The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 178, Rambo And His Titans With Patrick Reed

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

Brockway, Seanbaby, and guest Patrick Reed watch a 1990s Argentinian wrestling show about the toyline from the old 1980s Rambo cartoon. It is NOT about Rambo himself, NOT about the cartoon, it was ONLY an adaptation of the toys, devoid of all context. It is magnificent madness.

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the DogZone 9000, the official podcast of 1900Hoddog, America's final good thing. Come support us on Patreon.com slash 1900Hoddog. We are the last place in the world that hires talented humans to write long-form comedy every single weekday instead of the alternative, which seems to be dicing them up into like a fermented slurry to fuel pun robots.

It produces some good results like these 10 cannibal puns from Punsteria.com. Oh no. God damn it. I'm not a big fan of cannibals. They just tend to gobble up too much attention. People often say cannibals are two-faced, but I think they're more like a mouthful. I once invited a- I'm just-

I once invited- I'm saying you wouldn't get fired from Bill Maher's writing room for that joke. That's- It doesn't have a- it's food-based, it's not cannibal-based. They're not cannibal puns, they're just like general food. And you have eight more of these. Yes, I once invited a cannibal to a cookout and he brought a fleshlight. Uh oh.

Uh oh, you should have thought through that one a little bit, robot. If cannibals roasted marshmallows, would they make s'mores theorems? Okay, okay, I'm gonna ignore that because I'm still thinking about like the rudeness of like a cannibal community. And they're all coming there covered in their own delicious flesh. They're all looking at each other like who's the first to die and be eaten. And then the weird thing at the party is one guy's got a sex toy on his dick. Like that's- It's a protocol breach. I don't think that's exclusive to cannibal parties.

Yeah, I think any party you come to with a fleshlight on, they're like, come on, man, we're Nazis. This is disgusting. Cannibals who dance often enjoy the twist and choose. Holy shit. Why did the cannibal go on a diet? Because they wanted a more well-done meal. Cannibals have a strong stomach for horror movies. They always devour the suspense.

Hold on, like there's a term in acting called chew the scenery that the robot should have been familiar with. Yeah, you could, they always chew the other actors instead of the scenery. It's bad. Yeah, but it's- But it's- It seems like a coherent place for that joke to go. God damn it. How come robots can't write puns? Man needs to know. Did you hear about the cannibals who loved fast food?

They were always on a brisket. That's unacceptable. A brisket is not a fast food. Almost specifically the opposite of fast food. I'm pretty sure it's a pun on brisk, but it forgot that there were also cannibals and then it put cannibals on the brisket, like on top of it? And I don't know the cuts of meat on a man, but I don't think there's a brisket. I got a little brisket on me.

I'm looking good these days. What do cannibal ants use to track their prey? A pick-a-nick Pick a Nick Nick Nick basket. Whoa. Whoa, that one's racist. That one's definitely racist. Against a race we don't have yet, but we'll get there someday. And finally, cannibals make terrible urologists because they only deal with patients who come for a nibble or two. Okay, because they're always eating the dicks would have been also acceptable.

Because they're always eating the dicks. If you hated that, and you do, come support us instead. We're the opposite of that. That's the best pitch I can give you. I'm a terrible mass, Robert Brockway, and here's my comedy partner, the sweetheart of the desert, it's Sean Baby. Force of Liberty, Sean Baby! Just working workshopping. It's great, it's beautiful.

I'm inspired and patriotic for something. And our guest today, author of K-Fabe, a mostly true history of professional wrestling, he comes equipped with portable mine launcher, it's Patrick Reed. Hello, yes, I'm Patrick W. Reed, a writer and professional wrestling historian and commentator. And you're still here after the puns, so you're dedicated. That's how we prove dedication. We have a backup plan if you just hang up after that. It was touch and go.

We would have understood. Yeah, it's just reading those puns, you and me together at each other. So thank you so much for saying so we don't have to do that. Before we get into today's podcast, where can people find more of you, Patrick? I have a website at patrickwread.com and I'm on pretty much all of the big social media sites at Patrick W. Reed, either with or without underscores. The website is easiest, you can find everything else from there, as well as a lot of my writing and the book that Drogwe mentioned earlier. Yeah, use websites. Use websites instead

of those other things. Absolutely. It's slightly more rare that they fall to evil. That's the best plug I can give you. Websites! They fall to evil slightly less. Today we're talking about a show called Rambo y Sus Titanes. Rambo and his Titans. Patrick came to us with this, but we already knew about it. There was just one problem. We didn't know anything else about it. And it was all in Spanish. Nobody has any information about it beyond a few bare facts that we know. And there just wasn't enough to talk about without subtitles, which there weren't and we couldn't figure out how to get them done. Patrick had some sort of completely insane, it turns out completely insane subtitling robot that

went through and gave us at least enough to talk about. And it's wonderful. There's a column I did a long time ago on cracked where one of my hobbies was to download like a movie, like a foreign language movie that I had never seen before, and I would go onto those subtitle forums and I would look for the worst rated subtitles for that movie because they would have, you know, audience ratings. So I would look for the absolute worst rated and I would plug them in and then watch that movie for the first time. And that's how I originally saw The Raid, which is one of my favorite movies now, as

just a completely insane thing with these terrible subtitles that looked like they had been translated from Indonesian into maybe Turkish and then to English. These subtitles were objectively insane, but also I speak enough Spanish that sometimes I'm like, oh, I think that's exactly what he said. Yeah, sometimes I think they're right. I think it started insane and the subtitles just added like a fun twist to it. Oh, it's absolutely completely madness because we haven't explained what this show is yet.

It's a Saturday morning professional wrestling, it's live action, it's not an animated show, about Rambo and his friends and as we will find out in a little bit, something else. So the premise is already just pure mind chaos from start to finish. They further, instead of just basing it off of Rambo and whoever else they can find from the movies, they chose to base it off of the toy line and the cartoon that they made of Rambo which was further. So there are like layers upon layers of insanity that we're stacking here. To add just a little more context to that, so this was based off the Rambo Force of Freedom

cartoon, which for some reason the action figure range sold really well in Argentina. So this show went out in 1991 and 92, which is about six or seven years after the cartoon stopped airing. Because the toys were still that successful in Argentina, to the extent that there was a toy company called Jooxa who were packaging those toys for the Argentinian market and when they ran out of source material they had to come up with new ways of selling them. They created the desert range which was all of the existing characters recoloured to be in desert fatigues. They sold versions of them with new accessories and new vehicles, most of which were borrowed from other toy ranges. And they sold a Rambo vs. Terminator double pack. Why didn't we get a Terminator in here?

Because they also had the Terminator 2 license and they also released box sets called Super Heroes which was a collection of I think five action figures from Rambo, Terminator, Aliens, Ghostbusters, Street Fighter and the WWF. Fantastic. Just pre-mixed grab bag which was what we all ended up with anyway but to give that to you and then to also be like, we're going to take your scrambled, like, poor child toy box and then just bring them all to life and have them fight on stage was completely inspired. It's so brilliant. But yeah, just again, the ideas Chain of Custody was Rambo the movie, a movie about like the torment of war and how the industrial war machine turns men into despair. They turn that into a cartoon.

Even before that, there was the book First Blood. Of course, right. Which is about law enforcement's love affair with a deranged Vietnam vet. If I'm remembering the book correctly, there was just a lot of long distance love in that book. Some dog murder, great book. Check it out at your local library. So they took the dog murder book, made it into an amazing timeless film about despair

and regret, and then they made that into a cartoon for children. And then they sent that to Argentina where it became the biggest toy line of all time. And then from there became a professional wrestling show. And I, it sounds like a lot, but it is seven fewer steps than many of the Ninja Turtle products I've eaten. And I genuinely, I don't know if the cartoon itself even aired in Argentina. I think it's an adaptation of the toy line.

The toy line is an adaptation of the cartoon, so it's got cartoon DNA. So I'm even wrong about all that shit I thought I understood. No, that was all right. It's just that they never got the previous steps. Right, they had a little bit less context than us. Yeah. They didn't know there was a movie or a book. They would have been like, who's Sylvester Stallone? I just liked the toy. I see. This seems fascinating and complicated because I think our adult brains demand context

and reason, but I explained this to my first grade daughter. She was like, daddy, what'd you do for work last night? And I was like, I'll tell her. And she got it instantly. And she only knows who Rambo is from Gremlins 2. I'm not one of those dads that shows their daughter Rambo first blood before she's eight. But like, she was like, yeah, cartoons, fighting man toys, police versus army. I got it. Awesome. So I feel like kids just see this and like, yeah, I know what this is. The kids in this show, like in the audience of this show, first

of all, are in so much danger danger and second of all, love it. Yeah, they have no idea. Just all about it. It turned out to be a great idea. Whatever else we say about it, it was wildly successful. We have, I think about an hour and a half, 14 matches of this to go through. There was quite a bit more than this in general but this is just what we can what we can get our hands on because a lot of this is straight-up lost media but it starts with well it starts with the insane intro which which having no context is very worrying it starts with Rambo in the ring and he has brought his machine gun in to the wrestling ring like if you got that on

the side of the ring that's like a nice threat. Like, Triple H had a hammer, a lot of guys bring a chair or some kind of a, you know, something to bonky with if things get crazy, but he had a full assault rifle. Yeah, it's a different kind of show. I mean, certainly today, that's a different implication if he comes in with an assault rifle. So it's about him and his friends. His friends are Apache Chief, who by the 90s, sure, will allow it. And TD Jackson, who in the credit sequence is some kind of impossible man beast wearing a human skin face, and he comes with a portable mind thrower or a slide projector. It's impossible to tell.

That was like a full-on toy prop. Like someone their 3D printer on a toy prop on a 100x scale or something. I honestly had no idea what that was. I had to look up the toy to see what it was even trying to be. I still don't know. I think it shoots records or skill saws, maybe? I looked up the toy as well. It's a battle action disc launcher. Okay. Yeah. It launches discs of some kind. You can tell that I didn't look up the toy at all. I just saw him walk in with that and I went, oh, that launches discs that I'm going to

lose immediately. And the TD stands for touchdown. TD Jackson is supposed to be an American football guy. Yeah, from the cartoon, from the cartoon Rambo. So a lot of these, some of this stuff, they're going to make up for the toy line. Like Patrick said, they make up their own ranges and there will be takes and spins and brand new characters in this that do not exist. For our guest, Patrick, in American football, we launched discs at our enemies. Lose them immediately. It goes right under the grandstands.

You have to pause the game to go find it. Giant dogs come and eat them. It's crazy. Rambo's friends also include White Dragon, who was a storm shadow, and Colonel Troutman, who you'll remember from the movies as an elderly, fatherly general trying to bring Rambo back in alive despite his PTSD. He was played by Richard Krena, and here he's played by another maniac in a skin mask. He's played by a very old, very wet corpse they found. They are wearing, they're like children's Halloween masks, but decayed, but the rubber is kind of flaking and melting off, and it's deeply unsettling. Troutman's is the most human-like.

Which makes it possibly the worst. I think maybe the worst. It is horrific. They're all horrific. It's the most identifiable as the person it's supposed to be. Yes. But also immediately identifiable as a huge threat, as like an immediate threat to all of humanity.

You would just flee, like seeing this man. Yeah, you'd either kill it or flee. There's no way you'd do anything else. And now there's a moment where the subtitles failed, and we'll find out what this is later, but as the subtitles in the intro announce it, it implies that Troutman is also some sort of muscle abomination with a black manta helmet, two rocket launchers on the side, or kind of a kind of a cyborg. Kind of a scorpion cyborg they call him. This turns out to be just kind of muddled with their general villains, which are the Wild Commandos, as they call them Scorpion is the is the name of the evil team that they're battling. And this is about five seconds into the video we've made it.

It's the most chaos I've ever seen, and it does not disappoint. In the cartoon, the bad guys are called SAVAGE. And that stands for Specialist Administrators of Vengeance, Anarchy, and Global Extortion. No notes. Awesome. The perfect. The perfect- What does scorpion stand for? And it's scorpion with a K. I like that they're wild commandos. I like the descriptor wild commando. Just a bunch

of- they're party commandos is what they are. I didn't take any sound clips from this because the audio quality is from the early 90s. It's all in Spanish. It sounds like you're being drowned by the South American Roomba. But I think we can get through it with just our primitive understanding and a maniac robot subtitle. So match one is Kingpin versus Rambo. And they announce this is a new character, the millionaire Kingpin, who is maybe a domino, maybe a Kano. He's got like a weird eye makeup thing just over one eye.

Yeah, I think it's supposed to be a cybernetic eye. So he's an overweight millionaire cyborg. Or a monocle. It could be a monocle. It just hit me that this could be like a wealthy guy's monocle. Face paint monocle. That's the best answer yet, and I hope that's it. The worst of the Legion of Doom.

I just think overweight millionaire cyborg is a great Heel character. You don't need to introduce anything else about him. And he comes out throwing money to the kids, which they all love and undermines the Heel character completely because they're all following him and cheering. That being said, the announcer spends the whole time explaining how he's like, no, no, no, he's going to betray you. He's buying your love with this money. It's not actually good that he's throwing you $6. I really appreciate this. I kind of want this guy to sit next to my mom while she's watching the news and explain like, no, no, no, no, no, no,

see, he said he'd give you the money, but he's actually a bad guy. I think he was doing that as a reaction to the children. Like he came out throwing money and you were supposed to think this man is trying to buy my affection that sucks. And they were like, this man is trying to buy my affection that rules. And he had to be like, on the fly. No, no, no, kids. He's a bad guy! You're supposed to hate this guy. So they have referees in this, but the referees are, I believe, just General Warhawk, also in a skinwalker mask, and Colonel Troutman, and they are incredibly biased, of course, through all this, often taking part in the fights. So there's multiple men in terrible skin masks, some of them dressed like IP theft, and they're all here to beat the shit out of each other, and it's wonderful. Whichever of Colonel Troutman or General Warhawk isn't refereeing just sort of hangs out at ringside during the matches. They're always both there, and General Warhawk just looks like Max Headroom.

That's a good description. It's also really a crowded little ring so everyone can kind of at all times touch the other three people. It is real small. It's like a half-size ring. And it is not put together well. Yeah, that does come up a couple of times. I believe they're just wooden posts and just actual rope instead of anything flexible. Yeah, I think they made it out of trash and car parts. It does add some drama a few times. They explained several minutes into the match that what we're currently watching is some kind of super championship,

and we are explained that the hurricane turns into a Rambo, the public is Rambo, Rambo, and I hope you understand that because that's about the most coherent we're gonna be from now on. So now a black ninja comes in to fight the millionaire cyborg, the overweight millionaire cyborg, and he is Black Dragon, and he leaps into the ring to be immediately destroyed. Now, I have a theory about this. Well, you know what, we'll get into that as we see more ninjas because we are going to see so many ninjas. Jesus Christ. It really did make me so happy that they just kept bringing out a new color ninja.

I'm like, it's one of my favorite things. It is pretty wonderful. So we're gonna kind of, we got 14 matches. If there's any move you want to talk about, feel free to cut in. But Rambo, Rambo wins. Rambo beats the overweight millionaire cyborg. And if you watch close as they cut away to see Rambo celebrating, you can see General Warhawk, the referee, lovingly rubbing the unconscious kingpin's bald head, just like

massaging his head for him. My favorite thing about the end of this match is the announcer says that Rambo has obtained two points. So there are points? What the fuck is that about? There's no other mention of points anywhere. Much later on, they talk about someone potentially being deducted points. I don't know if there's some sort of league table, I don't know what the scoring

system is. Every match is about three minutes long anyway. It's probably for like the betting line for like the kids there that are putting money on these. I really liked how after Ramble won he like runs into the crowd and hugs all the children. And I don't, I mean you couldn't set this up, these are children, but they they love it. They all like know their role to like go up and hug the mighty Rambo, like he saved their fishing village. But he just beat up a beach ball sized man who just gave everyone $300. I couldn't find the story they were trying to explain to me. Rambo, Rambo is also in a terrifying rubber skin mask. Rambo's is the worst. Ramboos is the most serial killer skin mask.

I think it's because it's the most prominent. There's not a lot of headgear around him to distract from it, so you're just like, oh yeah, this is just a man who's going to eat parts of me. I assume it's designed to make him look like an action figure. If there's any intentionality to it, it has to be that, because it's just some orange plastic bag on this man's head. Like, someone tried to kill him and it didn't work and he got confused in his lack of oxygen and just wandered into this place and started fighting men. That's one of those two explanations is the one.

I have been trying to find out who played Rambo in this series, because some of the wrestlers were other characters in other Argentinian wrestling shows. That's awesome. Some of them are really talented wrestlers. Some of them are very good, some of them are not. Yes, some are very much not. I don't know if he is or not, but Rambo might be the same guy who played an Argentinian RoboCop in a comedy series. Fantastic. God, what an IMDb. He's a Rambo and a RoboCop.

He's a Rambo and a RoboCop. I hope that's the only two roles he ever had, and that's, what an IMDb. He's a Rambo and a RoboCop. He's a Rambo and a RoboCop. I hope that's the only two roles he ever had, and that's just what his IMDb has. While we're on the subject, how they choose to apply the face mask, because like, a lot of characters have these terrible, horrible, frightening face masks, and then a lot of them just don't. A lot of them just don't. A lot of them just show up like TD Jackson just shows up as a guy. In the credits like he has a weird face mask but when he shows up in this next match which which is Black Dragon versus TD Jackson he's just a dude. Like he's just a regular American football

player. So they don't have to be in the mask so what is dick what dictates whether or not you get you get to be a skinwalker? If you had a guy down there saying hi, I'm John Rambo and he didn't look like the John Rambo toy You'd be like, well, I'm completely taken out of this story. None of this makes any sense anymore I buy the monocle painted on that round man's face. But like that guy's clearly not John Rambo Okay, I have a I have a I have a rebuttal or actually I think the show itself has a rebuttal to that theory, but that's coming up. We'll get to that. This match is Black, the next match is Black Dragon versus TD Jackson. The announcer helpfully explains who Black Dragon is. He is a ninja who has earned hatred for his negative ninjitsu power.

That's my favorite subtitle in the entire thing. Received hatred for his negative ninjitsu. Yeah, no notes on that. That is an incredible character profile. This is one of the few times where I don't speak a lot of Spanish, but I do believe that's what he said, like, for that, if you're listening to it. I think he said he earned hatred for his negative ninjitsu power. That's one of the first things I learned in Spanish in seventh grade. The announcer introduces his opponent, an athletic university student who belongs to

the force of the brave, it's TD Jackson with his portable mind thrower and no discs. He doesn't fire any discs because he's lost them all. The ref is, I think, is this General Warhawk again? It was Troutman for this one. But Warhawk is there. Warhawk is on the sidelines. And he's just wearing an old human face they found. Of course. Like he's gonna rob a bank in point break. And he calls it down the line. I just wrote down that T.D. Jackson is a physical Marvel. Like I guess my expectations were so low that when I saw this guy come in and just do like, he travels only through handspring.

I was like, this guy fucking go! A magnificent whirlwind of nothing but drop kicks. It's just drop kick after drop kick. Hercan Rama! I love that, like, Football Guy is one of the oldest wrestling gimmicks you can do. It's really easy. You do a bunch of shoulder tackles. Of course. The old Jim Duggan three-point stance, and TD Jackson throws all of that to one side and just does handsprings, dropkicks, and hurricane ranas, and backflips everywhere.

STORM He nobody expected that guy to start doing that of all the people. So the Black Dragon is clearly like, wait, that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Did we get our parts switched? Because he's just wildly, wildly outmatched. Like, it is a little bit of a struggle. Once again, for the second time, the ninja is almost immediately disposed of. These are truly disposable ninjas. Black Dragon is so much just a ten-year-old's drawing of a ninja. He's a real toy. I looked up the toy, and he's, you know, he's a snake eyes. He comes to the crossbow, nunchucks, a sword and a knife. None of which the wrestler has.

Like every once in a while, he'll come in with a weapon and do like a demonstration. And I got to say, like, like the ninjas, I assume it's one guy playing all of them. Why would it not be? That would be insane. They are very capable and very agile performers, but it is their role in this show to get destroyed. They're just... it's like W. Mac Masters. They're just there for you to eat and gain power. So match number three is Black Dragon again versus... ...Kerry Mahoney? Ha ha ha! This is incredible. For those of you that don't recognize the name, that's Steve Guttenberg from Police Academy. And they got...

To play Steve Guttenberg, he doesn't wear a mask because they got a guy who looks so much like Steve Guttenberg that they didn't have to bother. This guy looks like a blonde Robert Zadar. Exactly what I wrote down. So he's... Did you really a blonde Robert Zadar. Exactly what I wrote down. So did you really write down Robert Zadar? Yes, I wrote he's a Robert Zadar type dressed like a cop, and we have that in America. It's called Maniac Cop. It's called Maniac Cop. Yes, he's dressed like Maniac Cop. I wrote down Latino meatloaf because I do think that's a safe way to describe

it. A little bit. Pastel de carne, I think you I think you call that. I was so fucking excited when I saw this because I guess I knew this from like learning about this years ago, but I'd completely forgotten that they had added police academy characters to this like what a fucking world we live in where this can happen like, like real life Smash Brothers, but stupid and insane. Yeah, so police academy was one of the other toy ranges that this company had the license to. So they had Terminator, they had Ghostbusters, they had the WWF, and their choice for other characters to put into their wrestling show

specifically Steve Guttenberg. Were the Police Academy cartoon series. They had the WWF. You could have put Ultimate Warrior in here. Ultimate Warrior is just put on any good red huge wrestler in face paint. That's real easy. It's wild to be like, let's bring Steve Guttenberg in. Wait, what if he was Robert Siddar?

And the announcer does a great thing where for the longest time we don't show him. So as you're watching this, you're like, Carrie Mahoney! And then a bulldog comes out dressed like a cop and all the announcer wants to talk about is his dog. It's his dog Sampson. And he explains that his dog Sampson has a few fleas but is an expert to bones. And so we're watching the dog do the walk up the whole time and only at the end do we cut away and reveal that Kerry Mahoney is Robert Zadar. It's such a good punchline.

The announcer also tells us that Samson is a Bucca Juniors fan, which is just an Argentinian soccer team. This dog has a lot of personality. Really important information that Samson is a fan of that team. And Samson is apparently from the Police Academy animated series, where he's the leader of a group of talking police dogs. They didn't put him in a mask. Even though I know that you can get Steve Gutenberg masks. I own 15 different Steve Gutenberg masks. There's no reason to just have fucking put the dog in a Steve Gutenberg mask. It's stupid they didn't do that. to just have fucking put the dog in a Steve Guttenberg mask. It's stupid they didn't do that.

So you can already tell it. I don't need to tell you, but the announcer promises us that international sports will vibrate in the Superdome tonight. Yeah, they will. You know, they will. Yes. So the match starts and Black Dragon immediately just starts dominating Mahoney. Mahoney does turn it around with a series of really mechanical forced somersaults. He just keeps forcing the ninja into somersaults, which I would argue is the least effective thing to do to a ninja. There's a lot of places on a ninja where you can touch him and it just sets off the part of the brain that forces somersaults. Like, if you poke a ninja in the right pressure point, they'll just somersault until they die.

And he does. He attempts to do that. Except for his tick. That is, I would argue his weakness is that he must constantly do Rodney Rodney Dangerfield tie adjustments. Like, he always has to stop after every move and do like a whole tie adjustment. Real fussy. He's always like fixing his hair or his clothes. He's just, I don't know, put on the wrong size outfit or something, or he just put on 50 pounds. I think they think Steve Guttenberg is like a pretty boy, I think is what they're going for, which is not what we had Steve Guttenberg for. I don't know what we had Steve Guttenberg for, but I don't think it was that. Steve Guttenberg fucked in Police Academy.

That was his character's main motivator. Was it? All right. All right, all about- Zaniness and fucking is a Cary Mahoney. Which again, it makes it a weird choice to have a maniac cop playing him. To cast Robert Zadar in the role of the zany fuck man. Did they fuck up the toy of him really badly?

Like, because I know sometimes it's really hard to find a mold for like a skinny guy or... Maybe they got a melted one? Yeah, some sort of like there was a problem with the mold and they're like, I don't know how to cast this. Wait, look at that guy. He's a fucking maniac cop. He's perfect. So the announcer explains what's going on with all the tie adjustments. It turns out Steve Gutenberg is a poly crazy right-hander. That's what he says. He's a poly crazy right-hander. That's what he says! He's a poly crazy right-hander, which is why he has to adjust his tie all the time. Well now I feel like a dick. I didn't know he had a disability.

Yeah, yeah. We're the monsters now. So Black Dragon turns it around on Steve Guttenberg, maniac cop, and he begins doing, and I quote, as the announcer says, footstuff, which is against the rules. Yeah, in the 80s you couldn't do footstuff and still get a PG-13 rating. I mean, it's all footstuff in modern wrestling and modern wrestling's only fans. But back here, against strictly against the rules, Keri Mahoney does turn around and pins Black Dragon and gives us another final Rodney Dangerfield tie adjustment just to take us out.

Classic Gutenberg catchphrase, I can't get no respect. I already like from the intro where you see just all of these men in I think I'm gonna say like a 10-foot ring. They had like six men in there just mauling each other and some of them were Rambo and some of them were ninjas and I was just like, God, this is chaos. How is this going to escalate? Well, Steve Gutenberg's here from Police Academy. He's going to wrestle to just fucking out of nowhere.

And and we keep we keep escalating. It's match number four is turbo versus a man called Flung High El Samurai. versus a man called Flungi El Samurai. Which is uh... El Fantástico Turbo versus Flungi Samurai. It's just... It's like a Mad TV sketch. It's like a Mad TV sketch we should have known better than when Mad TV ran it. This is like period accurate to 80s, like maybe not 90s racism. This is definitely if they were adapting an 80s cartoon, this is 80s, 80s far orient kind of mystical racism.

Yeah, it's lazy 80s, but like it's not up to the standards of a G.I. Joe character, but you could see this, like, you know. Weirdly, I think Flung High is from the Police Academy cartoon. Yeah, I looked him up. He's from the Police Academy cartoon. Which is why we got the 80s racism in there. His toy came with, and I quote, crazy karate gear. I do have in my notes that all of Flung High's offense in this match is what people in the 80s thought karate was.

Yes, that's exactly what he is. The perfect way to describe it. And his wrestler is goddamn terrible. It really makes you appreciate the good ones. It's Flung-Hai El-Samurai. The guy playing Flung-Hai was a really big star in Argentina because he'd previously played Genghis Khan in a different wrestling style. Oh my god, that's awesome. Every fact you introduce makes me love this more. But he didn't do any actual wrestling

moves. He only did karate chops. And I don't know, I just kind of appreciated that. That he's not like a Tajiri. He's not doing wrestling moves and sometimes decides to do karate. He's just full karate. He came from the wrong sport. He's just like, I don't know what I'm doing here, but I hope they let me do karate chops. He carries some nunchucks to the ring with him, and then doesn't do a demonstration with them, so he obviously has no idea how to eat them. Right, at least Black Dragon did his orange belt routine with his lethal sigh. This guy's like, I've never seen anything like this before.

I'm just gonna set them down. He's wearing a sort of purple pajama suit. Mm-hmm. Beautiful. Did the toys come with it? I have to imagine it came with the nunchucks. So like, was you have to come to the ring and show off like the attachment for the toy to get the kids to buy it? That has to be it. Yeah, it has to be it.

He's crazy karate gear, flung high. So yeah, he definitely had nunchucks. I don't, I can't verify that. I don't have it up right now. Which is also what Turbo does. So Turbo, they explain, is an electro genius who comes renewed with the desert. He's the Fantastic Turbo. And Turbo was the confusing manta ray helmet bazooka head from the start. So he's got some sort of 80s sci-fi villain, full gear. It looks like about 50 pounds of plastic all around his body and he cannot move well in it. He has a lot of trouble navigating to the ring.

Yeah, full deep sea diving helmet, plastic backpack. He looks like a toy that came to life. I really like this. Yeah, all of that. He is the most toy-looking character. He's got a rifle, he's got that huge helmet, he's a bodybuilder, he's in incredible shape compared to almost anyone else in this show. And he looks like a Streets of Rage bad guy or something.

Yeah, like in the underwater level. The announcer does explain that he defeats his rivals by demolition, which fucking sounds awesome. I don't think that's quite true. I think in the rules of this, you do, if you explode your opponent, then you win. Like that's considered a pinfall. As Sean said, most of this match is about karate chopping, chest slapping with some groin gesturing and full of like weird little muscle hops, like when a really buff guy tries to jump and it like just doesn't get the height that he thinks he should get.

Before the match starts, and I don't think he did this in any of the previous matches, Colonel Troutman does the weirdest little camp dance routine to bring them together and start the match. That was weird. You're right. They get real weird with it because they have to do... the two referees especially feel like they have to do a lot of physical pantomimes since they can't talk in their terrible, terrible masks. So they have to like pantomime their characters, but they both seem like they really want to sell their characters, so they'll often do just a totally inexplicable pantomime. You're like, what the fuck is that? Are you in like... are you saying you're trapped in a blender? I don't know how to help you.

Well, we all know Colonel Troutman was very physical, flamboyant character in Rambo. He would cartwheel into the scene and say, I'm here to help you get Rambo! Was there like a mistranslation on his card in the toy line? Like, he's a very flamboyant man. I think I loved this match because Flunghy, I'm making fun of him, he only does cry chops, but like, he might not know how to wrestle it, because they would set up these moves and it kind of just, like, one of them would just sort of be upside down and get carried around like, it looked like two guys trying to hang Christmas lights without a ladder, and I was like, I've seen a lot of wrestling, I was like, I don't even know what move that was going to be before they fucked it up.

Well I think the, that's why we have the announcer. So Turbo lands this kind of weird series of drop kicks and the narrator explains those are a half hour on the chest and what you do is you eat it in a lock of hair. That's Turbo at work coming up with wafer. Okay, yeah, that explains it. Yeah, you got it. You got this fucking insane madness. It kind of ends when Turbo forces Flung High into what looks like a forced piggyback, and then they both choke each other until they call it a tie. Yeah, they hit the 38 second time limit, fucking, it's over.

The audience fucking hates it. The audience is like, that sucks of you, don't do that. It's just amazing that they got all dressed up in these elaborate, ridiculous costumes, found a pair of nunchucks, walked to the ring, and then just hugged each other confusingly for 30 seconds and called it. To the delight of no one. Baby, that's a half hour on the chest. You gotta eat it in the lock of hair.

So match number five is Turbo versus Mad Dog. Turbo again comes in with his 50 crippling pounds of plastic props and he looks so unhappy when somebody helps him out of it. Clear that he's been in that for a while. They attached my clip. That has to be it. They're simulating it being like- He hates getting clipped in and out of his accessories. Multiple times the announcer calls Turbo a muscle emporium. I want to be called a muscle.

That's my new goal. I am doing commentary on a wrestling show next weekend I will quit that job if I don't get the phrase muscle and porium into that shit Yeah, I fucking rules we need to bring that here that means to start So he's fighting a character named mad dog, which the announcer explains muscles of steel bad And that's exactly what he says. He has a long pause and he says mollo Yeah, that's faithful. Muscles of steel. Bad.

That's a bad one. He's a Zangief type, by which I mean he is wearing a Zangief mask. It's another horrible flesh mask. I hate this one in particular because you can tell the guy's head is huge and the mask is not, so it looks like it really hurts. It's squeezing, his flesh is changing color underneath. It's a Mr. T condom wrapped around his head. That's what it hurts. It's squeezing his flesh is changing color underneath. Yeah, it's a Mr. T condom wrapped around his head. That's what it is. It's an albino. It's a Mr. T misprint. They couldn't sell it

because it's white face Mr. T. Before he gets to the ring, he stumbles into the crowd and he headlocks a local mom in a sexual way. It's a very wet armpit for sexual assault that he commits. He is oily. He leaves a full body oil imprint on that on that mother I don't get it I don't know if he knows this woman if this is like just saying hi to his wife or if this is like Oh, no my character He'll he'll trample children to rub his armpit on a lady. That's that's part of his character Well, he does push a child he comes out of that and then he just shoves a child out of his way

I think he's just trying to sell himself as a heel and what an effective sell. I found this guy in the cartoon. He looks... He's got a red mohawk, a little vest, a bullwhip and a shotgun mounted on his backpack. He looks exactly like me when I'm at a wedding. So I was like... But in a mean-spirited way. Like, I'm like... Complete with flesh mask? You know, the cartoon design is your classic 80s cartoon punk. There's a character that looks like Mad Dog in every single 80s Saturday morning cartoon.

Oh yeah, the first boss in Final Fight, clearly. The wrestler is just Zangief. He's just doing a Zangief. I don't think he can help it if you put a three sizes too small white Mr. T face on a man who turns into Zangief. That's how you get a Zangief. I don't think he can help it if you put a three sizes too small white Mr. T face on a man who turns into Zangief. That's how you get a Zangief. That's how you make them. That's how you make Zangiefs. This might be the worst match of the night. It's pretty bad and the announcer knows it because after a blow, after he gives him like a forearm blow,

the announcer says, ooh, terrible nonsense on Turbo's chest, which leaves him hurt. It is just like a bunch of botched basic moves. I don't think you can see out of the mask, so maybe like, let's forgive a little bit of it. Yeah, there's only a couple of guys that are really good in those masks, and they use a lot of them. They use a lot of them, and it just,

it does seem like it hurts. They just, in South America, they don't know how to make wrestling masks. There's no such thing as a mask you wear for wrestling. Right? Right? There's no such thing as a mask you wear for wrestling. Right? Right? There's so many crazy decisions here. So another crazy decision is that the announcer seems to realize this sucks and that they're just kind of pawing at each other, so he stops announcing the fight entirely to plug some sort of magic act that will be up soon in this arena. He says it's a, I believe he says it's a series

of magicians, and if the kids attend, they will get a WCW doll. Which, uh, why? Stay in your seats for Kevin's birthday later, kids! So I think the announcer for this show was a TV magician. So I think he got bored of this match and started just plugging his tour schedule. He really did seem to get bored because he would check back in the match and be like, yeah, they're still just kind of grabbing and rubbing. I'm going to talk some more about my upcoming shows. You're continuing your streak of only adding to my joy.

Like the fact that I know he's a magician now is fucking great. Perfect. It's wonderful. So Turbo eventually loses this pawing match and Mad Dog leaves the match to fight more gathered children. Yes, that's correct. He fights more of the gathered children. Like, clearly some of it's for show, but he actually does like snatch something away from the child. The child's like, hey, fuck you and runs in and grabs it back. Yeah, it's for show but he actually does like snatch something away from the child the child like hey fuck you and runs in and grabs it back yeah it's so funny he loses he fights the children and loses it's wonderful our next match is apache chief versus tackleberry i love this oh god fucking good chief you listeners, you know what he looks like. You already know what fucking chief looks like. But Tackleberry has the same helmet as the toy. If you've seen the toy, it's got a white hard hat. But instead of like a welder's face

plate, they gave him noise canceling headphones, which I it's kind of insane. But this is how I got the show. As soon as I saw Tackleberry and wrapped my head around Tackleberry, I'm like, I get it. This should be an entire genre of entertainment. Toys that come to life grow to the size of man and fight. I'd be fine if Safari Spider-Man came out or Triclops. I don't give a shit. One of those Todd McFarlane pervert monsters. I don't care. I just something about Tackleberry made me understand. OK, I get it. These are toy men.

Tackleberry is also wearing like Bret Hart mirrored shades. Yeah, because again, because it's toy-wise, so they have to base the costumes off of the toy and using whatever clumsy things exist in the adult world, so he's got like, construction earmuffs over it to look like the bulge on the helmet because they could not replicate that style of helmet exactly. And he's fighting Apache Chief who is, it seems like real high energy Luchador in like a real kicky Texas Moms Night Out outfit. In a previous wrestling show, Titano's Anel Ring, the guy who is Apache Chief here, or just Chief, I genuinely don't know which is his real name,

He played Lion-O from Thundercats. Oh, fuck yeah. Fucking awesome. I wish he was playing that now. Lion-O versus Tackleberry? Right, and there was, in Mexico, there was a whole trio of Lucia Thundercats in the 80s. There was a real run in in Mexico in the 80s and 90s of just copyright infringement gimmicks. So there were Luchador Thundercats for a while.

But they didn't fight Police Academy. They did not, but there were multiple sets of Lucha Ninja Turtles. And there is Los Tortugas Ninjitsu or something. No, Los Tortugas Karataka was one of them. I would love to see Mexican Luchador Thundercats fight Mexican luchador stripes. Bill Murray in Stripes. Soy Harold Remus! There is a match between two teams of lucha ninja turtles that had been doing the gimmick on separate shows who got brought together for a match to determine who would

continue being the official, unofficial, Lusha Ninja Turtle team. You could lose your counterfeit IP license in a match. There should have been an evil copyright lawyer character that is just like the most unbeatable guy. It ends in a tie, because there's outside interference from a third set of Luchador Ninja Tanks. Oh, that fucking rules. Yes. That's perfect. That is how that ends. Oh, this is the downside of knockoff piping. There's a moment before this fight where you can really see the danger that these men are facing

because the Chief looks like he's going to do a backflip off the top rope, and he jumps up on the ropes and immediately regrets it. It's just like all wobbles, and he kind of just drops off safely and kicks the rope, like, I'm just, you know, doing a weird little hop. Like, he sensed the danger of trying to springboard off these terrible ropes. Again, because they are just slack ropes. They have no tension. They're just like, just hemp ropes hanging from wood.

Yeah, I don't think any of the ring posts have real turnbuckles on them. It is an eight-sided ring where the ropes are tied to wooden poles, effectively. Because it's meant to have that kind of Rambo-Vietnam War vibe. So everything is wood and rock. That Rambo-Vietnam War vibe. Let's clarify, that's a POW camp. They're fighting in a POW camp. Yeah, there is a watchtower in the background that they cut to before every ad break. Yes, there is a Vietnamese watchtower. This all takes place. They are all prisoners of war. Police Academy entered the Vietnam War and lost. We're taken prisoner and had to fight Rambo.

I found a magazine article announcing that this show was going to be made, where they claimed that the set cost $28,000 and included live crocodiles. Amazing. No, not all of that. That set costs like, that's a Mountain Monsters trap build. That's like some wire. Now you stole all that from a farmer. Like you went out to his barn. That alligator wrangler took that money and ran. So it's Apache Chief versus Tackleberry. Tackleberry is introduced as a not very beloved character in the line of new ones. It's Tackleberry.

What's weird is when Tackleberry takes off his helmet, his construction worker helmet, he has a brown mullet and kind of looks exactly like John Rambo. See, this is what's incredible. Like this is this was when I said I have I think the show has a rebuttal to you. This is what I meant. He takes off all that gear and he's like the Luchadorre Argentinian Rambo. Yeah, and then you have a different Rambo wearing an orange plastic bag for a face, and then just a regular guy who looks like Rambo. So like, if we're gonna do this, like, Tackleberry is a guy. If you're like, no, no, they can't look, we have to make them the the undead flesh of man so they look like they're toys Fucking tackle Barry is just like a guy with a curly mullet. He's just a dude. No face anything I was gonna say that this is a Really good match like everyone else is kind of just getting pinned after a scoop slam

But these two are having the WrestleMania match. They both go over these rickety ropes onto the cement. It's they're trading shots. I don't know Maybe Patrick disagrees, but I thought this was the best. Chief, I think, is probably the best wrestler of anyone on these shows. He's a lot of fun to watch. Yeah, he's great. He's genuine. Genuine Luchador shit. And Tackleberry, it seems like a much more conventional wrestler, but he sells it. He sells it really well. There's lots of headbutts and forearm slaps and getting thrown onto straight up concrete, just concrete down there.

Or a six year old or a six year old. Sometimes you get lucky in a first grade, it breaks your fall. Anyway, this ends with Tackleberry, Tackleberry winning it with a series of. Yes, that's right. More headbutts and forearm slaps. I found it most notable that he leaps out of the ring after being declared victorious and he tears apart a plant. They introduced that in Police Academy too. Tackleberry hates plants. Shit, I don't remember it well enough. That could have been a thing. That could have been

a thing with Tackleberry, huh? That would have been in character. Our next match is White Dragon versus Kingpin. That's right, there's a White Dragon. White Dragon is the Storm Shadow. He is described as the slow dragon with the power of the White Dragon. I liked, I think this is obviously the same dragon as before the Black Dragon, but he does relate like effeminate poses when he's in the white costume. But not like he's got like a fluid style of martial arts, but like he's outside of a kung fu school

window making fun of the kids. 100% right, I caught that too. Yeah, his opening ninjitsu display is... I know I already described Troutman's little pre-match ritual as incredibly camp, but this, it blows it out of the water. At one point, I'm sure it's in this match where he does a full horizontal split in the middle of his... ninja display. Yeah, he does, like all the ninjas do, that's why I think it's gotta be the same guy, because all the ninjas, well first of all, you don't have the budget to cast a different guy for each ninja, but second of all, they all do the James Brown split in the middle of it.

And there, you can't tell me there's more than one wrestler who can do the James Brown splits. I think this kung fu form is called the Happy Birthday, Mr. President. He even does like the sarcastic Betty Boop, like, poke out my butt and slap it. Yeah, it's very sexy. It's very, it's very weird., why do they play some of these as so mockingly effeminate? It's so bizarre. So he's fighting Kingpin again, and they do elaborate because they didn't really give us much description of Kingpin in the start. The announcer does tell

us Kingpin is a small but sturdy character who no longer dislikes this thing of children telling him to give them a hug, a kiss, or hug affection. He's a reverse beach ball child predator. So Cardle Troutman's back, he's back being the ref here, and they start this fight by doing... I'm gonna say it's a weeble wobble bit where Kingpin chin slaps White Dragon and White Dragon flies backwards onto his back

and does a kip up into another chin slap. And they do this, I wanna say, eight times? Yeah, it's very choreographed. It's ridiculous, but it's also so much better than it needs to be. Like, these guys got together and they plant this very, very weird spot. It's a very strange thing to do. I will agree that it's very skillfully executed. I do think that... I don't know about wrestling wrestling, but those ninjas are super agile. They're very athletic. And Kingpin... well, he's a beach ball child predator.

A reverse one. An overweight millionaire cyborg beach ball child predator. A reverse one. He's an overweight, an overweight millionaire cyborg beach ball child predator. Reverse child predator. Right. Sorry. I keep forgetting the important part. Very bad word to forget on someone's resume. So, so the announcer just takes this opportunity to, instead of

narrating whatever this, this strange exchange is, he, he starts just rag on Kinkman and he says, look at that face! I don't think we'll find another face like that. Like that of the strange billionaire, tiny but burly with his head. It's so accurate and I'm sure exactly what he said in Spanish. Kinkman absolutely destroys White Dragon and they forgot to put in any cheating or underhanded tactics so it just looks like White Dragon really fucking sucks. Like the ninjas, he just eats the ninja even though this is now the good ninja. This is on the good guy, this is one of Rambo's ninjas. Kingpin just, he beats him so bad that

at the end he makes him eat money like the rich love to do. He force feeds him money until he I guess dies from it. And he leaves the ring throwing the money and once again the announcer tries to tell us, don't love him, don't love him, and the children all mob him because he's throwing the money. They're like, we love this! And it's also in this match where the announcer says that Colonel Troutman is going to deduct points at any moment. Right! But not again. And there's no scoreboard. And I don't think he did anything illegal. I think you were allowed to punch a ninja

in a ninja fighting match. No, they forgot to put any underhanded tactics in there. They forgot to even put anything like cowardly. He just beat the shit out of that ninja. Just beat the shit out of him. And the children love it. Do not love him, children! He cares only for power and influence! He will betray you! The announcer just keeps unsuccessfully telling him, stop loving him! Damn it! Our next match is the ninja of the desert versus House. House is from Police Academy. Let's start with the ninja. It's definitely the same guy. It's definitely the default ninja, this time in a beige outfit. And he is fighting House from Police Academy, who if you don't remember was a very overweight black man. Before we get to that, can I say that ninja flies in on a zip line?

white black man. Before we get to that, can I say that ninja flies in on a zipline? Yeah, the ninja rules. The ninja is selling it. Here's my theory about the ninja while we're on it. I think he's so good. I think he's a really genuinely great wrestler, but he's one of those people that's too good at selling getting his ass kicked. It's like every time you smack him, he throws himself on his head, he does two backflips, so they're like, man you're so good at getting your ass kicked. You know what? You're just gonna get your ass kicked every time. One of the things that makes it clear that it's definitely the same guy is he gets tangled up in the ropes in the weirdest, most painful looking ways in every single match that he's

in. He gets thrown into the ropes and somehow hooks his knee over the bottom rope and lands on his head. See I think part of that's genuine because he's probably a pro that is used to actual wrestling ropes. So he's like, I know how to do this, I'm just gonna throw myself, put my leg here, and then it just turns out to be a hemp rope. And he's like, that fucking, that sucks. Yeah.

Well we've delayed as long as we can. House is an overweight black man introduced as there is no scale to weigh it. It has an impressive value. It's House from Police Academy. He is a big fat Mexican man in blackface. Full, full blackface. Yeah. So the toy, I looked this up, the toy was called Snack Attack House. And he was a fat black cop who came with a hot dog launcher and a sandwich.

Oh, so that's why the announcer keeps saying, he throws sandwich awesome. Yeah, but they didn't give the rest of the real-life house, they didn't give him a hot dog launcher, but they did paint him the same color, which was troubling, but like, you know, about as accurate as wrapping a man in an old corpse and calling it Colonel Troutman, I suppose? I lucked up House's action figure while I was doing my notes for this, and I think it might be more offensive than the blackface Mexican wrestler. It is weird that somehow the toy brought the same energy. So again, it's really authentic

and faithful to the toy. They must have seen that and thought, like, this is weird, it's not okay that they're doing blackface, but this is a man in blackface, that's what this toy is of. There's no way to check that and watch actual Police Academy movies. We're just gonna adapt. If you got this toy and put it underwater long enough, you'd find out it's just a really problematic white guy. Again, because there are so few overweight molds in

the action figure world that it has to be... It's just a Ramman. It was reused later for Nedry, I'm sure. At the beginning of the match, they didn't do this for too many other matches, but the guy checked his jerry-curl wig for weapons, which is something you definitely want to do in a cartoon about this man, but I don't think you should have done to the real-life version of this man. Just really, really troubling. There's so much facial horror going on in this ring between the decaying corpse masks and the blackface. You just... it's just a nightmare.

Luckily, it's a very quick nightmare because as Desert Ninja finds out, House takes no damage from ninjas. Yes. He's immune to ninja, so he just gives him a bunch of savage ninja moves that don't affect him and House slams him to the ground and it's over. The match lasts 30 seconds. Yeah, by knockout. The power of the Desert Ninja is absolutely.

Didn't even pin him. He just stomped him into pastel de carne. So match nine. Oh, no, it's Desert Ninja again. This time versus Flung Hai El Samurai. So one more time, Desert Ninja versus Flung Hai El Samurai, and the announcer explains there are two cultures at war in this. The Far East and the Far East. At this point, when we're watching a desert ninja fighting a samurai that might have been in police academy,

is really when we have to sit back and remember that this is adapted from a book about a traumatized Vietnam veteran. We're leaving something out. One of these men, one of these Asian stereotypes, just had his bones shattered by half a ton of blackface. Just throw that in there, just remind the audience. It's astonishing that the very next match after the blackface shows up, you're like, oh right, the guy that's almost in yellowface and is now not so bad. Yes. Now, retrospectively, this seems almost respectful. Good job on representation.

So Flung High immediately begins to maul the Desert Ninja, but then there's some kind of turnaround where it looks more like Flung High stumbles and hits his face on those ropes and like gets genuinely taken out. Yeah, tough to tell if that was planned. Seemed like it had to be planned. I have no idea what the finish is to this match. It just, yeah, Flung High hits his head and then it ends. Yeah, but he hits his head and then it ends. Yeah, but he hits his head like on the ropes in a way that really jerks his face back.

So you're like, yeah, that probably wasn't supposed to happen with an actual wrestling rope. And then they're just like, oh, oh no, the match is over. I hope Flung High is seen again. Yeah, there's no turnbuckles. I think on a regular wrestling turnbuckle, this would be just fine. You just nice pillow for your face to land on here. It's just like, oh yeah, you hit a door of an old Datsun. You get fed to the live crocodiles under the ring. Although the announcer does say one lovely thing, he calls the desert ninja the sweetheart

of the desert. Beautiful. Nice little thing. Once again, the desert ninja again. In match number 10, desert ninja versus Tackleberry. In this time we get a little ninja background. The announcer explains all ninjitsu power comes from the desert so the best ninja is a ninja of the desert. This is Desert Ninja. You don't like learn this kind of stuff on regular TV. This is like super valuable. I had no idea where ninjitsu came from. To be honest I didn't

even question it. I just thought it was kinda like maybe magic? I think it... I would've thought it'd be like a forest biome, but it's just fun to learn new things. Yeah, no, it originates in the desert. Versus the tough guy Tackleberry. Tackleberry comes out, he steals grandma's sign and stomps on it, and then power mimes the many punches he's going to do. Which is, I just thought was a great entrance. Tackleberry enters to the theme song for Scorpion, the Heal Team.

The Heal Team, yes. He's a bad guy. Everyone has either the good guy music or the bad guy music, and this is the clearest I've heard Scorpion's music on any of these matches, and it's fucking great. It rules, and it also really cements all the cast of Police Academy are the bad guys except for maybe Steve Godenberg? I think Kari Mahoney is a good guy. Yeah.

Maybe. But House, definitely he's on Scorpion. Tackleberry is like makes the world worse by existing. I think Tackleberry becomes is sort of the de facto leader of scorpion at this point. Like he is dominating these matches with his presence. I love this this match because desert ninja swings in on a rope and then immediately does like a kneel down ninja pose and just holds it while Tackleberry comes in. I'm like, God, this is so awesome. It's just so Godfrey Ho.

Like, I don't know. Kick ass is my point. And Tackleberry's bit, as we'll learn in future matches, Tackleberry's bit is like, he likes to come out and he decides he hates one specific person in the audience. And so he'll like, get into some sort of scuffle with them, and then he'll go into the ring and he'll fight a ninja for a while, and then as soon as he puts the ninja down he turns around and he walks to the ropes and he just starts yelling at the guy in the audience over and over again. And in this one, it gets so bad that General Warhawk also starts coming over and pantomiming

in his terrible inhuman way. I am yelling at you much like Tackleberry from Police Academy. He's wearing the elbow of a very wet corpse, and there's a moment here where Tackleberry throws the ninja onto the ref, and somehow that allows the ref to beat up his opponent. So then it ends with them just teaming up to beat up the desert dragon ninja. Yeah, the ninja gets thrown over Tackleberry's head, lands on Warhawk's shoulders, and instinctively Hurricanranas. It's very clear, and I will give this... I want to give him credit for the mime here, in that ninja mask. He really sells, I've been thrown through the air, I'm landing on somebody,

my impulse is to leg flip them. I'm not in control of that, I'm very sorry. Like, you get all of that immediately. I think it in control of that. I'm very sorry. Like, you get all of that immediately. I think it needs a little explanation. The announcer does explain, ayayay, this is sitting on a garden. The source of a ninja's power, yes. And Tackleberry hits him with like a forearm cross as the referee now holds his arm like a bully. And the announcer explains, this arm song this is this is arm song uh and it's just terrible forearm on the chest of ninjitsu power yeah a lot of people think it's

called heal the world but it's actually called michael jackson's arm song subtitle forearm on the chest of ninjitsu power they nobody ever says the subtitle on that song it's so annoying to me so tackleberry wins he runs out immediately to fight the crowd, and this time the crowd is ready and they all pile on top of him. Yeah. Everybody's in on it. What the fuck, it's so funny. House comes in and the announcer says, what is that mass, that terrible mass? It's House, who will unleash its power next week.

House, the sandwich thrower. And then yeah, Tackleberry jumps on his shoulders and piggybacks him out of the arena, and the announcer says, this is a very unprecedented way to present yourself in society. I mean, he's not wrong. He's not wrong. It's so clear and erudite. You're just like, you know what? That is a very unprecedented way. How else would you say that? Next up is match 11. It's Apache Chief versus Dr. Hyde, who we have not seen before. Apache Chief again just absolutely rocks your Texan mother's sluttiest little outfit. But Dr. Hyde is fucking crazy. The announcer says, he arrives here, the pathetic one, Dr. Hyde, and he is wearing the

full-face rubber mask of the toy, which is burned and mauled and unrecognizable. It's a sort of burned Toxic Avenger, right? Yeah. Like, real fucked up, crazy full-face rubber mask underneath, like, the full Fishbowl Dr. Freeze helmet. He cannot breathe under that. There's no way.

No way you put that huge rubber mask on him and then put a sealed dome over his head. And he's moving. He's moving real strange. I think he has to hold his breath until they take that thing off. I think the whole walk to the ring, he's just like, he's clearly dying. And then he takes off his skinless head's only protection for the fight. They're like, you know, but yeah, they take off the fishbowl and you're like, wait, don't you need that to live?

He's like, no. In the middle of the fight, like the guys come in and put it back on his head for like a second. Like they call a timeout to like, I guess, give him oxygen. So he will die if he's away from it, I guess, it's made very clear to the audience. I loved that.

I love that they made that clear. They paused the match for a little bit in the middle just to be like, yes, yes, he does need this to live. He's dying the whole time. This whole time you've been cheering. He's been dying. He's constantly suffocating and he can't see anything if you move six inches to either of his side. I don't know enough about wrestling to tell if he's very good for what's being done to him or not, but he seems more confident than I would assume for a man that's being periodically asphyxiated throughout this.

He seemed like he'd be a really good wrestler if he could see or breathe. If you hadn't done all of this to him for no reason. It's a hell of a fight. It's bizarre. It's weird. As the announcer says, here we are vibrating, observing how one of the characters most loved by women is unfortunately falling. That's Apache Chief.

He's losing. He's losing badly. There's another great bit of announcing about Apache Chief as well. It's one of these brilliant moments where the announcer really captures a character and explains it to you because he says, of Apache Chief, he is young. He belongs to a tribe. Oh, oh, oh shit, I love that guy. Yeah, they also added the word Indian to his name, so he's Apache Indian Chief for a lot of this match.

They can never decide, sometimes they just call him Chief. If you don't get his character yet, he also is a part of a tribe. So, I mean, I feel like that's a pretty well-rounded character. And he loves to do the boot scooting boogie by that outfit. It really is sexy. Like a little midriff, tiny vest. It's like four ounces of vest. Fringe all the way down the sides of his legs.

Yeah, well they knew that. You're not going to make an Indian character and like, should we give him fringe? It's like, dude, the costume designer has already fringed every single thing on this man. I think it's nothing but fringe. I'm not sure how that works. Kind of a Koosh Ball appearance. So Apache Chief does turn it around and pins Dr. Hyde, who pauses part way through to attack

members of the audience. Yup. Oh, he just punches someone in the front row. It's incredible. He just runs out. He's just blind and confused. Give him a break, guys. He's asphyxiating as we speak.

He's half dead. There's a young Apache Indian chief, part of a tribe, who is flashkicking him in the side of his burn wounds as they periodically run up to give him oxygen. There's a point here where Chief definitely almost dies. He springboards off the top rope, which is an insane thing to do in this ring anyway, and Dr. Hyde kind of catches him and he just gets spiked on top of his head. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. It's the combination of trying to jump off an incredibly loose rope with no support whatsoever and trusting a guy who can't breathe or see

to catch you. And it didn't work out. It's amazing. It's amazing that he managed to jump off of that, which was my take. Like, what a feat of athleticism that you can, standing on a completely slack rope, do any part of a backflip off of that. That's crazy. I mean, he did die from that and rest in peace, but what a feat.

So next is match 12. It's White Dragon versus Kingpin, the overweight millionaire cyborg, who is a beach ball, I'm going to remember this time, reverse Child Predator. Thank you. And White Dragon is of course the same guy. So he comes out and he does his fancy little weirdly effeminate routine and says, James Brown, Dancing Splits, which is very sexy. Yeah. And his combat style is kind of, it seems like it's built entirely around gently and

impishly escaping, which works because Kingpin gets so mad that he can't fucking hit this backwards handspringing guy that he starts beating up the ref and the ref says, hey, no, you're not allowed to beat me up. You're disqualified. So it worked. If you've watched a lot of wrestling, you're used to a referee getting hit and being immediately knocked out and not getting up again for 10 minutes. Here, Kingpin throws a couple of punches at Troutman and he ducks out of the way and just walks straight over to White Dragon and raises his arm. This is the least satisfying match, like if you were a kid and this was the night you

got to come and you saw this match, you'd be like, I don't think I like wrestling anymore. The only note I've made about this match is there's one point White Dragon is knocked out on the floor and he's just covered in foliage for some reason. Yeah, he knocks down the plant, which are again supposed to remind you that this all takes place within a Vietnamese prison of war camp. Yeah, what a great match. I would have found this actually really satisfying because I always hated it when the bad guy would cheat and then win the match.

So it'd be nice to see like a bad guy cheat and then just like the thing you'd expect to happen would happen. You're right. That is very surprising. As a kid I would have been like, wait, holy shit, what? There are rules? They're being enforced? What's going on here? The strangest thing about this entire show, in a way, is it still tries to stick to the trappings of wrestling as a sport. While sticking to nothing else, like no coherent logic known to man. It's this fight between whatever Scorpion is and Rambo's Freedom Force, these kind of

duelling mercenaries and Tackleberry from Police Academy. I love it. And multiple ninjas. I mean it truly is how you played toys as a kid, especially if your family didn't have a lot of money so you just had mismatched whatever you get. Oh absolutely, yeah. I grew up in the early 90s with my older brother's toys. Yeah, there are guys that you don't even know what they do.

Yeah, Gizmo hung out with the Ewoks, Battle Cat was Luke Skywalker's friend, I didn't know who any of these characters were yet, and they all just had to interact with each other. If I also had a toy wrestling ring, I'd have just kind of invented this. Yeah, this is exactly word for word what you have invented. Maybe not the announcer's word for word. He says something at the end of this match where Kingpin leaves and he says he leaves with all the fury in the world. And I think that's exactly what he said in Spanish too.

All right, so match 13 is a wild one. It's Tackleberry and Mad Dog on one team versus Apache Indian Chief and TD Jackson, the football player. So three Rambo toys and a police academy of toys. Yes. And come to life and they're mad the football player. So three Rambo toys and a Police Academy toy. Yes. They come to life and they're mad at each other. It's not a tag team match in any sense. It's a four person match.

It is supposed to be a tag team match. I don't get that at all. I don't think anyone tags at any point during that. Right, so tornado tag rules. But it is a two out of three falls tag team match. Yes, and sometimes you're not allowed in the ring, even if multiple other people are in the ring, and sometimes you are. It's just, it's a kid playing with it.

You're making up the rules and going, every time your friend says, like, oh, you're not allowed to do that, you just go, nah-uh, and then keep doing it. That's what this whole match is. So is this like Lego movie rules where we're seeing what the kid is playing with, fleshed out in live action, or is it like a Saint Elsewhere Snow Globe situation? A real tragic child who has gone completely insane and disassociated, and that's what the announcer is talking. That's a troubling thing to throw into the conversation because like if we are thinking,

oh, Police Academy and Rambo exist in the same universe, like, I'm going to be thinking about that for days. Like what does that mean? Those are the implications, the greater implications for Vietnam specifically. How did Vietnam happen? That means Bubba Smith went to Afghanistan. They sent it. They sent Hightower to join the Taliban. Alright, so this madness opens with Tackleberry trying the fake handshake thing,

but TD Jackson does not go for it and the announcer praises him. He says, I wouldn't trust Tackleberry much among oxen, as they say. It's pure chaos. At one point, Apache Chief clearly throws himself out of the ring upside down, because I guess Mad Dog forgot to, who was across the ring. The son of a bitch, Apache Chief is so good, he's so dedicated, that he doesn't actually need anybody to lose to. Like, he can just do it on his own. Everyone gets thrown out of the ring at some point during this match,

and it's the best luck you get at the stage setup and the surroundings of the ring at some point during this match, and it's the best luck you get at the stage setup and the surroundings of the ring. And it's on some sort of raised platform. And the amount of times in this match that people almost fall off that to just bare concrete floor is terrifying. I think they do fall onto the concrete floor a few times. They definitely do. They're beating each other up right next to these tiny children.

And I don't know if this is a little kid thing or Argentina thing, but they have no sense of danger. They're absolutely certain that the evil toy from Rambo will not hurt them. And they're wrong. They're all very wrong. At least one guy gets a full man dropped on him. That is, I think it's okay. So their brawl takes them all out of the ring, all four out of the ring now.

Actually five because the referee has gotten dragged into this all-out brawl and has just beaten up random people. And what happens is he comes out there and all of these children, very young children, like not high schoolers or anything, these are children, children, are sitting on folding chairs in the front row and General Warhawk in his his undead flesh mask grabs the Apache Indian chief and full body like his feet. I looked his feet are off the floor, full body swings and hurls him straight into a kid. Just wipes that kid off the fucking map and then nobody stops or checks. They get up and just keep fighting. Yep.

It's incredible. You can see it. That kid is just demolished. You're gonna lose a few kids in an Argentinian Rambo wrestling match. They all know. Earlier we've mentioned a few times the audience runs in to fight. The audience, every time the audience runs in to fight. Every time the audience runs in to fight one of the bad guys it's very clearly just the other wrestlers dressed like what they think an audience member would wear, which is funny in itself because it's all muscle tank tops and shit.

There's a guy in a blue tank top that is there every single time there's a fight in the audience. He's definitely one of the wrestlers. But then there's also a guy in white with a bandana who keeps throwing punches at whoever comes near him, and I'm not convinced that he is a wrestler. See, because as a kid, you see this and you're like, maybe you get it, and you're like, okay, those are other wrestlers, I must not be in any danger sitting here in the front row. And then you get wiped out by a flying Apache Indian sheep. And you have to explain that for the rest of your life, do a doctor for the rest of your life.

All the other people in the front row get like Gallagher ponchos to protect themselves from all the liquid child remains getting splattered everywhere. I just can't get that. It's such a terrible thing to laugh at, but I can't get that kid just getting completely wiped out on the screen. He's just a't get that. It's such a terrible thing to laugh at, but I can't get that kid just getting completely wiped out of the screen. He's just erased from history. Just housed. And that he's killed by a blackface man's sandwich launcher. So the second round goes to Tackleberry and Mad Dog, and at some point in the second round,

they throw Mad Dog out of the ring, and the announcer explains, he is going to another kennel. It is also flirting, taking, running the form. Uh-oh! Here comes the bill. And that's when all the shit goes down and gets pinned. I guess that's how you say all of that in Argentinian dialect of Spanish. The third round, Tackleberry and Mad Dog team up solely on DD Jackson while Apache Chief just watches like, I don't want to do this anymore. There was a lot of spitting from the crowd. Did you see that on the way to the ring everyone's spitting on each other? No, I didn't see that.

It was real fucked up. They're like they stopped to fight in the crowd a little bit and then they start spitting or maybe Pantamami spitting but I don't know, insane entrance. Tackleberry does a lot of spitting, definitely. I'm not sure Mad Dog physically can spit in that mass. No, he's definitely... all of his orifices are being sealed completely off. He's wearing the awful face of a much more deceased man. A much more deceased Mr. D. He is going to live the rest of his life with those lines on his face around his eyes and mouth of just...

He's gonna look like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall when he gets sucked out into Mars. It's the rest of his life. It's looking like a fucking squeezeball toy. So this match ends with Matt Dogg and Tackleberry beating Apache Chief and TD so hard they tie them all together in a giant man-knot? And this counts as a pin? Like they pin each other with each other's bodies?

I think it's a submission hold. Using one another as each other. Yeah, they're sort of straddling each other. Sure. The two, TD Jackson and Apache, sort of sat facing each other, kind of sat on each other's laps. It's like a sex scene in a David Cronenberg movie. There's some, there's some eroticism, there's some body horror.

Yeah, well, Tackleberry and Mad Dog grab their arms and just yank them as hard as they can. It's a, I have never seen this before. They do a move in this where one guy leapfrogs over the other guy to pelvic bomb another man's tummy. And I was like, that is a very strange move. And they did it again, as if like they knew, they knew I was like, what the fuck did I just see? They're like, yeah, okay, run it again. Let's show this guy what we're doing. It might even be after the match ends they do that. It's an incredible way to beat someone up. It's to flying cowgirl them.

Yes. After the match, Mad Dog just starts flipping the bird. The audience. Fuck you, children! Those of you left alive, fuck you. Fuck you to the survivors, says Tackleberry from Police Academy. I think the good guys win because of the disqualification, and then it ends with the good guys celebrating the worst possible ending. They won by being worse at fighting and waiting for the men beating them to be bad enough at cheating that they got caught.

And the children are like, you've rescued us Rambo, we love you Rambo! Just think, what the fuck am I looking at? No, that's the next one. It blurs together. Okay. Because there is one more match that... I don't think this one ends. This one's just such chaos.

I do think that the human body knot is the finish of the match. But they keep fighting afterwards, and General Warhawk just beats the crap out of Chief, who was bleeding from the nose. Yeah, he's bleeding the hard way. I just wrote in my notes this is very confusing, I think is what I wrote for this match. It's wildly confusing. The last match is fucking pure chaos. It's ostensibly Tackleberry versus Rambo.

So Rambo's finally shown up. He has not been in his own show since the beginning. Tackleberry comes out, again, he is immediately fighting the audience. And as we've established, this is very dangerous for the audience, even if it's fake. The announcer explains the maximum scene arrives. It's John Rambo. I love that he's the maximum scene. I want to see that. I want to see that on the VHS covers of Rambo movies. The maximum scene. And he's in the full goddamn terrifying Rambo mask. I agree it's maybe the

worst one because there's so much face. Like there's so much of it. And they do not care for these masks. Like, they must just leave them out in the sunlight. I don't know. I think they're taken from yesterday's wrestlers. The guy who did the worse in yesterday's show gets skinned alive. That terror, that fear that he died with gets forever enshrined in his terrible remains. Luchadori rules. Of course. Luchadori rules.

The announcer says, come here to give you a demonstration of good behavior from a fighting gentleman. That's the Rambo I know. That's how he introduces John Rambo. That's Sylvester Stallone. That says Sylvester Stallone to me. So Tackleberry and Rambo open up by doing the just trading punches traditional thing. And I love how the announcer puts it he explains you have to take arm parties. You have to you have to. That's what my dad said to me when he hit me.

I'll never not think of that exchange as taking arm parties. This is Rambo's show and he immediately just gets the shit kicked out of him in this match. I don't think he can see anything. I kept expecting there to be a turnaround, and he is just embarrassed. He can't sell anything because he can't see anything coming in, so he has to wait for the punch to hit him and then be like, arg, I have been hit by the punch. It's really bad. I think he does three moves, one after the other, and that's it for this whole match.

The rest of the time, Tackleberry and General Warhawk are both just harassing the crowd with, I think it's a scarf that Tackleberry was wearing, but he keeps just trying to whip the audience. He eventually starts whipping Rambo with it, just in pure humiliation. Rambo can do nothing. Even before they cheated and General Warhawk got in on it, Rambo was just getting shamed. In fact, the announcer explains, oh what a mother, what a shame. At one point, Rambo is face down on the floor, and General Warhawk just walks over him and stands on his back to get to the other side of the ring. This is the final match of whatever this season, this bout, this...

Who knows, but yeah, just John Rambo, the title character being absolutely just cucked by the referee. The referee and Tackleberry from Police Academy. Can't hit that hard enough. I have to keep reminding myself that this is Steve Guttenberg. No, this is... No, sorry, no, it's not. This is Tackleberry. Steve Guttenberg was a Robert Zadar maniac cop who was doing the Rodney Dangerfield

with the dog that was an expert in bones. I understand how you can get confused. This is, okay, so this is the match that ends in confusing wild chaos. So Rambo's basically dead outside of the ring and they've been mocking his corpse for a very long time. And then he suddenly stands up and Colonel Troutman runs in and they raise their arms in triumph as children run around them going, Rambo, of course, you've saved us. Meanwhile, if you look in the background, the villains, General Warhawk and Tackleberry are also holding their arms in triumph, but they have the belt, so they're the real winners.

And Rambo was just like, I win anyway! And the kids love it. It couldn't possibly mean less, and I just adore it. It's so good. There was so much fighting the audience in this match as well. We cannot overstate. It's one of those things that you forget to mention because it happens so often. I assume the listeners are always in the back of their head. They are also punching the audience during this time. The audience get a better showing than Rambo does in this map. They absolutely do. I love this implication of, especially, you probably didn't get the book, you maybe didn't

get much of the movie. You didn't get the cartoon, but you got the toy adaption of the cartoon and that became a huge hit and then you saw it in this show. So the only form of Tackleberry from Police Academy, you know, is like the most terrifying villain you have ever met. And so all Argentinian children are like go to bed at night cursing the name tackle Barry. I mean, he is a rogue cop carrying a cult Python. Like, I feel like you should you should fear tackle Barry. And with Maximall in the shell Does Frankfurt Podcast say? Correct Yes The craft is not trapped, it is not without Send it to the dog's den for an hour Come on, you know the number Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hunderd! Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt!

Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt!

Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Einstein, Hunderd, Frankfurt! Skeletor. Raised by wolves, they must now re-enter society with only the help of a manimal, a little person toy genius, and Hulk Hogan on a sentient speedboat. They are the Supremes. Aaron Crosston, Adrian H, Aiden Moac, Alex Nolenberg, all raised by wolves. Alpha Scientist Javo. Unandy. Armando Nava was raised by wolves. Rich Wolves. Bim Talzin. Brandon Garlok.

Brian Saler. Burrito, all wolf kids, everyone. Seryl. Chase. Cheddar Wolf is one of the wolves who keeps raising these damn kids. Clementine Danger. Common Sense was orphaned by a Skeletor and has vowed revenge on all skeletons.

All skeletons. Craig Lemoine. Quavis. Dan B was raised by sentient speedboats who have sadly passed. Vroom vroom, Dan B! That means I'm sorry for your loss in speedboat. Daniel Sloan, Devin the Rogue Supreme, David Shull, Dean Costello was raised by wolves and violently destroys all clothing unless it's from his natural prey animal, the silkworm. animal, the silkworm. Delta Foxtrot. Doug Redmond is raising wolves. That's... get out of here Doug Redmond. Drayson. Dusty's Rad title. Eric Rion. Every Zig was raised

by coyotes and is frequently a victim of wolf racism. Fancy Shark. Gareth is a little toy genius. For the government. Nice try narc genius. Get out of here. Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his hot witches. Greg Cunningham. Hambone. Haraka. All feral wolf children. It's a real societal problem. Harvey Penguini. Honk. Javer Al Aiden is howling. It sounds sad. Wait, that's not sadness. It's party. It's party, Wolf, everybody.

James Boyd. Jared Mountainman. Jeff Horaski. Jim Salter was raised by snakes, watch him slither, John D, John McCammon, John Minkoff, Joseph Surrows, pretty much the whole J section all wolf kids, Josh S, Joshua Graves, Justin B was raised by ants and now with the speed and strength of an ant he faces a lot of difficulty in day-to-day life. Ken Paisley, K&M, Kumutus, Kyle Campbell. Lane Haygood is a wolf child psychologist here to do some

potting training. Thank fucking God you're here, Lane Haygood. This place, I think it's everyone's territory. Lisa. Lucas Keen is out of control on pure distilled hulkster scent. It's banned in 92 countries and for good reason. M. Jahi Chappelle. Mark Mahoney. Matt Riley.

Max Perroy is a sentient speedboat who kills Skeletors. Not so fun now, is it, Skeletors? Michael Dillon Michael Lair Mickey Loman Mike Stiles Moju Mort was raised by wolves. Hot Wolves What? She's a whelp, Mort, that's all I'm saying. Mr. Bob Gray, N.D., Neil Bailey, Neil Schaeffer, Neku104,

Ornry Weevil was raised by feral toy geniuses and only speaks the language of exploding pterodactyls. Ozzy Olin, Patrick Herbst, Rachel, Rhiannon, Sarkovsky, Sean Shates, Spotty Reception, Static Dust is an adoptive wolf parent taking in unwanted human children and teaching them to bite and snarl. We've got Mother's Day, we've got Father's Day, where's Wolf Day cowards? Super Knot, Ted H, Thomas Kavatsos, Timmy Leahy, Toasty God was raised by wolves and still speaks fluent wolf to this day. If things go south next election, that wolf passport is gonna come in handy. Tommy G, Velo, Booster can turn into any animal but it hurts.

So much don't ask her. Waylon Russell. Zack and Ava. Benjamin Sironin. Boy. Hulk. Boy. Little Person Toy Genius. Boy. Sentient Speedboat.

Boy. Skeletor. Ah, he's not getting it. Let's send him to live with the Navajo everybody.