The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 184, Captain Alcohol with Bryan Stratton

Episode Date: July 17, 2024

Seanbaby foolishly thaws Brockway and guest, Bryan Stratton, who immediately go on a drunken rampage. Just like in Captain Al Cohol, the 1973 public service comic book about the dangers of Inuit alcoholism that accidentally invented the first superhero who fuckin' parties.

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I'm your host today. TV's Sean, maybe from the internet. And my partner is Anchorage Herald's four time runner up for Yum Yum Eskimo Pie Boy, the great Robert Brockway. And there is not a lot of competition for that. That's a, that one hurts. I can't lie. That one hurts.

Yeah. Here's a Brockway fact. I'm a superhero. No follow up questions. That one hurts. I can't lie, that one hurts. Here's a Brockway fact. I'm a superhero. No follow-up questions. Our returning guest from one of the top 10 chronological Marvel Comics reading podcasts, Marvel By The Month, it's my old friend Brian Stratton. Welcome back! Hey, thank you so much for having me.

Yeah, just made it into the top 10, and thank you for mentioning that. That's really, my entire life has led up to this point. You do have a very good podcast. Well, thank you very much. I'm on it all the time. I was going to say it's best when you're on it. But yes, we yeah, we appreciate having you. And I appreciate you bringing me in for this thing. I mean, I sort of appreciate it.

We'll get to that. You didn't. You do get some legitimate comic legends on before we get to our what we're talking about today. Your podcast is, like I said, very good. And you get crazy comic legends on before we get to our what we're talking about today. Your podcast is, like I said, very good and you get crazy comic legends on all the time. I'm very jealous of your booking. Thank you very much. When does this one drop? Should be two weeks?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, about two weeks. All right. Well, we're coming up on episode 250, which I think will come out the week after this. And we're going to have a couple big names on there as we talk about Giant-sized X-Men number one. So there you go. Oh shit. Yeah, that's my self-promotional bit for this episode Yeah, they're secret. You're not gonna tell us. Well, we haven't recorded it yet. So in the unlikely event that one

drops out or both You know and then we scramble and have to figure something else out. So if Chris Claremont isn't there, he's a fucker. He said he'd be there. OK, today we are talking about comics. It's something we wrote about recently on the site. It's a 1973 comic produced by the Canadian government to prevent alcoholism in the Inuit population. There's no way it sincerely helped anyone and it completely rules. It was the incredible coming of Captain Alka Hall. You got to say that space extra hard. Yeah. I'm not going to be able to keep doing it, but there is a space in his name. He's

Al and his last name is Cahal. That's the best part. Like a Silver HDC villain. Yeah. It's also something of the title treatment does not make super obvious on the comic itself either. So yeah, it's wild. There's nothing like it. It's so stupid and lazy, right? But in a way that seems sarcastic in modernized, like on Cracked on our side, I do a series called Man Comics, where I redoubled comics to be rad and funny. People love my zaniness. I don't even know what I would change with this. my zaniness, then I don't even know what I would change with this. It is Captain Alcohol's it's fucking he's raging all the fucking time. His alcoholism is maximum and violent, and he's also hilarious coward.

It's just so funny. There's a system to these. And if you especially in the 70s, but going on into the 80s and even 90s, there was a lot of very special issues where like a superhero would tackle some sort of sensitive issue affecting mostly kids and occasionally they would make the superhero just for the captain, captain depression or whatever. Now the system they used for that it was always the same it was always here's this guy that

comes along to battle that thing and like the villain, the villain is that thing. So if you hear there's a captain superhero guy that is here to fight the problem alcoholism, right? He's going to be punching the villain who is alcoholism, who is professor alcoholism. He's going to punch him right in the face and we're going to show the kids that this is not the way to live. That's not what they did. No. This is the only one I've ever seen where that's not what they did. And what they did was, the superhero himself, the good guy, the main protagonist of this comic book,

the whole reason for it existing, is a superhero. He's got superpowers, and he's drunk as fuck all the time. I would argue they tried to do allegories. Like some of this is like, okay, this is a metaphor for a thing. But also some of it's very literal. Some of it they seem confused about. It's such high art. I love it. I want to talk about the first narration box because it says,

it calls him a man who everybody fears. And rightfully so. In a real abstract sense, because for the most part, every single person who meets him in this comic fucks him up, like, and has no fear of him. They're like, oh, you're a superhero from the stars? I can take you with this half a beer bottle. And they're often not wrong.

Yeah, they're not wrong at all. Maybe they should fear him though, because the effect he has on most of the people's lives that he encounters is not good. Yeah. He doesn't make anything better anywhere he goes. Yeah, he's not gonna, he's not there, they don't fear him because he's gonna fuck them up.

They fear him because like, he's gonna fuck up the power system to the village. And that's way worse. Right. He's driven almost entirely by greed and addiction. He has no good qualities. He kind of stumbles into heroism vaguely. Let me continue the first narration box

because it'll explain it. Says he has, he's blessed with the superpowers of an alien. He goes on a rampage. People shiver in their kameks. Kameeks? I'm not sure how to say it. Faces turn chalk white. Who is this man? What is his purpose? The questions will be answered. Citizens of the Far North. But not now. Not before we witness the coming of Captain Al Kohal. I wouldn't change a word of that. If I was trying to be funny, that's fucking perfect. I really want to stress that going forward

so that we don't have to keep saying that because we will keep saying that. This, there's no way to distinguish this from the exact parodies that we have done. And it's real. It's totally sincere. It is not a spoof. Or if it is a spoof,

it's one of those spoofs that they fucked up so hard. You're not even sure what they're referencing. It's incredible. And I just want to say, we did write an article. We wrote a teamworking day, which is, if you're not following the site, that's where Sean and I both cooperate to write about this one thing that's too crazy for us to tackle alone. And the way we introduced the article was we just had this text box, the first narration box, and then the cover of it. And then I want to say the paragraph after that, we were like, okay, remember, this is real.

And still in the comments, people were like, you needed to tell me this was real earlier. Like first thing, you can't show somebody... No one reads the intro. Yeah. Yeah. You can't show somebody one panel of this without explaining first what I am about to show you is real because they won't believe it. And why should they?

It's indistinguishable from the hardest I've ever worked to be funny. And everyone involved in the production of this, as far as I can tell, this is the only comics related stuff they ever did. So, I mean, talk about beginner's luck. They just hit the mark right at the first time out of the gate. This is incredible, incredible effort. You say incredible effort, but it is really life-felting in its lack of effort sometimes. They never draw a background.

The artist often forgets what setting they're in or what's going on. They seem to be having a lot of arguments, the writer and the artist often forgets what setting they're in or what's going on. They seem to be having a lot of arguments, the writer and the artist, about what's technically happening in a picture. The writer might come in and say, I'm not actually tied up right now. Somebody fucking drew the wrong thing. But like the equivalent of that.

So anyway, the drawing is terrible. Hard to tell what's going on, but at the start of this, an egg hatches, I think, or maybe the entirety of the Arctic cracks open. It's like a big globe. I think it might be Earth. It could just be an ice egg. But Snowdome, maybe?

But you're right, that could also be the Earth. That's not a great start for the first page. When is this set exactly? Is this in some far distant future ice age when the entire world has been frozen? Nope, it's modern day. It's just modern day Arctic Circle. Okay. Yeah, 1973. What's the other set? Nova Scotia is on the east, what's on the west?

The Yukon. The Yukon, thank you. It's all based in the Northwest Territories in general. Yes. general. It's produced by the Department of Information for the Department of Social Development, Government of the Northwest Territories, Yellowknife. This touched the desk of at least seven bureaucrats before it got out into the world. That's why I brought that up, is because there are two departments listed right there. So that is two departments that have been fired entirely.

Or hell-the-loft like heroes. I can only assume after, you know, with each bureaucrat that had passed through, it was just like no notes, no notes. You've nailed it. And real quick, I didn't find anything about anybody involved in the production of this. They formed something called Arctic Comics to make this because you would absolutely need a shell company to be destroyed. But the people responsible for this are Art Sorensen, Phil Clark, and Dale Austin. Others are the Jake Uts, the editor of production, is Ross Harvey, and Harold Huggins, consulted. None of those sound like native names to me.

No, there's a distinct lack of, well, we can get into that also. I just want, I'll just know that upfront in case, because in my head, I was like, if you're going to do this, to talk to this community about alcoholism, you would, of course, hire local artists, or at least that consultant down there at the bottom wouldn't be named Harold Huggins. Well, Harold Huggins was, I think, the bureaucrat. He was the guy who was running one of the departments that commissioned this. So that's why he's credited as a consultant. But I mean, he's an elected official, as far as I know. He gave it the stamp. None of the people this was addressed to had any say in it all. So can you imagine handing this to them?

Like they're not used to being condescended to by white people. Right. So back to the story, a sled dog team is pulled into a crevasse that got opened when the round thing broke. One guy from it jumps to safety and screams, I wrote this down, Katuk tua lukir kupuga. All one word. This is not obviously, when you Google this, you do not get a word. This is kind of a theme of the comic.

They said a lot of Inuit words that I could not find. That doesn't mean anything. Google has been broken for months. Yeah, I was real hesitant to make fun of them in case like they actually, because again, I kept assuming, oh, of course they would have consulted with the natives, but as this goes on, I was like, I think they just made all that up.

Yeah, it might be so profoundly racist that like, if they made up the fucking gibberish being screamed by the natives, that is like a level of racism that like, it's rare. I handed them the comic and they were like, hey, real quick, what is the guy that looks like me saying right here?

Is that supposed to be a thing? You know, words, like, you know when you try to talk the chitter-chitter thing you do? It's fucking a joke. You can, words like, you know, when you try to talk the cheater thing you do. It's you can convince me you can convince me either way that it is the absolute extent of their effort to actually try to connect with the audience that this is intended for. Like all that got out of the way after like the first few word balloons on the first few pages or that they just made it up because well, if you look at the rest of this issue, there's not the first few word balloons on the first few pages or that they just made it up because,

well if you look at the rest of this issue, there's not a lot of effort put into any part of it. So yeah, it could be profound laziness or a different kind of profound laziness. It could be a beautiful type of racism. But Kurnick is the guy who survives. He jumps off the sled team and climbs to safety. He finds leaping honey buckets. He finds a Captain America and ice, a cube of a man, and he attached it to his sled dogs and takes it back to the village. And yes, I know his sled dogs fell to the center of the earth.

Nobody gives a shit. This is Captain Alcohol. Everybody forgot. So three guys help him prop them up, and I wrote down their word bubbles. One of them says gulp, one of them says sob, and one of them says gleep. Let's talk about gleep. So that's the Wonder Twin character, right?

No, no, Herculoid. It's the second Herculoid. What is that supposed to convey aside from Herculoids? Like, I get gulp, I get sob, I don't't get why they're Saab-ing, just lifting everything. I think he's just trying to remember the Herculoids. He's like, hey, that's the conversation they were having when this guy brought a cube of man back to the village. They're like, no, it was Dorno, Xandor, Gulp, Saab, and Gleap. Saab was my favorite. Just the really depressed one. One's like, this fucking planet sucks, man.

Didn't even show up for most of the episodes. They did have a Zoc. So Sab is pretty close to Zoc. I love Herculids. Let's do a Herculids episode next. Anyway, the point is- How have we not done that? I know, it's stupid.

Can we do a Herculids episode now instead of this? No, this is amazing. Absolutely not. No. No. So the Captain America hatches instantly and just starts fucking people up. He runs in and just throws a haymaker that knocks three guys through cartoon holes in the wall.

They bring him to the wreck hall, to a poker game full of elderly men. He cracks open and then he knocks all of those elderly men straight through a wall. What does he say by way of warning to them? Does anybody have that? ARGGGGGG He screams ARGGGGGG. That's his only line bubble. He says no words to these men before knocking them the fuck out. And the cartoon holds it's not like, oh hey, it's Looney Tunes rules. It's like, no, the guy drawing this just didn't know how to fucking draw a guy getting knocked through a wall. He rampages outside. didn't know how to fucking draw a guy getting knocked through a wall. He rampages outside. He leaps like a little family circus style trail through three men.

So he he saw three men outside and made a straight line through them and punched each of them. They are all on their looking at him like, what the fuck just happened? They didn't do anything to him. He just punched him on the back of the head on his way over. It's just farm and XP on the way to their food storage. And he's like, oh, look, meat. He just starts eating their meat.

So now the natives have time to come up with a plan. And their plan is this, fishing net. And it fucking works because Captain Alcohol sucks. He can't fight. He's got the strength of 10 humans. But it's really closer to one. This is one of the times the artist and the writer didn't agree, because while he's in the net,

he's thinking, I could break free if I wanted, but I just want to see these guys' plans. Their plan was, Brian, do you remember their plan when they get him restrained? Yeah, they take him to a local doctor and he injects him with some sort of anesthetic to put him to sleep. And then when he starts to wake up, he's fed some medicinal rum. He gets a prescription speedball.

You're not supposed to do that. This village knows how to party, is the point. But they saw this monstrous being from the stars who immediately attacked them on sight and were like, hey, let's get him drunk. Yeah, let's get this guy fucked up. Let's see how he parties. So just to recap, this comic book which was produced to address issues of alcoholism in native communities, the first time we see alcohol show up, it is their native doctor giving it to the hero of the story, which turns him into a monster. Yes.

Okay. I don't know if it's a metaphor for something. If it is, they fucked it up. Yeah, I think they blew it. Whatever they're going for. The rum is his one weakness, and so he loses his mind and just runs into the ice. Again, through a cartoon hole in the wall, he gets instantly humiliated by a bear, and then he passes out on an ice floe, and then he wakes up to a raven man

and runs away from the raven man. This is, okay, this is one page for the bear, one page for the raven man. That is the pace at which we're moving. And what's the dialogue he exchanges with the raven man? Does anybody have that in their notes? He shrieks and runs away. Yeah, that's right. It's nothing. It's none. He wakes up, silently looks at a Raven Man shrieking at him, and he just panics and runs away in dead silence. That's your main character.

It's just no thought bubble. No thought bubbles. He thought for like eight sentences about meat. Oh, this is meat. I am eating meat. This meat is uncooked, and yet I shall eat the meat. And he sees Raven Man, nothing. Zero thought of silence inside his mind. Just flee.

It's amazing. So now he wanders into the snow to die and does, like basically it's over for him, but he gets found by a guy named Billy Vermin. He gets dragged into nowhere by the sled dogs. I'm not quite sure what happens here. Billy Vermin is not on his dog sled team, and then one of the dogs is yelling.

He even screams, ain't no way I can stop him now, mister, as the dogs drag him off into the Tundra. He's just like, he went to ghost ride the whip on his dog sled. And it didn't work. And now he's like, well, fuck that up. See you later, buddy. So he gets knocked off the dog sled.

I don't know why this happened, because they did just find him off camera and put him in Billy Vermin's lair. Billy and Captain Alcohol just found their way back there somehow. It's filled with rum, the one weakness of Captain Alcohol. They give Captain Alcohol a shot, and he just stares at it. It's already made him drunk.

There's little bubbles above his head. He's just hammered from looking at this shot of rum. He opens a cupboard, finds a kid named Igpook and Igpook's like, buddy, you've been kidnapped. You should probably get out with me please. He smashes the rum glass with his hand and he's like, I guess he was enslaved by holding it. I guess giving him a glass like enslaves him. I don't know. We still don't know that he's an alcoholic as a reader. They play it like it's his kryptonite, not his vice, but it's kind of both. It's kind of both.

I also like that Billy Vermin takes off all of his, like, cold weather gear, his parka, and his skins, and he has a full, like, Dr. Doom suit on, spandex suit on underneath. Like the Ravenmen have that too, but that is not common. Like, it's not established this is a world of superheroes and villains, Billy Vermin's just a freak. It's just an ice pervert. So he beats up Billy Vermin, he's screaming, he says, one drink of that crap

and I'd be no better than that poor slave of yours. His choices are strange, I guess, that instead of like rescuing the slave, he's like, fuck that guy, that drunk slave of yours. His choices are strange, I guess, that instead of like rescuing the slave, he's like, fuck that guy, that drunk piece of shit. I don't want to be like him. I'm not going to save him. So that's it, two panels to beat up Billy, carry Zygpuk home.

To his home village of Fishfjord. Yep. Yes, Fishfjord. Again, the first time I read through it, I'm like, I really hope they translated that from the native language. There's no way. There's no way they did. Because they use the name of a real town later. Right.

That like, is where they were stationed when they made this comic. Speaking of comic, the comic now screams in a narrator box, LICKER! What's this thing about liquor and the amazing captain? Is it really poisonous to his system? Is he really that weak that he can't even take one drink? Is Captain Al a superhero or is he only just a super sissy? Let's find out. Citizens of the North, let's listen

as the muscled foreigner speaks about. And then it cuts to an ad about recreation grants. And then also the next issue, he is not speaking. So this little ellipses led to nothing. Again, just the magical failure of this comic never stops. So many of these chapters and stories, they don't conclude or end on a cliffhanger. I mean, sometimes they end on a cliffhanger, but yeah, there's no continuity between any of them. They don't conclude, they just kind of stop and then the next thing starts. They often stop with just

and then the next thing starts. They often stop with just Captain Alcohol standing somewhere regretting. Just on a panel of quiet regret. I'm going to say accidentally, but kind of accidentally effective. Yeah, I was talking shit about the art, but it's very expressive when they need to just show that Captain Alcohol's had another type of rock bottom. Yes, it's the only thing they're good at. Every other type of situation is terrible. But the specific regret of a drunk, for some reason, got that down pat.

He's so good at communicating that. One very specific thing and nothing else. Captain Alcohol, he goes to a community lodge in the next comic. And he tells everyone there that there was an accident on a spaceship, but he was too drunk to see the note from his wife, so he ended up exploding his entire spaceship, killing his wife and kids. They're unnamed and unnumbered, so don't even ask. This was hard, obviously losing his family to his own alcoholism, but it wasn't as hard as people laughing at him when he refused to drink, because people would be like, hey, Captain

Alcohol, want a drink here on our star planet? He's like, no, I don't wanna drink. They're like, haha, you must be, must be for a totally stupid reason, you idiot. If only they knew, he refused because liquor made him kill his own family. Anyway, he joined the Space Academy and then he crashed into Earth on his first mission. This was- Presumably drunk.

Are we all in agreement on that? Almost certainly, they don't say it, but almost certainly drunk. Here's a fun detail. This was millions of years ago. So after this story, this guy just straight up came in from the cold to tell them this. They give them a cup of tea and they're kind of starting to have some fun. And then one of them says,

to laga to laga the raven men the raven men. And he's not wrong. It's raven men. It's raven men crash the party. And it's established in kind of a lovely off-screen, we don't even need to talk about it way, that the Ravenmen often crash their parties. It's hard to party out here because of the Ravenmen. We're stepping into a world that is already so carefully intricately constructed that you don't even need backstory for these guys. It's like you understand everything you need to see on the page. Yeah. What do you need to know why they're Raven Man? Fuck you. Shut up. I have no questions. They are blue.

They have green tights, beak masks, actual full size working wings. They can survive in the Arctic seemingly off no food, because I don't think they're there to eat the people or take their food. They're just there to party. The comic is called An Ordeal of Torture. The first line of it is, Arrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg because it looks like on the top Captain Alcohol was running in there. There's one Raven Man being like knocked on his ass and another just dramatically posing. And then in Kurnik's panel, it's kind of a mirror of that where he's also knocking out two Raven Men. But if you look, Captain Alcohol did not knock out that first one. So Kurnik is actually the hero here. He's knocked out two to every one.

Kurnik and a fish is twice as good at fighting as the Captain America from the stars. They have no chance in this fight, so what they do is they grab Captain Alcohol and Kurnik and just fly away with them. And this time, the artist and the writer agree. Captain Alcohol can't get free. He says, if only I could free myself, but I can't. They've got me good this time.

Kurnik too. But the fucking Raven Man has him by the arms, like not even the armpits. He's like holding him by the triceps while he flies. Like a light wiggle would free him. They get strapped to rectangles and electrocuted? Just to party. Again, I cannot stress enough that we're not skipping a motivation for these Raven Men.

They showed up to crash a party and like we're not welcome and we're like, well, fuck it. I'm going to take these two guys and we're going to party Ravenman style, which is electrocution. I love it. Captain Alkhal eventually remembers he's strong and he breaks free. This is not a big deal for the Ravenmen. They just club him in the head, tie him back up. He says, it lasts like one, two, it lasts like two panels. He breaks free nobly and they're like, hey, fuck you.

And he goes right back in. He escapes and is recaptured in the same page. And his exact words are, I failed, Kurnick, I failed. No quimication. No anything. He's not drunk. This is not right. He's not even drunk. He's not even drunk.

He just wasn't good at being a hero, even when he's sober. I just I like how the Ravenmen talk real conversationally, because they're kind of like really arch sometimes, like, you will never defeat Ravenmen, but then he's also like, shut up, you guys. Like, that's an exact quote. The writer's absolute lack of talent and sanity helped this, I think. Like, they come across as maniacs who can't stay in character

and maybe don't know what that would even look like. So maybe they're just some guys fucking around in Ravenmen costumes. They have to be. But they can fly and that's... Oh, you're right, they can't fly. So who knows? They're just their own species of weird like ice dirt bags. I love this comment so much.

Well, there was a lot we didn't know about the Northwest Territories in 1973. So as far as we knew, they were Ravenmen. This could have been... All right, this is written by, I'm going to say, Canadians 500 miles from where this was intended to land. Oh, yeah, minimum. This could have been like a 1970s racial stereotype. They're like, ah, you know those other ones with their raven pen in their wings. So they put...

Jamie, we'll cut all this. We'll cut all this. They put them in sleeping bags and dump him into the ocean. And Captain Hawkeye breaks free and does not grab Kurnik. He goes to the surface and has to remember to go rescue his drowning friend. He thinks I could sure use a good strong drink. Explicitly does not save his friend

until he gets back to shore. He's like, oh right, he's gonna die. Oh shit. So they run into a tent for a cup of tea. They's like, oh right, he's gonna die. Shit. So they run into a tent for a cup of tea. They're like, hey, I'm from the stars. This is my buddy, Kurnick. We just got in a Ravenman fight. We need some tea.

And now we get into part two of the story called Booze is for Bums. And a battered woman lives in this tent and she is complaining about her alcoholic husband. He's actually drinking to forget the Ravenmen. So they're just, they're the problem everyone's dealing with out here. That's the problem I'm drinking to escape. It's those fucking Ravenmen. Captain Alcohol volunteers to go over and beat some sense into his head.

His name is Tuktik. He says, go over to Uktak's place. Tuktik, not Uktak. He's pissed at his wife for telling him he's too drunk. He's like, she can't tell me when I'm too drunk. That's my decision, you fucking ice cow. I don't know what you'd call your wife in this situation. But Captain Alcohol bursts in and took Tick. He's like, oh, I'm gonna, you know, tell me not to drink. I'll fucking tell you not to drink.

He breaks a bottle and he's gonna stab Captain Alcohol and he does. It's amazing. The drunkest wife beater on the glacier fought the star hero to a stalemate with half a beer bottle. There's a panel that's so beautiful where they just, it's so kinetic.

I've given this, it's so kinetic. When he charges across the room, Tuk-Tuk breaks the bottle, Captain Alcohol socks him right in the gut, and then Tuk-Tuk reaches out and slashes just the top of his hand with a beer bottle, and it grinds everything to a halt, and then the next battle is them both just like leaned over, bleeding, looking at the ground, there's no action lines, there's no sound effects, there's no dialogue,

they're both just like, holy shit, holy shit, oh that sucked so bad. How to draw comics the drunk moral way. Captain Alcohol listens to him complain about how liquor tore his life apart. And then Captain Alcohol's response to this is, come on man, you could drink a little bit. You just gotta take it easy. And then he explains how hangovers feel like

a herd of muskox running over your head. Now that is foreshadowing. Foreshadowing. That's foreshadowing. Foreshadowing for the fucking wildest thing I've ever seen in a comic book. And he keeps thinking about how this gash that he got on his hand, which he's wrapped up and he's bound, he's saying, give me quite a gash, I've lost a lot of blood, no wonder I'm feeling shaky.

And this just, spoiler alert, this is going to continue. Even though everything has been taken care of and he's not obviously bleeding anymore, he just gets worse and worse from this terrible wound. Yeah, that really took him out was that slash on the back of the hand, which this is definitely not bragging, but I have had many, many worse drunken injuries than that. 100%. This guy is a full star pussy. Yeah, I was going to say, do you think maybe he is especially vulnerable to it because it was a bottle of alcohol that cut him?

And as we know, that's his only weakness aside from, you know, everything else. That's being very generous, but like it does make a kind of sense. I'm just trying to get a Canadian no prize here. But like it is clearly not said. But there would be trace amounts of alcohol on the top of trying to get a Canadian no prize here. But like it is clearly not said. But there would be trace amounts of alcohol on the top of that bottle and it would have gotten it. I just think that narration bubble from earlier was right.

He is a star sissy. Is he just a sissy from the stars? Yes, it turns out. In the next issue, we meet Lois Alley and that's fucking gruesome. They should be ashamed of themselves for that. The story is called, Some Women Can Spell Trouble, which is not really a saying. So anyway, she's a white woman in a go-go dancing outfit, living on the tundra among the furry parka natives. The point is everyone else is a mascot for a racist antifreeze and she's gonna freeze to death. That's a great way to describe them.

They are drawn so offensively. Yeah, it's bad. Every single native person here gets, I want to say, 20 times the lines of anybody else. They're like, right there, that's a problem. This story is set up to make it sound like Lois is going to be the problem in this entire issue. Right. Like, she's going to be the problem in this entire issue. Like she's going to be the villain of the piece.

She's going to be like some seductress or femme fatale or something like that. Right. Not the case. No, absolutely not. I don't know why they said she can spell trouble. I think I think she can spell the word trouble. I think that these guys just get misogynist when they get drunk, which whatever. That's pretty normal. Anyway, Captain Alcohol passes out, I guess from the little cut on his hand.

And then Billy Vermin from earlier, he bursts in to human traffic Lois. He's like, get that broad called Lois. He knows her from around town and her, what she says is my name, you know my name. She's flattered. And then Captain kind of wakes up through the grogginess and goes, you, it's you again.

Anyway, they right whip him, take the girl, they draw two panels of Captain alcohol not being able to get up. It's just silent. And again, he is not supposed to be drunk here. Like maybe there's like a drop from that liquor bottle, but we've established it takes more than that. I mean, they gave him a shot of rum and he, but we've established it takes more than that. I mean, they gave him a shot of rum and he burst through a wall and ran out into the ice.

Like, Brockway was really excited about you getting to this part of the comic, Brian. You want to tell us what happens next? So we were told that he's well fortified with medicinal brandy. So you know, that's going to be an issue. He goes to his, another native's house, Igmuk, who doesn't have any idea what has just happened. He's like, I haven't heard anything. What's come over you anyway? And Captain Alcohol says, never mind, just listen. I'm going out alone after Lois, so I need

your power toboggan. One bet. By power toboggan, he means snowmobile. Yeah, and he ignores all efforts for Igmuk to assist him. And then in the next panel, we see him just riding the snowmobile, shouting his head off with a bottle of booze in one hand. And he's thinking about how good he is at driving snowmobiles after he's had some brandy, and then drives directly into a telephone pole and crashes it and wrecks. Majestic. While shouting watch me go. I'm the greatest driver who ever lived. And the next panel is another one of those beautiful drag

everything to a stop because it's very kinetic up until then and then all the sound effects all the action lights disappear and it's just a All of the sound effects, all of the action lines disappear and it's just a mangled snowmobile. Captain Elgol looking really hurt and Eggmook running up like, what the fuck did you do to my snowmobile? I knew this would happen. I told you this fucking happened. Lois gets rescued by a couple random dudes. They knock down the door, they ram man Billy Vermin with their head. They take out the other one with headphones, like they put headphones on his head and turn up the volume. He screams, yikes.

And that's, they're just humans. They're just ordinary humans. Yep, they're not owl men. They're not, it's just a guy. I don't know why that's his weakness. I love everything about this comic. Billy pulls a lever, a fucking trap door opens under these two random dudes

in his manufactured home. In his manufactured, I can't stress that enough. It's a man, let me show it. dudes in his manufactured home. In his man, I can't step right enough. It's a man, let me show it. It's a manufactured home. They dropped that off the truck yesterday and Billy Vermin put in a trap door system that morning. It ends with Billy alone with Lois in a real creepy threatening way.

And he says, now my pretty beauty, what say we get to be a little more friendly like? And obviously this implies all manner of sex crime that we don't need to get into, right? The comic gets into it. The narrator box says, a little more friendly? What's this? What is to become of our beautiful maiden citizens of the far north? Will Captain Alcohol regain his senses long enough to defeat this terrible twosome and carry the frightened beauty back to safety? Or for that matter, is the mus muscle captain in shape to do anything? He's not, he's absolutely not.

He's passed out what, four times today already? At least, yeah. And not even a liquor yet. So now we're in issue three. They made four issues of this comic, by the way, which is stunning. It's amazing. These things never get more than one issue. They don't need it.

They recognize that, hey, we can't carry this very thin recognize that, hey, we can't carry this very thin premise beyond, I want to say, 20 pages. Problem solved. Captain America and the Campbell's Soup children solved smoking. Done. Right. And they got a four-issue arc. Incredible. What these men have done, what they pulled off in earning this trust somehow and getting paid to do this and releasing this successfully, it's incredible. They're my new favorite grifters, even if they didn't mean it. Because they're doing what they love. There's a passion in this art.

Yeah, we're told the next issue is going to be called, There's More Than One Way to Skin of Fox. What's it called, actually? It's not called that. It's called, Licker Doesn't Make a Hero. The fucking don't! I can only imagine that someone was just like, guys, guys, you can be a little creepy, but you cannot say when you've got a woman who's in peril of sex crime that you can't call the next story, there's more than one way to skin a fox. At least they did change their mind.

Yeah. Later. So one good decision made in the entire production of this comic book. We pick up on the exact same line we left on and she bites him on the nose and then he slaps her and then his assistants like his slave he goes, I come on human trafficking boss like take it easy. We can't make money if you do sex crimes on the human trafficking victims. Anyway, they go to bed. He's like, you're right, slave. Thank you for talking me down from this sex slave punching rampage I was on.

Anyway, Captain Alcohol wakes up, really hungover and Igmuk is just lecturing him. He's like, you fucking asshole, you crashed my snowmobile. Captain Alcohol does not have much accountability here. He's like, dad, darn it, that darn booze, I kind of biffed it, you're right. Oh Lord, bloody booze, I feel of biffed it. You're right. Oh, Lord, bloody booze. Feel like a fool.

But he's rallying. He's like, I'm going to be a superhero. I'm going to go rescue her. He smashes right into the side of the house. But because of the liquor, he has normal strength and he bounces right off the wall. Which I don't remember that being very well established. I think they mentioned it once. And then that was ignored for three issues.

And now just for even if it might just be for this punchline, but I admit it is very funny that he thinks I'm going to bash through that wall like a fucking Kool-Aid man. It's going to be so cool. They're not going to know what to do with it. And then he just rams his head into the wall and knocks himself silly. And Billy Verman hears it and comes outside and he's like, did you just fucking bash your head into the wall? He does. What a pleasant surprise for our human trafficker. So they tie him up and they dump rum on his head. I don't know if he knows this is his weakness

or if he's just like a dick and hates this particular brand of rum. I don't know. Anyway, the cops show up. Otherwise, Captain Alcohol and Lois Alley would be dead. Yeah, the cops saved the day. It's not him. Yeah, the cops saved the day. It's not him. Yeah, the cops saved the day. Yeah, the Mounties just show up and that's that. Yeah.

That's that. The news is interviewing Captain Alcohol and he just runs away from the broadcast to get hammered. Because of the shame that he did not save them, he had to be rescued by police after bashing his head into a wall. To be fair, it's really embarrassing. It is really embarrassing. You're right. You're right to do this. What you have done is correct to try to drink away this shame. I think this is another magical moment. Brian, do you want to talk us through what happens after this? He's run away from the camera crew because he's convinced everyone's laughing at them, which

to be fair, they probably are. And he's drinking alone alone downing a bottle because he's only got one friend left now and that's the booze He's like I got to get out of here and as he's contemplating leaving Fishfjord There's a knock at the door and it's Lois. She says it's me Al can I come in and he says no No, just go away and leave me alone next panel Lois leaves as quietly she came But as she steps down off the porch, she is trampled to death by muskoxen. She's dead. Can we pause on that moment because the implications of it are so good. This wasn't like I wasn't there to save her from this terrible situation.

It's not like Billy Vermin unleashed these muskox. She just left his house, which it is shown in the panel where the muskox are stampeding away a lot of other houses around. So this is just a neighborhood and these musk- these muskox just stampede throughout this neighborhood on like a regular basis. And she's just like, oh no, I forgot to look both ways. There's no way she could have heard a herd of rampaging musk oxen coming toward her. Yeah, she was so distracted. I want to be generous here and think and say this could be one of the allegories they tried for.

But if that was the case, this woman is a hangover because earlier we established that this is what a hangover feels like. So this woman represents the hangover after a night of drinking. That's why I think it's not an allegory and the woman is real and died. Maybe she got a hangover so bad it killed her. I don't think that's possible. I tried to make that happen. I feel like if it was possible, we would have reached that point of something.

Yeah, I've asked for that before, but it doesn't happen. No. Captain Aqua's a little upset about this. He gets hammered. He almost misses his flight to Yellowknife. I've looked for that before, but it doesn't happen. No. Captain Ockles is a little upset about this, so he gets hammered. He almost misses his flight to Yellowknife. I've looked this city up. This is, I think, where the bureaucracy was based that came up with the idea for this comic.

In 1973, it had a bustling population of about 6,000 people. That's where he's headed. That's the bustling capital city of the Yukon, and he is so goddamn drunk. They land to refuel, and Captain is so drunk, he just runs away. He calls everyone a bunch of jerks. These guys, I don't know where this came from.

I love it so much that he just runs away. They're like, huh, okay, that's a little weird. He's like, eh, suckers. What? A bunch of jerks? I don't even know you. Flying into a town of 6,000 people costs like $1,500 like these guys are giving him a very expensive free ride also It's a town of 6,000 people and he's wearing a bright red leotard like he's gonna see these people again

Yeah, they're gonna find him. Yeah, he finds a rectangle on the ice and they're people drinking inside and he runs in he's like Oh fucking awesome liquor, but he now he's like, oh, fucking awesome, liquor. But now he's kind of forgot what it is. So he's a strange tasting liquid. Maybe I'd better have two more, then I'll leave for sure. So now I guess he's just forgotten all of his Earth memories. He's just a visitor from the stars.

I truly don't know what happened, as I've mentioned many times. My favorite bit in this scene also is that he sits down, he's paying for the drinks because he found a wallet on the chair that has money in it. He's like, all right. Free money. Yep.

It's good writing, because otherwise we would have asked, hey, where do you get the money for this? Yeah. Who's paying him to do any of this? Nobody's paying him for this. It closed up the only potential plot hole. Right, effortlessly. So they all start making fun of his space outfit

and he's pretty pissed about this. So he just starts throwing punches, instantly knocked out with a stick. Well, the last straw was somebody tried to buy him a drink. That's true, yeah. I'm gonna buy that man a drink and then he starts throwing haymakers. Add homophobia to the list of his wonderful qualities.

Just starts knocking everyone out. And Phillies immediately, his one weakness that we have seen, being bashed with a stick. And along with liquor, walls, snowmobiles. That's it, that's gotta be it. Almost muskoxen, but Lois took the hit there. Yeah, more like the after effects of muskox. Yeah, crushing depression. We'll just put that in his weaknesses. They put him in jail and he wakes up to scream, I didn't do anything wrong,

but I would argue he has done several crimes. They let him go, he's not actually in any trouble. The cops are like, dude, you're not under arrest. We just, we needed someplace to put you. They hand him 50 bucks and they give him ski-do pants. This is revealed as if it's his new Mega Man upgrade. It's like a full page. You get the full page reveal of him carefully putting on ski-do pants. Get upgraded with ski-do pants like it's his James Bond gadget that's going to come back.

They send him to a homeless shelter and he immediately plots to take everyone's money in a card game. But, and here's the key, he's a fucking idiot and he immediately plots to take everyone's money in a card game. Plots. And here's the key. He's a fucking idiot and he can't, he's not good at anything. So he gets drunk and they hustle him. They take all his money, except enough for a coffee. They specifically mention that.

And then also he says something about a job that he's late for. I completely missed it. If they made reference to a job that he actually got earlier, I missed it. No, I think the welfare guy was like, I'm going to give you a job if you show up, but he didn't even show up for his first day. Yeah, he blew it. So the town is being burned down by an arsonist,

which seems solvable in a town where everybody knows everybody, but Captain Alcoholic Spots, a pink gorilla man, cheering for the fire. He's screaming, cackle, cackle, burn, baby, burn. Fiery fritz has struck again, cackle, cackle, burn, baby, burn, fiery fritz has struck again, cackle, cackle. So we have a lead suspect. And he treats it like a clue. He's like, huh, what's this guy up to?

Better follow him and find out he's burning, is what he said out loud. Amazing. He loses him while he's following him because, and this is not his fault, he ducks behind an alley and transforms into his father, Captain Alcohol's father. Now, you heard me right. So Captain Alcohol kind of recognizes his dad from the stars from a million years ago.

He's just, I'm familiar about that guy. So I want to say this again. He has been frozen on this planet on the other side of the stars for 1 million years. That he did not come to on purpose. It wasn't a mission. There's no link between our planets. He crash-landed. Well, he drunkenly exploded his spaceship and fell here. So there's no reason for that dad to be here, much less alive a million years later. It is coincidence on a cosmic scale. So he follows this familiar man, Dad, to a window. Dad doesn't get a name, by the way, watches him drink himself into a goblin.

So he's just watching through the window while this human man drinks and what did you call him, Brockway, a were gorilla? He's a were gorilla. Yeah, he's a were gorilla. He drinks himself into a were gorilla with goblin liquor. Right. And this plan would have worked for him to just watch this guy Jekyll and Hyde into a drunk were gorilla.

But a cat rubs up against Captain Alcohol. But the cat somehow senses this man's drunken lunacy, his forbidden wrongness, and it just screams and leaps into the air blowing its cover. So who cares, right? He has the strength of ten men. Go fuck him up. Go beat up your dad. He's just a drunk were gorilla, but he gets hit by the door and Captain Aqua gets knocked senseless by the foam core door.

By the strength of an earth door. The strength of an earth door. That night, he searches the local bars for the elusive maniac. Again, not that hard. This is a very small town. It has one bar with three people drinking. It's a quick search. No luck. Then he goes to the cafe and he says to the woman, remember me, I'll have that free coffee now. And she does remember him because he is the bucket-haired man and the red unitard and ski-doo pants from the stars. So he has a quick coffee and immediately

leaves to see the entire town getting burned down. He charges into the fire, but he is no hero. His Thought Bubble says, this time he isn't going to slip through my fingers, not when there's a $1,000 reward at stake. So the one thing, let me track, the one thing, he saved a kid kind of accidentally. And that's it. That's it. Everything else is motivated by money or just getting more liquor.

So he goes in, he finds his dad, he punches him, puts him in a headlock, he transforms from the Wagarilla into his father. The artist has forgotten about the fire for a couple pages, so it's now a non-burning building that they're in. And his father delivers a speech that, I'm not kidding, might be the longest word bubble in comic book history.

It's incredible. It sounds like I'm exaggerating, but I'm serious. They used well over two full panels for it, just vertically, but they also had to shrink and cram the text in there. Yeah, it's incredible. There's paragraph breaks in this single word. You're right, there are paragraph breaks you could have used to that space. I know how to put it.

You know in X-Men when they would explain their powers, like Storm would shoot a lighting bolt and say, They're paragraph bricks you could have used to that space. I know how to put it. You know in X-Men when they would explain their powers, like Storm would shoot a lightning bolt and say, in Kenya where I was worshipped as a goddess, my ability to shoot lightning bolts such as this one caused me to be worshipped as a goddess. This word bubble is twice that long. Oh, easy. Yeah. I mean, comics when they're at their best is a real interplay of words and pictures.

But this is not really so much of that. There's a lot of words and then there's a picture. I think it's supposed to be sympathy, but they've drawn Captain Alcohol's face while he's watching his dad say all this. They've drawn him so pained and impatient that it looks like he's just like, Jesus Christ, shut up. He's right. His dad lets him turn him in because he knows he needs that thousand bucks. And he says, that's really what happens. Like, I know, I know you need that thousand dollars, son. I'm going to go to jail for you. Put me in jail. Plus he thinks it'll be good to just go cold turkey in prison after, you know,

so, so many counts of aggravated arson. Maybe he deserves to go to prison anyway. They go out on the thousand bucks. This is very important, not just to Captain Alcohol and his dad, but to the writer of the comic. He goes, well now, Northern citizens, what do you think of that? A grief-stricken Captain Al with $1,000 in his pocket and a long lost father who has finally recognized

he needs some help. Not a very happy note to end our tale on. Regardless, don't forget to join us for the next issue of Captain Alcohol. Like, you know, guys, we know what this is a bummer. We know this is terrible. But come on. I also love the last panel of the story where he's surrounded by townsfolk who are praising him for capturing the arsonist, saying, you're a hero. Why so glum, chum? And he's thinking, if they only knew. And it just makes me think that sometime prior, between issues two and three of this comic,

someone handed the writer any random issue of Spider-Man. Make it more like this, and this is the extent of it. This is the Peter Parker, it's like, well, everything's going great in my life. But you know, but Spidey now is in trouble. So yeah. So that's the one thing they took from an actual comic book. And there won't be any of that in the next issue. This is a genuine question here. Do you think this father, because it can't be a coincidence, right? He can't just run into his dad after millions of years. What is he an allegory for, if he's an allegory? I think attempted hereditary alcoholism, obviously.

But in like, functionally? No. In functionally, I think he's an allegory for don't drink goblin liquor that makes you burn things. Yeah, no, I definitely got that. And I ignored it. I fucking, the first thing I did after this comic is drink some weird gorilla. He looks like he's having such fun.

They kind of sold that goblin liquor. I'm like, I got to find out what that is. I wish I could be that happy from one arson. It takes a lot these days. So here we are on issue four, the final issue of Captain Alcohol. It opens with him alone, just jonesing for a drink, obviously. He

sees two happy hunks walking together. They seem like they might be in love. They're kind of drawn like that. And he thinks, those youngsters there probably got good jobs, a steady income, probably never touch this stuff. He just hates the happiness around him. That's how bad he needs a drink. So he goes down to the dock to get a job as a barge hand, which should be a good job for him because he lifts 10 times a normal man's lifting power. But he fucked up the wanted ad, and they're like, no, we need a cruise ship steward, not a barge hand.

But he's a destitute alcoholic punch barbarian from a long dead space culture. So he gets the job. I worked in the service industry for a long time. We had some of those as busboys. Like that, that's a busboy job. That's a busboy applicant. He's a bar back, I guess. They give him his first duty is to get the bar ready. And he knows it's the bad idea.

But he thinks whatever, too late to turn back now. That's what he thinks. Instantly goes badly. Brian, do you remember what he did the second he got the job? So he spills a drink on an old lady. He's like, oh man, my nerves are just shot. I got to have a little something to steady my hands. And so he takes a swig of booze, and then he's like, one for them, one for me. And then it's two for them, two for me. And then he's just bringing the them one for me and then it's two for them two for me

And then he's just bringing the party. It's the fucking best. Yeah, he's like, yeah, let's have a party He's got a tray full of drinks. He's spilling him everywhere and then trips over a chair. Yeah, he gets fired So that's yeah Well to be clear that the only people here are the old lady in the wheelchair now Brian you didn't mention her wheelchair You're right. That was insensitive of me. Very non-ableist of you. Congratulations. And then one other man who says, what is this guy, some kind of kook? That's it. He brings those guys a tray of drinks.

He's like, let's fucking party, you two. And they're narcs. If there's only two of you, why not party with that guy? Yeah. Yeah, come on. Assholes. I want to add something to this scene, and that is that they do not give him a Stewart's uniform. He is still in the red leotards and maybe you forgot about it, ski-doo pants.

That's such good continuity. He's wearing, remember he's wearing the ski-doo pants for the rest of the comic book. For the rest of issue 3 and 4, he is wearing ski-doo pants like he's so proud of them. They're the most important thing he owns. Like a dog bringing home a big stick. He falls and at Ski-Doo Pants, I don't think these ones have pockets, so his thousand dollars in cash just burst from him. And this is not like, oh, we'll take care of that off camera. No, no, no.

There's a panel where he's getting fired. He says, just no one touched my money. That's all. It's all mine. Reward money I earned in Vunik. Stay back till I get it collected and then I'll get out of your way. The writer of this comic is obsessed with this thousand fucking dollars. Can you imagine? I think I know how much he got paid for this entire project. I think I know too. $14. It's not $1,000.

So that night, a shadowy figure runs through the boat and steals everybody's money and jewelry while they sleep. Everyone blames Captain Alcohol because he's the kind of piece of shit who would do something like this. But no, his money is also missing. And then they run up topside. And I kind of don't know what happens here. It says Demon Man, but it starts with a flashback

of some guy shooting at him, of shooting at Captain Alcohol, because he came in drunken stoned the night before looking for liquor. He's like, it wasn't me. He's like, I slept on the boat last night. Yeah, and the guy's like, well, this is your belt. And he's like, huh, well. He does know he comes from drunken were gorilla blood.

So he's starting to figure maybe he did turn into like a drunk monster while he slept. Yeah. Is that really so outlandish? Is it so outlandish? And I guess that's kind of what does happen. Like some other people were pissed about last night and they find him and then he just kind of clutches all his organs at once and screams, arrrr. I don't know if this is like some kind of space defense against attackers, but he just dies.

They take him to the hospital and he has an abdominal blockage. He wakes up and they explain that liquor has given him liver damage and an ulcer. His response to this is, I have voices telling me to drink liquor. No, no, it's unbearable. That's what's happening. A ghost leaps from his chest screaming, booze, I need a drink. I'd like to think this is an allegory, but there was that noise on the boat, and I think other people can see this demon. Yeah, it's implied this demon, this ghost, this alcoholic ghost within him,

occasionally escapes and goes partying at night, because that's what all of the other townspeople were upset about when they were talking to him. With his belt. Yeah, it had his belt. Just fucking throw that into the theory. It had his belt. It only takes his belt. It does not, specifically, I want to draw attention to it, it does not take his ski-do pants.

Those are his. They're few as to his flesh. The ghost explains that he can't stay outside the body long. He needs it to live. All he wants is one drink. I can't stay outside the body long, he needs it to live, all he wants is one drink. I can't take that drink without your help. Help me just one drink. So he gives in to the phantoms alluring words. He's like, all right, let's get you a fucking drink. He attacks some guy, he says, give me that bottle, you bum. No use wasting on the likes of you. Well, the bum is the bum turns around and he is drawn exactly like Sloth from The Goonies. So

maybe there's a little something going on there. Maybe he's got some issues Yeah, so he's decided that ghosts life is worth more than this other guy's life He pulls a knife and captain karate chops him dead and laughs not the ghost Captain alcohol himself. This is not a Jekyll Hyde. Both parts of Captain Alcohol are fucking monsters. I think that's really, really funny to karate chop a bomb to death. They're just like, all right, we're not so different, you and I. Good job, Captain Alcohol. Finally, something relatable. A woman finds him and she's like, oh, I'm going to take you to a local fight club. And then she says, look at all these dumb assholes. That's you. all drunks are the same all over.

And this really gets to him. He's like, I'm not like those guys. Those guys are like beating each other up. Anyway, so we go inside his brain where he's now wrestling with his own alcohol cravings, not externally, but internally. He doesn't do very well. He realizes he can't beat this alcoholism ghost.

I guess this is when he realizes he needs to submit to a higher authority. This is his rock bottom when he's being defeated by his ghost monster inside his own brain. Okay, I'm gonna argue that ghost is a higher authority. I agree too. Yeah. His run on the show. He joins Alcoholics Anonymous, the end. And that was the twist. The man who lost his wife and his kids and his powers and his girlfriend, his sanity, his health, his job, his father to alcohol,

started to realize it was a problem, which means, and here's what's fucked up to me, is they finally did land on a real allegory. In the end, this was good art the whole time. I agree, and that's very shocking to me. I didn't think I was going to agree until the very end of this comic, and then I thought, like, this actually is a way more effective way to do this than to have Superman come on and be like, VHS piracy hurts everybody. If Superman showed up and just was a drunken embarrassment and just like, yeah, he has all the powers of Superman, but guess what? He's not wearing any pants and he just took a shit on the table and nobody likes him. They're like, oh, okay.

Well, I guess I get it. It's weird that you had to say it that way to me, a native child in the Arctic territories, but I guess I get it more than if it had been the other way. Right. Yeah, I think the only two flaws with the plan are that you would have had to read the full four issues to finally arrive at this point.

And I don't honestly know if anyone other than the three of us have done that. And then the other thing is that you kind of have to identify with the character who is going through all of this. And I'm just going to go out on a limb and suggest that maybe the native population that this was aimed at didn't necessarily see a lot of themselves in this blonde white guy in a red leotard. That's just throwing that out there. Who's very first move, the second he showed up on scene

was to wordlessly scream and knock all of them out and steal their food. Yes. There was never a moment where like, you're like, okay, I've bonded with this character, let's watch him go through this journey. He showed up just being like a raging fucking mess. If it is an allegory, I do think it works, but I think it works a little bit better as

an allegory for colonialism. Exactly. It's exactly what he is. There you go. There you go. It is great art, just not the great art they thought they were making. I just love that the very final panel, the whole thing is him saying, my name is Al and I'm an alcoholic.

Yes, my name is alcohol and I'm an alcoholic. By which I mean I'm addicted to me. I'm a narcissist. Wait, no. I got it wrong again. Well, we did it. We read Captain Alcohol. Oh, if you want to read this yourself, there's a website called CaptainAlcoholComic.com and it's just some dude who loves it as much as we do and just put it on the web like the old timey days when that's something people would do. It's so charming. He just, there's nothing else. It's not somebody's like blog. It's just a site dedicated to the four issues of this comic, all of them in completion, all

of the images on one page, all the original ads from the comic, but no other ads. And the only thing he says on that entire page, aside from just putting the comics up, he says, this comic rules. I hope you like it. Yes, it's real. Bye. It's such a good website. It's my favorite website. This is how all the Internet used to be. Why can't we go back to this? Oh, I wish there was a Captain Alcohol web ring

and a cool Captain Alcohol of the Day site award banner. Frankfurt! Our podcast is great! And with maximum Einstein, who did Frankfurt? Einstein, who did New York? Yeah, 9000! As children, they were lost to the wilds of Florida when their parents' yachts were exploded by Skeletor. Raised by wolves, they must now re-enter society with only the help of a manimal, a little person toy genius, and Hulk Hogan on a sentient speedboat. They are the Supremes. Aaron Crosston, Adrian H, Aidan Moak, Alex Nolenberg, all raised by wolves, Alpha Scientist Jabo, Unandy, Armando Nava was raised by wolves, Rich Wolves, Bim Talzik, Brandon Garlok, Brian

Saler, Burrito, all wolf kids, everyone, Serrell, Chase, Cheddar Wolf is one of the wolves who keeps raising these damn kids. Clementine Danger. Common Sense was orphaned by a Skeletor and has vowed revenge on all skeletons. All skeletons. Craig Lemoine. Quavis. Dan B was raised by sentient speedboats who have sadly passed. Vroom vroom, Dan B! That means I'm sorry for your loss in speedboat.

Daniel Sloan. Devin the Rogue Supreme. David Shull. Dean Costello was raised by wolves and violently destroys all clothing, unless it's from his natural prey animal, the silkworm. Delta Foxtrot. Doug Redmond is raising wolves. That's... Get outta here, Doug Redmond. Drayson. Dusty's Rad title.

Eric Rion. Every zig was raised by coyotes and is frequently a victim of wolf racism. Fancy Shark Gareth is a little toy genius. For the government? Nice try, narc genius. Get out of here. Jell-o-ho

Good Satan and his Hot Witches Greg Cunningham Hambone Haraka All feral wolf children. It's a real societal problem. Harvey Penguini, Honk, Javer Al Aiden is howling. It sounds sad. Wait, that's not sadness. It's party. It's party wolf everybody! James Boyd, Jared Mountainman, Jeff Arasky, Jim Salter was raised by snakes! Watch him slither!

Yeah. John Dee, John McCammon, John Minkoff, Joseph Surrows, pretty much the whole J-section all Wolf Kids, Josh S. Joshua Graves. Justin B. was raised by ants. And now with the speed and strength of an ant, he faces a lot of difficulty in day-to-day life. Ken Paisley. K&M.

Kumutas. Kyle Campbell. Lane Hagood is a wolf child psychologist, here to do some potty training. Thank fucking God you're here Lane Haygood, this place, I think it's everyone's territory. Lisa. Lucas Keen is out of control on pure distilled Hulkster scent. It's banned in 92 countries and for good reason. M. Jahee Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Perot is a sentient speedboat who kills Skeletors. Not so fun now is it Skeletors? Michael Dillon, Michael Lair, Mickey Loman, Mike Stiles, Moju, Mort was raised by

wolves, hot wolves, what she's a Mort, that's all I'm saying. Mr. Bob Gray. N.D. Neil Bailey. Neil Schaeffer. Neku104. Ornry Weevil was raised by feral toy geniuses and only speaks the language of exploding pterodactyls. Ozzy Olin.

Patrick Herbst. Rachel, Rhiannon, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, Spotty Reception. Static Dust is an adoptive wolf parent taking in unwanted human children and teaching them to bite and snore them. We've got Mother's Day, we've got Father's Day, where's Wolf Day cowards? Super Knot, Ted H, Thomas Kavatsos, Timmy Leahy, Toasty God was raised by wolves and still speaks fluent wolf to this day. If things go south next election, that wolf passport is gonna come in handy. Tommy G, Velo, Booster can turn into any animal but but it hurts... so much, don't ask her! Waylon Russell

Zack and Ava Benjamin Sironin Boy Hulk Boy Little Person Toy Genius Boy Sentient Speedboat

Boy Skeletor! Ah, he's not getting it. Let's send him to live with the Navajo, everybody!