The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 161, Golden Girls' "Dorothy's Prized Pupil" With Dan McQuade

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

Seanbaby thanks Brockway and Dan McQuade for being a friend by showing them that episode of Golden Girls where the ladies fight Mario Lopez. And win!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. Welcome to the Dock Zone 9000, the podcast for 1900HotDock. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the podcast for 1900hotdog.com, the final destination website. And by that, I mean we cheated death and it is now hunting us. I'm falling paint of glass, Sean baby. And I'm here with a flying barbed wire fence, trisecting a man who is now slowly falling into parts,

Robert Brockway. I think I watched the wrong thing for this podcast because if that's a reference to something in this, I must, that was when I got up to go to the bathroom. I'm going to be real interested to see which part that is, though. I'm Robert Brockway. Here's a Brockway fact. I once called Mario Lopez the dried cicada husk left where a man once was. And he just quietly liked the tweet.

No follow up questions. I. No follow up questions. I have no follow up questions. I'm scared to explore that. Like that was terrifying to see. Just Mario Lopez liked this tweet with no comment. Did he like it or did like the insects flowing from his hands and eyes like the tweet? That's what I'm saying, no follow up questions.

Or we're gonna get answers we're not prepared for. We are joined by podcast favorite co-founder and editor of Defector, a cascading calamity of logging truck accident, Dan McQuaid. Hey, thanks. Welcome back. Thank you for having me.

I apparently have Mario Lopez blocked on Twitter. I just went to look at him. I don't know if that was an accident or he just, there got to be a point where it's so Twitter got, I really don't look at as much anymore and I don't really tweet much anymore. But there's a point where like so much crap was being shoveled in front of me that I just block people instead of muting them. I think it's like one fewer click or something.

You just really want to hurt Mario Lopez's feelings when he finds out. My guess is that he tweeted some sort of dumb like politics shit or or. He's growing into a chud because he's always been a soulless placeholder for like where a person should be. Actually, you know what? I'm looking at his tweets now and they're all just like stolen memes. And so I think that's why I blocked them. Yeah. So we can't steal any of my tweets.

It's not a human being. He doesn't have thoughts. You got those spicy memes. That's that's what they say about you, Dan McQuade. Yeah. Yeah. I do have a tweet with like 50 people. My think that's real. I'm I'm fucking around. I do have a tweet with that has 50,000 retweets. It's very old.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, it was about... What was it about? It was when Linda McMahon was installed as head of the Small Business Administration or whatever job she had. There was like a photo of her and the entire McMahon and Hunter Hurst Helmsley Stephanie families. And I saw the photo, which was like, you know, an official White House photo or whatever.

And I post it, like Steve Austin has hit this stone cold stunner on like 54% of the people in this photo, including the president. And it went like super viral. That's like factually accurate. Yeah, it is. Yeah. And the in fact, like AV Club did a story like fact checking me, I believe. That's awesome. And you were right.

Yeah, I was right. And some some there's like an account like at 90s WWE that just like steals it once a month But they have me blocked so I cannot report it. It's actually a pretty like like I'm like I get that point I'm like, all right, like I definitely have complained about it in a story before but now that I'm saying it out loud I'm like, no, you know what they they they outsmarted me. That's fine Happened to me with my most popular tweet too. Cracked, the literally media, the company owned cracked, fired me and everybody else in the story at that site. But they run the the I can has cheeseburger network, the the corpse of that network that still shambles on.

And after they fired me, I was more active on Twitter. I made a tweet about the the Royal Hiddleston burpee, the man who invented the burpee. And they, uh, they stole that tweet for their network. And they just reposted it every once in a while. Oh, that's like an article. Hey, here's an article fleshing out a tweet. Not really fleshing out. They didn't add any information to it.

They just screencapped like all the responses to it. And we're like, wow. That's a good article. Thanks. That's what my employer any information to it. They just screencapped all the responses to it. And we're like, wow. Oh, that's a good article. Thanks. That's a good article. That's what my employer fired me to do. That is an incredible guy, though. Let's get away from the tragedy of the media involved in that.

But that dude kind of looks like the letter R. Like he just sort of rebuilt himself into this Pokemon monster. He is. You're right. He just sort of rebuilt himself into this this Pokemon monster. He is. You know, it's true. He's like, he could hold some kind of devastating scream. Like if he had a superpower, it would be he would suck in all of the air and then like Sonic blast would come out of him.

Yeah. He's like a weird frame from a Popeye cartoon. I have to look up with this guy. Oh yeah. He is like a weird pop boy. He's like all it's like if all rib cage, baby. If Popeye like pulled his pants up and is like tummy hit him in the chin, he's like two frames right after that.

I Google his name and your tweet came out came up on cheeseburgers failblog, which has fun fails. Amazing. Yeah, funny fucking fails. That's a really funny fail that you're. No, you'll give a shit. That's a real epic bacon. Brockway kind of looks like a Rob Leefield character.

He does. That was that was one of the things in the reply. Oh, oh, oh. Now I feel. Well, well, I mean, the real human made that joke and then they stole it to monetize it. So that's fine. You're fine. Oh, I like your a real human made that joke and then they stole it to monetize it. So that's fine. You're fine.

Oh, I like your follow up about the burpee NFT. That's that's good. Thank you. I like reading your tweets on a different website. There are a lot of like Instagram accounts where like it'll just be like. I like screenshots of tweets and it's like,, oh man, I'm trying to get away from that website. Like can I just see some kittens or?

I've started running it backwards and like grabbing my screen caps of things I do everywhere except Twitter and posting them on Twitter, which is not funny to anybody else except for me, but I'm still doing it. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Yeah, for the record, I enjoy it.

I don't comment on it because I don't use Twitter much. But when I see it, I'm like, oh, that's, I don't see your comments because I don't stay. I just post a thing and then I close. Instead of just plugging our tweets that have appeared on other websites, Dan, what would you like to plug? So I am the visual editor at the Factor Media and I feel like the last couple of times I was on here, I did not plug anything. So I have a couple of things to plug. I feel like the last couple of times I was on here, I did not plug anything. So I have a couple of things to plug. I wrote a story in November about, there's these famous, at least famous here in Philadelphia jackets or photos of Princess Diana

wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jacket. She wore them on like two, wore it on two separate occasions in 1991, she wore it to pick up her kids from school or whatever. And then she wore it to pick up her kids from school or whatever. And then she wore it on some trip to like some amusement park type thing in 1994. And she was actually on the cover of People wearing an Eagles jacket. And Mitchell and Ness made like a replica of it. And it like sold out instantly. And it was, was you know like a big there were like fights over it at the Eagles pro shop or whatever

But there's always been a story will not will not always since 1997 this guy who worked for the Eagles had always told the story that he met Princess die at Princess Grace's funeral now a real Great Philadelphia story is that like a woman from here here was so hot and talented that this city now has a permanent connection to European royalty. Because Grace Kelly from Philadelphia married Prince Rainier and became Princess Grace, and then she died in a car crash.

And this guy, Jack Edelstein, who worked for the Eagles, really was at her, at Grace Kelly's funeral. Because the Eagles brass at the time lived in the same neighborhood where the Kelly family lived. The Kelly family is a famous Philadelphia family, like old time family here. So he always tells her that he started, after she died, he told this story to the newspaper that like, oh, he met her at the funeral. And she said her favorite colors were green and silver. And so he and the Eagles owner at the time

sent her a custom-made jacket. And that is why she wore it. And I was just going to write about how there were, like I kind of knew that there were going to be fights over this jacket. So I was going to just try to write about that. And then I saw a guy on TV, a guy Casey Pitticelli, and I really know how to say his name. He runs like a vintage like sports clothing shop. And that's like been very hot for a while. Like, you know, like wearing a starter jacket from the 90s,

you know, can be like $400 if you actually want one. And so he had gotten this jacket and on the like TV segment, like the morning TV segment he was on, he's like, well, you know, they say it's custom, but like there's a maker like, you know, like tag on this jacket. And if you look at the photos of Princess Di, there's there's a maker tag on that jacket as well. And so I was like, huh, wonder if this guy just made it up. And then I thought about it and I was like, oh, he definitely made it up. And so I investigate it and it turns out he did.

And so this story that had been like going around Philadelphia, like part of the lore for, you know, since Princess Di died is not true. But I was able to actually find out the, I just like Googled like England, like Tabloid newspaper archive. And I found a story from a UK tabloid at the time that was like,

Princess Di went to Harrods herself and bought the jacket. So this is not a very exciting scoop, like in one hand, but on the other hand, I did debunk. On the other hand, you killed the Philadelphia Bigfoot. Yeah, yeah. This is a long-held myth that you destroyed. And it's like, the article is like 3,000 words. It goes all over the place, but I think it's a pretty entertaining article.

I also have a thing that should be running Friday. Now, one time I was on here and I said some article I was going to do, and then I just didn't finish it. I have an interview with one of the guys from it on Monday, and I'm gonna try to do it like in a bit but uh, but I uh interviewed uh Earlier today, uh when we're recording this a man named James P wisdom and he was like a very early reviewer for uh pitchfork the music website that this week was folded into GQ. Who knows what's sort of going to happen with it. And his only good things, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure. I mean, like if media, like anytime one thing is folded

into another, you just know that. Yeah, like he's going to be on our podcast soon. That's all I'm going to say about it. And he has written some very notorious reviews, some of them really bad, which he says as well. But he's like never, there's some early pitchfork reviews like, you know, trying to be funny and is bad or just like, is real negative about an album that's now legendary. And like, I kind of like think that's, that's cool. And like, you know, I'm kind of, you know, like I read, so like, I read this dude's review of a Moby album in like 1997 when I was in high school. And I bought this Moby album based on his like two paragraph review. And like, it made me realize that like, I like electronic music. That's kind of like the thing that I like above. So like,

this random guy who's famous for writing terrible reviews, like, guided my musical taste more than anyone else in my life. So I just thought to him about like the end of Pitchfork and like, what it's like being a like notorious reviewer in some ways. A lot of his reviews have been like scrubbed from the site. They got rid of a lot of early reviews when they, you know, they eventually did sort of like meandering pompous, you know, like 700 to 2000 word reviews on albums. Previously they did like short pompous, like, you know, two paragraph reviews of albums. So a lot of those early ones are gone. But I think it's going to be a, obviously, if I finish it, it'll be a fun story, I hope.

Today we are talking about a 1987 episode of Golden Girls because all that final destination motif from earlier, that was a trick. If you fell for it, death is now hunting you. I thought I like maybe got up to go to the bathroom or something and missed the part where three panes of glass perfectly segmented Rue McClanahan. God, that would be quite a surprise. I guess all these wonderful actresses are passed away now. But only after long lives and successful careers. So none of them were massacred by a personification of death.

Yeah, no long truck accidents. I did clip the theme song just so we could start with that, just to kind of set the tone. It's a hauntingly beautiful, barely related to the show as was the style of the time. Thank you for being a friend. It's about friends, Sean. Travel down a road. This is so beautiful. Your heart is true. Your repel and a car. All-timer.

And if you threw a party. I just want people to hear it in case they're like, you know, younger than 40 and have no idea what the show is. You would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, thank you for being brave. B. Arthur actually sang that. She is a gifted singer. She sang in the, of course, the Star Wars Holiday Special.

And this. And this. All right. Just like some high level stuff, we should go over the characters for people who've never seen the show. I want to be respectful to our younger viewers and people who did know the TV. So there's Dorothy and she's a sarcastic wisecracker. Her mother is Sophia and she's a pistol.

There's Blanche Devereux who fucks and Rose, who is a dumb shit. So if the male listeners, Dorothy is the bankman. Sophia is a Murdoch. Blanche is the quagmire, and Rose is the Johnny Drama. We need a BA, we need a BA Barakas in there. That's what's missing. When you break it down, I realized it. Wait, no, that was Don Cheadle.

That was Don Cheadle's role. Yeah, done. It was to just wipe ass. Don Cheadle was really grouchy in the spin-off, Golden Palace. So we're doing an episode written by Christopher Lloyd, not the actor, but the writer who would go on to be the showrunner for Modern Family. So a lot of pedigree in this episode. And it opens with a, I want to say this is a timeless bit, like this is just a rapid fire

series of jokes as hilarious today as they were in 1987. I, I, I clipped this. I want to just, I want to just have everyone enjoy this. This is how sitcoms transition. Oh, I love this. This, like, takes me back. Hi, Sophia. Hi, girl.

Well, you're all dressed up. Where you going? The president is in town, so a bunch of us are going to his hotel to see his wife. I just loved her and father knows best. Oh, Sophia, you're a little confused, honey. That was Jane Wyatt. The president was married to Jane Wyman.

That old crow from Falcon Christ? Oh, God. She's got it. The president was married to Jane Wyman. That old crow from Falcon Christ? Oh, got her. Just got her. Doesn't matter. They're not married anymore. Now he's married to Nancy Davis. From all about Eve?

That's Betty Davis. Then one who beat her kids with wire hangers? Shh. I'm fucking out. No, that was Joan Crawford. The fat cop from Highway Patrol? You got him. That was Braderick Crawford.

The president was married to Broderick Crawford? And Mondale still lost? What an idiot. Oh. In... in... crap. That is exactly what Dennis Miller will tell his grandchildren with his final breath, like word for word. I'm so glad we work in the field of comedy, which will last forever. Everybody will love our comedy.

Generations. Yeah. No, some of the things I wrote sound about the same 20 years later, but. Yeah. I don't think you can just go see the president. Like he was shot like six years earlier or whatever. Yeah, but it's his wife and they don't give a shit. Like you can even walk up and slap her in the back of the head.

And I have and who hasn't it's good luck she cost me a childhood of cocaine Okay, so it's Satan what happens What happens next blanche comes in in a sexy dress and Sophia calls her a whore. That's literally exactly what happens. Can we explore that quote real quick? I'm not going to do this for every quote, I promise. But this is the opening moments of this show. It's that sequence of jokes that you just played. And then Blanche comes in in a dress, a perfectly reasonable dress, I should say.

It's not low cleavage, a perfectly reasonable dress, I should say. It's not low cleavage, it's knee length, those big shoulder pads. She says, how's this dress look on me? And Sophia says, what's the difference? In half an hour, it'll be crumpled on the floor next to an empty bottle of Jack Daniels, which is just disproportionately savage.

Yeah, it's an old entire joke, but with an added, like, alcohol abuse element. Like, just, yeah, a whole bottle. Like, why, yeah, give her a black eye. Why not, Sophia, you fucking bitch? Right, like, you could, there's tastefully implying, like, you sleep around and then there's, die in a gutterter you alcoholic whore.

Yeah. And that's like your first joke of the episode outside of Broderick Crawford. Blanche kind of enjoys the joke. She's like, oh, yes. Like, she's yeah. Yeah. She loves it. She's sex positive and abuse positive.

But that interaction is like how she enters every scene for the next six years. She'll just walk in kind of in a, like a going out outfit, not like a sexy outfit. But, and then Sophia just says, yeah, you're gonna die, whore. Yeah, you fuck. Okay.

So now Sophia leaves to meet the Nancy Reagan fan club. She just formed at this very moment. Okay, so now Sophia leaves to meet the Nancy Reagan fan club. She just formed at this very moment. And then Blanche needs the earrings that Rose borrowed. Now I'm only telling you this because that's the A plot of the episode and we will be calling back to that often. There's some confusion, Rose, like I put those earrings back and Blanche is like,

no, you lost them. I'm of course summarizing, but this conversation spanned four jokeless pages you lost them. I'm of course summarizing, but this conversation spanned four jokeless pages of the script. I'm not kidding. There was a fascinating thing that happened in this in that she says very specifically, my silver earrings early on. And then as she's trying to guilt trip, Dorothy, she says,

those the earrings were fashioned out of the bullets that killed great grand daddy in the civil war. So he was a racist werewolf. That's true. That's true. He must be. God, what a fucking, what a layered appeal back. Here are my notes.

Blanche, she enters a different room, but Sophia's not there. So no one calls her a tramp. Instead we see a 14 year old Mario Lopez who tells her she's very pretty. Um, she says, you should see me if I had earrings, which calls back to the previous 45 minute conversation that he didn't hear. So the show, the show, it only took zero seconds for this show to just fucking drive right off a cliff. No one knows what's happening here.

If an old woman said this to me, I would just assume she was on her way to die after eating a can of hairspray. Like this is fucking madness. Anyway, Mario Lopez, who is kind of an unknown actor, he was on Kids Incorporated, if you remember that show. He was like a principal extra on that. Not one of the main kids, he was a drummer.

And yet he gets the Jackie Chan treatment here and they just call him Mario. Yeah. I feel like that's an honor you have to earn is what I've always assumed. Like if you just play yourself in every movie to the point where they just call you Jackie, you earned that. Nobody knows who Mario is.

I don't know if it's an honor. Maybe it swings both ways. Like this is just he wouldn't answer it anything else. Yeah, to me, it makes me think like we couldn't come up with a like Latin name. So we just went with the name of the actor. Yeah, this is like where they did. And it was just too much.

Eighty seven. Your your name is and they're like, right. This is like they did and it was just too much 87 Your name is and they're like, oh, that's it sounds racist when you ladies say that So Mario's being tutored by Dorothy We haven't discussed how he looks brockway. How would you describe a 14 year old mario lopez? Uh, I would say he is a very a very handsome child with like a kind of a curly mullet And he's dressed very fashionably for the time. And if you look into his eyes, you will lose all sense of time and whether into a husk and blow away on the wind.

That's what I thought you were going to say. What a misdirect. So I did, I called Rue McClanahan an old woman earlier, but she was 53 when they filmed this episode. 53. And I'm 53. I'm gonna be that in six years. And I mean.

That's crazy. What is she doing fucking retired in Florida, living in. Yes. I have a long career ahead of me still. There's still 10 girls from my high school that post bikini pictures on Facebook. And to be clear, I know this because Facebook is the horniest, most desperate website on the internet.

And if you've ever had a swimsuit on for any reason in the last year, Facebook will put that on my feet above my closest friend's new baby. So I don't know. I don't know. It is where it did do so. It is where, congratulations. I guess my point is they're still looking good.

They did make everyone in this show look older. Like Sophia is actually around the same age as the other actresses. And they had to like like make her look significantly older in order to play the the mother. They were all they were all like in their, I want to say, early 60s, all the rest of them except for except for Blanche, which is still crazy. That's still a crazy age to be like, we've all retired. I'm going to work until I die.

Like my retirement plan is a bullet. If I'm lucky, what are they doing? What are you doing? Where you relate to that? Just quit working at 50. So my wife and I have been watching most of this show. As you, if you listen to the Baywatch episode, you know that we watch terrible, terrible, whole TV.

This one's very good compared to the stuff that we usually watch. There are some jokes that are good, even in this year episode. I'm talking shit about this so far, but Golden Girls is a pretty solid show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's one of those shows where something will

happen in an episode like dramatic and then everything's back to normal in the in the next episode. So three, three of the husbands are dead. Dorothy's divorced. And her husband's stay in comes back occasionally for like schemes. He's like, he always has like a get rich quick scheme when he shows up. I would say once or twice a season, he guest stars and there's some sort of like weird plot around everyone getting rich. They definitely have a lot of plots that are very similar in like strange ways. There's also there were like two spinoffs of this show. I did look up some. I'm sort of getting out of the episode here,

but whatever it's me. 20.8 million people watch this episode. I'm fairly sure that fucking crazy that, uh, so the, the highest rated show in, uh, the most recent season, the 2022, 2023 season was Sunday night football. That's on, uh, NBC. And that gets 18.1 million people. Golden girls was like six in the ratings this week with 20 million people. Um, the, the, like what's, what's interesting is Monday Night Football, which was the one on broadcast TV then, was only 16.1 million.

So like, that's the only show that has gone up in ratings in the 30 plus years since this has happened. When I was watching this, my wife was like, was this always like a thing in the gay community, like being a fan of the show? And I looked it up and there was an article in The Stranger, the Seattle Hall Weekly. And apparently, yes, it said that at like gay bars in the 80s, they would play this at 9pm when it came on. It was a Saturday evening show, which to me seems like not a night when anyone watches TV. So 21 million people were home watching this, plus apparently everyone in the gay bars.

21 million people in gay bars across the country exclusively watching this episode. The audience for this show. Just getting down. Don't know if the three of us are going to figure out why, but I don't quite get why. It's not like a. It's fine. I don't know. They are all sort of in drag, like not like in like a different way. Yeah. Like and they're all just like a very broad character. Yeah, OK. I guess that makes sense.

It is a kind of like a broad show in a lot of ways where three characters will come on scene and they'll all be dressed in bright primary colors. It's like a good bar show because you can kind of look at it and you're like, I think I get what's going on. That shape is calling that shape a whore. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Then you can get back to your night.

Die whore always gets a laugh. The gay bars. Yeah, they're really. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I think I've come around on the die. Horde, I was too harsh. I haven't my notes that be Arthur is kind of a genius. Like it's really hard to give her a bad line. Like a lot of the lines to give her a bad, but she kind of crushes all of them.

Yeah, everybody's really good. I won't agree that this is a universally well-written show, because a lot of times they'll just have a setup to a joke, and then the punchline, and it will have nothing to do with one another, and then just kind of leave the room. Like, well, forget about that one. Like, here's an example, like Mario Lopez just sticking up the place with his child acting, and he's like whining, why do I have to learn algebra and be Arthur immediately snaps back because I had to learn how to teach it and that is some shit you'd find on a t-shirt under a sign that says like gift ideas

for substitute teachers and she still nails it so I want the record to show that be Arthur was great Mario on the other hand sucks he's all whiny and smug and he's like, he's playing too big for the Golden Girls, which I think we can agree is how you signal rescue planes that you're a sitcom. I guess we've established that from our gay bar discussion. God, we're solving a lot of problems today. Where are we at here?

So B reads a paper written by Mario Lopez and it sucks. And I guess this is like a mediocre writer trying to bad write badly and he nails it. But the papers about how America feels like you're always among friends and Mario Lopez came up with this when he was he went to the movies is like, oh, wow, this is nice. Everyone's friends in America and I'm summarizing it by maybe 20%. It's basically that. I think that's a Fival song. Everyone's Friends in America.

Everyone's Friends in America, at least at the showing of Commando. She also reads the essay aloud and she reads it in the third person. It seems like he wrote the essay about himself but used third person pronouns. It seems very, very strange. Yeah, because he's not a person.

That's how that checks out. That one scans. Yes. The the insects inside that husk, he would refer to his body as a thing. Right. It's a kind of darkly foreshadows the splintering of our nation around the exact topic of people like him coming into our country blowing the goddamn doors of our passenger jets.

Just wanted to pull the line from today's headlines. I don't know if you guys are familiar with that, but there's that Alaska Airlines playing that the door blew off and the right wing media has been trying to make that the fault of woke. And I've been really enjoying it. I just every day they find a new way to some that's some like DEI initiative. Yeah, I kind of feel like woke is like now out because they've

moved on to DEI and I feel like they got that's just not as good. Like you got to explain what DEI is to someone and right. They're on a new issue that they're like being like like overly angry about or racist about by the time you've explained this. I feel like like maybe everyone has made fun of like wokeness being a thing you know like like you gotta change the language. They gotta come up with something new but they gotta try like something else. I mean actually no they I mean, actually, no, they don't. I'm happy for them to continue using D.I.

Because I think they say D.I. Because if they said what they wanted, even if they just said like diversity, that sounds really bad, but that's what they mean. So maybe that's why they say D.I. Does stand for diversity. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the D. Wait, I don't want to get too off track, but but how was

How was the plane door the fault of what they replace a perfectly good white door with a door of color? I believe it started because the pilot was a woman But if you watch the tape the woman's like oh shit, we just lost a door chick at how cool I am We're gonna land this fucking plane anyway Like she's just like all business lands the plane but somehow somehow her being a woman implied that like that plane is like skipping the white supremacy of hiring only white pilots and I don't know. And that's that leads to issues like doors blowing off. You get it. The first time I saw it was when someone I have, I have him blocked on Twitter too, Elon Musk, but someone, you know, people continue to like screenshot his tweets and share them in my feed.

Cause sure. Yeah. And he was replying to a guy who was retweeting a like legit white supremacist who had said that like, oh, Boeing has a DEI initiative. And so this guy said that, you know, the average SAT score of, let's say, the military academies, I'm not positive this is right, but like, is this. And the average SAT score of a historically black college is this. So like, this is why the pilot, like, this is why DEI is bad. And then Elon Musk replied Musk replied like DEI is going to kill someone

when will we learn and You know, there's there's like a lot of things like weird about that like besides that. It's just like terrible like Do you think that it like do you think it's the average SAT score that becomes the pilot? I like but also like It's an SAT score. That's not a thing. There are famous groups of, there is at least one, I think several famous squadrons of black pilots in wars, the Tuskegee Airmen, other things. And also, I believe that there's a famous thing where they had to change every pilot couldn't just be a military guy because they wouldn't listen to air traffic control and they would crash the plane.

And they had to diversify the types of people who were pilots. Do you remember in Free Economics, did you read that book? Yeah. Most of that book has been pretty wildly debunked, but there's a whole chapter on how Korean pilots crash planes more often because the culture refuses to question their superiors. I don't know. What is up?

Once you get in the sky, I guess, all the rules about races are out the window. You're like, all right, in the skies with skyline white supremacy everywhere. I don't know. I don't know. I remember about that book. Is it like it's shared that like urban legend, like the racist urban legend. That's like, oh, a black couple named their kid like, hey, Molley,

because they didn't know that it was like a female. And like it shared it is real. And it's like, like man like everybody tells that knows it's a joke I think but not but I guess not I thought so but not freaking I'm excited anyway this this episode is the numbers is not bad like any of that stuff I did this I'm sorry let's get back let's get back to the golden girls which is I guess what we're it's I named both my daughters from Moll. And it's funny every time it is. Oh man, they're never going to get a job.

Dorothy wants to submit Mario's terrible essay about the time he enjoyed a movie and must took it for America's acceptance. She wants to submit that to some kind of contest. And then, then we mostly talk about earrings. I wrote down, shut up about the earrings. I think, I think this might be an issue of like a man writing as a woman, like if we went back and looked, I've been a lot of Golden Girls episodes,

the A-plot would have been like, these ladies just arguing about jewelry or pantyhose or whatever. Like guys, what do women talk about when we're not around? Earrings, good, what else? Earrings, nope, we already have that. Earrings, sure, I'll add it to the list.

All right, let's see what we have. This does relate to human slavery. Earrings. Yes, it's true. So, I mean, it's not all Earrings. It goes some places. So, yeah, the Earrings talks goes on. Brockmore mentioned that these are family heirlooms forged by a great grandmother from the Civil War bullets that killed a great grandfather who's obviously a werewolf or mistaken for a werewolf. They hit the laugh track button a lot during the story, but I assume that's just a mistake

because no one wrote jokes. So, and then Rose feels bad. She's like, oh, I lost these very important earrings. I will be your Veden Fruggen. I have a clip of this and this clip, I think precisely sums up how I remember this show. For one week, I am going to be your personal vegan frugan. And one woman do that for another?

Only if they're the same height. Standing 69. What the hell is a vegan frugan? Vegan frugan. It's a personal servant. It's the only way to make up for something like this. We've done it in my family for years. Ever since Uncle Ben lost Lars Olson's artificial leg,

it was the day of the Big Four County toboggan race. And without his leg, Lars came in dead last. Oh, that was a day to remember. I think every American remembers where he was. came in dead last. Oh, that was a data remember. I think every American remembers where he was. The day Lars lost that toboggan. Who was that a 9-11 joke? That's precious.

That's telepathic. Cause that's a 9-11 joke. So, okay. So in sitcom language, Rose is a Joey and a bulky. So she'll reference just weird foreign nonsense while being an idiot. And in most shows that'd be enough. Yeah. Yes.

Uh, so she's like, I'm going to be a Berg and Truman. And then like another character mistakes it for a sex thing. Yeah, we heard, we heard that. Uh, and golden girls does that, but only because Blanche's one personality trait is her gaping holes, But the show goes further and they give, they give like a whole story about this dumb thing, which was maybe a joke, but maybe something only joke like,

but anyway, this is the show I remember. Like the structure is I'm foreign, I'm interrupting because I'm horny, I'm interrupting because you're stupid. I continue being foreign as if neither of you said anything. My reaction to that is fuck you, you subhuman idiot. And then that's the scene. So if anyone's ever doing a Golden Girls parody,

that's the structure. There is like a stage show now where people do Golden Girls. I saw it advertised during RuPaul. It looks really bad. You said about how like the, you know, like, like, B Arthur's lines really work, even though like they were kind of hacky. And I think that that's why they do this. St Olaf is first he's from in Minnesota, which is foreign. And like, there's just so many things where it's just the character that the actors just

sort of like reacting exasperated to the weird things she says. And they're all good enough actors that it kind of works in like a weird, in a weird way that it shouldn't. I love the same old. I agree completely on paper. That's my favorite part. You say, what was your favorite part? I'm the same.

All the same old. I love that. Yeah. I love the weird absurdism the very simple like I love It's almost subversive taking like though. Oh those wacky foreigners and then making them just from like somewhere in Minnesota I think that's right a good meta joke on that on that stereotype well, okay, so B enters the next scene and she's just here to announce that Mario's essay one like it all it's all done. And they must have had some fucking terrible entries because that essay sucked.

I don't know what's going on. That's the boy with the adorable dimples and no soul wrote 140 words about movie theater and how it showed movies. We award him the junior Latin daytime Pulitzer. Hooray. So that's where we are in the story. They decide to throw him a surprise party, which seems like a lot, I guess, to find out your twice monthly after-school tutors. Got together with her three elderly friends to enter you into a contest, which you won,

and surprise, this is a party for it. Like, if that happened to me, I would immediately fight my way out of that obvious trap. That's a fucking... That's a piece of that happened to me, I would immediately fight my way out of that obvious trap. That's a fucking- That's a piece of a pizza basement trap, right there? Yes. That's, you know. Absolutely.

You know you gotta get out of there. So Rose tells a great surprise party story. Dan Brockway, do either of you remember the details of Rose's St. Olaf surprise party story? I don't have them exactly, but there were multiple deaths, right? There's at least one death. There's a lot of death. There's a lot of death. I do have a clip of it, so I want to see how close you can get to the details.

I have no memory of what this... I have like... I watched it like twice. I have extensive notes, but I do not have any... I think she's... Final Destination Style killed several men, all of them her husbands. You're close. What's the heck close you are?

I've only been to one surprise party in my life, but I'll never forget it. It was for Grandma Nyland's 100th birthday. She was from a wailing village in the old country, so we kind of made that the theme of the party. We all dressed as Vikings with helmets and spears. And we all crowded into her little room up over the barn, and she walked in and let a candle. And we all surprised, and she dropped dad right there. Yeah. Yeah. I was right. I guess I really liked the lap track after the she dropped dead right there.

Just hammered that button just like that. It's huge, huge laugh after that. Now I think we might have skipped a line here that I wanted to really dive into, which is after Dorothy explains what a what a Vedenfrugan is, Blanche says, if we had them in the old days, we wouldn't have had to fight that disruptive civil war. Yeah, that was the line I was talking about earlier. It's pretty fucked up.

I figured. I agree. We actually, the world needs slaves is what Blanche says. I'm starting to, I'm really regretting like calling out the die horror joke because I think that's, I think it's earned. They, like they, they did kind of have them in the old days.

That's kind of what the civil, like that is what the civil war was about. Mm-hmm. Yep. I found that I was looking up, I was trying to see like how bad Golden Girls was about race. And basically I started by googling if Blanche Devereux ever fucked a black dude, which I figure is where that show would have started.

I found an article called 10 times, can we get this right? 10 times the Golden Girls was tone deaf about race. 10 times the Golden Girls was tone deaf about race. And most of these were like offensive, but not in 1987. You'd probably like allow it. Like Sophia called Prince that little black guy Prince, which I was like, I don't like that, but there's one time they worry their Jamaican housekeeper is a witch and they do reference this episode,

but none of the Mario Lopez stuff. They only referenced that line that you guys mentioned. The author says, Earth to Blanche, we did have them in the old days. Millions of them. That disruptive civil war was all about. Veed and frugans. So he's really clapping back on Ruma Klann had 10 years after she died. Oh, one episode they did do a little light blackface. They were in facial masks that, yes, but it was coincidentally in the episode when Dorothy's son got engaged to a black woman. And then when Sophia walks in and sees them,

and she says, what is this? A revival of Raisin' in the Sun? So I don't think anyone would have written that joke today. But most of the rest of them were, I think the woke mob would allow. This feels like- There's one where they go to the Caribbean and there's some very stereotypical characters

who like wait on them. It's not, it's not- They did worry that their Jamaican housekeeper was a witch. Yeah, that's a, that's. I don't know, 1987, man. They didn't put a minority in a box and sink it in a lake. So I'm going to give them a pass. Yeah, it's, it feels like they're trying to tackle it in an ignorant way, I guess, by today's standards.

But I feel like this is probably pretty progressive by 1987 standards. Yes, I don't disagree. There's a story of of Mario winning the contest in the newspaper. And Dorothy's like, oh, I'm so embarrassed. There's a picture of me in there. And do you remember this? Did you guys have this in your notes? Yeah, they look at the photo and it's terrible.

But I don't understand how she could have surprised entered him in the contest if there's a photo of her or them in the newspaper. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking it too much. Lots of them to choose from. Yeah, she says, I always look ugly in photos and then they open the paper and she says, God, that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen. And then there's just like dead weird silence. Yeah, it's not a misdirect. So I guess Blanche's other personality trait

is she's just a full sociopath. That's kind of true, yeah, from watching the other episodes. Yeah, so now Mario comes in for the surprise party. And I have a clip. Right on his tail is an immigration naturalization agent. This is great. What a surprise.

But it's not my birthday. I know, honey. We're celebrating your winning that contest. Oh, wow. Thank you. We're so very, very proud of it. Never mentioned before. She just can't.

Yeah, never. It was just my thought. Never mentioned before. She just can't. Yeah, never. We're so proud of you. We're so proud of you. We're so proud of you. We're so proud of you. We're so proud of you. We're so proud of you.

We're so proud of you. We're so proud of you. Yes. Dorothy's borneck? Yes. My name is Bert Nesbitt. I'm looking for Mario Sanchez. The school said he might be here.

Yes. Is something wrong? I'm with the Imm and naturalization service. We have reason to believe that Mario is in this country illegally. Mario. No one says shit. No one does shit. Swelling. Oh,

it goes. Take us out on the INS coming to grab a child. I love it. That's really. It's kind of the same. It's like the same way they wrote the earrings plotline. Like what do, what do Latino kids do? They see the girl in the same. It's like the same way they wrote the earrings plot line like, what do what do Latino kids do?

They see the girl movies. Sure. They get deported. Yeah. Great. They get kicked out of the country. We've already got it. Oh, deportation.

All right. Let's go over what we have so far. I wrote down like I wrote down very sarcastically like the INS is just reading local flavor news stories every every person of color shown within wait I'm sorry that's exactly correct yeah checks out I can't believe how mean the episode is to him he gets to enjoy this surprise party for like less than 30 seconds before yeah shows up at his tutor's house? How? How does this work? Like the fugitive.

Crazy. This is the Tommy Lee Jones of INS agents. Just relentless. We had the film technology, like Bachelor Party had come out. They could have faded out, faded back in with like a mariachi band passed down on the floor, a donkey loose in the room, like show that they had a fucking wild party and then INS is there. And you know, because of how crazy your party got. Yeah, that's even better.

They, they, hey, we're, we hear about the noise complaint. Wait a second, you're that kid from the paper. You're here illegally. What, what do you mean? I also like that they name the INS agent. He's like, my name's Bert Nezbin. Who gives a shit? What?

Just like never. Yeah. Pardon me. This will never come up again. The other thing must have been a plot point that they cut where there's a girl at school he likes and they forgot and left in the like, I heard your whatever name was there. Like, what? Like, right.

It's called world building. You just, details to, I really believe that Florida exists based on, on all of the things I can't quite see, but that they reference. I heard your girlfriend did hand stuff with you cause you won an essay contest. She sure did tutor, tutor's friend,

tutor's elderly friend. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha back in and they're discussing how they ruined Mario's life, because they did. And then Blanche hijacks the conversation with just raw narcissism. It is this long, meandering story and the other characters actually say, what the fuck was the point of that story? But the point is, it's barely 20 seconds and they've already forgotten about Mario. The child, they got deported.

They do get a phone call to remind them. They tell the Arthur that Mario has run away. And so they're like, God, where would he go? And they're like, wait a second. We know two things about this character. He likes movies and gets deported. Mexico. He went back to back.

He ran away. Wait, no, the movement. Let's try the movie theater first. And sure enough, he's there. They find him in a 16 seat movie theater and just go in and have this thing that fucking pisses me off so bad when characters, they do this on Always Sunny where the characters go and have a loud conversation because they're terrible people, but they do it on every show where they'll just go into a movie theater and have a conversation.

I like that they call his tutor to tell, he's run away, he's in, I want to say act two of what they're implying is commando. So he's been gone a grand total of an hour. They're like, gotta let the tutor know he's been gone an hour. She's gotta bring him back so he can get deported. I'm worried he's not gonna get deported in time. He's, it's hard to say. It was like an amalgamation of all Arnold movies.

They mentioned he was oiled up in an alloying cloth. So time wise, that's Conan of the Stroyer, but I did hear machine guns. So I feel like they weren't trying too hard. Dorothy talks him into throwing himself on the mercy of the court. She's like, in the movie theater, she's like, dude, you gotta turn yourself in. And he agrees.

And next scene, the hearings already happened. It all happened off camera. It did not go well. He got fucking deported. I thought, I wrote down in this scene, she gives him this long speech about how you have to go back and face the music, you have to trust the system.

Remember you wrote, everyone in America is your friend, you need to trust that everyone in America is your friend. And he ends that scene going like, yeah, you're right, I'm gonna go trust the system, smash cut, he's fucking deported like what? That's the lesson everyone has to learn the hard way and the show didn't go like oh man like we were wrong to trust They were just like well that sucks. He did the right thing though. Yeah, she she like first accidentally gets him like potentially being

deported then she has a chance to, to like fix it when she sees him at the movie theater. And then she like intentionally gets him deported. And like it ends with like, the conversation goes, in America, you always feel like you're among friends. Like that's what you wrote. And he's like, that was just a story. And she's like, I think it was a true story.

Nope, it wasn't according to this episode. It was not. They could have just like a big red stamp on the end of that thing that just says deported. And then that's the end of the episode. She also says, there are legal ways to keep you in this country and I will find them myself. She has not done anything yet.

She hasn't like hired him an immigration lawyer. She hasn't like- Doesn't even know what paperwork to fill out. She literally almost says that. Yeah. And it's like, why, like what? Like they, there's an episode where like the, there's I don't know, dolphins are being endangered

by something and like all the, all the golden girls that go to a protest and do marches for it. And like they do nothing for this kid who they at first accidentally and then intentionally got kicked out of the country. Double, double deported. I just want to point out like he's not doing the 1987 fake for an accent. He's just perfect, flawless English, full slang of like a teenager. He has clearly lived here most, if not all of his life. And then when they get him deported. They're like well, he went home

I loved that I had that in my notes home Yeah, he says he does actually speak Spanish a couple times He says like audios teach, but he says it like I just did he doesn't like slip into an accent Yeah, he is he says it like I just did. He doesn't like slip into an accident. Yeah, he is American. Like, he maybe, yeah. He's just fully American. And there's a couple angry IMDB reviews about this episode. I like the one that opens.

This episode has bothered me for years, mainly because of the incorrect way immigration cases are presented and because of the incorrect way immigration cases are presented and because of the inaction on the part of Dorothy to actually help Mario And then like first it is unlikely Especially in Miami that a deportation hearing would be held the day after I and S pick someone up That is another point this show is in Miami a heavy immigrant city and it is I assume it filmed in California, you know,

but it is highly unlikely that the immigration judge would have ordered the boy to port it the next day. Most judges would give the person time to find a lawyer. So like, yeah, yeah, Dorothy does. You gotta let their after-school tutor figure out the paperwork to fill out. That's something a judge would normally do. They don't establish that he has any family.

Like who he is from sort of like an unnamed like Latin country. They don't they don't like like explain. And then, you know, like she has to leave and like, you know, or he has to leave. And she's like, then I'll do it myself and we'll get you back here. I promise. No, that was a lie. She never does anything with it again. Well, I mean, we show them forgetting about that in the next scene.

She says, I'll do everything I can. And then they sit down to have like a funny exchange about St. Olaf's again. Like, that's how we go out. We don't go out on like, oh, no. Yeah, they resolve the earrings plot. Some guy comes by to drop off all the jewelry that fell off Blanche when she was fucking him on his couch. And he doesn't even want to say hi.

He's like, hey, I fucked your roommate last week. Here's all the jewelry. Do you have any idea how loveless a hookup has to be where you stop by someone's house the next week and like, don't even ask her roommate to call her in. Just to say, I can't stay, but like nice to see you. Just to drop off.

Just he's all the shiny things that flew off or when I banged her like Sonic, the hedgehog hitting a spike. I got to go. I don't have five seconds to just, oh, so fucking funny. So, okay. So I guess where are we at here? I don't know. I guess when Mario gets deported and Dorothy's like, oh, well, that's too bad.

Oh, what's that? Rose is being stupid. Shut up, dummy. What were we talking about? I don't know. Almost certainly metaposma, right? Hot flashes, mine are more like a hot disco light show Okay

This is I wrote us a little golden girls play. I'm gonna paste our lines into the chat window Brockway You're a natural Dorothy Dan I know from the hit film mannequin that you and a still get he have been in the same mall So you're Sophia we have in real life. I'm a rose and a blanche. So I'll be playing. Rose and blanche. So let me get this all copied here. We're coming in on the hot flashes line.

Brockway, Dorothy. OK, it's Dorothy. Can you bring us in on that? Be Arthur. I had them reverse. I thought Dorothy was Betty White. Betty White's rose. Yeah. OK.

Yeah. I got a read. Your be Arthur. OK. White's Rose. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I got to read the arrow. Okay. Okay. Good. Yeah.

Hot flashes. Mine are more like a hot disco light show. Insane Olaf. The town didn't have a disco. We had to drape Christmas lights on a donkey and give it diarrhea. My uncle Jurgen was killed this way. We now celebrate Uncle Jurgen's death on Durkenspürgen, which means death by endless poop, but in donkey.

Fuck you, idiot! I'm at a Juergen last week. Well, I don't know if that was his name, but a Juergen did all three of my holes before he dropped dead. Dorothy, these two are driving me crazy. I want to die. Kill me with a knife. If killing you with a knife was that easy, dad would have done it the first time he made dinner. Ha, the only time that man went into a kitchen was to die with a floppy dick. Wonderful.

What a show. What a show. I think we could do our own Golden Girls stage show. Yeah. I'm telling you, right? I pitched it earlier and everything went dead silent. But I'm saying golden guys hasn't been done. Golden guys. Anyway, Mario Lopez never came back. Mario Lopez as Mario, the Golden Girls TV series 1987. One episode. Yeah, he got deported entirely because of Dorothy's meddling.

My guess is that the original script for this was way more sympathetic to him instead of like fake sympathetic to him and the network made them change it for fear of offending like Republicans. But I don't know. I don't know if that's true or not. We should call up the modern family showrunner and ask him. Yeah, you remember this fucking thing you did? Are you going to say I didn't need to look up whether or not

Mario Lopez was in another. I got the vibe from this episode like, oh, no, she didn't do any. That's this is complete storytelling. You told me with the end of this episode, she immediately forgot about that and was just like, no, I'm not going to do any of that. I just wanted wanted him to think I was nice. And I think it very much was a true story. I think Dorothy was right.

I mean, it's okay. And in this one instance, it is a net good because it got rid of Mario Lopez. But as a general precedent, I don't think this was something to follow. You normally need to like, tent an entire building to get rid of a Mario Lopez. Yeah, if he lays eggs, I mean, you can't you got to just burn like a whole town down. There's

no telling like who those eggs have crawled into and which Mario which will become Mario Lopez afterwards. Like it's it's salty earth. I don't think it's that hard. I just hit the Hit the block button on Twitter The The Supremes were city smart kids grifting their way off the street until they were framed for a crime they didn't commit. 1,900 hot dog mounted an appeal to put them back on the street, this time in business casual as a private mercenary force. Together they are hot dog and Supremes. Starring Aaron Crossden, Adrian H, Aiden Moat, Alpha Scientist Javo, UnAndy, Armando Nava, with special guest star Badger as Bone, Boney Sam Sapson, Benjamin Zyrannan, Bim Talzer, Brandon Garlock, Burrito,

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