The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 172, Short Circuit 2 With Tom Reimann

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Seanbaby invites Brockway and Tom Reimann back to discuss a movie they thought they actually loved as children: Short Circuit 2. They fucked up. They fucked up!

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You know the numbers! 1-900 1-900-HOT-DO Dog, the final internet thing. Like websites of days long ago, we have daily articles by talented, funny writers, and you can support us and them on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash 1900Hot Dog. Patrons get all the jokes, discord events with us, and bonus podcasts that, thanks to a year-long Brockway prank on me, are now based entirely around treachery.

I'm the internet's first thing Sean Baby, and my co-host is Prank Weekly's honorable mention yum yum whoopie boy, Robert Brockway. I finally got it. I finally got that honorable mention. I'm Robert Brockway. Here's a Brockway fact. I was also in a gang that a lovable robot tried to join, but unlike some people, we beat that fucker to death

on the spot because we were not traitors to humanity. No follow-up question. No follow-ups, yeah, none from me. Returning this week for a deranged and unnecessary sequel is the podcaster and writer from Gamefully Unemployed, the Steve Guttenberg of our hearts, Tom Ryman. Treachery has won me all of my Yum Yum Whoopie Boy awards.

So it's the only way to get it. It really is. They really they grade on a real curve for treachery that really impresses the judges. If you're not if you're just tuning into this podcast, if you're like, God, finally, they're covering Short Circuit 2, I'm going to give this podcast if you're like, God, finally they're covering short circuit to I'm going to give this podcast a chance. I did enact a year long gaslighting scam along with the entire community on Sean baby. Just it was very strange. I invented a fake game that was terrible and dared him to say something about it. He did, but we kept going anyway. And- Almost immediately, yeah, if I recall.

But we decided to keep it going for a year to try to convince him that everyone in the world loved it, but him, I think we did. It was wonderful. And I got that honorable mention for a yum yum whoopie boy. So guess what? All worth it. Yeah, no, I honestly did just think everyone was fucked up.

I was like, people can like what they like. I'm used to that exact phenomenon of looking around the world and saying, you're all bad. So everybody has a pig face but me. So in a way, it's a gift that this time, this time you were right. We gave that to you. You're welcome. But it adds like a little bit of falseness to all the other times I feel it. Now next time I wake up and think everyone's a robot, I might have to consider maybe they're not.

Yeah, no, it's really, he's given you the gift of never being able to trust anything ever again. Yeah. Yes, like all good pranks. Michael Douglas is the game, everybody. It's the game. Like all good pranks. Michael Douglas is the game, everybody. It makes every day exciting.

But yes, thanks for coming back, Tom. Of course, yeah. Short circuit and short circuit two podcasts. It was a very strange idea and I appreciate you being a part of it. Where can people find more of you? Oh, well, if you'd like you can head over to patreon.com slash gamefully unemployed.

That's the podcast and streaming network I co-run with my friend Dave Bell also from cracked Yeah, a lot of fun. We have a good discord community We do we do movie nights and discord depends as well the all kinds of podcasts exclusive shows We do with small beans network. It's a lot of fun. Check it out You're gonna watch short circuit to with your community because we're not you can have that. Yeah, we may absolutely not do it. I because we're not. You can have that. Yeah. We may.

Absolutely not. Do it. I probably won't ever watch this movie again under any circumstances. No, that's what I'm saying. Like, we made a terrible mistake in what we're doing today. But before we begin, Tom, what's your yesterday? Let me explain. This is a question posed by our friend Daniel O'Brien based on the hit film yesterday.

For instance, mine is Frank Dukes. So if I woke up in a hospital and a nurse said, what's blood sport? The very first thing out of my mouth would be, I shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm the eight time Kuma Te champion. I have the record for fastest kick by a knockout. They said there are no rules against my karate magic and I won the whole thing. They gave me a sword. So you get it. I do. I get it. Yeah. So, what's your answer? What's the universe where you wake up and blank is gone and you thrive? Oh, shit.

I drew some mean Garfield comics when I was in like second or third grade. They were mostly crayon and boogers, but like I feel like I really nailed it. So I feel like if I woke up and nobody knew if I was like, gosh, man, I was in a horrible accident and I hope Garfield creator Jim Davis is still alive. They'd be like, gosh, man, I was in a horrible accident. I hope Garfield creator Jim Davis is still alive. They'd be like, who do you mean? They said, who? What?

Oh, God, I would really be fascinated. No, but I'd be fascinated to see anyone's take on that screenplay. Like what a world would look like without Garfield and Jim Davis. Without Garfield and Jim Davis. Instead of the Beatles lyric that he quotes out of nowhere and he wakes up, you'd just be like, Mondays, am I right?

And they'd be like, Mondays are fine. What are you talking about? And then you'd know. What's a Monday? I have no opinions on Mondays. Everybody just thinks you're a psychopath. No, he loves it, I swear. That's a really strong choice.

That was a kidding choice? You have a serious choice? I thought that was really good. No, I mean, I did draw a lot of my own Garfield comic strips. Man, in terms of like something that I just have the knowledge base, like something that I would be able to yesterday my way through. Sure. It would be something, man, it would probably be like Blink-182 lyrics or like Mortal Kombat.

Oh yeah, to be able to invent Mortal Kombat, I think would be. Like a huge, okay, yeah. I guess that is. That's the same as mine. I mean, that's just Bloodsport. You're just doing a fric-dux. Way more of my mind share has been devoted to Mortal Kombat than Blink-182 lyrics, that's just Bloodsport. You're just doing a fric dux. Way more of my mind share has been devoted

to Mortal Kombat than Blink-182 lyrics, that's for sure. I have an exhaustive knowledge. I do love the idea of going into the universe without Blink-182 and being like, I could be Blink-182 here. Deciding no, you know what? This universe is better without it. I'm just gonna leave that one. I think that would be a more honest version of yesterday, right? Because like a thing that a lot

of movies like that don't get into is the fact that the Beatles were at the right place at the right time. Yeah, that was- Yeah, they don't cover that at all. Very much Blink 182. I do love the the subtle burn that movie did in that all of pop culture and human history would be exactly the same if the Beatles didn't exist. I'd agree it wouldn't. I think that that movie was very dumb. But I think we made that clear in our like 20 hours we talked about that. Yes. Oh, man. I really enjoyed that. It was very dumb. But I think we made that clear in our like 20 hours we talked about that movie. Yes.

Oh man. I really enjoyed that episode. We had fun. I'm fascinated by that movie. Less fascinated by Short Circuit 2, but that's what we all agreed to do today. Yeah, this was a mistake. I want to kind of get something right off the top here. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for saying that Short Circuit 2 was like a big part of my childhood. And that that's the one, that's the really charming one that like, that we should be loving and talking about. I'm really sorry about that. My childhood brain has lied to me for decades. This was all a mistake. Well, I just learned that recently

that you're a terrible liar, but yeah, I knew. I knew. I didn't know. Yeah, so you guys didn't like it, huh? Are you on... are all your notes just like, I love this? No, but I don't feel that much differently about it than I ever have. Oh, I see. No, see, I remembered it being wonderful. Yeah. I don't remember it at all.

It is not wonderful. I remember being really delighted by this movie, yeah for sure and thinking it was funny. I still laughed a few times I'll tell you when I realized my mistake and it was I want to say it was about one second into the movie When the cast popped up and Fisher Stevens got top billing. I was just like, oh. Yeah, that is not a good sign. Oh. I love, oh, I'm sorry. I'll save that for when we're actually talking about the movie.

You had some trivia. Yeah, let's do some trivia. Originally, this was called Short Circuit 2, More Input. They made posters of that, and I think it's cute. But I think they realized they overestimated the cultural impact of Johnny 5's catchphrasing. More input, yeah they really thought that was gonna be phone home. Yeah if you made an ET it'd be home phones back you'd be like okay yeah I get that or

if you made like a Rambo 2 and it was an even better supply of body bags you'd be like fuck yes I remember that. Second blood. Second blood. So anyway they shortened the title to Short Circuit 2. Nothing about input. They changed Fisher Stevens character's name in this. In the first movie, he was Ben Jabatouya. And now it's Javeri, or Javeri, which means jeweler, which is a thing that isn't his job. So it's not a pun or a reference. It's just a quiet undoing of a dumb fucking joke.

It's not a pun or a reference, it's just a quiet undoing of a dumb fucking joke. It's like trimming a little bit of the racism off of this horribly racist minstrel character. It's like a leaf. I would argue it's not even the racist part. It's seeing like an out of control shrub and walking up and picking like one leaf off of it and being like, got it! Right, it's a lateral move. It's like seeing a guy in blackface and saying, could we add roller skates?

Does that make it better? Yes. Actually. Yeah, it might. This came out around the same time as Willow and some theaters bundled these two together so you could pay one ticket price and see both for just a real mediocre.

What a day of adventure. I loved Willow, man. Now you're getting, now you're stabbing me in the heart. I've seen Willow more recently. Willow holds up better. It's not so bad, but I remember being disappointed hoping Willow would be like the next, you know, Star Wars or whatever. So was George Lucas. It's fine.

So is everybody that starred in whatever that show was. It's a fine movie. Kevin Pollock wears a mouse that he killed with his own hands. Pretty good. Yeah, I did like that part. The series wasn't as bad. I don't know if you watched the series. The series is kind of fascinating.

I did. It's fucking gone. You can't watch it anymore. Yeah, it's gone. They erased it. It was only on the network for like two months. It was a really schizophrenic thing. Like it was Willow and you're kind of like, this feels like the old movie.

But then they had these enemies that were really dark. Like these like weird fetish demon monsters would fight Willow and his like ragtag group of fun loving pals. And then they would run away from the invincible death monsters from Hellraiser. And then it would play like, like pop punk while they're escaping. It was just like you couldn't find the tone of the show. Oh, wow. I mean, the original is kind of dark too, but they kind of I think they threaded the needle more.

But I don't think they played much pop punk on the. No, there's very little simple plan. Yeah. You need more good Charlotte and Blink-182 for sure. It's more trivia. Steve Gutenberg is out because they asked him to commit before they had a script. And he said no, and he did the cocoon sequel instead, which, as Brockway mentioned, meant Fisher Stevens got top billing.

The regrettable racist stereotype Let's you know you're in trouble the first second of the movie did they battle it out of the box office was cocooned to and This in I think it was in theaters in yeah, it was right around the same time. I don't know how successful I didn't look it up. Oh, man, but Steve wasn't the only one who didn't come back the director John bad ham He said no, so they got a much worse ham, Kenneth Johnson. He was a TV writer who directed a few Incredible Hulk and Bionic Woman episodes. They're fine, but this project was maybe beyond his means. Ali Shidi didn't come back. Basically everyone except Fisher Stevens said no. And years later, he actually said he specifically regretted it. So, uh, that's...

That's your movie. Did you regret your movie? Good! No, weirdly enough. After watching this movie, good. You should regret doing this movie. So, that's most of my trivia. You specifically should regret doing this movie. Yeah, it was a terrible mistake.

Everyone suck, aren't they? That's most of my trivia. You specifically should regret. It was a terrible mistake. Everyone suck, I'm like. I picked up one that I meant to mention last time. These movies, both the first one and the second one, maybe I did mention last time, was it by the guys who wrote Tremors? Yeah. They did get the same writers for this movie.

I don't think he did. So they also wrote Heart and Souls, Wild Wild West, and Ghost Dad. Man, just just the one miss. Really? Yeah, just the one miss. Ghost Dad. They've also written the entirety of the Tremors series every single one. I'm going to stick with it. Just the one miss. Just just just short circuit.

Let's not do a Ghost Dad podcast, by the way. Fisher Stevens is selling Johnny Five replicas on the fast streets of Toronto. I think it's supposed to be New York. It's supposed to be New York and Los Angeles, but it's obviously Toronto in many scenes. So he's, he's got little knockoff good stand next to Michael McKeon. And it kind of looks hilariously illegal now. But I do sort of remember in the 80s, you could just plop down a table on the sidewalk and be like this is my illicit Good storefront now and like that was something you could do I don't remember if it was true or not, but I remember seeing it right a lot of movies Yeah, people would just do it in Times Square

Like okay, he's selling these tiny robots, right? First of all, it's crazy that they're like, where do we take this story from here? He's a homeless robotics ronin in the 1980s. Nobody has any use for that kind of skill. I just love that he's selling these tiny robots that are almost autonomous, almost sentient. They have little personalities. They're navigating the world around them in a way that they still don't to this day. People in the 1980s would have fucking, they would have thought it was a robot invasion. They would have thought it was the Russians. Like immediate panic in the streets if you see that little dude and nobody gives a shit.

It's crazy. It's a crazy way to open a movie. Yeah, I do love that it begins with Ben who was an engineer that built a self-aware robot for the military He's like selling RC cars on Hollywood Boulevard now. What the hell happened to your life? He must have sexually harassed every single person he met to be at this place in his life in the 1980s You'd still do it like that's all we see him do in both movies The whole opening credits is actually one of his stupid robots escaping and he's like baby's day outing through this department store. Like, I don't know why they did any of it. It's really confusing to me because I don't remember this movie from when I was a kid. So I was like, Oh my god, is this movie about a tiny Johnny Five?

But no, right? It seems to be indicating that it's about the like, it's going to be Oh, a tiny one is going to come to life. Can we pause here and just think about what a better movie and what a better sequel in general would have been if all Of those little dudes came to life and had like a gremlin scenario a gremlins 2 scenario where they have different Different personalities. It's kind of the obvious thing to do right like it's the second. I saw it I'm like, okay, I'm pretty sure that doesn't happen in this movie, but why not? Such a better movie.

This movie is a big pile of shit. We should like make that. Yes, yes, that is. I also like that he still built the little versions with the, the little ones still have the laser guns on their back. Right. And nobody reacts. Like, did he just scale all of it down?

So is that still a working laser? 100%. Like, it's still fully autonomous in getting, like, navigating its surroundings. It's got a little personality, like, yeah, yeah, they just haven't been struck by lightning. Otherwise, this is a $1.1 million robot, each of these these and he's selling them at such a loss. Let's get these together and Jamie Foxx them. Just shove them into a tank of electric eels. They'll all be alive.

They'll all get little personalities. We'll do Gremlins 2. Everyone will be happy. I would have loved this movie so much more if they just went full Gremlins 2. They do. It is kind of a Gremlins plot in that like our main hero, heroine is like, like sort of this misunderstood craftsman. Like she's supposed to be making high tech gadgets, but she's making like like fucking Spencer's Gifts bullshit.

Like she she has like a hat that claps her whole life. And her boss is like, we don't her whole life. It's a Spencer's Gifts. It's it's the least likable character. I've ever seen And that's between a man Yes, she steals the show on that one just like wow if this is your manic pixie dream girl No, thank you and this was kind of an 80s thing where like this if if you were a free spirit, like you kind of just had license to do whatever you wanted. Because I have to say if I'm running a company that sells high tech gadgets, like we're

selling sharper image, like meat thermometers or whatever. And I go into this woman's office and she's got a baseball trucker hat that with clapping hands this is like, you know, fart judge number one or whatever the fuck. I'm I mean, I'm fine. I'm firing her like that's not what you're here for plus that's like thousands of dollars of development like that clapping hat What how did you make that? Did we fucking? Did we fucking manufacture that did you call the factory and have them one of the things she's trying to sell them is like The little wind up teeth that chatter.

Like, you did not invent that, madam. Look, boss, I invented this. You're fired. You're fucking up everybody's work day. She just brings in a Mr. Bucket. Look, could I invent it? What the hell is wrong with you? But yeah, you're right. Like every toy, like they treat it as, movies used to do this where it was like, because a person is quirky or off the beaten path, a left of center, it's like, oh, they're just a misunderstood genius.

But like her ideas are visibly bad. Why? Objectively bad toys. These toys will not sell. And her next idea is the Johnny five, the mini Johnny five is rampaging through her office. And she sees it and says, oh, that. And then she runs outside to the sidewalk and finds the horny racist.

And she's like, I want a thousand of these things. And he's like, oh, I want to fucking lick the bath water out of your mouth. And she's like, OK, cool. Let's work together. lick the bath water out of your mouth and she's like, okay, cool. Let's work together. To be fair, that's kind of accurate to to why she has bath water in her mouth.

I should have I should have pre written something coherent. But the point is, he's a leering sex pest. You know, she's one of those bathtub bellicons. It's part of his fetish. Like, I want you to drink your own bath water. I know it's my weird sick little thing. But I'm the guy doing the Indian accent. Like, you know I'm a little freak. Yeah.

So the plot plots laid out. That's what they should have done in this movie. They should have done the South Park thing where they reveal he's a white man in breath. I don't know how they'd squeeze it in the movies already what nine hours long. They'd never be able to find time to trim fat to make room for them. Okay, the plot is laid out in it. I wrote in my notes a very dumb and jokeless way. Like, I'm just frustrated by how so much exposition is happening and not one person has tried to be funny. I don't know if this is just like, God, I don't know, like, was this funny in the 80s? Or even whimsical? It's just frustrating to me. But he and Michael McKeon now are working together and make 1000 Johnny fives in one month. Yeah, they're working together just because it's Michael McKeon is some guy standing next to him on the street who just inserts himself into the middle of his negotiation. And then Ben's just like, okay, we're partners. Yeah. This guy is gonna stab you. Yeah, he talks too fast. I guess sort of the theme of the movie is like that nobody can tell when other people are lying. Fisher Stevens and Johnny Five like, can't navigate this world of deceit, much like me on a podcast with Robert Brockway. So there's a, there's a-

Don't, don't, come on. I, let's pause here. Did you really mean to call me Fisher Stevens? No, no, no. You're the, you're Toronto. You're the, you're the main streets of Toronto and I'm Fisher Stevens. Okay.

Okay. You're more like Los Locos. Yes. Okay, I'll take that. You're the one talking of Toronto and I'm Fisher Stevens. Okay. You're more like Los Locos. Yes. Okay, I'll take that. You're the one talking me into stealing car stereos and I'm like, cool, I'm the car stereo inspector. Right away, sir.

There's a fancy boss hog guy and he's storing super diamonds in a bank vault and you're like, what the fuck am I looking at? What the shit? Where did the super diamonds come from? Why does this have to be about super diamonds? A German dude who sounds like he's been overdubbed by Seth MacFarlane with a fucking valise full of ultra diamonds. You're like, okay, movie.

And then it turns out Michael McKeon gets the front money for the manufacturing from a knee-breaking mob boss, and they rent a condemned building filled with hobos who are going to, they're going to employ them in the sweatshop. And then there's heisters in the tunnel of that building and they're going to tunnel into the bank for the super diamonds. So it's all tied together. I just wanted to pause real quick about the leg breaking gangster. He's getting in deep to borrow this money from this terrifying gangster for their startup. They're getting $50,000 from this.

He's getting in deep with the fucking ice pick for 25 grand, basically. He's going to get $25,000 out of this deal. Yeah. He's risking it all for 25 grand, which is like 37 grand in today's money. It's like a pickup truck. Like a used pickup truck. for 25 grand, which is like 37 grand in today's money. It's like a pickup truck. Like a used pickup truck. Risking it all for a used truck. And so much of it, like I would say 100% of the risk

is whether or not Fisher Stevens can execute on a plan he's already said is quite impossible. So he's- Right. He's like- The negotiations began with him saying that this timetable is not feasible. As long as this idiot Rube does the impossible... The thing he specifically said he could not do. Is suicide by mob a thing?

Like suicide by cop? I think we're seeing it. I mean, Johnny Five almost commits suicide by three-card Monte dealer later, so. I took an audio clip of that. I really liked that guy. But anyway, the Heisters come back with masks on, and they trash all of their equipment. And all the homeless sweatshop workers are like, oh, this is too scary. We don't want to get hit by a crowbar, so we're leaving. Someone drops off a giant crate, and it contains Johnny Five!

Because this movie is just an avalanche of plot. He's there to help them build toy robots because somehow Ali Shidi in Montana heard about this scheme and mailed them Johnny Five. Yeah, somehow she knew the address of the rundown warehouse where 17 unsolved murders took place. Do you think you could ship that thousand pound robot in that giant crate with caution signs all over it for less than the 50 grand that they're going to make?

Absolutely not. Plus, I think he... Plus, they didn't cargo ship it. He flew there. He says that he went to the airport and they're like, oh, you can't sit in a chair. You're a robot. You have to fly in cargo. Did they check him?

He weighs a thousand pounds. But ignore what I just said about him going like going to an airport and talking to a fucking clerk, because there's a sudden plot complication that if he finds out he's in a city, he will go input crazy and run into the city and just like look at things. So now they have to make sure like a bad plan. They have to make sure he cannot go outside or even know there isn't outside. Yeah, that makes sense. Cause like input is robot sex. Yeah, they have to make sure he cannot go outside or even know there isn't outside. Yeah, that makes sense,

because input is robot sex, and the robot is whine. Absolutely. So if he realizes he's in a city, he's gonna run out and go fuck blind. Fuck blind on facts. That would have been a good subtitle for the movie. Short Circa 2, Fuck Blind.

Short Circa 2. Fuck blind in Toronto. His heartwarming catchphrase from the original film. I think that's what more input means in Toronto. His heart warming catchphrase from the original book. I think that's what more input means in context. Fuck blind. Okay, so there's this scene where they show how quickly this fucking robot can manufacture a tiny version of himself. And this is-

Right, he does it in like 30 seconds. It's not very fast, right? Like he assembles four parts and he has like a power driver on his hand. It's like, Oh, wow, you screwed that screw in pretty fast, but not like, inhumanly fast. Like those hobos were just on his tail. It's this reminds me of that scene in Catwoman where they try to show Catwoman's really good at basketball. And she just kind of like, shifts the ball from one hand to the other. And everyone's like,

What the fuck is she doing? It really, it really feels like someone, the script called for this to be very impressive and like, no one could figure out how to do that. I think it's just that he has to beat the reliability of unpaid hobos. Right. I'd say he does that. Kind of, but he does escape this, the moment he understands he's in a city, he just runs away. Yeah, he doesn't do it. You would have been better off, like every time a robot takes a human job, you would have been better off hiring Mahobo. Well, see, I think he's stealing time.

I think he's stealing wages because they show McKeon and Ben fall asleep, and Johnny Five wakes him up the next morning. So he's worked all day making these robots and they're surrounded by robots. He made one in 30 seconds. So that's, he should have been able to make a thousand in a single workday in like eight or nine hours. So the fact that he didn't make a thousand after working all through the night for eight or nine hours means that he fucked around for about five or six

of those hours. He's not a good robot. I think that's what we know. He's a bad robot. Like, we've got that specifically from the last. He does. He almost drove a van into the ocean. And he cried. He killed a cricket and almost drove a van off a cliff. That's the. That was his response to. He did turn some robots into the three stooges. He had quite an adventure into the Three Stooges. He had quite an adventure in the first movie. And he's been upgraded. He has 500 megabytes

of memory now, which is one of those like, ha ha, we live in the future. That's what a stupid robot by today's standards. But he can also has like a remote control antenna that can control kind of anything. Yeah, that's the big power creep is also I control all machines. Okay, so humanities, right? Yeah, we can't do anything about this. Right. He became Ultron in between the two movies. But he's also taken on like sort of a haunting aura because he watches Mr. Rogers, and he learns about the concept of ventriloquism. And he just the way he looks at that. I'm like, well, I don't like this at all.

That's all I have in my notes is like, they, they should have kept him from this input. Yeah, it's exactly like the three stooges moment. Like that's the that's the moment in this movie where you could pivot this all to horror and it would work. Perfect. They do they do a moment later when he's tearing apart the bookstore. Well, later on after that actually, cause he gets two books and he's like,

these are important and later you see what they are and it's Frankenstein and Pachinko. It's like, oh, this movie could have gone real dark. Just destroy them on the spot right there. It's too late. Nope, robot reading that. They can't be allowed to continue living. Rip that thing's head off.

Why keep my trusty robot shotgun? Like if anything, if there was ever a reason. Wait, that's later. When a man is chasing him down the street with an ax. I just remember that. Yeah, we are all that man. I'm saying that was correct. This movie is awesome.

It was correct, but that should have happened now. Like as soon as they saw him watching Pinocchio, it should have smashed cut to Fisher Stevens chasing him around with an ax. Like that should have happened now. Like as soon as they saw him watching Pinocchio, it should have smashed cut to Fisher Stevens chasing him around with an ax. Like that should have been the movie. It just smashed cuts to him and Michael McKean wordlessly putting piece after piece into the garbage disposal.

Yep, that was a mistake. I feel like here the movie wanted to do like a classic fish out of water comedy. So they had Johnny 5 go outside and do like a gaping tourist bit but like it's just nothing. Instead of like a lot of bits he's kind of good at three card money and then he joins a gang and I have a clip of this. It's really fantastic. This is Johnny 5 on the streets.

Hey, what the hell am I looking at here, huh? Look, it's a droid! Kiss off, you bug-eyed geek! Come on! Johnny 5 on the streets. Los Locos kick your ass! Los Locos kick your face! Los Locos kick your balls into outer space! Okay, so he immediately meets the people he could learn the most from. Right. On Earth. He, uh, learns the three-card Monte guy, and then he learns the car stereo stealing from the Los Locos, who have their own little cheerleader cheer. So that cheerleader cheer has lived in my head for decades. Yep. To the point that that here's here's how I remember this movie. I remembered this movie.

If you would have asked me before watching, I would have said, yeah, Short Circuit 2, that's the one where he joins the gang and they he like they try they kind of corrupt him, but then he teaches them morality and they all come together and stop some sort of diamond heist or something. Right. And that's Rumble in the Bronx is what I thought this was. I crossed it with Rumble in the Bronx and that's why I thought it was charming in my head. Holy shit, they should swap stars.

Again, that would have been... With Jackie in was charming. Holy shit. In my head. They should swap stars. Again, that would have been- With Jackie in short circuit. Fuck yeah. With that robot and Rumble in the Bronx. Jackie, we need you to assemble a thousand tiny Jackie Chan's, okay. And it would look amazing. He'd be like putting them together with his feet.

Like in a cartoonish slapstick way. He'd like trip over a broom and assemble one. But no, that was it. That was it for the gang. This is all there in the movie. And I was so, I kept waiting like, okay, they come back at the end, they help him in the final chasing.

No, they don't. My brain was just inserting a much better movie, which is to say Rumble in the Bronx. Like maybe Shaq was in there somewhere. Just- I had the exact same memory of this movie. Did you? Okay. Yeah, I remembered the I had the exact same memory of this movie. Did you OK? Yeah, I remember I remembered the main thrust of the movie

being him joining that game. Yeah, that's it. It's a single scene. It's like 10 seconds. It's like a 15 second scene. It's so short. What bothers me is that they have that little chant like a second grade soccer team.

But that's what he takes with him. But I thought that other guy had the better catchphrase the one that goes get out of my face out of my face Did use that yeah, I mean he gets he starts doing more of the like predator Repeating back humanity at the worst possible time Did you guys notice some quote, the church lady? Yes! When he was building the robots? And the John Lovett's liar character. Like that's Morgan Fairchild's my wife, that's a ticket.

Like, god damn this sucks. Again, right there, destroy it. Destroy it on the spot. They can't know about John Lovett's liar character. He like reads the Hound of the Bastard Villes in two seconds and then stops in the middle to correctly guess the murderer halfway through. And so we as the viewer are like, is he smart or is he dumb?

But here he is like... I'm pretty sure I figured that out too when I was eight. Sure. But it shows that he has guile and foresight and deduction skills. And here's like obvious criminals saying, let's steal all these car stereos and he's like cool gang I'm I'm Car stereo inspector now and I'm just like I don't know I hate when a movie like can't keep it straight whether they're get whether guys a fucking idiot or like a super smart robot

That's just a pet. Yeah, but they literally Repeat this exact yes for beats scene later in the movie and he does not learn. It's very frustrating. Like it's weird that like later on he's writing a letter to Ali Shidi and Steve Gutenberg and he talks about he's gonna include something called a chili dog in his letter to them. So he's stuffing a fucking hot dog in the mail. So we have a robot that's quoting commercials and the honeymooners and like to the minute SNL sketches of 1988, but he doesn't know you don't put a hot dog in the mail?

What the fuck is this robot? What did they program him to do? He's good at fighting because when the heist just come back, he completely fucks him up, no problem. Saying zany nonsense things With his eyes turned demon red. Yes More disconcerting. I think than if he was saying mean things to them his eyes go like murder red Yeah, he's doing like a Dan Aykroyd doing an improv Robin Williams scene. It's like really it

Impressively terrible like he's like really impressively terrible. Like he's saying shit like, return your seats to the upright positions, call them out. Not available in Tennessee. Just like, what the fuck has it ever in the history of mankind ever fucking made anyone laugh? It's in like 50 movies in the eighties. Like a character will just start saying shit like that.

And I remember being like five years old and thinking like, I'm too old for this. Who is this for? That motor mouth guy got famous too. It's the Micro Machines guy. Yeah. Like, I don't know. Like I think it's like Robin Williams does it. We're like, that's about all we can take.

Yeah. Yeah. He can do this. We will allow. He may do this. One of these people. Two pages of the script must have just said, dumb shit happens and continues. It's just really.

It's just like dumb shit happens, parenthetical, continuous. So now Michael McKeon realizes that the fucking magical living robot is worth money. So he decides to sell Johnny five. It's also like the sixth time he's been told this. Yes. Finally, finally dawns on him that there might be

an opportunity for money in the priceless robot. See, I like the numbers there. Cause he says in that scene, like, what is he worth? Half a million dollars. That's not enough for him to turn trader on the robot. Half a million dollars to this man that is risking his life for $25,000. 25 grand? Like the half a million, if your character was going to do that, is absolutely enough to convince you to betray this terrible, terrible, annoying robot.

But only when he finds out, oh my God, he's worth $11 million, which is, I don't know, 100 million dollars in 1980s money. Only then, only then, it's like, that's it. That's enough to overcome my friendship. His friendship is worth a lot. His friendship was worth more than 500,000, but less than 11 million dollars. That's true. That's pretty good. I can't say I wouldn't have turned on Ben after knowing him for 48 hours if the opportunity to make 500 grand fell to my left. I absolutely would have sold that obnoxious fucking robot the first time it started doing the Robin Williams impression.

I'd be like, this thing's busted. I'm selling it. Yeah. I think we got a broken one. Send it back to your friends. We're now at the, I guess, the bookstore. He goes in the bookstore and he just completely trashes the place. He reads every book in the place, and when he's done, he throws it on the fucking floor. He just goon and all over the library. Yeah. And then of course, he takes the two very haunting

books. He's he now the heisters come back to the warehouse, but Johnny five has like, Home Alone to the place. So they get like, launched out of the place and a big loudspeaker comes on like, look at the criminals, everybody look at the criminals, but like nobody cares. This is not nobody to arrest them. Because it's RoboCops Detroit, which is also Los Angeles, New York in Toronto, Canada. Yes. Johnny five is being sold to the robotics company. And he

figures it out in the middle of the meeting like, wait hold on you guys fucking selling is this a meeting for you to sell me and he panics and just backs out the window falling from a skyscraper he has a hang glider oh man one of his upgrades yeah he does he yes that's that's that go-go gadget shit yeah that immediately like my heart sank and I was like oh no this piece of my childhood was wrong. I built a small piece of my personality on a lie. I mean, him backing through the window, I think you were right.

You were right to lock this movie in your heart because him flying out the window is pretty incredible. I do wonder what happened to him previously that made him realize he needed to carry a hang glider? Yeah. It's a nice window he's backed down. It's a nice kick in like sport hang glider too. I mean, it was right there for a parachute.

He's a military robot. In the first movie, they say, like, where he's designed to drop him behind enemy lines and he'll parachute in and then take the bomb in. He's not designed to have like a tourist hang glider. I don't know, maybe he replaced the parachute with a hang glider. Maybe he has both. They want to zip line.

I have in my notes, I truly don't care if he falls. Like I really, you know, whatever, I'm cynic, I hate the movie, but I'm also like as a viewer, just objectively, I have no reason to want this robot to live fuck him in this in this scene When he starts backing up Like to paint it correctly. Nobody's chasing him and the security guards aren't haven't turned on him He just realizes like oh, I don't want to be in this meeting

So he jams on reverse at top speed at like 15 miles an hour and just keeps it floored until he flies out a window I want to say 100 feet away like this robot that's an insane decision this robot wanted to die I think it wants to die he changed his mind but for for at least a minute there he wanted to die I mean that is our I think that's our right is thinking beings as to uh is to want to live at the last possible minute but still you, you know, I have to have some dark thoughts. I just think he's having those dark thoughts. Sometimes you want to brush lips with oblivion, but not go in for the whole smooch. The movie does get very miserable here because Johnny Fieb goes to like a sculpture area. If he had fallen, maybe he could have just landed on Ben and that would have just been the end of the movie.

What a great ending that would be. Yep. Just final destinations in. Wait, here's my pitch. He falls, he hits the street, he explodes into 12 smaller Johnny Fives and we have a Gremlins 2 scenario. We're back, we're back, baby. The perfect movie's back. The movie's back on track. So, it's almost like the movie heard me when I said I didn't care if he fell because the next part he does pose next to some sculptures and a lady walks up and says, this is a repulsive piece of shit garbage ugly thing. And he like is truly hurt by it.

It warms him. is truly hurt by it. It wants to. One offhanded comment about his appearance and he's like, I'm worthless, this poor robot. They don't make robot drugs for this. Yeah, he has to live with that. And to make it even more miserable, Fisher Stevens is now going to the office to meet with the lady that, like his business contact, but not to like check in about

how things are going. He's just there to like sexually assault her like to just like a child might like he's just like, I am here to honk your titties. And she he's so bad at him to sniff your hair. Yeah, it's just just any pair of your underpants, I'll take. She can't even tell what's going on. He's so bad at it, she's like, unaware that he's hitting on her. Right. She can't conceive that he would be here for any other reason than their business agreement. Right. Because why should she? I don't know. We can't possibly root for the romance because he's stalking Why should she? I don't know, like we can't possibly root for the romance because he's stalking a woman

he's working for. Also he's going to come the first moment he touches a woman and then hunt her for the rest of her life. Every moment he's not in jail. Which will not be long. Like that's right. I'm going to follow him around the world like the shark from Jaws the Revenge. He's in charge of top secret battle robots and can manufacture tiny ones for less than

$20. She is not gonna live That's not gonna be a long hunt. He's that's not hard target She's gonna be under constant surveillance for the rest of her life every boyfriend She ever gets from now and forever will be mysteriously torn apart by robots Or they will be seven robots in a trench coat. That's true Johnny five gets arrested while just saying random shit from TV shows and board games. And his brain is vomiting everything it's ever seen as it like dies in the middle of his like his brain is stroking itself. Like he's just spitting out random shit.

In this universe, say, that everybody understood and accepts that he was a living robot and that living robots exist, you would still arrest this one for being just fucking crazy and on the street. Like he's danger to himself. For all the crimes. Yeah. And the police chief is over it. Like he is so over the magic of this living robot, he's like, get it out of here.

Throw out the trash, I don't care. Put it in the fucking locker. They do care. Put it in the fucking lockup. They do, they put it in the stow-up goods. In the garbage chute we put the batteries not included robots in, just put it right in there. They put them in with bikers. It's so embarrassing, it's just like the sad robot in a basement reading Pinocchio and Frankenstein. Can you imagine watching this in Willow on the same day?

This child's puppet is being dragged into lockup. So Fisher and the robot are trying to decode its emotions because it's like not only alive now, it's trying to process sadness and rejection. But Fisher Stevens is an idiot and his only emotion is horny. And so he just confesses undying love for the for the rookie consumer goods rep that he has had two business meetings with. And apparently the second woman he's met in his life because in the first movie, he goes, you are a woman to Ali Shidi. So anyway, Johnny five offers to help him get laid. And so now we have a surrounded Bershia thing and and it's damn this movie probably it might be throw out any ideas. Yeah, this might be the worst trope that that could be and I think surrounded Bershia is really overdone and this might be the worst trope that that could be. And I think someone at the Bergerac is really overdone. And this might be the worst version of it.

So I think that's why I loved it. Sure, sure, sure. When they started doing it, I'm like, oh, my God. They're not going to do fucking cyber to Bergerac. Are they? And then they did. And I was like, God damn it. I'll buckle in for this this exact scene. I know how it's going to go. You're's gonna start going well something's gonna add a complication It's gonna go disastrous But I thought they took a bold direction by having it be insane and disastrous from the very first line

Right like there is never a point where this is going well. He Why would you ever think that the robot would know relationship, right? That's what that's what the audience is thinking. And then we're thinking, oh, but he's going to have some surprisingly deep take. No, he just starts spouting like insane commercials and like shit he read from like 50s magazines. Right. He makes he makes Fisher Stevens look like a fucking maniac from the first word. And then they have they have Sandy, the love interest, also be like, are you a fucking maniac?

What is happening? Like, that was a great scene. Yeah, and she's kind of trying to talk about work. I don't think she knows it's a date. She's like, yeah, how's the robots coming? He's just vomiting all this strangeness. He like stops the bus. They engineered this.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the rest of your life, lady. Machines mysteriously failing. She has no idea that she that failing ambushed into a day. Yes. Yeah, they stopped the bus. So so he can bump pretend to bump into her as she's getting off the disabled bus. Vehicles just keep mysteriously dying around. And every time she shows up, really explain the whole thing. And then he takes over a

billboard and he's feeding him lines through a billboard behind her. And then a cat comes and like hits him. And that fucks him all up. So now he's feeding him diarrhea ads. And he's like, here's the copy from a diarrhea ad. And she's like, what? And it's all just like, like weird and jokeless, except for like, the zaniness of that of just like The wrongness of it. Right and then he tells her her mother sleeps with dogs in Spanish Because Johnny five starts talking shit to like a guy selling balloons on the street Who is not Latino like there's no reason for Johnny five to assume this guy speaks Spanish So that's because of his gang cred. Oh, that's gotta be it, right? The Los Locos must have taught him some awesome slang. Anyway, she speaks Spanish well enough to understand him. She's like, you are saying my mom sleeps with dogs.

And then he's like, comes clean. Dude, I'm sorry, I'm having a robot feed me these lines so I can impress you. And she's like, aw. Just real quick, I love the idea that the Johnny Five probably knows like some terrifying fucking threat that this gang was making to our people. He just has no idea what it means.

He definitely knows how to tell people to fuck their mothers. Right. Just some haunting thing. There's another weird thing where they want to go to a second location and they can't get a cab, but not in a racist way. They don't see Fisher Stevens say, I'm not picking up that guy. They're just completely oblivious to the people who want cabs.

So Johnny five, because he's a white man. They see him and they're like, oh, that's a white guy doing it. I'm not picking up the brown face guy. Fuck that. So Johnny five Magno lasso is a cab. Just grabs it off the street and pulls it back tires squealing. And he's like, and he the driver does seem to be confused that he's in a cab. Like you're right. Yeah. It's just like I love taxis and that's great because the second he he Magno lasso is the cab. That guy stomps on the gas Yes, like he is fucking terrified like he looked in his rear-view mirror and saw this robot monstrosity

Reeling him in like a fish and was just like god help help help Like he is trying to do a hundred miles an hour out of there. You can tell that's panic. That's great. No escape Give me your skin. You can't have red meat. So Fisher Stevens and Michael McKean are now kidnapped so they can blackmail the robot into helping them dig a tunnel to steal the diamonds. Which is unnecessary because they end up saying to the robot, hey, go dig that tunnel. You're our friend. And he just immediately starts punching through the foot punching towards the tunnel towards the bank which is Word for word the scam the gang ran on they said you've got a you've got to steal these because we're friends And it's actually our job to take this and that's what Oscar the the bank villain tells him is like

Oh, it's it's actually to it's my job to own this like a little vault thing and you've gotta, you're my friend, you gotta help me. So he didn't learn fucking jack shit from the one tragedy he's experienced. Right. You put you put down that Pinocchio book, you didn't learn anything from it. Yeah, they still can't detect a lot a single lie. God, what do we have now? Fisher Stevens has to explain to Michael McKeon this late in the movie that the robot's alive while they're in a chicken freezer. And again, this is like the sixth or seventh time at this point. Yeah, it's like, come the fuck on. Fisher Stevens has stood up the girl, Sandy, who's like waiting for him on their second date. And he builds a phone out of a calculator to like, send touch

tone songs to her answering machine. Now I know this sounds crazy. But that's the movie. Go on. So so she so so she checks her answering machine later. And she's got like, help me Rhonda, just the beep beep boop boop beep boop boop boop. And she's like, wait, what the fuck is this help me Rhonda. Now the beep. Beep boop boop boop boop boop boop. And she's like, wait, what the fuck, is this help me Rhonda? Now she has no reason to believe he's captured. She's only had one date with this guy

and two business meetings he's eaten. Pervert who uses a diarrhea robot to try to hit on her. I guess I'm summing that up well enough. So she would just think this is a really strange stalking method. Like, oh, this fucking creep is sending me love songs on my answering machine, like it's cute. Yeah. Okay. Also, she has no reason to believe it's him.

Sure. Yeah. They, um... Well, they both like classic American rock and roll. In the 1980s, there's only, there's only two people. Right. A very unusual one. That share that love. Yeah. So she takes the answering machine with all these songs on it and finds a cab driver from Ukraine who also loves doo-wop shit from the 50s and 60s. And who also can identify it by a terrible

MIDI calculator cover, which I feel like is a very specific skill. Yeah, very unique skill. Perhaps we have that skill set more these days, but in the 1980s, maybe not. It adds an additional layer of difficulty. And so instead of preloading this in her brain and saying, here are the songs, they're playing it in real time. So they're like, oh, Broadway, we got to turn on Broadway. And then 16 Candles through beeps, they're like, oh, now we have that that that that Oh, that's Broadway. We got to turn on Broadway and then 16 candles through beeps. They're like, oh, now we have to turn on 16th Street. Like, there's a high probability they're going to miss the

turn while they are trying to decode the song. Anyway, they they find the Chinese restaurant that they're trapped in based on like five MIDIi songs. Oh, where the fuck are we now? Johnny steals the jewels. Davis, everyone else has escaped. Kind of everyone is chasing everyone. The cops, I think, want to arrest every character at this point for really valid reasons. They're just trying to put a stop to this.

I never thought I'd be rooting for the NYPD. But God damn it. Yeah. You're not, it's the Toronto PD. Right, rooting for the NYPD. But god damn it. Yeah, you're not. It's the Toronto PD. Right, it's the Toronto PD. The Mounties. Johnny-Five realizes he has helped the bad guys steal the jewels and so now he's like, I've got to stop them.

But they're like, well, we have a 1984 Dodge Aries. You cannot deal with this military robot. So he's like, completely fucked. They get out. They start chasing with an ax and Johnny Five like. Just a man in a full sprint. Down to the middle of the day, chasing this robot with an ax raised over his head

like a cartoon murderer. Incredible. It's like a cartoon murderer. Incredible. It's like a jackass stunt. Johnny-Five, while he's being chased, goes around the corner and climbs a tree and then descends from it like a spider and grabs the bad guy and he uses the robot's lack of knowledge of pig latin to say, circle around behind me and hit the robot with a stick. And they do. And it works. And then they beat him to death in.

I just don't stop the life of Johnny. Fluids and parts spray. I read an old review where Gene Siskel said that he felt really bad. Like, he praised the movie because because of the emotional feelings he got from Watching Johnny five get mutilated to death He's sitting there watching this scene like yeah, this really speaks to me. Yeah So okay, this is he's done, right? But no, he can he can control any machine So he he controls two nearby remote control planes and then they come flying flying by in the back. He's like, What the fuck?

It's a toy plane. We gotta get out of here. One of them hits him full speed right in the ass. Like this got to be the worst case scenario. It bounces right off his ass. He's like, Oh, that kind of hurt. And yet they still knowing that's the worst consequence available to them, flee for their lives. Get over how savagely they beat Johnny Pott. Like they have no reason to hate him. He dug their loot tunnel for them.

Well, here's- They fucking, they beat him like the American history X beating. It's like- Yeah, they curb stopped him. It's like a heel turn in wrestling. It's like the slaughter burn- January 6th, that fucking guy.

Bite the curb with your little digital light mouth. Put the digital light mouth on the curb. Put your beep boops on the curb. They said, the whole time they're doing this, they're like, we have to get him. We have to run through New York City with an ax over our heads, just in the most obvious, I wanna get arrested way possible,

because he's a witness who can identify us. But they just kidnapped with their faces being shown, they kidnapped Fisher, Stephen and Michael McKean and put them in a freezer potentially to die, I guess. They probably would have died. That's not a problem. They do seem to be actively dying. It's probably also a crime in Toronto to kill a robot with an axe.

There's something on the books for that, I imagine. Well, I mean, if you explain to the cops that you saw him reading Pinocchio in Frankenstein, I think they'd understand. Yeah. If you told them it was quoting commercials at you. It's doing Robin Williams. It's doing Robin Williams.

The cop takes the axe from you and starts hitting the robot. I can't prove it, but I'm pretty sure he learned some things from the three suges. They'd be like, yeah, you're right. Get out of here. Here's your medal, your hero. So where are we at now? He kind of puts himself together. They have a long thing where like he and Michael McKean break into a radio shack and like

they do like a whole who's on first to be like, he and Michael McKeon break into a radio shack and like, they do like a whole who's on first to be like, how do I fix you? And he's like, but but but I'm just, it goes on for so long, more confusing than it needs to be. And he finally is just like, tell me step by step, how the fuck do I fix you? And it's like, yeah, what, what are we doing here? And then we have a very sweaty and erotic repair montage. Yeah. With Michael McKeon hunkily fixing Johnny Five.

Just getting his fingers all up in every crevice. Sexual tension is palpable. And he swears revenge. So Johnny Five now understands rage and vengeance. He understands vengeance. Again, there's no saving this robot. There's no rehabilitating what this robot has learned. No.

Right, yeah, he declares vengeance and his eyes go red. It's like, yeah, those are the exact two things we were looking for. He only has 500 megabytes of memory. He had to delete all non-vengeance to make room for it. He had to purge non-vengeance from his mind. Delete Panopio. To make room for The purge non-vengeance from his mind Delete Short second three has to be just terminator one. Yeah, like this is all

This is all lead up he becomes Skynet. That's what you see. He's building all the little robots in Yeah, that makes sense. I want to mention that he is chasing the car. I can't even remember who's fucking who do they have kidnapped in the car at this point? Um, the the. I said, oh, so just try maybe it's Sandy. Yeah, or maybe he's trying to get the diamonds, but he's chasing a robot and the screenwriters thought, how can a robot catch a car? And they just they came up with it would jump into the sewer. So it opens a mantle jumps into the sewer to like make up the time like you would. It can turn off buses with remote control and it never occurs to just stop the fucking car. But then it does

later it comes up underneath the car and says like, Oh, right, I can control cars. Let me make their cargo haywire. And he makes them like do a suicide 18 jump into a construction site. They immediately get out and start to have a final showdown with a crowbar. It plays I Need a Hero. And the obese elderly man flees on foot to steal a boat. And that's now the stakes is that some guy with some diamonds is escaping in a stolen boat in broad daylight. And- A very old man escaping with diamonds. Yes. I am such an easy mark specifically for I Need a Hero.

That'll get me pumped. Yeah. For anything, anything. It's as pumped as I was in the film, sure. A squirrel running across the lawn with a big acorn. If I Need a Hero starts playing, I'll tear up a little bit. I'll root for him so hard. I'll help Well, but this was the worst fucking chase scene. It was a very elderly very obese old man running About two miles an hour

While a very slow half destroyed robot follows him like who are you? slow half destroyed robot follows him. Like, who are you? Am I rooting for the robot to catch and destroy him? Because this is this is very clear that this is a this is a this is an overweight old man doing his best. And it's slow. I'm not rooting for the right people. I can't imagine who put I need a hero to this other than sarcastically. This was sarcastic, right? Yeah. I'd argue you do not need a robot for this. I'd say if there's a guy in a boat and you're looking at him, you're like, Yeah, I don't know if we need the nuclear robot to handle this one.

I think we could call the Coast Guard or the cops throw a rock at him. I don't know. Right. Where is he going? A paraket detective could stop this fucking guy Yeah, and also the robot is like driving along the street and the the boat is also going parallel to him it's like turn into the ocean boat and Yeah anyway, Johnny five

Goes to the construction site to a crane and like tar sands out onto the boat and he you know, of course,'s like, Oh, that shit. And it's the payoff of him learning it. You earlier it's planned. Right. Of course. Yeah. He was watching TV and he says, me, Johnny, you busted.

Great. Great Tarzan reference. Everyone loves those 1988 Tarzan references. Uh, then the bad, I have actually a clip of what the bad guy says. They like fall in the trash and the bad it just sits up says this there's no reaction to it what are you punishment from God that's it that's it you know that sums up the whole movie doesn't come up like there's sort of been a line where he comes back but no it is just this old man being like I fucking hate you

What God would allow you? Basically watch Johnny five die fucking by the end then they defibrillate Johnny five and I don't know if this is sprying pan bonk rules where if the lightning gives you life, it also turns you back into an ordinary robot. But he does wake up and then we cut to the fucking Mack and Me ending where he is being naturalized as a as a United States citizen. On television. Isn't he a runaway top secret robot? The government come murder him now. It's just a lunatic criminal at best. He's a runaway WMD. They have to come get him. He's getting, he's being sworn in with Fisher Stevens.

So it's, it's a, it's a man in brownface doing the worst Indian accent next to a crime against humanity and you're swearing them both in. I never thought I'd say this, but we need tougher immigration laws. That's the theme of the movie. Another weird thing is the woman comes in and kisses Fisher Stevens and from his reaction it kind of seems like their first kiss. Which means that they went from this boat chase to him being naturalized as a citizen in I guess the span of one day, like a few days. I don't know, it's the dumbest fucking movie. It's pretty great.

Fuck it. Just before we go, I just want to put one note. If you're going to write this kind of movie, especially if you're working with like a high profile prop, which would the robot, and you build yourself into this corner where you have to like, he's dying. I need to jolt him back to life using the electric paddles.

Don't like just go back in time a little bit and make sure you don't say that his heart is in the crotch because that's where they put his battery. So as he's laying there dying and everybody mourns him, Fisher Stevens runs up, puts both of those paddles on either side of his crotch and starts zapping them and little blue electricity bolts come out and dance all over his crotch.

And then he opens his eyes and goes, oh, I think when he swung out on the crane and scooped the old guy up out of the boat, I think this would have been a fun moment to learn that he's the arm ripping kind of robot. Yeah, it would have been so good if he just like fucking wrecking balled through the man, just arms and legs go flying in every direction. If physics applied for real just this once and he just like, he just went right through him and he turned into a bloody mist and like, Oh, uh-oh! Smashes through him like a fucking immortal combat fatality.

Oh, god. And then he's full of gremlins and we do gremlins too! God, that's perfect. We did it. We solved movies. Einstein, Hundert, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hundert, Frankfurt! We saw movies. It's Supreme Day here on Hot Dog Prime, the day where all hot dog denizens stand tall and proudly salute the heroes who made the ultimate sacrifice in our never-ending meat war against the vile burger race. Aaron Crosston

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Mike Stiles Moju Mort is actually a burger who saw the freedoms and benefit packages we offer and was won over. Don't shoot the skinny burger in the long bun. He's on our side. Mr Bob Gray Indeed Neil Bailey Neil Schaefer Neku104 held a machine gun nest against a 4,000 strong burger horde, only to die of

diabetes at this very awards ceremony. Proper nutrition isn't just a good idea, it's your duty. Ozzy Olu Patrick Patrick Herbst, Rachel, Rhiannon, Sarkovsky hollowed out a sexy burger and climbed inside to use it as a honeypot trap. It worked a little too well, but good initiative, soldier. Sean Chase, Spotty Reception Supernaut Ted H Thomas Kvatsos Timmy Leahy knows if you see two buns you start shooting. It's a tragedy what happened at that hunk convention, but vigilance is always market

price. Tommy G Velo Booster Waylon Russell Zack and Ava both simultaneously choked to death on Footlongs, but that was one hell of a USO show, wasn't it, dogs? And finally, Hot Dog Prime hereby posthumously bestows the medal of misguided valor on Sergeant Ken Paisley, who died in a kamikaze run on a burger nest. It turned out it was just an old pizza hut. They're shaped a lot alike.

Now remember cadets, if it's flat and cheesy, say pizza pleasey. If it's beefy and round, you bomb it to the ground.