The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 165, The Iron Chef Traitor with Lydia Bugg

Episode Date: March 6, 2024

Brockway betrays Chairman Hot Dog and takes over Podcast Stadium, forcing Seanbaby and guest, Lydia Bugg, to watch the episode of Iron Chef where one of the commentators betrays the show to usurp a chef!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 Hot Dog, America's last website. I gotta change that again. When I first started saying that, it was a dig at crack, which jokingly used to call itself America's first comedy website. Back when things were fun. Then last comedy website just became really sadly prophetic as everything collapsed. So I jokingly just trying to keep it cute instead of real dark, changed the goalposts

again to just last website. Vice.com and National Geographic have died just since our last podcast. We're Ed Baby. There's nowhere left to move those goalposts. That's it. We're the last ones. Last thing. Last thing in the rotating in the void is just a hot dog with our faces on it. We're the last ones. Last thing. Last thing in the rotating in the void

is just a hot dog with our faces on it. Support us at patreon.com slash 1900 hot dog if you like things, right? Because this is it. We post new hilarious articles every single weekday by human comedians who are not currently being whipped by SEO robots to increase productivity. It's the only place where that will ever happen again.

So if you love an unenslaved humanity and I think you should, come support us. I'm Food Trader Robert Rockway and with me is the god of French comedy, Sean Baby. It is a pleasure to be here, Brockwesson. I'm so glad we got somebody to dub your voice for this entire podcast. Just just to sell the authenticity. And our guest, if memory serves, it is said her voice is the only thing more lovely than her beauty. So remember when enjoying Lydia Bug, start with the ears and then the eyes.

Thank you, Robert Brockway. I'm so glad to be here. This is so much fun. It's going to be a really great show. enjoying Lydia Bug, start with the ears and then the eyes. Thank you, Robert Brackway. I'm so glad to be here. This is so much fun. It's gonna be a really great show and I'm really excited. Thank you. Brackway song. I'm glad you went with that

and not the normal woman on Iron Chef. It was, I do not know anything. He, yeah, I'm not gonna fucking do that. So I'm convinced. All right. Well, obviously we not going to fucking do that. So I'm convinced. All right. Well, obviously we're talking about iron chef. I'm convinced that they that they just dub over what the women actually say because there's no way they actually say that shit.

They're like saying like, oh, this is delicious. The interplay in them, the dubber is like, I don't know. I'm too shy to say. Then they get a high five from the other dude in the office. Fuck women in my right pal. This week, our judge is nuclear scientist. She's just like, I've never seen a potato before. I'm worried this has become racist somehow that I don't quite understand.

No, because we're making fun of the people dubbing it. We don't actually know what happened on the show. Yes, I want to specify it's the dub. It is entirely the dub of Irish. I'm going to get real racist with it. More than you right now. I mean, we're not getting out of this without getting real problematic about the French. All right. So before we delve into all of that shit, Lydia, where can people find more from you?

I just hit 10,000 followers on TikTok. Oh, hell yeah. So, hit me up over there at Unolidia. Have you danced even once? Not even fucking once, bro. Totally unnecessary. Just completely unnecessary to success. People always, I don't know why people still think that.

It was like that like three years ago, but you know who the like one of the top TikTok stars is? Jason Parjan has 400,000 followers on TikTok. You mean TikTok star Jason Parjan? TikTok star Jason Parjan, one of the biggest stars on TikTok, never done a single dance. What if he had? It would be so much more popular. I would watch it.

If Jason was a really sick dancer, that would be amazing. Just picture his exact videos as they are now, his steady drone, but he's dancing a little bit the whole time. Like, come on, that would be better. That's improved. On an episode of Big Feet, he just casually dropped that he's twice as much Cherokee as the Cherokee member of the Big Foot Huntik team. Never knew that.

I just like, yeah. He's a man of mysteries. He's a man of mysteries. Twice as much Cherokee is still not that much Cherokee as Buck. It's still not worth bringing up in conversation. But yeah, well, more credit. So he's personally offended by Bucs, by Bucs antics. Yeah, that's true. That's what that's what that's what this is. It's a hit. It's a revenge hit.

I love Big Feeds. I'll plug that for you guys. As someone not involved with that podcast, it's so fun. And every every two weeks when it comes out, I'm like, oh, yeah, it's Big Feeds Day. Yeah, me too. We're going to record our next round on Friday. I'm already excited about it. Because the next one, baby, it's Hogzilla. I haven't watched it yet, but I saw you guys talking about it at the slack and I'm like, this one sounds like it's going to be real problematic.

It's everybody should tune in and listen to that for just the sheer number of times Jason Parjan is going to say Hogzilla. It's gotta be a thing of beauty. All right. That's not today. Impatient sigh at something I say. Hogzilla.

Then he's going to accuse me of getting too dark. Really? Really Jason? All right, we're getting. Now that we've plugged our far more popular and successful podcast. We are here today to talk about Iron Chef and OK, right off the bat, I feel like everybody's going to have some concerns when they see the title of this episode, because we kind of took a little hit when we covered that

Golden Girls episode. I don't think we were wrong and I won't apologize. But I understand people thinking like Golden Girls, that's not going to be that wild. I'm going to skip this one. Yeah. And I did public. I did chide you guys privately as soon as I talked to you. I said, how dare you, Golden Girls? On behalf of the girls, Gays and Days, how dare you?

It was a good podcast though, and that was a crazy episode. They savagely deported Mario Lopez to a country he has never seen before and then laughed as he starved today. I know. Okay, when I say golden girls rule, I now have to whisper, except for the one where they told Mario Lopez to go back to Mexico. Which he was not from. So it's gonna seem on the surface maybe a little basic for what we do, especially considering last week we found just an insane manifesto of male insecurity about gorilla pissing and shooting your own father and just pure madness.

We're never gonna beat gorilla flow for pure madness, but there's genuine deep madness to Iron Chef in general and especially to the episode we're talking about. So it's like we forget like they just kept putting it on TV, but it is singularly insane. Like Iron Chef is a crazy time for the time especially. But like just looking back and I'm like, this is madness. All of this. It's fucking crazy. And just getting into the lore of it the way this episode does, like has so much lore that is so interesting. Exactly. That's why I picked it is that there is like this deep world building implied lore of how the alternate universe that Iron Chef takes place in functions where people live and die

via cooking battles. It's absolutely nuts. But here's the thing. I wanted to get everybody's takes on, like, did you watch Iron Chef back in the day when it was first broadcast here? Absolutely. I remember this exact episode.

Really? Yeah. OK. I couldn't remember exact episodes, but I definitely watched it. Now, here's my follow-up question. You watched it, did you give a shit about cooking at the time?

Yeah, it made me interested in cooking. I was 10 when I saw this first, and it was on VHS. This is so weird, but it was like, somebody at my dad's work recorded on VHS somehow, like ripped it, I think off the internet maybe, but I'm not sure, because my dad's a computer programmer. The people he hung out with were a little more advanced with computers for the 90s and on the internet and shit. He would bring these VHSs to our house once a week and be like, oh, it's Iron Chef night. Then my mom and dad and I would all watch

Iron Chef on VHS from some kind of black market market back there, back alleyway that my dad was obtaining these VHS's and it was like they would pass it all around the office so we had to watch it like that night no matter what else was going on like cancel all of our plans it's Iron Chef night. That's the best day I could never have hoped for any better answer than that. You had like a black market Iron Chef flight club going on in your dad's office. Somehow, yes. I mean, that's kind of how this shit spread back in the day, though,

was just something was crazy enough. And if you didn't have a better method, it was just, here's a fucking Betamax tape. I don't know. You figure it out. You got to watch it. I feel like I did I did like to cook, but I feel like this show is not for people who like to cook. I think this is this showed chefs is like, like superheroes. Like a lot of the guys who came on the show, they'd be like, yes, I was a salt intern for

22 years before they ever let me touch a spatula. And so it's not like Food Network now where it's very much for people to learn how to cook. Like here's how you do it. There's the basic ingredients and cooking techniques. And Iron Chef was just like this whirlwind of like, you know, time dilation. Like you'd- Oh yeah.

So I don't think you could like take a lot of skills from the show. No, no, no. It was absolutely not instructional. If anything, it was, it was shaming. It was like, if you made anything that wasn't some sort of some sort of roe foam, you should be ashamed of yourself. You're not actually eating food. How dare you? They only made fucking wild shit, pretty much. And they insinuated all of this. Now,

I was a stupid child. So watching Iron Chef, it never even occurred to me that this was not the way Japan was and cooking perhaps at large. Never occurred to me. Like I was just like, yeah, that's Gans. That's what I know about Japan now. Yeah, Japan is tough. It's never quite clear when they're being ridiculous or silly or rad. It's kind of exhausting, especially on something like Iron Chef where they're obviously trying to be a lot of these things. You're just like, I don't know how seriously these guys are taking it. Sometimes Chairman Kaga will giggle and I'm like, okay, so he's in on it. And other times he's like just majestic man in a cape and you're like, oh, no, no, no, he's an actual like duchess of bowling or something.

I don't know. See, I always took the giggles to mean he was completely insane. Like just totally. Yeah, he's like a mad scientist. Yes. He is the like the Duke of soup or whatever, but he's also nuts. That's exact. Okay, that's almost word for word what I thought he was. He was some sort of, He was some sort of food duke.

Whatever equivalent they have to food duke, that's what he is. All right, so let's just start with the intro and then we can talk more about it. The intro is one of my, just the intro to Iron Chef is one of my favorite pieces of media for all that it does. So fucking long. It's so fucking long. It does so much. It starts with a quote that says, tell me what you eat and I'll tell you what you are by Bridat Savarin.

I looked him up, some real not super notable guy that was just real into food real early. I think he moved at some point to Hartford, Connecticut, where I'm currently recording this from. Oh. So, uh. Is he a surprise guest? Is he there in your home? Oh my God. Oh my God.

If we're calling in place, I call Brilette Savarin. Okay, so the intro continues. It fades in with the answer Saying nearly a decade ago a man's fantasy became reality in a form never seen before Kitchen Stadium a giant cooking arena like that's the first sentence of The intro and it's so fucking crazy. I feel like it's hard to explain Because that's crazy even now to say shit like that though when you're show it's

So crazy back in like the 90s when this was first like leaking around it It's an 80s anime tournament arc, but in real life and for cooking So So if you've seen any of those, that's exactly how this plays out. That's what the set looks like. There's deep red and black paneling as the lights come up on it. It's a big octagonal ring with mystical orbs lighting the place. There are three huge portraits of the final bosses you'll have to fight on the wall above the podium,

where the insane ringmaster screams dramatic nonsense. Like it's just an it's cooking anime. Yeah. Uh, there's so many announcers. There's so many. So much happening. Uh, they say the motivation for spending his fortune to create kitchen stadium was to encounter new original cuisine, which could be called true

artistic creations. And now we meet the chairman, Chairman Kaga. And this Chairman Kaga, as this is going on, he in his introduction studies like a real fine, fancy little tiny pastry. And at the word artistic, he crams the entire thing in his mouth, chews once and then grins like a maniac

and stares at the camera. What was that? What? He just said he gained the arts power. And then grins like a maniac and stares at the camera. And you, what was that? He just said he gained the arts power. Artistic. And then he just about each art I devour you are. To realize his dream, he started choosing the top chefs of various styles of cooking. And he named his men the iron chefs. And at that three silhouetted figures, backlit again by

their own enormous boss portraits, slowly rise from the floor like they're being kept in a chef dungeon underneath the arena. It's all the chefs from the cryo tubes. The chefs that have been kept down there until they've gone feral and now know nothing but cooking. Just savage cooking beasts. Or as they actually call them, the invincible men of culinary skills.

And then they introduce them. There's Iron Chef Japanese, in which it kind of rotates. They all kind of rotate eventually. But in this case, it's the first one, I believe, or at least the first one of the series that I watched. No, it's Roxabarou Michiba in Simple Blue Robes the first one, I believe, or at least the first one of the series that I watched. More than that? No, it's Roxabarou Michiba in Simple Blue Robes and his little monk hat.

If you're still going by 80s tournament things and 80s anime tournament things, this is like the guy who flexes and all of his muscles explode and he like triples in size. Unassuming at first, right? Yes. Little secret powerhouse. Iron Chef French is Hiroyuki Sakai, my personal favorite, with his and with his little red silk outfit and his little mustache and his gold bow tie.

He's the sadistic pervert who shreds the clothes off the female fighters just in the anime. I'm just saying. Yeah. That's that's the role he would be in the anime is like the weird little giggling pervert with like a cleaver Who slices your clothes off? He's got a cute secret that turns out to be a very dark secret. Yes Yes, and he's and he rocks the shit out of those transition lenses just every time Iron chef Chinese is Chen Kenichi and he wears like golden black tassels

And he's he's like the funny harmless seeming guy that turns into some kind of crazy technical monster like he's he's hiding something weird behind that little coy smile I love him but he's he's got some secrets and then finally Masahiko Kobe is Iron Chef Italian he comes up dressed in a satin Italian flag like he's I'll tell you who he is. He's the one in the anime credits opening montage and you're like, oh shit, I can't wait until they get to that guy, but he was like cut from American release so he never shows up. I was gonna say they never do Italian.

Never shows up. Nobody wants to do Italian, but if they did, I bet that guy would kick ass at it. But like the once or twice they actually call him out. He rises from the floor on his own special platform, accompanied by an entire string orchestra playing his theme. And I mean, the whole orchestra is on the platform with him rising from, from the cage they keep their chefs in.

Wrapped in a ravioli. Just a battle symphony here for one pasta chef. It's incredible. All right, continuing with the intro. I've probably watched 100 episodes for Eversa Covet du I. Yeah, like I, there are not many in general, but also like anytime you found this show, like the episode order was scrambled,

it was impossible to like, to watch these sequentially. So it was the lottery to find. I don't think until I started rewatching it like in the streaming era, I don't think I ever saw him actually. Yeah, I don't remember seeing him until until streaming either. He may never have actually been on the show. They may have added him later for streaming. Just found a guy looked like him and we're like, we have to follow through on this promise. So continue with the intro. Kijin Stadium is the arena where Iron Chefs await challenges for master chefs all over the world. Both the Iron Chef and Challenger have one hour to tackle the theme ingredient of the day using all their senses, skills, creativity, they are to prepare artistic dishes never tasted before.

And if ever a challenger wins over the iron chef, he or she will gain the people's ovation and fame forever. It's amazing. Which is like not, not a real price. No monetary value. You win it. Surprise ovation. I have walked past 7,000 episodes of cooking shows in my home and I've never seen a single

person introduced as this person beat the iron chef. Even by their own premise, in a world where so many television shows are desperate to produce food celebrities, no one's ever sighted this, this thing that was supposedly so precious. Well, that's because they're all killed as soon as they're... I was gonna say that exactly. That's the anime rule, I missed the corrupt... Yeah, I saw Running Man, I don't know what they do with the winners. You're right, I was saying anime, that part is technically the Running Man, they running

man them. Man, I just love that phrasing. That's the exact phrasing is people's ovation in fame forever. That's your prize. You get people's ovation. It's just as bullshit as it sounds. All these years later. It's a lie.

Yeah, we can look back on it and know that that was as stupid as it sounds. So, Rapitaka says, what inspiration will today's challenger bring and how will the Iron Chef fight back? And then Chairman Kaga comes up and he's lording over this empty battle arena. I assume the blood has been hosed off of it. He in the intro is wearing, I looked really closely and I think this is a cow print pirate blouse with dog dragons fighting on it.

Sounds right. Which is perfect for him. And I think this is a cow print pirate blouse with dog dragons fighting on it Which is perfect for him. He giggles really smugly sipping a dark port like all villains do. He's the perfect host He begins every episode by saying if memory serves me correctly and the dub gives him this real Posh British accent just to double down like he is the bad guy Don't be don't be surprised when he double crosses our heroes. Like he's very clearly the bad guy. This is evil what he's doing. He's making them cook. They don't want to cook. He keeps them in that dungeon their entire lives. Like they will never see sunlight again. He's promising that's the prize for winning 100 battles, but everybody's killed at the 99th battle and then he absorbs their power and levels up.

And then they become the secret ingredient in the next battle. Oh, shit, you've got it. Oh, no. That's it. We cracked it. So now that's the real formula part. So now he introduces a little bit about the episode. This time he says, it is already seven months since my kitchen stadium was born.

My objective has been to search for the heir to Rosanjin, and that's just a famous Japanese chef. But there's a complication. I'm going to play right under my wings. That man is... There are three iron chefs. French, Japanese, and Chinese. You need one more to call them the four divas. One more.

Iron chef is needed. That's what I think. And I'd like a shout out. Very interesting. I accept your challenge. So Hattori is given his one and only chance to take on the others. And if he wins, I have graciously agreed to accept him as a new Iron Chef. So, they got real tight notes on that like one guy's like a traitor Another guy's like gas, you know, I feel like if there could be like a fourth iron chef

That could be really interesting and I don't know I guess I could I'll give it a shot It's so sad I want to go back in time and be like don't do it This guy spoiler alert gets fucking stoned. This whole thing is a setup to humiliate this man. I swear to God, like this was sadder than documentary, watching this man's spirit get broken in a kitchen stadium. So first, we to understand that we have to introduce who that was. That was Dr. Yukio Hattori. To picture him,

he's just an elderly, kind of poorly Japanese man in suit and glasses. He is considered a trader because he's normally the expert commentator on this show. Like, he is on the reporting force. He's like a staple character. He's the only one who actually really knows shit about food, or at least they present him that way. And he gave one note and the chairman was like, Traitor! You think you could do this, you son of a bitch? You think you could live in my chef basement? Feral! I do not take criticism well.

I yearn for it. I yearn to taste the blood of other chefs. And to grow more powerful, which is the only way a chef is promoted. By eating lesser chefs, he has gone completely insane with his lust for power, just proverbially exploded through the announcer's booth onto the stadium floor, ripped his shirt off

and pointed to Chairman Kaga and went, you fools, it has been I all along, the dark chef. They talk about he's the heir of Hatori style cooking, which is like, they like, that like establishes the protocol for samurai class meals. Like it's for very fancy like upper class samurai people to eat. So if he won, they don't really make it clear what he would be. If it would be like, I guess he'd be Iron Chef Samurai. That was like question two. Yes. Well, yeah, they didn't even say like, oh, if you win,

you get to be Iron Chef, I don't fucking America or whatever. Like they didn't give him a thing. I feel like he'd be Iron Chef Samurai, which is fucking clearly rad. There's no mistaking this. Yes. They very clearly explained he would be iron chef Samurai, the best iron chef if he wins. The four point out. Okay, before we get into all that and we will. In that intro, there's one little thing he says that really throws me off and it's it has been seven months.

He's throwing this big of a fucking wrinkle into the show. Seven months into its existence. One of four seasons, which have apparently occurred over the course of seven months. Over the course of seven months, he is running these people 24 hours a day. Like he keeps them in the basement, brings them up to cook for 20 hours a day. Yeah, because there's like freaking, there's so many episodes every season too. It's a lot of time. They just, and they look beat down.

They look exhausted, the Iron Chefs. I just can't believe seven months, and he's like, we have to blow up the format. One of you was a traitor. You're going to challenge the Iron Chefs. I want to say, if you're not familiar with this show, that is not how it works. You do not become the Iron Chef.

If you beat the Iron Chef. No. This is some insane Japanese Chef Highlander tournament. It's crazy to introduce this to anybody watching the show. Like if I was watching the show as it aired and this came on, I would have just dropped my plate of row foam. I feel like if you are a fan of the genre of karate tournament genre, then I feel like you'd see this coming. You'd be like after after seven months, you're like, okay, it's time for some sort of like an upstart like

tournament. It's not for a betrayal. It should be like a cool young kid who wants to shake up the form. Yeah. Not the oldest man. I know I can explain how this is better than you think. Okay, so what makes this even better, why it had to be Hatori, the lore of kitchen stadium, all right? It says that the assistance, because the challenger and the iron chef get nameless disposable assistants who are surely killed after every battle.

They come in the lore of the show, they come from Chairman Kaga's special culinary school and the one that allows him to fund this underground food, Kumite. That part's actually real, only it's not Chairman Kaga's school because the actual Chairman Kaga's an actor. Oh, this is the Hatori Nutrition College?

It's Dr. Hatori's school, the Hatori Nutrition College. He provides all. Hatori School, the Hatori Nutrition College. He provides all of the assistance. He's a producer on this show. He's the real Rich Culinary Maniac. Amazing. He's the real Chairman Kaga. And he has betrayed his own show at this point. By giving it a single thought.

But he knows. He's like, if anybody's in a position of authority, he is and he's like, I shall betray them all. So it's like Chairman Kaga himself starts the intro to a show and then kicks over his podium and is like, I choose you, I and chefs all three at the same time. It's That's amazing. It's nuts. It's nuts to think of his context in the show and that they're doing this. So Chairman Kaga, the actor obviously has to agree because the real

chairman Kaga is insane and will kill him. He says this is Hattori's one and only chance. If he doesn't win, then he will have to, I guess, work for him forever for free. They don't say for free, but I feel like that's implied, right? Yeah, for sure. Oh, yeah. He's a food slave if he loses. They don't follow through on that.

The son of a bitch portrays him again in a later season. He also takes over as chairman for an episode because he's he really is like chairman Kaga and he's like, you see him sitting behind there like, no, this is mine. This glory belongs to me. This ego wouldn't allow him. And the story when he took over for Chairman Kaga was that Chairman Kaga, the actor in the character of the show, was boycotting his own show because his iron chefs failed him too many times.

It was the lore of the show. They said Chairman Kaga won't be with us today. Dr. Hattori is replacing him instead because Chairman Kaga is too disgusted with the performance of his Iron Chefs. So funny. That's so cruel to the Iron Chefs that are just too hard. The hardest work in men and show business.

He's not feeding them enough in the Iron Chef dungeon. They can't keep up, you know? The human beings need sunlight to live, sir. It's got to take a shame semen, a shamecation. So, so Kaga narrates Hitori's introductory film. All the challengers get a dramatic introductory film. And as Sean said, he tells us this two-faced son of a bitch is also the heir to a 500-year-old secret cooking technique developed by his samurai family.

I'm not juicing this up, that's what they say. They open this shot on a suit of samurai armor with a demon face and then the camera pans around to reveal Hattori behind it, meditating while holding a war club. It's your madness. It's the kitchen secrets. Like clearly it's your madness. Protect the kitchen secrets. Like clearly this is your villain. It flashes back to his cooking manuals and they're all ancient obscure scrolls that he

consults like gently turning. So fucking awesome. Diagrams for the weak points of salmon. It's like a, it's a Tekken cutscene. It's just fucking insane. That's exactly what it is. This like, you don't quite understand the real world, do you? It is very cool, but I did write down in my notes, I know this was made in Japan, but

it still feels racist against Japanese people. It's a little too Japanese when they say he has developed the pre-battle food ritual of the samurai class relies entirely on the Hattori style cooking. So he is he is the power source of the deadly samurai he's a kitchen battle mage. And it's the best intro to any show you could ever hope for. He's all you buff to bleeding damage all of his dishes. to bleeding damage all of his dishes. Yes, he's you will not go into battle and survive without his buffs. He has been trained in war cooking since the age of four,

when he was taught how to peel apples properly. Oh, my gosh. Yes, the close of his time, like, peeling an apple with a sword. Fucking rad. And at age six, the mackerel at age nine, crab. He still has the crab scar. They literally say He still has the crab scar. They literally say he still has the crab scar. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeahous and overpowered. I just love the crab. He even has the crab stock, the crab's gone. He hates crabs to this day. And at this point, we're like 10 minutes into the show. This is the intro.

No cooking has happened. It's just been like, here's what the show is. Here's who's in charge. Here's a traitor. Here's the traitor's backstory. Here's another guy who's. Here's a traitor. Here's the traitor's backstory. Here's another guy who's gonna fight the traitor. The traitor comes from the trade is the real chairman Kaga. The traitor is the responsible for the rise of the samurai and despises the mighty crab. Also, hold on. We're still in the intro. You might think this is the start of the show. No, credits have not rolled yet. We don't know what the secret ingredient is. Yeah, credits have not rolled yet. We don't know what the secret ingredient is. Credits have not rolled yet. We still.

So we also introduce another wrinkle. Well, I want to say that this is kind of foreshadowing, but they show this guy's food during this this big package. And it's just really gray and slimy. Like it looks like a Chinese restaurant with half a star on Dordash. So so this guy's like traveling the world and stealing all these food secrets from the colony masters on top of Tibetan mountains to learn how to boil an old fish.

He has made the fucking ugliest food and they can't even dress it up. This guy has no chance. You goddamn Philistine, it's not supposed to look beautiful, it's supposed to give you invincible battle prowess. I have played enough Monster Hunter to know that your food needs to be beautiful to give you invincible battle prowess. I have played enough Monster Hunter to know that your food needs to be beautiful to give you the monster killing buffs you need. So our special guest judge today, we're still in the intro. Introducing all of this is Joel Robuchon, as they explain the god of French cuisine. And I would laugh at that, but that's not really an exaggeration.

He's a huge deal, like an absolute legendary figure in cooking in general, but especially French cooking. And they list him later as one of Dr. Hortori's like personal heroes. No, that's so sad. I wish I didn't know that. So they pan over Robuchon and he's just, he's a nasty little cobalt and he knows it. I love him. Yeah. He looks like a KGB officer. Yes. He looks like he's definitely in charge of interrogation. So yeah, I don't know what he does, but he's, you know what he does is he, uh, he's indispensable because he grabbed the, the seal that unlocks the arc of the

covenant that one time. And now the burn mark is on his hand. So Cogger really loves all this. Mark is on his hand. So, I just, the thing is, I really like this because this is back when like, there was only 10 or 15 food celebrities because they were like actual like food legends. And since this moment, like, I've become like numb to these, like I don't trust these packages. So here they are saying the God of French cuisine, like this would bounce right off my eyeballs if it was on the food network because they are,

they make packages like this for like anyone who owns a falafel truck because they need to like dress up like, Hey, this, this guy coming out to judge your fucking breakfast snacks is like the number one Tucson falafel chef. And they make a package with the exact reverence of this. And so seeing something back when it was sincere and like real is like, wow, this is, there was a time when you could trust TV just a little bit more. Yeah.

RoboShine is generally like the legend to get like all of those 15 chefs, he was king of the world at this point in time. So it's insane. Now they're all like, oh, he's the god of French cuisine. And we're like, whatever, sure. No, he really was. And it's crazy that they got him for this. And Kaga really rubs that in and says, now, Hattori-san,

reveal to us all your burning ambition in front of the god of French cuisine. Just highlight foreshadowing as we've already spoiled it, the fucking stomping he's about to get in front of his personal hero. It's incredible. It's such high drama. That's a real quote revealed to us all.

Your burning ambition. In front of the God of French cuisine. So watching this quote. Like after all that build up. You're going down. Like after all that build up. Oh, Iron Chefs, you're going down. He's just such a little nerd move. It's great, all that build up.

He should have just powered, his hair should have went blonde, all of his clothes should have exploded off. He should have had one crab hand for he has absorbed the powers of the mighty crab. And the other of course, a samurai sword, a legendary samurai sword. But no, he just goes, Iron Chefs, you're going down. Now, as we get into the rest of the intro, that was part one of the intro for it stuff. I noticed that the theme music is different in this dub,

and that's because they lost the rights. The theme music comes up and they do the rest of their intro. It's not the it's not the original song, as I remember it. That original song was actually they lost the rights because it was from the soundtrack to backdraft. The Kurt Russell 1991 film. Tom Berenger is what should go there. And I'm not making this up. You got to think I'm making this up. The song that opens Iron Chef is called,

Show Me Your Fire Truck. Yeah, no, I don't think you're making that up. That makes perfect sense. That's what Kurt Russell says before he sucks you off. So the rest of this intro is Chairman Kaga stepping out into a darkened kitchen stadium all alone. He surveys his ingredients like he's in all of them. He selects a single iconic bell pepper. He bites into it raw. Now, again, in the original intro, like the bite sound, the crunch echoes throughout the stadium and like that's what summons all of the chefs. Here they just show up, but like an army of, I'm going to call them ghost chefs, just like show up

and populate literally every standing surface of kitchen stadium as he giggles insanely and the camera pans out. You just, it's the most beautiful intro. It's so good. And then all of it gets undercut by this weird staticky noise when the Iron Chef like video toaster logo comes on and it goes like, what? What? You're like, what? Who made that choice? So that's now, now 48 minutes into our podcast, we have gotten past the opening credits of one episode of Iron Chef The episode finally starts Like that's what the episode feels like though is that it's that intro is all of it So that's like 90% of my notes. It's just that intro

It's it's such an amazing piece of media and like I said, I was a very stupid child And I didn't know anything about Japan so they said all this and I just went, uh-huh, uh-huh. Sounds right. Checks out. Like, oh my God, Japan is crazy. Like, I'd never even occurred to me that Chairman Kaga wasn't like a real eccentric billionaire. Like, I just was like, yeah, that's that's what they're like in Japan. Like, we have we have what like at the time Bill Gates was our equivalent. They would have Chairman Kaga who was the Bill Gates of cooking.

Why not? So the episode starts and replacing Hidori as like the expert food commentator is Utaka Ishinabe. They say he's a former iron chef French, but I could not find an episode he's in. I don't know what the hell they're talking about. Honorary. Honorary, maybe honorary.

So our normal co-hosts, the rest of them are here. It's Kenji Fukui of Fukui-san fame. Fukui-san. Fukui-san. And Shinichiro Ota, who is the just the over-eager floor reporter that I want to say, I'm constantly worried he's going to be killed for dramatic effect. Like. They all hate him so much, whatever he interrupts.

And he interrupts it the worst possible times too. Like, I got to give him that. But no matter what he says, like the classic iron chef thing to me is like this guy explaining fish to you. And then someone goes, Foucaultisan, I just talked to the contestant. He said that he hates the other guy and he's going to make really good food today. And they're like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, nothing bad. They're so today and they're like, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, nothing bad. They're so pissed. They're like, thank you. Fuku-san, the white stuff he put in the pot was milk. Fuku-san, just double check. Got second verification, it was milk. I love it. And like, even the contestants, he'll ask them questions, you know, as part of the show.

And he'll be like, yeah, I asked him if he enjoys cooking and he said no get out of my face. So Sean will know this I'm drawing a blank who's the nerdy little like a junior reporter that's always bugging Superman. Oh, that's Jimi Olson. He's Jimi Olson. He's there. He's just tugging on Superman's cape. It's just like fucking catching superpowers. He turns into the mortal moans. But what you're annoying is shit. Hey, I put this in my notes. I want to I want to check with everybody.

So you probably made a note of Chairman Kaga's outfit when he comes out in this episode. I want to just I think I've got the description. I want to see if anyone can top this. He looks like Rue McClanahan at a horse funeral. Oh, that's good. I said, he looks like he's going to officiate Prince's wedding. Oh, that's very nice.

That's what he always looked like. I don't remember the specific outfit, but yeah, he kind of always looks like he's auditioning for a role in the Princess Bride. I like it. Fantastic. He is wearing, in this case, oh, you got it, go. Well, I was just going to do his fashion check.

He's got a giant floppy bow tie, a black shirt with like irregular like sparkly floral pattern on the top. I guess you call them lapels. It's like a lapel suggestion and a very sparkly belt buckle. Yeah, like it's cousin. He always has an equestrian thing. He always wears like writing gloves or something that lets you know he made it and just come from a horse, but he did something horsey earlier today.

It's like pirate on land. Yeah. Yeah. It's got like always a pirate vibe, a horse vibe. Definitely like he is the corrupt shadow Duke. Like if you know a good Duke and that Duke looks into like a cursed mirror on the other side, the corrupt shadow Duke is Chirpikago. That's it. That's it. And it's he's like gay, gay coded, but Japan gay coded. So you're like, oh, no, he's not gay.

He's just like flamboyant in a way that makes no sense to someone from outside Japan. Like very gay in a very manly way. Yeah. Yeah. He'll fuck your wife, but he's super fruity. That's just, oh, yeah, that's villain coded. He's villain coded. Okay. At this point in time yeah, that's villain coded. He's villain coded. Okay.

At this point in time, he's arch villain coded. He's a Disney villain you wouldn't find out was gay until like 40 years after the movie came out and someone made a YouTube video. You're like, oh, yeah, okay. Yeah. Okay. All right, I see it. I get it.

I never questioned that as a kid, but yeah, that was suspicious. Captain Hook and Shmi did hang out a lot. Yeah. Okay. Like that's the vibe. Yeah. The first thing he says because he is a he is a villain is my gourmet academy is forever. Just top notch villain work. He introduces Roboosh on by saying, I've wanted to see this for quite a long time. And then Robo Shod is guided in by an aid. And what Robo Shod looks like is that he just got off a plane and he had a real untrustworthy guide that's like, you want to see some shit and just talk to me here. He has no idea what this is.

He doesn't look like he knew he was going on to a TV set. Like he comes out of that. They bring him out of that curtain. He's like, what the fuck is this? Just. He comes out of that, they bring him out of that curtain, he's like, what the fuck is this? He's just, so he's guided to his seat and they sit him down and he's just, he looks like a dog during fireworks. He's just completely floored and overwhelmed. Well, like what if what they said to him was like, would you like to go be on a cooking

show? And he was like, sure, I'll go watch a cooking show. And then he was like, what the hell is happening? Right. Like, even if you told him this is a cooking competition, he would be like, oh, I think I can picture that. It's 1994 or whatever. So we don't really have those.

But that's a good idea. And then he'd walk into the secret battle dome of like a horse maniac. And then expert boss chefs would rise from the cage beneath the stadium. He said, what the? The guy's like, yeah, I'm just about to execute this guy who questioned me. Come on, check.

It's great. It's gonna be so fun. Let me ground this show for you. Okay, so our announcer has turned traitor as he betrayed the sacred covenant of the samurai ancestors. He's like translating into French. He says, what traitor?

And you will use the salmon and you will use the salmon for this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the food is traitors, kills the food. We do not trust this, I mean, it's a friend. Oh, such a traitorous fish. So Kaga further introduces Hattori to everyone by saying, I never imagined this man would dare to challenge my iron chefs, this coward. And it cuts to Yukio Hattori standing silently in the shadows and he is holding an apple? He's just holding an apple in one hand?

Hockey fucking move. Because, okay, if you haven't seen the show, remember back when I introduced him, Sakai holds a pair, that's his thing. When he's raised up from the floor and you summoned your boss battle, he holds a pair, like this is the innocence of a young woman. So, Tori is like,

well, this is gonna be my thing when I'm Iron Chef. I'm coming out of here, the challenger holding an apple, fucking Eric and son of a bitch. That's already implied, you dumb fuck. And, but then they're like, what's with the apple? And he like lays it all out, like a little boy explaining his joke.

He's like, I want them to make up handle of me holding this apple. Yeah. Yes, we know. And that's the cocky bullshit move. Yeah, I think like making him explain it was his punishment for doing it. Exactly. What's that about? Yeah. If you see somebody doing that shit, you're like, you're like, I'm going to make him say it out loud so that they can be embarrassed.

But all right, it's time to get it going. Chairman Kaga calls upon the three iron chefs. He does this by screaming, I summon the iron chefs. And then they rise from the floor in shadow. Fukuie says, making their assent into kitchen stadium. These are the men who have laid down their knives on this field of cooking battle. Wonderful, wonderful. Writing Kaga reminds Hattatori that the God of French cooking

Robichon will be watching him and he's just holding his little apple and like, oh right. Yeah. When do I put it down? I'm rethinking the apple move. Yeah. I think what I love about this is they summon all the iron chefs from their tubes.

And when they only pick one of them, it like really drives home how like, the other two had a fucking drive over here and get all dressed up for nothing, for nothing every day, every day to it. And sometimes they never. Clawing at the air is that they lower back into the floor. No, my taste of freedom. The battle is like the floor is set. He is studying French cooking. The God of French cooking is here. We have our French cooking chef. So of course Hatori challenges.

Iron Chef Michiba Japanese. Now, Michiba is very stoic. He never goes in for like the flare the drama or the acting of whatever kayfabe goes into this, but he does play like he's genuinely shocked here. and I love it so much. He's just like, whoa. Whoa. No, you knew you were getting picked. Yeah. Like you had to be getting picked.

Man, I'm just realizing what a cake job being the Italian chef must have been. You just show up every day. You don't know what's going to pick you. And then you just leave and you get paid for the whole day, I bet. What if they didn't tell them in advance who got picked? And every single time the Iron Chef Italian has to show up with his entire orchestra and just wait there on a little elevator like, today's the day, bring me off the bench, I'm ready.

Just tell them the orchestra like, you better that violin, I see that that is dusty, you need to get that ready. If we had someone from the show and we could like verify it, it would not surprise me either way, whether they had it all planned show and we could like verify it, it would not surprise me either way, whether they had it all planned in advance and this was all theater or if they did not tell the iron chefs and they all had to act as if they were, you know, they didn't know. So the only piece of information I found about that was it did not explicitly say that they knew they would be challenged, but they said to some degree, the challenger and the chef or chefs, iron chef or chefs,

knew what the, they had like a brief list of what the theme ingredients might be. Like, so they didn't know exactly what it was, but because the lore of the show is that kitchen stadium is a magical place that has every exotic ingredient from the entire world. Like they will just reach into a drawer and pull out like a golden ostrich egg. I mean like of course I'm using this for this, for battle turkey, I don't know. But they did have to give them, they would give like a list of like, okay, if it's these five theme ingredients, get me these 20 ingredients just in case, like in just in case it's whatever. That's all I know. That's all I know about how planned this was. Okay. That seems kind of reasonable, I guess.

Yeah, that makes sense. Less reasonable is when Hattori challenges Mishiba. He holds his apple at him like it's the glaive from a troll. Like it's a magical talisman. He just looks at him like it should be glowing, but it doesn't. It doesn't glow because it's a fucking apple. Don't ask me to bring that apple. You look like such an asshole. He points it at him like I cursely with apple powers, the apple powers of the ancient samurai. He doesn't even make an apple dish.

Just throw in the trash. Fucking shamed your entire samurai ancestry. The ghost army like, like, loader the rings behind him, just frowning. Turning their backs on him and floating into hell. Fucking piece of shit. The cameras like turn away. He just throws the apple in the garbage, like, well, that's done. Nobody ate that.

There's too much shame in it. I've infused it. Shame. It's like sin eaters. You don't want to get into that. So now Kaga unveils the theme ingredient. At last, the very final step of the show's intro, which remember, we're still in.

The show's not begun yet. This is the last step. He unveiled the theme ingredient. We've been podcasting for one hour and two minutes according to my clock. Kaka unveils the theme ingredient. Perfect for French cooking. So it's too bad we're not doing French cooking. We've challenged the Japanese chef. We're using truffles, just a wildly expensive ingredient.

They did that because Robo-shan is there. They're like, look how opulent we can be. There's no way that didn't just confuse him more. Like, you're, that's like $10,000 in truffles. Are you, what are we doing here? So in every episode of Iron Chef, the ingredient itself gets a short end, I would argue tragic art film. Kaga starts it by saying, if memory serves, and then always says something insane like, the Dutch know when eating corn, start from the butt.

He doesn't do that here. It's the only time he breaks with that form. I was waiting for it and I had this written down like, okay, if memory serves dot dot dot, waiting to transcribe the madness, and then he skipped it. And I like, I had this written down like, okay, if memory serves dot, dot, dot, waiting to transcribe the madness. And then he skipped it. I'm just a little package explaining truffles. The little Very reverent.

Troubles. Yeah. Match truffles with ice cream in your guarantee to be in heaven. I guess that was the thing that was like, the little if memory serves thing, but he didn't say if memory serves which is just insane. So now we finally finally finally kick off the battle chairman caga always use a lot was he. And the iron chef and challenger run up the stairs to fight for the best possible pick of ingredient one not so. So except not today.

Not today. We all noticed how he slowly lumbered up lumbered up there. And I thought, this man is too old for this. Instantly, I was like, oh, he's going to lose. I mean, right away that you clock him like, oh, he has to be careful about stairs. Like that's what that walk is. Is like, I'm doing OK, but I got to be careful about them stairs. I'm not running up those. But neither, man. He's like, let me meet you, but is unbothered. He has not yet exploded out of his shirt with his muscle power. He's

just like, all right, well, we're gonna, we're gonna wander up there because meet you was move is while his opponents start frantically cooking. He calmly writes out his entire menu and fancy calligraphy before beginning, which is just such a fucking anime power move. It's wonderful. He's so chill. It's like the show is all about high stress. And then here's Meecheebun.

Just like, yeah, no, whatever. I'll make like 27 dishes out of the truffles. You know what he's doing? He's giving him the hard target head start. He's giving him the. Yeah, the late Henrykson. Yeah, you have 30 seconds and then we're gonna go. And then I'm gonna hunt your ass down

through kitchen stadium and prepare you like a fucking salmon, Hatori. Yeah, but to like pair that chill energy with a man who is just genuinely like old and frail, it makes for like the slowest episode of Iron Chef I've ever seen in my entire life. It's incredible like all that they have put on the line here. Again, I would think I was embellishing a little bit because at this point Isha Nabe, the guest commentator, honorary

French chef commentator says all the truffles up there are like six grand, which is still like a fortune. They save money because the contestants don't win shit. Save money because you put that money into the mushrooms. You feed your iron chefs. This is what they eat. That's right. They dump all of this into a big trough, stir it up, and they have to just

just fight for their share. That would be awful. Like, I don't like truffles. Do you guys like truffles? I find them to be too... Sometimes. Kind of like must eat. Yeah, I don't like mushrooms in general.

But like sometimes truffles are okay. But like, I know they're a fancy thing. Yeah. Most of the really fancy food like foie gras and sea urchin and truffles, I find to be really rich and I have to be in a very special mood to want to eat something that. Yeah. I'm not on board with that so much,

but I did work. My background is in restaurants. So I worked as a waiter for many years in exclusively private clubs, like really high end. I worked in the Nantucket Yacht Club and the Portland Golf Club. Yeah, I've waited on like every powerful figure at the time, which was I think it was when John Kerry was was running for office and he was

there. Oh, okay, I've been talking about John Kerry before. Yeah, like Clinton was there. I caught Ross Perot stealing an umbrella. Like it's it was a wild type. But I got like, you would try specials and things. The chef would have little bites that you could like recommend stuff to them. And every time they would have an ingredient that cost, I'm gonna say more than $20. I would be like, this is disgusting.

The worst taste. Foie gras sucks. Foie gras sucks, truffles or whatever. I don't know. I know that- I like foie gras. I had it for the first time recently and ethically I know it's really bad.

So I've like never ordered it, but it was like a tasting menu situation. And I was like, oh my God, this is the most amazing thing. Like what is this? And they were like, oh, it's Forgot. I was like, oh. This whole time.

Oh no. That's why we do crimes for it, cause it's so good. Oh, that's funny. I have a little piece of information here in their most expensive battle was battle Swallows Nest, which also sounds because it costs more than $20. It's terrible. That one that's like regurgitated something.

Yes. Yeah, it's like what they what they use to make the Swallows Nest. I don't know exactly what it is. It's it's wild. But it was $40,000 just for the Swallows Nests they used in that episode, not even the other ingredients. Just, yeah, it's what this show was doing was genuinely nuts. They weren't like fronting that we have thousands

and thousands of dollars to literally burn in the center of this kitchen every single day. They actually did it. I remember one where they had like anglerfish and they had to give them an extra 30 minutes because they were just like these like dinosaurs. They pulled up from the fucking bottom of the trench. That's what it's like. I have to look this up. It's 1996.

You know how long that takes? They were like scooping out organs with a snow shovel. Like, I don't even know what to call this. It was screaming for its life. So Michi, they asked Michi Bill what he feels about the ingredient and in this battle for his very position, he says, Japanese don't use this ingredient also. I don't know.

Just great TV. Just making great TV. Now, I do have it up a little. Mechabasong. He's so we we recorded seven of these today. You get the fuck away from me. It's like he's there's a certain level of laid back where you're like, well, you're not even fucking trying to win. Like there's no showmanship.

There's no competitive spirit. He's just like, I don't know, man. I'm just fucking Yoda who's good at cooking, pal. Just once again, this Japanese chef has given a French ingredient to impress the greatest French legend of cooking who's ever lived. And he's at this point in 1996, Japan. He probably doesn't know who that guy is. Hattori does, but he's like, ah, some weird little goblin showed up.

He's Hatori has stolen like all of his sacred truffle knowledge from the French, presumably by devouring the brain of a young French chef. He is just like, he has to be thinking at this point in the episode, like, fucking fuck, yeah, did he just say say I don't know what this is? Like, yes, I've got this. I've got this. I didn't take a ton of notes on the actual cooking section because it sucks and it's so boring. All of this is so great.

And then we just cook for a while. I really do just cook. I took some notes because I was I got fascinated a few spots where like when Mijima, I got a few too, but go. Okay. When Michiba's chopping up lobsters and that's the exact moment Robichon like stuck his face in his like cutting board, he's like, oh, hey, what you doing over here? And he's like, I'm fucking chopping up lobsters.

I would have slapped Robichon with a lobster. That's what I would have done. But then they got to the blowfish organs and I was like, oh, this is that Japanese shit. Like, give me more of this. And they were like scraping just this wad of giant goo. Soft row is what they call it. Soft row. Yeah.

So I looked that up. It's fish comb. Yes. it's milk or fish gum. Oh no, what? Dude, because I was looking at that and thinking that looks really tasty and I didn't google what it was. It might be, but it's fish gum. They use this ingredient a ton in Iron Chef. It's like Japanese caviar and it is fish gum.

It's no other thing with fish cup. So this guy, uh, he goes, focus on, and they're like, yeah, what is it? And I was like, meet you, but it's pureing milk, yogurt, prawns, soft blowfish roll and fresh cream. So this fucking maniac is making a fish spur milkshake and everyone who heard this is like, Oh my God, that sounds so good. I'm like, it might be the singularly most fucking disgusting thing I've ever heard. Yeah, the fancier they get, the worse it sounds.

One of the notes I took is that at one point they lead Robuchon onto the floor to watch them work. And so he's leaning over as they cook. And Michiba clearly doesn't give a shit. He looks up, like, who the fuck is this guy and goes right back to cooking and Hattori gives him this look like I've just shit myself and come at the same time. Like he's He's in awe, but also like oh no, this isn't going well.

Um, my my notes from this section are pretty short and succinct. I can I can read them all in this style of Iron Chef if you'd like. Fukuwesan, I feel like I'm watching a man die. You'd think he would not suck at this, but he does. They're just saying he's not going to win. So brutal. And what they call him out so many times. At one point, the announcers say Hattori is in over his head here.

He bit off more than he can chew. And then when the Ota explains that he panicked when he saw the time clock, and Fakui-san rightfully points out, it's not like that's a surprise to him. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Speaking of how to he also made something with soft row. So both these guys saw these like flavorful expensive mushrooms. They're like, oh, I'm going to add some sperm filled fish stick. They're both at the exact same idea. Yeah, gotta get real fancy.

Got to bring out the the the top the big guns for the top chef fish come. I just had some more food notes. How Tori was frying up some foie gras and then mechie bet did some sea urchin. bring out the big guns for the top chef, Fishcombe. I just had some more food notes. Hattori was frying up some foie gras and then Michiba did some sea urchin. So everyone had the same idea to like, let's get the most expensive shit in this kitchen we can find, just the mushiest, most expensive,

dense with flavor things. We're just gonna pile it on. Yep, that's what they do. Ota goes back to the stands to ask Robosh on like, what do you think of all of this? And he seems first of all, just floored by the idea of a cooking competition like televised, which to be fair, this was not done before I am chef.

This set the, this set the sort of default template for cooking reality shows ever since that like, I am not overstating it when I say that this changed the face of reality television forever to the tune of this day like It's it's just crazy to me that the best part of this is the insane professional wrestling Like fanfare and that's the one part they drop like we don't have Bobby flay has no fucking flare. He has no presence when you come out to be He's just like on some all shucks sh Shmo like, oh, I don't know. Maybe I'll do something with bread.

Fuck you, Bobby Flay. Oh, God, I hate Bobby Flay. Yeah, the American version totally blows compared to this. Like if if this was the Japanese version, he would come out in a Luchador mask and do like a backflip and drop a guy Fieri or something. Bobby Flay was on the Japanese version of this. And let me tell you what Bobby Flay's version of Flair was. He stood up on the cutting board at the end of the competition against Morimoto-san.

And he raised his hands up and he said to the crowd, raise the roof, yo. So that's him bringing the fucking show. Fucking Bobby, like that's representing America Bobby play. That's what you're going to do. I've hated him ever since that moment. Like I can't fucking said some shit like I'm the heir to Confederate cooking. All of their resided me exactly. I mean, not that specifically, but yeah, that five.

No, he's come on, he's the heel. You've got it. You're not the good, I'm sorry, you're not the face, Bobby Flay. He should come out holding a handful of ranch dressing. And say, I want them to make a panel of me holding this ranch dressing. I was like, it just lost, it's amazing that we took everything from this except for the style and like, that's the one thing it has, it just lost. And it's amazing that we took everything from this, except for the style. And like, that's the one thing it has. It just in spades.

I think that the Costco was supposed to recreate this because he was like the nephew of Chairman Kaga in the fiction. So Mark Costco's from John Wick three and only the strong brotherhood of the wolf. Classic martial arts. I was good casting. He's got the mania. He's great, but with him, you can tell he's playing a part. He's having fun.

Whereas Chairman Kaga, I have a feeling he goes home and he's that insane the whole day. Yeah, I have a feeling they actually found him, like maybe not legally allowed on the horse farm, but definitely invading it. Like they just found him, somebody called the cops. You know, like it's the fucking horse. We got a guy filling the horses with soft row.

Like, that's it. This guy thinks he's like the Duke of Soup or something. He keeps screaming, I'm the Duke of Soup. Wait, did you say Duke of Soup? Cause I saw a casting call yesterday for a food kumite and they were casting for a Duke of Soup. I just have one question. How many Peacock feathers is he wearing? Oh, 17? That's pretty good. He's in. So whatever, the cooking part is just, it's a cooking show. Like like all this is just to dress up a cooking show

Which I think is the craziest part they did all this to dress up a cooking show When it's all over Hatori has four dishes. They are More food notes. Oh, because Meach of us started making abalone risotto, which is like another probably the most expensive thing you could find. I was trying to figure out what this dish would cost. And I feel like if you ordered an abalone and foie gras and truffles like salad, the menu would just say like MP.

If you asked the waitress how much this is going to cost, she would laugh at you. She'd be like, oh dude, if you're fucking asking, get the hell out of our restaurant. And then I like how Michiba, like in his total lack of days ago, cooking cell just dumps some truffles into some wine. And I'm like, that's that's my iron chip dish. I was like, take the secret ingredient, throw in some Bud Light. Fuck it. Let's party. Focus on. Just looks great.

Just some more. What's great is that after he does that, after he does that, Hatori puts a bunch of truffles and sake and then puts fish come in it. Of course. You gotta have that fish come in it. Oh, Jesus Christ. And like a little pudding cup, a little pudding dish. It's like, oh, you're gonna put truffles in wine. Well, I'm gonna put them in sake with fish kum.

Oh. So, how Torey's just making a mess. So he was trying to make celery root, and it wasn't thickening. So then he comes and he cheats, he just throws a bunch of cornstarch in it. It's like, well, fucking, my grandma can do that, dude. You're supposed to be an iron chef.

And then he adds like a poached egg on top and then has like a few minutes to kill. So he just starts fucking around playing in the eggs. He's like poking at him and getting the yolk to ooze into the food. I'm like, this looks like shit. You're. I don't know. I'm making it worse. Don't poke the egg. He's just tinkering presentation. Yeah. Yeah. So. But you have more. You know, I can we can skip it. The presentation. Yeah. Yeah. So, do you have more? You know, we can skip it.

We got to keep things moving. So, Hattori has four dishes. He has the celery root and truffle puree, foie gras and truffle pie, truffle ice cream, like a basic bitch, and truffle flavored sake and fish kum. Michiba has six. Hold on, hold on. We got to talk about these because the announcer says this sake with truffles and fish come.

He's like, uh, it's enjoyed after stirring the soft row. And so I was really confused because it wasn't clear if there's fish come in it or if it's a drink specifically for after someone has played with some unrelated fish come either way. Yum, yum. Yes, please. But no, it's my main point. Yes, yes, I know that after seeing the tasting, but it's right at the bottom yogurt, except for its fish come at the bottom sake. My point is it's two on

the nose. I think the universe is fucking with us because a glass of sake with the secret luxury ingredient and then also blowfish semen, that's something a mad TV writer's room would land on for their Iron Chef parody after like four hours of deliberation. It's like, it's too elegant to happen naturally, is my point. And I feel like you busted Iron Chef, I know you're fucking with us.

That's my point. Okay, so Michiba has six dishes. One more thing, without the drink, I'm sorry, focus on. Without the drink. You gotta start saying for course on. This is it's the worst showing I've ever seen. The pie is the only thing here you couldn't make it home with sixteen hundred dollars for the mushrooms.

It is. He just made a fucking pile of slime. How Tories Han blew it as hard as you could blow it. And it really is like depressing. And then washed it down with fish. It's piled up with slime with egg. Uh, pie. Truffle ice cream from an ice cream machine, which feels like cheating.

And then. Well, I love that you can tell you've watched a lot of cooking shows, Brockway, because people who watch a lot of cooking shows know that ice cream is the bullshit dessert. Yeah. If they're doing ice cream, it's like, it should be a side for something else. Like, yeah, that's not. It shouldn't be the main thing.

But he just put it on a plate. We're just bullshit. Found an old plate. Yeah. Stuck a fucking wad of ice cream in the middle of a dish. It's all melty. I don't know. Like, the only thing he made was the pie.

Like, he made the ice cream with just a machine. put some truffles and some sake and then he like. He made a soft boiled egg and some goop which is like that's that's what I make if I don't know what I want to have for breakfast. I could it was so bad that it almost seems like this guy has been like a con artist for all these years pretending to know how to cook. And like this is how they entrapmented him. He's a failsafe. Into like showing that he can cook. He's a fucking Nepo Samurai. Oh my god, that's what it is. Yeah, rich parents.

They said it sounds noble when you're like he comes from a long story tradition, 500 years of Samurai cooks. Now he's a Nepo baby, man. Yep. His daddy gave him a cooking college. So if we're done dunking, just absolutely dunking on Hatori's various puddings. He deserved it. Michiba has six dishes.

He has truffle and port wine with champagne, which I know it's kind of just the same thing, but less as Hatori did, but he did it first. So I'm going to give him credit as a boss move. I think if you if you order this in a bar, you call this drink a diarrhea grandpa. He has boiled egg with truffle and turnip, which is fancier than it sounds. It is quite fancy looking. Yeah. He has lobster and truffle salad with abalone and caviar, which as Sean said it's just

It's just ridiculous. It's not even millionaire jambalaya. It's like it is it would cost you $1,200 in a restaurant But it looks garb it looks like a starfish crawled through a clothesline. It's it doesn't look appetizing it, but it looks very expensive He's got a fried truffle spring roll truffle rice porridge and through a clothesline. It doesn't look appetizing, but it looks very expensive. He's got a fried truffle spring roll, truffle rice porridge and steamed blowfish cum with sweet and sour truffle sauce. A better showing. He's got a better showing for sure than Hattori. And at least six dishes and did not look hurried. He made his menu beforehand.

So you got a fucking head start. You got a head start in front of the God of French cooking. So. Yeah. Well, six dishes is like the usual for iron chef too. It's very rare for someone to only come up with three dishes. Like it's like a minimum of four usually. Yeah.

Much less one bullshit one, one legit dish and then two panic dishes is, is maybe the worst anyone's ever done on this show. So it's time for tasting the panel is Joel Roboshan actress my hitajima and Rosanjin scholar Masahiko or Masaki Hirano, who is one of my favorite recurring guests because of the guy who dubs him just doing this creaky old exaggerated kung fu old man voice. Like it would be if you saw that guy doing that voice, if we could have video of that white man doing that voice, you'd be like, that's so fucking racist.

Yeah, he's definitely squinting his eyes and yeah. Yeah. He's he's like miming having a Fu Manchu mustache and you're like, I don't know why that's the line, but that's it. Can't do that. But Rosengine scholar, that's that's a pottery artist, right? Like this is a pottery. No, he was a, I think he was kind of a general like, he's a crafty, he's a craftsman.

But no, he's a cook too. It's culinary. He's like their briat savourine. Okay. Well, they always have people on the show who aren't necessarily like in the culinary world, like actresses. And I mentioned in the Slack that there's a fortune teller who's on it a lot. Yeah, she rules. Yeah, I was like, what is her deal?

And she was kind of like big on the talk show circuit in Japan at the time, but she was most famous for being married to someone who was like a famous Yakuza Lord. Like, Yakuza. Yeah. I'm telling you, they dressed it up, but this show is genuinely, they dress it up as much as you think. Picture Miss Cleo, but she dated Al Capone. Yes, that's exactly, like it was always well to me. They're like, okay, here's your judges on this cooking show.

One of them's a fortune teller. I was like, okay, here's your judges on this cooking show. One of them's a fortune teller. Why is she here? These are, I think, two of my favorite archetypes because the Masaki Hirano, he gets these elaborate metaphors to sort of explain something like, as I swallow the food, it's an orchestra of armies. You're like, what are you trying to say here? He's like, no, no, listen, the ancestor flavor comes through in a way that goes into my ears and then plays with my balls, stimulating my own soft row. You know, you're like, describing things in ways that are not helpful artistically or colonarily. And then the... If you're listening at home, I just want to clarify, the voice Sean is doing is less racist than the one.

Oh, yeah, I didn't even think about it. He's trying his best. Yeah, that was a hybrid of non-racist and the show's version of his voice. Sorry, I should have said that before I started. I promise I would cut it off if Sean started doing the actual voice that they use on the show. My Kitejima, I don't know how often she came back on, but she filled a pretty standard role of a woman being on the show who had no idea what was going on.

Nothing to say. Who had, who's, who's, she filled out all of her scorecard with giggles, just giggles and like stars. Oh, OK. She just came from a set of Japanese saved by the bell. She's like, now, what is fruit? This tastes very interesting. See, I love Hirano, the Rosengine scholar, because like, like 50, no, like 70% of the time, he's what you said, where he's like,

this dish is like the curves of fine pottery in my neck. You're like, OK. And then some episodes, he will just look at the iron chef straight in the eye and go, this is good, yum. Like I don't know what, if it's like an old guy thing, but some episodes he just is,

like I watched an episode just a couple of days ago where literally all he said was, I'm having a great time. Maybe those are the ones where he's just hungry and he dropped by and was like, hey, are you doing one today? He just shows up drunk like it's, I know, I know it's eight in the morning, but it's late to me. You got any food?

I'll tell him it's like pottery in my neck or whatever. I don't give a shit. Right. There's a couple other recurring guests that are not on the show. I just really want to call out Japanese rapper corn with a K Who brings who brings hip-hop style and never takes off his sunglasses. I love him so much My absolute favorite recurring guest is as a novelist his name's Tommy okakeyama and he's just he's just a little freak He's just a little freak and everyone knows it

They do they do him so dirty He looks like a little lizard and the dubbing they give him is like just a weird hyper nerd voice and they give him all The weird noises to make which they don't do to anybody else. They just decide he makes terrible eating noises In one episode they cut to him like it's's his turn, because they go in order, they show like the first judge and then they'll say something, second judge. So they go to the first judge, the first judge says something, they go and then they go to him and he looks like really elegant like he's about to say something and then he just makes a weird noise because it's too hot and then they smash cut away, his segment is over,

I actually have that clip. And now the cream stew will be served in the fried spring roll skin bowls. Oh! The bell peppers at an ageing... What the fuck was that? I didn't think he'd die. He has jammed it in his throat had a cut away from his death. And then the lady next to him immediately is just the bell peppers they add. We have to move on from this.

To add to his point of horc I'd like to add. I want to say, hold on, it's not the only time he does this. My favorite clip is in Battle Turkey where they hand him this little tiny seaweed taco the size of two of your fingers and he leans over as if to take a little delicate nibble and then crabs the crammed the whole thing in his neck hole so the dub crew did this to him. Smelling the soy sauce as it sizzles on the griddle is quite tantalizing. Wrapped in seaweed, it's ready to go.

What? Oh fuck. This is such a gruff. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. They just do it. They roll so dirty on him. He is just so...

That is a... That is a... That is a... That is a... That is a... That is a... That is a... That is a... That is a... That is a... That is a... Just do it. They roll so dirty on him. He is just so... That is a phonetic harp.

A harp. They hopped him. They hopped my boy. That voice is the worst thing we've ever heard on this show. Quite hand-delighting. He's a weird little Weasley pervert voice. That's a panty-sn sniffing voice is what that is. Like you, you just decided he's the enemy. Uh, and then they do him so they just have him. He's the only one.

They never do that fucking noise for anybody else, but multiple times of him just going, blah, blah. Yeah. Why would you need to dub that? Like we can hear, we understand when someone goes, that's a universal fucking language. Wrangler looking motherfucker. All right, back to the side. Just had to get those clips out.

So back to the show. Hattori is judging us up first. He starts to say something really condescending. Fucker. He starts off so condescending about truffles. He's like, just the truffles. Like he starts saying how they won't know what truffles are. And like, basically, you won't appreciate this because you're Japanese.

I think just trying to like appeal to Roboshan on that level. He's what does he say? Give some advice to me. He's like, guys, listen, when you're trying out to be an iron chef, you got to not be intimidated by the cost. You got to just go crazy. Make a $1,500 sandwich. And after all of that, he asks them to please enjoy his sake truffle and fish come cocktail and Robuchante sit and says, this is very unusual. And then Hattori kind of giggles and then he like looks at it for a long time and goes very, very unusual and Hattori finally goes, oh

That was invite this tastes very unusual and then oh Yeah, that's the the princess Amidala meme. She's like this tastes unusual Unusual a good way, right? And then he just tears at him Nope Everyone digs his truffle and egg puree thing sort of like medium. Okay. Sure. His truffle pie Robocheon says, I wish you would cook this a little bit longer.

And it's like spitting in his wife's face. It's just the most insult you can give a man. I'm assuming he has that. Society, that cold Putin vibe. Like he does look like a KGB officer. And so like when he gives these digs where you're like, as a legendary, you know, French chef, you don't want to hear criticism from him,

but he also delivers it in a way where it's like, you will be killed tomorrow. Yes, you have displeased me. If this was my native France, you would be thrown into the sewer where you would live the rest of your life. My agents. Preparing food for the rats.

Preparing feces for the rats. As you deserve. As you're, he gives them the truffle ice cream and Robichon is clearly like, yeah, people do this all the time. Like this is level one shit. He does say, good, and that's it. Yep. Good. Just

Just a C plus metal chop student good Go get out of here Go enlist he must feel like shit. He came in here holding an apple like they're gonna make a painting of him And the one guy he clearly like he said at the start you Japanese won't even know what this is, right? Right, Roboshan? Roboshan was the one who hated it the most. I fucking hate this. And now it's time for Michiba.

Michiba, who I will remind you said at the start of this battle, I don't know what this is, whatever. That's what he said when they asked him what this ingredient was and what he was gonna to do with it. Everybody thinks his truffle wine is just fine. Well, he like he said basically he says, yeah, I made a bunch of recipes

I know and I just took out the shiitake mushroom that you'd normally use put in truffle mushroom. It's fucking not so hard, buddy. You just... It's so casually insulting. That sounds like a horrible idea though, like because truffle is so much more flavorful than than like shiitakes. I would say that everything he made was super truffly. I would imagine.

But it fucking works for him. His sweet and sour blowfish come. Robuchan is blow the fuck out of the water by that. Just like this is amazing. Kirano says, I feel the body of Michiba's truffle spring roll. It is a very noble flavor. Then he took a bite and went, HORP!

HORP! HORP! HORP! I got cut right away from him. Quick cut away. I thought the idea of a noble flavor. Noble flavor. This flavor insulted my father.

Yeah. This one. That's what I mean. That guy just throws these adjectives in and nothing to do with food or the artistic interpretation of food. The lobster and truffle salad, Hirano says, the fruit of his tireless efforts. I don't know. He's getting real erotic. Closer.

Right. It's still not food criticism, but it's at least almost descriptive. Robuchan loves his truffle rice porridge so much, he says, I was really moved today, and that's it. That's when you can see Hattori's soul leave his body. Just they, Robuchan is going to leave that, that competition like hand in hand with Michiba. They're best friends now. They're gonna kiss.

Like he's the best man at his wedding and since he's French, I'm assuming it's a child. I'm sorry I said we were gonna get racial with it. We got this. Yeah. My kid Ajima just like giggles through the whole meal. What does she say at one point? She goes, this is so good.

I'm out of words. One of the dishes, she just laid an egg. She just said, let me express myself by laying a tiny egg. And like that's, they just fucking says it all. It covers her mouth and giggles and then makes a little star shape with her hands, but it actually appears on screen, sparkling. So onto judging. Now Chairman Kaga reiterates the stakes here. If Hattori

wins, he becomes an iron chef. It seems so cruel to reiterate these stakes right now when it's so clear what just happened. We all know what's going to happen, including both of the contestants. One is like, got a huge smile on his face and the other looks like he just watched his dog die. Hattori knows. Heatori knows there's no doubt. There's Mechiba cooked it. Served it to Ro Wushan and Ro Wushan said I wept at your Hatori's dog and fish spur milkshake. I wish you would come attend and be my be my son's godfather.

I don't have a son yet, but I'm gonna have one just so you can do the godfather of that son. And I will name him Hatori, just fucking kidding. Just kidding, you get out of here, man. I love the long meandering recap because they're all sitting here waiting for the dramatic reveal and then Got that floor reporter is it Fukui-san who does the like the wrap-up? It just goes on

He says he says the shit about his friends, right? Right? He says Regardless of the outcome I will I will continue to call both men friends like Wait, hold on. Why did you need to specify that? Because everybody else is not talking to the guy that loses. That's true. You're after he embarrassed himself this badly. Like that's actually a pretty bold move from Fakoi. So he's already helping him cope with it.

He's like, because a Toris on is going to go home and be like, I'm alone. I've ruined my life. But then he'll be able to take my words with him. No, I still have one friend. They're gonna, they're gonna strip him. They all know my secret that I cannot cook. That I, that I can't, I don't know what food is.

I've actually never seen it before. I've served Joe Rowshawn, a cup of wine with the fish sperm and he had to stir it quickly before he drank it. And he said, this is weird. Of course, Michiba wins by a mile, just spanked to Tori, spanked his traitor ass in front of his own God. It's incredible. That's it for the episode.

I do wanna say, later on in Iron Chef in their final reunion special, they kill off the character of Chairman Kaga and they say he died from improperly prepared blowfish. Fucking top notch shit. Yeah, that's what they did. Amazing. That's what they did. I know that that can like actually kill you if it's done wrong. It's it's incredible. That makes sense. That's it's done wrong. It's incredible.

That makes sense. That's how he would die. I get it. When he called in sick one time, they said, he's so disgusted with his iron chefs, he won't even show up. And then when he said like, no, I've got another gig, I can't come back for the reunion, they're like, he died from eating poison blowfish. That's such fucking heat. I just know cooking show. back for the reunion, they're like, he died from eating poison blowfish. That's such fucking heat. I just know cooking show.

None of our bullshit cooking shows match that heat fucking fucking Bobby Flay, asshole Guy Fieri and in kayfabe. He doesn't do shit. Ina Garten would never die by eating blowfish. She's not cool enough. Don't call me. Don't die by eating cock. That lady fucks. Jamie cut that, you can cut that, Jamie. I love Ida Garten.

I do too, but I know that five minutes after meeting her what we'd be doing. That lady, that lady's sexuality. She loves Jeffrey. Just, yeah, her and Jeffrey fuck every house guest they have over. Oh no, don't ruin Ida Gardner for me. They're absolutely the basis of that old SNL sketch with Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratches'

swingers in the hot tub. Like that is where that came from, 100%. You just are on a rampage, ruining my favorite media. You're coming for Golden Girls. You're coming for Ida Garten. Jesus Christ, what did I do to you? I'm just trying to help you enjoy things on an extra level. That is our Iron Chef show.

There will be no reunion. We all died from bacon poisoning, improperly prepared bacon. And I'll just leave you with a harp smelling the soy sauce as it sizzles on the griddle is quite tantalizing wrapped in seaweed it's ready to go 1.100 Frankfurt! Unser Podcast knallt! Und mit Maximale im Tchau! Sagt Frankfurt Podcast? Chodäkt!

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