The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 190, Top Model Backwards With Dan McQuade

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

Seanbaby sets an impossible task based on his own vanity: Watch the episode of America's Next Top Model where Tyra Banks inserts herself into the lyrics of terrible songs written by models on half a lunch break. Only Brockway and guest, Dan McQuade are desperate enough to obey!

1-900-HOT-DOG Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say Hot Dog Podcast Word. Yeah! When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on! You know the number.

1-900 1-900-HOT-DOG Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the podcast for 1900hotdog.com. We are the final comedy website, the tiny bunker of joy, and the wasteland of undead media. We do daily investigative articles about deranged things written by professional paid humans just like the Golden Age and the Before Time. Our only support comes from listeners like you at patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. So join today! I'm Sean Baby, Enduring Web Journeyman, and my co-host is the Criss Cross Foundation's Biggittybuns Jump Jump Grant Award nominee, Robert Brockway!

Here's a Brockway fact. I once faked a dog's signature on a marriage certificate. No follow-up questions. I had a lot of questions on that one, but well, on are your rules. Our returning guest is a journalist, editor, and co-founder at Defector.com. He's hot dog favorite Dan McQuade. Welcome back, buddy. Thanks for having me back on and for letting me pick this one after the space dog fight. Space dogs. You tolerate one from us and then you get one.

Yeah, no, this is great. Yeah, I'm excited to see what you guys, like, subject me to next. Let's do a plug before we talk about the insane thing you brought to us. Where can people find more of you, Dan? People can find more of me at defector.com. I am actually, will be off paternity leave pretty soon. Possibly by the time you hear this episode, I will be back writing and making the little art and doing t-shirts and whatever else they have me do at Defector as our visual

editor and I'm very excited to be back. I'll give a little spoiler that I'm currently working on a story a little early. Finally got back into it a little early about the dress code in Pocket Billiards in America. So I'm very excited to see how this story is going to work out. Because it's me, I've already set up a guy who I'm meeting at the event. We're going to go to one of my favorite pizza places down the block. The Pennsylvania open for Billiards is like near where I grew up, which sounds just like really, like, accurate. I thought it was at a place

I actually played as a kid, like just like at a regular pool hall, but it wasn't. It was at a it's at one that like is like down the street. Oh, I thought you were gonna say it's a much a much fancier but no, just right. Oh, I thought you were gonna say it's a much fancier, but no, just right. I mean, like, no, it must be much fancier. There's no way it could possibly be less fancier. Yeah. With the blood on the green. I've been to those.

This is gonna sound crazy, but today we're talking about the obscure 2003 show called America's Next Top Model. There was a 2011 episode, season 17, episode 8, that Dan, you wanted us to watch. You do actually have good judgment when it comes to, but like when you said, let's do it on this, I'm like, yeah, sure, totally. I didn't even question it. It's like the one episode of the show that hits another level of just strangeness. Brockway, had you ever seen Next Top Model? Yeah.

I've got a... Do you guys got reality show wives? I have had a lot of reality show women in my life, yes. I like reality shows, like certain ones. Yeah, like I like The Garbage We Cover. That's how my wife likes reality shows. So I watched a lot of Top Model over the top of my laptop while I was working on something else. That's how I experienced most of this. I don't remember any single episode. What I do remember is that

pretty early on into the series it became apparent that Tyra Banks is completely insane. And not like, not like, oh, she's so crazy and quirky, but like genuinely a mad person. Yeah, we'll have evidence of that today. Yeah, for sure. She's, I want to say Fabio, but it's so much worse than Fabio. Like she's, she's terrible. Absolutely terrible at everything, everything she does. Butio. Like, she's terrible. Absolutely terrible at everything. Everything she does. But she's been pretty for so long that, like, maybe nobody's ever told her no? Because she can't conceive of it being like that she wouldn't be an expert in this thing that she

just made up because it's crazy. Because it's a crazy thing to do. I noticed just from this episode that she does have that energy where it's a thing no one has any expertise on and she's giving really big advice on it. Like, oh, you should have done something like this. And then she just does a completely subjective and arbitrary choice with a lot of enthusiasm. And then she'll say,, wait, well, not like that, but you know, you know what I mean? Like, no, you just said nothing for like 40 seconds. So my wife, the first thing I ever said to her was about RuPaul's Drag Race,

which is a show that is a direct parody of this show. It's same exact format, mini challenge, like mega challenge, walkway at the end, except it is like very, very much more professional and polished and fair. It is like the parody is significantly better than the original. Because it's not run by a total fucking maniac. Yeah.

I genuinely became sort of low-key obsessed because we were watching that, I think, very early days when I was writing writing my horror book trilogy that was about people that were emptied out by beings from the stars and were no longer human, and they behaved exactly like she behaves on this show. It's not that she's bad at everything she does, it's like she fundamentally doesn't understand what it is. It's like how a space alien would conceive of it. Like she's sitting here in this episode, right? They're singing and she's like, oh, well, I'm a beautiful singer. And then she'll like just make a fucking goat noise or something.

You're like, no, that's not what that is. Yeah, that's not what that is at all. You didn't even get what singing is. And she's like, no, but I'm the best at it. And like, it will never occur to her that she's wrong. I just became sort of low key obsessed with like, how, how unchecked narcissism can actually drive you completely mad. Speaking of, I had an ex that watched the show. She wasn't the narcissist, maybe a little bit, but like, they had Janice Dickinson come on. And she was a model that had gone to like, Like they had Janice Dickinson come on, and she was a model that had gone

to like desperate attention nerd in her old age. And she shows up on the show and she starts doing this bit where she's like, hey girls, who's the worst? Oh my God, what's the drama? And some like mousy girl was like, oh, well, you know, since you just asked, this girl's actually really mean to me. And she points to her bully,

but like this girl's a legitimate bully so she can like instantly switch to victim. And so this girl's like, what, huh? I've never been mean to me and she points to her bully. But like this girl's a legitimate bully so she can like instantly switch to victim and so this girl's like what? Huh? I've never been mean to her. What is she talking about? How dare she? And Janice Dickinson sensed this like power dynamic and sides immediately with the bully. So she flips her entire attitude and says to the mousy girl like you never ran out your sisters. Shut up bitch you're dead to me. And this girl just looks so sad and and this really like fucking wrecked me because I hate to see sociopaths like not get She's, shut up, bitch, you're dead to me. And this girl just looks so sad. And this really like fucking wrecked me because I hate to see sociopaths

like not get punched in the face. And so I like never watched the show again. I like was like fucking, if you wanna watch that show in the house, like I won't be in the room. Like it just made my skin crawl. It was a right move because that kind of thing happens all the time.

Like the most, perhaps the most genuine, and I mean, I'm not being funny, genuine maniacs are on this show. Like these are terrifying people on this show. I'm genuinely scared of a lot of these people. I'm scared of Tyra Banks straight up. Like, I don't know what's going to happen if we're in the same room. She would think nothing of killing you. Nothing.

I think she actually just might. I think that probably happens a lot in her life. Tyra has a tremendous way of turning everything back to herself no matter the situation, which I think is really impressive. I remember there was a clip that they played a lot on the soup from her talk show where she had on Spencer and Heidi, if you remember those people from the Hills, I think. And they were on the show talking about how they were going to adopt a black child from Africa because of, you know, Angelina Jolie or something. Angelina Jolie, sure. Yeah. And Heidi was like, yeah, and Spencer wanted to name him Dunk, you know, like Dunk of Basketball.

And like, to me, it's like, that's the worst thing I've ever heard. Yeah, a little racial. And you know, and Tyra just goes, oh, I thought you meant badonkadonk, like my ass, like something like just out of like, oh, you decided to not comment on this. Okay. And then you just decided to just move on by making it about yourself. You know what?

Good job. Hey, you successfully made your show less awkward, I guess. Yeah. In a way, great job. In another way, uh, I hate to see sociopaths not get punched, so that would have been very frustrating for me to look at. That's what I'm saying. Genuine medical lunacy on many levels. I have Spencer and Heidi's book, and it's really something. It's like a book on how to become famous. Tyra Banks' book. Have you seen that?

I think I might have Tyra Banks' book, but it's in my basement slop. I don't think I've ever tried to read it, but I think it was about a theme park that was themed after her. I think it was about a Tyra Banks themed theme park. I might be completely wrong about that, but that checks out. That does sound like something she would write. Model land. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the sense I got of that book. I should read that. That's got to be one of the craziest things ever written. I bet that's something. Can I read from Wikipedia about the inspiration for Model Land? Absolutely. Banks has said that the inspiration for Model Land happened one day while she was driving down a street in New York City.

She had been thinking about why supermodels are super. And the idea of Model Land came to mind. Well, why are they super? It's not like they have powers. Or do they? I wouldn't have told anybody that thought. God damn, that's childlike. But it would never enter into her mind, not to... There's like no self-criticism at all in her brain. It's just, yeah, that's the best thing anybody's ever thought of. That should be a book. And then she made it a book.

It topped the New York Times bestseller chart for... I bet it is. Yeah. I bet it is. Sorry, for children's chapter books. Oh no. I think if she was capable of being insulted, that would have insulted her. Oh, Jesus Christ. Like I said, I'm going into this cold, but I kind of got the sense from the editing that

we're supposed to hate these people. Someone involved in the production, at least post-production, fucking hates these people and is winking at us because they're competing in like a prettiest contest. And like the stakes in the show, you know, shows like this, they're very low. So the casual view, everything sounds insane. And it feels like that was really played up. Like the girls are talking about like, I just won best photo of the week, so everyone's going to be be gunning for me and when you're on top that people everyone's coming at you and I'm like I Don't know if maybe people who live in this house or watch the show every week think that's a big deal But it it lands like a punchline to me that that anyone could give a shit about

photo of the week on any week even the one you're living in And it's the photo of the week that it's always some insane whim. It's always about pleasing the insane whim of Tyra Banks. It's always like, I went swimming, so you should be a mermaid that looks like me. And you're like, okay, do we have to do that? Oh, we have to do that? Okay. You have to do it.

I guess let's get the plot going. They have a video call with a girl named Madison, who is an internet phenomenon. And she like is five years old and she tries to tell them what their challenge is going to be. And it is just incoherent gibberish. I looked this girl up and she did not pursue this life. I do not think this was her choice. She her IMDB credit has this and she has two followers on Twitter. So as soon as her mother let her stop going on YouTube, fucking she did. Yeah, I got that. I didn't even look that up, but I just wrote down an exploited YouTube child, like very

apparent. Yes. Yeah, absolute like viral slave. Well, it's weird that they talk about like when that the guy comes in, he's like, we're going to go viral just like little Madison did. And it's like, no, she didn't go viral. She recorded a video for you guys. That's not what going viral means.

Yeah, but they don't know what going viral means. I mean, I'm sure we've all worked in media during this era when marketers first found out about the word viral and then came into every meeting. That is a good point. That's a good point. Yep. Every single meeting was like, let's viral.

Do you guys viral? Let's get it viral in here. You don't. We should do a viral. You don't know what that means, but that was their idea. We had to try to, try to put, yeah, we'll do a viral. Do you know that that means accidentally fucking something up so badly that the whole internet makes fun of you?

Because that's what that means. That's one of the examples they use. Yeah, they used Rebecca Black as an example. And like, yes, she was a national punchline. Good job. Yeah, she got humiliated around the world. Like, she should be a cautionary tale, but they're like, they held her up as an example.

Her and Justin Bieber as examples of viral success. And so I looked up Rebecca Black, like, did this go well for her? And she has two new albums. But the vibe I get is people are like, you know, well for her? And she has two new albums. But the vibe I get is people are like, you know, it's not as bad as the catastrophic failure we all watched her have when she was a child. And I'm like, that's not that's troubling. Yeah, I don't know. Like the idea of being Rebecca Black, I have heard her songs. They're they're fine. Like, which is like, they're fine. Yeah, I just that she has that kind of fame that

you kind of want to caution people against, where it's like, everyone's kind of going to know who you are, but like, there's no life in it. Like, there's no money in it. There's no stepping stone to anything. If Rebecca Black goes to the chemical plant says, Hey, I'm looking for a job. They're like, what? No, you can't have a normal job. You're Rebecca Black. She's like, right, but I can't be a singer because I'm Rebecca Black. I do think these people can now sell like, like diet tea or like do spots for vacation spot, you know, like things on Instagram, like maybe twice before they die. And I don't know, it's just, to me, these kind of even in 2011, this was gross to me, but it's like, so much worse now in, in 2024, when like all the media that I love is it's gone to make space for people like like this show that the thing they're going for which is just to get attention not to like make something or or be interesting uh outside of just hey look at me look look look this direction and so I don't know it created this market incentive to be noisy rather than good and this show just fucking embraces it. They're like, girls, we're gonna go viral today by making a thing no one could possibly want to look at but will maybe.

And they didn't know they didn't know they did not. I guarantee there's a playlist on YouTube of the extended songs and there's there's not much. They don't have any hits or anything. extended songs and there's there's not much they don't have any hits or anything. Yeah, like Brockway said, we were all around when every editorial mandate was go viral. But that's super not predictable. Like, I don't know, I remember it cracked, we were pretty good about making good things. But like when I was at break.com, like they were just posting random shit like Disney princesses, I don't know, pumping gas, weighing hams, potatoes that look like Channing Tatum. Like, that's actually a real one on Buzzfeed.

But I don't know, maybe this is something. But right now there are thousands of people trying to recreate some like viral success they had. Like, one day they got 70,000 likes on a picture of banana cowboy hat. And now they've been dressing up fruit every day since. And for reasons they don't know and we don't know, the other fruits aren't working and they just keep doing it forever and no one will ever know about it. They just hatted fruit into the void and that's what this episode is.

It's hatted fruit into the void but we're looked like we saw it. We're seeing someone try something insane and it's not working. I remember back at Cracked, we had one super slick marketing guy and he was like, sure that he was the hottest shit and he was one of the guys that was like, hey viral, let's have something go viral, viral. And then we'd have to do these marketing meetings with him and like, we brought up like, oh, well this article we did yesterday did 5 million views. Right.

And he's like, yeah, but that's not viral. It's not viral, it's popular. It's got a lot of hits, but it's not viral. Yeah, we need a hamster dance. Do a hamster dance. Okay. You don't, you don't know what that means, do you? You're just like, you're just saying it because it feels really good to say it when you're wearing alligator shoes and a shiny shirt. You're like, viral! Yeah, I mean like one of the times I went viral is because I got drunk and went to a Hannibal Burruss show and accidentally ruined Bill Cosby's life, you know, because... So you went positive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean like I didn't really go viral. Like I didn't go viral at all. I made Hannibal Burruss go viral. I didn't go viral. That's fine. It's not my story to tell what Bill Cosby did And how about some good jokes about it? So it was his story and then Lots of women right but again, this isn't like what going viral They they want it like no one no one none of your bosses were like go viral today take down Bill Cosby That would have been a great top model shoot if somebody had introduced that. In this shoot, you're going to try to take down Bill Cosby. And think how many people have tried to recreate that exact viral.

That Hannibal Burr show, I've got to call someone out for horrific crimes. So people are just right now calling people out her and we'll never know about it. They'll get like two views on a thing where they're just calling someone a sex criminal, wondering why it's not working for them. Oh, but I guess we should explain like what is happening on this show. So they tell the models to make a video

and Tyra spin on it. The thing that will make it go viral is she's gonna make them add potlito. And I have an explanation for that. Wouldn't be top model all-stars without a twist. Now Tyra's come up with a really fun hook Pot Lido. And I got to make it fun because remember, we're making a viral video and it's all about fun. When I find out about pot-lead-um, I didn't know how it would work. And in the moment, I just felt kind of defeated.

Okay, we definitely need to get into some context for what happened there. But I just, my favorite no context part is that he's like, what if I say this crazy thing? They're like, hop on. Yeah, that's Tom on backwards, you fucking idiot. One of the dumbest people in the world just instantly clocks your little puzzle. I mean, like, lead them hot, but whatever. That's, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Like anything Tyra Banks does, it's completely insane, totally narcissistic. It's what an alien would do. It's a fucking Zatanna spell. Okay, thanks for that. But the context. Yes, please. Please try to explain whenever this is.

Okay, so this starts in stages. They don't know there's gonna be a video. They don't know about this pot-ledum thing. So their first challenge is just to write a song. Yeah, and you've got 20 minutes, none of them are songwriters, so they're obviously doing something very bad, and they're obviously doing something terrible. And except for one of them, the one you heard in that clip, who was like, I really don't like this, she decided to write a song about her father who recently died and tried to

make it very personal to her. So she wrote this song about her recently deceased father, and then Tyra Banks just flounced in there and was like, and now put pot-leadum in it? And also you have to explain in the song that that's top model backwards because people won't get it. And she's like, oh, okay, in the song about my dead dad? people won't get it." And she's like, oh, okay, in the song about my dead dad? Yeah, it's fucked up. The other thing is I don't know why you couldn't just say, okay, well, if we're going to do this silly shit, I'm not going to have it be about my dead dad. Because it's only 20 minutes of songwriting. You think you could start from the beginning, you could throw it all out and do a second draft. But no, she's like, I'm gonna make this work with my, to honor my dead father,

Pot Liedem. It never occurred to Tyra Banks that this scenario might come up because it never occurred to her that people might make art for like a reason or a personal reason. She's just like, it's to be about you and by you I mean me. Yeah, that's what you express with art. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Anyway, it's really embarrassing watching dingy girls who aren't songwriters try to write songs. And so it's like they're inventing poetry before our eyes. And it's mean.

They should have known that this would be mean. And it turned out it was mean. What's funny is that woman, Alice in Harvard, went viral before she was Creepy Chan on 4chan. I think Creepy Chan. Creepy something. Yeah, the only person in that room who could define what viral actually meant. Yeah. They're like, hey, do this unappealing random nonsense thing that for reasons that seem

obvious or maybe impenetrable, may or may not go viral. Anyway, I don't know. Angelea is the girl who goes first. She really gets the assignment. I have her explanation here. Pot Lidum. Say what? What's that mean?

Top model backwards. So we have to incorporate Pot Lidum, top model backwards in our song. And you know, my track is fire. It's nice. I know where I'm incorporated at. You know, so this is one of 50 times someone explains both in the song and then in a testimonial that potlidum means top model backwards. And that's, I think, the key to understanding this. I'm pretty sure they had to incorporate the whole phrase, Potlitum is top model backwards. They must have, because they all said it. Because she thought that was Tyra Banks wandering down the street going, what's the super for? It's like, oh, people won't get that. That's too smart.

Incorporate is also maybe too strong a word because they all make the choice to just say that stupid shit at the start or the end of the song. Like, unrelated to the song, I'm performing Potlietam as top model backwards. Allison is crying the whole time. I thought that was sad. Like, people are doing these like, yo, yo, I'm the best. Potlietam is top model backwards. But back to me. And then they'd cut to Alice just crying. And I don't know if this really happened at the same time or if this is editing, but like, it's just so fucking weird. It is really strange how they like, like, I mean, Sean,

you know more about reality TV than me. Like they did this challenge and then were like, oh, these songs aren't interesting enough, and then came up with this pot-lead-em idea to shove into it. Or do you think this was just the idea from the start? I feel like this was from the start. It feels like they're trying to make a thing happen. I was trying to explain earlier, they're looking for that Channing Tatum potato, the pot-lead-em. They're like, oh, everyone's going to be saying it. They're going to be talking about pot-letum. Everyone's going to be saying it. It's so funny.

That is absolutely some marketing guy said that. In response to Tyrobanks making this up on the spot, and instead of saying that's the fucking stupidest thing I've ever heard, he was like, oh, everyone's going to be saying that because he likes working. I can't understand the whims. I'm saying that's my guess, but I wouldn't know. I have a clip of Shannon working on her show early here. I was just like, you know what, I'm going to take this opportunity and just run with it. I may not be the best singer, but I'm going to have fun. And I'm going to make you think that I am, because I'm having such a great time.

You make my world go round. You turn my life upside down. Yeah! A lot of support for that struggling effort, I guess. And meanwhile, they're still cutting to Alison crying. She's just sitting there with a piece of paper, these heartfelt words about her dead father just squeezing pot-ledum.

Pot-ledum, the last words my father said to me. I've just figured out they meant top model backwards is what she wrote down. God, could you imagine how awesome that'd be? My father's dying words, pot-ledum, what do they mean? Like a video where she's got like a treasure map. And it led her to this moment. She would have won. I guarantee you she would have won. Oh my gosh, she would have won. Tyra would have loved it.

Yep. While she is singing, it says off key in the closed caption. That's what I mean. The post-production team fucking hates these people. Yeah, how absolutely. Yes. Yes. That one thing I learned, and that's, I think everybody must hate models. Before I watched this show, I didn't understand that.

I thought, when I thought about models, which was not often, I would assume you must lead a glamorous life with a lot of people liking you and Then I watched the show and it became very apparent that everybody involved in like the fashion industry in this show Basically everybody that interacts with the model fucking hates them just yeah hates everything about them They they are treated they live terrible lives terrible very low paying lives in like in They live terrible lives, terrible, very low paying lives in strange dormitories underneath bowling alleys in Taiwan and shit. It's just, it's a tragic existence is what I learned watching this show. Watching this, I don't know, the word cringe, I guess, but it's like, you could sort of feel the humiliation. Like these situations, obviously, when you watch TV, you're like, could I do that?

Like, what do I do in that situation? And the whole thing, I'm like, I would just have fucking bailed on this. It's so... They make them do such humiliating things to just like, here, go in front of these 10 people and like, lip sync this really dumb song you had to write in 20 minutes. And I'm like, God, I could never do this. In a way, there's things about this where I'm like, oh, that's a skill set I don't have. But into any others, I'm like, this is a sad life, a terrible life. I don't cover it. Let's see. I have Alison's here too.

This is really good. I underestimated Alison. She's already good at modeling. She's good at acting. Don't tell me she's good at singing. Underwater. It was so good I didn't want to stop you. Oh, you tell me she's good at singing too, damn.

On the other side of the water. Backwards. I need to stop modeling. Hey, my father's last words. And that's what she wrote. That's the song. Yeah. She really did include it in the chorus. I'm actually a bit impressed. I think I like Alice. I do like Alice and this is not it, I think.

I did too. I thought of all the people she seemed the most relatable, likable, I guess. Some real generous autot tune on that one too. For real. And I like, Dan, that you're already being generous with. You're like, you know, that's not too bad. It doesn't take a lot for the human brain to be like, Of course. Compared to the other three we've seen, we now have, you know.

My wife also told me they did Lisa really bad with the haircut in the like makeover episode. And so that made me like her more too, that she was the other person who could like sing, like and like write some sort of a like a pop song. And that she had to deal with it by doing this terrible haircut that they gave her in presumably the first episode. I bet that was a real central part of the plot for that episode. Oh, absolutely.

For the series, I imagine. Cause yeah, Eddie Doty, he's been on the show a couple of times, good friend, and he used to edit shows like this. And so he would talk to me about, you know, you get all this footage and then you decide on the story. And then you're like, okay, the story is haircut. And now you have to just create the

narrative, which can be as simple as like having two people say that haircut is fucking terrible, and then showing that person cry and you're like, oh my god, this person's life is ruined because that haircut and like, anyone watching is just completely on board and like 20 minutes ago, you did not care about haircuts and now it's central to like multiple people's lives when it works. They edited that girl talking about how the song's about her deceased father and then like cut to her crying and I'm like, it's almost like she's upset about her dead dad. I mean, they really worked on me. They really sold it.

I have Dominique's too. I can't seem to play these. Sounds really cool. Beautiful sounds. Pot-lead-em, pot-lead-em, that's top model backwards. Yeah, you're getting it. Yep, that's it. Yep, you got it. Almost.

You fucking nailed the assignment. One of the girls is kind of a competent singer. And I really liked hers because it just seemed like a normal song. And then at the very end, she goes, and just in case any of y'all ain't wizards, pot-le Potlitum is top model spell backwards. Speaking of like, is this a spell? Only wizards power could solve this mystery. Like what the fuck is the point?

This feels like something a witch would do to get a group of people to cast a spell. It feels like a charmed B-plot. Oh, it does. Yeah. Like, haha, we have tricked all the high schools in America to chant this. If it's not, what the fuck's the point, you goddamn moon crazy? It's nonsense baby sounds. It's just power.

It's Tyra Banks sitting back there going, and now? That's for me. And they all do. They do. Lisa's fiance shows up and he is a real drip. I don't know why I put this in my notes. The guy just shows up and for like, three straight minutes doesn't got like... one of them gets to meet their boyfriend. And again, this is a prize, because they live in a fucking prison, so the idea of seeing their loved ones is like, you win a contest, you get to see your boyfriend for an hour. This, yeah, that's where it really drilled into me, like, oh, this is one of those YA dystopia series, like, you have to be as pretty as possible

so that you can see your loved ones briefly like that yeah yep i know what this is you gotta break this system one of you has to has to destroy this system in dethrone tyro banks that's that's the uglies that movie's coming out i would watch it and again on ru paul they get real prizes when they win the mini challenge yeah like again like humans yeah when they win the mini challenge. Yeah, like, like humans. Yeah. Like a like a real game show. Like this is sub prices, right? But they're not professional models, which, again, everybody fucking hates

and wants to keep like in cages where they belong. I feel like this is survivors fault. Like, I feel like if top model came out in the 70s, they'd win new cars and like cruise vacations, but then survivor contests were like, you win like a handful of fucking cayenne flakes. Like, ooh, cayenne flakes. Gotta fucking do our best. Pontiac Aztec. Yeah.

That's the best prize ever, you know, besides the end. A lot of your prizes are just beans. Beans! I actually like what happens next because they bring in Game, famous platinum artist Game. Oh, you remember him? I did not remember him. No, but I mean, I don't listen to a lot of hip-hop.

Don't look up what he's, or do look up what he is found liable for in a civil jury of doing on a different VH1 reality show. Oh no. On a reality show? On his own reality show on VH1. Is it top model backwards? Is it a sex crime thing?

It is. It is indeed. Okay. The thing is, I did not get that vibe from him because at the end, he's clearly got a crush on Allison. He's like, she's weirdly beautiful, weirdly beautiful. And Tyra's like, oh, you got to, are you attracted to her? And he's like, yes. Like in a way that's just like, I'm not fucking playing this game with you. I'm just trying to say something nice about a person. And I was like, oh, it's kind of, I kind of like that he didn't

like follow Tyra down that, you know, childish path, but that's but it's bad to hear. He was found liable for sexually assaulting a contestant on the show She Got Game, which was a dating show about him. Oh. That's not good. It's amazing how often and how much the very moderate amount of power of getting a VH1 reality show corrupts. Oh, okay, so he still owes her seven7 million and this fall he will be in court attempting to October 7th. He will be attempting to, I guess, not not pay that $7 million. And now he might lose his house to the woman's name is Priscilla Rainey. She's publicly named.

So I think it's probably going to be proving that he doesn't have $7 million is my guess. Quite possible. That's a bummer. Yeah. Right. Because he comes off really well on this episode. It was sad. I was like, I wonder what the game's been up to.

And then I was like, oh, nevermind. Sometimes your research skills have sad endings, but I do appreciate them. It's kind of like introducing Pot Liedem into a song about a dead dad. He does have some good advice. He seems like kind of a professional. He tells one girl to stop jumping out of the camera frame. That's a good note game. Only a professional would know that. Her cover was that, oh no, I'm tripping and out of the camera frame. That's a good note game. Only a professional would know that.

Her cover was that, oh no, I'm tripping and falling on the camera track. And then I try to turn it into a dance move. Like, oh, OK. He told one girl to pretend she was married to the car. He wasn't feeling the sexual chemistry between her and a car. That was a central talking point of the show. I liked that because it came in two stages when he said, I want you to think of yourself as like, married to the car,

and then she did her thing for a little bit and he's like, cut. He came up and said, I don't feel like you're married to the car. Okay. That was an insane standard you made up, just now. Who knows how to satisfy that? How does one marry the car, sir? I thought he was going to turn that into a plug. I don't feel like you're married to the car, like on my show, Married to the Car, This Fall on NBC.

Full penetrate a car. Tyra shows up in just like a tangle of fabric and feathers with iron on letters on her leotard that says potlitum. So she's like doing it. She's like this potlit Cahill, who was a second child YouTube star in this episode. He died a couple years ago, another sad story, he died a couple years ago of the nukopolysaccharidosis that made him cute and small. A lot of tragedy in this episode, Topmon.

Yeah, a lot of tragic shit going on. Anyway, he's famous for lip syncing. And so Tyra's like, well, we could just do that again, right? We'll just have the guy who's famous for lip syncing lip sync to this. Steal his fame for us. Right. Yeah, we'll just glom onto that. Potlita! And some auto-backwards!

They of all people know that now. You made them work it into a song about their dead fathers. Every one of them. Yes, so she's screaming it like it's a thing. And there's a moment here where she physically cringes at her own creation. Like she can suddenly hear and see herself for the first time in her entire life and she's like, oh, this thing I'm saying is fucking stupid. But it's too late. She is wearing a leotard that says it. She buries that so fast you can see that go away forever. Yeah, she's she can compartmentalize that no trouble. But it does really demonstrate how hard it is to do what they do. Because like I mentioned, this is

really embarrassing to sit in a studio and lip sync to the trash you and non musician made in 20 minutes. It's kind of it's weird how it came together, though, like, all these professional producers and like autotune and they finish their videos, they don't sound that bad, they're on the catwalk in front of the judges and now they're playing the videos. I guess my first note was that Keenan, Cahill and Tyrus contributions were probably the biggest tragedy of anything we've discussed today. They just kind of like pop in with camcorder footage of them that looks completely unrelated. Like this was on the tape before they taped what they're watching now, just like digital remnants. They didn't change out of that wardrobe right there, where she looks like a regional wrestler's girlfriend. They didn't change to fit the vibe

of anything, including once again the Girl with the Dead Dads video, which is like none of these videos have the same vibe and then it's just it's just Kyra and this little kid cut in here dressed like fucking street sharks or something just out of nowhere going just going pop pop pop and like that's it. Okay, that's not you didn't add anything. Like embarrass off to like the lip-syncing is not good

Not that it has to be I'm just saying like there's one skill here And you're not even having it like they absolutely just didn't know where they were gonna insert the clips And so they just told him to math whatever. It's just amazing how she How little effort she puts into making this about her somebody needs to stop this? Yeah, this can't continue happening. Right now I'm dealing with like a rescue dog that we just rescued and we're trying to break him some like bad habits. And so when he wants your attention, he will just bark at you. It's called demand barking. And the way you are supposed to fix that is

you stand up and you leave the room until he calms down. You need to do that every time Tyra Banks has an idea. You need to stand up, just leave the room, and when she stops having ideas, you come back and give her a treat. I read that wolves in the wild will put their mouths around the baby wolf's mouth to teach it to like, be quiet. And you can simulate that with some breeds of dogs by like, gently wrapping your hand around their snout while they bark. It's worth a shot with Tyra is all I'm saying. Yeah, you could like get her some kind of anti-Tyra headband.

I'm just saying this behavior needs to be corrected. I think we just invented a Tyra Banks gag. I don't know. Jamie, we can cut this. I think we can cut this. I'm okay making an enemy out of Tyra Banks. I'm fine with that. The part where it gets too close to comparing her to a dog, I think.

I don't think she acts quite like a human, but maybe dehumanizing her is too far. Only for the purposes of training. Okay. No, you're right. I talked into it. She does have a moment here where she tells the model that you're supposed to exaggerate your mouth when you're seeing, but not like I just did. The brilliant mind that gave us top lead, showing why she's the brightest intellectual star in fashion photography. I took some clips of the finals. I don't know if they're worth playing.

The problem here is that they're trying really hard to be cool and they're starting their song with this nerdy ass Zork spell. And the explanation doesn't help, right? Like when they keep saying that Pot Liedem is top model backwards, like that makes it lamer. Like to explain the thing that isn't anything. Like Missy Elliott in her song where she did backwards, she didn't stop to explain the song. She didn't wear a neon leotard that said, it's your flipping nipper, like, maybe she does. I don't know. I haven't seen the music video. But my point is there's a desperation to this entire thing. We're watching something attempt to go viral, and it refuses.

I will say one nice thing about this. I would not have assumed that they would love the Creepy Chan Girls video as much. And they loved it so much because she was just like a freaky little Victorian ghost child. They're just like You're so weird. You look like a ghost. I love it It was it wasn't the reason I thought they would like it like I thought they would like the rapper girls Whatever the best but they were like no she looks like a curse She simulated like a curse very wonderfully and we found that beautiful. And like, that it

was the one interesting element of any of these things. And they did find it and reward it, which I was not expecting. And that shows the depth that art requires. Like, you're like, oh, it kind of looks cursed. You're like, no, it is. This is a song about her dead father that got hijacked by Tyra Banks's like dumbest idea in the world. Like there's a lot that's a heavy curse to carry with you into a piece of art. And this is you being haunted. This is what you being haunted looks like. You're like, what is that?

I love how unique it is. I'm being haunted to my grave for this mistake I've made. I took some more clips. I'm trying to think of we shouldn't. Maybe play the Alex Naderi one. It's backwards for show, you silly brocos. Brocos. That one, that's incorporated. We're talking shit about them not incorporating, but that is entrenched in that music. My favorite part of any video is when one of them gets a video toaster effect where

when Shannon says, you make my world upside down or whatever, and her video flips upside down for a half second. It's the only video effect besides the washing out of Alison's that any of them get. And it's just so strange and it looks so funny. Could not look more amateurish, you know, and it's season 17 of this show over eight years or whatever. I liked the judgment of this video. They didn't like this one, the Go Go Go one, but their critique was, I was really feeling your chorus when you said, Go Go Go, it made me want to go.

That was their positive during the song. Then after they saw the video, they said, that didn't make me want to go. Yeah, you got to meet your your intended audience expectations. That's, that's really the key to our fucking Tyra. There's one moment where Tyra says, now people are hearing music with their eyes. That was her critique. Yeah, video. Yeah, exciting. Where did that come from? Like she just she's trying to explain music videos to videos to somebody so funny after they had made a music video

Yes, she did that I was just about to explain music videos because when Dan you said how she got flipped upside down during Upside down it reminded me of early MTV when every lyric of every song got like acted out to the best of the budget Yeah, like you remember like Peter Gabriel wrote one of the budget. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, do you remember, like, Peter Gabriel wrote one of the most beautiful songs of all time, In Your Eyes, and you watch that video, and it's like, I drive off in my car. And then it's just him in a car in a white studio

and he drives out of the frame. And you're like, they fucking had to get that guy's car inside just for four seconds of pantomime. So stupid. But that was everything. That was just like, we just allowed it. Potlietum fo. So stupid. But that was everything. That was just like we just allowed it. Potlinum Fosho, you silly brocos. Lisa's is fine. She's, I wouldn't say talented, but competent musician. They did kick off Alexander. I'm glad I played Alexander's clip because

they're like, it didn't make me want to go. So you have to leave the show. We didn't sense your car chemistry. You have to leave the pretty contest. You weren't married to that car. At best, at best you were dating that car. This is why every model takes six months of car fucking training. It's just like a basic skillset you have to have. I like when she kicked her off.

Tyra came right up to her, very close. I want to say within, within like 18 inches of her and physically mocked her dancing to her face and was like, you were dancing like this. And then she just had to agree and go, yeah, I was. I should have been dancing like the thing you just did. Which is good. Weird she didn't get punched.

Oh, that's such cruelty. Such rampant cruelty. That's my reaction to almost every moment on this show is like, that's weird that person didn't get punched. That's fucked up. What a show. I think I've said everything. Maybe this one's worth playing.

["Hot Mile Backwards"] Ah, I was wrong. I shouldn't have played it. Einstein, who did Frankfurt? I Shouldn't have played it Ja! The craft is not trapped, it's not empty Send it to the dog zoo for an hour Come on, you know the number 1-900 1-900-Frankfurt 1,900-Loyer 1-900-Frankfurt 1,900

1,900-Frankfurt 1,900-Loyer Ja! 9000 Einstein, who did Frankfurt? Einstein, no, you know you knew it! Yah! Neutausend! As children, they were lost to the wilds of Florida when their parents' yachts were exploded by Skeletor. Raised by wolves, they must now re-enter society with only the help of a manimal, a little person toy genius, and Hulk Hogan on a sentient speedboat, they are the Supremes. Aaron Crosston, Adrian H, Aiden Moak, Alex Nolenberg, all raised by wolves, Alpha Scientist

Jabo, Hun Andy, Armando Nava was raised by wolves. Rich Wolves. Bim Talzin. Brandon Garlok. Brian Saler. Burrito. All wolf kids, everyone. Serol. Chase. Cheddar Wolf is one of the wolves who keeps raising these damn kids.

Clementine Danger. Common Sense was orphaned by a Skeletor and has vowed revenge on all skeletons. ALL. SKELETONS. Craig Lemoine Quavis Dan B was raised by sentient speedboats who have sadly passed. Vroom vroom Dan B! That means I'm sorry for your loss in speedboat.

Daniel Sloan. Devin the Rogue Supreme. David Shull. Dean Costello was raised by wolves and violently destroys all clothing. Unless it's from his natural prey animal, the silkworm. Delta Foxtrot. Doug Redmond is raising wolves. That's... Get out of here, Doug Redmond.

Drayson. Dusty's rad title. Eric Rion. Every zig was raised by coyotes and is frequently a victim of wolf racism. Fancy shark. Gareth is a little toy genius. For the government. Nice try, narc genius. Get outta here. Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches. Greg Cunningham.

Hambone. Haraka. All Feral Wolf children. It's a real societal problem. Harvey Penguini. Honk. Javer Al-Aidin is howling. It sounds sad.

Wait, that's not sadness. It's party. It's party, Wolf, everybody. James Boyd Jared Mountainman Jeff Haraski Jim Salter was raised by snakes. Watch him slither. Yeah. John D. John McCammon

John Minkoff Joseph Surrows Pretty much the whole J-section, all Wolf Kids Josh S. Joshua Graves Justin B. was raised by ants And now, with the speed and strength of an ant, he faces... a lot of difficulty in day-to-day life.

Ken Paisley, K&M, Kumutlus, Kyle Campbell. Lane Haygood is a wolf child psychologist, here to do some potty training. Thank fucking God you're here Lane Haygood, this place, I think it's everyone's territory Lisa Lucas Keane is out of control on pure distilled Hulkster scent it's banned in 92 countries and for good reason M Jahi Chappelle Mark Mahoney Matt Riley Max Perot is a sentient speedboat who kills Skeletors not Not so fun now, is it, Skeletors? Michael Dillon. Michael Lair.

Mickey Loman. Mike Stiles. Moju. Mort was raised by wolves. Hot Wolves. What? She's a whilf, Mort. That's all I'm saying.

Mr. Bob Gray. ND. Neil Bailey. Neil Schaeffer. Neku104, Ornry Weevil was raised by feral toy geniuses and only speaks the language of exploding pterodactyls. Ozzy Olin, Patrick Herbst, Rachel, Rhiannon, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, Spotty Reception, Static Dust is an adoptive wolf parent taking in unwanted human children and teaching them to bite and snore them.

We've got Mother's Day, we've got Father's Day, where's Wolf Day cowards? Super Knot, Ted H, Thomas Kavatsos, Timmy Leahy, Toasty God was raised by wolves and still speaks fluent wolf to this day. If things go south next election, that wolf passport is gonna come in handy. Tommy G. Velo. Booster can turn into any animal but it hurts. So much don't ask her. Waylon Russell. Zack and Ava. Benjamin Sironin. Boy. Hulk. Boy.

Little Person Toy Genius. Boy. Sentient Speedboat. Boy. Skeletor. Ah, he's not getting it. Let's send him to live with the Navajo, everybody!