The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 163, Ghosts Can't Do It With Merritt K

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

Brockway murders Seanbaby and guest, Merritt K, so he can trap them on the ghost plain and use their supple young bodies to discuss Ghosts Can't Do it, John Derek's 1989 supernatural cuckold fetish documentary starring his wife, Bo Derek!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 Hot Dog, America's final website. There's none left. We are. We're it, baby. We're posted up on a boarded up dead mall, taking potshots at the zombies of websites we used to love.

Not because of hatred of the monsters they've become, but out of respect for what they once were. Come support us at patreon.com slash 1900 hotdog. Talented human comedians, write jokes with human hands. It sounds impossible, we're somehow making it work. I'm Robert Brockway and I'm the rich ghost possessing the body of my hunky co-host, Sean Baby. I'm here to fuck John Derek's wife.

Yeah! Aren't we all? And with us is our guest inexplicably wet and murderous. It's my RK. I mean, yeah, it's Thursday. So of course, you know, the only way to be. So there is an explanation. Yeah. Yeah. Get to be back. They're staying the words. Not not good to be back for this. I regret deeply ever mentioning this film.

Yeah, you picked this. I did. You picked this. I did. I hadn't seen it. You have done this. Yeah, I rather than myself. I feel very opposite.

I think this movie is extremely special and it boggles the mind that it's not in the conversation of worst films of all time, like, up there with the room and, you know, perdemic, those types of things. Like, this should be in the same conversation. We're teasing it. Let's get to plugs before we get into it, before we turn everybody completely off forever. Barry, where can people find more of you?

Yeah, I'm trying to spend less time online, but I am on Blue Sky and Instagram. I'm merrickkay.com on Blue Sky. And now that they opened it up, my numbers don't look as good as everyone else's. Because for a while there, I got on early and I was like, yeah, I have like 20,000 followers on here. Neil Gaiman's over there with like 10.

And now he's a 200. So it's a sad day. But uh, yeah, Neil, I think I'm a 12. Nice. 12 sound good. Nice. Yeah, I don't post it there yet, but we're old. Yeah, God. You know, this is the future, right? We're just desperately jumping ship from from text platform to text platform where we don't

have to dance. I think the only one who's figured out TikTok among anyone I know really is your co-host on Big Feeds. Yeah, Jason. TikTok star Jason Parjan. That's how we know. God bless. But I can't do it.

I need picture. I need text sometimes with images, like when I write for the site, but mostly just text and, uh, fewer and fewer. I love the text and images. This is going to sound crazy. I, I had a 2400 bod BBS, uh, that I ran back in the early nineties. So that's how long I've been doing internet. So when, so I skip every couple of things. So, you know, I skipped the. You ran it. You were a king. Yeah. No, I skip every couple of things. So you know, I skipped the friends.

You ran it. You were a king. Yeah, no, I had a whole BBS. You had a call in there with your landline. Wow. And I remember. It would generate anti-graphics that I drew myself. Hell, yeah. I was the talk of the town. I had the best anti-graphics in the Pacific Northwest. I was undisputed king of six nerds. He's a masked moderator who amazes us

with his antsy graphics. And one army guy. Yeah, one weird army guy who just happens to have all the tech. One weird army guy. Yeah. Speaking of old shit like that too, I have a book that's out finally. I feel like the last two times I was on,

I was like, hey, I'm working on this book, and it might come out at some point. It's out now. I feel like the last two times I was on, I was like, hey, I'm working on this book and it might come out at some point. It's out now. It's called Land Party. And it's a coffee table photo book. I don't know what people call it, photo book, I guess.

You can put it on your coffee table, but any hard surface will do. And it's pictures of land parties from the 90s to the 2010s. And they're dense with feelings. It's pictures of land parties from the 90s to the 2010s. And they're dense with feelings. Dense of feelings and with sort of like cultural imagery. You really see like around the 2000s, like anime becoming a big thing in the US. You see like new metal coming in as hip hop finally kind of

makes its way in this distorted form into the suburbs. All kinds of stuff happening. It was fun to look back at that era and get all these photos from people and carry them. There's some cool essays in the book as well about why land parties don't exist anymore and what they were like. People seem to really be liking the book. It's out now anywhere. People always ask, oh, where do you get the most money if I buy it? And it's like, it doesn't matter. Like it's, you know, I get royalties

from the publisher sells a book. So local bookstores, usually I'm gonna advocate for them because I like to keep them alive. But if you wanna get it on Amazon or that's your only option, it is on there. And yeah, go pick it up. It's going to be so hard. Like if you're under the age of 30, you probably have to pick up that book

just to understand history. Yeah. Because I can't explain land parties to you if you're under 30. That's like, you know, it's weird though is like, you guys have like an era where you're like, Oh, I was born in the wrong, the wrong time. Like for me, it's like, you know, New York when everything was still cheap and people were renting hotel rooms to make highly acclaimed art and music, right? Do you have a period like that where you're like, oh, I wish I could have been there.

Oh, I can tell you the night. And it's I lived through it. I knew that I was lucky enough to be one of the perfect area. It has to do with LAN parties. I might have told the story on the podcast even. My ex used to work at the WB local station and they ran Portland Wrestling out of there. So they had a little ring like jammed into this studio

that was barely larger than the ring. And so we'd go to her work and we'd bring two Xboxes and play Aintman, Halo Land Party. And then in between games, we would go fuck around in the wrestling ring. And it just occurred to me that this tonight is the best thing any of us will ever do without much.

You're never gonna make it. So you lived your period, yeah. I'm like, okay, this is the best thing any of us will ever do. You're never going to meet it. So you lived your period. Yeah. You don't have to. I'm like, okay, this is the perfect era, the perfect time. We did it a couple more times. Each time was magical. And then they took the ring out and I was like, well, there it goes.

I knew it was fleeting. Um, wow. That's so rare. That was my life. That's so rare. I feel like a lot of people don't have that. Like they, they, you don't realize it when it's happening or they, they feel like they missed it.

But a lot of young people, like people like, you know, in their early 20s have seen this book and been like, damn, I was born in the wrong era. And it's so funny to have people be like, I wish I was born in the wake of 9-11 or like around the wake of 9-11 playing Halo 2. That would be awesome.

It was so cool. Everyone was so carefree. No phones in sight. They're in the first dot com crash. Yeah. Right in the middle of that recession. Right. Yeah, it was great.

When we all realized our degrees were useless and we would never actually have a house or a job. That was wonderful. Classic. Mine is right before that. Mine is New Year's Eve 1999. I'll never beat that one. That was a disaster, but it was fun.

What'd you do? Yeah, what was that? It was in Portland. I was in Portland and God, we're gonna have to cut so much of the story. I can already tell. Some cocaine. Face slashed open and I like came

and bled all over apartment. It was wild, but lots of fun. So bad aftermath, but I guess that's actually the best kind of night is one where the night is great and then you could forget about the aftermath. Yeah, you don't count that. That's why I didn't say New Year's New Year's. It's not New Year's Day.

Yeah, right. 2000. Right. It's New Year's Eve. I anything that happened after midnight. No, thank you. I thought White UK was happening on New Year's Day 2000. Right, right. It's New Year's Eve. Anything that happened after midnight, no thank you. I thought Y2K was happening on New Year's Eve 99. Yeah, dude. Well, because I was at my friend's place, and I was like 12 or something,

and we were just like playing Dreamcast and stuff, and then we like ran outside and bang some pots and pans because we were kids and we came back in, tried to get online and go on the palace, which was like the chat program that we hung out on, and we couldn't get online. And we're like, oh shit, like it's happening. And it turned out that, yeah,

his dad had just forgotten to pay his internet bills. So. And they cut it right then to fuck with you. Yeah, on the day. See, none of us believed in Y2K because we were all fairly technologically literate and some of my friends were like coders. We're like, no, no, it's nothing. But then we started doing cocaine. And then that's when you believe in Y2K.

And that's when you're like, let's fucking do it. It's over. Midnight civilization is dead. I read a lot of the Y2K materials from like the crazies. So I had a lot of Christian stuff. And like their understanding of Y2K was so comical that it was hard to take seriously. Cause like they were like, your toasters will, you know, take will become part of those Lord Satan's army.

And you're like, wait a second, I don't think that's gonna happen. It'll be like that. I mean, I tried doing a bunch of cocaine. Transformers when, uh, yeah, the toaster comes to life. Yeah. It's like, that's a film. Yeah.

That's a hot filament. It does not have like a microchip. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The trucks will wage war on man. Yeah. There's only one person who will be able to save us. That's right. Emilio Estives. I love that. You thought it was Jesus. There's only one person who will be able to save us. That's right, Emilio Estevez. I love that one. You thought it was Jesus. It's not Jesus. No, no.

The video games are playing. Anyway, all of that's cut. All of that's cut. That's all gone. No, that's the podcast. I don't want to talk about this movie. What we're doing, what we're actually talking about today is a movie called Ghosts Can't Do It, directed by John Derek, husband-ish of Bo Derek. It might be closer. Yeah, yeah, somewhere between those. I can't be sired. First of many from Merritt, I'm sure.

Okay, so wait. I've just quick backstory on John Derek and Bo Derek. He was 47 when they first got involved. Do you know how old she was? 17. 17. That is a good guess, but I'm afraid she was only 16. Oh, they had to, they got married in Europe and had to stay there until she was 18.

So that he wouldn't be arrested for statutory rape when they came back to the US. Like all the greatest romance in the story. Right. You have to. So you've got to live in Europe for two years. I looked her up, of course, and I'm going to be the basic research you do before a podcast. And that was the first movie they did together, was a movie where she banged her adopted brother while the pervy grandpa lived with him. That was the first movie they did together. And then he

did Tarzan with her. And they explored, you know, what savagery might do to a pure innocent white woman. And then they explored that some more in a movie called Bolero, where a beautiful young virgin like sort of went on a Batman quest to lose her virginity to like the greatest lover around the world. And then they did this, which is, well, I guess we'll talk about the clear fetish of this film. But he really was exploring some real sexual stuff with this beautiful woman. He was working on getting deep into it. He was he was encouraging others to explore. Bo Derek is what he was doing.

Yeah. This movie is just with a with a it's a little bit of magical realism, a little bit of ghost dad. But otherwise, it's just it's just an autobiography from John Bo Derek. I've never seen anything like I've never seen such like just a person laid naked as an artist like this. Quite literally. Yeah. Gaping, one might say.

Just wet. No, I mean, Bo Derek is physically naked, but John Derek is spiritually naked. That's what I'm saying. Your know your whole ass is out there. Her whole ass is out there and your whole ass is out there. To the extent that he predicted his own death, because he made this movie autobiographical about a 50-year-old man that gets together with a virginal 16-year-old woman who looks like Bo Derrick, and then they both get wonderfully rich, And then he dies of a heart attack.

Oh, you mean John Derek did? He's going to die of a heart attack at around 70, which is what John Derek did. So he predicted this so hard. He laid his shit out so plainly that he predicted his own death in years in advance. And it was incredible. Let's just get into it. First of all, we've got to cover the intro. Oh, my God.

Because the intro is super bizarre. It looks like the introduction to like a Sega CD game or like a Panasonic CD I game where they didn't have enough money to actually make it full motion video. So it's just. But it's also kind of horror. Yeah, it's also it's like night trap. It's like it's all blurry, grainy, black and white photos of like Bo Derek

and horses screaming while people like mutter insanely in the background. You're like, what the fuck is this going to be? But I bring it up mostly for one specific moment that I hope everybody caught, which is when they introduce Leo Damien. Anybody else have this one? I don't think I noticed. Leo Damien, it plays the young buck there and they introduce him over a picture of a bull.

Oh, wow. See, you had the foresight. I just was- Right from the intro. I thought it was like a two-inch photo booth. I have to ask. Yes, it did exist. It did exist, okay. At the top. I thought it was like a two-inch photo booth. I have to ask. Yes, it did exist at the time. That wasn't invented by Odoi's sex toy in like 2014. It might have been invented by John and Bo Derek.

Okay. But they know what a bull is, and it's Leo Damien, as we will soon find out. So it opens with Anthony Quinn, who plays Scott, helping his wife, Katie, Bo Derek, just rustle up some cattle. And he appears to be he falls off. He's having a heart attack. Or as she says, what are we doing? And he says, we are having a heart attack. Yes, it's a great romance. They share life. Right. It's like we're having a baby. We're having a heart attack, you know, we're having a heart attack, baby. And she says, this was like, this was about how far I watched when Merit

suggested it before I knew like, oh, this is going to be insane. Yeah. She says to him, oh, great one. Tell me everything. Tell me again from the time I was born in your heart. And he answers back. Hey Will you let me bite your lip? Oh I don't think it'll kill me

And then she says I don't know it's pretty potent stuff. I wrote all this dialogue down I know me too. Yeah, what in the fuck I have lines of dialogue written and then just every few lines all caps What the fuck is happening Not precisely written by a human being This is not how humans react to anything also you don't call your lover. Oh great one and also I have a question Is Scott his first name or his last name or both? I think it's his last name. I Don't know everyone even his closest friends call him Scott. They call her Miss Scott.

But then later on, they pretty clearly... It's like sometimes it's both. And I think that's just so that they can make the joke great, Scott. Yes, that's why his nickname... But then she shortens his nickname even further to... To great one. Oh, great one. And that's how we're introduced to the character. Always a great decision. And then shortened even further to oh great one and that's how we're introduced to the character always a great decision and then shortened even further to Gronn.

So he chews on her lip for a while while he has a heart attack which is that's a thing people do for sure. Sure of course and Wranglin Cowboy runs up to give him a couple of shots in the belly just in case which I don't think is how you treat a heart attack. I'm not a doctor. No, I looked at this as a next parent and you do put that in the tummy. Do put it in the tummy. Yes. And it's weird that he had some.

And it's weird that the guy with the heart condition didn't know that this was how you treated a heart attack. I don't know. I'm just saying like, I had a lot of questions here to the point where I was looking up multiple like medical conditions just to try to apologize for the insane movie. And then I had it occurred to me that-

Okay, so that's real, but there's no excuse for him to panic like a toddler when he pulls out the needle until he goes, oh, I thought it was a rabies shot, which I- You did treat rabies in the stomach back then. You do. Big needle. He asks what she's going to do with Adam and she says, I will not cry. I will not wear ugly black.

I will go forward with your strength and live life to the fullest, sir. Those are the rules. These are highly left. It's like they have lovers rules? Yeah, that's so weird. Why can't they act? Why can't any of these professional actors act? This is Anthony Quinn. Yeah. Yeah. Is in is is this like what the fuck is he was in Lawrence of

Arabia. He was in the guns of Navarone. Like what the fuck is happening? Celebrate. He I would say this is proof he can act because we've seen him in other movies. He I would say this is proof he can act because we've seen him in other movies and he decided This is a decision to act like an insane baby in a grown man's body. Yes, okay? so he plays the entire thing like an insane baby that is like That is freshly amused by his hands the whole time just From start to finish just a giggly weird mumbly high baby. And that's a great decision, Anthony Quinn, when you're given this script. It was fucking bold.

You know what we haven't mentioned is the editing. Like, it's an art, you don't like notice it until you see someone learning how to do it after they got hired to cut a feature film. So like, when you're going through this movie, you're just like, I have no idea when or where this is or I don't know, it's so bad. Cuts ideally, like a movie is all about confusing

and dissociating the audience, right? Like you wanna shock them out of their daily existence. So you wanna cut abruptly and in random places and cut across in time and space as often as possible. And so we go to a hospital. Just we're at a hospital now. Yeah. And it's so it's so tough to convey how insane the editing is because they're like,

oh, yeah, we would cut from that scene to the hospital. No, they like they let things linger on way too long to where they're just like talking about parking and shit. And then it'll cut in the middle of a sentence to, to like half way across the world and somebody you've never met before. You're like, because we cut to the hospital, but then almost immediately we cut to he's out of the hospital. This is another great decision.

I think, I think if this had caught on, it would have changed filmmaking, which is where you actually don't show the difficult things to write, like the really big, exciting scenes that are kind of hard to write. Yeah. What you do is you cut to the heroes right after them going like, whoa, thank God, got out of that one, huh? Yeah. There's some writing that happened around here that cracked me up

because he couldn't get a heart transplant. His friend's like, now you're two old, if you cracked me up because he couldn't get a heart transplant. His friends like, now you're two old, if you're over 60, you don't get a heart. And he's like, is that true? And the guy's like, I don't fucking know. Like in the dialogue, they're like, I didn't look any of this up. I have no idea. It's the 80s. The internet hasn't been invented yet.

You can't just look. We have to actually go talk to someone. Yeah, we don't have that. That is authentic. I mean, you wouldn't know. You would just say something like, I think my someone. Yeah. We don't have that. That is authentic. I mean, you wouldn't know. You would just say something like, I think my aunt told me that. Don't trust me. I don't know.

There's no way to verify that. And Bo Derek is just like, while all this is happening, they just have shots of Bo Derek just like, just this beautiful arctic nymph like communing with nature, just random shots of him being pissed off about his heart. And then like, she's on a horse that's always dancing. Like she pops a wheelie on this horse. Hold on, we're not there yet. You're joking way ahead.

You're right that they cut to her outside. She's just playing with the dog during this scene. And she's, they don't cut to her like, that would be a decision is to cut to her and like, because I'm comparing contrast like how, how lighthearted her life is with like, yeah, with like, buthearted her life is with like yeah with like but no they show her like silently beyond the window like a

comedy bit just like wrestling with the dog while he's they're like I'm not gonna get the heart I've got to die and Bo Derek's just slap-fighting the dog in like a red toddler's snow suit and then where she's wearing a hat that is like an entire fox not Not quite yet. That happens soon too. The reason we can't skip it is we need to establish the way they talk to each other in this movie. And they've decided they talk to each other, these great lovers, like the worst high schoolers in love you've ever met. I have a clip.

Next is one. Why do I love you so ugly? Come on. This is a no no no no. I tell you when it's a no. Come on, put out your lip. Put out your lip. Come on, my little one. No-no. I tell you when it's a no-no. Now come on, put out your lip, put out your lip. Come on, I need one. So uncomfortable.

Yeah. I speak for everyone when I say I'll never have another erection. It's... It's... It's... It's sir, I believe it's sir Anthony Quinn. Yeah, probably. Fucking talking like that.

To Baudet. Come on, come on. It's a no-no. Come on, put out your lip. Come on. Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my hurt after all. And then we smash cut to Bo Derek wearing a full dead cat on her head. She's doing horse dressage in the snow while he like follows her in a truck. And as Sean said, she starts fucking wheeling a horse. Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

I didn't know that was a thing. And then like they go so far with this like manic pixie shit that there's just this substance, this long, substance-less nonsense. It's hard to say, but you know what I'm trying to say. Yeah, it's just it's spilling out of her. I it occurred to me around the third hat that I think Charlize Theron's arrested development characters got to be based on this, right? That's exactly right.

It's the exact hat, huh? Yes. That was like those weird beanies she starts wearing. She starts wearing like a Native American headdress, but as a beanie, as like a knit beanie. And she's just a beautiful idiot. So no one like notices. Right. Yeah.

And completely insane. Wear whatever she wants. Yeah. And does. So they go cross country skiing. They have a weird little conversation. Anyway, he he ends up being just really sad that he can't fuck her again. And that is what this movie is about. That's the theme of the movie is that I'm a very old man

because I married you as a virgin when you were a teenager. And now I'm sad that you still get to keep fucking, but I can't anymore. And I think you're supposed to feel bad for him. Yeah, no one's insecurities have ever been demonstrated this hard. No one's like artistic vision so expressed. On fuller display, just to completely unself-conscious, like he's just ripping out his heart and holding it out to the audience and saying, this is me. This is what I fear. What do you? God damn it. It sounds like art when you say it like that. It is. It's it has like an art thing to like, you know, when you're reading a

Heinle novel and you're like, I feel like this one's about like the limits of knowledge and understanding. And when you read like an Ernest Cline novel and you're like, I think this one's about how seeing the last starfighter makes you the most magical and special boy a person has ever been. But like here, it's just this guy saying, I wish I was younger so I could fuck my young wife forever. And also I have all the money and everybody loves me and thinks I'm so wonderful.

And if I can't get that, maybe you wanna fuck my wife? Wouldn't it be cool if you could just take over a younger person's body and fuck your wife, but you're young like her? Yeah, that's the movie, that's the movie. That's the movie. So, you know, if he if he actually got we've established if he actually got a younger dude's body, he would just find another teenager.

That's what he did the first time around. He's not going to want to fuck the 43 year old woman. I'm worried. Right. But I feel like that's subjective. Like that's an interpretation. The text itself, he very clearly is going beyond the specific woman. Yeah. But I think you're right.

I think even if John Derek doesn't think that, that's what would happen. He now shoots himself in the face. I'm sorry if that's a bro. Right. So it's very rough. So she he shoots himself in the face. I'm sorry if that's a bro. Right, sorry. It's a very rough. Yeah. Yeah. So she, he shoots himself in the face offscreen and she runs up and sees his suicide letter

and then starts arguing with it in the air. She yells, stop saying these things to the letter forgetting that he is currently a letter. Should be noted she's wearing like a pink Angora trench coat with a matching turban at this point. Beautiful. So got that. She calls him Great One again.

Yeah, that's true. Uh, he's the Great One. Which like, I have to assume Wayne Gretzky was pretty pissed off about this movie, right? Because like he canonically, I feel like is the Great One, right? I think they probably showed this to Wayne Gretzky. He had to sign off on it. He consulted. Yeah, yeah. They say, hey Wayne, if you're 30 years younger, what would you do with that boner? probably showed this to Wayne Gretzky. Do you think he had a sign on it? He consulted.

Yeah, yeah. He got a pretty good one. They say, hey, Wayne, if you're 30 years younger, what would you do with that boner? He's like, that's a really good question. Tell you what, you name the main character Great One, and I'll consult for free. There's only one answer.

If anybody actually, if they sat you down and showed you this movie, the only thing you could say is, I'm not going gonna fuck your wife. I've got 20 minutes in, John. I had sex with your wife, finished the movie. It's a weird movie, but I'm glad you had me over. I had a wonderful night. I did it, yeah, I did it 20 minutes ago, John.

Yeah, you can't say. You don't get to watch. Do you think I have some kind of republic serial villain? Every bull has rules, John. Guys, did you know? Then in 1981, John Derek put out his own Bo Derek trading cards? Yeah, because I know you.

All like this stuff is like right on the razor's edge of like adorable wife guy. And just like, yeah, what the fuck are you doing? Like it's like he is a husband slash pimp in many ways. Right. Yeah. I think it also has this, like, looking how hot my wife is, aren't I the best type of thing. Yeah. So because this is a very narcissistic movie to the point

where, like, it should be in the discussion of most narcissistic films of all time. Yes. Yes. So now, of course, he is trapped on the ghost plane. If you thought it wasn't the kind of movie where somebody's going to be trapped on the ghost plane if you thought it wasn't the kind of movie Where somebody is going to be trapped on the ghost yeah, there is an afterlame by the way Child's idea yeah, yeah

There's an angel there kind of a sexy older lady angel Yeah, sexy lady angel Who decides to play the role like she's just losing it on Molly. Like I don't know why she's doing. It's Julie Numar. It's Catwoman is the angel that is. Stop playing it like Catwoman. No, but she is Catwoman though. Yeah, she's she's got a sexy allure about her.

Yeah, I was like, it's her first day on the job. Right. I would get her water. Another thing John Derek likes to explore in his erotic wife art is like, what if it's this beautiful lady's first time bonin? So that was like his take on what a Christian angel might be. He tells that to her. She says it's my first day and he's like, hey, it was Katie's first day when I banged her.

It was her first day getting banged. He can't not bring it up. He's like, okay, the fuck? Yeah, no one asked, buddy. So she's at his funeral wearing an entire dead black sheepdog, just dressed like a fucking Skeksis with a veil, which he senses his ghostly presence and starts screaming at it, just screaming at the ghost in the air immediately

at full volume, just talking to him. Not for the first time, or the last time. Not for the last time. This is what she does throughout the whole movie, regardless of who's around. She starts having full volume, one-sided conversations. And the one move I really do appreciate from this movie is that John Derek does show people looking at her like, what the fuck are you doing? What is what is happening right now?

They don't say it because when you're this beautiful, you can just do whatever. Right. You could scream to your dead ghost husband. You screamed to your dead ghost wife in a restaurant. Yeah. People let me get away with fucking whatever I want. Yeah. Strip naked and dunk your head in a hot tub. They say let me get away with fucking whatever I want. Yeah. Strip naked and dunk your head in a hot tub.

They say, yes, please, handsome gentleman. It's, but this is like the first moment where you're like, okay, well, surely they're not going to do this the whole movie, right? Surely he will be on screen with her again and like they'll do it like every other ghost movie does where the rest of the actors do acting to pretend that he's not there. You don't actually, to have a ghost, it's like they came to the problem of having a ghost in a movie

from like a two year old's perspective and we're like, well, you can't, ghosts aren't real so we can't have a ghost in the movie. How are we gonna make them go through things and be transparent? That's, we can't do that. I guess we just have him in a closet that's kind of watery instead of just having him there and have other people act as if he isn't there.

Yeah, it was. Yes, he was. Frustrating that they did rotoscope a man or something. It's baffling or just having to be there and have people do acting. Just not acknowledge him. And it's like, I think it must be because Anthony Quinn was like, too expensive to do any of that. And was like, here's what I'll do. I'll stand in the sound closet.

Hotel shower. Yeah. I got a pool house. Hotel shower for one day and record all my lines. And that's all you're getting from me. And you cut it in and don't put in anything about me trying to fuck your wife, John. Like I don't want to. We talked about this.

Don't re-cut it. It's going to sound pedantic, but the editor is obviously terrible, but sometimes Bo Derek will scream into the sky to her husband and she'll look to the right. And then when it cuts to him, he'll be on the wrong side of her eye line. Yes. And it does, it happens so often that I'm just like of all the fucking, I mean, I, you can't even forgive it. Like she's talking in the wrong direction. Like they're doing a bit. Right.

Like he snuck up behind her. It's a ghost prank or something. It's, I don't know. Frustrating. The whole, the whole movie makes my skin crawl in little ways. And that's wonderful. It's impossible to talk about how badly made it is if it were just upsetting on a thematic or Content narrative level that would be one thing but it's and it is it is of course it is don't ever believe for a moment It isn't but it's also just from like a technical craft perspective One of like the most bafflingly made movies I've ever seen.

He has to know at this point how movies are made, right? Like he's gotten several. I don't think I've seen. No, I don't think I've seen as once before this, but. And there's yeah, but this is bad for a first try. Like it really is. Like I would, I have not made a movie, but I would not do all of these terrible things because I've seen movies because I know what they

are. You've seen movies, you know what a movie is. Yes. Anyway, before we get out of the funeral, he does thank her for inviting his horse to the funeral. He's a horse gambler. As if the horse had other, for inviting the horse, not bringing it. Yeah, that's a pretty sketchy one. So anyway, thanks for the funeral. Thanks for inviting Gambler.

That was a real nice thing to do. And then it cuts to the horse like the horse's morning. So she's yelling, they go back in the private. She's yelling at him for being selfish and killing himself. And he, this is his retort Take heart pills. Oh, I know. God. Fuck your pants.

No, I think she was saying like, you didn't have to blow your fucking head off and like scar everybody forever. You could have just taken pills and died. And he was saying quiche, real man don't eat quiche because pills are the quiche of suicide. And blowing your head off with a shotgun is the stake of suicide. But. So I ordered the steak, baby. And that OK, Real Men Don't Eat Keesh is a real book. And it came out as a reference. It's a reference. This book. But but it's like a satirical book.

It's not like a here's how to be a real dude. It's like, here's all the things that real dudes think they do. And it's like, oh, you can't eat a quiche. And I don't know why it has that cue sound in it. It's a little uncomfortable, maybe. I know, it's a cute little food. I have eaten quiche before and I'm so toxic. I'm such a fucking bro. Yeah, I always tell everyone that.

I write for this website and one of the guys is like, so toxic and just constantly eating quiche and it's really confusing. Yeah. So to snap her out of her funky tells her to jump up and push her titties out, which she does. I don't know if that helps her. He says titties out.

I just when Anthony Quinn says titties out, I felt like I was going to throw up. You want to listen? Yeah. I took like I was going to throw up. You want to listen? Yeah, I took my shirt off and then threw up. So it was a very confusing moment for me. Stand up titties out. OK. Wait, Anthony Quinn, the fuck? He demands to go on vacation, so we spend the rest of this movie as an excuse for John Bauderic to take a lovely vacation,

which they acknowledge in the credits. One of several vacations, I will say. Several, that's true. They go to Hong Kong, the Maldives and somewhere else. I don't remember. So we smash cut to. Oh, what a movie. Just to like to just so nakedly make a movie

about this thing you're obsessed with and then also turn it into an excuse to go on several expensive vacations. Yeah, it's not just a movie about how I am deeply afraid of mortality and the fact that my young, sexy wife will survive me and have sex with other men. Other men's penises will go inside her. It's also an Adam Sandler-esque, let's just go around the world and find an excuse to shoot movies on cruise ships and stuff, movie.

At least he has the decency to just do that though. If he also did that and started being like, you know what I like when women poop on me, I'm going to make a movie about that while on vacation. Like, come on, this is too far. So we smashed cut to her scuba diving. I'm going to call that I should go on IMDB and make sure there's no Adam Sandler movies about getting pooped on. You're right, that's not a safe bet. There's eleven.

You've totally caught it. All Star Rob Schneider. No Star Rob Schneider as the poop. You couldn't make that now though because of Woke and DEI. Yeah, she does this. I'm not gonna say that. So she listens to him. She goes on vacation and get over this.

And then we cut to her like, well, we cut to her taint for a long time. We cut to just her gooch as she scuba dives around. But then the second she comes up for air, she just goes, I fucking hate this. And then his ghost is there going like, ah, ah. Just haunting this shit out of her. They discovered that the human soul survives the physical destruction of the body and they're both just kind of annoyed about it.

Yeah. Of all of the reactions you could have, just like, ah, come on, is like, what? I'm trying to like sum up the vibe of this because all of the dialogue in this movie is completely insane. I am going to read this little part. She jumps up and says, God damn it, Scott, this really stinks. No, you know what it really does. It sucks.

He says, don't use that word. I'll work it out. I promise you when she says, promise me? You can't even swim with me. Damn. She says she can barely feel it when the ghost kisses her, but I guess she can kind of feel it. And she says, ghost can't do it, it's that simple.

There we go, title drop of the movie. I don't want you to name a movie, ghost can't do it. Like that's I Don't know it's just why wouldn't you name it titties out titties out titties out in the ghost play we'll just like go for like Artistic like John Derek is afraid to die And that his wife will survive him Phantom cock Anthony quit

800 word essay on it. Yeah, we're seeing a Bjork art movie like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, feels like to me. I don't think that's intentional. I think it's just bad. I think there's like, I think it's so bad that it's almost outside or art really is. Yeah, it's yeah. Yeah, it's like he didn't know he was making art, but he was. And yeah. And then because he had the pang of, oh, shit, am I making art? He's like, OK, take your shirt off. So now we just get the first instance of Bauderec tits.

And it's like, as if they were like, all right, we know. We know this is bad. We know it's bad. Look, we know the whole movie is bad, but here, here. And it's like- She doesn't just take her shirt off though. She strips completely naked in the middle of this conversation for no reason and then sits couched down in the sand.

Yep. As a young man looking for movies with nudity in them, this would have been a generous amount. Oh my God, absolutely. Yes. Yeah. She is fully nude, panning over her constantly. If you're looking for that, it's he, baby. For that reason, I am amazed that I never heard about this movie throughout the 90s.

Same. Because, you know, we were, it was like the movies that went around my school, like Wild Things was the main one, right? Mm-hmm. Because that has like a Matt Dillon, Nev Campbell, Denise Richards, Pool 3-some, I think. That's familiar, of course. Yeah, of course. It was a classic for that reason.

Yeah, we had a wild things themed marriage. The wedding was all wild. It was in a pool. You just slowly rise out of the pool. Yeah. Yeah. You, uh, yeah, you accuse someone of sexual assault. It's a whole thing.

Uh, yeah. But, uh, this movie, I don't know, you think, I don't know, Boterak, I guess, maybe Boterak was like a little out of the conversation by the 90s, but... I suppose. A little bit. I guess, but I don't know,

there's a lot of nudity in this. Like imagine going to a theater and just seeing this. I don't think that, you think this was a theater release? That would be incredible. Oh my god I think maybe I found a trailer for it, but I guess VHS movies had trailers to you back in the day Yeah, they had trailers would be fascinating It would be fascinating to see that like this vibe spread through like a theater and like the waves of understanding and Contempt and confusion

Around and what's this part? Oh understanding and contempt and confusion. You look around and find out that. What's this part? Oh. That there's just like three people and then an empty seat every, every three people, just two men and a woman each one. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I have the wrong movie.

Well, we're the right one. So my notes at this point. He ends this conversation. God damn, what are we doing here, John Derek? Hey, you want to see my wife naked? You can't keep, you said we were going to the dentist. You can't keep bringing people here. She, we get out of this conversation, a long story

chart of this is he agrees that he's going to try to possess somebody, specifically a younger, hotter man, because she's never had one before. She's only fucked him. And when he says, you want someone younger, I was only 50 when we started banging. But she wants to try an under 50 cock for a change. Yeah.

The older guy insecurity in this movie is just, it just drips off the screen. So thick. It's so thick. It's like the way that they write the character is like, oh, she's never ever had sex with anyone else. And oh, younger, but I was only 50. And it's like, man.

That's that fantasy trope you see a lot in movies. Like a splash, I think is the main prototype for that, where you're like, this is sexy woman, but she only knows one thing and it's you. And it's like- Right, her only other experience is just sort of laying her eggs and then having another mirror person come along and fertilize them.

Right. However, that was Bo Derek's life as we have found her. That's true. She was essentially abducted as a teenager by a 50 year old man. That must have been the conversation John Derek had with a lot of his honest friends is like, wow, so you're the only guy she's ever been with. That fucking vibrant, beautiful woman who's naked all over the place. It's the only ever slept with a 50-year-old man. The most desirable woman in the world. Wow. The only guy she's ever fucking slept with. Only one, huh?

That's great. That's gotta eat us, John. Just me, guys. Just me. You should really explore that with a feature film. Or me, John Derek. You're okay. Hey, say.

You can watch me do it. There's an idea. Anyway, he has the audacity. Or me John Derek. Hey say. You can watch me do it. Anyway, he has the audacity just this whole movie after putting a picture of the young man as the bull and just really laying his whole ass out. He has the audacity to end that conversation with this line. You mean you take another body and with this you'd make love to me? You bet I would. I mean, if it's possible. I don't know, Scott. That's kinky stuff. We've never been kinky. We've never been... you made a whole movie. Never been kinky.

Begging anybody that's seen it to come over and bang your wife and you're like, Have you been kinky? Have you reviewed that statement? Have you gotten your friends together and said, here's the stuff me and John do? A nearby boat pervert. Yes, the boat pervert, his line was, for here you look like a very beautiful person. I wrote it. What game, what incredible game. Yeah, the boat pervert sees her fully naked and yells, tries to cat-call her from like I want to say half a mile away on a boat

Yeah, which and he's not sure He's like you look you seem okay. I gotta get a little closer, but Vava I'm not gonna give you the full Vava boom, but I'll give you a va va Vava and then I'm gonna hold on to the boom until we land then you'll get both gonna give you half a whistle She rides into town this is the first time she spells it out where she says I can't talk to you You're a ghost. I'll look like an idiot. You're like, okay They're gonna stop this fucking bit and she proceeds to yell every single line of dialogue right in the face of everyone walking by For the rest of the movie. They ignore that. I don't know why they point it out just to ignore it.

And I feel like the audience is way ahead of the movie at this point, but when he finally comes on land, the boat guy comes up and the dead husband is like, okay, this is the guy I'm gonna steal this fucker's life. I'm gonna fuck you with this cock. You're like, God, we get it, Anthony Quinch. Yeah.

Come on, subtlety. And he introduces himself as Fausto. Yeah. You have to. And he's a beautiful man. That's gotta be Italian for like, gerbil wizard or something. Yeah, like, yeah. I don't know. I don't speak Italian.

Fausto. I think it means the devil's fish. It's gotta mean something like that. Okay. Wait, around when Fausto is introduced, though, she's talking to this guy who like continues to be a character throughout the movie and calls him your honor. He's a mayor. And he's the mayor?

Uh-huh, yeah. He's the mayor of your honor? No. Right, that's like a judge thing, right? That's a judge. But this was before the internet. Your great majesty. Yeah, right.

When you had like, you had a wrong idea and then you just said it and you had to wait for somebody to be like, what are you, an idiot? You're great majesty. Yeah, right. You're hiding. When you had like, you had a wrong idea and then you just said it and you had to wait for somebody to be like, what are you an idiot? Right. Yeah. It's like, well, we, you know, it's cut already. We can't do anything about it. I've heard his honor.

No, but fuck it's not. The mayor. I think it's like the honorable or like the right honorable. But like your honor, I don't know. I wouldn't, I wouldn't address this guy in particular as anything but scumbag. I would maybe call him Mr. Scumbag if he occupied a position of authority. He just bleeds scumbag. Real solid scumbag. Real Peter Laurie style. Just weasel.

We need to complicate this scenario even more. It's time to introduce the, I guess, diamond heist element. Pearl heist in this case. She has several million dollars of pearl sitting in an alarmed fishbowl hanging from the middle of her room. The black pearl. As people do, they hang their pearls in heavily alarmed fish bowls in the middle of their room. And she is going to sell them. And that's like, we got to keep that in the back of our mind, because that's going to pay off. One would hope. Also, to be clear, she's worth $2 billion. They're billionaires in 1980. Yeah. In 1980, they are billionaires for question mark business.

Yeah, business. For the business. This movie's idea of business is on the same level as, you know, Bojack Horseman, like the character of Vincent Adult Man, who's just like the two kids or like the three kids under a trench. That's like this movie's level of understanding of what business is. Oh, we do business, so we're billionaires, you know? We can prove that later with a certain guest star that we'll get to. That's true. God damn it. That part pisses me off. Jesus Christ, yeah.

Okay, can I just tell you how much Warren Buffett was worth in 1982? Two hundred and fifty million dollars. OK. Oh, so this would have been the richest man on the planet. So they are, I think at this point they would have been the richest people in the world. Yeah. So so that's why nobody's saying shit when she screams that she's going

to murder everyone around her to her dead ghost husband. They're like, she can do whatever. Right. She's like, a hundred times richer than anyone else on the planet. This is such a, God, you're such a fucking child, John Derek. Yeah, it's, yeah, it's a childish idea of what a lot of money is. Like, oh, a billion dollars. Doesn't that mean a lot of money is owned by like one person in 1980? Like.

We smash cut a scene to her fully nude again, scrubbing yourself down the rain because she needs to be, she needs to be wet like a fish throughout this movie. Like if there's a, if she realizes she's been dry for two scenes, she will run out of that scene and just dive bomb into the nearest pool of water. That actually happened several times. Yeah, she's a fish monster. She demands that he zap Fausto and steal his body because it's a lot better than just good.

And he's not entirely on board, so he goes to Ghost Peep on Fausto Garibaldi as his skinny dips, and then he sees his cock and now he's like, okay, let's do this. This is the guy. Let's fucking do it, dude. So now it's on, right? Now she understands that she has to kill this guy. She has to kill him and like get her dead ghost husband to zap him and possess him so that he can plow her.

Oh, they've never mentioned that up to this point. At this point, they just introduced the rule that like, like we're kind of just playing Calvin Ball with ghosts. Because they're like, oh, yeah, I you can only, a ghost can only possess someone at the moment of death, actually. They say that specifically later, but they seem to know that. Right, they just kind of know that now. They're like, oh, we have to kill him so I can possess him. And it's like, but if you kill him and you possessed him, wouldn't he still be like cut his head off? He still doesn't have a head. If you poison him with rat poison, he still like has massive organ failure, right? No, I don't know. I'd like to know some of those rules. I also like to know how often this happens.

Like does everyone who dies get shot a couple of days to like jump into a dead body? No, only the richest man on earth. He's so rich that God is going to give him some leeway. He's like, ah, that guy's fucking crazy, but he's so fucking rich. He did good. He had the highest score. That is money is, yeah, it's your high score when you die.

They discuss all of this. Well, she discusses the one-sided conversation about how she's going to kill Fausto Garibaldi with rat poison and have her ghost husband steal his cock, screams all of those lines directly into his face, and he loves it. He's just like, yeah, all right. Hell yeah. That's as sweet. I think killing Vosto Garibaldi was like the cause of like some Italian civil war at some point too. Like just, it's a crazy name.

It is so. I had a, why do they do the murder? Like they could have done a weird science thing. They, I mean, they're surrounded by Cherokee magic for the first 20 minutes. They could just summon a spirit or a tulpa. It'd be like, great totem, grant me a cock, with which to pound my hot wife. Do you want to be the richest guy in the world

who also gets to fuck Bo Derek? I like, you're gonna sort of just be like, checking this all out in the passenger seat, but it's so pretty legit. And he would probably be like, yeah, Falso is into that. Fausto Garibaldi, like I said, she sits there and screams, I'm going to give you rat poison until you die,

and Fausto just smiles and nods. He would just hold his breath until he died if she asked him to. Yeah, I think you're right. He is barely sentient. He is just there to exist. But there's no time because it's time, much like in the hit movie based on a total fabrication that is Bloodsport, it's time to go to Hong Kong. Oh, yes. Yeah, we got to jump to Hong Kong.

Because this is a subplot now, and we needed another subplot. We've got a ghost dad three-way going on. We've got a pearl heist that's going to happen. And now we need to have a business political thriller and fly to Hong Kong for that, because they want to go to Hong Kong for whatever. How much did they spend? Wikipedia doesn't have a budget for this.

And I can't find. Like I don't know. I can't find good numbers on it, but like they travel, they shoot in location in like three or four separate locations. And only one of them is in the U.S. Just every element of this is just as plain as could be what you're doing like you're not clever and I don't even know that you're trying to hide it this is just some kind of some kind of cuckolding scheme.

It's like it's not only is it cuckolding he's also like one of those guys who's like yeah I'm gonna spend all my money for me I'm gonna make a movie where I have to fly over the whole crew to Hong Kong and then to the Maldives and then to Nebraska. She's doing Fendom with him. God. They tell her they need her. I think I was really frustrated at this point

because they haven't done anything like a bit. You know what I mean? Yes. When I say, when you're like, I got a dead husband who can talk to me. He's like, okay, let's do the comedy bits. Yeah. Or the interesting bits. Let's do, or the, you know, interesting.

Where you're at having dinner and one of them is there and you're talking to him. Right. Or like you're playing cards and they're telling you what everyone else has. Like all the things you could use a ghost to do. Right. And here they finally get to that because she's now going to go into a meeting and he's going to do like Asian businessman, Serena de Bergeac. So he's going to like coach her as she does like the business deals.

And I thought, okay, finally, like after a fucking hour, we get to a single ghost bit. Well, they tell her, prefacing this, there's a cut that I really like. Or I don't think it's intentional, but they tell her like, Raiders are coming for your fortune. Like all these, these keen young businessmen are gonna chop up this entire empire. So you have to be a shark. And then they jump cut to her trying to eat noodles in the wind on a boat.

Just noodles slapping on the side of the face while she tries to chase him down with her mouth. Like, yeah. Silly hat montage. With her silly hats. So yeah, she has to do this whole meeting with her ghost husband and like all of the great scenes, like all of the hard to write interesting scenes in this movie, we just cut to the end of it when they're like, whew, all right, that's something, huh? We did it. The meeting is with Donald Trump.

We're gonna get to it. It's happened. Fucking Trump's in this movie. He looks like such a fucking dumb ass in this scene. I mean, everybody hates Trump, but I mean like, he's zooming on him, he's like trying to look all cool and smart, and he's like got these like pursed lips.

Like he looks so fucking stupid. Look, obviously he fucking sucks shit, but like he can be a very funny guy. And he has none of that in this movie. Like he says things that are very, very objectively funny. If you were a stand up comedian, I think he would kill. But in this movie, it's just nothing. He's giving us nothing.

And also, I don't really understand why he's in this because unless like, are they out like a Hong Kong hotel that he owns because that was his whole deal in the 80s and 90s, right? It's like he's in Home Alone 2 because they shoot at a hotel that he's in. And his deal was, I'll let you shoot here if I can be in the movie. But this is not like a- No, you called this earlier.

This is business. This represents capital B of business. He is a businessman. Now, there's a weird note that I have here, because she says he's pretty. She looks at Donald Trump. I have that. I have that clip.

OK. If you want to play that, let's play it. This has been interesting. Tomorrow at 11, we will vote, and that will settle it for now. But be assured, Mrs. Scott, that in this room, there are knives sharp enough to cut you to the bone and hearts cold enough to eat yours as our derv's. You're such a sweet little ass, honey. You're too pretty to be bad.

You know that. Yes. Okay. So that's troubling and disgusting. But that's the second time I've seen that. John Oliver played a clip where he was like an episode of CSI and the actress said like, oh, so you're not just a pretty face. And he gave her like a little, like a weird little wet kiss. And like, so I feel like that's a note that Donald Trump brings to directors is like, hey, can one of the people call me pretty? Yeah, they gotta see him. So there's probably a Home Alone 2 deleted scene where Macaulay Calkin is like, hey, can one of the people call me pretty? Yeah, they've got to see him. So there's probably a Home Alone 2 deleted scene

where Macaulay Calkin's like, sir, you are so pretty. Can you show me where the bathroom is? He absolutely uses that Steven Seagal writer where like, nobody can hit me. Like I can't look bad for even a second. You have to tell me I'm the best all the time. You can't just be good at business. You have to tell me I'm the best. Yeah You have to be else to be really pretty. She's yeah, not a word. I don't I think I've ever heard anyone associate with with

Donald So he's absurd. No, but he's pulling her role He says that right that you said Brock what you said that he can't ever lose But like later in the scene the the main character Vodir is supposed to win the negotiations and does but then Donald Trump comes back for a second scene to be like No, you didn't actually beat me. You've won the situation Argument against me Donald Trump. So I feel like this had to have been filmed in his hotel and he had a lot of like yes Yeah, he has that he has that sigal that that Vin Diesel writer We're like nobody nobody can he can't be seen losing for even a second. Yeah.

So even though she has to win this, he came in and said, no, no, no. She doesn't win. She doesn't win my Leisure Shield. She can win this situation, but she doesn't get to beat me. I also get to win. We both get to win, but I get to win more. In a way he wins, because this is one of the most insecure films ever made, and Donald Trump comes in and says, let me show you real insecurity.

Right. He won up some. And now we get to possibly the most insane scene in this movie. Where Bo Derek is swimming in a pool in this hotel in Hong Kong. And there's a guy with a gun who is trying to shoot her friend and Scott's friend, Win, Winston, I guess. And he is, like, perving on her. And she's just like, oh, that's so cute and Defenses how a woman is beautiful no defenses against a pool pervert

He's introduced to the scene because she's showering after getting out of the pool And she looks over to see him just like smiling and looking at her and her first instinct is to apologize for being nude in the shower in front of him. And it takes her like, they show it. They show like three minutes of her going, slowly working it out like, oh, did you, you're watching me on purpose. You like to, you're doing the bad thing. Oh no, does that mean I'm in trouble?

I wrote down the dialogue like word for word in what happens next. So. All right. She notices that he is like actively perving on her. She runs away and like jumps into the pool to try to hide. And there's like comedy music as he's chasing her. And she says, it's funny. No.

I can't let you rape me. And, uh, he says something and she says, there's a lot of rapes in this world. And he replies a lot of killings too. And at this point, he's standing outside the pool and she's in the pool and she says, yeah, but there are more rapes. Like she's crying. This is that old Hollywood dialogue, that tit for tat pity of pattern. Right, that just rap fire, boom, boom, boom, boom. That Altman-esque dialogue, we love that. And he says, do you want to get raped? And she replies, yes, every day, if my other choice is killed.

Written by John Derek. About his wife. God, this was so troubling. I'm really glad you read that because I had it written down too. It was so troubling. Oh my God. John Derek, you wrote this about your wife. What the fuck is happening? It's a little thing, but I like how to read it. Oh, Trouble Ang, oh my God. John Derek, you wrote this about your wife.

What the fuck is happening? It's a little thing, but I like how she realizes she's in trouble in the shower where she's wet and she decides she needs to run out and jump in the pools where she can be more wet. Died, but the pool, the water is, you know, it's her power source, right? So. Yes.

So she's swimming, well, swimming completely nude, completely, pointlessly nude, trying to convince this man to rape her. While he is pointing a gun at her. For business reasons, ostensibly. So now the bad guy wants her to take pills. And these are not murder pills, they're just sleep pills so that she will sleep through the business meeting

because that's the plan. There's no rape and murder. That was an overreaction to the pervert and shower. So now her ghost. It was a fine reaction. I agree. I know it was an understandable reaction, but his intentions were actually relatively benign.

He simply wouldn't just drug her so that she would miss the business meeting, although he does threaten to insert the pills like a suppository if she does not take them orally. Well, I would say he does do that because the line is I will, you swallow the pills or I'll give them to you like a suppository. Then she pulls him in the water and he says the exact same line again. Swallow the pills or I'll give them to you like a suppository.

I don't know. I think he was probably supposed to say something different, but then we smashed cut to her in her bathroom with her ass in the air being all drugged. So like you're supposed to infer, he shoved these pills up her ass and waited for them to dissolve. Yes, and what we forgot,

like the filmmaker sometimes forgot, is that the ghost was there the whole time. So the ghost was actually giving her tips. He's like, take the pills and like hide them in the side of your mouth and make him think that you swallowed them. Cause he's not a genius. Right.

He's just. Classic prick. He thinks he invented that. At this point, when she wakes up in the hotel with her ass up in the air, I'm like, wasn't this a movie about about Anthony Quinn trying to find a new body at some point? Like, this was that, right? Like, I didn't make that up and this wasn't a different completely move. No, no, this is this is every movie.

Right. This is just any movie that they can make a little mini movie as an excuse to write off a trip to say, Hong Kong. Yeah. Yeah. What can we do in Hong Kong? We can I've got this great scene. It's about rape and it ends with an elderly mob gentleman shoving pills up your ass.

Look, I want to see the Cal-oon-Wallad City before it's demolished in 1993. So we got to go to Hong Kong, all right? And like all of the great scenes in this movie, the great hard-to-write scenes that would be so interesting, we cut to the end where Scott at the ghost is laughing and saying, ha, ha, we busted their balls.

They won off screen. And the next scene is that scene with in the boardroom with Trump refusing to admit that he actually was beaten. It was only that she beat the situation and then she has to agree. I think she says you like to cause mischief, don't you? Yes. And he like smiles smuggling and, like, yes, I do. So he hired the old goon that almost raped her

and shumped pills up her ass. Right. It seems right. It's the implication. Trump hired them and did all of that. That was his mischief. We did miss the part where she tries to escape her host hell room, which I guess is locked out the air vents.

Yeah, they're a little die hard. She tries to do a little die hard, but we just cut from her trying locked out the air vents. Yeah, that's a little diehard. She tries to do a little diehard but we just cut from her trying to do the diehard right to oh we won because we don't really feel like writing that. Because it would be hard to write that. You would have to be like how did, what did she do next? I don't know. She wins is what the script says. Yeah, yeah. I like, I liked that he taught the ghost doctor through her set of them. He's like you just got to think I'm awake. Come on. I'm Come on. I don't think I'm awake. Come on. Why aren't you more awake? Don't just ten out of bounds. Just think you're awake. Oh And now we're on the train

We're on a train and now we're not on the train and now we're on a plane When is sort of a character we kind kind of skipped over his introduction right it doesn't really matter all you need to know is that he's another older man That really wants to fuck her and right but respectfully as respectfully is like you could I suppose he's like yeah I've kind of always been into you and I know you like older guys My man, maybe you think of me as a romantic. Hey, your husband's dead, right? Yeah Death of the body with pills. What? The soul survives the physical death of the body? Oh, shit. All right. Well, never mind. Never mind.

Let's think about it. Anyway, does he want to watch us? Fuck. I bet he does. And we we taste it's a tasteful metaphor for that where when in her are back on the island, they're at a bar in the rain, of course, and when wants to dance, but he would never dance. Hard quotes on dance here. So so they get to have a three way dance session across the ghost plane with with Win and

and Scott and her all all dancing together, just dancing her from both ends. I love this because when you said you never dance and then she kind of wiggles and struts around. And I think this might be the biggest disconnect between someone's actual dancing ability and like a crowd and a movie's reaction to that dancing ability.

Yes, absolutely. Like if this was a comedy about a woman who couldn't dance, you wouldn't have to reshoot a single second of it. Yeah, no, she is not dancing. It's like some Elaine Seinfeld level dancing. It's yeah. And it's just like them hanging out with like the mayor and Fausto and a priest. Fausto Garibaldi.

You've ever seen Mac and me? Of fucking course. I owned it on VHS. Great. Well, there's this, you know, the scene where Mac is dressed up like a teddy bear and goes to McDonald's and starts dancing. Yeah, of course I do. And everyone's like, holy shit, this is the greatest dancing I've ever seen. And it sucks.

The fucking teddy bear can't dance for shit. That's what this scene is like. It's much like that. And she doesn't even have the excuse of not having had any Coca-Cola recently, which is the only thing that can fuel Max's dancing abilities. Oh, she's had some, some sort of Coca-Cola. She's had those six pills. She's had some Coke.

She's had that. She's on those ants. Yeah. She somehow dumps water on herself in the rain. She has some flash dancing. As the flash dance thing. It just eats total shit. Only it hits her so hard she falls down, but nobody comments on it.

Like it, it was legitimately funny that she just like like yeah, you dumped like 40 gallons of water on yourself It would knock you on your ass also wait there is a line where Anthony Quinn says We're better than any of them even that kid with the one glove Okay, yeah, you're better than Michael Jackson up here. Yeah, she's better than Michael Jackson OK, yeah, you're better than Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah, she's better than Michael Jackson. More called Johnson, more called Johnson. But the priest is scandalized by this. By her three really stupid and unsexy dancing.

Like it's not even like she's doing just as sexy dancing. It's like really stupid dancing. She's doing. It's not scandalized. He's so horny. He loses his mind. Yes, is what happens. We they show it very clearly in several takes of him just getting hornier. He's so scatly, he's so horny, he loses his mind. Yes. Is what happens.

They show it very clearly in several takes of him just getting horny. We just look at a priest's face as he gets as horny as anybody's been on film. And then, and he can't take it anymore, he stops the music and tells her that God commands her to stop, she agrees, and so he starts molesting her. He just grabs her all over, squeezes her to him and says,

I'm going to take the devil from your body while just feeling her up. And Anthony Quinn, Scott, over on the ghost plane, thinks that's fucking hilarious. Look at that. That's like so good. Like, you just go up to someone and be like, I'm gonna take the devil from your body. Check this out. But it only works if you have a really stupid little pony tail on the back of your head. Like the priest does. It only works if you're a really horny priest. It's only for horny priests. And I. But Anthony Quinn thinks that's fucking. The move boxes is out of the picture now.

Yeah. But. And the way the scene starts playing. Even for this movie, what a weird scene. Yeah. Scene has nothing to do with the rest. It's like, this is a scene from a movie about like dancing being forbidden by the religious authorities

on this little island community. This has nothing to do with anything. It is forbidden by the religious authorities. It is, but that's never- She basically grabbed her and made her stop dancing. But coming back as a sexy young guy named Fausto is totally OK by God, but kind of dancing in a really unsuggestive manner is like not good. We hate that.

As we learned from that priest, the devil is stored in the butt. If you have to grab him right out of Bo Derek's ass. Yeah. So we smashed cut weirdly out of that crazy scene that went on way too long. To Bo Derek just in a village yelling, I can't kill him like right in front of right in front of wind. Everybody's just no fucking. He's she can't have scheme.

This lady. We got some other stuff. I don't know if this is before or after because I didn't. I think I didn't write on everything because I my my time watching this movie is like a fugue state to me. But there are other women in the movie now. Like brief. Oh, that's way after. That's way after. Okay. Yeah. Right now they're introducing for the first time Scott says in all my research I find rat poison is the simplest. Research? So that implies that he's been researching how to kill men in heaven. The library in heaven? Yeah, heaven has a murder library.

And when after she just yells, I can't kill him with rat poison, when it's just like you're so beautiful. And Scott looks over at him and says, I can't stand to see a man slump like a sack of shit in a horse or an elephant. And then we pan out to show him riding an elephant. What a fucking pan out. Yes.

Why is he riding an elephant? Yes. And now she is riding an elephant. And she rides it. And now there are other women in the movie and they're on a train. Yes. And it's like, who are these people? They're just talking about Bo Derek.

They, okay, we find out. I can't believe that. And same thing you just said is going to be true, Sean. The movie thinks they're here to buy the pearls. They're the remember that one, remember that other movie we introduced into this movie and then forgot about for, for a different movie. We're still doing that. It's still a, it's still like a pearl heist-ish kind of thing.

So they're the buyers for the pearls and they're coming in by train. And in a cute little moment, the train is named Katie and the station is named Scott. I don't think that means no, it means that they own the train station because they're silly years because they're a hundred times richer than literally anyone else on the planet. They own everything. And what they do with their buyers is they start a game of beach baseball with with their buyers. This is some pretty elegant screenwriting because the woman

fielding first base, like here's her screaming at the sky. And she's like, I noticed you having to be talking to a ghost. Did you know I'm a white witch? That's right. The first woman you've talked to in the entire film has the magic powers necessary to tell you what to do. You need to steal that douchebag's body. Here's how that works. And she's here to buy the pearls.

Okay. Can I just say though, the woman who does that, who's earlier is on the train and talking about boob jobs with her friend while they're talking about Bo Derek, she like is in this beach baseball game and like is it's almost like she's challenging Bo Derek in terms of nudity. She's like, I'm going to be as nude as it is possible to be without technically being nude because she's wearing like a white tank top that has been slashed to pieces that is just barely covering her tits and is like, hey, what's up? I'm a white witch.

I know shit. I can talk to ghosts and stuff. And also I'm barely wearing any clothes. And I'm like, you're my favorite character in this movie. I wish this movie was about you. She's so good. But I'm not sure I're my favorite character in the movie. I wish this movie was about you. She's so good. But I'm not sure I've ever seen a dumber thing. No, it's extremely stupid.

The first baseman, she's playing first base when, when Bo Derek runs up screaming, I'm going to murder this young man. And she's like, oh, sweet, you're going to murder me. I know how to do that. I've heard that before where your lover died. They're going to kill a guy so that he can possess his body at the time of death and you can have fuck him again. Yeah, okay God, she's just without knowing anymore. She's totally on board. Yeah And she's the one that introduces finally tells them you can only occupy this body at the exact moment of death

Even though the entire movie they've already been acting like they did that. They just forgot. And she, but the watch asks, well, but how would you even do that? And Bo Derek still standing on first base says rat poison, and then runs to the next base. Yes. And also like at this point, talk to your next inning. I love that she knows the exact rules about possession. Like she's like, at this point. Talk to your next inning. Yeah. I love that she knows the exact rules about possession. Like, she's like, oh, yeah, no, I've seen this before. It's all fine. But also, like, at this point in the movie, it's like this movie, they wrote a movie where they're like, oh, we know what's going to happen later.

And so the characters do also, right? Like, of course, because we can't write a character. We know what's going to happen. How could we write a character who doesn't know? And like up to this point, Falstow has not been like a huge piece of shit. Like he's just a hot dipshit who has done nothing wrong. Exactly. Like he wasn't the guy perving on her on the boat. He wasn't like the guy who was Amy.

He was the guy perving on the boat. Oh, he was the guy perving on the boat. Okay. But she was nude and he was like, hey, you look pretty cool. He had pointed gun in her. Out of the men? What the men in this movie have done to her? Yeah, and that's what I'm saying. He is the gentlest man. Exactly, but they're all like, oh, of course we all agree that he's a huge piece of shit

and he deserves to die so that your husband can possess him. Right, he's had 1.5 lines and they've been, most of them have been Fausto Garibaldi. Later on, okay, we maybe discover that there is something up with him, but up to this point, it's like, he's just some fucking guy. No, they plan to murder him when he's done absolutely nothing except for exist and be a beautiful idiot.

And then he later proves you were right to murder me. And I think it occurred to John Dare, the brilliant screenwriter, at this moment that, oh right, we can't have the main heroes of the film kill an innocent man. I need to make this guy an asshole. But then he never went back earlier in the screenplay and put that in. The timing is totally off. Yeah, it's like the bad stuff he does is after they've already decided to kill him.

You would assume, based on any movie, based on just knowing what movies are, that you know what's gonna happen from here on out. And that's that, oh, oh, she's being pressured to kill this guy by her husband who's passed on. She's gotta learn to love this beautiful idiot and then move on. That's what a movie would be. That's what a movie would be.

And the husband is like the antagonist now. No, no, they're gonna kill him. Yeah, the conflict is she's not interested in murder. She doesn't want to murder and he wants her to murder. That's the conflict now. Well, she's sitting there explaining that conflict. She's laying sideways on a bench looking at a vial of rat poison saying, I'm going to use this rat poison to kill Fausto Garibaldi so that my husband can possess his cock

and plow it into me. And Fausto Garibaldi is standing right behind her and goes, Hi, I'm Fausto Garibaldi. He hears all of this and he loves it. He thinks it's just fine. He has no concept of mortality. I can't die. He maybe thinks they're talking

about a different Fausto Garibaldi, but that can't be. She tells him not to go near the fishbowl. He laughs and goes near the fishbowl and all of the alarms in the world go off that the entire island hears them as we establish it several miles away back at the beach party.

Yeah, the mayor hears it. Yeah, Wynn, who is now plowing the beach, which they both perk up and are like, Oh my God, that alarm. And they have to, uh, they have to jump on a scooter and like make this several mile journey there. But Falstow Garibaldi does not give a shit. He does not understand consequences. Like they have not happened to him in his life.

So he's still just playing with the fishbowl as alarms go off. He has no idea that's why the alarms are going off. He's, wow, he's a loud house. Why is your fish screaming? I'm fast, go get a ball. She gets a harpoon gun and puts it at him. Is it a harpoon gun? No, no, no, that's a stand machine gun.

It's a stand. It's a machine gun. But it also kind of looks like an E-11 blaster from Star Wars. But I was pretty sure it's harpoon gun? No, no, no, that's a Stan gun. It's a Stan. It's a machine gun. But it also kind of looks like an E-11 blaster from Star Wars, but I was pretty sure it's a Stan gun because I'm a fucking dweeb. Yeah, you're a qualitative player. Yeah, I thought it was a harpoon gun. Yeah, it's a British World War II.

World War II. First one. It's kind of right on with a machine gun. Yeah, she has an antique machine gun. It's the funniest gun. Like he says, get a gun. I is expecting any gun other than handgun fucking side loading Yeah, a trench. Somehow the harpoon gun makes more sense, right?

What the hell are you talking about? And also now he's a rapist also because they're like, oh shit we need to make him look really bad so that it's fine And so now he's a rapist also. So Scott is telling him murder the man shoot the man to death She's yelling I'm going to shoot the man to death. And Fausto is just like, hey, you're looking real good. So she knocks him down and is about to brain him with what I wrote down in the first place is a vase. And Fausto Caribaldi is like,

ha ha, you're gonna hit me with that face. She's like, yeah, yeah, we're gonna hit you. We find out later, she says, it was a war club. She got him. It's like. A, yeah, we're gonna hit you. We find out later, she says, it was a war club. She got him. It's like. A African war club. Yeah.

A pull-on African war club. And she does. She does just cave a skull in with a war club. It doesn't kill him. So she's supposed to pour the rat poison into his lips and she just can't do it. She can't do it. She says, I'm so sorry.

And Scott on the ghost plane says, I don't need sorry. I need body. I am always saying that, you know? Someone's like, I need body. I'm like, I don't need sorry. I need body, OK? And then he says, I think that gives up. Disarm me in an argument.

If my wife said that to me, I'd be like, I guess we don't know. Yeah, any body, baby. I think of this when he gives up and says that as you could say, I am out of here. I am his... And then there's a huge whoosh and an engine roar like he took a ghost jet boat out of that scene. Yeah. Yeah. And so when and the beach which show up along with the entire island on a bus, they left

on a scooter. Yes. They've arrived, they left on scooters alone and have arrived with the entire island on a bus. They had their full adventure off camera. Their combiner transformers, they combine from scooters into a bus, yeah. I want to watch their movie. There were native masks, they each have like elemental powers that pick up from something.

When in the beach? Which come in this fall, it's a whole thing. The mayor is there. He tells Fausto Garobaldi, he's such a bad boy. He's going to figure out a punishment for him later. And like everybody's like, oh, that's a normal thing to say. I'm going to put him. She's so upset that Scott has left her on his ghost jet boat that she runs outside and shoves her head in a hot tub

and then it starts pouring rain because she has to be fully wet now. Yeah. Fully wet, fully wet and murderous at all times. Yeah, no, much like Quiet from Melger Solid 5, she has to be wet at all times and is completely for story Yeah, for story reasons story reasons for story reasons to breathe. It's not just that John's what? wanted to see his wife wet all the time it's when you know the reason why she has to be you'll be ashamed of your words and deeds

So Scott's back up in heaven hanging out with just the worst angel of all time who's letting him repeatedly try to murder a man on earth and like she's just fired on her first day, right? Yeah, I mean, she's like just chilling, right? She's like, I fucking suck at this shit. But in five years, they're going to make a movie with my name in the title. So what do I care? Right? She has that Gen Z work ethic where she's just like,

man, you're not rewarding me for this. I'm not gonna try at this. There's no reward. I'm not getting any affirmation for my effort. I can't believe they got Julie Newmar in this, but I guess what was she doing in the eighties, right? She was 20 years off Batman or whatever. And so she finally just now warns him that maybe he's going to help her repeatedly trying to murder this gorgeous idiot so that he can steal his flesh cock.

Yes. Just now, he's like, oh, what? And he acts like this is a surprise. He's like, whoa, whoa. I feel like floating that idea gets you to help. You kill someone? If there's a transitionary period, it's like, oh, you're not in heaven yet. OK, hold on a second. What if I murder somebody and take his cock and bang my wife?

Like, OK. God loves that. I think we're. I think it's a no. She tells him. Yeah. She tells him, you can't go back to Earth because there are no shotguns in heaven.

That's so true. Because like, if he could just blow his brains out in heaven, he'd go back to Earth. That's like Dragon Ball rules, you know? You die in heaven, just go back. That implies everyone in heaven is like hatching schemes to kill themselves to get back to Earth. There's just like, hands. That's implications of that line. That's so insane.

But I think she calls hell the boogie man pit, or someone does it. I have that written down, the boogie man pit. Maybe the boogie hole? Yeah. Would it go back in the boogie hole? Is that something to get like Chinese distribution? Yeah, yeah, that was such a big deal in 1980. You know, we didn't say Christian God. In China, yeah, the Chinese audience. Yeah, it's gonna send, because it's not just gonna send him to hell, it's gonna send Bo Derek to hell if she kills. Do you know that killing someone is bad, is frowned upon by the Christian God?

I think it might be one of the rules that he said, you shouldn't do. But they both act like this is just like a new concept that's been introduced when they're like, oh, this is the act three wrinkled that resets everything. This might be bad. Thou can't I can't kill.

You're saying thou shall not kill. And I'm just hearing this for the first time right now. So we have a debate about that. And then Katie runs into what looks like, I don't know, Maldives Bar Mitzvah of some kind. Just like a lovely young girl going through some sort of ceremony and everybody's smiling and she's runs in screeching to the sky that she's okay with burning in hell as long as her husband can come back and bang her one more time.

And nobody says anything to her because she's so rich and beautiful. Just like, and you're really ruining this for my kid. But all right. She runs out and grabs a catamaran to break Fausto Garibaldi out of prison so that she can kill him. Yes. Yes. Yes. It's a great, so her dead husband can inhabit his body

and then they can just fuck. Put his penis inside. Yes. With unlimited money. Yeah. But he's not in prison because the mayor took a boat ride with him for fun and forgot where that was. Yeah. Oh, God.

What is, I feel like there's something with the mayor in this movie. And it's so weirdly specific that I feel like it has to be something, the mayor has to be based on someone that they knew. That's me. Yeah, what is? That just foiled their plans to fuck.

What is the implication? By like taking people on various boat trips and stuff. It's like such a weird character, totally superfluous. Is he like the Epstein pilot? What is this? I really liked how she was like, I was like, tell me where Fausto went. And she's like getting violent with him.

She's like, I'm going to fuck you up if you don't tell me where he went. Like she's getting information like she's daredevil, which is like this total new element for the character, which I thought was an interesting direction to take her. But he doesn't know. Everything in the scene is telling you, oh, there's something going on with the mayor and Fausto. And then how this scene ends is like,

somebody else runs in and says, Fausto Garibaldi is out diving for pearls. And she goes, that's where he is. I'm going to go kill him. And then runs off screen. Yes. And so we have to end concluding that, no, the mayor just took Fausto out for a fun boat ride

and forgot. Mm-hmm. Yep. Why not? Yeah. Sometimes people just take fun boat rides. She fun boat ride and forgot. Mm-hmm. Yep. Why not? Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes people just take fun boat rides. She had to beat it out of him, but...

It's cinema variété, right? Like, look, maybe it's not conventional narrative, but this is how people live. And I feel like John Derrick is really respecting that in his filmmaking technique. Yes. The screenplay now has to have her find a swimming man. So she goes to where she thought he was swimming and then someone runs up and screams, there's someone in the water! There's someone swimming nearby! There's a strange driver in the pearl bed! Yes, she's like that must be you. They say the words Fausto Garibaldi is in the pearl bed.

Because he was a pearl thief the whole time. That was his whole thing. Which is a great thing to say. And so now we are OK. We're at the finale with a lot of spinning plates, and we've got to we've got to conclude them. She has to decide if she's going to kill Fausto, how she's going to do it. Is Fausto going to fight back? Is he is he's still, you know, trying to be this master thief thing? Is is any of this going to work out? Yes, it's already over.

We smash cut right past that. They run up to the dock and uh, and Scott says, ah, he's bound up in the lines down there. He's already dead. Yeah. Yeah, he died. He died off screen. Well, she was coming out to confront him because they didn't want to write that scene. So she and Wynn dive in to save Fausto Garibaldi and did anybody figure out why Fausto Garibaldi died underwater here? Because of his greed. Because he's wearing a scuba tank and a snorkel. That might do it.

Yeah. Not connected. Beautiful idiot. Oh my God. Beautiful idiot. Put him strapped on a scuba tank and then put on a snorkel. Is it going to work? Yeah, this is what it looks like.

I like how they give a mouth to mouth while he's still in the water. I thought that was an interesting choice. That's good. Good. What? Nobody knows what anything is in this movie. Yeah, no one. I mean like.

They know the full. They're the richest people in the world. Medical procedure to treat a heart attack. Like, oh, you got to do it in the stomach. You're like, OK, cool. I know that, but he's like, I've never seen mouth to mouth before. Wait, you're saying that he got too much water inside of him and then he stopped moving. I didn't even know that that's a way people could die.

Like, but water is really sexy. Deal with that. I don't want to put more water in him. More water. Yeah. That's more water. More water. Enough water. So so water. He's not enough water. So Fausto Garibaldi, she gives him mouth to mouth until he comes back to life. And Anthony Quinn closes his eyes and makes a face like, I'm going to finish.

And then he finishes by jumping bodies back into Fausto Garibaldi. So they all got exactly what they wanted from the start, two no consequences whatsoever. Great movie, wonderful movie. I figured you'd click this scene where Anthony Quingos bring it back. Give him to me. Give me that one precious second.

Give me that hard, young cock. Ha ha ha ha ha. It gets real real. Those tall, young balls. Yeah, they hard cut and he's talking with Scott's voice now and they hard cut to their marriage with a mumbling priest in Wyoming. Yep, they're getting married now. They are married and then they cut again. They're banging in a horse stable.

Before they, I want to talk about what they're wearing when they get married because I wrote, in my notes, I wrote she is wearing a Marianne kind of outfit and he is wearing a turtleneck and a tweed jacket which is not what anyone has ever worn to a wedding in history. Or maybe ever. Ever. Nobody knows how anything works. Nobody's seen. Yeah.

Now they're fucking in a barn. Nobody's seen. Yeah, nothing. Even the most impressive designer is insane on this one. Now they're fucking in a barn while their horse washes. Yeah. Yes, they're fucking in a horse stable. Well, they have just fucked in a horse stable and they fucked so much that Bo Derek is trying to run away but her legs don't work. She's like, I can't do it anymore. You're too young and virile.

I can't fuck anymore. You're fucking me too hard. Your masculine power has somehow exhausted my inexhaustible feminine sexuality. John Derek. John Derek. I mean, Scott's so great a baldy. Right. I wrote down, are you having fun with this body?

Let's make all the bells on Earth ring. As he slithers over the haystacks like a snake to keep fucking his tormented wife. This is, at this point I wrote that this is absolutely the fantasy of an impotent old man who is terrified at the prospect of a multi-orgasmic younger woman who can't outlast him and he's just like, yeah, I'm gonna fuck you until you can't fuck anymore. What do you like that? I was Fausto Garibaldi. I'd show her. If I was named something cool like Fausto Garibaldi,

it's a happy ending. Scott has possessed a corpse so he can simultaneously watch and be the hot young bull plowing his wife. It's every John Derek stream. And it's come and they're riding horses in the snow, but Scott can't quite remember how to ride a horse anymore. Right. And I have to ask, is is Felsinger Baldy now in the the water room and is he scheming to come back or like what's his is he

as an even younger man? Yeah, like is or is he been erased because he wasn't rich enough? He's just overwritten like an old hard drive. There just wasn't enough of him. So the last guy was here just took your body. Also, like, as if you needed any more evidence that this movie was produced by people who don't know how movies are made, the credits are really weird.

Like, they're fucking crazy. There's like the first, I have a few written down, one of them is Jerry Spence as Wyoming preacher and then in parentheses, who taught us about wetsuits. That's the first credit. That's the first credit. That's the first credit. The tops.

The most important part goes to the bit, the preacher who was in for, I want to say, 30 seconds at the start of the movie and taught us about wetsuits. What about him? He taught us. What is there to teach? What do you need? You do it and you put them on. You put them on.

Do you know, do you, do you ever written down what the Trump thing was? The Trump, Trump's credit says, and yes, that really was Donald Trump. Like anyone else has like a fucking cotton candy comb over like, yeah, we know who it was. They filmed in Wyoming, Maldives, Sri Lanka and Hong Kong, but they somehow couldn't afford to get Anthony Quinn on set or just couldn't figure out how to do it, which I thought was crazy. Also, one weird thing about this movie is that a woman named Imaging Spence, her first name is Imaging, Imaging Spence was in this movie and her husband was this semi-famous lawyer named Jerry Spence, who, if you look Jerry Spence up. Who taught him about wetsuits. He did not teach him about wetsuits, but if you look Jerry Spence up and his spell with a G instead of a J, he looks a lot like Anthony Quinn's character in this movie.

Like it's suspicious. Suspicious. Well, Jerry Spence is the one who taught them about wetsuits. The Wyoming preacher. He was actually blind. No, you're right. Yes, he is. And Imagining Spence was also in this movie. Was his what?

Is his weirdo wife. And Imagining Spence was also in this movie. Was his what? Is his weirdo wife? And Jerry Spence's style, I think he's no longer with us, but he looks know, he is still with us. He's like 100 years old or something. He looks a lot like John Derek in this movie. So maybe it's his life story. And the very last credits in this movie just say, thank you, Eduardo and Moshe. You were a great pleasure. These are all the people he swung with.

These are just a bunch of swaps that is done there. That is the clearest. That is such a straight-ass thank you card to the swing and couple that plowed your wife, but did your ghost cock role play with your young young wife? I can't fucking believe this movie exists and that we don't talk about it every day. I know.

The fact that I only heard about it a few weeks ago and the only reason I heard about it is I don't even remember what I was posting about but but someone on Blue Sky was like, oh, and as we all know, ghosts can't do it. And I was like, what is that? And I looked it up and was like, this is not real. This is not a real film. I and you were right. I'm just like, it's amazing.

I feel like I know about a lot of movies already, right? Like I was a big MST3K person. I watched a lot of Rift tracks. I like watching these just like really poorly made productions, but I had never heard of this ever. And it's like, is it just so abysmal and so just like such a psychic assault that we've agreed to just kind of collectively forget about it? It's fucking madness. It's fucking madness. It's straight madness.

It's, I can't believe, I can't believe John Derek found a way to write off like $3 million in cuckolding funds. Like he just said, I'm gonna travel the world and get cucked and it's gonna cost $3 million. And baby, I'm to write it all off. The IRS is going to deal with that. I have terrible news.

In the time between us deciding to do this movie and us recording this podcast, the actor who played Wynn passed away at 94 on February 2nd. So at least he got to bang that white witch. At least he got to bang that white witch, you know? Mm-hmm. He's... I'd like to believe he's still out there possessing the body of a younger man. He's probably in a much younger man, no. Einstein, Hundert, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hundert, Frankfurt!

Who's the podcast? Come out! Und mit Maximale im Schau! Talk Frankfurt podcast? Korrekt! Ja! Der Craft ist nicht Tracked, ist nicht ohne! Shit die in der Hunde saubt! Die o eine Stünde! Komm schon!

Du kippst die Nummer! Eisnerhundern! Eisnerhundern! Freigverd! Eisnerhundern! Freigverd! Eisnerhundern! Freigverd!

Eisnerhundern! Eisnerhundern! Eisnerhundern! Eisnerhundern! Eisnerhundern! Freigverd! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis!

I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! I'm St. Louis, Louis! Factors, our fight scientist, Cyberspacically, simgeneered the greatest warriors in history. We call them the Supremes. Aaron Crosston. Adrian H. Aidan Moat.

Alpha scientist Jaffo. Unanti, aka the Battlehunk. Armando Navarra. Benjamin Sironin Bim Talzer Brandon Garlock Brian Saylor Burrito

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just wants to know. What's going on here guys? Jeff Eraski. Jim Salter. Joc Dean. John McCammon. John Minkoff. Joseph Searls. His weapons are the javelin and the javelina. Say hello to the spear pig you dead motherfucker. Josh S. Joshua Graves Justin B. Ken Paisley K&M. Kyle Campbell throws a set of keys on the ground and ambushes you in the brief moment you stop to consider shit. Are those my keys? Lisa. M. Jahi Chapelle. Mark Mahoney. Matt Riley.

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of punches and okra. Mr Bob Gray, N.D. Neil Bailey, Neil Schaefer, Nekka 104, whose primary weapon, ranged weapon, and special weapon is… Love? Nick Ralston Ozzy Olen Patrick Herbst

Rachel needs a mere 15 seconds to kill any opponent and 14 of those are just gloating Rhiannon Zarkovsky Sean Chase Spotty Reception Supernaught. Ted H. Thomas Kovatsos, the force of his spear strike, can only be measured in atrocities.

It's 1.7 atrocities. Timi Lehi. Toastie God. Tommy G. Velo. Booster, Whalen Russell, Yannis Ionitis, Good Satan and his Hot Witches Nose. It's actually easy to kill a man, but it's hard to teach a man to fully live. And then kill him!