The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 168, Anti-Vatican't Magick With Hana Michels

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

Brockway has long threatened to attack and dethrone the Pope, but now with the help of Seanbaby and guest, Hana Michels, it's finally time! They're reading Anti-Vatican't Magick: Protect Yourself From The Vatican by grifting British pen wizard, S Rob. En garde, Pope!

1-900-HOT-DOG 1-900-HOT-DOG Our podcast slams with maximum hype! Say Hot Dog Podcast Word! Yeah! When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour! Come on! You know the numbers!

1-900 1-900-HOT-DOG Welcome to the DogZone 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-Hotdog, America's last website. Empires fall all around us and we're just sipping Kool-Aid in the shade, baby. Come support us at patreon.com slash 1-900-Hotdog if you enjoy anything, because we're the only ones doing that. Every single weekday we cover a piece of media that simply should not exist and we pay Doing that, every single weekday we cover a piece of media that simply should not exist, and we pay talented human writers very well to bring you nothing but joy. It's the worst business model. It's the business model that has completely destroyed every billion dollar corporation that tried it, and somehow it works for us.

Come check it out. Just as a novelty. I invoke Robert Brockway, and Robert Brockway is here with me. And my name is Robert Brockway and Robert Brockway is here with me. And my name is Robert Brockway. I summon Sean Baby and Sean Baby is here with me. I have manifested. I am he, Sean Baby of Earth. I bring Hannah Michaels here and close the door. I am here. I am not an illusion and I am a tulpa that you have created through the power of your mind and manifestation and always believing in me.

I do, that's true. I always believe in you and it's about time I paid for that. It's about time I... Yeah. I'm just glad one of my tulpas finally admitted they were a tulpa. Oh, are you having that fight too? All the time.

It's constant. You are a tulpa. Now I'm not, I'm not, bro. He's fucking tulpa. You have an elephant head. I don't know if you can tell, I've been listening to y'all's podcasts a lot. You could just be independent,

this could be independent tulpa information. You never know. Like I didn't know what a tulpa was until we did a podcast about tulpas. That's why, that was great. I still think it might be schizophrenia. I guess you're from a therapy background, Hana. What do you think?

Schizophrenia or magic creation? If there's therapy background, Hana. What do you think? Schizophrenia or magic creation if there's somewhere that straddles the line between those if there's like Fantasy that you convince yourself into believing like you were a cult member and now you are the leader Okay, or you're like those two girls in New Zealand Like in the boomer generation who killed one of their moms because they lived in an elaborate fantasy world. But at some point they knew it wasn't real. But when they killed the mom, they didn't know it wasn't real. That sounds like the internet. That's the internet. It's like a New Zealand mom slaying. Okay. Yeah, I get it.

That's like a subreddit. A New Zealand mom slaying or a subreddit. Same functional thing. Yes. Exactly. Alright, well before we get started, Hana, where can people find more of you? I am still on Twitter for some reason. I'm on everything as my name, but my parents decided to name me badly, so I have to spell it for you. It's H-A-N-A, M-I-C-H-E-L-S. There's no A. That's my grandpa's fault, but my

first name, parents' fault, doesn't exist in English. Every other language? Great, and that's how it's spelled. Not the place that I and they were born. It is perfect, though. It is the exact, like, it's almost destiny that they named you Chaos and you became Chaos. Like, it's... there's an argument for fate somewhere in that name. There's... there is a point where overthinking turns to chaos, and I am their point. And that's where I live, baby. A perfect plug, very relevant to everything we're doing, which I have not... I have not told you about. No, I have no idea what i'm doing here except staring at my boob cat yeah uh we i've gathered you here today because we are going to attack and dethrone the pope oh fuck you

finally about time i keep threatening it uh we're gonna do it we're gonna do it this time i was born for this we did it for we did it to jesus and we'll do it again. Imagine if we knew a guest, if we invited a guest that's like, oh my god, no, no thank you, I'm not gonna do it. Just hang on. I know that I'm not interested in that. Nope, we're gonna attack and dethrone the pope, and we are going to use the most powerful metaphysical weapon in the cosmos to do it. That's right, Kindle Unlimited Spellbooks.

We're gonna be talking about anti-Vada-cant magic. This is great, because I just had a Kindle stolen, so I'm glad I can still make use of the technology that is Kindle Unlimited. Well, this is the one that was stolen. With my car, by the way. It was stolen through Magic Sorcery. No one steals Kindles. No, that's true. It could be. could be you could operate it out of the car Why would you steal a kindle? Breaking in and doing a bunch of the Pope stole that kindle because he knows the powerful information it contains within This is anti-vaticant magic. Is it really called that? It's called anti-vaticant magic

Protect yourself from the Vatican by author s Rob And I have just sent you the cover, if you want to check your G-man. S. Robb, I know exactly who this is. This is Tactical Wizard S. Robb. Yeah, this is a beloved hot dog nemesis S. Robb. I first discovered S. Robb when I wrote about the tactical penbook, Tactical Panacultism.

I'm sorry, I just saw it. This is an incredible cover photo. When I wrote about the tactical pen book, tactical panacultism? I'm sorry, I just saw it. This is an incredible cover photo. Oh my, what, what? This is John Lutz, if you know John Lutz from, from 30 Rock and Girls Five Ever and, Seth Meyers, except he looks kind of wet. Like, like he's kind of got his balding hair do sort of, not combed down, like he's not trying to fool anyone, but he's sort of made a jerry curl out of a,

or spit curl out of a tiny little patch of hair. Yeah, very, very white hair that has been jerry curled just in one place and the rest of it is thinning and straight. Yeah. And how would you describe the look he's giving you on that cover? Uh, the character inspiration for Eggman in the Sonic games? Yeah, he inspired just eggs in general, like when you get a dozen eggs. Yeah. This is how they look at you.

A very defiant Humpty Dumpty. His arms are crossed, he's not happy. You'll not break me. If I'm understanding it correctly, I think he's trying to serve sexy, but he's hitting egg. He's hitting grouchy egg. Can it at least be sexy egg? No, that's not sexy egg. You know what sexy egg is, and that is not it.

Anti-Vatican. I feel like there is such a thing, but he missed, you know, anyone could be sexy, but... Almost anyone. I think we found the exception. We may have found the exception. It's, you know, we like saying that sexy is in the mind and on the other hand, there's no way sexy is in this mind, so I guess it's a lie.

And I mean, I don't want to body shame, but his double chin is sort of past the point of double chin where it looks like you're playing solitaire and you just won and his head is the back of a card and it's bouncing across the screen leaving a trail. He's got like 11 chins. So complicated. You know those things on turkeys that look like bubble gum? I always want to chew them, but I know it's wrong.

But you know what I'm talking about. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. It's like that, but flesh colors. Yeah. It's got a waddle. It's got a waddle. It's got a magical waddle.

It's that, but it's human flesh. Yes, a waddle. There's a word for that. It's like there's five eggs hiding behind the main sexy grouchy egg. Yeah. There are so many things we're doing that's invoking burning with this image. Also, there's nothing else. This is him on a white background in a black t-shirt.

Yeah. Right, they say confidence is sexy. I can't imagine anything more confident than taking a picture of yourself in the void and just being like, let's kill the Pope together. I'm a powerful enough force for you to go along with this plan. That's fucking confidence, baby. Yeah, he's also crossing his arms in a way that I'm sure he thought

would look tough, but it looks like he's giving himself a hug. Yeah, it's not, they're not going fully into themselves. Like, it's not quite crisscross applesauce or whatever. It's more... Self-soothing. It's more free-flowing. It's self-soothing. That's the... yeah. Yeah, that's a DBT phrase we're looking for. Yeah, it's got... it's really got nothing on his... on his... on his covers where he wears the leather jacket and sunglasses, of which he does very many, very many of them. Oh, amazing.

But I just like the simple. Oh, God. This is what people think Short King means. Yeah. This is, this is how people misuse the term Short King. This man. There's a pretty big gap between how cool he thinks he looks and how cool he looks. I guess it's, let's just, I'm trying to wrap it up

so we don't just dunk on this. I could have wrapped this up a while ago and I the dunks kept coming, so we left it. We let it roll. Well, it's also, he chose to cut himself off as an awkward short person. You put the camera higher, and you cut yourself off a little earlier so that people can't tell you're too short to reach the thing. There! Your eggness. So you hide your eggness. Because you're taking your own picture, presumably. I'm assuming that's what's happening here. Yeah, you don't do this when you're a short person taking your own photo.

He was not taking his own photo. I didn't even plan on getting into this, but he is trying to be a plus-size model. Like, as a career path? On top of everything. Like, you can verify this. He, you can see, oh. It's on his own Instagram. Okay. He has one for his modeling.

I wasn't gonna go, I wasn't gonna go. He gives the look of someone who very literally has never tried taking care of themselves. Yeah, I feel like... I wasn't gonna go. He gives the look of someone who very literally has never tried taking care of themselves. Like. Yeah. I feel like. There's no nice way to put it. Plus size models are even more immaculately taken care of

than the average model. And I feel like you could touch this man and your finger would never, it'd be like you stuck it in a basket. It just, it. Oh God. Yeah. I thought you were gonna say something like,

like uncooked bread, but no, you're right, Vaseline. Like it, he is just a goopy- Way greasier than bread. I mean, there's, I'm sure the chemical composition is closer to the bread. Chemical composition closer to bread. This seems savage. It is for now, but he will earn this eventually.

We'll get there. Fuck yes. We'll get there. I want him to. I want him to poke together. Yeah, we've got to justify it. I first learned about this. Too much wealth.

That would be awesome if someone just turned off the podcast and asked, what a bunch of dicks. Like, this is a podcast where we find ugly people and make fun of their book covers. Oh, that is the first 20 minutes. Yeah. Oh my God. How long has it been? To be clear, I am allergic to the sun.

I am by no means an attractive human being. That's ridiculous, Hana. Ridiculous. I think... I'm fine. I'm fine. I am so paleless to be a blank slate for whatever your hopes and dreams are, and I've learned this through dating. But no, I'm not saying I'm more attractive than this man. Just generally cleaner and more self-aware. I think you gotta be filthy to be convincingly magical, right? I think there's like...

I think, yeah, there's a... Like, you don't bathe if you know magic. Why would you? Right? That would be pointless. There was that leader of that Final Fantasy VII cult who just covered herself in oils and had magic LARP battles, so that seems to track. Yeah, tracks. That's what a magic person would do. They would get really oily, and possibly magically oily, so that they are harder to catch. Yeah, try to grab them. That's probably pop right out. With like their... and you gotta be really slippery to avoid like a mage hand, like a spectral hand. I can only imagine. I still don't know how to use it in Baldur's Gate, but... You don't. That's the answer.

Let's move on from just dunking on his appearance to dunk on his insights, to dunk on his mind. He wrote Tactical Panicultism, which is the first book of his that I covered. He is going to listen to this podcast now that we've gotten all of the savage personal work out of the way, because he did find that article

and started replying to me. I'll give the blurb for that book. This book shows you how to work real magic with a tactical pen. A tactical pen is an item which will a pen is also a self-defense item. That's what he wrote. A weapon even. But here you will learn how to perform real magical ritual with this same item. Learn to summon the Unholy Trinity, the three most powerful devils there are. Work magic with the Archangel Raphael, and even ancient Egyptian deities. Potent magic for you to use.

So yeah, he was teaching you how to attack and kill a man across the Spirit Plane using a pen, using a battle pen. We've made a powerful enemy, Ana. Yep. I have a battle pen here. It's one I used earlier to make an insurance claim for that stolen car. Let's do this. This is the man you made an enemy of. I'm not kidding.

Fools! You fools! I just let you dig your grave. S-Rob says- Please do more to this car. I don't care anymore. I'll fucking sleep in it for six months just till I get back on my feet, just till I sell a few more tactical pen books. That actually ties in. S-Rob says he's written 700 books on magic, and I do believe him.

By the time we're done with this, you will believe him too. You'll understand what that means. And I do believe he is living, possibly in Hana's car, trying to sell magic books to pass her by. Well, if he is, he's eating Lunchables and doing Whippets, because that's how we found the car. That's exactly what that picture... Look at that picture again. Look at that cover. Yeah, no, that is someone who has done a lot of this. That is a man freshly sated on Lunchable and not yet whippeted into the grave.

I picked up a balloon from the car yesterday and I had to wash my hands because I realized it was probably in a butt. It could have been a whippet balloon. You don't know if it's a butt balloon. It could have been a whippet balloon, but there were two separate types of balloons. And I think if you were gonna have a Butt type balloon, it would be the brown ones. Yeah, you picked a Butt balloon. Have you never taken Whippets up the butt? You haven't lived.

I gotta tell you, a lot of things have occurred to me. I've melted lots of stuff. I mean, you do have to empty the whole can before you get to the nitrous. Like, yeah, I've inhaled a lot of stuff. Never occurred to me. There's been a lot of stuff up there. Tampons more than once because I apparently don't know tampons. I'm an adult. I'm in my 30s. Oh, Jesus Christ. Ezra does cast a lot of butt tampon spells. It could have been him.

He could have foreseen this day and he's been getting pre-revenge on you. He's definitely the one doing ass whippets in your car, though. I can promise you. I am so sorry, I feel like y'all probably wanted to like go to sleep some time tonight and end your days. We haven't even started. This is by far the most off the rails our podcast has ever been, so congratulations.

It'll be appropriate when we get there. Let's get back on track. So he wrote more books, obviously, he wrote 700 books, and this is one of the newest ones, which I found out when he found the article and wrote in the comments, come check out my new books. So I think I'm his biggest fan. And that's it's very sad. But it makes me very happy. He was right. I didn't want to read them. And this is one of the new ones. This is the blurb for anti-Vaticant magic, how to protect yourself from the Vatican.

I love that we've gotten this far and none of us have pointed out that he's actually made Vatican magic. Yes, anti-Vaticant. It's been frustrating me, but I felt like I had to say something. Eventually, yes, I was waiting for somebody to point out that you've double negative your magic,

which in magic terms means it's a positive. Wait, in math terms too. In math, yeah. Language. All the other ways. Here's the blurb for that. The Vatican has attacked a cultist S. Robb in the past, and you will learn about these attacks in his first chapter. You will then learn how to protect yourself from the Vatican and its minions, including Men in Black, at least one of which is a genie. Learn to work magic with all magic. Learn to work magic of many kinds, with the twelve Olympic gods of ancient Greece, including Zeus who appeared for the writer Essraub.

Learn to work magic with Odin the Allfather. Potent magic, the Vatican won't know what to do with what is here. The men in black. Is this J and K, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones from the films? And if so, which one is the genie? They might just be priests, right? I mean, they just wear, they wear black. How do you know?

Will Smith is clearly the genie. Yeah, they can fit in lamps. Will Smith. Yeah. Stuff a priest in the lamp. I could see, I don't know, I could see Tommy Lee Jones as a genie. Yeah, they can fit in lamps. Well, Smith. Yeah, okay. Stuff a priest in the lamp. I could see, I don't know, I could see Tommy Lee Jones as a genie. Like it's a real different genie.

Oh, he'd be so cranky. He'd be so cranky about taking that role. Yeah, about being trapped in the lamp for so long, but also about being let out of the lamp. Like you're not getting out, you're not getting off the hook either way. So this is a very long chapter one and part of chapter two. This will be most of the podcast and you'll understand why

eventually, but let's just get right into it. Anti-Vatic- I said get right into it, we're a half hour in the podcast. Anti-Vatic can't magic. Protect yourself from the Vatican by S. Robb. Chapter one, note! What follows sounds fanciful and like fiction, but is completely true. Everything that follows in the following statements actually happened. I have had my run-ins with the Vatican. Some way they can. I say they can't, and so the Vatican can't. I don't even have a theory as to what that first- they say, your first sentence needs to be an absolute killer to get them- to get them hooked.

You have my attention, yes. Your first sentence needs to be an absolute killer to get them hooked. You have my attention, yes. I want to read more, yeah. As much as we want it, this is a slam dunk. We all want to keep reading. Like, you picked up this book, you're like, I hope this is some crazy shit, and then he says that, and you're like, well, jackpot. Also, I want to clarify, I will, if it's talking like a like a dipshit if I just read something wrong I'll clarify that otherwise assume this is a hundred percent accurate when I say something crazy like okay like this I have had my run-ins with the Vatican some way they can I say they can't and so the Vatican's

That's the first sentence. We're so good. It's like That's the first sentence. It's so good. It's like, do you remember the Steiner brothers? Sometimes they were these wrestlers and they'd get on the mic and they would try to like convey some complicated thought. Like Scott Steiner for instance, might say something like that.

And I don't know, I just, it feels familiar to me. It feels nice. Like it kind of sounds like someone's trying to fuck me up, but I feel like that's what's going to happen after he listens to this podcast anyway. Before I even found S-Rob, one of my goals was to get somebody to cast a death curse on me, like over the internet. Hopefully via YouTube video, I would, that would be, oh, that's on the bucket list, man. Yeah, that's what I want. Good marketing. We never do marketing. I think that'd be really good marketing. Yeah. Yeah, I would plug that.

I would actually go, I would start a TikTok to post that on TikTok. My friend had a comedy, like, festival, and until the Daily Wire rage baited it and started sending a bunch of hate and threats her way, not that many people were signing up. It was fucking huge. Imagine what an anti-Pope death threat could do for you. I say they can't, and so the Vatacan't. Are they the Vatacan, or the Vatacant? The Vatacant, I think.

And calling them such removes much of their power. Already. They're already in the hole. You call them the Vatacant, and they're like, fucking what? Like 80% of our power is gone. It's true. Like if you're a paladin and you're like, um, it's actually the Vatican. Like you've already lost the argument. It's fucking over.

The Vatican is one of the old evil empires, one that did not die off but transformed and convinced others they had died off. Don't be too fearful, but the Romans are coming. Still walking the earth, still with legions and power, up to new tricks and some old. The evil never went away. Neither did the greatness. Okay, so Italians exist? This whole time? Brace yourself for these revelations. They've always existed.

Again, this is the opening paragraph. Italian, you might've thought they were dead. The Italians are still around. He has a point. He does have a point. Romans exist. You can't deny it. There's a whole city.

They still call it that. The balls on these people. The call. They're not even trying to hide it, but also they're hiding it very well. They still employ their mercenaries the Swiss Guard and who knows who else. My first run-in with the Vatican happened after I contacted the Vatican News and found that a winged creature and a white-lit figure that looked not unlike the Pope awoke me and told me if I ever left the room, my bedroom, I would cease to exist."

So he, his first run-in, his first altercation with the Vatican was when he contacted Vatican News to talk about the winged Pope that attacked him in his room. That's your inciting incident. That's what set this all off. That's why he wet the bed that night, because he didn't want to risk the bathroom. It's all the Pope's fault. No, you fool. He wet himself outside and proudly. As he says, of course, this only made me want to leave the room more to test it out.

I doubted it. In your face, Pope, I'm outside. In your face, Moth Pope, I'm leaving my bedroom today! I went for the door and found myself back in bed, so I got up again and punched what was probably an angel. God, this is so hard to read. Partially because instead of periods or commas or sometimes nothing, he uses a colon all the time. So I never know when a sentence is ending or starting, and neither will you. It's an email my parents have forwarded me.

Great. Yes. So I got up again and punched what was probably an angel colon on its wings, because if these were damaged, it would transubstantiate and not be allowed back into heaven. If you punch an angel in the wings. Yeah, see I would have guessed that but it's nice to have that verified by an actual wizard. Yeah, yeah, it is nice. I don't know if these are like biblical angels that are just like balls of eyes and arms with wings, but I guess the wings exist either way.

Yeah, if you punch them. Good for you. Then it blinks out of existence, and then you gotta punch the other, and then you can damage the core. I know how to type- how to damage any type of angel. That's awesome. I left the room and felt myself drop down to the ground, and then I was standing again. I believe I was replaced by my immortal self, S. Robin Victus, which is why I wrote as him for a while. My first sona took over, and my sex- my sex fox wrote chapters 3 and 4. His fursona is just himself again. Right.

He's got a fursuit in his exact same image. Those things are fucking expensive. It cost him everything. And then he wrote books, is that? That's the reason why he wrote under a pen name, in case you wanted to know. He punched an angel, and then fell down, and woke up as an immortal. I walked down the stairs to see what can only be described as more alien-like than angelic creatures. I was told by a creature that looked different from the rest that if I left I would be erased and not exist So I summoned Papa Legba the voodoo man and got him to open a doorway that led to my realm

Because this was my house. It was not in my realm This was a version of my house in hell in the underworld I walked through the doorway and noticed there was only a slight difference and worked out each time I walked through it was Like stepping up one or two or maybe just one layer of hell Wait, that's word for word one or two or maybe just one It was like stepping up one step or maybe one maybe just one layer of hell Okay, maniacs advocate as I think I've established I have a short person connection to this man

Sometimes we think that we have made done the feat of stepping over two stairs and it was just one You feel really accomplished and those stairs, I guess maybe layers of hell I don't know how big layers of hell are but I imagine they're hard for short people So it's like it's like when you take when you try to take two steps at a time, but then you trip and you just fall back down to the first step. That's what he did with Hell. He was like, I'm gonna, no, just one. Just one.

This is why I know Hell has a lot more layers or steps than many think. Possibly just one, I guess. So I went in one end of the doorway and out the other and then around and back in again and again and again until finally my dead body lay before me. I stepped over it and through the doorway and I was free. I told Papa Legba to shut the doorway and all was finished. I had died at least twice and been replaced by my new immortal versions of S. Robin Victus. An immortal version of myself I had created, and as I said, I wrote as S. Robin Victus for a while until I felt sure he was me and that I was the same person. It all makes sense. Yeah, I'm on board. Do you ever try to explain a dream to someone? No.

Not usually. No, I'm a thoughtful and caring friend. I think this gentleman had a dream. And then wrote 700 books. If there's any nugget of truth to it, that's gotta be it, right? Alright, you don't think. What you don't believe, what you think is unlikely, is that the Moth Pope came into his room and he punched an angel back into- back out of heaven so it could never return to heaven. And then he went down the stairs but the stairs were hell and then he died several times,

called a voodoo man and became two immortal versions of himself. One of them was a pen name that he didn't quite trust. You don't think all that happened? I mean, look, I'm a massive cryptid nerd and I don't know how this guy is already living simultaneously in New Orleans and Point Pleasant, West Virginia, let alone all of the things he said that are much more suspect than that. I have a question. Is he like a video game nerd?

Because a lot of this sounds like video game stuff. Like we're talking about no clipping, but he's also like talking about dying multiple times and Like getting to a door and respawning and you know, it's all just kind of video game language Even if it's not using like terminology it This is video game story. It's your own corpse in a sugar. It's definitely He's definitely a magic nerd and I think that's lower on the rung than game nerd. So it's possible that he is trying to claim some of the game nerd power. But you can't verify it from his books.

He doesn't have a World of Warcraft level of guide or anything. He might. I have not found all 700. I feel like we have the same issue. We have been hitting the same exact walls in Baldur's Gate. I feel a kinship with this man. This was the section in Baldur's Gate. I feel a kinship with this man. This was the section in Baldur's Gate, you're right. That is how you solve that puzzle.

You have to duplicate your immortal self twice and punch out the angel in order to escape the hell realm. I had to look that up, but it's true. Yeah, it's, yeah. And then the walkthroughs are full of like AI generated bullshit. And then there's like the one that like doesn't correspond to a video, but then there's the video's too long.

That is exactly what this is. It's just a bunch of AI bullshit in the middle of the actual walkthrough. There's also a genie. It all adds up. This is his Baldur's Gate run. He just really fucking it up. He seems to think that went very well, and the implication, the reason I think that is his...

The next section begins with, the second run-in with the Vatican did not go so well. The second time I found an internal Vatican email and so I sent a free e-book copy of my book, A Cult, Escapology, Humanic Possession, Escapology Used Within Magic to the Aim of Possession, a devil or a demon. I had already written my book, Satanic and Demonic Command Power, which is the first human- first humanic possession book, but I thought the Vatican needs the book that had just been released because it effectively won the unwinnable war against evil. Now you gotta think that book got in the inbox of someone. If they work at the Vatican, they probably really think all this stuff is real, that demons and shit exist, right? Or they have

to like live by that kayfabe. So they'd get this book and this this would have to feel like a very spiritual threat to them. Like, this guy's threatening us with demon powers, which are real because of my day job. Yeah, yeah, I was at first looking at this, you're like, this is a one-sided war, and now I'm kind of on his side. Yeah. If I have to pick a side in this shit, I don't believe. Yeah, you're not going to side with the pope.

I mean, we're here to attack and dethrone the pope, of course. Okay, so it gets a little confusing because he's completely insane. But what he's saying here is that he found an email address to the Vatican, and what he did was sent them a free copy of his book so that they could win the war against evil after thousands of years because he did that. He found the God code for Earth, for reality. He goes on to clarify, all they need to do is to always have a priest or bishop performing one of the rituals

and standing on the correct sigil, and they control hell. Humanity has won. I was hoping for a hearty pat on the back, and though the Vatican and I had simply gotten off to a bad start, what with them trying to kill me and all, I thought there would be congratulations and maybe the Pope would slip me a few million from time to time

him being the richest man in the world and all it did not work out quite like this first of all trying to kill my ass he killed you twice in the first story you told but also I think the idea that the Pope would just like give him a million dollars for a book is, I think it's pretty funny. Well, it's a, I feel like we've decoded this guy's like fantasy here. I don't know. You thought the Pope was gonna read a slush pile email. The whole reason there's a library in the Vatican is because no other books,

their whole thing is the one book. This is it. They're gonna take your book and put it, no they're not. It's not good enough to be in there. It's just funny that like his motivation is pretty clearly money. Like the fantasy at the end of his goals is a bunch of money. And now he's sort of whatever, piecing together the road that leads to that money. And it does involve dying a few times to angel fights and-

But your reward at the end of those angel fights is to get the Pope's PR address so you can finally email him your book. Yeah. And he pays that Pope, he doesn't even know what books are. He pays like a million dollars for each book. He thinks they're incredible. You just gotta get them to him. It didn't work out like that.

He says, I was called an idolater. I was insulted. Surely not just an idolater, but theator, greater than even Lucifer himself. What with what was even then, hundreds of books on magic. This is my 681st book, and almost all of these are on magic. If this is true, if he's worse than Lucifer, he owes the Pope one million dollars. That's how that works. So, because you wrote almost 700 Kindle Unlimited books, you're better than Satan.

I have more power than Satan. Thanks to have you seen how many pages I get read on Kindle Unlimited? It's seven! You ever seen Satan try to kill someone with a pen? It takes like 45 minutes. Stupid. Of course, it got much worse. I found one night that aliens, which I would describe as

Grays, entered my home through the walls. And a hugely tall reptilian being walking on two legs was definitely not human. This guy has so many fucking creatures in his home. Also, he has gone deep into the lore, but

also I'm pretty sure the people who believe in Grey's and the Reptilian's people are not on good terms because all these people on Reddit and no one on Reddit is on good terms. It's true. You won't find friends there. How he's absorbing the information is just different. Yeah. I don't think it's peer-reviewed.

I don't think he goes on the Reddit and says, here's my theories, let's discuss. I feel like this is a guy that genuinely alone, you can kind of get that clue when he's like, an angel came and said, I wasn't allowed to leave my room. I get the feeling this guy keeps to himself a lot. Like I said, I don't have the therapy training you do, Hannah, but that's what I'm picking up on. I do not have therapy training. Just FYI, I was just raised by, I don't have the therapy training you do, Hannah, but that's what I'm picking up on. I do not have therapy training.

Just FYI, I was just raised by, I don't know, there are like eight of them in my family. That seems like that's close. I did a two week life coaching course and said, fuck it, because everyone in my family is nuts. I feel like a therapist like Marissa Tomei is a mechanic in my cousin Vinny. Yeah.

I feel like if I was raised by eight Bigfoots, I would feel qualified to call myself a Bigfoot expert. And if somebody was like, he hasn't even trained at Bigfoot, I would be like, come to my come to dinner. Yeah, that's true. See all the Bigfoot heads on my dining room wall. That's true. No one who has had dinner with my parents has asked this, has levied this accusation. Aliens have invaded his room. He is totally incapable of defending himself, and yet he has written 700 books on magic about specifically defending yourself against these types of creatures, so he is already

selling himself as totally incompetent within his own fiction. They marched around my room and the greys gave themselves children's voices in my mind. Well, a past pope himself said it had five percent kitty fiddlers among their priests and bishops. Who knows what the real number is, but probably much larger. I worked some magic made up on the spur of the moment using my hands, and it had some effect, but they were strong, so I went for a weapon. The only weapon I had at the time that was an actual weapon was my stick, the Titfield Thunderbolt. Okay, I don't like how kids, tits, hands, are they all being juxtaposed together in a really surreal story?

I don't like any of this. I feel like he's done himself a disservice here because that almost sounds adorable. That sounds like you're playing the fiddle for children. And instead of battling one of the greatest evils of humanity. In a marching alien context, absolutely. Those are Fiddle players. I mean, they get our transmissions from radio, right? I don't know. I just watched Contact like this week. Classic Fiddle movie. You're right. It's in the marketing. If you call this, like, Bishop Pedophile, the alien from outer Space. That's a much stronger hook. Right.

Yeah, you want to know how to defeat this Bishop Pedophile. Yeah, yeah, Bishop Billionaire Pedophile. Anti-Vatican, just basically just telling your readers, I'm a fucking idiot. Whatever this is, it's fucking stupid. I want to help this man. I want to help him punch up his demon magic. And it seems like he seems like the kind of guy that'll take constructive criticism well, just looking at that cover.

Yeah. That's like, looking at his face, I'm like, yeah! He takes feedback, he takes notes. The only weapon I had was my stick, the Tit Thunderbolt Just an exceptional name for a stick. It was named after an old Ealing film It looks like a gentleman's walking stick with a large metal ball end but is solid metal at its core Meaning it's heavy enough to smash a skull and possibly kneecap someone. I used it to steal the energy of the spearar of Destiny, the real one in Vienna, and place the energy into a Roman pylon spearhead which I own. That's right, I own the Spear of Destiny.

I mean, you have the power of it in your chalets, but like, I don't think that counts. I mean, this is the ending of a children's film where it was inside him all along. And I get it. I would love the idea of like a Vatican curator. He's like checking out the religious artifacts. He's like, hold on a second. Who has stolen the power from Longinus? This feels fragile and empty.

Look, it's like at least half an ounce lighter. That's what the power is. It's gone. And I an ounce lighter. That's where the power is. It's gone! And I put it into my cane. Yep. You thought it was a money heist, but it was a spirit destiny heist the whole time. I swung it at them, but it passed through. I did this for ages, and then I went back with it and it connected at last.

I swung this for six or seven hours because it was in wintertime. So it was the dark mornings and took ages for the sun to rise and those beings to leave. He had a seven hour stick fight with pedophile aliens. I'm gonna go ahead and say that's not an effective weapon. You're saying like, this weapon was so effective, I had the Spear of Destiny into my into my tit field thunderbolt. But if you wail on a wail on an alien for seven hours with a stick and it is not dead yet. You have to get a bigger stick. You fucking idiot. Put a spike in it.

To his credit, he clarified he did not connect for seven hours. He's just dodging. He's sticking and moving. I just like that in his head, this alien child blester from the stars, Bishop Kitty Fettler, came down to battle him in his room, and he channeled the Spear of Destiny through his Titfield Thunderbolt. But in reality, the only things that ever actually happened in this chapter is he stood up at night in his bedroom and just swung his cane around for six hours in the dark. What a maniac. What a true maniac you found. This was not the end!

A black car was outside of my house and a police van was parked at the end of my house that had no windows. I assume it was listening in. I was visited by men in black. Just some asshole whiffing. Foof, foof, foof, foof, I'll get you, foof, foof. Seven hours of that. I love that what every conspiracy person seems to have in common is that they think cops do their

jobs. And I think that's adorable. The silliest of all their ideas. It's really, really cute. I was visited by men in black, but I didn't get the cuddly ones others get. One of mine was human looking with dark glasses, while the others spoke in an Irish accent, but had white skin, no visible nose, possibly holes, and the mouth of a caterpillar. This... Poss... possibly holes... Possibly holes!

Possibly holes. He's like, I know this dude's got a butt in there somewhere. Something on you, squirts? This is turning to his dating profile. I'm sorry. Possibly holes. Fucking put it in the Louvre. Possibly holes. Fucking put it in the Louvre.

And the mouth. It's an Irish thing with no nose, some holes, and the mouth of a caterpillar. What I don't even know what that is. Can you picture the mouth of a caterpillar? It's an Irish maybehole. I just picture an actual caterpillar, like for a mouth. Here's a fucking Irish maybehole. They haunted the b bogs in my house

This gave it an appearance not unlike the figure in the painting the scream painted by the Norwegian artist Edward Munch in fact the thing was close enough to the painting as to make me wonder if the painting was a depiction of something He had seen quickly But did not want to admit seeing in case he was put in asylum like his sister had just been. It would be interesting to know if his sister saw anything and if she did, what was it? Okay, so he's been reading about Edvard Munch and he's like, yeah, I'm gonna incorporate this into my nonsense. What if...

Edvard Munch had seen a possibly old Irish caterpillar? What if that's what he was trying to say all along? Wait! What if his sister saw it? All expressionists artists saw aliens. They're painting very realistic depictions of the aliens they saw. That's fact. You heard it here in S. Robb's... Anti-Vaticant.

To make matters worse, a relative and his friend, who were both children at the time, were followed around by a black car like I had seen. Luckily, some responsible adults looked after the children to make sure nothing happened. The Vaticant, or should I say Vatican, does seem to have a strange fascination with children, does it not? Or 5% of them do, 5% at least. I think we get what you're getting at, Rob. I think. I've been on board this whole time, right? Sure. I've been on board for the hell and the swinging and it made sense because he said he didn't connect and the Caterpillar Man.

I don't believe that people with children are his friends. Look at that cover again and tell me. Tell me that man. It's not very approachable by children. You would, if you saw him in a playground all alone asking to be friends with your children, you would let him. And look, again, I relate. No kids would understand the deep references of our calm, meanie shrine. But they don't belong here.

It's weird that this guy's following around kids and then writing about it. And the details in the story are strange that like luckily some adults took care of them like what does that mean they told the car to stop trailing them they shielded them with their bodies like what what is he talking about how do you dissuade a caterpillar mouthed Irishman plug its maybe sounds like a riddle your thumbs possibly holes Now you'll never squirt, you son of a bitch, however you reproduce and or poop. In fact, the MIBs hounded me, especially the one with the mouth like a caterpillar. He followed me but could not enter my house or any building. But then no one invited him in. Strangely, like vampires of the old films.

But I did learn something about him. He responded to the descriptor of Genie. So this is the Genie. That's the Genie, ah. That's the Genie. Oh, okay. The promised Vatican alien Genie. He's an alien insect Genie.

Irishman? Alien insect Genie from Ireland. I just thought for some reason that's the part that's funniest to me. Yeah. When an alien has sex with a leprechaun and a caterpillar watches, what happens is they... That's how you make a genie. He said his people did what they did to survive and were not originally like this.

You gotta forgive me. We haven't always been like this. We haven't always been like this. We used to have definitely holes. There were holes everywhere. Normally we look quite cooler than this. I'm relating to this guy more and more and more. I imagine the genies of his tribe have mated with humans and animals giving them a strange appearance and obviously high intelligence and a very long

Lifespan I must admit that mating with caterpillars or other insects and who knows what because one of them could not find other genies Sounds like a bad idea even under this stress. Oh my God. So the genies were just lonely. They're like, I can't find a genie to date anywhere. And someone said, have you tried dating caterpillars? Yeah, it has maybe holes. It might have some holes. I don't know where they are, but let's just turn on the music

and let love take its course. And it did. Look, we weren't always like this. My dad fucked a caterpillar and I'm not proud of it. But at some point, there has been a lone genie with no mate who was mated with a caterpillar at some point, and probably humans too. This fits the description of some Noss Noss. This fits the description of some Nasnas. Although some are half men with half a head, one arm, etc. Some have mated with animals, making the Nasnas a mixed group. How in the hell a Nasnas genie ends up working for the Vatican is another matter. How is he spelling this?

N-A-S-N-A-S. Like, uh, like Nas, but twice. That was chapter one that explains why he wrote this book. Uh, so I hope you understand now. Uh, there were, there were possibly holes. There was a tit-field thunderbolt. Is he, he went to hell twice? He might have done some wild speculating on the origins of this caterpillar man. Like, it, it's,

it sounds like he's making some leap of luck. Do you think he maybe just saw a guy with a mustache? Like, he could have just seen a guy, like an Irish guy. The Nos Nos is Arabic folklore. Oh, okay. That explains the caterpillar. Half human, half head, half body, one arm, one leg, which it hops on with much agility.

That is not what he does. Oh, those guys that are just completely cut in half. He's a golden man. He's a golden half-breed. Okay. So that's a really strange leap to get from caterpillar fucking genies to a vertically bisected man. Aren't genies also Middle Eastern?

But yes. Yeah. But yes. Also yes. Also yes, that's a long way to go. He's sandwiching his cultures, which is a classic. Like if you were doing a D&D campaign in the Arabian Magic Area, you'd fight both,

you'd fight a genie and a nasnas, for sure. So, one would think they both date the same caterpillar. Yeah. One gets lonely. You know, it's gonna happen. They're gonna find there are possibly some holes. They're gonna find a nice carrion crawler.

A lot of D&D references today. I feel like he's happy. I feel like this guy's having a good time. He's fighting genies. He's punching angel wings. Yeah. He is in a world of his own making, and that seems happier than the real world that we live in right now.

Judging by the comments he left on the article I wrote about him, no, he's not. Yeah, now, he kinda seems like he might be driven by spite in some ways, but he lives an adventurous life. Not exactly in his brain, theoretically. He- you know what, maybe he would like us to believe he leaves an adventurous li- it doesn't matter. I feel like this man's, uh, lost his mind, and, uh, in a fun way. I wish everyone could be crazy like this. Yeah.

Me too. Listen, his sleep paralysis is at least cool. Right. A lot of people just can't move for a bit. Yeah, yeah, a lot of us are just like sweaty and can't move our arms. And it's it's fine, but it's not fun. There are no genies. There are no holds.

Definitively no holds. Unhold accountant. Ititively no holds. An unholed accountant. Is my shadow person. Alright, so that was the explanation for why he wrote this book. I hope that makes perfect sense now. In his mind that's settled. I'm not sure what that was. I feel like lead paint might be really why he wrote this book.

Power lines might have contributed a bit. Fracking couldn't have helped. Microplastics. Microplastics. He seems closer to our age. I'm thinking microplastics. It migrated up to his brain. Maybe macroplastics. He might've just like,

used some water bottles. Yes, yes. That's also what's in your brain, huh? I'm sorry. I don't mean to make this about the cat, but he does eat plastic a lot. This is what your cat's world is like. The cat version of all of this. He thinks you're the possibly-old caterpillar genie working for the cat pope here to destroy

him. Cat's leg. That's two Nasnas stuck together and she thinks she's pulling it off. She thinks she's getting away with it. All right. So we're going to get into the actual spells now. Uh, here's the introduction. If you want protection specifically from the Vatican, then use the following magic. But remember, you must will and intend this magic to work so that it does,

like all magic in this book. So if it doesn't work, okay, if you don't do magic, it's your fault for not wanting it hard enough. Oh yeah, I'm familiar with the metaphysical loophole. Everyone uses that out. Yeah. It's also handy though, because you don't want to accidentally cast any of these very powerful spells.

Yeah. you don't want to like accidentally cast any of these very powerful spells. Yeah, it's, you know, it's a trick that like, you know, any, any good cult, any, all your Scientology's will say, you know, you have to want it enough or like your cognitive behavioral therapies will do, you know, that you're just not trying hard enough thing is, it's, it's, it's a great asset. It's like you want the moth pope in your bedroom. That is for your one listener who has done cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm sorry. Well, it's not s-rob. It's probably not s-rob. Here is the first spell. Protection from the Vatican using the all magic. I call upon the power of the all magic.

The all magic that above all others that which I pledge my allegiance to all magic you are everywhere And yet I call you to be closer to me help me all magic be here be my perpetual friend My ally the all magic is with me. It is my friend my ally and I am its all magic potent force Great energy be with me help me so lonely So many untreated behavior disorders. Any friend, all magical friends welcome. All magic, I ask that you protect me from the Vatican and all its influences. Protect me with your power. The all magic agrees to help.

All magic, be everywhere, use your influence. Change the world as it must be done! So my request be answered! The all magic is everywhere! The changes are made! So it is and will be. So, uh... that's magic. That's what magic sounds like. It doesn't even sound like the all magic has been given clear directions. He just, like, wants it there to hang out with him, but he hasn't made any plans. I feel like that's not going to protect him from shit. If you know, if you listen to our bonus podcast, you might recognize some of this. It's a positive affirmation is what it is. You're saying what you want. And then you're saying, oh, well, that just happened. And then you were were repeating all those various phrases with very slight changes over and over again

Within the same spell now the reason we spent so much time on that long unhinged intro of his is because s-rob even above being a Magical pope fighting maniac is an Amazon Kindle unlimited copy-paste grifter. So this... Great. So the first chapter or so, the first like ten pages, are basically all this in this book and then he finds these spells, that exact template, and then he will change literally just the line where he says Protect me from the Vatican and all its influences. Change only that. I was gonna say, this became the secret.

Yeah, this is... Well, the not-so-secret. It's the yelling at the bus stop. Is that a variant of the secret? That was an Oprah book club. Yeah, if you have no vision board, shout into the sky. So if he's being very generous, there will be three or four like default Word doc template spells with like a line Paste it in in this book. There are three four there are four so he's very generous

That's the whole book is this this awesome thing you read us and then just that dumb bullshit that you read us times three Yeah, there are there are different variations the three times But then he pays them dozens of times to squeak out a hundred page book so that Kindle Unlimited will try to... He's trying to page the Kindle Unlimited page count. This is a general swindle where you load something up front with like 10% of writing and then you just copy paste the rest of the bullshit, hoping that you'll get more pages out of them. I just did that article about Donna Kassur, who writes terrible, terrible books. And she copy and pasted the wrong book instead of her standard dedication. So the first 25 pages of her book were a different book that she had pasted in the PDF. But it also, I left open the possibility that this was her trying to pad out her pages. So I do get a lot of these books where you're never sure if the author is completely incompetent

or if this is a canny attempt to outsmart an Amazon robot. I think it can add a third angle. I think you can be totally incompetent trying to outsmart a robot and a lunatic. And I think that's S. Robb. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I think you can believe this stuff and also be lazy. Yeah. Good point. I do want to trust this process though, just because I don't think anyone's read this far.

Oh yeah, definitely not. I'm his number one fan. I am holding out hope that we can kill the Vatican. Well, we're gonna try. Okay, so he copy and paste the spells a lot, but the there's still some intros and some spell titles that are worth covering. So here's how he introduces the next section of spells. I have given you a start and that was more than I had when I had to deal with my first Vatican attack. my first Vatican attack. But you- He punched a wing after all his training. He punched a wing and died twice. I feel like I can handle doing that. He took him seven hours.

Yeah. Then he fucking- We used to have it way rougher. You kids today, just with your anti-Moth Pope guns. We didn't have those back in the day. I'm telling you, when I write my memoirs, I will attack the angel with my Moth pope with a spinning kick or something. Like, I'm gonna fuck that angel up. I'm not gonna throw some karate chop at a wing.

Well, first you have to channel the spear of Destiny's soul into your kick foot. Oh yeah, iron fist style. Iron foot, but like, Jesus foot. Okay, that thing I just said whips ass though. Maybe we should do that. Hell yeah. Maybe that said whips ass though. Maybe we should do that. Hell yeah. Maybe that actually whips ass. But you will need to improvise if things get really nasty and there will likely as not not be any tool you would like to use. I have been lucky in that my attacks happened at home where I had the tit-field thunderbolt.

But this book may well yet cause another attack, although I do not intend to contact them this time. Whatever happens, I will see not intend to contact them this time. Whatever happens, I will see you on the other side of it." So he said, uh, I'm not emailing the Vatican again because I'm scared. I emailed the Vatican one time and they almost killed me. I'm never doing it again. I love that he has a signature weapon. It's so good. Like, this guy's fantasy life is very strong. So here's some of the variations of the All Magic. That's the type of magic, and it's just that insane thing I read about calling the magic

down. Okay. Wait, actually, you remember at the beginning of this podcast when you asked me about schizophrenia. I made it an eternity, and I'm sorry. But you asked me about schizophrenia. I have a relative with it, and now that I'm remembering, she has managed to write several letters to the Pope. Fantastic. Not just one.

This man is a coward. Gave up after one Pope attack? Has she ever been attacked by a moth pope? I'll have to ask. I mean, I assume that goes without saying. gave up after one pope attack? Has she ever been attacked by a moth pope? I'll have to ask. I mean, I assume that goes without saying. That's like, that's just a default reply from the pope. I will say that having a full diagnosis of psychosis, the things that attack her seem more grounded.

Well, yeah, there's like an auto replies at the Vatican where it's like, sounds good, great job or send Moth Pope. So they're all the same spell, but you can use them to do different things. Here's one magic using the all magic for protection from men in black, which we've established that they have men in black. You can also magic using the all magic to push away angels, just to push them away. What's the distance on that? Like in Dungeons & Dragons Hexes? Yeah, I assume that's like a 20-foot bubble.

Okay. Like, it's pretty good. It frees you up a little bit. Okay. You know, a Magic restraining one. They are definitely going to have to use their next turn, all of their movement, just to get back to you. Angels have the short legs. Yeah, you've got that Magic to get back to you. Angels have short legs. Yeah, you got that magic TRO going for you. But then after all this, which is like, protect me from the Vatican, protect me from the Vatican's

men in black, protect me from the angels the Vatican sends, there is magic using the all magic for greater endurance. Okay. Just a little one for you. Just a little personal one. Like for a jog or is this like a sexual stamina thing? Looking at him, I'm gonna say jog. Wait, no it's neither. I think it's gonna be hot dog eating contest.

If we're looking at him, this is... Well you gotta swing that fucking stick for seven hours just to take down a single. Seven hours of thunder tit, what was the thing called? Tit fuck thunder balls? Tit fuck thunder balls. I'm not doing a bit, I generally don't remember the name of the shillelagh.

Oh boy, it sounds right. Tit field thunderbolt. You were not far off. Okay, good. It seems like endurance and stamina aren't really the problem. Right. He's got seven hours of thunder tit swinging.

That's not enough, it wasn't enough to kill that thing. There's not even a QVC sword around. Oh, there definitely is. This dude's house has got at least ten of those things. Yeah, what a bold proclamation. I guarantee you, inside the tit field thunderbolt is like some sort of Klingon weapon. And he pulls out. It's...yep. Yep. It's not a betleth, it's a mekleth! I'm understanding this man. I'm freaking out a little bit. Yeah, getting in his mind space.

So that's using the All Magic. That's one type of magic. Another type, as he promised at the start, is Zeus magic. So Zeus, the ancient Greek father of the gods and all humans, can be used against the Vatican. The power of many gods against a single god. As I write this, I am writing what I was told to write from Zeus himself, as his giant face gazed down at me. Zeus is never far away, and it has never been so long since he gazed down at me. Lovely. Amazing. And it has never been so long since he gazed down at me. He's... lovely.

Amazing. I've had a lot of Zeus bros in my Twitter comments, actually, because of the swan fucking. And how... I was wondering, I don't think you can consent as a swan, even if you consent as a human. The minute you are turned into a swan, you stop consenting. That's where I stand, goddammit. And a lot of people want to defend the swan fucking.

Yeah. And it's very much the Zeus version of if you get someone drunk, but they agree to get drunk, it's okay. When they turn into a swan, they have a full swan brain. They're not like an airbud situation where they're a very special swan. I don't know. I guess I wouldn't let someone fuck airbud. So maybe that's already, I've answered my own question.

Yeah, that's a good point. I would not. He's a very special person. Yeah, airbud is not capable of consent. I think that was in Airbud 3 when we established that. Yeah. I don't even think the shape of water fish counts. Just because you get egg

I pictured a scene in airbud 3 where the guys looking through the rulebook He says oh no look it says right here. You cannot have sex with a hockey dog. It's in the rules The rules this has you oh really no no no they thought of you buddy Know your bullshit Oh really? Oh! No, no, no, they thought of you, buddy. They saw you coming. They know you're bullshit. They know. No. Dunstan checks in, though. Wide open. He knows what he's doing. He didn't get dressed in the dark.

He didn't wear that suggestive bell-hop costume for no reason. So he got really lonely for Zeus, but luckily Zeus came back and taught him some magic to take down the Pope. The first time Zeus gazed at me was when I said I felt like a spare piece in the game of life and wanted a mission, a goal, and his face appeared on a wall. I did not at the time know it was Zeus. Only now do I know. And he said he would give me a mission and I ended up writing Hundreds of books on occultism this book is my 681st book overall with almost all of these written on occultism Ancient Zeus is back to help us all this time to fight the Vatican. I mean you heard it here They heard it without any of that story I was so lonely that a face appeared and then I I wrote a bunch of really, really stupid books.

Too many books. They're not good books. They're for fighting the Vatican. A face appeared that I cannot commit was Zeus, but then I figured eventually I gotta call him something. Yes, you can check online to see if I defeated the Vatican. I have not. So here's Zeus, father of the gods magic, for all 12 Olympic gods to bestow protection from the Vatican.

I'm just gonna read part of it until I get sick of it. Hermes, ancient Greek god, you are the god of athletes, travelers, and thieves, and a messenger to the gods, and a guide to the underworld, and all borders are yours to control. Hermes, thin the border that separates this land, the true Mad Olympus where the gods reside. Hermes thinned the border, thin it more until it is thinned and it is gone. Hermes thins the border, he thins it more and it is gone and Mad Olympus is here. I call on Zeus, the god of the sky, lightning, thunder, end law and order. Zeus comes to me and can be seen by me.

I call on Poseidon, god of the sea, Poseidon comes and can be seen by me. I call on Poseidon, God of the sea. Poseidon comes and can be seen by me. I call on Aria, God of War. You know, Aria. He had it all on a girl laptop. Goth of Wag, come to me. I'm not gonna read farther than Aria, the God of War. It's so good. Okay, so, so far from wherever you are reading

or listening or just vibing with this, so in my case, you have thinned the astral condom protecting this apartment in North Hollywood, California. Almost taking it off. It's like. Yeah, yeah, it's like nothing. There it's not even there. Yeah. Yeah.

For, for Zeus's pleasure. It's always for Zeus's pleasure. It sounds like it. It is very politically centrist. He's like, wants very, very thin borders, but he's also for law and order. Like I'm getting some, it's hard to get, like, a handle on this guy's politics. He's a madman, so, I mean, I think we all know where his politics lie, but...

Oh, he's a Brexit man, for sure. This is... I feel... This wizard, this is a Brexit wizard. Yeah, it's a Brexit wizard. Is this guy from the UK? Yeah, he's British. He's... He... I feel like I should have gotten that from...

Genes don't really enter into that isolated island much. There's not much variation over there. I feel like I should have gotten that from the general egg-shaped, but I didn't. Still back to Duck it All. Those fucking egg-shaped English. God damn it all. I don't know what, like, I sound... And again, I'm thinking about, I'm Ashkenazi Jewish, we have five faces, like there's no,

I can't get away from the fact that I am this man. But you're like, this guy has beans for breakfast. Every time I try to make fun of him, you see yourself. I remember something. That's his reflect. He's cast reflect on himself. He has. He has and it is working. All right, so you can use that spell to do a lot of things. Here's one. Zeus, father of the gods magic for all 12 Olympic gods to attack any members of any organization of your choosing. Okay.

It's a choose your own adventure spell. If this guy meets someone who believes any word he says, he should not trust their judgment. And he should not trust them with a spell they can use on anything. Oh, oh, I'm just over here going LAPD, LAPD, let's do it. So that spell is exactly that same line of gibberish that I read you, including Aria, the god of war. Did he copy and paste it area? Yes. Okay. Yes. Maybe that's just the British spelling of it. Oh, yeah, no, that makes sense. They say the... Aria, the god of war. That spell is so generic that in the line where you're... The only thing that changes in any of these spells is the one line where you insert what you want it to do.

Like, protect me from the caterpillar-holed Irishman. That's the only thing that's different in each of these spells. So in this one it says, Artemis, Hephaestus, and Dionysus, I ask that you use your power and that of all you command to attack all who are members of and then underlined State name of chosen of chosen organization state name of chosen organization the local baby gap I Should be allowed to stand in there with a milkshake for four hours victim of spare here

He's not allowed near the baby gap. Hell no! He's gonna get revenge now! That's their mistake. They pissed off a very powerful sorcerer. Zew's father of the gods magic to use against baby gap! Oh, it's right here! It's got its own!

And here's a little spell just for you in this one, just like for greater endurance. This one says, we all need resources, so use what follows so that you will become richer but there will always be something you need to do to get this but do note you can use this magic again and again infinitely until you become rich and I would say use this magic a lot right and can we verify that this man is independently wealthy? And still no. I think he did not say what the amount was, so I think Hana's right. I think that's what he's doing.

I think each time he writes a book, that's a spell, and it gets him seven cents, and he just has to do it forever, over and over again. You can do it as much as you want until you're rich. That's how magic works. Yeah, I think he is described having a job. So that was Zeus, father of the gods magic, for all 12 Olympic gods to make you richer. Now let's move on from Zeus magic, too. No Aphrodite.

No some-holes god. Interesting. Well, you know to... No Aphrodite. No some holes god. Interesting. Well, you know what? No, coming up. I know, there's at least one hole. Because now it's time for Odin magic. Fuck yeah. That counts as a hole.

It does count as a hole. You will now be using the Allfather. He knows Odin, the supreme viking god. Odin has one eye. He gave one to get the runes, written language, and knowledge. He is a god of war and death, but also of knowledge and magic and poetry. Here follows magic for protection. Odin magic for protection. The Vatican is rich. It is, after all, the surviving Roman Empire, so it would be. A good way to reduce the power of the Vatican is for it to lose money. Use this magic to help it to let it help you and harm them. Odin magic for the Vatican to lose money.

That's what it's called. Odin magic for the Vatican to lose money. Again I'm going to read this spell until I'm sick of it. Bifrost the great rainbow the rainbow bridge you lead to Asgard and the palace of Odin, the land where he is. Bifrost, I command you to connect Asgard, the land of Odin, to here. I ask that you, the Rainbow Bridge, come here. Bifrost, be here. And also in Asgard. Be here. He here, so that Odin the Allfather. God of War and Death, great magician, God of Poets and Wisdom, can come here and be here with me. Great magician, God of Poets and Wisdom can come here and be here with me. Bifrost, the Rainbow Bridge is here and with me now. The bridge that leads to Asgard.

Odin, Allfather, God of War, Death, Magic, Poets and Wisdom, I ask that you walk over the bridge from Asgard and be with me. Odin, Allfather, I ask that you walk over the bridge. I'm sick of this. Oh, buddy. Yeah, what the fuck? I think Odin's sick of this. Odin's like, okay, yeah, this guy's got something to do. Let's do it. Okay, my frost is ready. And then

I would rather explain to the passport office why my passport was stolen five years ago, and I haven't reported it. Get a new passport. Fly to the Vatican. a couple plates, get arrested, spend a bunch of time in jail with, I don't know, a bunch of Italians. Those exist? My god, this changes everything! Then recite the spell in private. At least that way you could say I fist fought the Swiss Guard. And that's like, that's a badge of honor. They have a badge for that and some biker gangs. I

Feel like I wouldn't be allowed Based on their other badges, but I'll take it. I will take it It's three times as long as that and you copy and paste that over and over again Here's the relevant part of that spell Odin walks over the Rainbow Bridge Odin I ask that you use your power so that the Vatican will lose money. And this is what I ask of you. Just... That's... God, Odin's face would drop so hard after hearing that.

He's like, got his spear ready. He's like, oh hell yeah! And then he's like, I just want the Vatican to lose a little money. This... again, his chronically online lingo is mixed up because that is what you say in like, pet subreddits when a pet dies. It has crossed the rainbow bridge. So as to not offend anyone who may be of a different religion, but also make them feel comforted as their pet is still watching over them. Fucking all of that.

All of that was to dip the interest rate in the Pope's savings account. That was it. You can also use Odin magic. Odin magic to be able to recruit bodyguards. Okay. Just hire them. Odin magic to kill Vatican abusers, so you can kill child molesters from a distance.

I would have led with that one. That feels like, if you're like rating the importance of these spells and you're like, here's one that kills child molesters, but no, no, no, you know what they ought to do first is have the Vatican lose a little money. Nope, that was right up top. Vatican should lose a little money. And then way down there is kill some Vatican abusers. However, best for last, here's the little spell Odin has just for you.

To own a business is a good thing. So use this magic so that it can help you. I think you should have this magic so that gaining one more magic is yours. Real magic follows. Here is Odin magic to own one more business. And it's just an application for a subway franchise. Oh my god. Okay, so we all own a business. Does anyone here want another one? Oh my god, okay, so we all own a business. Does anyone here want another one? That's how money works you have to own another business to make more money Like you're this business makes $200. So I have to own Let me do the math here real quick 5,000 businesses, you need a few more

Just gotta keep starting them. Here's the relevant part of that spell. Odin, Allfather, I ask that you walk over the bridge Bifrost so that you can be here with me. Odin walks over the Rainbow Bridge. Odin, I ask that you make me the owner of one more business. And this is what I ask of you. Odin, I really need you to co-assign this business loan. Odin, Etsy did not go well. Odin, I need you to buy seven thousand Asteris. One more business, Odin. Just one more. Look, I gave you seven businesses. They're not working.

You just need to commit to... All right, fine. You did the spell. One more business. I guess you're selling knives. You're selling knives to all the other gods. So you know those knives? Yes. That you were referencing, the cutco knives. They call you as soon as you turn 18 and they ask you to sell them door to door. Okay, sure. My parents did not believe that that's not how jobs work. Yeah, to sell knives.

And they did not believe after I went into the interview that they drove me to, to make sure that I didn't leap out of the car, that it was not a scam. So I sold them and only them some knives and they are still using them. Hey, good knives. Every once in a while, they ask me, hey, remember that job you had selling knives? Wouldn't it have been dumb if you quit that job? So they still think you're doing it.

I mean, they think I did it for, but they think I sold knives to other people besides them. And that I did not sell knives to them purely because they forced me to. They begged to be scammed. That's the cutco business model though, is like, I'll hire you, you sell this to like your dad. You sell this to your parents

who don't know anything about knives. And then you never come back, You just never show up again. Yeah. No, that is 100% why they have persisted. Nobody has a second day at Cutco. Nobody's ever in history shown back up to a Cutco. It's the reverse for me. My mom would try to do MLMs on me.

She'd be like, look, I had this great business opportunity for you to sell jewelry. And I remember I was old enough that I knew I couldn't like talk her out of it. Like I'd known my mom long enough that I can't be like, okay, I can win this argument. So what I tried to do is help lead her to a conclusion.

I said, here's what you could do. Take your money, sign up under my name, and then keep all the profits I would have made. And I thought, like, certainly she will see the error in this. And she sat there and thought about it, and I think she might have done it. I haven't checked with her, but I think she might have actually done it. Oh, how's your credit score? Oh, I don't know.

I've been probably not great. Or maybe it worked out. She never mentioned it again, but maybe she sold lots of people on the idea of selling jewelry and now there's a bank account somewhere with my name on it, just filled with Jewel Way money. Yeah, you want if there's an account somewhere

with like $2 billion. She could be in the 1% for whom those were. Just waiting. Just waiting for you. Is it that high? I thought it was lower than that. It might be lower than that. It's probably lower than that.

I'm pretty sure it's only- The 1% is our economy in general, I think. I'm pretty sure the only person that works for is the person who invented the scam. So it's just one guy. Or fuck them forever. Curse them to hell and we'll use our Vaticant magic to destroy them. Yeah, we'll invoke the power of Odin and the bridge that pets go. Odin, please help me start a business.

That kills MLM founders. Uh, Essarob is gonna take us out. You have completed this book, and so its many tools and spells are yours. You know of the Vatican, and are prepared to fight it if it ever attacks you. Walk with pride. You are an occultist after all. I knew we had it in us.

That's the ending text on the NES game when you spend 12 hours reading it. Congratulations, a winner is you. Sign S-Rub. Congratulations, a winner is you. A winner is you, an occultist is you. I like that he takes us out by being like, now you know the Vatican, right? You didn't know about that before. We've met Zeus's face.

Odin has taken the bridge into our house. We punched an angel, it's been quite a day for us all. It's been a journey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we swung a nebulous cane-ish item around. The Tidfield Thunderbolt! Our podcast is great! And with Maximillian, ciao! Does Frankfurt Podcast say correct? Yes! The craft is not trapped, it is not without!

Send it to the dog zoo for an hour! Come on, you know the number! Einstein, who did Frankfurt? Einstein, who did New York? Yeah, Neutauzen! It's Supreme Day here on Hot Dog Prime. The day where all hot dog denizens stand tall and proudly salute the heroes who made the ultimate sacrifice in our never-ending meat war against the vile burger race. Aaron Crosston, Adrian H, Aidan Mouat, Alex Nolenberg who held on to a grenade too long. That's a lesson for you new recruits.

If you love something, like a hand grenade, gotta let it go. Alpha Scientist Javo, Un-Andy, Armando Nava, Benjamin Siron and died from flamethrower wounds received at the Platoon Barbecue, but let the record show his hot dogs were cooked to perfection and in record time. the record show his hot dogs were cooked to perfection and in record time. Bim Tullzer Brandon Garlok Brian Saylor Burrito

Serrell Chase Clementi Danger never opened his parachute. He's convinced you don't take fall damage if you land on the enemy. We applaud the sentiment, even as we mourn the result. Greg Lemoy. Quavis. Dan B. Daniel Sloan. Devin, the rogue supreme. David Schull. Dean Costello. Delta Foxtrot found out his own wife was a burger and turned her in without a second thought. Some say he died when the Swat Dogs raided his house. We know it was really a broken heart. Drayson.

Dusty's rad title. Eric Riard. Every zig. Fancy shark. Gareth tried teen-wulting a burger tank. Tried. I do dishonor to the man. He Teen-Wolfed that Burger Tank. It still counts if you crash it into a lake.

Jell-O-Ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches. Greg Cunningham. Hem-Bone. Haraka died from potato poisoning. Just regular old potato poisoning. Wash those potatoes, no job too small. Harvey Benguini.

Honk. Jaber Al Aiden. James Borde. Jared Mountain Mad. Jeff Oreski fatally crashed the Dodge Hyper Challenger he bought with his signing bonus. How many good soldiers will we lose to the Dodge Hyper Challenger? Jim Salter John Dean John McCammon John Minkoff

Joseph Searls Josh Hess Joshua Graves Justin Bean K&M Chess Joshua Graves Justin B K & M Kamutsas was hollowed out and had his animated corpse used as a honeypot trapped by the burgers. Remember to wrap those wieners hot dogs. Kyle Campbell Lisa

M Jahi Chapelle Mark Mahoney Matt Riley butt-dialed an a air strike on himself at a gender reveal party. It's a girl, and she's already enlisted to avenge her daddy. Max Beroy Michael Dillon Michael Lair Mickey Lowman

Mike Stiles Moju Mort is actually a burger, who saw the freedoms and benefit packages we offer and was won over Don't shoot the skinny burger in the long bun. He's on our side Mr. Bob Gray indeed Neil Bailey Neil Schaeffer

Neko 104 held a machine gun nest against a Shaffer. Neku104 held a machine gun nest against a 4,000 strong burger horde, only to die of diabetes at this very award ceremony. Proper nutrition isn't just a good idea, it's your duty. Ozzy Olu, Patrick Herbst, Rachel, Rhiannon, Sarkovsky hollowed out a sexy burger and climbed inside to use it as a honeypot trap. It worked a little too well, but good initiative, soldier. Sean Chase Spotty Reception Super Non Terej Thomas Kvatsos Timmy Leahy knows if you see two buns, you

start shooting. It's a tragedy what happened at that hunk convention, but vigilance is always market price. Tommy G. Velo Booster Waylon Russell Zack and Ava both simultaneously choked to death on Footlongs, but that was one hell

of a USO show, wasn't it, dogs? And finally, Hot Dog Prime hereby posthumously bestows the medal of misguided valor on Sergeant Ken Paisley, who died in a kamikaze run on a burger nest. It turned out it was just an old Pizza Hut, there shaped a lot alike. Remember cadets, if it's flat and cheesy, say pizza pleasey. If it's beefy and round, you bomb it to the ground.