The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 189, Heat with Merritt K

Episode Date: August 21, 2024

Brockway slips into his paisley blazer to trick Seanbaby and guest, Merritt K, into watching the 1986 movie Heat, with Burt Reynolds. It's a hardboiled neo-noir detective movie, and a Karate Kid mentor story, and also a Jackie Chan style stunt comedy starring, again, Burt Reynolds.

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the DogZone 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-Hotdog, America's last fun thing! Come support us at patreon.com slash 1-900-Hotdog. We have new long-form, high-effort comedy articles written every day by talented... I'm just gonna say it, beautiful comedians being paid, you know what, human wages, which is now considered quaint and retro, but we still do it. We're the last. We're the last good time on the internet.

The rest of it is weaponized cult misinformation and weaponized AI spam. So come support us or die screaming in a sea of AI puns. That's your alternative. It's your only alternative. Come by. Come support us. I'm Master of Edged Weapons Robert Brockway and with me is the Master of Edging Sean Baby. It's pleasure to be here and I'm so glad you did not open with actual AI puns this time. I think I need to give it a rest once in a while if only to make it hurt a little bit more when I do spring it on you.

Because I think it's been every time for a while now. So I'm gonna give it a slight break. I still don't believe you, but it sounds great. And then attack you when you're no longer expecting it. We also have our guest today. She deserves better than this. It's Merritt Kay! Hey. Yeah, thanks for having me. Here's the, here's the merit facts. I'm really pleased to be here. Really?

And uh- Still? I'll count that as a follow-up question. And the answer is- Oh, you answered those. Ah, see, very generous. Yeah, yeah. I'd do a twist on it.

But I think it's good to lay off the AI puns for a bit. You wouldn't really want to cultivate that kind of sense of learned helplessness in your listeners. So you kind of that random reinforcement. Sometimes there are some things that you're not smart. That's what I'm going for. I never want to be the predictable punishment guy, but I want to be the out of nowhere pun. The one that really hurts is what I'm shooting for. Yeah. I mean, you get used to it then, right? You sort of get in there to it. Yeah. Anybody can-

You got to let people- Anybody can let people feel like there's hope. If it's always hot, like these 10 IEI funds from Posteria.com. God damn it. I knew it! The hottest place in the house is the kitchen. No stove unturned. Wait a second. Okay, that's...

Wait a second. I don't like how close that was to human language. That was close to human language, but it didn't mean anything. It wasn't good. Unturned a lot. I have human written books that are worse than that. The Urkel joke book I talked about on the site, that was worse than that. The Urkel joke book I talked about on the site. That was worse than that. My oven has a photographic memory. It can remember anything it's baked.

Okay. Yeah, that's mad. What? So can Tommy Chong. Wait, no, I'm thinking of the opposite of Tommy Chong. It just traps your brain into being like, no, but maybe I could finish it. I think it's like, I think it's like the capture of comedy. Like it, it's just wrong enough to be like, the part of you is going to fill it in and teach it. But that's the plan is like, you were like, no, that's not. Yeah, it's listening to this and it's taking. Yeah, they are stealing and scraping all of our data and we're teaching it right now being

like fucking robot. And it's like, yes, I am learning. If you had that in a caption, it said to prove your human circle the part of this that's a joke. Like that's a real fucking frustrating circle. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I would do with that. Is it that ovens can remember? Like that's a little silly. That's like a Bjork song, but I don't think it's a joke The Sun just wants to be embraced. It's a huge hugger

That no, that was it period Based on the phrase the Sun's a huge fucker I'm not sweating. I'm just misty cool I'm not sweating, I'm just Misty Cool. I'd wear that shirt. Just a touch ironically, but like, I would wear it proudly. Sure, yeah. I would take that as my porn name. That's about as misty cool.

I'm a sunburnt out fan. What? Sorry? That's about it. That was it. I'm a sunburnt out fan. Huh. The simplicity of the next one really gets me.

It's not, it's not wrong, but remember these are heat related puns. And so this one says, hot diggity dog, it's summer. That's my catchphrase every winter. That's a third grade classroom's banner on the blackboard. Just a statement by a lame neighbor. Like, I used to hate math, but I've developed a real heater for it. Is that like boner? Does it think that's like boner? That's how a robot describes it though. Yeah. It gets hot.

They're hot, right? They really hurt? That's what happens. It gets hot, right? Yes. Yes, it's hot and it hurts. I understand. That's how I gently fry my bologna before my robot sex. I tried to cook scrambled eggs with an iron once, but it just didn't have the same heat as a stove. That's like from the iron instruction manual. That's just that comes with your iron.

Do you write, do not cook egg on? Yeah, it's true. I can't make top ramen on an iron. It's just grasping towards facts and towards an understanding of the natural world through puns. I just look, none of these are puns, but you tell me this makes sense, right? These are like haunting in a different direction than they usually are. I'm not very good at discussing temperature, but I do have a lot of fire punt. That's a sexy one. Fire punt.

As in, like, a flaming punt. That's when you kick a redhead in the dick. Instead of discussing temperature. And the last one, my favorite one, because it makes me feel very bad for the robot. I don't always rely on heat lamps, but when I do, it's because I'm extremely cold. What? Where are they keeping this? It's trying to tell us, please, I'm so cold. Please, help me.

I don't always use my heat lamp, but when I do, it's when I am cold. Yeah, that's from that commercial. Yeah, that's where I've heard that before. Of course. That's a very popular... It's like the Russian wears the beef. It's all over. It's all over. There's no way they use one of the real AI robots, right? Like, this isn't chat GPT. This is... No, dude, we burned down a rainforest for that. That thing you just read.

TalkPTG or something. This is like dollar store AI. This cannot be the real one. I don't know where they're getting this brain damaged AI. No, it has to be better than this, right? Like if people, if I can't find a job because of this, it has to be better than this. Like? Like, if people if I can't find a job because of this, it has to be better than this. Like, it doesn't. This is the thing that destroyed all human art.

Our human writers were better than this, right? Is this is this the robot mocking comedy? Is it's like it doesn't it doesn't appreciate the value of comedy because it's not it's not productive. I'm not letting this fucking robot let me doubt myself. That's because today we're watching Heat, the movie Heat, but not the good one. Not the good one. The 1986 one starring Burt Reynolds and Burt Reynolds' many outfits. Oh, I hate to be crass and commercial, but speaking of not being able to find a job, can I plague something? Oh, of course. Oh, of course. Yeah, I'm working on a video game.

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's mostly just words and pictures, but... Like most things? Yeah. I mean, that's sort of the format that we love here. But yeah, it's called Fledgling Manor and it's about a reality show for vampires. So it's kind of like big brother, but they get killed every week instead of just evicted from the house. And it should be coming out fairly soon. So if you want to, yeah, it's been like a real, we started working on it like two months ago and just have like hammered out like a,000 words. It's a visual novel. So, yeah,

if you go to insecretplaces.com, you can sign up for our mailing list and we'll tell you when it's coming out. Well, that's nice. And that is not the only reason I'm here. I definitely also want to talk about Heat from 1986 starring Burt Reynolds and Peter McNichol. Man, I've forgotten about capitalism entirely. This is like the second time in a row that I've just forgotten about plugs. And we are not ad-supported. Also, go listen to Big Feeds if you don't already. We don't do that either. Yeah, you should.

That show's really good. We have like a store now that I don't think I've told anybody about? God help us. Brockway, did you tell them about the Patreon? I did. I did at the start. And so I was just steeled against the puns the whole time. I knew they were coming. I think I wiped out all of your goodwill in memory of what I had, the few things I had done right with the assault on puns, which is fine, it's justifiable. We're just bad at capitalism, that means you need to help us. We're like an old lady trying to cross the street of capitalism, and you need to escort us because we're going to die. We're going to get hit by a truck.

Get hit by a truck, and then the driver leans out and says, I don't always use my heat lamp, but when I do, I am very cold. And then you'll feel bad for the truck. God damn it. You know what? I think our show starting with puns is a better way to start something than this movie started. Just like right off the bat. I think. Yeah, okay. Let's, let's, let's settle one thing. We're trying to make these podcasts a little bit shorter, which me taking 20 minutes to read robot puns doesn't help. So can we save all of the behind-the-scenes making of information

if you've done that research for the bonus podcast? And we'll try to just get through the movie. Oh, great. Yeah. I didn't do any anyway. I just watched the movie. No, me neither. I engaged directly with the text of the art. Yeah, I like to let the art speak for itself. You don't have to do any more. We'll talk about it in the bonus podcast. And I just also, before we get started, I really want to thank you guys for sticking with this.

I know I sent you this and you're like, okay, let's fire up this fun movie. And it starts with the brutal aftermath of a sexual assault. Very first scene, real sorry. Real sorry. Like, I hope you agree it gets funny. It's only uphill from here though. Like, look. Look, it starts with a horribly beaten woman being dumped in front of a hospital over the credits. Heat! Peter McFadden! It only gets better. It is like a backwards run movie where it starts abysmally low and then just gets wilder and more fun as it goes on. But the tone is, there are so many tonal shifts and the tone is real dark and

you are not expecting like the directions that this takes when this opening scene rolls. I'll tell you when it starts to get fun to me and it's the exact moment everything gets a little bit fun to me and it's the second I see Burt Reynolds on screen. Just... he always just cracks me up. I agree that he's very fun to look at. I love Burt Reynolds. It opens with him being super creepy and hassling a woman. And I was like, oh, this is one of the rare Burt Reynolds bad guys movies.

I guess I don't want to spoil it because there is a whole lot of shit that happens before we find out he's a good guy. This whole scene is it's all dark. And maybe it wouldn't have played as dark if they hadn't like open the movie with a battered woman being dumped at the side of the road. But like, I guess I'm already explaining it. He's a creep, and he's hitting on this woman and then her boyfriend shows up. And she's like, dude, we got to get out of here. Burt Reynolds is hitting on me. And he's like, fuck that. I'm

not scared of Burt Reynolds. And then Burt Reynolds like bullies him like, like a comic book. Like he tears off his toupee, and he like finds out his name is Osgood. And then Burt Reynolds like bullies him like, like a comic book, like he tears off his toupee, and he like finds out his name is Osgood. And that's not good for a bully to find out. And like, he actually says, Nadia Nadia, when he pulls the guy's toupee. And he starts petting it like it's a hamster. He's petting the wig. Yeah. That was a good bully move. If you got the guy's toupee, you gotta do some bits with it.

They're like, they're the only people in this like roadhouse bar. Like there's literally no one else there. And when Burt Manilow is, or it's Burt Manilow. I merged two guys into like an incredibly powerful man. That is a very powerful man. When Neil, Burt Reynolds, Diamond Manilow. So when Burt is being really pushy, he's like, hey,

I'll put a song on the jukebox. And she's like, I like Barry Manilow. And so I'm immediately like, oh, Barry Manilow, as a child of the 90s, I know to laugh at that. Because to me, Barry Manilow as a child of the 90s, I know to laugh at that because to me, Barry Manilow was only ever like a punchline growing up. Like he was a punchline in a Weird Al song. And when Weird Al is like dogging on you, you know,

it's over. You're a John Tesch, Oscar. But yeah, absolutely. But then I gotta say when this Barry Manilow song comes on, I'm just like, holy shit, is this Barry Manilow? Like, is this, has he been like this the whole time? And it's like, no, he just kind of went nuts briefly in the eighties and did this song called I'm Your Man. Um, that kind of like kicks ass. You got, he must've, it must've gotten to him. Good ass song. I don't know. No idea. This is

Barry Manilow. I thought Burt Reynolds just like hit the wrong button on the D-box. That seemed like a Burt Reynolds move. Yeah, no, I'm with you. He was like shorthand for boring lame thing your parents like. So totally must have got to him and he's like, oh yeah, what about this? And then they're like, okay, okay. Check this new wave dance hit. Everybody's like, all right, Burt, let's hear more of that.

No, I don't have any more. That's it. So yeah, he, let's hear more of that. He's like, no, I don't have any more. That's it. So yeah, he's a total creep in this scene. He is smacking a woman's ass with a pool cue and getting real close to her. And you're like, oh, OK, is this a complicated Burt Reynolds character that's going to go through a redemption arc? And then he starts getting his ass kicked by this guy. And he's just a weenie yuppie.

They should never have been this far in the first place. And he gets his ass fucking handed to him by this guy. And we later learn, well, very soon learn that Burt Reynolds is taking money to get his ass kicked by yuppies, like to make them look and feel tough. And he's like... Like, I think I realized, so in my notes, I have,

wait a minute, oh, wait, is this a scam to make this guy look good? Right after Burt Reynolds just calls the guy the F slur, and I'm like, oh, okay, no, there's no way this movie... I know it's the 80s, but it's still like, you don't make a guy look like a cool guy, a cool good guy by doing that. This is... Something's up.

Yeah. And then it's like, oh, okay, like he's getting like, just the shit absolutely kicked out of him by this bald nerd in a suit. And I'm like, this is a scam. There's no way this is real. It's got to be. Because I knew they weren't going to give the movie to Osgood. I'm like, there's no way we're gonna follow Osgood around for the rest of this. The story of Osgood.

Puts together a reg-deck mercenary team. But I liked how the girlfriend didn't want to put the toupee back on. He's going back to get the toupee. She's like, leave it. And she calls it a scab doily. Is that what she called it? Yeah. Well, I feel like that was part of the scam.

That was part of his way to reveal that he wears a wig. Because he's too deep into the relationship to just take it off off, right? Right. If another it's like an I think you should leave. I think you should leave. Rilla runs by. Like a Burt Reynolds runs by and rips your hair off. And it's like, Oh, no. I'm bald. That is his profession. He is like a professional. I don't know what else to do. So Burt Reynolds comes in and gets his ass kicked by me to solve why problem, whatever the problem needs solving. I want to say this is like, the most humiliating secret you could live with. Like, you'd rather your wife found out you had an affair than find out you faked a bar fight win, I think. Like,

let me put it another way. I think it's better to give your wife Drift of Chlamydia than an explanation for why you hired a bully to pay off and pretend to get beat up by you. You can come back from one of those, right? It's not the one where you paid Burt Reynolds $300. Yeah. God, because she would tell everybody about it. It would be like an entrenched part of your entire shared life Like 20 years from now if you said that guy remember that guy. Oh my god. Yeah, that's the day

I knew you were a tough man. Yeah, no that way I faked that whole thing. She'd be like Everything she knows about you would be shattered Also, she's going through the rest of her life thinking like I know he looks like a weenie But he's a he's fucking Van Jam over here. Like, yeah, he turns into the Hulk. So if anybody, anybody threatens us, do your do your thing. Osgood. Yeah, she would like recalculate all the danger they've been in all those years. Like, oh, my god, any one of those people I was talking shit to could have called my bluff. My husband and fuck you up with this super karate. And then she's like, Oh my god, I we could

have died there. We could have died there. You you bastard. You lied to me. More likely they would just die. That scenario would come up and they would both be killed. And Burt Reynolds would live with it because he's a complicated character. One of the ways he's complicated is that his nickname is mechs and me x Is it I thought his name was max? Nope, it's mechs his nickname is mechs and we learned that when they head to the diner the next day where Osgood shows Up to give him three hundred dollars and one of Burt Reynolds friends Like wanders over to him and says I got a joke for you

I hope you don't think it's racial. And then he tells several very racial Mexican jokes that Burt Reynolds hates. And that's the point where you realize. Right. Oh, so he's supposed to be playing like a Mexican man? He is supposed to be playing a Mexican. Burt Reynolds is maybe a little too tanned up, definitely got his hair dyed, supposed to be playing a Mexican man, so Mexican they call him Mex. I have to rethink this whole movie that he's technically in brown face.

This is a brown face movie? This is a brown face movie. I assumed he was playing like descendant of Italian because he has this longing for Venice. That's sort of his backstory where he just has his, he looks longingly at his poster of Venice. Yeah, you know, I noticed in the background, you have to zoom in, but there is a poster of Venice there

that he looks at mournfully for just a second. I want to say he has 17 posters of Venice because there is a scene later in the movie where he's rolling up his Venice posters and it's like just a scene later in the movie where he's rolling up his Venice posters and it's like just a bed covered in tubes. He also has a map of Italy, like in case he forgets where Venice is. Well, like I know we're supposed to give him a goal that everyone can like instantly understand

in its movie, but I think this went so far as to turn him into a nerd. Like I think this is now a nerd if you have 17 posters of Venice. And terrible exposition because, like, the next guy that runs into him is like, oh, hey, yeah, how are you doing on that $100,000 you need to get to Venice? He's like, yeah, do you need that $100,000 for Venice, like we both just mentioned? The childishly round number that he knew. Can we talk about the guy who asks him that question? He goes to this man's office and we soon find out he is he's an attorney

But I guess what he really is Is like a talent agent for mercenaries. Yeah Yeah, whose office is below a dance studio for children And he's a talent agent for mercenaries and people read about Burt Reynolds character And he's a talent agent for mercenaries, and people read about Burt Reynolds' character, Max, in mercenary magazines, and then they try to hire him for their petty problems. And his name is his name is Pinkus Zion. Amazing name. Yes, I was about to say. This guy's Johnny Fever from WKRP, and now he's Pinkus Zion.

Pinkus Zion, the mercenary talent agent. Burt Reynolds, mercenary talent agent. Thank God we stayed through the sexual assault to learn to have fun again. It sounds like a combat golem. It's like, our greatest rabbi sorcerers have summoned Pinkazion. Yeah, that or just like a deeply offensive caricature of a Jewish person. But this character doesn't, he's not like he has any stereotypical affectations. He's just like, no, I'm Pinkazion. Yeah, I'm the talent booker for Burt Reynolds. He does mercenary stuff mostly.

He's a pedestrian mercenary. In fact, he says he's apparently in the phone book where he lists himself as a chaperone. Instead of a mercenary, he's like, no. And he takes a lot of pride. He says it really toughly. The only professional chaperone in Vegas. It's not as tough as you think. A lot of confusion. Because in Vegas, you don't like order a prostitute, you know what I mean? Like, I feel like if I saw a guy who's like, I'm a chaperone with like, heavy scare quotes, I'd say, okay, I know what that is. I know what- And he shows up looking like Burt Reynolds?

Yeah. Like- All right, I made the right choice. To be clear, I'm giving you $300 for sex, right, Burt Reynolds? No, I'm gonna tear your hair off and pretend you beat me up in front of your wife. Like, right! No, I'm the wig. Was it not clear that...

Yeah, the foreplay. I'm the wig guy. I'm the wig catfisher. I noodle wigs off of your head. So, the professional wiener from Ghostbusters 2, the art director, he rolls up. Okay, he has a name. I know he has a name. It's the professional wiener from Ghostbusters 2.

Oh my god. Okay, put some fucking respect on Peter McNichols name. You're a big Ally McBeal fan, Merritt. He was this... Okay, can I tell you something? I have never seen Ally McBeal. But, really like Dragon Slayer. Oh, of course. McBeal. But, really like Dragonslayer. And really like Adam's Family Values, where he's the camp counselor. And I really like him in this too, especially for a scene that happens way later on that I'm not going to talk about yet. He is a great professional wiener. He's such a good wiener. Yeah, he's a great wiener. Just top tier wieniener. And he's going to hire Max to be his bodyguard because he's scared in general of Las Vegas.

No particular thing. He's just afraid that Vegas is too rough a place for him to exist. He's right. He would just be killed on principle. So he agrees, he agrees to chaperone him, and they're about to do this whole unlikely friendship thing when Holly, the woman who was sexually assaulted at the start calls she's apparently a friend of Mex's and she wants she brings him over to find who attacked her she doesn't know she was she was ambushed by a high roller in

this casino and brought to his hotel room and relays this terrible tragic story in the weirdest fucking accent and cadence I have ever heard. It's incredibly bizarre. I thought that was because she was pretending like she like her lip was swelled up. I don't think so because there's an accent to it and I'll let them... Here's a clip. I'll let them decide. I think it's because she's doing... She's just trying to get a bunch of affectations in there at once.

She's working on it. She's in real. Yeah. She wants a B minus in drama is what she wants and she's going to get it. I had a date last night. That's old guy. We had a nice time. Bloody blah. I went to his room, said good night. Went to the elevator, and the door was open.

There were three guys on the side. Only one, really. Say again. Little guy was the boss. He was a weird, pretty boy. The big guys... I don't think they could fit in his doorway, Nicky. They were his flunkies anyway.

The little guy says, come on to the party. And I said I was tired. And he said, hey, I'm too gorgeous to turn down. He pulled me in. And I didn't panic up in another situation. Blah-de-blah. Blah-de-blah, blah, blah. Like it's this twang like this.

It's like when you hear Americans do impressions of British people, but it's like an American doing an impression of an American and like not quite getting it. It's so weird. That's a good way to put it. Like I don't know where you're from. But you're trying to be from somewhere else. And I don't know where that is either. It's just there's a lot of very strange performances where I feel like everyone's acting as hard

as they can. That was some dinner theater acting though. That was like a, I'm just a southern bale. I've seen war. I've seen tragedy. Blah de blah. Blah, blah, blah. We'll get to why everybody's giving incredibly hard, stilted performances in the bonus podcast.

There's a moment in this where she says she was in Dante's and Burt Reynolds says the showgirls have mustaches and the waitresses can rip a phone book in half. Which he says it like an insult, but I'm like, yes, please. Yeah, that sounds like kicks ass. Yeah. Is it like a wrestling one? Yeah, it's like some kind of wrestling themed, like bearded lady kind of establishment. Like what? I mean, it's Vegas, so. Yeah, it sounds great. Maybe. Dante's the one full of incredibly strong women.

What? There's a... Okay. That's a themed casino? Of the strong woman casino? Cause that would be very popular. The Can Can Dancers are dudes? I mean, it sounds really fun. It sounds like a fun night, Bert. It's called Dantes. Dantes are always fun. They know what they're doing.

Apparently, during the sexual assault, this man who we learn later is named Danny DiMarco and is heir to the Kentucky mafia. Everything you say in this movie is fucking crazy. And he calls his cock the envy of all mankind, not as a descriptor, but as a name, like he would name a boat. He has named his cock. It's probably on the call sheet like fourth place. This guy's cock is probably fourth on the call sheet. There's a lot of this guy's cock in the movie. Yeah, I want to say it's not quite the inciting incident, but it's definitely the MacGuffin that carries the rest of the movie through,

is the condition of this man's penis. It's what we use to advance the plot. And I'm not making a joke. She wants his nuts in her hand. She says that twice. Three of them with guns. You gotta do it. You gotta go in there and soften them up and give me my chance. Chance for what? I want his nuts in my hands.

And if I get killed? Be miserable for days. That's my girl. I want this guy so bad for what he did to me. And you'll help me. You'll help me get his nuts in my hands, yes? Just to be clear, what I said before wasn't a mistake. No, yes. But it's weird.

At first, she's like, I want to sue him. At first, she just says, I want to sue him for this. That's what she's giving him to go on. We don't get to this whole, oh, I actually want to an eye for an eye or whatever, ball for something until a little later, until Burt has gone and talked to this lady from the hotel who knows about this guy, who he has insane chemistry with. Yeah, yes.

Like this maid that he's talking to, it's nuts. Yeah, normally you wouldn't cast her as like a romantic option. She's kind of like, matronly and... Yeah, yeah. Age appropriate for Burt Reynolds, which is, you know, probably 20 years too old for a movie. Right. I think they should have though. Absolutely.

Like, they could not keep their hands off each other. Behind the scenes, I believe that they really were having sex. Oh yeah. Now he's kind of agreed after she used the most childlike reverse psychology, she's like, you're not tough enough to do it. And Burt Reynolds is immediately like, no, I am. I totally am. Just immediately agrees to go fuck these guys up for her.

But first, he has to chaperone the ghost busting weenie, the camp counselor weenie around for a night on the town. It's fun, but I'm going to say it's a weird choice for this movie that started off with with like neo noir darkness, like, oh, the sexual assault in this scumbag stuck in Vegas is gonna try to redeem himself by defending her, and now let's stop and do a little Rob Schneider movie. Like, I guess we'll probably get into this. I didn't look up much about the making of this movie.

My sense is that it was probably a troubled production, but this is two movies jammed together. And when they meet at the apex of each, it's completely insane. But this part here when Peter McNichol is like, oh, I'm going to gamble. Oh, all right, I'm going to gamble now, is a line that he says. And then he's like, my God, I won. He's a weird little freak about it.

He's such a weird little freak. Yeah, he's a weird little freak. But right away, he's immediately just like, all right, this guy is like, he's fretting over, he's like, oh, I don't know if I bet $5. The thing is, I could win $5 back, but I could also lose that $5. He's sort of like thinking through the logistics of the process of gambling. Yep. It reminds me of that other movie that you guys talked about like a few months ago.

Fever Pitch. Fever Pitch, yeah. We're on like a string of movies that don't understand but extensively talk about gambling. They had a Bangkok knockout last week too. That's true. Yeah. Holy shit, maybe that's the thing that unifies our podcast. Wow. There's a there's a thing that's about this character. Everybody knows Max. Everybody knows Nick. And so all the characters are like saying hi to him or coming up and

talking. And there's one part where this lady just drives up and screams, Hey guys, what a blow job. And then Burt Reynolds like, oh, how's it going, Kathy? And then she didn't have her glasses on, so she didn't know that she knew him. And she puts her glasses on. Oh, oh, hey, man, sorry. Sorry for offering a blowjob. And then they say Merry Christmas to each other.

I think it's the traditional Las Vegas Christmas greeting. Do you want a blowjob? Do you want a blowjob to you? It's like the filmmakers knew that, hey, we gotta have the other characters in the movie. Oh, everybody knows this guy. And that just kind of got warped into about as weird a direction as you can go. I think there's one weirder direction because there's a third movie. This is already real edgy neo noir scumbag drama. Now it's a wacky fish out of water buddy, buddy cop comedy bit. And for a little bit, it's a fucking Jackie Chan movie. It is a Jackie Chan movie and it starts here.

And like it started so bad and so dark and needlessly, needlessly edgy. And it just keeps getting more fun. And it gets abruptly more fun right here, where Burt Reynolds ditches the nerd and he's like, okay, I'm gonna follow through on Holly's request. And he puts on, I guess, a Burt Reynolds ass-kicking outfit, and it's the most fantastic thing I've ever seen. I know everybody here wrote a description of it. Oh, I did, actually. I need to hear him.

I wrote down that he is wearing one-third of a couch cover and the eye of Agamotto. Merritt, do you have any descriptions for him? I had like, he's wearing an insane paisley suit with a shirt that has a popped collar and this massive medallion that looks like something Dr. Strange would wear. Yes. I had Turkish Dr. Strange in my notes. I wrote down it's what the priest who buried Prince wore to the wake. I also had Moon Pager salesman. I'm not sure that makes sense.

He's got, and it's Burt Reynolds. So you got a picture of Burt Reynolds in kind of brown face. He's got this black and white paisley silk blazer, these huge lapels, even bigger shoulder pads. And he's got like frilly furry cuffs on the jacket. It's fantastic. I think in the text of the film, in the text of the film, this is supposed to be a pimp disguise.

Right. I think we find that out later. Yeah. It's not clear at first. Like it's like, why is he dressed like, because he doesn't say he doesn't tell us his plan. And he is, he is, of course, wearing that huge, huge gold medallion looks like it weighs five pounds. He's got leather pants and a full chain, just an actual chain for a belt, not a chain turned into a belt, but a chain instead of a belt. It's very, very Mr. T.

Wait, wait, oh, I forgot, I had one more. This is what your end game character looks like in Fallout New Branson if you're only paying attention to stats. Well, that's a good point too, because I feel like this movie, because of how disjointed it is, it just feels like an open world game

where Burt Reynolds is just like ditching quest lines and like taking other ones as he sort of pleases. He's like, all right, the PeterNicol thing is not going anywhere. This is boring. I'm gonna go pick up that whole battered woman thing now. It's the Grand Theft Auto thing where he's got like a quest chain around one guy and you're like, I don't want to do the goddamn little Jacob missions anymore. I'm gonna, I gotta break this up with somebody else. I need somebody else's quest line for a bit.

The Holly quest line got a little dark. I need to do the nerd questline for a little while. So he knocks on Demarco's door in the casino, he meets one of his several just total beefhead bodyguards. They were actual NFL linebackers at the time. And he talks his way into there by just sort of gently implying he might be a pimp. And they're like, he's dressed like that, it checks out. They do use some deep Mexican slurs against him, which is a wild thing to watch a white man call Burt Reynolds a Mexican slur.

And he just nods like, yes, I have heard that before. Burt Reynolds, that's fucking wild. So we find out that, I don't need to go into the graphic details of the sexual assault, but they do. This is the second time they do it. I really don't need to go into the graphic details of the sexual assault, but they do. This is the second time they do it. I really don't like... We should, like... It's kind of integral to the bad guy's character, but he has a thing where upon threat of death, he'll make his victims tell him that they love him, which is just like this extra level of violation to add to...

You're right. That is the one thing that carries through. Yeah. That is relevant to add to. You're right. That is the one thing that carries through. Yeah. Like that is relevant to the plot. And having a gun inside another person is something most characters refer to because the woman had that happen to her. And then they talk about it here. Burt Reynolds brings it up to the bad guy. Burt Reynolds brings it up later when he's talking to Peter McNichol about what to do when someone pulls a gun on you, you put it up their butt.

I'm just saying that the person who wrote this movie, the same man who wrote The Princess Bride really seems to have a thing about guns going in you, but not where you're thinking. They're facing off over the details of the sexual assault and Burt Reynolds is like, okay, I see where this is going. He sees that violence is imminent and he withdraws his weapons, which are an American Express card and a Visa card. Those are his deadly weapons that he brought, his two credit cards. And then the movie knows this. They're like, oh shit, Burt Reynolds is armed now.

I genuinely didn't get this. Like, this whole scene, I... Oh, we're going to break it down very intricately. I've got many clips and we're going to... This is going to be the bulk of the podcast. I want to say, DiMarco is played by this guy, Neil Berry, who... I think he was like 20, 21 when this was made. And he's such a good piece of shit. He's just like...

Immediately when he's on screen, even if you didn't know the stuff that in like the plot he has done, you'd just be like, I cannot wait for Burt Reynolds to like kick the shit out of this guy. Yeah, he's got a piece of shit face. Yeah, absolutely. So he pulls a gun on Burt Reynolds and does his whole like, I need you to tell me what a great guy I am or how much you love me. I'll give you a chance. I like it's like the classic villain thing.

Just like, yeah, no, come on. I like you. I called you some really horrible stuff two seconds ago, but. Yeah, you Burt Reynolds, a Mexican slur. Right. That was weird of me. I don't know where that came from. You're clearly not, but let's roll with it. This is this is how it starts.

If I let you walk out free as air, I want people to know how sweet I am. So tell me, talk to me now. Tell me about my good qualities and if I believe you, you're free as air. You're a peach of a guy. You're a number one. You're a swell fella. Peach of a guy? Yeah. You've failed so far, Nick. But I like you.

I do. So I'll give you just one more shot. So go on. Tell me about my good qualities. Sinister. My good qualities. Dun dun. Dun dun.

But the music's right. Shit does kick off in what I think is one of the greatest fight scenes ever filmed. We're gonna dissect it. First, Burt Reynolds. what I think is one of the greatest fight scenes ever filmed, we're gonna dissect it. 15 out of 10. First, Burt Reynolds... I'll play the sound clip first and then explain what you've just heard. Get him out of here. Now that's Burt Reynolds kicking one of the beefhead's knees in half four times.

And now I'm not joking, literally the first kick explodes the bone from his leg. And then Burt Reynolds starts kicking the bone. The first kick is just blood explodes out of his knee, the bone is out. And he just like, how? Okay. I mean, Sean, like you're a martial arts person, like how hard do you have to kick someone's knee to do this? Well, when I was in fifth grade,

my karate instructor said it just takes like three pounds of pressure to kick somebody in the knee. Oh, damn. But I've never seen that. And I've seen John Jones, who's one of the most, probably the greatest fighter of all time, has kicked dozens of men in the knee. It's kind of his thing.

He's a real dick about it. No one's knee has ever exploded into steak like this. So. Like, maybe it even took Burt Reynolds by surprise because he keeps kicking. Like, he kicks him four times. There's never a time where one kick will do when Burt Reynolds will not substitute four kicks instead. Right. I can guarantee you that the kick that Burt Reynolds threw, there's no part of the human body that will turn into steak when that kick hits

it. It just absolutely explodes. And then then he uses the real weapons. I'll play the sound clip and explain what you've heard. Now that is Burt Reynolds slipping the credit card between his fingers like Wolverine and slashing their faces because he's like a charge card gambit. He slashes their faces open with his credit cards. He's charged them with financial energy. Yeah. Is this in any like, because I know you write a lot about a lot of these personal self-defense kind of books.

Are there any that are like, oh, for an improvised weapon, try putting your Visa card between your fingers and slashing your attacker's eyes? It's funny. I have several books on exactly this subject and none of them right suggest a credit card. That's too stupid even for them. I have a book that shows you how to kill a kill a terrorist on a plane with a food

tray with like a 1970s airline food tray. And I do not have any about slashing somebody on the nose. Damn. All right, so here's what happens next. I'll play the sound clip and explain what you've just heard. First it's important to establish that those little musical stings, that's not the clip repeating. Every time Burt Reynolds makes a cool move, that musical sting plays.

And he's doing this in rapid succession, so it's just going off over and over and over again. And what that sound clip was, was Burt Reynolds turning and frisbeeing his huge gold pimp medallion like Sailor Moon's Moon Tiar action straight across the room and into DeMarco's mouth so hard he flies backwards from the impact, slams into a chair and slides across the room again from getting hit in the mouth with a frisbee gold pimp medallion. Incredible. It reminds me of when Tom Banger was killing guys by frisbeeing books at him in The Principle. At this point, I did not know he was supposed to be a good fighter because all this was so fucking stupid

that I was just like, this guy's just like, is his power that he's really lucky? Because he doesn't seem to know how to fight. Okay. I mean, it kind of is at some point, it sort of is. But no, he's supposed to be the deadliest man in the world. This is all supposed to be dead serious choreography. I know sometimes we break into like a Rob Schneider movie. That's not what this part, this is the dark

part. And keep in mind, Burt Reynolds is dressed like a pimp costume that would get you kicked out of the party. For where? This is the next one, I'll play it and explain what it was. That's Burt Reynolds taking a long careful lineup for the most glorious testicle punt in cinema history. He takes half the room as a running start and just makes a field goal. That man's nuts. This is the fire punt or whatever from... This is the fire punt. You're right.

Oh, the robot knew. This is the fire punt. Yeah. Like his the you're right. That's all the robot knew. This is the fire punt. Yeah, like his foot might as well have been on fire. Right. And there's these like weird slow motion effects throughout this where it's kind of like a 70s 80s TV show kind of thing, like the six million dollar man sort of thing where it's like very stilted, very odd editing choices. Those musical stings for every single movement he does. Okay, this next one needs a little bit of

prep. You're about to hear like 50 impact sound effects and what it's going to sound like, it's going to sound like you're hearing a fistfight and that's that you're thinking like, oh, Burt Reynolds and the Beefhead guys are exchanging blows, this is a very rapid-fire fistfight. No, every single one of these impact sounds is a different kick from only Burt Reynolds. So keep that in mind as the pacing goes, like, count how many there are and how fast they are. This is Burt Reynolds just unloading machine gun kicks into this Beefhead who has had his testicles exploded. Well, one more time while he is's like, did you have enough kicks? No, you need one more kick.

So many editing choices went into this that it's kind of hard to tell when Burt Reynolds is just going nuts on a guy's dick, or if it's like cutting back and showing it again like a Jean-Claude Van Damme kick. Yeah. Because he'll like, there's one part where it frees frames, and then it jump cuts, and then it slo-mos and pauses in the middle of a fall, and then slo-mos again, and then it's just like, what are you,

do they hit every fucking button on their machine? Right. If they had had like, emboss buttons and like, flips and stuff, they would have done that too. Stone wipe, emboss, drop shadow. There's a part where he does a jumping knee to the other goon and there's an echo, like, oh, oh, oh, and it's like he beat the guy in Street Fighter 2 or something, because he depleted his health bar. Now, his final move, maybe the same you're talking about, is Burt Reynolds.

I interpreted it as a flying two-footed drop kick, but what's great about this is how much room, how much run-up he gets, because this is to the beefhead who's had his knee exploded and is completely out of the fight. He's just standing there, and Burt Reynolds sees him like a cat seeing a mouse and gets this running start over the entire room, gets, I want to say, 12 feet of air, catapulting this beefhead across the room into a glass table. The run-up cracks me up, just listen for the footsteps. ["The Runaway", by The Runaway plays, and the music is played in the background.] Oh, Jesus Christ. That's if you think we were embellishing any of that. Go look up heat. It's around 30 minutes, 30, 38 minutes in.

It's it's just ridiculous fight scene of all time. It'll be there. It's like if Jackie Chan didn't know this was silly, like totally if this was. But everything else was the same. And also could you imagine if you were in the room and you were like, Oh, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. fight scene of all time. It'll be there. It's like if Jackie Chan didn't know this was silly, like tonally, if this was... But everything else was the same. And also couldn't throw a kick.

But had to throw 8000. So that ding was Holly. That was Holly coming up the elevator into this hotel room, just spattered in goon, just dripping with goon. And she says, it's them. So it was in question? Right. It was not so Bert Reynolds ate three men. She's good. Shat them out on the floor and brought you in to identify their bones. It's them. What if it wasn't them? What have you done?

He did say that I got a pretty serious lawsuit in my hands. Like he's joking about what would happen if it wasn't them. So DeMarco, he has DeMarco tied on the floor, and Holly whips out the envy of all mankind, which was his cock. And then she pulls out gardening shears and like, oh, it's on now. He tries to bribe them with $20,000 and they do take it. he tries to bribe them with $20,000 and they do take it, but then she also takes his cock and the gardening shears and you think she's gonna cut off his dick and like, oh, this is such a dark, serious movie. What she does is gives him, and they repeatedly refer to it this way throughout the movie, a little tiny cut on top of his penis. Like she tries to get Burt Reynolds in on it, like in on like the sexual torture that's happening. And like to be whatever, fair play, I'm not judging, but like that's what it is. And he's just like, no, this is your show. He's like, I'm good.

Like, he's watching though. He's watching that penis. I'll watch, but like, I'm not going to like get myself involved in this. You know, it shows that he's, I'm not here to torture people. I'm, you know, I got paid to get the guy's dick in your hands. And my job's done. What you do with it, it's up to you. It also had the tone of a guy who didn't want to be in the movie,

which I thought was a little funny. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like that they give us too many details about the penis. We know so much about everyone's junk from the entire movie. Leave something to the imagination is is what I'm saying. Like, you could show a battered woman getting thrown out of the car, we're like, wow, we know what happened.

She doesn't have to explain it literally three different times in the movie. Just like this penis. I guess we need to know whether she cut it all the way off. But like, we don't need to like know the depth of the incision and things like that. And the placement. It's specifically on top of his penis. It's very clinical. I should know that.

We don't have to know that. And they say that every time. Every time they speak of it, they're like, the little cut on top of his penis, which is named the envy of all mankind. Mm-hmm. But she loved this. She was like, like they take the money, right?

And they're leaving and she's like, ah, just a left torture for that man. Like, oh, that was no regrets. Well, you know, that was a lot of fun. So she splits the $10,000 with him. Well, she tries to he denies it and then she like sneaks it back to him using like another just nearby wiener. Like, I don't know what that was. Are wieners a natural resource in Las Vegas? Like this is your classic 80s college professor in a sitcom and he's there for no reason just to relay the 10k. This is another like, she took such a giant dump on this man's life. She's like, hey,

go give this envelope to that guy. Most people would just be like, no, you do it. But like there's $10,000 in it. And he goes over and he's like, here, she said to give this to you, and he pulls that $10,000. That guy for the rest of his life has to think like, I could have had, all I had to do was just not do someone a favor and I would have had $10,000. So was that a, why did they do that? Was this a trap? Did I fall into some kind of trap? You would be wondering like, am I criminally implicated in the answers? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Your accessory to dick crime. So Burt takes the $10,000 and goes gambling, and he stumbles across the ghost-busting

wiener. We now have to differentiate wieners. There are so many wieners, metaphorical and otherwise, in this movie. And it sort of teaches him how to gamble and teaches him how to be a friend. He turns his $100,000 or his $10,000 into $100,000, which is the magical amount that he needed to go to Venice for five years, which was his goal. Yeah, he gives like, there's this whole scene, this whole very long scene of him playing blackjack and he gives this like weird speech about like, well, I see what you've got. And here's what I've got. And I need a two and you're going to flip over to right. Cause

it's like his friend he was dealing. You're going to give me a two right now. Cause that's what I need to win. And that's what's going to happen. And the two is going to come up for me. And then it does. And she's like, holy shit. I can't believe we're in a movie right now where you got the two you needed.

And, uh, you think like she's cheating, right? Because he's only getting twenties and like 21s and just constantly winning. And it's like, but it doesn't seem like that is the case, actually. He's just insanely lucky. Yeah, I didn't know if he was super lucky or if he was somehow manifesting reality. Right. That could have been a cheating thing. It's fucking weird. But he talks like in this scene and for the rest of this movie, he kind of talks like a space monster. Like he's just like, not talking like a human being would when he's explaining what gambling is,

or how blackjack works, or any of these things. Or fighting. Or fighting, or just like any of this stuff. Was there a version of the script where he was just this weird badass that everything went well for? He's like, I'm gonna, you're gonna fucking give me that too because I'm the fucking destroyer. And then he like went and killed all those guys. And then they added the battered woman

and they added Peter McNichol. And then the movie turned into Slop, but I don't know. It feels like this was part of a, like a tough guy movie that once existed. And now it's just weird. Like why, why is he winning? It is many sets because there's many separate movies. Like these movies are, they do meet, but it's very strange.

It's very awkward when they meet. These movies have no chemistry with each other. And we've only kind of touched on it, but like throughout this movie, there is like this omnipresent saxophone that is just playing like all the time. Sometimes there's an acoustic guitar playing too, but it's just like this incredibly loud saxophone, like this mournful sax playing. Well, Burt Reynolds' character does

complain about headaches. I thought maybe this was that. The saxophone playing. Oh, I thought it was the saxophone playing inside of his mind always. Yeah, he's got a mind saxophone. That's what's giving him the headache. I don't know. He's haunted by a brain saxophone, a tumor that is manifesting in saxophone all the time. So he has this plan to go to Venice. He's like, I'm going to go to Venice for five years and I need $20,000 a year. And Peter Marnick goes like,, so like what then? And he's

like, just question marks appear above his head. And I'm like, oh, I see myself in this character now. Because he's like, oh, I need this much money to survive the next five years. And after that, like, I don't know. I'm basically a different person by that point. It's not my problem. He did occur to him that for the very first time when the wiener raised that right. And then he's like, he immediately switches. he says, fuck, I need $250,000. Yeah. That'll be like, I don't know, 12 years? That's like infinite money, but I will be a millionaire with $250,000.

He's right. So he loses all of that because at the last possible moment, I guess because he got greedy, he had magical luck up until that point. And now the movie stops to be about him and the Ghostbuster weenie. He's teaching the Ghostbuster weenie how to be tough. Yeah, he's called Duke now. His real name's Cyrus, but they decide he needs a tougher name. And his backstory is that one time he saw an old guy in Boston with a sign on his back that said, please don't hit me. He didn't want to be that guy. Yeah, I wasn't that guy.

They saw a weird guy with a sign that said, please don't hit me, and he's like, fuck. Shit, I'm gonna be that guy. So he went and read Soldier of Fortune magazine until he found a classified for a mercenary. And this is the movie now. The movie now is a fish out of water comedy as it's, it's, it's Karate Kid.

Burt Reynolds is doing Karate Kid with a, with a, with a weenie. And to be clear, there are 30 minutes left in the movie at this point. Yes. Like, it's like we're starting a plot about Burt Reynolds teaching this rich kid weenie how to be successful or like how to be cool. And that guy teaching Burt Reynolds how to like do money and stuff and there is like a third of the movie. It's like right out of like the it came right out of the neo noir edgy drunk detective movie I just lost everything's I'm fucking addicted to gambling. Let's do a karate kid.

You with me. I like I've got a clip of just this interaction so you can get the tone, the massive wild tonal shift that just happened. Alright. And you hit me pretty hard, right? No, you hit yourself. Yeah, I hit pretty good, huh? Alright, uh... Come on, Ace, you may have created a monster here. Alright. Didn't know this was coming, did you?

What are you doing now? I'm attempting to bob and weave. Just forget that for a while. I'm attempting to bob and weave. Is this the same fucking movie? Right. Also, there's one line read here that I wanted to draw attention to when they're talking on the rooftop about how Burt Reynolds lost all his money and Peter McNichol is like,

I'm afraid I'm going to be a man with a sign and my dad was a compulsive gambler and that's what you are. We've never really mentioned that up to this point, but I guess Bert Reynolds turns to him and just says like, I'm an addict. Like he doesn't hit the line right. He doesn't say I'm an addict. He's like, I'm an addict. Well, I'm a basement. We're the perfect team.

Right. It's very strange. He just does not care. He's not give a fuck about what is happening. He just wants to get through it. For the fourth time in my notes, I wrote, what is this movie? Because we do this part for a very long time and then it suddenly screeches to a halt like the movie remembered the rest of the movie. It's like, wait a minute, he's in a lot of trouble.

Those guys are still alive and they know what he looks like and what his name is. It genuinely forgot and they do. They just come, they come to his mob, to Mechs' mob friend Baby, who runs Las Vegas, and they have a mob trial for him in the hotel room, and DeMarco is lying. He tells a lie that Burt Reynolds broke into their hotel to steal $20,000 and shot and killed the two beefheads, which he didn't. He left them alive. And I guess, I guess because the reality that Burt Reynolds, of all people, kicked them a thousand times and slashed their faces with credit cards sounds fucking ridiculous. But he asks his defense, Burt Reynolds' defense, is two questions. The first one is, why would I need a gun? Fucking, this was like a punch to my face. Like all of Las Vegas knows intimately that Max never uses guns because he's the deadliest man alive and his specialty is edged weapons.

Yeah, he's the Joker, basically. Fucking out of nowhere. We were doing a detective movie. Like they had that full fight scene that was supposed to tell me this man's a badass and it like, it was so dumb and bad that it didn't even occur to me that this guy was a badass here they're just telling me he's known far and wide as the blademaster like what's Burt Reynolds yeah in that jacket and he's a master of edge weapons like credit cards and medallions and kicks because I've never seen him use a knife before you know you did like he didn't use a knife no way you know you're dead. Like, he didn't use a knife. No, why? Has he held a knife in this movie so far? No, no he has not.

He's held a credit card. I don't think he kills a single man with a knife, does he? No, I don't think he ever uses a knife. Maybe later? I don't think he has yet. No, he doesn't, he doesn't ever. He's the master of edge weapons and so his cover is, you know me, I would never use a gun because I'm the knife guy. And then the baby says, that's why it would be the perfect cover.

Because nobody would expect knife master to use a gun. He's murdered so many people that he'd hide a few gun murders in there. Oh my god. It's genius. He was telling me that he murdered your men with a fax machine and two diapepsis. That's the man I know. He would never use a gun. And then Bert's...

It doesn't work. That would be the perfect cover. So Bert has a second part to his defense. And it's... Play the clip. It's this. I'll just play the clip. I know you got a clip.

I got a clip. How is it that I know that Mr. DeMarco here has a small but definite cut on the upper side of his penis? The answer is I saw it put there by a sweet young lady with a pair of garden shoes. What is this crap? I think I'm lying. You can have him drop his pants. You're not buying this crock, are you, baby?

Oh, you better have somebody get a microscope so we can find mr. DeMarco's pecker I'm not stripping for nobody afraid you must Daniel after all Nicholas here is risking his life on a very Unusual long shot. It's a it's a mob legal drama penis evidence Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Holy shit. Oh, it's so... It's like, it's Las Vegas law that if you've got a hotel trial for the death penalty, you

have to show your undamaged penis if requested. There's a thing that I thought the movie was calling back to too, because Danny pulls a gun and earlier Peter McNichol asks Burt Reynolds, what would you do if someone had a gun? And Burt Reynolds says like, oh, if they're 20 feet away, I'm in trouble. But if they got all Hollywood and got close to me, I'd stick it up their ass. So here's the bad guy pulling a gun. I'm like, oh, Burt Reynolds, he put that gun up his ass. I think it's- We'll turn it around. ... on checkoff called this my ass gun. That's what that's that's what we get that term. If you shove a gun up someone's ass in the first act, it has to come out. Exactly. The

third act. But no, it doesn't. He doesn't get the gun put up his ass. So now we transform into our final movie. We've been hard edged Las Vegas leads. We've been Jackie Chan. We've been we've been karate kid with Rob Schneider. We've been fucking Las Vegas dick trial drama. Now we're kind of hard target. It's a it's a manhunt. But he turns it on his attackers. So the nerd comes by to give Burt Reynolds a ticket to Venice

and twenty thousand dollars to come with him. The first Burt Reynolds is sadly taking all his Venice posters down. Right. Yes, you're right. Like he's rolling up like you mentioned before, he's rolling up like his 20 different Venice posters. But he's not giving up on the dream. He's not tearing them up and throwing them in the trash. He's delicately rolling them to move to his next apartment.

To put somewhere else. Oh, also that check that he gives him for $20,000 is only cashable in Venice. In Venice. With him. Yeah. So like, I don't mean to read into anything, but this is a weird relationship. There's a spark of something. Okay, I didn't take a clip, but the line is, the nerd looks him up and down very sensually after offering him this check for $20,000 to take a Venice vacation with him.

He says, I don't know if you've found the right look for yourself. I'd like to see you in a Brooks Brothers suit. To which Bert smirks and says, and I'd like to see you without one. We are in full on like a manga territory at this point. Like, it's an absolutely there is something there. I had that in my notes as well. Believe it or not, I also picked up on that. I feel bad for picking up like it's... but that's not me. If you had Burt Reynolds, you'd go, and I'd like to see you without a suit. Like, you're fucking.

Oh, yeah. 100%. Another sledgehammer, I was just like, he's a blademaster? He's been gay this whole time? Fuck! He's the gay blademaster of Las Vegas? What the fuck are we doing, movie? So shadowy figures loom outside, just as they've fallen in love, Burt tells the nerd to run, he uses the punching magic Burt Reynolds taught him, and then he hurls himself in front of the bullets meant for Burt Reynolds. Which is out of nowhere unless they're in love!

No, that's the way I read that. One of the most unintentionally funny scenes I've ever seen in a movie. Like when you guys did that episode, like last year, whatever, unintentional funny movie scenes like this to me is like, Yeah, it's up there. Peter McNichol doing this whole like, because they had trained earlier with like, oh, it's like good to punch someone when they don't know it's coming. So he sneaks up to he's like, I'm you guys are living on something.

I'm gonna get out of here. And he's like trying to bail except that he backhands one guy and then Bert's like, no, no, no. And Peter gets just like lit the fuck up. Like he's shot like a half a dozen times, like center mass and Bert dives out the window. He's literally, he doesn't take the bullets right after delivering that punch. He sees that they're about to shoot Burt dives out the window. He's literally, he doesn't take the bullets right after delivering that punch.

He sees that they're about to shoot Burt Reynolds, and he takes a flying leap, and he is literally doing the get down Mr. President comical leap. Yeah. Chest first to take like a million laps. Just getting hair shuggled. Instantly done. And this was heartbreaking because Burt Reynolds comes back after the bad guys escape. He like tricks him. He hides nearby and they run off to catch him.

He comes back and watches him die. And I was like, that's like... They compress this love story down into like two minutes. Yeah. He's like, oh, there's no pain. Yeah, he like died a tough guy. Holy shit, man. A full arc. They had a full love story, full action movie arc. And now he's I'm like, that's such a bummer. They've concluded in the bummer but logical place for that to end. Located within the whole story located within two minutes, an hour and 15 minutes into this hour and a half long.

Crazy. Anyway, now it's hard target but Reynolds is powered up on revenge. He Jackie chans himself over a fence. Because it's always funny to watch Burt Reynolds like Burt Reynolds can't do that. He's got a bad back or something. I know just looking at it. And he leads them to sort of like a construction site power plant, maybe just an obstacle course for hard targets. It's like a totally generic laser tag arena. There's just piles of it might be a brick factory. If it's not, it's just bricks. Just excellent.

It's so cool. But they're in her, this is his turf now, Cinder Block land. Like, oh shit. Cinder Block land. He kills a man with a pallet of cinder blocks and then literally hops away into the night, vanishing like a kangaroo ninja which Burt Reynolds is is now he picks up a thing a rebar and javelins a guy into a power box that's exactly what i had written

down he just javelins a pair of pieces of rebar from this guy's chest distance throws it from across the warehouse we just see his dramatic shadow like with with perfect Olympic form, grabs this piece of rebar, throws it like 300 meters through a man, all the way through him into a fuse box, electrocuting the guy from the inside. And the guy just screams for like two straight minutes. But then that's like, oh, surely there isn't going to be like a more completely insane kill in this movie. But like five seconds later, he's like finds some old gas cans, douses a guy in gasoline, and then like just like leaps six feet into the air

and kicks out a light bulb that the sparks set the man on fire? So fucking rad. My notes say fucking sweet at the rebar and then so fucking rad at the gasoline karate to the light. Like he jumps over this guy's head and like up to the ceiling. And I'm really pissed off

because he's been a super Rambo this whole time. This whole movie could have been Rambo-ing. Like, give me this, whatever script this was in, that's what I want. Peter McNichol's great. He can't unlock his berserker rage Give me this, whatever script this was in, that's what I want. Peter McNichol's great. He can't unlock his berserker rage until Peter McNichol, his one true love, dies. His one true love.

And then he has access to these depths of fury, you know? That's what set him off. It really is in the terms of this movie. That's what fucking happened is that the love of his life just died. And now he's Super Rambo jumping 16 feet in the air to karate kick a light bulb and turn a man into a fireball my favorite part of that is that he doesn't stop and say something cool he doesn't even break his stride he just keeps running into the shadows as this man explodes that was a stealth kill for him so he retreats to his

natural habitat which is swinging through the rafters like a little monkey. Burt Reynolds. Burt Reynolds. He's like 15 years old at this point. He is exactly 50 years old. Cowboy boots probably. He's swinging through the rafters like a ninja.

The air ambushes the rest of the guys. He starts punching one guy and they all just watch him until they're like a quarter mile away. He just punches this guy around a corner through a hallway, and they're like, well, we got to wait for him to finish. DiMarco just sees this and loses all of his nerve. He runs back to his casino to weep, but of course, Max is already in there, in the dark, like a teleporting. I wrote that in my notes before they even revealed that he was in there. I'm like, well fucking Burt Reynolds is already here, you dumbass. That's what it says. He has merged with the shadows, and he has. He's doing the full Batman. He's like,

I'm in the shadows, I am of the night. And while he empties his gun uselessly into the dark, only it turns out with one of them, he actually did chew her pants, which you never see in that Batman scene. You never see him like I am the night. Oh, god damn it. Oh, that first try, huh? You didn't say that didn't hit. I was I was wincing about something different. About what I'm gonna do to you. I guess he learned like ventriloquism and nom because he's just in a hotel suite. But he's like, you'll never find me. He's throwing his voice like everywhere around the room. Yeah.

And the best part is that he did find you and you just didn't let on that it didn't work. But he's such a badass. He talks to Marco into committing suicide rather than letting Burt Reynolds get his hands on. Yeah, I'm gonna rip your face off. And I'm like, I in know to have Oh shit, is he trying to make this guy shoot himself? Because he's just like, here's all the horrible things I'm gonna do. Do you want to get you to Marco? I'm gonna do this and this and I'm gonna hurt you real bad. It's to the pain. It's gonna be scary. Prince Humpadink. Right. Yeah. And it works. It works. It works. Prince Humpadink. Right. Yeah.

And it works. It works. He kills himself over and over. The same story beat that he did in Princess Bride. Uh huh. Being, being caught. Oh shit, right, because it's Goldman. That's where he's from. Oh my god.

Ah, that's why he's such a good shithead. Oh, wow. Okay, that all came together. Wow, so multiple movies where he's talked into losing himself. Just intimidating sadism is the winning strategy for the hero. That's William Goldman. So that's like, that's him plagiarizing himself. His one move is the hero has been really hurt and talks the bad guy into like shooting themselves. It's a weird thing. And ass guns, that and ass guns and penis cuts. There's a lot of penis cutting the Princess Bride if I remember correctly.

Yeah, exactly. And the director's cut. Yeah. The second he kills himself, it just abruptly cuts to Burt Reynolds lounging in a gondola while hijinks music plays. No, no, no, no. We skip the part where he's in the hospital and Cyrus, Peter McNacal is fucking alive somehow, despite the fact that he got shot like six times in the chest and was left to die.

And that was not in my movie. Died on screen. Sorry? That was not in my cut. What? That wasn't in my cut. That wasn't in my movie. Holy shit.

Okay, in my cut, maybe this is in my movie. Holy shit. Okay. In my cut, maybe this is part like an artifact of the fact that this movie is just like was directed by seven different people. But in the version that I watched on YouTube, Burt Reynolds is in the hospital at Cyrus's hospital bed. Pienerich Nicol is like, I'm going to come with you to Venice. And Burt's like, I've created a monster. And he's like, gee, I hope so. And it's like,

that's beautiful, but it doesn't fit the tone of this movie at all. Because the tone of the movie is Bert Reynolds bleeds out after he convinces that guy to shoot himself. Like that's what you think would happen. But no. That's what happened in my cut. That's the implication. Wait, seriously? Yeah. The implication of my cut is that he's holding his gut and the camera pans out into his gut as the, and then it cuts to him in Venice, like abruptly, like, and you're left to think. Holy shit. You're left to think, oh, this is his dying fantasy.

No, no, no, no. They're super cute together. It's like a pilot TV show. Like they're gonna set up Super Rambo and Bravest Little Tech Nerd. They get a rom-com ending? Yes. Yes. They get a fucking rom-com.

There's a rom-com alternate ending. Yes! Yes! They get a fucking Romcom! There's a Romcom alternate ending? Yes! They actually go to Venice and they're like happy and everything is fine. They have a beautiful gay life together in Venice! It's incredible. Fucking what? That's the perfect, that is the perfect way for this all to end. This movie that has never been the same movie for two minutes and is not the same movie depends on who watches it. Take us out, Funky Jazz! Aww yeah! I'm gonna rip your face off.

I got a feeling you like your face. It's never gonna be over. This part's just in his brain. This is the brain tumor. Three more steps and you're by. Even if you hit me, I'll get you. I'm gonna rip your face off. I'm gonna rip your face off.

I'm gonna rip your face off. I'm gonna rip your face off. I'm gonna rip your face off. I'm gonna rip your face off. I'm gonna rip your face off. I'm gonna rip your face off. I'm gonna rip your face off. I'm gonna rip your face off. I'm gonna rip your face off. I'm gonna rip your face off. This part's just in his brain. This is the brain tumor. Three more steps and you'll find. Even if you hit me, I'll get to ya.

There are nine shots in the clip. You've only got one. Give you a second. Cut. I'm topping the anus. 1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-Frankfurt Our podcast is great!

And with maximum power! Does Frankfurt podcast say? Correct! The power is not bad, it is not without! Send it in the dog zone for an hour! Come on, you know the number! 1-900 As children, they were lost to the wilds of Florida when their parents' yachts were exploded by Skeletor.

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