The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 163, Ghosts Can't Do It With Merritt K

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

Brockway murders Seanbaby and guest, Merritt K, so he can trap them on the ghost plain and use their supple young bodies to discuss Ghosts Can't Do it, John Derek's 1989 supernatural cuckold fetish documentary starring his wife, Bo Derek!

1-900-HOT-DOG 1-900-HOT-DOG Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DOG 1-900-HOTDOG 1-900-HOTDOG 1-900-HOTDOG 1-900-HOTDOG Yeah, 9000. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-HOT-DOG, America's final website.

There's none left. We are, we're it, baby. We're posted up on a boarded up dead mall taking pot shots at the zombies of websites we used to love. Not because of hatred of the monsters they've become, but out of respect for what they once were. Come support us, patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. Talented human comedians write jokes with human hands. It sounds impossible, we're somehow making it work. I'm Robert Brockway, and I'm the rich ghost possessing the body of my hunky co-host Sean, baby. I'm here to fuck John Derrick's wife.

Yeehaw! Aren't we all? And with us is our guest, inexplicably wet and murderous, it's Merritt Kaye. I mean, yeah, it's Thursday, so of course, you know. The only way to be. So there is an explanation. The only way to be. Yeah, yeah.

Good to be back, boys. Wet their stay in the woods. Not good to be back for this. I regret deeply ever mentioning this film yeah you picked this i did you picked this don't you front i hadn't seen it you have done this yeah i wrote this myself i feel very opposite i think this movie is extremely special and i it's it boggles the mind that it's not in the conversation of worst films of all time, like Up There with The Room and Birdemic, those types of things. Like, this should be in the same conversation.

We're teasing it. Let's get to plugs before we get into it, before we turn everybody completely off forever. Barrett, where can people find more of you? Yeah, I'm trying to spend less time online, but I am on sky and instagram i'm merrick k.com i'm blue sky and now that they opened it up uh my numbers don't look as good as everyone else's because for a while there i got on early and i was like i have like 20 000 followers on here neil gaiman's over there with like 10 and uh now he's a now he's a 200 so it's uh uh it's a sad day but uh yeah neil i think i'm a 12 nice 12 sound good nice i haven't posted there yet but uh we're old yeah god that's happening you know this is the future right we're just desperately

jumping ship from from text platform to text platform where we don't have to dance i think the only one who's figured out tiktok among anyone i know really is uh is your co-host on jason bigfeets jason tiktok star jason pargin that's uh that's how we know but i can't i can't do it i I need text, sometimes with images, like when I write for the site, but mostly just text. And fewer and fewer places for that. I love the text and images. This is going to sound crazy. I had a 2400 baud BBS that I ran back in the early 90s.

So that's how long I've been doing internet. So I skip every couple of things. So I skipped the French script. You were king. Yeah, no, I had a whole BBS. doing internet so yeah when so i skip every couple of things so you know yeah i skipped you ran it you were king yeah no i had a whole bbs you had a call in there with your landline and uh oh i remember it would generate antsy graphics that i drew myself and uh hell yeah i was the talk of the town i had the best antsy graphics in the pac Northwest. I was undisputed king of six nerds. Who is this masked moderator who amazes us with his Antigraphics? And one army guy.

Yeah, one weird army guy who just happens to have all the tech. One weird army guy. Yeah. Speaking of old shit like that, too, I have a book that's out finally. I feel like the last few times I was on, I was like, hey, I'm working on this book and it might come out at some point. It's out now. It's called Lamparty and it's a coffee table photo book.

I don't know what people call it. Photo book, I guess. You can put it on your coffee table, but any hard surface will do. And it's pictures of lamparties from the 90s to the 2010s. They're dense with feelings. Dense with feelings and with sort of like cultural imagery. You really see like around the 2000s, like anime becoming a big thing in the US. You see like nu metal coming in as hip hop finally kind of makes its way in this distorted form into the suburbs uh all kinds

of stuff happening and uh it was fun to look back at that era and get all these photos from people and curate them and there's some cool essays in the book as well about why land parties don't exist anymore and what they were like and uh people seem to really be liking the book so it's out now anywhere uh people always ask like oh where where do you get the most money if i buy it and it's like it doesn't matter like it's you know they i get royalties when the publisher sells a book so local bookstores usually i'm going to advocate for them because i like to keep them alive uh But if you want to get it on Amazon or that's your only option, it is on there.

And yeah, go pick it up. It's going to be so hard. Like if you're under the age of 30, you probably have to pick up that book just to understand history. Yeah. I can't explain LAN parties to you if you're under 30

you know what's weird though is like you guys have like an era where you're like oh i was born in the wrong the wrong time like for me it's like you know new york when everything was still cheap and people were renting hotel rooms to make highly acclaimed art and music, right? Do you have a period like that where you're like, oh, I wish I could have been there? Oh, I can tell you the night. And I lived through it. I knew that I was lucky enough to be born in the perfect area. It has to do with land parties.

I might have told this story on the podcast even. My ex used to work at the WB local station, and they ran Portland Wrestling out of there. So they had a little ring jammed into the studio that was barely larger than the ring. And so we'd go to her work and we'd bring two Xboxes and play Ant-Man Halo Land Party. And then in between games, we would go fuck around in the wrestling ring. And it

just occurred to me that this is it. Tonight is the best thing any of us will ever do with our lives. You're never going to beat it. So you lived your period. Yeah. I'm like, okay, this is the best thing any of us will ever do with our lives. You're never going to beat it. So you lived your period. Yeah. I'm like, okay,

this is the perfect era. The perfect time. We did it a couple more times. Each time was magical. And then they took the ring out and I was like, well, there it goes. I knew it was fleeting.

Wow. That's so rare. That was my life. That's so rare. I feel like a lot of people don't have that. Like they, they don't realize it when it's happening or they, they feel like they missed it. But a lot young people like people like you know in their early 20s have seen this

book and been like damn i was born in the wrong era and it's so funny to have people be like i wish i was born in the wake of 9-11 or like around the wake of 9-11 playing halo 2 that would be awesome it was cool. Everyone was so carefree. No phones in sight. During the first dot-com crash. Yeah. Right in the middle of that recession. Right. Yeah, it was great.

When we all realized our degrees were useless and we would never actually have a house or a job. That was wonderful. Classic. Now, mine is right before that. Mine is New Year's Eve 1999. I'll never beat that one. That was a disaster, but it was fun. What'd you do?

Yeah, what was that? I was in Portland. I was in Portland. And God, we're going to have to cut so much of the story. I can already tell. Some cocaine face lashed open. And I came and bled all over her apartment. It was wild, uh lots of fun so bad aftermath but i guess that's actually the best kind of night is one where the

night is great and then you could forget about the aftermath yeah you don't count that's why i didn't say new year's new year's it's not new year's day yeah right 2000 right right it's new year's eve i uh anything that happened after midnight, no thank you. I thought Y2K was happening on New Year's Eve 99. Yeah, dude. Well, because I was at my friend's place and I was like 12 or something. And we were just like playing Dreamcast and stuff. And then we like ran outside and banged some pots and pans because we were kids.

And we came back in, tried to get online and go on the Palace, which was like the chat program that we hung out on and we couldn't get online and we're like oh shit like it's happening and it turned out that uh yeah his dad had just forgotten to pay his internet bill so and they cut it right yeah on the day see i none of us believed in y2k because we were i we were all fairly fairly technologically literate. And some of my friends were like coders. We're like, no, no, it's nothing. But then we started doing cocaine. And that, you know, sharpened your sense of certainty and calmness, right?

Yes. That's when you're like, let's fucking do it. It's over. At midnight, civilization is dead. I read a lot of the Y2K materials from like the crazies so i had a lot of christian stuff and like their understanding of y2k was so comical that it was hard to take seriously because like they were like your toasters will you know take will become part of those lord satan's army and you're like wait i don't think that's gonna happen it'll be like i'm gonna try doing a bunch of that scene in Transformers when the toaster comes to life.

Yeah. And starts trying to kill you. That's a hot filament. It does not have like a microchip. They're like, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. The trucks will wage war on man. There's only one person who will be able to save us.

That's right. Emilio Estevez. I love that love that you thought it was jesus it's not jesus no no the video games are playing anyway all that's cut all that's cut yeah that's all gone that's the podcast i don't want to talk about this movie what we're doing what we're actually talking about today is a movie called Ghosts Can't Do It, directed by John Derrick, husband-ish of Bo Derrick. Pip, it might be closer. Yeah, somewhere between those. Heavy sigh. First of many from Merritt, I'm sure okay so wait i'm just quick backstory on john derrick and bo derrick he was 47 when they first got involved do you know how old she was 17 17 that is a good guess but i'm afraid she was only 16 oh they had to they got married in europe and had to stay there until

she was 18 so that he wouldn't be arrested for statutory rape when they came back to the u.s like all like all the greatest romance you know you gotta live in europe for two years i looked her up of course and i'm gonna be uh the basic research you do before podcast and that was the first movie they did together uh was a movie where uh she banged her adopted brother while the pervy grandpa lived with them. That was the first movie they did together. And then he did Tarzan with her. And they explored, you know, what savag Bolero, where a beautiful young virgin, like, sort of went on a Batman quest to lose her virginity to, like, the greatest lover around the world. And then they did this, which is, well, I guess we'll talk about the clear fetish of this film.

But he really was exploring some real sexual stuff with this beautiful woman. Yeah, he was working on, he was getting deep into it. He was encouraging others to explore Bo Derek is what he was doing. This movie is just, it's a little bit of magical realism, a little bit of Ghost Dad. But otherwise, it's just an autobiography from John and Bo Derek. I've never seen anything like, I've never seen such, like, just a person laid naked as an artist like this. Quite literally. Yeah.

Gaping, one might say. Just wet. No, I mean, Bo Derek is physically naked, but John Derek is spiritually naked. Yes, that's what I'm saying. We know your whole ass is out there. Her whole'm saying. We know your whole ass is out there. Her whole ass is out there and your whole ass is out there. To the extent that he predicted his own death because he made this movie autobiographical

about a 50-year-old man that gets together with a virginal 16-year-old woman who looks like Bo Derrick and then they both get wonderfully rich and then he dies of a heart attack. Oh, you mean John Derek did? He's going to die of a heart attack at around 70, which is what John Derek did. So he predicted this so hard.

He laid his shit out so plainly that he predicted his own death years in advance, and it was incredible. Let's just get into it. First of we gotta cover the intro because the intro it's super bizarre it looks like the introduction to like a sega cd game or like a panasonic cdi game where they didn't have enough money to actually make it full motion video so it's just but it's also kind of horror yeah it's also it's like night trap it's like it because it's all blurry grainy black and white photos of like beau derrick and horses screaming while people like mutter insanely in the background you're like what the fuck is this gonna be uh but i bring it up mostly for one

specific moment that i hope everybody caught which which is when they introduce Leo Damien. Anybody else have this one? I don't think I noticed. Leo Damien plays the young buck there, and they introduce him over a picture of a bull. Oh. Wow. See, you had the foresight.

Right from the intro. I thought it was like a two-man show photo booth. I have to ask yes the term existed at the time that wasn't invented by it might have been invented by John and Bo Derek okay but they know what a bull is

and it's Leo Damien as we will soon find out so it opens with Anthony Quinn who plays Scott helping his wife katie uh boat derrick just rustle up some cattle uh and he appears to be he falls off he's having a heart attack or as she says what are we doing and he says we are having a heart attack yes it's it's a great romance so they share life right it's like we're having a baby. We're having a heart attack.

You know, we're having a heart attack, baby. And she says this was like this is about how far I watched when Merritt suggested it before I knew like, oh, this is going to be insane. Yeah. She says to him, oh, great one. Tell me everything. Tell me again from the time I was born in your heart. And he answers back. Hey, will you let me bite your lip?

Oh, I don't think it'll kill me. And then she says, I don't know, it's pretty potent stuff. I wrote all this dialogue down because I was like, what in the fuck is happening? I have lines of dialogue written and then just every few lines, all caps, what the fuck is happening?

Because this is not written by a human being. This is not how humans react to anything. Also, you don't call your lover, oh, great one. Oh, great one. And also, I have a question. Is Scott his first name or his last name or both? I think it's his last name. I don't know.

Because everyone, even his closest friends, call him Scott. They call her Miss Scott. But then later on, they pretty clearly... It's like sometimes it's both. And I think that's just so that they can make the joke Great Scott. Yes, that's why his nickname. But then she shortens his nickname even further to Oh Great One. And that's how we're introduced to the character.

Always a great decision. And then shortened even further to a great one. And that's how we're introduced to the character. Always a great decision. And then shortened even further to Gron. So he chews on her lip for a while while he has a heart attack, which is... That's a thing people do, for sure. Sure, of course. And a wrangling cowboy runs up to give him a couple of shots in the belly just in case,

which I don't think is how you treat a heart attack. I'm not a doctor. No, I looked it up. I don't know. This is an ex-parent, and you do put shots in the belly just in case, which I don't think is how you treat a heart attack. I'm not a doctor. No, I looked it up. I don't know. This is an ex-parent, and you do put that in the tummy. You do put it in the tummy. Yes. And it's weird that he had some, and it's weird that the guy with the heart condition

didn't know that this was how you treated a heart attack. I don't know. I'm just saying, like, I had a lot of questions here to the point where i was looking up multiple like like medical conditions just to try to apologize for the insane movie and then okay so that's real but there's no excuse for him to panic like a toddler when he pulls out the needle until he goes oh i thought it was a rabies shot which i you did treat rabies in the stomach back then you do uh he asks what she's going to do without him. And she says, I will not cry. I will not wear ugly black.

I will go forward with your strength and live life to the fullest, sir. Those are the rules. It's nice that they have lover's rules. Yeah, that's so weird. Why can't they act? Why can't any of these professional actors act? This is Anthony Quinn. Yeah. Yeah. Is this. weird why can't they act why can't any of these professional actors this is anthony quinn yeah yeah is in is is this like what the fuck is he was in lawrence of arabia he was in the guns of

navarone like what the fuck is happening celebrated actor he i would say this is proof he can act because we've seen him in other movies and he decided this is a decision to act like an insane baby in a grown man's body. Yes. Okay. And so he plays the entire thing like an insane baby that is like, that is freshly amused by his hands the whole time. Just from start to finish, just a giggly, weird, mumbly high baby. And that's a great decision, Anthony Quinn. When you're given this script, it's fucking bold.

You know what we haven't mentioned is the editing. It's an art. You don't notice it until you see someone learning how to do it after they got hired to cut a feature film. So when you're going through this movie, you're just like, I have no idea when or where this is. I don't know. It's so bad. Cuts, ideally, like a movie is all about confusing and dissociating the audience, right? Like you want to shock them out of their daily existence. So you want to cut abruptly and in random places and cut across in time and space as often as possible and uh so we go to a hospital

just we're at a hospital now yeah and uh uh it's so it's so tough to convey how insane the editing is because they're like oh yeah you would cut from that scene to the hospital no they like they let scenes linger on way too long to where they're just like talking about parking and shit and then it'll cut in the middle of a sentence to to like halfway across the world and somebody you've never met before you're like because we cut to the hospital but then almost immediately we cut to he's out of the hospital this is another great decision i think i think if this had caught on, it would have changed filmmaking, which is where you actually don't show the difficult things to write, like the really big, exciting scenes that are kind of hard to write. Yeah.

What you do is you cut to the heroes right after them going like, whoo! Thank God. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Got out of that one, huh? Yeah. Saves a lot of money. There's some writing that happened around here that cracked me up because he couldn't get a heart transplant. His friend's like, no, you're too old.

If you're over 60, you don't get a heart. And he's like, is that true? And the guy's like, I don't fucking know. In the dialogue, they're like, I didn't look any of this up. I have no idea. Like, it's the 80s. The internet hasn't been invented yet. We can't just look.

We'd have to actually go talk to someone. Yeah. We don't have that. That is authentic. I mean, you wouldn't know. You would just say something like, I think my aunt told me that. Don't trust me. I don't know.

There's no way to verify that. And Bo Derek is just like, while all this is happening, they just have shots of Bo Derek, just this beautiful Arctic nymph communing with nature. Just random shots of him being pissed off about his heart. And then she's on a horse that's always dancing like she pops a wheelie on this horse i'll just hold on we're not there yet you're joking way ahead you're right that they cut to her outside she's just playing with the dog during this scene and she's they don't cut to her like that would be a decision is to cut to her and like because i'm comparing contrast like how how light-hearted her life is

with like yeah yeah with like. Yeah. Yeah. With like, but no, they show her like silently beyond the window, like a comedy bit, just like wrestling with the dog. They're like, I'm not going to get a heart. I'm going to die. Bo Derek's slap fighting the dog in like a red toddler snowsuit. Is this the bit where she's wearing a hat that is like an entire fox? Not quite yet.

That happens soon, too. The reason we can't skip it is we need to establish the way they talk to each other in this movie. And they've decided they talk to each other, these great lovers, like the worst high schoolers in love you've ever met. I have a clip why do i love you so ugly come on give me the lip this is a no-no. I tell you when it's a no-no. Now come on, put out your lip, put out your lip. Come on, my little, my little no-no. So uncomfortable. Yeah. I speak for everyone when I say I'll never have another erection.

It's, it's Sir, I believe it's Sir Anthony Quinn. Yeah, probably. Fucking talking like that to Bo Derek. Come on, come on. Come on, put out your lip. Come on. Fucking shut up. Don't do this. This is illegal.

Oh, great. Anyway, that's all to like. You are my husband. That's all to like get her to kiss him. She does kiss him and it does hurt after all. And then we smash cut to Bo Derek wearing a full dead cat on her head she's doing horse dressage in the snow while he like follows her in a truck and as sean said she starts fucking wheelieing a horse yeah it's pretty sweet i didn't know that was a thing and then like

they go so far with this like manic pixie shit that there's just this substance this long substanceless nonsense it's hard to say but you know what i'm trying to say yeah there's just this substance, this long substance lists nonsense. It's hard to say, but you know what I'm trying to say? Yeah. It's just, it's spilling out of her. I, it occurred to me around the third hat that I think Charlize Theron's

arrested development characters got to be based on this, right? That's exactly right. It's the exact hat, huh? Those like those weird beanies she starts wearing. She starts wearing like a native American headdress, but a beanie it's like a knit beanie and she's just a beautiful idiot so no one like notices right yeah and completely insane wear whatever she wants yeah and does

so they they go they go cross-country skiing they They have a weird little conversation. Anyway, he ends up being just really sad that he can't fuck her again. And that is what this movie is about. That's the theme of the movie is that I'm a very old man because I married you as a virgin when you were a teenager. And now I'm sad that you still get to keep fucking, but I can't anymore. And I think you're supposed to feel bad for him yeah no one's insecurities have ever been demonstrated this hard no one's like artistic vision so expressed on fuller display just a completely unselfconscious like he's just ripping out his heart and holding it out to the audience and saying this is me this is what i fear what are you god damn it it sounds

like art when you say it like that. It is. It has like an art thing to- Like, you know when you're reading a Heinlein novel and you're like, I feel like this one's about like the limits of knowledge and understanding. And when you read like an Ernest Cline novel and you're like, I think this one's about how

seeing the last starfighter makes you the most magical and special boy a person has ever been. But like here, it's just this guy saying, I wish I was younger so I could fuck my young wife forever. And also I have all the money and everybody loves me and thinks I'm so wonderful. And if I can't get that, maybe you want to fuck my wife? Wouldn't it be cool if you could just take over a younger person's body and fuck your wife, but you're young like her.

Yeah, that's the movie that's the movie so you know if he if he actually got we've established if he actually got a younger dude's body he would just find another teenager because that's what he that's what he did the first time around he's not going to want to fuck the 43 year old woman i'm at this point right but i feel like that's subjective. Like, that's an interpretation. The text itself, he very clearly is in love with this specific woman.

Yes. Yeah, but I think you're right. I think even if John Derrick doesn't think that, that's what would happen. He now shoots himself in the face. I'm sorry if that's abrupt. Oh, right. Sorry to interrupt.

Yeah, yeah. So he shoots himself in the face. I'm sorry if that's abrupt. Oh, right. Sorry to interrupt. Yeah. So he shoots himself in the face off screen and she runs up and sees his suicide letter and then starts arguing with it in the air. She yells, stop saying these things to the letter, forgetting that he is currently a letter. It should be noted she's wearing like a pink Angora trench coat

with a matching turban at this point it's beautiful so god that's so great one again yeah that's true uh he he's the great one uh which like i have to assume wayne gretzky was pretty pissed off about this movie right because like he canonically i feel like is the great one right i think they probably showed this to wayne gretzky and he was like he had had a, he consulted. Yeah. Yeah. He got a pretty, Hey Wayne,

if you're 30 years younger, what would you do with that boner? He's like, that's a really good question. I'll tell you what, you name the main character. Great one. And I'll consult for free.

There's only one answer. If anybody actually, if they show, if they sat you down and showed you this movie, the only thing you could say is I I'm not gonna fuck your wife. I've got 20 minutes in, John. I had sex with your wife, finished the movie. It's a weird movie, but I'm glad you had me over. I had a wonderful night.

I did it. Yeah, I did it 20 minutes ago, John. You don't get to watch. Do you think I'm some kind of Republic serial villain? Every bull has rules, John. These are my rules. Guys, did you know that in 1981, John Derrick put out his own Bo Derrick trading cards? Yes, I wrote. Because I know rules, John. Guys, did you know that in 1981, John Derrick put out his own Bo Derrick trading cards? Yes, because I know you, though.

This stuff is right on the razor's edge of adorable wife guy and just like, what the fuck are you doing? It has a narcissism to it. It's like he is a husband slash pimp in many ways, right? Yeah. I think it also has this like, look at how hot my wife is aren't i the best type of thing yeah yeah so because this is a very narcissistic movie to the point where like it's it should be in the discussion of most narcissistic films of all time yes yes so now of course he is trapped on the ghost plane if you thought it wasn't the kind of movie where somebody's going to be trapped on the ghost plane.

Yeah, there is an afterlife, by the way. And it's a wet child. It's a child's idea. Yeah. There's an angel there, kind of a sexy older lady angel. Yeah, sexy older lady angel who decides to play the role like she's just losing it on Molly. Like, I don't know why she's doing julie newmar it's cat woman is the angel that is not playing it like cat no but she is

cat woman though yeah she's she's got a sexy allure about her yeah it's her first day on the job right i would get her water uh another thing john derrick likes to explore in his erotic wife art is like what if it's this beautiful lady's first time boning so that was like his take on what a Christian angel might be he tells that to her she says it's my first day and he's like hey it was Katie's first day when I banged her it was her first

day getting banged he can't not bring it up okay the fuck yeah no one asked buddy He can't not bring it up. He's like, okay, the fuck? Yeah, no one asked, buddy. So she's at his funeral wearing an entire dead black sheepdog, just dressed like a fucking Skeksis with a veil, when she senses his ghostly presence and starts screaming at it,

just screaming at the ghost in the air immediately immediately at full volume, just talking to him. Not for the first time or the last time. Not for the last time. This is what she does throughout the whole movie, regardless of who's around. She starts having full volume, one-sided conversations. And the one move I really do appreciate from this movie is that John Derrick does show people looking at her like, what the fuck are you doing? What is happening right now? They don't say it because when you're this beautiful, you can just do whatever.

Right. You could scream to your dead ghost husband. You scream to your dead ghost wife in a restaurant. Yeah. People let me get away with fucking whatever I want. Yeah. Strip naked and dunk your head in a hot tub. They say get away with fucking whatever i want yeah strip naked and dunk your head in a hot tub they say yes please handsome gentleman it's but this is like the

first moment where you're like okay well surely they're not going to do this the whole movie right surely he will be on screen with her again and like they'll do it like every other ghost movie does where the rest of the actors do acting to pretend that he's not there. You don't actually have a ghost. It's like it's like they came to the problem of having a ghost in a movie from like a two year old's perspective. And we're like, well, you can't go. Ghosts aren't real. So we can't have a ghost in the movie.

How are we going to make them go through things and be transparent? That's we can't do that. through things and be transparent that's we can't do that uh i guess we just have him in a closet that's kind of watery instead of just having him there and have other people act as if he isn't there yeah it was very frustrating that they didn't rotoscope him in or something it's baffling or just have him stand have him be there and have people do acting just not acknowledge him and it's like i think it must be because Anthony Quinn was like too expensive to do any of that

and was like, here's what I'll do. I'll stand in the sound closet. Hotel shower. Yeah. I got a pool house. Hotel shower

for one day and record all my lines and that's all you're getting from me. And you cut it in and don't put in anything about me trying to fuck your wife, John. Like, I don't want to.

We talked about this. Don't recut it. This is going to sound pedantic, but the editor is obviously terrible. But sometimes Bo Derek will scream into the sky to her husband and she'll look to the right. And then when it cuts to him, he'll be on the wrong side of her eyeline. Yes. Yes. And it does.

It happens so often that I'm just like, of all the fucking. I mean, you can't even forgive it. Like she's talking in the wrong direction. Like they're doing a bit. Right. Like he snuck up behind her. It's a ghost prank or something. It's.

I don't know. Frustrating. The whole movie makes my skin crawl in little ways. And that's one of them. It's impossible to talk about how badly made it is. If it were just upsetting on a thematic or content narrative level, that would be one thing. It is. And it is. It is. Of course it is. Don't ever believe for a moment that it isn't. But it's also just from like a technical craft perspective, one of like the most bafflingly made movies I've ever seen.

He has to know at this point how movies are made, right? He's been in movies. He's gotten several. I don't think I've seen his ones before this, but this is bad for a first try. It really is. I have not made a movie, but i would not do all of these terrible things because i've seen movies because i know what they are movies you know what a movie is yes uh anyway before we get out of the funeral he does thank her for inviting his horse

gambler as if the horse had other for inviting the horse, not bringing it. He had a very busy schedule. Says, anyway, thanks for the funeral. Thanks for inviting Gambler. That was a real nice thing to do. And then it cuts to the horse, like the horse is mourning. So she's yelling. They go back in the private. She's yelling at him for being selfish and killing himself.

And this is his retort. Yes, Katie. God was going to get me, so I beat him to it with a 12 gauge. But you could have taken pills. Real men don't eat quiche. Fuck yeah. I don't take heart pills. I know.

God. No, I think she was saying, like, you didn't have to blow your fucking head off and like scar everybody forever you could have just taken pills and died and he was saying quiche real men don't eat quiche because pills are the quiche of suicide yeah and blowing your head off with a shotgun is the stake of suicide but but so i ordered the steak baby and that okay real men don't eat quiche is a real book and it came out it was a reference it's a reference this book but but it's like a satirical book it's not like a here's how to be a real dude it's like here's all the things that real dudes think they do and it's like oh you can't eat a quiche.

Um, and I don't know why it has, has that Q sound in it. It's a little uncomfortable. Maybe. Um, I don't know. It's a cute little food. I have eaten quiche before and I'm so toxic.

I'm such a fucking bro. I always tell everyone that I write for this website and one of the guys is like so toxic and just constantly eating quiche and it's really confusing yeah uh so to snap her out of her funk he tells her to jump up and push her titties out but she does uh i don't know if that helps her when he says titties out i just when anthony quinn says titties out i felt like i was going to throw up you want to listen yeah I took my shirt off and then threw up so it was a very confusing moment for me stand up titties out okay wait Anthony Quinn what the fuck uh he demands you go on vacation so we spend the rest

of this movie as an excuse for John Bo Derek to take a lovely vacation, which they acknowledge in the credits. One of several vacations, I will say. Several, that's true. They go to Hong Kong, the Maldives, and somewhere else, I don't remember. So we smash cut to... Oh, what a movie.

Just to like, to just so nakedly make a movie about this thing you're obsessed with, and then also turn it into like an excuse to go on several expensive vacations. Yeah, it's not just a movie about how I am deeply afraid of mortality and the fact that my young, sexy wife will survive me and have sex with other men. Other men's penises will go inside her. It's also an Adam Sandler-esque, let's just go around the world and like find an excuse to shoot movies on cruise ships and stuff movie at least he has the decency to just do that though if he also did that and started being like you know what i like when when women poop on me

i'm gonna make a movie about that while on vacation like come on this is too far uh so we smash cut to her scuba diving i should go on IMDb and make sure there's no Adam Sandler movies about getting pooped on you're right that's not a safe bet there's 11 you totally called it all star Rob Schneider co-star Rob Schneider as the poop you couldn't make that now though

because of woke and DEI yeah so she's so she listens to him she goes on vacation to get over this and then we cut to her like well we cut to her taint for a long time we cut to just just her gooch as she scuba dives around but then the second she comes up for air she just goes i fucking hate this and then his ghost is there going like ah just like just haunting the shit out of us. They've discovered that the human soul survives the physical destruction of the body, and they're both just kind of annoyed about it. Yeah.

Of all of the reactions you could have, just like, ah, come on, is like, what? I'm trying to like sum up the vibe of this because all of the dialogue in this movie is completely insane i am gonna read this little part she jumps up and says god damn it scott this really stinks no you know what it really does it sucks he says don't use that word. I'll work it out. I promise you. And she says, promise me you can't even swim with me. Damn. She says she can barely feel it when the ghost kisses her, but I guess she can kind of feel it. And she says,

ghost can't do it. It's that simple. There we go. Title of the movie. If you name a movie, ghost can't do it. Like that's, I don't know.

It's just. Yeah, why wouldn't you name it Titties Out? Titties Out. Titties Out and the Ghost Plane. We'll just like go for like kind of more artistic. Like John Derrick is afraid to die. Right. And that his wife will survive him. Phantom Cuck, Anthony Quinn.

There's an 800 word essay on it. Yeah. Have you ever seen ajork art movie yes this feels like a bjork movie without like the artistic intentionality i guess yeah but like if if like a baby tried to make a bjork art movie that's what this feels like to me i don't think that's intentional i think it's just bad i think there's like i think it's so bad that it's almost art outsider art really is yeah it's yeah yeah it's like he didn't know he was making art but he was uh and yeah and then because he had the pang of oh shit am i making art he's like okay take your shirt off so now we just get the first instance of boderic tits and it's like like as if they were like all right we know we know this is bad we know it's bad

look we know the whole movie's bad but here here and she doesn't just take her shirt off though she strips completely naked yeah in the middle of this conversation for no reason and then sits cooched down in the sand. Yep. As a young man looking for movies with nudity in them, this would have been a generous amount. Oh my God, absolutely. Yes. Yeah. She is fully nude, panning over her constantly.

If you're looking for that, it's here, baby. For that reason, I am amazed that i never heard about this movie throughout the 90s same because you know we were it was like the the movies that went around my school like wild things was the main one right because that has like a uh matt dylan nev campbell denise richards pool threesome i think and uh familiar of course yeah of course it was a classic for that reason yeah we are we had a wild things themed marriage wow the wedding was was all while we it was in a pool you slowly rise out of the pool yeah yeah you uh yeah you you accuse someone of sexual assault it's a whole thing. Yeah. But this movie,

I just, I don't know what you think. I don't know. Bo Derek, I guess maybe Bo Derek was like a little out of the conversation by the nineties, but. I suppose.

A little bit. I guess, but I don't know. There's a lot of nudity in this. Like imagine going to a theater and just seeing this. I don't think that you think this was a theater release. That would be incredible. Oh my God.

I think maybe I found a trailer for it but I guess VHS movies had trailers too back in the day. Yeah, they had trailers. It would be fascinating it would be fascinating

to see that like this vibe spread through like a theater and like the waves of understanding and like contempt and confusion. You look around.

In interest, what's this part? That there's just like three people and then an empty seat. Every three people, just two men and a woman. Each one. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I'm in the wrong movie. Or the right one.

My notes at this point just says. He ends this conversation. Goddamn, what are we doing here, John Derrick? Hey, you want to see my wife naked? You can't keep, you said we were going to the dentist. You can't keep bringing people here. We get out of this conversation, long story short of this is, he agrees that he's going to try to possess somebody

specifically a younger hotter man because she's never had one before. She's only fucked him and when he says, you want someone younger? I was only 50 when we started banging. But she wants someone, she wants to try an under 50

cock for a change. The older guy insecurity in this movie is just, it just drips off the screen. It's so thick. It's so thick. It's like the way that they write the character as like, oh, she's never ever had sex with anyone else. And, oh, younger, but I was only 50. And it's like, man. That's that fantasy trope you see a lot in movies.

Like Splash, I think, is the main prototype for that, where you're like, there's this sexy woman, but she only knows one thing, and it's you. Right. Yeah, her only other experience is just sort of laying her eggs and then having another mer person come along and fertilize them. Right. However, that was Bo Derek's life as we have found out. That's true. She was essentially abducted as a teenager by a 50-year-old man. That must have been the conversation John Derek had

with a lot of his honest friends. Wow, so you're the only guy she's ever been with. That fucking vibrant, beautiful woman who's naked all over the place it's only ever slept with a 50 plus year old woman in the world wow the only guy she's ever fucked only one huh that's great that's me guys just me you should really explore that with a feature film or me john derrick hey say you could watch me do it Or me, John Derrick. Hey, say, there's an idea.

Anyway, he has the audacity. Just this whole movie, after putting a picture of the young man as the bull and just really laying his whole ass out, he has the audacity to end that conversation with this line. You mean you'd take another body? And with this body, you'd make love to me? You bet I would. I mean, if it's possible. I don't know, Scott. That's kinky stuff.

We've never been kinky. You made a whole movie. I've never been kinky. Begging anybody that's seen it to come over and bang your wife and you're like, I've never been kinky. Have you reviewed that statement? Have you gotten your friends together and and said here's the stuff me and john do uh a nearby boat pervert yes the boat pervert his line was uh from here you look like a very beautiful person what what game what incredible game yeah the boat pervert sees her fully naked and yells

tries to catcall her from like i want to say half a mile away on a boat. Yeah. And he's not sure. He's like, look, you seem okay. I got to get a little closer. But va-va. I'm not going to give you the full va-va-voom, but I'll give you va-va. Va-va.

Yeah. Va-va. And then I'm going to hold on to the voom until we land. Then you'll get voom. I'm just going to give you half a whistle. She rides into town. This is the first time she spells it out where she says, I can't talk to you. You're a ghost.

I'll look like an idiot. You're like, okay, they're going to stop this fucking bit. And she proceeds to yell every single line of dialogue right in the face of everyone walking by for the rest of the movie. They ignore that. I don't know why they point it out just to ignore it. And I feel like the audience is way ahead of the movie at this point, but when he finally comes on land, the boat guy comes up and the dead husband is like,

okay, this is the guy I'm going to steal this fucker's life. I'm going to fuck you with this cock. And you're like, God, we get it. Anthony Quinn. Come on.

Subtlety. And he introduces himself as Fausto Garibaldi. And as you would do if your name was Fausto Garibaldi, he refers to himself mostly, not entirely, but mostly in the third person as Fausto. You have to. And he's a beautiful man. He refers to himself mostly, not entirely, but mostly in the third person as Fausto. Yeah. You have to. And he's a beautiful man. He's Italian for like Gerbil Wizard or something. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't speak Italian. I think it means the devil's fish. It's got to be something like that. Okay. Wait, around when Fausto is introduced, though, she's talking to this guy who, like, continues to be a character throughout the movie and calls him your honor. He's a mayor. And he is the mayor?

Uh-huh. He's the mayor. Do you call mayors your honor? No. Right, that's like a judge thing, right? It's a judge. But this was before the internet. Your great majesty.

Yeah, right. Your highness. When you had, like like you had a wrong idea and then you just said it and you had to wait for somebody to be like what are you an idiot right yeah it's like well we you know it's cut already we can't do anything about it i have heard his honor the mayor i think it's like the honorable or like the right honorable but like your honor i don't know i wouldn't i wouldn't address this guy in particular as anything but scumbag i would i would maybe call him mr scumbag if he occupied a position

of authority he just bleeds scumbag he's a real good real solid scumbag real peter lorry style just weasel uh we need to complicate this scenario even more uh it's time to introduce the i guess diamond heist element yeah uh pearl heist in this case she has several million dollars of pearl sitting in an alarmed fishbowl hanging from the middle of her room black pearl as as people do they hang their pearls in in heavily alarmed fish bowls and in the middle of their room and she is going to sell them and that's like we got to keep that in the back of our mind because that's gonna pay off one would hope uh also to be uh she's worth two billion dollars they're billionaires in 1980. In 1980, they are billionaires for question mark?

Business. Yeah, business. For the business. This movie's idea of business is on the same level as, you know, Bojack Horseman? Like the character, Vincent Adult Man, who's just like the two kids or like the three kids under a trench coat. That's like this movie's level of understanding of what business is. Oh, we do business. So we're billionaires, you know?

And we can prove that later with a certain guest star that we'll get to. That's true. God damn it. That part pissed me off. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Okay. Can I just tell you how muchren buffett was worth in 1982

250 million dollars okay yep so this would have been the richest man on the planet so they are i think at this point they would have been the richest uh people in the world yeah so so that's why nobody's saying shit when she screams that she's gonna murder everyone around her to her dead ghost husband they're like she can do whatever right she's like 100 times richer than anyone else on the planet this is such a god you're such a fucking child john derrick like oh a billion dollars doesn't that amount of money is owned by like one person in 1980 like uh we smash cut a scene to her fully nude again scrubbing yourself down the rain because she needs to be she needs to be wet like a fish throughout this movie like if there's a

if she realizes she's been dry for two scenes she will run out of that scene and just dive bomb into the nearest pool of water like that actually happened several times yeah she's a fish uh she she demands that he zap fausto and steal his body because it's a lot better than just good and he's he's not entirely on board so he goes to ghost peep on fausto garibaldi as he skinny dips. And then he sees his cock. And now he's like, OK, let's do this. This is the guy, dude. So now now it's on right now. She understands that she has to kill this guy.

She has to kill him and like get her dead ghost husband to zap him and possess him so that he can plow her again. Although they've never mentioned that up to this point. At this point, they just introduced the rule that like, like we're kind of just playing Calvin ball with ghosts because they're like, oh, yeah, you can only, a ghost can only possess someone at the moment of death, actually. They say that specifically later, but they seem to know that. Right. They just kind of know that now. They're like, like oh we have to kill him so i can possess him and it's like but if you kill him and you possessed him wouldn't he still be like that like cut his head off he still doesn't have a head if you poison him with rat poison he's still like has massive organ failure right

no i don't know i'd like to know some of those rules I also like to know how often this happens like does everyone who dies get right try to do a couple of days to like jump into a dead body no only the richest man on earth he's so rich that God is gonna give him some leeway he's like that guy's fucking crazy but he's so fucking rich he did good he had the highest score that is money is yeah it's your high score when you die and they uh they discuss all this well she discusses the one-sided one-sided conversation about how she's going to kill fausto garibaldi with rat poison and have her ghost husband steal his cock uh screams all of those lines directly into his face and he loves it he's just like yeah

all right hell yeah that says that's that's sweet i i think killing also garibaldi was like the the cause of like some italian civil war at some point too like just it's a crazy name it's so i i had a why do they do the murder like they could have done a weird science thing they could i mean they're surrounded by cherokee magic for the first 20 minutes they could just summon a spirit or a tulpa. Right. They'd be like, great totem, grant me a cock with which to pound my hot wife. Or just be like, hey, man, do you want to be the richest guy in the world who also gets to fuck Bo Derek? You're going to sort of just be like checking this all out in the passenger seat, but it's still pretty legit.

And he would probably be like, yeahso is into that falso falso garibaldi like i said she sits there and screams i'm going to give you rat poison until you die and falso just smiles and nods he would just hold his breath until he died if they if she asked him yeah i think you're right he is barely sentient he is just he's just there to exist but there's no time because it's time much like in uh the the hit movie based on a total fabrication uh that is blood sport it's time to go to hong kong oh yes yeah we gotta jump to hong kong uh because this is a subplot now and we needed another subplot. We've got a ghost dad three-way going on. We've got a pearl heist that's going to happen.

And now we need to have like a business political thriller and fly to Hong Kong for that. Because they want to go to Hong Kong for whatever. How much did they spend? Like, Wikipedia doesn't have a budget for this. How much did they spend? Like, Wikipedia doesn't have a budget for this. And I can't find, like, I don't know. I can't find good numbers on it.

But, like, they travel. They shoot in location in, like, three or four separate locations. And only one of them is in the U.S. Just every element of this is just as plain as could be what you're doing. Like, you're not clever and i don't even know that you're trying to hide it this is just some kind of some kind of cuckolding scam it's like classic hollywood cuckolding he's also like one of those guys who's like yeah i'm gonna spend all my money for me uh i'm gonna make a movie where i i have to fly over the whole crew to hong kong and then to the Maldives and then to Nebraska. She's doing Fenton with him.

God. They tell her they need her. I think I was really frustrated at this point because they haven't done anything like a bit. You know what I mean? Because when I say, when you're like, I got a dead husband who can talk to me, it's like, okay, let's do the comedy bits. Yeah. Let's do frighteners where you're having dinner and one of them is there and you're talking to him right or like you're playing cards and they're telling you what everyone else has like all the

things you could use a ghost to do right and here they finally get to that because she's now gonna go into a meeting and he's gonna do like asian businessman serrano de bergiac so he's going to like coach her as she does like the the the business deals and i thought okay finally like after a fucking hour we get to a single ghost bit well they they tell her prefacing this there's a cut that i really like or i don't think it's intentional but they tell her like raiders are coming for your fortune like all these these keen young businessmen are gonna chop up this entire empire so you have to be a shark and then they jump cut to her trying to eat noodles in the wind on a boat just just noodles slapping her in the side of the face while she tries to chase him down with her mouth like a

silly head montage with her silly hats uh so yeah she has to she has to do this this whole meeting with her ghost husband and like like all of the uh the great scenes like all of the hard to write interesting scenes in this movie we just cut to the end of it when they're like whoa all right that's something huh we did it uh the meeting is with donald trump we're gonna get to it it's happened yeah fucking trump's in this movie he looks like such a fucking dumb ass in this scene i mean everybody hates trump but i mean like yeah zoom in on him he's like trying to look all cool and smart and he's like got these like pursed lips like he looks so fucking stupid look obviously he fucking sucks shit but like he can be a very funny guy and he

has none of that in this movie like he says things that are very very objectively funny if you were a stand-up comedian i think he would kill but in this movie it's just nothing he's giving us nothing and also i don't really understand why he's in this because unless like are they at like a hong kong hotel that he owns because that was his whole deal in the 80s and 90s right it's like he's in home alone too because they shoot at a hotel that he's in and his deal was i'll let you shoot here if i can be in the movie but this is not like no you called this you called this earlier this is business this represents he is business capital b business he is a businessman now uh there's a weird note in uh

that i have here because she says he's pretty she looks at donald trump i have that i have that clip okay uh if you want to play that let's let's play it this has been interesting tomorrow at 11 we will vote and that will settle it for now but be assured mrs scott that in this room there are knives sharp enough to cut you to the bone and hearts cold enough to eat yours as hors d'oeuvres you bet your sweet little ass on it you're too pretty to be bad yes okay so that's troubling and disgusting but he her. That's the second time I've seen that. John Oliver played a clip where he was like an episode of CSI, and the actress said like, oh, so you're not just a pretty face.

And he gave her like a little, like a weird little wet kiss. So I feel like that's a note that Donald Trump brings to directors. It's like, hey, can one of the people call me pretty? Yeah, they gotta see him pretty. So there's probably a Home Alone 2 deleted scene where Macaulay to directors is like, hey, can one of the people call me pretty? Yeah, they gotta see him pretty. So there's probably a Home Alone 2 deleted scene where Macaulay Culkin's like, sir, you are so pretty. Can you show me where the bathroom is?

He absolutely uses that Steven Seagal writer where like, nobody can hit me. Like I can't look bad for even a second. You have to tell me I'm the best all the time. You can't just be good at business. You have to be able to be really pretty which is yeah not a word i don't i think i've ever heard anyone associate with with uh donald so he's absurd he's playing her role he says that later that you said brock where you said that he can't ever lose but like later in the scene that the main character vo

derrick is supposed to win the negotiations and does. But then Donald Trump comes back for a second scene to be like, no, you didn't actually beat me. You won the situation. You won the situation. Not the argument against me, Donald Trump. So I feel like this had to have been filmed in his hotel and he had a lot of like notes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. He has that Seagal, that Vin Diesel writer where like nobody can, he can't be seen losing for even a second.

Yep. So even though she has to win this, he came in and said, no, no, no. I deflected it with my laser shield. She can win the situation, but she doesn't get to beat me. I also get to win. We both get to win, but I get to win more. In a way he wins because this is one of the most insecure films ever made. And Donald Trump comes in and says says let me show you real insecurity right he one-ups them and now we get to possibly the most insane scene in this movie

yeah i think we're talking about. Bo Derek is swimming in a pool in this hotel in Hong Kong. And there's a guy with a gun who was trying to shoot her friend and Scott's friend, Wynne. Winston, I guess. And he is like perving on her. And she's just like, oh, that's so cute. No defenses. A woman this beautiful, no defenses against a pool pervert. Ridiculous.

He's introduced to the scene because she's showering after getting out of the pool. And she looks over to see him just like smiling and looking at her. And her first instinct is to apologize for being nude in the shower in front of him. And it takes her like, they show it. They show like three minutes of her going, slowly working it out. Like, oh, did you, you're watching me on purpose. You like to, you're doing the bad thing. Oh no, does that mean I'm in trouble?

I wrote down the dialogue like word for word in what happens next. So, she notices that he is, like, actively perving on her. She runs away and, like, jumps into the pool to try to hide. And there's, like, comedy music as he's chasing her. And she says. Yeah, because it's funny. No. I can't let you rape me and uh

he says something and she says there's a lot of rapes in this world and he replies a lot of killings too and at this point he's standing outside the pool and she's in the pool and she says yeah but there are more rapes like she's trying to dialogue that tit for tat pity right that just that altman-esque dialogue we love that and he says do you want to get raped oh and she replies yes every day if my other choice is killed written by John dare about his wife god this was so troubling I'm really glad you read that because I had it was troubling oh my Derrick, you wrote this about your wife? What the fuck is happening? It's a little thing, but I like how she realizes she's in trouble in the shower

where she's wet, and she decides she needs to run out and jump to the pools where she can be more wet. But the pool, the water is, you know, it's her power source, right? So. Yes. So she's swimming, well, swimming completely nude, completely pointlessly nude, trying to convince this man to rape her.

While he is pointing a gun at her for business reasons, ostensibly. So now the bad guy wants her to take pills. And these are not murder pills. They're just sleep pills so that she will sleep through the business meeting because that's the plan. There's no rape and murder. That was an overreaction to the pervert in the shower. So now her ghost. It was a fine reaction.

I agree. No, it was an understandable reaction, but his intentions were actually relatively benign. He simply wanted to drug her so that she would miss the business meeting. Although he does threaten to insert the pills like a suppository if she does not take them orally. Well, I would say he does do that because the line is, I will, you swallow the pills or I'll give them to you like a suppository. Then she pulls him in the water and he says the exact same line again. Swallow the pills or I'll give them to you like a suppository. I think he was probably supposed to say something different. But then we smash cut to her in her bathrobe with her ass in the air

being all drugged. So like you're supposed to infer. Right. He shoved these pills up her ass and waited for them to dissolve. Yes. And what we forgot, like the filmmakers sometimes forgot is that the ghost was there the whole time.

So the ghost was actually giving her tips. He's like, take the pills and like hide them in the side of your mouth and make him think that you swallowed them. Cause he's not a genius. He's like, take the pills and hide them in the side of your mouth and make him think that you swallowed them. Because he's not a genius. Classic trick. I swallowed them. He thinks he invented that.

At this point, when she wakes up in the hotel with her ass up in the air, I'm like, wasn't this a movie about Anthony Quinn trying to find a new body at some point? This was that, right? I didn't make that up and this wasn't a different completely moved no no this is this is every movie right this is just any movie that they can make a little mini movie as an excuse to write off a trip to say hong kong yeah yeah what can we do in hong kong we can uh i've got this great scene it's about rape and it ends with uh with a with an elderly mob gentleman shoving pills up your i want to see the city before it's demolished in 1993 so we gotta go to hong kong all right and like like all of the great scenes in this movie the great hard to write scenes that would

be so interesting we cut to the end where scott scott the ghost is laughing and saying ha ha we busted their balls they won uh off screen and the next scene is that scene with in the boardroom with trump refusing to admit that he actually was beaten it was only that she beat the situation and then she has to agree uh i think she says you like to cause mischief, don't you? And he like smiles smugly and says like, yes, I do. So he hired the old goon that almost raped her and shoved pills up her ass. Right. It seems right. It's the implication.

Trump hired them and did all that. That was his mischief. We did miss the part where she tries to escape her house hell room, which I guess is locked out the air vent. Yeah, they're a little diehard. She tries to do a little diehard, but we just cut from her trying to do the diehard right to, oh, we won. Because we don't really feel like writing that. It would be hard to write that.

You would have to be like, how did, what did she do next? I don't know. She wins is what the script says. Yeah. I liked that he taught the ghost talkers through her sedative. He's like, you just got to think I'm awake. Come on. I'm awake. Think I'm awake. Come on, I'm awake. You just think I'm awake.

Come on, why aren't you more awake? Dumbass. It's just 10 out of bounds. Just think you're awake. This fucking movie. Oh, and now we're on a train. We're on a train. And now we're not on a train.

And now we're on a plane. Wynn is sort of a character. We kind of skipped over his introduction because it doesn't really matter. All you need to know is that he's another older man that really wants to fuck her. Yes, he does. But respectfully.

As respectfully as you could, I suppose. He's like, you know, I've kind of always been into you and I know you like older guys. Maybe think of me as a romantic option. Hey, your husband's dead, right? Yeah. He didn't chase her into the pool with pills. What? The soul survives the physical death of the body? Oh, right well there's a lot to think about anyway does he want to watch

us fuck i bet he does and we we tastefully it's a tasteful metaphor for that where win and her are back on the island they're at a bar in the rain of course and win wants to dance, but he would never dance. Hard quotes on dance here. So they get to have a three-way dance session across the ghost plane with Wynne and Scott and her all dancing together. Just dancing her from both ends. I love this. Because Wynne's like, you said you'd never dance! And then she kind of wiggles and struts around uh-huh and i think this might be the biggest disconnect between someone's actual dancing ability and like a crowd in a movie's reaction to that dancing ability absolutely

like if this was a comedy about a woman who couldn't dance you wouldn't have to reshoot a single second yeah no she is not dancing it's like some elaine seinfeld level dancing it's yeah uh and it's just like them hanging out with like the mayor and fausto and a priest fausto garibaldi you ever seen uh mac and me of fucking course i owned it on futures great well there's this you know the scene where mac is dressed up like a teddy bear and goes to McDonald's and starts dancing. Yeah, of course I do. And everyone's like, holy shit, this is the greatest dancing I've ever seen.

And it sucks. The fucking teddy bear can't dance for shit. That's what this scene is like. It's much like that. And she doesn't even have the excuse of not having had any Coca-Cola recently, which is the only thing that can fuel Mac's dancing abilities. Oh, she's had some sort of Coca-Cola. She's had something.

She's had those six pills. She's had some Coke. She's on those ants, yeah. She somehow dumps water on herself in the rain. She has some Flashdance thing. As the Flashdance thing. And just eats total shit. Only it hits her so hard she falls down, but nobody comments on it.

It was legitimately funny that she just like, yeah hard she falls down, but nobody comments on it. Like it was legitimately funny that she just like, yeah, you dumped like 40 gallons of water on yourself. It would knock you on your ass. Also, wait, there is a line where Anthony Quinn says, we're better than any of them. Even that kid with the one glove.

Okay. Yeah, you're better than Michael Jackson up here. Oh yeah, she's better than Michael Jackson. Morkel Johnson. Do the two step three better than Michael Jackson. Morkel Johnson. I love that Morkel Johnson. But the priest is scandalized by her extremely stupid and unsexy dancing.

It's not even like she's doing suggestive sexy dancing. It's like really stupid dancing. He's not scandalized. He's so horny he loses his mind. Yes. Is what happens. They show it very clearly in several takes of him just getting hornier. We just look at a priest's face as he gets as horny as anybody's been on film.

And then, and he can't take it anymore. He stops the music and tells her that God commands her to stop. She agrees. And so he starts molesting her. He just grabs her all over, squeezes her to him and says, i'm going to take the devil from your body while just feeling her up and anthony quinn scott uh over on the ghost plane thinks that's fucking hilarious look at look at that that's like so good like you just go up to someone pick i'm gonna take the devil from your body check this out but it only works if you have a really stupid little ponytail on the back of your head like the priest does.

It only works if you're a really horny priest. It's only for horny priests. But Anthony Quinn thinks that's fucking hilarious. Moonbox is out of the picture now. Yeah. But. What a weird scene. Even for this movie, what a weird scene.

Yeah. This scene has nothing to do with the rest it's like this is a scene from a movie about like dancing being forbidden by the religious authorities on this little in this little island community this has nothing to do with anything it is forbidden by the religious authorities it is but that's basically grabbed her and made her stop dancing but but coming back as a a sexy young guy named fausto is totally okay by god but kind of dancing in a really unsuggestive manner is like not good we hate and as we learned from that priest uh the devil is stored in the butt if you have to grab him right out of that's bo derrick. Yeah. So we smash cut weirdly out of that crazy scene that went on way too long to Bo Derek just in a village yelling, I can't kill him.

Like right in front of right in front of wind. Everybody's just no fucking. She can't. We got some other stuff. I don't know if this is before or after because I didn't I think I didn write on everything because i my time watching this movie is like a fugue state to me but there are other women in the movie now like brief oh that's way after after okay yeah right now they're introducing for the first time scott says in all my research i find rat poison is the simplest research so that implies that he's been researching how to

kill men in heaven. The library in heaven? Yeah, heaven has a murder library. And Wynne, after she just yells, I can't kill him with rat poison, Wynne is just like, you're so beautiful. And Scott looks over at him and says, I can't stand to see a man slump like

a sack of shit and a horse or an elephant, and then we pan out to show him riding an elephant. What a fucking pan out. Why is he riding an elephant? Yes. And now she's riding an elephant. She rides it. And now there are other women in the movie and they're on a train.

And it's like, who are these people? They're just talking about Bo Derek. They. Okay. We find out. i can't believe that insane thing you just said is going to be true sean uh the movie thinks they're here to buy the pearls they're the remember that one remember that other movie we introduced into this movie and then forgot about for for a different movie we're still doing that it's still a it's still like a pearl heist ish kind of thing so they're the buyers for the

pearls and they're coming in by train and in a cute little moment and the train is named katie and the station is named scott i don't think that means no it means that they own the train station because they're billionaires because they're 100 times richer than literally anyone else on the planet. They own everything. And what they do with their buyers is they start a game of beach baseball with their buyers. This is some pretty elegant screenwriting because the woman fielding first base, like, here's her screaming at the sky. And she's like, I noticed you happen to be talking to a ghost. Did you know I'm a white witch?

That's right. The first woman you've talked to in the entire film has the magic powers necessary to tell you what to do. You need to steal that douchebag's body. Here's how that works. And she's here to buy the pearls. Okay, can I just say, though, the woman who does that who's earlier is on the train and talking about boob jobs with uh with her friend while they're talking about boderic she like is in this beach baseball game and like is it's almost like she's challenging boderic in

terms of nudity she's like i'm gonna be as nude as it is possible to be without technically being nude. Because she's wearing like a white tank top that has been slashed to pieces that is just barely covering her tits. And is like, hey, what's up? I'm a white witch. I know shit. I can talk to ghosts and stuff. And also, I'm barely wearing any clothes. And I'm like, you're my favorite character in this movie. I wish this movie was about you.

She's so good. But I'm not sure I've ever seen a dumber thing no it's extremely stupid the first baseman she's playing first base when when beau derrick runs up screaming i'm going to murder this young man and she's like oh sweet you're gonna murder oh you're gonna do i know how to do that i've heard that before your lover died you're gonna kill a guy so that he can possess his body at the time of death and you can have fuck him again yeah okay god she's just without knowing anymore she's totally on board yeah uh and she's the one that introduces finally tells them you can only occupy this body at the exact moment of death even though the entire movie they've already been acting like they knew that they just forgot yeah and she so the but the the witch asks well but how would you even do that and bo derrick still standing on first base says rat poison and then runs to the next base

yes yes and also like at this point talk to your next inning yeah i love that she knows the exact rules about possession like she's like oh yeah no i've seen this before it's all fine but also like at this point in the movie it's like this movie they wrote a movie where they're like oh we know what's gonna happen later and so the characters do also right like of course because we can't write a character we know what's gonna happen how could we write a character who doesn't know and like right up to this point fausto has not been like a huge piece of shit like he's just a hot dipshit who has done nothing wrong exactly like he wasn't the guy perving on her on the boat he wasn't like the guy who was aiming he was the guy perving on the boat from the boat okay but she was nude and he was like hey you

look pretty cool uh he didn't point a gun at her out of the men what the men in this movie have done and that's what i'm saying he is the gentlest exactly but they're all like oh of course we all agree that he he's a huge piece of shit and he deserves to die so that your husband can possess him right he's had 1.5 lines and they've been right most of them have been fausto garibaldi later on okay we maybe discover that there is something up with him but up to this point it's like he's just some fucking guy like he no they plan to murder him when he's done absolutely nothing except exist and be a beautiful idiot and then he later proves you were right to murder me which i think it occurred to john derrick the brilliant screenwriter at this moment that oh right we can't have the main heroes of the film kill an innocent man. I need to make this guy an asshole. But then he never went back earlier in the screenplay and put that in. to kill him. You would assume, based on any movie, based on just knowing what movies are,

that you know what's going to happen from here on out. And that's that, oh, she's being pressured to kill this guy by her husband who's passed on. She's got to learn to love this beautiful idiot and then move on. That's what a movie would be. And the husband

is like the antagonist now. No, no. They they're gonna kill him yeah the conflict is she's not interested in murder she's she doesn't want to murder and he wants her to murder that's the that's the conflict now yes well she's sitting there explaining that conflict she's looked she's laying sideways on a bench looking at a vial of rat poison saying i'm going to use this rat poison to kill Fausto Garibaldi so that my husband can possess his cock and plow it into me. And Fausto Garibaldi is standing right behind her and goes, hi, I'm Fausto Garibaldi. He hears all of this and he loves it.

He thinks it's just fine. He like has no concept of mortality. I can't die. I'm Fausto Garibaldi. He maybe thinks they're talking about a different Fausto Garibaldi, but that can't be. She tells him not to go near the fishbowl. He laughs and goes near the fishbowl and all of the alarms in the world go off that the entire island hears them as we establish it several miles away back at the beach party. Yeah, the mirror hears it.

Yeah, Wynne, who is now plowing the beach witch uh they both perk up and are like oh my god that alarm and they have to uh they have to jump on a scooter and like make this several mile journey there but fausto garibaldi does not give a shit he does not understand consequences like they have not happened to him in his life so he's still just playing with the fishbowl as alarms go off. He has no idea that's why the alarms are going off. He's like, wow, this is a loud house. Why is your fish screaming?

I'm Faust. She gets a harpoon gun and points it at him. Is it a harpoon gun? That's a Sten machine gun. It's a Sten. It's a machine gun. But it also kind of looks like an E-11 blaster from Star Wars. But I was pretty sure it's a Sten gun because I'm a fucking dweeb.

Yeah, you're a Call of Duty player. Yeah, it's a British World War II. First one. Out of Rises. Murder him with a machine gun. Yeah, she has an antique machine gun. It's the funniest gun. Like, he says, get a gun.

I was expecting any gun other than this fucking side loading. Yeah. A trench clear. Somehow the harpoon gun makes more sense. Like what the hell are you talking about? And also now he's a rapist also because they're like, oh shit, we need to make him look really bad so that it's fine. And so now he's a rapist also. And so Scott is telling him, murder the man, shoot the man to death.

She's yelling, I'm going to shoot the man to death. And Fausto's just like, hey, you're looking real good. So she knocks him down and is about to bring him with what I wrote down in the first place is a vase. And Fausto Garibaldi is like, ha ha, you're going to hit me with that vase. She's like, yeah, yeah, we're going to hit you. We find out later, she says, it was a war club. Yeah. African war club. Yeah. African war club.

Yeah. Pull on African war club. And she does. She does just cave his skull in with a war club. It doesn't kill him. So she's supposed to pour the rat poison into his lips. And she just can't do it. She can't do it.

She says, I'm so sorry. And Scott on the ghost plane says, I don't need sorry. I need body. I am always saying that, you know? When someone's like, I'm sorry. I'm like, I don't need sorry. I need body, okay? And then he says, I think he just gives up.

That would actually disarm me in an argument. If my wife said that to me i'd be like i guess body baby uh i think at this point he gives up and says that as you could say i am out of here i am his and then there's and then there's a huge whoosh and an engine roar like he took a ghost jet boat out of that scene yeah so when and the beach which show up along with the entire island on a bus they left on a scooter they've arrived they left on scooters alone and have arrived with the entire island

adventure off their combiner transformers they can buy from scooters into a bus yeah I want to watch their movie they're wearing native masks they each have like elemental powers picked up from something when in the beach which come in this fall it's a whole thing uh the mayor's there he tells fausto garibaldi he's such a bad boy he's gonna figure out a

punishment for him later and like everybody's like oh that's a normal thing to say boy i'm gonna put him behind bars she's so upset that scott has left her on his ghost jet boat that she runs outside and shoves her head in a hot tub and then it starts pouring rain because she has to be fully wet now yeah fully wet fully wet and murderous at all times yeah no much like quiet from melgar solid five she has to be wet at all times and is completely For story. Yeah, for story reasons. For story reasons.

For story reasons. To breathe. It's not just that John wanted to see his wife wet all the time. When you know the reason why she has to be, you'll be ashamed of your words and deeds. So, Scott's back up in heaven hanging out with just the worst angel of all time who's letting him repeatedly try to murder a man on earth and like she's fired on her first day right yeah i mean she's like just chilling right she's like i fucking suck at this shit but uh in five years they're gonna make a movie with my name in the title so what do i care right uh she has that

gen z work ethic where she's just like wow man, you're not rewarding me for this. I'm not going to. I'm not going to try. I'm not getting any affirmation for my effort. I can't believe they got Julie Newmar in this, but I guess what was she doing in the 80s? Right. She was 20 years off batman or whatever and so she finally just now warns him that maybe she's he's going to hell for repeatedly trying to murder this gorgeous idiot

so that so that he can steal his cock his flesh cock uh just now and he's like oh what and he acts like this is a surprise he's like whoa whoa I feel like floating that idea gets you to hell. Did you kill someone? If there's a transitionary period, it's like, oh, you're not in heaven yet. Okay, hold on a second. What if I murder somebody and take his cock and bang my wife? That's good, right? God loves that.

I think it's a no. She tells him, you can't go back to earth because there are no shotguns in heaven that's because like if he could just blow his brains out in heaven he'd go back to dragon ball rules you know you die in heaven just go back that implies everyone in heaven is like hatching schemes to kill themselves to get back to earth the implications of that line are so insane i think she calls hell the boogeyman pit or someone does it i have she calls hell the boogeyman pit or someone does it I have that written

down the boogeyman pit maybe the boogie hole yeah when I go back in the boogie hole is that something I get like Chinese distribution yeah yeah that was such a big deal in 1980

yeah we didn't say really big in China yeah the Chinese audience I yeah he yeah it's gonna send because it's not just gonna send him to hell it's gonna send because it's not just gonna send him to hell it's gonna send uh Bo Derek to hell if she kills sure do you know that killing someone is bad is frowned upon by the Christian God I think it might be one of the rules that he

said you shouldn't do but they both act like this is just like a new concept that's been introduced where they're like oh this is this is the act three wrinkle that resets everything this might be bad thou can't i can't kill you're saying thou shall not kill and i'm just hearing this for the first time right now so we have a brief debate about that and then katie runs into what looks like i don't know maldives bar mitzvah of some kind just like a a lovely young girl going through some sort of ceremony and everybody's smiling and she runs in screeching to the sky that she's okay with burning in hell as long as her husband can come back and bang her one more time. And nobody says anything to her because she's so rich and beautiful. Just like, man, you're really ruining this for my kid, but all right. She runs out and grabs a catamaran to break Fausto Garibaldi out of prison so that she can kill him. Yes.

Yes. Yes. It's a great, so her dead husband can inhabit his body and then they can just fuck. Put his penis inside. With unlimited money. Yeah. inhabit his body and then they can just fuck put his yes with unlimited money yeah but he's not in prison because the mayor took a boat ride with him for fun and forgot where that was yeah what is i feel like there's something with the mayor in this movie and it's so weirdly specific that i feel like it has to be something the mayor has to be based on someone that they knew. That's me.

Yeah, what is- That just foiled their plans to fuck. By like taking people on various boat trips and stuff. I don't, it's like such a weird character, totally superfluous. Is he like the Epstein pilot? Is that what this is? I really liked how she was like,

I was like, tell me where Fausto went. And she's like getting violent with him. She's like, I'm going to fuck you up if you don't tell me where he went. Like she's getting information like she's Daredevil, which is like this total new element for the character, which I thought was an interesting direction to take her. But he doesn't know. Like we, everything in the scene is telling you, oh, there's something going on with the mayor and Fausto. And then how this scene ends is like, somebody else runs in and says, Fausto Garibaldi is out diving for pearls. And she goes, that's where he is.

I'm going to go kill him. And then runs off screen. Yes. And so we have to end concluding that, no, the mayor just took Fausto out for a fun boat ride and forgot. Yep. Why not? Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes people just take fun boat rides for a fun boat ride and forgot. Yep. Why not? Yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes people just take fun boat rides. She had to beat it out of him. It's cinema verite, right? Like, look, maybe it's not conventional narrative, but this is how people live. And I feel like John Derrick is really respecting that in his filmmaking technique. Yes.

The screenplay now has to have her find a swimming man. So she goes to where she thought he was swimming and then someone runs up and screams, There's someone in the water! There's someone swimming nearby! There's a strange diver in the pearl bed! Yes! She's like, that must be him. They say the words Fausto Garibaldi is in the pearl bed. Because he was a pearl thief

the whole time. That was his whole thing. Which is a great thing to say. And so now we are okay we're at the finale with a lot of spinning plates and we've got a we've got to conclude them she has to decide if she's going to kill fausto how she's going to do it is fausto going to fight back is he is he's still you know trying to be this master thief thing is is any of this gonna work out yes it's already over we smash cut right past that they run up to the dock and uh and scott says ah he's bound up in the lines down there he's already dead

yeah yeah he died he died he died off screen just while she was coming out to confront him because they didn't want to write that scene so she Wynn dive in to save Fausto Garibaldi. And did anybody figure out why Fausto Garibaldi died underwater here? Because of his greed. Because he's wearing a scuba tank and a snorkel. That might do it. Not connected. Beautiful idiot. Oh my God.

Beautiful idiot. Too beautiful to live. Put him strapped on a scuba tank and then put on a snorkel yeah this is what it looks like uh i like how they give a mouth-to-mouth while he's still in the water i thought that was an interesting choice good good what nobody knows when anything is yeah they know the full they're the richest people in the world medical procedure to treat a heart attack like oh you gotta do it in the stomach you're like okay cool i know that but he's like i've never seen mouth to mouth before wait you're saying that he got too much water inside of him and then he stopped moving i didn't even know that that's a way people could die like but water's really sexy deal with that

put more water in him more water yeah that's more water more water enough water so so fausto garibaldi she gives him mouth to mouth until he comes back to life and anthony quinn closes his eyes and makes a face like oh i'm gonna finish and then he finishes by jumping bodies back into into fausto garibaldi So they all got exactly what they wanted from the start to no consequences whatsoever. Great movie. Wonderful movie. I figured you'd like to see where Anthony Quinn goes,

bring him back. Give him to me. Give me that one precious second. Give me that hard young cock. It gets real real. Those taut young balls. And they, yeah, they hard cut. and he's talking with Scott's voice now, and they hard cut to their marriage with a mumbling priest in Wyoming. Yep, they're getting married now.

They are married, and then they cut again. They're banging in a horse stable. Before they, I want to talk about what they're wearing when they get married, because I wrote wrote in my notes i wrote she is wearing a married a maid marion kind of outfit and he is wearing a turtleneck and a tweed jacket which is not what anyone has ever worn to a wedding in history or maybe ever ever nobody knows how anything works nobody's seen yeah now the designer is insane on this now they're fucking in a barn while their horse washes yeah yes they're fucking in a horse stable uh well they have just fucked in a horse table and they've fucked so much that that beau derrick is trying to run away but her legs don't work like i can't do it anymore you're too young and

virile i can't fuck anymore you're hard. Your masculine power has somehow exhausted my inexhaustible feminine sexuality. John Derrick? John Derrick. I mean, Scottso Greatabaldi. Right. I wrote down, are you having fun with this body? Let's make all the bells on earth ring!

As he slithers over the haystacks like a snake to keep fucking his tormented wife. This is, like, At this point, I wrote that this is absolutely the fantasy of an impotent old man who is terrified at the prospect of a multi-orgasmic younger woman who can outlast him. And he's just like, yeah, I'm going to fuck you until you can't fuck anymore. What do you like that? If I was Fausto Garibaldi, I'd show her. Yeah. If I was named something cool like Fausto Garibaldi. It's a happy

ending. Scott has possessed a corpse so he can simultaneously watch and be the hot young bull plowing his wife. It's every John Derek's dream. And it's come true. And they're riding horses in the snow, but Scott can't quite remember how to ride a horse anymore. Right.

I have to ask, is Faustor Garibaldi now in the water room? And is he scheming to come back? Or like, what's his... As an even younger man. Or has he been erased because he wasn't rich enough?

He's just overwritten like an old Or has he been erased because he wasn't rich enough? Did he get Julie Newmar? He's just overwritten like an old hard drive. There just wasn't enough of him. The last guy that was here just took your body. Also, as if you needed any more evidence that this movie was produced by people who don't know how movies are made, the credits are really weird. They're fucking crazy. first i have a few written down one of them is jerry spence as wyoming preacher and then in parentheses who taught us about wetsuits that's the first credit that's the first credit the tops the most important

part goes to the bit the preacher who was in for I want to say 30 seconds at the start of the movie and taught us about wetsuits what about him he taught us what what is there to teach what do you need to know and you put them on you know do you do you ever know what the Trump thing was

the Trump Trump's credit says and yes that really was Donald Trump uh the trump trump's credit says and yes that really was donald trump like anyone else has like a fucking cotton candy comb over like yeah we know who it was they uh they filmed in wyoming maldives sri lanka and hong kong but they somehow couldn't afford to get anthony quinn on set or just couldn't figure out how to do it, which I thought was crazy. Also, one weird thing about this movie is that a woman named Imaging Spence, her first name is Imaging. Imaging Spence was in this movie and her husband was this semi-famous lawyer named Jerry Spence, who if you look Jerry Spence up. Who taught him about wetsuits.

He did not teach him about wetsuits, but if you look Jerry Spence up in a spell with a G instead of a J, he looks a lot like Anthony Quinn's character in this movie. Hmm. Like, it's- Suspicious. Suspicious. Well, Jerry Spence is the one

who taught them about wetsuits. The Wyoming preacher. No, he was actually- No, you're right. Yes, he is. And Imogen Spence was also in this movie. Was his what? Was his weirdo wife?

And Jerry Spence's style, I think he's no longer with us, but he looks... No, he is still with us. He's like 100 years old or something. He looks a lot like John Derrick in this movie. So maybe it's his life story. And the very last credits in this movie just say, Thank you, Eduardo and Moshe. You were a great pleasure.

These are all the people he swung with. These are just a bunch of swaps. That is the clearest. That is such a straight ass thank you card to the swinging couple that plowed your wife. That did your ghost cock role play you did great with your young young wife how i can't fucking believe this movie exists and that we don't talk about it every day i know the fact that i only heard about it a few weeks ago and uh the only reason i heard about it is i don't even remember what i was posting about but but someone on blue sky was like oh

and as we all know ghosts can't do it and i was like what is that and i looked it up and was like this is not real this is not a real film um and you were right yeah i'm just like it's amazing because i feel like i know about a lot of these movies already right like i was a big mst3 person. I watched a lot of riff tracks. I like watching these just like really poorly made productions, but I had never heard of this ever. And it's like, is it just so abysmal and so just like such a psychic assault that we've agreed to just kind of collectively forget about it? It's fucking madness. It's straight madness it's i can't believe i can't believe john derrick found a way to write off like three million dollars in cuckolding funds like he he just said i'm gonna travel the world and get cucked

and it's gonna cost three million dollars and baby i'm gonna write it all off i'm the irs is gonna deal with that i have terrible news uh in the time between us deciding to do this movie and us recording this podcast the actor who played win passed away at 94 uh on february 2nd so uh at least he got to bang that white witch at least he got to bang that white witch you know he's i'd like to believe he's still out there possessing the body of a younger man he's probably in a much younger man now frankfurt frankfurt Unser Podcast knallt und mit maximalem Chow. Tag Frankfurt Podcast, korrekt.

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