The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 2, Rumble in the Bronx Part 1

Episode Date: August 20, 2020

Seanbaby and Brockway with special guest Auralnauts Zak love Jackie Chan's Rumble in the Bronx, as all good humans must. They discuss it in frankly worrying detail.

One, nine hundred, hot dog, out podcast slams with maximum hype, say hot dog podcast, word, yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour, come on, you got the number. One, nine hundred, hot dog, one nine hundred, hot dog, Hot dog Yeeaaah. Nine thousand. Welcome to episode two of the Dog Zone 9000. I am Sean Baby from the internet and with me as always is Robert Brockway the legendary cracked editor. Hello I am also from the internet although not as from the internet as Sean of course. I'm pretty from the internet. You're way from the internet. I might have invented being

funny on the internet. You might be. That's what it says in my bio. You might be the internet. Can we blame can we blame you for everything the internet? I fucking dare you. Joining us is a very special guest. You'll recognize his voice from our masterfully crafted theme song Oral Knot's Zach. Welcome. Yo get hyped. Maximum hype. Yeah. Oh it's gonna be a catchphrase. Everybody's gonna make you do it everywhere you go. My podcast slams. Oh he did the line. He did it. He said it. I've had a lifetime of studying Johnny Arcade for his magnificent pipes. Zach I want to start. This is our first guest and what I'd like to do is I'd like to start

with the trivia game and you're the star. All right. You've been brought here as an expert on today's topic rumble in the Bronx and so this trivia is going you're gonna have one minute to name as many Jackie Chan characters as possible. If you fail it you're out. You're off the podcast. We just off the podcast. I'm not even gonna tell you the number that fails it but whenever you're ready go. Jackie does that how many does that count for? That's it. That's all movies already. We're done. You passed. And also Fucheng. That's his code name from Supercop. Oh yeah. Yeah. Fucheng we've got. I'm gonna count Jackie as one. Jackie is one. Okay. So we're up to two.

There's uh I'm just gonna break the tension here. One of the reasons Fucheng is my favorite because in the dub version. You know you're on the clock. I'm on the clock. I'm using this time. I'm eating it. I'm stalling but there's a scene where like he was in with the gangsters right and he's uh his cover was about to be blown and so one guy just goes look at Fucheng fooling around. Fooling around. So we of course have Keong from Rumble in the Bronx. Yeah. Man you fucking boned me on this whole surprise. That's all I got. He's Jackie at like 50 movies. See I'm of the opinion that Jackie was the right answer and then he just passed. I could say Jackie 12 times. Yeah.

Jackie. Jackie Chan. Jackie. Jackie Chan. I'm gonna give you three but with the asterisk technically you got 70 or 80. Kevin. Oh Kevin covers a lot. Kevin. You could have got Kevin Chan. He played a guy named Lin Dong in Bleeding Steel. Bleeding Steel. I'm on his IMDB which is just incredible. Oh you're just on it. Yeah you got the cheat sheet. Let me pull it up too. Let me see if there's any that I just feel stupid for uh for not getting. Yeah you you should have got Inspector Eddie Chan from Crime Story. Oh that's right. Do you know what his name is in Operation Condor? No. What is it? Is it Jackie? He has three options. He has one of them's Jackie, one of them's Condor and one of them is Asian Hawk. That's to be confused with regular Hawk

from from uh over the top. In Armor of God he's just Asian Hawk which I think was Operation Condor part one but then when it came to America I believe Armor of God was called Operation Condor part two. Like so depending on which country you're in they're each a sequel to the other. Like anybody's ever been lost watching a Jackie Chan. What is this part two? I didn't see part one. I have no idea. Does that guy like being hit with a stepladder? I don't understand. I want to warn everyone that we probably will do a couple of Jackie Chan impersonations as we go through the podcast. Oh shit. It's just not impossible. There's some Rumble the Bronx characters that are distinctly 90s black and I worry I might do that voice. I know who you're talking about. Yeah you know who

I'm talking about. When the guy comes in it says it's really impossible to say his lines but when he says okay young. That was all right. That was that was all right. You could do it. You basically just do it text-to-speech style and you'll be safe. Yeah right. So we might have brought you in as a shield deck as a as a man of color you might be our license to say the barcoy. I'm the one you could throw it to me. Yeah that's actually a popular technique in writer's rooms just to bring in a person of color so you can make racist jokes. You're like hey it's all look at our staff. It's all good. Everyone can check with them and say like well is this one allowed. There was a black guy in the room when we wrote it so technically it's legal. Can you just let us look at the handbook

real quick. Just I know you're not supposed to. This is going to sound crazy but I think I might have a couple of handbooks on that. They're all incorrect. If anybody does. Yeah don't follow these rules. So that is a thing that's wonderful about the the diversity of rumble in the brocks is it is wild. It is all over the place. Yeah I'm sure there's every stereotype in it. Oh yeah and they just they just should we just get into it. So we start here with the wild ethnic stereotypes of the Bronx which if you've ever been there is just not. They're in Vancouver like there's this right away. It's all wrong. It's all bright and safe and they're gang. Everyone's happy. It's so good. Like every scene if you look in the background of rumble the Bronx which is just

such a dense movie in every direction like that you'll see signs that are like I hate New York in like this lovingly drawn calligraphy and then like underneath it will be like what the set designer thought might look like Bronx graffiti. So it'll say like you know I hate the Cabrones gang. I do not approve of their methods. It's like the the makers of the original Saints Row before they became self aware and like you know right started making parodies of themselves. They were like that's a real gang they would have come up with to be tough. It's very much like a Warriors gang but like all of them together in in one thing. They also have dirt bikes which is I think a strange way to navigate the Bronx. So here's the thing out of all of the style choices that they got

wrong about a Bronx gang that's actually not that far off from the truth. There's a lot of like dirt bike and four-wheeler gangs. Yeah the the Rough Riders style that's like a very real thing. Those guys are you hear them coming a mile away too. Just a bunch of like it's a mixed bag too. You get like there's straight up some like ATVs. I don't know if they're as as adorned as they are in this movie with the Christmas lights. Yeah it's strung up with Christmas lights and everybody's got like a themed jacket. They're not so festive. When it's like 2 a.m. do they like go along a crowded curb and and drive their dirt bikes over the cars? Over the cars. I think they just drag. The one thing they will not tolerate is mistreatment of women. They just they just hate it.

What the hell do you think you're doing? Nancy. So their gang genetic makeup is is crazy. They've got like a guy who just can speak fluid Cantonese. They got the crazy like like outback looking dude. They've got they have like a straight up like an Indian like an American in like a fringe jacket. Although I believe he is incredibly yeah he's very Asian. So maybe maybe it's just like the Steven Segal Native American. The craziest the wildest character they've got might be Lance who is like wearing this bondage like rig kind of around a man battle harness. It is 100% Masters of the Universe inspired and like goes into the bodega like it just comes in steals a sip of juice and leaves and what are you going to say to this

like Mexican barbarian but he also seemed like the sweetest one. He was like the secret pussycat of the group. You ruin the good time. You know he was trying to break a bag of Lance. He ended up in a garbage bag. Loose Lance. He's like a Game of Thrones character like he wasn't aggressive enough. He's like tried to like bring his kindness and principles to the world and it's just like no the world wasn't having it. It chews you up, spits you out. Is he the only fatality? He might be the only fatality in that movie. Well those Jamaican guys at the state. Yeah the diamond heist guys. I think you're right though. Those guys were shot in the cigar and he didn't die. It was a Kevlar cigar. It was a police tactical cigar. Out of

everybody in the movie I feel like the Jamaican gang was kind of had the most authenticity to them. They had a nice like predator two style going for them with the big jackets like the Zoot Suit jackets with no shirt. They were at least consistent as a group. And like everyone else they're really efficient with like their exposition. Like one guy goes we can't trust these guys and then goes they're the only guys who could move a score this big. And they were like that's all we know about them is they're just really pragmatic in their sense of danger. They're like I know this is crazy but like we got to get rid of these fucking diamonds. And then he's in the car. He's like where's the rest of the diamonds? He's like do you think I'm crazy?

Where's the cash man? Oh gone too soon. It was like the efficiency of storytelling was great too because then it just the last thing you hear from that conversation is the guy asking if you think I'm crazy and then it just cuts to like way after everything had gone. I would love to see that as your prequel spin off like the story of the Jamaicans from Rumble in the Bronx. How they got from starring not Jackie Chan. Not Jackie. How they got from the back of the car to being grenade fodder. They had a duffel bag full of just ammo like video game style ammo boxes in the backseat. It was a bad car for a grenade to go off in. It was like a very Tarantino style

cut like they're like boom let's just cut to like all hell breaking loose 10 minutes from now. The filmmaking restraint was very uncharacteristic for Rumble in the Bronx. They'll fill in the blanks here like we have to watch Jackie Chan walk up every stair. No dude there's a straight up entire ice cream exchange between two characters that we don't know. Ice cream I'll take an ice cream. You cut the Jamaican gunfight with the explosions and the limo chase. I have that ice cream scene quoted because it is so so weird. This lady goes up and she gets an ice cream and he says thank you very much thank you. She says thanks this guy says hi and he goes hey can I help you ice cream please. Sure here's your ice cream. Thank you very much thank you. Hey ice cream

can I have some ice cream. Sure come get your ice cream and then while they have a real conversation about ice cream the guys in the background just screaming ice cream over and over it's not enough. There's no reason for fucking any of it the ice cream has nothing to do with the scene it's it's just the magic of Rumble in the Bronx that they might take this small talk and just carefully write out every word of it and then have these non-English speakers just precisely perform it. I love it. It was it was a very necessary scene because it distracted and it really it needed to be that wild and distracting to keep your eye off of the main character in Rumble in the Bronx which is the cushion. You weren't watching the cushion for once in your life

for once during this movie you took your eye off the cushion and that's that's when it gets sold. Now I'll fucking around a side I believe that cushion is probably as efficient a filmmaking device that has ever been. It has so much to do. Cushion is a different symbol to like five different characters and it advances the plot on several occasions. Every time it appears and it calls back and it foreshadows it's it's amazing. I think you could study that cushion in filmmaking classes for 50 years. That cushion is my favorite character. Pre-cushion starts out as the symbol of the state of disrepair that the young boy and his sister have in their life. Yes she's been neglecting him. I mean she turns their relationship around it's her rededication to him is the new cushion.

Yes and when Angelo finds that he's like I care so little about my friends and their crippled brothers that I'm going to hide my diamonds in in Danny's cushion like that's how little he gives a fuck and the bad guy comes later he starts tearing it up because he also doesn't give a fuck about crippled children's cushions and he does it right in front of the kid. Real talk though how how much could those cushions possibly cost. It's made out to be like a huge thing that she's been saving up to buy him a new cushion and there is no there is no way to go go dancer. I always took it as this she was just didn't matter how much it cost she just sucked so bad as a caretaker that she couldn't be bothered to go yeah she wouldn't go to the fucking cushion store. Tomorrow tomorrow

always tomorrow. Here's the thing every pharmacy like if there's a pharmacy in our neighborhood that's a larger one they've got wheelchairs right in the window like I could walk down the street right now and buy a wheelchair cushion and she's that simple. She sucks. She sucks hard. That tiger cage dancing man is uh something else that you will not find in the Bronx. In her effort towards it is insane. I had the watch out seen a few times for reasons perfectly valid reasons where like she's looking pretty good. Her response to seeing Jackie as he as he shows her kiyong as he shows up is to make immediate like hard eye contact with him and then do perfect like side kicks rapidly like the side kick is her most erotic move it's just a full side kick to each side.

No question. I 100% agree. I don't know how uh how important this part is but I always because I'm a creep and I notice it every time she's got some wild bush uh creeping off just periscoping around the edges of her uh I honestly never noticed that that's every time I watch rumble the Bronx I find something new. It's like a highlights magazine dude there's something there for everybody but there's no question when Jackie sees her and she does that like he knows he's getting in there. Oh the side kicks. And I have side kicks are like oh I didn't know it's like that. Shit I'm in. He couldn't have expected it yet you know he's like I'm gonna go see where this relationship goes but like he sees that he's like oh we're fucking tonight. He's like I don't

really have to try. Yeah I'm in. That the audacity of showing up at her workplace while her boyfriend is there with his crew. Well she she invited him knowing that her boyfriend and his crew were going to come there and then sat down with him and didn't even she didn't even try to get the uh the other Cantonese guy away she's just like yeah come on over check us out. Oh when he like casually puts yeah he puts his hand down he's like oh. It takes him like a full minute oh oh it's the guy we shredded with bottles in the alley last night. It's the guy that jumped in 800 feet between buildings I forgot about him. Let's talk about the bottle shredding these guys are old hands at this uh this technique they were ready to go like they the command for this was rock and roll and they just sprung into

action. They had bats they had the the cushioning to wrap around the bats they put a lot of thought into it like we don't like. And each one has a different role as they as they like yeah I think it was Lance somebody somebody's role is just to like wrap the tape around the bat so somebody else puts the towel on like dude it's like a pit stop it's like watching a pit stop. Nobody spins around those bats with the efficiency of Lance like that. Man all right Lance you took 15 people to an alley and said hey guys grab me some bottles it would take them 90 minutes to get you that many bottles and if you said hey let's wrap some stuff around baseball bats you'd have to have a 20 minute conversation about like what what do you mean like how am I gonna stick it with like a shirt

yeah none of us even have shirts look at fucking Lance. That means they brought all those they just roll around with all of those dish towels this gang has like 75 pounds of dish towels in double spare sweaters in case it got cold you know as a and they brought their girlfriends which I mean that's that's nice but like I just I feel like it's dangerous to bring your girlfriends to a daring broad daylight like murder. And I love how the girls being like over it was the catalyst for everybody to leave they're like everybody's like Stacy wait a minute Tina like they were all just bummed that their girls are so disappointed that they just shredded this man into into well they were fine with the man shredding it was really only the the abuse of one of their own

oh and Angelo like just went wild yeah who's gonna do it who's gonna do the who's gonna do the this is the guy that broke your big nose what do you think you're doing what do you think you're doing nobody I looked that guy up and um you might be surprised by this but he's a stunt man with not a lot of experience with speaking roles all of them are I think Angelo is too are you talking about Tony or Angelo I'm talking about Tony but yeah Angelo too I that's another thing I love about this movie is that all these dudes are are stunt men and just completely untrained to deliver this many lines well they're all such familiar characters because half of them show up in like every other Jackie Chan movie you can recognize them like all of those henchmen are henchmen

yeah every other those are your official Jackie Chan henchmen they um there's a there's a Jackie Chan movies like this have more in common with pornography than any other action film because you have like a bunch of scenes loosely tied together with bad acting right to get to the performances that the people are really there to do that's exactly the physical spectacle delivered by professionals and it gets me hard every time too the moments between action sequences in this movie are are perfectly magical whereas oh yeah the best part we suffer for not being so good until he jumps off of something crazy and I think it's because that's his take on what what America's like the rest of them are like roving adventures they're not really about a place Rumble on the

Bronx is like you know what I understand America I get it now exactly let's make this movie just about American experience one of the themes of this movie is that the cops are just useless pieces of shit it's the only thing they got right about New York yeah fair it's a fair call Jackie Chan they um so there's some some some New York things I'll be your resident New York guy I'm here for the Jackie Chan but it's I didn't anticipate this I don't know why yeah how many moose are there in New York four yeah there's a lot there's a lot of moose in the background so the bottle thing wouldn't happen because there's just a never-ending wave of old Chinese women with carts just of course getting all the bottles before they can be picked up by anybody else so there's an unbroken bottle

is um that's like that's payday so you're never going to find a bottle in a in a trash bin you're gonna find a lot of like nine hundred and fifty in one try in one hour you're not going to find enough to bring Jackie Chan to his knees ever that's and the other thing they do that I really love is that every time they do a transitional shot like an establishing shot of New York it's always the south side of Manhattan from Brooklyn so it's like the shot of the city is like that they actually have a twin tower shot in there and that's from the bqe going around the the west side of Brooklyn so it's like a good one near the Bronx it's a good two hours away from the Bronx you mean those shots of like radically different film quality aren't actually from them yeah so I used

to work for a company that did that they're like we need Saturday at live needs a new opening we need like just 10 minutes of whipping pans of New York to go do it and it's like so that that b-roll of New York industry is it was a hot ticket for a while I want your take on the graffiti in Danny's building this is the actual graffiti on the walls and let me know how authentically New York these graffitis are one of them says big dick gone bad I think that's that's probably as close to legit as you could get for some New York shit that did seem pretty authentic yeah one of them just said Martin Luther King it's real nice call it no judgment just I appreciate the effort yeah one of the walls just said I'll kill you oh was it like comma like Martin Luther King I'll kill

you nobody he just didn't get together but it was the same handwriting the same PA took care of that right that was his response after somebody heckled his graffiti what I just want to talk about Martin Luther King let's just have an honest conversation about race on this wall I'd love to see like on set he writes MLK and somebody goes dude that's stupid he just turns on looks at him without saying anything just writes I'll kill you he speaks only in set design graffiti it is the purest form of expression for example one of them just says Popeye rules not that scans not the chicken franchise the the cartoon sailor it could be Popeye rules it's like the I don't know actually I don't know how old the chicken franchise is so it made it maybe well to help

clarify everything there's another one that says olive oil rules so I think someone on the set just really loved Popeye so innocent pure I just love vintage sailor cartoons you know honestly looking based on what we know of that gang so far in the movie I would I would believe that they're all just earnestly into Popeye that they think it's yeah it's a great cartoon it's a great show with great characters and they want to talk about it and so that's kind of their gang recruitment tool like if you want to talk about Popeye wear the fourth straight bulldoze uh come by on Tuesdays it's Popeye hour we'll check the c-hacks guys you remember that cubert cartoon write that up on the wall cubert cartoon that's good graffiti they do have a like a childlike innocence so didn't he

bust up their like birthday party they were all dancing a ministry with like party hats on they had like birthday party hats on they were having such a good time uh you know what this is actually a good time to take a break and thank a few sponsors maybe play a Sean baby's book game but uh I want to thank Yossarian, Zachary Evans, Adrian Hissbrook, Aiden Mouette, Mike Stiles, Toasty God, Ethan Rangel, Timmy Leahy and Breanne Whitney so now thank you very much for supporting the 1900 hot dog family I know a couple of those people yeah you know a couple of those those last couple are good friends what we're gonna do now is a competitive Sean baby's book game both you gentlemen are you're gonna compete in a very high stakes competition first let me play

the theme song this book is called rapping with Jesus the black bible chronicles series oh Jesus I'm gonna die the good news according to the four brothers now this was published in 1994 by a woman who uh did not quite nail the voice of the youth of that era so she's she basically rewrote the New Testament in what um I might gracelessly call ibonics but it's more like she changed every male pronoun to brother so the cover this book says the good news according to the four brothers and what you two are going to do is pick random pages of the 168 pages and you're going to try to find four brothers first it's as simple as that price is right like highest without going over it's uh so I know if you go over you just win extra you just win extra okay so I pick a page

you're gonna go first and if those pages contain the four brothers that's game you're we're just you're gonna each keep picking them until you've collected four brothers okay so I'll go with page 27 I think it's a great choice I feel good about it ain't nothing gonna happen that the almighty don't already know about so don't sweat it okay he knows about every sparrow in this world and you're worth more than a bird every hair in your head is numbered and accounted for he's got your back always has and always will a beautiful sentiment but no brothers damn oh shit zero brothers oh also um Brockway before you take your turn I want to mention this this was previously owned by the first Presbyterian church of Ashland Oregon uh so this is almost certainly never touched the

hands of a person of color just oh yeah there's just no way it was only seen by white people who saw no problem with it we're like this seems perfectly accurate church library in case we ever meet a black so it's very appropriate that he found no brothers just like every time I go to Oregon it's true seriously uh I uh I dated a black girl for many years and the first time I took her to Portland she got really strange it was looking around the Portland airport and I was like is everything okay and she says where are all the black people so uncomfortable it it hit me that like oh my god she's right I can't even remember the last time I saw a non-white person in this fucking city I was so loud oh yeah I was walking around for the first time I was there I was like

yo your homeless people are white I was like it's not even like I'm not even trying to be bad about it that's not that's crazy to me I was like I don't understand where you keep your your brown people they were not allowed for so long that they're just they're still like spiritually not allowed but meanwhile I don't know I remember I grew up there for like 20 years and I remember it being a huge deal when you saw a black person you're like oh shit we got one we recruited one being nice to you when when was the draft did we did we get first pick and meanwhile Oregon's stepping up for the for the brothers these days they're really they're taking some lumps they're bringing the black lives matter Trevor Noah voiced exactly what I thought the first time I saw that I was like

yo this is how they treat white people I was like we're dead like that's they're going off on the rightest place in the country well Brockway pick a page all right you're looking to beat zero brothers and you can tell I'm trying to I'm trying to be really strategic and tactical in my choices I think there's a very good very real and a mature reason why I'm picking page number 69 see it I'd love it if they didn't include that in the book it's like the 13th floor Jesus asked the devil's number what's up yourself Judas then the police came and started to take Jesus away when one of the brothers with Jesus took out his sword and cut off the ear of the brother holding him and hell yeah brothers big big opening big lead right there oh this is the

coolest ever way with it is that the whole is like max just doing the first like 46 46 point I don't know enough about the real Bible to know whether or not this fake black writer is yeah I'm out of my deck here does does he not call everybody brother I don't know how true the source material he says what's very confusing about this book is that a lot of people in the Bible are brothers and so when he's talking to a brother who happens to be his actual brother there's like uh signifiers like sometimes he's a down home brother and I think that means he's like genetically not his brother to distinguish between a genetic brother later in the paragraph they didn't just drop an R and add all his apostrophe to the end of it there

that would I don't think I see that a lot of it there's not a lot of apostrophe shortening but um I mean it happens yeah see that that's how I would distinguish that if I was a really clueless racist writing a book about the Bible otherwise I'm just gonna read it in like a whole kogan post yeah hard R gets the hogan treatment every time yeah brother every time that's that's linguistics that's a ap style menu that is that's the whole kogan ap style all right Zach all right up my mom you're in you're way in last place what how many pages are there 160 something 168 give me give me uh 134 let's do it okay give me all the brothers through all these stories jesus was trying to tell them that everybody was worth trying to save and help also judgments

belong only to the almighty and there was more some brothers went all the way around the corner and back just across the street he's on the board they always do it the hard way this is a lot like when wesley snipes said some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill uh-huh I believe I believe he's quoting rapping with Jesus when he said that he's paraphrasing I believe he's quoting the bible man so Zach you have one brother one two is two rock wave you get two brothers you win that's it baby's book game all right all right uh I'm gonna say page 102 102 at supper he started a new tradition giving them bread as a sign of his body take an eat this is my body and he gave them wine saying this is my blood which would be for many

gonna be so many brothers in this one and he told them that when the almighty's program came down it would be wonderful for all of them and they would drink new wine in the kingdom of the almighty zero brothers oh I still got a chance brother you got a chance three brothers here how when they're hey they're just hanging out at a feast that's when you throw the brothers around come on all the brothers in the room together I don't understand what the problem is it might have been an all-lady picnic I didn't resist part of that story there are many in the bible you know what let's go let a lady's night let's go single digits I'm going page nine let's see what we can do okay page nine I gotta turn this franchise around I believe in you and again

Jesus told that old devil I'll tell you what it's written it says don't tempt the almighty your master that old devil snarled and snorted but he didn't give up okay you're so cool have a look at this and he took him high up on the mountain and showed him the wonders of the world you can have all this my brother oh two two three brothers oh wait that's two it's two yeah we're tied up I'm not taking that I'm being honest I play a fair game two to two I'm not here for any robberies all right you guys are all right you're like gentlemen mm-hmm page 42 42 nice I like that it's a good number it is a good number good solid number and they wondered if perhaps Jesus meant that they've forgotten to bring the bread and again uh

it's hard to tell if bread means bread or money and yeah wrapping with Jesus because you rub it as Jesus together but Jesus wasn't talking about bread at all oh my god I think they're explaining the miscommunication come on guys what's up don't you know I ain't talking about food didn't you see me take a little bread and fish and feed thousands you were there weren't you now what I'm talking about is not taking what they say to heart stop listening what they fake in the streets mm no brothers my brothers talking about that my brother that hopeful like that finish it would have made sense narratively it would have fit it right in I feel like you would have written right so we're still going still still two to two maybe I'm gonna do one more round I need two

brothers here we go uh let's just take it up to the end let me go uh 158 okay 158 all the brothers show up some folks believed him and others didn't because they were hardheaded but Jesus told the brothers you listen to what I say you're my posse my disciples and because you're mine you'll know the truth when you see it and the truth will make you free indeed a brother was brought to Jesus who was blind and the folks wanted to know who had done wrong the brother or his parents that is extra shredded the floor oh man so we get Brockway you could victory Zach or you could try for the tie you try to get the three both get the same number of picks he's got you're the home team you get last bat now oh wait does he have five or six I got five

yeah you need three to tie I look I know this I know the sporting thing to do is just to concede since I'm so clearly beaten that's but you're not going and I really want we're not here for that no give me page 77 lucky seven wishing you many brothers those are Jesus numbers right there Mark was a friend of the apostle Paul who didn't come on the scene until after Jesus rises from the dead and he wrote these particular chapters to show that Jesus came to serve humankind no brothers victory to Zach where are my brothers strong start five brother rename that book five brothers in honor of your victor the almighty Zach it has already been defaced every presbyterian church of ashland organ so many times I'm not kidding when it has been stamped over 11 times

with their stamp like oh boy there's no mistaking it oh my god people learned a lot from this book and they really shouldn't have is that there's some unlearning that needs to happen it has never been checked out of their library according to their their little library card I really love used books because you sort of get like a little history of yeah a really sad story feel like you're the first people first people who ever read this book damn that I hope the person who wrote it is you know listen to it be like my time has come rise my brothers I mean they did bring joy into the world that's the goal yeah I thank you very much thank you thank you White Housewife for uh taking a break in between your Betty Crocker recipes to uh she she's a black

woman oh is she yeah yeah really um oh uh like a fade flat top with a white streak in it like fireball yeah she looks like Jim Brown from the fucking running pants she looks like Jim Brown oh she's a badass loses all right well shit I take back everything who am I to critique her knowledge of the black spirit I feel like she speaks the language just maybe 25 30 years out of date which is a perfect transition to get back to our 25 year old Jackie Chan movie Jackie Chan about the Bronx I have lost I know we've only done two but I've lost both Sean Babies book came so hard this is just going to be a running game in the series me just fucking tankin that's not true because the first one you had to not have sex on a toilet in that in the thousand one best places to have

sex in America you were supposed to pick them randomly and not land on a toilet and you've got like no toilets you were having sex in exotic fun locations I must have swapped that in my head I thought I was supposed to have sex on a toilet that was like what I was going for I failed myself no the toilet was the whammy that was the loose condition and you avoided it expert all right it makes me think you've probably never had sex on a toilet is that true well I mean I don't want to admit to that on the air you know um you gotta be real fucking scumbag you to get it on on a toilet right not on not on percent is a very filthy person it's a very as the kind of dude who would bang on a toilet in or partially in is a different story but if we're being some if we're

doing semantics then no not on one never on top of one so one of the things we did for this rumble the Bronx article was we tried to rate the best moments uh in between the super action scenes by breaking the movie into 10 parts and then taking votes and all this and Zach you did not actually send in your votes for this I didn't know I figured do that we could yeah you figured we talked about them there was well there was so much expert uh like opinion coming in I felt like at this point I was like I'll just show up for the podcast like these guys are right so on top of it yeah we're on top we needed you there were so many ties there were quite a few ties that's the magic of this movie is like everyone takes something different from it damn so if you

pick your favorite moments from the start of the movie which are good moves you're number one and the time when Jackie says I gave him my old video game and Billy tongue immediately says ah the poor kid he only has a sister she neglects him and then this one will be a little more offensive when Jackie Chan meets his new auntie and she just grabs him and liplessly smothers his face with her mouth and says oh I've heard so much about you she turns into a cookie monster on his ass it's just full on cookie monsters if that's if that's a racist am I supposed to guess the race she's a cookie monster I don't you got a problem with blue people now is that what you're trying and this one received zero votes but I wanted to include it just to you have a wildcard option

was when Billy tongue is taking the car away and he screams I'll treat it like my baby so that blows me out that that didn't get any votes because out of all those moments I love that because he does a pantomime too yeah which is like he's he holds it out like he's carrying a basket of fucking potatoes he's like I'll treat it like my baby he's just totally like breaking a tackle with a football the heisman trophy pose I love the only reason the uh the video game won't get a vote for me is because he's just rocking was that like a Sega game gear yeah and he just pulled it out of his back pocket no no it was I have forgotten how huge those were that was like the size of a bus seat it was it was you could easily kill a man with that portable

he was playing it on a flight if he was playing on a flight from Hong Kong he ran out of batteries 11 times over the thing is a brick they're like sir do you have anything to declare I have a duffel bag full of d-cell batteries like that's it it's all I had room for but yeah there's no cartridge in it and he was just playing it and and they were using sound effects that are straight out of like a fucking video game college commercial it was just like bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop oh that poor boy he has no one oh there we go there's the races I'm just doing Billy tongue everybody that's how he sounds I can't help how he sounds well in all fairness it does sound a little max okay okay pass so I don't I don't think yeah I don't think anybody's gonna nail down exactly

which kind of races you're being therefore it's okay I do feel like you would have given a vote to that other moment that received no votes let me let me go to the second part of the movie yeah where the moments you have to select from are the Harley guy saying double or nothing I mean Tony saying first let's see the denaro and the guy says thousand bucks and then Harley's biker girl comes up and goes yeah go for herself she's just she's pumped she's feeling herself I wish I had that kind of confidence three different voteable moments in one yeah one entry that's a head that's a rule that's a weighted entry yeah I agree well it only got one vote from our dear friend Timmy okay and zero votes is when uh Billy tongue's wife just starts singing at the wedding and nobody voted

for that nobody voted for that oh that was such a crazy moment down on his knees and like like welcomes her to the dance floor while everyone just watches her like seeing her first dance which is kind of amazing and it's a really weird transition because it cuts to like a fish-eyed lens close up of her bridesmaids singing it's the most confusing like cutaway you have no idea where you are in that scene the camera pans out and up and like starts spinning and then you cut to like in the background uh the kid is getting danced in his wheelchair by some guy that's just his handlers like there's there's so much going on in that scene yeah exactly and then right after that Jackie walks up weirdly he's like have a drink and she's like I've got one yeah what are you talking about dude

they just execute every line of the screenplay no matter what it says let's the conceit of that whole scene is that he invited the woman who just bought his business to his wedding tomorrow and she said yes every step of that is no yeah that would not this is like a chinese businessman's wedding so I mean the catering was at least $800 a plate like just inviting a random guest to a wedding is a huge deal so he was big league in her his wife would have shut that shit down too it's like we've had the list locked for months now dude what are you doing to me do you really think she'd say it like that though she'd be like oh I've heard so much about this guest list I almost shook the headphones off of me because I was trying to

be her so so dedicated it's like uh someone who was playing it too big for a Jerry Brookheimer movie yeah Jerry Brookheimer's like we need a wacky black guy to pop up in this scene and say something super wacky and she's like okay I got this and he's like oh no no no that's too much do we break do we break off just as a side piece to discuss some of these uh the history of these characters because I grew up real sad a lot of the time in the middle of these in the middle of these completely awesome movies right but the saddest one probably to date is the the inclusion of the two clearly black transformers in the second transformers yeah that are like gold gold teeth chains but the most egregious thing about them was that they discovered some sort of ancient

text that none of them could read like the language was like Sanskrit for transformers and they're all like I don't have the processing to read this and those two guys go man I can't read I was like oh shit none of you can why did you do yourself like that anyway literally no transition whatsoever there was the scene where Anita Moe catches Angelo drinking juice and she says you're gonna pay for this and he says you want me to pay for this shit but then in the ADR he said stuff so he's his lips say shit but he said stuff and he goes why don't you drink it huh here try some and he shatters it like just I know he's a criminal and that's the whole gig but he's it's such an overreaction he lost his shit

way too insanely like he was he's he's such a loose cannon that no one can afford to keep him around like that was that was early warning signs were all over the place for Tony and the gang that was yeah that was his theme if there was he is the most consistent character in Rumble and the Bronx and that he will always just fly off the handle based on you should he could have just said like no to this day it's why I won't offer anybody jibs he could have said I'm not paying for the juice lady what are you gonna do about it you know he's he's just like forcing her to do something about it so Jackie Chan of course does and then I I know you love this next line so I'm gonna see if you can get this word for word Zach what does he say the guy coming in from the back

interrupting the ass kicking oh the uh oh hey K-pasta exactly so yo K-pasta hey what you doing man and they had before that though I always love this guy the their resident Chinese Cantonese translator because he's rocking like the most midwestern dad you gotta have one every gang you never know when you're gonna run into some triads every gang in the Bronx he's rocking the most midwestern dad pullover like south like southwestern like Arizona style pullover with like a leather vest on top of it and it was just it's his fleece it's definitely fleece it's so out of season he's bundled up everybody else in there is like there's one guy was it Alfonso the guy with

prodigy horns at one at one point he's wearing like I would describe it as a coat just for nipples there's a jacket that is at best 13 percent of a jacket and meanwhile the other guy's over there with his like down to arctic temperature warm at all costs fleece from a 1984 Arizona flea market anything if there's an arctic mission they have a gang member for that if they need some Cantonese diversity of climates the prodigy horn nipple coat guy was probably the most absurd like out of place when he looked like a jet grind radio gang member like he's right he's from a Sega like anime yeah he's got he's got he's got my second favorite line in the movie so I can't shit on the guy too much but I like when he's sitting down he tries to repeat it lands

there's a part of that scene that I love so much where he comes in he goes help help yeah help me help help me angelo goes help him angelo has a rare moment of clarity where he's the voice of reason but he doesn't know what help he needs he's just carried a garbage bag for all they know he's what do you need to help with the garbage bag like you're you're a grown-ass man you can carry the garbage bag help help what the hell is going on what is that killed lands who killed land hey what is that man who would do this a friend of mine got murdered

he must have found a lot of great second hand that guy put his all into that scene that's like that's like 250 pounds of human burger like that he's dragging those around yeah that was the barbarian lance lance was the giant that's the barbarian from earlier that is that is just all pure beef they put him in like full body they didn't like chop off a limb and throw him in so I have a feeling he got to his shoulders and like that thing's clogged like I haven't done stuff in a wood chipper but like 200 pounds of fluid is it's a bad thing to it was a pretty small garbage bag I was like at best it was probably I don't know like 35 pounds of loose lines whatever they could collect because how is that shooting out of there into a bag like cleanly like that's

you would chip into a pile you don't even catch the stuff you're supposed to be putting in there in bags that henchmen had to like retire that dude's so covered in human gore dude his ptsd was just put to the test that day like that's I don't care how much of a psycho you are that's messed up like fingernails in his hair and shit all right this is totally a diversion from what we're doing but can we discuss the henchmen real quick and that they're all enormous they're all like seven feet tall and like 300 pounds and every one of them is wearing a suit that is I would say five times too big for them night late 90s style how are you where where are these suits being made that you can find in Hong Kong they're like you get to like size XL the next size up is just

Shaquille O'Neal like it's 16 like I can taste Yao Ming is visiting and there's just nothing in between suits exclusively for ogres well those guys one of those ogres and I believe Sean you could correct me on this one uh one of those guys is a time cop villain wasn't he the guy with the ponytail yeah the guy who uh Jackie beats with the with the wrench right and friends with the wrench yeah oh right right that wrench would have killed him that's well broken I really like in that scene where uh Jackie comes how how could you he's just a kid and he goes hmm just a very deliberate he's just a kid it's like no dude that counts as a line you have to pay me for a speaking role yeah that hmm translated was like I do what I must in my line of work I don't always like it

but the pay is well and and I'm taken care of right like in Hong Kong they the character gets all this nuance in America yeah all of those henchmen are just such like formless pillars of flesh they're just just big piles of men rectangles with faces huge men in burning max suit they are the original kings of comedy just out here on these streets the um the next guy from this scene actually sort of feels like he's doing a very mac impersonation like a more of a Chris Tucker maybe that the guy who comes in screaming oh key young mm-hmm go do it let me hear it let me hear it motherfucker he says oh key young hey that was all right I can't believe it like man it was just great it was how do you do some of that it was like ha who that's chinese chinese i can't even i

can't even match the guy's pitch it was like oh hey that was all right i can't believe it's like man it was just great it was yeah did they hurt you i know you're amazing thank you how do you do some of that yeah he's like eight octaves there he must have been so special to the movie and never again just vanishes from the guy he knows no that's not true he walks away they show him walking away from the market at the end and he's talking to a girl and he says hey lisa wait up they even gave a name to the girl that's how special he was to the film as they they crafted like names and backstories for this one guy that had 15 seconds of bizarre screen time and then just disappeared from the moon forever i'm convinced that there's some cut out there where he's like

the chris tucker to this film where he's just jackie's wise talking to jackie's connection to the streets like he's he'll get you what you need whether it's information absolutely contraband because he knew everybody's name he knew keong dude they have people that worked at that store to even know keong yeah he was still confused yeah they're so confused by this guy with his weird like grandma cut off sleeve shirts that uh that's right he just got off the plane that was his introduction how the fuck did you meet and be friends guys like it's so quickly just you know he knows things before they even happen that's how connected he is so here's an here's another scene i want you to pick uh the best moment from zack another section of the movie there's one where um

lisa is just talking and talking and she says how much trouble she's having supporting danie and he says support support i told you i need a new cushion and then oh that's the time where they bring jackie chan back from the dead on his couch and jackie chan looks down and sure enough he's naked completely naked my sister she fixed up your wounds and undressed you too my sister she fixed up your wounds and undressed you too oh and she even made you breakfast here have some oh oh she said that one that's another possibility he's got that kid has such a good pervert voice he does that a few times he lapses into pervert mode and it's just it's unsettling how accurately he channels that what have you experienced he's 45 year old man you just really look up danie and

see how old he was me he's like a Ralph machio of asia he's 75 now it's like the reverse of sam oh hung who plays like a four-year-old in some movies another scene i love is when the whole gang is just in broad daylight chasing jackie chan and the only person in the entire parking garage is this dude in a fucking rainbow shirt with an american flag hat like a big floppy stupid hat oh i hate driving a truck full of rainbow balls and they're like hey buddy have you seen jackie chan we're trying to kill him and he's like no i haven't seen him he gets in his truck and sees this panicked man that they're obviously gonna kill and he says hey what the hell are you doing he begs him he begs him he first like makes the silent sound he looks not like the guy completely what does he get for

his effort chan is in their silent fucking truck thrown off the side of the parking garage that's he deserves it you fucking snitch that's why you don't you don't negotiate with terrorists right there that's that's everything you need to know your final choice is when they finally corner him on top of the parking garage tody pulls up on his dirt bike and he just says piece of shit i love it because he's got huge like lone ranger gloves on in a duster he just looks so mad he's like peak tony in that scene too he's uh i may have to go with uh kiyoung on the couch because it's like first of all i was it always bothered me because he's butt ass naked on somebody else's leather couch and it's like there's nothing where you would put a naked bleeding man yeah you know what

that that's not the best place for like a stranger's fluids even just talking about like booty sweat you know it's like and then you yeah and then the kid wakes up at his meeting like my sister's 22 like you should totally try to stick it in her like he's and jack jackie jan at this point is like 41 yeah not super cool yeah not at all but he's fit you know i mean she gotta see his abs she knows yeah i mean he's he's got the body of like eight thirty eight bags of lance so i don't know if this is part of your your agenda on the list but his outfits throughout this movie are pretty fantastic he's got a solid he's got the um the cute like sleeveless onesie with the with the pp buttons uh on the crops yeah the the short shorts to tank top one piece what the hell what occasion

is that for it like jackie chan sleepy time it's like hot weather old-timey hillbilly gear like grandpa swimsuit like you would you would draw that on a moonshiner and a political cartoon from like 1930s but then also chop the yeah and i the only thing missing was a cute little like a little booty hatch you know for his buns to comically fall out how does he pee in that he's gotta like hike it all the way up over his he's got well it's he's got a flat trust me i i've seen the flat he's got a button fly i've paid special attention yeah how could you not when he's doing that it's heavy flap analysis it is centered in frame it is the central crux of that it's a pretty impressive physical feat to do those uh those handstand presses but like what was the purpose

of putting it in the movie with such like a aggressive dick basket like is that jackie chan like doing some sex appeal is that for like listen this is my big yeah this is my big american showcase like i want people to know everything they need to know about jackie chan because it's i mentioned this in the article this was his third like big american movie because he did the big brawl and he did the protector and those are like you look back on them they're kind of they're very jackie chan movies like they have a lot of the same like action sequences and and fight moves uh it's just that they're so dull in between the fights that no one liked them yeah rumble the Bronx almost ended up being like a critique of the kung fu movie genre

overall it's just so fucking goofy and it's still it still stands out so much from all of the other ones it's like a jackie chan movie combined with hook there's so much wins it absolutely is hook yeah there's a little rufio in a wheelchair you know it's uh yeah there was a they got their fun clubhouse they throw food around it's it's the same spirit toys or whatever i'm mixing shit i know but um there was a an old documentary i want to be a dentist there was a kung fu documentary back in the day that was just kind of going just like spotlighting um all the breakout stars from the era and their best films and jackie chan was the only one that was like he was like oh this movies are so tiring just fight fight fight fight fight fight no reason

just fight fight fight fight why are you looking at fight fight fight we don't use the blue background so it's just like his exhaustion from that interview made rumble the Bronx make sense to me i was like he doesn't have time for yeah there has to be incredibly over the top reasons for these fights to happen rather than just them breaking out for no reason he'd rather die than have a fucking boring uh in between fight scene movie yeah there's a i was saying that jackie chan always seems to take that little extra step to also do something in addition to the fights and the action sequences to sort of have just another silly thing like this one is probably the handstand push-ups uh but like like an armor of god like he's doing weird stuff with like gum eating or he'll do

something oh yeah he's always doing that like the the the arm slap like gum pop into the yeah yeah yeah his slap bracelet gum chew and here he says these little bits that had armor of god just above him beyond like he didn't need to do that jackie chan but he's like here's the thing i learned i learned today it's going to the movie i do the i do the gum thing now my favorite thing is that in every jackie chan movie there's at least one moment where he just disappears over a wall or a gate or a fence in a different manner each time that is just should be impossible for a human being to do like there's a gate that you could just you could just open it or walk around it or there's a wall or something and then jackie chan will take 1.5 seconds out of the movie to just no clip straight

up the wall just ninja guy dan stick to the wall and there's like no there's no slow motion there's no multiple camera angles it's just his like real subtle brag of like yes i can do these inhuman things here real quick let me show you all right let's get on with him he does some pretty wild fence stuff in this movie too where he's like uh spinning like across fences with the grips uh this is why don't try this at home like bad tail i tried to do crazy jackie chan fence stuff and there's he's doing that one of those takes and you can see like he's actually it cuts weird and he's got hand wraps on because even he's like don't just fucking like jump around on chain link fences without protecting your fingers uh i learned that the hard way my shit broke real you know

it didn't break break but i just i came really close to just like ripping my fingers off and it was like you can't you just can't move around on fence like that like on a on a backstop you know yeah i probably i probably came pretty close to not surviving 1995 because a rumble in the Bronx that was my first jackie chan movie and i was just everything just only everything changed except for my terrible useless part you're like just because i changed what i'm into didn't change who i am as a as a person yeah like i'm gonna start trying to learn how to do it i'm not gonna practice it but i'm gonna try to do a flip now do a flip yep i'm gonna crush one of these handstand pull a slam face oh yeah robert there's uh i was i had the same thing happened for me

this was the first this was my intro into jackie chan uh i just didn't have the availability in my town like there was nowhere to get kung fu movies that were obscure or cool like you had blockbuster yeah i saw this in the theater and was like what the fuck i was like before that i was like a vandam guy like i that's the kind of martial arts chateau brian if i want to get a little obscure you know like what it was on hbo after dark yeah the sythia rothrock movies look like fucking shit compared to jackie chan dude just sythia rothrock i know it's a whole different game like i came out of that like what what are these other movies doing why do we have why do we have i was like i was like kylo ren i was like more like i just ran out to try to find

and luckily enough we had one video store that was like run by nerds they tried to get anime and you know whatever they could so i had i had to get mine once to be nerds i had to request them is there i just it wasn't even a blockbuster or something it was just our local video store in fucking red the village idiot in a strip mall within albertson so they were like jackie what jackie glisten sure we got it it's at the back what's this era like in the late 90s when like walmart or safeway even would get like jackie chan vhs boxes and so you get like two to four jackie chan movies in a set and they were just so fucking bad you'd like fearless hyena like those fearless hyena that's the one and there was one that wasn't jackie chan but they just called it

dude they like there was like so many bruce lee's but spelled differently like it's yeah dude they were shameless about that kind of stuff i did um yeah an article on our website when i heard how about um bolo young and how he actually starred in more movies with bruce lee knockoffs than bruce lee movies exist like that dude just fucking took any gig and so like bruce lee shows up he's like hey you want to play a guy named bolo young in my bruce lee movie he's like oh hell yes he's like well i have to pretend to learn another i am bolo young so that makes sense he just knew based on like the casting choices so far he said no they would just put somebody else in and call him bolo young he wanted to keep that name he wanted to be the guy you might as well

be the guy my favorite thing about bolo young is his like um very clear insecurity about his waistline every time you see him his shit is pulled up high and then double impact yeah he's got the kylo red proto body he takes his shirt off and double impact that he's my man's wearing a girdle like he's like why'd you just take why'd you take your shirt off at all if you're so fucking like worried about your body like this he wants to be real about what the what the ultimate male physique is like i actually like my chinese hercules with a little love handles you know what i mean i that's did you ever look up that chinese hercules trailer by the way that that she is he'll fight it man women women the young and the old he just fucks up everybody it just it's him

throwing each one of the things listed as they're listed he's just overhead pressing hurling them off camera hurling the young at the old the old and it's just like by the dick yeah by the time you get to like the old it's like he already threw a kid dude all bets are off like yeah who cares nothing else yeah the old shit they're probably that's mercy by this point he's killing kids oh and speaking of is it is it wrong to jump ahead and talk about when jackie chan throws a toddler 75 feet in front of a perfect time to do that you know this is also the perfect time to come in and say we talk way too much about rumble the bronx and it would not be the first time in my life someone said shut the fuck up about rumble in the bronx but we are going to

break this podcast up into two parts so this is the end of part one and please tune in tomorrow or if you listen to this in the future just suck and go to the next one but we are going to have a part two of our discussion about rumble in the bronx and all of the magic difference here