The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 195, Dollman 2 with Shawn DePasquale

Episode Date: October 2, 2024

Seanbaby and Lydia Bugg welcome special guest, Shawn DePasquale to the DOGGZZONE to discuss Dollman 2! Bereft of substance AND incredibly dense? Yes! Demonic toys? YES! Tim Thomerson?? THEY DON'T MAKE ENOUGH DRY PANTIES TO KEEP PACE! Dollman 2 has everything you never wanted jam packed into four infinite scenes. Running time 61 minutes.

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Come on, you know the numbers. One nine hundred. One nine hundred, hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred, hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred, hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah, nine thousand. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9,000. Your ears do not deceive you. I'm Lydia Bug taking Robert Brockway's place this week while he's on hiatus. I have broken into the physical podcast studio that we definitely have, and I'm taking it over, Airhead style, here with my favorite hostage.

Dibs on Sandler. Dibs on Sandler. No, you're Steve Buscemi. It's Sean, baby. God damn it. Sorry I fucked up your intro, it was beautiful. Fantastic broadcast skills. Thank you so much, I tried so hard.

And here with us today also, we have another Sean, so it won't be complicated for anyone to remember the names. He was a former editor in chief of Bunny Ears, and the editor of the Trailer Park Boys comic book. He also has a current RoboCop screenplay that's tearing up the stunt list. It's Sean De Pesquale. Hello.

Oh, wait, so does this make me Sandler? Yeah, you can be Sandler. Oh, eww, Shabadoo. This is bullshit. I call RoboCop. All right, Sean gets to be RoboCop. Y'all move, creep. Oh, this is bullshit. I call RoboCop. All right, Sean gets to be RoboCop. Y'all move, creep. Oh, this is going to be good.

This is going to be a good podcast. Oh, the shampoo is better. The conditioner is better. Oh, no, RoboCop is here. Drop the shampoo, creep. OK, we're all just going to let's retake this from the beginning, and I'm not going to let anybody be Sandler.

Boo. God damn it. Thank you for having me on your podcast and for making me gonna let anybody be Sandler. Okay. Boo! God damn it. Thank you for having me on your podcast and for making me watch this delightful film. You're welcome. Do you have anything you want to plug before we get started? Plugged at the beginning? What? Yeah, otherwise we'll never get to it.

That's really smart. I don't know. Yeah, go if you care about the nanny. I have a podcast about the nanny called Old Mr. Sheffield. That was fun. We rewatched every single episode of that show and probably dissected it in a way that no one ever intended it to be dissected.

I wouldn't have even considered trying that. That sounds very interesting. What made you decide on the nanny? It started as a bit. Okay. When Tori and I were working for Bunny Ears, we were like, oh, it would be funny if on an episode of the Bunny Ears podcast,

we threw to a commercial of like us being like, Hey, our new podcast is starting like nanny nanny heads like look out. Okay. And like, that was it. It was just like a one off. Like that would be really funny to imply we would take the time to do that. And then COVID happened and she was like, Hey, what if we, what if we watch the pilot and just record one and put it out on the bunny ears feed?

And I was like, okay, yeah, let's do that. And we did. And like, surprisingly, it was a really well-made sitcom pilot and we had tons to say about it. And then we were like, well, let's just see if they like, keep this momentum going and like they did. And then we were like, all right, let's just commit and just do it. Like, it was secretly a good show all these years.

Yeah. We got to interview the co-creator. And I mean, yeah, it's actually a very, very, very well-written sitcom if you're looking at it from the standpoint of single camera, three-camera sitcoms, you know, the traditional sitcom. Shared a lot of writing cast with Frasier, right? Or writers with Frasier. Yeah, it sure did.

Yep, it sure did. Yep, it sure did. And they had like, everybody is on that show. Like all these million famous people that are like popular now, like are like super young and show up on that show. It's really, really interesting. Kind of falls apart in the later seasons a little bit,

but like there's also reason for that. Like, you know, like the network was messing with them and demanding things that they didn't want to do. So there's a fascinating story behind it too. Very cool. Speaking of well-crafted comedy, should we plug 1900hotdog.com, Sean? Do you want to do that? The transitions. Just beautiful hostess. I'm such a good hostess. Thank you.

We run a comedy website with the very last one. It's called 1-900-HOTDOG. Go to patreon.com slash 1-900-HOTDOG and support us, because we don't have ads. The only way we live is if you subscribe to it. But we have world class, passionate comedy writers that we pay well that come in every day and write about weird artifacts from broken universes

with the joke density of the golden age of the internet, the velvety touch of a dandy fop. That's a good Mr. Show reference. I feel like the old man coming and being like, you know, we had a comedy website too one day, but no one paid money for it and now I'm dead. Oh! It's just a tag up on why it's really important to subscribe

to 1-900-HOTDOG. The ghost of Comedy Sites Past is here with us today. It sucks being a ghost. OK, so let's turn to, I guess, the topic at hand, something that I wrote about for the site, which I found out had a sequel. And immediately when I found that out, I was like, Sean, should we talk about this on the podcast? I would have talked about Doll Man on the podcast.

I'm happy to talk about Full Moon anytime. Yes, Lydia wrote a Doll Man article. You wrote about Doll Man? Yeah, I wrote about the original Doll Man. Can I ask, tonally, does this take Doll Man to a completely different place or is this about what that is? I would say Doll Man tried a little harder

to like be a real movie, I think. That's for sure. Yeah. That's a really good way to describe it. Yeah, Doll Man felt like somebody's best effort to make a movie about a tiny man with a gun. And this, when we watched Doll Man versus Demonic Toys, did I watch the right movie, Doll Man versus Demonic Toys?

Yeah, yes. Yes. Okay, good. Are there any more Doll Mans? I think there's only two, so. Maybe you're right, yeah, I guess you're right. This is like an extended universe, like a clip show. This is very much like three properties

trying to be given equal time. So this is almost like three different fish out of water comedies in a real clumsy way. So yeah, like Doll Man was a real movie. I mean, I'm not unfamiliar with Full Moon and I feel like much like Trauma, there is like an era of Full Moon where like they're just trying to make movies that just don't have the budget and they're doing the best they can. And like they pick, you know, outrageous concepts because that's how they're gonna get attention for their movies.

Yeah. And I can respect that era, but this feels like much later era, like, I just slop all this stuff together. The craft was gone. Oh boy. The passion was gone. I do like Full Moon more than Troma

because there's more of a sincerity to Full Moon whereas Troma's sort of like, we get this, it's supposed to be crap. You fucking idiots. Whereas full moon, I think they'd be surprised if you told them their movies were bad. They'd be like, what the, the one, the shrunken voodoo heads. You thought that was bad. We're trying so hard. Yeah. No, I do feel like they would be, if not upset, they'd be offended a little bit. Like, Hey man, we're fucking trying. We got what we got. Trauma, yes, does definitely wear their sloppiness as a badge of honor, right? Right. When I lived in Nashville, there was a full moon drive-in or not. It was full moon theater,

and it was like a horror movie only theater. I don't know if actually it was associated with them or if they were just trying to be like, legally you can't copyright Full Moon, that's like a thing in the sky. Can't copyright the moon, brother. But it was the best horror movie experience you could ever have because it was a, they did a full dinner at every show and they did the same dinner every time and it was spaghetti.

Okay. The scariest of meals. Very spooky. You get to live your nightmare of trying to eat spaghetti in a movie theater. Gross. Honestly, gross. If I'm watching like a gory horror movie, I don't know that I want spaghetti. I was like, this is so horrific that actually like I feel like they're building the experience. Like they know what they're doing with the spaghetti. Yeah, I would agree. Because I think texturally popcorn is great because it's

just dry so it doesn't imply anything, you know? Yeah, wet in a horror movie? No. No, thank you. So do you have any particular order you want to talk about stuff? Yeah, I think we're just going to go through it in order. So I wanted to talk a little bit about Full Moon in general at the beginning, but I don't I don't know that I have much more to add other than my favorite fact about it, which is that they once had a producer say, I'll pay for a movie for you, but it has to have a castle and a freak in it. And that's how they made their movie Castle Freak.

Because yeah, freak is really subjective. Like you gotta have a freak. You're like, okay, we got a foot guy. He's like, no, no, that's too normal. I'm talking freak, all right? All right. Yeah. The only full moon factoid that I have is that I worked with this guy whose long-term girlfriend at the time

was predominantly a full moon actress. And he was very close with the main guy at full moon and they would hang out and stuff. And apparently he's a very, very nice guy who's basically aware that they're working with what they got to work with, but has figured out the formula and is super well off. He is not poor.

He is fine. He lives a good, good life. So to me, they always felt like the more successful trauma too, because I think Lloyd Coughlin ain't doing the best, you know? Yeah. That's nice to hear that it does, you look at a full moon and you kind of like, these guys understand

sort of the business of filmmaking in a way that like, is good for the consumer. Like you get what you expect, you know, you know, this is going to be a show, a show about a tiny man shooting at dolls. You're like, fuck yeah it is. Whereas I think if you take the same type of idea and move it to today, you get like all those weird

like Bruce Willis, Vincent Gallo movies where like they sell the movie and they attach Vincent Gallo's face to it. Yeah. Yes, they put it on a poster because that sells the movie. Yeah, well, yes. And that's also so much a product of the time, right? These guys definitely benefited from the VHS boom era,

right, where it was like, oh, we just need to fill the horror movie section with a bunch of movies. So like Full Moon's gonna sell them to us cheap. They're gonna make them cheap. Like, I think like they benefited greatly from that. And like, yeah, the flashy, ridiculous titles and concepts are the draw. If you're a horror fan, you're... I was having this conversation

with someone the other day. It's like horror fans are attuned to and very forgiving of very specifically weird things to anyone outside horror who they would be like, why are you into that? And I feel like the concept of demonic toys is a great example of that, where it's like, a horror movie fan will see this thing that says demonic toys and go, yeah, I'll try it. Sounds good. It's a good idea. Yeah. Hey, me. The idea of like mashing up doll man in demonic toys is, in theory, very good. Yes. It's kind of funny when you see it in practice, the toys, like the whole idea is like,

oh, he's small so he can fight the toys. And then the toys are like way bigger than him and you're like, oh. Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes the scale, the scale situation is so, it really does highlight though, like I guess the hardest things to pull off are like scale and being able to convincingly have a small person and a big person in a scene. Yeah. And not like garbage. They did not pull that off in this movie. No.

For the listeners, Doll Man's thing is he's from space and he has a gun that's like a super gun. And so when he came to earth, he got shrunk and his super gun now to scale is like a regular gun. So he's like a tiny man but he has just a regular gun. He shoots with the power of a regular gun. And so it is not everything he shoots explodes. Right. It's like super powerful. Yeah, it's like better than a regular gun. So in many ways, he's like more effective than a normal guy with a gun on earth because he's harder to shoot. Obviously, there's some drawbacks to being a foot tall, but whatever. So I guess having Doll Man like match up against a small creature is not like not great for that small creature is my point. Like the stakes of this are not like, oh, cool, finally, Doll Man's facing someone his own side. It's like, no, like, Doll Man's fine.

He can fight whatever you got. Yeah, in the Doll Man movie, he just like solves gang violence with the power of murder. So... Yes, he shoots the gang. He shoots the gang to death, all of them. And then he's like, gang violence is over. I've killed all the gang.

So the idea that we have to up the ante to demonic toys, like, I get it. I think it works out well. But the first thing we have to up the ante to demonic toys, like I get it, I think it works out well. But the first thing we have to do when we open the movie is make sure that Doll Man is getting laid, which they were very concerned with. I loved this so much. You're skipping so far ahead.

We, like, you gotta first go through the longest opening sequence I've ever seen in my entire life. One thing that's remarkable, I've never seen a movie so blatantly stall for time. Like this movie does not like unabashedly is like guess what? This is a slow pan and you're gonna watch it all 45 minutes of it.

It would not surprise me at all if this was like a 22 minute TV show pilot and then someone said we got to make it a feature. They're like, we can do that. We got this. All right, we can do that. I was gonna ask you guys, like, I watched it on Amazon. Did everybody watch it on Amazon? Yeah. Okay. So we also, did you watch it on Amazon, Sean, baby Sean? I downloaded a torrent. I stole it like a good internet user.

I needed to take sound files, so I needed like a local copy. Oh, smart. So the Amazon is 61 minutes long and I Googled it and it says the movie is an hour 30 so I'm like was there like 30 minutes that Amazon said no to or I would wonder what mine was 60 minutes You know what? It might be is that the old full moon came with like a really robust like behind-the-scenes feature ads previews that kind of thing so

They might have gotten through some sort of legal chicanery. Our movie is 90 minutes. Yes, 45 of it is previous for our other movies, but like we cut it in a way where it technically counts as the real movie. I don't know. Okay. Yeah. Cause this is, I think they were doing that.

Yeah. It's the length of a TV special, like a TV show. And yet it feels longer than Lord of the Rings. That's true. It felt so much longer than an hour. Right? I was like, oh my god. At one point, I checked. I moved my mouse, and I was like, 30 minutes.

Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. How is that possible? But then also, there are technically, let me give you guys some numbers before we dive too deep. There are only four scenes in this whole movie. I counted. That sounds right.

Sounds right. Only four. Only four. The rest of it is flashbacks. It doesn't count. Flashbacks cut a scene in half, but we're still in the same scene. So there's only four scenes. We go into the final warehouse sequence at minute 31.

That goes on for 13 minutes. Then we get a flashback. Then we go back to the warehouse for a total of about 55 minutes in the warehouse of this movie. I'm not even kidding, I can't. Fantastic. It's funny that we're talking about how long the movie is because nothing really has happened before what Lydia said.

I mean, obviously it's a long opening sequence, but nothing was really happening. And in fact, the first line of my notes is meeting a chick his size would make him feel better. Those are doll man's words. He's like, man, this fucking sucks being a doll. I sure would like someone to bang. And that's like the driving force of the movie.

It's just small man is horny. I love it. Also, like you know more about the craft of filmmaking, Sean, than me, I think, but like, they, it looked like they were trying to use forced perspective in the scene to make it look like he was a tiny man on a road, but it- Yeah, they were.

He's just a regular man. It was just, there's no like atmospheric perspective or anything, so it's just like a dude on a road, but you could tell they're shooting it weird. I'm like, are they trying to make him look small somehow? Just make a big cactus, put him next to a giant cactus. And what's amazing is they do that in other instances. I think it was the being outside part.

I think they just couldn't figure it out. Couldn't figure out how to make a giant cactus. And the eye lines, the eye lines are wrong the whole movie. Like every time he's looking up at someone, the person who's talking to him is just looking like straight ahead. And you're like, who are you looking at? He's supposed to be like two feet tall.

What? I don't even think that tall. He's like what? Like 12 inches? Like he's like an action figure, right? Is the idea? Yeah. He's like one foot tall, I think,

as they mentioned a couple of times, but it's so uniquely outside of their means. They're like, okay, we need to have a movie about a small guy. They're like, I have no fucking idea how to do that. Well, maybe you're so uniquely outside of their means. They're like, okay, we need to have a movie about a small guy. They're like, I have no fucking idea how to do that. Well, maybe you're not the guy to direct this. Yes.

They actually specify that he, in the first movie, they say he's 13 inches tall. And in this movie, they say that Ginger, the woman that he ends up meeting, is 12 inches tall. And I thought that was funny. I felt like there was a production meeting where they were like, he needs to be taller than her. Just a little taller than the lady. Yeah. So like in the beginning we go, we're in the warehouse, right? Which we will return to. And

there's like a lady cop and she's like going after these toys. And then there's also a little person who's like a security guard. Oh, who was in Sabrina the Teenage Witch, by the way. Yes. One of my favorite characters, Phil Fondacaro. Yes. And you know what? I feel like there's no way you could ever convince me that they didn't hire him because it was easier to shoot him with the doll.

Like, I think it was. I didn't think about that. He had so many scenes one on one with them. And that was one of the only times where you got a wide with all of the dolls and a person in them, right? Like not that he's not a good actor and all of that, but like I think it worked really well for them to be like, oh, we can give this guy a job.

He doesn't have to play. I mean, little people get typecasts so much anyway, so it was nice to just see a dude as like a dude, you know? I'm not accusing the filmmakers of ableism or anything. I'm just saying, they needed to have like the worst security guard in the world in order for all these people, people's and dolls to get into this warehouse. And so they gave they they're like, let's get this guy obsessed with pornography. Let's have him not pay attention at work. Fuck it. Let's make him three feet tall. Let's just make him the worst possible security guard. So I think that

might be part of the reason. But we are I mean, he was like the main tough guy in Willow's Village. So I mean, he was, oh, that's great. He so was. He did a bunch of full moon feature stuff too. I think he's like friends with those guys. Cause I looked, I was like, Oh, what else has this guy done? Cause I just remembered him from Sabrina. Um, I love the evil baby. Yeah. I have to say evil baby is my favorite voiced by Frank Welker, by the way. Okay. Which I was very surprised at

that he's like pretty seminal voiceover, right? Isn't he Optimus Prime? I think. That's a good voice. I don't know, but to get to the evil baby, first we have to kill the drifter cause that's the backstory of the warehouse, which we get to eventually, but they don't do it very well, is

that there's a demon under the warehouse that I guess comes to life whenever blood touches the warehouse. So a drifter breaks in and is riding around on a tricycle and then gets hit with a- This guy's just living life. Yeah, you're having a great time. We're happy for him. He gets hit in the head with a box and guy's just living life. Yeah, he's having a great time. We're happy for him. He gets hit in the head with a box and then crumples to the ground and there's just blood

everywhere as if that box had a 60 pound weight in it. I do want to talk about the production design a little bit because at the beginning it says production designer Milo and I don't know if they just didn't catch that guy's last name or if he's just such a character. Like, I'm just Milo. But he designed this warehouse. Oh no, what if it's that Nazi Milo? It's just a bunch of moving boxes

and then someone on their home printer printed off like, Toyland and just put one on each box right on the front. It was childlike. I mean, you just look at this and you're like, oh boy, this is like a middle school prom level fucking decorations, pal. One of those fell on the wino. Yeah, and then his blood covers the floor.

And summons the toys. And that's where we spend 55 minutes of this movie is in the warehouse with the- In the warehouse, yeah, with the toys. Oh yeah, the movie opens in the warehouse. What's the name of the town that- sounds like a like something Steven Seagal would sing about in a reggae song. It's like a like a lewd foreign word for vagina. Yeah, like it's supposed to be a pussy joke somehow, but they didn't have the balls to like go

all the way with it. Can't call it Puntang City because I just did and I'm the best. Frank Welker. He was not Optimus Prime. He was Megatron. OK. Here's what's amazing about this movie. This guy, right, he was the voice of Fred Jones in Scooby Doo since its inception in 1969. He was the voice of Baby Kermit.

He's the voice of Megatron and several other Transformers. He's the voice of Santa's Little Helper and Snowball 2 on The Simpsons. He does literally the barking. He's Garfield in The Garfield Show. Why does he do this movie? Because he gets to say, not quite slut, as his opening line.

And he doesn't get to do that as Fred. Right? Like, is it that? You really think it's as simple as he's just like, this is fun as hell, and I get to curse? It did have that, like, baby like 90s edge Lord style of cursing where like it's just so raunchy for the sake of it.

Fuck you bitch. Like that's a great line. Yeah. Keep that in the script. Love it. Like that's timeless. Well, I'll be saying that. They have very quotable lines in this. I feel like in all full moon features movies,

like, and I like the opening when she says, Jesus Christ, the cops used the toy. She says, Jesus Christ. And the toy says, not quite slut. And then they fire at each other. There's a moment where Tracey Scoggins comes in, mega babe Tracey Scoggins comes in and they try to establish that she's like

having an argument with her chief, her police chief. They're just giving her backstory and I love it so much. I'm gonna play the clip. on suspension remember? Sir like I told you before I have known for months that there's something going down here. I don't want to hear this shit Gray. Sir I'm gonna give you my stakeout position. Yeah standing in front of my desk I'm sending a unit to haul your ass out of there. You're done officer. Not yet. It's like they don't understand police procedure sure but it's like they've never even seen a movie like she's not a cop right now. She's doing an illegal investigation while she's on the radio. Someone, you can't do that.

Of course not. Why does she even have a radio still? What's happening? Why didn't they take her gun from her? But it has that pitter patter of overwritten dialogue, like, over, that's right, it's over, you're over. All right, I'll give you my position. It'll be right, it's over, you're over, all right. I'll give you my position, it'll be in front of my desk cause you're being fired, like okay, Shakespeare. Yeah, and they never tell you this, but the ending of the last movie for her

was that her unborn child fought the demon in the warehouse for her and saved her life. And I guess since then she's been like staking out the warehouse in case anyone breaks in and dies again. You get that hobo blood on these dolls and they'll come to life chief. You're off the force. No, no chief. I'm not I'm gonna go there anyway. God damn it. Please don't go shoot those fucking toys chief.

Yeah. And then so of course, she's like arrested for being a toy maniac. Yes. Oh, I took a I took a clip of that too. Just imagine you're a cop who doesn't believe in demonic toys. This is how she convinces them. This is for your own good, Miss Gray. We don't want anybody to get hurt. Look, I've been staking out this place for months, waiting for these suspects to make

move and now they finally do and you guys come along and fuck everything up! You have the right to remain silent. No, it's the goddamn toys. Go after the toys! Anything you say can and will be used against you. You're letting the toys win! McDonnell! No!

I wrote that line down. You're letting the... It's my favorite line. You're letting the toys win. I wanna get a tattoo of that. You're letting the toys win! This point she has not even explained to these officers, at least in front of the viewer, like,

they are demonic toys. I know this sounds crazy, but when they get blood in them, they have magic powers. What's messed up about it too, honestly, is she could have just said, you're never going to believe this. You have to come with me to this warehouse right now. There's a crime going on.

There's fentanyl in the warehouse, guys. Yeah, like, like a hundred rapes are occurring right now, there's a crime going on. There's fentanyl in the warehouse, guys. Yeah, like a hundred rapes are occurring right now. Let's go. Like she could have done anything to just gotten them there. And then like it would have like all taken care of itself. She chose the most insane way. She called in to say, Hey, I'm doing the illegal activity.

He says, well, I'm going to arrest you for that. She's like, fuck you. I'm going to do it anyway. And then they did. And she didn't have a speech planned of like, I know I shouldn't have done this, but trust me, we need to take out these demonic toys. No speech plan. She was just like, it's the toys!

You let the toys win! You let the toys win! You let the toys win! So that's the very long first sequence in the movie. That's like 15 minutes 15 is drug out and then we cut to you. Okay. Remember the little guy we showed you at the beginning Who's trying to get laid? Let's check in on him, right? He has found a woman that I was like there's got to be some kind of backstory on her is apparently from a third

Full moon features movie called bad channels. I just like read a summary of it Apparently she was rescued at the end of Bad Channels. They sort of retconned that to like, no, she actually didn't get rescued and returned to normal size. She is still tiny at the end of Bad Channels. That's a big thing to change, I would think. I bet you the fans were furious about that retcon.

I think she was probably the best actress in Bad Channels. And so they were like, okay, we're gonna, we're gonna just keep her. Yeah. Yeah. There's, there's no no it's hard not to comment on that lady because she really is not a good actress. No. It sounds like you're being sarcastic. It sounds like you're being really mean to the baby. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. She's so pretty. Yeah I guess that. She is very very pretty. Yeah I agree. Yeah she was she was the one they chose to put in this movie

for some reason. And her appeal is that she's the same height as him and that's her whole kind of deal for the movie. She's the only sexual option on the planet for our hero. Yes. And she's a good one. I mean, she's kind of a ding bet, really disagreeable, seems to have no skills.

She says she's a nurse, never uses that though. Doesn't come in handy. There's a sequence where like they built a giant set, like she's in a little kitchen drawer, but they built a giant kitchen drawer set and it's adorable. Like she gets out and she like washes her face in a little contact lens thing and has a giant,

I thought this was great. But then she ruined the whole thing because she can't even stretch. The woman can't even like, I'm going to pretend to stretch now. It's like, you can't even fucking pretend to stretch. They taught Benji to do that shit, lady. Yeah, I mean, it seems like they spent a lot of money

on this part of the movie specifically. And I'm not sure why because nothing happens here. She's just here. And then we have like, eventually he shows up, but like nothing really happens. They have a sexless sex scene, like nothing happens. They have sex on an oven mitt, which is adorable, I will say.

So cute. There's before that, they have a scene where Doll Man is standing on a giant newspaper and this like, it's how we make the guy look small. We'll print out a nine foot newspaper and have him stand on it. I just wrote adorable in my notes.

I was like, I love this. So cute. So cute. Honestly, I liked the, my note is I was like, I love this. So cute. So cute. Honestly, I liked the, my note is, I don't hate the concept of Doll Man, Doll Lady. Like if the movie was just the two of them, I'm into it having like a little adventure in the house. Maybe there's a cat comes after them or something.

Like I watched that movie, especially because the guy who plays Doll Man plays everything the most serious of anyone I've ever seen in a movie. I can't figure Tim Tomerson out. I can't figure him out. It's like he's doing a bit, but I'm 40% sure he doesn't know he's doing the bit. I don't think he's doing a bit, man.

I think this is the most best serious role he's ever had and he's playing it that way. It's so fucking good. It's so good. And if you've never seen Doll Man, he's dressed like, and this will work both ways, he's dressed like an old man and like a 90s cholo. Like he's got that exact uniform for either group, he could just jump between them

and his outfit would be perfect. And he's got like kind of a Duke Nukem haircut, that like spiky, yeah, 90s, very 90s deal sunglasses. I think he's doing like kind of a Duke Nukem haircut that like spiky. Yeah, 90s very 90s deal sunglasses I think he's doing a specific person. He has like a person in mind that he's acting like I don't know who it is But it's like some action guy. I said I think he's doing Dirty Harry. Yeah, it's like that that kind of archetype Yeah, or honestly, he could be doing Charles bronze like a death wish death wish. Yeah Death Wish, thank you. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, because he's not really quippy.

He's like really dead serious. Dead serious, yeah. But like clearly like giving like Bruce Campbell like Duke Nukem lines. Yeah. But with like no wink. I don't know. No, no humor, no humor at all.

He's just not in on it. I don't think he's in on it. No. Yeah. I don't either. There's a time that I wanted to talk about because like the doll lady like wakes up or she's sunbathing and then like a

pervert starts filming her but he's like the local like media producer. He's like a journalist and then he like sex blackmails are into it. He's like, I'm gonna keep hassling you unless you give me the story on you but like she's a public figure. He calls her a public figure. So this is a world where they know about her and they know about Doll Man, but they don't know about each other. I feel like if I was a foot tall, I would have a Google

alert for other foot tall people. Well, Doll Man does. Doll Man's coming after her. She doesn't know about Doll Man. And like this journalist is in the movie for five minutes and sex black males, two women. Like that's his whole role in this movie. It's just a sex blackmail people.

It's a real gross movie. At least he's doing the one thing he's good at. You know, you got to follow your dreams. Yeah. Yeah. So this is just to get the demon toys lady to Doll Man. She comes looking for them because he's written a story about them and they're living in her kitchen because they can't get

down and no one is helping them apparently. Yes. No one will happen. That is what happens. They can't get down. I love that bit. We do get 15 minutes of flashbacks in this sequence where we're getting her backstory, which is just the movie that she's in literally like, they're just like showing the whole thing in chronological order and in little clips. And then we get his movie too in this. But at the same time, and they're thorough enough, right? Of showing you what the movie was, but they still, it's somehow, I felt very lost and disoriented in this sequence where I was just like,

ah. They didn't pick the scenes for storytelling reasons. I think they took every effects shot from their movies and they're like, here's the flashback. All the expensive shit we did. Yes, I think you're right. And that's why we're so disorienting, I think. Because it's like, I'm not sure I under,

I know you just showed me something and told me things, but I still don't know that I understand how any of this is happening or why we're watching this. I worry we skipped past the spider. There's a spider that comes down and this is a fucking existential threat. Like this spider is going to kill Doll Lady. or why we're watching this. I worry we skipped past the spider. There's a spider that comes down and this is a fucking existential threat. Like this spider is going to kill Doll Lady.

This is how Doll Man arrives. He explodes the spider with his gun. I actually took a clip of them meeting, which is pretty good. It's a long clip, but I think people will enjoy it. The exterminator's here. Don't worry. You're not dreaming.

Who are you? Bardo. Brick Bardo. The papers call me Doll Man. Doll Man? Clever, huh? It's so fucking weird. I don't understand any of this. Did you get drunk like I did? I Don't understand any of this did you get drunk like I did Again

Gross Month ago, I would have just squished it. I knew anything so small could be so scary. That's what she said. Yeah. It was the real Sons of Sons. How could I have not left that in? I know it's too long a clip. There's like nothing happening during that. See, like, between those lines, there's not a lot of physical action.

They're just staring at each other, like, trying to remember their lines on this middle school, giant kitchen set. I love it. I love this movie so much. Well, and her acting, you were right, is painful. And to hear it without seeing her performance, like, I never knew anything so small could be so scary. Like, oh, yeah.

Nightmares, sorry. Four minute pause, nightmares come in all sizes. They really do. I don't want to spoil it. I'll save it till we get there. Okay. He has what I think was supposed to be like the line later in the movie, and it's the dumbest thing.

And I can't wait till we get there. There's so many of those where it's just like, I feel like this movie was written around a series of like, oh, this is a funny zinger, you know, and then they melded a movie around it. Also, I don't know that they ever said it out loud, but I just found out that that evil baby is named Baby Oopsy Daisy, which is a delightful thing to learn. Yeah, that's pretty funny.

Baby Oopsy Daisy, I love her. Basically what they do is put a big chunk of recaps of all three of their movies. They do Doll Man, they do Demon Toys, they do Bad Channels. Shamelessly, like sitting there saying, here is 15 minutes of my movie, cut back. Oh, here's 15 minutes of my movie, cut back.

Yeah, with like narration though, like Doll Man will be like, you know, well, I started out as a guy on a planet and there was a gang and then the gang did a thing and then my friend died and then I had to go to the store one time and I went over it. And everything he's saying, they're just like showing you quick clips, but not enough to get

any real context of anything and like, it's chaotic honestly, like we can't understand that. It should just say go rent Doll Man at your local Blockbuster. They really should. Yes, and then the lady dirty Harry, Judith, cause this movie now has two dirty Harry's. Right.

Is like the, by the way, the demon toys from my thing are back and maybe you are the perfect size to fight them. And Ginger, which is like, okay, I don't know how she decided. I think because he could fit into a vent and she was like, perfect. That's exactly it. That's precisely it. That's it. Yeah, because they hid an event. So she's like, we can stick you in the vent.

Perfect. And Ginger's like, this is all made up. I don't believe in demon toys, even though she has been shrunk by aliens. That's the best part. That's the best part of the whole movie. She's like, furious that they're even suggesting anything as outlandish as a demonic toy.

That's the dumbest thing she's ever heard, says the lady who was bathing in a like, it's the cup contact contact case. I did not watch bad channels. But the way she described shame on you the way she describes it is that they were shrunken by aliens at a radio station to take into the stars for a sex game show. People would win them depending on trivia answers they gave. That's my understanding.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I think happened as well. They were shrunk down to be portable. I want to say that the main plot is Doll Man trying to get laid. And then the B plot, or the A plot of her movie was sex crimes. The A plot of this movie is a lot of sex crimes. All the plot driving towards those final sex crimes are sex crimes.

Like we skipped over the cop talking to the reporter who's like, hey cop, I'll tell you where the tiny lady is if you have sex with me. Like he's like really blatant about it. And then she starts to flirt with him. She's like, oh, okay. And he's like, oh geez, I guess I'll tell you since you're touching my ear. And then she knees him in the balls and leaves.

That's his comeuppance. He's really bad at that. He got it, he got it. He got what was coming to him. The worst sex blackmailer on earth. He just told her exactly what she wanted to know. The instant she showed him any attention. And then he was like, wait, what? I thought we were doing sex blackmail.

I feel like if you went up to a cop and said, hey, I will give you information, cop, if you have sex with me, I feel like you're under arrest. Like, on any number of real charges and trumped up charges, I feel like they would put some cocaine in your pocket Like, on any number of real charges and trumped up charges, I feel like they would put some cocaine in your pocket and say, I found cocaine in your pocket. Yeah, if they didn't just outright tase or shoot you.

If you shot someone on the face for that, I'm fine with that, for the record. Yeah, no, to be fair, absolutely, absolutely. Ginger is convinced that why the cop is there is not to deal with demonic toys. It is to try and fuck her boyfriend. Yes! Amazing!

I thought that was so insane. It's like the only reason you're in this movie, ma'am, is because you're the only sexual option for Doll Man. And then a full-size woman shows up and I'm like, how do you think that's gonna work? Like we all know. Yep. Uh, I just love it. The only woman his size on Earth,

and she's just so possessive and controlling, just this maniac, fucks on the first conversation, doesn't believe anything he says. I really don't think he's got a good woman here, is my point. Yeah, no. What was her arc exactly?

Almost killed my spider, and sex object, and just a big bump in the road in the way of everyone else's plot. If you removed her from the movie, nothing would change. Yeah, she's a sexy pothole. What eventually emerges at an absolutely damning 56 minutes into this movie, into this hour long movie, is that the main demonic toys plot is also sexual assault based. Yes.

Yeah, which they could have done with the cop, but then, well, okay, here, we're skipping too much. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, it's okay, it's okay. They go, so they get into the warehouse and the cop immediately dies, immediately dies. Yes. Yeah. Which was so weird,

because that's just another thing, where if they had kept her, she could have taken over Doll Lady's part. But I think they just wanted a tiny lady, I guess. Well, when we say they get into the warehouse, this is 31 minutes into this movie. All of the things we've described so far, which, again, just to recap,

was a scene in a warehouse and a scene in a kitchen and a bunch of flashbacks. Like, that's all that's happened. Then they get to this warehouse now in the part that Lydia is about to describe. And the rest of the movie will be in this warehouse. So if it seems like we're stuck in just this one part, that's the movie.

That's the movie. Yeah. That's it. We skipped over the security guard from Willow. He is now working for the dolls. He is feeding prostitutes to their like blood pool. So they're murdering prostitutes for the blood. Now that our good guys coming with a gun. I did pull a clip of the start of the gunfight.

Oh yes. You take cover. I'm no wimp, you know. Yeah, I know baby. But you don't have a gun. We do. Woof woof woof woof woof. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Jesus, who's out there?

Arnold Schwarzenegger? Who? You driving back? Nah, they'll stick their heads out again. Okay, so the tactics she's using is, let's stay in one place and wait for the dolls to taunt us by sticking their heads out and then we'll shoot them in the face. I don't know how she died with a plan like that. I really don't.

Immediately. Yeah. And I also don't know. I mean, I guess it's a demonic toy, but it seems crazy that the little tiny robot can shoot just like actual real life lasers, I guess. It would be weird if it didn't. Like if you're watching that movie and the robot didn't shoot lasers, you'd be like, what the fuck am I watching? That's true. I may have blacked out, but do we get, in their flashback, do we get an explanation for why they're alive? I know, I don't think they told, I don't think they explained, but I mean, we get it.

Like they eat blood and they're evil. I mean, I don't need to watch that movie. I get it, I get it. Earlier in the movie, I think they said, you have to fight magic with magic Which I think is so funny because then doll man just comes in and shoots them all and it's like actually we changed our minds I did I wrote that down Yeah, the woman's the the Tracy Scoggins plan was just to go in there with her gun and shoot them which I think

It would have worked all she had to do is hit them But they are small one one of them has lasers. They all have vanish magic when they need it so they can like make things vanish or vanish themselves. If they don't use it a lot, I think they might need hooker blood for it to work. I don't know. I don't know all the rules because I didn't watch the movie. Now I'm seeing my mistake.

It's crazily enough, I just discovered this. The original Demonic Tour is written by David S. Goyer, which is pretty mind-blowing. I did not realize that he started at full moon. I mean, that's like, I mean, that guy has written everything from like the Blade trilogy to like Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy and like... Oh my God, I didn't know that. Yeah, dude. Like David S. Goyer is like, like, it's crazy that he wrote this,

like he came up with demonic toys. He might've been 11, we don't know. He wrote it on a napkin and they made it. It's a good concept, like it's funny. There are sequences of this that are really fun, like with the little, the snake, I really like the snake clown. Yeah, he's like a jack in the box

that hopped out of the box. Jack attack. And he's like, yeah. There's a part that made me laugh where the security guard comes out and he pulls a gun on the cop, and he's like, I'm evil now, I work for the, and she just like shoots him and he dies,

and I was like, wait, wait, that's, what? The whole thing. She immediately shoots him in the most hilarious way. Like no questions asked, nothing. Yep. She is a bad cop. She just executes him. She's a very bad cop.

Yeah. You can see why she's in trouble. It felt like the movie very much was like, when we need to get rid of someone, they're just dead. They just instantly die. And then they're gone and we move on. Doll Man fights a guy that looks a lot like the small soldiers guy, like a military action figure type character.

And they have a guy in a big plastic mascot costume fighting Tim Tomerson. It's awesome. Ginger climbs up and she's throwing tiny balls at him, which I guess they're marbles. I don't know. They don't really like, they must be marbles to scale, but they didn't do a big, it's a bad gag. And then there's a funny kick where Tim Tomerson gives him what might be the gentlest kick I've ever seen.

Like I kick my seven-year-old daughter harder when we're doing karate battles. They're like, Tim, we cannot afford to break the costume. We cannot break any of these. We only have one of everything, clearly. So yeah, they're still in the warehouse. There's honestly, there's a lot of shots of like them running down a hallway. Oh my God, just same fucking hallway.

It's almost like a Garth Marenghi gag. It's like, yes, it is. It feels like an intentional joke, but I don't think it is. No, no, no, no, no, no, it definitely is not. There's nothing funny about this. Like the jokes in this movie identify themselves very clearly and it's basically just like them saying like bitch and like, you know what I mean?

What if we called that woman a bitch? What if we sexually assaulted that woman for 40 minutes? Well, I don't wanna spoil the big brick Bardo line, but like there's one I wrote down where the baby goes um he goes psycho all bitches are crazy Don't look so surprised jerkweed. I know all about women and it's like What okay? What is this? What's this movie? I wrote that down cuz I was like what is he saying right now? Yes, like it's this it's basically a bunch of little battle vignettes, where, you know, Jennifer, the doll lady, is running through the vents, chased by the clown.

Doll Man is fighting with the G.I. Joe off-brand with the big wide eyes. Um, and he tricks him into, like, shoving a... I think it's a fork into a socket. He gets electrified. That was pretty good. That character, by the way, is, um... I did a... I think I spent more time on Wikipedia's and really enjoyed

the Wikipedia dive than I did enjoying the time in the movie, but that guy is called Zombitoid for some reason. Okay. He's a zombie? Don't worry about it. Okay. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

And it's his first and only appearance in any of the Demonic Toys quadrilogies. So they brought him in just for this one. There's four of these movies and then there's also a trilogy of baby Oopsy Daisy spin-offs too. We all want more baby Oopsy Daisy. I mean, who doesn't? He was great. And you can't tell the guy voicing him is having fun, I think.

Yeah. Frank Rook was like, daddy's gotta eat. Garfield paid shit. They reveal that their master plan. Here we go. Oh wait, we gotta do the thing where they tie up Doll Man to two RC cars, which hilarious. They're like, we're gonna. I want 20 more gags like this.

I want like a whole bunch of Honey I Shrunk the Kids gags. Yes, they're gonna rip him in two with these, but the doll lady escapes and frees him. But during that time, they're like, our plan is that in order to raise their demon master, someone has to be raped and impregnated. And so the demon master is going to give the baby genitals at midnight so that he can impregnate Doll Lady.

And he's like, this is my plan. While Doll Man watches. While Doll Man watches, Doll Man says, oh no, we all were at this down. We all were at this down. I think we did, go ahead. Okay, go ahead. Okay, I'll say Doll Man's line, which is,

you're a fucking toy. And then the baby goes, yeah, that's right, I'm a doll man's line, which is you're a fucking toy. And then the baby goes yeah, that's right I'm a fucking toy and comes midnight. That's exactly what I'll be doing to the doll chick Yeah, it's really good the world's worst line because it's like really think about that line, right? He's like, hey, man, you're a fucking toy. Like that's the setup, right? We know it's a setup like this guy was so proud the writer of this was like, hell yeah, you're a fucking toy. Like that's the setup, right? We know it's a setup. Like this guy was so proud. The writer of this was like, hell yeah. And then he goes, that's right, I'm a fucking toy.

Unnecessary, right? Completely necessary. We already set it up. You're a fucking toy. All he had to say was, yeah, and at midnight, that's exactly what I'll be doing to her. That's it. Why do they say, yes, that's right, I'm a fucking toy.

And comes midnight. that's exactly. Comes midnight. Yeah. And you know that's spelled wrong. You know that cum is spelled wrong. Yes, it is. That's exactly what I'll be doing. And then he says to doll chick, which again, feels like unnecessary, like just to her. We know who there's only one tiny lady that you're standing next to. We know who there's only one tiny lady that you're standing next to. This was another scene where the scale was so off because like the baby is like a baby doll size. Right. And the doll lady is like a Barbie size.

But then they do these shots where she's tied to the bed and this giant baby hand like gropes her breasts and stuff but it's too big it's it's clearly so much bigger than it's the best the poor that poor actress when it rips her shirt open she looks visibly upset that she's like like you can see her disassociate and go like, is this what I moved to Los Angeles for? Yeah, she's tracing all of her life's choices back. What have I done? The baby gropes her for about like, I mean a good solid seven minutes.

It's just cutting back and forth between her being groped by the baby and Doll Man killing the clown, the last one he has to kill. And it's just chop, chop back and forth between that for so long. Right, because we've skipped, he does kill the Jack in the Box one,

and that's when he delivers the fantastic, memorable, as good as Hasta la Vista baby, he says, Pup Goes the Weasel. Yes, pretty good. Pretty good. The toy deaths are good because they clearly took toys and exploded them. They just set up the camera, bait a little toy, exploded the plot. It's great. All the toys are filled with this green goop. So it's like they did, they set it up, right?

They were like, all right, put that green shit in there. We got so much of this stuff. We ordered too much of the green goop. I was going to say that so much of this can go unsaid. I feel like when the central plot is we're going to unwillingly impregnate this woman, you're like, OK, gross. We get the tension. We get the stakes here. This is bad.

But to have maybe, there's got to be eight or nine different lines dedicated. Just explain to the viewer this is exactly what we're doing. And in a movie that's kind of 20 minutes long, to have so much of it taken up with like this doll saying, I'm going to rape this other woman. You're like, okay, we get it. Almost to the point that it's like,

did they think this was funny? Because it's a baby doll and you're like, hmm. Yeah, definitely. It was 1993 and I think we all like kind of used sexual assault as a punchline a little too much back then. I think maybe this movie used it all up. This was the one where we're- People watched it and were like,

you know what, actually this is fucked up. Yeah. This is what started the whole woke movement was this film. There is, I do think we have to, there's a very important part of this film where we get the baby explains the origin of their master, did you pull that clip,

his monologue, the baby's monologue? No, I did not. I think I might've, we might've used all my clips. The baby says, I'm not gonna do the voice, but the baby says, about 67 years ago on Halloween, some dipshit tried to give him, he's talking about his master. The demon under the warehouse, yeah. Some dipshit tried to give him, he's talking about his master. Some-

The demon under the warehouse. Yeah. Some dipshit tried to give him a body by letting the master do the nasty with some bimbo. Unfortunately, they blew it somehow and the kid was born dead. Being the real brain busters, they were. They had some rug rat trick or treaters

bury the demon baby in the ground, but they didn't realize that someday some yo-yos would build this warehouse over the burial site. And for—this is all one sentence—and for 66 years, the master was a prisoner inside the corpse. What does that mean? Looked like he would never get another chance until that pregnant slut Judith Grey showed up. Her holier than now spirit helped to fuck up everything, and that was a year ago. Still no period.

And here we are again, Halloween night. The master said he's going to go inside me and bang the doll chick, kid. She'll have a kid. Why did he use kid toys there? And finally the master will have the body he needs. Yes. So just so it's clear, we explained it very thoroughly. Wow.

It really is just, the way he talks is so awful. It's like an 8chan post. It's like someone explaining like the remains of the day with 8chan speak or something. You're like, what are you talking about here? The bimbo, the dumb slut. You're like, I don't understand the standards you're using to come up with these words.

The pregnant slut. Exactly. I feel like if I was describing, look who's talking, and I was like, so it opens with this pregnant slut, right? And then the baby comes the baby comes out, but the baby's dead and there's a real idiot baby's talking all the time. Like it's crazy. And he talks with the voice of that gay Scientologist guy, the disco fruit loopery. Yeah, exactly. Was anyone else horrified that when the clock struck midnight and they showed it that they were going to show the baby grow genitals? Yeah, I did. I really, so worried about that. I was a little worried. I was hoping for it and worried at the same time. Like,

luckily all they do is have him vibrate a little bit and then he says, I am ready now. Yeah, which, you know, just to let us know. I think a real gentle way of putting it with the way he talks. I think maybe the thing that I prefer about Troma is this movie felt like it just didn't, like it felt like it's a movie that wanted to have nudity, but like then didn't, like, oh, shocks. And then it felt like a movie that wanted to have gore, but like kind of didn't, you know?

Like at every step, and then it was like, ooh, are they gonna like, are they gonna like do something like really crazy here and show us like a weird like baby doll, like wiener? And then they- So you were rooting to see the baby doll take a crow. Honestly, at that point in the movie, which is now like minute 57 of a 60 minute movie,

I was like, okay, at least if the whole movie was building to them being like, yo, we came up with the craziest idea. Like this is going to blow people. This is going to be like the end of the crying because this is the what 1993. They may have been like that would be like the end of the crying game. Like they would just blow people away if we showed it. Then they don't.

It is kind of a good window into that era where it is just so lewd and so discussed. Every life this movie touches is just a little worse. Like it's so gross. Every character is morally reprehensible, but there's no nipples. And it's like, what was the moral majority we were working with in fucking 1993 where that's what we decided,

here's how we should live our lives. Just awful, awful people, but everybody's got at least a bra on. Yeah. You can call every woman a bitch multiple times, but you will not show her body. It's very, I mean, it's like, that part I was great. I was so glad when he ripped her shirt open,

she was wearing a bra, because I didn't want this actress to have wasted exposing her breasts to the public. Wasted her titties on this movie. In this movie. That's like a thing that like, it feels like, I mean, I guess like some people don't really, like really truly don't care that much, but it does feel like a thing where it's like, at least that's in like a movie that you're like,

oh, that was like a really good movie, you know, that that lady was naked. This is like, oh, come on, she didn't have to do that. So I was grateful to them that they were so weirdly prudish. Weirdly puritanical about having her dress be ripped open and her wearing like a very sensible bra. Sensible bra, you know, but no problem saying,

having a baby say, I'll split him a new asshole. Yeah. Probably the most uncomfortable act three I can think of. Yeah, definitely. What a fucking out of left field twist to be like, yeah, the baby's gonna grow genitals and rape this woman. And you're like, what? Yeah.

Like that's the end of this movie. Get rid of that. And they don't let you stop thinking about it. They're not like, okay, now let's move on to the rest of the other characters. What do they have to look? Oh, they're gonna watch the thing you just said while they talk about it.

Oh God. Yep. Oh God. You know, the whole movie, I was like, it is messed up that this little doll lady Oh, God. Yep. Oh, God. You know, the whole movie, I was like, it is messed up that this little doll lady is only here because he wanted to bring his girlfriend with him for some reason.

And then when I got to this scene, then I realized, oh, nope, she was only here so she could potentially be raped. I was like, oh, I kind of prefer it whereas she was at least there consens was like, oh, I kind of prefer it where it's just like, she was like, at least there like consensually with her boyfriend, you know? I gotta say, she does kind of, she is kind of the one who defeats him.

Like I said, you can take her out of the movie, but when he says like, okay, I'm ready, I have a dick now, she's like, oh, he has a dick now, and she kicks him in the dick. She does kick him in the, he is defeated by a kick to the dick. Which I did love. I was like, okay, she did do something

and it was kick him in the dick and that distracted him enough that Doll Man could then explode him. I do think it's worth explaining though that right up until that moment, what happens is they're in a tiny dollhouse, okay? In a bedroom in a dollhouse. The doll, she's like tied to a bed, bed right with her hands like over her head and stuff

The doll guy the the baby is like hovering over her doll man comes in the room holding his gun that Explodes everything it hits. Okay. This baby is baby doll size. It looks enormous It looks enormous in this tiny doll house room. Doll Man is like, I got a gun. The baby then goes, no, if you kill me, I'm going to strangle her and takes its big baby hand, which so far never has moved its fingers once and just kind of places it on her face. And Doll Man goes, oh shit. And like lowers the gun.

And I literally was like, come on, dude. Like just shoot the baby. What's he gonna do to her? The cop already shot the little person in the same kind of showdown. Yes. Yeah. It's crazy that Doll Man acquiesces in that moment and goes like,

Oh yeah, no, you know what? I can't risk this. This could go bad. I can't have that on my conscience. One thing we haven't mentioned is that Doll Man has a magic magnet on his right hand that can summon his gun. In his hand. Like in his hand. Yes. Yeah. And so him dropping his gun is not that big a deal because he can very quickly, you know, use the force and pull it back. Oh, except one time in this movie where it gets... It gets stuck. Right, it gets stuck under a box.

Stuck under a little box. And he's like, oh no, my one thing. My weakness, a potential corner. It's really so goddamn dumb. I moved out here 13 years ago to Los Angeles to work in the entertainment industry. And I feel like it's not fair that this movie exists. Yeah, once you think of it like that, you're like, think of all the scripts that they could have made other than this.

Anyone could, yeah, I'm not even saying I'm like the world's best writer. I'm not, I would never say that about myself. But like, I feel like I could at least write this. Like, but why would I? We all know a hundred people who could do better than this. Like, yeah. But that's the frustrating part.

I feel like there's hungry people, even in 1993, there had to be hungry people who also were good. Like Goyer, that's why I go like, oh, it makes sense that Doll Man was maybe more of like a real movie. Like, you know, or no, that wasn't even him. I wonder what Demonic Toys is like. Now I'm so curious to find out what Demonic Toys is like, because that feels like the kind of thing where, yeah, a guy who's actually a good writer would go on to write like the Dark Knight trilogy, right? Gets this early job. I would imagine he at least tried, like we would all try, right?

Like if you got hired, if they were going to pay you, like you would try, wouldn't you? Yeah, I think that, yeah, I think that this movie is the Avengers of those three movies that don't really go together and whoever they hired to sew them together was just like, fuck, I don't know, she kicks him in the dick and then that's the end of the movie. There is a laziness to it that maybe it's contempt, I don't know, but like whoever put this together was like, I don't care. Yeah. Full Moon, like I said, from what I understood, they were very aware of like what they were. So this could also be as empty and vacant as just like, cool, let's like cram all these things in.

Let's stuff a bunch of filler like of the shit we already shot and then like release this on the market and it'll go into video stores and we can make a couple hundred thousand dollars off of it. It is practically commercial. After they blow up the doll, they look up at the moon. That looks very much like their production logo. It does, yeah. So they're very much winking at us. Like, hey, go check out all of our great films

here at Full Moon Productions. They're not like this. They're not like this one. This one was for the fans. I feel like this really was for the fans. I mean, they're not like this. They're not like this one. This this one was for the fans, you know I feel like this really was like for the fan. I mean they had like full moon. This is their clerks three That's right, this is their clerks three. Yes, and it ends with doll man and doll lady getting in a little cab to go on more adventures Apparently they can get around now. They can get off the counter. So that's kind of an arc that's been completed And it's uh, it's a happy ending. It is happy.

I think, okay. So I tried to do the math on this. It's 20% of the movie is baby sex crime. 40% is flashbacks. And the rest is like really bad actors running around on a very small, but gigantic set. Yeah. Gigantic in scale, but very small in scope.

Yeah. Yes. Very succinct summary. Yeah, that is what it is. It's an embarrassing, horny, disgusting, sex crime of a clip show, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. That's my review of this film. Put that in yourillian, ciao! Does Frankfurt's podcast say that? Correct!

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