The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 199, Horror Fight! with Dirk Marshall

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

Seanbaby & Zak Koonce welcome special guest, Dirk Marshall to the DOGGZZONE to discover who would win in a fight between the DOGGZZONE panel and some of cinemas most notorious villians, (also the Jeepers Creepers guy) Happy Halloween! We're giving out mouth guards, check it for razor blades... Fun!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Hello everyone and welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 Hot Dog, America's last comedy website. The dead internet is no longer a theory, it's real and it's an unceasing golem of pure murderous instinct that will not stop until it wipes us all out. If you hate that and you want to try to stop it, you should consider supporting the final girls of the internet. 1900hotdog. You'll find real comedy written by real people. I'm your guest host, Zach Koontz of the Arlnots. Call me Charles

Band the way I'm conducting these hoes. With me is the Jeeper to my creeper, Sean Baby. Hi, it's tough to follow the hose thing. I'm also great with hose. Thank you for having me here on my podcast. Yeah, it's good to have you here. Special times. Joining us today is special guest and designer of Fax Machine Face, the runner up submission in the Hellraiser 3 Create a Centabyte

Contest, Dirk Marshall. Thank you for having me. I'm very excited to witness firsthand how much of this episode will be the two of you discussing the sexualized trades of Grace Jones and Dolph Lundgren. Oh, damn. We do that a lot, don't we? Yeah. God, can you imagine how beautiful that must be when they fuck? It's just you can't say that and then not just start going off onto a vision quest. Just a spiritual experience,

a yin-yang symbol swirling around. It is pretty bad though if you get called out for it, you're like, okay, yeah, we do. This does come up way too often. I honestly did not even know we did that. I thought I just talked about that every day. You're right. We think, and we're so ADHD,

we just think that it's the first time we do it every single time and bring it up. Yeah. It's one of our landmines, one of our mental landmines. Sean, are you like a horror person? I know you're like tight with Full Moon Studios, but like. I do like Full Moon. Full Moon kind of vibes with my schlock.

I feel like horror is real low on my list. Like I like, it goes Kung Fu, action, sci-fi, several more genres and then horror. Okay. So I appreciate bad movies. I'm not sure there is such a thing as a good horror movie. Maybe that will help you calibrate my taste, but it's really hard to find a bad horror movie that I like.

It could be argued because we're just getting out of that whole elevated horror phase, which I kind of found annoying personally. But I know Dirk grew up just steeped in this stuff. We're just getting out of that whole elevated horror phase, which I kind of found annoying personally, but. Yeah. I know Dirk grew up just steeped in this stuff. Your expertise here I think is gonna be key to everyone's survival. I can't say it's ever helped me in life,

but I did spend a lot of time alone watching horror movies. Just to be clear, I'm not someone that has like the scream pajama pants and that kind of stuff. Like I just liked the movies, just to be clear, I'm not someone that has like the scream pajama pants and that kind of stuff. Like I just, I just liked the movies. Just so people know. But yeah, your dad had a, had the video store. Yeah.

So, uh, you grew up with, I guess the coolest thing about horror movies was the box art. Like you'd go into the video store and you're like, these fucking boxes rule. One million percent. I had dead pit in my home as a kid. My, uh, my grandpa had like a distribution chain, so we'd get all those like demo reel movies.

And so we'd have the dead pit box would light up, like you'd hit the button and like the zombie coming out, his eyes would light up. And I'm like, this shit rules. There's like that one with the blood in the cover. There's like a plastic sheet. And then there's like the gooey blood you could shove around in the video store.

And I was like, okay. Dirk's just sitting there like, I see the appeal. I don't deserve any of these artifacts. They should be video store. And I was like, okay. Dirk's just sitting there like, I see the appeal. I don't deserve any of these artifacts. They should be with me. They should belong in a museum. No, I did. I saw it every day in the video store.

So a lot of that stuff, I mean, it feels like my childhood home. That's like why I even started a podcast was just cause I was like, oh wow, this stuff really left a mark on me outside of like impairing my social abilities with other humans. I love it. I love it. I love the weird creature effects and stuff from the 80s. I was drawing all the

gore stuff in elementary school and getting in trouble. So yeah, you probably get sent to the office a lot. A couple times. Yeah. Killer Segway, by the way, you brought your podcast up. Tell us a little bit more about that. Oh yeah. So it started out just like every episode is about a film and the guest has his profession. So if it's about a killer rat, then I have like an exterminator on and that kind of thing. And over time, it's grown because I got where I wanted to talk about weirder things that didn't quite tie in.

So I'll do everything from like a horror movie draft episode or just have people on with a weird theme. But I do still enjoy torturing completely random people that I've reached out to and asking them to watch very obscure movies and then share their life with me. So people should check that out. It's VHS, V-H-U-S. I like to name a podcast after a three times dead physical media. So I'm destined to get all the listeners. I've been listening. It's an awesome podcast. Your, your

horror drafts has got, have got me like shouting. If somebody makes it like the wrong pick, you know, or I'm kind of like, no, you should have won with the other one, man. Yeah, it's very, it's very sports, you know, I mean, obviously that's what it's supposed to, it's going. Yeah. I feel that sports investment, you know, that the real sports heads get that I've just never felt once in my life. Same. So it's nice.

Thank you. Sean, where can people find you? I'm killing this whole guest host thing. No, this really is excellent doing the plugs. The 1900 hot dog you plugged, you should check out our other podcast, Big Feets, which is a watch along of the insane show Mountain Monsters where a group of hillbillies goes into the woods to try to find the majestic

Bigfoot, immediately do and then get the shit kicked out of them by that creature. It's bi-weekly. It's more popular than a regular podcast, so you might already know about it. There's a chance, yeah. Today is probably going to be a mess and that's kind of my design. I feel like I've been the guest on your show several times where Robert has painstakingly crafted an amazing premise and then really worked, applied his craft to it to make it into an interesting podcast only to have you and I just completely derail it with useless

tangents and stupid anecdotes. So I was like, I'm going to put myself in Robert's shoes, I'm going to come up with that, you know, way too many notes for a thing that we're probably not going to get through. I've littered it with landmines. So this is going to be just I honestly, I have no idea. Are we doing like an RPG? Are we doing like a little bit? I'm going to DM just a bit here. The premise is obviously you guys on your website and your show deal

with cursed artifacts that don't belong in this world. And this list of movies, for reasons we'll discuss, I don't think should exist. And so we're going to deal with that with I'm calling it an audible. I'm going to do a one-time exemption for a premise that does not exist that I think should, which is your old monster hunting show.

Because every time you guys bring that up, I'm like, why doesn't that exist? And why does this shitty timeline have 11 Hellraiser films but no Sean Baby versus the monsters? Yes. You guys are going to beat up a bunch of monsters, you know? That was our pitch. We just went into the room and they're like,

so tell us about your show. I'm like, why are there so many Hellraisers? I should have a show. Why do karate on monsters? Why don't I do karate on Hellraisers? I think that's the solution. So we're going to have a little fun. We're going to beat up a bunch of monsters.

You guys are going to be in the world. But like, I'm not going to DM. I don't like Dungeons and Dragons. I think that's been well established on this show. Oh, famously. People talk about it all the time. That Zach fella hates Dungeons and Dragons. No, that D&D hater. Yeah, I know that fuckhead. So I'm going to like just kind of guide you guys through, but I'm on your side.

I want you to win. And because of that, I've also given you don't need to worry about that. I've given you the option of calling it back up where it might be necessary. So each film we talk about is going to have a roster of action heroes from the corresponding year. Oh, wow. These action heroes are from movies that are should not work but kind of do for a lot of rad reasons. And so you can call on them if you want. You don't have to. You could just bring them in right away just if you're curious to see who they are. You don't have to. You could just bring them in right away,

just if you're curious to see who they are. But we're going to start with Puppet Master, because I feel like Charles Band has come up now more than a few times on this show. But Puppet Master has really, in my opinion, is the original cursed artifact that led to just hundreds of films about stupid baby shit. Like, for whatever reason, Charles Band thinks that toys are the end all be all of horror

media and so we've got blood dolls. Yeah, I saw that pretty recently and it does not hold up. It's not good. It's like a really horny movie, but by someone who's never fucked. Like the love scenes are like, what am I looking at? What is this? It's just people necking and grinding. Yeah, I feel like it's a lot of full moon movies are like this where it's just based on an idea

and very, very little else. And so they're just, what if puppets were evil? And they're like, okay, we need 80, 90 and a half more minutes. They're like, nah, we'll figure it out in a day. Don't worry about it. Yeah. They're like, all right, need 89 and a half more minutes. They're like, nah, we'll figure it out in a day. Don't worry about it. Yeah. They're like, all right, I got this.

Psychics. Couple of them are really horny. One of them super weird. They fight puppets. Yeah. And they just, it's not. I love it. I don't know.

It writes itself. And then they find out it does not. It does not write itself. For something that launched like a whole studio, it's really boring. And I grew up watching these movies. It was like playing on HBO all the time when I'd go to friends' houses,

but I'd already watched it in the video store and tried to make it good in my mind. And I mean, it's got Blade, it's got Leech Lady. I mean, you have all these things really awesome, but there's just a lot of psychics with a lot of hair. The dude's hair is out of control. One guy has a lot of hair and with a lot of hair. The dude's hair is out of control. One guy has a lot of hair and not a lot of hair at the same time. It's truly bizarre.

It goes in directions you wouldn't expect hair to go. Yeah, that's the true puppet master. Yeah. So those of you who for some reason don't know, Puppet Master is a 1989 film where a cheeky little inventor, Andre Toulon, has stolen the secrets of Egyptian voodoo. I don't know what the deal is there, but it can animate inanimate objects. He chose puppets because why not? Why not?

And then Nazis are after him for his deadly secrets. He kills himself and now the hotel is haunted by little Nazi puppets. So these psychics are in the house for reasons and they all get attacked by puppets and it's all very adorable. And it's a bunch of things that I used to think were rad and in hindsight are kind of lame. So it's me and Dirk have to defeat these puppets? Yeah, sure.

And you know what? I'm gonna make it real nice for you because the movie basically, some of them team up but for the most part, it's just, each puppet has its own set piece. Yeah, I'm gonna, you guys get to fight Tunneler first. He's the little Nazi guy with the stubby drill. Yeah, if you look under a bed for any reason, you're probably fucked. Like that's where he gets you.

Curious people looking under beds for a long time. She looks right there for a long time to get that drill to the face. I think step one is just move really quickly. Like, I mean, he's got, that's how he gets you, is like you look under the bed too long, you hold still too long, he comes up and stabs you in the leg or the Achilles heel would be real bad.

So I think it's like you look under the bed, you pop open the bed, you sweep your arm real fast. Maybe you get a little drill, a little nick on the, ow, ooh, what was that? It's just constantly swatting, constantly kicking. You move like Frankenstein, a very amped up Frankenstein. You're immune to all his attacks. Just football, NFL punt kick motions all the way.

Yeah. I'm going to take a step over here, just high kicks. Let him get in the way. I'm going to go more tap dance. I'm just going to constantly keep the feet moving because they won't know what to do. They're like two inches tall. I think that'll keep me away from from Tunneler pretty well. I like that because it puts the movie into a new genre too. It's a tap dancing horror movie.

Yeah, it's just stomping and kicking. Just Gregory Hines. Nonstop. Yeah. That's the third fucking time Gregory Hines has come up in the last week. I don't understand what's going on. They've been completely unrelated. The dude's awesome. I get it. But just Eve of Destruction came up. What if he and Grace Jones and Dolph Lundgren? Oh shit.

Hear me out. Okay, I'm listening. The only way the puppets have a chance is if these three are just deep in some fucking and just don't notice anything. They're just dead to the world. That gives Tunneler a chance to just sit there for 10 minutes, just kind of nudging into your heel. Can we summon Gregory Hines?

That would free up Dirk to do something other than tap dancing. The only rule I have is that they have to be from the same year as the movie that the puppet was made. Oh, from 1989. Yeah. Okay, well, I don't think we need anybody. If we're just fighting a puppet with a drill on his head,

we're, yeah, we're, I don't even need a weapon. Like, I will kill even need a weapon. Like, I will kill this puppet on accident. I'm sure this has happened to other people. When you're like swapping out drill bits on your like, your power drill, sometimes you like hold the thing too long and it kind of spins in your hand and like just gives you a little, I feel like Tunneler is not even as bad as that. Like he's got a big chunky drill that doesn't really move that fast.

I feel like you could touch that thing for, and be all right. I want to try to grab that drill, let him turn himself on and just like spin himself into complete nausea. I feel like that'd be a really funny way to defeat that puppet. You think your grip strength, so this hubris might be what gets you then.

You're like, I can hold that drill. I got this. Yeah. Oh, hubris will definitely kill me in this game. I do have a question. Can, you know, I've only played a little bit of RPG for tabletop type games, but can Sean and I injure each other? Do we have some kind of buff? Oh, sure. Yeah. Oh, we can? Okay, I have to read. Yeah, I think turning you against each other is the only chance most of these puppets are going to have. Fair. I just, he's got the high kicks.

It'll never happen. I don't know. I put a, speaking of Nazis, I take a Nazi spiked helmet, I put it on Dirk's head, he's now a spear. Oh, no. So this could end badly, Dirk. Or it could end spectacular. This is the death any great man deserves.

OK, let's hear it. Well, let's use that ingenuity on my favorite, Pinhead. He's the little muscle guy. Well, let's use that ingenuity on my favorite, Pinhead. He's the little muscle guy. He's got not quite human-sized hands. That's fucked up because a dwarf actress plays his hands. So he's got dwarf hands, but they're strong hands. They're strong enough to maybe knock you out after 15 to 20 punches.

Dude, I love this punch so much. The question is, can you take several hundred punches to the face for pinhead before you find a way to take them out? I'm a white guy kickboxer. So my number one ability is taking an ass kicking. That's my, on the My Fighter stance, it says ass kicking, taking nine out of 10. It's pretty strong.

Speed, lung capacity, those are a little low. Ken Chong Li, Snap My Shit in Half, yes, that is the answer. Yeah, yeah, that's my role in that movie. I do enjoy this puppet a lot, because he does punch, that's his main weapon is punching. Punch and grab, he's got big grab attacks too. He'll grab your ankle, like it hurts, I guess. Yeah, sure.

Did he ever punch a man, like there's that scene where he's just pounding on that lady. He just punches women. And it's like it hurts, I guess. Yeah, sure. Did he ever punch a man? There's that scene where he's just pounding on that lady. She just punches women. Yeah, and it's like, this is fucked up. This is fucked up, puppet. But then she will remember halfway into the beating that, oh yeah, this is a puppet, and just pick him up and throw him, because he has puppet mass.

He's not like, possibly dense. And he's got no dynamite in those fists. Either that or she's got a jaw of solid steel. Like she's... Yeah, no, she's tough. Yeah. So yeah, she'll just pick him up every few punches and throw him. And I feel like they did that beat in my head at 70 times.

I feel like they did that so many times. I kind of drifted off and woke up and like, she's still just getting socked in the face by this guy and throwing him around. Punch, punch, punch, throw. Punch, punch, punch, throw. She's really acting the shit out of this puppet fight. So yeah, there's no chance.

I would use this puppet as an alarm clock. I would let him punch me awake. He's got this adorable sort of surly grumpiness to him too that I like. They all make their own little noises and he's like, mmm. And he's got a nice sweater. He's ready for winter. He's got a beautiful, he's got that dock worker kind of thing. He's not quite Nazi level as the other ones are. He's more like, you know what?

I'm working. I got a job, even though it's World War II and shit's going on. This one's kind of easy because she pops his head off, just like a little cork. She's just, and then there goes, and he puts it back on. Yeah, he can put it back on. There's got to be a more. And you could do that all day.

If you have to pop a puppet's head off 11, 12 times a day, I can fit that into my schedule. He might give up after a while. He might just be like, you know what? This sucks. I'm not getting anywhere. Puppet Master doesn't get enough credit for dodging the 1980s-ness of the movie.

These puppets are a lot of different things. One has a tiny head and big fist. One has a drill. One spits leeches, but they're not like racially insensitive, like the Aiden's could really, you know. And their Naziness has been, had a funny journey too, because then after the first movie came out,

then they made two and then they realized, oh, people actually like these things, let's retcon them into, oh, now they're like dark reflections of the Nazis that tormented Toulon. So they're, you know, they're, they're, they're good in that sense where they're not like, you know, real Nazis. But then eventually over the course of 70 or 80 films, they become Nazis again. And people seem to really think that's awesome. So I don't know where the puppet master franchise stands now and who likes it, but I don't have a good feeling about it. Well, Craig Zoller from that, you know, that did Drag Across Concrete

and whatever that other 90s. What is that? Brawl and Cell Block 99. He wrote one of the big like Nazi ones of Puppet Master. Yeah, like Masters of the Axis or some shit. I don't remember the names of them. Genius. Axis of Evil. Yeah, that's close. Littlest Right. remember the names of them. Axis of Evil. Yeah, that's close. Littlest Rike.

Like the names of them become very like, what's that? That's fucking rad. What's 10 levels above dog whistle? Littlest Rike is really good. Like I can see the appeal of Nazi puppets. You say, oh, they're evil puppets. I don't care. They're Nazi puppets, huh? All right. Okay.

Did you say Littlest Rike? Okay, let's try it out. I think that's a weird one too, because you got people from like Reno 911 in it. Like it's just it's a weird movie, man. I watched and kind of couldn't believe. I retained none of it. I remember there's a lot of glory kills but so now you guys are tired. You're a little sleepy. You take a nap now. I guess you're taking it together. Yeah, it's okay. I'm keeping the punch puppet alive in case we need to wake up quick. Okay, sure, sure. Well, you do because you wake up to the sounds of just the cutest little lustiest

doll moans ever. And you wake up to this little doll lady puppet just just caressing your nipples with her lips. It's just okay. How do you I remember this scene? How does anybody feel about this? What do you what goes through your head when you wake up and there's a little weird rubbery wooden woman just like moaning with your nipples, through your nipples? I guess I'd think what an, a completely ordinary day because I am a super creep like that. The number of sex puppets I have.

I don't know if this is one of those scenarios where like, because this is being done to one of the horny weirdos. And so horniness is his demise, I guess as well. Like, I don't know if you weren't that horny would Ms. Leech still like get horned up for you like that? Or? Yeah. I think that's the only approach.

I don't think horniness will be like the ironic death that kills me. I don't know. I feel like you've given us another puppet that doesn't seem a big threat. Like, she squirts one regular ordinary, like, river leech out every 10 minutes? 10 minutes, I'd say.

Yeah. You have to hack this thing slowly. We can talk about the audio treatment they give there. It's like exactly the sound of, like, a reverse blowjob. I don't even know how else to describe it. It's just like... Yeah, it takes one blowjob out of your life if you play it.

Yeah, it's like, it's just got Gok spelled backwards I think is the, they put some finesse on it that I did not enjoy. I thought that was a really weird choice and I had to take a break. I think I'd see the Leech Woman and be like, okay, I'd like to say that I wouldn't go, let's see how this plays out,

but I might, that's probably what I'm gonna think. But the second the, okay, I'd like to say that I wouldn't go let's see how this plays out. But I might. That's probably what I'm going to think. But the second the starts going on, I'm gonna make a choice. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna swatter off like a spider. Leech woman might be the first one that dies because she in the second one, they're like terrorizing this hillbilly couple in a cabin and she gets thrown into a furnace and I think that's it for Leech Woman.

I feel like if you have to make a cut, you're gonna cut the puppet that squirts leeches. They replaced her with a guy with that helmet you described earlier and a blowtorch for an arm and bullets for teeth. So I think they made the right choice. That guy ruled. Super big improvement, yes. I like the retcon of Miss Leech too

because once they became like dark reflections of evil people. Andre Toulon's wife was killed by a Nazi soldier and so he put his wife's soul into this doll. I'm like, sir. Okay. And she's a fucking leech. Yeah. Why is your wife the horniest weird little puppet of them all?

Like she's the only one with with a sex drive. Yep. Toulon is hot. Toulon is, he's a freak like that. He's got that seductive voice. I gave her reverse suck powers. That's my wife, ladies and gentlemen. All that leaves is Jester. I guess he's the heart of the team. He's the only one that really expresses emotion. So he'll spin his little face and turn into sadness

if there's a real bummer thing happening to the puppets or, you know, something bad news. He seems handy, like he's kind of like a good barometer of the tone of the next scene. Right. You're forgetting there's that little buspervert puppet that just has a knife. Blade, yeah. Yeah, Blade.

I have it written down, I just glossed over it. Blade, yeah. He's probably... Yeah, he's the most... He's also not much of a threat. He's not. I would say old me, teenage me, who loved full moon movies, like unironically, would be like, yes, he's the deadliest one of all.

But then you see it and it's like a little a little letter opener knife and this like kind of kind of a hook that you maybe hang a picture off of, you know, like a wall mount. He's adorable. But yeah, he's a little Gestapo guy. You know, when he gets excited because he has eyeball erections to happen. Yeah. He does. He, he does. He gets sprung. He's like, wowza.

It's like a Tom and Jerry cartoon effect. Yeah, all these puppets have way too many ways to express horny. I don't like this at all. Please end this puppet. How are you going to take out Blade? I guess I'll tear him gently in half with my human strength. There you go. I kind of feel like that it should have been.

It's boring, but that should have been, it's boring, but that should have been the solution to all of them. Just pull that stuffing out. They did actually strip tunnel or naked at one point and I'm thinking of part two actually. I keep getting the two mixed up because they're both just so fucking boring. Two is better than one, that's why.

Two is better than one for like all day. It's still not good. There's a scene everyone should maybe look up where like they have a lady in, and I think they're trying to do like a Peter Venkman thing where he's like this pervert scientist hitting on the subject. And they're like, okay, detect this lady's erotic fantasies.

And he's like, why are you thinking about a horse on the beach? And it's like everything just is landing with a thud. And they keep doing the bit for, it feels like 40 minutes. It feels like an eight-year-old trying to write a sex scene based on Fabio novels that he's looked at. Also, it's trying to be funny, which is another one of those, it's 100% not. So you're like, what are we doing here? Is this really happening in the movie or are we fucking doing a Ghostbusters? Charles Band kind of has that thread running through all of his movies. This like not quite getting sexiness, funniness, coolness. I've looked into him just enough to make sure that he wasn't some sort of like sex criminal.

I have his autobiography and I also have a book. It's called I Am a Sex Criminal. It's called I Think Confessions of a Puppet Master. But in defense, one thing I'll say in of a Puppet Master. Yeah. OK. But in defense, one thing I'll say in defense of Puppet Master is that if you've ever watched, like you're with the family, let's say, and you're watching Nightmare Before Christmas, and you see Dr. Finkelstein there, and you're like,

I wish I could see him shoot himself in the face. Well, you can watch Puppet Master because actually William Hickman does just that. William Hickman is that. William Hickman, yeah. He blows himself away in pretty dramatic fashion. William Hickie is one of those actors that is just always seen 90, but in that scene they're making him move this gigantic puppet truck around. And I feel like it's just him doing it. And like, this is really sad. Like somebody please help him. I know that he's alone in this room technically, but let's break the fourth wall this one time and help him get this

fucking thing in the in the storage. You should get Pinhead in there. He could do something. Yeah, I kind of set you guys up with an easy one. The puppets are just they're not a threat. They're adorable at best. So I think we can say, oh, did you want to know who your roll call was for your backup in case you needed it? 1989, it gave us Brian Kelly from Gleaming the Cube.

So he could use that red metal skateboard. Really handy. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Rip Thomas from No Holds Barred was also a 1989 film. I would have given you the entire cast of Best of the Best. Oh, Alex Grady. An arm wrestling scene in Puppet Master was with with Rip and Pinhead. Yeah, Rip and Pinhead.

That would be the cover. That's your box cover. That's your box cover. Over the tiny top. Now, we're close. Over the tiny top. Littlest Rip. Your last hero would have been Nick Parker from Blind Fury. And I think he kind of would have had the final say on what happens with puppets.

That seems fair to have a blind samurai fighting puppets. I feel like that's what Puppet Master was missing is some sort of a versus element. Puppet Master versus Psychics would have accurately described the movie and been a much better title. I have some good news for you because there's approximately 75 films with Puppet Master versus in the title. I understand, but I'm saying that's, they figured it out quick, just like we just did, I suppose.

I wish there was like Puppet Master 37 Puppets Versus Blind Man. Just that's it. Puppets Versus Blind Samurai. You know, it's I would have liked that. He would have been like, oh, I'd buy that. You know, doing that, scanning the environment with his ears and listening for Leech Woman's lustiness. Yeah, before doing a fucking comedy bit where it's like, oh, I can't see, so I'm going to

eat a rock. Classic Nick Parker. I love that fucking movie. That movie is so good. It's so good. Moving on. 1992, Hellraiser 3. To date, like I said earlier, there's 11 Hellraiser films. I would argue that 10 of them don't need to exist. Eight of them have no right to exist at all.

I don't know. The first two movies kind of did their thing. They were an innovative take on whatever, psychosexuality and masochism. And I think by three, somebody said, enough of this Sigmund Freud bullshit. We want people want some pinhead. And it just turned into a slasher movie and they ran out of ideas. And it should that should have been the end of it. So you guys are going to help end it. I'm going to give you some centibytes to fight. So this is going to be a little different.

Your first centibyte is Pistonhead. He's the former club owner that is responsible, J.P. Monroe, yeah, he's responsible for unleashing Pinhead. Pinhead used that kind of opening that you and I aren't so different. We're both like super into flesh and dominating it. And then that leads into him becoming... You make love to women and then discard them. I run hell in a lot of ways. We're basically the same dude. We should bro down. Out of all these cento bites in this film, this one's probably the least corny one. It's got a weird kind of a surreal thing going on.

But I guess it's the pistons pumping through his head is like because he's always got thrusting on the brain. I really stretched to try to figure this one out. And it's just... I think it was just something they like figured out how to do with practical effects and said, this looks fucking awesome. I don't think they're wrong. It looks pretty awesome.

Yeah, it's a neat thing. It's a neat trick they did. Hellraiser 2 was like one of my favorite movies growing up. Like I just unabashedly loved the movie. And when 3 came out, I was of unabashedly loved the movie. And when Three came out, I was of age to see it in the theater. And I can't explain how sad I was for the entire experience of this movie. It was, by the time you get to the centibyte that shoots the CDs out of his head. I was physically angry. I just can't.

Yeah. I can't even deal with it. I can see that. The CDs remind me that I feel like the key to defeating a Hellraiser situation is not to be near anything because like, Right. Because Hellraiser like runs into the club and anybody near anything gets killed, like ironically by that thing. Like, oh, you like ice in your drinks? Then be stabbed by ice forevermore. You're like, okay, she's ice in your drinks? Then be stabbed by ice forever more.

You're like, okay, she's just getting a drink. Her whole personality is not lady getting a drink. I feel like you just don't wanna be near the CDs or Pinhead will be like, you are the CD guy forever. So I don't know. I feel like that's a tip that me and Dirk need to keep in mind. Just kind of stay near nondescript things

or multiple things at once, just like a pile of stuff. If I was a good DM at all, I would take every opportunity I could to turn that on you. I'm like, oh, you're standing on grass? Welcome to earth, grass man. God damn it. You love it. Your arms are little old school mowers.

I throw some sand on the ground. There are two biomes. Pinhead cannot pick between them. That's pretty good. I'm just naked in the middle of the room, away from everything. You're halfway to becoming a Cenobite then. It's almost over for you. Peel off some strips and you're there. That's true.

Does Pistonid have any ranged weapons? He's got nothing. He's got nothing. He's just a sex pest with a motor on the side of his head. And me and Dirk are unarmed at least right now. Sure. Are we in the club? Where are we? Well, no, you're on the streets.

These guys are all encountered. We first see JP at a construction site. So you're outside, you're outdoors, you got space. OK. This is in 1992. Can we call, is this the right year, Simon Phoenix? Can we call Simon Phoenix? No.

But I got one. I could do you one better. Well, maybe not better, but it's adjacent. It's John Cutter from Passenger 57. Okay. Yeah, that is really adjacent. It's adjacent. I would say you'd probably prefer Simon Phoenix, but I don't know if his chaotic nature would benefit you

in the long run. You might not want him running. No, he would betray us and say something really mean. Dirk and I, we always betray us and say something really mean. Dirk and I, we always bet on black. All right, you guys are off to a good start. Yeah, okay, cool. We call Wesley Snaps from Passion 57 and say we've got a real easy one for you.

This guy's got shit in his head and he sucks. Oh man, what is one-liner G? He's gonna have something to say about it. Oh, that's your challenge. You come up with a one-liner. JP is done. OK, you guys got to do it. Looks like you got engine troubles. Kick his head off. I guess I'd like to hear maybe one more, but, you know,

I think JP dies from this one, though, for sure. Yeah, I just pissed in your breakfast cereal. JP's fucking just ignites into flames. He's done. He's, he just got sent back to hell. All right, yeah, Piston Head's dead. He burst into flames from this lethal pun. And now you're, now you're faced with the Dreamer.

This is a naive, sexy, hot, homeless girl who for some reason can't dream. I don't know why that matters or who fucking cares, but she can't dream. That's how Pinhead gets her. He's like, girl, you want to dream? I got dreams. Just let me just tear your throat open and just plant a jam of cigarette in there that'll

burn for eternity. You're good to go. So now she could dream. I don't know what the fuck her theme is or what the hell it's supposed to go or what cigarettes have to do with dreaming, but go for it. Fucking send Dreamer back to hell. You've got an open flame on your neck in an action movie. It's over for you.

Everyone knows what's happening. Hairspray in a match, I don't think there needs to be more discussion. If you got an open flame on your neck, that's how you're going to die quickly. I think that works. I think she's done for. And that being said, Wesley Snipes strikes me as the kind of guy who likes to kick a cigarette out of a neck, just to show that he can. He's kind of, hey, like I feel like when things get slow

at a party, Wesley Snipes kicks cigarettes out of people's necks. That would have really come in handy if you had the best cast on that last one. They literally do that. Yeah, that's true. That's awesome. If that doesn't work as a backup,

I say I would open the gas tank to one of the parked cars on the street and then Sean would deliver something kind of along the lines of like tanks for the memories or something and then kick her face into the car causing the car to explode. Okay, it would go up. I'll take that too. Just like it would just graze it. It would just detonate. So good job. Dreamer is toast. By the way, these aren't real centibytes. When I looked up on the Hellraiser Wiki or whatever, they're called like para centibytes or something like that. Somebody tried to retcon them, like their lameness into being like, no, no, no.

They're not. If you went to hell, they wouldn't be there. They're not like they're half formed. So I think death rules do apply to these guys. I think they can be blown up quite. How little do you have to have in your life when you're like sitting at home trying to like reconcile the lameness of one hellraiser? Now, come on, guys. We can we can fix this.

Exactly. You're telling me Pistonhead would be there with Butterball? I doubt it. Leviathan would fucking shut that guy down at the door. There's a Cenobite named Butterball. Yeah, he's the. He's one of the originals. He's the fat guy down at the door. There's a centibyte named Butterball. Yeah, he's the big guy. He's one of the originals.

He's the fat guy. It's unfortunate. I'm not a big Hellraiser guy. I've seen this one. Is this the only one you've seen? Just three. Probably. Just three, yeah.

You got to at least watch four. Four is a Sean baby classic. Let's try it. Four was almost received an Alan Smithy credit. That's the one with Adam Scott, right? Yes, Adam Scott is in it. That's his debut. Okay.

His film debut. That's the last one that's gone to theater. As a French dandy. I saw that in theater too. I was shocked. I had fun. I was like, that movie was fun. It sucked.

Complete shit. It goes to space. It was fun. Yeah. Space, why not? Yeah. I like the sound of that. He does the same thing too. He's like, oh, you're twins?

Guess what? You're centered by twins now. That's your whole thing. You just can't let anything pop into his head when you see Pinhead. He went from being horny BDSM demon to just straight up the Wishmaster. Everything was a pun.

Everything was literal. Well, it's because the first one was Clive Barker. Yeah. And he directed it and he's like the ultimate like, like horror sex dude. And then after that, everyone's like, like you said, Wishmaster, they're just like combining, oh, you're like, Nike's your Nike guy. Good luck. Always running. Yeah. I do enjoy that Clive Barker said he came up with this idea while he was experiencing a BDSM club for the first time. That's probably maybe one of the most unique origins for a horror franchise I've ever heard. He's like, I was with my husband and we were just watching a bunch of leather dudes

fucking spank each other and I was like, this would be a great movie. Call it Hellraiser. I think he was scared though. He was a little intimidated because he'd never seen anything like that before He was still young so like the horror he was feeling he was like I need to channel this into something fucking rad That will eventually turn into

CD head the DJ from JP's nightclub. His body is now a walking infinity disc changer He throws CDs at you and all of his joints sound like an old CD tray opening and closing. Every move he makes is the annoying sound of a CD tray opening and closing. Please kill me. Kids today wouldn't even know what the fuck he's throwing at him. He's just something that the kids would look down at the objects together, their chest and be like, oh, is this the thing my parents used to listen to Belmiff Devo on? That girl is poison.

Poison? You will never trust a big butt and a smile again. You are now big butt and a smile demon. I do like that song though, Pindad. Thank you. Yes, I should be thankful that I'm not CD-ed. I do want to see big butt and a smile demon now. They don't even have good names either. Some other thing like Transformers you'd have like add a Tron to everything or you know there's like a Hellraiser has none of that.

There's no like you know Simulacacron or something. It's just CD head. So it'd be big button smile head. That's as far as it goes. Yeah that sucks. I do like that the original lady in the first Hellraiser. Do you know what her name originally was? Vagina Throat.

Oh, I think she's just Lady Cenobite now, right? That's her official Vagina Throat. Neither one of those are good. It's the whole vanity situation where he's like, your Vagina Throat. She's like, I don't think so. And they're like, all right, you could just be Lady Cenobite. Fair enough. You win this round, Lady Cenobite. Would you do a CD head though? He's like your vagina throat cheese like I don't think so and they're like, all right, you could just be like fair enough

You win this round lady centibite. Would you do a CD head though? Would you just like I feel like I want to get on it now too Like you just throw water on him like what's his uh, oh you put a sandwich in the CD tray. There you go Boom, he's fucking dead little peanut butter and jelly I assume mm-hmm like every parent has happened to their electronics put a grilled cheese sandwich in I I guess we'll have to ask Wesley Snipes what to say. He'd say maybe, this song is really cheesy. Kick their head off.

I get it. I feel like Wesley Snipes is running out of steam a little bit though. So I'm going to send you Barry Gabruski from Sidekicks. He's there to help now. Okay. Is that the Chuck Norris character or the kid character? No, it's the kid. It's Jonathan.

Okay. Even better. Yeah. Oh, man. The kid that just pretends that he's Chuck Norris' best friend. That's his special skill. It leads to real karate. Like, he gets real karate from these daydreams.

It's the sucker punch for boys? Like, the whole thing takes place in, like, a traumatized bully's imagination? No, sucker punch is the sidekicks for pedophiles. That should go on the fucking criteria on collection. Yeah, put on the side. So we've killed CD head. I feel like getting close enough to put the sandwich in, I might've taken a couple of CDs.

Okay, so you're giving yourself some damage, some CD damage. I'll take a little damage from walking up to CD man with a sandwich. You know what though, it turns out that's not that bad. It's just a CD. I think you're going to be okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could throw these up. I threw these at my brother all the time. That's just a normal thing to do.

He never once died. So maybe Barry Gabruski can help you with our next Cenobite, Barbie. He's the former bartender. You know he likes to sling drinks, So why not make it his whole thing? He's walks around with a shaker and just makes spicy concoctions. They burn you alive. He's the worst. I think it's easy to say the other ones are the worst, but he just really sucks. He just has this. He has a fucking cocktail shaker. Like that's literally what he has. And he has to throw, he has to aim it, and he has to hit his target with it so that he can set it on fire. This is exactly what I'm saying. It's just, some dude was near a cocktail shaker and pinheads like, ah, you are yours.

Day job forever. I guess I'm gonna pick up the kid from Psychics, and it's gonna sound brutal, but I'm gonna use him as a human shield so I can run up and kick his head off. I wanna say in my defense, I think that he was imaginary in that movie. So if I'm holding this kid, I think this is his psychic projection, not an actual human child.

Well, I think he's real, but his you could use his psychic projection. Whenever he's doing a dream sequence with Chuck Norris, he turns into this like grown man, white ninja, so that you don't have to see his face. So I think that is that who I'm holding. I think you can hold his yeah, his psychic projection. OK, so I'm holding the psychic projection adult stuntman ninja. Right. And that's he's going to eat all the fire from the Molotov. That guy's pretty fucking shaker. Yeah.

So I think he's going to. Yeah. He's going to do the sweet ass like burn man. Burn stuntman move where he walks around with his arms flailing. Like that Frankenstein walk. Love that walk. Yeah. So I throw that at the, I'm not going to kick his head off anymore. I think I'm going to throw my flaming dear friend white ninja at cocktail man.

I can't remember his name. Drink face, drink head? Drink face. It's drink head. Yeah, yeah. Because he's also, get this, he ran a bar. Great. Bar, he makes sense.

But that's not it. He's also wrapped in barbed wire. So now you've got two barbs in there. Maybe the most genius fucking creation of this whole series. We're all very impressed. They did it. I do like this director, by the way. I feel bad because he made the Waxworks films, which I think are a lot of fun. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then he was given a shot here. I think he blew his shot clearly. I don't think he directed anything else after this. Was this a 3D movie? No. No. You're forgetting the most important Cenobite of this entire movie, which is Camera Head.

Yes. He's a Cenobite with- We are rolling. That's a wrap. He's got puns. He's got a sweet fucking mustache. He's the only Cenobite that I know of that has a Hulk Hogan mustache. He calls people bitch, so he's got a real anger about him too. Because he's just got this big mutant head now with a broadcast quality camera shoved into the side of it. He's probably the most powerful out of all of them, I would say.

Not only does he have this pneumatic lens that can just punch a hole through your head, but he also can make shit explode if there's a TV on it, I guess. I don't know. I don't know what happened in that scene. Something exploded and he clearly was responsible. So you guys are in trouble now. Who do we have left in our sidekick arsenal? Jimmy Boland from Bloodfist 3, Born to Fight. That's Don the Dragon Wilson. Don the Dragon Wilson, yeah.

Yeah, 100%. I used the text from that poster on one of the Big Feet's intros. It's a good font. The blood is good shit. That's as far as fonts go. They that's the classic. I can't remember the copy that the tagline, but it was like the best blood fist of all time. It's some amazing.

Was there like eight blood fists? I think there's there's a lot. I lost track of maybe he goes to jail in this one. I know that he gets like he tries to pretend he's black. There's some really kind of lost track of him. Maybe. He goes to jail in this one. I know that. He tries to pretend he's black. There's some really secondhand embarrassment scenes in this movie, for sure. Wait, do we get Don the Dragon Wilson in blackface? Because that's going to really change the tone of my catchphrase.

Oh, shit. Let's just keep it clean. Don the Dragon Wilson from the movie. He's done some time. He's jail. He's jail hardened. Okay, Don the Dragon does not have memorable catch catch phrases. So I feel like his is going to suck. He'll be like time to cut like something that just doesn't hit right. Right.

But it will be a good shot because we'll get to see a POV shot of camera head while he's getting killed by Don the Dragon Wilson. And then it'll like flicker out to static. I think that'll be a great ending to this scene. Perfect, because I feel like Don the Dragon Wilson does do finish a lot of guys with POV attacks, doesn't he? Isn't that like a thing in his movies? I don't know if it's a thing, but yeah, it sounds familiar. I feel like it is. I'm going to say it is.

It'd be a waste of his handsomeness if you didn't do it. Right. You want to see what it's like to get fucked up by Don the Dragon Wilson firsthand. I was wrong earlier. There's nine Bloodfist movies. Nine Bloodfist movies? Sounds about right. I feel like every time I went to the video store, there was a new Bloodfist movie. And I'm like, dude, I was here last weekend. What is this? So, yeah, camera heads dead.

Don the Dragon Wilson just kicked his fucking lens off. The POV shot was what got him. He's like, I can't believe I provided a new unique camera angle to die from. I just really wanted to talk about that movie. This that's the really the purpose of all of this. It is a pretty great movie. I like that it started with a big statue that eats people, but it like you have to get them close to the statue.

You're like, come on over here to get closer to the statue. Yeah. Don't you really want to take a look at it now? Not really. It's like four percent more fleshy every time it eats someone. Yeah, it's you really want to take a look at it? No, not really. It's like 4% more fleshy every time it eats some. Yeah, it's a little uninspired. I don't think I needed a closer look, but then he shoots chains out anyways. So it's like, how, what is the reach on those chains? Yeah, definitely nonsense. I'm starting to think that the logic is inconsistent in Hellraiser. Did you guys watch the new one? Yep. What'd you think? That was too quick. Um, I re I liked the female Hellraiser type.

If I'm going to be completely honest, I got a little nerdy over like they have to like lead you when you're opening the puzzle. That didn't never seem like that was necessary before. But I mean, I don't know. I think people get so precious with these things when they forget that like maybe the first two are watchable and there's 10 other ones. So I didn't exactly get bent out of shape for it. I like the idea of a lady hell raiser.

Yeah. Where she could show up. The voice was cool. Lady pinhead could be like, all right, I'm gonna torture you forever, but you get to have sex once. Like I think that'd be really funny, her going around to like incels and trying that pitch.

It'd be like a real easy day for a lady hell raiser, I think. Like, it's a real easy day for Lady Hellraiser, I think. Like, it's a deal. It's a deal. She's like, shit. That's some good design quality in it too. I didn't love that just anybody could be taken. They became victims of a person.

I get it. It's a big allegory for like how addiction destroys everyone around you. We're going on to a real controversial one here. Jeepers Creepers. This is a tough fight. It's a tough fight for several reasons. Except wait, wait, wait, wait. There's a scene in Jeepers Creepers where he's in the highway and they like try to hit him with the car and he just does like a little Jackie Chan run over the car. He does a Jackie Chan run over the car. Yeah, he does a rush hour. Yeah, and he does it again. He does a Jackie Chan run over the car. Yeah, he does a rush hour. Yeah, and he does it again.

He does another Jackie Chan rush hour over the car. If I remember, 185 times they do this. And they finally like fuck up the timing of it. Yeah. Yeah, and then after that, they just keep running them over. And like, I feel like you've given us the perfect way to defeat him because he obviously cannot resist

this Jackie Chan run. He could have at any time just walked off the highway or... He loves it. Yeah, he could have just moved to the side at any point. Yeah, it's like a vampire counting rice. It's like, no, if you drive at him at 10 miles an hour, he has to Jackie Chan run over your car. Um, so yeah, we already know his weakness.

My experience with this film was I didn't know anything about it or who made it. I went to go see it and I really loved the first, I don't know, 30 minutes. The idea of this like incredibly creepy truck with this guy who you could who was always like kind of off in the distance. That scene where they like drove by it and he turned around and saw them looking at him, I was like, this is going to be amazing. What is this movie? And then it just kind of oh, he's a big bat gargoyle thing.

He can't die. He likes kids. It's not the same movie anymore. And then. You know what stuck with me about that movie is the psychic lady shows up and she introduces herself. And she says, my name is Jizz L, gay hard man. And I was like, what the fuck did

that lady say her name was? I think that might have been the director trying to tell us something. Yeah. I'm like, did you let your nine-year-old name that character? Yeah, maybe a nine-year-old. Yeah, maybe. All right, this is getting dark. Let's get to the real meat of this.

I did read that this is based on a true story. Did you hear that? Yeah, he said there was a story of the driving part. Yeah, there's a guy named Dennis Depew that did murder his wife and a brother and sister drove by as he was disposing of the body. And then they were like, let's make that a movie. And yeah. And the thing that always stuck with me when I first saw this movie is I

who wasn't a fan, but the thing that always irked me was the personalized license plate that the creeper has. Beating you. Yeah, because I'm like, did he go to the DMV? He went to the DMV. I thought the exact I had the exact same conversation with my brother. Like, did this motherfucker go to the courthouse and like, yeah, put his paperwork down? Like, what is this shit?

And is he like, it's bee eating you and they're like, eating you and he's like, no, listen to me. It's bee. No, it's like, because I eat, right? I'm an eater. I wake up every 27 seasons and I eat people. So that's what I want people to, that's what I want this to convey. And his thing is that he could, he got whatever he ate from people. So he'd eat your eyes and then he'd get your eyes. Get your eyes, yeah. I don't know how that helped with the DMV. I guess he'd eat like a very patient person's pancreas. He's like, ah, now I can go to the DMV to get my personalized license plate for my super truck.

It is a classic, all right? I want classic plates. That truck, it's... Not the fish background. I don't want the salmon background on the license plate. Oh, that little salmon would have been so nice. Little sunshine. Oh, man.

Yeah, this movie falls apart so hard. If this movie wasn't so poisoned by its history, that would be a really fun sketch to do. Yeah. So I think you got it. You got the secret. You hit it with a car until he's like, you know, he's got to peel himself off the pavement, then you pull him in chains or something. That's what they do in the movie. You hit him with a car until he's like, you know, he's got to peel himself off the pavement. Then you pull the chains or something.

That's what they do in the movie. It works. Do we have any great drivers in our in our line? Do what we're going to do is we're going to take out the director, Victor. Yes. OK. Sean, are you familiar with Victor Salva? I'm not. OK. Buckle the fuck up. This guy. Oh, boy. And this is he made Jeebus Creepers.

After all, this happened on his first feature film debut, which was produced by Francis Ford Coppola, Clown House. He the lead actor was a 12 year old boy, I think. Victor raped him and he recorded himself doing it. So there is no question he did this shit and they found the tape, they found other tapes. He went to jail, he's a fucking pedophile. And then he gets out and gets to make fucking Jeepers Creepers.

He's just, cause there is no justice in this world. Wow. Francis Ford Coppa actually called his experience. Now I get why you were weird about me when I mentioned the nine-year-old. Yes. I get that awkward interaction. Yeah, Francis Ford Coppola actually called this an experience that would make him grow

as an artist. So Francis Ford Coppola is a piece of shit too. So you know what? We're going after him too. We're taking these two fucking dirtbags out and I'm giving you, you're calling in to help, you get Agent Carter from Rush Hour 2. That's perfect. You and Carter versus Victor Salva,

an overweight fucking child predator. I touch his radio. Oh, shit. Wait, Carter's radio or Victor Salva's radio? Oh, Carter, Carter's radio. Okay, so you set Carter off. Carter is like, now he's awakened. You've awakened his true form. He said so you set Carter off. Carter is like, now he's awakened.

You've been waking his true form. He said, oh hell no. He reacts in a pitch that is just, Salva's brain can't handle it. His fucking head, his eyeballs explode. Hey, you've been walking around with that Chris Tucker impression this whole time? I didn't even know I had it in me. I got a ruby rod in me. I could add that to my fucking resume.

But he's not down. His eyeballs exploded from Agent Carter's high pitched response to you touching his radio, putting the Beach Boys on or some shit. So we got to finish him off. So why don't you take Mark Dacascos' Manny from Brotherhood of the Wolf with you to finish off? Yeah, Dirk So why don't you take Mark Dacascos as Manny from Brotherhood of the Wolf with you to finish off? Yeah, Dirk, why don't you do the honors? I know you got a thing for justice against Victor Salva. I do. He's a big Dacascos head too. Full disclosure, that was my response the second Zach mentioned this episode is I was like, I don't know if I could talk about this piece of shit movie with this pedophile. Yeah, I was like, don't worry about it. I got you, bro. We're not even going to do that.

We're not even going to do the Jeeper. Amazing. Go to town. This is this is something that will this is just as he will never see in real life. So does it have to be related to Mark Dacascos in Brotherhood of the Wolf? No, you just got to only the strong. Yeah, you could do a Native American dude that's just super sweet at, you know, fighting. That's a yeah. I think if we're trying to go by my only rule, which is that the movie

has to be from the same year as 2001, I think only the strong was a late 90s film. So that's true. So was Drive. Drive is so good. So he still had that super kick in him. Yeah, I mean, it's in his. It's in his heritage. We've done a lot done a lot of head kicking and whatnot, but I really feel like Mark Dacascos, if he focused his energy, he could just groin kick him in half. Oh, hell yeah. That'd be sweet.

Nothing would give me more joy than that piece of shit just exploding in just a glorious puff of blood in the air. Just bone Tomahawk him in half. Yeah. With a dick kick. Just while Francis watches and is just like, no, but I gave you so many opportunities to be grace and terrible.

Yeah. And then what do you turn to? He goes, just wait, Francis, you're next because I have Jet Li for the one and he's got something to say to you. Oh, the one with the reggae dreads. Yes, that's what reggae dread one. OK, you got reggae dread one.

You've got party city blackface jet li on the one. Party city blackface jet li. Here's what I need you to do. I need you to go tell that man, Francis Ford Coppola, he was very, very wrong about how that pedophilia would increase his artistic growth. And then I need you to tear him in half dick first. And he'd say, where am I?

All two fatalities. What is this power? Well, then he'd say it in a Jamaican accent, which I'm not going to do. Jet Li would try, which I think would sound a little like this. Ha ha ha. Jamie, cut that. Cut the whole thing.

Biggest blue balls of all time. That who knows what I'm sure that Rasta Jet Li had some power, though. Who knows what order he was in the hit list? He probably because they all gradually experience an increase in power. So I think Rasta Jet Li, fucking Rasta Jet Li has more strength than a normal human enough to tear Francis Ford for sure have dick first, but he wouldn't know it yet.

He hasn't tried it yet. He's like, Oh my God, where did I get this terrible strength because there's been a lot of mortal combats over the years with a lot of characters. But Rastafari and Jet Li versus Francis Ford Coppola is the match. I want to say. Make it happen. Somebody with better AI technology than I have. Hey, I'm going to throw this in there, too, versus Puppet Masters. Dude, Rasta, Jet Li versus Puppet Master and Francis Ford Coppola.

Yeah. Charles Band, where you at? I know you're listening. I know you searched for blood dolls and found that episode of the Doc Zone 9000. Doll Man, where you at? All right, so closing out our movie monster mash of films that I don't think think should exist We're going with something a little more topical because there's a third one of out right now and it's doing gangbusters Apparently, but it's the terrifier I'm gonna caveat this by saying that I appreciate that a film like this can exist and I Sort of happy that it's doing well because it's a as independent as a film get. And it's kind of defying the odds of like what studios think people want. But at its core, the first movie is just so fucking mean spirited to the point where like, I hate it.

It's like hopeless and misogynistic in a lot of awful ways. And it's just, you know, it's just a gross film. I watched it and I was like, I don't want to do anything nice for the rest of the week. I'm done existing as a human right now. Art cannot be defeated and it just turns in the film from a horror movie to just a mean-spirited piece of torture. Yeah, it's a real hostile vibe. Like a hostile like the Eli Roth movie. So yeah, I guess he is, you say he can't be defeated, but he's really close to just a regular guy with a garbage bag of weapons. Yeah.

And like he'll come back to life if you kill him, but like he does feel pain, which I feel like you can kick his ass the best you can. Yeah, you can. Yeah. As long as you just stab him with something, he'll have to let you go. He does have a gun, which makes that's the the other thing that is iffy with a lot of slasher people because they're like, he just broke a rule. You can't just bust a gun out when you're losing

and just fucking shoot somebody. But it's kind of hilarious that he did that. He's like, oh, you're getting me. What am I going to do? Of all the moments in the movie, I was like, okay, I kind of like that one. That's a miserable sadistic movie. So you did watch that movie, right? I did. Yeah. Pretty recently, like a week ago, when you said I should learn about- Oh no.

When I said don't watch it. You said, yeah, at least read the Wikipedia. I'm like, I'll just put it on while I'm- Yeah. Yeah. I'm not a big clown guy. I don't think they're scary. The more stuff you put on their face to make them look like demons, I just think it's sillier. And so this was never like one that was for me. Like you said, I like the caveat that I'm excited for any, you know, independent thing that does this kind of business. But it's just, it's not for me. The first one, I mean, I saw the short, I found the first one really unpleasant. The second one, I get that people go, oh my God, the gore gags, but there's not much else there.

And so I don't know, I'll see them all, but they're already gonna do a fourth one. And I don't know. He says that's the final one. So we'll see how he feels. It depends on the money I had. What his wallet fills up. We got 12 or 15 puppet masters.

So. The whole grimy like Rob Zombie, Heelbilly type stuff, like there's no appeal there. This was like that in a city. Like it's just really grimy. And I was like, it's gross. You made a gross thing that's very unpleasant. It is very like hot topic clown. Yes.

Almost, almost boring. It's not quite a Juggalo clown, but it's like Spencer's. It's right there. Yeah. He's a fucking nerd at the very least. Oh, he's a huge nerd. Yeah, he's very much like I'm with you, Dirk. This is this these films are kind of like Conor McGregor for me.

Yeah, I I just want to see him lose more than anything, but I'm still going to pay to watch it maybe happen. You know, I'm going to go I'm going to shell out the bucks and go check it out. He's just kind of yeah, he's a goon. He's a fucking incel clown. That's his whole thing. If you saw the short, he carved some really awful, horrible incel type shit

into a woman for no reason. It's not like she did anything in the film to deserve it. He just does it. And then he meets that lunatic lady and she's like, Oh, I want to be your mommy. And he immediately just starts sucking his thumb. I'm pervert. That's it.

I'm like, yeah. And then he's like wearing her torso, right? He's wearing her breasts. Yeah. Fuck this movie, man. Take this guy out. Shoot this motherfucker. OK, so this was pretty recent movie.

So who do we have in our lineup? Who can we call on? Well, I'm going to start you with Yuri Boyka from Boyka Undisputed. Oh. You get a Scott Atkins. I'll give you a Scott Atkins. Scott Atkins.

Yeah, no, I knew exactly who that was. So this is Undisputed 1? Or no, it couldn't have been. This is... Boika is 3, I think. Oh God, that movie's so fucking sweet. That cat-boira fight. Yeah.

This is the one Vanessa actually turned me on to. That was... Yeah, Vanessa loves her Scott Atkins. Oh, fuck yeah. He's got no chance to get Scott Atkins because Scott Atkins is a lot like an art, the clown. He can just break a leg and he'll just kind of work through it.

But with less silent mugging though. Yeah, it's great. He's got to do one of those sweet kicks where he spins and then the foot kicks you some way that you didn't even know a foot could do. I don't know what that's called. Well, it's like a triple fake out spin where he spins one. You think it's just coming around the back like a normal backspin kick, but then he spins again and then that foot comes back around.

It's a Glaube Faitosa kick. Already has no chance. Who else can we call? I wouldn't mind just fucking jumping into this gang. Just let's get in a circle, beat this shit out of him. It's 2001. Why don't I give you, for this limited time only, a second Scott Atkins, Hard Target 2, Wes Baylor. Man, Scott Atkins was busy that year. He's got some. All right.

So we got that. I've never actually seen that movie, so I assume just do a regular Van Damme from Hard Target, but just Scott Atkins instead. This was 2016, right? Target, but just Scott. Hey, this was 2016, right? Oh, 2016. Sorry. Yeah. 2001 was cheaper. Well, there's no way art would be so old by this day. We got two Scott Atkins and me and Dirk were all circle stomping on him. We got we got room for a couple more.

This is a weird year, because by this time, straight to video action movies kind of like weren't too much of a thing anymore like they were in the 90s. So you're gonna get the original Suicide Squad. Okay, that terrible one? Yeah, yeah, the bad one. You get Fresh Prince. What's his name? Will Smith. Will Smith is dead shot. The crocodile guy, you got the dude from Hostel, the pyro guy.

Well, this gang beating of a clown just got a lot less likeable. Yeah. You brought in like another clown, basically. You got Harlequin. Yeah. She's going to out-clown him. Well, I guess I like that there's a superhero element because it feels like you need some sort of a superhero solution to contain an unkillable clown. Otherwise, you just have to sit here beating the shit out of him all day, every day.

Oh, shit. You know what's going to happen? Art the Clown is going to become the newest member of the Suicide Squad. Yeah, Amanda Waller's gonna put a bomb in his neck and he'll just make a big old grin. Ooh. That sucks, this is the worst possible outcome. James Gunn's Suicide Squad 3 starring Art the Clown and his bag of trash.

He might make it good. He might make it good. He spins fashionably. Put him there with John Cena. I love it, I love it already. John Cena would say something like, Don't you ever shut up. Yeah, he would hate this fucking clown. Yeah, that'd be good. He would definitely not get along with Arthur the Clown. No chance. No patience for this bullshit. I just hope I would get along with the CD Cenobite guy though.

Oh, hell yeah. He'd be DJing all night on his ass. Lay down CD man. Let me take it to the box. I don't know how Brits talk about DJing. Yeah, Chris Tucker was better, but I appreciate the showmanship. You never get to know until you try. So yeah, you guys successfully beat Arthur Clown and recruited him into the Suicide Squad. Yeah, we really blew it there. Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

This might be his worst nightmare, though. He's not a one-man show anymore. He's an ensemble character. I'm glad he's unhappy, but so is the rest of the world. Well, that's all I got for the movies. It was a big old fucking mess like I knew it would be. I think it's our best show ever. I do not have the brain for organizing like Robert does, but you know what?

It's, we've proven one thing that all that organizing is, goes to waste with us. I like it. We didn't have to roll any dice. Yes. No dice. I don't do dice. Yep. We killed the clown. I just want you to kill the clown and a pedophile. Yeah. Just blew his rib cage out of his pelvis. 1-900-Frankfurt Our podcast is great! And with maximum Einstein Hunder! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Yeah, 9000! I, Brokkel the Brocain, proclaim myself ruler of all Hot Dog Ome.

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