The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 183, Bingo with Tom Reimann

Episode Date: July 10, 2024

Brockway blows a whistle that only dog murderers can hear, so Seanbaby and guest Tom Reimann come running to discuss the 1991 children's dog adventure movie, Bingo!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 Hot Dog. We're the last website. Come support us at patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. We run new comedy articles every day, which is incredible. Plus bonus podcasts, community events, more. We're the last ones paying talented human comedians good human money just for fun, for joy.

You guys remember joy, right? I mean, maybe not. No. Yeah, probably not. It's this thing we used to have that was, I'm gonna say it, better than wailing despair. We do that. Come check us out.

I am notorious dog murderer Robert Brockway. And with me, as always, is my partner and yes, notorious dog murderer, Sean Pavy. It's a pleasure to be here. I love to murder them dogs. Love to eat that cold cream. And our guest, that's right. It's notorious dog murderer, Tom Ryman.

Glenn Shaddux's second favorite pig sticker. So, so happy to be here. So happy to be here. This is, I was weirdly obsessed with this movie in second grade, but I had no memory of it. I don't think I'd seen it since then. And I certainly didn't remember it being this insane. It's incredible.

I can't wait to dive into it before we tell, we like to not even tell people what we're doing before we plug in case, in case rightfully they decide, oh, I'm not going to listen to that. Yeah, these guys are too many dogs. Yeah. Tom, where can people find more of you? Oh, geez.

Well, I co-host a podcast network called Gamefully Unemployed with my buddy David Bell. You can check us out at patreon.com slash gamefully unemployed or wherever you listen to your free podcast. We have a bunch of stuff that's exclusive to the Patreon and also stuff that's on the free feeds. So check us out. Sweet.

And one thing you will not be covering is Bingo! A 1991 children's dog adventure movie that was weirdly important to young Tom, the only person who has ever heard of it that I've spoken to. Yeah, weirdly. I don't know why. I just, for some reason, something about this movie spoke to me, and I had the scholastic novelization that about this movie spoke to me and I had like the scholastic novelization that I got from the book fair and everything. I had the whole, I think that was it.

That was the extent of the bingo merchandise. So I owned 100% of the bingo merchandise. Not quite. See, we found out about this movie when I bought, as I like to do, unassorted bulk trading cards from the 1990s. In this case, it came with a ton of unopened bingo packs, and I sent that out as a reward to our fine patrons who pledge at that level. And you too could get dog murder cards if you pledge. That's not a great plug. So everybody got these packs and nobody remembered this movie existed.

This was a major release. This is not an obscure movie. It was in theaters all around, had an advertising campaign, had merch. And everybody got these cards and you would open these cards and it would just be guy with a gun pointed to this dog's head,

guy with a gun pointed to this dog's head, guy with a gun pointed to this dog's head, guy with a gun pointed to this dog's head, guy with a knife pulled on the dog, like just dog murder after dog murder. We're like, why, what is this movie? So we watched it for our community movie night for the meat party. Again, subscribe to 1-900-HOT-DOG.

We show dog murders. And child murder, he's dead twice. Yeah, sure. They do kill a couple of kids. Well, they'll save kids, many times. Same kid. Do you guys, do you know the movie I Saw the TV Glow? Yeah. Yes, I have not seen it yet, but it's on my list.

So yeah, I watched it. It's very weird. I wouldn't say I got it, but of course, the zeitgeist is that this movie very well communicates what it's like to transition genders. And I wouldn't have got that if someone hadn't told me that. But I feel like that movie is a good touchstone for like how that movie somehow artistically helps explain a thing that's very difficult to explain. And I think Bingo helps do that for having a stroke,

late onset dementia. I think just having your head chopped off and watching yourself die, I feel like bingo explains Exactly what that would feel like it's the rim of the universe you see right before the darkness takes you Yes, there's something this movie's trying to communicate that I don't get but someone out there watches bingo is like, oh my god This is what grandpa went through in the war. Yeah, it could be like pre lobotomy I mean something to do

with just the impending death of the self. This is absolutely a misfiring brain. Some ancient language, a thick dead tongue. This was meant and marketed towards children. If you're not familiar and you're not, we've established that. Bingo, it's in the tradition of Homeward Bound of Milo and Otis. It's dog-forward movie, only instead of wonderful adventures, it is tragedy after tragedy and mania and a little too much sex, I would argue. Yeah, strong agree. I think everybody could agree. Way more piss than I expected. A lot more piss, a lot more piss play, more feet,

more foot play. To be fair, the piss was part of the story and I love that I'm not fucking around. That's a real thing that we'll get to. It is. Yeah, I would argue, just like the sex, a little too much. A little too much of the story was piss-based. It was directed by a guy named Matthew Robbins

who wrote and directed Dragon Slayer and Batteries Not Included. So he should know how 80s adventure movies with like a kid friendly bent go. What the fuck happened to his brain? Right, was he in a motorcycle crash during this? Like this is the whole time? Here's the one genuine thing I will attempt to say

in this movie's defense and then all bets are off after that. I think this might genuinely be an attempt to spoof these kinds of movies. Oh yeah, it's like all of our favorite things. It's a spoof by somebody that doesn't understand the source material or any of the appeal about it

and decides like a spoof means something completely insane. It's definitely the tracks of children's dog movies. I got that vibe. I wanna say that I feel like it's like someone personally making fun of like the Heathcliff writer. He's like, you're a fucking idiot, and I'm gonna prove it artistically with a big budget film called Bingo.

This is what it's like to despise Peter Gallagher. Where Bingo has the full intelligence of a person, but still shits in the driveway. And every single human in this universe is completely deranged. Yes. Basically none of the tropes of any of those movies that he is setting out to parody are present

in a recognizable state. Like he might be referencing something in a very disturbed way that I don't understand. I did look up a little more of his career. It makes a little more sense to me that he transitioned to writing horror with Guillermo del Toro. He then wrote, he went on from this to write Mimic and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark and Crimson Peak. So I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah, this is the dog movie the guy who wrote the killer cockroach movie would write right and then the incest handjob movie Yeah, they should have slid that into bingo. Well, I should say he directed this he went on to write those because uh

Well, we will get into that the writer of this was a guy named Jim Strain and the only other thing he did of note Was the 1995 Jumanji movie, which again, really good, competent kids adventure movie. There's a complexity to Jumanji that like requires some skill. I don't remember a lot of piss play. No, I don't think so. There's some derangement though. The ending to Jumanji is desperately insane.

Yeah, yeah, you can feel like these are clearly these are madmen who were trying to explain how they see the world through the broken filters of their brain and failed. Corpse growing into madness through the pull of their own gravity. I'd like to go through the only IMDb trivia I could find. There's not much. Each of which feels more savage than the last. How many are there?

There are three. Okay. I was gonna guess four. Yeah, you were gonna guess higher than it is because again, this was millions of dollars, a huge marketing campaign in theaters all over the country just vanished from the cultural consciousness. Here's the first one.

A scene with Bunny shown in the trailer did not make it into the cultural consciousness. Here's the first one. A scene with Bunny shown in the trailer did not make it into the theatrical release. It shows her throwing raw hamburger onto a window, which Bingo is looking out, and she says, "'Raw meat, raw meat.'" The context for this joke is unclear. Loss to time. Swallowed by the chronosphere.

Didn't cut all the meat play, but a little bit. A little bit. He drags that guy around by the cock later. The end of the film announces the sequel, Bingo's Big Fix, which was never produced after this film did not make enough money in theaters. Is that a reference to his neutering? Yeah. Yeah, I gotta assume, right?

This movie has him being castrated. That's his reward. No, that's what the next movie is about, is about him being, and exclusively about him being castrated. It's the reverse Porkies. God, I would, to be that confident, you have to at least have a treatment for what Bingo's Big Fix is. If you have any, if anybody listening to this has any resources, I want that so bad. I want it so bad. I'll give you $4,000 for that treatment. If you can get hold of that treatment, that's the bounty. And the final and most savage piece of

IMDB trivia. This is the last film Matthew Robbins directed. Yeah. Period. That's the end. That's the end of the trivia. That doesn't belong in trivia. That's like end. That's the end of the trivia. That doesn't belong in trivia. That's like a green house. Somebody learned from this mistake, but it was not him. He did. He learned like, oh, apparently I understand the world in a very dangerous way. I'm going to write Roach Horror after this.

I'm going to transition to my natural state, which is Roach Horror. I should clarify. That's where I belong. No, this movie state, which is Roach Horror. I should, I should, that's where I belong. No, this movie does not take place in our world. This is a dreamlike, surreal nightmare of a world. I tried to, in my notes, try to keep track of the rules. Like, what can people do? What can dogs do? It is never consistent. It all seems designed to drive the viewer mad.

It works. It's just an unsolvable riddle. The thing that kept confusing me is that everyone treats Bingo like a human. designed to drive the viewer mad. It was just an unsolvable riddle. The thing that kept confusing me is that everyone treats Bingo like a human, but he's the only dog that they treat that way. Like he gets subpoenaed. Here's my rebuttal to that, except for when they don't. Except for when they oftentimes don't, yes.

There is no internal consistency to this movie, or external consistency. It starts with a fun animated intro and real wacky hillbilly music, and it does not prepare you for the darkness to come. Like, if I was kind of a lazy 90s parent, I would check out this movie and be like, oh, okay, this is cool for my kids, I get the vibe. And then I'd walk away and I would come back to severely damaged children, to irreparable children, and be like, what the intro was so cute though. Couches on fire. Yeah these are now dog children, they've been transformed. The very first

thing that happens in this movie after the cute intro, the dog is yelling at a clown to feed him cold cream. I just... I wish that was anything except exactly what you said it is. I wish I could say you were comedically exaggerating. No. It does. It feels like something I would write though. Like if I was like, you know, just kind of doing a little absurdity of like,

oh, here's a guy, I need something for this guy to do. That's just fucking crazy. Okay. Yeah. He's screaming at a clown to feed him cold cream. Yeah, that's fine. I'll fix it later. Tighten it up. But like, that's good enough. That's maximum crazy. Yeah, you know dogs. Dog stuff.

I just love that, like, notoriously, the first page, and especially the first line of a screenplay, is so important to, like, set the vibe. And you wrote down, dog yells at clown, give me cold cream. You know, yep, perfect. I'm not changing that at all. Yeah. So Bingo works at a circus, not performing. He's not a fancy performing dog. He is a carny, but he also does have a job. It is chiefly

waiting on some fancy performing poodles. So he is slave class is what we have established. There is a dog cast system and he is at the bottom, which I did not know that was news to me. That's the first insane assumption that we're getting out of the way. He spills some water and his owner, one of many, many needlessly murderous, dog murderous villains, holds up the bag

somebody tried to drown Bingo in because he keeps that bag around to threaten the dog. To remind him, yeah, you know. And we know the dog is prone to flashbacks. Like, that's a big part of the plot, is that this dog, when faced with one of his many near-deaths, will, like, have a nom-style flashback. 40 seconds, a minute and a half of terrifying flashback.

Yeah, because, long story short, like, one of the poodles is hurt and can't perform, so Bingo has to fill in, because any fucking dog can do it, apparently. And they put him in a poodle coat, which is bizarre. And then they try to make him jump through a ring of fire, and then he has vivid PTSD flashbacks to when his pet store burned down when he was a puppy and his mother died in it? Yes. So many died so that Bingo could live. Because the firefighters actually say the worst, like, we can't save all of them. And then it's like, just save the ones you can.

And Bingo got chosen. So he has like this survivor's guilt that he carries with him whenever he sees fire. You sit upon a throne of bones. Earn this! Screamed a thousand fish and mice. The way we show that he is just haunted by this grief is that we show him as a puppy mourning in front of a grave to his mother, in front of a dog grave. His mother has a water feature headstone in the cemetery.

The only thing we see of her is her dead body half in a kennel, like in a pet store. In a pet store. But we need to understand, chief of all, this dog can feel grief, is what we need to understand very clearly. Obviously, like when that pet store burned down, they did not retrieve every bit of the remains,

separate them and then give them fancy funerals. So do you think in the first draft of the script, like he was just visiting a thing that was like crudely labeled mass grave of pet store accident? It was on the refrigerator box. And then someone said, that's a real bummer. Let's give the dog a real nice water. I'm sure the first draft was the dumpster

behind the burned down pet store. Can you imagine if we tried to get to the bottom, if we tried to decipher the writing process of this movie throughout the podcast, how fucking crazy. It would take, this would be a nine hour podcast. There's no way we could do it in under that. I just like that so early on we established that really traumatic, insane events hurt this dog mentally for a lifetime. Get ready for what happens next, for the next hour and a half.

Remember, every one of these playful things that happens will haunt him for a lifetime. So Bingo can't do it. He's too haunted by his mother's death, which is a great opening for your dog adventure movie. He runs away from the fire hoop and we cut to the trailer later that night and his owner is just pulling out a hunting rifle, desperately trying to murder this dog for being afraid of fire, and his wife, I guess, is the only one trying to stop him, saying, like, he's just a dog, he's just a dog, and she holds him off and tells Bingo a set of very abstract orders, like, go start a family, discover what makes you happy, and he doesn't get it, and he keeps coming back with, like, objects of a picture of a family or a ball

They're doing a little who's on first routine only one of them's a dog and one of them's a murderer Yes It's who's on first if somebody was just off screen going hey If you don't get this right, i'm gonna shoot you in the fucking head right? She's not a fan of vaudeville because she's like, all right, screw it. We're shooting the dog Right, she's not a fan of vaudeville because she's like, alright, screw it, we're shooting the dog. She just says after like three things. She gets so pissed at this fucking vaudevillian routine, she agrees they should kill the dog and shoots at it. She grabs the gun, overcome in a murder- in a murderous rage, and starts unloading bullets.

Several. Not- not in a, oh buddy, you gotta go, you can't come with me back to society, tearful kind of way, like aiming down sights. I'm gonna plug this fucking dog now. I hate this little hearty shit, I'm gonna kill you. It's been five minutes. It's five minutes into the movie, we've, we've... Right? We have not even got our feet under us yet. It's just like this dog is doing fucking bits. Hell no.

We've revealed that in the past he has been burned and attempted to drown. He's been shot at by multiple people who sensibly loved him. His mother's dead and he is capable of profound grief and mental suffering. All important things to establish on the first five minutes of your children's dog adventure movie. Here's what's important. How smart is the dog? How amazing is it that this dog is kind of smart? She's doing who's on first.

She's like, hey, go for cover. And he brings over a bedspread. She's like, no, not like bed covers, dog. But she should be like, holy shit, you can speak English? You understand the word cover? No one would have taught that to a dog. This is amazing. But no, she's like, you fucking idiot.

I not only expect you to be understand every word of English, I expect you to understand abstract meaning behind these words. And the penalty for failure is death. So is every dog in this universe smart enough to kind of talk, but not but like not quite smart enough to like, be charming so they all get murdered? I don't know. I don't know what the rules are. Yes. Is the point. Oh no, I'm already crazy. Oh no, I've already been driven mad by Bingo. Five minutes. Five minutes. Stop the clock. We got it.

So we cut to a bunch of kids biking through the woods and there's one loser kid, as there always must be. That's Chucky. And he can't keep up and do the rad jump at the end. So he crashes and drowns in the river. He just rides his bike directly off the ramp. He doesn't even attempt to jump it. No, he just I think he might want to die, but he crashes and immediately drowns in the river. Here's a fun fan theory.

The whole movie takes place in the next half a second. Everything we see from this point. I was just about to say that. Okay, we all agree. Down a creek bridge. Just the fantasy in his mind's eye of an impossibly smart dog that saves him from drowning in a two inch creek. I mean, we said it at the start, like this movie, everything that happens is some form of the death of the self of a brain dying, and it's absolutely this child drowning in a river immediately. Just immediately.

Also, let's check the clock. Seven minutes, our second drowning. Bingo the genius dog runs along and performs CPR on him for a long time. It does not work until he eventually takes like a flying leap into the kid's rib cage and he finally, I think like three minutes later comes back to life. He definitely has brain damage now, like if he's not just dead anyway. I do like how the dog went from chest compressions with his like tiny little dog hops to like jumping off a bridge and like just stomping his heart started. It's, I don't know, it's fun to me. This is the bit that I liked.

Of all the bits they try to do, I was like, a dog doing CPR is kind of the right kind of magic for the early 90s, right? This is probably what you were attracted to as a child, Tom. It's like, this dog is so smart, he could bring you back to life if you die in a dream. Which is a big problem for me, young Tom. This dog is the key to eternal life. At least I could stop dying in a creek so often. So after he brings this kid back to life, he passes out, and the kid wakes up to find that he has been stripped nude,

and Bingo is drying his clothes. So at some point, the poodle training guy trained this dog to strip young children. And then build a little perverts tent. Okay, that's possible, but here's the other thing. I thought, just being generous to Bingo, I thought, maybe he is claiming this boy is his son, and he's like, you live like a dog now, without the clothes of man. You live here nude in the woods with me now.

At best, that's what it is, but yes, I think the much more likely explanation is the circus guy trains the dog to strip children nude. I don't like that that's the more likely explanation. He gave off that classic, I train dogs to strip young boys nude on command vibe. It was the handlebar mustache really that did it. Yeah, it was. That's a I train dogs to strip children mustache. I think it's important to establish there's been no radioactive goo or magical wishes that caused any of this. It's just a weirdly smart dog that knows how to do CPR

and also has some quirks, some child-nuding quirks. Eating cold cream, stripping kids naked. Just ripped to the tits on cold cream and it all makes sense. So Bingo goes to catch a fish for the kid and that's enough for a bear to attack them. If you take a fish out of the river, a bear will attack. Yeah, that's his fish. He's gonna slap that fish. Just instantly, like the second he steps out of the river.

It's like the only activity I get to do out here, man. Why would you take that from me? And like, they are so clear, I'm harping on this one very small moment when there are so many big moments to come, but it's just so crazy to me that they, that the Chucky looks at the fish and is like, oh, he's here because of the fish

that you got out of the river 1.5 seconds ago, that summoned the bears. Like just, that's the logic on display here. Well, the dog tells him that the dog climbs up a tree and starts barking and the kids like, Oh, I understand what you're trying to say. You're trying to explain that weird thing about the fish we just talked about. I'm gonna throw the fish at the bear, which, to the movie's credit does nothing. The bears like, what the fuck was that? I'm going to kill you and eat you. I'm here to eat children's as I have been trained in a circus to do.

So next we meet the kid's family, Chucky's family. It's one reckless animal trainer. And his whole family, of course, despises him for being weak, I guess. Only the mother even seems to minorly tolerate him, and not very much. There's the shithead brother, Chickie, which is never addressed why they did that, and the father, Hal, who we learn is a failed football place kicker and hates all animals and loves foot stuff. Like not just not just kicking stuff, explicit foot stuff. He's a barefoot place kicker and does not wear shoes or does not wear one shoe. He's David Rash. Everyone knows him

from Sledgehammer or any of his other 500 films. And the mom is Cindy Williams, who was Shirley on Laverne and Shirley. Some great actors. Who are given a lot of space to play with the foot cues. They're not very worried that their child has been missing, you know, hours and hours in the woods while he was with their brother. Like the brother that was with him is like, yeah, I don't know where the fuck he went. We jumped over the river and then he's probably dead in the river. And, you know, it's actually worse. He's been stripped fully naked by a wanted circus dog and attacked by a bear.

I mean, I don't know. It's his own fault he wasn't rad enough to jump that jump. We're all children of the 90s. This is fair, right? Yeah, we all went through this. We lost a lot of friends to creaks and to pervert dogs. It was just, you know, the cost of freedom. So he tries to sneak Bingo in in gratitude, like you're my dog now, but we establish,

uh-oh, Bingo's super horny for the neighbors dog. Get used to this, get used to this. Get used to this. It's a weirdly horny movie. The reason the movie happens is because he fucks too much and oversleeps. Yes. So they do a little bonding montage, it's whatever, they establish early on that,

well, you know what, let's go through it. They go skateboarding together, total like 90s smart dog stuff, right? Totally fine, fine, fine, fine. They play arcade games together, that's pushing it. Bingo helps him with his math homework. I think that's supposed to be the gag. And then the second gag is they look at pornography

in the convenience store together. Yeah, they do. I said, get used to it. I feel like no one's gonna believe us. If they haven't seen Bingo, they're not gonna believe us. That the little boy is just looking at a Playboy and the dog is masturbating to pictures of dogs because someone has made a magazine of dog pornography in this universe.

There's dog playboy. There's playdog and he is getting it on. So the family comes home to find all their stuff has been destroyed by what is obviously a dog and Hal steps in dog shit with his precious haunted foot, this precious football curse foot, and that cannot be tolerated. So they ban him from having the dog that they don't believe he has, and that same instant inform him that they're all moving because he's

been traded to Green Bay. I want to stop here. And OK, so the older brother is like a genius. He knows this. He has read the screenplay. He's like, you're hiding a dog. Not like you had a dog in here. He's like, you have a secret dog in the house, which seems like something you could just check. Like, hey, guys, let's check the house for the fucking secret dog. But they don't. But the kids still know. Right. I guess the other thing is that other people in the universe seem to know that it's

weird that this dog does things. When he's at the arcade and the dog's playing video games, it has a crowd of people like, oh my god, this dog is playing video games. That's amazing. But the kid does not. He has a second skateboard that he just puts the dog on, doesn't seem to think like, holy shit, you know how to ride a skateboard? No, he does not notice the dog is magical. There's a part here that feels like it's from the wrong movie where like, he just grabs the and he's like, oh bingo, bingo, I can't ever lose you. Like in the middle of a game of hide and seek, he like loses the dog for like four seconds. He's like bingo, if I ever lost you, I'd kill my entire family and myself. It's like, what the fuck? I've had a haunting realization. I'm sorry, it's, can we revisit the dog, Playboy?

Sure. Sure. please. I know it's a moment We don't want to revisit. I don't want to live in that moment either But with what you just brought up the kids are astonished that this dog is that smart. We do meet other dogs They kind of have they they're they've got a little bit of bingo magic, but it's very much established like no They are not they're just dogs They can do a couple of human things when it fits a gag, but Bingo's the only smart one.

Who was PlayDog for? Because that's a whole magazine built and published, but these dogs are not smart enough in this universe. I had that question a few times, like later on when he gets arrested, there's a dog like lineup measurement thing behind him, but he's the only dog that gets treated like this. So it seems like they painted that just specifically for him. Yeah, that's a funner moment to visit than dog fuckers have their special publication,

Dog Fucking Monthly. That's just a magazine for humans, man. That's the... Yeah, that's who that's for. That's for that circus owner. Yeah, it's like this series of one-dimensional jokes that don't have a dimension. It's like zero-dimensional jokes, because it's like, here's the gags, but like there's no, there's nothing it's playing off of. It's just like, this is the universe they live in, only maybe it's not. Wink?

You're like, what the fuck was the wink? Why do they have a dog playboy? I think that drills down to it really well. It's the wink at the end. Then you're like, wait, hold on. No, was that a spoof of something? Because that has never happened. Nobody's ever done the thing that you're saying, like, let's lampoon that. No, it's never happened. You invented it and then spoofed it in the same sentence. Which isn't anything. It's nothing. It's just madness. Anyway, so the family's moving and Bingo sneaks out to get his dick wet.

I'm sorry, I told you to get used to it. He brings a bottle of champagne, so the dogs get drunk in this universe. He brings it over and he gets smashed with the neighbor dog and they fuck all night. And then the family moves the next day, they pile in the car and move away, but Bingo is too hungover and just too wrung out from fucking all night and he misses the car

which they wouldn't have allowed him in anyway but he was going to hide in a trunk yes he was going to possibly hide in a trunk it's unclear what the plan was the scene where he's drilling the air holes into the steamer trunk he's like don't worry Bingo we'll hide you in here the look on the dog's face as he's looking at that trunk is just so like, Oh god, I'm not getting in that fucking thing, dude. There are so many moments in this movie where every time he has to do a trick, like the dog looks really just really not happy with it. All of the things this poor dog has had to do, there is no way he has been trained for this in dog acting school. Whatever that dog acting school is,

there is not a section for getting shot at by circus perverts. Like there's not. There's just not. It feels like a lot of dog movies are sort of written backwards from what the dog stunt performers can do. But not this dog, or not this movie, or not this dog. Whichever. They both mean the same thing in this case. Nothing. Nothing that sets in. No part of it. So now there's a car chase where they're trying desperately to lose the dog, like seriously peeling out, drifting into traffic, almost killing a lot of people trying to lose.

Just maniacally trying to lose this dog that's just trying to catch up with the car. Trying to shake the dog. They have read the screenplay. They see a dog following them. They don't think like, oh hey, there's a dog running after us. They think that's the fucking secret dog that has been living in our house. We have to. They've never seen it in their lives, but they know they have to ditch it and they're

like sadistic about it. They're like, haha, we're gonna eat our dust, you fucker. I'll kill this entire family rather than let that dog catch us. So Bingo runs until he's lost or exhausted. He's standing in an intersection, just, I guess, mourning and holding up traffic. A cop comes up and realizes, uh-oh, Bingo's been drinking. So it's illegal for a drunk dog to stand in an intersection in this town, which I think is Colorado. That does check out.

Yeah, that's Colorado's kind of law. He gives Bingo a field sobriety test, which Bingo passes, because that's one of the cute tricks he can do is walk on his hind legs. And he lets him off with a warning. And then before peeling out, the cop turns to him and says, I'll run you over unless you leave this town. He's going to drive him out of town like Brian Denne. It's a fucking sundown town for dogs?

Colorado? Bingo throws a rock at a helicopter. I think it's supposed to be Denver. I don't think Denver is a sundown town for dogs. They drew first blood, not Bingo. This is the first step of his little dog adventure. Like the first step of his fun kids adventure. Like the first step of his fun kid's movie journey is this cop threatening to kill him if he doesn't leave.

So now we're gonna get to the piss play that dominates this movie. Yes. Chucky, his plan is that he's going to drink as much water as he can and just piss every mile so that Bingo can follow his scent across the country. And you would think, like, huh, if I was writing this, I would think, okay, we'll establish that, right, with this first shot, and then we'll just maybe make reference to it.

Obviously, we don't need to keep seeing the kid peeing, right? Right, because he's pissing like every mile, so it would be insane if we stopped every five minutes of this movie to watch a child piss, right? We haven't mentioned this, but there was a shower scene earlier, so like we've already had two nude little boy scenes, and then I think this is already our second pee scene, so I would think most screenwriters would say, we gotta really be more careful about... Yeah, we got to cut a few of this child piss play scenes to make the R rating. To make the R rating. We can't have all these new child scenes. We can keep one. Pick your favorite. It's far past troubling. It's so hard to pick just one.

I want to say by screen time volume, it's not a super long movie. It's about an hour and a half. I want to say about 40 percent of this movie is watching this child piss from now on it's every time we watch every Single time and the rest of the movie. He's either naked or dead. Yes Yeah We make it sound like it's about a dog but no it's about a pissing naked dead child and the maniac pervert dog after him. Just a kaleidoscope of horror. Everybody wants to murder. Good god. Next thing the family stops at a local hot dog

restaurant named Duke's and we immediately establish Chuckie goes into the back to like to piss guess. And they immediately establish, he is slaughtering local dogs to make the meat. And he's not making a secret out of it. He's not like- He's not embarrassed by it. No, he's not like, oh no, child, you saw that. He's like, always fresh.

Just super proud of it. Or you're making back, yeah. And it's Glenn Shattucks. And it's Glenn Shattucks. And the role he was born to play, Duke the dog slaughtering maniac. And the dad is fine with it. He's like rationalizing the dog eating.

Yeah, I would go further and say the entire family is fine with it because we cut to the scene. Right, nobody else protests. Yeah, we got to the scene where the dad is like, the kid has already told him off screen and the dad is just like, I don't see what the big deal about it is. And the mom isn't like shaking her head

and the other brother isn't making a face. They're just like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, we eat dogs. Throwing up and crying. We, all of us, each of us ate one fifth of the dog just now. And it rules is what they think. That explains their attitude towards dogs in general. They're just like, they hate them.

I think if you were a 10 years old watching this, you probably wouldn't even be sure they're eating dogs. Like they never outright say it. So maybe that was a choice to try to hide it from the children. They don't outright say it yet. Oh, you're right. No, later they make it explicit.

It would bingo escapes, yeah. That was like, oh no, what's the troubling implication? Let's revisit that as adults. Oh no, Bingo is not capable of leaving that moment tastefully off of screen. Let's see where our fun plucky dog's first adventure on his own is. He's dying of thirst. He is uh, he is hallucinating. He's dying of thirst in the middle of a highway, hallucinating that he's found both water and his family when really he is again dying of thirst on a highway. Very explicitly shown.

Biggo is rescued by Duke the dog slaughterer who is again going to slaughter this beloved dog for his meat. Children love this movie. He puts them all in the in the big cage at his hot dog restaurant where they explicitly explain We kill dogs and put them in hot dogs and eat them. We love to do it. It's great But they stage a dog prison break scene And here's one of the few moments where like all of the dogs hold up mirrors like prisoners to like get a better view down The cell block and that's like, okay, they could do a cute thing But then they don't they aren't shown as being anywhere near bingo capable after this because only bingo can

break free he hatches the shawshank redemption plan and just tunnels out until he does it and then all the other dogs know how to open cages then yeah then they all help he taught them he sees the planet the apes moment right so just i want to be clear that it's not just bingo who is pretty smart it's the universe where all dogs are super intelligent and also a world where people eat them. So those are the rules of this universe. For this scene. Yes, sometimes. Which is the most you can hope for out of this.

So all the dogs break free and they corner Duke and his horrible wife in a cage and they steal his pickup truck and push start it. And so Bingo can drive it into their hot dog stand and you're thinking like oh this is where they show them like after after the car crashes through their hot dog stand they show explicitly the duke and his wife are alive afterwards they do not. There is no parachute drifting down from the shot down plane in GI Joe to let you know.

No problem kids there's no like, oh the Foot Clan was just robots. At this point in the movie, I was fully expecting an explosion. Yeah. Like the way this movie had been going, I was like, well they're gonna be killed obviously. I think it's implied they were

because it crashes straight into that sand and then you do not hear them again, you don't see them again and they leave. And then you're like, yeah. They should have eaten their cooked flesh. All the dogs should have come back and eaten them after the explosion You should be roasted yes, clearly the dogs I'll wave goodbye to bingo who's still got to find his boy and it is adorable

There's like seven dogs all waving to each other. It is a real cute scene Yeah, it was real cute that they got them all to do that and then then this can't be right. My notes say the boy is peeing again. Yep, that's exactly what I have. This hotel scene, this kid is fucking pissing again. I'd say back to Chucky pissing his way across the country. I forgot to look up whether or not the kid, who I feel like I kind of recognize, went on to have like an adult career after this,

because if this was his big break and they just had him pissed the whole time, where does your career go after that? Your agent needed to do something, otherwise this is child abuse. Right, it's already peaked, right? You're already at the top. It can't go any higher than that. You're the piss lunatic from the dog criminal movie. Yeah, that's me. Oh, all right. Oh, you're stabbing me. Okay, that's appropriate. Oh, here's where we meet Kurt Fuller because of course Kurt Fuller is in this movie. I think the moment someone thought, hey, maybe an escaped circus dog could go on a cross-country adventure, like Kurt Fuller just appeared in the room and said,

I'm here to read for the role of the villain in that treatment you're thinking of. Kurt Fuller is here to play the villain in that dog thing. I think it's kind of a failed deal with the devil. Like he was like, I want to be a big TV star, big movie star. And the devil is like, just sign here. And then in the fine print at the bottom, only in dog movies as the villain.

And Hulk Hogan counts as a dog. You'll be in all the Hulk Hogan pictures. You're absolutely right about that. That really, some things really clicked here that Hulk Hogan counts as a dog. Only in the movies, like in his fictional movies, You're absolutely right about that. That really, some things really clicked me that Hulk Hogan counts as a dog. Only in the movies, like in his fictional movies, if Hulk Hogan's role was played by a dog,

a hundred percent of them would work. Most of his dialogue in No Holds Barred is identical to Bingo's. It's just barking. It's just growling. It's just barking. It makes so much sense. Podcast over.

We solved another problem. There is a scene where Bingo does pushups in a G string. No, I'm not going to say that next joke I was going to say. All right. Jamie, cut that horrible thing Brockway said. All right. So Bingo stumbles across Kurt Fuller and his partner, criminals in an RV who have kidnapped a family. And because this is the terrible universe we live in, his partner immediately says, like, let's club that dog to death.

He just hates dogs. Everybody just hates dogs in this universe. He leans out the window and is like, hey, a dog. A dog. Let's kill it. Let's kill it. Yeah, kill that dog, Kurt Fuller. We just stole it from an armored car. We gotta keep it low profile. Let's just murder a dog so we blend in.

Kurt Fuller's the nice one. He takes him in and is like, oh, we may be monsters, but we still love dogs. That doesn't last. Bingo escapes and calls the police, at which point he taps Morris Code, which seems much even for this movie that we're establishing that he speaks perfect English and can- Knows math and like, yeah, at this point he taps Morris Code, which seems much even for this movie that we're establishing that he speaks perfect English

and can- Knows math and like, yeah, at this point, like shitting in the driveway, that was just a power move. Yeah, you know what you're doing. You know what that means. Yeah, you know what you did. There's something here I had in my notes. The older brother figures out that he's leaving

a piss trail for the dog to follow, which I found to be way too smart for this kid. Like he's like, oh, the kid's peeing again. My God, I know what this is. He's leaving a dog trail for that fucking dog that I just met. Too smart. It was like you said earlier, he's read the script.

He knows what his role is in this movie. It's very strange. Knows later that the hat that Bingo brings him is Chuckie's hat. Yeah, he knows everything. Is a dog psychologist a brings him is Chucky's hat. Yeah, he knows everything. Is a dog psychologist a thing? I think that's probably that's what he's born to do. Dog psychology or dog psychic almost,

because it doesn't seem like he has the information necessary to come to these conclusions. He's a tick tock dog psychic. He's right. So Bingo escapes, calls the police and frees the family and even attacks one of the criminals to save the daughter. And so the family gets away just as the police arrive. And so what are the criminals to do except for take Bingo hostage? They take the fucking dog hostage and hold a revolver to his head in this children's movie.

Cock back the hammer. They're ready to blow the dog's brains out explicitly. It's a recreation of the lampoon cover, right? Because isn't he the same kind of dog? I don't remember. Is he? I can't actually know. You're right, it's not the same kind of dog. Maybe that's the rep. I got your human brain is looking for references.

What the joke here is, is that they're holding the dog hostage as if it's a human. Like, we'll kill the dog if you don't let us go. And the cops live in this universe, so they do not care. So they're like, open fire, kill that fucking hostage. It's just a dog. They're shooting like they're trying to hit the dog. Like, they fill this trailer with bullets. Yeah, they have automatic weapons

and riddle the trailer with bullets. Like, let's just kill everybody in there including that fucking dog. They don't somehow and the family is so grateful for Bingo saving them they're gonna take him home as a reward, which Chuckie sees on the news and screams bloody murder like it's the worst thing that's ever happened. Even though that would mean he at least knows where to find the dog then, which he does. He mails a letter to the dog. Yeah, I don't think they gave their address on TV. So I put in my notes, how does he know where this family lives?

I get that he saw them on TV. He mails it to the TV station. Oh, okay, okay. Like it says, care of channel four or something. That's good writing. I'm glad that there's a real answer. Speaking of good writing, the letter, his plan, right, is for Bingo to follow the scent of the letter

from mailbox to mailbox to lead him to him. I don't think that's his plan. Yeah, that happens later. Oh, that happens later. Okay, I was just, okay, well, I guess that means that he pissed on the letter, right? Oh, for sure. This kid would be so brilliant if he did that. I don't think he did that. Yeah, they didn't show that.

I think he's like- A hundred percent. Well, he did do that, but he had no idea that it would lead Bingo to him. He was just doing that. He'd at least have so much piss on his hands when he wrote that letter. Yeah. I think it's more like everything he interacts with at this point is just covered in his piss.

Just in a haze of piss. Yeah. Like the kid from Charlie Brown, but with piss. Piss pen. Little piss pen with his piss clouds following him everywhere. Here's something a good movie would have done better is that they need to establish that Bingo's new home sucks. And they kind of tried to do that by showing the creepy twin girls have dressed him up

like a baby and he doesn't seem very happy about it. But like a good movie would do like a Cinderella type thing and they're like evil dog owners and like they got to rescue Bingo. But they kind of don't establish that. I think at least you get half a point on this quiz for like thinking of that, like, oh, we should establish this is bad. But then they're like, no, no, we have to bail on that.

It's important that we get to the second dog prison segment of this movie. This is good writing because we know the letter's coming to the dog. And so then they come and they deliver a letter to the dog, but it's not the letter, it's a subpoena and that's a genuine twist. I was like, what the fuck?

What does this mean? So dogs can be held accountable for their crimes in the human justice system and are punished as humans. He has a social security number, right? That's what that means. He must. Yeah. He must. Is this a racial metaphor?

I hope not. I hope not. I have so many notes here. So let me try to explain. He's called as a witness against Kurt Faller and his partner, which is strange because they're like 250 eyewitnesses and most of them are cops. There's no question these guys did the crimes they did.

They do just a bunch of fucking gags. Like the defense attorney says, hey, read back the notes from the witness. And the court reporter goes bark, bark, bark, bark. It's amazing. It's like a Soviet era Russia answer to Saturday Night Live. It's just this joyless, mirthless, technical humor. So then the defense attorney also just starts introducing evidence.

He's like, here's a bunch of poop. It puts you at the armored car robbery. The footprint. Yes. And then the other attorney at the DA is like, dude, objection, the dog's not in trial. It's a fucking witness. You can't just introduce new evidence. But the judge is like, hey, buddy, this is your fault. You introduced the witness in the first place, it's a fucking witness. You can't just introduce new evidence. But the judge is like, hey buddy, this is your fault.

You introduced the witness in the first place and it's a dog. So there's no fucking reason left in the universe. We're gonna let the madness play out. Really need to point out that at the beginning of the scene, the defense attorney says like, what, you can't bring a dog in here, like overruled. We're gonna hear the dog out.

And then it turns out his entire case is based on the dog. Yep. So, okay. So it's like, even in this universe, there's consequences to being stupid. It's like, you case is based on the dog. Yep. So, okay, so it's like even in this universe, there's consequences to being stupid. It's like you brought a dog to the stand, so now we have to find a way to punish you. Anyway, the dog has no alibi for the armored car robber because he can no longer talk.

So like, where were you when the armored car got robbed and the dog's like bark, bark, bark. They're like, that doesn't fucking mean anything. You go to jail for contempt of court. But instead of jail, they put him in like full on regular human prison. Prison? And it's-

They put him in human prison. He's in prison. Like he's working in the laundry room. As they're escorting him in, we do the standard prison scene where all of the inmates cat call and whistle because here's the sexy new fish because they're gonna fuck this dog.

I did not like that. I had that in my notes. We see what Bingo does to dicks. Yeah. So, for the second time, there is a dog prison escape in this movie. Just, can you imagine turning in a script where there is multiple dog prison escape scenes, and nobody anywhere in the point is like, do we need the second one? Wait, do we need the, wait, what are we doing?

Do we need the fifth piss scene? Whoops, I asked questions and now it's tracing right back to the beginning. What the fuck is this? What have you done? So there's a rule of threes even with prison breaks, there should be a third dog prison escape. See, here's the part that fucked me up about this

is the dog got the letter in the prison and he had a cellmate open it because now all of a sudden Bingo can't read. That weirded me out because I was sure the dog could just read. He knows Morse code. Right, he can do Morse code. He reads the phone book later.

Yeah, he does. He reads the phone book later. So what the fuck? So anyway, he's reading this letter to the dog and it's like, it's written by a little boy. It's like, Bingo, I am your boy. We will be happy together and happy. All you need to see me to be happy forever is,

and then Kurt Fuller tears the letter away. Like as if there was some sort of a secret this little boy knew to be like, here's how you get out of prison using the magic of dog owner or whatever the fuck. That's the, this thing that we're now missing. It's like, oh, okay, we need to find them. We need to get that letter back from Kurt Fuller,

but he eats it. Fucking incredible, incredible that he eats the letter. Yeah, he knows that there's a secret to escaping prison for dogs on the letter. If they've established that and accepted that Bingo has framed them for the armored car robbery, which is why Bingo's in prison. Why are they also in prison?

I think for any of the other charges, I'm sure that that wasn't just armored car robbery because they did like kidnap that family. So it wasn't to get themselves off, they just wanted to take Bingo down with them. Right. Yeah. Okay. It's a weird defense. Let's get to the prison knife fight in our dog adventure movie.

Because there is one. So this bingo cellmate squares off against Kurt Fuller, and Kurt Fuller pulls a switchblade on him because everybody just has switchblades. Cellmate pulls a bigger knife. Another one pulls a machete, and then every prisoner in here starts just pulling knives and getting ready to stab everybody else. Again, dog adventure movie. Somebody wrote, homeward bound.

Bingo bails on his cellmate here. Did you notice that? Like the knife comes out and then Bingo jumps into a trash can to hide. It's not the first, it's not the last time he will do this. Prison friendships, man. Prison friendships only last as long as they serve you. Bigel helps those who help themselves. The dog is supposed to stay, but for some reason, this trained movie dog runs when he sees a knife.

Yeah. I just love that there's a mass prison knife fight in Homeward Bound, and this guy's like, I'm gonna write a Homeward Bound spoof. Remember the knife fight? No. Yeah, we're gonna put some machetes in there, right? There were some machetes in Homeward Bound and this guy's like, I'm gonna write a Homeward Bound spoof. Remember the knife fight? No. Yeah, we're gonna put some machetes in there, right? There was machetes in Homeward Bound.

They're still doing fucking Marmaduke bits because the dog jumps in the middle to like break up the knife fight. And then the prison guard sees like just a hundred swords and machetes and he runs down there and the thing he's mad about, he's like, who's doing all that barking? But there's only the one dog, and that's the joke.

But it's like, I don't understand what the foundation is from that joke. It's just... And freeze on the exact moment this punchline lands, which is a dog in the middle, a prison guard angrily pointing at him, and 25 prisoners with machetes surrounding him, and then the New Yorker caption at the bottom says, who's doing all that barking? Yes. What does that barking? Yes. What does that mean? That means nothing.

Why? What? Is it a statement about how prison guards only care when there's a dog intruder and not, because of not over violence? Is it a racial thing? Is it a racial thing? It's gotta be a racial thing.

Is an inmate directly behind the guard looks exactly like David Crosby? That might mean something. That has to mean something. Is there like a very clumsily concealed ARG in this movie? Is that why it's so weird? Like you should be picking up the clues where you're like, oh, okay. If I, if I tally up each of those, each of those knives that they're

trying to stab the dog with. This is that if we, we, we solve a kidnapping by cracking this ARG. There's somebody locked in a safe somewhere. We're supposed to have a light gun to shoot all these machetes to get tally up the points at the end of the movie. So they break out of prison that night and Bingo follows the mail trail back to Chucky's hotel where he obviously- The letter he pissed on.

The letter he pissed on, he follows the piss through the postal service, which you can't do that. It's soaked with piss. Everything in there is soaked. Soaked head to... it's the pissiest part of the United States government. Everybody knows that. It's the most piss soaked. To demonstrate his journey, they like play... I can't remember, like countryads or I've Been Everywhere or something, some sort of a travel song. I think it's Country Roads. He goes from Death Valley to Anchorage. He finally finds the mailbox where the letter was sent, but it was sent to the TV station, not prison. So it's just a lot to forgive. You're telling me the post office sent a letter to a dog with the wrong address to dog living under a different name, and then forwarded to a prison in a different state. I'm fine with a dog speaking English, but

this is fucking crazy. Somebody take the clip of Sean just saying everything he just said, because it's the craziest anybody has ever sounded. I'm almost certain that's exactly what happened. I'll have to hear the playback, but I'm pretty sure that's exactly what happened. What you said up top is this movie's goal is to simulate the experience of having a stroke and that was you saying everything you just said. I think I might have said that he's living under a different name because the other family that adopted him after the kidnapping did not call him Bingo. They were arguing over his name.

So when they found him in that home, they had no reason to think he was Bingo. So they had no reason to give him a letter addressed to bingo the dog However, he's wearing a collar the entire film that says bingo on it. Okay. Yeah, that's like I well I'm just like all the people they try to give him different names. It's like it's uh, maybe it's the one on his collar You're right. It's uh It's a perfect movie. I fucked up. You're right It's a perfect movie I fucked up. You're right. That's it.

All right. So Bingo passes out at the hotel and in front of what I think, I think is implied to be a prostitute, right? She is dressed in lingerie. She's holding a Dr. Doom remote. Holding like a bomb remote? She's wearing a doomsday device. What is the implication?

This was a dildo and then they're like, let's just change it to something. Oh, it was the walkie-talkie change in ET. This was originally a dildo, and they changed all dildos in the movie Bingo. Steven Spielberg came in and digitally changed it to a Dr. Doom bomb. Only there was just the one, so you're left wondering what the fuck is going on. Why does that prostitute have a death ray? I don't understand. So, Baco passes out at a hotel and they bring him to a hospital to do a nose transplant, and Chucky wakes up in a cold sweat. Like this is a nightmare.

Right, like they're psychically linked to dog anesthesia or something. Was it a nightmare? I genuinely can't tell because the actual world is so out of its mind. I think that word for word, my notes is like, I think in a movie this is framed like, oh no, that was just a nightmare. That's not what actually happened to Bingo.

But there's no way of knowing with the logic you've established so far in this movie, that is not out of line. That's like the fourth tamest thing in this movie so far. And I think we do see that doctor at the end. So I think he did get a Doberman's nose transplanted into his face. Yep. The whole ending is obviously, I'm just going to spoil it, it's obviously another death. There's nothing else it could be. And I'm sure we'll make that point strongly later. But so the hooker makes bingo,

a cold cream and jelly sandwich because he loves cold cream. We've established that. And she knows this. Here's where like it cuts to the criminals finding that box in the trash and eating the cold cream out of the trash. Now this is like,

That means, I guess what troubles me is this, this shows that the screenplay has been sort of fussed over there. Like let's let's have all these little transitions between scenes that it's this is a very polished, like writing style to transition between scenes like this in a way that bothered me because the movie is so fucking crazy. It feels like someone tinkered with it To get it this crazy. They're tracking bingo with a with their own trader dog If we've established dogs are smart enough, which I'm not totally on board with but if so This dog is a fucking trader race trader. Exactly

Helping them track to murder bingo So bingo gets off in Green Bay finally and he looks up the family in a phone book, because he can read now, and he gets to their house. We get a real close-up on Hal and his wife just dirtily foot-fucking each other on the front porch. It's real gross. Didn't like that? Didn't like it. That's what it says in my notes.

Didn't like it. Didn't like the dirty feet just intertwined and thrusting. Couldn't have done without that. Because she doesn't seem into it. Like she married him in spite of his foot thing, not because of them. But we've established all he is his foot thing. His whole character is foot thing.

Maybe he was a man once and has devolved. There was something in the scene right before this that I wanted to call out real quick. It's just that we see that Chucky loves dogs so much and he just has dog wallpaper. Like his room is just covered in pictures of dogs. First thing he got in the new Green Bay home. It's mood wallpaper.

Whatever Chucky is desperate for at that time, it just changes around him. Because as we've established, this is all within his dying brain. And that's one of the messages trying to be sent to him. That explains why the next scene the wallpaper wallpaper changes just his father's foot. His father's foot, his father's foot. Exactly. So Bingo sees Chucky and runs up like,

oh yeah, he's back, but oh no, Chucky's walking another dog. So Bingo turns around and leaves, totally dejected, even though Chucky was just walking the dog for the neighbor. Gives up real easy. He just went like a thousand miles to get here. Doesn't wait three seconds. People own two dogs, Bingo, you fucking idiot.

It could be the brother's dog. Yeah, it's the neighbor's dog. Yeah, he's just taking the neighbor's dog for a walk because he loves dogs that much. Right. His room is covered in pictures of them. This is enough for Bingo to contemplate suicide. You're right. He's staring out at the bay. He goes to the bay, and it seems like a contemplating suicide scene to me.

And then he wanders the night alone, too much of a coward to even end it on his own terms. Eventually starts eating out of a dumpster and- Rock bottom for Bingo. This is how employment works in this universe, is you go outside of your restaurant and you catch a dog eating out of the dumpster and you say, hey, I gotta give this dog a job.

No, no, no, he says you have to earn your keep. So no free dumpster for you. How dare you eat my trash. Instead I will give you a job as a dishwasher licking all of the plates clean. Very slowly. This is being a ratatouille, you son of a bitch. What's he doing?

Bring it in straight up to lick plates. Let's see, now he's in the system, you see? So now Kurt Fuller can find him because he has a job, he has an employment. So Kurt Fuller is putting up reward posters with like this childlike drawing of Bingo. So then some kids, the actual dishwasher who's jealous of Bingo, goes up to Kirk Fowler.

He's like, hey, this dog is working as the assistant dishwasher at the cafe, not, my God, this amazing dog has a job, like unto a human being. He's just like, yeah, man, I know that dog shape you drew. He licks eggs, he licks my eggs. Fucking madness. I think I lost my mind again.

He's gonna get promoted ahead of me to head egg licker. I'm glad you landed on that too. That means that that boy's job is to lick the plates clean. Yes, and he's jealous this dog now has it. He's trying to sabotage a co-worker. Because he's jealous of how well the dog is doing at plate licking, which is again his human job, because he was also caught eating out of the dumpster out back. And the rules of this universe demand that he know. Okay, so they abduct Bingo from work right as Chucky arrives,

and Chucky in a blind rage, in a scene I actually love, just pedals as hard as he can at them, screaming just bloody murder and rams them in the dicks with his bike and takes them down and then leaps on top of them and tries to bash them to death with his tiny fist. I gotta give it to Chucky, he goes hard here. Yep. Does not win. No, absolutely not.

These are two adult men. But he got the blood rage and just no self-preservation, not even really for the dog, just kill. And they immediately take him out. Bingo leaves him for dead. Bingo. Yes, again, he runs off and hides. Runs off and hides.

Bingo's looking out for number one here. And then is quickly overcome with regret and agrees to follow the car to try to get them back. And this is a fun reveal because they're telling the kid, hey, we're gonna kill you. He's like, hey, my dad's gonna beat you up. He is the kicker a fun reveal because they're like telling the kid, hey, we're going to kill you. He's like, hey, my dad's going to beat you up.

He is the kicker for Green Bay. They're like, I know that guy. He fucking sucks. But this gives them the idea for a game fixing scheme. He's like, oh, he kicks for football team. We can like use this to like fix a bet. And then we reveal that the dog is on the roof. We're not like, oh, yeah, things will be fine now.

Especially since they take Chucky, the kid, to a remote warehouse and we see that they are building a bomb, which seems, even for this movie, a little bit of an escalation. Like you're going to explode the child now. Also, do we know how they got out of jail? No. They just escaped. It was like they just expulsed it like,

we escaped jail to kill the dog. Like, they squeezed that in the middle of a sentence. We never should have been in jail, it turns out, because we framed the dog for our crimes. So they let us go. No, they're escaped convicts. Okay. I promise, I put that in my nose.

I believe you. Okay. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. It's important. It's important to get that down. I'm more focused on the we're going to murder a child now. We're going to murder a child and a dog for the millionth time. We do another another bit.

God, I just how do I do this justice? So we are going to murder a child. We have a bomb. We have a ticking bomb We're gonna blow up this child and bingo takes this awful awful moment to Grab Chuckie's hat and he runs back to the family to try to convince them like look follow me. I have his hat I'm obviously the dog you looked at and saw

Remember when you tried to kill yourselves running from me, so you all recognize me. They established that because Cindy Williams sees the dog and asks the dog, who are you? To the dog. And he gives an unsatisfactory answer. Yeah, she decides he's a solicitor, the dog, and tells him to go away. So what is the dog to do? Wait, it's time for a callback. What was the first set of skills we learned about him? That's right, he strips children on command. So now he's going to run back

and forth, stealing more and more of the child's clothes as he grows increasingly nude while tied to a bomb. It was always going to end this way. For poor Chucky. Was it? For poor Chucky. When you put it like that, it sounds like a weird movie. I think the fortune teller told Chucky, like, I foresee a dark future where you are repeatedly stripped by dogs while a ticking clock ticks by on a nearby bomb. Chucky's just like, this is the worst fortune teller I've ever met. I'd like my money back.

bomb. Chuck is just like, I, this is the worst fortune teller I've ever been to. I'd like my money back. So Big O comes back with the clothes and they get a call from the kidnapper saying, we have Chuckie and Hal has to miss all of his field goals or we'll kill your son. Again, a crazy thing to say in this movie. Four children, a very dark, very dark thing to say in this movie for children. A very dark, very dark thing to say. And the mom puts it all together. The dog, oh my god, the dog must be working for the kidnappers delivering one piece of his clothing at a time because they're stripping this child nude while he's strapped to the bar. Yeah, I hate that they come up with a crazy plan, but it's crazy in the wrong direction.

If she would have guessed what was happening, I would have said, that's fucking crazy. But the fact that she made a confident guess about something else that's equally crazy is frustrating in like an extra way. So Bingo obviously understands none of this is working. All of this was pointless. I'd stripped this child for no reason. It worked once, it worked really well before,

but not this time. So he returns to the warehouse. They almost died to a bear before, it never works. So he returns to the warehouse to just maul the kidnappers, which I guess was on the table the whole time, because it seems to work real well. He eats a dick. Bites his dick for a full minute.

Kurt Fuller just watches, he just watched his partner get devoured dick first by this super smart dog. What else can you do, man? You'd be frozen in place. The fortune teller was right. Before he bites the dick, Bingo is stalking them like a beekeeper.

Like he's doing a level of Arkham Asylum and he's just like vanishing into shadows and like dropping distraction noises and shit. It's amazing. He drops a shoe. Yeah. Drawing them out like solid snakes who can snap their necks. No, no.

So he can eat their dicks. It would be like a solid snake leapt out and ate all of their dicks, which I think I've seen that online. Yeah, you got to get the DLC. We do see him eating a sausage earlier, that's like the first thing that Chucky feeds him, so it's a bit of foreshadowing. See, that's what I mean!

It's a polished screenplay. Yeah. Makes it worse. Bullets proof. It makes it so much worse. So, he is just, I guess, captured off-screen, because it seems like he's fucking whipping their ass. Like, he's eating a man's dick,

and psychologically destroyed him. He's Arkham Asylum. These poor, poor men. I wrote what the fuck when he was captured, when they cut back and he's just captured off camera. I'm like, what? He was winning the hell out of that fight. Yeah, they established these guys didn't have a chance. And then all of a sudden he's tied up beside Chucky and the bomb is counting down. So they're going to murder both of them, even though Hal is missing all of his field goals and complying with their demands. Then they leave the child.

He said the bomb is big enough to level a city block and maybe he's exaggerating, but I was like, that seems like it would take a lot of dynamite. So I Googled how much dynamite does it take to blow up a city block, which is genuinely like Google knew I was up to something. So like, it was like when when you Google the word suicide, it's like, hey, what are you concerned about? I don't think you should be Googling this. It was like that, but more aggressive.

Like, hey, fucking the FBI can read what you're typing right now. I'm like, no, I just wanna know the number to know how crazy the dog movie is. No, for bingo, for bingo. The nude peepee boy dog movie. Let me just add that to my Google search. Nude boy city block dynamite.

You're right, this is the movie that gets you taken down. After all these years, connection suddenly gets really slow. There's a little linchpin in the Rico case against Sean, against Sean's search results specifically. If you put them all together. Can you imagine how I would have to hide my head the whole time they read that in court?

I'd be like, oh my god. Oh, I can explain. I can't explain that one. You'd have to... I can explain. I have a careful filing system. That sounds worse. That sounds worse. Okay, okay.

That one is what it sounds like. That one is, but the rest... Oh, shit. So, okay. So they've got... they've tied up the child and his dog and are going to explode them seems dark and then Because I guess they remembered wait no we have to pay off bingos for its trauma arc They also set the place on fire Which seems like it seems like a lot

So it's burning down and set to explode right as the mom arrives with the cops and Chicky, the brother, who explicitly saw Chucky in the warehouse. He realized what was going on. He ran up, he looked in the window and was like, there's my brother, they're holding him hostage here. But when they arrive with all the cops, he's like, he doesn't say a fucking word. So the cops start chasing the kidnappers. Yeah, they specifically choose not to rescue the boy. Yeah, and they choose not to rescue the child instead opting to kill the kidnappers. They've got that, he's got, Chucky has the blood thirst but it's hereditary. They

just want the deaths. They want justice. So it's up to Bingo. Bingo starts untying Chucky, but remember, due to his PTSD, he has trouble making the jump to the fire alarm, which they decide is a better plan than untying him, which it's not Just as just as Chucky passes out from smoke inhalation the second time this boy has been Asphyxiated to death in this movie bingo rallies and he decides I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it for Chucky. He jumps over through the hoop and they're like, yes That dog has overcome one of his traumas. One of his many traumas. One of the 150 traumas that have happened to him

in this movie. Another weird choice by the writer and director is when he sees this fire, he has another flashback, another PTSD flashback, but not to the source of the fear, not to the pet store fire, but to the humiliation at the circus when he was having his previous flashback to a pet store fire. So, like, all of these things are, like, stacks of trauma

that he has to process every time he sees fire. So now when he sees fire, he'll remember the time, you know, the boy was dying, and he was remembering the circus when he was remembering his dead mother. It's how we know that the dog is bothered more by his own cowardice than the trauma itself. Which means this whole movie is a shame's butter, because he runs from every threat in every scene. The bear, the dog murderer, the other dog murderer, the several other dog murderers. The ensuing dog murderers. And the dog murderer. I mean, he murderers. The ensuing dog murderers. And the dog murderer.

I mean, he's right. He's right too. The whole world is dog murderers. This is, particularly if you're a dog, yeah, you should run. This is the rage virus, but only for dogs. Like the rage virus zombies escaped and only when I kill dogs. There are only dogs are living in 28 days later

in this universe. But they're also, they can live the normal life. It's the only thing different is that when But they're also, they can live the normal life. It's the only thing different is that when they see a dog, they kill it. So firefighters have, I want to say barely rescue Chucky. He looks rough. They're giving him oxygen. And he tells them, oh shit, wait, there's a bomb right here.

So instead of fleeing this abandoned, burned down warehouse that nobody gives a shit about, they make Bingo run away with the bomb so that he can explode off screen. You're skipping how like, there's like five identical suitcases and one of them has the bomb. They're like, how will we ever know which one has the bomb? Like, you can't fucking pick them up and see which one has 750 pounds of TNT in it.

I did finally get the result. Oh, that's how they're gonna get you. But the dog like does a little thing. He does a little point like, oh, it's in this suitcase. I'm using my keen dog senses to detect the bomb in the five senses. We could have just fucking lifted a couple of them by now. See, I skipped it because they set up the problem

and dismissed it in the same sentence. How will we do this? So the dog's pointing, wait, the dog has it, wait, the dog's gone, hurrah. But it took a bite out of my brain and my sanity and so I had to say it. So Hal is ready to make his field goal because as they stand down with the kidnappers who still have the remote for this bomb, the police lie to Hal. They call Hal and say, we've got your son, he's perfectly safe. You need to make that field goal because it's more important that this football game goes well

and your son might die and that's fine. A good bit, that the town cares more about the Green Bay Packers winning they do about the life of this boy. Loved it. That checks out. Yeah, yeah. I'll check that one out.

I think it's true, that's a real parody of a real thing that like you could accuse a person of. Yeah. I genuinely laughed at that when he said that into the radio. We all agree the sanest moment of this movie is when the police call a father to lie to him about the life of his child in order to win a football game.

We're like, yeah, that's the one reasonable thing that happens here. And it is. I like how that was still missing a couple layers of complexity. Like this movie is pretty intense in like the things that are happening. And like the layers of stakes just in this moment are, it's, I guess it's four or five. Like it's pretty...

The fire, the bomb, the game, the standoff with the terrorists, and the standoff between the mom and the sheriff because she wants to tell the truth. So yeah. It's wild. It's like Inception. Yes. I will give you, it's put together very well. But what you've put together is human shit. Like you've assembled an Eiffel Tower out of human shit.

And I'm very impressed, but it's impressive. It's written by a skillful and trained and tactical like madman, I guess. Lunatic, yeah. A talented lunatic made this movie. I'm impressed, but you're still going in for the lobotomy, whoops. That's how we got Bingo.

They take the kid to see Bingo who, the kid is in the hospital, Chucky's in the hospital, obviously. And they take the kid to see Bingo who, I guess survived and is in the human hospital. And the rest of this shot is very, very strange and dreamy and done in a very smooth kind of dollied way where we follow the kid down the- The last shot at Titanic.

Yeah, we follow the kid down the hallway and then as he slowly realizes, all of the people Bingo interacted with are there to wish him well, even though every single one of them remorselessly tried to imprison him, drown him, shoot him, burn him or butcher him for his meat. Let's go through it. It's the family who adopted him after the like, what, the fourth kidnapping, the cafe owner of the hooker, the judge, the dog meat eaters, he drove into a trailer, and killed the two main bad guys who've been trying to murder

him for the last hour, their attorney, the one who sent him to jail, his cellmate is there, still a wanted felon. Yeah, he probably shouldn't be in public like that. Yes, standing right next to the entire chef's department, and the circus performers who conspired to murder him. Fucking, what the fucking fuck is happening? This is our final... our final death. I think Bingo did not make that jump in that warehouse. And this is...

Yeah, even for this movie, that has to be what they're communicating. Yeah. This is his smoke-clogged brain coughing one last time. Like, all of these people despised him. They were just... it's his brain trying to say everything's okay now, they can't hurt you anymore. Some of them are dead, some of them you murdered. You did kill those two people. And they wanted you to be dead, so badly.

So this is just like, as his brain shuts down, this is the final vision that he gives himself. And there can be no other logical way for all of those people to be there. Some of them just aren't there. So that's what's happening, only if you trace it back up, kick up through the layers. It's also the dying child in the fire, it's also when he drowned, it's just several layers of ego death. It's like a game of telephone, where you think you remember Homeward Bound, and then you filter it through several dying human brains, and this is what comes out. This is what comes out at the end, at the very end of all things.

If 15 people having a stroke, you tell the one on the far left, explain homeward bound to the man to your left. And then the dying words of the guy on the far right. Are the exact plot. Word for word of Bingo. But also, we got it. Also, he's a trained screenwriter.

He's like a very educated academic scholar of film. That's the movie. That's how they made this movie. And then as we mentioned earlier, the kids, Chuckie says, can I keep him dead? And the dad says, share son, just as soon as we have him neutered.

Whoa, stay tuned for Bingo's big fix or not. Einstein Hundert, Frankfurt. Frankfurt. Einstein Hundert, Frankfurt. Frankfurt. Our podcast is great. And with maximum cheer. Does Frankfurt podcast?

Correct. Yes. The power is not bad, it is not without. Send it to the dog zone, for an hour! Come on, you know the number! 1-900 1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-Loyer

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Skeletor. Ah, he's not getting it. Let's send him to live with the Navajo, everybody!