The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 181, Playing it Straight with Lydia Bugg

Episode Date: June 26, 2024

Seanbaby invites Brockway and guest, Lydia Bugg, onto the ol' podcast ranch to watch Playing It Straight, the 2000s reality show about hunting gay people for sport. That's really what it's about! It was a lawless era!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900hotdog.com. We are the final website. We pay talented human comedy writers to roast and arrange things every weekday. Our business model is the only one left that works. We ignore marketing and advertising and ask readers to subscribe right now. Go to patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. We're the best.

Do it! I am ZanyWeb pioneer Sean Baby and my co-host is Gene Buster Magazine's runner-up for Wow Honk in March 2002, the great Robert Brockway! Here's a Brockway fact. I'm straight. But no follow-up questions. Our guest is a longtime Weekly Columnist for the Hugh Moore website, 1900hotdog. Everyone listening, give a flirt squirt for local favorite Lydia Bug.

It's been a long time since I could say this. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me. We knew you'd love it. Should we plug something before we get into our dream podcast? Where can people find more of you? Yeah, you can find me on TikTok at unolidia. All social media at Unolidia. I made it easy. And I also want to use my plug time to plug Jason Pargin's book, I'm Starting to Worry

About This Black Box of Doom, which I just finished reading. Oh, me too. It rules, right? Yeah, it's really good. It's so good and weirdly positive for him, at like the end. Yeah. It is. Yeah, I always find his books like weirdly positive for him at like the end. Yeah. Yeah, I always find his books like weirdly hopeful for the future.

I very much do. I even like find the Zoe books to be hopeful to me. Because it's like a lot of people are like, oh, the world's going to end. And it's like, no, it's going to be the same kind of worse later. And I'm like, oh, that's comforting. That's terrible. Oh, no, that's much worse to me. Interesting take. I agree with you and I think it's worse. Yeah, it's not good. Yeah, at least two of the characters in Jason's new book are much better at

crisis management than me and I was like, I think I'm learning from this book. Yeah, I think I learned from it too. That sucks. I hate when adults teach me things. Yeah, Jason's the most adult of all of us and he's teaching us through the books. Yeah. And he makes dick jokes in our work Discord all day. Very good book and if you have anxiety, I think great for you in general. Now, pre-orders are so important for an author. I agree, they shouldn't be. I know what you're saying. They should not be. I don't't wanna order a book that I haven't read yet and can't read for many months.

But for whatever reason, the industry has decided that your book does not succeed unless it pre-succeeds. So order it or it won't exist, basically. And if you're a podcaster listening, plug Jason Pargin's book, because it will save him a lot of time. He's got a very busy podcast schedule coming up. If you could have him not come on your podcast but then also plug his book, that would actually really free up his day. Yeah, then he can come on our podcast and

talk about like Gorilla Cox, which is his true passion in life. That's the ideal, yeah. Hey, speaking of, before we get too derailed, I do want to talk about Flirt Squirts. Before we get too derailed, I do want to talk about FlirtSquirts. Wow, that was a long time ago! Are you just now ruminating on that? Well somebody in the Discord pointed out that using tools that we have never even attempted to use, they analyzed our SEO results and found out that the only one doing really good out of all of the things we've covered is flirt squirts, probably not for

amazing the reasons we want them to be. I love that. By a factor of like, a thousand to one, like the spike is enormous. And then nothing else, because we don't we don't fill out SEO shit. There's a little SEO box at the bottom of our CMS that I have never used, and will never use. So I'm just like naturally holistically SEO-ing for you. Yep. Thank you. The only SEO that we have ever done is by accident and it's flirt squirts. Good job, Lydia.

That's fucking incredible. I'm going to name my next article, clown ministry skits for all seasons, pee on my stepsister and I think I'm'm gonna crush your flirt squirts. Yep. That's the secret. We cracked it. Everybody's turned into AI. We just got to turn to perverts.

Yep. Perverts and AI. Hey, perverts have money and we'll spend it. We can corner the pervert market. I'm good. I'll go with it. We just need one really wealthy pervert Patreon. And oh wait, you know what?

We're turning into OnlyFans. We'll just sit on cupcakes all day. That'll be our thing. That's the dream. That's the end thing of hot dog. That's what we've been wanting to do. Still not a deal breaker. Today we're talking about a nightmare born

from early 2000s reality TV. It's called Playing It Straight. And straight means what you're worried it means. This is a bachelorette where the contestant has to find the secret gaze. I worry that the reflexive defensive part of the human brain of everybody listening just went, ah, he's exaggerating that. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. What is the prize? You have to say up top what the prize is because that's the craziest part to me. It is a no bullshit prize. You win a million dollars. A million fucking dollars. Out of all of these shows, there have been shows with a hundred times this production value. They really put all of their budget into this prize. That's crazy.

Exactly. Somebody's going to get fucking killed over this. It would be 10k if they did that today. Like, it would be— It would be 10K if they did that today. Like it would be- It would be nothing. You win the woman. Yeah. You get laid.

That's your prize. You touch a woman for the first time. So, okay. I guess we'll establish all the rules. First, I want to play the intro. It has the greatest intro. Attention viewers. The male contestants in this program may be lying

or misrepresenting themselves at all times, including in their interviews. All of my favorite shows start out with a warning klaxon about sexual fraud. I also like that, hey, these guys might be lying like, oh my god, TV show, are you sitting down? It's fucking incredible. I thought you meant the theme song, because I actually thought the theme song was really catchy and good.

I have that. I pulled that as well. There are three different intros. There's that, which basically shakes your values to the core, can you believe people are going to be lying on the reality show? And then they play the super cut, and they play this at the start of every episode,

as far as I know. They play this at the start of every episode as far as I know. This sweet innocent Midwestern girl named Jackie is about to meet 14 men. She thinks she's going to find true love. But not all of the guys are here for romance. Some of them are gay. Actual record scratch. They're what? of the guys are here for romance some of them actual record scratch there what so it's there's a definite possibility it's my legs have some

people you know that's true baking a cheesecake as being gay I am a straight man everybody's gave me he's like the biggest flame record scratch picking a straight guy she and he will each win half a million dollars But if she falls for a gay guy, he will win the whole million and she will walk away with nothing Every little thing I analyze that they do I don't think a gay man You wonder what's sitting or standing She's trying to sniff out the gay guys. What are your feminine qualities?

I'm not gay. We're here for the money. I mean, we're all out for blood. And I don't know which one of you is starting to spread little rumors or whatever. That's a little bit much, I think. I'm going to bust your head open. That's it.

It ain't over. Come on, run. Run. Run. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Is that your shoulder? No, bro. It ain't over. Come on, she's fine. She's fine. Oh! Oh. Oh. Is that your shoulder? No. My heart broke. So in the end, will Jackie find true love? Or will she fall for a gay guy who will win the whole million while she ends up with nothing but a broken heart?

It's not like they're in it for the love. I mean, they're gay. I have to know if you're gay or if you're straight. Incredible. Now, this was 2004, which sounds recent, but it was 11 years before every state allowed gay marriage. And I want to give some context of the era for the younger listeners, and just so everyone can calibrate my understanding of the rules. I'd say in civil society, it was still very much okay in 2004 to use gay slurs for jokes, but absolutely not when anyone involved was gay.

So you could say ice skating, for instance, was gay, but not if the man doing it was. And here's what's important, the consequences for breaking these rules was nothing. So when that guy says the other dude is a flamer, that was hate speech at the time, but TV producers were like, fuck yeah, bigot guy is the best, he's the funny one. Yeah, I was shocked by that. I was like, how much are they gonna go into these guys being homophobic to each other? And it was like, oh, immediately, right away. A lot, yeah. I misunderstood based on just when you told me about it. I thought, I thought,

it's terrible, it's problem ag, we shouldn't have done it, whatever, the 2000s, everything was. I thought it was gonna be slightly more fun than this because stupid me, I did not think like, oh, all of the straight guys, quote unquote, are going to strategize how to find and hunt down the secret homosexuals. Whoops! That's not good. No. Yeah. Well, and I think there's a version of this show that actually is 10 times more fun, which is where you get to see the guys who are gay kind of laughing at the straight guys

in their confessionals. That's so much better. How dare they deny me like bitchy little comments from men who are just like having the time of their lives watching these straight men go insane. That would be fun. There's a lot of fun ways to do this. It's you're not allowed to do any of them, but you could have more fun than what the show did, which was a witch hunt. Yes, it was a witch hunt. It was a lot of insecurity. There's another thing that happened where at the time you'd sort of use gay as an insult, again, not for a real gay person, but like if someone was,

you know, whining or something. But, and what that what happened is that got incorporated into the witch hunt. So as guys disliked other guys more and more, they became more and more gay. They're like, that guy's definitely gay because I hate him. And, and that, like, I don't even know if they knew they were doing it. But like, that really infected their detective work. Yeah, it's bad. And the prize money being so high, like I never stopped to think about it until this show when they said it's a million dollars.

And this is this is in early 2000s money when that meant something. So that's enough. Even today, you can like buy a house with a million dollars, you know, like, of course, the stakes are way too high. It's way too high. And also in a prime era of homophobia, and then having all of these very insecure men try to haunt each other out for the stakes of a million dollars, like that, that is battle royale. That's Lord of the Flies. That's how you make that. We were forbidden from

looking up anything about this. We're going into this cold just watching the first two episodes, and then we're gonna research and figure out what happened afterwards. I jokingly said- Because it was bad, we know it's bad. Yeah, I jokingly said when I found that out, like, okay, I'm gonna find the murderer because there was a murderer in the last one.

I am positive after finding the stakes, there's a murderer involved in this. There's a murderer, yeah. Something horrible has happened. Again, we don't know anything about this show. The one thing I know is it got canceled after three episodes, and then they re-aired these full eight episodes later. But people did not like the show.

And I don't think it had anything to do with the, I guess, acceptance of the gay community at the time. I think this would have been a fine show for that era. It's just not a very good show. Yeah. For all the reasons we've already mentioned and stuff we'll get into. One thing that didn't fail at was the theme song because there's an intro, the supercut, and then they play the theme song. Some then go rest Said we've come a-woo And Jackie will submit to any test

Oh, they came to Sizzle and Saddle's But the thing she didn't know Some of these old rugged riders Like a different rodeo If Jackie wants to find a mate She's gotta figure out who's playing in his train Incredible. We should have mentioned by now it is a country western theme. Sizzling Saddles, I think, is a dude ranch that they filmed this on.

Yeah, and if you were confused why did a dog bark there, the dog's name is Gaydar? There can't be good implications for that. My dog can sniff out gays. And then what happens? Yeah, what do you do then with that rifle you're holding? And the dog, what does the dog do, sir? I think it's so wild too that they went Western themed with the whole thing. They're trying to define straight culture and what they came up with was cowboys.

It's so good. All these rugged little cowboys, little handsome boys. Some of them are gay. It's extra funny. I think this is no notes here. Keep the cowboy theme. It was one of the few great decisions because they give them all of these rugged tasks to go do. And all of them are very

gay. And they don't, none of them realize it. They're just from the city. They just took like 15 New Yorkers and put them in the country. And yeah, they can't like milk cows. And everybody's like, wow, that's gay. I want to talk about the deception already at the start. Here we have these 14 men all dressed up like little cowboys and then they reveal to them, hey, some of you are gay. Now already they're lying to us because if you signed up to be part of a dating show and you were a gay man and they said, put on this little cowboy. And then you go to the show like you've been there 20 minutes.

You are already starting to plant your seeds. And I mean, I don't that sounds like a pun or something. But what I mean is like you're you're making moves already, right? Like, hey, other 13 gay men, let's fuck is is going to be the vibe of that. But they know that they know what the deal is. So they're like, hi, I am a straight cowboy like you, sir. And so then they reveal, hey, some of you are gay. And they're like, what, huh?

And all these reaction shots are so fake. They're taken from different times of the day. And also like, what is the appropriate way to respond here? Like, when your reaction shot is like, I don't know, like I better pretend that was a surprise or gay. Why some of them are kind of play like, what does that even mean? Gay? You mean like, wait, do you mean like medical homosexual? What? One of them actually asks that one of them is like, Oh, can you define gay? You mean hand stuff because like we all went to summer camp.

Yeah, I was like, if you have to ask, I think we've found one. Like, that was two. It was like he was pretending to have amnesia. Yeah, it's fantastic. One guy asks how many gays there are and the host says, I have no idea, which is a great question. And it was in this moment where I realized my biggest note for the show is make all of them gay. Like that's the idea of the show is make all of them gay. Like, that's

the idea of the show is that you have 14 gay men all pretending to be straight. See, mine was make none of them gay. That's almost like they're all looking for... That works too. See, yeah, but yours ends in way more murder. That's true, yeah. See, I think that is the twist of the show. I'm going to guess that now because I saw every one of these guys and I do think they are all gay. If they weren't gay going into this show, they are coming out of it. I don't disagree with that.

There was no one I wasn't suspicious of. I was like, yeah, any one of them, I would be like, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, because some of them had so much insecurity about it that it seemed performative. I'm like, this is a gay guy pretending to be a straight guy afraid of being gay. And they're all doing that. But I guess that's because it's impossible to figure out who was also doing that sincerely as a straight man in the 2000s. So like, you forget. You forget how that is. And then you're like, oh, well, a straight guy wouldn't be just like, what? The gays? I'm not one of the gays. I'll kill everybody here. You're like, no, that's too much.

I do think it would be funny if they were all, if it was just a dozen gay men all pretending to be straight for no one's benefit. Yes, that's the show I want to watch. And then they get a million dollars. I guess I'm just describing my high school wrestling team. Well, and like what show do you think she was on? Like, what are they telling her if she doesn't know? Cowboy Gangbang.

The show, she just thinks she's on like Jackie's Great and they're all just there like a bachelor type thing? She thought she was doing like Cowboy Bachelorette. She just, she was like, oh Great and they're all just there like a bachelor type thing? Yeah. She thought she was doing cowboy bachelorette. She was like, oh, you're doing a bachelorette knockoff? Fine. Why not? Oh, you would have to be so disappointed. She must have been so pissed. There's no way she didn't know. I'm going to say she was disappointed and I'm going to say she's probably used to

that. She just looks used to that. She's a very, she's the least interesting part of this show, for sure. I agree completely. She's very conventionally pretty, seems like, I don't know, like a walking toll painting of a woman, like a walking God love guns lacquered plaque. Oh, yeah. Like she's a Republican for sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She does not like gay people. You really get the sense that like, she's at least never interacted with them. Probably wishes that they could ask God to make them normal. You know what I mean? Like, but anyway, they explained to everyone that the rules, that there's a million dollars

if Jackie falls for a straight guy, they split the million dollars if she falls for a gay guy. He gets all the million. They call, I think they call this the gay prisoner's dilemma, but I'm too insecure in my sexuality to Google that. We learned who Jackie is. I guess I just described her. No one would add more details to Jackie's story than we've already said. So now I guess let's go through and meet the guys.

We're going to get very confused here because they're all white and 30ish. Well, some of them aren't. There's a couple Latino men, but no one would ever confuse them because one of them is, I mean, a 10 out of 10 hunk, and the other one is just objectively gay. Okay, well, let's start because that's Eddie. Eddie, I think, was also the one who asked, like, what does Webster's dictionary define a homosexual ads when you're like, oh, buddy, come on.

And I swear he was like, someone hears gay, and then he said it in like a deeper voice, like someone hears gay. Someone's gay, which, is it one of the handsome handsome ones i hope it's one of the handsome ones they were doing uh like a uh roll call through all the guys to get their reactions to like how uncomfortable are you as a straight man having to share a house with gay men potentially and they cut to eddie and he goes i know they're not going to come up and then he does a dracula voice and he goes i'm going to prey on you they're not going to do that yeah amazing does a Dracula voice and he goes, I'm gonna prey on you. They're not gonna do that. Yeah, amazing.

The Dracula voice for the gays? Eddie? Is that your gay voice? In my notes, I wrote down that they were off on a lot of stereotypes. Like it really felt like 2004 was finding what we agreed upon for gay stereotypes. For sure she was. Yeah, she had no idea. Although, you know what? The cape? Yeah, gay icon. I'll give it to him. Yeah, I can no idea. Although you know what? The cape? Yeah, gay icon. I'll give it to him.

Yeah, I can see it. I can see it. I mean, he's at least bisexual, but on this show, bisexuality does not exist. True. I don't think it did in 2004. I think that was just what you transitioned through on your way to full gay. Yeah, no such thing. It was recently invented, which is crazy.

Yes. I think all of these men invented that in this house by the end of this show. I think that's where we got it. The LGBT community owes so much to this terrible homophobic show. Brockway mentioned that he had this thing about like, you know, when you're changing clothes, the gays are going to come up and pre-up on your blah. But this did actually ring like authentic ignorance to me. So when I first saw Eddie, I'm like, hmm. I put him down and straight.

Then later he got stuck in the pink room and he was like, oh, they're gonna think I'm gay because I got stuck in the pink room. And I was like, maybe, maybe he's gay. Too much. Because he was standing in a pink room. But yeah, also it felt, it started to feel performative at that point.

I'm like, I don't know, man. I like how much this made everybody involved in the show start questioning what is or is not gay Yes, like every little thing. There's just an item nearby and they're like fuck is that gay? Jesus I looked right at that painting. Gays love paintings. Fuck. God. What if someone saw me? Is owning a hairdryer gay? Because we've decided that- This is what I'm talking about. This was so important, a pivotal point of the very first episode, is owning a hairdryer gay? And I think I own a hairdryer, and I use it to dry my dog, who is super gay.

So yes. Mm-hmm. The story you're telling me sounds very gay. If those are the only details I know, gay. Absolutely. I have to give it to him. It made me reconsider. I was thinking, because my husband has very long hair but never uses a hairdryer. And I was like, is it gay? All straight men are just wet. They're just

wet all the time. Just going around with wet hair. I cannot stress enough how much that hairdryer drama resonated through the entire show. They must have mentioned it, I didn't count, but I want to say 16 times. Yeah. The whole episode, like you can tell in reality TV when they hit the thing that the crux of the episode is going to swing upon. And it was Bradley, one of the men, loaning Jackie his hairdryer when she asked. And he says he immediately knew.

He's like, oh, Jesus, what did I do? Oh, fuck. He knew. I fucked up. That's such a gay hairdryer. It makes me so happy how stupid it was. Do you guys ever play Werewolf or Mafia or any of those games or Secret Hitler or that kind of thing?

So this felt like that when it's early in the game, you just fucking pick a person at random like, you're Hitler. They're like, why? You're like, I didn't like how you combed your hair today. You know, you're like, you don't really have anything to go on yet. You kind of just want to jacuz and see what happens. And so I feel like we're getting that here early in the, because nobody's done anything gay, right? That hairdryer thing crippled all of the men because they went through one guy like later says I think they used it in the opening or he's like I

Sometimes make cheesecakes. That's gay. Yeah. Yeah, is it all things that are like enjoyable in life? They're like I I've seen art before I know that's gay like I cook I'm so sorry like apologizing for it like somebody said I like to look good I can cook. I'm so sorry. They're apologizing for it. Somebody said I like to look good. Yes. Yeah, a lot of them brought up fashion. I want to go through the roll call. The first guy they introduce is Gust. Amazing name, very gay name. Real estate agent. And the producers really wanted us to think he's gay because they cut to him and

he's like coquettishly reclining by a tree. And he's like, oh gosh, I was like, oh, I hate that these guys are gay. And you're like, okay. I knew he was straight because the show was laying on too thick. He admits later he thought about doing hair as a career, but he says it like a gargoyle that came to life. Like he's just so impish that I'm like, he could be gay, but he's definitely a murderer. Yeah, Gus is one of the murderers for sure. But again, we're not allowed to look anything up. If he's really a murderer, maybe we'll come back and. But again, we're not allowed to look anything up if he's really a murderer. Maybe we'll come back and edit the podcast so we're not so gleeful. But I'm 100% sure that he's killed somebody.

No, no, we got to be maximum gleeful now so that when we do find out in the next podcast all of the all of the awfulness is sincere, all of the just regrets. That's true. Yes, they can hear. The audience loves to hear. They want to hear the regret. Yeah. Number one thing in podcasts. People love regret

and that's why we're doing this show. Is regret gay? It is so gay. God damn it, I knew it. The next guy is John, he's a bartender. He admits he doesn't know how to react to having gay men around him. He's just like, well, I don't even know what you do.

Like his logic is that he doesn't know if someone's watching, like just like lusting after him as he goes about his bartending duties. Cause it seems like he's confronted with the concept of the male gaze, like right here in this very moment and, um, no idea how to explain it or communicate it. And I was like, that seems authentically straight. Like he's in this moment, considering what, you know, sexual objects have to go through.

Yeah. He's the kind of guy who would say, did you look at my butt? Yeah. And like, that would be a very shocking thing for him. He would need to process that for a very long time. I'm not saying he's not gonna get laid on the show. I'm just saying that he's gonna go back to women when he gets home.

I think he's straight, is my point. There's a guy named Lewis, kind of looks like Scott Aukerman, is how I remember him. He's a brokerage firm manager. And now he's explaining that everybody's watching for signs of gay. It seems inconclusive. I thought he was probably straight because he did spend like 40 seconds trying to explain the very concept of gaydar as if he just realized that was a thing people could have. Or are we playing? We're gonna end up playing the game, huh? I was trying not to play it because I all of them I was like, I think all of these men are gay. That's that is my conclusion to if we're playing the game Okay, I think they're all yeah

I was I had it all listed out so we could kind of go through and play the game But I I think you're probably right it's it's so hard to tell because I think some of them are very canny gay men pretending to be insecure straight men in a way that is I'm sure very easy for them to pretend to do because I mean if this was they grew up in the 90s they would have probably been closeted for a bit it's pretty it was pretty common. This would be so much harder today and outside of Texas. Yes. Yeah. Where people are just like yeah whatever I don't care. Some of these people are gay? Okay, cool.

That's more Jackie for me. Both the gay and the straight men know that what they have to do immediately when faced with this problem is be like, I hate whites. Get them away from me. Yeah. Like they both know that and start doing that. So you're like, okay. I agree.

I feel like a million dollars you would just be like, well, I'll just be a bigot on TV for a million dollars. That's not that big a deal. Several of them are. Yup. Well, and there are some people that are just like, you can tell, are like, okay, what are straight men like? They're terrible. Okay, I'm just going to be a terrible person. Yeah.

And then that, I'll win. That's accurate. It's, it does work a little bit. Yeah. That's the thing that throws me off the most. Like, oh, shit. No, he's trying to be too terrible. Yeah, well, in Jackie, of course, like, this midwestern Republican girl is like, okay, that guy is terrible. Definitely straight.

Like, this is- this reminds me of all my exes, yes, I like him. Her number one thing, she has no idea. She's clearly never had a gay man in her life. Her whole, like, process of judgment is, oh, he didn't seem that into me, he must be gay. had a gay man in her life, her whole process of judgment is, oh, he didn't seem that into me, he must be gay. That's not a bad way to do it, I would think. But I think you're wrong. I think her process is, I'm going to take

the cartoonish things I learned from like the half a time I watched Birdcage when it was on cable and like, I'm gonna take those stereotypes and apply them to these men. And if they have those, I'm gonna accuse them of being gay. Yeah, I mean, it seemed like she wasn't even trying at first, like it was just so awkward to her, like, maybe she hadn't thought about what it was gonna be like to ask men if they're gay on television. That was awkward. The first time she accused a guy of being gay, it was like,

oh my god, I don't think anyone's ever done it like this. Yeah. And then you have to say, like, again, the show would be more fun if the guy just left and was like, oh my God, I don't think anyone's ever done it like this. Yeah. And then you have to say, like, again, the show would be more fun if the guy just left and was like, wonder, be haunted, goodbye. Yeah, that would have been excellent. But kind of a gay thing to do. That's very theatrical. Oh, yeah, I was like, he like swirled out in a big cloud of smoke and was like, be haunted.

I think we will never know. You'll never know if I'm gay! Learning some things about myself. Ha ha ha ha. Hair dryer, theatricality. I have a lot of regret. I own a hairdryer. Specifically the phrase be haunted is still is really-

Be haunted, yeah, I like that. So we meet Ryan, we meet Bill. I was like, these guys seem kind of straight, but like- It's so hard to tell these guys. It's so hard to tell. Then comes Luciano. And I think Luciano is the star of the show. He's a personal trainer. He's like an Antonio Sabato Jr., but I also wrote down Golden Age Shazam, which is a type of gay icon, but not a gay. He's also like a hunk Jose Conceco. Yeah, there it is.

A ho-gay Conceco or maybe a Jose con geco. We'd have to check with Jose Konseko's childhood bullies to know for sure, but now that I'm saying that, there's no way Jose Konseko wasn't like the head bully. No one has called him Ho gay Konseko. He wouldn't even answer to it. He wouldn't even know. He's like, oh, somebody else here

has the last name Konseko. I'm gonna beat the hell out of that guy. Where was I? Luciano, yes, he knows the effect he has on women and men. Has no trouble with it. Chackie just turns into an idiot the second- Oh my god. The second he comes on, she just doesn't make any- she swallows all of her words.

She just starts touching his face like she's gone blind. Like, what is face? She's just rubbing on his anal glands. Just fucking rub your- get your scent on me, Luciano! She just keeps saying, that man is gorgeous. That man is gorgeous. Like do you know, any other thoughts about him? No, her brain gone.

No. Brain shut down. Beautiful, she calls him beautiful as well. Yeah, beautiful. It's here where I realized that if you took the emotional stakes and the bigotry out of the show, a show about trying to pick the gays would be pretty fun. Like I get why this show got greenlit.

In hindsight, it's terrible, but if this was just like 12 dudes and it was a quick game show and they all came out and talked for 40 seconds and you're like, that one, that one, that one are gay, that would be, I think, a fun show to watch or to be a part of. Especially if they were all gay

and then they won a million dollars and the woman got nothing. Yes. That would be amazing. Also, you could tell that Jackie will be emotionally destroyed when anything happens to her. Like when they say, hey, some of these guys are gay, that fucks her up for the rest of the day. Like she can't talk or think. She's just crying hysterically. Some people are gay. She cut to her weeping. You met 14 guys. They're all dressed like cowboys, somebody told you some

of them are gay, and you're gonna cry about it? This is the rest of your life, every time you meet 14 cowboys, lady. That's true. More than zero of them are gay. More than zero, statistically. And it's weird to figure out watching this, at some point I realized, at the time, I think they were advertising this as if they're doing like social justice with This show like they're showing you that you can't really tell. Yeah. Yeah

That's it's not how the producers lived with themselves. Yes, not at all Accurate no, it is very much not but then they have her crying when she realizes that game it exists So it's like I don't know if I'm being super generous It might be because of the betrayal like they've betrayed me that some of these men are not valid suitors and also they're trying to trick me out of One half a million dollars. That's true. That's that's a very aggressive thing. Like okay instead of dating now Somebody's trying to steal your money Now there's there's a gay annoyed in the house and you've got to catch him. It's a very different show.

Let's do a quick rundown of the very last guys and then we'll get started on the show. There's a guy named Chris. He's a retired entrepreneur. In my notes, it says, what? He got fired from being a door-to-door salesman, I guess. That is several ways to say, I cannot legally tell you what I do for a living. Right. Yeah, I used to deal weed or I was a dentist and got disgraced. It doesn't matter. It means nothing.

He's like a bud Bundy. He's the one who explains that one of the monkey wrenches they threw at them is there's a bed that's for two of them. There's not enough beds. It's just like a punishment, I guess, for the losers of musical chairs. But it's also, I think, maybe a temptation to see if two of the gays will just throw away a shot of a million dollars to fuck some attention whore on TV maybe. I just love this. Throw a double bed in there, just to see what happens.

And it does make everyone very insecure. That's when it elevates into like, okay, you are trying to provoke 2000s violence. Two guys ended up flipping a coin and the guy, Bill, who is a total dick, like, did the coin flip? I think he cheated. Did you guys see this? Did he like? Yeah, I didn't see that he cheated. No, that's hilarious. Yeah, the guy called heads and he flipped the coin onto his hand, took a quick peek at it and then covered it and then he's like, okay, heads and then he flipped it over and he's like, oh, wow, it's tails. I guess I get the bed.

Did that right in front of him though. Like that's right in front of him. If that works on you, you deserve what you get out of life. You deserve what you get. He looked at it and he decided like, okay, that's the flipped coin. Then you look at it and you flip it over and then show it to the guy and go, you lose. If you're like, oh, sounds fair, walk away. Your life is, the rest of your life is real tough.

That guy's given all of his money to MLMs. Next we had Lee and he thinks baking a cheesecake is gay. You heard him in the super cut. He's wearing an intramural basketball T-shirt, which seems way too straight. Like you don't wear your old gym shirt to the reality show about fucking. I think this is a definite disguise by a gay guy who knew what the deal was before he got here. All cake is gay. I'm just going to say it. All cake. Wait. That's true.

No, German chocolate cake is probably straight. I think carrot cake is the straightest cake. See, I think that's the gayest cake. That's hippie gay. Yeah. That cake is a lesbian. Yep. That's what it is. There's a guy named cake. That's hippie gay. Yeah. That cake is a lesbian. Yep, that's what it is. There's a guy named Banks. He's a software consultant. He looks like Homelander. They all look like Homelander.

Like I don't know how you're telling these men apart. They are all blocks of cream cheese. Yep. The idea that like we're supposed to be able to tell these guys, because there's two guys, I think it's Banks and Bradley who like have hairlines that start at their forehead. Because at first I saw one, I'm like, oh cool. That's the guy with the three head. I'll recognize him. And then they had a second guy with the same hairline.

His name starts with B. Yeah, it's fucking bullshit. Jackie's gotta be even worse. She like only has eyes for Luciano and all these other guys look exactly the same. I will agree with that statement though. About the hairlines? No, about Luciano.

Like he's the only one. You just watch him. You're like, what are you doing? The other guys stand up and give speeches like, hi, Jackie. It's a real pleasure to be here. I want to learn to get to know you better. And she's just like, uh-huh, keep it moving. Keep it moving.

You know who I'm going for. But yeah, Banks explains how he shaves his arms and legs. But that's way later in the show. Here he's like, yeah, I like plants and landscaping. So maybe that makes me a little gay. And I'm like, it's suspicious you didn't talk about your arms and legs being completely shorn. That seems like the first thing you bring up. Are you a runner? Are you a swimmer or something?

What's the deal there, man? What is it? Just cuz? I need to know. It's just cuz. Are plants gay? Is the outside gay? Valid questions this show has brought up. All cake, plants. All cake, plants, are plants gay? Is the outside gay? Valid questions this show has brought up. All cake, plants. All cake.

Got to be plants. Definitely hair dryers. Maybe hair. Having hair, not having hair. Wanting to look good. Yep. Oh, the next guy is named Sharif. He looks like if Adam Sandler had an untalented brother.

Uh, he talks about how he does modeling and he has a bunch of nice clothes. He dresses well. He's got a pretty good sense of fashion. This is like what I wrote down as he talked. He is wearing a graphic tee with a necklace that he got when his frat went to Cabo. And so I'm very straight. Like no gay guy could deliver this performance

without laughing. No gay guy is gonna be like, I love fashion in what he's wearing without laughing. If he does turn out, if we're wrong on that one, just masterfully played sir. Master, brilliant act. Yeah, I guess that's the other thing about the gays. They love to act. Oh my god. So they could be very deceptive. Next guy's Chad. He's in a full cowboy hat. He does know some

things about art. So like, you know, keep an eye on him. Which again, I just don't think early 2000s straight people understood LGBT communities. So we just decided all fine culture was gay, including cake and landscaping, of course. Maybe it was Frasier that did this. I don't know. But Frasier is straight. Yes, he is in the text of the show. But I feel like when you're watching that in the 2000s as a straight man, you're like, this Frasier guy is a gay character they've made straight.

I just feel like all these guys are thinking about Frasier when they're listening to gay stereotypes is my point. The gay men who wanted to pretend to be straight men, wait, gay men pretend to be straight men, maybe being a little bit gay, they're going by Frasier. They're going for Frasier. We call those Frasiers. That's what we called them back in the 2000s. It was a slur. We're not allowed to use it anymore. We apologize to any Frasiers listening or metrosexuals, whatever you go by.

It's like, you know, there's bears and otters and Frasiers. Frasiers are fully shaved. Within the last 20 minutes, they go in real slick. Bradley is the next guy we meet. He says, yeah, they might think I'm gay because I'm not an athletic kind of person, which is great because he thinks he's going to get busted for being gay by running a bad post route or whatever. He's the first guy to meet Jackie and she, I think, senses the gay on him. She calls him adorable for his bad athleticism.

Because they all make him walk up on a horse, which is a pretty specialized skill. You kind of look like an asshole your first day on a horse. And so they all have to like hop off and be like, yep, here I am awkwardly getting off the horse for the first time. And like, are horses not gay? Like, I feel like horses are gay. It's got us questioning everything. Ryan comes up next and he says, I forgot my lasso. And I'm like, very straight. Like, this is a, this guy's making fun of gays, which I don't think a genuine gay person does. Spoiler alert, he is. Which is a bold strategy.

That's what I liked about this guy is he seemed comfortable enough in his sexuality. He's like, yeah, I'm going to fuck around like, like a normal person here. I'm not going to act all deceptive and weird see I thought immediately he was gay because uh as soon as they were done meeting he was talking to another guy about Jackie and he's like I like us I like a woman with a muscular leg and a strong calf I thought it was too confident in his sexuality the guy who's like I sure like her titties. I'm like, that guy's gay.

Yeah. Fucking that one right there. Well, then Brian jumped in and agreed. Then he's like, and her strong calves. Am I right, guys? Ha ha ha. That could have been him setting traps. I agree when I first saw him, I'm like,

what little gaydar I have pinged. But then he started talking. I'm like, no. No, this guy is having fun. He's the only guy that kind of understood You need a personality on this show No He reminded me of this guy when I worked at Applebee's that I thought was gay and then I found out he was having

Sex with like all of the other waitresses that were working there like all of them And I like that that was a weird vibe that Ryan also had and his eyebrows were over plucked So I was like, I don't know if that's like, gay or if that's like straight. And so like, very nervous, personal grooming, you know, I do think Ryan is the murder much like he was on making lots of murder. All Ryan's are murderers. And this is definitely a murder. He's he's a very bad person. He's terrifying, yeah. I took some notes of how they met her, but then I decided to throw them all out because they were trying to shake her hand

and then transition into hand kisses and kiss her cheek. They're doing all that kind of desperate, whatever they can do to get their hands and mouth on this woman in that reality show dating type of way. But I also feel like being watched by 12 other potentially gay cowboys in a bunch of cameras, you're not your natural self. So I wasn't like giving too much weight to everyone's weirdness. Plus it was very clear that Luciano

was going to win this thing. When he rode up on that horse, like she has seen that exact man in her dreams before and he was doing exactly that. It's like 13 Homelandanders and then Fabio. And then, yeah. Like I said, Antonio Sabato Jr. But yeah, he's a Fabio, which, and Antonio Sabato Jr. is just a Latino Fabio. Yeah, it's a variant. Not mistaken. Subtype. Yeah. They explained to Jackie that some of the men are gay and she's like,

ha ha ha, wait, what? And her reaction gets so dark, so fast. She has to rethink everything she's ever said. She's like, Jesus, I've been saying the F-word slur in front of these people for like 24 hours. You couldn't fucking give me a warning. It's the 2000s, they're used to it. Yeah. They're all trying real hard to look straight. But a lot of them are vibrating with curiosity, like, oh,

what is she going to think? And so this fucked me up because I don't know what the more genuine reaction is. Like I wanna run this experiment a thousand times and gather data on as many people as possible because how do you react as a secret gay or as a straight? If you tell the woman, hey, someone among this group is gay, like, do you like sit back and be like, yeah,

she'll know it's not me from the way I'm looking cool. Or are you like, oh shit, what's she gonna say? Both of these seem like choices I might make depending on the day. And of course, obviously, I'm a very secret gay. And that's why you're gonna go down as history's greatest monster. These many experiments. You've right. You're the Hitler, we found the Hitler. John's thinking of Hitler's this guy named John says, he doesn't feel bad about Jackie learning this because he's in the same boat as her. He's like, dude, I just fucking learned everyone here is gay as well.

It's very straight way to think, but it's also such a gay Disney villain way to look at the world. I say clever disguise gay. I think John might be clever disguise gay. I won't remember any of these guesses I've made by the way in the next podcast. I'm just taking by it.

They're all gay or they invent bi by the end of this series. So yeah, Jackie's mind is shattered against this new reality. These men are lying to her. She's hysterically crying. She hasn't even fallen in love with a gay man yet. And that's what I'm thinking. When one of these men hurts her, when the winner of this, probably Luciano, says, I'm sorry, I'm gay, give me the money,

it will crush her. That's my prediction. Oh, yeah. That's why they hired her. They were like, this woman will make big tears for us. Do the ages line up? Could she actually have become like Marjorie Taylor Greene? Oh, my God, that would make so much sense. Yeah. Is this? Are we watching the Batman origin story of just a terrible Republican woman? Yeah, it's true because in her mind she's like, yeah, I've met seven gay men and all of them are liars.

I guess that's her take on what's happening here. One of them stole a million dollars. One of them took my fucking money. She is already playing the game. She takes the three gayest men and does a swing date Which is what it sounds like they sit on a fucking swing and she asks them if they're gay you have to be honest On the gay swing. Well, I am on a swing like it's fairy rules It's it's like you bind them with iron you get you get a gay on a swing

Well, it's it's the it's a bench swing. So like I think individual swings are gay, but a bench swing is pretty straight, honestly. Yeah, if you're elderly enough, a bench swing is like a real romantic thing. She honestly doesn't think a gay guy can act like he's straight, which is adorable. This is only 20 years ago and they're acting like they're studying homosexuality like anthropologists. It's just, it was kind of common and ordinary. I love that that's her reaction is like, well, I don't believe a gay man could act straight in the 2000s. Jackie, like just 10 years ago, and in some and in many parts of Texas where you are, they will be killed if they can't. Yeah, it's like, honey, sweetie, baby, listen, I've got something to tell you about the world,

okay? Angel. She's so innocent. Have you been outside? Are you a closet child? I know there's always one on the reality shows. Yeah, she's the basement baby. She really does try to get to the bottom of the hairdryer. She's like, Bradley, you gave me a hairdryer that's super gay. Are you a gay? And he's like, no, I just own a hairdryer. She's like, Bradley, you gave me a hairdryer that's super gay. Are you a gay? And he's like, no, I just own a hairdryer. She's like, all right, but you gave me a hairdryer, so are you gay? And you're just like, what the fuck is going on with this show? And then when he leaves thinking like I've defused that bomb, it cuts her and she's like, he's definitely gay.

No, he's definitely gay. Yeah, the hairdryer. Yeah. She literally says like, explain yourself, like explain why you have it you have short hair and it's like, yep Do you think short hair doesn't need to be dry? Just shake it dry. Yeah, it's not a good sign for the reality show because there should have been several near-fist fights by now Someone should have been sniffed out as the bully target, but no they're they're talking about a hairdryer exclusively Then she also has Ryan and gust on in conclusive. She asked them both if they're gay and they're like, no, no, no, I'm actually not a gay man. She's like, I don't believe you. And at the elimination ceremony, she cannot even look at the guys. Like, and it feels like more than betrayal. It's not like, oh, these guys are lying to me. It's like she might legitimately

hate gay people. I think they got, I think the show got lucky and got a real bigot is my point. Yeah, I get that sense. At the point when she rules, I don't want to spoil too much, but she gets a few of them off, and she seems very unhappy about it, when that should be your win condition. The only thing you have to be unhappy about is that you just met a gay man, and she's just frowning. She calls up Bradley for elimination and mentions the blow dryer twice. They cut to commercial, they're like, well, let's recap you after the commercial.

They play it again twice. I don't know if we count, I didn't count that. I count 18 times if we count those two times, but obviously they cut to commercial after this, hey, are you gay, are you straight? The drama here was, hey, tell me about the hairdryer. Sorry, I'm so confused. My notes are just like weird questions,

like what the fuck is going on with the show? So she lets him stay despite the hairdryer. She actually does not know if he's gay or straight yet. She's very suspicious because I don't know if you guys have heard this, but he does own a hairdryer. She calls up Gust next, he's the gargoyle guy. She thinks he's gay because of his speech mannerisms and introverted and and mannerisms. That must have been a real

quote because that's what I wrote down. Is he the one that someone said he says a lot of s's with his words? No, that's a different guy. Yeah, she thinks Gust is gay because he's too introverted and not interested in her. The famously introverted people. Yes, obviously. And mannerisms, she mentioned mannerisms several times. Again, this is not something anyone's ever trained for and maybe ever done before.

It's really fucked up to like bring someone up and say, I accuse you of being a homosexual and now you have to leave the reality show because of it. To Jackie's credit, how the fuck do you do this in a nice way? And now you have to admit it and say it in front of everybody in this time still very fraught with a lot of hate. Yes. Like, not only are you getting kicked off, you're being used to being gay publicly. I'm sure that was not great for any of them.

Yeah, I think it hurt his feelings. It's probably made him self-conscious for the rest of his life. He's going through a lot. She says, I think you're gay, get out of here. His face is, again, just a weird rictus grin. So we don't know what's going through his head. I know what's going through his head. Murder. It's murder. I'm going to go buy a Mustang. Every single one of the straight guys that gets kicked off being gay leaves here and immediately goes to buy a Mustang.

I won't look so gay in my eye rock. It's all a Psyop by the Mustang Corporation. I bet all these commercials were for Mustangs. She's kind of fucked him up for at least a while, and she's not even thinking about it. She's like, you're gay, I'm not. Get out of here anyway. She's just thinking about how it's impossible. She just realizes, you're gay, I'm not. Get out of here anyway. She's just thinking about how it's impossible. She's just realizes, oh my god, I can't detect gay by introverted and mannerisms. And it shakes her to her core. She thought she could tell. She explains later in a testimonial that she's got a weird vibe from him. And like, yeah, he's a fucking weird guy from all the murders he does. Yeah, you're picking up the murderer vibe. You're getting your gaydar confused with your murderer vibe.

That's a different dog. You need a different dog for that. Murdar the murderer dog. Luciano comes next and she's like, she just keeps saying his name. Luciano, Luciano, you're so beautiful, Luciano. Please stay, Luciano, please stay with me forever, Luciano. He doesn't even try to kiss her. Every other guy's just pawing at her, everything they can. And Luciano's got this vibe like, dude, I honestly finished several lifetimes

worth of fucking before I left middle school. So like, I could take this or leave this lady. Okay, then Ryan comes up and they play this clip from Bill. I really like this clip. Ryan. What is my opinion on Ryan? I think that Ryan is gay. That's really, yeah, okay, good point.

Go to Pitten. It sounds kind of Frankenstein together too, like nobody had anything to say about Ryan, so he's like, I think Ryan is gay. Yeah, that could definitely be a Franken clip. It's a very untrustworthy reality show on top of The Deception and Theatrics. So he's like so obviously acting gay that no one thinks he's gay except for Bill. But she lets him stay and they cut to all these slack-jawed guys like, how could she let him stay?

He's obviously gay. It's really confusing what the show is trying to communicate to us. Then John Lewis, their last. We have that reality show drama of one of these guys is going to get eliminated. But it's super weird here, of course, because one of them is going to get accused of being gay before he goes home, and that's why. LESLIE Which they are all, like, terrified of, and they keep, like, panning into their faces to show the horror and the shock of, like, oh god, there's only three men left, please help me, like, they're so scared.

JARED I think this exact set up did result in several murders on like the Maury show, right? Jenny Jones had the secret crush. The guy came out and says, hey, you know how we've been friends for a while? I'm actually gay and I've had a crush on you. And then that guy murdered him later. And that's why Jenny Jones switched entirely to makeovers and then went off the air. Jesus Christ. You can't do this.

This is illegal. It's fucked up. We have precedent for making this illegal. And to put a million dollars on the line also, like I look forward to finding out about the Madding murders or regret. I guess what was weird here to me is that they're not going home for having bad chemistry or failing an obstacle course or something. They're going home for being a suspected gay.

It's like McCarthyism shit. Ostensibly this is also still about like finding love. But no, it's not. She's not trying to. She's like, no, it's Luciano. And the rest of you, I just have to figure out. Exactly. So she asks Louis to go home for being gay. And she this is her second time trying to do this, saying I accuse you of being gay. So she's kind of going a different direction. Because a straight guy would have and that's how she puts it,

you know, like a straight guy would like a no idea what that means. Does that mean like, he should have like grabbed her boob or something? Is that what she's looking for? I don't know. I don't think there's a good way to do what she's doing. I don't think I want anyone to or whatever. I don't want anyone to me like that doesn't sound. No no thank you. He's straight. She kicked off another straight man for being gay.

Perfect ending. We now see that this is a woman with no gaydar in 2004 and she has 12 more insecure horny men to make wild guesses about. So I'm like, this is going to be a good season of TV. Audiences at the time did not agree. Here in the Denuman, like they cut to everyone. They're like, I can't believe Gust was straight. That dude was super gay. They played over footage of

him delicately folding a pink shirt. It's like they just can't let it go. The guy's straight fucking let him live his life. And as Lydia mentioned earlier, this is when obviously the lesson we're supposed to take from this is like, hey, some people can seem gay, but aren't gay. Some gays can pass. The more you know. And so yeah, you should treat all people nice because even if you think they're gay, they may not be. And it's like, that's not a good moral. Not great.

They thought it or really thought they were doing something. So yeah, viewers, did you know some straights can act like gays? And the homosexual lives among us in all of our walks of life. In other words, war. They got a grant for this back in the 2000s. Yeah, from like, P-Fag or something. For sure, for sure. Then it's, uh, Gus leaves us with the old cliche, you can't judge a book by its cover,

and then it cuts to the dumbass Jackie, like, studying the headshots of a rugged little cowboy, literally trying to judge books by their covers. So that was episode one. I guess we have time to talk about episode two. Why not? Yeah, you know we never talked about the fact that in the intro someone breaks their arm?

Oh my god, yes. Why? Arm wrestling. Oh, arm wrestling, yeah, yeah. I grew up loving sports and combat sports especially. And you meet a lot of guys that don't know their physical limits. Breaking your arm during an arm wrestling match is the kind of shit you do if you're all ego and no workout. That's what I took from that is what an insecure injury

a man can sustain. Toxic manic masculinity has broken a man's arm in the first 30 seconds of this television show. But it is so straight to break your arm inadequately arm wrestling because you overestimated your abilities. Exactly. I've never tested them before. When I saw that bone snap I was like straight. Straight, yep. Yep. He's going home but he was straight. Or masterfully plates. God, yeah. For a million dollars? If that's a gay man he is in the role. He has, his dad doesn't even know. Okay, the lesson Jackie took from night one is that she can't go by who she has chemistry with.

She needs to look at mannerisms, introvertedness, and that would betray a secret gay man's sinful lusts. Which is what she did for Gus, and it didn't work. Yes, it's got her to eliminate two straight men in the first episode because she is a dogshit, stupid, ignorant idiot, and thank God because how terrible would the show be if she was just a normal person who liked people? She invites Ryan to give her breakfast in bed because she's still pretty sure he's

gay because he grooms himself and then it cuts to John saying that Ryan is too pretty. Those are his words. Yeah. I think that makes John gay. Not because you can't find another man pretty, but because you found Ryan pretty. Yes. Well, yeah, and like too pretty too, like... Mm-hmm.

Hmm... Ryan's not. Ryan's five. No, he's not pretty. Yeah. No, he's not that pretty. Only one man is too pretty and we all know who it is. Yes, no question. So Ryan, who is too pretty, is like making breakfast way too long. Like Jackie's really pissed off. He's taking so long to make breakfast. The 11 guys who aren't

Ryan, they have to go like dude ranch chores. And while they're like, you know, moving hay bales and shoveling mud, they're trying to find the secret gay. And one of them says Ryan's actually the gay because he's inside courting the woman. Yes. That's a great thing to say. Congratulations. I will say, Brian, when he's making breakfast says like, he's making an extra fancy French toast because that's going to make him look straight. I have no idea what we thought was an indicator or not. So extra fancy French toast is the super straight thing, but all cake is gay. Okay.

And like chefs, you know, famously super straight dude job being a chef. I think that's what he was thinking. I don't know. There's a moment here I really want to talk about where he had a dumb rose stuck in the back of his pants. He came over to her on the bed. He's like, give me a hug. She's like, all right, whatever the fuck. And then he's like, no, lower, lower. She's like, what? You want me to grab your butt? Ha ha. Because she's not touching the rose because it's at a weird angle.

And it is so awkward and so stupid. And then it goes straight from there to him telling the camera how he's a smooth operator. He's like, dude, I'm a pretty smooth. I'm like, dude, we specifically saw proof of how this isn't true. He said that's a move that he does too. And I'm like, how, why would anyone really be like- Was it just to brag that you have a strong enough ass you can grasp a rose stem?

That's pretty good. Very straight. To know the strength of your butt. In terms of stems. I don't think he has no moves, because he's like, she's like, entertain me with the story, he's like, I'll entertain you by catching grapes across the room, which is, I think, yeah, that's fun. I broke down, Sean maybe probably thinks

this is a good idea. I did. That's bullshit. You did not write that down. I did write that down. There's no way you could know that. I did, I just knew. I knew as soon as I saw it, like, this is a Sean thing.

I bet Sean is trying this. Yeah, I could definitely see you doing that. I feel like she asks for a story. You don't wanna like do what the woman says cause then you've given her too much power. But you do want to escalate this, like the stakes here. You're like, okay, I can be fun, which in it because it's not very fun to say, fuck you, I'm not telling you a story.

So I feel like this is a really good move, pick up artist wise to be like, okay. I think it's a really good move straight, if you're trying to convince me a straight guy by being like, look what I can do. Look at this stupid trick I can do. Very straight. Oh, yeah. That's like the straightest thing. If he had like accidentally choked on a grape. Yes. If he had broken his arm trying to catch that grape. Here's the only time I've liked Jackie. He says, here's the deal. If I can catch three grapes in a row, I get a kiss. And it cuts to her later going, oh yeah, I get a kiss him. What a fucking treat.

Amazing, she hates this guy. It's extremely hateable. She misses the third grape or he misses it. And he says, I get at least a cheek kiss. And then he does that thing where he puts his mouth in front of the kiss to steal it. Mouth kiss, a little sex crimey. And then they, but it works,

and they make out for a little bit. I'd say this is pretty straight, because he is a man making out with a woman. But it's a bad make out, like it's- I agree. And you know why? Because he's not trying to fuck her. His goal, his admitted goal,

is just to prove he's straight and get out of there. Yeah. Which kind of came across as like the opposite of what he was trying to prove, because I've made out with a couple people. Usually you're trying to get somewhere with it. You know, maybe in sixth grade, you're like, I'm making out, I did it.

That was my whole goal for the relationship. It is a grown people. And he's just like, cool, she gets that I'm not gay. Yeah, kissing her, like to prove that he is straight is extremely gay. Yeah. That's what we're saying, yeah. Yes, yes.

Uh-oh, the show's getting complicated. That's how fucked up the show has me. They play a super cut here. I almost took a sound clip because it's just everyone calling each other gay for like 40 seconds, but I'm like, I think you can picture that. There's no need to take it.

Then they do an event. They finally do like a fucking reality show, like little race. And so they all line up But here's the twist there's fucking men with lasso's chasing them I just I couldn't fucking believe what I was looking at like they're fucking like like Texas Border Patrol like fuck I love this so much because they thought the straight guys thought like this makes me look so rugged horses

Ropes you are getting hogtied by a strong cowboy. For potentially being a gay. Like the producers knew this. That's what this is. That's what a lot of these are. It's funny because we're making you do a very fraught action. But a lot of straight guys were just like, yeah, horses, rope. That's good. Oh, and like, picture the producers pitching this and not seeing like, Hunt the Gays. Yes! Like...

How do we get this to not look like a fox hunt? It is the premise of the show. Right. I mean, this could have been called Hunt the Gays and it would be the exact same show. Or just like, Gay Panic, the show. John won in the second group. Luciano was fastest in group one. Good news for Jackie.

But he doesn't do cardio, so afterwards he wins, he tries to pick her up and he can't, she weighs like 90 pounds and Luciano's like, oh, fuck. John in group two wins a picnic with her, which in this case means eating like a one peach on a dirt field. In the dirt, just right there in the dirt,

right there in the dirt where they held the race, full of horse shit. Yep, then Luciano shows up and it's just fucking over for John. She's like, get out of here, fucking peach boy. Cuts to a testimony of her telling the camera, anyone who will listen, how beautiful Luciano is. And then they cut to a barn dance. That's the next activity. Everyone has to pick a special shiny cowboy shirt and Chad and Ryan wrestle over the same shirt, which makes Chad thinks Ryan is gay, which is... and then Chris saw Bradley check his hat in

a mirror. Gay. That's what we're going with for the whole show. Wanting a shirt as gay as cake. Wanting a shirt looking in a mirror. We'll have to make a tier list of gay based on what we've learned from this show. Hair dryer at the top. 100%.

S tier gay having a hair dryer. I really think you hit on something earlier when you said they're confusing gay people and vampires because now we've got the looking in the mirror thing is gay. It's like, dude, that's vampires. Right, right, right. Okay, so they learn how to square dance and half of them have to be female because square dancing there's a male and a female, male leads. It seems unfair because if you ask me, I think if checking your cowboy hat in the mirror makes you gay,

being an actual woman at a bar dance, that makes you super gay. And so I just don't think it's fair. This is just the producers trying to provoke drama and it doesn't work. None of the men fight about it. They're just like, okay, I'm the female and they started dancing. Yeah. And like the producers back there fucking tearing his hair out being like, I thought somebody was gonna get hit.

So Bradley, he starts a plot to get Eddie drunk to get him kicked off. Cause he's like, okay, I can't do anything about Luciano, but Eddie is the second hottest dude. I'm gonna get him kicked off. I'm gonna get him really drunk. So he's doing an old trick where you pretend to drink a shot, but don't.

And now he spends a lot of time explaining to the camera how to do this And here's the thing is you spit it out after instead of swallowing it I don't think you're following me He explains this as this is something I learned as a bartender for getting people too drunk the opposite of a bartender's job Uh-huh is is that is what the thing you just said to me like I don't think male Bartenders at a regular bar are typically bought a lot of drinks, right? Like women aren't buying men drinks usually but if you were a bartender at like a gay bar You would be a drink spot for you. I don't know if he's gay or straight

I do know do not trust a drink that he gives you I know that's a good point Yeah Yeah gay or straight, I do know, do not trust a drink that he gives you. I know. That's a good point. Yeah. I know you've got to dip a coaster in that drink. At the very least, he's bragging on television about his ability to deceive with drinks, which is not great. Yeah, red flag. As a bartender. Bradley, in his, he's telling everybody that he's doing it. And so Ryan is like, oh, cool,

I want to be a part of this. Again, this is all a whole bunch of deception. Count me in. Yeah, he's like, I'm part of the bully crew. So he goes over and he farts on Eddie, very straight. But also not very sexy to Jackie because this is such a fine line these men have to walk. Do I groom myself or do I fart loudly on another man? I do think, all right, I do think this was actually a good move by Ryan

because he has to know, I mean, if you look like Ryan and you stand next to somebody that looks like Luciano, you don't feel like you're the same species. You're like, this is, you're like the aliens that built the pyramids or something and I'm, I'm a piece of California shit. So he knows he's not winning her heart, he doesn't have to. All he has to do is stay there long enough that maybe Luciano does something a little gay

and maybe she wants the half million dollars more than she wants, maybe she doesn't. He understands it's his only shot. It's good gamesmanship. He's also loosening up, they're all drinking. He's confident enough in his straightness that he starts playing gay chicken with dudes. He's like, hey, let's touch each other handsome boy.

Come on, sit on my lap. Jackie does not like this. Also doesn't understand it. Yes, she's she's it's fucking up her process. She's like, damn it, that's the thing I was going to look for to detect the gays. And he's doing it sarcastically. This fucks up all my vibes. OK, now we cut to them in the hot tub.

The Luciano and Ryan are in the hot tub and Eddie gets in in his tighty watties. He does not have a swimsuit. Luciano senses the weird bro shit happening and just gets out of there. Now it's Ryan and Eddie playing gay chicken in the hot tub. But Eddie is not playing gay chicken. He is trying to fuck this man. He licks his neck and he's whispering Spanish in his ear.

Not the kind of gay to be like, hey guys, look over here, this guy's gay, I think. It's like, no, nobody's looking, let's fuck. And so Ryan, he thinks he's figured this is kind of gay. This man's trying to have sex with me. So he runs into the house screaming Eddie is gay like Paul Revere. Like, he's like, finally, finally conclusive proof of gay. And he just cannot wait to share it with everybody. But yeah, this was a very intense pass made at him. I think he's right. It was such a weird plan, though, like Like they're not going to let Jackie watch the playback like it's a football game, you know? Like, I don't know.

Right. This is just more deception layers for her. She could, he could be lying. Like why would she trust him? Yeah, do you believe Ryan or is he just a little lying California piece of shit? Mm-hmm. No one believes him. They're like, what are you talking about?

He's like, he tried to kiss me and they're like, okay, pal. Shut up. Yeah, because it's well established that he's a fucking psychopath because his first move earlier was to fart in someone's face. And okay, it worked. Eddie tried to fuck him. Yeah. I don't know if that's what he was going for, but Eddie was into it. He lured him out. So Banks hates Ryan, for all the obvious reasons someone might hate Ryan, and starts talking shit about him. But Ryan is up on his little window perch because this whole thing is a theatrical play. And he comes down to confront him. He's like,

hey, what'd you say about me? He's like, dude, I said so much shit about you. I believe that's his exact words. He's like, I was talking shit about you for like two hours. Were you up there listening like a naughty little boy for two hours? It's very insecure. A lot of very insincere offers of violence. I would say it's all straight. Both these guys, I'm like, a lot of straight energy coming from these guys. Straight and pussies.

Yes, absolutely. Yes, 100 percent. I mean, you don't talk for that long about how you are going to fight unless you're straight, I think. It was a very long conversation about how they would fight, but... But then Banks handles it like a gay man. He's like, God, why did I get so mad? His take later was not like, I'm going to fuck that guy up. He's lucky I didn't fuck him up. He's like, God, I lost control. He handles it with a lot of responsibility and disappointment in himself, which again, kind of gay. Being in touch with your feelings, knowing what your emotions are, terribly gay.

Okay, you could say it sarcastically. In 2004, yes. Yeah, definitely. It was like, this man has been to therapy. To have basic emotional awareness, extremely gay. They also edited it so it looks like Jackie heard the whole thing. I don't think she did, but they got a shot of her listening at the window. Maybe she was.

I don't know. I just don't trust anything this show is doing. But to their credit, these are 12 men fighting over the same woman. Among these weird homophobic circumstances, it could have gotten uglier faster. The fact that it hasn't means a lot of them are not straight. I don't think it's all straight people is the point because one of them actually says to the camera like, what if everybody here is straight and they're fucking with us, which I thought, yeah, that's a great show. That's a better show.

Yeah, honestly, I think that things got so weird with Ryan that the producers intervened and were like, you need to kick him off. We fucked up. This guy should not be here. We just found out about the murders we should have known his name's ryan it was right there so she has a swing date again with the people she thinks are the gayest and that's banks right now uh because he tried to pick a fight but then didn't beat him up so he already knows these are the kiss of death he says this uh she asked him what the deal was with the caveman shit and he's again super reasonable ashamed for his bad behavior takes responsibility Very gay, but he doesn't kiss her. Goodbye. And that's the part where she's like, wait a second. He didn't kiss me

Gay the vibe of this from start to finish was like a definitely a school teacher dressing down Like you need to be more responsible Like I don't think the appropriate thing to do would have been to kiss her after that. You don't kiss your principal goodbye after getting suspended. Yeah, that's very true. Unless that depends what you got suspended for. If she was looking for a kiss, that was her bad for making it that way. The other swing date is Eddie, the man who tried to have sex with another man on the hot tub. He says the

situation was revenge for Ryan farting on him, but his explanation is mostly Tasmanian devil. He's like, sometimes when I get upset, she's like, that's a good point. That's a very good point. Yeah. Women love to hear how quick and out of control your temper is. Very straight, honestly. Yeah. In Texas, that's a turn on. We also meet a guy named Alex here. They just introduced this fucking random guy named Alex. I'm like, oh, I guess he's getting eliminated because they haven't given him any screen time. He has not been in the show. Yeah.

Right? So she's watched a few guys get lassoed, two of them almost make out. One of those guys almost get into a fistfight. She's like, I have enough to go on. Let's do the elimination. She burns through all the uninteresting ones. There's a part I really liked where Chad comes up and he says, the sexiest thing about you is your big heart. Gross. very gay. And I mean that in the 2004 way, not a homosexual way, but like gay. Chris gets called gay

for some pretty interesting reasons by Chad. This is, we mentioned this earlier. Chris. I think Chris is definitely gay for two reasons. He says a lot of S's with his words and also he has blonde highlights. Nailed him. The letter S is gay. Blonde highlights in 2004 also.

Fucking everybody had blonde highlights. That was super not gay. The gays would not touch that. Yeah, Justin Timberlake had blonde highlights and he's the straightest man. That was a real trashy straight thing to do. Do you think, was he trying to say lisp? Because I did not pick up a lisp from Chris. I think he just picked words with S's in them. He's just like, that guy lives in Mississippi. Fuck that guy.

That's a really gay state to live in. He has a lot of S's in his words, I think. Well, and I know right after that they showed a clip of him saying something, and I can't remember what he said, but it had a lot. It had a lot of S's in it. He was right. It's got the S ratio. Everybody knows about that. And I can't remember what he said, but it had a lot of S's in it. He was right. It's got the S ratio. Pretty suspicious.

Everybody knows about that. Luciano comes up and he's like trying to do this dumbass speech where he's like, please let me show more of who me are we can let to get to know better. And she's like, shut up, stop it, come here, put it in me, just fucking do it, Luciano. She literally says shut up. And she puts her hands on his face again, like, let me feel the bones of your beautiful head when it is not talking. Bradley comes up, his speech is,

I'm a fun, I'm multifaceted kind of guy. She says, whatever. Like she's just glowing because she just recently touched Luciano. All these guys giving these stupid little speeches and she does not care. She's just killing time and she can get plowed by Luciano, get the fuck out of my house, you potential gay.

She's just waving at Luciano behind. Yeah. I'll be there in a minute, just I gotta get through these losers. Alice comes up and he's like, I know I'm kind of quiet, but please let me stay. She kicks him out for being introverted. She has not, she's learned from the first two eliminations that there's no good way to say, hey, I think you're gay, get out of my life. She kicks him out for being introverted, does not even mention whether he's gay or straight. She asks him because that's scripted part of the show. Commercial break, is he gay? Comes back, this guy we've never met before is gay. She got

him on the third try completely by accident. She's just like, you seem quiet, goodbye. Oh, he was a gay? Yeah. That's where you can see her start to frown for the first time is just like, oh, I've met a gay man. That's not as fun as I thought it would be. Yep. But she didn't think he was. No, nobody did. They had clips from everybody saying- That's your win condition. You won. You shouldn't be so miserable.

One dude said he didn't think he was gay because he was just boring. Again, this is so offensive to straight people. Straight culture is just like the most boring person. I'm assuming that offensive to straight people. Straight culture is just like the most boring person. I'm assuming that was a straight man. Let's let... Just Jesus. At first, I thought this was kind of funny, like, she fucked up. But in hindsight, it feels like if I was in her situation, this would be the biggest indicator,

right? Because I imagine the casting directors didn't have as many choices of gay suitors, especially ones that could play it, that could pass as straight for multiple episodes. Can you imagine answering that ad like, come to Texas and let us haunt the gays? No, like you, these all have to be terminally ill men to come to your Christmas. I just think that looking for the most boring person is probably the best move. If you're ever listeners, if you ever found find yourself on a game show about finding

the secret gaze, look for the most boring men. I feel like that's the hottest tip. Jackie's gang. The whole time her and the host are hooking up. Yeah. So Ryan is next and she's having a tough time knowing if he's gay or not. She kicks him off and he is straight, duh. She kipped Eddie, the man who tried to fuck another man

in the hot tub and she kicked off the guy who said no. It's like what we're dealing with. Also, once she finds out he's straight, she's actually surprised and she says, "'Oh damn it, I'm sad I kicked him off "'because I thought we had a real connection "'with this fucking stupid idiot.'" Oh, you do not want to live. I think she had to say that because she was scared that Ryan knew her address.

Yeah. Yes. He's a Ryan. Probably true. Never suffer a Ryan to live. I'm so glad we got through both episodes because I had so much fun watching these. I'm assuming you have this sound clip, otherwise I'm going to deliver the line that this episode ends on.

Oh, I know it. Lydia? I finally got one. Yeah! The craft is not trapped, it is not empty! Send it to the dog zone for an hour! Come on, you know the number! 1-9-100 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-9, New York!

1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-100 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-9, New York! Yeah! 9000! As children, they were lost to the wilds of Florida when their parents' yachts were exploded by Skeletor. Raised by wolves, they must now re-enter society with only the help of a manimal, a little person toy genius, and Hulk Hogan on a sentient speedboat, they are the Supremes.

Aaron Crosston, Adrian H, Aiden Moak, Alex Nolenberg, all raised by wolves, Alpha Scientist Jabo, Un-Andy, Armando Nava was raised by wolves. Rich Wolves Bim Talzik Brandon Garlok Brian Saelor Burrito All wolf kids, everyone. Serol Chase Cheddar Wolf is one of the wolves who keeps raising these damn kids. Clementine Danger Common Sense was orphaned by a Skeletor and

has vowed revenge on all skeletons. All skeletons. Craig Lemoine. Quavis. Dan B was raised by sentient speedboats who have sadly passed. Vroom vroom Dan B! That means I'm sorry for your loss in speedboat. Daniel Sloane. Devin the Rogue Supreme. David Shull. Dean Costello was raised by wolves and violently destroys all clothing. Unless it's from his natural prey animal, the silkworm.

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Javer Al-Aidin is howling. It sounds... sad. Wait. That's not sadness. It's party. It's party, Wolf, everybody! James Boyd. Jared Mountainman. Jeff Haraski. Jim Salter was raised by snakes.

Watch him slither! Yeah. John Dee. Snakes! Watch him slither! Yeah... John Dee. John McCammon. John Minkoff. Joseph Surrows. Pretty much the whole J-Section, all Wolf Kids. Josh S.

Joshua Graves. Justin B. was raised by ants. And now, with the speed and strength of an ant, he faces a lot of difficulty in day to day life. Ken Paisley, K&M, Kumutas, Kyle Campbell. Lane Haygood is a wolf child psychologist here to do some potty training. Thank fucking god you're here Lane Haygood. This place, I think it's everyone's territory. Lisa. Lucas Keen is out of control on pure distilled Hulkster scent. It's banned in 92

countries, and for good reason. M. Jahee Chappelle. Mark Mahoney. Matt Riley. Max Faroi is a sentient speedboat who kills Skeletors. Not so fun now is it Skeletors. Michael Dillon, Michael Lair, Mickey Loman, Mike Stiles, Moju, Mort was raised by wolves, hot wolves, what she's a wolf Mort that's all I'm saying. Mr. Bob Gray, ND, Neil Bailey, Neil Schaeffer, Neku104, Ornry Weevil was raised by feral toy geniuses and only speaks the language of exploding pterodactyls, Ozzy Olin, Patrick Herbst, Rachel, Rhiannon, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, Spotty Reception, Static Dust is an adoptive wolf parent taking in unwanted human children and teaching them to bite and snore them. We've got Mother's Day, we've got Father's Day, where's Wolf Day cowards?

Super Knot, Ted H, Thomas Kavatsos, Timmy Leahy, Toasty God was raised by wolves and still speaks fluent wolf to this day. If things go south next election, that wolf passport is going to come in handy. Tommy G Velo Booster can turn into any animal, but it hurts. So much don't ask her. Waylon Russell Zach and Ava Benjamin Sironin, Boy, Hulk, Boy, Little Person Toy Genius, Boy,

Sentient Speedboat, Boy, Skeletor, ah he's not getting it. Let's send him to live with the Navajo everybody!