The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 174, The Wizard with Merritt K

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

Brockway thought the Manimal podcast with Seanbaby and guest, Merritt K, was such a good idea, they're doing it all again with one slight change: It's about The Wizard now, a show about a little person toy genius for the government! That used to be a career.

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You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dogs of 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-Hotdog, the last good thing on the internet except porn. No, the porn got weird too. We're better than porn. Come support us on patreon.com slash 1-900-Hotdog, Real Humans writing real human comedy for other real humans. We're the last ones doing it. It's not smart. Everybody's telling us it's a bad idea, but we're gonna do it. We're the last ones doing it. It's not smart. Everybody's telling us it's a bad idea, but we're gonna do it New articles every weekday. We got exclusive team ups. We got bonus podcast episodes and we'll get you off We'll we'll get well, we probably will we don't know what could happen

I'm Robert Brockway and I designed silly murder toys for the FBI. It was my remote-control duck that did Waco How do you feel about that? I'm just letting it sit there. Just taking the temperature. Just taking the temperature in the room. Is this like Big Feets? Am I introducing myself or am I waiting for you to introduce me? Are we still friends? 100%. You know about Waco though.

You know about my murder toys. There's some nuance to the murder toys of Waco. And this is my partner, Sean, baby. It's a pleasure to be here. I have a tiny boat with which I can navigate a zoo. All right. And our guest Merit K. What kind of tiny war crime toy are you?

Oh my God. Well, I can create any kind of tiny war crime toy that can reproduce any of Manimal's powers. Oh my God. Yeah. That's so powerful and wildly illegal. I know. Manimal in your pocket. I know.

Deeply immoral, just not OK. No, it's illegal, it's immoral, unethical on every level. But that's my burden to bear. And I can produce a bear too. Ah, see? You got it all. Maybe you got it all. Where can people find more from you?

More bears, specifically. Yeah, bears, bear content. But not that kind of bear content. If you search Mary Kay, you'll find me. I'm the only one, surprisingly. But I have a Patreon, which is my main thing right now. I'm writing a serialized short story, not short story, long story. I'm so used to writing short stories, but writing some serialized fiction on there. I'm doing comics. And I have a book out too called Land Party. And it's a photo coffee table book of land parties from the 2000s, which is a lot of fun. Yeah, back when the internet was fun. They did fun things. Back when things were good and fun and not a crushing nightmare.

But what are you going to do, right? Yeah. I mean, not wake up. That's for sure. All right. Last time. Last time. Yes.

Good energy. I remember when things were, were full of life and joy, you know? OK, we are here to discuss manimal and manimal-like things. Last time we discussed an episode from the 1983 TV show Manimal, Female of the Species. That show is just about a really quote unquote handsome, very quote unquote British playboy who is a manimal. You get it. You get what that is. Blast. Oh no. In that show written by Douglas Schwartz and Michael Burke, there was an episode called

Female of Species. It was about a feral child raised by wolves who was rescued and brought back to society. And then there was a murder plot around them because her parents, former business partner, had ordered the parents killed to take over the business. And that's the reason why she was raised by wolves in the first place. She was stranded in India. It was half an idea. That idea was Tarzan, but that was enough for 1980s TV. Wasn't it also Count of Monte Cristo? What's the old story where

the guy is a secret heir to a fortune? That's Count of Monte Cristo, right? It's been so long. Sure. Yeah. He invented the sandwich. I get that. He's the heir to the sandwich and I get that. Yeah, man. Yeah, he's the heir to the sandwich. The counter grilled cheese. That's what I'm trying to think of. But yeah, I get them all mixed up. The French dip. The Duke of Moons over my hammie. I was obviously I was blindsided last episode because we watched Manimal and I

found out very late in the podcast production process that the Maniacs responsible recycled the same script on two different shows. Kind of three. Yeah, I can't fucking believe they did it. I script on two different shows, kind of three. I can't fucking believe they did it. I can't believe they're not ashamed of it. You could get away with so much. If you go on YouTube comments and you see people are like, oh, this is when America used to be good

or when the world was a better place. And it's like, most of that is bullshit, I think. It's just like, oh, you just were a child and you didn't know that things existed that were horrible. But this is one respect in which yes, absolutely, it was much easier to be a TV writer. Yeah, born at the wrong time. Yeah, because you could just come up with half of a concept.

Like what if Tarzan, but also, I don't know if Tarzan is the heir to a fortune. And as long as you were a white man, it worked out great. You can do it three times. You can do it three times and then make a show about it. Exactly. If you just join us, we'll listen to the first one, but I'll try to catch you up. The idea itself of the feral wolf child trying to integrate back into society, you get a pass on that because that it

works for the manimal pilot when he's like struggling with his this power. He can turn into different animals so he's stuck between like nature and man. It works. It works and adds some complications to like to the basic plot. But it was weird when they did it again because Douglas Schwartz and Michael Burke, they went on to write a 1986 show called The Wizard, and the main character of that was a little person toy genius who made super battle toys for the government, and they still reused the same episode, only now without any of the themes that made it work.

Unless they were implying little people are half animals, which was not out of the question for the 1980s. I don't think they're linked super thematically, but I feel like on a power level, they're similar. If you were making like a league of extraordinary gentlemen in the 80s, like you would put the wizard and manimal on that team. Oh my God.

Oh, absolutely. But that's because manimal really, really sucks at turning into animals. Yeah. Like it hurts him a lot. It takes him a long time. Yeah. He's not very good at them. Yeah.

And like they're not tough animals too. Like he got stabbed when he was a hawk and it's fucking over. It's like. Yeah. There's no like superpowers. It's like, yeah. There's no like superpowers. It's not- Blast, yeah. Yeah, just like really low powered,

like silver age of comics type of guys, right? Just like, I can invent stuff, not like an Iron Man suit, but like, I don't know, like a toy bird. That's kind of cool. Only toys. He's a brilliant inventor, but they're only toys for no particular reason. Crucially, he's also British. Yes, but believably so.

I actually believe that he is British, which Simon McCorkindale, I don't even believe that's his name. I believe nothing about that man. I don't believe he's handsome. I don't believe that name. I really don't believe he's British. That guy faked his death or something and stumbled into an acting career. It was just like, fuck.

Someone in your Discord pointed out that he seems to have moved around a lot when he was a child because his father was in the military, which could explain why he has such an insane accent because accents vary so much from like kilometer to kilometer in the UK. So this kid's getting dragged around. And by the time he's minimal age, he just sounds like he's doing a bad impression of a British person. Like, I'm sure he's not even welcome in his home country at that point. That's true, but it's also the exact thing I would say if I was doing a fake British accent and people ask me like, why are you doing a fake British accent?

Oh, no, you see, my, my, my dear old dad, he was in the army. Yes. My papa. He was doing Dan Aykroyd from Trading Places. That's the accent he was doing. His dad visited Dan Aykroyd's house a lot while he was preparing for the role. All right, so that was The Wizard. And then the one we're going to do next is Thunder in Paradise. That's a 1993 show that the same writers, Douglas Schwartz and Michael Burke, went on. And they wrote that as a vehicle for Hulk Hogan. Literally, they had a vehicle for Hulk Hogan.

They had a sentient speedboat and they put Hulk Hogan in it like an action figure. It made no fucking sense at all to do this same episode again, so they did. They did it anyway. Hulk Hogan, yeah, Hulk Hogan is like a monster, but he's a very human monster. I do not believe he has any connection to the natural world. I don't think he has any empathy or understanding. He can live among the orangutans,

but he will never be fully accepted. No, he is, he is at both worlds. No, I think he could be like a king or like a dictator. Some sort of terrible creature to the orangutans, but never one of them, never belonging. So like we're getting into this weird thing now where I think it's really important to remember that at the time that these shows aired, no one knew any of this, right? If in 1989, like you saw this episode of The Wizard and you remembered the episode of Manimal, people would look at you like you were

a fucking lunatic. Like if you were like, oh, they reused that episode from six years ago in Manimal, they'd be like, what the hell are you talking about? But now we have the, you know, I think we may be the only people in reality to have like watched through all of these in sequence and it's like, it's just such a strange experience to realize that, oh, at the time no one knew this was crazy. Yeah. But looking back, it's like perfect. Who would you write to? Your congressman? Right. TV guide. That's what I love about it, is that...

The perfect crime. They should have gotten completely away with this. And they did! But... Until now! It should have worked to just reuse it, but they got like so lazy about it and they had to change it so much. Like, okay, in the original Manimal episode, the script was about this very tender, very confused British

playboy who could struggle warg into a dolphin, but only if he really fucking had to, and it took a long time and it hurt. And then across the span of a decade, they just keep mauling this script to fit a little person toy genius and then just a screaming meat abomination careening around in a fucking speedboat. Like it's asking so much of this very simple quaint little script to be like do all of these things. It's like, do you ever hear of that play that's about people retelling the same Simpsons episode over and over after like a nuclear holocaust and it just keeps getting stranger and strange it's called like Mr. Electric yeah yeah yeah

no it's a real it's like a real play it's about like the same story getting warped over time and I feel like that's what is happening here it's like see this is like a whips ass this is like the only story it's like the story of humanity. And I want to see it in every medium in every jet. Lee made it. Hero is his version. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. No, he had a movie where he was a dog man.

No, I'm talking about it's called Dog Man. I'm talking about someone retelling the same story three different ways, but yes, he was a Dog Man. Okay. Like it's weird. It's weird how it all like links together like that. Yeah, he made Unchained, I think, or he was a Dog Man. Oh shit, you're right.

Oh shit, you're right. I thought you were joking, but you did make a Dog Man movie. He did make a Dog Man movie. No. Yeah. I thought he was joking about making a Dog Man, but Unchained, you're right.

Yeah, it's a real Dog Man movie. Jackie Chan's Tuxedo, he was a about making a dog man, but Unchained, you're right. Yeah, it's a real dog man movie. Jackie Chan's tuxedo? He was a tuxedo man. Are we absolutely sure Michael Burke and Douglas Schwartz didn't write Unchained for Jet Li? We need to watch that again and take all the sample clips. I think Jackie Chan in that tuxedo, I think he'd be a good addition to our League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Yes. That was a 90s movie, I think.'d be a good addition to our League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Yes. He said that was a 90s movie. We're building a team.

I have a tuxedo. It gives me kind of superpowers, not like Iron Man superpowers, but you know, like it's waterproof. The joke is it makes me Jackie Chan, but I'm already Jackie Chan. You guys are looking at me like you don't get it. It makes me Jackie Chan from a different Jackie Chan movie. They should have been struck down by God for this hubris, just reusing this same goddamn script and then they did it again.

But first they co-create in between, they co-created Baywatch, which turned into a billion dollar franchise. It was like the only other thing of note they did. And they use that cred and all that money to start a year 2000 show on UPN called Sheena, which was about a feral jungle girl in its entirety. The whole show was about that. So now they finally had the creative freedom to just do the story they wanted to do. And in that show they wrote an episode called The Feral King, which was about a child raised by animals after his parents were killed by a corrupt business partner who put a hit out on him once he was discovered.

They did it twice in the same show. They doubled up. They doubled up. They fucking let it ride. They put a feral child in their feral child show because they heard, we like feral children. They just let it ride. They've been just gambling so long that nobody will catch them on this that they have to have grown jaded by now and are just like, fuck it, let's see what we can get away with. This is Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.

They're daring someone to catch them, right? All we did was reward them. They're like, here's a billion dollars of Baywatch money. The one idea you had that isn't this, here's a billion dollars. What did they do? They went back to the idea that kept getting cancelled. Like, no, let's make that happen. So last episode, we did the pilot, the very template of this, the one that started it all, and that was Manimals, Female of the Species. Now we're gonna do the other two, the ones that kind of twist and destroy that template.

This is starting with The Wizard. 1986 is The Wizard starring David Rappaport as the government's top little person toy maniac. It sounds like I'm making that up. That is the plot. That is the plot. I looked this up. It first aired on December 16th, 1986.

And fun fact, that's the same day UCLA canceled classes because pro-Palestinian protesters were attacked. So history has shown it isn't, and Jamie, maybe add a dramatic sting here. It's not just the TV scripts getting recycled. Yeah, just. So, I mean, you're saying that the time is right for a wizard reboot. I don't even think it's a reboot! Let's just keep making the episodes, man. This is the only one of Manimal, Wizard, Thunder in Paradise, and Cheena.

This is the only one I want more of. The wizard sounds just dumb as shit, but in a wonderful, whimsical way. And I really like David Rapoport. I liked all the tight shots on his smiling face. It was just a really pleasant show. Like he's just a really happy little crime fighter. He's so pleasant. The Wizards version of this template is called Endangered Species

instead of Female of Species. David Rappaport plays Simon McKay, a nod to Simon McCorkendale, obviously. Like it's weird, right? It's definitely a wink. It's silent in the cork and bail. Like they are daring you to catch us. It's the serial killer sending clues to the police.

Yeah, they gave us all the clues. We could have saved her. Mr. Policeman. It's fucking... It's crazy they did that. The audacity. Just... Just testing the boundaries of the universe. It starts almost exactly the same as the minimal episode. A bunch of hunters in India are rustling up the entire jungle.

There's drums, there's men in trees with nets, people like hitting bushes with sticks to drive out their prey, which is, of course, a human being, a feral child. Simon and his friend are there watching all of this in a classroom, because, again, they're here to learn about Wolf Girls just to like better themselves. That was that was enough in the 80s. Yeah. Who paid for his intent? I mean, assuming there was like a you pay money to be in these lectures, like did his department pay for that? Or is this something he did off the books? I don't know. I just have these questions where it's like, how do you get how you write

that off? Like I know you wrote that off, being a little person toy genius for the government, but I'd love to see it. Yeah, for education, for just training. The IRS is like, so I noticed you wrote off this Wolf Child lecture at the local university. How does that tie into toys? Well, you see, I have a theory that I can teach them language

using the Skeletor's. Let's, I'm gonna allow it. Yep. So, Simon and his friend are also upset about this footage, just like they were in Manimal. But they don't have a special reason, they don't have that special, like, bond that Manimal does of like, Oh no, she's trapped between two worlds. So, just general human empathy, which, from David Rappaport, Simon, like Sean said, he's so pleasant. I believe like, yeah, he's got a lot of human empathy.

He'd be upset by this. He's also hunted and captured a lot. I just want that noted for Thunder in Paradise. People act weird around little people. In the 1980s, again, that probably happened. People probably did that. So once again, the professor is evil, evil academic. He keeps her in a cage in the basement.

Hitman comes in and assembles a high tech incendiary device. And I thought watching this the first time, aha, here's something it works better in the realm of the wizard. Because like this is all high tech about little devices. But no, just like in Manimal, it has nothing to do with anything and will never be brought up again.

It does the same job as throwing a match in there. Right, because it doesn't self-destruct. However, in this script later, the guy says, it was an incendiary device designed to self-destruct, but it didn't, which they added that from Manimal. I don't think they did, Manimal. Because I feel like someone gave him a note in Manimal, like, I wasn't clear on how high tech that incendiary device was and why. I wasn't clear on why we needed it at all. Can you explain why

he didn't just throw a match in there or something? Yeah, I feel like they're not going to go through the ruins of that and say, Oh, we found the match. Right. Oh, someone tried to burn down this wolf child, which also like that is the first major difference aside from the the manimal swap is that instead of a sexy wolf lady, it's like a wolf child girl this time. Yes. Yes. And not I would argue this is a better way to do that. Yeah, it's less upsetting for sure. I love that she has perfect hair.

But yeah, it does raise some questions. Did they not think that the wizard could have a convincing romance slash human teacher kind of relationship to a sexy wolf lady? I think maybe David Rappaport looked at the script and was like, I'm not fucking the wolf girl. I'm not doing that. Whereas Simon McCorkindale was like, aha, a wolf girl, you say. Blast it. Blast out her back.

Simon, no, she doesn't have language. We do keep some of the things the same. I'd like to do a line read check. Here's Manimal, the evil professor in his lecture, bringing up something very important that had to be kept almost word for word. Her animal habitat patterns are very strong. As a matter of fact, until I fashioned something for her to wear out of an animal of prey, she would violently tear off any clothing we tried to put on her. Huh, weird. Weird, specific, seems to say something about you. Let's see how they kind of twisted that for the wizard.

Her animal behavior is so deeply ingrained that... Well, until I was able to fashion for her a garment from an animal of prey, she would violently tear off any clothes we tried to put on her. That's weird. It's like, okay, you hear like, oh, it's the same promise done over like a bunch of different shows. That's weird. But you don't understand how weird it is until you hear almost the

exact same dialogue said by different people. They're just doing a play. I like how they're both pretty bad. They both kind of forget their lines halfway through and it's great. It's like Corey Feldman doing extra takes. I like how they're taking different academic accents. They're both trying out a voice for a scientist, but it's like way too much both times, and just in different directions. It's the same setup that our sinister villain is attending the lecture, which strikes me as weird because he's already hired a hitman to kill this person. Why is he like, he's there like, oh, I'm gonna verify this is who I think it is.

But you've already got someone downstairs...killing her. So the feral girl starts howling, and everyone is like, Oh, okay, that rules, except Simon, who loves toys and therefore speaks wolf girl. I think it worked a little bit better in Manimal, but let's check out those clips real quick. ["Her howling sounds so sad." ["It's not sadness, it's fear. Now that's the manimal take. You really get, oh, he's an animal man, he understands her pain.

And now here is a little person toy genius trying out... In the 86 recorded cases of children being raised by... Her howling sounds so sad. That's fear. Huh. Not as good. Why does he know that? Yeah, what? It's not as good. Is he just attuned to all children

because he's a toy maker? Like, is that... Yes, he understands the child fear. I'm gonna allow that. I'm gonna allow that. Yeah. I didn't think of that, but I'll allow it. He's like, I'm weirdly small

and I usually am surrounded by flying things with blades and explosions. I understand fear. I use my toys to hunt down a lot of wolves. It's sanctioned by the government. I think she's specifically saying there's some sort of arson duck in there with her. Yeah. I feel like that has to be a flubbed line because there's no way you would take out

the much better, that's not sadness, it's fear. You need that turn in the dialogue and to just say, no, no, that's fair. Like, no, come on, you ruined it. Yeah, Manimal did it better here. There aren't many things I think Manimal did better. Are we doing this? Are we saying which one's better each time?

Yeah, we should tally it, yeah. This was written for Manimal and better. Are we doing this? Are we saying which one's better each time? Yeah, we should tally it, yeah. This was written for Manimal and then mangled to fit other things. I think it's less that there's a point. That's true. Everything is going to fit Manimal better because it started off a Manimal script and then you just started slapping in little person toy genius and Hulk Hogan in a speedboat. What if this started as a Hulk Hogan script long, long, long before they were allowed

to make Hulk Hogan speedboat? They're like, we need a 300 pound man. They're like, he just doesn't exist yet. Who are we going to get for this? We've got to wait. They have to wait for him to be born. I've got my eye on a guy. It's 1983.

I've got my eye on a guy, but he's just not ready. Honestly, the only wrestling stuff I remember with Hulk Hogan was him fighting like mummies and monsters and stuff. So this would fit pretty well in to all that. Like Legion of Doom had like a Pharaoh wolf child. That would be awesome. That would be. I'm Hawk and I'm animal. And yeah, that's that's Wolf Boy.

I don't know. I guess that's just Rick Steiner. It could have just teamed up with Rick Steiner. Would have been fine. So, OK, so they guess that's just Rick Steiner. They could have just teamed up with Rick Steiner, it would have been fine. So, okay, so they know something's wrong with the wolf girl. They run downstairs. Simon runs downstairs to save her. He busts open the door and she runs out after locking eyes with a kindred spirit. Only they forgot that scene only works with a manimal once again. So now she just locked eyes with a little person toy genius. It's like, ah, yes Me a wolf girl and you a little person toy genius for the government. We understand each other at a glance Again she's the same power level I think absolutely

Yeah, if they if they went against each other like on the cover of a comic book and people it's anyone's game You know, yeah I'm gonna give it to David Rapaport a little bit, because it takes Manimal like a good four minutes to turn into an animal, and then he sucks at it. So like, I think he could kill him with like an RC tank in that time. There's a scene here that they added that I really liked, where the lecturer explains how you get raised by a wolf. He's like, okay, let me lay it out for you.

The first thing is you leave a baby outside and then here's the complicated part the wolf raises the baby like like you think i'm exaggerating i don't think you took a clip of this because it's like four minutes long but like that's the entirety of his like point which means that a producer at some point is like i don't get it you're gonna have to explain it because if i don't get it these dopes won't get it in the audience like, I don't get it. You're gonna have to explain it. Because if I don't get it, these dopes won't get it in the audience. You're gonna have to really lay it out for him. You're like, well, sir, the Manimal audience has got it. And the producer was like, excuse me? What does that mean? Should I go look at the scripts for Manimal? No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, forget I said anything. So this time he does do the no, no, don't hurt her line, Simon does, just like Mannimel did, but unlike in Mannimel, a cop doesn't pull a fucking shotgun on the little girl for no reason, so they learned a little something. That's one for progress. Once again, he realizes she's going, he thinks about it and realizes there's only one place she could go to the zoo. I think, hold on, I think you blew past a couple of things that I thought were important. Manimal that she was a sexy Tarzan, we've mentioned this, and in this one, the girl's

kind of like a mud golem. She's completely covered in filth. In the first one, the sexy Tarzan lady gets out and like, Manimal has no prayer of catching her. But in this, like, the little guy keeps up with her so easily. Like, he's just jogging behind her. Well, you believe it a little more because like, in the Manimal scene, she's running out there and she's like, oh my god, cars, what is this?

What is, what is like a fountain? What is the angry sky birds up there? Like, she's stopping to marvel at every fucking thing and it's crazy that manimal doesn't catch her yeah but it's like it evens it evens the field here sure she is stopping to shriek at people which i really liked that she would just pause and like look at people like great choice all around uh so once again, Simon realizes she's going to the zoo, just like Manimal did, and they do the same line, my god, they'll kill her.

It's another line that makes more sense for Manimal to instantly understand, but it works for Simon, because again, just like, he's at least a genius. I'm laying the groundwork when I say these things for Thunder in Paradise. Like, we need to keep in mind when we do Thunder in Paradise, why it can kind of work here, but might not, if you replaced him with Hulk Hogan. Manimal has sort of like an instinctual power set,

whereas Simon McKay has sort of like an intellect. He is int-specced in role-playing terms, and he can kind of replicate the same sort of powers and abilities. Hulk Hogan is like, I would say, like a full on like strength build. And it's yeah, it's it's going to get weird. It already gets weird. It gets weird right now because Simon runs to rescue her. And in manamal,

he ran in and turned into a Black Panther and scared off all of the wolves. Obviously the little person toy genius can't do that, so what he does instead makes perfect sense. He paddles in through the sewer on a child's raft and he remote controls a pterodactyl which fucking explodes on the wolves, emulating the wolves' natural enemy, tiny exploding pterodactyl which fucking explodes on the wolves. Emulating the wolves' natural enemy, tiny exploding pterodactyls.

I loved everything about the scene. I have no notes. He can get around the zoo on a tiny raft. I assume that the zoo is entirely staffed by little people riding tiny rafts, and that's how the janitorial and the feeders, that's how everyone gets through. I loved it so much.

Every element of that is insane. Like it's crazy that you found yourself faced with this dilemma, right? You're looking at this script and you're like, how am I gonna, I mean, he manimals into a leopard. How am I gonna do the little person toy cheese part of that? I've got it.

I've got it, it's way more complicated than you think. I need a raft. I need a little tunnel. I've got it. I've got it. It's way more complicated than you think. It paddles in through the sewers. Oh, I need a raft. A raft. I need a little tunnel. I need a flying pterodactyl. Now, let me finish. Flying exploding pterodactyl.

Do you like to hear how that on hand or was that like a speed build that he just whipped it up? Maybe that's like the origin of the wizard is they just have a bunch of weird props on hand from, I don't know, from fucking FX or something. So some sort of toy movie that did not take off. And they're just trying to shove them in there. What was the exploding pterodactyl from though?

What was that one? You couldn't know. Because I'm having a hard time. I mean, it's a one time use. It had to have been a speed build. Yeah, he can't have tested it. He doesn't know it's going to work. It's what with that up on the raft while he was waiting for it to clear the gates.

He's a MacGyver, essentially. I just have one little observation here. If they keep we haven't gotten to this point, but if they keep her backstory, her tragic backstory of how she wound up a wolf girl, if they keep that the same that she's terrified of boats because Skeletor killed her parents in one. There's no way she's getting in that fucking child's raft. Right? Wow, yeah.

They got me on that one. I missed that. So. She gets in the child raft and they paddle out through the sewers. They did not. They did not change that. They figured that one works just fine despite,

despite changing these. It had been six years, okay? No one remembers. They forgot. By the time you get to the end of the episode, no one's thinking about this. There's no internet to like, there's no TV tropes to like. There's no writer's room to be like, hey, what the fuck is this?

What is? Who cares? It's 1989, we're writing The Wizard, just fucking ship it. Let's go, baby. Yeah. So Simon takes her home and Alex is his friend. It's the Alex is a government agent assigned to protect Simon from evil toy genius exploiters.

I'm not kidding. That's the plot. Yeah. That's it. That's where you are. There is also an arch enemy, which who doesn't. I think this is one of those episodes where like the arch enemy isn't involved. It's like a side story. But I guess he has an archenemy who has radiation poisoning. That fucking kicks so much ass. I love this show. The one who wants revenge on the world for his suffering, according to Wikipedia. Hell yeah. Does he have evil toys?

I have to assume so. Yeah. I have to. What a waste it would be if he didn't. So Alex for this episode is playing the role of the lady cop, probably not the first time for him. Now, remember the scene was played very sexy in Manimal. Like it was played like, oh, she sees me as a rival, as a mate rival for you. Oh, what will we do with this?

So to justify it in the wizard why she would attack, it turns out Alex had a taco on his way home and she smelled his taco hands and attacked. I loved that. Perfect. They're like, yeah, stick your hand out, let her smell you, and he's like, I had a taco on the way home,

I'm like, that's going on my notes, what the fuck does that mean, buddy? I get them all over, I really rub them in. So he's like, oh, you can give it. I'll let her smell my non-taco hands. Like that solves it. Like, no, the taco's in the air, buddy. She's a fucking dog monster. Once again, they were faced with the problem of,

in the original pilot, we had this psychosexual dynamic between these three, that's missing here. How are we gonna fix that? I've got it, taco hands. To a swamp kid, a taco is like a sexual tension, whereas like a cave baby manimal is a sexual tension. It's been a long time since I did the SATs, but like I was good at them.

Yeah. I mean, look, it works when you say it like that. You come home and your partner's like, let me smell your taco hands. And you're like, no, they don't smell like tacos, I promise. It's a whole thing. Haven't been sneaking tacos. But it's-

Well, I'm gonna release a wolf girl and we'll fucking see. Yeah, so she does pound a chocolate cake in this scene, which would kill a dog. So it's settled science, she's a human. Like, that's how you test it. If you want to find out if something's more dog than human, you leave a chocolate cake out. Now, before that, we do have to get to the entire basis of this episode, which is that feral

children being raised by animals is totally real, you guys. All right. And let's see how Manimal handles that. Romanus and Remus, founders of the Roman Empire, raised by wolves. That's a legend. Is it? Do you know, there are over 40 documented cases of children raised by a variety of animals and not just wolves.

There was the gazelle boy of the Sahara. Uh-huh. And the bear child of Mongolia, not to mention several raised by apes and even some by lions. Phew. Huh. So, I guess that makes sense to me. He's a manimal. He's looking for more of his kind. apes and even some by lions. Phew! Huh. So... I guess that makes sense to me. He's a manimal, he's looking for more of his kind. He's out there like,

I know all the other manimals that have been throughout society, let me list them. Uh, it's a little strange that the wizard plays out like this. Romulus and Remus, founders of the Roman Empire. They were brought up by a wolf. That's a legend, Simon. Yeah, but many legends are based in fact. There are dozens of cases of children brought up by a variety of animals. There's the gazelle boy of Africa, there's Kamala and Amala, both brought up by a wolf, also in India.

There are documented cases of children raised by bears, apes, even a lion. Word for word. Word for word. Except for the bear boy of Mongolia, whatever that was. Just 90% word for word. And like, OK, it's weirdly specialized knowledge. But again, super genius. Super genius. He just reads a lot. I just want this noted. How are you going to handle this when it's Hulk Hogan's speed book? I want everyone to have that one bookmarked. We'll get to that. It seems like something Hulk Hogan would read about.

He'd be like, I don't think that my parents are humans, brother. I think one of them had to have been an orangutan, dude. Once again, I disagree. I think he has no place in the natural world or the world of man. I think he's alone. I think he's truly alone. What flesh was I born from, brother? So Wolf Girl, like I said, Wolf Girl sneaks into the kitchen, she eats that chocolate cake, does not die from it, and they're like, aha, okay. I get it, we're huped. Now, this time, it's a kindly old woman who stumbles across her and is like surprised and in manimal it was the guy from ice pirates right who implied that

That Simon actually once that I should stop calling him Simon. What was his name? Manimal chase? Was it chase remembers? I'm gonna call him chase. I'm gonna call him man So the guy from ice pirates comes home dressed like a full knight in armor and finds a wolf girl and says like, Oh, that's fine. Manimal fucks wolf girls a lot. He fucked a snake one time and Manimal's like, shut up. I like that scene better, but it makes a little more sense that like the kindly old woman who takes care of Simon the Wizard finds the girl and is like, oh, okay, you ate all my cake. Now you need a bath. I feel like if you got a wolf girl in the house, you put a sock on the doorknob or something.

If you're nailing a snake, it's a tie. I don't know. It's a different signal. A discarded snake skin on the doorknob. Nope, it's a bolo. You put a bolo on there. Yeah, that works. Yeah, I just want to point out that at this point in the version of the episode that we've watched on YouTube,

there are a few commercials preserved, which everyone loves now. It's great. We love it. And I feel like, you know, I've never heard of the shows Nothing is Easy or The Popcorn Kid, but if they had a feral wolf child episode, then definitely I would know everything about them. The popcorn kid. You know, he works at a movie theater, I guess. I don't know. It's worth a guess. He can turn into any kind of popcorn,

but it hurts and it takes him a long time. Greasy and non-greasy. After she eats a chocolate cake, the wizard comes up and he's dabbing chocolate off her face, but she's still covered in nine layers of mud. So he just kind of like taps her doing nothing. She's still a mud golem. And then he's like, ah, yes, there there, that's much better. Like you didn't do shit. That's weird. They know because now she has to get a bath and it's just the vibe is much

much better that it's a very old kindly woman giving the child a bath than it is when it was two really hot twenty-somethings. If Hulk Hogan was giving this kid a bath, it'd be a very different show. Yeah, we're gonna have to wait and see how that one plays out, because that's gonna be wild, if that's what happens. David Rappaport goes to give her his shirt for the scent, and that happens in Manimal, too. Well, we'll just compare. She loved your bath!

Did you enjoy yours? Oh, yeah. And then I tried putting her in this dress I brought her. But I don't think she likes clothes much. This has my scent on it. Perhaps you should try this. Your assent, huh? How could she resist? Oh!

So sexy. Holy shit. That whoop came from Manimal, by the way. Yeah. As he went to slap her ass. Like, that's... this is a wolf girl orgy, like very clearly implied. Here's how it goes in The Wizard. Did you try putting a dress you wore on her? Oh, that. You're right. She's not much into fashion.

Well, look, try this. It's got my scent on. She might wear it. Oh, your scent? How could she resist? Ready or not, here comes Tilly. Less sexual tension. Yeah, a little less.

I mean, still there, but... She's sexual tension. Yeah, little less. I mean still there, but she's smelling it Tasting Why'd you make it weird didn't need that Whatever it is you've got we ought to bottle it and call it essence of sign. Why'd you make it so weird? You were getting away with it. Why'd you make it so weird? You were getting away with it. It was going so well. Unforced error.

It's just like, ugh, why? But also, I think we missed the fact that in Manimal, she sleeps with him, by which I mean in the same bed. Nothing untoward happens. The comfort of the pack. Yeah, but I guess again, for this, they were like, I think I actually like your interpretation, Robert, that David Rappaport was like, no, no, no, no, no, we're not doing that.

So he's like, here, I'll give you some stuffed animals. That's your pack, the stuffed panda now. As like any thoughtful human would do outside of the early 1980s. Like by late 1980s, we were like, okay, this is not that's not cool. I'm not doing that. Now, do we think this is a sex thing? Because in the first show, it's obviously a sex fetish thing. And Manimal and

her are just on the edge of fucking most of the show. Do you think that they didn't think that was an option because Simon was small? Or do you think that they didn't think that was an option because Simon was small? Or do you think maybe if they made her a full grown wolf woman, like she would find him too close to prey? Maybe it's not a sex thing at all. Maybe they're just like, dude, if she's a full grown woman, she's going to eat that fucking little guy. See, I think that makes it sexy again. Yeah, you're right. That's pretty high.

She's gonna eat that fucking little guy. See, I think that makes it sexy again. Yeah, you're right. That's pretty high. Yeah. That's how we all want to go, a giant woman devouring us. I think we're getting producer and star feedback. I think some of it's coming from David Rapport, some of it's like... They turned in what is clearly a manimal fetish script for this little person toy genius show. And somebody involved in the process was like,

hey, the fuck is this? What the fuck's going on here? What a brave note though to say, let's take the sexy girl, sexy lady and make it a kid. Like to say that out loud is a very brave move. I think it's the right move. Right, well, I think they probably said, let's take the sexy wolf girl,

let's make it like a wolf child and take out all the sex. And they were like, well, I'll do one of those things. No, you're going to do both, buddy. Because they added in, now she's tasting it and then, ooh, she loves it. We've got a bottle of what you got. Like you added that, you didn't have to do that. I could have gone for 10 more weird things. She just keeps coming out the door like, oh okay. Now she's folding it into a crane. She leaves again. She comes back holding a dozen

eggs in it, swinging it around. Well, she's paying on it. I don't know what that means. Also we get a, we get annoyed commercial. It's 1989, we get a Noid commercial. Unless this aired before January 30th of that year, that is after that time that that guy named Noid went to a dominoes with a gun and held people hostage for a few hours. So they were still airing Noid commercials

after that happened. They still ran after that? Amazing. How has that not been made into a movie three times? That's the fucking revenge story we can all get behind. Because I killed that one burger place called Sean Babies. Fucking scorched the earth it was standing on. I think generally information was more isolated where nobody knew about that.

Just like, oh, I don't know, nobody knew you tried to write this same fucking episode four times over a day yeah you could just get you could before the internet I've said this so many times before but it was a paradise for grifters you could just do whatever they're like all right we can still get a few you know we can still get a few more months out of the noid right we're not gonna give up on that great idea just because someone named the noid that really only We're not gonna give up on that. Great idea. Just because someone named the Noid, all that was a phatop. Really only traumatized like what?

A dozen people? Right. Who are they gonna tell? Two dozen? Yeah. That's it. There was a Juicy Fruit commercial too. Of course we all remember the man named Juicy Fruit who

blew up a subway platform. What a monster. History's greatest monster. All right, so we repeat the girl, girl wolf scene, which in Animal, he gets a textbook picture of a monster, history's greatest monster. All right, so we repeat the girl-girl-wolf scene, which in Animal, he gets a textbook picture of a wolf, a mirror, and he makes the girl looking at him, and he's like, girl, wolf, girl, wolf, and tries it twice and gives up.

It seems like a remarkably stupid way to handle advanced trauma therapy. I think the sensitive genius could do better. Like, I forgive it from a manimal. I don't know how a Hulk Hogan speedboat is gonna handle the advanced trauma therapy. I guess we'll have to see if he hits her with a boat or something.

This little sheik loose brother. Now what got me next was there's kind of a crazy backwards manimalizing. I think that's the scientific term In all right, let's just go through in manimal a sniper takes a shot at the wolf girl And then he chases him down in sports car and the whole point of that scene is so the bad guys get away But Simon remembers after looking at a toy truck toys exists, right? And so he thinks of toy therapy. It's so out of place. Like, why is that manimal? That was really sidelined us.

It was really weird. It was really out of place. Because he was a Ferrari chasing a van and he couldn't catch the van. Right. But he needed to remember that toys exist. Yes. Like none of that mattered. It wouldn't occur to him. And they found out they made her do a little reenactment with like the toys of what happened

to her parents on the river. They took a boat trip on the Ganges and Skeletor killed her family. Yes. So that's how they find out Skeletor killed her family. Exactly. It make no sense for Manimal. It totally belongs here in the wizard.

Agreed. It makes sense. Changing nothing from that, really, like it's still a car, they still take a shot at the wolf girl, There's a car chase. He gets away except for he uses a stupid little like. Hold on. Before you get to that.

He took the shot and like, suction cups amazing. We're obviously going to talk about the suction cup, but I did want to mention that like she's holding a snow globe and the shooter is very still holding very, very still. And he shoots and misses and hits the snow globe. Nothing ruined a shot. And I think what this means is that a snow globe is like a one-time bullet shield.

Like if you pick this up in a video game, the snow globe would act as like just a single use in vulnerability. Right. Any bad scripts where you see a snow globe, I feel like that works. Because it looks sweet as shit. Yeah, you're not going to not shoot the snow globe. You don't even know you're doing it as the shooter.

You're aiming for the human head and you're like, God, it'd be fucking cool if that snow globe exploded though, wouldn't it? Right, that's how Saint Elsewhere ended, right? The snow globe exploded. Because the sniper took a shot at the kid. Oh my God, is this part of that universe? Oh, shit. Oh.

This is all in the snow globe. Jesus. God, this is a complicated fucking snow globe. If you look really closely, like, is that an exploding pterybactyl? What the fuck? Can we talk about the suction cup though? Please. Please. Let's talk about the suction cup.

Please. Please. First of all, Simon, as opposed to Manimal, Manimal hops in a really hot Ferrari and chases down like a panel van. Here, it in a really hot Ferrari and chases down like a panel van. Here, it makes a little more sense because Simon hops in like an SUV. Yeah, he has like a gadget SUV. Right. And chases them down. And just when you think he's going to get away, he fires an enormous toy suction

cup to trap the back of the car and like, oh my God. There's a process before he fires it,. Like there's an elaborate suction cup preparation that has to To make sure that he doesn't fire it on accident and just fucking cream some kid. There's like a two person verification step on the panel, like. Which means it's happened. You got to get that the nuclear codes out and then hand the key to your partner. Yeah, that you don't build that unless you've creamed some kid with a giant suction cup.

This is like a Spider-Man toy from the 80s, like when he's driving a car and has a giant web on the front of it that he shoots off or something. My favorite part of it is that it doesn't work. It doesn't work. If it doesn't fucking work, then why have it? I don't think it's for catching cars. I think it's for like catching runaway teens or something like.

I think it's for cream and some kids. Yeah, I think it's for just wiping out a little snot in front of you. He fires it. It looks like it's going to stop the car for a second, but then the car like escapes the pull of the suction cup because it's just a fucking suction cup. It's not like a tractor beam. It's like it's like one of those things you use to stick a shower caddy to your bathroom wall.

Like it's not superpowers. And, but then comically, you know, flies back and lands on his windshield. Then he recoils like, oh, oh God. Yeah. And then he gives up. He's like, fair enough. I've been beat.

I know when I've been beaten. If you're immune to suction cup, I will concede the car chase. Because that happens in Manimal, that Simon is so bad at Ferrari, that he just lets a panel van get away, they thought, okay, we don't have the Ferrari anymore, we have his Suction Cup car, what do we need to come out of this scene? Well, we need to prove that our heroes

are fucking incompetent. So we have to come up with a way that they're both wildly fucking incompetent. And they did it. They did it. Congrats, you absolutely did it. I just, I like when they try something in a show and it doesn't work.

Like, you know, cause normally everything goes to plan in a show. And it's not like in real life, when you try to build something and you're like, well, this doesn't fucking work at all. Or like, yeah, normally narrative, you know, if something happens, it's for a reason. And then there's like, they learn something from it. I don't think there's any like nothing happens from this. It's just they get away and the suction cup was fucking shitty and didn't work. And that's it. And it was kind of like that in Manimal.

So it was already bad writing in that, like you get that sense. And they wrote it bespoke for Manimal. So now they're recycling it. You're like, none of this shit is connected logically to anything else at all. This is just madness. This is just naked fucking madness. This is an exploding pterodactyl in a wolf cage. OK, so

the next they they go to the villain who they don't know yet is the villain. They go to the business partner of her parents to ask, do you think this could be, this wolf girl could be the missing girl of these people who died so many years ago? Remember a couple of things that the villain is secretly a Skeletor, so picture like a Skeletor and a human mask the whole time. We do know that this is the villain where in Manimal we didn't, so like there's a weird lack of punch in this scene when we already know, but aside from that they play out pretty similarly. Let me cue up those clips.

If Sarah Evers could have somehow survived that accident, could you identify her today? pretty similarly. Let me cue up those clips. Gerald Evers and I were more than business partners. We were like brothers. I conducted my own search for Sarah. Found her body in a dense area eight miles downriver. Was there a funeral? Let your eye go to the sun, your life to the wind. That's from the Rig Veda. Addressed to the soul of the dead at the time of cremation. Sarah's ashes were spread over the river where her family lost their lives. So that was for Manimal. That was how Manimal handled it.

But at this point in the episode in Manimal, we did not know the businessman was the real bad guy. So like, this is the red herring. This is like, oh, he seems so sweet. And maybe it's not that girl. Maybe this is a different girl after all. In The Wizard, we explicitly know this guy did it. So I guess it's just to prove what a fucking dick this guy is. Mr. Deshaies, you and Gordon Winthrop were partners,

is that right? We're more than partners and Gordon Winthrop were partners, is that right? We're more than partners. Gordon and I were like brothers. We built this business from the ground up. If by some chance Linda Winthrop managed to survive that accident, do you think you'd recognize her today? Linda didn't survive, Mr. Jaggerger she drowned with the rest of her family but her body was never found it was found after I heard about the accident I for Linda. I found her body in a dense area. We had washed up eight miles down the river.

Was there a funeral? Let your eye go to the sun and your life to the wind. That's from the Rig Veda. I'll never forget those words. They were chanted at Linda's cremation. As her ashes were spread over the river that took her life. So... Almost word for word and in a really weird way.

Because I remember thinking that when we had just watched Manimal, I'm like, what a dense area eight miles downstream. And then you're quoting, she's not, she wasn't Indian. Why are they doing an Indian ceremony for her? Agreed. It's weird not to punch it up. But yeah, we found half of her in one hippo and the other half was being cooked by cannibals. Or yeah, let's fucking...

It's, and not to mention the logical problems with that with like, that's not how that works. You don't get your friend, your business partner to fly out there and just personally find the body and not report it to anybody and then cremate it. Like even in the eighties, which notoriously you could do whatever you wanted, somebody would be like, ah, do you know that girl that you're cremating? Like, I don't know if you

should. Yeah. Can we get like a copy of the plane ticket receipts or something just to prove that you actually did go out to the jungle? And if I'm understanding it correctly, do a grid pattern search with local guides, and then burn a child's remains off the books. I know that area. That's a dense area, eight miles downstream. That's a tough search. Yeah, that's a big search grid if you found a body eight miles from the boat crash. So now we do the toy reenactment scene where the wolf girl is trying to find out, did that happen to the wolf girl?

And to do that, they give her some toys and encourage her to like reenact what happens with some very deliberate coaching. And it should play out exactly the same here in The Wizard, because it didn't make sense in the original again. Like, it has nothing to do with toys. She was a grown woman. It doesn't make any sense. But it makes more sense here. It's like they're scattered through time, desperately trying to tell one story, and different parts of it are landing, like totally out of order. It should really thrive in this specific version of the story. The Toy Wizard is right there watching. He should be so super good at this.

But first of all, he's not the one doing it. The old lady is playing. She's not good at toys, and the girl is not into it. And in Manimal, like, it was the guy from Ice Pirates, and he fucking ruled the toys, and the girl loved it. So Simon's power, his only power is literally doing science magic with toys. It's how he like interfaces with the world, and he's just sitting there watching somebody else play with toys like, yeah, this is cool. She hates it. Whatever.

It took a long time, too. I think it's because they didn't have a Skeletor. If they had a Skeletor, Yeah. She would have been like, oh, I get it. And that's the big problem! There's not- it's not a Skeletor this time. The best part of that was that when it came time to say, like, what happened to the boat with your family on it, these little toys, she reaches over, instantly grabs a Skeletor, and just starts bashing it like Skeletor ran in and just fucking punched a hole in the boat. Which is what happened!

Right. And now it's time to determine that a Skeletor kills their family. They didn't even bring a Skeletor. Like how are you gonna know? It's such a reverse punch. Like someone came in and said, what if we didn't have a Skeletor? It's like, what kind of fucking note is that?

Get out of my office. Is it that He-Man was like not as much of a thing by this point? Like 89, this is post-Master of the Universe movie the Universe movie, like human stock is down or something. And they're like, we can't. Was there like a Skeletor fallout from the man? This this show down by the inclusion of Skeletor label. Yeah, I don't know. It was it was a it was a mistake.

It was like it's like a dollar store knockoff GI Joe now specifically to not get them sued. It sucks. So in Manimal, the bad guys now ambush Manimal with his one weakness, which is a flying forearm push to the shoulder and it nearly kills him. In the wizard, they handle this a little differently. And the wolf girl goes outside because she sees kids playing and she wants to make friends with humans. And the bad guys just kind of roll up and are like, oh, shit, is that a wolf girl?

That was lucky. Oh, easy. I love the great deal. I loved it. The kids immediately clockers a wolf girl through, like what the fuck is this wolf girl doing here? This whole scene is wild and it doesn't have to be. Like the bad guys actually comment on like, we have this killer playing in place.

We have like fake, yeah, we have fake identities. We're gonna, I'm gonna say this, you're gonna say that. Where here's what to do if the security guard calls somebody. And then they look out the window and one's like, is that the fucking wolf girl? All right, let's just grab her. It's on the car. It's like a mountain monsters bit.

Why did you do that? And next they leave in my, one of my favorite parts from Manimal was the Bikini Girl photo shoot. You're not going to take that out of the script. Yes, of course not. It's so much better here. Again, I agree, they do make it better,

but let's set up the Manimal one first. In Manimal, the speedboat scene, the bad guys run away with the wolf girl, they're jumping on a boat, and the good guys are in hot pursuit, and they run up, they see the nearest speedboat, only it's got a photographer taking pictures of supermodels on it, and it's played out so crazy in Manimal because none of them will acknowledge the good guys are there at all, even as they throw them off of the boat and steal it, they're still trying to go through with a photo shoot, they don't say anything, and my theory was that Chase Manimal

is just not a genuine hunk. Like the show says he's a hunk, but Beautiful recognizes Beautiful, and they're just like, no, I will not acknowledge you. I get that that scene is probably there originally because like in production, the guy who owned that speedboat was like, yeah, you can use my boat for free.

I get to touch some models though. I'm like, yeah, it's the eighties, go ahead. But to keep it in implies like, that was somehow important to them because they do run up. Simon runs up and he sees a bunch of supermodels on the boat and this time they acknowledge him. I think that's because David Bradford is a more genuine hunk.

I've seen him with his shirt off when he gave the shirt for the scent. He's fucking jacked. He's jacked like Picard in that way that you're just like, this is inappropriate. I don't understand. A smart guy who can also beat ass when he has to. Yeah. You're British, you're gentle, you're really smart, and then you pull off your shirt and

you're just built like the rock. He never turns into a panthero, so that's kind of a bonus. But I think they recognize that he's a hunk because they talked to him this time and he's like, okay, but you can steal my boat. No problem. Let just let me before you go. Let me get one picture of you with my girl. Great. Yes. Yes. It's fantastic. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And then let them steal their their very expensive speedboat. They're like, fuck yeah, do it. That was all worth it. It's such a wild scene to keep in there.

I love that it's weird, but in a totally different direction. Now, I think what happens is they knew you have to have the keys to a boat. So like, okay, it has to be an occupied boat. How do, who should we put in this boat? Like, they're like, do we have time to put someone despicable in the boat

that they could shove off? Like, I don't think so. How about bikini girls? Something like, that doesn't really have a mind? And then Manimal, they went full board into that concept because those girls were such bikini girls they couldn't conceive of anything outside of bikini photo shoot. So, it was okay for them to get their boats going because who gives a shit? They won't even know whether to be happy or sad about it. I made a mistake here. I didn't pay close enough attention.

I'm just now realizing this. Is there any possibility that's the same guy in the same boat? And they're like, when it came time, where are we going to get a boat for cheap? That Douglas Schwartz and Michael Burke were like, we know a guy. He's going to want to touch some models. And they're like, it's 1986. That's still cool. Let's do it.

I hate that I didn't even check. It might be the same guy. So now they're on the sea in a speedboat chase. Again, just, it's fucking wild that in an upcoming episode we're gonna talk about Hulk Hogan and the Ascension Speedboat when there's a speedboat chase in this. You're so right that they're telling us they're lost in time.

They've become fragmented across like eras because each part makes sense for like one different show. But they're in all of them. This was in Manimal. This was in Wizard, and it only makes sense to be. And it's in proper chronological order to act as a man. I'm a lack act. B is the Toymaster Act and act C is a speedboat chase act.

Holy shit, you're right. What the fuck are they doing? Are they secretly geniuses that planned this over the span of a decade just to fucking prove that they can do it? Is it just like a dumb? One of us is about to tear off their face and reveal ugly shorts.

Oh! I made Baywatch, that's how I can afford to run this novelty hot dog website. I'm coasting on Baywatch money. So now they're on the sea in a speedboat chase. The villain is tragically not a skeleton. It'd be way better if he was his plan. Remember it was always, I need to get rid of this wolf girl because she could implicate me in a murder from years ago and ruin my

business and put me in jail. So he's got her and they're running away in a speedboat. He looks back. This happens in Manimal. It happens in The Wizard. He looks back and he sees, oh no, I'm being chased by witnesses, government agents. They're watching my every move. I got to get away with murdering this girl's parents so that they don't find out.

So I'm gonna murder this girl in front of the government so that she can't tell the government I'm a murderer. Yeah, sound logic, you know? The dumbest thing I've ever seen on television. So he has them right in front of witnesses, in this case, in front of a government agent that he knows is a government agent. He talked to him just a little bit ago.

He throws the whole crate in the river with the wolf girl and all is just like, fuck it, let's go! And this is another scene that relied originally on manimal powers. And manimal, he turned into a dolphin. It hurt. It took him a long time and he was not very good at it, but he did it. And then he headbutted a fucking shark to death to save her from that crate. Awesome. Now, I don't think little people can do that. So, Simon...

I think you're right. I don't want to commit. So what Simon does is he uses a remote-controlled toy submarine to fire self-inflating balloon darts that lift the crate to the surface. I love that. At first I was like, what the fuck? And then I was like, wait a second. This would actually be pretty useful for retrieving a treasure box or something. This would be good for ocean exploration. It was a slightly more coherent and elegant solution to have a little person pilot a remote control toy submarine

that fires balloon darts to lift a wolf girl to the surface than it was to have a playboy manamalize into a dolphin and poke fight a shark to death. Good point. Slightly, it was slightly more. I'll give you a little bit. It's also had like a virtual boy interface, like he had like.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, it's such a screen. He's also had like a virtual boy interface like he had it like Yeah, it's not just a screen he's like yeah got this right out to his face if we're lying about technology have some ambition just Put a little picture put a sticker of a wolf girl on there. We don't know he saved her the bad guys are giving up They're gonna surrender themselves. They've tried two murders and it didn't work We're gonna fast forward to the wolf girl trying to learn human language again. It's the same scene as in Manimal. It plays out very similarly with a couple of differences. I do have that clip. Girl.

Yes. Yes, that's your face. That's Manimal. Yes, that's you smiling. Yes. You. Yes. Yes, that's your face. That's my animal. Yes, that's you smiling. Yes. You. Yes. Sarah.

Do it. Sarah. Become girl. Great. You've been at it all morning. What happened with the grand jury? Langley was indicted on all counts. Good. At last she recognized who she is. Now all we have to do is put the face with the name Sarah girl good job by George I think she's got it you're in For what you've done. Right. Like, okay.

Sarah, consent! Sarah! Linda. This is the wizard. Yes. That's you. Linda. girl. Yes, that's you smiling.

That's your face, Linda, Linda. How's it going? Great. Linda, they've been at it all morning. How'd it go with the grand jury? Deshaies was indicted on all counts. Simon, any word on Drummond's appeal to get custody of Linda? The judge turned him down flat. Crap.

L-Linda... Linda... Linda! It's me. Linda! Linda! Linda! Girl! That's it, you got it! You got it, Linda! He's not in trouble. Yeah, nobody said, now you're in fucking trouble. Because I guess the implication is that she was going to tell someone about all of the things that they, they did, uh, with the animal.

But I will say she had a snake in her butt. I think let's be clear. Right. What, one thing that, uh, the wizard has going for it here is that completely out of context, it doesn't sound like some kind of Tumblr daddy Dom trying to do some kind of humiliation routine with someone. Whereas Simon McCorkindale 100% sounds like he's just, yes, yes, that's you. Sarah. They were so-

You're a girl, Sarah. Yes. At last she can consent. So. Okay. But wait, wait a second though. Okay. So in Manimel, she's an adult, I guess, and they're going to sort of like rehabilitate her and then she'll just like be a rich person because she owns half of this business or all of it now, I guess, because that guy's going to jail. In The Wizard, there's the thing about, oh, did that researcher get custody of a human being

because that's something that can happen? And they're like, no, no, he didn't. So what's going to happen? Are they going to raise her? Is she just going to go into like a foster home? Like, what's gonna happen? Also, she's much better at language than a- Well, thunder in Paradise has an answer,

but you're not gonna like it. I can't. Yeah, they didn't solve it until the third try. Yeah. Yeah, they figured it out, but it's not good. Hey, speaking of, that was the end of the episode. We're gonna do one more of these next time. It's Thunder in Paradise, where we're gonna do all of this.

Can I say something? What? I'm so fucking excited we're doing a third full podcast about this shit. It's hubris of the greatest order We can only assume that we will be rewarded with our version of Baywatch after we're all done Yeah, we're gonna do all this again and replace the little person toy genius David Raphforth with Hulk Hoganogan, and a talking speedboat, and see what's different. It's supreme day here on Hot Dog Prime. The day where all hot dog denizens stand tall and proudly salute the heroes who made the ultimate sacrifice in our never-ending meat war against the vile burger race. Aaron Crustin

Adrian H Aidan Mouat Alex Nolenberg who held on to a grenade too long. That's a lesson for you new recruits. If you love something, like a hand grenade, gotta let it go. Alpha Scientist Javo

Un-Andy Armando Nava Benjamin Sironin died from flamethrower wounds received at the Platoon Barbecue, but let the record show his hot dogs were cooked to perfection and in record time. Bim Talzer BrandonGarlok Brian Saylor Burrito Serrell Chase Clementine Danger never opened his parachute.

He's convinced you don't take fall damage if you land on the enemy. We applaud the sentiment, even as we mourn the result. Greg Lemoy Quavis Dan B Daniel Sloan Devin the Rogue Supreme David Schull Dean Costello Delta Foxtrot found out his own wife was a burger and turned her in without a second

thought. Some say he died when the Swat Dogs raided his house. We know it was really a broken heart. Drayson Dusty's Rad Title Eric Ria Every zig Fancy shark Gareth tried teen-wulting a burger tank Tried I do dishonor to the man, he teen-wulfed that

burger tank, it still counts if you crash it into a lake Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his hot witches. Greg Cunningham. Ham-boad. Haraka died from potato poisoning. Just regular old potato poisoning. Wash those potatoes. No job too small. Harvey Ben-Gweeney. Honk. Jaber Al Aiden James Borde Jared Mountain Mad Jeff Oreske fatally crashed the Dodge Hyperchallenger he bought with his signing bonus.

How many good soldiers will we lose to the Dodge Hyperchallenger? Jim Salter John Dean John McCammon John Minkoff Joseph Searles Josh S Joshua Graves Justin B K&M Kumut Zes was hollowed out and had his animated corpse used as a honeypot trapped by the burgers. Remember to wrap those

wieners hot dogs. Kyle Campbell Lisa M Jahi Chapelle Mark Mahoney Matt Riley butt-dialed an air strike on himself at a gender reveal party. It's a girl, and she's already enlisted to avenge her daddy. Max Beroy Michael Dillon

Michael Lair Mickey Lowman Mike Stiles Moju Mort is actually a burger, who saw the freedoms and benefit packages we offer and was won over. Don't shoot the skinny burger in the long bun, he's on our side. Mr Bob Gray, indeed. Neil Bailey, Neil Shaffer. Neku 104 held a machine gun nest against a 4,000 strong burger horde, only to die of

diabetes at this very awards ceremony. Proper nutrition isn't just a good idea. It's your duty. Ozzy Olin Patrick Herbst Rachel Rhiannon Sarkovsky hollowed out a sexy burger and climbed inside to use it as a honeypot trap. It worked a little too well, but good initiative, soldier. Sean Chase. Spotty reception.

Super Non. Ted H. Thomas Kvatsos. Timmy Leahy knows if you see two buns, you start shooting. It's a tragedy what happened at that hunk convention, but vigilance is always market price. Tommy G. Velo. Bo G. Velo.

Booster. Waylon Russell. Zack and Ava both simultaneously choked to death on Footlongs, but that was one hell of a USO show, wasn't it, dogs? And finally, Hot Dog Prime hereby posthumously bestows the Medal of Misguided Valor on Sergeant Ken Paisley, who died in a kamikaze run on a burger nest. It turned out it was just an old pizza hut.

Their shaped a lot alike. Remember cadets, if it's flat and cheesy, say pizza pleasey. If it's beefy and round, you bomb it to the ground.