The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 197, Techno Warriors with Dirk Marshall

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Seanbaby & Dirk Marshall welcome special guest, Rodney Anonymous to the DOGGZZONE. Imagine if you will a movie that is 60% fighter stats, 90% lasers, 10% girl and 100% conspicuous butt weakness! It's TECHNO WARRIORS and it IS your favorite movie. No follow up questions.

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900- 1-900! Hot Dog! 1-900! Hot Dog! 1-900! 1-900! Hot Dog! 1-900! Hot Dog! Yeah! 9000! Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-HOT-DOG, America's last comedy website.

Where extremely funny actual people write for your amusement. That's 1-900-HOT-DOG.com. I'm your guest host, Dirk Marshall from the VHS Podcast, a podcast that wishes it had the listenership of Big Feets. And I'm joined by my co-host who invented being funny on the internet. He's the electro wizard with a heart of gold and a massive biomechanical undercarriage. It's Sean, baby. Wow, a reference to my remnant 2 build already. Thank you so much. It's a pleasure to be here. And I do play an electric wizard in the hit video game remnant 2. Perfect. And our guest is a musician in the Degnothman, as well as Seventh Victim, as well as an expert in subliminal kickboxing, it's Rodney Anonymous.

And the charity that I'm playing for today is Free the Wolves, a beautiful group of people who take wolves from the wild and just release them into our urban centers. It's beautiful. I give general seat every day. I thank you. I thank you. They let you ride around the van and then open the door and let the wolves out if you give them 25 bucks.

It changes lives. It does. It does. It's just the smile on a child's face. Just as the wolf comes bounding towards him. When they're being hunted by wolves. Yes, like nothing you've ever seen before. Now that we know who's here and what we're playing for, some of us, let's plug some things. Rodney, anything you want to point people towards? Oh, man, if I was good at selfotion, we would be having this conversation in my gold-plated zeppelin.

But, oh, tonight actually, and you won't be able to hear us because we're recording this, it'll come out later, but I have a radio show called Rodney Anonymous Tells You How to Live, and our October show is super gothy. It's just soaked in goth. And tonight, we give you a Halloween show you can listen to all month long so tonight is all sorts of gothy stuff industrial stuff which is what I play normally but also there's some weird 1920s Halloween stuff thrown in there whoa so that yeah I have to I have to come running out the door after this and go start that up perfect and there are wolves in the street so it's going to take me a while uh Sean baby anything you like to promote? I think you promoted all this stuff. 1900HotDog, go to our Patreon, patreon.com slash 1900HotDog.

It's the final comedy website, as Dirk said. It's like the golden age of the internet. People go there every day and write professional, well thought out, joke dense articles about weird shit. That's enough plugging. And of course, my podcast is in its 17th season. We most often talk about a film with a guest having the profession portrayed in the film.

We just did Orgasmo with a sex worker and just did a couple horror drafts for this month. So VHS, anywhere you find your podcasts. But more importantly, the film that brings us together is a film that's so lost to time that IMDB only has it listed as Dion Z. Gi Men Shi. It's Techno warriors from 1998. Excellent.

Did you say gay men in the middle of that? No. I'm really not. Is that Freudian? I swore you said. We had to move the video to the back of the store. At the time of this recording, it's nearly impossible to watch techno warriors or its sequel, 1999's Lethal Combat, or 2001's Extreme Warriors,

which closes out this lost trilogy. I'm okay with that, having seen Techno Warriors. I am on the opposite side. I think this should be seen by everyone. Give this to every child before they are hunted by wolves. It should be told around the campfire. It should be reenacted through interpretive dance. That's what I'm saying.

I think I could tell this story in 12 seconds around the campfire. It should be reenacted through interpretive dance. That's what I'm saying. I think I could tell this story in 12 seconds around the campfire. Why don't you do the synopsis then, Sean? Cyber people and lasers. I'm done. I'm out. We're having s'mores.

My synopsis would be people say crazy things and then they fight. Yeah. Yeah. That's good too. The synopsis online is that in the future, a computer bug sets a new breed of armed and dangerous villains loose on an unsuspecting world Digital game characters who govern their own destiny and global domination had the cyber fingerprints pose the biggest threat

It doesn't even make sense. It's just completely yeah, that's not anywhere close to what the movies about Just keep saying and then they fight like stop after every sentence and then they fight. That's true. I came across this and I felt like this has 1-800-HOTDOG written all over it. And I would like to propose to you, Sean, I know that you do a watch along as part of your Patreon with the wonderful people that support the Patreon.

I think this would play really well. I don't know what you think. We would love it. I think there might be some laser fatigue about 40 minutes in where you're just like, okay, it looks awesome. The martial arts are pretty good, the stunts are pretty good, but there's no storytelling. So it's just like every three seconds is very unrelated to the three seconds before it. So if they're having a gunfight, you're not sure who's winning or losing, who's under any kind of, I don't know, I guess I've

explained it as well as it could be explained. It's complete nonsense. It's more like negative storytelling. It's like a deficit of so like no storytelling would imply we could just look at something and it would be like a picture in our mind. This just your mind starts going backwards and going like, how did they get to this? I did take a lot of clips, because I thought it was very funny. If you are familiar with Rob Liefeld, the way he not just drew comics, but wrote comics, he

would introduce a bunch of characters. And they were all the exact same dude, like a chainsaw-handed guy with a bunch of pouches. And you're like, OK, I get it. But every single guy would be like, his name is Ripsaw. And he's the best at underwater demolitions. And he would just list all the stuff the guy could do. And then he would do that for 17 new characters

every single month. And that's what this movie felt like. It's just like some guys like, oh, wouldn't it be awesome if a guy knew karate and had a hatchet? Yes. Yeah. I also wrote vibes-wise that it's kind of like if John Woo directed Captain Power

and the Soldiers of the Future, like it kind of had, if that means anything to anybody. It's directed by- Yeah, really is a good way to describe it. Yes, it's directed by Philip Coe, who has 55 directing credits and 212 acting credits. He directed such films like Millennium, not that Millennium, Supercop, not that Supercop, not that Supercop, Deadly Target and Hard to Kill, but not those movies. The film stars Damien Shalavi. Did I say that right, Sean?

Because we've talked about this man before. Yeah, he was in that Moon movie we watched. Blood Moon, yeah. Yeah, and then he's in a bunch of the films like Alone in the Dark, Legion of the Dead, and Blood Rain. And Philip Poe is in the movie. He plays Black Ninja. Yeah, some of these people in this movie actually have sag cart,

which is amazing when you think about it. Yep. Yeah. And Philip Ko was also in guns and roses, but not that guns and roses. Dinosaurs played by Winsot Ellis, who's played a heavy and dark night, no time to die in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. So there's, there's people that have been in things. There's definitely people that look familiar in this movie, but I think we should just get into the meat of the film. Let's start the way the movie started. It introduces Ken first, and this is his intro. He's one of the many dedicated cops determined to wipe out crime in

the cities and the nemesis of many crime bosses. He's an expert martial artist, famous for his lethal strikes. His favorite weapon is the laser cannon. He never misses. Except for the rest of the movie. He's on loan from New York, where he takes part in the Serious Crime Squad. Yes, yes.

It says that he's the Interplanetary Immigration Services, but he's now based in the Serious Crime Squad inigration Services, but he's now based in the serious crime squad in New York, but he's also part of the MIB currently. I was like, is this all of his resume? Like, this is crazy. He worked at Dairy Queen for six weeks during high school. It's like if you see a nine-year-old doing a drawing and you're like, what are you drawing? Well, it's this guy who's a pirate, but he's also in the FBI and he flies a spaceship.

Yeah, it's as if they went to some nine-year-olds and they, okay, can you give us some characters? Yeah, Philip Ko is like, oh, let me write that down, that's fucking good. Yeah, that's good, a pirate. His girlfriend is named Brenda, who's also a super cop. I took her intro. Brenda is Ken's partner, a highly trained officer

with a strong sense of justice. She's also Ken's girlfriend. She's being given extra-ray eyes and super sensitive hearing and is also an expert martial artist. Her favorite weapon, the laser gun. And that's it, because she sometimes misses. Well, they say that she has been given X-ray eyes and super sensitive hearing. I like to think this was the first two nights of Hanukkah. On the first night of Hanukkah, they were like, here you go, here you go, special agent Brenda.

We've got your X-ray eyes. And then the next night it's super sensitive hearing. And then maybe the gifts, they go downhill a little bit from there. So she was probably psyched to get those. Ken's a Gentile, so he just got the laser cannon, which is a great gift. But you just get the one big gift.

I love that they also introduce Rondo and Jackpot, but just as hooligans with no computer skills. Right. God, their intro's so funny because they're just kind of like, oh, yeah, here's some bad guys. And you can tell they're bad guys because they look bad, but they're still like, oh, they're good at computers. I don't know.

It's like you ran into their aunts at a wedding and they're trying to describe these people to you. Just imagine somebody complaining, they're giving these describe these people to you. It's just like, you just imagine like somebody complaining, they're giving these hoodlums computer skills. Oh no, they've got no computer skills. It's okay. Yeah. And that's what drove them to crime.

There you go. The costumes are pretty rad. Like they were going for mortal, it looks like they got the Mortal Kombat set for the weekend and they're just like, oh, we got to check the props, see if there's any Mortal Kombat props left. And then they just made the thing.

Most of these characters are in a game, but not Ken and Brenda. I think they're real world cops, but it's the post-apocalypse, but it's not that bad. They're still like gated communities and hotels and things. Horse and buggy, I guess. I'm so confused by this movie. They do point out that the virtual world

is more dangerous than the real world. And again, this is when I could just feel the brakes get like pumped in my head. I'm like, wait, what? You know, could you explain that? But there's no explanations for anything. Yeah, they also throw in that Brian is a tech wizard and he rules the world and is enslaved to the techno warriors. Yeah. I hate Brian so much. Brian sucks.

When I went to college, there was a guy that I, this is my former most hated human being. There's a guy who used to show up at every party, he wasn't invited. And 30 times a night, he would say, I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. He thought this was funny. And then he would explain it to you. And we're like, who the hell invited him? I would rather spend 30 hours trapped in an elevator with that guy than 10 minutes anywhere with Brian. That is how much I dislike Brian. I hope that guy's listening and like remember saying that. He realizes, oh my God. He's just saying it all the time anyway. He'll know

who he is. Everybody who went to college with me and hears this will know who I'm talking about. Okay. In my notes, I have a list of all the characters. I guess I took a clip of all of them. So I think we should go through because most of this movie is dedicated to naming and describing characters. The first guy we see is as Twister. They put his name in comic sans. I just wrote that down because I love that. His title, his job title is super cop of game world. And then on everyone's stats, they list their kick speed and their punch power. I did not take a note of everybody's kick speed and punch power. His bio is, and I quote, World Karate Champion, unbeatable,

toughness and justice, excellence and free fighting. I love every syllable of that. It's it's it's like the background noise of my brain. This is just like how I how I like look at things. I also love that they have these stats on the screen like for people that haven't seen the film like you're seeing it like the Back of a G.I. Joe card kind of thing or any Street Fighter can type game and then the voiceover is also saying crazy Yeah, I'm too because they're not actual characters from real video games if they were it would make sense Like you would say oh, it's radon.. I played it as Radon. I know his skills.

I know what he can do. But with this, you're supposed to memorize it all in a space of 45 seconds. Like, oh yeah, I better keep their kick speed in my head. It's like the first 45 minutes of Star Wars was just that crawl. Chewbacca, a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. All right, so on top of all that, that I just said,

that was stuff I read on the screen. This is what the voiceover says. Twister, a computer cop, good at kung fu, a righteous man, hated and feared by the underworld. Super special skill, laser shot, lethal weapon, space warp rock. I love it. I have no notes on that. You're going to make me love this movie. I was angry at it. I have no notes on that. You're going to make me love this movie. I was angry.

Space War Cry sounds so awesome. Yeah, and it doesn't come up. None of these things come up. Never in the movie does someone say, Hi, I'm the master of the whirlwind kick. No, never. Next we meet Cannon. Oh, yeah. He's also a super cop of Game World. His bio is World Taekwondo Champion, loyal and hatred of crime, excellence in kickboxing. And this is his voiceover. Can, a computer lawman, expert in Taekwondo, a champion of fight against evil, special skills,

cyclone punch and shadow punch, lethal weapon, the dinosaur run. Who's going to talk about dinosaur rug? Because we have a character named Dinosaur and that's not their special move? Dinosaur rug goes to Cannon. I think the Stray Cat song, if I remember. I thought they said dinosaur rug because it all flies by. So I was like, oh, that's nice. We'll see that. They'll pull it out.

There'll be like a rug shaped like a dinosaur. It'll pull it because it's really kind of difficult in the in the version I got. And also with, you know, it wasn't feeling great. So I was I was like, wow, this makes little to no sense. And that's that's when I began to be at odds with the flick. You know, I took everybody's fucking bio. We can keep doing them if you want. That's all I'm here for.

I don't care if we do that for the duration. The rest of the podcast can be that. Okay, well the next up is Princess. Her title is Lady Cop of Game World. Her bio says, World Free Fighting Champion, pretty, cool and precise. And her voiceover... Princess, also a computer cop, lethal weapon, the flying rod. That's it. Two runs, that's all. In 1998, girl was enough of a personality.

You're the, great job, you're the girl. What do you wanna call her? Sad princess, I don't know. Yeah, lady cop. Yeah, we'll make that her title, that's good. Woman. Yes. Things get really confusing here because assassin,

his title is assassin of the Black Ninja Gang, but there is a guy named Black Ninja who runs the gang, we find out later, but for now, I'm just trying to follow it. Assassin is world weapon champion, loyal, young and energetic, excellence and fatal weapon. So he's the total package, ladies. Assassin. Number three in the Black Ninja Syndicate. Top martial artist and a fierce fighter. Special skills, the lightning kick and the air strike. Beautiful weapon, the Thunderbolt Missile.

And again, Cannon doesn't get Thunderbolt Missile. Right. Assassin. You never see it. I don't think you ever see the Thunderbolt Missile. No. That's not a thing in the movie. I was so psyched for that. That's the one thing I was psyched for. Which is crazy because the rest of the movie is fighting.

God, who do we have next? We got Hell Judge. Hell Judge. Yes. His title is Judge of Black Ninja Gang. And I don't know, Rodney, can you describe this guy's outfit? I can't describe this guy's outfit because I only grabbed one screenshot and that involved the spiritual boxing. But again, I only got to watch it once.

I was on a short time frame and I spent all that time just being angry at Brian. I'm still angry at Brian. I'm going to start a separate podcast just called angry at Brian. Dibs on first guest. So Hell Judge is exactly M. Bison from Street Fighter. His bio says, world kung fu champion, intelligence, cold blooded and black hearted. So you're starting to see a pattern. Every single character is a world champion. This world that they live in is at least 20% karate trophy.

And his fucking voiceover is so funny. The hell judge. Number one in the black ninja syndicate. Lethal weapon, fist fist. That's it. Did he say fist fist or fist fist? His fists. World's greatest lover. His fists.

Martial arts assassin. I could have sworn he said fist fist. I guess you know what that would be. I guess you pee on your hands and then you're... I don't want to. That's how you become World Kung Fu Champion. I don't want that. To be clear, you, the listener right now, know what any viewer of this movie knows at this point. Like, this is how they open the movie.

I love it. Here comes Dinosaur. His title is Enemy of Black Ninja. That's his job. His bio is World Boxing Champion. That's his job. His bio is world boxing champion, ambitious ring terminator, no regret and no surrender. Just, I guess there's those catchphrases. Those are like mugs he drinks out of.

Yes. Imagine getting all these resumes in front of you and just go, oh, I can't decide. Oh, gotta hire them all. I did, I took his voiceover, of course. Dinosaur, number two in the Black Ninja Syndicate stands one meter 90 centimeters, very strong and extremely brutal. Lethal weapon, the Thunderbolt Sword.

I mean, Thunderbolt Sword. Why do we need to know how tall he is? I don't know. Is that dinosaur quality? How are we supposed to remember any of this? I did think I wonder was there supplemental things that were handed out? Like as you entered the theater, did they hand you a bunch of cards? And then you went, oh, okay, now I see who's fighting who and their skills and yeah. There's nothing dinosaur about dinosaur too. Like if anyone's picturing something dinosaur like, no, no, it's not. That's not how this works. Yeah, he's in like a leopard print. He's got like a long like kind of like Lords of Arabia do-rag.

He looks like the guy from the Warriors. The guy who they killed in the Warriors. Gramercy riffs. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't matter. This is all madness. So true.

So then we get Black Ninja, who's the head of Black Ninja Gang. That's his job title. His bio is... Oh, I guess you wrote this bio down, Rodney. I sent it over to Dirk and I'm like, is this why I'm on the show? Because right now I'm beginning to question my friendship with Dirk because I think I'm like the friend that you call to help you move.

Because I noticed I was looking at his show today and I'm like, oh, that looks interesting. It's a sequel, like a draft pick thing. That I'd like, no, I'm on here talking about turbo. So again, I'm doing a lot of heavy. So that's why I sent it to him. I said, am I on the show? Because I'm an expert in spiritual boxing. And what did you say to that, Dirk?

Yes. Okay. Good. I was like, you get it. I think I even texted you to be like, Rodney's in, he's totally down for the spiritual boxing. Yeah. He's a great spiritual boxer. He's also, Black Ninja is tricky and almost cruelty. I imagine they meant utmost, but.

He's also skilled at all disguises, but only dresses like the Black Ninja. Yeah, I took his voice over, of course. Black Ninja, head of the Black Ninja Syndicate. A very vicious man, a total destroyer, skilled in all disguises. Special skills, the cutting leg, wolf swing and spiral fists, lethal weapon, the samurai laser sword. And at no point does he disguise himself in the movie. Never.

No, the actor disguises himself to sneak out of the premiere, but other than that, no. Yeah. And you might be thinking, this has been going on a long time in the movie. I wish it was longer. I wish that that's all they did in this film. But I do love the next part where they just go, oh, and there's also Lizard. And then it just holds on this guy named Lizard. They give you nothing else. It's just a still frame of him. It's like in the Holy Grail when they go, and sir, not appearing in this picture. It's just a still frame of him. It's like in the Holy Grail when they go, and sir not appearing in this picture. It's like they go right past him. Yeah, because there's like Viper and Mustang and Steel Man and they're just getting like named. They're like, we get it. We need to get to the movie eventually. They do explain like what's happening in the movie.

I sort of like how the movie's structured like a Nintendo manual. This is where they tried to like they realize, oh shit, we need to make a movie. And the witch. Their only objective in fighting is to kill. They all work for the black ninja and their motto is no mercy. In order to take control of the whole world, black ninja sends them out into the real world in the year 2020 to destroy Brian. Every time they see Brian I laugh. It is so funny. I still like special agent Brenda. I love that for some reason. Toy Brian. Every time they say Brian, I laugh in this movie.

It is so funny. Every time. I still like Special Agent Brenda. I love that for some reason. Yeah, Special Agent Brenda. Sometimes she gets called Rhonda, if I'm not mistaken. But at this point, I didn't know Brian was in the movie. So when they said Brian, I'm like, oh, that must be like Cobra, right?

Like Brian must stand for something cool. No, it's a guy named Brian. It was like, what are the snakes? There's Hell Judge and Assassin and Cannon and their arch nemesis, Brian. This is like if a baby thought, what if the people inside Mortal Kombat were real? But like only this filmmaker was insane enough

to execute that idea. Like anyone else would have said, that's a fucking stupid idea, but he's like, no, no, what if? So they made a whole movie around that really basic idea. It actually borrows from the plot of heavily from a 1970s animated feature short feature called RARG, R-A-R-G, where there's a bunch of people who are scientists like a planet

full of discoverers, and they discover that they're existing within the dream of some guy somewhere So they have to go get him and I was like, okay You can you can watch it on YouTube. Yeah, it all comes back to Rar. Yeah. Yeah, and there's also I believe a character called Rar Probably a cyber Rar special ability Thunderbolt kick because everybody's everybody has like Thunderbolt and laser It's like a Taco Bell, how they invent new foods. That's how Philip co invents new characters. Where are we? I guess like we sort of fizzle out of the intros.

And now there's a motorcycle chase, but not really. It's kind of more like a laser parade. Like there's a Jeep and the guys in the motorcycles are following them. And then there's just like lasers everywhere, except hitting the people that they're being aimed at. The dialogue is really good. Brenda screams, they're heavily armed. And then she kind of waits a minute.

She goes, they're heavily armed. My notes just say they're heavily armed. No shit. Yeah, no shit. The whole world is lasers. And it will not be the first time that happens. And I love that like all the action in this movie is like, you can tell that Philip Ko saw other movies and was like, well, that's going to happen in my movie.

Yes. So like, Ken Rex's bike and he does a cool slide across the ground shooting lasers. And like every, every move or kick of a grenade is like, you're like, oh, I've seen this somewhere else. But this is an interesting mix of that. He also does this thing that's it's it's almost like a bit. It's like a like he cuts to the front of a car and then he cuts the front of the other car and then the motorcycle. And that's how they tell the entire story of the scene. But also they have the character saying, oh, look at them. They're taking a left up there.

Oh, wow. Look at that cool thing I'm looking at. And then you're like, you he just expects to like, give him a lot of credit. And yet these were my favorite parts. Yeah, they're very funny. I love the sequence right here where Brenda gets to or Rhonda gets to the basketball court filled with flaming, like steel drums. Yes. And they're just shooting lasers and everything exploding. And I was like, this looks like, like early 2000s, late 90s, when someone would be like, I've got a new idea for basketball, like hear me out.

I also like the blocks of ice. There's an entire fight involving blocks of ice. And you're like, how did this inspired little bit here find its way into all this film? Right, like all the blocks of ice hit the ground, and then that guy slides across them. And then Brenda shoots every single block of ice while he's sliding across them and then they respawn like they're fine after that. Yeah, the whole that whole sequence I'm like, this is amazing. And then

there's a weird it slips into a weird discussion like class warfare. We're like, we may not be educated, but so what? Like, we might not be educated, but who cares? And she was talking about putting them in re-education as if the state has this sort of mind control device that they put people in. I was like, oh, this movie's going in crazy directions. That's never brought up again. And when we talk about the sliding,

I guess let's mention that sliding happens a lot. That's pretty common choreography. But faster than you think. There's a couple of times where I think they lubed Ken up and they just launched him across the floor. They're like, okay, this is going to look awesome. And they shoot him 30 miles an hour into a wall. They're like, whatever. We lost another Ken, but that's going to look real cool. It says on his card, World Martial Arts Sliding Champion. Did you see that when they showed it? It got to pay attention. I must have missed it. Yeah. It's just all happening too fast.

And these cops are fighting regular criminals. These aren't techno warriors. They're fighting and there's a part where Black Ninja sees the regular people lose to the super cops and he says, these people are so stupid. They know nothing of computers. I might have taken a clip of that. Hold on a second. stupid they know nothing of computers. I might have taken a clip of that hold on a second. Look at these stupid people what are they playing at? They know nothing at all about computers. If I was out in the real world they wouldn't stand a chance against me.

Black Ninja I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, sir. Dinosaur has left our group. He's gone out on his own. I'm afraid he may start an insurrection. Ha ha ha ha! Dinosaur can go to hell, I'm not afraid of him! That was an entire scene from start to finish. What I loved about that too is the other guy was sitting in a chair while Black Ninja was talking, and then he suddenly stood up and said, I have some news about Dinosaur. Like in your earpiece, like how did you get this news? It's like the director doesn't even understand

the fundamentals of how like sound travels to human ears. I love this movie. I wonder if anybody's tuned in and they think that Dirk, Sean and I are all basically just doing these voices. In other words, we say we're going to cut to a clip and then we just say crazy stuff. Like that would be, oh no, they're just making it up and say, no people, this is a real movie. Yeah, it is a real movie. I say fortunately. I was about to say unfortunately, but I fixed that.

So we cut to the good guys. It's Twister and Cannon and they have a master. And they're just like doing martial arts stuff. Like one's doing the Jean-Claude Van Damme splits. The other one is doing his kung fu forms. The master's meditating. He just starts fucking doing laser shit with his hands. And like, just as they start shooting out of his hands, it just cuts away. Like, they're just out there throwing lasers around. Have we even got to the plot yet? Kind of? There's no plot. out there throwing lasers around. Have we even got to the plot yet? Kind of. There's no plot. No, no. Even before you can appreciate the amazing waterfall that they're by and everything in this scene, then it just cuts right to Twister and Cannon going to this amazing fishing village on a beach. The apocalypse now lands. They say, you don't have a clip of this.

I don't think so. I think it was just all laser sounds. What would I have clipped? Well, they first say, is our master a God or a man? A man, of course. How else could he teach us human kung fu? I would have probably rather learned God kung fu if like that was an option. They burned that village to the ground.

Yes. And I always, I think, what if it wasn't a set? What if some of the villagers were out fishing that day and came back and found that their homes had been wiped out so that techno warriors could be made? Both of you mentioned it's a village. I had like two shed beach camp is what it says in my notes. This felt to me like something, like the second I saw this, I'm like, they're going to burn this down.

But this little shitty thing they built is gone. The first place they go to is, I call it Rivendell home of the techno elves. But then they go from there. The scenery is very interesting. The sets are pretty good. I mean, you can tell they're not well made, but like they look pretty awesome. They look very Mortal Kombat. It's hard to explain like what's happening in the movie because when they go to the beach, there's not really a reason for them to be there. And then when the ninjas attack, there's not really a reason for them to do that. And when it explodes, like it's clearly they just blew up some trash.

But then, like the voiceover says, oh, they killed a whole bunch of people. And now you're like, but why do they do that? I don't know why it's not the most popular movie of all time, is my point. Exactly. This is where I think the plot starts, is where Hell Judge watches warriors fight and then Brian puts Brenda into their world. Right. That's when he starts remixing. And we're a half hour into this.

Yeah. And then she just walks up and says, I should have you all deported from Mega Computer World. And I was like, we've never been told about Mega Computer World. They don't need to tell you about Mega Computer World. That's like telling you about the alphabet. It's something you should know about by first grade. I don't think she does though, cause she's like not a nerd.

She's like, I don't know what the fuck this video game shit is. But like when she understands, oh, I'm in a video game, well, I'm going to deport you guys. I got to call immigration on you. Again, all of it's weird. Nothing is related to previous dialogue. I wanted to mention that like,

there's not a big deal made of transitioning between these worlds. Like in most movies, it'd be like, oh, to get into a video game, you got to like, have a full-on Tron machine and it's a big deal. And then this is just like, oh, Brenda's in the computer world now. And then they forget later on that they put her in the computer world. Yeah. They spent all the budget on the sweeping camera shots, basically, they didn't have any time for transitions

from regular world to computer mega world. But sometimes they do, they'll have some weird static and I'm like, was that supposed to be us transitioning? It's like they had a thought and it just went somewhere. So Brian is now in the movie. I guess all of it is taking place inside his VR headset at this point. So now the whole movie soundtrack is just Brian like going,

yeah, ha yeah, I did it, yeah. Suck it up. Which is, yeah, so it's the fucking worst. You're right to hate this guy, Rodney. It's more than hate. There's gonna, you have to have a new word for how much, how I feel about Brian. I just fucking hate it.

And now he's also switching characters like a child. He's just grabbing guys and putting them in fights with other guys, which does not do a lot for this movie's plot because now characters are just disappearing and reappearing and fighting each other with no reason. They're as confused as we are. The bad guy's entire world is controlled by Brian, so they also have a reason to hate him.

But they say that he's too strong. But then Hell Judge says, OK, he's too strong. We can't do anything about this. So he asks everybody, his group of maniacs, he's like, what should we do about this guy? And they all have different ideas. And Hale Judge is like, no, let's kidnap him. So I guess he's not too strong. They can kidnap him. He's too strong. So let's kidnap him and lock him up. And I'm like, take his lunch money. That'll show up. I took a clip of this might it might need some narration to explain what's going on, but it's very important for later in the movie. Master, you still haven't told us. You must both try and concentrate. You must find his weak point and then make your attack. Every fighter has a weak point. This man, Judge, has a weak neck.

For the others, I don't know. But you'll have to take out his men first. Now I understand. We all have weak points. Mine is right here in my brain. Mine is right here. Master, what about you? He just puts it in his arm. It's like his left arm has a weak point in it. Okay, so the master now is very smug. He coily grabs his own butt. There he goes. And then he does it again. Does he have hemorrhoids? And again.

Hemorrhoids? Um... Okay, okay, so normally in a kung fu movie, there's talk of like, you know, characters' weak points. pretty standard. But this movie has such a fundamental misunderstanding of everything that's ever been and shared by humans that they think weak points are just like random parts on a body like, oh, my weak point is in my left bicep. Mine is my brain. And the master's is his butt. And we don't know if he really does have hemorrhoids.

Later in the movie, he is poked by one of them just in his butt and he gets very offended. He's like, how dare you? How dare you poke me in my weak point? And then when Black Ninja fights him, he does like a jump through him and on the way he passes through his butt and he's like, ah, I knew about your weak point.

So that's how that comes up later. But I think that might be the only time in the movie when there was like a planned payoff, where they set something up. I have so many questions. Yeah. I take back every thing I said about the script. This is a flaw.

First question is about the script. Do you think that they came up with the butt part on set that day, that there was originally another weak point? And then the actor said, well, no, how about if it's his butt? Or like if you got the script and it was, oh, you're going to poke out your butt as the weak said, Well, no, how about if it's his butt? Or like, if you got the script, and it was, oh, you're gonna poke out your butt as the weak point, when you then say, first of all, why would you tell people where your weak point is? And secondly, if it was your butt, when you keep that to yourself,

maybe it just got translated funny. And in like the original Mandarin, it was like, Master, what's your most erotic feature? And he's like, Oh, my luscious buttocks. And then when they translated that to for Western audiences, they're like, Master, what's your most erotic feature? And he's like, oh, my luscious buttocks. And then when they translated that for Western audiences, they're like, no, they're not gonna get it. It's gonna sound weird. They're like, what's this chakra? I mean, the Americans won't know. And they were like, oh, that's hemorrhoids, right.

Hemorrhoids, hemorrhoids. I don't know. I guess we're back in the real world. The game ninjas appear like at Brian's gated community. And then Brenda also shows up and he goes, and he drops his gum. And then she like ninja snatches the gum out of the air. She's just that good, but she like realizes

what she's done. And she's like, gross, I just grabbed your gum. And she says, you're disgusting, but like lady, you're the one who startled a man chewing nine pieces of gum and then grabbed it out of the air. That's my note for that scene. Well, in this part is so crazy because the good guys and bad guys just start kind of teleporting everywhere with no issue at all. And I was like, how are they doing this? And then

their power lines, I don't even understand what's happening. They keep appearing outside this place called the Hacienda Hotel. And all I can think is this voice going, guests of Turbo Warriors stay at the Hacienda Hotel. Also, we haven't seen Ken in like 50 minutes. That's true, Ken's been missing. So, but the bad guys also show up to capture Brian. And when he sees the bad guys, Brian runs up to them. He's so excited to meet them, but he knows what the deal is. He's not like, oh cool, you guys are men cosplaying as my favorite video game characters. He's like, oh wow, how did you

get here to the real world video game characters? Like a tiny child might at Disneyland. And he voluntarily joins them. They're like, we're going to take you. And they're like, he's like, yeah, cool, awesome. And then the good guys show up from cyber land and they're like, hey, the bad guys are bad. And Brenda, again, has no idea what this video game is. So she's just like, what? This is fucking stupid. I hate this. But yes, Brian escapes on a motorcycle. At least, as Dirk mentioned, there's power lines that are chasing him. Like there's this red energy in the power lines,

which I kind of make sense, I guess, if they're computer characters, they'd have to travel by the power lines. Yeah, I get the logic there. I'll let them have it. I mean, they can also appear places. I don't know why. But you can teleport to the center of a Hacienda Hotel parking lot if you had to. Yeah, but luckily Brian knows where to hide, which is a construction site. Right. We do see Ken now at this point. He's dealing with the assassin. Assassin has jumped into

the real world and Ken is fighting him. There's a weird horse and buggy that keeps interrupting all their fight scenes. And in a film this artistic, it must mean something, right? That has to be some sort of a David Lynch sort of metaphor. It's the Rosebud from their Citizen Kane, but not the other Citizen Kane. This is, you know how they had the, he was the director of the other movies. There's another Citizen Kane out there, directed by this man. And that's the Rosebud of that film.

Karate Kane and Citizen Laser. But don't get them mixed up with Citizen Kane. Yeah, this movie asks you, are you the Techno Warrior or are you the Brian? Like, are you the horse or the carriage? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I get it.

I get it. There's a two of the bad guys exit here by just flying into the sky, but only for like two frames and it cuts away. It's like they just jumped and they got away and I left so hard. It is the best comedy beat. Well, and like nobody really dies in this.

So I couldn't ever tell when somebody was defeated or not. It's just like things explode and then you're just, it's over and you're like, oh, all right. Did they die? Part of my soul died. Part of your soul will die every fight. But every fight gets wrapped up by just somebody leaves. They're just, okay, that's enough.

That's enough fight, goodbye. Sometimes through magical means, other times they're just like, now we meet Princess who shows up and she's got like a blue, like Mortal Kombat outfit. And so Brian's like other times, they're just like, now we meet Princess who shows up, she's got like a blue, like Mortal Kombat outfit. And so Brian's like, Oh, hey, Wonder Woman, you're here for some kryptonite. He's just saying crazy shit. But like, this is favorite game. We saw

him playing Princess earlier. He should know her right? So frustrated. Brenda shows up and we see like the whole fight through Brian's eyes, even though that doesn't make any sense anymore. So yeah, it's like they ran out of money and they just show Brian space for a lot of this fight through Brian's eyes, even though that doesn't make any sense anymore. So, yeah, it's like they ran out of money and they just show Brian's face for a lot of this fight where he's going, Oh, good move. Watch your leg, Brenda. So it's like there was a Christian Slater, a Serent life sketch where he was like turning into a werewolf and he would jump off the camera and put on a bunch of makeup. Oh, I could feel myself changing. And the bit was that they didn't have enough money for transformation effects. That's 40% of this movie.

I think this was the point in the film where I just turned the sound down and I put on like a Philip Glass soundtrack and made it like Koyana Scotzi. That was the only way I could deal with it for a little while. Smart. I was just playing this game with myself where I was like, who's that person? Because like Mustang and Lizard and some guy I just called Genie start showing up in this scene and I was just like, I don't even know what's happening anymore. Another thing to point out is when they're fighting, there are a lot of senseless lasers that come out, pouring out of everything. They'll pull out and have people just hitting their swords against each other.

Sometimes it's pretty good martial arts and choreography and all that. But then someone has just added lasers coming out of their knives, their tonfas. Sometimes you can't really tell what it's supposed to be from. There's just lasers. And this is where I realized there is such a thing as random ninja laser fatigue. Like they're just appearing so and exploding beams of light everywhere. It's just lasers overlapped over giant exploding bears. Like they just shoot like hundreds of feet into the air. But then that wasn't enough action so they're like and lasers and they

couldn't actually hit anything so it was like Target practice day at a school for the visually impaired it was just right you're just like just hit something I don't care is it possible that not a single person got hit with a laser in this entire movie no they don't no one does amazing more people got hit with lasers at laser Floyd back in the 70s then got hit with laser in this entire movie? No, they don't. No one does. Amazing. More people got hit with lasers at Laser Floyd back in the 70s than got hit with lasers in this movie. We didn't mention earlier, there's a training scene where the bad guys are just kind of, you know, posing with swords where the whole stage just starts exploding.

Like it was just rigged with random fireworks. Yeah, it's really good. It's such a fucking like baby's idea of what would look cool. And like, they're not wrong, but I love it so much. And then dinosaur reaches through time and space and pulls Brian to the what did they call it, cyber mega city where I was like, OK, so there's cyber mega city that's in the other world. OK. And then dinosaur claims that he is beyond control.

So now we know like, oh, that's the villain now. Okay. And then dinosaur claims that he is beyond control. So now we know like, oh, that's the villain now. Right. So dinosaur quit being a black ninja to be just extra bad all by himself. And he does make a vortex. I think this is one of the few times where they're like, oh, there's a transition between these two worlds other than just like wanting to be there. Because most of the time you can't tell whether you're looking at the real world or the video game world. It's the same at this point.'s also, we relearn the entire plot through Ken and Brenda's eyes, because they're like the humans. They're like, what is all this video game shit? And Brian explains. So it's like really dumbed down even past the point where it was.

They can only take one of the real cops to the Mega Computer Land. So they take Ken and now they have to form a team huddle so they can warp to the other world. Again, like, they just, they decide on these rules. And Brenda or Rhonda shouts out, Ken, I'll wait for you. I love that so much. I feel like he's going to prison. I love that so much.

It's just a, it's just a cyber cop rescue mission. He'll be back today. It'd be weird for you to remarry this afternoon, Brenda. Guy had that in my notes too. So funny. I'll wait for you. This is when Black Ninja shows up at the Master's treat Guy had that in my notes too. So funny. I'll wait for you. This is when Black Ninja shows up at the Masters of Treat and he like, he does the Johnny Cage kick through his butt.

Yeah. And that fight is over, touched his weak point. Let's see now our good guys are back at the real world beach looking for Brian. No, the video game beach looking for Brian. And then Dinosaur has Brian. He wants to make sure everyone understands the plot. I have a clip of this. See if you can follow along. It's very complicated. Ha ha Brian. You think you're powerful? That's Brian. I tell you, you're nothing.

I'm the big cheese now. See, I control Brian. You are all my slaves. So since he has Brian, they're his slaves. You obey me? Never. You don't have any choice, black ninja. If you don't do what I say, I'll crush you.

Do you understand? How could he not? Ah ha ha! God damn it! I knew that no good dinosaur would betray us one day. Now he's gonna use Brian to beat us. He's gonna make us his slave. We must act fast.

We must fight Brian and get rid of dinosaur. And we must hurry or we're all dead. Do you understand? No, I don't. We must act fast. We must find Brian and get rid of dinosaurs. And we must hurry or we're all dead. Do you understand? No, I don't. I'm a little lost. I think whoever has...

Someone's trying to get Brian. Somebody's in charge. I think, if I'm understanding this correctly, if you have Brian, you're in charge. But if you have Brian, you're in charge. Now hold on, let me start from the beginning. It's just, what an amazing movie. I have a fan theory.

I just want to just, okay, I just, I just just hit me now. My fan theory is that Brian, the character in the movie, found a way to go into the real world, our world, wrote the script for this movie, and then went back into the movie. Okay, that's what the horse and buggy means. Yes. Okay, now it makes sense.

It's like a second matrix outside the matrix in the fictional Matrix. My head hurts. What you need to do is get Brian and then you'll be in charge. God damn it. So they confront Dinosaur who's in charge now because he's in charge. He explained this. He explains that he's in charge. Again, that's not even the clip I'm talking about. That's his only speech and he gives it several times. He explodes, I wrote down.

That can't make any sense, but he does explode before the fight starts. Everything blows up for the rest of the week. He's got like a Batman forearm blade that shoots lasers. I don't remember that being mentioned in his bio. I honestly don't know how having Brian helps him. He's got Brian like stashed under a big statue over on the side of the beach. Dinosaur kicks the shit out of everybody. Like he's way too tough.

And these are, remember, super cops and cyber cops. And he's just annihilating them. Okay, this is gonna sound like I'm crazy, but the Slave I shows up, like Boba Fett's exact spaceship from the hit film Star Wars. There's like two of them. Yeah.

Space ships. So several Slave I's show up. And I do believe, it's not clear from the editing or the filmmaking, I think these were the B-list ninjas. I think the slave ones show up and those turned into ninjas. You agree with that? Yeah.

Yeah. It becomes the ones where they were like, there's also Lizard and I don't know, he looks like a genie. We didn't name that guy. You remember Mustang Genie. There's probably something happening on the other side of the universe where like Care Bears are around this cauldron and bringing up these spaceships because that would make sense for this film. I was stunned. My notes just say spaceship with like thousand question marks.

Then another girl shows up. I guess this is Princess but she like now looks like one of the cyber cops. She's dressed like Brenda Pitt and Ken. Yeah, that was Princess. I think maybe Witch was in one of the scenes earlier. I don't know if we talked about her, but yeah. If you have a clip of it, I'm going to ruin it. My favorite line in the movie. I don't know if I should say it now or not. I think one of them says, I'm a cyber cop. I received orders from Mars to help you. I have it in my notes. I didn't take the clip. But yes, that was a reference, I guess, to the how these people are intergalactic immigration officers, and not like SWAT team members or something. They're not like combat cops. They just as a

hobby take karate class. But for the most part, they're doing like, you know, Mars deportation paperwork. And at this point, Brian says that they have to do a specific move to defeat dinosaur. Do you remember what the move is? Oh, I do have that in my notes. Yeah, my notes are just covered in tears at this point. Very hard to read. It's the whirlwind sword that they never mentioned in the beginning.

All of the survivors. Yes. And his weak spot is like his fucking face. Yes, his forehead. Use the whirlwind sword on his forehead. And I was like, whirlwind sword? We have 19 special moves and none of them are whirlwind sword. So they do. Brian starts giving him tips because he's

played this video game before. He's like, hit him in the face with your sword. And they're like, that's a great idea. And then they 100% do not. That is absolutely not what they do. They like hit some sand with a sword laser. And then they 100% do not. That is absolutely not what they do. They like hit some sand with a sword laser. And then they like do something very different, which is like they teleport into each other.

There's some lasers and whatever, but there was no whirlwind sword to the face. It would be like at the end of Lord of the Rings, if suddenly it had nothing to do, oh, they put a medallion around somebody. You know what I'm saying? They talked about the ring the whole time. It's just that baffling.

Here's the cufflinks cufflinks. This was about a ring. What? These are the cufflinks we needed. The ones we've been mentioning this whole time. With a matching tie. We're like done. We're like done the entire plot of the movie because at this point, like they get Brian out and they're like, cool, we did it. And then Brian's like, Hey, can I have a

kiss? And then Princess is like, you gotta close your eyes. And you're like, oh, she's gonna like kick him in the face or something. But no, she like gives him a little kiss on the cheek and then they say bye-bye. Yeah. That's it. That's it.

And then you're thinking, well, clearly, this is a standalone film. No, there's two more. It is so uniquely embarrassing, but awesome. Like every decision made here is something you'd like not quite listen to a six-year-old explain. Like, I got an idea for a movie. Like this is what they would say. And you'd be like, okay, that's great.

That's a great idea for a movie. But Philip Coe made it. It gives you emotional whiplash. You love it and then you hate it and then you love it and then you hate it. That was my experience with it. Yeah, I understand that. I completely love it. I can't get enough of it. And I feel like you're right.

I feel like this was written on a playground by kids who were like, and then I have the whirlwind kick and my weak points up your butt or whatever. It's just like, it feels like that. Have you ever seen the movie F.R.O.7? It's about like a secret agent, like magical frog cartoon. Doesn't sound familiar. I've seen the other F.R. FRO7, the one that was directed by the guy who directed this, not the same one.

Right. Right, of course. You see, Philip goes, but it's like, this high budget star studded cartoon, but it's all based on like long running bedtime story, this maniac told to his child. And then they just faithfully adapted it into a cartoon using like the same logic he was making up

as their kid was going to bed. And that's, I guess, what this movie feels like. It's like they wrote the script and they're like, well, this is terrible, but like we wanna be faithful to like the original concept of whatever this six-year-old screams out at the playground, we're putting it in the movie. Yeah, I mean, that seems fair. If you could rewrite this movie and add yourself

as a character, do you have a name and a special power? Using the Philip Co rules, I would have to take chunks of existing words. I would probably be laser cop, laser laser, world champion of laser, pretty and laser, almost lazerness. That's my bio. And unrelated special move? Laser sword. And I nevererness. That's my bio. An unrelated special move? Laser Sword. And I never miss.

I would be Mr. Expert Martial Artist, who is also an expert in martial arts. Oh, hell yeah. Are you a world champion? I'm champion of all the worlds. Oh, wow. Damn. Including Mars. Well, that's what we're sending you back.

You goddamn Martian. I'm here to deport you. And I have Brian, so you have to listen to me. But I don't have to listen to Brian. Say Frankfurt Podcast? Correct! Yeah! The craft is not trash, it's not free! Send it to the dog zoo for an hour! Come on! You know the number! 1-900-1-900-Frankfurt

1-900-1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-1-900-Frankf myself ruler of all Hot Dog-o-Me. From each of your kingdoms send to me your finest warriors, your champions, your... Supremes! Erin Crosden! Adrian H! Aiden Mouat! From the Kingdom of Nolenberg, it's...

Alex Nolenberg! A mighty little meat! Alpha Scientist Jarbo! Unendi! Armando Nava Bim Talza Do not disgrace your kind! You're disgracing your kind right now aren't you?

Brandon Garlok Brian Saylor Burrito Serol Cheddar Wolf From the Kingdom of Cheddar Wolfia Who had a really cool design but just never got a moment Clementine Danger Common Sense Greg Lemoine half man half horse all man

whoever's Daniel Sloan given the rogue supreme David Schull has a sword that commands God That really fucks up the stakes. Can you leave it at home? Dean Costello Delta Foxtrot dog Doug Redmond Wild and Free, who has vowed not to disgrace his kind, oh god damn it Doug Redmond already? Drayson, Dusty's rad title is a swamp hag who looks pretty good when you're drunk? Fancy Shark, Gareth, Chilla Ho, Good Satan, Good Satan and his Hot Witches Comes with Special Wings, Special Decorative Wings Not for Flight, Greg Cunningham, Haraka, Harvey Pinguini, Honk,

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Joseph Sears. Josh S. Joshua Graves. From the Kingdom of Justinia, Justin V is V is beautiful and no other thing it's what the B stands for Kent Basley K & M Kummutsas Lane Hagood Lisa is a magician who put her mind in the body of a hawk just so she wouldn't have to walk M Jahi Shepel Mark Mahoney has vowed not to disgrace his

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with a sword that makes polite requests of God. That's more reasonable. Teth-H, Thomas Kavatsos, Tibulehi, Toasty God, Tameji. Velo turns into a mighty Chimera when angered, or aroused, or confused. He might actually just be a Chimera. Booster, Wayland Brussels, Zack, and Ava. Wild and free Centaur champions who ride into battle on one another. Each of their human parts on the horse parts but not their own. It's complicated. And finally, from Danonia comes young, quick and deadly Dan B.

Hooray, Dan B. You only have seconds to do something cool before this whole thing gets cancelled.