The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 167, Knight Rider's Racist Birthday Cake Samurai Episode With Dan McQuade

Episode Date: March 20, 2024

Seanbaby invites the sensual Brockway and the golden man, Dan McQuade, to his special samurai birthday party where they discuss Mouth of the Snake, a bizarre backdoor pilot episode of Knight Rider. And the novelization! Of the episode of Knight Rider!

1-900-HOT-DOG 1-900-HOT-DOG Our podcast slams with maximum hype! Say Hot Dog Podcast Word! Yeah! When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour! Come on!

You know the numbers! 1-900 1-900-HOT-DOG Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of the internet's final thing, 1900hotdog.com. We are the sole human survivors of the content robot wars, and every day you can come to our site for new jokes, handwritten about cursed items dropped here by the wrong universe.

We live by the only business model that still works. People who pay for entertainment, give us money. Go to patreon.com slash 1900 hotdog and subscribe now. Patrons get all the week's articles, bonus podcasts, discord events and a non-zero chance of meeting and falling in love with me, the World Wide Web's Sean Mabey. I'm here with my partner, Beef Digests runner-up for salami slab of 2014, beefy Bobby Brockway. Always the runner-up and never the salami slab. Ain't that the way it goes. I'm Bobby Brockway. Always the runner up and never the salami slab. Ain't that the way it goes.

I'm Robert Brockway. Here's a Brockway fact. 30 years ago, I hunted a man for sport and he got away for now. No follow up questions. Is that man, oh, you're right. Today we're joined again by hot dog favorite, co-founder and editor of defector.com, a certified Grobowski, Philly's own Dan McQuade.

Welcome back. Thanks for having me again, despite the apparent distaste with my choice of Golden Girls for my previous appearance. There was distaste. I learned that from listening to Lydia on the podcast episode a few weeks ago, where she was like, oh, the girls in the gays are going to be mad. And I would like to say, I hope I've been on this show enough that I can be trusted that if I pick something and it sounds pretty normie, it will be an unhinged episode of that normal thing.

She had to admit we made her admit. Yes, of course. Yeah, yeah. I just just just you know, call me some slack Lydia. I'm calling you out. I have an official policy that if you would deport Mario Lopez in any piece of media, I will talk about that. And favorably. Well, we'll see. We'll see how it's handled. I don't think Mario Lopez gets deported in what we're talking about today. He should have been.

I feel like that should be the finale of all good shows. He could have been in that mine. Dan, you always invalidate half our intro bit because Defector is one of the rare modern internet success stories. Have you been working on anything fun over there or is it all new baby for you? It is all new baby for me. I am on parental leave right now, which is very exciting. Because we are a worker co-op, I get six months of parental leave, which is probably because

why our job opening just got like 700 applications or something like that. Yeah. Also, there's nowhere left. But I did, the last thing I wrote before I left was I interviewed a guy who plays Nintendo 64 games with his drum set. He has a drum kit set up that uses some sort of different modulators to turn it in, you know, it like gives you MIDI outputs and the MIDI outputs are turned into N64 controller inputs and he literally does like a 16 star run in Mario 64 in like 20 minutes. So with the drums?

Yeah, like he like different parts of the, you know, it's only like a five or six drum drum kit And he just like different parts of the drums correspond to like different movements or different, you know buttons and You know like Mario 64, you know, the Nintendo 64 controller is like weird. It's basically a drum kit. Yeah Yeah, it's like extra impressive that like oh he he does this like very strange thing. So I interviewed this guy, CZR Drums, if you Google that, I'm sure it'll come up. Or not, now that Google is just full of AI nonsense. That's true. Yeah, that's a bold claim. You always got to caveat that with.

It could just be like, I don't know, WikiHow spam, cracked spam, AI spam of something, no matter what you look up. Defector Media, defector.com, does not use any artificial intelligence. And we have writers and you can subscribe. And I think you get a couple free articles if you give us your email. And I think we have a lot of good content.

You won't get me for six months. It's true. But we'll see. I think I do have lot of good content. You won't get me for six months, but we'll see. I think I do have some stuff in the can, but I may need to edit it. And we'll see if I open my email in the next six months. My goal is kind of not to, but it is... Man, you're not working at all. That would drive me crazy. Yeah, exactly. It does. I've already been like, ooh, what freelance articles could I pitch?

And I'm like, no, no, I need to stop. I need to take a break. It's very hard to not work. My wife and I are off together for the first time since a little bit in 2020, but we were like planning to factor at that time. So I was kind of working. Um, I guess we were off in like March, 2020, but that wasn't particularly a great time. So yeah, for those of you who don't know, we all quit Deadspin in 2019. We found the effector about 10 months later. It was obviously very stupid to quit my job at the end of 2019 when

I was like, oh, I'm going to get a bunch of freelance work. And I did. And then the world shut down and all my freelance work dried up. Well, I saw the dead spin. I'm sure you saw this. It just got bought by a European investment firm and fired everyone in America. Yeah, by a new company based in Monaco, which is... My guess is they're going to try to turn it into... Monaco just got sports gambling, I believe. So my guess is they're going to use that branding for their sports book. I don't think Deadspin had a huge European readership or much of a readership at all. The last time Deadspin made news was when they ran a photo, it was like someone's photo

of a television of like a Chiefs fan in like stereotypical Native American garb. And his face was like, oh, also it was a child. He was like nine. And his face was like half black, half red. And like, I guess like the Chiefs are red and white, but like they have black accent colors. But all that, all you could see in the photo was like the black half of his face like, like he was doing a Roddy Piper at WrestleMania six, but not Yeah, sure.

blackface. Just, and they ran a story that was like, you know, what like the NFL needs to answer for this fan in blackface or whatever. And then obviously, I can see clicking on obviously, I can see clicking on that. I can see why that was. It was not the best article though. And they're being sued over it. I don't really know if the kid has a case he might. I thought they weren't going to sue because there was a story where the lawyer was like, you apologize or we're going to sue. And to me, that's generally code for like, ah, we don't actually have a lawsuit, you know, like generally you would just say, but yeah, if you I wrote a long article on that when that happened on defector.com. You brought us something today that you wanted to talk about. And it is it is really something we're talking about Knight Rider season two episodes 21 and 22. The mouth of a Snake. This was 1984. Wait, that's not what I wanted

to play. I was going to play the Golden Girls theme song. Oh shit, I hit the Knight Rider theme song. This is so weirdly not appropriate for the show. Because he completely exists, they already know who he is. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law. Just so bad. It's so hard. He's such a mooner.

It is a great 80s synthwave tune. It may be the best one. I can't think of another that stands up like that. Like that sounds like the shit we're doing today is like a throwback. Yeah, like I think that's better than the Miami Vice theme, but it's not as good as Axl F from from Beverly Hills Cop. Oh, yeah, that's that's hard to dethrone. But yeah, it's really funny that they're like, this shadowy flight into this dark man's obsession, and then they show fucking David Hasselhoff.

Dark man's obsession and then they show fucking David Hasselhoff He's not like he's I don't know like he's pretty ubiquitous I can explain the plot the overarching plot of the show if you want not this episode, but like the Whole show I think we've all got it. He's a mooner. He does not exist done We know what we need to know. Talking car. Cars a nerd and he's a he's a he's a jock who fucks. So it's it's classic odd couple. But this episode it opens. There's not a lot of Knight

Rider in this episode. It opens on a knife throwing act on a boat, which is like, weirdly intense. We don't know who any of these people are. His assistant seems really not into it. And so we're kind of left with this mystery of, what are we looking at? Who is this? But Dan and I both read the novelization. It's called The 24 Karat Assassin.

And it added some extra intensity. Let me read from it here. Thunk, another of the nasty things, lodged itself into the cabin exterior's wall, an equal distance from her opposite ear. Her green oriental eyes lost their hooded sensual aspect and now silently begged for her release. She stared at the golden man.

The golden man, the main bad guy, is named Eduardo O'Brien, because he's half Mexican and half Irish. And that means gold. That means gold. The book seems to think that when you have two people from different races breed, they mix paint and create a perfect Crayola.

They talk about him like he's a fucking Twilight vampire in that book. He's constantly mentioning, he has gold, he has goldschlager eyes. Yes. He has gold flakes in his eyes from his Mexican Irish ancestry. What the fuck are you talking about?

No one had ever thought to date, An Irish person never thought, you know, I should go out with someone from Mexico. His parents were the first ones to think of it, and it created this impossible chimera of golden power. Is it a leprechaun joke, maybe? I'm just trying to figure out. I totally took it as just casual racism. Oh, god.

It's just so weird. It's such weird casual racism. Why would you ever assume a pairing of any two people would turn a man into gold? And he's not being artful. He says gold every single time and he describes like how he sparkles. He does. He sparkles. a different title. It's called The 24 Carat Assassin. This episode is also called All That Glitters, which was the... This is a backdoor pilot. And that was what the show was going to be called, had they made it. This happened a lot, like back in the 70s and 80s. Like someone would write a pilot, and it's hard to get a pilot made. So they would just be like, well, what if we just took this to Knight Rider?

And we just did a Knight Rider episode, but it was actually this guy's show. Or you see this, I guess Bonanza did this a lot. I don't have a ton of good examples, but you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. The one I remember is Married with Children had an episode that just focuses on two other random dudes. It's Joey from Friends, Matt LeBlanc and his father or something. At the end, Al Bundy just comes in and steals their TV.

That's the only time it's like a Madden's Children episode. It's, it's a, it's a very weird, like, I guess I get the idea behind it, but it definitely was a weird thing that, that TV did for a while. But here on the golden man's boat, there's this, a majestic white Lorenzo llamas crawls out of the bay and he scurries up the rope onto the boat and they kind of really linger on it like they're trying to show off how Jackie Chan this dude is but I don't know they didn't sell it very well. They don't do a lot of explaining here the knife

thrower is the boss Edward I'm skipping way ahead to actually know his name I don't think we learned his name for like 40 minutes. They're doing some unexplained crime. And then Lorenzo Lamas, is he slinking around the boat? And then they almost catch him. He jumps off and he hangs on the rope. Again, I'm really trying to sell his, like this is a super rope guy.

But I'm pretty sure we had to do these exercises to pass the presidential fitness test when I was in seventh grade. So like, it's like, they're not selling me on this guy's amazing physical prowess yet. They will later, to the max. But I don't know, I guess I remember this era of TV as more fast paced, because we're eight minutes in

and no one has really said or done anything. And now like we cut to the woods and people who don't know are just hanging out out having cigarettes. I use the standard of pacing a lot but the A-Team would have already freed three of its members from prison and had a full plot explained to them by a hot girl they saved from a bar brawl and here in this Knight Rider episode we haven't even seen Knight Rider. One thing I really liked about the boat is that they like hear him or something, right? And he sneaks off and hangs on the rope. But

like, he would be leaving wet, like footprints, absolutely over they'd be able to track him very easily. And somehow, they they fail to I genuinely thought at this point of the show that he kind of was like a bionic man or had some sort of a I don't know, magic. So I thought like maybe that's why he's not wet, that he could like shimmy the water off like a bionic dog.

He's supposed to be the six million dollar man. Like that's, there's, especially when they get to his scenes where he displays his supernatural hopping powers. Like that's a six million dollar man, but they just don't make the noise. I think he, I think he, reading the book and watching the show, I decided at the end that this is a guy who just is very, very skilled. He just trains a lot. He eats right. He does jump 40 feet straight up in the air. Yeah, he does a couple of impossible things. I don't think veganism gives you a 40 foot

vertical leap. I know some vegans, it's like an eight foot vertical leap because they don't have like the meat in their colon, weighing them down. Right, they have the hollow bones. Yeah, but no, he leaps straight up 40 feet and like with a horizontal leap of like 100 feet. Yeah. It's absurd. So he's describing veganism.

All right, I guess you're from San Francisco, you got better vegans than we do. They got top notch vegans. So yeah, fine. Finally, what are we like 10 minutes and 25% into a normal show, we finally see the star of the show kit. And his sidekick David Hasselhoff, They're having a nice drive very far from the action where a guy got murdered. And they're discussing robot racism. They're discussing car robot racism.

The exact opposite of action. Kit's trying to understand why all men can't live in peace. I actually have a clip. Some traveler you've made. Michael, I have a clip. Ha ha ha, some traveler you've made. Michael, I really don't understand borders and different countries. You're old people, aren't you? Sure, we got different languages, cultures, customs.

Of course, but why compartmentalize yourselves? Wouldn't it be easier to just live together without all these artificial lines? Probably, but you sure put a lot of politicians out of business. I love it. I love that Michael's kind of a little bit on the side of, you know, maybe racism is good.

Robots are like, are you really so different? And he's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny you mention that, because the novelization fleshed it out a lot more. It explored how a borderless world would help erase our differences, right? Like Kit references the binary language of his processor

and how it unites all machines, but it doesn't convince Michael. Here's an excerpt from the novel. He considered Kit's question, then answered, "'Your way might be easier, but it would certainly be dull.' "'Dull? I don't understand.' Michael delivered his punchline. "'But then you'd never know why making love

"'to a German girl could be just as good while being completely different from making love to a Russian girl. That's so beautiful. Can you explain? Fucking. The book is so horny. I've been waiting for you to ask me this, Kit.

It's the horniest, like softcore book you could possibly ask for. Everybody's just horny, horny, horny all the time, including Michael when he's talking to Kit. Kit's just gotta be like, it must be weird for like a human to be in you and have a boner, and you're just transporting him around. Is that weird?

I feel like a lot of people live that every day. You transport him around? Oh, okay, that part, no, not so often. I guess, hold on, piggyback fetish is probably a thing. So yeah, you're right. I'm sorry, I retract that statement. It's a piggyback fetish. I like how Michael picks, he's like,

making love to a central European woman is very different than making love to an Eastern European woman. Like, come up with something a little better than that like then people who live you know, 1000 miles apart or something. Making love to like a bitch and trans am is really different than making love to like an AMC gremlin, you know. The trans ams America in this analogy. Are you getting it?

I'm rock hard. I don't know if I get it, but I'm fucking into it. So we find out the man who got murdered was a lawyer investigating this criminal empire. I guess he was some kind of super lawyer who did his own night vision wet work. So I love that he wears his full tan suit to do his night vision wet work in the middle of the desert. Yeah.

Complete with tie. And so Michael Knight is with his wife, his widow, and she gives him only a name, Boca Culebra, and a Shard of Pottery, which is what you call a Shard of Pottery. My daughter taught me that from Minecraft. So then she comes with Michael Knight that night to the Combat Zone investigation,

and he introduces her to Kit, which is like a special moment, right? Like, this is a talking car. He goes, this is Kit. He's my computer, my car, my partner, and my friend. And she's like, all right, fine. Doesn't say anything. Like, they don't give the actress a line to say,

and she makes the acting choice to just not give a fuck. But luckily, the novelization fleshes this scene out. Let me read from it. Joanna gawked at the Voxbox as Kit spoke. Suddenly the mysterious readouts, the jumping lights before her, took on a sinister aspect, and she shifted in her seat. Relax, said Michael. Kit, that's this car.

He patted the dashboard as he said it is the latest surprise that microcomputer era has in store for normal citizens just like you. She looked at Michael as though he just sprouted a third eye in the middle of his forehead. I was afraid of something like this. So she sees Kit as like the realization of some dark future seesaw coming,

which I think is better than just nothing. I don't know. It's just I feel like the novel is so much better than the show. In the episode, yeah, she just takes Kit as like, yep. Yep. OK. Pretty sweet. Yep. Oh, yeah. Talking car. Yeah. Trans Am, right? Like they all do that. It's like you got to opt for you got to opt in. It's like optional cup holders and personality. I think in the book, he defuses that scene by being like,

he says, he's a pretty neat guy. He's a real regular, pretty neat guy. Yep. And she's just like, what the fuck does that mean? He's a card though. He's a Trans Am though. So what happens? They follow some tracks, they find some more pottery. It's got card though. He's a Trans Am though. So what happens? They follow some tracks, they find some more pottery.

It's got gold traces. So this is your classic gold-filled pottery scheme. Afterwards, there's a weird scene where Michael tries to comfort her. They've been doing a lot of venturing together and now he feels like they're close enough for him to do this. Okay, you've had your say, now it's my turn. Joanna, I've never been married, but I've been in love, and I know how hard it is to lose that.

Look, I can only guess what you're going through right now, but I know it's probably the hardest thing you ever had to face. Joanna, you're stretched tighter than a drum, I can see it in your eyes. You know it's okay to cry. Oh, ah! You can hear the Tinder moment got interrupted by action.

Okay, off screen action. He walks into the hotel room and then you just hear him go, gah! Gah! He just eats shit off screen. I just wanted to show that most people say Kit is the real star of the show, because he is.

But a car can't do that. Kit's not only a robot, he's also a nerd. He can't comfort a woman like that. And so I just wanted to show a moment where Michael Knight shined. Anyway, this was Rope Guy who was in her hotel room, who bashed his way out and he like gymnasts up to the roof and escapes.

And then Michael Knight runs down and finds him immediately and the guy's like, he changed his shirt. And he's like, geez, I'm not the guy you're looking for. What the heck? And it immediately doesn't work. You're like, ooh, this guy must be clever. Michael Knight's like, thatez, I'm not the guy you're looking for. What the heck? And it immediately doesn't work. You're like, oh, this guy must be clever. Michael Knight's like, that dude just fucking tried that. I changed my shirt, and I'm a different guy shit on me.

So he tells Kit to follow him. I just don't know what we're doing. This has got to be 20 minutes into the show. I love that strategy. Because we've established that he's like, OK, this is 1984. It's parkour when we talk about, oh, he has all these acrobatics and stuff. It's literally parkour.

He's parkouring around and that's his superpower. That in a fucking 50 foot vertical leap. We've established that he could just like run forever. And what he does is he jumps out of the hotel and then just lands in the parking lot and walks back around to the front, specifically to run into Michael. And then he's like, hey, I'm not doing nothing special. the hotel and then just lands in the parking lot and walks back around to the front specifically to run into Michael.

And he's like, Hey, I'm not doing nothing special. It's like I fucking I fucking saw it. I looked at you like I'm a different guy. See, I'm a guy. I don't have a jacket. The guy you're looking for had a jacket. The guy you're looking for was jumping. He was in the air.

I'm on the ground. Different guys. So now we go back to the the knife throwers boat. No, not the air. I'm on the ground. Different guys. So now we go back to the knife thrower's boat. No, not the boat. They're outside. They're installing a missile revolver in the back of a semi, which is so sweet. This is maximum 1984.

I think I had 15 versions of this toy as a kid. I always lost the missiles though. Yeah. I think the fall guy pulled up behind one of these things twice a month. It's just, they were just all over the highway, these missile trucks. Michael Knight goes to the border again. You can tell when they get there because the Spanish guitar kicks in.

I like his nice touch. He has a this is a great Knight Rider gag where he has the car drive away to distract everyone. Then he jumps onto the truck to do the investigating. He finds the gold-filled pottery, and he's like, what the fuck? Gasp, freeze frame, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do, whatever. I'm trying to rush through this because the show was not as respectful to your time.

So now he rides this truck all the way to the bad guy's base and hops out of the truck, runs immediately into a guard dog, turns around and runs immediately into all the guards and they're just going to execute him. They don't care who he is. They're just like, oh, who's this guy? Fuckin' I don't care. Let's shoot him. We're just paying his brains all over our secret warehouse. I guess it's hard to imagine anyone doing a worse job. He had no exit strategy other than hoping they were going to drop off the millions of dollars

in illegal gold at an empty place and then leave. That's the only way his plan would have worked. And that's not what they did. So it didn't work. I love that in the book, you can compare it in the book in the show. He just it's pretty quick. He hops out of the truck and then he runs into a dog. The dog barks at him. He's like, oh, I fucking give up. That was it. it that was it for me I don't want to get barked at it makes me scared and the book he tries he tries being real chill about it in the book he's like hey brother I'm a cool guy I was just hitchhiking back in your truck I was just uh just just just car in the highway that's what we call it and I'm gonna go outside and smoke some weed. Hey All right. See you later. And then they they just don't buy it at all in the book

They just like okay no and that's the end of it So he does a whole skit about how he's what he thinks like a hippie hitchhiker would be and they're like well We're just gonna kill you is the end of that scene Makes him look like such a dipshit. Everybody's trying to trick each other and it never works on anybody. So the rope man, he's like running through the warehouse and he like flips off a trampoline. And it's just so clearly a trampoline.

He hops onto the trampoline, does a flip off the trampoline. And so I think, I don't think there's a trampoline there. I think this man can summon trampolines. I think that's part of his power. And it will explain a lot of the later scenes. Yeah, that would explain a lot of things. I just think he's the $6,000 man.

That's a bargain for a bionic man, for sure. Yeah, he's a bargain. I'll give him that. What does he have? He's got rope, he's got trampoline. No lasers, no. Yeah, those are his only two powers, really. Super speed, no, no, no.

Very normal human speed. He has hop and swim. We established that. So he's really clever. powers, really. Super speed? No, no, no, very normal human speed. He has hop and swim. Reestablish that. So he's really clever. Oh, no. How long does it take for him to hop? Oh, like 20 camera cuts. He has to really focus on something before he hops onto it.

So he like escapes easily, just flipping and jumping off the roofs and it blows Kit's mind. like Michael leaves and gets in kit. There's a little bit of punching kid is the only one who is like, who the hell is this guy? I've never seen anybody be able to jump that way. He's the only person or car in the only character in the show who questions why this man can super jump right?

He doesn't he questions it like it might not be human. He says who or what is that? Yeah. Like, he's fully on board of this thing being a robot. So, Michael, he like jumps out of the sunroof to tackle him, and this guy gets up in a full Kung Fu pose, and then Michael wants none of it. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

same side, don't hit me, please, I'm sorry, you can have my show, I'm sorry. And... I like that he dive tackled him just to be friends. Like, immediately he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, same side. Don't hit me, please. I'm sorry. You can have my show. I'm sorry. And I like that he died. Tackled him just to be friends. Like immediately he's like, hey, we're on the same side. What the fuck are you dive? Tackled me at 50 miles an hour out of a trans am. Like if that's not how you challenge someone to a fight,

you make love weird. Yeah. He could have just driven by and said, hey buddy, we're same side. Thank you for rescuing me. We're both good guys. Right. You didn't need to do a flying highway tackle.

Fucking heck saw Jim Duggan's him. So the novelization actually gave us a good look inside Michael's head in this moment. I want to read from it. The man in black knew how to fall down, realized Michael. The most important rule of physical combat, he used his inertia to come back to his standing position, but being tangled in Michael's grasp threw his

balance off. They scrambled around on the ground for a moment. Michael's benefactor managed to get to his feet first, and when Michael stood up, he found himself facing down the hard brown eyes behind the ninja mask. The man in black had assumed an offensive stance. If Michael were to try anything, he was sure his brains would go flying all over the parking lot, thanks to some obscure oriental death blow. They all know the dimmach. It's a real thing and everyone knows it. I guess that's all wordless. It's hard to put that in the show.

I feel like they tried to express that with his kung fu pose, but but wasn't as rich. So after he does like a pointless flip over the barbed wire fence, like right into the path of Kit. So like it's like, how is he this stupid, but whatever. But then Michael says, tell Devin that's like his boss at the he works for the foundation for law and government. He goes tell Devin to send someone down to the warehouse. I want those guards busted and out of the way. Is that how it works? How can you just be like, hey, tell somebody to arrest those guys who we just beat up. Yeah, Flag is pretty, pretty obviously a fascist organization. The Foundation for Law and Government, it's called Flag, like, it's right there. Yeah. Yeah. I don't buy it. I really like Devin. I looked him up on IMDB, and it always says known for, and there's a bunch of eclectic things.

This one's just Knight Rider, Knight Rider 2000. And his characters are Devin Miles and fake Devin Miles. And I just, I don't know why it made me laugh so hard. But like, this guy is known for Devin Miles and fake Devin Miles. So, okay, now our heroes are meeting. And this guy's name is David. He hates computers. He works alone. They already know everything about each other. They're both just spouting exposition. But like they're the same. Only one man keeps his talking car on the inside. I

don't fucking know what they're going for here. They're back at Joanna's hotel room. The case is solved. David knows everything. All they need is some proof. My notes say that Hasselhoff has three feet of furry cleavage. Don't know why I wrote that down. Don't know why it's important. I just don't want to skip another instance of the dumbest plan I've ever heard not working at all. So he...

Right. So Michael comes back to Joanna's hotel room and David is looting it. He's looking around for information. He sees that somebody's coming in and he just hops on the bed and pretends to be reading a newspaper. So Michael's like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, oh, I'm best friends with whoever is lives here. It's like, no, you're not.

And then she shows up. She shows up immediately after this and says, who the fuck is this guy? And he's like, ah, well, I guess we're not best friends. Why include any of that? Why any of that scene? It's like the whole show is padding. There's so many improvised bad plans that immediately afterwards, everybody involved is like, that didn't fucking work. Why did you do that?

Yeah, that was weird. It's so it's so weird. Plus, everybody already knows what's happening. That it's a mystery. The audience knows the answer to and we're watching the heroes piece it together, like Fargo, but dumb. And also, I really like the good guys' chances here. The bad guys have a middle-aged knife thrower, a missile truck. And we have a supercar and a Jim Cotta.

I'd say the odds have us at negative 300. The good guys are heavy favorites. And then maybe you guys know what the shit happens here. There's the missile trucks out on the highway and then a highway patrolman pulls up behind him. They fucking explode the cop in broad daylight. I love this scene. So the sakes of this scene are they're driving the truck,

right, and it has the secret weapon. And what they do is they run the scale that weighs the trucks, which you don't even have to stop all the way on those scales. They just weigh you. It wouldn't have done nothing. And then the cop just goes to pull them over for it. So they nuke him with like a hundred thousand dollar top secret missile to get out of a $40 ticket like tops.

Right. It's incredible. I think they did it just to keep everyone awake. I think they realized. Because back in the main plot, David is explaining every detail to Michael on a leisurely drive. And I swear to God, it's going to sound like I'm kidding, but they cut to a tea party. So I think the editor was right to go back two scenes and just add a senseless cop murder. Joanna has, she's got them invited to a party with the main bad guy, which was quite a feat. They're like, no one can get an invite to this party. And Joanna is like, Oh, I got an invite. So they wanted to show

that she's very capable. And she wants Michael to be her date. And he's like, Fuck yeah, like instantly, like, urgently, instantly, like, I think David is into her. Or I'm sorry, Michael. Oh, yeah, every episode of this show, except for this one, ends with like him getting kissed by the woman. Yes, he's rescued. Not like I said, Michael got this whole show taken from him by this guy, including the love interest because I guess first

like David has to do some more backstory. So he's like, I'm too good for cookies. And everyone thinks it's really cute, because it's his backstory for the spin-off show and not a cantankerous health nut judging them. So Michael and David jog over. They find some missiles. And then we watch the bad guys load these missiles into a truck.

And when I say we watch them do this, I mean we watch the guy get out of the truck, get into a forfeit, grab the crane. Every step of the process. It's fucking incredible. This could have been seven minutes this whole episode if they were more aggressive with their cutting. They also jog into this warehouse for they're jogging for no reason. And they're you know, thanks to the HD version of it that exists now, you can very clearly see that they're not talking and they just added in like ADR dialogue over it and it just looks they're like they're like not even fully jogging. They're like half jogging. It might as well be like race walking

and it's just it's all unnecessary because we already know like actually to be fair, I have no idea what the actual plot is in this show, really. But like, I don't really know what the villains plot is, despite having watched this episode, like four times already. And read the novelization. We know who the bad guys are. So we don't really need any more exposition. I just like that the the way they get into the top secret missile warehouse is they just open the door. They just walk in. It's just unlocked. There's just a door and nobody's there. It's also jogging distance to Joanna's home. It's just like there's the way.

The evil warehouse is across your parking lot. How lucky. So now David cock blocks Michael by stealing the spot as Joanna's date, and then Michael is off just tailing the rocket truck. I guess the actress and the screenwriter have forgotten that this woman's beloved husband was murdered yesterday, because she is just having a delightful time at the party. All of her friends are so cool about it.

They're not like, oh, my God, are you doing okay? They're like, hey, great to see you. Honky fellow you got here. Like, his, her husband is like, they haven't had the funeral yet. And she's there with the fucking white Lorenzo Lamas. Okay. And then, I mean, let's talk about the greatest scene in the episode.

The reason, okay, to be clear, the reason we're doing this podcast, Dan sent us this scene and we were like, fucking, fuck yeah. It could just be about this scene and we were like, fucking, fuck yeah, it could just be about this scene. They bring out a cake and now the script obviously called for the greatest cake in the world, the most opulent cake for the crime boss.

Four feet high, four feet high the script says, it's a four foot high multi-tiered cake. And what they come out with is a child's Bullwinkle birthday cake with the words, happy birthday, Eduardo. He's the main villain, he is 50 years old. Fucking incredible. It's a sheet cake. It's a sheet cake. It's from the Supermarket.

It is a sheet cake with Bullwinkle very crudely drawn on it and saying happy birthday, Eduardo. Like he's just gonna go, I really like Bullwinkle. That's one of my things. If Safeway said the bakery's not open, but let me see who's here. I'll see if someone can draw a bullwinkle for you. No, they said, we have a bullwinkle cake.

Does your kid like bullwinkle? And he said, I guess he does, cause there's nothing else. He comes out with a samurai blade and he does this ceremonial, like, chop chop chop chop chop! And, oh, it's adorable. He fucking, no, it's crazier than that, because he pulls out his sword,

and then it cuts to his face, and he's looking sidelong, like everybody in the audience, and he looks scared. And then he cuts back to him, and cut back to him again, and you can see him just, like, he goes blank behind the eyes and totally disassociates from his body and just starts chopping wildly. It's completely uneven. It's the most-

It's so uneven. He bulges. Where are you gonna find a second Bullwinkle Cake? Any Safeway? Come on. Do you have the clip, Sean? Cause it's- I didn't take any audio clips of this.

It would just be chopping for like 40 seconds. Well, no, because you can hear the people, like they added in a bunch of like mumblings of the people behind. Yeah, that's true. And the one person goes, perfect slices, each one the same. It's like, no, no, it's not. It's very, very not. And then the other line is, is there anything this man can't do? This isn't that hard. And then they show the cake and it's completely destroyed. Like if you take a big blunt instrument and just whack a cake with it, pull it off,

like pieces of the cake are everywhere. There's a piece on like the middle right hand side that is like one inch by 1.27 inches. And it's like a rhombus. Who the fuck is getting the rhombus? This is bullshit If you gave everyone a catcher's mitt instead everyone just go grab a handful of cake. It was the same result fucking Madness and then when he's done when he's done he takes his aunt if they pan up on his ancient samurai katana

covered in frosting Just tip just base to tip covered in frosting, like he frosted the cake with it. His butler hands him a rag and he does the cool sword fighter thing where he wipes the blood off and then sheaths it in one motion. Only again, it is frosting from a Bullwinkle birthday cake. Yeah, it is.

Yeah. The other thing I like about the cake is it has like a taper candle on it. It's not like a birthday candles It's just the the the novelization once says it like he was supposed to do something more impressive Yeah, I have that let me read from it. Okay, sure in a slow wave Beginning at the kitchen swinging doors applause broke out amid the crowd as a towering four-tier birthday cake was wheeled out on a trolley. At first, all David and Joanna could see was the single red candle adorning the cake's top tier. It looked like a little stick of dynamite with a lit fuse.

Then the full gargantuan bulk of the blue and white cake rolled into view. It was a complicated baker's nightmare, perfectly realized. The crowd parted to let the cake through into the exact center of the room. As the people milled about and recongregated, David spotted Eduardo O'Brien. He was dressed in a bronze-colored suit with an open-throated yellow shirt and the usual decorations of purest gold dangling and shining, the golden flecks in his eyes glittered unexpectedly. Tonight, he was also wearing a gold stud earring in his left ear. It looked like a rivet welded to his golden bronze deer lobe.

Flanking him were Elton Matthews stuffed into his tux like a tired banker at some fundraising smoker and Tiara Darcy, her flowing ebony hair shone like polished wood and her wide bright green eyes blazed. She attended O'Brien in a very skimpy evening gown of satin lace, raising the temperatures of almost every male in the room. She looked like the most expensive plaything in the world. David noticed that O'Brien had a ceremonial samurai katana tucked under one arm.

All eyes were on the golden man, the notorious half-breed. Yeah. Yeah. Ugh. And he does like, he chops this four foot high cake into like a million pieces and then passes people slices of cake with the samurai sword. I just love that them getting that in the script and being like, no, what he does is

he uses my kid's birthday cake that he didn't want because he doesn't like Bullwinkle, it turns out. He did when he was younger, but now he likes GI Joe or some shit. So he uses that and he's what he does is he slaps it a bunch. And, and that's it. That's it. What if like they did have a majestic cake and they just fucked it up so bad. They're like, all right, we just got to get a second cake and try it again. Right. It's like a one take thing. Like he goes in there, okay, now cut it perfectly. And what he did, maybe that's why he looks so terrified when he's cutting it. With his second time, as he fucked up that first one, they're like, that was it, we had one, we had one cake.

That was a $7,000 cake. Halfbreed's a tough term, it appears in the book four times, so it's not a one-off. It's amazing that it's overshadowed by the birthday cake. We're like, we need to talk about this birthday cake. Yeah, yeah, he calls him a half-breed like eight times. But the birthday cake, you see. I really like how he puts it too, just to give you an idea of how good the novelization is written.

He passes a piece of cake over to Tiara, this is the quote, who collected a dollop of white frosting on one finger and popped it into her moist mouth. Just fucking gross, gross writing. With her, he says several times in the book, too, with her hooded, sensual eyes over and over. Yeah. Got your ass out, I see. Got your ass out today.

You're wearing a little onesie in the flaps down. We see your racist buns. Did you guys notice who plays Tiara in the episode? I didn't recognize her. It's Apollonia, the woman who's opposite Prince in Purple Rain. Was that her? Yeah. When he ditched in the lake? Yeah, yeah. It's like the female lead. It it's like when it was supposed to be vanity in the movie and then vanity left. That is sex and so they just hired this Apollonia Apollonia. I don't know. I don't remember how to see our is like so present in the book because he is the author who was also the creator of Knight Rider by the way, we didn't say that is super horny for her in a really racist way. But she is not really in this show. She's got like a

minute. Does she even have a line in the show? No, she my my wife was very interested in this. She because she was like, she's objectively much hotter than Joanna. She also said, Don't say that on the podcast. I'm saying. But yeah, she she's objectively hotter than then, you know, obviously, Joanna has a thing about her. Yeah, I know, absolutely. But in like 1980s, you know, beauty standards, but

she's just there to like, have knives thrown at her and then like, stand around. That's really it. Despite the fact that like we see her a couple times, they hired someone who's like, you know, at least somewhat of a I guess this was right around the right maybe right after she had filmed Purple Rain. I don't I don't really know 84. I don't remember when Purple Rain was. like right around the same time. I can't imagine like was this script originally designed for like a three hour show? Because it's like an hour and a half. And there's the novelization seems like it could be you know, like a whole a whole season of a TV show. Yeah, they really went places with Tiara in the book. And the show is just like, yeah, whatever. Joanna immediately gets in with O'Brien. This is the man who murdered her husband yesterday-ish. And she's like, oh, hello. And he is super into her.

He ditches Tiara immediately for her. He hands his Drake to her date, David, and takes her away, which is a real power move. Yeah, it's a baller move. Yeah. And David kind of looks at Tiara, but it's a coping mechanism. They're not going to fuck.

The book is really good here, the way they describe it. O'Brien handed David his empty champagne glass, as though the young man in the tuxedo were nothing more than a servant. David's blood boiled, even though he knew O'Brien's supposed conquest was a fake engineered by Joanna. He batted down the urge to lash out with a pivot kick and drive those gold teeth back into O'Brien's spinal column, ending his miserable existence right here and now.

I knew this was the specific karate move! Wouldn't that have ruled so hard if that happened? If he handed him his glass and then David just fucking spun around and kicked him in the teeth and he died? Whack! End of episode. Be careful. Be careful. That might not be a waiter. I mean, I'm a pretty big martial arts enthusiast. I'm not quite sure what he meant by pivot kick. Yeah, I don't know. So I just, I don't know.

As listeners know, only a true warrior would write the exact karate death kick you would use to defeat somebody. So I know that the writer of this book must be a master of the deadly Oriental arts. Of the hooded, sensual oriental arts. So David starts snooping, Michael's off watching trucks do truck stuff. It's just an action packed show.

I want to make it clear that in the novelization, David is a full weeb. And during the scene, he says to Joanna, O'Brien's a show off. You don't do that sort of thing with a katana. It's like using an Academy Award as a doorstop or playing Tiddlywinks with a Medal of Honor. Then Joanna says, you take that oriental stuff seriously, don't you? He looked in her blue-gray eyes for the joke and found none.

She was not ridiculing him. Right, I guess I do. Someday I'll tell you a little bit about it. So, this is, again, this is the man who murdered her husband yesterday. And he's like, This guy's no respect for the honorable Katana! And she's like, Mmm, you know karate, that explains your inviting penis.

Like, it's fucking crazy to me. I mean, he wrote that a woman said, Tell me more about your sword stuff. That's never happened in the history of the planet. As a woman wanted to know more about your katana. So David needs to get upstairs and so he goes out to the pool area. He finds the world's tiniest trampoline. Like I don't know where the fuck they found this. This is like a personal pan pizza attached to springs. Why is it in the backyard? There's no, there's no children who live there. It's not a trampoline workout thing.

It's yeah. It's like a Stuart little trampoline. It's a fucking chipmunk gag. I think you're right. I think he made it. I think that's his power. Cause it was not there. And then he just brought it into frame. And it's like, yep, got one when I need it. So he he made it. I think that's his power. Because it was not there. And then he just brought it into frame. It's like, Yep, got one when I need it.

So he does this thing I mentioned earlier, what it's like 20 camera cuts him looking at thing he wants to jump to looking at the thing, looking at his eyes looking at the thing. And then he just jumps off the trampoline onto the second floor balcony. And obviously, it's you couldn't do this in real life. But I feel if you were on a trampoline and had to jump to the second floor balcony, you just do it like, I don't know. I just he makes it too dramatic. Is my point or something. The way that they framed that, it really looked like he was supposed to do

eight flips and land backwards and like on fire or something. Now he does on the way back down. Later. Which rules. Yes. Well, like you should have done that on the way up. Why'd the plane jump on the way up and then like, all right, for the dismount, I'm going to give you a little something special. Yeah, it's just weird. We've seen him super jump other times, but here he needs a trampoline and like a 20 second

setup to show you he's thinking about jumping off this trampoline. Like we've seen him, you know, jump like Luigi, you know. And yet whatever, it's it's pretty great. Like the show needed it. I could have gone for more jumping, if I'm being honest. So he goes up and he puts like a radio transmitter in the office, snooping around a little. I love this scene here, the computer scene.

No television show has good computer scenes, but he's straight up. They show his hand. He pushes the Enter key on the guy's home PC, and the screen pops up with the secret Bocca Culebra files. It's like any other show would have at least had a little bit of typing and hacking. Only Knight Rider has the balls to just say, fuck you, he hits enter and you're going to like it.

What the best part is, is that we do computer stuff a few more times and each time, no matter what he needs to do, he hits enter and that's it. One key, yeah. Why do computers even have a second key? It should just be one big key in the center that says enter. Eduardo's out there making a move on the recent widow, and she is an incredible spy. She's just totally playing along with this. When David sets off an alarm during his snooping,

she actually stops one of the guards with like a, oh, oops, I dropped my drink type of shit. So she's legitimately a top-notch spy. And then David does the super ultimate trampoline escape by leaping onto the personal pan pizza from the second floor. Incredible. And then on the way out, he does the thing again where he says, hey, I'm not the guy that escaped.

I'm just a grumble guy at the party. And then he hands his drink to Eduardo. Sweet revenge. Spin kicks him right in the teeth and he dies. You should have tried it. He's lucky. I know you were thinking about it. Lucky it wasn't a pivot kick.

Would have killed him. So the show he just leaves. But in the book, you can feel Eduardo O'Brien's rage. In the pages of the novelization, let me read. This eye for an eye gesture was not wasted on O'Brien. Fuming with anger, he grasped the glass so tightly that the novelization. Let me read. This eye for an eye gesture was not wasted on O'Brien. Fuming with anger, he grasped the glass so tightly that the stem snapped with a tinkle. Rage.

Tingle rage. Okay, so here's another scene that's just completely fucking crazy. When they cut to Joanna's home and David's there like doing sit ups. On the inversion table. Yes. Yes. So he's completely like moved in and she didn't know. He like moved in in the night while she was sleeping with his full Bowflex thing and she's like, get the fuck out of my house. And he's

like, hey, I'm the victim here. I'm the one who's supposed to like help you find your husband's killer. She's like, okay, you're right. Sorry. So they agree on a compromise. He gets the fuck out, but he leaves his bow flicks. So I guess that's... Just talk about how well they called in 1984, no less. How well they called every aspect of like the parkour vegan hipster

who moves into your house based on like nothing. He's so hard to get rid of. He's got specialty equipment. He wants to, he puts his bean sprouts in the window. You're like, fucking, don't put your bean sprouts in my window. Get the fuck out of here. It's amazing they covered him this well.

The only thing is in the book, they gave him a rat tail, which like that would have really brought it all together if he had the rat tail in the show, which he calls his warrior's braid, which is again, exactly what the parkour vegan hipster would do. Warriors braid. So that's what we're dealing with in the show.

Just a whole lot of nothing broken up by leaps. They're like, this sucks. Let's cut to Knight Rider. Cause this is Knight Rider show, right? So Knight Rider's like, he's driving behind the missile truck. And we're like, cool, finally, supercar versus missile truck. And then they open up the back and reveal like the revolver missile launcher. And Kitten Michael like, no, no, no, fuck this. So they flip

around and start driving the wrong way. And they shoot at him. And they hit him directly. The car gets hit by a rocket, and they cut to commercial. And you're like, wow, how are they going to get out of this one? They're fine. Don't worry about it. They cut back. They're fine.

He gets Kit up to 120 leaves. I love this because they don't even show what's going on inside the truck. We have no idea what's going through the driver's head. Do they know what kit is? Are they shooting at every cool car that gets behind them? This scene literally can't exist in a screenplay written by a sane person.

It's a script note given by a four-year-old. They're like, daddy, what if a missile truck shot Knight Rider? Like, well, no, honey, we're doing a scene where the hobo is moving in with the lady with his bow flicks. No, no, no, no. Missile truck. All right. All right. You're the boss. Yeah. Who is the driver?

Do they ever show like who's driving the truck? No, the truck might be a kit. We don't know. He might have it. Later. We do see how it fires, which is which is excellent. Well, I mean, they did blow up that cop on the highway to no consequences. Right, nobody cares. Nobody gave a shit. They've actually blown up like hundreds of cars.

They didn't even show traffic slowing down. People were just like, eh, that happens. They can't catch him because there's so many blown up cars in the highway. Yeah, that makes sense actually. So now Joanna is on Eduardo's yacht and she's seducing him. She challenges him to a skeet shooting contest, and he accepts because he loves to gamble and he is a weapons master.

And so now Joanna has a gun on the boat where her husband's murderer is trying to bone her. And I mean, I think she should be the star of the spinoff show, not the fucking hobo trampoline mancer. Like, she's an incredible spy. My wife and I were both like, she should be the star of the spinoff show, not the fucking hobo trampoline mancer. Like, she's an incredible spy. My wife and I were both like, she should just shoot him here. But I guess that wouldn't have done everything. But yeah, she should have just shot him instead of continuing this plot.

Can we talk about Eduardo's game a little bit? Because what he says to her when they're getting all philosophical and deep, he looks into her eyes and his big moment at the end of this, like, tata-tat conversation is, he says, life is like water. If it stays too long in one place, it goes bad. Does it? Powerful. Uh, I mean, like, kind of, but like, not empowering. No! It gets mosquitoes. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

In the context of this philosophical conversation, what the fuck were you trying to say right there, buddy? Well, she gaslights him because she fixes his shotgun so it can't shoot straight. Again, such a power move. He's so shamed. Almost pointlessly. I don't understand why she did this, just to needle him. Which seems like a small revenge against the man who murdered your husband, your super lawyer night vision husband.

So he's like, oh, geez, I missed, okay, you win. But in the book, he was pissed. And the book, let me read from it, with a kind of primal scream, Eduardo snarled and hurled the shotgun into the ocean, making for a convenient disposal of evidence, Joanna thought. He mopped his brow. I left that in because that's just good writing. But yeah, the book really took into account

that, yeah, we got to get rid of the gun that's been tampered with because that might be suspicious. But this show is just like, now. I got to get rid of the gun that's been tampered with, because that might be suspicious. But the show is just like now. I think the book might be evidence that somebody put effort into this. Like they really tried to cover all of like their bases, which is crazy. It's crazy that they missed a lot. You put effort into this and came up with this where we can't even be sure what the plot is.

Now she's debriefing David. She's having a sexy shower and debriefing David, and she got the combination to the yacht safe while she was there. She's an absolute James Bond. All David has done so far was cock block a Knight Raider fistfight and plant a useless transmitter. And trampoline. Right. Yeah, he does summon trampolines wherever he goes, so that's something. But that transmitter he planted doesn't do anything. They found it immediately and they're like, what's this?

I don't know. Let's search. Somebody's clearly here doing stuff. Do you guys know what that was supposed to fucking do? Was he trying to track the house? Right, because he pressed enter to get all the- Right. He had everything ready.

He pressed enter, it's done. He did it. Yeah, so I don't know what this was. Are they like listening in onto them at some point? No, I don't think so. He did it. Yeah, so I don't know what this was. Are they like listening in on to them at some point? No, I don't think so. No, no. It must have been in the in the in the director's cut that's five hours. They do a thing later where they send information.

But by then, the transmitter has been removed. But maybe that was a mistake. I don't know. It doesn't it doesn't matter. This this looks like the same footage. They have David crawling out of the water again onto the boat. And I was like, oh, this is the same footage earlier. But I went back and check and no, it's just a different take of the same footage. They have David crawling out of the water again onto the boat, and I was like, oh, this is the same footage as earlier. But I went back and check, and no, it's just a different take of the same shot.

It was at this point in the show when I realized he wasn't bionic. Something about this was so human to me, where I'm like, oh, fuck, this guy's not even bionic. And so I was just really, really disappointed that he was the mean health nut. Well, he doesn't have to be bionic to be a $6,000 man. I think it's just like rubber bands and splints that

augment his abilities. OK, yeah. That's a good point. What else? We find out that there's some sort of a secret rocket launchers. It's Total McGuffin, though, that doesn't really come into play.

Michael Knight's off following trucks. He's completely useless. He watches helplessly while the bad guys kidnap some guys. He just went to Mexico to cower a little bit. Let's cut back to the real show where Joanna... I want to discuss something here. So part of what this rambling insane plot is, they are smuggling people across the border in one of those trucks.

Like one of the trucks has gold, which we've forgotten about, and one of the trucks has weapons, maybe, and one of the trucks just has illegal immigrants. And so you're wondering, like, what that truck? It's just a budget rental van kind of truck full of, I don't know, like 15 illegal immigrants, and you wonder what happens to them. This is what happened to them. They're in, like, a mine digging for something something and Michael Knight sees that because they run out the door trying to escape and then the men like run out and shoot at them and drag them back in once they stop running. So what that whole thing is, the whole like human trafficking element is that the villains that Eduardo is smuggling 15 Mexicans across the border to use as manual labor, just digging, just digging a hole that they don't know anything about.

So instead, instead of smuggling them across the border, he could have paid them $20 in a Home Depot parking lot. So that's the stakes. That's the reason he has kidnapped all these men is to save himself. I did the math here about $300. It also seems like they're just kind of cruising up the highway in a missile truck like you can just carry whatever you want in that missile truck that the plan is to shoot anything that gets close to you put the gold in that I don't know.

Or why are we why do we need the gold? Yeah you're right we don't just missile truck rampage that's a show. Fucking. That's a show. Fucking that's a good show. I watch that show. Yeah, they should have simplified this plot a bit. And then maybe it could have just been a, you know, regular 44 minute episode or Put Joanna in the truck. She's she's got the missile truck missile truck rampage. She's a counterpoint to Knight Rider. There you go.

There you go. She caught Joanna would kill Knight Rider. So we actually get that in other episodes. There's another character Garth Knight, who is Michael who is David Hasselhoff with a mustache. And he has he has in one episode he has a thing called car. That like the counterpart to kit and in another episode is a thing called Goliath that's like kit but like a semi truck. So awesome. So yeah, this show has some this show goes places. Yeah, it's so it's like disappointing to see an episode like this where you're just like, I know you know you could just have an evil car. Like you could do so much with the missile truck

and you just aren't. Speaking of not doing anything, Eduardo is back at Joanna's with flowers and no one is there so he just starts snooping around. He finds the safe combination of the trash and now he's like, okay, now I know she's a spy. And then David shows up and you're like, okay, well it's over,

David's just gonna like pivot kick him, right? But no, they just kind of have like a dick measuring contest where David's like, I do karate and the other guy's like, I'm good with weapons and they're better than karate. And he's right. And then they, right? And then David's like, you're lucky I'm not kicking your ass for no, why aren't I kicking your ass?

All right, you leave, I'm gonna, you know, it's just so, so stupid. Because he doesn't have any weapons on him while he's saying this. He's like some other time when I have weapons and you only have karate, we'll we'll do this again. Anyway, it's a small conversation smoke in the hotel room. When Eduardo, we should we see Eduardo entering and he is led in by like the bellhop. The bellhop just unlocks her door, lets him in. He pays the guy like $5 and is like,

oh, I'm going to propose to her. That's why I need to be here. Just that small moment, Ram did it so hard that like, we lost so many women needlessly in 1980s. That bellhop. Just for five bucks, he's gonna let like, yeah, just come in and hang out. What, do you love her?

Great. I don't want to get in the way of true love. 15 women have died in this apartment complex. It's like... And they're killers. Everyone was in love. Gosh darn it. Every single one.

I'm just a sucker for love. What can I say? David, he's trying to get up. He goes back to that same fucking base and he gets in the window. He uses a patio chair this time to leap up. But it springs him as much as the trampoline. He turned it into a trampoline. Yeah, which is nice.

Yes, that's his power. He's a trampoline mancer. He's greeted by a gun like it doesn't work out very well. He's like, haha, I have you now. And now here's what I loved is at gunpoint, he just reaches over. He reaches over and hits enter on the computer that sends all the data to Knight Rider. He just hits enter.

It actually says transmit data on the. And the guy holding him at gunpoint just looks at him and says, like, you son of a bitch. God damn it, now you're really at gunpoint, pal. The whole plan was to get him in that room so he could hit enter and then you're fucked. Okay, so now they have Joanna and him and he knows that Eduardo knows their enemies. And Eduardo, instead of executing David, he is going to hunt him, which that's fucking awesome.

He's like, I'm going to give you one minute head start. And then David does his little thing where he's like, looks at stuff and looks at stuff. And then he just starts leaping, flipping. And Eduardo has to know like, oh, holy shit, I can't give this guy a minute head start. Like immediately, when you most dangerous gamer man, and you're like, you have 30 seconds to go, and he just fucking flips with like a 50 foot vertical leap leap over a fence like right away you're like oh I lost that was it huh yeah yeah yeah I should not so he I fucked up I'm not getting that guy he does bail on the minute head start he immediately releases the dog he's like fuck the minute no more head start for you super jump man wait he seems to let the dogs out of the back of his like out of his trunk.

Out of like a station wagon or something. Because they are just pets. It's a blue healer and a yellow lab. He's gonna get licked. And they don't like have his scent or anything, right? Like they don't. No. Yeah, give a yellow lab a scent.

See what he does with that. Oh yeah, true, true. Good point. Good point. It's just the least threatening dogs. And they're clearly having such a good time running through the forest. It's just somebody's dogs. It's not a fair hunt. It's like two indoor pet dogs and a middle-aged man versus this fucking super jumping man.

Like, Eduardo does not catch this guy on a motorcycle. Like, it's fucking over. I love that he doesn't catch this guy. Like we're in the scene. You're like this should be oh, we're playing it up No, he's just like fuck you're so fast That was dumb. You just got right away, didn't you I? Genuinely don't think we can explain this scene cuz he has him in his sights and then Like Dalton is able to somehow roll out of the way, as anticipating that the arrow is coming somehow. He has crossbow sense.

So then he finds a bush that has a trampoline hidden in it. Or he jumps on the bush and turns it into a trampoline, using his powers. So he shoots up into a tree. And here's the part where I don't think we can explain it. This is just kind of like, these these are dry ass trees with no leaves. So you can just look up and see like, hey, there's a guy 11 feet up a tree. There's nowhere to hide.

And so when Eduardo shows up, he realizes what we realize. So he screams, haha, there are no vines. I'll just look up and see you in one of these trees. And he's right. But then David's like, no, no, no, I have a long rope because he's also a rope mancer. And he swings through another tree. I guess invisibly, I don't know how to explain

how dumb this is, but like he's somehow tarzanning around these trees with a single rope while the other guy on the, just like he could high five him if he would, he could like jump up and touch his foot. He somehow can't see where he is. I love the conceit of the scene, which is that Eduardo immediately understands, despite not having seen this, you're a Vine guy.

You use vines to swing around. And he yells up into the sky, you don't have any vines, Vine guy. And then David reaches into his fanny pack and pulls out a rope and is like, haha, I make my own vines. That's like a theme throughout the whole episode. There's a part where Joanne is like, David, you don't know anything about computers. And like, he's like, yeah, but Michael does. Like, how does she know he doesn't know anything about computers and like he's like, yeah, but Michael does like, how does she know he doesn't know anything about computers?

In fact, he like he can just hit a button and do many things like I think he seems to know a lot. Computers aren't very hard. You just hit enter, right? Just so easy. He does know. I just love that he was vine based and they both acknowledged it. I love that this guy did the most dangerous game and then immediately lost.

So he's wandering around screaming at trees. He lost this human hunt barely more time than he gave as the head start, which he also bailed on. He has to walk away at the end of this. He's standing there and he can't find him and he's like, well, see you later. I mean, good work. Bye. Like, win some, lose some. It's like if an hard target target Lance Hendrickson was like,

you have a minute and Van Damme just fucking booked ass really fast down the road. He was like, God damn it. I'm not catching him. Why do I keep doing that? He leaves in a chopper. Eduardo's leaving in a chopper and he's flying really low, which is mistake number 29. So David capitalizes on this. He does his like calculate, calculate and and then lassoes the helicopter.

No one in the helicopter knows. He climbs up, hangs out on the helicopter. Knight Rider sees this. He's like, oh shit, I hope he's going to be okay. He is. He's fine. There's no reason for Knight Rider to be here at all in this whole episode. You see how they live in the book?

I don't think so. In the book, he hops. He doesn't do any of that. He just hops in Kit. And what the author decided, and the creator of Knight Rider was, that's fucking silly for a guy to hang off of a helicopter. And so what they do instead is Kit decides to race the helicopter by driving 260 miles an hour on dirt roads in Southern California for like an hour and just outraces the helicopter the whole time,

like keeping pace with it. And they even say at some point like, what, and David looks at turns home and is like, what, did you think I'd do something fucking stupid, like hang on a helicopter? It's clear he did not want that scene in the show and this was him trying to fix it. But also 260 miles an hour on rural California dirt roads would just explode your car immediately.

You wouldn't get up to 100 on that. So that is actually no smarter than hanging off of a helicopter for a long time. That's the kind of thing I forgive though. If you have a super car, I'm like, yeah, you go as fast as you want on dirt road. I don't give a shit. You're super true. I mean, it is Knight Rider.

So I guess that makes more sense than, because we do watch him just kind of hang from a helicopter for a real long time until you wonder like, what are we doing here actually? It's funny you mentioned like the fact checking because I do have a bit I wanna talk about the fact checking, because I do have a bit I want to talk about the fact checking, because the bad guys have a plan here to put all the gold onto a C-141.

And that's just a big jumbo jet. And the guy writing the book, I guess, looked it up and realized that, silly, you can't just buy a C-141. So he changed it to a C-130, and he makes a whole big thing about it. I have an excerpt. A military cargo transport, a real workhorse aircraft.

You mean one of those enormous things with a nose that hinges open like a Skytanker? No, David said. One of those like the C-5A or the C-141 is beyond even O'Brien's grasp, with a price tag of something like 14 million. But if he was shrewd, he could pick up a C-130 for around four million, three million if he was shrewd, he could pick up a C-130 for around 4 million.

3 million if he paid in cash. So the C-130 gets mentioned 20 more times. The book is so clear that you can't fucking buy a C-141, that's silly. It's the fact check equivalent of an Oriental pivot kick, is my point. Meanwhile, in the show, this is how the interaction goes. Michael sees the cargo plane and he says to Kit, that looks like a C-141. Can you ID it? And Kit says,

it is a C-141. And Michael says, all right. Yes. And then the book becomes obsessed with debunking that. It's so fucking funny. Can you ID it? Yeah, that's it. Okay. Back in the show, Eduardo is just throwing missiles into a military base. This is his plan. He's just doing a commando raid of a nearby military base. Maybe the details of this plan were explained, but it sounds like nobody knows between the three of us what the fuck is happening here. It looks suicidally insane. I don't think you could defeat any country's military with one sweet missile truck and five guys, but that seems to be the plan here. No, I don't know. Like, that was the tunnel that they dug with immigrant labor was for it was to

invade a military base with like five dudes. I don't know what I hope that wasn't also the immigrant labor. Like, it could have been I guess. They do remember Knight Rider is supposed to be in the show. So he's driving up. And then they see they're like, let's take out the bridge. So Knight Rider can't come here. This is mistake number 30. Kit has turbo jump. This is fucking day one Knight Rider shit. Come on. And they're shooting unguided rockets at the speeding trans am half a mile away.

Like, best of luck, buddy. That's going to work. They don't come close to hitting Kit. Ridiculous. at the speeding Trans Am half a mile away like, best of luck, buddy, that's gonna work. They don't come close to hitting kid, ridiculous. Then David sneaks up and takes the parking break off of the missile truck. That's how they defeat missiles. And it rolls slowly backwards and nobody thinks like,

like what my dad would do is you run in and stop on the break. Nobody thinks that with this multi-million dollar missile truck, they're just like, fuck, that's gone. Well played. I like how the missile truck fires. It's like a it's like a joystick like that you'd have like in an Atari 5200. Like for some reason, you push that forward.

It fires a missile instead of a way that might make more sense. Modern UI. Here's the thing that used to drive me crazy about Knight Rider when I was a kid is the truck is rolling back at like four miles an hour and Kit is pretty much stopped and it's gonna roll right into Kit. So Kit just jumps it with like no ramp and no speed, just mowing.

And I'm like, he does this all the fucking time and it drives me crazy. You can't just jump like that. Makes mini trampoline. Yeah, Sean, I think you figured it out. Kit can also summon trampoline. I think he learned it. He was so in love.

If David was in the passenger seat, I would buy it. He was in the book. Maybe it's just crossed. So I guess this leads us to the climax, which is Eduardo and David having a fight. David's, Eduardo runs right into David doing Tai Chi. And now we get to see whether man weapon is better than knife weapon because Eduardo has a knife.

And so he gives a speech about how knife is so great and he loves to stab people with knives. And David does his calculate. He's looking at the knife, looking at his eyes, looking at the knife. And then he does like a T-pose knife dodge. This fight fucking sucks. He actually does the Lorenzo Lama's. Like, I am so in love with the knife.

The knife is my favorite mistress. I love the curves and the sharpness of the knife. I killed my first man with the knife. And then 30 seconds later, he's unconscious on the ground without having cut him at all. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, we know you like blades. We saw you cut a cake.

And we know you're not good with them because I got a 1.5 inch raven's piece. I was really happy that he did the Lorenzo Lamas renegade spitting back fist because I didn't know he did that earlier when I said he was the white Lorenzo Lamas. And so I just felt really vindicated when he did that. He's a Lawrence Lamas. Yes, he's a Lawrence Lamas. The novelization was a furious battle between Madman and Weeb.

I have an excerpt. David fainted automatically, batting the knife away with his bandaged hand, ducking and wheel-kicking O'Brien in the stomach. The golden assassin doubled up but did not fall down. He spun in a perfect follow-through, slicing the air in front of David's nose, just as David yanked his own head backward. In the spare second of time, he punched O'Brien hard in the jaw. Threads of blood crept between the golden man's teeth, staining the yellow metal there. O'Brien grinned, making an oncoming motion with his hands, employing David to attack Rashley and be quickly killed.

Okay, great. So now we know that his plan was to lure him in to stab him. Thank you, Book. Uh, they continue. David danced around him, looking for an opening. O'Brien struck. David bobbed and went headlong into the Golden Man's fist, because he had been watching the knife blade too closely. Fury engulfed David.

He was fighting with the disadvantage of trying to take O'Brien alive, while the Golden Assassin fought uninhibitedly. He was fighting himself as well as O'Brien, and that meant he would lose because of his precious codes and the warrior ethic. Ultimately, he thought, what had more value, beating O'Brien once and for all, or adhering to a system O'Brien did not even know about and die because of it? No one would see the truth. So he abandons his morals.

Yes, he abandons his morals. Yes, he abandons his morals in the moment he would need them most. I will never kill a man with my karate. And as soon as he gets in a to the death karate fight, he's like, oh shit, I'm gonna kill the shit out of this guy. I gotta kill him, holy shit. I like that later on, we see him later in the book, and he says he died on the way back, and he's like very clear. He says he died choking on his own blood, so I didn't kill him. He just died from what I did to him in the fight. Yes. Yes.

So you killed him, it just took a little bit. No, no, no. He died from fight-related complications. Whoever was in that fight? I don't know, it could have been anybody. He did that thing where he hit him with three blows at the end of the fight, and one was for Tiara, and one was for Joanna, and the third one was for yours truly. Just a little something for me. Michael Knight finally gets in on this, he like punches a guy in a helicopter waiting for the knife fight to be done with, and then the other guy puts up his hands. He's like, shit, I didn't know I was at punch point. I give up.

Then David and Joanna run up and kiss on the mouth. And my notes just say, what? That is not earned. That is how every Knight Rider episode ends, except for like, except it's Michael. Oh, so that was him stealing the moment. Yeah, God, so cucked just came into this man's show with only the power of trampoline and just completely cucked Night Rider.

Michael, you can sit in a chair in the corner and just and just watch me wheel kick. Yes. So like I think what's so depressing about the final about the climax is like not just that, like the fight is the fight that we've been waiting for is, is no good. Is that they didn't really need to do any of this investigation once they found their base, like nothing that they discovered really helped them in any way at all. They just like, he, he wins because he beats them up and they win because he jams the helicopter and keeps it down. Like they could have done this without breaking into Eduardo's house and

transmitting the data. You know, like they don't need any of this at all. And we learned earlier that Michael can just order people to be arrested. And they knew that O'Brien had done it. So Michael should have just been like, oh, arrest them. Yeah. Send in, send in the foundation for law and government. they knew that O'Brien had done it. So Michael should have just been like, oh, arrest them, yeah, send in the foundation for law and government. And if, okay, if the whole thing was,

oh, we didn't know where they were going to attack, in like the first 20 minutes, he found that mine with the immigrant labor in it, and they were just digging a tunnel to this base. You could just like, just go see where the tunnel goes, man. I also want to bring up the point that like they weren't going to win this fight. Like we leave and there's fighter jets coming in to reinforce this military base, which had probably turned the tide against the five dudes with AR-15s.

I don't feel like they were even winning it when they were showing it. Like it looked like they were getting their asses kicked. Yeah, things were turning around. It looked like you rolled up into a military base with five guys is what it looked like. And they were out of rockets by the time, like, the shit was going down. You could have just not shown up and this would have worked itself out just fine. They're lucky that any rockets left by the time they got there. They shot at every fucking car on the highway.

I gotta say, I love the way the episode ends. Well, sort of ends. The big, like, climax ends with Michael and David looking over to each other and Michael gives him a big goofy smile and a thumbs up and he gets a freeze frame and David looks at him and gives him a big thumbs up and a goofy smile and he gets a freeze frame. Fucking double thumbs up, double smile, double freeze frame. Perfect Jackie Chan ending. Cut to credits. Show just- just outtakes of Chinese stuntmen getting paralyzed and call it a day.

I do want to- one more thing. Tiara, who with her sensual hooded eyes, who is barely in this show, has a much bigger role in the book and my favorite part of it is that she- is that Eduardo kills her with a boomerang. I've never seen anybody killed with a boomerang in a show. It would have been amazing. Just whack her in the back of the head and be like, yep, I guess that worked. Now I have to go get it.

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