The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 170, Tupi Tea With Jason Pargin

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

Brockway is joined by Seanbaby and guest, Jason Pargin, to dance the sacred fire ritual of engorged hogs. They're talking about the tragic, insane, bizarrely racist hour long commercial for Tupi Tea, from the makers of Gorilla Flow!

1-900-HOT-DOG 1-900-HOT-DOG Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say Hot Dog Podcast Word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the numbers. 1-900 1-900-HOT-DOG Welcome to the Dogs of 9000, the official podcast of 1900Hot Dog, America's last fun thing. Sometimes we do this real thorough plug for the site and like appeal to your senses. I think we can just say this, uh, it's talented human beings writing human comedy for humans, which hopefully is you. That- that sort of thing doesn't exist anywhere else, so when the robots find us, and they will, this will all be destroyed forever. So before that happens, come support us. Come arm the resistance over on patreon.com slash 1-900-HOTDOG

and experience joy before it is turned into robot fuel. I believe that's what it's going to be. I am Notorious Dick Cannibal Robert Brockway and with me is my comedy partner and Notorious Dick Cannibal Sean Baby. It's a pleasure to be here. As far as I know, I have no secret sex organs in my body that control my dick.

I have great news for you or terrifying news for you. I'm not sure how you're gonna take it, but our guest today is award-winning author and yes, Notorious Dick cannibal Jason Pargin. We are going to be making plenty of jokes about dicks and cannibalism and some such things. Allow me to say before we get into that, if you are having erectile dysfunction issues, that can often be a sign of actual health problems. Please tell your doctor, we are going to make a joke about erectile dysfunction

in this episode, but before we start that, please, it can be an early sign of all sorts of cardiovascular issues if you're actually having hog softness. Tell your doctor. We don't want you to die. It's not. You lymphatic, pathetic monster.

It's not something to be ashamed of because you were not you were not man enough to make the blood flow Correctly through the capillaries in your penis. It is often a medical issue now the show can begin That's very nice. Well before we before we get into to dick cannibalism, which will there will be a lot of he's not getting folks Where can people find more of you Jason? to Dick cannibalism, which there will be a lot of. He's not kidding, folks. Where can people find more of you, Jason? More of your books, for example. The new book that is left for pre-order now is called I'm Starting to Worry About This Black Box of Doom.

Just Google the title wherever you like to pre-order books. If you think you want it, if you know you like my books, it helps tremendously to pre-order it in advance, not just because you are absolutely going to forget otherwise because the book is not out until September. But it is available in audio and ebook and hardcover, all of the formats for pre-order, any of them. And this is the one with ancient dick cannibals.

That's why we're doing this podcast. Yes, it ties exactly into it. It is almost word for word exactly this. If you love the content of this podcast, you will love Jason's book. If you don't love it, you will not like his book. You'll hate it. It's all it's basically just one for one. As writers, when you watch this video about Cannibal Dicks, are you a little bit

jealous that you didn't get to write the copy for it? 100% yes. Yeah, same. I love that we haven't even mentioned it. So everybody at home is just like, what the fuck are they going to talk about? Is this like a snuff film from the 50s? Uh, this is... The Cannibal Dick video is another hour-long infomercial of just pure insanity, starring all the hallmarks of Dr. Leo Shub from Guerrilla Flow. He's got the generational trauma, he's got the hog crimes.

This is such a miracle. We found a second thing that was like... When we saw Guerrilla Flow, we were like, well well nothing's ever gonna be like this, but there is! He made like another thing that's just as crazy and racist only in new directions? We're so blessed is my point. This is everything a sequel should be. It builds on the first, but takes off in new directions so you never know quite what to expect. This one is called, it's for the product 2PT, and this time I'm going to do everyone a favor. I'm going to give you the title of the video so you can go look it up.

It's called The 2PT Secret for Stamina and Ferility at Any Age. Plug that into YouTube as of the time of this recording. There are 79 views. It's been up for a full year. It went up in March 7th, 2023. There's one comment, and it's just ad copy from the original poster. Nobody has seen this. You could be the 80th of you if you're listening to this right now.

And it's fucking incredible. It's again, it's everything Gorilla Flow was and its own thing. It's a perfect sequel. 2BT is it's it's dick based, of course. This is Dr. Leo, you know, we are going to you're going Dr. Leo. You know, you're gonna get crimes, you're gonna get trauma, you're gonna get a tragic backstory

and you're gonna get something about your dick. This time it's just straight up, get it, get it. It's just straight up, just a dick pill. It's just to help you get a boner and keep it. There's some dick related health issues. Some like it'll increase your health, your stamina, your pee stream, your prostate reduction, a little bit of everything.

It'll do everything. It's some, yeah, of course. Of the video, he's going to throw out several sides and oh, by the way, this tea also cures everything else. Every other possible thing and every other physical and mental issue you could have in your life, this tea will also fix it. Just he keeps just adding claims. It's great. That's because it all holds together. That's because the key to this video is the secret sex organ that stretches throughout your entire body. And if you if you fix that, you will obviously

fix your entire body. It all makes perfect sense. Before we get into the actual video itself, I did some digging on Dr. Leo more convinced that ever this is absolutely a real guy. More than that, I know where he works. He works at a what is it called? OccuMed therapy in in San Juan, Puerto Rico. He is so fucking crazy that we could email a human man. This isn't like a Bangladeshi click farm that made this.

This is a guy. And more than that, he is a legit doctor. He checked out his credentials. I checked out this place that he works, feeling like this must be a scam. No, it's all a legitimate medical enterprise. He has, further, a separate clinic where he just does like Botox and cosmetic

work there. And I can further verify that the guy you see in the stock footage that we're like, did they just put a name tag on him? No, it's actually him because you can see the signs to his office are in Spanish in the background if you watch when he's on screen. And you can even see some of the same equipment that they use the clinic features on their website in the videos with him. So he actually does. Did he hire an actor when he listened to Kwame P for a full minute or did they make that at a clip art?

There's an actual Kwame and he is every black man. He just shapeshifts across. No, I know the yeses. What this does mean though, is that he is filming, like he's hiring out for stock footage to match, like all the stock footage that he's going to use in these commercials, which is fucking crazy. Like I wouldn't, when we first found guerrilla flow, I would never predicted that would be the case. Okay.

For, for the love of God, those of you who have not listened to the podcast that we did on the Gorilla Flow video, some of what we're saying, well, that makes sense. You have to understand that was a, what was it? 47 minute long infomercial for a dick pill that this guy, this Dr. Leo Shub, came up with an elaborate, completely fake backstory that made him sound like the world's most racist man and also the most sexually insecure man. The reference there

to Kwame was he claimed his inspiration to try to find this pill, he said, from Africa, was because a black friend of his, he heard him urinating so hard that he listened outside the bathroom. That's what inspired him to go find this pill. And every time it referenced Kwame, they used a different stock video of a generic black man of various ages and facial hair and types. It was just, as Brockway said, it made it look like Kwame was a shapeshifter who could, or more specifically, like Dr. Shub could not remember what Kwame looked like. And so just swapping in from his all the videos on his phone. Occam's Razor says racism. Yeah. So this video, you said that it

is like a sequel and that it kind of builds on the previous one. This video would be 35% less insane if it did do that. Instead, while using his same name, same qualifications, same backstory, it is a completely contradictory story. They completely rewrite like the two videos cannot exist in the same universe. It assumes 100% that you have not seen the guerrilla flow, which he's still selling both of these products. Yeah, it's not a story continuation, but spiritually it does what a sequel should do, in that I think he learned some lessons from making Guerrilla Flow. And he took what worked about it, which was almost everything,

and he did that again, but then he built on it in crazy new ways for the 2PT video so that it doesn't come across as a rehash. It's a fresh thing, it's a little bit familiar, it's just... It's beautiful. It's the new Roadhouse. I do think it was smart that he focused on a boners. I think most men want boners. And the other one was just about a solid pee stream, which I think is very specialized desire.

Yeah, but he learned from that. He's like, hmm, people didn't love that it was just about pissing through a wall. Like it was just about defeating your enemies with the force of your laser-like piss stream. I guess I'm the only one that wants that. That's crazy. But people like boners, so let's try one about boners. One final little tidbit just before we move on. He writes a lot of pieces that are basically just fluff promotional pieces for these products

on Medium, and the profile pic he uses for that is Dr. Spaceman from 30 Rock. So. So excellent. So he knows something. He knows something. What a cute little wink. Can you imagine like, what if this guy's not crazy? Like this is just his idea of a funny joke. He's just thinking like, I have so much money

when I talk to him. Yeah, he's just too like, I have so much money, I'm going to talk to report. Yeah, he's just too invested in it that like lost all perspective. I feel like there's some production budget to this. It's all done with stock footage, but somebody has to cut this together and they do so wonderfully with like a distinct visual style. They use probably 10,000 clips per video. There was only one moment in this entire 50 minutes where I was like, I think this might be fake. We'll get to it.

But there's only one moment where I even doubted it for a second. So it's we'll get to the video now. It once again starts out with that same dire high tension five, four, three, two, one countdown. This time it opens with a distorted kidnapping voice, just using a voice modulator, telling you that if you're a man experiencing problems below the waist, then one former FBI doctor, known as the Doctor Other Doctors Call when they don't know what to do, may have the solution you've been searching for.

I don't know why that choice is, other than to set you on edge, like to build tension. He's hiding from the government. He was there to film a UFO documentary and he's like, oh, by the way, if you're having boner problems. But also that he's the FBI's top doctor is such a child's boast. Because if you're in a federal agency, you have the health insurance through the government, but you still just go see whatever doctor is in network.

They don't have their own special doctors. Why would they? Why would the FBI? I actually found the answer to that. That's real. It's real. It's just not in the way that he says. It's real like every Brockway fact that I open a podcast is real. It's real if you don't ask any questions. What he actually is, he's a doctor of occupational medicine. And one of the things they're certified to do is do field test evaluations to see if FBI agents, military police are fit to go back on duty. So that's how he's an FBI doctor is that he's not in the, it's

implied that he's like in the FBI building with fucking over there with Scully and the smoking man like doing, doing shit on aliens. No, he's at his own practice and like the FBI will send somebody to him and be like, is this guy's knee working? And he'll be like, yes. Yeah, he specifically phrases it like he's the doctor house of the FBI. He calls himself a top FBI surgeon. That's what he calls himself. If they have a mysterious ailment that someone like,

say somebody is in the X-Files division and they get infected by some sort of alien parasite, this is the guy they go to. That weird Cuba shit, that's him. That's right guy they go to. That weird Cuba shit? That's him. You go to him, he fixed it. He invented Havana syndrome. It's funny that you said-

He invented and solved it. It's how a child boasts. Cause in my notes, I literally have word for word, this is how you brag about a dad you're making up to other fourth graders. Like we had the exact same thought. It is, but then it's also real. And he just was like, I can get away with it.

I can get away with twisting it like that. And I guess he did, because I would never have assumed that was based in any level of reality. And to find out this is a real guy with a with a medical license that is surely at risk if anybody finds these videos. Right. It's absolutely. He took something that's real and made it sound stupid. Like if he says, I'm a doctor and I've worked with the FBI for X number of years,

you're like, well, that's a legit credit. But to say I'm the top former FBI doctor who other doctors call when they don't know what to do. It's like, OK, you're making shit up. You sound like an idiot. He also says he's a Pepsi doctor, which again, like he does field tests, not just for like for cops and stuff, but but like, if you are hurt on the job and they need to assess to see if like, your Pepsi delivery man can go back to work.

And he's like, I am the Pepsi doctor. That's not what that means. Here at the top, we should talk about the clip art because the video stock footage is such an assault on your senses that by this point, we have seen like the same cup of boiling peas several times. And like the same the same boner footage. What is it? A hundred times? Like there's every five minutes of a boner. There's two different animations of a boner that they will play in reverse sometimes to show a penis going flex it where they've just reversed the video of the boner. There's two different animations of a boner that they will play in reverse

sometimes to show a penis going flex it where they've just reversed the video of the boner. And then they've got a second version where there's like an x-ray vision of it and they will flip them. They will mirror them sometimes. All told, they will show an animation of a boner 41 times in the course of the video. You counted? And in the first two minutes, it's, yes. I have it in my notes, I bet Jason will count. It's six times in the first two minutes.

So as you say, like every 20 seconds, there's an animation of a penis. So as the listeners are listening to this podcast, I want you to get the full experience. You need to imagine that every 30 seconds, there's a little crude CGI, mountain monster style animation of an erection. Of a man like frozen in T-pose spinning around, while only his boner points up to God.

Just in defiance, perhaps. I hope they picture that during the podcast anyway, just every episode. Yeah, I mean, you can picture us doing that. That's probably pretty accurate. I do have a standing desk. So they go on to warn us that Dr. Leo Shub, especially if his patients, you know, aren't really getting the message, he'll use the foul language. He'll swear. So you better be careful.

What that really means is that medically they will only ever call the penis a dick. And it's so funny every time it's your dick and he hits that hard K and just sells it it's so good he's swearing for the first time he's like a child swearing where he's like I'm allowed to say dick dick just until it's lost all meaning to the point where you kind of want to stop him and say like you know there are medical terms for these things right like they they should have told you this in doctor school, FBI doctor school.

They only call it dick in the FBI. Let's set the stage for that with a clip. I'm Dr. Len L. Shub. And thanks to a recent breakthrough in nanotechnology, we now know that hidden deep inside the male body is a secret sex organ that controls your dick. Now, is that him? Did he voice this?

See, I would say that absolutely no way, but fucking I've been wrong on every account. So maybe that could be him. Like, is he gonna, is it more unlikely that he would hire somebody? I don't know. Also the breakthrough in nanotechnology, that's not going to come back into play. He threw that out and he completely forgets about that. Yeah. He might mention it again later in the video, but they never explain it. It's like as if they think they're talking to children. They're like,

you know, recent breakthrough in nanotechnology. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what does that mean? I think it's implied that this secret sex organ is only detectable by like boner microbots. Yeah. And it controls all of humanity. And it goes on to say, including how good sex feels, and on top of that, if you were to stretch it to its full length,

it would wrap around the earth two and a half times. Right, It makes your partner cum. It's 50,000 miles long. And we just now found it with the use of tiny robots. With the use of tiny robots. That's the first 30 seconds. Yes. He's like, it controls how hard it gets, how not hard it gets, how erect it gets, how semi-hard it gets. He rephrases just the state of its hardness, what 11, 12 times. It's so fucking funny. He promises in no uncertain terms, no matter what issues are affecting your marriage, it's dick based and my magical dick pills are going to fix that. Like there are no such thing

as marital issues that aren't about your dick. And like they cut the stock footage of an old man like bolting upright and charging to his computer like, holy shit, you're right. Also, when they keep talking about the secret sex organ they discovered, they show pictures of teeth, like a bloody mouth like video clip. Like, did they find this by someone biting it out of someone?

I don't understand why they keep showing this dental accident. I'll tell you exactly what that is. It's a medical picture of tonsil stones. Of just tonsil stones. And it's even an arrow pointing to a tonsil stone. Okay. I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to be.

I thought someone maybe went to the dentist and said, Doc, I have 50,000 miles of thing in my teeth. I know it's not a prostate or a brain. It should be a penis because that's where I bit, but it's not. Doc, what could it be? Have we made some sort of powerful scientific discovery? This, that constant shot of the- I got to call the FBI doctor, but be careful.

This motherfucker tells it like it is about DEX. They're gonna show, every time they say the phrase, secret sex organ, they're gonna cut to that shot of the tonsil stones. And that is part of what makes this video less like, if this was just a corny infomercial, we would not have bothered with it.

It becomes a piece of weird experimental art because that's clearly an image where he was sifting through all of his pictures or video clips. It's just something that's really upsetting and weird and eye-catching. You're like, well, what is that? And it's that same thing they used to do with the chum box links at the end of articles

for a while that we make fun of on 1900 hot dog wear. They would just cycle. They'd have some meaningless photo and it'd be like, this diet secret melts fat away. But then the photo would be of, I don't know, like an eyeball. It would also be like always, it's always like an obscure celebrity. But it was just automated. They would just switch through photos and whatever got the highest click through, that's what they used. It was never, it had no connection to the text. It was just a pure AB testing thing and they had a whole, so it's like he

grabbed a photo from one of those sets as this has really high click through. But it just becomes part of this swirl of madness because it's just an assault. Every five seconds the image on the screen changes while this guy goes on this 50 minute long increasingly unhinged explanation of what should be a fairly straightforward topic. I've got this tea, it's known as an aphrodisiac, it gives you boners. That could be a 10 second advertisement. It could be one banner image. This guy is going to stretch that so far past the event horizon of sanity that you're never the same after watching this. It's going to wrap around the earth two and a half times.

That is so unnecessary. It's wildly unnecessary. It's it's wildly. It doesn't come up like they say that it's two cells. They're like, this thing is only two cells big. It's like, well, who could who could stretch that across 50,000 miles? How why would you describe something that's two cells big as 50,000 miles long? Who is it to like try to make you feel like, oh, and that's connected to my dick. So that means my dick is really twice around the earth and in Romania right now.

That makes me feel good. Like, I don't know what the. And you're welcome, Romania. I'll tell you when it kicks off and goes completely mad. And it's just a couple of minutes into the video when you're settling in like, OK, this is a blitz, but I can take it. And then and then he pulls out his trump card which I'll just let him say it.

Well, listen up because in the next few minutes not only will I reveal what this organ is, where it's located and most importantly how to flip the switch and turn it back on and how the oldest men of an ancient tribe of cannibals stumbled onto this switch over 500 years ago and used it to satisfy four to five wives a piece, which is exactly how the tribe survived total annihilation by a Portuguese invasion. So they ate 80% of the men and fucked. That's how they survived. Fucking awesome. That's how they survived. Fucking awesome. Imagine just fucking, imagine if there was anybody involved in this script approval process

and imagine bringing that out like two minutes in like, that was on board with this up until the uh, where, let me see my notes here, let me get my reading glasses. Oh, all right, the ancient cannibals that survived a special annihilation by fucking? So good. Is that what you're saying? that survives a special annihilation by fucking? Is that what you're saying? There are so many turns in that one sentence and there's so much in the first three minutes

of this video, it legitimately deserves to be recognized by someone. It can't just be us watching it. This is an amazing piece of writing. It's incredible. And the stock footage isn't letting it down either, because once again, it's just it's marketed exclusively to old white men who do who don't have the glasses on because like when he says ancient cannibal tribesman, it cuts to like a caveman wandering off into the misty primordial forests. And then when he brings them up again, it's the Messiah Warriors dancing,

like the most famously African thing you can cut to. He's like, this South American tribe just doesn't give a shit. It's incredible. He goes on to say that the, once again, this is a hallmark we're learning of Leo Shub, that once again, the established medical industry, and he knows because he's part of it,

is enacting a massive global conspiracy to keep your dick soft. And only this FBI surgeon is brave enough to expose that conspiracy, not your dick. Also your dick! Turn your wet noodle into a jackhammer, as he puts it. Medically, medically puts it. Right, so he says that like the medical industry ignores the two root causes, which are the secret sex organ and did he get to the second one? I feel like in my notes, I have just like a question mark where it's like, did he say what the other root cause is?

No, that's part of the blitz is that he'll just start saying like, I've got five things to tell you. Okay. The government is making your dick soft and then he'll move right on like what was the other thing? He doesn't write times. He just went off to the house Harvard has been studying it for months Which I thought was a very funny amount of time and then he said with a microscope So again, like this guy's idea of science is this guy has a microscope you guys also we're talking real science one of the one of the researches at a stethoscope, which I think should come in real handy

when you're like studying a two cell size secret sex organ. Maybe it's very talkative. As they pull it across the earth, it screams. And that screams are very important to hear. But first, Dr. Leo says, you're wondering, who the hell am I? And then he goes on to be like, well, pay attention, idiot, I already told you. Well, like I said before, I'm Dr. Laneal Shub. And this again, this footage is actually of him because the footage of him because he's

he's brave enough to put his face out there, even though the FBI is surely going to want their own doctor dead for betraying their dick secrets. I'm assuming that's where he got this. The nanobots, at least, were certainly an FBI misappropriation. Leo promises he's an ER doctor, which he was. He actually was. He was dealing with exploding dicks down there in the trenches. He's always going to deliver the truth for you because he is, he proudly protected the men of the FBI and he will proudly protect America against the soft dick tyranny.

I bet Leo Shub is who you call when you wanna deny somebody's workman's comp. Like when the FBI guy says, hey, I fell down doing some FBI stuff and Leo's like, no, he's faking it. Like that, I have a feeling that's why he's the FBI doctor I think it's the other way because I want to have faith in him I think if you want to fake like a workman's cop injury you go you go to dr. Leo and you give him a real big visible wink yeah I got you both agree he's corrupt I just I think we're disagree oh absolutely way he's corrupt like I am certain these videos

are a crime, right? This is going to get you de-licensed. You can't say this. He's going to tell like 350 lies in this video. Many of them are actual crimes that he commits. I mean, in Guerrilla Flow, if you haven't listened to Guerrilla Flow, listen to Guerrilla Flow.

But in Guerrilla Flow, he basically implies he was gonna shoot his father in the back of the head at one point. He's a doctor. This is my, imagine going to that. I would go to him, but I can't imagine anybody else would. That guy didn't tell him he loved him until he was in his 40s though. Like come on.

He's fucked up. He throws everyone in his life under the bus. All of his fellow physicians, all of the medicine industry, his wife over and over again. All the people who watched that movie with him in the Gorilla Flow ad where they all started taunting him because they detected that he had urinated on himself. It's the world who is wrong. Let's get to the first time Dr. Leo throws his wife under the bus here.

This is Dr. Leo's insane tragic backstory. There always has to be one because that's what sells dick pills, I guess? Is the lesson? Now look, I could tell you my whole sob story of how sex with my wife was becoming more and more embarrassing and less and less frequent, or how my wife was spending more and more time at the office with her young, attractive boss, spending more and more late nights out with her girlfriends catching up, and the realization that my sex life was on life support, not to mention my marriage, and how all of that eventually drove me to do something insane and frankly dangerous that could have burnt my entire family to a crisp. More on that in a moment.

More on that in a moment. More on that. So again, I realize listeners, what he says comes so hard and so fast that it's very difficult to process it. So one assumes immediately implies that his wife is banging her boss, which again is also throwing the boss under the bus because that would be incredibly inappropriate on his end, but also implies she's having sex with her girlfriends. If not, what was that supposed to imply? She's spending more and more nights

with her girlfriends, sarcasm quotes, catching up. I took it to mean that could have just been the cover story that she was fucking the boss on those nights and the girls were the cover story. But again. See, it shows them sultrally dancing together. Like the stock footage is a bunch of women like really getting down. That's why I think Jason's right.

Like he's like, it's a good my slut wife because my dick magic is not strong enough. It has it has unleashed her. She's just looking everywhere for love. I feel like this guy is I feel like there's a type of guy who says something like, well, now I could tell you my whole sob story, but, and then he proceeds to tell you his whole sob story. Because he's going to do that. He's not going to leave out a single detail of his sob story. There's a certain type of guy that's like, well, I won't bore you with all the details. But, and then he's, he talks for 47 uninterrupted minutes.

That's this guy. And he talks like this too, without, without a break. And it's just uninterrupted madness. He has every mental problem all at the same time. He's not the kind of guy to complain, but it's been a rough week. Haven't been getting enough sleep. Back's kind of hurting. Let's start with the mountain gorilla.

Wait. So all along, also accompanied by this at the end, when he hints at burning his family to a crisp, there's like firemen fighting a raging blaze like he exploded his house with like a meth lab for dicks in the basement. It's the highest drama you could possibly achieve. And again, because of a dick conspiracy going all the way to the top, only Dr. Leo can fix it. But first we need like a real concrete villain as every story does. And the villain of this one is a chemical. It's called PDE5 or should I call it the vampire enzyme?

First you need to know about a nasty little enzyme in your body called PDE5. PDE5 is so nasty, in fact, that I call it the vampire enzyme. Why? Well, because just like a vampire, it sucks the blood out of your dick. Bottom line, PDE5 is your erection's worst enemy. To make matters even worse, as we get older, our bodies produce more and more PDE5, which is why you probably didn't have erection troubles when you were young.

But what does this have to do with the little blue pills? Big drug companies figured this out and decided to slap together some synthetic chemicals to block PDE5, which is exactly what the little blue pill does. It blocks the vampire enzyme from sucking the blood out of your dick which in theory sounds great Unfortunately blocking the vampire enzyme can come with some very serious side effects with me so far now Here's the plot twist it turns out PDE 5 has a valiant twin brother Your dick's greatest ally in the battle to maintain strong erections. It's called CGMP. So if PDE5 drains the blood from your dick, CGMP is what's pumping it. In other words, PDE5 and CGMP are in direct competition.

So from a biological perspective, PDE5 and CGMP hate each other. After all, the only way PDE5 can shrink your dick is by killing CGMP hate each other. The only way PDE five can shrink your dick is by killing CGMP. If it helps, you can think of CGMP as Van Helsing, the vampire hunter, and PDE five as Dracula. They are in a never ending war with each other. It is Brockway's job to find the little sound clips to use for this show. I have, where was he knew where to stop without just getting the entire video.

That's a nonstop assault. I know these are long clips, but god damn it. There are no pauses. It's just relentless. My notes for this are like 40,000 words. I think I just transcribed the entire video. But I just want, I want to make an important point. Has this guy never got his dick sucked by a vampire?

It is so alluring. The complete opposite of what he's talking about. Because just like a vampire, it sucks the blood out of your dick. Imagine, okay, hold on. Imagine this isn't an infomercial because he is, again, he is an actual doctor. Imagine going to your doctor with erectile dysfunction

and he looks at you straight in the eye and says, you've got the vampire virus, it's sucking blood out of your dick, but don't worry, I know the Van Helsing of dick chemicals. I would thank him for explaining it in a way I could understand, absolutely. I would leave a tip on the medical bill. I would never go to another doctor in my life.

This is my guy. Finally medicine makes sense. And so what I love is his plan was he would like looked at how the little blue pill worked. He never says the word Viagra, but he's like, it takes the stuff that gives you the boner and then he takes out the stuff that gives you a heart attack. It's fucking crazy no one thought of this before.

But that's the kind of inspiration you get when you're trying to save your family, when your wife is fucking your boss, you're burning the house down. He's gonna say multiple times that the little blue pill that Viagra will give you a heart attack or make you go blind. Yeah. Again, this is, this is where it becomes, yeah, this is where it becomes legally

questionable, uh, cause he's straight up telling people these pills are dangerous. Don't take them. Take this tea instead. I mean, it becomes legally questionable because I have to assume this is poison, like the tea is some kind of poison, just based on every word that he's ever said, and like his clear morals. Okay, so the whole time he's talking about the vampire war,

he's talking about the plot of Blade going on inside your dick, and there's CGMP. Remember, if it helps, CGMP is the blade, the blade of your dick and there's there's CGMP. Remember if it helps CGMP is the blade, the blade of your dick and PDE5 is like the Stephen Dorff of your dick. So that makes if that's gonna really bring that one home. The whole time he's talking about that there's just ominous stock footage of like backlit viruses whipping out Cthulhu tentacles pulsing redly in a black void and there's old, there's a man in like an old fashioned coat stalking along a beach about to get into like a big fight

with a blood red rave of maybe people, maybe dick viruses. It's so awesome. God, it's such art to do this with just stock footage is, we need to find this editor who made this. From boners to here and like, it's only been what? 10 minutes, which again, it's very long for for a for a boner tea ad to begin with, but very short for what he's achieved. So his strategy, his strategy, he determines that like, okay, it harms you if you block PDE5. But nobody's ever thought of this before. what about making your body produce, in his

words, more dick-pumping CGMP? So he wants to mass produce, he wants to mass produce Cochvann Helsing's to battle your dong Dracula's, if it helps, if it helps you picture it. Thank you, it does. He explains that all of this is done by augmenting your secret sex organ, which is called the endothelium, which Leo explains, you can think of it as your dick's heart. Now if you Google endothelium, because he claims that doctors had never heard of it until advances in molecular microscopes just months ago allowed them to discover it for the first time. It's just the layer of blood vessels under the skin. It's

very common. It's part of your vascular system. It's incredible. Yeah, it is not. I can't find anyone else referring to it as your dick's heart. If you Google your dick's heart, you get different results. I did start Googling around this time because he used the quote, endothelial function was impaired. And that exact wording appeared in 21 articles. And I thought that was just crazy that some of this is kind of based in real life, which at this point, why bother?

Like we're so deep into this vampire metaphor for a tea that is completely fabricated. Like, why try? Like it came from real places, the International Journal of Impotence Research. When I was like, he made that up, but he didn't. It's a real place. Every time he references a journal article, it's real. I checked.

And also with the stuff that he's going to come up later about the cannibals, it's like 80% true. The blend of truth and complete insanity in this video is nuts. It's unique because he did a lot of research and he's clearly very knowledgeable. He's a medical professional, but he did not, it's not using that knowledge to frame everything in a way that would fool a knowledgeable person. What he's saying is clearly nuts and he portrays himself as a madman. It's very fascinating the way real knowledge enters into this. I know, it's way crazier than if he just made it all up, which is what I was always

assumed but the more you dig into it, like, could this be medically sound? There's no way. Well, he says that he looked around for natural ingredients because he's like, nothing does anything for the endothelium. He needs to find something that does something. So I looked this up and the naturopathic consensus is that vitamin C and E help your endothelium,

which you might've heard of. Those are, you can get those at the store. Like, I don't know what he was googling. Which savage society was on the brink of destruction that gave us the long lost secret of vitamin C? Who could say? Was it Atlantis? It was the Atlanteans, wasn't it?

They sunk to the bottom of the ocean and their secrets went with them. Vitamin C? Kwame had a scuba kit and he and Kwame went down. He came from a tribe in Africa that holds their breath very long. And so Kwame was able to get the secrets from the sunken city of Atlantis. He could blast through the ocean using only the force of his urine like a jet. It was incredible. It's majestic to watch. So now we know the problem and and he knows the problem, and he knows, ideally, theoretically,

what the solution would be. Make an army of Dick Van Helsing's, obviously. But how? How do you do that? And if you know the Gorilla Flow video, you'll know this is the point where he has to fall into utter suicidal despair and resort to complete crimes and racism to find a cure. So he's going to hit rock bottom here, which to him means a very distinct thing.

Do you have a clip of this? Cause I really like this part of the video. I do, I'm doing it. Night after night, I found myself with a whiskey in one hand and a remote control in the other, watching nature specials and history documentaries. Until one night, one of those documentaries changed everything.

It was about an ancient indigenous tribe called the Tupi Indians. history documentaries. Until one night, one of those documentaries changed everything. It was about an ancient indigenous tribe called the Tupi Indians, apparently some of the most brutal ruthless natives in history. In fact, many of them were ferocious cannibals, eating the bodies of any rival tribe that threatened their dominion, which was long and vast. Until the year 1501, when the Portuguese landed on their shore and used their superior firepower and technology to wipe out an entire generation of young Tupi warriors, leaving only the women and elderly men

of the tribe alive. As a result, in order to prevent the tribe's extinction, the surviving elders had to take three, four, or even five wives apiece. But here's where things got downright fascinating. Not only did these old Toopey men, many of whom were in their 70s or even 80s, take four or five wives apiece, but according to legend, those wives were deeply satisfied. On top of that, a relatively small group of old men were able to impregnate an entire generation of young Toopey women, which is exactly why the Tupi tribe is alive and well today. I couldn't believe what I was watching. Every other native tribe who

suffered a similar invasion, like the Incas and Aztecs, had been completely wiped out. As in, they don't exist today. So how did the Tupis flourish? More importantly, how were men who were 20 or even 30 years older than me able to satisfy five wives apiece? I had to know more. So I dug deeper and got my hands on every book, study, and report about the tuppies I could find, and over several weeks consumed every last ounce of information about these incredible people, like how the elder men didn't have a single recorded instance of

suffering from enlarged prostates. In fact, the Toopey elders were famous for sleeping deeply through the night, unless of course they were woken up by one of their pretty young wives. So we get to spend the next four hours unpacking that. Here's the thing, the Toopey people were real. It's not like the, I think that we decided to try that he came up with in the guerrilla flow video was completely fake. The Tupi are real. They did used to dominate large chunks of South America. They were wiped out by the Portuguese, not because of their superior firepower, but rather because of diseases they brought over. That's how most of this, the genocides happened.

This is gonna shock you. I can find no evidence that they survived because the 80-year-old men were able to bang several, like four or five super hot young wives and left them all deeply satisfied. Instead, it was actually the Portuguese who took multiple wives and they kind of have interbred over time. So the actual story is very tragic. The fact that he took that story and spiced it up a little to make it all about his own hog is

fascinating and something that I'm sure his employers wish they knew and I kind of think it's weird that they don't have an issue with this. Yeah, this is, I think by most measures of genocide, let's assume Portuguese did not steal the women and breed with him. Like, it's still a lot of devastated families doing what they have to do to survive. And he's turned it for whatever reason into this erotic tournament of dick champions. Like this is a desperate people devastated

by disease and warfare. Millions died, millions. And his takeaway is, but how were those old men banging so many hot young babes? So many young babes. So many, you're telling me. This is his sex fantasy and it is. This is actually absolutely him showing his ass in terms of, you know, he,

I'm not saying he has cranked his own hog to the thought of being an elderly toopy man with a harem of young babes, but I'm also not saying he hasn't done that. The only reason he hasn't is because his dick doesn't work for shit. So you guys, you guys don't. All right. You guys don't think the solution to all modern dick trouble is found like scattered through time in a cannibal apocalypse

after colonizers wipe out an entire race. And it was up to like, well like a brave tribe of elderly dick sorcerers to fuck their way out of oblivion. You don't think that's right. You don't think that's correct history. I think he scoured these books because he didn't find anything about enlarged prostates and they would have written about that.

They also slept through the night, which means that they didn't have to go pee like he does all the time. And recorded it for history. Right, they didn't put that in there. He did find that toopy sex technique called the breath of scorching fire. But I googled this and this exists only

in obviously fake product reviews for this supplement. So that's interesting. We'll get to that. I got that clip next. I just don't want to skip over my favorite little moment in the stock footage. Perhaps of this whole video is when he says, in the year 1501, it cuts to stock art of like a surrealist clock unwinding in a void, like we're being thrown through time.

Right, like we're traveling there. It's a fucking Doctor Who background. Join me and my time machine. Let's watch these old fellas fuck their granddaughters. It's... It's these young widows, sure love dick. It's such art. It's such a tiny moment and you're just like, wait a minute, hold on, what are we doing here? Are we being thrown back in time now? I like that he says every other tribe in history that's been colonized has gone extinct.

No, they haven't. And only the two of you are thriving today, they aren't. And they did that by fighting back against annihilation with their old, old cocks by by like five or six old guys fucking an entire generation of women is the most insane sexual fantasy I have ever heard. But he if he had just made up a fictional tribe, that would be way less gross than this is, instead of referencing a real genocide and making that his hog fantasy. Well, he made them up in guerrilla flow.

So now he's like, people didn't like the inauthenticity of that. What they wanted was a real tragedy that I could tie their dicks to. Did they? I could staple their dicks to. This is a real question. Do they eat their enemies? Because I don't know a lot about the Toopey tribe, but I do know they ceremonially ate their elders. I thought it was a nice thing when they ate people. No, they were famously cannibals, and they had a ceremonial thing where they thought they would, they thought they were absorbing the essence of whoever they ate. So they would, they would in battle,

they would capture like the mightiest warriors. And the idea was by eating them, they would absorb their mighty energy or whatever. It's been a source of some controversy because some people came along and said, no, that's racist to suggest they were cannibal savages. But other equally well-meaning people said, well, no, actually, this was a key part of their culture. You can't just ignore that because we don't like it now. And then Dr. Leo, who was not as well-educated, came along and said, they did it to absorb their enemy's dick energy. I see. I understand. At this point, I feel like some listeners- Can you imagine if that's what he discovered? If he's like, I figured out why they had such great boners.

They ate people. So I've made two. He's so- Okay, hold on. He says so close to that. He says so close to that in the techniques. Let's get to the techniques that he learned from the Toopey people. I also learned about their bizarre mating rituals.

One of these rituals was an odd breathing technique called breath of scorching fire. That according to historical records, the Toopey elders used to energize their genitalia before mating and I had to ask the question if these Tupi techniques helped 80 year olds satisfy multiple women could they work for me so one night I sat cross-legged in my garage and performed the breath of scorching fire right before bed and woke up two hours later next to my tools. Needless to say, they were the only tools

in my garage that worked. As my desperation increased, I tried switching to a special toopy diet inspired by their cannibalistic ways. No, I didn't eat human flesh, but I did eat practically raw red meat for a week. And guess what happened? It didn't work either. In fact, my wife was absolutely repelled by my bloody breath then after even deeper research into the toopy

I finally found the answer I was searching for going long sex the toopy men would light a fire and chant a special Prayer to the heavens as they stomped and danced and pounded the ground like banshees so one night I did just that. I have to admit, never in a million years did I think I'd ever try something so crazy, let alone dangerous. I'd like to reiterate that I am a man of science. But, hell, desperate times call for desperate measures. So as I stomped around my makeshift backyard fire

and called out, beam yasatumba tupi, beam yasatumba tupi. I glanced up and saw my wife peering down at me through the window. Needless to say, she did not look turned on. And suddenly, I realized just how pathetic I had become. I immediately grabbed all of the books I had about the tupis, dragged them to the fire, and proceeded to chuck them into the flames. I was done with the stupid Toopy tribe and their stupid Toopy tricks. Done with trying to fix my broken sex life, and done with trying to fix my broken marriage. The next morning, I woke up to

an empty bed and a handwritten note from my wife. Thanks for almost burning down the fucking house. almost burning down the fucking house. I feel like at this point, as I started to say, I feel like at some point the listeners are a little confused because if you know the basics of advertising, you usually have a very simple hook. Like keep it simple. This is always a thing. You know, you've got a slogan, you've got a single selling point. Something's very memorable. You've got a logo, you've got a single selling point, something's very memorable,

you've got a logo, you're trying to create a mystique. So as people, we are now, I don't know how many minutes into the video, we're a third of the way through my notes, I'll say that. I think a lot of listeners are asking, why is any of this in there? Who is this for? Good point, listeners. Who is this for? Good point, listeners. Who is this for? Good point, listener. I think it's for us. I love it. This is my favorite video I've ever watched. So let's retrace the timeline real quick,

because that was so much. That was a blitz on your senses. You don't even speak English after listening to that for the first time. It knocks out your speech centers. So he fucked up an ancient breathing technique so bad, he knocked himself out for two hours, which will cause brain damage. I'm sure Only to wake up and find his dick worked worse than before

He tried switching to a fucking cannibal diet and I says no he says cutely No, I didn't but then they cut the stock footage of a butcher like ripping the spine out of something. You're like, yeah Yeah, he did his wife didn't want to make out with his bloody teeth out of something you're like yeah yeah he did his wife didn't want to make out with his bloody teeth so he did an ancient tribal war dance to go to battle with her vagina she saw it and was like oh fuck what is he gonna try to do to me out there by the fire and did not like it and decided to to leave he was gonna kill her so that that's fair he he condemned the toopy for having their religious beliefs and not carrying his dick, and then woke up and only to find his wife had gone to a halfway house for the spouses of

dick criminals, I'm guessing? At the very least. I mean, he's officially a wizard at this point. I feel like we're also- He chanted the magic words. He yelled magic words. I forgot that. He's given up on everything a few times. He's completely given up on sex. I think for the third time at this point, and will continue. There's several more complete surrenders to olympic fate. It's part of the sales pitch is to find bleakness in oblivion.

Like just. This guy who was a man of science, who has read, he says every book written on the Toopey he's read, he knows everything about their culture, everything that was lost in that brutal, horrible genocide where basically the four horsemen of the apocalypse wiped them out. And because their mass death did not fix his hog softness said, I was done with the stupid toopy tribe and their stupid toopy tricks. I yelled the magic words. It didn't even work.

Like this is a Bruce Campbell bit. And then his wife, who he invented for this video in his, again, this is the way people behave in his universe, left him after she saw him dancing around a fire, left him a sarcastic note saying, what was the exact phrasing? Thanks for almost burning down the fucking house. Making her look like a woman you would not want to have sex with, even if your dick worked great. But she's only like that because his dick doesn't work. That's the problem with all women That's all women's only problem he finds pages that survived like he goes through the wreckage of the fire and he finds a

few burnt pages and that's where he sees a picture of a toopy elder drinking from a wooden cup and right next to that a recipe For a dick potion called Thunderbed. This feels like a really important thing to have overlooked during his research. Why did you try eating people first? Why did you try cannibalism and fire spells first? I'm saying, I'm flipping through this Toopy book like, ah, does anything for my dick? Oh, they're fucking, they're stupid religious ceremonies. Oh, this sucks. This

sucks. What's this? A guy drinking a dick potion? No, nothing here for my dick. But this is, okay, listeners, if this is your first episode of The Dogs When You've Ever Listened To, you must understand the magic of Sean and Brockway's library of cursed media, mostly Sean's, his seems to be more cursed. Brockway don't mean anything. He seems to have the more cursed library of the two of you. Is that you have a vast array of artists who have tried to create one thing and then accidentally let their personality slip out because they're so bad, they missed the mark so badly that it accidentally revealed something fascinating. In this video, you will not learn anything about how to heal your Dong Softness. You will learn a lot about Dr. Leo Shupp. Especially coupling it with guerrilla flow and mapping where they're the same.

Why is it so important to you that the white man has to steal this exotic super ingredient from an ancient tribe? Why is that the thing that you keep carrying over and you're like, this is it, this is what's going to sell pills for your dick, is stealing the secret from ancient tribes. In the last video, it was implied that the key ingredient was a food source for a group of endangered gorillas, and that you had to buy his dick pills, his urine flow pills now,

because those gorillas are going to be extinct because we're stealing all of their berries. Like he made that part of his own mythology. He could have made anything up and it's like, well, yeah, but these things going extinct at a rapid rate because we're over there stealing their food as fast as we can. He uses that exact tactic again here later and builds on it. And it's just, why is that part? Why is it, it's all part.

This is such a specific crazy fantasy that no other human being has ever shared and it's so special that he keeps trying to do it i hope he never ever stops so i want to talk about the secret potion recipe he found because he does talk about the things in there the first one was called ternara defusa because he's like nobody's ever heard of this shit uh it's a boner leaf that he found. And when I Googled that it's been used for thousands of years as an aphrodisiac and a post ejaculatory downtime reducer. You get it when you Google erectile dysfunction, which I didn't

know until this podcast. It was so to tell me how famous this was, it used to be in Coca-Cola, the version of it before it went mainstream, back when it had cocaine, it was like, there was like an alcoholic version where it was called like Cola wine or something like that. It was-

Coca-Cola was tribal dick sorcery? Yeah. But that's how well-known this is. Like if you go and buy a boner herb tea from anywhere, it's probably got this in it. The next one is called Maranta, which he calls the potency wood and it's used to treat urinary infections, which we Leo thinks is closely linked to the boner. We know this from the gorilla flow, of course, strong peace streams, very erotic for a marriage. He quotes a study here from Dr. Jacques Weinberg, where he gave 262 men this supplement.

And I couldn't find consistent evidence of this study outside of some very, very questionable holistic pills websites. So I think someone at one point in history made this up to sell herbal boner pills. And Leo Shub and people like him have been quoting those things as if they're medical journals. So I don't know.

I guess this is like people playing telephone with something somebody made up 50 years ago. So I don't know. We're all going to die, is my point. You can see how humans are all going to die soon. All of these ingredients show up in herbal boner pills because again, in real life, Dr. Shub did not come up with this formula.

I'm guessing you can just buy from wholesalers, you can buy these ground up herbs and powders and then you just slap whatever label on it you want. And then he's had to make up, you know, he's had to retcon a whole lore and backstory for it. Yes. I mean, you pay for the storytelling, you pay for the extinction of the noble mountain gorilla. Like, you know, you're

getting the same shit you can get for half the price, but Marua Pauama is actually called potency wood. As you'll notice, that's not what Leo Shub thinks is called potency wood. So he got his shit, he got his notes all mixed up. The next one he brings up is called Tribulus terrestris, which is a plant not native to South America. So the Toopey would not have even had access to this until long after the old world had invaded

and killed everybody. So I'm not saying he's lying, I'm just saying that this is not part of the original boner potion that the old Toopey men used to plow their wives in 1501. He says this sentence, I just wanna get this sentence in there because it's one of my favorite quotes. I was in shock. Had the Toopey tribe stumbled upon an endothelium-enhancing, dick-pumping tea over 500 years ago? Or were these cannibalistic pagans several hundred years ahead of their time?

Just, he says the same thing twice. It's utterly meaningless. That's not how a question works when you present two options and then you just rephrase the same one. It's so beautiful. He mentions one study that he says, some guys took this thing for 60 days

and saw a 78.1% improvement in their sexual health, which is incredibly specific. I mean, if you ask me about my sexual health, I can give it to you in my decimal point with just 10 minutes with a cantaloupe, because that's just like the kind of thing I get into. But see, for the listeners, what you need to do, listen, you need to get a poet,

you measure the cantaloupe's shame and divide it by your dick size. In metric, you want meters, not feet. And that is how you get the precise sexual health measurement. He goes on presumably a world hopping Indiana Jones style adventure to find all of the ancient dick ingredients,

the holy dick grail. And it gets it just in time because his wife was scheduled for a three day quote unquote work weekend with her buff young boss in Pincoon. Going on a fuck vacation with her boss. And so we've got a ticking clock now. He's got to discover the endothelium. Not even lying to him about it. And the way he phrases his Indiana Jones adventure comes down to quote, bottom line, getting

my hands on these ingredients was a pain in the ass. So, so now we're at like, we're at the midpoint climax. Everything's going wrong. His wife's gonna go fly to Cancun to fuck her boss. His dick still doesn't work. Everything looks bleak-ous. Let's go to the clip. Hours later, when my wife finally got home, I still felt dead as a doornail below the waist. So the next day, I increased the dose and guzzled down even more of the tea. Still nothing.

Dead. At this point, it began to dawn on me that I had wasted months of my life and several thousand dollars on a stupid, toopy pipe dream. But on the third day, I felt something strange. Something I hadn't felt in a long time. A faint tingling or more like a buzzing sensation in my pants, like my little friend was waking up after a very long sleep. So amazing.

All jokes aside, listeners, if you ever feel your hog start to buzz, call a doctor. Those are dick bees. That is not a marriage issue. That has nothing to do with desire or your manhood. That is not normal. Any kind of genital vibration generally is not normal. You call a beekeeper, keep a secret. That's who you call. You got a Van Helsing seizure is what you call that.

It's very dangerous. He explains that his dick died along the way, but just like Jesus it rose after three days. And he just in time, this is the time for his wife to come back. So he's sleeping beauty to stick out of its magical coma. He realized he's pathetic again. This is like the fifth time he's realized he's pathetic again. This is like the fifth time that he's realized he's pathetic. And he is blamed specifically this ancient group of people for believing in anything, just anything. These fucking assholes.

They put their dick potion on the page that no one looks at in their book of history. Fucking dumbasses. They put it after the fire ritual? You fucking assholes. Yeah. They put it after the fire ritual? You fucking assholes. What I think was really funny around this is that like we're talking about the secret sex organ the whole movie. And now here he talks about how like he googled one of these plants that they mentioned and it links to the endothelium. The endothelium! The endothelium! Like that's the secret sex organ, but it's only secret to fucking him. It's just he's just now googling this. Thousands of people have studied this thing and he's like, wow, I found this secret sex organ.

It's like, no, dude, it's like finding, I found a secret location. It's called Missouri. If you stretched it out across your dick, it would span the circumference four times. My wife left me, help me, I can't pee. It is just an absolute bus rant. It is, it absolute bus rant.

It is fucking completely insane. But it works. So once again, in his fiction, it works and he fucks all marital dissatisfaction out of his wife. She's not upset about him burning down the house and becoming obsessed with an ancient tribe of dick sorcerers. Everything's fine now. She calls off the trip.

She's like, I don't need to go on the work trip anymore. To which he responds, nice. Nice. She says, all right, well, I'm not going to cheat on you. And he goes, nice. And with that sex, he quotes, with that sex, all the arguments, all the petty fights, all of the uncomfortable tension that had been building for what seemed like years,

vanished. All gone. That's all there is to a marriage. That's just how well your dick works. And if you are having problems and your dick still works, no, it doesn't. It doesn't work like it used to. You need to PT.

All problems. Most lawyers will tell you, like, if you go in there and say, hey, we're having some problems, we're gonna get divorced. They'll say, have you guys tried fucking? Yes, have you tried really fucking? I mean like cannibal fucking.

Have you done a cannibal style? I've got some big boys. Let me take your wife to Cancun and I'll show her. So here's where he's going to just casually throw out. This has becomes my, because again, you know, at this point it's things starting to lag. So here's where he's going to just casually throw out. This becomes my, because again, at this point, it's things starting to lag. He knows he's got to spice it up a little bit.

He knows we've had a moment to take a breath and just throws out that, oh, by the way, I was taking the tea every day for weeks after and in addition to having the on-demand erections of a 20 year old, my dick got bigger. Yes. Just throws that out there. This is my favorite trope in this type of mythology, the idea that, well, if you have frequent erections, your dick just gets bigger and bigger with each erection because again, that is a 12-year-old's understanding of how the body works. I don't want to get graphic, but if you

could make your penis bigger just by getting a boner, the average penis would be, I don't want to. It would stretch around the Earth two times and end up in Romania, yes. Yeah. He really says the words that your penis is like a muscle in this video. And if you Google that, it is very, very specifically not.

And they know why you're Googling it. They're like, no, buddy, we know why you're asking. It does not work like that. Yeah, because I imagine every young man noticing that after he's jerked off like a hundred times, like, wait a second, my dick's like an inch bigger. And then we're looking at it like, yeah, it's just like any other muscles. Basically a workout. The more you do it, the bigger, there would not be a small penis on earth. Just haven't jacked off enough.

It would be horrifying what men looked like. Just it would be Dune. We would be living the world of Dune. But there would be no arguments in marriages. So he once again throws it. He says it solves everything. He says it gives him better energy, it fixes his bladder, it made his dick bigger, and it occurred to him, my god, this fixes all of the human body. Why isn't everybody using this? Once again, it's that vast medical conspiracy, which he is part of being a doctor.

And it cuts to stock footage of like politicians in Washington meeting all shadowy in front of the Capitol building. Like they're all just whispering, gentlemen, we must destroy the human cock. I need you to pass that anti-boner bill. Specifically when he mentions that the 2BT fixed his bladder problems and he could finally

sleep through the night. This is actually so blatant because according to his own lore, the extended universe of Leo Shub, it was the gorilla flow. He didn't say, he didn't decide to augment this like, well, in addition to the gorilla flow, go buy that product too because the other influencers out there like Alex Jones and Joe Rogan, they have multiple supplements they sell. Like Liver King has multiple and they all build on each other. This one's for focus. This one's for energy. This one's for workout. This one's for blah, blah, blah. So he could have said, well, yes, in addition to my gorilla flow pills, which you also want to buy, it gave me a whole groin area health package.

No, the 2BT fixed us. So he has to be lying in one of these videos. At least one. The Shub Cinematic Universe doesn't hold together. It's like they didn't even plan it. So now he's worried that the pharmaceutical companies are gonna come for him because he's got this ancient dick knowledge share with the world. So he distributes it across the scientific community and a couple of weeks later, all of science starts fucking and they're all getting back to him like, oh yeah, we're getting it on, we need a piece of this.

So now all of science is in on this and they're gonna supercharge it, even though it fucked hard enough for 80 old men to save a generation from genocide. That's not hard enough. So they supercharge it with modern science and throw in one very quick, very crazy additional benefit. He says, it'll increase the size and force of your loads. I have that in my notes, believe it or not.

Force of your loads, it's probably the lewdest way you could put that. And there are medical terms for ejaculating. I think I might've just used them. Women love it. This is a thing that in spam emails from like 15 years ago, you used to get so much of this. Like you will ejaculate so much. Women love it. This is a thing that in spam emails from like 15 years ago, you used to get so much of this.

Like you will ejaculate so much. Like your ejaculate will fly across the room. And it's another one of those things where I don't think any actual couples of any gender have ever cared about the volume and force of the load. I disagree. I think they want low on both of those options. I think they want those sliders set to low.

I think there's a level where you go below it, you're like, well, that's disappointing. Well, it's just dust. But the sweet spot is pretty big, I would say. And then there's a certain point where you're like, well, this is just making a terrible mess. Like, we're searching the room for where that landed for like 40 minutes after every time we fuck. Imagine your wife trying to explain that black

eye. They'd never believe her. No, it's the force of his loads have been augmented by ancient, toopy sides. Okay, let me dial it back. They're sorcerers. They're cannibal sorcerers. Ah, this is... I'll let my husband explain. He almost burned the house down. I was fucking my boss. God, it's a really long story. And I know that this is beating a dead horse. I'm going to have to state the obvious here. If in reality there was a tea or an herb or anything else that could do all of this, it could alter your blood flow and change the tone of your muscles and your brain and your moods and your energy level. Yeah, it would have to be carefully regulated because that also means it is

powerful enough to kill you if you take it wrong. It's all train how your, your blood flows. For example, what happens if women take this or pregnant women or children? What if somebody is old and in frail health? What if they are on a blood thinner because of a blood clot? What if you have kidney disease? Does it matter how long you steep it in the water? Does it matter how hot the water is? Is there a way you can brew this so you accidentally get a double dose and completely wreck your system? If it could do one-fifth of what's being claimed here, then you would have

to tightly regulate it. Yes, you would want the evil doctors and pharma companies to run it past the FDA. Because obviously, if it has this kind of an effect, then it could kill you. You get caught and your blood just increases the size and force of your blood just firing across the room. He very specifically says you could just

take as much as you want. Like, it might be a little crazy. Yeah, but like, well, before he says that, before he says that he uses and I'm going to, I'm going to skip through a little bit of the hard sell because it's the exact same hard sell from gorilla flow where he says like, actually, you know what guys you can't even buy this. I'm losing so much money. They're never gonna it's so rare. Like, it's not even gonna this. I'm losing so much money. They're never gonna, it's so rare, like, it's not even gonna last, it's gonna be gone. It comes from all over the world. No other product is like this. No other product uses things from different countries.

And that's why, that's why it's been so hard hit by, in his words, recent global events have skyrocketed the cost of our premium ingredients over stock footage of soldiers fighting and a tank rolling into an Eastern European city. He's saying outright the war in Ukraine is ruining American penises. I'm sorry, dicks. It also mentions that one reason that the tea works and that the little blue pills don't is that pills come in those plastic capsules and so your body's not able to absorb them. Of course.

Makes sense to me. He thinks those capsules are made of plastic? You've got to fish them out. That would be a weird thing to do. But it's basically, it's yeah, not only do those pills not work, but no pills work. Everything should be delivered in the form of a tea. Everything should be tea. A fascinating little claim to just throw in.

Yeah. He explains that it takes three months to create 2PT because it's always out of stock. So you need to hurry to get it because it's probably going to be gone. And it's so good that 91% of 2PT customers are repeat customers, which means it's usually in stock. So when you buy it, you can just buy it again like 91% of the other people. This all makes sense. I can't pee. My wife is fucking her boss.

I just think it's insane that he has, obviously he has some sort of data, right? From Gorilla Flow. So he went through it and he was like, okay, this part in the video, this is where people clicked by the most. And that's where I said that wars in Africa, tribal warfare was ruining the supply. So let's do it again. Part of my sales pitch is war is harming your penis. He used it twice. Dude, the Gorilla Flow video had 27 views on it. He has no analytics.

You can have analytics from 27. It's just one down. You can't get analytics from 27. 1 27th of all viewers clicked on the war thing. So my favorite, just like, God, Gorilla Flow had this great moment where it just fucking stopped, like dead. It just stopped. And then the video, if you watch it on the site, it would just loop over,

like middle of the sentence stopped. Here, he does the opposite. And the video just, it concludes and it's like, hey, that's it. All you gotta do now, click that button and let's buy it. And then the music starts idling like it's waiting for you. And it starts idling and idling and idling. And eventually, real quiet. Dr. Leo says.

Still here and then it all starts back up again. Just an incredible, an incredible trick. That's so hard that just from still here right into it. Just right back to that fucking word. It's fucking funny. He says now hold on. There's a part where he throws in all the stuff, extra stuff that it does. He throws in, it creates mobility in you.

So the rest of your body can keep up with your dick. That's a direct quote. Like it knows. That was just so fucking funny that all of a sudden out of nowhere, this plus two agility stat boost, they just bury it 40 minutes into the boner talk that you're. Exclusively to keep up with your dick. That's huge!

He's actually saved some of the most alarming parts for this, because this still here part is frequently asked questions. I have, I have easily the most alarming part. So he waits, like if you pause that video with the Ioling music and you're like, oh, that's over, I'm gonna buy this you missed his first genuine warning Which is full disclosure because to PT is safe to take in larger quantities Some men have reported feeling more alpha and aggressive which makes sense

Not only did the ancient to be warriors drink the tea before mating They also took it before combat. So if you decide to take more than one serving and you suddenly feel the urge to bench press 300 pounds and then smash the muscle bound meatheads at your gym with a dumbbell, might be time to cut back to a single serving of Toopy Tea, which should be all you need to give your woman toe curling orgasm after orgasm. What the fuck? Yeah, he just casually drops in because he mentioned earlier in the video

that it naturally raises your testosterone levels. Yeah. That is not a minor thing to do to your body. No. Ask any, not even a doctor, just Google it. So what does this affect hair growth patterns?? The fact that it affects mood, yeah. Yeah, it would. It's pretty serious.

I think if you're selling an aphrodisiac, the first thing you want to warn somebody about is like, look, it'll make you horny for your wife, but it's also used for warfare, so you might kill her. You've got to be horny and fighty in equal parts. The answer to the question that's being asked is like, well, is it safe to take more than one serving? Because again, you've claimed that this actually is more powerful than any prescription drug on the market of any kind. It's like, nah, as far as I know, you can people drink one, two, three servings to just kind of just see how much dick energy you want, but be careful, you know, it will cause violent mood swings. Be careful.

You specifically will kill a man at your gym with a dumbbell. Fucking why include that? If so, you might want to cut back, because again, just one serving should be enough to give your wife toe curling orgasms. But two servings will turn you into the Hulk. You'll become the battle Hulk.

Yeah, you might blast her in half with your super load. There's a part here where this is where I think it winked at us that it's fake. Because he says the tupiti rises above the competition. And the competition is in the scare quotes. And the narrator puts the quotes around the competition. Now, the dick pun is in the scare quotes and the narrator like puts the quotes around the competition. Now, the dick pun is obviously the word rises. The competition has nothing to do with dicks.

So it's a little detail like that that makes me feel like a genius faked this whole thing because I think you couldn't get this wrong with natural dumbness. But as far as I can tell, it's real. You can buy 2PT and this is a very consistent like world that this maniac has built. It's just this one little moment where I'm like, what the fuck was that? He's a complete maniac is what that is. I do. He's a genuine doctor. He's

very smart. He's had a lot of education. He has, uh, I don't know, been exposed to some sort of dick based radiation that has driven him completely insane. I don't know, but he's a fucking lunatic. He brings up the idea that this might all be a dick pill scam. He's like, one of your frequently asked questions is, Dr. Leo, is this a dick pill scam? And his answer is, well, as a doctor and a man, I also fell for those dick pill scams. That's the whole answer!

Heh. There's no reason why this one's not. He's just... He's paid his dues, man. He fell for them too, so now it's your turn... ...to fall for them. And finally, the most important question. Does Toopy Tea taste bad? No, as Dr. Leo explains it, it tastes so good that...

Well... I'll let him say it. What does ToPT taste like? Does it have an aftertaste? As I said, many guys say 2PT tastes like an exotic fruit. More importantly, 2PT does not leave any kind of unpleasant aftertaste. In fact, many of our customers report that 2PT actually changes the taste of their load and that their wives or girlfriends are much more likely to go down on them now. And I know these reports are 100% accurate because more and more women are now ordering 2PT in bulk. So if you don't want to get 2PT for yourself, get it for your wife or girlfriend.

These semen-eating women enriching their lives. For a minute 45 of this video, of this 50 minute long video, he saved that, this is like the bomb going off in Oppenheimer. This is just, because this whole thing with this video, it's clearly scripted, It's a voice-over script but when he wrote the script, it's clearly a We used to get when we get really weird drafts it cracked like first drafts

We would say they never hit the backspace Like they they never rewrote like you can tell they just wrote it as one continuous thing He never hit the backspace on this script because he just keeps wrote it as one continuous thing. He never hit the backspace on this script because he just keeps riffing, like just going off and just adding stuff. And so here, you're 90% of the way through your script and you're trying to address,

because he mentions early in the video that it tastes bad, he's trying to address those concerns and then just decides to throw that in that, A, I admit have noted that it improves the taste of their load and then B, the reason he knows this because a lot of women are now ordering it for the men in their life saying, hey, drink this to make your load taste better and then this will encourage me to go down and you, again, that's a teenager's understanding of sex and oral sex.

Yeah. We haven't talked about the max size of your money back guarantee, which he tries to explain, I would say, four times during this movie, and I still don't quite get it. So I think what, in my understanding is, this tea makes it so your dong, is at the max size it's ever been genetically.

So I think to make this work, you'd have to send them a picture of your dick on its best day, like the biggest it's ever been, and then the boner you got from their tea. So you'd have to poke it through a newspaper to indicate the date. And then I feel like this might be a scam to get two dick pics from me. Because I realized this after I sent them my dick pics, I only got a $49 refund. And that's not even half of what I usually

charge for custom dick pics. So this is such a clever scam, but not in the way you'd expect, I guess. There's another part that we kind of skipped over. I know this is already running long, but another indication that he's just making stuff up as he went along when writing this up. One of the questions was, well, would this upset my stomach?

As, again, very strong medications do. That's why a lot of them you have to take with food and that kind of thing. And he says, no, actually it fixes your digestion. In effect, the users, which he, and this answer refers to as to be groupies, uh, report that it helps them lose weight. It's a weight loss thing too. Those are the kind of side effects you want.

Not like the rage, the rage is the side effect you don't want. But this one's good. This is the kind of thing that your doctor will say. They're going to be skinny and wrathful. So wrathful. All right. So the Toopy Men's Sperm was legendary for exotic fruitiness. It was so delicious. Their young wives couldn't even taste the remains of their cannibalized enemies and their loads. You gotta do it for her. If not, she'll do it. She'll do it for you. But here's the other side effect, and I wanna preface this. Obviously all of this is made up and it's almost certainly not true. So why include this bit where he says,

yes, at first, 2PT will make you prematurely ejaculate? I loved that. I'm sure that sounded like really honest to him. He's like, OK, I got to make something up. No one would ever think I'd lie about this. But yeah, you're going to come way too fast. It's going to drive your wife crazy. This is in the false ending.

This is in the post- post credit stinger where like the music idled, if you stick around, you find out, okay, it's going to make me kill a man and prematurely ejaculate is what you're saving for the very end. If they don't click by, this is the hard sell for the people that didn't click by. They're like, oh, hold on. It's going to make me come way faster. I love that. But he says, you'll recover so fast that it won't matter. Which, again, this sounds like somebody who's not had sex before. Because he's picturing a scenario. I don't want to get into it.

It doesn't work like that. Each time you have sex, you'll last progressively longer and longer each time. That's a real quote. you'll last progressively longer and longer each time. That's a real quote. That's how good the writing is in this. And I thought this was funny just because like, that's sort of true, but only if you're like 15, you know what I mean?

Like, okay, yeah, first time it's gonna go fast, but then like the fourth or fifth, and then you're like, you know, you know what you're doing, I suppose. But he's like, you're deep in a marriage you're doing, I suppose. But, but he's like, you're you're deep in a marriage. You're like a fucking full grown man who's like got kids and lead a full life. This is for the elderly. This is for people in their 50s and 60s or 70s or 80s, like the

Toopy Warriors were. And remember, it is increased the size and force of your load. So as you fire faster and faster over and over again, you'll just be machine gunning through the whole house just punching holes in the drywall. She better run for her fucking life. It's what needs to happen here. So he's so confident it will work but if it doesn't, if it's not for you, don't worry. Dr. Leo has you covered. He says, Okay, if 2PT isn't for you, I understand. We're still friends.

Like there's a guy hovering over the buy now button going, I don't have dick troubles, but I want to be best friends with Dr. Leo. Just don't miss him so much. He tries this, it's another repeat from Gorilla Flow. He tries saying, Okay, $49. That's the price of one meal. Surely you'll go up without lunch every day for the rest of your life, just for a 10% chance that 2PT works. That was the exact same line.

He said you would go without dinner just for a 10% chance for Gorilla Flow to work. No, you wouldn't. You absolutely would not give up one third of all the calories you eat in a day every day for the rest of your life just for a 10% chance that it might make you make your boner bigger. We say that as men with functioning penises, but maybe someone whose wife was leaving him for her boss because his dick doesn't work. Maybe.

Yeah, if you're out there performing ancient cannibal fire spells, trying to get your dick dragon to rise from the dead, I guess you'd take that 10% chance. I'm just saying you made it all up anyway. Maybe boost that 10% up. Maybe like... Yeah, because fire wizardry is only a 9% chance of boner. According to my studies. He says the exact words. It is definitely better than a 10 chance

of success but that's maybe 100 maybe 100 he's not promising that he's not promising that it's not promising 100 but isn't that isn't that really worth more than food maybe Maybe. If all else fails, after all, you can survive off your own delicious, supersized, forceful loads. Ciao! Say, Frankfurt Podcast? Correct! Yeah! The craft is not trapped, it's not empty! Send it to the dog zoo! For an hour! Come on! You know the number!

1-9-100 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-9-9-9 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-100 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-Hunder! Einstein-Hunder, Frankfurt! Einstein-Hunder, Frankfurt! Yah! Neutausend!

It's Supreme Day here on Hot Dog Prime. The day where all hot dog denizens stand tall and proudly salute the heroes who made the ultimate sacrifice in our never-ending meat war against the vile burger race. Aaron Crosston Adrian H Aidan Mouat Alex Nolenberg who held on to a grenade too long.

That's a lesson for you new recruits. If you love something, like a hand grenade, gotta let it go. Alpha Scientist Javo Unandy Armando Nava Benjamin Sironin died from flamethrower wounds received at the Platoon Barbecue, but let the record show his hot dogs were cooked to perfection and in record time. Bim Talzer Brandon Garlok Brian Saylor Burrito

Serrell Chase Clementi Danger never opened his parachute. He's convinced you don't take fall damage if you land on the enemy. We applaud the sentiment, even as we mourn the result. Greg Lemoyne Quavis Dan B Daniel Sloane Devin the Rogue Supreme David Shull Dean Costello Delta Foxtrot found out his own wife was a

burger and turned her in without a second thought. Some say he died when the SWAT dogs raided his house. We know it was really a broken heart. Drayson Dusty's rad title Eric Ria Every zig Fancy shark Gareth tried teen-wulting a burger tank Tried. I do dishonor to the man, he teen-wulfed that burger tank.

It still counts if you crash it into a lake. Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches. Greg Cunningham. Hem-bone. Haraka died from potato poisoning. Just regular old potato poisoning. Wash those potatoes, no job too small.

Harvey Benguini Honk Jaber Al Aiden James Borde Jared Mountain Mad Jeff Araski fatally crashed the Dodge Hyper Challenger he bought with his signing bonus. How many good soldiers will we lose to the Dodge Hyper Challenger? Jim Salter John Dean John McCammon

John Minkoff Joseph Searls Josh Hess Joshua Graves Justin Bee K&M K & M Kumutzus was hollowed out and had his animated corpse used as a honey pot trap by the burgers. Remember to wrap those wieners hot dogs. Kyle Campbell

Lisa M Jahi Chapelle Mark Mahoney Matt Riley butt dialed an air strike on himself at a gender reveal party. It's a girl and she's already enlisted to avenge her daddy. Matt Riley butt-dialed an airstrike on himself at a gender reveal party. It's a girl, and she's already enlisted to avenge her daddy. Max Beroy Michael Dillon

Michael Lair Mickey Lowman Mike Stiles Moju Mort is actually a burger, who saw the freedoms and benefit packages we offer and was won over. Don't shoot the skinny burger in the long bun. He's on our side. Mr Bob Gray.

Indeed. Neil Bailey. Neil Schaeffer. Neku 104 held a machine gun nest against a 4,000 strong burger horde, only to die of diabetes at this very award ceremony. Proper nutrition isn't just a good idea. It's your duty. Ozzy Olu Patrick Herbst

Rachel Rhiannon Sarkovsky hollowed out a sexy burger and climbed inside to use it as a honeypot trap. It worked a little too well, but good initiative, soldier. Sean Chase Spotty Reception Super Non 10H Thomas Kvatsos Timmy Leahy knows if you see two buns, you start shooting. It's a tragedy what happened at that hunk convention, but vigilance is always market

price. Tommy G. Velo Booster Waylon Russell Zack and Ava both simultaneously choked to death on Footlongs, but that was one hell of a USO show, wasn't it, dogs? And finally, Hot Dog Prime hereby posthumously bestows the medal of misguided valor on Sergeant

Ken Paisley, who died in a kamikaze run on a burger nest. It turned out it was just an old Pizza Hut. They're shaped a lot alike. Now remember, cadets, if it's flat and cheesy, say pizza-pleasy. If it's beefy and round, you bomb it to the ground.