The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 162, Deadliest Warrior Spartan Vs. Ninja With Eddie Doty

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

Seanbaby programs Brockway and guest Eddie Doty into the virtual cyberarena and forces them to battle the episode of Deadliest Warrior where a Spartan fought a Ninja. There were no victors!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. Welcome to the Dock Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900HotDog.com, the final comedy website. We bring broken artifacts to you every weekday from an all-star cast of hilarity technicians, including Denarte, Lydia Bug, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swame, and many more. We have survived four years in this media hellscape and are still growing thanks to listeners like you who go to patreon.com slash 1900 hotdog and subscribe. Patrons get access to bonus podcasts every week along with

five well-researched and joke-dense articles every weekday. And most importantly, they'll be helping to hold back the relentless army of content robots working to dismantle joy as the internet knows it's speaking of. I'm the world's web's Sean Baby from the internet and my co-host is a writer computer whiz and karate black belt Robert Brockway your sales pitch is getting so good. I'm looking it up right now. I'm gonna subscribe. This is the time I'm finally gonna do it. I'm gonna pull the trigger. I'm gonna access your hundreds of hours of bonus podcast content Just because it is far outside my comfort zone, but I'm a pro. It's getting really good.

It's getting there. It's definitely getting there. I'm Robert Brockway. Here's a Brockway fact. I invented the idea for Deadliest Warrior when I was nine years old and I am pursuing legal action for follow up questions. See my fucking lawyer, Spike TV. I have no follow up questions.

I think we all did fucking lawyer, Spike TV. I have no follow up questions. I think we all did. No, we are joined. It was only me. We are joined by a returning guest. He's an editor, producer, computer whiz, and karate black belt. Any dody. I feel like I needed like a fast typing sound effect,

but I'm actually afraid to like, yeah, exactly. Actually, my report date that I met, me. But yeah, that is indeed me. Brockway, I feel like it's a class action lawsuit because I feel like, as Sean said, half the population kind of came up with this idea. My God, how is this possible? They'd be right. It's it's it's You know, sometimes there's just moments culturally Where every four-year-old on the planet has the same idea and I think that's what and this is what the makers did and grow it by

12 I would say Disagree by lunch. I'll grow it by by recess. I'm still living it We're talking about deadliest word today, but before we do, Eddie, you're always working on something fun. Do you have anything, anything you want to plug here at the top of the show? I am not working on anything fun now because I was part of the layoffs at Amazon Games, but yes. But no, I'm I'm I'm talking to some folks. So with any luck by the time this comes out, I'll have something cool.

But you can definitely follow me on socials at curby dot matrix on that stupid Twitter site. And I should probably start posting blue sky. And I'll probably have like an updated real pretty soon of like the cool stuff I did. The most recent cool thing I did was a show of mine called Pit Crew where Demetrius, my mouse Johnson and Kenny Omega squared off in Street Fighter Six, which was a lot of fun. That's online on YouTube.

If you want to go look at it. Man, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry to hear. I'm going to blame the robots. The robots on this one. Yes, you shouldn't. It's their fault. They're literal fault.

I'm sorry to hear the robots got you. We are doing our best to fight those fucking robots. I guess we know the answer who would win deadliest warrior talented artists or robots. We've mentioned this on the podcast before, but Eddie and I did a pitch a show together called Man vs. Monster that was a lot of ways, a reaction to deadliest warrior. I think we tried to fix a lot of the problems

we had with deadliest warrior, but in a lot of ways like we just love deadliest warrior. We're like, what if we just did a different spin on it? But yeah, it didn't get picked up. Probably because of deadliest warrior. I think a spike that said, guys, we already have deadliest warrior. We don't need this fucking show.

It's fair, a fair note. That was, Sean and I pitched every network in town, like with the company I was with at the time. Like we literally, we had meetings at MTV, Spike, all the other ones. And the answer was always the same, like our ad sales team does not know what the fuck to do with this. And in Spike's case, it's like literally every ad dollar that would go to this would be taken away from deadly swir. Because if you have one deadliest warrior, you don't need to, which fundamentally I disagree with. But I at least understand understand I have a proposal.

It was actually, Sean, if you remember, it was actually this and a show called Jurassic Fight Club that I think we're like, oh, that was my proposal. Yeah. Because Jurassic Fight Club was like, what if these two dinosaurs that lived millions of years apart could fight each other? And then Deadliest Warrior was like, what if a ninja fought a different ninja? And we're like, well, what if you had the monsters who were never real? Oops, all Robocops.

Oh, that's a good show. Greenlit. Telling you. But yeah, our show. Nowadays, you stand a chance. We added a lot of elements where we had like more of a discussion of like, you know, how you would actually defeat a monster, which they have deadly in Deadliest Warrior. And then I guess we have a lot more theoretical stuff as if like you're preparing for a movie rather than like a sort of a pathetic nerd fight, which is a lot of what Deadliest Warriors episodes are.

A lot, a lot. Yeah, so I'm saying we lean into the nerd stuff, so it's like just maximum nerd, like it's comic book nerds arguing, but then we end with a lot of like Jackass style stunts. I thought it was a really fun idea for a show. And I, you know, it's all the shows I've been attached to was the only one I ever wanted to get picked up. Yeah. Because it would have been very fun to make. Right. Yeah. Absolutely.

The process was very much like do some actual research. We're going to have performance capture in it. I had a meeting with Tim Miller at Blur Studios before Tim directed Deadpool. He, a friend of mine named Trey Stokes introduced me to Tim. And Tim said, yeah, if you guys want to use our stage for PCAP, you can come by whenever. It was a very interesting, it was a little bit ahead of its time, also a little bit like past its time at the same time.

But the actual process of making show, making the show would have been the funnest time I think I ever was ever had. Yeah, for sure. One important detail. Did Sean, would Sean be dressing up as the monster? No, no, no. Oh, no. Sean was red lit. We were training Sean to fight the monster. No, no, no. Oh, no. Sean was red lit. We were training to fight the the stuff that was going to be a rotating cast of stunt

people. We actually talked to a few stunt folks in like various prosthetics, you know, so like if it was a werewolf, we had like a stunt person who could like run on all fours. There's like that's like an actual skill that like some stunt people have to like have on their resume can run proficiently on all fours. And so like, these were all things that we were going to like have to do if it was going to be a zombie or a dragon. I was going to kick every single one of those legs in half. Yep. in class or nothing. I like that. That's a reversal. No, I was just the human dude. I was the audience surrogate and I would be fighting the monsters using, you know, human

skills. You're saying traps and snares like predator traps and snares. I love today because this is probably the five or six hundredth hour. Eddie and I have discussed Deadliest Warrior and I love having a podcast because you can you can curate the exact conversation you want to have. So 2009, Spike TV's Deadliest Warrior. That's what we're talking about. Specifically, we all watched season one episode three, which I also think was their pilot. This was Spartan versus Ninja. And it's just the fucking best. Like what a perfect show.

This was... And I know Brockway has a different take. My take is that this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen. Yeah, I miss this first. So this is news to me. This was not my vibe at the time. It's a, I will say this, it's a beautiful time capsule of the end, I would say this is the tail end of this era.

They had a couple more years of this being pop culture and by God, they were proving that they deserved their fall. This is- I feel like this is timeless. Like I feel like if you cut the budget in 10th and in a 10th and put this on YouTube, like this is a beloved show on ironic, but I have the intro here.

Let me play it, just get people hype. Oh, shit, I hit the wrong button. That's a good bit, but there's like the greater than zero chance that you actually did hit the wrong button. Hahaha! Okay, I'll hit the right button. But you're right. The Spartan. The battlefield butcher from ancient Greece.

A ninja. A legendary master of death from Japan. We've seen butcher from ancient Greece. A ninja. A legendary master of death from Japan. Is......deadmist! To find out, our world class fighters are testing history's most lethal weapons. Using 21st century science, we'll see what happens when the two warriors go toe to toe. No rules, no safety, no mercy. It's a duet to the death to decide who is the deadliest warrior.

Smash! I love it. Crash! Bang! Do it! Do it! Go! Warrior Smash I love it crash so much do it do it go explosion favorite part My favorite part of the whole series is that for the narrator the heart of voice actor and can be like can you see David? When I'm from 300 just do that voice for like the entire series like cuz 300 had David when I'm like narrate the movie and like flashback and he says it's very clearly that and nothing else Like if there's no way they they got a guy to do that voice and didn't know what the fuck they were doing until this very moment I just thought it was him my my notes here say

As soon as the intro is over my notes here say they're gonna pick Spartan Yeah They're going to pick Spartan. Yeah. That's a good call. Like I know this guy. I'm going through his credits right now. I know this guy in 2009. There's no way he's not picking Spartan. Okay. I feel like Ninja though.

The real good lives of an empire. Like kind of perfect for this show. Because the ninjas are so magical. It is him. Holy shit, it's him. Okay. It is him. I'm glad.

I'm glad I was right. He went uncredited. He went under a pseudonym. He went under a pseudonym,. It is him. Holy shit. It's him. Okay. It is him. I'm glad. I'm glad I was right. He went uncredited. He went under a pseudonym. He went under a pseudonym, but it is him. Amazing. Amazing. He was embarrassed by this. So good.

He should be. He did 300, and it was embarrassed by this. So I like at the beginning, they give everybody stats. And so they give stats to just the ninja. And what they went with was five foot two, one hundred and thirty. I mean, yes, I guess for the time, if you picked somebody on the smaller. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. I mean, I've gone to museums and seen it's like, it's like museums and seen the old suits of armor, like coming up to my waist.

I'm like, okay, yeah, they were pretty small back then, but five foot two is a really cute little nation. And 135 pounds. Yeah, I read that. I just, I just imagined a ninja school with like the front door has like a, you cannot be taller than this to be a ninja. And like so many guys just being dejected and turning right around as soon as they see it. It's like, no, I'm five, I'm five, four and a half. God damn it.

The Spartan, they made five foot eight, a hundred and sixty five, but that's a full shack to the ninja. Yeah, the ninja stats. You can see immediately, like anybody looking at that, it's like, oh, okay. So Spartan wins then. Yep. We're done.

And it just gets worse when they start doing weapons. But first, I want to talk about our team. That's the one constant of the show. They have a core team of deadliest warrior scientists. The first one is named Jeff Demoline, and he's a scientist and karate black belt and not listed in. And a biomechanist biomedical biomedical engineer.

But yes, I'm sorry. Hey, real quick. What's a quick guess that both of you think biomedical engineer means? Oh, I actually know because I looked him up. What is it? What does biomedical engineer do? Like on a day to day? OK, he I think puts like little pads on things and then hits them with Spartan shields, like that.

I think that's what he does. He wakes up and he's like, oh, honey, I got to smash a whole lot of things in Spartan shields today. And she's like, all right, honey, but you got to pick up this, the kids from karate at three. No, he has a company where it says, we predict human injury in any environment. Is there motto? I want you to know they do not say prevent.

Just like look at water slides or police policies. And they're like, oh yeah, yeah, you're talking 820 human deaths a year right there. Well, I mean, that's a threat. Can't help you. That's not a job discretion. That's a threat. Yeah.

We predict a lot of injury unless you pay us. There's no way to fix it. He's a nationally ranked Canadian by athlete, which I'm sure you're familiar. That's the sport where you cross country ski and then shoot a rifle. It's a fucking awesome sport. He didn't do a bunch of TV stuff after this. So this is like his big thing.

And I think he's great because he's kind of like big and Jim buff. He's also got like a sense of wonder. Like anytime you see somebody like, hit somebody, hit something with a sword, he's like, what the fuck? Those numbers, no one has ever hit anything as hard as you just hit that with a sword. I think it's just,

surely Max Geiger had other jobs on television after this. He wishes. But yes, one last thing about Jeff, he is as a biomechanical engineer. He is in charge of putting little impact pads and accelerometers on dummies, setting up speed sensing lasers. And anyway, I think he's got decent broadcast skills and great astonishment. So I think he's really good on this show. No notes, but yeah, next up we're gonna talk about Max Geiger. And he is a 21 year old computer whiz. I think this is, I think Max is as close as you can get

to some TV producers saying, you know who you need, my nephew, he's good at computers. Like, as far as I know. He downloaded this thing called Live Wire. Have you heard? He's a hacker. He's a hacker. Yeah, I don't think he'd done anything before the show. He actually came from school to film this.

I read an AMA he did and he's the fucking best. He loves this show so much. And he answered everything as honestly and as openly as he could. I think he's he's the fucking best. He loves this show so much and he answered everything is honestly in his open as he could. Um, I think he's pretty good on the show. I, he seems really scared all the time, uh, which I think is helpful karate around. Yeah, you need, it's just so easy to like accidentally die from karate when

you're on and he's the one that would die. Let us be clear. He is a small and and very very he's got a computer body. It's got a 2009 computer body. Real indoor kid body. He's the audience. I can't. If the audience is going to see themselves in any character in the show.

I'm Max Geiger. Good at computer. He's I can't say I can't say the amount the insurance bond for so much karate, like because I had to gain the budget out a man versus monster It's it is it is very pricey and I would be I'd be very nervous that I would accidentally Be caught in like some sort of karate accident myself. Absolutely. I have a lot of empathy for that was my plan for day one I was just gonna fly and kick you Fair fair. Yeah, just as the set shuts down to just, it's, it's, it's named the game man, Karate.

Karate can't help it. Uh, I think his main skill was Excel. Uh, but he also had the responsibility of being like, golly gee, you're so deadly. It's a real sword. Wow, real Karate sword. Uh, but that being said, I want to say that he has this ability to kind of keep, keep things on rails.

Like a lot of these arguments get pretty heated. They naturally escalate to what I would imagine would be violence eventually. But he's always like there to be, well, let's go to the computer. Because because I don't know, I think that's a really valuable skill to have on set. I don't know. We've all been to parties where two traditional martial artists like insist that one style is stronger than the other. And you're like, oh my God, this is going to turn into an awkward wrestling match any second. Have we opened to parties?

What happens? I've been to so many parties. We've been to different parties. I don't know. Maybe. I have a lot of like, were these karate parties? And then I think I think I think modern MMA has like, unfortunately, kind of killed a lot of these discussions. But yes, I mean, that back like pre UFC on Fox, I would say there were a lot of just any time any what I experienced as like someone who studied martial arts a lot when I was a teenager is conversation would come up like, oh, do you, you know, oh, yeah, I do martial arts. Oh, yeah. Did you know that, bleh? And then someone would just spout off the most insane nonsense. And you'd have to like do the social contract thing of like, oh, yeah, that's interesting. Well, no, so Kung Fu does not make your balls impervious to ball shots. That doesn't actually have, like you'd have to like be this weird like advocate for just reality, apparently.

And, and, but nowadays it's like, I think, I mean, like it's weird nowadays. Everybody's got like a working knowledge of what an arm bar is. I think so. It's just a little bit different. Yeah. I had a guy came into work on my foundation last week and I just have like my Moitage everywhere and he's like, you in the UFC? I just have like my Muay Thai gear everywhere. And he's like, you in the UFC?

And I'm like, no, I do Muay Thai. And he's like, oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm like, all right, you guys, how long are you guys gonna be? And he's like, yeah, I do Taekwondo. I'm like, okay, so like, so it's, we're talking warrior to warrior now. And then like the more awkward silence,

I'm like, I don't, I have no idea how to navigate this, right? And he goes, yeah, I'm a Greenbelt. And I swear to God, I almost laughed. I mean, like, like he's a he's a grown man. I'm like, and I didn't know if he was referring to like a Greenbelt he got when he was eight or if he like got it this week. Like I just got my taquando Greenbelt as a grown man. And I thought I thought this is so funny.

And I'm, and I'm like, this is the kind of things kind of conversations I still to this day find myself having these at parties or whatever. And so, so I can relate to the Max Geiger energy. Like I run into a lot of Max Geiger energy in my, in my regular life. I think he went on to work on some computer games. So he is an actual computer with the system. He uses isn't. Yeah, that that was looking at him.

I believed he knows computer. Specifically this type of like war game thing that they do because they have no, you're right. You're right. Specifically, Excel, they showed him on his little work station. And you're like, this is all he has. And it's like they had one monitor open with just a bunch of JPEGs and fighting dummies

and one monitor with Excel. And he was like, I enter up to 20 different factors. And then what he didn't say was in Excel. Right. Right. I do think they had a real program that was like designed for some sort of a historical, like, you know, deep, stat heavy, war sim. But what we see is Excel. Like we don't actually see anything cool.

Nothing TV friendly. It's just Excel, which it seems inadequate for this. Like, like, like you say, the other modern had all these JPEGs of mannequins, but like, you could spend the weekend kind of have some flow charts, have some like, I don't fucking know. CSI. Excel is too little. CSI. Zoom's through a canyon of Ninja. My favorite editing trick they did. And I sympathize hard with the editors of this, by the way. They did the thing where they made like five or six,

the budget had room for five or six CG shots, where it was like the same, like green wire frame, recreate a Roman Coliseum, zoom in graphic thing. And then it would just cut to their shitty recreation footage, which I'm sure we'll get to in a little bit. But it would often be like a shot of Max, a closeup of his Excel sheet,

and then a smash cut to Wireframe, the Roman Coliseum coming to life, which I worked on a show for history called Patent 360, where we did like battle analysis, recreation with like really bad, like, you know, video to us, your graphics. And we could only get like four shots and we had to reuse the shit out of those. We'd play them backwards upside down. We'd invert image. We just stretch that thing like taffy for all of our b-roll needs. And like every time I kept like a tally of how many times it would go for Max's CSV document to fucking

just, you know, the Roman Coliseum in cyberspace. And it was like, it was like nine. Yeah. This has got to be such a fun show for you to watch because like they did a pretty decent job, I think, to get a normie to think they had a big budget. But, uh, yes, like, if you're familiar with a lot of the production, you're like, no, no, this is, this is really finely polished, like, seed of the pants, like, nonsense. Just coming apart at the seams, held together.

I guess that might be the case when all of their environments for this ancient fight between a Greek warrior and a Japanese ninja was the backyard of somebody's house in California. Yeah, like, maybe Echo Park, I don't know. Yeah, it's just. All right, I was gonna save this for later. I was going to save this for later. But Sean, you will recognize this. Where the ninja is running is the same Echo Park, like Flight of Stairs, where Gordon Ho's

ninja showdown. Yes, that's definitely a fucking Richard Harrison ninja fight scene. Yes, Richard Harrison, like the one where they like they like through frisbees at each other. Oh, yeah. Combat that and they do like back flips and shit like that. That is there's an exact moment where they. Where else would a ninja be? It was so familiar.

I used to live in Echo Park. I'm like, this is just like somebody's yard. Yup. Yup. You recognize that's got a few times. I've fought that ninja. He's holding us by the bottom. I do think, I think Deadliest Warrior would sort of make for a good like stat heavy sim game. But the game they made was sort of like a tech in clone.

It was kind of terrible. And the head of that company got in trouble because he claimed to be a green beret, which was not true. Like Barry, is it Barry? It's not Barry. Really, it was Barry. I hate Barry. Just like I hope no, we got no Barry fans coming up.

There's another guy on the team. He's an ER doctor, turns TV doctor named Armand Dorian. And I think he's he's great because he explains human bodies to the viewer like they haven't been piloting them their whole lives. So he'll be like, I don't know, like this era went into the eye so. Would you a little cause trauma to the eye, causing problems in vision and a potential pain.

A little further would have gone straight into the brain. And that's where warrior memories are stored. This guy would have been very close to forgetting where to poop, which is a type of thick peepee. Like, I don't know what I'm saying. But like, he comes in and just explains. Like, yeah, yeah, if you get stabbed here in the heart

What that does makes it so it's harder for your heart to pump the blood and that you could bleed out four hours 15 days. We don't know science will never know so he's kind of an I got that vibe He's kind of an idiot right like cuz they've introduced him It's like a fight doctor and what I wrote down was doctor fight and I was like no, that's it He's just Dr. Fight. He's like, got a big thick neck and like, later on, somebody has to explain what sharp things are to him by saying like, it's like four scalpels. And he's like, Oh, okay. Oh, Dr. You speak

doctor, me get. And then, okay, so that's that's our core team. And then each side, the Spartans and the Ninjas, in this case, they get representatives. So they have two Spartan warrior experts, and in this case, they seem like pretty tough guys. One of them's a green braid, I didn't catch the other guy's thing, but he seemed like a legit MMA trained fighter man.

I feel like this is the hardest role to fill for the show because they need to be historians, they need to be good communicators and passionate debaters, but they're also representing the warriors in actual physical tests. So when one of these nerds swings a sword in a dummy, that's the data they're gonna use for how hard a Spartan must have swung a sword.

So it's like a really hard casting call and they don't usually have all those skills. For example. This was expressed, go ahead. I was gonna say the ninjas seem like they're pretty good ninjas, but like hardcore nerds, like terrible at all the other skills that this show requires. Yes.

Which is to sound tough and to impress people. 2009 big fan of ninjas, you're telling me that guy's a nerd? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The narrative would be like, and Green Beret, but the lower third Chiron on screen would have like their name and be like, author. Yes. Like, I mean, wait, what? Like, and that didn't just happen once or twice. It happened with everybody. Yeah.

Everybody had like a secondary honorific like listed on their second line of the Chiron. Yeah. They just constantly trying to throw the honorific sentence. Uh, so they, whatever they, and he talked about how they have these like pretty bad like CGI videos to try to explain the guys.

I don't know, it's almost better than you'd expect. Like, like they have this, yeah, this terrible live action reenactment of thermopoly, but like better than it has to be, maybe. I don't know. Except for the one guy they dressed as the hamburger. Did you see that? Yeah, the fucking Hamburglar.

They put a full on Hamburglar in there to fight the Spartans. Like, that Spartans going to kill that Hamburglar. The Ninjas, they're a karate instructor and I think a ninja historian. And I talked about them like they're nerds, but one of them does the full splits while he's describing ninjas to the camera. And I'm like, it's kind of that perfect. It's perfect for a ninja because it's both very cool, but so nerdy. And I just love it. Beyond that, they do, they clearly take a lot of his testimonials as they go along from this segment where he's doing the full splits and talking to the camera.

But they'll zoom in to be like, well, it's just a normal guy talking. But you can see that he's's doing the full splits and talking to the camera, but they'll zoom in to be like, well, it's just a normal guy talking, but you can see that he's still doing the full splits. Throughout the entire episode, they laced these things in, which I'm sure was just five minutes of dialogue to the camera that they cut through. But the impression is that he spent the entire episode and indeed every conversation, he just drops into the splits and is like,

hmm, yes, let us discuss. I think this is maybe the most signature thing on the show is what they do next where they take, in this case, they do primary weapons. So in this case, it's a Spartan spear. And then they get this Spartan guy come up the green beret and he just stabs one of those like Bob mannequins with a spear. And they're like, yeah, this is fucking dead. And they like look at all this slow motion footage like, yeah, look at that, that spear went right into him. That guy's fucking dead. And then they check for the doctor. He's like, yeah, what happens

with the spear is when a spear goes in, that'll puncture the organs, it'll puncture the ribs. And then he explains like the technical term for bleeding out, which he said is going to give you a hemorrhage. Whatever, whatever. Fucking Armand. In his little lab coat. Yes. Just to make sure you know he's a doctor.

He just doesn't. I would never cast that guy as a doctor. He looks like when you'd see a bad guy dressed as a doctor in a Jackie Chan movie. Yeah. You're like, that suit doesn't fit you. You're clearly about to come full fight. He's a ninja spy, which is a very ninja move. But so these guys, they stab the mannequin. They're like, when that spear hits the ninja, it's gonna go right through him. That's a direct quote. And then another great thing that happens on the show

is that the guys they say this about are like, um, nah, uh, I will like get out of the way. And so you can see how this show turns into a grade school argument about who would be, you know, Batman versus Superman. Like that's central to the show. It's Marshall Arksner. It's going, nah, uh, I kill you for you. Do that.

Nah, uh, force field. Yes, that's going, uh-uh, I kill you before you do that, uh-uh, force field. Yes, that's the whole show. You're right. That is the entire show. Good podcast, everybody. There's also a weird blending of first person, where the Ninja guys, they think they're super little armors going to protect them. That's bronze. I'm used to like getting around steel I'm like, yes, are you are you real? Are you specifically really used to getting around steel? Like is that a thing that you've done?

That's a really good point because sometimes their their identities get so tied up in this in these like martial arts nerd theories that like it gets weird and especially gets weird when there's like a heritage involved because there's an episode I really love maybe as much as this one maybe more where Apache fought Gladiator and yes the Apache was so tied up in like how much an Apache would fuck up a Gladiator that it kind of got like like uh god I don't know I don't know this isn't the word but like like but this guy was like straight up like smugly saying things to the camera. Like it's in my savage blood to cut out your life.

Whatever arrow pierces your heart is the Apache's favorite for all Apaches lust for wet death. Like he's just like, this is the things you're saying are fucking crazy, dude. And this is maybe not related, but this disrupted the pattern in that episode because for the Gladiator, they got actual Chocoladale to come in and test the Gladiator weapons. And so you can't have an argument between like a fucking middle-aged Apache museum curator and tour guide and the light heavyweight champion of the fucking Ultimate Fighting Championships. He's a Chocoladale like punches through a side of beef with a fist sword. And then like, what's the Apache supposed to say?

Like, well played gladiator. You're you're on saying knife punch made the PSI detector short out and kind of got a picture with you after this. But but that's me. Just I'll show you your attack of Shirley no much for my frigging Tomahawk. You're like, get the fuck out of here. There's a this is a great example of the time when the UFC was on Spike Network. And so you got all of these like very weird and ham-fisted guest appearances from UFC fighters that were clearly in between training camps and out of shape.

Like I know Chuck, I've met Chuck, I got to like, I got to like film Chuck for a couple weeks long, like 20 years ago. And Chuck Liddell in between training camps is a very different silhouette than lean, mean, you know, fighting machine Chuck Liddell. I remember Randy Couture was also like, uh, pros versus Joe or Joe's versus Schmoes or something like that. Like one of those shows. Yeah.

Prostrus Joe's and they had to do like K-Try Radio Couture. And Radio Couture clearly like in between camps and joined his non-weight cut diet and still just ragdolling this dude but with like a slightly jiggly belly. And it's just like, there's like five or six instances of UFC fighters just sprinkled in Spike TV program. Just that energy of Chuck Liddell arguing with a middle-aged Apache historian, which has always been very funny to me. I just want to talk about the energy of the show because it has a really nervous energy. Like it's a bunch of strangers in a room full of weapons and unmanned activity stations. There's just kind of a constant adrenaline.

It's like very cocaine energy. Like stuff's about to go down, but it never goes down. So they just sort of stay amped up and nervous the whole time. I could imagine quite easily these two teams, like I could just see into the future this format where you take what are clearly unhinged psychopaths who have dedicated their lives to like whether or not Spartans are the toughest and then somebody else equally just is unhinged on the opposite side and then you get them to argue

who's tougher, like, I am sure there were fistfights on that set, there had to, there was, I feel like there was almost a fistfight towards the end of this episode. I think so, I feel like the Spartan guys were like, was like a soldier and a fighter, so they didn't have that insecurity of the ninjas. So like, as it started to get heated, they're just like,

I don't fucking care about this ninja thing and the things he's saying, you know, they weren't taking it so personal. I got, I got, I definitely got the, uh, I got the January 6th energy from Barry. I got the berries, berries got like a team of guys now and maybe they're doing some kind of a quote unquote exercises out in Idaho. Like, yeah, I didn't check in on Barry, but I would buy that. I like, I think it was Barry who made that point that

the Spartan has four weapons, which is better than the ninjas, like 50 weapons, because they have to sit there and think about all these stupid little weapons. And I was like, that's kind of a funny point. I don't know. There's a lot of arguments that people make that maybe aren't as relevant as others. Here they are testing how hard a spear hits, but then sometimes the guy will come in and say, oh, no, see, a crusader would totally kill the pirate because they believe in the Christian God

and that gives them the strength they need to fight. You know, anything they can throw up on the whiteboard for their debate. Was that a real one that they put Christian God into Excel and assign him a number of points? I have no idea if they did, but that's a real thing that someone said. It was Knight versus Pirate. And the Knight said that because they believed so much in God, that made them strong.

That gave them motivation. Max Geiger over there, like, I'm going to put 100 under special weapons and God. God is worth 100. How does God even calculate on a comma separated value document? Like how do you even, how does Excel excel the infinite omnipotence of the Lord? I'm telling you, 100. It's just 100.

Yeah, it's 100. Just 100, even 100. I think you gotta compare it in the context of like their savage snake god or whatever the fuck their opponent worships. And it's definitely better than that. But how much better is up to Max Geiger computer is? Like there's another one I like Max Geiger author.

The sticker from Conan. I don't know. That's like a good 60. I'm going to give that a 60. Yeah, he's strong. He beats he beats Zinu for sure. There was another guy like you talked about motivation as a Maori warrior who added that like he was motivated to fight because he was gonna eat them after the fight. And so like that was like part of his like.

It's good. I'm gonna put 40s. I'm gonna put hungry, hungry is 40, put it on board. Yeah, it's not as powerful as God, but like eat you later is still worth putting in the Excel spreadsheet. There's one of those great arguments, like in this actual show, when the Ninja team is like, okay, well, we invented essentially mace. It's crushed glass and chili powder, and it's gonna go in

your eyes. And like, then it goes to Barry and Barry instead of saying like, well, the Spartans got this big ass shield, like Like what are you gonna do? Barry's like, Spartans are, they spend their whole life getting so tough. They wouldn't even notice that. Like they got such tough eyeballs that they wouldn't notice a glass in them. Like that's the kind of shit they said,

what am I gonna do with the spreadsheet for that, Barry? Tough eyeballs? Tough eyeballs. What is the appropriate numerical buff to eyeballs? I wanna put seven here, Barry. I wanna put seven in the spreadsheet for tough eyeballs. Tuff eyeballs. Tuff eyeballs. What is the appropriate numerical bump to eyeballs? I want to put seven here, Barry. I want to put seven in this spreadsheet for tough eyeballs. Like, we shit. They did their best to test it.

Like, they put a hat on the fucking mannequin and threw the chili powder egg at it. And then looked at a mannequin covered in chili powder egg and were like, yep. That's, didn't they have the doctor come in we're like, yep. That's they didn't they have the doctor come in and be like, yeah, that looks like one round of glass in the eyeball is going to do was hurt. He explained he explained that it would hurt to do that tonight. Oh, it's so fucking better. So then they have a part of the failing of the show is they have to do a direct one to one comparison.

You have this this insane eight-long spear that just completely turns a man inside out versus a little egg filled with glass. So it's spear versus egg. And you're like, what? Fucking what? So okay, I guess here's the big monkey wrench of the show is the phrase it depends because I feel like in any rational discussion, if someone says who would win in a fight between this and this, the rational person says it depends. And that like for example, Spider-Man versus Batman,

you know, the writers would look at that and say, well, it depends, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this show does not seem to take that into account. So we don't know if like one of the fighters is allowed to leave or if one of them is not expecting a fight. Is it 10 of them versus 10 of the other? Like these this thing about how it depends is just like trying to take out of the question as if like, do they get pulled onto battle world by the beyonder and like stuck in an elevator?

Like what the fuck are the circumstances of this fight? I don't know. It's, it's, there's so many instances of, like it feels, I forget the name of the type of like rhetorical argument, but it's like, but yeah, at sheer point it's like, well, this shield will block any tech, well, what if, what if you're walking and I sneak up behind you? It's like, well, you can will block any tech. Well, what if you're walking and I sneak up behind

you? It's like, well, you can say that for anybody, you can say that for anything. You know what I mean? Like my grandmother could sneak up behind somebody and theoretically fuck them up. You know what I mean? It's like, it reminded me a lot of the a lot of the discussions reminded me of that of from the Sandman comic book and TV show, where the Sandman and the devil are in like this rhetorical battle of like, I am the son ever eating snake hungry and flies. You know, it's like, it's like,

they're just, or honestly, like the monster offs that Sean, you and I used to do with like friends where we draw a monster that killed the other monster. It's like, well, okay. Yeah. In that case, I guess I could create a monster that has like fucking shield eating powers. You know what I mean? It's just at the end of the day, all the science just like ran right up against it. And I don't think there was an Excel spreadsheet for that. Like there should have been columns for, you know,

biome or time of day. I don't, I don't fucking know. Here's another thing I like on the show is that nobody can agree on pronunciation. I have a clip here that I just, I love. God damn it! Okay, here it is. This is why I promise this one's it. It's a variation of the actual Samurai katana called a Ninjito. A Ninjito. Three feet of a razor sharp steel.

Perfect fucking head. It's a fucking head. It's a fucking head. It's a fucking head. It's a fucking head. It's a fucking head. It's a sharp steel. Perfect fucking edge. It's called Ninjato. That's my favorite part of the show is that it's like called Ninjato. It's called Ninjato. Like it's just no idea of how to pronounce anything on the show. Stop saying it like an asshole.

Yeah, that dude definitely calls it Gojira. Okay, so I love this because he's talking about how great the Ninjato is. And he's like, dude, this totally cut through that bronze helmet of the Spartans. They don't test this to that guy's credit because that would have just like bounced that sword right out of his head and straight into computer ways,

Max Geiger. So this dude comes in and he like shatters the Jill Mannequins collarbone. And I guess I want to say that this guy seems like he's a pretty good ninja and they get good traditional martial artists. I think if he wasn't in the room with actual fighters in the year 2009, watching them slap armor, you wouldn't know they were nerds. Like you'd be like, this guy's, I'm here at this ninja school and this guy seems pretty

fucking sweet. Uh, so I just want to throw that out there that like, as far as swinging swords go. Great job, ninjas. I don't think he did a good job. Max Geiger, he did a great job when he, when he swung that little sword, when he swung the ninja toe, uh, Max Geiger was like, I don't even know how to program this wound. Like computers, computers can't even know how to program this wound. Like computers. Computers can't even process how much ass you just whipped, Ninja.

So then the Spartans have a Zyphos. And so they have the Green Beret come up and he hits the mannequin with a Zyphos, but he like stabs right in the center. So there's like this metal spine that holds the jail torso together. And so it fucks the whole test up. They're like, well, you know, a human doesn't have a metal rod in their spine. So we got to do something different. So they get a pig carcass and now they like have everyone cut through a pig carcass, which is probably cooler for TV anyway, right?

The ninja comes out and does the most like anime fucking Pig chopping just like draws a sword. He's like key. I Almost kills it in one slot chop gets it a second the second time it rules He does put a green beret in sort of way all cool like this. Yes, yes. They gave him that moment. That was so nice of them. Yeah.

Hell, yes. Because your opponent was a pig. My fit. He put the sort of way all cool after killing a dead pig. Ah, my blade is tasted. I can cheat it now. I think it was before this, but it was easily by far part of the show where they're like,

now it's the ninja's turn to choose their weapon. And they do like this whole shopping bit. Oh, I love that. Sword. Oh, yeah. No, just definitely. Kusaragama. We're going to need two of those. Like this little like this cute little fucking bit about like, like what they would actually do.

Like what would a fucking ninja actually do before like a murder? It was amazing. They'd go to the ninja store with a big old cart. You're also leaving out how they would pronounce everything like assholes too. So like, should we get two of these? Come on!

Like, oh yeah, yeah. What about these? Oh yes, we'll definitely need the shuriken. Shuriken. Yeah. It's like, yeah, they hit their 100 day streak on Duolingo. Like, and there was a really pleasing show off. They're nailing it.

Uh, the, the Greenberry comes out and he fucks up the pig too, but he has like no karate swagger. So he just kind of like hacks at it with this little sword that he's probably used a couple times. Um, it beats the shit out of the pig. I mean, a pig is no match. A dead pig is no match for a sword. Um, but yeah, I would think, but I've had a few is no match. A dead pig is no match for a sword.

We would think, but I've had a few run ins that, you know, might be a counter to that. Max Gagers, it's so confused about what to do with this data. And they they ask him a question. I can't remember how they put it, but they're like, oh, how will you enter these into the parameters? And he's like, I like give it a number and put it in an Excel spreadsheet. So he's like trying to cover for that as if he's doing more than that. He's like, oh gosh, these parameters,

I might have to add some extra columns. I mean, battle statistics. I looked up the software that they use because he mentions that it's Slytherin Studios. And I was like, all right, Max Geiger, you little Harry Potter looking nerd, you made that up and you didn't think anybody would know. It was a real studio and it's just a video game. Real studio.

It's just a video game program that they're using. Yeah. What are you going to do? You're going to enter that stat into the character sheet on the video game and see how they fight. That's exactly it. And then that's going to get multiplied by probably one variable and just thrown into a big, massive random numbers. I think another thing that occurred to me, like on this episode,

is that they're going to run out of these guys so fucking fast, like Ninja versus Spartan. You're like, nobody can hang with this type of like legendary warrior archetype. And and they did. Like by the time it was episode five, they were doing Yakuza vs Mafia, and episode nine was fucking IRA vs Taliban. Like that's crazy. Like you're out of ideas if you think that's some shit you should put on TV. Season three, the entire-

Your favorite terrorist group. You have to pick one in this fight. We've got the worst goddamn teams. None of these teams are allowed within the country, technically, but they're here. I do like white nationalists against ISIS. They have like better social media. This is Team White Nationalists.

The entirety- Here? They got like fucking Nazis and ISIS in the warehouse with them. The entirety of season three was just pitting like specific military leaders against each other. So it was yes. Yes. And it was the same with like five seasons. Right. No, no, it was just it was just three.

Like they had Napoleon versus Washington and Saddam Hussein versus Pol Pot. So that's right. The third season was like actual people. Yeah. Yeah. What? That's so obviously that fucking was it a fistfight? Ruin because were they fistfights?

Yeah, I was arm wrestling. I was it was a whole biathlon. They went cross country skiing and then they had a target shooting. But yeah, this shit. Once you get away from like the archetype of Kung Fu versus Plama, that structure, you're just, it's a fucking mess. Because unless you create a very specific narrative and setting, you can kind of just run the budget and the numbers on that, right? Like Army Rangers beat North Korean special operations, you dumbass. They have the fucking economy of

Branson, Missouri versus the war machine of America. And it's like, I don't like I say it's it always it depends as the thing. But like in the case of modern military powers, it's like whatever side sells bananas to America, they're going to win. Like there's no fucking point in running these numbers. Ninjas were very good at selling bananas to Americans. I just want to put that historically. If we're going to bring it by trade, I'm going to put a 99 in the banana column. Bananas to America.

It's one short of the Christian God. Right. It's very powerful. But I knew bananas were good for me, but damn. Next day, I always do a ranged weapon, which in this case is great because the Spartan just has like a smaller spear that they throw. And the guys clearly like never done, throw a javelin, take some practice and this guy does not have it. So he like, he's like two fucking feet away from that mannequin when he lets the spear go. It's so funny.

It's a long dart. Let's be just get spear is generous. That's a long dart. Yeah, that was a long dart. Yeah. And even the scientists are like, yeah, it didn't look like it hurt. He just pulled that out. The ninja pulled that right up. But when you're five foot two, a whole that size, that's like 40 percent of your body. That is through an actual dart would do some real damage. Yes. The ninja get all kinds of ranged weapons. They have the blowgun. They got the shittakin. The blowgun is when it's over though.

They're like, the doctor comes. Yeah, doctor fight comes on and it's like this poison kill you one minute. I go, okay, so that's the end then. Yep, that wins. Yeah, right? They are in front of the throwing stars. The throwing stars are just kind of annoying. That's the one where they have to tell doctor fight. Throwing stars are just kind of annoying.

That's the one where they have to tell Dr. Fight. This is like four Skelples and Dr. Fight's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, it's pretty good. The Greenbrae even gives the Ninja like a little condescending pat after he throws the throwing star. Like, oh, nice, nice cute little throwing spirit. Yeah, it sucks, Barry. That's it. And you can't say shit because, yeah, he's right. Barry's right. I mean, he's a dick, but. That sucks. And you can't say shit because, yeah, he's right. Barry's right.

I mean, he's a dick, but he's right. We all agree that the Spartan shield is completely OP. Every ninja weapon bounces right the fuck off. Bounce right off. Yeah. Yeah. Also, you can bunk with it. They test this on the crash test dummy and they have the. So good.

Not Barry, but the the honk Spartan, he comes in, he just bashes the fuck out of it with the shield. And Jeff's like, I just, but the honk Spartan, he comes in, he just bashes the fuck out of the shield and Jeff's like, oh, I just crunched the numbers. This is harder than a truck accident. Like he's like, it's deadlier than the spear. They all agree. So, so Captain America is right, I guess is the point of the show. I love when he, when it's Jeremy is the, it's the Spartan weapons expert. And he just beats the hell out of this thing with a shield. And then before he walks off, he kicks it in the face while it's down. He just gets a little spiky kick like, fuck you, dummy. You know, trying to do the 300 kick.

It was like so clear he's trying to do the 300. Oh, yeah, the Spartan front kick. That was personal to the ninjas. He's like, that's you, ninja. The ninjas come at their equivalent of this shield, which is special weapons. They use the Kusaragama, which is, it's like a little comma-scythe with a long chain

and then there's a ball on the end of the chain. So it's every weapon in one. It's the perfect like Ninja weapon, I love it. They test it on the torso and sure enough, the getting hit in the tummy with a hook sort of sucks. And then the green beret like smugly puts the bronze cure ass on it. Am I saying that right?

The bronze like chest armor, he puts it on the dummy. Yeah, the cure ass, yeah. Yeah, and he's like, what's the alternative to that? That's the alternation for that. We're not saying that. The ninja gets all pouty because like he covered up my little torso and then he bangs his little comma against the armor

just once and like leaves, doesn't do shit, but he argues that actually it would like bounce up and hit you in the neck and I have a clip of him failing to do that. Let me just play that here. Oh, God damn it! I have a clip of them failing to do that. Let me just play that here 70 points golden girls theme song penetration for the simulation I mean there's been a lot of talk about this is being your big weapon against the Spartan comes

Oh nice face. Thank you Oh nice face. Thank you. You're the moment. Oh wow. Standing for sure. Of course where does the blade go next? It goes right up to his neck. From there, exactly where the blade is curving around right now.

You go for the back of the neck, go for the side of the neck. Hook in there, drag. That's the one place he doesn't have armor. Absolutely. Michael Lehr tries hard to put a positive spin on it. He's not armored everywhere, is he? Take out one arm. Take out the other arm. Drops his shield, drops his spear.

Of course, the only thing left to do is take out the rest of it, just what a ninja wants. The ninja is selling. Nobody's buying. I think it was bulls***, and I don't think the Spartan be very fathered by an impact like that. So right now I'm giving the edge to the Spartan. It's so fucking funny.

So difficult. Cut off his other leg. Can't do shit with no arms. And that's all the Ninja wants. It's for you to have no arms and you're the ninja's mercy. You see it was actually a good thing that it was off the armor And that's all it needs you want. It's for you to have no arms and you're the ninja's mercy. You see, it was actually a good thing that it bounced off the armor because then it hit the neck. Um, uh-huh.

You could see her. I mean, right in that clip, he reminds me so much of that frigging weeaboo kid who like drew a sword on the subway to like fend off an attacker. I know exactly what you're talking about. And then like died and he died like three years later, like drowning, trying to take a girl to like a private karate lesson on an island or something. Oh yeah, you didn't know about that? No. Well, let's tell the story first. There's a newscast of this guy and he like pulled his sword to like stop a mugging or something. Yeah, there's like a fight. Okay. So a disagreement on the subway and then a maniac comes up with a sword and

that disarmed that people like, okay, okay, okay, maybe we should rethink our fist fight. And then he told the news crew that he was actually planning several steps ahead. He was a and he's actually, um, he's less dangerous with the blade than he is with his hands. I started carrying it. Sorry to be safer. The fucking best. Maximum karate. Yeah. But he died. The best.

Teaching someone karate on an island, then he drowned. He was telling a teenage girl, I will teach you karate on this private island. Got on a rowboat and then he fell out of the boat and drowned. Oh my God. What's your supposed name? Did she ever learn karate? And then like he fell out of the bone. Drown. Oh my God. Which is the girl. Did she ever learn karate? I think it was before any. I think she proved that she was a little more effective than karate.

Yeah, I think karate minutes. I think if we put this into the Excel spreadsheet, we will find girl push as as to be as no robot. No robot. 101 points. Robots. They're a minus 30 buff on any stat block. Slytherin Studios computron. So so this is unusual to have such a definitive like loss in the in

the rhetorical argument. So when the narrator is calling you out for trying to fucking spin it like you've lost, the other ninja uses the other side of the Kasuda Gabba to like bonk the top of the helmet and that kind of leaves a dent in the helmet and the Spartans who I don't think are very insecure at all are like, yeah, that's fucking sweet, dude. That was, that would really fuck you up.

Like they're like congratulating him. I think they just hate the other ninja and like this, the older one. But then the ninja retreats to, we're playing chess. We're like several steps ahead. And the Spartan like legitimately wins the nerd argument by saying like, just like with common sense.

He's like the ninja will be, you can't block something that's all that small. And the Spartans like, dude, that's not how you fucking track flying objects. You look at someone's shoulder when they're throwing something. And they're just like, OK, OK, nevertheless. And and like, he argues like a baby and it it it makes me very sad. But anyway, we're wrapping up the show. They they give the edge to the better weapon

here at the end. They're like spear versus egg, spear, blowgun versus javelin, blowgun, shield versus all that other ninja stuff, shield. So I guess it brings me to another problem I have for the show of the 50. There's no control. So like, I think people all went to seventh grade. We know what a control is in a scientific experiment. So a good example is there's an episode where they did Green Beret versus Spetsnaz. And these are people with very similar weapon systems, but they had the Americans stand four feet from a pig and then shoot it with a shotgun.

But then the Spetsnaz, they had to do all these combat roles and then they killed like this full outdoor bar scene with blood filled mannequins. And on that same show, they have like almost identical grenades, but they threw one set of grenades at store mannequins and then a pig in a phone booth. That was the American grenade. They threw it with the mannequins and the pig. And then the Spetsnaz had to drop their grenade in a washing machine a phone booth. That was the American grenade. They threw it the mannequins of the pig. And then the Spetsnaz had to drop their grenade in a washing machine and run away. And I'm like, fucking, how does that answer anything? You just get two washing machines or

two sets of pigs. You can't, it's so fucking stupid. And then you have all this data that keeps everything subjective that shouldn't necessarily be. Anyway, like special weapons is like where they put all of this, because this is where they take like just a random thing one guy has versus a random thing another guy has. I'm trying to think that that same show I'm talking, Spetsnaz Green Beret, they had the entrenching tool of the Green Beret versus the ballistic knife of Spetsnaz. Oh my god, you can take off someone's head with the E-Tool. Yeah, you can hit somebody in the shovel, it fucking sucks. But I don't know.

Like I say, it always depends. It just always fucking depends. It depends on somebody found a free washing machine out in this backyard where they're doing it. You can afford one pig for the episode, and if you ruin it, we're doing something else. And then we're, then we're breaking a store mannequin instead. I think it's a good time to talk about the use of ballistic dummies on the show.

Like, you know, when they need, ballistic dummies are not cheap. And you can tell, like, they've really debated when to use the ballistic dummy or not. Otherwise, they use the Bob, which is that shitty fucking infomercial punching bag that it's the one with the face versus like the translucent one. And you can always tell like, it's like, oh, they really, you can tell how much preparation went to each segment based on whether they use Bob or the actual ballistic dummy. If you were serious about solving these problems, I think you could, I don't know, obviously get some philosophers and murderers to sit there and debate.

I feel like until you hold an obstacle course Olympics or paintball, you're just kind of, I don't know, just a limp shrug and declaring a winner is all this show's ever going to be. Unless you get the greatest living Spartans to run an Olympic course against the greatest living Spartans to like fucking run an Olympic course against the greatest living ninjas. They set up the play fight because let's be real, it's a play fight at the end where they have somebody dressed up like a ninja, somebody dressed up like a Spartan and then they reenact exactly what I would have done to impress my friends in the fourth grade. But they start that off with the ninja in a tree, like sneaking up behind him and like, okay,

well, if you're gonna do that, then it's over. You just won. Right? Like if you're gonna do that, you've already established the ninja has like, the ninja can use poison and then he's also ambushing him. Then like, it's a mate, the Spartan lives in their estimation

because he won in their like show, but you set it up so that he can just like murder him in his sleep Yeah, it's absolutely over which I believe is what Michael Lair the ninja guy advocates for he's like the ninja Which is murder him in his sleep like okay, then what are we doing? objectively Yeah, if you want a frontline soldier, that's what Samurai did. Ninjas specifically were like all about like friggin, you know, like doing stuff at night and in the shadows. Right.

So at the end of this show is anybody. I don't think Max Geiger, computer whiz. Anybody versus a box for stuff. A murderer. Anybody in the world. Any kind of super warrior versus just a murderer at night. Right. Right. It's like, yeah at night. Right.

Right. It's like, yeah, I think it'd be like Spartan versus son of Sam. Well, I guess son of Sam, like Jesus, I don't like Spartan. He could live normal 102 points. That's like more powerful than not having a robot. That's more powerful than the Christian murder looks normal. Yep. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Son of Sam in a rowboat, unsuppable. Mathematically. It looks normal. Yep. Oh, Jesus Christ. Son of Sam in a rowboat? Unstoppable. He killed that. Mathematically. 1,900 Frankfurt. 1,900 Frankfurt. In the podcast, come out. Und mit Maximale im Tchau. Tag Frankfurt podcast.

Correct. Yeah. The practice is not trapped. It is not ohne. Schick die in die Hunde saun. 4 eine Stunde. Komm schon. Du kippst die nummer. Ja! Die Kraft ist nicht trakt, ist nicht ohne! Schick die in die Hunde zaube!

Für eine Stunde! Komm schon! Du kiffst die Nummer! Eisner Hunde! Eisner Hunde! Frankfurt! Eisner Neue Neue! Eisner Hunde! Frankfurt! Eisner Hunde! Eisner Neue Neue Neue!

Ja! Neue I tell you! We call them The Supremes, Aaron Crossden, Adrian H, Aidan Moet, Alpha Scientist Jaffo, Unanti, aka The Battlehunk, Armando Nava, Benjamin Siranen, Bim Talzer,

Brandon Garlock, Brian Saylor, Burrito, Ceril, Tallser Brandon Garlock Brian Saylor Burrito Cerro Chase Histories Greatest Sandwich Assassin

Clementine Danger Craig Lemoy Quavus Dan B Daniel Sloan, master of mimicry. He could be any man-shaped tree, roughly the size of one Daniel Sloane. Devin the Rogue Supreme. David Shull.

Dean Costello. Tracy, who comes with sword and shield, battle platform, with real squirting action, sold separately. Dusty's rad title. Eric Riaugh. Every zig. Fancy's rad title, Eric Riaw, every zig, Fancy Shark. Gareth, whose kick force has been modeled at roughly 6.5 end of Blood Sports.

Jell-O, Greg Cunningham, Ham Bone, The Sultan of Insultan, a devastating master of Battlefield a battlefield insult comedy, and war improv. Haraka, Harvey Ben-Gweeney, Honk, Jaibur-El-Aden, James Boyd, Jared Mountain Man, who actually was supposed to be in a different simulation and just wants to know, what's going on here, guys? Jeff Eraskike Jim Salter Joc Dean

John McCammon John Minkoff Joseph Searls His weapons are the javelin and the javelina Say hello to the spear pick, you dead motherfucker Josh S Joshua Graves Justin B

Ken Paisley K&M Kyle Campbell throws a set of keys on the ground and ambushes you in the brief moment you stop to consider shit. Are those my keys? Lisa M. Jahi Chapelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Baroi. Michael Dillon is so dangerous because of two words. Spartan, swirly. Michael Lair. Mickey Lohman. Mike Stiles. Mojoo.

Mort was raised from the age of eight years old on a diet of punches and okra. Mr. Bob Gray N.D. Neil Bailey Neil Schaefer Nekku 104, whose primary weapon, ranged weapon, and special weapon is… Love? Nick Ralston

Ozzy Olin Patrick Herbst Rachel needs a mere 15 seconds to kill any opponent and 14 of those are just gloating. Riannon, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, Spoddy Reception, Supernaut, Ted H, Thomas Kovacos, the force of his spear strike can only be measured in atrocities. It's 1.7 atrocities. Timi Lehi, Toastie God, Tommy G, Velo, Booster, Whalen Russell, Yanis Ionitis, Good Satan and his hot witches knows

it's actually easy to kill a man, but it's hard to teach a man to fully live. And then kill him.