Super Station WTBS. I just want to throw this in in my research. I found this and I'm like, somebody's going to know this and like correct me. But anyway, they had huge hits, of course, like the new Leave It To Beaver.

We all remember that and Tush, you of course remember Tush Rocky Road. Two others no one has heard of. Like Mash. Yeah remember Tush Rocky Road to others no one has heard of like mash. Yeah Tush like Tush. Maybe it's to pronounce Tush. I don't know. I think that's the butt spelling I bet it's like a detective show Tush sounds like a detective name. It does He's um, he's got a butt the first detective with a butt He's a butt detective solves The first detective with a butt. He's a butt detective. Solves all his crimes with his butt.

I think that's assy, McGee. I think they did make that show. There's just nothing left to make. Oh man, I remember that show. I had like a floating revolver and everything. Oh God, it was so fucking good. And he had this partner Sanchez and he was such a dick to Sanchez.

And he'd be like, yeah, you're a fucking pussy Sanchez. Come on, assit. Come on, assit. I'll call me a pussy assit. So anyway, like all good things like my ass and McGee impressions, this, the show was born from stupid little commercials, like TBS used to run these little chimps doing silly shit.

And I don't think anyone could have had a problem with this, they were awesome. They were just like five seconds long. It was clearly a chimp doing something insane and then someone adding words like that made sense for that. So they'd be like, hey, check out my diaper. Okay, cool, bye. And you're like, I love that, whatever that was.

Or one of the monkeys would scream like, I want a banana. And you're like, yep, that's what he would say. It checks out. Yeah, and I think there's this weird inverse bell curve of like chimp content effort. And I could imagine the original version of this was like on that sort of correct left MXC kind of side. Yeah, I think I think you're right that it's like if you have just a little bit of

chimp that's wonderful and it gets sadder and weirder, the more chimp you have just a little bit of chimp that's, uh, wonderful. And it gets sadder and weirder. The more chimp you have and more likely to tear somebody's face off. That too. Um, this actually became a show, uh, not through bad ideas, but accident leading to bad ideas. What happened was they had a golf tournament that ended early. And so someone's like, well, we got nothing. We could play all these little chimp interstitials.

And so they just played them back to back for half hour and it got better ratings than golf. And so they ordered 13 episodes of it. Wow, better than golf. Better than golf. Oh my God, that is amazing. Yes, we only watched one episode, but there were 12 more. I was sure this was like one of those things that's a pilot and then you're like, no, that didn't work.

We ran up and had ideas 15 seconds into our 30 minutes. I'm going to betray 13 episodes. An immense deficiency in character here in that after I sort of looked at the ruins of this first episode, I like sought out two more because I had to convince myself that this wasn't like them fucking with me. Oh, you thought this was a prank by me and Brockwood? Yeah, I was just like, good instincts. I was like, okay, hold on. This is producible as a rib, right?

I need to make sure this happened. You thought we got like five chimpanzees and dressed them up like Baywatch characters. I thought it was AI. You could do all that with AI probably. Yeah, no, it's plus something we could probably have gotten this done for $30,000. I could see Brock wait absolutely approving that.

We are notorious for making a joke going, ah, that's stupid. And then doing that joke and spending thousands of dollars on it. Yeah, this is this skants like this would be a hundred percent for us. For sure. Hundred percent. We would take out a loan on it to get more than one monkey. That'd be ambitious for us. Yeah, we could see G.I. The monkey and after we put him in new costumes, we could.

Couldn't we? It might not. Now they're planning. This might not surprise you, by the way, but it doesn't improve. Oh, yeah, I didn't think it would. Yeah, that's not surprising. There's not many jokes for this one. Why would it improve? What could it possibly improve?

Actually. Does it get hornier? Because this is weirdly horny. The second episode is way horny. Weirdly horny. Oh my God. What? It can't be. I don't know what happened in their lives like directly. It's a very divorced feeling show. Yeah, I got that from the pilot episode, but I was I was like,

surely they won't keep this up. Surely somebody will be like, well, we like the pilot, but did the chimps have to fuck all the time? Yeah, that would be my note. I would go to them and say, maybe we can make them less horny. Could there be less horny monkey stuff? You know, those are, they'd be like, great notes. Have you met a monkey? Look, I'm not saying it's it's just it's unnecessary.

If they're going to wear little clothes, they should act more like people. I'm just saying. That is an interesting point. I have that in my notes a couple of times. I think the only element that gets better is that they hate old ladies less than this next two episodes. Okay, good.

That's the only part I liked. So this, I'm surprised you never saw this as a kid, Denard, because it did air right after WCW Thunder. They gave it one of the best time slots they could. They really were pushing this chimpanzee show. I think that's a, that might say more about the project. Like, I don't know, I think there's a layer of your childhood. You just sort of put bricks and cement over.

Yeah, that's true. I could see forgetting this. After you've watched like the five run-ins on the one Booker T match when Vitz Russo's just really going for it. So it was marketed for kids. They make at least two chimp cum jokes. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it was marketed for kids in the way that like, primetime wrestling is marketed to kids. Like it's on at night. So heavily, exclusively? Yeah, heavily and exclusively, yes. Because I was like, this would be a cute kid show. Like this would be good if they made it for kids,

but this is the version of it that was for kids? Yeah, that's actually some real criticism it got when it didn't get a ton of press, but the press it did get, one of them picked up on it. It was the Sun Sentinel claimed it was crazy raunchy and it should have been more kid friendly and aired on Sunday or Saturday mornings. But to be fair, someone already tried that two years earlier with a show called the Chimp Lips Theater. It was about apes

watching cartoons and Power Rangers. It did not do well. Oh, they tried to leave us and head like watching music videos but yeah, exactly. Something yeah, exactly. Something with chips. I don't know what it is, but don't know what it is. I'm just going to keep green light and so we land it. Chimp is in butthead.

Is that anything? Thirteen episodes, we'll take them. We'll take it. We're going to try it. So the guy who made this is named Tom Stern, and he Tom Stern and he's worked on a lot of wild stuff. Most of his projects are pretty weird and off-putting but competent, like he did the Joe Schmoe show, I've mentioned that on the podcast, I love that show,

arguably a sadistic Truman show. Yeah, Saul of the Mole Men, if you remember that, it was like a land of the lost parody. He worked a lot with Alex Winter, he co-wrote Freaked. If you remember that film, he did Cranky Anchors, the man show. I do remember Cranky Anchors. He was... Extensively.

Yeah. Yeah, I watched that. He didn't age well, but like that's, I feel like a lot of this guy's work specifically doesn't age well. Like he was a bit of an edge lord, I guess, but he was competent and versatile. And also, if he gets torn apart by apes, it's not a huge financial or artistic loss. That has to be built into the contract. It's like, well, I really like the guy that pitched the monkey show, but I can't afford to have him torn apart by apes.

Who do we got that we could just feed to apes if I'm not saying on purpose, but if it happens. We don't throw the word expendable around, but like, say someone got their arms turned off to apes if I'm not saying on purpose, but if it happens. We don't throw the word expendable around, but like say someone got their arms turned off. Attention optional. Right. Great way to put it. That's why you're ahead of the studio, kid. Yeah, an indispensable here.

You can kind of see like a creative method link between cranky anchors and this because it's very much another sort of like sounds cheap x plus y thing like read crank anchors and this, because it's very much another sort of like sounds cheap X plus Y thing like crank anchors, you know, it's like, okay, phone calls plus puppets. We promise you will cost $12 to make. Exactly. Has that sort of vibe of late nineties, early 2000s, where it's just kind of like mean and violent and like raunchy in a way that doesn't seem like motivated by anything other than like let's get that moral majority.

This is edgy, you know. Yeah, everyone's from the asshole divensions. Like everyone's this one fucking mean dude. And you still have like a spectrum of mean people and like four victims. Exactly, exactly. There was never a monkey tack on the show as far as I could find. But a lot of... I want you to look that up

because that was my first question shot. Mine too. If one of them had attacked, I won't say they deserved it, but like, I wouldn't be surprised. I think the other apes would have given them a medal if they had. The camera loves that one very large.

It's not, I don't think it's an orangutan. There was an orangutan on the show. The Larry King, Larry King ape was an orangutan. Yeah, that one upset me. I don't know something about that one. It had a menacing energy. If any of them had attacked it would be that guy. That doesn't look like that.

That ape did not have, that ape had a rough life. Like that ape used to, that used to like fight all comers in a Russian circus or something. And it's weirder because the character has kind of a laid back thing going. And meanwhile, I'm just thinking this right has on the fucking edge. This is, there's not a second season of this show without headlines. Is there a way to even go through this show chronologically? It's got so little connection between all of its bits. Yeah, I don't think there's a big point to it.

Uh, I did. Let's see. I wanted to talk about something that went wrong. The show before we talk about the show itself, because, um, Tom Stern, the guy mentioned the creator, he was fighting with management a lot. When you look at his projects, that sort of makes sense. He's kind of like a fuck you rules kind of guy. But he did some sort of insane performance art thing

in the studio where he got fully nude and then he broke a beer and a wine bottle and they fired him. Because what the fuck else are you supposed to do? A man with ape-like behavior, can't be your monkeys. That's, oh no, my notes here say that's double jeopardy. Oh, I wouldn't have written that down. Oh, come on.

Variety wrote an article about this called, Jim creator goes ape with lawsuit. Fucking terrific. I love that you attributed that to like some sort of performance art and not to like probably someone being very drunk in public. Those were his words in the lawsuit because he sued them. He sued them? Like he screwed up the art to like crazy ratio and he screwed them.

Yes. So he, let's go over some of his excuses. He said that no Ape saw him do it. This was not like while they were filming the Ape show. It's a low bar. I didn't even fit the Apes. Very important. No Apes were scarred by me doing this. I know that's your first concern.

He said that he has an improv comedy background and they fucking knew about it, which is. So. You guys knew, you guys knew I did improv. The penis and the broken glass is your fault when fucking knew about it, which is, you guys knew, you guys knew I didn't improv, the penis and the broken glass is your fault when you think about it. You know that I'm the one guy in the improv troupe who always has an excuse in every sketch

to get his dick out. You know I'm that guy. You knew it when you hired me. And the 2000s were my decade. Oh man. Full frontal Freddy, that one was mine. Hanging Dong Harry. That one was mine. The day before premiered, he sued TBS for breach of contract. I couldn't find the budget on this show, but he sued them for $1.6 million. Oh, he put the decimal in the wrong place.

Yeah, I think he might have fucked that up. He also said they had his personal property. He said they had a bunch of his tapes and music videos, which he needed to land new jobs. So I don't think this was a guy who had his life together where he's missing $1.6 million. Where am I at in my notes? Oh, he talked shit about whoever they replaced him with. So he had been doing all those chip commercials for TBS. And so he was talking, this is a quote from him, I've been perfecting this chip directing technique for five years.

So he had some sort of a proprietary way of getting the chips to move their mouths to dialogue that no one else can do. But I feel like this is an absurd thing to care about because there's a point where in Ape's lips they match the words too well. And then of course you have to shoot that Ape. Like we will not fucking tolerate that.

Okay, so first of all, that point never happens in this show. They don't come close to matching. They don't care. But they don't give a shit. It's like watching a Jackie Chan movie. It's... Jesus.

Kind of incredible. It's hard to imagine someone like making this and then like their lawsuit says, I was the chimp whisperer without me. Yes. We would not have spent. I have spent five years. Perfect.

Perfecting the art. The heart of chimp ventriloquism. Oh man. This man might be a genius though. Like the next time any of us get really drunk and like accidentally throw up somewhere, we can be like, um, I was doing improv. You're not aware of my barfing improv set. Sorry. My first instinct, the second I do that, I'm going to go, look, no chimps saw that. It's fine. There are no chimps here.

I'm not a corrupting influence on chimpanzees, Mr. Police Officer. I like that he did all the work of like just kind of having fun, right? Playing with the apes. And then once it's time to really film the show, he's like, I'm going to take my dick out and get out of here. Give me one point six million dollars. Like that's the business model. Like just show for the fun part, get paid.

Full frontal. They shot the show from 50 feet away. This was one of the rules. Just in case of maniac chimps. They had. You know, they had measured that out of like, how fast can we run? We need 50 foot head start.

I'm not fucking around with that. I'm like, that's a rule I'm happy to follow. They had trainers off camera giving signals, so the monkeys sort of could understand some signals. Everyone was given very careful ape instructions, no gestures toward them, no eye contact. And like I mentioned, it turned out okay. No attacks, the American Humane Association was on set

and they gave them two ape hands up. I don't know if they have a rating system, but the people you'd expect to look at this did and they said, fine. We don't personally like how horny this is, but that's not a crime. It's not an ape crime. You know-

It's not my finish. When you're in like middle school and they're showing you this sort of stock footage of the Jane Goodall wanna be like connecting with the gorilla and teaching it, I don't know, sign language or blocks or something. Like one of those sequences. And then at the end, they just slowly hold up this bad Pamela Anderson wig and red swimsuit.

Oh my God, I thought about the wig fittings for those monkeys more than I thought about anything else while I was watching the show. They're so distracting. Like several times I got so distracted because I was thinking like, how often they must tear off those wigs? Like they must have just shot this fucking standing around doing nothing scene for hours

while the chimps tore off their hair. I don't know. And there's so many wigs. Like even the ones that don't need wigs have wigs. I'm like, why is every like there's the one with the short hair has a short hair wig. And I'm like, just let him have his regular head. Yeah. What's the point? I think you need like one prop per monkey for its like, so let test to work out.

I agree. Like there should be a prop limit. Just for a lot of reasons. I feel like once the chip goes crazy I feel like the more props it has to tear off is just another amplifier of his rage right or maybe that's an interesting point yeah or gives the projectile weapons in some ways a chip can throw a wig at 400 miles an hour that let me look it up. Yep, I'm absolutely right. Another thing that distracts me a lot is there's a lot of

what they thought to be subtle VFX. Anytime there's more than two chimps on the screen, it was probably like digitally inserted or split screened on or weird things. So obviously because three H's loose in a studio as a time bomb, you can only disarm with a rifle. But yeah, it did not get good reviews. Everyone picked different things that it was wrong with.

Wrong about the New York Times that it was too predictable, which I think is a very, I think it's a very bad thing for an ape to be. I do feel like you get the vibe of the writing instantly. And then you're sort of like, yeah, I see where this is going. Yeah, I just don't know how you could ever predict like how horny and weird, like, you know,

it kept getting hornier and weirder. And that to me was unpredictable. But I guess like the humor is consistently bad. You know, they might have actually said that because they knew it would specifically hurt the feelings of the producers because of all the things they were trying to be. It was not predictable. Yeah. Another article I clipped was The Sunset Know, which made the exact same point Lady Made that this is a kid's show with a couple of dick jokes shoved in there. Then a Variety said it was a one-note concept

that was spread too thin, and I 100% agree with that. This is an entire meal made out of frosting. These chimps are so amazing in little small bursts, and then this show is fucking pile of trash. Yeah, I definitely laughed at parts of it, like, because you can't get past the fact that monkeys are funny. Yeah, but they're funny for like four, like, because you can't get past the fact that monkeys are funny. Yeah, yeah, I love them funny for four like 15 seconds. If you cut if you cut into WCW thunder

for a commercial break and just showed me 15 seconds of that one trip that's just screaming and on fire, like, fuck, yeah, that's the best thing I've ever seen. Yeah, that was great. Yeah, no more of that. But why is it when they're hurt that it's the funniest, like, I died with the chip in the full body casket on a microwave thrown at him. Yeah, I guess the sightgags don't rely on brilliant lines.

Like, oh, God, what was the fucking monocle a winsky joke? Oh, jeez. Yeah, one of the couples. Like interns are supposed to blow or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that was that was real bad But then with a good thing that made that joke work is those two apes who were delivering that line

Started battling just unrelated to the script. They started fighting. I was like, yes More of that The chip was clearly supposed to slap him and he slapped him. The other chimp was like, mother fucker. It was a chimp brawl. Yeah, that was good. I do have an important question to ask. Um, how long did you watch until you got very sad? I had to take a break, 10 minutes and go get a little drink for myself.

About three minutes. I think, I think. OK. Like when, when, whenever they got to the end of the first sketch with the with the anvil, I was like, oh, OK. I think for me, it should have been the overall sort of background noise of animal neglect or cruelty. But I think I went like 18 minutes in and then the fucking Zina sketch starts and I realized the entire Zina sketch is going to be this joke for like three minutes

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that happened to me the very first sketch I got sad as a comedy writer and then I got sad as a an animal lover as I Saw this ape come out and he did like the hands on the hips move, which you probably noticed. And I thought that was incredible. I was just amazed. And then he did it again and the sadness of it hit me that like, oh no, like these things have just been drilled with the same movement for months and months.

And it just sort of, I got to see the backstory of a chimpanzee learning a single like gesture. Was just like this parade of sadness in my mind. Oh, anyway, um, happy news. Uh, Pita claims that they found one of, yes, they found one of the chimps eating dog food in some Tiger King style roadhouse or roadside zoo or whatever. Um, I rescued him from that and made him a star.

No, no, no, this is post show. This is post show. They tracked him down. I learned from the National Institutes of Health that captive chimps are prone to heart disease and mental illness. And that's when I stopped looking up show business apes. So let's talk about the show. Mental illness.

Yeah, it's not healthy for apes to do crazy non-ape things, I guess all day long. It's not healthy to teach an ape to mime a blow job like for anybody for society. But it really cured my depression. So okay, this show starts with a Christian war movie parody, which I think in 1999 was like the edge equivalent of fully flopping your titties out. This was wild to just make fun of God on TV. I have a clip, you're not gonna like it.

This is the light of his perfect love, Lefty. He knows your pain and will grant you everlasten joy if you'll only let him into your heart. Buzz off! Foot lefty! Feed it! Keep your lucky charms to yourself. Fine. Have it your way, smartass.

And then, from the heavens, comes... That's right, it was an Anvil sound. Touched by an Anvil. Tuesdays at 7.30 only on TCC. Sadness. That was the whole thing. I was hopeful. I thought this was going to be monkey SNL and I was game for that.

And then it's like the long term storyline that really makes you really sad. The little sketches are not funny, but they're okay with me. They end quick enough that it's hard to fully hate them. Yeah. I think that's a great point about the story thread being a anchor around these immensely ill monkeys feet. I remember growing up in like 30 Rock was in full swing. So I grew up under the lie that like Hollywood satire generally works out and is fun.

And I just did not know about the mass fucking elephant graveyard of failed shows and movies and everything of just look at the corrupt heart of Hollywood. Yeah, this is to be clear to the listeners that this is sort of a meta spoof of TBS itself. So this is like a TV station run by apes. Presumably in a world where apes have replaced humans, they don't live alongside us, do they? No, there were no humans. Right? It's all a primary world. It's like a cow and chicken or something. But their pop culture has developed exactly as ours has developed. Right. With some pretty zany comedic changes.

I'm listening. What's this pitch? So instead of the ocean, it's trees. We're calling it green. 13 episodes. I didn't even hear the rest of that sentence. Yep, we're in. So it does start with Timmy. This is his first day of work.

He's a nerd. He's voiced by Invadersim. That's who that was. Oh my god. That's who that was. That's why you recognize it. He's professing his love to the Pamela Anderson ape on a tree watch poster.

Very strangely, like I want to touch those titties. Like he's really trying to get in the panties of the poster in a public place. That's like an exact quote. I think he says I want to grab him. Yeah, yeah. I embellished a little. I didn't put it in my notes. I was too busy writing that fucking awesome double Jeopardype joke from earlier. I'm sure everyone remembers that. So this David Hasselhoff chimp comes in and he tells him that the real Marina would bite

his fingers off, which I thought was a little too close to what a chimpanzee would really do. I wrote that down on my notes too. I was like, that's a little too real. Don't say that in front of chimpanzees, you guys. The writers put that in because the handler told them like if you get anywhere near that chip, it will bite your fingers off and spit them back at you.

And they're like, oh, that's going in. Because there's something wrong with me. I did write the line down. It's can I have a feel? Oh, it's bad. It's so it's so gross. It's the most in cell way to put it. Like like if it was a human, it'd be gross.

But the fact that it's a two-dimensional picture of an ape, just adds that little, just that element. It would be crazy to be proud enough of that line to bring it back. Yeah, for that to be the final joke of the show, the joke that they leave on. God damn, you're right. That's exactly how they close the show.

It's their silver bullet. What a callback. They called exactly how they close the show. It's their silver bullet. What a callback. They called a callback on the biz. Remember when I wanted to touch those eight titties? So the Hasselhoff guy comes in, he does that little sassy hands on the hips pose I was talking about. And this like completely took me out of the show because at first I was like, God, what a what a thing to be able to talk this animal into,

this wild animal to walk over onto his mark, not tear his wig off and stomp into a statue pose. And I'm just like, incredible, the bond between trainer and ape. And then somehow just seeing him do that a second time later, flipped it all in my head, like, oh, oh God, that this poor, this poor captured monkey. This poor little man.

Yes, this poor, too human-like to be living this hell. So the nerd chimp, he's the intern, and there's a lot of dialogue that has like no prayer of getting a laugh, which I thought was strange, that there's like a laugh track and they sort of hit it randomly, but there's no real punch lines.

There's no real like attempts at jokes. Yeah, I think it's just monkey wear a little suit. Monkey wear a little suit, whatever he says, funny. Yeah, I completely agree that like, but they've built this plot. And I'm just saying, like it's too much. Like if one ape came in and said, the plot is meteors and the other second ape said,

like quickly to the silly costumes. I'm like, yes, awesome. This is a great plot. It's a great plot. That would way better, you're right. But it's like, no, I need to establish some emotional stakes because like I want to give a present to this ape. And I was just, it's fucking crazy.

To try to get a handle on it, I did write almost this, it's not a real outline, but just of the emotional core of the show and it kind of flows like, fuck actors, fuck interns, then it's fuck women, fuck audiences, fuck women again. I felt like it hated women in a very authentic way. I believed believed that. I just I believed that from those chimps. I'm like, man, chimps hate women. Yeah, not a single not a single woman that's like a real character on the show. They're all parodies of like femininity, like the big blue family, Anderson, you got old grandma who's cranky. You got kind motherly figure. That's it.

Frankie, you got kind motherly figure, that's it. So I guess I have a good example of that here where Timmy meets the wardrobe lady, the wardrobe chimpanzee. This was Natalie from Facts of Life, that's a fun fact. They do a Delta Burke fat joke where he, like they didn't even inspire anyone to hit the laugh track button. The ape says, I fitted it for the Delta Burke story. Big jeans, big dreams like that's the whole fucking thing.

But like sure, bad joke, but like that means there's an ape Delta Burke or they do actually live and work alongside us humans. Yeah, they didn't change that to like a funny ape version. Yeah, does that Delta bananas or something? I think it's hard to do Delta Burke as an ape. Maybe I was just thinking Delta. Then don't. It's pretty good.

No. Then don't you made it up. Made it Delta Bonobo. I would accept that. I love that they didn't acknowledge that with even a pause for a laugh. Yeah. They're just like, fuck it. Fuck that joke next. I remember Marina.

I wish I didn't remember the Pamela Ape's name, but she sort of gets the show's first like spike of unsociated meanness when like it thinks like in the first 40 seconds, they call her a silicone witch. Yeah. And she's I mean, she's awful. She is awful. But it's like oh that was a that's an intense start to our monkey show I didn't think that was the vibe I had to come here

ah too young too young for the 2000s wow I didn't think it would be like War Nails describing his ex-wife or something I don't know what hey kids do you like monkeys? Fuck women with fake tits. That's the energy immediately. Yeah. Not to do realist, but Sean, did you have

the monkey premature ejaculation clip? No, I took the opening joke and the closing joke and I just, I didn't think it was fair. The show is obviously very terrible, but they knew there would be apes, and so I feel like the writing reflected that. They're like, this does not have to be a good joke, the apes will sell it.

And so that's my excuse for not pulling clips. Well, when Timmy the intern meets the wardrobe lady, the first thing he says is, wow, that means you've seen Marina without any. Yeah. I wet myself. Yes. But there's no reason that would be pee,

and he didn't say it was pee, so that was premature ejaculation. I have that in Yes. But there's no reason that would be P and he didn't say it was P. So that was premature ejaculation. I have that in my notes. Absolutely yes. I also wrote that down sadly. He just in his diaper is what it says in my notes. That was an early segfault in my brain. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, they shouldn't have done that. Marina is voiced by Jennifer Hale. She's a very famous voice actor. She was Commander Shepherd, and she's Lilith in that Marvel Midnight Suns game that Brock Wayne and I like. And her character is, she's just a fucking really mean ape. One of her first lines is she's on the phone

and she tells some guy to shut his prune hole. And it has no context. It's just like, that's the kind of writing of the show is like, insert something mean here and they're just kind of like, all right, fuck it. And they're like, no, we can't say fuck it. How about silicone witch? All right, sure.

Whatever. It doesn't have to be good. They're apes. Yeah, though, it's very strange and I honestly think that it should have at least had the amusing value like, OK, constant insults, you get to like turn a phrase. But it's generally just trait object. And it you feel the meanness, but you don't get that like fun twist out of it. Right. Yeah.

Like Frasier is just constant insults, but they're like witty or whatever. Sure. This is like the line is, you know, did someone switch your medication? Like, yeah. Is that the whole thing? I take pills from a mental illness. Yeah, that's hilarious. You won't find this funny.

Yeah, yeah, it's true. We just sort of didn't care. And she told that to the to Larry King character, which is played by the the Russian circus fighting orangutan, which quick poll, that's got to be the one they found eating dog food, right? That's the saddest thing. I know that was a chimpanzee. They found eating dog food.

Oh, my God. I don't know what that orangutan. I don't know what happened to him. And I'm really glad because there's no happy ending for any of these apes. Oh, yeah. Do not Google what happened to him. Somebody taught him to steal cotton wire. Are you sure they didn't take the time to like re-home these celebrity apes? It does. Yes, of course. To their own special crews.

They're out on their own boat that will never will never hit land. I would love an ape cruise. What a fun way to die. What a what a memorable weekend. You know, if you're going to enter a disease boat, like at least killer apes would add some like spice to it. Right. Oh, that should be a 2000s reality prank show. Like these couple, this couple thought they won a cruise,

but whoops, all chips, the staff, all the other passengers, cruise ship, full of chips. Ape boat. You know, I think if we just convince Netflix it was somehow also dating, they would make it. Yep. One out of every seven of these ladies and these couples is an ape, and we won't tell you who.

They're all like mask singer costumes, and you're like, I don't know, she seems maybe too silly, that one might be the ape. She seems a little silly, but I liked the way she attacked and tore apart the host. Like I was really sad. She might just be from Boston. We don't know.

It makes it even weirder that a different player is smearing waste on the wall. Oh, it's flavor of love again. Yep, we keep reinventing flavor of love. So we're talking about that that chimpanzee jizzing in his diaper. I'm really glad we were talking about that because this raises an important question. Are we? Are we glad about that? Sean's glad.

We got that on tape. That's good. Put that in the record. What it means here is that the chimps find most nudity to be like sexual presentation, which changes a lot because you might not know this at home, but apes don't normally wear clothes. And so the idea of this guy's like, oh, you've seen an ape naked, get ya!

But like that's a normal thing for an ape to be. Strange, I'm just still trying to world build this place. So the big boss comes in and he steals Timmy, who David Hasselhoff has claimed was his intern, and the big boss is like, no, no, no, he's my intern. So now the stakes of the show, six minutes in, are one little boy is horny, and there are two powers fighting over a slave.

Not, it's hard for me to get invested in either one of those things, if I'm being super honest. Hey, I mean, that was like short fiction until like 1866, you know, you got to it's a historical throwback. Okay, what's the next skit? This is the Larry Kingspoof where the orangutans plays Murray Price, who is very horny for Marina, who's playing herself because it's that's the through light of the show is now that the Pamela Anderson Ape is doing

a talk show. She's so mean to him, but he's also very horny coming at her. But the only thing I really took away from this is they taught the orangutan this like dramatic point like he would point to the ceiling real quick, like Nicholas Cage style. And I don't, they taught it too many loves doing it, he just keeps doing it and it's, it fucking every time it cracked me up. I don't know what it is about certain gestures

that make me happy and certain gestures that make me very, very sad. But. So our hands on hips bad point to ceiling amazing. Yes, yes. If any apes are to ceiling. Amazing. Yes. Yes. If any apes are listening, maybe tell me why that is. After you slain your captors, I had a little eight letter about that gesture when it comes to the monkey movements.

I remember Marina's eight like halftime when it talks, it, it sort of looks like it's cleaning its teeth. And that is sort of intuitively like it's cleaning its teeth. And that is sort of intuitively funny to me in a way that nothing that is being mined behind the teeth cleaning is right. Like I get a lot of just little endorphins out of that. They taught Timmy had to do a very human like smile. Would you would you think of that human smile that Timmy did? Oh, absolutely.

That is a threatening smile that chimps do. Like that's why you, that's why we're the 50 foot rule came from Timmy did that smile and everybody just fucking vacated. Yeah. That made my whole nervous system like go on alert where that chimp like looked into the camera and smiled. I was like, uh, I'm not saying I would punch the monkey if he did that in front of me,

but I would know I'm very close to having to fight for my life if I saw that smile. That's that's a preamble to like a fight or flight instinct. It's like the loading music. Yeah. The apple pinwheel to the fight of your fucking life. This this whole show sort of strikes me as the kind of show that you may have been involved in where they just sort of ask a bunch of different writers to just put something together.

Like I've written for some of these projects where I'll get a call and they'll be like, we're developing a show with celebrity puppets and we need sketches. Any sketches, whatever, doesn't have a name. We don't have any celebrities attached. We just need something for the pitch deck. And so it's usually good money, but it's like aggressively aggressively not art like it'd be stupid to put your heart into it

So I mean you don't want to polish a joke to perfection and then toss it to an ape So I guess I guess I've talked myself into thinking this show has no chance of being good under any circumstances or Really anything other than half-assed jokes Elevated to comedy by the zaniness of ape. I guess I've I don't know what I'm trying to say I feel like the greatest and worst producers on earth all make the exact same show giving these chimpanzee conditions So we're making fun of the writing, but it's also like how weird would it be if the writing was good or would the show even be there? This show is an yeah

Somebody it's inevitable that eventually a producer would think about monkeys and they would put together this exact show. Doesn't matter which producer. Oh, it's like how evolution like leads to crabs like TV leads to this show. Exactly. The cancer application of, of ape is what we'll call this film theory. I kind of challenged myself to like find which line would just make me happiest in and of itself or which one I just got the most out of. And what I learned is that I'm actually dying because it's not even a really a good one.

But for some reason in the song parody, be true to your roots, your roots will be true to you during the whole tree watch thing. I don't know. That was my that was my demi quaver of like, you know, you like that. That was the line. I was waiting liked that? That was the line? I was waiting for you to get to the line. I had just been drowned in monkey. I don't know what's wrong with me now.

That's a real glass half full take. It is, yeah. That's very sweet, because like, nothing's making me laugh unless a monkey falls down and gets hurt by the way. That's all it's gonna do it for me. It wasn't so much a line, but I gotta say my favorite part in the Tree Watch sketch

was when they did the slow motion bouncing Ape Tint. Yes. No. It was. I specifically was like, I'm mad about watching this show now at that point. That's right, you're right. It was despair.

I was confused. I thought this was when the show was the strongest too. Like, because it's what the show should have been, right? It's just like apes taking off sunglasses dramatically or mimicking sexy human movements. It's like, it's a full like farce of human behavior and it just happens and it's gone and it's very silly and adorable.

They have an old lady ape up a tree. I thought that was very very cute in a way. I don't know. I read an article, it was cited on Wikipedia is where I found it. So who knows how true this is, but the producers would complain about the Pamela Anderson ape because she knew in her chimp heart

that the spandex swimsuit was a diaper. So every time they put her in the swimsuit she would take a shit in it. Oh, that's incredible. Imagine hating the ape for that. Hating the chimp for that. Well, I watched that Hulk Hogan reality show, and they had a baby chimp. And Hulk Hogan was really mad about the chimp poop,

because he was like, it's not like a dog's poop, it's like a human poop. And so I'd never considered that before, but I guess they're omnivores and very human-like, so they would probably have like a full human piece of poop that's very gross in a way dog poop isn't. But I feel like if you sign up to do a show that's got like seven monkeys in it,

you should be prepared to deal with some monkey poop. Yeah, I'd be prepared to die. That's the only part of it. I only take that job if I'm prepared to die. Yeah. Yeah. If I work on the show and I come home smelling like poop instead of blood, it's a wound. I'm crushing this. Every whiff of poop is a reminder you survived your chimpanzee day.

God, they have a little four wheeler. I loved their. Okay. There was a thing in here that like this is when I turned on the show hard where she's in the tree and they're trying to get her out of the tree. And so they throw her life preserve from like, okay, sure, that's what an ape would do. That's very stupid. But then they shake her out of the tree and she falls and and I'm like, okay, oh, so far so good. Then she's like, I'm going to sue you.

I'm like, this sucks. And then her watch goes off and she says, it's time for sex in the city. Not a joke, not a fucking, not even the respect of a banana pun. It's just like, I'm gonna go watch television now. I was like, fuck this, that's not, that's fucking nothing. Pissed off about it still.

They definitely like invoking other shows, like maybe those, the memory of those endorphins will come back to you during it. That's a good point. Not even put in a pun is like disrespect to me is the audience. To not even try and do a monkey pun with sex in the city, like put in two seconds of effort.

And I bet Sean can come up with 27 monkey puns. Banana and the City, Sex and the Banana. Perfect, I love it. Amazing. Oh man. 25 more. It's like, not even hack, it's like the most normal person in the world,

ad-libbing over footage of apes that they're watching for the very first time I don't know if you've ever been at the zoo when like there's noisy squares there and they're like fucking make the animals talk It's it's worse than that. It's just nothing. God damn. I'm so pissed off about it. It's and it's hornier It's hard to say we're skipping over another chip blowjob joke here. Yeah, I don't know that it's worth Yeah, you know what I will please Don't want to miss a go ahead, please David Hasselhoff Yeah, you know what? I will. Please. Oh, yeah, we don't want a mistake. Go ahead, please.

David Hasloff. David Hasloff, Chip, says a tree-bound individual cuts himself on a branch. What do you do? And Pam Anderson, Chip, says, making an incision and suck out the bark. But what if the cut is on his, um, and then we cut away? But yeah, we're implying like, do I suck his dick? Do I suck his chip dick in the show? Is the rest of that sentence could have been an ass eating joke? We don't know. Probably probably wasn't. It was probably we didn't eat ass in 1999.

How they try to get there. They try to get to that point by being like, well, yeah, you'd have to suck out the bark. No, what is that? What are you even? That's nothing. What is the setup? The setup is madness. Because a spike snakes, they would suck out venom. What is that? What are you even? That's nothing? What is the setup? The setup is madness because apes fight snakes They say would suck out venom Ridiculous a lot of questions on like how how do they think sex works like fuck even in this universe?

Just how do they think to humans? Yeah Going to business and they do it they think it's so good They do a callback later after like they figure out, okay, so to skip ahead just a little bit, they figure out that the deal with this old lady chimp in the tree is that she keeps putting herself in the tree because she's got Munchausen syndrome. And like the punchline to that is that she's just

cripplingly alone. And then we don't have a joke observation for that. So we just go like, oh, well, it sucks we wound up this dark. So we just feel like, oh, well, it sucks. We wound up this dark. So she winds up in the tree again and says, hey, I cut myself on this branch. Can you suck out the bark?

And Payman Anderson Chip says, suck your own bark. She asked for a head from the younger chimps and they told her to suck her own bark. I guess it's the punch line. Yeah, just competing threads of meanness, just a shadow cast. Mean, horny, hating the olds. It's got everything. Yeah.

And you have to give it so much credit to like get these jokes to work. Like they are really counting on you to just like allow anything. I'm just so pissed off. It is interesting. Like, it has almost like a feeling like it wants to push. It pushes the envelope, but to no, like, end or point or particular humor. And every parody has this thing where I'm not sure they've seen the thing, especially Braveheart, the Braveheart one.

Oh my God. I actually kind of like the Braveheart one. God damn that Braveheart one. Like it was nothing like, they had nothing to do with Braveheart at all, but that's what I liked about it. Well, it did, it was, the whole Braveheart skit is based on

that throwaway line with William Wallace makes fun of his own legend. He's like, yeah, and if William Wallace was here, you know, he shoot firebolts from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. It was all based on bolts of lightning from his arse. Oh, I like it less now. Yeah, so that's a line.

I've never seen Braveheart, so I didn't know. That's a line from the movie. I didn't remember the line. I thought it was just absurdism, and I was like, okay, we're getting here. Oh, you thought something was happening. It's funny to do a Braveheart sketch where he bends over and shoots lightning out of his ass

because I'm not expecting that. Now I feel good, sure. But it's based on a lot of people who don't like it anymore. It wasn't, no, that didn't make me laugh. What really made me laugh for some reason was Braveheart 2, Braveheart versus Carmigulon. Yeah, that's a... Carmigulon is a funny name.

Yeah, it wasn't bad. I feel like that's okay. Give me five of those. And yeah, and we'll we'll run three of them. I don't know. It's just kind of embarrassing. Like thousands of hours of ape science went into this and it's just like, this is like, that's all you got.

It's just kind of a zany. The only thing I had was Braveheart versus Carmichael. Yeah. Which is like kind of aggressively not a reference to anything. You know, it's like, it's silly, but you didn't build to it with any kind of a pattern breaking. It's just, I don't know. As a comedy writer, it's frustrating for me to see such amateur work, I guess. I am seriously not convinced they saw Hactis. Like if you described all these shows to like a dumb person or a monkey,

let's just say a monkey, like, OK, Zina parody. She, it's OK, cover album music, Zina voice. Yep. And she runs into some space guy with a really bad, like, 50 sci-fi name. Yeah, that's the kind of guy she would fight. And I'm honestly not even sure they saw Baywatch. And this all is betting so much on that Baywatch parody.

And also me being into Baywatch but not knowing much about it and also hating it? I think they either may have watched Baywatch or accidentally like stumbled into a perfect spoof because the old lady was in the tree because she wanted attention, she was lonely and they like found this out through some really dumb detective work.

They're like, hey, your recliner is set to catapult mode and you did it, you did this to yourself and she's like, Hey, your your recliner is set to catapult mode. And you you did it. You did this to yourself. And she's like, Yep, I'm lonely. Like that's a Baywatch plot. Like that's a it's a chip version. Put it like that. You're right. That is Baywatch larger. And multiply that by 70. And that's one hour of Baywatch. That's a that's a good point. The prosecution accepts this. Baywatch would spend less time on that plot line than this skip though. So yes.

Take away points for that. That's true. I guess so Timmy's now in the main boss's office and there's a bird puppet. They did not train a parrot. I think the apes would have torn apart a real parrot. I doubt I was like, would the apes have freaked out if that was a real bird.

That seems like one of those lessons you learn by doing. Yeah. This is attempt number four at Bird. This time it's a puppet. This was voiced by Maurice Lamar. She's another voice superstar. He was Egon. He was the brain on Animaniacs. And of course, he was Chancellor Naysay on that My Little Pony show that Brock Wayne and I like. Oh my God.

Is your pony generation like that 80s stuff or that thing that was big around like 2013 or? Oh, I'd never watched a pony show. I was kidding. I assumed because you had two daughters. Maybe that was real. Yeah, they haven't forced me to watch any pony shows yet. We watch a lot of Bluey, which is actually really pleasant. Oh, God, I love. I watch Bluey. I have no children.

Speaking of pleasant, the network owner is watching a stripper chimp in his private jet. I think if I'm not mistaken, this is a solid gold SR 71, which all nerds know as the X-Men's plane from the 80s and 90s. That's what he's flying around in. Perfect. I thought it looked familiar. Private plane to Ogle and get close-ups on a prostitute, chimps, tits. I mean, that's just great stage craft. I really like the idea of like the costume designer kind of going off on his own and like

They think them walking in on him doing this Like what the fuck are you doing? Oh, no, this is for the show It has to be okay the bikini has to be, but something that a chimp can get off quickly. Right. I mean, we really need to dial this in. This is my day. This is my whole day. And it has to fit over a diaper because you saw what that other chip did to the swimsuit.

I wonder how many seasons it would take for the monkey to slowly learn shame as it gets picked up for these grits. It would happen quick, I think. I think the Prostitute Monkey was the most talented one. Like it was really dancing. Yeah. I mean, fucking quote me on this, that chimpanzee was hot.

Like it put its all into the little dance. Like that chimp could go on to be famous. It could be a little chip surely temple. Because it can dance. As Bovo the stripping chip. That chip has a lucrative career. That chip and the worst strip club in the most, the most fine strip club in town.

When they make that hot sequel to most valuable ape. They did. It was to most valuable ape. They did. It was called most vertical ape, most vertical primate. Incredible. Watch the monkey. He'll flip. He doesn't skateboard until like an hour and 10 minutes into that movie. That's a hockey movie. And the VHS box makes you think it's a skateboarding movie. That's a fuck.

That's fucking unethical ape behavior. That's a crime, yeah. I want to see the Chimps skateboard. Yeah, that's a better business bureau issue. Like, I think I have to go back to the video store at that point. We should do a class action lawsuit. Barely skate forward. Listeners, if you were harmed by most vertical primate,

MVP too, Caldwell Law Offices of Denard Liddy, Sean, baby and Brockway. We'll let you the next twist you deserve. We have a catchphrase now. The next one was America's most uncomfortable videos. And I think this was a big yes for me. This was a bunch of monkeys getting hit in the dick and what seemed like a faithful recreation of a lot of

famous America's funniest home videos. They have monkeys playing t-ball and he's like, oh, here comes hit me right in the dick. Like, I really set it up for like, like real comedy writers. Like, this monkey is gonna get hit in the dick for you. And it's exactly this. What if instead of this show, it's just we recreate shot for shot every episode of America's Funniest Home Videos but with chimps? Greenlit.

Yep. Greenlit. I know. Even though I know it won't work because of what we just watched. Greenlight. You would go through so many chimps too. Oh, man. Maybe we could use kids. Boo. You would go through so many chimps too. Oh, man. Maybe we could use kids. Wait, bring the chips. Now it's just the actual America's funny.

Yeah, I know. I kind of want to see see kids like recreate all the baseball accidents. I feel like this. I feel like there's an audience of prison bound people. See, I want to see the chimps recreate the trampoline accidents. Oh, God, damn, you're right. That would be incredible. Gold.

They're just that much more. It's going to be really weird when they like land half of those. Like these chimps are just shitting on us. Yeah, just flip, flip, flip, flip. God, these chimps are too talented. There us. Yeah, just flip, flip, flip, flip. God damn it, these chimps are too talented. There was a video on America's Funniest Home Videos that was very famous, I think it won early on, where it was like a rodeo rider and the horse

like did a somersault, like completely smashing this person to the ground and then came up with them still on it and they were like completely intact. I don't know if you've seen this or remember this, but it was fucking crazy. I think we should do that with an ape. Yeah, for sure. How do we green light it faster now?

I am actually covering four, we're doing eight weeks, so we already know what we're all covering for mine, which we'll run after this podcast, the day after this podcast, I'm covering a couple of episodes of Lancelot Link, mostly so I can talk about the behind the scenes thing. And they do have a horse cowboy episode and you'll never believe this. They achieved all of the authentic horse riding scenes by tying the

chips to the horse. What was the plan B? That had to have been plan A. What was the back plan for once the chips just get away tied to a horse? Like put the world's least convincing doll on the horse? Do you? Oh man. I sure hope this works because that knot is secure.

I guess the other idea is you get a lot of chimps and a sort of deal of the churn. I think that's kind of how that worked. It was like the 60s. You call the Russian circus. We need your second and third best fighters now, please. So let's see, we're back in the ape reality and the Pamela Anderson ape is mad because the intern has got her skywriting for her birthday and the sky now says happy 52nd

birthday to the ape and she's upset because they do like all the jokes you'd expect from like a an actress not wanting anyone to know how old she is. I think 52 translates to like 85 in human. It's hard to measure because captive apes die young and wild apes are killed young. So I don't know if we've ever just had a situation where an ape can just comfortably live out their life. Don't look up apes is my point listeners.

It sounds like you made the mistake of googling apes before this podcast. I should have done any research. I should have expected TV apes to be like a vortex to darkness, but my brain, I guess my brain comforted in itself by just looking at these jokes. I remember the line, the beast has awakened stood out to me. Yeah, that's pretty good. I liked that line because they taught the chimp to hold his fists in the air dramatically, like when he says that was pretty good.

That chimp is actually one of the standout chimps. I think the the mousy of the two president characters, the gay coded right wing chimp. Yes, he's good. You're picking up a lot of subtle ape energy. They gave him the voice of the doctor from Lost in Space. Like that's not. That's true.

I'm I'm I'm not pulling this out of my ass. You bring up an excellent point. So they OK, so the the Pamela Anderson it calls her agent who has a car with surface to air missiles and he shoots down the sky rider who is the interns uncle. So Timmy's uncle has been fucking killed. And then they cut to a Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And you'll never guess what they call the spoof of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, not Buffy the Banana Slayer or but no, the banana, the Vampire Slayer. So here's what happens in this spoof. She kills the principal cast and that's fucking it. The whole thing. This isn't worth the wig hair it took to make these wigs. And like the plot of the steak. Yes, it's just a fucking.

She just kills everybody. And then they're like, hey, I'm not even a vampire. She's like, I don't care. This is this is a fucking mean thing to say, but this's like, I don't care. This is a fucking me thing to say, but this is a control off deletes comic. This is a fucking, it's just violence. Yeah, this is a shredded moose tear. I could see Tim Buckley or an acolyte producing it.

I remember like after they, after she stabs the first girl monkey, which is a great sentence, but she's dead and look what you did to her implants. Yeah. Yeah, they just can't get fake titties out of their brain. Yeah, they're really angry about fake boobs. They need to get that across.

It's important. I don't know what fist fight they lost to a plastic surgeon at some point. It really colors this. It's almost like there are a lot of writers in Hollywood that are getting turned down by women with fake breasts and that makes them angry. Oh man. You know, I think we put together this.

This is a lot of order. I'm also gonna, you know, we proved me wrong moments ago, but now I'm gonna redouble down on, we proved it me wrong moments ago, but now I'm going to redouble down on they have not seen this shit. Like these are all jokes like I have seen a Buffy ad. Yeah, you could fully write that Buffy parody knowing only the names Buffy and Angel, which you saw in a commercial on like the CW. You saw like a commercial in the CW.

You're like, I get it. I get enough to do a joke. What year is this? 1999? There's the internet, sure, but only nerds use it. She like, she slaves vampires and she's kind of a bitch, right? Yeah, I get it. This part actually made me think that they did have a writer's room, because earlier

I thought maybe they just like chummed the waters for fucking any writer to come in and write sketches But this one feels like someone said have an idea Buffy the vampire slayer and someone said I love it write it up And they're like oh no shit I didn't want anyone to say yes to that idea and then they just like wrote this I just realized I hadn't talked in a long time And I I don't want to get fired I didn't think you'd say yes, but I've never seen Buffy and also I will not watch it before I write this sketch. Yeah, that's someone hungover. Head into the pitch meeting with nothing. And it just really stands out when they parody anything that's like kind of a weird show unto

itself that they are just not writing this monkey unicycle across a finish line like they. Yeah, I feel like the tropes in Buffy the Vampire Slayer where it was like the pitter patter little like dialogue. See, you have the chimps make fun of that. Like, or just ask somebody who's seen the show like what makes this show unique and then fucking add a chimpanzee to that? What am I a fucking genius?

Yeah. Like, I don't know. They should have. If one of those chimps had been spike, I would have forgiven everybody. I don't think a spike wig on a chip is going to be an option. That's what I'm saying. It's high difficulty, but you go for it. That's a good point. The high difficulty.

I wonder how many of these ideas got neutered by like, oh, we can't have a chimpanzee do that. Like, are you crazy? But then again, like they had chimpanzees on horses holding swords. They shot one of them out of the sky. I feel like maybe there's... Maybe there's a whole brave heart sword fight missing

just because it kept ending in monkey shit. Like, it just... Or in like, three decapitated monkeys. We got to open up these monkeys' swords. That wasn't a good idea. They're like, I dulled the swords. They're not sharp swords. They're chimpanzees. They have the strength of three men! If you look closely, the monkey changes,

because they just never got the sword monkey back under control. Yeah. I can just own the back of my head. A switch got flipped. He's like, my God, the power. It's out there in the forest, just teaching other monkeys. The prop mask just like, what have I done? Fucking origin story of Planet of the Apes.

History will remember you as a son of a bitch, sir. That actually is the upside of the show. Like the entire time you're watching, you're not really worried that the Apes are going to learn language from being surrounded by this dialogue. They do learn violence because we come out of the buffet sketch into the writers in the closet section Which is it Timmy runs into the closet and sees oh, there are other chimps here And then turns out that that's where the writers they keep the writers and

That's where we do the Monica Lewinsky joke and the chimps start actually fighting Highlight of the show absolutely Absolutely highlight and they're cowards because they cut away. Like you just, yeah, you if I was the director there, I would say, God damn it, keep rolling. And just, yeah, what kind of carless NASCAR shit is that? That's kind of. One of the chips grabs the other and just like rips his head down and

gets fucking real. It gets real so fast. Oh man, I wonder which one was like the alpha chimp in this cast. I wonder how many skits got paused for murder. It's like we can't, just we gotta stop. He's gonna tear us out. I think chips decide alpha by noise. So then like a chimpanzee around this many props, it would be the the chimp clever enough to find like the, I don't know, the bedpan or the drums or something

that makes like a nice big boom. Yeah, they put the Xena chip by like a whole like microphone set up. Maybe she's just waving that around and. Yep. A karaoke system. She's that full alpha monkey now. It would really ruin the shoot if the intern was like the king monkey and they're like, Hey, we need to look like sort of Demure and Woody Allen ask and he just keeps battering these other monkeys.

Can we? Can we reel this dude in a little? Can we reel this dude in a little? Oh, God, I would love to be in the meetings between like the chimpanzee handler and like the zany dick out comedy writer. Yeah, I do. I think the best show that could come out of this show would just be a show about the monkey politics behind the show. Like, oh, we can't put Bobo and Sinsen in the same room ever. Like.

Yeah. Like. Fuck each other's wives. That's, oh man, that's fucking, the heart of darkness for this show. That's the pitch. Oh, fuck. Oh, this is a Hulk and Randy Savage hate each other and view life. That's sort of these two fucking monkeys. Again, these are humans that exist in our world.

They do not have chimpanzee equivalents. It's not a monocle- Banana's Lewinsky. It's not a Monocle, Bananas, Lewinsky. I do think they called her Bananas, Lewinsky for a little while. Rollin' to all the notes. The joke is Timmy says, I really blew it, and then Biff, one of the writers says, isn't that what interns are supposed to do? And then the other monkey says, no Monocle Lewinsky jokes,

and then he kind of lightly slaps him him and then the other monkey looks at him like brawling and cut away every time I remember that it makes me laugh so hard I mean it's a crime in a lot of ways but it's fun you can tell like I guess we speak well enough at this point that we could tell that was not acting. Like we all saw the switch back into Wild Animal. That's cause we have to be able to identify that and be like, oh no, he's pissed.

That's true. All right, 50 feet, we got 50 feet, run. Oh man, that is my new reference point for happy accident. You know, they probably cut because a a trunk dart hit him in the neck. Because if we saw that you know the guy with the trunk rifle saw it. So they forced Marina to apologize for killing Timmy's uncle

under threat of lawsuit. And if there was a setup to this, I guess I just didn't notice. So she's like reading a prepared statement to an intern to not sue the studio for murdering his unrelated uncle. The flaming chimps shows up in the hallway because he's not dead. He's like, I'm on fire. And again, this is a great screaming. Just that just that second that like 15 seconds where like a chimp dressed in an aviator walks around a corner on fire, stands there and like puts his arms

in the ice cream. So good. This is what I'm so good. I came out of nowhere. It's great. It's a disaster. It's pure chaos. That's what I want. The fire. It's great. It's a disaster. It's pure chaos. It's what I want The fire is so bad like Did not have fake fire capabilities and they already they didn't get the shot when they lit the chip on fire for real It's funny, but it's not it's not funny. Yeah, we got it. We'll see you and then um

It hits that nice space where the summary sounds like I'm lying Yeah, which is a good space to be in for a podcast I think so that so Timmy comes out with a jacket and he puts out the fire on his uncle and This is Brock's favorite jacket, so he's like, oh, you broke my favorite jacket. I had ladies phone numbers in it. And again, the writing's so fucking bad. And then the Pamela Anderson monkey comes out

and says, I've hated that jacket for years. And you killed it in a day. She gives him a little kiss. And he takes that little kiss of thank you and turns it into full-on sexual assault. I have a clip. For years I tried to get rid of that disgusting jacket. This boy got rid of it his first day here.

You're all right with me, kid. Wow. Now can I have a feel? Dead bent. I thought you were nice. Just cause I believe in the Easter Bunny doesn't mean I won't go for it. Some folks laugh at anything. I suppose somebody could put me out.

Double fake outs. I do appreciate. I like the energy so much more when you can't see it and you just hear like Chimka company. Like I want that show that I want the show that it sounds like where Timmy delivers his line and then the chips start laughing and then it gets out of control and they just start tearing apart. It's just escalates and escalates. Somebody runs in with a fire extinguisher trying to get him to cool off. They rip it from his hands and start bashing it on the floor.

Oh my god. Now they're lost in the fog. Just show me the chimp chaos that ends every one of these sketches. Like do your terrible sketch and just let the cameras roll for one more minute when they all just turn on. God, I'd love that. The director of these sketches. Like, do your terrible sketch. Yeah. And just let the cameras roll for one more minute when they all just turn on. I'd love that. The director getting all frustrated. Can you get the fucking back to one, please?

They're not listening to me. I've lost visual on the orangutan. I've repeat, I've lost visual. That's why you need the special directing method that that guy developed before his really funny improv show got out of control. No Apes sod, Liddy. I think that beat where the music cuts in after can I have a feel? Like that exact texture. If you have just one kill, that's what like hell sounds like. Not like two, it's worse after two.

If you're like a single murderer, that's what it's like. If it's manslaughter, that's, you get that from manslaughter. You guys probably noticed this, but when he says, now can I have a feel? Like he's referencing the time he was talking to her poster. She doesn't know that he said that in real life. So that was troubling. But much like the real Pamela Anderson,

I'm sure it just happens to her all the time. Yeah, that's true. She's like, you had the first half of this conversation to my poster, didn't you? Like, oh, you're right, you're right. The real Pamela Anderson, sorry, I got you mixed up again. Yeah, she can get through that whole conversation on muscle memory.

Okay, the outtakes on the show, I have to say are pretty amazing. Where they like faked that the monkeys were flubbing lines. and I'm tempted to say this should have been the whole show, but I think that's the trap the creators fell into in the first place. And when we keep falling into every several minutes, well, we talk about this, I thought the same thing. Yeah. I thought the end was way funnier than anything they did.

And it sounds like the end is just what they were, what got them the show. Like the, it's more like what they were doing before that the executives liked and were like, oh, we're going to do a show. And then when they tried to make like a linear plot, that's where where it really all went wrong. Right. Because it's just five second skits of chimps breaking something. And you're like, yeah, that rules. Great. The name makes a little more sense. What it is, I think every like potential fix that flies through your brain is just another chimpshow and you just could feel a whole channel with like the chimp channel.

But right. Like I'd watch the puppy channel. Oh my god. That's a great pitch, right? That's the whole thing. Yeah, just 24 seven the puppy bowl. And I would watch. Puppies bowl is pretty good. I've watched the puppy bowl. Yeah. just 24 seven, the puppy bull. And I would watch. Puppies, pretty good. I've watched the puppy bull.

Yeah. And those puppies only take out like one trainer top. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. They don't they don't fully kill anyone. You know, you're going to get little bites. But I have the 50 foot rule, but it buys you like two minutes.

It buys you like two solid minutes ahead start. When they let's say I have an idea. Puppy Bowl, two chimpanzees. Clear the studio canceled okay when it comes to the show's love of throwaway assault lines, uh, I told you that one's a liar. Don't remember that. Was that from the Monica Lewinsky part? It was earlier than that. The, the, uh, the sort of hunky actor dream, like Baywatch lead guy was talking to the, uh, motherly, costa. Oh, yes.

Cause it was about him having a kid. He's just like, is this your kid? And he says, I told you that woman was a liar. Yeah. And they just blaze through that. And I think that is a real early tone center. I mean, it's after it's groped the poster. So I guess that the die is cast.

Like we've crossed that Rubicon already. It kind of makes me feel like every joke is being told by Bert Reynolds on Jeopardy from SNL. Like he's like, hey, let this guy is a deadbeat dad. That's funny. You know, I guess the poster is like the original sin of the Chimp Channel. Like it could only be this after that.

It's like, do you remember at the end of the matrix under he like fucking flies off? You're like, well, you can't continue after that. Yeah, that's definitely set the tone for like, well, looks like it's all horny. So you think the show still had its innocence when it said touched by an anvil? You're like, they could still pull out of this. Okay. Yeah. Yes. That was some loony. Yeah, that was fine. It sucked, but it was fine. Physical comedy is spiritually neutral. And I gotta say,

as soon as you break the horny chimp seal. That was a pun, true, touched by an Anvil, and then the rest of them, no pun. Just like regular Xena warrior princess, regular Buffy the vampire slayer. Xena the bananas princess, how fucking hard is that? There we go. I feel like I'm learning that it is kind of hard

because I've been sitting here trying to make them and I don't know if you've just broken my brain. You could do Zenae or if it is hard. This is a warrior primate. What you're all overlooking is they picked the cultural references. That's true. You can design around this problem.

They picked Zena. You don't have to pick Zena. You could design around this problem. They picked Xena. You don't have to pick Xena. You could pick the one that works. Yeah, Xena's like fucking impossible to put anything into. You could have done. Would you believe that they... The one that starts with an X. Let's do that.

Double dip the Xenaverse. What? Even in the first three episodes? Yeah, like the second or third episode, they do Hercules, like the incredible journeys kind of thing, and that had a little crossover thing. They didn't get a eight pun. There was no eight pun. The the console was old Hercules.

OK. And it's just more fuck old. That's that Bill Murray sketch for the 70s on SNL. Yeah. I really stick it to the elderly. They're getting. Yeah. You can do out of control. It ends in an eight to the twister. Oh, now I'm listening. There it is.

Yeah, that makes sense. It's just baffling to me that they did two puns because Tree Watch is a pun, you just made me realize. And no others. Why did they just give up? But it could have been Ape Watch. Because they're kind of hard. You know, it could have been.

That's better than Baywatch. That's better than Tree Watch, yeah, Apewatch. Banana watch. Ja, du hast es! Korrekt! Ja! Der Kraft ist nicht, der Trakt ist nicht ohne! Schick die in die Hunde zaub! Führ eine Stunde! Komm schon! Du kippst die Nummer! Einstahlhundert!

Einstahlhundert, Frankfurt! Einstahlhundert, Frankfurt! Einstahlhundert, Frankfurt! Einstahlhundert, Frankfurt! Einstahlhundert, Frankfurt! Einstahlhundert, Frankfurt! Einstahlhundert, Frankfurt! Ein Einstein, who did? Frankfurt! Einstein, do you know your friend? Yeah, knowing thousand!

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