The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 196, Hard Ticket to Hawaii with Mark Mahoney

Episode Date: October 9, 2024

Seanbaby & Dennard welcome special guest, Mark Mahoney to review, "Hard Ticket to Hawaii"! Considered far and wide to be a movie, it is generally regarded and furthermore, exists! Those who love movies will absolutely acknowledge "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" as one! Hard Ticket to Hawaii: "You will believe a snake has cancer."

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But welcome to the Dogzone 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-HOTDOG. The last endorphins available, like on screens, online, anything that has electricity behind it, I think this is the last thing where your lips curl upwards instead of the other thing. Right, I remember those. I remember those. It's a weird sensation. And uh, similes. Yeah, similes like as various other transitions that you don't bother to remember because

it's kind of a waste of RAM, but yeah, this is the internet's Constantinople, the arc of comedy, the oasis in a desert of bots. Unless you get like a really sick thing out of Korra, which I kind of get, but if you can't dance, it is the only reason to own a screen. I can dance and it's still all I do because every dance challenge insults motion, the human body, and your mind. Here we only curse your mind. This is a beautiful intro, Danai. I like that your intros are as dense as your writing. Oh yeah, this is my signature, I guess.

My brain's always bouncing around like a tennis ball. And the court for it, 1900 hot dog, There is a comedy article every weekday, Monday through Friday, it is more reliable than all the glass, like tall buildings in your town or my town or any town. And they are funnier and smarter than every other option. Trust me, I've looked. There are also no other options. And in case you're, you know, sort of, sort of an audio only type, usually, just to tease you, last week we covered a self-help book about murdering your ex, a video game about being murdered in a video store, well it was a record store, a tabletop game about karate murder, a manga about murdering virgins, a comic about every other type of murder.

So if you have like a thirst for blood that is just not being sated 1-900 hot dog is it's right there for you I did sort of notice when I was scheduling the week that this is a real murder heavy week They're not always like that Peaceful listeners. It's not all about maiming. We promise Ross. I remember the weirdest coincidence was a It was like accidentally doll week once, I think. Yeah, that was weird. I think we accidentally had a cat week. Cat week was a cat week is pretty gold. I loved the not stoner cats itself, the right of that was a good time. Yeah. So then there's big feats. If you're here, you should also just listen to big feats. Like the overlap of appeal is a circle. Listen to big smile twice a week like you're an FBI prosecutor this month.

Like this is your moment. Enjoy that. Part of our Mount Rushmore here includes your main host, patient zero of digital laughter, Sean Bader. Thank you. This is a fantastic intro. I don't even want to say anything because I'm just enjoying it.

Fantastic. And today's guest is Mark Mahoney, aka Bad Candy Mark, the survivor of every sugar substitute. I read a bunch of that this week and I am pretty sure that you have superpowers now. I appreciate that you bring it up every time I come on here. Despite the fact that I am 90% sure that that reference has no meaning to most anyone still living on this planet. You say that but like every time you're on someone inevitably says on some sort of a platform, oh hey, is this bad candy mark? Like people have long memories.

I guess so. That's weird. I mean, I remember the Honky Tonk Man. What was that, 50 years ago? Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. You're like the Honky Tonk Man to me is what I'm saying. That's the nicest compliment I can give.

I think that might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Yeah, you've got that intercontinental champion kind of sheen, you know? Yup. Endurance. Endurance. I'm excited to be here. I was telling Sean earlier, I was literally born to talk about this movie that we were watching today. Yeah, you're being brought in as like a world-class expert today. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to, before someone else gets a chance to mention it, I don't want to say who it is or what the film is,

but I have been watching this man's films for like 20-something years. This is my shit. Denar, do you have an intro for our subject? I did not prepare one for the subject. I can totally freewheel, but... Well, then that's freewheel because, yeah, Mark and I have been watching this guy's movies forever. Mark obviously is the expert.

I've probably seen all of, what is he, ten movies? Depending on how you want to count it, there's twelve or thirteen. Okay. The last one that was going into production when he died, Battlezone Hawaii, I don't think it made it past pre-production. But I would give literally anything to see that script. If I'm being honest, I can already picture it. I know exactly what that movie would be. And it would have been.

The Bronze Strokes, the Bronze Strokes at least. We're talking about Andy Sedaris, if you don't know. And today we're watching Heart Ticket to Hawaii. And Denar, you'd never heard of this dude or seen his movies, right? This was my first experience. I was actually having kind of a trash can week until about 15 seconds after I pressed play on this movie. And now I have to give this I've got to give this like a week like a 9.2 out of 10 because this is it's so incredible in a world of like unlimited resources, I now know that everyone should just get to make a movie that is just their favorite things,

stitched together, zero transitions. And that's literally what he did for like two decades. Yeah, it is kind of electric. What's special about Andy Sedaris is like, when you think about the most generic exploitation movie, like just hot cars and sexy babes and explosions, that's not really a very common thing outside of Andy Cideres. He's sort of an example of something that is basically a

cliche the moment it's invented. Back in the day, I have a spreadsheet of millions of cracked article ideas. I had one for things like this that sort of seemed like a cynical copy, even though they're really unique, like Alf or Theodore Rex, like you see Alf and you're like, oh, another fucking sitcom about a space monster. But then you're like, wait a second, no, this is really weird. But like, it feels like a cliche. It rewards attention in a way that the box cover

in the video store didn't let on. Or, you know, the intro in the TV guide for Cinemax at like 1 a.m. Yeah, but it sounds like a grandma, like making fun of an action movie. Like another one of those titty exploding helicopter tropical paradise movies like, no, this is a really unique thing you just said. But it feels like you just like yada yadaing. I think that I mean, that makes a lot of sense

because like when I list out the pieces of this movie, it's way crazier than the way my brain tries to wrap it up as like, oh yeah, yeah, it's like a blonde bombshell action movie. This is a sumo wrestler RC card diamond heist poisonous snake. I was telling Sean, I do not envy whomever amongst us is going to try to relay the plot of this movie today? Because it's like, it's like if someone took like three different Baywatch episodes and spliced them all together, there's like 18 different threads going on. And none of them really matter. I think it's also confusing because a lot of the exposition is delivered while a woman is changing

her clothes. In a really like, like leering male gazeway. They're like, hey, let's see them titties. And then she's also kind of saying something important. You're like, I missed the, start over lady. I obviously was distracted. You knew this was gonna distract me. One of them talks about their dead parents with like both of them just hanging out. Yeah, just sitting around.

Yeah. Yeah. One of the things that's hilarious about these movies is like you watch them and then you even you'll watch them two more times and you'll realize I don't know any of the characters names in this film. I actually had to go to IMDB to look up the names of it and I've seen this movie like 12 times, I'm gonna say 15 times. Amazing.

Yeah, I know Donna and I know Taryn because they say their names a lot and I think Donna, that's her real name, Donna Spear. Yes, yeah, probably should've been a number or any other name. But yeah, I called it main hunk and ponytail hunk for the guys. I wrote down hunks. I wrote down hunks. It's an important character that I retained just because the character that talks to her says her name like 16 times in a row is Catherine.

Like the producer just spams her name the entire time that he's hitting on her. Yep. And I guess it's also like, distinguish him as this fast talking guy. But I was thinking, Oh, is Katherine about to enter like our power trio here? Is this like a late and she's like a player three blonde? I think I think her character might have come back in subsequent movies. He had a weird way of sort of kind of weaving characters through the various movies, but think it's funny because this is like in the in the kind of gradient the spectrum of Andy Sedaris. This is a very early movie. I think this is like the second one in the like, quote unquote, lethal lady series, the what is it the legion to ensure total harmony and law. You asked like you wouldn't be the one to know that. Like, oh, yes, yeah, Mark, I think you're right about what Lethal Ladies stands for.

Oh, yeah, I've got a Post-It note here. Just a little flex. It's amazing, because this is so early in his career, but he already has posters of his other movies on the wall in the movie. Yes. And I'm like, oh, what a subtle little Easter egg. No, the fucking character points at it and says, you have a poster of the director's other movies on your wall. One of them is a fangirl of it. The other is a like half fangirl.

There is no one is like tie it back in because the first movie is Malibu Express and the movie actually opens on them swimming around skinny dipping around the Malibu Express. So that's like a tie in back to that movie. But then he kind of keeps doing that for each movie, but not really. Like one of his later films had like Marcus Bagwell, Buff Bagwell in it. And in one movie, he's a bad guy. The next time he comes back, he's a good guy.

Like clearly he was more about working these relationships with very like interesting people. That was more important than like any sort of like cinematic universe he was trying to create. It does feel like a more soulful version of that Adam Sandler thing of, hey, can I just bring 20 people to like the most beautiful place in the world and maybe we'll make a movie but we'll see what happens. This is the thing I truly love about his films is that like, you can, like, you know, these movies were really fun for everyone to make. Except for the women, I think.

I mean, they were 90s, they're 80s bikini babes. I don't think they've met a producer that didn't do something pretty criminal. You look at Andy Cenarius and like you watch interviews with him. Like his wife was a producer on all these films. Like he, I think she wrote two of them. He writes all of them. She produces most of them. And then usually his kids come in

and help out in the movie in some way. Like I think his son has done like director photography a bunch of times. So she got to go with your family to a beautiful vacation. Yeah, so like it can't have been that creepy. Like, yes, he's a creep. He's a TV producer. He was a famous TV producer. I think on screen it's creepy.

I can't imagine what it's like behind the scenes. I can only live in hope. The entire time that I was enjoying this movie, I was just, I was on the borderline of like having a Behelit moment in terms of just like the wish of just like, do not be a McMahon, do not be, be just one time, one blonde loving nutcase. Not be skeletal. I think he was probably, I'm not ever gonna say, I mean, you know, he's dead now,

but you can always have your milkshake duck moment later. But like, I really think that he was like probably just kind of a nice lech at worst. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I totally agree. Like I'm talking about creepy, but I don't think he's Harvey Weinstein, like. No.

Super gross. I don't think any of these women did sexual favors, but I do think they had to put up with a whole lot of unwanted, maybe some gentle touching, a lot of flirting. Definitely him looking directly at their boobs when he was talking to them most of the time. Yeah, yeah.

There's one scene that bothers me so much where, okay, so the girl comes in and she greets her boyfriend and she's like, oh, hey, and he goes, hey, baby. And it's like, she's talking directly to her boyfriend. They start making out and he's like squeezing his head in there trying to make eye contact with her after he calls her baby, like, no, no, let's have our little intimate moment, sweetheart.

And I'm just like, dude, this is so gross. Like, I don't know. It's just one of those scenes where I'm like, okay, I think I get this guy. I think I get his relationship with strange women. Yeah. Can I do a hard sequence break for the one I thought was weird? Absolutely. Okay.

Just when they pull Edie out of the like nunchuck sex torture chamber. Right. And he immediately starts hitting on her with the cake thing. It's like, hey, wanna recreate some trauma? She's still tied up and gagged. And he's like, kind of making fun of her. We're getting ahead of ourselves because I do have that clip. And it's so I like, let's try to guess go through the plot. I'll take it upon myself. I did take some, I guess, notes, I guess you'd call these. Before we start, I wanted to note one thing. So during the pandemic, my friends Rachel and Kenzie and I kind of formed a pod and we did like movie nights in the backyard. Then I made them watch

the entire Andrew Sedaris thermography with me. Holy shit. And we started keeping a count of every scene one or a pair of boobs showed up in. And Kenzie called it the tit tally and she has a list on her phone. So I asked her what was the tit tally for this movie and it's eight. That sounds about right. The average for these movies is 12. And the most in any movie that we were able to count was Malibu Express at 22. So this is actually the low end of the boo brain.

Okay. I will note the, I did note big notes on where the nudity happens, so I can let people know as you're working through the, yeah. I might have those in my notes, but generally in, as an excuse for like, I have no fucking idea what's going on, probably because everybody's tits were out in the scene again. But again, I don't think that's entirely on me.

I do think there is some bad writing in this movie. Yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's the plot is inscrutable. I would almost call it like directorial improv. Like they are clearly freewheeling in a way. This movie is basically impossible for me to get mad at in the conventional sense because as soon as it opened up on the fucking boat with her naked, like, okay, I know. Yeah, I understand the mission here. We

strong establishing shot. Yeah, we have not come here to try to examine the human condition, but rather the condition of the human, you know, no, no, he, he straight up writes these in less than a week. I've read interviews where he says this is that is not what the thing he spends time on for these films. There's something about Annie Sedaris that is both, like, really lazy, but also like a lot of attention to detail. Like in the opening credits, there's a lot of names on crates. Like, that's how they do the credits is they go through like this crate warehouse and all of the, you know, the staff and crew are on these crates, but not stenciled on with spray paint, like someone printed them off on brown paper and just taped them to the crate. It's like, buddy, this is like the start of something like, like it's just not quite there.

And then the brown paper like ends up on forklifts and like clipboards. And you're like, like, you have this idea and you just didn't quite follow through with it enough to be good. And that's how a lot of these scenes are, where instead of just getting into a plane and cutting into that scene, they'll show her like checking her instruments, but they don't like perv out on her body or hit the right buttons.

Like she's just hammering buttons. They're like, why do that insert shot? They had to totally set up a new camera, but for nothing, for no reason. One of the things that is clearly like very important to Andy Sedaris is like transportation and showing characters being in fancy vehicles and going places.

Yeah. There's like long shots of it. Like exactly like like like characters driving somewhere, planes taxing and planes taking off and then landing somewhere else. And it's like the things that you would be normally willing to be like, okay, they went somewhere else. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, establishing shots, you know how it happened. Yeah, these are how wing flaps work. It's interesting. It's one of those things where there is a ton of energy and not a ton of effort. It's a very particular combination. Yeah, yeah. Lazy is the wrong word for it. Just unfinished is

closer. Yeah. So like, he's just making a movie about the things he loves and the things he loves are like airplanes, remote control vehicles, naked people. Yeah, Frisbee. He's a diverse man. The places he owns houses, which is like Hawaii, Dallas, Malibu, all these, his homes show up in these movies again and again. He just, it's like incredible. Yeah, he Yeah, he just, you're right. He's doing the Adam Sandler thing. He loves a high-waisted thong. He likes those long butts, you know? They can look like a... We still haven't started the plot.

Okay, okay. Oh, right, the plot, yeah. So we open with a bikini makeout scene. It's great. Even the guy, he's in little Speedo bikini. Fantastic. So they're talking about a woman getting transferred to drug enforcement, but again, her tits are out, so I'm not quite sure. I'm also very distracted by their terrible chemistry.

Like it seems like everyone's spouses are on set watching them make out. And so they're like, no, honey, honey, I hate this. I hate this. Oh, that he's out there like hands out to the side, like no contact, no contact. His movie, the love scenes in his movies are always like, they look, it's like a, it's like a fifth grade class collaborated on what they thought lovemaking looked like. Like that's how he shoots his, it's not sensual or even remotely erotic. It's like his sex drive as soon as like the abs and the breasts are out, he's like, mission accomplished. Good enough.

Yeah, done. That's how you beg. No, no, no, leave your pants on. It's fine. The finest lovemaking I ever seen. Like, dude, we didn't even do anything. Her boob like rubbed against my shin. Yeah, that's food base. So there's these two cops that show up in a boat and they leave their gun in the boat.

They're like, oh, we do not need this gun. And so they leave it abandoned on the beach. And I was like, that's fucking weird. But again, he's thought of everything. He's like, we can't have these guys have a gun when they get to the bad guys. But instead of like, just removing the gun from the script, they're like, how about we do an elaborate scene where they leave an unintended gun on a public beach? Right. It's like a plot version of like, incriminating yourself on the stand or something. Like,

this gun is huge, by the way. Yeah, it's like an elephant gun they brought to their like, local beach patrol. They run into some guys with machine guns and they're like, oh, we should get out of here. Go get the gun. They like trip over a rope and get pulled in like an Ewok snare trap and then you just get shotgun murdered. Like, it's so brutal, too. Like normally, anti-Sidaris violence is not...

This movie is kind of gnarlier than most of his movies. Like they straight up blow two holes through these guys. Yeah, like sadistic laughter as these two men are being murdered. Okay, so then the guy in the shades, his name is shades, he says this line, I have no fucking idea what he was trying to say. And that's how they like hard cut intro to the credits. I'll play it for you. Take the boat and the shredder and to the fish all the way up your butt. Bye.

Cut. Can we get maybe one coherent version of that? I bet you though that that was word for word what was written in the script for some reason. Oh for sure. No, nobody's gonna ad lib for Annie Sedaris. I love the delivery, like everyone has just read the line six minutes ago. Yep. Yep. Or they're reading it from a paper held up in front of them. The credits are funny too because like a lot of the people get special credits like Kwan Hee Lim gets, he's like, special appearance by Kwan Hee Lim. And I'm like, who's that guy? I look him up, he's like a supporting cast member for Magnum B.I.

Yeah, they were like, it's like... Dude, we really got him. We got him. We got Lim. They're like, we got an hour in the warehouse. We may as well just like shoot all the names. There's tons of boxes. I don't know. That's why I love it. Like what? No one knows what rules he's playing by. This is fucking weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's running on his own little cinematic language here. Yep. But it's kind of cool, like the forklift pulls up and you're like, oh, there's like a name on the box and the camera pans up the forklift and like, oh, there's another name on the forklift. It's cute. It's cute. Okay, so this movie has a weird way of bulldozing my inner cynic. That's the magic in Andy Sedaris. And I started out with this whole thing like, this is this

this sequence take it fucking forever and have like, okay, so you printed out everyone's name. That's kind of nice in a way for this like, weird tropical vacation. I'm just very behind this movie existing, I guess. That makes me really happy to hear that. 100%. Oh, there's a contaminated snake in the warehouse. Contaminated snake. Love it. It's such a great thing to be. The most dangerous substance in the universe is a contaminated snake.

I feel like it's such a perfect Anisodaris, like, stakes, because what? But like, you get it. Like, I know what that is. Wait, no, I don't. That's not a thing. I think for a second, he just considered, like, super venomous snake, and he said, no, cowardice.

No, no, no. Triple down. Contaminated. So it's got like a disease, kind of, not really. Maybe. Is it radioactive? No, no, no. Well, you know, maybe. So we cut to the base. I think it's the only thing with off screen kills in this movie actually. Everything else gets like the shot reaction fly through the air.

You know what's interesting about the snake that just occurred to me? It's kind of both the film's MacGuffin and main bad guy. Yeah. That's that's kind of fascinating. Yeah, nature is way tougher than drug fortresses in this movie. Like, yeah, it's like the one weakness of the main bad guy. Well, besides that, he can't fight and his organization is a piece of shit. OK, we'll get we'll get. Yeah, sorry.

So again, they're trying to do exposition that once tits out. It's it's it's brilliant, but it's like also the opposite of its purpose. So I don't, I do not know what's happening. I genuinely, after watching the movie, probably was my third time, I definitely watched it a couple of times with you. I don't know what everyone's jobs are. I think they're spies. But also, they run like a cargo, like tourists plane, but, but that's a cover, right? All the all the movies always have like these female agents or like running a cover operation. Okay.

And usually it's also its own very successful business for some reason. In this case, Donna and Taryn, Hope Marie Carlton, her character, are running Molokai cargo where they're like ferrying things around while doing secret agent drug enforcement, whatever. But there's a wonderful conversation here where Donna's talking, Taryn's in witness protection or something. Yes. Yeah, that was what I was gonna say is like, she's like somehow not really a federal agent,

but still can kill with impunity, I guess. Donna is just telling her, you need to take your fitness more seriously. And they are basically clones. They look identical. The funny thing is the entire time watching the scene, there are just nunchucks hanging off of the one that is supposed to be non-jacked. I think the way I am supposed to be staring at her ass, I am just locked on these nunchucks. There is a strong nunchuck presence in this movie that I really appreciate. Yeah. I see everything is very distracting.

Like, there's a naked woman next to Nunchucks talking about some really boring exposition. Like, that is a distant third place story. So the babes now have to deliver two things in this case, the honeymoon couple and a contaminated snake. But they don't know it's a contaminated snake. The forklift operator like accidentally knocked the contaminated sticker off. So they think it's just a contaminated snake. But they don't know it's a contaminated snake. The forklift operator like accidentally knocked the contaminated sticker off. So they think it's just a regular snake. And that really is just exactly what happens.

That's not even a joke. Amazing. Also, I'm glad you mentioned Hope Marie Carlton. I looked her up on IMDB and her description is this. I quote, extremely cute, slim and shapely blonde, sprite Hope Marie Carlton was born Hope Marie Risatano on March 3rd, 1966 in Riverhead, New York. And that's great. Wonderful description. Here's the description for Donna Spear, who plays Donna.

Shapely and statuesque blonde knockout Donna Spear was born on February 7th, 1964 in Norwalk, California. So I feel like Annie Sedaris wrote Everybody's INDB, which is adorable. Yeah, maybe. Actually, that might have been the case. The voice does sound like his subconscious. Yep. I got the perfect description for you, Toots. Shapely and statuesque, blonde knockout. OK, Andy. And then he pauses like, no, no, I got to humanize them. Riverhead, New York. Bang.

Everyone's got an origin. everyone's got a story. You know what I love about this movie is it does have an expository theme song. So I'm gonna play that right now. Oh, wonderful. This plays as they ferry the contaminated snake to the main island. And the honeymoon couple. Yes, To the main island. And the honeymoon couple. Yes, and the honeymoon couple. I'm gonna do this with I'm sorry. Beautiful.

There he is. Now I'm gonna let it play because I love this part here, where it just sort of sounds like they stopped and cut to a different thing. Nope. Same song. It's just not very good musically. Still just a tracking shot of the airplane from various angles. Flying over legitimately beautiful Hawaii.

Absolutely. Any other movie that... A long time. You'd leave it in, but maybe not this long. Yeah, it's a long. I think this song could use one of those. Ticket! Sorry, I got...

Okay, I think I eventually stopped. It's not in Paradise all the time. Ticket. Ticket. Ticket. I like how Hard Ticket, Hard Ticket to Hawaii is a great title because I don't know what Hard Ticket is but, ticket. I like his hard ticket. Hard ticket to Hawaii is a great title, because I don't know what a hard ticket is, but it sounds like this is probably what people called like something tough like a hundred years ago, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he might've made it up.

And also this theme song, it's like, went a very different direction. This is a very happy theme song. Yeah. The words are about like the grime of Hawaii and how there's crime and violence, but you wouldn't know from the melody. Or any of the movie, really. Right.

As thoroughly timestamped as that song is, it just gets me thinking it is so weird that like the height of an empire, like this is what it sounds like. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. That is bonkers. Like we have our like Hollywood, you know, we have like that late motif for different empires. Like you have the room Hollywood's, you know, we have like that late motif for different empires. Like you have the room like, da da da da, whatever kind of thing. 60 years from now, you know, Beijing's hottest director is like adapting old fucking Scorsese films. It's all going to fucking sound like that.

This is a wealthy man with with unlimited means. I guess he was fairly rich. Yeah, sure. I don't want to alarm anybody. But we're like a half hour into this podcast and we just finished the theme song. And I want I want this podcast to go on for the rest of my life. I'm not trying to rush anybody. You make a good point. We're going to be here a very long time.

So we got to Mr. Chang, who's out on a a boat and you picture what you think Mr. Chang looks like. No, you're wrong. It's an old British man. I don't know what happened. Maybe Mark, do you know? You have his coffee table book. I do have his coffee table book.

There was no explanation for this. Although they drop an explanation at the very, very end of the movie when they go up to his penthouse to murder him. There's some 80-yard exposition where they talk about how his mother was Chinese and his father was British. It's like barely mentioned before they throw him out a window. Spoiler alert. He took the mother's name. Yes, apparently. Unless I got that backwards, I don't know. Yeah, they go through a whole, like always from Hong Kong and yeah, international. Yeah, but he's just a white guy. Let's be real.

He's like from the wrong era. He's like an old British guy who's like, oh, very well. Like he feels like he should be running an African safari or something. He just feels like 120 years out of date. Three movies, two movies later, he may do or die with Pat Morita. So why didn't he just get Pat Morita to play Dr. Chang?

If the guy had to be called Dr. Chang. Yeah, because of course, Pat Morita, famously Chinese. I'm just, you know, that's how that era worked. Yeah, no, I would get it. We're drawing random cards for Mr. Chang here. We might as well just get like Mr. T at this point, swing for home. Oh, now you're talking. I'm this Chang sucker.

Though then like the last fight would be like 10 minutes long, so like. Yes. Yeah. That's what it could use. So he's got, Mr. Chang has an awesome remote control helicopter, cause that's what the director likes.

Every single Andy Sedaris movie has at least one remote control vehicle that does something. Usually it blows somebody up. In this case, not. In this case, it's smuggling in contraband. And they give a lot of lip service to why they're doing this. Even though, go ahead and smuggle whatever you're smuggling.

I get this. This is a cool little thing you're doing. It lands and no lip service is paid to how the fuck he can land this without a line of sight. Also, it happens to land right near Donna and Taryn. Yes. They talk to each other as though they've never seen a helicopter in their lives. Right. What is that thing?

It could have been a flying saucer, the way they treated it. A four-year-old would say, wow, cool remote control helicopter. Yeah, it's 1987, it's not the fucking Dawn of Man. Yeah, they were like describing it like cavemen would describe it to each other as it's landing. That was a good point about the exploding thing, by the way, because I was so hard coded to think like,

oh, this thing is a grenade. Yeah. Most of the time it is. As they drew closer, I thought, oh, are we doing like a fake out hero thing here? Which the movie does do that, but not to these two. And I kind of appreciate that about it. Yeah. Yeah. OK, so the babes see the remote control helicopter and they're like,

oh, let's go investigate this. And then they take out the contraband because the bad guys are just a little bit late showing up on their recreational vehicles. The guy on the quad looks like he's trying to hold in his shit the entire time. It looks like he's so barely in control of the vehicle. I thought he was just overacting. But yeah, you're right. There's probably an intestinal issue. But they shoot at the ladies and they miss

and the ladies are like fucking spring into action and they just throw like debris at them. I don't even know what they throw. There were ninja stars in there. Yeah, Donapole's a ninja star. Okay, fuck yeah. Which he then retrieves from his body before running away. And then they steal their nunchucks, but not their guns.

If I'm understanding it correctly. And they panic. They're like, shit, we knocked these guys down. We got to get the fuck out of here. They get back on their plane and leave. I actually have what the villains say as they're leaving. Easy. Don't let him get away. Don't let him get away. Damn it, there they go. We gotta get the stuff out of the chopper, man. Oh, man, it's gone. You took the boxes.

Damn. Damn. What are we gonna do? I dread facing Seth empty-handed. Yeah. Something you guys will notice about all exposition is that this could easily be a radio play. Yep. Or a high school play.

Or a high school play. Everything is declared out loud two times in case you miss it because someone is full frontal or exploding the entire time. Right. I think as we're about to prove this, this could also be a four hour podcast. I think I'm really looking forward to adapting. Yeah. I don't even know where I am on my notes.

I'm having a great time. So, so they just took off, where are we? Oh, the girls get the snake. having a great time. They so so they just took off. Where are we? Oh, the girls get the snake. And I have in my notes that they pull out like a little children's book about snakes that not like hey, this snake, you got to do this and this it's like, this is a fucking children's book where it says like snakes on the front and it like describes the basic concept of snakes. And they're reading it like they're star travelers. They're like, that's what came from the local library. Snakes eat food for snakes. They are made of snake. And meanwhile, they keep cutting through the snake, and it's just this like, Ichor dripping hand puppet covered in like, cankers.

It's amazing. Yeah, this thing just like, escaped from labyrinth, and it's just stalking this island of danger. It's a nightmare. I, at this point, paused the movie to look up some other actors in the movie, and I found one named Patti Dufek. She was described on IMDB as lovely, busty, and shapely brunette. Stunner Patti Dufek was born on August 27th, 1963 in Woodland Hills, Los Angeles, California.

Andy Sedaris totally wrote these. Yeah. Oh, look, I have another one. Cynthia Brimhall. Gorgeously voluptuous, buxom, and shapely knockout. Cynthia Brimhall was born on March 10th, 1964 in Ogden, Utah. So a lot of variation in the cast. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to peg those descriptions to like a specific Playboy model in this. Yeah. Those two it's impossible. Cynthia Brimhall is uh, Edie.

Oh, okay. And the other one, I don't remember who she is. I think she must've just been like a bit role. I think she was Patty Cakes. Is that the one that's in the locker room? I don't know. My notes have like, they're identified by their hair usually. I think that's why Donna and Taryn say their names so often

because they both have blonde hair. They're like, otherwise we'd never know which. Get confused. So we also meet Andy Sedaris. He put himself in the movie. He frequently does. Let me just play a clip here. Charlotte, Charlotte, thank goodness you've decided to come.

Charlotte, I'm not just some fast talking New York television director. I care for you a great deal. Trust me, Charlotte. You practically raped me last night. That was last night, Charlotte. This is today. I care for you, Charlotte. I care for your mind. I don't care about your body anymore. I'm not into that. May I help you? So he's looking at tits here. I'll have a pair of coffee.

Just let that hang. Just like pause for laughter. So this is pretty bold to put yourself in your own movie and you'd be like, hi, I play a rapist named Whitey. Yeah. You're like, yeah. Wow. Really on the nose. For a movie as horny enough as this, it's really great to see what it's like picture of a pervert is.

Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. The way he paints himself into that role is, I don't know. It didn't age well, that's for sure. And then there's the restaurant host who can't go 45 seconds without just a full-on lawsuit. Yeah, he's a... Like literally the worst character that's ever existed. Any other movie that guy would be torn apart at the end just to satisfy audiences.

Yeah, because they would be so gratifying to see. I thought he was going to turn out to be, I don't know, like a dealer of double cocaine to children or something the way they were. Yeah, you expected a heel turn at some point, but no, he's just an asshole. He's everybody's best friend. Yeah, who somehow gets to keep his job despite being a horny lech. We also meet Seth, who is played by Rodrigo Albregon. They break the bad news to him that his diamonds are missing. And remember earlier, he's like, I hate to.

I dread facing Seth empty handed. So the consequences of that are Seth is like, oh shit, you lost all of our priceless diamonds that we smuggled in. If, and he says to them, if brains were bird shit, you'd have a clean cage. And then they go, like, that's it. Those are the consequences of disappointing Seth. Not a big deal at all. And you know, that's like,

I feel like this section of the movie is just all the jokes Andy Sedaris heard in the last year that he could fit in the script. Yeah, he like will see a t-shirt and be like, oh, that's good. I'll have one of my gunfighters say that next explosion. He is a Jersey boardwalk connoisseur. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

That gives us perfectly preserved museum of all of these lines. The oral sex one is stuck in my head forever. Yeah. Oh God. I may have taken a oral sex one is stuck in my head forever. Yeah. Oh God. I may have taken a clip of one of those. Oh man. There's a, the ladies now discover they have diamonds.

They're in a hot tub. They're just having a topless hot tub. Is where you would want to open the contraband to make sure you didn't lose any. Is inside of the hot tub. I was gonna say, this was more distracting than the naked ladies, cause they're like wrestling over these diamonds.

I'm like, you're gonna drop the diamonds, it's gonna be lost forever, it's gonna be stuck in a hot tub filter. It's like a, gonna drop like $15,000 in a hot tub filter. There had been enough physical comedy up to this point, where I was like, legitimately wondering, like, are we gonna do like a dude, where's my car like diamonds down the drain thing here? Like, is this like...

Yeah, yeah. Because like, yeah, why else? I mean, well, the reason why is because at this point, the tit tally is now four. Oh, good. Thank you for pointing that out. And that's a lot for this era. Like, yeah, as a this was like, God, what was I like 11 years old when this movie came out. So that would have been a time when finding a movie with tits and it would have

been a real special occasion. And if I got two tits in a movie, I'd be like, that's a fantastic 10 out of 10 film. So, Andy Sedaris. He delivers. Like understands the 1987 11 year old. Yes, 100%. Before I knew who Andy Sedaris was, I knew who he was because my parents had Cinemax. Right. And this is a jackpot Cinemax movie because those are the movies I'm talking about.

You'd watch Cinemax and it would say, brief nudity in the credits. And you're like, oh, hell yes. You just do that fist pump at a museum. You'd see like a side boob and a strip bar B roll. And you're like, all right, I guess that was it. God damn it. I remember thinking when they come out with the first Safari kind of costume, just thinking you will never see this top in a movie again, right?

Because we'll totally go more revealing everything, but we will never pretend that this one thing is like a functional choice. It's the most amazing outfit ever. It's like a like a khaki button up top that's mostly open, rolled up khaki shorts, and then cowboy boots and nunchucks. It's like more naked than naked. Like if she just walked out butt naked, you'd be like, okay, you don't have clothes on, but like I say this sometimes, that there's some outfits you can wear that's just like more distractingly naked

than just regular like human body. Yeah, it's like an Aeon Flux like skin suit kind of thing. Right. In real life. Totally. Let's see, so this is where we see Andy's other movie posters on the wall where they talk about it.

I just could not believe they get pointed out. It's which but also that they could stars their friend like the movie within the movie stars, the friend from the lesson. It's just like my fucking mind. It can't take these layers. I need to do this. He's the the guy who was in Malibu Express is the cousin of someone else. For some reason, they mention offhand in the movie.

Why not? They're trying to like a world building thing, I guess. Booth Express is the cousin of someone else for some reason, they mention offhand in the movie. Why not? Oh yeah, they're trying to do like a world building thing, I guess. Yeah, there's a cinematic universe. Unified cinematic, Andy Cideres universe. The bad guys cut their cable line, not their phone line. They cut their coax cable. There's a guy with pantyhose on his head.

He comes in and grabs Donna. And this, the whole time, this guy looks like he wants to die. The actor kind of has sort of a James Dean like face, so his like eyebrows are always turned up. And something about pantyhose, put over a face like that, he just looks like he's suffering every second. Wait, smashing his nose down, and he can't talk totally clearly,

like it gives him kind of a weird mumbly lisp. And yeah, he really looks like he hated doing that scene. He also just has this look of like, like you ever look at someone and you're just like, you must be an asshole. Like you've never talked to him or anything. This guy looks like an asshole. Exactly, a perfect asshole.

He has a funny way of holding a knife too. He has to threaten people with knives several times in the movie, but he holds it up like directly vertical. Like he's just sort of showing someone his cool knife. I don't know, it's already a knife. It shouldn't but he somehow makes it less menacing with his his body like anyway I have his threat. I am so happy you recorded this line because this is like the weirdest threat I've ever heard. It makes me so happy.

She's got the diamond! One box. If you want to live you better come up with the other box now You wish you were dead And he just looks like he's fucking dying like he looks like looks like he's like, and he should have should have got 40 seconds of air. I can only imagine one of two extremes of this dude, like either he has never touched or thought about a camera before he got the favor of being in this movie, Or he was like a lifelong like sort of head of his ass kind of thespian guy like, I'm above this proletarian trash. I would believe both. I would Yeah, either actually seems plausible, but he's just out of his element. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no idea what's going on. He had a pretty extensive IMDb career, like he was in all the Andy Sedaris movies,

and then he had like some other small roles and things. So he was like a working actor for a while. Well, which is weird. I mean, he's an attractive guy. He's an attractive guy. Yeah, like I say, he kind of has a James Dean look, like if James Dean had like a shitty cousin. You're like, okay. But yeah, but you would be like, oh, that's James Dean's shitty cousin. Sure. At some point during that ruckus where they broke in the house,

they knocked over the snake crate. Right. And that like is Rodrigo's weakness. He sees the snake and he's like, what the fuck, what the fuck, a snake? And he starts shooting at it. Freaks out. And he is like fucked up for a while. And he's like just paralyzed.

He saw a snake and he's like, and so the girls run out and shoot him in the face while he's paralyzed in snake fear. It is the earliest defanging I have seen So the girls run out and shoot him in the face while he's paralyzed in snake fear. It is the earliest defanging I have seen of a movie villain. Yep, they just cut his nuts right off. And it's a really good stunt because like, he throws himself back into the car door in a really like believable way.

Like in a way where I was like, man, that looked like that hurt. Like he really had to sell that in, I was impressed. Probably wasn't on purpose. He probably just hadn't tried that before. Uh, uh, uh, so we find out now that the snake is not radiated

or filled with disease. What it has, and I quote, it has deadly toxins from cancer infested rats. So they, so some, he just got into a lab and ate a bunch of infected rats. And that's what's contaminated the snake. Which, I mean, I don't think you have to be a genius to know that that's not like how cancer spreads.

If it was a comic book, you'd be like, this snake is contaminated. Absolutely. I remember hearing that line and thinking of all the times for like no one to be naked, like to try to sneak one by. This is the tidbit you've dropped. Fully clothed, nothing exploding. Yeah, just close up on a crusty old guy talking about a cancer full snake. Yeah.

Okay, great. So let's see, the maître d' offers the ladies seat on his face, that's a real thing. See, this is kind of where I know that Andy Sedaris can't fuck, because this is written by someone who thinks the farthest you can get with a woman is when they politely tolerate your harassment.

Like Andy Sedaris has never met a woman and said a thing to the woman, and she's like, oh, I'm interested in hearing more that you have to say. He talks like a 1960s like construction worker. And that really shows in the script that, oh, this is how guys and ladies talk. Hey, touch, show me your tits. And then she doesn't say anything because she loves it.

And then you go on with the rest of your day. That's how men and women interact. Then you know, you get this envelope from a lawyer, you throw the envelope, but it works itself out. Yeah, it's definitely, there's a real pre-Me Too moment in cinema. Would it have stopped this man? Would he have stopped once people started getting in trouble? I think he goes through his sexual harassment vile hell. I have thought for a long time about like, could an anti-Sidaris exist today?

And I don't think so, for like a lot of reasons that I won't get into. I think he could, but like, this type of, I think would be taken out of the movie. But also, I think Annie said there's the kind of guy who would have leaned into it. But like, oh, you can't cancel me. This is what people want. And then his movies would have been like explicitly like right wing Nazi propaganda. Oh, boy. Yeah, totally. To sucker to punch. Yeah.

Could I? Yeah, I have one quote. I want to sucker to punch. I've, two punch. Yeah. Could I, I have one quote I wanna- Two sucker, two punch. I've got one dumbass quote I wanted to, and by dumbass I mean, I'm mentally bi for Kato. You get my attitude. You go down on her, you'll be kissing the back of my head. Pause.

You already get the joke. You understand the full content of the joke. Because I'm already gonna be there. Well, here, I have the clip. We can hear that there. Because I'm already gonna be there. Well here, I have the clip. We can hear that there's a follow-up to that follow-up. I believe you met these two, and the beautiful young lady that brought them here tonight. Okay, okay guy. Hey white, you go down on her, you're gonna be kissing the back of my head, cause I'm

already gonna be there. Really? I think you know when I'm here, really. I'll give you all the sports segments you can handle. Taryn. Okay. Hi Whitey. Hey baby.

Why? That's the thing I mentioned earlier. I just left it in there to show that it just goes from one to another. Every joke just kind of limps out the door. Yep. Letcherous thing. So what do we got here? They're being watched by the bartender with a suspicious amount of makeup.

And then we meet one of our other other hunks and he's a weird vitamin guy so he's like listing basically the labels on you'd find on vitamins. And was that a joke? It has to be because it ends with like... It goes on for several minutes. Yeah it'll get you that green yellow urine that will earn you the respect in every restroom in the world. Like it has to be, you must think that's funny. But it's so weird. It felt like he was going for his real footage for the movie from this monologue. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Sure. Yeah. He's like, Andy, you got to give me a scene where I can just really chain together a lot of interesting facts, really act it up. One of my favorite low-key moments in the movie is the response to this. There's a white guy and a Hawaiian guy, and the white guy says, to this, he says, man, I sure love soul food. And then he takes a little scoop of a milkshake and then the Hawaiian goes, right on, bro.

This is not a soul food restaurant. Neither of them are holding soul food. No one's discussing soul food. I love it so much. It's so fucking weird. This part of the movie feels like, like you could have shaved 20 minutes out of this movie by just not shooting almost all the shots inside of E.D.'s.

But it also spawns a couple of the weird subplots that wind up winding their way through the movie that you don't notice the first six times you watch it, so maybe it's important to Andy. Yeah, there's like this whole sexual harassment cheers thing that's going on here. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good way to describe this bar. And it's funny you mentioned like the plot here, because this is when I wrote down that like the babes call the hunks back home. And it's like they aggressively do not advance the plot. In fact, they kind of slow things down by recapping some things. And I'm like, what are you? What is this

movie doing? Yeah, it's like when everyone has their shirts on, you realize like, this is a real thin plot. Yeah. Yeah. Like there's definitely like times where he went too far between either someone exploding or people being nude. And that was a mistake. So, okay. The other hunks, they now come to Hawaii, I guess to fight the diamond smugglers, not the snake. The snake is just like this bonus hard ticket.

This is what I mean. It's the McGuffin and the main bad guy. Yes, they drive up and they there's a guy doing a handstand on a skateboard. And they go, man, he must be smoking some heavy doobies, which is like that's that's good drug talk. That's how drug talk works. And it turns out he's a bad guy. It's gonna sound like if you haven't seen this movie, it's gonna sound like I'm making this up. But they pull up in a little

Subaru that has had the back sawed off and replaced with a little tiny truck bed. There's a sex doll in the passenger seat. These are both the bad guys who had to report to Seth that they got away with the diamonds, by the way. Yes, yes. God, what happens? They drive by and they shoot our good guys.

So he, I thought a lot about this scene over the years. So they're driving in the Jeep through this like wildlife preserve for some reason. The guy goes past them on a skateboard doing a handstand, like, whoa, that guy's crazy. He gets in the back of that weird little Subaru thing with the sex doll. They drive past the Jeep again.

They watch them drive past. Yes. They go apparently out of sight over the hill. He gets back out with the skateboard, the sex doll and a gun. Yes. Now he is skateboarding back towards the Jeep. The entire time I've seen this scene, I've got weird associations. One, it's like a whole freestyle skater thing to be like doing the skateboard handstand thing,

right? If you want to like, I don't know, tear your palms open on grip tape or whatever. Yeah. And because I'm also a moron, I really associate that maneuver with Steve-O Okay, and just various grievous bodily injury videos over the years Yeah, and he pulls out a sex doll, which is pretty much the second most Steve-O thing in my head. Mm-hmm Sure, now this is a crossover special. That's a fascinating peek behind the curtain Yeah, it's a jackass spin-. And then he dies screaming and exploding. So I'm like, three for three, three for three.

This has been a Steve-O guest spot. And the death is really worth dwelling on because so he shoots at the Jeep, he hits, I don't remember his name, Jade. The guy who actually has his shirt open. They grab a rocket launcher out of a trunk in the back of the Jeep. They back into the guy as he's doing like a 720 on a skateboard. Knocks him into the air. They shoot him with a rocket launcher. He explodes.

He turns. The sex doll is falling out of the air. He shoots that with the rocket launcher and it explodes. And it is one of the coolest things you can't argue with. Yes, it is. Cannot like it. It is a thing you can never unsee once you've seen it. It comes from a place of childlike idiocy that.

Yeah. I think a lot of adults can't access. Yeah, it's a special thing that he can bring up like like you and I would not spend tens of thousands of dollars of someone else's money to put that on film. The fuck we wouldn't. The fuck we wouldn't. I'm just gonna be real with you.

I would see that written down and I'm like, there's no way we're actually gonna shoot this. I would call that a lifetime goal of mine. I think I would brag about it forever. I wouldn't do it this casually 40 minutes into the movie and sort of forget it happens. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't be able to like let it lie like that. Like I would be so proud of how silly I was being. But Annie Sedaris just like, okay yeah, fucking end of scene. Cut. Yeah, great. You blew up the sex doll. If I ever

came up with that it would have to be... Oh god, what's that? It's that black dynamite scene. Sean maybe could do the voice actually. Like I threw that shit from before I walked into the room or whatever. Yes, God, what's that? It's a black dynamite change. Sean, maybe you can do the voice, actually. Like, I threw that shit from before I walked into the room or whatever. Yes, I'd love to do the black dynamite voice. I don't appreciate it. That might be a problem. I know it's a trap. I see your trap, Danar.

I will not step in it. All right. So, yeah, maybe no Michael Jai Jai White for that corner today. But I would I but I would be willing to stake parts of my life. I do deny, if I'm being honest, I do say I threw that shit before I came in the room all the time. It is like that kind of level of like nuttery in my head. The honeymooners are out there, the ones they dropped off to go camping,

they're taking sexy Polaroids. They're like, oh, hey, you look great, honey. Snake attack, just like out of nowhere, the contaminated snake like kills them both. And when we see them later, holy shit, are they dead? Yeah, like they get, like the snake ate them and shit them out. Like they have been-

It's like, again, actually disgusting in a way Andy Sedaris movies usually aren't like he Yeah, took a bunch of like gross shit and piled it up and put a bikini on it and let crabs walk all over It's horrific. It's so bad. It's got this crazy grind house quality to it When like these two bikini models in pretty much their bikini uniform like they are in their work clothes from real life right come across these two corpses and the tone of movie breaks for a second because they... It's actually horrible. Yeah, this is like almost looks like a faces of death shot. It's like disgust. Anyway, we're jumping in.

It's also kind of funny because this is beyond their acting abilities. So it's sort of hits that other tone of like, oh, this is a bad movie. Whereas the rest of the movie is kind of an awesome movie. Whenever Donna Spear gets really worked up, she like, her voice cracks in this kind of like, oh, this is a bad movie. Whereas the rest of the movie is kind of an awesome movie. Whenever Donna Spear gets really worked up, she like, her voice cracks in this kind of like, smoker voice way that I find really like, fun and appealing, but also it's exactly that. It's just like, oh, you've like broken your range. Right, it's out of her speaking range.

The script is out of her vocal range. Yeah. Ponytail Hunk is now coming out of the doctor, and I have this in my notes because he has a patch on his heart. He was shot directly in the fucking human heart, and he's just... He's just fine. It's not a big deal.

Not a big deal. He is just not worried about the events of this movie. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. No concern. There's a redhead agent now. Oh, that's Edie, right? Yeah. Yes. That's Cynthia Brimel.

By the way, when she changes and my wife pointed this out, I would like to say, not me. I didn't notice it. But when she puts her pants on, she gives herself the gnarliest camel toe I've ever seen in my entire life. You were distracted by the nunchucks. You forgot to look at the human genitals. My wife literally gasped and we had to like back the disc up and look at it again.

I guess like she added that to her stunt reel and then she got the lead in guns. So now the bartender from earlier with a suspicious amount of makeup goes into the locker room and a woman comes up to her and she's like in her underpants only, talking about her tits, so you gotta do workouts to get your tits great. And this goes on for like 40 seconds of her

giving her like titty tips, titty workout tips. By the way, this brings the tallied to seven. I've been forgetting to mention. Okay, excellent. So we're coming in on the end of the boobs. Yeah, she goes into this like boob monologue as if there's like a bench press count that could do what science has clearly done for this woman.

Like I don't know. Like a thigh master for your breasts. Yeah. This person did not ask for titty tips. And it's sort of a preloaded joke because as soon as she leaves, she rips off her wig and starts peeling off the makeup. And this is just a random middle-aged man.

But this is 1987, so this is a sinister twist, not like someone living their truth, whatever you want to call it. That's the joke, is that she was talking about titty fitness tips to someone with no titties. Ha ha. They were very excited for that one. I think it's one of the only times I ever let myself get tripped up on plot because I was trying to figure out what like,

what this cover, he also already has a plant in the bar. So I don't even know what. Yes, that's a good point. There's really no reason to have gone undercover as a woman. In fact, it's kind of a hassle because when he takes off all his makeup and he runs out and he gets in the van and then they run off, they're chasing the babe.

So all this cold cream, all this wiping of the makeup off was like holding him up to the pursuit. Like they're trying to get this woman that left. It's like five extra minutes to like, yeah, get changed. Run back there, change identities completely, undo all that. I don't think it was worth like the 90 minutes of his morning routine to do this. He should have just committed to like the Bangkok knockout kind of gimmick

and just done all the action scenes. Yes. Yeah, actually. Well, I mean, when you're doing an abduction, you do not want to be wearing a disguise, right? Like you want to you're going to you're going to be your normal. Like what what it looks like on your photo identification. So, again, probably would have been a better idea to leave the makeup on if you're going to go abduct someone, not just for speed, but just for disguise purposes.

For disguise, for the trial, you know. So, Mere Sunglasses guy, we see shades, he's tossing the Frisbee around with his Uzi, and you can tell he just fucking loves Frisbee. Like, every opportunity he can, he turns it into a super sweet catch. And I can kind of relate to this because when I was a kid, I also loved Frisbee and Oozeez. So as far as I'm concerned, he's the movie's hero. And people keep talking about it. They call it like throwing.

He's a thrower. These people take their throwing seriously. I do have a clip of that because that was real like duets to me, which is a movie, a Paul Giamatti movie with an Andre Brauer, Huey Lewis. It's an all-star cast where they talk about karaoke, but they make an entire new language based on karaoke. And that's what happened here, just about frisky for just 20 seconds.

OK, yeah. Jamie, cut the 45 minutes I talked about duets. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Thank you. Thanks, Jamie. We got to keep this shit tight today. about duets. Thanks, Jamie. We got to keep this shit tight today.

So they were staking out Seth. Yes, because shades is outside of Seth's. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then they just go to the sumo zone. And I am once again kind of just in the movie's flow. They see Edie having been kidnapped while staking it out. Right. OK. I actually forgot about that part, yes. And Edie recognizes the guy

because he lives as a woman in her friend's bar. She's like, something about that dude is familiar. Yeah, then they stop at the sumo house and there's just a training pit. They're like, we gotta use the phone of this normal house. And it's not a normal house, it's a sumo training camp. And then Taryn's like, I know foreign languages. So she goes in and speaks very bad Spanish about how they need to use the phone. I gotta admit, it's not funny. Yeah, but it is like extremely cute. And I don't know why. Like her

reaction at the end when they just stare at her is like adorable. Yeah, it is adorable. And they really make a meal out of it. I think like, the dedication to it is what makes it work. Yeah, it's kind of crazy that they just bothered to play the whole joke out in slow motion. It's like this thing they know you have heard. Yep. Yeah. It's like, as soon as she says like,

I know Japanese, I can see ahead in time. Like I've grown this superpower for this one scene. Yeah, there are a couple of directions she could have got the wrong Asian country. And that, but that'd be like racist, not funny. But then Spanish is like, okay, that's cartoonishly stupid. Still not funny. But like, so anyway, I think they made the right choice. It's like, yeah, you've ended up in more like the sort of like Tasmanian devil zone with them. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I speak your language, sumo wrestlers.

Oh, man. So Donna figured out the guy was the girl from the bar because of the cigarette in his left hand and his pinky ring. That's her quote. She spotted that during a kidnapping at 400 yards, which is fucking solid detective work. Using a Sony handycam. It's like a telescope. The yellow video camera, which every of that. It gives me... The sickest video camera that has ever existed. Yeah.

It is so cool. I just kind of draw a life force from the shot. She looks so seriously into it. Yep. And we still have to deal with the snake, so they run into the dead bodies and there's a Polaroid camera in the dead body's hand and they like get the picture out and they like shake it and develop it, shake it, develop it. And you're like, it's going to be the snake.

And then sure enough, sure enough, it's a beautiful little portrait of the snake. And I'm like, this fucking movie is the best. This fucking movie is the best. It's not like lunging at the camera like here's POV of a guy being killed. It's like the snake school picture. Yeah, it's a third grade class picture. Oh, yeah. It's got the little Catholic school tie and the little fuzzy blue vest. He's all dressed up. Oh, he looks so fancy. It's like fucking Kurt Hiss's childhood photos.

It's kind of wonderful. And then there's another moment I like where one of the secret agents works as like a sportscaster and he's like, I'm here with some football fellows. And he's like, hey, during that one play and then he just reads off like a fucking encyclopedia entry on what football plays are. Like some real, I've never fucking heard of football playing writing. The football players respond with just some real racial black coded language written by Andy Sedaris, who I remind you is literally playing a character named Whitey. So Whitey wrote this scene, which includes the N-word.

I don't know. I guess I have no rhetorical authority to make fun of this. But isn't that the fun, like, playing the roulette with modernity? Like, oh, let's find advice of like a... Yeah. Still have like an existence tomorrow after I say this. Roulette with modernity is a really great way to put it. It's kind of a bunker scene. It's almost like if you visit, I got really tied up on the football, too,

because so much of this movie is inside baseball. I get the feeling just the random skateboard shots that he included, that either he or the performer even sort of gave a shit about that. He was just coming to the football joke completely blind because he is his vision for this was it niggas go intercept them thing. Yeah, is so locked into his head, which is that even the stereotype? I feel like the running back thing is like this. I think it was like, I'm going to throw it to you and then white people, you keep them from it was like a real basic idea of football. Like I'm going to throw it to the black people and the white people keep the defensive line from tackling me.

As he went through it, I kept on expecting like some of him to say something like Grand Slam or field goal or there's like other sports like right into this thing like but here's what's wild about it. This man produced Super Bowls. He like that's made a documentary about football apparently at some point. Interviews it. So he like, these must have been, I think these were real football players because he definitely had inroads into that world. That's where he made a lot of his money. It's weird that it came off that inept. It was a real failure because obviously what he wanted here was the sportscaster speaks very academically about football. Like, yes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He didn't know how to write that, so he didn't. It was just babbling word soup. Yeah. And then the other person was supposed to have just a real basic understanding. Despite being the player, he's going to have a real basic understanding, blah, blah, blah. He just, it was beyond his means. Yeah, it's like he's trying to pull like a beast mode joke from the future. Yeah.

Yeah. And yet this little cul-de-sac of a moment, we spent like 10 minutes thinking about it. Yeah, and it reminds me a lot of duets. You know, I thought you had some interesting points in like the second, like the third half hour on duets. I agree. I think we've got to cut all that.

Jamie, again, just we've got to cut all the duet stuff. The sports guest was like, oh, hey, we're gonna cut all this like racist, like football talk and we'll have you talk to a lady tennis player. And he's like, ah, and I quote, she's so dumb, she went home early to study for the pep test.

And that's just like shit that gets woven into the dialogue. Like these terrible misogynistic joke books like Andy Sedaris got from Easy Writers magazine or wherever the fuck. I need to find this warehouse of T-shirts that he is drawing from like the fucking Rosetta Stone. Yeah. Carly said there's no way this man actually knows what a patch. Is there a thing because fucking Vince Russo is on this?

Is there just a thing against a particular female like tennis player at this point? Yeah, there must have been. He has some weird internal vendetta he had on it, yeah. Is there an incident that I, is this like a Janet Jackson Super Bowl thing where we just all joked about it for five years and everyone pretended no one said anything? I might be off by like a full decade, but there was that like male versus female tennis match that was pretty famous. I feel like. Oh, OK, that could be that. I feel like if you're like an insecure guy, that would that would have been.

Right. Yeah. That's just in your psyche. He lost it for all of us. Now we have to kill ourselves, guys. We get information out the snake is going to die in 36 hours. So I guess that's going to wrap itself up. Probably done talk about the snake now that That probably won't come back up. Yeah, don't worry about it. Edie's now in the evil base, which is probably Andy's vacation home. She's tied up to like one rope like on a pulley. It's weird. The James Dean guy comes in and shows

her his little knife cutely. And the back of the good guy gets based there. They're making plans to rescue her. But first, they have a cocktail, they're just sharing some drinks. There's a table covered in guns and, I counted, five pairs of nuns. So awesome. Of a variety of colors. Look, obviously the plan was that at least two of them had to Michelangelo it at some point. Yep. Yeah, I guess so, at least. And then they had a backup pair, like a drummer keeps next to his kid, you know, and he drops a stick.

The most fucking blue ball nunchuck movie. Like, there's not a single nunchuck fight. The only time anyone ever uses them, they're holding both of them and just hitting them with like... Just kind of bonking like, just pick up a rock. You fucking don't even know how to use nunchucks. It's 1987. How do you not know how to use nunchucks? Fucking.

Yeah, I think they like take your like citizenship if you can't like at least do like the basically under the shoulder thing, you know? Just one behind the back. Like you don't have to keep doing it. Yeah, the bad guy base, they're preparing for battle too. There's a buff babe who's just posing with nunchucks. Not like working the nunchucks,

just like holding them up while she like makes sexy poses. This is, see the good guys, they're getting drunk. One guy has a bullet hole in his heart and the bad guys are ready for anything. Fucking Ninja Turtles. She's learning the blade. She's learning the blade, they're prepared. I mistook this movie for a different one.

I was like, oh, she was an American gladiator. No, that's Day of the Warrior. No, it was a different movie. Yeah, Day of the Warrior. But he did have gladiators on it. You know my copy of Day of the Warrior's autograph? You had to know that, right? No.

There was a local wrestling show where Buff Bagel was here, and I got in line behind like, I don't know, like 15 little kids getting their WCW action figure signed, and I just hand over a VHS copy of Day of the Warrior, and he just looks at it, and he just goes, oh, wow. That's incredible. That's a powerful artifact.

Yeah, fuck yeah. Magic. It radiates magic. That would get like open gates. That entire, it's like a bikini show bodybuilding routine she's basically doing up there. It's so good. She's all oiled up and yeah, it's cool. I guess she was a bodybuilder though. And again, this is spoilers. She does not get in a fight later.

She does not use the nunchucks later. She is gone from this movie in a way that I found extremely frustrating. There was no payoff for her being huge or good with nunchucks. Yes. I felt a little disappointed on the behalf of, like, 12-year-old me who would have seen, like, sexy Shao Kahn, and that would have really just have dug its way into my personality in uncomfortable ways for at least, like, 10 years.

Yeah. This... It would have informed the direction of your sexuality. Yeah, like, I would have... More than you care to admit. My entire dating history would just be attempts to, like, gravitate towards this point. Like, on the third or fourth date, you're like, tonight maybe let's do something special, like maybe hold these nunchucks.

You uh, you like creatine? Yeah, everybody's got some kinks. I wouldn't say my kinks weird, but I just need you to hold these nunchucks. So the good guys are there watching like secret footage of shades playing frisbee. This is great. This is good recon. But one of them says, good. I can use that as fucking hell yes. He's playing frisbee. And you're like, fuck, that's all I need to kill a man. I'll turn it I'll turn it against him. His one passion. So good. So now the good guys again, they're hatching their breakout scheme. Yes, I have a clip of some more lovemaking, some more sweet talk. I don't want to control your life. All I want to do is suck the polish right off your toes. Notice she's not saying anything back.

Still nothing. Still nothing. And nothing. That's what Andy Cicero thinks sex is. You say something horrible to a woman, and then she looks at you. There's two lines from this lovemaking scene that I love so much. So the first one, she's... They keep cutting back to the room with all the weapons where Taryn and Jade are hanging out. They're just hanging out. They have some weird joke about drinking vodka straight. That doesn't make any sense.

Donna Spears kneeling naked in front of him, sitting in a chair, and he is making these like horrible, loud moaning noises, but it's unclear what she could possibly be doing to him that he would be enjoying right now. It sounds like a beluga whale getting a hand job. Like I'm trying to... Yeah.

But she's just... That's really accurate. I mean, like, is she playing with his belly button? Like, I don't... I thought for sure... I've seen this movie before and I still thought for sure they're gonna, like, make her reveal that she's, like, popping his knee back into place or something. But no.

Yeah, yeah. She's really, like, doing something sexual to him. We just don't understand what it could be. Like, nobody's... Theoretically. Nobody's holes or hands are in the right spot to do anything you or I would know as sex. There's no receptacles.

Yeah. Yeah, there's no receptacles. So the thing she says that blows my mind is she goes, do you want to keep it down? And he goes, no, I like it like that. And her response is, I know that. I know that. I know that. Like, no, come on. Almost defensively. She talks about this.

And then after that, they, they, so then they kiss for a little bit and Carly described it as giraffes kissing, which I thought was really accurate. Like it was a lot of like prehensile lip stuff. Yeah. A lot of chin biting, a lot of xipphoid process kissing. Yeah, yeah. And then she says, So tell me, what do you feel? And he responds, One man's dream is another man's lunch. Oh yeah. So tell me, what do you feel?

One man's dream is another man's lunch. You son of a bitch. What is that? I think this is an oral sex joke, obviously, but that's one of the many sex acts they absolutely did not do. We watched them have sex. There was no oral sex involved. There was no... I don't know what that's a reference to. I mean, I really enjoyed learning how Martians fuck. I think that was a, that was educational experience. Yeah.

That makes sense. You're really tickling her zing lorp with that. Keep it down. You know I like my zing lorp tippled. I know that. I know that. I know that. We cut to Mr. Chang and he tells Seth to kill all the babe agents. But I just made the note that these are the people who use a boat that launches a helicopter to smuggle like a handful

of, a human handful of diamonds. And now they're like, fuck it, just blow up the entire island. We got to just fucking kill everybody. Main Hunk makes a razor blade frisbee which is the perfect weapon to take out shades because remember something about frisbee. So shades is every day he plays frisbee with this bikini babe and he like beckons the bikini babe over she's right on schedule and then here comes our hunk to join her and uh she's like yeah cool yeah come run with me and they show up and here's what the clip we were talking about earlier where they talk about, I'll just play the clip.

It's very strange. Hey Colleen, who's that turkey with you? He's just a thrower. Sorry buster, we ain't allowed here. Take off. Hey, lighten up, we're just throwing. Oh yeah? Let's see you throw one.

Just like that's how you talk around Frisbee. Yeah, yeah, these are real throwers, you can tell. So he throws it, they're like 15 feet apart. So he throws a Frisbee, and if you throw a Frisbee, it's hard to like do a good throw that close. So it gives him kind of a little gentle wobbly throw, but that's all Shades needs. He's like, oh, this guy's a fucking thrower. So he puts his Uzi down, he's like, it is time for Frisbee.

Dude, there's this b-boy Bushido thing over this whole scene that I was just sort of fascinated by. Yeah. It's like, I found another warrior I see. Yes. There's like a face-off element to it. I'm going to fucking do a sweet catch. Then I give you a real nice throw. It also told me I need to vary my diet from like, I don't know, the amount of martial arts movies and fucking anime trash and shit. I watch us for a second.

I really thought that he was going to like catch the fucking bladed frisbee is going to be back and forth like that for a second. Yeah. Oh, you expect something cool to happen. I mean, something cool. It is. They just jumped right to the punch line. And I was. Yeah, but they just got to the point. Yeah, so he does. He switches out the frisbee and he throws again. This guy has a gun.

Our good guy has a gun. The bad guy does not. The bad guy has, they've shown him, put it down. The good guy switches out the little tiny pink frisbee for like a, like a hundred and forty five gram nice frisbee, and then he throws it back and shades a super into he's like, cool, new frisbee. I don't care. And then he throws it back and then he switches that with a replica with the

razor blades in it and it goes directly into shades his neck so he missed the throw anyway fucking through his fingers yeah into his neck into his neck it is incredible again gorier than his movies usually are it's kind of gnarly looking he leaves him to bleed out too like he's like fucking die there alone. Oh yeah, he doesn't finish him off. He's just like, you're dead. It's merciless. Oh man, it's like a flying guillotine sequel

or some shit. Yes. Nice jumping. That's my favorite line from the movie. So yeah, this movie really is built around these brilliant moments. It's like 85 minutes of Tny filler around like five spectacular, like sex doll exploding shades, neck severing events.

That you'll never forget. And the worst part is, is like, I always have to describe this movie as like, it starts slow, which is crazy to say about this movie. But like, the highs are so high that you kind of look back and you're like, wow, I waded through a lot of stuff to get here. There's another great moment here too, cause Edie is in a tiny glider plane.

Donna. Donna. And she's just dropping hand grenades on nothing. She's just like, Like literally like behind the people he's who she supposedly on the same side as. She's just, she's too excited. But flying from this crazy contraption that they had actually foreshadowed in an earlier scene when a jeep pulled up, because no vehicle will go unridden in this movie. It's this like, you're in this like weird strappy, but it looks like something somebody built from a kit, which is like...

Yeah, it's like an astrolite attached to like a hang glider. Yeah, but it's got like a propeller in the back and she's flying this thing around and just dropping grenades from it. It's insane. I think that scene was the first time I was convinced they were really from the government. Because how else could that have been in a garage in like a DA building for 40 years. They are very confused by her taking it out, but they're just glad to get rid of the fucking thing. I think I said astroglide, but that's the,

I think the sex lube. I think that's called the Andes Sideris Freudian slip. Oh man. Close enough. Yeah. So what do we got? We got a gunfight, it's our boys versus the bartender. I think it's the bartender. And then I was like, in my notes,

say, no, this is some other middle-aged man. The bartender is there. Oh, right. So they do have just some other guy run out and just get murdered. Yeah. Ponytail hunk. After they kill the guy out front,

they're like, we got to go inside and clear the house. He takes the rocket launcher for this. Fucking great choice. Interior gunfight. I love it. I love it so much. And what he does, he takes the rocket launcher, he gets inside, he turns around,

and then he does this back waddle through the entire house, completely missing a guy in the middle of the room behind him who says, hey, freeze. In the middle of the fucking room. The best. It's such a funny gunfight punch line. The other hunk comes in, it just kicks him, kicks the bad guy and takes his gun. And then the ponytail hunk's like, okay, cool, thanks.

See you later. I'm going to settle this with karate. And then they have like a gentleman's karate fight. Fucking the best. And he says, the good guy says, life's a bitch and then you die. Which I think this one was a placeholder. I think that was like a line to be determined. I mean, that's, it's definitely something Andy read off of a teacher.

Ponytail hunk is like this world's philosopher. He just understands the rules of the place he's in. Yep, we don't. As people who've seen a million movies, we have no idea what any of these rules are. We have no context, but that man is right in his element. He knows. But this is it's like saying my drinking team has a bowling problem. I made my favorite thing for dinner. Reservations.

What what are you talking about? Life's a bitch and then you die. Like the T-shirts are starting to merge now. It's like one. Yeah, Taryn kills a guy outside with a machine gun and she's like really broken up about it. The acting choice she makes is like, oh my God, I just killed a man. And then she like looks around to see, is anyone here to share this emotional trauma with? And there's not like they all left the civilian to just kill men on

her own while they had this totally unnecessary 40 minute karate fight. So she's looking around for a friend. It's very sad. It's very weird. It is. She has like shoved that pain down to that place. I like every 80s bikini model has in her soul. Just seal it right away there before the next shoot. And she's good. Yeah, she's trained for this somehow.

Sports Illustrated and her father trained her for this moment. Oh, man. So the evil karate man knocks off ponytail hung speeds and now it's personal. So they decide they're going to pull weapons. It's no longer hand to hand fight. The bad guy pulls the knife. The good guy puts on his like palm tiger claws and,

and then he- Yeah, there's like ninja like hand grip things. They're so cool. I love those. And he like gets behind the guy and does a fucking double throat rip and he screams, and then you die! So it is a callback to the terrible line which I thought earlier was like,

this is just a placeholder, but no, he's like, I'm gonna pay that off. I'm not a sequitur. That's a planned payoff. So the main hunk shoots a bad guy right next to her with a bazooka. She's okay. This bazooka really creates very localized explosions. Yeah, it's really targeted. It's kind of like how shotguns are swords in video games, like the shotgun's a sword, the bazooka is a rifle. Yeah.

And grenades are just for fun. Like when she was throwing grenades outside, those didn't do anything to anybody. It's a good time. They're kind of like morale fireworks. That's just to let the neighbors know something's going on. Here's, we mentioned this earlier, he goes up to rescue this woman tied up and he says this. Wait a minute. This is sensational. Kinky sex.

I'm going to get the midgets and the women. This woman has been tied up for like over a day. Yep. Who knows if she's had anything to eat. She's been threatened with weapons. She might not, they might not have let her go to the bathroom. It is a weird time to tease your loved one. Very weird time.

I like her response to her. Like the entire time he's been murdering, people are thinking, I've got the best line to tell my girlfriend. Yep. Oh, yeah. For sure. He thought about that in the Jeep ride through the fence. Yeah. That's why you didn't have time to come up with the life's a bitch. And then you die.

That's that was like I normally I'd say something rad here, but I had this cool like midgets and lube thing I was gonna say to my traumatized kidnapped girlfriend. Donna is now left alone against the rest of the villains, but then everyone runs out to help her and the hunk gives her a rocket launcher and she blows up the bad guy helicopter and Taryn is fucking pumped for this.

She's now has a taste for human blood. She calls her death gnarly. She's like, fuck yeah, you got him. And that killed what? The bodybuilder with the nunchucks and the guy who looked like he was going to shit his pants while he was riding the quad. That's why the bodybuilder of the nunchucks never shows up. That's such a bummer.

Yeah, you never see her again because I think she died in that helicopter. Oh, fucking ATVs. So the two main bad guys are still at large, right? Seth and Mr. Chang. I don't know, the good guys are just gloating. They're just like, ah, we killed everybody. We did it. And then Edie finally says, hey, who got that bastard Seth? And they're all like, oh, god damn it, we forgot to kill at least two of the bad guys. And like legitimately, so had I. Like, there's so many bad guys

that like, I would just let a couple of them go. We'll get it to it in the next movie. It's such a special part of this movie's insanity that it starts and ends three or four times. Oh my god, it ends so many times. That was what? At least our second ending. Now Donna is getting ready for bed, three or four times. Oh my God, it ends so many times. That was what? At least our second ending.

Now Donna is getting ready for bed, and then Seth is there, and he grabs her, and then she just escapes. She hides in the closet, and he goes to work on the closet slats with his little pocket knife. It is adorable. It is. The way he's chipping away for like five minutes.

It's like watching a kid in scratch at Balsa wood. Yeah. And there's no way you wouldn't hurt yourself in the process of doing it. Yeah. Like there's no way. Also, this is the point in the movie I remembered that it was about stolen diamonds. Yes. Yeah, that's... Like I completely forgot that the diamonds were a part of this.

Uh-huh. So this gives her so much time to load a harpoon gun, right? Because he is just pecking away at this closet. This is the kind of closet that a seven-year-old might fall into on accident and destroy. I wouldn't know that from personal experience. I'm just saying that he's going to get through there with his little switchblade. So he opens up the door finally and she just shoots him in the shoulder with a harpoon gun. The stakes of the scene are wonderful for me because every appearance by these two has

established that he is worthless and she's a ninja. Mm-hmm. Yep. Yeah, he is. Like, if the harpoon gun wasn't in there, she would do some kind of shoryuken bullshit. Yeah, she'd be fine. Yeah, any of the number of ways she kills him, like, was enough. Like, he was never a real threat. Because she comes out and she punches him twice, and he just kind of like, okay, that's enough for me. And she's like...

Yeah, he literally lays down. Yeah, dude. You got a shoulder injury and two punches. You're fucking dead. She leaves a knife like in his hand. It's like just an inch away from his hand. She's like, you're fucking dumb. I dare you to pick up that knife, you motherfucker. Sure enough, five seconds later, he gets up and he has a knife.

And she's like around the corner. But she's like, I hear you. I hear you stumbling around over there. So she like pops around the corner, but she's like, I hear you, I hear you stumbling around over there. So she like pops around the corner, completely overpowers and puts his own knife in his gut with his own hands. Seth cannot fight for shit. And he's making a face that looks like it sounds like,

eeeh, like the whole time. Yeah, he's selling it. And then he dies again. Donna- And I'm sure this time he's dead And I'm sure this time he's dead. I'm sure this time he's dead. She's learned nothing yet. She just leaves him for the comfort of the bathroom floor.

She's like, all right. Now we're done. All the bad guys are dead. We're like safe now. So let's hit our fourth ending. Yes. So she's like, okay, fine, I'm done. She like wipes up a little cut she has in her hand,

throws the toilet paper into the toilet. And then she just delicately, she's gonna just gonna start to flood, explode! The toilet explodes, the snake explodes out of the toilet. Just rockets straight up, just like five feet of snake coming out of his toilet.

Did any of you bitches flush? Spooosh! Seth is like, what just happened in there? Cause he's not dead. He's got like two minor wounds and he got punched in the face twice. So he's like, sees the snake and this, remember, this is his one weakness is the snake.

So he goes to stab the snake. He's like, I got this lady. It just gets bit in the face. She's dying from like 25 things. because the snake bites him and like all that rat cancer gets in. And so he's just like, he's like playing it like he's getting electrocuted. He's like foaming. It's horrible communicable snake cancer. It passes from rat to snake to human transfer through snake bite through 2020. We know how

this works. I really would encourage like listeners to go look at that particular moment in that film because it's like no description does it justice the way they play it. It's so good. Just I'm sure if you googled exploding snake toilet, Jif, boom. It the first thing that's going to come up, but it's also like the it sucks because now you know and like the first time you saw that movie you you didn't.

And that was like a really special moment in your life. The moment right before you found out a snake explodes in that toilet, because you can never unlearn it. You can never have that back. You had a great moment about an hour, 10 minutes ago to the normal length of a podcast about how you really forget the snake in this movie. And I had totally forgotten the fucking snake before it explodes out in all its popping glory. My mind was on Buff Nunchuck Girl.

I totally didn't see her get killed so the whole movie at this point, I'm like, where is she? Is she gonna pop out of the toilet? You know, that's just like a lobe of my brain now, you know, left brain, right brain cortex, Nunchuck Girl. It's just the thing. Nunchuck Girl Snake, the two lobe of my brain now, you know, left brain, right brain, cortex, nunchuck girl. It's just the thing. Nunchuck girl snake, the two lobes of the brain. Donna shoots the snake twice in the face.

And remember, this is a snake that is going to die in 36 hours of so many things, and yet bullets to the face are like not among them. Impervious. Impervious to bullets. A cancer-riddled snake just getting shot in the face. Right in the mouth. Like he's shot in the mouth and he's like whatever. So our main hunk, I guess knows that she's in trouble so he just drives his bike through the wall and he sees the snake and he shoots it with a bazooka in his like dear friend's home. Once again, bringing a bazooka inside as an assault weapon. I fucking love it it i have a clip here of what they say

Where the hell did that snake come from? Don't you believe? Up through the toilet? Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee. They just like let it sit there. What? Finally, Regan had eliminated all of the pee crime in America. And now this? Are you a bad enough dude to take a pee in the snake toilet?

I need the people of the world to remember. This movie has blood, nudity out the ass, normal cursing, I just go with that take a pee line and I am fucking dying. It's so like, it's so baby like, like, like, why didn't he say take a crap? Like, it seems like take a crap, but at least have sort of an edge to it. That would have been so much like harder, like so much more like- There had to have been a discussion where it's like, I don't know, I don't think taking a shit.

Like, I want my movies to be sexy. I don't want people to think about people shitting on a snake's head. It's like, we're filming a tasteful toilet snake blood explosion scene. I almost guarantee you that is exactly what he thought. He was like, I don't want to remind people that Donna Spears sometimes takes shit. So he has the same pee. That could have been Donna's note. She's like, dude, my whole thing is that people don't know that I poop.

You're ruining the magic here. You're pointing at the poop behind the curtain. Veluptuous, curvy vixen, Donna Spear has never pooped and was born in Roanoke, Virginia. And she never will. Let's talk about the last thing, because we still haven't dealt with Mr. Chang. I mean, all the bad guys are dead, right?

No. Ah, shit. We got Mr. Chang, and so they're like, okay, we know where he is, so they just go to Mr. Chang's office, and they just walk right the fuck in. Yeah. It doesn't, yeah, like, there's no security

except for the one guy with humongous arms and a tiny little baby face. Super, he never, he skips face day. He's a super buff guy. And they go in and they just knock him out with numbs. He beat the shit out of him. Dude, give me Beekeeper flashbacks. Like they just beat the piss out of this guy

after describing how tough he is. For like a minute, for like a minute. And he never fights back, it's horrific. He's all stiff from his weightlifting. He is not good at fighting. And then so Mr. Chang grabs a katana, like this is their security. They have one guard, no cameras,

that the CEO has a katana on his wall. They're like, yeah, we're protected. They pull their guns on him. He's like, done, right? They have guns on him. He's like, no, I've got this. He takes his katana and he holds it like a spear, throws it at them with like a squeal, like a piggy squeal. Two people, he throws his one sword at them.

He was just hoping that like the morale loss of like his death would take Donna out long enough for him to grab another katana. I don't- Yeah, yeah, you're coming with me. I was fully bought into the fever dream at this point, so I was kind of ready for this. Yeah. Yeah. It's just not how like a normal billionaire would like deal with the problem. He'd be like, go ahead and arrest me. I'll be out by tomorrow morning. Blah, blah, blah. But no, he's like sword attack. Right before he throws a sword, he says in a pig's ass.

Yep. Like when they tell him you're coming with us, he's like in a pig's ass. You know, Mr. Chang's a real cosmopolitan because you know, you have that whole rant about his parentage that we talked about earlier, then we get to like his LA or whatever the hell his office is. Then he has a bunch of Japanese weapons on the wall. We're just zigzagging across the planet. He's the best. I feel like it was just, it was all Orientalism, right? Like, like in the 80s, that was just like our full and total under cinematic understanding of like, yeah, any Asian coming into pigs ass. That's very American. Yeah, I think that's, I think that's actually like a one of the extra verses to like the Star Spangled Banner. That's what the bomb is bursting in there. Like that was the first draft. Exactly. Exactly. If I was a terrible comedian in like 2014, I would just break into song right now. If I was a terrible comedian in like 2014, I would just break into song right now. Yeah.

Today, you'd get canceled. Post-Gamergate, canceled. Jamie, let's cut out all of this on American stuff. We never get a Nunchuck lady. That was very disappointing. And then through some really dumb, probably not legal technicality, Taryn tells all these secret agents, hey, I'm going to keep the diamonds because I don't actually work for any government agencies, so I could just fucking keep illegal diamonds.

Yeah. And they're like, technically she's right, fellas. Nothing we can do about it. That's how they end, except it has, this is gonna sound fucking crazy, but this movie has a second expository theme song. Ha ha ha ha. And so they start playing this over the credits

and all of the titty scenes from earlier are just like clipped in. Not like behind the scenes titty scenes, the exact ones you've already watched. And if you watch the credits, the first song is called Hard Ticket to Hawaii. This song is just called Hard Ticket. Okay, but this one, it's Hard Ticket to Paradise. It's a totally different song. Totally different song.

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Tator's Tales from the noble Tator Kingdom of Tatornia, with a sword that makes polite requests of God. That's more reasonable. Ted H. Thomas Kavatsos, Tibby Lahey, Toasty God, Tommy G. Velo turns into a mighty chimera when angered, or aroused, or confused. He might actually just be a chimera. Booster, Wayland Brussels, Zack and Ava, wild and free centaur champions who ride into battle in Brussels.