The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 175, Thunder In Paradise With Merritt K

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

In the final installment of the Wolf Child Trilogy, Brockway is again joined by Seanbaby and Merritt K to discuss Thunder in Paradise, the show about Hulk Hogan and a talking speedboat. Let's see how ...a single TV episode's plot changes when you replace the main character with a British warg, a little person toy genius, or Hulk Hogan fired out of a sentient speedboat. SPOILERS: It's surprisingly little!

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 1-900-HOT-DOG 1-900-HOT-DOG Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say Hot Dog Podcast Word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.
Starting point is 00:00:22 You know the number. 1-900 1-900-HOTDOG, America's last good thing. Come support us on slash 1-900-Hotdog for new long-form comedy articles, every single weekday plus exclusive team ups, bonus podcasts, and more! Yes! New, high-effort art, daily, by talented, well-paid humans. It's the business model that collapsed the entire internet. So come take advantage of it before we die, before we pivot to an AI robot and start recapping Reddit threads. I'm Wolfboy Robert Brockway, and with me is the tender monster who taught me language, Sean Baby.
Starting point is 00:01:23 Sean Baby boy. Sean baby boy. Brockway, girl, Brockway, wolf. I don't get it. You've been at it all morning. He's not gonna get it. Let's move on. He's never gonna get it. And our guest, it's, oh no,
Starting point is 00:01:38 it's the Skeletor who murdered my parents, Merritt Kay. Oh God, yeah. I'm the child that Jack Lemon never should have had and I'm here to do a tv show with with my best friend Hulk Hogan and we're gonna have a good time. That sounds harsh but I feel like we're gonna justify it. By the end of this podcast where our mission is to bring you around to Jack Lemon should not have had. I always forget that that's Jack Lemmon's son. It's the only reason. And just as much talent. I mean, really.
Starting point is 00:02:09 Absolutely. Yeah. We're once again, this is like when Jason gets too excited at Big Feet. We're skipping the whole reason we do this. Merritt, where can people find more from you? Yeah, I'm on Patreon. And that's kind of my job right now is I'm writing a bunch of stuff. I'm making comics. All kinds of stuff, slash Mary Kay. I'm on socials and stuff too. And also I write
Starting point is 00:02:34 for a website called 1-900-HOTDOG. Oh, hell yeah. That site rules. Yeah, it's pretty good. I don't know what beautiful geniuses came up with it, but it's pretty cool. I'm bi-weekly there now, which is awesome. So yeah, so yeah, I write about all kinds of stuff. So if you go to that Patreon and give it money, it will trickle down to you like in a Ronald Reagan kind of way. Exactly. So you have your choice kind of either one. Either one is good. But yeah, I mean, I mostly write about like like eighties and nineties toys and forgotten nonsense. But then occasionally we'll just do something incredibly upsetting.
Starting point is 00:03:11 Like I did the sex role playing game a while ago. And then- Oh yeah, that was no good. Today's special episode about alcoholism was kind of rough too. That one made me feel better about my drinking. Yeah, I mean, if you're not passing out in a Canadian department store in the 1980s. I've never gaslit a mouse. I felt better about myself.
Starting point is 00:03:33 I have fought many puppets. Right, of course. I feel like if a living mannequin man isn't giving you sort of like a look of inscrutable shame, then you're fine. That's how you know if it's a problem. If not, then you're good. Did you grow up with that show, Today's Special, in Canada? Yeah, I did, I did. The mannequin comes to life. The puppets learn about alcoholism.
Starting point is 00:03:56 It seems like a good show, I didn't watch it. I mean, that mannequin in many ways was my mannequin, because I've never seen mannequin in the movie. What, really? Yeah, no, I don't know. Uh-oh. The most Canadian thing I've never seen Mannequin, the movie. What, really? Yeah, no, I don't know. It's the most Canadian thing I've ever heard. Yeah, no, we had Today's Special, which is really our... Yeah, you wouldn't know, it's our version of Mannequin.
Starting point is 00:04:14 And yeah, I definitely had like weird confusing feelings about that Mannequin man for a long time. So didn't Today's Special come first? Isn't that one of the... It's like the Hydrox Oreo thing? Cuz they even when you said he also did he designs like window displays also is that it's no that not the living mannequin It's that's Jodie who's like the only human character in the show somebody there that's her job is to go into the store at night and
Starting point is 00:04:42 Arrange things in the window, which is like oh my god. That that's weird. That has to be a rip off then. It has to be. No, it came first. Mannequin's mad man. I know, but I mean, Mannequin has to be rip off of that. Right. And they were thinking like, ah, this is a Canadian TV show. No one's ever going to know that we ripped this off. It's the 80s. We can get away with literally anything as writers. They were right. They were right.
Starting point is 00:05:03 I mean, we'd find out eventually, but they're all dead, or yeah, no, they're all dead. Hey, speaking of, are Douglas Schwartz and Michael Burke dead? Uh, yeah, probably. I'm gonna assume. Right? Like nobody's, they're not under arrest, so they got away with it. They're free or dead one way or the other. That's that, by the way, is what this podcast is about. We're skipping right to it because this has been our life for the last three weeks. We've forgotten what normal life is. But if you are just tuning in, don't do that. There are two previous episodes to this, The Wizard and Manimal. We are talking about Douglas Schwartz and Michael Burke, two screenwriters in the 80s.
Starting point is 00:05:45 They started in 1983 with the show Manimal, which is about a manimal. You don't need to know any more than that. And they wrote an episode of Manimal called Female of the Species, where a young child was lost on the Ganges River in India. Her parents were killed and she was raised by wolves and then they brought her back to society, and Manable had to protect her from the hitman that wanted to kill her because the guy that murdered her parents was their business partner, and he wants her to stay gone and not inherit the business. And so that was a fine episode of 1980s TV, only occasionally ruined by a very strange, ostensibly British man turning into painfully, sexually turning
Starting point is 00:06:26 into half animals for like a really long time. And then they wrote the show The Wizard, which was a little person toy genius for the government. I can't believe, God, you could just get anything made. You just get fucking anything made. And in that show, they wrote, I think it was then called Just Endangered Species, but it was the exact same plot. And when we say same plot, we mean sometimes, a lot of times, they literally copy pasted. Well, I guess they wouldn't have copy pasted. They ripped it out of the script. They literally copied and pasted. Yeah, they had to cut it out. They might have just scratched out all the lines that were about Manimal on a script and wrote in the margins like, little person toy genius.
Starting point is 00:07:07 That would have been a much more descriptive title too than The Wizard. Because I noticed when we talked, when the Wizard episode came out, a lot of people were like, oh, are they talking about the movie The Wizard? Because that seems like really obvious. And it's like, no, it's like a show. I mean, the title isn't as descriptive as Manimal but Little Person Toy Genius, I feel like would have gotten it across much more effectively. Absolutely. It was a missed opportunity. And then after that, sometime after that, they
Starting point is 00:07:36 wrote or helped create Baywatch. That was in 1989. It became obviously a billion dollar franchise. They had all the clout. There was no more impressive pair of writers at that point in time. They used that clout to make a show called Thunder in Paradise. I want to pause here though. I think we talked about Baywatch on the show before. If you don't know, Baywatch had about 40 plots per episode, just like rapid fire crises that were solved by these lifeguards. And I don't think they ever did a feral boy one. So like, they took a break from their feral child obsession. It's crazy.
Starting point is 00:08:15 And at a time when they desperately needed just any kind of storyline. Right. As strange as it sounds, that would have slotted in perfectly in Baywatch. I could easily imagine them finding like a feral child being raised by seals. And he only speaks the seal language, watching class. Because you don't have to resolve it. That was the thing about what we discovered watching Baywatch, is that you can introduce 40 plots, close up two of them, and you're good, baby.
Starting point is 00:08:41 Yes, me and Bleach could throw that guy in a dog catcher truck and boom, wrapped up. Wrapped up, done. There's a loose dinosaur, there's a flaming boat heading for an orphanage. We don't give a shit, we're done, we did our one. So they made Baywatch and they had all the clout in the world and they used it to make a show called Thunder in Paradise with Hulk Hogan and a sometimes sentient, sometimes not speedboat, and a definitely not at all sentient Chris Lemon. What was it? Brubaker is the character I think he plays in the show. He's the, hard quotes here, he's the comic relief sidekick. And it's, that's the
Starting point is 00:09:20 one we're covering today because in that show they did it again. Another it's called it's they didn't even change the title. It's called endangered species. It's an episode of thunder in paradise about a feral child wash up and the Hulkster, the Hulkster in his speedboat, take him in, raise him as his own. And he, the hitman come after him. It's the whole thing. They do the whole thing again.
Starting point is 00:09:45 I think we'll dissect the process a little more, but I think they used the wizard script and not the manimal script when they made this. I agree. I actually do agree. I noticed that too. I agree. We'll get into that. Just real quick, in the bonus episode, we're going to go into the fourth time they did this. They created the show after this, a UPN show. So obviously they had burned all of this clout on Hulk Hogan. They were no longer the makers of a billion-dollar franchise. They're banished to UPN. In 2001, they made Sheena when the whole show was just about this feral woman who was Queen of the Jungle, and in the show where she's already this episode they keep making, they did this episode again. It's called Feral King. It breaks the template in a lot of ways, which is why we're going
Starting point is 00:10:36 to talk about it in the bonus episode. But the Thunder in Paradise one is, again, just a photocopy of that script with Hulk Hogan's speedboat written in the margins. And we're gonna go through that now. It's called Endangered Species. And all of these open roughly the same way. The one thing that Thunder in Paradise does different is in Manimal and the Wizard they are watching a video of what happens. And what happens is a bunch of a bunch of hunters, a bunch of indigenous people are drumming and shaking the bushes and driving some sort of prey out of hiding. And then they catch it and whoops, it's a person. And then we pull out and they're in like an academic lecture just just for fun.
Starting point is 00:11:21 Just I think Sean said, auditing a Wolf Girl class, that's what it is. Right, but you can't have Hulk Hogan doing that, that's absurd. No. You'd get confused. You can't have Hulk Hogan Go on a rampage. Auditing a class.
Starting point is 00:11:32 Nobody's gonna buy it. Nobody's gonna believe it. So we do that. I'm here to audit the class, brother. You're like, I don't know what this is, but it's not that thing you said. You're just like some of those undercover student eating ogre or something. I would immediately assume and start looking around for the other obvious
Starting point is 00:11:50 wrestler student, be like, you're going to throw him through a table. I'm on camera show. Like the professor's doing like a fun bit where he has like a friend come in to like pretend to be a student, but then jumps up and starts, you know, throwing people into chairs and tables and stuff. It's a prank at least. Did you get big? Did a college student wish to be big? Is that what's happening? Because it got way too big.
Starting point is 00:12:10 I like this one because instead of the like indigenous people like doing some sort of sacred like animal hunting ritual, it's just like a bunch of assholes. It's like they got a dog to bounty hunter. I guess that's a type of Hulk Hogan. They have an evil Hogan. Like I have like a guy who in the kind of low quality of the video that's available online, I thought was Hulk Hogan at first. Yeah. Because he has the same hairstyle. He's a dog bounty hunter. Yeah. That's a variant Hogan. That's a subtype. Sure. Subtype of Hogan. Yeah. So it's a subclass. You can, you know,. Sure, subtype of Hogan. Yeah, it's a subclass. You can digivolve into that when you want. Yeah, you have to specialize.
Starting point is 00:12:49 You have to specialize into... You have to expose Hulk Hogan to the Moonstone, and then he'll turn into Dog the Bounty Hunter. Doesn't sound right. Into a different kind of racism, I should have said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is happening in real time in the episode. We're watching these dirtbag hunters just catch a wolf boy.
Starting point is 00:13:07 They catch a wolf boy, they fire a fucking net gun at him, because I guess we had that. I guess that was common back in the 90s. This may have come through because they see it's a kid, and they're like, what the fuck? They didn't know it was a kid the whole time they're hunting it. So what these guys are, they're like illegal, like
Starting point is 00:13:25 animal dealers. And so they saw this and they're like, immediately immediately thought, I'm sure some of these weird snake owners would buy a human boy. You know what I mean? They weren't like, throw this one back. It's a human boy. Or they're just like, yeah, whatever. Throw it in with the penguins. I'm sure we'll find a buyer for it. Which like, I don't like that. That's not how poachers work.
Starting point is 00:13:49 Poachers, for the most part, I know that they do sometimes, but for the most part, they are not taking the animals alive to give to people as pets. Yeah. It happens every once in a while. I don't really think it happens with half wolf boys. Like, I don't think there's a, no, I don't want, if there is a market for that, I don't want to know about it.
Starting point is 00:14:05 Nobody write in, nobody tell me about that. Right, right. I don't need to know anymore. They could be hunting for meat. I took it they were like exotic pet dealers for like... Yes, I think that's what they are in the show. I'm just saying... But one thing I'm not clear on here.
Starting point is 00:14:20 Right, okay. So in the other versions of this, it's pretty obvious that the child was caught in India, right? I think it was India both times. So we opened in Thunder Paradise with like a real time hunt happening with these like scumbags hunting this child. And then it immediately cuts to like, the next scene. So was the child caught in India and they drove a speedboat all the way across the ocean to Florida? Or was the child a feral wolf child in Florida? No, and this, this is very important, because we'll hit on this later. And why this is a really wild decision. They decided to make it all in Florida. So they did this.
Starting point is 00:15:06 This isn't like the Florida Keys, where they had a feral wolf boy in the Florida Keys. Because it's never really like, that's what I thought. But I was like, there's no way that could be intended, right? Like, there's no way. No, there's a way. There's a way. There's just a child running. I mean, I guess it's Florida.
Starting point is 00:15:27 He would probably fit in. Like no one's gonna, you know, not to, sorry, not to do a Florida man joke, like it's 2011, but like, you know. But in the last episode, the feral child went out and the kids were like, whoa, you're a fucking feral child. What the hell are you doing here? They don't do that in this one.
Starting point is 00:15:43 He goes out and he interacts with other humans and they don't show any scene where the kids are like, they're strange. Like, yeah, we're from Florida. We know lots of kids like you. Yeah, they're just like, oh, you can barely talk because you don't have social skills. Here's Jimmy.
Starting point is 00:15:58 They left Jimmy in a closet for like six years. So there's a lot of them. We got a lot of them down here in Florida. Jimmy's a closet boy. We got a couple of Latter Day Saints kids. They're a little weird. Mm-hmm. That's basically a closet.
Starting point is 00:16:11 Yeah, that's more of a closet. All right, getting dark. So they catch the boy, they jump in their speedboat, and they just haul ass. They're like, can't slow down for a second. We have to get this wolf boy to the store, to the exotic pet store while he's still fresh, before civilization gets into him.
Starting point is 00:16:31 And as they're speeding, they hit a manatee. And it just so happens that Hulk and Brubaker, that's Chris Lemon's character, are out designating manatee zones the exact time this happens. What the hell, what is that even? It's even weirder than you making it sound because Brubaker's like looking at the manatees and he's like,
Starting point is 00:16:54 God, how did anyone ever mistake these for mermaids? Wait a second. You know, now that I'm looking at them, God fuck a manatee. Let's stop the show and make it clear. Yeah. There's an old show and make it clear. Yeah. There's an old White-as-Kids-you-know sketch about a king who wants to fuck a mermaid,
Starting point is 00:17:13 and they bring him a manatee, and he's still into it. And that's what I got from this. Chris Lundman is just like, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm coming around on it. All right. I can kind of see what they were talking about. He's talking himself into wanting to fuck it. He's like, Hulkster, you take one end, I'll take the other, right?
Starting point is 00:17:33 We're in this together. You know, I like thick girls, brother. I love that they needed Hulk and Brubaker there. They had to designate the zones like live as they're doing it. So like they look, they see a manatee and they're like, well, this is a manatee zone. What if it moves?
Starting point is 00:17:51 Like, that's not how this works. It's so fucking dumb. Like they're like, we need to get Hulk Hogan to see these guys in the boat. How do we do that? They're at the same spot Yeah, but why manatees? They can't I said the whole thing you need more than that. Yeah
Starting point is 00:18:12 Or less you could just be left they could just be out there like speedboating around and watch them like yeah Hey brother, this is a no-wake zone like easy. That's done You don't need to bring Sea World into it. Did Sea World pay to be in this episode mentioned so many times? Carol Arl works at Sea World. I don't know if she does through the whole series because I haven't seen it, but... It is weird. Also, I don't know... It's like hotels and shit in it too. It's a wild fucking show. This is a really unlucky day for the poachers to be... I mean, they're bad people, fuck them, but like, this is the first day, the one day they traffic a human and they like get into a manatee accident
Starting point is 00:18:49 Right in front of Hulk Hogan and his superboat. It's just like you on the one day on the one day It's his job to save manatees. That's not his job in the show. No, that's not clear Never done this before Okay, so I know you guys did an episode on this with Dan like last year, so I don't wanna like get too deep in the show, but like, what is, like, are they secret agents? I forget, like, what is their deal? They're speedboat, they're speedboat friends.
Starting point is 00:19:18 They're like, he's a former mercenary. It's trying to occupy like an A-Team kind of space. Right, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. General do-gooders for hire, but not really. So I guess they've been hired by the Manatees in this one? Also, like, also critical question that I need answered, and I could probably just look this up, but after Chris Lemon is talking about the Manatees,
Starting point is 00:19:41 and also I have to point out, he's like pretty jacked here, which like good for him uh he didn't need to be I feel like because Hulk Hogan has that covered already like it's kind of unnecessary your comic relief uh are Chris Lemon and Carol all supposed to be a couple because I don't think so but I don't know okay they're sort of like hugging and and stuff and I'm just like that's I, I can't, I cannot believe that. I think that's just like 90s inappropriate touching. Okay. I'm much more comfortable with that. I think he brought that energy to set.
Starting point is 00:20:13 And because it was the 90s, nobody stopped him. Right, right. So they've hit a manatee and Hulk Hogan and Brubaker, I'm never gonna call him anything but Hulk Hogan. I'll call Chris Lem and something else, but he's Hulk Hogan, they get in a speedboat chase. They start, you know, chasing them down in their speedboat. And I just want to pause and like point out here the differences in the episodes now, because to accomplish this scene, the child is caught, it's brought back to society, they find out about it in both Manimal and The Wizard.
Starting point is 00:20:45 It was done by the main character wanting to better themselves and going to like take optional education and then having their heart won over by like what's happening to this child. And they looked at this for Hulk Hogan and went, fucking nope, scratch that out. It's a speedboat gunfight full of manatees. That's how we're gonna get Hulk to this same place.
Starting point is 00:21:07 In doing this show, and this is what I want to focus on, contrasting what you have to change and what you can keep the same when you swap in a manimal, a wizard, and a Hulk Hogan speedboat, and thus they have to change so much for Hogan. On paper, I think it's the best one. But like as you watch it, you're like, this sucks. This this completely sucks. But it shouldn't. It should if you're like, what if take this college lecture and turn it into a Hulk Hogan speedboat chase with a fucking mounted minigun?
Starting point is 00:21:40 Like this boat has everything. It has like deployable Batmobile shields. Lightning arcs that can disable motors. Yeah, it's the Batman's utility boat, the speedboat. I remember looking this up for the Thunder Paradise, the special episode we did about the Confederate Army. Like they had the boat, there was a real boat like that it was based on that they built for this or they only, or it's like a super boat that they hadn't built a lot of. So this is just like somebody had a cool thing and was like, ah, that's a show.
Starting point is 00:22:12 That's my favorite thing. When they're like, it's excellent. They find a costume and it was like, I got this costume in my basement. That's a show, right? And it was, it was wonderful. Working in the eighties, it was so easy. So they get into this big speedboat chase. There's gunfire, there's mini guns, they force them to pull over.
Starting point is 00:22:34 And they go save the boy. And now, after they save the boy, now that's enough to get Hulk Hogan to a college. Now he has to go to a college to be like, what happened to this kid, brother? to get Hulk Hogan to a college. Now he has to go to a college to be like, what happened to this kid, brother? So we couldn't, as an episode, as writers of this episode, we couldn't say Hulk Hogan's attending a college. We had to say, okay, Hulk Hogan's attending a speedboat chase, and then he needs to go to college
Starting point is 00:22:59 to find out what happened during that speedboat chase. You're describing speedboat college, which is the script I've been trying to get made since 1981. If you were there in 1981, you know that would have been made. You would have had a billion dollar franchise right now. That's true.
Starting point is 00:23:18 So once again, we attended this class on Feral Children. And you would think since they have now gender swapped in the first two episodes in manimal and wizard it was a very sexy adult woman in manimal it was a much younger still girl in the wizard and it is now a very very young boy so you would think they would not do this her animal habitat patterns are very strong as As a matter of fact, until I fashioned something for her to wear out of an animal of prey, she would violently tear off any clothing we tried to put on her. That was Manimal. Her animal behavior is so deeply ingrained that...
Starting point is 00:23:56 Well, until I was able to fashion for her a garment from an animal of prey, she would violently tear off any clothes we tried to put on her. The wizard. His animalistic behavior was so ingrained he fought us when we cut his hair and nails and until I fashioned the garment from an animal of prey he'd violently tear off whatever clothes we tried to put on him. Not great. Thunder in paradise. Okay, like you...
Starting point is 00:24:27 paradise. Okay, like you. I call bullshit on the idea that this professor fashioned a garment from an animal of prey. Like unless he means, oh I went and I bought a wool sweater for him because wool comes from a sheep. That's a prey animal, right? I don't know. Sure. But like what are you talking about? I keep skunks, raccoons, I guess. Yeah. I had a terrible skunk in front of this boy. Why would he voluntarily, if he thinks he's a wolf, why does he think wolves wear their prey? Does he think they wear like little deer sweaters? You're asking this now,
Starting point is 00:24:59 but this is our third chance to ask that question. Yeah, I know. There are always going to be new questions because this is gets fucking insane that they did this. Of all the things, I love that you saw the script and you're like, what's this voluntarily attending a college class?
Starting point is 00:25:14 Not for Hulk Hogan, we gotta change this. The thing about ripping his clothes off involuntarily. Yeah, that stays. That's gonna stay. I know we're in here making changes, but that's not gonna be one of them. That's part of the core narrative. That's gonna stay. I know we're in here making changes, but that's not gonna be one of them. That's part of the core narrative. That can't go.
Starting point is 00:25:28 Also not changing is the fact that he keeps him in the fucking basement. In all three episodes, they find this scientific oddity and just a human being and are like, well, you're going in a cage in the basement. Everybody loves that. So Wolf Boy is in a cage in the basement. Everybody loves that. So Wolf Boy is in a cage in the basement, and once again a mysterious hitman wanders in and throws a super high-tech incendiary device in there, self-destructing, that doesn't work. It doesn't self-destruct, but it's supposed to, and just to start a fire to ostensibly kill the Wolf Boy. Now, I was so sure, because it didn't pay off the first two episodes in Manimal,
Starting point is 00:26:07 it was like, why is there a super device here? That's fucking crazy. And then when they did it in The Wizard, which is all about little gadgets, I'm like, okay, he's gonna be like rival gadget maker or something. It wasn't. But now it's Hulk Hogan in a speedboat, like, okay, arms dealer, rival sci-fi arms dealer. No. The one thing across all these episodes is they never explain that or make it pay off at all. It's crazy. It's just really incompetent Hitman is sort of the explanation for all of this. With a super device? Did he design it himself? Yeah. I mean, what I love about this version of it, I don't think this happened in the first two, What I love about this version of it, I don't think this happened in the first two,
Starting point is 00:26:44 is in this one, the wolf child runs up to the bomb, and then puts his face directly into it, and then it catches on. Yeah, and he's like, what's this? And it's like, I guess that could be a reaction you would have, I guess. And then it bursts into flames, and he starts yelping and runs off.
Starting point is 00:27:04 And the noise that he makes. Like if that was a flashbang, he'd be dead. If that was like any store-bought firework, he's dead. Right. You're done. That's it. It's like a testament to how bad this mercenary hitman is. It's just like he can run up and fucking smell it.
Starting point is 00:27:20 He knows he's not going to die. Like not only did it not work or not self-destruct or whatever, it didn't do anything. I mean, it caught on fire, but a match would have done that. Yeah, anything, any lighter. You've got to throw in a lighter in there. That begs the question, is it a high-tech self-destructing super device, as they say in the show? They do say that in the show. Is it a high-tech self-destructing super device if it doesn't do any of those things? Because like I have a laser gun.
Starting point is 00:27:51 It doesn't work. Right. At all. It doesn't fight. It doesn't fire lasers. It doesn't turn on. Doesn't do anything. But I built a sci-fi laser gun by this logic. I get it. Just insane. I'll allow it. Congratulations on the laser gun. Now his shit's on fire. In all the episodes, this goes the same, and we come back to the classroom,
Starting point is 00:28:11 and in Manimal, they hear the feral child, feral woman in Manimal howling, and only Manimal, because he's so connected to the animal world, can tell like, oh, I know what that means, I know what that hell means. And so they tried to pull it off again in The Wizard and like, it's a little iffy, but because he's like a super empathetic genius in The Wizard, you're like, okay, he senses somehow what she really means by that hell. That's shaky. But then in the Hulk Hogan version, remember, this is the Hulkster sitting uncomfortably at a tiny college desk, and this happens. Her howling sounds so sad.
Starting point is 00:28:54 This is Manimal. That's not sadness. That's fear. It's Wizard. In the 86 recorded cases of children being raised by... Her howling sounds so sad. Listen. That's fear. 86 recorded cases of children being raised by her always sounds so sad fear It's howling sounds sad That's fear
Starting point is 00:29:14 Hi, see I think Hulk Hogan would know better than anyone because In the 80s most of those wrestlers didn't speak English. Savage Samoans, George the animal steel, like he fought a lot of men who were mostly animals and he could sense their fear. That's how he knew it was time to drop that leg drop. I like how the subtle differences where they take out, like he doesn't say like, oh, that's not sadness. He doesn't know anything about sadness.
Starting point is 00:29:40 He just recognizes fear. Right. Just. Yeah. Yeah, no. It's a very Hulkster thing to do. The same line, very few changes, but really dramatic, different tone when you put Hulk Hogan in there instead of a little person toy genius.
Starting point is 00:29:56 Who would have thought? So he runs downstairs to save the kid from the fire. The kid, while he opens the door, runs off. It slips past him, jukes the hulkster. They pull the fire alarm and go after him. But instead of like in Manimal and in Wizard, they just run across like an intersection. And that's their first, that's the Feral Children's first like taste of civilization. They're like, what's cars? Oh, planes, what? And in here, we do that too. But before that, we go into ultra slow motion as the boy runs through a fountain.
Starting point is 00:30:31 Like this is the craziest fucking thing anybody's ever seen is a child running through a fountain, just like a fountain in a plaza. And then afterwards, he runs through an intersection and like some cars almost crash. Why not do the slow-mo on the cars? What did the fountain mean? I think the thing that struck me most about this is in Manimal it looked like a Tarzan lady and in The Wizard it looked like she was like a mud golem. She was completely covered. You saw her and you're like, something terrible has happened.
Starting point is 00:31:03 This just looks like a boy having like a caveman-themed Halloween party or something. Like, it just, it's just a kid in a costume. There's no reason to think it's strange. Yeah. Much less, much less slow down him running through the fountain. I think it's their Baywatch instincts, maybe?
Starting point is 00:31:19 Like, anytime you're running through the water, they're like, we gotta slow it down. Right. Because it accomplishes nothing. It's not dramatic. It's like the least dramatic thing he does. He runs into an active intersection after that, and they're just like, yeah, fuck it, whatever.
Starting point is 00:31:31 Maybe they just came in like 10 seconds short. It's just the Garth Marenghi style thing. They're just like, got to fill 10 seconds. So in Manimal and the Wizard, the feral child has escaped and they're on the run and the cops are after them, apparently not really understanding what this is because in Manimal they pull a fucking shotgun on that lady for no reason. And they don't in the Wizard, but he goes in and kind of reasons with her. Now, I'm going to assume this is one of the things they had to change thanks to a note from the Hulkster himself. Because instead of like arguing or disagreeing with police,
Starting point is 00:32:07 he's like, no, brother, the Hulkster wouldn't do that. But what the Hulkster would do instead is beat up some bikers. Like, you know what? You know what's like arguing to bikers? It's pile drivers. So that's so that's what they do instead. The Wolf Child runs out and he steals some bikers barbecue. And I guess they're gonna kill him for it?
Starting point is 00:32:26 To be clear, it's a turkey leg. They're barbe- they're barbecuing a single turkey leg. Like a fucking cartoon. And he takes one big comical bite out of it. He might as well be like floating there like carried by like the visible scent of the turkey leg. And they're gonna kill him. Kick over a trash can and final fight.
Starting point is 00:32:45 He like found some power. Right. Yeah. He's chewing it down. I love this whole scene. Pull a fish skeleton out. They like grab him. They're like, kid, what are you doing eating our turkey leg?
Starting point is 00:32:54 We'll fucking kill you. Like they kind of immediately figured out he's a caveman too. Like they look at his fingernails so that we the viewers know like, okay, he knows he's a cave boy. And Hulk Hogan shows up and he says, hey, leave him alone. And they say, what are you, his keeper? I'm like, yeah, he fucking might be his dad or something.
Starting point is 00:33:10 And maybe he approached the 300 pound creature with some caution. Yeah. And like, yeah, what are you, who are you, his keeper? Like, I guess they're going for like, oh, like zoo keeper, but like, right. It feels like the someone like a lion, someone like half came up with as he was talking and that guy was like, Oh, fuck, that didn't make any sense. I should have said something else. I was gonna say, Oh, are you, am I his
Starting point is 00:33:38 brother's keeper? Are you and then he just kind of brain melted. He beats these fucking guys up like they're nothing. He knocks out one guy with a shrug. Like the guy grabs him, he's like, moves one shoulder, the guy like flies into a board, dies.
Starting point is 00:33:53 He's just completely annoyed that these men are in his path. And I think- Yeah, they pose no challenge to him. And he's worse in the boat. The boat is crazy overpowered. It's just the most overpowered hero on TV. Yeah, there's's no obstacles here.
Starting point is 00:34:07 Right. Also, all this is new. So they have this script, and they're adding these new Hulk Hogan pages. And the teleplay had to have just been boy leaves to find enemies, Hulk Hogan grabs. That's all that happened. It took a few minutes, but that's all the writing
Starting point is 00:34:24 that went into the scene. The fight was just Hulk Hogan grabbing guys and kind of putting It took a few minutes, but like that's all the writing that went into the scene The fight was just Hulk Hogan grabbing guys and kind of putting them in a different spot and then they're just moving them around. Yeah but that's such a good point though because Manimal and wizard we talked about this Last time they have like a fairly comparable power level like they're like the question in DC or like one of those guys. Hulk Hogan in Thunder in Paradise is like, okay, he's like Superman, but then what if Superman also had a talking boat with a minigun on it? Like it's just like unnecessary. Like when they gave Spider-Man
Starting point is 00:35:00 the motorcycle and you're like, he doesn't need that. Right, why does he need this? He doesn't need that. It's too many powers. So in all of the shows, this situation resolves with the hero holding their hand out to prove they're not a threat and letting them smell them. I will say it hits way different when like a very, very young child walks up to smell the Hulkster's hands. Those are NC NC 17 smells.
Starting point is 00:35:25 I don't think those are approved for minors wherever they've been. I also think it's worth noting that in Manimal, the professor was fairly evil. Like it was very it was very much his discovery. And he wanted like he did not want what was what was best for the wolf girl. In The Wizard, they kind of waffled on that. He was kind of evil. But then they were like, fuck you. And he's like, yeah, you're right. I'll go. Yeah, he's back to being evil again, because like academics are evil
Starting point is 00:35:51 in the Hulkster era and we can all understand that. You just think that's they brought they changed something in in the second iteration of this and we're like, no, we got to change that back for the Hulkster. So like, that's a deliberate choice, I think. One of the biggest monkey wrenches, I think, to the like emotions of the show is that I fucking hate the feral boy. And I think most people are probably gonna hate the feral boy.
Starting point is 00:36:16 It's still like, who cares? Like the professor's like, give me that feral boy. Like, give it to him. Let him fucking deal with this piece of shit. The noise he makes is the worst. Like the first two feral people, I feel like the wolf woman had a really good howl. The wolf girl had a certain quality, a star power and like mud everywhere, which was kind of fun.
Starting point is 00:36:36 Yeah, a muddy innocence. They ate a chocolate cake. That was great. Yeah, she ate a chocolate cake. And this kid just fucking sucks. And also his howling is just, he goes like, Oh, hi, yep, yep, yep. Like he yips. I hate it.
Starting point is 00:36:47 Like a fox? It sucks. A lot of real high pitched boy screeching which nobody likes. To be fair to him though, he was raised by Floridian wolves instead of wolves in India. Which don't exist. Right. So, like it's kind of a- Florida has wolves technically. I just don't think there's enough wolves it's kind of a Florida has wolves technically.
Starting point is 00:37:05 I just don't think there's no they used to have wolves. But by the time this aired, they had been extinct for quite some time. OK. OK. They do not. They do not have wolves. So when you say he's raised by Florida wolves, anything, it's it's somebody it's like six dirtbags, loose pit bulls. I feel like saying there's no wolves, some weird drug dealer had a pet wolf that escaped into the wild, sure.
Starting point is 00:37:31 That happened. There's some wolves in that swamp, at least a few. But like, there's just not enough wilderness to like, for him to be like, what are you people? What are these cars? It's like, no, you were never more than two miles from a highway ever. Right. Yeah, this is the Florida Keys. This is resort territory. You have definitely at least seen a helicopter fly overhead. You know society's out there.
Starting point is 00:37:53 Yeah, they've inadvertently done the Venture Brothers thing where the monarch is raised just outside of the airport by animals, by butterflies. So we go back, all of these shows justify it the same way. They have like clearly done, I want to say they looked at a card catalog in a library because they know about Romulus and Remus. They know about the gazelle boy of Africa, Kamala and Amala and lions and bears. They have all raised feral children. So clearly this is just something that happens all the time.
Starting point is 00:38:24 I don't think they changed a word of it. They just gave it to, in Thunder in Paradise, they just gave it to the smart kid, some of it, and the smart kid does a little bit of it. They had to split it up between four different people, and it's still unbelievable. It's between Chris Levin, Carol Ault, Hulk Hogan, and Hulk Hogan's smart child, and I still don't buy a single word any of them are saying. I like that they give some of it to the smart kid because if they gave it all, because it all belongs to the main character
Starting point is 00:38:51 in Manimal and Wizard because they're both very well educated. But they're like, Hulk Hogan can't say all this shit. He's not going to know what any of this means. We've got to get a smart child in here to take all this dialogue. So we have gender flipped the wolf child. He's a very young boy, was a woman in the first two episodes. We're also going to gender-flip the villain here.
Starting point is 00:39:15 So the villain is not a businessman, but it's the early 90s. Women can do it all, it's an evil business, woman. Now, I operate under the assumption that if they make a change, having done this script for a decade, like you are nothing, I'm not experts in this script, if you make a change, it's for a reason. And I can't think of a good reason why the Hulkster has to fight a woman. Like, he doesn't fist fight her in this episode. But like, why the change on this one? I feel like if you gender swap the boy, you got to gender swap
Starting point is 00:39:50 the boy's enemy. Maybe a man wants to kill a feral girl. And a woman wants to kill a feral boy. That's just the way of nature. I feel like that's part of it. And also maybe part of it is like, if you had a male antagonist like I can buy that a an evil male businessman is like a worthy adversary to like manimal or to uh the wizard right I don't buy that a 90s male businessman is like going to take on Hulk Hogan in any capacity yeah but that's a good point is like if you think it's building to a fist fight, you won't have to use that.
Starting point is 00:40:28 Yes, exactly. You're like, okay, they're not going to get into a physical conflict, probably. I mean, Hulk Hogan probably wouldn't hit a woman, right? That's crazy. Right? Yeah, no. That's crazy. I see how the show is suggesting that.
Starting point is 00:40:42 I don't believe the show. No. I'm just like, uh-oh. But that's my best theory is like, yeah, it's to neutralize the Hulkster. Okay, that's a good answer to my question. That's fair. I've got a question that's not going to have as great an answer. So in Manimal, the love interest, the lady cop is giving the adult woman a bath. That's weird. They play it weird. It's very weird. In The Wizard, it seems like they realized that because they have a much older, very matronly woman giving the young girl a bath and all the men are not involved at all. And then in Thunder
Starting point is 00:41:18 in Paradise, we have to do the bath scene again. And this time, it's Chris Lemon giving the boy a bath. and I feel like I'm gonna argue that's the worst choice of all out of all of them. I like that one the least. Yeah, could have been Carrol. Yeah, it could have been, well you're right, it would have been worse if it was the Hulkster. It would be worse if it was the Hulkster. It would be weirder if it was the Hulkster.
Starting point is 00:41:39 It would be worse if it was the Hulkster. It could have been the speedboat. He could have had like an auto wash compartment and bonded. Like robot arms that come out of the top. I don't know. Let's watch that play out because in each of these episodes they make a very strange decision to have the main character, whoever it might be, whether it's a manimal, wizard, or Hulk Hogan speedboat, use their scent to calm the feral child. And it really changes tone over the full decade they tried to reuse this. She loved your bath.
Starting point is 00:42:08 This is manimal. Did you enjoy yours? Oh yeah, and then I tried putting her in this dress I brought her. But I don't think she likes clothes much. This has my scent on it. Perhaps you should try this. Your scent, huh? How could she resist? Way too sexy. She enjoyed her bath. This is Wizard. What's that you've got on? Oh, it's one of Alex's shirts. It's pretty sexy.
Starting point is 00:42:51 I think they course-corrected. This. She's smelling it. Tasting it. Whatever it is you've got, we ought to bottle it and call it essence of Simon. Unnecessary swerve. Unnecessary. Surely they're not gonna keep that. Something tells me he's not quite into clothes. Try this. It's got my son on it.
Starting point is 00:43:35 Yeah, they're gonna cut that part. You sent? Irresistible. This the one? Oh, that's it. He's sniffing it. He's tasting it. Uh-oh. He ate it.
Starting point is 00:43:55 Brew. Just joking. Hey, it's working! Maybe you should distill yourself and bottle essence of Spencer. Whew. Weird. That's the weirdest. You've made it weirder each time. Every time you had to iterate on this, you added one more thing to make it weirder.
Starting point is 00:44:17 Until now, in 1993, a decade after you've had this idea, you have written down, whether or not it's a copy-p paste error. I don't know. But you wrote down the young boy tastes Hulk Hogan sweat and is comforted. You wrote that down. That's what you did. If I saw a bottle that said essence of Hulk Hogan, there's no fucking way I'm not buying it. Just to be clear. You should not taste, you should especially like a young child, pre puberty should not be tasting Hulk Hogan sweat, you will gain 14 pounds of muscle and lose all your hair. Right. And to start saying racial slurs, like it's, yeah, it's, it's, you
Starting point is 00:45:01 shouldn't. Also, every time Chris Lemon opens his mouth, I just want to like yell at him to just like shut the fuck up. Like, just. Yeah, Jack Lemon too. God damn it, Chris Lemon had that impulse. Shut the fuck up. Like, oh, he ate it. He's like mugging, like, I'm the comic relief.
Starting point is 00:45:18 Like. I have all the charm of Jim Carrey. No, you don't. Right. We do hate most of the principal cast of this episode. Oh my God. That's true. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:28 I hate the Hitman as well. I should make that clear. They had a thing they added in the last script where the evil person says, I want you to kill them. Do you understand? And they say, no, but I do what you pay me for. So that was in this one and in the wizard script,
Starting point is 00:45:45 but it was not in the manimal script because in 1983, a hitman absolutely understood why he'd want to kill a hysterical woman. Learned it from marriage. My mother-in-law's meatloaf. I fucking got that meatloaf again. The hitman has a mustache in every one of these, I think. That's what Hitman's had.
Starting point is 00:46:08 I don't remember if he did in Manimal because that was 300 years ago. But he looks the same. I looked it up to see if he was the same guy. I don't think he was because that guy was probably dead by the time this one came out. But we just had we had a surplus of that guy in the 80s and 90s. Like, yeah, well, just one guy on top. If you needed a goon, it was that guy.
Starting point is 00:46:29 I like how when the boy comes out in a shirt, I just want to say he looks exactly the fucking same. Like he comes out in the shirt, you just, yeah, okay. He's wearing a shirt now. Like nothing changed. Yeah, they started him off fully, like freshly bathed. They were never willing to commit to like having a dirty child on for some reason.
Starting point is 00:46:44 Yeah. It was in the kid's like rider. It's It's like, I will, his parents were like, listen, Jonathan will play the Feral Wolf child. Absolutely. He won't be dirty. He won't make an accurate wolf noise. He will taste Hulk Hogan's sweat. We're fine with that. Right. In fact, we demand it. It's already in the, it's already in the script. Don't even worry about it. I was going to argue that if you get out of a bath and then you put on Hulk Hogan's current shirt, you're three times filthier than you were before you got in the bath. That's 100% true. It has a scent all over it.
Starting point is 00:47:15 You're going to get attacked by animals. That's a guarantee. I guarantee you, everywhere Hulk Hogan goes, he gets attacked by animals because of his scent. I don't know why I feel that's true. Or fled from. Or fled from, you're right. It would depend on the animal. Yeah. Whether or not they're in heat, I think.
Starting point is 00:47:32 Okay. So it's, I'm doing a psychotherapy scene, which belongs in Manimal, it belongs in Wizard. They're both very educated people, they're both sort of outside of society and trying to reintegrate somebody that is a little more outside of society than they are. For the same reason you believe that they are auditing a college class, you believe like, oh yeah, they would just take it upon themselves, and it's fine that they take it upon themselves would just take it upon themselves, and it's fine that they take it upon themselves to try to rehabilitate this wolf child into being human. But then, then the Hulkster starts doing it and they keep the scene the same, where he
Starting point is 00:48:15 has the book, he has the picture, and he has the boy looking in a mirror and he's going wolf, boy, wolf, boy, boy, wolf. Wolf. Boy. Wolf. Boy. Boy. Wolf. And like, this 100% does not work when you replace that character with Hulk Hogan. It seems like he's threatening to wolf the boy, like I'm gonna wolf you. I don't- I don't know, I feel like he learned how to do this when he was tag partners with Macho Man Randy Savage. Like this was just like- Macho Man! Macho Man! They hatched schemes. I finally made him understand he's both a macho and a man.
Starting point is 00:48:50 But like, this is grossly irresponsible. Basically what we have here is like three beach idiots keeping a child captive with like no background in like child rehabilitation or even just like general like intelligence stat where they would have some bonus to like, you know, they're rolling for like, okay, roll to convince this child that he's a human. Like their int is like negative five. They're just they've got nothing. They have no reason to be doing this. The professor is like evil in this one. It's just... Yeah, of all the scenes, you really need to change this one because it's irresponsible in all of them.
Starting point is 00:49:30 You can't just take the wild child and be like, sure, fuck the therapist, I got this. But I'd rather, if I were a feral child, I'd much rather be with Manimal or the wizard. I'd love to hang out with either of them anyway. We don't question it when they do it because there's enough in their background, but all we know about Hulk Hogan's character is he's got a bitch and speedboat.
Starting point is 00:49:47 That's not enough to psychologically rehabilitate a human. It doesn't qualify you. They should have used the speedboat in some way. They do actually use the speedboat a little bit. See, this time instead of going to the library to do the research, they just ask the speedboat. I liked that. I thought that was a good use. You know what?
Starting point is 00:50:08 What's like a library but faster? I got it. I feel like if you have a speedboat and Hulkamania, you should be able to solve all problems. So I was fine with this. I was like, they got this. Good change. Good change. Now, what's a little bit weirder is we start going through the backstory where we find out, and in case you've got a mental block, I don't know how you wouldn't know this by heart. But we find out that as a boy, the wolf child was on a trip with his parents, their boat was sunk or exploded or something, and he was stranded out in the wild and raised by wolves
Starting point is 00:50:47 for the rest of that time. We find out that that was actually the same and confirm that that all happened in Florida. I love it. And they figured it out instantly. There's no mystery. The guy just walks in, he's like, I got it off Thunder's CompuServe link.
Starting point is 00:51:06 He like looked it up on and like gave him the whole fucking story. Keyword, wolf boy. Using his speedboat as his computer, like I would use my phone. Like how will I access the internet? Oh, speedboat, of course, fastest way. There's a sniper scene here in all of the episodes
Starting point is 00:51:26 where the hitman, through various circumstances, takes a shot at the wolf child. And then, like, a chase scene is to follow. Why does he miss in this one? Holding a fucking snow globe. I'm telling you, it's like a single use in vulnerability. Yeah. The first bullet coming at you will always hit your snow globe.
Starting point is 00:51:46 I just thought it was amazing that this is such a perfect scene for there to be a speedboat chase, right? And this show, which I will remind everybody, it is only it is the speedboat is the entire plot of the show. The plot of this show is Hulk Hogan has a borderline sentient speedboat. They don't use it. They don't put that in here. Now I know they did put an extra speedboat chase in at the beginning, and I know having watched these that there is a speedboat chase at the end. I'm just saying if you have like the one chance in your life where you can say, I don't know
Starting point is 00:52:23 what to do here, I guess we put a speedboat chase in. It's this show. Take your shot. One thing I hadn't noted last time, because I was just, I think glazing over everything, is that the sniper like pulls out a fishing rod. Yes. But like, it's like a sniper fishing rod. I couldn't actually tell. I think it maybe he's just holding fishing rod in one hand and a sniper rifle in the other,
Starting point is 00:52:47 but it looks like a modified fishing rod with a sniper rifle attached to it to be like really sneaky. I think he's holding them together. Like he's holding the fishing rod against the sniper rifle so that when he's casting, he's like, I'm just, just got a scope on my fishing rod. Yeah, I'm not sniping a wolf child. Just gonna head shot some fish.
Starting point is 00:53:05 Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. It is Florida, you can absolutely hunt with a rifle. You can hunt fish with a rifle. Right, of course. No one would blink. That's true. You're right, so much of this works because it's Florida.
Starting point is 00:53:16 So Chris Levin goes to interview the villain and in all of these shows, this is supposed to be where you're kind of thrown. In Manimal at this point in the show, we did not know. The show had not shown us that the evil businessman was an evil businessman responsible for the murders. We were like, oh, he could be a good guy. So that's why that scene existed, was to be like, throw that little kernel of doubt in
Starting point is 00:53:40 there. He's so moved by the plight of this child that I believe maybe he's not the villain. In The Wizard, they actually chose to reveal that earlier, so we already know, which they kept. As Sean said, I think they're going off of The Wizard script in adapting this to Thunder in Paradise. So they kept the reveal early, so we already know that she is the villain and she's a bad guy, and therefore this scene serves no point, but I do want everyone to pay attention to what is specifically in these clips, and what is conspicuously absent as the evil villain talks about how they know that the person this wolf child is supposed to be is really dead. This is Manimal.
Starting point is 00:54:22 If Sarah Evers could have somehow survived that accident, could you identify her today? is really dead. We were like brothers. I conducted my own search for Sarah. Found her body in a dense area eight miles down river. Was there a funeral? Let your eye go to the sun, your life to the wind. That's from the Rigveda. Addressed to the soul of the dead at the time of cremation. Sarah's ashes were spread over the river where her family lost their lives.
Starting point is 00:55:13 Here's Wizard. Mr. Deshaies, you and Gordon Winthrop were partners, is that right? We're more than partners. You were like brothers. Gordon and I were like brothers. We built this business from the ground up. If, uh, if by some chance Linda Winthrop managed to survive that accident, do you think you'd recognize her today? Linda didn't survive, Mr. Jagger. She drowned with the rest of her family. But her body was never found. It was found.
Starting point is 00:55:48 After I heard about the accident, I flew to India. I conducted my own search for Linda. I found her body in a dense area. We'd washed up eight miles down the river. In a dense area, eight miles. Was there a funeral? Let your eye go to the sun, and your life to the wind.
Starting point is 00:56:17 That's from the Rig Veda. I'll never forget those words. They were chanted at Linda's cremation as her ashes were spread over the river that took her life. Thunder in Paradise. Miss Hale. Andrea. Andrea, you and Gordon Ralston were partners. More than partners. Gordon and I were like brother and sister. We built this business from the ground up. If Tommy somehow managed to survive the accident do you think you'd be able to identify him today Tommy didn't survive mr. Brubaker
Starting point is 00:56:54 unfortunately Tommy drowned with the rest of his family wonder what kind of area they're gonna find him in and how many miles after I heard about the accident I conducted my own search for Tommy in Florida found his body in a dense area where it had washed up about eight miles down the river was there a funeral Tommy's remains were cremated and what's that quote from the nice Indian book? No ancient Indian prayer in that one. Oh, you were done? Oh, there wasn't?
Starting point is 00:57:27 Yeah. There wasn't the ancient Indian prayer? The Hulkster put the veto on that one? You did a civilian grid search for eight miles on a Florida river, found the body, and then cremated it, what, like? Right. On a barbecue in a barbecue in the park we were in. This is okay. So this is an insane conceit in the first episode, in the manimal episode, right back in 1983. You're like, you can't just go to India and do your own search for a body. Find that body of like an American person that has gone missing that everybody's looking
Starting point is 00:58:08 for and then cremate it yourself and not tell anybody. Like India's not that backwards in 1983. Also you don't think anybody would want to know that. You know people want to know that. That's crazy. It gets so much crazier if you set this whole story in Florida and you don't even have the excuse of like, oh, it's exotic India where you can get away with that kind of thing. He went down to Florida, found a body in Florida, took it somewhere to get
Starting point is 00:58:36 cremated in Florida and didn't tell anybody. This is just Richard Durst. This is just the Richard Durst joke. And they treat it the same way of like, oh, okay, well, that sounds good. Like Chris Lemon leaves that being like, yeah, okay, maybe I believe you. I don't know for sure. We're like, if somebody told me that they went to Florida, found a body and cremated it without telling anybody, I'm calling the cops like right away. You can't do that. Incredible. Amazing what they changed. But they had to take out the lovely Indian quote there.
Starting point is 00:59:07 They're like, no, that can't belong. The rest of this works great in Florida. Just that one part has to go. I'd love it if they changed it to something Florida. Just like, rock and roll, Hoochie Coo, Rick Derringer. I'd love it if they changed the whole thing to be like Florida, like instead of cremating, I threw his body to the gators, as is our tradition, as is our way in Florida. This is so fucking stupid.
Starting point is 00:59:33 It's incredible, like how they got you so lazy to just not change it, but then the things that you did change, fuck this up so badly. It makes it so crazy. You can't be raised by wolves in Florida. In the Florida Keys, no less. It's a resort. It's a sandals. They're not going to raise you.
Starting point is 00:59:55 Raised by towel boys in a sandals is like your equivalent. So they go to do the toy scene, which again is kind of more of the therapy. And Manimal discovered that toys existed after getting thwarted in a real tutorial level car chase. And then it managed to weirdly make sense in the wizard because he's a toy genius. So then he starts playing toys to communicate with the child. And you're like, oh, OK, he's a toy genius. And then they gave it to the old lady to do the toys instead, which was crazy. But it belonged more. It belonged more in the wizard. So it would be weird to keep the same
Starting point is 01:00:30 thing again in Thunder in Paradise. So they of course do. They don't change a single thing. The toy scene, it just, it seems like at the very least you could have thrown in like a toy speedboat or something in there, like to sell toys to the kids. Like, is this your mommy and daddy? Is this how they died? Kids, look at look at look at Thunder go. I liked how the toys he would touch the toy and then just have a full nom flashback with each one he touched. Like like like in the show, like there was gunshots being played. Like it was it was it was intense.
Starting point is 01:01:04 In this script, the child is also secretly a psychic object reader. Yes. So, yeah, he touches things and he can sense the memories associated with them. It's like secondary because Hulk Hogan had touched them all first. He's just witnessing every atrocity in Hulk Hogan's life. Yeah. Right. Like using a psychic imprint. No, they really dumbed down this scene.
Starting point is 01:01:29 This is very much like now they have to play flashbacks instead of like relying on the child acting in the audience to get it. It's so interesting to see like how much stupider TV got over the course of the decade that they iterated this story. It's the UPN crowd, right? Like, no one's actually watching this. I think I maybe saw one episode of Thunder in Paradise in the 90s and only because I was at my grandmother's cottage and it was one of the only channels we could get on her huge old style satellite where you actually had to turn a big dial that would just shift
Starting point is 01:01:59 this entire radar dish on top of the house. And I feel like I was probably the only person who saw that at the time. Like, it was on a Saturday afternoon at like 3pm. Like who was watching this? Yeah, it wasn't me. And I was a Hulkamaniac. The Chris Lemon star vehicle. Oh, I got to tune in to see Chris Lemon. Also, like, I'm stating the obvious, but in Manimal it was a Skeletor toy. Perfect choice. And this one, it's just like a Playmobil mommy. It's just like the most generic, like, little lady toy. And he's like, no, no, the woman who murdered my family!
Starting point is 01:02:36 Yeah, Skeletor in a dress. It's right there. Oh, that'd be perfect. So in Manimal, it was an adult woman, so they didn't have a scene where she goes out to try to like, integrate with the normals. Because she was younger in the wizard, they did have a scene where she goes out to try to like, talk to the neighborhood kids, bond with the other children, and they're like, I don't know what the fuck this is. Is this fucking Wolf Child? What's happening? And they do that again, again, as Sean said, this is the adaptation of the wizard script,
Starting point is 01:03:04 not the Manimal version. So she goes out to play with the normal kids in Thunder in Paradise, and they're just, like, they're totally chill with it. We've already talked about it. We've talked about the closet boys. I'm assuming that's cut, so you're not going to know what this is in reference to. So she goes out to play with them, this time when the criminals come up, now what's interesting is in the scene that didn't exist at all in Manimal. So it was one of the things they added for the wizard where the criminals came up and the wizard and they talked through this really elaborate, sounded pretty good plan they were
Starting point is 01:03:38 going to have to get past the cops and the security guards and go in there and take this kid and then they looked out the window and the kids just standing there. They're like, well, I was a freebie and take the kid. It was crazy that they put it there. It was like a weird thing. Now, in 1993 in Thunder in Paradise, they get to do their ploy. They're like they talk through that same plan. They're like, we're going to we've got credentials.
Starting point is 01:04:02 We're going to be you got a wolf boy here. Yeah, we're here to pick up the wolf boy. Yeah, they they have credentials. They have like they talk about what they're going to say to the to like the cops to get to get through this. And then the cop comes up and it's like, OK, oh, so. So what are you guys here for?
Starting point is 01:04:20 And then they just murder him. Yeah. Well, to be fair, he's like, there's no fucking way I'm not calling this in. Did you just say you're gonna pick up a wolf boy yet? I didn't even check on that. But they kill him just instantly. Like the second he goes to check on it, they're like, well, that didn't work.
Starting point is 01:04:35 I love how it just doesn't work rather than last episode where it was totally pointless. It's almost better, but still nowhere close to good. Each of these would be so weird on their own. Like, why did we go through the plan scene if you're just gonna panic at the end? That you have seven years to iterate on this in between and this is what you came up with?
Starting point is 01:04:57 It's so fucking embarrassing. And the little girl comes in, like he gets captured off camera, we don't see it, and then the little girl comes in and explains it. He was kidnapped, kicking and screaming as if she's describing the pages of the script they just decided not to shoot. It's at least the third draft of the script
Starting point is 01:05:13 and it just gets worse every time is what I'm saying. It's incredible. It's a copy of a copy of a copy, you know? It's time for the speedboat chase. There's all of these episodes and the speedboat chase. Right. these episodes end in a speedboat chase. Right. And it's a very strange, very forced thing. In Manimal, they run up to see the villains taking off in a boat. I don't get why they have to be taking off in a boat. I don't know why this has to happen, but whatever. We're all going to jump on the speedboat, and this speedboat is full of super
Starting point is 01:05:41 models doing a photo shoot. And then very strangely, strangely in Manimal they will not react to like external stimuli they're like trapped in a different universe and have no idea why this is happening so they take off in the speedboat with like models flailing off of the back in the wizard they keep the whole supermodel speedboat photographer thing but all of the models love David Rapoport the little person toy genius and are like we need to take pictures with you you You're the sexiest one! And so they stop to take a picture, and then they take off in their speedboat chase. Now, clearly, you don't need a speedboat in the show with the speedboat,
Starting point is 01:06:14 so we just get in Thunder, in Hulk Hogan's super speedboat. It's the only one where it makes sense, where it seems like... It seems like this was where it came from, right? This seems like the original version of that scene. Yeah. That's weird. It's the only one that makes sense. It's fucking crazy that 10 years later, in three versions, it finally makes sense. You said something, I think it was you that said,
Starting point is 01:06:38 it was either you or Merit that said it, that like, weirdly, each act of this story only makes sense for the show that it relates to. Like the first act. Sounds brilliant, so it's probably merit. I wish it was, but yeah, it was Sean. And it's like, this is the most perfectly constructed story ever written, right? Because each act corresponds to the order of the shows that it was produced for. Act one is Manimal. And it makes perfect sense for Manimal because now he's stuck between man and nature. He's the only one that would relate to and understand why it's a feral child. In act two, we need
Starting point is 01:07:17 to find out what happens and we do that by using toys. And then the little person toy genius is of course the person that she relates to and to crack that. Because in Manimal he's like, oh yeah, toys. Where the fuck did that come from? Whereas that belonged in the wizard. That middle part belonged to the wizard. And then in all, in Manimal and Wizard, we were like, why the fuck is the speedboat here? And in Thunder in Paradise, it only makes it, you don't even have to explain why there's a speedboat. It's about a speedboat. They've somehow told this story backwards across time.
Starting point is 01:07:55 It is incredible. It has to be unintentional because if it's intentional, these are the greatest storytelling geniuses that have ever lived. And they did have a little boy taste Hulk Hogan in this show, so that can't be true. And also, these are the biggest beach perverts in the history of man, and they're like, let's lose the bikini ladies. So that doesn't make any sense. It's like they're trying to tell us something.
Starting point is 01:08:20 It's like there's a message only the three of us can see, and we're not getting it. Douglas Schwartz is trapped in the fan, so banging on the glass like, they almost have it! He's feeding us information from beyond time. Like, please save me from time prison. I'm trapped in time prison with Jet Li, and I'm fighting for my life. I've killed every other version of me to grow this powerful just to send this message.
Starting point is 01:08:47 It's just chopped up spread across time. There has to be... God, I'm so glad we did this. And I remember when we first came across this, we wanted to do all of this as one episode. Just do it all as one episode because it's all the same. Ridiculous. But like, as you focus in. So naive. So young.
Starting point is 01:09:07 So young were we. But like, as we focused in on each one, you're like, wait, this is so crazy that you changed this so crazy that you didn't change this each one is like so much more to talk about. This is one of, this was something that would have bounced off my brain, just kind of glancing through when I saw it on Wikipedia and was like, Oh, that's funny. Let's do it about that. I had no idea how fucking deep this would go. There's a thing that happens in this one that's also strange.
Starting point is 01:09:32 They add in a part where they interview the kid, like they wanted to take him alive to interview him and they realize like, This kid's a wild fucking animal. He can't ID anyone. Like they say those words like, we are totally fine. This kid can just go do whatever it wants, kill him anyway. While like the super overpowered speedboat is already right there. It's already got like a mini gun pointed at them saying, don't fucking throw that kid in the ocean. They're like, fuck it, we're doing it anyway. And I mean, good, put the squealing kid in the trunk,
Starting point is 01:10:01 drop him in the ocean, let the crabs have him. This is the only one I've wanted to see tossed into the ocean, you know? It's just, we've said that in each episode. It's like in Manimal, they take off and they have the wolf girl and they see the lady cop behind them. She's watching us and they're like,
Starting point is 01:10:19 in order to get away with murder, we have to murder this child in front of the cops to get away with it. Like, no, that doesn't work at all. And then the wizard,, they do the same thing, except for he's got, you know, his little toys to save them. Like, why are we making the same mistake? In this one, they have a speedboat with a minigun trained on him. Like, you're gonna fucking die right now. And you're still gonna push him in there.
Starting point is 01:10:39 Like, you're not getting away with shit. Their final act will be a pointless murder of a child, who is no threat. I like how, this is my only thing I liked when Chris Lemmon said as he looked at it, he goes, I can't believe she did that. He's like, he's crazy. Right. Why would she do that?
Starting point is 01:10:56 We're looking at her. Does she not know we're looking at her? The hell? So in the other versions, the Coast Guard saves the day. Obviously we have Hulk Hogan in a speedboat. We have to use that. They accomplish this because apparently, Thunder, the sentient speedboat, has a special Hulk Hogan tube in which they put Hulk Hogan in it. They flood it like there's a pressure equalization thing, and then it sounds like I'm fucking with you. They fire Hulk Hogan in the water like a torpedo?
Starting point is 01:11:28 It's a Hulk-pedo. Well, we have to call it something different. No, you nailed it first try. Yo, got it in one. I remember finding it very ridiculous what Merit said when we were playing the bonus episode for The Wizard, and she was talking about how the speedboat would fire Hulk Hogan and he would hit at the goons and he would leg drop them. That's what happened. I forgot that that's what happened.
Starting point is 01:11:55 God, I totally forgot that. They have a special Hulk Hogan tube. Now, because this was a real superboat that they made, if not many, that maybe it was a prototype, did it have a Hulk Hogan tube? Is that why they had to use that? Because maybe that's why people didn't buy it. I would have bought it. You never know when you need a Hulk Hogan tube. I just like the idea that maybe it was originally a torpedo tube, but the idea that any torpedo tube could shoot a torpedo as large as Hulk Hogan is absurd. Right. That's why I say that's a nuclear missile. Like this was originally probably a nuclear submarine.
Starting point is 01:12:30 Yeah. That's what they retrofitted it to accommodate a Hulk Hogan rather than a nuclear missile. That was Chris Lemon. I would have been like, yeah, he climbs into the torpedo tube. That's Hulk Hogan. Like, no, you have a Hulk tube. You have to have a special tube for that. Absolutely. I like that they opened fire on the bad guy's boat
Starting point is 01:12:46 with the minigun, but they didn't want to hurt the boat. So there's this weird piece of plywood. They stuck to the seats so they could pop the squibs on it to be like, oh, we're shooting the boat, but we're not gonna scratch the boat. Don't worry about it, guys. We don't have the budget for that. It's the shitty show about invincible ocean bully.
Starting point is 01:13:01 We don't have the budget for that. It's the shitty show about invincible ocean bully. This is, yeah. It's wild that they tried to remake Airwolf, but with Hulk Hogan and a boat. Airwolf fought like rival helicopters all the time. Right. And he was like a total pussy outside the helicopter. Jen Michael Vincent was like 70 pounds. He needed the helicopter, right? Like Hulk Hogan doesn't even... All right, so Hulk Hogan rescues the helicopter. Jen Michael Vincent was like 70 pounds. He needed the helicopter, right?
Starting point is 01:13:25 Like Hulk Hogan doesn't even. All right. So Hulk Hogan rescues the kid. He brings the child back to life with CPR, which I feel like is another Hulkster note, like I can't just passively save the boy. I have to save his life like Hulk Hogan would. Right. Would save his life. And we cut to sort of the denouement where all the action is over. And we just kind of covering what has happened since we talk about like the legal case and how the cases progressed against the evil villainess
Starting point is 01:13:51 and what happened to like the professor. And for this whole thing, I like that Hulk Hogan's put on a special like baby blue carrying blue durag to like comfort the wolf boy. I just like that he has different durags for his various roles. It's made of an animal of prey. It must be to keep him so calm. It's especially interesting how they handle the ending. Manimal and the wizard are very close. They wrap up very closely. And I would say for most of it, for most of it Thunder in
Starting point is 01:14:20 Paradise, Hacking's very close too. This is kind of a long clip, but we're going to play the end to in order, Manimal the Wizard and then Thunder in Paradise. And I want to see if you can spot what's different. Girl. Yes. Yes, that's your face. Yes, that's you smiling. You. Sarah. Sarah. How's it going? Great. You've been at it all morning. What happened with the grand jury?
Starting point is 01:14:54 Lamey was indicted on all counts. Good. Well, at last she recognized who she is. Now all we have to do is put the face with the name. Sarah... Curl. Yes. Sarah... to do is put the face with the name by George I think she's got oh shouldn't Now look at yourself. Linda, look at yourself. Yes, that's you. Linda. Girl. Yes yes that's you smiling that's your face Linda Linda Linda they've been at it all morning how'd it go with the grand jury she's was indicted on all counts Simon any word on Drummond's appeal to get custody of Linda? the judge turned him down flat
Starting point is 01:16:09 Linda Linda Linda Linda Linda Girl That's it you got it You got it Linda Linda! Linda! Girl! That's it, you got it! You got it, Linda! Look at yourself, Tommy. Look at yourself. That's you. Tommy.
Starting point is 01:16:43 It's different. Boy. that's Tommy He's learning who he is. Now he just has to put a name on the face. What about the university's appeal to get custody of him? The judge turned him down flat. He looks stellar in those clothes. You like those, huh? They're Navajo. Spencer arranged for him to live with the tribe in Arizona.
Starting point is 01:17:35 With an old friend. That'll teach him about the simple things first, before he has to learn everything else. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. everything else. That's it, you're Tommy. Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!
Starting point is 01:18:02 Tommy Tommy Tommy boy Tommy That's right. You're Tommy. I don't care when he was born. I say we make today is official birthday Candles, yeah Oh, Jesus Christ. Now, did I? How the fuck did I? OK, I think it's just because I watched these three episodes like in a row. And by the time I got to the third one, I was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll chop.
Starting point is 01:18:41 Yeah, you got to. You missed the Navajo thing. I missed the we're shipping him to live with the Navajo in Arizona, where he will learn from their- You got the- You picked it up, huh? You know, they don't have cars or television out there, brother, it's just-
Starting point is 01:18:59 They're like cartoon Indians. I haven't looked into it. What? But probably, right? Like the TPs and everything. Right, he thinks the tutorial level of life is Indians. Right. Right. Before you learn the real stuff,
Starting point is 01:19:15 you gotta learn the real, you gotta just learn the controls. For that, you're gonna go to the Indians. I'm gonna give Hulkster more credit than you guys are because nobody else even thought of what the next step was for the wolf children. They're just like, they know their name. That's true. Let's throw them into the workforce. Like Hulk Hogan's like, we need to have some transition. Obviously, it's a cartoonishly racist and insane idea, but it's an idea. That's true. I think
Starting point is 01:19:43 that's another Hulkster note where it's somehow in his contract that I have to say one racist thing per episode. We got all the way to the end of this one and he's like, we gotta fit it in. We gotta fit it in. Also, I like that Chris Lemon is like, I don't give a shit when his birthday is.
Starting point is 01:20:00 Today is his birthday. You just found out who he is. You know that now. Yeah, like this kid has a birthday like on record. They could just go look it up. Look it up on Thunder's CompuServe. You did. You almost certainly did look that up and you're like, I don't give a shit. I don't fucking care. I have the power of life and death over this wolf boy. That's just what that's what a wild- two wild swings to throw into the very last line
Starting point is 01:20:25 Like all you had to do was swelling music rises and we're out you're like, nope Let's throw in this thing about the Navajo and hey, it's his birthday everybody. Give a thumbs up What a fucking perfect way To end this mad experiment. I sold him to a Harris casino There's one more thing that sets that sets Thunder in Paradise apart from The Wizard and the Manimal, and that is its beautiful ending theme. So take us out, Jimmy, mouth of the South Heart. Pretty good.
Starting point is 01:21:00 Not so bad. Feeling it. Jimmy Hort, baby! Come on, Jimmy. Take it, Jimmy. Oh no. Oh, give it back, Jimmy. Oh yeah, Jimmy's hard. He's uh...
Starting point is 01:21:24 It's fine for him to do this, right? Just want to say, Hulk Hogan's on the writing credits for this too. They are such cogs. Playin' with your life Playin' with your life Our podcast is great! And with maximum sound! Does Frankfurt's podcast say that? Correct! Yes! The craft is not bad, it's not without! Send it to the dog zone for an hour!
Starting point is 01:22:14 Come on, you know the number! 1-900 1-900 Frankfurt 1-900 1-900 Frankfurt 1-900 1-900 Frankfurt It's Supreme Day here on Hot Dog Prime, the day where all hot dog denizens stand tall and proudly salute the heroes who made the ultimate sacrifice in our never-ending meat war against the vile burger race. Aaron Crosston
Starting point is 01:22:54 Adrian H Aidan Mouat Alex Nolenberg who held on to a grenade too long. That's a lesson for you new recruits. If you love something, like a hand grenade. Gotta let it go. Alpha Scientist Javo. Un-Andy. Armando Nava. Benjamin Sironin died from flamethrower wounds received at the Platoon BBQ, but let the record show his hotdogs were cooked to perfection and in record time. Bim Tullzer Brandon Garlock
Starting point is 01:23:27 Brian Saylor Burrito Serrell Chase Clementi Danger never opened his parachute. He's convinced you don't take fall damage if you land on the enemy. We applaud the sentiment, even as we mourn the result. Greg Lemoyne, Quavis, Dan B, Daniel Sloan, Devin the Rogue Supreme, David Shull, Dean Costello. Delta Foxtrot found out his own wife was a burger and turned her in without a second thought. Some say he died when the Swat Dogs raided his house.
Starting point is 01:24:05 We know it was really a broken heart. Drayson Dusty's rad title Eric Ria Every Zig Fancy shark Gareth tried teen-wulting a burger tank. Tried. I do dishonor to the man. He teen-wolfed that burger tank.
Starting point is 01:24:26 It still counts if you crash it into a lake. Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches. Greg Cunningham. Hem-bone. Haraka died from potato poisoning. Just regular old potato poisoning. Wash those potatoes, no job too
Starting point is 01:24:46 small. Harvey Benguini Honk Jaber Al Aiden James Borde Jared Mountain Mad Jeff Oreski fatally crashed the Dodge Hyper Challenger he bought with his signing bonus. How many good soldiers will
Starting point is 01:25:05 we lose to the dodge hyper challenger? Jim Salter John Dean John McCammon John Minkoff Joseph Searls Josh Hess Joshua Graves
Starting point is 01:25:21 Justin B K&M Kumutzas was hollowed out and had his animated corpse used as a honeypot trapped by the burgers. Remember to wrap those wieners hot dogs. Kyle Campbell Lisa M Jahi Chapelle Mark Mahoney Matt Riley butt-dialed anirstrike on himself at a gender reveal party. It's a girl, and she's already enlisted to avenge her daddy. Max Beroy. Michael Dillon.
Starting point is 01:25:55 Michael Lair. Mickey Lowman. Mike Stiles. Moju. Mort is actually a burger, who saw the freedoms and benefit packages we offer and was won over. Don't shoot the skinny burger Moju Mort is actually a burger who saw the freedoms and benefit packages we offer and was won over. Don't shoot the skinny burger in the long bun, he's on our side. Mr Bob Gray Indeed Neil Bailey Neil Schaeffer Neku 104 held a machine gun nest against a 4,000 strong burger horde, only to die of diabetes at this very award ceremony.
Starting point is 01:26:30 Proper nutrition isn't just a good idea, it's your duty. Ozzy Olu, Patrick Herbst, Rachel, Rhiannon, Sarkovsky hollowed out a sexy burger and climbed inside to use it as a honey pot trap. It worked a little too well, but good initiative, soldier. Sean Chase Spotty Reception Supernaut Ted H Thomas Kvartos Timi Leahy knows if you see two buns, you start shooting.
Starting point is 01:27:02 It's a tragedy what happened at that hunk convention, but vigilance is always market price. Tommy G. Velo. Booster. Waylon Russell. Zack and Ava both simultaneously choked to death on Footlongs, but that was one hell of a USO show, wasn't it, dogs? And finally, Hot Dog Prime hereby posthumously bestows the Medal of Misguided Valor on Sergeant Ken Paisley, who died in a kamikaze run on a burger nest. It turned out it was just an old pizza hut. They're shaped a lot alike.
Starting point is 01:27:41 Remember, cadets, if it's flat and cheesy, say pizza pleasey. If it's beefy and round, you bomb it to the ground.

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