The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 171, Short Circuit With Tom Reimann

Episode Date: April 17, 2024

Seanbaby is struck by a bolt of lightning and miraculously given sentience! His first order of business: talking to Brockway and guest, Tom Reimann, about how dangerously horny the 1986 movie Short Circuit was.

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You know the numbers. 1-900 1-900-HOT-DOG Welcome to the DogZone 9000, the official podcast of the very last website, 1900hotdog.com. We are highly trained garbage archaeologists still doing funny and informative articles every day. After four wonderful, zady years, we have never pivoted to video or fired everybody. Become a patron at patreon.com slash 1900hotG to get daily jokes, our increasingly vengeance-driven bonus podcasts, Discord events, and to help keep the medium of text and pictures

made by humans alive. I'm Sean Baby from the internet, very beloved, and my partner is the grand prize winner of the Wang Festival's runner-up flopping hunk, Bobby Five Robert Brockway. I'm working on hard hunk but uh I got I got I got I got like a plan it involves ancient cannibals uh that's really all I can all they can go into for right now I'm Robert Brockway here's the Robert Brockway

fact I also witnessed a robot given miraculous sentience but I beat that motherfucker to death on the spot because I'm not a traitor to humanity. No follow-up questions. None needed. Yeah, none. You can hear him today. We're talking about deranged classic films, so we've brought in an expert. You probably recognize his voice from here or the Gamefully Unemployed Podcast Network. He's Tommy Five, Tom Ryman. I can eat my weight in cannibals. I have a way to test that and it's real sexy. Powerfully erotic.

Deliciously erotic, shall I say. Mm-hmm. Welcome back, Tom. Thank you. Thanks. No, I'm happy to be here. This is a movie that I thought everybody knew about. I imagine a lot of them have.

Yeah. We're talking about Short Circuit. Before we do that, what are you working on these days? Let's do a plug. Oh man, well, you can find me over at Gameplay Unemployed. That's patreon.com slash Gameplay Unemployed. That's the podcast network I co-run with David Bell. We do all kinds of stuff, movie podcasts.

We have some fun stuff we co-host with the people from Small Beans. You should check it out. We do fun stuff. Do that. That's my plug. It's true. I agree.

We're stepping into your territory with this, aren't we? Is that- That's true. You probably have a whole short circuit podcast show you're working on. Oh. I don't know if I- Did you take that as an insult?

I did not mean it as an insult. I am very excited to talk about Short Circuit. I thought I really loved this movie. It turns out I really loved Short Circuit 2. Yeah. I don't remember this one as much, it turns out. Yeah, Short Circuit 2 was the one with all the influence on me anyway. Yeah, of course.

Everyone remembers the timeless classic, Short Circuit 2. Right, like those slow-bows kick your ass. Exactly, I owe a lot to that rhyme specifically. Do you owe your marriage to it? That's my whole argument. Because one time we said somebody joked about that, that was Dan, that was Dan McQuade, who joked about owing like a marriage to a mannequin.

And it turned out not to be a joke. Yeah, they really bonded over that. I mean, I do owe my marriage to Ric Flair. OK. I have no follow-up questions. I'm just certain I know how that is. None necessary, yeah. Yeah.

Let's do some fun short-circuit facts right here at the top. This movie, made in 1986 1986 for $15 million, and about 10% of that was spent on the robot. And I'd say it looks like a more expensive movie than that. I think this looks like a- It looks like a more expensive robot. I'm surprised- That's true.

That it's that low. Yeah. No, the robot looks pretty good. I specifically didn't look anything up about this movie, so I'm prepared to be surprised and delighted. Well, let me give you some more fun facts. It was directed by John Badham. You've probably seen about 30 things he's done.

I'm mad to everybody, not just Tom and Brockway. He had just directed War Games before this, so he was perfect. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. And maybe I've been thinking about 90s Seinfeld too much lately, but what's the deal with the surname Bad Ham? How bad were his ancestors' hams?

If your last name is Need Ham, I can understand it. Jamie, you could cut all of this. Wait, no. Jamie, leave it in. Need Ham, I can picture guys who need a ham. I need it now. I want a ham. You're always saying that.

That's what we'll call you and your children down forever. I love it here in the past. We could take a 13-year-old wife and no one makes it now. You're always saying that. That's what we'll call you and your children down forever. I love it here in the past. We could take a 13 year old wife and no one makes it weird. But you sell one bad ham. Your great great grandson must carry your shame with him. Again, Jamie, just cut. Just cut all of it. I don't know what happened.

Jamie, you're not allowed to cut any of that. What a burden to put on your family. Bad ham. Shit. That casts a long shadow. There's an actor predator named Billy Landham. There sure is. So many ham names. I can talk about him for 45 minutes if you like that it implies the existence of a sea ham and an air ham.

Yes. Is there a sea ham out there? If you're if your ancestors earned the name Seaham, please let us know. Okay, here's a fun fact. Fisher Stevens played a character named Ben Jabintuya. Here's a fun fact. He should not have. He should not have. He's famously not South Asian. This was a last minute decision by the director because the character was supposed to be white. They decided he should be a funny foreigner. And guess who they wanted to cast? Fisher Stevens? First choice? That's who I go to when I need a funny foreigner.

Andy Kaufman. Bronson Pinchot. You're both very close. They couldn't get Bronson Pinchot, he was of course, Spalke from- Oh yeah, yeah, he was balls deep and perfect strangers at this point. He was doing a rival impression. And crushing it, just miles ahead. Right, so they couldn't get Bronson Pinchot, so they painted some Jewish guy brown and said, we have at least 25 years before anyone notices

this is racist. To his credit, Fischer tried, he claims he tried. He says, you know, he studied India. Not enough to discover they had their own film industry with their own actors, but he did learn their people's terrible syntax, their stupid dumbness, and their bumbling horniness. And I think he brought all of that really respectfully.

That's the one thing I did look up. Just like Tom, I didn't look up anything about this. The one thing I did look up was, did Fisher Stevens ever pay for this? Did he pay? Was there a record? I mean, he was in Super Mario, so. The fucking, he was dating Michelle Pfeiffer

shortly after this. So this was provably peak 80s hunk. Like the most desirable woman on the planet. Top 10 of at least, was like, that's the one. No, so this is not only did he not get punished, this was like the keys to the kingdom for him. Yeah.

Plus there's no reason. He learned the absolute wrong lesson from this. There's no reason to do it, I would say. It's worse than Mickey Rooney and Breakfast at Tiffany's. Or at least it's at that level. Yeah, I agree. It's definitely at that level. I wouldn't say worse.

Yeah, you're right. I wouldn't want to walk that back. It's not worse, but it is at that level. It feels less intentionally mean-spirited, but probably more. I feel like this defines how a lot of people thought about like Indian like personalities

for like a generation of racists. Like the term, oh my golly gosh, like my dad would say that about like Indian dudes he worked with. He has since like realized that wasn't a nice thing to do, but that's just like the whimsical racism like we all just sort of grew up with and that's kind of Fisher Stevens fault.

I don't know if it's his fault or if it was just, that was the preexisting racism, and it's just what he did for this movie. But like all of it, like he does the sir thing, it's really, really gross. Yeah, it's- I'm comfortable saying it's his fault. I'm comfortable.

If you're not comfortable with that, what's he gonna do? Fuck Michelle Pfeiffer at us? Come on. There's a standup that you probably heard, Aziz Ansari like did not know he was white. And so it was decades later when he realized Fisher Stevens was not an Indian actor.

And he like, he does a bit about it, but I think it's like so profound. So it's so fucking funny. Yeah, I heard, I remember, yeah, I heard that bit. And I was, it was the same thing for me. Like I had no idea that it was the same dude in hackers. Like I thought this was just an Indian actor. Like in my memory, this was just an Indian actor.

Absolutely. I thought there's no reason to suspect anything. Why would they do this? Right, it's insane that they did it. That was my childhood memory too, lying to me about things being more okay. Because I watched this again and that guy showed up and I was like, where's the Indian guy? And then he started talking. I was like, what? What is this?

Oh no. Is he making fun of the Indian guy who hasn't come on camera yet? Just a total idiot about it. And then slowly was like, Oh my god, I didn't remember this. I didn't remember this at all. You're like, be cool movie, be cool. But also besides the shameful legacy of racial degradation, it was filmed in Astoria, the Hollywood of Oregon.

That is the Goonies house. It is. Goonies, kindergarten cop, if you're willing. I knew it. Yeah, Ali Shidi's house. I was like, that's the Goonies' house. It is. Goonies, kindergarten cop, if you're willing. I knew it. Yeah, Ali Sheedy's house. I was like, that's the Goonies' house. It's crazy what a moment Astoria had for like, that's kindergarten cop too, right? Yeah. Not two, but you know what I mean.

Correct, yes. Kindergarten cop as well. And therefore Silent Hill. Just echoing throughout pop culture Astoria. I've been to Astoria. I don't understand. Yeah, I don't get it. It's fine.

It's fine. I don't think I'd go there and say, I'm going to build a, you know. I've never been... A film franchise here. But I had the album by the Ataris. So you get it. Yeah, no, I feel like I understand it. That's the same. Yeah, I feel like I understand it. That's the same.

Yeah, it's like I was there. Have you ever got blackout drunk with like a fisherman who didn't have a reason to live anymore? You get it. That's the story. You get it. I guess let's talk about what happens in the movie. Um, the credits I think are pretty impressive.

It's all like close up of robotics and soldering. And it's like, you know, aside from the racism, the movie feels very timeless in its practical effects. And you can see that like right off the bat. Yeah, it's a lot of like, I wrote down that it begins with a robot workout video set to like robot fuck music. Yeah, it is kind of like a training montage.

It is, it's like the Rocky IV training montage. Except it's robotics. Robotics. I immediately recognize that backbeat as the pounding hips of a robot. You are correct. The Army's doing like an arms test with the squad of war robots. They blow up a full convoy of jeeps and trucks. Also a tank. It's a Russian tank. Obviously not a real Russian tank. They dressed one up and trucks, also a tank. It's a Russian tank that obviously not real Russian tank.

They dressed one up and it shoots at the robots. And so it feels like a real live. Yeah, like that's fucking crazy. That means it's either remote controlled. Yeah. Or the robots killed like a full tank squad. Where you don't have them shoot back in like a weapons test with decoys and dummies. Like you don't have a guy out there throwing haymakers at the atomic bomb before it goes off.

It's, that's not the kind of test this is. See if you can break the suplex. Rocky Marciano, get out there and punch the bomb just for a few rounds. What if that had worked? What if that had hit? And they say right up top, each of these robots costs $11 million. What if that tank worked? What if that had hit? And they say right up top, each of these robots costs $11 million.

What if that tank had hit one? I was obsessed with that number for the entire movie. That's all I could think about. I was like, that's an $11 million war bot. That's also most of my notes because this movie gets fucking crazy if you consider that these things cost $11 million. It doesn't make sense what anybody does at any turn.

As I wanted to point out in this training montage, like they have the little robots hiding in like pill boxes to shoot from like very secure positions at the tank. So it's unclear why they're better than like just regular dudes with RPGs. Or like put that laser on a pole. Yeah. Or give it to a guy.

Give a guy that laser. Yeah, exactly. Why wouldn't you just give a dude that? They're way more mobile. Yeah, a guy costs like 400 bucks. Nah, you gotta give him a signing bonus. He's gotta buy a Dodge Challenger. Okay, so 11 grand, 400 bucks.

Well, he doesn't have to buy the whole thing. You got yourself. He just has to put a down payment, like three grand. That's right, just the down payment. Okay. Very affordable though. He just has to demonstrate his commitment to buy. So the robots also further demonstrate their usefulness

by making the guy a cocktail. And this is fucking so, I don't know what's the word. I could not believe my eyes. This is a flex. He calls the top military brass and the Saudi investors out to sit right next to a fucking exploding tank shell and five nuclear missile robots

so they can watch a $30 trillion worth of budget make him a cocktail. It's just like, just slap him with your dick. You're giant. Why does he know how to do that? Like this is 1986 and these are like advanced robotics. But like in 1986 to have some, a robot make a gin and tonic like that,

like that took some programmer like what, 19 months to make that program. That's what robot made this drink. Every one of our military supercomputers working round the clock for a summer just to like run that program back then. The carbon footprint of teaching this robot how to make a drink like scorched a thousand years

off this planet. It's like sinking four cruise ships. Yeah. Also, he delivers the line like, just how I like it, shake and not stirred. And I love that so much because the guy, one of the guys doing background voices just fucking loses it.

He's just, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hilarious. Well, the sense of humor of this movie really is like, let's say a line from something else only here. So a James Bond line is fucking 10 out of 10 joke for the short circuit universe. That guy, the one guy, one extra on set that day,

fucking killed. Yeah. Well, the robot, it's funny you mentioned how like the budget and the one guy, one extra on set that day, fucking killed. Yeah. Well, the robot, it's funny you mentioned how like the budget and the carbon footprint because the robot team is actually pretty lean. It's just in its entirety, the robotics team is the shocking racist Fisher Stevens and Steve Guttenberg, who plays like an incel nerd who happens to look like a very fit movie star Steve Gut Gutenberg. And it kind of works that he knows how to make a gin and tonic because Steve

Gutenberg has ditched the entire demonstration to just fuck around in the robots lab. He's teaching piano to some robot hand. He's like the Willy Wonka of Northrop Grumman. Yeah. Yes. I love it. Perfect way to describe it. It's amazing. You never get those kids back. You never know when he's joking. Yeah, he's like really dry, but like working with lasers and nuclear bombs, like people are dying because of his work.

They cut to a cocktail party and I really like the filmmakers concept of war because they have this general just bragging to a civilian like, here's the idea. You take a robot, you drop him on a parachute into Moscow, he waits for nuclear war to end, then he goes up to the middle of fucking Red Square and bombs them with the nuclear missile he has. It's a child's idea of how this would work. And we see this notion get defeated several times over throughout the movie, as Johnny Five is toppled by a pipe, and other such things. But this cocktail party fascinated me because it's not, not only do they have the warbots serving drinks and hors d'oeuvres with their laser guns still on their shoulders, and one of them is just spinning in circles. I don't know if you guys noticed that guy.

But there's also other robots that are just serving like coffee and hors d'oeuvres. So that means the military also built those robots for Steve Gutenberg. So they like they built his they built his peewees playhouse robots for him. Yeah, they never give an alternate use for the cocktail robots. Yeah, for the coffee bot that like... Like the war bots are making cocktails, but then there are also several other robots that are just there to deliver hors d'oeuvres and shit. And like you can see that that's all that can do.

Like it is purpose-built for that. So each of those costs like what, three million dollars? They're probably filled with mustard gas. I bet those have some military options. They have a great sense of safety in this place. It's like a fucking high school gym, and there's like 70 malfunctioning robots in every single room.

While we're at the cocktail party. That's just spinning around, pointing its laser gun at everyone's head in the room. Johnny-Five gets hit by lightning. And they're like, oh, Jesus Christ, he got hit by lightning. And the other guy's like, no, he seems OK. But he's not.

He's smashing into walls. And then he gets shoved outside by an automated trash bot. This whole place is filled with zany robots. They drive away with it. For trash bot. I want to is filled with zany robots. They drive away with it. Six million dollars for trash bot. I want to point out that Johnny Five screams when he gets struck by lightning. That's the first thing lightning delivers

is the ability to feel pain, the ability to feel specifically getting hit by lightning. He screams. I love that. I miss the days when this was enough, when you were like, how do we make the robot alive? It's like a lightning lightning lightning fucking child's wish who gives a shit

Mel Gibson falls into a bathtub with some pantyhose cares bumps his head I don't fucking know Every tragedy is magic. There was I mentioned mentioned this, I think, two podcasts ago. There's a Martin Lawrence movie where he travels through time and he straight up works at a Medieval Times carnival place and he just finds a magic medallion in a ditch. Sure, black magic. They're like, we do not fucking care.

Give him a magic medallion. It doesn't matter. I love it. It's refreshing. He could have got it and he could have found it in his mailbox, it doesn't matter could have found it in his mailbox. It doesn't matter. Yep, it doesn't matter.

OK, OK, so now the robot's missing outside the fucking walls of the military base. It seems very serious. Like, I'm not sure if Johnny Five has a nuclear weapon on him, but I know he's outfitted for that. He's at least like a menace. And we saw the laser blow up a tank, blow up a Jeep full of mannequins. Like it's not like not dangerous.

I think they say that the lasers are nuclear powered somehow. Like I don't think they knew or thought anybody else would know what that means. I think they were just like, yeah, it's fucking nuclear. It's like a, it would be like a malfunctioning drone with a live payload. Right, it's very dangerous.

That thing could blow up a school if we don't get it back in here. Yeah, and it feels like an 80s movie and that like looking at it now, you're kind of like, oh, this is not as whimsical as they're making it out to be. Like they're making the bad guy, they have that bad guy from police academy who's like, I'm gonna go blow up that fucking robot.

And you're like, yeah, that feels like a move. He hates robots. It seems personally for him. He really hates robots. I feel like that's the only place on Earth. In 1986, that lab specifically is the only place on Earth where you can't work if you hate robots. Right.

But that's who they got. So they talk to Johnny. they can communicate with him. And they're like, hey, what are you doing? Why don't you come back home? And he sends back, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too? Because he's looking at a Dr. Pepper billboard. Because we all remember that timeless Dr. Pepper slogan from 70 slogans ago.

We were all saying it. If we're talking about fleeting taglines, where's the beef was right there? And we would have enjoyed that so, can you imagine how much fun we'd have if watching a movie from 1986 and a robot says, where's the beef? Delightful, yeah.

I don't remember it completely, but I think if that's gonna happen, that's gonna happen in Short Circuit 2. I have faith. Oh yeah, yeah. There's a non-zero chance that happens in Short Circuit 2. This is going to sound fucking crazy, but you want to meet next week and talk about Short Circuit 2?

Yeah, absolutely. Of course. Let's do it. I already have that in my calendar. Thank you. I have in my notes, the robot parachutes off a bridge and onto a food truck, and it's fucking awesome. Like we filmed that.

I have in my notes right before that happens. Flawless. He's getting pushed along by like a military jeep up to highway speeds and then the jeep slams on its brakes and catapults him through a construction zone and what the construction worker turns around and sees a praying mantis robot blasting at him at highway speeds and he yells,

hey, what do you think you're doing? He's like, watch it here. At this fucking homophilist coming at him. I feel like as the movie goes, you kind of realize they all like live next to the robot military base. So I feel like that must happen to them a lot like the coffee robots are always escaping and shit, right? This is the implication is that these robots are constantly terrorizing Astoria Right, like they don't behave like the village at the bottom of Dracula's castle. They're all like yeah

There's some fucking robots come out sometimes man. We just deal with it Welcome to Astoria pal We got a real robot problem. It's the lost boys, but just replace it with robots. Fucking to Astoria, pal. We've got a real robot problem. It's the Lost Boys, but just replace it with robots. Fucking the bot boys. And robots. Robots everywhere. Some of them are sexy.

Some of them are very sexy. Some of them are Alex Winnner. She fucks the robot, right? I'm sorry, I'm getting ahead of us. You're getting ahead of yourself. You're way, way too ahead. You're not wrong. Yes.

But yes, we've landed on Ali Shidi's truck, who's kind of, I guess, the love interest of at least three characters in this movie. Her life is a wreck. She's being haunted by an ex-boyfriend who we see him trying to steal her dog for medical research. Yes. It's maybe the worst thing I've ever seen anyone write

for a character. It's like, we got to show this guy's an asshole. What could he be doing? I don't know, make him the ex-boyfriend. I don't know, could it be like 50 times worse than that? It was like the first thing they suggested was to have him show up like dressed as a Nazi. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, okay, what if he's there to steal her dog

for animal research? Okay, no, no. Like, okay, what if he's there to steal her dog for animal research? Okay, that's it. What if he brings a dog with him and shoots it right in front of her, just to prove a point? I feel like the audience might get it. He's a varsity scumbag, he's great. Yeah, and it's not like there's a reveal that he's not so bad.

Like they get in a baseball bat fight, he shoves her to the ground, and like this all happens between a live raccoon and four geese. Someone should be hospitalized from at least two or three of the things that I just described. Those geese are traumatized. You can't show domestic violence in front of geese.

They learn. That explains geese. That explains all geese. That's why they're like that. They weren't like that before this. Hurt geese, hurt geese. That explains all geese. That's why they're like that, yeah. They weren't like that before this. Hurt geese, hurt geese. Steve Gutenberg and Fisher Stevens are now like, the crack team sent out to capture, recapture number five,

and they're gonna take number one, a non-melfunctioning robot. I have a clip from this, and you'll get a taste of Fisher Stevens if you've never seen this movie. Well, it's an opportunity to spread your legs. Good to smell the breezes, hm? Has it changed much out there?

Oh yes, you can say that two times. Hey, hey, come on you guys, come on, get going, Scroters coming up empty. We're on our way, Howard, to the great outdoors. Newton, you know what is out there in the great outdoors? Girls. Mmm, with brassieres and legs. You have a working knowledge of girls?

No, but I read about them. Well then, maybe I can furnish you with some schematic drawings. Oh wow. So he carries around like anatomical diagrams of girls. That's what that line means. Right. So these guys are cooped up in the military base in the science lab, seemingly since puberty. Like they think neither of them. It seems like Steve Gutenberg has been down there for like 26 years. Yeah.

So that's it, like you get those characters. Ally Sheedy, we cut to her and she is, her home is swarmed with pets. Like kittens are on her stove top while she cooks. She it's got to be days before she finds dead pets she she hears number five outside just wrecking her food truck and they do a full like Ghostbusters dual reveal I think it might even be the music from Ghostbusters where it's this really similar musical cue yeah yeah same thought and it's like this misty cue. Yeah, yeah, same thought.

And it's like this misty reveal of number five with glowing red eyes, like tearing apart her food truck. And she, in a moment, knows that the robot is actually a star alien who's picked her for first contact. Like she's already honored at the opportunity to meet. That made sense at first, because I was like, oh, okay, when I was watching this, my notes go from like, okay, that makes sense, because if you're in the 1980s, you don't really know what a robot is.

Like, you probably know the word, but you haven't seen anything like humanoid or praying mantisoid like that. It could be mechanical, you don't know. But then they do a later reveal where she sees the plate that says he's from the robotics lab, and she's like, oh, you're one of those war robots I know everything about. Like what the fuck? Your whole village is terrorized by robots all the time. And you're like, this one's an alien?

Yeah, she like doesn't know someone who hasn't worked at that fucking place. And she's like, wow, you're from the stars. She also like really is shitty to him at that point too. Like she's like, oh, you're from the stars. She also really is shitty to him at that point too. She's like, oh, you're just one of those crappy robots. She hasn't just spent the last 45 minutes with a miracle robot that has a personality, and it's learning shit. We are getting ahead though, because she does

think it's an alien for a while. She invites it into her home. They do a whole bit where the robot can't understand her. They do this like who's on first bit of fucking lot in this movie where she's like gesturing for the robot to come and he just mimics her gesture rather than coming, uh, and like, fair enough. If he comes back to say, yeah, he does. He does come all over the place. My note says that she brings it inside the house and like, not one of her 70

cats care this fucking ridiculous. This is fucking ridiculous. This is 15 vacuum cleaners walking as a man. This would be their sworn enemy the second they saw him. Because we've seen how they react to Roombas, right? And that's how he moves. So he's basically just a huge Roomba. He's a huge Roomba, so much noise. She gives him her encyclopedias

and he just burns through them like as you might imagine. Very good practical effects. It looks great. But there's a lot of kittens on the bookshelf. So there's no way he finished all these without tearing some of those to pieces. So he can identify everything, but he identifies it by like smashing it. So he's like, Apple just fucking throws a bunch of apples. He's like, table, fuck your table, fuck your dishes. Raccoon.

Then she turns on the TV, raccoon, rip it inside out. She turns on the TV and now this is his life. Three Stooges commercials, even in 1986 audiences knew exactly where this is going. They're like, oh, this is Robin Williams' worst bit, go. Um. See, this is. What a promise for the audience. Williams's worst bit go. See, this is what a promise for the audience.

Oh, boy. The next hour and 20 minutes are going to be a treat. Well, that three stooges thing is like right there. Any thinking, feeling, loyal human being would have bashed this thing's brains in with a bat. The second they saw it learning three stooges. Cause like that's- It's the worst thing to show a robot. Yeah, you're just teaching it martial arts basically. Like you're all of a man's weaknesses.

Number five, bash skull. Like it's just gonna kill people. And expressly that there are no lasting consequences for exploiting those weaknesses. Like you have just created a murder robot immediately. That's, if I could read the short circuit, I would do that right there. It would be exactly the same up to this scene.

And then as soon as he watched three stooges, it would just be, it would just be upgrade from there on out. It would just be a bloodbath. Just a slasher movie. Yeah, no, if she didn't teach him about death with the cricket and like a scene a bit in between that, he'd end up ripping some kid's nose off or something. He doesn't know that yet. He doesn't know about death yet.

He doesn't understand it. He doesn't understand death. He's in this house literally surrounded on all sides by beautiful little kittens. And he thinks that if you crush something, you just put it back together at this point. He read the encyclopedia. He read the fucking chapter on the Holocaust.

He knows. This is like, they did this in Fifth Element. He's a war robot. Yeah. Oh, right. 100%. And he has a nuclear laser in his house. He's got a laser. You'd have to believe he'd have some concept

of like destroying things. We're 40 minutes into the movie. So the movie has like a momentum. That's too long to be in the movie. On paper, I agree. But like when you're watching it, you're like, this feels about the right time for him to like learn what death is and for a single character in the movie

to realize he's come alive. So he steals Ali Shidi's truck because he has now put together the logic that the war base is going to disassemble him. And since the grasshopper got disassembled and he's dead, then that will kill him. So he has to run for his life. He steals her truck.

She jumps on the back of it. So they're still attached. She can't drive her ship. Yeah, she really does. He is smashing up everything she owns. Like her life was already chaos, but he is agreed. Agreed. And then he remembers death right before he drives

her food truck off a cliff. And they do like their ninth who's on first routine as the robot tries to explain to her that, yeah, I'm alive. I get what alive means and that's what I am. I have a clip of Fisher Stevens again. I don't know why I put it here, but let's play it. These guys have you gone anyway. Oh, you are girl, right? Yes, as far as I know. I have seen some strange bizarre drivers, but you, you will be awarded a cake. Me?

Talk to your robot. He did the driving. Did you say the robot drove the truck? Yeah, that's right chum. That's exactly what I'm saying. Oh well like you cannot hold your water with that story. So he did say that. Yep I had that written down too. His malapropisms might have a slur in them. It's just like like a warning at the start. He gets things wrong and he might get him like really wrong. Also, it's such a bold direction to take like, we need the nerd that's not good with girls to take it so far that he literally doesn't know what a girl is, he has to say, you are girl, right?

You are girl. Like, that's the fucking alien, kill that one. Yeah. Use that bat. Yeah, give that guy the Blade Runner test. Or is that butt head like a dog? I don't know why that popped into my head. That's one of my favorites of Beavis and Butt Head movements Yeah, give that guy the Blade Runner test. Was that Butt-Head like a dog? I don't know why that popped into my head.

That's one of my favorites of Beavis and Butt-Head moments where Beavis identifies a dog and then Butt-Head says, you called a dude. I'm just like, why the fuck did that get put on TV? Anyway, we're getting way off topic. The point is this Belkibartocomus monster is racist and intolerant in ways that are more than the ones baked into him.

It was a dazzling kaleidoscope of racism. Yes. So she's trying to explain to this fucking horrible racist in Steve Gutenberg that this robot's alive. And then the police academy guy shows up and he opens fire. He opens fire. Fisher Stevens is real handsy with Ali Shidi while he's like trying to get her to cover.

And when I say that, I mean, she comments on it in the middle of the gunfight. She's like, I know this is mostly, thank you for shoving me out of the way of the bullets, but like, I know this is mostly sexual assault. Played as a joke, of course. You're getting away with something, Val. Yeah.

So they turn off Johnny-Five, problem solved. Both Steve Goodenburg and Fisher Stevens, they've mistaken this robot battle for romantic date with Ali Shidi, both of them. So they think they like got somewhere with this beautiful woman. My point is they've definitely fucked some of these robots. These guys are horny beyond.

I'm glad you said that. They have that mantra that they have where they said they won't get happy, they don't get sad, they just follow programming. And they say it in unison two or three times in the movie, which means it's a thing that they've had to repeat to each other a bunch of times, which means it's a thing that they have to keep reminding each other because they keep fucking the robots. Yes. They keep having a deal with the ethics of that. The robots don't love us. They don't love us. They're just following programming.

There is a real chance that people are, because we're silly, because we're all very silly here, there's a real chance people are thinking like, we're finding something in the movie that is not there. And I expressly, in revisiting this movie, realized how deeply horny this is right from the jump. There's so much we've skipped over that's just... He wants, like, when he's first escaping the facility, Johnny-Five, checks out another one of the coffee robots ass because, like, she's shaking her little power cord and that's what he follows. She's dragging the power cord and that's what he follows. And he goes and he like, he knocks up and kind of feels up a gas pump and like it's just, it's horny straight throughout. Everybody in the movie is horny for Ally Sheedy, including the robot, including, I would argue, kind of the bad guy at times. Like there's just a leer he gives her.

It's there's a shocking amount of Howard the Duck in this movie. I would not have expected it. It's very leer he gives her. It's, there's a shocking amount of Howard the Duck in this movie. I would not have expected it. It's very Howard the Duck. It's very, but Howard the Duck was, well, that was the selling point. It was aware of it. Why is it horny?

That would be my first feedback. If you gave me the script for notes, I'd be like, I really like the fantastical journey we're going on. One question, why is it so horny? Right, take all the horniness, put it in one guy maybe. A single post-it note on the front of the script, why is the robot horny?

You could just take robot out and put the blank. Why is blank so horny? They'd be like, you have a good point. That describes every character in the movie. So, okay, so Johnny- Johnny Five's like being carted away and he turns himself back on, he re-solders himself, he grabs his replacement arm, hijacks the truck, ditches the transmitter,

and then he turns up the radio and he's free. And I think this would be a really good time to just stop the movie and make it a TV pilot. Like, this is, it's fantastic. Yeah, his adventures just traveling across across just fucking his way across America Absolutely leaving just leaving cyborg children in the bellies of a hitchhikers Oh, yeah, there's so many ladies across the country gonna keep giving birth to RC cars In this scene I wanted to point out that when he's like grooving with the music and

stuff, he's like driving all over. He's driving like Ben Guzzara and Roadhouse. Yes. He's just like weaving all over the road. Sweeping eye on the whole road. This is an amazing song. It's an Eldabarge song called Who's Johnny, which was not written for the movie. I don't know if it's about a girl pretending not to remember the singer who is named Johnny,

or if she's fucking Eldabarch and pretending not to remember a second man she's fucking named Johnny, but it's definitely not about a combat robot. I think you said it wasn't written for the movie. I think maybe the movie was written for the song. Yeah, no, that's the way it went. Like maybe the question being posed was who's Johnny? And then somebody out there was like, I know. The music video for that was just all short circuit footage and the judge just demanding to know who Johnny was.

It's so incoherent. I read this was originally going to be money for nothing and they couldn't afford it. So they're like, we can get Elda Barchess went solo. I bet he'd sell us a fucking weird song about I'm trying to picture what this movie Would have been if that song had been so wait They didn't have that song and he just I thought that's why he decided to name himself Johnny Which he doesn't do until the very end. I thought that happened earlier in the movie as a kid I remember just thinking of course course that's Johnny Five.

But that's a short-circuit two thing. Yeah, he's not Johnny Five until like the very very last second. Fisher Stevens is back at the base. He says, maybe we have created another Frank Ferders monster. I'm not going to do the voice. That's a good idea. Switches. Yeah. Oh, it's my pleasure. I don't know why I put up my notes.

I think this fucking minstrel character that's in this movie. I think that one just really pissed me off. It's like, what the fuck? What the fuck? The whole, it's, yeah. They don't have Frankenstein in fucking India? He's a fucking roboticist

and he doesn't know what a girl is? Yeah, come on. What? Anyway. He has grafted a human vagina onto so many appliances. He has fucked so many of these robots. He knows exactly what Frankenstein is. Because it's how anyone would describe his love life.

He's only too familiar. The news shows up at Ali Shidi's house and the newscasters also horny. They ask if the robot tried to molest her. And she says, quote, he's not that kind of robot as if there are that type of robot. She lives in Astoria. Because they do live next to,

she lives in Astoria where Fisher Stevens is just unleashing fuckbots. Just putting his libido into robot after robot and setting it loose on a poor fishing town without the resources to fight back or contact the outside world. It's just constantly getting assaulted by robots. Her ex-boyfriend sees this on the news,

and this was a very 80s villain thing to just see something and say like, that means money to me. So he sees her say, I didn't get molested by a robot. a very 80s villain thing to just see something and say like, that means money to me. So he sees her say, I didn't get molested by a robot. Yeah. And he's like, she knows where that fucking robot is. Like they had a consensual love affair.

Speaking of that's coming up, because number five bursts in on her while she's taking a bath. And I'm sure you guys have this quote in your notes, what he says to her. Change color or nice software. Yeah. Mm. There's a little mm at the end.

Yeah, he openly ogles naked Ali Sheedy and then says she's got nice tits. Yep. You have to remember that its core programming was done by Fisher, Stevens, and Stephen Lindenberg. It all makes sense. It checks out. Currently making love to Gogurt in this script. This is a reconnaissance bot to go out into the world and tell him what a girl is.

It's supposed to report back. Right. So now, Ali in number five... He just built a robot to find out about girls. It's very weird science. We've got to find out what you're up to. I've got it. You know this contract, this military contract? What if we did like a back door lady robot? I don't know.

I think it's a great plan. I call it Fretbot 5000 and its mission to panty raid. Fucking $11 million panty raid robot. You wouldn't have to change a fucking word of the script. You give it that title, no one questions it. Fratbot 5000. Fratbot 5000, the panty raid, the $11 million panty raid robot.

Fratbot. Same villain. You absolutely cast the bad guy from Policening Raid robot. Fratbot! Same villain. You absolutely cast the bad guy from Police Academy for that movie. Okay, so Ali in number five, they're dancing along with Saturday Night Fever. This is the director's most famous movie. Kind of.

Yeah. He's spinning around. Yeah, kind of. He's just grabbing her and spinning her. And then he asks if he can like move into her home. And this is filmed and written like they're falling in love. I'm certain when I was 10 years old, I thought that's where they were going with it.

And I, looking back on it now, I agree with my 10 year old self. You cut to the next morning, like you do in an 80s sex scene. And number five is making her breakfast. I mean, he's trashing her kitchen, the very last untrashed corner of her life. But like, this is how you would film a love scene. That's, yeah, that's Aiden shorthand.

If you cut from like a slow dance where he dips her and she looks deeply into his eyes and then we smash cut to him cooking breakfast while she comes out in a robe, that's they fucked last night. You could not be more clear. Sex happening. That's 1986 for they fucked.

Yeah. Yes. Also, I couldn't get over him just splashing his robot claws around in the food. It's all that metal and oil and stuff. And then, here's your pancakes. It's just, you know, you already pictured it, even if you haven't seen the movie, he's got an open bowl,

he's just fucking whisking pancake mix into the walls. The pancakes taste like the street. I think it's the French who say that a man cooks like he makes love. I think that's true for robots. Violent, yeah, violent. Yeah, just like- Malatroit and violent.

Fluids everywhere. Fluids. Spinning. 360 degrees of fluid. Smashing, burning. So her ex shows up with a fucking rifle. He's there for the $25,000 robot reward. He knows where she keeps her key, so he just breaks right in.

This part, this part of the movie is insane. OK, the robot leaves as soon as he figures out what's going on. They have like a hostage situation going for a little while, and the robot kind of gets like, oh, you're going to kill me, so he leaves. The robot's not a hero, it leaves her to die. Then the ex-boyfriend calls her a bitch, goes running outside and slips,

just completely itched on the porch, the actor, not the character. So, Ali Shidi is delivering her lines while she's cracking up at this obvious flub's take. He does eat shit. Yep. I don't know why they kept it. What part of this shot of a man leaving a house

was so expensive they couldn't do a second take? But it's in this classic movie. This guy totally slips and falls, and Ali Shidi laughs at him. Anyway, I love it. But number five hasn't completely fled. He actually disassembled the guy's car, which, from the script, in the text, we know that he thinks is murder.

He thinks he has completely eviscerated and tortured to death this car. He murdered that guy's Camaro. Yes. He blocks a bunch of bullets with a little wheel. So we've now demonstrated this robot is extremely deadly until the guy picks up a pipe and knocks him over. Knocks him over, yeah.

$11 million war bot supposed to march a nuke down Main Street, Moscow. He knocks it over with a pipe. They never taught it to defend against sticks. He's doing a lot of like movie lines and stuff. It's really annoying. He does like Bruce Lee sounds while he's shooting lasers. He shoots the bad guy's pants off.

Ali Shidi laughs at his sexual humiliation. How often were we doing this in the 80s? Like, this is like an ET, like Howard the Duck type thing. We're all still chasing ET with this, like a wacky alien or some sort of monster creature that speaks in pop culture references. There's a lot of these around this time.

Yeah, I feel like it's hard to get away from. Like you're thinking like what a funny misunderstanding would be to come from the stars and think we all talk like a Dr. Pepper commercial. But also, you know, who like Dr. Pepper, let's get that money. That's true. I'm sure they appreciated that. I just found that like while this guy's being sexually humiliated by a combat robot who's just like learning how to behave like a toddler, Ali Shidi has no concept of the danger she's in.

She is just having a fun time. And that's, I guess, kind of the vibe of the entire decade, which I sort of miss. I have another Fisher Stevens. Oh, god damn it. How the fuck did I clip this here? You know, I know why number five took a liking to her. If it did have that capability, which it doesn't, but if it did. I mean, I think she's kind of pretty, don't you think?

I am thinking she is a virgin. Or at least she used to be. Hello, Crosby? Who is Howard? I know you're listening, so pick up the mic. This is Crosby. How's your back, Howard? Oh, just hunky-dory, thanks. I just swore out some so pick up the mic. This is Crosby. How's your back, Howard?

Oh, just hunky-dory, thanks. I just swore out some warrants for your arrest. Oh, good gully. But because I'm a nice guy, I'm gonna give you one last chance. I got a phone call from that loony in the lunch wagon. She wants to see you. Only you. She does? Oh, her pants are blazing for you, Looting Crosby. Hmm.

Oh, her pants are blazing for you, Looting Claws. Hmm. Hmm. So, uh, generally not a good sign for the survival of the woman if, uh, if the guy, the first time he sees her says, I am thinking she's a virgin, or at least she used to be. Like, that's, that's how I would shorthand this man is going to eat you. But he's, it also demonstrates that he's like in the wrong movie. He thinks he's doing like a Leslie Nielsen movie. So a lot of his lines are like he's like talking all wrong

with a heavy accent and they're like, oh, where are you from? And he's like, oh, from Bakersfield. And he's like, oh, no, your ancestors dickhead. He's like, oh, Pittsburgh. And you're like, OK, this is too silly. Like you're you're from the wrong universe, if that's your bit. Right, he's like weirdly broadly comedic. Yeah, he doesn't vibe with the rest of the movie,

which is crazy on its own merits, but he should not be here. Like if you took his role completely out of this movie, it would be no different, aside from that it wouldn't be as bad. Right, like he's just here to ruin the movie. He has no impact on like the relationships, the plot. Like I wouldn't say 80% of the time

when he says his little joke, Steven Gutenberg doesn't even have a reaction. Like not even a reaction shot. He just cold walks away from him. Right, he might not even exist. I don't think within the fiction of this movie. Yeah, Shyamalan. I don't think within the fiction of this movie... Shit, Shyamalan! I don't think within the fiction of this movie, I think he's doing an impression and Steve Gutenberg is fucking sick of it.

Yeah, he's like, this is too long a bit. He's been doing this for the last six years we've been working together. I've never laughed once. I just like that Ali is trying to set up like a private robot negotiation with Steve Gutenberg and he thinks it's a date and Fisher Stevens thinks it's a date. Like they know so little about women that like they think that this is a Porky's movie

when they're trying to navigate like this. Right. This delicate like robot transfer. He literally says, let's go pick up some chicks while they're supposed to be going to find the runaway nuke bot. Right. That's a chick.

That's a chick to him. Look, meanwhile, the military has sent the other robots to capture number five. And he's battling them, but he's silly in an 80s comedy. So he's invincible. And the villain should know this. Steve Gutenberg taught it to him specifically in Police Academy, one, two, and four.

Like, this guy's a fucking idiot to go in against a silly robot. And so, of course, the robot is like, oh, it's so bad. If anyone should understand the formidability of wackiness. Yeah. Yeah, he lures one into like a snare trap and then turns them off. He matadors another one into an outhouse. So you get the vibe.

But now instead of just turning them off and defeating them, he, instead of giving his brother's life, I guess is something that maybe he should have considered. Like I want all the other robots like me to come to life. He rips them open and turns them into three Stooges slaves, which feels like a fate worse than death in a lot of ways. He barges into the bar to save Ali Shidi in this negotiation, and there's a moment I love in this scene because the bartender sees a robot rampage into her bar and all the local military guys open fire on it.

She sees this and decides she's on the robot side and she bashes a picture over a soldier's head for nothing. It does nothing to change the sway of battle. Again, it implies such like a deep relationship between this town and this fucking rogue war lab that is constantly just unleashing their robots to terrorize them. Like they understand it's not the robot's fault, it's the people's fault. And even if you're not on side robot, you are on side kill the people that unleashed the robot.

You can't run into a military operation and just bash a soldier over the head with a pitcher of beer. This woman was probably shot dead. Unless your life is meaningless, unless you've been terrorized by warbots for so long that you don't even react when one explodes into your bar. Unless you just don't even care anymore.

These people have been pushed too far to the point of revolution. It's her bar. The robot ran through the wall of her bar and she's like, fuck yeah, robot. I'm just wearing it down. I got nothing. I guess the robots come down off the mountain every so often. Claim the firstborn, and then they... Prima Nocta. Prima Robot Nocta. We'll get there. Jamie, cut that. No, refine it. Uh, no.

I wanted to hit that, um, when he, like, easily dispatches the other robots with, like, rudimentary traps, like, that's like, if anything, that's like a poor showing for the robots, right? Like that's like just demonstrating that you guys spent way too much money on these robots. When one man who understands the three stooges could have just taken you all apart. You really destroyed it with Bugs Bunny wackiness. Like that's...

Mm. God, we got, we better hope the Russians never get Bugs Bunny. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Alley in number five, get away, and she tries to teach him how to kill. Like she's like filled with rage.

Those fucking assholes you shoot. Next guy you see, shoot him with a laser. And he's like, no, I must never kill. And then he does a John Wayne impression, man famous for playing characters who never kill. They meet up with Steven Gutenberg and explain the whole thing for the goddamn 10th time. John Wayne would have killed the robot

for refusing to kill him. Absolutely, absolutely. Sorry. He would have called it a Fisher-Stevens slur. So Steve Magutenberg's like, it's just a malfunction. And then we learn the theme of the film, life, not malfunction. Magutenberg, he gives him a tomato soup Rorschach test.

It is like, okay, I'll smug about it. Like, you fucking idiot, you can't pass this. He is like, okay, I'll smug about it. Like you fucking idiot You can't pass this he's like looks like butterfly bird maple leaf And then Steve Gutenberg goes, holy shit, and then we see he's a robot. He goes no shit. Where's he shit, which I mean That's he waffles back and forth between I'm a living thinking learning being and I'm a fucking idiot robot And then Steve finally realizes he can prove the robot isn't alive with the Jewish joke and I'm a fucking idiot robot. And then Steve finally realizes he can prove the robot isn't alive with a Jewish joke. And I'm not kidding.

He tells a Jewish joke, the robot laughs. He taught the robot anti-Semitism thus proving its life. It's the same way Elon Musk sold users on Grok. Yeah. It's the final and ultimate test of sentience is laughing at a Jewish joke that he doesn't deliver correctly. Right. Dank means!

The army finds him again. And it's pretty serious. This robot has a deadly laser. It's done about $20 million damage to this town. It has a fucking laser cannon on its shoulder like the Predator. And it's just running around out there. It has a fucking laser cannon on its shoulder like the Predator. And it's just running around out there. It's really rampaging by any standards.

This has gone on for far too long. Might be carrying a nuclear bomb. And these two civilians and obvious maniacs, they're teaching it how to fuck and hate the Jews. So maybe something should be done. The robot makes a run for it and they blow it up with a helicopter. The end. Our fucking hero is dead. Allie and Steve Guttenberg, they just get in a truck and leave, like maniacs wanted in connection to dozens of federal crimes do in a situation like this. You probably know this. It's a fake out. Yeah, there's before they leave, or maybe as they're

leaving, the big boss of the Warbot company, Howard, fires the evil military guy, Scroder, which is such a crazy decision to flip that late in the movie, because if firing him was an option, like, they make it seem like this Howard guy is totally helpless against the rampage of Scroder, the military thing, like, he's the military attaché. His influence over him, him like goes back and forth depending on the scene, yeah. But then he can just casually fire him, means like you were letting this guy try to,

and I wanna reiterate, destroy $11 million. He was just gonna blow up, he wanted nothing more. And every turn, everybody else wanted to rescue the robot, to reprogram the robot Only scroter wanted to blow it up and he was very clear about that and every so every time he looked his boss straight in The face and was like I want to light 11 million dollars on fire and his boss was like I'm helpless against to this Only when he lit 11 million dollars on fire did his boss go. Well, I guess you're fired Why was that? He had like kill all robots as a face tattoo.

And I don't know. He just hates robots. Why were you helpless against him the whole movie? It's such an insane flip at the end. It means nothing. I agree completely. I had that in my notes with next to the words, should we even talk about this?

It's so confusing. Cause it really is like, where did this come from? Right, I feel like they wanted to do a better they realized at the last minute like we didn't give the bad guy any consequences like so he has to lose his job but if this was just a job and that was his boss the whole time this whole movie is fucking crazy. I saw a really funny comment like while I was on IMDB looking for all that fascinating movie trivia I gave us earlier. One of the comments was like, this movie does not have a villain. But it has the bad guy from Police Academy who wants to kill the main character.

He just hates robots with all of his soul. And an ex-boyfriend who showed up at her house to steal her dog for medical research and then came back with a rifle. And a racist who has diagrams on him at all times for how to disassemble a woman. Like, I think it's all villains. It's all villains. From top to bottom. It's a fake out. Just in case you haven't seen Short Circuit, I want to like wrap things up for you. Number five took a bunch of parts and made a whole new robot out of it, thus

becoming God, I guess, and breathing life into this thing only to watch it get exploded for its own selfish purposes. Another 11 million dollars. Yeah, he learned the futility and aimlessness of creation. Right. As did we all. Yeah. That's the theme. Oh, life is pointless. Drives the fucking van off a cliff. Actually, fuck it. Why not disassemble?

So Steve Guttenberg, maybe I missed this earlier. He has like a ranch in Montana. Maybe they gave a line to it that he was going to retire to a ranch in Montana. Anyway, has like a ranch in Montana. Maybe they gave a line to it that he was gonna retire to a ranch in Montana. Anyway he has a ranch in Montana he's gonna go move there with all of Ali Shidi's animals and number five except now he's like my name is Johnny Five and um just a beautiful theme song kicks in. Beautiful theme song kicks in. I just recorded the whole thing. I love it so much. We're ending the show on this, by the way.

So if you have anything left to say, say it to the haunting love theme. I want to say that that truck they take off and had enough parts for Johnny to build a whole other robot, another $11 million robot and plenty more. Lot of reasons not to let him drive away. That truck is worth $200 million that they just drove away with. Money means nothing in this movie. He did like a little prestige in the van. He cloned himself as a... This is the GDP of like an entire country.

That they're just letting drive away. That they've exploded several times. I guarantee you... A million dollars would have changed Astoria in the 80s. Give it to the townspeople. There's enough another five pound here to kill the Oregon National Guard. Come and follow me! And you're gonna be dancing too! Your life is deep So whenever I'm lost and I can't follow you And with Maximall in the shell Say Frankfurt Podcast Correct?

Yes! The craft is not trapped, it is not without Send it to the dog's den For an hour Come on, you know the number 1900 1900 Frankfurt Hallelujah

1900 Frankfurt 1900 1900 Frankfurt It's supreme day here on Hot Dog Prime, the day where all hot dog denizens stand tall and proudly salute the heroes who made the ultimate sacrifice in our never-ending meat war against the vile burger race. Aaron Crosston Adrian H Aidan Mouat Alex Nolenberg who held on to a grenade too long.

That's a lesson for you new recruits. If you love something, like a hand grenade, gotta let it go. Alpha Scientist Javo Unandy Armando Nava Benjamin Sironin died from flamethrower wounds received at the Platoon Barbecue, but let the record show his hot dogs were cooked to perfection and in record time. Bim Talzer Brandon Garlok. Brian Saylor. Burrito. Serrell. Chase. Clementi Danger never opened his parachute. He's convinced you don't

take fall damage if you land on the enemy. We applaud the sentiment, even as we mourn the result. Greg Lemoyne. Quavis, Dan B, Daniel Sloane, Devin the Rogue Supreme, David Schull, Dean Costello, Delta Foxtrot found out his own wife was a burger and turned her in without a second thought. Some say he died when the SWAT dogs raided his house. We know it was really a broken heart. Drayson. Dusty's rad title.

Eric Riaw. Every zig. Fancy shark. Gareth tried teen-wolfing a burger tank. Tried. I do dishonor to the man. He teen-wolfed that burger tank. It still counts if you crash it into a lake.

Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his hot witches. Greg Cunningham. Hem-bone. Haraka died from potato poisoning. Just regular old potato poisoning. Wash those potatoes, no job too small. Harvey Benguini. Honk. Jaber Al Aiden. James Borde. Jared Mountain Mad.

Jeff Oreski fatally crashed the Dodge Hyper Challenger he bought with his signing bonus. How many good soldiers will we lose to the dodge hyper challenger? Jim Salter John Dean John McCammon John Minkoff Joseph Searls Josh S Joshua Graves Justin B K&M Komutsus was hollowed out and had his animated corpse used as a honeypot trapped by the burgers.

Remember to wrap those wieners, hot dogs. Kyle Campbell Lisa M. Jahi Chapelle Mark Mahoney Matt Riley butt-dialed an air strike on himself at a gender reveal party. It's a girl, and she's already enlisted to avenge her daddy. Max Beroy Michael Dillon

Michael Lair Mickey Lowman Mike Stiles Moju Mort is actually a burger, who saw the freedoms and benefit packages we offer and was won over. Don't shoot the skinny burger in the long bun, he's on our side. Mr Bob Gray, indeed. Neil Bailey, Neil Shaffer. Neku 104 held a machine gun nest against a 4,000 strong burger horde, only to die of diabetes at this very

awards ceremony. Proper nutrition isn't just a good idea, it's your duty. Ozzy Olu, Patrick Herbst, Rachel, Rhiannon, Sarkovsky hollowed out a sexy burger and climbed inside to use it as a honey pot trap. It worked a little too well, but good initiative, soldier. Sean Chase. Spotty reception. Supernaut.

Ten H. Thomas Kvartos. Timmy Leahy knows if you see two buns, you start shooting. It's a tragedy what happened at that hunk convention, but vigilance is always market price. Tommy G. Velo Booster Waylon Russell Zach and Ava both simultaneously choked to death on Footlongs, but that was one hell of a USO show, wasn't it, dogs?

And finally, Hot Dog Prime hereby posthumously bestows the medal of misguided valor on Sergeant Ken Paisley, who died in a kamikaze run on a burger nest. It turned out it was just an old pizza hut. They're shaped a lot alike. Remember, cadets, if it's flat and cheesy, say pizza-pleasy. If it's beefy and round, you bomb it to the ground.